#apple charged me for free gift card

[austinbutlermischief]

This may be a very stupid question, so forgive me, but is there a way that you know of where I can watch Masters of the Air without signing up for AppleTV? I refuse to pay for ANOTHER subscription service, but I need my Austin! ❤️

Honestly it's not cause I was wondering the same thing. I happen to be talking to my friend and she mentioned that one of her co workers buys an apple gift card and then uses that as a purchase for the subscription. Other than that I know the episodes will likely be put up on "other" type sites, but those are risky. Don't get me wrong I know of some sites, but I won't be sharing them on here for obvious reasons. I did also read an article about the different options for watching apple tv and one of them was if you go to best buy's website they actually have a free get 3 months of apple tv for new and existing customers (which I looked it up and it does show that it's free and you can "purchase" it for free. I just haven't actually claimed it yet). If you want to try that I would make sure though to remember to cancel before the 3 months is up just in case it is one of those charge you after the free months.

[clarktooncrossing]

Giraffe's Eye View | Prehistoric Planet REVIEW (and Rant+)

Hey there people of today and robots of tomorrow! It is I, Clark, here with a fun fact about myself.

I.

LOVE.

DINOSAURS!

Granted, so does everybody else on the planet, but how can you not? They've been a part of our imagination for so long, an enigma of time we can never fully understand, a chapter of a long forgotten history when titans trekked across the planet, and the inspiration for hundreds of great movies, television shows, video games, comic books, and theme park rides! Ask anyone and they'll tell you the exact moment they fell in love with dinosaurs. For some it was seeing the original Jurassic Park in cinemas back in 1993, shaking in their seats as the T-Rex erupted from its enclosure! For others it was when catching reruns of Walking with Dinosaurs on TV, rooting for Big Al as he desperately tried to survive a harsh world. Maybe Barney stole your heart when you were younger, following him into the Land of Make Believe where he'd remind you that any dream is achievable. Or maybe you're into really obscure crap like Hallmark's made-for-TV movie Dinotopia, the 90s cartoon Denver the Last Dinosaur, Phil Tippet's stop-motion short Prehistoric Beasts, any of the follow ups to Walking with Dinosaur, there's so much dinosaur media out there that it'd take me 65 million years to cover them all! It's why today I'll be covering just one.

I remember how frustrated I was when I first saw trailers for Prehistoric Planet. Not because it didn't look good. On the contrary, it looked incredible! The effects felt like the natural evolution of Walking with Dinosaurs, crafting creatures as realistic as one can make'm. On top of that it featured narration by David Attenborough, the main man behind Planet Earth who can somehow say 'arse' without making it sound silly. Not only was he narrating over footage of breathtaking beasts, he was narrating over a score by Hans Zimmer! Y'know, the guy behind the music of The Lion King? Yeah, that guy! No doubt he was brought over by Jon Favreau, the Iron Man and Elf director turned this show's Executive Producer. If I were to guess, he brought all of the knowledge he accumulated while working in Simba's Pride Lands to the time of ancient reptiles. Unlike that piece of Hakunah Makaka though, I was actually excited for this! So what was the problem?

Apple TV+. This show was exclusive to a platform I didn't have run by a company I barely tolerate. It was bad enough they were hording all the Peanuts specials and Wolfwalkers, but now this? Why did everything I enjoy have to be taken by Steve Job's Apple Store of Doom!? For that matter, why was this service even called Apple TV+? Heck, why does every streaming channel end with a plus now? Disney already annoyed me when they named their service that instead of something more creative like 'The Disney Vault' or 'The Digital World of Disney', now every other company was trying to ride their coattails. Just wait, when we're inevitably charged for going to a public bathroom, they'll call the program Toilet+! In any case, my salvation came via a Pizza Hut gift ad given to me by my family last Christmas. After using the $25 gift card to buy one pizza, the Hut's app offered me a month free trial of Apple TV+. Having a real 'screw it' moment, I elected to try out the free month.

Which is pretty stupid in hindsight considering I got Wolfwalkers and the other two Cartoon Saloon movies on DVD that same Christmas and I already owned Blu-Ray copies of the classic Peanuts Holiday specials. Remember folks, I never said I was smart, I only said I liked dinosaurs. As such, what did I think of this show?

Happy to say; it delivers what the trailers promised. This show is what happens when you mix Walking with Dinosaurs with Planet Earth, Attenborough's narration being a highlight as per usual. He brings a level of class to anything he's commenting on, even a Deinocheirus taking a massive dump. Insert obligatory Jurassic Park joke here.

AND FOR ANYBODY JUMPING AHEAD: NO! THE SHOW ISN'T CRAP. THIS IS JUST FOR A JOKE!

It's also to help illustrate a weird point about this show: they do not shy away from the dino love-making or crap-taking. It's Dinos After Dark! Granted they showed this kind of stuff back on Walking with too, but it was just as disgusting there. Especially since the Deinocheirus eats where he poops. If you're thinking of enjoying a tasty bowl of popcorn while enjoying this, I'd recomend you wait until after Episode 3 aka Freshwater.

Those of you who have seen the Planet Earth series will recognize the naming convention here. Instead of going through the Triassic, Jurassic, and Cretaceous to see how dinosaurs evolved over time, this show sticks to the late Cretaceous while showing how far stretched the dinosaurs war. A pack of Secernosaurus struggle to find water in dunes made out of gypsum, we find out the Tyrannosaurs could beat you in a swimming contest, a troupe of triceratops are forced underground, one episode even sees how dinosaurs survived the cold.

I was actually super eager to see this episode, as a friend and I argued over the logistics of over-grown reptiles surviving in a snowy landscape. A quick Google search revealed that these early drafts of birds were indeed warm blooded, so I could totally buy them enduring the cold. Even if they couldn't, it looks freak'n cool! Pun intended, of course.

Really my one complaint about this series is how tame it is. When you watched Walking with Dinosaurs, or really any nature documentary, it's hard to guess what's going to happen. Will the baby antelope escape the hungry lion's claws? Will that one panda find a mate before the season's over? Will future generations have the privilege of ever seeing a rhino again? Most importantly, how did the people holding the camera get these magnificent shots? One cameraman working on Planet Earth had to live in a literal mountain of crap for weeks while filming cockroaches. Thinking about it gives makes my skin crawl. Even then that's nothing compared to the massive undertaking that is filming snow leopards. Not to say I want any people producing this to be in actual danger, but the Walking series at least simulated this aspect by having the creatures interact with the camera. Saliva would coat the lens after a T-Rex roared at it, it'd be knocked over after a adolescent Indricotherium charged at it, that sort of thing. This makes what's happening on screen feel natural. Here it all feels too choreographed and planned. There's no real edge. Still, I'd take this over any of the newer Jurassic Park movies any day. This doesn't make it feel my braincells are being smothered with a pillow before getting repeatedly kicked in their metaphorical crotches.

In conclusion, dinosaur lovers will surely love this. The effects will leave you speechless, David Attenborough's voice is a welcomed boost of nostalgia, and the variety of dinosaurs on display should satisfy any paleontology fan. That is assuming this all is accurate, which is getting harder to judge these days. Just wait, come tomorrow some bone-digging bozo is gonna say T-Rex was actually more of a giant woodpecker or somethin'. Until that happens, take a trip back and enjoy watching how life survived this Prehistoric Planet.

By the way, wanna read more rants against streaming services? Then check out my review of Spy x Family to see me complain about Hulu while gushing over how cute Anya forger is. Until then, may the glasses be with you!

NEXT TIME ON GIRAFFE'S EYE VIEW...

[joomma]

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I do not remember Christmas Day itself that year, but the events around theDungeons Dragons Roll Initiative Ugly Sweater this holiday changed my life forever. I was living in Los Angles at the time and was dirt poor as I was very underemployed. I did not have any ambition, but was content. I had a new girl friend (we had been dating for not yet six weeks). I was too poor to buy a Christmas tree. It had been raining for about a week, and was expected to raining for the next week (for those of you that do not know the weather for Los Angeles, this was highly unusual). Three days before Christmas I was driving around with my girlfriend doing some last minute Christmas shopping, when an announcement came on the radio that they were giving away free Christmas trees at a location about one half mile from where we were. I looked at my girlfriend and she said, “Yes, let’s go get a Christmas tree” A couple left turns later, there we were. There was a truck with two trailers full of Christmas trees trying to give them away. The owner of the property where the truck was park had call the police and wanted them to be charged with trespassing. He had Christmas tree lot down the street and this was killing his business.

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[latte-fairytaekwoon]

Private Show (Choi Jongho) Rated

Pairing: Choi Jongho × Exotic Dancer! Reader (Female)

Genre: Smut, Slight Fluff, Idol AU.

Summary: Knowing the maknae has been lusting for a certain expensive stripper, Yunho arranges a private dance just for him that includes a little bonus gift.

Word Count: 4.4K+

Warnings: Strip clubs, exhibitionism, voyeurism, pole dancing, masturbation, breast play, lap dance, spanking unprotected sex (always use protection), cum facial.

❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖

Paying no mind to the lovely lady that was currently running her fingers through his hair, Jongho's eyes kept wandering around the bright, neon lighted room, shifting around in his seat at times so that it would be easier to see the stage in front of him. The girl, feeling a bit disappointed to be slighted as such, turned her attention over to his companion, who was more than eager to accept her little dance on his lap. His large hands fought hard to keep them at his sides, knowing fully well the rules of not touching the exotic dancers. But there was certainly no rule about the girls touching the clients and some, like the bubbly and energetic one currently grinding on Yunho's lap, were more than happy to get a little handsy with them. He couldn't help the excited giggle as he tilted his head so she could glide her tongue down the side of his neck, loving every second of the attention he was getting. Noticing that his younger friend was hardly enjoying himself, Yunho sighed before taking out a couple bills from his pocket and holding it out for the young seductress. Wanting to leave him with one last souvenir, the stripper pulled one of the straps of her glittery bra down, allowing the male idol to get a glimpse of her nipple. Biting his lip, Yunho discreetly placed the bundle of cash inside her garment, sighing blissfully as he watched her saunter off to go entertain another man.

"You don't seem to be enjoying yourself." He pointed out as he looked at Jongho with a curious gaze.

"Maybe because I'm just not into these types of things..?" Jongho shrugged as he reached for the glass that was on the table in front of him.

"Bet you wouldn't be saying that if Y/N was the one performing."

Yunho smirked when Jongho sipped on his drink too harshly, lightly letting out a cough after choking on the alcoholic liquid.

"What?"

Yunho rolled his eyes at his friend.

"Oh come on dude, you practically drool and get hard everytime she's on stage."

Jongho lowered himself in his seat, gaze wandering uncomfortably across the glittery floor underneath him. Chuckling in an endearing tone, Yunho patted Jongho's back affectionately.

"Awww. Does the Ateez' baby have a little crush on the hot stripper?" He teased him.

"What?! N-no..." Jongho furrowed his eyebrows, moving away from Yunho as far as he was able to in their seating booth.

"I mean, I honestly don't blame you. There's a reason she's the most sought after and expensive dancer in this place."

Catching sight of one of the bouncers heading their way, Yunho inwardly smiled to himself as the plan he had devised was about to come into action, the main highlight of why he had dragged Jongho down to the club with him, albeit with very little resistance from the younger male.

"Excuse me sir? Miss Y/N is ready to receive you in the private room."

Widening his eyes at the bouncer's announcement, Jongho whipped his head over at Yunho, who had the biggest and somewhat unnerving grin plastered on his face, almost as if he was taunting the maknae. Jongho especially felt somewhat slighted when his Hyung dared to produce his infamous black card out of his pocket, waving it around in front of the other's unamused face.

"Of fucking course you'd be able to afford a private dance with her." Jongho rolled his eyes, trying to seem as though it didn't bother him that Yunho had actually gone out of his way to book a personal session with the most desired woman in the establishment.

"Black card privilege my friend." Yunho giggled, putting his card safely back in his wallet after making sure to flex it.

"Oh suck it." Jongho grumbled, no longer to hide his annoyance at not being capable of affording exclusive time with a sexy woman who could charge 6 digits an hour solely because she was that gorgeous and lavish to look at.

Slumping an arm over his malcontent friend, Yunho leaned in to finally speak out the crucial part in his devious plan.

"Jongho, I booked the private dance for you kiddo."

With mind unable to believe Yunho's words, Jongho looked at the older male in confusion and almost as if he was in a daze. Chuckling, Yunho cupped his younger member's face and closed his agape lips.

"Don't drool just yet, you haven't even seen her."

Slipping himself out of his seat, Yunho extended his hand out towards Jongho, helping him up before proceeding to lead him out of the main hall and up the stairs. Jongho felt the pounding of his heart resonating in his ears, mouth slightly feeling dry the closer they approached the door of the private room. Gulping as he realized just behind those 2 doors he'd be faced with the very personification of his lustful desires, Jongho's hand slightly trembled as he reached for the doorknob. Snorting softly at the younger member's hesitation, Yunho leaned in and opened the door for him.

"Trust me Jongho, Y/N is actually very nice and will make sure you're comfortable at all times." Yunho assured him whilst simultaneously pushing him inside.

"How the hell do you know that?" Although Jongho's inquiry was more as a mental question towards himself, he was not ready for Yunho's answer.

"It's not the first time I've spent money for a one on one session with her-"

"Uh what?!"

Without getting any further explanation, Jongho watched as Yunho waved him a goodbye and closed the door, the light beeping sound letting him know that it was secured with a lock. Turning around, Jongho looked around and admired the soft pink aesthetic the room had been decorated with. It had a somewhat innocent and angelic vibe to it, which he didn't particularly dislike. In fact, he thought it was rather cute as in his mind he was already picturing a deep red lighting and a bunch of chains rattling across the walls. It was a pleasant contrast.

"I'm glad you seem to like the decor, I was here to make sure every detail would be to your liking."

Whipping his head towards the voice that startled him with their presence, Jongho's breath was caught when he saw none other than Y/N leaning against one of the walls, lips curled up in that mesmerizing smile of hers that never failed to melt him. With slow steps, she approached him, a completely tactic and intentional move so he'd be able to check her out from head to toe, and boy did he make use of it. He licked his lips as he took in her off white costume, consisting of a pearl beaded and lace bra that made sure to push up her soft looking breasts in the most alluring way, matching lace panties that had pearl studded clasps at the hip sides, no doubt intended for fast and hassle free removal. Her legs were accentuated by thigh high white stockings and the criminally high platform heels that helped her figure look elongated and more graceful. Her abdomen was decorated with a diamond belly chain that was fitted around her waist, a tiny pink butterfly pendant dangling in the middle, matching the pendant on the diamond choker that adorned her captivating neck. She had gone a lot more softer than she usually other for on her makeup, blush pink and soft coral main the focal points on the apples of her cheeks and lips, barely any color on her eyes save for the winged eyeliner that helped make her eyes look more enigmatic. Several parts of her body had been brushed with sparkling highlighter, mainly focusing on her shoulders, cheekbones, collarbone and the sides of her arms and thighs. Her hair was even styled differently, soft curled ends piled up into two half ponytails, the rest of her hair let down in similarly styled waves except for the long parted bangs that helped frame her face into having a more cutesy and angelic aura.

"Of course...." Her silky voice brought him out of his trance, making him focus his attention on her words.

"I did have a little help. Your friend told me a few things you seemed to favor." Her soft and semi mischievous giggle made him feel slightly abashed with himself.

Coming up close to him, Y/N took hold of his face, slightly squishing them in an affectionate manner.

"Don't be shy baby. Just sit back, relax and enjoy the show. Leave everything to me."

A soft gasp escaped Jongho's mouth when she playfully pushed him to sit on the cushioned seat behind him, nearly falling off but managing to catch himself before that happened. Strutting over to the pole in the middle of the room, Y/N looked at him and sent him a heart fluttering wink.

As if on cue, the lights dimmed just a bit as a slow and sensual song started to play. Whipping her hair around, Y/N's arm outstretched itself to take a firm hold of the pole. Kicking one leg off the floor and using it as momentum, it stayed outstretched while her other leg bent around the pole as well, helping her to spin around expertly the pole. No matter how many times he'd see her do it, Jongho could never stop himself from whispering a soft 'wow' at how effortlessly and natural she made it seem when he knew very well it took a lot of strength to execute such a move.

Spinning around a few turns, she carefully planted her feet back on the ground. Making sure she was facing Jongho, she kept one arm on the metal bar behind her as her body slowly slid down, back supported on the pole. She made sure to keep her legs parted, hips swaying side to side in rhythm with the music, her free hand caressing her bare inner thigh with a teasing motion. Once down on the floor, she stayed on her knees as she trailed her hands up her torso, cupping her breasts and giving them a hard squeeze. Jongho widened his eyes when he watched her turn her back to him, still on her knees as her hands reached up to unhook her bra. He watched with anticipation as she peeled the straps off her shoulders, taking it off one arm, then the other until it was tossed across the room.

"Oh fuck-" He groaned when he came face to face with her bare chest for the first time since he started going over to the club. Being such a popular dancer, Y/N only fully stripped in settings like this, private room to wealthy paying customers, a privilege he now got to experience thanks to Yunho.

Taking hold of her breasts once more, she kneaded them between her palms, letting out a hiss as she purposefully pinched them to make them as hard as possible. As if the sight couldn't get more erotic, she lifted her hips slightly off the ground and proceeded to roll her hips up into the air, giving Jongho the perfect imagery of how she would look if she was on top of him, dick filling her pussy. After playing with her perky tits enough for his amusement, she got up once more and went back to the pole. Holding onto it, one hand a few inches away from the other, she lifted her body up and kept her legs spread as she spun around in a straddle spin. She made sure to keep a cheeky smile towards the man watching her performance, noticing that his hand began to rub dangerously close to his very obvious hard on.

