#anyways interaction is. absolute shit save for a few people whom i love but also

[astrxealis]

i do not like tumblr much anymore again :(( anyways important stuff in the tags! but tldr just hmu if you want my discord or twitter, won't be gone from here completely but yeah <3

[best-enemies]

I have to write an actual review on Gallifrey TW4 for the podcast I’m in but I have a writer’s block, so here are some of my thoughts on the box because I need to yell about it somewhere and my friends are pissed that I keep yelling on twitter. Spoilers ahead!

Don’t expect anything coherent to come out of this post I’m just going to throw stuff in this post and if you get it you get it lol. It’s not like I have fully recovered from the blow anyway... 

Deception is a great introdution to the box and probably one of the best Gallifrey audios. I hate it when the OT4 gets separated (and that it happens all the time!), and in this case it happens between Narvin and Leela. However, it’s always great to see Leela working on her own and interacting with other people. When she tried to save those people from the resistance, the way she dealt with the situation even when she felt lost because she couldn’t trust her senses - a tool Leela values a lot as a warrior and a hunter - was absolutely incredible and it reminded me (not that I could ever forget that) of how much I love and admire her. 

Listening to them being inside the distortion field felt like a really bad trip 

All I could think throughout the box and not just Deception is that Leela had a crush on Eris and man I can’t blame her at all not only he was a great guy he’s really good looking and I got a crush on him too akshdashdkjaks

I don’t think I say this enough, but I really like Livia. She’s not evil, she just makes a lot of bad choices and she has this problem of being too much on the fence, which is not the characteristic of a true leader. She was never one. But still, even if I don’t remember the content of the earlier audios she’s in I’ve always liked her. And I liked that she finally chose a side in the end. I mean, she did when she helped the resistance, and that was a good beginning.

 Also can I interest you with my headcanon that she was Romana’s girlfriend at the Academy and they broke up? Lol Anyways, when she heard that Romana had “died” she was shocked and later on complimented her as a person and I kind of wish we saw more of them on good terms

Now, on Dissolution: I love Narvin. That’s pretty much it lol. Before starting Gallifrey my friend gave me a spoiler which was basically, “you’re gonna love Narvin”. Well, at first I really liked his voice - it was funny and cute and voices are an important thing to me. Of course, even if he seemed funny to me, unfortunately he was a total xenophobic asshole. He had convictions, he had layers which made him very interesting, but still, an asshole. Which makes me really proud to see how far he has come, how much he’s grown. When he joined Romana’s side I soon realized that my friend was right; Narvin had one of the best redemption arcs I’ve ever seen. He went from Romana’s political rival, if I could put it that way, to one of her most trusted allies and best friends. And he found out that he could still fight for and protect his home, but using the right tools, doing it the right way. Dissolution showed that contrast between the old Narvin and what he wanted and the new Narvin, and honestly? I could almost call this episode a moment of relief amongst the chaos. Narvin has become one of my favorite characters in the Whoniverse and one of my all time favorites as well.

Alright... now we get to Beyond *deep breaths*. So let’s start from the beginning, shall we? I spent months since listening to Unity living in a total hell not knowing if Romana was alive or not. I couldn’t believe that that was her ending, that she wouldn’t show up again for their last hurrah, and that my favorite companion ever was gone forever. But then, BF announced the cover, and the description for the episodes, and her name came up, and I could finally breath. My friend and I started theorizing that maybe Braxiatel had dematerialized the TARDIS around her and saved her in the last second - which is kind of what happened, I mean, the description said he wasn’t ready to give up on her! So they go to that place called Beyond, and shit happens. Those ravenous bitches were there eating people and shit. They even ate Narvin - I almost started crying in the middle of the bus, telling myself he wasn’t our Narvin, but he was a Narvin and it still hurt. I wanted to fight those ravenous myself. And not just that, Romana went through hell watching Leela die in front of her, and her reaction was really heartbreaking. 

Aaand that kind of brings me to a point here, something that bothered me. Romana and Brax, as always, spent the audio bickering a little, but they had their moments as well. Like when Brax says that it’s good to see her smile again, when he says (sorry I don’t remember it word by word) something like, she couldn’t die and that she’s supposed to be the best of the Time Lords, when she calls him her friend, and when she asks with a soft voice if he’s coming back to Gallifrey. And it was sweet. Like, they have a lot of issues, but they also have good feelings towards each other. Despite everything they care about each other, and it shows. Which is why I got really confused about Romana’s reaction when Brax was eaten by the ravenous. I remember I even thought she wasn’t around when it happened, that he had left and was somewhere else (I have a little difficulty paying attention), but then my friend said she was. So I was like... wait, she saw her friend, whom she’s known for most of her life (and more than she can even remember) die in a truly horrible way and didn’t even react to that? I’m not blaming Romana, I think this is really out of character for her. She may have difficulty expressing her feelings but she would never, ever react so coldly to the death of a friend. 

Now, on Brax’s death... I was really devastated. At first, as always I got confused and thought the older Brax was an older version of him, somehow. Even if he died, I was like, this is confusing, but it’s Brax? So I was weary, but still, I thought “well at least he’s safe now, on another universe in the Beyond”. But then my friend said “no, that’s an alternative Brax, the one we know is dead”. And that’s when I felt my stomach drop. IT HURT SO BAD. I’ll be honest and say I don’t know everything about Brax, or about the depth of his character, I’m still very early on the Benny audios and only have listened to him on Gally and a few audios here and there. People who have more knowledge on him say that the way he was written wasn’t really accurate, and that can be true, but I won’t get into that because I don’t know for myself. Still, Brax is one of the best and most interesting characters I’ve ever known. I loved him from the beginning. I got mad at him so many times during the series, felt as betrayed as Romana did, heard about a lot of dark shit he’s done, but still I could never hate him. I got a little bit too attached to him, which is why his death felt absurd and unnecessarily cruel. I don’t think for a moment that Brax deserved that, as I said I don’t know everything about him but something in my heart tells me that things could’ve gone another way. I knew he could die in the finale but not like this. And it’s a bit hard to put into words how much I hate the ending he got and how much I’ll miss him. I just hope he comes back, I mean, he always does, BF writers need to figure something out I don’t even care lol

I had to edit the post because my dumb ass forgot about one of my favorite and at the same time one of the most bittersweet moments of Beyond: Brax asking about the Doctor and saying leaving Gallifrey was a “family thing”. I love them and there isn’t enough stuff out there from the Lungbarrow siblings for me. He talks so fondly of the Doctor and now all I think about is that he never mentioned him in the series but thought of him on the last hours of his life... brb I’m gonna go cry in the bathroom

Oh god. Okay, Homecoming. I’ll start on a light note and say some stuff about Hot Rassilon: Richard Armitage nailed it. I’ve always liked him as an actor and I got thrilled when he was announced. His voice is like, the one I want to hear when I get my name called up in Heaven - or Hell, which is where I’m going - and his speeches were really powerful. Still, I wish they could’ve given him more to do. Of course, I understand that this is where they wanted to go with him - Hot Rassilon going batshit crazy and calling himself a god and coming up with some stupid fanfiction about the Time Lords becoming gods of everything, yada yada. I loved his interactions with the Dalek Emperor, the first thing I thought (besides the fact that it was really funny) was that it showed two despots with a god complex playing chess with the universe and discarding their people as garbage, fighting for their own personal power and not for the collective. Of course, I don’t expect the Daleks to care about each other - they want to spread throughout the galaxies and gain absolute power, not bring social well-being to their own. But that should apply to the Time Lord Society, and we see that Hot Rassilon doens’t give a flying fuck about that. 

I feel like I should reinforce the fact that I actually hate Rassilon. I call him hot but I hate him. I can do both

Once again, I need to point out the emotional moments between the galligang. It all felt so off. As someone pointed out here (sorry, I saw the post but don’t recall who said it now): it’s a war and there’s little time for grief, however, it’s not like they’re just grieving the loss of a group of people they’re not familiar with. The galligang are the closest thing they have to a family with each other. They’ve been through all sorts of things together, created a deep bond and have crossed the universe to find each other. And then, that Dalek ship blows up, with Narvin still in it, and... nothing. Leela even asked Romana if they could’ve done something and she says if the bracelet thingy had been working he would’ve come back already. And that’s it. At first I didn’t even understand, I was like “wait, he was really still inside the ship? And it blew up?”, because once again, I couldn’t tell from the way they reacted, I was only sure when they had that exchange. And of course, I started sobbing, because my favorite character was dead. I guess the writers wanted to focus on the war and political aspects and shit but did they forget that Gallifrey was about these three specific people and that their relationship was the core of the series, not just the politics? 

Okay, moving on. Leela and Romana once again end up on Gallifrey and run into Hot Rassilon. Did I mention I found him a bit scary? Well, I did mark me down as scared & horny.

Aaaaaand he decides to lock Romana up in a pocket universe. It surprised me, because I thought he would execute her. I find that he wanted to do that because Romana was the president who wanted to take Gallifrey into the future, to make it a prosperous and advanced society who left all their fears of the unknown and prejudices behind. And now he locked her up in the past. Get it? I don’t know, maybe that’s just me, but this was the first thing I thought. But I cannot even begin to tell you all how RELIEVED I am that she’s alive, and that there could be a possibility - even if a very tiny one - that she could escape. It’s Doctor Who, so everything is possible. EDIT: Now I’m sad because Leela will die after the end of the Time War and Romana will know about that, and all her friends are gone, and she believes the Doctor isn’t the man she once knew so she can’t rely on him, and she’s alone, and I’m FUMING because I’m still processing the whole thing and I hadn’t realized that. She’s totally alone and now I’m crying once again. I HATE IT HERE

As for Leela, I want to see what’s next for her. I haven’t gotten into the other Time War stuff yet, this is my first introduction to the actual thing, but I heard that she’s gonna fight alongside the War Doctor and might be on the War Doctor Begins boxset. But man listening to her and Romana having to depart like that broke my heart. And now I know that she’ll be protecting Gallifrey because of Romana, because Romana represents the best in Gallifrey.

*Phew* okay, that was a lot. I don’t even know if I covered everything, but I managed to make more sense than I thought I would at the beginning of this post. I don’t know man I’ve been crying for hours, went to sleep at 2am crying because of Narvin and Brax and woke up at 7am and my first thought was them, dying again... I don’t even know anymore, I guess I’ll either focus on uni and my job or curl up into a ball and cry for the rest of my life lolololol

Now I want to write a post with my theories on how the entire galligang is alive and in the epilogue in my head they have reunited and are all living together happily. Maybe it’ll be my next post.

[imagine-loki]

Gifted

TITLE: Gifted (Sequel to Giftless)

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: 13/?

