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makahimetenshi · 1 year ago

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How i meet your mother and the story of how Arya Maxson was concieved - Chapter 13

Yeah im definitely changing the title of this fic, absolutely shutting down every shared url I posted about this fic on fanfiction, deleting the first two chapters and going to the final in this very job

The first two drabbles that actually are Two Separated Ways will be posted separatly.

If you are very very very delighted with one fic and want a continuation I didn’t write or post you can donate me at least $5 bucks, most of this fics have next chapters I don’t finish because lack of motivation but hey a $5 is a $5, I see a few reviews and comments that fics that are abandoned months laters receive comments of wanting to know what happens next. Here it is, I finished my handling with you all, enjoy the fic

They keep seeing each other after that, night after night, every night he takes a ventibird for a couple of hours to see his beautiful business owner to have dinner. Now he had to address her as Howard, or Nora. But not Sentinel, neither had an obligation with each other, since she didn’t have a rank anymore and she did not owe him her presence when he summoned her.

Some nights they dinner at the café, and some others at her apartment. He could see everyday how the building was changing little by little, working, improving things but above all spending money, money that worried Arthur, but Nora didn’t seem worried.

But they didn’t have sex, after all the fire turns off a bit after menacing your couple and specially if you tackle her down as a response in both minds the idea of touching and having sex sounded dangerous, very dangerous.

-When are you having another test by the way? –ask Arthur eating on his pasta with tato sauce.

-Month and half is not enough to do another test, wait until two months at least, it’s a shame I cant do them here…

He didn’t think so, preferred to do it with the medical equipment of the citadel, better results, trustworthy, a ride in ventibird to the citadel and the tower wasn’t a big effort in order to keep her safe after all.

-If I read correctly the 400 mUI/mL you had last time should be now 10000 doesn’t? –she nodded, he seem a bit exited with the idea of her pregnancy

-I wonder if should be more tho –she said drinking on her aquapura.

-What do you mean? I can bring you vitamins and supplements if you need

-This is my second pregnancy only, I don’t have much more experience

-And it was good? –she raised an eyebrow not understanding- an easy pregnancy

-It was perfect, even the uncomfortable things like waist pain at Nate side were funny and easy…The only thing I fear is the cravings

-Cravings?

-How do you plan to give me pudding with cream and dulce de leche in the middle of the night? –especially if they choose to live apart.

Arthur wait in silence, confused.

-What is pudding? -oh my gosh she needs to give him a prewar recipe book or they are going to end up shooting each other in the head.

By the time he was leaving since the night was over he noticed something odd on top of a table, weird to see

-Oh those aren’t for you –said Nora when she noticed what caught the man attention.

-Who are they for then?

-For Danse, found that pack of cigarettes and remember that he likes Big Boss

-Where did you get it? Are you going out the tower? –for some reason he felt severly upset.

-Nah I was just cleaning the metro entrances and connections this days and found it inside an old cabinet, trying to actually connect it and make a subterranean route to the city and...

-Well that’s strange, you never get anything for me

His chest hurt, and he didn’t understand why but now he was very angry, at nothing, didn’t actually had to be angry for this little thing but anyway…

-I didn’t know you liked…-Nora raised an eyebrow with curiosity

-I been smoking that brand since I was ten, of course I like it –the fact that he was visually mad and she wasn’t offering the box neither says a lot of things. Danse was priority, always will be a priority. He can forget it, not mention it in a while maybe , but she was always going to keep an eye on him to see if at some point he started to see her.

-Alright i…

He sighted, and she make silence, then close his eyes and he massaged his forehead with the tips of his fingers, sighing again- forget it, lets go

-Are you mad? –ohohohoho the nerve to be asking that

-No –he stated- I just say that you never get anything for me –put a lot of emphasis in the last part, then look somewhere else-that’s all

But suddenly he felt a menacing aura behind, something deep inside tell him to not look bad, whatever was growing at his side have a heavy and dark energy it seemed like it was going to devour him.

Heard something from behind him, she was looking around for something until he heard a metallic sound of things crashing. He didn’t move his head in that direction but instead his hand was picked by the wrist and pulled towards the door with a lot of force.

-Follow me –she said, pulling harder when his feet’s turned heavy- come on, no questions –he looked at her and my god she was angry, even tho she wouldn’t let her voice give her away, she was trying very hard to hide her emotions in her voice but her face looked very upset, very very upset.

They moved downstairs to the reception but instead of crossing the door I dragged him to a side door, it was the entrance to the basement of the building, where the connections to the subway were.

-What are you…

-Follow me –she order, and he froze and let himself be pulled, she still had his wrist very well helded and each step was like being dragged inside the metro tunnels. At some point, the more they went down she picked a baseball bat from one office in the ones they were walking by to keep going down and also give Arthur a Police baton , safety he supposed, since even a Radroach could cause a lot of harm if they encounter one down there…

The sounds of the metallic pieces she picked up in the apartment could be heard crashing in the pocket of her dress, drying his mouth of stress, now he realized.

He was being dragged by his own will down there, to such dangerous situation just because his…woman…move him…the things he was letting himself do…this wasn’t himself, a time ago he wouldn’t permit…

But then his head shout, his thoughts were silenced to what was in front of him, even Nora couldn’t pull him anymore because he was frozen and his feets couldn’t move.

It was a car.

Not polished or neither bright, of course not new, the paint was chipped and untidy, without shine or anything pretty, with scratches and indentations everywhere, as well as holes and dents on all sides of the car. The windows were scratched and slightly broken but clearly at a higher level, not very deep due to the nature of how they looked inward.

He sighted, and moved down by his own, Nora followed him until he was standing in front.

-Is this...? –he asked looking at the wheels, not detonated or exploded

-Get in the car –she said moving around to the other side of the car

What the fuck!?

He tried to open the door in front of him but the handle was dirty and oily, he couldn't open it until something clicked from inside and then he was able to move it, it jumped out so he could open it. That robbed him a sight, the fact that she went here with him means…His eyes illuminated looking at the door

-Are you…? –he asked again but was received with a very bad tune.

-I said get in the fucking car –no need to say it twice, alright, he opens and sit, the seats look clean and frankly smell good like the ones in the cinema, the inside of the car smell like…pine three…and oh there it was, a pine three decoration that actually emanates a really nice smell hanging from a mirror. He throw the Police baton to the back.

The interior was also nice, well illuminated, cleaned, the leather decorations of the walls were in good state and cleaned, the broken zones were stitched or patched…it was the better conservated car he see in his entire life. Even the mirrors of the sides weren’t broken and oh my god he was sitting inside a relic. The handlings looked functional, I mean, you can see the screes and welders and patches to make so that they would stay still in their place and not jump at the slightest moment that one needed to use them but yes, they seemed useful.

But the most important thing was on her pockets ringing, Nora sat on her seat and take out some keys also throwing her baseball bat to the back of the car.

Ohmygosh his heart started to run on his chest.

He sighted and take some air, he couldn’t believe what he was living right now, was it really functional? Yes, of course, he had seen cars working before on some other parts of the country, but was able to count them with the fingers of his hands….hand…yeah one hand maybe, repairing a car took a lot of knowleague and resources you can’t easy get anywhere and of course you need a car in the most preserved state as possible, barely scavenged because missing parts were a problem but she…did it…

She does things.

And she seemed pissed off

-How are we going…

-Put on your seat belt –she interrupted him, rude, his question was going to be a legit one, how were they going to get out the metro? He wrapped the belt around his waist and chest then he remember what she said, but his feelings didn’t let him appreciate it at that moment.

Oh my gosh.

Nora put the keys and turn on the power, the car goes brrrrrrrrr brrrrrrrrrrr loud as he never heard any type of machine before, same with the black smoke coming from behind, the vehicle even trembled a bit before she turned on the headlights and taillights, grabbed the steering wheel, and put her boots on the pedals.

Arthur hold on his belt when they accelerated and she grabbed the gear lever, moving the car forward and spinning around with a very uncomfortable and frightening squeak that made him close his eyes tightly due to the noise, then they would stop and she would accelerate forward, just forward, kept driving forward. When the man open his eyes he couldn’t believe it, not at all. They were driving on the metro hallways. The tracks were empty and cleaned.

Well, not exactly, the trash and debris were pushed to the sides enough to let the car pass between the narrow stretch but still…

They were driving, racing in the metro subway the enough.

-Were are we going? –he asked trying to recompose and gain his breath with a shy voice

-Please shut up -but she looked tense, with a frown on her face, driving like a lunatic at a speed that even generated a horrible sense of danger in him that called to the alert of all his survival senses, anyway they were driving underground with the apparently clear road but still driving so fast it was scary.

So if they were driving in the Warrington line that means…

At one special place Nora speed up more than normal and make some strange movement with the back wheels to jump over a platform, and soon enough they were driving again up in a ramp with some tracks at the side.

Oh my god they were going up to the trainyard for sure.

Then both see a light at the end of the tunnel, moonlight, the light of the sky even in the intense wasteland night, even if it was always cloudy there was light at night. She slowed down to stop and park.When they were in front of the gates Nora goes down the car with the keys on hand and close the door.

Then Arthur for the first time in that insane ride swallowed saliva, his mouth was dry as fuck.

She uses the key to open a rusted panel and like he can handle any more surprised the big gate opens.

For some reason his fingers hold more on the belt. This was unreal. And it embarrassed him, that at 33 it was the first time he had experienced things like that.

Once the big gate was open Nora came inside the car again and just drived 10 meters forward slowly, very slowly, with the same bitch annoyed face from before, then again came down, shut the door of the car and as Arthurs eyes followed her and disappeared in the service blue door right next to the gate to go inside again and do the steps on the panel to close the big rounded gate, as soon the machinery started to work to level down the gate, she came back from the blue service door to the wastelands surface, again, and then, she got in the car again, sighting, visually tired.

-Nora…-mumble Arthur, but when he tried to touch her shoulder, she smacked his hand, the man crossed his eyes, that was unnecessary.

In no time, everything was settled and ready to go, as soon the keys were on spot, the car was running and driving on the highway, jumping and honestly suffering from the bad state of the asphalt but it was obvious, it was hard to even move with a Brahmin on foot on that abandoned highways how it wasn’t going to be with an actual car? Arthur look at the window as they passed by The Overlook Drive-In illuminated by the moonlight reflecting on the clouds, the easiest way to go up was to reach the Arlington Library by that freeway and continue up as the road wasn’t blocked.

Wait she was dropping him?

He tried to touch her knee over the dress but quickly she grunted and move her head uncomfortable, eyes on the road-don’t touch me

-Hey –he called, but again, she made that uncomfortable sound- listen

-Don’t –she said with a very angry face, annoyed as fuck, something really trigger her over an hour ago to go on a driving rampage and not even glance at him- im driving

He said nothing, look at her angry eyebrows and again hold at the seat belt with his life unable to do anything else, he was in a mixture of being exited and scared. Never actually drived in the night of the wastelands like that, never feel such adrenaline of being transported at such dangerous speed by someone so reckless and crazy and...right now wasn’t sure if being attracted as hell or scared of his life that one of those potholes on the highway and broken asphalt was going to kill them both.

Or three, their baby too.

He glanced at her for a minute and she looked hot, angry and savage, beautiful under the moonlight of the wastelands, taking control of the road.

Tho he couldn’t concentrate much with his own thoughts, the jumps and sounds of broken stuff in the car really messes up to formulate ideas

When they passed the Nuka-Cola Plant he realized that it was going to be a quiet trip, she didn’t want to talk to him, right now she wanted to be angry despite he…ahhh…Arthur doesn’t know how to feel actually, being around was painful, he didn’t want to be this confused all the time but he really wanted to try, he always wanted to believe in chances for everything to get better and…it doesn’t…but he was also really turned on, she has so much to offer to someone like him, all the time surprising him, always being exceptional, powerful in every sense.

Like I said, it was difficult to keep a line of ideas straight with the car dripping and jumping each second like crazy. He may get crazy for all the noise, and fear.

But he knew that he was also crazy for her, confused and everything.

The mix of fear, shock and adrenaline sedated him in his seat, too much happening in his head and surroundings, everything going too fast to process, his own brain jumping inside what he felt like an empty head didn’t help, so he shouted his mind and look at the windows, enjoing the destroyed landscapes.

When they reach water and see the Jefferson Memorial he looked at her, her temple had soften and her mouth was no longer pressed, she relaxed her jaw, still, didn’t say nothing as she avoided and drift obstacles.

He wasn’t sure if she was a good driver or a crazy woman driving.

They reach the citadel eventually and obviously there was an army of soldiers pointing at them at the entrance, the ones who see them at the top of the building summoned a lot of reinforcements in case that the speed car with the lights on was a war machine ready to attack but no.

Nora seemed unfrighten by that. Didn’t mind a few laser rifles pointing at her chest at all.

The cat stop and the first thing Arthur did was open the windows on his side and went out with his body slightly out of the window, raising his hands just to show his brothers that he was not a danger and that he really was the one.

-It’s the elder Maxson! Stand by soldiers! Calm down everybody! –he screamed and stand a moment for everyone to see him and recognize his face, even when a lamplight hit his face entirely. Then, someone in the guard made an okay sign with the hand and he went inside again, but as soon his ass meet the seat again he was kicked in the face by a bunch of keys. Painful. Specially hurt on the nose.

Wait wat.

No way.

-There you have a gift of your taste –Nora said that with a really resentful gaze, opening her side of the car and stepping out, everybody pointed the laser rifles at her and she just sighted to the air, kicking on the floor while all eyes were on her.

-Sentinel wait –he screamed moving to her seat but when their eyes meet he found surprise.

She was looking at him with genuinely surprise.

-Sentinel? –she mumble, he couldn’t hear her because of the noise the engine of the car made but…

Oh. He forgot.

Both forgot important things to the other

He swallowed saliva and look around for some other soldier, taking a leg off and picking the keys, holding on it with his life, those keys were important. Very important.

