#anyways ive actually written someone these or have a plan

[tremendum]

okay hear me out…… a javi fic based on the song bad idea by girl in red…..

bad idea

pairing: javier peña x fem!reader

rating: explicit. (18+. mdni.)   word count: 5.7k   requested: yes, based on the song bad idea! by girl in red as above as well as "can we have a javi p x fem!reader fic with a size kink PLLLSSSSS you'll fucking body that!!!" summary:  "bottom line, now you're stuck at this sticky bar, nursing your whiskey ginger because there's only one other person here you know; and he is a bad idea. and he's walking over to you." warnings: probably the worst spanish ever (pls correct me!), tbh this is porn with feelings, established friendship, this ended up pretty fluffy, soft dom!javi, reader has a very loose job description, drinking, smoking, size kink, praise, minor self-doubt/insecurity from both, oral (f!receiving), smut (unprotected PiV), spitting, slight face riding, multiple orgasms. notes: cant BELIEVE this is my first javi fic??? bc ive been loving this request for a while and this finally came to me amidst a fever, ive written it in like just over an hour and a half and refuse to edit it. anyways, desperate Javi is so sexy to i had to throw it in there,,, please lmk if you enjoy it and leave a comment/reblog!! that's how writers are motivated!! :) lmk if you guys want more javi in the future bc hes soooo yummy

masterlist

★  

it's as if the universe is calling on you to make bad decisions tonight. 

you didn't intend on going to the bar and staying until last call - that notion had only just appeared to you around four-forty-five pm, when you were signing what was to likely be only halfway through the documents you had to sort and approve by today's deadline. or maybe it'd slipped into your head when Murphy and Peña strutted into their desks just across from yours in the bullpen, smirks on their faces and their words hushed. 

you'd caught Javier's eye just as he laughed at something Steve muttered, his brows raising tauntingly as he glanced from his empty desk to your cluttered one. his shirt was unbuttoned and tie loosened, much too casual for the work day that'd yet to end; you'd rolled your eyes and resisted the urge for a cigarette. or the urge to climb over those desks and onto his lap right then and there. 

so you'd told yourself as a reward for the overtime you'll be punching in this week, you'll grab a few drinks - maybe, maybe find someone pretty to go home with. it's been a few months since anything delicious came your way, and after your tortuous new reassignment to the west side of the office, you've been forced to stare at Javier Peña for close to forty hours a week while he furrows his brow, churning cigarettes and barking things on the phone. 

it was a bad idea to let yourself find him attractive, and an even worse decision to become friendly - because once it started, it was an downhill sprint towards full-blown feelings. 

he didn't make it easier, with his looks and his comments and how he walked you to your car every evening or invited you to drinks with him, Murphy and Connie every Friday.

Javi was trouble. so, here you were. 

but fate is not on your side - it was simply a bad idea to come to this bar. 

it's not like you didn't expect to see him here, either. Javi always frequents this bar, all DEA agents do - and you'd actually told him and Murphy this time that you'd planned your night around this exact barstool. another poor plan, because now you're stuck staring at Javier's chiseled profile as he smiles at the woman working the bar, sliding his empty glass across to her and running a hand over his jaw. 

yes, you'd all but invited Javi to join you this evening, but you hadn't expected him to come alone - something about Connie and Murphy going to buy flowers on the way home - whatever. bottom line, now you're stuck at this sticky bar, nursing your whiskey ginger and poking at the ice with your cocktail straw because there's only one other person here you know; and he is a bad idea. 

and he's walking over to you.

"what's got you so down, cariño?" his voice is smooth as silk - but something deeper, almost. barrel-aged, probably. you regret the smile that placates your expression when he pulls himself into the stool on your left, turning your body to face him slightly. he's smiling already - that fucking smile, damn him. 

your head feels fuzzy as the smell of his cologne, muddled from the sweat of the day and the drink he'd enjoyed in the hour before deciding to come over to your side of the bar. you sigh, "trying to decide if I can walk home from here." you joke with a shrug, huffing a laugh through your nostrils as you cross your legs together. 

your skirt always used to feel odd against the stools here - the juxtaposition of work attire in a dive like this sticking out like a sore thumb. but you're used to it, now, and it barely phases you that your work shirt is unbuttoned just a bit more than it'd been at work this evening. 

Javi tuts gently, "should've considered that before last call." he mutters, raising his brows as he slides a cigarette between two plush lips, searching around his tight jeans for a light. your lips curl in a half-smile as you flick your own lighter, leaning forward to light it for him; his eyes, dark and swimming.

"guess so, but I've been prone to making bad decisions lately." you sigh, shrugging a shoulder. 

he hums lowly as a puff of smoke plumes around your bodies, gently caressing you. his arms, exposed to the elbow by the carefree sleeve-rolling Javi did the moment he left the embassy, glow golden under the low light. "Leavitt." he mutters in recognition, and something within you blooms and sputters. you nod sheepishly - Leavitt had reamed you in the middle of the bullpen early this morning for incorrectly guessing on some of his paperwork and resulting him in a fine. 

you wish Javi hadn't heard, but- well, it'd been hard not to hear. 

you smile weakly, shrugging as you desperately try to chase the cherry at the bottom of your glass, not sure what to say. your eyes meet his when you finally fish the cherry up and bring it to your lips; the sweet flesh of the fruit breaks open and the juice slides over your lips and onto your tongue as you sigh. 

his eyes follow you just as they've followed your figure around the office for months; dark, unspoken, wanting. screaming something at you, as you lift one brow towards his dark gaze. 

"among other things," you sigh, tongue slipping out to gather the syrupy juice on your bottom lip, "yes." 

Javi shrugs, "fuck him." he mutters it simply, fingers tapping lightly on the wood grain of the bar between you, and you crack a smile, "yeah, fuck him." 

you swallow your last sip before humming, "so where's Murphy? didn't realize this'd be a party of two." 

he tilts his head, "is that such a bad thing?" 

you huff a short laugh, cheeks heating up as he stares down at you, eyes dipping low to the lowest button of your shirt before meeting your gaze. "I never said that, did I Javi?" you smile sweetly, balancing your head on your hand, leaning on your elbow. but you know better; this is a bad thing, you realize. 

because the second Javi leans closer, you catch the woodsy musk and cigarettes that swirl around him, a deep amber scent. you're totally fucked. 

there's something that's been dancing between the two of you for weeks now, too exciting and different and real to acknowledge yet; but now, with three drinks under your belt and his large eyes on you, you don't think you can resist. 

you don't want to. 

but something catches your eye behind his attentive frame, and you try to hide a laugh. "your admirer is staring." you smirk, eyes distracted by the woman tending bar who keeps glancing with a stare at the back of Javi's head.

he doesn't even turn his head, seemingly already knowing who you're talking about. 

he shakes his head, "she's an old friend." he dismisses, eyes not leaving yours. you raise a brow, "friend?" you scoff lightheartedly - you know him, you know his reputation. 

he smiles, "yes, a friend." he insists, though his pink cheeks suggest otherwise, and you laugh. 

"it's been months since I've been with someone." you sigh, almost embarrassed to be admitting that to someone with such... high credentials in that arena. you honestly don't even know why you admitted it.

he doesn't seem phased, but his eyes seem to grow a shade darker as he flickers them back to you. 

"why don't you change that?" he says with almost no hesitation.  

you shake your head, "because I don't have a ride home." you tease, looking at him through your lashes. 

his head tilts towards you microscopically, eyes flickering over your features in a way that has your thighs clenching together. "let's go." he decides, ghost of a grin falling on his lips as he moves to stand. you blink, setting the glass with a clink down on the bar, "you don't have to, Javi, I can-" 

he waves you off with a dismissive hand, shaking his head as if offended, "I'm not leaving you here, cariño." he smiles gently, offering a hand to help you off your stool. something warm turns in your stomach as you take his hand - this is such a bad idea yet you can't help but dive in head-first. 

he insists on walking you to your door. 

you'd think it chivalrous, but with the way his hand falls on the small of your back, you're beginning to think it's anything but. 

he leans against the wall just next to your door as you dig through your purse for your keys, cheeks hot under the scrutiny of his gaze. by the time you slide the key into the lock and open the door, he's standing just a foot away from you, hands in his pockets and an easy look on his face under the flickering fluorescent lights in the hall. you turn back, heart hammering, as he speaks. 

"have a good night, cariño." he says with a gentle smile, about to turn around; you feel your opportunity slip through your fingers like the grains of time as you stutter, "w-wait!" 

he can't hide the smirk as he turns back to you and you bite your lip, tilting your head inside, "Javi..." you murmur softly, embarrassed to even say it.

his brows raise in question, intrigue spreading over his face, but he says nothing.

in your impatience, you flush, sighing. "don't make me say it." you almost whine. 

at your words, he takes a step towards you, your head tilting up to follow his eyes until he's directly in front of you.

there's a playful kind of desire that flickers through his features as he watches you're heaving breaths. his breath hits you warm and inviting as his glistening eyes search yours, "say it." 

your throat dries as you take a breath, "please," you try instead, face heating in embarrassment. he shakes his head, one large hand rising to caress over your jaw, brushing a strand of hair back from your ear.

leaning into your ear, he whispers gently, "you can do better than that, can't you hermosa?" his voice rolls over your body, inciting goosebumps to travel the length of your skin. 

you let out a stuttering breath, your whole body buzzing in anticipation as your eyes roll over the doors of your neighbors, hoping none of them can see the way this man crowds around you right now, how desperate you are as your hand slides over his own forearm. "Javi, I want you," you whisper, biting your lip. 

the groan he lets out sends a rush of heat to your core; arousal slicks your underwear as you feel lips ghost over the junction of your neck and shoulder; "estoy seguro de que sí, niña bonita," he breathes against your hot skin, his hands grabbing your hip and hair, pushing you suddenly against the wall. 

you gasp, a short whimper escaping your throat as his teeth scrape over your pressure point, one hand sliding into his hair, tugging at the thick locks. "fuck," you whimper as he presses fully against you, the pressure of his hardening cock against your stomach, "Javi-" 

you mutter, hands frantically pulling him by the collar of his shirt towards your awaiting, desperate lips- 

he tastes warmer than you'd imagined. like bourbon, some sort of sweet - licorice? - and desire as he licks into your mouth fervently, hand roaming down your sides to splay over your ass. you gasp against his mouth once his large hand squeezes your ass; seizing the opportunity, his teeth bite gently on your bottom lip. he leaves you breathless and dizzy. 

yes, this was - this was a bad idea. 

"look at you, hermosa." he mutters as he pulls away, hand splaying over your cheek and turning your head slightly, his eyes coursing over your aching body, searching his friction. something flickers in his eyes as he watches your hips move desperately, his hands squeezing over your waist, "so pretty." 

you flush at his words, the adoration lacing his face as he takes in your mussed hair, stuttering chest. 

"inside-" you start to suggest, breathless with desire, and he nods eagerly, "yes-" and then you're stumbling inside your apartment, a rush of cologne hitting your nose pleasantly as he crowds behind you, hands on your back, sliding low until he's squeezing your ass and groaning into your ear, "drive me fuckin' crazy with these skirts, baby." 

you let out a moan when he's pushed you back against the wall, hands pulling to untuck your blouse from your skirt, lips trailing marks up and down the column of your neck. you scramble to help him undo your top, but he get's too impatient- 

the buttons pop and clatter onto the ground as he rips the blouse open, exposing your lacy white bra; your eyes round as you gasp, "Peña!" you snap, swatting him on his shoulder as he laughs sheepishly, staring at his own mess then back to you.

"I'm sorry." he utters, trying desperately to conceal his smirk as you glare at him, trying to calm your thundering heart because Javier Peña wanted you so bad he just ripped open your blouse. 

he sighs, pulling at your hips until you give in, melting against him, "I'm sorry, cariño, I'll buy you another." he sounds a little more sincere this time as his lips press against your neck again and you help him shuck off the shell of what remains; his hands mould against your breasts instantly, thumb brushing against the bud that peeks through the lace, hardened in arousal. "you're so pretty, baby, it hurts." he mutters, cheeks tinted as he leans in to kiss you again, a warm feeling coursing through you as he slowly undoes your bra. he's always been so dramatic. 

you smile to yourself as you watch him lean down, placing kisses down your chest. 

your stomach coils in desire as he hitches one of your thighs up against his hip, hand sliding down to the strap of your heels; you silently thank yourself for wearing your decent heels - sexy, but professional. his eyes eat you as his fingers slowly undo the buckle on the heel, dropping it to the floor while staring into your eyes.

your heart hammers as he drops your leg in favor of the other, slowly dragging his fingers down your legs to unclasp the other; as you fall down to your true height, he has to stoop over you to catch your lips to his, your teeth scraping as he groans into your lips. your hands hungrily shove his suit jacket off his broad shoulders, tongue pressing against his as he pushes you hard back against the wall. 

you moan gently as he grabs your thigh and hitches it once again against his hip, pressing his length up against your core; the friction is delicious against your aching clit, dull but stimulating. you try to cover it up, "you better buy me two blouses, Javi." you joke. he smirks into your mouth, hand sliding below your skirt to toy with the ends of your stockings.

biting down on your throat as he snaps the stocking against the plush skin of your thighs, he groans, "fuck it- I'll buy you anything you want, just let me taste this pussy." he adds, voice low as he reaches around, fumbling with the zipper on your skirt. 

oh, god.

you help him with frantic hands; soon he's down on his knees, hands sliding up your thighs, clad in your stockings and panties, his breath hitting your heat gently. 

one hand rises up your abdomen to toy with your breast, pinching and rolling your nipple as he hums. you sigh shakily as you stare at him, body electric with arousal.

his eyes are blown wide as he stares up at you, tie loose, shirt unbuttoned and disheveled, hair mussed up from your fingers - the picture of an angel. your heart nearly stops as he leans forward, eyes still on you, and kisses just below your navel. 

your heart pounds as you stand on shaky legs, watching with anticipation as Javi teases you, kissing just around where you want him: your thighs, down to your knees, back up- your waistline - as his lips flutter onto your skin, you have to close your eyes, trying to find your breath because your mouth is screaming at you to say something that could ruin this all.