AUTHOR: nekoamamori ORIGINAL IMAGINE: 

Imagine that you are Stark’s niece and you secretly share a strong relationship with Loki since he entered the crew. One day you get hurt so bad during a mission that you are about to die.  Loki knows a spell that will save you and share his immortality with you but you and he will be linked forever sharing thoughts, pain, emotions…

RATING: T NOTES/WARNINGS:  Also on AO3 click here

You woke to Loki absently petting your hair. He was sitting next to you on the bed with a book in one hand. You looked up at him and smiled blissfully. It was definitely a great way to wake up from a nap. He looked down at you when you moved. “Apologies, darling. I did not mean to wake you,” he said with a soft smile. 

You sat up and kissed him softly. “It’s not a problem. What’cha reading?” you asked curiously.  You were one of the few people who could get away with interrupting his reading without getting snarled at.

“One of the books Mother sent with more information about the soulbond. I admit that I had not done much research on it previously. It had not seemed necessary,” he said sheepishly. He felt he should’ve known more about it before he performed the ceremony to bind you to him for eternity.  

“What? You haven’t read all of the books in the library already?” you teased, grinning up at him.  

He laughed, amused and not hurt by your teasing. “I was going to have to wake you soon anyway, darling. It is nearly time for dinner. Are you up to going?” he asked gently. 

You nodded; you wouldn’t skip it even if you didn’t feel up to going. Loki’s family was expecting to see you there.  Loki knew that about you and gave you a look.  “I actually feel up to it and I’m not just saying it,” you promised. Annoying Trickster boyfriend knew you too well. He grinned at you and it just felt so comfortable and like home to be with him. You could tell he loved how comfortable your interactions were too.

“Then we should get ready,” he said and set his book on the table next to his bed before reluctantly climbing out of the comfortable bed. He offered you a hand to help you out and you let him pull you to your feet. 

He held you for a minute, wrapped in his arms, then let his magic flow over you both to summon you outfits for dinner. You ended up in a soft black gown with blue accents and soft black ballet flats. Loki sat you down in the chair in his room and brushed out your hair. He enjoyed braiding it, so you let him and didn’t complain. In exchange, you got to braid his. It was a fair trade and one you enjoyed immensely.  His design for your hair was simple that night. He swapped places with you when he was done without you having to ask. You brushed his hair out carefully and began work, tying his hair into a half ponytail, leaving a few pieces to frame his face. Before he could see what you were doing, you pulled a dagger from the sheath you wore on your wrist when you was wearing a dress. You cut a lock from the underside of your hair at the nape of your neck where no one would be able to tell it was missing, and braided it in to his hair in a lovelock on the left side of his head, right above his shoulder. You grinned when you were finished. He looked so shocked when he saw it in the mirror. your bright comic-book red hair was obvious braided in with his raven black hair. “What did you-?”

“It is called a lovelock. In ancient times men braided a lock of their loved one’s hair in with theirs, to show their devotion. It was always on the left side, on the heart’s side,” you explained easily.  You had been planning on doing this when you came back to Asgard once you had read about the tradition. It was a tradition on Asgard as well as an old Viking one.  The vikings had gotten it from somewhere after all. You saw the emotion in his eyes and the absolute love. 

He stood and kissed you deeply, seeming to think that the only way to express his gratitude for such a gift.  “Then I shall wear it with pride,” he finally replied when the kiss was broken. You had to take a moment to catch your breath as you beamed up at him.  He offered you his arm and escorted you to dinner. He stood so tall and proud, and you caught him fingering the braid more than once during your walk.

“I haven’t looked,” you admitted softly, breaking the comfortable silence. “Are my eyes still really black?” you asked him, unsure you really wanted the answer. 

He inclined his head. “It will fade eventually,” he replied, trying to sound reassuring.

“Won’t the people be…freaked out by it?” you asked, concerned it would look bad on Loki or something. You still didn’t know all the rules of being on Asgard, despite studying the culture.  

Loki chuckled and shook his head. “No, most of our people know enough about magic and mages to know exactly what it means,” he replied easily. You weren’t reassured, but didn’t have much choice. You had to go to dinner; it was expected. At least you could use your black eyes as an excuse to leave quickly if you needed to. 

You were announced when you entered the dining room and took our seats at the head table with Odin, Frigga, Thor, and his wife Sif. They were all wearing black as well, though less than your mostly black dress. You needed to show your mourning of Torun, since you had been gone for the last year.

Dinner was enjoyable, though Sif kept fretting over your eyes. You promised her that you were alright. Multiple times. You thought she and Frigga were going to sic Thor on you if they even thought you were misbehaving and not resting. It was so very different from your family back home, who kept abusing your healing abilities.

“Sister, what have you been doing on Midgard while Loki has been stuck here?” Thor asked at one point during the meal. You had the feeling that he was trying to find out how you’d gotten in such a state.  

“I’ve been going to school to learn to be a proper healer,” you told him with a smile.   It was the easiest explanation for the Asgardians of your major in college. 

He nodded in appreciation.  “That is a difficult profession, an admirable ambition,” he raised his mug of beer in salute. 

You smiled and gave him a small nod, accepting the praise. “Lo, are there any good medical books in the library?” you asked Loki while you were thinking about it. He would know and you didn’t want to forget.  You were here to rest and would have plenty of time to read.

Loki nodded. “I will show you where they are,” he offered.

“Lo?” Thor boomed in laughter at the nickname.  You and Loki both turned red. “You let her call you Lo? He will not let any of us get away with that! We have tried for centuries to give him a nickname. Good job, little sister!” Thor continued laughing. Even Sif and Frigga smiled.

“Sorry, Loki,” you told him softly. You hadn’t meant for him to get called out on it.

“You will pay for that, kitten,” he whispered in your ear. You stiffened, hearing a different voice using that word instead of his. A voice from too many years ago and a scene of the fire flashed in your memory, coming unbidden to your mind.

“Loki, please pick a different nickname,” you told him softly. He looked concerned, afraid he’d hurt you.  You shook your head. “Dad used to call me that. He was the only one who could get away with it,” you told him, smiling fondly at the memory, now that you weren’t caught off guard with it.  

“Very well,” he replied, concern vanishing with your explanation. “But I will find one, and use it, in front of all of these nice people,” he threatened. 

You couldn’t help laughing at the absurdity of his threat.  “Whatever you say, Lo,” you grinned at him and it took every ounce of your willpower to not stick your tongue out at him. You were at a formal dinner after all, even if their formal rules were a bit lax. 

A nervous looking girl approached the head table towards the end of dinner. All the attention turned to her. “Yes, dear?” Frigga asked. She was one of the least intimidating of all of you.

“My queen, the theater troupe I am apprenticed to wished to invite your family to our show this evening. We are performing a new play,” the girl stammered. It had taken all of her courage to approach and say the words. Even Odin softened at the adorable girl.

“Unfortunately, my husband and I already have an engagement this evening, but I am sure the Princes and their Ladies will be glad to see your show. Right?” Frigga asked Thor and Loki, both of whom agreed graciously. The girl curtsied and promised you would have seats set aside for us.

You left the dinner shortly afterwards so you could make it to the theater. The four of you made an impressive procession all done up in your dinner finery. The second you entered the theater, you were led to the best seats in the house. You ended up sitting between Loki and Thor, which was perfectly ok with you. Sif kept looking over at you like the three of you were going to cause all sorts of trouble. You planned no such thing, but trouble kept managing to find you anyway.

The theater filled in around you and soon the chimes announced that the show was ready to start. The crowd grew silent to watch the show.  You had no idea what the show was, just that it was new. 

Whatever your assumptions were, they were so very, very, very wrong.

It started with actors playing Balder and Loki departing Asgard for their adventure. Are they doing what I think they’re doing? you thought loudly at Loki. You couldn’t use your telepathy with your powers bound, but you’d learned before you had powers a trick for thinking in a certain way so Loki could hear you and he could reply with his telepathy.

/By the norns, I think they are…/ Loki replied, just as shocked as you were.

The actors went to Midgard in their play and Balder tried to take it over, stopped by Loki and warriors, who you assumed were supposed to be the Avengers. You clutched onto Loki’s hand to keep from laughing aloud.

/Oh, shit. They must have gotten the story… oh no/ Loki thought with a hint of panic in his tone.

What? What story did they get?

/I fulfilled the terms of my ‘banishment’ by having an adventure and making my own way. I found my soulbond and together we defeated a worthy adversary, Balder. I am free to move back home if I so choose. I did not tell you yet, since it did not affect anything. I do not have to make any choices, yet, but I had to tell Mother and Father the tale of my adventure. The theater troupe must have gotten ahold of it/

Fuck. 

That was the only thought you had. That thought was repeated multiple times throughout the evening, as well as some other colorful words in both English and Asgardian. Especially when the actress playing you appeared on the stage. Thor elbowed you when she did. You just wanted to hide. They really did have the whole story, how you were just a little powerless Midgardian girl who befriended Loki and how you fell in love.

When they got to the scene where you acquired your super powers. You thought your nails left marks in Loki’s hand. Thankfully, your actress was screaming off stage during it and the act of trauma that had blasted open your powers was only heavily implied. You wouldn’t have been able to stand watching it. You could barely stand remembering it as you watched Loki’s actor and the one playing Tony run across the stage to come to your actress’ aid.

/I had no idea they were doing this. I am so sorry, darling/ Loki told you as you crushed his hand tighter in yours. You realized that you was doing the same thing to poor Thor’s hand. You saw his expression harden in concern when you had grabbed his hand. You tried to soften your grip, but he shifted his hand so he was holding yours. It wasn’t romantic, it was comforting and you gave him a small appreciative smile. He squeezed your hand in reply.

They even did, in great detail, the scene where you nearly died and Loki saved you with the soulbond. That scene was hard to watch too. Especially since they recreated it in perfect detail. Thor squeezed your hand again. You felt his concern then and realized he hadn’t known this part of the story. You remembered that he hadn’t been there when Loki had told Odin and Frigga what happened. You squeezed Loki’s hand in reassurance when you saw tears in his eyes as he remembered watching you nearly die in his arms.

At least they did justice to your final battle with Balder. It was a spectacular battle across the stage. They changed some timeline of the events around so they could end with your official soulbond ceremony on Asgard.

There were cheers from the crowd when the play was over. You all stood and applauded politely and took bows when the actors indicated you in their thanks. You said the expected polite nice things to the actors and congratulated their hard work. Loki and Thor made your apologies for not staying longer, reminding them that you were still ill. They believed it from your black eyes.

The four of you left the theater, much more subdued than you had entered it. “What’s wrong with all of you?” Sif asked, dropping some of her formality with the late hour and concern. None of you spoke for a long minute.

“That was…all real,” you finally managed to answer. “A little exaggerated at parts, but all real.” you told her. She hadn’t known. She thought it was a play, a make believe version of events. You wrapped both of your arms around Loki’s waist as you walked. Thor touched your shoulder. You looked up at him and gave him a small smile.

“I’ll be ok, Thor,” you told him. “Just a little unsettled. I wasn’t expecting that,”

“None of us were,” he reassured you.  You nodded at what he wasn’t saying. He would have warned you, would have declined for you, had he known what was in the play. 

