#anyways this is the best i can do rn in terms of coping bc my friends are busy bc of the start of classess

[ice-devourer]

gonna go to two bookstores, get a small ice cream, buy yakult n cheesecake vape bc I've been relapsing in terms of mental health and if i dont do shit i will fucking explode

[beazt]

copying one of my vents from a server vent channel bc idk I feel like I need more eyes on it or smth

I need to figure something out about how to manage my social media presence better. Like, self boundaries or discipline. ldk.

I'm on Facebook for reasons important to me -> I am in local groups to get important local information I can't get anywhere else -> I inevitably see a very directly harmful "opinion" on a post that no one is challenging -> I feel obligated to challenge it to be the change I want to see -> I feel powerless and unable to make progress in any other part of my life rn so I have trouble managing the impulse to respond -> I get in an argument -> (usually predictable) ad hominem towards me -> I get triggered and/or ego wounded

idk where to even start working on that, genuinely almost in tears because of a Facebook argument and I know I'm just arguing with an absolutely hugely misinformed bastard that thinks inflicting trauma on others is an objectively factually good thing

but if no one can/will intervene besides me like when is it going to change.

feel like I need a reframe to chew on but my brain is absolutely too fried from the argument to do it myself

having biweekly therapy fucking sucks I have too much always going on in my life that I have to process and I get an hour and a half per month for it? and I never get to work on processing anything deeper or longer term???

and my therapy treatment plan has to be concrete measurable goals and so like anything that can’t be objectively measured can’t be a goal for therapy so like. I just never get to work on that stuff I guess!

lately I’ve just been avoiding these conversations/arguments to the best of my ability and I thought that would help but it brings so much shame which encourages me to keep engaging. That probably means that the shame needs to be worked on? but “shame” is not an objectively measurable concept and it isn’t in my 3 treatment goals I had to come up with in my first session, so my therapist probably will be unwilling to work on it, like some of the other stuff I’ve brought up

since I have the bravery to actually vent rn I might as well bring up this last lil bit: so much has scared me back into generally not seeking support from anyone I know lately, and like, my overall support system is incredibly small anyway, so idk I feel like my current situation and mindstate aren’t conducive to recovery, which like, I’m still trying, as much as I can, but I _feel_ like I should be in a better PHP again and there just… are none available to me

I’m in that state where I spend the vast majority of my time not doing much more than coping & distracting myself (to cope) and occasionally able to do something that makes me feel a lil better than “manageable” but idk

Trying not to be defeatist or anything I just don’t know what else I could even feasibly do

[mid-student-hannah]

ok SO I'm gonna expand on this later but basically posting htis now tupos and all so that I don't forget.

I need to average 10 hours a unit a week. that's 40 hours study a week including classes. This is not something I got when I was studying before and that was in part bc I went 'well... gotta Study All Day' and then simply didn't. So I need more structure.

I work decently with half hour blocks, more so than 25 minutes I think. If I can get myself to focus it works well. (I need to expermient with self-medicating with caffiene, honestly, maybe try energy drinks as well - anything that I can figure out that might help, even if a placebo efect.) This means I need to average - anyway, I did figures earlier today and they came down to if I try and aim for 15 blocks a day, which gives a bit of leeway if I'm planning on studying six days a wekk give or take. Hence if I aim for 8-10 blocks in the morning (assuming studying at home and no classes) and the remaining 5-7 in the afternoon (ideally I'd then get the evening off). Classes of course are included in this. I haven't looked up time for commuting from my planned residence. Depending on how long the commute is I might go in to uni to study even when I'm not classes.

Need to look up when there are assignemtns and also work out the whole taking notes situation. Basically I would need ideally to make a list of these are the things I have to do everyday and the things I ought to do (there is a difference). I want to try the whole pull a random task out of a hat thing too, a combination of that and also what do I want to do. I need fun things in there too.

Ideally I need to hit the various food targets I have (gradually assembling an additional-to-meals plan as time goes by, and trying to get a better idea of portion sizes; this is daunting but I need to figure it out beforehand or it won't happen I know that).

I need to get work of some kind I think but that's not something I want to deal with just yet. I need to look at how much classes I have also. Honestly I'd consider trying to go back to my old job briefly even though it's not very fulfilling in terms of experience or career. Anyway.

I want to keep up with my hobbies as best I can. Need to set up stuff for art, like plan out things so that I can work on that without too much brain required at least to some extent if I just wnat to art without thinking. Probably want to pull my stories into places where I can be doing smth with them every day or every couple of days, somehow. I ought to go walking every day. Honestly vaguely considering getting an exercise bike or something because then I can read/listen to audiobooks for uni while still exercising I dunno. Could turn into bad fueling ED tho. Then again I think it's very likely I'm gonna relapse to a greater or lesser extent bc of uni. With whatever bad coping mechanism/s. Need to look further into electric pianos so that I can play piano whenever as a stress reliever. All of these things are dealing with stress ina healthy way. That's the worst for me I think. Also photography helps and helps me ot feel like I'm doing something good and useful.

Need good sleep schedule. I'm thinking of trying to end up with nine hours sleep time, which includes tucking self into bed and also more pertinently Ransom. Gives leeway for terrible sleeping at times too. Not getting enough rn both bc brain won't switch off and also bc I keep going to bed too late for the hour. Like rn even if I slept right now I'd get seven hours twenty minutes bc my alarm goes early.

But yeah I need to work out something more structured with studying or whatever. need to look up my units too to figure these things out. I need to have textbooks and I need to read them. I didn't really last semester and that was a mistake. And I need to figure out how to take notes. Possibly brother's graphics tablet will help. Maybe look at getting a ReMarkable if I can see one for cheap somewhere. Need to practise handwriting in whatever form too because yeah that's a problem.

I need to figure out something to do with various problems that consume my brainspace. A bunch of htem were more repressed bc of giving in to ED and now they're louder again bc I'm in recovery.

I'd also have to work out how to take care of Ransom while I'm away at uni during the day. He's also a stress reliever too.

I don't know how accommodations for mental health problems work there either but I need to get accommodations I think (talk to psych).

Structure is good for me but I need to make sure it's not something that will make things worse and make me overwhelmed also. Need to give myself enough downtime so that I can cope. Anyhow things as they were last year didn't work, and if anything my mental health is significantly worse than it was then, even though in some ways it's improved.

Need to go back to doctor so I can pursue ADHD diagnosis stuff too. That was supposed to happen this year. It. Didn't.