(yeah, this was a bad idea). 

but he slowly pulls at the edges of your underwear, you're aware of how hot everything is: you're sweaty, in need of a shower eventually. biting your lip, you mutter, "should- do you want me to shower, first? it was so hot out today-" 

any self-doubts that had crossed your mind are thrown out your open window into the night's warm breeze when Javier looks up at you with a face almost offended; as if it were absurd to ask. his hands close possessively over the backs of your thighs as he growls. 

he shakes his head, hands tightening on you so you stay against the wall, "you're not going anywhere. I've been dreaming of this pussy for ages. I'd live here between your legs, hermosa." he mutters, pressing his nose up against your panties, moaning at the damp seat, "so sé buena para mi y deja que te pruebe, si?" 

swallowing dry as your face heats, you nod, fingers brushing hair from his eyes. "si, Javi." 

he nods, "good." 

his thumb rises to prod gently at your pussy, sliding over the damp fabric as you gasp sharply. he lets out a low hum just as his thumb slides to hook your panties to the side, revealing your glistening, aching cunt for him. you watch with a slack jaw as his tongue darts out; a bold, flat stripe up your heat sends shivers through your body, your throat letting out a quick gasp at the desire that rocks through your body. 

"fuck, princesa, you taste so good." he groans, a desperation laced into his voice that you've never heard from him; one more lick spreading your arousal before he's swirling his tongue around your clit, holding your hips down hard into the wall to ensure you can't move away as he groans into you. 

"feels so good, Javi-" you whimper, face hot as he hums, face moving between your thighs as you stand on shaky legs. "what was that?" he teases, biting your thigh softly. you yelp, hands falling to grip his hair, your head falling back against the wall. "sh-shut up," you breathe, grinning with hot cheeks as he chuckles against your heat. 

but then he pulls your panties down your legs, tossing them behind him before he settles back between your thighs; suddenly one of his thumbs is spreading you open more, forcing your legs to spread just slightly, and he's spitting onto your wet heat.

your toes curl in pleasure as you gasp, one hand grasping your breast, thumbing your nipple. your stomach clenches as he leans back into you and works, tongue spreading over your cunt and gathering your arousal from your aching entrance before pulling your clit into his mouth, grazing it with his teeth and sending shocks through you. 

he groans when you tug on his hair; the vibrations from his throat sending a thrill up your spine and you can't help as your hips buck forward, smothering Javi's face and nudging your clit against the ridge of his nose. 

"s-sorry," you mutter, face flushing as he pulls back and stares at you hungrily; he shakes his head, "fuck, do it again." he orders, lips falling back onto you, tongue coursing through your soaked cunt as you buck your hips, the feeling of your clit against the bridge of his nose pulling a sharp gasp from you. 

your words fail you as Javi squeezes your ass, slapping you harshly and causing you to yelp. your hips don't cease their movements; riding his face, the nudge of his nose on your bundle of nerves hurtles you towards the edge of your orgasm, and you start to moan his name louder and louder. 

his mouth works to wind you up, your legs twitching and hands grasping at yourself and at his shoulders, his hair. he eats you up like he's been starved for months, his mouth only leaving you to mutter words into your dripping pussy. it's mere minutes before you're writhing against the wall and Javi leans back, "I can feel you're close, hermosa," he breathes, thumb replacing his tongue as he speaks. your thighs start to close but he holds them open, blinking those large eyes up at you, "need to feel you cum on my tongue, baby. cum." he sounds more desperate than you've imagined even in your wildest of dreams and you nod, your stomach burning with the clench of nearing your orgasm. 

you hit your high merely seconds after his mouth falls back onto you - your fingers in his hair, his name from your lips, chest heaving and back arching off the wall. he moans heavy into you as he laps you up, drinking you in and coaxing you through your orgasm with gentle hands and a silver tongue. 

you're left breathless when he stands back up, your legs as weak as jelly as his hand pulls your jaw forward and into him.

your lips meet his in a sticky, passionate kiss; you can taste yourself on his tongue as you pull his hips against yours, his cock straining through his pants. 

"do you need a minute-" he pulls back to ask as your hands slowly slither down to fumble with his belt; your heart thrums as your body rides the high of your orgasm, but all you want is more, more. 

you don't think you'll ever stop wanting more of Javier Peña. 

this was a really bad idea. 

"-I can get you water-" he tries to offer and your heart thumps at how kind he is, so attentive and caring - but you shake your head, nipping at his lips as you push him backwards, further into the apartment, "no- need you now, Javi, please." you mutter, "water after." you insist, unable to fight the smile that grows as he chuckles against your lips. 

"okay, señorita, whatever you say." he whispers, leaning slightly until he's picked you up and you wrap your legs around his hips, bare, sensitive cunt against the rough denim of his jeans. "but I don't want to hear any complaining, now." he teases, eyes sharp and shining with a playfulness that has you smirking. 

"then you better give me what I want." you counter as he stumbles his way through the threshold of your bedroom, hand coming to the back of your head to make sure he doesn't bump you against the frame. 

"I'll give you anything if you ask nicely." he whispers into your ear, biting your earlobe as you both tumble down onto your mattress, desperately clawing at his shirt and tugging his jeans off until he's splayed above you, arms caging you in as your stocking-clad legs wrap around his naked hips. 

he pushes up, leaning back so he's got his cock in his hand, pumping slowly as he stares at your bare body, splayed out for him. his eyes look ravenous; slowly, he lets his cock rub up your slit, gathering all of your arousal and juices as he rolls his hips.

you hitch your breath, both of your sighs heavenly as they flow through the evening air. there's sweat sheened over his built chest and your fingers slide over his toned arms, lifting yourself slightly so you can look- 

oh, fuck. 

your eyes almost roll back at the sight of his swollen cock, thick and large and lying against the short hairs that curl just above your pussy; he's so big, splayed on your stomach - he's going to be so deep.

your eyes widen as you wonder briefly how he'll fit but then he's humming, "ready, princesa?" 

you nod desperately, clawing at him until he's caged you once again, the tip of him prodding your entrance gently. "yes, Javi. fuck me, please." 

he hums, "dirty mouth," he mutters, "for such a sweet girl." he kisses you just so, his hand brushing hair away from your forehead as he teases you. 

you’re breathless; shivers cascade down your spine at the press of him, slowly breaching your hole and grinding sloooow and smooth into your dripping cunt, aching with desire.

he can’t slide into you, not fully- his cock is too thick, your cunt dripping but still so goddamn tight. the moan he lets out as he inches in slowly is fucking heavenly. "fuck, cariño, you weren't lying-" he mutters, almost shaking with restraint as he slowly eases himself into your tight walls, "-shit, so tight."

you grip his shoulder tight, "t-told you- it's been months," you gasp and he smirks, "thought that was just a line to get me back to your place," he mutters.

as he stills himself, nostrils flaring with focus, you lay a hand over his cheek - his eyes meet yours, something deep and truthful hidden in them. your eyes scream back at him. 

oh, you're fucked for him. this may have been a horrible idea. 

"well maybe I was just waiting for the right person," you speak before you can think- he freezes, you can feel his muscles tense. your mind reels. fuck, you hadn't even talked about what this was between the two of you- a quick fuck, stress relief, or something more- you're fucked. 

but he smiles, suddenly, groaning through squeezed eyes as he shakes his head, "you're going to kill me, cariño." he mutters, one hand falling to your hip, "you're so fucking cute." 

your stomach rolls with butterflies at his words and you hide your face. he has none of that, though, and peels one hand from your face and kisses you sweetly.

the kiss heats quickly as you slide your tongue against his; a strangled gasp leaves your lips when he starts to slide into you more, inch-by-inch, stretching you open and filling you full of him. his head falls heavy against your chest as he mutters, “you're tight, baby, so fucking perfect.”

his voice is starting to slur in pleasure as he soon slides into you fully, sheathed deep. you flutter around him as you accommodate to his size, the feeling of him nearly melting you as he starts to slowly thrust. his hips roll and grind against your clit; you gasp, nails raking down his bare back and pulling a moan from his lips. 

you let out a loud moan, his thickness stretching you and sliding deeper than expected, the tip of his cock kissing against a spot that has you keening. your toes curl and your head falls back as he grinds into you slow, deep.

it's a feeling you've never felt before; you knew Javi had a... reputation, all the women talk about it at your girl's nights and at the water cooler. but you never imagined such bliss as his hands roam you, palming your tits, his lips tracing shapes of affirmation all over your face, chest, hairline.

his voice slips between english and spanish as he purrs praise after praise in your ear- dreamed of you for ages, baby... just like that, yes, take my cock... querida, so good for me...

all you can say is his name; it falls from your lips like it’s the only word you know, his hips soon pistoning into you with fervor, chasing the feeling which coils again in your abdomen. 

suddenly he's grabbing at your hips, lifting you slightly as his legs slide under you and you're flipped up, straddling him, sitting on his cock as your legs wrap around his back.

you feel one of his own sturdy thighs prop up behind you as he lets you gather your breath; a whimper of his name has him nipping at your bottom lip. 

"shh, querida I know, feels so deep, doesn't it?" he mutters, kissing your lips as you slowly start to rock your hips, bouncing slightly as Javier's hands roam up your spine, one squeezing your ass as the other tugs your hair. 

"fuck," you moan, "you're so big, Javi-" he groans at your words, his own hips thrusting upwards and hitting a spot inside you that has you screaming; he leans back, staring up at you as you stare down at him with lust-filled eyes. his hand falls to lay against your stomach and your eyes follow his, where you can see the slight movements of him deep inside you- 

christ. 

you moan at the sight, the thought - he's so big all the way inside you - he's tugging you closer to him, until you're chest to chest, lips pressing hard against the other. 

the sounds of you and Javi's bodies together echo through your apartment; your head lulls to the ceiling as you let out a languid moan, the spot he's hitting making your eyes roll back. you can feel your cheeks hot and heavy as you whimper in desire; you're so goddamn close again, you know he can feel it. 

"shit-" he groans, "y'close?" he mutters and you nod frantically, the pleasure coiling dangerously fast. 

"been months, hermosa?" he groans into your ear as he meets you halfway with his thrusts, your breath punched from you with every kiss to your g-spot, "this what you wanted, hm? this feel good?" 

he’s always had you wrapped around his finger, and he fucking knows it. 

you sigh in ecstasy, unable to form full sentences as he hits the delicious spot inside you that nearly makes you pass out: "yes, J-Javi- so good, so good-"  your hands hold him as close as possible, his warm chest against yours.

the crest of your orgasm tingles your thighs, your toes curling and legs shaking as you start to stutter; he moans heavy- he's close, too. his thrusts are getting slower, sloppier. his movements are soon desperate and deep as yours are; his tip kisses your cervix and your body jolts up with each movement of his pubic bone against yours.

"you're perfect- fuck, need you to cum, baby-" he starts, desperate as one hand holds your neck, the other on your ass, tight enough to leave marks. "cum on my cock, hazlo ahora mismo mi amor, please-" 

he's rushing, desperate as you moan, his words throttling you hard towards the edge. 

you see colors when you hit your high. your orgasm explodes as you flutter around him, pulsing, moaning, your body shuddering as you slow your movements on his lap, unraveling around his touch. your voice is broken, mutters and whimpers of his name drifting through the room.

your thighs are soaked with your own spend and your cunt grips him like a vice; he can't help but kiss your open mouth as he milks you through your orgasm, muttering soft grunts in your ear. "that's it, baby. there y'go, so pretty, querida." he kisses the column of your throat as his thrusts slow to deep, long thrusts. "atta girl." 

his slow thrusts are splintered by his voice, "sh-shit, 'm gonna cum." he sounds almost desperate, his body so close to yours it's almost like he's trying to smother you. he groans your name in a broken sound; his grip tugging your hair. as he lifts you slightly, pulling out just in time for him to paint you with his cum. 

his seed covers your lower stomach, his groans deep and breaths quick as he moans, brows furrowed. your heart slams at the sight; Javi, pushing you down onto the mattress as he pumps his release onto your chest. 

his head tilts back, a look of complete bliss on his face, brows tight as his abdomen muscles tense and flex. his arms, toned in the soft light of your bedroom, glow. christ.

okay, not a bad idea. a fucking dream.

he slumps onto you after a second, moving so that he doesn't crush your chest, pulling you tight against his own hot skin. you feel his smile grow against your neck and the butterflies that grow in your chest swirl out of control. 

you smile, too.

you catch your breaths in silence while he places kisses sweetly over the marks he made earlier, your hand smoothing down his back, to the curve of his ass, and back up. 

once his breath is back, he kisses your cheek and stands, stretching his bare body, unashamed of the open window across the room.

you smile, face hot as he smirks at you, his eyes raking over the cum that paints your skin, before walking towards the kitchen. you sigh, lighting a cigarette that you dig from his jeans as he comes back into the room to wipe you clean, handing you a glass of water. 

you smile at that, shaking your head as you hold the cigarette up to his lips, watching as the ember lights up the dark of his mustache and the light in his eyes. there's smile lines around those eyes; it makes your stomach flip.

once you've both drained the glass of water, he pulls you back down to his chest, relaxing against the mattress. 

"well, that was probably the worst decision you made all day, hermosa."

his voice is teasing, but there's a flicker of doubt that crosses his eyes that you know all too well. your heart flips as you shake your head gently, hands cupping his cheeks. 

"this was the best idea I've had in weeks, Javi." you smile softly, pecking his lips gently. 

when you pull away, his smile is so soft you almost want to photograph it. something in the air is sweet when the two of you silently realize that he's going to stay the night; he pulls you up into his chest, kissing your hair while you listen to his racing heart.

he doesn't say anything after that - he doesn't have to. 

.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·..·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·..·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:

taglist and requests for javi are open.

.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·..·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·..·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:

[frownyalfred]

Hey howdy! I'm working on a project about superhero omegaverse statistics and wondering how you designate someone an alpha vs omega, etc. In your fics you have a wide range of characters' dynamics and interactions with their secondary genders. It is very cool!

Some prompts: How influenced are you by who you're planning to pair them with, vs their individual attributes? Would you say a character's visual appearance/suit affects how you perceive them? What is the defining trait you look to when figuring out whether someone will be an alpha? How does masculinity vs femininity play a role in your choices? What do you like best about the omegaverse?

Anyway, I'd love to hear your thoughts, but no pressure to reply if you don't want to! Ive attached two graphs here for some context: one looking at Bruce's categorization, and the other looking at the link between suit colours & masculinity & secondary genders.

What a fascinating project!! Thank you for asking me.

How influenced are you by who you're planning to pair them with, vs their individual attributes? Generally I choose the dynamic from attributes and write the pairings from there. The obvious exception is superbat, which is an interesting one for me. I love writing almost exclusive Omega!Bruce/Alpha!Clark but I actually read a ton of Alpha/Alpha superbat, as well as Omega!Clark.

