#anywho I miss him and fan fics are barely helping

[xeemaee]

[amberskywrites]

Soulmarks and Surprises

First fic for this fandom! A bit iffy on how well it turned out- but! Hopefully as I write more for this fandom the more comfortable I can become with the characters and writing fics with them! Anywho- enjoy!

Masterpost

Pairing: Zukka

Fandom / Genre: Avatar the Last Airbender /  Fluff

Summary: Soulmarks and soulmates were something that was pushed to the back of people's minds once the fire nation attacked... Suddenly, it was no longer a priority to find the one you were supposedly destined to be with, all according to black images somewhere on your body. 

Well, Sokka at least doesn't have to look too far to find his soulmate.

-------------------

Sokka had noticed the mark a long time ago, when they were staying in Ozai's old house. He was watching Zuko teach Aang firebending one day, and couldn't help searching the prince's torso for that telling mark. He was curious if Zuko even had a soulmark.

He never usually thought much of soulmarks. They were common, but often overlooked at this point. It was difficult for most to find their soulmate after the fire nation started trying to take over the world, and suddenly soulmates weren't the most important thing in cultures anymore. But with the war hopefully ending soon… Sokka wondered if people would become more determined to find their soulmate.

Suki wasn't his, he knew that. The two had compared their marks late one night when they had become curious, and although they looked kind of similar, it was clear they weren't the same. Sokka's was a wave that crashed and turned into flames, and Suki's were flames being blown into a night sky by a fan.

Sokka had never seen Katara's soulmark, and Aang… Aang didn't seem to have one. Sokka assumed it was because he was the Avatar, so maybe he just wouldn't ever have a soulmate. And Sokka hadn't tried seeing Toph's.

But he was curious about Zuko's soulmark. And so, watching him train Sokka observed and searched until he spotted it. It was on the same side his scar was on, on his lower back, easy to hide if he wanted. And Sokka's heart stopped beating for a few moments as he stared at the mirror image of his own mark.

Sokka had trouble sleeping that night, but with the comet arriving soon, Sokka decided that he could bring up the soulmark another time.

-

The day before Sozin's comet, Sokka finally pulled Zuko aside. He couldn't stop thinking about the possibility of one of them dying and Zuko not at least knowing that they were soulmates. Sokka thought he had a right to know, so that if Sokka did die and Zuko lived Zuko could at least not spend years hoping to find his soulmate. 

Zuko tilted his head at Sokka, frowning slightly. "What's going on with you?" he asked. "You're more jittery than usual."

Sokka let go of Zuko's arm, instead folding his own arms over his chest. "I… I really need to talk with you about something, something that I've known for a bit now." Sokka didn't meet Zuko's eyes as he spoke, trying to gather his thoughts.

Zuko waited patiently, watching as his friend worried at his bottom lip. He'd never seen Sokka appear this nervous before, really. "It's about soulmarks, specifically yours."

Zuko stiffened slightly at that, frown deepening. He thought no one cared about those anymore… he certainly didn't like them, especially knowing he had one and that some poor soul was quite possibly destined to be with him. As a child, because of the water mixing with flames in his soulmark, Azula would tease him because his soulmate would probably be a waterbender, or from one of the water tribes at least, something not really sought after in his family.

"Yeah?"

Sokka nodded.

Zuko also really didn't like the idea that a stupid mark told him who he would end up loving, if they ever met at all-

"I um, I have the same one."

Zuko blinked at Sokka in confusion, his thoughts having come to a sudden halt. It took a moment for Zuko to process what Sokka had said, and he was shaking his head at the water tribe boy.

"No, you don't."

Spirits, Sokka had to be lying. Zuko couldn't think of why Sokka would lie about being his soulmate, but there was no way Sokka was Zuko's. Zuko knew Sokka was destined to be with someone much greater.