I need to find an app that I can use to record the time blocks in some way. Maybe on my phone so I can have it next to me. I'll need to have some kind of time lock on Discord I think and maybe tumblr even though I want to be using this sideblog or stuff. Then again I can post from my backup account perhaps if I sign out of my main, since I have all my sideblogs shared with it. I dunno. Thoughts be thoughtsing. Also this is way longer than I intended. Maybe I shall come back and edit or add to it and put in dot points.

Gonna ramble about my units soon tho once I've looked them up and all. Also gotta check with student connect. Am I repeating myself? who knows.

[kindred-spirit-93]

ok that settles it making the post soon (maybe tonight) >:D

the anne books are my favourites and among the best ever imo in terms of beauty being translated into words. luc and mercy angst is my favouritest thing now and i will continue inflicting pain on everyone lol. tragedy gives me l i f e

one of the most attractive things in a person is emotional maturity and healthy coping mechanisms lol and my boi armund had my heart from the start. this is going to make his death oh so much worse for me, but grief is the price we pay for love is it not? :')

PTSD PANCAKES!! he bakes to deal with stuff and this is very much a thing. what do u think he likes to make the most?

as someone who bottled emotions and thoughts for years before breaking down the snap doesnt have to be violence or a sadistic streak. for me my soul left me for a couple of months, i have little to no memory of that part of my life and was essentially going through the motions. iirc i was well aware that i was at an all time low, but there was little i could do but suplex it into the basement of my mind. highschool was fun.

anyway i imagined armund being all smiles and the embodiment of sunshine in that he is warm and wonderful, but also merciless and unforgiving, possibly even quick to anger, like the sun. theres a more eloquent way to put this ik but this is the best i can do rn XD the point is the phrase that comes to mind is “there are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.” - patrick rothfuss, the wise mans fear

but honestly this is so much better. we stan (congrats u have wildly inaccurate fanon interpretations now!)

luc late night byronic contemplations supremacy >:D bonus points if altis is sprawled on an armchair half asleep agreeing nonsensically with him lol. bonus bonus armund walks in a pink apron (that he rocks) having made them a cup of coffee or sum idk

luc is an anxious (murder) bean and if his merry band of beans occupy more of me theyll be in my spleen soon XD

oww my heartt armi seeing how much theos isolation is hurting (what remains of) luc and puts all his feelings and thoughts aside and just tries as hard as he can to be the light of lucs life. a small flickering candle (more candle analogies whoo!) but there nevertheless. when he dies luc sets shit ablaze. *more metaphors*

also im currently listening to philosophy tubes how death changes ur perspective and thinking of lucs psyche (bc what else does one do on a saturday morning lol) so if anything catches my eye ill write about it too.

funny scene & stuff bc i is sad:

bby theo: dad what is love? luc: *has a mini crisis* altis from the next room: bAbY dOnT hUrT mE

yk the memes of a bunch of people drinking tea or playing chess on a rollercoaster? never fails to send me into hysterics. tis very on brand for them i think. one (dysfunctional) happy family :)

*spins dramatically in chair* god im so tired. sunny ur children have taken over my prefrontal cortex its not funny anymore.

partner in crime - madilyn mei: screams luc to me thinking of his little dove, but also from theos angsty teen perspective. the song fits them both almost like a back and forth conversation (i might make a post actually this is genius lmao). actually now that i think of it it fits u too lol (it has that vintage circus vibe if u will)

why good people become monsters: video essay of sorts exploring the lucifer effect (nuff said lol), but i recommend reading the comments for more insight and perspective. the art and presentation is slightly unsettling and i love it.

random quotes i from the top of my desktop notes: (long read sorry)

"he had all his mother's vivid imagination and passionate love of beauty. Frost of winter, invitation of spring, dream of summer and glamour of autumn, all meant much to Walter." - rainbow valley, l.m montgomery

-> luc and mercy change my mind (u cant hehe)

He said: “Only God can Judge a monster like that… I just set up the appointment”

-> my boi armund snaps (and snaps someones neck oop-)

“hell is empty, all the devils are here” - the tempest, shakespeare

-> this is definately written somewhere on altis lol

… as John [Lennon] told Rolling Stone magazine in 1970, “When it gets down to it, when you’re drowning, you don’t say, ‘I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,’ you just scream.”

-> theo fighting his demons and losing :') eventually leading to some fall out with daddy dearest.

"It brings me so much joy to watch someone else get staggered by the full range of human degeneracy. We really do be wildin." - a yt comment lol

->i like to think that while both luc and altis kill in cold blood, for titi its another day job or whatever but for luc he thinks a lot about life and death and morality and corruption and thats what leads him to insanity later on.

classic case of living long enough to see urself as the villain but also a favourite trope of mine where people join the dark side for the cookies out of deep empathy for the wronged victims as opposed to say the violence and injustices they themselves may have experienced.

but also post armunds death luc lets all hell loose because how *dare* anyone lay a finger on his beloved boy?! the angst potential my dear is frankly off the charts and i love them all so much it hurts

anyhows this is for fun & i wanted to share some pebbles with ya

i couldnt resist >:D

I have not a single regret taking over your prefrontal cortex. ITS MINE NOW MWAHAHHAHAHAHA Partners in Crime by Madilyn Mei recognition YAYYYYYYY it’s so fit for their characters I’m in tears RAAAAAAAAAAAA Im not changing your mind you’re cooking. “he had all his mother's vivid imagination and passionate love of beauty. Frost of winter, invitation of spring, dream of summer and glamour of autumn, all meant much to Walter." You’re hurting me it’s so fucking beautiful oh my poor heart and soul he is the very bring of his mother, those calloused hands still flying, desperate to cling onto Mercy’s hands, still desperate to cling upon the hands of his mother who rested his head upon her breast. Armund doesn’t exactly ever…snap. His rage is there, and everyone knows it’s there. He’s the only one getting rid of his rage instead of bottling it down. He’s constantly shrouded by rage. “hell is empty the devils are here” is my knew favorite quote. I’m one of the devils LMAO also yes it is very much inked on Altis (probably his hip) Luc and Altis kill like all hell. And you’re very right on what they feel. Altis feels nothing. It’s just another thing he has to do. No rush, no nothing. He’s just… doing it. Luc in the other hand feels everything. Even when it’s someone he is killing more as a task, he’ll feel a rush of everything, all the thoughts, everything. He knows, oh he knows the mortality of everything, including his own soul. (Also he’s constantly bringing the edge of “what if I just died”. It’s. It’s worrying.) Luc. Luc BREAKS when Armund dies. He loves his son, but in the end there’s no tru nurture still left in it. His son turns away from him, and he draws back his hand and cries. And his little angel, his Armind is there, to give him a true taste of joy despite the life all of them live. And what happens to man without joy?

