#anyways. just thinking abt it. one of these days ill post more poetry | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gurguliare · 6 years

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@vardasvapors was making vague noises about reading Dream of the Red Chamber so I decided to post another of my favorite scenes... this one is long and not as funny as I think it is, it’s just “two teenagers decide to cheer themselves up by being REALLY SCATHING abt one another’s poetry. then they are gatecrashed by a nun”

Imo the jankiness of the translation adds to the experience here because it makes the whole thing more reminiscent of. 2009 “writers’ society” forums where you got forum ranking points for the length, if not the fairness, of your reviews

Daiyu and Xiangyun had not gone to bed. This big family reunion in the Jia mansion, which the Lady Dowager still complained was less lively than in the old days, as well as her reference to Baochai and Baoqin celebrating at home with their own family, had made Daiyu feel so disconsolate that she had slipped out to the corridor to shed tears. As Baoyu was listless and distraught these days because Qingwen’s illness had taken a turn for the worse, when his mother urged him to go to bed off he went. Tanchun was in no mood for enjoyment either, with family troubles weighing on her mind. And as neither Yingchun nor Xichun was too intimate with Daiyu, that left only Xiangyun to comfort her.

“You should have more sense,” Xiangyun told her, “than to let this scene upset you. I have no family either, but I don’t take it to heart the way you do. With your poor health you ought to look after yourself. It’s too bad of Baochai and Baoqin. They kept saying our club must meet to celebrate the Moon Festival this year by writing a poem together, but now they’ve abandoned us and gone off to celebrate it on their own. Instead of our meeting to write a poem, the men and boys of the house have had things all their own way. As the old saying goes: ‘How can an outsider be allowed to sleep beside one’s bed?’ Well, if they won’t join in, why don’t the two of us write a poem together? Tomorrow we can shame them with it.”

As Xiangyun was trying to cheer her up, not wanting to spoil her fun Daiyu replied, “All right. But it’s too noisy here to have any poetic inspiration.”

“Enjoying the moonlight on this hill is good, but it’s better still by the water. You know that lake at the foot of this hill and Concave Crystal Lodge by the inlet there? A lot of thought went into designing this Garden. The crest of the hill is called Convex Emerald, and the creek in the lake below Concave Crystal. ‘Convex’ and ‘concave,’ so seldom used before, make fresh, original names. And these two places— one above, one below; one bright, one dark; one hill, one water—seem specially designed for enjoying the moonlight. Those who like to look at the moon from a height can come here; those who prefer to see its reflection in water can go there. But as these two words are usually pronounced wa and tu they’re considered rather uncouth. That’s why Lu You’s line ‘The old inkstone, slightly concave, brims with ink’ was scoffed at as vulgar. Ridiculous, isn’t it?”

“Lu You wasn’t the only one to use this word, so did many other writers of old—Jiang Yan in his poetic essay On Green Moss, Dongfang Shuo in his Miraculous and Strange Records, and Zhang Yanyuan in his Anecdotes on Painting when he described the frescoes Zhang Sengyou painted in a monastery. Why, there are too many instances to quote. But nowadays people not knowing this think these vulgar words.

“To tell you the truth,” Daiyu continued, “I’m the one who suggested both names. It was when we proposed names for places which hadn’t yet been given any and marked their localities. They were taken to the Palace and shown to Elder Sister who sent them to uncle, and he was delighted. He said if only he’d known he’d have asked us girls to help with the names, and he accepted them all without changing a word. Well, let’s go to concave Crystal Lodge.”

They walked down the hill, round a bend, and reached the lake. A path by the bamboo railings along its bank led to Lotus Fragrance Pavilion. The little building here, nestling at the foot of the hill on which stood Convex Emerald Hall, had been given the name Concave Crystal because it was on low ground close to the water. As it was so small, with few rooms, there were only two serving-women on night duty; and knowing that the ladies at Convex Emerald Hall would not be requiring their services, after enjoying their share of mooncakes, sweetmeats, wine and dishes, they had put out the lights and gone to bed.

“So they’re asleep—good,” said Xiangyun when they saw that the place was dark. “Let’s enjoy the water and moonlight under this awning.”

Sitting on two bamboo stools they gazed at the bright moon in the sky and then at its reflection in the lake, the moon above and its reflection below rivalling each other in magnificence. It was like being in some mermaids’ crystal palace. As a breeze ruffled the green water of the lake they felt thoroughly refreshed.