-Soldier, please take the sentinel by ventibird to the Tenpenny tower now–he ask and the man nodded with the power armor helmet. Everybody put their laser rifles down, it was Elder Maxson and Sentinel Nora after all, their people.

She frowned at him but still turned around and followed the soldier that answer to the elder petition.

Once he saw her walking towards the gate of the citadel he sighted, pressing on the keys with his fingers, wanting to feel the pain bring him to reality, then, he looked at the keys, moving the other leg outside the car seat. Everybody was looking at him, confused for sure.

He can still feel the adrenaline of drive fast in the wastelands night, risking his life in some pothole in the pavement, not crashing against a collapsed building by pure miracle, not dripping and flying in the airs in circles to crash against the highway. His heart wont stop pounding inside his chest and by moments it was turning painful with a big anxiety and an enormous feeling of empty on his chest, a really big feeling of desperation and uncertainty.

She really was something else.

And he wanted her.

#elder maxson #arthur maxson #sole survivor #paladin danse #makahimefanfic #fallout 4

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the-dream-beyond · 2 years ago

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Episode 13: Selfishness, Judgement, and Desire with Christine Meyer

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Christine Meyer

Whenever you feel bad, you gotta know you've got to know that you are bumping into a limiting belief of some kind.

Nik Tarascio

Today's topic is going to be a big one, we're talking about selfishness, judgment, limiting beliefs that hold us back from having what we want. And just the idea that we will only get as much or go as far as we allow ourselves to go. So for those you that are on a journey of growth and expansion, I hope this gives you permission to go way bigger way faster. Welcome to the dream beyond. I'm your host, Nik Tarascio. I'm a CEO musician, an overall seeker of Truth, inspiration and simply put, how to live the most fulfilling life possible. Growing up surrounded by extremely wealthy and successful people gave me unique and unfiltered perspectives of those who have seemingly made it through on the dream beyond we're letting you in on what it really takes to achieve your dreams. What happens when it turns out your destination isn't the promised land you are expecting? How to process the lessons from your past while mapping of course to true fulfillment. Let's get started. Hey, guys, how you doing? I'm here with executive life coach and author of keep it simple. Smarty Pants stop overthinking start aligning live happy. Her clients include many incredibly recognizable names and just thought leaders entrepreneurs from all over the world. She's a sought after podcast guest and founding member, regular contributor to the Forbes coaches Council. Please welcome my friend Christine Meyer, thank you for being here with us today.

Christine Meyer

Hey, Nick, thank you for having me and taking me up on my, my invitation to be on your podcast.

Nik Tarascio

Absolutely. Absolutely. No, it's It's, it's been a long time coming. I think. For context, Christina and I met in Sedona, Arizona at a really fun retreat with our friend Andrea Lake. She had hosted us out there and I think we really connected over was whoopee cushions in in the aisle of

Christine Meyer

CVS or? Yes, we totally we totally bonded on on. I think that thing was called a flop. So we were flopping in the aisles of CVS. That's right. And I remember the look you had when you when you saw me playing with it. You were somewhat shocked. But so delighted. Yes, there was there was another, someone in the world who would actually play with you in those ways.

Nik Tarascio

Yeah, I mean, I think in some ways, in many ways, that's what the the podcast for me is like, let's not take ourselves too seriously. Like we talked about big ideas. We talk about going and doing all this meaningful stuff in the world. But then I think sometimes people just forget that it's also supposed to be fun, right? It's also supposed to be enjoyment. And it's all a big comedy anyway.

Christine Meyer

It's all one big sitcom. And if you can, I do my best to see my life that way. Even in those moments when there's plenty of stuff going on that that isn't particularly fun, quote, unquote. It's like, How can I find the fun in it. And I do think that for those of us who want to achieve, and feel and live into our highest potential, do and be all that we can, it is a fine line, truly, to, to not take that too seriously, to continue to introduce FUN into your life and to make life fun. Because if you're not having fun, if you're not enjoying it, if you're not feeling good your way to what you want. What's the point?

Nik Tarascio

Yeah, yeah, you're kind of hitting on. Really the, you know, the heart of the show is around fulfillment. And I think that there's a lot of people including myself that have been on that treadmill of doing more building more to I don't know what and right like just always doing more in hopes that maybe someday I'll feel whatever feeling I was chasing. So that's really kind of the heart of what the show is is, is how do we find that fulfillment? I know because of the conversations you have and the kinds of people you support. I'm sure you have a lot to say about it. But first, because I think you and I always turn we always go to these big ideas. I always end up liking these really fun, dynamic conversations about really cool ideas. I'm curious to hear more about your origins and as a teenager as a kid like what was that early dream for you? What was the thing that you felt pulled to what was fun for you?

Christine Meyer

And well, I really wanted to be a vet. And I really wanted to be a racecar driver. And I always really liked helping people. So so that was truly the big pull for me now racecar driver doesn't fall into that but that was just the adventures that the part that I would love to experience. So the poll was was always because I cared very deeply about how other people felt before I cared very deeply about how I felt.

Nik Tarascio

Oh, that's interesting. So Well, first, I have to ask, Do you have pets?

Christine Meyer

I said that on purpose. What's that?

Nik Tarascio

Do you have pets?

Christine Meyer

I have two amazing dogs. I call them my boys BO Y, Z. And I just, I just, I don't know. They're just they've got my heart. I just love my boys.

Nik Tarascio

Fantastic. So So you've gone down the path of you were drawn to animals, you have some animals now? Do you have speeding tickets?

Christine Meyer

No, I do not.

Nik Tarascio

I actually racecar racecar driver thing did not materialize

Christine Meyer

doesn't mean I don't dry fast. Oh, I just, I just know where the cops are

Nik Tarascio

even better, even better.

Christine Meyer

I can feel them before them before I spot them. Yes, I get those impulses. I'm just gonna slow down a little bit here. Just like this morning, that happened this morning. Just slow down a bit here. And then shortly after a cop pulled up behind me on the highway.

Nik Tarascio

Fantastic. So the third thing you said that again, I really you know, this idea of helping people before you help yourself? How did that show up in the earlier parts of your life, when you may have not understood that that's what was going on.

Christine Meyer

That showed up in my life. In terms of putting myself second, I sort of overrode how I felt to help someone else feel better. I overrode what I wanted. In many cases, before I chose what I wanted. And I think society somewhat trains us like that we observe people responding to us. And so I wanted you to feel good. And so I would do things that would, you know, help you out in those ways. And I think we have to reverse that. I think we have to be selfish, we have to care about how we feel first, so that we can help other people so that we can be a value to other people. And so I do make how I feel a priority. And then I go out into the world, I make how I feel a priority. And then I have conversations. Because if I want to be a value, not only to myself and and be satisfied with who I am and enjoy my life and feel joyful and happy, then I have to attend to how I feel, make that a priority. And then when I go out into the world, I can be a value to others. I can help others I can, even if I don't say a word.

We're supposed to have silence there, right? We are. Yeah.

Nik Tarascio

It makes me very uncomfortable. When there's long silence, especially on a podcast, we were like did the radio break.

Christine Meyer

The radio did not break, the radio did not break. And I liked that you left the pause there. Because pauses are really good pauses are good for to sort of take it all in pauses are good to sort of in that moment, feel where you are. And take a pause, take a pause. We don't have to fill all of the spaces and there again,

Nik Tarascio

yeah, there we go. All right, good. We're pushing boundaries for me right now.

Christine Meyer

We are no I get that we want to fill the spaces when we're doing a podcast. But but you know, in your life, if people do get uncomfortable with silence, I love silence. I love silence. When when I'm in a room with other people. I love silence. I love engaging. I love having conversations. Yes. And silence is so golden as well. It's like when you're when you're silently and I feeling you, you and I have many of these conversations that include those pauses in those vibrational communications. You see, we're much more interpreters of of energy than we give ourselves credit for. And so when those silences happen, if you can just sort of melt into it, and just feel your way through it, and then pick up the conversation.

Nik Tarascio

Yeah, I mean, talking to you is always fun for me, because it's a dance. And I've noticed that I really struggle with the one sided conversation. You know, I really struggle when it's someone either requires me to carry the whole thing, or someone leaves no space for me to be in the dance. And I just I appreciate again, like you do leave space for others. And so there's something really beautiful about that. And so I want to go back to, you know, this prior version of you this earlier version of you that, you know, put your needs or wants second. And now you've come to this place of saying I'm actually going to take care of myself first. And I believe that from that space, I mean, again, I'm an aviation right so we talked about the oxygen mask you put your own on you secure your own before you help anybody else. I'm really interested in knowing more about is there a particular story in your life? That was the like, Aha breakthrough for you where you're like, I just can't do this to myself anymore. It's actually not in service of other and it's not in service of self. What was it more of a gradual process for you?

Christine Meyer

I think it was a combination of many experiences, I don't think that there was one aha moment, there was one that sort of tipped the scale for me. But it but it's not only one event, I think it's a lifetime of events, a lifetime of experiences a lifetime of, of collecting data, and, and making choices and decisions and recognizing that perhaps I'd gone too far off on the other scale, or realize that my desire was now stronger. To make myself important. When not ask anyone not ask anyone else, to make me important. And that's something I want to clear here make clear is that the choice was to, I'm going to value myself, I'm going to make myself important. And I'm not going to ask one other person in the world to do that for me.

Nik Tarascio

Would you tell us about that? That particular tipping point experience?

Christine Meyer

Yeah, I guess I remember standing. I had been married for quite a while at this time to a lovely man, nothing ever, I would never say anything bad about him. He, we still speak to this day. And we had the picture perfect life, we had the life where you have the things and the people around you and all of those things. And yet, I found that I wanted something different. I wanted to discover who I was. And I wanted to discover even more about finding true happiness without all of the stuff. And and there had been a deep desire in me from the time that I was small to understand energy to understand the universe to understand my place in the universe to understand why I'm here who I am, what this is all about. And so there was a moment there, where I thought this, this is the beginning. This is the beginning for me of truly understanding that. And, and so I ended up eventually following inspiration, love, I loved myself into that relationship and loved my way in. And I also loved my way out of that relationship. Because I said yes to me, and it was not against him. It was yes to me.

Nik Tarascio

That's beautiful. And I wonder, as you say that, putting oneself first and talking about loving your way out of a relationship? How do you manage the I don't know if it's a cultural thing, or I don't know, if it's just people around us that will say you're being selfish? How dare you put yourself first, right? Because a lot of us don't allow that narrative. Even when you say it, it's like, there's a little part of me that's like, as the way I grew up, it wouldn't be okay to say that, like, Oh, guys, I'm gonna put myself first and then everyone comes second, when I put myself first I do want to be in service of others. But it's there seems to be this, this negative sense of putting yourself first, how did you navigate that? And how do you still hold that space of like, it is actually the most loving thing to put myself first.

Christine Meyer

And I love that. So So Well, again, when people are asking you to put them first what are they doing?

That's actually quite selfish sounding.

Christine Meyer

Right. And so if we could all we won't all find agreement in this. But if we could all find agreement that we are born selfish, we are selfishly wired, you can only think through self feel through self and perceive through self, and you are the creator of your reality. No one else creates for you. No one feels for you. No one thinks for you know, and proceeds for you, you can walk a mile in somebody else's shoes, but at the end of the day, there's still somebody else's shoes. So how do I live that? I do my best to? Yeah, of course, I'll hold someone responsible for how I feel temporarily I'm I'm human. But underlying that is the true knowing that how I feel is about me, how I feel is how I'm perceiving you. How I feel is how I'm perceiving what you're perceiving about me. It has nothing to do with you. And so I do practice selfishness and, and not because not only because I want to be in service to others, because then that's another that's another little attachment. It's like I'll do it for me just as long as it's benefiting others. I want to stand proudly in my selfishness. And what that does is it makes me responsible if you will get I get to take the credit for Mike reactions, I get to take the credit for how I feel, I get to take the credit for what the relationships are around me. And so I encourage everyone to be selfish, I encourage everyone to reconsider the idea that selfish is bad. Because if you're not being selfish enough to feel good, then you're going to blame someone else for how you feel. Or you're going to think that they need to do something, be something different, do something different, so that you can feel better, and that's powerless. So being selfish is empowering, contrary to what society will have. You believe. And the reason why people don't want you to be selfish, is because they are selfishly wired, and they want you to do what they want you to do. And they call you selfish, interesting, everyone is selfish. Some people won't allow themselves to admit that they want to be selfish. And some people will put others ahead of them like I did, and then blame them. And again, I'm not saying I'm not at all saying here, don't do things for other people. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying care how you feel. Make that a selfish quest, hear about how you feel, and and discover that you can affect how you feel. And you're in charge of that, and leave everyone else off the hook. It's your job.

Nik Tarascio

Where's the boundary? So if someone says, Okay, this is amazing, I'm super inspired by you, which I always am. But if someone says like, I'm really inspired by this concept of going out into the world, and trying this new version of being self referential and selfish in this way, but I worry that I may not do good in the process. Like I don't know how to know when it's, is there too selfish? Or is there different kinds of selfish, I still want to be in service of others. But I think what you said is right, when I've not done that, when I put myself second, I end up resenting the person I was trying to help, and they never even asked for that. They're like, why are you pissed at me? Or why? Are you holding things over me? Or why do you feel like I owe you something? Like, Oh, I did stuff that I didn't even want to do for you in the first place. So where's that line of like, how do we stay in a healthy form of selfishness?

