#applying for jobs with the city has honestly destroyed my confidence in myself in a pretty devastating way

[gen-is-gone]

this is because I reblogged the Good Luck Post

[normalg-irl]

When People Ask Me What I’m Doing After Graduation This Is What I’ll Say | May 3, 2019

So, I don’t have a job lined up for after graduation. I’m also not volunteering with the JVC or Americorps like some of my friends who enjoy helping people. I don’t have an internship, and I’m not traveling anywhere. I actually have no idea what I want to do? Like as a career, but also … in life? So I’ve decided to construct an honest answer to provide to anyone who asks me what I’m doing after graduation. If you, too, do not have a “plan” for post-grad, you are welcome to join me in the glorious city of Hartford, Connecticut, where these 5 post-grad steps will be carried out.

Step 1: Watch Game of Thrones.

Never having seen Game of Thrones makes me feel almost as shitty as never having seen any of the Harry Potter movies (never mind never having read the books). This is the first time I’m admitting that. I usually just play along like,

“I would be in Gryffindor, no doubt. My favorite spell is Leviosa. JK Rowling is honestly a legend.”

I’m embarrassed to confess how uncultured I am. But, with GoT, it’s way too complicated. You can’t just skim the surface like,

“Winter is coming. Jon Snow is my favorite character. Yeah, I’m not bothered by the incest either.”

I’m going to take the first three weeks immediately after graduation to binge GoT and get caught up to speed for the sake of the culture. And also for my own mental health because I’ve been feeling excluded and anxious every time Khaleesi is brought up around me. She sounds like a legend, almost more so than JK Rowling.

Step 2: Exercise lightly.

After the three weeks of binging Game of Thrones I’ll probably try and get my body looking right. No one tells you that going to Punta Cana for spring break turns you into a drinking-machine-party-fiend. The all-inclusive trip destroys all tendencies of eating vegetables and run-walking on the treadmill. For the latter portion of senior year all I’ve known, and all I’ve wanted to know, are Miami Vices (pina coladas and strawberry daiquiris mixed for the ignorant lames), permanent sunburns and foggy conversations with the same people over and over again.

So, with that, health and fitness has plummeted drastically on the list of priorities. Before entering the “real world” I’ll need to burn off all the fried chicken I swallowed whole while floating around in the Punta Cana resort pool. Step 2 is necessary in order to bury that part of the identity and embrace a classier manifestation of self.

Step 3: My high school friends and I become so bored that we go get frozen yogurt and have a really awkward encounter with someone random from our past.

Step 3 can be weaseled in at any point in the post-grad plan. Preferably I will complete step 3 multiple times, almost on a weekly basis. I envision a lot of days playing out like this:

11:00AM: Wake up.

11:04AM: Enter an “Instagram k hole” (This is a term I just learned. It’s when you get so deep into Instagram it feels kind of like you did too much Ketamine, and you’re seriously f*cked up).

12:10PM: Mom is getting home, so I quickly stage a job application workshop in the kitchen.

12:30PM: Mom really wants me to try harder at applying for jobs, I tell her I will.

12:45PM - 4:20PM: *Insert step 1 or step 2 here, depending on what level you’ve reached of the plan.* So this block of time can be filled with either culture binging, or getting the body right.

4:20PM: By this time culture = binged, or body = right. Both great outcomes. Send a text in the group chat, everyone’s down to hang, obv. No one has a job.

7:30PM: Not sure how those three hours were spent. Potentially was sucked into another k hole, but this time mind was completely erased.

8:25PM: Group unites at the friend’s house who has the most chill parents.

8:30PM - 9:50PM: Vaping, light gossip, and brief but intense Instagram k holes are accompanied by a random TV show playing in the background like Catfish or anything on TLC.

10:00PM: One friend suggests getting frozen yogurt. It’s the best idea she’s had in years.

10:15PM: Arrive at Sweet Frog dizzy off the vape. The smell inside is extremely nauseating. Someone might pass out in Sweet Frog.

10:16PM: Everyone fills up their cups with a mixture of flavors. One friend just gets a ton of those little balls with juice inside of them. She’s a psychopath.

10:19PM: I enter a frozen yogurt k hole. Halfway through the fro-yo I realize I do not like fro-yo. But then all of a sudden my cup is empty.

10:23PM: The awkward encounter the entire group has been anticipating finally happens. The middle school basketball coach enters Sweet Frog with his new girlfriend. He has no idea how old we are. He can’t even make a guess. He is intoxicated in Sweet Frog. He kisses us on the cheeks. His girlfriend is really pretty.

10:41PM: I leave Sweet Frog feeling awkward and sick. But it was something I had to do. And it’s something you have to do. It’s only right.

Step 4:  Shock my parents’ friends when I say, “I have no idea what I want to do” in the Big Y parking lot.

