amadnessofwords

[amadnessofwords]

[amadnessofwords]

21 January, 1926 The Letters of Vita Sackville-West to Virginia Woolf (1924-1941)

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Entry 1: The First Key

January 20, 2025

Not everything you see is real. Not everything real is seen.

That’s the first truth I’ll give you. Call it a key, if you like. A small one—something to slip into your pocket until you’re ready to use it.

I’ve spent centuries walking among you, blending in, playing the part. I’ve seen empires fall, watched revolutions spark, and started fires of my own just to see how far they’d burn. And the funny thing is, most of you don’t even notice when someone like me is standing right in front of you.

I’ve gotten good at hiding. Early thirties, blonde hair, blue eyes. Handsome enough to make you pause, but not enough to make you suspicious. I smile when I should, stay quiet when it’s expected, and most of the time, people don’t look twice. But sometimes they do. Sometimes they can’t help it.

That’s when it gets interesting.

Why am I writing this now? Honestly, I’m not sure. Maybe I’m testing you. Maybe I’m testing myself. Maybe I just want to see if anyone’s paying attention.

You’re not here by accident. People don’t find things like this unless they’re looking for them, even if they don’t realize it yet.

So here’s what I’ll leave you with:

I’ve stood in the rooms where history was decided. I’ve whispered in the ears of kings, brokers, and fools. And every time, I’ve asked myself the same question: What would you do if you had the power to shape the world—and no one knew you were there?

Think about it.

The locks are broken. The truths are loose. What you do with them is your choice.

- S.W.

[amadnessofwords]

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turns out i don't even think another disabled person with autism wants me. which means i was right this whole time. wooo *says it sarcastically.*

Also his family hates me and has been actively trying to get rid of me since July.

they hate the way i handle relationships. Apparently putting your partner first and helping with what i can to the point of making myself exhausted and then asking for help from my partner because i am so exhausted is wrong of me.

i need to be super independent and do everything myself no mater what even with extreme fatigue.

this is where the problem started. it got worse after his parents got into the middle of the relationship.

apparently when they first met me they though they could 'fix me' and help get rid of my 'problems' umm that's not how this works. i didn't ask to be 'fixed' or my ' problems solved'.

I've had MS since i was 19 and i handle it to the best of my ability, my neurologist is happy with how i'm handling it so that should be good enough. but not for them. they want me trying this med or that med and even suggested a diffrent neurologist since mine is starting to retire. they don't think i'm doing a good enough job. they don't like that my diet limits my food and have even suggested that if i went on meds i wouldn't have to have such a restrictive diet and could eat a little bit more unhealthy. like what? excuse me but this is my health were talking about and i have managed to keep it stable for over 10 years without meds which is a miracle. also i never did good on any of the MS meds and that why i don't taken them, like i had really really bad reactions to all of the ones I've tried.

for those wondering my diet is a anti inflammatory diet which consists of. fish, chicken and turkey. lots of fruits and veggies. nuts and seeds. low salt, low sugar, no caffeine. i don't drink (i hate the taste of alcohol anyways). so it's a really healthy diet.

they have commented on how i exercise, i walk for about a hour and a half or two hours everyday. if it's summer i'll swim sometimes. they say it's not real exercise. i have been able to keep my muscles working well and keep in shape. his mom is like you need to sweat in order to have any real exercise.

they have commented on how i look, they don't like that my teeth are a little stained (it's from childhood. to much soda and sugar and not enough brushing) and want me to get veneers. umm hello keep your opinions to yourself on how i look. if you have a problem that's a you problem not a me problem and i'm not going to change just because you don't like it. i'm pretty sure veneers would bother my autism to.

speaking on autism they want me to go to a behavior therapist to work on it when the only problem i have had with it recently has been with them. like i went my entire adult life without problems and now i'm having them because they don't seem to understand boundaries or even how autism works dispite having a son that also has it. they seem to think it's something you can work past and make go away.

unless i'm pushed and pushed or plans changed last minute (i'm really bad with last minute changed plans, it takes awhile to process the change) or super over stimulated it dosn't usually come out. they have done all of these thigs to me and then blame me on my reaction and how i handle them (i sometimes have autistic fits where i rock back and forth or hit myself. they don't happen that often maybe in the last two year 5 times because of being to pushed to far but before that almost never)and tell me to 'work on it' without trying to understand why it's happening.