Christine Meyer

Well, well, you can tell by the way you feel when you're putting yourself first and not pushing against someone else. You're not harming other people. And, you know, there, there are things that will feel good to you to do, and things that won't feel good to you to do. And there are things that will feel good to me. So it's all a personal journey of discovery. And I say, All right, then go far off the other end of the scale and get get selfish in whatever ways you feel from where you are, and see if that feels good. And then ratchet it back and you'll find your way you'll find your way. But if you if you apply this umbrella of being selfish is good. How does it feel to put myself first? Well, it feels I feel guilty for doing that, because I've been told all my life not to do that. And it's like, how, how did we come to that conclusion, again, we came to that conclusion, because I please mean, right, just do the things I want you to do. And I'll be happy, I'll feel good. And if you don't, you've got a very short leash, because if you don't do the things that I want you to do, then I don't feel good. And I don't like that. And I think it's your fault. You see how intertwined and messy that gets, if we would all just get selfish and tend to how we feel. And yeah, we will play with people that will push our buttons, but that's part of being a human, and that those people are huge gifts to you, that the number one you attracted you rendezvous with. But also, you could thank those people that push your buttons, you can say thank you for contributing to my expansion. You're really annoying to me right now because I'm perceiving you from that perspective. Or, or or you are, you know, put in whatever you want. And but this interaction is causing me to expand. So really on the flip side of that is a huge thank you for causing me to expand and in this moment, I am not taking my expansion I am not that of all which I've become in this moment because I'm still blaming you. But you've contributed greatly to my experience.

Nik Tarascio

Give me a real example of that so I can really, really grasp it.

Christine Meyer

Well, so Okay, a real example is my daughter the other day when stirred a few things up, and, and I was not happy about that. I was angry about that, about her choices. And so she is the creator of her life. She's going to create experiences for herself too. Expand, that's none of my business really. And when this all unfolded, I had emotions around it, right, I felt angry, I felt disappointed, I felt sort of all a little bit all over the place, numerous emotions around. And, but once I was able to take step back from it, I was able to think, Alright, so she did this thing, I had a reaction to it. Whether it's right or wrong, I don't like really to put things in categories like that right or wrong, good or bad. It's an experience that she attracted into her experience for her own choices for her own experience for her own expansion. So as I look at that, and I see it, is there a different perspective, rather than judgment, rather than being disappointed rather than being angry, rather than then wanting to blame her for how I feel and and judge her, let's say, How can I take that experience that's made me expand, because now I have an opportunity, look at something that I've never looked at before. And think of it differently. Without that experience that I run a food with, I can keep, keep on keeping on with my beliefs and my assumptions and my judgments and my perspectives about things. Having that experience expanded me into a whole new universe of understanding of letting go of some old beliefs, some, some, some wiring that I might have around what parenting means, what parenting is, what a good or bad air quotes here, parent I am, what a good job, I'm doing what and, and because we are wired to love, we just are at the core of who we are, we are wired to love and when we are not loving, we are diminishing our own experience. So in those moments, when something is happening, that you don't like, you might not be able to feel love or appreciation for it. But as you step away from it and review it, can you find appreciation for that? Can you find the benefits in having an experience that you don't want? Think that you don't want? Can you find the benefits and the positive aspects, the the expanded version of what's really going on here? Because we're all expanding beings. And when we don't feel good, we've expanded and we're not going with that expansion. And so we do limit ourselves, we limit ourselves in those moments, we have these reactions to things, and then we kind of leave it there.

Nik Tarascio

When it comes to children, I always try not to press too much on a specific story so that no one is sharing too deeply in that way. But I'm wondering if you could share without maybe telling her side of it? What was the judgment? And then what was the specific thought expansion that took place for you?

Christine Meyer

Yeah, that's a great question. So so the the, the judgment around it was, you shouldn't have done that. The judgment around that was I don't like that the judgment around that was, you know, better than that. And then then a layer underneath that was, what does that mean about me as a parent? Right, because because, as a parent, I take my child as an extension of me, she's her own person and all of that, but her behaviors and how she goes out into the world. I do feel it's a reflection on me, also. And so that's the expansion. That's the expansion is how much does it reflect on me? How, how much does this have to do with me versus her being the creator of her own reality? Also, it touched on am I trying to control this child? How much control Have I got? What's mine and what's hers? What part of this is going to benefit her? And what part of it is it benefiting me? Because really, what's benefiting her is none of my business. That's for her to work out. I just hope that I give her the tools to work that out. But what she gets from it is truly none of my business. What I get from it is and so it it broadened my thought it because you can only you bump into things to help you expand And you bump into things to, to question your own perspectives and beliefs. And so it had me really, again wonder, how can I continue to let go, she's my child, and I feel responsible for her, but she's also the creator of her own reality, and she will continue to create her reality, whether I like it or not. And I might not always like it or not. And so then how can I then think differently about the situation? Am I? Am I blowing it out of proportion? Am I? How did I bump into this? And can I appreciate that I did bump into this and see it, again, to the point that we were speaking about as a sitcom see it as it's kind of funny. It's kind of funny.

Nik Tarascio

Yeah, you know, it's the piece that I hear coming through, there's, as you were speaking, one I'll share a silly story is that my family has this funny thing we do at dinner, where when there's, you know, some shared food, or like a brownie, we'll just keep cutting it in half, until there's like the smallest morsel left, because no one wants to take the last piece. Right? I'm realizing like this plays that that, that dynamic of selfishness, but the other side of it is judgment. It's a fear of judgment, right? It's like, I want to have that because clearly I keep taking from it. But I don't want to be the one to take the last bit because of how that will be perceived by everybody else. So it's, it's a really funny thing of like, don't clear the plate, don't be the one to take the last bit so that no one else is left with anything. And as as you were talking that was coming through. And I started to think through how selfishness and judgment are these really complicated things of, you know, it's easy for me to say like my outside judgment is the worry, but it's not. It's actually my inner judgment. That is holding me back from being selfish. It's, it's the it's my projection of what I believe other people would think because I actually ranked that about myself. So I'm wondering how you've seen that judgment come up in the narratives, again, you're working with some of the most impressive people on the planet, right. And one thing I've noticed, as I've spent more time in, like the YPO communities in the entrepreneurial community is, it almost seems like people only go as far as they allow themselves to get right. There's a certain point where like, I couldn't make more money than this, or I couldn't possibly have done that. How do you help people with this concept of expanding their own self worth overcoming judgment and allowing themselves to be selfish,

Christine Meyer

then? Well, it's different for everybody, right? Because everybody's in a different place about it. There are common beliefs there are, there are similar perspectives about being selfish, certainly. But I really work with the individual on where they're at with it. So that that could just be again, we talk about the broader perspective, we talk about the bigger general concepts of things first, because we need to lay a foundation on selfishness. If I just say to you, Nick, just stop being selfish, you're gonna say, but no, why? Why would I. But now that we've laid that foundation, now that I've sort of explained or expanded upon the subject of selfishness and brought in a new perspective, you're going to start considering that you are. And so it's, it's that a lot of it is that I'm bringing in new perspectives, I'm bringing in new foundations from which we bounce off of, and then you, I can't apply it for you. We talk about how to apply it, we talk about how you apply it here and perhaps couldn't, didn't feel right to apply it here and so on. But you have to discover how that plays into your life and you pay attention to how you feel you pay attention to what you're thinking you pay attention to your inner dialogue, you pay attention to how you, you're the judgment that you're having about yourself for saying, No, you know what, I'm not going to do that tonight because I'd rather stay home or I'd rather kind of like put yourself in a group of people who want to go to a restaurant. And let's say you're all standing on a street corner and you want Chinese food, but everyone and someone else wants steak and someone else wants doughnuts and someone else wants whatever right sushi and how do you ever How do you ever sort that out? Unless you're unless you're willing unless it's okay with you to go and have some of the other but if you really want what you want, why not just say hey, you guys go do your thing. I'm gonna go eat what I want and I'll see you later. But again, it's about taking responsibility for self taking credit for self taking credit for how I feel and and what I want because what you want and what I want might be different, but neither one is wrong.

Nik Tarascio

I mean, this literally just happened last night was I've my fiance and my friend wanted to have sexual Chinese. I don't really like it. I don't like the spice makes my tongue numb. Not not fun for me. Like did you go No. I literally said I won't go I'm actually like I prefer to go to this other place and we got Indian instead. I'm okay with spice, just not certain spices. But it was like really interesting because at first I was like, I don't want to go. But I kind of threw a bit of a tantrum of like, I'm going to leverage the fact that me not going is the punishment. Like it's very avoidant behavior, right? And it's like, Wait, actually, I'm trying to muscle an outcome, which is also not great. It's like true. If I can say from a place of care, recognize, yeah, if I can, if I can say from a place of care, why don't you guys go, if that's what you really want to enjoy, I'm happy to opt out. But if you'd like me to be included, I'd prefer this other place. So I'll let you guys choose whether being with me is more important than sensual and Chinese. And I'm not offended either way, if that's your choice. So it was like an interesting,

Christine Meyer

so much freedom, freedom, there's so much freedom. And that is that, like I said, Let others off the hook. And you know, there was a time, I don't know, several years ago, when the for July 4, my husband and daughter wanted to go see the the fireworks downtown. And I just didn't want to. And so I said, Hey, you guys go, I'm going to stay home, I wanted to see the fireworks. But I didn't want to go there. And that's okay. Right what I want and what they want is, even if it's different, it's okay. And so I didn't feel offended that they went without me, I didn't try and pull a guilt trip or manipulate them into doing what I wanted to do. I truly freely wanted them to do what they wanted to do while I also wanted to do what I wanted to do. And so off they went, they saw the fireworks there. And I sat here and I came upstairs, I looked out the windows, and I probably saw five different spots of fireworks going off. And so what why I'm saying this story here is because I want people to start, at least considering the idea that we can all have what we want, even if it looks different.

Nik Tarascio

Yeah. Yeah, except Except, and again, this is where I had a real edge with this yesterday was, did I actually want to just have different food on my own? Or did I actually want them to come to the other restaurant with me? Because what I didn't do yesterday was powerfully say, Listen, I'm pretty attached to not eating at that place, because it makes me feel sick. But I'd very much like to spend time with you guys, would you? Would you be open to that invitation. Now again, it all worked out in my favor. But it was almost too much vulnerability for me to say, I would feel sad if we didn't have dinner together. This is someone who was visiting from out of town. So it's I would have felt sad, had he not been there? Or if he had chosen the food over spending time with me. But I found that I didn't really say it was in the

Christine Meyer

food, chosen the food over spending time with me. Is there a different way that you could look at that? You're making it a disorder that when not really, like if you want something to eat and he wants something deep? Could he not goes get something to eat? And then you get together again later?

Nik Tarascio

Yeah, I mean, again, and I think that's also part of the like, expansive possibility of hey, instead of meeting tonight for dinner, why don't you go get the food, you want to get the food I want. And we can catch up on another time while you're here in town. But it's hard not to personalize it. It's hard not to see that like, again, practice. Yeah, it does. I can see that. And again, I I imagine that, especially in long term intimate relationships or business partnerships are any like real high stakes, you know, dependent team process, that it's even harder to ask for that because it brings in all this other stuff of like, let's say I'm the more picky eater, right? And I'm not I happen to be less picky generally. But if I was the more picky eater, I'd imagine then all the shaming language comes in of like, Oh, God, you're always have an issue with everything I suggest. It's always that it's always this. So again, I imagine it's hard for some people to be selfish, when they're just different from the norm, right? It's lovely. If you're like, if you love watching baseball and drinking beers great, like you'll have plenty of people you can hang out with. But for those of us that are the strange outliers, I imagine it's it's probably not we here

Christine Meyer

are well, it's really not that unique. And it is it's yes and a little bit. And aren't we outliers, sort of the not necessarily the Rule Breakers but the we, we question the rules. We question the beliefs around us we questioned, we question authority, we question all kinds of things right? And so Aren't we here sort of leading the way for other people, because none of us are free until we recognize that we are in charge of how we feel and what we perceive and find ways to feel better, and find ways to change our perspectives so that we we selfishly feel good. Because feeling bad, never feels good. And there's nothing wrong with feeling bad, but feeling bad, never feels good. So aren't we the ones who are on that leading edge who are saying, wait a minute, there's another way to look at this. Wait a minute, there's another belief that I could have there's something that I'm bumping into here. Whenever you feel bad, you got to know you've got to know that you are bumping into a limiting belief of Sometimes you're bumping into an outdated belief right here now, and you can do something about it now, did that belief serve you up until now probably, certainly hasn't harmed you, now you're bumping into it because you've expanded, you're not going to feel good. Unless you're moving in the direction of your expansion. You will feel dissatisfied for the rest of your life, if you don't find ways to feel good about movement forward.

Nik Tarascio

I mean, it's, it's funny, every time I talk to you, I'm always like, I have no idea why we're talking. And I did, as I told you before we started recording, like, I don't ever have a why other than it's just fun to talk to you. Like I don't Yeah, there are people in my life that it's you know, it's an agenda. You're like, we're talking about this particular thing. And the goal is to get to some conclusion, when I talk to you, it's always fun just to meander through thoughts and find out that we're really at the crux of, at least for me, the idea that I will only ever have as much as I allow myself to have. Yep. And that's kind of 100% kind of hurts to think that is that, you know, I, again, I grew up middle class, around private jets. So I saw the Uber wealthy, and, you know, indoctrinated in, like the middle class should assume that wealthy people got that by doing dumb shit, their money came from gotten gains, so that you don't think you want that too. And you're not willing to do those things. But

Christine Meyer

like, none of those beliefs serve you. That's right, those beliefs hold you from your own abundance.

Nik Tarascio

That's right. That's exactly right. So it's like I keep hitting into these walls as I've gone down this road. And then I'm like, oh, it's interesting that I think a lot of the people I've spoken to that have it all, they sold for tons of money, right? They've got all the money in the world, they still have limiting beliefs that are now actually holding the mirror up to them of like, are you even worthy of this much are you allowed to?

