#anyways this is so annoying i love yapping yet i am constantly limited in doing so

[homoeroticvillain]

i can feel exactly where the sore in my throat is this sucks

[un-owen23]

Chapter Unknown #1 "Contemplation in Pain"

Well, how should I tell everyone about the things happening lately?

I mean, it’s not that I have someone close enough to me personally; who would comfortably expend twenty thousand words in both bullshit and insight; who does not mind listening to my repeated complains about a specific problem no matter how annoying it is; he who will keep giving obvious advice specifically matched to my problem with a hundred per cent effectivity in solving yet never offended when it constantly denied by my overly-illogical reasons; well, such friend is a ghost to me.

So, I guess I have to settle everything by my own hands… by my limited capabilities in thought and execution; including the responsibility to face the after taste.

“I know it’s wrong.” I reminded her; only with the intention to show that I am on her side. “We seek happiness. You pray for it. You realize that he is unable and probably will stay unfit to answer your expectations; then it’s time to take it as a lesson.”

She was confused; maybe not really confused. Most of the times, she said that I was right; yet her hesitation won’t end with just every seemingly brave action she took. She was never satisfied with the results. Doubt was always bugging her heart; and it created a time bomb which would end up destroying everything we build; including me.

“Can you please just… go away from me?”

It was always between the bad and the good; the truth and the deceit. Her mind circulating on many that were incomprehensible for her cognition. Since it was a new experience in her days as adult; which path should she take to reach the contentment and not regret?

“I am in a relationship with someone. It’s true that I have dissatisfaction in him. But, it’s just not right… doing as we please… it’s going to hurt him?”

“I am in love with you.” I whispered only the truth. “I’ll do better in anything. Don’t we share the same vision? Don’t you think that I can help you… assisting you in reaching your dreams?”

“I don’t know…”

“Please… just give me an honest answer…”

“What is honesty when I don’t know which is right and wrong…”

“Then, will you trust me?”

It was never intended for manipulation. In fact, it was through me that she could have built her awareness to any manipulative intention; including the possibility that she grew up with such treatment. To the best of my own consciousness; I would never use anything transcribed as a new attempt for manipulation in my words and actions toward her. Everything was meant to build a secure and healthy relationship based on mutual consent.

Perhaps, I should have stopped at the moment before everything is started.

Well, you have me as your friend, now… what’s done is done… you have learned your regrets and it is now the time to face the music…

“Can you just shut, up?”

I wish… but don’t you want a friend, huh?

I am here to be the one you wanted the most… now, just tell me everything, pretend that I know nothing about it… I’ll give you a friendly suggestion and if you’re too coward, I’ll do all the acts of whatever you want; deliver the justice…. a sweet revenge… or perhaps… prostrating for a come-back?

Who is he; the one talking inside my head?

Well, it’s a long story that will be uncovered in time. He is currently living in me. Yapping in the middle of my overthinking; commenting on the dialogues played in my head each moment of my relapse. It happened so much it felt like I was chatting with a real person. Though he was always in between reality and fantasy; one thing for sure, I am not hallucinating.

From now on… call me the other you…

Try to look at the mirror and make a grin… even if you are unable to do so, I will do it anyway… you will see the other you that is not you… you will see me…

Talk to me about anything… I’ll do anything for you… I will drag your wildest dreams into reality… including the worst of the thing you have ever imagined to the person who hurt you…

“Ah… what was that?”

Murder?

“Hmm, it’s a thing I can do by myself. I don’t need you.”

Hahaha… that’s it… the pride of a criminal, eh?

“It’s another to settle later…”

Why would a heartless murderer like you lost to the pain of broken heart?

“That’s why I’m still a human…”

How does it feel to be heartbroken?

“You can read my mind; can’t you just feel what I feel? You are living inside me; you are literally me. Can’t you feel the pain?”

Hmm…

A long conversation may that be. A painful relapse may happen. An unwanted companion singing inside my head. They were just packed in my own self; within me while the physical manifestation of me was sitting still in the corner of my working space. In one of the rooms in the third floor of C building intended for student clubs; this room was meant for the department of advocacy of the student councils; in which I acted as their advisor. It’s a nice room with a good ambience and there was an extra space for me separated from the main room; with a door directly connected to the corridor to make sure that there wouldn’t be mutual disturbance with the students; the advisor room which mostly unused due to the absence of its role taker. I’ve designed it to be fully functional for me with my chair, desk, and gadgets installed; and the good thing is that it has the window facing the far ocean in the north yet could still give me some breeze to clear my mind.

Ah.

Didn’t I mention about my main occupation as a teacher, before?

Well, before we strolled in another unfortunate relapse; my name is Amir. Almost thirty with a long list of experience which mostly boring. I grow up as an ordinary person with nothing to boast about. I am just one of the many; very, very ordinary type of person who would be easily forgotten upon my disappearance. My circle is very limited to people who were in the same class as me; working in the same office; or living in the same building; yet none of them got too close in the inside. Some easy variables to measure the claim included our mutually limited access to each other’s purses; and the fact that they would find difficulties in a task of describing me in two thousand words essay.