After the Sweet Frog interactions, awkward encounters will be nothing but a thang. I expect them to spice up the depressing post-grad days, and will probably become a favored activity.

So when my Mom asks me to go to Big Y to get a watermelon (she likes to give me random tasks), I’ll be kind of excited to go.

When I see Mrs. Miller in the parking lot, I won’t pretend not to see her. She asks me what I’m up to, what my “plan” is, and when I tell her about binging GoT and going to Sweet Frog and working out every few days, her face grows concerned and I am hoping she talks about my excellent plan with the other moms. I just want to be talked about, honestly.

I help Mrs. Miller put her groceries in her minivan so she thinks I’m still a good person even if I have no ambition.

“Good luck, sweetie.”

She nods empathetically from her minivan window as I stand alone in my pajamas in the Big Y parking lot carrying a watermelon.

Step 5: Read a life-changing book at the town pool.

I haven’t read a book in years. Reflecting on my life, I may never have actually finished a full novel. What if I’m in a job interview and the interviewer asks me what my favorite book is? I need to have something truthful and profound to say. The Fault in Our Stars isn’t going to cut it. I could maybe swing saying that the Game of Thrones series is my favorite, because I’m pretty sure they were books before a TV show? But that feels like it’d be super transparent at this point.

I can’t go into an intellectual discussion with some alternative, experimental book all confident like, “Have you read The Girl with the Chastity Belt’s Lullaby? It’s my favorite.”

No, you need something absolutely classic like To Kill a Mockingbird or Don Quixote or Fifty Shades of Grey. I’ll probably pick up War and Peace and call it a day. Been meaning to read that one. And then off to the pool I go.

I see myself spending a super relaxing time by the pool with my book. There are no annoying kids splashing around the day I decide to go and conquer my book. It’ll be closed off for academics on their sabbaticals just like me who want to peacefully read and feed their brains.

As I flip around War and Peace, I see a ton of pages, and a ton of words I don’t know. I suck at reading. I don’t know how to read. I can read the words, but the whole time my mind is thinking about potential boyfriends and potential parties and potential conversations. All which might never happen.

War and Peace spirals me into an anxiety k hole, which I think is actually just an anxiety attack, and I storm out of the pool without even buying french fries from the snack bar.

That’s as far as I’m going to make it into step 5.  

And there we have it my friends. Graduating without a job isn’t that scary if you embrace my perfect five-step post-graduation plan. Because, believe me, once you do it all - once you’ve watched eight seasons of Game of Thrones, hit Sweet Frog a couple hundred times, toned a few muscles, run into lots of moms, and “read” War and Peace … you will be ready to hightail it back to NYC - and maybe even land a job.

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Published by The Rival at Fordham University on May 3, 2019

[gayredmage]

Moonlight Sonata

Pairing: Sephesis Rating: T/sfw Prompt: Apocalypse/Moonlight courtesy of @lilly-white Word count: 2421 Summary: Genesis awakens and is confronted with a post-Shinra era world where Sephiroth has scorched the planet. Sephiroth has faith that his lover will join him.

A/N: Tag said sfw for this prompt...Look, I tried. I really, really did. But there are non-graphic mentions of sex. This is also more post-apocalyptic.

I see you there. Traveling always under the faint light of the night's sky. Riding in the passenger seat of a farmer's pick-up truck across the arid dust bowl of old mines and environmental wastelands. Hitched your ride in exchange for some head at a truck stop, you'd say. But he saw that flip knife in your hand and your eyes, bright like they were on the breezy plains of Eastern Wutai. You close your eyes. Not able to stand the sights and smells of burning cities. Of people rebuilding civilization in the image of a lost era.

They've forgotten you. Your charm. Your wit. Your betrayal. How your exercise in rebellion cost you your family, fame and fortune. Rendering you to the lonely, wondering soul that you are now; trying to find his way into a world so foreign to him. Even the lies they made of you were lost to time and war; I knew the Turks killed your parents, you always said you were adopted and appreciative, I also knew that you left with your engagement ring affixed to your left ring finger.

The farmer leaves you at the broken down train stop of Edge. From a night of coercion he told you about his wife and four children. How the cabbages in the back were to be sold so he could provide for them. Send those kids to college if there will be one again on the continent.

"E-Edge!" he yelped, knife to his throat. He tried to touch you in your sleep. His broken wrist remembers that, "It's where everyone is! Midgar...it's ain't a city no more. Rubble it all is. But Edge. That's the hub. The home of the new world government."

Pleads for his life he does. You took his word for it. Step into the rainy town, because a city without street lamps was a husk.

It's early afternoon and those clouds were thick like smoke. You weave your way through the streets, narrowly missing a rat chased by a small girl with a shiv. What did you wake to? Does it please you? Or do you wish that slumber had not ended?

