#apparently im a bad person. but they are wonderful--- LOL (Jk on my part)

[longinglook]

Hi Anna. First of all let me say that your post was brave to tell your opinion and a part of you. the other anon clearly didnt care abt what you had to say apparently - - ' [ im not english ther will be mistake sry ] Anyways i wanted to share My opinion too if thats ok. I agree completely that internalized homophobia (isnt) shouldnt be a trope, but sadly for me some or most bl shows "use it" a lot and in a "bad way". at least it used to be a loooot like that. like EVERYTIME a guy start to have

[2 / 4 . feeling for anothr, he uses violence! they all do! im so sick of it! people have so many layers and just punching someone for two episode and then getting with him for me thats not it… So i gues thats why some people are “fed up” abt this éstoryline’ its bc sadly its always done the same way. And on my part, I relate much much more to Tine (at laest at where we r now on the show). Bc for ones I feel like Im reliving the same emotions as him.]

[¾ . And its not happening right off the bat, its sllloowly and confusing and lots of interogation and curiosity. Bc yes bls are…what they are. *usually “StRaiGHtss” who suddenly fall for other guy, and all his friends too psshhhh. But with Tine (or 2gether) I feel its defferent. like i really see the process and its just just…wonderful?how it feels so reel bc i get it? bc he is the only one that doesnt beat himself up/disgusted. So i like this progress(???) in this bl bc it shows finally]

[4/4 . an OTHER WAY to deal w/ discovering urself. lol for me it took 7years to accept/understand that im not straight and my mom beeing a homophobe didnt help lol buttt… i still see myself. Take care of you. and if its not yet the case i really hope one day youll be proude of who you arethats why i didnt like bls at all. or ig just thai ones i guess? bc i watch other queer shows and i find them fine.] yes, straight people sometimes do really ruine things dont they xD (lol jk no offence)]

Hello!! Thank you for sharing your opinion with me! 

I am also 100% against shows going the “violence” route as a response to confusion and internalized homophobia because it just makes no sense and it’s not fair that the two things get linked as if abuse would be a normal reaction to it. If you are confused about your feelings/sexuality and decide to take it out on someone with violence, that’s a big no no. Sadly some dramas have done that and it has always bothered me so much because it feels way too over the top and unrealistic. It’s a huge step from feeling grossed out with youself for being attracted to same sex people to deciding to beat someone up for it, one that most people wouldn’t make because normal decent humans don’t go around hurting people like that.

One point that I really wanted to make is that having and feeling internalized homophobia doesn’t make you a bad person. For example, Tine being so open and accepting of himself doesn’t make him any better than a character that would need some time to sort out his emotions and be okay with them. It’s not the same thing as being homophobic, which would entail being prejudiced and closed minded. As I said before, if the confused character decides to get violent with it then yeah he’s an asshole, but being confident and calm about your sexuality just makes you luckier than someone who isn’t, not better.

It is nice and refreshing to watch Tine slowly come to the realization that he likes Sarawat, he feels jealous when he’s surrounded by girls, he likes his company and he’s used to his flirting and welcomes it at this point. It’s nice that we haven’t seen him panic, he hasn’t needed any advice or consultation, he’s acting the way he would if he had found out he had feelings for a girl. I do like this because it makes the show feel lighter and more positive, and so far it’s not overdone to the point of being unrealistic. If all of his friends end up with boyfriends by the end of it I will be a bit annoyed though lmao. For example I think theory of love did a great job with balancing out the straight/gay relationships. I’m not saying I want a straight relationship in every show because that’s boring and unnecessary and if I wanted straight rep I’d watch literally any other show, but they just don’t need to make every single male character gay by the end of the show. Also give us lesbians I am begging you please

My experience with internalized homophobia is specific to being a lesbian, I identified as bi for a really long time and was completely fine with it, but would get extremely annoyed and defensive if someone questioned my attraction to males. I had to work a lot on it to realize that I have tons of internalized lesbophobia to the point where I can’t say I am a lesbian out loud (I’ve come out to a lot of my friends but I was never able to say it, I would have to use words like “I like girls” because the l word still makes me feel nauseous). All of this to say that I’ve known I’m not straight for over 10 years and yet I still can’t get past some stuff, and I’m tired of people acting like it makes me worse than people that are completely chill with it right off the bat. 

I hope this was clear enough and didn’t offend anyone 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

i have so many theories!!! theyre all screaming at me!!! i must write out them all!!!!! 

so here’s one that’s been knocking around my head since finals week began:

the Writing 3 Playlist on Spotify 

I think this bad boy is a hint at the game’s timeline

maybe not 100% explanatory, but I think we can guess certain parts of the game through this

and i just wanna tell y’all now, almost all of this is speculation, as honestly im 90% sure the playlist was created bc it had borderlands-y songs in it (although the last few have me scratching my head)

lemme explain why im writing this, though I’m very thirsty for lore

tl;dr: game goes like this: lilith powers stolen. go to promethea, go to jungle, find brick mordy and tina, get into a fight, lose fight, go find other VHs, get into another fight, Krieg shows up to save Maya, maya die. (oh no she ded), the twins have their we are GODS moment, the VHs get summoned to the Eridian homeworld, there’s a huge ass final battle, someone attempts to create an end-of-the-world scenario

so the playlist itself was created to help one of the authors of the game get into their borderlands jam 

it starts with a Cage the Elephant song, “Trouble”, the band of which we all know wrote the first song used in BL1. Not really much else to say here, but we do know the opening cutscene of the game involves our current team of Vault Hunters being attacked by the Children of the Vault. this is, of course, not indicative of any songs used in bl3, but we can assume it captures the general feeling of the game.

Second song: “Fire” by Barns Courtney (holy shit I love this guy so fucking much!! if you’ve never listened to his music, PLEASE do so! I really recommend “Rather Die”- I am in the process of making a bl3 animatic to it actually lmao). 

So anyway, I’m just sayin’, the lyrics of this song...

“Oh, a thousand faces staring at me Thousand times I've fallen Thousand voices dead at my feet Now I'm gone... And my mother told me son let it be Sold my soul to the calling Sold my soul to a sweet melody Now I'm gone... Oh gimme that fire ...”