“What fun it would be to drink now in a boat on the lake!” exclaimed Xiangyun. “If we were at my home I’d take a boat out.”

“As the ancients often said: ‘What enjoyment can there be if everything is perfect?’“ remarked Daiyu. “To my mind this is quite good enough.”

“It’s only natural for men to hanker for more. Didn’t the old people often say: ‘The poor think the rich have all their hearts’ desire. Try to disabuse them and they won’t believe you—not unless they grow rich themselves.’ Take the two of us, for instance. Although we’ve lost our parents, we’re living in luxury, yet we have a lot to upset us.”

“We aren’t the only ones. Even their Ladyships, Baoyu, Tanchun and the others can’t have their way in everything big and small, even if they have good reason for wanting something. That applies to everyone. Especially girls like us who are living with other families, not our own....”

Afraid Daiyu would start grieving again, Xiangyun interposed, “Well, enough of this idle talk. Let’s get on with our poem.”

As she was talking they heard melodious fluting.

“Their Ladyships are in high spirits today,” Daiyu remarked. “This fluting is pleasant and should give us inspiration. As we both like five-character lines, let’s make regulated couplets in that metre.”

“What rhymes shall we use?”

“Suppose we count the bars from this end of the railing to the other to decide which category of rhymes to choose. For example, if it’s sixteen we’ll use the Xian rhymes. Wouldn’t that make a change?”

“That’s certainly original.”

So they got up to count the bars and found there were thirteen in all.

Xiangyun chuckled, “It would be thirteen! That means the yuan group of rhymes. There aren’t too many for a long poem of couplets, so it may be awkward. Still, you must make a start.”

“We’ll see which of us does better. But we ought to have paper and a brush to write it down.”

“We can copy it out tomorrow. There’s no danger of forgetting it before then.”

“All right then. I’ll start with a pat phrase.” Daiyu declaimed: “Mid-autumn’s fifteenth night is here again....”

Xiangyun reflected, then said: “As on the Feast of Lanterns we stroll round. The sky above is sprinkled with bright stars....”

Daiyu continued: “And everywhere sweet strings and pipes resound. Goblets fly here and there as men carouse....”

“I like that last line,” Xiangyun approved. “I must find something good to match it.” After a moment’s thought she said: “No house but has its windows opened wide. The breeze that softly fans the air is chill...”

“You’ve capped my attempt,” admitted Daiyu. “But your second line is trite. You should go from strength to strength.”

“A long poem with tricky rhymes had to be padded out a bit. We can use some good lines later.”

“If you don’t, you should be ashamed!” Daiyu went on: “But bright as day the fine night scene outside. The greybeard grabbing for a cake is mocked....”

“That’s no good,” laughed Xiangyun. “It’s not classical. You’re putting me on the spot by using an everyday incident like that.”

“I’d say you hadn’t read many books. This reference to cakes is a classical allusion. You should read the Tang dynasty records before you talk.”

“Well, you haven’t foxed me. I’ve got it.” Xiangyun capped the verse: “Green girls share melons, laughing themselves silly. How fresh the scent of jade osmanthus bloom....”

“That really had no classical source,” protested Daiyu.

“Tomorrow we’ll look it up for everyone to see. Let’s not waste time now.”

“Anyway your second line is no good, padded out with expressions like ‘jade osmanthus.’” She continued: “How bright the regal gold of the day-lily. Wax candles set the sumptuous feast aglow....”

“You got off cheap with ‘day-lily,’“ observed Xiangyun. “That ready-made rhyme saved you a lot of trouble. But there was no need to drag in praise of the sovereign on their behalf. Besides, the line after that is mediocre.”

“If you hadn’t used jade osmanthus. I wouldn’t have had to match it with day-lily, would I? And we have to bring in some opulent images to make it true to life.”

Then Xiangyun continued: “Wild drinking games the splendid park confuse. Opposing sides obey the self-same rule....”

“That last line’s good but rather hard to match.” Daiyu thought for a little then said: “Those guessing riddles hear three different clues. The dice is thrown and wins—the dots are red....”

Xiangyun said, “I like your ‘three clues,’ making something colloquial poetic. But you shouldn’t have brought in dice again in the next line.” She continued: “Drums speed the blossom passed from hand to hand. The courtyard scintillates with limpid light....”