For example, Lex in ASOH was always an omega in my mind, regardless of any plans to pair him off at a later date. I've found that both Clark and Bruce share attributes that make them both interesting and complicated alphas or omegas. A lot of them are tied up in their perceptions of themselves, as well as the public's perception of their identities/secret identities. I will say that Bruce's public Brucie persona and his Batman persona lend themselves very well to the duality of what the public assumes omegas are, versus what omegas want to be -- or can be. I also think his bonds with family/pack lose a bit of complexity when they're reduced to him being a possessive or strict alpha over a pack.

Would you say a character's visual appearance/suit affects how you perceive them? Sometimes! I think the tendency to slap an alpha label on all big, bulky guys is funny, because in ASOH I've been doing almost entirely the opposite -- all of the big bulky guys (except Clark) are omegas! I like flipping those long-standing fic tropes on their heads.

But yes, I am no exception to this trend either. I think the more interesting question is, is this trend exclusive to alpha/omega dynamics? Or do we also classify betas this way too? Dick is a beta in several batfam fics I've read -- is this just because he's a little smaller/slimmer than Jason, etc? Or is it because of characteristics he holds that we attribute to betas (calm, reassuring, playing peacekeeper, etc)?

What is the defining trait you look to when figuring out whether someone will be an alpha? I'm not sure there's just one. I think most characters can be written convincingly as different kinds of alphas. But generally, presence is one trait that comes to mind -- when they want to. if they want to -- are they able to take up a room with sheer aura alone? Do people look to them for advice and direction? Are they self-confident and strongly-motivated? Do you want to bop them on the head every now and then because they're being a little ridiculous?

How does masculinity vs femininity play a role in your choices? There's been a lot of dialogue in fandom and fanon about the feminization of certain characters in pairings because of/related to omegaverse. I try my best to challenge those longstanding trends or biases when I see them pop up in my work. One example of this is use of gender neutral words for omegas who are having pups -- I started using "carrier" instead of "mom/mama" because I think allowing male omegas to retain their masculinity in pregnancy is important (if desired). Otherwise we reduce child carrying to something inherently feminine, which, especially in the omegaverse, is simply untrue.

What do you like best about the omegaverse? It's a great way to challenge ideas about gender in new and interesting scenarios. With the inclusion of instincts and heats/ruts, there's also a lot of forced proximity and decisions made under shades of duress. There's a lot of space there to explore sexuality and the socialization of genders IRL and in universe. How much of what we do truly is instinctual or biological? How much of it is simply how we were raised/raise our own children? Is reproduction truly the end all be all of a person? What happens when we buck society's expectations and forge our own path forward? How can we better foster non-sexual relationships and bonds between family and friends?

[bebop-station]

Shostakovich and Aziraphale

I was thinking (and talking to @balance-of-probability endlessly) about the choice to have Shostakovich's fifth symphony feature so heavily in S2 ep 1, and how it struck me as a little odd as there are a bunch of composers Aziraphale loves mentioned in the book and Shostakovich isn't amongst them.

Backstory: In 1934, Shostakovich’s opera Lady Macbeth of Mtensk premiered to huge popular acclaim, which was very briskly walked back in 1936 after the Stalinist newspaper Pravda published an article denouncing it.

Actually more than denouncing it, condemning it. It wasn’t credited but was authored by a guy called David Zaslavsky who was almost definitely scribing for Stalin himself. Lady Macbeth was banned in the USSR until 1961.

Anyway by 1936 Shostakovich had written his fourth symphony, which he withdrew from public performance until 1961 because it was more of the same thing that had made the Soviet leadership cancel Lady Macbeth – it was unconventional, anti-patriotic, and indicated that Shostakovich was a “bourgeois formalist”.

So he shelved it and started working on Symphony No. 5 which is, on the surface at least, Soviet as fuck. And that’s what we hear Aziraphale listening to in S2E1.

(Sidebar this story is told in Julian Barnes’ The Noise of Time which is either a literary wank soup or a masterpiece depending on how cranky you are when you first read it)

So basically what Dmitri Shostakovich did in those years between the fourth and fifth symphonies was something that might be familiar to S2E6 enjoyers/agonisers: he decided to toe the party line.

Kind of.

Listening to the finale of the fifth symphony (and if you want to listen along it’s the recording of Leonard Bernstein conducting the New York Philharmonic, it’ll be called something like Symphony No. 5 in D minor, Op. 47; iv. Allegro non troppo) without the context of the rest of the symphony or in fact Shostakovich’s life is like ah yes that’s a bit of a Soviet battle anthem let’s march into Leningrad or whatever.

But it is, as critics have increasingly understood in the years since Shostakovich demurely described it as “a Soviet artist's no-nonsense response to fair criticism”, dripping with irony. This man reviled the Stalinist line on art and life – he takes the Soviet anthem and turns it into a sort of fucked up evil clown march. The whole thing gives me this vibe:

(gif from @goodomensedit)

There’s a lot of stuff about that time in Shostakovich’s life that is extremely hard to verify. There’s a “memoir” which is for sure at least partially fabricated called Testimony in which there’s an alleged quote from our man saying that final movement is a parody, that “it's as if someone were beating you with a stick and saying, "Your business is rejoicing, your business is rejoicing", and you rise, shaky, and go marching off, muttering, "Our business is rejoicing, our business is rejoicing"."

Whether or not Shostakovich said that (some of his friends who outlived him support that reading, including Rostropovich who conducted a bunch of his work) you can definitely hear it in the piece and you can definitely see how it gives us a clue into the decision Aziraphale makes at the end of the season.

What Shostakovich had to decide back in the 1930s was whether he would a) flee to somewhere like the US, where many other artists targeted by Stalin went; b) stay and become a public nuisance, leading almost definitely to an off-the-books execution; or c) become a party-approved Soviet Artist and hope for change. Even nudge it along in a subtle way. Even get on the inside and work to bring it down. We don’t know how true that was for old mate Dmitri and we don’t yet know exactly what Aziraphale has planned. But yeah:

tl;dr: Shostakovich 🤝 Aziraphale

          Staying inside a rancid and destructive militarised culture in the hope that it can change

[musicoftheheart]

Number 10 please!! I'm a huge Avatar:TLA fan and would be really interested to see which marauders character you'd assign where 👀

hi!

so this is still very much in the planning phase, however i do have a vague idea of characters’ roles in the plot and story. its been changing a bit as ive been rewatching the original show and taking notes but as it stands:

it will be endgame jegulus and wolfstar :)

regulus and sirius are from the southern water tribe. its been difficult deciding which of them can bend, but right now ive settled with regulus being a water bender, and sirius a nonbender. ofc the personalities of sokka and katara are switched in this case

james is aang, the optimistic and kindhearted avatar, who just so happened to disappear right at the start of a hundred-year war. this was the plan from the start tbh; i couldnt imagine anything else

remus, ive decided, is toph. blind and forever underestimated by his parents, remus competes in underground earth bending tournaments and always comes out on top. when a trio of reckless, idiotic, stupid boys (barring regulus, to an extent. he seemed to be the only one amongst them with a brain cell) offers him a journey of a lifetime, remus takes it, despite his hesitance at first

the roles of zuko and azula were hard to fill, at first. originally, these were going to be sirius and regulus, but obviously that’s changed. instead, im considering narcissa and bellatrix respectively. there’s a reason andromeda is not included in this bit, and i have an explanation as to why the black sisters are fire nation royalty, while the black brothers are in the water tribe, however that will have to wait for the fic

iroh, i think, would have been minnie or alphard, in the original plan. however, since the black brothers are not the fire nation royals, minnie is out and im not entirely set on someone else. alphard is still in the running, but ive not made any decisions there yet.

as for where peter comes in, i actually considered him in the role of jet. y’know, traitor? especially using regulus (as katara) to join the merry band of death eaters who only want to do what’s right against the fire nation, of course. even if some people have to die. again though, im not 100% set on this, and im still doing my rewatch so i might end up finding a more fitting role for him.

a little fun note though: i almost had remus as yueh (idk how to spell her name - the princess in the northern water tribe). i thought it would be funny having remus turn into the moon, but i want endgame wolfstar so unfortunately that had to be thrown out.

one of the valkyries would definitely be suki (tsuki? im sorry im bad at names), but i cant decide which of them i want there, and who i want to use for other roles. anyway, suki would be either mary, lily, or marlene

there are other side characters i have definite decisions over, but those will have to wait for the fic :)

as of right now its still unnamed, and i dont have a timeline for when it’ll be written or released, but it exists!

[syrikif]

Gamer Etiquette

Kodzuken x Streamer!Y/N

Pairing: Kenma Kozume x Fem!Reader

Genre: SMAU, Written Elements, Strangers to Lovers, Romance, Fluff, Humor, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Streamer/Youtuber AU

Upcoming content creator/streamer, Y/N, has gone viral for lots of things. Her infamous dumb moments, her blended cookie recipe (which tastes better than it sounds), the way she rages at her friends during games, and about a hundred more.

But her most recent viral moment? Accidentally knocking famous streamer, Kodzuken, off the Bedwars map and making him lose his two year winning streak.

Now with more attention (and hate) than she ever asked for, her only option left is to go to the source: the man himself, Kenma Kozume.

Previous | Masterlist | Next

Chapter 2 (a): Bedwars

Word Count: 2171

“Hey guys,” you smile at your webcam, “How’s everyone’s night been so far?” You adjust to get just a bit more comfortable, wrapping your favorite blanket around your legs as you observe their responses in chat. 

“Oh my god you had sushi for dinner? That sounds so good.” You lean forward to get a closer look, “Awe thank you. I tried so hard to do my makeup today,” you inform everyone when you see a compliment fly past. “It took me like four business days to finish my eyeliner,” you roll your eyes at the memory. 

You start humming softly as you read through chat, prompting everyone to start spamming for music and making you smile. “Okay okay, I get it guys I’ll put some music on.” 

You pull open Spotify, selecting one of your favorite non-copyrighted playlists, “Is that loud enough? Oh- too loud?” You turn it down by about twenty percent, “Is that better?”

You grin, letting yourself relax against the back of your chair. “I don’t really have a plan for the stream; I just wanted to kind of chat for a little bit, explain why I was in the hospital and stuff.” 

YOU WERE IN THE HOSPITAL????

You laugh when you see the message, realizing too late that you’d probably just dropped a bomb on everyone who doesn’t follow you on any of your other social media. “Oh yeah, sorry guys.” You suddenly snort, “Did someone just say I was in hospice for being dumb?” 

You shake your head subconsciously, “Even funnier though is that they’re kind of right.” 

You reach forward to grab the bottle of water resting on your desk, “Don’t worry it’s not anything serious. Like at all.” You pause to take a brief sip of the iced liquid, cringing at how cold it is when it enters your mouth. “Holy shit,” you shudder, “That was so fucking cold.” 

You take a deep breath to regain your composure.

“Anyways, so basically I fell and hit my head yesterday and my friends just wanted to take me to the hospital to make sure I didn’t get a concussion or anything. And then it turned out that I was actually - like - super dehydrated so they wanted to give me an IV drip to get some fluids in me.” You lift your water bottle pointedly, “Hence the new addition to the stream.” 

Normally you’d rarely ever have water during a stream, and if you did it was kept in a much smaller bottle. It’s different now though (your roommate made sure of that) since your current water bottle is big enough to cover your entire face if you were to hold it up. 

“But now I am a-okay and in perfect condition. Well, mostly anyways.” 

You spend some time just singing along to the music and responding to some of the messages you see in chat. You feel yourself relaxing as you talk with everyone, your tense shoulders loosening and your voice growing just a bit louder as you get more comfortable. 

You’re always nervous to stream at first, despite having done it hundreds of times by now. You don’t think you’ll ever not be nervous to be completely honest. It was such a surreal experience, to be able to be so closely connected with so many different people from so many different places, that you were terrified of ever losing it. 

“Oh my god you guys. So I made some pumpkin muffins with chocolate chips in them the other day and they are literally like the best thing I’ve probably ever baked in my life.” 

Better than your blended cookies?

You roll your eyes, “Oh ha ha; you guys act like you’ve tried it. I promise you all that it’s literally ten times better than it sounds. I’ll have to post the recipe at some point because I genuinely think a lot of you would love them.” 

I can attest to that ✋

“Sho,” you excitedly exclaim as you see your friend’s username. “You guys know Shoyo right?” You feel your head tilt, watching the varying responses flood your chat box. “Well if you don’t know who he is, he’s literally - like - famous for playing volleyball.” 

I love Hinata! I met him once and he was so nice.

You nod rapidly in agreement, “Yes! He’s seriously gotta be the nicest person I’ve ever met.” 

“Do you want to get on call with me?” You direct the question towards your close friend, subconsciously biting your lip as you await his answer. 

Still at practice unfortunately 🙁

You pout, “Oh no.” With a small sigh, “I just don’t know what to do now. You got any suggestions, chat?”

You read as many messages as you can, eyebrows furrowing further the longer you sit there. 

“I’m seeing a lot of minecraft; do we wanna play a bit of minecraft?” You hum in thought, swaying in your chair as you consider the idea. “How about Bedwars?”

Chat practically erupts at your words, capitalized letters and emotes flying by so fast that you don’t get any chance to read a single one. “Okay okay,” you laugh, “I get it.” 