Honestly, I would not be surprised if this song was about Lilith’s loss of her powers. I mean, she used to call herself the Firehawk because she burned the shit outta bandits. c’monnn.

The man, the myth, the legend himself even says that "[The song is] quite defiant as well, like this cannot be how it ends, it cannot be my situation."

Mooooving on

“Majesty” by Apashe and Wasiu

holy fuck i love this song so much. and its so very obviously about the Calypso Twins- at the very least its Tyreen.

“All the stars and galaxies address me as your majesty So better say your majesty, I might react erratically Throw you in a fire, purify you I'm the sire, my empire's on the rise You better find yourself a place to hide Your place to find, but say it twice My name divine, I'm aimin' high Don't look in my face or eyes Take a bow and save your life Glory to the emperor, my temperature is risin' Always hot, it's getting violent”

I mean come on if its not when we meet the twins for the first time after they steal lily’s powers, then its definitely when they do something absolutely badass and really show us why they’re revered as gods. Possibly related to the Holy Broadcasting Center?

“The Way I Do” by Bishopp Briggs 

this one honestly had got me stumped as to its purpose, i lowkey kinda think its getting Sanctuary 3 up and running (and possibly meeting Maya for the first time- still not sure about that). I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a whole thing for Scooter and this song fits pretty well. I imagine we also meet Vaughn and the Children at some point, so maybe here?

“Greeting the Menace” by Zack Hemsey 

yeah i uhhhh dunno. This sounds like a song about a dude getting tortured which scares me a bit lmao. 

I thought maybe this song and the next 2 could be VH-based songs, as the next 2 have no lyrics whatsoever and the third is called “Best Friends”, but who knows... If this is the case I could make the argument this is about Zane or Moze, leaning towards Zane cuz he’s pretty covered up, plus I think “Best Friends” would be more Moze’s style lmao

I could also see this being a song about Troy... could explain all the ‘body mods’ and the missing arm.

“ProtoVision” by Kavinsky

If we’re going with the idea that these next few songs are about the Vault Hunters, then I imagine this would be Fl4k’s. It’s got that synth and some guitar which I think fits perfectly with his robo-hobo aesthetic lol

Other than that, I truly have no idea what part of the story this song could reference since there aren’t any lyrics. Maybe Promethea’s city? I could kinda see it, it sounds pretty high-tech

Similarly, “diatribe.” by Oliver Michael

the beginning gives me a whole meditation vibe which I kinda associate with Amara and her phasecast skill which “sends out an astral projection” of herself. 

Then again, this could be the outskirts of the Promethean city... I could see myself wandering around the huge ass foliage and discovering an abandoned research base to this song idk

“Best Friends” by grandson

aaahh i love grandson. I think this could be a Moze-based song. I just get that vibe from her leather jacket... anyway

I also could totally see this as discovering Brick, Mordecai, and Tina in the research base (if that truly is where they are). Cause we saw them in the trailer hanging out there. 

tbh the lyrics themselves kinda remind me of pre-Tales Rhys and Fiona and all their friends

“All of my best friends Like to go and get fucked up Then they talk about all the lives they never got to live Oh, they're still waiting for some sort of invitation It's never coming along, oh no, you'll get just what you give”

but idk if that’s what its meant for

“Bap U” by Party Favor

hmm another ‘lyricless’ song. not really lyric-less but uhhh the lyrics are pretty nonsensical lol

I could see there being a fight scene with Brick Tina and Mordy as AIs helping out here, maybe exploring the abandoned research base?

“Not Human” by elegant slims 

oh you know what im going to say here hahaha

monster troy p l e a s e

i wouldn’t be surprised if Tyreen started accumulating more powers here, like perhaps the previous fight scene was over the Vault on Promethea and the twins were able to access it before us? and Tyreen gives the Vault Monster the succ

“Crack in the seams You're breaking through The animal inside of you You're not human anymore... Your eyes go black electric blue The animal inside of you Life on a string Watch it swing Hide your teeth”

and one (or both) of the twins start going feral lol

“Way Down We Go” by KALEO

one (1) fear and that’s that someone dies during the scene that corresponds to this song

hopefully its just the boys being depressed over a loss instead of a victory, but oof

anyway, you know what they say: “sometimes you gotta fall before you make it big” ;) thats a typhon deleon quote

“I’m a Wanted Man” by Royal Deluxe

I want to believe these next few songs are us recruiting the rest of the Vault Hunters not seen yet

I kinda associate this one with Axton since his whole History with DAHL, but who knows! It could be Gaige, too. or Maya since she looks like she’s being incredibly gay criminal on the Maliwan Monastery planet. Maybe both Axton and Gaige? I would love that

“The Devil You Know” by X Ambassadors 

Could also be Axton! I lowkey think its Salvador or Timothy Lawrence. The reason I think its Timothy is cuz the whole song gives me huge Handsome Jack vibes, but it could also be Sal cuz I totally imagine him becoming a bounty hunter to fund his gun addiction lmao

“00000 Million” by Ella Vos

this one also gives off Maya vibes imo. I wouldn’t be surprised if this one is about her and the introduction of Little Blue. I could also see Athena and Janey here, just living their lives out in a cottage somewhere. awww

“Jungle” by Tash Sultana

Ahh a love song [pukes] Hopefully this one is about Athena and Janey, cuz there is a depressing lack of both of them in all the trailers we’ve seen! It sounds lowkey sad, though. I hope nothing happened to them D:

“Don’t Wait Up” by Dustbowl Revival

this one gives me very big Fiona and Sasha vibes. 

Of course, there’s also the fact that the song is about a dad, and we still don’t know who the heck “the Father” is on all those Calypsos posters. We also dunno who in the heck “Mother” is, either. Sounds like Father left the cult, though, oof, and Mother stuck around. Wonder what that’s all about, maybe he felt like the twins were working fast/efficient enough and left to do things himself? Very lost on this idea tbh. the song seems very out of place, but it has to connect to something, yknow?

“Dies Irae” by Apashe and Black Prez

For those of you who don’t speak fluent Latin (the fuck guys?? lmao jk), the title means "Day of Wrath". Nice, nice, nice. 

the lyrics, you might be asking:

“'Cause I'ma beast. Where you at? I've been unleashed. Whatchu doin'? Sink my teeth. Y'all can't fathom I'ma beast”

me: [vibrating in my seat] monster twins monster twins monster twins monster twins

at the very least this is definitely a fight scene here. Probably with the twins again (hopefully). Maybe they found some way to imbue the cultists with fucked up powers and are sending them against the VHs as giant demon things and as we fight through the temple (apparently with some Guardians) we realize the final one is Troy and/or Tyreen?