Christine Meyer

Absolutely. And, you know, again, there are all kinds of ways that this conversation could go but but if you're if, if you're accustomed to, to a certain lifestyle, let's say, then then your expectation is higher to allow more of that, you see. And so if you're giving, taking your your example, here, now, if you're born into money, your expectation of having money is higher, so you allow it more, if you were born not in money, and you worked your way hard, through something to something and became very wealthy, and then sold it right, then then you you found ways to allow it, perhaps through your struggling, your suffer, brings suffering. And then over the course of time, you come to believe that money only comes through hard work, struggle and suffering, and proving yourself and earning it. So so there's no, there's no straight path to anything, although we all want that straight path, everything that we introduce into our own lives is for our benefit is for our own evolution is for our own discovery and our own. So you are the creator of it, and you are also the creator of view. So you are you are creating and you are the creator, and you are the result of the creation, you see. And so, so yes, we there isn't one person on this planet who doesn't bump into some kind of a belief wall. At some point about something, whether that be money, whether that be relationships, self, it age, moving through time, like even there, let's talk about moving through time and and what people come to expect. They look around the the observe people moving through time, and many of them decline, many of them get sick, many of them, whatever, whatever, whatever. So that trains you, if you will, into an expectation of what's to come for you, even though you don't want it, you come to believe that that's what's coming for you to I don't want it but that's probably how you see what I'm where I'm going here. So at some point in time, you've got to start asking yourself, what do I want my experience to be? And, and about anything about anything, but while that's while I see that and that in that in that in that in that? What do I want my experience to be think of going to a restaurant and seeing a buffet a menu full of choices. You go to the restaurant, you say what do I want to eat? You can observe some of the other things on the on the menu and say, I don't really like that don't like that. But you're going to choose something that you want. So that that's really we have the ability to we do obliviously often, but we have a more we have more control over the outcomes we have more control over what we are actually creating. But the reason why we get some of this, and some of that, and some of this, and some of that, and some of this, and some of that is really, because we're looking at what we want, and we're talking about what we don't, we're looking at what we want, and we don't believe we can have it, we're looking at what we want. And we decide that that's just for them. Or we look at what we want, or what we would prefer. And we say yeah, but that's not how I was brought up. In inside, at the very core of me, I know I was born selfish. We all know that when we're born, but that's trained out of us. Don't you do that? You'll be selfish, please me first. You see, and so so many of the things that we accept are things that we've observed, we've been told, we perceive we felt and didn't check to see if that was really true for us to where we wanted to be wanted it to be true. And so there are plenty of opportunities, life will give you plenty of opportunities every day to bump into your limiting beliefs and ask yourself, Is this what I truly want to continue to believe?

Yeah, this resonates?

Nik Tarascio

I'm I'm wondering what, you know, again, just more of a general curiosity. What do you believe is the most insidious, limiting belief that shows up in in the people you've worked with?

Christine Meyer

Great question. I don't think there's any belief that is insidious, because you've come to that conclusion somehow. So I feel like what you believe is valid? Because you've come to that conclusion. But is it? Is it true? Is it authentically true, meaning authentic to who you truly are? So I think that one of the primary beliefs that people have is, I am not worthy. And I need to spend the rest of my lifetime proving myself worthy. And that applies for my clients.

Nik Tarascio

Yeah, I imagine that people that are really good at pushing boundaries and going beyond where they were yesterday, because there are definitely some growth minded folks, right, especially entrepreneurial people, I imagine that being on the train of having the blessing of continued success must much just keep smashing into that edge. It's like dammit, I actually finally got comfortable what I had last year. And now I have more again this year. And then I'm starting a new with this whole, this whole concept of Am I worthy of this? Now I need to prove my worth to be here. And again, I only I don't know that perfect. But I know that that has been a little bit of my journey is every time I have a win, I'm like crap, we're here again. We're here again,

Christine Meyer

you always will be because because it's what you're wired, you are wired, you were born wanting, if you didn't want the world would not expand. And so every human being that, you know, wants and even for the even the people say no, I don't want anything we want. If you still want there's still desire there is there not? I don't want anything. Yeah, that that is still a want. And so we are wired to want we are wired for desires, because desires is what keeps the universe expanding us and the universe. That's That's how evolution happens. Desires. He will evolution. And so wanting is never never never a bad thing. And think about it. When you get to when you get to a destination, let's say you, you get in your plane and you get to a destination where you don't just sit there in the plane, you get out of the plane and you check out what's there. So so it's it's, it's it's a false premise to believe that we shouldn't want and it's a false premise to believe that wanting more selfish or greedy, because we are wired at the very core of us to want more. Now the distinction I like to make is can you want more and be satisfied with where you are? Can you want more and be satisfied on the way to more knowing that what you want is inevitable? And most people don't believe because and me included? I don't always believe that I can have what I want because sometimes I want that something that's far beyond where I am right now. So it's hard. It's hard. It feels hard. It's like well, wait a minute, can I want something that that that I've not experienced yet? And the answer is yes. The answer is what I want is inevitable. Now can I mold my beliefs to match more of that desire? Because if I'm saying I want that but I want that but I want that but but but but then I'm walking around with a whole lot of butts and not much problem. Rest Of War toward what I want. But the nature of our being is to desire desire is desire is part of our DNA, if you will.

Nik Tarascio

Man, you're just dropping bombs. So we got to land the plane soon, but I have two final questions make it a soft landing. Yeah, exactly. We're not gonna we're gonna have a hard landing today. In the case of, I mean, there's just so much rich stuff in these questions, I almost want to do part two immediately. But we can we think about this experience of desire that we all have, there's kind of a couple of different things to do. One is to say, if I don't believe I'm worthy of more than I need to shame, the desire or dissociate from that desire. On the flip side, if we want something that's like you said, I can't see the path to get there. Like, it'll probably reveal itself at some point. But today, I can't see because it's so far to go. How do I sit in the discomfort of that desire without resenting it?

Christine Meyer

Know that see that? That's ask a different question.

Nik Tarascio

What question should I truly don't know? Like, I mean, this is, this has been, you know, look,

Christine Meyer

I was never asking you to sit in the discomfort of anything.

Nik Tarascio

I know. You're not how can I? I know you're not. But I think it's like that the you know, again, I was raised in a certain way. And a lot of that is, you know, your wants are not necessary. Your needs, maybe, maybe you need too much, right? Like, there's something to that,

Christine Meyer

well, you your needs are never too much. It's just that, you know, when you ask your parents for your fourth pair of shoes, when you were a kid, and they didn't have the money. They felt bad number one. And so what's the next best answer is like you greedy little bugger. Why do you always want more, you've already got three pair of shoes. So so it's understandable why people come to that conclusion. But but the idea is that when there's something that feels out of your reach that you want, can you understand that so Oh, this is good here. So pure desire, sorry, my face is really dark. But here we go. The pure desire, feels good, pure. People have learned to associate desire with yearning. I love that. But oh, but that kind of thing in that little voice,

Nik Tarascio

for Exactly exactly.

Christine Meyer

That, but I don't have it right. So then that's how we learn to manipulate, have temper tantrums, scream, beg, plead, borrow, whatever. And instead of understanding, desire, pure desire feels good, pure desire, from your soul's perspective is yummy. Something more to want, yay, something to work toward, move toward. And the reason we have desires is for the journey toward them. It's when you think about it, when you when you have a desire, and you and you finally get to it. You're happy with it. And you might appreciate it and like it and love it and have a thrilling moment about it. But how long do you just sit there and say, Good, I did that. Done. Now I'm done. Now I'm done. If you don't, there's other things you want other things, other places to be people to see and that kind of thing. So so no, no, I think it's important to understand the difference make the distinction that desire. pure desire feels good. resisted desire feels horrible.

Nik Tarascio

Yeah, I hear a lot of foot on the gas put on the brake at the same time here. Yeah, okay. And that, okay, that's a powerful distinction, to really say, we are wired to want I think that's kind of the biggest thing I take from today. That's that's where I feel like we finally come to is we by nature should want and we should feel good in the wanting and that desiring we should find a way to give ourselves that permission.

Christine Meyer

We by nature can't help but want not should can't help but want. We by nature are not meant to feel bad about wanting. We by nature are made to want and feel the purity of desire. We as humans, get in the way of our desires.

Well said.

Nik Tarascio

Well said, yeah, that is again, I could go forever in these conversations. I've just every time we talk I'm like, I wish time wasn't a thing. And maybe it's not but in this case, unfortunately. So I have to ask you the last question It's so important.

Christine Meyer

And just to time, you know, we do live within the context of time. Which gives us structure.

Nik Tarascio

Yeah. Yeah. So, again, typically My question is, you know, you started out with a dream of being a vet and race cars and helping others. I'm actually curious to know what's your dream beyond what do you dream about now and maybe it's even what is just your desire? What is that most pleasurable desire that you hold today?

Christine Meyer

To tune be joyful to playfully joyfully live? Wherever that takes me

Nik Tarascio

fantastic I wish I had a whoopee cushion or something to sound off in this moment.

Christine Meyer

Darn it, I shouldn't

Nik Tarascio

myself for not having thought this through but I was like in that moment. Next one, some people ring bells and hit gongs. We would have just had a nice whoopee cushion sound to say. We did it you know

Christine Meyer

and and like I have I have bathroom humor all the way through I was brought out with with three brothers and that was how we bonded we at the dinner table. They would all art can I say that on here? Oh, I to this day. I just It just It cracks me up.

Nik Tarascio

Yeah, well, again, it's it's beautiful to come back full circle from the moment we were hanging out and CBS. And I think it was 2012 or something like that. So it's been it's been quite. So I think you really recapped it quite beautifully with what you said. And wow, just it's a big it's a big idea that we are wired to want. And sometimes we get in the way of of

Christine Meyer

right often. Yeah, and often and that's okay. Like, I want to make that okay, but you can get out of your way. Yeah.

Nik Tarascio

Well, I'm gonna I'm gonna hold that I'm gonna hold that for a little bit. My current desire is to really grasp what you're saying. To be able to fully give myself that experience of wanting as someone that always wants more always has wanted more and was pretty verbal about it until I was told to stop talking about it all the time. Because it's seen as a complaint, which is interesting, because I was like, Yes, I was yearning. I wasn't desiring. I didn't think I could have it so I was suffering it

Christine Meyer

right and back to your I know you want to end here but back to your your comment before how can I? I'm paraphrasing here be okay with the dissatisfaction want to say don't be okay with the dissatisfaction. Find a way to be satisfied knowing that you'll always want more. It's an endless journey of more. And so can you find a way to be satisfied with right where you are on your inevitable way to more?

Nik Tarascio

You speak well, you think well, too. It's fun. It's fun to watch how your mind works. So thank you. Thank you so much for being here and I again, I encourage for for any listeners interested in learning more about Christine's thoughts and work and just how her mind processes really cool information. Check out her book keep it simple, smarty pants, and you can also get a free chapter on our websites. If you check out our website. You can download a free chapter and check it out. Very low commitment but either way, Christine just so awesome to hear this stuff and I hope everyone had a great great time listening to our conversation about what be cushions

Christine Meyer

Thanks, Nick for having me.

Nik Tarascio

Take care. Thank you for listening to the dream beyond. I hope that you receive whatever message or inspiration you were meant to get from today's episode.

I had a great time recording it for you.

Nik Tarascio

If you love the show, please take 30 seconds to subscribe rate and review it that really helps get the word out. And if you want to connect with me, you can find me at

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enigmaticexplorer · 10 months ago

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Maia! I can't thank you enough for your kind words. This was such a slow-paced chapter, but those soft moments are some of my favs :)

He probably couldn't deal with the thought of looking at Kazi after he did it 😅🥹 mans giving himself second hand embarrassment for no reason haha. But AGAIN it's part of his quiet affections!! Bit by bit their lives are becoming more entangled and it makes me so happy!

A few things on this because this is one of the most important things in their developing relationship! You are completely right--Wolffe shows his affections quietly, and mostly through actions rather than words. Wolffe knows Kazi--he knows her morning routine, he knows she's hyper-independent--and him cutting the lumina berries is an attempt for him to show Kazi what he's ✨feeling.✨ A little behind the scenes: Wolffe thinks he's being obvious and clear with his intentions. He's actually so confident in himself that the events in Chapter 13 are a SHOCK to him. He's trying, and that's all that matters haha.

we as the audience know what pairing IYASIF is, Kazi doesn't, so Kazi legitimately believes this even if she thinks she's lying at this point.

You get it! It's obvious that as the readers, we know Kazi and Wolffe will get together. But Kazi doesn't know anything! It's easy to judge her and criticize her for not recognizing these signs but 1) she's mistrustful, an overthinker, and self-saboteur, and 2) her fear of abandonment prevents her from acknowledging her real feelings.

She's an interesting mirror to Kazi though, the clear outcome of Kazi's AU and it's fascinating to read about!

Haha Carinthia is such a fun character. I love her. I hate her. She's really there to poke Kazi and it makes for such a fun dynamic, in my opinion. My favorite part about Carinthia is that she's not nice. Her backstory makes her more sympathetic but she wants revenge on the Empire. And she's willing to play mean and dirty to get it.

she masked so well she's pretty much wearing the social equivalent of a hazmat suit at all times.

STOP. I love this--hazmat suit 😂 because you're so right! Sometimes I wonder if Kazi even knows her real self because of how long she's spent masking herself. And yes--Wolffe, Neyti, Daria, and even the other men are proving they like her without the mask! She can't see it yet, but it's there! They're recognizing her! She simply needs to start recognizing their recognition!

I love how Fox quietly tries to engage with her when he's so mistrustful of everything around him, he's quieter and less involved and yet here he is trying to help!

I can't remember if I've said this yet, but Fox is a mirror to Kazi. At the end of the chapter, Wolffe even comments on it. And that's why Fox and Kazi get along so well. Because they know what the other feels. (It's also why Wolffe is better at navigating Kazi than other people. He's had practice with Fox.)

