#anyways….i love when my beloveds try to cheer me up bc i get shit like this sent to me AGSHSJS

[maiteo]

my friend sent this so we can laugh at the braids obvs but all I see is the arsenal calendar

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

ok so like i get where ppl are coming from with the “the crew loves izzy” takes but also like. ok. i think that take involves a certain amount of reading very deeply into the text to a degree that is almost reading against the text at some points. it’s like when ppl pour all this energy into an underdeveloped and unportant side character—none of those layers ppl add to the character are strictly contradicted by the text, but it clearly wasn’t what the writer intended for anyone to really focus on. and yeah, death of the author, just bc the writers didn’t intend for ppl to think abt something that hard or care about it that much doesn’t mean we’re not allowed to do whatever the fuck we want. but bc i love analyzing the shit out of this show i do want to talk about WHY i think the textual support for this headcanon isn’t rlly there.

first of all. when archie is like “why are we trying so hard to save this guy, he’s kinda a dick” and jim’s like “yeah but he’s our dick.” rather than elaborate on what makes izzy special to them they’re like “it used to be that the crew all had each other’s backs no matter what and things were better back then” while reminiscing fondly about 1. olu and 2. that shot from season 1 where the whole crew is hanging out except for izzy who’s sulking in the background hating everyone. if this was supposed to be an “izzy’s a dick but we love him anyway” moment i would expect jim to talk about. yknow. izzy. instead to me ot comes across more like an “izzy’s a dick but crew is crew, we stick up for each other even if we don’t particularly like each other bc it’s us against the world” which isn’t as impactful from an izzy stanning perspective but i think makes for, like, an interesting allegory abt the queer community. we all gotta defend the rights of ppl in our community even if those specific ppl are dicks and we don’t get along with them.

second of all. after they save izzy’s life and get caught by ed they all leave the room and then a few minutes later a gun goes off. maybe someone saw ed leave the room before the shot was fired, but either way they think either ed just killed izzy or izzy just killed himself. and then they DO NOTHING ABOUT THIS. nobody checks on the body. they put all this effort into saving izzy’s life and then when their efforts are foiled they do not seem that bummed out about it. the next scene with any crew member in it is frenchie talking to ed on deck, and ed is like “go take the day off” and frenchie is like “oh nice!” and he’s like, confused and a little concerned about ed suddenly steering the ship rlly erratically, but he also seems pretty excited about getting some time off (after so many raids in a row i would be too lol). and THEN!!! in the next scene where we get the whole crew, they’re crowded in the hallway that leads out to the deck and the conversation they have isn’t “oh my god i can’t believe ed killed izzy after we cut off izzy’s leg” it’s “maybe ed’s better now? maybe killing izzy was all it took? he seems pretty cheerful for the first time in ages, maybe ed’s okay?” like literally they think ed just killed izzy and they are more worried about ed’s emotional state than they are grieving a beloved shipmate

then in 2.04 the crew B plot is so blatantly “the crew struggles to trust each other again but after seeing izzy be incredibly sad and pathetic they remember that a good crew has each other’s backs no matter what and so they extend izzy some unearned kindness and make him a new leg” that i’m amazed that other interpretations even exist. like literally they’re all drawn away from screaming at each other with weapons drawn by izzy making some dramatic announcement and then falling and then drunkenly crawling away and refusing their help rambling “youre born alone you die alone” over and over again or whatever melodramatic bullshit he said. like he’s muttering abt being miserable and alone and there’s a WHOLE ROOM OF PEOPLE!!! standing RIGHT THERE!!!! like “oh hey man do you need help standing up? no? no ur just gonna crawl away? um. ok.” and then they all go “well at least we’re not as fucked up as that guy. maybe we should do something nice for him?” like they are literally almost explicitly motivated by pity, not fondness. which yeah, it’s probably fucked up the way they use izzy’s new disability to sort of emphasize how pathetic he’s being, but i think the intention there is not that izzy’s pathetic bc he’s disabled, he’s pathetic bc he’s refusing to accept help. like the crew doesn’t go “yikes 😬 at least we don’t have his issues” abt izzy falling down when his makeshift prosthetic breaks, they go “yikes 😬” when he bats away their hands and goes on a weird mumbling tirade. definitely not the most sensitive way to depict izzy in this mental state, but that’s a different post probably. for the sake of THIS post tho: the takeaway i got from this scene is that the crew is remembering how to be there for each other again. it’s easier for them to let go of their paranoia and stop being so defensive and distrustful when izzy is there as an example of what happens when you’re TOO defensive and distrustful. “the crew makes a leg for izzy bc they care about him on a personal level” did not seem to be the focus of that story arc. to me.