I like to imagine this is where Maya gets her powers stolen, if only because the next few songs... I think she’s around because she’s now the only person with Siren powers on the side of the Crimson Raiders, so they might need her help with the Vault in some way

“RAMPAGE” by GRAVEDGR

y’all wonder why I seemingly forgot about Krieg in the above songs? Well, this is why. 

The only lyric for this entire song is “Bitch, I'm on a rampage- mask on my damn face”

I mean come on, Krieg with his psycho mask on, the fact his action skill is literally called “Buzz Axe Rampage”, the fact he loves Maya as shown in his introductory trailer... it’d be so perfect. And I bet badass psycho Krieg would be the only thing able to beat back whatever’s attacking at the moment. I’m just imagining him smashing down a wall and going apeshit

“Black Out Days” by Phantograms

Another song I think is about Krieg and Maya. I don’t think Maya does too hot in this game, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if she gets the Roland treatment if you know what I’m saying. I wonder if this causes Krieg to devolve back into insanity cause the whole song seems to focus around that. I hope not D:

“Hide the sun I will leave your face out of my mind You should save your eyes A thousand voices howling in my head Speak in tongues I don't even recognize your face Mirror on the wall Tell me all the ways to stay away”

To be honest I could also see it being that Maya gets her powers stolen and thoughtlock-ed by the twins to fight on their side (as she’s seen fighting with the big demon elemental things), and maybe we have to kill her or hurt her in some way to get her to stop attacking us. God I hope not.

Let’s hope this is someway about the twins and definitely not about our favorite Siren and/or Psycho

“The Finishing” by Stavroz

oof i think somebody dies... If its not Maya, my best guess is Krieg or Lilith. Maybe Mordecai or Brick? Oh I hope not, I love both of them way too much for it to be healthy. But, hey, at least Tina learned some coping mechanisms :(

“Intro” and “Apocalypse Please” by Muse

merged these into 1 because Intro is like 15 seconds long and is literally the introduction to Apocalypse Please. 

Definitely reaching the end of the game here... 

“And it's time we saw a miracle Come on, it's time for something biblical To pull us through And pull us through And this is the end This is the end Of the world Proclaim eternal victory Come on and change the cause of history And pull us through”

I think the twins (or whoever may have become the main villain- perhaps the Eridians?) have claimed victory/gotten the ultimate power in one way or another, and/or this is the Crimson Raiders getting themselves ready for a final stand-off with the big bad evil guy. 

I would really love if there’s a scene right at the end of this where the Twins have their huge “BOW TO ME” moment and then they just get COMPLETELY obliterated by a new villain. Just absolutely decimated.

New villain, like if they opened a Vault and whatever was being imprisoned there just wipes the floor with them (something like the Destroyer, if not the Destroyer itself), or fuck shit maybe even Tannis? or the Eridians looking for help in the war. or the Eridians bringing war. Who knows!

Again, could just be the Twins having gotten their hands on the end-game material, like realizing they can turn troy into big demon fuck (no i am not letting this one go) and we are kinda fucked now.

“Free Animal” by Foreign Air

I... have no idea lol

maybe Krieg getting rescued, maybe (one of?) the twins getting recruited by the Raiders for the final fight? It could fit into the ‘Beast’ imagery. Fuck, maybe even rescuing/finding Typhon or something? Idk, im kinda in the party that Typhon is going to be coming back some way or another lol, I’d love to meet the guy

“Dreams” by ZHU and Nero

This definitely sounds like a new BBEG has just been introduced or the big bads just entered the final phase of their plan, like the Crimson Raiders just learned about something life-changing and this is their “oh shit” moment

i wanna believe that the Eridians or another alien race (like the Seraphs!) are going to come in at the ‘end’ of the game and the Watcher is gonna be like “bitch did you really think I thought these dumbass ECHOnet streamers were the epitome of War??” I imagine we’d be on the side of the Eridians here, since y’know, the Watcher came to us for help.

Of course, the twins could still be the BBEG and have gotten their hands on that universe-destroying power that was described on the website (”to recover a map to ancient Vaults and prevent a universe-destroying power from falling into the wrong hands”) so maybe the Eridians called us in in order to meet and get help against the COV?

“Beyond the Fray” by Cassandra Violet

personally i think this one is about the Eridian homeworld

“I'll mark the day When we can meet beyond the fray Don't lose the will to see your home You find the way so we can meet beyond the fray I'll fight to see that you get home Consider this small clue Look beyond your point of view Make a space for honesty hide“

Wouldn’t even be surprised if someone made a sacrifice so we could get there... I imagine its hidden somewhere in the alternate dimension or wherever the Vaults lead to so it couldn’t be found, so maybe Lilith’s got her powers back at this point and she sacrifices herself to send us there?

idk...

“Outside the Realm” by Big Giant Circles

ah yes, another reason I think the end of the game involves the Eridian homeworld in some way. Have you heard this?? huge “we just stumbled upon a long-lost-alien-planet” vibe. I love it. Maybe even just a shot of Sanctuary III slowly gliding over the giant planet, having just exited phasewalk. God yes

“Battle Royale” by Apashe

another reason i think the final fight is some giant battlefield/wave fight instead of just against 1 or 2 enemies. not to mention the fact that the VH skills we’ve seen so far are crowd control based instead of raid boss focused. 

Its likely the VHs against the Cult of the Vault, but if we defeat the Twins halfway through the game, then the Cult will dissolve on its own. Either way, I really really really really really want a huge fight against an army. I don’t care if its against the Children of the Vault, the Eridians/some Guardians, or if its against the Seraphs or a new set of aliens we’re gonna get (maybe whatever the Destroyer was/is?). idk idc i just want a huge battle. I imagine we’re on the Eridians’ side, as I said above, but who knows, maybe the Watcher went rogue. 

oh and also, the next song:

“Doomsday” by NERO

oh hey, I recognize this song, it’s giving me major BL2 flashbacks lmao

Also the last song in the playlist, which is giving me the big fear (tm)

I imagine that we wouldn’t have been brought to the Eridian homeworld if it wasn’t kind of a huge deal, and what’s more of a huge deal than the end of the universe?!

that’s what i’d call doomsday, anyway.

could be the reason the Eridians are coming out of hiding after all this time. Either to stop our dumb human asses from opening the Vaults, or to get help against these alien fucks because our dumb human asses keep destroying their first line of defense- the Vault Monsters.