Joking aside I really fucking feel for Fox here, he and his brothers have been through so much

Honestly, Fox has been such a delight to write. I understand and enjoy stories following the clones in the Empire-era where they're committed to rebellion, but I also think there is a flip side with the clones who are tired and just want to rest. The clones who spent their entire lives fighting a pointless war and now just want to stop. And it made sense, in my mind, for that to be Fox. He's done some bad things; he's endured some bad things. He can be so antagonistic in later chapters because his entire goal is to see his brothers happy. And he's willing to do whatever is necessary to get them to that point. It actually sets him at odds with his brothers and even Kazi (jumping the gun here but it's to come!). He believes he knows what's best for his brothers and he's pissed that they refuse to see it. It's something he struggles with (a foil to Kazi? 😏) and it's something he has to work on throughout this story. Anyway, some "fun" moments to come between him and Kazi when they don't see eye-to-eye haha.

I love that Wolffe isn't letting her push him away

YES. Wolffe cares, and he's persistent enough to keep pursuing Kazi, even when she tries to push him away. He's committed, and I love him so much for it haha.

ALLI YOU'RE KILLING ME

The end of this chapter is a fav of mine! Neyti with her flower crown and Wolffe's compliment! Wolffe saying Kazi is his friend! Wolffe brushing her hair away and Kazi letting him! Watching the stars together! Enjoying a quiet, late-night moment together! It's soft and slow-paced and I just love it so much, so I'm so happy that you like it too! For a while, I actually hated this chapter because it felt like "filler" to me. But when I started fleshing out the moments with Kazi and Wolffe at the end, it turned into something I adore. Anyway, those lines about being friends were late additions, and I'm so glad I added them!

I Yearn, and so I Fear - Chapter XII

Masterlist | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

General Summary. Nearly a year since the Galactic Empire’s rise to power, Kazi Ennari is trying to survive. But her routine is interrupted—and life upended—when she’s forced to cohabitate with former Imperial soldiers. Clone soldiers.

Pairing. Commander Wolffe x female!OC

General Warnings. Canon-typical violence and assault, familial struggles, terminal disease, bigotry, explicit sexual content, death. This story deals with heavy content. If you’re easily triggered, please do not read. For a more comprehensive list of tags, click here.

Fic Rating. E (explicit)/18+/Minors DNI.

Chapter Word Count. 4.7K

Beta. @starstofillmydream

23 Melona

The meeting with Carinthia was quick. Kazi transferred the men’s datastick and Carinthia exchanged the Imperial credits.

A cooler morning kept the warehouse’s temperature tolerable. It had been weeks since Kazi was last called here for network-related dealings, and even longer since the network’s contacts requested her to spy. She found the lack of both communication and work odd. However, there were more important things keeping her busy.

Her interaction with Carinthia was fairly quiet. Carinthia seemed more tense than usual, her words polished yet curt, her Inner Rim accent detectable. Kazi didn’t pay much attention to the exchange or Carinthia’s moodiness. Her mind was elsewhere, stuck like a fly caught in a spiderweb.

This morning, when she started on breakfast, she found a lumina berry already prepared. Long strips, somewhat jagged and imperfect, rested on a plate for Neyti. Chunks, cubed and proportional, cluttered a bowl.

Wolffe was notably absent from his usual spot, working outside, tending to his garden.

Kazi regarded the lumina berry strips and chunks for far too long. Her mind whirred from confusion while something deep and inscrutable inside her warmed.

The thought of Wolffe preparing the lumina berry bothered her. She had clearly been too open yesterday at the Marketplace. Too vulnerable. She didn’t want his fucking pity, and she had half a mind to call him out on it—

“I’m surprised you’re not married yet.”

The sheer randomness of the comment caught Kazi off guard, and she could only blink her confusion, eyeing Carinthia.

Marital conversations she expected from Daria. But the opinion of a stranger, and especially the opinion of someone like Carinthia, both annoyed and unsettled her. Her bafflement must have been obvious because Carinthia shrugged, tucking a crimson curl behind her ear.

“I researched Ceaia when you first joined the network,” Carinthia said. “A woman of your age should have been married by now, and with two kids.” She sniffed. “Your culture emphasizes marital duty, yet here you are. Unmarried and childless, unless you count Neyti, whom I don’t.”

Electing nonchalance to defensiveness, Kazi shrugged, crossing her arms over her chest. “I never agreed with that part of my culture.”

“That’s not so surprising.” Carinthia snickered. “Your life has always been so easy. I suspect ignoring a major part of your culture’s expectations was something you could casually brush aside without fear of consequence.”

The condescension in Carinthia’s tone made her clench her jaw. Their introductions to the network differed, and even though their roles complemented one another, their interactions were few. But it was clear, from those few instances, that Carinthia didn’t care for her. Snide remarks, disparaging looks, tense disagreements.

“My life hasn’t been easy,” Kazi said stiffly. “I may not be a slave in one of the Empire’s mines, but not everything has gone my way, either.”

“No?” Carinthia picked at a nail. “You have a job. A home. You have people who love you. You’re safe and happy. Your life is the epitome of easy.”

Kazi had told herself the same thing over the last few months. The last decade. Her life was easy, her struggles were incomparable to those of others, and she had no right to complain. But there was one inaccuracy in Carinthia’s assessment: She wasn’t safe. And she didn’t appreciate someone like Carinthia judging her life.

“I’m not sure what your problem is”—Kazi arched a wry eyebrow—“but your life has been just as easy, if not easier.”

Anger flushed Carinthia’s face.

“You were born into a wealthy family on an Inner Rim planet,” Kazi said. “All you’ve known for the entirety of your life is luxury and wealth. You’ve probably never wanted for a single thing.”

“You know me so well.” Carinthia sneered, blue eyes cold and unfeeling.

Kazi considered her for a moment and then shook her head. It was obvious Carinthia wanted an argument, but she wasn’t interested in one. Turning on her heel, she strode toward the warehouse’s door—

“I was forced into my marriage.”

The words were hushed, and Kazi nearly ignored her fellow rebel, her hand poised on the door, but curiosity stalled her movements. Still turned away from Carinthia, she hesitated. Carinthia’s past wasn’t her business, and she had no desire to spend more time than necessary with members of the rebel network. Yet she couldn’t move.

“I was a dutiful wife. Obedient and loyal,” Carinthia murmured. “I was everything my parents expected me to be. What my husband and his mother expected of me. I was the perfect wife.”

Telling herself she would regret it, Kazi lowered her hand from the door and faced the other woman.

Shadows embraced Carinthia’s lone figure. Mocking and delighted, they sunk her cheeks and nipped at her sharp collarbones. They dulled her eyes into vacuous pits of emptiness.

“I was the perfect wife, until I lost my child.” An eerie smile sucked what little color remained in Carinthia’s face. “My husband expected a child. He said it was my duty to provide as many children as he desired.”

A hint of nausea curdled her stomach; an unnatural chill pimpled her skin.

“Losing my child…losing her was…” Carinthia shook her head, wiping at her mouth. “The Empire came to power shortly after and I refused to sit quietly while my husband supported Palpatine’s domination. I was ostracized from my family for speaking out, for losing my child, for not providing another so quickly. I ran away, got in contact with the network, and made myself useful.”

It was like looking through a window to an alternate timeline.

The haggard face before her—the cold resentment and unfeeling disdain—belonged to the woman Kazi could have been if she hadn’t left her mother’s house. If she hadn’t found another opportunity.

“My daughter would have been two today,” Carinthia said, her voice breaking. She glanced at the dusty windows lining the top of the warehouse, blinking away her emotion until a cool, unaffected mask sat in place. “Did you make it to the kid’s field trip?”

Kazi regarded Carinthia carefully. “I did.”

A bird’s song eclipsed the silence between them. Kazi briefly considered offering platitudes of sympathy, but she knew Carinthia would dismiss them.

“Have you ever been loved?”

The question was so casual and innocent that Kazi nearly laughed from its absurdity. It was the sincere curiosity on Carinthia’s face that convinced her to remain serious. To take Carinthia seriously. She answered truthfully, “When I was a kid.”

“I fell in love once,” Carinthia said. “When I was a young girl who knew no better.”

Carinthia closed her eyes. Flickers of pale sunlight played along the planes of her face, softening the hurt deadening her features.

“I have found that love only leads to pain.” Carinthia laughed. Quiet and cold. “I used to crave that sort of intimacy more than life itself.”

Muscles stiffened down her spine and Kazi stilled.

Long ago, when she was a little girl, she dreamt of falling in love.

She dreamt she would live in the lighthouse. Revived and beautifully painted, it would be her castle. For she would be a princess, and one day she would meet a knight, and they would fall in love and she would never be alone. One day, she would never fear the indomitable vastness of loneliness.

But dreams were fleeting and reality a wheel that crushed frivolous wishes and imaginings. She was a little girl who broke, and there was no knight to rescue her.

So she clawed herself to safety, and it was isolating and exhausting, and she didn’t care for the progressive advice claiming she was brave and strong for standing on her own. She was tired of being strong, and she was tired of being alone.

“I think you understand,” Carinthia said, “more than you let on.”

Kazi fisted her hands behind her back. “I’ve never fallen in love.”

“Why not?”

Once, there was a little girl inside of her who yearned for intimacy. Yearned for the vulnerability of trust. Yearned to be seen and known fully.

But that girl was dead.

Kazi had killed her.

Killed everything she represented: whimsical innocence of life; fantastical longing for companionship.

Most importantly, she killed the part of her that yearned for love.

Shrugging, Kazi opted for a lie. “I haven’t met someone I trust enough.”

“It’s hard to meet someone you can trust when you remain so closed off.”

Kazi scoffed, needing to lessen the intensity of emotions she hadn’t allowed herself to feel in so long. “Being quiet—”

“I’m not talking about a quiet personality.” Carinthia waved a dismissive hand. “I’m talking about vulnerability. Does anyone in your life actually know you?”

Kazi held Carinthia’s gaze. People knew of her. Old classmates at university, familiar faces at the harbor.

But she knew the truth. She knew there was a depth to the question most people wouldn’t understand; a depth she was all too familiar with.

“Invulnerability will protect you from potential pain and hurt,” Carinthia said. Her smile was pitying. “It will also isolate you from meaningful companionship.”

Chuckling uncomfortably, Kazi reached for the door.

“There will come a day when you find yourself loved,” Carinthia said, approaching her at a non-threatening pace, her hands finding the pockets of her black jacket. “But that person will want to know you. They will want to know the best parts, and the worst parts, and everything in between. And one day, you will have to make a decision to either let them in or push them away.”

A meter separated them. The icy blue of Carinthia’s eyes thawed.

“What do you think you will decide?”

The words plagued Kazi the rest of the day, containing a truth she refused to acknowledge or accept.

A truth that had haunted her for years.

28 Melona

Muted oranges fell prey to the darkening blue of the sunset.

Enjoying a cup of lemon juice she found inside the stasis along with a plate of warmed food, Kazi shifted her attention from the sunset to the people.

Seated among the stalky ferns overrunning the backyard, Neyti was drawing on her sketchpad. Nearby, Nova was reading his datapad—most likely the scientific article detailing the creation of nysillin shots he had shared with Daria yesterday evening at dinner.

At the edge of the jungle, Wolffe and Cody sparred, sweat dampening their shirts. Their muscles strained beneath the other’s fists.

Wolffe jabbed and Cody sidestepped. A hand struck for Wolffe’s chest. He deflected it. A successive punch forced Cody to retreat.

They seemed evenly matched, and while Cody was quicker, Wolffe was dirtier. A deflected strike turned into a well-aimed tap in an area that should have been off-limits. It earned a baleful glare from Cody.

The backdoor swung open, startling Kazi from her viewing, and she stiffened at the sight of her sister. Daria stilled, her lips pursing. They eyed one another, and based on Daria’s disgruntled scowl, Kazi expected their argument to renew. It was one signifier of their differing approaches to handling arguments.

Daria vocalized her discontent and issues, and she didn’t shy from engaging in heated conversations. If a problem existed, she confronted it. Once the argument ended, she moved on. Daria was quick to anger, but also quick to cool, so long as she believed herself and her ideologies to be respected.

Similar to her sister only in their defensive attitudes, Kazi preferred silence and avoidance in the hopes the argument would soon be forgotten. By others.

Kazi never forgot conversations, and she never forgot the wrongs committed against her. There was an unintentional tallying list in the back of her mind. Categorized and kept locked away, she retrieved her list when an argument coalesced and she had to defend herself with the harbored evidence.

Until that breaking moment, she avoided possible arguments. Years with her mother antagonizing her anger, she learned it was best to mask herself. To pretend she agreed with someone in order to gain their approval.

Teachers, parents, high society mothers. The masking protected her.

Only seven days had passed since Kazi enforced the morning/evening potions but Daria looked better. Her cheeks maintained a healthy blush. The circles beneath her eyes were lighter. Even her honeyed hair appeared softer and fuller. Finger spasms and random sweats were notably absent.

Daria appeared the portrait of grace and poise she was known for back in their Reformist city. The youthful beauty and respectable personality mothers of high society males desired of a daughter-in-law.

A year ago, the rumor mill expected Daria to marry into one of the wealthiest Ceaian families. The day she turned twenty-five, per Reformist marriage customs, Daria would have announced her choice of husband, after seven years entertaining marriage proposals.

Daria turned twenty-five this last Telona. And instead of marrying into a wealthy family and establishing herself as a well-known socialite, Daria would die young. Unmarried and childless.

Marriage and children: the two dreams Daria had yearned for since they were younglings. Kazi had only ever related to Daria’s marital desires. Younglings were a different story, and one she never considered as a youngling herself.

Daria had nurtured her dolls, and Kazi had nurtured her stuffed animals.

Their dreams were different, but back then, they didn’t care. They were excited for the other. Hopeful. And even after all this time, the only thing Kazi wanted was for Daria to be okay. To live.

Her sister’s withering glare made her heart sink. Awkwardly, she cleared her throat. “Thank you for dinner—”

Daria strode away, disappearing into the living area.

Loosing a breath, Kazi faced the windows once more, folding her arms over chest.

The sky was bruising. Neyti continued to work on her sketch, though she had moved to the table with Nova. Wolffe received a jab in his ribs. Cody’s smirk taunted him and the man faked two punches before kicking Cody in the thigh. From Cody’s outraged expression, kicking wasn’t allowed. Wolffe flashed his own smirk in response.