You set your water bottle back down, adjusting your keyboard to sit properly before grabbing your mouse. “Let’s play some Bedwars I guess.” 

~~~

“Fuck you!” 

You groan as you release your mouse, throwing your head back in annoyance as you die yet once again. 

“How the fuck do I keep on dying? Literally what the fuck!” You chance a glance at your chat, hiding a smile at their reaction to your raging. You’ll admit it, while you are actually frustrated with the game, you’re definitely playing it up just a little bit for your audience. 

You don’t wait for the round to end after you die, leaving the game and immediately running to join another one. You’ve been playing in teams of three, hoping that having the extra assistance would help you stay alive longer. 

So far it’s proved to be completely futile. 

“We’re definitely gonna win this one you guys,” you say just as the round begins. “Me-,” you pause to look at your teammate’s usernames, “PinkyFluff_22 and Kodzuken are going to absolutely demolish everyone else.” 

What did she just sayyyyyyy 😳

I’m sorry you and WHO????

No way she’s playing with who I think she’s playing with

One in a million chance lol

Wtf

“What is everyone freaking out about?” You question as you patiently wait to collect some iron and gold, watching one of your teammates begin to cover the bed with a measly defense of red wool. “Kodzuken?”

You buy some wood and Endstone from the villager before purchasing a slightly better sword than the wooden one you were given. “Oh they stream?”

Girl 💀

How do you not know who he is?????

“Bro I don’t know,” you shrug, “I just work here okay.” 

You sprint over to the bed, breaking the wool to replace it with the Endstone, layering the wood on top, and then finally placing the wool around it again. “I guess I’ll be bed defense then,” you say as you notice that you’re the only person left on the island. 

“Oh shit someone’s coming!” You duck behind the giant cube of wool, watching the name tag get progressively closer to your island. You jump out as soon as you feel like they’re close enough, attacking the unaware oncomer and knocking them off the island within a few easy hits. 

“Fuck yeah!” You jump around excitedly, proud of the way your plan was actually successful this time. “See that? I told you I’m not bad!” 

You abruptly flinch as your character turns and comes face to face with another player. “Holy shit!” You release a sigh of relief as you realize it’s only your teammate, Kodzuken. “That scared me so bad. Oh my god,” you release your mouse briefly to place your hand on your chest. 

While you’re distracted trying to calm your heartbeat, Kodzuken suddenly stops before you. “What is he doing?” But before you even have time to be suspicious he suddenly drops a pile of diamonds and emeralds on the ground. 

You blink.

“Huh?” He looks pointedly at the gems then back up at you and back down, lightly tapping the block they’re floating on. “Is he giving them to me?” 

You glance over at your chat, your character finally going into motion when you realize they’re all screaming at you to go pick them up. “Jesus, sorry. I got them, see? Look, I’m picking them up right now.” 

You collect everything on the ground, crouching and un-crouching multiple times as a way to thank him. “Oh- shit,” you pause as a popup suddenly appears, “Stupid sticky keys!” 

By the time you manage to exit out of the window, Kodzuken is nowhere to be found. “Well,” you look at your webcam, “That was unexpected.” 

You quickly open game chat to send him a private message as fast as you possibly can. 

“Thanks :)”

It’s the best you can do with the little time you have but you hope he appreciates it nonetheless. 

“Okay, I’m gonna up our bed defense.” You repeat the earlier process all over again, only this time you add obsidian and make the outer layer made of wood. “Now that’s like literally impenetrable.” 

You upgrade your sword to a bow and arrows before purchasing some TNT and fireballs and buying the Miner’s Fatigue trap. “Now the real question is whether I try to attack the bases next to us or not.” 

Attackkkkkk

You’re gonna die

Kill them

We believe in you

“I guess it’s decided then,” you quickly shake out your hands. “Okay,” your voice fades as you run across the bridge you could only assume one of your teammate’s made. 

You’re extremely quiet as you make your way across, keeping your eyes on the island next to you and turning back every now and then to check on your own. You’re biting your lip as you slowly make your way across the rival team’s bridge, crouching the entire time to hide your name. 

You’re roughly twenty blocks away when you take the next step. Still crouching, you aim a fireball at their seemingly wool covered bed. “Yes!” You cheer as it makes its mark, blowing up the wool and revealing wood below it. 

You know that you’ve alerted the players at this point (there’s no way you haven’t) so all you can do is run into the fire. 

You’re panicking as you place some TNT around the bed, running away and into a player from the enemy team as it explodes. You use your mediocre sword to hit them away from you, mentally sighing as they get hit back enough for you to run away. “Oh my god oh my god oh my god,” you sprint towards the now revealed blue bed. 

“Blue Bed was destroyed by Soft_Paws!”

You squeal out of both fear and excitement, adrenaline racing through you as you’re attacked by two of the blue players at once. You throw a fireball at them, shouting for joy when one of them is successfully knocked off the island. 

“Holy shit!”

The next player is harder to kill, your health rapidly deteriorating as you battle with nothing but a stone sword and your adrenaline. 

You have one heart left when it finally happens.

“Ecstasy.png was killed by Soft_Paws”

“Yes!” You kick your feet out, jumping up from your chair with your excitement before remembering that you’re still in a game. “Holy fuck I did it. I actually did it, you guys!” 

She’s CRACKED

LETS GOOOO

WOOOOO

YEEEEESSSSSS

~~~

Roughly five minutes later, you’re still in the round. Everyone’s bed has been broken at this point but there are still three teams that are yet to be eliminated, yours included. 

You’re sort of just hiding at the base, watching the chaos from afar as your one and only teammate left (Kodzuken) goes on a murder spree. 

He’s running back to the team’s island when the incident occurs.

All you see is yellow leather armor and a yellow name tag, sprinting on the bridge connecting your base to the emerald island. You don’t even consider the fact that they’re currently being chased down by your teammate, you just aim. 

Your aim is exceptionally good, so good in fact that the explosion knocks off both the yellow player and Kodzuken. 

You freeze at the realization, your mouth falling open in complete horror as you piece together what you’d just done.

“I did not just do that,” you whisper, mostly to yourself as the events replay in your mind. “Oh my god,” you facepalm - forgetting (once again) that you’re still actually alive and participating in the game - and completely missing the person running towards you on the other bridge. 

You hear the sound of something being attacked, echoing through your headphones and making your eyebrows furrow with confusion. 

You abruptly gasp, but by then it’s too late. 

You’re dead. And your team has lost.

Taglist: @crazy-people-are-here, @existential-traveller, @peachesncats, @royalz658

Any names in bold are unable to be tagged.

[lorelune]

hey lore !!!!! I'm a big fan of your works <3 they honestly amaze me so much. i especially adore your world building it's just so ?? scrumptious ?! no seriously it's so good like i want to eat it up along with your characterization. i love how you enhance already existing world's as well as create new ones — not just world's but ways things work and intricacies within intricacies.. you provide such a clear idea that makes picturising it all so much easier and interesting

ive never written before other than some blurbs here and there on my notes app but recently hsr brainrot has been Hitting it lately and i've had way too many thoughts 💭 i was planning on maybe writing a fic.. but it requires insane amount of world building (and ik that's definitely not the right thing to start off on, as a new writer/for your first work but then again ig there is no right and wrong way to do it (?) it's more like my brain power might not support me and i’ll abandon it half way or something 🥲 haha) anyway i was wondering if you have any tips on how to worldbuild or build further on the existing ideas of certain organisations and all that sort.. there's just so many ideas haywiring and i would really love some advice if you don't mind. but no pressure !! sorry if this was too long,,

omg hello anon!! not too long at ALL hehe i'm gonna answer this below the cut hehe

first off THANK YOU 🥺!!! i appreciate your kind words so much <3 i really enjoy worldbuilding in my own writing and i'm very glad the ideas i bungle up translate well when actually in a story :'^) in my own little brainworld where i daydream, i tend to add details and layers to the original story that i do like... question if i can execute. so it is always nice to hear that they do in fact make it through 😭💓

as for advice!!

anon. so transparently. so REAL-y. if you have the brainworms for a story, even if its big and complicated and a lot to chew on it, just start!!! it is so intimidating truly but there is no better writing fuel than the muse of a story that has captured you. and!! if it does not end up finished, that is totally okay!! i have personally learned some of most valuable lessons writing while working on large pieces that ultimately ended up unfinished.

for more material advice:

when working on fic, i keep a lot of notes in a personal discord server. i have a wip channel and threads for certain fic ideas where i compile plot details, world details, fanart and inspo photos. it's super helpful!!!

one thing that helps me when i have big grand worlds in my head and i need to get them down and written is, instead of choosing to take a bite out of the whole world itself, i try to choose just a snippet or event and build around that. for example, in cicatrix, you get LOTS of lore abt calibrators and their relationship to the luofu, but plenty of what i had spinning around in my noggin didn't make it down. it wasn't relevant to the immediate story, event, or conflict, so it stayed unspoken. however, i think having really rich background going INTO writing these snippets of a larger universe helps fill things out and seem more like... lived in.

i will say. so indispensable. BETA READERS. the first few drafts of cicatrix where so ROUGH when it came to world building. i had the whole lore of calibrators and the luofu in my head, but getting it down clearly and in a way that made enough sense to an unknowing audience took a few read throughs and feedback by some lovely friends of mine. i highly recommend tracking down someone to read over your pieces and provide feedback on the things you're worried about!!!

and like... perhaps a little corny. but. believe in yourself. we are our own greatest critics, and the best attitude to cultivate toward the craft is that you can... do it. you just can. innately anon, regardless of experience, you can create the story and world you want to. bolstering a sense of confidence goes FAR esp if you end up writing a longer piece!!!

anon i got quite rambly asldkf. i hope this is in some way helpful!!! if you have any other questions, i am happy to answer!! i truly think writing immersive worlds is SO fun and engaging, and sometimes you just gotta. throw your hat in the ring. start the run and see where it takes you. i wish you such like and good tidings anon <3

[bloodgulchblog]

WHAT HAPPENS IN HALO: OUTCASTS, ZITA?

Hot damn, I haven't done one of these in a while.

Let me get this written down for you while it's still fresh...

(As usual: I cannot guarantee I present events that are happening in the same time in different places in the order the book does, but I do promise the gist of the thing)

Outcasts happens in November of 2559, which is after the destruction of Doisac and before the events of Halo Infinite begin.

Cortana's forces are occupying Sanghelios and attempting to police the population, which makes the Arbiter's position suck out loud: he can't directly confront Cortana without winding up in the same position as Atriox with Doisac. The Sangheili have been trying to figure out what to do without Cortana finding out about any of their plans.

There are also some humans on Sanghelios, among them Spartan Olympia Vale. Vale has become a personal friend to the Arbiter in addition to an important diplomatic contact. (She is pre-emptively sad about how bad it's gonna turn out once the Arbiter finds out the extent to which ONI has fucked him over over the years, but also: Thel actually knows more than she thinks he does and that's kind of fun.)

Anyway.

After a very tense traffic stop by some of Cortana's troops on his way back from a big important Kaidon meeting (this is the part that N'tho 'Sraom and Usze 'Taham are around for), Thel has a vistor: an Oath Warden named Crei 'Ayomuu. Oath Wardens are hired guns who enforce contracts, either by scaring the noncompliant party into following through on their end, or by bringing back their head. This is considered highly dishonorable work and nobody likes Oath Wardens. Thel is not a fan either.

'Ayomuu, however, is here because he has some important information about the contract he is pursuing: a human xenoarchaeologist (Keely Iyuska) who specializes in pre-Forerunner civilizations (or, you know, what trace scraps of those exist) agreed, in exchange for funding, to give 'Ayomuu's client first pick of whatever she finds on a planet the Sangheili call N'ba.

To make a long story short, N'ba is what we would remember as Netherop from Halo: Oblivion. It is a miserable desert world that did have evidence of weird alien technology, but nothing too earth-shattering.

...But the evidence also suggests something far, far more important might be on Netherop: A weapon. A powerful, ancient weapon that once was used to kill a Guardian.

It is, obviously, very important that this not fall into the wrong hands. Cortana is also actively hunting for this human, and Cortana's hands would absolutely be the wrong ones.

It's time to get over working with an Oath Warden and get on the case.

Meanwhile, Vale is also finding out about this elsewhere. She's hearing it straight from the horse's mouth, because Iyuska is an old university acquaintance and is reaching out to Vale for help because ONI may be in fucking shambles after Cortana destroyed Bravo-6, but there are enough pieces still working and she knows Vale still has contacts. And they prrrrooooobably should not let Iyuska's client (or anyone) get their hands on this thing she is pretty sure she's discovered.

Vale agrees, and they set off to the one planet you know makes it a Troy Denning Halo novel: Gao.

In Oblivion the UNSC found a pack of feral children (the descendents of space pirates) on Netherop and those children wound up founding a settlement somewhere in the jungle on Gao. Vale wants to find someone who has been to Netherop before to advise on this mission. She and Iyuska make their way in by pretending to be medical researchers investigating a new prion disease that is infecting people on Gao. (That part is happening on Gao, by the way.) The cover falls apart pretty quick because the locals are deeply suspicious and because Vale is.... a Spartan-IV out of armor, and that shit is kind of obvious.

Luckily things don't turn to violence, though, because they are broken up by Rosa Fuertes. This is the character we knew in Oblivion as local Netherop feral youth leader Roselle. (She changed her name to try to avoid ONI tracking her or something and... honey... you are gonna have to try a lot harder than that.) She was like 20 in Oblivion so now she's like 50, and is herself wasting away from the prion disease. She agrees to go with Vale and Iyuska to help with whatever they're doing, but on the condition that ONI continues to leave her family the fuck alone.

Meanwhile, the Arbiter has snuck off Sanghelios (leaving his most trusted guys to cover for him and pretend he's home for as long as possible to throw Cortana's surveillance off the scent) and gone to Netherop. He has some help from two kaidons for this endeavor: 'Talot and Varo'dai. 'Talot is an old ally of 'Vadam and pretty traditional. Varo'dai is a lot more interesting: She (yes she) originally came from Saepon'kal.

This is some Shit No One Remembers Halo lore, so here's the tl;dr: The first time we ever heard of a NOVA bomb (you know, a planet cracker) was the time in First Strike where Admiral Whitcomb left one as bait for the Covenant to find. The Covenant, not knowing what it was, took it back with them to a fleet rally point. In Ghosts of Onyx, a Huragok accidentally set the bomb off by poking at it to trying to figure it out. This blew up most of that particular Covenant fleet, and there was much rejoicing.

...The planet this happened over was the Sangheili colony world of Saepon'kal. The damage from that big of an explosion shattered the moon and soon enough rendered the surface of the planet uninhabitable.

Varo'dai is kaidon of a new colony world, because she was instrumental to saving tens of thousands of Sangheili. She's a very cool character concept, I kinda wish we saw more of her, but by god if you want an excuse to think about cool Sangheili women you've got her and her handpicked all-female rangers who turn out to be some of the most competent people in the book. (Again, don't get your hopes up too much, they're just kinda there as set dressing. Varo'dai gets to be cool occasionally, but her rangers are the most characterless side characters and please do not buy this book just for the lacroix water flavor of Sangheili women being cool. I just... feel compelled to point out that this is the closest we are probably ever gonna get to Sangheili lesbians.)

Honestly, she's mostly there so we have an excuse to see the Arbiter tell off 'Talot for not treating her with respect because Thel 'Vadam confirmed feminist king.

The Arbiter's party makes it down onto Netherop first and encounters.... another returning Oblivion character: Lieutenant Commander Petrov.

Petrov and a handful of her soldiers were marooned on Netherop at the end of Oblivion because Roselle sabotaged her in order to ensure that Roselle and her gang of feral youths would get to leave the planet instead.

Petrov has, over the last thirty years, made this situation completely fucking insane and on the one hand it's so stupid that my disbelief can't handle it, but on the other hand it's kind of amazing? Petrov's people have continued to fight the war with the Covenant, but on Netherop "the Covenant" is just a literal handful of Sangheili holed up in the tel (ruins of an ancient alien underground city) with the ancient alien superweapon and an apparently infinite supply of food.

That's not the insane part.