If the twins actually DO remain the main villains throughout the whole game, then I imagine this is them prepping to destroy the universe

but maaaan i really want some aliens... maybe the universe destroying power IS the aliens? aw hell yeah

[demyrie]

I'm curious but why did you delete JAM? It was one of my favorite JxD fics and I never got to finish reading it.

ahhhh oh dear, yeah, that happened.

So, for everyone arriving, I wrote a fic called Just Another Mission for the Jak and Daxter game series, and Jak/Daxter pairing. Yes, the green haired elf protag with the fuzzy orange thing, which btw used to be a human and was a human in fic. I think I started it when I was maybe 14 (yikes omg) and a few years ago, I deleted it, and I don’t delete fics.

Rant and personal history ahead, but tldr; i deleted this particular fic because:

1) I became more and more uncomfortable with the way I’d treated certain characters without giving them respect or resolution (throwing around things like domestic abuse while being too young to properly understand What I Was Doing or How to Answer Very Triggered Friends Who Had the Misfortune of Reading This I’m So Goddamn Sorry, as well as falling into that Not Like Other Girls slash fan ditch of treating female characters like shit/obstacles to the main pairing WHICH IS JUST ******) as well as personally uncomfortable portrayals of obsession and taking advantage of people that turn my stomach to this day (see reason 4)

2) i got way in over my head with my own writing/style which was so obtuse and self-indulgent that I felt a great amount of shame over it, including the attention it had gotten, and the way it went to my head and turned me into an egotistic little shit. I was an asshole peacock and I regret it. There was a break where I got waylaid before the final confrontation in the fic (see reason 4, also a very bad time to get held up in any narrative) and when I returned to the story, i nearly cried because it was such a mess and I didn’t know what I was saying anymore. Finishing it was a struggle and I even remember one JnD fan friend being like “hey this chapter seemed really curt??? short?? not like you” and I was like YEAH THATS NOT ME ANYMORE god i hope

3) there was a sort of ... anti-JxD surge in my little pool from people I really respected and it made me think i was doing something wrong even just remembering it, so I cut off that memory.

4) it coincided with two ugly relationships in my life that marred it, and I just wanted it gone for my own mental health.

So anon, I’m very sorry that you never got to finish it. I had good intentions in mind and gave them a happy ending where they realized they loved each other, even if the journey there was difficult. 

It both touched me and broke a piece of my heart when someone came to me years ago and asked me why I had deleted it, saying the story had given them the courage to come out as gay to their family. In that moment, overwhelmed with how ProblematicTM the whole story was, I was really struck with just ... how subjective our world experience is, and how so many things can mean so many different things to every single soul and how terrifyingly VALID peoples experiences are, no matter how they come by them. We’re all so unique and convoluted, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure -- and one man’s trigger is another man’s key to Becoming. But no matter how inspiring, I couldn’t bring myself to repost it. 

Hopefully this will be the only fic i ever delete with relish. Jak and Daxter will always be a good memory for me, regardless. Thanks for the ask, anon.

(even more) personal stuff below the cut. tw for stalking, harassment, manipulation and emotional abuse.

So.

Im a firm believer in stories living beyond their authors (something that JK rowling doesnt seem to understand iykwim). I don’t normally delete past works, because while I wrote them, I also know that they’ve outgrown me as most narratives do: people are absolutely allowed to enjoy what they want to or need to, not just because I think said thing is reflective of my current work or jives with my current stage of life. 

However, JAM was a particular Thing that Had to Go.

The timeline is hella fuzzy to me because I’ve blocked a lot of it out, but I was coming out of middle school and struggling with my mental health. On the real life side, I was stuck in a situation with a close friend of mine who was very fixated on us being in a relationship and the pining was loud enough to hear from the other side of the country. Wounded people pleaser that I was, I flipped (exhaustingly) back and forth between “i dont like you like that” and “but I want you to be happy so what if I tried liking you like that?” and there was massive amounts of hidden hurt and resentment and tension and abandonment complex activation and just ... a strangling of anything that made our friendship good for either of us. 

Also she was a she. So. Yannoe, gay is difficult.

This definitely burnt me out on the “best friends pining” trope and is probably legit the ONLY reason I’m not equally in the erasermic and erasermight camp haha. That trope feels claustrophobic and draining to me, so I leave it for others to enjoy.

It also coincided with a married 45yo adult man luring me into a “platonic, ecstatic, boundary-breaking, you-are-my-beautiful-young-muse, words cannot express how much I love you” creative type relationship that inevitably turned possessive, domineering and manipulative. Within the bounds of the Renaissance Faire community, I thought he was a safe person and he was not, and his constant reassurance that I wasn’t like other women my age was absolutely hypnotizing to a undeveloped soul who really, really wanted to be special.

We traded poetry and tarot card readings over email. He bought me manga and shared stories about his time overseas and in the service. He made me props to go with my renaissance faire character and showed me where to find cheap leather so I could piece things together myself.

He also stalked me and owned me for the better part of a year and I only realized it once he started harassing a dear friend of mine overseas, whom I was visiting, about a package that he’d sent, which apparently he’d covered in original poetry to let me know how much he loved me But Not In a Hetero or Sexual Way Bro, so of course he didn’t want it to get lost in the postal system. So what is he going to do? Note my friend twice a day asking if its arrived until she inevitably, tearfully spills that this guy is stressing her out and who is he anyway?

My horrible secret was out, which only sounded horrible when I explained it to someone else. I realized this man was trying to follow me wherever i went and I got so fucking angry that he was messing with my friend that I had to stop it.

(He called me a cunt when I broke it off with him on the phone in the dark on the floor of my bedroom in the middle of the night so my parents wouldn’t hear, then sobbed and said he was sorry. I was so dissociated from the rush of anger and helplessness that it took for me to actually MAKE the call that all I could do was wiggle my foot and watch it in the reflection of the mirror on the back of my door, and think maybe I was a cunt but I wasn’t his cunt anymore. So there. 