[omegawolverine]

Based on the fact that you have a kin card in your carrd i was wondering if you could explain what kinning is? Or maybe direct me to someplace that does explain it. You dont have to. Im asking because pretty much every which way i look it up only includes people who already clearly understand it but arent explaining, or people actively bashing it.

You do not have to, and sorry if this is a bother. I am just very curious.

no you're fine, dont worry! kinning can be different depending on the person, some do it for fun, some do it for coping, etc, etc. people have a bunch of different reasons for it and they also vary in how seriously they take it. there is also different types of kinning and bc of that i only really know about fictionkin stuff since it's the only type of kinning i've actually participated in! so here's a run down of fictionkin stuff!

essentially, it's either a character you identify with or a character you actually believe yourself to be (either by reincarnation or other stuff, im not very knowledgeable on that bit bc ive just never had an expierence like that). there is different terms for how strongly you identify with characters on your kinlist. for example, a character i would call a selfhood (basically the highest level of relating to a character there is besides a core, which is believing you are the character) is richie tozier because we act and think very similarly to the point where i could basically just look at him at any point throughout the entirety of it (2017-19) or the book and be like this is quite literally what i act like constantly and i strongly identify with him in basically every way possible, whereas a character i would call a minor kin is dizzee kipling because even though i relate to him on a good handful of levels, that can also change based on my mood and i dont think there is enough specific examples of us being similar for me to call him a selfhood, if that makes sense? im not gonna list all the terms, but if you wanna know more you should check out this carrd for some good explanations bc ik its pretty confusing and im not the best at explaining these things!

even though it's not listed in my tumblr carrd, kinlists usually have categories to help others understand how they feel about those characters in relation to themselves, most notably, a no doubles list, which essentially just means "if you also kin this character, dni because it makes me uncomfortable for one reason or another". i dont have this in my tumblr carrd bc this isnt a blog dedicated to kinning and i very rarely run into people who kin off my no doubles list in this fandom anyways. here's my current kin list with the categories for visual aid (although it's under construction rn so it's not actually completed, it just has the categories and whatnot so i thought it would be helpful ig? idk)

basically everything past that stuff is only stuff that actual kinnies know/will need to know at some point if they wanna interact with other kinnies (like. it was a big pain in the ass when i first got into kinning bc my friend just sucked at explaining stuff ((no hate to them obvs they did their best and probably thought i knew more than i actually did ajsksk)) and i had the same problem as you where everybody either was bashing it or talked about it like everyone knew what they meant but eventually you get the hang of it)

if you have anymore questions just lmk bc ik this explanation was messy asf ajsksk but im always happy to attempt to explain :] and here's another carrd that may be helpful if you wanna know about other kintypes that arent fictionkin!

[ofmerrit]

*  ◜  kristine froseth  ,  cis  woman  &  she/her  ◞  *  according  to  school  records  ,  that’s  merrit  antonietta  unn  hornsby  walking  on  campus  grounds  with  their  usual  iced-americano  from  the ancient  grounds  cafe  .  they’re  known  for  their  long  ,  dark  blonde  locks  outshining  their  surprisingly  tall  figure   and  are  often  spotted  at   the  versailles  garden  reading  wild  geese  by  mary  oliver  .  almost  everyone  knows  their  family  is  worth  like  1.2  billion  dollars  ,  so  we  suspect  they’re  a  member  of   olympus   ,  you  know  ,  the  one  for  old   money  .  do  you  know  where  they  were  the  night  that  the  scholarship  student  died  ?  they  claim  they  were  touring  around  the  campus  for  inspiration  ,  must  be  an  architecture major  thing  ,  right  .  and  hey  ,  don’t  you  agree  that  the  sophomore  reminds  you  of  muffled  screams  into  silk  pillows  ,  the  bellyache  you  get  after  doing  something  wrong  &  vacant smiles ?  you  better  watch  out  h e s t i a  before  something  dangerous  happens  to  you  and  life  ends  at  twenty-two  .  *  ◜  barb  ,  twenty-two  ,  gmt +3  &  she / her  ◞  *

alright alright . it’s me , wrinkle free brain bar from gmt +3 !! so pumped to be here w you sexies mwah <3 here’s merrit’s pinterest board if you’re interested ( pls im a virgo n pinterest addict .. lemme make boards for our muses .. id d*e ! ) imma . bore u to de*th w this intro pls .. forgive me .. i only hav 2 brain cells , this is all over the place HDFJK rip </3 tw: kidnapping, death.

starting w the boring statistics :     full name: merrit antonietta ‘antonia’ unn hornsby     nicknames: mer, antonia, ant, tbc.     code name: hestia ; the goddess of hearth , the family , the state & the domesticity.      star sign: libra sun , virgo moon , scorpio rising.     sexuality: bisexual.     favourite literature piece: wild geese by mary oliver ,  an anthology .                                              “meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,                                              are heading home again.                                              whoever you are, no matter how lonely,                                              the world offers itself to your imagination,                                              calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting                                              over and over announcing your place                                              in the family of things.”

merrit is the only child of the young hornsby couple. she doesn’t remember much of her childhood, according to her grandma, she was the happiest kid. had everything she could ever ask for and more. 

the reason why merrit can’t remember any of this is the beginning of a tragedy — a stormy december night, she and her parents went missing. grandma says they were gone for over five months. a kidnapping case gone cold, they thought. right when the old couple was giving up on them, an angel from above delivered antonia to their door step. malnourished, void of any memory but alive.

life after losing her parents was easier than expected, grandma hornsby ( nee du pont ) made sure merrit would recover from this without any trauma & in a way, she did.

doesn’t have the best relationship with her grandpa, he’s harsh and cranky and too smart for his own good, merrit is lowkey afraid of him lmfao 

she’s currently studying architecture — her dream major was interior design but grandpa encouraged her to pursue architecture to follow her father’s footsteps.  kinda made sense because she’s fascinated by houses .. in reality the insides, the families living there are the real source of interest for her but she’s happy to settle for outside for now gshdjkf

personality stuff !!!

uMM.... i’d say she’s lowkey a people pleaser sdhjkf like ?? making her grandparents proud is . literally the only thing she’s ever wanted in this world n now she feels the same responsibility for every single soul in her life . a torturous existence if you ask me 

can’t say no <3  if she thinks its gonna make u feel a tiny bit better . boom . she’s in .

the friend you’d call to bury a body . no questions asked . she’s pickin up the shovel as you speak asdghfjk unless it’s between her grandparents n you, then *michael scott vc* how the turntables.... sdhjfk shes rattin u out instantly rip