The insane part is that the humans had a shit ton of kids expressly for the purpose of "making more soldiers" to fight the Covenant with.

And we thought the Spartan program was fucked up...

Thel manages to prevent his allies and Petrov's weird little unit/family from trying to kill one another and does enough diplomacy with Petrov to be on rough speaking terms.

...Meanwhile Vale, Iyuska, Rosa, and a shit ton of ODSTs try to insert onto Netherop. Most of the ODSTs are killed when their dropships are exploded by a MYSTERIOUS ALIEN SLIPSPACE DEATH BEAM, but the Owl with Vale and friends aboard is built for stealth so it manages to survive landing.

Vale doesn't expect the Arbiter to agree with her about what they're doing here, but he is an honorable man and figures if the UNSC finds the MYSTERIOUS ALIEN SLIPSPACE DEATH BEAM first he will, as a man of honor, let them have claim to it. But also, he's gonna do his damnedest.

Thel and his gang of fellow Sangheili have an advantage because the marooned Sangheili aren't automatically hostile to them, so they go in the obvious way while Vale and friends and ODSTs find a way to dig into the underground city instead.

The marooned Sangheili believe that this is the sanctum of the gods and Nizat 'Kvarosee, their leader, is the most strong of faith so he is the best at weilding the super weapon and used it to destroy those ENEMY HUMAN SHIPS.

Thel's team and Vale's team make their way through the tel, fighting the marooned Sangheili (Thel manages to recruit the former Silent Shadow Ra'ashai to his side, 'Talot and his warriors die) and investigating how the hell this place works. Iyuska determines that the whole place seems to run on extremely advanced nanotechnology, which the marooned Sangheili have become very attuned to (shown by how the place adapts to their desires and needs, creating food they can eat and clothing them and of course giving them control over the MYSTERIOUS ALIEN SLIPSPACE DEATH BEAM.)

Rosa gets separated from everyone (originally because the marooned Sangheili captured her) and has a weird moment with some mysterious voices that call themselve The Nothing and insist that she cannot tell anyone they exist, ever. As a prize for this, she wins having her prion disease magically cured somehow.

(Yeah, it's weird, I don't know either.)

Also, while all of this is going on, Atriox is in space overhead. The book thinks it's slick about Atriox secretly being the one who funded Iyuska's research, but it kind of plays that hand too strongly so you know it's Atriox and it's not a surprise. While the ground team is working on securing the weapon, Atriox is attacking everybody's ships. Nobody downstairs finds out for a long while due to comms blackout.

Thel and Vale's teams finally wrest control of the MYSTERIOUS ALIEN SLIPSPACE DEATH BEAM from the marooned Sangheili and one of them ('Kvarosee's lackey Tam 'Lakosee, did I mention he was also in this one?) shows Thel how to use it just in time for them all to figure out holy shit, the Banished are attacking! The beam detects what you think of as your "enemies" and smites them, basically, so Thel worries about whether his mixed feelings about human involvement here might imperil the human ship.

He shouldn't have worried about it. Thel zeroes in on the Banished and a Forerunner ship he knows is going to report to Cortana. 'Lakosee is horrified that he is attacking a SACRED FORERUNNER SHIP, and grabs for the controls in retaliation. End result: EVERYBODY'S big spaceships get blown up: human, Sangheili, and Banished.

Everyone is fucked, they have a matter of hours until Cortana's forces arrive and Banished insertion craft that weren't destroyed are already on the way down. The gang debate about what to do with 'Kvarosee and 'Lakosee, who are both in rough shape. When they refuse to re-integrate with the Sangheili because they believe that Thel and his entourage are clearly godless apostates, Thel and aforesaid entourage leave them to rot.

Iyuska disassembles the MYSTERIOUS ALIEN SLIPSPACE DEATH BEAM, which is unfortunate timing because that really would've helped with all these Banished.

They have to go out and meet/probably fight the Banished, and also figure out what the fuck to do with this superweapon. Thel kinda hates it and Varo'dai's suggestion of the humans and Sangheili each taking one of the two important pieces (a sample of self-propagating nanomachines, and the focusing lens) might be a good idea, but he is a man of his word: the humans did reach the weapon's chamber first when they were fighting their way in, so he will let them have it. Vale, despite it all, is genuinely surprised but okay sure.

....But then Vale gets an idea.

What if they just... give the Banished the weapon? The weapon seems to have pretty much destroyed Netherop's own civilization by being used here, and it would be difficult to impossible to set it up usefully as an offensive weapon. Give Atriox what he wants, and maybe everyone will be able to get off the planet.

(Because it turns out: there are some UNSC slipspace-capable craft that also survived the MYSTERIOUS ALIEN SLIPSPACE DEATH BEAM so it's fine.)

They parley with Atriox, blah blah blah shock and betrayal it turns out that Atriox was secretly employing 'Ayomuu through Atriox's Sangheili lackey this whole time yadda yadda, Atriox ends up leaving with space dust and a focusing lens he probably can't use but he hasn't figured that out yet, at least everyone gets to go home. (???) The most important thing here is that Rosa and Petrov have A Moment to resolve the fact that Rosa caused Petrov to be marooned. Petrov forgives her.

(There's also a chapter of how fucking bad Sloan is doing, you remember Sloan? AI? Meridian? Fenris Dragon Age voice? Anyway, he joined the Created in the hopes of integrating with the Domain and surviving Rampancy, but something about that... doesn't really work with his architecture. He's looping badly, and kind of AI dying. But not yet, not quite yet...)

A lot more stuff happens and there's lots of details scattered through here (some are fun, some are dumb, you know, it's Halo). It 100% does not advance the main universe plot at all, and what the fuck are the Nothing????

But... it was nice to see our guy Thel 'Vadam.

[show-us-kaidenshenandoah]

i think im gonna start a series called "Kaiden-Shenandoah's random life tips" bc there's just some odd things i do that make my life easier/more enjoyable. that. like. i dont think make me special?? but most of my loved ones i babble to, when i mention them, will look surprised and be all "damn, that's clever. that's an issue i never thought about, but yeah, i can see how thatd help others/myself. ill have to remember that"

so. this post is all JUST IN CASE it helps someone, even just one person, then the effort will have been entirely worth it. bc sometimes living life is hard and sometimes you just need to hear someone say "oh, what about this possible solution?" to help you out by applying such to your routines or use that suggestion as foundational inspiration for something more customized to your own life or whatever else— just to make living life that little bit easier. and if me sepcifically needing a lot of "oddball" solutions and pre-cautions helps others??? that makes me feel awesome (and less alone), so hell yeah, ill do my best to remember as many tips as i have and be consistent about posting them within this thread. just in case and all that jazz ✌️

(and, even tho this likely DOES NOT need to be said out loud, ill say it anyway as my own proverbial "Bill of Rights" style just-have-it-written-down-in-case-the-worst-happens-in-the-future (but hope for the best) PSA: if these dont apply to you?? or if you think "wtf, people need help with this?? our generation/the next generation is doomed"??? maYHAPS THIS POST ISN'T FOR YOU. this is applicable only to people with lifestyles and/or brains that are similar to me and my loved ones. if you arent of that lifestyle or brain-typage, then thats that lol of course you cant relate. it's an "apples and oranges" thing, y'know. not better/worse or special/normal; just different. it's not something you need, and that's super okay. just don't be rude about the difference. if youd like to be kind and reblog anyway in case any followers or loved ones of yours could be helped by any of this?? that's so fantastic. some of this stuff has some really bad internalized shame about it, or else people have been conditioned to just "keep that to themself; don't talk about it", and either way some of these topics (not all, but still) have people who are hiding their struggle from others as best they can. you don't know what you don't know; and you don't know what people don't tell you. so it's very generous of you, as someone who cant relate to some/all of this stuff, to reblog just in case one of those silent strugglers follow you and/or are a part of your inner-circle. thank you so much for sympathizing with struggles you know your life as is doesn't share and thank you for being kind ♡)

i dont expect this to be helpful to EVERYBODY, and def feel free to just screenshot what is valuable to you and abandon this actual post (just pls dont crop my name out, esp if you end up re-posting your copy to your own blog or on different social-media elsewhere. bc credit is nice lol) bc i assume this will become a long/repetitive post as i update on/off. and most people dont like long posts lmao rip so you dont gotta reblog it if you hate long/repetitive posts or are worried about your followers disliking any long/repetitive post (besides: ill sometimes make one-offs not attached to this post, probably. esp since im forgetful and tumblr is broken/i lose things easily. but ill try to reblog this one for most of them, since thats easier organization for my brain 🫶 lmao)

(but yeah i only have three ideas i wanna do today, but ill come back to this whenever i remember another one ive done thats been helpful to me and/or that i created alongside a loved one that helped them lol)

also pls note that i am dyslexic and do not plan on editing any of this too seriously. so forgive me for mispellings, for forgetting an entire word, and so on. this is me being very casual, so ill inevitably miss some mistakes i make and whatnot

hugs and kisses xoxo best wishes see you later babe

[anadrenalineslut]

im like the water when your ship rolled in that night, drowning in the blue nile, he sent me downtown lights i hadn't heard it in a while, rough on the surface but you cut through like a knife, my boredom's bone deep, this cage was once just fine am i allowed to cry, and if it was an open shut case i never would have known from that look on your face, i dream of cracking locks, throwing my life to the wolves or the ocean rocks, lost in your current like a priceless wine, the more that you say the less that i know, crashing into him tonight, he's a paradox, wherever you stray i follow, im seeing visions, am i bad or mad or wise, im begging for you to take my hand, what if he's written mine on my upper thigh only in my mind, wreck my plans, one slip and falling back into the hedge maze, oh what a way to die, that's my man, i keep recalling things we never did, messy top lip kiss, life was a willow and it bent right to your wind, how i long for our trysts, head on the pillow i could feel you sneaking in, as if you were a mythical thing, without ever touching his skin how can i be guilty as sin, like you were a trophy or a champion ring and there was one prize, I'd cheat to win, i keep these longings locked in lowercase inside a vault, the more that you say, the less i know, someone told me there's no such thing as bad thoughts, wherever you stray i follow, only actions talk, these fatal fantasies giving way to labored breath, im begging for you to take my hand, taking all of me, wreck my plans, we've already done it in my head, that's my man, if it's make believe why does it feel like a vow we'll both uphold somehow, you know that my train could take you home, what if he's written mine on my upper thigh only in my mind, anywhere else is hollow, one slip and falling back into the hedge maze, im begging for you to take my hand, oh, what a way to die, my bedsheets are ablaze, wreck my plans, ive screamed his name, that's my man, building up like waves, crashing over my grave, life was a willow and it bent right to your wind, oh, without ever touching his skin, how can i be guilty as sin, they count me out time and time again, what if i roll the stone away, they're going to crucify me anyways, life was a willow and it bent right to your wind, oh, what if the way you hold me is actually what's holy, but i come back stronger than a 90s trend, if long suffering propriety is what they want from me, wait for the signal and I'll meet you after dark, they don't know how you've haunted me so stunningly, show me the places where others gave you scars, i choose you and me, now this is an open shut case, religiously, guess i should have known from the look on your face, every bait and switch was a work of art, he sent me downtown lights, hey, that's my man, yeah, that's my man, i hadn't heard it in a while, im begging for you to take my hand, am i allowed to cry?

[putyourcigaretteoutonmyback]

────────────────────────────

do i,

one person out of eight billion, on a planet that's bathing in a sea of stars and galaxies,

even matter ?

────────────────────────────

if i was gone it wouldn't affect the world all that much, maybe the people around me, but that's temporary. we all die anyways, don't we? people say life is short yet it feels so, so long despite how the days will pass me by. how ill sit in bed doing the same things, scrolling on this phone, recognizing I should get off, get up, go do something, yet still, I remain unmoved. in my bed. on my phone. and the next days the same, and the next, and the next. my days are all spent the same, what good does living do me, really.

one small person in a universe full of things that have far more potential then ill ever have or live up to. a quit exit would be taking pills, or jumping in the river only a quick drive from me, maybe drown myself in the pool.

ive planned it in my head, sort of anyways. i could sneak out in the middle of the night, walk hours just to find the bridge, to feel the cold railing before ive sunken beneath it. or i could take a ton of pills, though that's not guaranteed. neither of them are i suppose. its funny, really, how suicides something ill always think about. it's the only constant on my mind; even if im happy, out with my friends or family, it lingers. what if this is the last time i see them? the last time they see me. it gets worse when I'm sad. killing myself would take evey feeling ive ever felt away, and id be gone.

i wonder if death is peaceful, i wonder what happens once we die. everyone does, i think, yet it remains unanswered until it happens. tons of reasons to stay, but tons to leave. sometimes i think about how if i do have another life after this, ill never know since it won't actually be me, it won't be my second life because itll be someone completely different. theyll have a different name and face, a different conscience because they won't be me. ill be dead, and someone else will live their life.

when you put it like that, do second lives even exist? if it won't be someone with the same conscience, someone who won't know of your existence, then really, it's just someone else.

