#anyways god i dont think i have the capability to feel that again. that didnt feel like my hate.

[arolesbianism]

I was looking at old photos of some of my nuggets yesterday from before I did my first day 1 reset (aka before I got a mod that lets you keep your agents during day 1 resets) and realized that I accidentally remade Eva wrong. Except! Beautiful world! It's actually a good thing because her current back hair was her dead sister's back hair so actually it was intentional from the start and I'm a genius forever <3333

[randomositycat]

I cant properly summarize how much i love todays episode... like... seeing maomao's outfit after struggling to imagine whay she looks like... aahhh its so refreshing... and all of the mysteries finally converging except ofc, the envoy (that bitch)

Like you guys dont even understand... you dont get it... im going to die

MY BABY KYOU-U AAAAHHH I MISSED HIM SO MUCH!! HEARING HIS VOICE AND SEEING HIS CUTE BABY FACE :(((

And suirei this episode... woah mama pls... relax... girl.. miss maam... 🥵🫡🫣😋🥰🥰🥰🥰

Shisui's act on the boat i think wasnt 100% faked... shes so cute i love maosui sorry jinshi you fumbled this is maomao's harem and shisui won go cry abt it i guess

anyways i know she was being fr on the boat... that face of misery... she did NOT want to be there i bet my bottom dollar on it (shenmei come outside so i can hit you with my car)

Kyou-u :((((( 🥺🥺🥺🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 MY SON MY BABY BOYYY

Maomao was extra pretty this episode i feel like i fell in love over and over again

Whoever is in charge of drawing her... please let me breathe okay... please let me breathe

Jinshi too extra pretty extra fun this episode i looveee when hes mad i love when hes madddddd GET ANGRY DONT YOU JUST WANNA GO APESHIT

And he said "ill be forced to punish her" girl you aint gon do shit 😏

Luomen too :(( grandma i adore you... i love when he talks about when maomao was young like can you just imagine little maomao playing tricks on her pa :( like bestie im jumping first okay

AND AND AND im reevaluating my opinion on the luomen maomao dynamic yes yes id had pessimists in my ear for so long they convinced me that luomen didnt gaf about maomao and ykw i just :/ dont fw that anymore

Hes a grandma okay there is deadass not much he can do without killing himself, and he knows maomao is capable and has many many many other capable people at her side who care about her just as much as he does!! I def know what it feels like to want to help but helping just isnt in your ability, like he did what he can and pointed them in the right direction

Luomen knows his limits and thats why hes the goat

Also the way maomao takes after her parents and the old people that raised her 🥰🥰 like oh my god pls i love this bitch

I think thats all...

Maomao x suirei and maomao x shisui nation... rise up bc this is OUR episode okay... did you see the way she gRABBED HER HAND???

Oh my god take me oUT TAKE ME OUT!!! theyre so cute :(

Everyone is so cute

Shisui gives the meanest mug too oh my god... the way she was just Looking at maomao

Bitch i would have apologized if she looked at me like that LMFAOOO

And the way shisui and suirei care about each other :( kill me

I knew already but its just to heartwarming to see it

The way shisui just moved to the other side ofnher bc suirei freaked out, and she didnt hesitate to save her sister like AAAAAAHHHHH stab me in the heart please!!!!

Okay chat good night i need to be sedated or else ill start experiencing withdrawals

[phanomenology]

i really wanted to make a proper dan birthday post/art today but im super tired rn, so its not happening. instead im writing something personal and philosophical because im an autistic philosophy student and its all im capable of doing.

you will get up that hill

thank you @danielhowell for growing up with me, even tho its only been 5 years (almost), its been the most important 5 years of my life (so far lol).

when i skimmed through ywgttn again recently i realised how much i have changed since i first read it 2 years prior. i used to reject any kind of help despite feeling really bad because for so long my needs were ignored, i was blamed for it or i was given solutions that were toxic and dismissive of my feelings. but i kept going. addicted to the loneliness and the pain, but i knew that this wasnt all there is. i managed to move to a different country on my own at 18, i knew that there was a light at the end of my horizon. i mean, its really not like that tho. there is a sun and it rises every morning, but it also goes down in the evening. it can seem pointless, banal, some might say absurd. pushing up that rock every morning and it rolling down when the sun sets. for me, it felt like the rock was just sitting at the bottom of the hill and i didnt have enough strength to even consider moving it. but this is not all there is. we can change, and the way we change to get better is not rapid but its a slow process of not just trying, but trying again despite failing. this is not a fight that is possible to lose. you only lose it when you dont touch the rock. if it is already at the bottom, you cant get it down further than that. your only way is up. and yes, it can roll down again, but there are checkpoints. connections we make, people we love and who get to love us. risks we take and secrets we reveal that make us stronger to try again. this is your life. you can just pick it up and try. and try again. and try it even tho everyone wants you to hate every second of it and do not believe you can do it. but you can. the only mistake you can make is letting them make you believe that progress has to be fast. even if it takes you 30 years to reach this checkpoint, the more you try to go up, the stronger you will get. its not about sitting there doing nothing and its not about being upset that you cant make it fast enough. you cannot plan for the route up the hill. you learn along the way. its about trying to push the boulder when everything inside of you screams at you that change is scary and everyone outside of you either pushes you to do it in their specific way or they tell you that you cannot do it. the boulder is your life and the hill is happiness. its not yourself who you should push, but the way you need the environment to be so you can be happy. the only true rebellion is happiness. when you are forced to live inauthentically, they do not want you to be happy. even if they think they do all they really care about is you not disturbing their prejudiced view of the world, of you being controlled by them. the gods punished sisyphus. they wanted him to suffer under their authority. the only choice you have to become happier is to make it up that hill and to do it with a smile on your face. even if you are not happy, you just need to want it and to believe that you can get there from your current situation and not through a miracle from an outside force. there is no other choice.

2 years ago my counsellor said to me that i was very good at being scared of things (lol), but i do them anyways inspite of the fear. ever since i can remember i was scared of the most mundane changes, from walking on a different side of the road on my way to school to asking my friend about their dog. but i still wanted to do all those things. i was just incredibly scared of chaos and rejection. so i didnt do them. but i dont regret not doing them. because with every time that i failed i get to try it again but with even more strength. and this is how i got here. my life has changed in such a significant way since i watched your coming out video and thats because of you and this community. i had dreamed of getting out of my hometown for years and i didnt think i could. but when you said the following: "Time changes everything. With the lives that we have, we can try anything we've dreamed of. [...] you are never trapped. There is always hope. You just need to believe in yourself and get to the other side." i needed to hear that. i didnt even know i was gay back then (thanks for that too) but as someone who was bullied for years and had my self esteem wrecked, i didnt think i had enough power. in fact, i really didnt for a long time. but i kept trying and pushing the line further until eventually i could free myself from the traps i was in my whole life. thank you dan. without your community i dont know where i'd be in life but i can only imagine it'd be worse. thank you for being born and continue living defiantly and pushing that bolder up that hill that is happiness. you are an inspiration.

(also shoutout to my phanhub friends, which btw i cant believe how long we've known each other know. i love you guys <3)

happy birthday @danielhowell 🖤🏳️‍🌈

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Some of you have probably noticed that I havent made a liveblog post in a while. Well, thats because I usually read on the bus and during my classes and then I come home and summarize my thoughts on the 2-5 chapters I read after theyve marinated in my head for a little while, but unfortunately i appear to be incapacited at the moment so I cant do that. But because its been weeks and I dont wanna forget anything and I would very much like to finish this series soon, I'll try to read at home sometimes from now on. Since my brain is still a lil mush Im gonna do what I did for my last post, which is write down what Im thinking as Im reading instead of summarizing all my thoughts retroactively, except this time I have my german copy on hand so if I want to quote something it'll be a translation

Anyway, with all that said, welcome to my twisted mind, please enjoy my thoughts on A Court of Mist and Fury Chapters 40

Chapter 40

Ive been wanting to say this for a while now but i kept forgetting, but they translated 'winnowing' as 'den Wind spalten' ['splitting the wind'] and that is objectively so much cooler, shoutout to my gal Alexandra Ernst for that

Feyre being like "ugh, its so pathetic how these human guards think they could stand a chance against even one of us" hurts me so much you guys what have they done to my girl

Once again, its apparently perfectly fine if Rhysand doesnt tell Feyre anything "because she never asked" but if Tamlin doesnt tell her anything when she never asked hes the devil

Also once again, Feyre is perfectly not-triggered at Mor wearing a scarlet dress

Idk how to explain this, but Rhysand saying that Feyre is wearing a golden crown because "she looks so good with it, how could he not give her one" is somehow the perfect encapsulation of the hollowness of her High Lady title

Oh, of course three of the queens only showed up to watch the other two talk, itd be too hard to write dialogue if they actually participated in this important conversation

hello???? Feyre referring to humans as "your kind" ??? wth is going on

"every side bears some blame" hey rhysand ive got a question for ya. which side enslaved the other again

everytime the oldest queen does anything the prose feels the need to remind me of how old and wrinkly she is and its like, i get it, shes OLD

The oldest queen is spitting so hard rn, Im not even gonna question how they heard of the night court when Feyre, who lived closest to Prythian for many years, didnt know anything aout the individual courts prior to getting there herself, Im just gonna put her whole little monologue here: "Oh? [...] The High Lord of the Night Court asks that we join him so that we can save lives together? Fight for peace? And what about the lives that you have taken during your long, despicable existance? What about the High Lord who shrouds himself in darkness and destroys the mind of those who stand in his way? [...] We have heard of you on the continent, Rhysand. We have heard of what the Court of Night is capable of, what you do to your enemies. Peace? I wouldn't have thought that you - a man who enslaves the minds of others and kills them out of pure enjoyment - even know that word."