LOVES to talk n listen . fills her heart with joy . a blabbermouth . 

an overachiever . doesn’t sleep much, rocks the dark circles 7/24 lmfao works bc doesn’t like the idea of .. wasting life if that makes sense ??

loyal 2 a fault. mostly to olympus. wld do anything to stay in the secret society / establish her place .

extremely gentle n caring . sometimes ?? its just . too much sdjkf like. tone it down <3

likes poetry ,, especially mary oliver n louise glück ! her fav poem is the orange by wendy cope.

i imagine her wearing flowy, tulle dresses with floral embroidery or vintage pieces idk 

has shit ton of plants but struggles to keep them alive rip

!!! im . terrible at explaining her fr i hate it here ok i hav a vision but ??? i cant explain it

safe 2 say shes having difficulty deciding who she’s supposed to be . a part of her wants to be the golden child for her grandparents n the other side .. jst wants to live her life y’know ??? 

UPDATE ! i’ve realised that by hiding her secret, i also unintentionally hid a big portion of her personality and she comes across as the typical, soft & gentle soul. don’t get me wrong, she is indeed gentle and soft but she’s also volatile and deceitful !

connection ideas !!!

childhood friends - except she doesn’t remember any of it. maybe your muse thinks she’s changed. maybe they don’t care. maybe they are no longer friends . idk 

penpals - seriously ???  i imagine her as someone who writes letters jst bc they’re nostalgic n cute ??? cld be fun.

a home - i kno home’s not a person but a feeling but tell that to merrit lmao. this person’s probably the only one in the whole damn world she’d choose over her grandparents. platonic or romantic, doesn’t matter.

betrothed - super old school yikes. nt exactly betrothed either .. maybe her grandma thot it’d be better if these two were in a relationship . maybe they remained as friends . maybe they hated each other . maybe they kept the publicity stunt ( cue 2 merrit begging to keep faking the rel so her grandpa wld be happy )

exes - a classic. ts this is me trying vibes . on good or bad terms . lingering feelings ? yes please .

bad + good influence - again, classic sdhjfk

saw u at the garden but cldn’t say hi bc i’m a dumb binch - basically someone she has a minor, unrequited crush on. probably knows this person through her other friends but she’s too damn timid to take the first step

a friend from labyrinth . ok hear me out . this is a big deal for her bc she’s all in for her society n v opposed to the idea of a second one even existing . wouldn’t say shes openly mean or .. rude to labyrinth members but ?? jst . wants to protect her own , so this would be a v secret friendship .

a project - could say she has some sort of a savior complex . wants to ‘fix’ people up .. toxic much, mer? <3 anyway ashdjk maybe she thinks .. she can change your muse ? i truly dont know. 

ok final one . its juicy . someone who’s suspicious of her . she has a secret n for the obv reason i didn’t talk abt it, your muse’s suspicious n it’s just . hashtag awkward

these r the only connection ideas i have rn my brain said get tht fire exit door im off im so sorry forgive moi bUT im a sucker for angst : ) so theres that 

something inspired by my queen n savior phoebe bridgers or . folklore ?? yeah.

give me noora / william vibes . the ex friends . the dan / blair dynamic . i live for them ok sgdhfjkl

[neopiacentral]

heyyy this is gonna be a long post about sexual assault / rape / suicide so mega tw ... i would make this a read more if i could on mobile if those even still exist. anyways

but the other day i was having a mental breakdown as i do and this one was more so thinking about how a little over half of the people i’ve had sex with from ages 17 to 23 (how old i am rn) ..... i only had sex with bc i was coerced or forced into it. and i started thinking about this one scenario in particular that i literally basically had forgotten and pushed out of my head until the other night and somehow i feel like putting it out in the open and talking (typing) about it will help me deal with it better or at least in a way where it’s not just being pushed down for another few years lol

around october of 2017, i was at the most suicidal point of my life not even for any “specific” reason .. i was just really struggling and my depressive episodes would not ease up and i spent a lot of time just trying to distract myself from it. this was the only point in my life where i have ever smoked regularly because even though i hated (and still do hate) the feeling of being high, it felt easier to deal with that instead of just thinking about dying nonstop. i didnt really talk to anybody, i wasn’t in a relationship or anything. and i think i had matched w this guy on tinder or we just followed each other on twitter, i can’t remember but he lived here (but i hadn’t ever met him irl) and he was dealing with a lot of the same things i was so we started talking kind of regularly. he was in a relationship so i never flirted with him or anything even though he was gross and would ask me if we could be “fwb because his girlfriend has a medical condition so she never really wants to have sex” lmfao and i obviously always said no and told him i wasn’t interested but still talked to him bc i felt like he understood me in a way nobody else in my life at the time could and i didn’t want to be on my own. we texted and called so often and thinking back on it it was SO unhealthy bc we didn’t help each other at all we just talked about different ways we would want to die if we ever did .. things like that. like retrospectively it’s so clear that it was just making the situation worse and i wish i would have just stopped talking to him.

i can’t remember if this happened before or after he broke up with his girlfriend but it was 100% before we met up in real life. we had each other on snapchat back when i used to use it and snap maps were a thing obviously. and one day i was home alone and i can’t remember if he had told me he was doing this or not .. like genuinely i just don’t know. but he had shown up at my apartment unannounced, rang the doorbell and waited outside for a bit and i only remember knowing it was him bc i looked through the peephole in my front door and i started having such a massive panic attack bc i had never given him my address and even if he had gotten it from snap maps..... theres 10+ other apartments in my building and he just came straight to mine. it freaked me out SO fuckinf bad and i didn’t answer the door but he texted a bit after he left and i asked how he knew which apartment was mine and he said “ur apartment had a welcome mat so i just figured it was urs haha” like what ........ god.

i have no idea why i kept talking to him bc that really genuinely terrified me and even my friend bella i talked to here and there was literally telling me to call the police and stuff. but yea. i can’t remember how long after it was that we finally hung out in person but i did end up just giving in because we were talking for months and lived in the same city and i felt like i owed it to him to hang out irl after flaking or blowing him off the dozens of times he had asked before.

and he ended up picking me up, he lived about 45 minutes away from me so it was a long drive back to his apartment. he actually made dinner for us and we watched some stuff together and i was surprised how much fun i was having and how nice it was. butttt out of nowhere he just started kissing me and undoing his pants and trying to get me to give him a blowjob no matter how many times i said i didn’t want to or was uncomfortable but he just kept asking. and i was so far from home, i didn’t drive there so i couldnt just get up and leave and didn’t even really know where i was. it was like 2 in the morning at this point i had no person i could call and ask to come grab me or anything and i just felt like i had no choice which . looking back is maybe what he had wanted. i was so scared and we ended up having sex just because i wanted it to be over and i wanted to just be done with what was happening.

