#anyways im Very dilated now and will be for a week

[kimmexart]

hey..🌚should do a match up with me and dbd/slashers... (we both know who i really wanna be paired up with)

okie dokie so my personality is pretty quiet and timid around others. i don't talk much at school (even with my friends LMAO) and i always have my headphones on. im desi with pretty light olive skin (i have no melatonin) and brown eyes! i have dyed burgundy hair that runs up to my breasts that's naturally a little wavy but i always straighten it because i HATE how it looks natural. i have wispy bangs too :3

my hobbies are batman, i literally collect all batman related things, cats, horror movies, video games, drawing and baking. and writing heheheh!! im an INTP and im a huge rainy day and gilmore girls and gothic architecture lover >.‹

i'm 5'4 and i'm extremely sensitive so id prefer my lover to be someone who's quiet and understanding yk, someone who doesn't make fun of me for crying easily or being clingy. i collect ghostface merch for a living as well LMAO.

my appearance isn’t very skinny but i’m not chubby either, i’m like literally in the middle. i have barely a tummy but i have thicker thighs and a round face. i work out everyday by going to the gym when it’s about to close )because i prefer not socializing with others) and i do cardio and pilates.

sorry this is kinda messy i’ve never done one of these before but i saw your page and your cute lil match ups and i knew i had to!! thank you 💗💗

HAHAH ILY ILL DO YOUR RESIDENT EVIL ONE ON A SEPARATE ONE 😫😫 but i’ve been working crazy hours so i apologize if it’s late and sloppy 🙁🫶

—————

I shall match you with…

Ghostface (Danny ‘Jed Olsen’ Johnson)

******

You were supposed to be one of his victims. A silly little one you are, he followed you home. Lurking in the shadows and thank to the help of the loud music blasting from your headphones masking his footsteps.

He had been following you for weeks now as the days went by he grew more and more intrigued. He hid in the darkness creeping outside one of the windows as he watched you play one of your favorite video games.

“What your favorite scary movie?” his voice was low, but smooth you didn’t recognize the voice as you picked up the phone.

“who’s this?” you asked pushing your eyebrows in confusion pausing the video game. The voice on the other end let out a dry chuckle “Answer the question.”

“Well, i guess… (insert Favorite Movie)” You said softly.

“a classic” he responded with a approving hum as he flipped the knife in between his fingers “I knew i liked y’a”

“uh, okay?” you respond awkwardly “anyways.. im busy i should go now” you cleared your throat hanging up the phone before he could stop you.

*ring*

*ring*

The phone began to ring soon after, “Look leave me the fuck alo-“ You blurted through the open line as you held the phone up to your ear.

“Your gonna get it now!” His voice was more sharper and direct. it caused you to tense almost instantly “You don’t get to hang up the phone doll! that isn’t how it works.”

A creaking sound made your head snap to the direction. your eyes glanced over to the window that was once closed now wide open with the moonlight peeking through, and a breeze pushing the curtains.

Your breath got caught in your throat as you dropped the phone and made a run for it, “Logical as always babe!” It was the man over the phone- however his voice was somewhere in your house.

He followed you into your bedroom, a grin underneath his mask as he stared at the closet “i only wanna play” he said with a chuckle “tell me about that scary movie” he crouches infront of the closet door.

You peeked through the small crack to see the cheap mask and leather cloak, your pupils completely dilated unable to respond.

he played with the blade his leather gloves gliding over the knife, “your no fun like this” he said forcing the closet door open, weeks- that’s how long he prepared for this moment he forced your body to the ground straddling your hips. He used his left hand to pin your hands over your head which the knife in his right.

You squirmed and screamed at him to stop trying to free yourself.

He held the knife tightly as he stabbed the knife- he aimed for your head but instead it buried itself into the wood flooring besides your head.

He let out a shakey breath, this was the first time he wasn’t able to kill his victim. How he hated this feeling- he failed. Weeks of preparation and now when having you all to himself he couldn’t.

This was going to be his masterpiece, the perfect crime

The crime no one will ever forget.

“Fuck.” he muttered underneath the mask as he pulled the knife out from the ground and forced himself off.

“Fuck!” he said placing the bottom of his boot against your chest. He looked down at you full of anger and annoyance even if you couldn’t see his reaction you knew. Letting out a small cry as you tried to force his shoe off. “i’m watching, i’m always going to be fucken watching” he says before he disappeared into the night.

————

“So that’s all that happened?” The pale man across from you type, a small scar on his forehead.

Your head was in your hands in frustration and Annoyance hearing the constant typing from his computer “Yes Danny” you said curtly.

The two of you were at a cafe, Danny was a journalist who had heard about your experience with the new serial killer- who you found out was named ‘Ghostface’

“It was as if he could kill me- no he wanted to” you said taking a small sip of your warm drink “He tried- but couldn’t he wasn’t weak at all, he was… amazing”

His fingers froze, Danny’s eyes glanced back up at you. he was flustered by the fact you called him ‘Amazing’

He nodded “Well,” he clears his throat before continuing “Just be more aware of your surroundings from now on, maybe have some friends stay over”

“i just moved here, im new and don’t have friends or family in town” you said with a small sigh.

He knew that of course, He wasn’t stupid he did stalk you for weeks following you around town and going through your stuff at home to learn more about you.

he wrote his number on a small sticky note “call me, i’ll be your friend” he said with a dry chuckle

as he laughed your eyes flickered in recognition but only for a moment. something about him was off, you couldn’t pin point what. brushing off those thoughts you gave him a small smile and nod “thank you Danny,”

you hand gently brushed over his as you grabbed the stick note.

He’s truly become obsessed with you.

———-

Danny huffed in annoyance as he hooked the last victim onto the hook. He walked away he dug into his cloak pulling out a photo of you.

A frown decorated his lips as he waited for the entity to start a new trial, he missed you dearly you were his favorite victim and partner.

His fingers gently grazed over the folded polaroid.

—————

(What if like, you just appeared in a trail as a new survivor bc the entity was getting tired of danny lacking. But you would only see him as ghostface and not danny. but like would he kill you?) 😫😫 making me think about the yummy angst taht could come from this.

It was between him or Legion 😫😫 but we both know why i picked danny. anyways i luv this idea. i usually write it out differently like sections but this is something new. it’s 2 am so if it’s messy i’m sorrryyyy. I luv writing danny as mean but silly. Hope you enjoy!!!

[intersex-questions]

shallow vagina anon: thank you so much for your advice, i hadn't thought of averaging out measurements. im autistic so i rlly appreciate clear actionable advice lol. i just wanted to like. explain? vent? about my situation? sorry for tmi about my genitals?

i went to my doctor today (who is actively pro-trans which is nice) and talked to him about it. he suggested i try dilators which i might but he also recommended that i go to a gyno to have them check it out, which ill have an appt for in two weeks. i've been trying to figure this out for a few days because i just recently was like "this probably is very abnormal" and i didn't want to like, jump to any random conclusions. & everywhere says feeling "too tight" is a common problem so i'm like cool! except none of the common answers seem to fit whats going on with me!

its not an issue of natural dryness, and i also have used lube anyways. its not an issue of relaxation, which i dont have trouble with. its not an issue of preparation/foreplay. its not an issue of fear. i don't even completely avoid penetration; tampons were uncomfortable but i only used one twice because the threat of toxic shock made me stressed. any kind of penetration gets uncomfortable (w/ enough lube a finger is fine, two if im turned on, but even after a certain point it starts hurting & generally leaves a slight pain/ache afterwards) and an average penis leaves noticeable pain for a while afterwards. there aren't any muscle spasms. Everything seems as wet and squishy and elastic as you'd expect. i've been on T for a year but i've been like this since i started messing around w/ my cunt and always felt confused why people enjoyed penetration so much; its only recently i was stubborn enough to ignore the pain just to go for it cause i figured it was probably more or less normal for it to hurt. the only way i can describe it is really that i just feel like its too tight, not so much that nothing can get it but enough that it feels like they shouldn't be getting in yk? but again i just figured, penetration is what this organ is made for, so this is probably normal. even though i've heard so many times that sex shouldn't hurt, once i found out how to get any pleasure from it i was like "oh so the pain probably doesn't matter if it can also feel good."

so i just. don't know what to think i guess. i really don't want to waste time and energy if its something common but it just doesn't seem like anything that is common describes what i've experienced? i got my period regularly pre-T & didn't have any signs of virilization, but all the more uncommon explanations for this say that it generally comes alongside not ever menstruating, so i just. feel very lost right now and confused about what the fuck is up with me. i feel really torn between "its probably something normal and you're probably reading way too deep into this" and "this really seems like its something abnormal and i am right to be getting this checked out." thank you for advice + reading this, i hope you have a good day

Oh if you're on testosterone it's almost definitely vagina atrophy. Warning that this refers to it as something that happens to women/females. It sounds scary but it's not. I experience it as well, before T (due to hyperandrogenism) and worse after starting T for HRT.

Higher levels of testosterone can cause vagina atrophy, in people born with hyperandrogenism and people who go on testosterone HRT. It's super common but not well-known about.

Locally applied estrogen cream or the Nuvaring/generic alternatives (or other birth control with estrogen put inside the vagina) can help reduce vaginal atrophy help with it. Talk to your doctor about it.

Vaginal atrophy is normal for those on T HRT and not uncommon but less normal for those not on it.

[gibbearish]

@excessive-vampires hey of course<3 i know it fuckin sucks to deal with so anything i can do to help others with it ill do my best

with that i saw your reblog earlier and was working through forming a response so i just wanted to say firstly im really sorry youre stuck in that situation and that your doctors treated you like that, secondly im not sure if you wanted advice on working around that so if not feel free to disregard all of this but if yes:

firstly dilators - if the issue is:

> not knowing what to get - i got the intimate rose dilator set off amazon and my physical therapist made happy noises when i showed her so they get two thumbs up, id estimate the smallest one is abt the size of a pencil

> they would open your mail and get angry - see if you have any friends nearby who would be willing to let you ship it to their house and then pick it up in person

> if they found it in your room they would get angry - try to think as far outside the box as you can on hiding spots. like say an old pair of boots buried in your closet or something, what are the chances of them checking somewhere like that yknow?

> worried theyll catch you doing it / no lock on door - i usually wait until my housemates are entirely gone or 100% certainly asleep before dilating, its not a noisy activity on its own you go really slow. and even if that means you can only do it once a month, thats ok, like i said any progress is good progress. when i first started out working on it p young i literally couldnt fit much of anything at all and would just occasionally toe the line like every few months, and even that slowly got me to the point where i think shortly after graduating highschool when i ordered the dilators i was able to do the first size after like a week

if none of those solve it and dilatings not a possibility thats def unfortunate but not the end of the road. as for the rest of the exercises none of them involve material stuff so they should be pretty easy to do discreetly if you want (except the massage thing but theyd have no reason to suspect its pelvis involved as the tools used are used for regular massages too lol, and failing that you can still do it with your hands its just not as ideal). so with that here's a rough breakdown of the exercises im supposed to do, and again this is just the general stuff so i cant tell you how many days a week you would do these. and also disclaimer that i very much am not a medical professional, just regurgitating what i remember of the instructions from my doctor. anyways!

kegels:

breathe in through nose 2 seconds, out through pursed lips 2 seconds while squeezing, release and repeat 5 times

then

take slow steady breaths drawing them down into your stomach rather than your chest, do these continuously independent of kegels. pattern is squeeze for 5 seconds, release 10 seconds, and repeat that 5 times

do one set of each of these standing, sitting, and laying down flat on your back with pillows under your knees to elevate your pelvis. originally i was supposed to do all of that eight to ten times a day but that rapidly evolved to "whenever i can remember to in whatever position i happen to be in right now" lol

the abdominal/inner thigh massages are primarily intended as a cupping exercise but you can also use a Gua Sha tool if the cups hurt (like me, they pull my stomach hair so i got one also off amazon, its the shiny metal rock shaped like a paint pallette. for the cups this one looks closest to what she had and you just squeeze it then place on your skin so it creates a seal, release the bulb to create suction, and then slide it around as described below), or she told me the thigh part can also be done with a massage gun. but essentially you just make sweeping motions around your abdominal region, if you start at the bottom on one side you sweep up around your bellybutton on that side to the top and vice versa, if you imagine your stomach in quadrants you wanna spend abt 3 mins going over each corner. then you also wanna do the cardinal directions and just sweep from the outside towards your bellybutton, also 3 mins each (i do not do these in any particular order truth be told im truly just rubbing a slimy rock around on my stomach lol). inner thighs are similar, you just sweep up towards your pelvis. and use massage oil/lotion/something otherwise itll get uncomfortable and chafey, ESPECIALLY the silicon cups my skin hurts just thinking abt that lol

for stretches she told me -

1 minute daily: priformis figure 4 stretch, deep squat stretch, half kneeling hip flexor side bending stretch, supine hamstring stretch with strap, happy baby pose, and adductor butterfly stretch

10x pushup-y things daily: prone on elbows stretch

i googled all of those real quick to make sure those keywords lead to diagrams or guides that looked mostly right so those should be a p good rough guide

the breathing exercises are just more of the stomach breathing thing, you lay down with one hand on your stomach and one on your chest and just concentrate on taking deep breaths without the chest hand moving for a couple minutes

if you had to pick just one of these though i would primarily go for the kegels, for the first month that was the only thing i remembered to do every now and then and id still made a fuckload of progress by the second appointment, theyre entirely undetectable by anyone around you so you can do them whenever and wherever you want, and as far as i know theres not really any way to do them wrong or like. overdo them? worst thatll happen is youll get too tired to keep doing them and the result will be ... you relaxing, so thats also a win lol

another tip is if you cant get dilators but still want to go that route and can fit your pinky: put it in until it starts to hurt and no further, even if thats only a single centimeter and just chill there until it relaxes, focusing on deep breaths and releasing tension in the area (also make sure youve gone to the bathroom prior so you wont get scared of relaxing too much and tense up bc that can hurt a lot w something in you if youre not prepared). itll feel like it never will but i promise eventually it will chill, even if that time is another day youll still have made progress. if you do get it relaxed though then you can try for a little deeper, again stopping as soon as it hurts and waiting for it to adjust. one thing that can help is directing sustained pressure down towards the bottom of your pelvic floor, it will hurt some but in a different way like a really intense backbreaking massage does, and as such will also steadily drive the tension out. vaginismus is lowkey your pelvic floor being one big muscle knot anyways so yknow lol. also if its not going well dont force yourself to continue forever, like give yourself a 15 minute timer as a goal but allow yourself to tap out whenever you need. and conversely if you make it to 15 mins and find youre still feeling fine you can choose to bump that up, the world is your oyster

for bowel health she recommended i get a magnesium supplement, the brand she recc'd is CALM specifically the raspberry lemon flavor, you just mix i think a teaspoon of it with however much warm water you want so if you dont like the taste you can just take it as a shot like i do, or she said adding it to tea and stuff is fine too, and you just drink that before bed every night. its not prescription or anything you can get it at costco or again amazon (all of these companies certainly have their own websites you can order direct from but i am broke as fuck so we do what we can lol)

that's all i can think of right now, make sure to use way more lube than you think you should, and i hope this helps and that your situation looks up soon💜

got a good grade in physical therapy because i ordered a sex toy life is fun

[1-800-channie]

Make Out with Chan;

Note | Chan and you started dating just a few months ago, and this is your first heated make-out session. Shy!Boyfriend Chan. Warning: Very Suggestive but also very adorable.

(Credits to the owner of the gif)

It was a cold Friday afternoon. The rain was falling calmly from the blue sky, hitting the ground softly and leaving a lovely smell of moist grass in the atmosphere.

You came home from UNI one hour ago and were currently waiting for your boyfriend. The both of you will cuddle and watch a movie together with the rain as background music.

As soon as you heard someone knocking on the door five times, you knew it was Chan. It's like his signature knock. Your heart immediately speeded up and you licked your lips excited to hold on to him after this exhausting week.

"Chan, get in, you're going to get cold!" You told him while he stood outside your door under the blue umbrella. He wasn't wet and you were glad because you don't have clothes for him to change.

"That's how you greet me?" He asked with an adorable pout, as he took off his warm jacket. "Where's my kiss?"

You rolled your eyes but ran towards him, providing a quick peck on those pinky lips that you adore so much. Your boyfriend wanted more, so he wrapped his vigorous arms around your waist and chased your lips once again, eager to taste you even more.

The way his tongue gently brushed against your bottom lip made you gasp, and he used the opportunity to allow the muscle get inside your mouth and start a playful fight with yours, making your hands grab into dirty blond locks.

