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zevlors-tail · 4 years ago

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Lonely With You

Pairing: ProHero!Izuku x GN ProHero!Reader

Warnings: Self doubt, self deprecating thoughts/words, cursing, reader is very angry in the beginning and throws something if that’s a trigger for anyone (doesn’t throw it directly at anything or anything in particular), lots of crying on reader’s part, song fic, tooth rotting fluff at the end. <3

A/N: Song fic! Sports by Beach Bunny. I said I couldn’t write shit but here we are. I just one shotted this thing in the span of like 3 hours and in 3 more hours, I have to go into work with no sleep. :’) But really it’s fine bc I had motivation and I DID THE THING. I wrote something I kind of liked! I am obsessed with this song right now, so suffer with me I guess.

The second you stormed into the house and slammed the door shut behind you, Izuku could tell something was off. Sure, you had your bad days, but somehow this was different.

“Hi, love! How was your da-” Before he could even finish, you cut him off with an angry look and a short response.

“Fucking awful. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Izuku knew better than to take your short response personally, though he would be lying if he said it didn’t irk him in the slightest. However, you didn’t curse often, and using the “F” word usually meant you were at your wits end with whatever situation you were dealing with. He watched you as you strode past the kitchen with blind rage and threw down your headpiece to your hero costume. A piece of it actually busted off from how hard you had chucked it across the room, nearly missing his eye as it flew past him and making him visibly flinch.

Upon seeing his reaction, you immediately stopped in your tracks and snapped out of your fit of anger, concern for your partner taking over you instead. “Shit-! Izu, I’m so sorry, are you alright!?” Tears welled in your eyes as you panicked and checked his face over for any collateral damage, and when you could find none, you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“I’m fine, Y/N. Are...you okay? I know you said you didn’t want to talk about it, but you look really...upset.” He struggled to find the right words for a moment. You looked upset, sure, but it was more than that. There was a foreign look in your eyes he hadn’t seen before, something heavy and dark lurking behind your usually bright orbs. His heart couldn’t help but ache for the look you gave him.

If you feel lonely, I could be lonely with you. Tell me baby, why do you seem so blue?

You broke down in tears within seconds, cries of frustration and anguish clawing their way up from your ribcage to your throat. Today had drained you for all your worth and made you feel utterly exhausted. But if you were being honest, this had been going on much longer than just a day. It just so happened that today’s events had been the last straw for you and left you feeling defeated. Months of self doubt and anxieties were finally catching up to you, and now you were paying the price.

Izuku wrapped his arms around you tightly and held your head to his chest as you hiccuped. “Shhh, it’s okay. I’ve got you.” He nuzzled his face into your hair before pressing a sweet kiss to your crown, his hand sliding to your back to rub comforting circles.

“I’m no good,” you managed between sobs. “I’m a terrible hero, and I should just quit while I’m ahead. I’ll never amount to anything useful. All I do is get in the way and cause problems for others!” You continued to cry while Izuku let you vent, although it took everything he had in him not to interject that all of those things couldn’t be further from the truth.

Why are we so complicated? Maybe love is overrated...

“I’m a failure. I failed my mission and if it wasn’t for Uravity...” You let out a strangled cry as you admitted what was weighing you down so heavily. “They almost died! They almost died, and it would have been all my fault! If I had just pushed myself harder, if I had done more, then- then- then none of this would have happened!”

“Oh, love...no.”

“I should just do everyone a favor and stop being a Pro. My manager did always say I was better as a sidekick, anyway,” you laughed bitterly at the memory, distracted only for a moment before returning to crying, albeit a little quieter. “I’m ready to give up. Everything I do is wrong... I don’t think I’m cut out for this anymore.”

I’m tired of waiting! I was never good at sports; save the games for the girls on the tennis courts.

Izuku sighed softly before cupping your face in his hands and gazing intently at you. “Y/N Y/L/N, you are not a failure. You are the light of my life and the best thing to have ever happened to me. Do you know that?”

You hesitated a minute while you sniffled and rubbed at your eyes. “Are you sure about that? Because I feel like I’m failing at everything... At being a hero, at being a friend, and at being your partner. I’ve been so stressed out lately that I’ve barely been able to pay attention to you. I’m so sorry, Izuku...” Fresh tears pooled at the corners of your eyes as your self doubt ate at you.

Say you need me, but lately you feel unsure.

“You didn’t let me finish.”

“Ah, I’m sorry-”

“Nope! No more apologizing, especially when you didn’t do anything wrong.” A small smile found it’s way to his lips as he spoke, “I’ve watched you grow from a student in the hero course with me into the wonderful person and amazing hero you are now, and I want you to know I’m proud of who you’ve become. You’ve been nothing but nice to Uraraka, Iida, and Todoroki, and you’ve done everything you can to support me and be there for me when I need you to be. You cheered me on and pushed me to do better when I felt like giving in so many times. Without you, I wouldn’t be the hero I am today.”

“That’s really flattering, but I think All Might was mostly responsible for making you the hero you are now.”

Come on to me, come on to me...I need more!

Izuku laughed a little as you smiled at your comment, though the pain remained behind your eyes still and his gaze was just as intense as before. He quickly regained composure and continued. “You’re not giving yourself enough credit, love. I was watching the live feed from home while you were on your mission, and from one hero to another, you did all you could with the hand you were dealt in that situation. You can’t place unnecessary blame on yourself for something that’s not your fault. You weren’t a hinder to them, and you didn’t cause them any further problems. I mean, unless you were the one who set the building on fire, but that’s not likely, right?” His teasing tone was meant to lighten the situation, but it seemed to have no affect against the worry and anxiety radiating from you. “Y/N.”

“Hm?” At some point you realized you had zoned out and starting daydreaming about all the possible ways the situation could have gone wrong. Izuku’s voice pulled you back to reality and away from your twisted reverie.

“I love you. It’s okay to feel upset and angry about today, about yesterday, about last month- and especially about that comment your manager made. Which, by the way, we need a new manager for you now, but that’s not the point. I want you to know that I will always be here to support and love you like you’ve supported and loved me. Your friends love you and support you also, you know. Uraraka was just asking me about you yesterday, actually...said you looked a little blue. Oh, and Todoroki wanted me to pass on a message. Something about an angry pomeranian? Are you two making fun of Kaachan again?” He gave you a pointed look.

“Well...yes and no?” You sheepishly grinned and laughed while he just rolled his eyes.

“Anyways, the point I’m trying to make is that you are worth so much more than you think. Your friends love you, I love you, and your fans also love you. You’re more than just a sidekick. You’re an amazing hero and an even better partner to me, and you are not and will never be a failure at any point in time. You did all you could to save those people, and if you hadn’t stepped in when you did, Uravity might not have been able to get to them after all. If you don’t want to be a hero anymore, then of course I’ll support you no matter what, but that’s not really what you want to do, is it?”

Deep down, you knew Izuku was right. There was no way you could step down from being a hero; you loved helping people almost as much as he did. Being a hero was just as much a part of you as your nose or your eyes or your lips. It was a second nature, something you couldn’t just give up on so easily.

“I want to help people and be a hero. I just...lately, I just don’t feel like I’m good enough.”

You sounded so sad and dejected still, and it absolutely broke his heart. Izuku silently promised himself to do everything in his power to make you believe in yourself again before racking his brain for ideas on how to further cheer you up. When you had bad days, there were certain things he did to comfort you and help you relax, but this seemed to be a bit more serious, and thus, required a more elaborate solution than the normal hot bath and back massage. Maybe...yes, that was perfect! It probably wouldn’t fix the problem long term, but it would be a good start.

“You are good enough, and I will always be here to remind you of that.” He leaned in and gave you a soft kiss. “Come on, let’s go relax in bed. I’ll even give you a ride there if you want.”

Your eyes immediately lit up as he turned around and crouched down so you could climb on to his back. As goofy as he was, you absolutely adored him. “Yes! You’re the best!” You squealed as he lifted you up with ease and locked his arms around the back of your legs to keep you nice and secure while he strode to the bedroom. Once there, he set you down on the bed before putting his plan into motion.

At the foot of your bed, you had a night sky projector that would cast the image of stars and planets onto your ceiling. Izuku had gotten it for you for your last birthday, and you loved it dearly. It made you feel content and relaxed when you were restless. Often times, you used it while you were in the bath or right before bed when you were having a rough night. It was perfect for occasions like this. Choosing the setting with the purple colored lights, Izuku powered it on and the two of you watched as your bedroom lit up all over. It was like you were really in space.

He made his way back to bed where you were currently snuggling into the giant comforter you both shared, a blissful smile on his face at the sight of you. You seemed to be feeling better already; you cuddled up to him as the little spoon as soon as he slid under the covers with you. He made sure to find a comfortable position for the both of you, and with the ambience set, there was only one last thing to do.

“If you feel broken, promise I won’t break your heart. If you shatter, I won’t let you fall apart. Why are we so complicated? Love’s a word I’ve always hated...”

You listened to him sing softly, the words falling from his lips effortlessly as he serenaded you with your favorite melody.

“I’m tired of waiting! I was never good at sports; save the games for the girls on the tennis court. Say you need me, but lately you feel unsure. Come on to me, come on to me, I need more...”

You closed your eyes and slowly drifted away from your worries as he sang. If every night could end like this, then maybe everything would be okay after all.

“It always feel like I need more... Jesus Christ, you’re so confusing! If we keep score, bet my money that I’m losing...”

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

“No, I love you more.”

You felt his laugh reverberate through his chest as he snuggled closer.

“Go to bed, Y/N.”

“Mmn...”

“If you feel lonely, I could be lonely with you... Tell me, baby, why do you seem so blue?”

#izuku x reader #izuku midoriya #izuku #midoriya #izuku midoriya x reader #midoriya x reader #bnha #mha #bhna x reader #bnha midoriya #bnha izuku #izuku x reader fluff #izuku x reader angst

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purplesurveys · 4 years ago

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1044

survey by a7xbabii

Do you use e-mail often? I use it for eight hours, five days a week for work, so yes.

Do you hear any animals right now? I’m in a Starbucks inside a mall situated in the middle of a busy highway. It would be very unlikely to hear any animals right now.

Are you in a well-lit room? Sure, I’d say this establishment has good lighting. There’s no light directly above me unlike the other seats, but it’s okay in this case as I don’t want other people seeing me take surveys.

Is your trashcan full? The main one we use at home just got full, so the last time I checked this morning my mom was airing it out.

What was the last crunchy thing you consumed? My chicken barbecue sandwich from last night.

Did you view anything disturbing today? Hmm, I guess so? I wanted to entirely redo one part of my embroidery piece since I wasn’t happy with how I did it, so I had to remove the threads and stuff. When they were all gone the template was filled with holes and it looked like one of those trypophobia photos. I’m not personally disturbed by that phenomenon, but I know a lot of people are.

Are there any holiday decorations in your house? Yeah, we’ve had our Christmas tree up since the beginning of November. We also usually put a wreath up our door but idk why my mom didn’t this year.

When was the last time you had a terrible headache? Last night, because I had not eaten all day.

Have you recently put lotion on your hands? No. I don’t like the feeling of lotion, so I don’t apply it on me a lot, if at all.

Are you hungry? Not so much, actually. I don’t feel too hungry today; I didn’t even finish my breakfast and that’s the only meal I’ve had so far today, and it’s already 4 PM.

Is it rainy where you're at right now? No, it’s quite fair. The sun’s not too strong anymore because of the time, but it’s still very much bright out.

Do you carry a purse? If so, describe what it looks like. I take a wallet with me. It’s pink, made of fake leather, has three main slots inside, and it also has some tiny bite marks on the outer edges from when Cooper was a lot younger.

Is your cell phone on vibrate? For certain notifications only, like texts and Viber.

Is your dishwasher full? We don’t use a dishwasher.

When is the last time you saw someone you like/love. Around a week and a half ago.

Do you like to wear gloves? No, I find them too itchy and I don’t need to wear them anyway.

Is there a body of water near where you live? There’s a creek that passes through my village near the clubhouse area, if that counts.

What are your thoughts on Avenged Sevenfold? No opinion. I never listened to them; though I am reminded of this one mutual I used to have on Tumblr/Twitter. She used to be a wrestling fan and was a part of our main circle, but she gradually shifted her main fandom to Avenged Sevenfold. By the time she cemented her new interest she then went on a huge unfollowing spree of wrestling fans on her feed and she apparently PM’d each person she intended to unfollow, including me. I remember her explaining that she was now in a different fandom and was gonna have to stop following me which I found...kinda extra to be honest lmao because nobody does that, but I appreciate the effort to approach each one of us, I guess.

Are you wearing anything pink right now? Nope, but my wallet is pink and so is my keyboard cover.

Do you like to swim in the ocean? I prefer beaches, but sure.

What is the creepiest bug you've ever saw? Cockroaches.

Do you currently have split ends? I don’t think so.

When is the last time you used the bathroom? Around five hours ago when I took a shower before heading out.

Do you chew on your lip? Almost never.

Are you afraid of needles? For the most part yeah, especially syringes. I’m not afraid of them when I do my embroidery, but that’s the only time I feel comfortable with a needle.

What is the last thing you lost? A pen, I think.

When is the last time you saw a bald person? Five hours ago, when I said bye to my dad.

What car were you last in? [continued from two days ago] My own. I was driving home from the mall.

Do you like Batman? I tried to get into Batman and the whole shebang of comic books when I was a teenager, but I just couldn’t.

Have you ever played tennis? Never have, actually. I’ve always wanted to try.

Can you see a star shape in the room you are in? Probably not in my bedroom.

What are you sitting on? A pillow I’ve placed on my work chair so that it’s more comfortable. My parents got me a basic chair initially meant just for my internship, so it’s not the comfiest of chairs haha. But now that I have a job, a more suitable work chair is probably one of things I’ll have to invest on.

What is the last warm thing you touched? My chest felt itchy just a few seconds ago, so I was able to feel my skin scratching it.

Do you use hand sanitizer? That’s kind of a necessity now, so...

Where do you want to go in life? [continued from...I don’t even remember anymore] I don’t know if I even plan to make it past 30 at this point. I can’t answer this right now.

Are you sweating? No, I’ve been in air-conditioned rooms all day and it feels so damn good.

When is the last time you had to scratch an itch? A few minutes ago when my neck itched.

Are you in any kind of club or group that is trying to save animals? No, but I very much support the cause.

Who is the last blonde you saw? At work today I saw someone who had her hair dyed blonde.

Where were you two hours after you got up, and what were you doing there? I needed to go to the office today because my team and I needed to pack some stuff to seed to certain media. It was the first time I got to visit the place and it was sooooooo homey and pretty :) I wish we can be allowed to work in the office soon; it would be best for my mental health at this point.

Do you wish for world peace? Um, of course.

Have you ever played fetch with a dog? We were able to teach Cooper how to pick up items that we throw but he’s still slowly learning that he actually has to give it back to us, haha.

What is the nearest object that is wood? The table I am typing on is made of wood.

Do you use Netflix? Yes, we have a family subscription.

Does your house have a fireplace? No, we don’t. And I can confidently tell you all other houses in this entire country, and probably the whole of Southeast Asia, don’t.

Do you wake yourself up in the morning, or does someone else? I wake myself up. On important days, I’ll put an alarm on.

What kind of hoodie did you last wear? It was a white hoodie with a UP seal on the left side.

Do you play games on your computer? No, my laptop isn’t equipped for games. I tried downloading Sims 4 when they made it free for a few weeks back in 2018, but my laptop’s fan started whirring like crazy and the battery got drained super fast. The entire period of me booting it up and then deleting it took like, a literal 15 minutes.

What is the last video game that you played? Mario Kart 8 on the Switch. I want to get myself Switch games as gifts, but I’m just so stingy towards myself hahaha.

Have you ever pet a stingray? I’m 50% would like to at least once and 50% I know of what it did to Steve Irwin, and I’m not messing with them.

If you were on vacation, would you ever go to Ireland? It’s not a big item on my bucket list, honestly. I’d love to go to Ireland, but it would probably be a part of a bigger itinerary, like if I decided to take a trip to that part of Europe.

Are you logged into Myspace right now? I haven’t been on there for more than a decade.

Did you have anything bad happen to you today? Yeah, but they’re stuff that happened at work that are a little hard to explain.

Have you ever been to New York? Nope. I’d love to take a trip there.

Do you use the term "lol" if you don't have anything to say? Not really. I use it in the end of my messages more so that I don’t sound mean.

Should you be sleeping right now instead of taking this survey? Hell no. It’s a Friday night so the last thing I want to be doing is sleeping.

Can you truly say you hate anyone? I don’t think so. I greatly dislike my brother, but I guess I don’t hate him. I find it too strong a word.

Have you ever disected a baby pig in a class at school? Not a piglet, no. We dissected an earthworm, a fish, and eventually a frog.

What brand of dish liquid do you use? A local brand you wouldn’t recognize.

When is the last time you ate a Hershey Kiss? It’s probably been more than a year. It’s not my favorite candy.

Do you ever feel unappreciated? Yes.

Do you currently have any blemishes on your face? No. My pimple finally went away, hallelujah.

Who is the last baby you held? My cousin who is now 13 years old. I’m too anxious to hold babies; I always feel like I’d drop them so I find myself declining even when I have the chance to hold one.

Are you a lover? I guess.

Do you use smileys often in text convos? Yes. Not a lot of people like them but it’s better to sound friendly and approachable than stoic.

Do you have the Google toolbar on your computer? Like...Chrome? I have the program, yeah. It’s my default browser as well.

Do you like Sunkist? I’ve never had it.

Would you ever consider being a cannibal? I mean...I guess only if I was in a life-and-death situation, like if a plane I was in crashed on an island and I was starting to get hungry. I certainly don’t fantasize about cannibalism on any regular day.

Did you forget something important in the past week? I made a few mistakes at work due to me forgetting things, yeah.

Do you like learning new things? Sure.

What color is your toothpaste? White.

Are the floors in your house creaky? Nopes. I don’t think our doors are creaky-level just yet as well.

Do you fear death? I hate the uncertainty of what happens while it’s taking place, and what happens after. But I’ve been wishing for it for a while as well. There’s a difference.

Is your mouth dry? Not right now, no.

Do yoou have any scars from an animal? Yeah I’ve got a few marks and scratches from Cooper. I never run out of them, really.

Did you have fun with this survey? It was okay.

Was it random enough? Sure.

#survey #surveys

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cutiecrates · 6 years ago

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Cutie Reviews: Doki Doki Sept 18

Hi guys, here’s the (possibly) long-awaited Doki Doki September review that I probably should have done earlier this past week or two... or three. It kind of got put off, plus I got a new game and a new book I was excited about, and there was a hospital-related incident and some back pains...

Anyway I don’t have much else to say right now so we’ll just get right into it!

This months theme: First Day of School

As the weather gets cooler and we return from our summer vacations, we have to get back into the swing of things. This month’s theme is “Shin-gakki” or First Day of School. This crate is full of items to make school, or the workplace for those out of school, cute and fun!

For this month the Suteki Crate focuses on several practical Sanrio based character goods, namely My Melody, Sumikko Gurashi, and Jinbesan. I approve!

(As usual I forgot the picture until I started writing this.)

I love the adorable pen pouch and memo pen, what about you guys? :3

(Also as a side note, in the comic for the month we’re introduced to a new boy character, Hibiki Shinosuke, who finds out first-hand why Tomomi is avoided in class. He’s really funny, so I hope we see more of him~)

Sumikko Gurashi Pen Case

Our first item is this slim and adorably designed pen/pencil/other small stationery item case. It features the Sumikko Gurashi trying various school clubs, besides the tennis one I got there is also soccer, volleyball, soft ball, music, and basketball.