Anyway, she was spitting absolute bars and Feyre gets super mad about it and almost commits arson but manages to reign herself in and its like girlie, why are you so upset? one of the first things we find out about the night court in this book is that they apparently indiscriminately kill (or atleast torture) anyone who crosses the night court border without permission like theyre the fucking us government, i think the bad reputation is justified

Forgive me if I sound callous, but I have absolutely no sympathy for Rhysand flinching at the mention of Amarantha when Feyre didnt even use her name and is also talking about how she fucking DIED AT HER HANDS

God, I feel like I have something to say about every single line this post is gonna be like 10 thousand words long by the time Im done

So lets take it from the top; Feyre tries to convince the mortal queens to give them the half of the book by recounting to them how much everyone suffered under Amarantha and how she was gruesomely beaten to death and then revived, which is not a compelling argument to me, who actually witnessed all of that, much less these queens who have barely any context for anything shes saying right now

The oldest queen is like "you dont know anything about anything" which is true what the fuck does Feyre know about whats going on in the human world or even the fae world at large, and then Rhysand growls "dont you dare talk down to her!!" because shes passionate and speaking from the heart or whatever and its like, okay, shes still not good at politicking or even just basic negatioation and shes talking to a seasoned politician who old as fuck

Like, if Feyre was actually smart, she wouldve long since realized that she couldnt convince these queens to protect this little slip of land right up to prythians border and been like "okay, you dont wanna protect the land, but can you atleast organize an evacuation so you can atleast save the people" Sure, they definitely still wouldnt have agreed to that because its a sjm book and theyre written to be comically evil, but it would atleast demonstrate Feyre being a little savvy, because right now all we're getting is her being stupid and stubborn in a situation where she really cant afford that

god, im just now noticing how pissed off I am, its been bleeding into my commentary and its not gonna stop, Im sorry. wait no, if youre reading this youre probably looking for negativity, so youre welcome, actually

Anyway, Rhys also says that Feyre is a kindhearted soul looking out for people who cant defend themselves even though she definitely thought that those human guards were pathetic for wanting to defend themselves when she and the other fae were soooooo much more powerful and he definitely knows that because the mental bond is fully open during this meeting and he chastises the queens for being selfish and cowardly when its like, my brother in christ you are doing the exact same bullshit, but atleast the queens are defending a wholeass continent while hes defending one (1) city. and iirc that city ends up getting attacked and destroyed anyway so good job my guy

Theres something so oddly biblical about the story Mor is telling about Miriam, down to her name being Miriam

That island thats removed from time is such bullshit istg

Is it just me or have these bozos not actually explained what they even need the other half of the book for. theyre just like "we need to stop this war and we'd like peace between humans and fae" and its like cool, hows the book gonna help with that though

im sorry, feyre wants to punch that old woman in the face????

the chapter ends with Elain being like "I hope they burn in hell" and i get that, they just straight up said that they want to abandon a whole bunch of people (them included) to die if a war breaks out, but you cant say that the night court girlies are not also at fault for being so fucking bad at politics

[neverdying-d-e-a-d]

ok i have more confidence from internalizing that ill always be good and valuable #winner but ☝️

im afraid of someone killing me if they dont like me. whatever.

im afraid of someone killing me if they do like me. whatever.

im afraid of people.

i always come back to this. im afraid of people

most people arent even capable of violence, i feel like. people are domesticated, dont have a real violent bone in their body. all talk, all soft. most people dont even think about violence or consider it to be a choice. lets file through the people i know about in my head. insofar as i know, the only people who have made violent threats to me, are one girl, and my father. which, wow.

people are violent in passing, casual ways . but murder? unheard of. and people get violent when they need real and serious help. its not really a choice, is it? well. no, it is, of course it is a choice. i choose not to be violent in passing, or try to. ive never been actively violent, sought it out. so i suppose i dont know if active violence is a choice. only in the way that i cant imagine anything to be a choice.

[okay wait. actually i HAVE been actively violent before i pushed a kid down the stairs in middle school and that was definitely a choice. to be fair he wanted to choke me to death. well. i pushed him out of the way and he fell down the stairs like an idiot and he shouldnt have been blocking the entire class and well, no one liked him, and i guess if no one likes you then the right to your body's safety gets taken away. at least, that's how i felt in middle school, i suppose. i still feel that now, just a bit, i can feel it. violent punishment, devaluing bodies. its abhorrent, so why do i feel these things?

i feel like theres conditions under which i deserve violence. i feel like i deserve violence. like it's the most natural thing in the world. i feel surprised, time and time again, to find evidence to the contrary. i feel like i deserved it all. i was told i deserved it all. i was told it makes sense and i guess, it still all makes sense in my mind. im still just a child, remembering it. it.

struggles no man could ever understand. struggles no adult could understand. no older brother. constant constant everything. starving. hitting myself. falling to the ground. metal baseball bats, porn, secret rooms. dents in my head, and screaming, always the screaming, it seems to follow me. selling my stuff apparently, pain medication. hospitals. seizures. gang violence. colonization. italy. knives. crying in closets, screaming in cars, in parking lots, in showers, in restaurants. threats of violence. real violence. scraps of love. long nothings. kissing ass. saying nothing. eating shit. never talking about myself or my life or my friends out of fear. threats of violence, always threats of violence. followed, sometimes, by real violence. control, obedience, long nothings. trophies. skirts. what is any of it worth, really? whys it ever a question? no one can ever seem to get over whats happened to them. and how could they? therapy costs money. im afraid of calling to even see if it costs money because im afraid of not having money]

and here i am wondering if i deserved all of it. of course i didnt.

god and magic, are they real? does a flow control us? if there isnt any god or magic, isnt there still god and magic? doesnt it feel like it? and if its a feeling, isnt it real, a phenomenon? like magic. just like magic. when something good happens for no reason. god and magic r probably just abstract feelings. the feeling that is tugging you along. what is tugging us along? no, really.

anyway.

opportunity, and they took it. their choice. fuck you for life

itd be nice for people to have more sympathies for these sorts of things, "women's" struggles. people victim to opportunities presented by the patriarchy. conditional violence. domestic violence. but it all fizzles away. and here i am, alone. really, really... lonely, sometimes. all the time. yeah, all the time. i think i might always be afraid of people. it just feels safer that way.

in other news, the surveillance state provides a promising new avenue for avant garde artists, ensuring every piece exposure to a pair of somethings hungry eyes. unless ai starts reviewing everything, i guess. then the surveillance state... reaches a yet colder avenue. oh well. im sure ai will pose its own insecurities.

