#anyways. i feel like i need to give nyc another chance too but i don't know when i'll get to go

[leefi]

growing up by chicago has spoiled me rotten. i visit any other major metropolitan city and my reaction is always …oh! is that it?

[roguestarsailor]

ranting about how hard it truly is to talk to people out here!! and im just not in a good mood today

i might be just sad because my friends moved to nyc and i miss them and i feel very lonely right now! could also be the bad weather too?

i had lunch w head honcho + 2 other coworkers. we do this yearly and its suppose to be a chance for us to talk to someone we don't usually talk to. its a good idea but at this point im more bothered than anything and it feels like such a chore. the thing is i genuinely try to talk to everybody and meet them where i can!

head honcho is soooo difficult to talk to i swear. idk if he's got time to truly dislike me but i don't get the vibe that we're that chill. but anyways, talking to him is like pulling teeth i swear. he recently had twins and so i was trying to ask him questions about that to get him to talk with me! and he gives me like one sentence answers. he's not mean but it's soooooooooo fucken dry. then i'll try to talk about myself and he doesn't really respond!

during the lunch, one of my coworkers was talking about how during thanksgiving his family makes paella every year and he's unsure why they do that and i was like oh i love paella, that's my goal one day to make it. and then everyone, mostly head honcho who was like oh its so easy just do it and i was like but i need to buy the pan and then hes like just buy the pan its everywhere; it's not that difficult. which ok yeah its true if you break it down step by step and theres an abundant places to buy the pan and get the ingredients and i feel like i have to defend myself. when i say these things i dont mean i physically can't do it it means i don't have the energy to do that in the present moment and it's just something i want to learn to do. i hate when they rag on me and make me feel dumb!

not a single question was ask to me and it was just boys talking to boys. its not like sports or anything but just like work talk, sales, and regular family things especially since thanksgiving is coming up. and i just felt ready to leave. it was so unfulfilling and it wasn't conversation that i can jump in to say anything useful. its so annoying.

times like this is when i really need to figure out how to change my language. i speak and talk to people with the expectation that everyone is participating and open them to speak on their own experiences but maybe i do it so wrong that it makes everyone think i'm dumb and need help?? anyways, its the type of thing where i cant fake my way through. how does he have this so often and can't hold a conversation? or is that reserved for other people? i'd rather sit in silence!!!

i had dinner w another friend and it was also awful ok im being dramatic i think it was just surface level. i think if i have to repeatedly say "oh and look at us that's why we're still friends" i think its a bad sign. that dinner was purely her talking about herself and what she's been doing and how she's got all these people she's got to see and call and facetime and dinners and parties and all that. it's fun to see her be so active but the connection was not there. it was me asking questions and then the same thing that happened at the lunch happened here too. i was saying ugh i want to go shopping and i miss just being able to go. she immediately goes into problem solving mode and tells me oh just go shopping and then proposed we go shopping at this suburban mall where she also has a pizza event and i was like ok yes! this is great! but i am also like wait a minute, it's not even stores i want to shop at?? and she also goes oh i won't be shopping but you can and i dont like that because i don't want to be taken care of, come because you ALSO want to go shopping. you're not my chauffeur and i dont want you to be!

actually i wish people would stop trying to solve my problems. there are times when i ask and times when i am just complaining and ranting! and i want you to rant with me!!! i like when people just get what i mean! when i say ugh i hate that XYZ i'd prefer if they said yeah XYZ is annoying and when ABC happened to me i was just as mad. that's what im looking for. i'm not helpful but i am full of complaints and rants!

i feel like i need to fix my language...but i don't know how to hold a conversation well. i don't want it to be just purely statements. it should be interactive and shouldn't we all be trying to be in someone else's shoes as they speak?

anyways im not happy today. stupid russian man was in my brain today because he is interacting w that friend that moved to nyc's strava and im filled with jealousy and rage and on top of that, it's just so much of these surface level interactions and i am sick of them. absolutely sick of them. fighting my demons and loneliness and it was especially hard today.

[everyvampiremovie]

Summer of Blood

2014/dir. Onur Tukel/86 min

1/5★ 12/13/22

uh... ok. i'd like to try and give a little more explanation for the divisive reviews.

summer of blood follows Erik, a nyc shitbag as he loses his girlfriend (jody) because he won't marry her, then fails three dates before being bitten by a strange man in an alley and wakes up a vampire. that's the description as far as i knew and covers the first thirty minutes of the movie. after awakening, he is fired from his job and stumbles through the streets, failing one hunt before biting a kid who looks like a young weird al yankovic. afterwards he reaches out to the three women he failed before and has great sex with them. he hypnotizes his landlord so he doesn't have to pay rent, and during an orgy the women (who he has turned into vampires) realize he doesn't respect them. he then attempts to win back his ex-fiancee but succeeds only in biting her new boyfriend on the ankle. then he runs into the vampire that turned him and they share a guy and talk back at erik's apartment. the vampire makes a joke that if erik wants to be human again all he has to do is pray to god. erik takes the subway and when he returns home jody is waiting for him, revealing that she and her boyfriend have split. they sit in silence. jump to six months later, it's erik and jody's honeymoon and erik needs to drink. jody offers herself but erik insists his vampirism is a curse, to which jody responds that this is another way for him to avoid commitment. erik leaves and instead of biting a dog, bites his ex coworker. they return to the hotel room where jody is and bite her, before praying to god to make them normal. jody wakes as a vampire and asks when they're going to fuck.

the score was occasionally good? especially the synths that came in at tense moments. cinematography is fine, it doesn't get in it's own way and occasionally pulls out for those beautiful shots that incorporate urban decay and seem inevitable in nyc but i know takes significant sight scouting, planning, and lighting. actors are pretty good, probably the two stand outs were anna margaret hollyman as jody and melodie sisk as blake. onur tukel could kill it in the gay community but moving on.

i theorized before i watched this that the movie would be ironic with erik, that he's a shitty guy and everyone knows. people who left positive comments were able to buy into that, to understand it as tukel wrote it, and people who didn't did not understand it. i guess i erred on that side thinking of bad media takes where "problematic protagonist=glorifying bad behavior" and hoped it wouldn't be "i understood the irony, and it was bad anyway."

partially i feel like this is because the humor doesn't hit for me. like, here's an example where erik runs into jody's boyfriend outside her apartment.