in 2.05 we get our first ever instance of a character expressing appreciation for something izzy said or did or some trait he expressed (except for stede that time in 1.06 when izzy backed stede up on wanting to do a fuckery, which he only did specifically bc he wanted stede to fucking die and ed was taking too long), and it’s lucius saying he loves the shark izzy whittled. but during the entire episode leading up to that scene izzy is either in syede’s storyline where he’s not engaging with the crew or he’s getting snarked at by lucius, and not in a fun teasing way. like during that whole bit where izzy steals his cigarettes and calls him “twatty” lucius just looks so fucking annoyed and then uncomfortable. and then at the end of the episode izzy is sort of offering him advice and lucius is just sarcastically like “that sounds healthy.” and within this storyline, the point of these scenes isn’t rlly abt the developing and deepening relationship btwn izzy and lucius, it’s abt lucius individually coping w his trauma. izzy in this episode kinda exists in a weird place in the narrative, where he plays a supporting role in two different characters’ (lucius’s and stede’s) storylines without getting a central arc for himself. and both of those two storylines are only really about lucius and stede respectively, izzy is just there as this a static character who imparts wise advice. which is a very weird role for him to take, imo, but on top of that it doesn’t rlly contribute any sense of like, actual bonding btwn izzy and the other two.

and in 2.06 they just enjoy the show izzy puts on. they like listening to him sing. it’s all very cute! but also. i would not say that it shows the crew really cares about izzy?? i was in pit orchestra in high school and all the lead theater kids were always fucking assholes but they were also rlly good singers and it was fun to listen to them. i would mouth along to the words being sung by bitches who seemed to be trying to be sharpay evans irl for some bizarre fucking reason. like, cartoonishly mean girls. so like, the crew listening and dancing to izzy’s song doesn’t rlly sell “the crew loves izzy” to me. if anything, i would say that actually a stronger indicator of the crew loving izzy would be wee john sharing his makeup, and it’s a shame that we don’t get to see this happen. i mean that genuinely, i think that would’ve been a great moment to rlly strengthen izzy’s arc and it just. doesn’t exist on screen. and this isn’t like the finale where we know for a fact that they had to force a 40-minute episode into 30 minutes, Calypso’s Birthday has a runtime WELL under 30 minutes. it would’ve been SO easy to add another like 45 seconds of izzy and wee john getting ready together, but the only moment they show us is izzy walking in and discovering drag for the first time. it feels like the focus of this scene is less about a moment of connection between two characters and more about izzy individually having a gender breakthrough—and that carries on with the rest of the performance, too. bc it’s a performance, it’s everyone looking at izzy, it’s izzy a half step away from the crew as he puts on a show. the narrative framing of all this puts the focus entirely on izzy as a solo act, not on izzy as part of the crew. they like his performance, but we aren’t rlly shown evidence of the crew liking him as a person.

and that’s kinda it for izzy and the crew! up until he’s actively dying in ed’s arms and they’re all in the background silently weeping, at least (and btw, speaking from experience but uhhhh it’s pretty normal to cry when u watch someone die even if u have literally no connection to the person dying). even when they’re helping him back to the ship, ed is the one who notices he’s injured, nobody notices until he’s already giving izzy support. and i fully believe roach flips off izzy’s grave marker with fondness, but that’s also like. the only little personal moment any of them aside from ed has during the funeral. they do all laugh at his pinocchio joke earlier in the ep but idk if that one line can carry the entire weight of “the crew loves izzy” on its own. apparently there’s some shots during the zheng v stede fight where izzy can be seen in the background close to jim and archie??? but like, you can’t tell me a background shot of izzy standing near some crew members is strong textual support for the crew loving him. and i don’t think i need to argue abt any scenes in s1 bc literally every single crew member who was on that boat, ivan and fang included, was about to fucking drown him in the fucking ocean.

there is one single scene that gives actual strong evidence that anyone other than ed likes or cares about izzy. it’s the part at the end of impossible birds when fang is crying after ed shot izzy. so maybe fang specifically loves izzy, even tho izzy used to pull fang’s beard a lot and fang didn’t like it bc it hurt. idk.

here’s the thing tho. in 2.01 the writers use dialogue very effectively to tell us about the kraken era. the crew doesn’t say much, but what the do say tells us a lot: we know that archie thinks the kraken era is all normal pirating stuff, jim felt like the wedding raid (which seems like their only raid on a civilian ship and not a military one) was a step too far, frenchie is Not Okay but he’s doing a fantastic job repressing everything, izzy looks tired but the specific thing echoing in his head right before he starts crying in front of the crew is ed telling him “if you can’t do the job, someone else will.”

and we know fang, who’s known ed for decades, has never seen ed like this. and the specific thing he mentions as something he’s never seen from ed before is not batting an eye when ivan died. meaning that even before meeting stede, fang would’ve expected ed to have some sort of reaction to ivan dying.

and the thing about ivan is that we know next to nothing about him. he has very little dialogue in season one. we don’t even know how long he’s been working with ed—long enough to have at least heard about fang having to put his dog down bc “the love of a pet makes a man weak” when fang joined ed’s ship years ago, even if ivan wasn’t actually there yet at the time—but we do know that watching ed tell ghost stories was apparently the most open and available he’d ever seen ed get. so it doesn’t sound like ivan and ed were especially close. ivan was almost certainly less close to ed than izzy was.

