#anyways that's the scenario. i've been thinking about it for days and i am unwell >///<

[strawberrisoulmate]

psst. you should share the wedding reception dance scenario :3c

wahhhhhh, you're really gonna make me type all that out, huh >///< (this ended up being super long, so i'll put it under a cut)

so basically... i had been thinking a bit about how both luck and hanna would be at yours and claire's wedding. obviously.

claire grew up with the gandors and is considered their adopted brother, so of course they'd be there to support him on his wedding day. hell, i could maybe even see the gandor brothers (+ firo) being his groomsmen with luck potentially even being his best man. regardless, they'd definitely be there. and, since the two of our inserts are such good friends, she would absolutely be there as a guest to the bride (you! uwu)

with all of that said, i can imagine a scenario where our inserts are chatting together and enjoying the wedding reception. there's music pouring out from the stage where the band that claire absolutely hired with his assassin money is and everyone is having a great time drinking and dancing and laughing together.

across the room, luck is observing the party from a distance, sipping his glass of champagne as he watches his brothers dance with their wives from the sidelines. isaac and miria are drinking and laughing loudly with a few of the other guests while firo practically trips over his own feet trying to ask ennis to dance. it's all good fun. he's never been one for dancing himself, but he's perfectly happy to enjoy the atmosphere where everyone else is having a great time around him. it isn't until a flash of red hair and a bright, coy smile comes into view that luck's attention is pulled from the center of the room, followed quickly by an arm being thrown over his shoulder before he has a chance to dodge it.

"luck! whatcha doin' all the way over here? there's a party going on, ya know, and you're over here brooding and drinking all by yourself?"

"i'm not brooding. just enjoying the music from a distance, is all."

"oh, come on! let loose once in a while, will ya? keith and berga both brought their wives along and you didn't even bother to bring a plus one? it's my wedding, remember? you should get out there and dance with someone at least!"

"you know i don't dance. and i don't need a plus one. i'm perfectly content to be here on my own. shouldn't you be with your wife right now?"

"yeah, i'm about to go find her. but still, just do me this one favor. grab yourself a doll to dance just one song with and i'll die a happy man. well, i won't die, but you get the picture. look, there's a cute one right over there. bet she wouldn't turn ya down if you asked her."

"i told you, i don't need to—"

"whoops, gotta go. i think i hear my wife callin' me~"

and with that, he spins on his heel and rushes off back into the crowd.

cut back to our inserts talking before we are promptly interrupted by claire. "pardon the interruption, miss, but i'm gonna be stealin' her away for a little while," he says before taking your hand and practically sweeping you off your feet with a twirl. as he's whisking you away, he sends a glance over his shoulder and is like “oh, and i’ve already taken care of payin’ you back for the advice ya gave me a while back. you can thank me later 👋” and then pulls you along to dance.

for a moment, hanna is confused and just standing there with a blank expression. paying her back? what did he mean by that? she wonders to herself before her thoughts are sharply cut off by the silhouette of a figure coming into view. she looks up at the person with curiosity before her eyes meet those of luck gandor. a man she'd met on occasion and had spoken to once or twice, but they hadn't had many opportunities to converse all that deeply. before she can ask him if he needs anything from her, he speaks up and asks her if she would like to dance.

huh? a dance? with me?

immediately, her cheeks begin to heat up and she pauses, stunned silent for a couple of seconds before she fumbles out a modest — and slightly awkward — "s-sure. i'd be honored" before reaching out and taking his hand.

as they make their way towards the dance floor, hanna looks around the room, catching your eye as you dance with your new husband and gives you a confused look, only to be met with a surprised grin back. luck's feet stop, making hanna stumble a bit behind him, before he turns back to her. the hand that had been in hers moved to her waist, resting against her lower back and the girl could feel her face heating up even warmer than before. for a moment, she hesitates, but ultimately follows his lead and steps closer, moving one hand to land daintily on his shoulder while the other gently rests in his free hand.

as they begin to move, stepping and swaying to the music, hanna's eyes fall to the floor, watching her feet in an attempt to both make sure she doesn't accidentally step on his as well as to avoid the piercing gaze that she could feel staring holes into her. she'd never danced with anyone, and much less been this close to any man before, so she was sure that her nerves were very clearly shining through.

