#anyways insomnia is kicking my ass and making my audio processing go nuts

[writingfromruins]

Name: N/A

Date: You’re better off not knowing

1)

[a new answer has been added. It reads “when you realize it has already stopped hurting”]

2)

You stop by digging in your heels until your heels bleed and the earth cracks and you can’t keep going on like this, just please stop, please, please,

3)

“By the time you finish asking me if I’m okay I will have already decided to lie and say I am in an attempt to keep the peace. Please do not ask me more than once a day. I am not that good a liar yet.”

4)

Because you’ve dug your heels into the dirt so deep your legs are partially sunken in the soil. Because sometimes it feels like you don’t deserve it. Because sometimes you feel like moving forward is just an invitation to backslide. Because-because-because you know how to lie to yourself

5)

Personal Tragedy, summertime flavor. You close yourself in a closet and wait for the heat to wrap around you like the warmest not-hug. Like a snake, slowly constricting. Like - the air conditioner is running and you can hear it through the walls. You can hear your insides twist through your body. You can hear your heart beating. Somewhere else in the house a door closes. Someone is talking. There are footsteps on the stairs: your mother’s. You can hear - the heat sinks in and in and in and you start to drown in it. It hurts because it is blissfully not sound.

6)

Because rats in traps gnaw at themselves to get out. You’ve gnawed yourself bare of all the things restricting you and you still can’t move. You’ve bitten off all of your limbs.

7)

This quiz was about - have you ever run the numbers on how long you’ll have to stay awake before you can go back to sleep as soon as you wake up - have you ever written a poem just to make your mouth form the words - have you ever trapped yourself - have you ever thought of one moment in your life that acted as a metaphor for every other moment in your life - have you ever ached from that metaphor - why not? - have you ever realized you’re already aching? Why not? have you ever been afraid of gentleness - have you bruised - have you ever pressed on every bruise until it numbed the pain? are they green or purple or blue under your skin? Is the summer supposed to be blue? Is that still my favorite color? are there even other options? have you ever settled into your skin all wrong - have you ever taken a quiz to write a poem have you ever - this quiz is about - is about - is- your father and my father and a father abstracted  asking “are you okay” and meaning it and it is the summer strangle-hugging my house like some fast growing vine and it is every metaphor i have written in my entire life and - this quiz is about this poem.

No wait

I think I got that last bit backwards

POP QUIZ

DATE:

NAME:

1. When does it stop hurting? You may select multiple answers.

a. Never b. Upon the introduction of a new, more interesting wound c. Never d. Maybe someday e. Never

2. How do I stop? Answer in one full sentence.

3. Using context clues, deduce what I’m supposed to say to my father when he asks me if I’m okay. Use at least two vocabulary words in your answer.

4. Explain in at least three sentences why it is so much easier to give up, no matter how much it hurts you, than to keep going, no matter how many rewards you may reap.

5. Describe a personal tragedy and explain why it hurts. Answer in one paragraph or less.

6. Explain why it hurts. Answer in one paragraph or less.

7. What was this quiz about? Why did you take it? Why did you answer the questions? Why didn’t it make sense to you? Did you think of one event for question 5, or did you have to choose from several? Did you choose the one that hurts the worst or the one that hurts the least? Why? Are you afraid to think about it? The tragedy or the question? Was it hard? Have you practiced answering it before? With whom? How did they react? Were you uncomfortable? If they reacted with kindness, did their kindness ache like a bruise or like a tight grip? If they reacted with cruelty, were you angry or just used to it? Have you learned to adjust? Is it adjustment or numbness? Which would be worse? Are you tired of hurting? Do you want to get better or just give up? Is it in your nature to keep trying or flinch away from the future like a fist? Does the future seem real to you, or like a myth your peers keep repeating? Does it feel more real as you advance into it, or less real? Why do you think that is? Do you still have a favorite color? Did you ever have one? When people asked you what it was, as a child, did you have your answer ready or did it change every time? Were you telling the truth? Were you lying? Could you decide then? Can you decide now? Do you think it will stop hurting someday? Are you willing to wait? When you consider not waiting anymore, does that take the form of ripping your peace from the nebulous future with your bare hands to have it now or simply never having it at all? Do you feel you deserve peace? Why or why not? Has your father asked you if you’re okay lately? If yes, do you feel he meant it? When will he mean it? Answer in one paragraph or less.