if fang expected to see ed have some sort of reaction to the death of an ordinary crew member (who mightve been working for ed for decades, might’ve been working for him for months, we really can’t say) who wasn’t even that close to ed, seeing ed casually and unflinchingly inflict a life-threatening gunshot to his first mate must’ve been fucking earth-shattering. and interpretation is also supported by what fang actually says while he’s crying at the end of 2.01—it’s not “i can’t stop crying, izzy’s hurt” or “i can’t stop crying, izzy’s going to die.” its “i can’t stop crying, ed shot izzy.” more than the imminent demise of a crew member, fang is shaking and sobbing and traumatized because he can’t believe ed would do that.

and if that feels like a reach, just remember what happens after the leg is cut off, after the crew most likely believes ed shot izzy again, this time 100% fatally: the whole crew is crowded in the hallway, and fang asks “do we think he’s… better?”

fang is not sad about izzy. or if he is, it’s dwarfed by how much more sad fang is about ed.

in conclusion: have fun with ur headcanons i am not the boss of you but also there is less canonical textual evidence of the crew loving izzy than some of y’all seem to think k byeeeee

[rayasland]

⌗ HASHIRA ICKS ᶻ 𝘇 𐰁

➜ a/n ; my apology for being off for a while 🤭 also, HAPPY LATE NEW YEARRR!! i cant believe its already march MASTERLIST WILL BE REOPENED SOON 🥲 part 2 when i decide to get my lazy ass out of bed [TYSM FOR 200 FOLLOWERS ILYSM 🫶🏾🫶🏾]

➜ warnings ; swearing, not proof read so expect some mistakes

➜ genre ; crack, fluff(?)

★ MITSURI !

she would DEFINITELY act like those vsco mfs. like you would be meeting up for a study date or something and she'll bring out the largest water bottle known to man and all while you stare at her struggle to lift it out her bag. to this day you wonder how she's able to carry that around everyday.

her nicknames get progressively worse. she goes from "hey my love!" to "i love you so much my beloved pumpkin kitty kat sugar boo boo!!"

i feel like she'd also be those mfs that make it so obvious someone is talking about them. except she does it by accident. "babe," you whisper, "see that dude behind our table? he's my ex. you remember elijah right?" and then she's turning right around, pointing and saying out loud, "elijah? ohhh your ex!" you just facepalmed as your ex turned around, giving the two of you a dirty look.

she'd try way too hard to seem intimidating (canon) but no matter how much she tries, as soon as the person she's arguing with says something rude back, she's sobbing on the ground. "ugh your lipgloss is soooo outdated." she says rolling her eyes at the person that insulted you. "you're one to talk about outdated. you have fucking scrunchies and a huge ass hydroflask that you never really even drink from anyways. also, those bracelets you're wearing are the presents i got for my 5 year old niece. on top of that you act like regina george from wish.”

you best know the next day she came into college looking like a whole other person. soon she got really popular for having the “glow up of the year” (i am having way too much fun with this 😭😭)

★ TENGEN !

overuses the same jokes to the point where its so cringe you have to cover your face out of second hand embarrassment. "why did the cow cross the road? to-" "-go to the moovies. i know," you say rolling your eyes. “how did you know!” he asks and you just stare at him like 😃

also texts like a he came straight out of youtube comments. "No one: Absolutely No one: My dog: Me: *laughs at a fish dying*" "HAHAHA BABE UR SO FUNNY HAHAHA" while in real life you’re texting that with a face straighter than drake (friends suggestion bc i literally asked her who’s the straightest person she knows)

he talks and acts like a british dad😭😭 “hey darling me and the rest of the lads are gonna watch the new chelsea game against arsenal.” and u think nothing of it until u start hearing them shout “PASS THE BALL YOU FUCKING TWAT!” and cheering as loud as if he were at a concert when his team scores.

he’s terrible at thirst traps ☠️ you were at an important work meeting when you heard a ding from your phone. it was a message from your husband. “Hope you enjoyed the show baby girl 😻🥵🍆” and you try your absolute best to not start bursting out laughing when you see the video of him thrusting his hips into the camera like ricardo milos. and to make things worse, one of your co-workers looked over your shoulder to see what you were looking at and immediately started laughing. then everyone wanted to know what you were watching and the whole room erupted in giggles. safe to say everyone would make references to the video whenever uzui was around while the guy himself kept wondering if they were talking about him or it was just inside joke he doesn’t know about☠️

★ RENGOKU !

speaks really loud for no damn reason... (canon)

like you would be talking shit about someone in the cafeteria the he would be speaking so loudly basically the whole world could hear him. "babe, you know jessica from class 2?" you whisper, "yeah apparently she was caught fucking Mr Wilson to get a higher grade in chem.."

