#anyways my entire diet is sugar and salt and caffeine

[amadnessofwords]

turns out i don't even think another disabled person with autism wants me. which means i was right this whole time. wooo *says it sarcastically.*

Also his family hates me and has been actively trying to get rid of me since July.

they hate the way i handle relationships. Apparently putting your partner first and helping with what i can to the point of making myself exhausted and then asking for help from my partner because i am so exhausted is wrong of me.

i need to be super independent and do everything myself no mater what even with extreme fatigue.

this is where the problem started. it got worse after his parents got into the middle of the relationship.

apparently when they first met me they though they could 'fix me' and help get rid of my 'problems' umm that's not how this works. i didn't ask to be 'fixed' or my ' problems solved'.

I've had MS since i was 19 and i handle it to the best of my ability, my neurologist is happy with how i'm handling it so that should be good enough. but not for them. they want me trying this med or that med and even suggested a diffrent neurologist since mine is starting to retire. they don't think i'm doing a good enough job. they don't like that my diet limits my food and have even suggested that if i went on meds i wouldn't have to have such a restrictive diet and could eat a little bit more unhealthy. like what? excuse me but this is my health were talking about and i have managed to keep it stable for over 10 years without meds which is a miracle. also i never did good on any of the MS meds and that why i don't taken them, like i had really really bad reactions to all of the ones I've tried.

for those wondering my diet is a anti inflammatory diet which consists of. fish, chicken and turkey. lots of fruits and veggies. nuts and seeds. low salt, low sugar, no caffeine. i don't drink (i hate the taste of alcohol anyways). so it's a really healthy diet.

they have commented on how i exercise, i walk for about a hour and a half or two hours everyday. if it's summer i'll swim sometimes. they say it's not real exercise. i have been able to keep my muscles working well and keep in shape. his mom is like you need to sweat in order to have any real exercise.

they have commented on how i look, they don't like that my teeth are a little stained (it's from childhood. to much soda and sugar and not enough brushing) and want me to get veneers. umm hello keep your opinions to yourself on how i look. if you have a problem that's a you problem not a me problem and i'm not going to change just because you don't like it. i'm pretty sure veneers would bother my autism to.

speaking on autism they want me to go to a behavior therapist to work on it when the only problem i have had with it recently has been with them. like i went my entire adult life without problems and now i'm having them because they don't seem to understand boundaries or even how autism works dispite having a son that also has it. they seem to think it's something you can work past and make go away.

unless i'm pushed and pushed or plans changed last minute (i'm really bad with last minute changed plans, it takes awhile to process the change) or super over stimulated it dosn't usually come out. they have done all of these thigs to me and then blame me on my reaction and how i handle them (i sometimes have autistic fits where i rock back and forth or hit myself. they don't happen that often maybe in the last two year 5 times because of being to pushed to far but before that almost never)and tell me to 'work on it' without trying to understand why it's happening.

i'm also super introverted, i can handle people once in awhile, i enjoy events and conventions but then i have to go home and recharge. they were expecting me to go to a lot of social gathering and be okay when i have a low social battery which isn't going to happen. i'm going to end up exhausted and grumpy. and then boyfriend tells me "i used to be super intoverted and i worked really hard to be more extrovered you can do it to" umm i don't want to. and i can''t it's not in my nature to be around people every week without a break. i like my alone time.

they have also told me to not ask my boyfriend for anything and to do it myself if i wanted to go places and told him to ONLY go to the things he wants to do. it don't matter if i want to do something only if he dose, this is for going out as a couple.

so now i only go to places either by myself or with friends. i don't even bother asking him anymore after his parents got upset about him going with me to Knotts Scary Farm, and again asking him if he wants to go to San Francisco with me for my birthday (he dosn't and his parents don't want him going so i'm going with a close friend instead).

