#anyways im sorry i havent replied to messages. ill do it when i feel better

[celticwoman]

.

[normal-thoughts-official]

With a little help from your friends (the help is praise kink and the friend is your boyfriend)

Who would have thought that fucking your boyfriend senseless cures dysphoria.

Alternatively: being a dom is actually something that can be so gender,

Fandom: It Lives (Visual Novels)

Pairing: Andy Kang/Tom Sato

Additional tags: let's see, mild mentions of transphobic and racist comments, Comfort Sex, the filthiest comfort sex uve ever seen but WHATEVER, dom andy kang, sub tom sato, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Dom/sub Play, Collars, Praise Kink, basically someone says transphobic shit and then tom rides him and talks about how wonderful andy is, except tom has also been in denial for a few days and he's super horny, and andy gets in domspace and everything is great and nothing hurts, Fluff and Smut, Humor, cuz u know these two are incapable of taking anything too seriously, Established Relationship, oh they're both in college and they go to the same college cuz i said so, set after the events of it lives beneath, that's it I think, trans author if that matters to you

Read it on Ao3

Andy isn't having a great day. It's not a terrible, clawing-at-his-chest-trying-to-deal-with-dysphoria kind of day, but he's been trying out this "not comparing everything to the worst possible scenario" thing his therapist has been talking about, so still, not a great day.

The thing is, he thought college would be easier. And it is, in a lot of ways. For starters, there is no evil monster spectre trying to kill him, which gives college at least 5 points over high school. And his uni has a pretty solid queer club, so he knows other trans people there. Some of them are even non-white. Some of them he even actually, truly likes. And most of the time, he feels like he has a place to turn to, and people to support him. He's not alone. He has people who get him. And that makes all the difference.

But basketball is still a nightmare, and his knee still hurts when it's cold, and winter is officially starting now.

People still hesitate to pass the ball to him, and it's frustrating, because Andy fought so hard to earn his old team's trust and now he's back at square zero. And well, Andy has been gaining this team's trust, because he's good, goddamn it, and his team owes at least the last three victories to him. He's not hesitant to say that, especially because otherwise no one will. And he can see that they look at him differently now - nod at him in the hallways, at least, talk to him in the locker room, pass him the fucking ball if his position is very, very open.

But if he weren't trans and Asian, he wouldn't have had to work so hard to get all of that - or well, just that, really. He has a full sports scholarship despite the fact that he had a broken leg, had to retake his last year of high school, and doesn't even have the body type for basketball. If he weren't Asian, if he weren't trans, his team would have assumed his greatness from day one. Instead, he has to show it to them time and time again only to get them to reluctantly admit maybe he's not bad. No one calls him "triple threat" anymore, but he still has to work three times harder than anyone else, and it's frustrating.

And usually Andy can deal with it, but right now his knee hurts, and he can't afford that because he'll lose everything he's worked for if his teammates know that his fucking knee hurts. So, he braved training and then he got the fuck out of there without even changing so no one would see him wince. Which means he's still in basketball shorts, which are short, in the cold, which means his leg hurts more.

At times like these, he's thankful he never got the chance to go through with his promise to break his other leg kicking Noah's ass. Because he would have, and then both his legs would be hurting right now, and two legs that hurt every time it's cold is just too many legs.

No comparing to the worst possible scenario, he tells himself. Therapy is so hard. If he had known there would be homework, he would have thought twice about going.

And that's, apparently, the cue for his phone to go off. Andy smiles, knowing who it is even before he opens the message, because only one person messages him during class, and it's the only person he wants to hear from right now.

Tom <3 sent you a message

Grinning like a fool, he opens it.

Tom <3: dude, im horny af rn. the fuck

Finally, good news, Andy thinks, smiling. Then he remembers why Tom is so horny, and suddenly this day is great, actually.

He quickly types a reply.

You: who wouldve thought that 3 days of denial would make this happen

Tom <3: ill have u kno i was very good at holding it together before today

You: yeah, dw. soon u wont have to hold it anymore ;)

Tom <3: that flirt was terrible, dude

You: said the guy whos calling me dude for the second time in this conversation

Tom <3: what else should i call u? 😩

Andy thinks for a second. Tom and him do longer-term denial every once in a while, but they aren't in a 24/7 relationship. Does Andy really want to go there right now? Yes. Well, that was fast. Okay then.

You: how about "sir"

Tom's reply comes fast as lightning.

Tom <3: Yes, Sir.

Andy smirks at himself.

You: uve been hoping that id say that, havent u?

Tom types for just a little longer this time.

Tom <3: Yes, Sir.

----

Many things are wrong with the world, and Andy doesn't mean to make light of the other things, but the fact that Andy can't simply go and fuck his boyfriend whenever he wants is definitely one of them. It should be, like, financial compensation or something. We're so sorry the school environment is transphobic, here, have a free sex pass. Sounds fair to him. But instead, he still has two hours of classes to go through, and Andy is a better guy than he wishes he was, so he tells Tom to pay attention to class instead of sexting him, because he doesn't want Tom to struggle even more with his course when he had already had to leave it once. God damn true love or whatever.

The point is, by the time classes are finally over, his day is back to not being that great; he's tired, and his leg hurts. He gets to their car after Tom does, and Tom takes one look at him, and says, "I'm driving".

Andy crosses his arms. "Why?"

"Because your leg hurts," Tom answers, rolling his eyes and taking Andy's bag from him and putting it in the trunk.

Andy looks down at his legs. He wasn't limping. There aren't any bruises. How the hell-

"It's cold and you're in shorts. I'm not an idiot, dude."

Right. Yeah. Right. Of course. Tom knows. It's… It's alright.

"Bad day at training?" Tom asks, slowly, sympathetically, and Andy feels himself settle in his skin a little bit.

"The usual," he answers, getting inside, and, as always, Tom gets the hint.

---

Their uni's dorms are gender-segregated because these guys have still not gotten the memo that people of the same gender fuck; and Andy wasn't willing to deal with cis college guys' bullshit, much less cis college girls' bullshit; and the uni wouldn't let him simply pick Tom as his roommate. So, they rented out a beat up apartment right next to it instead. It took a little longer to get there, but it wasn't a lot longer, and well, it was worth it.

Tom gets inside, still carrying Andy's bag because he's transphobic and unfair and had taken it and bolted up running so Andy wouldn't have a chance to argue with him. And Andy can't run after him with his leg hurting, which kind of proves Tom's point that he should carry Andy's bag. All in all, Tom is the worst, and he turns up the heat as soon as he gets inside and sits Andy down on the bed, kneeling in front of him to take a look at Andy's knee.

He's silent for a while, massaging his knee until Andy sighs and throws his head back, before Tom plants a little kiss on his knee and looks up at him. Andy's knee always stops hurting when Tom kisses it better. It's a little embarrassing, if Andy is being honest, but still- nice. Really nice.

They stay for a little longer like this, Tom humming and massaging his knee and Andy not meeting his eyes, until the question inevitably comes.

"What happened?" Tom asks, not letting up with the smooth movements of his hands, his eyes big and sincere with worry.

"Nothing. Just the cold. You know how my knee gets."

"I meant, for you to leave practice without putting some warmer clothes on."

Andy looks away. "It was nothing."

"Dude, are you expecting me to go, 'okay, yeah, that totally makes sense and I believe you', or…?"

Andy laughs, despite himself, and throws his good leg up in an almost-kick to pretend he's retaliating. "Don't be an ass."

"I'm not. Come on, Andy. You know you can tell me."

"It's nothing, it's just- Kyle-"

"Oh boy."

Andy laughs. "Yeah." But then he grows serious, "the thing is, he doesn't mean any harm, you know? I know he's not saying it to hurt me, and so that just means that, like... that it's true."

Tom's hands stop their movements, rubbing soothing circles around his knee instead. "What did he say?"

Andy doesn't look at him. "He asked me why I didn't stay on the women's team. Said that I could have an advantage, cuz Asian people are androgynous anyway, so no one would notice that I was taking hormones."

Tom just stares at him in shock for a moment.

"And I was like, 'dude, I've been on T for three years, I'm pretty sure they would notice the changes'. And he was like, 'yeah, but you still look like a lot of Asian girls with short hair, you could write it off if you wanted', and I just…" He trails off.

Tom waits in silence for a second, seeing if Andy finds his words, before asking, "Is Kyle, like, okay?"

Andy scoffs. "I didn't try and fight him, if that's what you're asking."

"No, I mean, does this dude have a screw loose or something?"