Daiyu commented, “You capped my line all right but fell down again on the next. Why keep padding it out with the ‘breeze’ and the ‘moon’ all the time?”

“I haven’t brought in the moon yet. And anyway a subject like this can do with some purple patches.”

“Well, we’ll let it go for the time being. We can consider it again tomorrow.” Daiyu went on: “A silver splendour merges sky and land. For hosts and guests alike the same requital....”

“Why go on referring to others? Why not speak about us?” Xiangyun resumed: “Verses are written turn and turn about. One leaning on the barricade to think....”

“Yes, this is where we come in,” Daiyu remarked, then continued: “One ‘tapping the door’ to make the scene stand out. Engrossed as ever, though the wine is drunk....”

“Now we’re getting somewhere!” Xiangyun went on: “They savour the last watches of the night. Then comes a gradual end to talk and laughter....”

“Here’s where each line gets more difficult,” observed Daiyu, continuing: “Nought’s left now but the waning frosty light. By the steps, dew-drenched hibiscus blooms at dawn....”

Xiangyun exclaimed, “Now what parallel shall I choose? Let me see.” She stood up to think, her hands clasped behind her back, then said with a smile, “All right. Luckily I’ve hit on a word. I was nearly floored.” She resumed: “In the courtyard, mist the albizzia shrouds. Autumn rapids pour forth through the core of rocks....”

Daiyu sprang up with a cry of admiration. “This clever imp had really kept some good lines up her sleeve. Fancy coming out with ‘albizzia’—how did you think of that?”

“Luckily for me, yesterday I dipped into the Selected Writings of Different Dynasties and found this name. I didn’t know what tree it was and wanted to look it up, but Cousin Baochai said, “There’s no need for that. This is the tree whose leaves open out in the daytime and fold up at night.’ Not trusting her, I checked up and found she was right. So it seems Cousin Baochai really knows a lot.”

“It’s just the word to use here, and your line about ‘autumn rapids’ is even more felicitous, better than all the other lines. I shall have to cudgel my brains to match it, but I can’t possibly think of anything as good.” After a little reflection she went on: “Wind-swept leaves gather at the root of clouds. Lonely and pure the Lady of the Star....”

“The parallel will pass but the second line is a comedown,” was Xiangyun’s verdict. “Still, at least the sentiment suits the scene. You haven’t just used an allusion for padding.” She continued: “The Silver Toad puffs and deflates the moon. Elixirs are prepared by the Jade Hare....”

Daiyu simply nodded, then capped this: “The goddess flies towards the Palace of Cold Void. One soars on high to greet Weaving Maid and Cowherd....”

Xiangyun looking up at the moon nodded and continued: “One sails a barque to the heavenly maiden fair. The orb, for ever changing, wanes and waxes....”

“You’re using the same image again,” objected Daiyu, but went on: “At each month’s start and end, but its ghost is there. Clepsydra’s water had well-nigh run dry....”

Before Xiangyun could continue, Daiyu pointed at a dark shadow in the pool and exclaimed, “Look there! That looks like a man in the dark. Could it be a ghost?”

“You’re imagining things again. I’m not afraid of ghosts. I’ll hit it.” Xiangyun bent to pick up a stone and threw it into the pool. Splash! Ripples radiated out to shatter the moon’s reflection, which then rounded out again. When this had happened several times, they heard a cry in the dark shadows and a white stork took wing straight towards Lotus Fragrance Pavilion.

“So that’s all it was,” chuckled Daiyu. “I didn’t think it could be a stork. It gave me quite a fright.”

“How amusing—it’s given me an idea.” And Xiangyun declaimed: “The lamp by the window is no longer bright. A stork’s shadow flits across the chilly pool....”

Daiyu exclaimed in admiration again, stamping her foot. “This confounded stork had helped her! This line is even more original than the one about ‘autumn rapids.’ How am I going to match it? The only parallel for ‘shadow’ is ‘spirit.’ A stork flitting across the chilly pool sounds so natural, apt, vivid and original too! I shall have to give up.”

“We can find something if we both think hard, or else leave it till tomorrow.”

Daiyu still looking up at the sky ignored her. After a while she suddenly laughed and said, “You needn’t gloat. I’ve got it. Listen.

“The poet’s spirit is buried in cold moonlight.”

Xiangyun clapped her hands. “Very good indeed! The only possible parallel. Burying the poet’s spirit—wonderful.” She added with a sigh, “Of course that line’s distinctive, but it’s rather too melancholy. Now that you’re unwell you shouldn’t make such strangely sad and depressing lines which sound ill-omened.”