“ in my next life I want — ” not your next life, someone else's life. someone completely different. and sometimes, i wanna be something, i wanna be everything, but thatll never be possible. i cant live every life, study every animal whilst learning of every movie ever made. i cant read every book written or listen to all the music that was created on this planet, and that frustrates me.

alot.

i wanna be soft, gentle, but at the same time, i wanna be loud and confident. i wanna get better, to live without the need to criticize my every move, every feature on my body or every word i said, but at the same time, i wanna get sick, be the worst i can be. cut my skin every day, go weeks without food, stop showering, give up, all in the hopes someone notices. to simply let go, to see how it feels, to see if it's any better then trying to be good, to be kind, better then putting in the effort to get out of bed every day, to shower, to do laundry.

back to suicide, i guess. its a sin, isnt it. but is god real? so many things yet to be proven. if god were real, why would he waste time with such insignificant things such as humans, much less care about the sexuality of someone or what they choose to believe in. god is cruel, afterall. someone could spend their whole life being good whilst believing in a religion other than christianity, and guess what. to hell they go. someone who's suffering, who sees suicide as their only way out, to hell. the rapist of someone who committed because of them, they repent and suddenly their a saint. to heaven, of course. what makes someone a good person, really? is if how often they compliment others, is it whether or not they pick up the money someone dropped and return it to them? to be a good person must you believe in certain things, does your past define how good you are? what does it take to be defined as good.

life is unfair, really. you're born into a body, into a family, you're raised, taken care of, unless you arent. the people you're surrounded by as you grow completely dictate who you become, and you cant control that. the body you've got from your mom, the addiction gene from your father, the nose and face you hate from generations before, stuff you get stuck with. you can't change most things, sure, workout, starve, do as you please but that doesn't change the structure of your bones or the people who made you. plastic surgery is expensive, and youll be called fake anyways, so is it worth it? I wonder why it's so hard to like myself.

i really dislike my face, my body, my personality and my voice. the little comments people make, whether they intend to cause harm or to not. they linger within my mind, floating in a thousand other thoughts i have yet to think deeper about. i guess thats what im doing right now. i would be journaling this but my hands hurt, so now whoever sees this gets to decide if they wanna read this. thats probably why i made this account. to rant, to vent.

something i really can't imagine is being anything older then I am right now. being an adult, growing up, it seems so impossible but i know it's not because i see it all around me every day. maybe it's because since from a young age, i always thought id be dead. that id kill myself before the age i am now, before i ever got to be a parent or employee. i still think that, probably, because i still wanna kill myself and its still set in my mind. “ i wont be anything more then what i am right now. ”

maybe its true, maybe its not.

the question “ what do you wanna be when you grow up ” was always hard for me. i never knew, i mean, my childish dreams of being a youtuber were there but that's it. i have no idea who i am or who i wanna be. theres so many jobs, but only so much time to do them, so many careers require a certain course in school, which tends to be expensive. what if i choose something i end up hating? what if im stuck for the rest of my life and miserable. im scared of growing up, of making the wrong choice.

on that topic, sex. its scary, really scary. what if i lose it to the wrong person? of course, i could wait till marriage, but divorce is always a possibility so even then. who would i consider the right person? im not sure. itll probably hurt, what if they see me naked and change their mind? someone seeing me naked is scary. maybe ill just die a virgin, lame, but atleast i won't have to be vulnerable. what if I bleed and he says ew, what if it goes wrong, what if what if what if.

my mind is full of what ifs, always. what if the hangout I have planned goes wrong? what if I get made fun of? maybe I think too much.

thats probably it for now, read it or don't, I wish tumblr said how many words it had. maybe it does, not sure, anyways, bye.

[27-royal-teas]

YET !!! ANOTHER ANALYSIS!! And for good reason this time because people keep misinterpreting Pete’s work to be about Mikey and it makes me fucking PISSED can you not let pete have one thing in his goddamn life i get it its fine to have headcanons and opinions but PLEASE for the love of god please stop discrediting all of his hard work & good writing to be about a white boy he fucked back in ‘05 this CONSTANTLY happens with poc artists and it makes me mad to no end

yep, that’s right. today we’re talking about I Am My Own Muse. writing this essay i have listened to it a grand total of twenty three times 

i like this song a lot specifically because i do kind of relate to it a lot frequently i feel like smashing a guitar until i go insane but i dont have a guitar and i dont know how to play one regardless so. uh yeah

The thing about IAMOM is that it’s saying that in the TITLE. Hes his own muse. And obviously no one can take that away. sure , some of his songs might be inspired by someone, but in the long run, who do they come from? pete. romance songs might not be about anyone in particular. I know ive wrote songs that could be interpreted as romance, but they’re actually me talking to my younger self or my future self or my friend, and the point is, even though songs written by pete may seem like they were about someone that doesnt mean they are and you cant, you CANNOT discredit the fact that he is his own muse. just like the song title says.

The song begins with a BANGING orchestral arrangement. I think the intro to IAMOM is my favorite song intro on the album. It's just very well thought out and clearly carefully planned, and quite honestly I think patrick did an AMAZING job and I'd love to see him do a breakdown of the composition here because I am IMPRESSED. Not even to mention the vocals, he is on FIRE. anyway in the rest of this essay I’ll be interpreting the lyrics and tying them back to the central topic i just opened with: How Pete Is His Own Muse. 

The first verse is quiet, and it begins like this:

“Here i am, not sure you should take a chance

I like playing dumb, letting you figure me out

But i was faded in my own defense

So drop a bomb on the things we dreamed about”

I feel as though this verse is very clear. He isnt sure that the person he’s referring to should take a chance on him, should think that he is worth it, and he likes being able to be up to someone else’s interpretation with no outside influence. i do this frequently with strangers- i stay quiet so that they can make up their own idea in their head about me. They can figure me out themself, since i clearly cant figure myself out, and i think that’s the idea pete is really aiming for here. ‘So drop a bomb on all the things we dream about” can be referring to himself or someone else, but here let’s take it in the context that he’s discussing himself. This line is repeated in the second verse, so it’s clearly one of the main points that needed to be stated here; here he is saying to himself that (again, it’s that self sabotage) he should give it up, give it all up, it’s not worth it, destroy it all, drop a bomb on all our dreams because they aren’t going to happen. Taken together with the previous lines we can basically say that pete is saying that because he is leaving himself open to interpretation from the public, the things he truly meant to say are lost. And i think that’s the main thing here, especially with the title, and obviously im doing it myself, maybe this isnt what he meant at all, but i definitely do think it correlates along those lines to some degree. 

The chorus is repeated several times throughout the song (3 times to be specific) and it goes like this:

“Smash all the guitars ‘til we see all the stars

Oh got to throw this year away

We got to throw this year away like

A bad luck charm” 

And then that repeats twice. 

I think i can safely say everyone reading this right now has gone through the pandemic. I assume three year olds dont go on tumblr. The entire smfs album references 2020 and 2019 time and time again, most critically in What A Time To Be Alive, and it’s heavily present in this song too. “Got to throw this year away (like a bad luck charm)” vocalizes the wishes of pete and everyone else who wishes to cut those years out of their brains- pete has expressed in interviews how taxing the pandemic really was on his mental health, and i think that “smash all the guitars” could symbolize the frustration and pain he really felt in that time; destroying music (one of the main things he loves) until he can sink into that despair and just float away (“‘til we see all the stars”). Another way this can be interpreted is an act of rebellion (a lot of musical artists smash their guitars during shows, cough ryan ross cough) but i dont really think that that makes as much sense in this context. 

The next verse:

“The trumpets bring the angels but they never came

No one let them in ‘cause they didnt know my name

I know i keep my feelings so tucked away

Just another day spent hoping we dont fall apart

So drop a bomb on all the things we dreamed about”

Another very pete based verse (BECAUSE HE IS HIS OWN MUSE). This kind of links to Heaven’s Gate because it’s related to the same thing- not making it on the list, not feeling worthy of getting into heaven, because this sort of self deprecation is reflected throughout most of Fall Out Boy’s albums. I could give a million examples of this, but I don’t want to be here forever. “The trumpets bring the angels but they never came/ no one let them in ‘cause they didn’t know my name” sort of brings to mind the image of a person waiting to be carried away to something they’re not entirely sure they deserve, and they’re proven correct because no one ever came to carry them away, no one ever decided that they’d be on the list to get to heaven and the angels just went marching past and pete can hear their horns, know theyre there for people who deserve heaven much more than he does. How sad is that?

“I know i keep my feelings so tucked away/ just another day spent hoping we dont fall apart” carries the feeling of not wanting to be a burden with every emotion thought and expressed, even the good ones, and ‘we’ can be referring to himself, every single aspect of himself, hoping he doesn’t fall apart into shards of the stars his guitar is made up of. and then of course it’s the line about the bomb again, although this time it feels even more internalized and personal because it’s the second time he said it, and he dreams of getting into heaven but how can he make it up there if the angels themselves know he does not deserve to and so. drop a bomb on all the things we dreamed about, folks, because they aren’t going to happen. 

The bridge: 

“So let’s twist the knife again, twist the knife again

like we did last summer

So let’s twist the knife again, twist the knife again

Oh, i’m just trying to keep it together

But it gets a little harder when it never gets better I'm trying

To keep it together, to keep it together, oh”

To me this entire bridge just feels really deeply confessional and personal. Im going to start at the bottom because i like it the best. 

He’s trying. He’s trying so damn hard- to be optimistic, to be hopeful and stay full of happiness and love but it’s SO HARD when there’s no light at the end of the tunnel to motivate him. This is still talking about quarantine, i think; i remember i was in middle school at the time; they said that we would be back in two weeks. I remember i was grateful to get a break and time off. Then two weeks turned into two years and it got really, really hard to see an end to the pandemic. When things stop improving it gets harder and harder to keep it together when you can’t see the results of any of your actions, when you’re trying your best but it still gets you nowhere. Wouldn’t you stop trying? i know i would.

And let’s talk about “let’s twist the knife” just a little bit. “Last summer” might refer to the last album release, which is Mania (even though it was released in January). Another album cycle, another twist of the knife; another bit of words that pete has to pull out of himself like ribbons, and although he loves it, that’s his job, it still feels like dredging up all the pain again. So let’s twist the knife again, dig it in just a little deeper, just like we did before. 

So, yeah. Pete is his own muse and i truly do think that that is heavily reflected in this song, even this whole album. A lot of songs in smfs seem more him-centered, because he is the writer and he is talking about himself. So Good Right Now and What  A Time To Be Alive are especially good examples of this. 

And the interesting thing about the title is that it’s pulled from a Frida Kahlo quote, which goes like this: 

“I am my own muse. I am the subject I know best. I am the subject I want to better.”

And isn’t that just it? This whole album, it’s an album of self discovery and going back to your roots and staying current anyway. It’s patrick pulling pete out of his funk and getting him back in the game; it’s an exploration of a new style, a new fall out boy. And like a phoenix, every album they rise again, still the same but somehow completely brand new. The orchestral arrangements displayed in IAMOM and SMFS and LFTOS showcase this, the new feeling but still the same, something bettered, and I’m really, really happy with how far they’ve come not only in their expansion of music but also with themselves. And I feel like this song and this title- I Am My Own Muse- is really a stand up, it’s a show of how far they’ve come. Because they are the subject they know the best.

[autistic-katara]

ALL RIGHT! ANON FANDOM HOT TAKES!

eddie munson sucks

this one is utterly incoherent but bear with me - IF byler hadn't been planned from the start, el and mike's relationship would've worked IF hopper hadn't taken el in. hopper majorly fucked up a lot of her personal growth and her ability to function around people.

hopper should've died

the bungou stray dogs fandom is great actually

the kpop fandom is disturbing but fascinating and i want to study it

i have this insane respect for the marauders fandom cause like they built it from the ground up and if they changed the names and a little bit of the magic system it could be it's own series

yeah idk what this is sorry

THANKS FOR THE LONG ASK AAAHHH (accidentally made the reply super long srry lmao)

honestly i just dont give a shit abt him. like in a vacuum i like his character, yk he was kinda a pretty big asshole to my boy lucas and he sells drugs (idrc abt that one tho) but at the same time idk i do enjoy the idea of eddie being queer nd clocking will and/or mike nd trying to make them feel comfortable talking to him (even if that could be done just as well if not better with robin who is yk canonically queer and a way better character but idk) but all that is ignoring how fucking annoying his fans are like jesus christ why is he this fucking popular like half the fics in this godforsaken fandom r st€ddie (and look i am a shameless will-ship-smthn-based-off-of-one-small-momenter of the highest degree but i genuinely do not understand the hype for them like they literally looked at eachother twice and had eddie tell steve to get back with his ex how in the fuck is that romantic???) and yeah just he is insanely overrated in the worst possible way and the fact that this isnt even the worst case of this in this fandom just proves how much b*lly and his fans suck and yeah i did not expect to go on a huge rant abt this srry TwT

kinda agree kinda disagree. i do think it wouldve been possible for mlvn to work but i wouldnt say hopper taking el in is the problem i think ud kinda just have to rewrite alotta their interactions with some small things in the beginning but with a completely different dynamic in the later seasons (sidenote: honest to god if theyd just written hopper a bit better i would fucking love him as el’s dad like i love the found family trope and i do think they go well together but with the way he acts in s3 + the way their fight that culminates in el’s meltdown and him breaking the tv in s2 just yeah they rlly could’ve been done better)

no comment i dont rlly care (i dont hate that he survived but if he stayed dead i also wouldnt hate it)

yeah honestly while it has its problems ive been in waaaayyyyy worse fandoms and i do actually kinda like the vibe here (even if it has some of the dumbest shipping discourse i’ve seen. not the worst but the dumbest. usually surrounding my boy dazai which just bro that man is a whore ship him with whoever and no its not a proship to ship him with an 18yo bcz they have a kinda mentor/student relationship and no shipping him at 18 with a 24yo also isnt a proship bcz someone decided he was 16 or smthn which if u actually do the maths he was very much 18 and look i’m not a dazatsu shipper and odazai isnt my favourite dazai ship nor am i saying both ships r entirely unproblematic but dude this is why i dont wanna label myself an anti bcz u guys say shit like this anyways sorry that was a super long side tangent it will probably happen again)

again no comment, i know jack shit abt kpop

uhhh i hate everything related to hp so again no comment

again srry this turned out so long 😭

[fairytaehl]

In your atmosphere, in your scent that’s like flowers, I hope you can understand me like this always, for a long time

one of my favorite mileven fics ive written! its really a combo of three fics i planned on: the evolution of how comfortable they are with physical touch, a wrist kiss, and a rain kiss. it felt better to put it all in one, though maybe it could still use tweaking!

still, i love this to bits, i care sm about their relationship development and wanted to share my hopes for s5 kisses!!!

enjoy!

Summary: Physical touch was not always something that came easily to Mike Wheeler. He was stiff by nature and only settled for simple things like handshakes with his friends, tapping or nudging his older sister and the occasional required hug. Awkward was kind of his middle name.

But then El came along.

Physical touch was not always something that came easily to Mike Wheeler. He was stiff by nature and only settled for simple things like handshakes with his friends, tapping or nudging his older sister and the occasional required hug. Awkward was kind of his middle name.

But then El came along.

The impact of their two worlds colliding might as well be deemed the reason Uranus rotates on its side, a crash so strong it would forever change the trajectories of their lives.

His hugs earned more meaning, his touches more frequent and acts of undisguised care shamelessly given to those around him. Since spotting her in the forest by Mirkwood, his life had never been, and would never be, the same.

At first, it was obvious how much El had a distrust for anyone who reached out to her. The exact reasoning for why would be unknown for some time, but her flinches and closing herself off said enough to him. He was just curious when he saw her tattoo, it was impulsive and foolish and he was young, but he knew his boundaries then.

When she started to touch his arm, hold his hand, let him hug her, grasp him as she rode behind him on his bike and lean her head on him, he felt something he never had before. There was an overwhelming feeling of humble pride to be someone she trusted enough to be so physically close to, something that tugged at his heartstrings and made his heart beat faster, so much so that he hoped she didn't hear it.