“It was not a bad show…” Loki admitted after another long minute.  

“It would have been better if we had been prepared,” Thor grumbled. You walked awhile longer before he changed the subject.  “Are you two planning on staying in your suite tonight, or should you be expecting to have to go find you at 3am?” he asked. You appreciated that he was trying to lighten the mood.

“You will find out at 3am,” Loki replied with a shit-eating grin.

“Library or kitchens?” you asked innocently.

“Maybe the gardens tonight,” he mused

“You two are going to be the death of me,” Thor chuckled.

“The roof?” you asked Loki.

“Maybe the catacombs,”

“Isn’t the vault down there?”

You continued your innocent banter all the way back to the family wing. Your suites were fairly close to each other. “Nice braid,” Thor finally commented. Loki touched his braid self-consciously, but grinned at his brother. You saw the pride in his eyes.

“It was a gift from my beloved,” Loki replied. Thor saw the pride and joy in Loki’s eyes and didn’t try to tease him anymore. Instead, he clapped Loki on the shoulder, then took your hand to kiss it.

“You two sleep well so I do not have to come hunting you down,” Thor bid you warmly.

“Night, Thor, Sif,” you waved to them. Loki bid them goodnight and you continued down the hall to your own suite.

“Are you sure you are alright?” Loki asked once you were safely in your suite.

“I’m fine, Lo,” you replied. He rolled his eyes at the reminder of the conversation from earlier. You just laughed and went to find something to wear to bed. It was late and you both needed sleep. You ended up in the same tunic of Loki’s you had worn earlier and he joined you in the bed a minute later. He had let his hair down, but refused to remove the one small braid that had the cut lock of your hair braided into it. You smiled at it and at him before curling up with him to get some sleep.

[kangseluigi]

ANOTHER personal post bc I deleted my facebook since no one reads that shit anyway and I need to let it out somewhere so THERE

I am…deeply damaged, by many things, but especially by my first “real” fandom???

Like, yea, I was hardcore into like Sailor Moon and Pokemon and Britney and shit as a kid, but that doesn’t really count for me. The first real fandom to me, was the first one I really spent my own money on, on merch, concerts etc. The one I was pushed into bc a “friend” tried to use it to exclude me from her talks with her best friend, so I had to learn it all v quickly to keep up with them and not be excluded every. single. time we spent time together. Her friend was cool with me and just focussed on topics we could all talk about or would explain things I didn’t get, but the other one, wow.

And now that I’m saying it, I realise how much deeper it goes than i realised.

I learned all that cryptic shit about the band within days and learned every song, which album it’s on, downloaded a whole bunch of pictures and forced myself to become obsessed within a week or less, just so I could join their talks. Of course that didn’t help me, because she only became annoyed with that and ended up mocking me for being too obsessed and all kinds of shit, or would change the topic to another thing I wasn’t involved in, like their shared trip to Paris, which I would never be able to catch up on.

And nowadays, I sill have a habit of forcing myself to “learn” fandoms in days and after 24-36 hours of obsessing (sometimes with a little pre-game/getting to know phase these days though) I just become so fuckin burned out I cannot enjoy it for at least another full day, sometimes a week or anywhere in between. It sucks.

But the whole situation, having been forced into it only to be ridiculed again, ended up pushing me even deeper into that fandom, because I guess, in the beginning, I thought if I love it enough, it will get me accepted as a real fan, but of course things only got worse. More people thought i had lost it for being that obsessed with the band, having no other topic anymore. On the other hand, the band had all these messages of their fans being their family and connection and whatnot. The kind of bullshit that a teenager with abuse at home and angry/overworked/stressed/… parents with no time for anyone would absolutely run into to feel a little taste of family and comfort.

It completely spiralled out of control. I was existing only for that stupid fucking band. I was existing entirely online and for the times I could go back online to talk in chat groups and message boards and whatever the fuck it was we had back then, to talk to other fans, some of whom actually became my friends, and stalk the shit out of that band. Any and every update had to be documented and I had to know it. Every picture, no matter how intimate. The shit I had found out about the band in the end was unhealthy! Pictures buried so deep in the web, because they were so personal, not even the most deranged fans would dare re-post them, but I ended up saving them just to be safe, just to have something. I honestly disgusted myself at that point, but I couldn’t stop, somehow. And I still find it gross, but I also know I was maybe 17 at the time I went that far out. My dad had just died, I was grieving, I was lonely more than anything, I felt like the only actual family who had still cared about me was gone, I needed something to hold on to and went into all the wrong directions.

But despite all the deeply intimate things I knew by then, there was one big issue I had somehow managed to keep missing, until they released a video for a song that upset me on such a deeply subconscious level, that I didn’t even know why, until it built up enough to cause my first real flashback.

There was a lot of drama about it within the fandom. A few of us who actually were triggered through the video into reliving our most traumatic moment, while everyone else still praised the shit out of them and told us we were just horrible for implying anything.

We didn’t imply anything. We just said we had a hard time dealing with it. But that didn’t stop threats of violence and death, even from people I was friends with until that point.

But amongst all that, one of the friends, who had already left the fandom to the most part at that point, told me the one big thing I had kept missing: The lead singer is a rapist. He especially goes for underage girls, but ultimately, it’s all the same.

There were enough stories about it out there and even if I think one or two may be made up—oddly enough the favourable ones seem the most unlikely—I think with that amount of stories, including things my friend has seen herself, it’s pretty evident that it has happened. And once that veil was lifted, I could see it. Maybe it’s my imagination, but some signs have always been there, and many people have said the same to me over time, some who knew, and some who didn’t. But that look is there, and cannot be trusted.

This whole thing just messed with me. It messed hard with me then. I had my trauma before, but I had had it well-repressed and buried so deep in my psyche only bits and pieces came bleeding through in the weirdest ways. Not enough for anyone to notice and only for me to occasionally wonder why I’m always returning to this specific topic. (Shit, I still have the hardest time using the term, especially when applied to me…) But now I also had flashbacks, and the knowledge that for the second time now, someone I thought I loved and thought—for some reason—loved me (In a way), was actually this kind of asshole, was a goddamn rapist, and had deceived me so horribly, only for me to go through the pain and trauma all over again.

I’m still thankful I had LInkin Park at the time, to be honest. I know y’all love to make fun of them, but they were there when I was bullied at 12-13 years old and felt all alone in the world, just when “Numb” came out. Translating their lyrics is how I learned english and at that point, Chester screaming in my ears alone, was often the one thing able to keep me from dissociating every 5 minutes, but moreover, he was screaming about the exact trauma that had come to the surface, that I wasn’t equipped to handle in any way, and I just knew I wasn’t alone with it, I knew he understood. It was a little comfort keeping me from losing it entirely, and it gave me some hope that if he could make it through the same bullshit and come out on top, I could, too. Of course, a few years ago that hope got shattered, but that’s another story.

The thing about this whole experience though, is that I still suffer from it. Not only can I still not look at that shitbag’s face without rage and sickness and pain—although it’s getting easier, not that I’m trying to look at him, but he’s unavoidable these days, fucking horrible. I can never listen to their songs again, not that I want to. Even karaoke versions or covers make me run out the room with massive panic attacks. Especially the songs from the same album as the song that triggered it all. The last time someone covered their song at an event I was at, I nearly threw myself off the balcony in the hotel lobby as I was trying to get away from it, because I was that terrified and in that much pain from hearing the first line alone.

And thinking about it, maybe that’s why I no longer go to events. I told myself it was finances, but i just don’t wanna run into that again. Ever. I’m so, so thankful the same friend who had informed me of it all back then was standing by on twitter to talk to me. Typing and reading is good to get your head out of it. It’s a mental and physical sensation and forces you to think of something else, even if it’s only spelling, and I could talk to her to calm tf down.

But mostly, I’m thinking about the very, very deep sitting trust Issues towards famous people and fandom I have developed through all of it. Up to this day, I cannot trust anyone who is famous. Riches being bitches is one problem, an intellectual one for me, mostly, but this is something else.

As soon as I see someone enjoying their fame—especially white men—I get suspicious, because it’s so much like him. What if they too are like him? What if they too only want fame to attain girls they can violate? What if? How could I allow myself to like someone like that ever again? How can I allow myself to fall for this stunt again? I can’t. That’s it. I see you enjoying your fame, I cannot trust you, to protect myself, if nothing else. To not accidentally promote someone who’d do those things. To not accidentally promote them to someone, who’s led right into the trap and has to endure what so many others already had to endure, what I had to endure, even if in my case it wasn’t even a famous person.

So I shy away from anyone who seems a little too “Type-A” or too joyful about their status as celebrity or… too talented, too inhuman. I don’t even know. A lot of it comes down to the eyes, and sometimes I’m definitely right, but in some cases even I am not sure if I see it, or if I’m just scared I don’t see it when I should. (Does that make sense to you?)

On the other hand, sometimes I am certain I don’t see it, and my brain goes into overdrive, running around in circles. We don’t see it, so does that mean it’s not there, or that they are that good at deceiving us? We’ve been deceived before, we failed to see it before, who says we won’t fail this time? Do we see it now? Maybe we only think we see it because we are scared and a little paranoid. But maybe-

it’s a never-ending circle. (Kind of the definition of a circle, isn’t it?)

Every time I see a famous person I want to trust be so visibly human, and warm, or shy, and just likeable, I trust them a little more, and want to trust them a little more, and that is exactly what makes the alarm bells go off in my brain! it’s ridiculous.

Yet, every time I see the same person interact with, say, a child, I freak the hell out.

This is not normal in any way, and it cannot be, and it shouldn’t be, I shouldn’t constantly be afraid of what thoughts some adult man has towards children, literal gd toddlers in frilly dresses. I cannot keep thinking that being nice to a toddler has an ulterior motive, because it’s wrecking me the hell up! Yet here I am, unable to shake those thoughts and I don’t know what to do about it, or how to feel about myself. I was angry at myself a lot today, partly because of that. But I’ve also been deeply depressed lately, partly because so much of my actual trauma came up again and again, and now it’s not going away. I cannot even listen to remix versions of that one Lady Gaga song the band once covered, because it all brings me back (and How very shitty for a rapist to cover a song by a rape survivor too). Even worse, because that song is in my workout game.

I don’t want to have to think about all this all the time anymore, I don’t want my brain to constantly suspect the worst in people, but I cannot fucking shake it off.

I know I’m getting better, generally. I know I’m breaking through some of my fears and all, but I also know I may never be ready to actually speak about this topic with another soul. Therapist or not, no one will ever achieve the level of trust I need to open up about this the slightest bit. If someone were to approach the topic (to talk about me, not themselves, that is), I’d shoot them down. I may actually fall into a panic attack and punch them and run away I don’t know. But this conversation is not going to happen, ever. So I really don’t know how to fix it, except keep fixing myself, but I just don’t know if I can this time.

