#architect because engineers need babysitters 3

[mohamedsghiri]

architect because engineers need babysitters

[mrsgreenworld]

It's not easy to let go of the past

A/N: So I've had this very insistent idea for a while now. I decided to speculate way ahead. Let's imagine that it goes like this: Serkan breaks up with Eda without telling her the truth. Then Eda's grandmother comes into the picture. It's revealed that her and Efe have been working together to take the holding from the Bolats. Eda learns the truth about her parents' death from Efe or maybe her grandmother. She also finds out that Serkan knows about everything. Her grandmother's revenge plans are also revealed. However, Eda convinces Efe to help her stop her grandmother. All in all, the grandma capitulates, Efe sells back the shares. The Bolats don't lose the holding. Efe helps Eda move to Italy. She leaves and gets her degree.

That's just my imagination running wild 🤣

Let's imagine everything going down like this. This fic takes place 2 years after Eda leaves.

___________________________________________

Serkan opened his eyes way before his alarm clock was supposed to go off.

He went about his morning routine. He just moved on autopilot. Like all other mornings for the last 2 years.

2 years, 2 months, 3 weeks, 3 days, about 11 hours... without her.

Time without her seemed to drag on forever. 2 years felt like 2 lifetimes.

2 lifetimes that had brought him denial - first.

When he refused to accept that she was gone for good, that she had given up on them, on him. He called her. All his calls went into voicemail. Then her number was out of service. He tried going to her house only to find it empty. Ayfer Hanım and Melek moved house. The flower shop had been sold. He wasn't able to reach any of the girls either. They had simply blocked him.

That's when anger started.

He started taking it out on everyone in the office. Then one evening he crashed everything in his house. His parents and Seyfi came running because they had heard the noise. His mother and Seyfi barely managed to stop him from attacking his father. The next day Serkan moved out. He couldn't bring himself to go to the house he owned, where he and Eda had spent that one and only night together. He just found a completely new place instead.

Then it was time for bargaining.

He tried finding her. He found out that she wasn't at the university that she had initially applied to. Instead of taking advantage of his connections Serkan decided to go to Ceren. Out of all the girls she was the easiest to find. She was from a wealthy family of lawyers after all and worked in a prominent law firm. So Serkan just boldly waltzed into Ceren's office one day. She didn't throw him out. She didn't ask him to leave. She was patient and kind enough to actually talk to him. She asked him only one question:

"Do you love her, Serkan?"

"You know I do, Ceren. I love her more than anything and anyone in this world"

"I can tell you only one thing without betraying Eda's trust: things are going really well for her now. She looks maybe not quite happy yet but at peace. So if you truly love her the way you say you do, please, just let her go. Don't try to find her. Don't go to her. Don't try to bring her back. Don't ruin what she's managed to build for herself"

After that conversation with Ceren finally came depression. He just locked himself in his house. Stopped going to work and eventually left everything at Art Life to Pırıl and Engin. He didn't care much about the holding anymore. His father was still in charge and that made Serkan care even less.

But at least something good came from the period of depression: his mother was so worried about him that she went into therapy and after a while was able to leave the house. One day Aydan Hanım and Seyfi knocked on his door. When he didn't open it they just let themselves in using a spare key. They found him sitting on the floor in the living room, staring at the photo of him and Eda on his phone. He heard the steps and then - his mother's voice. That managed to pull him from his trance. He broke down then, a year after Eda's departure. He broke down in his mother's arms under the wave of happiness for her and under the weight of sorrow and acceptance. Acceptance of the fact that it was really over and Eda wasn't coming back. He had really lost her.

After that he pulled himself back together. He managed to create a resemblance of life in this state of numb resignation and acceptance. He travelled for two months around South America. When he returned, he got back to work at Art Life. His return was a true triumph. He had never been as productive, creative and successful as he was then. He even tried to reconsile with Selin but both of them very soon agreed that they were better off as friends.