When Chris pulled away, he was looking absolutely breathtaking: lips shiny and red from the kissing, hair messy and dilated eyes staring deeply into yours.

"I'm sorry... Did I go too far?" Chan asked shyly, his cute little cheeks painted in a pale red. His eyes shifted from yours to his raw hands, trying to dodge you.

"Don't be sorry... I liked it..." You responded back with a smile, trying to comfort him. "Shall we start watching 'Cities of Paper' ?"

Happily, your boy took your hand on his and walked you to your bedroom. The both of you laid down on your sides so he could be the big spoon. You already saw this movie like five times, but Chan was so curious about it that you decided to watch it with him. Again.

After a while you got bored, of course. It was the sixth time you were watching that film, but Chan was really interested. His big brown eyes were glued to the screen of your old tv, and his arms were holding you tightly against him.

You decided to let the boy enjoy the movie and just enjoy his presence as the sound from the rain filled your ears, making an aesthetic feeling take over your boredom.

"Whattttt? Why aren't they together? That's not fair..." Your boyfriend whines annoyed. "Why didn't you tell me they didn't end you together?" He asked you with a sweet pout.

"Because it wouldn't be fun if I told you..." You smirk and laugh after, watching him pout again. The movie was finally over.

Something inside you told you to kiss those pretty lips of his, and so you did. You pecked them for longer than usual, catching Chan by surprise. When he opened his eyes, you were flustered and he was too, his emotions were having a fight in his head...

"Kiss me again, baby girl." He begged you with pleading eyes, watching you come closer and closer to him, brushing your lips against his teasingly. Your warmth was so close that he felt himself starting to sweat.

Tired of the teasing Chris gently grabs your jaw and meets your edges in a hungry but slow kiss, enjoying the feeling of your warm and plump lips against his. As his tongue entered your mouth, his hands pulled you against him so you were straddling him as the heat started to build.

When you pulled his messy hair, lost in the feeling of the kiss, Chan moaned. At that moment you broke the kiss, breathing hard, your heart skipping beats and wide eyes:

"I'm sorry i-" Chan wanted to apologize for his horny self but you shut him up before he could ever explain himself.

"That was the hottest thing I have ever heard..." You whine and envelop your head in his shoulder, feeling timid but turned on at the same time. That is the first time you guys make-out... He is a shy boy and you are a little insecure, leading to not doing anything more than kissing.

But you were starting feeling needy, and that was giving you the courage to do something about it. Maybe kissing wouldn't make it better, only worse, but at least you can get a taste of him and what he can do.

"Kiss me again..." He whispered close to your ear, making a cold shiver run up your spine.

"Someone's needy?" You asked with a smirk, watching his reaction. Chan got a little more red, his cheeks now fully red-ish and his heart speeded up. You could feel it beating against your chest.

He didn't answer, just kissed you. His lips moved slowly against yours, while his hand settled on your hips under your hoodie. You left a whine to escape your lips. His hands felt on fire, and everywhere he touched had his heated print.

Chris wasn't capable to control himself no more, the sound you left out is so sensual that he jerks his hips upwards, creating some pleasurable friction to the both of you.

"Chan..." You whine leaving his mouth for a brief second while you catch your breath. Saliva connecting your lips. "Chan, please..." He couldn't see your eyes as you called his name, because you were feeling way too shy to look at him. Although he knew, if you looked at him with those innocent eyes of yours he would cum right in his pants. "Chan, you can touch me more..."

As soon as you gave him permission, his hands wasted no time and traveled upwards beneath your hoodie. When he felt the curve of your soft, bare breasts against his inexperienced fingertips, he had to kiss you to shut his mouth.

This time the kiss was messier, saliva was all over your lips as his tongue devoured yours in the most delicious way. His fingers soon grabbed a handful of your boob, and you grinded against him, feeling something hard against you.

His fingers hesitantly pulled your nipple, and you moaned his name, pushing your head back and breathing heavily. His touch is so addicting. "Chan..."

"God, you're driving me crazy..." He whined as his lips came in contact with your neck, leaving pecks all over it as his teeth softly brushed against the skin, making you grow needier.

A fast-paced song suddenly started playing startling the both of you, and your boyfriend removed himself completely from you so he could pick up the call.

As he spoke to his mom, you deducted from the sweet way he was communicating, you tried to calm yourself down. You closed your eyes and breathed in, inflating your lungs and then, letting the air escape your nose calmly.

"I have to go... My mom needs me at home. " His voice was lowered, melancholy.

"It's alright..." You assured him, setting your hair behind your ear timidly. You blushed to the thoughts of what was happening merely minutes ago.

"Come here..." He called you as he spread his arms, grabby hands pointed at you. You walked towards him and allowed his passionate embrace to involve you. Soon, his so familiar perfume gave you butterflies.

In an act of love, Chan kissed your forehead and thanked you for trusting him. You smiled shyly at him, wishing he could stay a little longer.

A/N | I know i kinda disappeared for a bit and im sorry... Guess who has covid? My mom, and i think we all at home. Anyways im at home isolated so i will try to post more. Even though my energy is in its lowest point. I had this lost in my drafts, i hope you like it. Im heading to bed now, Good Night, my loves. 💕(ALSO Shy!Boyfriend Chan is my favourite type of Chan.)

[lunaastoir]

how i think a meeting between childe and kaeya would go down

just some wannabe pirate and war criminal brain rot!!! this idea has been stuck in my mind for WEEKS and i just needed to get it down so i could breathe thanks aifjskfj 

also sorry if someone has already done this!! i did not check the tags or anything to see if a similar idea was posted but here’s just my take on it!! weewoo had to throw out a disclaimer just in case 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so the only way i could ever truly imagine them meeting is if you’re hanging out w one of them and suddenly woAH HEY CHILDE FANCY SEEING YOU HERE???

like i don’t see them meeting on their own unless kaeya a) travels to snezhnaya/visits liyue for some reason or b) childe comes to mondstadt on fatui business

but anYWAYS- i digress,,, let’s say a chance meeting happened between the two (pls mihoyo make this happen i am BEGGING) 

so you’re just walking around mondstadt after completing your commissions w paimon yapping abt trying out the new dish at good hunter (i wonder if it’s called emergency food)

you run into kaeya as you’re making your way over to said restaurant  

pirate boy was patrolling since he’s a knight and even tho i clown him out of love he does take his job very seriously 

so you bump into him and the smooth mf says smthg like 

“fancy meeting you here, it’s almost like we’re destined ;)” 

pls smack him thanks <3 

you roll your eyes and you can practically fEEL paimon’s glare 

so y’all get caught up in conversation and just end up walking around town (w promises to paimon that you will treat her to some good food later) 

kaeya’s retelling something that happened earlier in the day w klee i had to include her i love her sm pls 

and then you just hear a 

“huh if it isn’t mondstadt’s honorary knight” 

dEAR GOD you would know that voice anywhere- JDSJFS 

so many questions??? are running through your head??? as you turn around???? 

first and foremost being ayO childe what are you doing here???

his hand is held up in a wave and he has his trademark soft smirk playing on his lips pls im gonna wring his pretty little neck lovingly

he makes his way over to you and you guys just kinda stare at each other for a good second 

paimon breaks the silence w her scream of “chILDE???” 

that snaps you out of it and you give him a questioning look while waving back (very delayed might i add) 

“it’s good to see you too paimon” he laughs

he briefly explains that he’s here on fatui business and relax he’s not here to cause any trouble yet

this is basically when kaeya cuts in 

knowing the both of them they were definitely sizing each other up when pleasantries were exchanged

also kaeya (being the cavalry captain) is DEFINITELY aware that childe is in mondstadt especially since he’s a harbinger - it’s not like he can be quiet abt it 💀

assuming that they haven’t had a chance to meet tho since i mini headcanon that jean would probably have been the one to escort him and his underlings to the goth grand hotel, there would just be some intense eye contact

both men are v prone to putting up a friendly demeanor while having the ability to practically slice you apart w sweet threats and razor sharp looks 

kaeya would take the initiative and say smthg like

“i dont believe we’ve met - i’m kaeya of the knights of favonius” 

childe would shake his hand and out of propriety introduce himself too 

now here’s where things could get a touch complicated 

as fatui harbinger to cavalry captain, obviously there’s some animosity (hidden ofc under sweet words of deceit and sugar coated phrases of diplomacy) 

however, as just kaeya and childe, i think these two would hit it off pretty quickly LMFAO 

they remind me a lot of oikawa and atsumu from haikyuu if you’ve ever watched it 🕴 same exact vibes 

there would be the formalities in the beginning before childe’s playful nature would come through 

kaeya seeing that you two knew each other and were quite amicable ahem even if he did try to kill us would join in w his own smooth nature 

expect lots of cringe worthy moments and just jokes™

childe would probs say something like 

“i’ve heard mondstadt is famous for it’s wine, i would like to try some and see just how good it really is” and BOOM it’s over for you

you thought they needed you to keep it amicable???

naH now you’re just third wheeling bestie💀

100% inseparable and now drinking buddies at the end of the night 

their natures just FIT like you thought dealing w them alone was bad??? BYE you’re in for a treat then 

enDLESS TEASING!!! it!! will!! not!! stop!!! 

they just team up to make sure you’re either flustered or ready to wring their gorgeous necks 

they would probs end up being spar buddies too 

childe would casually bring up the fact that he likes to fight and would maybe p o s s i b l y like to spar especially w someone in the famed knights of favonius 

kaeya would agree and BOP BOP sparring buddies 

but in conclusion!!! to this very unnecessarily long post!! kaeya and childe would meet as a result of you, they would hit it off bc c’mon they’re so similar it hurts and they’re not following you anymore now you’re following them <3 

a lil bonus scenario bc writing this has been sm fun:

“you’re such a lightweight” kaeya laughed out while his new friend was miserably collapsed on the bar stool next to him. childe looked up from where his head was tucked into his arms and raised an eyebrow. “is that a challenge captain?” he huffed out, his usually clear ocean blue eyes now dilated with the effects of the wine. “you shouldn’t have ordered hardcore alcohol as your first sample of mondstadt wine. that’s a rookie mistake” kaeya remarked while amusedly staring at his companion’s deconstructed state. “yeah well, honestly i think i can still take a couple more drinks. probably more than you anyway” childe retorted. his flushed cheeks however, told another tale altogether. kaeya smirked, a competitor huh? “i wouldn’t expect anything less from a fatui harbinger” were his words and with that, two more drinks were waved over by the cavalry captain.  

needless to say, an hour later, two extremely drunk, flushed men stumbled out of angel’s share, all the while giggling about gloves of all things. it’s safe to assume that they were both kicked out, if the ten drinks they had ordered were of any significance. as they help each other up while making their way onto the streets of mondstadt, they leave behind a bill fit for a feast, and a night that they will certainly remember (especially due to the nasty hangovers they will inevitably wake up to the following morning). 

[kalixus]

hi .  i may not be here for some undisclosed amount of time because i now work for the cia

no im , completely joking dont take that seriously please i’m just moving. uh so idk how long it’ll take to get internet and to regain full form after melting into a puddle bc a/c is too expensive aaaand i don’t know what’s going on. basically.  welcome to mikah’s life of chaos i hardly plan things i am very disorganized and i tend to live on the cuff 

tl;dr : i’ll be slow here & on discord & on all forms of life for the next week or so (?) whatever i manage to get into the queue is all i got for the week tbh i’m full of muse and procrastination so i’m probably gonna get a good amount done

also someone just royally ripped me apart for being a pisces rising moon virgo falling , thing. like truly just , i genuinely think they hate me now but it’s not the first time i’ve been glared at when someone looks up my star chart. so there’s that piece of information you didn’t need to know

stay hydrated  ,  stay motivated  , stay percolated   ,  uh stay dilated  , or don’t that’d actually be a bad thing ANYWAY have an obligatory little kith here ya go

love y’all  ,  stay chaotic. ♡ 

[drkcnry67]

Dance with me?

A/N: @obxmermaid​  this is day 15 omg thank you for the opportunity to make christmas stories this year. im honored that i can expand my writing fandoms. today we find that its before owls, before christmas feast, before their relationship was out in the open. this is the formal, this is the hogwarts winter formal. draco and Yn are not yet a public couple but this night Draco takes the courage to ask YN to dance and no one asks questions cause all cards and rivalry’s are off the table during the dance and for that day. so this is what looks like a friendly dance between a guy and a girl. but it is so much more than that.

pairing: Draco Malfoy x reader

prompt: snowball fight/ winter formal

mentioning @sweetness47​

25 days of hogwarts

the yule ball, or in some cases what would be known as a winter formal is one of the most sacred events hogwarts has the honor of throwing every 2 years. its a grand event some people have their gowns and tuxes picked out months or years ahead of the event. 

but you had no gown yet for the gown you wanted was in london at a shop you had passed by so many times and the last time you did you saw a halter peacock teal floor length gown. it took your breath away. 

this was the gown you wanted but alas you had no time at that moment to get it. a few days before the ball you were watching the entire dorm obsess over their gowns, choosing hair and makeup. but you and draco hadnt even discussed going to the ball. 

or at least what would happen at the ball. but meeting draco for your session a few days before the formal, you were distracted and draco could tell.

Draco: something on your mind love.

YN: the formal is in 2 days and well we cant go as a couple no one outside of our friends know, and what if people ask questions. 

Draco: so we wont show up together but the formal is a chance for everyone to forget the rivalry’s and grudges and hard feelings are off the table. no one will ask questions if i ask you to dance. and whats better is this will be the first of many dances to come i hope. 

yn: i just wish i could walk in with you on my arm and not have to worry about a thing. 

Draco: i know what you mean but it will hopefully show the professors that even our rivalry can be put aside when it matters. 

YN: i hope so. i need a dress though. 

Draco scribbles out a quick fire message and sends it off... 

YN: what was that about...

Draco: trust me you will thank me later... just promise me you will have the time of your life at the formal besides we will dance and no one will say anything... besides i look forward to the end of the party, where you and i meet in the courtyard to just watch the stars and hide away for a kiss, all before returning to the charade and our dorms.

YN: so basically you have the entire night planned out. 

Draco: more or less yes... now go you need to have energy for tomorrow. get some rest my love. go before you fall asleep on my lap. 

YN: i guess your right, i will see you tomorrow in class... 

you walked out of the tower and back to your dorm. where you collapsed on the bed as hermione walked in. 

Hermione: so how was your tutoring tonight cuz? 

YN: it was fine... we talked about the formal... he has the entire night planned out but then i told him that i didnt have anything to wear. and before you say it cuz, its fine i mean im sure he will dance with me whether im in a pretty dress or my uniform. 

Hermione: i know we are gonna look killer at the formal or we are gonna fail trying to have a fun night. now what about your wardr... Oh My God! cuz get over here a box with a bow on it just showed up at the entrance.

you get up off the bed and run over to the entrance where Hermione was gawking at the box. 

YN: OMG what could be in such a large box... 

Hermione: well lets get it inside and happily look at this mystery package. 

YN: i think i might know who this is from... but yes lets get it inside before we do anything else with this. 

it was your own mind putting draco’s mysterious fire message with the sudden appearance of this box. the timing of it all was far too coincidential, but never the less you looked forward to whatever lay inside this box. 

You set it on your bed, you ran your fingers over the box, tracing the bow, tracing the box outline. this was when your cousin noticed an envelope on top of the box tucked under the ribbon. 

Hermione: maybe that envelope will explain better as to whats inside and possibly who its from... 

you grab the envelope and open it, its a list of what is inside the box as well as instructions. 

“this box contains the following items: - A-Line Scoop Neck Floor-Length Chiffon Prom Dresses With Beading Sequins in Ink Blue, - navy blue  Faux Fur Fashion Wrap, -a custom bracelet in rose gold, -a gold  Beautiful Rhinestone/Alloy Headband & -  Black Women's Leather Suede Heels Latin With Ankle Strap. do not open this box until the day of the formal. you will look beautiful. save me a dance or several.. love always Draco”

you sat back on the bed and smiled lightly as you tucked the box under your cousin’s bed and hid the note in your dresser, you giggled yourself to sleep that night. for you knew the next 2 days would be torture till the day of the formal anyway. 

you were the one person in this entire school who would ever take the dance not seriously. you were the only one whose heart would not allow you to fall in love with a person who did not share your heart. 

you woke the next morning to the sound of your alarm. you went to the closet and pulled out your uniform putting it on and grabbing your cloak before heading out of the room with your wand in your sock. 

YN (to self): i hope this doesnt mess up anything, tomorrow is gonna be a happy day. the next day is the formal, and I have the opportunity to show this school that even those who are rivals can become chill even in the midst of the old laws. i need to get to class so that way no one suspects anything. 

you made it to potions and smiled slightly as hermione was sitting beside your seat. draco had followed you inside. you knew that hermione could feel the happiness flowing out from you. 