[fastidious-and-a-mess]

Summary/synopsis: after a particularly bad breakup just as college finals have finished, you find yourself getting absolutely shit-faced in a local pub. As is not unusual, some guy, also pretty shit-faced, notices you and the ever predictable, somewhat pitiful, attempt at a hook up proceeds. This time, however, due your current life situations, you decide to just go with it. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? You’re never gonna see him again, right? This blonde douche won’t ever come up again, right? Not too much later, you realize that may not have been the safest bet to make.

Author’s note: this is my first fic of real people, and the first I plan on actually finishing, so yeah, don’t have any high expectations. This can be read as Roger Taylor or Ben Hardy!Roger Taylor, thigh I wrote it with Ben in mind. So, enjoy. Hopefully

Warnings: language, excessive drinking, implied sex (not explicit)

_____________________________

“What?! Are you kidding me?!” I scream into the phone. “What the HELL, Peter?! Are you seriously breaking up with me?”

“I’m sorry, Y/N, but it just isn’t working out,” I hear his voice through the speaker.

“I thought we were fine. I thought we were better than fine. What happened? What changed?” I couldn’t believe this.

Silence. And then, “I met someone else,” his voice was quiet, soft, almost sounding comforting, had it not been for the words coming out of his mouth.

“W-What?” I was now struggling to hold back tears, and my voice had quieted considerably. “Someone else?!” I was no longer quiet, to say the least.

“Y/N, I’m sorry, I just-“ he began.

“Save it. How long?” I‘m not in the mood for his bullshit excuses. More silence. “How long?!”

“A few months. Y/N, I’m sorry! I just didn’t, couldn’t feel the same way anymore.”

“Wow. Wow, ok. Well then I guess we’re done here, huh?” I can’t muster very much emotion right now, I’m just too broken by this all.

“Y/N, listen, I’m so-“

“Goodbye Peter,” I‘m really not in the mood for more of his bullshit excuses.

“Wait, Y/-“ I hang up before he can even finish my name. God, I love it when he says my name. Did love it. Loved it. Not anymore. I never want to hear his stupid fucking voice ever again.

With my heart broken, mind scattered, eyes full of yet-to-falls tears, and clock reading 11:24 pm, I figure it‘s an acceptable time for a drink. So I grab a jacket and head out to the local small pub.

There really only is one to go to, not a very large town, mostly college kids. So it doesn’t take me very long to reach it, even just walking. By the time I enter the door, it must be around 10 til midnight. I still haven’t shed a single tear. Maybe I’m broken, who knows?

Anyway, I walk through the entrance into the dark pub. It isn’t really a pub, more like a pub/bar/club combination, but everyone just calls it the Pub. Its dark, dank, the neon signs flickering, trying their best to illuminate the darkness. There are few dim overhead lights that did little to help. A bar to left, a stage to back, a staircase leading up a level on the right, nothing too different or unique. It’s smells just like every other bar/pub, like alcohol, people, adrenaline, and exhaustion, with maybe a hint or cigarettes.

I head on over to the bar, sitting at a stool closer to the mostly empty stage and order “just a beer, please. Any beer.” The bartender nods silently and goes off to grab me my drink. Right now, I just need a distraction.

Just as he hands me a generic bottled beer, the small crowd that’s gathered at the front near the stage starts cheering. A glance to my left shows me the few people who were in the back near the entrance migrating toward to stage. A glance to my right shows me the reason is a band has gotten up on stage; a singer, guitarist, bassist, and drummer; the typical collection. One final glance back in front of me decides it isn’t worth my time to watch or listen to them now, not with how I‘m feeling. So I let me head fall down, every now and again tipping it back to drink from my bottle.

I go through a few more bottles, and as I’m still sitting here drinking, the music from up on stage starts creeping into my ears. It’s actually quite pleasant. So I finish off my... fourth? Fifth? My fifth beer, hop down from my stool, and make my through the throngs of people up to the stage. The music is much louder up close, and I can really hear them now. They sound good. Really good. Great even. The singer has the voice of a rock god, and a smooth angel simultaneously; it’s mesmerizing. The bassist is doing his own thing, hopping around on stage to the beat, seemingly lost in his own world. The guitarist is very physically enthusiastic, often interacting with the singer, both of whom are pretty fun to watch. Most interesting, however, is the drummer in the back. Half concealed by shadows, the drummer has his eyes closed as he rolls through the motions he must have practiced a zillion times before, they seem so natural.

The song ends, they start another, but not before the singer declares “thank you all for coming out tonight darlings, we love you!”

As I’m standing there, in front of the stage, surrounded by other drunk people, the dim lights being the only light in my life, I decide oh what the hell? The band plays their last song of the night, and I let lose completely. With my eyes closed, I give up total control of my limbs and let the music puppet me instead. I’ve had enough heaviness for tonight, I’m just going to entirely let go. My hips swing, my arms flail, my feet bounce around, my head sways, and, if only for a moment, I feel weightless. After what feels like an eternity in just a few seconds, the song ends. I come down from euphoric high off the music, and return to my stool at the bar, ordering another beer.

A few minutes later, from behind I hear a “Hey.”

I turn around, and there’s a blond guy standing back to my left. He’s wearing a mostly open white button down very loosely tucked into some dark pants and some borderline work boots that are really more casual with a leather-like jacket on top of everything. I recognize him as the drummer from the band that was playing. “Hi,” I respond.

“I noticed you dancing in the crowd earlier tonight, you’re very pretty, really let loose. I like that,” he sat down next to me. Now at this point, I’m already piss drunk, and in a very confused mood. On the one hand, Peter fucking cheated on me, but other than that, tonight’s actually been pretty fun. So I have a decision to make; this guy obviously wants to get in my pants, do I let him?

“Why thanks you, I’m not usually that like. Or this. Drunk, I mean. Wow, my words aren’t working,” I blurb out. Man, I’m wasted.

He chuckled a little at me, “I’m Roger, the drummer.”

“I know, I saw you. And what I mean to say was, I’m not usually like that. I don’t usually get this wasted, but tonight’s... special,” my words seemed to be working now, and the last one trailed off a bit.

“Oh really? What’s so special?”

I hesitated. It isn’t really any of his business. But I mean, why not? “My boyfriend’s apparently been cheating on my for the past, psshhh, six? Yeah, six months now. He just told me about an hours ago, over the phone. Said he didn’t love me anymore, didn’t know if he ever really did. So I broke up with him. Well I mean, I said the words. He made it obvious he was done with me. So now here I am. Getting absolutely shit-faced, hoping it helps.”

“Has it?”

“Helped?” I look at him for a moment, then turn back in front of me.

“Yeah.”

“It has. The music especially, gave me a nice euphoric high for a few minutes. You’re really good. You, and the band.”

“Thanks, we try. So are you doing anything tonight? For the rest of it, at least.” Ah, there it is. As always, the “so are you down for a hookup?” question they think you never notice. I don’t exactly have anything to lose, so I make another oh what the hell decision.

“If you play your cards right, maybe,” I respond, turning back to him. A smirk tugs at his lips, he knows he’s been successful.

“Well lucky me then, huh?”

“Like I said, if you play your cards right,” I signal for the bartender and order another beer, probably my last. Roger gets one too, and we have a pretty flirty conversation. He covers all the drinks, probably another play to get into my pants, but I don’t mind.

I’ve heard rumors of Roger Taylor, everyone has. Charming, seductive, suggestive, ladies’ man Roger Taylor. I never really thought he’d actually be a pleasant conversationalist, though. I was wrong. We talk for a while, both getting increasingly more wasted until I can hardly form coherent sentences, much less thoughts.

“Hey,” I slur, “you wanna get out of here?”

“I thought you’d never ask,” his words are almost as messy as mine. The bar has started spinning at this point. He takes my hand, entwining our fingers as he pulls me off the bar stool. He leads me to the entrance of the building, pulls me outside, and as soon as the door is closed behind me, I’m pinned to it. He has me trapped, not that I mind, and he pushes his lips into mine. He tastes bitter and smoky, like beer and cigarettes, but it’s almost addictive. I can’t get enough.

He moves down to my neck, and I mumble a “I love a few blocks away.” I can feel him smiling into my skin.

“Good.”

Twenty minutes later, the front door is closed behind us and once again I’m pinned. This time though, it doesn’t last as long, as soon I’m pulling him upstairs while taking his jacket off. He smiles into the kisses again, and we’ve soon reached my bedroom. At this point, he’s lost his jacket and shirt, as well as both shoes and a sock and I’ve lost my jacket, both my shoes, and the jeans I was wearing, leaving me in my top, socks, and underwear. The room is spinning even more, trying to have any understandable thoughts is a lost cause, besides maybe more. So that’s what happens, more. The rest is just a blur.

_____________________________

So that was part 1. Not sure how satisfied I am with the ending but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. You can be expecting a part 2, whether anyone cares or not lol. I enjoyed writing this, it was fun, so if you have any suggestions or ideas or anything, please feel to send them in, I’d love to hear from you! Thanks again.

Part 2

[oathkeeper-of-tarth]

Some “Swordsmithing For Beginners And Experts” replies!

Tumblr really doesn’t seem to want me to reply to post and reblog comments, but here are some long overdue ones, as best as I could manage. Thank you all so much! As I’ve said before, this fic was kind of a big deal for me personally for a variety of reasons, so engagement with it really makes me happy - especially since, in my experience anyway, Bismuth-centric and Bismuth-heavy content tends to overall get a somewhat lower amount of activity.

tymp3st replied:

Ahhhhhhhh This was great, just Pearl and Bismuth and the huge divide between what was and what can be. That distance between them when Bismuth was brought back again and how quickly they start patching it up again. This is so sweet.

The distance and the patching up was something I really wanted to have work in that last big segment, so I’m really glad to hear this. These two and their relationship steeped in a shared complicated and often burdensome but also valued history is something I really love, and loved exploring here, and I especially loved giving them that promise of a future, they deserve it so much.

dontmindmeoverherejustreblogging replied:

That’s gay!! And incredible

Thank you! I am glad I was able to accomplish both.

@earthsgayestdefender replied:

#OATHHHH AAAA #IM CRY8NG AND I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE THIS SO SI SO MUCH #EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED IN A BISPEARL FIC

#iLL LEAVE MORE COMMEBTS IN AO3 TOMORROW BC ITS 1 AM BUT NO REGRETS READING THIS

You left me a whole entire novel and hit the AO3 comment character limit twice, I love you, bless. I still need to go through the whole thing and reply properly, bit by bit, because it’s an absolute GIFT and a fic writer’s dream, but I have to highlight:

Agreed. Co-signed. Valid.

@ohtakudesu replied:

#Bispearl   #HI I LOVE THIS AND AM DECEASED   #spent the last few hours on the bispearl discord reeling over this fic   #I don't even read fics that often but op this is fucking great   #thank you for my life and my soul   #added ten years to my life just now op

Speaking of other platforms... you bet I saved those discord comments into a doc for easier access for cheer-up reading during crappy days. THANK.