Near-silent footsteps entered the sunroom and joined Kazi at the windows.

“When are you going to give Neyti the bird carving?” Kazi asked conversationally.

A strong nutty scent wafted through the air. From the corner of her eye, Fox slowly sipped his caf. Black caf lacking creamer or anything appealing. The chrono on the wall declared it was 20:30.

“I haven’t decided if I will.” Kazi stared at Fox, waiting for an explanation. He released a heavy sigh. “She…doesn’t like me.”

The way he watched Neyti with Nova belied both the flatness and forced disinterest of his tone. Fox might have perfected a casual demeanor that hid most of his personal motivations and emotions, but Kazi knew he cared. She knew it, because she did too.

“If you give her a chance to get to know you—”

“Have you given her a chance?” He flashed her a taunting grin. “That kid wants to know—”

“It’s really none of your business.” Kazi tugged on the end of a braid, keeping her gaze on the two men sparring and not the curious little girl.

Fox chuckled lowly. “Wolffe complains about you using that phrase. Frequently.”

“Do you need something?” she demanded.

Amusement danced in his eyes and then sobered into contemplation. His expression was solemn as he said, “Sibling dynamics are never easy.”

Kazi dug her fingernails into her biceps to stifle a reaction, even as embarrassment warmed her face. The reason she worked so hard to keep her life private—the reason she locked away her emotions and hid herself—was to protect from the judgment and criticism of others. She knew she was imperfect. But it was humiliating when others realized her own flaws.

“The oldest sibling believes himself responsible for the youngest,” Fox said. “He wants to protect his sibling. He wants to see his sibling succeed. And then you have the youngest. He wants to make his older sibling proud. He sees his effort and sacrifice. And he’s grateful.”

Outside, Cody landed a sharp jab to Wolffe’s ribs. Wolffe staggered back a step. He spat into the ferns and raised his fists, beckoning Cody forward.

“The youngest sibling wants the older sibling to respect him.” Fox set aside his mug, tucking his hands into the pockets of his trousers. “The youngest views himself as a burden. Or a responsibility.”

Kazi slid her eyes in his direction. “I thought you were a marshal commander. Wouldn’t that make you the oldest?”

“I’m not the oldest of my mates.” His chin dipped toward Wolffe and Cody. “I know my maturity makes me seem older.”

She snorted, and his lips curved into a half-smile.

“It was Wolffe who dragged me off Coruscant,” Fox said, after a hesitant moment. “He forced me to leave. I didn’t want to.”

The confession surprised her. “You wanted to stay on Coruscant?”

“Wolffe showed up. Tried to order me around.” Fox breathed a rueful chuckle. “By that time, I’d been with the Empire for six months. I hadn’t deserted. And seeing Wolffe wasn’t easy. I’d thought he was dead. I’d hoped he was dead.”

Quick mental math explained the reason Fox refused to look in her direction. He hadn’t deserted until earlier this year. Around the time of the Purge, and only two months before the men arrived on Eluca.

“I didn’t want Wolffe to risk his life for me,” Fox said. “And I didn’t appreciate him ordering me around. Telling me I needed to leave. I told him to fuck off. He stunned me and dragged me out. Got me off Coruscant.” Fox rolled his neck. “I woke up thinking he got me out because I was his responsibility. Nothing more. I found him in the cockpit and we got into a fight. Bruised each other up a bit. Had a nice long chat after.”

“I know what you’re trying to do.” Kazi reached for the white curtain near her, pretending to fix its tie. “But your situation was different. Daria is sick and unable to make her own decisions.”

Fox’s silence was intentional, and she chose to ignore it.

“Thank you, by the way,” she said. He lifted a brow in question. “For the idea to repaint the front door and banister.”

Fox shrugged. “We’re here for the time being. Might as well make the house livable.”

Slightly offended by his comment, she wrinkled her nose. “The house was perfectly livable before you arrived.”

He threw her an unimpressed look. She rolled her eyes, reconsidering his statement.

“You make it seem like you won’t be here for long,” she hedged.

“This is temporary.”

“But Wolffe is building a garden.” She waved a hand at the wired structure. “That’s fairly permanent.”

It sounded ridiculous, even to her ears, and she grimaced. But the thought of the men leaving, perhaps soon, unnerved her for some reason. Fox regarded her with a shrewdness that discomfited her further. A small line creased between his brows.

“Wolffe and Cody are dedicated to the missions,” Fox said slowly. “I want to settle down. But for now, their focus is elsewhere.”

Surprised, she frowned. “You want to settle down?”

The thought of the men building their own home, possibly finding partners and having children, seemed a juxtaposition to the soldiers undermining the Empire. A quiet, domestic life contrasted the stressful, mission-oriented lifestyle they currently lived.

“I’m tired.” The honesty in his voice was detached, resigned. “We’re all tired.”

Their sparring complete, Wolffe and Cody broke apart, joining Neyti and Nova at the table.

“They’re better at distracting themselves from it than I am.” Fox watched his brothers, his expression somber. “We all want the life we were told we couldn’t have. But they’re too afraid to go after it. So they’ll exhaust themselves with the missions ‘til they get injured enough they’re forced to stop. Or they’re killed.”

Malaise shivered down her spine and Kazi realized she was gripping the curtain so tightly her fingers were numbing. She loosened her grip, rubbing her hands together. “And you’ll follow them, even when you want to stop?”

“Always.”

Kazi studied Fox, noting the circles beneath his eyes and the wrinkles marring his forehead. She wanted to tell him he deserved the quiet, simple life he desired. That they all deserved it. But it was obvious he already knew he deserved it, and her repeating it was unnecessary. Her thoughts must have translated to her features because Fox shrugged blasely, excusing himself and taking his cup of caf outside.

Waiting a few seconds to give Fox space, Kazi approached the outdoor table. Neyti waved at her, her grin eager, and she proudly showed Kazi her new sketch—a portrait.

For someone so young, the intricate details in Daria’s face—the freckles along her cheeks and the tiny birthmark on her jaw—were eerily realistic. Neyti even captured Daria’s gentle countenance and the kind youth in her smile.

The portrait was a surreal reminder of the impending future: a contrast of Daria’s liveliness to her hastily-approaching terminality. Soon Kazi would never again see her sister’s smile. The healthy blush to her cheeks. The humored crinkles around her mouth. The adventurous twinkle in her eyes.

Such reminders crawled along Kazi’s back, like a fishing hook trying to snag her muscles and drag her far, far away. She forced herself to focus on Neyti. To smile and compliment the artwork. To follow Neyti as the little girl set aside her sketchpad, approached the neighboring jungle, and determinedly trekked through the luscious flora.

Eventually they found themselves wandering the perimeter of the lake. Neyti led the way. Every few meters she stopped to sniff a new set of flowers, and Kazi plucked a handful, twisting the stems into a small flower crown.

Soon, Wolffe joined them, his silent presence comforting and welcomed, and when Kazi placed the colorful crown atop Neyti’s head, he complimented the style, earning himself a blushing grin from the little girl. And a small, appreciative smile from the crown’s creator.

Beneath the crepuscular sky, the jungle’s nocturnal fauna awoke. Bioluminescent flora silvered the soiled trail and mossed the trees. The lake quietly lapped at the shore. Stars winked their knowing mischief, mirrored across the lake’s stilled surface. Glowing pale green plants sprouted.

As the sky darkened further, flickers of yellow scintillated. Lightning bugs.

Neyti stood at the edge of the lake and regarded the bugs with childlike awe. Even Kazi considered them with intrigue. They landed on her arms, zapped her with their stingers, and then moseyed along their way.

A hum of bugs and trills of nightly birds filled the clearing. Tension Kazi had held for months—for years—soothed into quiet currents she could easily ignore. It had been a while since she last appreciated the natural beauty of the world around her.

“I saw you talking with Fox.” Wolffe stood beside her, their elbows grazing every so often, his voice quiet so that Neyti couldn’t overhear. “You get along well.”

An unspoken question, maybe curiosity, underscored his tone and Kazi searched his face. For once, he wasn’t watching her. Rather, he overlooked the lake, eyes skimming between patches of sparking yellow.

“We’ve talked a few times,” she said. Hesitating, she knocked her elbow against his—sportive in its intent. “He cares for you. A lot.”

“I know,” he said roughly.

Oblivious to their conversation, Neyti moved from the lake’s edge toward the fallen tree. She sat on its trunk and outstretched a hand. A few seconds passed before a lightning bug landed in her palm. Her soft inhale of glee reached them and Kazi felt herself smile.

Wolffe sighed. “Fox has endured a lot.”

“You all have.”

“Cody and I had generals to rely on. When things turned for the worst.” He levelled the full weight of his gaze on her. “Fox didn’t have someone to share responsibility with. He was on his own for most of the war. And after…”

The nearby trees’ bioluminescence cast Wolffe in a silvery-blue light. It reflected in his cybernetic and swirled among the rich depths of his dark brown eye. His eyes wandered across her face, and each place they rested, her skin warmed.

“Fox doesn’t open up much. And he keeps things to himself to lessen the pressure on Cody and me.” His probing look was exasperated and pointed. “He thinks he’s doing us a favor. But he’s not.”

Kazi lifted her face toward the stars and one of Eluca’s rising moons.

Sometimes Wolffe read her too well.

“Are you insinuating something?” she said.

“You know I am.” His elbow bumped hers gently.

“You said it yourself,” she murmured. “He doesn’t want to burden you and Cody.”

“Tell me, Ennari”—Wolffe leaned closer—“is that why you do everything on your own?”

“We’re not talking about me.”

“Answer the question.”

Still observing the stelliferous horizon, Kazi swallowed, thinking about the tattoo inked into her spine. “Who better to rely on than myself?”

There was a pause and then, his voice quiet, Wolffe said, “I’m here.”

Starlight, like dewdrops, glistened; a small smile tugged on her mouth. “Is this an invitation to be friends?”

Wolffe chuckled. “Thought we already were.”

Kazi laughed, the carefree sound earning her a toothy grin from Neyti. The little girl waved in their direction and then chased after another lightning bug.

“You have an odd view of friendship,” Kazi remarked. From the corner of her eye, Wolffe shrugged, his head angled back as he studied the silver-dotted canvas. She surveyed the unfamiliar stars too, seeking constellations she knew she wouldn’t find. Jokingly, she said, “You could do better.”

“I prefer you.”

Above the treetops, alone and bright, the first moon had fully risen when Kazi returned her gaze to Wolffe. He was already staring at her.

“My father used to tell me that life was about finding the little things. Finding them and enjoying them.” They were close enough she could feel the heat from his body. Or maybe it was simply her own skin blushing beneath his unwavering stare. “You went from war to desertion to these missions, and I want to know… Do you feel alive?”

Wolffe held her gaze for multiple heartbeats and then looked away. Looked toward the lake’s mirrored surface.

The question was cryptic and obscure. A question borne from the safety of night’s vulnerability and spurred by the man whose hollow eyes were far too familiar.

“I’m not sure. I’m mostly surviving out of instinct. Keeping my brothers alive, rescuing other men. I haven’t had an opportunity since the war to figure it out.” He angled his face towards her. “You’re the same way.”

Kazi wanted to argue. To disagree and flippantly brush aside his statement as lacking true depth and understanding of her persona.

She didn’t.

Because he was correct. She attended finishing school out of duty, and strived to succeed out of a desire to earn her mother’s recognition. To be perfect. The fear of marriage—the fear of never being enough for a happy marriage—enforced her decision to run away from home and attend University. It dominated her career choice.

Daria’s disease, the Purge, Neyti.

Hiding from the Empire, trying to start a new life, working for the rebel network.

It was different from Wolffe, their experiences incomparable: his survival driven by the raw, human instinct to stay alive; her survival driven by the basic human desire to keep existing.

Long ago, though, she had known what it was like to live. It was a fleeting warmth she could still feel hints of, and yet, when she reached for it, it evaded her. Like a lightning bug uncapturable.

However, in a clearing lit by bioluminescent matter and a single moon, standing close to a man whose gaze didn’t leave hers, Kazi didn’t feel so alone.

“Being alive isn’t a crime,” she said into the silence, a subtle question edging her tone. Wolffe searched her countenance, just as she did his, as if they mutually needed the reassurance of the other.

“It’s not,” he murmured.

“Sometimes it feels like it is.”

Wolffe brushed a stray hair from her forehead. “I know.”

Bugs glowed. A frog croaked. More stars blinked.

The world existed, lost to its own machinations, and still their gazes lingered.

Masterlist | Chapter 11 | Chapter 13

A/N: It’s intentional that both Kazi and Wolffe are trying to find meaning to their lives. This fic isn’t about them “saving” the other. They’re both broken people who are hurting, but they’re both also trying—for their families, for each other, for themselves.

Also, I call them fireflies. But for the purpose of this story, it made more sense calling them lightning bugs.

Next chapter release – March 28th

Tag: @ulchabhangorm

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k-nonsense · 2 years ago

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My updated rankings/reviews of all the k dramas I have seen so far (up to 56 now). I would recommend any show I gave a C grade or higher, which is most of them. I bolded recently added shows.

1. Hometown Cha Cha Cha: An absolute masterpiece. It’s a heartwarming fish out of water story about a big city girl who finds herself in the quirkiest little seaside town. I wanted to stay in Gongjin forever. Grade: A+(Netflix)

2. Extraordinary Attorney Woo (S1): Delightful! Never have I ever rooted for a lead harder. She is the most endearing lead you will ever find. And the male lead is so so swoony. Grade: A+(Netflix)

3. Alchemy of Souls: The wildest of rides and the perfect blend of fantasy, adventure, mystery, comedy, and romance. The characters are just so lovable, you’ll never want it to end. Season 2 just as good as Season 1. Grade: A+ (Netflix)

4. Lovely Runner: the most beautiful love story ever told. ImSol and Sunjae forever! In every timeline! My only wish is that the drama would never end. Grade A (Viki)

5. My Demon: This show had me utterly enthralled, it was so mysterious and suspenseful and yet incredibly goofy and romantic. My new favorite main couple in all KDrama land. Yes it wasn’t perfect but I enjoyed it so much, it really encapsulated everything I love in a tv show. Grade: A (Netflix)

6. Love To Hate You: New fastest binge of my life. 10 episodes and I didn’t fast forward at all. There were no bad/slow parts. Also the funniest KDrama I’ve ever seen. Just watch it. You won’t regret it. Grade A+ (Netflix).