honestly i feel like i'm walking on egg shells around his parents and get really panicky if i do anything wrong. i broke out in tears the last two times they said i did something 'wrong'

the first time i was super sick with a cold so i asked him if he could take me to the store for a few items, i asked him when we were alone. i think one of his parents asked where he was going so he told them, i saw the frustation and anger in there faces so i tried fixing the problem by saying i'll just walk even if it'll make me sicker. they didn't like how i worded it so his dad in a very mean almost looking down on someone voice told me not to ask boyfriend to do anything special for me and to do it myself. the way he said it set me off a little so i told him i'm just going to go home. like he said it in such a way that i felt like i didn't deserve to be there, that asking while i was sick is wrong and i had no right to ask boyfriend for anything.

the other one was boyfriend said i could have some chocolate, we had agreed before i could take some from the bottom of the box since the top and bottom were the same and when i went to get one, i was going to ask again just to double check he got upset and told me no and that i shouldn't have taken the other one before when he said i could. i got confused about him going back on his word, his parents were there so i felt like i did something wrong and i ended up crying because of it.

on his end

he's stating to cross boundaries he know i put in place for safety like no sex at my house since i live with my mom and siblings and my mom is super conservative when it comes to sex. if she walks in on that i can be 1 kicked out of the house and 2 slut shamed. two things i don't want. but he keeps trying to break that boundary.

when i'm at his house he never asks what i want to watch or if i say what i want to watch he ignores it and just picks something he thinks i might like. most of the time i don't. i actually hate anime. he wont bother with anything i suggest.

there's more i just can't think of it right now, since i'm tired and it's late

i'm starting to feel just terrible and like i'm just pushed in a corner and walking on eggshells but in a diffrent way then with my ex. there's just a lot of judgment, he and his parents keep trying to change and fix me to what they want and wont listen to what i want and there's no just accepting who i am as a person.

he's recently told me if i don't start changing and working on my autism then he dosn't know if there even a future. who says that?

love is about accepting the other person where they are and helping them though life not finding someone and changing them into what you want.

i've neve judged him ever i just accept who he is as a person. apparently he cant do the same and neither can his parents.

he also said he dosn't know if he can be with someone who dosen't get along with his parents and at this point i doubt anyone is going to get along with his parents there hypocrites, rude and closed minded.

like i have noticed sometime they say something about me but when boyfriend dose the same thing it's okay. like make it make sense.

if this ends i think i'll just stay single focus on myself and my health and traveling. two failed relationships is good enough for me.

i highly doubt that anyone wants a disabled autistic person. what's happening now kinda proves it.

[asfdhgsdkjhgb]

i was gonna log off n have dinner n then sleep but i had a realization that made my brain hurt so im documenting it on the internet ig

[fallingintounfolding]

Nobody wants to hear about your cleanse.

Yes. I know. 

I don’t want to hear about yours either. But hey—this blog is only half for you. The other half is mine to record the shit I want to record. So, I am going to talk about it anyway. 

Preamble

This winter thus far has been dark and dirty and mostly immobile. 

Lowlights:

Being bedridden for 6 weeks due to an ankle injury.

5 bad hook-ups in a row, followed by a long month of celibacy. 

Watching no less than 10 series (some even had multiple seasons) on Netflix...almost consecutively. 

Spending the holidays solo.

Eating enough food to feed a small vegan horse. 

Drinking more alcohol than the two seasons before combined.

Honestly? I spent days on end in this apartment bemoaning how I went from such a spiritual high at the end of the summer to these super low blues. 

But I can’t live in the super low blues. The best thing to do is to let your self suffer for a wee bit, then pick yourself up and fix it. 

I am doing that through a cleanse. 

Whenever I hear “cleanse,” I think about Kelly from that episode of the office where she does the MasterCleanse. This sums it up. 

This is not this kind of cleanse. 

This is more like I am treating myself to a retreat. But without leaving the city. Because I have classes. And I have to get a citizenship. Oh, and Canada currently has my passport. 