@jeejyboard replied:

#bispearl #it's good fic brent #this shit kills me like how much yearning can you fit into one tiny little wispy lesbian #bismuth is a little more explicable but still it's a stretch

Jeej my pal my bro your comments never fail to kill me.

@alliealliealcomfree replied:

# this is amazing! # i love how these two interact #and the mixed feelings about Rose #and the history between them #Bismuth and Pearl are so cute together

I will have you know that “mixed feelings about Rose” is the title of my hot new mix(hahah)tape, check it out.

(There is no mixtape, I’m sorry, only the sound of my tears.)

When that Dove short came out with the “I value our history” bit I just about ascended.

@nacrepearl replied:

#wow i LOVE BISMUTH AND PEARL #thanks oath for this life giving word meal

Bispearl content isn’t super abundant and I’m a great proponent of MAKE IT YOURSELF so I had to. I just had to. It took me a while but I did it, and I am glad I did. And I’m really glad you liked it.

@ajora replied:

#this is absolutely lovely to read all-together #and you know me I'm always down for examining Rose's effects on everyone around her #otp otp otp #ALSO: I was hardly suffering jsyk #ALSO: I do like the section naming scheme

I’m glad to hear it holds up as a whole even after me sending it to you rather piecemeal over the past few... who even knows how long. The section naming is legit one of my favourite things about the fic personally, hah, I am proud of it to a rather silly extent.

@starsailorstories replied:

Not only is this that sweet, sweet Bispearl/Bismuth being loved and appreciated content, I'd like to present you with your lifetime achievement award for contributions to the field of gem hurt-comfort

Also: THE SECTION TITLES????? THE WORDPLAY????? I'M HOPPING UP AND DOWN

Not done gushing, I love the way you write Bismuth dialogue, it's so like...brisk and jaunty with just the right edge to it but always coming from that gooey center of the team place. I love it I love her

I am extremely honoured by that award, especially coming from you!

And yes! It’s a BISMUTH fic we need to have that proper wordplay as well as horribly cheesy puns in there! And as a BISPEARL fic it is absolutely necessary to include communicating concepts via relating them to swords and the making thereof. It’s the rules.

Bismuth, I feel, has a very distinct voice AND attitude AND way of expressing herself in general, even as we haven’t yet had the chance to spend as much time with her as some other characters, and getting it down right was very important to me. And there’s stuff like her being noticeably less literal than other Gems, and more prone to using both Gem and human idioms (and as evidenced by her pep talk to Steven in Legs, savvy enough to be able to switch between them at will). Speaking of pep talks, she’s an absolute master there and I love her. I believe Ian JQ said that “gooey center of the team” line on the Bismuth podcast ep and I am forever grateful to him.

Also just. Here, a random moment I just thought of that got me all feelsy. Look at her lovingly and longingly looking out at her friends and waiting to be reunited with them. That really tiny smile. I love her.

And this moment that breaks my heart into tiny pieces, when she was convinced she’d blown her second chance and that the people she so loves and who she was prepared to go to such great lengths for don’t want her around anymore:

Nng. Just. So much about her is related to loyalty and community and mutual support and she is so full of love and goopy feelings, while at the same time absolutely being loud and brash and a damn legit fighter and passionate revolutionary, with a definite edge and a large well of (absolutely righteous imo) anger, and she will destroy you if you endanger what she stands for and who she stands with. And the damn “she chooses to build up people instead of building palaces” metaphor that I shall continue to put into everything Bismuth-related I produce as long as I live. I love that. I love her so much.

Aaaaanyway, moving on from that little digression, I’m also flattered by the displays of faith in me, like seeing a reblog tagged with (cheers @altostratusplunge, whom tumblr now won’t let me tag, great):

#i havent read it #will read afyer rebloggimg #but i trust you as a writer and i bet this is gonna be so Good

Trust is a rare and precious commodity and I will have you know I am touched.

Once again, a great big thank you to everyone!

[juliette-binoches]

My thoughts on Non Fiction and High Life from NYFF56

I apologize for this being late, I've had a busy several days. Anyway I'm excited to give my thoughts on both Non Fiction (Doubles Vies) and High Life. Also there may be some spoilers throughout but I would still highly recommend seeing both films. I’ll also try to keep the spoilers towards the end my thoughts for each.

Seeing Non Fiction was extremely exciting as I had previously seen Clouds of Sils Maria at the 2014 NYFF which had first introduced me to Olivier's work, making him one of my favorite directors working today. Set in the book publishing world, Non Fiction is mostly a set of conversations with characters discussing the the state of and the way in which we consume literature alongside their personal lives and dilemmas. Olivier's scripts have always had a way of tackling things in the real world and making reference to real things, such as Google and Facebook, without seeming like an out of touch old man, and Non Fiction is no different, talking about e-readers and smartphones and whatnot without it sounding forced. The characters really feel like they live and breath the world he has written. But even more so then what the characters say is how expertly Olivier has written and directed their actions. Watching someone unplug 5 devices from various chargers before putting them all in their bag is a fantastic visual gag all by itself, but coupled with the commentary of the film and a callback later on when a different character laments not being able to get in contact with that person makes it pure gold and those kind of tricks get pulled several times in the film.

While Juliette Binoche may not be the star of the film she is part of the main ensemble, all of whom are fantastic and have their various moments where they shine. Along with the ensemble nature of the film an enjoyable aspect of that is seeing how all the different characters interact with each other one on one. No one person really has a one dimensional relationship with another. In one scene two couples could be having a conversation, with say the wife of someone could be friendly with her husbands friend, and in the next it could be revealed they have been having a long lasting affair. Watching those layers be peeled back or a relationship being thrown in your face for dramatic effect is exciting and at times hilarious. Juliette Binoche is a shining part of the film, being able to pull off comedy almost pitch perfectly most of the time weather intentional or not. Watching her tell someone shes going to make their life a living hell if they do her wrong was particularly hilarious to watch. And even though she is fantastic her performance is relatively understated and very naturalistic, no overacting or dramatized inflections or movements from her à la Ma Loute.

I also have to give a shout out to two jokes in the film. The first being probably the funniest joke involving The White Ribbon (yes the film by Haneke) you'll ever hear (sounds impossible, right?) and the other being an absolutely hilarious and out of left field meta joke towards the end of the film, I promise you I will make a gif of it the moment the film gets released. I really liked Non Fiction, I’d say it’s Assayas at his funniest which is a fantastic thing.

High Life on the other hand... was something completely different. Now mind you I’ve only seen Let The Sunshine In and Bastards as far as Claire Denis films are concerned so I had no idea what to expect going in. Considering that Let The Sunshine In is apparently not what she usually does and Bastards I barely remember. Now with that being said I’m glad I went in with few expectations because Claire Denis really did that with this film. I saw and felt things I probably shouldn't have seen and don’t necessarily like feeling, High Life is an insane movie. 

Robert Pattinson is a convict on a spaceship heading towards a black hole for extremely vague reasons that involve saving humanity on Earth. The catch is that he’s not alone, the ship is full of convicts, all of whom volunteered for this same mission because they were all on death row for one reason or another. I don’t know about you but a ship full of death row inmates and nothing to really reign them in other then a life support system on the ship they have to check in with every 24 hours sounds like a recipe for disaster. Apparently Claire Denis thinks so too because the things that go on in said ship are awful and bizarre that range from people being forcefully impregnated to a masturbation chamber call the “fuckbox” to all the awful things people would probably do to each other if there weren’t any consequences. If you are easily sickened by things like sexual assault or gratuitous violence at times then this film is not for you, sorry.

Juliette Binoche is a doctor in this film and it could be argued that she is one of the absolute most evil people I’ve seen a film, and trust me I don’t say that lightly. Her character is primarily concerned with reproduction which appears to be a problem in space because of radiation or something, honestly I don’t remember because I was mostly concerned with the fact that you see her do terrible terrible things to make babies happen in space. She has a bit of an obsession with Robert Pattinson’s... shall we say DNA, because she claims that it’s strong and would survive in space. Trust me, that’s quite an important plot tale as things go forward.

Now with all that being said what did I think of High Life? It’s fucking amazing honestly. It’s far from being for everyone but that’s part of it’s beauty. First of all the acting across the board is great. Robert Pattinson is quickly becoming one of my favorite actors working now. He Between this and Good Time he’s really doing his damn thing. Andre 3000 is also in the film (he also introduced the film with Claire and Robert) and is one of the few characters you have sympathy for and actually like but is that a surprise, how could you NOT like Andre 3000? The score, which I have heard no one mention, is absolutely perfect, like There Will Be Blood levels of perfect imo. Yorick Le Saux ‘s cinematography is absolutely beautiful, the warm hues he captures of the spaceship are basically the opposite of what most space set films look like, cold and clinical. He’s constant closeups with shallow focus are great as well, easily one of the most gorgeous film’s I’ve seen in quite some time. Sidenote but I believe he was also the cinematographer for Non Fiction so there ya go. The film as a whole is a great package, even if it can seem a bit shakey. I personally loved it but there are a few issues I had which I’ll detail in the next paragraph, along with some spoilers.

Okay so first off I actually don’t know what to think of Juliette’s acting in this. Her delivery of some lines is... odd? Like they almost sound a little stilted and bad. Her behavior is strange to say the least but I don’t know if that’s Claire’s script or Juliette’s acting. Of course she has a couple shining moments but even those sit weirdly with me. In one scene she euthanizes someone on the ship after they suffer a stroke and she shows shades that make you sympathetic for her but her acting is still weird. The whole scene is disturbing, frankly, and while I’m sure that was intentional it’s just odd. Also watching Juliette ride a sex machine for around 3 minutes straight with those previously mentioned shallow focus closeups is odd to say the least. Beyond Juliette’s acting another thing that bothered me was the casting of a particular character. One of the prisoners on the ship is basically a sexual predator, you get very creepy vibes from him early on and later he sort of masturbates in a hallway while watching Juliette stand in front of a fan, ya know standard pervy shit. The problem with this is that he looks a bit like Bo Burnham, at least I thought he did. He later tries to rape a female inmate while they’re sleeping and bad things proceed to happen to all involved. Everytime he was on screen I just thought about Bo Burnham and in my head just called him “pervert/rapist Bo Burnham” and it really took me out of the film. And while I loved Andre 3000′s character he seemed out of place to say the least. He is essentially a cool and nice guy and you don’t really get an explanation of how he ended up in prison or this ship. It’s disappointing because it’s shallow characterization and it doesn’t really do a great job of hiding it. He does say something about doing it for his wife but it’s kinda half-assed sounding honestly. Also not a huge spoiler and it is positive but Robert has several scenes where he acts alongside a baby and honest to god it’s some of my favorite acting I’ve ever seen. It’s really beautiful and lets us see shades of his character we probably wouldn’t see otherwise, in this film or any other with characters like this.

Overall High Life is incredible, It demands a second viewing although I’m honestly not prepared for it, it shook me.

