#apologies in advance to everybody. and anybody. but also you’re welcome!

[itsbrucey]

Probably last wip of this!! Need to finish the details on the hands + feet but once I get to sit down and color this…. Girl.

[diveronarpg]

Congratulations, CHARLIE! You’ve been accepted for the role of GONERIL. Admin Jen: You have no idea how happy we are that you’ll be bringing us Verona’s favorite firebrand, Charlie! Like you pointed out, it’s easy to write Grace off as just that -- a whirlwind of chaos and spite with nothing more to her other than that, but you’ve definitely succeeded in bringing her out of the shadow of that impression and exploring everything else that makes her shine. There is so much more to her than meets the eye, and your diligence and care when it comes to portraying that left us completely thrilled to have her flourish in your hands. We’re so glad to have you back, and we can’t wait to see what more you have in store for Grace! Please read over the checklist and send in your blog within 24 hours.

WELCOME TO THE MOB.

Out of Character

Alias | Charlie

Age | 22

Preferred Pronouns | she/her

Activity Level | 5-6/10. I’m a law student and working 20 hours per week. So it’s safe to say that my rl can be pretty stressful. In addition, I like to take my time with my replies so that I can actually be satisfied with how they turned out. I’ve found in the past that it’s the easiest and most efficient for me to do replies as inspiration strikes and queue them to post every 2-3 days which I plan to do as well. However, I’m available every day almost all day long on Tumblr and Discord to chat and plot. 

Timezone | CET

How did you find the rp?  | Originally, through Jen, but this time because I’ve been a part of the group before.

Current/Past RP Accounts | may I introduce you to  https://ofbellos.tumblr.com/ and https://ofdupont.tumblr.com/

IN CHARACTER

Character | Grace Daly aka Goneril. 

What drew you to this character? | Goneril is a character I’ve been intrigued by ever since I first stumbled across the rp. Back then, she was still a taken character so I’ve never really bothered thinking about whether I’d apply for her or not and when she was reopened, I had my fair share of characters that were keeping me busy. 

Somehow this fascination I have with her has never fully gone away, though. There’s something about her, her passion, her fierceness, how unwilling she is to be anybody but herself (and to hell with everybody who has a problem with that, quite literally, you'll probably end up dead if you insult her) that just really intrigues me. I feel like it’s easy to assume that Grace is downright crazy or doesn’t think at all about the consequences her actions might have, that she might not even have the mental capability of doing so. But while she’s definitely lead by her emotions and doesn’t fully know how to control her temper (and mostly doesn’t even want to), she doesn’t act without thinking about the consequences beforehand, very often, she acts a certain way despite having thought about it before. The ‘problem’ is that, in most cases, she simply doesn’t give a damn. She lives to provoke, to toy with the line of right and wrong and to run right through the wall that exists on that line for most people simply because she enjoys it. A part of her is eager to see just how far she can go simply because the search excites her. It’s most of the time not really about the other person (except for the times somebody managed to piss her off, which, admittedly, is not the hardest thing to do) but mostly about herself and what she wants to do. Everything else is secondary.  And quite frankly, there’s nothing that she hates more than being bored. She lives for the thrill, be it the thrill caused by a good old bar fight, killing somebody with your bare hands, a steaming hot fuck or a simple argument. And the power of winning the things listed before. In some way, everything’s a fight for her and the big thrill of life is in that fight and winning it. After all, Grace Daly is nothing if not a winner. Losing isn’t an option. However, despite what you might think at the first (or even second) glance, she’s not just all fun and games. There’s this blazing hot desire burning inside her to conquer and rule her own kingdom. I’m gonna stop right here because I’m gonna be exploring this aspect further in the future plot section. However, I definitely see these various facets Grace has to offer that are so unique to her in my eyes and I really want to explore those in greater detail. Grace is bold, loud, unapologetic, reckless and untamable all wrapped up in one fiery ball of chaos and she’s definitely a force to be reckoned with, not just despite but because of how unpredictable she is. It might have not gotten her where she wants to go so far, but that certainly doesn’t mean that there isn’t a certain kind of power in it.

She’s so unlike any other character I’ve ever truly played before and that’s one of the many reasons why I actually thought long and hard about whether to apply for her or not. She’ll be quite the challenge for me, I’m not ashamed to admit that, but part of the reason why I’m still so into rping after all these years is the desire to challenge myself and hopefully become a better writer in the end. Grace Daly will without a hint of a doubt be a challenge for me, but I’m so ready for that. Also, her uniqueness compared to other characters I’ve played - even characters I’ve already written here in DV - makes it possible for me to explore other plots, connections, and interactions I haven’t gotten to explore before which really excited me as well.

What is a future plot idea you have in mind for the character? | 

I’ve added some future plot points that are more ideas than already thought out plots which I’ve called ‘ideas’ instead of ‘plots’. For a better understanding and cohesiveness, I’ve mixed them together so that they fit contentwise, I hope it isn’t too confusing. If it is, I want to apologize in advance. 

PLOT 01

The Daly Sisters own a huge space of my heart when it comes to this rp. There dynamic is so unlike any other in the rp and, quite frankly, I cannot wait to sink my claws into that. I’d really love a family face-off, especially between Regina and Grace. After all, one of the reasons why Grace joined the Montagues in the first place - even if she’d never admit it out loud - is the fact that little, boring Regina got promoted to Captain by Cosimo after spending only a blink of an eye with the Capulets. She never earned her name the way Grace did, she did nothing to deserve it. And you can be dead sure that once word got out that Regina has been promoted to the position of a hitman - and sooner or later Grace would have found out, nothing stays secret in Verona forever -, she’d have been fuming. It’s just another promotion she doesn’t deserve. And here Grace is working her ass off - Grace Daly style, obviously - and has nothing to see for it. Actually, fuming would be a nice word. So yeah, I feel like a sisterly confrontation is overdue in Grace’s eyes. If you can’t ignore an annoying bug, you have to squash it to finally get rid of it. And Regina Daly is a bug Grace has been dying to step on for quite some while now. She tried to ignore her when she was younger, forget all about her existence in the first place, but apparently, that’s not an option anymore. So yes, I can totally see a sisterly face-off happen in the near future because sneaky scheming and planning to get rid of somebody isn’t really Grace’s style. She tends to rely on sheer brutality and cruelty and wouldn’t it be quite poetic to have one last fight to finally set an end to this argument (idk if you can even call it that cause I’m pretty sure Regina doesn’t give a damn about Grace)? Grace at least would love the poetry of it.

IDEA 01

This idea is related to the first plot in some way. It’s pretty established in her bio that Grace has never been willing to give her two younger sisters the time of day and would like to forget that she’s ever shared a home, not to mention blood ties with them. However, I want to explore just how deep this disinterest goes. I know for a fact that she wouldn’t shy away from killing Regina in cold blood. However, what about Catherine? Is there some small inkling in the dark hole that is her heart that does care for her? I’m not sure, but I want to find out. At the same time, I also want to explore if there’s actually a person (apart from herself) that she cares for or rather cares enough about enough to sacrifice? I don’t know if there’s a positive answer to that question, even though Grace is only human, after all, and it’s in the human nature to want to be connected to other people, but I just want to explore this question further.  

IDEA 02

If I cannot bend Heaven, I’ll raise Hell. Even though you wouldn’t necessarily suspect it, Grace is ambitious as they come. Blame it on her parents for always treasuring her like grace from God, telling her she can everything she sets her dark eyes on, but she’s always known that she’ll be a queen an empress one day. And she won’t stop at anything to get her way. So far, she’s had very little success, though. After all, despite having been involved with the mob for years now, she’s still nothing more than a soldier, a little pawn in the game of others.  While I’m not sure if she’d make a good ruler (in fact, I know the opposite is the case), she’s definitely a conqueror. Or has the potential to be once she figures out how to make the best use of the anger, passion, and fire that runs through her veins. She’s smart enough to figure it out. After all, as it’s already said in her bio “Every move she made was calculated, every strike meticulously aimed”. She definitely has the mental capacities for it. I think her biggest problem is that she needs to learn how to control her emotions and not have them influence her moves and the goal of her plans as they do now. However, learning is hard (read: almost impossible) when you’re as self-conceited as Grace is. I want to explore that struggle further, this dissonance of ambition & desire and her temper & boisterousness. 

PLOT 02 a

This plot is related to the second idea. 

If you can’t learn how to balance out your own strengths, you either need to accept that you might never reach your goal or team up with somebody who can provide what you’re lacking. The first one is clearly no option and the second one is not exactly the first thing that comes to your mind considering we’re talking about Grace either. After all, Grace isn’t really much of a team player either for she’s too selfish for that, not to mention too unpredictable, unreliable and many other things. However, I want her to seak out a partnership nonetheless. This is not to say that she’ll suddenly turn into a team-player or people person all of a sudden - hell no. No, it’d be a play really. It’d mostly be an idea born out of an alcoholic haze, nothing that serious at first. It’d be with somebody, who’s about just as desperate as she is to get to the top, and a partnership that is already doomed for a start because she plans to get rid of them as soon as the situation improves for her. She sure as hell doesn’t plan for one second to share the spotlight, they’ll just be a tool in some way. Not because she’d be manipulating them into thinking that she sees it as a real partnership, she’s no schemer, after all. No, they’d get into this with both eyes open and be ambitious enough to do it nonetheless, probably even thinking to cut her loose the first chance they get as well.  

PLOT 02 b

As it’s kind of a second part of the second plot, I wanted to split those up.

I could totally see the previously mentioned partnership turn into something of a cat and mouse kinda game. It’d actually be quite intriguing to see somebody to challenge her directly and on a personal level for a change because while the whole thing would still be somewhat mob-related, it’d be more focused on the power they’ve gathered together and that both of them wants the biggest piece of. Or rather the only piece without having to share it with the other person. It’d need to be somebody who’d be her equal, who could handle themselves around her, but then again, if they couldn’t, this partnership would have never seen the light of day in the first place. I want Grace to face a challenge/challenger she can’t get rid of that easily. I want her having to face them again and again, simply because they’re both too stubborn to die and to give up what they’ve earned. 

PLOT 03

This plot goes a little hand in hand with the previous plot, but I felt it still deserved a plot point on it’s own as it’s related to her connection with Ivan Rahal in particular.

Whereas Grace is chaos come to live and craves power above all, Ivan is a master chess player who craves chaos and destruction above all. It’s an unlike combination and yet one, that causes fear and terror among Verona’s citizens unlike any other for their united in their darkness and their thirst for blood. I feel like there’s so much Grace could learn from him and his talent for strategy. She wouldn’t ever ask for help nor would she want to change, after all, she’s perfect the way she is. Nonetheless, I want her to observe Ivan more closely, to study the way he thinks and does things, to get a feel for how he operates. I highly doubt she’d be able to employ these tactics for her own goals simply because she’s disciplined enough for that, but I feel like it’d be a valuable lesson for her nonetheless? 

PLOT 04

I feel like it’s only a question until her treacherous past truly catches up to her. After all, so far, she’s gotten away with turning her back on the Capulets to join the enemy’s ranks pretty easily. I mean she’s still alive and relatively unharmed which is more than most people could say in the same situation. Of course, she’s under the Montagues’ protection, but even that doesn’t have the same weight in every part of Verona. Knowing Grace’s recklessness and her tendency to live dangerously, she doesn’t shy away from Capulet territory. Probably even provokes them when she feels like it simply because she can (and because it makes her feel powerful). So it’s only a question of time until she gets into a situation where she has to pay for what she’s done. Unlike Grace, I’m not narcissistic enough to assume that she’s the Capulets’ main agenda, however, especially in combination with the connection with Vivianne provided in her bio (so I could def see Vivianne playing a role in that one way or another, maybe even assigning somebody to take care of her? Maybe even Regina which would kind of fit together nicely with Plot 01), I do think that this is still a topic worth exploring. After all, the Capulets won’t just forgive and forget. 