But it’s ok. I am going to treat myself to retreat. 

Resetting: The Plan

A 21-day reset followed by a 10-day Vipassanā meditation. 

21-Day Detox

I have examined the areas of my life that I feel are in need of a boost. Then made a list of things that were no longer serving me that I need to boot. 

Here was the list I made late one night in my head when my ex-boyfriend was sleeping over, and was snoring, and I couldn’t sleep. 

First thing to go: the ex-boyfriend. (Just kidding. He is nice and we love each other. Maybe I will read this line years from now and roll my eyes at myself.)

The list:

Do more yoga

Start meditating again

Just drink more water

Get my french to the next level

Quit being a wimp about cycling the hills in Brussels

Stop.fucking.drinking.

Get more vitamin D

Do a serious fast. Stop eating fries and cashews.

Stop seeing people for while

Get rid of Netflix.  Get rid of all non-work or writing related webstuff

Do more art.

Then I designed myself some resources to help. 

The thing about being a decent designer is that you can make yourself motivating materials, that are 100% personalized to you. I went to the local printers and printed these in colour for €2, and hung them on my walls. 

The Day Plan

Download this here.

Like a real retreat, I made myself a schedule. I scheduled in my goals, and when I was going to do things. That way I don’t get to the end of the night and think “Well, shit. Now I don’t have time.” 

I have the time. It is clearly laid out. 

Each part of the day is divided up with time to create nice salads, meditate, work on my art or writing. 

What I don’t have time for is Facebook or Netflix. 

There are some notes on the bottom of the page to remind myself my other goals and why I am doing this, so I will subconsciously see them and be motivated. 

The Meal Plan

Download this here.

My diet is pretty clean. 

When I started looking at detoxes online, a lot of them were like “Stop eating meat, sugar and caffeine.” I was like “My life is a goddamn detox.” But, that doesn’t mean I have been eating the best I can, 

I have clearly been eating too many fries, cashews, and beer. 

And not nearly enough leafy greens. 

So, for the next 21 days, just being a plant is not enough.

I am upping the fresh greens and lowering the nuts and oils. I thought about cutting them entirely, and I might do this for a few days in the detox, but it is hard to roast vegetables or get the salt to stick to your popcorn with no oil at all. 

And plus, nuts are a very important source of protein and minerals. Just not so much. A wee bit gets to stay. 

The Checklist

Download this here. 

I love a checklist. 

And I love seeing that I am doing something well at something 

The daily checks will help me build my momentum (ie. I am not going to have a beer if I have 15 check marks, and I know I won’t get to check that day if I do.) so this is where this checklist comes in. 

The checklist includes:

Tech detox: now I need my MacBook for work and writing. I am keeping Gmail, WhatsApp, Memrise, and Gaia. Other than that, I have cleared everything non-essential from my iPhone and MacBook and downloaded SelfControl for the first two weeks until I break the habit. Farewell Facebook. See you later Instagram. Toodles Twitter. I am off. 

Nutrition: I talked about this in the last section, but I am giving myself a tick for each day I stick to my daily meal plan.

Alcohol-free: This winter I have been drinking at least 15 units a week. And that's being modest. Not only is it packing on the kilos, but the hangover stops me from meditating and doing yoga the next day, not so good. So, I put all my special drinks on the top shelf, and am giving my liver a break for the next month. 

Yoga: I do 20-30 minutes of yoga every morning, which helps me stretch out the creakiness, but I’d like to up my vinyasa game and intensify my practice a bit this month. But whether it is 1 hour of yin or vinyasa, I am getting a check for every day I hit my mat. 

Meditation: Meditation is an essential. I have two mediation slots in my day, one which is a simple, easy, meditation where I will simply work on time (Adding 3 minutes each day) The second mediation is either a full body relaxation meditation or one on Gaia. 