"i always knew jessica was a slut!" he practically screams, earning a few turned heads. "i could tell just by the way she walked up to me on wednesday!" you facepalmed as he continued to ruin not only his reputation, but yours as well. "and did you see the way she was practically begging for sir to screw her! like this girl would do anything to get laid!" by now the whole cafeteria (including the dinner ladies) turned to look at rengoku. some laughed and some gave him the nasiest look they could muster (her friends).

you were NOT surprised when an angry jessica made her way to your table.

he leaves the bathroom door open after he’s taken the most stomach-churning, revolting, nauseating, egregious, execrable, beastly shit so whenever he leaves, the horrible stench of shit makes you want to vomit your dinner out. and to make things worse, he always and i mean ALWAYS forgets to flush the toilet.

the smell was so bad you considered if it was a good idea to let him live with you.

“kyo.. do you mind closing the door after you do your business in the toilet and flush the toilet?” it was like talking to to a kid “or at least use the air freshener so i don’t have to smell it.”

and you almost rejoiced to the Lord when he immediately agreed and promised he’ll remmeber to close the door behind him (he still forgot a few times but it’s fine i think 😁).

all his clothing from socks to even underwear are fire themed. your friends always wonder how you manage to walk out standing next to him, who’s wearing a fire hoodie, fire trousers to match, and trouser nike’s. you once took him shopping so he can actually find another fashion style he likes instead of dressing like a 13 year old boy from 2015 but he resisted and continued arguing about how fire is like his own watermark. you eventually just gave up and suck it up when people on the streets laughed at him or gave him weird looks. he’s lucky you love him so much.

* RAYASLAND … 2023

[kaokaobeans]

kaoru hakaze.

kaoru is like

let's start with how he was before okay in the beginning of ! era (his highschool days), he was this playboy

womanizer

manwh0re

the straightest man to ever straight

the hetero to end all heteros

idk BUT the reason being, he lost his mother prior to attending high school MY POOR BABY AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH sobs

and so he dates girls to feel even an ounce of that same love he received from his mother he really misses her… his solo song (feather heartache) is basically about his mom T_T 

,,yeah it’s literally mommy issues but this guy lost his mom early and like ;-;-; AND AND LLIKE even though he was like this in high school, he came to terms with his feelings of grief and emotional attachment to his mother and vowed to stop his ways when he graduated!! and i think just that development is so good, thank you enstars for redeeming my boy <3

he also has issues with his strict father :(( his father doesn’t approve of him becoming an idol he even feels guilty that his older siblings are the reason he can have so much freedom :(( which, he shouldn’t feel that because his dad is a MEANIE >:{

anyways, now in !! era, he’s trying his best to leave his “playboy” image and strengthen his relationship with his younger undead members (koga and adonis). he wants to become a better, more reliable person! and i really admire that i love him sm kaoru my beloved

aside from that, he’s always been a very friendly person and is easy to talk to. he can get along with anyone, even people like the eccentrics. although he seems carefree, he’s very hardworking and cares a lot about others, especially his juniors ;-;-;

he’s also really into marine life!! (inspired from his late mother who was a marine biologist ;-;) he also rly likes to surf :D and although he’s all that, he still seeks validation from others to this day. he still sometimes puts up a front and tries to look good in front of others, particularly anzu (mc). 

god, do NOT get me started on him and anzu. im gonna talk abt them anyways LMAO bc i just 

yes. 

kaoru currently has a crush on anzu, and it’s like he’s like the sweetest thing he can get easily flustered around her (see his intro in !! it’s so damn ADORABLE AAAAHHH) and it’s so cute because the tables have turned,,, he’s the one blushing like crazy now and like 🥺🥺🥺

and although he’s aware they can’t actually be together bc of idol work stuff, he still cares a lot for her LIKELIKE IN AQUARIUM STORY ANZU ACCIDENTALLY GETS DRENCHED FROM THE AQUARIUM SHOW AND KAORU TRIES TO CHEER HER UP AND MAKE HER FEEL BETTER AND LIKEEE ;-;-;

in the hospital visit story, he feels terrible that he can’t protect her, and that he isn’t a person that she can trust and listen to (he tells her not to overwork herself and like,,, ;-; anzu pls listen to him) and I WOULD LIKE TO BLAME HAPPYELE FOR ALWAYS MAKING ME SHOOT DOWN MY BOY I FEEL LIKE SHIT EVERYTIME I HATE U AAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

anyways. kaoru hakaze.  born 👶 november 3rd 🍂 and ..... the student 🧑‍🎓 of uhh.......  🤔 yumenosakigakuen 🤓 highschool. 🏫  a senior🧓 student 🧑‍🎓 right there and blood 🩸 type is 🅱️ andddd .....class 📝  ........... class 📚  is 3-A ✨ ..... thats pretty 🧚 much it hehe 🤭 ...........thank u 🙇

i love him so much if ANYONE INSULTS MY LOML MY HUSBAND I WILL LITERALLY

DROWN THEM THROW THEM INTO THE SHREDDER TAKE THE SHREDS CRUSH THEM INTO A BALL HAMMER THE BALL INTO A FRISBEE THROW THE FRISBEE INTO THE TRASH CAN TAKE THE TRASH CAN TO THE GARBAGE DUMP THROW THE CAN INTO THE INCINERATOR WATCH IT ALL B U R N TAKE THE ASHES AND SHIP THEM INTO THE SUN AND THEN EXPLODE THE SUN. 