Besides the music one, I’m pretty happy I got this one because I like tennis. But they all would have been really cute, so I wouldn't have been disappointed either way.

These are also double sided, providing 100% cuteness on both sides!

It’s also made to be discrete while safely snuggling the inner-contents; which means you could probably also use this on a daily basis if you didn’t attend school anymore or was going out for the day. They are on the small side so there are a handful of items that probably won’t fit, but there is also a variety of items that will.

I pretty much use it and the one I got last year (or maybe the year before?) to hold all the pens and pencils I get from these boxes!

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

I really like these x3 not only are they cute, but they are functional, well-made, and I like how they’re sleek and slim with a very smooth cloth fabric, rather than bulky and hard, which were the types of cases I had growing up when I attended school.

They were plastic which made them hard and fragile, and they got dirty fairly easy (but to be fair that was sometimes my fault), but I usually made them last until the school year ended. They came in handy due to their bigger size (I could fit some of everything school related in one) and I always had tons of coloring options, and I always found a pink one to buy each year... but I’m pretty sure my middle school self would have preferred these.

Jinbesan Folder

(Sorry the pics are kind of wonky, that’s what happens to a folder that’s been bent for a long period of time.)

Our next item is this large, colorful Jinbesan folder- which is pretty vital for pretty much everyone, no matter the grade. I know I had multiple each year, one for each subject like any other person.

There was a few different designs this was available in, and this one is also double-sided:

(Keep in mind it’s a lot brighter in person than in this picture)

Again, I’m pretty sure I would have loved to use these when I was younger; not that I don’t now though :P but I do have papers I can use it for now so it’s not like it’s going to go to waste... I just need to fix it’s bendiness first.

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

This folder material is like a very sleek plastic (maybe vinyl? I don’t really know terms for these things >3<), so I like knowing that if it gets dirty then in theory it should be an easy clean. Prior to me opening the box it was already bent, but staying in the box so long didn’t help it, but that’s my own fault and I’m sure with enough weight I can flatten it again. At least this material can’t tear like paper folders.

Aggretsuko Plush Charm

Who doesn’t love Retsuko? She’s become extremely popular as of late, and as the booklet points out, it’s can be really easy to relate to her sometimes when dealing with school and work (it also helps if you like metal, I enjoy it a bit myself).

This is a plush charm that was available in either form, the cutesy work Retsuko and the released death metal one. I hope I don’t get hate over this, but I actually prefer her normal cutesy appearance; but I can still be appreciative over this one too.

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

It’s very soft and squishy, I’m really impressed that as small as this charm is (It’s smaller than most mug in terms of height) it has a lot of perfectly stitched quality. There’s no quality issues, even the little hair tufts on the ears feel soft and silky. The ball chain is also pretty nice too.

My Melody Onigiri Maker

Whether you make your own lunch or someone else does it, or if you just want a snack, it’s nice to have a cutesy element in some shape or form to make it feel all the more special~

This comes in 4 pieces to make the perfect My Melody onigiri (rice ball), as well as drawn and written details to help make it on the packaging; although it isn’t that hard to figure out just looking at it either.

Now as much as I love rice and try to test out food-based gadgets we get, I wasn’t able to do that with this one. I didn’t have the “supplies” and with the hectic things going on, I wasn’t really doing much in the kitchen lately. But I have seen several youtube videos about items like this so I recommend going there if you want to see more.

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Whether I tested this out or not, I wouldn’t have had very much to say about it. You’ve seen one rice shaper you’ve seen them all, and I have tested previous ones I got and haven’t had any problems (besides the broken one I got like two years ago that they were supposed to be replace and never did).

I love cutesy looking food, even if they can take a bit more time to make, but food always seems to taste better when it’s personally worked on; it also helps to make picky-eaters a tiny bit less-picky :P if you like eating rice and would like to try these out, you can find a variety of them on Amazon.

Amuse Pen

You can’t have a school themed box without a writing utensil of some type. So here we are, at our last item. An adorable pastel pen featuring the popular brand Amuse and it’s original characters.

It’s a bit hard to see here, but I got Alpacasso x3 which is the reason I like this brand, since I always had a soft spot for llama and alpaca- I like that they’re so popular now because I can enjoy them more frequently!

Anyway, each pen comes in it’s own themed color, with matching colored ink. It also has a wonderful and relaxing scent, it smells exactly like an eraser I got in a prior school themed box. But I still can’t identify the scent more than being a light sweet fruit with a hint of baby powder or cotton candy.

It smells really good, trust me.

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

The pen quality is good, a tiny bit spotty but I think that was my fault for writing on the box rather than paper. Again it’s scented, and it has pretty sky blue ink, so I’m not sure it would be test or signature necessary friendly, but it’d be perfect for everything else!

Oh, also it isn’t a gel pen or fine tip, like what I usually prefer. But you know, I still really like it :3 I don’t have too many colored ink pens (unless you buy a really expensive pen or multi-ink ones, all we normally have are black, red, dark blue, and sometimes dark green) so I get excited when I can add to my collection.

In fact I pretty much stopped buying pens and stationery items from here because I get so many from these boxes.

♥ Cutie Ranking ♥

Content - 5 out of 5. I’m a teeny-tiny bit bugged by the folder, but that can easily be fixed so I’m not going to blame the box on that. I wasn’t amazed by the items or anything, but I liked them and I love getting to add to my pens and kitchen gadgets. They’re perfect for the time of year they were released and are very practical, so I completely approve!

Quality/Price - 5 out of 5. I’ll admit on terms of price I’m not sure where the box stands this month. The quality was excellent with each and every item, and because of them all being licensed I know that would probably make them costly depending on location. The problem with that is that where I live (and I’m sure in several other states/towns) school products are very cheap when school starts, and even throughout the year. So as much as I prefer cute items to plain ones... I’m not sure I’d go out of my way to spend triple times the amount just for a couple of them when I could use the same money to buy a lot of basic items. But to be fair I don’t know the prices of these things, it’s entirely possible they aren’t as expensive as I think.

Theme: 5 out of 5. Like last months, it’s extremely obvious even without the book. Every September they do a school themed box, but I like the consistency and I’m sure the other subscribers appreciate it too.

Total Rank: 15 out of 15 Cuties. When I first started this I wasn’t too sure how I felt about this box, it kind of gave me vibes from the previous one, where I enjoyed the items but I didn’t feel any sort of inspiration. I assume it stems from often getting “schoolish“ items in my other boxes, but at the same time I liked the concept of getting one box dedicated just to them. Plus I adore practicality considering how much gets spent on these and they have been doing pretty well with that!

♥ Cutie Scale ♥

1. Sumikko Gurashi Case - Again pastels and designs, but just looking at it makes me feel happy x3

2. Amuse Pen - I love it’s pale pastels and colorful design... but the clippy part of the pen’s top that you attach it to things with kind of blocks the image a teensy bit, which is kind of annoying to me.

3. Jinbesan Folder - I love how it has two alternate designs and is so smooth and translucent. Any time I see something Jinbesan related, I really want to hug it. I feel so warm and comforted looking at it~

4. My Melody Onigiri Maker - As much as I love cute pinkness, that’s all there really is going for it.

5. Aggretsuko Plush - ...It’s probably really obvious right?

Alrighty, that will be doing it with another review :3 I hope you found it enjoyable (I’d say informative but lets be real it isn’t), and because I didn’t get my April Gacha Gacha box yet, I will be moving on to our October boxes! I’m so excited, not only was October my birthday month, but it features spooky-kawaii items for Halloween~

Until next time, stay cute!

#dokidokicrate #doki doki crate #sumikkogurashi #sumikko gurashi #sanrio #jinbesan

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comicteaparty · 6 years ago

Text

February 7th, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on February 7th, 2019, from 5PM - 7PM PST. The chat focused on MK’s The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde by Marika Kapogeorgakis (or MK_Wizard).

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB START!

Good evening, everyone~! This week’s Thursday Book Club is officially beginning! Today we are discussing MK’s The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde by Marika Kapogeorgakis (or MK_Wizard)~! (http://mksjekyllandhyde.thecomicseries.com/)

Remember that Thursday discussions are completely freeform! However, every 30 minutes I will drop in OPTIONAL discussion questions in case you’d like a bit of a prompt. If you miss out on one of these prompts, you can find them pinned for the chat’s duration. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is fun and respectfully appreciating the comic. All that said, let’s begin!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

Archangel

I'd have to say the first real heart-to-heart that Hyde had with Lucy.

MK_Wizard

For me (the writer), my favourite scene was when Jekyll finally stood up for his niece Emily.

khkddn

that was one of my favorites too

MK_Wizard

PS, thanks to everyone who came. You all rock!

khkddn

it was so sad when he didn't stand up for her at first

MK_Wizard

@lomcia (princess_lom) Please don't do that.

lomcia (princess_lom)

so you want me to discrabe which one i like?

MK_Wizard

Yes please.

RebelVampire

for the record images, whether emotes or w/e, dont get archived anyway. so text and links are always better

lomcia (princess_lom)

So. I like when he said that he won't have glasses on his face. World NEVER ihere is making me laugh

MK_Wizard

Yes, but... I don't feel comfortable when people take "snaps" of my pictures and show them elsewhere. It's something I was taught not to do to others.

If you must share, please share through a link.

lomcia (princess_lom)

Act 2 page 21 when they look into a mirror xD he look so happy in first panel and then when he realised that its not him xD i love it

MK_Wizard

That was fun for me to do that part.

lomcia (princess_lom)

Act 3 page 7! When he sees our lovely Lucy

that first panel!

Archangel

I must admit to having a bit of a crush on Lucy myself.

lomcia (princess_lom)

It was perfect

MK_Wizard

I have to admit that Lucy is one of the characters I proudest of. I worked very hard on her to not only make her progressive, but also deep. I wanted to give her a reason for being as she is.

Archangel

More historically plausible in our world than you may realize, too

lomcia (princess_lom)

I prefer as a female Hyde

Archangel

lol

Actually, have we seen any lady trolls?

Can't recall

MK_Wizard

Not yet.

lomcia (princess_lom)

not yet so there will be xD

MK_Wizard

Maybe, maybe not.

lomcia (princess_lom)

I hope Albert Ode will find nice woman

RebelVampire

for me, my favorite scene is probably the one where jekyll is in the mirror having given hyde full control and resigning himself to be gone forever. and then hyde comes back and tells him nah dude well work this out. i really just loved the subtle build-up looks where hyde is looking at things like the letter jekyll was leaving and such. it was also very touching and really showed hyde's heart through all the huffing and puffing

lomcia (princess_lom)

I like him i hope he never change

Rebel that was so sad scene , so emotional!

I really enjoy as I said Albert Ode, I hope to see him more offten, hes charming

Archangel

I think somebody has her own crush.

lomcia (princess_lom)

yeah, on all trolls Albert and Hyde

MK_Wizard

I felt is was high time the world got a version of Hyde who was good and still "Hyde" enough. In every adaptation I've seen, Hyde is always bad. And the very concept Robert Louis Stevenson had on good and evil was deep at the time, but now, we know that it's not true. What I did was bold and maybe "wrong" to some people, but it's the truth.

Archangel

I like how both Doc and Hyde have a plausible and sensible mix of good and bad personal qualities. Their interplay is more akin to 'The Odd Couple" than the usual metaphors of id vs superego or drug addiction that I see in other adaptations of the story.

MK_Wizard

Ha! Well, I like to think that by troll standards, Hyde doe faced.

I did that purpose too. If we did what was expected and made Jekyll completely submit to Hyde, that would be expected and dull.

No offence to webcomic writers who take that route.

Archangel

Well, tropes can either be used to a good purpose, subverted to a good purpose, or just blindly followed.

khkddn

Robert Louis Stevenson's take wasn't true?

MK_Wizard

If anything, I can tell you all this: between the two of them, Hyde is more dependent on Jekyll than Jekyll is on Hyde.

lomcia (princess_lom)

MK I really enjoy your story, and I would love to chat more but my eyes don't listen to me :< I wish you all the best, meaby when I'll wake up I will answer for questions which people left as a feedback for you

MK_Wizard

It was true for the psychological view of human nature at the time. So he was just as right as everyone else. But now, we have come a long way with psychology.

So yes and no @khkddn

Thanks @lomcia (princess_lom)

Archangel

It's been a long time since I read the original, but I seem to recall interpreting Jeckyl as the superego and Hyde as the id

Which could be considered good and evil, respectively, in a Victorian mind? Maybe? Not really my period of history, so I don't feel comfortable being definite.

khkddn

I interpreted it as subverting what people of the time thought the "professional gentlemanly man" was supposed to be

Archangel

Hmm. I see that.

MK_Wizard

It could be interpreted many ways. That's the beauty of the original tale.

khkddn

the victorian professional gentleman was supposed to be all good and proper, but here we have this guy turning into an evil man at night

but that's pretty far removed from mk's version

MK_Wizard

Jekyll and Hyde had a lot of complex themes when it came to duality don't forget such as having dark secrets one would be very ashamed of for the Victorian age especially.

khkddn

it's a happier story for one thing. i like how your writing isn't mean-spirited mk.

like there are mean people who do terrible things, but it's never framed as a funny thing or as just something that happens in life that we can't change

RebelVampire

yes i agree, i like this is a more upbeat version. not to say sad things dont happen, but i dont get the impression that its trying to be dark and edgy just to be dark and edgy. sad things happen right when they should

MK_Wizard

I'm not into meanness. I find at one point in the media, being mean got passed off as cool. I don't like that.

mathtans

Little one is asleep in crib (again). ^^ Happening place tonight! I got as far as end of Act 5.

RebelVampire

hi math~!

MK_Wizard

Hello!

mathtans

Fave bit of what I've read was probably at the ball, when we get the extra whammy of who Emma was with. I hadn't expected that. Then when Jekyll is trying to shrug it off, Emily interjects, that was awesome. I really like Emily.

MK_Wizard

Nice to see an Emily fan. I feared people overlooked her.

Archangel

She's a keeper, for sure

I had actually forgotten about her since we haven't seen her in a while. If it's any consolation, I do that to real people too.

RebelVampire

oh really? i 100% expected emma to be with him cause the world was really intent on kicking jekyll down. what i did enjoy was her trying to put all the blame on jekyll tho. cause that is something real ppl do when they get caught as such.

mathtans

Emily is the kick in the pants that Jekyll needs sometimes. I also like Lucy for similar reasons, actually (standing up for herself, whereas with Emily it's for her uncle).

MK_Wizard

@RebelVampire Definitely. I see it happen all to often with cheaters.

mathtans

Rebel: I guess I hadn't anticipated that plot point to still be dangling. Really felt bad for Jekyll at the start on account of kicking him when he was down though, like ouch. Also, agree, it was true to form.

Archangel

The hardest thing to blame is one's self, after all

RebelVampire

i appreciated that emily didnt forgive jekyll for the tennis thing and for not standing up for her. cause that was a point where i was glad she was gonna stop being an enabler of jekyll's flaws in a more slap in the face wake up call kind of way

mathtans

Like, talking could still be a thing. I know that sometimes people avoid, but when you're proposed to, I think that's the time to talk.

MK_Wizard

In Emily's defence, what Jekyll did was cowardly and hurtful.

Archangel

Def

mathtans

Rebel: Yeah, I'm kind of in the middle of that now, but that hurt. Since she was always standing up for him.

MK_Wizard

And don't forget. Emily's a teenager. She will have teen moments.

Archangel

He did correct his mistake and learn from it. Credit where it's due.

mathtans

Oooh, spoilers. (j/k)

Archangel

Oh right, sorry

hehe

mathtans

Heh, it's cool, talk about all the stuff. I do this every week, and never manage to clear the archive half the time.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 2. Two major themes of the comic are what it means to be a better person in the face of personal flaws and how one might learn to be better. Insofar, what has been your favorite moment of growth for any of the characters showcased in the comic? What about this moment struck you as particularly strong? In the larger picture, do you think Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde really will continue to help each other to grow? Further, in what ways do you think the two characters can grow further as people? Alternatively, might the two reach a limit where they are no longer able to help each other in this manner? What flaws might both still continue to deal with long term? Overall, how do you think these changes will affect how both characters deal with life, and what can we personally learn from it as readers?

MK_Wizard

I'm afraid there's no way I can answer this without giving things away

Archangel

Good God, where to start. Give me a minute.

mathtans

It's kind of interesting, because Hyde never even had a memory before the transformation. So in some sense, he's a blank slate, and thus everything is growth.

In the beginning, Hyde was doing it for himself, but he inadvertantly helped people. Some part of him must have liked that, because now he does it to help and fight against the system.

Archangel

Okay, so obviously each of our protagonists has a massive, salient character flaw that comes out fairly early on. Jeckyl is too afraid of confrontation, and would rather get shafted than make a scene. Meanwhile Hyde, as @mathtans noted, is very self-centered--in rather a childish way, which makes sense in the context that Mat noted.

Each is well-placed to advise the other and point out that he's being a tool and why.

And -- very importantly -- they can't ignore each other

While each man is far from perfect, we're already seeing them improve in the face of the other's prodding, and finding themselves happier for it

mathtans

They have much to "reflect" on.

Archangel

/facedesk

Bravo, sir

Now I have to wipe soda off my monitor

MK_Wizard

I don't deny that there are tons of metaphors and symbolism in my story.

khkddn

there were earlier times when jekyll became more of a courageous person but i liked in act 8 when lanyon showed up at his door pretending to be friendly and jekyll is not having ANY of it

RebelVampire

be careful with that soda cause math is here to be the pun master

Archangel

Noted

Anyway, to @khkddn 's point, I wonder if it's because it was just the two of them? Maybe J's problem is more social anxiety? Interesting thought.

RebelVampire

yeah seeing jekyll just being like nope was a really satisfying in that moment. like seeing your little boy suddenly grow up.

MK_Wizard

It's a lot of things and it's complex which will be explained more and more as the story goes on.

RebelVampire

my favorite moment of growth is actually when hyde apologizes to lucy. because apologies are legit one of the hardest things to do i think for ppl. because thats a lot of stabbing for the personal ego, and the more prideful, the harder it is. so heres hyde, probably one of the most prideful ppl in the comic, admitting that he said some messed up shit and screwed up. that was a beautiful moment cause taking that many stabs to his ego was a showcase of how far hed come that hed go through such a grand gesture and damage his pride.

mathtans

Hyde also really has no filter when he's talking, while Jekyll has like, massive overthinking of everything before he speaks. It's a live-in-the-moment attitude versus thinking about the future. So if there is a "limit" where they can't help each other, I imagine Jekyll would see it coming.

MK_Wizard

They are opposites @mathtans

mathtans

True. I guess I'm saying that's conveyed well.

Archangel

@RebelVampire it also shows just how deeply Hyde cares for Lucy, that he's willing to basically abase himself like that.

khkddn

i agree w @RebelVampire about that scene, it shows that even if hyde is an opposite to jekyll personality wise, he isn't morally opposite and can be a good person who admits mistakes

mathtans

Speaking of opposites, here's a fun thing I realized. Jekyll loses his job, and his girl, and we feel badly for him. That thug guy Tom ALSO loses his "job" and his "girl" (if shaking down stores can be a job), but because he's on the wrong side of the law (and a jerk), we don't feel badly for him.

