#anyways i don’t think trying to maintain healthy relationships is a new year’s resolution of mine

[gregmarriage]

me thinking a relationship is about not arguing and having a good time and if there’s bad times, it means the relationship is bad.

no, you just don’t know how to navigate a real relationship, you fucking dumbass

[ririretry]

A Brand Freaking New Year

My mom told me and my brother that we have to come up with some New Year's resolutions by the end of the week. I haven't started thinking about it, which is totally fine.

"It's only Wednesday," she says with no idea with what she wants her resolutions to be.

I'm not one that believes in New Year's resolutions. I used to, but then sometime, somewhere, someone on the internet told me that they're unsustainable. MAKES TOTAL SENSE! I agree! We write down a bunch of fluff that we think we can tackle by the end of the year, and by the 3rd week, we give up. That and my favorite argument that I always used was the whole, "why do you need one day to define your whole year" thing. Like, someone can make goals at any day of the year, why does it have to be January 1st - "if you really wanted to reach your goal, you'd start right now." And yeah, I get all of the sentiment. I understand. We're all little weak-minded individuals that need instant change and gratitude and can't handle the necessary means that it takes to set goals, fulfill them, and continue trudging through a generally sucky world.

But, here I am! About to write down some resolutions. I really think that I can do it this year. Looking back, I did do a few things on my vIsiOn BoaRd considering I looked at that thing once. It was very pretty.

ANyway. On with it

1. Reestablish healthy levels of dopamine

My only issue is my phone consumption and automatically, my social media consumption. THROUGH the roof. Embarrassingly too high. Makes me sick, frustrated, and unruly. I hate going on my phone, but I literally cannot help it. It really do be an addiction, so I'm gonna do whatever it takes to actually not be obsessed with my phone. Starting rn!! Timers to Snapchat and Youtube were set. I deleted Instagram off my phone because that's honestly an easier one to delete. Twitter and Instagram are still on my laptop, and I'm gonna keep that because I'm easily less likely to go on my laptop to scroll on the media. I also don't watch Youtube on my laptop that much?

2. Become my own best friend

Haha! I hate myself! Nothing new, but I’ve been slowly becoming my own friend again. Not yelling at myself all the time - allowing myself to make mistakes - not expecting perfection - not invalidating my own feelings - trying to build my own confidence again - being sure of my words and self even if I’m unsure, being sure of my uncertainty..... A lot. Yanno maybe take myself out on dates and make time for me. I just want to trust myself again, and be my own friend. I deserve that level of respect and love to myself especially if I provide that for my friends. 

3. Invest in my hobbies, skills, and interests

With my newly established dopamine, I will also make more times for things that matter in my life such as: painting, drawing, guitar, bass, podcasting, writing on here perhaps, etc.. This goes hand in hand with my first resolution, so hopefully this comes naturally. I am a little nervous because I have neglected these things before as I’ve gone on this journey multiple times. I am going to have to figure out how I’m going to allot time to these things. These things require effort, and being on my phone did not. I’m naturally a tired person, but maybe that was my phone. I dunno! We will SEE!

4. Create meaningful relationships

I haven’t been the type to maintain friendships. I’ve gotten better. I have three solid lifetime friendships, which is more than most people can say and I’m so endlessly grateful for them. I have 4-6 solid good friends, which is also awesome, and a bunch of acquaintances that easily could be great friends had I put a little more effort. I’m not looking for more friends because I am very content with the people that I have, but I do want to make every interaction I have with someone meaningful and positive. This requires a little more effort in reaching out, keeping and making plans, and establishing a solid friendship even if it doesn’t last forever. I say this mostly because I’ve closed myself off to people - mostly unintentional, and I want to understand others more. 

5. Mind, body, soul

Journal/Read, exercise/eat healthy, pray

Seems self explanatory, I’m pretty decent at like 1.5 of them. Praying is gonna be tough, but I do want to appreciate it more. But that want must turn into action, so I will pray. Maybe just listen at first, which I have done, but seriously like. It’s another outlet. I love my religion and what it stands for, so I should make time. 

6. Understand my career better

 Side quest, but a very important side quest. I wanna know what I might get into. How to do it. What can I do to understand it, so I wanna take a lot of time to really dig in and invest in my future. 