You were the one person that Hermione could trust and likewise her for you. But it was now to your surprise that she passed you her notebook with a few simple words on it.

"Draco won't stop glancing at you. His pupils dilate when he stares at you. It's like he is mentally undressing you or something..."

You reply back with a simple phrase.

"he I'm sure is just removing a few layers, back to when we were in london and we went swimming in a private pool. We made out for hours. Now we will discuss this later."

you slid her back her notebook and both of you paid attention as snape decided to begin his lesson with a pop quiz type thing, you and hermione being the 2 smartest witches in the room decided to let the other students have a chance to answer the questions. 

Snape: yn tell me what is the common use of wolfsbane?

YN: wolfbane used to sedate or subdue a werewolf. it is also known as acanite or commonly found in the form of a blue flower, it is in some cases a rare find. 

Snape: and how exactly does one give wolfsbane to the werewolf?

YN: it has to be while its human, most times wolfsbane is used to snuff out the werewolves in human form before its too late. 

snape: i would like each of you to take one of these flowers and for the next class prepare to brew me some wolfsbane if you wish to pass. now before the end of class today copy down the board, we will be studying wolfsbane for the next week. 

you went to your notebook and copied down the board. it was very distracting when you knew your boyfriend was stealing glances at you...  this made it very hard to concentrate. 

you wrote a note on your notebook and slid it to your cousin... 

“im getting antsy, cuz i am really anxious...”

she replied with the typical responce.

“dont worry girl, im sure you both will have your alone time later... think about it this way, in 2 years you will be able to marry and there will be nothing anyone can say to stop you.”

you had to internally laugh...

“me married can you imagine that... god if i know much more about that than you do... by the way i am so nervous to see what is in that box... like what if it doesnt bring the correct appeal...”

you sighed as your cousin wrote her responce.

“chill girl, your gonna rock that formal... now finish your notes so you can get out of here and be with your man.”

You smiled as you finish your notes and wait for Snape to dismiss the class. You stared at the ceiling for a few moments trying to keep a cool head.

Snape: alright those who finished the notes can leave a few moments early, those who haven't you have 5 minutes to finish those notes.

You and Hermione got up and walked out of the class, you walked by where Draco was sitting you had used a slight of hand to slip him a note.

You knew he would read it after class, you also knew he would thank you for it later. But you and Hermione took off and walked back to the court yard.

Where you both parted ways you both had picked a random slot for your separate ways. You were off to the quidditch tent to prep for the upcoming Christmas match, Hermione headed to divination.

You were one of those few captains who would take half a period out of your entire day to spend it preparing for a match that was a week and a bit away.

You had to come up with a strategy that would knock your match out of the water. you could feel something strange something abnormal as you stood in the tent. 

the earth began to quake, the tent came down on your head before you could move out of the way.... you were covered in tent, and one of the tent pole was on you too heavy to move. 

you held your wand up... 

YN: periculum!

you sent the sparks and then passed out. you knew someone would possibly come find you. you had to have faith, you had too believe that one person above all others would see it. 

meanwhile, hermione had bumped into draco in the hall on the way to divination, she told draco that she last saw you in the courtyard... draco and hermione then saw the sparks. both of them went to find any professor they could cause that was the rules. 

they ended up spying mcgonigal, running up to her in a hurry they approach her with the news of the sparks. 

mcgonigal: miss granger, mr malfoy come with me we will investigate this immediately. 

the 3 of them hastely rushed toward the sparks, seeing the collapsed tent on arrival, mcgonigal waves her wand and sets the tent right, they all went inside and foudn you there after. 

mcgonigal transported herself plus you draco and hermione to the hospital wing. madame pomfry immediately got involved, she was pushing everyone back... but the only person who had to leave was minerva. 

hermione and draco now remained in the room to wait whether and when you would wake. your body had gone into a state of shock, the pole had bruised you a bit and thanks to the miracle potion that madame pomfry had administered to you, you were healing nicely. 

hermione: come on girl, come on we still have to rock this formal, come on please wake up come on cuz... we both need you to wake up. 

draco: don't you dare leave me, you can't, we haven't had any time. Come on YN wake up, open your eyes. We need to have our day in the sun! I need you to open your eyes so we can live our future together our way.

Madame pomfry heard what Draco said deciding not to say anything she just came back round to your bed side and administered a second dose of medicine.

Madame pomfry: take a bed each of you. Get some sleep, you both will be alerted first when she wakes. Try not to worry she will pull through she is a extraordinary girl.

Draco took a bed near you, Hermione took one on the other side of you. They wanted to be the first people's you saw when you woke up.

They tossed and turned but eventually both fell asleep. it was 8 hours later that an announcement rang through the school...

Minerva: attention students the quidditch field is off limits due to an investigation of recent events. someone brought the tent down on ravenclaw Yn. note that the perpetrator who is responsible if a student will be immediately expelled and sent to the ministry to await trial. we take this seriously. please be sure to make good notes for your fellow classmate as she is soon recovered in the hospital wing thanks to madame pomfry, classes go on as scheduled and the formal is still happening, thank you for your attention. 

both draco and hermione sat up a few moments after at the sound of your groans. they both looked at you in time for you to open your eyes. 

hermione: YN...

Draco: YN... your ok!

madame pomfry walked in at that moment as well to see you sit up. 

Madame Pomfry: YN your awake wonderful how are you feeling. 

YN: like i was hit by a unexpected brick wall what happened?

madame pomfry: you were found under the collapsed quidditch tent, you were brought to me bruised and unconcious. these 2 were among those who found you. you are pretty lucky you werent seriously injured. your bruising has gone down, you will stay in here for a few more hours then you can go back to your dorm. it is my recommendation that you get plenty of rest and then you go to the formal tomorrow and take it easy... your cousin will be allowed to stay with you tonight so she can make sure you get the rest you need. 

now that madame pomfry had come to see you hermione got off the cot she slept on and came to hug you... you flinched a bit but returned her embrace, Draco approached from the other side and touched your shoulder. 

hermione let go of you as she went to madame pomfry and began asking her for a written report for hermione to deliver to professor McGonagall. while both hermione and madame pomfry werent looking Draco came to sit on the edge of your bed, he smiled lightly... 

Draco: you are awake. i was so worried about you. 

 YN: strange thing is i dont recall the tent coming down. i remember being in there working on my strategy for the christmas exhibition match, when the earth shook and thats when everything went dark. i wasnt even done when everything happened. i am so sorry i worried you. 

Draco: you are such a brave girl, im very lucky to have you on my arm and by my side. i love you YN. 

YN: i love you too. now go do me a favor and take a shower and change your robes. no offense my love but you need to take a shower. 

Draco: i will take your advice... ill see you in a while. and ill have your homework... 

Draco took his leave to go take a shower and change his robes before class. he went to class but his mind was not completely there. the professors had already gathered a stack of notes for you, so while draco attended the classes he couldnt focus. that was not a good thing, especially for his grades. 

but the professors understood, for they all knew he clearly had other things going on, for at this time you and draco were out to the school. no one questioned why draco wasnt fully paying attention, they just hoped you would be okay. 

a few hours passed, hermione brought you your casual dress to get you back to the dorm. as your fellow students watched you and hermione walk back to the dorms. you smiled slightly at draco who just watched you in passing like any normal rivalry. 

the next few hours were spent with different people coming in to do different shifts of watching you, helping you, taking care of you. finally it was the tutoring time. you were told to be on bed rest, but when hermione didnt return to the dorm you figured she had arranged something. 

Draco knocked at the door before he entered. once he came into view he was entranced by how stunning you looked sitting there, with your pet cat in your lap. (*yes okay yes i realize that this is the first time i mention the reader’s pet... sue me i forgot about that part till just now.*) 

YN: hey.

Draco: i brought you the notes and stuff from classes. YN i feel so awful about what you went through i....

thats when you placed your finger to his lips this shut him up immediately.

YN: its not your fault, there was nothing you could have done. i went to the tent it was my choice. please i dont want you to blame yourself for what happened. lets just focus on the formal. now i want to thank you for the box... and before you say that it isnt from you or that you have no idea what im talking about. the magic signature on the card on the box belonged to you love.  i havent looked inside, but i know that when i show up at the formal im gonna look absolutely smashing. 

Draco: i have to use the money my father sends me somehow, so i went to the shop, and i picked everything out with the measurements that i got from hermione of course. plus it matches us a bit... anyway, here are the notes i had a few questions i knew you could help me solve. snape wants me and you to be among the first to brew the wolfsbane. he says it will be a easy task or at least for you it will be. he also said that you need to submit your formula on wolfsbane by fire message before the end of the day. 

You quickly did that as Draco said it, he looked at you with curious concern in his eyes. he stayed with you for a few hours explaining what happened in the classes you missed. handing you the assignments, letting you explain what he didnt understand. 

*TIME SKIP: the rest of that evening went by pretty quick, you spent time tutoring Draco, who left when your cousin walked back into the room. you were now spending time chattering with her over the hair styles for the formal the next day. well you and hermione got an early sleep for the next day would sure be a busy one. now we go to the showers where you have just arrived to stretch out and begin your day.*

you were in your stall, mulling things over under the hot water. your brain swimming with thousands of thoughts, ones that made you begin humming, something you do quite often and in different situations you hum different songs. in this case it was something celtic something haunting some sort of ancient melody that haunts your very soul.

your hum echoed through the castle. no one could figure out where the sound was coming from except your cousin. for she had heard you hum that tune many numerous times before. 

Hermione: so you thinking again?

you snapped out of your hum, for you had not realized that another person could have walked into the room, never mind your own cousin. 

YN: just got some butterflies about tonight... H what if this doesnt go the way we think it will... 

Hermione: well cuz if you think about it this way, people will expect the rivalry to still take place during the event no one will expect the rivalry to be non existant during the event. to see 2 people who arent normally friends acting like friends even if for one night will do us all proud. now hurry up so we can go open the box to see what your man gave you... 

YN: ah yes thank you for reminding me cuz, thank you for giving draco the information he needed to get these things for me.. i appreciate it a ton. 

Hermione: no to worry cuz you are gonna look beautiful. now hurry up or you will look like a prune... 

 you finished cleaning up, you dryed off and wrapped up in your housecoat to go back to your dorm. twas the only way you were comfortable. your cousin right beside you both of you discussing your hair and what the hell you would do with it. 

Hermione  and you now sat in your dorm and just stared at the box between you both, the blue box that had tormented you for 2 days now sat between you ready for the unveiling of what lay inside. 

you removed the note and slowly undid the ribbon binding the box shut. you reached down to ope the lid, the first thing you saw was the dress, picking it up you stood spinning around holding the dress against your form.

YN: remind me to thank him for this...

hermione: oh im sure just wearing this tonight will thank him enough for this. now come on lets see what else is in here… 

you lay the dress over your cousins lap as you reach into the box and pull out a fashion wrap…

YN: isnt this basically just a cape?

Hermione: yes it is but we dont speak of that… lol it is nice and it looks like it goes in matching with the dress. 

you lay that as well over your cousins lap and pull out a small bag.

YN: wnder what this is…

Hermone: well it must be valuable in order to require its own packaging inside of packaging, 

you ope the baggie to reveal a custom bracelet. 

Hermione: ive seen those before, you can get it engraved with whatevr you want particularly used for couples. 

you flip it over and look at the enraving, “Yn & Draco always and forever 08-22”

you smiled ear to ear, little giggles left your lips, happily of course as you attached the bracelet to your wrist. once it was attached you reached into the box to pull out the next item again another baggie a bit bigger than the last. you opened it to reveal a gold headband. 

YN: so he is gona treat me like a queen

Hermione: at least i dont have to worry about you. 

YN: but you still will anyway cause thats just how you are cuz!

hermione: come on girl whats the last thing in the box.

You reach into the box and pull out a pair of leather strap short heals and smile. 

Hermione: lets become fabulous. cause we all know thats a crime in itself but we have 5 hours before we have to be there for presentations and plus the rivals have the first dance as is in the announcement this year. 

you had forgotten that the ministry had made that announcement… since fudge was supposed to make an appearance at the dance. He wanted to see the rivals of the school have the honor of first dance. It was a new tradition and would remain so for generations to come. 

First was to get dressed. You went behind the change cover, you put on your strapless and a nice pair of seamless bottoms. You were now ready for the dress, but you realized that there was a bra built into the dress already. Well at least into one part of it. ****A/N: yes i know that this wasnt mentioned but the dress that im describing is a two piece, it was one i had done my research on and liked the way it looked in the color scheme i was using for this story. Okay back to the story.****

You removed your strapless as now you knew you didnt need it. You pulled on the skirt fiestas to make sure that you were good in that department. You kinda did a half twirl and then put on the top, well you couldnt do it up as the zipper was at the back. 

YN: hey cuz, can you zip me up?

Hermione: a zipper… how does it look 

YN: its a 2 piece… its in my house color, its soft fabric it feels soft against my skin. 

Hermione: well come out and hold yourself in place. 

You stepped out from behind the shield and watched your cousin turn around in her dress. You both squealed in happiness for it made you both happy to know that you both looked amazing! Hermione did your top up and both of you stood side by side in the mirror.  

Hermione: cuz we need to photo shoot this in the mirror, we are still sure of this plan, we are so certain that this is the night the school will accept the possibility of a union between you and draco. I mean when are you guys planning to tell everyone about your relationship anyway. 

YN: no idea, it hasnt been discussed to much, we know we need to tell everyone we just dont know when or how. But when we do it will be a big event. Alright on a different note ive set the mirror to do the photo shoot of us its taking 5 very precisely timed shots. So lets wing it. Nice one first so we can duplicate it and send it to our folks then we go from there. 

Pose 1: normal, side by side and looking your best. 

Pose 2: charlies angels, missing an angel but smiling anyway

Pose 3: the shocked first look in outfit (hermione shocked at seeing you)

Pose 4: parting the sea, back to back looking away

Pose 5: and finally the hug it out moment

You went round to the window to stare down at the world, the school looked all decorated for the formal and the sound of people gathering around the grounds, the concorse full of people and visitors. You strapped on your shoes and your cousin finished your hair and applied your wrap. 

you wondered how the night would look, you wondered if anyone would question the less amounts of tension between you and Draco.

You wondered alot of things but a knock at the door brought you back to earth. You turned to see Harry and Ron standing at the door. 

Harry: wow, ladies you both look amazing! 

You and Hermione smile as Harry hands you something from minerva

Yn: it's professor McGonagall she wants to see me, says it's of great importance. 

Hermione: that's okay I'll walk down with the boys. Go go… 

You walk out of the room and go as fast as possible without tripping and falling to where you knew the professor would be. 

Minerva: ah YN you look lovely..  

Yn: thank you professor, I got your note you wanted to see me. 

Minerva: yes as you may have heard by now this year the Minister of magic is attending the formal as a honored guest, he has requested that you and Mr malfoy be honored guests as your rivalry is legendary as well as you and Mr malfoy will be receiving something special from the minister. He wants to commend you both on jobs well done this year. Your main task for the dance is to start the dancing off, now i know that you are a little sensitive YN so if you need a minute to process this before we make the announcement and before your fellow classmates begin to gather. 

YN: ya could i actually have a minute… where do i enter from?

Minerva: you will enter from the right side of the staircase, mr malfoy will enter from the left, just be there and ready for the announcement. 

You went round to the right side of the staircase and began pacing, letting your brain sort itself out to be able to go out there and not kiss Draco in front of everyone. 

To not run straight into his arms, to be able to just be a boy and a girl with no connection other than their rivalry for one night. 

That Un be known to you would be the case on this night you would be just a girl, and Draco would just be a boy who would be spending time together during the formal. 

Draco (to self): OK tonight can not go wrong, it's just one night to be just a boy and just a girl. I know she is probably nervous but she will be her normal brilliant self, i will be charming and pleasant and this evening will take the rivalship between me and YN to an 11. I hope she isnt overthinking things. 

You on the other side of things were overthinking everything that could go right and everything that could go wrong. You were also talking to yourself and pacing and borderline freak out. 

YN(to self): i cant do this, i can do this… what am i saying tonight is gonna go horrible… something is gonna mess this night up and screw up the entire eco system that is a almost 2 year secret… i wonder what it would be like if draco and i were out to the school and the public eye as a couple… what am i saying that would be a disaster. The ministry, the school, my parents, his parents, our friends, everyone would reject us… we would end up living as muggles for the rest of our lives, we would be exiled from the wizard records, we would have our legacy dragged through the dirt or worse. 

That's when you heard Dracos voice in the wind. 