"I can show you if you don't believe me." Before Zuko could say anything, Sokka was moving his tunic aside and turned slightly, showing the back of his shoulder. Black swirled together in a pattern Zuko very easily recognized, and he felt his throat closed as he stared at the mark. Sokka took a deep breath as he shifted his clothes back in place. Zuko shook his head again, trying to catch up with his thoughts. "This was probably the worst time to tell you- I should have when I first found out but I couldn't cause I wasn't sure how to bring it up or how you would react or even feel about that, but you deserved to know, especially if things go south and something happens."

The silence was worse than any rejection Sokka could have imagined, it just felt so tense and Zuko looked blank, and Sokka needed just some sort of reaction.

"Zuko, say something, please," Sokka didn't speak loudly, taking a hesitant step towards Zuko. Zuko didn't move away from him, instead, he glanced towards where the others had all made camp. When he returned his gaze back to Sokka, something seemed to switch and he reached out for the young warrior and embraced him tightly.

Sokka was frozen for a moment before he returned the hug, feeling Zuko bury his face in the crook of Sokka's neck. "Don't you dare let things go south," Zuko mumbled, pressing closer. "I want to be able to properly talk about this when we aren't gonna go end this war in about a day."

Relief washed over Sokka for a moment, and his arms tightened around Zuko. "Will definitely try."

-

Things luckily worked out in the end. They talked in the infirmary of the palace and had agreed to try dating, see if they were actually a good match, but they also wanted to take it slow. Things were already moving so quickly in their lives, they didn't need another thing to pile on.

That was roughly three years ago, though. Zuko had been crowned Firelord, and after Sokka healed he returned to the southern water tribe to help rebuild and to also help improve his tribe's home. They exchanged letters for those two years, each letter growing sappier the longer they were apart.

Zuko was reading over a document, one he was planning on proposing to the school administrators soon to change curriculums. He was so focused he barely registered the loud knocking on his door. It was fairly late, he realized as he rose from his desk, back stiff and aching, and he wondered who would even be up at this hour besides some guards.

The knocking continued until he finally opened his door, sighing, about to scold whoever for possibly disrupting some visiting ambassador's sleep. Zuko snapped his mouth shut though at the grinning face in front of him, and the smile was infectious.

"I thought you weren't going to be able to make it for another week?"

Sokka shrugged. "I couldn't help myself from making a surprise visit," and he nodded towards Zuko's room, a silent question. Zuko moved out of the way, letting Sokka inside and Zuko thanked the guard who had escorted him before closing the door.

Sokka was already settled on Zuko's bed and he reached out, beckoning his boyfriend over. Zuko rolled his eyes as Sokka started making grabby hands instead, and he shrugged off his formal robes. He had started wearing more comfortable clothes underneath them so he could feel a bit more relaxed in meetings. Zuko put the robes in a hamper, knowing the servants would come and retrieve them by morning, and he accepted Sokka's embrace, practically melting into the water tribe boy's arms.

"You've been working too hard," Sokka muses as he kicks off his shoes before shifting them both under Zuko's blankets. He did it with ease, Zuko curled up on his lap basically made it easier for him to move and lie down. Zuko nestled into his chest, and felt Sokka remove his hair from the bun he always kept it in. The crown was also taken out, set on the nightstand near Zuko's bed.

"I've gotta if I want to keep improving the fire nation," Zuko says, listening to Sokka's steady heartbeat. Sokka hummed knowingly, fingers combing through Zuko's hair. Zuko sighed at the touch and relaxed further.

"Missed you," Sokka mumbled, and Zuko nodded slightly in agreement. "I can stay longer than I did last time, too."

Zuko glanced up at him, curious. "How long, exactly?" Last time, Sokka was able to stay for about a month. But that was last year. Sokka grins down at him, hand not in Zuko's hair moving down Zuko's back and slipping under Zuko's shirt, tracing the soulmark there.

"As long as I want, if you'll let me."

Zuko returned to his previous position, and he nodded slightly. "Of course, you could stay forever if you truly wanted."