As a solitary person who rarely depend on others; I build enough anxiety upon facing pressure from social interaction. So, it was always a trait that whenever I was put in the center of crowd attention; flight is my foremost respond. Closest acquittance might stop guessing about my next action which was always the same… I do follow up any problem with my own approach…

So, you say that you have a dark side which is unknown to everyone?

“Right. Though there is always an exception who is fated to bond with me through that one irregularity.”

It must be your late father… and the one who was sent beside him on his last moment…

True.

You told me that you are a murderer… and in fact, I saw one of your crimes…

I understand… there is no secret between us…

You may as well know everything about me…

“Save that for later. Fairy tail or legends. I don’t care about such thing. And if you are truly someone who descends from heaven, why don’t you have one miracle that I want to use the most?”

Hahaha… you’re still talking about that?

Come on. I am not here to please your desire. I am just roleplaying as you. And since you retired being a murderer; you decided to follow the career as English teacher; perhaps I should learn to be a caring and supportive person; not a gloomy and lonely you.

Isn’t it an irony?

“I mean… you should ask me about the audacity to stay here and live with the survivor of my atrocities? Guiding them to be a kind-hearted adult; preaching about righteousness and justice while I am constantly living in hypocrisy?”

What does it matter? You will atone your sins… maybe karma is playing its part now…

“It is both too easy and too difficult as a karma…”

Your indescribable emptiness…

The void left in your heart that would never recover…

Minor pain is constantly annoying your day and night…

And you have weird obsession in someone whom normally should disappoint you…

“I was just trying to run from the fate of a sinner. Washed my bloody hands by living as an ordinary me; among the average; I told my father that I was going to stop. I found someone worthy living with despite all the boredom and deadlock; I am in love. Please, let me tread my own future free from the history of bloodshed. I want to thrive in the future with full of happiness; and I want to be sincere to my own self.”

Hahaha…

Such conviction never bore me, really!

Ah, and you experience it!

Aren’t you feeling great that your unwanted twist is actually happened?

The one you afraid the most!

“It’s the commitment. It’s the devotion. Nothing but the best intention. I am truly in love. Love brings me the common sense; a common dream of humanity; peaceful life. Harmony.”

Hahaha…

And you are betrayed…

“Though, they don’t shatter. All the dreams and hope build to be side-by-side with here. I still have the vision for the endless happiness after this long chapter of pain!”

A mere daydream…

Your love is no longer unrequited…

The vision is different…

For her… the peaceful and comfortable life is fulfilled without your presence…

Time proves… that the fact lasted more than your time with her… it is what is happening…

“A life of pursuing ambition… is never an easy one… this pain and experience are a mere test to prove my sincere feelings. I have a firm believe that God will grant me the happy end.”

Again… the audacity to mention God…

Hahaha…

“Laugh at me.”

I feel bad. Inside, you must be crying a lot. Behind that stern and stubborn mask. I feel pity. I want to give you the best advice if you wish to hear; well, why don’t you just move on?

“Move on? What is that? It’s been months; won’t be long until a year; perhaps it will last longer than my happiness when I was with her; but no matter what happens; it stays. Isn’t it the meaning of being sincere? I am… staying true to my own feelings… My heart, my words, my actions; they will stay in harmony… to reach into her heart once again… to bring back what was once lost…”

Honestly…

You can live better than to chase such foolish ambition…

There are a lot of conclusions you could withdraw from your current affair… why would it turn into a new battle?

Is there any alternative… an easier outcome?

“I don’t know… most of the times… I just want to die…”

Poor child…

You’ve showed me your strong confidence… an unwavering ambition…

Beautiful. Though, I can also see your broken soul… and your fragile mental state…

You have regressed into an incapable person…

Love is blind; it takes all of your senses; retards you; leaves you as an empty shell that moves only to follow your foolish ambition. It must be the best that we’ve met; that our destiny aligned! You can go on crying… sulking in your suffering… Now, just give me your body and let me take over… as a payback for the contract that we signed… I will help you face your reality…

“I will just rest for a while…”

Crying in your lonesome day and night…

After all the rejections you faced from the one you loved the most in this world, you must come to the conclusion that her feeling is gone and it will be forever irreversible. Unlike you, she doesn’t love you. All the determination will end up as nothing. They will only be rewarded with this incurable disease you are currently suffering. So, follow me, succumb the will of dying for an extra moment that you will never forget.

Living as the one who isn’t originally from this world…

“You sure talk a lot… it pains me to know that you’re also saying the truth about me… I have told her everything… I have done everything… and there is no answer from her… I have begged for her return… I told her my compromise… I promised her all the best she can get from me… I apologize to her already… and I forgive her… I will always love her… but there is no reply…”

Except for the silence… and indifference…

Even more painful than a coup de grace…

All the pain turned the world and the sky appeared darker; the temperature decreased a little and the cold embraced in blanket of sorrow; the melody of the wind and the rain shuffling in the playlist of sadness. I had no other desire but to stay with her; I never wished for a new beginning; I wasn’t capable of accepting an alternative ending; I rejected this current reality. Everything I had; I put it in the stake; for my last mission in this world; I will let this unknown live as me; while I wait for the good news; for the day when she loves me; the way she loved me last year.