Draco: don't stress babe, I'll be right by your side the entire time, trust me babe… Then we will happily go outside for some air later. Now let's get ready… and don't worry about a thing love. 

Thats when you had calmed down a bit more, and listened to mcgonigal speak.

Minerva: settle down everyone, before we all enter the great hall, it gives me great pleasure to introduce 2 people who im sure need no introduction, their rivalry is legendary amongst the entire student body. The minister himself asked that these 2 be given a very special entrance, ladies and gentlemen to kick off tonights winter formal i proudly present YN and Draco.

That was yours and Dracos cues to walk out from cover and down the stairs. All eyes were on the 2 of you as you both united in the center between the 2 staircases. 

Draco: in all my years at hogwarts never have I ever been so lucky in all I do, for my rival and I we know that we will make hogwarts proud in all we do and one day who knows maybe we will end up teaching here as well one day. But our rivalry won't end with graduation or parting for one final time. You all shall hear of our rivalry far and wide as we continue the rivalry even outside of hogwarts. Sorry for the speech slur but I figured on behalf of all of us we should make a statement. 

Draco then held his arm for you to take. That you did and both of you walked the rest of the steps together, the only person who you both stopped to acknowledge was the minister. 

Fudge: in all my time as minister for magic, i have never seen 2 people who just go from rivals one minute to just pleasant normal students, almost like the bond of your rivalry has brought you both closer together. Tell me YN did you ever see yourself and mr malfoy here being friends maybe. 

YN: i honestly can say no i have not seen that possibility but there is an ever changing future and i look forward to seeing what it may hold, if per chance one day this rivalry of ours becomes obsolete we will im sure become the best of friends, as long as that would be viewed as a good thing in the eyes of the ministry of course. 

Fudge: friendship is never an issue… now let the formal commence, music… 

You and draco walk onto the dancefloor, you both had not danced outside of the astronomy tower before you both were unsure of how to act. 

Draco placed one hand on your waist and one hand on your hand. The music started and you both began to move with the music, but no one would be able to hear your conversation….

Draco: you look wonderful tonight…

YN: thank you, i mean it wasnt hard to figure out who sent these wonderful items, but that was also a given considering we talk one minute about the formal and the fact i didnt have anything to wear and the next minute there is a mysterious box with a note saying that the dress and stuff was in the box made me smile. I figured it out when i saw the box, before i read the note. 

Draco: was it that obvious?

YN: yes it was but thats ok, cause i know that tonight we arent rivals, we are just 2 people who happen to be a big part of the school and its events. I honestly didnt know that this was what we had to do till i got mcgonigals note. 

Draco: well tonight will be special i promise. 

YN: ill hold you to it. 

Draco just smiled as more people joined you on the dancefloor, after a few songs you and Draco went to get something to drink. You both picked a table and sat down beside eachother, so as to have a civizled conversation. 

Draco: any plans to go home for break?

YN: nope, as far as my parents are concerned i am staying at the school and just helping minerva… its not like i have much at home anyway. I mean sure my parents are there and they love me but i dont want to go home, see my parents start getting back into my home life routine and then have to come back to hogwarts… its just too hard. Thats why i stopped going home for break, thats why i stay here and help the professors keep the school over break. 

Draco: well what would you say if i stay here as well over break… think of it as we are on one continuous date for 2 weeks. 

YN: now that i would enjoy. But i think we should tell the school… somehow… someway… but we shouldnt wait too much longer, we dont know what the consequences will be… 

Draco: i know you are right… i…

Just as he was about to speak again the minister came up to both of you pulling up a seat beside you… 

Cornielious: having a good time tonight…

YN: yes we are minister thank you… we were just discussing what the tutoring schedule will look like over the next bit before our owls and winter break. 

Draco: are you having a good time minister?

Cornielious: its like nothing has changed at hogwarts, this party is fantastic, it is a good time, it also gives me a break from my work at the ministry.. Oh YN your mom and dad said to say hi… i have them checking into a few strange occurrences for magic bursts. 

YN: well you certainly picked the right people for the job, i know my parents well enough to know that they wont quit a case if there are no leads… as my mom always the hardest case is the easiest case for the answer is staring you in the face. 

All 3 of you start laughing as the music changes again and one student exclaims…

Student A: its snowing!!!

All the students  continued to dance as the music changed to more slow songs, you and draco decided to try to slow dance again. But no one would have predicted the scene that would happen about quarter way into the dance. 

You were having a small convo with draco and he decided to kiss you on the cheek. No one else noticed, your cousin however smart and brilliant for she non vocally slowed time a bit to the point of you and draco could recover and pretend that it didnt happen.

But a few students and teachers noticed… this made you go bright red, you backed away from Draco and turned to run through the crowd, grabbing your cape and going out the doors down the stairs and into the rose garden. 

Time resumed but no one said anything, all they saw was you running out of the great hall and draco standing in the center of the dance floor. Hermione started to move toward the door but saw draco run after you… he realized he made a mistake. She went to explain to the professors what happened and the dance was resumed. 

Draco followed your footprints and got into the maze… he located you in the center of the maze, he was very careful to approach. But you were already aware that he had followed you. 

YN: no need to be cautious, i know you are there…

Draco came fully round the corner and became visible as he appeared in front of you. 

Draco: im so sorry about that in there love. It was… well i just…. I mean… 

YN: its okay i understand what happened… heat of the moment and all. But as my cousin has told me telepathically of course is that she has spoken to those who saw this happen and she told them that it was nothing special. It was just a simple slip of the moment. But she harry ron and crab and goyle all know the truth… one day we will tell the rest of the students and the professors but for now…

Thats when he threw a snowball at you… well now he had started something, this fight went on for a few moments before you realized that he was close enough to you & that you guys were still alone and that no one would know if you shared a moment under the falling snow… 

YN: tonight just being normal was amazing! Thank you so much for this… 

Draco: there is one more thing i feel like we should do… one thing that we are gonna do to remember this moment, how we looked on the floor and for anyone that wants a memory of tonight, i know i will and i know our friends will but we also need to start making memories for our children to see one day… so here is one for the history books...

You didnt have time to respond before he kissed you. the snow falling on your faces and the calm night air made this night even better to just be there together. 

~to be continued~

[chungledown-bimothy]

Lost Ourselves in the Bright Lights

Hello hello hello! About a month ago, a LOVELY anon gave me a multitude of prompts. One of which was “Virgil and Logan are at a concert. Virgil cause he loves the band and Logan because he brought his brother (Patton or Roman) and at first Logan Hates the whole thing but then he sees Virgil and Virgil is singing along and he thinks virgils beautiful and that’s how they meet”. 

Here’s to you, Prompt Anon. <3

Warnings: some swearing, some sexual innuendos/suggestiveness, but nothing anywhere near explicit. 

Pairing(s): analogical, logince as brothers, patton is logan and roman’s dad. very brief virgil and remy as friends.

Word Count: 3701 (a Big boy)

Tag List: @ren-allen @ilovemygaydad @ccecode @emo-sanders-sides-loving-unicorn @bloodropsblog @funsizedgremlin @raygelkitty @roxyfox23 @thomasthesandersengine 

"I understand that you want to go, Roman, but what does this have to do with me?"

"Because, Logan, dad says I can only go if you come with me 'to keep me out of trouble,’" Roman begged.

Logan sighed. "That's not fair to either of us. Aside from the fact that we graduate high school next month and are capable of keeping ourselves safe, now I must choose to either suffer through an evening of mediocre music played far too loudly to be safe or prevent you from seeing your favorite band."

"That's what I told dad, but he wouldn't budge! Please, Lo? I'll do your chores for the next two weeks if you come with me."

"Okay, I will. Don't expect me to have fun, though."

"I have a feeling you're gonna have a better time than you think, little brother."

"How many times do I have to tell you? Not only are we twins, but I am taller than you!" Patton stood in the doorway with a soft smile, listening to his sons bicker. He knew full well that Roman would have been just fine at the concert by himself, but something told him Logan should go with his brother, and all of the best things in Patton's life had started with that same feeling.

-------------------------

"Why is it already so loud?" Logan complained.

"It's called hype, calculator watch!"

"It is obnoxious. Enjoy the concert; I'll be at that table. Come find me when it's over."

"God, you're such a nerd. Did you even listen to the playlist I sent you, so you knew what to expect tonight?"

"Are you referring to the playlist entitled 'Mayday Parade Owns My Sad Gay Ass'? If so, no. All of this genre sounds alike, and the name itself is absurd, bordering on oxymoronic."

"You're absurd and bordering on oxymoronic!" Roman cried.

"I'm certain you don't know what that word means. Regardless, you're wasting your time here with me; it appears that what is colloquially known as the 'mosh pit' is filling up, and I know how much you wanted to be there."

"Good looking out, Lo! Mayday's going on soon anyway. I don't know how you think you're gonna be able to read once they start playing, but I hope you enjoy your book."

"Go have fun. It's what we're here for, after all." Logan smiled briefly before turning to the e-reader he brought, loaded with the newest Song of Ice and Fire novel. It wasn't long before the band started playing, and, loath as he was to admit it, Roman was right. Between the flashing lights and the ear-splitting volume, focusing on a book was simply impossible, so he decided to indulge in an exercise in observation, or 'people watching'.

Logan Sanders did not believe in fate or kismet or providence or any term one could use for that sentiment. He believed that the universe is cold and indifferent, and that even the most serendipitous events are simply chance. But, for a split second, after about fifteen minutes or so, he believed all of it when the spotlight paused its sweep over the crowd, illuminating the most beautiful man Logan had ever seen. He was a lost Bernini sculpture brought to life, soft lines belying a quiet grace and strength. Lost in the music, he was swaying and singing along, and he was radiant- purple hair and sharp features glowing in the light.

Logan Sanders certainly did not believe in love at first sight; he didn't even believe in love at all. In that moment, however, he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he needed to meet this man, that he was special.

And that absolutely terrified him.

He tried to keep his eyes off of him, he really did, but it was impossible to look away for long. So when the band took a break and his mystery man went to the bar to get a drink, Logan knew it was his chance.

"I apologize if I'm being too forward, but I couldn't help but observe you in the crowd tonight, and you are stunning."

"I wondered if you were going to come talk to me. What were you trying to read, before it got too loud?"

"I- I'm sorry, what?"  The man was even more handsome up close; dark eyeshadow and lipstick contrasting what Roman would call 'killer contour and highlight'. The overall effect was truly striking, leaving Logan speechless for the first time.

"A guy dressed like a teacher at a Mayday concert trying to read and clearly wanting to disappear into the walls? I'm sure most people, like you wanted, didn't notice you, but I'm not most people." He smirked, looking Logan up and down.

"Clearly." Logan replied, returning his 'elevator eyes', if he remembered the colloquialism correctly, and finding his voice again. "My name's Logan."

"Virgil. You obviously don't want to be here, so why are you?"

"Correction- I didn't want to be here. My brother loves the band, and our father insisted I accompany him."

"Past tense? What changed?"

"You're an intelligent man, Virgil. You tell me."

"You've licked your lips twice while we've been talking, and your breathing is uneven and shallow. And I'm fairly certain that if I do this," Virgil stepped forward, getting as close to Logan as possible without touching. "Your pupils will dilate and your breath will catch. Just. Like. That." He finished, whispering.

Logan looked up at him and noted the same physiological responses. "That's not what I asked, now, is it?"

"No, it isn't. What do you want, Logan?"

"Once again questions you already know the answers to."

"Once again, you're not answering them. Maybe I just want to hear you say it."

"Maybe I don't want to give you the satisfaction."

"Now that's just not true. If satisfaction wasn't on your mind, you wouldn't still be standing so close to me." Virgil leaned in and tilted his head, daring Logan to make the next move.

"What do you want, Virgil?" Logan whispered, eyes locked on his lips.

"You. All of you," Virgil confessed.

"Then take me." He barely got the words out before Virgil closed the gap between them.

Logan was no blushing virgin; while he hadn't had a relationship per se, exploring one's sexuality is a traditional part of the high school experience. He'd never been kissed like that, though. Like the answers to the world's most profound questions lay between their lips, and then oh. Virgil's hands were on his hips, pulling him even closer.

Logan broke the kiss, panting slightly. "We… we shouldn't be doing this here."

"You're right. Come back to my place? It's not far from here."

"I want to say yes, but…"

"You can't." Virgil stepped back, and Logan's heart metaphorically dropped when he saw the sadness in his face.

"If I were here alone, I absolutely would, but I promised I'd keep an eye on my brother."

"I get that, and I respect the fuck out of you for it. Here, put your number into my phone, and then come dance with me."

"I'll gladly give you my number, but I can't dance."

"Well, you're in luck, then. There's only one rule when it comes to dancing."

"What, pray tell, is it?" He asked, not looking up from Virgil's phone.

"Pick a partner who knows what he's doing." With a wink, Virgil took his phone back and led Logan to the dance floor.

The rest of the night was a blur of pounding bass, stolen kisses, and hands everywhere.

All too soon, the show ended, as all things must. With great reluctance, Virgil and Logan parted ways with a promise to meet again soon. Logan wasn't above admitting that while he didn't want him to have to, he enjoyed watching Virgil walk away.

"Ooooh, who was that, Lo-Lo?" Logan jumped, not having heard his brother's approach.

"Oh, that was, uh… that was no one."

"Falsehood, as you say so often. You were all over each other! I'd never seen you like that before. You like him!"

"Preposterous. I don't know him. And, as you said, my behavior was entirely uncharacteristic. I don't know what came over me."

"You stopped thinking with your big brain, and apparently your little brain has game. Please tell me you got his number."

"I don't understand; I only have one brain, and it is the average size for an 18-year-old male. Regardless, I did not get his number, but I gave him mine."

"You're gonna have to look that one up yourself- I'm not explaining it to you. Going off of how he was looking at you, I guarantee he'll call, and soon."

"I… honestly don't know if I want that or not."

"Trust me, you do. Come on, let's go home."

"That is the most rational thing you've said all day. And please don't say anything to our father about this. He'll be insufferable."

----------------------------------

Virgil woke up the next morning with dreams of dark eyes and a sharp tongue dancing through his mind. Some of them, though, were memory, not fantasy, and that realization brought his thoughts to a grinding halt, leaving just one behind: oh fuck.

In an instant, the night replayed in his mind's eye. The music, the dancing, the cute guy looking miserable and trying to read, the flirting, the kissing, the proposition, being turned down, the dancing. The only things he didn't remember were what possessed him to be that bold and the guy's name. He grabbed his phone and saw that the guy put his name, Logan, in with his phone number. One mystery solved, and he knew he wouldn't be able to solve the second alone.

[V]- 911 im fucked

[Rem]- i assume not in the good way?

[V]- no, im texting you with a dick in my ass.

[Rem]- 1) we both know you aren't a bottom 2) watch the attitude, babe. you sent the 911. what's up?

[V]- well i met a guy at the concert last night

[Rem]- FINALLY. was he any good?

[V]- we didn't fuck

[Rem]- no offense doll, but why are you telling me about him then?

[V]- i have his number, but i wasn't really me last night. i was smooth and confident. what happens if we meet up and he hates actual me?

[Rem]- then he can fuck off? i don't get why you're buggin about this

[V]- because im me and need a common sense filter sometimes

[Rem]- you're welcome, girl. now hit him up and lmk how it goes, mmkay?

[V]- ofc

----

Logan's alarm went off the next morning at 7:30 as usual, but, for the first time in years, he was tempted to turn it off and sleep in. A single thought, however, floated to the front of his mind, and he was wide awake. Virgil. The handsome stranger who, with a smirk and a kiss, made Logan question everything he thought he knew about love attraction as well as himself. What happened to me last night? I'm never that bold, that impulsive. It was completely irrational, not to mention possibly dangerous if I'd taken him up on his offer like I wanted to. Dear Newton, I wanted to. Well, I'm not going to solve anything just laying here, and Crofter's helps solve any problem. Breakfast time.

A few minutes later, Logan was in the kitchen with his Crofters-smothered English muffin and a steaming mug of his favorite tea when Patton came in.

"Hey, kiddo! Did you have fun last night?"

"Erm, yeah. More than I initially anticipated, in fact."

"That's great! Did you make any new friends?"

"I don't know what Roman told you, but it was nothing, and nothing will come of it, so there's no point in dwelling on it."

Patton chuckled. "I haven't seen Roman since you guys left for the concert. He's still sleeping." Logan blanched, realizing he'd given himself away. "Now, kiddo, wanna tell your old pop about this 'nothing'? Seems like it's weighing pretty heavily on your mind; maybe we can talk it out."

"It really is nothing, dad."