Daiyu chuckled, “If I hadn’t, how was I to beat you? But I worked so hard on it, I haven’t got the next line yet....”

Just then someone stepped out from behind the rocks on the other side of the balustrade and laughed.

“A fine poem, a fine poem!” she cried. “But it is too melancholy. You’d better not go on. If you continue in this way, these two lines won’t stand out so well and the poem may seem padded and forced.”

Daiyu and Xiangyun, caught unawares, were startled to see Miaoyu. “Where did you spring from?” they asked.

“Knowing you were all enjoying the moon and listening to fine fluting, I came out to admire this clear lake and bright moonlight too and on my way here suddenly heard the two of you poeticizing, which seemed the height of refinement. So I stopped to listen. You’ve made some good lines but as a whole it’s too mournful—or was that fated? That’s why I stepped out to stop you.

“The party broke up long ago and the old lady’s left the Garden. Most of the others here must be asleep, and your maids will be wondering what’s become of you. Aren’t you afraid of catching cold? Come back to my place now for a cup of tea. The day will break any minute.”

“I’d no idea it was so late,” said Daiyu.

The three girls went to Green Lattice Nunnery. They found the lamp before the shrine still lit and the incense in the censer not yet burnt out, but the few old nuns there had gone to bed leaving only one young maid dozing on a hassock. Miaoyu roused her to brew tea. Then came a sudden knocking on the gate, and the maid opened it to admit Zijuan and Cuilu with some old nurses come to look for Daiyu and Xiangyun.

Seeing them drinking tea they said laughingly, “You had us searching the whole Garden—even Madam Xue’s place—for you. We were looking just now in that small pavilion at the foot of the hill, and luckily the night-watchers were awake. They told us two people had been talking under the awning outside. Someone else joined them and they spoke of going to the nunnery. That’s how we’ve tracked you down.”

Miaoyu told the maid to take them to another room to have a rest and some tea. She herself brought out a brush, inkstone, paper and ink and asked the girls to recite their composition, which she wrote down from start to finish.

Finding her in such a good mood Daiyu said, “I’ve never seen you before in such high spirits. If not for that I wouldn’t presume to ask for your opinion. Is this poem worth polishing? If you think not, we’ll burn it; but if it is, will you please make some corrections?”

“I won’t venture to make rash comments, but as you’ve already used twenty-two rhymes I expect you’ve produced your most striking images and if you go on you may tire yourselves out. I’d like to round it off, only I’m afraid I may spoil it.”

Daiyu had never read any poems by Miaoyu, and as the young nun was so eager she urged her, “Please do! That may make out feeble attempts seem passable.”

“We must wind up the poem by reverting to the present situation. If we pass over true feelings and incidents and simply search for striking images and expressions, we’ll be losing our identity and departing from the main theme.”

“Quite right,” they concurred.

Miaoyu picked up her brush and wrote her addition straight off, then showed it to the other two, saying: “Don’t laugh at me! I feel this is the only way to get back to the theme. Then a few sad lines earlier on won’t matter.”

They took what she had written and read:

The incense in gold tripods has burnt out, And ice-white oil in the jade basin forms; Fluting recalls a widow’s lamentations As a small serving-maid the silk quilt warms. On empty curtains a bright phoenix hangs. The idle screens gay ducks and drakes enfold; Thick dew has made the moss more slippery, And heavy frost makes bamboo hard to hold. Strolling again beside the winding lake, Climbing once more the solitary hill, The rugged boulders seem contending ghosts; The gnarled trees, wolves and tigers crouching still. Dawn lights the tortoise pedestal of stone, On outer trellis now the thick dew falls. A thousand woodland birds begin to stir, In vales below a single gibbon calls. How can we stray on a familiar road? Why ask the way to fountain-heads we know? The bells chime in Green Lattice Nunnery, The cocks in Paddy-Sweet Cottage start to crow. With cause for joy, why grieve excessively, Or needlessly display anxiety? A maiden’s feelings none but she can vent— To whom can she confide her nicety? Speak not of weariness, though night is done, Over fresh tea let us talk on and on.

She then appended the title “A Poem Written Collectively with Thirty-five Rhymes While Celebrating the Mid-Autumn Festival in Grand View Garden.”