Are you comfortable with killing off your character? | Yes. With her recklessness and ability to piss off the people around her, I feel like it’s only a question of time until Grace is killed, not a question of if. 

IN DEPTH.

mentions of graphic violence tw

Carelessly she flicks the cigarette against her chair, her lips curled up into an amused smirk and her long legs draped on the table in front of her. Grace Daly has never been one to give a damn about the rules of properness and she sure as isn’t going to start now just because everybody around her does it. Just because, apparently, there some things you simply “have” to do, especially when being in a lion’s den. Idioti. No, following the rules is something reserved for sheep, people who aren’t bold enough to make decisions for themselves. And Grace Daly is most certainly not a sheep nor is she scared of anything or anybody. Fear? She laughs in the face of fear. It’s not like she’s stupid. Even though it doesn’t look like it, she’s perfectly aware of how dangerous this situation can be for her. How she might not make it out of here alive. The sheer thrill of it causes the adrenalin to rush through her veins, the smirk on her lips to grow just a little more intense. Other people might sit on the edge of their seats, all fidgety and nervous. Not just because of the fact that she’s currently meeting who’s supposed to enemy nr. one, but also because this meeting alone is enough to paint her as a traitor in the eyes of some people. But not Grace. Oh hell no. No, it takes more to get under her skin. Besides, it’s not like she asked for this meeting. No, Damiano Montague reached out to her, invited her. And well, who was she to refuse, even if meeting with him for any other reason to put a bullet between his eyes might be enough reason to some to try put a bullet between her eyes? Turning down the invitation would have been plain stupid. However, not for the reason most people might believe. No, it wasn’t fear that made her accept the invitation, It was sheer ambition. Fuck rules of decency and properness, fuck the rules of the mob if they’re getting in the way of what she wants. After all, when has she ever not taken what she wanted the instant she wanted it, no matter what it takes? Her teeth and ambitions are bared now more than ever, after having her potential ignored in favor of her younger, colorless sister. If it takes a swim to the other side, to change that situation, it’d be stupid to turn down the opportunity. 

Her head slightly tilted to the right, her dark eyes are focused on the man in front of her, eying him attentively. It’s quite ironic really how he looks nothing like Cosimo Capulet and exactly like him at the same time. There’s this air of confidence - arrogance really - surrounding him, the charisma of somebody who’s used to getting what he wants, who’s demanding it really. It takes only one look at him to know he doesn’t take well to being turned down. Not that she gives a damn. If he doesn’t offer her a deal she’s interested tonight, Grace won’t feel obligated in any way. Hell, if things don’t go the way she wants (and quite frankly, expects) them to, she might just try to ram or throw the knife she always has with her, hidden in her left boot, into his trachea. If she returns to the other side of the Adige with Damiano Montague’s blood on her hands - literally -, they just have to promote her to Captain at least. Better even, kiss her ass for quite some while. The smirk already gracing her lips grows just a little bit bigger at the thought of his face slowly losing all its color, the desperate death rattle of a dying man, maybe even some pleas for mercy. Somehow this turn of events would be almost just as nice as what she actually came here to do. So whatever is going to happen next, she knows she’ll come out of this little meeting with one sort of advantage in her hands. So much for Grace Daly being incapable of having a plan b.

Without taking her eyes of the mob boss in front of her - direct eye contact is important, after all, to assert dominance and to show that she isn’t the slightest bit afraid of him-, she stubs the cigarette on the wooden table, not giving a damn whether it’d leave a burn mark or not. After all, it’s not her table, is it? “Va bene, vecchio mio, how about you go ahead and make your offer?”, she says, her lips curled into a wolfish grin, “I don’t have all day, after all. Got some disloyal couriers I need to care of.”  Oh, the irony talking about disloyalty and treachery while she’s currently committing treason herself. It’s not wasted on her, that’s for sure, quite the opposite, really, it’s highly appreciated. The thought that the Capulets have no idea what might be coming for them, made this little meeting all so sweeter. Would serve them right for ignoring her potential.

___

murder tw

Leaning against the door frame, her arms crossed before her chest, she just stands there for a moment, her eyes focused on Ivan, the corners of her mouth curled up into a lazy half-smirk. “Looks like you have the luck of having the best partner possible today”, she says as she pushes herself away from the frame and heads towards him. From everybody else, these words would have been meant as a joke and yet, even though there’s a slightly amused, teasing intonation to them, she’s dead honest. She might not have been a part of the Capulets for as long as other members, but Grace still knows she’s better than a lot of them. At his slightly amused “and I assume that special one is supposed to be you”, she gives him a little smirk and shrugs her shoulders just slightly. “What can I say? It’s not arrogant if it’s true.” Not that she’d care either way. Caring about what other people think of you is something reserved for pathetic people who aren’t sure of themselves. And she most certainly doesn’t belong in that category. “Sei pronto?” The little smirk still present on her lips, she puts the hand on the gun on her left hip. As a little extra backup, there’s a knife safely stored in the right back pocket of her jeans, hidden by her leather jacket. “Sí.” She’s ready in every possible meaning, eager to, hopefully, get her hands on some real action. Sure, this mission isn’t supposed to turn violent. It’s only planned as some sort of check-up meets interrogation to find out if the rumors are true and they’ve really gone behind their back and are dealing with the enemy. But then again, you could never know how they’d react to this checkup, right? And a girl could still hope, after all. 

Slowly but self-assured they head straight towards the building that, their silhouettes one with the shadows of the containers. Every now and signal horns of approaching container ships disturb the silence, but apart from that, there’s complete silence. It’s quite peaceful, actually, she can’t help but notice and at the irony, the hint of a smile sneaks onto her lips. It’s so peaceful that nobody would expect the attack that is going to happen within a few minutes. Which, frankly, makes it even more fun. There’s nothing quite like taking something wholesome and peaceful and turning it upside down. Judging from the information they got, it’s gonna be a relatively easy job from the information they got. Three people top, most likely only lightly armed. They aren’t expecting an interrogation not to mention an attack any time soon, it’ll be like taking candy from a child.

After exchanging another glance with Ivan, she kicks the door open. “Ciao, stronzi.”Charming as ever, she flashes a wolfish grin at them. If they wanted somebody who’s all polite and diplomatic, they wouldn’t have paired Ivan up with her and so she sees no need to be anybody but her usual, charming self. However, for now, she lets Ivan take charge of the conversation. It’s more his style anyway. She prefers to stand there leaning against the door - these fuckers better don’t assume they could get past her - and casually playing with her knife as not that subtle thread while she attentively observes the interaction, ready to jump into action at any howsoever small, wrong movement. 

It doesn’t take long, only a few questions to realize that their source was right, these bastardi are trying to cheat them out of their profit. They realize almost as quickly that their cover has blown as Ivan and she do and pull their guns. Too bad it’s only almost. Without thinking about twice, Grace throws her knife, aiming right at the left guy’s forehead. Ivan reacts just as quickly, taking out the other guy with one unerring shot. Everything happened so quickly, that it takes her a moment to fully process what just happened. Completely collected on the outside, she stares at the dead body in front of her with some morbid curiosity. Even though she’s already seen her fair share of dead bodies ever since having joined the Capulets, it’s the first time she’s responsible for one. It’s an intriguing feeling, really. A part of her is well aware of she should feel at least some sort of regret or guilt. And yet, there’s nothing of that crap on her mind. The only thing she feels is excitement and satisfaction. It felt good to bury that knife between his eyes before he could even fully realize what was about to happen, it still does, to be honest. Slowly she steps closer to the corpse and pulls the knife out of it without flinching. She’s never been afraid of blood and she most certainly isn’t going to start that now. If anything there’s something quite satisfying about seeing your work in all its unholy glory. Is this what it feels like to be God? This rush of power of having just ended one life simply because you chose to do so? For a moment longer, her eyes are focused on the body, eying it almost thoughtfully, before she turns back around to Ivan. “Well, this didn’t exactly turn out as planned”, she says, the hint of a smile in the corners of her mouth betraying her words. “Too bad we didn’t get to question them further before blowing their brains out, though. The info whether they decided to cheat on us all of a sudden on their own or were instigated by somebody else wouldn’t have been the worst to have.” It’s not like she particularly cares about the answer, what this answer could have gotten her recognition wise is the much more interesting question. Ah well, what’s done is done. She shrugs slightly as she wipes the blood of the knife on her jeans before putting it back into the back pocket. “Let’s go check out if we can find some more information on what these idiots were up to. Maybe they were stupid enough to store some important documents here that give us a better idea of how far this whole little boycott goes and if other business partners of us are involved.” Eliminating two traitors might be useful and a nice accomplishment, but it’s not enough for her. No, she seeks something more impressive to bring back to the headquarters. After all ‘nice’ accomplishments, didn’t exactly allow you to climb higher on the mob’s hierarchy, won’t get her the recognition she deserves and craves.

___

 Everett Craven - Emissary. Easton Craven - Captain. And darling Regina promoted as well.  Even hours later, her fingers grab the glass of Scotch in her hands more firmly, the knuckles from the pressure she exerts, the rest of her body just as tense. Honestly, if this was one big fucking joke it wasn’t remotely funny. And despite her rather unique, wicked sense of humor she could usually see a joke for what it is. Although it had to be one - it’d be the only explanation that made some sort of sense -, she knows it’s not. It’s the fucking reality that everybody, who so much as breaths, gets a fucking promotion. Hell, even on the Montague side, promotions are a dime a dozen and everybody gets one. A dry, sarcastic laugh dies in her throat before she can get it out. Everybody but her that is. It seems like no matter what she does, it’s just not good enough. Like she’s nothing but a slightly tamed but rabid dog you can’t fully control but the perfect tool for threatening and intimidating your enemies. The one you send out to do all the dirty, bloody, disgusting work nobody else is willing to get their hands dirty on. She takes a sip of her drink, the burning sensation of the liquor running down her throat is a welcome distraction and yet, it isn’t nearly enough to burn away the frustration. And she does what they want like the good dog she, apparently, is. Does jobs nobody else would want to do if they don’t have a choice, just to prove her worth. Follows orders, even though somebody like Henry Zhang - the thought of her Captain is enough to roll her eyes - really couldn’t handle her under any other circumstances. Plays nice with men like Faron Vasilev just to get in his good graces and have him speak out for her. Even now she can still smell his cologne, the air of arrogance and entitlement surrounding men like him. It tastes sour in the back of her mouth, her. Maybe she should have tried sleeping with him while she still had the chance, seemed to have worked out perfectly for that puta Calina, after all. She even plasters a (more or less) friendly smile she plasters on her face every time Damiano walks past her and keeps her mouth shut, even when they talk bullshit. Her stomach twists and turns. They could drop dead this instant for all she cares and yet, she still plays nice. 

And for what? A small part of her mind that is still capable of thinking straight knows that she might just haven’t been a part of the Montagues long enough to earn the position of Captain. Castora has been a Montague for longer than her, it’s true. But Damiano wanted her. With one loud, shrieking noise, a glass breaks into a million shards as Grace throws it against the wall, not giving a damn if its ember content ruins the wall. He invited her personally into the fold and she deigned to accept that invitation. And yet, she’s still left with nothing. Maybe she really should have slit his throat right there during that meeting that promised to be a turning point. Frowning just slightly, her lips curled up into a sneer, the drops of liquor on the wall turning into crimson red bloodstains in her mind. She could have painted the walls red with mighty Damiano’s blood. She should have. That at least ought to have earned her a promotion with the Capulets. And yet, she’d resisted, had believed the stronzo’s golden lies of how they could achieve something great together, of how he could offer her more than Cosimo ever could. She’d known that he couldn’t make her Captain right away, that wasn’t how things worked. Anybody, who’d promoted somebody who’d only just been accepted into the fold (not to mention from the opposing side) was plain stupid, Grace understood that. But hasn’t she waited long enough now? Isn’t it time for her patience and hard work to finally be rewarded? And instead, she simply gets overlooked again. 