FINGERS CROSSED FOR NEW HORIZONS

[supernaturalsaxophonist]

A long overdue post, and everything else

Happy new year!

(I told you this was overdue)

I wanted to write about a new year’s resolution. However, New-years resolutions are dumb because they’re always too specific and everyone breaks them almost immediately. So, that broadened into what I hope to accomplish this year which broadened further into how I hope to grow as a person, and also look back on how i’ve grown as a person in 2017. Needless to say, I had to think about this for a while. It’s been a week, and I think i’ve begun to find the words.

A year ago, I had just started counseling at school and had probably had 3 sessions with my therapist who I would be working with for the next 9 months, who would help me to problem solve, persevere, and give me the skills to work through any obstacle that came my way. I learned that the point of therapy was not to have them tell you what to do or how to feel better, rather to give you the tools to help you figure that out yourself. While I still struggle, I’m miles ahead of where i was at the end of 2016.

I felt as if my school attendance and work ethic got slightly better this year (another issue worked on in counseling) and when I realized I was giving my best efforts and still consistently falling behind, I talked to my psychiatrist about my struggles at the end of this fall semester and started on a new medication for my attention issues. I think it’s been helping a lot, in fact, I think even my paragraphs in this post are more on-topic than they have been in the past. I feel a sense of clarity that everything involved with being alive on a day to day basis has become slightly easier. That being said, I 1. still sometimes get really depressed for no reason at all and 2. haven’t had to take any classes yet since the medication change.

I’ve also maintained a relationship for almost an entire year (you’ve all read my posts gushing about my love from time to time) and time helps everything- we’ve learned so much how to better communicate with each other, and recently, i’ve gotten much better at saying when things make me happy, when they don’t, and why. I’ve gotten better at not blaming myself for everything negative that ever happens to me and better at not pushing him away whenever i’m upset. I’m still not perfect at expressing my feelings sometimes but that’s one thing i plan on continuing to work on. I’m beginning to learn to keep my faith that we can last and be happy together, as I learn to understand myself and we learn to understand each other.

Over the last two weeks of winter break i got into a stronger habit of exercising and i probably worked out 10 of the last 14 days. I want to continue to build on that and really, truly get into better shape this spring. I try to keep in mind how good exercising makes my body feel, the way it makes me feel happier and relieves stress, the way day to day activities become easier, just the fact that there’s so much more than just weight loss. I want to cook and eat whole foods more, as well. I want to make sure I adapt a permanent healthy lifestyle rather than just try some diet. I really want to be happy with my body and the way i’m living, and ill be sure to give updates on how that’s going.

As for down the road- I’ll be graduating college this year!! Leaving school will bring about a whole new chapter of life and I honestly have no idea where it will take me right now. So in 2018 i have to figure out what i’m going to do with myself to make money and gain some independence (i’ll be back at home with my mom- pleaseeee let that be temporary) and i’ll have more bills to worry about, too. So i’ll be dealing with true #adulting and I don’t know what to expect.

I want to spend as much time with school friends as possible before I graduate because I know seeing them won’t come as easy when I’m gone. I think it’s important to work on those relationships especially considering I don’t have a lot of people back at home.

Anyway I think that’s long enough happy 2018 everyone and good luck with whatever it is you want to do and be ❤️

[anethara]

End of Year Inventory

First things first, did you have a good year?

I had a wild fucking ride this year. A lot of change hit me all at once and while I vaguely remember the bad, the good and the great stands out vividly in my mind. 

How old did you turn this year?

Twenty-eight.

Do you feel your age?

I don’t even know what that means. I have a lot more of the material trappings of “adulthood.” But I’m also borrowing time on adolescence with HRT and going to college. I definitely feel like an adult, though, so sure. 

Did your appearance change in anyway?

I went blond (again); I went silver for like, a month; I went back to blond. I achieved my desired fashion aesthetic (mostly black; occasional jarring patterns; occult symbolism). I upgraded to a double nose ring. 

Post your favorite selfie.

If you traveled, where did you go?