Sokka laughs at that, and he presses a kiss to the top of Zuko's head. "I'll keep that in mind. You look tired though, so how about we sleep, and tomorrow over breakfast you can complain about the boring meetings like you do in your letters."

Zuko huffs, but doesn't object to sleeping and he falls asleep faster than Sokka thought he would. Sokka doesn't mention the pendant he made, that's something he could bring up after he caught up with his soulmate.

[destiel-love-forever]

15.4 Thoughts

Well... at least this episode didn’t destroy me, which is something... I guess. Gosh... this season WILL be the death of me. At least they didn’t make us watch the break-up again. I was worried that was going to be in the ‘Then’ opening of the show... 

Anywho, here we go, episode 4 thoughts!

Here are the things I liked (& my feelings didn’t mind): 

HOT DAMN bearded Dean being all sexy and rugged and badass in that red lighting

BENNY!!! (let’s ignore the context of Benny for now... we’re keeping my feelings happy here)

The whole veggie bacon ordeal

the way Dean mouths the quote along with Sam

the way they argue about Dean being the ‘meat man’

Sammy realizing the bacon is real - & Dean being all proud ‘damn right it is’ because he’s the meat man

I’m sorry but that tiny coffee cup in Sam’s huge hand is just adorable

Getting back to the good ol’ days:

Finding a case, “sounds exactly like our thing, so let’s go check it out”

Sam’s face is so DONE with the parents saying the lacrosse game getting canceled will be the end of the world - “The end of the world IS the end of the world”

Dean’s obsession with this mascot lol

Also, that ‘someone has a fetish’ comment about the cheerleaders

The fact that Dean’s eating in almost every scene (do you think Jensen was just super hungry? Since he was the director?)

BECKY!!

Chuck acting like a crazy, desperate, pathetic ex

Becky’s etsy site for unofficial spn merch

Becky putting Chuck in his place about writing/his writing

THE FACT THAT BECKY WRITES #DOMESTIC FANFIC

Let’s be honest - Becky TOTALLY ships Destiel 100%

I need to read all of Becky’s domestic destiel fics (or all of them in general)

All of Becky’s decorations - the spn christmas poster, the Funko figures, the plushies of Sam, Dean, & Cas on the shelf (I totally have that Dean plushie - thank you @foreveranonymousuniverse for that), the mini Harvelle’s Roadhouse 

Is it just me, or is Becky’s wallpaper in her living room exactly like the wallpaper in a lot of the boys’ motels in the show?

“You want me to fluff you”

Becky defending fan-fic “writing is writing”

Her rant about Chuck’s bad story - “Nobody even mentions Cas!”

I wrote poor Billy down because he seemed to have these crazy, overbearing parents, and he clearly doesn’t want to be this great Lacrosse player they want him to be, and I was getting total Dean vibes from my fic Lucky Charm.... but poor Billy for so many other reasons now that I’ve seen the whole episode... just... poor Billy

Dean calling that girl out on her fake speech (& then the super awkwardness of the boys when they have to slink away because she has braces) - more on the speech below

Here are things I liked (but hit me right in the feels...):

BENNY

I’m so thankful this wasn’t a Dean dream, because if Dean was dreaming this, the moment with Benny would have wrecked me completely

Still, though, that “I’ll see you on the other side brother” came close to killing me. 

The whole dream with Dark Sammy 

Sioux Falls mention! Bobby! Jody!

Dean telling Sammy this isn’t him, it’s the demon blood

SAMMY KILLED DEAN. KILLED HIM. HE KILLED DEAN. 

It’s almost worse that the dream is Sam’s instead of Dean’s, because Dean fearing for his own safety is one thing, but Sam fearing for other people’s safety is heartbreaking. 

Sam in this episode... (no wonder Jared’s mental health isn’t the best right now, jeez...)