ERIK: are you seeing jody?

BOYFRIEND: no no no. i'm going to vacuum the carpets. I do that for the building.

E: really? is that why... really?

B: no. i'll be honest with you. there's an old man on the third floor. he's got boils all over his back. i'm here to lance them.

E: oh you're a lancer? i thought you were a lawyer.

B: no, no, no, no. i'm a freelance lancer. A freelancer, if you will.

E: that's funny because i have a cyst you can lance, (flips him off) right here on the tip of my finger.

B: you couldn't afford me.

E: you're wasting your time, bucko. she still loves me. and you don't have a chance in hell.

B: ask me how big my dick is.

E: excuse me?

B: ask me how big my dick is.

E: no. ... how big is it? how big?

B: ask jody's vagina.

it's written like improv, but it's definitely written. it's a little too stilted, the boyfriend too sure of what he's going to say next. i saw another review compare S.O.B. to What We Do In The Shadows and personally it isn't even close. compare this scene with deacon's sexual dancing for his friends? or the shaming? or nick trying and failing to be cool? the swearwolves? come on.

if you find the humor funny you may be satisfied by that alone. if you think a guy being awkwardly racist to a woman on a date is funny then this is your movie. some people really like awkward humor! and the acting/cinematography/score is by no means bad! but without the humor this movie is pretty rough.

and erik DOES get back with jody in the end. the boyfriend fucks a goat. it's not one of those movies where everyone is a terrible person because jody says one mean thing once but is otherwise lusted after and put on a pedestal. erik changes (he gets a cellphone, gets married, wants to change) but doesn't change enough (bites another woman on his wedding night, bites his new wife when she's trying to leave him, asks for a selfish prayer after having been selfish the whole movie). so what's the point? guy who eats shit gets to suck and fuck forever with hot women... why? because he manipulates them? is this supposed to be one of those "that's how it is in the real world, kiddos!" things?

there were two moments (three but two are related) where i got really interested. the first one i'll mention is when the boyfriend popped erik in the nose when he was trying to hypnotize him. it was so good to see erik finally get his shit rocked. it made me so hopeful that the movie would end with him dying, it didn't even have to be moral or anything he just sucks so bad. immediately after he's punched jody goes all soft and gets him a washcloth and the boyfriend starts really curdling when he gets his ankle bit.

the other two moments were (one) when the vampire is drinking erik's blood and erik goes to kiss him and (two) when the vampire is taking a shower at erik's apartment and has erik wash his back. partially i was expecting some homophobia, which would have been SOMETHING to react to, but when it wasn't i was pulled in. it was more one of those naruto/sasuke "guy is so misogynistic it becomes gay" things. of course a misogynist would have a moment with a man that makes is crystal clear his unwillingness to help others is to his own detriment. ONLY a man could show you your own human failings when you only see men as humans.

but erik is incapable of real change. he can't become worse, more vampiric. he can't become better (human again), can't do the most moral thing a vampire can do (traditionally) and die, all he can do is go back and ruin the life of the human he wants to most. he could have other people, but he doesn't. he wants to have jody AND cheat on her. (specifically saying "have" here to reflect erik's mindset)

i read a comic onur tukel wrote in early 2020 about his newest movie, Black Magic for White Boys, where he's describing the political climate that led to the movie. he points out homelessness, gentrification of black neighborhoods, and liberal blindness to its own harm. then he talks about how the three white archetypes of this movie don't improve. because he's a pessimist, and does anyone expect anyone to get better, anyways? we should just stop canceling people like jk rowling, stop destroying public property (like statues of george washington), and vote :)

S.O.B. could be about men. unable to change, terrible but unaware of the scale of their actions because they're so blinded by the need to feel good, every moment, at any cost. S.O.B. could be about people, cruel to each other in new ways every day. S.O.B. doesn't have enough form to be about form. Doesn't have any significant genre leanings, doesn't do anything clever or new or insightful, doesn't have anything really to say except "what if the shittiest guy you knew went on a big adventure to change his life, stayed the same, and still got everything he ever wanted anyway." And man, if i wanted more of that i would just go on twitter.

[musette22]

As it's Chris' birthday today, what's your Evanstan headcon for how they are spending it? We don't know if Chris is still in LA (as far as I know), do you think he might be back in Boston to be with his family? That would mean Seb could easily visit him now that the lockdown in NYC is over. Or would he fly to LA to celebrate with his bf? (He hasn't been seen in NYC in the last couple of days either, right?) Or will the only hang out virtually? I would love to know what you are imagining 😊

Hello darling!! So yesterday, I said I probably wasn’t going to write any Evanstan for a while, but then I woke up this morning and had a lovely little Evanstan headcanon fantasy about Chris’s birthday - as you do - and then I thought screw it, let’s write this thing. So here’s a little drabble (well, it should’ve been a drabble) about how Chris might have spent his birthday 😘

A/N: This is just a nonsensical little fantasy scenario that doesn’t actually make any sense, but the idea made me happy, so I hope it’ll make you guys happy too! Don’t look too closely, please, there’s some overlap with previous fics and this was all written very quickly and hasn’t been edited properly because it’s late where I am and I need to sleep lmao 🙈 Sorry about that!

Happy birthday, Mr. America 

*********

Chris likes surprises, generally speaking.

Not the nasty kind, like when a part unexpectedly falls through, or someone gets angry at him out of the blue and he doesn’t know what he’s done wrong. But he likes it when exciting things happen and shake things up a bit, like when he’s having a lazy day alone at home, and a friend suddenly shows up on his doorstep to tell him, change of plans, we’re going bungee jumping. When that happens, Chris will happily drop whatever he’s doing and jump in the car, because that’s the kind of thing that makes him feel alive.