"Hmm. Well, if you don't want to talk about it, how about I guess, and you let me know if I'm right?" Realizing he wasn't going to be able to avoid the topic, Logan nodded. "Awesome. Okay, so, you're all out of sorts and insisted 'there's no point in dwelling on it', so it's a problem you don't think you can solve. The last time I saw you like this, you were 14 and had the biggest  crush on that boy… what was his name?"

"Gabriel," Logan muttered, embarrassed.

"That's it! I knew he was no good for you. Anyway, I think this is about a boy you met last night. Now, you're my little boy, and I've been to enough concerts to know that I don't want to know the details, but to throw you for a loop this big after one evening, there must have been a real connection. Am I on the right track?" Logan nodded, impressed and embarrassed by how accurate his dad was. "Thank you for being honest with me, Lo. I know feelings are messy and can be scary. I was absolutely terrified when I met your mother."

"Dad, we don't need to- this isn't-"

"It's okay, Logan. Yes, she's gone, but she's still part of us. I know how much it changed all of us, especially you, but you can't shut out all possibility of love because ours didn't work out. I won't pretend it didn't hurt like heck when she left, but I wouldn't trade what happened for the world; that pain was nothing compared to the love I have for you and your brother or how happy you both make me every single day." Patton reached across the table and wiped a tear from Logan's cheek. "The boy you met last night. He's special, right?"

"Y- yeah, I think so. He brought out a side to me I didn't know existed."

"Then go for it. Take a chance."

"I… I think I would if I could."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't have any way of getting in contact with him. I gave him my phone number, but didn't think to get his."

"He really did a number on you, huh? Well, look at it this way: it's out of your hands. What happens next is up to him. I know it's hard, but really all you can do at this point is to try to put it out of that brilliant mind of yours. Hey, do you wanna watch that Sherlock show you love so much with, uh, what's his name? Scratch-and-sniff Cabbagepatch?"

"It's Benedict Cumberbatch, and you hate BBC Sherlock. I've been trying to get you to give it another chance for the last year."

"That's what I said. Bumblebee Anglerfish."

"Getting further away. Benedict Cumberbatch."

"Burgerking Capncrunch."

"Never mind. You're clearly trying to distract me from the Virgil problem. Thank you, dad. I love you too."

"Virgil, eh? Nice name."

"Oh sh-"

"Language!"

"Sorry, dad."

"It's alright, kiddo. Come on, let's see what all the fuss is about Bandersnatch Cuttlefish."

-----------------------------

As difficult as it was to decide that he was going to message Logan, actually typing and sending a message was infinitely worse. "Hey" was too vague. "Is this Logan? It's Virgil from last night" implied that he thought Logan gave him a fake number, which he didn't. "This is Virgil. What's up?" could be interpreted as a booty call, which it wasn't. After an hour of staring at his phone, he took a deep breath and sent a message.

[To:Logan?]- Hey, Logan, this is Virgil.

Now all he could do was wait. He hated waiting.

------------------------------

Patton and Roman, worried about Logan, did all they could to keep him distracted, but nothing could stop him from checking his phone at least once every 5 minutes. It was shortly after 3pm when it lit up with a new message.

[Unknown Number]- Hey, Logan, this is Virgil.

"Umm... Roman?" Logan called across the house.

"Yeah?"

"Can you come here? He just messaged me." He'd hardly finished his sentence when he heard a thud and Roman's footsteps, running to join him in the living room.

"I told you he would! What did he say? What are you going to say?"

"That's why I called for you. Here, take a look and tell me what I should do. I don't have any experience with this, and reading the message gives me an odd feeling in my abdomen."

"Those are butterflies, calculator watch! Wow, you really like him, huh?"

"I assume you mean metaphoric butterflies referring to the influx of dopamine, norepinephrine, and testosterone released when one is experiencing attraction, as it is impossible for any lepidopteran to survive, let alone reproduce, in the human digestive system. And yes, I believe I may have... feelings for him that are far stronger than the briefness of our acquaintance should allow."

"Oh my god, you are insufferable. Now, let's look at the message. Simple, to the point. He's as nervous about this as you are, Lo."

"How could you possibly know that from just 5 words?"

"Science is your thing, love is mine. I also literally just got a 5 on the AP Psychology exam. You want my advice, here's what I've got."

"I apologize. I asked you for advice; questioning that advice was bad form."

"Thank you. Now, as I was saying, he's nervous. I think your best bet is to match his tone. Don't try to pretend you aren't nervous, too. I won't tell you what to say, just that you should be completely honest. In any relationship, but here especially. You're afraid he won't like you; if you keep your messages legit, he'll get to know you, and I'm sure he'll love you."

"You can't know how he'll feel about me, but I appreciate the advice, and will certainly take it."

[To:Virgil]- Hello, Virgil. I wasn't sure you'd reach out, to be honest. The reply came almost instantly, which he wasn't expecting.

[Virgil]- I wasn't sure I would, either. Do you… wanna get coffee or something some time?

"Oh my god, I ship it so much! Y'all are so cute I can't even!!" Roman shrieked, scaring Logan so much he fell off the couch.

"E equals mc scared! Why did you feel the need to scream like that?"

"You guys are so precious. Clearly, you aren't the only one who was uncharacteristically bold in the face of new love. You're going to say yes, right?"

"It would be foolish of me to decline, given the emotions I've felt over the last..." he checked his watch, "approximately 21 hours."

"Take him to Jimin's cafe! Now that he's got a boyfriend, it's all domestic and cute. The perfect romantic location for a first date!"

"You mean the cafe where the barista put salt in your soda?"

"Okay, technically, yes, Jimin did that, but I was flirting with Taehyung. I deserved it, really."

"Despite my better judgment, I'll propose we go there, but only because I'm at a loss for an acceptable alternative."

[To:Virgil]- Coffee would be excellent. My brother's friend runs a cafe downtown- Bulletproof, I believe it's called. I've been reliably informed that it is a common first date location; are you available tomorrow, by chance?

"Oh my goodness, Logan, you are a disaster. It's obvious that you need me to teach-"

[Virgil]- haha yeah, I know Bulletproof. Really good coffee. Would 11 tomorrow morning work?

"Never mind. Clearly, he's into your nerd vibe, for some reason. Alright, I've gotta leave before dying of loneliness. Good luck in your romantic endeavors, brother dearest."

"Clearly you are not distraught enough to abandon your propensity for hyperbole. Thank you for the well wishes, and I truly hope that you will find someone to satisfy your romantic inclinations soon. You certainly deserve it."

"Ew, gross. Mushy Logan is weird. I'm leaving." With that, Roman stood up and left the room.

[To:Virgil]- 11 tomorrow would be perfect. I look forward to seeing you again.

[Virgil]- same. See you then :)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was 10:55, and Logan was sipping an Americano, so lost in his thoughts and anxieties that he didn't hear the bells on the door jingle when someone walked in. He was startled back to reality by a barista's cheerful "annyeonghaseyo!", the cafe's standard greeting for customers, and looked up to see him. Virgil. His heart started racing as he took in the more casual look, leather pants and tight t-shirt swapped for ripped skinny jeans and a hoodie with purple plaid patches and no makeup, except for some dark eye shadow.

As Virgil got closer, Logan stood to meet him.

"Hello, Virgil. It's, it's nice to see you again." Logan's heart, already beating faster than was strictly speaking healthy, started pounding when Virgil smiled and blushed.

"You too, Logan. I, um, I'm gonna go order a drink. I'll be right back." Logan tried not to stare as Virgil walked away, but it was an exercise in futility.

A few minutes later, Virgil returned, drink in hand.

"May I ask what you're drinking?" Logan asked, internally cringing at the banal attempt at conversation.

"It's a caramel macchiato. Usually I'm an Americano kind of guy, but that barista recommended it and made it sound really good, and he was totally right."

"In that case, here's to finding pleasure where you don't expect to." Logan raised his mug in a half-toast. Virgil raised his in return and smirked; only then did Logan realize the double entendre and blush.

"So we're back talking about pleasure, eh?"

Logan cleared his throat. "Perhaps this is not the appropriate venue for that conversation. May I suggest space as an alternative subject?"

"VIVA LA PLUTO!" Virgil shouted, immediately looking down and blushing. "Sorry. Impulse. I'm clearly still bitter about some things."

"No, no. I completely agree. August 2006 was a dark, dark time. Viva la Pluto indeed."

They spent hours in that cafe debating, joking, and flirting. This time, Logan accepted Virgil's offer to go home with him.

[jenosweave]

college!kun

FINALLY A KUN REQUEST!! this is one of my favorites please enjoy and don’t let me flop!!

let’s start w the basics…

major: linguistics

minor: comparative literature

extracurriculars: book club

other: literally writing his own novel??

school life

kun is such a good student

he always does his work on time and tries to get ahead when he can

he’s a plug too

he'll even do his friends’ readings and summarize it for them if they have a particularly busy week

he doesn’t allow himself to be used though

he just loves and appreciates his friends so much and wants to help them be successful when there are things they cant control that can get in the way of that

kun really enjoys his studies

his required courses are really stimulating and keep him on his toes

he loves leaving class every day feeling like he’s one step closer to understanding where language comes from and why we communicate the way we do

kun’s passion for linguistics sprouted from his adoration of reading

he’s a member of every book he could find on campus

he firmly believes the more you read, the more perspectives you’re able to see, which in turn, makes you a generally more enlightened and compassionate person

kun loves reading and language so much that he decided to just write his own book over the summer for fun

he sent a “very rough draft” to a local publisher

just for experience

and to get him used to rejection in case he ever wants to seriously pursue a career in writing someday

but now he’s fucked because

they actually liked it??? so he kind of has a book deal now??

which he was not expecting at all

there were a lot of comments for him to address as he expected

and the first one he decided to deal with was the lack of a love interest for his protagonist

except there’s only one problem with that

he has no idea how to successfully write for a love interest

so he does what any normal young writer would do to get inspiration

and goes to the university’s monthly speed dating event in the quad

early stages

you had been “too single for too long,” according to your best friend

and the only way you could get them to shut up about it was if you attended one of the school’s speed dating nights

and you decided it was worth the trouble, and made your way to the quad to get this over with

you had exactly two and a half minutes with every person you’d “date”

and for the most part, those two and a half minutes couldn’t go by fast enough

after talking to other students who only cared about football, trucks, and battlestar galactica, you were about ready to up and go

but your second to last “date” changed your mind

his name was kun

“alright this is gonna go by quick, so i’m gonna take the reigns if you don’t mind,” he spoke

he was oddly productive

you nodded

“great!’ he smiled. “any hobbies?”

“well, i love to read an-”

“reading? me too! what genres are you into?”

a wide smile stretched across his smooth face and his pupils dilated noticeably UGH CUTIE

“i mean, i like fantasy, historical fiction, biographies, science fi-”

“no way! me too!” he interrupts. “i just like all books so much!! i’m writing my own actually!”

you thought that was mighty impressive and asked him what his book is about

and he told you he can’t disclose that information because of his publishing deal

and youre like,,,, wA i T.. PUBLISHER?? THAT’S SO COOL!!

and he goes, “thank you! maybe you’d like to come and read it sometime when it’s finished.”

you couldn’t help but blush and turn your head away

and that’s when you noticed you only had ten seconds left on the stopwatch

you hurriedly seized the pen the event organizers had left on the desk and grabbed kun by the wrist, taking him by surprise and causing a slight gasp to escape his lips

you messily scribbled your number onto his forearm

and as soon as you had finished writing your digits, the timer rang

as you both departed from the table, kun shouted at you from a distance “how am i supposed to read this chicken scratch?!”

you shot him a smile playfully and shouted back

“text me!”

you didn’t receive a text that night

or the night after

but the night after that, your phone dinged as soon as you hopped out of the shower

“hey! this is kun from the speed dating thing. i hope this is the right number. i’ve already texted three wrong people and have had to explain myself to each of them. it’s really embarrassing. please confirm if this is you!”

you sent him a simple “:)” in response

“so does that mean you’re down to get a coffee with me tomorrow?”

“:)”

the next morning, you had the first of many, many morning coffee breaks outside the school library

these quick little meetups usually concluded with a quick sift through the library, where you’d each recommend each other your favorite books and read the prologues to each other over a hot cup of coffee

at first, the librarians used to kick you out for having drinks inside, but now youre clever and just hide your cups under your jackets

this became a weekly occurrence

and then it started happening twice a week

and now you basically see kun every other day

he even managed to get you to join the biographical book club with him, something you’d be way too nervous to do before meeting him

kun was such a good guy

you knew he was smart and funny and you knew he was caring and fun to be around

but what you didn’t know is that he had been smitten with you from the second you scribbled your number onto his arm

one day, as you were studying for your last final of the semester, you got a call from kun

you sent him the automated response, “sorry, i cant talk right now”

but he called right back anyway

“what is it?” you answered

“i’m sorry if you’re studying but this is super important and im so excited and i just have to tell someone!”

“what’s up kun?”

“my book! it’s finished! and i finally added in the love interest like the publishers asked!”

“I’M SO PROUD OF YOU BITCH

“finish studying! then we can facetime and i can read you a chapter!”

and so for the next thirty nights (even over your winter break), you and kun would facetime so he could read you a chapter until the book was finished

and you’d give him pointers at the end of each one so he could go back and revise once you had gone to sleep

the plot was incredible, honestly

the protagonist was a divorced middle-aged man whose wife left him for being too aggressive and absent-minded all the time

in the divorce, the wife got full custody of their teenage son

but when she goes on a business trip, the protagonist gets to watch the son

however, when he goes to pick the son up to take him to his house, hes nowhere to be found

so the novel follows this poor guy trying to find his missing son

but no one seems to be listening to him, so hes losing his mind

he’s working alongside the police and falls for the dci leading the investigation

and basically in the end it turns out he’s schizophrenic and his wife and son never existed at all

all of this was in his imagination

and he had just been showing up to the police station every day like a crazy person

kun did so much research for that

he even got the accuracy of his portrayal of a schizophrenic checked by his pal psych major!jungwoo

on the night kun finally finished reading to you

you were sh0000000000000k like what the fuck all that trouble for it all to be fake?? genius kun!!

so he asked for your feedback on the development and personalities of all his characters

you complimented him on how well he portrayed the dci

they weren’t your typical love interest

they were headstrong and witty and educated

and they were determined to help the protagonist find his son when no one else was listening to him

“you like them?” he asked you

“yes! they were so different than i had expe-”

“i was hoping you’d like them. i was inspired by you.”

your heart BURST!!!