"He's very bad at figuring out what is or isn't offensive, yeah, but it's not like he really cares, he just won't go out of his way to antagonize me."

"No, I just- Andy, even when you were a little kid with huge pigtails, anyone would have to be crazy to see you as a girl."

Andy bites the inside of his lip. "You're just saying that."

"I'm not. It's just wrong, man. It was so obvious that it was wrong. Anyone could tell. There's nothing about you that says 'girl' to anyone who's looking."

Andy sighs, finally risking looking at Tom's eyes. There's overwhelming sincerity there, and Andy instinctively looks away. "I guess. Maybe. I don't know. It just got me thinking... Maybe T didn't change anything. Maybe I look exactly the same, maybe it was just hopeful thinking that had me thinking it would change anything, maybe it's just- pointless to even try-"

"No, no, come on," Tom says, and the interruption is so sudden it makes Andy look at him again, just in time to see Tom shaking his head vigorously. "There's no way you believe that. What about this bad boy over here?" He smiles, reaching out softly to caress Andy's neck. "You have more of an Adam's Apple than me, dude. And we both know you don't need T to be a guy, but thinking it made no difference is just crazy and you know it. What about those dry pecs? These broad shoulders of yours? Your voice, I mean, come on. You even smell different, man. How can it be pointless, if even your scent is different?"

Andy looks to the side again, but he can feel himself smile. "Well, when you put it like that..."

Tom gets up, but stays close, putting his hand on Andy's cheek, slowly, as if testing the waters, before turning him slightly to look at him. "Andy. Kyle is an idiot and a transphobic racist who's too damn lazy to realize how fucked up he is. And you shouldn't have to deal with that, and I'm sorry, and I will set him on fire."

Andy laughs. "You can't keep threatening to set every shitty teammate I have on fire."

"I can, because it keeps making you laugh," Tom says, smiling. Well. Andy can't argue with that. "My point is, you wouldn't listen to a word this dude says if it were about anyone else, so don't listen to him when he talks about you, okay? T or no T, you're no girl, and you don't look like a girl, and regardless of whether or not Kyle's dumb ass noticed it, your transition has been doing you good. Remember when your voice started to crack and get all weird? I've never seen anyone be that happy about it."

Andy laughs. "It was pretty awful."

"No, it was great, 'cause you loved it. Do you want me to pull out the 'before' pictures we took in case this happened? Look at yourself, dude. You fit so much better in your own skin, you know? And like, you've always been gorgeous, but-"

"Come here," Andy interrupts, pulling him down because Tom is standing and Andy is sitting and Andy is already height-challenged. And Tom goes willingly, carefully straddling Andy's lap and meeting him in a kiss. Finally, Andy thinks.

Tom kisses him softly, slowly, one hand resting on the back of Andy's head and the other draped lazily over his shoulder, as he usually does, all gentle and a little hesitant, and Andy is having none of that. So he grabs Tom's hair and deepens the kiss, bringing him closer until their chests are flushed together and he can feel Tom's hips mindlessly making little circles against Andy's belly.

They separate - or well, stop kissing, really, because Tom is still as close to Andy as physically possible, and Andy feels about ready to shoot anyone who tries to push him further away. Tom's a little breathless, and his hips are still making these almost imperceptible movements against Andy, and Andy realizes that he's still grabbing Tom's hair and that he's a little breathless, too.

Tom looks down at him for a second, as if debating something with himself, before saying, "and like, not to be horny during a serious moment, but since we're talking about the effects of T... Andy. Andy. Your clit. Fuck. It's so huge now, and it's got a visible head and you can fuck my face and everything, and I could sing it praises for a week and probably will if you don't stop me right now."

"Hmm, but I like it when you sing me praises," he smiles. "Keep going."

"God, I was hoping you'd say that. Do you have any idea how much I've been thinking about it today? I didn't hear a single word anyone said to me, all I could think about was you fucking my face, pulling my hair, making me worship you and beg to be allowed to suck you off, I wanna serve you like you're my God." Tom's hips start to jerk up, more visibly this time, shameless, and see, this is why Andy's been really, really liking this whole denial thing - Tom has only started to explore his subby side recently, a little ashamed of it to admit it to anyone, even himself. But when he's horny enough, he gets shameless and desperate about what he wants, and god, nothing is more beautiful than Tom when he asks for what he wants. He feels something growing inside of him, not sure if it's warmth or heat, but seeing Tom like that, wanting him, needing him, definitely makes him feel so much better.

"Yeah?" Andy asks, tracing a finger over Tom's shoulder, close to his neck, just to give him goosebumps.

"Fuck yes, I want it so bad, and you deserve it too, Andy… Sir. You're the best Sir I could ask for, I just want… Want you to use me, want you to cum on me, want to kiss you all over and worship you and pleasure you, you're so gorgeous..." He hides his face in Andy's shoulder for a bit, but his hips don't stop moving. He whines, "Andy..."

"Address me properly," Andy snaps, feeling the edges of worry clear from his mind and giving way to that wonderful feeling of clear-mindedness, of power, where nothing matters but his own pleasure. "And maybe I'll give you what you want, if you earn it."

Tom nods, hips full on thrusting now, and Andy snaps again. "Stay still."

And he does, immediately, without question, biting his lip and keeping his eyes shut with effort. Andy can feel his thighs clenching and spasming over his, trying to keep himself from moving, trying to be good. He hums in appreciation, but doesn't praise him for it, not yet.

"I'll get you ready," Andy explains, before reaching to Tom's hair, and starts to undo his bun, as slow as possible, just to watch him squirm. He gets so impatient when Andy undresses him, which is why Andy never misses a chance to drag it out.

He begins by removing Tom's jacket, sliding his hands slowly over his shoulders, then down his back, feeling the firm muscle there, digging his nails just a little bit so he can see Tom's eyes flutter in bliss. When the jacket falls to the floor, Andy begins circling the hem of his shirt, sliding until his hands are back on front, fingers just close enough to Tom's cock for him to feel Tom tense in his hands, so damn sensitive to his touch, so needy. God, he can't get enough of this, but he pretends that he doesn't notice, lets Tom try and keep himself together as Andy's hands slide over his belly, then chest, over the shirt, collarbone, wrapping and resting on Tom's throat just so he feels the threat of it, before Andy finally grabs the back of the shirt's collar and tugs, taking it off. Then he slides his hands back down, making sure to run a finger just over the sensitive spot where his pecs end, then lower, over his ribcage, belly, hips, next to the bruises where Andy had grabbed him the night before, then back to the middle, just over the bulge in his pants, and Tom finally breaks and jerks up slightly, letting out a little moan.

"Sir," he whines, "please, please, I-" Andy continues to circle the head of his cock with his finger, "please!"

"Patience," is all he says, before going back to his painfully light movements, imagining Tom's needy cock twitching under his fingers, imagining the effort Tom makes not to thrust up or keep begging for more, just because Andy told him not to. "You know how much I like playing with your pretty little cock. You said you wanted to serve me, didn't you?"

"Yes- yes, Sir."

He hums, noncommittally, not looking at him. "Good." He teases the tip of his clothed cock some more, enjoying the way his mind zeroes on that, the way he feels like he has all the power and the time in the world. Finally, he pats Tom's thigh once. "Get off, and take off the rest of your clothes. Get the lube and a condom."

Tom gets up, a little shaky, and does as instructed, while Andy reaches down to the drawer under the bed where he keeps his dick's spine and a few of their toys. He gets the spine, then adjusts his packer briefs so he can put it on - best purchase of his life, really, those briefs. So much easier to use than a regular strap-on and it makes the packer sit over his clit just right, making a little suction and pressure. Andy couldn't be happier that he was already wearing them.

Tom gets back with everything he asked right in time for Andy to finish making his dick hard, and goes on to put the condom on and cover Andy's cock in lube with the kind of attention that makes Andy hold his breath. Tom's so careful, yet eager, and adoring, about it. Andy feels like the hottest guy in the world.

Once he gets permission, Tom sits on his cock, slowly, getting adjusted to it - admittedly, Andy went a little overboard when he bought his first cock. Andy waits until Tom is fully seated, littering his neck with little kisses and praise for how well he's taking him, how pretty he looks, until Tom looks fully comfortable and ready to start complaining if Andy doesn't start fucking him in earnest soon. That's when Andy shows him the other item he pulled from the drawer - Tom's favorite collar.

Tom's reaction is instantaneous. He throws his head back, moving over Andy's cock as he lets out a breathless, almost choked moan; the hands he had resting on Andy's shoulders suddenly squeezing full force in his need.