One last thing - where do this movies sit as far as Juliette Binoche is concerned? Well Non Fiction is another great role for her, she shows very human and funny shades in it that I don’t feel like we get to see all the time, she should be extremely proud of it. I hope she keeps working with Olivier for a long time, their chemistry is perfect. High Life is a bit of an anomaly as at times it seems almost poorly acted on her part but perhaps it’s because her character is so bizarre. It also has a couple absolutely emotional moments from her and it’s a testament to her as an actor because her character is so evil. I need to see her again in it, it both disgusted and captivated me in equal measure.

[angeliamaritudinem-archived-blog]

Angeliamaritudinem’s 1st Anniversary + Bias list + Giveaway Announcement.

Okay, this is a little early (two weeks but nbd). I just wanted to get this out now bc I am moving blogs sometime around the 30th of June. Anyways, here goes.

Wow... I cannot actually believe that it has been a year since I decided to move all of my dragon age related stuff to a new blog and somehow turned it into an RP blog. Never in my  w i l d e s t  dreams could I have thought that I would be where I am. There has been so much shit going on in my life, both IRL and on here, and I wouldn’t still be here if it weren’t for some of you so... I just... Wanted to thank those who have cared for me and been there for me when I needed you the most, along with the sweet mutuals who I adore seeing on my dash (and should really start to interact with more). I do not know how to express my gratitude other than words and pretty shitty aesthetics so... *deep breath* Here goes.

@tevintermagisterium  - Tian... Gods above, you have honestly been my saving grace more times than I can count. You were one of the first people to have interacted with me, and I couldn’t be more grateful. If we had never started to interact... I honestly don’t know where I would be right now. You have been my rock and my best friend in such a short amount of time.... But I couldn’t be more fucking grateful. I have grown so much because of you, and because of alllll of our interactions, including those in which we just gushed about our muses to take our thoughts away from shitty times. There have been times where the only reason I didn’t break down was that I was thinking about our muses, whether it was something trivial or something truly heartbreaking/heartfelt. They, and in turn you, saved me. I know you are busy and have to deal with life, but I miss you so god damn much. There has been an actual fucking hole in my chest since you’ve been gone, but I will be patient.

@paintingthedas - Amani... You meme-loving piece of shit whom I love with all of my god damn heart. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have been close to tears and you started spamming me with fucking memes and dumb-ass pictures... And I just snorted and started to laugh (and also cry, but... They were good tears). We’re only two or so years away from knowing each other for a whole fucking decade... Jesus Christ, oh how the time has passed. You have been my rock and a shoulder to cry and vent on about even the stupidest shit. You deserve the fucking world. and I will try my damndest to give it to you. Thank you for being you, and actually giving a shit about shitty-ass me.

@ataash-varin-katara  - Oh boy oh boy. Joey, the light of my life. My honest-to-god better half. We may have only known each other for going on.... 5 months? But fuck, it feels like we’ve known each other for years. I absolutely adore you, and I am not letting you go. Gods above, I wasn’t expecting to love you this much? I mean, Tian pretty much blazed his way through my heart, but you... You pretty much just slipped in, and it just... Feels so natural? ... Okay, that sounds a bit sexual... BUT YOU GET WHAT I MEAN. ANYWAYS. You may be the newest member to shove his way into my heart, but you are no less beloved.

My precious mutuals whom I treasure the fuck out of (even though we might not talk much or at all... I see you):

@chasindtrevelyan , @lemurmure , @ma-nuvenin-vhenan, @razildor, @brokenbiirds, @boldxinxdeed, @crowbound, @crookedlydecaffeinatedprince , @ye-lost-bard , @kismetfervor , @ashabellenar , @bellafaire-bellafine , @vengefulandraste , @silverwhipped , @remembcr , @eycsss , @nothinglorious , @exemplartemplar

And then I adore the hell out of my new mutuals whom I have not started to interact with, but yes hello~! I am here and ready to interact.

Anywho, I am doing an aesthetic giveaway that ends the 30th of June. There will be four winners, and they will all get 2 personal aesthetics. Not much, I know. But I am slowly trying to get better at a few things, and this is all I can really do at the moment... Unless Y'all would like short one-shots instead? Or I could do a mixture of the two? 

Anyways, you must be following this blog in order to be considered. One like and reblog only please. <3 Alright, that’s all folks. I might come out with an actual, separate post for the giveaway. bc the shit I said was personal, but we’ll see.

[cappuccino-howell]

✨Cass’s Phanfic Recs✨

Because we’re all trash and need our fix. ;)

Some trigger warnings for abuse, non-con, general angst, and smut.

When it Rains it Pours by wordsongs (AO3). Major TW: Phil's only gone for one weekend. Apparently that's all the time it takes for everything to fall apart.

First Impressions (Perhaps I was Wrong) (AO3) by Ablissa: Phil Lester goes back to university for his third year, expecting to live in the dorms with his childhood best friend PJ. That's how it's been for the past years, after all. However, due to a mistake of some sort, he finds himself with a new roommate to spend the semester with.

Misfit by MelancholyMango (Wattpad): Dan is different. He's learned to accept that. Well, as best he can anyway, considering he's never really had much of a choice.  (BY FAR MY FAVE OMG)

Come What May by PhantasticFiction (Ao3) TW: Phil Lester usually wasn't one to go to strip clubs. But after being coaxed into it by a couple of his friends he meets the ever hypnotizing Greyson Bear(Dan Howell). Easily falling in love with him Phil works to save Dan from the underworld of prostitution.

Someday by @philsdrill. TW; eating disorder: “Everyone had a link with their soulmates, some could hear some of their partners thoughts, some had a tattoo that would appear with their partners name; for me, I knew when they got sick.” For a while Phil has thought that his soulmate might have an eating disorder and doesn’t expect to meet him in the restaurant where he works. (ongoing fic but i love it so much)

Unraveling by @phandommother.  Dan knew he was different from other children very early on. He never lost his ‘imaginary friends’, they only became a more integral part of his life. Living with his illness is never easy and with a secret as large as his, cracks are bound to appear. While he isn’t ashamed of his DID, he knows the consequences of telling the wrong people. 

Charlotte by dannihowell (Ao3): When Dan's little sister needs a home, he and Phil offer a place to stay.(one of the first really long fics i read it is soooo good and pure)

Four Years Ago by actuallyroz. TW. dan and phil’s relationship from 2009 - now

Absolutely Lovely by autumnkismet. TW. His friends and family think he’s acting strange, they’re worried that he’s depressed again, but Dan doesn’t see it. The only thing he sees is the new guy at school, the quirky one with the black hair and stunning blue eyes, and that’s bad. So bad… 

Just Like Mud by @blueberryphancakes. “So you’re upset because you saw me…polishing the banister.” “Jesus fucking Christ.”“Is that another euphemism or are you just mad at me?”

Identity by @phansdick. Dan is definitely beyond nervous to start at the prestigious boarding school, Harrison Academy. He wants to get away from the past and start a new life, where he meets his dorm mate, Phil Lester. Phil is always happy, it seems, and wants the best for everyone, but as he continues to get to know Dan, he realizes that there’s something wrong with this particular boy that maybe even Dan isn’t aware of.

Disasterology by @howellslester. Phil moves to a new town where Dan Howell’s name is a warning and Dan likes the stars.

The Blind Boy by @jilliancares. Dan Howell liked to think of his entire life as a series of tragic accidents. Because really, how many people can say that they managed to become blind and obtain a supposedly Cute Boy’s hate all in the span of one year? And Phil Lester has not had the best school life, so in order to avoid bullying or a bad reputation, he refuses to take shit from anyone at this new school. Even if that someone just so happens to be blind.

Pretty Odd (Things Have Changed For Me and That's Okay) by Cadensaurus (Ao3). Baby!fic in which one day, Phil wakes up with a baby in his bedroom and finds out that apparently he and Dan are the only ones who don't know where this baby came from, as everybody else claims that it's Phil's. What happens next is they then end up raising a baby together, with no less than a few existential crises from both of them along the way, as well as plenty of blunders and mishaps. Oh, and through it all, Phil starts falling for Dan but doesn't dare tell him because he can't risk losing his best friend.

Missing Pieces by existentialcatwhiskers (Ao3). When an accident occurs in the middle of filming a new video for the gaming channel, Dan finds himself becoming more reliant on Phil than he was comfortable with. Unfortunately, Dan needs the help and can't push Phil away, but he can feel the situation beginning to dredge up feelings that Dan had pushed away years ago and buried deep within himself.

No Strings by @phangirlingforphan. Phil really misses sex and it turns out that Dan really misses sex, too. So…they just decide to have sex together. No strings. FWB minus the usual dramatic storyline that follows. Hilarity and #bants ensues.

Galaxies and Greenhouses by @fourthingsandawizard whom you should definitely check out ;). When Dan meets a boy with piercings and a dragon tattoo while shopping in Diagon Alley, he’s pretty quick to jump to conclusions, much to his own embarrassment. But as they become fast friends, they both come to see that sometimes the most important lessons learned at Hogwarts are the ones that happen without a wand.

Ethreal by @sin-n-city. AU- Super powers. Dan’s not normal. In fact, he’s never met a single person exactly like him. No one else can move objects with their mind, just by a simple thought. He lives life carefully, limited interactions and semi-non-existent social life. That is, until a pair of sapphire blue eyes change everything. Dan Howell/Phil Lester, PJ Liguori/ Chris Kendall.

Okay guys these are probably just some of the ones i’ve read (i read a lot of oneshots) but please let me know what you think if you check them out! :) LOL it seems i really like the angsty fics sorry about that. 

Also feel free to rec me some fics too! ♥

[reticexce]

 yoooooOOOOOOO you all have no idea how grateful i am to reach this milestone. this blog was a reboot of alison, and i was really worried that i wouldn’t be able to play her like before since i was basically starting from scratch again, but i’m really glad to see that she ( and the boys!! ) have been accepted and loved, and i’m so happy i’ve gotten the chance to create meaningful relationships both ic and ooc! 

i’ve never actually done a bias list before despite how many years i’ve been rping on tumblr, but i think it’s about time i make one since i think this blog is one of my best experiences in terms of shipping, friendships, and threading and i really should just make a shoutout to some very special people and say thank you to everyone for sticking with this blog and helping me flesh out my muses!

( MY PINGU CHILDREN )

mostly an inside joke formed in a skype chat ( tbt nerdie wormies lmaoo ) , but there’s a reason why they’re my pingu children and i’m pingu mum!