[goremet-chef]

maybe ill tell my mom im hungry? im so. my entire LIFE i have always always hated asking for things like so much so that i stopped asking for things on my BIRTHDAY because im like. terrified of being seen as selfish? idk its funny cuz parents will like. god forbid i get a treat when im a kid, then all the grown ups in my life look down and call me spoiled as if they didnt give me the treat, and they still think children arent capable of complex thought so they didnt anticipate that id internalize it for the rest of my life but here we are 😁😁

so i just. god i hate asking for things it makes me feel so shitty but i think shes gonna go somewhere anyways? and EVENTUALLY hes going to run out of things to cook so maybe if i ask she'll bring home some food (vent/rant)

that is one thing that always bothers me tho ive got? idk my mom is. shes my mom i guess, currently she treats me very nicely but when her bf was gone for a few years all that anger was directed at me so yknow. i guess shes over it? or she tries to make up for it, but if im not given an apology, i wont forgive or forget even. it was mutual, lots of arguing on the basis of politics at time, but sometimes it was just fucking nothing, to the point where she'd even admit that i didnt deserve that treatment its just. SIGHHHHH im over it at this point im just trying to get out atp yknow? but like

my sibling asks for LOTS of things. and they get all of them. money for computer parts? sure. money for literally any thing? sure. new game? sure

im not bitter about it, as long as my mom can afford it i dont care. but like....... whenever I ask for things, its usually a no

because of my BPD, i take rejection really hard, its the worst pain in the world so i kinda just stopped asking for anything at all to avoid the feeling. then they always are like "ohh what do you want for yr birthday we cant just get you nothing" but i actually DID ask for something on my birthday. i asked for a copy of pokemon black for the ds. it was the only thing ive directly asked for in years, and i didnt get it which is super embarrassing. like whats the point of bothering me about what i want if you dont listen to me when i do? they always get me what they THINK i want and its this really outdated version of me that doesnt even exist anymore, its makes me dissociate knowing thats what they see me as when im just not that anymore. even when i tell them its null

IDK its jsut a whole thing, idk how to feel about it anymore. its to the point where like. my friends take me out sometimes but i mean. they know im broke, they know i have no job, they know i have no income. but im terrified the entire time that theyre gonna like. ask me to pay or something, and i always do my best to just do nothing when we go out cuz i really like. even when they offer to get me things it makes me feel so fucking shitty man i feel like im just leeching off of them even when they offered. even when they tell me they like getting me things it just. it feels so bad. and GOD its embarrassing, when we're walking around stores and all im doing is just following them around because i have like FIVE DOLLARS in my pocket at most. things like that make me want to never leave my house again, it just sucks.

im jealous of them if im honest, because they have jobs and i dont. but i dont think? i genuinely am unsure id ever be able to get a job. im not well adjusted like them, im constantly dissociating, constantly tired, my sibling yesterday, i made a comment about my mom leaving without telling me at all and he was like "well she said she was leaving on the weekend didnt she?" like yes, she did, but i genuinely have no idea what day it is at any given point. all i know is the number, i dont know the day of the week ever.

like im so. fucked, im fucked! totally, even if i managed to get me shit together, relearn the days of the week, set a good sleep schedule, im fucked anyways because i dont know how to be a person at all. an interview sounds fucking terrifying, ESPECIALLY if i dont know the questions theyre going to ask. i do really REALLY poorly with actual human conversation, like its painful. and pretty much everyone around me thinks im kinda creepy or weird in some way, so theyd DEFINITELY be able to tell. i have no resume, i dont even know what that IS. like im so fucked!! i wasnt able to pass highschool, i cant partake in a conversation if i dont somehow have both sides planned perfectly.

little unsure about my odds, gotta be honest

but at the same time like? i keep hearing people say "if you cant work then get disability insurance" am i disabled? everyone around me tells me im just not trying hard enough. they laugh at me when i say i just cant. even if it covers mental illness, i? i dont know. im constantly in denial of things because my family specifically my mom like. a long time ago she told me i just couldnt be autistic, because im "too smart"

?????? it showed me immediately that she has absolutely no fucking idea what shes talking about ever, i bet she couldnt list more than 2 symptoms of autism like genuinely. im not even smart also????? maybe id be a genius, if i could retain information after 5 minutes 💀💀 its complete bullshit man, im just. im at a loss

and then they have the audacity to mock me for not knowing how to be a person in the world, when THEY shouldve taught me. it was THEIR job to help guide me through it, and they didnt. they laugh and roll their eyes and scoff when i tell them oh i dont know how to use a stove, i dont know what food stamps are i dont know how to dress for a job interview ETC

they expect ill know, that i wouldve jsut picked it up over time but surprise! i didnt. i need instruction i need CLEAR instruction and no one will give it to me. its so frustrating man, they suck ass and they just make me feel WORSE about myself. like good fucking god, give me a break

idk im just. exhausted. im tired of just cramming my problems down because the people around me are incapable of seeing me as anything other than a child, and children dont have problems, right? i have no right to complain if my backs constantly hurting, if im too tired to feed myself properly, if i cant leave my house for 2 seconds without feeling the deepest dread. like be so serious bro

i cant wait to fucking move out, but.. how? my friends said its okay if i cant always make enough money from art to pay rent, but no. i dont believe them at all. theyre just being nice to me and i dont even deserve that, i fucking refuse i cant just. im always dead weight, its so frustrating. it frustrates the people around me, too. i feel like such a fucking burden man, its so tiring. if its not things i just dont know how to do, its fear. oh i cant help clean the garage because its crawling with spiders, i cant take out the trash because the trash bins are crawling with spiders. i cant walk down the stairs because i saw a spider on the ground. they fucking hate me man

i know what they see me as, but i have no idea how to convince them that its not me. they think im rude because i dont know how to properly communicate, i say things and its rude to them and i feel bad because i didnt intend to come off that way. everyone thinks im selfish, they think im overdramatic. exaggerating. if they could live in my head for one day, they wouldnt think that anymore

its so exhausting because you dont even get any sort of sympathy from them! just like. awkward pity, and it makes me wish i was never born. never oh im sorry yr feeling that way, do you wanna talk about it? never

they see me as such an obvious burden but they? i dont know! i genuinely cant understand, they think i just have no complex emotions? they think i cant hear it, cant see it? they think i dont feel like a burden when they tell me i am. its so stupid

i cant stand being around anyone, and it just pushes me FURTHER into dissociation. ive got an interesting thing with that. see, typically when yr dissociate with a dissociative disorder like OSDD or DID, that hazy period in time opens up for another alter to front, you dissociate away and get tucked inside yr head. except i get maladaptive daydreams. so im fully dissociated in another world basically but im still physically present. its like i just always take up space thats never meant for me, in every conceivable way. i hate it.

i know, when i finish typing this, ill feel a lot better. which is just embarrassing, bpd fucking sucks. having no emotional permanence is EMBARRASSING when im over here crying on my knees about my problems and then the second i get it out i feel completely fine. it just makes me invalidate my very real emotions even further and its so.

im just. whatever.

just spit it out and stop looking that way

[t0shii]

how they comfort you in a crowded place

including bokuto kotaro, aran ojiro, miya atsumu, oikawa toru, suna rintaro x gn!r

!warnings! mentions of anxiety & large crowds, slight panic attack, mentions of flashing lights & cameras, lightly proofread.

BOKUTO KOTARO.

it might take him a minutes to realize you're feeling anxious or overwhelmed and as soon as he does realize he's asking you what he needs to do to help you. never lets go of your hand!

You loved that your boyfriend kotaro had so many supporters but sometimes it was a bit overwhelming. for example, right now you both were arriving at the gym for the match his volleyball team was playing that night. fans basically swarmed your car and even the security guards were having a hard time holding them back.

you could feel yourself start to panic as they inched closer and closer, squeezing your eyes shut as you hooked your arm around your boyfriend's. at first he thought nothing of it, until he looked back at you and saw your eyes closed, face looking a little pale, sweat forming on your forehead. he took your hand immediately and pulled you securely under his arm, leaning down to your ear, "we're almost to the gym baby, just a little bit longer. im so sorry." he said to you, kissing the top of your head right after which only seemed to make the fans go even more wild.

he hugged you real tight as soon as you both got into the gym and apologized repeatedly, didn't let you leave his sight until you were feeling better but gave you space whenever you asked for it.

ARAN OJIRO.

knows you can get anxious in a large crowd so he tries his very best to avoid large crowds of fans or reporters. is really protective of you and WILL give anyone who tries to get too close the dirtiest look you didnt even know he was capable of.

Unfortunately, the gym his game was taking place it, was surrounded by fans. "i thought i specifically asked for a blocked area?" he complained to the driver. "i think theres just too many fans to control" the driver responded, looking for the drop off spot. "i'm so sorry angel, i told them to have a blocked off area for us" he explained, grabbing your hand and squeezing it tightly. you reassured him it was fine and there as nothing he could've done about the situation and that you should be fine because the gym wasn't so far away.

as soon as you two stepped out of the car it was absolute chaos. fans screaming for aran, reporters cameras flashing repeatedly yelling questions at him, trying their very best to get close to him. the secure guards were doing there best to hold them off though. all you could do was close your eyes and let your boyfriend lead the way, he never once let go of your hand the whole way there.

as soon as you got into the gym he checked to make sure you were okay, asking if you needed anything. "i'm fine ojiro, really, i'm okay." you assured him, kissing his cheek. he embraced you in a big hug. "i'm so proud of you angel." said with a smile into the crook of your neck.

MIYA ATSUMU.

oh lord... we all know how he feels about obnoxious fans LMAO. good luck to them if they make you uncomfortable in any way ESPECIALLY if they get too close. tsumu knows you hate crowds and he tries so hard to avoid them at any cost possible.