"God, you're such a whore," Andy says, casually, and Tom nods, even as he flushes. The collar is just a simple black one, with a little hoop for the leash, but inside they had it engraved with the words Andy's whore, and it left visible marks that could be seen for a few hours after they took it off. It never failed to drive Tom crazy, so it always drove Andy crazy, too. "Stay still," he warns, and Tom nods, breathing heavily, gripping Andy's shoulder as tight as he can as he stays frozen in place. Andy slowly puts it around his neck, checking with his finger to make sure it's not too tight, and the second he clasps it in place, Tom's whole body relaxes, a content little sigh escaping his lips, his face slack and blissed out. He likes being owned, so much. Andy can't get enough of it. "Good?" he asks, just to make sure it's not too tight.

"Perfect," Tom answers, the words leaving him in a sigh. Andy then ties the leash to the headboard, making sure that they're just far enough from it that he'll be feeling its pull the whole time. Tom lets out a moan. "Thank you, Sir."

Andy smirks. "Now, here's what I want you to do," he says, "you're going to ride me, just like that, and you're not going to come until I tell you to. You're definitely not going to come before I do. If you come close, you'll have to tell me. I want to hear you scream, so make as much noise as you want. Do you understand?"

Tom nods again, almost dizzyingly quick. "Yes, Sir."

"Good, then get to it."

Tom doesn't need to be told twice. He starts riding him, slowly at first, trying to find the perfect angle for Andy - not himself, Andy notices, pleased. Once it's perfect, Andy orders, "faster, slut,” and Tom obeys, as always, working up speed as he tries to keep himself upright, feeling the tug of his leash with every movement, moaning the whole time. “Good boy,” Andy says, and Tom’s responding whine is high pitched, embarrassing, needy. He gets even faster then, starting to babble as he keeps on working, and Andy just stays casually in place, not having to do a single thing while Tom works to give him pleasure.

"Fuck, you're so perfect, did you know that?" Tom asks, quickly sliding down on Andy's cock, making sure he puts all this weight in the end so Andy's cock will press down against his clit just the way he likes, making sure to go as deep as possible, "I've been dreaming of your cock for days, god, Sir, nothing's better than this," he hides his face in Andy's shoulder, speeding up even more, thighs shaking with the effort, and Andy puts a fist in his hair and pulls, watching as Tom throws his head back and lets out a scream, working even faster on Andy's cock. "Sir!," he whines, "oh, thank you, thank you, feels so good, oh my god, please, I'm gonna-"

"No, you won't," Andy interrupts, "I'm not even close to coming yet. Keep working, slut."

"Y-yes, Sir," he whines, going faster, deeper, and Andy makes it harder for him, keeps pulling at his hair to expose his neck, litters kisses and bites on his exposed throat, grabs his thigh and squeezes hard enough to bruise so Tom remembers he's his, his whore, his toy.

"I love it when you get like this," Andy says, doing his best to keep his tone even, even as he's a little breathless from pleasure, from power, "I bet you want to come so bad, don't you? If I'd just give you the word, you'd be making a mess of yourself, coming on my cock right now-"

"Fuck! Yes, yes, Sir, please, I'm so close."

Andy smiles. "No."

Tom whines, so cute, adorable, and Andy is nice enough to leave a little kiss on his shoulder, grounding, calming him down. Before going right back to torturing him, "no, you don't get to come for a long time yet. I want you just like this, on edge, tasting it…" Andy grins. "Tell me how close you are, baby."

"I'm- I'm so close-"

Andy slaps him in the face. "You can do better than that."

"Fuck, I feel like I'm going to explode, I'm so close, I want it so bad, and you feel so good, God, you have no idea what you do to me, Sir, your cock is so perfect, it hurts, I need it- need to cum on your cock, Sir, please-"

"No."

Tom chokes on a moan, and starts to go even faster. He lets out a little whine, something Andy thinks was supposed to be a word, but doesn't come close.

"See," Andy says, "this is why I won't let you come. Look at you - every time I tell you no, you get so desperate, so obedient - it's what you want, isn't it? You want me to keep telling you no, you want to know your pleasure doesn't matter, that you're just here to serve me."

"Yes! Yes, yes, yes-"

"Good, then keep going. And beg all you want- I like telling you no, too."

Tom does. He begs, and he says thank you when Andy denies him, again and again and again. Thank you, Sir, thank you for using me, for putting me in my place, I'm yours, I'm yours. And he keeps on praising Andy, praising his cock, his body, the way he fucks him and uses him, no one else makes me feel like this, no one deserves to be worshipped and served like you, Sir, I want to make you feel good-... Until even the clear-minded state of domspace begins to crumble and Andy feels nothing but pleasure, and confidence, and power, and he cums to the sound of Tom praising him and begging, once, twice, three times, until his head is clear again and everything, even the need to chase his own pleasure, is gone, and he just feels perfect.

"Stop," he orders Tom, who's still babbling more and more incoherently, endless praise and worship, and Andy finds that he worships Tom right back. "I want you to get my cock as deep inside you as you can, and stay still. I'm going to play with your dick for a while, and when I tell you to, you can come. You did well today, baby."

Tom nods, suddenly struggling to use his words. "T-thank you, Sir," he says, already frozen in place, thighs clenching with the effort not to move and also shaking with all the effort he did before.

Andy coos. "Poor baby. You were so good to me today. Let me take care of you."

"You always- always do, Sir," Tom replies, and Andy smiles.

He gives Tom a long, slow handjob, making sure Tom stays still through it, enjoying the way his thighs shake on top of Andy's, the pressure of Tom sitting tight on his cock, the way his arms also shake with effort where they rest around Andy's neck; Tom's pretty, exposed throat all marked up around his collar, his breathless little whines as Andy makes sure to do it just the way he likes it, makes his cock turn red with need; watches Tom bite his lip, because when he has to keep still he becomes so quiet and needy, even as the little whines go through his lips… Until Andy finally says, "come for me, baby," and Tom screams through an orgasm that lasts almost a minute, hanging on to Andy as tightly as he can to keep himself anchored through the pleasure.

And then Andy holds him, and Tom holds him back, and they hold each other.

----

A while later, they've cleaned up Tom's cum so it doesn't get all sticky on Andy's chest, and Andy's finally taken off those damn briefs - they're great for sex, but get pretty tight when you wear them for a long time - and Andy holds Tom against his chest. He's humming, contently, and if anyone had told him at the beginning of the day that he'd be comfortable enough to have someone close to him while he's fully naked, he'd - well, probably assume they meant Tom, but still be skeptical.

"How do you feel?" Tom asks after a little while, finally opening up his eyes and saying hello to the world.

"That's supposed to be my line," Andy laughs.

"I feel great. Perfect. Next time, I wanna do it for longer. A week? Let's try a week. Or two weeks…?"

Andy laughs. "Let's not make too big of a leap yet."

"Fine. A week sounds good. Great. And now that we've established that denial is totally bomb for me, how are you feeling?"

"Honestly? I'm feeling great, too," Andy admits, playing with a little stray of Tom's hair, swirling it around his finger, "I think I needed that, a little bit. Who'd have thought that having you ride me and praise my cock cures dysphoria."

"Every trans top on every forum I've ever visited."

"Let me have my moment of realization," Andy mumbles, faux-annoyed. Tom just laughs, holding him closer.

"I'm just glad I could help," he says.

"Please tell me you didn't ride my cock just to help."

"Well, no, in case you hadn't noticed, I was horny as fuck. I just tried to, you know. Use that to give you a little push. Since you wanted to. Y'know. Also, it was all true. So..."

"Thanks, love," Andy says, earnestly. "I love you."

"I love you more."

They bicker about it, and Andy's smiling the rest of the day.