“KUN THAT’S SO SWEET!”

and that’s when he explained to you why he went to speed dating to begin with, and told you he was so glad to have met you

because you were the “perfect muse”

and then he asked if you’d like to be his s/o

and of course

you said yes bc duh?? he’s kun?? 

relationship

kun is the cutest bf ever!!!

nothing has really changed between you two

you still have library and car dates

but now you hold hands sometimes

and when kun is feeling extra bold, he gives you a peck on the cheek

you guys have such a cute and innocent relationship

you can often be seen together on the campus quad where you met for the first time, you in kuns arms, him tickling your stomach to make you giggle

he’s so sweet and is so considerate of your needs

out of all the boys, he’s hands down the one most likely to change for you if you guys hit a rough patch

he always pays for food

which kind of ticks you off because what if one day he goes broke

but all he really cares about is your happiness and satisfaction

and he really just wants you to know that no one loves you quite like he does

and he tells you every day how grateful he is to have you in his life

[greenteaandwishes]

what an abortion is really like

because i would have loved to know what was gonna happen when i needed mine!

for reference: i had a surgical (in clinic/aspiration) abortion, i was around 13 weeks, and i didn’t go to planned parenthood, i went to a local womens health center in boulder.

i called the clinic on a thursday, they said they only schedule abortions on fridays and since i wasnt sure how far along i was they’d recommend i get there the next day if at all possible. i scheduled the appointment for that friday, asked how much it would cost and was met with a set price of $600. i asked if there was any way to set up a pyment plan, and they said yep! they also transferred me to their financial aid advisor and my total cost ended up being $500, of which i paid $300 upfront and am payingthe rest $50 weekly.

i got there and checked in, everyone was very welcoming and kind. they had me fill out some paperwork, mostly just typical medical care stuff like insurance, emergency contact, etc. there was a paper with specific abortion related questions like are you comfortable with your decision and who has been your biggest supporter through this, stuff like that. everyone also made sure to ask what my preferred pronouns were, which was really nice because i’m very feminine presenting and i sometimes prefer they/them as opposed to she/her. i went to use the restroom and there was a sign that said that they need a urine sample, so if i havent given that i should wait for the doctors.

i waited for about 10 minutes and then the nurse came out to get me. i went in, they took a urine sample and my vitals and then said that i was good to go ahead and strip from the waist down and the doctor will be in shortly. i asked if i could keep my socks on (i wore my lucky socks lmao). she said yes. anyway, i undressed and the doctor came in, asked how i was feeling and what type of abortion i would be having. i said i was nervous and probably surgical because i think im too far along for a medication. she did a quick pelvic exam and an ultrasound (but not on my belly, it was an ultrasound that went up my vagina.) she confirmed that i was too far along for a medication abortion and that i’d need a surgical one, and that my next step was to go up to counseling.

i went up to counseling and the woman i was with was super nice. i was expecting a “this is why abortion is bad” shpiel because i know that a lot of states have laws that require counselors to tell you things like that. luckily, i didn’t get that (yay colorado!). i got a very supportive woman who answered all my questions and walked me through what was going to happen through the procedure, and just a general place to talk and vent what i’d been feeling. it lasted about an hour, and at this point i started getting kinda hungry and i asked if i was allowed to eat (because some surgeries you cant eat before.) she said that i am but i should be aware that im probably gonna feel a bit nauseous during/after the procedure.

the first step in this whole thing is taking a pill to dilate and soften my cervix, and that takes about 2 hours to fully work, so i took that first. i also was given some anti nausea meds, advil and anti anxiety medicine. my doctors were very kind and asked me what i wanted and felt like i needed, explained to me that i could take two anti anxiety meds or just one, and explained that i had the option to take a narcotic painkiller as well. at first i decided to just take advil and one anti anxiety, but about an hour later i was feeling very anxious and a little in pain, so i took the second anti anxiety and a narcotic (i was skeptical about the narcotic but i talked with the doctors quite a lot about side effects and addiction, before ultimately deciding to take it.) i couldn’t have taken the narcotic if i were to be driving myself home. last but not least, they did a finger poke to check if i was rh negative or positive, because if i was negative i would’ve needed another pill.

after that super mega pill cocktail, i got called back to a room much like the first one with the ultrasound. i undressed and tried to mentally prepare myself. there were three people in the room besides me: my doctor, her assistant, and a trained support person. doctor and assistant were down by my vagina, while the support person was holding my hand and talking me through it. i felt the doctor put a numbing shot in my cervix and then i just felt a lot of pressure and cramps. i had my hand resting on my belly and i could feel my uterus cramping. i started crying, it wasn’t painful exactly, just weird and overwhelming. i squeezed my suppirt persons hand and apologized for crying, all while she was just talking to me and saying its okay and all that stuff. it was over in about 10 minutes. the doctor and assistant left right after that, but my support person stayed. i know it was so that if i fainted or something, i wouldnt be alone, but it was honestly really comforting having her there with me. i lay down for about 5 more minutes before i felt okay to sit up and put on my pants. me and the support person chatted for a bit. i dont really remember what we talked about.

after i put on my pants my support person led me to a room with recliners and crackers and water and books. there were two other women in there, who met me with a heating pad and a heated blanket. i rested there for about half an hour, drinking water and eating saltines, and reading this book full of other people’s experiences with abortion. i felt so cared for and seen, it was amazing. they had me give one last urine sample and then led me around the back (handicap exit, so no stairs) where my boyfriend was waiting in his car. i think they told him to go wait out there once i was in the recovery room, because that way when i was ready to leave i could.

i got in the car and drove home with my love. we stopped at walgreens to get some pads, because the doctors said i couldnt put anything in my vagina for at least a week, but that i was going to be bleeding a bit. since i use a menstrual cup, i didnt have normal pads at home. i cried a little bit in walgreens, thats around when the pain meds wore off. when i got home i took another advil and laid down with a heating pad and netflix, and eventually i fell asleep.

its about a week after my abortion now, my cramps have gone away entirely. they were bad for the first few days though. im almost done bleeding. i’m no longer experiencing nausea or fatigue or sore boobs. my hormones have been a little crazy, i keep going from very calm and chill to just downright cranky. i can call the clinic back any time for support, and to schedule a follow up appointment if i feel i need one. all in all, it was a very peaceful experience. not once did i feel judged or ashamed at my choice. everyone at the clinic was ridiculously kind and caring. im very grateful i had the experience i had.

feel free to reblog or message me with any questions!

[disarmingly]

for kofi anon who wanted slice of life yoonkook with a hint of magic except there’s more than a hint im sorry i hope this is okay let me know if it isnt i will try again! please note that the very first section takes place in ‘present day’ for them while everything after that first section is their past leading up to that present. <3

*

jeon jungkook is your average good looking sort of introverted loves music is good at video games and dancing and singing and pretty much anything else he tries...young man. except for one thing.

"one thing," his boyfriend half scoffs half whines, snuggling himself closer to jungkook's side like a petulant cat that despite being smaller in stature manages to take up more space. jungkook says it's the shoulders. namjoon says it's yoongi's ~personality~. they are both probably right. anyway we weren't talking about yoongi. we were talking about jungkook and how he's your average fresh university grad who can walk on his hands and do backflips and draw and paint and make anyone who looks at him too long fall in love with him and-- --yeah. "one thing~," yoongi repeats with a groan and presses his face to jungkook's shoulder. bites him absently for good measure. jungkook yelps. * jungkook's magic manifested when he turned sixteen. "like a fucking disney princess," yoongi scowled the first time It happened. 'It' was a boy who had never met jungkook before, meeting his eyes in the supermarket and going five different shades from red to pink before stumbling over to him and babbling something along the lines of 'you're so beautiful oh my god'. yoongi, there at the time, stood to his full shorter height and stood slightly in front of a baffled jungkook, tilted his head at the blushing boy and said, "you're not wrong, but he's taken." the stranger apologized several times and walked away but both yoongi and jungkook were definitively aware of his eyes on jungkook their whole way through the checkout and out the automatic doors. "what the hell was that?" yoongi's hypothetical question would get its answer in the days and nights to follow as one by one jungkook felled multitudes of strangers and some not-strangers (much more awkward) -- not with a sword but with his....well...whole self. * some people's magic comes out at birth. some require a certain age. some are catalyzed by an event or even a special word. yoongi wishes jungkook could have been one of the minority of people in the world who didn't have magic at all. or that his magic could be something useful, like a magically present umbrella whenever he needed it. but no. jungkook's magic is exactly the kind of magic an average golden boy like jungkook would have: love. * "but it doesn't last," jungkook points out, shelving a book 'about soulmates and inevitable doom' where it actually belongs (certainly not with the gardening books, though jungkook was amused to find it there.) in addition to being temporary, if it's happened once, it doesn't happen again, so at least there's that.  but yoongi, crouched low and properly ordering the books on the bottom shelf makes a clicking noise with his tongue to show exactly what he thinks and feels about that. jungkook sighs. "what do you want me to do? never leave the house again? i have to go to school--" "of course not!" yoongi's voice is louder than either of them expect it to come out. they get appropriately shushed. jungkook's ears turn red and yoongi feels immediate guilt for embarrassing him but he has a point to make. he continues, more quietly, "...that's...that’s not what i want." for a while they just keep silently setting this particular bookshelf's contents to rights. students file out. a few teachers leave. goodbyes and groans of 'see you tomorrow' get passed back and forth. at some point yoongi shuffles his way closer to jungkook, close enough to lean against his leg the way cats press along a person's shins when they want to say 'pet me human'. jungkook does in fact run his fingers through yoongi's dark dark hair, wishes yoongi wasn't quite so low to the ground so he could run them down to brush back and forth against his undercut; but later. there's something almost as therapeutic about petting as being petted. maybe that's just them. that's fine. when yoongi takes jungkook's wrist, it's just to tug his hand forward and kiss the palm, kiss his wrist, nose against his pulse and say, "i don't want you under house arrest. i want to take you to the movies. i want to go to the fair with you so you can win me stuff i don't need. i want to sit on the beach with you and everyone and toast marshmallows and....and all of the stuff we do. i want to walk to school with you. even if i'm not going here soon anymore." the last one hits hard. they haven't really talked about it. how yoongi going to university and jungkook still in high school will put a steep cut into their time...doing anything, house arrest or no. yoongi kisses his hand again. jungkook lowers himself so they can be closer. "that's very romantic," he says and he smiles too wide, so wide it hurts, smiles against the crying feeling. they're not breaking up. he shouldn't feel so sad. that's what he's been telling himself. but maybe yoongi understands. because yoongi says, "hey...hey come on." yoongi's arms fit around jungkook perfect. yoongi's mouth to jungkook's mouth also fits perfect. and yoongi's low toned reassurances of, "it's okay. it's okay," fit perfect enough. because it's more complicated than that, but sometimes perfect enough is about wanting to do the right thing even if one doesn't know precisely what that is. right now yoongi wants to let jungkook know he loves him. so he tells him it's okay. and he means all of it: the change of time and distance, jungkook's sometimes infuriating magic, and so on. it's okay. * what jungkook said is true. the effects of his magic which he can't control unless he never meets anyone's eyes ever again (impossible), vary in time. for some people predisposed to loving him already, the effects last longer. for absolute strangers, it seems the effects last anywhere from 24 hours to a week, the latter end of which is harrowing when it's someone who goes to school with him or lives in his neighborhood. but one of the things yoongi dislikes most about going to university is all the time away from jungkook in which god knows how many people are falling in love with him. the harmless ones are negligible he supposes; but some get pushy. he remembers several instances of people following jungkook home, waiting outside his window, and even ambushing him in empty classrooms. and it's not that jungkook can't take care of himself. jungkook is a soft heart but he knows how to defend himself and yoongi and the others have worked very hard to help him realize he's worth defending. still. yoongi's phone buzzes. he frowns and pulls to the side of the rode. dropping his feet to the ground with some difficulty. stupid namjoon and his stupid long legs; yoongi apparently didn't adjust the seat of the borrowed bicycle enough. whatever. he gets his phone out and his eyes widen. he sends a quick reply then bikes the rest of the way to the local high school so fast and so not within the standard cycling laws that no less than fifteen cars blare their horns at him en route. * he drops the bicycle in a hurry to get to jungkook who's seated on the curb with his head to his knees to avoid further incidents. it speaks volumes how tired he must be because he doesn't move and this scares yoongi more than almost anything, so when he lays a careful hand on jungkook's shoulder and jungkook jerks under his touch, he's honestly relieved, though he doesn't want to upset him. jungkook's eyes have dilated to be lamp-like. yoongi does the first thing that comes to his muscle memory and drops a kiss to jungkook's forehead. then he leans back and studies him. he has a split lip already swollen and starting to bruise at the right corner. right cheek too. there's a shallow bleeding scrape along his jaw too, smudged with gravel and dirt and yoongi's emotions can't settle on furious or devastated so he's both. he wants to frame jungkook's face but doesn't want to aggravate his bruises; and anyway he knows full well they should clean him up first, probably grab some antiseptic, some bandaids, an ice pack. jungkook sighs. "hey," yoongi settles for curling his hand on one of jungkook's knees. jungkook cracks half a smile. it looks like it hurts. "it's a little like a curse isn't it," jungkook says and he means it to come across as a joke but it falls flat because it's sort of true. "kook--" "i've never had it happen like that." jungkook interrupts and it's quiet. still pool quiet. yoongi aches. listens -- not just for jungkook's words but equally to his silence. cars pass. a little girl and her mother and a giant golden retriever start to pass by but not before the golden catches jungkook's tired eyes and pulls them over to him. he licks at jungkook's face and the mother is apologizing profusely but jungkook is giggling and then laughing and so yoongi fills in for him, "it's fine. this happens a lot." "dogs like him huh?" the mother says, clearly relieved and also bemused now. the little girl is curiously watching while petting the dog's fur the wrong way. a closer look has the mother frowning though and it's a fair question when she asks, "...are you both okay?" it's more delicate than yoongi associates with most parental strangers. he hates when people assume they know best or think they have the right to butt in just because they are 'an adult' or a parent or whatever. but she says it cautiously, like she knows it might be none of her business but is unwilling to ignore a boy with a fast blooming black eye; and that, yoongi can respect. so he says, "we will be." pauses. "thanks." the mother nods and they leave soon. jungkook watches them go, tension drawn out of him leaving him purely exhausted. yoongi had thought they would double-up on the bicycle because that's what they usually do, jungkook gleeful with the wind carding through his hair as yoongi pedals and complains that jungkook should be the one doing this; but that was before he got jungkook's text. seeing his line of vision, jungkook says, "can we...can we just walk?" yoongi kisses his temple very carefully, reaches for his hand and says, "whatever you want." * it's this near nightmare that spurs namjoon and taehyung into action. or rather, faster action. because they had been working on various experiments ('wasting' lab equipment but not really in their opinion and taehyung could charm the legs and arms off of a living person so they've gone unpenalized anyway) before. but when they all meet up next on the beach, jungkook's bruises and cuts still in the early stages of healing, it's too much. they go as far as to hide in cupboards ('how did you fit????' hoseok asks at some point, and namjoon just grimaces and says 'i fit okay') so they can stay in the school lab over night. this goes on for months and it's a bitter cold day in january when namjoon and taehyung (both slightly very too caffeinated) slam into jimin's garage (a modified hangout room complete with video game consoles, a bunch of musical instruments, a sofa, and a beanbag chair) and say, "we did it!" and then, "well, we think we did it." * magic is not science. but maybe science can be a little magic. jungkook's magic is the magic of love at first sight.  namjoon's magic is the understanding of how things work. taehyung's magic is tricks of light. the perfectly round glasses they give jungkook that day are a product of both of these things, as well as the disciplined persistence of friendship. when jungkook puts them on, yoongi melts a little and thinks: how is this supposed to help if he's cuter than ever? but it does help. jungkook tests it on the first stranger he sees the next day -- a transfer student whose eyes happen to fall on jungkook first. he blinks. then he looks away. jungkook lets go of a breath so loud the people seated next to him turn and stare. he flushes pink from cheeks to ear tips; slides down in his chair -- embarrassed...and jubilant. * "weirdly it doesn't work on animals?" jungkook half says half asks but it doesn't matter. he loves animals and if that was all his magic had an effect on he wouldn't need these glasses in the first place. "huh," namjoon says which means he's going to pursue the why of it. "which you're very happy about," yoongi says. jungkook hums affirmative. they laugh. * they're walking back from the beach -- having declined seokjin's offer to drive them, wanting to have a little more time alone before parting ways (yoongi to his shared apartment with namjoon, jungkook back to the house with his family) -- and they're holding hands when jungkook pauses so quickly it jars yoongi to a stop. he trips. jungkook keeps him from falling. "sorry." "'s okay. uh...?" yoongi squints. in the sundown light jungkook's pink hair has a lavender cast. and jungkook has his special glasses on but yoongi's as deep in love as ever. that's not magic though. it's just how yoongi feels. it's this and other sappy thoughts he's having when jungkook angles his head down until their foreheads touch, brushes his nose against yoongi's nose and says, "no one's around." oh. yoongi's relaxed look goes narrow again but he's no good at denying jeon jungkook anything. he sighs. "fine." * yoongi's magic, though it rarely comes into play because it's too flashy and yoongi by nature isn't a flashy person, is also special. * an interesting thing about human beings: they rarely look up. but if they did on this particular night, they might see this: two boys holding hands and kissing against the pink lilac blue of twilight, the emerging moon as their backdrop, some 1800 feet up in the air. *

[autumnlunasmom]

This is my babygirl.  MY BABYGIRL.

I can’t believe I’m a mommy. I never knew a love like this and I’m so happy that I get to experience it. I feel its cliche but I’ve actually always been a closet writer and I really wanted to blog about this experience. So I have officially decided that I will be blogging about it. (BOOM ITS HAPPENING)

40 weeks and 6 days. I finally felt small contractions.

I want to start with LABOR. I was only 2cm when I went to the hospital, but they kept me. I walked a lot, within 15 minutes I was 3cm! Things seemed to be happening quickly. 4cm came an hour later and thennnn my water broke. At 4:30pm. I got an epidural immediately after because I thought I was dying lol, even though my daughter's father said I was doing really well and handled them like a BEAST I still thought I was dying and honestly I love when he pumps me up. Anyways, I got the epidural and that wasn't too enjoyable because my contractions were 4 minutes apart so every time the anesthesiologist was ready to prick me I was having a contraction so it was very hard for me to relax long enough to completely not move to get it done. (Yes I am experiencing back pain from my epidural and that will be a seperate post.) So finally I got the epidural done and felt 100000000% better. They told me my labor would significalntly slow down and that I should expect having her about 4/5am. So I had a lot of vistors around this time and before you knew it the clock struck 9:30pm, I told the nurse I felt pressure and she checked me and said “Oh your 10cm dilated and ready to push. I had NO TIME to kick people out of my room and honestly I wasnt focused on that. (Ausar wasnt even in the room but thats also going to be another post lol ) Everything was happening so fast I had no time to think so all I was doing (as they were caling my doctor) was pushing for comfort. Ausar got to the room, I instantly felt better, and now we were waiting for my doctor. 20 minutes felt like forever. He got there, I did 6 insane pushes and my little MOON BABY popped out. (You guys her head?? Alien vs Predator lmao my poor baby was in my birth canal too long. But we fixed it. She’s good now. lmao) Her name is Autumn-Luna. She came out at 10:14pm. 7 Pounds 3 Oz. 18.5 Inches. PERFECT. Once you have a baby you’re in love and theres no going back and everything about them is perfect. Even her little alien head was perfect lol. 