There wasn't a real word for it then (that he accepted, anyways), but when he looked back on those younger days where he was unbeknownst to what the future held, to the present where he stared at her sleeping face that was still blotchy from crying in the rain earlier, pressing a kiss to her temple, he knew it had been love.

His first kiss with her was on a whim, something to get his feelings across without actually saying it. Sometimes it felt stupid to have done it then, even though they almost had in his basement's bathroom that one time, but he didn't know what else to do besides admitting he had a crush on this girl he barely knew (thanks, Lucas.) He didn't know if El even knew of the word and its meaning. The feeling, sure, but something told him there wasn't any other way to make sure she was truly aware of his feelings, so he kissed her.

The year after her disappearance saw Mike in the darkest spot he had ever been in, and somehow no one understood or wanted to sympathize. How was he supposed to move on after seeing the only girl he had ever felt romantically connected to disappear right before his eyes? How was he supposed to forget her or just remember her as some superhero who came to save the day and left when her duty was seemingly done? Call it coping with grief or whatever, but he didn't ever even believe she was gone to begin with.

And because of her, he became more attentive, more quick to physically reach out. He was afraid of losing Will again, afraid of someone else being ripped out of his hands while he wasn't close enough to grab them.

So he stayed by his side, always putting a hand or arm on him to ensure he was there and he was real (not just some memory of a best friend he lost unexpectedly), to console and ground both Will and selfishly, himself.

When day 356 came along and he saw her for the first time again, the stress and anger all washed off of him in waves and he embraced El like he never had hugged anyone else before. El, the one who showed him the meaning of genuine touches. El, the one who he fell in love with at such a tender age.

Almost kissing outside Hopper's cabin, not even caring who saw, leading her to the dance floor at his school where they finally shared a mutual kiss in front of all the other kids and their friends (and even his sister!) were moments he defined as progress. Progress for them but progress for himself, too. He didn't know how to do this dating thing, even more so since it wasn't at all conventional, so it was a guessing game. But he quickly learned that he would make himself comfortable for whatever she wanted. Kisses, hugs, touches. Even if it was foreign for him, the knowledge that she was new to this, too, only made him feel more at ease.

She would attach herself to him like a koala, and he had no gripes about it. If anything, he was overjoyed at being able to take on the role of some exquisite, totally capable, protective boyfriend as if she wasn't the one with a death toll to her name and wanted by the government.

Both hands always touching him wherever she could; his wrists, his arms, his shoulders, neck, cheeks, running through his strands of hair or lacing their fingers together, they made sure to find their place anywhere. Maybe he could admit that it comforted him to know how much she not only wanted to be with him but that maybe she was afraid to let go of him again, too.

Even when they were welcoming Dustin back from summer camp, they had to be hand in hand for the greeting, lest one of them disappears from their sight or, like it wasn't obvious already, people were unaware they were devoted to each other.

Having such casual displays of physical affection, especially amongst their friends, was rather easy for them. She could wrap her hands around his crossed arms, big doe eyes focused on what was going on but her dumpling cheek smooshed against his shoulder while she leaned as far into him as she could, and no one would ever question it. They might tease them separately, sure, but they all unspokenly knew how much it meant for them to be able to simply touch one another at all.

El never had to ask or say it; Mike would grab her hands with his and never let go, and she could hold onto him with both hands or with one, she could wrap an arm around him with a single hand while squeezing a hand tightly with her other, and she could rely on him to be there to bring her back to reality, to touch his face and to feel the strength in his grasp around her.

A lot of their kisses were mouth to mouth, but there were moments when Mike would try to do something different to make her smile extra wide, to impress her with his suave ways, to do something a little more than their typical, constant touches.

Head kisses became one that Mike did as he got taller. It wasn't one that he did too often being that sometimes they'd feel awkward, but when El was in her lowest of states, those always felt most appropriate.

If she was crying, shutting herself down, not making eye contact, he would place a soft kiss to her head to try and relieve some of the stress building up within her. She'd bring her arms around him and he would do it again until he started to pepper kisses all over her face, dotting her tears on it to stop them in their track of rolling down her cheeks.

It was one that made his heart ache to do, but he wanted to express his care for her in a way that wasn't too much, but that would be exclusive to their romantic touches. If it offered her consolation, if he got his intent across, he would feel relief that his measly, if not small, gestures could do something so comforting.

Temple kisses also were not ones he usually did, but sometimes the urge to show affection while not being too disgusting in public warranted these. Prior to the current, it had been done during the times they visited each other; the first time while they were walking down the street in Hawkins and another as they exited the airport, but another now after the one he just gave while she remained unbothered in her sleep.

Forehead kisses were more gentle, more personal, and it helped that they had the perfect height difference for them. They were the type of kiss he would give her to calm her nerves and smooth out the wrinkles forming on her forehead from worry or anger. Like when she had expressed frustration during their Thanksgiving meeting about Hopper not saying what was in his letter, visibly on the verge of tears, but he knew she would feel guilty for making their time together sad. Or like when she got mad at her Christmas visit after presenting her the promise ring, having cried from happiness but scolding herself for not even thinking to bring him anything like that in return.

Cheek kisses made him feel mushy from the cheesiness, but they were an easy sign of affection that made his girlfriend blush and smile with gee, and he would do whatever if it meant he got to see her smile.

So he'd kiss her cheek while they watched movies and he'd kiss her cheek some nights before leaving and he'd kiss her cheek as they held hands and took walks around their small, quaint town, and he'd kiss her cheek during their visits while out and about to let everyone know she was his and he was hers. Sometimes she would give him ones right back, and it was hard to ignore the way it'd give him goosebumps while simultaneously heating his body up, all thoughts stopping short as he'd goofily grin at her.

Nose kisses admittedly were one of his favorites with how he was able to make El's face scrunch up with happiness, then desperately standing up on her tip-toes to try and do the same. And what was the fun in just letting her have that? It was a perfect way to tease her, make her pout and then kiss her frown away, earning a smile from her again. Of course, he'd eventually give in and let her give his nose a peck, too, even if it felt awkward for him, he did always like it.

Bunny kisses were something he heard about from his mother, though she originally said it could be termed as an "Eskimo kiss." He preferred the former more, the name making it sound gentle and cute, a good comparison to El and her nature and their affection.

He decided to try it once while sitting in what was once Will's room on the bed during the hot summer after she had lost her powers. Their legs were crossed as they faced each other, and Mike was trying to teach her how to solve a Rubik's cube. Unprompted, and Mike completely unaware, El rested her forehead against him, stopping him in the middle of his sentence so he could look up at her. After a beat of staring, they smiled and kissed, and when they pulled away, Mike rubbed their noses against one another.

"What are you doing?" She had asked.

Mike shrugged. "Bunny kiss," he mumbled, giving her lips another peck. "Mom told me about it."

Her following giggle was music to his ears, and when she initiated the bunny kiss that next time he grinned from ear to ear.

There were a few times during that summer when they did it again, sometimes just as they snuggled in her or his room, silently spending time together while they still could.

When they had to say their goodbyes, this one came from a spur of the moment. His emotions overwhelming him, having just heard her say she loves him too meaning that she heard him, aware that she was going now for who knows how long, that it would be months before they got to hug and kiss each other again, that when they pressed their foreheads to each other after a tight embrace, he subtly rubbed their noses together. It was more comfort for himself than for her, and a mouth kiss felt like too much then. He just needed to convey that he was already missing her more than he thought was humanly possible, even though she was right in front of him. All of his insecurities crept to the top, the unsure future his reason for hugging her like it would be their last.

A couple of times while they met during the holidays and the inevitable discussion of having to say goodbye at the airport soon resulted in their faces close, El rubbing her nose against his to cheer him up. It never failed to make him smile, and he'd always follow up with a nose kiss for her tenderness.

Butterfly kisses, for once, were something El brought up to him. He had never even heard the term before, but while he was in Lenora for Thanksgiving, she asked him if he had ever heard of the term. According to her (explained after he answered with a confused "No?"), they were a type of kiss where one fluttered their eyelashes against the other person's skin or eyes.

Without him having to even ask, she pulled him close and pressed her face against his cheek, right below his eyes, blinking slowly, and it made him shiver. It was delicate, and it made him feel a little embarrassed from what felt like such an intimate and deliberate type of kiss. But he leaned his head down and placed their eyes close together to repeat the gesture, smiling when she did and gently kissing her lips. Mike wasn't sure how practical this one was, but it didn't make him like it any less, especially if she wanted it.

Shoulder kisses were something that he didn't even know were a real thing (of course they were, but what the hell did he know at fourteen?), but El's shoulder was often a place he felt at home. He knew he could tuck his head in the crook of her neck and just breathe her in, allowing her typical coconut-vanilla or lemon lavender scent to calm his nerves.

Mike had never done it before, barely even considered it (the thought fleeted before he could even process it in the moment), but when he reunited with her in the desert, kneeling down to see that she was alive, she was okay and she was there, he couldn't help himself.

Upon their embrace, he breathed her in again, even if she didn't smell like one of her usual aromas. And before they pulled away, he gave her shoulder a subtle kiss. He didn't even know if El felt it or registered it properly, but it was enough for him to be able to press his lips against some part of her to try to communicate his love for her that he had been afraid to say out loud, but not for much longer.

Rain kisses were ones he knew happened in romance movies. In real life? Well, they just seemed tacky to him. The only reason his view changed on that was the way El would coo and gape at those scenes during the romance movies he watched for her. It would be so ridiculous, truly, but he knew she would love it, and he only wanted to make her happy.

The funny thing about that was that dating El meant he felt as if he had to live up to the expectations she had from all of the films she would mention and make them watch, even if she seemed content with what they had already. With romantic gestures, touches and pet names, the only thing not being followed through with being that heavy-weighted "L" word, he'd done it all, just for her.

So during the summer before she had to leave, he knew the forecast for the day predicted a downpour. He planned the events in his head; he would go to breakfast with her and their friends, they would spend time playing video games at Dustin's house that day and then the two of them would leave right before the rainfall (not that anyone else knew), and Mike would ask if they could take a long walk home.

He and El had never walked by Mirkwood since their meeting, and though he didn't doubt her sense of memory, she probably only had an idea of the exact spot, whereas Mike had marked a tree with their initials only a couple days after her initial disappearance nearly two years ago.

There wasn't any warning before the sudden rush of rain that drenched them, and while El gasped and cowered into him, Mike held her hand tighter, saying, "Hang on, just a little further." And he wasn't lying, it was only about thirty feet more before he spotted the engraving on the wood, and he stopped right before it.

"Mike?" El tugged at his arm with both of her hands. "Mike, what are you doing? We have to go," she scolded, but laughter bubbled out at the way he was just gaping at her, not even knowing that he could feel himself falling more and more in love at that moment.

Without any more hesitation, he pressed his lips against hers for a minute, letting himself feel the rush of the moment while his clothes and hair were soaked, sticking to his skin, sure that it was the same for her.

He pulled away slowly, watching the raindrops run down her cheeks and hearing more than feeling his heartbeat pick up from admiring her beauty.

"What... was that for?" She asked, a dumbfounded smile on her face.

Mike shrugged and smiled back sheepishly. "You know, it's what they do in the movies, right?" He replied, and he saw the dots connect in her head through her eyes as he planted another kiss to her lips.

She giggled and brought her hands to his hair, and despite how the rain only got worse, they stayed in their meeting spot, expanding upon its sentimental and special meaning for what felt like hours.

Wrist kisses didn't seem to be a common thing at all, but whenever he caught El staring at her tattoo for a second too long, he always had the urge to grab her arm and give the mark a gentle kiss. It made him feel kind of pathetic for thinking that a kiss would help to ease the memories that came with her unconsented brand, but he only wanted to make sure there were no doubts in her mind about his devotion to each and every part of her.

As per usual, El was about to go off on her own to save the world and this time had been incredibly clear to everyone that she didn't want to be stopped.

"If Vecna is going to be killed by anyone, it will be by me," were the final words said to end the argument amongst them all, and though hesitation was clear on everyone's faces, Mike was the only one who followed her when she stepped out to the front of the cabin to be alone.

By the way he saw her shoulders raise up, he knew she could tell he was there, of course, but she kept on walking further into the woods where he followed, both indifferent to the drizzling that was present. He rolled his eyes, but he wasn't angry at her, he understood, there was just no holding back his exasperation.

As El stomped on through the crisp leaves, Mike tried to call for her several times. She ignored each of his attempts for nearly half a mile, never telling him to go away or trying to stop him with her powers, but not giving him any type of response, either.

Surmising it may not be a good idea but still going through with it anyways, Mike jogged through the now pouring rain up to her and grabbed her shoulder, effectively stopping her, and he knew it was since she let him.

El turned around and glared at him, but it contained no malice, only general distaste for her walk to clear her head having been interrupted. He wanted to hug her and comfort her, but he couldn't do so without speaking to her about this first.

"What?" She asked, voice monotone and near cold.

An angry huff escaped his lips as he shrugged his shoulders and raised his hands up in question only to drop them down to his side again, followed by a plop from the dampness. "El, seriously? What are you even thinking right now? You wanna go and be this independent superhero again?" He knew he sounded angry, but after all this time, he couldn't grasp why she didn't want help.

El shook her head. "Mike. I am not fighting you on this," she warned. "I am doing this alone and you cannot stop me from that." A surprising pause that had him holding his breath, and then, "Please... stop," she pleaded, and even though she tried to come off as mad, he could see through her facade, learning how to read her long ago.

Despite how much he wanted to respect her wishes, especially since it was a trait that came naturally with her, he couldn't bear to keep his mouth shut this time, to let her walk away while all he did was stand there and watch.

"El," Mike started, voice firm even though he saw her eyes start to water, "you're going to sacrifice yourself again for what? Why can't you just accept help? Why can't we help you? Why can't I help you?"

He saw her swallow thickly, shutting her eyes for a moment to presumably hold back tears before opening them up to stare at him, the action unfruitful as tears welled up and spilled out. She hiccuped, and for a moment Mike wanted to forget the argument and let her have her way, unable to stand to see her cry, but this was one thing he had to put his foot down for.

"Mike, please—"

"No, El," he cut her off and took a step closer, and goddammit the fear in her eyes almost made him stop but he wasn't going to. "You almost died last time. Do you understand that?" El nodded in response, rain droplets on her face making her tears look like they came in an abundance, tempting him to wipe them all away. "El, if you go this time," he took a deep breath in through his nose, afraid to even speak this into existence, "this could be one of the last times I ever see you."

He watched her crumble and close in on herself, shaking her head and shivering from her sobs and the cold. He felt himself start to cry, vision becoming blurry at the sight of the girl he loved most feeling this way because of him. It took him back to their argument in her California home, but this was an entirely different situation, and he couldn't let her leave this time without him.