[honeyfreckled]

hey hoes im back

i know i haven’t been on here and the queue just been posting for me for the last week so that’s what you been seeing

im sorry if it felt like i was ignoring u promise i wasnt

some of yall may already be aware- but

 i have a chronic illness and had to go a week w/out the only medicine that allows me to get out of pain enough to live like a normal human basically. albeit still in major pain, but way more functional. able get out of bed, do my chores, wash myself, eat (like i havent eaten in a week bc of the pain and nausea and vomiting from severe pain, i just drank water), the meds allow me to use my words better (when im chatting/messaging/texting while im not on the meds i have to use autoguess and autocorrect and also read it aloud and concentrate pretty hard so thats why i’ll have been not talking much to u guys), the meds help me play w my dog, hang out w my bf, feel up to doin’ some toe curlin’ w my bf lol, feel up to watching even a youtube video bc otherwise not on meds i cant focus on anything longer than like a music video. tv shows and movies are pert near impossible bc my focus just isnt quick enough so i stay off anything besides like instagram and mainly talking to the one person on here who always checks on me and gets all my drama and pain and to that person- jenny i love u dearly and cant thank u enough for all the friendship, support, love, understanding and care u give me daily even when im failing hard to return it. @junk-food-forever

obviously this means for the past week i wasn’t working on requests and patreon stuff. also just to let everyone know-

any and every request i get on here will strictly go to patreon only. the only creations of mine you may find on here will be old posts, textposts of just like opinions and not actual “content content”, and TEASERS FOR PATREON WORKS. so if u have sent me any requests and are wondering where they are, u can pls remind me to and I’ll publish a teaser on here w a link to my patreon if u are inclined to check it out further. the price breakdowns are featured there as well. patreon is a well trusted site and many creators are moving over there due to tumblr followers/readers lack of support w reblogs and feedback and comments and their entitlement when it comes to feeling like the writers aren’t owed those simple things. i have a feeling eventually tumblr won’t be the hot spot for fic writers at all anymore, it’s already going that way by the dozens. 

my prices range from $4, $7, and $10 per month. and I feel like i offer a good amount of perks in each of those tiers. if u have further inquiries send em to me via an ask  on here (i cannot view any replies) and i can help u figure things out if money is an issue or confusion or anything.

anyway just a lil update from yr resident weirdo. promise im not begging for money, just a disabled artist out here, trying to make what i can when my mind/body allows me to and i appreciate you all for understanding. 

[jooheongif]

it's theory anon,hi!!how are YOU?i'm really good rn thanks:)) thank you for your kindness again,i'm really happy i could somehow help to help you feel even a tiny bit better and hope you're doing well now,too(and it's ok to not rest on your day off but it's also ok to do so if that's what you feel is right for you atm!).about the mf(ilm), i thought the same thing, it felt like a parallel universe type of story!i also really love plotlines about friendship, (again cont.i'll try to be briefer!)

(i’m so sorry i wrote a rly long reply so i’m gonna put this under read more !!)

2. friendship is beautiful and i feel oftentimes underappreciated(but not mx!there they go again being amazing) so i love the concept. personally i like not knowing what exactly the producers were thinking because having my own interpretation of something and seeing other ppl have their own fills me with wonder,like,that's art!so many people think so many different things and no one's wrong i love it!!your thoughts about them appreciating everything they've done so far,you're absolutely right(cont) 3. i hope they are able to bc everything's so hectic for the.i get lost just looking at their official schedule,i don't know how they do it but i also hope they are aware of all these things bc those are all mindblowingly huge accomplishments in my opinion and i just want them to feel like their hard work is worth it,yknow?(is this comprehensible?)and i know they feel pressure because as you said the business is nasty but yea i hope at the end of the day they can feel like (cont.???again 4. everything they've put so much of themselves into is worth it,i love their energy and fierce determination and i just don't want them to lose it but maybe as you said feel less pressured..but then the only way would realistically be to make sure they get awarded in the Real World so we're all doing our best in the system&hating it as you said:/ they just mean so much to so many people i want them to feel that too!i try to contain myself but here i go again! sorry it's so long AND i have more(con 5. also!thank you for your big reply and sharing your thoughts i mostly just agreed with (but you're right so what else can i do),i don't have mbb friends to vent to and fanperson(is there a gender neutral term for fanboy/fangirl?) over mx with and this is really nice and fulfilling(again,if i'm boring you,you can just delete the messages and not reply!) so THANKS!it's great to strive to be a better person but i feel like one(you) should also acknowledge the good things they're already doing(cont?) 6. you showed such pure kindness and really melted someone's(my) heart and that's a Big Deal!djkghddgwe can agree that we both inspired each other :') also please i feel like you're such a wonderful soul and you really deserve every bit of gratitude and appreciation i managed to express(i feel a lot moreprobably) so!yeah!reminder that you're lovely and deserve to be appreciated and i'm also very,very happy you're here!you made my day brighter for the 2nd time now wow!thanks! i hope you and(cont.:() 7. your gorgeous heart are taking good care and enjoying your day/night! and this cb!i really like it i haven't had time to listen to the entire album but jealousy!is a bop honestly it's my type of jam and the choreo is stunning and so are their voices!iwas so skeptical about the lyrics(they could've been like hero or stuck and those made me a bit >:/ honestly) but i really should've known they wouldn't fail me in any way ever!i can't wait to hear the rest of the songs i hope you enjoy them too!bye

hi theory anon, it's nice to hear from u again ! firstly, i am so sorry for the slow reply to this ! but im rly glad to know that u are doing good :-) i'm doing ok too thank u !! how are u ? kfjjfdsjfdf sorry that u had to read my tags but thank u for saying that !! i just feel so guilty when i do nothing bc im absolutely terrified of time passing too quickly ? just the thought of letting a few minutes go to waste is overwhelming ? even though i know it's not rational to think like this but ??? theres just this constant feeling that im running out of time so i try to get rid of it by always doing smth ?? and feel bad when i dont ? idk ?? but anyway im working on it and ill be ok ! sorry..not to be dramatic and tmi and all that kjdfdj istg this blog gives me too much freedom to say...too much :( (hope the internet folks that collect metadata never read the garbage i write bc..yikes they aren't gonna hav the best time) anyway..yea. what a paragraph to start off this reply :( sorry for the honesty and saying so much all the time btw :( not that being honest is necessarily a bad thing but ! idk every time i write smth i suddenly feel extra self conscious and feel like deleting it bc im rly embarrassed and always end up having big regret later when i reread anything ive typed up !! but i just keep writing them anyway bc...idk ?? i'd rly hate it if someone got discouraged from sharing their thoughts/worries/feelings which i think is a rly important human thing :( so  yea im rly embarrassed w anything i write but i'll keep doing it anyway bc i'm all for that kind of stuff and sometimes i know its not easy and it takes someone a lot to share that and its a good thing and i dont ever want anyone to feel discouraged from doing that ! anyway i just felt like i rly needed to say all of this..but pls dont feel obliged to reply to this mess !! anyway back to mx ! you are right :( i also hope mx feel like what they've done is worth smth w/e their definition or standard of that is :( like.. all of the hard work they've put into being mx it certainly means so much to fans but i hope all the hard work they've put into being mx also means smth to them at the end of the day and they are happy w what they're doing and what they've achieved so far :( and yes we'd love mx to always be rewarded in the real world :( though we love them and we want to get them a win, i know that everyone has their commitments, means and different circumstances and we can only do so much :( but even if u think its just a small contribution, everything adds up and counts and i know that all mbb hav contributed in some way in helping them get another win for this cb ! there are some mbb who can't buy albums or streaming passes and things and i hope they don't feel bad for this :( even if all you can do is watch the mv once or twice, even if you could only vote, i hope you know that it all counts and matters !! abt mx's schedule, i get tired just by looking at their weekly one idk how they can even put up w it all ?? after this they'll hav their japanese album and things and then they'll have their concerts and on top of all that apparently [some of them are also studying] ????? they are so hardworking :( HOW do they do it !! just..thinking abt their schedule is overwhelming !!! also pls dont think that you're boring me or anything like that :( im so thankful for any msg i receive and the fact that u actually took the time to type out smth to send to me ?? im so grateful ?? u are never boring !! honestly even if u sent me a stainless steel dishwasher manual w the page length of like..23 bibles, i'd still love u for it and i'd prob read all of it :( btw thank u sm for saying all those kind things !!! receiving kindness for the 3rd time is rly !!!!!!! and once again i've done nothing to deserve it :( i dont even know what i can say to you that will ever be enough to thank u again or to top what u hav already said ! if there was like a...maslows hierarchy of kindness of smth, ur at the very top of that triangle and anything i say will never be as kind as what you have said !! for you, i can agree that we both inspired each other :-) but really thank u so much from the bottom of my heart :( i hope you know how kind and lovely u are too ! if nobody told u this today, i wanted to say that im rly grateful to know u and i'm happy that you're here !! thank u again for being so kind and thoughtful and for making me smile !! :( same, i havent properly listened to the whole album either bc ive just been letting it stream in the background (but i dont count that as a proper listen unless i listen w headphones tbh) ill give it a good listen one day ! also im a repeat 1 kind of garbage person until i feel the need to listen to a new song ?? and rn jealousy to me is a song that gets better w every listen ??? shes too powerful atm :( one day ill listen to another song but today is not that day ! Actually.....I think jealousy is my fav mx song ???? before this cb i didnt hav a fav bc i couldnt pick the song i liked most out of blue moon/blind/fighter/incomparable. i was just gonna base it off the one w the most play count out of those 4 but now i know its jealousy ! what are ur fav mx songs ?? btw i know im always saying that anything mx releases is always a masterpiece no matter what, but in all seriousness its ok if u didn't like smth they released. i don't think it makes u any less of a mbb if u didn't enjoy a certain release or if u only liked one aspect of a thing but not so much the rest of the thing. anyway not to sound so...stale and commonplace but for lack of a better word/sentence, at the end of the day your own reactions and feelings to a piece of art like music...it's all just subjective isnt it ?? not liking that thing doesnt mean that its not a masterpiece or its any less of a masterpiece to someone else either so !! it's ok !! anyway this is rly....ive written a lot and its all over the place and incoherent probably :( i'm sorry !! feel free to reply whenever u feel like it, or no pressure on never replying at all btw ! also feel free to disagree w anything i say ! thank u sm for talking to me abt mx bc ive also got no mbb friends so !!! thank you :( theres so many times where i rly want to start a conversation w someone but im too scared and also i've got no clue abt how to initiate conversation ! and the times when i do manage to...i get stuck on how to keep the conversation going ? but when i figure smth out then im coming for u @ friendship !! i hope u had a good weekend and that you got some rest and that ur doing ok wherever u are !! until next time, take care ❤️❤️❤️