i'm also super introverted, i can handle people once in awhile, i enjoy events and conventions but then i have to go home and recharge. they were expecting me to go to a lot of social gathering and be okay when i have a low social battery which isn't going to happen. i'm going to end up exhausted and grumpy. and then boyfriend tells me "i used to be super intoverted and i worked really hard to be more extrovered you can do it to" umm i don't want to. and i can''t it's not in my nature to be around people every week without a break. i like my alone time.

they have also told me to not ask my boyfriend for anything and to do it myself if i wanted to go places and told him to ONLY go to the things he wants to do. it don't matter if i want to do something only if he dose, this is for going out as a couple.

so now i only go to places either by myself or with friends. i don't even bother asking him anymore after his parents got upset about him going with me to Knotts Scary Farm, and again asking him if he wants to go to San Francisco with me for my birthday (he dosn't and his parents don't want him going so i'm going with a close friend instead).

honestly i feel like i'm walking on egg shells around his parents and get really panicky if i do anything wrong. i broke out in tears the last two times they said i did something 'wrong'

the first time i was super sick with a cold so i asked him if he could take me to the store for a few items, i asked him when we were alone. i think one of his parents asked where he was going so he told them, i saw the frustation and anger in there faces so i tried fixing the problem by saying i'll just walk even if it'll make me sicker. they didn't like how i worded it so his dad in a very mean almost looking down on someone voice told me not to ask boyfriend to do anything special for me and to do it myself. the way he said it set me off a little so i told him i'm just going to go home. like he said it in such a way that i felt like i didn't deserve to be there, that asking while i was sick is wrong and i had no right to ask boyfriend for anything.

the other one was boyfriend said i could have some chocolate, we had agreed before i could take some from the bottom of the box since the top and bottom were the same and when i went to get one, i was going to ask again just to double check he got upset and told me no and that i shouldn't have taken the other one before when he said i could. i got confused about him going back on his word, his parents were there so i felt like i did something wrong and i ended up crying because of it.

on his end

he's stating to cross boundaries he know i put in place for safety like no sex at my house since i live with my mom and siblings and my mom is super conservative when it comes to sex. if she walks in on that i can be 1 kicked out of the house and 2 slut shamed. two things i don't want. but he keeps trying to break that boundary.

when i'm at his house he never asks what i want to watch or if i say what i want to watch he ignores it and just picks something he thinks i might like. most of the time i don't. i actually hate anime. he wont bother with anything i suggest.

there's more i just can't think of it right now, since i'm tired and it's late

i'm starting to feel just terrible and like i'm just pushed in a corner and walking on eggshells but in a diffrent way then with my ex. there's just a lot of judgment, he and his parents keep trying to change and fix me to what they want and wont listen to what i want and there's no just accepting who i am as a person.

he's recently told me if i don't start changing and working on my autism then he dosn't know if there even a future. who says that?

love is about accepting the other person where they are and helping them though life not finding someone and changing them into what you want.

i've neve judged him ever i just accept who he is as a person. apparently he cant do the same and neither can his parents.

he also said he dosn't know if he can be with someone who dosen't get along with his parents and at this point i doubt anyone is going to get along with his parents there hypocrites, rude and closed minded.

like i have noticed sometime they say something about me but when boyfriend dose the same thing it's okay. like make it make sense.

if this ends i think i'll just stay single focus on myself and my health and traveling. two failed relationships is good enough for me.

i highly doubt that anyone wants a disabled autistic person. what's happening now kinda proves it.

[amadnessofwords]

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Still baffling to me that I made this room in my house. It’s mine. I can just go sit in it whenever. Wild.

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A ghost dwells in my dream, roaming the confines of my being. It whispers in an unknown language, and yet the wound remains: an unspoken truth, untold, unloved, that lingers in my soul forever. Logic crushes me, philosophy denies me, religion casts me out; my dreams are the crusades of my longing, waging battles for a love I cannot name.

I write poems to you, love, to invoke ghosts, to call upon the spectral desire that exists between us, in the silence of unspoken words.

[amadnessofwords]

Under the stars in Chile

__explorenatures

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~°September. A disgusting mix between autumn and summer.°~

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Metro Kino, Vienna, Austria Aleksandra Alba IG: tanzdreamer

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Something buried years ago lies burning still beneath the snow.

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17 January, 1924 Letters to Véra by Vladimir Nabokov

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Kate MccGwire – Lure (2011)

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Adonis, from a poem titled “Unintended Worship,” featured in If Only the Sea Could Sleep

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Fungi and flora~