Art: This is either drawing, cycle repair, or writing. All I include as art, creative expression and experience. I haven’t been to my art class since I hurt my ankle. I got tired of drawing naked people. But I am going to launch back in with my own projects this season.  

Solitude Training: So, at the end of the month, I am doing a ten day Vipassana course. Part of that is going to be the silence, but also the emotional solitude. And I am going to start working on this for the detox. The people in my life are lovely, but I need to work on getting really comfortable with solitude. So, this means I am drastically reducing how much I talk to people and socialize. In exception of the plans I have already made (and school/work) I am flying solo for the next month. (Note: this also includes being celibate for the next month. Dear god. But “ITS GONNA BE AMAZING”....) 

Sun: It has been so dark, which has had an effect on my serotonin levels. So, I get a check for 30 minutes spent outside. Even if it is not sunny. 

Vitamin Wash: There have been a ton of studies done on vitamin supplements, and my conclusion is that they really can’t replace a diet filled with organic, fresh, phytochemicals. This being said, an intense vitamin c wash can transform your entire system, from your immunity to your mind. So, I am going supplement megadoses of vitamin c for the detox. Get into the blood. And wash out some of that cashew and coconut fat. 

Vipassanā

All this detoxing is really leading up to the big cleanse: the Vipassanā retreat.

If you’ve heard of Vipassanā before, you’re probably thinking: 10 days of trying to sit still and complete silence. Pretty drastic. 

And while that is a part of it, it is not the essence. 

The essence is taking some time to take an in-depth look into your own mind. While you meditate, you see the rising and passing away of your thoughts, which leads to deep insights into not only how you think, but life as a whole. 

But it is not for the faint of heart. And it will get tough. 

That's why I am doing three weeks of prep before I go. 

Going to grab some blankets and head up to Dhamma Pajjota in the north east of Belgium. To sit quietly and observe my own mind for a while. 

I don’t know how much I will want to write during my process. Part of me wants to commit to tracking the whole thing, and the other half thinks it is better to just sink into it and see how I feel on the other side. Maybe I will find a place in between.

The detox section starts tomorrow! I am excited. 

Kind of. 

[bitchninthekitchnnn]

Women Puddin’ Other Women Down

I’m going to bitch about a topic that’s really been grinding my gears lately: women putting other women down. But before I get started, I wanted to talk about the Women’s March that happened last weekend on Saturday January 21st.

IT. WAS. AWESOME.

I participated in the Denver, Colorado march. My roommates and I got up at the crack of dawn, drove to Denver (we live in Boulder) and marched from morning ‘til afternoon.

Everything about the day was exhilarating. We chose to drive to Denver because the line for the RTD bus at the Boulder station wrapped around the block (this was at 7:15AM, hours before the march was supposed to start). As we drove down route 36, we saw floods of people along each bus stop, faces and signs bright from the reflection of the pink sunrise.

After we found a parking spot in Denver, we stopped for a caffeine fix at Pablo’s Coffee. We waited in line for 40 minutes with dozens of other marchers to find that our coffee and breakfast treats had been covered for all participating in the march. As we made our way to the capital, the streets were flooded with caring, loving, progressive, strong people, all eager to hit the streets.

The morning had a slow start. We were at a standstill for about 2 hours. The reason being: there were SO. MANY. PEOPLE. I was delightfully surprised by the outcome, and the amount of men in the crowds! There were people of all different races, ages, sexual orientations and disabilities, out in Denver on a chilly morning making our voices heard.

The city of Denver expected 40,000 people to come through. As of right now, it’s estimated somewhere around 200,000. We showed up. We made a difference. We sprawled through city, together, peacefully, and proudly. For the first time since election night, I’ve felt hopeful.

Now let’s get down to bitchin’.

Women putting other people down. There are sooooo many examples of this, but here’s a few to get started:

-Women talking shit about another woman's sexual history (IE: She has threesomes on the reg. She must not respect herself.)

-Women outwardly questioning another’s makeup and wardrobe choices (IE: You’re wearing that?)