Archangel

Well, neither of their flaws are really things that need to be completely removed. They just need to be moderated. Hyde needs to learn a bit of impulse control, and Jeckyl needs to learn to loosen up a bit.

mathtans

Yeah, "Tom" might be the moral opposite.

Archangel

But neither of their attitudes towards life are bad per se, so long as they're not taken to extremes... as they have been doing

Huh, interesting

Or perhaps "there but for the grace of God go I" type of thing?

MK_Wizard

@mathtans Tom is a bad person. Do you all remember how he hit Lucy? Imagine how much worse it would have been if Hyde wasn't there.

RebelVampire

yeah im really interested to see if jekyll's biggest challenge in growing is moderation. cause i didnt entirely disagree with him in certain contexts. like at the party, i was kind of on his side that sometimes just letting things go is better and that theres a time and place for certain...coversations as it were.

Archangel

I'm amazed Lucy doesn't carry a knife or something. Most prostitutes in cities carry something for self-defense (if they're smart), and the habit would likely carry over into working at a bar. Plus Victorian ladies' clothes are REALLY good for concealing weapons. You have to see it to believe it

mathtans

Yeah, jerk as I indicated. Just, similar stuff happened to him. Just thought it was interesting. He's more evil than Hyde is, for sure.

Archangel

Oh absolutely

khkddn

tom doesnt have a cool top hat like hyde and that's why i'll never root for him even if he weren't a bad person(edited)

MK_Wizard

@Archangel Lucy does own a knife, but she knows Tom would have overpowered her.

Archangel

If she'd given him a chance. But I see your point.

The hardest part of hurting or killing someone is actually deciding to do so.

Damaging somebody is terrifyingly easy... if you can bring yourself to do it.

Anyway. off topic.

MK_Wizard

There's a reason she has scars. Like Lucy said, her getting slapped wasn't the worst assault a man had ever done on her. She is brave and tough, but she's not super strong. Lots of men can overpower her and have, but she's not prostitute. She's a waitress, but she is poor so that still makes her an easy target.

Archangel

She started out as a sex worker, though, right? Or am I misremembering.

mathtans

Again, to be clear, I don't think anyone should root for Tom. Just, he had similar stuff happen and approached things in a way that neither Jekyll nor Hyde would. (Very wrongly.)

khkddn

lucy would also need an exit strategy if she used the knife on tom. she would probably have to run away and lay low, which could be more dangerous than staying with him.

mathtans

Lucy is kickass. I liked her remark of an apology shouldn't have a "but".

MK_Wizard

She was a showgirl and eventually had to sort of become a prostitute, but she isn't one anymore.

Archangel

Very true, hadn't thought that through

Seebee

is here to show support

Woo, go MK

Archangel

lol

MK_Wizard

Hey Seebee!

Seebee

Yoooo~

MK_Wizard

Glad you could join us.

You rock!

Seebee

GASP, I'MMA ROCK?!

looks at self

no wonder I got craters on my skiiiin

Archangel

Hope you're a pet rock. Then you get a nice box with straw and everything

MK_Wizard

Just because Lucy is no muscle woman doesn't mean she's a pushover. And now that she doesn't have to submit to people to make a living, she sure as heck never does.

RebelVampire

yeah i think that was a great line, @mathtans cause its really such a simplistic but smart way of weeding a good apology from a bad apology

MK_Wizard

Her having her body belong to herself again is something that is very precious to her.

Archangel

Understandably

Not many people could have gone through as much bad as Lucy has and come out walking erect, as the saying goes. I think that's why admire her so much. I don't think I could ever be that strong.

mathtans

(I'm continuing my read in the background, btw. The April Fools strip with the green hair is a riot. Speaking of bodies belonging to other people.)

khkddn

yeah lucy is one of my favorite characters, she's cool

MK_Wizard

She had to be. No one else was there for her. Back in the day, being of mixed ethnicity was a taboo.

That was the reason she had it rough. It's not right, but... it was not uncommon.

khkddn

if a random person during the time saw lucy would they assume she is mixed? or does she pass as not being mixed?

i'm wondering if this would change how she is treated

Archangel

Speaking for the USA, it depended entirely on the place and the person's specific appearance

But rarely would it be ignored

MK_Wizard

Ha. Well.... she's a cartoon, but if she were real, yes. You would tell because her skin is a bit too dark, she has the eyes and lips, as well as the physique.

mathtans

Just an aside on the topic of cartoons, I feel like it takes a while to draw the hairdos. ^^

MK_Wizard

She can't pass off not being mixed. She's one of those very obvious cases.

Oh ho ho ho. Jekyll's hair IS tedious to draw, but it's worth it because it makes him stand out.

Archangel

Also, her hair isn't right. One of the more dominant traits of African heritage is the way hair behaves--very bristly and stand-outy (I don't know the right word). To get it to flow like Lucy's does, one needs a good deal of product every morning. Or so a friend told me once.

mathtans

Well done, MK. Also for having Emily's be similar, what with the family resemblance.

MK_Wizard

Thanks

RebelVampire

QUESTION 3. In the current story, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde have become aware of a mysterious alchemist causing trouble. Who exactly is this mysterious alchemist? Why is this alchemist helping Governor Carew? Exactly what do you think this project is that the board of governors is looking to fund by using the alchemist’s talents? Do you think Mr. Hyde’s previous actions will put the board on extra alert for their investigations? How might this affect Mr. Hyde and Dr. Jekyll’s success in stopping Carew’s villainy, if so? Alternatively, how might the various things the alchemist is able to do (like create gold) change the characters’ views on how the world works? All in all, how do you feel this arc of cases will wind up be solved (or go unsolved)?

Archangel

I do know that one of the standard "tests" of somebody's background back in the bad old days was to look at their hair, precisely because this trait is so dominant.

mathtans

Well, I'm obviously not there yet, but I feel like this was set up very well with the mercury poisoning stuff happening in the background of what I have read.

Archangel

Well, creating gold is always a bad idea when the economy is based on gold. Every mage's guild I've ever seen in any universe has a big fat rule against it

MK_Wizard

In Lucy's case, it's her skin, eyes and lips. Plus, her body type as she got older. Don't forget, coloured people go far beyond the hair and skin.

But back to the subject, it was explicitly stated that making your own gold is 100% illegal.

Archangel

So they have to be either utterly stupid or they don't care about devaluing the currency. Not something for men of means (and thus knowledge of at least some finance and economics) to take lightly

My bad, but my second point stands re: their scheme with the unfortunate chickens

RebelVampire

youre making a huge assumption they understand how the economy works. XD i dont get the impression most of the men of means care, as long as they get theirs and get to have their fancy stuff.

MK_Wizard

Plus, the board of governors have a lot of influence.

mathtans

What about making gold for someone else?

Archangel

I'd like to argue with you, RV, but I can't.

Presumably charged as an accessory, @mathtans

MK_Wizard

@Seebee, you got anything to add to this?

Archangel

Given that we're talking chemistry, though, the other classic thing that comes up aside from gold is some sort of immortality potion. I don't recall any hints to that effect, though.

mathtans

"You made a gold chain for my locket?" "Yes, now it's an accessory."

Seebee

Hmmm... not at the moment

I will be honest, I am ded inside from being out all day))

mathtans

I'm reminded of how Jekyll's first attempts at his formula involved trying almost all elements on the periodic table. He must have certain resources that might be helpful for going after an alchemist.

MK_Wizard

That and Jekyll has the most valuable resource of all: his own genius

Archangel

Mmm. He can certainly analyze any samples or whatnot that Hyde acquires.

RebelVampire

maybe thatll be the next arc, where theyre trying to find an immortality potion.

khkddn

i imagine the alchemist is helping governor carew because he's deeply involved w the plan somehow. it'd be weird if he were just a hired alchemist, because, what're they gonna pay him in? gold?? couldn't he just make the gold himself

Archangel

Perhaps the deal is that they'll put him beyond the law

So he can actually get away with it

No point to crime if you can't enjoy the result

MK_Wizard

It's definitely something big and it also shows how heinous the board of governors really are.

RebelVampire

i kind of think the previous arc has made it more difficult though. cause if i was on the board, i would def be on high alert. all it takes is one guy saying "hey i saw hyde snooping around stopping our gold operation"

MK_Wizard

Actually, nobody can say or do anything.

The alchemist burnt the evidence and place to the ground.

mathtans

Everything probably points back to Carew. That guy is shady as anything. (Incidentally, good job emphasizing his character with that statue debacle near the start. Not a nice man.)

RebelVampire

i can only think the alchemist is in it for the secret project. cause i agree with khkddn, its not like the alchemist needs gold

Archangel

I don't think we've seen any bent cops to this point, which means that the Governors either need enough evidence to fool honest cops (not so easy to fake), or to keep mum

MK_Wizard

It's a bit of both. Not enough evidence and some cops are crooked much to Sgt. Drumwell's dismay.

Archangel

There's always a few, and they always get promoted. >_<

Kei Esteban

Hello! Sorry I'm Late!

MK_Wizard

It's cool!

Archangel

*Hi ho

khkddn

heya

Kei Esteban

Thanks

RebelVampire

tbf its not like these are modern csi times. so theres only so many ways they can analyze evidence in the first place

MK_Wizard

Exactly

khkddn

do they even have fingerprint technology at this point?

Archangel

The techniques were fully established by that point, but not so widely accepted

MK_Wizard

They do have a way of detecting fingerprints, but fire destroys everything.

mathtans

Gotta make themselves a time machine.

Archangel

Wiki "Henry Classification System" sometime for an interesting insight into pre-fingerprint policing

khkddn

ah well to get anything out of ashes i think they would need chemical analysis that doesn't exist yet. it'd prolly be faster to build a time machine yep

Archangel

The problem with fire is that it alters the chemical composition of everything

MK_Wizard

Exactly. The alchemist knew precisely what he was doing.

Archangel

So unless you have research data, it's pretty much impossible to ID the source substances.

khkddn

they need chemical analysis that doesn't even exist in OUR time yet

Archangel

Well, the good guys do have a genius (al)chemist on their side...

Speaking of, @MK_Wizard , is there an actual technical distinction between chemistry and alchemy, or is it just po-tay-to/po-tah-to?

mathtans

Maybe someone will Hyde the evidence.

MK_Wizard

Yes and no.

khkddn

if only the chickens could speak english. then the truth would be out there

MK_Wizard

To explain, alchemy has some spirituality and magical properties behind it. Basically, it was the stepping stone to chemistry. People discovered that magic did have a science behind it and upon further research, people discovered that magic had a direct link to nature.

khkddn

i have to work on a school project and this is distracting me way too much so i'm gonna go. it's been fun chatting!

Archangel

glhf

MK_Wizard

With that, human beings who have no magic invented a way to "use magic" without having any themselves. Alchemy. They would use ways of manipulating nature in supernatural ways and through that, they discovered how to make chemicals and made other marvels through science.

@khkddn thanks for joining us

Of course, it wasn't just humans who used magic. Other races did too.

Kei Esteban

Ah, Other than Trolls and Humans, do you have any interest in having other Races show up?

mathtans

Interesting bringing that up, what with trolls being a thing common enough to be known with police. I wondered too.(edited)

MK_Wizard

Definitely. In fact, you already saw two and didn't know it.

Remember the short guy Biggs? He's a gnome.

Archangel

Oh cool

Kei Esteban

Ah Neat ^_^

Archangel

I still say he needs a buddy named Wedge

Kei Esteban

RebelVampire

thats interesting. cause i was curious why everyone was like shrugging to the presence of trolls

MK_Wizard

The other one is Tyler the redhead, but what HE is... you're going to see

mathtans

Now I'm picturing Biggs renting himself out to stand in gardens during the day.

Archangel

"If I parked a tank outside your office, after a week it would be just another car." --one of my vet buddies

Kei Esteban

I look forward to finding out ^_^

Archangel

(as in my buddy who's a vet. I was never in the Service)

Also, London in our world is one of the most metropolitan environments on earth. I bet it's the same in the story.

MK_Wizard

Most definitely,

mathtans

I now kind of wonder about interracial breeding.

MK_Wizard

It's like the "New York" of Europe in my comic. You'll find anyone there.

Archangel

Just like in real life

MK_Wizard

You've seen it already. Sgt. Drumwell is half troll and half human.

mathtans

Like, troll and human must be a thing given how Hyde and Lucy.... oh, yeah? Hummmm.

MK_Wizard

Hence his human appearance, but he has yellow fangs and his eyes.

Kei Esteban

Settings like that are always nice too see

MK_Wizard

It's also why he's compassionate. He was lucky because his parents were very wealthy so their money protected them. Plus, he passes off as a human mostly, but his eyes, teeth and height give him away.

Archangel

Well, it's for MK to say for sure, but one of the definitions of separate species is the inability to interbreed. There are exceptions, but that's the general rule. It would be interesting to see Hyde and Lucy have little ones, though. In due course.

Kei Esteban

indeed

RebelVampire

are laws applied equally or is there inequality as far as different species go? like is there special laws that only exist for trolls, etc.?

mathtans

Actually, Sgt Drumwell is their child. Eventually Jekyll perfects the time machine and sends him back.

MK_Wizard

lol no

Archangel

lmao

MK_Wizard

Here's how it works. It's generally a taboo socially, but if you're very rich, you can get away with a lot. You just won't be respected for it.

For example... there's another non-human you saw without knowing it. Utterson's redheaded wife Camilla. She's a wizard.

AND he married her without making her convert to his faith/human lifestyle. He allows her to continue living openly as a wizard and practicing her culture.

Archangel

Fascinating. And again, makes sense that people would regard sentient species the way they regarded other races at the time.

Kei Esteban

Well he is a Great guy, so that's not too surprising he would be respectful of her completely

MK_Wizard

Her hair was also an Easter Egg to her race. In old lore, red heads were often thought to be witches.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 4. Despite working together, Mr. Hyde and Dr. Jekyll still argue quite often and risk their own safety a lot. How might their shared injury and pain help or hurt their ability to function in their own daily lives in the future? Do you believe that at some point the two’s shared identity of sorts will be revealed? If so, how do you envision this coming about? Given the growing relationship between Mr. Hyde and Lucy, will Mr. Hyde be compelled to tell her at some point? What about Dr. Jekyll with his niece and nephew? Do you think the two’s shared arrangement with the body will work long term, or will they at some point need to make alterations to their living situation? Ultimately, how do you feel their living arrangement will affect their future adventures, whatever you think those future adventures might be?

Kei Esteban

@MK_Wizard Oh no! They are on too me! (I'm a Red head XD)(edited)

MK_Wizard

Ok, for this... I leave entirely up to all of you. So... bring on the fan theories!

Archangel

Let's see. Well, Lucy absolutely has a right to know. How she'll react, I have no idea.

As to Emily & Will... I think Emily should be briefed in, if only so she won't freak out if Hyde has to come get them to prevent a kidnapping or something by the opposition.

MK_Wizard

Keep in mind. Nobody knows yet.

Nobody except Louis and he's not talking.

Archangel

Right. I think Lucy can keep a secret. Emily... honestly don't know her well enough to say.

RebelVampire

yeah i think as far as a long term arrangement, its not gonna work. because assuming hyde wants to marry lucy at some point, thatd be problematic. even worse, what if jekyll meets somebody. they are fooling themselves if they think this can work out indefinitely. so jekyll is gonna need to put that genius to work.

Kei Esteban

I think it would be best in the long run for those closest to them to know. Lucy and Emily would be a great start indeed

Archangel

Knowledge of the situation would be all that Carew & Lanyon need to discredit anything Jeckyl says, ever, so it certainly can't become public knowledge.

MK_Wizard

Lanyon is out of the picture for good. It's the one thing I can confirm. He's defeated for good.

Archangel

Yay!

He was a good bad guy, though

Kei Esteban

I love how he effectively defeated himself! XD

MK_Wizard

That was the point. And it was also karma. Lanyon got successful by riding on Jekyll's tail and taking everything that was his.

In the end, doing this was his undoing.

Sure he didn't have Jekyll's money to do stuff, but it didn't make being a skunk ok especially because Jekyll really did see him as a friend and would have hlped him.

Kei Esteban

It was such a Creative way to end the conflict ^_^

Archangel

I don't think he'd believe you if you'd told him that to his face. People like that seem to get that way because they assume that everybody's out to get everybody. At least in my (blessedly limited) contact with the species.

Kei Esteban

That's an unfortunate way to look at the world. By that i mean the "everybody out to get everybody" bit.(edited)

MK_Wizard

I wanted to show that there are good and bad people from every social standing.

Basically, different kinds of good and bad people.

mathtans

Back. (Had to see to the little one briefly.)

MK_Wizard

Aww

mathtans

In terms of people knowing, would they believe without seeing the transformation?

Archangel

Good question

MK_Wizard

Would you? I don't think so.

mathtans

It's not like people have iPhones to video record it.

Archangel

That might help them keep the secret

mathtans

I mean, there's the argument of they haven't been in the same room together.

RebelVampire

nah i highly doubt it. in fact, far more likely the person claiming this is a thing that happened would get sent to an asylum

MK_Wizard

Yeah, but... who would believe the two share a body that transforms without seeing it?

mathtans

Though I agree with Rebel that they'll need to figure something out so that relationship things don't become an issue.

Someone with MPD?

MK_Wizard

Not talking (teasing)

I will share one tidbit... At the end of the true end of the story, there will be no loose ends.

For anything. And that is all.

mathtans

Just got to the bit with Lanyon, btw, that you were referencing earlier. That was very clever, coming full circle, and good final shot of him in the mirror.

RebelVampire

actually ya know tbf, didnt louis take some of the potion. you could use louis to show its a real thing

in the sense of the transformation

mathtans

Crazy theory time: Jekyll figures out how to shift Hyde to share a body with someone else instead. Hyde and Lucy decide to become "one", and ride off into the sunset.

MK_Wizard

I will say this now... no.

That sounds romantic on paper, but that would actually be bad.

Because how would they be a couple?

mathtans

Kissing mirrors.

Archangel

That'd make it like that one movie where the knight and the lady each shapeshift, but they alternate states at dawn and can never be together. That was one weird movie.

Good curse, though

MK_Wizard

That sounds like the worst kind of hell for two people deeply in love. To be so close, yet completely separate.

Kei Esteban

@MK_Wizard like Garnet, from Steven Universe? XD

Archangel

Actually, what Mat describes would be a truly horrible curse for a couple. I might use that someday.

MK_Wizard

Garnet is not Ruby and Sapphie per se. She is the embodiment of their love.

mathtans

Yeah, you're not wrong. Okay, so Hyde and Poole...?

Archangel

Poole's not getting any younger

What happens when one half dies?

MK_Wizard

They both die.

Kei Esteban

@MK_Wizard Very True (I guess we can't use Gem logic here)(edited)

mathtans

Yeah, I think that was stated. When they hurt, the other hurts too.

RebelVampire

yeah i feel the fact they share pain and death is gonna be weaponized against them. cause if i needed to get rid of hyde, id go for jekyll if i knew that fact. cause whats jekyll gonna do? slap me a little?

Kei Esteban

then how about Hyde and Carew? (Hyde just takes over full time)

MK_Wizard

You all really hit the nail on the head that them sharing a body, but not lives and such is going to become a challenge.

Archangel

Good point. Though you'd have to bump Jeckyl right away rather than keeping him around. Come sunset...

mathtans

Just to talk about Emily again (because she's cool), I feel like she'd understand, if the truth came out. Though I wonder if she'd be hurt that Jekyll didn't say anything sooner.

Archangel

Ooo, I like Kei's idea. Not sure it works that way, though.