"What the fuck is this?" he mumbled at he saw the crowd forming by the drop off area, "i'm not sure sir but there really isnt time to wait, the rest of the team's' cars are behind us." the driver responded earning a groan from your boyfriend. "'m sorry, baby" he whined looking at you with glossy eyes. "no no, it's okay 'tsum. it's not your fault. the gym's not too far anyways, i think i'll make it." you joke intertwining your hands. he nods in response and both exit the car.

seconds later fans rushed toward the two of you, screaming for 'tsumu and flashing their camera. honestly you were fine until you looked over and a teenage girl was right beside you all in your personal space, atsumu never noticing because he was so focused on getting to the gym as soon as possible. "tsumu-", he turned his head towards you as soon as he heard you say his name. he immediately s aw the girl trying to get his attention was all over you so he pulled you away from her, put you infront of him and ignored her the rest of the way to gym. it was really like a scene from a movie

as soon as the two of you stepped in the gym he was making sure you were okay and asking if you needed anything. he hugged you really tight and apologized for all the people. "'m so sorry that girl baby i dont know what her deal was, she was all over you, not cool at all. should i make sure they don't let her in the gym? i don't want her anywhere near you." you chuckled at his question, "no 'tsum, she probably didn't even realize what she was doing. i'm okay now, really." he nodded his head at your response, "as long as you're okay." he said nuzzling into the crook of your neck.

OIKAWA TORU.

he loves the attention he gets from his fans but he will always always put your safety before their attention & dont let anyone else tell you otherwise. hates when his fans gets too close to you and when they crowd around the both of you, he didn't mind it before the two of you got together but when you told him you didn't like crowds he always does his best to avoid them.

"looks like there's a crowd toru." you say with a pout. "whaaat?" he groaned looking up from his phone. why did they have to follow the two of you to the airport? he thought to himself. he just wanted to get on the plane in peace. "oh no." he sighed looked at all the fans who had lined up to send the two of you off, luckily it the crowed wasn't too big considering it was 4 in the morning.

"i'm so sorry angel, i didn't think they'd follow us here this early," he explained with a frown."no no toru, it's not your fault at all! don't apologize" you assure him, leaning over to kiss his cheek. "let me step out and tell them to keep their distance." you nodded and he stepped oit

you giggled as you hear him ask his fans to stay away from you when you exit the car he. stays out and chats with the fans for a few minutes before it was time to go into the airport. fortunately his fans were super understanding and chill when you stepped out of the car, saying hi to you and wishing you both a safe flight. he still made sure you were okay even though the fans kept their distance like they promised and pampered your face im kisses filled with love and a whispered, "im so proud of you angel."

SUNA RINTARO.

god he hates crowds himself so he completely understands you. he doesnt like when fans crowd him and especially when they crowd around you since he knows it makes you anxious.

"just stay close okay?" your boyfriend mumbled in your ear as he took your hand and helped out of the car. you responded with a quiet "mhm". i hate these people, he thought to himself. not only did he already hate crowds, he hated when there was a crowd around you. honestly, you couldn't even see straight because of all the flashing cameras and it didn't help that all the fans around were pushing in closer and closer, the two of you could barely even move as it was. all you could do was squeez your eyes shut and pray you got to the gym faster than the fans could trample over you to get a an autograph or a picture from your boyfriend.

rintaro was squeezing your hand so tightly by the time you both stepped into the gym you thought your hand was gonna fall off and you could barely even control your breathing, he immediately pulled you into an embrace, not too tight though, kissing the crown of your head and rubbing your back soothingly, "im so sorry baby, you did so well." was all he said over and over again, trying his best to ease you while his teammates stumbled in behind the two of you complaining about the crowd.

after your breathing had calmed down he gave you space whenever you wanted it making sure to check up on you periodically. "im okay now rin, you can go practice now." you reassure him, with a kiss on the cheek of course. he agreed after a while but was still worried about you the whole practice and for most of the game after that.

a/n omg i rlly like writing for aran AHH ok ummmm thanks for reading p.s. oikawa would be so chill with his fans after highschool UGH everyone says theyre rude but i hc the opposite 😌😤

[saltwatersweetner]

End Me

Eren x Reader

A Prequel of Sorts. Eren never fought for control preferring the security of your hold on him but you could never fully domesticate a wild animal it seemed.

Part 1 Part 3

CW: Manipulation, Toxic Relationship, Attempted Murder, Unhealthy coping mechanisms all in all mildly unsettling themes.

Eren knew how to be good—painfully so. He also knew how to be bad—concerningly so. He was a creature of habit. He did whatever he decided was best for him at the moment and maybe thats what lead you to your current stare down.

“Eren I said move.”

“Fuck what you said.”

Frowning you tried to think what honestly could have brought this mood upon him. It couldn’t have been because you were going out he always understood your random need to socialize. You also can’t remember purposefully setting him off, not in the mood and you weren’t completely cruel to ignore his random—even for him mood change—more in tune to your partners mood swings and emotions than you were to you own.

Carefully reaching out for him you raise an eyebrow when he moves away from your—for now—gentle touch “Are you really upset or just being a brat?”

“Stop talking to me.”

Huffing you choose to ignore his attitude and slip your coat over your shoulders just in time for a knock to be heard from the front door. With Eren on your heels you open the door for your friend.

“Y/N I called but you didn’t answer so I just came up.”

You get a flashback of Eren throwing a tantrum not even 30 minutes ago and launching your device from you 6th floor apartment “Yeah I dropped my phone off the balcony but lets go—Eren be good.”

His glare turns even more deadly when Reiner politely wraps an arm around your shoulders. Closing the door behind you Reiner laughs into the quiet hall “Be good? What is he your dog?”

“Something like that.”

Reiner was a friend an attractive one at that and Eren didn’t like it at all. He hated anyone that was even remotely close to you because you already didn’t like anyone but with Reiner it was different. You let him touch you and hold you.

Eren hated it, he hated it so much—and to make matters worse you didn’t care about his feelings—not one bit.

After a night of bar hopping and watching Bertholdt make a fool of himself in front of Annie, Reiner once again brought you home.

“It was nice seeing you, without your guard dog.” The face he made at the thought of Eren wasn’t a nice one.

“Aw sweetheart don’t be mean.” Reaching up you hold his warm cheek in your slightly chilled hand.

You knew jealousy when you saw it, could detect the slightest change of emotion when it was presented to you. He leans into your hold like a cat seeking out affection—much different than Eren’s wild way of seeking you out.

“Don’t be jealous my dear use your words.”

Reiners face was slowly moving closer to yours and you smirk in amusement. It would seem you had a knack for catching the attention for boys who were looking to be controlled.

“Y/N....”

Your door swings open before Reiner can kiss you and Eren is looking beyond livid. Reiner freezes his fight or flight telling him to run but you keep him steady with your palm.

“Were you waiting for me?”

Eren’s nod is slow and deliberate his eyes still glaring at the nonexistent space between you and the blond.

“Then that ends our time together, goodnight Reiner.” He shivers in what you think is glee from the acknowledgment of the time you spent with him.

“Goodnight.” He doesn’t acknowledge Eren any longer and hurries out to the elevator.

Turning back to the aforementioned boy you make a motion with your wrist “Move.”

When he eventually does get out of your way your hyper aware of the way he sticks to you almost like glue. Throwing your coat over the back of your couch you stretch and lead him to the kitchen.

“You hungry? All I’ve done is drink tonight I could really eat—“

He swings you into the wall by the neck. The alcohol in your system made it incredibly difficult to feel the pain you knew was blossoming up your back so all you could do was stare at the man before you.

You saw the endless sea of madness that unlike you he didn’t bother to cover up. Everyone found the look endearing on him like he never left that childishness behind but you knew the truth.

You could slowly feel yourself starting to suffocate. You didn’t bother panicking because as it had it Eren had all the power right now. If he or you moved the wrong way your neck was as good as snapped.

“Why did you let him touch you?”

Putting a calm hand on his wrist you try and fail to alleviate some of the pressure being forced down on your windpipe “Why. Does. It. Matter.”

Eren was breathing unevenly stuck between fighting his impulses and actually causing some damage “You’re mine you’re—you’re not supposed to—“

“Says. Who?” That makes him let go.

As it would have it you and Eren weren’t dating in any shape or form but he belonged to you. You brought him pleasure that he couldn’t find anywhere else. He was entirely devout to you and you only, all on his own fruition. From the moment he’d accidentally bumped into you and saw through the mask you wore. From the moment he stalked you from the moment he’d shown himself to you begging for salvation.

He wanted to play the game—wanted to be entertained in the morbid way regular people would get sick to their stomachs at—and you let him. You found him amusing enough to keep around but you refused to belong to anyone but yourself.

He was losing the game and fast. As his god you couldn’t be bothered with feeling bad for him.

“Now we can eat or you can sit here and starve whats it gonna be?”