-Women insulting another female for their life choices (IE: making stay at home moms feel like they’re not politically woke because they chose be at home with their families).

-Women commenting on your breakfast choices (IE: wow, that is A LOT of bacon).

-Women pointing out social interactions (IE: She’s always looking for attention. I feel bad for her).

The list goes on. Why do we do this?

Throughout high school, my weight fluctuated frequently. I had an extra 30-40 pounds on me during my freshman and sophomore year. Stress and an overwhelming sense of low self worth made me overeat. By the end of junior year I was tired of hating my body, and started “dieting” (aka starving myself) to feel pretty. And hey, it worked! Boys started looking at me in ways I wasn’t used to, friends complimented me and encouraged me to “keep it up!”

I was grossly thin. I was always tired. I was obsessed with running for miles, and then stepping onto my bathroom scale right afterwards to see how much weight I’d lost during the run. Yeah. It was messed up.

Enter grandma. She lived next door to me when I was growing up, and was present for most of my childhood. She was a firecracker of a woman who I loved very much. She was also incredibly shallow. To be fair, she grew up during a time where your dress size determined your entire self worth. That mindset was certainly perpetuated onto all of her daughters, and granddaughters.  

During the time I was losing weight, she always had a positive comment, and, like my friends, encouraged me to “keep it up!” I would walk over her house after school, you know, for some standard gram time. She greeted me at the door with a full body scan, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. I knew I looked up to her standards with the first words that came out of her mouth. If I was looking slim, she would say “Carla, you look so beautiful!” as she held the screen door open. If I had a couple extra pounds (which I swear to god, she could pick up on like a hawk) she would grimace and say, “Hello.” The interaction started to stress me out so much that I stopped visiting her solo. I’d only cross the yard when my sister, mom, dad or boyfriend at the time could be the buffer. And go through the door first.

Why do women do this to each other? NY Times puts it eloquently:

We aren’t competing with other women, ultimately, but with ourselves — with how we think of ourselves. For many of us, we look at other women and see, instead, a version of ourselves that is better, prettier, smarter, something more. We don’t see the other woman at all.

(https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/01/opinion/sunday/why-women-compete-with-each-other.html)

Women have it ROUGH. Like so many other minorities, we’ve have to fight for every single right we have. Life would be a little sweeter if us ladies stopped comparing, judging, belittling each other for our choices. Next time you’re thinking about making a comment that’s meant to knock a woman down a peg, think about where the root of that comment is coming from, and work on those insecurities instead.

NOW LET’S GET TO THE KITCHN’.

Picking Women Up, Not Puddin’ Them Down

Lavender Lemon Pudding with Honey Poached Pears and Candied Lemons

OG recipe from Cafe Johnsonia: http://cafejohnsonia.com/2013/10/lavender-panna-cotta-honey-poached-pears.html

Total time: 1 hour 5 mins // Serves: 6-8

Alright, technically this a recipe for *panna cotta,* but they’re essentially the same thing. Pudding feels less intimidating and in all truth I just couldn’t let go of the name.

This recipe is easy, it just takes time. There’s just a lot of steps, and a good amount of throwin’ shit together. It’s not that bad, I promise!

For lavender lemon pudding:

3 Tablespoons cold water

one package gelatin

1¾ cups heavy cream

1¼ cups whole milk

½ cup sugar

1 teaspoon lavender buds

1 teaspoon vanilla extract (or ½ vanilla bean, scraped)

For honey poached pears:

3 slightly under-ripe pears, cored and peeled, cut into quarters

½ cup water

¼ cup honey

Juice of 1 large lemon

Peel of one large lemon cut into strips (I used a vegetable peeler to create long strips and cut them into thinner strips with a sharp knife)

1 teaspoon lavender buds

1 vanilla bean, split lengthwise down the middle

pinch sea salt

For candied lemon peel:

Reserved poaching liquid, only pears removed

¼ cup granulated sugar or evaporated cane juice

For lavender lemon pudding:

Have ready 6-8 custard cups or ramekins. (You can lightly oil them if you plan on turning them out onto a plate, it helps them release better.) Place the ramekins in a 9- by 13-inch baking dish or on a rimmed baking sheet. Set aside.