Daiyu and Xiangyun heaped praise on this ending. “We’ve been ignoring a talent right under our eyes, yet trying to seek what is far away!” they exclaimed. “We have such a superior poetess here, yet every day we pretend to be able to write.”

#hong lou meng #'fuck!! the stork helped her!' my forever collab mood #also good for the mention in passing of baochai's endless fund of trivia

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anything-advice-blog · 7 years

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[TIME SENSITIVE / URGENT] toxic friend

i kno u guys must get like thousands of messages and im so sorry for cluttering ur inbox and pushing this to the front of the line but im just. desperate and really scared and i need to know what 2 do abt this as soon as possible!!! also as a preface i apologize in advance if some of the way i word things in this come off as offensive or incorrect, etc - i truly, genuinely do not mean any harm so please feel free to correct me if i say something that isnt okay!!! also this is REALLY scattered and mega long so bear with me im really sorry! (also im so. so scared the person in question is gonna see this o H MY GOD so i may need to message this blog again asking for this post to be taken down maybe bc im really paranoid im so sorry!! i hope thats ok but i just dont want to risk her seeing this if this all blows up in my face ohrkjdghkjghfdgj!!!) (TW: SUICIDE MENTION, SELF HARM MENTION)

ok so. almost 2 years ago in early 2016 this girl i’d never met before drew me this incredible gift art for my birthday. we started talking and we found out we have a lot of things in common - we both draw and write, we’re just a few months apart from each other in age, we have similar interests and fandoms, n we live less than an hour away from each other and are one state away from one another - so we immediately hit it off n became super close friends. she was amazingly talented n super friendly and nice n stuff so i wanted 2 be friends w her anyways!!!!! @ the time she was in an online relationship with someone several years older than her who lived across the country, and she mentioned a few times she was feeling unhappy and insecure in that relationship and that long distance was really difficult but she was too devoted to her partner to break it off. the most important thing 2 note is that my friend has several severe untreated mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, ocd among others), regularly self harms, and is suicidal. im pretty sure im neurotypical (or at least i definitely am not suicidal / depressed, etc), so while i couldnt relate to a lot of the things she was going through, i always tried to be a listening ear to her and give her advice / support when i could because i knew she was going through a lot of rough stuff. she told me she doesnt have any friends in real life, her parents are separated and her family does not support her or even really know / care about her mental health, and she can’t access any professional help from teachers / counselors / therapists due to her severe anxiety and financial issues for some of the latter options listed. as her relationship with her partner began to crumble, i started bearing a lot of the weight of her struggles - she would vent to me and i would always have to be there for her to support her. i told myself that because she was mentally ill and didnt have any support i would take on that role so she wouldnt have to suffer. over the summer of 2016 she almost attempted suicide like…. twice??? and i talked her out of it and it was terrifying and really exhaustimg to constantly be worried about her.

then almost a year ago, in the winter of 2016, she started getting… clingy? we started talking a lot more and i didnt really get like any bad vibes from her but we were pretty much joined @ the hip and stuff and we started telling each other all of our secrets (so this is when i found out her relationship with her girlfriend was starting to crumble, which i didnt previously know) also she started constantly drawing me stuff??? like Drowning me in gift art and i felt really bad for not being able to reciprocate but she told me not to worry and that she used art as a coping method and stuff. at this time, i was going through some stuff too - obviously not as severe as depression / self harming, etc, but i had just gotten out of an almost-relationship with someone i knew from school, and i was doing my best to distance myself from romance in general since i didnt feel mature or confident enough to be in a romantic relationship yet. i told my friend that i was uncomfortable about the prospect of being in a romantic relationship and she seemed to understand.

anyways right around my birthday this year she revealed to me that she was madly in love with me (???!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?). mind you we had never even talked to each other / video called or ANything like that and we had only sent each other One (1) selfie and. it made me really uncomfortable because she said that like i was her moon and stars and her whole world and everything and she constantly dreamed of me??? and that she had been secretly like writing me love poetry and drawing me Even More Art i didnt even know about and…… it was. really overwhelming. it bothered me for so many reasons besides the fact that we had never communicated outside of like chatting / sending messages back nd forth like…. ok she was still in that long distance relationship at the time even though it was crumbling, and she KNEW!!! that i was uncomfortable about romance but she told me anyways and stuff!!!!!! and AHHH it was just really bad. so i panicked over it for a day or two because i was scared that if i Firmly Said No that she would spiral into a depressive episode and actually fatally harm this time but i wrote her this huge long letter letting her down very, very, VERY gently and apologizing for ever leading her on and stuff. and. she never actually wrote back to that letter or told me that it was okay???? which….. should have been a red flag 2 me but. we moved on as friends even though we did this conscious of the fact that she still loved me like that and i didnt feel the same way. looking back on it i regret it so much because i told her that like i would Always Be There For Her Forever and stuff and??? gfkjhgk yeah it wasnt a good time.