Eren looked terribly unwell like he was about to fold in on himself “u-um eat please.”

You’d never seen him look so unsure before and it made you excited. How would he cry for you next? Would he try to fight more, yell and scream? Or would it be silent and broken?

Flicking your wrist you busy yourself in the kitchen “Good choice, go sit.”

He does as he’s told mumbling words to himself along the way. Was it cruel? Maybe. But you couldn’t be bothered considering how much of a thorn in your side he’d been all day.

You wanted to break him more and till he was nothing but crushed up stars slipping away in the wind. You almost felt bad for how much you were going to ruin him.

But he was your property after all to do with what you wanted. No one could stop you even if they tried. Especially because he let you and thats what made keeping him around so worth it.

You didn’t have the capability of feeling anything close to love no matter how fond of the boy you actually were. So you settled with ownership—they were damn near synonymous anyways.

So you proceeded as normal—well as normal as you are. You order the food you feed him and you move on to wash the dishes. He’d eventually get out of his feelings because he didn’t have the mental capacity to dwell on certain emotions for too long. It was all but routine now.

“Eren bring me whatever dishes you left lying around.”

“...ok.”

Filling the sink with a mixture of water soap and a drop of bleach you wait patiently for the boy to bring what you requested. Turning off the tap You almost get impatient when it seemed like he was taking forever.

“Eren—“ you’re grabbed by the back of the head and shoved face first into the sudsy water.

You try with all your strength to get your head out of the sink but Eren just doesn’t stop. He’d never...hurt you before? Never acted out in this manner it startled you maybe.

And you were slowly but surely drowning.

When he finally does let you up you drop to the floor taking in large gulps of air. Your eyes stung from the mix of bleach and soapy water and you were suddenly freezing.

“Dont,” you look up to eren to see he once again wore that livid expression.

“Dont you ever think about leaving me do you understand?” His breathing was already heavy but now it was slowly turning into hyperventilation. “I’ll kill you I’ll fucking kill you if you ever l-leave me.”

You watched him begin to sob, dropping on his knees he crowded closer to you looking every bit of the victim he made himself.

“Im sorry I’m good I’ll be good I swear!” He tries to touch you but you smack his hands away making him sob harder.

You knew Eren you knew him. His inclination of violence had never been towards you and yet?

“Hit me hit me hit me im sorry please im good I promise.”

Those were the only words that made sense to you in the moment. You were a violent creature by nature one who prioritized your own life before anyone else’s, you’ve never done anything you didnt doubt you’d be able to get out of and yet? Eren had surprised you and not in a good way.

Your eyes come back into focus and you see the pitiful look he wore as if he hadn’t just almost killed you “Hit me please?”

And so you do.

You punch him right in the face with all your strength causing him to fly back against the tiles and you don’t stop there. You let out all the frustration from your near death experience out onto his body completely aware of the blissed out smile he now sported.

Regardless your mind was going 1 million miles per hour as one thing became clear. Eren was slipping out of your control and fast. One day you feared he’d be the one in control and that wasn’t a game you wanted to play.

You’re in control.

You were IN control

You not him.

You.

You freeze. Fist inches from his face.

It was like your body was in forced reboot you couldn’t move your thoughts finally spiraled too far and too fast for you to reach.

You weren’t in control?

Starring at the needy expression on his face you came to the horrific realization that maybe you’d been playing in his hands all this time. He’d been able to get anything he ever wanted out of you—he knew it too.

Did you really—no you couldn’t be right?

“I’m good see?”

Wrong—you were in so fucking deep.

Slowing your breathing you lower your once trembling fist “Get. Out.”

“Huh?”

Climbing off his chest you wipe the remaining water off your face “Get the fuck out I dont wanna see you.”

Eren hadn’t expected this outcome considering how hurt he looked “B-but where am I supposed to go?”

It was a stupid question you both knew he had his own dorm to himself but he’d been so used to sleeping with you every night that he couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.

Rolling your eyes you til your head “I dont care.”

“I cant sleep without you.”

“Cry about it.”

Hauling his shocked form up and out of your home you slam the door shut and immediately turn all three locks ignoring his soft cries from the other side.

Pulling at your wet shirt you could feel the breakdown coming. How did he do it? How’d he make your carefully crafted control snap?

Going into your room you lock that door as well before snatching the throw blanket from the end of your bed and a pillow. Going into your walk-in closet you close the door behind you and navigate in the dark to the farthest corner and sit.

You sit and sit and sit and sit and sit...and then you scream.

You scream until your lungs are raw and your voice is gone and you’re not sure when exactly you started scratching at your face but the stinging thats left behind is brutal.

You needed to think.

You needed a plan.

You needed—fuck you didnt know.

But you did know Eren was about to become a much bigger problem.

[aenniesryu]

tsukikage middle school exes

tsukishima kei and kageyama tobio. both in their first year of high school and are also teammates since they played in the same vb team for their school

ofc everyone is well aware of the fact that these two kind of hated each other. not that it was an obvious fact to begin with since ever from the beginning the two would constantly bicker and throwing insults at one another

however, that was it. that was the only thing everyone knows about the two. the team even had to separate the two of them when things escalated quickly just to make sure none of them will started to throw fits

no one knows the actual reason as to why they would bicker every so often. the team just thought that the two have so different perceptions towards volleyball that makes them so hard to get along with

the team did tried to help them to get along but it just ended up with them constantly at each others throat arguing about whatever it is

what the team actually didnt know is that tsukishima and kageyama once dated back then in their middle school days.

so basically the entire thing going on between those two were just them being salty because of 1) the break up and also 2) their mindset when it comes to volleyball

tsukishima and kageyama once dated before despite them not attending the same school

but, both were living in the same neighbourhood and their houses were basically next to each other making it easier for them to constantly see each other

however, that was a year ago before kageyama's family decided to move to another neighbourhood

no, the break up was not because of them moving because they would still see each other if they put more efforts in it

the break up on the other hand was because of this one major thing. it was a silly reason but nevertheless it was the thing that made them broke up and that thing is volleyball

yes, volleyball. even tho both were playing for their respective teams back in middle school, their perspective when it comes to volleyball differs too much.

kageyama being the volleyball freak he is would just spent most of his times practicing his serve. even on the weekends. tsukishima, however didnt really took it seriously when it comes to volleyball ever since it was just a club anyway, right?

with kageyama spending more and more time with his practice, tsukishima was left alone. they barely even get to meet each other because of them being in different schools and then kageyama's free time was now full with volleyball alone

tsukishima might felt a lil bit jealous since kageyama, his boyfriend at that time would constantly talked about oikawa. it's always oikawa this and oikawa that. he knows kageyama only meant no harm and hes just looking up onto his senior who plays really well.

tsukishima was fine with that. yeah, he really does because never once did he ever tell kageyama to shut up whenever he talks about oikawa.

what was not fine was that kageyama spent the only free time they had on volleyball. it was the only time that they would be able to hang out and go outside but suddenly it stopped. no more seeing each other, no more dates and no more talking to each other

yes, kageyama did tell him over and over again that he feels sorry and that he just needs to prepare himself to be the best for their team

tsukishima did understand him but as time passed by, tsukishima became selfish. well that's what he thought. hes tired of waiting. he shouldn't be blamed when all he wanted was for his boyfriend attention

then 2 months before the very important match for kageyama, tsukishima went and break things off. and just like that they are no longer boyfriends or friends

kageyama moving to another neighbourhood just make things a lil bit easier since they wont be seeing each other anymore after the break up

"What the fck was that kageyama?" Tsukishima is now in rage with his once called boyfriend. They were in the middle of a practice match where they were divided into two different teams and just to make them work along together and maybe become friends, coach ukai and daichi thought it would be the best to put them into the same group. Oh how wrong they were because now they are fight again.

"I just did what's the best for the team. All you need to do is jump a lil bit higher than usual for that toss. you are already tall enough, make sure of it for once" kageyama was surprisingly calm when he said that but only god knows how scared he felt whenever tsukishima raised his voice at him because he got irritated. it wasnt a pleasant sight to see and get into especially when tsukishima is dmn mad. like the situation they are in now.

"yes my height alone is enough and that is why, you as the setter should take in mind that I would perfectly score if you just tossed me the ball right at where my hand can reach. making me go through all the hard work just to reach that fcking ball you threw is just wasting my energy" tsukishima is really not having it. not only did kageyama sent him a high ball, hes also pissed that kageyama made him wasted his energy in jumping higher than he normally do.