"Oh sweet boy, don't worry, I won't keep you waiting." She giggled inwardly to herself.

Expertly, she spun herself down, legs further spreading as the eased into a middle split onto the floor. Y/N didn't stay long in that position, quickly bringing her knees together as she used the pole to help her get up off the floor. Circling around to be in front of Jongho once more, she turned around once more and bent down to touch her ankles. Her hands then proceeded to glide up her legs until they reached up to her barely covered ass cheeks. Wanting to play with him more, she playfully gave her ass a rather mild slap and if she had been able to she would have seen the effect it had on Jongho, the idol lightly jolting up from his seat as one of his hands twitched against his lap. Hands coming up to her hips, her fingers quickly snapped open the pearl decorated clasps on her underwear, the garment dropping fast onto the floor just like Jongho's mouth.

"Oh my god.." Was all he could mutter as he gazed at Y/N's bare pussy that was tempting him to go over and eat it up. Y/N did not make it any easier as her fingers once again reached back to spread her folds apart, letting him see just how wet and glistening they were. Feeling aroused and wanting to play with herself a bit, Y/N turned around to face Jongho again as she sat back down with legs spread. Hand reaching in between her thighs, Y/N threw her head back as she rubbed 3 of her fingers against her throbbing clit, spilling out the hottest moans Jongho had ever heard. His eyes stayed trained on her core, teeth tugging at his bottom lip as he saw how engorged and swollen her pussy lips were becoming thanks to her fast hand movements. As if the picture couldn't get any better-

"Jongho..." He tensed up when he heard her mutter his name. Opening her eyes, Y/N giggled at his shocked expression.

"Yes babyboy, you're not the only one who's getting turned on." She admitted, her rubbing becoming more intense and her sounds starting to get more high pitched. She could have made herself cum right then and there but she immediately halted her movements when she felt herself get too close to climaxing. She had already made up her mind that if she was going to cum, it was going to be on Jongho's cock, the very cock that she had been craving for quite some time. She vividly remembers the first time she saw him, sitting there in the crowd, eyes locked on her. Unlike the usual and common stares she'd get from other men that only displayed carnal lust and appetite, Jongho's eyes were different. They looked at her with pure adoration, staring at her as if she was an absolute goddess. He looked past her sexy body and dance and peered deep into the art and beauty of it, admiring each and every move she'd make onstage with fascination. Every time she'd perform and he was there, he always had an expression that seemed as if he had just discovered a priceless treasure or gem and Y/N loved the way he looked at her. He made her feel alive again, reminding her of why she loved performing, a love that had almost gone extinct after being viewed as nothing more than an object of entertainment and pleasure by many others. Seeing Jongho stare at her the way he did then, the way he was looking at her now, refueled that passion that had been buried deep inside her, being awakened once more by the man sitting in front of her.

Getting on all hands and knees, Y/N began crawling over to Jongho, the boy noticeably stiffening the closer she approached him. Sitting right in front of him, Y/N didn't hesitate to press her palms on his thick thighs, rubbing them in a gentle massage. She continued a pattern of stroking his thighs, thumbs occasionally pressing down hard. With a mischievous smirk, she hovered a hand above the tent in his pants before pressing it down to start palming him.

"Oh-Oh..." Jongho's breath hitched, thighs clenching at the feeling of her touching his intimate place, a picture he only got to live in his dreams up until that moment.

"You feel so big and thick even under these layers of clothes. Do you mind if I get a closer look?"

Noticing his hesitation and getting an inkling as to why it was, Y/N leaned forward, burying her face in between his legs as she placed her mouth right on top of his clothed bulge. Jongho outright moaned loudly at the contact, hips involuntarily bucking up each time she closed her mouth over his tent, only to open it back up before repeating the ministrations.

"Y/N please....." Jongho whined. Y/N giggled underneath him, the vibrations doing nothing but riling him up further. Giving in, Jongho began to unzip his pants, his hands sudden being pried off as Y/N took over and finished the task of undressing him. She pulled his pants and briefs down to pool around his ankles, face marveling at the sight of his erect cock right in front of her.

"Oh I was right. You are very thick and big."

Getting up, Y/N sat herself on top of Jongho's lap, the man underneath her gasping when she started rolling her hips against his, her wet folds coating his cock with her juices.

"Y/N are...are you sure this is ok?" He finally voiced out the biggest concern he had about all this.

Chuckling, Y/N wrapped her arms around Jongho's neck, leaning in close enough that her lips fanned over his own.

"Honey, it's perfectly fine. The only rules that apply inside these 4 walls are the ones that I set."

Taking hold of his hands, she placed them on her hips before continuing.

"And the number 1 rule is having you touch me as you please."

Jongho hesitantly ran his hands across her sides, still apprehensive about getting himself or her in trouble. Pouting slightly, Y/N began to grind her hips harder down onto his cock, gasping softly each time her clit felt stimulated by his shaft. That tiny action served to have him slide his hands down to cup her ass, squeezing harshly as he himself began bucking his hips upwards, matching the pace that she had set. He kept his eyes trained on the way her breasts bounced each time she moved fiercely on top of him. Releasing his grip on her ass, he placed them on top of her pillowy mounds, giving them tight squeezes that had Y/N shuddering when his thumbs brushed against her nipples, being extremely sensitive in them. After toying around with her sensitive nubs, making sure to flick them every so often, Jongho licked his lips before pressing his face against in between her tits. Opening his mouth, he latched his lips against one of her nipples, giving it harsh suckles, loud and sloppy noises being heard even over the music. Y/N closed her eyes and enjoyed the feeling of his warm mouth on her boobs. Her fingers came up and tangled themselves on the back of his hair, palms unconsciously pressing him into her chest even further, back arching so that he would be able to take more of her soft flesh inside his mouth. Releasing the first nipple with a loud pop and a thin trail of saliva, Jongho knew it wouldn't be fair if her other nipple didn't get payed the same attention the other got. With a groan, his mouth once again enclosed over her nipple, practically devouring it into his warm and wet cavern.

Y/N's hip movements started to become more and more frantic. After having teased Jongho and herself so much before, she was beginning to feel much too hot and bothered, her pussy feeling empty and in desperate need to be filled with a fat and thick cock. Pulling Jongho's face off her chest, she suddenly got off his lap so she could move over towards the ottoman on the other side of the room. Getting on all fours, she presented her ass to Jongho once more, hand reaching in between to play with her reddened clit.

"Jongho please fuck me. Fuck this little hole of mine and use it as you want."

Not wanting to wait to see if it was a dream that he would wake up from or not, Jongho got up from his seat and began walking over to the exotic dancer. His clothes started to form a trail across the floor as he stripped out of every article of clothing he had on, the last garment dropped right as he came up behind her round and firm ass that was just begging to be slapped by one of his palms. Cupping the sides of her ass, Jongho rubbed the tip of his cock against her slickened lips, his precum mixing with hers, some of it even oozing down lightly on the floor. Any other time she would have appreciated how soft and gentle he was being, but right now that was the last thing she needed.

"Jongho don't tease me. Just drill that cock inside me and break me like one of those apples you break." She didn't even care that she accidentally made it known that she knew very well what he was capable of doing. Jongho on the other hand got a smug smile on his face after finding out that she had actually gone out of her way to do research on him.

Y/N had to press her hands against the top part of the couch to keep herself from holding forward after Jongho plunged his cock deep inside her. Not giving her dripping and warm walls time to prepare, Jongho began slamming his hips against her ass, his shaft being squeezed by her wet and clenching walls that made sure he wouldn't be going anywhere. Needy moans and cries of pleasure echoed in that room, most of them coming from the girl that was being impaled to the hilt by a thick cock repeatedly without mercy.

"Yes! Just like that!" She cried out, deep breaths spilling out as she pushed herself further back into Jongho's thrusts.

"You like being fucked like this?" He growled from behind, dropping one hand to slam hard against one of her cheeks that was rippling each time he pushed deep inside her core, the action making her walls contract painfully around Jongho's cock.

"I- yes! Fuck yes baby I do! I love being fucked as if I was nothing more than a glory hole." She shamelessly admitted.

Jongho once again brought his hand up and then dropped it down, giving her beautiful and supple ass a few repeated smacks, the loud cracking of his palm on her skin continuing to sound across the room until her flesh started to turn a pink-reddish hue. After getting his fill of making sure to slap her ass, Jongho cupped the sides of her soft cheeks, fingers digging harshly into her skin as he spread them out as much as they could, admiring the way his cock entered and re-entered her drenched hole.

"Fuck! You feel so good inside me baby, your going to make me cum."

Hearing those words made the male idol drive harder and more forceful thrusts into her body, using the power in his hips as his cock continued to stretch her tight hole. Y/N was losing her mind at how good the pleasure felt, she wouldn't have been suprised if her agape mouth was drooling saliva down her chin at the point. She focused on nothing else except relishing in how deep Jongho's cock was in her. She loved how rough he was being with her, and Jongho could also tell, her long drawn out screaming moans being a big clue that she was taking his hard thrusts very well. Too well. Swear began to mist both of their bodies, dripping down their foreheads and temples as his merciless pace continued. Y/N began to contract violently underneath him, her moans turning into full on wailing.

"Oh fuck! Jongho I'm gonna-"

She was caught off, lips only managing to spat out piercing whimpers of ecstasy as her juices seeped out and onto his length, warmly coating the entirety of his shaft. Y/N couldn't stop clenching around his cock, almost as if her body was purposefully trying to prolong her mind breaking orgasm. Feeling her spill all over him, Jongho's pace became more sloppy, less calculated, a clear indication that his own climax was not too far behind.

Knowing exactly where she wanted his cumshot, Y/N pulled away from Jongho's cock, quickly turning around and getting on her knees as her hand wrapped around his shaft and rapidly jerked him off, eyes looking up at him as she lowered her face even further so his tip would be right above her forehead.

"Oh shit!" Jongho spat out, head thrown back and eyes shut tightly, unable to hold back from cumming after realizing what Y/N had in store.

Within seconds Y/N felt his cum start to shoot out towards her face, tongue poking out to catch some of it. She loved how hot, thick and sticky it was. Her free hand came up to fondle his balls, proving to help in extending his high as much as possible as well making sure that more cum would be pumped out of him so that it could be splashed on Y/N's pretty face. The girl giggled as a second load shot out unexpectedly, drowning her face in cum as she swallowed what had been collected in her tongue. Jongho was panting almost feverishly when his high finally started to rescind, allowing him to calm his heartbeat that was pumping ferociously. Peering down, he let out a shocked exclaim as he saw the stripper's face drenched in his cum, a huge smile on her face that turned even brighter when she felt him get hard again in her hand. Making sure that his boner wouldn't go anywhere, Y/N leaned in and pressed a kiss to his tip, tongue poking out to dip into his slit.

"Your friend paid for 5 hours and we've only used up 2. What do you say we make his money worth while?"

❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖❖

Taglist: @little-precious-baby @yunhofingers @multidreams-and-desires @deja-vux @brie02 @couchpotatoaniki @a-soft-hornytiny @daniblogs164 @yunsangoveryonder @minhyukmyluv @nanamarkie @mingismoon @ateezbabysitters @rainteez02

[sasa-gay-yo]

Just Us (Chapter Five: Capital)

← Chapter Four

“I know that horse hates me. It wouldn’t let me sleep and it almost bit my hair!” Levi rolled his eyes as he tied both horses to the hitch near the marketplace. We had gotten to the capital in the early morning and I made Levi stand watch while I got some sleep on the grass by the gates before we went in. When I slept, the horse I was riding tried to kill me and he didn’t even try to help. 

Once I was awake all Levi had to do was show his face and they knew exactly who he was. I didn’t even have to show my Trost Citizen District card as they just let us through. I guess his fame carries all the way to the capital and I was not complaining. Also I wouldn’t tell him, but it was definitely worth it taking horseback and not the ferry even if we didn’t talk much. He yelled at me that if I talked on a horse, I would bite my tongue off and I didn’t want to take the risk. 

“She knows you’re scared of her. She took advantage of the situation,” he pet the horse on the nose and I glared at him before looking down at the list. Coffee beans, tea, sugar cubes, honey, apples, and on and on it went. Another reason I was grateful we took horses is that I wouldn’t have to lug all of this stuff through a security check and then on and off the boat. Still can’t tell Levi that. 

“What do you need to get?” He almost ripped the list when he took it out of my hands and I took notice of how he was acting. As soon as we stepped into the gates, he ran to the horse hitch. He wanted to get in and out of Mitras as fast as he could. I wondered why he was so on edge here, but if I had to guess it might be how close we were to either the Underground or the Royal Government. Which one would Levi hate the most?

“Everything on that list plus gifts for the people on the back.” He flipped it over and inspected the names. We started walking, him standing a step behind me. Probably some tactical move.

“I’m still on here?”

“Of course you are.” That seemed to shut him up for a long time. I would just go from one stall to the next picking up the best deals on the small stock of honey and apples in the winter season. I had also played around with the man selling sugar cubes and got three packs for the price of one, easily. This all happened while Levi just stood behind me. I could sometimes feel the warmth on my back as he, too, leaned into the stalls to see what I was buying. It was comforting to have him behind me, but again, I wouldn’t say anything to him

Going deeper and deeper into the Mitras market, things were getting more expensive and the bags and baskets we were carrying were getting heavier. All I needed to get was the tea from the shady Underground dealer, the toy I was going to get Elias, and whatever I was thinking about getting Levi. Somehow I was going to have to ask him to stop following me so I could buy it. 

“I have to go talk to that Underground dealer to get tea. Maybe you shouldn’t come? It hasn’t been a while since you left so…” He looked down at the list again and noticed there was nothing more to get either. I would have to go get the tea either way and I could tell he didn’t want to tag along. I concluded it was the Underground he hated more.

“I’ll go over there and look for Erwin’s gift.” He pointed to some random stalls on the opposite side of the street. From there, he probably could still see me, but be far enough away from the Underground area as he wouldn’t have to see anyone there. I also noticed that was probably the first sentence he had said to me since we started walking through the market. I’d comment on that later. 

I waved him off and turned to go down the street to Marcus. He was an older man and definitely also a con artist who enjoyed selling tea on his off days. While Marcus was nice, I had to study up on the actual prices and places of tea before he tried to scam me of my money. The first peppermint tea I had bought, the small quantity Levi had gone through, he had charged me double of what it should be. What should I expect though? He’s a conman. I just had a soft spot for people from the Underground, hoping they would turn out for the better. The only person I’ve seen who’s ever done that would be Levi.

“Miss Evylnn! I didn’t see you last month! What can I get my best customer?” I rolled my eyes at him and looked at the tea leaves he had set out. I needed specialty teas. One powdered tea for baking and the special peppermint tea for my single customer. 

“I need this Earl Grey and this peppermint tea. The powder for the first one. How much?” He rubbed his chin, thinking of how to con me out of my money. 

“Well, since Earl Grey is popular this time of year, I’ll have to charge you more for that one. I’m on low supply, high demand. The peppermint will be the regular price.” I looked around him and saw the various other people buying things in the stalls to his left and right. 

“I don’t see the high demand, Marcus. Isn’t this the busiest time of day for the market?” He scratched the back of his head, looking for another out. 

“You just haven’t come at the right time for this part of the street.”

“Oh, that must be it.” I looked around his stall again and saw something in the back that caught my attention. It was perfect. 

“Marcus, how much is that?” I pointed to the open box and he seemed to smirk at my interest. He was going to charge me an arm and a leg for it I could just tell. 

“If you buy the tea at full price, I’ll throw it in for free.” Taking a few seconds I calculated it in my head and I was probably winning this deal. I held out my hand to him. 

“Deal. Can you wrap the box up for me?”

When I met back up with Levi, he seemed to have procured a small box himself and when I leaned over to inspect it, it he pulled it behind his back. 

“What’s that?” He turned his nose up to the sky, looking down at me. 

“None of your business.” I scrunched up my nose and stood up straight again. 

“We have to get Elias a gift and then we can get something to eat somewhere. What food do you like?” We started walking again in the same formation; Levi behind me on my right. 

“Don’t care.” He was back to it again: mumbling short phrases while glaring at everyone who walked by. I told him this is why people talk about him, but he didn’t respond to that either. Walking around to a few more stalls, I came across the toy dealer I knew would have what I wanted.

“Good afternoon, Miss… C-Captain Levi!” The toy maker bowed, “I-It’s nice to see you in the capital again!” Levi just grunted at the man who laughed his dismissal off. There were many wooden toys to choose from and a lot that were out of my price range. Hm, if I were an eight-year-old boy, what would I want?

“When you were eight, what did you play with?” It was a question I threw up in the air and I didn’t expect him to actually answer it. When he did, something caught in my throat and I coughed. 

“A knife.” I think even the toy maker took a second to make sure he heard him right. Again, no helping the rumors at all. 

I shook my head and reworded my question, “When you were eight, what did you want to play with?” I was switching between a figure of a soldier or a small train. I don’t remember anything that Elias specifically liked and he, as poor as they were, didn’t even have a lot of toys. If I got him anything, he’d be grateful. 

“The horse.” He pointed from behind me at the horse figurine that was on top of the shelf. It had joints so that it could move and it wasn’t completely stiff like the other wood ones I was looking at. Sadly, it was a bit steep in price. It would run me out of all the extra money I had allotted for dinner. 