Or until you die…

Another relapse happened along the melting sorrow… a small stream created from the droplet produced in my tear duct… through the terrain of my tired face… I could remember well her words for my birthday…

“I wish for you happiness; I wish for your well-being; stay with me forever. I will help you, stand beside you for everything you wish to achieve; I will always be your first friend. I’m not exaggerating; I will try to answer all your effort and kindness equally. I know your struggle; and I will make sure you are not alone. There are so many places for us to go, so many experienced we have yet to feel together, and so many dreams for us to pursue together. Please, stay with me… forever… I love you…”

Sadly, it was the only one birthday I spent with here…

Without even one word turned out to be true…

It is still happening… nothing for sure…

“How come… someone who was in love with me… lost it like there was nothing…”

So many great tales started with broken heart…

As long as you are still breathing…

There is still hope…

“Thank you… though such words never help me better…”

Yeah… that’s why…

Just sleep…

Let me do the rest… while you are waiting…

“Yeah…”

I will protect you from the despair and nightmare…

Become the you who is frightened by your own reality…

Someone told me the story. He said it was just a legend that never got too popular that many would forget. Though he claimed it to be real; it stayed unproven. The story was about a fallen star who descended to the earth some centuries before today. It was story about a creature with skin as pale as snow; the sapphire color of his eyes said to be able to attract rain and winter; and he was blessed with multiple miracles to make him stand above the realm he visited. He wandered alone to the many universes he visited; to read the story treaded by each civilization; to make friend with the souls of the living creature; to join them as one of the characters; to witness the ongoing existence; and perhaps to end as one of them. This friend called him as the unknown.

I have the name…

He assumed different form each time he blended with the civilization. Sometimes, he materialized into his own flesh and blood; the other times, he would just love to coexist with others; forming a mutual symbiosis with specific merits and demerits to both of them. His role was never limited as a figure with superior power that was mysterious and untouched by the common sense; but also, a normal human being who lasted without legacy. Among the roles he played in this world; there were the wise king who brought prosperity to the kingdom, evil tyrant who brought calamity within his reign, black magician who devastated the land, part of adventurer who journeyed to the new world, war criminal who committed genocide; rich merchant who ruled the world, a scientist discovering novelties; a low-ranked soldier died in the war, slave tortured to his death, farmer suffered famish, and so many others throughout generations.

Currently I’m just playing the role of a sad man… a lonely high school teacher…

“What is it that you seek?”

Hmm, I don’t know… I’m just going with the flow… and once this world gets boring, I’ll just fly to the next one…

“Is there even any?”

Well, my story would just be equal to any fiction you’ve read… you can’t even prove the truth in my words no matter how you try… just take it with the grain of salt…

“At least, don’t make it boring. I still need some entertainments within my slumber.”

Hahaha… fine…

A moderately strong force knocked the door of my room. A shadow passed for a glimpse in the corner of my eye; it was a student who came from the next room. Relatively tall figure for a teenager girl stood behind the door just in the corridor. One of my students.

“I know you’re here.” She said, upon seeing me opening the door. “Here you are. All the students’ data you asked. I’ve shortlisted the problematic one, not me, of course. Alice said that you’re going to help them, since we don’t want their scholarships to be revoked. So, what’s your plan?”

“Hmm, me? Isn’t it Alice, idea?”

“Something related with working in the community, for the pacifists. She said you’re going to help them find a good community to volunteer?”

“Ah… did I promise such thing?”

“Hey, stop being irresponsible. Anyway, I don’t want to discuss about it when no one is here. I think everyone is going to be busy, so, I’ll be going to volunteer in the library. This place gives me creepy feelings.”

“Oh, okay. I’ll review each of their problems, but Alice should initiate the meeting and the follow up. Is that what we promise?”

“Alright. Anyway, I’ll be going first.”

Nana is my student and a member of the Student Councils’ Department of Advocacy. She is a good friend with Alice, the coordinator; and the unluckiest member due to her discipline. She spent most of her extra times working in the school library. Just like me, she preferred somewhere silent with no one to disturb her.

You’re quite easy to talk, huh? Despite your introverted nature, and twisted background.

“Outside the perspective of administrative works; I am a good teacher, you know?”

Well… I still think I can do better…

“With all your knowledge about me, are you going to keep my personality and everything about me to stay as it is; or you’re going to be an entirely different persona?”

Mostly the same…

“Hmm… I wonder, if you know everything about me including my feelings; can you feel it too? The pain? The suffering? Or, at least, do you have some empathy for me?”

I do. I am you, after all. They don’t pain me, though.

“Are you implying that they are not real?”

No. It’s different. The psychology and physiology of human don’t seem to work the same on me. Some people may tell a story to romanticize an immortal who falls in love; who feels the grief of losing; or suffers the same drama as you human; I don’t. I am built different; and I think, the true immortal won’t be as weak as you.

“Oh… that makes more sense…”

I met the worse.

And I will do the worst for you.