@kingofevcrything: hoooly shit can you believe we’ve known each other for like four years? practically four years?? since my first year having alison, emile and cedric?? and i’m pretty sure you had a part in me adding nate to the blog too, seeing as how his only ship is your muse lmao. i really can’t say enough about you because i think you’re just so special to me, and i hold you so near and dear to my heart. i can’t express how thrilled and grateful i am to have you still be my friend after all these years. i’ve had rp partners leave and it’s always heartbreaking especially when memorable relationships have been formed. but our friendship has passed the test of time, and i hope, hope, hope with all my might that we’ll stay friends for many more years to come, even if one of us decides to stop rping. i really can’t express how important our friendship is to me, like you really have no idea. my soul weeps for our muses and our threads. i just love you lots and i always wish for good things to happen to you, and i am so glad to be your mum. i am so thankful for our friendship, and i still really can’t believe we have so many fucking aus like holy shit wtf <33

@halsionic: my bby pingu child <3 we also have a shit ton of aus lmao and i also treasure those even if we’ve only touched on them in chat and never in thread. i also can’t express how thankful i am to have met you. pure chance had us meet, and i’m just so happy that you reached out to me. i can’t imagine us still being strangers on the dash, our muses so foreign to each other. like, alien literally coNSUMES both of us now, and it’s just so taboo to imagine otherwise. i love you to bits, especially since you’ve always been so supportive to me no matter what i’m going through. i can always count on you to help me through hard times, even if it’s just a short conversation about what’s bothering me. but i appreciate everything you’ve done for me as a listening ear. and not to mention those shitposts you send to me every day too---our friendship wouldn’t be complete without good ole shitposting and sIN. smooches from pingu mum to pingu child!! i look forward to screaming about our feelings to each other in the future!

( MY SOARING EAGLES )

those whom i also consider dear friends on this site ooc ( but we don’t have a pingu family thing going on haha )

@gloryundimmed: aaaaAAAAAA G R A Y oh my god you’re gonna laugh at me but i was really scared of interacting with you at first. like, i was so happy you liked my starter call?? because that made it super easy for us to interact?? i was really worried that we’d end up being those blogs that follow each other but never interact buT NO WAY WE TOTALLY INTERACT NOW!! and i have so much fun rping with you holy shit i really do. i get real excited whenever you reply or answer my asks ( no matter how long it’s been; you can always take your time! ) because i just adore kai and alison like---i didn’t think their ship would be so wholesome but it totally is. and i love it. i also never thought we’d be such good friends, especially since we haven’t known each other for very long, but i’m super, duper, happy that we are. like our conversations are always so interesting and non stressful, and i’m just really happy that i’ve gotten the opportunity to befriend you and thread with you! also, i think your editing and themes are hella rad. also!! i’m really looking forward to more aus with you in the future if you’re up for it, and also ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) if you’re up for it too with kai and ali ( yes i totally used this as an excuse to put in a lenny face but i also meant what i said lmaoo broADEN MY WRITING HORIZONS ). anyway!! i’m glad to have you as a friend, i love your writing, and i would totally be down for interactions with your others muses too because i think they’re also great! 

@wintercursed​: i absolutely adore alison and hiro’s dynamic, and i guess in a way you could say it’s sort of our dynamic too. not exactly, not perfectly, but i suppose a little piece of ourselves could be seen in our muses. ahh, i wish i could shower you in all the memes and threads you’ve ever wanted, but alas, i’m too distracted and my muses are too fickle for such a thing. but i really do love talking about our muses together and just having fun like that; the brotp between alison and hiro is one of my favorites tbh. i also!! am really flattered you see me as a friend. i’m so glad i get to call you one of mine! i get so happy whenever things go well for you, and i hope things will keep going well for you!! we may have lost touch in the last few months ( year? has it been a year? i hope not ), but i still admire you and your muse as much as i did before. fun fact: i actually followed you even before this blog! but that was before i really got a chance to interact and talk with you haha. anywho, i hope the best for you, and let’s stay in touch! <3

@travaileur / @dulcetxdreams: ro!!! ro, ro, ro, ro!!!! man i can’t even put my finger down on how we met. i guess it started on aito’s blog with the chatzys and then it moved to here when ali and eden were struggling to figure out their feelings? and you were one of their fans haha. that was a very eventful time. and now, look at where our bbies are now! claire and alison have developed their own friendship, and it is literally goals. alison is just so good to claire, and i cry it’s just so cute. our interactions have been limited with both of us being busy bees, and that’s okay! i look forward to seeing ali and claire together no matter what, and i’d love to keep talking about them more whenever you’re free! also, i always appreciate those cat pictures your send me or those bird photos you tag me in. bless, bless, those always make my day. anywho, you’re a sweetie pie and i lov u lots and i’m so happy i got the chance to meet you and have my muse have such a cute friendship with your muse. i can’t wait to see how that will develop!

@textsfromeponinet / @evangrantconrad / @whocaresaboutlonelysouls: i’m fairly certain you followed me from blog to blog! from my old alison blog to this one, i’m so glad that you decided to stick around even through the big switch. i’ve had lots of fun playing all of my muses with you, from your eponine blog and beyond! you helped me flesh out cedric in a way too, giving rise to his pretentious character now thanks to our beauty and the beast au haha. i really have to thank you for that! and now, with emile, we have such a sweet ship, and i’m looking forward to all of the cuteness that awaits! you’re such a good friend to me too, even though i stink at replying to ims, so i’m really thankful you haven’t been deterred from chatting with me. you’ve also given me such nice advice over the years, and i’m very, very thankful for your college advice <3 i hope we can remain friends and have more threads!

@ivorybled / @hyoukan: i think about how we met sometimes and like---it’s such a unique way of meeting?? like our muses both lil shits and therefore would attract each other because they would love doing shitty things together, and that blossomed into one of my favorite brotps. lanzo and aito will always be my shit because they’re just hilarious to me, and add in eden and it’s even more of a mess. but this isn’t a bias list for aito’s blog so i’ll save that fangirling for another time, but !!! i love?? your writing?? so much??? it’s a very unique style and oh my god it’s like fking poetry and i can just indulge in your writing like it’s just so good. and speaking of what’s good, you’re good!!! we haven’t talked much recently, but i’m so flattered to be one of your fave boofs bc you’re one of mine too!!! technically you’re a bird now but that’s even better because you love birds!! i always have such a fun time talking with you on ims even if it’s just a short chat, whether it’s lanzo/aito, lanzo/alison, or eru/alison because the ideas are literally limitless with you. and it’s such a blast to yell at each other about our muses and their relationship; i can feel your passion and that’s just really great okay. i hope we can keep yelling at each other and keep in touch even if we’re both busy bees, and i’m really glad we became friends <3

( MY PRETTY CANARIES )

those whom i’ve interacted with a few times ( whether recently or a long, long time ago ) and would love to stay in touch, get back in touch, get to know better! these people are also those who i see on the dash every day and sort of consider them my friends because of how long you’ve stuck with me, even i we haven’t said much to each other! but i see you liking and reblogging my stuff! hello to you too! 

@cfdualities / @mostpeculiarmademoiselleetmsieur / @chichini / @silent-severity / @shiracpt / @lvmier / @vernxte / @noxuous / @gumihosverdict / @langvor / @tommy-is-the-rudest-bitch / @fornaxa / @manipulationandmemes / @princely-etiquette / @smolhoney / @shite-prosecutor / @amxrtentiia / @overoutrage / @forgottenelysium / @auccntraire / @smolbabysittingangel / @pushingthewinter / @omnecosmos / @neverforgiiven / @psuedogaiety / @likecottxncandy / @lachalaine / @nanpoghan / @bastardiised / @oshunokaminari / @dont-wake-sana / @enthrxlling / @faillte / @haperx / @we-all-burn / @togovernwithdecorum / @chvssbelle / @ffortunato / @minugahanax​ / @risiox / @solepaura

( MY SWEET PARAKEETS )

those whom i haven’t gotten a chance to really interact with yet ( due to busy schedules, lack of a good opportunity, being a new follower, or just me being too shy ) but admire greatly and would love a chance to write with! we may have had a handful of short interactions before, or maybe none at all, but in either case, i’d love to have more!

@stckhlmr / @godstarved / @condicionibus / @hippestbarista / @mulni / @weismanniisms / @contrasting-blood-brothers / @phlegmxtical / @charmingrebel / @cantiio / @fierydog / @perhiemate / @bathed-in-red / @parcelhoarder / @poppicede / @wondcrkid / @bloodyrogues / @cruthaich / @nightmcnsters / @bokctto / @destinsia / @elfen-archer / @pvrehearted / @corvialitis / @sakashiima / @starvd / @itaidoshin / @praeliix / @rosideae / @xnquisitor / @mahounx / @clemenstine / @siderion / @tenxcious / @drugrattes / @prideful-outcasts / @withoutviolence / @preciousyellowidiot / @atelouus / @flowersvein / @merakiis / @bcbybats / @ignirae / @popokki / @lingering-mind / @bitchidivine / @cxriseanglo / @torschlusspcnik / @chirisaku / @eraseourscars / @tillsoil / @bittersilvertruth / @hellhcunded / @hasetsui​

keep in mind none of the names are in any particular order! and ahh and i know i must have forgotten some people because there were just so many blogs to look through, but even if you aren’t on this list, you’re a great writer, very special, and have lots of potential! and i love you and think you’re great! and to those who are on this list, i know i must have sounded really roundabout and probably said the same things over and over again, but really, you guys make coming onto tumblr really fun, and you all are really special people to me. i really appreciate you all for sticking with me after all this time ( and even following me from blog to blog! ) and i just can’t say how much i appreciate your support <333 

also i sort of did have trouble determining if some people were canaries or parakeets but whichever one you are, feel free to hmu for interactions but i love new partners and new ideas and just meeting new people so please reach out if you’d like to! (〃＾▽＾〃)

ps do u guys like the little birbs i added to my promo bc i really do. 

[paulisweeabootrash]

First Impression: Re:ZERO - Starting Life in Another World

It's time again for Paul is Weeaboo Trash!

Today's topic: Re:ZERO - Starting Life in Another World (2016)

Review based on 6 episodes.  Or 5 if you count two two-part beginning, episodes "1A and 1B", as one.

The characters are plastered all over everything at conventions!  It keeps getting casually mentioned in reviews of other shows!  Rem is apparently everyone's waifu!  And yet... I knew absolutely nothing about the actual details of this show.  I think I might understand why after the first few episodes, because it seems like one of those things you can't really discuss properly without resorting to spoilers, so people evade mentioning them.  Or maybe the things I'm calling "spoilers" seem so obvious to other people that they don't think they're worth mentioning.  Or the spoilers may be “common knowledge” in the weeb community so people don’t think they’re worth explicitly describing.  Whatever, I'm notoriously dense when it comes to picking up foreshadowing, and often "anticipate" different twists than the ones that end up happening.  I'm the perfect rube for twists.  I didn't know the twist of The Sixth Sense (a movie which, incidentally, I still haven't seen) until The Lonely Island mentioned it in a song nine years after the movie came out.  You’ll see what I mean soon, hopefully, because I think enjoying this show is very dependent on the audience learning what’s going on along with the main character.