It’s not the first time she’s been overlooked, she should be used to it by now. She used to be the center of their parents’ universe, until her younger sisters - it’s an insult really, not a term of endearment -, took it away from her. After all, ever since darling Cat came into the world with her blonde locks and angelic nature, their father would choose the younger over her, dote on her instead of always on her like he used to. Memories of a little Cat, innocence come to life, run through her mind and she scowls. Her sweetness tastes like acid on her tongue, always has. And Regina took away the recognition and respect of the Capulets. The thought of her passionless, disinterested attitude alone is enough for her body to tense up and yearn for something else to punch bloody. How can somebody be so bland and yet so successful? Grace has always been fire and action and still, no matter how intense and destructive her fire, Regina’s hollowness seems to swallow it whole. If she ever felt a small flicker of sisterly love it’s long gone, she should have killed both long ago. Should have drowned them both like you did with unwanted puppies and kittens. Being overlooked is certainly nothing new so she really should be used to it by now. And yet, it hurts all the same, the sting of rejection, of not being good enough or enough, really. Whatever she does, she always gets overlooked for somebody else. For somebody who doesn’t want it nearly as much as she does. Who wouldn’t be as a great fit for the position as she would. She knows she can do better than all of them, why won’t anybody see it? Why won’t anybody see her for the potential that she has to offer?

For a time, it seemed like Damiano Montague saw it, saw her. That he would value her like the Capulets never did. And now she knows how wrong she’s been. Red painted lips twist into a sneer as she forgoes the thought of getting another glass and grabs the bottle instead. One sip, then another. She could empty the whole bottle, drink herself into oblivion and the liquor still couldn’t wash away the all-consuming feeling of humiliation cutting through her intestines like a hot burning iron. How utterly stupid she’d been. If she’s completely honest, it hurts almost just as much as the disappointment and rejection that she’s partially to blame for her misery. She should have been smart enough to see through Damiano’s empty promises. Eyes focused on the wall in front of her, she glares a hole. One rapid breath, another, her body tensing with every single one - then she punches it, only barely noticing the dull pain quickly spreading from the via the arm to her shoulder or the sting of the bloody, torn open knuckles. She should have at least thought in greater detail about how her chances at a promotion, at validation, are, if she stayed with the Capulets. After all, if colorless, hollow Regina managed to get two promotions, it should be out of the question that she would have made it to Captain during that time. She needs to believe she would have. Her stomach slumps at the mere prospect of not having made the cut either way. No, everything else is unacceptable. And yet, despite priding herself on her cleverness, she allowed herself to be blinded her own and ambition. It’d felt so good to be seen, to have your potential and talent acknowledged, to be recognized for what difference you could make if you changed the teams, that she’d gladly taken the opportunity offered to her on a silver platter. The Capulets never valued her, so why should she burden herself with them if somebody else could offer her the opportunity to finally rise to the station she knows she deserves? Her eyes fixed on the mess she just created - the shards, her bleeding knuckles, the ruined wall - she can’t hold back cynical laughter any longer. It’s too much of a representation of the rest of her life. After all,  as it now turns out, neither do the Montagues really see and value her. She desperately wants to say that it’s their loss, that it’ll be their own ruin. And it probably will be. But if she’s completely honest, right now, it is her loss. She’s the one who has to deal with the humiliation of having switched sides for nothing. To have made a traitor of herself for nothing. To have started again from scratch basically for absolutely nothing. 

Extras:

A Mockblog can be found here. Pls ignore the ugliness, I couldn’t be bothered to make it fancy as I’d only use it to reblog stuff from if I should get accepted anyway.

You can find a pinterest board here.

MB Type: ESTP-A - The Entrepreneur

Eneagram Type: Type 8 - The Challenger (81%)                            Type 3 - The Achiever (61%)

Moral Alignment: Chaotic Evil

The Four Temperaments: Choleric

Archetypes: Rebel (56%) - The Wild Woman, The Criminal & The Rebel                      Explorer (22%) - The Adventurer & The Explorer                      Royal (22%) - The Excecutive, The Bully & The Greenvy

[brishu]

Everybody’s Heart’s in the Same Fucking Place

My shift at the Park Slope Food Coop is usually the first Saturday of the month (A Week). I am the squad leader for the 8:30 PM Food Processing shift and, for the past 9 years, I have amassed a spotless record of showing up drunk. Sometimes I wonder if a non-shift encounter with any of my squadmates would make them think, “There’s something different about you right now.” Under my drunken helm, nobody’s cut themselves on a cheese slicer or box cutter or tape roll blade. And for the most part nobody’s emerged from the coop’s basement after two and a half hours getting bossed around by a booze-soaked contrarian nursing any grievous emotional injuries. Actually, more often than not, somebody doing a make-up or holding up their end of a shift swap enjoys their time so much that they try to join our squad. 

But this is the Park Slope Food Coop and the self-righteousness is as abundant as the kale. I am not the first grump to notice that some people base their most cherished beliefs on whose approval they gain. Why would you want to brutalize the planet to access natural gas when you can oppose it and feel like you’re marching right alongside Mark Ruffalo? Would you rather your foreign policy views align with the sneering, bomb-happy conservatism of Norman Podhoretz or the serene brilliance of Noam Chomsky? These are obtuse dichotomies, to be sure. So here’s a specific one: I am skeptical of the gun control movement. Less than 10 minutes of research can tell anybody who wants to know that more than 1 million AR-15s get sold each year. For those who might stagger in horror at a number that high, I’d ask you to take a moment and consider some other information that sales figure connotes. Personally, I’m extremely reluctant to demonize that many people I don’t know. Setting aside the implicit interpersonal dynamics lecture and moving from cursory research to wonkier statistics, we can learn that mass shootings account for less than 1% of gun deaths in a given year. In 2017, 39,773 people were killed by guns in America. 23,854 or 60% were suicides, and of the 14,542 or 37% that were homicides, 117 fatalities fit the legal definition of “mass shooting.” If this sounds like I’m trying to minimize the horror inspired by mass shootings in America, it’s because I am. Does this mean I side with gun owners over victims of these atrocities? No, it does not. It means I reject the notion that those are the two sides pitted against each other. And I will assert that fear of losing a loved one in a mass shooting is about as mathematically sound as treating a lottery ticket like a reliable path to wealth. But there’s actual likelihood, and then there’s media-spurred terror. So I’m not exactly raring to see a penstroke turn several million law-abiding citizens into criminals just because an incident I heard about in the news upset me.

Anyway, I only mention this because one time a young guy doing a make-up on my Food Processing shift started lecturing me about the correlation between Scandinavian rights to bear arms (according to him, they have none) and the number of gun-related deaths they suffer there. And yes alcohol was a factor but I got really pissed off at this guy. In retrospect, I should have been patient and respectful as he regurgitated his boilerplate arguments. But I guess I was too busy getting rankled by his presumption that only cretins unworthy of respect could harbor views as indifferent to human suffering as mine, instead of thinking, “Hmm, this guy seems pretty smart and he’s rocking a terrific playlist and everyone on his squad seems to like him a lot so maybe there’s more to his viewpoint than my kneejerk assumptions have led me to believe.” So I unleashed a bunch of other data and upbraided him for being so obtuse that he presumed my suspicions about anti-gun rhetoric amounted to my being a MAGA-head. The basement got tense and I apologized for making things awkward for everyone and changed subjects to talk about movies (whereupon our anti-gun crusading dried mango bagger announced that he was boycotting Miramax’s ouevre. Good for him.). 

For years, our shift occurred the night before the Superbowl and the night before the Oscars and we worked hard to stock the shelves upstairs with enough cheeses, olives, nuts, dried fruits, teas and spices to sate the frenzied consumption that is de rigueur on these particular Sundays. Eventually, A-Week Saturday rotated away and it was up to some other squad to work like Santa’s unpaid elves to meet the demands on Pepper Jack and Brie. But somehow our shift remains on the one Saturday night when I refuse to exert myself (or get shitfaced): Marathon Eve. 

So last year I swapped shifts with someone who liked our squad so much that she joined. My policy is that as long as you show up with some regularity, you’re welcomed warmly on our shift. We care about each other’s families and careers, opinions on matters political and artistic, and general well-being. This is less some sort of management strategy enacted to optimize productivity than a simple extension of the good will I feel toward nearly all people and certainly all Food Processors (even the Pulp Fiction boycotter who pronounces Weinstein incorrectly). Now. At our shift in August, the subject of the coop’s long, tortured debate on carrying Israeli products came up. I love this subject, even though I disagree with almost every other view anybody has on it. I don’t agree with ardent supporters of Boycott, Divestments and Sanctions, and I certainly don’t agree with the ultra-orthodox Jews who consider all criticism of Israel tantamount to Naziism.

My first exposure to this debate was at a General Meeting in the summer of 2012. The meeting was held in the ballroom of Congregation Beth Elohim, of which we are members. People I expected to shoot down anything anti-Israel (because they looked like elderly Jews) stood up passionately decrying coop complicity in Israeli policies they already unwillingly supported by paying taxes. And then some younger people with tattoos and gender fluidity vibes stood up in defense of selling Israeli products. The debate was passionate but civil. I found all arguments convincing and simply loved being in a room among people who cared so deeply about doing the right thing. Ultimately the boycotters advanced their initiative one more rung along the coop’s bureaucracy, and the next General Meeting would include a vote on whether to have a coop-wide referendum to BDS or not to BDS. 

This meeting got so much publicity that the coop needed to rent a larger space, so 1,600 or 10% of all Park Slope Food Coop members filed into the auditorium at Brooklyn Tech. BDS advocates who were not coop members stood outside leafleting attendees, while school buses ferried several minyanim of ultra-orthodox Jews. Unlike this meeting’s predecessor, the tone was not civil and the arguments were not convincing. They were hystrionic pleas that transparently appealed to each speaker’s own moral vanity. Lost in the debate was any consideration for practical details like how much it would cost to stage a coop-wide referendum, or have the BDSers found alternative, morally acceptable sources for vegan marshmallows? And meanwhile, it became very clear, very quickly that the measure to hold a referendum was going to get voted down. So the series of speakers dabbling in petty-demagoguery was a depressing waste of time. 

Two months later, at a meeting I did not attend, the issue came up again, and aroused such anger that a physical altercation occurred. After that, the subject was banned from future General Meetings. While appreciating the moral passion on all sides, my personal view was that people who wanted to boycott should, but they had to acknowledge that other coop members wanted to buy these supposedly blood-soaked products and depriving them of that right felt like some kind of tyranny too. 

Anyway, the tortured history of the debate comes up every now and then and I always love hearing what other people think, and also amplifying my own view that the passions that made the debate inflammatory are part of what makes the coop so special to me. So during our August shift, the woman who had swapped with me on the first Saturday of November, 2018, said with no compunction whatsoever that Israel was guilty of genocide. And despite my inebriation (that night I had done most of my drinking at a dear friend’s surprise 60th birthday party), I was able to express disagreement with this term, and assurance that, whereas many people would hear that and go through a series of internal reactions that would result in antipathy toward the issuer of such a serious charge, I understood that her beliefs were motivated by a desire to do the right thing, whatever that may be. Now she may have thought that I was just another Jew defending the indefensible. And I may have thought she was just another self-righteous ignoramus who prizes wokeness over common sense. But speaking for myself, nobody’s just another anything. In my consumption of online commentary, I see a lot of “[that] tells you all you need to know about her.” And it amazes me that this is an acceptable way to rest your personal case against a person who is always more complex, and usually well-meaning, than you presume when you decide that one view, or one errant phrase is a full representation of another person’s soul. That the practice of basing a holistic view of another person on one political position is so blithely unexamined suggests to me that anxieties underlying our need to close our minds are the real problem. 

I got annoyed with my fellow squad member. In truth I’m still kind of annoyed, both with her, and with the consortium of opinion that sent her forth believing that accusing Israel of genocide is the right thing to do. And it would be more comfortable for me to let my annoyance snowball into full-blown contempt (spurred at some level by the same anxieties which lead to over-eager mind-closing), to tie her incorrect view of my people’s national homeland to the neuroses her parenting has visited on her daughter, even to her insufficient appreciation of my marathon running, all of which are trumped up charges to be sure. Plenty of people would do exactly this, with no real consequence. They’d condemn this person because her version of doing the right thing is in opposition to theirs. Where is the conscience that holds condemnation at bay? 