Place the cold water in a small bowl and sprinkle the gelatin on top. Let soften for 5-10 minutes.

Meanwhile, combine heavy cream, milk, sugar, and lavender in a medium saucepan. Heat gently, stirring to dissolve sugar, until the mixture just comes to a boil. Remove from heat and add the softened gelatin. Place back on the stove and heat gently until the gelatin is completely dissolved, about 2-3 minutes.

Stir in the vanilla and strain through a fine mesh sieve into a large measuring cup with a spout. Pour about ½ cup of the mixture into the ramekins. (There might be some leftover depending on the size of the ramekins.) Let stand until cooled to room temperature, then cover the ramekins with plastic wrap and place in the fridge for several hours to chill until set.

For honey poached pears:

Place the pears, water, honey, lemon juice and peel. lavender and vanilla bean in a small sauce pan Bring to a simmer and cook until pears are just tender, stirring occasionally and making sure the bottom doesn't burn. (If it does start to burn, the heat is way too high. It should just barely simmer.)

The pears will probably need between 30-45 minutes to properly poach. Check for doneness by inserting the tip of a sharp knife into one of the pears. If it goes in easily, then the pears are done. If not, cook for a few more minutes. Remove the pears and place them in a bowl to cool. Reserve the poaching liquid and other ingredients.

For the candied lemon peel:

Bring the poaching liquid to a boil and then lower the heat a bit and continue cooking until the liquid reduces and become syrupy, an additional 15 minutes or so. Remove the lemon peel from the syrup, letting as much of the syrup drip back into the pan as possible.

Reserve the remaining syrup to use as a sauce when serving. Place the sugar in a shallow bowl and add the lemon peel to the bowl and roll until coated. Set the zest aside to finish cooling. You may need to roll them in the sugar several times. Set them aside until serving time.

To serve:

Either serve the pudding still in the ramekin or carefully loosen it from the mold with a thin knife and turn upside down on a plate. Top with 3-4 pear slices and drizzle with some of the syrup and top with a few strips of candied lemon peel.

Note from the “editor”:

Carla is one of the best people. She’s got it all going on. She has the most beautifully curated Instagram, the best fucking attitude I could ever hope to steal for myself. Follow her if you feel like you need some feel good posts in your social media. I love her. She’s the best. 

As a woman, life is already hard. We should spend more time lifting each other up rather than puddin’ each other down just to feel a little more ahead. This goes for everything. The basic lesson in intersectional feminism really. We all can’t get ahead if everyone is pushing everyone else down. It just doesn’t work like that. Getting your own self image and worth to a good point is so damn hard anyway. Ugh. Anyway, Carla, youre beautiful. I love your mind. Reader, You’re beautiful, and I love you for being here. 

If you want to write for this blog, just let me know! There are submission guidelines HERE Bitch it to me ladies. 

[whole30problems]

Day 20: 1/20/18

Soooo... we are considering not finishing this Whole30. I’ll get into why, but let me first just say that I realize this seems like a really lame cop out. And I think it would be if this was the first time I was doing Whole30. But I already did the whole thing once so I know I’m capable of it - so it doesn’t feel like giving up to me, it feels like considering my options knowing how I’ll feel in both scenarios and trying to make the more mature move instead of focusing on the guilt that I think people will be disappointed in me or make fun of me or whatever might happen.

Actually, lemme just tell you about my day because I think then you may understand where I’m coming from.