“Hm, too bad it’s a bit expensive.” The toy maker seemed to jump on me as soon as I said that, holding the horse out for me to touch. For it’s price, it probably was sitting there for a long time. 

“I can give you a discount! Twenty percent off of the original price! Just in time for the year-end festival. All of the joints in this horse can move and even can support any matching soldier figure. The one you were previously looking at would fit perfectly!” I waved my hand at him and went back to looking at the soldiers. 

“No thank you, it’s still out of my price ra-” 

“I can buy it. How much is it? Do you want the soldier too?” I quickly turned back to look at Levi who had his wallet out and ready. I knew he was getting paid a bit more for his rank, but the Scouts were getting paid the least out of all the military. He didn’t even know Elias, so he shouldn’t have to buy something to pick up my burden. 

“No, no. It’s fine, I’ll just buy the soldier. It’s too much.” He raised his eyebrow at me and made sure I saw him hand over the money notes to the toy maker. It was him asserting dominance, making sure I knew he didn’t care. My mouth was wide when the toy maker handed him the box that the horse came in and he put in with everything else. 

“Miss, do you still want to buy the soldier?” I made sure to step right in front of Levi so he couldn’t dish out any more money than he’d already had. 

“Yes, please. I can just put it in the box with the horse.” The toy maker seemed to be very happy at the amount of money he just made and his shit-eating grin didn’t go away when we did. I don’t know what I was feeling, but I was a bit angry that he just went out and bought the gift. Not angry because I wanted to get it for Elias, but angry because I know Levi doesn’t earn a lot of money in the first place. 

“I’m paying for lunch,” He shrugged and just went back into formation, “I’m going to pick where we go too. So deal with it.” No answer. Not even a grunt. It was annoying that this was the third or forth thing I’ve let him just do. Cleaning the café, coming to the capital, and then this. I didn’t think he’d be such a giving person like this even if he tried to cover it up. 

The tavern I chose was a bit crowded, but we chose to sit in the back away from everyone else. I sighed when I got to put the heavy bags down and stretch out my shoulders. Levi did the same, but more quietly than I did. When the waitress came over, I even ordered for us because he didn’t speak up at all. It was back to quiet, silent Levi. 

I sat there, tapping my finger on the wooden table, just staring at him in wait. He knew I was looking at him, but apparently the water they had brought over was much more entertaining. Just sipping away at it until he needed a refill. We were going to play this game all day because I wasn’t about to break. 

At this point, I was bored, so I reached into my bag to replace some of the peeling bandages on my fingers. He just watched me do that for what seemed like forever. It was agonizing waiting for him to say something and I knew that I’d probably be run into insanity by his silence before he would lose. He knew we were playing a game. Even while we ate, in complete silence, I couldn’t stop myself from glaring at him. His expression, or lack-of, stayed the same throughout. I think the waitress saw this and barely came back to our table. 

Soon, it came time to actually discuss important things like “When are we going back?” or “Do you need to sleep before we ride back to Trost?”, but I still was too stubborn to say anything. We could sit in this tavern the whole night for all I cared, I wasn’t losing. 

Then the check came. 

As soon as she put the piece of paper down, she ran away from the war zone. Both of our hands shot out to try and take it away from the other. Our hands landed on each other and mine was victoriously on the bottom, touching the check. I broke my glare for the first time to smirk up at him and rub it in. 

“Tch,” He took his hand off and leaned back on the chair in his favorite position. With the smirk still on my face, I took out the money needed to pay for our silent lunch. That win definitely got me feeling better. 

“Why do you buy those two kids gifts?” He took another sip of water. Him breaking silence was acknowledging my win.

“Their father is part of that wall cult, so they don’t celebrate any holidays, and the mom drinks herself to near death every night. They’re good kids, too, so they deserve something nice. Sometimes they come and clean for me to get some free muffins.” He nodded and switched the leg that was crossed.

“What did you get the girl?”

“A dress and a book. She doesn’t have a lot of clothes and most of them are hand-me-downs from me. Their family was a friend of Mr. Flynn.”

“Your caretaker?” I realized that this was the first time we were actually talking about my past. Never during late night tea did we talk about things like this because it would ruin our game. I wondered what changed this time for him to feel comfortable talking about things like this. I was always ready to get to know and understand him, but it was the wall he built around us that didn’t allow me. The wall that kept everything he wanted out. 

“Yes, he took me in when I was twelve,” I looked out the window at the market again, “It was around here, too. Crazy to think it was so long ago.” 

“You got out earlier than I did.” I looked back at him and nodded, resting my head on my hand. It hasn’t been a long time for him at all. I've wanted to ask Levi for a long time about his time in the Underground, specifically to see if it aligns to anything I did or saw. Something I thought that it would be nice to see if we’ve met before, but I doubt that was the case. Most of the time I was locked up in a small room.

“There’s a place in the Royal Military Barracks for Scouts to stay when they visit Mitras. I have an office and a room there, so we can stay for the night. I’ll just have to sneak you in.” I nodded again. This would be fun, I’ve never been in a government building before. 

“Do you have an extra cape or something? I can wear that. We’re the same size.” He scoffed and almost slammed his cup on the table.

“We are not the same size. I am taller and much more muscular.” I raised an eyebrow and made the decision to tease him. He seemed to be really adamant about this issue of size.

“You’re only taller by a few centimeters. The first time I saw you that was what I thought. Short.” He glared at me, grey eyes cutting through my brown ones. 

“I can beat everyone’s ass in this tavern including yours.” I held my hands up and shrugged. This was going to be fun and perhaps it would win me another point.

“I think your attitude just compensates. You don’t want to hit me.” It was his turn to raise an eyebrow like I was wrong. 

“Compensates?” I rested my head on my hand again, leaning in a bit closer. He did the same to try and assert his dominance, making sure he was looking down at me. 

“You act so tough because you’re so short. So you’re compensating.” His eyes were on fire now. It was like he was struggling to keep his composure and think about something witty enough to say back. Maybe I should add flustered to the list, I’d definitely win a lot of points.

“I can assure you, I don’t need to compensate,” he hissed out. It was time to go in for the kill shot. Lowering my voice, I leaned in further. 

“Oh, so not for your height or for your . .?” He stood up almost knocking the chair over behind him. The light coming in from the window told me that, even with his head lowered, I’d won another point. Blush. 

“I’m going to get the horses.” 

Shivering, I put on the extra cape that he had and handed him my warm, winter coat. He had insisted that we would be caught if I wore my cape over my coat because “that’s not what Scouts do”. It was payback for earlier and probably for making him walk around the capital for a few more hours with me while I relentlessly teased him. I couldn’t help it, it was just so easy to do it with him. You say one suggestive thing and he stutters or blushes. I guess he didn’t have time in the Underground for those types of things seeing how uncomfortable it made him. Captain Levi became a stuttering mess when talking about suggestive things. I scored one more blush point and I decided to add flustered to the game because that’s where I was making big money. 

“Can we please go inside?” My teeth started chattering and he was enjoying the pain I was going through. Touché, Captain.

“Sorry, this one box just won’t close. I don’t know how to get the soldier in.” I took one, calming breath and closed my eyes before taking it out of his hands and putting it in myself. He had just stood there for five minutes doing nothing. 

“There, now can we go?” He shrugged and started walking towards the side door of the building ever so slowly. I beat him to the door and reached to open in, but it was locked. As he evilly laughed, I groaned out loud. That laugh didn’t count for a point. 

“Why are you in such a rush? The snow looks beautiful in the moonlight.” I clenched my jaw and stuffed my hands in my armpits, waiting for him to get to the damn door. My groaning was only going to make him walk slower. 

He finally reached the door and pulled out a ring of keys. Thankfully, he didn’t try to play with me and try every single key he knew was wrong. He opened the door and I almost ran in before he grabbed me to hold me back. I protested out loud again, but he put me down and pulled the hood of the cape up, patting my head once. Looking up, I glared at him again, making sure he knew how annoyed I was at him. 

“Wearing my cape, you look like you’d make a good Scout.” If I wasn’t annoyed, it would have been a touching gesture. When we got all the way inside and I forced him to use the empty fireplace in his office, then I got to thinking about it again. Was that his twisted way of saying I looked good in his cape? If he was trying to play the same game I was this morning, he was going to have to get better at it. 

“Wearing my cape, you look like a good Scout.” I mimicked his deep voice as I put my hands up to the fire. 

“What was that, cadet?” Looking over my shoulder, I glared at him and he smirked. He had insisted that he had piles of paperwork to do and I knew he had dug in the back of his drawers to try and make it seem true. An office that you rarely come to and you have piles of work? He knew it was a bad lie. And cadet? He wouldn’t stop calling me that since I put on this cape. If I wasn’t so cold without it, I’d have taken it off by now.

“Nothing, Captain.” I stuck my tongue out at him and turned back around to the fire. Whatever scary hold he had over his actual cadets wouldn’t work on me. He probably couldn’t punish me for defiance like he does to them. I’m under no military order to comply with him. 

“Do you want some tea? I only have regular black here though.”

“Uh, sure. I can make it.” I turned to stand up and he held up his hand.

“No, just get warm. I can’t have you complaining this whole time.” What a sick way of showing you care for people. I decided to disobey his order because I wasn’t a cadet and went to sit in the big chair facing his desk. It wasn’t that comfortable. 

“I don’t think anyone has come in and sat in that chair so nonchalantly as you.” His back was to me as he worked on making tea in the little built-in to the right of his desk. I could barely see him because his office was only illuminated by firelight. The moon was on the opposite side of the giant windows behind his desk, so it was just completely dark. There was also nothing on his desk or the walls to even give a tiny strip of light. The dark lord liked working in the dark. I wonder what his eyesight is like. 

“I’m pretty sure I’m one of the only civilians who’s ever come into this office. Does Commander Erwin come in here?” He nodded and turned around with two teacups. 

“You’re right, you are the first. Commander Erwin, Hange, Mike, disobedient cadets; those are usually who come in here.” I nodded like I knew who any of those other people were. 

“Is your office by Trost as big as this one?” It seemed like the piles of paperwork he needed to do magically disappeared as he leaned back in his big chair with his cup. 

“No, it’s probably half this size. The fireplace is also very small, just enough for heating the room. Then the bedroom is connected in that corner, the bathroom next to it. In here, the bedroom is across the hall. That’s where you will be sleeping.” 

“Where are you sleeping?” He pointed to the couch behind me that was touching the wall. It looked to be the same uncomfortable material as the chair I was sitting in. That wouldn’t be comfortable to sleep in. I turned back and frowned at him. 

“That’s got to be uncomfortable. You didn’t sleep yesterday, and now you’re not going to get any sleep on that.” I threw my legs over the arm of my chair and leaned back so my head was hanging off the other side. 

“You’re telling me that pose you’re doing isn’t either? And if I don’t sleep there, where else? The floor?” I didn’t know how he was going to react to my suggestion. We sleep five feet away from each other sometimes, so what’s the difference about, say, two feet in a bed? 

“With me.” He stopped drinking, but was definitely trying not to show any reaction to what I said. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with the suggestion, and it wasn’t like that, but maybe my teasing this morning made his mind go to that. That was my fault. The look he was giving me right now had to be because of that. I’d have to tell him it wasn’t like that at all. 

“N-Not like that,” I gave a fake laugh and put my hands up, “I was just thinking that if you slept in an actual bed it would be better for you to get sleep. This chair is really uncomfortable so I can’t imagine what it’s like sleeping on that couch.” He cleared his throat and put down the cup. It looked like he composed himself. 

“I rarely sleep more than a few hours anyways. I’ve slept on that couch before, it’s fine, Eva.” I shook my head fast, trying to win on this. I felt bad I was taking it from him. 

“I’ll even face the other way the whole time if you’re uncomfortable. I didn’t think you’d be one of those people who feels un-” He looked annoyed.

“I saw you sleep on the grass before we came to Mitras. If anything, I’d get more sleep on that couch versus you thrashing around in bed.” My mouth dropped. Did he have to insult me all the time like this? 

“I don’t trash! It was the grass, I just wasn’t comfortable!” He smiled this time. No smirk. That was worth ten points. I smiled back at him and he instantly dropped it. Ugh. He looks so handsome when he smiles, why can’t he do it more. 

“I bet people wouldn’t say the stuff they do about you if you smiled like that more.” He went back to doing the fake paperwork. 

“What do they say about me?” I sat up straight again as the blood was rushing to my head. 

“Mean. Scary. Intimidating. You can finish the list. I don’t think it’s all true because I’m not scared of you and I’m, like, the nicest person I know.” I pointed to my chest and he rolled his eyes signing something. His signature was really intricate. I tried to mimic it in my palm. My signature wasn’t that pretty, it was annoying he was this perfect. 

“Well, I obviously am not acting myself around you then.” I switched my finger to point at him and he looked up to me again. 

“No, I think you are acting like yourself around me.” He scoffed lightly and didn’t say anything in return. I made a noise to make fun of him and just rested my head in my hands staring at him so work. He was probably going to do that the whole night if I stayed here. 

“What time is it?” He quickly glanced at the clock on his desk, not stopping his writing. 

“Near eleven. You wanting to talk about your new recipe for croissants made dinner extend for more than a few hours.” I stuck my tongue out at him again, making sure his insult didn’t land. At least he was listening. 

“Why did you buy Elias the horse? Scouts dot earn a lot of money.” He tched me again. 

“I have more than enough money.” 

“Yeah, but why?” He was silent for a bit, finishing something he was writing. 

“You asked what I would’ve wanted at eight. I just wanted to give an eight year old what I didn’t have back then.” My heart swelled and all my anger about him buying it melted away. That’s so nice. He’s nice and he doesn’t even know it.

I stayed there for what felt like another hour, just saying a few sentences here and there. Some he answered, others he grunted, but to the most of them he didn’t say anything. He was really concentrating on the fake paperwork, it made me think it was actually real for a second. My staring finally ended when I yawned too long for my liking. Yeah, it was bedtime.

“Wake me up when you want to leave. I’m quick to get ready.” I stood and held my hand to say goodbye as I walked to the door. 

“Make sure there’s no one in the hallway when you go in. If I’m really as intimidating as you say, people are probably jumping to get dirt on me.” 

“I’ll make sure to have a conversation with the MPs on my way over.” I don’t know if that made him laugh because I walked out and right into his room. It was as bare as his office. Just one full sized bed, a window, a desk, and a tall set of drawers. It was cold too, with no fireplace or heater for warmth. Guess I freeze. 

I walked over to the dresser and looked for a shirt to wear that wasn’t thin like my own. He wouldn’t miss one of the same white long sleeves he has. I pulled one out and put it on. He had never worn these. They just smelled like laundry and that’s not what he smells like. 

“Ew. How do I know what he smells like?” I shook my head and looked around again. His room was really empty. I wonder what the one outside of Trost looks like. He lives in that one regularly so it can’t be like this. I hoped it wasn’t like this or I might just have to do a remodel to make him mad. 

Laying down in bed, I finally had the moonlight on my face. This bed also hadn’t been slept in for a long time. Nothing looked lived in or smelled like him. Ugh. I got to stop saying that. I looked up at the wall trying to will myself to sleep knowing he was going to wake me up at an ungodly hour. 

Mint, lemon, and… what was the third one? I couldn't figure it out since he only left traces, but there was a third one. Mint from tea, lemon from cleaning soap, and… what the hell what the third one? 

I turned over, pulling the covers under my arm. Wearing his shirt and thinking about what he smells like. Great, good one, Eva. I even offered him this bed, too. It’s a good thing I didn’t because we would be back to back right now… which wasn’t a bad thing now that I’m thinking about it. 

I tensed up and looked down at my stomach. Oh no, Eva. What did you get yourself into? Or, rather, how long did I know I was going to get myself in this situation and didn’t care?

How… How do you know you like a boy?

Chapter Six→

Chapter Masterlist

I just want to thank all you for being so engaged in my story! It means so much to me to see people enjoying my writing! <3

[thatblackboianarchist]

Banks are Dumb and Abolish Money (1/2)

Banking is like super dumb. So we all know banks, right? They’re financial institutions dedicated to the management of money, those imaginary numbers, for consumers and businesses (and I suppose the government). Most people are affiliated with a bank of some kind, whether it’s a traditional private bank or a credit union or whatever else. So, I am an anti-financialist, I think finance as a concept, field, industry, whatever, is stupid for a few reasons that happen to align with why I hate banking in specific. So let’s explain.

I’m 18, turned an adult relatively recently, so I am having to get involved in banking more. Checking balances, using my card, transferring funds, etc. And can I just say, it is absolutely horrible. Well, okay, I enjoy the independence aspect to it: I have my own bank account that I can make purchases with; I don’t want to worry about my mom looking at my purchases (you know what I mean) so I actually buy the things I want. I feel all professional and adulty when I use banking jargon like “Yes, I would like to check my balance and transfer a set of funds from my domestic checking account to my international checking account”, but other than the feeling of autonomy and independence that I get from engaging with the bank system, I don’t like banks.

For starters, there are so many fees and they’ll all stupid. Like, overdraft fees, if you try to spend money you don’t have in your checking account, you can get slapped with a $35 overdraft fee, which to me seems so, pointless? Idk, I know the point is so that the bank can make money, but like, pfft, I’m not a fucking bank, I’m not a bank CEO or shareholder or board member, so why the fuck should that matter to me? I don’t care about the profit interests of banks, it’s not like I will ever see that money in my life. I care about me and my own convenience and life. If someone doesn’t have enough money in their checking for a purchase, just reject the purchase, like the fuck? Just say you can’t buy this thing you want, you don’t have to charge them for it, that’s so stupid.