thank you so much for coming to my ted talk!! kaoru hakaze my absolute beloved. stream feather heartache!! <3

[rrover]

YES YES GIVE ME THE ABYSS HCS NYEAS YES!! YESS!! stares at you with large eyes

WEHEHEHE WOOHOO hehe. i wanna have hcs for the spirits bc i know weve been talking abt the Creatures a lot and i feel kinda bad for neglecting the spirits theyr r very cute wehehe

cackling canonneer. heoeheoeho funny cool lesbian aunt. theyre v loud and high energy all th time like if they had a computer and typed she would always type in all-caps. also she has super sharp teeth idk i think it's just fitting for their evil laugh huahuahau. i dont think theyre actually evil theyre v nice!! very enthusiastic. they were actually demoted from the role of "cannoneer" bc she had abyss guide put her in a canon and shoot her into the sky + they hit a wall and that's how their mask is cracked but they think it was the most awesome stunt theyve ever done anyway. she keeps the cannoneer title though bc they like it <3

anxious angler WAUAUUGH my beloved. i think they are friends with everyone but especially they are bestfriends with cannoneer bc they get scared of things really easily and cannoneer scares away dangerous things for them + their cheerfulness is infectious and can distract angler from their worries. them and cannoneer braid each others hair for funsies. also angler is aroace. as their name implies they get anxious really easily but they think the sea and being in a boat is soothing, especially the rocking of a boat and the sound of waves n such. they feel sympathy for krill but are still deathly afraid of them so they try to keep their distance!!

THE OLD MEN. commodore and boatswain huehehehe. they are married they hav been married for so long. commodore fought some kind of bigass creature and turned its jawbone into that sick sword (or maybe they scavenged it that's probably more likely. but i like to think they were a real fighter in their younger days and mellowed out as they got older). they r abyss guide's dads ofc ofc. cannoneer is commodore's sibling and bothered him until they let them on the treasure hunting field trip bc they're a former soldier and r super enthused by the prospect of finding the old remains of Big Cool Weapons.

i dont have many thoughts abt boatswain though but i think theyre a cool guy. they r probably slightly grumpier than commodore but still pretty chill and personable i think :) needs bandages n shit all the time bc he wont stop bumping into things, idk maybe he just has bad coordination yaknow

abyss guide!!! every day is bring your kid to work day!!! theyre straight up just having a good time helping their family scavenge things, they love looking at the creatures and keep trying to touch the fish but they swim away before they can reach them (the only fish they manage to touch are the ones angler catches). all the spirits love abyss guide so fucking much !!! they like talking to sky kids bc theyre a creature enthusiast and sky kids get to interact w the critters more and they want to know what it's like to be friends with a manta (they really want a manta friend). they keep having to be stopped from walking up to the krills and petting them. they ride around on either of their dads shoulders sometimes for fun or when they're too tired to walk. they like looking for neat little shiny things on the shore, finding cool rocks and shells and collecting them <3

i love them all sooo much ueueueuuee

[pandoraylamcraziness]

(after reading littlecountrymouse personal view of these events I felt I had to take this off my chest but I didn’t want to hijack their post)

So I had an epiphany this night before watching this last episode. 

I was waiting for the ep, and meanwhile I was watching (mostly listening) some Malex fanvids. It always seemed weird to me how fast I shipped these two idiots. The intensity I wished for them to be happy. The weird connection I had with Alex, even though I loved Michael. 

I had this thing with Alex in wich I understood where he came from, but still sting how he continued to go away from Michael over and over again. How he tried to make their relationship a secret, hurting Michael in the process.

One day I realized it’s bc that happened to me. I loved someone but she was scared (of what exactly I don’t know, bc our social circle was very open and had already open queer people). She kept going away, looking away. Tried to simply not talk about what we had. And that still hurts to this day.

So I though that maybe that was why I sympathised with Michael: he was “me”. He was experiencing the same as me, but with one difference: I wished I had his personality. He fighted for what he wanted, he was afraid of being rejected, but still put himself on the open for the chance Alex would choose him for one last time. Until the next last time. Over and over for 10 years.

Michael was who I wished I was, while living the same experiences.

But that didn’t explain why I felt wary about Alex. I loved him, and again, I get where he comes from. I cheered when he smacked his garbage of a father with his cane, feeling a vindication way too intense. I was emotional when he stood for Michael, wanting to protect him. And I was incredibly proud when he started to open up to Michael about his feelings.

But I still felt like I was missing something. 