7. Business Proposal: It’s got every trope you can think of and it does them all to perfection. Plus it’s hilarious. Grade: A (Netflix)

8. Healer: This super romantic action mystery drama will keep you on the edge of your seat. Ji Chang Wook is equal parts sexy and adorable which is a seriously winning combination. Grade A (Viki). One caveat: I was very disappointed by a certain wardrobe decision in episode 3.

9.Her Private Life: Super funny and charming. The romantic leads have incredible chemistry. The premise is so good! Might be the one of the most rewatchable kdramas. Grade: A (Netflix)

10. Castaway Diva: Just utterly heartwarming. An instant classic. Ultimate underdog, redemption, story that teaches us what real love and family is. Also Ki-Ho is the new standard by which all men will be judged. Grade: A (Netflix)

11. Rookie Historian Goo Hae Ryung: Great strong female lead. Very good messages. Couldn’t stop watching. The most adorable prince I’ve ever seen 💜Cha Eunwoo💜 Grade: A (Netflix)

12. Bad Prosecutor: Absolutely thrilling and hilarious. It’s like a heist, detective, lawyer, action comedy that will keep you wondering who is outsmarting who? Super shocking plot twists. Amazing OST. Stuck the landing with a truly satisfying finale. Grade A (Viki)

13. Sh**ting Stars: Probable the biggest turnaround of any show I’ve seen (The “Africa” part was so problematic). However it turned out to be one of the funniest and swooniest KDramas out there. There are 5 couples and you will cheer for all of them. Grade: A- (Viki)

14. Strong Woman Do Bong Soon: The main couple is absolutely everything! Just fast forward through pretty much every side plot (they are not important) and you’ll love it. Grade: A- (Viki)

15. So I Married the Anti-Fan: It’s campy, fluffy, goodness, with a fierce female lead and a K-pop star enemy/love interest. 2nd fastest binge of my life. Grade: A- (Viki)

16. 100 Days My Prince: An absolute classic period drama romcom. Who knew D.O. could kiss like that? Such a great strong female lead. I LOVE a show with adorable, quirky, townspeople. Grade: A- (Netflix)

17. Romance is a Bonus Book: Might be the most romantic K-Drama I’ve ever seen. Nothing about the trailer or setup intrigued me but I’m so glad I watched it anyway. It was a truly beautiful love story. Grade: A- (Netflix)

18. Because This Is My First Life: This drama really does everything right for me… A slow burn romance built on mutual love and respect. Supporting characters who I genuinely cared about and had incredible side stories of their own. A critique of the patriarchy. Women supporting women. An adorable cat. Maybe a bit melodramatic at times but not too much. Grade A- (Netflix)

19. Start-Up: Exceptional acting, compelling storylines, intriguing plot twists, great cinematography, intense love triangle. It’s just all around high quality. Grade: A- (Netflix)

20. Run On: Cute, fun, silly and pretty light. I especially loved the supporting cast. Strange storyline but it was a fun easy ride. Grade: A- (Netflix)

21. Forbidden Marriage: This is a weird show, but weird in the best way. It’s like a comedy, horror, romance, fictional-historical. I don’t know how to describe it but it’s really fun. B+(Viki)

22. Soundtrack #1: Short and beautiful. I just loved it. No one does heart eyes better than Park Hyung-Sik. Grade: B+(Disney+)

23. Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok-Joo: A bad-ass yet vulnerable female lead. The main couple just had a lot of fun together. Refreshing. Grade: B+ (Viki)

24. Doctor Slump: This show was a really nice journey of both mental health and romance. Grade: B+ (Netflix)

25. Welcome to Samdalri: Very heartwarming and beautiful story about love, family, friendship, and going home. It has quirky townspeople and Ji Chang Wook 😍 what’s not to love? Grade: B+ (Netflix)

26. My Lovely Liar: Creative and engaging premise, intriguing mystery, and a swoon worthy romance. A very fun viewing experience. Grade: B+ (Viki)

27. King the Land: This drama pretty much has no stakes or conflict and the main couple has THE MOST chemistry I have ever seen in my entire life. So if you just want to turn your brain off and be happy, this is the drama for you. I absolutely loved it. Grade: B+ (Netflix)

28.Law Cafe: This drama has so much to love, a strong/fierce/brilliant and morally righteous female lead, lovable side characters, steamy romance. But what I loved most was how the show spotlighted important issues like consent and abuse in nuanced and progressive ways. Yes it’s a fun rom-com but it felt like the beginning of a new chapter of more egalitarian storytelling which made me really excited for the future of k-dramas. Grade: B+ (Viki)

29. Not Others: A lovely Gilmore Girls type show about the relationship between an immature mother and her very mature adult daughter. It was a pleasure seeing them grow in their relationships with each other, others, and themselves. I want more! Grade B+ (Viki)

30. Cheer Up: Sports, comedy, romance, mystery, suspense, coming of age, this show had everything. The female lead was the lovable, feisty, driven, and brave. The male lead was adorkable, considerate, and sweet. It’s all very enjoyable and wholesome. Grade: B+ (Viki)

31. I Am Not A Robot: Zany premise but it was surprisingly pretty grounded for how crazy the set up was. It’s funny, emotional, good story telling. Great character development. Grade: B+ (Viki)

32. The Atypical Family: A really good healing family drama. I was a bit bored at times but it was overall very good. I liked all the mysteries a lot. Grade: B+ (Netflix)

33. See You in My 19th Life: The shared experience of watching this mystical mystery drama week to week made it a really enjoyable watch. Not sure if it was totally satisfying, or that any of the couples’ chemistry felt authentic, but it was a very interesting and creative storyline. Grade B (Netflix)

34. Summer Strike: This show made me cry a lot. It’s heartbreaking yet healing. I’m still not sure if I liked watching it or not but it was a beautiful story of found family. Grade B (Netflix).

35. Shopping King Louie: Adorable! So many light fluffy feels for this show but it does drag a bit in the second half. Grade B (Viki)

36. Fight For My Way: Such lovable leads. Love the fierce female lead and adorable himbo male lead. It’s like a coming of age story but for 30 year olds. Storyline was ok. Second couple was skippable. Grade: B (Viki)

37. What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim: More PSJ is always a good thing. This drama did all the tropes in ways that didn’t always feel fresh, but it was very romantic and hilarious. A true classic. Grade: B (Viki)

38. Touch Your Heart: If you can just stick it out through the first few very shaky episodes, you will enjoy this adorable, fluffy, series. Grade: B- (Netflix)

39. Doom at Your Service: It was sometimes real sad yet ultimately a heart warming mystical story. Grade: B- (Viki)

40. True Beauty: Fun, cute, teen drama however, it’s a little too “antsy teen” for me. Cha Eunwoo though💜 Grade: C+ (Viki)

41. Destined With You: The chemistry between the main couple was absolutely sizzling. Rowoon was both hilarious and next level adorable. However, the plot and the characterization of women occasionally made me very frustrated. Grade: C+ (Netflix).

42. Suspicious Partner: Great story, great characters, attractive actors, beautiful romance, interesting plot, sometimes funny, sometimes suspenseful, but with 40 episodes, the plot was dragged. Grade C+ (Viki)

43. Crash Landing On You: The first half is GREAT but the second half is way too melodramatic for my taste. It’s a very interesting storyline, the main couple has insane chemistry, and there are very lovable side characters. Grade: C+ (Netflix)

44. Secret Romantic Guesthouse: First few episodes were a fun scooby gang mystery, middle episodes were super boring, last 3 episodes were crazy fast paced and thrilling. It ended well- I’ll give it that. Grade: C (Viki)

45. Dear.M: It was inoffensive and decently entertaining. If you like school dramas, you’ll probably enjoy it. Grade: C (Viki).

46. A Good Day To Be A Dog: The storyline is bonkers but very intriguing. It started off so well but the storyline lost its way in the back half. But hey, Cha Eunwoo + dogs, it’s worth the watch. Grade: C (Viki).

47. Angel’s Last Mission: Love: This drama was very similar to Doom At Your Service but it was more a bit more redundant with all of the tragedy and crying. I LOVED the chemistry of the main couple but I found myself fast forwarding a lot. Grade: C- (Viki)

48. Marry My Husband: Episodes 1-11 were phenomenal. Such an interesting premise with shocking twists and turns. After episode 11 it seemed like there were new writers who had never seen the show. Very disappointing but top tier villains. Grade: C-

49. Our Beloved Summer: I LOVED V’s “Christmas Tree” OST however I struggled to keep watching. Boring storyline but great acting. Grade: D+ (Netflix)

50. Heavenly Idol: An absolute hot mess. It was completely convoluted and just low quality but I also weirdly liked it. I can’t bring myself to rank it higher because I know how bad it was but I actually enjoyed it better than many shows I ranked ahead of it. Grade: D+ (Viki)

51. My Secret Romance: The story of a total screw up female lead falling for a manipulative, gaslighting, hottie. It was problematic yet fun? So 🤷‍♀️ Grade: D+ (Netflix)

52. My Man Is Cupid: Pros: many cute dogs, sometimes those dogs wear human clothes, cute ending. Cons: Makes no sense, not much chemistry, murder plot takes up too much time. Grade D+ (Prime).

53. She Would Never Know: As handsome as Rowoon is, I found his character problematic at the beginning (no means no buddy) but he did get a lot better as the show went on. I just ended up skipping to watch just the scenes with the main couple, which made the show way more enjoyable. Grade D (Netflix)

54. My Love From the Star: I found myself fast forwarding a lot through all the parts that didn’t involve the main couple and most of the flashbacks. Grade D (Viki)

55. Goblin: The age gap is too disturbing for me, like call the police disturbing. However, the Grim Reaper who is one of the most adorable characters I’ve ever seen. Grade: D- (Viki)

56. Extra-Ordinary You: I have never felt so betrayed by a second half of a series as I did in this one. All of the character development that it seemed to be leading to was replaced by a pretty sickening codependent relationship. Grade: D- (Viki).

Currently Watching: My Sweet Mobster

Dramas I’m Thinking About Watching: Gaus Electronics, Bad and Crazy, Hospital Playlist, Another Miss Oh, Oh My Venus, My Roommate is Gumiho, She Was Pretty, Crash Course in Romance, Soundtrack #2

Dramas I just couldn’t Finish (I’m sorry I tried): Today’s Webtoon, Once Upon a Small Town, Love in Contract, Hotel Del Luna, Kings Affection, Record of Youth, Behind Your Touch, Sparkling Watermelon, Tale of Nine Tailed 1938, Strong Girl Nam Soon, The Story of Park’s Marriage Contract, Wedding Impossible

What are your thoughts on these shows? Do you agree or disagree with my rankings? Any k-romcom recommendations that are not on the list yet?

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blackbat05 · 3 years ago

Text

One step further (V-day)

Frank Castle x Reader

A/N: Me attempting to do another fic amongst the 12345 assignments I have lmao😂 And also in time for V-day even though I don’t celebrate?😂 Thanks for being patient regarding my drought and hope you enjoy!

Genre: PG-13

Warning/Notes: Language. Fluff. Frank being a cute and sweet dork. That’s about it. My brain being fried so pls excuse me for the mess.

***

Frank quietly slips into your shared apartment. He checks the digital clock on the bookshelf. 3am.

It was used to this. Tip toeing around the house in darkness so that he wouldn’t wake you up.

Removing his boots, he stealthily moves towards the kitchen. He doesn’t expect to see you in dreamland with your laptop softly humming and notes sprawled across the counter top.

Frank tries to explain this bizarre scene and he remembers. You were mid way through your masters while juggling your job as a social worker at a youth centre.

Not that he was the kind to pry. He respected your boundaries just like how you respected his. But his admiration for you as someone who always put others before themselves always made him wonder about the kind of work you did. To him, you were the true hero.

Carefully squeezing his way inside, he takes the laptop that was still on sleep mode, making himself comfortable in the empty chair next to you.

As you snored softly, Frank immerses himself in a proposal that you were working on to provide more support for youth at risk living around Hell’s Kitchen. Needless to say, he was impressed by your eloquent and detailed paper. You certainly could give the politicians a run for their money, he thinks.

‘How is it?’ Frank sees you blinking the sleep out from your eyes, giving him a tired smile.

‘It’s fantastic. Your brains are as sexy as you.’

You had no idea how your roommate still had the capacity to be cheesy during this ungodly hour but you took the compliment. If only he knew the effect he had in you.

‘Thanks hotshot, but I don’t think I look sexy right now.’ You laughed, pointing to the drool that accumulated on your arm.

Frank waves your previous comment away, returning you back your laptop. ‘I’m serious, you should consider giving horns a run for his money.’ He helps you pack the rest of your notes.

‘Matt? No thanks. I would rather leave the vigilante business to you guys. Speaking of which, how was today?’

‘The usual.’ He grunts. Frank does not want to accidentally let it slip that he and Matt had a pretty interesting conversation regarding a certain Valentine’s Day while beating a bunch of bad guys…

‘Where did the big bad Punisher go?’ Matt exclaims. ‘I thought you’ll be better at me at this kind of stuff!’ He does a spin kick to the assailant’s head before quickly disarming another. ‘Oh! How about that expensive restaurant? They serve pretty top notch food. She’ll say yes for sure.’

‘Why do I feel like you’re fucking with me?’ Frank sneers. ‘She’s not materialistic asshole. I want it to be special-you know what I shouldn’t have asked you.’ Frank whips out a gun, shooting another in the calf.