"you know, i think you're supposed to look at the person you're dancing with."

"a-ah… i'm sorry."

"you seem nervous."

"well, i've never… i mean, nobody has ever asked me to dance before."

he chuckles softly.

"well, i've never asked anyone to dance before, so i suppose there's a first for everything."

the girl quietly squeaks with embarrassment, but something about hearing that makes her incredibly happy. she forces her eyes to look up at him and he's gazing back down at her with a charming smile that made her heart harshly skip a beat.

"i suppose i'll follow your lead then, mr. luck."

a nervous giggle escapes her as she quickly corrects herself.

"excuse me— i mean mr. gandor."

"hm, luck is fine. you can drop the "mister", too. makes me feel old."

"a-alright…"

and that's pretty much it.

they continue to dance until the song ends and then part ways, but oh man, does hanna now have some feelings to sort through ahah.

she spends the entire rest of the evening in a daze as she replays it over and over in her head and continues to find herself daydreaming about his pretty eyes and his charming smile and the way he held her as they danced and the tingling feeling left on her fingers from how they felt against his hand.

she was already a hopeless romantic before, but now she's absolutely down bad 😂

[recurring-polynya]

I know you’re on team renruki all the way (I am too!) but I was curious if you had other characters in mind who you’d think would match up well with renji romantically. Kind of like a backup ship? :)

I used to have a lowkey fondness of Renji/Orihime, primarily because they are both people who put everyone before themselves, and that's a ship dynamic that's very appealing to me. I sometimes think that if Renruki had not been canon, I might have gone deeper down this rabbithole, altho I think it more likely that I probably just wouldn't have ended up writing any Bleach fanfic at all. (I did write one, ages ago). Since that time, however, I have written so much Renruki fanfic that focuses on the depth and breadth of their relationship to the point where nothing else comes close for me. I have also enjoyed the occasional RenIchi content (not so much b/c I'm into it, but because the RenIchi people are really talented), but I always get the same hang-up of it's just not Renruki. I used to have more tolerance for non-Rukia Renji ships, but I've gotten less flexible about it over time, I guess.

That being said, I often enjoy seeing Renji get paired up with other people in non-endgame ways. He's an easygoing guy and fun to be around and also really good looking, so I don't think he lacked for companionship during his separation from Rukia. (Note: I don't think either of them were celibate during that time, and I don't regard this as being "unfaithful." It was 40 years, Renji had no idea if his plans were ever going to pay off, and they are both pragmatists.) At the same time, I think there's this level at which he is just not emotionally available, because he's still hung up on her. I actually think that it is the nature of Soul Society that relationships are ephemeral by default. Shinigami live until they get killed, which could be a really, really, really long time, and marriage and children aren't necessarily the goal unless you're in the succession line of a noble family. It's funny to think about, to me, the idea of dating someone for a couple of hundred years, but not really be serious about it. It lasts while it lasts, y'know?

Anyway, here are some Renji-hookup scenarios I enjoy, in order of how much I enjoy them. (if you're wondering why there are no captains on this list, it's because power-imbalances in relationships are a huge turn-off to me)

Shuuhei. Extremely Renji's type. Also very easy-going and a good friend. Shuuhei has baggage, sure, but the Rukia-thing doesn't particularly intersect with any of his own baggage. Just two hot guys, drinking, smooching, writing copy for the Seireitei Comm and tooling around on the motorbike.

Nanao. I think he would be really into the sexy librarian thing she has going on. I think she would appreciate that he has more going on in the brains department than it would appear. The fact that he's hung up on an old flame is fine, since she's cursed to kill anyone she marries. They have incredibly hot sex. Truly spectacular.

Rangiku, but strictly friends-with-benefits. The benefits are really good tho.

I am not immune to a really angsty fanfic where he hooks up with Momo.

I think that in his Squad 11 baby days, he had the most gruesome crush one person has ever had on another on Ikkaku (who is 1000% taken, which might be Part of It). I hope you just full-body shuddered. I'm obsessed with this, though, sorry, not sorry.

I read a fanfic once that was really pre-relationship IkkaYumi, but there was an extended period of Yumichika and Renji hooking up and I think about this more than I should??

Akon. Why not? His horns are cute.