and then he literally ghosted me right after. the one person i talked to and trusted and opened up to when i was REALLY hurting mentally basically raped me and just left me alone afterwards leaving me feeling even worse than i did before we had met. i never even told anyone about it after it happened because i didn’t want to deal with it and honestly don’t think i was capable of processing it at that point bc i probably would have completely and fully broken down and lost it. which is also why i have barely even thought about it over the last three almost four years.

last year he started to try and come back into my life just a couple months after alec and i had just started dating. like just randomly interacting with me on instagram and trying to reply to my stories like everything was normal and even tried to talk to me about how things with alec were. and once i made a post on my story about me being at work and he kept dming me asking if he could come visit me bc he knew where my job was and i started having horrible panic attacks at work that i never told anyone about. i have him blocked on everything now but for months i was always looking over my shoulder bc i was so afraid of seeing him.

i want to heal from these things but i don’t feel comfortable going to therapy even though i know i really should. until i feel ready to do that i will just do my best to cope with it all on my own even if that means just telling other people what happened so i can start coming to terms with it myself. it is so hard some days and i am afraid that these things will end up eating me alive sooner or later

[fairycosmos]

tried to kill myself last week n slept it off for 24+ hrs before telling my mom. she couldnt take me to the hospital bc we don’t have insurance n my case manager ended up calling dcs /: (ill be 17 next month) rn i feel like theyre waiting for me to say myself i dont wanna live here rather than just removing me bc technically i am safe but im not ready to do that even tho i know i should let them find me help. i feel like theyre waiting for me to mess up to decide themselves. i just feel lost man

oh god, i’m sorry for the late response and that you’re in this position at all, man :( i literally cant imagine how difficult everything must feel right now, and i dont blame you at all for being lost. most 16 yo olds are, but add something like this into the mix, and it’s no surprise that you’re feeling so conflicted and hurt all of the time. i know it hurts to process such vitriolically negative emotions, but it’s also a normal human response. imo, what the real focus should be on, is doing what you can to cope in a healthy or safe way. even if some days, that just looks like crying in your room and waiting for it to pass. but anyway, i want to say that i’m genuinely glad you’re still here, and i hope that one day you can feel that way too. it’s wonderful that you’re alive, and the world would be missing something if you were gone. even if you dont know it right now, and even if you can’t see it in this moment, there is so much growth and positive change waiting in your future. it’s actually inevitable, and nobody really tells you that when you’re a teenager, but it’s kinda true from what i’ve observed. the natural progression of things, the natural process of growing up, makes things feel a lot more manageable. that probably doesn’t feel like a real train of thought to the present day you, but honestly even in the 3 yrs since i was 16, the entire basis of my perspective has changed. especially bc as an adult you’re able to control so much more of your life and the mental health resources that are available to you. it’s all waiting for you, and it’s nothing to be scared of. you dont have to know what to do next and you dont have to have a solid concrete plan. i’m not sure that they’re waiting for you to ‘mess up’, because trying to do what’s right for your own health doesn’t count as ‘messing up’, whatever you decide is okay. it’s a really hard decision to make and i totally understand why you don’t know where to begin. but i think it could help to just have an honest conversation with yourself about what you really need in terms of where you live. try to block out judgement and what you ‘think’ you should do.  where do you see yourself thriving, where you do see your needs being met? where do you see improvement, and guidance? are you able to work with your case manager to figure out some sort of middle ground, some sort of compromise? i get that actually taking such a step is way way easier said than done, but you can take it at your own pace over the course of the next two years while you figure out what would be best for you.

i know you said you don’t have healthcare, and i’m not entirely sure how things work where you are. but do you think it’s possible that there could be a support group for young people in your area, or a mental health center/crisis team, literally anything at all that could lend you some support? maybe you could talk to your case worker about this, too? there could also be someone at school available, like a counselor or even just a teacher you trust. another option is to call a mental health hotline to see what they think your options are. and i know these ideas sound vague, and like theyre impossible to take seriously, but i’d really appreciate it if you gave them some real thought. it’s alright to be scared, but the fear of reaching out literally doesn’t compare to the fear of staying silent and letting this get worse on your own. mental health conditions are just as serious as physical ones and sometimes they need genuine medical attention in order to learn to live with them, and that’s absolutely alright. having someone to talk to who is trained to offer you the tools you need can really make a massive difference. they’ll be able to advise you on what the next step should be, in terms of your personal development. initially saying that you need help out loud is the worst part, sometimes you have to force the words out....but it still counts, every small effort does. i just want you to know that a better future is possible and is much more likely than the awful one you’re envisioning, no matter where you go from here. if you’re unable to receive professional help at this time, then i hope you’re able to engage in healthier coping mechanisms anyway even if they don’t work every time. i’ll leave some links that may be helpful to you when you’re in a low moment. not saying they’re supposed to fix everything, but they’re supposed to calm you down and give you some clarity so you dont make an impulsive decision. i promise you’re capable of pulling yourself back from the brink of sadness, and i promise you’re capable of getting through this. every day you survive, you’re learning how to make it all feel lighter someday. i wouldn’t say any of this if i didn’t believe in you. despite my extremely limited perspective of your life, i can see that you’re smart and you’re young and you just want to find some stability.  the more you focus on yourself and your own well being, even when you want to self destruct, the calmer things will seem. so like i said before, take all the time you need to consider the choices available to you, and then try to get through each day as it comes. if that feels like too much, one hour. minute by minute is more than good enough. im proud of you for surviving and for being the person that you are. if you ever need a friend or if you want to talk, i’ll be here. you’re not as alone as you want to believe, and so many people can relate to your circumstances because they’ve gotten through it. you will, too. you dont have to have it all figured out, that’s not your responsibility. you just have to keep trying and working with what you’ve been given. im rooting for you.

https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/speakingoutaboutselfinjury/2018/11/immediate-coping-mechanisms-for-self-harm