You make your way to the only source of light you can see. Flashing neons, coffee in the air and flames crackling. Seventh Heaven.

POSITION AVAILABLE

APPLY INSIDE!

A job. Get to know the locals. Facilitate some income. Find yourself. Is a bartender your calling?

The bell above the door rings as you enter. A woman approaches. Smiling. Cheerful. But mature.

"Hi! Welcome to Seventh Heaven. Name's Tifa, I run this gig. New face, you are. Not a bad one either." She winks, you smile.

"Certainly not as pleasant as yours." You turn on that charm. She laughs. Your lip curls in that smug, self-important manner.

"So, what can I get for you, new man?"

You sit at the bar, eyeing the menu written on the chalkboard.

"If it's not too much of a bother...a pina colada. Don't skimp on the umbrellas either."

"Would two umbrellas be enough?"

"I won't be happy until there's at least four."

She talks to you. Teases you. Watches you try to drink your alcoholic concoction between six umbrellas. "If they fall off, I'll charge you double."

She has a foster child. She takes care of two children. She runs a bar and diner all on her own. She's got an Avalanche HQ sign stuck to the wall, and a picture of her and a troupe of interesting characters.

"You know...you look really familiar." she says, "Are those mako eyes?"

You smirk. "I'm not sure of the state of Avalanche today, but rest assured, I'm more interested in applying for that bartending job you have available than standing in the way of whatever it is you plan to do."

She nods. "How good are you in the kitchen, soldier boy?"

Tifa trusts you. She probably remembers you vaguely flying around Nibelheim. How you watched as Zack left her behind. How you foolishly, for a brief moment had the weakness to cast a healing spell to delay her injuries and wipe away the blood from her face. You shouted for help, had a disguised clone help drag her to safety before departing. Maybe. That or she's stupid enough to trust you.

You make dinner service a breeze. She gives you an impromptu pay rise for making good candied apples and seared steak.

"Come on, just say hi!" she drags a reluctant you out of the kitchen and presents you to everyone, "This is the man behind the magic!"

You know them. One squints foolishly at you. And the other has shock written on his face.

You ignore them. Thank the clapping ones for their compliments. Chat for a bit, before tapping out for a breather.

"I know ya." You turn to face the cigarette puffing engineer.

"So, you've joined Avalanche, Highwind."

"Genesis Fucking Rhapsodos."

"It's Francis actually." you joke.

Cid cusses. "He's dead, yaknow. Or at least we all sure hope so."

"I've gathered from what I've seen. But do you know where he was killed?"

"What? You plannin' on makin' a funeral?" he shakes his head and speaks to you sincerely. Or at least as sincerely as an uncouth bastard could, "Look. I get it. You two were an item. But what he became...not even human. No human could call on a meteor to destroy the planet. Sure a human could damn well wish for it ta happen, but the shit he's done...you'd have killed him yourself."

You smirk. I wondered what you were thinking. Maybe you wanted to agree. Maybe you wanted to punch his eyes out of their sockets. But whatever it was. You worked hard. Gained their trust. Slowly learnt more about me. Stuck around that Tifa woman. Joked with her. Bought her gifts. Took her out to dinners and cabaret shows. Everyone was loving you.

But Tifa especially talks to you openly and honestly. Takes you on expeditions. Trusts you deeply. Believes you to be a good man who will aid them. Tells you of all the tragedy I have caused - the deaths, the attempts to end all life. But did she ever tell you that I did all of this for you? For your legacy? I had plans for us. To have a world where it is only you and I. So no one could destroy the bonds we have and force us apart again. I regret...it's my only regret, that I did not leave with you. Had only I not been so foolish to believe you spun lies out of jealousy - to believe the rhetoric about you that Shinra fed. For I trusted that opinion more than my own instinct - than the own knowledge I had from having you in my bed and you as my only love. How could I believe that they knew more of the man I would die for than I did myself?

But you understand this. You know me. You know what actions I would take. You know that you were the greatest thing in my life. That I would bow to you and work for your favour. That I would abandon whatever motive I had if you so disagreed.

Tifa trusts you. But do you trust her? Or do you trust your knowing of the man you called your Gift of the Goddess? You humor her. You called her a sister. Worked her into your palms. What are your plans for her, exactly? No one seems to mind your relationship. The children appreciate having a father figure who wasn't a broody brat that vanished for days and weeks. You taught them poems and arithmetic. Took them to school, went scavenging for children's tales and other books, took them kite flying in the plains. You've always been a kind-hearted spirit. I believe my brothers would have appreciated just as much listening to you talk about the apple trees by the fireplace and being tucked into bed after you made sure they brushed their teeth.

But Cloud. He felt threatened. Reeve had teased him about you stealing the show - putting more work and effort into rebuilding camaraderie and the city. Tifa confides in you hushedly, asking for romantic advice. You take her hand and speak to her sincerely. But he cannot here you. Only see as you whisper in her ear and she giggles. You made a crass joke about your preferences.