"excuse me? I'm just doing what's the best for the team. I'm taking out that fcking capability that you have in you that you decides to freaking hide and toss it away, just because you think putting an effort even the slightest of it into the match is a waste of your time" now kageyama started to boiled up. he knows that tsukishima has a lot of talent when it comes to volleyball, he knows that really well. perks of being his boyfriend throughout their middle school years. well honestly kageyama thinks tsukishima is just wasting his talent with his kind of mindset.

everyone at the gym are just staring and listening to them arguing. daichi was closed to tear them apart and continue with the practice match, but before he can do that sugawara stop him. daichi was not having it but sugawara had something else in mind. he thinks that maybe them arguing this time would make the rest of the team to get a grip on what making them argue in the first place. and maybe the truth would unfold without them needing to ask tsukishima and kageyama. coach ukai seems to have the same thoughts too since he make no moves in stopping them. so the team just understands and silently look at them and wait for more.

"I dont get your obsession with drawing the team's talent or whatsoever because you ended up getting more demanding. I thought you were a setter. didnt setter usually can already feel his teammates thoughts? im here just doing what I have to do during practice and waiting for it to end like it always did but you? you just have to screw up everything. im already tired but you clearly didnt see that! just what kind of a setter who acted like a dictator and yet hes not even the leader of the team? tell me!" tsukishima yelled his frustration out. he wants this to end just so he can go back to his house and do whatever he finds interesting. and basically volleyball is not one of them.

kageyama didnt said anything after that. he felt bad and all the memories from when his old team abandoned him during a play starter clouding his mind. to make it worse he's on the verge of breaking down. his eyes are filled with tears but he held them back. hearing those things from someone you love didnt really felt the greatest.

"what? now you decided to stayed silent? why? just realizing how my words are true and theres no point in denying it? did you ever just sit back and think about how your shitty your attitude is in court? about how tired your teammates felt trying to satisfy you? this is literally the reason why your old teammate decided to abandoned you in the middle of the match. because you are so demanding and it stresses them out more than the actual game is" just when he finished saying what he needed to say, kageyama slap him. when tsukishima turn to see him, kageyama is already crying.

"YOU! out of all people in this world should know how important volleyball is to me. you should've known that theres literally nothing I can do aside from volleyball. you shouldn't have said that if you know what I went through the entire year. and then at the end? what did I get? I get abandoned. not only by my teammates but I was also abandoned by my own family. just to make things even worse, you fcking break up with me at the times when I needed you the most kei. the one person i thought that would always stay by my side. but you didn't even listen to the shit I have to tell you because you completely shut me off. I went through every single thing alone. All by myself. I practice alone, think of the best strategies for my own team on my own because I was pressured AND threatened by the coach, I came back to an empty house and freaking live alone. theres no one I can even call and relied to!! I cant even call the person I love because hes sick of me. all I ever wanted was people to appreciate my efforts even tho it's only in volleyball. I wanted YOU to be proud of me above anything else because I cant reach your level when it comes to academic. I wanted to be perfect for you and all I ever wanted was for people around me to be proud of me for the one thing I'm capable of but all I get is people abandoning me!!"

silence. theres no sound can be heard in the gym aside from kageyama's heavy breathing. everyone is just stunned with the sudden confession. not only did they just heard kageyama's biggest fear but they also heard the part where he mentioned about their break up. tsukishima and kageyama were a thing before? they were dating? since when?"

"tobio-" tsukishima breaks the silence. hes panicking but he didn't know what do to because everything is just too sudden and all he can think of is how shitty of a boyfriend he was during the time that they were dating. thats what his brain has been saying. after all never once did he ever asked how kageyama was feeling. he was indeed selfish and everything is all his fault. if only he stayed-

kageyama seems to snapped back into reality when he heard tsukishima called him by his given name. he panicked. he just spilled everything in front of the team.

"i-im sorry. I should just go home. I'm really sorry you guys have to witness such a pity side of myself" kageyama chuckled and wipe his tears. "coach, i would like to take a break from the team for the time being. again, I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I'll see you guys later" and with that kageyama walked out of the gym ignoring his teammates eyes and the calls.

"what the hell just happened" tanaka said as the argument really is tensed and they literally just heard something that is kept secret between tsukishima and kageyama.

"tsuki, you and kageyama-" yamaguchi said softly as to not add any more anger in tsukishima. after all tsukishima kind of had an anger issue.

"ugh fuck, yes we did." tsukishima sigh. theres really nothing he can do. everyone knows and they probably think its his fault anyways. but the team has the opposite thoughts than him

"I honestly dont know what to say" sugawara said to him. he really wanted to help but it's not in his power to do so. all he can do is give them advice.

"ha, no need. I already know it's my fault. you guys can blame me. I would gladly accept it"

"What? No" were the replies he get from his team members. he was clueless coz after all kageyama wouldnt turn into a tyrant if only he stayed and didnt leave.

"we didnt blame you. both of you were young that time it was just normal for you to feel he loved you less. but you two lack in communication which leads to this whole entire mess. idk what you two went through and how long you've been together, it's not my business. but, all I can say is that you two need some closure. and clearly none of you even moved on from the past. arguing with each other every other day isnt the healthiest way to cope with the break up. just please sort this out with him. hes in pain and so are you." enoshita who has been quite the entire time decided to speak up. he do got a point especially with that lack communication between tsukishima and kageyama. sooner or later he needed to settle this whole mess before it started to drag the entire team. kageyama is the regular player in their team, and even with sugawara who can replace him as a setter, kageyama really is needed in the team. hinata also needed kageyama.

"I know I'm the last person you want to hear this from.. but tsukishima please bring kageyama back to the team. I needed him. the team too. and I think you needed him too. so please, I will do whatever it takes to help get him back into the team" hinata cried out. after all they were the freaky duo. they relied more on one another.

"but didnt kageyama only asked to take a break? it's not like he would just quit" nishinoya chipped in. "indeed he said that, but we are not sure on how long would the break be. it can be days, weeks, months and even years." coach ukai reasoned.

"let's just stop here. you guys can go home now. I will cancel tomorrow's practice so please just take a good rest. We'll continue our practice on the day after that. And you tsukishima" coach ukai added and turn to look at tsukishima with a soft look. It was a rare sight to see but they know it's for the best

"yes?"

"idk what you are planning to do. whether you sort things out and talk to kageyama or you didnt do anything about it is up to you. just clear out your minds whenever you came intl practice. we already less in one member, we didnt need to lose another one"

"thank you coach!"

listen, idek what I'm doing but I'm just gonna post this even tho I know it was bad because honestly when I reread this I felt truly nothing lmao but my friend said it was good/okay idk dont really trust her but hey, the very least I can do is post this here so I can move on(?) welp, enjoy ig.

[blookmallow]

made it to queen’s mansion 

that would be unfortunate 

why do you KEEP showing up, get the fuck out of here bird boy 

i gave him the present because i was afraid it would explode or something but to be fair i dont think anyone else on the planet wants this 

sick

god fucking damn it 

i like the fact that kris apparently thinks thats how you spell tutorial though fsdjgs

yes. goodbye 

lancer why have you done this 

susie is a goddamn treasure 

hmmm. this feels........... homestuck 

glad we’ve got that settled 

i get that this scene was supposed to make berdly seem sympathetic but “ive been manipulating and using noelle to make myself look good for years and taking all the credit for everything she does and treating her like a helpless damsel when i Know Damn Well she’s smarter and more capable than me actually” just. is not making me like him any more lmfao

like ok it is good that he owned up to it. he admitted this. that’s a big step. but i still do not fucking like this bird 

anyway ralsei gets to be a little butler and it is very cute 

:( 

sniffs

ok

at least hes got a spaghetti 

why isnt ralsei affected by being in The Wrong World. why is everyone able to go to ralsei’s kingdom from here afterward and everyone’s fine. i feel like i didnt process an explanation somewhere 

THANKS 

oh fuck it’s you again 

hey what the absolute fucking shit hell is going on with this guy 

im terrified and also intrigued 

all his stuff is useless at best, actively harmful at worst sdfjgksg

i clicked too many poppups, 

kris/susie/ralsei polycule confirmed 

actually i dont like that because ralsei might be asriel or is at least some reflection of asriel or Something and that’s kris’s brother so maybe not 

susie vandalized the manual :( 

i... see 

okay, 

anyway i dont... think ralsei had a room back in the. containment cellblock or whatever but there is an “asriel” room (which you can’t go into. it doesn’t say what’s inside) im not sure if thats. Relevant or if ralsei just didn’t get a room because he wasn’t really captured and was sort of just. being a butler for a while

susie just fucking WRECKING the place here 

the. pool of acid

ah

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom season 2, ep 12-16 thoughts! these episodes, in comparison to the first 10 or so, felt way more laid back and low-stakes, which I appreciate sometimes. I didn't appreciate how lazy jack's halfa design was in masters of time, it made me so annoyed I redesigned it. 👎🏻 u_u

see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3

-'picking a fight with me and my upgraded form!' 'you upgraded to a mullet?' DANNNNY. YOU CANT SAY THAT TO TECHNUS. YOUVE HAD A MULLET TWICE NOW ('fun' split danny, and evil future danny BOTH HAD THEM). I HAVE THE RECEIPTS.