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

⭐🥀TRIGGER WARNING!!

Introducing Last Night At 3AM. I Lost Control. Yet Another Breakdown, I Had about 30 breakdowns. No pity sympathy or attention. && NO I WAS NOT ON DRUGS! I'm over 1 year sober. Alvaro took over (one of my demons/alters) && Dancing Fire (another one) possessed me to the point I almost got a cop call. I don't wanna be a burden &: I wanna save fix care support be there for everyone and everything. I'm sick of being alive. But I can't do anything stupid cuz of me getting concerved to a state institution (which is way different than a mental hospital) cuz I've been in 215 mental hospitals & got diagnosed Critically/Clinically Insane plus over 10+ mental hospitals. All I have is my mom. The breakdowns the vivid flashbacks the mental illnesses getting 10x worse. No treatment will take me cuz I've been to all of them to many times. I can't process anything. My mind imprisons me. I dissociate 89 to 99% of the day. I've been thru every single sorts of treatments/medication I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018. I'm losing my mind. And everyday it's the same thing and people get tired of hearing it.I'm so done with dealing with this everyday. I don't need sympathy. I just don't know man. My mom&& lil brother doesn't want me home, I can't explain what's wrong or going on. I don't wanna be a burden. I'm sorry man. I wanted to self harm again but I didn't. Imagine all my mental illnesses multiplied by 10. Imagine EVERYDAY HAVING VIVID FLASHBACKS AND 22+ Mental Breakdowns a day. I.am sorry if I'm negative. I'm sorry. I just wanna save and fix the world. When people ask me "how are u" idk how much reply. I'm sick of my mind. I feel like darkness is controlling me. I pray A LOT. Alvaro literally possesses me and gets in my body. I have mostly every mental health diagnosis there is. And NO I'M NOT PROUD OF IT I'M NOT BRAGGING OR GLORIFYING It. I just wanna help everyone and everything. Along the my mental health, I have autism, narcolepsy anorexia Etc. My diagnosis list is so long and I don't wanna be known for that. I can't even leave my house. When ever I feel a lil bit better, here comes Alvaro. But again I don't wanna be a burden. It's my job to be there for everyone else NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I can't take this anymore. No pity sympathy or attention. I can't seek help cuz then they'll send me to a institution cuz I've been in to many mental hospitals. I'm doing the best I can. But I'm about to snap. I can't function. And I'm getting worse. I don't want attention I want to be OK. I've dealt with all this hell most of my life. It's hard to explain. On top of that. My physical state is getting worse. I'm finding more reasons to die than to live. I'm over 1 year sober. I'm a huge hypocrite when it comes out taking my own advice. I don't love myself. But i am over caring sensitive and I help obsessively. I repeat myself idk I'm just not OK. I'm losing contact with reality. I'm scared to keep going. But I got this.🥀⭐

🥀⭐Your Enough

Your Worth It.

Your Life Has Purpose

This To Shall Pass

Im here for all y'all in anyway I possibly can.

I'm sorry if I'm annoying. I'm sorry

Stay Strong && Keep Breathing ⭐🥀

🌙🌙🔥🔥🖤🖤🥀🥀HUGE TRIGGER WARNING🥀🥀🖤🖤🔥🔥🌙🌙

🥀🥀🔥🔥Hey my name is Izzy && I'm a recovering drug addict && alcoholic with over 1 year sober. This is the longest I've been sober being out of treatment. I've used mostly every drug there is. Being homeless 13 times. In 215 mental hospitals. In 3 foster homes (2 out of 3 were abusive) group homes, unlocked and locked treatment centers, rehabs shelters, crisis centers. Short and long term treatment centers. Which none will take me back cuz I've been there to many times. I've sold myself && got tortured abused raped drugged up for drugs and money to raise my unbio son, Anthony. I lost custody cuz of false accusations. I've had multiple near death experiences (some were suicide attempts && some were naturally done) my drug of choice was meth. I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018, over 10+ mental illnesses. Some were caused from a few bad trips on PCP that I never came back from. I was sleeping anywhere I could rest my head, I had to be alert at all times. Tbh I havent been to a meeting in awhile. My sponsor is like family to me. I'm redoing all my steps. I'm on step 2. I've lost a shit ton of people to drugs and I was literally getting cop calls everyday. Drugs messed with my life. And having this much clean time is amazing. Most of my life I've gotten abused raped, literally tortured and drugged up. Sold. Prostituted, almost killed. But no pity sympathy or attention pls. Any clean time is good time. And I'm proud of all of you in recovery drug addiction is a special kinda hell. Drugs become your priority and your best friend. I got tortured on the daily by people coming in one by one torturing me from orders from Kimberly (my ex fiance who hung herself in front of me) it was one by one. I got so caught on in drugs that it was the only way I knew. I used to numb the pain. I'm so blessed I found God again. Now I have 22+ mental breakdowns a day every day. I found out it had a lot to do with my drug use.🔥🔥🥀🥀

🥀🖤Thank you for breathing even when u wanted to die. Drugs kill you. There's nothing about it to be proud of its serious. You Matter Yo Important Yo A Someone Yo Enough Yo Worth It Yo Have A Purpose, Yo Have A Story, A Message, A Voice, A Reason, Yo A Warrior, A Soldier, A Survivor, A Fighter. You Are U && NoOne Can Be You, But YOU. Your Life Matters YOU MATTER, Yo Life Has Value &% I'm Glad Your Alive. Thank U For Being Alive. People say that I help everyone and everything obsessively && I don't stop. It's very true. This is a shout out to my unbio son that I raised as my own, Anthony Castillo-Martinez, I met him at one of the many abusive foster homes. Where it was owned illegally by Andrea/Angela && Jimmy Miller. We got tortured daily. They were not licensed foster parents. I met Lil Toni there and I escaped with him to meet up with Kimberly. We lived in a run down hotel in LA. I became homeless again. Toni got me through so much and even tho I can't find him (he's been gone for years) your my lil baby. I will always love u. U are my world and one day I hope to see u again. I hope you have a good home now. Going to school. Just doing well in general. And I'm sorry for you witnessing what Kimberly was doing to me. I love u babes with all my heart. 🖤🥀

🖤🔥🥀I failed Cedar House twice. This was a rehab in San Bernardino, California. I lied my way out. And I regret it. Funny thing is I already read the entire NA Basic Text && The AA Big Book. I have multiple sobriety apps on my phone and I have an app that that has NA && AA Speakers on it. I'm reading the How && Why and I'm so proud of myself && I couldn't have got this far without my sponsor, Jaclyn. She understands me better than any sponsor I've had in recovery. Here's a list of my mental disorders, some were caused Or made worse by drugs and alcohol🥀🔥🖤

🌙🔥🔥Schizo-Affective, Bipolar

ADHD, OLD, ODD,

PTSD, Insomnia

Depression, Anorexia

Anxiety, Autism

Borderline Personality Disorder

Severe Brain Damage

Attachment Disorder

Dissociative Identity Fund..