MK_Wizard

And I will disprove the theory now.... Hyde and Jekyll cannot suddenly be shifted to another person. Neither soul is a "disease" you can hand onto someone else.

Archangel

@mathtans I agree. My concern would be whether she can keep a secret. She is a teenage girl, after all.

MK_Wizard

They are a person.

Archangel

And keeping a cool secret is hard at any age

MK_Wizard

They are two people.

Kei Esteban

indeed

mathtans

Archangel: She's pretty mature for her age though. Granted, she's also pretty outspoken. I don't think she'd say anything intentionally, but it might come out in the heart of the moment or something. (Which is maybe why she could accept not having been told.)

RebelVampire

i think emily could keep a secret. now will on the otherhand

MK_Wizard

So all theories of them being put onto someone else will not come to pass because that's impossible.

RebelVampire

will i would believe couldnt keep a secret cause hes even younger(edited)

Archangel

Perhaps with the materials to 'construct' a new body, and the proper spellwork, each can be embodied separately? Sort of a siamese twin operation?

Will is right out at his age.

Kei Esteban

Will being a kid, might even think it's cool (Which he would be right)(edited)

mathtans

So maybe one of them decides to sacrifice themselves for the good of the two of them. Jekyll already tried that once.

MK_Wizard

I won't say much about who can keep a secret, but in my experience, it goes with personality not age.

Archangel

I will say that almost nobody under the age of 10 can keep a secret in my experience. But aside from that, agreed.

mathtans

Yeah, I'm pretty sure Nellie couldn't keep a secret.

MK_Wizard

You've also seen that Hyde would never have that. He's not an active killer. And he loves Jekyll as a brother. He wouldn't kill him if he asked him to.

And taking over essentially does that.

Archangel

I'm not sure Nellie's bright enough to grasp the core concept XD

Kei Esteban

Archangel

Here's a really trippy question, MK: do J&D have separate souls, or do they share one?

mathtans

(And I had to go to the cast page to look up the name, and now I see how "half troll" is right there in Drumwell's bio, nice.)

MK_Wizard

They have separate souls.

Archangel

Obviously their minds are separate, but I'm questioning their spiritual state in the technical sense

Okay, so it's reasonable to theorize that they could be separated and embodied separately. It would certainly take high magic, though.

MK_Wizard

The Hyde Formula has magical properties. For example, did you know that in reincarnation, the soul splits? Hence why some people who get reincarnated can be reincarnated as multiple people.

Archangel

I've never heard that.

mathtans

Well, if the original intention was a sort of "Disney" Jekyll and Hyde, maybe there will be a Disney ending? Somehow?

Archangel

Pillars of Eternity has this whole thing about souls fragmenting, but that's more like chips off a rock over time.

MK_Wizard

In the case of Jekyll and Hyde, Hyde came from a piece of Jekyll's own soul, but it became its own unique being.

Yes, You got it!

Archangel

Makes sense.

MK_Wizard

Keep in mind, even Disney endings aren't always perfect.

RebelVampire

the disney ending will be hyde and lucy riding off in a carriage with the just got married sign and jekyll will come to cause they decided to just make it a threesome

although that joke aside i wonder if jekyll and lucy will ever interact

MK_Wizard

Uh, no lol

Lucy is not Jekyll's type and Hyde would not share his woman with anyone.

Nor would Jekyll do that.

Jekyll is as monogamous as they come lol.

mathtans

Hmmm, and is it too late to ship Lucy and Emma?

Archangel

RV is right insofar as it would be interesting to see how Jeckyl and Lucy get along socially. I imagine that after some initial sounding out, they'll manage well enough. After all, Lucy is a lady and Jeckyl is a gentleman. That goes a long way.

lmao

Kei Esteban

It would be nice to see Jekyll meet someone new, that is actually good for him

Archangel

MK_Wizard

@mathtans That ship is solely wish fulfilment and a fan fantasy.

RebelVampire

i more wonder the social interaction cause that could make hyde jealous. if jekyll and lucy got along even if it was totally platonic

Archangel

Actually, someone like Emily would be very good for Jeckyl... in the sense of personality, not age.

mathtans

(I always ship the ladies... ) And actually, the thought that it's a fan fantasy already amuses me.

Archangel

Cue the "I ship it, I don't care" song

MK_Wizard

I made this comic knowing people would do ships if the comic caught on. All I say is that, as long as you accept that it is not the official storyline.

mathtans

Maybe Jekyll can be the best man at the Hyde/Lucy wedding?

Archangel

Only if Poole is the Father of the Bride

Otherwise J would slide down to second place IMO

mathtans

What's official is definitely up to the author. All the best with it! It's an interesting take.

MK_Wizard

Thanks

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB END!

Sadly, this wraps up this week’s Thursday Book Club chat for now. Thank you so much to everyone for reading and joining us! We want to give a special thank you to Marika Kapogeorgakis (or MK_Wizard), as well, for making MK’s The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. If you liked the comic, make sure to support Marika Kapogeorgakis (or MK_Wizard)’s efforts however you’re able to~!

Read and Comment: http://mksjekyllandhyde.thecomicseries.com/

Marika’s Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/MK_Wizard

Marika’s Ko-Fi: https://ko-fi.com/mkwizard

Marika’s Storenvy: https://mkomics.storenvy.com/

Marika’s Gumroad: https://gumroad.com/MK_Wizard

Marika’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/MKJekyllAndHyde

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #book club #bookclub #webcomic book club #webcomic bookclub #comic tea party #ctp #mk's the strange case of dr. jekyll & mr. hyde #mk's dr. jekyll & mr. hyde #marika kapogeorgakis #mk_wizard

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mandimormon-blog · 7 years ago

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The Runaway + Park Entomology

I’m back. 2/2. This week has been up, it’s been down, it’s been around. I had some moments I’m not very proud of, but since I’ve already told my running buddies and a few friends, I might as well seem like a crazy person to the world wide web.

We all remember Elsa, from Frozen. Elsa and I have similar personality traits. First-born, “conceal, don’t feel”, then boom, LET IT GO. It’s a process and sometimes it’s all very frightening. I let things build and then I explode, but if I just let it go, I seem to handle things better and I don’t mean ‘let it go’ as in not saying anything and suppressing it, I mean vocally share my feelings, good or bad. I’m not a perfect person. But the good part is when I do hone in my talents I love to create and invent, for the greater good. Oh, the mind.

It started out to be a rocky week. It was my fault, I’m not gonna lie. I asked my husband to build a playhouse for the park project. He said no. So, we tried exploring other options of accomplishing that, but those didn’t pan out. So, on the brink of building it myself with another mom, (probably a disaster waiting to happen) my husband fell right into my trap, and he agreed to do it, on his terms, his plans, when he had time. I think he knew about the trap all along.

The drawing isn’t until Oct 28, so at the time, he thought he had plenty of time to get the job done and would work on it of at evening. Better yet, after we postponed the playground project groundbreaking, he thought he had even more time to build the house, over the winter when things slowed down. Yet, after a volunteer meeting, for our last fundraiser for the playground, a brilliant suggestion was made. Let’s reveal the playhouse at Apple Fest! I almost couldn’t ask him, I knew the answer would be no. After the meeting I went home, gauged his mood (which is usually really good), I could tell he was tense and stressed, but I blurted it out anyway, after a really long hug. Reluctantly and surprisingly, he agreed. Thinking it was nearly a month away. Reality: it was in two weeks.

This is where the resentment and stress set in and when I feel that, I know I’m in the doghouse. I pushed the limits of my incredibly selfless, giving husband just too far, and I knew it was not going to end without a fight.

I continued to “aide” him. But, I wasn’t much help, probably a bit more pushy and controlling than helpful. We were at the week of the festival, and it was a Tuesday, I sent him some photos of inspiration, which he may have felt were more perspiration (or sweat, from the pressure).

Finally, that evening, laying in bed, on my iPhone, which by the way - I’d vowed not to use right before bed anymore. I was feeling ignored, resented, and needing something to do, since he was busy with estimates for his actual job. I began reading his political threads on Facebook. A bit of jealousy and anger surged over my body, and I spoke, without thinking it through (this is normal for me), with the advicey-statement: “You know, you probably would be less stressed if you spent less time on Facebook, and more time working.”

I may as well have hit him upside the head with a frying pan (I guess that’s Rapunzel-style, more so than Elsa). He immediately retorted, “What are you talking about? I spend maybe a half hour on it a day.” Lies. I began counting and tallying time stamps, because I don’t like to be wrong and clearly, in my opinion, he was in denial.

Then I cut in, probably after minutes of adding (because I’m really not mathy), “22 times, within a day and we’re talking pecking-paragraphs, Honey. I’m no Mathematician, but that’s clearly more than 30 minutes.” I really enunciated that “clearly”.

It’s personal and heated now. His next comment offended me so much, I got up and began walking downstairs. He followed calmly, closely behind. I didn’t speak. I slipped on the closest and only pairs of shoes, near the door, and slipped out. He asked me where I was going, and I told him I needed fresh air.

Here I was at midnight, walking fearlessly down Fourth Street, in a tan colored tank top, no bra, paired with a pair of large gray and pink plaid, fleece capri pajama pants (and it was warm out there); tan golden-toed ballet flats (work shoes), my hair was still damp from a shower, and smashed from laying on a pillow, no makeup, but looking much like a crack whore with my eyeliner smeared under my eyes, and 4% on my iPhone’s battery.

I felt like a 31 year-old mother running away from home, yet it was less thought out than the 10 year-old me, or even the 17 year-old me (true story, but I used four garbage bags for all of my clothing, and I don’t think I made it out the door, too many materialistic objects I needed in 2004).

No, I didn’t create an ice storm in Covington, nor did I belt out “Let It Go”, and no way did I go near the woods, because I was obviously afraid of the dark, contrary to what you may think when I began this story.

My husband sent me a few messages telling me, calmly, to come back so we could communicate and talk things out. I ignored. I made my way down to the park. I know that place so well, from being there so often, running the trail almost daily, assessing it and living in the community for thirty years. I told myself I’d sit in a pavilion, think things over, calm myself down. Instead, I sat down on the edge of a picnic table, tense, and replayed the last sentence he said to me over and over, again, and naturally, became more furious.

Then being there maybe 30 seconds, I heard the rustling of leaves behind me and didn’t know if it was the wind or the stray cats I’ve seen in the park at night, I decided to move on. I walked now, like a total freak (don’t worry we’re both thinking this), to the tennis courts and sat on a bench. Again, I couldn’t relax because I literally couldn’t see but a few feet in front of me. This time I sat for maybe 7 minutes, just breathing and listening to the night sky. It was a beautiful night. An insect, I’d guess a Cicada but I’m not Entomologist, began a high pitched buzzing noise right behind me, and I knew for sure, at that moment, I was going to die in the city park that night.

I casually got up, and began walking, ever so quickly, back to my house. My husband was standing outside and embraced me when I returned. Trying to play the ‘tough and fearless card;, even though I was shaking in my golden-toed shoes, I told him I wasn’t back to chat, I was only there for the bathroom and a change of shoes. But we both knew that wasn’t true. Oh, Ego, how different our lives could be if you’d get your crap together.

After ten years of living together, you’d think we’d know each other well enough to avoid these tiffs but I think it’s the Gemini in me, poking at the crab, over and over, again.

Crazy Wife Tip #16 - You may want to reconsider your pajama-wardrobe.

Crazy Wife Tip #17 - You may want to back a runaway bag by the door; include make-up, a mini-flat iron; iPhone charger, and money.

I love my husband. Relationships, of any sort, are hard work. They do require communication. A lot of communication. Let me rephrase that, a lot of ‘EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION’.

My husband and I are honestly a fantastic team. I did end up helping him on the little house. Sure, he doesn’t trust me with a saw, but he did trust me enough to paint which is a big step. I even put together a little bookshelf (we didn’t use because it was awful) but I feel like I could be a happy little builder if I was given some instruction. Like I said, I love to create.

Parenting Tip, #39 Social Media is your friend.

Say that with me, “Social Media is my friend.” Sure, I thought it was a tad bit crazy that my oldest daughter’s friends were adding me as a friend on Instagram when they were 10 years old, but then I figured out this was clearly an advantage point for Momma.

Snapchat may seem daunting and some days I wish they had a filter to fix my hair, too, but just do yourself a favor and download it. Add your child. See their location. See their story. You will learn so much. You will also find a way to inspire or humiliate them. Just yesterday, I added a “snap” (trendy word, I know), to “my story”, of my daughter’s filthy room “she cleaned”, after the four of her friends left the house. My caption, “Does this look clean to you?” Friends saw it, she saw it. Motivation in pure form.

As you may recall there are very few things that are no permitted in our home, those being Cocaine, Heroine, Marijuana, (I’m kidding)... Slime or any Slime-like materials including but not limited to Gak, Commercial or DIY (self-manufactured) Slime, Play-doh, Molding Clay, Gum, or any goopy substance that sticks to flooring, carpeting, bed linens, and hair; or any substances utilizing glue, contact solution, glitter, borax, without adult consent and supervision.

Molding Clay was just added because it’s “not slime” and they were using my food coloring to color it last week after purchasing it from the Dollar General Store. Apparently, after walking into my daughter’s room mid-morning and noticing a crap-like substance under her pillow (clearly molding clay or poop), the memo hasn’t been taken seriously.

So, my next “Story” may have to ask, “Poop or Clay? Asking for a friend, ”with a photograph of her bed linens. Parent for the win.

Another incriminating perk of Snapchat was when my daughter refused to wear a new crop sweatshirt she received for her birthday, to school. It was all rainbows and unicorns until she went to sixth grade this year, now it’s let’s take fabulous care of our hygiene (which is fantastic, I’m not complaining) wear some makeup, and have a social life. Unicorns are now for babies, except within the privacy of our own home. So, of course, Momma wore the “Unicorn Squad” crop-top sweatshirt this morning, to drop by Juli’s and to drop off the youngest two in the carline, and saved that to my story with the one-liner, “Hey Reis.”

Clearly, if your child is humiliated by the things you do, this would crush them, Reis doesn’t care. She truly doesn’t. Just as she didn’t care when my sister and I decided to sing “Hit Me Baby One More Time” to her, at her birthday party. She rolls with it. I love that about her.

If Monday had a hashtag, it could possibly be #manicmonday #murdermonday #makingmylifemiserablemonday - if Monday had a face it would be a mom of 31, with three children, in her Unicorn Squad, crop sweatshirt, no makeup, a snotty nose and raspy voice, cubs socks, and stretchy pants that were too tight, naturally frizzy hair that hadn’t been dried before bed, creating an 80′s throwback look, with a broken Bowflex, and 13 other tasks to complete before, hightailing it downtown to work. “A little bit classy, a little bit trashy” is my Mantra Monday, especially after completing the 6th overindulgent weekend, in a row, and knowing if I wore slacks to work, on my bicycle, they may rip out at any moment. So, I tossed on a LuLaRoe Dress, took a hair-tye and without googling how to tie it up, just wadded the corner in a fat wad, and went with it. Tossed on some stretchy shorts, because it’s probably highly inappropriate to wear a dress on a bike, anyway, tossed makeup on, ran the flat iron of my hair a few times, and boom, I’m ready to face the rest of this Monday, head on.

My husband spoke sound words to our son, this morning. Jude had his iPad propped up at the breakfast bar situated next to his plate of pancakes and bacon. “Dad, cut these up.”, as my son pushed the plate toward my husband, in the kitchen, still fixing eggs and hash browns. “Son, if you can navigate an iPad, you can cut up your own pancakes.” So much truth spoken at the breakfast table.

We all have days and weeks like this. But honestly, it can only go up from here. Bring it on, Monday morning. I’m ready.

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thydungeon · 7 years ago

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The Fear in Review: Bonebreaker

I don’t think there’s as much to write about this one because it doesn’t have the same visceral reaction as RSVP did, although it probably bothers me a lot more.

Per my landlord, I’m currently sitting in an antique chair; it is mostly made of solid wood, does not shake or creak terribly, and has a nice wicker seat with a blue cushion sitting on top of it (the landlord added the cushion). It doesn’t have very much lumbar support at all and more or less pushes your upper back forward, seemingly leaving space for your lower back to slouch.

Normally, I wouldn’t care about these things and I didn’t for the first 25 years of my life, but now my back aches every now and then and, per someone’s convincing, I’m finally starting to pay more attention to my posture. It’s not my parents, no, who had spent somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 years telling me to sit up and stand up straight, but better late than never.

Louis CK planted the seeds of this fear. I’ve never really witnessed long term physical pain in my family because my parents never complain (although I did hear that my dad had back issues, but that’s unsurprising given a 40 year career in manual labor). However, after almost three years of semi-careless lifting at the gym, I’ve finally worked my way to a vague back injury.

When I was in high school, I ran around the neighborhood in order to shed weight gained from eating food like an idiot. I always ran on pavement with shitty tennis shoeless, a heavy heel strike, and no attention to posture or gait. Obviously, after a few months of any running regimen, I would have pain in my knees, hip, or shins, and I would have to stop for a while. The pain would go away, and I could start up again months later, at least until the pain came back. It was always something different each time I ran, which made it like playing the lottery for injuring yourself.

Thankfully, a friend of mine in my college recommended getting good shoes and having a midfoot strike; this combination certainly made things better, but by then I had really concluded that I just hated running and that I would try to find other ways to lose weight (i.e. just eating less food and walking everywhere).

The summer after college, I went on a road trip that consisted of hiking on more days than not, and I lost pretty much all the extra weight around then and have since kept it off or otherwise gained it back healthily through exercise. Of course, since I’m a cheapskate, I’ve never really sought any of kind of professional assistance in developing technique, so it’s a wonder I haven’t injured myself yet.

Actually, that’s not true - about a year ago, the incline bench press was taken, so I decided to use dumbbells. Unfortunately, my arms were already shot by then, so I couldn’t lift the weights correcty, the weight came back down, and I hyperextended my shoulder. Not really sure if “hyperextend” is the right word, but the point is that the weight forced my shoulder beyond its comfort zone. It took about 6 months of half-assing workouts for the shoulder to recover and I’m still not crazy about doing shoulder presses.

This is a lot of back story for what is a simple fear highlighted by Louis CK - injuries won’t get better, they’ll stay injured and you have to live with it for the rest of your life. Is this how opioid addiction starts? People get injured, get prescribed painkillers, and then can’t stay off them? This probably isn’t going to end well.

Anyway, I’ll try to sit up and stand more straight (or at least stop slouching so horribly), stretch my back more often, and maybe try doing bent over rows.