Either way, while I feel alright about being able to see the light in this person despite my ethyl-clouded mindframe augmenting the shadows cast by her risible political views, I still struggle to find the balance between advancing views I know to be correct with being more of a conduit than a catalyst. And it also feels unfair that I agonize over this stuff only to see significantly less introspective people exert greater influence. But none of that will stop me from getting rip-roaring drunk before my next coop shift.

[mslanna]

Bound Within Us

Today on things you wouldn’t expect on a reyder blog: this.

Sara/Sloane one shot. Also on AO3

Only Sara Ryder could get away with sitting on Sloane’s throne alive. The Queen of Kadara watched the crumpled Pathfinder lying in a corner of the room, trying to get her bearings and failing. She was way too drunk. And, as pointed out, still alive.

Kaetus had teased Sloane for getting soft. She had made a point of taking him down a few notches. If there was one thing Sloane had no time for, it was the growing soft spot for Ryder. She resented Vidal for bringing her. She resented Umi for filling Sara up with whatever it was she mixed up these days. And Sloane most definitely resented Sara for dancing on the tables with not a worry in the world.

Every person with a shred of sexual attraction in the room was compromised. Sloane pinched her nose. She was not asexual. She was obviously Sara-sexual. It was a most unfortunate thing. Sloane drummed her fingers on the armrest. Something needed to be done.

Sara was slowly getting to her feet again. Kaetus had been gentle enough, but for him that meant ‘only’ shoving her down the few steps to the throne into a convenient corner. Sloane let out a frustrated sigh. Enough thought wasted on the Pathfinder. She had a party to run. Ryder made that easier by leaving. Sloane exhaled slowly. Back to business.

Sloane hadn’t expected Ryder to return the following day. The Pathfinder looked tired but not halfway as hungover as she should. On the other hand there was a steak of embarrassment on her features that was pleasing.

“What do you want?” Sloane asked gruffly.

“Uh.” Sara came to a stop a few paces away and fidgeted. “I guess, I came to apologies.”

“You guess?” Sloane was open for other reasons, none of which she spelt out to herself. They were most improper.

“They way I acted at the party-”

“You saved me the trouble of hiring entertainment,” Sloane cut her of.

“Ah, that. Yes.” A smile crept onto Sara’s face. “I meant sitting on your throne. That was uncalled for.”

“It was indeed.” Sloane caved and propped her right foot up on aforementioned throne.

“I-” Sara hesitated. “I just wanted to say thank you for not having me killed.”

“Maybe Kaetus didn’t understand the brief.” Sloane would not admit to anything.

“H wouldn’t dare oppose you. And he’d rectify the mistake,” Sara added after a short pause. “But here I am. Still breathing.”

“Don’t take that for granted,” Sloane threatened.

Unfortunately, Sara did not seem to take that seriously. She smiled and nodded. “If my normal breathing isn’t to your liking, I am sure there’s ways to adjust it to something more pleasing. You know where to find me.”

Sloane snorted. It was definitely disgust. She also watched the retreating back of Sara closely, making sure the obnoxious woman rally left. What an ass.

Pathfinder Ryder had her paws all over Kadara and Sloane did not like it. Her repeated association with Reyes did not sit well with Kadara’s leader either. The solution had been easy and obvious: create opportunities for Sara to work with the Outcasts instead. To her credit Ryder accepted. That goody two shoes would do anything if she thought it’d help her people. Whoever those fabled people were supposed to be. Kadara’s citizens belonged to her, Sloane.

The jobs gave Sara plenty of excuses to swing by and she chose to use each and every of them. The Pathfinder was a familiar sight in her throne room. It was disturbing and delightful. Sara still believed she could help by doing the right thing. She worked her pretty ass off trying to put everything right. It was cute.

Sloane wasn’t sure what would happen to the starry-eyes Pathfinder the day she found out that you could not save everybody and that life demanded cruel decisions. Some part of her hoped it never came to that. Another of those useless things she thought with the young woman around. Totally useless. Unworldly.

On the other hand, Sara became uncannily good at reading her mood. Sloane was not sure she approved. Being read meant the other did have an advantage. Not that Sara was difficult to understand. She wore her heart on her sleeve and was honest to a fault. It was a miracle she hadn’t gotten herself killed yet.

A miracle, Sloane was determined to unravel. That was one of the official reasons she joined the Pathfinder and Kaetus destroying the secret kett base. Another was that Sloane didn’t need nobody to do her dirty work. Unlike the Charlatan, she could and would do her killing herself.

When they arrived, Sara was about to start the shooting on her own. “Impatient, are we?” Sloane hoped her patronising tone would rile the young woman up enough to avoid questions as to why she was here. Yes, she did have answers, but a part of her doubted that Sara was buying into them.

“Sloane, I wasn’t expecting you.” Sara’s eyes wandered all over her body, taking in the added weapons. Among other things. This was not going in the right direction, even though it was not a direction Sloane minded, apart from being totally out of the question.

“She wouldn’t take no for an answer,” Kaetus spoke up giving her the cue.

“I’m not going to let someone else fight my battles. Especially an Initiative lapdog.” There, back to the vitriol. Perfect.

Sara straightened up in an attempt to look threatening. “You were happy enough to have this ‘lap dog’ track down information for you.”

“That’s what dogs do,” Sloane replied in her most condescending manner, mirroring the motion with much more success as she walked up to the other woman. She stopped an inch from Sara’s face. “Fetch.”

Sara didn’t even flinch. Keeping her head in place just an inch from hers, her lips curved up in a grin. “Woof.”

Their lips were almost touching.

“Enough!” Kaetus was trying to step between them. A bold move, but Sara complied, taking a step back. But she did wink at Sloane with a shameless grin. Sloane wondered if she suspected and if so what. Also, she did have an AI at hand to help. How much information could that relate based on her vital signs?

“You’re such a grump when you’re worried.” Sloane patted Kaetus shoulder. He, at least, was safe territory. And before they could argue any further, the kett realised they were not alone. Staying alive in a fire fight was a welcome distraction. It left no place for idle thoughts on anything.

The kett were not storming at them aimlessly. They were using the cover they had put up and made an advance difficult. In theory. In practice, Sara Ryder charged at them biotically, flattening everybody close by and then picked out the survivors methodically. With a shotgun.

Sloane almost forgot to shoot herself. It was indeed a miracle the Pathfinder was still alive. Admittedly, her companions had all hands full keeping her back free and taking out enemies shooting at Sara from a distance. They were completely used to her tactics and compensating its flaws.

Its many flaws. Sloane shook her head as Sara charged the next group of kett. It was quite a show. She did enjoy it. It didn’t change anything though. Because there was nothing to change. Sara Ryder was a pain, an annoying itch. Scratching was out of the question. For political reasons. Because she was Initiative. Because Sloane Kelly worked alone and there was no place in her life for – well anybody.

She took her annoyance out on the kett, they never had a chance. The fight was as short as it was uneven. Sloane checked herself, but there were not even bruises and only a little dirt on her knees from crouching behind a stack of crates.

Sara on the other hand, she returned from the back of the cave covered in blood, gore and dirt head to toe as well as a grin that could infect all of Heleus. For as long as it lasted, Sloane enjoyed being the person this human disaster returned to. She really hoped that she had wiped her own grin away in time. Though, probably not.

“You’re welcome,” Sara said, enthusiasm pouring from her like a heatwave.

“Let’s get rid off the bodies.” Sloane said it to Kaetus, certain that anything she said to Sara right now would lead way astray. The idiot looked delicious.

“If you think dead bodies are more fun that me, I cannot help you.” Sara shrugged, disappointment dimming her appearance. “I’ll leave you to it.”

Sloane let out a long breath when she was gone. That woman was testing her. She appreciated and under other circumstances this would be a great thing to work out. But no matter how appealing Sara Ryder was, she was still Initiative and could not be trusted. Even if Sloane wanted to, which, obviously, she did not. At all.

Also, Sloane had a planet to run, a port to run and a gang to keep in line. There was just no time for exhilarating affairs. Yeah. Not even an affair. Which was definitely all she had in mind when she looked at Sara. Extremely casual sex, no holding hands or any of the sappy stuff. Of course not. She was was Sloane Kelly, Queen of Kadara. She didn’t do sappy.

Yet. Sloane squashed her inner voice.

Sloane Kelly sat on her throne, fingers drumming on the armrest in scattered staccato. She had propped up one leg in foresight of Sara’s visit. The advantages of sending out invitations. Though Sara popping in unannounced was appreciated, even if it was a strain on her temper. One day she would tackle that woman and chance would decide if she killed her or fucked her senseless.

Thinking of the devil, Sara walked up to her, looking around the empty room. “Where is everybody?”

“I told them to get out of my sight,” Sloane replied tartly.

“Take it someone pissed you off.” Sara said, making it more of a statement than a question.

“The Charlatan used my own people to beat up Kaetus.” Sloane was still mad. “He’s alive. Barely.”

“The Charlatan’s using Kaetus to put you on edge.”

“I know that.” Sloane did not question why Sara would feel it necessary to point that out. The pathfinder thought she understood her. Let her. She would find out how wrong she was eventually. Sloane did not care to be understood. “I didn’t call you here for a pity party.”

“Why did you call me?” Sara shrugged with a little smile on her lips. “Not that I’m complaining.”

“The Charlatan left a note on Kaetus body,” Sloane explained. She needed to concentrate on the facts here and the future of Kadara that rested on her. Soft lips quirking up in a gentle curve were not helping. “He wants to ‘settle things’ between us. Meeting spot is in Draullir.”

“Could be a trap.” Stars crush that woman, there was actual concern in Sara’s voice. The last thing Sloane needed now.

“You think?” Sloane put the sarcasm on extra high. “I can’t trust my own people, but you-” she had to reign in her tongue before it could spill what Sara was in great detail. “You’re an outsider,” she finished finally. It sounded lame, even to herself.

But half of this was giving Sara a reason to be around that was actually making sense. The slip-up at the kett hideout was not to be repeated. Sloane pushed away the image of Sara cutting through kett with a grin on her face and gore on her hands.

“And you’ve proven reasonable before.” there, she said it. Admitted right to Sara’s face that she didn’t consider her a completely lost cause.

Naturally, Sara had to take that and run further with it than warranted. “I’ll watch your back.” She smiled openly now. It felt like a challenge.

Sloane didn’t raise to the bait. It would not end well and probably take a while, too. She kept her eyes firmly on Sara’s face. “Kadara’s fate will be decided at this meeting. I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this but hey – shit happens, right? Meet me at the location, I’ll go ahead.”

“Hell you will.” Sara blocked her way. “If that is a trap I won’t let you go near that on your own.”

Sloane did not back away.

“Oh.” Sara’s smile turned sheepish. You didn’t mean to go alone. Right. Right.” She stepped aside. “Never mind me.”

Sloane walked past her with a snort and pretended not to hear, when Sara told her to be careful. Stupid Pathfinder.

Sara arrived at the meeting point in Draullir as fast as Sloane had allowed. The woman looked driven, it was a good look on her. “Took your sweet time,” she teased anyway.

“Couldn’t find my bullet-proof vest,” Sara replied. “Don’t want to get caught by stray fire.”

It was cute, considering Ryder was covered in armour from head to to. Sloane snorted. “Let’s get this over with.”

Having Sara at her back felt good. When it turned out that Reyes was actually the Charlatan, Sloane winced inwardly. Ryder had had her own dealings with Reyes. She didn’t seem to be too surprised either. Maybe bringing her as backup had been a mistake. Time would tell and Sara was not the only backup either. Sloane wasn’t that stupid.