its been almost a year since then. in the spring i got my first smartphone and we added each other on a lot of social media stuff including snapchat and moved all our conversations there, then we decided to call each other and exchange phone numbers and see how that worked. i didnt really think much of it and was excited to hear her voice and have a conversation with her but…….. suddenly that one call turned into two and two turned into three and within a few weeks we were calling each other like All The Time (at least once a week if not more) and like making these really fucking elaborate schedules to call each other????? WHICH LIKE i dont think is a normal thing friends do idk if im wrong but!!!!! i literally call None of my other friends except for her, and a lot of that is bc i actually get really anxious and uncomfortable talking on the phone?? (also not to mention my mom doesnt really like me talking on the phone either….) but i never really told her that it made me uncomf or that it was difficult to mnge like i guess it just kinda.. Happened and became the norm. so now on top of constantly messaging each other multiple times a day now we were calling frequently too and there was suddenly a lot more pressure in our relationship because i had to stress out over making a large amount of time in my day to talk to her. i graduated high school this spring and having to balance the extreme emotional load of that major change with like… suddenly having to fall all over myself to make time to talk to this girl i didnt even really know?? was just really bad and i regret it so much because i feel like i missed out on fully experiencing it i guess. im really really passive and im TERRIFIED of confrontation and i dont like saying no to people or telling them if im uncomfortable because They Will Get Mad At Me and it was especially worse bc of my friend’s mental health and so she and i would talk for hours on end because i was afraid that if i got tired and ended the conversation without a legitimate excuse she would get mad at me and hurt herself. since we could fit way more conversation into like… long long hours of talking and talking, we ended up like. just telling each other literally Everything and she “eventually” fell out of love with me and started trying to meet people who she actually knew irl to date!! which was. kinda good bc she met this one girl and they hit it off but then it turns out she was just….. queerbaiting my friend??? which Sucked so that obviously didnt work out. and then she met another girl on this dating app and they started going out and my friend started talking to me less for a little while. it turns out though……. that my friend’s new girlfriend lives in my town??? like i dont know her but bc of that my friend and i almost met in person bc the two of them met up and went out together and stuff and they were gonna drop by and see me but that didnt work out. im getting off topic here but my point is……… she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore and she started seeing other people.

sadly she and her gf recently broke up. their relationship was also really unhealthy just like…… All Of Her Relationships and that other girl broke up with my friend because she said she needed space (she was depressed too and needed to recover and my friend was being too clingy and attention seeking and stuff so she just ended it in the middle of the night over text.) ofc ive stuck around for all of this and my friend has vented about every tiny detail of this relationship to me and its…. been So Stressful. now that shes single again she’s more depressed than ever - over the summer when she was dating that other girl she stopped self harming but she started again when their relationship started going south and now im really scared she’s gonna hurt herself, esp bc she tried to commit suicide again a few months ago which was terrifying. also another thing thats made me REALLY uncomfortable!!!!!!!! is that she Keeps Bringing Up the fact that she was in love with me whenever we talk on the phone??? like Every Single Time We Talk, Without Fail. even when she was talking abt her new gf with me sh was like. comparing her attraction to her gf to her attraction to Me and talking abt how they were similar and different and. i never had the guts to tell her it bothered me but god it just does So So Much!!!!! because we were never in a real relationship and she doesnt even really know me KDSJFHKHGAHHH im rambling so much this makes no sense at all and this is so long im so sorry ahhhh but im… Stressed!