So when he arrives at the Evans’ family house today, on his birthday, and is greeted by a chorus of Surprise! and Happy Birthdays from a bunch of people he hasn’t seen ages - literal years, in some cases - Chris is delighted and touched; excited to see familiar faces and catch up with his friends and family.

That excited feeling lasts for a solid few hours, until his Aunt Melanie corners him and starts telling Chris about her Pilates instructor. This isn’t the first time she’s tried to set Chris up with whichever wonderful girl she’s most recently met and feels would be perfect for Chris, but this time she’s really hammering on about how she just can’t understand why a good-looking, successful young man like him hasn’t found a wife yet. She no doubt means well, but that doesn’t mean Chris is about to go on a blind date with her Pilates instructor.

When he’s finally managed to excuse himself under the pretense of needing a bathroom break, he sneaks off to the back of the house, to his dad’s old study. As soon as the door closes behind him, he lets out a sigh of relief and leans back against it for a moment, catching his breath. He loves his family to bits, but there’s no denying they’re a lot. There’s a sofa in the study, a wide, navy blue one, and Chris lies down on it, stretching himself to his full length. He closes his eyes, hoping to nap for a couple of minutes, but no dice. His aunt’s comments play in his head on a loop, causing something uneasy to stir in his stomach.

The thing is, she’s right. He should already be married and have a couple of cute kids to dote on. He’s wanted to have a family and settle down for a long time, ever since he got done with sowing his wild oats and calmed down a little. He’s the long-term relationship kind, and there had been a few girlfriends with whom he thought he definitely could see a future.

That had been Before, though. Before Sebastian Stan had waltzed into his life and upended everything Chris thought he knew for certain, complicating everything in the best and worst possible way. After the initial shock of developing feelings for another guy wore off, Chris had simply accepted his infatuation as a fact of life, and it had become something he carried with him always, but never acted on or even spoke of. He wouldn’t know where to start. It was clear there was something between them, though. The way Sebastian looked at him sometimes… It had to mean something. For the longest time, they’d danced around each other, always just shy of outright flirting, and there had been a few times when Chris really thought something might finally happen between them. But it never did.

And now it never would. They’ve hardly even seen each other, over the past year, after they stopped working together. Sure, they kept in touch from time to time, but there is only so much keeping in touch two work friends can plausibly do before it gets weird or necessarily has to turn into something else. And Chris thought he’d accepted that, more or less.

But then last week, he and Scott had gotten drunk together – like really, stupidly drunk. At around 3 in the morning, Scott had put on The First Avenger so he could make fun of Chris in his skin tight leggings, and then suddenly Sebastian’s face had been right there on his TV screen: larger than life, young and handsome like he’d been when Chris first felt that tug in his gut when he’d looked at him.

And Chris, whose brain-to-mouth filter unfortunately ceases to exist entirely whenever he’s had too much to drink, had just blurted out, “I think I’m in love with him.”

Initially, Scott had thought Chris meant that Steve was in love with Bucky. 

“Well, clearly,” he’d slurred. “They’re soooo gay, oh my god.”

And instead of using the misunderstanding to cover up for his unfortunate drunken slip-up, Chris had slowly shook his head and corrected, “No, with Sebastian. ‘M in love with Sebastian. Have been for a long time, I think.”

He’d passed out not long after, possibly his subconscious’ way of trying to protect himself against the barrage of questions from Scott that Chris had been in no state to answer in that moment. Inevitably, Scott had tried to talk to him about it the next day, but Chris – hungover, embarrassed and annoyed with himself for opening his big mouth and spilling this secret that he’d managed to keep for close to a decade – had told Scott to leave it and that he didn’t want to talk about it. Nothing was ever going to come of this now anyway, so it was much better if they could all just forget it ever happened.

Scott and he had gone to dinner at their mom’s that night, and of course, Lisa had instantly sensed something was off. Unfortunately, Chris never did stand a chance in hell against his mother, so when she took him to aside after dinner and outright asked him what was wrong, he’d had no choice but to spill the beans. Besides, if he didn’t, Scott would probably have found a way to guilt him into telling Lisa, eventually - they’d always shared everything with her, after all.

Lisa had been so loving and understanding, just like Chris knew she would, and despite the aching in his chest, he was grateful and a little bit relieved to know he wasn’t keeping something this significant from her any longer. But in the end, it didn’t change anything. Of course, Lisa had asked him why he didn’t just go for it, told him to just go for it, call Sebastian and ask him out for dinner, but Chris had dismissed all her suggestions. It just wasn’t going to happen. Certainly not now, not anymore.

She’d dropped it, eventually, but Chris is under no illusions that he’s heard the last of it.

Since then, he’d tried to put the whole fiasco out of his mind, but then Aunt Melanie started badgering him about his marital status and it had all come rushing back again.

Just when Chris about to give up on trying to nap and head outside to get some fresh air instead, there’s a knock at the door.

Chris sighs, rubbing his eyes. “Come in,” he calls, not bothering to get up because it’s probably his mom coming to check on him. “Hey, mom,” he says, when Lisa’s head does appear around the door.

“Hi, sweetheart,” she replies, smiling. She opens the door a little wider. “There’s someone here to see you.”

“Oh?” Chris says, sitting up a little straighter for whatever friend or family member his mom wants him to meet so urgently, but then Lisa steps aside to reveal –  

Sebastian.

Sebastian is here. In his mom’s house. Standing right there, looking a little apprehensive and unsure, but still so fucking gorgeous it makes Chris’s heart stop for a moment inside his chest, before it starts up again at double speed.

“Hey, Chris,” Sebastian says, and it’s his voice, he’s really here, in Chris’s dad’s old study, speaking actual words at him.

What the fuck.

Chris gets to his feet so fast he feels a bit lightheaded, lightly swaying on his feet before he manages to get some semblance of a reply. "Hi. What- Sebastian. What are you doing here?"

Sebastian’s eyes flicker to Lisa for a moment, looking at her a little uncertainly. She gives him an encouraging nod.

“Um,” Sebastian starts, turning his eyes back to Chris again. “Lisa, your mom, invited me to your surprise birthday party.” He licks his lips nervously. “So, yeah, happy birthday. And, um. Surprise.” The last word is accompanied by a dorky little wave, and Chris is just. Speechless.