The suggestion of a duel was even more surprising. But both sides viewed Ryder as impartial enough to act as witness and arbiter. She looked worried, though. Sloane didn’t blame her. It was a ridiculous idea. But it would end the conflict swiftly and immediately. She didn’t doubt that she could outdraw Reyes. He worked with his head more than with his own hands.

They began to circle each other. Sloane concentrated on Reyes, the position of his hands, the direction his eyes darted. To Sara, of course to Sara. Sloane didn’t follow suit. She had a duel to win.

Suddenly Sara lunged at her, throwing her to the ground shouting something. Then the shooting started. Sloane was glad she had not come alone, because it sounded as if the Charlatan hadn’t either. Also, holding Sara down, and incidentally close, to protect her from stay bullets was totally sensible. Unlike Sara who struggled to join the fray.

“Do you want to die?” Sloane hissed into her ear.

“Perhaps,” Sara replied.

“Then go ahead and do something stupid.” Sloane pushed her away a little.

But Sara had different plans. She propped herself up, face only an inch from Sloane’s and grinned. “Oh, I will.” Then she leant forward, pressing her chuckle against her lips.

Fuck that woman. Sloane decided that she was definitely on her to do list. But that was for later. She would not take this lying down. Her hand came up around Sara’s head, pulling her close. Sloane ended that laughter with a kiss that sucked the air out of Sara who docilely collapsed on top of her. Not that is stopped either of them.

They ignored the polite coughs and even the first gentle boot into the ribs. It took time to ease out of the hungry exchange. Sara’s eyes glowed from inside, trapping Sloane on the ground as effectively as any chains. But she had a planet to run.

Sloane put a hand against Sara’s face. “Later.”

“Later.” Sara grinned, if a little unhappy and took the chance to suck at Sloane’s thumb. “You know where to find me,” she added, when Sloane removed that item of amusement.

They got up. There were dead people scattered about. None of them looked like Reyes. A suspicion her men confirmed. But other than that is were more Collective dead than Outcast and she was not hurt. Not badly. Sloane rubbed her back where she had landed on a rock when Sara had tackled her.

Had she just told the Pathfinder they’d get it on later? Sloane glanced at Sara who winked and pretended to go on with business as usual. So she had. Well, good. The fight against that had been long, exhausting and actually the only one Sloane was ready to lose. She smiled tightly, remembering the press of Sara’s lips against hers, the taste of unbridled desire. Yeah, good for both of them.

[recentnews18-blog]

New Post has been published on https://shovelnews.com/michael-che-and-colin-jost-on-snl-hosting-the-emmys-and-hating-twitter/

Michael Che And Colin Jost On 'SNL,' Hosting The Emmys And Hating Twitter

Saturday Night Live head writers and Weekend Update hosts Colin Jost and Michael Che have different attitudes toward co-hosting the Emmy awards Monday night.

Jost admits to being nervous about hosting — especially when he thinks about the show ahead of time: “I’m thinking about it in advance. That’s more nerve racking than when you’re actually out on stage.”

Che, meanwhile, takes a more laid back approach to the show. “You can’t be nervous. It’s comedy,” he says. “If I was a fireman I’d be scared. Firemen should be afraid. … But for comedy, we’re literally going out there and we’re just going to tell some jokes and people are going to like them or not. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

As co-head writers for SNL Jost and Che are used to the high pressure. “Head writer” sounds like a great and lofty title, Che says, but it’s really more of a supervisory role — someone whose job it is to think about the show overall. “We’re competing to get stuff on just like any other writer,” he explains. “You don’t walk around with a big ol’ cigar or anything like that.”

As for what being a head writer means to Jost? He answers: “Great question, we would love someone to explain it to us.”

SNL is up for 21 Emmys — including a the award for outstanding writing for a variety series.

Interview Highlights

On writing the show up to the very last minute

Colin Jost: The first part [of the show] is usually the part that’s figured out last, which is what makes the job stressful.

Michael Che: Because the news cycle is so quick now that what seems relevant Monday probably won’t by Saturday.

Jost: [SNL executive producer] Lorne [Michaels] always talks about how the first 15 minutes of the show are the most important, because if you’re tuning in, that’s your real chance to hook a viewer. The monologue is such a tricky thing always, because you want to show off who this person is, maybe in a way you haven’t seen them before … and the cold open is such a different animal, and that’s constantly shifting. The number of weeks where the cold open and the monologue are both even vaguely figured out before Thursday, it almost never happens. If it does, you just cross your fingers that those will hold up by Saturday.

On what it was like to have Donald Trump host SNL when he was campaigning for president, and whether he would be interested in having Trump back on the show

Che: [It was] working with an unfunny, insecure dude. … For me, I don’t mind anybody being on the show, because I think something good can come out of anything in comedy. But I wouldn’t go for it [again]. … I don’t know what the “win” is. I don’t think people find him funny.

On behind-the-scenes at SNL after the 2016 presidential election with host Dave Chappelle

Jost: The next day when we were there for the table read, [Chappelle] was like, “The reason you’re in comedy is to react to things that are going on and make them funny, to find humor even in whatever’s the weird, darkest things. You have to figure out how to still put on a comedy show, because that’s why you’re doing this.” I think that was just the right motivation for everyone to try to put a show together by Saturday that was still a comedy show, and I think that was reflected in his monologue really well.

Che, on his decision to comment on comedian Louis C.K. returning to the stage after admitting to sexual misconduct

Che: I truly think him going onstage and not addressing anything was insane. I don’t fault the attempt of making it right; I do fault the execution of not making it right. I think everybody has the right to defend themselves. Everybody has the right to take the opportunity to clarify or apologize or make any bad situation right, but when you don’t do it, you can’t — it’s indefensible.

On disliking Twitter — Che deleted his account several years ago

Che: I don’t like Twitter, because no one is as angry as they say they are and no one is as happy as they say they are. It’s just kind of this land of hyperbole. I have a platform. We go on TV and we’re lucky enough to be able to tweet to a camera. It’s not for me. I just don’t like the way it makes people feel. I don’t like the way it makes people gang up on other people — justly or not, it’s just uncomfortable. I don’t like it at all. It’s just a cesspool of everybody just yelling at each other. Anger and extreme joy are the only voices that get heard on Twitter.

Jost: It also used to have a great function, because you’d follow comedians or your friends who were really funny and every time you’d go on you’d see a great joke. … Having Twitter on your phone is like being with a journalist that hates you 24 hours a day. Anything you say on that can be spun. Truly, that’s what you have to think of it as.

Che: It’s like walking around with the district attorney and everything you say is just going to the district attorney.

Heidi Saman and Thea Chaloner produced and edited this interview for broadcast. Bridget Bentz, Molly Seavy-Nesper and Beth Novey adapted it for the Web.

Copyright 2018 Fresh Air. To see more, visit Fresh Air.

TERRY GROSS, HOST:

This is FRESH AIR. I’m Terry Gross. My guests are Colin Jost and Michael Che, the anchors of “Saturday Night Live’s” “Weekend Update.” They’re also preparing to host the Emmys Monday night, and they’re nominated along with “SNL’s” other writers for best writing for a variety series. Last January, they became head writers of “SNL.” Jost had held that position once before but gave it up after becoming an update anchor. “SNL’s” new season begins September 29. Let’s start with a clip from one of last season’s final episodes. Here’s Jost and Che on May 5.

(SOUNDBITE OF TV SHOW, “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE”)

COLIN JOST: This Stormy Daniels payment has turned out to be the loudest hush money in history. And during his “Kings Of Dementia” comedy tour, Giuliani…

(LAUGHTER)

JOST: …Giuliani also said that the hush money was, quote, “funneled through a law firm.” Dude, funneled is not typically a word innocent people use when talking about money.

(LAUGHTER)

JOST: No one says, yeah, my grandma funneled me $5 in my birthday card.

(LAUGHTER)

MICHAEL CHE: Rudy Giuliani is claiming that President Trump only learned a week ago that he was reimbursed in Michael Cohen’s payment to Stormy Daniels in $35,000 installments. I have a couple questions.

(LAUGHTER)

CHE: Like, what kind of billionaire pays for stuff in installments?

(LAUGHTER)

CHE: You’re the president of the United States. Why are you paying for sex like it’s a NordicTrack?

(LAUGHTER)

CHE: And how did y’all land on $130,000? That’s such an oddly specific number. I asked Stormy to come on “Update” and explain it, but her agent said no because if she’s seen on camera with a black guy, her price goes down.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSS: Colin Jost, Michael Che, welcome back to FRESH AIR. Congratulations on your writing nomination and on hosting. Before we get to other things, I want to talk with you about, regarding the Emmys and “SNL,” you know, I’m thinking as we record this Wednesday afternoon, East Coast time, it’s earlier than that on the West Coast, where you are. There’s a hurricane, like, a catastrophic hurricane, heading toward the Carolinas. And that’s something that you might have to – like, assuming the hurricane is anything like what they’re saying it will be, that’s something you’ll probably have to address at the Emmys. And, you know, it’s really awkward to have a celebration when people are suffering like that. So is that something you’re thinking through? Like, how are you going to deal with it?

JOST: Yeah. I don’t know. I mean, it definitely crossed my mind yesterday. I mean, you never really know what’s going to happen leading up to a big event because you’re planning it for so long and then something could dominate the news that day. But when it’s something that’s a tragedy, again, we don’t know exactly what’s going to happen yet. But the biggest thing, I think, sometimes we face at “SNL” is you want to show as much support as you can. And, you know, you want to use that moment to maybe just actually raise money for people who are there because you have a mouthpiece to tell people, go online, give money. The people in that room have money, generally. And, you know, you hope you can make it a moment just even to get support for those people.

GROSS: So the last time we spoke, Donald Trump was a presidential candidate. He wasn’t the president. It was just, like, days before the election. So the first show after the election, Dave Chappelle hosted. Chris Rock made a guest appearance. A Tribe Called Quest were the music guest. These were all people with, like, strong political points of view. And instead of an opening sketch, the opening was Kate McKinnon dressed as Hillary at the piano singing Leonard Cohen’s song, “Hallelujah.” And she ended it by saying, I’m not giving up, and neither should you. Can you take us behind the scenes a little bit and tell us what it was like, after the president was elected, trying to figure out what the first show of post-election Trump era should be?

JOST: Well, the sort of, like, amazing move from Lorne was that he had offered him that date, like, at the end of that summer. So I think he just sensed that whatever was going to happen in the election was going to be this huge moment, and he wanted to make sure whoever the host was would be someone that could deal with that and who, at that moment, people in America wanted to hear from. And that’s – I mean, Dave is basically the ideal person to do that. So he had the foresight to book that way in advance.

And then that night, you know, the election night was insane because you – I don’t know, I assumed, like, most people probably thought Hillary was going to win. And you were watching the results come in. And, you know, people were having all kinds of reactions around the office. It was very intense. And you’re then trying to write comedy and, you know, not everyone even attempted to write comedy. Some people, understandably, were very upset.

And Dave was the perfect host at that moment because the next day when we were there for the table read, you know, he was just like, the reason you’re in comedy is to react to things that are going on and make them funny, to find humor even in whatever is the weird, darkest things. You have to figure out how to still put on a comedy show ’cause that’s why you’re doing this. And I think that was just the right kind of motivation for everyone to try to put a show together by Saturday that was still a comedy show. And, you know, I think that was reflected in his monologue really well.

GROSS: So you all watched the election results at the office?

JOST: Yeah. I mean, we were there. Tuesday night is our writing night. So we’re basically there all night. You’re mostly there all night until the table read, which is Wednesday afternoon. You kind of go straight through. So normally, it would have been a later start than normal because you’re watching election results roll in. But then it was even more delayed because people were processing what was happening. I mean, it was just very shocking. Whatever – you know, whatever you expected going in, I think it was still shocking.

GROSS: So I’m asking some of these questions ’cause you’re head writers as well as “Update” anchors. Who came up with the idea of Kate McKinnon as Hillary singing “Hallelujah?”