Breakfast

I woke up at 5am again, sneezing and with a constantly runny nose (I should have taken a picture of how many tissues I used in the next hour; I think it was probably like 30). For some context on this: I have woken up between 4-5am every single day for the last... I think 2 weeks? We finally acknowledged today that it seems like I might be allergic to something in the apartment, because it seems like as soon as I leave home I’m fine, and as soon as I come back (like right now, as I type this, I am sneezing again, and I have not sneezed in hours) it starts up again. So that is stressful thing #1.

So I woke up at 5, put in a few hours of work (stressful thing #2: work is crazy right now for a bunch of reasons and I know someone’s going to yell at me about work/life balance but I work at a very early stage startup that is doing a lot of cool things and this is not the time for me to have a work life balance so just don’t yell at me about it. But yes I basically work 24/7 currently and it’s exhausting), and sat around sneezing and feeling miserable. 

Erik woke up eventually and offered to make some of those yummy smashed potatoes out of leftover cooked potatoes we have in the fridge. I said that sounded great. Then he came out of the kitchen with ONE plate with a couple potatoes and a sausage on it. I asked him where my breakfast was and he said he didn’t realize I wanted any. “What made you think,” I asked him, “That I would be making my own breakfast at some time in the future? I’ve been awake for hours and I’m starving. I also literally can’t stop sneezing long enough to even make it into the kitchen, PLUS I’m in the middle of a bunch of work.” (I am a joy to build a life with.) So he made me some breakfast:

Then he went off to skate (his current passion) and was so excited because this is the first day in months where it’s warm enough that he can go do it outside. He came back only an hour later, which is always a bad sign because it means something went wrong. It turns out the skate park was closed (and still full of snow), and he crumbled. The problem is, as I may have described here before, that January removes everything Erik loves. He’s not allowed to have beer. He’s not allowed to eat any comfort foods. He doesn’t have any free time because he’s constantly doing the dishes (or helping with other household chores that I don’t have time to do because I’m cooking every second of the day that I’m home). And he can’t spend any time outdoors, which makes him totally insane.

So on days like this, where he thought he might have something nice to do and then even that got taken away from him, it’s really not easy for him to bounce back. To his credit he tried, but it illuminated for me yet again how miserable this diet is making him. It’s just withholding one more thing that has the potential to make him have a good day. So there’s stressful thing #3.

Lunch

We went to see a couple apartments (as I think I mentioned the other day, we just found out we have to move), and since this was my first time really moving around today I noticed that a subtle lower back pain from yesterday had blossomed into what felt like a full-on muscle sprain. It was bad enough that I was limping a little because it hurt every time I moved my leg (back injury: stressful thing #4). When we got home from looking at the apartments, we did some stretching, which helped a little, but when I stood up from the floor I got really dizzy and that thing happened where I blacked out for a few seconds and couldn’t see anything and had to hold on to Erik until it passed. (Concerned family reading this: I promise I am fine, this is not something that happens often.)

This is when Erik totally lost his mind. He started expressing some concerns that I guess he’s had for a while, which is that I’ve basically been sick the whole time we’ve been doing Whole30 (as he put it, "I’ve never seen you this frail in the entire time I’ve known you”) and he strongly feels I should consider whether or not this makes sense for me to keep doing. I argued that I don’t see how eating less healthy would make me feel any better. What, if I was drinking regularly and eating pasta all my problems would be solved? And I really don’t know the answer to this - I don’t know if these things are a coincidence or if my diet really is hurting me somehow - but I do know that last year at this time I felt great, and for whatever reason I do not feel great now. I do have more energy at work, yes, which is nice, but I think that’s just because I’m not drinking and I’m not eating sugar and I’m going to bed earlier. But I feel sick, and weak, and exhausted at the end of the day, and I can’t sleep. So something certainly doesn’t feel right. Stressful thing #5.

Anyway, we argued about that for a while and then I made us a greek salad, which was really good!