And here he was 2 years, 2 months, 3 weeks, 3 days, about 11 hours later. Making breakfast for himself and his mother. Ever since Aydan Hanım started leaving the house, it had become their daily tradition - having breakfast together at Serkan's place, just the two of them. Sometimes it was Serkan making breakfast, sometimes he and his mother cooked together. Serkan treasured this everyday ritual.

A doorbell caught his attention and he went to let his mother in. He was greeted by her radiant smile and high-pitched: "Günaydın, canım!".

"Good morning, mom" Serkan said while returning his mother's enthusiastic hug.

They went into the kitchen and finished preparing breakfast. When everything was ready, they proceeded into a small patio. The day was calm and the weather - warm, so they decided that eating outside was a good idea.

"So, how are you, dear?" his mom asked after they were done eating and were just lazily drinking their coffee.

"You ask me this question every day, mom. Nothing's changed since yesterday morning"

"Well, today is not just any other day. Remember where you're supposed to be today?"

How could he forget. It was the first big event he had to attend since he was back. A big international business conference of architects and designers from all over the world.

He gave his mother a silent nod.

"And you know who's going to be hosting this event, right?" Aydan Hanım asked carefully.

"Of course I know, mom"

"So it's not going to be a problem?"

"Why should it be a problem?"

His mother just threw him a "Really?" look.

"It's fine, mom. I am fine. I haven't seen Efe Akman for over two years and it's not like we will have to work together. He's just hosting this conference. Despite our personal history with him, he's a recognised architect and he really is good at his work"

"Still don't like him after everything he did back then. And I don't think that seeing him is a good idea. Might trigger something... Maybe I should go too? Don't want to leave you alone"

"Don't be ridiculous, mom. I don't need a babysitter. Plus you're not ready for this yet. You haven't been anywhere except my house. Going to an event like this at a place that's completely new, where there will be hundreds of strangers... No, it will only overwhelm you. And I will have to worry about you among other things"

"Yes, of course you're right, dear. Then maybe take Seyfi with you?"

"For the love of god, mom! Stop it! I told you I don't need a babysitter" with a huff of annoyance Serkan rose from the table and started collecting the dishes.

"Ok, ok... Sorry. I will keep silent. You do what you want. You know what's best for you. But will you at least let me help you clean up?"

Serkan looked at his mother's pleading expression and the corner of his mouth twitched. He silently nodded and moved into the house.

"What was it? I think I saw an almost-smile" he heard his mother say at his retreating back.

He busied himself with washing the dishes. His mother joined him and started drying the plates. They worked without saying a word for a couple of minutes.

"You will one day, you know" his mother's quiet and cautious voice broke the silence.

Serkan looked at her and raised his eyebrows in question.

"You will smile and laugh again. I promise"

"You cannot promise something like this, mom. And I... I am not sure I know how to do this anymore"

"You will learn. You can learn. It's not impossible, my dear. I also thought I would never smile again after we lost your brother. But here I am. I even managed to leave the house. If I was able to do that, you will surely smile again one day. I know your smiles and your laughter will never be the way they were around her... But... Maybe it's not bad? It's just... different? And different can be good too. It can bring happiness"

"How do I become happy without her? If I love her this much but she's not here?"

"Oh, my dear boy! It's hard, I know. But you have to try. You have to be happy for you. No matter how much you love someone else, you have to love yourself first. And it doesn't make you selfish. It doesn't mean you don't love her anymore. But you said it yourself - she's not here. Don't you think that maybe the best way to honour this love is to let go of the past and allow yourself to be happy?"

A sob tore from his throat and he nodded frantically.

"You are right... I just... I am not ready yet"

"I know, I know... There's no rush, ok? I am not saying you have to do this now. It's not easy, it takes time. Just remember that when you feel ready, I will be there for you. Always"

"I know, mom. Thank you"

Aydan Hanım pulled her son into a tight hug.