Afterward I slammed my forehead into the mirror a few times to make sure I’d actually done it and it wasn’t a dream.)

During all of this, I was writing this stupid fic. I think. Honestly, I don’t fucking know, but I can’t think of it without thinking of him and how i was devoured.

The stress of hiding this “totally wonderful but NORMAL PEOPLE DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT WE HAVE!!!!” grooming shit from my parents was gutting me alive, and I was so far gone RE: worthiness/autonomy that I didn’t even consider why I BOTHERED diffusing his petulant accusations over notes on deviantArt again and again as he baited me into shit just to explode over how I didn’t love him and I figured out another way to soothe his engorged and tarry ego without explicitly lying that I loved him too. 

He made me regret my silver tongue and way with words as I used it to defend myself again and again, and crushed my love of writing. I would pace the neighborhood for almost an hour several times a week, claiming I was ‘exercising’ but really trying to understand why i felt so trapped, or where the lines between love and hate lay, or why I wanted to cry all the time, as i low key tried to get hit by a car just to force something to change in my life and jolt me out of his smothering, needy nightmare of constant texting and emails and notes. I couldn’t fucking flinch without him knowing about it, and asking me if I was okay. For this reason, I react very poorly to people fretting over me at length, and loudly. I get angry and feel violated, or just pinned to the floor by someone Performing their love on me with no real regard for my health.

This whole time, I was escaping into fandom. It probably saved my life, in one way or another, because I found friends who supported me and made me laugh in the JnD sphere. Especially the friend whose distress caused me to snap and realize This Couldn’t Continue.

This terrible man was the first one outside of my friend group that I showed my writing to, the first adult as well. It was on the dark side even then, but he said it was wonderful and amazing. He teased me for being stuck up in my authors notes on JAM (one of the reasons I’m just getting over ... talking ...) but said it inspired him to start writing as well. He used that writing to imagine hokey sprawling stories of him being a hot rod racer and me being his sexy girlfriend, Very Totally in Love. Why Couldn’t We have Just Met in a Different Lifetime??? not that its a relevant question for my young 16yo friend lol just something dreamers wonder lol lol here why don’t you take this traditional irish engagement ring aka claddagh i bought for you, lie to your parents and say I bought one for everyone in our renfaire group, and turn it toward your heart, to imply that you’re in love, so that I can keep your heart safe for you until you find a boyfriend?

FUCKER YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKER ok I’m done. Fuck.

JAM was a project of mine that spanned a year or two and is intrinsically tangled in those very bad relationships and very bad lessons. I deleted it because I needed to, for purely personal reasons beyond the fact that it was generally bombastic, over-long, tone-deaf and dealt with very serious issues poorly. Due to these experiences, you won’t catch me in a hot minute writing either best-friends-pining or heavy jealousy/possessiveness fic, but everyone else? Go crazy just tag your shit.

so. anyway. isn’t subjectivity actually terrifying? You never know what something can mean to someone else. So just ask, maybe.

Damn, son. Some fics you just can’t repost.

[dalesuperstar-blog]

[gods+men] Gorillaz @ The Forum, CA 10.5.17 // Hello, Humanz

every couple years a band/artist is the god of my little segment of the earth. i realise that this is an extremely limited bubble. and i dont really know what the bubble is, honestly. but i think that im gonna use this tumblr moving fwd to talk about it/figure it out. so yay, thx. oh and if you happen to also exist in this bubble, hmu duh.

so today im gonna talk about the current gods - G O R I L L A Z. we’ll go over the gods of the last 25 years later and create some sort of listeroo bc if you know me (which you dont) you know i love lists (now you do).

but like dude for reallies, gorillaz. wtf? who? what? when? how? why? lol that was p much me the whole night. like what in the hell, can we all pls take a moment of silence to honour the genius that is every.single.fucking. part of gorillaz.

quik backgrownd: Gorillaz is an English virtual band. what that means is it’s 4 animated characters: Noodle (guitar/keyboards/my first fav), Murdoc Niccals (bass), 2-D (lead vox/keyboards/super hot for a cartoon?), and Russel Hobbs (drums/percussion). it’s kind of hard to wrap your head around a virtual band, i totally get it. but think of it as like, an extended movie/series. every album, everything they do is just a new episode/sequel to the story. and another thing that’s cool about this idea is that since it’s these 4 animated characters, anyone can work on the project (like how a move and its sequel can have diff set designers, etc.). and that’s something gorillaz have come to be known for - the fucking amazing features and guests on every album. like seriously, how. ok i’ll probably have a diff post just on the band bc super interestinggg

back to the point of this. fucking damon man. & jamie too. that’s all lol

jk 

i mean yea it was really fcuking magical. i do wish i got to see the plastic beach and demon days songs on those tours but honestly theres a certain nostalgic beauty to seeing them now because the songs have so much time-created meaning. thats kinda what on melancholy hill is for me. so many memories -- good and bad -- that i get to remember when i hear the song and then with a whole new memory of live...idk 

NEW SONG apparently they were in idaho for a couple weeks and they wrote this sick country-ish song and if youre not jealous that you haven’t heard it, youre wack and you should be. i mean, im jealous of my past self bc im not there anymore lol

and so many historically important guests came out, old and new, but the real star was fucking little simz.. we were all just like :O the whole time. i turned to my friend and was like That is the coolest outfit in the world and she responded That is the coolest person in the world. Touche. also our last names are a bit similar so now i feel some unwarranted connection to her lol pls can we be friends? there’s something so cool about her: like shes so inspiring youre like fuck i wanna be like her but then at the same time youre like well fuck i will never be that cool. idk how shes so down to earth but also untouchable at the same time.. wonder what she’s doing rn, does she live a normal life? does she like mangos? (i love mangos and that’s always an imp q to ask) and that’s kind of what i was saying before. gorillaz is/are these divine beings and when you get to be in their presence, to vibrate with them it’s just an unreal experience. it’s like you get to exist on this transcendent plane temporarily. and it sucks when you have to leave but youre thankful that it happened and maybe what makes it beautiful is that it ends (no fuck that. i’d be down to stop time and just stay there forever. kthxbye)

anyway yall should catch the humanz tour but maybe gorillaz are just back so maybe you have time but also maybe not and do you really wanna risk that? i say, no.