Michael I wanted to protect. Bc he was going through the same things as me. I wanted to throw a blanket at him and hug him and tell him everything was going to be ok. 

But Alex? Why I felt this visceral with him?

Until this night when I was listening fanvids and a phrase I had listened thousands of times suddenly resonated with me and I had the hardest epiphany wearing pajamas and laying down in my bed with my dogs:

“No. I’m tired of walking away. I’m tired of not saying what I wanna say”

Now, I had spent the last year saying to my friends and whoever listen to me the importance of representation in media. And not bc you had to “fill a quota” or bc people want to see themselves on tv (shocking!), but bc media shape the way we see the world. Shape the way we react in certain situations. Can shape the way we see friendship, romantic relationships, family. Everything. 

And since “Love Simon” came, I’ve been saying over and over how that movie would have changed my world if I my teen self could watch it. How it would have changed EVERYTHING. The notion that queer relationships are not inherently doomed to tragedy and drama. That yeah, the world is shit and there are homophobic people, but if you have a support network in your friends and family, your relationship does not have to be any different than a hetero one. That queer people CAN be happy. That a queer love story doesn’t have to end in tragedy like it’s part of its DNA. That movie would have rocked my world.

And then I go back to that haunting phrase (to me):  “No. I’m tired of walking away. I’m tired of not saying what I wanna say”

That. That was ME. 

I suddenly realized why I felt that way with Alex. Bc I recognized myself in him, of all things. He was hurting Michael yes, but he was being a coward with himself. No matter his motives (protecting Michael), he was labeling their relationship as doomed. He wasn’t willing to fight for it bc he didn’t see a way out, a way for them to be happy. For him every time he was with Michael was stolen time. Because no matter what, what they had was doomed from the start.

Until the moment he goes “fuck that” and say that no, he was tired of walking away. He was tired of never saying what he wanted to say.

And that was me. That was me always trying to fight for what we had and in the last minute walking away, never saying what I wanted to say. Never saying “I love you. And I think you love me”. Because what was the point? Our story was doomed for tragedy anyway the moment we fell in love.

And I layed there in my bed with tears in my eyes like a fucking idiot bc I had an epiphany about something it happened 10 years ago, thanks to a fictional character that to that moment I didn’t understand why he bothered me. 

And THAT is why representantion matters. Because no matter how some stories like “Love Simon” could have changed my perception of the world, that fucking line, that fucking character would have changed my LIFE. To see someone in that situation and saying “No. I’m tired of walking away. I’m tired of not saying what I wanna say”. Alex fucking Manes would have changed my life. And I have no idea where I would be right now if I could have found him 10 years ago.

So with all this emotional storm inside me I came to watch the ep. Rewatching the Malex moments in 1x12 bc I’m a masochist and I wanted to see them again with this new found perception of Alex. Needless to say I was a wreck before the last ep even started.

Then everything happened, I got sucked into the story and suddenly Alex was trying to tell Michael everything he had in his chest in the worst moment possible. Bad timing is the new star crossed. But I was SO happy, I was ecstatic, so hopeful and SO SO PROUD OF HIM. He did it!! He fucking did it, he opened to Michael and put everything in the open!! I was going to see finally these two happy! I was going to see what could have happened to me if only...

And then in a matter of minutes everything went to shit and a cover of With Me starts to play. And I couldn’t even apreciate the wink to the original show because suddenly all I can see is Alex Manes alone waiting for the love of his life who will never come bc he choose the less complicated choice over him the moment he opened his heart after 10 fucking years.

And that broke me. Because that’s not on Michael or Maria. That’s a writing choice. A writing choice for cheap emotional shock value. And they made it after saying out loud their love was “cosmic”, they were family and how they will probably love each other always.

Because they were together in secret for 10 years, but the moment they open their hearts and decide to not hide anymore, suddenly everything goes to shit.

And what I get is that being brave only gives you heartbreak. And that being a coward destroy your soul into tiny pieces but hiding is better than the alternative. 

Great message Carina and co. You just basically said that hiding your love is preferable than being in the open. That a bi guy that loved for 10 years a gay guy, 10 YEARS (!!) would jump into a safer relationship with a woman (who is the BF of his beloved) the moment the gay opens up to him. Great. Just fantastic.

[eucatastrph]

have a Lot of feelings about andrew’s relationships with the foxes and especially in relation to physical touch and reassurance?? so buckle up for some friendship my dudes 

Bee is probably the one who starts it, like she low-key suggests that touch can be good and reassuring and friendly 