Mother and son spent another 20 minutes together and after that Aydan Bolat left, leaving her son to prepare for the conference.

When Serkan was putting on and buttoning up his dress shirt he felt ready to face Efe Akman. However, there was a small tug in his chest, right under his heart. As if he needed to brace himself for something more than meeting with his former business partner-turned-rival.

"You're being paranoid" he huffed at himself.

Once he was ready, he grabbed his car keys and his phone. He looked dashing, collected and confident when he was climbing into his car. Nothing betrayed his typical Serkan Bolat facade. Nothing but a tiny gesture of him running his thumb over a band on his right hand.

[jasminenoack]

“Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.” ― Charlotte Whitton

Being told that, categorically, he knows what he’s talking about and she doesn’t, however minor a part of any given conversation, perpetuates the ugliness of this world and holds back its light.I’ve been reading the book Men Explain Things to Me by Rebecca Solnit. I read the title essay and I thought I would explore how this effects my life. 

It trains us in self-doubt and self-limitation just as it exercises men’s unsupported overconfidence. -Rebecca Solnit

Sometimes when I say something to someone they say something like “okay”, “good idea”, or “are you sure?” Then they continue on with whatever they were doing without acting on whatever I said. One of my friends explains this as “Sometimes when people say ‘you’re right’ they mean ‘there there’”. This is patronizing at best and stupid at worst. It’s not unlike patting a small child on the head to get them to go away. The problem with patting an adult on the head and sending them away is that when the house of sticks collapses around you they remember that they told you that was going to happen. And if I’m not careful I get bitter about this. And end up asking people things like “how many times do I have to be right before I stop being dismissed”. I’ve been told “all of them”. So we end up with annoyance on both sides, bitterness, or I shut up and watch it all crumble. For any of these it turns out the product is worse than if we start with the assumption that we both have thoughts with different context and understand that context. This is not to say that I’m always right, but I’m certainly not always wrong. 

Credibility is a basic survival tool. When I was very young and just beginning to get what feminism was about and why it was necessary, I had a boyfriend whose uncle was a nuclear physicist. One Christmas, he was telling–as though it were a light and amusing subject–how a neighbor’s wife in his suburban bomb-making community had come running out of her house naked in the middle of the night screaming that her husband was trying to kill her. How, I asked, did you know that he wasn’t trying to kill her? He explained, patiently, that they were respectable middle-class people. Therefore, her-husband-trying-to-kill-her was simply not a credible explanation for her fleeing the house yelling that her husband was trying to kill her. That she was crazy, on the other hand…. -Rebecca Solnit

I was talking to someone about their work, or I tried to and was told “I don’t like to talk about this because it’s a thing people know about”. Which I suppose is a clear indicator that I am apparently not one of those people who know things. Now it was only tangentially related to my field which is why I thought it was interesting and had asked about it. I wasn’t asking for a detailed explanation, I just wanted an overview. He had mentioned some related subjects and I had some knowledge about them, but hadn’t pushed anything as he clearly knew more. So I don’t believe I was super out of my depth. And this was someone when I gave my traditional answer that I am a senior software engineer at an advertising company had asked me for details. So there was an assumption clearly that I didn’t have anything to say that they didn’t understand. When I got an answer, which he did eventually give after the insult. It wasn’t particularly complicated at least in overview, and there was nothing that left me completely lost. Now I don’t know if he was attempting to defend himself from me giving him advice about his work. I wouldn’t have but some people are idiots. Or maybe against the fact most people aren’t interested. But maybe that’s just me being a girl and trying to make an excuse for him. But again if we open a conversation, even one where we answer a question with the equivalent of “You’re not smart enough to understand...” we completely shut out the possibility of further conversation. So All that person has is things that they know. It turns out only one person’s ideas isn’t as good as multiple people’s ideas unfortunately. That is why we want to stand on the shoulders of giants. 