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/teenagers-guide-to-depression.htm

 https://www.healthista.com/15-daily-self-care-tips-help-depression/

https://bebrainfit.com/stress-management-techniques/

[ywjaeha]

helo budz i’m ayn and this is my cityslicker jaeha! he’s 26, city boi, and brand spankin new to yangwon. currently filling in as a veterinarian until he finds a long-term replacement! :’) he’s a pretty chill dude, just rly shy so like. u know. is he against making friends? not really. would he rather befriend the stray dog that keeps trying to steal his zucchini? yea. ANYWAY ! ! ! more info and wanted connections below the cut and also here!! if you’re interested in plotting ! please like this post and i’ll im u! i also have a discord (heunjeok#6758) if that’d be more convenient zz

TL;DR (but not rly bc i ramble lol)

born and raised in the big city! only kid, grew up pretty well-off. his grandparents moved to yangwon when he was a lil baby and lived the rest of their lives out there until passing. he’s visited yangwon a few times (every week every summer through middle school! and then every now and then for a day—sometimes less haha—high school onward) so he’s not Brand New but it sure feels like it :’)

he’s a...... veterinarian. just like his grandpa! finished his post-vet school internship a few months back and he was abt to sign a contract to work in seoul when his grandparents passed. 

originally he just came to yangwon to help tidy up his grandparents’ affairs but ended up committing to filling in as the veterinarian for a year max until a “more suitable replacement” could be found for his grandpa. 

so now he’s living here. in his grandparents’ old house on mugunghwa (neighbors where u at). hasn’t unpacked completely and probably never will bc at this point (he's only been in yangwon since september!) he’s still pretty set on going back to seoul asap. 

still he kind of ! likes it in yangwon ! even tho he won’t admit it! 

generally he’s a pretty polite, even-tempered dude. comes across as a little cold and stilted @ first bc he’s reallllylyyly really shy and it kind of manifests as stiffness instead lmao. that being said, he’s not too great at pretenses and when he smiles/laughs, he rly means it!!! so !!!!! pls dont give up on him he needs friends lmao 

seems kinda like a pushover but he’s pretty str8forward about things he does/doesn’t want to do. like for example when ppl try 2 flirt with him he’s like Im not interested [and then after a pause] but thank u!

internalizes everything bc he’s a grownass man who never learned how to cope w/ his emotions

probably cried watching old yeller but did u not? u heartless b*tch?

some random facts and tidbits: spends way too much time watching reality television (think trashy shows like love island) but is way 2 ashamed so it’s like a dirty secret and he’ll die if anyone finds out. has terrible vision but he’s wearing contacts these days and they’re so gd THICK sometimes his eyes start watering and it looks like he’s just having a bad day and crying it out. he’s super duper fond of kids and animals. likes 2 garden (he’s maintaining his grandma’s garden atm). uhhhhhHhhH he was engaged to a long-time gf but she broke it off maybe one? almost two years ago and he’s #okcool abt it (but not rly, genuinely he’s very exasperated w/ the idea of romance rn). has the tastes of an old lady (his fave snack is yanggeng). and. 

idk what else man. 

he’s (vague hand gesture) really just trying his best. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS

people he met when he was way younger and visited yangwon! chances are he won’t recognize u and u won’t recognize him but maybe once u get to talking some gears will shift and something will click! even if it’s been a longass time since he was last in yangwon, he’s pretty desperate for any semblance of familiarity he can anchor himself to ha ha ha

have a pet? or just a ton of animals? as long as they’re not seriously injured/in need of surgery or specialized attention (in which case he’ll reroute the case to haesan, but dw! he’ll make sure the transition goes smoothly!), he’s ur dude :’) 

he’s watching this show called heart signal (it’s a reality show abt finding love) RELIGIOUSLY and u catch him and he’s humiliated but maybe ur a big fan and now u guys have viewing sessions and it’s honestly embarrassing at first but now he’s just glad he has someone to talk to about it

ur mom/dad is seriously concerned that a single dude like jaeha is living on his lonesome in a house built 4 a FAMILY and keeps sending u to check up on him with banchan in tow. it’s really fucking awkward at first! but maybe a rapport develops somewhere along the way ...! 

u think he wants to be friends with u but in reality he just thinks ur kid/dog/cat/literally anything that isn’t an adult human is cute

catch him tearing up in the middle of a conversation bc of his contacts and ur like holy fuck i just made this newcomer CRY and jump to conclusions before jaeha can explain (haha no it’s just my eyes- wait- why are u apologizi- uh-) and now ur dragging him around and going out of ur way to be nice to him in penance and he’s just standing there awkwardly like I’m Never Wearing Contacts Again 

U step on his only pair of glasses and break it to SMITHEREENS! it’s fine but it’ll take a couple of days to get a replacement so it’s chill.... he’ll just walk around........... Hopelessly lost............. vision obscured......... nbd.... 

doesn’t usually drink bc he’s hella #cleanliving but also hella #lightweight so idk... drunk shenanigans... he’s so embarrassed he trips into a bush the next day trying to avoid eye contact w/ u 

only child!!!!!!!!!! but he’s always wanted siblings so idk? maybe a younger sibling figure :’)

ok im [steam comin out of my ears] running out of ideas but we’re just generally looking for some friends! acquaintances! people who were familiar w/ his grandparents! ppl he might have met before! anyone! Anything! let’s go find a wendigo together!

[majoringinsarcasm]

I saw a post that was like a twitter poll and the person was askin “hey if you ship allurance are you happy with how it’s been confirmed” (not that it’s confirmed it’s not) and the answer was a big no. Which I find interesting. On the one hand (and rn I haven’t watched S7 so if I get something wrong, kindly add it or at least don’t yell) Allura suddenly getting feelings for Lance in the last episode of the season is weird. It’s maybe not unexpected, but it’s quite sudden and our of character for Allura.

Unlessssss it isn’t.

If Allurance is endgame, I think they’ve done a pretty good job of setting it up. Not for a wedding at the end of the show, not a super big moment either. But a good path to go on in terms of hinting at a relationship continuing after the series. I think the main concern is the relationship Allura and Lotor has in S5 and S6. Another post I saw said that while Allurance is rushed in towards the end, we saw the progression of Allura and Lotor’s feelings for each other. And they are right about the second part. We DID see their romantic relationship progress.

Quickly.

The timeframe in space is all over the place, so I honestly don’t know how long Lotura were sweet on each other before Allura yeeted him out of her heart. But in the very beginning, with the fight with Zarkon, the Kral Zera, and discovering the space Bermuda Triangle and the white lion, things escalated fast. Allura was hesitant to trust him, but I could see she fell faster for him after learning he was half Altean and saw his markings glow. Allura, as part of her character and as her flaw, is less on guard when it comes to her former home. We’ve seen it with AI Alfor, and the inter dimensional rift. She has been shown to become blinded, for a moment at least, when anything about her people or culture is mentioned or shown.