2019 was the year of travel for me. I went to California twice: once by air, once by road trip. Both trips were great but the road trip was great; I loved bonding with my best friends and my wife and getting to see one of the last remaining states I’d missed out on. I also traveled to New Jersey and New York to see my dad and his family. It took three tragic losses all right in a row to get me out there, which I deeply regret, but I had a great time and I was so happy that my dad got to meet my wife (finally!). In October, I went back to Maine to attend my oldest friend’s wedding and had a damn good time; I also got to see my mom for the first time in five years. 

Which fashion trends did you love?

I haven’t been paying attention. 

Which fashion trends did you hate?

Red baseball caps. You know the ones.

What was your favorite article of clothing this year? Post a pic if possible?

I got a black tank top featuring The Lovers as two skeletons embracing that I really dig. 

What song sums up this year for you?

I won’t lie, it felt like a 7 Rings kind of year. Congratulations also hits a little different in 2019.

What album has been on heavy rotation this year?

The albums I’ve listened to the most this year are, according to my chosen music software: Amo by Bring Me the Horizon, Beautiful Death by Slaves, Peach Club by Emarosa, Help Us Stranger by The Raconteurs, Let’s Rock by The Black Keys, The Black Panther Soundtrack, Pain Killer by Little Big Town, Lunatic by Kongos, Wild Horse by Rae Lynn, and Ghosts by Smoke Fairies.  

What was your favorite movie of the year?

I didn’t see anything that came out this year (I don’t think…) but my favorite movie I was introduced to this year was A Quiet Place.

Did an actor/actress catch your attention for the first time this year?

No one comes to mind.

Favorite new TV show?

My favorite TV show is the same as last year: The Haunting of Hill House. I am, however, extremely excited for the anthology to continue next year.

Which new ship/fandom has taken over a lot of your time, attention, and tears?

My favorite ship remains steadfastly my Skyrim Dragonborn, Ari, with Rory’s Dragonborn, Nikolaj. 

What food did you try for the first time?

I tried so many new foods this year, I can’t remember them all. My favorite was Korean Barbeque.

Did you make any big permanent changes this year?

I moved into a house. I also began the first stages of some hardcore oral surgery (stages 2-4 coming in 2020). 

What was one nice thing you did for someone else?

I tried to provide for others, this year. I donated as much food and clothing and toiletries to the homeless as possible. I tried to give money when I could. I tried to take friends out for meals. I tried to offer to pay for things people needed and I tried to buy little luxuries people couldn’t otherwise enjoy. I hope it helped. 

What was one nice thing you did for yourself?

I quit my job and visited my family and focused on school and my health.

Did you develop a new obsession?

Hill House was watched probably ten times in this house, and we only moved in back in April. 

Did you vote?

I did! (Thanks Steff…)

Did you move?

I did, hopefully for the last time.

Did you get a job?

I quit one, actually.

Did you get a pet?

Kind of! I gained a dog when Rory moved in.

Do you regret not doing anything?

No, because there’s nothing I didn’t do this year. 

Do you regret doing something?

I regret procrastinating on my surgery, but the timing was just all fucked.

Have you done anything that scared you?

Quitting my job; going to college; going through with a three-part surgery.

Did anyone/thing make you so mad it stayed with you for days?

I got into a nasty traffic altercation that culminated in my having to get out of my car in stand-still traffic on the highway and threaten violence before it was resolved. That had be pissed for a good three or four days.

Did you lose anyone close to you?

I think I lost a friend. The last time I heard from her was a text that read ‘I don’t remember what you’re responding to. I don’t even try texting with you anymore.’ It was my fault, but I realized that if it’s gotten this bad, the friendship was likely decaying anyway and it’s probably better for both of us to move on. 

Did you fall in love?

I keep falling deeper and deeper in love with Steff as the years pass. 

Did you fall out of love?

Yeah, with menial, dead-end retail labor.

Did you start a new relationship?

Kind of.

Did you go through a break up?

See aforementioned friendship I neglected.

Did you have to cut ties to someone?

I didn’t have to, but I did it anyway.

Who was important to you this year but wasn’t important last year?

I don’t think there’s anyone currently in my life who hasn’t been important to me for at least three years.

Who wasn’t as important to you this year as they were last year?