El didn't even respond, words failing her every time she tried, and all she was able to do was wipe away her tears with the back of her hands. At this point, Mike was unable to control himself, grabbing her left forearm right below her tattoo and bringing it to his lips to place a soft, lingering kiss, rain trailing down her arm and building up where his mouth met her skin.

Mike felt her tense up and stare at him, but he closed his eyes for a few seconds, taking another deep breath through his nose and grabbing her left wrist with both of his hands as he pulled away and looked at her.

"I love you, El. And I can't lose you," he whispered loud enough for her to hear over the pitter-patter of the rain hitting the dirt, observing the way her eyebrows drew together and her eyes softened.

It wasn't the first time he had said those words since that moment at Surfer Boy's Pizza, but it had been during sweet, romantic moments where they gazed lovingly into each other's eyes. This time was unlike the others, maybe more impactful than some of those prior, and he could see that recognition within El's stare.

She shook her head and gave him a sad smile, and he was afraid she was about to burst into tears again as she reached up to touch his cheek with one of her hands. "Mike," she sighed out shakily, "I love you, too." El glanced down and wet her lips, eyes trailing back up to his. "I'm sorry."

Mike hushed her, touching her forehead with his. "You don't have to be, El." He gave her head a kiss. "I know how much this means to you, trust me, I do." He pressed a kiss to her temple. "But you know how hard this is for me, too, right?" He placed his lips to her forehead. "I don't know if I can stand to do this again." He kissed each of her cheeks. "I don't know if I can let you go off on your own again." He gave her nose a kiss. "I want to be by your side this time, El." He touched their foreheads and noses together, rubbing them together twice. "I want to be by your side through everything." He fixated his eyes on hers to read her reaction, unblinking.

When she fluttered her eyelashes against his slowly, he felt his world complete, and he silently thanked her, and himself, for the way they learned to communicate their love through touch alone.

[imjustli]

so ive been thinking a lot about God and like my christianity and everything and i've decided perhaps it'll do me good to get the perspective of someone else who's also christian ?

yeah . so there's no doubt in my mind that God exists honestly. i really do think he's up there. it's just that im not sure about a couple of stuff

like with job in the old testament. that dude was like the Ultimate follower of God. sooooo good at following all the commandments and everything. he loved God with everything he had

and then as a test God decides to allow the devil take it all away. just to see what job does. & satan takes all his money his animals his health. he even kills off his kids (all of which God authorized)

and yeah job is faithful to the very fucking end and gets everything back (twofold ? tenfold ? can't remember which)

he even gets new children. which is where my main problem is with the story tbh

what about his old children ? did God not consider the fact that job might miss them a whole fucking lot ? that he might not want new children just his old ones ? and they died all because of a test of job's unwavering faithfulness . which God only engaged in to prove the devil wrong

why'd he do that anyway ? he's God . he knows the devil was wrong he coulda just ignored him ?? instead of letting him kill some innocent children for the sake of a test he already knew job was going to pass with flying fucking colors

like with abraham and isaac the kid was never gonna die and that was a test of Abraham's faith and like obedience but with job there was no hesitation

i feel dirty even questioning this rn bc im not supposed to have questions or opinions im just supposed to take everything as it is but i don't think i can do that

& i can ask this and people go "it's the old testament it doesn't matter" but then you have ananias and sapphira who died the fucking minute they lied and that's in the new testament . and that isn't exactly rampant in like present day but it is kinda scary

plus my mother's church always brings up 2 timothy 3:15-17 so like All scripture is still useful and applicable even the fucked up parts of the old testament that say to kill people for the littlest fucking things (not that they go through with it but y'know)

im not 100% sure what im asking here . i guess job's story (plus a million more in the bible) unnerve me. if someone as god-fearing as he was still gets subjected to all the shit he did just for a fucking test then what about the rest of us ? if i follow God's word to a T and he decides to test me by taking away people that matter so fucking much to me then am i supposed to be okay with that ??

all this stuff just makes it kinda hard for me to pray the way i used to y'know ? or to pray at all. it fucking sucks

I'll give this a go, but I was raised mostly atheist, and aside from choir and confirmation, my current university bible study group is the only christian stuff I've actually been involved in. So full disclosure, I have no idea what I'm doing. But I feel God's presence and i know Him about as well as I can as of now.

So first of all, there's 4 things I try to keep in mind when reading the bible:

The bible wasn't written by God, it was written by humans about their experiences with God

That was a really fucking long time ago

As such, the way my university priest put it, each passage should be read as part of the whole, rather than each sentance as exactly, verbatim, the word of God

Also, christianity/the bible/any at some point popular faith really, has often been used by powerful people as a tool to maintain/gain power, and that has caused alteration to the bible

I don't personally think that just going along with everything that happens to you as "God's plan" and never questioning it, is sustainable. Like yeah sure the bible says not to test God, but like. As stated previously, the bible has been used to keep people submitting to authority, so from an earthly source critical perspective, it should probably be questioned how much of this actually was in there from the beginning. And just in general being completely trusting can be dangerous, and sure God would have some understanding of that. He created us after all.

Not to mention, everyone probably has a very different relationship with God (like we've had an insane amount of wars over what relationship is the right one, but the answer is probably most of them), and those are deeply personal and connected to the specific circumstances of each person's experiences and understanding of themselves.

I doubt that was the reason Job got what happened to him, but I guess being a little to easy could be an option lol.

To be honest, there also are parts of the bible I just don't agree with politically, and the way children are often seen as accessories to the "main character" of a certain part is definitely one of them. I'm not sure there is any positive interpretation of this honestly, aside that it might just be a testament of the time. Though it's often still like that now, so idk.

Another option for why all of this happened to him, is that he simply deserved it. Like yeah sure, he is To be honest, there also are parts of the bible I just don't agree with politically, and the way children are often seen as accessories to the "main character" of a certain part is definitely one of them. I'm not sure there is any positive interpretation of this honestly, aside that it might just be a testament of the time. Though it's often still like that now, so idk.

Another option for why all of this happened to him, is that he simply deserved it. Like yeah sure, he is supposedly God's most loyal follower, but we never actually see that. It is written that he sacrifices a lamb for his children, etc, does all these rituals. But it's not really written why he actually deserves to have his prayers answered (full disclosure, while I was aware of the story, I've never actually read it. So I had a lot of homework to do for this post. I'll get to some of it further down, but I might've missed some).

I'm not sure I fully believe you need to earn God's love, or even His protection, but that is definitely an option. But what that means is that it's possible that the reason Job was tested, was to see if he would still be loyal if he didn't have everything he could want.

Also (NIV) Job 11:4, Zophar says to Job: "You say to God, 'My beliefs are flawless and I am pure to your sight'" [my swedish bible (B2000) says moreso something like: "You think you bring the truth, and that you are flawless in front of God". Which is another reason why each Bible verse can't be read verbatim. Since although those two says similar things, they are not synonymous]. And NIV Job 11:6: "and disclose to you the secrets of wisdom, for true wisdom has two sides. Know this: God has even forgotten some of your sin." [B2000: "He could reveal the hidden depth of wisdom -- there is wisdom in double measurements. Then you'd understand God doesn't demand all your debt."] These are both indicative of Job not actually being as good as he is portrayed, suggesting he kinda brought all his misery on himself (or at least some of it). Elihu also says something similar in chapters 33-37.

In Job 31, he talks a lot about why he doesn't deserve everything the devil did to him, but it feels kinda... idk. Less? Considering he starts of chapter 30 by talking about the people he disregards. Like he clearly truly believes he is in the right, but there's several chapters explaining why he's not.

I'm not sure where I heard this, but I remeber being told that the devil was originally just a personification of the greed and selfishness humans experience. But if that's who the devil is, it further suggests he let his greed (or judging by Job 38-39, it was moreso his hubris and self-centerdness) control him, and that's why he lost everything.

Yeah, the ending doesn't really sit right with me either. I guess he realised his mistakes and passed the test, and therefor deserved it all back. But like you said, the thing about his kids dying and him getting new ones doesn't really feel right. Human connection can be recreated but it will not be fully the same. I really don't have an answer for why this happened, other than that it's a really old story. I also wish we'd actually find out he'd learned.

I don't know if this makes sense, or if it's even what you were asking. I'm still learning what it actually means to be christian, at the moment i just have a vague feeling of a higher presence and a barely read bible, so I have a lot left to figure out.

To my followers and mutuals that have done the entire christian-thing for longer: do you have anything you'd like to add? Feel free to disagree with me completely

[hearteyesmcgarrett]

20 questions for writers! Thanks @frostysfrenzy 💙💙

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

46, which feels impossible to believe

2. What's your total ao3 word count?

97,544 (which is also hard to believe)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Primarily Stargate, Leverage, and Hawaii Five-0, but there will be more Grimm fics coming

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Five Times Parker Proposes (ot3)

You Save Me (mcdanno)

I've got my heart (strung up on clothing line) (mcdanno)

In this moment, you are everything (mcdanno)

Kiss the boy (eliot/hardison)

I actually didnt realize these were the top 5, and im kind of surprised. tbh I'd say I've got my heart and five times parker proposes would be my faves out of these 5

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes!! I adore comments and try to reply to them all

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I basically refuse to write angsty endings lmao but I guess reading up on black holes just for the long term emotional consequences? or I could see myself dying for you because they clearly got Fucked Up

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I refuse to write a non-happy ending alkjflskjdf but oh i love the glow delights me

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not so far, tho one turned out to be... a Topic in a discord server

9. Do you write smut?

yup! the stargate kinkmeme changed me as a person

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've ever written?

I have done one, which was a leverage/h50 crossover purely for my own enjoyment

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that i know of

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

not that i know of

13. Have you ever co written a fic?

No, but I'd be down with certain authors

14. What's your all time favourite ship?

tied between mcdanno and mcshep and leverage ot3 honestly

15. What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I haven't even started it but i have a stargate baseball AU tentatively planned out

16. What are your writing strengths?

honestly i feel like when i feel a character I feel them and the dialogue is very in character and plausible

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

i am incapable of writing anything longer than like 2 chapters

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i feel like it often comes across weirdly (when done by someone who doesnt speak that language) so i avoid it. there are some characters and situations where it is done well, but i avoid it

19. First fandom you wrote for?

CSI Miami i think? yes i know thats embarrassing

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

honestly im not sure. maybe ive got my heart? its such a good trope and i love those two idiots so much

also i was doing this while watching a hockey game in another tab and without fucking fail, they scored every time i was on here. I MISSED FIVE GOALS what the fuck

anyways, i think all of my writer friends have already done this??? so if you haven't, consider yourself tagged

[bbbeowulf]

YIPPEE I HOPE EVERYONE HAD A GREAT HOLIDAY SEASON AND HAS A HAPPY NEW YEARRRRR!!!!

I have a lot of art resolutions that I wanna get through this year so I figured I would share them with all of you… VIA BINGO CARD!!

Bingo card inspired by AlmaKRowan on Twitter/X!!

List and explanations below the cut!!

Architecture: I want to learn how to draw buildings, rooms, etc.!!

Adopts: I want to make adopts!!

KOI character refs: Reference sheets for the characters in my story “Knights of Irene”!!

ArtFight: I’m gonna aim for 20 attacks/revenges, but we’ll see!!

GraVT piece: a group picture of the indie VTuber group I’m in, GraVT!!

Animated Illustration: I’VE BEEN WANTING TO DO THIS FOR YEARS MY TIME IS NOW

Animal studies: learn how to draw animals better

PNGtuber+ comm: I made one for myself (see it HERE) but I want someone to commission me for one >:,(

VTuber redesign: potentially maybe redesign my VTuber (even tho I literally just killed myself making the PNG+ model but WHATEVER IM ON DRUGS IG)

Leo TOTIKFR animatic: animatic for my OC Leo to the song “The Only Thing I Know For Real” by Tyson Yen

Digital painting: IVE BEEN WANTING TO LEARN HOW TO DIGITALLY PAINT/RENDER BUT I CANNOT WRAP MY HEAD AROUND IT BUT I WANNA TRYYY

Holiday YCH: YCH comms for major holidays!!

Snow Fairy MAP: I have a part in @jurygarroth’s Snow Fairy MAP so I need to get that done :D

Art Prints: I WANNA SELL ART PRINTS RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bug studies: I wanna learn how to draw bugs :3c

OC sticker sheets: I wanna make (AND SELL) sticker sheets of my OCs (and maybe other fandom characters like MLP and stuff!! We’ll see.)

RP movie posters: movie poster style illustrations of my active role plays!!

DTIYS: I WANNA MAKE ONE AND PEOPLE PARTICIPATE PLZZZZ 😭😭 JUST ONE PERSON PLZ I BEG

Emotes: re-do my twitch/discord emotes

Sell canvases @ gallery: I have an art gallery in my town that I wanna apply for and sell some irl artwork!!

YCH comms: more YCH comms!!

Lobelia lore animatic: lore animatic for my VTuber

Pose studies: learn how to draw poses better

KOI cover: book cover for “Knights of Irene”

Abaddon Webcomic: this is a HARD maybe, but I’ve tried to make this webcomic happen 2 or 3 different times and I always got sick and tired of it before I got ANYWHERE with it. I think if I take it in more of a mini comic approach like Shen or Merryweather!!

There are a few more ideas I had that I didn’t put on my bingo!!

Leo’s Final Form: conceptualize Leo’s final form and draw the finalized version

Backgrounds: get better at drawing backgrounds

Foliage: get better at drawing foliage

Color Theory: learn color theory

Interesting shading: play around with colors and shade with different colors perhaps to make it pop?

Aphmau art: draw more Aphmau art

KOI: Finish planning out KOI and potentially start writing it? It’s not art in the sense of it being written not drawn but whatever I wanna do this

Commissions: keep doing commissions! I wanna try to do at least 20 this year 👉👈

Art trades: do some art trades with people outside of ArtFight!!

Art raffle: do an art raffle 🧍

Draw my FRIENDSSS: I WANNA DRAW MY FRIENDS WAHHHHHHHHHH

GET HIRED BY YORUNOMACHI: *on my hands and knees sobbing, begging, throwing up*

Do Aphtober/Cringetober/some form of tober AND FINISH: I doubt I’ll finish lmfao

Make OC profiles on UnVale: it’s like toyhouse but it doesn’t make me want to kms when using it

Learn VTuber Rigging: I just wanna know how to do it :3

Anyways I’m sure there’s more but this is just a list of everything I can think of off the top of my head! A week from now I might decide to not do any of this LMFAO! But we’ll see how much I actually do this year!! Yippee!!

Happy new year everyone!!