Anyway, my point is that all I had heard that this was an unusually good isekai, a genre which I have somehow avoided reviewing up to this point even though I've enjoyed some isekai quite a lot.  The idea of being transported to another world has been around for a long time, even being a key feature in the archetypal “hero’s journey” story format.  In its current anime incarnation, it tends to be set in medieval-flavored fantasy worlds and be very action-oriented, but there is some nice diversity out there in the scenarios and spins different works take on the general concept.  It has even been inverted and descended into total absurdity.  But there is a shadow over the genre: a shadow cast by unpleasant and overpowered characters and escalatingly-stupid writing.  And it is that kind of world our, er, hero(?)... well, main character at least, Subaru, expects.

Subaru, you see, is a shut-in gamer who suddenly finds himself transported to another world while shopping.  One moment, he's on a deserted city street at night in our world.  The next, he is on a busy city street in daylight in — surprise — a medieval-flavored fantasy setting.  And he is very familiar with what that means: he has been summoned here.  Plucked from his mundane life, he must be a superpowered protagonist, about to find himself on a grand adventure!

Ha.  Nope.  Try as he may, it seems like the only power he has is above-average strength from working out (but no real skill at using that strength to fight).  And he doesn't even have normal functioning here otherwise.  He's illiterate in the local language, comes off as insane to everyone he meets, and almost immediately finds himself being beaten up by muggers he thought he could heroically take on by himself.  Rescued and healed by a magical mystery woman and her cat-like familiar spirit, Puck, he knows right away: she is the superpowered protagonist, and beautiful to boot!  She too has been robbed, and he will help her recover what was stolen!  Ha.  Nope.  Subaru soon finds that his situation is far stranger than he expected.

See, Subaru and his new magical mystery companion search for the woman who robbed her of her item, described only as a jeweled insignia.  On the way, he learns that she is a half-elf and her name is Satella, and that although he treats her like a stock tsundere, she both isn't one and doesn't understand why he expects her to act like this.  And I appreciate this, personally, because realistically we should ask: what does he expect?  They've known each other for only a few hours, after all!  They track the thief, a professional named Felt, down to a bar in the outskirt slums of the city run by her fence, Old Man Rom, and Subaru enters to find it full of merchandise but no sign of people.  Then he finds the corpses.

Because of how the first few episodes unfold, it will be necessary to go into some things you might want to leave as spoilers even though they happen so soon in, because there's really something to be gained here from being confused and surprised with Subaru, and maybe even seeing your own expectations contradicted along with his.  If you don’t want spoilers but are intrigued by the summary so far, go skip ahead to the Weeb Ass Shit ratings and then watch the show.

If not, now we're going to finish episode 1A, and go onward from there, okay?

Okay.

Subaru and Satella are quickly killed by an unseen attacker, the same one who already dispatched Rom and Felt before they arrived.  At this point, we remember that back in the very first scene of the episode, before Subaru was transported, the camera cut back and forth between Subaru shopping in a convenience store and a hand reaching out weakly as the voice of the person to which it belongs talks about saving someone.  Because now we see that the hand was his, and he was reaching out for Satella.

And then he's back in the city, right where he first appeared.  And apparently also right when he first appeared.  Was it a dream?  A premonition?  He certainly thinks so, and wants to use this knowledge to help Satella.  So he goes to Rom's bar, finds Rom alive and working, and tries to negotiate to barter for the stolen insignia.  Felt shows up, as does Elsa, the woman who hired her to steal the insignia in the first place, who turns out to have been the one who killed him in his premonition.  And she kills him again.  And then he's back in the city, and the same time and place.  Oh no.  It's not a premonition, it's a Groundhog Day-style time loop.

After a third death and reset, he has learned three important things: first, that Satella's name is definitely not Satella.  Second, that much to his relief, there is some sort of police force in this world, although so far the only part of it he has encountered is Reinhart, a single off-duty knight.  Third, that this insignia is worth much more than Felt is being paid for it and has some significance he can't yet guess at.  Oh, and also he has decided this loop must be his “power”, and has named it “return by death”.

That gets us up through episodes 1B and 2.  After that, he makes (and survives this time, albeit just barely) a fourth attempt to recover the insignia from Felt, and to keep it and all of the people involved out of the hands of Felt's murderous employer.  Emilia — who called herself Satella before as what now seems to have been a sort of off-color joke, due to her resemblance to the real Satella, whom we have yet to encounter but who is clearly Bad News — brings the wounded Subaru home with her.  He wakes up to find himself fully healed and in a bed at Emilia's palace, attended to by maids who look like near mirror images of each other.  Maids?  Palace?!

Yes, it turns out that the country Subaru has been transported to, Lugnica, is undergoing a succession crisis, that Emilia (sponsored by the flamboyant Margrave Roswaal L. Mathers) is in line for the throne, and that the insignia is a sort of proof of her authority that she must possess to be eligible when the new ruler is decided.  Subaru asks to work for her, and the twin maids Ram and Rem (aha, now we meet everyone’s waifu), struggle to teach him the basics he needs to survive here, like cooking and reading.  At the end of an unspecified number of days of trying but failing to learn to work alongside them, Subaru speaks to Emilia alone, and they seem to be getting along very well.  He very badly attempts to explain the concept of a date to her, and successfully asks her out on one, and goes to sleep happy...  And he wakes up to find Ram and Rem waiting at the foot of his bed... just as they were when he woke up here the first day...  Yes, it turns out that somehow he died in his sleep and has been “reset” again.  But he has at least obtained a new "save point", as it were, with his power, and must now work out what happened to him this time — and how exactly his power works, since he went back multiple days this time.

You know what?  I'm not even going to go onward in my summary into the sixth (fifth) episode.  Those of you who have seen the show will notice that my summary is getting more and more cursory, but it's because I don't want to just recap the show for you, I want to provide enough overview so you know what kind of show it is.  There is so much to enjoy and appreciate that I haven't gotten to.  Here’s an assortment of highlights:

- Subaru's interactions with Emilia and Beatrice (the librarian who I didn't even get around to mentioning in the summary above) are particularly nice because he treats them with otaku-y genre-savviness and they respond not just with some moe twist on confusion but with actual annoyance.

- I find it interesting that we can't be sure whether nobody knows about his power yet or whether they just aren't letting on that they know (although it sounds like Beatrice might know something), even though it doesn't make that much sense to me that Subaru has not tried to explain it, or the fact that he's from another world, even though he has established that magic is downright common here.

- On that note, I love that it sounds like there may be a thought-out, maybe even "hard", magic system that the people of this world know as a normal and understandable part of their environment and not just ad hoc contrivances.

- And I love that Subaru hasn't adapted well to his power, unlike many fantasy characters who, upon obtaining magic, take to it seemingly instinctively.  He behaves just as you might expect from someone who (1) has never experienced magic before and (2) has a power that is clearly horrifying to experience.  He even has difficulty not talking about things that happened previous times through, constantly confusing people in ways that are sometimes dramatic and sometimes just plain funny.

Much to my surprise, this also seems to be one of the very few shows I can watch more than three episodes of in a row without getting restless and wanting to go do something else.  Even shows I love, I can not usually binge watch.  But Re:ZERO sets up and uses its cliffhangers excellently.  Some shows have clear self-contained stories in each episode.  Some seem like they try to end in a way that at least sets up the next part of the story, if not necessarily do so suspensefully, but they choose bad places to break up the ongoing story.  Some shows end in ways that practically obligate you to keep watching because a single episode is so unsatisfying (and maybe they should've made a movie instead).  But here, I both end each episode having watched a useful and well-paced unit of story and it leaves off with open questions that keep me interested in what will happen next.

I am looking forward to the political intrigue or succession war or both that will presumably happen because there's no way "will Emilia take the throne?" doesn't become at least a main plot line.  I am looking forward to finding out why everyone loves Rem so much.  I am looking forward to seeing if (and how) Subaru ever matures and adjusts to his situation, and what his relationship to Emilia ends up being once they really know each other.  I’m just overall very excited and optimistic for the future of this show.  And I will be very upset if it unravels.

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For scoring on this review, I'd like to try something a little different.  I think I would like to add two things to supplement the Weeb Ass Shit scale, and I'll try this new approach for a few more reviews before deciding whether to keep it.

First, I was inspired by Yuri Reviews, which breaks ratings down much more specifically than the W/A/S, into Story, Characters, Animation, Sound, Yuri (of course), and Total Enjoyment, most of which would be merged incoherently into “Shit”.  Keeping in mind that combining unrelated features was exactly my problem with the "Shit" scale in the first place, I will try breaking down my evaluation roughly into writing vs. everything else.  That is, although I’ll still provide a single summary “Shit” score, I will try to explain it more thoroughly by having a category for things like characters, story, and translation (if egregious enough that even I, with almost no knowledge of Japanese, notice problems — I'm looking at you, Full Metal Panic!, with all your subtitles that keep trying to insist that "Teresa" is spelled "Teletha"), and another for character design, animation, sound, and anything else I feel like commenting on.

Second, given how "sexual content" can mean anything from risqué jokes to non-sexualized nudity to fanservice to depictions of sexual violence and there is no way in the W/A/S framework to evaluate other aspects prospective viewers should know (e.g., the surprise pivot from stylized violence to disturbing violence in R.O.D.), I will now provide "Content Notes" that, although not necessarily warnings in the "trigger warning" or "viewer discretion is advised" sense, highlight some things I think viewers should know about when deciding if this is appropriate for themselves or others.

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Deluxe W/A/S Scores: 4 / 3 / 2

Weeb: Although he announces what he means fairly explicitly, Subaru's dialogue and assumptions probably make more sense with some background knowledge on other isekai, especially the ones with bad reputations.  The genre isn't totally unknown to Western audiences, especially in the English-speaking world, but it's more common to see it with magical artifacts or wishes being the triggers for the transportation, not just leaving it as a mysterious force or reincarnation.  These are not well-known things to non-otaku American audiences.

Ass: Elsa’s costume is, er, quite revealing, and a few shots of Felt and Emilia are framed in fanservicey ways, but so far it's also hard to think of this show as titillating.  There is some barely-covered male nudity later on, too, but in one scene and not explicit.

Shit (writing): The characters who we encounter more than once are mostly interesting and have some depth and motivation to them, except for the gang that repeatedly mugs Subaru in the iterations of the first day.  The surprises surprised me, but as I said at the beginning, I'm dumb as a brick when it comes to twists.  So I'm not sure whether that's good writing or me being oblivious.

Shit (other): It's well-above-average-looking in terms of consistency and detail, and the designs of characters and places just consistently appeal to me.  I have a vaguely-formed idea I can't articulate that this seems very... well-framed, I think the word I'm looking for?  I don't know cinematography, but I know what gets my attention and leaves an impression.  I also want to bring special attention to a nice touch in the sound in episode 1B: when Subaru tells Felt, Rom, and Elsa that his occupation is "unemployed", the music pauses momentarily along with the action on-screen, emphasizing the other characters' awkward silence.

Content Notes: As might be expected in a show where the main character repeatedly dies, some of the violence crosses the line from stylized to unsettling and maybe even into disturbing.