JOST: Chris Kelly and Sarah Schneider and Kate had an idea of doing some kind of song. I forget what the original – I think they had a different song originally. But they had the idea of doing something in that vein. But I don’t know if it was just Kate or if it was a whole group from the cast. I forget the original version or original origin of it. And then I know Lorne had thought of “Hallelujah” because Leonard Cohen had just – I think he had just died that week or…

GROSS: That’s right.

JOST: …Before? I forget the exact timing. And I think he just thought that might be a song that would be – that would seem sort of doubly appropriate in some way.

GROSS: So getting back to “Update,” when you do “Update” on Saturday night, it’s really Sunday morning on the East Coast ’cause by the time, you know, you’re on, it’s after midnight. Every late-night comic has done bits on the week’s news. And so, like, you’re kind of, like, late to the game in that respect. So how do you find things that are going to feel fresh at the very, very end of the week or the very beginning of the new week?

CHE: Fortunately, there’s not a lot of people that I think think like me. So I never really have a problem with finding interesting takes because I feel like when you kind of do your own thing, it’s not going to bump. You know? If I have a thought and five other comedians have that same thought then I’d feel like it’s not even worth saying. You know?

GROSS: What’s an example of a joke that you can say that you feel like other comics can’t? Can you think of one?

CHE: Well, nobody else is calling the president a cracker on national TV.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSS: Yeah (laughter). That got you a lot of love.

(LAUGHTER)

CHE: Yeah. It sure did.

(LAUGHTER)

GROSS: What kind of reaction were you…

CHE: And also…

GROSS: …Expecting? Yeah. Go ahead. No. I’m kind of being sarcastic. You got it from both sides for that.

CHE: Of course.

GROSS: Yeah.

CHE: But to me, that’s interesting. That’s compelling TV.

GROSS: So…

CHE: ‘Cause there’s a lot of – I think there’s a lot of people that felt that way and was probably thinking it, as well. And I think there’s a lot of people that understood where that emotion was coming from. Sometimes – you know, it’s the same with Kate at the piano. People watching it, and some people liked it. Some people didn’t. But the thing is you believe Kate felt that, and that’s what makes it interesting. So it was honest. You know? It really came from her. It really came from a real place.

GROSS: So – yeah. Go ahead.

JOST: That week, too – I was just remembering, too, that week, I forget if we worked on it later in the week together, Che, too. But on election night, too, then we woke up after the next day or, like, you know, in our office. But I was – Neal Brennan was there, too, working on the show. He’s a writer. He worked with Chappelle on “Chappelle’s Show.” But we wrote a sketch that was in the show that week that was about the election results coming in and people watching and sort of a time lapse of how the night went as the results came in. And we wrote that essentially in response to what was happening in real time in our office that night before because, you know, the discussions were – you know, it was sort of like early joking around. Like, uh-oh, Hillary didn’t win Alabama. I bet – watch out. And then it got to, like, wait; she’s going to lose Michigan. It was like – it was that kind of thing.

And it was perfect for Dave and Chris Rock, who came in and did it, too, later in the week because they were not surprised. They were like, yeah, of course. This is how America’s going to go. And it was – they could play that attitude in the sketch. And it kind of reflected what was actually – what we were all actually figuring out in real time that night.

And I think when we read it at the table on Wednesday, which is, you know, the day after the election obviously. When we read it at the table read, it didn’t even necessarily play that hot because people were also kind of – it was very raw, so no one really wanted to relive what had just happened the night before in sketch form. But then by the – by Saturday, I think people were ready to at least laugh about it even if it was in a cathartic way. And I think that was another one where, like, Dave and Chris were perfect for that kind of – to come in and have that perspective.

CHE: It’s very helpful to have a veteran or legendary comedian like Dave where you kind of – you know, I think one of the things that years in comedy gets you is trust. And people understand how honest you are. And I think it’s a little bit more – it makes people more comfortable when they know that you’re about to speak. And it’s something that we all write toward. And hopefully someday we will create that kind of relationship with the audience.

So coming from other comedians, it might have even been a really, really tough plane to land. But Dave being who he is and people understanding how measured Dave is as a – just as a voice and as a role model I think – coming from him, it worked perfectly because I think people believed it. People said, yeah, I could see that there are people – black people and people of color that seen this happen and was probably like, yep, America’s right on time with this one, you know?

JOST: (Laughter).

CHE: I think that was kind of the tone that he was trying to – that was kind of the point. And it was kind of cool to watch because not – like I said, not a lot of shows can get away with that. And not a lot of comedians can get away with that, and so that’s what makes our show special.

GROSS: Well, let’s take a short break here, and then we’ll talk some more. If you’re just joining us, my guests are Colin Jost and Michael Che, the anchors of “Weekend Update.” They’re head writers on “Saturday Night Live.” And they’re preparing to host the Emmys on Monday. We’ll be right back. This is FRESH AIR.

(SOUNDBITE OF TONY Z’S “IT’S ALL THE SAME”)

GROSS: This is FRESH AIR. And if you’re just joining us, my guests are Colin Jost and Michael Che, anchors of “Weekend Update,” head writers at “Saturday Night Live.” And now they’re preparing to host the Emmys on Monday.

So what is the job of head writer?

JOST: Great question. I mean, we would love someone to explain it to us.

GROSS: (Laughter).

CHE: Yeah, it’s a great title. People think – when they hear head writer, they think, oh, that’s the guy that writes everything and delegates. But it’s really not. It’s really more of kind of a supervisor role. But we’re competing to get stuff on just like any other writer, you know? There’s no – you don’t walk around with a big old cigar or anything like that.

(LAUGHTER)

CHE: It’s not like the brochure.

JOST: No, it’s very – and very often, the – some of the time – usually the writers that are – there’s writers that are getting the most on that aren’t the head writer…

CHE: Yeah.

JOST: …Because sometimes as a head writer, you’re stuck in meetings for a while. You’re talking to the host in a different way, or you’re more hearing ideas than you are getting to write your own. So you still definitely contribute as a writer. And part of it I think is sort of trying to lead by example and just write things you think are funny.

And then the other part of it is trying as much as you can to help newer writers if they have an idea that you think could be really funny, and they’re new, so they might not totally know the structure of it or how to cast it or that kind of thing – just to help them with that because that’s what happened to us when we were new. People who are more senior, you know, really looked out and tried to make what we wrote better ’cause otherwise, it’s hard to get things on when you’re new.

CHE: Also, you’re – more so than any other writers, you’re thinking of the entire body of the show. Like, you’re thinking of the cold open. You’re thinking of the monologue. You’re thinking of the first sketch out of monologue. You’re thinking of, you know, what would be interesting, you know, what bumps. And things like that, as a head writer, you kind of have to consider more of the show as a whole as opposed to when you’re a writer, you’re just thinking about your piece and if you have a tag for somebody else’s thing or whatever. But as head writer, you kind of have to think about the entire show more so than…

JOST: In the beginning – the first part is usually the part that’s figured out last…

CHE: Right.

JOST: …Which is what makes the job stressful…

CHE: Right…

JOST: …You know?

CHE: …’Cause the news cycle is so quick now that what seems relevant Monday probably won’t by Saturday.

JOST: Yeah. You know, Lorne always talks about how the first 15 minutes of the show are the most important because that’s when you’re – if you’re tuning in, that’s your real chance to hook a viewer.

CHE: Right.

JOST: The monologue is such a tricky thing always because you want to show off who this person is maybe in a way you haven’t seen them before. And that’s a thing we often have to at least help figure out. And then the cold open is such a different animal, and that’s constantly shifting. And, you know, the number of weeks where the cold open and the monologue are both even vaguely figured out before Thursday – it almost never happens. If it does, you just cross your fingers that those will hold up by Saturday because those are – those feels like a luxury.

GROSS: The cold open is usually where the political sketch is. And if, like, Alec Baldwin is doing Trump, that’s where it is. And usually, like, if Kate McKinnon is doing Jeff Sessions, that’s where it’s going to be. So I can see why that would be kind of last-minute. And speaking of Alec Baldwin, like, do you know if he’s coming back?

JOST: We truly didn’t – someone said to us the other day, oh, you’re coming back as head writers. And we truly – no one ever told us (laughter). So we do not know. We try to just – we, like, try to figure out what we’re doing on our own and then we wait and see. But, you know…

CHE: It’s kind of like being on, like, a playoff team. Like, sometimes you might get 40 minutes. Sometimes you get 10 minutes. You know, sometimes you start, and certain combinations work. So you never really know. It’s more so about, how do we execute the best show? So it’s a weird place of – it’s always in the moment.

GROSS: So what…

CHE: So it’s kind of hard to answer that, you know?

JOST: There’s times you don’t learn about, like – you don’t learn about a new credit or something you’re getting until someone in your family sees it in the scroll at the end of the show.

CHE: Right.

JOST: And you’re like, oh, I guess that kicked in this week or, you know…

GROSS: Did that happen to you?

JOST: You know, you just…

CHE: Well, I didn’t know I had – I didn’t know I was a writer on the show until, like, three weeks after I was a writer on the show.

JOST: What do you mean?

CHE: Well, I remember Seth was like, you know you’re hired for this evening.

JOST: (Laughter).

CHE: And I had no idea. I thought I was still – because I came…

JOST: Oh, that’s right.

CHE: …In on a guest contract, so that was, like, week to week. And I was working there for about two weeks. Like, I was already there, and they were like, you know you’re hired, right? Like, you work here.

JOST: (Laughter).

CHE: Seth, who was head writer at the time – I had no clue. No one told me. And this was in the middle of a production week.

JOST: It’s not always a great communication place.

CHE: No, yeah.

JOST: But – and part of that is – I mean, it’s really just the velocity of the show sometimes. There’s so many moving pieces that not everyone is told everything all the time. And the reality is we would basically be doing a similar job regardless of what our title was.

CHE: Right.

JOST: Like, we were – when we were added as head writers with Kent and Bryan, or when Chris and Sarah had been head writers, too – like, you’re doing effectively the same job. You’re in most of the same meetings because we’ve been there for a while, and you’re – you would do the same hard work. And you would do the same – you would care in the same way about the show, regardless of what your title is.

GROSS: My guests are Colin Jost and Michael Che, anchors of “Saturday Night Live’s” “Weekend Update.” They’re also head writers on the show. They’re hosting the Emmys Monday night. Here’s a clip of Che on “Update” from last season’s finale.

(SOUNDBITE OF TV SHOW, “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE”)

CHE: A report has found that 86 percent of people arrested in New York for marijuana possession are black or Latino. Well, duh. We’re the only ones they search. That’s like saying the only people that have STDs are the people that take tests for STDs. We’re not the only ones that carry drugs. If cops searched white dudes in cargo shorts as much as they search black dudes in hoodies, prison would look like a Dave Matthews concert.

(LAUGHTER)

CHE: You know, people are always talking about needing diversity in Hollywood. You know where we really need diversity? Jail.

(LAUGHTER)

CHE: Forget about #OscarsSoWhite. How about prisons is too black…

(LAUGHTER)

CHE: …Colin?

(LAUGHTER)

GROSS: We’ll hear a clip from Colin Jost on “Update” after a break. And we’ll talk more with Colin Jost and Michael Che. I’m Terry Gross, and this is FRESH AIR.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

GROSS: This is FRESH AIR. I’m Terry Gross. Let’s get back to my interview with Colin Jost and Michael Che, the anchors of “Saturday Night Live’s” “Weekend Update.” They’re preparing for the new season, which starts September 29. They’re also preparing to host the Emmys Monday night. They’re nominated, along with “SNL’s” other writers, for best writing for a variety series. Last January, they became head writers of SNL. Jost had held that position before but gave it up after becoming an “Update” anchor. We just heard an excerpt of Che on “Update.” Here’s Jost from last February after President Trump’s first State of the Union address and Trump’s tweets about it.

(SOUNDBITE OF TV SHOW, “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE”)

JOST: President Trump also tweeted that he had the highest ratings ever for a State of the Union address, which – get this – wasn’t true.