That cadet shattered a bottle and tried to gash your pretty face.

"Cloud!" Tifa had shouted. He hit the bottle hard. Gone for days at a time, but felt like he owned the woman. I'd have never done that to you.

But you just shrug. Feint and counter. Put him in his place with your boot to his chest. "There are children around." you whisper.

He breaks from you and Tifa questions him.

He points at you. "Do you know who he is?!"

"Yeah...my employee. He makes good margaritas and I'm not losing him to your stupidity!"

"I just...I just hate seeing you two so..."

"So what, Cloud?"

"So...So flirty!"

"Flirty?!"

You laugh. Maniacally so. You grab the edge of the bar to stop yourself from falling. Tifa sniggers. "He's not like that...you know. He's a man's man."

Cloud was confused. "The hell you mean?"

You wipe away a tear. "Meet me at a glory hole and I'll show you."

It became known as the day Cloud stopped being a complete ass to you. Tried to know who you were. Realised he knew so little of SOLDIER. Asked you to help him clear out Old Midgar of the dredge left behind. Bizarre monsters, the products of escaped Shinra experiments and the corruption of geostigma.

You work late into the night. Sent Cloud home early as the pack had thinned. He took off. Leaving you here. Alone. Picking through what were the remains of our apartment with only the light of your lantern guiding you.

December in Modeoheim. What were we thinking, you thought as you picked up the shards of a broken snow globe. You find the mattress. Burned, broken. You cut it open. Dig through the stuffing. You find it. Coordinates. Of Loveless Avenue, the one restored sector of Midgar.

I was waiting. Rented a room. Wore contact lenses to hide my eyes. Cut my hair. Became a blonde with an eye patch. A man named Seth Faremis. I smoked on the street corner. Waving away adamant street walkers that went by. And you were there. Standing in front of the bright lights of the Loveless Theater. Thinking about all the plays that you had seen here. The way you'd lean against me, hold my hand, whisper to me. You were so vibrant then. Like the life of the planet vanished with you and had returned.

I walk to greet you. Either you were pretending to ignore me, or you were planning to leave. But I knew that you felt my presence. You always had. You at least believed that I was still alive. But the face that greeted you...I saw that disappointment. But you entertained me. We saw a play together. Found a private dwelling of rubble in the Midgar ruins to make love on. I said how I never wanted this night to end. And you placed your hands over my throat.

"Where is he?" you ask, eyes alight with that determination which keeps me yearning.

I grin, "Deepground."

You start digging. You know the site. And I help you for the time being. We hit steel and make the descent. Your body aflame as you take control of the facility - slicing through the guards and muscle that stood in your way, blasting through defenses, reminding the world again of the power and finesse of a fine SOLDIER. The scientists try to shut you out. Call for Code Red and attempt to evacuate. The halls run red of the last of Shinra blood. You hurry to the central most room and the sight that greets you...

"I've found you..." you say. You kiss me. Thank me. Farewell me. Until I leave that corporeal form, this avatar, clone, and re-enter myself.

Bound to a chair. Gagged. I open my eyes and see you break into the white padded room using a computer virus that you used for years with your espionage team.

I'm pleased. To see you with my own eyes in my own flesh. Those full, red lips. That soft, auburn hair. Those heavy-lidded slanted eyes. You had always been so beautiful.

And now. What will you do? Will you release me? Will you embark on that journey you hoped for so long? The one where you walk down the aisle, exchange vows and say I do. We could do that. We could rule this planet, not hide ourselves, scurrying away after dark. Pretending that your bed was not indented with the form of my body.  We could do so much together. Could live the life we wanted. The one where we had an estate and a dog. The one where I would prepare firewood as you glaze the roast. The one where we traveled the world not as warriors, but us culture enthusiasts. You always loved the raw fish from Wutai. You would never put an end to all of that

Let's go to the hot springs. Relax. Take some time together. Plan that eternal future we will have slowly.

"I love you." You say. So softly and sweetly. You sit on my lap, unbind the cloth from my mouth...I kissed you. You kissed back.

"Genesis..." I say, not knowing where to begin and end, "It's been so long."

You unbind me. Believing that a wise decision and help me out into the dark. Where should we go in a world I am unwelcome? Under the cloak of a thick night we flee. Into the barren wastelands where the moon hangs high and you look so indelible writhing under the silver light above me. Moaning my name with the cricket's chirping. I touch your soft, warm skin, kiss your neck, watch the stars. Taste the milk of paradise.

We're panting. I open my eyes. Expecting to see your blushing face, tousled hair and soft, hazy blue eyes. But I saw the barrel of a gun. A gift from your father you stowed away.

Your left hand. Barren of any promises.

"I love you, Sephiroth." You say.

And I believe you.