Oh, and sometimes there are withdraw fees. Why? Why should I have to pay money to access my own money? Like what the fuck? What is the point? And don’t give me the “they need to make profit” line of defense, no the fuck they don’t, it is actually possible to run an organization without extracting endless lines of cash from it. You can just provide a fucking service and not have to always get something in return; life doesn’t have to be transactional ALL THE TIME. Life is not a bank, it shouldn’t be run like a set of cost and revenues functions or risk-benefit analyses, just fucking do what you are supposed to do.

The reason I hate banks is primarily because I think money as a concept is dumb. You have this imaginary number that separates you from the goods and services and whatever else that is produced in this world. It’s like a middleman you have to satisfy before you can access anything you need or want. You have to pay for housing, clothes, computers, chap stick, vacations, and literally everything. It’s annoying and it’s incredibly unhealthy.

Have we ever considered the long-term psychological consequences of having to turn every single desire you have into a risk-benefit analysis? Like, if I want to eat raspberry-filled chocolate, I have to weigh purchasing that over other things I might need to spend my money on. What if I need a repair for my bike? What if I need to pay for that train ticket? What if I want to eat out? What if I want that sex toy from Spencers? In our consumerist economy, that is a LOT of information you have to account for, and if you are poor like me, then you have to increase that processing ten-hundred-fold. And sure, the risk-benefit analysis becomes less arduous the richer you are, but most people aren’t rich and all people can’t be rich, by definition, so idk, is this really a psychologically sustainable way to organize consumption of goods and services?

I don’t think it is, especially since money is treated as a limited resource for everyday people, and as a limitless resource for governments, billionaires, and corporations. When you're not rich, your entire ability to access resources is limited by how much money you have. Why does it have to be limited? Why can’t I just eat the raspberry-flavored chocolate because I want to eat it and you are offering for it to be eaten? Why can’t I just grab the sex toy I want? Why do we have to limit ourselves for no good reason?

Oh, but people will tell you there are good reasons for money to exist. That we need money to exist. That there is no other way to organize a society. People talk about money like it’s as natural as the rising and setting of the sun, when in contrast to a literal celestial body, money is at the end of the day just a piece of paper (or I guess numbers on a screen). It has no inherent value to anyone; it is only valuable because we collectively consider it to be valuable. We already intuitively understand that, at least, I think we do. If I take my Euros to the local fish market in Madagascar and try to buy something, they will tell me to get lost! Because Euros aren’t considered to be valuable there. All this to say, money isn’t natural, it’s artificial; it is brought into this world by human choices and it can be brought out of this world with human choices.

One reason people talk about the necessity of money is because of scarcity, that if everything was free, we would run out of everything. Well, I hate to be the one to say it, but scarcity is a myth. Well, okay, technically there are limited amounts of everything, but that statement ignores context. If you live in a forest with 1 million apples and there are 5,000 people living in the forest, including you, that’s 200 apples per person. Is that meaningful scarcity? Relative to you and the population you are part of, do the apples even appear finite? How would you go about eating all of those in a day, or even a month, and what kind of person would eat 6 apples per day? Scarcity is relative to the population it affects, and only becomes meaningful when there are small levels of stuff in comparison to a large population that wants that stuff.

The mythology of scarcity ignores many key factors about the natural world. One, lots of resources are renewable. Water is renewable, air is renewable, energy is renewable (at least with solar, wind, and such), etc. You know what else is renewable? Biomass, so things like wood, plants, animals, food, agricultural products, cheeses, milk, etc. Renewable just means that it will naturally replenish itself so long as your consumption is horribly abusive and exploitative. And how can we ensure that our consumption is horribly abusive and exploitative? Adopting a zero waste paradigm, where we recycle, reuse, reduce shit, where we repair things that are broken, rot things into compost and soil, and refuse shit we don’t want.

Nature is cyclical. Resources are cyclical. Even things that aren’t considered renewable, like clay, sand, glass, gemstones, metals, ores, ARE actually renewable, they just take a long time to renew naturally. But goods themselves are renewable if you establish cycles of use. Take a bike that you own. It breaks so you repair it instead of buying a new bike which would use even more resources. It becomes irreparable so you melt the bike down and use the metal for something else, maybe a new bike or a kitchen appliance or a cup. Metal resources are cyclical, they can always be recycled and reused.

What if we made the most out of the resources we had instead of constantly destroying the natural environment to make more things? We have literal landfills full of resources, full of metals we can recycle, biomatter we can repurpose, items we can repair, etc. Waste is an illusion, created by capitalism to necessitate infinite production and consumption. Capitalism relies upon a linear waste model, where we produce shit, use shit, and discard shit, so we can buy the next shit. Anti-financialism relies upon a cyclical zero waste model, where we take shit, use shit, use shit for something else, and something else, and something else, and something else, forever, without us having to produce new resources for each “something else”.

We don’t need money to run our economy or limit scarcity. We can limit scarcity through responsible consumption and production, where we localize production, establish complex trade networks, adopt the 6 Rs of zero waste, and rot and recycle when all other options are exhausted. Where we share the shit we already have instead of hoarding it for ourselves, where we borrow things temporarily, like with a library, until we are done so the next person can use it. Where we turn the process of accessing goods into gift-giving, offering the fruits of our labour only so that people may benefit from it.

Second part here.

[austennerdita2533]

Yes! I had heard about the spin off about their kids it’s on my tbr! Not sure when I’ll get around to it but I’ll get there eventually. But ooh their other series sounds interesting too I’ll put it on my tbr too!! But that’s exactly why I loved Coballoway too (plus I’m also similar to Rose so their love story felt more personal that way)

Yay!! I’m glad the atlas six interested you, I hope you like it when you get to it I’m really loving it so far! I can already tell there is at least one ship I’m going to love it just hits all of my favorite tropes/things I enjoy. But the magic system is so cool and they are all so powerful.

Also glad you want to know about my reading too! I will keep you updated I have some books/series I really want to read but I try to be good and not read more than 2/3 at a time (and not buy anymore till I’m finished). Right now I’m also working through the throne of glass series which might take me awhile but I’m enjoying that too! Right now the books up next on my list are: Ugly Love, The Ravenhood Series, The Hating Game, Zodiac Academy, and Twisted Games (it’s the second book in a series that come out this month I loved Twisted Love by Ana Huang-highly recommend it if you love grumpy/sunshine and brother’s best friend tropes plus the twists were amazing-this one is a different couple but I’m excited!!)

Also! Don’t think I mentioned it yet maybe I did but I also read the Folk Air Series that you recommended! It took me a little while to get into but I ended up really loving it and Jurdan. I loved loved loved Jude and how power hungry she was and how Cardan was just obsessed with her. Their relationship build up was so good too.

All the best!!

-ACOTAR Anon

I keep meaning to get around to the Like Us series myself but I haven't managed it yet. It's been sitting on my tbr (and my Kindle) for a good couple of years now. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I know I'll read it eventually...but when eventually will be is anybody's guess.

(This is a good commentary on my reading life in general, I think. It's impossible to keep up with everything!)

The Atlas Six is pretty fascinating so far! I'm only about 25% into it but the magical world building is unique and I like how the narrative switches between the different POV's. Usually I don't care for more than 3 or 4 alternating perspectives in books because it makes it harder for me to invest in the characters, since I don't have as much time with them, but it works exceedingly well in this one. Helps to preserve the mystery of Atlas early on. And also allows readers to see how different all of the characters are in magical skill, background, personality, etc. I can't wait to see what unfolds!

I'm also currently reading Anxious People by Frederik Backman. I don't know if you've read anything by him before but he's such a good storyteller. Grabs you by the hearstrings. He's funny as hell, too. I've loved everything I've picked up from him so far. He has a knack for crafting beautifully flawed relatable complex characters. And this book is no exception. It might end up being a 5-star read for me, which is rare.

The next books on your to-read list sound fantastic, btw! Some I have read already or have them snuggled on one of my many wishlists. Like the Zodiac Academy and the Ravenhood series. And The Hating Game is one of my contemporary romance obsessions. It's just so enemies-to-lovers charged and fun. That book is packed full of a bunch tropes I adore. I've already read it twice and will likely revisit it again in the future. Thanks for mentioning Ugly Love (I need to get off my butt and read Colleen Hoover) and Twisted Love because those are definitely right up my alley. Grumpy/sunshine is one of my favorite romance tropes. I live for it!

And yayyy! I'm so happy to hear you enjoyed The Folk of the Air! It does take a bit to settle into the world of that story, as well as to become engrossed in the characters, but once you do, it's full speed ahead. Jude is such a badass. I love that she's ambitious to the point she's willing to take people out/down to get what she wants. Her fraught relationship with Madoc is fascinating to me as well. And Jurdan is just such a delicious ship. I love it so much. It's true enemies-to-lovers excellence. They have so many quotable lines!

I'm excited because Holly Black has a new adult fantasy series coming out next year, in 2022. It's called Book of Night and the premise sounds cool as hell. I've already been stalking NetGalley in the hopes that I have a chance at first dibs on an ARC lolol.

Also, if you can find self-restraint enough not to buy any more books until you've read most of the ones you have then I salute you! I try oh, so hard to enact this rule upon myself...but it never works. Like ever. 😂

It's my own fault, really. I get daily emails/alerts from Kindle, BookBubs, etc. letting me know about titles that are on sale for less than $5, and when they're that cheap, I can't seem to justify NOT buying a whole hoard of them even though I know they're more than likely to remain unread for a long, loooong time to come. Better than paying full price, though. Right?

If you haven't email subscribed to any of these sites, and you're looking to save some cash on audio or e-books specifically, you should. I'd spend a whole ass fortune on books if I didn't use them. (I check out a lot of books from the library, too.) I dropped the links to some of the ones I use in case you or anyone else who reads this is interested and doesn't know about them:

Book Bubs (you can set preferences/alerts based on your favorite books, genres, authors; you can rate stuff and curate your own wishlist too)

Early Bird Books (I use this one a lot to find classics that are on sale/free)

Book Riot (this site has a lot of book sweepstakes you can enter for a chance to win gift cards to Barnes & Noble, Book Depository etc.)

Kindle Book Deals (there are tons of deals offered daily, weekly monthly; I'm not a Kindle Unlimited member but there's that option, too)

NewInBooks (new releases; has links for Kindle, Apple, Audio, and hardcover)

Anyway take care, sweets, and happy reading! 💜

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Modern monetary theory's moment has arrived

Modern monetary theory is an economic lens for understanding how money works. It starts from the commonsense assertion that national governments are money-issuers, and the rest of us are money users, and that money works differently when you are in charge of creating it.

But this challenges accepted wisdom, like the idea that national deficits cause inflation and saddle our descendants with debt. If governments are the source of money, then they don't tax us in order to spend. They spend (which puts money into the economy) and then tax back.

If the government runs a "balanced budget" that means it's taxing as much money of out existence as it is spending into existence, leaving behind no money for the rest of us to save or spend. Balanced budgets starve the private sector of the money it needs to operate.

When that happens, banks create private money (lending money that they don't have on deposit, something that they are allowed to do as part of their deal with the national government), and then they get to charge interest for those loans.

So the finance sector hates public money - which benefits everyone - and loves private money - which benefits them. But of course, banks inevitably overspend and since they aren't national governments, they risk defaulting, so they need public money to bail them out.

Governments can't default on debts owed in currencies they issue. They just type more zeroes into a spreadsheet at the national bank and they can pay off any debt they want. They are not "monetarily constrained."

The constraint on governments is RESOURCES, not money. If the government tries to buy things the private sector is using, it gets into a bidding war and prices go up. That's inflation.

Likewise, if the private sector has too much money, it bids against itself and again, prices go up - inflation (think of the 2008 crisis, when banks created too much money and we got a speculative housing bubble, leaving governments to create money to bail them out).

Governments don't tax to balance budgets: they tax to remove money from the system to fight inflation. Progressive taxation - higher taxes on the rich - minimize the privation of having some of your money annihilated, and it also weakens the 1%'s power to influence politics.

(Governments have done other things to fight inflation when they felt the need to buy things the private sector wanted, like during WWII: war bonds that locked up the money pumped into economy with war spending, and rationing, which limited bids on war materiel).

MMT has seen many vindications since the 2008 crisis, when the bailouts didn't produce the inflation we'd been warned of. Then, when the GOP tax plan passed and left the fed budget trillions in deficit, we were warned that the USG had no more resources to fight a future crisis.

But when the crisis hit, Congress was able to spend trillions into existence with the stroke of a pen, without inflation, because the private sector no longer wanted the labor of a large fraction of the workforce. The existence of the tax deficit was irrelevant.

The reason to be alarmed by the deficit left behind by the tax bill is that it will make rich people richer, not that it will deprive the federal government of money. That's like saying giving free Itunes gift cards to plutes starves Apple of cards for the rest of us.

All of this is beautifully explained in a new NPR Marketplace interview with Stephanie Kelton, MMT's most articulate, thoughtful and knowledgable spokesperson.

https://www.marketplace.org/shows/make-me-smart-with-kai-and-molly/maybe-modern-monetary-theory-is-an-answer-to-the-covid-19-economic-crisis/

Kelton's interview is tied to her upcoming (June) release, "The Deficit Myth." The book couldn't be more timely. With the private sector no longer interested in the labor of so many of us, nor the goods we can produce, MMT is the lens we need.

https://stephaniekelton.com/book/

[cosmodozer]

5:32 AM Prologue - Welcome to Musutafu

Musutafu...

An energetic city where something always seems to be happening. 

Many writers had visited and immediately cranked out a bestseller, hit with a certain creative stroke of genius. 

It's a writer's dream city, a city of inspiration...unless you're Hitoshi Shinsou apparently. 

He had just moved into his dads’ old house a few weeks ago with his little sister Eri, and still had nothing. He visited many areas with his best friend from college, Izuku, but was never hit with the creative strike other writers had claimed to have gotten. Hitoshi was a little stressed...okay, maybe not just a little.

He released a deep sigh, "still got nothing," he relayed. His green-haired best friend looked at him with concern, as writing was everything to Hitoshi. He'd never seen Hitoshi so stuck, so he patted his back with a sorry smile.

"It's okay, you're just getting settled in anyways. Art takes time, and MindJack is definitely considered art." Izuku smiled, trying to reassure Hitoshi, "Maybe you just need something to happen to YOU instead of just viewing what happens to others! Since MindJack is based on you, after all."

Hitoshi chuckled, and gave Izuku his signature sarcastic smirk, "Yeah, because something wonderful will definitely happen. Sure. Hate to break it to you Zuku, but the universe doesn't like me that much, I'm not like you or your fairytale prince of a fiancée."

Izuku sputtered and twisted his engagement ring with a blush, "He- I-...It's not that much of a fairytale..." He smiled to himself thinking about his about-to-be husband Tenya, before snapping out of it and focusing back on the subject at hand: walking to his mother's small café.

~~~~

The two men arrived at Inko's, a beautiful café that was deemed a second home to many people. They entered the café door, hearing the small bell ding as they stepped inside.

They were greeted by an intoxicating scent of coffee and vanilla. Café tables adorned the sun-kissed marbled floors, as if placed there at the tip of an artists brush. The cafes honeyed hues of chestnut brown and cream bring a sweetness to the day, coaxing an inner smile that warms anyone from within. The chestnut walls were adorned with art from local artists, along with the artists information and email on small cards below.

As beautiful as the café looked, it was well known for its baked goods, from recipes made by the kind owner herself. The owner, Inko Midoriya, was a kind lady with a loving heart. She would give discounts to people who looked as if they needed it, and offer free snacks and shelter from any storms to those stuck outside. Her son Izuku gained her love of the kitchen and decided to go to culinary school, meeting his rich soon-to-be husband Tenya Iida. He offered to help Inko upgrade the café, but she politely declined, saying that it was perfect the way it was.

Inko was quick to hire Shinsou when she heard of his predicament, happy to pass her love of the café to more people. She said that any friend of her son's was welcome to the café, and she was glad to have someone so well-versed in coffee knowledge. Hitoshi, the resident insomniac, offered to take the early hours and night shifts whenever needed, as long as there was someone to stay with Eri. Inko joyfully suggested her house, which was just atop the café, so Hitoshi could still check up on her. Thus, the deal was made and Hitoshi was to be introduced to the staff the next day.

~~~~

After all of Inko's baby Izuku stories and housewarming gifts (mostly consisting of baked goods), Hitoshi left the café to pick up Eri from Mirio's house. Mirio also went to college with the insomniac, but was a few years ahead of him. Mirio had been great friends with Izuku and was introduced to Hitoshi in an attempt to get the writer to be more social. They got along pretty well, and when Mirio met Eri he immediately decided to take her under his wing. Hitoshi was glad that he had befriended the small girl, as she was scared to talk to most people, and in-turn wasn't able to make friends well.

Hitoshi knocked on the door, and was met with a shy man he'd grown to know as Tamaki. They greeted each other with a mutual wave before Tamaki let him inside, rushing off to get his husband. Hitoshi was met with a feeling of peace as he stepped inside, only to be glomped by a tiny girl who hugged him tightly. The scent of apple shampoo was strong as he hugged Eri back, happy to see her again. He let out a small chuckle, as she squealed with joy.

“Hito’s back!!! Don’t leave for that long again, we missed you!”

“We? Wha-” He started, but then was glomped by what felt like a car...aka Mirio.