so….. we’re running up on two years since we’ve met and one year since she told me she loved me. im in college now and she’s still in high school, and she’ll be i college next year too. again, i dont think that im depressed or mentally ill, but ive been struggling a LOT with the adjustment from hs to college and its been really really rough on me emotionally. now that my friend is single she’s been solely relying on me and trying to get me to call her multiple times a week because she needs the extra support now that she doesnt have her girlfriend anymore… but she doesnt seem to understand that i i just dont have enough time or energy to give all of myself to her and fall all over myself to make her feel better, especially when i already feel suffocated by her to begin with AND when im suppposed to be starting this new life and putting all of my focus into that. we’re mutuals on every single social media i have and i feel like im constantly being crushed by guilt whenever i do anything for myself or post stuff bc she can see what im doing constantly. and like she asked me to turn my read receipts on when we started moving from snapchat to texting and i have them turned off regularly so i did and it was really uncomfortable. i keep bending myself over backwards to mke sure im making her happy bc im all she has left.

neither of us have good relationships with our moms and so we’re always sneaking around to call each other and lately ive been calling her at school because obviously my mom isnt there and its less of a hassle to sneak around her and and talk……. but its a double edged sword bc i keep having to isolate myself and skip clubs / studying / hanging out with friends and socializing to talk to her and listen to her vent and its just so exhausting and i feel like im starting to seriously fall behind in other areas of my life im supposed to be getting better in. its hard enough adjusting to this and missing high school and stuff and trying to learn how to be an adult and be independent, and having her weight over my shoulders just is making things so much worse. but if i tell her that she’s choking me she’ll hurt herself (she’s literally said to me, Multiple Times (and recently!!!) that if it werent for me she’d be dead by now or she would kill herself and stuff and im the only thing she’s living for at this point. which. i dont know how to feel about that). i feel so trapped and i can’t say or do anything that indicates that im uncomfortable because she’ll get mad at me and make these passive agressive little side comments or do these alarmed emoticons and stuff or give me the silent treatment for a day or two (which is always scary bc like its Good when she’s not talking to me but when she doesnt im scared that something horrible happened to her!!!!!) and its just. god. ive started lying to her and coming up with fake excuses to get out of calling her because the thought of having to go isolate myself in these empty courtyards or nooks and crannies of my college campus is growing more and more uncomfortable and terrifying to me and i just cant fucking be honest about it because i suck. when i talk on the phone with her i have to be really fake and smiley and stuff and all she does is ramble about how horrible things are going for her and then i have to try and give advice when i just am so bad at talking and socializing already and im dealing w my own stuff and its… Awful. im so so weighed down by this nd i know that if she knew she’s being a…. b*rden to me right now she would be devastated and harm herself and stuff so i cant say anything and im spiraling out of control with THI s but you get the point im just really uncomfortable Always!!!! and i feel like my own emotions are completely 100000% inferior to hers because she’s gone through so much more than me and stuff???? and idk if thats True or if its just the way i feel but i just cant do anything around her bc shes like a ticking time bomb and anything i feel or try to do to protect myself from getting hurt will be selfish bc shes hurting way mre than me!!!!!!!!

anyways her birthday just happened a couple weeks ago and i bought her a tiny present and drew her somehting (i felt super guilty about not doing More for it though because shes done so much for me and also literally nobody except me remembered her birthday, not even really her own family). i havent mailed it to her yet (i told her i would send it this weekend, which is why this is marked as urgent) but we just exchanged addresses for the first time so now she not only knows my name, my age, what i look like, my Entire Backstory Ft. My Deepest Darkest Secrets, and how to reach me whenever she wants wherever she wants, but now she knows Exactly where i live and where i go to school too lol yay!!! anyways im getting really really anxious because i just had my midterms for college and didnt talk to her for an entire week last week but this happened right after her gf broke up with her and i think shes mad at me for taking a week off of talking to her. we were gonna call again today but i weaseled my way out of it bc it was so overwhelming and now i have to mail her this gift this weekend and my mom and other fmily members are all yelling at me about it and demanding that i just like…. Not Send It To Her because i dont owe her anything and tht i should just cut her off but if i do she’ll hurt herself nd she follows me everywhere and knows all of my secrets and stuff and idk im just scared that if i end our friendship she’ll try to ruin my life!!!! Like i dont think she would be petty like that or turn people against me or anything but she’s so obsessed with giving all of herself to other people nd she’s literally said she cant function without being 100000% devoted to somebody and like even after she’s broken up with all these other girls she still…. is obsessed with them and angsts over them and stuff and she does that with me even though i never even dated her or anything aND ITS JUST bad