Literally, can’t form any words speechless, which is highly unusual for him. When he just keeps standing there, staring a Sebastian like he’s some kind of fata morgana, Lisa rolls her eyes and nudges Sebastian with her elbow.

“Well, go on, then,” she prompts, nodding in Chris’s direction. “He won’t bite.” Then, the look in her eyes turns mischievous, and Chris has half a second to think oh no, before she adds, “Unless you like that sort of thing, of course, but then he'd ask first. I raised him well.”

Sebastian makes a strangled sound, but starts towards him nonetheless, and before he really knows what’s happening, Chris is holding Sebastian in his arms. Holding him in his arms and burying his face in the crook of his neck and breathing him in. Sebastian’s arms go around him, too, a little tentative at first, but growing tighter, more secure, the longer the hug lasts. 

And it lasts, much longer than a casual happy birthday hug between friends is supposed to last, but Chris can’t for the life of him bring himself to let go. He knows he’s clinging, that he’s got his nose pressed to the spot below Sebastian’s ear and that’s probably far too intimate, but Sebastian’s arms around are wound tightly around Chris’s waist and his cheek is presses to the side of Chris’s face, and he’s not letting go either.

Finally, after what feels simultaneously like forever and the blink of an eye, Sebastian inhales shakily, his chest expanding against Chris’s. With Herculean effort, Chris makes himself pull away. But, of course, that brings with it the complication of being able to see Sebastian’s face, flustered and glowing, eyes shining with something unnameable. They’re so close then, their faces only an inch or so apart, and when Sebastian’s eyes flicker down to Chris’s mouth for a split second, Chris’s restraint breaks.

He lunges forward, and Sebastian does the same, and their mouths crash together awkwardly and suddenly, they’re kissing. Really, actually kissing. 

Chris’s hands fly to Sebastian’s face, holding it like it’s something precious, causing Sebastian to make a small, desperate sound that reverberates throughout Chris’s entire body. When he licks at the seam of Sebastian’s lips, Sebastian parts them immediately, letting him in, and Chris is drowning. Drowning in the kiss, in Sebastian’s taste, his smell, the little sighs he’s making against Chris’s lips, like he’s just as overwhelmed and stupefied and happy as Chris is, while they cling to each other like they’re each scared the other’s going to disappear if they dare to let up for just one second.

Eventually, though, they have to break apart for air. Chris presses their foreheads together, unwilling to put any more distance between them than is strictly necessary, still breathing the same air. When Chris eventually opens his eyes, he finds Sebastian looking back at him in a way that makes his knees feel suddenly weak.

"Hi," Seb says, voice low and husky.

"Hey," Chris replies, his hands on either side of Sebastian’s face, thumbs idly caressing his cheekbones.

Sebastian giggles, a light, happy sound that makes his nose do that scrunchy thing it does, and Chris wants to die. He groans, pulling Sebastian back in by the back of his neck –

And then Lisa clears her throat. Sebastian startles; he’d evidently forgotten she was still there, or maybe assumed she’d have left to give them their privacy, but that just goes to show Sebastian doesn’t know Lisa very well – yet.

"Well,” Lisa says, a grin in her voice. “I'll leave you two to it then, let me know if you need anything.” She pauses, before cheekily adding, “Anything at all."

“Yes, thank you, mom,” Chris says quickly, keen to spare Sebastian any further embarrassment. Sebastian’s hiding his face in Chris’s chest as it is, arms still wound around his waist, and Chris is literally about to pass out from how fucking cute that is.

Holding up a placating hand, Lisa finally retreats, closing the door behind her.

Once they’re alone, Chris steers Sebastian towards the couch, sitting down and pulling him into his lap. Sebastian lets himself be guided, straddling Chris’s thighs and giving him a coy look through his eyelashes. Chris blows out a slow breath to center himself a little, bringing up his hands to settle on Sebastian’s waist.

He knows they’ll need to talk about this at some point, but right now he can’t think of a single way to express what he’s feeling, and what this means to him. Right now, all he can do is stare at Sebastian in wonder, relishing finally getting to look at him the way he’s always wanted to: unabashedly, fondly, and very appreciative of exactly how tempting Sebastian’s lips look – especially after having been thoroughly kissed. By him.

“Fuck,” Chris breathes, overwhelmed, leaning in again to catch those pretty pink lips in another kiss.

Sebastian responds beautifully, opening up right away, melting into him. His arms wind around Chris’s shoulders, fingers scratching gently through the hair on the back of Chris’s head, making him shiver.

It’s sweet, at first; lips sliding together lazily, slow and lush, but eventually, the kisses turn a little dirtier, with nipping teeth and teasing tongues. When Sebastian bites Chris’s bottom lip a bit too hard, pulling on it, Chris literally goes cross-eyed for a second. The hand that found its way into Sebastian’s hair tightens instinctively, pulling his head back just a little.

“Oh,” Sebastian breathes, eyelids fluttering, and Chris instantly feels all his blood rushing south.

He can’t believe it. He can’t believe he has Sebastian here, in his lap, looking like innocence and sin wrapped into one, looking at him through heavy lidded eyes like it’s Chris who’s something to be desired. And Chris wants. He wants so bad, with every fiber of his being, to have Sebastian right there and then, but he has just enough presence of mind left to know that they can’t rush this, can’t make any rash decisions they might later regret if they don’t talk about what’s happening first.

Words still seem impossible, however, so instead, Chris takes one of Sebastian’s hands in his and presses a kiss to the center his palm, hoping to convey with that one gesture everything he wants to say but can’t.

When he looks back up, Sebastian blinks at him, his eyes wide and stunned, before he suddenly grabs Chris’s face between his hands and starts planting breathless kisses on his cheeks, his eyelids, his forehead, and even his nose. Chris lets himself be kissed, basks in it, feeling like his heart might burst, and when Sebastian finally presses his lips to his mouth, Chris seizes the opportunity to deepen the kiss. Despite Chris’s best intentions, it turns heated again in no time. Without his permission, his hands slide under Sebastian’s shirt, stroking the smooth, warm skin of his back, while Sebastian mouths at Chris’s jaw, then trails a path of kisses down the column of his neck.