Tamaki mouthed a small ‘sorry’ as his husband said,

“SHINSOU! Good to see you buddy! It’s been too long! We should definitely go get some lunch sometime!”

Hitoshi awkwardly patted his back and nodded, as Tamaki whispered

“Uh, Mirio? I think you might be hurting him...”

“Oh, oops! Sorry Shinsou, keep forgetting my own body weight sometimes!” Mirio relayed with a smile, removing himself from Hitoshi, who looked a bit more purple than usual, “Thanks for reminding me, sunshine!”

Tamaki flushed and gave a small smile, twisting his wedding band around his finger. The two had recently gotten married, and Eri had the joy of being their flower girl. Mirio and Tamaki had offered to let Eri stay with them for a while after the wedding, so Hitoshi could go through with the move smoothly. They said that they needed a kids opinion on how to style an extra room anyways, as they were planning on adopting, and wanted to spend their honeymoon getting ready for it.

“It’s okay, but we have to go home now. I have a shift early tomorrow, so Eri needs to get to bed soon. Inko said she could stay upstairs or go to the park until school starts, she even offered to walk her there.” Hitoshi said with a smile, picking up Eri and her bag. “Is there anything you want to say to them, tiny?”

Eri smiled at the two and waved “Thank you for being good stand-in daddies!”

“Bye Eri, thank you for staying over,” Tamaki spoke, shakily smiling at the girl while Mirio waved at the two.

With that, Hitoshi and Eri walked out the door and went over to their new-old house. They went inside, where Eri got ready for bed and was read a bedtime story...or four. When she finally fell asleep, Hitoshi tucked her in and shut the door quietly.

Hitoshi smiled and went to the kitchen, where his laptop was charging, to make a pot of coffee and try to write something.

‘This is going to be a long night...’

[youknow-i-loveit]

Why I Still Feel Like I Need To Ask Permission Before I Do Anything Ever

Randomly hit with the realization that my parents are still holding me back because they never taught me how to act with autonomy.

They never taught me how to be assertive or how to tell people things.

(They also wrecked my self-esteem, which was pretty horrible to begin with.)

My parents were very “do this because I told you to” authoritarian types who didn’t like to answer questions, and especially hated it when you questioned them. Questioning other authority figures was okay sometimes, depending on who the authority figure was, but my parents wanted to reign over their children with absolute power.

They generally had issues with needing to feel in-control. They didn’t have great role models for what it means to be an authority figure- my mom was the youngest, doted upon and spoiled for being the only girly-girl in the family, and by the time her parents had her (the eighth child), they were exhausted and distant, permissive, laissez-faire parents- and my dad grew up under an abusive military man who routinely beat his children, who used his voice as a weapon, and when he was at work, his wife ruled through manipulation, primarily guilt-tripping. Since my dad was the second of his six brothers, he was considered to have a better idea about how to deal with children, so my mom generally deferred to him, partly because of that, and partly because if my dad didn’t feel like he was in charge, he would make sure everybody felt miserable.

And as they say, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. My dad very much took after his father. He thought he was being toned-down and “gentle,” and bragged all the time about how he had it worse, making it sound like he was going easy on us. He often threatened to act more like his dad. But while I feel bad for him and his brothers and the abuse they endured, that gave him no excuse to abuse us the ways he did.

I could go on and on, but the point is, my parents didn’t know how to be in charge, but they felt that it was their god-given right to be in charge-- literally, they kept throwing “Honor Your Mother And Father” at us from the Ten Commandments.

My parents never admitted to being wrong. In fact, my dad hammered it in that being wrong was shameful and something that none of us should ever, ever do- ignorance was considered shameful, and if we ever dared utter the sentence “I didn’t know,” he would mock us, roar at us, and quite often, make references to that moment for the rest of the day, if not the rest of the week. It took me years to be okay with admitting that I don’t know things. To teach myself that learning should be fun and exciting, and that teaching others new information should be seen as an opportunity, not as a burden.

So my parents are proudly ignorant control freaks with an abusive streak, who want to rule with absolute authority; so far so great right?

My parents were strict Catholics who wanted us to follow their faith. They took us to church every Sunday. They enrolled all of us in Catholic school until they couldn’t afford the tuition anymore. They insulted anyone non-Catholic- even other Christians- calling them stupid and sinners and sometimes even “evil,” and considered anyone who attended Catholic church but didn’t adhere to their beliefs “not true Catholics,” so they were lumped in with the rest of the riffraff who were apparently going to hell.

We were allowed to question authority figures that didn’t adhere to their strict beliefs, and even encouraged to make fun of them, but if we ever dared to question someone who did, my parents informed us with cold, cutting certainty that we were making the wrong choice and were in danger of going to hell ourselves.

We grew up pretty sheltered. Our parents wouldn’t let us participate in most of the fads that swept up everyone else in our peer groups. It didn’t even matter when those peers were all Catholic kids attending our same Catholic school- my parents still thought their parents were making the wrong decisions, and we were effectively isolated from socializing with our peers. For a window into this, consider that I was forbidden from watching or playing Pokemon during the late 1990s. At recess, literally everyone else in my class would “play Pokemon,” whether that meant they were actually playing the trading-card game or whether they were pretending to be characters from the show. Since I wasn’t allowed to participate, I was left alone on the swings, accompanied only by one of the lunch moms who took pity on me. (Her name was Mrs. Stevenson. She was funny. I liked her. For Halloween, she wore an ugly holiday sweater with Froot Loops glued all over it and said she was a ‘cereal killer.’)

We weren’t allowed to watch Sailor Moon, or Rugrats, or Dragon Ball Z. We weren’t allowed to play with Furbies. We were allowed to accept Beanie Babies as gifts, but our parents were too poor to buy us any, so I think the most I had was about six.

We were also (wrongly) informed that people different from us were all stupid. I questioned this from a young age, asking why people were different, but instead of actually answering me, my mom would go “Exactly!” as though that settled that.

So when I asked why African Americans spoke differently or dressed differently or said things like “black pride,” I was told it was because they were entitled and because they thought they were special, but that they were foolish and wrong. It was only later, on my own, that I learned they don’t do these things to set themselves apart from the rest of society out of some weird petty desire to be special and different, but because we stole their culture from them, and they need to reclaim an identity that they can be proud of. The system is stacked against them, so every act of embracing their blackness is an act of rebellion against the system that tries to crush them every day. They speak differently because of where they live, because of history and culture that have shaped their words that way, and if their grammar is improper, that’s most likely due to underfunded school districts, but it could also be code-switching so they fit in with their peers.

And when I asked why anyone would be anything other than Christian if the Bible really was the word of God, and God was real, I was told it was because they’re too stupid or jaded to see the truth. So when my uncle came out as Muslim when I was a teenager, our family ostracized him, berated him, and made fun of him relentlessly behind his back, because we all thought he was stupid. It was years later that I became an atheist and I realized the questioning process he must have gone through, the philosophy he must have studied, the books upon books he must have read, the agonizing introspection he must have endured, all while living under his parents’ roof... 

We were told that we were smart. That we were important and special. 

But we were also taught that we were constantly on the razor’s edge of being undeserving of love or redemption.

Naturally, this caused me to form strong attachments to characters like Loki, Bucky, and the Beast from Beauty and the Beast- characters who others saw as monstrous, but who seemed worthy of redemption, who didn’t seem to deserve everything that was done to them, even as much as they blamed themselves or got down on themselves sometimes.

The constant messages of “you need to be perfect or else” and “you are a disappointment,” accompanied by my dad’s ridiculously high standards, made me desperate for approval. 

I sought favor with my parents nearly every day, but was so often disappointed- especially by my dad. Even when I’d done something I was really proud of, he’d find ways to poke holes in it, talk down to me, call me stupid, and ask something to the effect of why I’d made such a horrible decision.

So I started looking elsewhere.

Friends. Partners. Teachers. Professors. Therapists. Co-workers. Bosses. Other people’s moms. Members of groups I joined. Anywhere I could get it, I was (and still am) constantly thirsty for validation, praise, and approval.

My parents probably weren’t trying to do this, but they taught me to constantly second-guess myself. They taught me that I needed to ask for permission to exist.

One of the things that was brought up over and over again whenever one of us would upset Mom was that “she gave birth to you.” On one memorable occasion, my dad went into graphic detail about how exactly the birthing process worked. He made it sound like some sort of accomplishment, or personal favor, that I should be forever grateful and reverent towards. But I never asked for this. Giving birth was something she couldn’t avoid. I should have never been guilt tripped into feeling like I owed her something for it.

Whenever my dad was a certain flavor of upset, he’d bark “Get out of my sight!” We would flee to some far corner of the house, behind some closed door, and cry where no one could see. In that moment, he had ceased to give permission to exist in his presence.

So when I first came out as trans, I struggled a lot, because I felt like I constantly had to ask everyone around me for permission to be myself.

It’s tragic that, in retrospect, everyone would have respected me a lot more if instead of asking, I had simply told them who I am and then been myself. I should never have felt so timid, so cowed. I should never have felt like I owed anyone an apology for asking them to use my name and my pronouns.

I should have been free to be me.

But when I lived under my parents’ roof, I wasn’t free. I was forced to hide, to pretend. I was forced to let them deadname and misgender me. I was still forced to attend church until I moved out-- I got out of attending weekly mass by pleading that it was detrimental to my mental health, after being forced to attend masses as an atheist for over a year. But in order to keep a roof over my head, I was still forced to attend Christmas and Easter mass every year, and badgered to attend more masses at nearly every opportunity.

I had to lie about who I was dating too. I had to hide all the ups and downs- the euphoria of new crushes and new relationships, the agony and heartbreak of breakups or bumps in the road. I couldn’t ask my parents for advice navigating this extremely important part of my life. Instead I had to figure it all out on my own, and lie, and pretend they were my “friends.”

My parents made me feel as though I couldn’t do anything on my own.

So to this day, I still often feel like I have to ask for help or for moral support in order to get things done. Not everything, but anything that my partner could feasibly be involved in or have any opinion on whatsoever. Filling out forms, looking things up, buying food, scheduling our week.

And anything that I’m not 1000% sure my friends would invite me to, or anything I’m not 1000% sure they want me to do, I’ll hang back on or stay silent. Any sort of physical affection that I’m not 1000% sure is welcome, I’ll hold back on or I won’t even offer, because I’m so scared of rejection or retaliation. Any complaints that I have, I’ll run by someone else first, and sit on for often weeks or months before I bring it up, if I ever bring it up, because I’m so worried that someone’s temper will flare, or that they will grow cold and distant and cut me off from their affection/ attention/ presence.

My parents never taught me how to ask for things.

They never taught me how to tell people things, simple things, like “I’m going to the store,” or “I’m a guy actually,” or say “Oh, you’re going to meet up with a bunch of people I know? Can I come?”

I’m self-taught in a lot of things, but socializing is one of them.

And as I’m sitting here typing this, I’m waiting for my partner, because we have to get through a lot of paperwork and beaurocratic nonsense this week, and even though not all of it strictly needs to involve her, I still feel like I can’t do it on my own.

It’s okay to ask for help. That’s something I’ve had to get used to too.

But sometimes I worry if I ask for too much help. >_<

[maesvtro]

73 questions.

i was tagged by @drunklili​ thank you so much love 💕✨ i have the q&a under the cut so i don’t clog up people’s dashes. tags are under the cut as well <3

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now?? it’s okay so i guess a 5

describe yourself in a hashtag?? #clowned

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be?? well, uh, idk, i guess irl it would probably be tom holland?

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say?? a half of the horror twins

what’s one thing people don’t know about you?? i am very good at lying i guess? i can always talk my way out of stuff

what’s your wakeup ritual?? i just lie down on my bed and procrastinate before getting up and brush my teeth and wash my face and go to the washroom

what’s your go to be ritual?? i lie down on my bed, go on my phone and stay up til an ungodly hour before plugging my phone in to charge, play some music and pass out

what’s your favorite time of the day?? golden hour

your go to for having a good laugh?? b99 or john mulaney

dream country to visit?? the us and russia

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve had?? a once good friend of mine showing up at my school after leaving for britain, i think i almost cried

heels or flats/sneakers?? heels and sneakers, i am a big hoarder of sneakers, especially nike and adidas ones ehehehhe

vintage or new?? depends on the brand but both

who do you want to write your obituary?? uuuh, not answering that

style icon?? lisa manoban, margot robbie, zendaya, kang seulgi and dove cameron

what are three things you cannot live without?? the internet, family, and food

what’s one ingredient you put in everything?? i don’t put one specific thing in everything, i just put whatever i think will taste nice in that dish

what 3 people living or dead would you like to make dinner for?? are we counting fictional characters because I can go on and on forever. Zendaya, Timothee Chalamet and Margot Robbie. I cook for my family too much <3

what’s your biggest fear in life?? losing people i love

window or aisle seat?? aisle :)

what’s your current tv obsession?? the witcher

favorite app?? my social media apps

secret talent?? i can do aerial silks and hoops

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life?? i have been on a trapeze before and i love it 

how would you define yourself in three words?? sarcastic, fun, chaotic

favorite piece of clothing you own?? a light blue vintage denim jacket my grandma owns and she gave it to my sister and i traded a black denim jacket for it with her

must have clothing item everyone should have?? a leather jacket

superpower you would want?? magic?

what’s inspiring you in life right now?? i don’t know

best piece of advice you’ve received?? more espresso less depresso

best advice you’d give your teenage self?? don’t wear that

a book everyone should read?? lord of the rings the trilogy

what would you like to be remembered for?? my achievements

how do you define beauty?? depends

what do you love most about your body?? my lips

best way to take a rest/decompress?? music and tv shows, selfcare!!

favorite place to view art?? museums and the city

if your life were a song, what would the title be?? “stop swearing so much”

if you could master one instrument, what would it be?? my singing ability or the guitar

if you had a tattoo, where would it be?? my inner wrist

dolphins or koalas?? dolphins

what’s your spirit animal?? harley quinn

best gift you’ve ever received?? a box of the chronicles of narnia

best gift you’ve ever given?? a jar of paper stars with my sister for my mom, we wrote messages on the paper :))

what’s your favorite board game?? uno and cards against humanity

what’s your favorite color?? blood red

least favorite color?? musty orange

diamonds or pearls?? diamonds

drugstore makeup or designer?? designer

blow-dry or air-dry?? both

pilates or yoga?? aerial yoga

coffee or tea?? both

what’s the weirdest word in the English language?? cocoa, like how tf do you pronounce that

dark chocolate or milk chocolate?? dark

stairs or elevator?? both

summer or winter?? summer

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat?? meat, i never get tired of meat

a dessert you don’t like?? apple crumble, don’t hate me

a skill you’re working on mastering?? not procrastinating

best thing to happen to you today?? my uncle bought back char siu after his run and i almost cried (char siu is a chinese pork)

worst thing to happen to you today?? my procrastination 

best compliment you’ve ever received?? that i’m easy to talk to 

favorite smell?? the ocean or citrus 

hugs or kisses?? boTH

if you made a documentary, what would it be about?? comics and the entertainment industry

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry?? lisa’s lili film #3

lipstick or lip gloss?? lipstick

sweet or savoury?? savoury

girl crush?? oh my god so many, lisa manoban, zendaya, kang seulgi, margot robbie, lilly collins, dove cameron, and song yuqi

how do you know you’re in love?? i’ve never been in love, unless fictional characters count?

song you can listen to on repeat?? any blackpink song because yg don’t give them a comeback and i’m salty

if you could switch lives with someone for a day who would it be?? probably a kpop idol so see how hectic their lives are

what are you most excited about at this time in your life?? finishing my hsc and graduating

tagging!! @alinagenya, @ohwarnette, @edgarallan, @lucypcvensie, @chloexmorningstar, @mollyweasly, @florenepugh, @cecilylightwood, @highqueen, @panhansolo, @darlingfeyree and anyone who wants to do this

-> as usual, feel free to ignore :))

[eddiesasspbrak]

When I’m With You Ch. 16

Eddie can’t stand the barista at his favorite coffee shop. Richie has fallen in love with the man he sees twice a week. Stan is dating someone but won’t let his friends meet them. Ben is in love with Beverly, but is so afraid of scaring her away he’s not moving forward. Chaotic friends navigating college together.

Ch. 1

Read on AO3

2k+ words

By Monday, Eddie’s ankle was starting to feel a lot better. He was no longer using the crutches and gave Bev her office chair back. When cooking with Richie, he mostly did things he could sit down to do. Like cutting up onions or peeling potatoes. For some reason, watching Richie cook was becoming a turn on for him. They still occasionally ordered in of course, but Eddie was saving a lot of money grocery shopping instead of eating out for every meal.

On Tuesday, Bev still came to pick him up as no one thought he should be walking that far yet. The snow and ice were nearly completely gone already as spring started to stake its claim. He likely wouldn’t slip again, but it was better to be careful with his mother’s impending visit creeping closer with each passing day. Eddie found that sitting on Richie’s lap, his fingers in his hair and the rhythmic breathing beneath his ear but enough to keep him calm when he got anxious about it. Not being with Richie during her visit was going to be next to impossible. He wondered if he could sneak out and spend at least a few minutes with him without her knowing.

Wednesday morning, Ben sent an Uber to pick Eddie up still not wanting the charges to show up on his card. Especially since she’d reminded him that she kept track on Saturday. Eddie made sure to call her every afternoon just for a few minutes. She’d ask what his schedule was like for the day and he’d tell her but would make things up to fill the entire day. He had a suspicion that she would try to show up early if she thought he had any free time. As long as he was in the brace and limping, she couldn’t come. Every day he was getting better and barely limped anymore, but she would notice even a slight change.