I tore, it was small. 3 stitches. The pushing wasnt as bad as i thought it was going to be, and I survived so thats all that matters. If you guys knew the anxiety I went through just THINKING about Labor you’d probably laugh at me, I was legit scared. Meanwhile, it was definetly an experience and im very happy I went through it.

SOOOOOO welcome to my mommmy blog and hopefully I keep up with it because I want to share my adventures for other mommys or soon to be mommy’s but also for myself because I just want these memories to be as fresh as possible forever. Thanks for reading.

-Bri Bri.

[guster-animations]

now im back, got some things i wanna say

i had one triple hell of a road trip and had time to think about a lot of things over it.  so here are these things

in triple hell, i ended up spending two full days and some more with a huge trigger.  so im going to address it after the experience i had there:

MAJOR TRIGGER: //unnatural aging (especially with realistic and graphic unnatural aging)

MINOR TRIGGERS: age dilation (any age related scifi concepts, like age reversion) and anything related to the trailers for the movie “//old” (the phrases spoken in it, beaches, and swimsuits)

if you have anything related to these triggers in your post, please tag it with them!  i will have the tags for “tw //unnatural aging” and “//old” (without the //s, im just doing this to avoid crosstagging and blocking my own post) BLOCKED so if you put the phrases in your post with no trigger related content please CENSOR THEM

ANYWAY MOVING ON

i may begin a miraculous design blog!  so far ive only done designs with miraculouses but i will take requests for akumatized villains as well.  ive yet to set this blog up because im LAZY but i will in the next week.  you can request designs for FREE and i will have example artwork on there

ABOUT PRODUCTIVITY

ive been struggling with screen addiction the past month, and have managed to only create useless things that are not projects (besides 3ltr chapter 11 and the beginning of chapter 13).  im AIMING to change that but im very bad at controlling adhd and i have medication for depression instead (for SOME FUCKING REASON).  the next thing i want to finish is the soral pmv which has already taken months, despite being low effort.  after that i will TRY to start 3ltr chapter 12 and then edit tew and make an animation meme

however.  school starts soon.  whether this will make me less or more productive i have no idea but it starts in about 3 weeks and my mental health will probably plummet to bedrock level

idk what my parents were thinking, having a kid with 7 mental disorders

ANYWAY BYE

[barelynakedthoughts]

Wow, the past few days have been unreal. I last updated on Thursday in the morning soon after they had started pumping in pitocin. From 12pm, May 12th, until 5 am, May 14th, I was dealing with contractions. 41 hours of early labor and it only led to being dilated by 4cm.

I used a fitness orb, a fitness peanut, slow dancing, varying leg positions. Nothing pushed me into active labor. They kept saying to make it to 6cm and we'll be in the home stretch. The contractions got so strong throughout the day, too. I didn't want an epidural because I didn't want to do it so early. If the beginning took this long, can the ending really be that short? I wanted the baby in my arms but I knew he wasn't ready so I waited for him to give me a sign. (Note we can freely say pronouns now)

I believe at 10am on May 13th, they broke my water because I had made it to 4cm. It felt like things were moving so nicely! The doctor who came in at 6 am wa snot very comforting -made me cry. She gave me minimal answers and her visit was brief. Had I obtained the knowledge of inductions and labor that I have now, I would have been okay, but it was all so new to me and she was very curt after working her 24 hour shift. I wish she would do people favors and just not do those shifts. It would give her a better bedside manner. She basically gave me my first crying spell and I felt so desperate for four hours.

A new doctor came in soon after that. She reminded me of General Holdo from Star Wars, except I have no clue if she had purple-ish hair. Though Jackie, the nurse who talked a lot, had purple-ish hair. I could see it sticking out through her hair cap thing. Our room was always dark so I didn't really see much going on. Anyways, they broke my water and the contractions quickly turned into pain, pain and more pain. Not cramping pain, but pain nonetheless. I was on 2-30 levels of pitocin (whatever that means), and when the water broke, I was contracting every 1-2 minutes for hours on end. I breathed through all of them, dealt with the pain and kept my mind on the goal.

-----

I was thankful for the nurse we had the night before they broke my water, Shawna, because she knew how to just be there for me. When the new nurse came in after that terrible doctor visit, I wasn't all too thrilled cuz she talked a lot and overexplained things, but she at least made it very apparent that she cared. Shawna came back later in the evening, but she wasn't my nurse. She just knew that I liked her and she just wanted to help. It was a relief to have her there for a little bits she came in on.

-----

May 13th was like one last date day between Ryan and I. Besides the constant pain and regular contraction pauses, he and I just talked, hugged, watched Falcon and Winter Soldier, cried, laughed, and appreciated the other one being there. We barely got any rest. Though Ry was able to get a bit more than me, but not much. It was honestly a blurry of a day for me since I spent most of staring at focal points (the red light from the TV being turned off or Ryan's eyes or the up button for the bed or even this white piece on a red container on the baby's soon-to-be panda warmer). Im trying to write as much down as possible, but I know I'll miss a few things.

-----

As the day progressed, my energy level dropped substantially. I gave up my fitness orb life and I embraced bedrest for the first time in the pregnancy. Going to the bathroom was difficult and I was constipated. Stupid magical hemorrhoids that appeared two days before going in the hospital.

Those pesky IV issues got worse. As my pain increased, I had to deal with a 5 IVs. After the one in my elbow went off sixty thousand times, the nurse finally called the anesthesiology team to try another spot but with a deeper vein. She found it with an ultrasound, which was neat, and she had to really numb my arm to get it in there. It was the best IV, though. It really stuck in there and I only had minimal issues with the IV tower. Thank goodness because I was at my wits end at that point. Though Jackie ended up finish the IV and reconnecting my pitocin and fluid drips...she taped the IV to my hospital bracelet. So when anyone tried to scan it, I had to twist my arm painfully.

The one time, the food people came. I twisted my arm to have them read it, and they didn't even scan it....but we'll the damage was done. I had accidentally disconnected everything. The IV started gushing blood like a fountain and I just sat on my fitness orb with nothing much to do but hope it stopped soon...or that someone would come in. My husband actually had to go get someone because there was blood everywhere. All the while, I was contracting every 3 minutes at that point. So a fountain of blood just pushing out while squeezed my own legs. What a trip! The final IV sat in my arm up until May 15th...it was annoying to breastfeed with it in. I had to finish my toradol pain meds before it could come out.

-----

As the day went on, I kept contracting but nothing changed...at 10pm, they finally told us our options: more of the same or having a c-section. We were looking at a failed induction if we didn't progress to 6 cm by 5am, May 14th. At the point, it would have been 18 hours post my water being broke and the chance of infection would then steadily increase. I didn't take the news well and I cried. My night time doctor, who I had seen in the office and who is actually a midwife, was the one who broke the news. She tried to say it was natural to feel sad about this, but honestly...nothing was going to console me after here the word "failure".

Just like my sister, the pitocin failed. Before they officially said it failed, they did a pit rest (a 1-2 hour pitocin break) and then started the process at 2 levels again. We made it up to 10 levels before they called it at 430am. My cervix stopped at 4cm and there was no changing it. Though at that time, I had finally accepted the c-section. It was the right choice and it meant getting to see our baby sooner. We just needed to pray again for safety, healing and life...plus tell our families that I was having a c-section. They were wondering where we went for so long because I just cried for a while and asked that my husband not share anything until we were ready.

-----

The surgery was interesting. I wasn't really contracting anymore but I was exhausted, starving, shaking, and ready to be done. They wheeled me over without my husband so they could give me a spinal anesthetic, still no epidural. I sat there breathing in and out. Using yoga techniques to keep myself present and prepared for a flexible response. I hate the idea of needles going into my spine. I don't care about needles...it's the whole losing movement permanently issue. I need to be able to move and fidget to breathe calmly and react appropriately.

After they were finished, they slowly lowered me back. My legs went numbs and I started to shake uncontrollably. My teeth started chattering. It was if I was extremely cold so they put 3-4 warm blankets on me. I can't remember how many but I do know there were 5 total on me when all was said and done. They splayed my arms out like I was being crucified and I made sure not to move them beyond the shaking. I have no clue how long the procedure lasted but it was light outside when they were done. I believe it was less than an hour, but I honestly don't know. Time had become irrelevant yet so necessary by then. Time still hasn't recovered and it's been almost 3 weeks. (Note: I've been writing this on and off since the hospital stay.)

C-sections are weird. You're awake for the whole procedure and you can feel everything happening to you - the incision, the hands rooting around your insides for the baby, the baby coming out with their arms and legs hitting the sides of your open stomach as they leave, the uterus flopping around. There's just no pain involved.

When my baby came out, he didn't cry much, but when I heard his first squeal, my husband and I cried, too. He was finally here. Our baby boy was alive and well. A 7lb 5oz baby measuring at 20 inches even though he was a few weeks early. He was fully grown and ready to be with us. They measured him, cleaned him a little and got all his vitals while the doctors finished up with my stomach. They gave him to my husband to hold and I got to slightly touch the baby. I cried the whole time because of how happy I was. It was the most fulfilling moment and it was just the beginning of my son's life.

The surgeon was the OBGYN who recommended us to the fertility clinic three years prior, almost to the date. We had come full circle. She still has a weird bedside manner, but the whole thing was surreal. She did a good job and we all made it out safely. My husband was so nervous holding our baby. It was his first time ever holding a baby. I didn't want a c-section, but I was glad when everything was over. My legs remained numb for a while - a few hours I think? In order to graduate to the mother/baby unit and to eat, I had to be able to move my toes. It was a weird feeling to be able to move my arms and not my lower body. Around my incision, I'm still a bit numb there and apparently, I could be for a long time.

We took our first picture together and I look terrible, as if I had gone through pain for 3 days straight. My husband, the always photogenic one, looked great and our son could barely be seen. At least we have this family photo - even if no one else is allowed to see it. My body was still shaking. My shoulders were starting to hurt and feeling was coming back to my lower extremities slowly. They were prescribing me motrin, tylenol and oxy. I only took tylenol because the rest seemed frivolous. Sure, I was in pain, but nothing compared to the contractions and well, I survived all of that with just a tylenol here and there for headaches.

By about noon, I was starving by this point. It had been 30ish+ hours of early labor since I had last eaten. We ordered food (with some hiccups along the way) and finally got to eat when we arrived the mother/baby unit. It was then we started our four day stay of recovering, figuring out parenting, breastfeeding, and personal survival, and being interrupted every hour by nurses, doctors, consultants, social workers and who knows who else. I had only gotten about 2-3 hours of sleep in total during the 3 days of delivery. I matched this during the first few days of parenting, too. Even when I got home, I lived on 2 hours max for about three days straight. A week+ of no sleep really did me in. I was exhausted and finally got rest when I slept through a few alarms. Thankfully my husband took over that night because I needed it.

While in the mother/baby unit, our son had dropped about 10% of his birthweight. He was dehydrated and having a tough time pooping because of the weight loss. It was getting much milk because my nipples wouldn't stay erect while he was eating. Plus he kept falling asleep and it was hard to keep him demeanor.

A lactation consultant visited 6 times. I didn't like the first one, but then we lucked out with Renee for the rest of the visits. She was understanding and she didn't pressure us to breastfeed her way. She thought of different ways to encourage us and give solutions, such as a nipple shield or supplementing formula. Renee revealed that her oldest went through this as well and that it doesn't help when the hospital staff tells you how to do everything their way without listening to your needs. I commend her for her absolutely genuine care and reassuring assistance.

A few nurses were stellar (not Shawna awesome, but still great to have). Katie gave us our first few hours of rest. It also hurt his weight cuz I was delayed on the feedings, but she gave us swaddlers, extra blankets, shirts, etc. She also made sure to talk to us like we were humans and not patients who were leaving in a few days. Kristie was the first one to see me cry and she knew exactly what to do. She brought us the right sized nipple shield and flanges. She brought us a ton of formula. She helped ease my feelings of hopelessness transition into a sense of pointed purpose. The other nurses - Salimah, Anna, Natalie and a few others in the mother/baby unit were the best parts of the stay. Even if they all provided varying levels of care.

The doctors were too quick with their check-ins and I didn't really enjoy their presence. They had the best intentions but we felt like a mark on their checklist. I assume they have too much to do in one day.

The room was small for a three person family but large enough for everything we needed to do while there. Our baby had a little plastic tube of a bassinet with two drawers of storage. My husband had to sleep on the most uncomfortable couch out of the three he ventured on. I believe it was this one that he caught an ear infection from because he didn't use the bed setting. He used the regular couch setup because the bedding was slanting.

The bathroom was pretty big, though. I put many mesh underwear and large pads on in there. It's where a nurses used a perineal bottle on me and showed me how to use it. It's where I took my first post-surgery shower and found out my stomach was numb still. I liked our original room with the induction unit best because of the couch for my husband, and I loved the huge size of the labor/delivery room. The bathroom for the mother/baby unit was best. It was right next to my bed during a time when it was hard to walk. Plus it served as a dish washing site and a great place to rest from all the noises in a hospital.

I had a catheter in from the c-section and by the time they took it out, I was very hydrated. Peeing clear impressed the nurses who took it out - I guess it's the little odd things that make the day better.

My husband and I fought multiple times in the hospital and since coming home. We're exhausted. We don't fight often, but when we do, it is normally because one of us is tired...and well, we're always tired right now.

-----

It's now 6 weeks post delivery and our little guy is doing well. He's a tad under the weather (doctors says a cold), but otherwise he is 11 pounds and 22 inches long. He grows pretty fast so he may be heavier by now.

These last few weeks have been very tough and I've gone through a lot of emotions. It's a lot of work and we asked for it. We really wanted a child and now we're finding out how hard it is to raise one. Yet would I trade my son for anything? No. This shows how bad we wanted a child and also how much we are still willing to sacrifice in order to hold him for many more years. The birthing experience was not what I wanted, but he came home. That's all I prayed for...and it's exactly what we got. I can only be thankful to God for his life right now. My heart feels warm.

-----

This post took six weeks to write because I don't have much time anymore. Most of it was done while in the hospital, but some parts had to be completed or filled in afterwards. It barely covers everything that happened during our 6-day stay. It was a long and arduous time, and now we are met we an harder time of caretaking. Parenthood is so glamorized and I'm here to tell you how much it shouldn't be. The afterglow is wonderful and the heart fuzziness is neverending. No, seriously. I feel joy even when my son is crying and I don't know what to do to help. Yet, we paint pictures of cuddling babies and doing fun activities, but it's a lot more than that. Make sure you want a baby before having one. It's a lot of work to get to the time where they can take care of themselves alongside you. It's years of waiting for them to grow old enough to just pee on their on own. It's many days wondering if you're doing okay as a guardian. You just hope they survive your mistakes and your novice-abilities of taking care of a human life. As rewarding as it may be, you are forever changed. For at least the beginning parts, you will not have much time to do anything for yourselves besides eat and sleep, which is still something you lose and have to reteach yourself and your baby how to do at the same time.

I'm not complaining, just not being dishonest. I'd rather be open about my struggles than to sink in self-negligence. Sure, I probably have postpartum depression in a mild sense, but I am actively working to go beyond it. It's been tough to not have much time for myself, but I can't give up. I have to do this for my baby and for my husband. I have to keep going for myself, too. I owe it to me.

[critgemhero]

All evidence that proves Shiro is a sleeper agent, and also a robot

OK EVERYONE I have some incredibly hard evidence regarding Shiro and his... “escape”. 

I think that this version of Shiro really thinks he is the real Shiro, but this is far from the truth.

His escape was all part of the plan. A plan to make sure he really believes that he is the real Shiro, and will behave like him as well. Every single part of it was set up so that the Galra and trick and track Voltron. That includes those 2 rebels. They were in on it. Read more below, it’s gonna be long.

Part 1: Where he wakes up, and how he escapes.