“Seb,” Chris groans, hands tightening convulsively on Sebastian’s waist. “Sebastian, wait.”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry,” Sebastian pants, lifting his head to look down at him. He’s disheveled, his hair a mess, pupils blown, his lips red and a little raw from mouthing at Chris’s beard. He looks stunning.

“Jesus, you’re beautiful,” Chris says honestly, touching Sebastian’s left cheek.

Sebastian ducks his head turning his face into Chris’s palm, but he’s smiling, which makes Chris smile, too, then they’re just smiling at each other like a couple of dorks.

Chris shifts their positions to get more comfortable, tugging at Sebastian until they’re both lying on the couch on their sides, face to face. Pulling him closer, into his chest, Chris swings a leg over both of Sebastian’s, and Sebastian takes the hint immediately, snuggling into Chris and tucking his head under his chin so they’re full on cuddling.

“Best fucking birthday present ever,” Chris mutters into Sebastian’s hair, his hand tracing idle patters on Sebastian’s upper arm. In reply, Sebastian presses a kiss to Chris’s chest, over his heart.

Somehow, they snooze for a little while, just drifting in and out of consciousness, neither of them seeming to want to untangle themselves from the other, until after an indeterminate amount of time, there’s a soft knock at the door.

Chris hums questioningly in reply, not wanting to wake Sebastian, and the door opens cautiously. Lisa pokes her head in again, and the moment she sees them, all wrapped around each other like that, she covers her mouth with her hands, cooing softly.

“Happy Birthday, baby,” she whispers, her eyes shining with affection and pride.

“Thanks, mom,” Chris whispers back, blinking back tears. “Love you.”

From where he’s half asleep on Chris’s chest, Sebastian murmurs, “Love you, too.”

[storiesofsvu]

So what's your opinion on The Stabler and Benson reunion personally I thought it could be better and kind of didn't like the fact that they killed Kathy one because the creators of Organized Crime said his family would be brought back and involved and I just don't understand them killing her off if his family is supposed to play a part in the show and two because now a lot of fans are starting too root for Elliot and Olivia to get together now that Kathy is dead and that is a huge NO in my book like c'mon those two have so many issues to work out after how they left things and even then still NO

I just don’t really care tbh. Like, there’s nothing I can do about it but choose to stop watching the show, and I’m not going to do that.

I think that Kathy being killed was partially so that the Stabler’s would have a reason to stay in NYC. Honestly, Organizeed Crime has the feeling of being able to wrap after 1 season, so I feel like they’re definitely treading water a bit with whether there will be a second season. Anyway, back to Kathy, like, without her death, Elliot has nothing to avenge/crime to solve within nyc, and would just return to Italy with his family, meaning there’d be no organized crime show.

Fans have been wanting that for ages, literal ages and that’s not going to change. It’s low key annoying seeing this much Stabler all over my dash on here cause that side of stuff used to stay on twitter, and I could just come back to this sight when I got bored and just wanted my little lesbian lawyers back 😂 I think that the writers/show creators are going to tease us and now it’s a whole new game of “will they won’t they?” Just look at Rollisi, they’ve been teasing the back and fourth with us since like, s16 (?) and they still won’t actually give it to us. Having Benson do more eps of OC/be a recurring character on that show also means that more SVU watchers will tune in, which bumps the ratings, which looks better and there’s a higher chance of a renewal for OC. They’re already toying with us, having Mariska in the first ep, and then at the very end to tease us with the “i read the letter” but Elliot’s all distracted and they never discuss it/he runs off, it leaves us wanting more, wondering if they’re going to talk and what was in the letter, which means we’ll come back next week to see if it’s brought up again, which, again, bumps the ratings.

I really don’t want it to happen. Olivia’s grown so much without Elliot around, she’s gone and had a totally different life and morphed into a wonderful captain, she really doesn’t need to make another toxic dick choice right now.

Also back to Kathy, not only did she deserve better, but she literally deserved a better marriage. She tried to divorce Elliot, he refused to sign the papers, she kicked him out, then let him back in for one night, and got knocked up. That’s literally the only reason that they stayed together, was for this baby/the kids. Kathleen even calls him out on it in the ep they hook up again. Sure, they made it work and she seemed somewhat happy with him afterwards, but like....nah girl...you shoulda walked out on his ass.

[punkscowardschampions]