(LAUGHTER)

JOST: And this time, even Fox News fact-checked on him. You know you’re running your mouth too much when even your hype man is like, yo, that ain’t exactly accurate, though.

(LAUGHTER)

JOST: So sorry.

CHE: That was good.

JOST: Oh, thank you. Then in a new interview, President Trump stated that he is not a feminist. Was he getting accused of that a lot?

(LAUGHTER)

GROSS: Michael Che, one of the things that you’ve said that’s controversial is, you were talking about Louis C.K. doing a set, you know, kind of testing out new material, showing up as a surprise to the audience. And there were a lot of complaints. Like, the public isn’t ready to see Louis C.K. yet. And you tweeted that, you know, he should be able – it wasn’t tweeted. It was on your Instagram.

You said a lot of what I read says that C.K. shouldn’t get to be a famous comedian anymore because to them he’s still winning, isn’t that strange? Meaning, he can be shamed, humiliated, lose millions of dollars, lose all of his projects, lose the respect of a lot of his fans and peers and whatever else that comes with what he did. But since he can still do a comedy set for free at a 200-seat club a year later, it means he got off easy. That’s how coveted fame is.

After the response you got to that – you know, a lot of negative responses to that – how do you feel about what you said?

CHE: I think it was extremely ill-timed. I mean, the thing about when you write anything, you kind of surrender the context and you kind of surrender the way it will be presented to people and how people will – the tone it will take, you know?

So I think if you – you could cleverly make that to seem like a terrible thing. And you can make it seem like what it was, which was just me saying I just think it’s interesting what the power of fame and what the power of stage, how it’s perceived, you know? I just think it’s extremely interesting. And that was like something that was kind of selfishly a thing that came to my head immediately when I read those stories.

GROSS: What do you mean selfishly? Meaning, because you’re famous?

CHE: Well, it’s selfishly because I work in this business. And you realize that you’re extremely lucky to. And people are very, very – it’s a privilege. You know, it really is a privilege to be able to work. It’s a privilege to be able to do this and have a job that you really, really care about and that people love and respect. And they will take it away from you, you know? Whether you like it, they will take it away from you. And they remind you, like, hey, you know we will take this away from you.

And I think that’s kind – that was what I was talking about. I wasn’t really even talking about Louis necessarily. I was using him as an example because it was something that reminded me of, wow, this is kind of a special thing that we get to do. And he could go through whatever he went through, which seems scary as hell, deserved. And people will still say, well, you get to – you still get to do this thing. And that bothers me.

GROSS: I think…

CHE: Them saying that. Not me, obviously.

GROSS: Yeah, I think what’s bothering a lot of women is that if he – he doesn’t seem to have done anything as of yet to change. He said he’s going spend a lot of time just, like, listening and thinking.

CHE: Yeah.

GROSS: And if there’s evidence that he’s changed, he hasn’t presented it yet. And I think that was what was bothering a lot of people.

CHE: Yeah. No.

GROSS: Like, he’s back on stage. But, like, what’s different? What’s changed?

CHE: None. You know what? And I’ll – it is so crazy because I was just talking about this with somebody. But that’s kind of – I don’t agree. I don’t disagree with any of that. Like, I truly think him going on stage and not addressing anything was insane, you know? And I don’t fault that he – I don’t fault the attempt of making it right. I do fault the execution of not making it right, if that makes sense. You know, like I think – I think everybody has the right to defend themselves. Everybody has the right to take the opportunity to clarify or apologize or make any bad situation right. But when you don’t do it, you can’t – it’s indefensible. You know, like what can you say? And I think that he missed a big opportunity to make that right.

GROSS: So is this – Michael Che, is this one of the reasons why you’re not on Twitter anymore? What we were talking about was Instagram. But still, is this – is this…

CHE: I don’t like Twitter because it’s – yeah, it’s – no one’s as angry as they say they are. No one’s as happy as they say they are.

JOST: (Laughter).

CHE: It’s just kind of this land of hyperbole that I don’t – I have a platform. Like, I have – we go on TV. And we’re lucky enough to be able to tweet to a camera and speak. So it’s not for me. I just don’t like – I don’t like the way it makes people feel. I don’t like the way it makes people gang up on other people.

Justly or not, it’s just uncomfortable. It’s – I don’t like it at all. It’s just a cesspool of everybody just yelling at each other. And the anger and – anger and, like – and I don’t know what the opposite of anger is, but I’ve never experienced it.

(LAUGHTER)

CHE: Anger. Anger and the opposite.

JOST: Peace. Joy. I don’t know.

CHE: Anger and extreme joy are the only voices that get heard on Twitter, you know?

GROSS: One thing I have to say is that if you’re following terrific journalists on Twitter, you get the news really quickly. You get links to great articles really quick.

JOST: Yeah.

GROSS: Like, that’s a terrific function that Twitter serves.

JOST: Well, it also used to be – it also used to have a great function because you’d follow comedians or your friends who are really funny. And every time you go on, you’d see like a great joke. You know, and it was…

CHE: Everybody is just so scared to death on there, man.

JOST: Yeah.

CHE: It’s a – I don’t know, Terry. We got to – we have to talk about this more.

GROSS: (Laughter).

CHE: I’m going to get you off Twitter.

(LAUGHTER)

CHE: It’s just – it doesn’t make sense.

JOST: Yeah.

CHE: It really doesn’t.

GROSS: I don’t tweet. I just read good journalists. And…

CHE: And you know why?

JOST: It’s lost that…

CHE: And why don’t you tweet?

JOST: Yeah.

CHE: And why don’t you tweet? Because you know that if you say one thing just in the heat of…

GROSS: You know why I don’t tweet?

CHE: Yes, please.

GROSS: There are several reasons. One is I would be writing a tweet and then I’d be thinking, let me think, let me sleep on that – and then edit it in the morning.

CHE: Yes. Right.

GROSS: And that’s not the spirit of Twitter. And I don’t have the time. I spend so much time working on the show.

CHE: Right.

GROSS: Tweeting would just be another assignment. It would just be more work. So I like reading journalists. I like reading comics. But I don’t want to tweet.

CHE: You’re one – and I totally agree with you. It’s like you have to think of it as if – this has to be able to stand up when I don’t have control of it anymore. This statement – it’s in black and white.

JOST: It’s a full press release.

CHE: It’s a press release.

JOST: Anything that used to be authentic.

CHE: You’re just doing mini press releases on something that you thought about for 30 seconds. But the crazy part is it lulls you into thinking, oh, this is just an interaction. This is a casual conversation. And then next thing you know, you’re held to that forever. Like, if you said this one thing, that means that’s what you believe. Ten years from now, if you want to run for president, but wait a minute – you believe this thing because you said it in 2009.

JOST: Right (laughter).

CHE: And people don’t want to hear anything else. There’s no – it’s insane that people base articles on this. They base what jobs you should be able to have based on something you said flippantly in a conversation getting the news as it was happening.

JOST: Having a…

CHE: It’s just an insane responsibility.

JOST: Having Twitter on your phone is like being with a journalist that hates you 24 hours a day.

GROSS: (Laughter).

CHE: Yeah, seriously.

JOST: Anything you say will – on that can be spun. I mean, truly that’s what you have to think of it as.

CHE: Yeah. It’s like walking around with the district attorney, and everything you say is just going to the district attorney.

JOST: (Laughter).

CHE: And you’re like, why am I doing this?

GROSS: I see you both have very strong feelings about this. Let me reintroduce you. If you’re just joining us, my guests are Colin Jost and Michael Che, anchors of “Weekend Update,” head writers of “Saturday Night Live.” And they’re now preparing to host the Emmys Monday. We’ll be right back. This is FRESH AIR.

(SOUNDBITE OF THE INTERNET SONG, “STAY THE NIGHT”)

GROSS: This is FRESH AIR. And if you’re just joining us, my guests are Michael Che and Colin Jost, the anchors of “Weekend Update.” They’re also head writers of “Saturday Night Live.” And Monday they’ll be hosting the Emmys.

So it was very controversial when “Saturday Night Live” had Donald Trump – candidate Trump guest hosting the show. And you were doing Update back then. And we talked about that a little bit the last time you were on. But…

JOST: Right, right.

GROSS: And there were protests and everything that you were having him on. Would you have President Trump on the show?

CHE: I mean, to me, I don’t mind anybody being on the show because I think something good can come out of anything in comedy, you know? But I wouldn’t go for it. I don’t know what the win is. Like, I don’t think people find him funny.

GROSS: What was it like to work with him before he became president?

CHE: It was like working with any unfunny, insecure dude, you know, just like a – you know?

JOST: No.

CHE: That’s another thing. Like, when you see him as a human and then he’s in this kind of larger-than-life chair, it kind of – I don’t know.

GROSS: Michael, you said that when Trump was on the show during his candidacy, that he seemed insecure. What made him seem that way?

CHE: Well, most people are insecure when they come on our show just because it’s a scary thing to do. You know, it’s very hard to be on live TV. It’s very hard to be around so much – a very talented cast that’s used to it, and you kind of got to keep up with them. And the speed of the show is very intimidating. And I think it humanizes a lot of people. It humanizes most people that host the show, so – and also, you always think you’re funny until you’re in front of an audience, you know, especially an audience that’s not necessarily your audience.

GROSS: But did he do particularly things that made him seem insecure?

CHE: There’s always a code of we know how hard the job is, so, you know, it’s almost doctor-patient privilege…

JOST: (Laughter).

CHE: …When you host the show.

GROSS: Sure.

JOST: It’s HIPAA.

CHE: Yeah. It’s kind of that where we don’t kind of, you know, spill everybody’s tea, as the kids say.

GROSS: So I want to ask you about the Mother’s Day show when each cast member’s mother comes out and talks about their child, who’s the cast member, except for Michael Che’s mother. So on Update, Melissa McCarthy, playing your stepmother…

CHE: (Laughter).

GROSS: …Comes out wearing this, like…

JOST: (Laughter).

GROSS: …Pink T-shirt that says, like, world’s proudest stepmother on it – or stepmom. And so I hope it’s not putting you too much on the spot to ask. How come your mother wasn’t there?

CHE: My mother doesn’t really like cameras. She doesn’t even like still photos. So it was kind of hard to get her to sign up for live TV. And it’s – to me, it’s mind-boggling with anybody. Just – I know how nerve-wracking it is for us as professionals to be up there on home base. But for someone that’s not even a professional comedian to be like, sure, I’ll do that for Mother’s Day and try to land a joke, it’s kind of cool to see. And it was a lot of great moments. But my mother just doesn’t like, really, like, TV and cameras. But turns out Melissa McCarthy is a much better comedian than my mother…

(LAUGHTER)

CHE: …Is what I’m trying to say. Who knew?

GROSS: Would you describe the sketch – because it’s too visual to just, like, play the audio.

CHE: Melissa McCarthy comes out as my mother on Update. And she’s very, very, very motherly. She’s wiping crust off my face. And she’s a little bit smothering. And she’s extremely supportive. And it’s a little annoying. But also it’s my mom, so it’s very – it’s pretty close to my actual relationship with my mother probably.

GROSS: Seriously?

JOST: If I could brag about Michael’s acting in it, I thought he was especially good playing opposite Melissa. And I thought it was – he played it in a…

CHE: Well…

JOST: …Very real way that you would want to try to keep on the positive side of it while also being annoyed by it.

CHE: You know, I’m not even going to let anybody give me credit for that. It’s Melissa McCarthy flying, so you just sit. It’s like everything’s better with bacon. Everybody’s funnier with Melissa McCarthy…

JOST: (Laughter).

CHE: …Doing the heavy lifting, so I’m just sitting there watching most of the time.

GROSS: So I think it’s interesting how comedy is changing in the sense that, like, there were so many comics for so many years – and maybe there still is at comedy clubs – telling, like, sexist jokes about sex and about women. And I think – I hope that it’s more difficult to do that now.