[survivorarabia]

EPISODE 8 “Pissy Omg That Is Me” - Issy

Ci’ere

“Recap: Nicole went rogue, two idols were played and one was flushed (thanks to yours truly), Alex is a cat with 9 lives, I lost an extremely loyal ally, and now both sides are evenly split 5-5. Ruthie and Nicole are way closer than I thought, a little too close for my liking. I’m pretty sure Nicole would never play an idol on me, she voted with the other side, and she tried to use the fake information I gave her to play an idol on someone she thought I was voting out. Hell to the naw.”

Aren

I'm honestly just really, really sick of being viewed as a goat in this game. Ya'know, returning after that damn Catastrosicily (Catastrophe + Sicily ya dumb schmuck), all I wanted to do in this damn game was redeem myself -- play a game to be proud of. But... But... *begins tearing up; sad Survivor music begins playing* nobody likes me!! AND NOBODY RESPECTS MY GAME! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! WAH WAH WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! 

Lena

so i put all 500 on the sealed envelope because yeah. anyway so ruthie just said this in my alliance chat w/ herself myself and richie and alex: "I wonder if he is really 14, he could be a Survivor vet in disguise." about aren..... and i'm shook. I'M a survivor vet in disguise but how am i a vet when i got 6th and then got FIRST BOOT like honestly im a mess but somehow i made it to the jury?????? somehow. anyway its so hard to not tell anyone this but i'm literally going to the finale pre-party and after-parties of the s33 finale in los angeles last month and i just found out today?????? LIKE???????? LOOKS LIKE LENA IS GOING ON ANOTHER CAMPING TRIP HUH................................. jk i'm going to be going to a family reunion in another state. which state?IDK YET. but i'll get there.

Issy

It's beginning to seem like I've made alliances with a bunch of fucking idiots here Aren wants to flip, Emmott wants to flip, nobody seems fucking concerned that Khiana is only growing in strength & numbers at every passing tribal FUCK ME Aren just said he's going to flip & I fucking BET Emmott will too I think it's come time to break my alliance with them already, fuck If I flip, I'm absolutely on the bottom of a Khiana alliance, like fuck I know this game is changing and Jay is a threat but NOT RIGHT FUCKING NOW I JUST WANT ONE OF THEM GONE! ONE OF THEM! So they don't have fucking twice the numbers we do because we've been picking each other off! 

Ci’ere

“Alex’s arrogance is seeping wet in a ball of moistness since he just idol’d out Roxy and he is not trying to hide it at all. I wanna see him suffer in this game and for all of his allies to get voted out because he is being handed the win on a silver platter. I will avenge Roxy and her elimination will not be in vain if I have any say in it. I’m trying to keep my mouth shut though because I know that these people don’t like problematic.”

Issy

OKay that last confessional was a bit much but I'm so fucking done with this Aren, 10:12 pm Sorry, are you angry at me? askakskksa YES yes I am fucking angry, god damn it issy, 10:15 pm no lol it's fine Fuck me, fuck this, I want Alex and Ruthie out pronto or Alex is going to win this whole bloody thing, I'm calling it now I should never have voted out Shay, I should never have voted Roxy, I fucked up and I don't know how to fix this because it's starting to feel like I've very much already lost But POSITIVITY!! Am I right? <3 <3 <3 Fuck I'm so bitter today oops

Alex

wheee videos

Ruthie

I'm feeling really good about this stick I just spent $480, I HOPE THAT IT HAS MY NAME ON IT!  Also I'm hoping everyone else skips over the Mac and Cheese and I mean, I have no idea but I'm guessing everyone will be going for the covered items and the mystery stuff but hey look at that stick it looks like there might be a secret hole at the end.  I just really hope that Nicole, Alex, Lena, Richie and myself get by another week. <3 

Ci’ere

“I have an issue with Nicole’s comment about being lied to. I did lie to her and say that my side was planning to vote out Ruthie, but you weren’t voting with us so you shouldn’t be surprised that you were lied to. If someone tells you who they’re voting out and you idol that same person, do you really think you should be let in on the plan? Get it together gurl… This is why I don’t really see her as an ally to me anymore. I guess if anything went right last tribal council, it would be that Nicole’s idol was flushed and Alex played his which means there are less idols to worry about!”

Aren

Call me crazy. Call me wild. Call me stupid. Call me CHAOTIC AS ALL FUCK!!! But my name is Aren, and I'm here to flip this game on it's fat ass and create chaos and make huge fucking moves. That is why Jay is hopefully going to be going home at this next tribal-council. :) IssyFuck me, this game is falling to pieces Touchy subjects! My all time favourite challenge! (not) I'm mentally preparing myself to win all of the shitty ones because I'm sure Alex, Ruthie, Lena & co are still going to be bitter It's certainly going to be interesting, always good to find out what people really think of you Ugh I still can't believe Aren actually seriously wants to flip here, he fucking brought it up again I was good to just pretend it never happened in the first place I'm being so pissy lately, like I just went off at him which is never good gameplay & I'm pretty sure Emmott hates me too 'pissy' omg that is me

Ci’ere

“These people don’t know how to play Survivor and it’s really starting to frustrate me. Everyone is either too egotistical, conniving, or artificial and it’s just so blatant. The only person I would consider normal is Ruthie and I don’t even talk to her that much lmao. Note: Start talking to the other side and make sure you’re not their target.”

Ci’ere

“I believe that Aren slipped up earlier today and he inferred that he, Emmott and Issy are a tight trio. Which is funny because that would mean they’re keeping me out the loop, hmm. Aren said that he’s worried about Jay because apparently he’s been making final 3 chats with different combinations of people and smoked everyone in Tetris which all implies that he wants Jay out. This is funny because I realized Jay has become a threat too, but it’s too soon to turn on each other because it’s 5-5 and OG Fawz needs to stick together. We can take out Jay at a later time when we have the numbers.”