The friend I had to let go.

If you could have a do over on one thing you did, would you take it?

Yeah, I would have booked my trip to Maine a lot earlier, and for four days instead of one.

What was the best moment of the year for you?

So many great moments happened this year. Closing on the house; road-tripping with Rory; seeing my family again; being back in Lavalette and New York City; being back in Maine; getting to watch my best friend get married; getting my grades back for fall quarter… It’s been a good year.

What was the worst?

The worst thing to happen to me all year was when my car battery died and the air pressure went out of my tires unexpectedly in the school parking lot and if that’s the hardest thing I had to deal with all year? What a breath of fresh air.

Did anything happen that you were sure would change you as a person but it really didn’t?

Nothing comes to mind.

Did anything happen to you that you were sure wouldn’t change you as a person but it did?

Transition marches on, and that’s had a continual effect on my personality and behavior. 

What are you most proud of accomplishing?

Maintaining a 4.0 GPA despite struggling with two major papers, an intensive career project, an impromptu oral presentation, and literally every fucking social experiment demanded of me by my chaotic psych professor.

What have you learned about yourself this year that you didn’t know in the years prior?

I really don’t trust, and I really struggle to believe people can be reliable or stable. I’m working on it.

Did your opinion of anyone change for the better?

No one I know personally.

Did your opinion of anyone change for worse?

See above.

If you make resolutions, did you complete them this year?

I knew 2019 was going to be bonkers, so I didn’t make any promises.

If you make resolutions, what will your resolutions be for the coming year?

I want to reinstate healthy habits. 

If you could go on an adventure during the remaining days of the year, where would you go and what would you do?  Who would you go this?

I’m all adventured out, to be honest. I’d rather just hang out at home with my wife and my family.

What do you wish for others for the coming year?

Good omens; cash flow; good luck with cars; steady work and good health.

What do you wish for yourself?

A steady mental incline, physical improvement, and a 3.7 GPA.

[whence-the-woody]

2018 Year in Review 

Firstly, I have decided to put this post separate from my old NYE posts which is a change in tradition but feels right to me this year, I can’t even articulate why. Secondly, I have spent so much of the last few weeks of 2018 thinking about that year and everything that happened that now I am sick of thinking about it and just want to move onto 2019. However, I need to acknowledge the resolutions I set out so I will do that. I also want to acknowledge that following 2017 which felt somewhat insignificant, my overarching thought going into 2018 was to grow and learn, all the while having a more significant year. And that I certainly did achieve. 

The first six months spent in placement, living and learning in a whole new way, developing my professional capability every day. I also want to send gratitude into the universe for the team I was supported by for those six months who made me feel so safe and secure and included; it was the first time in my life I have had to leave a job I loved and I cried like a baby. I will always be grateful for my time with them. That job also of course led to me getting my current employment so that by no means can be considered insignificant. 

Otherwise, I graduated this year (FUCKING FINALLY) with a first class degree. It was a five year journey that I finally finished and damn did I work hard and see it pay off. I then had my final summer holidays, already secure in employment,and travelled to a bunch of new countries on my family cruise. 

I then started employment and oh boy has it been fucking hard. The team could not be more different. I dont want to bitch and complain too much because lets be honest I’m in a full time, well paying job fresh out of university - that is fucking amazing. But suffice to say I do not feel supported by this team, I have experience a lot of social anxiety there, I don’t know if I’m doing a good job and I don’t consider any of my colleagues anything more than that - which is really fucking sad tbh. But it has improved over time, I completed the induction which I enjoyed and met a bunch of good people and it’s only for a year. 

This was what in part led me to end the year feeling completely devoid of any discipline - but we’ll get into that. ANYWAYS, let us review. 

Grow my running practice, keep it regular, go further, faster, longer, more often

I was doing SO well with this one. I was at over 61/2 miles every week at a 9:30ish minute pace. Then in early November I was struggling through a freezing cold run and absolutely FUCKED my knee. I have taken weeks off and tried, I had perserved, I have gone out for just one or two miles, I have bought a brace and now new shoes - it still aint right. The most I can do atm is 5k which is really disappointing but at the same time I know I need to prioritise my long-term health and I’m glad I’m now able to do that without guilt. This is a project I will take into the new year. 