So Lotor, hanging peace banners and seemingly sticking to his word about changing the Galra, plus his knowledge about Altean alchemy, has Allura letting her guard down. Do I think Lotor cared about her? I would like to believe so, bc I did think they were cute together. But I think for Allura, she was caught up in the rush of infatuation. Lotor has so much to offer her, he was being kind, he made her feel connected to her people in a way she hasn’t before.

But when his true colors were shown, she didn’t hesitate to shut down and lock him out. She was hurt, no doubt, and it probably hurt for a while. Her heart, her pride, her role as the commander of the castle. She let him get close to her and her paladins. He could’ve done any number of things on her ship and she feels so stupid for trusting him.

And then there’s Lance. Lance who comforts her, not romantically. Not “you still have me baby forget him”. But as a friend. As someone he loves and respects. He says Lotor tricked them all, that they ALL trusted him. He helps shoulder her burden so she isn’t so heavy with the guilt. He takes care of her in that scene like she’s taken care of the paladins since their journey started.

Until now, we’ve only seen Lance’s feelings about Allura. His romantic feelings anyway. He was a bad flirt and a show off, super cocky and spacey. But he grew. As time went on and everyone grew closer and stronger, he stopped seeing Allura as JUST the princess he has a crush on. He sees her as a partner, a paladin, a fellow Blue lion pilot. He knows how much she wanted Red, to fill her father’s place (I have a theory abt that which I’ll write later) and he sees how she’s grown as a fighter. I don’t remember the episode but it starts with Lance in sniper vision and he sweeps over the team and just watches Allura fight and he’s in awe and he’s so Proud. He’s Proud if how far she’s come.

Allura never leads Lance on. She’s aware of his affections but that doesn’t stop her from being around him, from being close to him. She may not return his feelings but she appreciates him as a person and a teammate, and she cares about him. And like I said, we only see how Lance’s feelings grow over time. Allura and Lance share some beautiful moments (the changing of the lions, the heart of Voltron, the Altean sword, the comfort after Lotor’s betrayal). We know his affections for her grew romantically. But in these scenes we see how Allura has grown too.

To connect with Blue she tries to imitate Lance and flirt. We saw she likes playing with the mice, who make her laugh and keep her entertained. She jokes and laughs with Lance. She’s comfortable enough to hug him. I can’t remember off the top of my head but I think we’ve only seen her hug AI Alfor, Coran, Keith when she apologized to him, Lotor, and Lance. Each hug was different. Family, second family, acceptance and apology, infatuation, and comfort.

What I LOVE about them is that, thanks to S7, they’ve completely switched places. Lance was the stranger on an alien planet. He had to learn how to do things different ways. He had to cope with being out of his element. And now Allura is on Lance’s Home turf, surrounded by new things and challenges. Just because we didn’t have back to back episodes of Allura and Lance holding hands and kissing doesn’t mean there’s been no set up.

And no, Lance isn’t a rebound. He’s not a second best or a replacement. Allura fell fast for Lotor because he was surrounded by what she wanted. The idea that the war could end Right Now. That she could fulfill her father’s wishes and save the universe. He was her dream, a fantasy that she flung away the minute she woke up.

Lance has always been there, for the team and for her. He wasn’t perfect at the start, and neither was she. Allura was too quick to trust and judge and got angry when questioned. She’s learned that she isn’t commanding a team, she’s part of one now. And she can see that Lance has never pressured her. He’s always just been there, caring about her as she’s grown to care about him.

Lance was the first person she saw after ten thousand years. The show sets up important relationships very specifically. I don’t think it was just for comedic effect.

Allura and Lance, if they end up together (in a confined way) at the end of the series, isn’t a rushed decision. It isn’t to spite other ships or to erase representation or to push a ‘safe’ hetero relationship. If Allura and Lance end up together, it’s because they were meant to be together. Because they have broken free of the “Girl must pick between boy next door or mystery bad boy”. The boy next door keeps his feelings out her way, and the girl doesn’t ‘make do’ with mystery boy and his past.

If Allura loves Lance the same way he loves her, that’s because it happened the same way. Slowly, over time, and with the kind of comfort that sneaks up on you. It’s so gentle you don’t notice it until they’re looking at you like you have the power to change the world.

And you believe them, because they have never let you down.

[bastard-man]

s13:

hi okay i kept talking in the tags on my last post so here is more about s13 predictions ig

like i said we all know den literally can't function without mac it's been proven several times in the show

CLEARLY in mac & dennis break up

& my thought is how this will affect s13

so like,,,they're lying if they're gonna try & pretend like dennis can actually cope w/o mac if anything i think he needs him more than ever rn. even if dennis miraculously developed quickly & amazingly enough 2 be a dad that doesn't change how much he depends on mac. boy couldn't live without him in s5, and he was still like, okay then? obviously none of these characters r okay but i've seen only a few ppl mention dennis in the latest seasons. consequently mac seems happier this past season especially now that he's out which is great (i mean then u have DDL & then that kinda shattered but let's not mention that rn) but like we know dennis has been like,,,ragin' a lot more & he was diagnosed in s10 & we haven't really seen him happy in awhile like compared 2 earlier seasons when he seemed more calm & happy. what he thinks he needs is to leave his old life behind but what he actually needs, probably, is the gang rn more than ever but ofc he's not gonna admit that! so he run!

there's a number of reasons why i can't see them letting den be gone for any length of time but the main one being that it just doesn't make sense? like frank said u can't just go be a dad & he was right, & even if i think dennis could be capable of that it's obvious he's getting Worse & to be away from his friends, his family rn is not gonna help that, especially when we know he would be miserable in ND which is literally essentially what he says in 10.01 when he gets off the plane. i'm not a dumbass who thinks he's a sociopath & i know he has big feelings but i still don't see this being a situation where a child is magically the thing 2 crack dennis & fix all his problems

so like, there's my argument based on just the POV of the setting. now let's go back 2 den himself. like i said it definitely seems like he's getting worse, & him admitting that he has feelings was a huge, pivotal thing for him especially to admit that to the entire gang. from there they could use that to finally get den's character to open up a lil more & not try to suppress everything which i think is essentially why he seems worse? he wants to be one way & not feel & it's affecting him as it has over the years. we also know from mac, that he's been distant w him. whether u ship them or not they have a connection that's different from all the rest. so mac senses that den is acting different& like pushing him away, & we know it's not bc he's gay cuz den always knew that. this is where theories come into play, cuz it could have to do w den's feelings & trying to push the gang away so that he can pretend everything is okay which i think is a reasonable guess, or if u wanna add another layer to that there's also been the mention of him being uncomfortable with mac being out because now he's scared of mac's feelings & his own feelings.