CHE: Well, I think it’s hard to – being in comedy is kind of hard ’cause, like, I’m exposed to so much comedy. And most of the country and most of the world knows maybe five to ten stand-up comedians, so – and they base all of stand-up – of the thousands of stand-up, they base everything based on, you know, who’s popular at the time. And it’s usually only five or 10 guys that are extremely popular and crossover mainstream.

But as somebody that works in comedy, I think for years – and even studying comedy as a kid, like, there’s always going to be jokes that was funny 20 years ago that won’t be acceptable years later. I mean, as a black person, you know, there’s stuff that doesn’t fly – you know what I mean? – that would have. There used to be comedians that came out in blackface that was white, you know? Like, that’s completely not acceptable anymore.

And I think that’s always going to be the case. More people – especially now that media is so much bigger and more people have voices, they can say, look; even with the Louis situation – like, yeah, Louis can go out there. But also, people have the right to come out and say, you know what? We don’t want to see and we don’t want to support anybody that supports him. And that’s your right, too. And I think that’s you know, that’s something – as a performer, you have to deal with people can reject you. Just the way you can comment on everybody, they can comment on you. And that’s the way it is, you know? You kind of got to take what you get from that.

GROSS: So…

JOST: And there’s two things – there’s two elements to anything like that is – one is, how does it fly among your peers? You know, if someone’s a comedian and they’re doing jokes like that now, it’s not even your peers – your peers would probably just be like, why? (Scoffing) Like, what? That doesn’t seem, like, well, I mean, they might not even say that to you. They might just not really want to hang out with you or really think that that was a great – whatever, you know. That’s part of it. And the other is just audience.

GROSS: So I think I need to let you go and get back to preparing for the Emmys. Just a question – are you nervous?

CHE: No.

GROSS: (Laughter).

JOST: I was going to say yes.

CHE: No. It’s not – you can’t be nervous. It’s just – it’s comedy. It’s, like, literally comedy. Even if it’s bad, that’s pretty funny too.

JOST: (Laughter).

CHE: Worst-case scenario – it’s terrible, and it’s funny that it’s so bad. So it’s – you know, it’s nothing to be afraid of. Nobody – like, this isn’t a real – this isn’t a real job, you know?

JOST: That’s a good – I didn’t really think about…

CHE: If I was a fireman, I’d be…

JOST: (Laughter).

CHE: …I mean, firemen should be afraid.

JOST: I’d be very nervous.

CHE: Brain surgeons – but, like, for comedy, we’re literally going out there, and we’re just going to tell some jokes. And people are going to like them or not. But it’s nothing to be afraid of.

GROSS: Colin, you have…

JOST: Well, thank you. This is actually a good…

GROSS: …Fireman in your family.

JOST: I do.

GROSS: Do you see it that way, too – that, like, fire is something to be afraid of? Comedy isn’t worth getting really…

JOST: Well…

GROSS: …Worried about because it’s just comedy?

JOST: …Certainly, fire is a lot – (laughter) – a lot scarier. Yeah, as the first, basically, non-hero in my family…

GROSS: (Laughter).

JOST: …It’s – I don’t – no, I get nervous because I’m more nervous leading up to it than I am…

GROSS: Because you have higher standards than Michael Che has.

JOST: Exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

CHE: I don’t have high standards at all, man. This is back-of-the-classroom humor. I’m throwing spitballs at everybody. I could care less, you know? What’s there to be afraid of?

JOST: I get nervous more when I’m not – when it’s not in front of me. When I’m thinking about it in advance, that’s more nerve wracking than when you’re actually out on stage and you’re feeling. Then you know what it’s like to be on stage, and then that feels a lot more liberating. It’s more the lead up to it where – I don’t know – having not actually gone through it before, where that’s more nerve wracking for me. But I would still take it over fires.

GROSS: Good luck to both of you. Thank you so much for coming back on our show. I really enjoyed it. And…

JOST: Thank you for having us.

GROSS: Yeah, my pleasure. Good luck on Monday.

Colin Jost and Michael Che are the anchors of “SNL’s” “Weekend Update” and are head writers on the show. Monday night, they’ll host the Emmys, which will be broadcast on NBC. After we take a short break, David Bianculli will review the new Hulu drama series “The First,” starring Sean Penn. This is FRESH AIR.

(SOUNDBITE OF JAMES HUNTER SONG, “I’LL WALK AWAY”) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.

Source: http://www.wfae.org/post/michael-che-and-colin-jost-snl-hosting-emmys-and-hating-twitter

[polinathinkstoomuch-blog]

Day 2/3 - Hallucinations & Realizations

I’m rehashing both days today because I had Tumblr issues (and some dedication to this issues), so I apologize in advance for the length, but you know what, I think the cumulative recap will actually help tie some things together so I'm not really that sorry about it you're welcome.

If you read Day 1, good news, I did resolve to hiking yesterday. Bad news, mistake. Still harboring some insecurities about going out there alone, I walked toward the hiking trail sign and then proceeded to out loud talk myself through it - like cute, bunnies! And where am I going, and I guess this is a trail if I follow the signs and then, completely causally, that’s a coyote. At which point I immediately booked it right back the way I came, looking behind me the entire time to make sure that a DESERT WOLF (spelling is very key here for maximum dramatic effect - a dessert wolf wouldn’t garner nearly as much concern) wasn’t following me. This makes the people I saw night hiking yesterday even crazier. A blind wild mountain pig is one thing - you can probably drop kick it out of your path - but I don’t know what kind of white privilege lets you fuck with coyotes in the dark. I don’t have it. The best part is that everyone else was so nonchalant about it - my mom advised me to just walk behind the other woman hiking; the barista the next day - upon hearing that I saw a coyote - laughed. Like that was the local coyote. Oh Tom, you trouble-maker, when will you learn - that sort of thing. Arizona makes you numb to face-eating wolves apparently.

Instead, I decided to hike the property which is miles upon miles of desert, cactus, prickly tress and walls of khaki and beige. I expected to have a lot of thoughts and emotions hiking, of having the earth unveil itself under your feet - and maybe if I was going up the mountain instead of horizontally - I would have, but I had no thoughts - until about 45 minutes in - at which point I started thinking how do people do 8 miles of this?!?! At two miles in I started hallucinating. Not in the way of seeing bunny rabbits everywhere - although there were rabbits everywhere this is apparently a luxury rabbit farm - but in the way of being completely devoid of anything. It may be the 98 degree heat that literally fogs everything around you to make it seem like time isn’t moving, but also, I think for me particularly, the fact that I’m in a desert. There is something about that land that makes me feel lost; like my car broke down in the middle of nowhere and I’m hiking to what I hope is the nearest gas station and not a the hills have eyes community. It was not for me. So I chose not to hike again during this trip, but instead have committed myself to doing something I surprisingly found way more enjoyable - tanning to music and swimming. 

Swimming the first day was interesting because it still brought up some solo guilt. The first time I went into the water it was just me on the right side of the pool, and I enjoyed it some much - more so than I expected since I truly detest the smell and feel of chlorinated water - what I don’t detest is the all over body chill when you glide through the water. When I wanted to go back in after baking in the sun, I noticed a couple in the water and had a moment where I didn’t want to disturb their space - be this object swimming in the parallel lane. That lasted about 3 minutes, but it’s an insecurity that I have in the back of my head - the need to have to explain or apologize for my presence as a “permanently single.” The idea that my body takes up space in an unnatural way. But I slid into that water regardless because I remembered how much I loved it and nothing stops me from reliving the small loves in my life.

On my Day 3 swims (first at the pool then at the spa pool this SPA man, I could move in and live there, more below), I harkened back to a thought I had on Day 2 - which I may have written about and then had promptly deleted in front of my eyes by this website or my laptop or both - that age - for me - is really about sitting into my personality but that doesn’t mean hard headedness to change - but instead a more narrowed focus on what I want my life to look like and who I want to live it as without compromise for expectations. It came from how much easier swimming was today than yesterday’s heavy breathing nonsense, and the difference being focus - of following my hands, watching my palms switch positons, eliminating everything that wasn’t directly in front of me.

Speaking of the spa, man, listen. It was amazing. It was expensive, but it was truly gold. Now I have never had a message before so a full body scrub and hot oil was already going to be a boundary crossing moment for me, but the moment that salt hit my skin and the pressure pushed into my back it was like having everything pushed out of me, without me knowing how much I needed that - even if symbolically. I tend to absorb everything that happens to me - I’m super sensitive sue me; everything good and bad, and just let it sit in my body like a mass and then continue moving with all of it inside me and then just bring it up like leftovers when I can’t find the silence. I call it experience or a reference bank or coping whatever it needs to be for the purpose of explaining it to people, but it’s there, for a lifetime of forgiving but not forgetting and it gets heavy. So to be in a room where everything is designed (both audibly and visually) to remove you from your physical presence there - was such a relief. I felt so clean and warm and comfortable that I felt like I was falling down slowly into a bottomless end - on both the facial and body scrub days. I spent hours HOURS in that spa, reading under the low lights, smelling the incense, listening to the Japanese flutes, drinking crystal water, taking over a cabana, gliding around in mineral enhanced water or whatever they drop into that pool (hopefully not acid), but it’s glorious. And the sheer feeling of being there entirely alone (no exaggeration - I was by myself at the spa pool and the main pool for hours at a time) and feeling settled in my skin to dance, sing along, read a book, swim, all at my own pace and schedule was really freeing and easy.

And that’s how I would describe this entire vacation - easy. It is the easiest vacation I have ever been on. There has been no pressure to do or not do anything. No topics of conversation planned, no responses required, no responsibility for another person’s good time, feelings, thoughts. I was at my own disposal; everything was on my time, when and for how long I wanted to do it and no one made me feel uncomfortable about it and I didn’t feel guilty or obligated back. There were spurts - because phones exist - but for the most part I felt like I didn't have to be accountable to anyone else and that in and of itself was such a break from my everyday life where I don’t want the people I care about to forget. The spa also brought me full confirmation - in the form of an aesthetician - that the natural color of my skin is pale (color you shocked) - so fair, that it reacts to every touch by turning pink. She asked if I blushed when I’m embarrassed. I said I had no idea, I have no shame.

My dad sent me flowers today for my birthday - thanks Dad! Everybody asked who they were from and I’m all my Dad, you know my taste in men, which one of them would have the consideration, the character, the moral and ethical  dedication to reciprocity of treatment, would ever send me flowers - especially to a different state, girl please, it’s my Dad. And that’s fine. At least my Dad means it. I remember when a co-worker of mine and I were sitting in my kitchen trying to warm up after we got flooded out of Lolla and he noticed a card I have on my fridge that says happy birthday. He asked me if it was, and I responded that it was from last year’s flowers - I kept it on the refrigerator to remind myself that my parents love me. He laughed because of course your parents love you. But Billy, it’s the only love I value because it’s the only one I can rely on. My parents - suffocatingly so - love me. Care about my well being and my safety and I’m getting a little emotional even typing this - I can’t say the same about anybody else and this is not meant to be insulting or discount the friendships I have in any way, all of which I truly appreciate and put my energy into reciprocating and rewarding as much as and every chance I get, but people have their own lives - they change, they move, they develop different inner circles, their priorities changes, their partner’s priorities change and they leave first in body then in spirit or vice versa. It’s an unreliable moment - that trap door floor is what keeps me independent - its what keep me focused on relying on myself more than anyone else. Other than my parents. I unabashedly need my parents. I need their presence, and their dumb jokes and their uncomfortable friendship with my dog - and I loved seeing those flowers. I love seeing that card every day, and I worry only about being a person that loses their respect and their presence - but truly not much else. So yes, I like the reminder Billy. It pushes me when people live their own lives around me and despite me. I’m going to try to think of a way to get these flowers on board. I’m thinking Ziploc with water - vase in bag - I don’t know. Stay on your toes TSA.

Ugh, and now I have to go back to work in my aggressively air conditioned cubicle including to people that I have let disrespect me in the past from a place where I respect myself. Annoying. Oh well, at least I’ve removed them from my life - even if not from my eyesight - and that’s a big enough step for now. Thanks AZ.