-danny seeing technus hurting valerie and yelling I AM GOING TO BREAK YOU IN HALF. SAMEEEE <3

-axion labs is now a part of vladco. FUCK YOU VLAD. hes not even really IN this episode, but just thought I'd throw out a nice fuck you anyway.

-'capable of blasting a single person into space in (2) minutes!' tucker. that would kill someone. i mean yeah they might get to space, but theres NO WAY THEY WOULDNT CATCH FIRE, OR THEIR ORGANS WOULDNT LIQUIFY BECAUSE OF THE STRAIN. THEY'D PROBABLY PASS OUT BEFORE THEN, BUT. ...no, okay, I get why vlad bought this company. this is RIGHT up his alley.

-danny KNOWS VAL DIDNT DO THIS, THAT SOMEONE STOLE THE SUIT. AND SPENDING ALL NIGHT CHATTING WITH HER. <3 and val is a 9TH DEGREE BLACKBELT?? danny's mom is, too!! omg and she hunts ghosts, his parents would love her. and her fav fruit is kumquat bc its a funny word. im so with danny val is amazing. I love her and I Do Not Want To Hear It From Sam.

-I knew danny wanted to be an astronaut, but the bowling tidbit is like. yes give me more useless info abt these characters, I love tiny details that make them feel more human, and im glad hes got hobbies aside from ghost stuff, we dont really see a lot of that!!! (I mean, we knew 'fun' danny from when he split himself in half liked bowling, so obv it makes sense he LIKES it, but hes very GOOD at it. so proud of him, bowling king) val calling him neil armstrong and them teasing each other. LOVE THAT.

-technus you are my favorite grandpa for setting this up. SAM WHY ARE YOU BEING SO CREEPY BE HAPPY FOR YOUR FRIEND!!! STOP SPYING ON THEM!!! who actually cares if technus did 'set them up' together, theyre having fun and enjoy each others company!!! 'you think the universe wants you two to be together?' 'i dunno, but maybe /I/ do!' EXACTLY DANNY!!! SOO TRUE.

-and valerie being happy sam said she wants to try and be happy for them and make room at the lunch table for them. and hugging sam over it. VAL NEEDS MORE FRIENDS.

-VAL GOING AFTER TECHNUS IN HER SUIT WITH (1) MILK, AND (1) TREE BRANCH AND KEYS!!!. I LOVE YOUUUU BEST GIRL. her new suit kicks ass

-dannys like 'HEY IM AN ASTRONAUT :D' AW. ...HES IN SPACE... the fact he's actually intending to give her the ring. with SAMS NAME ON IT?? IM CRINGING DANNY NO. YOU CANT DO THAT...thank god he didnt. thank god valerie cut it off and said they can just stay friends for now. tbh, they both have a lot on their plates!! they obv both still like each other...it can be a future thing!! when she knows about phantom! youre 14 theres no need to rush. I just want her to have friends and be happy :(

-...danny struggles to do (1) pull up. SAME. but all the ghost fighting in phantom form REALLY doesnt carry over at ALL? that sucks

-sam being as fit as she is, is not just a goth. shes a goth jock.

-honey I Shrank Our Kid, One of his Enemies, and his Bully: the episode

-dash's crush on phantom is So Obvious. fitness buddies :) watching them interact always makes me laugh. also, phantom, with PANTS. 'how many costume changes you gonna go through, what is this, vegas??' DASSH DJKSFHASKDF

-MADDIE GOING AFTER THE MOUSE WITH A BROOM, WHAT THE FUCK. AAAH. JUST BUY SOME KIND OF MOUSE TRAP.

-danny likes lime and vinegar chips. which sound very good.

-'our boy finally has the physical prowess of a 60 year old president!' ...poor danny LMAO

-'what's wrong with beauty pageants' oh tucker you sweet naïve child. what ISNT wrong with them. who approved this for a high school?? (I mean, yes. unfortunately child pageants exist, but...) also danny and tucker once again treating the pretty girls like objects. I need to meet the grown man who wrote this, I just want to talk...

-prince aragon's dragon form reminds me of maleficent (color scheme wise) which is always a bonus. considering the episode is called beauty marked, I feel like the sleeping beauty references are deliberate

-sam with the fake fangs. once again her accessories never miss. hate the 'not like other girls, girls who get sucked into this kind of thing are all shallow and all want to be carbon copies' bs tho.

-sam trying to be the Worst Bride, being rude as shit. DORA IS GOING TO GET KILLED. DID YOU MISS THE PART WHERE SHE SAID THE PRINCE WILL HAVE HER HEAD IF YOU ARENT THE IDEAL BRIDE. YOU /KNOW/ DANNY WILL COME SAVE YOU. JUST ACT CHILL UNTIL THEN. even if you were doing fine to get him to take off the crown, consider maybe not letting his poor sister get punished also?? sure, she could also take off the crown and has dragon powers, but did you know that for sure?? dora didnt even really realize it until you guys talked!! (or at least, she was scared to stand up to him. you had no guarantee she would...) but. good for dora. ANOTHER friendly ghost to add to the List :)

-tucker is so under appreciated in his time. if he was doing a tech-based campaign today he'd have a better shot. people in 2004 had NO IDEA how much tech would be a part of our day-to-day lives...altho. tbh if you're going to be running for student council president, maybe you should..focus on things to actually improve the school? since he's going for a tech angle, he could say like, he would be running fundraisers for the schools computers to be upgraded, etc? we've already SEEN he can be good at money-making entrepreneur type stuff!!

-oh my god wait. this episode is JUST YUGIOH?????! A REBORN PHAROH USING A TEENAGER AS A VESSEL?? YESSSSSS

-tucker using his new minion to feed him grapes and carry him. AND LOCUSTS ONTO THE BULLIES. I love how when he's possessed, he gains winged eyeliner.

-this episode is giving me big 'plankton makes everyone in bikini bottom his slaves and build monuments of him from the spongebob movie' vibes. and the pharaoh has a traitor who works for him? VERY big yugioh vibes. aknadin confirmed

-I like that danny is still completely exhausted after using ghostly wail. (still patiently waiting on him to get duplication)

-LOVE the fenton's 80s outfits. I get hes 14 and embarrassed by everything they do because theyre his parents, but. cmon, this is one objectively cool thing theyve done. love 80s fashion.

-...was vlad just standing on that streetlight waiting for danny to come out? how'd he know they'd be coming out the back? how long has he been up there???

-oh, wait, his ecto-acne has flareups? that SUCKS. danny was...well I dont want to say he was LUCKY HE HALF-DIED, but he was lucky his was pretty instant (I'm assuming that had to do with the power/scale of the portals being different?) I remember in the ep we met him, vlad made a point of saying he was stuck in a hospital for a long time, so. that really actually sucks and I feel bad. not that it excuses anything he's done...but like. it does suck.

-vlad being so sure danny wouldnt help him he made it somehow contagious to his friends to make sure he'd get help? danny is a nice boy, he wouldve helped if it was anyone else. the only reason he wouldn't have is because of the shit vlad did to him, on purpose. vlad 100% dug his own grave by being the biggest asshole, so it is very hard to feel bad for him.

-clockwork is back!!! and making danny learn lessons The Hard Way. Uhhh, okay. I kind of get Danny’s logic, that time traveling this far back would prevent vlad from becoming a halfa also, ergo no arch nemesis or ectoacne to worry about. But the fact that was basically the first solution Danny came up with to solve this problem is actually so funny. It’s so extreme

-APPRICIATION FOR THESE 80S LESBIAN BG CHARACTERS.

-vlad telling maddie in the lab (in the 80s) he has something he's wanted to tell her 'for a long time'...how long have they known each other? I assumed they met in college, since jack always calls vlad his college buddy/roommate, so jack and vlad for sure met in college, but did vlad know maddie longer? thats surprising if so. Tho we don’t know what year of college they’re in so they could mean they met as freshmen and a few years have past…speaking of maddie shes crushing the 80s look.

-vlad blames jack, but. maybe dont stick your face 2 inches from the portal??! THIS FEELS LIKE LAB SAFETY BASICS. IF SOMETHING HAS POTENTIAL TO BE DANGEROUS, DONT GET NEAR IT. WITH YOUR FACE UNPROTECTED IN ANY WAY. (altho jack didnt really give a Big Warning besides screaming BONZAI. so. also that, but cmon.) also, they need gloves, goggles, and to pull all of their hair back tbh. but fuck lab safety, I guess!