#rambling #the fear in review #season 3

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apelafas-blog · 8 years ago

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Time is flying ✈️

It's been awhile!! Sorry friends I've been so busy and caught up in Australia I've forgot to post what has been going on the last couple weeks. So much happens each day that I could write a blog for each day... unfortunately I don't have the time for that. I will try to catch you up on what has happened the last couple weeks. I'm sure I will forget things because so much happens! To start things off, I have began to settle in and I'm feeling like I am a resident of Australia. I feel like I am living here full-time and that teaching here is just what I will be doing forever... unfortunately, I only have three more weeks of teaching at this wonderful school after the break. I am getting ready to start the two week holiday and when I get back I will have my homestretch of student teaching in Australia. :/ I still I'm getting up pretty early and arriving to school about 30 minutes early so I can start prepping for the day. The last couple weeks I have spent time with students and play basketball with the kids until about 5 o'clock every day after school. They really enjoy playing with me and think I am really good, which is funny because back home I am not great. It is also still very weird while we are playing basketball they call me sir when asking for the ball or when we choose teams.. still haven't gotten used to it haha I have found that many of my students are fascinated with the NBA and often asked me many questions about players and teams. The students get a lunch and recess break two separate times during the day that are both 25 minutes long, which I have spoken about in previous blog posts. Last week the staff decided to take on the juniors and seniors and a basketball game during their recess. The students absolutely loved it they would be in teams of five and every time we would score a basket a new team of students would come into play. The staff only lost one game, so we were feeling pretty good. During the last game it was time to clean up so everyone started a countdown while we had the ball. I got the ball passed to me when the students were chanting "3..2..1" and I drilled a very deep three "at the buzzer." The students went wild and I thought it was hilarious because I banked the shot. They all think I'm good now because of that play lol! So The least I could say is I am having fun while teaching here at John Forrest and I am learning a lot from the staff and students. I enjoy myself each day and I don't even know which. It is at times because I'm having so much fun while teaching. The students are great, they really want to participate in sports and they love competition. This makes my job a lot easier, I just have to have set expectations and have content prepared for my students each day. The physical education department is even better than what I could've ever expected. Out of the 11+ people in the department, all of them have been there to help me and guide me to be a successful teacher. They are all a very fun time and we make jokes a lot, but know when to be serious. Outside of just spending time with them in the office and while I teach, I have been fortunate enough to experience going to a sports tournament for netball, participated in a professional development activity where we learned fun tennis games for coping with having a small space and lots of students, and I have been able to spend time with them outside of school. On the final day of school before the holiday, all of the phys ed department met up at a nice coffee shop in town and we had breakfast before school. That same day after the students left at 3 o'clock, a bunch teachers in the school met up in the art room for food and drinks to celebrate finishing the term. This went on for a couple hours and I was able to meet many different teachers from other departments in the school. It was a great social event to be a part of! One of the teachers took me to a day long netball tournament during school on a Wednesday to help supervise. I was able to skip school that day and watch girls from seventh eighth and ninth grade participate in a daylong netball tournament. This was a good experience for me because I have to teach this topic in class and I had never heard of netball before coming to Australia. It was also a great experience to watch some of my students compete in athletics. I had to squeeze on a bus with seventh and eighth grade girls for a 45 minute long trip to the tournament. This consisted of Hannah Montana, T-Pain, and any recent pop song you can think of playing very loud with 45 girls signing their hearts out. It was amusing and I found myself laughing because some of the songs they were listening to I listen to in the sixth and seventh grade while in America. I guess somethings don't change LOL Another sport that I had never heard of before coming to Australia is the AFL. The AFL stands for the Australian football league. This sport kind of reminds me of rugby and you score by Ponting a rugby type all through something similar to a field goal post. If you really want to know the rules I suggest you get on YouTube because it's a little confusing at first ha ha. Anyways, I have been very lucky and I have been taken to two of these games. This is equivalent to an NFL game for Australians, meaning this is a professional sport with many diehard fans. The first time I went to the game with a lady named Janet, a friend of my host family. She had amazing seats that were three rows back from the grass the athletes were playing on. It was a great experience to watch a new game with such great seats, however I felt bad for the diehard fans around me because it was the opening day for their team and they got crushed bad. The Fremantle Dockers is the name of the team I am talking about, you will find a sea of purple in the stadium because that is their main color. The team has struggled the last two seasons and I think they only had one home win last year. The week after I watched the home opener, the dockers lost again by like 80 points… It was another sad game for the dockers. One of the staff in the department invited me to come watch another dockers game with him the following weekend. He had seats in the upper deck, which was a completely different experience because I could watch the tactics and see the players out on the field from a completely different angle. The dockers were playing the team that won the championship the previous year, and not a lot of fans seem to have A lot of faith, expect for Mark my friend and coworker who brought me to the game. The dockers started the game out by going up a couple of goals, the game was back-and-forth all the way until the fourth quarter when the doctors scored a late goal to pull away for the win. The atmosphere in the stadium was completely different than the first game when they were blown out, people chanting, music blaring.. it was a great experience. I never thought I would be on my toes for an Australian football game, but when they scored the last goal I was up jumping around with the rest of the fans. I am heading out tomorrow for a 13 day trip through Western Australia. I will be stopping at different beaches and national parks while staying in tents and hostels. I am very excited for this trip because I am going to see some beautiful places and will be able to explore the entire west coast of Australia. I will be hiking through deserts and mountains and I will also be able to see you beautiful beaches. The trip last nine days to get to a city named Broome. I will stay in a hostel three nights after I arrive in Broome and I will hang out on cable beach which is very well known and popular place. I then will hop on a plane Sunday night and get back home to Perth. Then after that I have three weeks left of teaching and trying to do I as much as I possibly can before I head out to America again. I know I have forgot to talk about a few things because so much has happened in the last few weeks, but all I can say is I have learned so much about myself and this trip has been great for me as a teacher and a person. I won't have much service the next few weeks while on this trip so I will make a post when I get back. I should have lots of pictures and videos to share. Thanks for reading and stay tuned… Aric

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far-off-flower-fields · 4 years ago

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Don’t mind me just find more random questions to answer to distract me until I’m tired enough to sleep.

How many times each morning do you press the snooze button? I don’t usually have to set alarms these days.

What time of day do you like to shower? Night

When you go out to eat, what sides do your order with your food? Usually no sides because I’m not rich and if I have to pick between a side and a dessert I will get dessert.

What do you spend more money than necessary on? I’m bad with money, toys probably, or clothes. I buy second hand, but I shouldn’t be buying anything that isn’t specifically planned in advance right now since I need to save to move.

What video game or computer game are you best at? I’m really bad at games, so maybe Sims 4 or something. I like games, I play them when I have the energy, I just really suck.

How do you normally come across new music? Spotify, sometimes my Fiance.

What do you keep your keys on? A turtle keyring.

Is your favorite color different than your favorite color to wear? Not really, I wear a lot of pastel colours, and they’re my favourites. Although I also wear neutrals and black if I’m doing a different look since my wardrobe is like 4-in-1 because I’m a million people at once.

Do you buy books or get them from the library? I used to read all the time, I’d go to the library and hire like 7 books and go through a book a day. Now I can’t concentrate so I just don’t read. I have several books in my posession that I need to read though if I ever get better.

What section of the food pyramid do you neglect the most? I say fuck the food pyramid.

Do you check PostSecret weekly? I have no idea what that even is.

What do you use your stovetop for most? Sitting things on. Or pasta. I made hokey-pokey the other month though to use up the last of the syrup someone bought.

Do you notice the impact of the economic recession? Yes, I saw so many posts on Gumtree of people having to give up their pets for financial reasons and it was really heart breaking.

Would you enjoy living somewhere where it's sunny all the time? Absolutely not. The sun gives me headaches and migraines.

What is it that you always seem to lose? My will to live xD Honestly though I lose like everything because I have to keep my entire life in a single room of my parents house rn.

Have you ever broken any bones? One, because I couldn’t handle the thought of going to work. I’m more prone to tendon damage.

What is your winter coat like? Which one? I have a mint green one which is waterproof and fluffy inside, I have a brown duffle coat one that flares out a bit, and I have a grey long coat. I also had to declare bankruptcy.

Do you keep dirty clothes in a hamper, or on the floor? Both, I have a system.

Which decade's music do you like best?: I can’t pick.

Can you focus on studying if there's music on? Yes, as well as I can really focus in general.

In what types of situations do you demand absolute silence? When I have a migraine or sensory overload.

Did you do well at fitness testing in grade school? NO. PE is the only class I failed.

If you had to choose a wardrobe to steal, who's would you pick? No, I have worked hard on mine to get it to the point its at.

If you had to pick one thing to bring back from the 90's, what would it be? Most of that stuff has already come back in one form or another, or never really gone away. Like you can get the toys second hand, furby has been rereleased like 3 times, clothes you can also still get second hand and the styles are pretty easy to copy anyway.

What about the 80's? Same as above.

Do you share any of your music taste with your parents? I share parts of my music taste with pretty much everyone, I have a really varied music taste, there isn’t a single genre I can say that I hate all of, there are ones I’m fairly unfamiliar with but I always loved music so I like a lot of it.

Could your parents tell when you would fake sick? I was sent in whether I was sick or not so there was no point in even trying. Only way I was allowed off was if I literally threw up in front of them which didn’t happen much, or the few occasions where my allergies gave me conjunctivitis.

Do you own more shoes or less shoes than the average person? More.

Do you still have anything from when you were a baby? I have a Quasimodo plushie that I had when I was like 3. My parents always threw everything away or gave it away so I don’t even really have baby pictures, except like one I got from my grandparents place when they died.

Are there any stores that send you e-mail newsletters? A couple, but that’s just from buying things in the past.

Do you think people overuse the word "random"? Now not so much, but back in the 00s and early 10s it was used a lot more.

How often do you floss? Never, my teeth are a bit overcrowded so I can’t fit the floss in without pain and bleeding.

Do you use hairspray much? Never, I used it for a couple of stage shows I was in when I was a lot younger and that was about it.

Who is your favorite painter? I don’t really have one because there are so many, if I’m picking out of just the really famous ones then either Monet or Van Gogh.

Are art museums interesting or boring to you? Interesting

What subject in school do you feel is the least necessary? PE needs significant changes to be at all worth the cost of running it. Once I hit my 20s I found out that there actually are some physical activities that I enjoy and missed out on. I think they should make it more free-form, if the concern really is health then surely letting people find and do the fitness tasks that work for them is better. If I’d been brought into a gym with actual gym equipment and they explained, okay, this does this, and this does this, try things out with a spotter and see what you like and what works for you, I’d have been much better of and have had some degree of physical fitness by now. They could also have offered option modules where instead of forcing everyone to do the same shit they let you pick, then I’d have been able to do yoga and dance and skipped out on the team sports they were pushing that literally lead to so much bullying and injuries because it’s about being competitive so they can send they sport inclined kids off to do competitions and win the school more money for the sports department and it’s a big nasty cycle of, damage some kids in favour of others, and lie to them all while making it compulsory for several years. Sorry this is a big ol’ sore spot with me because it is hugely indicative of many of the issues with many school systems in general, and while kidding on it’s for the youth, is actually just hurting them. FUCK.

When you were a kid, what games did you always play on the playground? I had like two modes, there was the days where people would play with me and we’d mash-up characters from the shows/movies we were watching (mostly charmed, totally spies, and xmen) and play as them in this whole made up world. Other days I’d walk around the tennis court trying to stay on the lines if it was empty or I’d just walk around the school daydreaming.

Do you enjoy power outages or do you get annoyed? I’m scared of the dark so I’m more afraid than annoyed. If I’m in the right situation it can be okay, but I never am because I don’t live with my Fiance and we can never afford candles.

Do you know how to use an ATM? Yes.

How about write a check? No.

Are you in to your heritage much? Sort of, not of my specific family, but Scotland’s cultural history and the like is interesting.

Are you pretty politically correct? I resent that term, it’s like the term “cancelled” where some brat decided to make it into something controversial to be nice, and considerate, and tactful, or to hold others accountable and expect them to hold themselves accountable. These are basic things you should be doing, do you need to use slurs? NO what are you losing by not using them? Nothing. What are you gaining by using them? Nothing. We gain nothing as a society by being intentionally offensive or winding folk up. You’re not thought provoking, we already came to the conclusion that certain things are shit, the next step isn’t to continue with your jokes, it’s to stop that shit and do the right thing to the best of your ability. FFS what does it cost people to just be nice? NOTHING.

What is one fashion trend you'll never understand? Some of the shoes the now are, lumpy and weird? Like they stick out in places I can’t imagine being practical. Also mullets.

What do you wear when you exercise? Ummmm depends what I was wearing immediately beforehand, if it’s fine then I just stick with that since I don’t do anything especially heavy-duty. If it’s not, I just grab some sort of top and shorts or leggings, whatever I put my hand on first honestly. A lot of the time I’m just wearing onesies with little monsters all over and they’ll do the job so I just stay in them.

What is usually the last thing you do before you go to bed? It varies, sometimes I put on some rain sounds or something. The only consistent thing is that I have to go to the loo whether I need to or not, that’s one of those things I assumed literally everyone did but it turns out they don’t and I just held onto the methods that were used to toilet train me as a bub xD If I’m alone I also have a system I have to use to check the doors are locked or I can’t sleep and have to get back up to check, but I don’t have the house to myself that often so...

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pisati · 6 years ago

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it’s always such a relief to come home after having to spend time with family. I’m just straight back in the door, shoes off, straight upstairs, back into pajamas. sometimes I’ll just sit on the floor and take a minute to appreciate the quiet.

it wasn’t all that bad today, just really uncomfortable. mom’s boyfriend came with us to grandma’s and he’s really good about my family being so nuts. at least he doesn’t have to deal with them much.

I was glad there were things there that I would eat. it was a very small menu but I didn’t need to special order anything; almost everything was something I’d eat. for once. french toast with various toppings, bagels, potatoes, vegan sausage and eggs and whatnot.. yeah. it’s nice to be able to feel semi-normal about food. despite getting asked if I was sure I didn’t want sausage, because it wasn’t actually meat since it was vegan... it’s meant to taste like meat. if I wanted it I’d have asked for it.

mom asked me if I’d take a picture of everyone together and I obliged. she made some comment about how she knew I wouldn’t want to be in it anyway, and I said something along the lines of “thank you for finally accepting that, because I’ve only ever just said no”. she gave me some face. her boyfriend took her phone after and told me to get on over there so he could get a picture of all of us, and I said “nope.” and sat back down. of course the “come onnnn let’s take a picture” followed as it always does, despite mom’s “no, she won’t...”, and I just said “I said no.” I’m used to having to stand my ground much more firmly over pictures so I think he was a little taken aback, but that was that. my aunt, of course: “you know, you used to be in pictures all the time. you used to love it”. yeah, when I was five maybe. people change.

“your hair’s getting longer.” “yeah, I’m trying to grow it back out.” “good. I like it this way. I didn’t like it so short.” “well, I did.”

and grandma going on about how we’re so beautiful, how she wanted to show off her family to everyone, how she was disappointed that despite being right next to the door where everyone would go in and out she wanted everyone to see how beautiful we are. asking my mom if “the little girl wants any more to eat”, because I’m still 2 years old apparently and only capable of communicating my wants and needs through my mother. I guess I can’t get too upset because she’s always been like this and she’s got a lot of issues, but it’s still annoying to deal with. kind of like my dad. felt wrong to be upset, but it was still really stressful for me.

mom’s boyfriend was asked about his kids and he talked about his two older sons and their jobs and then mentioned his 24-year-old son who’s.. “living at home. playing video games. trying to figure himself out”, he said in a way that indicated he had some feelings about it he didn’t care to share. mom kind of glanced at me, my aunt said something about kids needing to learn how to go out and just work, because some people aren’t lucky enough to be able to live at home and ‘laze around’, and I contributed to that conversation with “well, it’s not always so easy. I’m kind of in that boat right now too; I don’t know what I want. but mom knows I’m not trying to live with her forever, and I just need a little time so I can get my feet under me”. mom smiled and said she knew. some jokes about kicking me out in a few months. “I’m not a bad kid, I just don’t have it all figured out yet.” “I know, sweetie”.

an uneventful car ride home. mom’s new car has a satellite radio trial, and I reminded her of when we’d listen to pearl jam radio in rental cars back in the day; found the station and at least got to listen to that the rest of the way. I don’t remember what else they talked about. tennis maybe.

I didn’t think I’d need a nap until I started crashing. mom snapped at me over the trash I still need to take downstairs; I’ve forgotten a number of times and every time I remember my hands are full. I wonder if she’s ever noticed that I distance myself from her as long as I can every time she snaps at me.

I’ve had a chance lately to read back on some very old blog posts and it was kind of weird to get a glance back into the person I was 8-9 years ago. I didn’t remember a lot of the terms I used for high school-related things; PALS for spanish testing (a word that used to inspire a lot of dread; I’m pretty sure it was oral exams, which I’ve always hated), interims (the grade check-ups we’d get during the quarter between report cards, and we’d have to get them signed by a parent if they were bad), hell, even quarters (the year divided into 4 grading periods). I wrote a lot about my day; school, my frustrations with homework and classwork. some vagueposting about boys I liked; of course. my frustrations about feeling invisible. trying to deal best I could with my mom.

she’d set the internet to time out around 10pm so I’d write blog posts on Notepad and copy/paste them the next day. I read back over a story about one day when she’d gotten super pissed at me for not cleaning my room, and she’d taken my laptop for the weekend. she’d given me “til the end of the day”, but I’ve never been one to start on anything til nighttime, and she was well aware of that by then. I was on my computer and literally about to get up and start cleaning when she came in and started snapping at me. I pointed out that there were still a few hours left in the day, me using midnight as the gauge, and she’d said “well I’m going to bed, so it’s the end of the day”. made me give her my laptop. I wasn’t that upset about it, because it was just for the weekend and at that point I was already used to her taking my things for longer periods, but I was upset enough that I didn’t even bother cleaning. I’d woken up to some noises, and rolled over to find her in my room, digging around in the clutter on my desk. she was apparently looking for “her ipod” (the ipod dad found in a car at work that nobody claimed, but mom claimed it as hers once he gave it to us). I don’t remember the exact things she called me that time from that particular post, but across posts “obnoxious” “lazy” “stupid” and “bitch” featured, so I’m sure a few of those came up. I think she may have even told me she was keeping my laptop for a week, which upset me more because I had classwork I needed to do. after she left, I looked at the clock to see it was 6am. I knew I’d knocked the ipod off my desk in the night and knew mom hadn’t seen it, so I picked it up and apparently put on the chili peppers. cried myself back to sleep. mom and my brother and dad left without me later in the morning. we were going to get our passport pictures taken; I guess that was the summer we were going to Rome? and mom had barely given me a chance to wake up. they just left without me. apparently they’d forgotten something though, and came back and I guess begrudgingly picked me up. I’m sure more punishments ensued because she hadn’t given me any more time, though I did apparently shove my clothes into my closet and pick up a few other things. maybe 50% better, I’d said. but I’d written about being beside myself, thinking I’d be failing my classes because I didn’t have my laptop and I wouldn’t even get to go to Rome because I wouldn’t have a passport, and all this bullshit... over not picking up my room when she said to. she was apparently a real bitch to me over the dishes too, even back then.

I understand when you’re stressed from work and cooking dinner every night and your kids seem too lazy to put a plate in the dishwasher; that would piss me off too. but her punishments did nothing but make me afraid of her. and she went way overboard over little things. I kind of understand a messy room, but not really. her reasoning was “it’s my house”. she didn’t want a mess in her house, therefore I had to keep my room immaculate. I wasn’t a slob like she made me out to be, I was just cluttered. also she raised me a near-hoarder like herself. she never regularly got rid of anything. I had way more than I ever needed, wanted, or even really appreciated. not to say I was a brat about it, I tried to appreciate everything I had, but I was just inundated with things and was never taught how to part with things that I didn’t need. I couldn’t even keep track of everything I had. mom still has clothes from the 80s hung up in one of her closets; she has two fucking closets and both of them are filled with clothes. both dressers filled with clothes. two closets downstairs with racks of her shoes. and she’d get pissed at me for having too much (that she bought me??) and not being able to keep track of it all or keep it organized. cleaning my room was often a multi-day venture because it could get so bad, and I didn’t have room for everything. I was put into this situation where I was never taught how to clean and organize all the Stuff I’d managed to accumulate over my life and then punished disproportionately for being a kind of messy teenager. and it was never just that.