His speech about the white picket fence ‘bubble’ that the town gets to live in

His comment about how they have to carry the weight of everything

Dean pulling out his flask as he listens to Sammy say things that Dean has always said - because it’s usually Sam’s job to talk him out of this dark place, and now Dean doesn’t know what to do

Later, Sam admitting he feels empty, and he misses Jess </3

Dean trying to talk Sammy out of it, saying they’re free with this relieved kind of smile, saying they need to keep doing the hard job for the people that cared about them, for Jack and mom and Rowena and everyone else.

& Sammy saying “I don’t feel free” & “Sometimes it’s like I can’t breathe” & when Dean asks what happens if that feeling doesn’t go away, and they silently exchange that look... 

BECKY DON’T TELL CHUCK TO WRITE WTF ARE YOU DOING

At least Chuck admitted to not being able to see them anymore... that’s a plus... 

Chuck’s comment “I’ll give you danger” - gosh Becky, why did you push this man?!?!?!

That girl’s speech: did anyone else see Destiel parallels? It’s literally a speech about how she misses her best friend. How life won’t be the same. Etc. Sure, it’s clearly fake, but that seems to piss Dean off more when he calls her out on that - & Dean can tell it’s fake because he feels those things for real. He has his own special ‘ghost orchard’/’snowflake’ that he’s missing. 

SPEAKING OF DESTIEL PARALLELS

Dean talking to Sammy about ‘moving on’ & he has to pause before saying that, and he looks pained like he’s remembering Cas saying it to him

& Sam putting Dean in his place, shutting that idea down, saying he can’t move on. It’s impossible. 

The scene with Dean, Sam, and the parents. When Dean comments on their ‘awesome parenting’ & the dad says “you don’t have children, do you?”

The look on Dean’s face is heartbreaking... 

& later, when they both admit that they’d do the same for Jack... it hurts. It hurts a lot. 

OF COURSE they have to turn the classic ‘let’s just get back to what we’re good at and try to move on’ episode into something SOUL CRUSHING. 

Poor Billy (I know, a broken record, but omg)

And the fact that Billy just gives himself over, and he sits on his knees crying, and Dean has to execute the poor kid like that, and Sam can barely watch

Chuck is seriously fucked up (I mean, we knew this, but still... my god - pun intended - this dude is fucking crazy)

The ominous ‘ending’ he wrote

How he doesn’t know how he’ll get there, but he’ll get there somehow

Becky saying it’s dark. Saying he can’t do it to the fans. “What you did to Dean... What you did to Sam...” “It’s awful, horrible, hopeless”

"Oh Becky, I can do anything. I’m a writer”

Chuck envisioning “Supernatural: The End” with the gravestone on the cover that just reads ‘Winchester’ (btw, if it’s jut one gravestone, do you think only one of them died? Or are they buried together? Or were they given a hunter’s funeral, and the gravestone is just there to commemorate them???)

Chuck making Becky’s family disappear! Making her panic and cry! Then doing it to her! al;do’rihigjsgk’dma I HATE HIM

Chuck at the very end, writing so hard that Dean & Sam’s figurines are bobbing. “Oh yeah, this is gonna be good”

Yeah... not looking like it’ll be good Chuck. NOT LOOKING LIKE IT WILL BE GOOD AT ALL!

I guess now I’ll go write the CODA... I’m thinking I might take the Becky road and give the boys some good ol’ domestic fluff. Don’t they deserve that? They deserve that. 