Multiple Personality Disorder

Narcolepsy, Critically/Clinically Insane🔥🔥🌙

🖤🥀Listen I don't need your pity, sympathy or attention these were all diagnosed by over 5 psychiatrists, and diagnosed "Insane" by over 10 doctors. DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE!!!! Anyways. I attempted suicide over 100 times. Self harmed in anyway possible. They say I'm the most high maintenance case in the system of California. And the next time I go to a mental hospital I'm getting sent to a state institution. I would do anything to get drugs. Jeremy && Izzie Baraz were my street partners. They both passed away. All I have left in blood family is my mom and brother. My mom. Says if I pick up drugs one more time I'm never aloud back in her house. My dad injected me with meth and heroin at age 9, he also tortured me daily. He passed away in 2011. I'm glad he's dead. But I take full responsibility for my drug and alcohol habits. And I hope I never go back. One Day At A Time.🥀🖤

🔥🥀This To Shall Pass, If Not Today There's Always Tomorrow

God, Grant Me The Serenity

To Accept The Things I Cannot Change

The Courage To Change The Things I Can. &&

The Wisdom To Know The Difference

Amen🥀🔥

🔥🔥Keep Coming Back It Works If You Work It🔥🔥

🔥🔥A Moment Of Silence, For The Addict Who Still

Suffers, In And Out Of These Rooms🔥🔥

🔥🔥Staying Clean, Im Never Going Back🔥🔥

🥀🖤I almost relapsed again on New Year's. I almost asked a stranger to buy me Vodka. But God told me to stop.

I'm Always Here 4 All Of You, No matter What.

I'd Do Anything To Keep Y'all Alive && Breathing. To Make U OK. to Save && Fix U && Take Your Pain Away. I Love Y'all. Keep Coming Back.🖤🥀

[winking]

this is a mutual love post!

okay so im not tagging anyone because....i dont wanna annoy u w my corny shit....also this isnt in any order .. well the order of when i remember ur name 

kathryn: wtf i love u where r u i miss u, cant u see how bored i am

hana: honestly learn how to spell....wait this is a mutual love post...i love u....thank u for liking my stuff n calling me funny sometimes. i appreciate it also ur rlly smart n pretty!!! and u better not let the baejin gc die i swear.....

jen: ummmm my cow buddy :/ get it cause we live in cow town....aka  uc dead.....merdead......dnewkjn i love u one day ill meet u n ill thank u personally for being my friend...also my fav exo l... idek why im following u tbh how did this happen dkjefe did u follow my old blog? anyways love u ur funny kiwi

eli: pleas i feel so bad that i dont message u as much anymore :((( but i love u also dont hate me but i still somehow associate u w haechan NDNJW its just engraved in my brain im sowwy..... anyways thank u for supporting my furry antics dkjw ur really sweet n funny n i love uuuuuuu

lucy: what the heck.......why r u so pretty....lucy is the only person whos funnier than me but thats okay ill let u....also very soft and has dorky bangs thank u for complimenting me :(

abia: this is weird but like.... i rlly like u NDEKJWN IM NOT CONFESSING... just... as a person i feel like we would be rlly good friends if we were closer n i hope that happens!!! also we stan the same people basically?? anyways love u

monica: hello r u reading this....we’ve been mutuals for so long.........n i love u because u always play me back on 8ball n mancala after so long ndekjw also ur rlly pretty...wow i hav the prettiest mutuals...i remember u had bangs n u inspired me tbh!!

lauren: ok i rlly doubt lauren is reading this but ummmmm i made a post abt this already but i rlly think ur funny n like i said ur balanced person bc it seems like u kno what ur doing with ur life nfewkj like u hav fun on tumblr but ur also not on here 24/7...like sometimes ur talking bt jins toes sometimes ur w otis the cow n then ur out in life doing stuff or at least thats what i imagine dkjew love u my fave bts stan ...... ndkje

my wife: hello my sweet wife?? r u awake???? i miss u,,, this whole time zones...is against us sigh... but anyways ur one of my favorite mutuals so  i was rlly happy when u replied to my post that just further proves were soulmates tbh.... we have alot in common tbh all signs that we were meant to b anyways love u hope u hav a lovely day 

khushi: h-hewwwooooooo,,,,? i was gonna leave it at that but lemme just say i wove u? thank u for having a streak w me... i wont kill it i promise anyways ur an angel and super cute love u... i hope u find 20 dollars on the floor .... 

nana: pls nana..........anyways we need to talk more abt conspiracy theories did u ever see my jihoon is a robot post??? dnekj i love us n i love u!!! u seem like a overall very sweet person n u give such chill vibes....and if u dont know i rlly love seeing u on my dash !!!!! iw ish we were better friends :( i sound like...those tbh fb posts NDKJW SORRY

carmela: kevin stan??????mood????? ummm i was an eric stan n then i realized i couldnt stop thinking abt kevin for 2 whole days like it just happen!!! but anyways i love u carmela i dont show it but i do thank u for being my friend n i hope u have a nice day/life!!! 

dona: i dont think uve been on for a while so u wont see this but i love u queen of being pretty and interesting...love u ...n i love seeing ur stories makes me happy!!!

people who i just love seeing in general!!! amy, julia, ash

also people i rlly love but im not even sure if u consider me a friend kejfw but i love u n i rlly wish we talked more!!!!! addy n kaya n merve n anisa....also @ people who i havent talked in a while but i still love u.... ryan, nikai...i hope ur all well 

[taonsil]

waddup jay ;; by the end of this week my grandma is going to be staying with me n idk for how long bc personal issues n then with her n my friend in my house along with my family there's literally no place for me to be alone n my moms just "oh well" abt it n im just !!!!! I havent had full on alone time in months !!! n my mom wonders why im agitated :^TT idk my grandma well enough so im just awkward around her n nmhjghghhhhh (1/?)

in all honesty id rather stay somewhere else but i cant n then just im so overwhelmed all the time its just !!!! Zidk how to handle it !!!!! i just want one peaceful day but its not happening anytime soln n just vfhfjdh my mental health is just !!!!! rlly low rn n im just watching tao stuff n listening to one song over n over n its not helping n idk what else to do n cfhfgfn im a Mess™ ;; (2/?)like i know ill be Okay sooner or later but just,,,,aahh n then bad stuff is happening in November n i just i dont like life a whole lot rn n ngnbnbghfnm ill just watch sailor moon until i fall asleep :^[[[[ life is hectic n its weird bc it seems like its like that for everyone recently ????? Idk i hope everyone can be okay soon ;;; n !!! I hope its okay for you ;A; you’re getting enough water i hope n the fox you post abt is rlly cute n i love him okok (¾)okok last one im sorry ;;; the fox is super cool like can i have him :^[[[ n congrats on finally drawing ur wife !!!!!!! it took me a year of knowing one of my friends to draw them n i didnt even finish it bc i drew tao off to the side instead fkfgfgfjfv im a cluttered mess in these messages im sorry !!!!! i hope they dont bother u n if they do please tell me okok ill understand ;; (4/4) i think did i misscount ??? idk numbers asklfgvxlhgwaddup jay i lied that wasnt it vcvfgxgfj i have a new phone so i can join the pokemon go world rlly late but i hope ill be able to walk far enough to get cool pokemons ;;A;; i want a charizard bc hes my favorite ee okok im actually going now i hope u have a good day n that you get enough water n more of ur soup stuff it looked rlly nice :^0000 anyway i Will Go Now bye bye 💙💙💙💙

ayo ! aa I’m sorry about that :{ having no quiet time to yourself is the worst. I guess if u can find an excuse/you’re able to go out you could go somewhere quiet for a while at least? ; ; djhd tbh I spend a lot of time hiding in the bathroom just to get some peace so that’s always a nice temporary option. but ye sorry things aren’t so good rn or in the near future :c ye tho! I agree, everyone seems to be having a gross hectic time (its bc tao has been on hiatus for so long,,) things are super busy and hectic for me too but I’m hoping we’re near the end of like this period of busy things..idk. it’s been rough for months but I suddenly got really motivated to write and draw after like the entire year djks so at least I’m  feeling good about that again even with everything else gross.aa the foxes are so nice arent they;; there’s four of them so ur welcome to one ; ; I really hope if we feed them then they’ll survive the winter and have more babies ; o; they’re pretty friendly bc they were born right next to the garden so they’re used to us. DJHDF I keep trying to explain to wife that drawing them is stressful bc lack of refs/I CARE A LOT so Im worried about messing up like..it keeps turning into tao bc he’s safe dhsjd. ALSO HAVE SO MUCH FUN WITH POGO and be careful !! and aa pls I like hearing from you~ sometimes I dont reply a while if there’s a lot cause I prefer being on laptop for better replies/so I can cut the post but ;u; Im always happy when u stop by with updates 💖