like. idk i just really needed to get all of that out and im sorry it was so so so long and i dont even know what to do but i guess i marked this urgent because like. do i send her the present???? should i try to just like quietly distance myself from her real subtly so she wont notice or should i just straight up tell her that i cant breathe around her anymore and i just. really need space??? or like to not be friends anymore even though we know everything about each other??? am i being manipulated or is it jsut All In My Head that our relationship is toxic??? like idk if i shoud even cut her off completely or aNYTHING or if we could like even go on being just acquaintances from now on and saying hi to each other from time to time. and i feel so mean and bad for writin all of thisstuff about her when i know shses so vulnerable and i havent concretely communicated Any discomfort around her so if she saw this she would immediately know it was about her and do something Terrible to herself nd she constantly spams me with memes about depression and wanting to die and like…. blows up my phone with like 50 text messages at once and its just so so so much to worry about and i!!! just!!!!!! cant function like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!

anyways that was a huge disorganized mess and im kinda shaking and i dont even think i got all of it down or communicated how trapped and helpless i feel. ive never been in any situation like this before and i hate that she’s…. yeah. she’s really like manipulated me and stuff and i dont know how to get out of it. every time i think about it i feel like bursting into tears because im just so stuck and i dont even know if the way im feeling is even valid or if its all just lke. in my head or something and this is how friends really are Supposed to be because ive never really had a great social life either and my best friends are honestly my brother and sister and they mean everything to me and so i have friends outside of my family but like idk i never like. really was that close with any of them nad stuff nad idk this isnt about me BUT i just uhhh. am kinda crying a little bit and im sorry fo rbeig a big baby about all of this its all my fault for being a Human Doormat and letting people walk all over me nd tellin myself that i can bear that weight when i really have never taken good care of myself before Ever In My Life and stuff. but anyways im gonna stop rambling now and just… to whoever reads this or responds to this or whatever just thank you for hearing me out even if you think im wrong / crazy / Terrible for feeling this way because it just has been so much and i dont know what to do.

Hey there!

There's a lot going on here, but the bottom line seems to be this; you're in a friendship that you don't want to be in, and that you feel is unhealthy for you.

You are not her therapist. You can't fix her, you can't treat her, you can support her, but that's it. You aren't responsible for her. You're forcing yourself to put all this time and energy into something that you're super uncomfortable with, and don't want to be doing, and it's draining you and destroying your own mental health. You have to put yourself first. It's okay to want to help people, but you HAVE to put yourself first, or else you'll burn out and you won't be able to help anybody.

At the very least, you need to talk to her about how you're feeling, and tell her you need to tone down your relationship. What's happening absolutely isn't fair to you. All you can do to help her is your best, and right now, you're not doing your best because you're not taking care of yourself.

I know you're concerned about her hurting herself or killing herself, but you have to understand that you are not responsible for her. If she does something to herself, it's not as a result of your actions. She's traumatized and mentally ill, and those factors are what causes her to hurt herself. Not you. You are not and can not be responsible for her. Period. If she tells you she's going to kill herself or severely hurt herself, you have her address. Call 911 and ask them to dispatch help to her house. She might hate you for it, but an angry person is far, far better than a dead person. That action very well might save her life, and get her the help that she needs, so don't be afraid to do it.

As for the present, it's totally up to you. You did promise it to her, and fulfilling that promise might help you let her down a little bit more gently. At the same time, giving her a permanent reminder of you could hurt her. Maybe you should ask her? Tell her about how you're feeling and that you can't keep going with this intense of a relationship, and have a conversation about that. During that conversation, you could ask if she still wants the present. She might get angry, or it could help soothe her, or maybe she'll have a totally different reaction. It's hard to know.

This conversation is going to be super, super hard. It's going to be hell, quite frankly. She's a super sensitive person, and she's probably not going to take it well. So remember what I said before, about her not being your responsibility, and do a LOT of self care working up to the conversation and after the conversation. I'd recommend making a self care kit, and putting things in it that help calm you down. My personal self care kit contains nice smelling lotion, soft fabric, stuff to play with, gum, tea bags, and notes from friends reminding me that they love me. You could also be texting a friend during the conversation, so that they can reassure you and help talk you through it.

You may not be going through the same things she is, but your feelings and your struggles are valid. You don't need to destroy yourself to help someone that's "worse" than you are. You need to take care of yourself, and keep yourself as healthy as possible. You aren't any less valuable simply because you're not traumatized or self harming. Your mental health is important, and you need to do what's right for you.

I hope this helps!

♥ - Fawn

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