“I am not friends with them Bee”

but andrew had been thinking about it for himself for a while by that point, mostly because of neil bc an annoying amount of his thoughts appear to be connected to the junkie these days

but the point is that his nothing with neil is something Good and andrew is not used to good things but he thinks that maybe he could be, and maybe he could collect a few more

but their relationship has also gotten to the point where they are even more comfortable around each other and with touching each other (most of the time, they both still have bad days but even they are becoming less Bad) 

it took a while for andrew to get used to touching just because thats what they felt like it, not so that it could go further, just casual touching that makes them both feel grounded and safe and doesn’t go anywhere near any boundaries 

its things like linking pinkies when they’re lying on opposite sides of the bed, sitting practically on top of each other during mandatory movie nights, andrew shoving his freezing toes onto neil’s legs first thing in the morning, neil having a bad day and picking up andrew’s hand to place it in his hair so that he’ll thread his fingers through it, neil doodling fox paws on andrews hands, forehead kisses before games bc neil insists they’re lucky, and andrew lying with his back exposed while neil traces patterns across it with his fingertips

anyway, the point is that touch is becoming something Good for andrew, something thats grounding and that he chooses

and he thinks that maybe he could choose it some more, with the other foxes, the ones who he trusts

renee is the first one (obvs) bc they are already close, and spar together and have ridiculous meandering conversations about dinosaurs and zombies and last night’s episode of Elementary and if andrew considered himself to be he sort of person who had best friends, maybe she would be his

he decides that if he is going to try casual contact with anyone, it should definitely be her

so next time they spar, when he manages to land a particularly solid blow afterwards he reaches out a hand to haul her up and rather than letting her deal with her own injuries like they usually do, he holds out a hand and takes the antiseptic cream from her and carefully and gently patches her up 

renee knows this is a Big Deal for him but she also knows him well enough that she knows acknowledging it is not the best option, so instead she keeps still and lets him silently take care of her, the only thing she does do it slowly, giving him time to pull away if he wants, cover his hand with hers and squeeze just a little, so he knows that the significance was’t lost on her 

and andrew feels p good about the whole thing, he successfully cared for his friend and that is some major fucking progress

the next one is nicky (I’m a firm believer that despite nick’s flaws andrew trusts him, bc nicky was the first adult who was willing to give up something to be there for andrew and never demanded anything in return)

also nicky rlly likes hugs and has been trying to get one from andrew for about 5 to 7 years at this point 

so when they’re all at the airport to drop nicky off for his flight back to germany for christmas, and nicky is giving hugs to everyone there, (all the monsters are, as much as they loathe to admit is, they miss their idiot when he’s away) and nicky is working his way down the line of them, when he gets to andrew and is ready to give him the smile and wave they’ve gone for for p much the entire time they’ve known each other, andrew says “alright, you get one hug, maximum three seconds, don’t be fucking weird about it” like he’s commenting on the weather and not making all of his cousins dreams come true 

nicky gives the best fucking hugs okay? and he knows that this is important so he’s careful but still gives one of those all encompassing hugs and count to to three seconds exactly before letting go and trying to hide the fact that he’s maybe crying just a little but bc holy shit he’s always kinda known that andrew cared about him, but this is undeniable proof and just Holy Shit

nicky cries on the plane and tells erik about it and erik just smiles bc he loves nicky and nicky is happy so he is also happy by extension 

aaron is next on the list bc although he’s an annoying shitbag he’s also andrew’s brother and he’s been actually trying to be less of a shitbag lately 

it’s the end of their weekly session with Bee and it’s actually gone pretty well, they’re actually working shit out without attempting to tear each other apart for once

they’re having an almost joking argument for once, about who’s older (no one knows the actual answer, but now that they’re,,, not friends but maybe they will be someday so they try to annoy each other in less lethal ways)

“andrew, admit it, we both know I’m older, just accept it”

“in your fucking dreams, shitbrick”

“that is mean and hurtful, and as your older brother I do not have to deal with it”

“awww little brother’s feelings got hurt” 

and then andrew reacher over and ruffles aaron’s hair just a little, super casually, as if this is something they do all the time 

aaron bats his hand away and continues their petty argument but there’s a teeny tiny smile on his face that was definitely not there before, and a matching even smaller upwards quirk to andrew’s lips 

andrew’s quietly proud of himself for all of this, it feels like a shit tonne of progress (neil is also v proud but knows better than to vocalise this ever)

Kevin is hard just bc andrew doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of admitting that they are actually close enough for that 

so all kevin gets is that when he’s drunk and tripping all over himself trying to navigate back to their dorm, rather than letting him face plant the ground or walk straight into lamppost, andrew offers him an arm and half drags keying home 

he has plausible deniability and claims that it was just because kevin would be a pain if he hurt himself and was deprived of his beloved exy practices, but they both know that a few years ago he would have let kevin walk into traffic without so much as rising an eyebrow 

kevin pretends he doesn’t care at all but we all know he was so fucking happy he almost died alright, this boy needs positive affirmation like oxygen 

Matt is unexpected, bc they’re not close, they get along and both despair over how easily neil gets himself into near death experiences but thats about it usually 

but one day during a game andrew pulls of the sickest, most rad save maybe ever (don’t ask me to describe it, i don’t sports, but it was v sick and mega rad) 

and matt is kinda in awe as he pulls off his helmet and turns to andrew holding out his hand