It’s just romaine, hardboiled eggs, tomatoes, and kalamata olives. The dressing is olive oil, red wine vinegar, lemon juice, garlic, and salt and pepper. While I was making this admittedly very simple and quick salad, I was also heavily guilting my husband about not offering to make it. But the problem is, he hates cooking more than anything in the world, I think maybe even a tiny bit more than he hates seeing me in pain, which is certainly a lot. So I made lunch while I moaned every time I had to move because my back hurt, and constantly blew my nose because it wouldn’t stop running, and generally gave him a hard time. The thing is, I joke about this a lot here, but this kind of intense diet really is tough on a (or at least our) relationship. It’s so much work, and it’s neverending. Erik has done the dishes 3 times today, and somehow there are still dishes in the sink. There’s always groceries to order or something to clean or something to cook. And it is very much not making us enjoy the limited time we have together at home. Stressful thing #6.

I took a nap after lunch and that helped (so did the heating pad I put under my back).

Dinner

We did have one really nice part of our day. Remember that angel Duncan who cooked us a Whole30 dinner last year? He did it again this year, and this time he had help in the form of a second angel, Sarah:

They hosted us for dinner, and made us a delicious salad, a spatchcocked (??) chicken, and a truly amazing slow cooker curry cauliflower korma that you should 100% make. This was the best dinner I’ve had probably all month (half because it was good, and half because I didn’t have to make it). We brought the La Croix. They wouldn’t let us clean up any of the dishes after dinner. Like I said: angels.

They read the blog, so we talked a lot about how it’s going and the pros/cons. And while we were talking about it, I realized... there aren’t really any pros this year. In addition to all the health problems I’ve been having, I also still haven’t dropped more than those original 5 lbs (and I’m convinced that was just from getting rid of alcohol). And we’re just... so... miserable.

Duncan also made us a “second course” (since we’re not allowed to have “dessert”) which was a sort of smoothie made from bananas, coconut milk, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Oh my god it was heavenly.

On our walk home, Erik and I had some real talk about the Whole30. He told me how guilty he felt eating that paleo crack bar the other day because it had raw maple syrup in it, and how it got him thinking that so many of the Whole30 rules seem so silly because we already know (from doing it + reintroduction last year) that a bunch of the forbidden foods don’t make us personally feel bad. I also think I’ve been relying on the Whole30 too much as my sole (theoretical) method of losing weight or staying skinny when really what I should probably be doing is exercising. And, ya know, sleeping.

I think we just don’t... really believe this is the right diet for us. And we actually DO eat relatively healthy (much more than we used to before Whole30). We went down the list:

We almost never eat bread or pasta at home

We almost never order in food

We eat breakfast every day, and it’s usually some variation of the eggs and meat/veggie we’re eating now

We’ve both cut down on our caffeine

We’ve both massively cut down on our sugar (outside of my one vice, Pumpkin Spice Lattes in Nov/Dec)

I eat way less cheese than I used to, and Erik eats way less fast food than he used to

We’re not perfect, but we don’t have any serious dietary reactions to anything we eat, and we’re relatively thin, active people. I just don’t really know what we’re trying to get out of this anymore. It doesn’t really feel like it has a point this year. Last year, we had a goal: finish the Whole30. Prove that we can do it. Now it just feels like a dumb project we’ve finished already.

I feel pretty confident that even if we choose not to continue doing the Whole30, we can still use January as a healthy month (no alcohol, little to no sugar, more veggies, and actual exercise) and get more out of it if we’re not stressed and miserable all the time.

So there you have it. I don’t know what we’re going to do but I can tell you that I’m leaning towards giving up on this. We have enough stress in our lives without a self-imposed diet that seems to be killing both of us slowly. I still super believe in the Whole30 and think it’s worth doing once to learn what works and doesn’t work for your body, but I think what I’ve learned this time around is that rather than doing something extreme like this again, a smarter thing is just to take what you’ve learned and incorporate that into your life in a sustainable way. I’d like to be healthy year round, not just in January.

And Erik would like to eat a pizza.