I’d written about how she promised we could get a dog. we’d even put in an application at a rescue or something. I was promising so much because I wanted a dog so badly, and apparently the words “no kid should be deprived of a dog” actually came out of my mother’s mouth; a thing I’d latched onto that I couldn’t imagine her ever saying today. she’d already seemed to change her mind once, but I thought I fixed it. then one day she snapped at me to put my dishes in the dishwasher. I had a few left somewhere (not sure where I was piling up dishes back then?); apparently I’d done some and gotten distracted but I was going to get back to them. but that wasn’t good enough. suddenly no more dog. she’d just flip over nothing. and these were major things too; a dog, she let me think I wasn’t going to Rome, she told me I couldn’t go to my junior homecoming even though I’d already bought my ticket and a dress [and had a date she didn’t know about]... and she’d hold these things she knew I wanted over my head. apparently Maroon 5 was touring that year and I told her I wanted tickets to go with my friend. she’d used that to get me to do what she wanted too. even then I wrote about how I didn’t want to tell her anything anymore. I didn’t want to tell her about anything I was looking forward to or excited about because she would hold it over my head or take it away and I just wanted her to give me my time to get things done. I wasn’t a bad kid. I never was. I wasn’t trying to be lazy or spite her by making a mess of “her house”, I would clean when I got the urge to, and dishes would make their way back to the sink eventually. but it wasn’t ever good enough for her. even then I couldn’t keep up with her timeline and her need for a spotless house. I’d written about that too.

that also explains why, when she told me she might buy me a cello, I wanted to give her all $200 I had at the time so it wouldn’t be all hers. I wanted some foothold; something even partly mine that she couldn’t take away as punishment. I thought I was losing it sometimes when she’d take my laptop and my phone, but once I picked it up cello became my saving grace. when she and my brother would leave I’d take out the cello she was renting for me and practice and it would calm me down from whatever I was upset about. it was grounding and soothing and I held it so close to my heart; it was something that I’d taught myself, something that felt like my own. I loved it more than anything. if I’d have had my own and she’d tried to take it away... I don’t even want to think about what I’d have done.

the thing is... punishment never worked. she’d take things away from me and yell at me and call me such awful things and it never made me any less “lazy”. it never made me want to do more for her. it made me want to stop telling her about anything I enjoyed. anything in my life period. I never knew what she’d manage to hold over my head, but it felt like anything was game. it made me afraid. I’d written about one day in particular, can’t remember what happened, but I’d gone to the basement to be with my guinea pigs and cry it out and I was fucking terrified hearing her footsteps on the floor above me. I’m sure I was praying I wouldn’t hear them coming down the stairs. not because I was afraid she’d hurt me; I just wanted her to leave me alone. I didn’t want any more taken away, I didn’t want to be called any more awful things, I didn’t want her yelling at me. I’d had enough that day. I’d written that I felt like I was going insane. I was already stressed from school and everything else going on that 15-year-olds have going on and my mom really was the icing on the cake. scratch that; she was the cake.

barely 15 and I was writing about how I couldn’t wait to graduate high school when I’d pretty much only just gotten there. I wanted to be done with it so I could go to college and be away from her. I didn’t find it on this blog in particular, but I remember an old post of mine somewhere where she’d been particularly awful to me over something, possibly not practicing drawing exactly when she demanded; I was going to apply for interior design programs, many of which were in art schools, and I had never taken any art classes but I needed a portfolio to apply. an art teacher mom got to tutor me a little recommended I practice certain shapes and whatnot and mom would force me to sit down at the dining room table and practice, regardless of if I wanted to or not. I’d written something along the lines of “I’m going to be the best damn interior designer anyone’s ever seen and then she’ll be sorry she was so mean to me”. I’m sure she’d told me I’d never get into art school because I wouldn’t practice when she wanted me to. or at least my heart wasn’t in it. I was so angry. I knew I could’ve been a great interior designer, but I wanted to do it myself. not because she forced me to. I wasn’t going to give her credit for my hard work, but I wanted to work when I wanted to. I wanted to get away and stay away and make something of myself by myself and I wanted her to regret ever being like that to me. 15 years old.

I don’t remember much of this; I had to go back and read about it. I do remember some things now that I’m reminded, and I’m also remembering how stressed I really was. one of my friends once asked her to let up on me; I think my mom had driven her home once after she’d come over and my poor friend casually mentioned to my mom that I was really, really stressed so could she maybe take it easier on me? my dad had to do that too. I hated being at school and feeling so invisible (especially towards the end of it), but it was my safe haven away from home. I was a teenager. I had a lot of feelings and a lot of things happening, but my mom was honestly one of my biggest stressors. not college. not my crushes. not homework or projects. my mom.

I can’t imagine having a kid and treating them the way she treated me. thinking back, it really wasn’t okay. I wouldn’t call it abuse, but I do remember thinking back then if there was any way I could classify it that way. if there was someone I could call on her without looking like a bratty kid who didn’t get her way so she called the authorities claiming child abuse. technically she hadn’t done anything wrong, and in fact she was doing everything else that a parent should do. cooking dinner, buying us everything we needed and a lot of what we wanted, not actually hitting us [well... mostly]. once or twice I’d gone to the school counselor about her but they weren’t really the people I needed to talk to. they didn’t know what to do, but I also didn’t have anywhere else to go. after I froze up during a spanish speaking exam my freshman year, mom took me to a therapist, then promptly stopped once she figured out I was using the time to vent about her. I’m sure the therapist knew there was nothing actually wrong with me; I was just shy and I had a moment when I was put on the spot. I don’t like speaking when people tell me to. I become hyperaware of everything I say down to how I say it and I hate it. I remember one meeting with the therapist where mom was in the room with me and they’d tried to get us to talk; this was at least 10 years ago so I barely remember, but I do remember mom getting all teary over something or other and I was just sitting there stone-faced. sometimes it’d feel like she was putting on a show for people but I knew what she was like when there was no one else around.

it’s weird suddenly being so aware of what your parents and even your family considers “normal”. I’m reminded of being in New York for my grandpa’s funeral last year, and sitting in the closed-in patio at the hotel with my mom, brother, cousins, maybe some of the aunts and uncles, and grandma. my half-cousin came by with two of her daughters on the way to.. I guess dance class and a birthday party? one of the kids must’ve been around 5, the other maybe 2? the older one was much more talkative, because she already knew grandma and most of the cousins. the younger one was of course more shy; she’d never met most of us and somehow we all knew her name. but my half-cousin was trying to get her to go up and hug grandma; her great-grandma, but of course this didn’t mean anything to her, because she was 2. someone might have even picked her up and brought her over to give grandma a hug, and she started crying. she was already being really avoidant, and then she was being pushed even further to do something she clearly didn’t want to do. that felt way too familiar to me, and I honestly felt pretty mad about it. that moment still stands out to me and I almost wish I’d said something in the moment. my family did that to me too. they see it as normal. I could never do that to my kid, ever. if they were in obvious distress I could never push them. not for something like that. I know what it’s like, and I hate it. even at 2 years old, kids have their own brains. maybe their thoughts and feelings don’t make much sense, but if they don’t want to hug a strange old lady, to the point where they start crying, you don’t fucking force them to. even if they can’t or won’t say no, they’re still acting in a way that says no. that’s what I used to do too. body language is a way of speaking; no is no. I don’t know what’s so hard for people to understand about that. I really fucking don’t. some things you need to just suck up and do, even if you don’t want to. when it’s something stupid like that? like giving someone a hug or being in a picture or whatever? it literally doesn’t matter. it blows my mind that even my own family can’t respect what people want or don’t want.

I don’t really know why I feel like venting about my mom again. about my whole family. it’ll come up now and again and it’s the same things. it’s hard for me to remember now, since it’s been almost 7 years now since I started college and was able to get away. I felt so much better once I could be on my own. live on my own terms. that was all I wanted to begin with. I learned how to downsize; I recognized I had too much and I learned how to part with things and use up what I had before I went buying more; of course I have to be more disciplined with that, but I’m getting better. I learned how to organize the way I wanted to. I’d get to my dishes when I got to them, because the “mess” didn’t bother me. I know my clutter is just clutter and when it bothers me I clean it. I know I do feel more put-together when I feel more organized, so I want to do it more. my cleanliness standards aren’t nearly as high as my mom’s, but they’re not that low either. I’m just not bothered by little things on the carpet or dust on the furniture. I think she stresses herself out more than she needs to by keeping her standards at model-home levels.

I guess I can’t ask her to lower her standards, but I really wish she’d have let up on me because I couldn’t keep up with them. the messiness of my room didn’t affect her in any way. her room was on the opposite end of our old house; she didn’t have to come near my room if she didn’t want to. people weren’t coming through the house looking at all the rooms and judging her personally. if anyone ever came over they didn’t come upstairs. I never made the entire house a “mess”; at least not after I grew up. she did have some issues getting me and my brother to clean the room she’d designated as a toy room in our old house in Maryland, and often the mess would stretch out into the living room because we’d bring toys out to play in there too. not my fault she bought us so much crap and never made us part with anything. even now; the upstairs storage closet has a whole section of shelving that could be so useful for plenty of things, but it’s full, bottom to top, with our old board games that we haven’t touched in years. I want to get rid of a lot of it, but mom refuses to. I’m sure my brother wants to keep it too; he just told us today that, after we were reminded of this old button-up Yu-Gi-Oh shirt he had in elementary school, he wanted to keep it, and he’d make his future kid wear it. I told him he’d better prepare to pay for his kid��s therapy bills; it’s a really bad shirt, lmao. like....... I guess I get wanting to keep some things for your future kids. games are nice; it’s nice to have memories that you can share with your kids. but on the other side of that coin, by the time you have a kid of your own, there’ll be plenty of other things you can buy for them. personally I’d rather give my kid something that would mean something to them than force things that maybe meant something to me onto them. it would be cool if my kid shared my interests and I’d be thrilled to share those with them; like if I had a kid and we played a board game I had when I was a kid and they loved it, that’d be pretty neat. but I at least would respect that my kid would be their own person regardless and I honestly feel a little uncomfortable about having them do or wear things just because I was made to do and wear them when I was a kid. I certainly don’t feel any need to keep things I don’t care much about anymore for the sole purpose of “maybe my offspring will want this”. maybe I just don’t really get the whole thing with people wanting their kids to have what they did. yeah, maybe it made me happy when I was little, maybe, but, like.. my kid’s not me, you know?

I want mom to get rid of my old dresses and shit from when I was little, and she’s finally accepted that I very likely won’t have any kids to stuff into them, but she insists my brother might. I don’t understand that at all. they were my old dresses, most of which were straight out of the 80s-90s and bought at yard sales. mom’s only keeping them because I wore them a few times in my young life. and? so? they don’t mean shit to me, much less to him. I didn’t pick them out. I didn’t have any memories attached to them, she did. I honestly think it’s kind of unhealthy to put your kid on such a high pedestal. it’s nice to remember your kid when they were little and the cute little clothes you put them in, obviously, but that’s what pictures are for. you don’t need to keep the fucking clothes forever. it’s almost like celebrity worship, you know? “yeah but Leonardo DiCaprio touched this so I can never throw it out”. it’s honestly super weird to me. I was just a kid. like every other kid. every kid was tiny once and we all wore small clothes. that’s kind of the whole thing about being a human. what the fuck was so special about me that we can’t part with dresses that I was put in maybe a few times in my life? I don’t care about them, I don’t want to hold on to them, I don’t understand why my mom can’t just take pictures of them and donate them. a photo album takes up much less room than a box of old kids clothes. plus, like... I don’t think even my brother would subject his kids to some of those. there’s so much more modern stuff available now. I don’t think either I or my brother would ever be one of those instagram-ready parents, but, like, I’m sorry. I’m not making my hypothetical kid look like the thrift-shop 80s/90s baby I was, not when I can get them a cute t-shirt with a dinosaur or a unicorn on it or something, you know? or even, god forbid, take them to a store and let them pick out things they like; even if they’re young and don’t have a clue.

I don’t know if other people see it like that. I don’t know if it makes me seem detached to not feel very sentimental about my own childhood; to not feel like every second of my hypothetical future child’s existence would be some kind of holy. to just see myself and others as people. simple, human.

I don’t know if I would have been “less” mentally ill if my mom had treated me better when I was younger. it doesn’t do much to think about the hypotheticals, but sometimes I have to wonder. I know my mom’s got depression too. she denies it. she wasn’t exactly raised in an emotionally healthy environment, she dealt with my dad for 10 years, she dealt with a shitty boyfriend for 9... she’s never sought help for it or been diagnosed, but I know she’s got it. she’s never recognized it in me because of that. she never saw the huge red flags. she even saw dad sleeping all day and not helping around the house and chalked it up to him being lazy until he attempted suicide when I was little. I was never like that, so she never thought I had it. I started questioning myself when I was 15-16 I think; parroting my mom’s attitude in that I knew I felt sad and down a lot but it couldn’t be depression. I didn’t have that. but by 17 it was already starting to get bad. I knew I had it, but I told everyone I was fine. just tired. I wouldn’t dare tell my mom. she’d just be sad about it and I didn’t want to deal with that. but I feel like I could have grown up in a much more emotionally healthy environment for sure. if mom had leveled with me, or lowered her cleanliness standards a little, or allowed me to get to things when I got to them, because I eventually would, and didn’t yell at me or take my things away or call me awful things over something like putting a plate in the dishwasher or not being able to find “her ipod” that I’d borrowed to listen to RHCP, or ignore my “no”s and force me to do things I clearly didn’t want to do... I don’t know, man, I feel like I could have at least staved off a lot of the depression. if I felt like I could go to her, if I hadn’t been afraid of her, if I hadn’t been so stressed out that I didn’t even want to be at home...

I still remember all the sobbing fits I never let her see. all the self-deprecation I learned directly from her. I hated everything about myself by the time I graduated high school; my pickiness, my shyness, my entire body despite the puberty weight-gain being perfectly normal... I wasn’t even comfortable telling her about the unexplained sadness. it could’ve been curbed early. dad saw it in me, now that I think about it; he did bring it up a few times. but mom never listened, because of all the other crazy shit he’s said. he didn’t press, though, he just did what he could in little ways. I’ll always be grateful to him for being so compassionate and kind to me when I needed it most.

to this day I remember being 17 and not even being able to look at electrical cords; I’d get the urge to wrap them around my neck. once I had a pretty bad day; I can’t remember what happened. probably a lot of things piled up. school stress, mom stress, everything stress. I remember getting up in the middle of a fit and actually wrapping the cord from my blinds around my neck and pulling hard. I don’t know if I just wanted to see how it felt or if I was trying to push myself, but the feeling of it; knowing that that’s how it would feel if I did it, except worse, knowing that I really could be that close... that scared me so much I just curled back up in bed and cried even harder. I knew then that I didn’t really want to die, but I still felt so fucking awful and I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I didn’t have anyone in the world to go to. I just learned to let it pass. that’s about the healthiest thing I taught myself; that it would pass eventually, and doing something stupid over a brief moment of intense feelings would do way more damage than dealing with it when I was more level-headed. I did have a few more rocky incidents, but you learn something new with every dip in the road. I’ve learned to be more patient with myself; more empathetic with myself. I’m not the best at it yet, but I’ve had to teach myself a lot, and I started learning about emotional health much older than I should have been.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I know I’ve looked back at old posts and been sad about it before. I can see what a bright kid I was. I learned a lot of... I don’t know the right word for it. uppity-ness? snootiness? from my mom, for sure. I wrote once about how I didn’t understand why people dyed their hair or got piercings or tattoos; exact things I know my mom had expressed. she was never thrilled once I started actually doing those things. there were a lot of things I parroted from her that I’m still ashamed of, but I’m glad I learned better eventually. that aside... I was smart. creative. I did used to be more creative; I forgot about it because it was so long ago. I was genuinely excited about things. I wrote and wrote and wrote because I couldn’t contain all my feelings; even writing them out over and over didn’t seem to get them all out. I did have a really vibrant personality. maybe a little half-baked, but who isn’t when they’re still growing? I was shy, sure, but I had so much else about me to be proud of, and to build on. I feel like I could have been so different. if I’d been in a different family, if I hadn’t felt so beaten down by my mom and eventually myself. it makes me sad to look back and wish I could have been there for myself. I had so many harsh lessons to learn, but before that I really was a good kid. some things I absolutely would have decked myself for, but who doesn’t deserve a good punch in the face when they’re in their early teens? nobody’s perfect. I just think that the things I did get metaphorically decked in the face for... it wasn’t deserved.

all that just makes me want to do right by my past self. that’s all I can do. be kinder to myself. one day move out and get out of this environment again; distance myself from all of it again. take care of myself and live on my terms. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to talk to my mom about how she’s made me feel. it won’t change anything. she’ll inevitably come back with how I drove her to say and do those things with how hard I was to deal with. I wasn’t hard to deal with... she refused to adapt to having a kid with a different personality. that’s no reason to take it out on me. even now I still try to get as far away from her as I can while still having to live with her; I’ll shut myself in my room for hours after she snaps at me so I don’t have to deal with any more of her moods. it reminds me of being 15, curled up in the basement of our old house, dreading the sound of her footsteps. I don’t want to push it. I don’t want any more. if I get away she can’t say anything else to me. if I stay away she’ll cool down, if it’s late enough maybe she’ll just go to bed and I can unclench until she comes home from work tomorrow. hell of a relationship to have with your mother. if I ever had a kid and they ended up like me, I don’t know how I’d live with myself.