[survivor-themyscira-blog]

ok so first of all i am sorry for not participating in the challenge !! i had fall break vaca and was super busy but anyways ~ hi im loving this cast so far and i am so glad that i get to play with some new faces! & also some old ones too. im just going to do a brief cast assessment rn so i can record my thoughts on everyone initially:

emily - i love her so much! she is super sweet and i think she is going to be super invested and great at this game which means she could be a potentially strong ally for me moving forward! we have chatted a lot and i really like her andreas - literally havent spoken a word to him yet so we will see .... ian - pharmaCY KING! i was able to bond with him a lot and i think that we have the potential to have a very good dynamic, but it needs to grow organically jordan pines - i have played a few games with him before and he is such an amazing ally as long as he thinks he can beat you in the end. with him i always try to play dumb and act like im bobo the fool [even tho like 50% of the time i actually am bobo the fool so it isnt a full on act] and let him think that he controls my votes so im hoping that works in my favor again lily - no comment honestly i don't care for her and would love to vote her out but idk if i am going to get a wise opportunity for that madeline - she seems super sweet and also she has a really strong personality which i like but we haven't been good about replying to eachother so far so we will see what happens moving forward, id really like to work w her and get to know her better kai - i literally love kai he is so sweet and kind and perfect and i hope we finally get the chance to work together in this game bc we have tried and failed so many times in a row so fingers crossed! rhone - rhone is so fun! i have wanted to play a game w them for the longest time bc they are so iconic and smart strategically. i have hosted and played with them before so i think i have a good insight as to how they play the game. i'd love to work with rhone moving forward toph - toph,,,,ok so coming into this game i was nervous about toph because he is such a crackedt and forward player from past experiences but in my last game i was kind of mean to him so i genuinely apologized to him bc i do feel bad bc im p sure he is much younger than me and honestly i was a little shit when i was his age so if he does decide to forgive me id love to work something out with him the bottom line is that i am down for anything with this game. i always make it my thing to work with people i have never worked with before so hopefully that can happen woo! also i feel like now im an easy vote off since i didnt participate in the challenge so hopefully i can work that to my advantage and make people think im a person who is just a number and a sheep for now. until next time!

I'm SO ready for a tribe swap.  I like my tribe mates but I'm just wondering how hard they are going to try to go in the future ughhhh

CHARLOTTE IS A MEANIE SHE PRETENDS TO LIKE ME BUT THEN SHE DOESNT GIVE ME AN ADVANTAGE AND LAUGHS AT ME

Alrighty! Im way to tired ro film anything and im watching the office so whoops not my problem! Im just kidding lol! So right now as per usual i feel like my game is going to be extremely paranoid which I learned to from my queen Emily in azore I SEE YOU QUEEN. The last time me and her played together i was way to ott and now im more calm and reserved. I feel paranoid right now as to what the hell this dang twist could be!! And i feel like im at the bottom of the totem pool here on this tribe. I’ve been chatting with everyone which is good but jordan pines scares me so much and i know we have to keep him for awhile, I really don’t know how to feel about other people right now. I like nicholas and i can actually talk to him now since ff but i think if ruthie from there tribe survivers and me and emily survive we could be a killer squad. I think jordan pines is the most scariest things on this tribe every because he is so intense and in your face if  you like it or not and its scary. I feel like there already are alliances formed and im scared as fuck by that. Im just going to keep my foot tapping and praying to the jesus that there are no majority alliances former already. Jordan pines can lead an army and that scares me so if I don’t get close with him im screwed man! Rhone dosnt really respond to me so I kinda feel like he might not like me. Lily seems cool and i really Like madelin but Tophily is here to play and float a bloody way to the end lol! Lying isn’t a strong suit of mine so im going to not lie unless im talking to the person going home. I glad we won immunity because I won’t be going anywhere and not be a first boot. My goal Right now is jury but i have to go one day at a a time and take It SLOWWW! Lol!! With this immunity challenge no one can do it so i think i will have to and im okay with that but if we lose and they start blaming me for losing im sorry I actually don’t have a life to live while you guys do! So im just gonna bite my tongue because i have a shit ton of liquids in my fridge which is a plus for us lol!! My family of 6 is now a blessing? Like what the heck!! So there's my thoughts for today and the past day. Im just going to relax watch the office and wait for my Prince Charming to come out! Lol! Whatever happens in this game. Oh fuck wait! i have some tea to spill and you will be quaking in your loafers! So i was doing the puzzle for the idol ajd Someone already found it! I was shook! And Emily is now getting an advantage while ill be snuggled up like a bug in log that’s being tugged on by a slug! That made no sense LOL! Okay now i think all my thoughts are out for now but who knows ill be screaming in my head about not saying something soon lol! And with that and my future boyfriend goodnight and farwell!

https://m.popkey.co/8a68bf/Ao9Xg_s-200x150.gif It's probably a good thing that I have the super idol. Literally no one is talking to me. I'm a little annoyed because I've done pretty much nothing wrong, except not submit for the challenge?? I guess Jack's influence that not doing a challenge is pretty strong over this tribe. Hm. Although I have this idol, there's no guarantee that I'll ever have to use it, and honestly if I go to tribal it's probably best for me that it doesn't become a priority to play it. I really don't want to play it if I don't have to, because the tribe could easily just vote me out the next chance they get. I also told Raymond about the "regular" idol hunt I did today, where he could jump off the cliff and get a number or whatever it was that I did exactly, and he was like "LETS GO ON CALL" but like... I was playing Roblox so Skype 10/10 wasn't gonna let me do a call properly. So I was like... sorry bud but just go search anyways! And he never messaged me back, so I have no clue whether he did or not. Right now, I trust Raymond a lot. I don't know how I feel about Madison or Dan. Amanda is a nice woman, I really wish I had a better relationship with her though. I don't trust Logan (and I know Logan doesn't trust me) and I don't like Jack all that much, unfortunately. I figure that someone is gonna go after me -- potentially Logan. Logan and I have a history of playing games together and while I never once wronged him (at least not by my knowledge?!) he doesn't ever want to trust me in games. There's literally no point in even bothering playing with him because he doesn't like playing with me all that much. But I know Logan would be united against players that I don't get along with, like Nicholas and Jordan Pines. Those two would be my most desired boots from the other tribe just because there's no chance I'd ever align with or trust either of them, plus Jordan has made the end of this series so many damn times already and it's maddening. My personal goal this season is to make it to 9th place. I got 11th last time but I want to break into single digits, a very rare occurrence for me. Like obviously I'm winning this season, but I wanna set some small goals just to make the journey to finals a little less treacherous. Anywho, I think this confessional is long and boring enough. I'm gonna go talk to Jack and see if anything happens. Maybe I can try to understand him a little better, lol

Sorry I've been a bit quiet so far uni took over but it's the weekend and I can catch up. The tribe seem ok, really quiet though not really what I am used to. I found the challenge hard as I didn't really have any time and there was like nothing DC around, guess the UK is a marvel fan! I'm shocked that JG had to go, I love him to bits and was looking forward to working with him but he has his reasons. Hopefully the next challenge will be better for us

Heyyyy sunshines~~~ Just a quick one. I still don't know a bunch of people on my tribe, but I got to chat a bit with Madeline and Tosh. Life is good. I'm pretty sure that somebody already found an idol inside a library book, but I can't tell who it was so whatever :) I can't participate in the next challenge sadly, but that's life. I am taking the social game a lot slower this time around and I feel much better as well now. There's no need to try too hard. I am a bit concerned that I am in touch with too few people, but we shall see about that. JG got eliminated, which makes me sad. Not much to talk about rn. Cya soon!

This game has been pretty exciting so far! It hasn't been like most survivor games where I'm in a rush to talk with everyone in case they decide to murder me in cold blood, so that's nice. I still feel like I'm going to get murdered in cold blood, but it's whatever. My tribe is pretty nice so far, though I'm not the biggest Toph fan and Nicholas seems to be nonexistent. Everything's great otherwise, though. My one idol search had me getting caught by the guards, and I'm honestly not too eager to go out and search again. It'd arouse too much suspicion towards me.

I hate you Charlotte for what you made me do. Not drink those drinks, but that was my last snack pack! You owe me pudding. My fellow competitors Madeline and Toph have earned so much of my respect for doing that challenge too!