Buster & Rio

Buster: Can you come over? I don't care if it has to be late Rio: What's wrong? Are you okay? Buster: No. And I don't wanna be alone here, with this shit, that'll make it worse Rio: Coming as soon as I can Rio: What has she said? Done? Buster: She's threatening to tell everyone about us and stop me seeing Jay if I don't dump you and get back with her Buster: It's fucking stupid and mostly not happening but Christ, I'm so tired Buster: And sick of her Rio: You know she can't stop you Rio: but if you have to then do Rio: Leave me, I mean, not the bit where you bow to her every whim and marry her at once Rio: if it makes it easier to keep seeing Jay, then I get it Rio: I don't know what I'll do but Buster: Fuck off. I won't. I love you Buster: I love Jay too, obviously, but like you said, she can't stop me seeing her Buster: I'll go to court, I don't care Rio: You know I love you too Rio: but I don't want to make your life any more difficult than it is already with her in it Buster: You're the only thing keeping me sane and you know it Buster: I can't lose you Rio: Okay Rio: You're sure? Rio: If you are, then I'll stand by you and support you 1000% Rio: Of course, I will Buster: 'Course I am. I know it felt a bit, I don't know how to even describe it, going from where we were to like bracelets and 'I love you's ' or whatever but it's been a long time coming, yeah? Buster: And I swear I mean it. I'm so sure Rio: Yeah Rio: Me too Rio: I just wish the rest wasn't such a fucking mess Rio: How are we going to face all the people we have to face Buster: I have no fucking clue, honestly, but I know I'll support you in whatever you wanna do or say Buster: We'll handle it together. Somehow Rio: I'm trying to think faster than she can post Rio: We have to get it out there before she does, right? Rio: At least it'll be the truth, I can own that better than whatever story she's concocting rn Buster: Yeah Buster: And it'll be better coming from us, I reckon, still a shock but Buster: They'll see where we're coming from instead of her POV Buster: Though maybe it's better for everyone to think we're just fucking and we can stop? I don't know Buster: That's what she believes Rio: But when we don't Rio: They're just going to think...Fuck knows Rio: I don't think it'll be good but Rio: I just don't know, I can't predict what anyone is going to think or say Rio: Do Buster: We could always let her post it and leave until some of the backlash dies down. Not what a mature dad would do like Buster: But Buster: She doesn't think I am anyway so whatever, yeah? Rio: Where are we going to go? Rio: We can't stay away forever Buster: This is such a headfuck Buster: There's no time Buster: Thriving under pressure is one thing, but she's proper ambushed us Rio: I know, I feel sick Rio: Stalking her feeds like its love Buster: I can't even bring myself to have anything open on my phone other than this convo Buster: How are we even gonna get everyone together to tell them? There's so many of the fuckers Rio: I don't know, mass group chat seems a little blasé Rio: Maybe, we tell the most important ones, and fast Rio: and then let them tell who they need to etc Rio: Let word of mouth do the rest Buster: Fucking hell, Nance is in NYC, I can't be like excuse the time difference but I've gotta just ruin your life again potentially really quick Rio: Oh, fuck Rio: I wish I didn't love you like I do Rio: would be so much simpler, wouldn't it Buster: I know, but don't say that again, okay? Buster: I told Chlo I don't regret you and I meant it Buster: Even if I have to let mum and dad tell Nance and let her think that's how little I care about her Rio: I'm sorry, I don't want it in any other way, and I only want it that way for your benefit Rio: I don't want to hurt you, ever Rio: Run to NYC? Buster: Good Buster: I would if I thought she'd have me. But I've got no right to ask her for that Rio: What if I ask? Rio: Obviously we'd need a place to stay when the shit hits the fan but at least you can do it in person Buster: Yeah Buster: She deserves that much after me being such a shit brother, as Chlo was quick to remind me Rio: You've had your moments but she still loves you, Buster Buster: Maybe she shouldn't Buster: Maybe I should just stay away from her Rio: Why? Buster: She's finally landed on her feet with uni like, she doesn't need me ruining everything for her again Buster: She's close to you and I've taken the piss so much already, she might not understand why I'm doing this Rio: I know but Chlo isn't going to help her understand, is she? Rio: If we're doing this Rio: if its worth it, we have to go in Rio: we're going to hurt people, and its gonna be fucking horrible Rio: but, it'll hurt me to have to leave you, and that's the only alternative we have left Buster: You're right. Making a habit of being, yeah? Buster: Looks like I'm getting on another flight then Buster: If I pass uni myself at this point nobody can say shit about my ego Rio: You know you can, you will Rio: Obviously you have to tell her alone Rio: but do you want me to come? Rio: I have the funds Buster: I want nothing more but what about your family? Besides Billie they are all here Buster: If you want to tell your parents first I can't blame you Rio: Maybe I'm being a coward, but I'm not convinced Chlo will actually do anything, she would've just done it, surely? I think if you can keep her talking, even if its arguing, it gives us time...like its all she has over you Rio: She'd be a moron (more than she is) to just let go of it that easy Buster: I reckon you're onto something, babe Buster: Or you just really want a holiday like Rio: How did you guess? Rio: Gonna have time and desire to see all the sights, like Rio: I just think...I don't know, she might wanna hear my side too, maybe, and it might help if she does Buster: Yeah Buster: I wish we could take Jay. I hate the thought of leaving her with Chlo right now Buster: And she can work any room, 'course Buster: No chance of staying mad with that face around Rio: Yeah Rio: I don't trust her as a Mum, I wouldn't say that just 'cos I'm the petty new woman, you know that Rio: I seriously don't Rio: but you said her 'rents are decent and do most of the work Rio: Sure they still will be, they'll look after her, even if Chlo won't Buster: Same. It's what scares me about her. More than anything she's ever threatened Buster: Thank Christ she still lives at home Buster: And Jay's too young to believe any shit she says against me Rio: She's going to know who you are, and what a good Dad you are Rio: You'd never let Chlo get away with that, and Jay wouldn't believe her over you Rio: who's put in the actual work, after-all Rio: just another thing she'll lament about, wah wah no one loves me Buster: I need to believe that or I'll properly crack up like Rio: Its the truth Rio: I promise you Buster: You're the best Buster: I know it shouldn't be a competition of who I fucked over more or whatever but you or Erin would never do this Rio: Most wouldn't Rio: Unlucky for you, you found one who will go above and beyond to fuck up your life Buster: Yeah Buster: How soon could you leave for NYC? Rio: As soon as you can Rio: Not ideal for either of us but Rio: Gotta be done Buster: I'm emailing my professors to get extensions and shit as we speak, not that a family emergency anywhere near covers it Buster: Fuck's sake Rio: No shorthand for this situation Rio: Though I'm sure they'd all love to know the drama Buster: Oh fuck, all my old friends are gonna lap this up Buster: Been waiting on my fall from grace Rio: Do you care? Rio: Most of them were cunts, has to be said Buster: Only thinking of you, babe. Not to late for you to hit up James again and choose him instead Rio: Please Rio: He was good for a warm bed and nothing else, you fool Rio: Try to forget that ever happened, like Buster: Good. Me too Rio: I already wanted you then Buster: I know Buster: And you know I did too, yeah? Rio: I knew for definite after Rio: Got no poker face and the jealousy was palpable, babe Buster: Fuck off Buster: Not my fault you're proper desirable Rio: Just write that on a postcard and be done with it, I reckon Rio: They'll all understand Buster: You just saved us a trip. Well done Rio: Always thinking, me Rio: Now we can hide forever just you and me Buster: I'm thinking my ma's poker face skipped a generation and my daughter got it all Buster: Yeah. I'm looking at flights there and not back, casually Rio: I reckon you might be right Rio: she certainly knows how to wrap you around her little finger already Buster: You being giving her sly lessons? I know her mother can't teach her anything about that Rio: What can I say? Make the most of my time Rio: Nah, just a girl after my own heart, like Buster: Take your word on that like Buster: We might need that hustle you've got if my parents disown me so can't complain Rio: They won't will they? Mine either Rio: Oh God Buster: I don't see how mine can after how they got together Buster: Basically brother and sister depending who you ask Buster: But who knows Rio: And everyone knows about Joe and Ronnie but they still talk to them Rio: am I just being stupid and naive thinking it might end up okay? Rio: not just wishful thinking is it Buster: True. I forgot about them, which shows how many fucks I give Buster: We can do this Buster: It ain't illegal, even if Chlo reckons otherwise. I could marry you if I wanted like Rio: Yeah, it'll just be adjusting to it Rio: like we had to Rio: all we can do is give everyone time Rio: but they can't make us not Buster: Let them be mad if they gotta but I ain't Buster: I love you too much Rio: I love you Rio: I have to be with you Rio: I don't know where I'd be if you hadn't have been there for me throughout all the bad shit Buster: I know you'd have made it, but I'm still glad I was there anyway Buster: If only 'cause I'm a selfish cunt Rio: I don't know Rio: I just know I don't just need you, I want you too Rio: That's all Buster: I feel the same, trust me Buster: I know it's stupid but I can't help wondering what Edie would make of this Rio: Probably thank me for taking the heat off her... Rio: I think she'd get it, she got most things, even the shit other people didn't want to touch Buster: Yeah Buster: We can get a flight tomorrow if I throw enough cash at it. Can you handle that? Rio: Yes Rio: Let's do this Buster: Make sure you tell Indie at least Buster: We can worry about Nance at the last possible moment Rio: Will do, at least she can cover for me if needs Buster: My mum and dad probably won't notice I've gone unless Chlo goes through with her threat and the shit hits the fan Rio: She's not got the bottle Rio: We'll be back to tell them as soon as we can Buster: Actually want you to be a know-it-all Buster: What's the world come to? Rio: Fuck knows, babe Rio: It ain't coming to an end though, not like she wants Buster: Come over tonight and I'll take you home to get packed in the AM Buster: Not leaving your side Rio: Of course Rio: I'm going to take care of you Buster: You can prove that to me later Buster: There's nothing I want more Rio: I'm going to Rio: Gonna show you why I'm worth this Buster: I already know Buster: But I'm always ready for you to tell me again Rio: You deserve it Buster: So do you, babe Rio: I love you so fucking much Buster: I love you too Buster: No matter what Rio: We're gonna have it all, remember? Buster: I won't forget Buster: I'm packing and I swear any drawer I pull out either has something of Jay's in or something that doesn't belong there which she's helpfully put there Buster: It doesn't feel like she was here long enough to do all that Buster: And it's gonna kill me if I can't see her again sometime soon Rio: You will Rio: That's why we're sorting this now, and not running Rio: For her, yeah? Buster: Us too though. 'Cause it has to be better in the long run Buster: We've done our share of lying and not saying what we mean Rio: Yeah Rio: We would've always had to have done this Rio: or stop Rio: she's forced our hand but Rio: I'm so tired of the lies anyway Buster: Agreed. Tempting as it'd be to wait until Jay's in college herself, I can't either Buster: She's done us a favor really, which she'll love Rio: Yeah, let that fuel you Rio: She's going to get nothing from this, she's only gonna fuck herself up Buster: Exactly. I tried to warn her as much Rio: She can't be told anything Rio: Fuck her Buster: Not again, cheers Rio: I'd be jealous but even my brain can't make that scenario believable Buster: Thank Christ 'cause if it could I'd have to reckon you don't know me like I thought you did Rio: No one's that self-destructive Rio: Not even you Buster: No arguments here Rio: Good Buster: Bad enough I did it the once Rio: Thank God for Jay Rio: otherwise that'd be nothing but an awkward regret forreal Buster: Any other mother if I could though, honestly Buster: I'd rather it was Indie even Rio: Um, I wouldn't Rio: She is all you though, sure you could've got her from someone else like Buster: Yeah? You reckon Buster: I wonder what the next one will be like when she's born Rio: Same Rio: Exciting Buster: We've been throwing some names around and none of them have made me cringe like Chlo's choice of middle name for Jay so that's a start Rio: That's a start Rio: All I know is she'll be dead cute too Buster: I'm sure Erin will be well happy you feel that way about her like Buster: But seriously, you're too much and I can't get enough of you still Rio: Shut up, she might not legit try and murder me like Chlo but I still don't think I should try my luck, like Buster: You'd be within your rights to murder Chlo yourself, some of the shit she said Rio: Yeah? Rio: Can't say I'm surprised Buster: I wasn't either Buster: Shut her up anyway though Rio: 'Course you did, so chivalrous forever Rio: My hero Buster: What can I say? I know what you like Buster: She tried to talk shit about Nancy too Rio: Cunt Rio: Nance is 10 times the person she'll ever be Buster: Yeah Buster: She proved it by bringing her up, as if she hadn't done enough already Buster: Trying to call her a freak 'cause in her mind it compares, the monsters she reckons we are and Nance being gay Rio: Shown herself up there Rio: Think what you like about us but get with the times on the gay thing, babe Buster: And she thinks she's the one fit to raise my daughter while I ain't Buster: Jay could be gay for all we know Rio: I don't think she even thinks that, she just chats shit for her own benefit Rio: She can't possibly think she's doing good Rio: Don't know if she cares Buster: Pretty sure she doesn't Buster: She basically said she only wanted Jay so she could play happy families with me Buster: Like there was no point to being a parent if she couldn't have that Rio: What the fuck Rio: She's so Rio: You had no say, she did Rio: she should've really wanted her Rio: So horrible Buster: I wish I could take Jay off her but there's no way Rio: Yeah that'd be near impossible Rio: She's not that level of awful Rio: When you're finished with Uni, set up, she'll have to custody share properly Rio: Get that sorted Buster: Yeah Buster: Maybe she'll get better over time, once the new baby is here and me and you are still going strong, giving her no choice but to accept things even if she doesn't want to see sense Rio: Can but hope, babe Buster: Fuck it I'm coming there. I need a drink. Buster: And seeing you wouldn't hurt either Rio: Yeah? Rio: I won't be mad about that either Buster: I'll stay until you're done. Keep you company like you've done for me Rio: I'll get to pouring Buster: Good Buster: Be there soon