Being told that, categorically, he knows what he’s talking about and she doesn’t, however minor a part of any given conversation, perpetuates the ugliness of this world and holds back its light. - Rebecca Solnit

Another of my favorites is when I am doing something and someone offers to explain to me how something works. Examples, of this are problematic because they tend to be reasonably technical and specific to projects, and I don’t want this to require a computer science background to read. So let’s go with something relatively general. I was a Django developer for a long time. At one point I was building an architecture for a rest infrastructure(calling urls to get data) based on Django-rest(A library for this) and someone offered to explain how databases worked to me because he disagreed with the architecture. Now this is weird on many levels. The most obvious being I wasn’t architecting databases that was his job. I did in the end make a database but that was because he never actually made any. I think of this as “I don’t understand what you are doing so I’d like to explain an unrelated concept to you to feel smarter”. The other large problem with this is the assumption that because you are confused I need you to explain something to me. It’s a power play at base, I think, you need me to look stupid to feel better about yourself. And let’s be real. I’m a full stack developer I understand databases. I can’t think of a time this has happened and the thing being suggested was not a thing I already knew. There are times where people tell me about things, and I love learning things. But those moments never start with someone saying “What you are doing is completely wrong, please let me explain this simple unrelated concept to you”.

His scorn was so withering, his confidence so aggressive, that arguing with him seemed a scary exercise in futility and an invitation to more insult. - Rebecca Solnit

So the other one that really interesting to me is the “you’re/she’s young”. 1. Irreverent. 2. I’m not. 3. A lot of times I’m older than the person who said it. 4. It’s likely that I’m right. This is a manner of dismissal. A really weird one. Basically like the Matilda, “I'm big and you're small, I'm right and you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it!” It’s never really mattered for me in tech. Tech is about merit. A good idea is a good idea unless you are attempting to dismiss someone outright. Because if you had a better idea we wouldn’t be talking about age at all we’d be discussing the ideas. This always seems to be an attempt to dismiss something outright without an alternative. Which always seems strange to me.

Most women fight wars on two fronts, one for whatever the putative topic is and one simply for the right to speak, to have ideas, to be acknowledged to be in possession of facts and truths, to have value, to be a human being. - Rebecca Solnit

One other weird pejorative has happened in my life. I’m 31, about 8 months ago when I was 30 I broke up with my boyfriend and he moved out. My boss at the time at one point asked me if “you need any help, since you don’t have a man to watch you”. Which is pretty much the weirdest comment I’ve ever heard. Especially given the fact that I managed to stay alive for 30 years so far, most of it without a babysitter. This was one of those things that was so pejorative that it was just baffling.

Young women, she said, needed to know that being belittled wasn’t the result of their own secret failings; it was the boring old gender wars, and it happened to most of us who were female at some point or other. - Rebecca Solnit

So I have a friend who’s a bit older than me who whenever any of this happens asks me “is it because you’re a grill”(sic). I never have an answer to this. There are never enough girls in the room to tell if it’s that or something else. In most cases in engineering there is one. I do actively think that there is something about being female or being feminine(traditional stereotypes). I have a couple male friends who are very quiet and differential and they tend to be treated the same way women are. A main difference being that women are treated that way whether or not the have the traits. Only the men who have the traits are grouped with us. But even if there is a problem of dismissing people based on gender. There is a problem of dismissing people at all. Because as I said a good idea is a good idea regardless of anything else. There is also the problem of this argument that women should act differently then they won’t be dismissed. Lean in, be more aggressive, push your ideas. I disagree I shouldn’t have to be a jerk for you to accept my thoughts are worth listening to. I shouldn’t have to prove that I’m an exception to some rule and deserve to be listened to. You should listen because varied thought makes better outcomes, and because like you I’m human. 

He thought that being patronized was an experience a woman chooses to have, or could choose not to have -- and so the fault was mine. -Rebecca Solnit

And a note to those of you how do these things. The more you do them the more I discount you. Just something to consider.  

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