He’d called her that morning since he had his weekly plan of getting lunch with Stan before class. She wasn’t thrilled that he was going to meet with Stan, but he ignored it. He loved Stan more than he loved her and wouldn’t let her interfere with his friendship if he could. Stan and Ben had stood the trials of Sonia Kaspbrak many times over the years and always stuck around anyway. Eddie wouldn’t get rid of them no matter how hard she tried to make him. He just hoped his new friends and Richie would be the same.

Stan was already there when Eddie arrived. He’d texted and asked Eddie what he wanted and had already picked up his meal for him. Sometimes they took turns treating one another, so this was nothing out of the ordinary. He thanked him and greeted him in the same breath as he sat across from him with a loud sigh.

“Rough morning?” Stan asked, blowing on forkful of food.

“Rough week more like. Every day we get closer to Sunday and I get closer to a mental breakdown.”

“Oh, come on, she’s visited before and you’ve survived.”

“Yea but I didn’t have a boyfriend in the past and I wasn’t injured. I just have this feeling she’s going to know about both things the second she arrives. Next thing I know, she’ll be dragging me back home against my will.”

“That’s kidnapping.”

“She’s my mother.”

“And you’re an adult. We won’t let her take you if she tries. We’ll all chain ourselves to you and you know it. Take turns hiding you in dorms and apartments until she gives up.”

Eddie let out a little laugh, blowing air out of his nose. “She’ll call the police.”

“Good. She’s the one trying to kidnap you. They’ll arrest her.”

“You’ve gotten surprisingly optimistic since you met your boys.” Eddie said, pointing his fork toward Stan.

It was true. Stan had anxiety just as bad as Eddie and suffered with worse OCD than him. Everything had to be just so, or he’d hyperventilate. With his anxiety, he always worried about everything that could go wrong and was scared very easily. One time when they were young, Eddie’s mom had taken him on a trip and refused to tell him when they would return. Stan was convinced that she was moving him away and they’d never see him again. He had daily panic attacks until Eddie finally returned. This wasn’t like Stan at all.

“I’m just...happy. And I know you’re happy. We’ve got good friends who like each other. We all are in relationships that are good for us. We all deserve to be happy and carefree right now as much as possible. So, yea, I’m optimistic as fuck.”

Eddie smiled and for the moment felt content and without worry. Stan was right. Things were good and his mom visiting couldn’t change that, right? He would still worry until her visit was over, but with the support of his friends and boyfriend, he could believe that everything would be ok.

*

After class, Eddie met up with Bev. She had some shopping to do and invited Eddie to join her. They hadn’t hung out just the two of them since she started seeing Ben and he started seeing Richie. It was long overdue, and he missed spending time with her.

She picked him up on campus, turning her thumping music down as he got into the car. “Hello my dear Edward. It’s strange seeing you without a Richie glued to your side.”

“I could say the same about Ben.”

“Touché. We do have some irresistible boys in our lives now, don’t we?”

“I’d say so.” Eddie settled back into his seat as she drove off of campus and onto the busy streets. “Where are we headed?”

“I thought maybe we could head to the mall. I’m out of soap and I like the stuff at Bath and Bodyworks.”

“Fine by me. Their stuff smells good but if my mom found any of their stuff in my apartment, she’d lecture me about my skill being sensitive to scented things. It’s unscented soap and lotion for me!”

“Gross. Hey, you can always stash stuff at my place while she’s here if you need.”

“Can I stash Richie there?”

“Embarrassed of your boyfriend already?”

“No, I’m just worried about what she’ll think of him. I think she’ll hate him and that will eventually make telling her we’re dating even harder. The longer I put off their meeting, the better it’ll be. For all of us.”

“Your mom sounds like a real treat.”

“That’s an understatement.”

“What do you think she’ll think of me?” She placed a hand under her chin and batted her eyelashes at Eddie.

“Well, she hates Ben, so she’ll think you have bad taste for sure.”

“How does she hate Ben?! He’s like the sweetest most respectful guy I know. The first time he touched my boob I thought his head was going to explode. He still asks for permission every time he feels me up.”

“Didn’t need to know that. She hates all of my friends, though. Doesn’t matter how amazing they are. She sees them as a threat, someone I’ll choose over her.”

“Would you? Choose any of us over her I mean.”

“In a heartbeat. All of you. I know she loves me in some twisted way but that’s not what really love is. You guys taking care of me over the last two weeks is what love is supposed to be. There’s nothing wrong with worrying about the people you care about but she’s just controlling.”

“Dude, you’re going to make me cry.” Bev sniffed.

Eddie reached out and took her hand. “If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t know how happy I could be.”

“Ditto.”

They sat in silent for a moment, the only sound coming from the radio. Eddie would forever be grateful for the friends he’d made since leaving his hometown with his friends to attend college. He’d always heard of the concept of a found family and he was sure that’s what this was. When he closed his eyes, he could see all seven of them well into the future, still together and happy. In their forties, sitting on a beach with drinks and their kids who are also best friends. He’d never thought that seriously about his future before or where he would end up or who he would end up with. But a future with Richie sounded nice. Just the thought of the other man has his heart swelling with love.

At the mall, Bev linked her arm with Eddie’s and walked at a slower pace to accommodate his still achy ankle. Bev stocked up on the things she needed and convinced Eddie to buy some of the sweet-smelling foaming soap for his bathroom. She promised to take it home and hide it her place until after his mom left. He also bought some for Richie’s apartment as he was using a bar of soap and that grossed him out. They ate soft pretzels in the food court and drank smoothies.

Bev drove back to Eddie’s place and they curled up under a blanket on his couch, watching movies and eating some brownies Richie had left for him. When Richie got home, he went to his apartment to clean up before joining them in Eddie’s. He was gifted his candy apple foaming hand soap and sat with the two of them below the blanket. Ben joined them shortly after and the three cooked dinner together and spent the rest of the evening together. For the first time, Richie slept in Eddie’s bed.

*

By Thursday, Eddie was ready to burst with nerves. He’d already started cleaning his apartment, boxing up things to hide at Bev’s that she might find fault with. Waking up in Richie’s arms helped but the first thought in his head, as soon as the anxiety set back in, was that he needed to wash his bedding so she wouldn’t smell him on it. Would she really smell his sheets? Absolutely. There was no doubt in his mind that she would. And if she smelled Richie on them, he’d be screwed.

After their morning class, Ben accompanied Eddie to the café. He was feeling much better and thought the walk would be good for him if he was aiming to be without the brace by Sunday. Bev had to meet with her group for a project but promised to meet them there before her class with Eddie. Seeing Richie’s face light up with a bright smile as soon as he walked in, helped banish his worries for a while. The line was fairly short and by the time they got to the front, he was buzzing with energy just wanting to be with Richie. Yea, he’d woken up with him that morning, but he wanted to be with him always, glued to his side.

“Good morning times two my Spaghetti. And good morning to you Ben.” Richie greeted, leaning on the countertop.

“Times two?” Ben asked.

“Sorry Benny boy, I don’t kiss and tell.” Richie winked.

Ben flushed, a shy smile forming as he avoided eye contact. Eddie rolled his eyes and gently slapped Richie’s shoulder.

“Nothing even happened. He just slept over in my bed because he was too lazy to walk the ten feet to his own apartment.” Eddie said.

“I’m sorry, who clung to who now and was carried to bed like a princess?” Richie asked, cupping one hand around his ear.

“Shut up and take our order.” Eddie’s face was not the one that was flushed.

Ben ordered his usual and Eddie put in for a Richie special and then paid for both to make up for Ben helping him out so much over the last two weeks. They made their way to the end of the counter where Mike was working on Ben’s order. He greeted them with a warm smile and a moment later Bill was coming from the kitchen with a tray of baked goods. He waved after setting the tray down and made his way over.

“M-morning guys.” He greeted.

“Morning Bill. How are things?” Ben asked.

“Can’t complain too much. This week has run a little l-long, but the shop is closed this weekend, so we’ll get some much-needed time off.”

“You guys gonna hang out with Stan?” Eddie asked.

“If he’ll let us. He’s got a test next week he’s been studying for nonstop.” Mike said, bringing over Ben’s drink.

“Tell him he’s going to turn into his dad if he spends all his time studying. That will get you at least a day of Stan time.”

“And he’ll kick you in the shin like he always did to Eddie.” Ben added.

Richie brought Eddie’s drink to him and leaned against the counter. “Who’s kicking you and do I need to have a talk with them?” He asked.

“Stan and no, I kicked him right back.” Eddie said, taking a sip of the drink that tasted like vanilla ice cream.

“Hear that guys, we can put bets on whose boyfriend can beat the other in a fight. At the very least we can throw some jello in there and get a good show.” Richie winked at Bill and Mike, who rolled their eyes in response.

“Aaaaand now you’re single.” Eddie said, turning his back and heading to a table near the counter.

He could hear Mike and Bill behind him laughing as Ben excused himself and followed him. He locked eyes with Richie as soon as he sat, showing him a soft smile in case he thought for even a second that he was serious. Richie blew him a kiss and went back to work as a new customer entered.

Ben had received a text from Bev saying she was on her way and would be there soon while they’d been talking to the others. Now they could see her outside the big front window, running toward the door. Bev practically bounced over to them as soon as she entered the café, energy buzzing off of her before she’d even had any caffeine. She kissed Ben and sat on the edge of his chair, a big grin on her face.

“Guess who got invited to a frat party this Saturday!” She beamed.

“I guess Bev.” Eddie smiled.

“You guess right! And guess who’s going with me.”

“Ben?”

“Nope. All my boys! We all need to blow off some steam, don’t you think?”

With the way they were looking at him, Eddie knew that she really meant ‘you’re wound tighter than clock and we all know it’. But they were right. He was anxious about the impending visit and he could use a bit of a break. As long as he made sure his apartment with perfect before going out and didn’t drink too much, all would be good.

“Alright. I’m in.” He said.

“Really?” Ben seemed surprised.

“Yea. I haven’t been to a big blowout in a while. Might be fun.”

“Well, great!” Bev clapped her hands together. “Now we just need to convince Stan, Bill, Mike and Richie. Two of the four should be pretty easy.”

“Richie and…?” Eddie asked, knowing the other wasn’t Stan.

“Mikey. He loves a good party.” Bev stood again, pressing a kiss to the side of Ben’s head. “I’m gonna grab a coffee and let them know.”

Bev leaned against the counter, talking to the three boys who all gathered around to hear her when she called out to them. Eddie was very aware of the other men in the cafe staring at her and looked to Ben, who had his own eyes locked onto her with a goofy grin. Eddie couldn’t help smiling at him. Ben had never been the jealous type, so it didn’t surprise him that he wasn’t even aware of the attention she garnered. Sometimes he must have noticed, but Eddie couldn’t see him being bothered by it as long as Bev only had eyes for him.

After retrieving her drink, Bev came back to join them, pulling a third chair to their little table. “They’re all in. Bill is texting Stan to convince him but he’s giving him a hard time. Something about a test.”

Eddie sighed and rolled his eyes, pulling his phone from his pocket. “I’ve got this.”

Eddie: Stop being a little bitch. You’re going to that party

Stan: Fuck you

Eddie: See you Saturday

Stan sent back the middle finger emoji and a second later, Bill was calling out to them from the counter, “He said y-yes!”

When it was time for them to go, Eddie made his way to the counter and leaned across for a goodbye kiss from Richie. It was punctuated by all four of their present friends chorusing an “awww” at the action. Eddie hid the pink color in his cheeks with one hand while flipping them off with the other. Saying one last verbal goodbye, Bev, Eddie and Ben left. Ben walked them to class before leaving to head to the library.

Eddie was pretty excited for the party, but he was also a little nervous for several reason. One being the dangers of going out and drinking the night before his mom was due to arrive. The other being his experience at the last party he went to. He hadn’t told Richie everything about that night in the bathroom. He’d initiated the interaction, kissing the guy first because he was drunk, and he wanted to. It was the other guy who dragged him to the bathroom and Eddie felt obligated to let him touch him and reciprocate since he’d started the whole thing. The guy wanted to go further but someone started pounding on the door from the other side and Eddie made a hasty escape. After that his rebellious phase leveled out.

This time, he reminded himself, he’d be there with Richie. He wanted to touch Richie, wanted Richie to touch him. It wouldn’t be the same and this party could be a good memory that erased the last.

[gallantgautier]

Pokemon AU notes

So, this has been a long time coming. I’ve had Sylvain’s team set out for quite some time, but never really got around to writing out anything cohesive. (Sometimes life just be like that.) But over the last few days and their conversations, it was high time I got this out onto the dash. Thank you to Rai for letting me look to her wonderful post about Yuri’s life in the Pokemon world to serve as a template for me!

 Under a cut because oh jeez this ended up over 2.5k

Sylvain’s life notes.

Surrounded by snowy hills and woods, Sylvain grew up in Circhester. Used to such a cold climate, he still very much has an aversion to hot temperatures, poor guy just can’t handle them.

Life at home is similar to canon but has its differences in terms of why things happen. He’s slightly better adjusted in terms of his mental health due to the fact that expectations placed upon him from his family didn’t fall upon him as early as they do in canon. More on that in a bit.

The Gautier family has been full of successful Trainers, some even having travelled to other regions to hold positions within the Elite Four in previous generations. While none alive hold such positions now, they are nevertheless still a respected name when it comes to dark-type specialists.

Speaking of dark-type specialisation, this comes from the Guatier Crest’s link with Death in the Major Arcana. An often-misunderstood card, Death symbolises an end, such an end can pave the way for a new beginning, but it is not Death’s purpose to usher in that beginning, only to make the space for it. On its own, Death could also easily be attributed to ghost type Pokemon, but I feel Dark is a better fit on the grounds of dark often being attributed to evil when such is not the case, and Death often being seen as, well, death and general bad stuff.

Miklan was expected to have a successful career as a Trainer much like everyone before him. He had been gifted a Larvitar as his first Pokemon from his father. He was not ignored upon Sylvain’s birth like he had been in canon, however, in this ‘verse, as Sylvain was second born and thus not expected to climb the ranks of greatness, the younger brother was often coddled where Miklan was always pushed to train. That lack of affection and jealousy over the freedoms Sylvain was allowed became the source of his resentment.

With a brilliant mind for strategy and a ruthlessness born from a lack of compassion, Miklan could have been a Trainer that would become legendary in later years. But the absence of a kind bone within his body is also his greatest flaw, and it creates a barrier between him and success. He and his team are more like co-workers than friends, and it inhibits him from reaching his full potential. He would later fall into disgrace after a certain incident, and all the expectation that was once his would fall to his younger brother.

Sylvain, for his part, was content with never having to become a proper Trainer, preferring to watch Glenn and Felix train, or being able to just play with his Pokemon rather than battle. But after Miklan’s disgrace, his family would then push him towards becoming a brilliant Trainer worthy of the Gautier name. Luckily, he doesn’t have to undertake his journey alone, as it comes at a time when his best friend is preparing for his own.

Being out on the road and without his brother’s torment and his parents breathing down his neck, Sylvain slowly begins to discover the joy of simply learning about all the wonderful creatures that inhabit the wider world outside his snowy home. He comes into his own when it comes to creating recipes that are both nutritious and enjoyed by his and Felix’s companions, studying and coming to an understanding on how different kinds of Pokemon communicate with each other, and discovering ways to help improve the quality of life between a Trainer and their Pokemon. He’ll eventually go on to becomes something like a Pokemon Breeder – think animal husbandry rather than an actual breeder or even a Pokemon Centre staff member.

Yes, I’m aware that he’s almost literally Brock in this ‘verse! And I swear that’s just a happy accident! I thought long and hard before Rai pointed out the similarity to me and had come to the conclusion that this is a life he would lead to reflect canon. In the majority of his endings, Sylvain goes on to open communications with Sreng and brings peace at the border via diplomacy rather than with force like his ancestors had long employed. And it feels fitting that he would initially set out to become a Trainer who is expected to rise up to challenge the League (sent to the Officer’s Academy to learn battle strategy and train to eventually wield the Lance of Ruin and fight at the border) but instead finds his calling in communication and understanding.

But, add that he’s a ridiculous fun-loving flirt, he ends up as Brock. And honestly? I love it.

Sylvain’s team

Sylvain doesn’t really have an overarching theme for his team. Granted, when he set out, he was expected to become a dark-type specialist too. But at his core, Sylvain’s growth is always about subverting expectations. There were plenty of choices that I threw out simply on the grounds of too obvious, they’d be Pokemon he would have on his team that would – much like the face he presents the majority of time in canon – not really be him. Instead, I tried to think about how he would feel when meeting various Pokemon, how he would interact with them, and what role they would play in each other’s lives, rather than simply looking for reflections of aspects of his personality.

In order of acquisition:

♂/ Illusion

Sylvain’s very first Pokemon and his other best friend, Zorua was gifted to him at a young age as a pet rather than a partner. The reality of it is that Miklan had been given his Larvitar to begin his training, but since Sylvain was somewhat spoiled and coddled, he had to be given a Pokemon too. To fit with family traditions, it also had to be a dark type, but since his parents were more concerned with giving him a cute little playmate than a Pokemon that would eventually become a powerful battler, they picked fluffy little Zorua.