If someone has already submitted this then just ignore me It’s the anti-antilopes vs the lit hippos

ALL I KNOW IF MY ASS BETTER NOT GET VOTES OUT AFTER DRINKING THAT VILE ASS CONCOCTION YALL HAD ME DRINK LIKE IM GOING TO BE BURPING A1 SAUCE ALL GOD DAMN WEEK. But like low key jack tho really 1:32......? You lucky I like you bro

Okay, real confession. I think Billy might come for me, but he won't if he's smart. I'm good at contributing to challenges in the tribal phase. Don't fucking touch me. That being said, I don't want billy out. I think Jaiden should go. He won't be helpful, he's not social, I'm not into it. I love him, I do, but as long as he's here, we might as well keep losing. The other option is Amanda. While she's sweet, she's never online, which is understandable, you know? She has kids, she has uni, etc, but that's... not valuable to me at this point in the game. I need to win, I need to escape this tribe alive, I need to not be seeing the VL again ANYTIME soon.

I LOVE THE HIPPOS!!!!!! HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS

Okay so here’s the deal, I like everyone on our tribe. I guess. Billy can be annoying but he’s going through a lot so I can’t ask people to vote him out. Idfk, all I know is these basic hoes couldn’t win this damn challenge? Worse has been in my mouth than honey, bbq sauce, and water and I wasn’t complaining!!!!

I’m Logan talking in the tribe chat but flat out ignoring my messages. Yeah, I think I might get votes tomorrow, but the only way it’ll come out is if myself or Billy receive the majority. The reason why I’d play it on Billy is simply because I feel like I can trust the guy, and not to mention he also has been preoccupied with a freaking funeral, like... what heartless monster votes him out after that? Hopefully I DON’T have to play it, but I’m ready and willing to play it if I have to.

thanks JAIDEN for saying you didn't know I was in this game why would you do that. You make me look either inactive or like I'm stuck up or something UGHHHHSDFJSLDF

Jadien

can i just...idol abbey out of this CHAT?

We Hippos won immunity, Yay. It's good because I haven't quite found my footing in this tribe, I didn't want to compete but everyone was asking to not compete so I might as well step up and do it, I'm not one to shy away from a good challenge, especially when people are, should give me staying power right? At least I did it. I digress, A swap is coming in the next round or two, I can feel it. I need to continue to play as my sweet friendly self, cause deep down I am that guy. My main worry is that when the swap happens I might get targeted buy members of that damn Antelope tribe. My plan to remain consistent but not over the top in challenges might have gotten a little hindered by this on since I did compete. Raymond needs to be premerge booted, the guy killed it in this challenge and we don't need a comp beast going forward. I'll cross my finger he gets got soon. As for life on the Hippo Tribe, I have still kept my clue to the idol secret, if I happen to find it then I might share the clue with someone. If I find it, I sooo want to idol out the person I shared the clue with, this hero archetype player can be a villain given the opportunity. Madeline is cool, she's nice, but she is a talker. Talkers make me hungry, I think my game can benefit by keeping her close and dropping her when I need to. Rhone is cool, started talking to me about sports but I'd vote him out. Nicholas is probably on the menu for our first boot at tribal cause he's MIA at the moment but I want to keep us immune until I have a chance to work with him. Toph, I could take or leave, same with Emily. They don't impress me much. Kai and Andreas, I love ya dudes but you do seem like sheep for the slaughter this game, Andreas less so. JORDAN PINES PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER 1. I am curious to see how far this snake can go or if I'm a mounted trophy on his wall or if I can mount him on my wall.

https://youtu.be/NxdOnwnLLeE

OHHHHHH FUCK ME SIDEWISE, I accidentally sent the real clue to Madeline instead of the fake one I had written up.

Oh god I'm making meninist moves and a meninist alliance. The VL is going to hate me

Okay this is a proper quiet tribe you've got here, so not used to this! So I am going to have to do what I didn't want to do and take control of tonights vote... wish me luck.

Amanda about to get her ass beat by this vote. I'm a rat, I'm a snake, I'm a roach. But her ass is grass WHEW. I just don't want Jaiden to go because I actually talk to him. This is MENINISM, but *SHRUGS this is TRUMP'S AMERICA

Okay Amanda got to go tho, this hoe is messaging me saying all this shit about how Jaiden isn't going home because of some advantage he has. Bitch you're the one going home so I'm confused. I'm just gonna sit here with Cheetoh dust on my fingers and watch this all go down. I mean I could for sure go home, which would be so fucking funny, but like I'm just gonna be #Confident, thanks Demi Lovato

OKAY I KNOW THIS IS LIKE THE THIRD ONE IN 15 MINUTES BUT AMANDA IS ON TO ME, AND NOW I'M SHOOK. I talked to way too many people about this plan and I think it's backfiring lol Oh well, I think she'll be going tonight regardless, if not it's been real lmao

So my name has come up, but I also have a little trick up my sleeve called the Themyscira Oasis! Basically, I’m telling Amanda that I’m going to be playing my Oasis on myself tonight in order to avoid being voted out. Then she spills literally all the insight behind alliances, inner workings of multiple relationships, and so on, just so she can blow her game up on her way out the door. However, I don’t WANT Amanda to go home. In fact, I’d rather blow up my own game in order to ensure that someone in my corner stays in the game. Amanda is actually trying to save me, regardless of if I use the oasis or not tonight. I’m telling her that I’m using it no matter what, when in actuality I don’t have it to begin with. My target right now is actually slowly shifting from Logan to Dan, because I just don’t have a whole ton of trust with him just yet. I’d rather keep the devil I know (Logan) around because I can always prepare for what he’s gonna do next. I can’t predict anything with Dan because I’ve never met him before. As Amanda pointed out, Dan herself and Ruthie are clearly working together because they had a “group think” moment where they came up with my name as the vote to go home. She didn’t say specifically who brought my name up, but that it was a process of elimination which makes sense imo. Anyways I was mid-way writing everything and Logan and Dan called me stupid and crazy, and that’s the story of how I told Amanda they were gunning for her. So now I’m going to blow everything up, publicly, because I have nothing left to lose. I said I wasn’t gonna be a mess this season but I’m back into my old habits, I suppose 🤷🏼‍♂️ Sound the alarm, Hurricane Jaiden has made landfall!

me after that blow up made absolutely no sense but I’m still working it https://78.media.tumblr.com/5d766478fb350acbddd66160284749ba/tumblr_o7887f1gRR1sdmszbo1_400.gif

Apparently Logan thinks he's in danger? And so does Jaiden? But everyone's voting Amanda? God I hate premerge.

today has been so wild all I know is that this ENTIRE TRIBE is full of snakes and I have to watch what I tell ANYONE cause it will get back to the other people.  Amanda told Jaiden that Dan and I said his name but UMM, she gave us TWO OPTIONS. but now things I'm telling Jaiden are getting back to LOGAN and Dan is going around telling Billy everything I say and this is just wild these people are crazy and no one knows how to keep their freaking mouth SHUT! I want to find a ride or die I can tell anything too but that can't happen if they're going to keep comparing notes.

So I trusted Jaiden and voted Dan. Is that a bad thing? Probably not considering I heard he was throwing my name out there. I'm kind of glad he's gone, he always does well and then never wants to work with me. So bye :* time to get serious, I need to prove to everyone I'm here to play this time.

https://youtu.be/Slv3EzWZjuU

NOW THAT'S A FUCKIN' TRIBAL! Super good for my game, even though I would've kind of liked to work with Dan, because Amanda still remains a major target, and now Jaiden has made himself a much bigger target. Combine that with me getting closer to Raymond and Logan because of this? A big win in my book.

"Actually, wait... I am gonna play my super idol on Amanda" https://thumbs.gfycat.com/SnarlingDarkLarva-max-1mb.gif Oops, sorry Dan

WHAT THE FUCK, JAIDEN?  WHAT? WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT. I keep telling him 'ooooh hehe it's fine, it's fine' but like WHAT now Amanda is going to hate me, and just ugh I hope the announcement is a tribe swap get me away from these people they talk about what each other say too much. I can see why he wanted to use it but WHY DAN?

https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ

Jaiden has thrown that shade stick out and I'm very cautious about him now. Tho he tells me that it wasn't an attack to me or anything but like...if we're close why wouldn't you tell me what you're going to do. Low key just bummed out. That bastard.

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THIS WAS ALSO THE ROUND THE HOSTS STARTED DOING ROUND TABLES TO TALK ABOUT THE GAME. HERE IS EPISODE ONE!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yP0-OZFvxfc