Shiro is LITERALLY on an experimentation table. That is not a good sign. He’s not being held captive for answers, he was being experimented on for probably months. But WHY? To find a way for Zarkon to get the Black Lion? Maybe, but how would the Galra have anyway of knowing that connection, the one that Zarkon and he share. I dont think that is it, it is much more sinister and mental.

Now think about WHERE he wakes up. It's the exact same place, or very similar, to where he was first captured at the start. This was intentional. These places are giving him flashbacks to these “memories”. If the plan was failing, or not ready yet, He may not have experienced those flashbacks, and they could have (or... HAVE) tried again to make a better Shiro.

Either way, he escapes. Not only that but while injured and with ease. And you know what? Its no wonder it was easy for him... they were PROGRAMMED ROBOTS TOO!!

Did you hear the noises that they made? Beeps and boops. when shooting and when killed. Listen to how this “guy” sounds when he’s punched square in the face. I wouldnt be surprised if those robots were failed earlier attempts at Shiro

These bots were set up so that no Galra were hurt or lost, but Shiro was disoriented or not knowledgeable enough to see they were fakes barely even trying. 

He is MEANT to escape this, meant to feel like he is in control but his life in danger. I mean... why was he even left alone without any CHAINS??

Part 2: Operation Kuron

Honestly for me, this is the most obvious one. He shouldn't be happy about this at all. What is this operation? He’s not saying the operation is failing, its UNDERWAY. This is never brought up again, and we are going to get those answers in S4. 

What is Operation Kuron? Well clearly its the process of testing out the Shiro Robots. Because he literally flashes back to it

He is a Subject of multiple numbers. Now why would that be? Do Galra really experiment that often? I mean they COULD, but they said this was specifically for Kuron. And when they are testing his response.... what do you hear? Robot noises when his pupil is dilating. What else is there to say.

PART 3: The fake rebels

Ok, so I know this one may be hard to swallow, but there's a shocking amount of layers to how these 2 were written to prove this.

When they first interrogate him, Shiro comes to the conclusion that they are rebel fighters. It was, well it made sense, but how odd that it lingered for that long. We assumed they already were based on their position on the planet and species, but the show clearly points that out to us. This is to make us completely unsuspicious

Next, let's see how they reacted to “The Blade of Malmora” 

How on EARTH would they know what that is?? If they claim not to understand Voltron, they would definitely not be aware of their new affiliates that were once a top secret organization. 

So this whole capture thing is a ruse to test Shiro’s knowledge of the Lion, his paladins, EVERYTHING he knows. Shiro has to explain all of the details in order for him to try and convince them. This is all but a test to see if he remembers properly, if his memory banks make sense and are accurate.

Then there is the fake “Intercept Voltron” message. The man who made that transmission was CLEARLY the same voice as this guy. Shiro was meant to hear that and try to find a way there. 

As for Shiro’s second escape? They probably knew that was coming as well. I mean, they might not have, but even so if anything went wrong I'm sure they have the button to pull the plug on him any second.

Then I think they fight over the gun on purpose. 

Remember, this guy was skilled enough to kill that giant crab thing no problem, but NOW?? He’s acting like a buffoon. This part is planned to give Shiro the opening.

Also, I'm taking note of how ODD it is the show keeps focusing on his leg injury. At one point it even lingered on it for over 2 seconds, it was ODD. Is this to reinforce to us and him that he feels pain? That his leg is meant to be “real” flesh?

Anyway, the final test was to reassure them he is on their side, by not hurting or killing them and affirming his allegiance to Voltron. I KNEW something was weird when they just.... SUDDENLY believed him? I know he didn't shoot them, but they really didn't seem to care and wanted to “eat” him remember? It happened to fast for me, because that's what they were supposed to do. Help him on to the ship.

And then there is THIS BEAUTIFUL EXCHANGE

um yeah... WHAT? At first I took this as he’s been hit in the face with his friends gun a bunch. But... why? Over arguments? I guess that's possible, but that's not it. Shiro said HE was sorry for hitting him in the face with his gun. Other Shiro’s probably did similar things, and this guy has gotten used to it. He probably doesn't even believe he’ll be a successful Shiro, since he said it won't be the last.

Oh and ummm. also this

yeah, what? He volunteered? for what exactly?? I thought you were a rebel stuck on this planet... He is not very good at his job is he. also 5 years??? I know Shiro gets back sooner than that, so it makes you wonder how often these robot things have been going on with everyone. Either that, or this is their first day, and the contract was to do this experiment for 5 years? either way, it was a weird thing to say. 

The last we see this two is the moment I knew something was finally up. At first, I took it as a stupid mistake on the writers part, but now it means so much more. And it's this final line.

Why on EARTH would the skinny guy be shocked by this? Why would the other dude ASK this? They have been on this planet for how long? Seemingly stuck?? There is NO WAY this would make sense. You know why? Because this is the first time a Shiro actually succeeded in leaving, and this was them realizing that their job was done and that the Galra didn't give them a ship to get away themselves. 

Not to mention the skinny guy... KNOWS all this stuff about the Galra ship defenses. That's because he is reading off what he was given by the Galra, and how the plan is supposed to go down.

We’re done with these 2 idiots, now to the next part.

Part 4: Back on the ship, seeing Voltron and the 1 week in space.

When he attacks the first guy, we see it’s clearly a robot again. When they arrive, the announcer’s voice is, AGAIN, similar to the guy who said the operation was underway.

Anyway, so they abort the launch. I think this is because it was another way to make sure it was SHIRO who was after Voltron, not any other ships caught up in the mix. Keep an easy eye on their test subject you know?

Ok, so now we are at a point where... I dont really have much to say here. He sees Voltron and goes after it. Im not sure what the Garla’s plan here was honestly. I guess they are still tracking him as a robot, but how did they know he would find Voltron? My best guess is that at a certain point, they would have him set off a signal that would.. REACH the black lion somehow?? Which is odd, because Black won't respond to him as the leader anymore.

If im completely honest here... this part sets back my theory a bit. Im sure there are explanations tho. 

I can bring us back to the 2 fake rebels again tho at the very end of Episode 5, because what is the joke supposed to BE exactly?

Why are they randomly happy over noodles? They have no way of knowing what happened to Shiro... oh wait, yes they do. They know that was their last day because the mission of getting Shiro to team Voltron was a success. this was a “job well done” kind of dinner indeed

Part 5: The return. 

Where do I even BEGIN to say how OFF Episode 6 felt?? The reunion scene... it's not as happy or relieving as it should be. At first, I thought it was him dealing with trauma, but it feels... a bit different from that. His eyes don’t even look the same anymore.

And then we have the BIGGEST piece of evidence of “WTF IS GOING ON” and that is of course... SHIRO’S HAIR

LIKE WHAT IS THIS MONSTROSITY. No but in all seriousness.. why didn't he shave the sides of his head?? Ok ok jokes aside. Did you see how... horribly stilted and lifeless the delivery of his first line here is?? It's almost... robotic. That's because it is.

Then of course there is this. Not much else to add to that.

And then another big WTF Moment. The Black Lion won’t respond to him.

Im sorry, but I call HUGE BULLSHIT on that. I KNOW Black picked a new partner, but if Keith was able to quickly take over for Shiro while he was in Trouble, im POSITIVE the man who formed an SUPER strong bond with it in the Space Mall episode can at least start to fly it a few months after being gone. This is where I really knew something was wrong, for sure.

I wont lie in saying that the rest of the episode he did act like the real Shiro, but remember, he was programmed to from probably the original Shiro. It has to be DECENT at being convincing. And its working.

I don't have much else, that's pretty much it. I know this is in crazy detail but I really think we are on to something here. I was FURIOUS that they brought back Shiro so soon, and how it would ruin team development and character dynamic... but that's the point, isn't it. To think everything will go back to normal, but in reality tear the team apart for the gain of the Galra. Its both sinister in the world of the show itself, and to its audience.

We want Shiro back safe and sound, and we were fooled just like team Voltron. For all we know, Shiro is dead. The biggest proof of that? ... What was the point of making Voltron regroup itself entirely to last for only a couple episodes?

No, this new team dynamic will stay, and Shiro’s missing story is long from over. 

[irastayshome]

Ibrahim's birth

Ibrahim arrived in this world on 21st January 2017. Back then, we were lucky to afford a doula because I was hella nervous about the whole birthing process and tbh my head wasnt in the game because of all the stress at work. After the 'hard part' was over, and as I held my son, I vividly remember my doula saying that the easy part was over and the hard part of being a parent has just begun. I thought it was a joke at the time because, well, what could be harder than pushing a 3 kg baby out of your vagina? 2 yrs and 6mths on, I have mentally kicked myself in the head for taking my doula's words lightly. These days, I consider it a win when I do not raise my voice or completely lose my sh** and raise my hands at my son. I keep needing reminders of what it took to get him into this world and the many moments we failed him along the way so that I do not be complacent and mistreat him.

So I thought I might write his birth story down after all. Didn't really wanna remember all the details of something that feels rather insignificant now, but some days at home are just rough and a good reminder is useful.

*

19 January 2017. I had been on maternity leave for a week, but only just completed my case transfers from home. My mamamia had been insisting that I sleep over her place once a week for the last trimester on Hasyali's night shifts. I didnt mind at all, because my r/s with my parents have improved significantly after moving out. Distance is truly necessary sometimes.

It finally dawned upon me that I was due in a week. Being last minute as I always am, I tried to 'catch up' on the squats that my doula/birth educator had been reminding us to do at 9 pm. But really, i was just doing it for fun cause like it would make any difference at 39 weeks, esp since ive been treating my body like crap while handing over my work the last few weeks. Planned to youtube more exercises to speed up labour etc etc but fell into the rabbit hole of "natural birth positions" and "painfree birth vlogs" and before I knew it, I was hooked on the Midwives yt tv series till i fell asleep at 5 am. Damn youtube.

20th January 2017. 7 am. Felt like I ate something so bad and had to do a big one. And so I did, groggily, and went back to sleep. Feeling so smug that I could finally sleep in on a weekday. 9 am. What is going on with my bowels??? Tried to recall what I ate last night, but dont care just sleep after the business. 10.30 am. Sat up and mentally admitted that those horrid pains at the bottom of my tummy could actually be contractions! Trying to keep cool, I ate breakfast quickly, trying to mask my ronyok face each time the tightenings came by because nyayi was there and I just did not wanna tell my family. pretty sure they would have shipped me off to the hospital immediately.

Took cab back at 12.30pm and smsed hubs about the contractions, saying it could potentially be the real thing. But not sure, so I timed them in the cab. 10 mins apart. regular. oh crap its happening. Got home, discovered the bloody show. So yup i got my confirmation. Smsed hubs a photo of it but told him to just take it easy, go solat Jumaat and just slowly pack his bag aftee. He just got off his night shift so he probably hasnt slept at all. Told doula Kak Hajjar about whats going on, and was advised to just relax and walk2 until i cant talk anymore from the pain. Hubs came back, and i took off on a birth walk alone around the estate. Every few mins, I just stopped and breathed deeply, sorely regretting not pestering my hubs to come along bcoz adoi sakit and nothing to squeeze or hold on to. and in the 3 pm sun no less.

Came back, started panicking when i realised hubs belum pack!! what is it with men and last minute packing?? feeling annoyyed bcoz im about to do some serious work but he cant even get started on packing. but ok takpe, got in the shower to cool down and to relieve the pain while he packed. Contractions were now 4 mins apart, but I could still talk. NUH told me to come in now. Doula told me to wait till i cant talk. The kancong me decided to go anyway, worried about the rush hour jam on the start of a weekend.

Arrived at NUH at 6 pm, realising that id skipped lunch. I was hungry, and oh no so damn sleepy bcoz i barely slept the night before! Damn youtube. Ate mr bean pancake with hubs. Met doula who told.me i dont look like its time bcoz i could talk and joke about. I admit i secretly thought that it was because i had a high tolerance for pain hahahaha joke. Entered the delivery ward at 7 pm, was 4 cm dilated. Yay! but wait what, all that pain and only 4 cm? oh no.

So began the longest night of my life. Doulla massaged my back and did hip squeezes through contractions, and I occasionally swayed while standing with hubs. These two were just incredible birth partners. My labour pains were rough at the front, but damn the back labour pains were friggin insane! Felt like maybe I had tentacles trying to burst out of my spine and turn into Doc Ock.

At some point, i remember just saying random supplications and feeling so regretful that i had not rehearsed what selawats I wanted to read in those moments bcoz my head was really jammed up trying to manage the pain. By 3 am my body felt like it had gone through a marathon and i really did fall asleep between contractions out of sheer exhaustion. It was exhausting to just tahan the pain.

By 4 ish am (hazy on the details by now), a VE confirmed I was 9 cm dilated. At this point I was already vomitting and my head hurt so much from tahaning the pain. I remembered thinking, or maybe even saying out loud, that I wanted them to cut the baby out. Im pretty sure I was transitioning at that point but I didnt know bcoz my mind was too panicky. They told me the head was still too high to push, so they offered to burst my waterbag, but said theres no assurance it would bring the head down but wld certainly intensify the contractions. I was pretty sure I would pass out if they intensified, out of exhaustion. and never mind that I was barely able to wake up btwn contractions due to my flu and fever (yes ARGH hate flu during labour). So I refused and waited for news that im fully dilated.

6 am. Still at 9 cm. My head was thinking "how long did Kak Hajjar say transitions lasted again?? takkan lama gini??" This time, my mental strength just gave way. I screamed for an epidural. I remember feeling so terrified that my baby would be stuck while im pushing, because I had zero energy left. Fatigued from the pain and the fever, I pleaded for an epidural again n again. I rmbr my doula, my husband, the nurses all giving me such kind words of support, saying ive gone si far and am at the last lap, and encouraged me to stick to my birth plan of going without medication. But I was too defeated by exhaustion and just wanted to sleep. Hahahaha. Like i literally said "yang, i nak tido" and started to cry.

So they called in the anesthesiologist (dunno the spelling). While he prepped the long-ass needle, I felt a huge gush of warm water down there. My waters broke. At this point I could have just waited for the head to descend, but I was too tired and looking forward to a promised 2 hour rest before pushing. So I kept quiet about it. I was in tears, out of disappointment at myself for not being able to ride out the exhaustion. But my doula was so kind and reminded me that God is the best of planners, and perhaps this was the way for me to achieve a natural birth still and avoid any emergency csection if I could not push. The nurses too were angels, and kept assuring me I had tried really hard for a long time and shouldn't beat myself up. And so I slept. That was the best 2 hour sleep of my life. pretty sure I snored and drooled, in the presence of my doula. Nak kata paiseh but nah I was too tired to care, and all modesty had left the room hours ago.

8 am. Woken up by cheerful nurses who told me it was time to start pushing. I just wanted to sleep in longer, but then I remembered oh ya baby is still inside. That epidural was gooooood. So began pushing. It felt so weird pushing when I cant feel anything moving down there. They had to tell me when to push i.e. when contractions came, and kept telling me I was pushing wrong and i had to do it as how i would when pooping. I suddenly didnt know how pooping felt like anymore. Kept pushing for an hour plus, but apparently the head keeps going back in. My husb and I had affectionately named our foetus "jubjub", just to avoid calling it the baby during the pregnancy. and my doula joked that perhaps the baby keeps going back in bcoz we named him jubjub like the muppet from Hi-5 that likes to peekaboo around. haha that was a good one.

My gynae finally came in around 9.30 am ish. She told me that I had to do an episiotomy to help push the baby out. My husband stopped her and told her to let me continue trying. But eventually she kept persisting and my husband apparently could not tahan seeing me push so hard anymore (he said the veins on my face look like they were gonna burst). So he agreed. The moment she cut, I pushed and felt the head empty out of me. I thought that was weird cause I was on epidural, but apparently they reduced the dose while pushing. A few more pushes later, I heard it. Ibrahim's first cries. The nurses and my doula congratulating me. My husband telling me I did it and he was proud of me. But mainly, Ibrahim's cries. 21st January 2017, at 10.03am.

They placed him on my chest. I cried. and cried. And i thought he was the most perfect thing I could ever hold in this world.

Dearest Ibrahim, a mother can love her husband out of choice, but theres simply no choice in this love I have for you. It is so raw and intense and relentless, that Im so consumed by it from the moment I held you. There are days, now, when I feel your anger towards me because I am so hard on you, especially since im not very good at coping with the two of you. But I hope you never feel that I love you any less when I get angry. and I hope you truly forgive me when you give me a hug after I apologise each time for beating you. You deserve so much better, and i'll keep striving to be a better mother to you and adik.

Ok bye. Am gonna cry my eyes out now. Damn birth stories.