#long post #blah blah #just felt like rambling I guess #thoughts from reading old posts

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lexxikitty-blog1 · 6 years ago

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And Playing the Role of Herselfby K.E. Lane

Read: September 2016

Rating: 5 Stars

So - added another book to my very small collection of 'books I have read more than once' (don't be fooled, that just means 'twice' - there's only one book I've read more than twice, and I think I've only read that one three times). First read occurred January 2014 and I also gave the book 5 Stars at that time (though didn’t review it at that point). Funny thing happened when I started reading - this is a book I know I enjoyed when I read it, that 5 star rating was kind of a big clue to myself, but I just couldn't remember the book - until I started to reread it. The book didn't come back to me in a flash or anything like that, no - more that I was keeping ahead of the reading a little bit. As in, first scene in the book finds Caidence working in a police station talking to a small boy - a scene for her cop television show. And the entire scene came into my brain fully formed. Rest of the book proceeded similarly - I'd read and a sentence, a paragraph, a chapter, ahead of where I was reading would come back to me. Yet I never, until end of book, had the entire book come back. Just a tiny bit ahead of where I was reading. By the time I was done I realized that I had in fact remembered the book (I mean prior to the reread) - I had just thought it was one of Jae's Hollywood books. No idea how that occurred. There were moments I liked and disliked both characters - Caid and Robyn. Caid seems like a great person and stuff, but there were moments that I realized that some of what was occurring was being 'masked' by my knowledge - by being the reader in Caid's head (and yeah, the stuff is from Caid's point of view). As in - Caid sure didn't communicate very well - a lot of the problems came up because of how poorly Caid communicated. For example - Caid spent an inordinate amount of time thinking thoughts to herself like 'I am a lesbian, or at least lesbian like person' - and yet when the topic came up with Robyn, and several comments were made back and forth, Robyn was given the impression that Caid was not in fact a lesbian, but a straight woman who had never kissed a woman before but was interested in experimenting - so we have both of those tropes in the book (a lot of the lesbian tropes, themes, ideas turn up in this book), the 'lesbian for you' (which was hinted at by the poor communication skills but a red herring) & the 'lesbian trapped in feelings for a straight woman but doesn't want to be' that was also a false positive. All because Caid said something along the lines that she had never kissed a woman - now mind you Caid is often tongue tied around Robyn, and so probably couldn't get the right words out anyway, though a lot of the problems stem from this problem to communicate issue. Though, to be fair, that issue comes from both sides - as revealed by some comments eventually pulled from Robyn. So - Caid is a thirty-something woman who spent some time as a model, as she put it 'a beer bitch' (one of her modeling works lead to some beer commercials which included her in a barely there top) before branching out into acting. And is in her second year on a police show that is seeing a great deal of success. Her best friend is a woman named Liz who is her cop partner on the show - and someone who has been famous from an early age so is quite . . . unskilled with social thingies. Robyn is a woman who acts on a lawyer show that is the origin show (whatever you call a show that another show spins off of - Caid's police show spun off of Robyn's lawyer show), and occasionally has guest appearances on Caid's cop show. Robyn is in a very famous 'coupling' with a tennis pro, a Josh something or other. Both of them look quite taken with the other and are constantly seen out and about. Both Robyn and Liz (and, for that matter Josh) are much bigger stars than Caid. At a Q&A for the cop show, attended by Caid and Liz, one of the last questions presented was one about fanfiction. Namely something along the lines of 'are you aware that there is fanfiction about your characters which paints them in a lesbian light; is there a chance that a lesbian theme would appear on the show; how does that impact your acting - etc etc'. Caid has to answer that one as Liz is kind of gasping in confusion and horror. On the ride back from the Q&A, Liz and Caid share a limo (along with Paula, Liz's personal assistant). Liz is furious and wants to sue the internet (not sure if she is specific on who she wants to sue). Caid explains that Liz can't. Caid then shows Liz one of the lesbian fanfiction stories. One thing leads to another and - not right then and there, but eventually - Liz sets in motion something Caid can't dodge (a reoccurring theme - Caid is kind of spineless when it comes to people telling her to do things; in terms of the Liz idea - she feels that she isn't in a strong enough position to go against the idea (I'm being vague, but you could probably use the same sentence for a lot of situations in this book)). At the table read for the season finale, all of the heavy-weight executives (producers, writers, show creators, etc.) pop in. And reveal that they are going to have a lesbian twist. This being the thing I vaguely noted above. The thing Caid doesn't feel powerful enough to do anything but accept her role in the situation. For her character is going to be bumping up against Robyn's character. Complicated all the way around since playing a gay/lesbian/LGBT role can have implications on careers, and Caid has been lusting for Robyn for two years by this point. Complicated. So yeah. Fun book. Much angst. Some family issues. Several tropes pulled in (some mentioned above some not - one of the ones I haven't mentioned involves 'dangerous event occurs so one or the other realizes their true feelings' that seems a reoccurring theme in the book). Quite well written. Much angst. Much drama/loving/sex (graphic). September 5 2016

#2016 Reads #Book Review #Lesbian Book Review #Regal Crest Enterprises #5 Stars #Favorites #Celebrity Romance #Lesbian Fiction #Lesbian Romance #Romance #Contemporary Romance #ReRead

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edwardlando · 7 years ago

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Advice I keep emailing myself

I don’t know about you, but I send myself almost 100 emails a day with things to do and thoughts I want to remember. Because as I go through my day, from to do to to do, meeting to meeting, walk to walk, Uber to Uber, I think of the current state of my life, the things I’m doing well and wrong, the things I wish I could make happen, the people I wish I spent more time with. And for someone who’s obsessive about getting to inbox zero this is the best system I could come up with to force myself to go through these observations again before copying them to some document and probably forgetting about them.

I’ve noticed trends in thoughts that keep re-emerging. Here are some of the more popular ones, in list format just as the Internet likes it.

1. Spend (a lot of) time with people you like.

Sounds crazy obvious but I have a hard time staying true to this and don’t think I’m the only one. It’s so easy to get sucked up into some form of social commitment just because someone suggests it. It just pops up in your inbox or in your text messages or among your roommates. You don’t really want to do it but it doesn’t sound that bad and you don’t want to offend anyone and say no to some activity.

But it does pile up and starts significantly eating away at your time.

I’ve been somewhat of a yes man for the past year but do like this wise adage which I am now paraphrasing:

“When you say yes to something, remember that you’re actually saying no to everything else…”

Try only saying yes to the things that you really, really want to do.

Needless to say this applies to the people you work with, which usually represents the largest chunk of your life.

Do not be complacent about the people you work with. You’re allowed to be picky. If you’re not feeling it, run! Your time is so so short.

When you find people you really like or love, people who make you feel like you want to and can do everything, people who you understand and who understand you, people who you are not only seeing for a very direct, short-term reason, spend a lot of time with them. Give them the lion’s share of your day and life. They deserve it and so do you.

2. A similar, yet more general insight: be proactive instead of reactive.

My friend Emil called me up the other day with a similar realization.

Remember: you don’t have to give priority to the emails that arrive in your inbox. You are the only one responsible for achieving your goals and those emails just represent what other people want of you.

It’s natural that you should answer them at some point but make sure you’re aware of what your priorities are and deal with those first.

You could spend your entire days simply reacting to every push notification that gets sent your way and do nothing else.

So, what do you actually want to do today? Who would you like to see? What would you like to change about your current situation?

Think about it.

3. Do the hard work. The stuff that feels messy, and uncomfortable, and scary, and new, and like a struggle.

You think anyone likes filling those government forms, following up with a customer about a payment they have to make or asking for legal advice? No, but if you start making a point of doing the hard stuff, the boring, painful, administrative drudgery that stands between you and everything you’ve every wanted, you’ll get better at it.

It’s just like going to the gym, it’s just like drinking black coffee without sugar or whiskey on the rocks with nothing else, it’s just like any other good old tough habit that’s an acquired taste. We get used to things. Get used to what is hard and you’ll feel better. You’ll feel like a real person who can get things done.

File those taxes, get that visa, renew that driver’s license, talk to those damn customers, have that difficult discussion with your co-founders or spouse or kids. Whatever it is. There’s always an elephant in the room. So quit beating around the bush and get to it.

I fundamentally believe that we know what we need to do to get to where we want. The real question is whether we’ll do it.

Something that has helped me start tackling more of these painful things sooner is the hard-earned awareness that it’s going to be tough and messy anyway. It’s not like it doesn’t have to get done at some point. So why not just do it now?

4. Notice what it is that makes you feel energized and happy and do more of that.

An interesting point to follow the last one. Although I am convinced that you must get used to doing the hard stuff, I also believe that you should pay attention to what feels easy, natural, fun, invigorating, exciting, incredible and do more of it.

I heard that at the famous Bollettieri tennis academy, they take a slightly different approach. Your traditional coach, upon noticing that your forehand is clearly stronger than your backhand, would have you work day in and day out on improving your backhand and bringing it up to speed.

Bollettieri on the other hand would have you further develop the imbalance between the two. If your forehand is good and your backhand is only ok, they would have you turn your forehand into a real weapon at the expense of your backhand. Reminds me of the insight that the great companies have both very obvious strength and weaknesses.

I think balance is boring. I don’t know why people think normal and well-rounded is a good thing. It just means you’re replaceable because you never took the risk to express yourself as you are but simply conformed to an archetype that was expected of you.

It was easier to fit into a type than to be an individual.

Obsession is what makes life worth living.

If there’s something that you love, let it consume you.

Or as Bukowski would say…

5. Become who you want to be today. Not tomorrow.

I want to become a public speaker. I want to smile more and make more eye contact. I want to talk to the strangers I want to talk to in the street. I want to wake up early. I want to have a girlfriend who I really care about. I want to do more focused work and generally be better off at sectioning off my day into heads down and heads up moments. I want to feel fewer petty emotions — the little every day upsetednesses, the little jealousies, insecurities, impatiences, let them dissolve and make room for what is really important. I want to feel more empathy, be less anxious, be more grateful, be more focused, meditate, run, travel to countries I wouldn’t normally go to…

Yes, it can be absolutely terrifying to think of all the possibilities and permutations the world has to offer. What are you supposed to do when there are a thousand branches to choose from?

I face this option paralysis all the time.

The good news is, if you think about it, there really is only one thing that matters at any point in time. One thing you have to do, focus on or fix.

All the rest is just pretty important. Not crucial.

I’ve found that viewing the world in this way has helped me narrow my focus and forced me to prioritize.

This is very difficult, especially for someone who wants to be everywhere and do everything like me, but it’s possible.

6. Be honest about how you’re feeling and what’s wrong.

If I think about it, my life can be broken down into periods or movements, and during each one of those I had a dominant mindset and outlook on the world.

Often, by the way, those movements can be summarized by the books and songs that mattered most to me at the time.

For example, my sophomore year had an overarching existentialist Kurt Vonnegut / Tolstoy-y mood that was very different from my first post graduation year which had more of a drive-along-the-water-at-night-in-California song feel to it.

In each case, some things went really well and others bothered me a lot. Sometimes it took me months to realize what was wrong. Well… no, I knew what was wrong but I didn’t pay attention to it. That cloud that is hanging over your head… It’ so easy to ignore it and to focus on the immediate, more pragmatic day to day stuff that has to be done. But that doesn’t change the fact that there’s this massive tropical storm of a realization that hangs right over your head and that won’t go away. Just like the hard stuff that I talked about earlier, this is the hard realization stuff that’ll hit you no matter what.

Wrong city, wrong job, wrong group of friends, wrong daily routine, wrong destructive habits, wrong something. Whatever it is.

That’s what has the most important influence on your life so you just can’t ignore it. The sooner you listen to that little voice, the better off you’ll be.

7. Express yourself more, keep producing.

I would really like to write every day. I don’t because when I start to write it’s mostly bad, I feel like what I’m pumping out is low quality, poorly expressed and unexotic, also because other things arise — life mostly — and I do that instead. Email, events, other tasks. I do that. I tell myself I’ll write before I sleep but I get tired.

Sometimes I also get the feeling that I have nothing to say.

I also don’t really like advice blogs and all that. I feel like most of these people become “successful” by telling other people who to become successful…

I hate that I’m writing a 7-bullet point post on Medium.

I prefer novels, stories. I would like to write those. But I don’t have the time, or I keep falling short of the quality that I would like to produce.

But you know what…

I find that it’s better for you to just express yourself imperfectly, for you to fall short of the beautiful work of art that you wanted to put out into the world, for you to cringe at the edits that could and should have been than to not say anything at all.

It will never be ready. I would rather exist and create in an imperfect, human way, than die without having put anything out there.

It’s imperfect? Who cares. Let the critics create instead of criticize.

I could spend weeks rewriting this post. Why the hell are there 7 bullets and not 8 or 9 and while you’re at it why are there any bullets at all?

Maybe I should split each bullet into its own blog post. Maybe I should wait, write more and make this a book.

I’m writing this on a plane to SF as we speak. Well, as I write.

I’ve got other stuff to do. I’ve already spent enough time writing this today. If I start editing this I’ll never get to the other stuff I want to do and I’ll never push anything out.

So yes, make imperfect things.

Love them, and move on.

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#Life Lessons #Entrepreneurship #Advice #Self-Improvement #Writing

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how2to18 · 7 years ago

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ADMIRING READERS already know that Julian Barnes can do British teenage drama perfectly; he has demonstrated as much in Metroland (1980) and the Man Booker Prize–winning The Sense of an Ending (2011). Barnes reanimates the yearnings, the certitudes, and the ignorance that are part and parcel of youth using a retrospective voice that is by turns hilarious and tender while never stooping to condescension or simply reinhabiting naïveté. Fans will not be surprised, then, to find that The Only Story — being a British teenage romance — is a perfectly accomplished book, with no missteps, inconsistencies, or obvious shortcomings. But is it any more than that? Is Barnes, after the bold performance that was The Noise of Time (about the life of Dmitri Shostakovich), just playing it safe?

In terms of topic, perhaps. But not in the way that topic is handled, not in the least. The Only Story stakes bold claims and provokes surprising questions that demonstrate Barnes is anything but resting on his laurels.

He states the novel’s thesis, via narrator Paul, on the opening page this way:

Most of us have only one story to tell. I don’t mean that only one thing happens to us in our lives: there are countless events, which we turn into countless stories. But there’s only one that matters, only one finally worth telling. This is mine.

As Paul’s story unfolds, it becomes clear that it’s about love in general and first love in particular, which, the book argues, is the only story we really have to tell about ourselves.

Such a claim certainly illuminates other beautiful, haunting novels, such as Patrick Modiano’s The Black Notebook. But is Barnes’s story of Paul and his lover Susan intended to be a cautionary tale about how enervating it is for human beings when romantic love becomes their only story? Or is it a tragedy? Is Barnes saying that people are doomed to first love being their only significant story even if that love is paltry, contingent, and messy, as it is with Paul and Susan? Barnes seems mostly to subscribe to the latter proposition, though with a significant modification: their love may seem paltry — younger man meets older woman, complicity is established, love is consummated, marriage falls apart, love fades, alcoholism endures — but it’s not actually paltry at all, because the story of these two romantics embodies human love as affectionate attention to detail.

Consider teeth, for example. Paul says of Susan’s,

I must tell you about her teeth. Well, two of them, anyway. The middle front ones at the top. She called them her “rabbit teeth” because they were perhaps a millimeter longer than the strict national average; but that, to me, made them the more special. I used to tap them lightly with my middle finger, checking that they were there, and secure, just as she was. It was a little ritual, as if I was taking an inventory of her.

It’s difficult not to smile at this slightly ridiculous but entirely believable romantic gesture. Her teeth show up throughout the first part of the novel, until they are, in heartbreaking fashion, lost. If Barnes has something to say here, it’s that little things like affection for teeth are the signum et res — the sign and the reality — of true love.

There’s an illuminating contrast, however, between Paul and Susan’s story and that of Shostakovich in The Noise of Time. Is the latter’s love for his spouse not all the more poignant, interesting, and sustainable precisely because she is not his only love? Isn’t it his passion for music that made Shostakovich an appealing lover in the first place? In her brilliant 2017 Paris Review piece “What Do We Do with the Art of Monstrous Men?” Claire Dederer asks if all artists are not monsters in some sense given that selfishness is always involved in the finishing of a work. Provocative as such a question is, couldn’t the opposite case also be made? Namely, that the lover with no project of her or his own is the real monster, because lack of interest in the cultivation of self results in a subjectivity so dull that any captivating romantic love with such a person is out of the question. Given the choice between Shostakovich and Paul, who would not choose the former?

This is no condemnation of Barnes, of course, since the questions, doubts, and hesitations registered above all stem from the interaction between his books. This is surely a sign of richness, and it is the particular virtue of The Only Story to openly pursue a thesis that other works of his call into question.

Paul’s love story may not be all that interesting, but Barnes’s analysis of it certainly is. As in his other works, the author applies a scalpel to human consciousness to expose his protagonist’s intentions, beliefs, and neuroses with astute observation. Part one of the novel is in first person, part two in second, part three in third, and these different voices correspond to different stages in Paul and Susan’s relationship: the birth of love, the death of love, and the aftermath of love. Each part has its moments of enchanting, psychologically descriptive prose, such as this musing of Paul’s from the first section:

She laughs at life, this is part of her essence. She laughs at what I laugh at. She also laughs at hitting me on the head with a tennis ball; at the idea of having sherry with my parents; she laughs at her husband, just as she does when crashing the gears of the Austin shooting break.

The great 19th-century philosopher Søren Kierkegaard famously wrote, “It is quite true what philosophy says, that life must be understood backwards. But that makes one forget the other proposition, that it must be lived forwards.”

In the first part of this narrative, Barnes holds to both of these truths, managing to write in such a way that all the provisionality of Paul and Susan’s love is maintained despite the retrospective framework. Here, for example, Barnes turns from philosophical reflection to immediate celebration all in a few lines:

You might ask how deep my understanding of love was at the age of nineteen. A court of law might find it based on a few books and films, conversations with friends, heady dreams, aching fantasies about certain girls on bicycles and a quarter-relationship with the first woman I went to bed with. But my nineteen-year-old self would correct the court: “understanding” love is for later, “understanding” love verges on practicality, “understanding” love is for when the heart has cooled. The lover, in rapture, doesn’t want to “understand” love, but to experience it, to feel the intensity, the coming-into-focus of things, the acceleration of life, the entirely justifiable egotism, the lustful cockiness, the joyful rant, the calm seriousness, the hot yearning, the certainty, the simplicity, the complexity, the truth, the truth, the truth of love.

The reader can imagine the old Paul writing the first three sentences and the young Paul writing the fourth, the latter declaiming the nature of love in the kind of passionate outburst that is only possible when 19. The use of first person only reinforces this immediacy.

The same sort of immediate/reflective dynamic is also present later in the narrative, as in this section that showcases more of Barnes’s wry humor:

I said I never kept a diary. This isn’t strictly true. There was a point, in my isolation and turmoil, when I thought writing things down might help. I used a hardback notebook, black ink, one side of the paper. I tried to be objective. There was no point, I thought, in merely venting my feelings of hurt and betrayal. I remember the first line I wrote down was:

All alcoholics are liars.

This was, obviously, not based on a huge sample or broad research. But I believed it at the time, and now, decades later, with more field experience, I believe it to be an essential truth about the condition. I went on:

All lovers are truth-tellers.

Again, the sample was small, consisting mainly of myself. It seemed to me evident that love and truth were connected; indeed, as I may have said, that to live in love is to live in truth.

And then the conclusion to this quasi-syllogism:

Therefore, the alcoholic is the opposite of the lover.

This seemed not just logical, but also consistent with my observations.

One can’t help but laugh at Paul’s attempts to reason things out. But clearly there is a futile effort to get a handle on one’s life here that is deeply sad. Paul’s youthful attempt at an objective diary is, as Barnes puts it, “the annotation of pain.”

The elegiac tone of the third part of the novel perfectly fits Paul’s damaged state. Barnes describes his “slowly acquired calmness,” the gradual exhaustion of his love for Susan, and the transient nature of his romantic availability even long after they’ve split. Paul has lost the ability to offer himself to others and has only intermittent, superficial friendships: “It was what he wanted; more to the point, it was all he felt able to sustain.” A small, perfectly crafted récit illuminates the wounded self that is left in love’s wake:

He was at ease with the world, watching other people’s lives develop. No, that was too grand a way of putting it: he was observing the young get cheerfully drunk and turn their minds to sex, romance, and something more. But though he was indulgent — even sentimental — about the young, and protective of their hopes, there was one scene he was superstitious about, and preferred not to witness: the moment when they flung away their lives because it just felt so right—when, for instance, a smiling waiter delivered a mound of mango sorbet with an engagement ring glittering in its domed apex, and a bright-eyed proposer fell to bended knee in the sand […] The fear of such a scene would often lead him to an early night.

Paul does not envy the young; no, he feels compassion for their plight. He knows how that one moment, the leap, when an irrevocable declaration of love is made, can be a devastating mistake, leaving the impassioned lover to wonder for the rest of his days if he has squandered the fragile and singular gift of his only life on this earth.

Each part of The Only Story possesses its unique voice and memorable descriptions. Taken as a whole, the novel provides a kind of phenomenology of love as it unfolds in human consciousness in its different stages: development, dissolution, and remembrance. It is a perplexing, profoundly enjoyable read, even for readers who ultimately reject Paul’s thesis about the only story.