** Thanks for coming to my ted talk. If you enjoyed it, or enjoy any of my stuff in general, please consider becoming a patron [HERE] or buying me a quick coffee [HERE]! Every dollar helps <3

[vizhi0n]

Sawney - Part 40

Chapter Masterlist

@i-am-negan-trash @kellyn1604 @lucifers-trash-stash @jasoncrouse @superprincesspea @genevievedarcygranger @orchiddingme @hannibalssweaters @heartfulloffandoms @fatedwisp @toxic-insomniac @my-achilles--heel @mypapawinchester @backseat-negan @vinylmadwoman @darkangel66a @neganswinchesters @originalwinchestervamp @castielwinchester22 @ladylorelitanyfanfiction @kijilinn @strangersangel9 @chiwawha @romeomontvgue @imjustmakingsuffupagain @curlyhairedblueeyedangel @jeffreydeanneganstrash @moonypetyr @gay-for-negan @rapsity @collette04 @negans-network @mcnegan @melodicdolls @gremlinfuck @embracetheapocalypsewithme @lovingzombiechaos @jessiellong1987 @my-achilles--heel @nycktmcginn

Warnings: nothing to bad. Just some gore.

Anywho, yesterday I sat down and wrote the final chapter to this fic. I’m super excited for you all to see the final product, and I had a blast writing it. It’s bittersweet af so make sure u have tissues, bc we’re not far away from the end.

“We’ll stop here for the night,” Desa’s mother huffed. She peered into the back of the abandoned tractor trailer.

Their clothes were tattered, bodies drenched in sweat and blood. Jack clung to Desa as if she were his lifeline, body gaunt, at the beginning stages of starvation. Beans and raw rabbit meat were the only things churning in their stomachs.

A car roared down the road. Bullets flew. One struck her mother in the back and she fell. Their attackers hooted and hollered when they saw the straggling family, fresh meat, more people to take advantage of—

“Run!” Desa’s mother shrieked, blood pooling in her mouth. “Run!”

Desa grabbed Jack’s arm and ran.

“Momma!”

“Momma! Momma no! Momma!”

The screams tore their way through Desa’s throat. She lay in the bed alone, thrashing, shrieking.

“I want my momma,” she sobbed. “I want my momma.”

She’s dead.

You can’t have her.

“When was your last menstrual cycle?” Carson asked nonchalantly. When Desa didn’t reply, he lifted his head and said, exasperated, “I just need to know for reference. You came in here for a check-up, didn’t you?”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“I don’t expect you to. That’s what I’m for,” Carson knelt, poking and prodding at Desa’s crude stitches. Sucking on his teeth, he murmured, “Whoever did these was obviously not a doctor.”

“Do you have pregnancy tests around?”

“Yes,” Carson raised his eyebrows. “You think you’re pregnant?”

“I haven’t had my period in a while. I can usually feel it before it happens but…so much has happened.”

“Are you and Negan trying for a baby?”

“You’re being awfully nosy today, Emmett.”

Carson rolled his eyes, slapping on fresh gauze. He gestured for Desa to remain sitting, disappearing into the back room and returning with a two pregnancy tests. “I only ask because we don’t have the resources to deliver a baby here. We might get them, but the Hilltop has all of the good stuff. The high tech equipment. Unless you want to give birth naturally—”

“Not a fan.”

“The world is painful enough,” Carson shook his head, and Desa took the tests. “And before you try those out, just know, nothing is wrong with you. It’s all in your head. I’m not a therapist. I deal with what’s on the outside, not what’s on the inside. The only thing I can tell you is that you and Negan both need to take it easy.”

“If I’m pregnant, you’d better have better advice than that,” Desa smirked, hopping from the table. She heard Carson mumble to himself before she shut the bathroom door, flicking on the light and staring at herself in the mirror.

Test 1: Positive.

Desa let out a sigh.

Test 2: Positive.

“I’m going to kill Negan,” she murmured. She bounced on her heels, closing her eyes and resting her forehead against the countertop. “I’m going to fucking kill him.”

When Negan returned, he was filthy — covered from head to toe in blood that was not his own. The moment Desa met him in the courtyard, he extended his arms and crowed, “Want a hug?”

“Go bathe first,” Desa turned away as the smell assaulted her nostrils. The rest of his men followed behind, hopping from the trucks. They, too, were bruised and battered from the redirect efforts. Negan was the only one who seemed relatively chipper. Desa added, “Did the biters give you trouble?”