Foster my oh so loving relationship with yoga. Accept my limitations, celebrate my progress, try to be present and never view it as a chore

Also yes learn more and read around the practice of yoga

Unfortunately my placement schedule meant I was reduced to 20 min practices which was a bummer. But over summer I did both Revolution and Yoga camp to make up for it. I have since rearranged my routine in the morning so I can have time for 30 min practices so I can maintain. Presence is something I’m still working on, as always. Also I bought Tree of Yoga and it was so boring I just could not finish it.   

In general, read more actual books. Continue to learn, take on new ideas, new stories and other perspectives

I stalled after a couple of real stinkers truth be told. Finished the new ones I had in the summer but definitely need to re-stock 

Keep ahold of that sleep pattern like your life depends on it. Because it does

Ish. Again, need to be more disciplined about this but I never went past an hour over which is not horrendous. 

Again, grow and build on your weight lifting practice. You have found a trio of things that you love, build those relationships and habits

This too waned later in the year. I never really got my groove back after holiday and starting work. Discovered a new enjoyment of using dumbbells at home though. 

throughout and above all, take care of your body and mind

continue to tweet and take notice of the little things that make you happy

Epic fail this one ngl. Think I tweet 3 times in the year. I shall persevere to try again. 

be grateful every day, there is always something

Whilst on placement, be genuine, honest, try your best, maintain boundaries but grow relationships and gather as much knowledge as you possibly can

I feel I really did. This mantra kept me going when I felt awkward or anxious. That with the support and welcome from my awesome team. 

Explore meditation

This has yet to become a priority. And given how far I have strayed from my discipline and daily practices, this will have to be integrated later in the year I think. 

Graduate. Pretty fucking big that one, can’t think what else to say about it. Put this five year process to an end, being grateful for what it has given you

Done and done. 

hopefully end the year in a job, even more hopefully one you enjoy

I am halfway there 

be grateful for your living situation before and after the end of uni. You know it could be worse

I honestly adjusted better than I thought I would in some ways. Less so in others I’ll be honest. 

in that same vein, dont let your family relationships to effected too harshly by these changes

Ironically, it wasn’t the living situation but 2 weeks on holidays that made me see my sister totally differently. I do want to work on how I treat my Mum tho. 

Really do bring back those morning walks, especially when back home

Like when tho, WHEN??

Be a far more confident driver this time next year

I am confident likely to the point of recklessness. Still dont know if I’m a good driver but confident for sure. Another thing to thank my placement experiences for. Though truth be told my P plate only came off a few days ago. 

reflect more, document more, 2017 was necessary and restorative but make this year more significant

As far as is possible, hold on to those relationships that matter. Let go of the ones that don’t. Be open to new ones

Yes and yes. 

Work. Rest. Care. Let go. Learn. Be your own best friend. Love yourself. Love others. Show them. Take good care. Balance. Above all and always, balance.

I absolutely lost my balance by the end of the year and was just not treating myself very well or keeping up with any of the things that kept me healthy. But I understand that this was a culmination of holiday and then going into full time work and I just never got back to a good place - which resulted in a woefully indulgent Christmas. 

Instincts are also telling me to put my resolutions into a new post so that is also what I am going to do. This is the least deep and spiritual NY post I’ve ever done but I’ve procrastinated to the point that it’s the 8th so at least it’s done. (and that’s because I’ve been feeling so good and doing so well this week that I didn’t want to go back and think about how crappy I felt ending 2018). Onwards! 

[oliviajthoughts]

12.31.17

As the year of 2017 comes to an end, I have came to a conclusion about Rachael Richmond.