Jay

Okay, lets get caught up again. Not sure what I covered in my last one so this may overlap a bit. On Hazima tribe, I made a #BigMove. Alex and Lena were assuring me that I am safe and that Issy was the target. Issy was allied with some of my original Fawz allies as well, so saving her would be better than letting the other side keep an extra number. I used my idol and the vote was a split 2 Issy - 2 Alex. Because I used my Idol, I was not eligible for drawing rocks, so only Lena would be in danger from another tie. After it was revealed, I told Lena that I am voting for Alex and if she does not as well, then her game is over. Of course, she voted Alex. I felt bad really, he's a nice guy. But luckily for Alex, he had a godamn Phoenix idol that brought him right back into the game. A bit anticlimactic, but at least I nullified his Phoenix Idol and prevented him from bringing back another number on their side. The tribes merge and Alex comes back, shit. After the merge, I started an alliance with most of the original Fawz members, Me, Aren, Ci'ere, Kat, Roxy $ Issy, only Emmott had to be excluded, because of Roxy's mistrust of him. I still thought he could be a good ally, so I kept him close, but outside the alliance. Meanwhile: I'm still a part of the mostly-Khiana alliance 'Unnamed Icons', which I only joined to gather more intel and keep my people safe. Members: Nicole, Richie, Lena & Me. First immunity challenge is Tetris! YEESSS! THIS IS MY GAME! I love Tetris with a passion and I still have my original Gameboy Cartridge for it. I played for a couple hours and got what I hoped would be a respectable score. But apparently everyone else sucks at Tetris because I scored nearly double what 2nd place submitted. Looking at the numbers, the OG Fawz alliance should have this vote easily, and we decided to target Alex, but to tell everyone that we are targeting Ruthie instead. (To draw out any possible Idols and maybe split the vote further) This plan worked well, too well. Two idols were played, one on Ruthie and one on Alex. Well shit. The votes came out 5-7, so everyone I told to vote Alex followed through, but the rest flipped on me, I guess my connection to the Unnamed Icons has been severed. Because of the double Idol play, we lost Roxy. Sad to see her go, but I still had Emmott waiting in the wings. Nobody objected so I added him to the group. I'm sure he's not happy about being the last added, but I hope he'll realize that it was only because of Roxy. (I honestly did want him in to begin with) Surprisingly, Richie and I had a conversation, apparently he feels very much on the outs with his original Khiana people. (It seems like Alex, Lena, Ruthie & Nicole are all very tight) I told him that I didn't intend to betray him, I was just doing what I had to do to stay alive in the game and that I had ties to Fawz people from the beginning, so I was honoring my promises to them. He said he respects that and that he still wants to work with me. Awesome! If Richie was being honest, then that means we can easily control the votes and boot the remaining Khiana people, one by one. I told him that I would let him know how we are voting when the time comes, and that if he votes our way then I'll do what I can to bring him in to the alliance. Auction time! My plan was to bid decently high on two items that I want a lot, and then a lot of little bids in the hopes that I get something nobody else put any cash on. This worked out well, as I expected several people bid everything on one item and there were a few instances of more than one person bidding a large amount on the same item. I managed to score 3 great items! 1 Vote Nullifier 1 Extra Vote & 2 Idol Clues. These will definitely be handy later on...

Ruthie

So I'm waiting for the results COMPLETELY on edge because knowing Jay his lucky ass has also won individual immunity along with all his other goodies that he got at the auction.  If somehow Jay doesn't win I hope Alex does because I have a better chance at staying than he does, either way I'm terrified about the result and I hope Alex, Richie, Lena and myself figure out a way to pull out another win and keep the four of us solid.  I'm SO sad that Nicole exiled herself but I totally get why she did it, I just hate the entire situation, PLEASE Survivor Gods let one of us win individual immunity. <3 

Ci’ere

“I have not gotten anything from a freaking reward and I’m jmhnbv mnjhnbgv”

Lena

LMAO my drunk as shit answers, I don't remember any of that. anyway im playing pokemon moon so this game is cancelled for the next 36 hours while i die playing this game

Ci’ere

“Who would you trust with your life?

None of these snitches.”

Aren

Me @ the people that gave me really nawsty answers in Touchy Subjects: What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo. But fo' reals THESE FUCKERS don't know what the fUCK they're talking about because BOY am I giving them a fucking aSS SPANKING in this game rn like they need to beg their momma to save em at this point ArenSo, I might be sick as all fuck, but this does NOT mean that I've stopped playing the game. Hehehehe, I have a sneaky-sneaky plan! So, I still want Jay out, and I'm gonna make SURE he goes. Therefor... *rubs hands together* I'm gonna fabricate some friendly ole' conversations! FAKE CONVERSATION #1 - GOAL: MAKE ISSY VOTE FOR JAY. So, when Emmott and I have spoken enough, I'm gonna copy + paste our conversation to Issy but I'm gonna change our sentences to make it look like Emmott's now gunning for Jay. Issy, as she trusts me so damn much, is gonna believe me and is gonna get super paranoid and probably vote for Jay! That's already a 6-4 vote! But lets make this bad boy 7-3... FAKE CONVERSATION #2 - GOAL: MAKE EMMOTT ALSO VOTE FOR JAY. When Jay finally gets back to me and we get the opportunity to chat, I'm gonna also copy + paste our conversation to Emmott to make Emmott thing that Jay's gunning for him. Since Emmott's so fucking paranoid, he's gonna listen and want to vote Jay out with me. Splendid! Fucking splendid! A 7-3 blindside on Jay, MMM. 