“One fell on top of me—”

Desa rushed forward, already examining his body for bites as her heart sunk.

“But Skinny Joey knocked that fuckers head off before it could take a bite out of me,” Negan reassured her. “Hence the fucking blood.”

“I’m glad you came back alive.”

Negan stared. Then, he said, “You have that weird fucking look on your face. The one where you look like you’re going to say something, but you’re thinking way to fucking hard about it.”

“I have something on my mind,” Desa shrugged, ducking her head. She gestured towards the building, sighing and saying, “Go shower. Then we can talk—”

“We can talk here—”

“Shower, Negan,” Desa said firmly. She laughed at his dumfounded expression, watching as the gears turned in his brain, and it clicked.

“Oh. Oh,” almost giddily, Negan grabbed Lucille and pranced inside. Desa watched him go, a hand slapped over her mouth. Arat approached, eyebrows raised as she adjusted the bag she carried over her shoulder.

“What’s got him so excited?”

“…Nothing.”

“You’re hiding something,” Arat nudged her in the shoulder, and Desa laughed. Her hands absently travelled to her stomach, a subtle indication that Arat picked up on almost immediately.

“No,” Arat’s mouth dropped open, lips curling into a smile. “No way!”

“I took the tests a few hours ago,” Desa admitted. “I don’t feel any different. I just…I have a feeling. A good feeling.”

“I’m glad you’re back,” Desa inhaled, face pressed against the crook of Negan’s neck as he held her, his skin warm and smelling of fresh, fruity soap. The pad of his thumb stroked Desa’s bare shoulder.

“Missed you,” Negan mumbled. “Fucking asshole biters gave us a run for our fucking money. Dealing with that shit is a pain.”

“Well, I have something to tell you,” Desa pulled away, lips curling upwards into a smile. Negan tilted his head to the side, but said nothing, watching curiously as Desa reached out and grasped his hand, positioning his palm so that it lay flat against her stomach.

His eyes widened.

“No fuckin’ way.”

Desa smiled wider, cheeks flushed as she giggled and said, “Yeah. You’re going to be a dad.”

“No fuckin’ way,” Negan repeated, shaking his head before burying his face against Desa’s shoulder. She laughed, stroking his hair as he made a noise in the back of his throat that Desa recognized as a stifled sob. When he lifted his head, he cradled Desa’s face between his palms and said softly, “I want you to fucking marry me. Be my wife. My only wife. My actual fucking wife.”

“Of course I’ll marry you. I already kind of thought we were married,” Desa gave a mirthful laugh. “I love you.”

“I know just the fucking person to marry us. You know that priest that I told you about? Who helped save my ass? I mean, we don’t have to do this shit now. We can always fucking wait until after the baby comes—”

“Negan,” Desa raised a finger to his lips. She pulled it away as he fell silent, leaning over and kissing him before saying softly, “We have time. No need to rush.”

“Right. You’re right. Shit. I’m just eager,” Negan shook his head, wrapping his arms once more about Desa. “I can’t believe I’m going to be a fucking dad…I can’t fucking believe it—”

“Did you and Lucille have children?”

Negan fell silent. Fearing that she’d upset him, Desa placed a hand on his shoulder. Before she could speak, he answered. “No,” he said. “I…I was a fucking teacher before all this shit. I dealt with kid enough. We’d talked about it, when we first got married…maybe eventually we would have tried.”

“You were a teacher?” Desa smiled, and Negan nodded. She couldn’t imagine him willingly running around with kids, certainly not with the mouth he had on him.

As if reading Desa’s thoughts, Negan added, “I got in trouble a whole fucking lot for my mouth. I didn’t give a shit though. I guarantee you those fuckers heard that shit at home, anyway. Or with each other.”

“That’s one way to look at it,” Desa chuckled, flopping onto the back, lying on her back and staring at the ceiling. She felt the bed dip beside her, and then Negan’s warm breath against the side of her face.