At times, accomplished novelists take on fairly banal plots just so they can show what they can do with them (think, for example, of John Banville’s The Infinities). This is one of those plots, and — through his precise attention to the marvels of love and his perfect stylistic accompaniments to each state — Barnes has once again shown himself capable of transforming the mundane and ephemeral into the lyrical and lasting.

Thomas J. Millay is a PhD student in Theology at Baylor University. His fiction has been published in the Blotter.

The post Annotations of Pain: First Love in “The Only Story” appeared first on Los Angeles Review of Books.

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invisiblenotbroken · 7 years ago

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Gas Lighting: Searching For Chronic Illness Diagnosis in American Healthcare System (Its' funnier than it sounds and just as frustrating)

Did I get lucky! I got to make a new friend. I hope you enjoy listening to Jen. She is an amazing poet and at the end of the interview you can hear two very powerful poems. She is hilarious and strong. She has been dealing with being sick and frail even though she has made massive changes (loosing 100lbs) and has just started in on her 40's. We talk about parenting with a chronic illness, the American healthcare system (buckle up its' about to get political), the importance of art when you can't get out of bed, and how important friendships are especially when you are dealing with chronic invisible illness.

Ms. T's Answers {More Bad Ass Than Mr. T}

Jen Toal (with her amazing poetry she did not Age 40

Conditions

PTSD, Chronic Pain, Extensive nerve injury nerve injuries in both arms, Not Quite Fibromyalgia (is that a thing?), planters fasciitis, Anxiety/Depression

(...Hang on, maybe Ehlers-Danlos?? Amazing the things you can learn doing podcast interviews...) After watching Jen through the interview I was impressed at all of the crazy shapes she was making while stretching. She also has the swan deformity and so many other symptoms of the disorder I have.

I can remember school officials started stepping in around middle school to try to help Mom and I address my symptoms. They couldn't find much obviously wrong with me, except for some scoliosis. In high school I was given special locker accommodations each year to try to help reduce the load on my body and as an eighteen year old, our family doctor explained to me that I was experiencing the same daily pain as most eighty year olds. This was before the injuries of my twenties and thirties.

I didn't get far working with that doc because growing up means losing access to health care in our country.

In my early twenties I was working in tech support and saving for further college when all the nerves on both my arms were blown out by repetitive stress from typing. I spent the next several years in surgery and disabled. I got LOTS of doctor attention, but only on the subject of my work injuries. They were there to repair me from what they had done, not heal me overall.

The worst part of those years was being unable to draw.

In my thirties I found reasons to stop giving up on my life, most notably my husband, John, and our sweet child. John and I changed so many of our daily habits that together we lost three hundred pounds.

https://www.facebook.com/shapeshifterconfessions/

Losing 45% of my pre pregnancy body weight has done amazing things for my health, but it's not the miracle cure it *looks* like from the outside. For one thing, jumping up out of my sick bed to chase my snugly little kettle bell around gave me a wicked case of Plantar Fasiitis. It's a remarkably painful addition to my dappling of symptoms, but was acceptable collateral damage to me.

1. Who were you before your illness became debilitating?

A child.

2. Is there anything you would do if you were not sick?

There are so many things. I would have so much more of a career. I would travel. I would go out in the evenings and be around people. I would make so much more art.

3. What should other people know about our daily life?

That it's super easy for them to forget, but it's always there, reminding me. That it's exhausting to manage pain.

4. What would make living and moving in the world easier for you?

Single Payer Healthcare and Universal Basic Income.

In my twenties I spent a lot of time with people who liked to play, "What if we won the lottery??" My answers always began with access to doctors and therapists.

5. Life hacks?

Tennis balls are my latest favorite backpack staple. I sit and lean on them for point massage. They are especially magical for car trips, which have always been rugged for me.

My backpack itself is my favorite tool, but like many medications that come with side effects, the magic bag does sometimes get ridiculously heavy.

6. Support from family or friends?

I married really well. My husband is marvelously supportive and encouraging. My mother would help more if she were closer.

Friend community cares from afar, but we are all spread so perilously thin...

I saw this art show with a display that said, "We are living in an era that is testing the limits of everyone's compassion." I worry about all of us. Times are tough, and getting tougher, and I don't feel like my communities have the space to hold me up. Not because they don't care, but because they're fighting so hard to keep themselves going.

7. Do you find that people do not believe you are sick because of your appearance? How has this affected you positive or negative?

Yes. All the time. It's horrible. I spend a bunch of time disappointing the humans around me because I look so healthy, especially after my weight loss, but I am still frustratingly limited.

8. How has this affected your relationships?

It torpedoes them sometimes. On the other hand, it can allow for deep bonding when we understand each other.

9. What are you afraid to tell even the people closest to you?

How bad the pain is. How pervasive it is. How scared I am of the future.

10. Does the fact that your disease is invisible change how healthcare professionals treat you?

Yes. They often disbelieve me. I've been accused of being drug seeking. Which is pretty funny, given how much time John spends trying to convince me to take something.

11. Best coping mechanism?

Diffuse awareness. Forgetting. Drawing.

12. Favorite swear word?

John says if hell counts, it's hell. Lol

I have a hard time picking. Shit, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, godsdammit.

13. What are you the most fearful of and what are you the most hopeful for in the future?

I'm terrified that I'll be unable to support my family in the ways they need me. I'm hopeful about the ways I have learned over the years that people make their livings with skills I totally retain access to, even as my spacesuit gets quietly wonkier...

Cardboard Decades

when i say ricky was my best friend, what i mean is

he was my first consensual sexual partner

i turned 5 while mom and i lived in his mother's house

he was 6

i once pulled his little brother, fallen-comrade-style,

across train tracks in the very nick

wouldn't know for decades how scared i should've been

they taught me prank calling and ladybug sailing

how to be kind to the kind doberman

and keep my dolls far away from the angry one

ricky and i were softness and exploration

in an already cruel and confusing world

i remember being 8 or so

sun-drenched in the back of my grandmother's very nice car

i wouldn’t know for decades about love languages

but i knew in california i was given things, but few hugs

and in texas, hugs, but few things

i preferred hugs

but it was well known that "daddy warbucks"

and family had more money than made any sense

and they didn't get as much time to be affectionate

so it made sense

that they'd want me to have touchstones of affection

when i went back to my mother's wars

how could they know?

mom would send them letters,

as she says, "full of things we never did.

places we were never going to be."

it wasn't just that we couldn't get above the poverty line

i wouldn’t know for decades the term “human trafficking”

my poor mother.

i also hadn't learned the different ways a car can sit

that day i was walking home

with ricky

mom pulled over

countenance confusing

told me only i could get in

drove away

before telling me we'd never go back

i would never say goodbye

i wouldn’t know for decades

that the reason no one understands

what i mean when i say

we “moved a lot” when i was a kid

is because i don't understand

what i should be saying

is we were homeless

for more of my childhood

than i had realized.

only way to explain

we have to move whenever someone gets mad

my doll protects me from the mean girl

i share a bed with

we take my most evil stepdad back

eleven times

he's charming

and when he's around churches don't have to bring us things

the motels. national parks. so many places

i stop calling where i sleep anything other than "the house"

know if i learn the path from house to grocery, it’s probably time to go

try out different versions of my name in different schools

sometimes compassion is a shovel to the gut

often my mother wakes up screaming

i’ll never know how many trains she pulled us from the teeth of.

only reluctantly came to see the damage of

rootlessness on a childhood

perpetual motion was our only way of survival.

i ran into ricky a couple years later

awkward amongst other kids

eons away from the life we had shared

i’ve been trying to shift my relationship with cardboard

dismantling all my boxes

learning to build some belief

i might just get to stay

advice i am giving myself

upon meeting new soul mates

stand solidly

if you are able

hold your form fluid

brace for beauty

and the way it always

knocks you over

notice press of globe

up through soles

marvel at the moments experience

and universal

shake hands

trade knees

compare the roads you have run

the trees you jumped out of

the places your jeans have worn through

skip right past groins and sex

this isn't that poem

and connection

can be better

for being less obvious

instead

press your belly buttons together

a meeting of absences

shared space to frame things

frame things

redo this if it

feels more truthful

consider the strengths of your mat

let the space placed around

your best work

have its own things to say

say things

out loud

experience is meant to be shared

and no one needs your

perspective

more than a soul mate

trade scars stories

(tattoos totally count)

tell each other tales of the ways

the world hasn't ended

even if it left a mark

breathe

feel belly press belly

laugh

you've been sucking down discord

all day

like too little sleep

too much wireless

and a fundamental disconnect

from how our species evolved

to thrive

agree to thrive anyway

slice out space for each other

in the places you

forget to feel shame

allow yourself

and each other

forgiveness

for everything you’ve ever believed was wrong with you.

there’s never been anything wrong with you.

except not knowing there was nothing wrong with you.

forgive yourself

for lying to yourself

in order to stay small

it’s okay to not be everything

we are all of us everything together

and we forget we don’t have to

do it alone

give up the notion

you may somehow

be on the same page

you’ve only just collided

from across the cosmos

the particular constellation

of harmonic convergences

your empty spaces

express

as you pass through each other

are not the same

as being the same

we are stronger for our differences

befuddling though they be

decide this is the game

and that you are always winning.

because you are.

#politica #friendship #chronic illness #chronic fatigue #Fibromyalgia #ehlers danlos #invisible illness #podcast #interview

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redlemonz · 7 years ago

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Day #16

We messaged each other a bunch last night. I know that it’s a new day, and technically it thus occurred upon day #15 - but the majority of all my current activity involves reflecting upon the past, whether it be distant or recent - so deal with it. She opened with asking me about how my trip was, and our general conversation about work and our daily life, including any upcoming plans and so on, flowed on from there. I probably blabbed on more than I should’ve, or that she cares about, which is just classic me. Nevertheless, I was more than content to have this opportunity to exchange words the way we did, and more significantly, to be able to listen to what’s actually happening in her work and life. Though the only potential over-analysis I’ll offer (because that’s what I do) regarding our conversation, is that the tone of it was refreshingly new. It felt as though two long lost friends were catching up over a cup of coffee (or rather tea in her circumstance), as our form seemed way more mature and grown up than I’m use to. Not in a bad way at all - it was just different. Part of me believes that it’s the new confounds of our ‘simply friendship’, and yet again wondering how she actually views me at this point - and whether I still mean anything more than a friend anymore, or if that’s been successfully abolished or nearly so, after 15 days. Because she sincerely means the world to me still, and none of those feelings are lost on me. I’ve just learned to try let go of my fake expectations that I create, and to slowly and steadily (okay, not so steadily considering the fluctuating level of insanity that occurs) come to terms with reality. Which is essentially listening to her, in a general manner - but just when it’s too late for us. It’s closer to curiosity and a passing thought at this point, to have that knowledge of where she’s at mentally and emotionally, because I do understand that it does unfortunately have to happen after all - for us to move on in our separate directions (as much as I don’t want to, but have to), but remain as we now are in this new chapter of our lives. Also, I’m not going to look into it further and punish myself accordingly - another step upwards, in the right direction. Because at the end of the day, we talked, and it felt really nice, to connect as we did. Even if it may be on a separate bridge.

Day 16 - my nachos + your guacamole = recipe for success

Back at my desk job which is the only aspect of my life that I can seemingly actually exceed at - or so I’m told anyway. Still trying to contain my daily anxiety, though it’s present in a lighter measurement. Getting quite sick of the usual traffic building up in this City, as it can take up to an hour to get back from, and even to work - like this morning. The only time that’s ever been worth waiting for is every occasion when I’d be driving to her place after work, even if I had the predetermined knowledge upon how long it would take. The end result was always worth waiting for, as the image of her was glued in my head. Just knowing I’ll be able to hold her in my arms, see her smile and kiss her would be worth any amount of obstacles in my life, let alone something as common as traffic. Especially when it was a Friday - which would commonly turn into a simple, yet nice date night involving dinner and a few drinks. Often enough though, it would come with the usual little and special adventures before hand - whether it be mountain or park walks, beach visits, a game of tennis, or even the time she introduced me to an indoor trampoline park. Goodness me, that was certainly a first for me - I’ve never been one to have any sort of co-ordination, but yet was always keen and in the spirit to try new things for myself, and especially so, with her. So it wouldn’t be surprising to find yet another diverse talent she possesses - as she bounced around like total madness, and to extreme heights, and even successfully landed all these variations of flips with what seemed like effortless ease. I, on the other hand, failed to do anything that could probably be even considered as basic, even though I attempted some beginner flips on the spot, and when diving for my life into that foam pit. Though it wasn’t much - my primary inspiration was to try and impress her on my first time there - though fairly certain that idea crashed and burned pretty hard. Nevertheless, it made me happy to discover another new experience with her - and even show her that I’m willing and always wanting to be a part of her broader life. All of her interests and attributes belonging within her life have constantly been significant to me, because it’s a part of her. The best part is that I’ve never felt forced or been convinced to do anything I didn’t ever want to. I’ve just never really had much of an opportunity arise or made much effort until her. So essentially It’d mostly be my lack of life experience in addition to laziness, which is a huge contrast to her, that would end up inspiring me to have these new experiences. And I loved each of them, and I love her. She inspired me to get off my ass from playing video games (and I don’t miss them whatsoever, after nearly 2 years now. I’ve spent probably spent countless years of real time of my life prior to this in the virtual world) and live in the beauty that the real world has to offer. It’s just another aspect in which she’s, without intent, helped me locate my sense of identity overall, and brought me happiness as I realise there’s a better me out there.

I’m not this completely and awesomely new & improved person that’s become an outdoor junkie - don’t get that misconstrued. I still spend a great deal of time with the usual indoor activities, and probably too much within general media. So it’s fair to say that she’s brought a renewed and much needed sense of balance to my life (much like having chocolate and carrot in the same meal - yup, referring to her), as opposed to me simply portraying that I’m living on the edge every day or something from what I could have misleadingly described - because as you can probably gather now, by day #16 - that’s certainly not the case. Although I am also currently hiding under a shell on purpose too, due to all the events that have incurred, so right now’s not necessarily the most accurate representation either. The point I’m trying to get to, but rambling on otherwise about (the usual big mouthed behaviour) is that when it’d be a rainy day or if neither of could really be bothered with an activity as aforementioned, then it would be just as spectacular alternatively, to simply relax at home, lie down on the bed, or lay on a couch and watch movies or a crappy Japanese version of Big Brother (don’t ask) whilst scoffing down some unhealthy treats. Cuddling up under a blanket together to watch some quality, comic book related movies (although her view may differ) - she did that for me. Just another example of her making an effort for me, even if it did take some convincing, to be a part of my world even though it was not her forte whatsoever. Speaking of effort - a shout out to the absolutely cutest moment (though there is many in reality) in which we had a sushi evening, and she even set up our little dinner table with little glasses of sake. Damn, she can make hella sushi (and I once again attempted and failed to action basic tasks such as rolling up seaweed). It was one of the most adorable, impromptu and spontaneous last minute dinner dates that had incurred, and I felt like the luckiest guy in the world to be treated to it - even more so when I got to pack some of the leftovers for my work lunch the next day. Since we’re on the topic of her culinary genius, a quick mention is to be handed to her wonderfully crafted shortbread cookies.. because I’m craving some right now. But let’s not forget the main event, which is her guacamole. Its completely to die for also, and receives my 10/10 if it was served to me as a contestant on My kitchen rules. Let’s face it - It’s probably the real reason I’ve literally been going crazy over her (on top of being crazy for her), and do the stupid regrettable shit I do to try win her back, and ultimately fail to let go of her. Her guacamole. I need that in my life. My nachos are just.. nothing without her guacamole (and spring onion). Her ingredients just mix well with mine, to create a dish that’s pretty impeccable. I mean we did after all kayak for a couple hours to a township during New Years, in order to attain the required ingredients for this very dish - and I did subsequently almost drown in the ocean, when capsizing my vessel on our way back. What - did you assume I meant that her guacamole was figuratively dying for? Think again. Damn, I feel as though this may have gotten dramatically escalated a fair bit more than intended.. but nevertheless, I just miss it all. Just like those cooking methods (not the best example necessarily, but for the sake of being a transitioning king) even though we each have incredibly differing personalities, that which a logical perception might conclude us to be a weird or unusual pair when put together, I believe that we do mix together quite delightfully to create something incredibly beautiful. Upon reflection of my words - it actually reminds me of why one of my favourite quotes, is one of my favourite quotes: “We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness - and call it love - true love”. Yup - cheesy again, I know. But I don’t care - we’ve been discussing food after all so technically I’ve remained on topic.

The third evening of indoor football without her. I note that I’ve potentially referred to it as 'futsal’ at an earlier stage, as an homage to her constantly utilising that word. In case I didn’t, I am now, and it’s probably because I imagined that I’ve written it at some point - but I may have just had it traveling around somewhere in my scrambled head of thoughts. Regardless, she’s otherwise educated me last night upon the fact that it’s technically a whole different sport to football, with its own set of rules. Another moment of dumb founded dumbness on my part - I can tend to attempt to be smarter than I am, as most people with a crush or interest in someone else would, in the hopes of attracting her. Even bought myself some fashionably thick-rimmed hipster glasses for the physical upgrade (which also assist in slightly increasing my physical self confidence). So it’s pretty ironic that I usually end up being an even bigger idiot than my normal self, instead of achieving the former. This one I’ll blame partly on love - as surely if it makes my heart skip a beat when I’m with her, it has the ability to affect my brain in a similar manner? ..And there we have another prime example of my stupidity being displayed first hand. Also, she’s just a natural intellect who’s intelligence is one of the many reasons that my heart belongs to her. Further to that, it’s also debatable that she actually suits my previously mentioned glasses much better than I do. Damn her and her gorgeous beauty. I can’t win either way.. which is why I lost. But we were victorious tonight in our indoor game, one up from the opposition - and I actually carried the title of goal scorer which was quite nice (though I still missed various other chances at goal, but hey, still a positive result right?). Great times indeed, as I caught up with the remaining two thirds of the pack afterwards for a bit too. One of them was having a common identity crisis, not knowing how she fits into people’s lives and being grasped with her own sense of insecurities. Though I’ve tried contributing towards resolving those insecurities over the years, I knew there would be no actual positive feedback taken from my words.. but maybe a personality quiz might do the trick for now! So we all just chilled in my car and went through the same variety of questions that deemed me to be the protagonist, and it was an enjoyable experience nonetheless - especially as our walls broke down together, and pure and utter honesty arose in answering each question. As you would have it, I successfully guessed each of their personality types correctly from the gecko, before the questionnaire began, as I did with her many months ago. So the remainder of my pack consists of the entertainer, the architect, and her - the mediator. Not surprising at all, as the detailed descriptions were rather accurate (as much as can be). Once again we missed the mediator’s presence, as our pack felt her absent energy. Though she’s a literal architect, I knew she was way too sincere and faithful in other human beings, and had more emotion than she necessarily may lead on at times. She’s always looking for the best in people - hence a certain comment within our conversation many days ago, in which she stated she’s “deaf” when it comes to letting her mind be manipulated or judgemental, especially against others. Additionally, the other obvious aspects of a mediator make her shine too - aside from just being an open minded individual, she tends to have an optimistic outlook upon life for the most part, energetic in the way she lives that very life, and creative & diverse in the ways she does it. Though words and descriptions can’t do her justice, you’ll have to just take my humble word for it - she’s the best. And she’s certainly been the mediator of my troubled mind.

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