Ci’ere

“The Touchy Subject results are revealed and it turns out that I was only answered twice out of 140 possible times. I’m not sure if I’m playing a strong under the radar game or if I’m just irrelevant, but it means that I’m not on anyone’s radar lmao. I wasn’t even answered for any of the negative ones either, I’m here for this yas chile~”

Aren

[13:00:56] Jay: Yo [13:01:01] Aren: Sup man! [13:01:11] Jay: Hey, what's up? [13:01:19] Aren: Not much!! Just chilling, playing Counter-Strike haha. You? [13:01:24] Jay: I'm just relaxing, just finished eating takeaway and watching a movie with my wife. I've played that game too a few times it's pretty good [13:01:27] Aren: Yeah man lol definitely [13:02:04] Jay: So, this is what I wanted to message you about. I havent asked anyone about this yet so I just want to consult you before I try to actually make a big flip. I know that we're planning to gun for Lena, but I honestly want to flip the vote to Emott. I understand that you might be against this but he's a complete middle man and I feel like he could be playing both sides which is super dangerous. I just wanted to get your input honestly [13:02:12] Aren: Wowah [13:02:29] Aren: I dunno honestly, I think it might be a better idea just to stick with our original plan for now?? [13:02:37] Jay: I'd honestly just rather get Emmott out but I understand. [13:03:02] Aren: I mean I dunno dude I'm pretty sure he's with us [13:03:17] Jay: Alright, well, perhaps we could take Lena out now and do Emmott later?? I just don't want to let him make it further than, like, the final eight honestly. He's a very dangerous player. [13:03:26] Aren: Alright man, I understand. I'll think about it, okay? [13:03:17] Jay: (y) ... And this fake conversation built upon Aren's anvil of prickiness is going straight into Emmott's inbox! Oops! Time to switch this vote the fuck up and send Jay the fuck home!!!

Ci’ere

“Kat, whom I forgot was still in the game, was medevac’d and no offense but I knew she would just be a waste of a spot for someone that would have actually played the game. It really sucks because she seems cool and she was a number for my side s m h.”

Richie

this game is a mess!!!!!!!  i've been talking to everyone on the fawz tribe like im a fucking IDIOT lmao i'm literally acting like i'm the most pathetic baby deer clueless to whats going on just looking for someone to trust bc im so alone and i just want to be given a chance to play this game :( :( :( :( and its working out for me now because i have the family alliance with alex/lena/ruthie but the fawz people see them a threesome and i keep playing it up that i'm on the outside of that group and i'm going to all the fawz ppl just putting my fragile little heart in their hands hoping for some sort of strain of trust and hope <3 in the long run this could be harmful because people might see me doing this and think that i was actually a useless floater but like i'm getting tea from everyone i'm just taking notes and making connections... also i have alex ruthie and lena who are going to get taken out before me like if i start trying to make BIG MOVES right now then my name gets moved to the top of that list so its just not smart for me to put myself out there yknooooooowwww?! but whatevz i can deal with all that later for now this vote is looking to be another "fun" one... jay told me to vote ruthie, aren told me that jay is lying to me and that he wants me to vote for ruthie while the rest of them vote lena so its a 5-3-1 with me as the 1, aren wants to blinside jay which IM ALL FOR THAT MF CAN GOOOOOO but he won three (3) things in the auction which fucking terrrrrrrifies me so im hesitant to try and blindside him right now but i'm not in a position where i can take the reins on this vote bc if i start causing chaos the original fawz alliance can decide to come together and vote me out 5-4 so for this vote i need to try my best to suppress my  need to be in control at all times, shut up, go with this plan, and hope for the best because if it works GREAT jay's gone and if it doesn't then lena or ruthie go WHICH SUCKS but im still in the game and the khiana numbers wouldnt be intimidating to the fawz people anymore so they would be more likely to want to make a move next week..... UGHHHHHHH I JUST WANT TO BE IN CONTROL OF EVERYTHING I HATE THAT IM IN THIS POSITION WHERE I HAVE TO SHUT UP AND PRETEND IM WEAK AND STUPID I JUST WANT TO BE CHAOTIC EVILLLLLLLL :( :( :(

Alex

I WON IMMUNITY, SUCKERS, TAKE THAT I KNEW THAT MACARONI AND CHEESE WOULD PAY OFF! So this round has just been....a rollercoaster of emotions.  First, at the auction, Jay wins a whole bunch of shit, and Nicole pops off to Exile.  First of all, fuck you Nicole, we NEEDED you this round.  But second of all, that puts us down 6-4, and that blows.  Now my brilliant “lie to everybody” plan doesn't work and we're p. fucked. But then, Immunity comes around, and not only do I win (again: heck yes!) but Kat is bounced out of the game.  Presumably, she was DEVASTATED by the loss of her only ally, Julia, that she got sick and died.  So now, lucky us, the numbers are back on our side! Except of course they're not, because, as we must remember, Aren and Emmott are liars, proven liars.  Fuck them so hard. Anyway.  Theoretically, we have Aren's vote against Jay (which we do not), and equally theoretically, Aren's fake chatlog of Jay wanting to take Emmott out has convinced Emmott to vote for Jay as well (it did not).  And all this has theoretically made Issy realize that it's a done deal, and she's gonna vote Jay too (she will not). So, in theory, we have the votes to take out Jay, or to do my initial plan of removing Ci'ere while telling everyone to vote Jay (we do not, and we will not).  But the thing is that on top of all these liars supposedly telling us the truth (they are not), I've checked, and there's no way that the chatlogs Aren's sent me were anything but fake.  The timestamps don't come out like that in a real chatlog unless he's running Linux or something.  So, in short, we're pretty fucked this tribal. Do I need to tell the rest of the group this?  No, of course not.  They don't need to know how hopeless it is, and considering I have Immunity and thus am not on the chopping block, I'm tryna shut up and let them decide what plan they wanna run. But anyway, we're fucked this tribal, what fun.

Ci’ere

“I mention that Ruthie was voted ‘Most Trustworthy & Most Heroic’ so she’s a threat and maybe we should target her. Everyone in my alliance immediately shoots down that idea and they’re seriously against it. They would rather go after Lena who was voted ‘Most Needs a Wake Up Call & Never Talk to Again’ like...WHAT?? Ruthie has made solid bonds and my own alliance proved that themselves. At this point, alliances are probably shifting and things are actually starting to get kind of blurred.”

Ruthie

So, tribal is in an hour and I'm not as nervous 

as I was last week and I'm coming to the terms that I'm going to be the one going home.  I'm so glad to have made it to jury, and I really hope that Alex, Lena and Richie work with Nicole next time and that they send one of the others to jury next!  Emmott and Aren are such snakes for doing what they are going to do, and I don't trust them AT ALL.  I would rather them go than Jay go at this point, everything is such a mess and I wonder who is telling the truth and who isn't and being on the bottom sure does suck.   If I am the one that goes I am excited about my speech, mayyyyybe that willl cause a bit of chaos and it'll get the others someone new to work with. 

Alex

I have NO IDEA what is about to happen here I think the craziest thing that could happen would be for our plan to go off without a hitch, really.