[madsmarzipanjensen]

Hey, you probably don't remember me but we were in the BYU dorms together. Anyway, I've been struggling with my abusive family and Mormonism and I'm trying to break away from both. Can you give me some advice on becoming independent?

Thanks for reading out. So terribly sorry you are experiencing this... I can only type out so much on Tumblr, so please feel free to pm me and we can chat more. 

I’m not sure what your specific family situation is/what sort of abuse you’re experiencing (be it emotional, physical, etc), so the best I can do is share what is was like when I left, sought a new life, and tried to rewire a lot of negative behaviors and beliefs that were engrained in me.

Within Mormonism and my family unit, I experienced different types of manipulation from people who loved me very much but didn’t have enough perspective or understanding to realize what they were doing, how they were perpetrators of a pretty gnarly belief system. My mother was terrified of me becoming a woman, no longer her obedient little girl following her around. The idea of me identifying myself as a separate entity and recognizing my body/sexuality absolutely terrified her.  

We first started having issues when I began my transition out of Mormonism, which I think really began when I was fifteen and had read an amazing article written by Elna Baker for Rookie. (My first semester at BYU, I also wrote a piece for Rookie where I talked a bit about my experience.) I’d try to explain my feelings to seminary teachers/bishops/friends/family members and so desperately wanted them to understand how their actions and words were hurtful to a developing teenager. These efforts unfortunately had no effect at all. I realized that nothing I said could convince them of another worldview, that only time and maybe luck could do that.

So flash forward a few years and, as you know, I wound up at BYU. Living in the dorms was really hard, especially at Helaman Halls where I felt excluded, alienated from the other girls, and couldn’t find anyone like myself. I hit rock bottom the summer after my freshman year… The stress of having to pretend to be someone else, the censorship of my speech/attire/behavior/etc, and a staggering sense of confusion and self-loathing became too much and I was hospitalized for depression.

You’d think I would take that as a sign to leave, but I was so worried about disappointing my family that I returned to school for my third and final semester. I made it through by rarely going to class, going on road trips, meeting new people, and found freedom in distancing myself from family, Provo, and religion. I was lucky to have met a group of girls through Rookie and to also have a boyfriend in Los Angeles (thanks, Tinder) who encouraged me to follow my heart and leave. So on Christmas Day, having finished finals, I told my family I’d be leaving BYU for good, that there was no chance of me being Mormon again, that I couldn’t handle pretending to be someone else anymore, and I hopped on a plane to Los Angeles with $900 saved up.

I lived with my boyfriend for several months while I saved up to get my own room. Moving to LA was SO HARD. I was scared, lonely, had no friends/job/skills that most 19-year-olds do bc of growing up in a community whose primary focus seemed to be preserving my innocence. (Do you relate to that?) I had no idea how to support myself, how to be an adult, how to be a girlfriend, how to not feel guilty for drinking coffee or having sex, the list goes on and on and on. I did not anticipate it to be that hard, because people often remarked how “mature" I was for my age. I discovered while I was over developed in some areas and significantly underdeveloped in others.

My experience transitioning out of Mormonism, dealing with family, and working toward independence was clumsy and insanely difficult in every way imaginable.. At times I worried I made the wrong decision when I didn’t reap any immediate rewards. I assumed I’d show up in Los Angeles and easily shift into this new life, find work, make friends fast, and have a healthy relationship with my boyfriend- void of heaviness, mistakes, or anxiety. This was absolutely not the case- I don’t know why I expected there to be no growing pains in the midst of such a massive shift.

I experienced difficulty making decisions and trusting myself because I never had to establish my own morals or guidelines- they were always set by my bishop, my parents, the prophet, or the Word of Wisdom. It became clear that I actually didn’t even know who I was or how things specifically affected me. Was I okay with casual sex or did I want to wait til I was in a relationship or married? Was I bisexual? What were my drinking limits, do I want to drink at all? Do I pray, do I believe in a God? Do I even want to participate in one religion, or combine all the good parts into something that is my own? 

Rather than finding these questions daunting, I’ve realized that literally every person goes through this- that depending on my experiences these are questions I’ll always have and that I’ll always be working on, defining, and redefining. In seeking independence, there will be moments of bliss when you feel eager, excited, and full, but there will also be periods of uncertainty, clumsy encounters with people who don’t understand why you might feel stressed about drinking coffee or alcohol, or learning to juggle multiple jobs to support yourself if your family won’t help out financially.

I hope you know that there are people out there who are going through what you’re going through… In November I went to this amazing Mormon Transitions Retreat in NYC where John Dehlin and Elna Baker spoke. The experience was life-affirming and some really powerful discussions were had. There is one coming up in SLC, if you’re interested in going. It’s a private, anonymous event, attended by people who have left, who haven’t, and who are wavering in-between. There are also scholarships if you can’t afford to pay for the event. (I definitely couldn’t!)

I’m sending so much love your way and hope you trust in your decision no matter how many bishops, family members, or friends thrust their opinions onto you. Save up money, find supportive people and reach out to them if you ever feel alone or need to vent. Love your family (or don’t!) and understand where to draw the line, assert yourself, and practice self-preservation. Also, if you can’t handle such a drastic transition right now, it’s totally fine to do things at your own pace, in your own time. I’ve met several people who I had no idea were struggling with faith/family at BYU but decided to stick it out for cheap tuition. The way I ultimately made the transition and dealt with family was rather abrupt, not very sensible, and I made countless mistakes along the way, but I didn’t really know how else to do it… Do what you, and only you, know is right for yourself, be patient, and know that it takes time. xx