Then, in the most un-romantic manner, he said, “Can you fuck while you’re pregnant?”

“I’m barely pregnant. I think we’ll be okay,” Desa rolled over, staring into his dark eyes. “But I am tired. So, so tired.”

“You’ve barely had any fucking rest,” Negan cradled her in his arms, chuckling. Lowering his voice, he said, “What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing you don’t know about.”

“That’s broad as fuck. C’mon, now,” Negan gave her a squeeze. “Is is some shit that I said or did?”

“No, of course not.”

Desa didn’t know if she had the heart to tell Negan her true thoughts, out of fear that she’d worry him. Then again, he could read her like an open book now. He was so attune to her emotions that trying to hide it would cause even more strain than it was worth.

“Alpha tried so hard to pull me in,” Desa said softly. “She made me look at myself as if I were a monster. It felt terrible. So, so terrible. And she was right. I am a monster, and freak. But…we all are, right?” 

Desa turned to face Negan. His lips were pressed into a thin line as he pondered over her words, before saying, “Do you think that’s a bad thing?”

“I don’t know. But we’ve lost our humanity,” Desa replied. “All of us. This new world we’re trying to build…how do you come back from that? How do we fix that? How am I going to tell my child that I killed their uncle, and ate human flesh—”

“Hey, slow down,” Negan grasped her hand. “You’re thinking way ahead. That shit doesn’t matter right now. We just have to deal with the shit we have on our plate, first.”

“We can’t mend the things that are broken. The things that we broke during this whole war. Negan, I know…I know I’ve followed you since the beginning, and I’ll continue to do that until the very end. You’re my soulmate. But going forward, things need to change. The Saviors needs to change. We can’t go around bashing in heads, taking people as our slaves or burning faces.”

“I do all of that terrible shit to keep people safe,” Negans struggled with his words, looking conflicted more than ever. Desa squeezed his hand, prompting him to flash a small smile.

“We have to move past that. The burnings, the beating…every time, I think of him. We need a community based on trust, on family…Drake died because he cared so deeply about me, and about you…he believed in this place and what it could become.”

“He died because of me.”

Desa flinched. Drake’s death was the sorest of them all. She knew that his demise bothered Negan more than he’d ever let on.

“I should have left him here. He wasn’t a fucking fighter. He scavenged, and he ran. He shouldn’t have been driving that fucking car—”

“If not him, it would have been Laura or Arat or Gavin.”

“No,” Negan shook his head. “Laura, Arat and Gavin know how to fucking fight. They wouldn’t have gotten bit and fucking died. This is why I do what I fucking do, Desa. People are fucking weak. All of them. And they fucking die. Everyone I care about fucking dies, and I can’t stop it—”

“What if I die?”

“Don’t,” Negan’s voice dropped, and he raised a hand. Tears prickled in the corners of his eyes, but he held them back. “Don’t say that. Please. Fucking please—”

“It’s going to happen. Even if I do live a long, fulfilled life, I’ll grow old. Sick. I’ll die eventually. We all do,” Desa pressed. “It’s a matter of when, not if. While we’re here we should do something meaningful. If it means laying down our life so that others — our child, their children — can prosper? So be it. That’s life, Negan. That’s being human. That’s what I want us, and this place, to be.”

“Okay. Okay,” Negan murmured. “No more talk about dying. I’ll make the change, I promise.”

“Just see how it goes,” Desa whispered, pressing her lips against Negan’s forehead. When she pulled away, she smiled and said, “We’re meeting Rick tomorrow to negotiate, remember?”

“I fucking remember. I’m not fucking excited about it,” Negan rolled his eyes.

“You’ll have me there. You’re not going alone.”

“Desa—”

“Right hand woman, remember?” Desa snuggled against his chest. “Besides, someone needs to be there to keep you from saying something stupid.”