Because it feels like an omission, I want to say for the record that I wish all the love to the Izuru/Renji shippers, but I am not for it, because I think their mental unwellnesses intersect in a way that makes them really great and supportive as friends but would turn bad quick in an intimate relationship. (I realize one could spin this for the angst, but this is not the kind of angst I enjoy)

[seafoamchild]

october 23rd

started serving again. because the job hunt is nothing but dead ends so far. i'm trying to be optimistic but it's hard. do people really feel so passionate about something that they want to do it for a career? i don't. i think i am just really depressed and i have been for so, so long.

today was so bad. it started off okay. it was warm and beautiful outside and the leaves are gorgeous. i went for a four mile run. and then i went to the farmers market and bought apples and eggs and apple butter. then i drove to my parents house. i had been texting my mom about going on a hike today and i kind of thought it'd be just the two of us. but of course my dad had to come too. and he changes the whole vibe of everything. he's so anxious. just filling every silence with rambling and constantly making sure we're going the right way and checking in all the time. everything is such a big deal. he is the least chill person on the entire planet. it is exhausting to be around.

something about being around my parents in the car for so long and then on a long hike just triggered an emotional shutdown within me. i wanted so badly to disappear or to be alone. they're not bad people. they're wonderful in so many ways. but i couldn't stand being there with them today. it is so bad and i don't know why it happens. it's like my entire personality shuts down when i'm with them sometimes. i have to play nice songs in my head or play out imaginary scenarios in my mind just to keep existing. it's so hard for me to talk to them. i think i feel like a failure around them, maybe. i don't want to talk about how i'm actually doing. because i'm painfully unwell when i really take a look at things. and i know i can't hide that from them like i can so easily with other people.

i feel lousy for not being able to find a job, and for not being able to find the motivation. i feel like the corporate culture isn't for me anyway. i feel like i don't have the drive or the passion to succeed at this kind of thing. but i don't know what else to do. i don't want to wait tables forever. i want to do something that excites me. but i don't know what that could be. i don't want to have to keep starting over. but that seems to be the way i am going. i feel just as uncertain about everything as i always have. nothing is clear to me. what do i want? where do i want to be? i have no clue.

i feel bad for the way i've been treating people. like with austin, how i led him on for so long. and we hung out yesterday and went on a beautiful hike and he just wanted to talk about feelings again and i kind of shut him down because i didn't want to talk about feelings. and then with elliott, who i have most definitely also been leading on. i've just let him continue hitting me up and i go along with it, we go to the library and hang out and talk and stuff but i'm not interested in it going any further than that. and i haven't made that clear to him. because i have avoidant issues. it's like i'm treating these poor dudes the same way luke treated me and i was so upset about it. i'm doing the same kind of thing.

i'm still hooking up with luke pretty regularly and i haven't told my therapist that. i don't know if it's bad or not. i also was a dick to lora the other day when i invited luke over and basically told her she couldn't come home. that was so fucking selfish of me. she confronted me and i apologized. but like god dammit. i usually do not treat people like this.

i don't know what is going to come of this pseudo-relationship with luke. i enjoy seeing him and obviously we enjoy being physical with each other, and we have fun chatting and stuff. we care about each other. i told him i was going back to serve at the market and he seemed excited about seeing me more often. our relationship is so much better with a lot of distance. but this arrangement is not sustainable. who knows what will happen. maybe one of us will start seeing someone else exclusively, in which case we'll probably have to stop talking altogether. maybe we'll just outgrow each other. maybe we'll get back together, which would probably be a mistake. but there is a part of me that wonders, if i can get my depression under control, could i not be a fucking mess in a relationship?

i think i actually do need to be medicated. i go to the psychiatrist tomorrow. i think i've had high-functioning depression for so long that i don't even know what it feels like to not have depression. i can accomplish things and get through my day and socialize and go to work and everything, but i feel so little motivation in general, and sometimes i go through spells where the depression just knocks all the energy out of me and i can't function in social situations and i don't see the point of anything. and i have suicidal ideation a lot. i just want to not feel heavy. i think so many things are wrong with me right now. i am not happy, i am not fulfilled. i deserve to feel better than this.

my mom is so worried about me. she told me today. she said i have been unhappy for too long and it's disturbing. i can't hide anything from her. i wish i could get better. maybe i will. i don't want to feel so heavy and sad. i want to feel excited about my life. and i don't.