Zorua would be ever present at Sylvain’s side, weaving between his feet as he’d run down the road to visit Felix, climbing up the furniture to give it enough height to leap up and then curl over Sylvain’s shoulders, laying over his arm while he reads and looking at the pages with him. He would often disguise itself as some of Miklan’s Pokemon and act in a ridiculous manner in an attempt to cheer Sylvain up when his brother’s bullying caused him to withdraw and hide in his room, curling up on his chest while his Trainer slept to keep a watchful eye on the door.

Much like Sylvain in canon, Zoroark is a master of illusion, masking its true self in favour of showing a different face. It’s also fiercely protective of its pack, tricking its opponents to ensure their safety. Zoroark considers Sylvain, and by extension, Felix and his team, as members of his pack. And while Sylvain doesn’t train as hard as his friend, Zoroark pushes himself to become ever stronger to defend them on their journey.

 ♀/ Bulletproof

Applin was also something of a pet for Sylvain initially, found during his childhood before setting out on his journey with Felix, Sylvain found her during a trip to Turffield with his parents. Out for a walk one day with his mother, they were picking apples to bring home with them, and, of course, he had to grab the biggest, shiniest red apple he could find. Imagine his surprise when, after returning home and deciding to indulge in the delicious looking fruit, something green poked out of it! Sylvain immediately ran to his mother, who laughed, ruffled his hair, and told him “that’s a little dragon Pokemon, sunshine.”

 Amazing.

Sylvain could wait to show his friends, charging down the road to the Fraldarius home, proclaiming in a voice full of wonder and awe “It’s a dragon, Felix!” His friend, understandably, didn’t believe him until Glenn told them all about it. Sylvain kept her, wanting to learn all he could about the tiniest dragon he’d ever heard of, amusing both himself and his new apple-like friend by gently rolling her back and forth on the table between his hands.

Miklan made fun of her, called her a ‘pathetic excuse for a dragon,’ but really, that only cemented Sylvain’s resolve to keep her.

This is one of my picks that isn’t attributed to Sylvain’s personality, and is entirely down to how his reaction would be to discovering a creature like Applin. There’s no way he wouldn’t be utterly delighted over its very existence. It’s a dragon. He can’t get over it.

♂/Overcoat

The first Pokemon Sylvain caught after he left home, at first, Sylvain wasn’t really sure what to think of Karrablast. He’s not really the biggest fan of bugs, they’re kind of creepy, and they’ll always remind him of the betrayal he felt when he learned that sweet little Joltik evolved into the terrifying monstrosity that is Galvantula. (Look, he just really does not like spiders.)

Still, he caught it anyway, mostly out of curiosity. It was kind of weird and kind of funny, and he wouldn’t mind learning a bit about it for a while before setting it free. As it turned out, Karrablast had a fierce competitive streak, often wanting to challenge Pokemon much bigger than himself. His sheer determination to prove himself is what caused it to eventually evolve (look, I know it’s a specific trade in game, but this is a far better narrative) and cemented himself in a permanent spot as one of Sylvain’s companions as it defended him and the others during a run-in with Miklan.

Escavalier also doesn’t at all mind using his lance as a makeshift skewer to help Sylvain cook their meals, so that’s a nice bonus.

This one is the only surface level pick for Sylvain’s team, he has to have the cavalier Pokemon. In a sense though, it does fit with Sylvain’s theming of subverting expectations. He doesn’t like bugs, Escavalier is a bug, he has one anyway.

 ♂/Rock head

Abandoned and all alone, Cubone joined Sylvain’s team mostly because of his bleeding heart. Who wouldn’t want to help such a sad looking creature? There was also, though he would never say it out loud, a sense of being a kindred spirit. Cubone had been horribly mistreated by his previous trained before being left behind, but despite it, Cubone still missed them.

Sylvain knew all too well how it feels to wish someone loved them back, especially in the face of such an impossibility. He initially took Cubone in to treat his wounds and keep him safe until they could find a sanctuary to leave him in. But as is natural when encountered with shared experiences, Sylvain grew attached, and Cubone came to slowly consider Sylvain as a safe person to be around, hiding behind his legs and sitting close to him around the campfire.

Through plenty of attention, love and patience, Cubone would grow from timid and tearful into a proud Marrowak as he slowly but surely tried to emulate the strength and confidence shown by Felix’s Corviknight.

 ♂/Defiant

We’re gunna do this one in reverse to the previous entries, where I talk about ooc reasoning first instead of the in-universe acquisition. Simply put, this started as an off-hand comment made not by me, nor by Rai, but by Rai’s muse. The story goes something like this.

 Rai: “Me: looks at Falinks.”

Rai: “My Felix muse: Oh, it’s Sylvain.”

We both laughed. Made jokes about the red plume. But then I thought about it a lot. Falinks is a soldier. Falinks is all about teamwork which lends to strategy which Sylvain is good at. The first individual that makes up the team that is Falinks is the only one that can be seen using its shields, ready to take the brunt of an attack for its teammates much like Sylvain. Falinks has the unique move No Retreat, which raises all of its stats but prevents it from fleeing, much like Sylvain charging into danger to help his friends with no regard to his own safety.

Wouldn’t you know it, Felix really does know Sylvain best.

As a reflection of this half-joking but actually on-point discovery, Sylvain encounters Falinks on the road and finds him to be utterly hilarious. Just look at the way it marches! It’s love at first sight, he’s just so charmed and he absolutely has to catch it.

While Zoroark might be Sylvain’s partner, slowly but surely, Falinks becomes his ace. Their ability to perform complex manoeuvres seamlessly with their unparalleled teamwork is a perfect compliment to Sylvain’s talents in tactical mind.

Falinks are also the only Pokemon on Sylvain’s team to have nicknames! Allow me to hand you over to the man himself to tell you them.

With a smile bright enough to light a Gym Stadium, Sylvain radiates joyful energy as he makes a small gesture to the six round little creatures at his feet. “Alright guys, form up!” In unison, the Falinks line up and stand at attention.

“Let me introduce you to the squad. Cufflinks!” The largest of the six steps forward, jumping up just an inch and waving one of his shield’s in a manner that could be considered a salute, “Hoodwinks!” The first steps back and the second takes his place, performing the exact same salute, “Tiddlywinks!” As does the third, “Slowblinks!” And the fourth, “Fourtywinks!” The fifth, “and Hotdrinks!” and finally the sixth.

As Hotdrinks takes his place back in line, Sylvain beams at him, and they all beam back.

 ♀/Flashfire

A rare sight in the Galar region, this Ponyta hails all the way from Kanto. Much like Cubone, she joins Sylvain’s team after he rescues her from mistreatment, but this time it was at the hands of those seeking to make some money from the black market due to her rarity.

Unlike Cubone, shy or timid are the last words that could ever be attributed to this Ponyta. With a spirit burning as hot as the fire of her mane, she was not broken by her confinement. She was, however, injured and malnourished. Due to her nature, she gave Sylvain no end of grief as he tried to nurse her back to health.

But while slow to trust, once that trust is earned, it’s unbreakable. Her evolution into Rapidash came as a display of her undying loyalty, even allowing Sylvain to ride upon her back without burning him. Unfortunately, that trust doesn’t extend to Felix. She holds an almost-respect for him, but as close to Sylvain as she grows, she doesn’t like how much of her Trainer’s attention he gives his best friend instead of her.

In any universe, Sylvain just isn’t Sylvain without a horse, he loves those big dumb yet loyal animals. There were plenty of options to choose from, but considering his story and goals in this universe, rescuing one seemed the best course, and a Kantonian Ponyta/Rapidash felt like the best candidate for the region his story takes place in.

Also, yes, she’s Chastity.

 Bonus!

I’m not going to go into the story details, but here’s Miklan’s team, also in order of acquisition:

♀/Unnerve

♂/Infiltrator

♂/Moxie

♀/Defiant

♀/Levitate

♂/Pickpocket

[shireness-says]

Echo

Summary: Sharing a heart has unexpected side effects - but maybe they can help say the things that need saying. A 4a heart-sharing AU, expanding upon a drabble by @welllpthisishappening. ~2.6K. Rated G. Also on AO3. 

~~~~~

A/N: Ok, so last week Laura wrote this snippet-y bit where Rumple crushed Killian’s heart so Emma gave him half of hers, and as it turns out, I have a LOT of thoughts about that. So, this is me running with it with her blessing. 

Super thanks to @snidgetsafan for fitting in beta duties between the end of the school year madness - you’re the best, babe. 

Without further ado, enjoy!

~~~~~

She doesn’t notice it right away, far too focused on the fact that Killian is able to hold her in his arms after being just a lifeless shell only moments before to process anything else. When she does notice, however, it’s impossible to ignore.

The thing is, she’s feeling too many things. Not in the usual way either, the way she’s treated her emotions for years where any feeling at all was one too many. No, these are emotions that shouldn’t be there in the first place. The enormous relief is foremost within her, but there’s hints of other things too - love and pride and confusion. Love isn’t that unusual - it’s something she’s been trying to ignore for longer than she’d care to admit - but the pride and confusion are out of place. She’s far too relieved to feel proud of herself right now even if that was in her nature, and she frankly has no reason to be confused. All of that mix of feelings somehow sits different within her too - more the impression of emotion than the actual thing. Like a shadow, maybe, or an echo. It’s almost like…

Oh.

Emma tenses as she realizes, and it sends a shadow-jolt of concern that’s not her own - concern for her - echoing through her veins. She probably should have realized something like this could happen when she gave Killian half of her own heart. Hell, she probably should have asked her parents about the side effects of their own heart-sharing once they’d remembered what her mom had done before the curse. In the moment though, there’d been no time to analyze and weigh all the pros and cons or consider every possible effect; there’d just been Killian, lying lifeless on the floor with his heart lying in ashes at his feet, and the deep conviction that he didn’t deserve that - that they didn’t deserve that, especially not when they’d both been starting to embrace the hope of their new relationship.

(She thinks that might have been part of the shock, too. Emma’s mother and father were always on the same page even before they shared a heart, the truest of True Loves with everything that came along with it. They probably barely even noticed the other’s feelings rattling around in their chests, already so attuned to each other’s every thought. Killian and her, though… well, until recently, Emma hadn’t even thought love was in the cards for her, let alone True Love . It’s only thanks to Killian that she’d started to believe the former; now, it’s only because of the success of their heart split that she’s forced to face the latter. They’d still been trying to learn about each other in the middle of all this insanity with the Snow Queen. (And, apparently, Rumplestilskin too; Emma only hopes Belle can get to the dagger before that demon can.) Their relationship had still been so young, if hopeful. It’s a new kind of pressure, knowing that their affection for one another - oh hell, why is Emma beating around the bush after all this, their love for each other - is pure enough to allow her to give him half her heart. It changes… everything , and as much comfort as Emma pulls from feeling exactly how much he feels for her, it’s a little terrifying to have her future presented so obviously.)

(Oh god, she hadn’t even stopped to think about the fact that this probably goes both ways, that he most likely can feel everything she does as well. Hopefully he’s able to feel everything beyond that burst of panic she couldn’t quite suppress and knows exactly how deeply she feels and how much she cares, even if she’s scared about what feeling this much means.)

(She thinks he might understand, though, the way that loving someone makes you vulnerable, makes you open to the deepest depths of pain alongside all the goodness to be found there too. After all, he’s lived through that hurt himself.)

“Emma?” he asks, reaching for her cheek in what is starting to become a familiar move. Even without the confusion and worry echoing in her chest, she’d be able to see it on his face in the furrowing of his eyebrows, the one she’s come to recognize even without the assistance of some True Love heart-splitting magic. “What’s wrong, love?” He doesn’t seem to have noticed the change himself, the way he has extra feelings not quite his own rattling around in his chest. Maybe it’s an awareness thing - her parents didn’t notice after the were returned to Storybrooke, after all, and they didn’t know either. Maybe the difference between her and Killian right now is that she knows that something should be different, had already halfway been watching for it.

(Maybe, too, their current emotions are so similar, just for different reasons - Emma panicking over everything their shared heart implies, and Killian over her own panicked reaction. What a pair they are, really, a couple of messed up idiots just trying to play it cool.)

“Nothing,” she tries to dismiss. “I’m fine.”

Usually, Killian would let it go, respecting her walls (no longer sky high, dismantling brick by brick with every affectionate touch and easy endearment, but still very much present), but today he pushes. Figures. “No, I don’t think you are,” he responds, stroking his thumb across the apple of her cheek. “Tell me, Emma. Let me help.”

She has three options in the face of his pleading: one, to continue to insist that nothing’s the matter (which she knows won’t work - an open book, he’d called her once, and she knows that still holds true, now more than ever); two, to spill it all, all her fears about embracing what seems to be a forever kind of love on the off chance that he doesn’t feel the same or won’t always feel the same (which is honestly kind of insane to even consider, like this man hasn’t conquered realms and time and given up his home for her, but it’s still a real and terrifying fear; or three, to get mad and focus on the danger he put himself in instead.

Obviously, she chooses the third. It’s easier that way.

“Don’t you ever do that to me again!” Emma hisses, shoving at Killian’s chest. His face quickly shifts from concern, over to shock, before settling into something that looks an awful lot like guilt. God, she dreads finding out how he got into this whole mess if it warrants that kind of look. “I’ve already had to deal with this with Henry, and with Graham… I told you I couldn’t lose you too!”

“I know, love.” She can feel traces of his shame trickling through her veins as Killian hangs his head. Maybe she feels a little bad about this dressing down, but now that Emma’s started this, she has some questions that need answering.

“How long?” she demands.

“How long… what?”

“How long was it missing? How long was Gold in charge? Were you the one that took me on that date, or was he already pulling the strings? What was it, your hand for your heart?”

“No, no, that was just us, I promise, love. He didn’t have anything to do with that night.” Killian rushes to get all that out, but she can still see in his eyes that it’s not the whole story. Her lie detector doesn’t pick up anything - there’s no lie in his words to find, she trusts him on that, but she still knows Killian, and knows when there are things he doesn’t want to say for fear of scaring her or hurting her. ‘Open book’ goes both ways, or something like that. It doesn’t hurt that she can feel the way his (her?) heart rate picks up and the new rush of shame that comes with it, either.

“But it did have something to do with your hand,” she guesses.

Killian nods in resignation. “Aye. Maybe not directly, but that’s where it started. I know I said it was a gift, that there was no deal, but that wasn’t exactly true.”

“Killian…” she groans at the revelation, but he just keeps going right past her.

“The deal was that I wouldn’t tell Belle that the dagger he’d given her was a fake, and he’d give me my hand in return. I shouldn’t have done it, especially since I wasn’t positive that hers was a fake, but it seemed risk free. My hand was just sitting there; I knew he could reattach it, and I knew he wouldn’t do it without proper motivation. But then the events of the rest of that night… I was the one who beat the thief, Scarlet. I was so angry about our interrupted date, and I just… gave into that. Afterwards, I became convinced it was the hand that was the problem - that it was trying to turn me into the man I used to be.” Emma scoffs at that, drawing a rueful grin from Killian. “Ridiculous, I know. But I was desperate. By that point the Crocodile had switched the fake dagger for the real one, so when I went back to coerce him into removing it, I didn’t have that leverage any more. But I couldn’t risk hurting you , or Henry, so when he said that he’d remove the hand again in return for a small favor, I took it.” He sighs heavily. “Little did I know that favor would be absorbing the Apprentice into that blasted hat.”

“Killian,” Emma tries again, softer this time. She understands he feels the need to confess, but it just seems to be hurting him more than anything. She knows Killian, and she knows Gold; for once in her life, Emma is confident that this whole idiocy with his hand only started with the best of intentions.

Still, he won’t let her say anything. “After that, it was just a spiral I couldn’t get out of. Gold kept holding it over my head. I knew if you found out, you’d hate me for lying to you, and it would all be over between us. I finally worked up the courage when your magic went haywire and you were about to let the Crocodile suck you into the hat, but he got there first and deleted the speaking message I left you on your talking phone explaining everything. Thank the gods Elsa was able to talk you out of it. In the meantime, however…”

“He took your heart,” Emma finishes.

“Aye.”  Even without the dejected look gracing his face, Emma can feel the fear and sadness coming from him.

“None of this is your fault,” she assures him - maybe prematurely, since he hasn’t said anything, but she knows he’s thinking it all the same. It’s the little things like this that makes the success of their heart split make sense - the way they know each other better than anyone else, with or without declarations. It makes the panic recede just a little bit, even if she is still worried about how he’ll react when he finds out. “But I don’t get it - why ? Why would you make a deal with Gold, and for your hand of all things?” It just doesn’t make sense to her. He’s lived 300 years without the limb and been happy to avoid Gold since their Neverland detente; it doesn’t make sense that he’d do anything to change that.

Killian mutters something, too low for Emma to understand - a real first from her walking dictionary. “What was that?”

He sighs. “I just wanted to be a better man for you, love,” he replies quietly, still avoiding her eyes. “You deserve a lot more than some old run-down pirate. I can’t even hold you with both hands. Even when I was asking I knew that having my hand back wouldn’t make me the man you deserve, but it was a start.”

Emma stares at him with horror creeping up within her - her own horror. “Did I make you feel like that?” The words are barely a whisper when she manages to force them out. “Did I do that?”

Another rush of horror rushes through her, this time from Killian as his eyes pull wide and panicked to match. “Oh no, love, of course not, I just worry —”

“Because let me clarify now,” she interrupts. “I don’t care. I can’t tell you how little I care about the fact you’ve only got one hand. That’s so - that’s so stupid ! You are a good man , and I’ve never wanted you to be anything but exactly who you are.” It’s true; even in the beginning, when Emma didn’t quite know what to think of the flirtatious pirate, she’d been intrigued, one hand and shady past and all.