‘Frank?’ You bring him back to present day. ‘What’s got your head in a twist?’

‘Huh? Oh, nothing. Just a little tired. Why not we both get to bed? It’s late anyways.’ He directs you to your bedroom, hoping that you wouldn’t pry further.

***

‘Just a sec princess.’ Frank carefully guides you to the destination before coming to a stop.

‘Can I open my eyes now?’

Adjusting your eyes to the light entering your eyes, you’re delighted to see the wonderful view that the park has to offer. As joggers, couples and families enjoy their time, the pink pastel clouds overlook them, providing a warm glow.

You see that Frank has led you to a large old tree, setting up a picnic mat with a spread of delicacies that you had yet to identify.

‘Frank? What is this?’ You smiled, making a beeline for the lunchboxes.

‘Uh- well… you’re working hard so I thought a picnic would be nice.’ Frank struggles to find his words. He swears his heart swells, seeing the pure bliss on your face as you opened up the simple lunchboxes that he had attempted to make. That was what he loved about you.

‘Hotdogs, rice with omelette and a fruit bowl.’ You scanned through the mouth watering assortment. ‘You have outdone yourself sir. Whatcha standing there for? Dig in!’

As the two of you inhaled the food, you enjoyed the cool breeze that came along. After ploughing through paper after paper, you were glad that you could finally get some fresh air.

‘So… what’s the special occasion today Frank?’ You swallowed the last piece of fruit, staring at him.

There was no going back now. He had to do this. What’s the worse that could happen?

He turns himself, facing directly towards you. You stop chewing, realizing how awfully close he was to you.

‘Shit. Ah… god damn it. I don’t know how to put this so I’m gonna say it straight. If we could be more than roommates, I would really like that. Ah what am I saying? DAMN IT.’

You couldn’t help but to stifle a giggle. It was adorable really. Being roommates with Frank for more than two years, you knew he wasn’t the type to be very expressive. You loved this courageous man.

‘I would love to.’ Your sentence stops Frank from rambling on.

‘I mean I would love to be your girlfriend.’ You gave him a small smile. ‘God, this is awkward huh?’

It took him a few good seconds to register what you had just told him before he sweeps you into a big bear hug, moving you to sit on his lap.

‘You’re for real right? Wait, I need to pinch myself. I need to know this isn’t a dream-’

And he feels your lips on his.

‘Does this help?’

Gosh you were about to be the death of him. Frank stops you from moving away, hands on your cheek.

He returns the kiss softly, nuzzling his nose against yours.

‘I love you.’

‘Love you ya big dork.’

***

A/N: Well, a quick one to celebrate V-day even though I have never done so🤣 Really not sure how this turned out cuz I wrote this on limited brain cells. But I do hope you enjoy it still! Thanks for the support as always!

#frank castle x reader #frank castle x reader fluff #frank castle #the punisher x reader #the punisher #frank castle fluff

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twicearoundthesun · 2 years ago

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WAIT 10,13,14 HURTS SO MUCH TOO😭😭😭

ok so here's 10. i tried to work in 13 but it got too long.... I have a bunch of requests for roommates au 13, tho, so don't worry I'll do that, and i did 14 here

prompt list, if you're curious

10. "it's okay to cry, you know" [Roommates au, tw past abuse implied]

...

Dahyun was already in bed when Chaeyoung got home. It was only eleven; her boss had let her off early tonight as the bar was kind of dead anyway. She tossed her bag by the door, popped her completely dead phone on the charger (she desperately needed a new one), and opened the fridge, digging for a diet Pepsi, but stopping as she found a takeout container with a bright blue post-it note. She plucked it out.

‘please enjoy these. Jihyo’s mother’s special recipe. - Mina’

She smiled and opened the container to find it half full of dumplings.

“Nice.” She popped one in her mouth cold as the others heated up, humming in delight. They were delicious and filled to the brim with pork and vegetables.

She carried the container of now-warm dumplings to the counter and leaned on it as she ate. She sorted through the mail pile – mainly a bunch of ads, or bills meant for previous tenants. Nothing of importance. Her eyes wandered the counter as she took a swig of pepsi.

Dahyun’s lesson plan book lay open – she’d stopped mid-compostion, it seemed, the pen laying under the next page as if she’d flipped back before giving up. She raised a brow. Dahyun wasn’t one to easily be pulled from her work. Maybe she’d gotten stuck?

Chaeyoung swung around the counter to look – it’d been the beginning of a cute little melody, an easy one that even she could sight-read. She must be working with the younger class this week.

She turned the page, to where Dahyun had left off, and found the rest of the melody blocked by an envelope. A very official looking envelope, hastily torn open and empty. She had a horrible feeling she knew where it came from.

She flipped it over to check the return address.

Kim Suseong-gu, Daegu

It felt like a rock sunk into her stomach. Her mind raced.

How had they even gotten their new address? How did Dahyuns parents know where they lived? Why were they reaching out when they hadn’t seen their daughter in nearly two and a half years – and before that, when they had, they were nothing short of awful to her.

She dropped the envelope and made a beeline for their bedroom, opening the door as softly as she could in her panic so she wouldn’t wake Dahyun.

Or rather, so she wouldn’t wake the empty bed.

Fuck.

She got back to her phone and ignored the notifications when she saw none from her roommate. She dialed Dahyun’s number in an instant, but got no answer twice.

Fuck, fuck.

She typed out a text.

‘I’m home, please call me back when you can and let me know you’re safe’

She watched it deliver and stared at the screen for a few extra seconds. Where would she have gone? She couldn’t picture Dahyun leaving the building so late at night, not with how jumpy she’d been lately, but that letter could have messed everything up; she was positive her friend wasn’t in any sort of headspace to be thinking anything through.

Out of desperation, she walked down the hallway and stopped in front of Mina and Jihyos door. She felt bad – she knew Mina woke up super early to get to the hospital most days, and their apartment was pretty quiet by ten. She knew they’d panic, too, no matter how calm Chaeyoung tried to pretend to be.

But she needed help.

She knocked. Ray barked immediately, which was odd.

Within seconds, the door opened to reveal Mina, brow creased and frown etched onto her face. She was still in her work clothes, though she must have gotten home hours ago.

“I’m so sorry to bother you-”

“She’s here.”

“What?”

“Dahyun’s with us. I tried calling you but your phone was dead. Come in. It’s okay, she’s safe.”

Chaeyoung could have cried on the spot, she was so relieved. Mina seemed to sense this and pull her into a hug, patting her on the back

“She came by right after dinner. We’d stopped by to drop off some dumplings, so she knew we were home. She… She knocked on the door and asked if she could stay here, because she didn’t feel safe alone. Chaeyoung, what’s going on?”

She didn’t know what to say for a second. A rush of emotions met her: Dahyun had gone and asked for help, which was good. Amazing, even. But the letter had obviously shaken her, and now Mina was asking questions Chaeyoung didn't have the right to answer.

“Are you two in danger?” Mina leaned back to make eye contact. “You can tell us, Chaeyoung, we’ll keep you safe.”

It was so… certain. So absolute. They’d keep them safe, if they needed it. A second of calm.

“No. I don’t… I don’t think.” Chaeyoung whispered. Then, more sure of herself, “No. We're adults."

“Chaeyoung…”

“It isn’t my place to tell you any more than you know.”

Mina nodded, accepting it with a grimace. “Okay. She’s in the spare room. She’s been there for about an hour. We can’t get much out of her, just that she doesn’t want to be alone and she – I think she must have thrown up before she left your apartment, we gave her a new shirt.”

Chaeyoung winced. Mina led her to the door opposite their bedroom.

“I thought she was drunk when she first showed up here.” She admitted.

“She doesn’t really drink.”

“Yeah. But she’s… super out of it.” Mina said the last part softly. She turned the door handle slowly, and spoke in a soft, melodic voice. “Dahyun, sweetie. It’s Mina, and Chaeyoung’s here. Can we come in?”

A bit of silence.

“She nodded.” Jihyo’s soft confirmation from within the room came and anxiety surged through Chaeyoung’s veins.

The door opened slowly to reveal her poor roommate, wrapped snugly in a big blanket, curled up on the little sofa they had in their extra room. She was still crying, albeit silently; her face was splotchy and red, her hands in fists pressing in on closed eyes. Jihyo sat a few feet away, in a desk chair, looking nearly heartbroken as she met eyes with Chaeyoung. It was hard seeing their smiley Dahyun like this, and Jihyo had never even seen the girl cry over something minor.

“She’s so scared.” Jihyo whispered. “It’s like, a massive panic attack. I can’t get her out of it.”

Chaeyoung nodded and gently went to sit on the couch next to her. Dahyun jumped when she put a hand on her back.

“Just me.” She whispered. “I’m here.”

One bloodshot eye opened to meet hers.

"Chaeng..."

“I know, Dahyun, I saw the envelope.”

Dahyun doubled over, hiding her face in Chaeyoung’s chest, allowing a terrified sob to leave her lips. Chaeyoung wrapped both arms around her.

“It’s okay. You’re an adult. They have no power over you. None whatsoever. This is just a panic attack, Dubs.”

Dahyun still shook.

“You’re financially independent, you’re stable, you never have to see them again.”

“They know…” It sounded hard to get out. “They know where we live.”

Chaeyoung closed her eyes. “I know.”

“Wh-what if-”

“They wouldn’t, Dahyun. There’s nothing in it for them to come find you. You made it clear you weren’t… one of them anymore.”

There was a poignant silence.

“I know I’m prying, but please, please tell us if you’re in danger.” Jihyo whispered. Dahyun tensed. “Whoever this is – whoever found you, we can protect you from them.”

“Do you owe people money? We can help you, just, please tell us.” Mina added. “We just don’t want you in harm’s way.”

Chaeyoung was frozen. It truly wasn’t hers to share.

“We’re not in danger.” Chaeyoung said, and she made sure she was addressing all three of the people in the room. In reality, she wasn’t sure what was going on – what could they possibly want from Dahyun? What more could they take from her that they haven’t already taken?

“You’re scaring me, Chaeyoung. One of who?” Jihyo pressed.

Dahyun took a sharp breath.

“A K-kim.” She said, shakily. “My family.”

There was silence again.

“Are they looking for you?”

“I didn’t think they were.” She whispered. “But now I don’t think they… they ever lost me. I think they know my every move-” her voice was getting choked up again, so Chaeyoung shushed her.

“Are they dangerous?”

More silence.

“No.” Dahyun whispered. “Not.. anymore. Not dangerous. Th-they can’t do anything to me.” It sounded a bit like she was trying to convince herself. Jihyo closed her eyes. Chaeyoung could tell she was getting the picture.

“Did you move here to get away from them?”

A quick nod. Chaeyoung rubbed her back.

“B-but they haven’t been a problem since, I m-moved out three years ago to live with Chaengie and her mom.” She said. “They aren’t dangerous, not when I’m not living with them.”

“Okay, sweetie.” Jihyo whispered. She shared pointed eye contact with Mina before turning back. “Did something happen? That sparked this panic attack?”

Dahyun nodded. Chaeyoung felt her dig through her sweatshirt pocket and pull out a paper – what must have been the contents of the letter. She put the crumpled paper in Chaeyoung’s hand.

‘Miss Kim Dahyun,

We regret to inform you of the passing of one Kim Yeong-ja. You have been included in the will for a total of 1,134,700.00 won. Please see enclosed check. Acceptance of this check means you confirm you will not protest the contents of the remainder of the will…’

Ice filled Chaeyoung’s veins; then something more sinister. Rage.

She stood, not wanting Dahyun to sense the change in mood, though Chaeyoung was sure she knew it was coming. She kissed Dahyun on the head and let herself into the hall, shutting the door and doubling over, hands on her knees.

Mina joined her a minute later. Chaeyoung just passed her the paper.

“Is this her grandmother?” Mina whispered. She nodded. “1,134,700.00 won? That’s... not much. And so… Specific.”

It’s so specific, it’s deliberate. She wanted to say, but the frustration, the rage, the pain was closing her throat. Her head was pounding. She thought she’d gotten her friend to safety, finally, gotten her some peace of mind and here it was falling apart around them both.

“Chaeyoung, shh…” Mina pulled her into a tight hug. “It’s okay to cry, you know. It’s hard watching someone you love go through so much. You’ve both clearly been through a lot, I don’t know exactly what you’ve both had to do, but I know you’re so strong for her.”

“Dahyun’s parents are… the worst pieces of shit to ever walk the earth. Her grandmother would have given her more than that.” She could feel tears burning behind her eyes.

Dahyun and her grandmother had had a decent relationship. To Dahyun, her grandmother’s house was a place of respite; of safety and warmth. To Chaeyoung she was another in a long list of adults who knew what Dahyun had to put up with and failed her… But she knew the woman loved Dahyun.

“You think they messed with the will?”

“I know they did.” She could barely get the words out. “1,134,700.00 is our rent, Mina. They messed with the will and they’re telling her they know everything about her, still. They know our every move. They know how much comes out of her account every month for rent.”

Mina frowned.

“Well, that’s illegal and we will deal with that when everything calms, okay?" Her voice was strong, unquestioning. "Until then, will they try anything-”

“No. They just wanted to wreck her peace. Revenge. Her mother is a vengeful little shit, blames her for their marriage falling apart – god, she was in highschool, Mina, everything turned bad and she was in highschool, none of it was her fault.”

“Shhh, I know.” Mina whispered. She rubbed her back and Chaeyoung found it calming, and a little odd to be wrapped up in such a comforting hug from someone she hadn’t known two months ago.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t home.” She whispered.

“We’re happy to help. Any time either of you needs anything, okay? You never have to be sorry. We’re here for you both.”

“Thank you.”

“Of course.”

#roommates au #twice au #twice fic #mina #jihyo #chaeyoung #dahyun #oof very sorry #gotta start angsting chaeyoung soon #because i do have some lined up #hannieehaeee #request

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