it could be bc of the thing b/w them, or just the different connection that they have, but mac is the only one who says anything about dennis being distant. so is he only being distant w mac, or do the others just not notice bc they're not mac? either way mac is the one who notices & he's gonna be the first one to notice things going on w dennis. den has been like on a downward spiral almost & i think the RPG & brian jr just brought that to a head, & he runs, supposedly 2 deal w the latter. (i'm sorry i'm referring 2 a fuckin baby like it's a war crime but i don't evenl like them anyway so it's fine)

like depending on how u wanna interpret it, RPG=dennis realizing how he feels about mac, or how mac feels about him, or just the fact that he was all upset about vday only 2 find out mac got him what he wanted more than anythin & it didn't even matter 2 him that there wasn't a rocket bc it was the gesture so i mean interpret that how u will but FEELINGS

& then brian jr=who he apparently knew about but only becomes a problem bc mandy all of a sudden decides 2 show up & also thinks he's someone else so i really still don't understand some of the logic behind this event but anyhow. he's like noticeably v on edge this ep bc he literally had no idea how 2 get out of it & then all of a sudden he's like wait no i don't want to, but that's not the only thing? pretending to be in a relationship w mac & mac telling him he wanted 2 fake it & raise the kid w him was obviously also adding onto that & still his response was "im not gonna PRETEND to be in a relationship w u for the entirety of my child's life" so again interpret that how u will but...obviously we know he decides 2 go raise brian jr

but he's not gonna be able to do that. not bc he's not capable. i'd like 2 point out he left everyone & everything behind including his RPG & his beloved range rover, so i mean he prob left everything at his apartment too. (i have some theories bout this but it is not the time for those) like his car. is still in philly. his decision is made essentially on a whim after a moment w his kid & like an existential crisis while his friends danced around him bc up until that point he just didn't wanna deal w it

so it could've been like a few hours b/w those scenes but it's still a pretty impulsive decision considering it's a child, a new state you don't even like, a lovely woman ur not interested in, and leaving your friends, family, job, and entire life back in philly. maybe he also thinks it'll help him w his feelings. but he's been repressing shit for at least 12 years that we've seen (we know it's been longer like prob his whole life) & noticeably been getting worse, gives a sudden revelation to his friends about his feelings, & then leaves. that's not...okay. like we know they all have trauma & ridiculously unhealthy coping mechanisms but even if u take everything else away he's not gonna be happy having suppressed all his emotions and problems & then leaving having barely dealt with them w the others at all.

especially mac, who's a huge part of this which u can't deny even if u don't ship them. now i do so like my comments are gonna sway a bit more but i think it'll still work even if u don't agree w me on that aspect. personally i think there could be some sort of parallel there about how mac has gotten happier, while dennis has been more unhappy? like mac comes out & u could even argue dennis being jealous & acting that way bc he wants 2 come out & he's been suppressing that for so long but he's still not at a place rn to do it. or even the fact that mac feels more open & free to be himself while dennis feels the complete opposite & if anything has felt like repressing things even more, while mac mentions being sensitive (12.08 hints he feels more free 2 be sensitive now that he's out & doesn't have 2 worry about being so masculine so that he won't be called gay) & dennis mentions his big feelings but he's still not rlly talking about anything bc i mean u don't really just reveal everything suddenly. so especially in that regard he definitely needs mac.

like not only bc of their connection but bc he depends so much on mac & now mac feels more open & honest & i really think den needs to be around him more, not pushing him away (which could also be why) bc he needs to see how much happier mac is & how he's changed & maybe it'll help him open up more, & if anything mac would probably be the best one for him to do that w anyway.

i'm also gonna mention my sort of views on some ways den could come back: now considering his car was still there i think it could even be possible that mac goes home to their apartment to find that dennis is still there, maybe just waiting or maybe packing, who knows. them blowing up the range rover & using the RPG without him only to find that he hadn't left yet, or at all is definitely something i could see happening (& i know this is a more serious post about den but come on i think we'd all laugh @ that) or the thing i definitely see happening is the gang talking in the bar, who knows how long it's been (maybe a day, maybe a few months) & all of a sudden dennis strolls in and says nothing, walks behind the bar & grabs a beer while the others just stop talking and stare. cue title card "dennis is back" (tbh this is one of the most realistic ones i think & i know glenn mentioned it might be funny if he just didn't come back at all but i think this is vastly more funny & in keeping w the show i mean come ON) or there's like the sad part. this again could depend on how u wanna view things. but if u look at it as dennis going on a downward spiral, only for him to kinda hit rock bottom w the RPG & brian jr. (which isn't even a theory that's literally what happened) then we know this isn't good. it's not a typical situation where they leave on good terms, or they leave happy because we know he wasn't happy. we know he initially didn't want this & isn't ready & we know he hates north dakota, & we also know it's not like he's in love w mandy or anything no matter how nice she seemed, as the person he was closest to was: mac. so it's not like he's really leaving for a better lifestyle either necessarily, because he may have mentioned envisioning himself getting married & having a kid but we saw how it went when he married someone he didn't love, and how he again was unable to function without mac, and it's obviously not how anyone plans on those things happening, & if they did have him settle down w mandy which i do not see ever happening we know he'd literally be settling.

so for him to have been going through a rough patch, to hit an extremely low point & then walk away from his friends, is not going to end well. he hit that low point & is now leaving without dealing with any of his problems because his focus is on fixing one of them: the kid, but also how he was affected by frank because he doesn't want the kid to grow up in that same way. so he thinks that's the most important issue, because he also likes to pretend he doesn't have any other ones, & thinks this is the thing he needs to deal with and everything will be fine. but he didn't deal with anything else, he's only bringing those problems with him, to north dakota, to mandy, to the kid, to his "new life." so if anything he's only gonna be more miserable and he won't even have mac there w him, who he literally depends on to function & considering he's only getting worse being w/o mac is the last thing he needs even if he thinks, or wants to believe that that's exactly what will help. idk how they're gonna deal w him being gone, if he's gone for any length of time or anything, but my point is if he's stated to be gone for months or something like that i'm pretty sure he's gonna come back at the worst we've ever seen him because he was only without mac for hours before he realized he had no idea what to do & they were only, what, a few miles away? part of all this is that he's codependent but that is most heavily dealing with mac. s5 dennis was still doing pretty okay, considering. so him not functioning without mac was just pathetic. s12 dennis has been a mess & him being without mac at arguably his lowest point is kind of scary to think about.