“I know that you think that now, love, but what if —” Killian tries to protest, but Emma isn’t having it.

“No! That’s not going to change!” Abruptly, she shoves at his chest. “Do you feel that?”

Killian pulls his brows together in confusion. “Do I feel you shoving at my chest?”

“Don’t get smart with me,” Emma warns. Not that she thinks that’s what he was trying to do in the first place, but she’s a little too on edge about everything to care. Score one for communication or something. “You’re feeling some frustration, right? But don’t know why? And it doesn’t really feel like a real feeling, more like a muted version.”

“Aye, but how do you know that?”

“Because you know how you’re still here, even after Gold crushed your heart? I split mine and gave you half. I’ve been feeling your emotions ever since you woke up, and it sounds like that works both ways.”

“Oh, Emma, you shouldn’t have done that,” he tries to protest. Emma hopes he can feel just how deep that stabs her soul.

“How can you say that?” she cries. “You were dead ! He killed you! I took a chance, and maybe it was dangerous, but I wasn’t willing for it to end like this. And it worked! You know what that means?” Killian shakes his head. “That we’re True Love . So don’t try to tell me that it wasn’t worth it, not when I almost lost that - lost you .”

They sit in silence for a few moments as Emma lets him process. It’s an awful lot to take in, she knows, but she can feel every bit of the awe that’s spreading through his body echoing in her own.

“You love me,” he finally says. It’s not a question; Emma assumes he can feel that glowing within her just as easily as she can feel his own love for her, a diffuse warmth that feels somewhere between a cozy blanket wrapped around her and the sun shining down on her skin.

“I do.”

Killian practically beams at the words, reaching to pull Emma close against his body. “I love you too,” he returns, almost giddy to finally say it.

“I know,” she laughs. “I can feel it.”

There’s nothing else to really say after that, but that’s alright - there’s other ways to say everything without words. The kiss they share is gentle, but thorough, passionate in its own way - lips just brushing over each other before the kiss deepens, allowing tongues to tangle as hands wander and bodies melt further into one another. When they finally separate, Emma finds her hands resting on Killian’s chest, right above where his half of their heart beats strongly beneath his ribs.

“Promise me you won’t ever do anything like that again,” she repeats, “because I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“I promise, love,” he swears. “I’ve got your heart to protect, after all.”

She doesn’t even need the shared organ to know that he means every word.

[kimminstudying]

Note: I’m pretty sure I made this list last summer and since school finally over I figured I would reflect on these and see how well I did and how I could improve. Linked below is the original post that has all of the goals I will be talking about, but since I write them down here I’m sure you don’t need to read it to understand what I am talking about, but I put it there just in case. This is just a review of my goals from last year, I will create a separate post for my new goals for this summer and next year. 

The Original Post

⊳ Money

Goal #1: Work towards saving more of your paychecks ✓

I did a good job of saving money, but I went back and forth as time went on. During the summer I would spend money at work during my breaks but I was making way more than I am currently during the school year. I would still spend money like I was when I was making more, but when I learned that I got better at budgeting my cash. 

Now that I have a car and have a monthly bill for it as well as gas, I am getting better at saving the money I need for the said bill. 

I plan on moving out within the year so I need to save up as much as I possibly can. I am moving out with two of my best friends, if all goes as planned, we will be splitting rent and bills between the three of us. 

Goal #2: Put half of checking into a savings account on payday ✖ I did this for a while, but then I saw that it wasn’t really helping me as much as I thought it would. I would end up having like $6 in my checking account before payday comes so I didn’t see a point in just transferring $3 when I was going to get more of it, so what I did was estimate how much money I would need for the week and then put the rest in savings. If I knew I was going out or had bills to pay during that week, I would leave that money in the account. This proved to work way better for me than what I had originally planned to do. 

What I ended up doing was creating a separate savings account for my new house/apartment so I had an emergency account and a moving out account. I would only use my emergency account for things like bills, unpredicted expenses, or big purchases such as a new laptop for school and blogging. But I keep it at $500, just in case I needed it. Right now it’s at like $450 since I needed to pay my car bill and I didn’t work much this week, but what I do is I rebuild it as fast as possible and hopefully, I do not need to take more money out of it.

When I am rebuilding my emergency fund, not as much or no money goes into my “moving out” account, so I am more motivated to save money so I can get both accounts back in order. I am going back to my old job this summer, since it is seasonal work, and I know I am going to be working close to 40 hours a week since I will be 18 they would work me as much as possible, which I like since it’s a job I love with wonderful coworkers. Not to mention we get so many gift cards it’s not even funny. We all love free money. 

*Update: My family has encouraged me to stay home while I am studying at a college that I am commuting to. My father said he won’t charge me rent as long as he can afford to keep me at home and even if he does it won’t be more than $100 a month which he and I agreed on for a price. That account is now for saving up for a new car. 

Goal #3: Have a spending limit when going out ✓

This goes along with what I was saying before about leaving money in my checking account if I have plans to spend it. I like planning my week out and so I tell my friends if they want to make plans they need to do it a few days in advance so I can see if I don’t have work or scheduled time to study, since I am the “nerd” if my group, all of my friends respect how I plan things. 

They also respect when I tell them I don’t have money to go out. Sometimes I’d rather save my money than use it on movie tickets, of course with the occasional splurge here and there on a new pair of shoes or a delicious dinner. When times get like that, we all agree to do something else that is either really cheap or free, such as having a sleepover or going to the park. 

Goal #4: Establish an “okay amount” to spend daily on coffee, breakfast, etc. ✖

I also did this for a little while, putting away $15 every check to get coffee in the morning before school. Since saving money is a learning experience, I’m messing up now rather than ten or twenty years from now. Doing this put be at risk for developing bad spending habits, $3-$4 a day adds up way faster than you think, the next thing you know you’re spending over $50 in a month for morning coffee runs. Now I’m not saying I never go to buy food and coffee before or after school, sometimes it’s great to treat yourself by doing so. Typically, I buy creamers and coffee grounds to make at home and sometimes I’ll buy a bundle of bananas to last me the week. I saw that not only did it save me money, it also saved me about a half hour in the morning. Meaning a half hour more of sleep. 

While my coffee brews I walk my dog for a few minutes so she can go to the bathroom before everyone else in the house wakes up, and I start my car so it can run a bit before I leave. This is especially good since where I live the weather is unpredictable and it can frost over my windows at any time. If I catch this early enough I can defrost my windows before I go to school.

For about a month I would do something called “Fuck it Friday” where I bought coffee, snacks, whatever I wanted since I get paid every Friday. I saw that when I did this, I would just end up spending the amount I typically would in a whole week in one day, so I quickly stopped doing that and I plan on going back to making coffee at home. Goal #5: Add spare change to change dispenser in car ✖

I don’t use cash that often, which means I don’t really get change, but when I do have some lying around, it normally goes right into a bank I have in my room. When I have change in my car, I do tend to put it into the dispenser but then I’ll sometimes use it to give to the people asking for spare change or to buy a piece of candy at the store.

⊳ Languages

Goal #1: Take review notes of language material learned over the summer ✓

I did a really good job over the summer with posting a lot here, at least in my opinion, but when the school year started I posted a little less. In my first semester, I had a bit more time to post multiple times a week for multiple blogs, but when the second semester hit I began to prioritize my schooling over languages and blogs. I started to post at least once a week, but I noticed my language learning for Korean and Italian has gone down a lot because of it.

I take French in school so I practice it every day, and there are so many French posts I have drafted I’m in love. During the summer I worked more on Italian and Korean since my French was already way way way better, and I knew I would be taking it as a class during the school year.  Goal #2: Listen to podcasts in the halls instead of music ✖

I really was going to do this, but right as summer ended I lost my apple headphones and I was not going to spend thirty dollars or so to get new ones, so I just didn’t have podcasts. I have my old phone, which is a Samsung, for music so I just used that with regular headphones.

Even when I got apple headphones from my dad’s fiancee, I still didn’t really listen to podcasts. I think it’s because I don’t want to start a new one or a new audio lesson if I am just walking three minutes to my next class. When I go back to my old job, however, that’ll change. It’s part of a program with my school for getting students into the workforce, so there is a bus that provides us with transport. I have a 45-minute ride there and an over 2-hour long ride back. No excuses to not listen to a podcast or two!

Goal #3: Mondly/Duolingo and Lingodeer during breakfast/as a part of your morning routine ✖

I used to be really good at doing these daily, but then I lost motivation. Even before I would never have a long streak, but I would just try to do it as often as possible to make up for it. There was a time where I didn’t even look at these apps for over a month, but I didn’t notice much of a change in my language comprehension. But I want to get back into it since I don’t have a lot of time now to sit down and do a couple of grammar lessons.  Goal #4: Post weekly to studyblr/langblr for Italian and Korean review notes of what you studied over the summer. ✓

Again, I feel like I did a better job with this during the summer and my first semester of this year. I have several vocab lists saved just in case I don’t feel like studying but I need to do my weekly post. There are some times when I’ll be really motivated for no reason and just make like twelve vocab lists and I draft them for future use.

⊳ Health/Lifestyle

Goal # 1: Wake up at 6am ✓

Waking up early does not equal productivity, I learned that the hard way. I wake up that early for school, but during the weekends or on breaks I wake up normally at 8-9am if I don’t have to work that morning, which I rarely do since I work the night shift (typically around 1-12am I work). 

Goal # 2: Go to bed at 10pm - 11pm ✖

If I am not working I go to bed at around 11pm at the latest, but there are some nights I get home at around 11:30 so I don’t sleep until 1-2am. This is usually weekends so I don’t have an issue since in my state it’s illegal to work minors after 10pm on a school night and 11pm on a weekend. 

But now that I’m 18 and it’s summer, I can anticipate a lot of overnight shifts or longer hours! I’m not complaining, I’d rather work at night than in the daytime anyway. 

Goal # 3: 5-minute workouts or 10-minute abs in the morning and evening or after school  ✖ Hahaha, I never did this. I’m never gonna do this.   Goal # 4: Floss more ✖ Not happening either, that’s too much man. It’s not that big in my life to floss, even if my dentist tells me to do it more. I have no cavities, no gum issues, so I’m good. Goal # 5: Take your medicines daily ✓ This I’ll admit, I need to do more. Sometimes I’ll go a few days without my meds, but it’s not important that I take them daily, since they are “as needed” medicines. I should take them at least every other day, but I am getting better at that.  Goal # 6: Morning and Nightly Skin Care Routine ✓ I started off slow by only doing my routine in the morning and then occasionally going a nightly routine. My skin is really sensitive so this worked for me, putting on too much product would either make my skin too dry or too oily. If the weather is affecting my skin, I’ll add on an extra moisturizer if need be. 

Basically, I only do a night time routine when I get home from work or school late and my face feels really gross. Since I shower at night I wash my face with a gentle cleanser in the shower. That’s usually it. 

Goal # 7: Face mask while you study ✓   Doing facemasks too often also negatively affects my skin as well. I normally do one when I’m with my friends or when my skin really needs it. 

Goal # 8: Drink more water ✖

Again, I need to do this way more often than I do. I think this is mainly because the water fountains at my school are utterly disgusting. I don’t know if it’s because our school is under construction, but it’s always been gross if I remember correctly. 

⊳ School

Goal #1: SAT Fee Waiver ✓ 

THIS SAVES LIVES. At my school, if you have free or reduced lunch, you get fee waivers for all sorts of things. AP Exams, Applications, even SAT Exams. You only get two for the SAT so you need to use them wisely. Most students don’t even know that their school offers fee waivers that either cover costs completely or reduce the fee. Make sure you ask, it doesn’t do any harm!

Goal #2: October SAT  ✓

I took the October SAT and got a 1050, which is way over than what the school I wish to go to is asking for. Then I retook the exam in June since I had one more waiver left, and I got a 1080. Now the college I want to go to has a 960 SAT Average and I needed at least a 500 on the Math and English portions to be exempt from the entrance exams.

Goal #3: Research application deadlines ✓ My school was a big help with this, especially since I’m starting at community college for my first two years. I’m accepted as a student and have already selected my classes, but there were some issues with my FASFA that I still need to resolve.  Goal #4: Check scholarship board ✓ My school was also a big help with this as well, they print out all the available scholarships for that month, the criteria, AND the due dates! All I had to do was complete the applications, no fishing for free money. 

Goal #5: Study at least 15 minutes a day ✓

I was strong with this with my first semester classes, since I enjoyed the work and had daily tasks I needed to do for one of the classes. When the second semester came, things changed. Most of my classes are easy, no homework and very little classwork that I got done early. All but AP Calc. 

The way my teacher is, he doesn’t grade the problem sets he assigns. He’ll give us class participation points if we are working in class, but the problems are mainly for our own benefit. I don’t let myself not do the problems just because I won’t get a grade I’m struggling in that class now and I do all that I can to bring my grade up, but it’s not really doing much. If this is the only class I fail, then I’m glad it's AP Calculus AB and not English or something. I don’t need calc to graduate or to still obtain scholarships, it was an extra class I regret taking. 

⊳ Misc.

Goal #1: Watch more Netflix when stressed ✓ I found that I’m not much of a TV or Show person unless it’s a really good show that I get hooked on. I’d much rather destress by having time to myself and browsing social media for hours.  Goal #2: Take your time with everything ✓ This allowed me to get better with time management, taking things slow, thinking carefully, and making myself okay with the idea of rescheduling plans. Goal #3: Think before you speak/act ✓ Doing this made me do things I was glad I did and knew I would never do if I hadn’t thought it out. I became the friend who would do and say the things everyone else was afraid of.  Goal #4: Try listening to others about their day ✓ This kind of went along with the goals #2 and #3 but this also worked out for me and I feel it made me somewhat of a better person??? Yea, just listen to people when they talk to you and ask them questions. Let them know you care about them, you don’t know how much it could raise their spirits.  Goal #5: Attend Coalition meeting (every third Friday) ✖ As much as I wanted to, I could not attend meetings. I didn’t have an adult representative from my school to escort me and possibly other students, therefore I could not attend meetings. 

~brianna

[tifu-today-i-fucked-up]

TIFU: I have officially branded myself as the biggest perv... and I 100% deserve it...

This happened an hour ago, and I’m still shaking in fear about how my life will now become from now on....

There’s 2 “situations” that leads to the conclusion of the FU.

First situation:

Asked sister-in-law to borrow her 360 pocket camera for a trip wife and I are soon vacationing to.

Found out the memory card still had content.

Her husband travels a lot, and she made a 1-hour POV style 360 “porn” video, assuming sent to him a while back.

I’ve had the hots for her for the past 8+ years. Before she got married and I have, there were several times sexual tensions arose between the two of us. Living together for a year as strictly roommates, movies, dinners, getting drunk while watching movies just the two of us, breakfasts, etc.

A certain trust (or test?) was implemented and nothing ever happened between the two of us, as at the time I was dating my now wife which was working at a distance. But damn it at the time if she just had touched my hand once back then, I think I would have lived a whole different life.

So finding this video... I thought I struck gold, I could have what I’ve always fantasized about, “gifting my past self”, while living my happy current life.

Second accident:

I have an automated house that lights up the house with geolocation. Before the app worked with Apple HomeKit, a third party app needed to be downloaded which tracks your family and friends. Free version only allows you to add 1 person, so my wife.

Wife and I have had this app for 3 years now even if it’s useless now after an app update a couple years back on the original app. We never deleted it since it was so useful for tracking each other using notifications. I get a notification when she’s at work and when I arrive at work, we also both get notifications when one arrives home. Good for times where she does groceries for example and I get a notification to prompt me to go out and help her out. Or when I work late and finally leave the office prompting her to set-up the dinning table.

Last night she fell asleep without charging her phone. I hate when she does that, today she goes to work with barely any battery, what if she needs to call the police or hospital for an emergency?

I have the day off today, today was the day I’d do the “deed”. I don’t only go with simple 360 video.... but literally set it up on my VR headset in bed with AirPods on. The whole experience.

This would have lasted me tops 5 mins.

But the “foreplay” she does, is long and boring. Then the action starts and I go on.

Wife’s phone didn’t give a notification as she arrived, because of her now dead phone.

She comes to the bedroom to see me master bating in bed with VR goggles on.

She knows I masterbate occasionally but never saw me do it, I sneak it in here and there.

But VR porn was never “discussed” as an “is it cheating if....” thing. You know the convo I’m talking about, “is it cheating if you have a sex doll”, “is it cheating if it’s a robot”, “is it cheating if you put a pleasure toy on and someone from across the Internet strokes you in real time”, etc...

It was the type of convo we’d have at the very start of our relationship when we were still friends 10 years ago, to see how far one could take it. Weird I know, but let’s say it was one of these pre-game convos to see if we’re on the same page before things started getting serious. Pre-game convos were not only about sex by the way.

Anyways, VR wasn’t a “thing” back then so was never discussed. So I never knew if it was “right” or “wrong” for me to do so. I guess it was “wrong” since she rushed in and ripped the goggles from my face. That’s when I see her in the room.

“The fuck??” she says.

Then she looks inside.

“Is that my sister?!?!”

I’m fucked.

She still had her shoes on from arriving. So she just grabbed her bag WITH the VR headset and left the house.

Seeing from the tracking app... she’s at her parents house.... which are neighbours of the sister-in-law.

I’m fucked.

TL;DR: Masterbated in VR with sister-in-law’s 360 porn video, got caught in the act, now feeling out of body experience and don’t know what’s going to happen.

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