The old saying that goes something along the lines of “friends come and go, but family is for forever” is just for actual functioning families. My mother will never change who she is, and I just have to accept it. I know I’ve said this time and time again, but every time I did say it, I had a little bit of hope left in me, thinking that one day, we will be close, there will never be any hatred or resentment or uncomfortableness between the two of us and we will have a healthy mother and daughter relationship. After all, she is my own flesh and blood. But now that I’m 22 years old, and nothing has changed since I was a child, I realize that this is who she is. I shouldn’t have had to grow up begging for a relationship with my own mother, I shouldn’t have been left up at night crying, wondering why she doesn’t love me, why she hates me so much, what am I doing wrong... etc. I shouldn’t have had to be embarrassed to bring friends around because of how my mom always made everyone in the room feel uncomfortable and in such a hostile environment. I shouldn’t have always thought, why am I not important? Why am I not significant? Why am I unable to talk to my own mother about every day problems that most girls grow up with, that most girls are able to sit down and talk with their mother about, and they get to leave the conversation feeling emotionally secure and stable. I should have had that. And I grew up thinking because I didn’t, that it was my fault. Mostly because my mother projected those thoughts into my own head so much that I began to believe them. Once I started high school, I took my anger and resentment that I had for my mother out on those who were around me. I was snotty, bratty and mean to anyone who rubbed me the wrong way because I had so much anger built up inside of me that I could explode at any slight inconvenience. Because heaven forbid I get to speak my mind in my own “home” (which never really felt like a home). Once I got old enough to be in relationships, I unintentionally projected those feelings onto my partners. I was deprived from love and affection at a young age by my mother, so I always felt the need to have affirmation and an overwhelming amount of love from whomever I was dating in order to really feel like I was cared about. Just because that’s what my mind was trained to do. I needed that love from someone, because my mom lacked in that area so crucially that I needed to soak up every bit of it. I even loathed in it from strangers. I needed this love so badly, that I was willing to stay in toxic relationships where I was being mentally abused and cheated on, so long as they kept telling me what I needed to hear. “I love you” and “I’m sorry” was all I needed in order to stay. And quite honestly, even if I didn’t hear it, I would’ve stayed anyways, because my unhealthy emotional attachment would never let me walk away from someone I already latched myself onto. Having this mindset, I believe I lost myself, and never really got to find who I am deep down inside. I used to be light hearted, always smiling, positive, cheery, outgoing, and confident. But as the years went by, that was taken from me. I was never taught how to love myself, I was never taught how to love others. I only learned what I saw, and that was just self hate, projection onto others, loathing in depression, angry thoughts, emotional build up, and self esteem issues. And what made it even worse, is the fact that my mom never let anyone see who she really was outside of our relationship. Behind the walls of the prison she called our home, was where she broke me down, every single day, for years and years. But outside to the public, she was always smiling, cracking jokes, and loving. She made me feel like I was imagining it all. How could someone that everyone loved to be around, be so cruel to me? Anytime I brought up something she did, people would assume that I was over exaggerating, or that I was making it up. Or maybe I did something to push her to act that way. It made me feel crazy. That I was in this world alone. I had no one to talk to about it, no way of getting this emotional toll out, I just lived with it everyday while it slowly ate me alive inside. I became depressed. My outgoing, confident personality became shy and quiet. Some people would say I’m still outgoing but it’s nothing compared to how I used to be. My mind is conditioned to just keep everything to myself, otherwise if I don’t, then I’ll say something that’s wrong. I’m always doing or saying something that’s wrong or not good enough. One of my biggest fears is growing up like my mother. I never, ever, everrrrr want my children or anyone for that matter feeling how I felt growing up. I want my children to look at me and trust me, feel secure and safe with me, and be free to be themselves. I’m conditioned to think I’m a failure with everything I do, so because of that, I stopped trying. With everything. With school, with driving, with getting my own place, I just stopped trying because I think that I’ll never do or be anything. I will never be successful. But, with this mindset, I’m only limiting myself and I’ll be stuck in this mentality for the rest of my life. For the sake of my future self, my life, my girlfriend (hopefully future wife) and my children, I have to do better and be better. I cannot carry on this tradition to the next generation. I have to have the strength to push through any obstacles that come my way despite those who are rooting for me to fail. Problems will arise, but that’s life, I just have to always remember to focus on myself and my well-being in order to maintain a happy life. I don’t care if I’m wealthy, or what my house or car looks like... As long as I am happy and healthy, that’s all that matters to me. And one day, I will get there. And this will all just be a story from the past. I may not have had a great up bringing my mother, but that won’t stop me from walking down the path that God chose for me. And that is my promise to myself, my new years resolution, going forward.