“minyard, just this once okay, you have got to give me a high-5”

and andrew, much to everyone’s surprise, does

with way more force than is ever necessary in a high five honestly but it still counts 

matt’s hand really fucking hurts but he’s got the biggest grin when he turns to neil and gives him a thumbs uo 

neil grins and returns the thumbs up

Dan is probably Andrew’s favourite one of the upperclassmen after renee bc he actually respects her even though he never shows it, he likes that she has never backed down from any of them even when they were being particularly Difficult 

so to show this he always clacks their sticks together after games with somehow everyone misses, its weird bc he point bank refuses to do it with everyone else, despite it being a Sports Thing

and at the end of her last game with the foxes, he takes off his gloves and takes her hand in a proper handshake and says “good game” in a tone just barely more expressive than his usual apathetic drawl but she gets the message and clasps his hand harder and says “you too”

Allison is the one everyone assumes Andrew gets along with least our of all the foxes tbh, they seem like chalk and cheese

But they’re still foxes and they’re there for each other when shit it really tough 

But anyway, it’s the anniversary of Seth dying and Allison is putting on a brave face like a champ but it’s the foxes can see she’s not doing so great and everyone’s trying to cheer her up which is nice but not doing much 

They’re gathered for movie night in the girls room and Neil and Andrew are on one side of the couch while Allison takes the other

And when Neil get up to go her more popcorn and everyone else it distracted by the movie Andrew makes eye contact with her and grasp her shoulder and gives her a nod which says “it’s gonna be okay” and Andrew is a lot of things but definitely not a liar so she nods back and they go back to pretending the hate each other for the Brand™

So andrew decides that casual, friendly contact is okay, when he can control it and only on good days but its good, it probably isn’t something he’s ever going to be 100% comfortable with and definitely never with strangers, but the foxes aren’t strangers and they know his boundaries so maybe they’re okay after all

[uselessreptiilearchive-blog]

to my queerly beloved ,  my sun and stars , my wife ;  @frystsnow 💕

tfw you told me not to be such a gay and NOT make a confession post but you know me, i’m doing it anyway.  you did for me 3 months ago, so i think its time you have a little something to cherish and store away so that, a few months down the line and we go into each other’s tags once again like we did last night and read our things, this can remind you of how much i care about you.

i don’t even know how to begin these things, but i’ll try. and i’m feeling really sentimental c: so here we go.

ngl i still can’t believe that i’ve known your dank ass for what?? is it going on two whole years now?! it feels like yesterday that i was highkey fangirling over your jack frost while still a smol, and you scooped me up soon enough and threw me into hijack hell face first. who knew us then would lead to the us now.  i remember being super reserved and shy around you but that shit didn’t last long lmao and i just?? since then it’s been nothing but great things, so much fun and laughter and you always knew how to put a smile on my face even when it was the last thing i wanted to do.  i could count on you to be there for me, and i there for you. and nothing has changed. well..... we got more gay for each other, but isn’t that the point of you being my wife? c: but seriously. i’m still so thankful that you never gave up on me, you always believed in me and cheered me on, even when i was least deserving of it and even when the toxic relationship i was in at the time pulled the worst out of me and showed sides i never knew i had. you accepted me in all ways and i still get really emotional thinking about it.  i’m always going to have a soft spot for you tbh... cuz im a gay.

and welp, we seemed to only have progressed our gaytionship more since those days and tbh !  im so glad i’ve gotten to get closer to you after it , you make me incredibly happy and it makes me wonder how tf did i go through life without my wife to slam dunk memes on or make fun of or be irrationally (and excessively) sappy to?!  even in the sailor_uranus chat, it’s been the best of times and its made me cherish you all the more. i mean i know im gay and say cute things, but i don’t often mention how grateful i am to have you in my life, and how your presence here means the absolute world to me.  hiccup voice:  i can’t imagine a world without you in it

but all in all, what i’m trying to get at, is thank you for being such an important person in my life, thank you for giving me the best of times with hiccup & jack and gushing about our ship, and just... thank you for being you and know that when i say i love you, i mean it. like tf im so gay bc i love you so fricken much, to the moon and back and then some, heck i’d shoot someone in the butt for you without hesitation.  will fite anyone u need me to, even if its myself. i’ll meet anyone in the pit ///: because i love you. i don’t ever want you to question it, because i do. and my gay ass will likely remind you in rly corny ways, but this post is a solid reminder of how dear you are to my heart. i want nothing but the best for you my dear, and however i can help you in making that possible, i will. i’ll always be your trash queen and gay wife. always. 

i hope that, now and whenever you read this again, that you have a wonderful night / day and know that i’m only a message away if you need to indulge my meme stash or gush about hijack or need a shoulder to lean on  (or be gay with but pls we all know im the openly sappy one but one can wish) :’D pls take care of yourself my love, you are wonderful and talented and sooo FREAKING beautiful  (i’ll fight u over it) and i’m so glad to have my gayleaf here with me. i want you to stay for years to come. smooches you lots xxxxx