-cryyyyinnng at how lazy they were with jack's ghost form design, its just plasmius' design on jack!!! you couldve given him his own design!!

-there. I did that in about 10 minutes and its somehow less lazy than what made it into the show. embarrassing! better yet, I think the episode would've been better if maddie would've gotten the ectoacne. or maybe its just me, wanting to see her design! anyway. I'm sure people have already done redesigns of them both as halfas. I have to go look after I finish this watch through. Also mildly frustrated jacks resentment and bitterness is basically also a copy paste of vlads backstory. They’re different characters, I really don’t think jack would stew in bitterness and jealousy the same way vlad would!! I also don’t think he’d give up after one time of trying to hunt ghosts and getting laughed at. Our canon timeline says different…I dunno, I get it was for laughs, but I’m annoyed because the POTENTIAL this plot has…

-did vlad really wear a stupid cheese hat to his wedding. ok actually that kinda rules. and the cheese door knocker. the dairy-only buffet table. vlad still got rich, just on being the New Dairy King. (Assuming that means he owns a lot of dairy businesses?) ok! this actually is great. hope maddie isn't lactose intolerant!

-'no matter how hard I tried, I could never get rid of my ghost half, the half I knew Maddie could never accept' ohh, ouch, what a horrible thing to say to her HALF GHOST SON. 'YOUR MOM WILL NEVER ACCEPT YOU' BASICALLY.

-maddie strapping danny to the table with a lazer pointed at him in a secret lab she keeps from vlad that she makes a point of saying is sound proof so he can scream all he wants...CHRIST. DANNYS POOR PYSCHE.

-also, not to feel bad for alternate vlad (because, he did lie to maddie saying jack blames her and never wants to see her again...) but. being married to a woman 20+ years and she immediately goes back to jack? if she didnt love vlad and feels like she had to hide shit from him, and says she wasted her best years with him, WHY MARRY HIM. it feels like leading him on!!! cannot believe im feeling bad for vlad, but. this alternate timeline vlad is significantly Less Horrible than Our Vlad. did she not think she'd get funding for her ghost stuff? (which, fair assumption since they're considered 'ghost fanatics/nuts in canon...but...) why did she think jack or vlad would be her ONLY OPTIONS? be like your sister. be single. Actually, this au could’ve been really interesting if after the accident, vlad lied to her and said jack never wanted to see her again, but she stays single. Imagine how much that would bug vlad… like, in her mind, it was never a competition it was jack or no one type situation…

-danny being like 'leave him ALONE' this jack is a HOMEWRECKER, DANNY. let them go to court and settle this at the least. ...or just throw vlad into the portal. (100% human, defenseless vlad) CHRIST, MADDIE THATS BRUTAL. THATS MURDER.

-danny seeing his mom immediately accepting him and his dad being half ghosts in this universe, if I was him this would be a great sign that his universe's maddie would also.

-*maddie voice* "clockwork will help!" *2 seconds later, with clockwork* "I will Not Help." TOUGH LOVE KING. YES LET DANNY SEE THE SODA HIMSELF AND DEVOLP BETTER OBSERVATION SKILLS.

-when clockwork ""reset time to the way it was"" just before danny "meddled"" ...did he really erase a whole alternate timeline? ...damn. because maddie and danny both called it an alternate timeline by name, it splitting when the college incident went different, so it wouldnt have really mattered if he reset it, right. like because danny's timeline is on a different stream? why didnt clockwork just. show danny a replay and not Reset That Timeline. wh...I wonder how many people that Erased From Existence. Anyway! once again stating clockwork is casually terrifying!

[standarrow]

abbacchio essay under the cut because he’s so important to me (god this is so long im sorry i have adhd i hope this is readable<3)

tl;dr being on how i think he healed and handled up until part 5 :”) + thoughts on his relationship to the team

tw!!! for all of the usual things that pertain to his backstory including: [death, alcohol abuse, police, ptsd/depression, etc]

i may be projecting<3 its fine

to start:

im not a fan of the way a lot of people handle handle abbas trauma and illness. the "entering a relationship fixes your problems<3" shit. or the romanticization of depression...i see both a lot, along with utilizing his substance issues as like a catalyst. i dont have to say why that shit isnt ok or healthy.

getting into it (because i want it to be this deep):

there is ... a lot of guilt that he shoulders around the death of his partner. someone he was friends with (and relied on him as a literal partner) died because He fucked up. that person wanted to protect him and died selflessly while he'd broken his own morals and he feels like it should have been him to pay for it. 

but he wasnt. and now he suddenly has two mistakes and blood on his hands. getting fired doesnt even Begin to fix that, so he withdraws because he cant trust himself, cant trust the institution he was already disillusioned from, and imo hes angry that he didnt get punished worse for his own crimes (but cops always get off easy)

bruno finds him in the worst place of his life and gives him a chance to put schedule in his life, to protect even if its not in the way he originally thought he would. he still doesnt trust himself, i do not think he takes to working with a partner easily (what if he fucks up again. he'll get bruno/narancia/fugo killed.) and i think that reflects in why moody blues isnt meant for combat. combat = danger. 

obligatory moody blues being an allegory for his trauma and ptsd surrounding the death of his partner.. constantly haunted by his own mistake and reliving that moment. heavily referencing his wish to redo, to know every detail of that prick he let bribe him that killed his partner, to have Control. because abbacchio isnt really about The Moment -- he's making sure the Moment doesnt have a chance to come to fruition. its nipping it in the bud before the weed can kill. he wants to make sure he can figure out whats going on First and protect. to figure out past events and prevent future danger.

starting to heal:

i’ve done a timeline previously: he graduates high school in 1998, six months for the police academy, 6 months before hes out again.. joins passione in december (rainy season) of 1999, and by december of 2000 (~4 months before part 5) hes like.... well. doing better in terms of his alcoholism. we see abbacchio by part 5 occasionally and seemingly comfortably enjoying a glass or two, which speaks that after some time working hes sort gained some..... confidence in his ability to keep his intake low. 

working for bruno means he cant drink as often or binge as much, hes needed and that structure keeps him in check, its not easy and yes he slips but its about and overall upwards climb because any progress is good progress... he builds a rapport with the team, comes to appreciate brunos role in giving him a chance and some peace of mind, sees himself in fugo, treats narancia like a little brother. relationships with others cant Fix your problems but friendship and structure can help, they can be there when you need it.

hes starting to trust himself more. and his relationship to fugo and nara were as crucial as his one with bruno is.

in purple haze feedback we see that he's been teamed up with fugo, and he knows fugos stand ability very well (see mirror man fight)... they Get each other and abbacchio sees a lot of his anger and distrust at himself in fugo, and easily calms fugo down when he gets upset (see mirror man episode in the car) 

fugo helped him trust himself and others more .. that other people arent Fragile and arent going to die on him every time they get into danger and its not His fault. he relies on fugo and vice versa. the kid is powerful but also a smart tactician and extremely capable. they Get each other and it helps abbacchio trust himself in combat situations and helps calm his paranoia about getting someone killed while working ... and nara is just sunshine. hes an annoying little brother but it helps him retain normalcy. some sense of like. not everything is doom and gloom

his depression and general self? depreciation perhaps doesnt leave him because those kinds of thoughts mould your brain a certain way.. they dont just go away without some work. but perhaps time with bruno helps him start to realise his worth, the way the team appreciates him and his ability. his self consciousness can start to fall away a little bit. i think by the time december of 2000 (a year after his recruitment by my timeline) hes like... a lot more comfortable with the schedule of his life, it helps him get out of bed, gives his brain a structure to latch onto. the responsibility of overseeing the younger ones and helping bruno gives him the sort of hope for this original goal of wanting to protect

@ bruno (in a more romantic sense perhaps + why i think he distrusts giorno so much)

his relationship to bruno isnt fucking “godlike savior<3″ because thats.... needless to say Very unhealthy. 

their relationship doesnt reach a point by where i think Either would even want to enter a relationship until about a year in (~4 months before part 5 begins)... theres a certain uncertainty i think bruno has with wanting to help abbacchio, he respects and cares about the other man and canonically sees him as his senior.. and i think theres a certain wall there that bruno isnt sure he wants to try to knock down, meanwhile abbacchio isnt sure when he built those walls but theyre safe (and what happens if you try to reach out?)

i think they sort of fall into it and its not... planned. its a little impulsive but it feels natural and they help each other because bruno is this comfort to abba, is the reason he has this structure and has made this progress himself and hes not....crediting it all to bruno obviously but bruno did play a Large Role. and bruno is all about little white lies, appearances. Yes hes fine. Dont worry, he has things under control. 

and i think to an extent abbacchio knows of brunos softer spots (as does fugo, bc of the reason he and fugo team up as described in phf is to protect him) but abba doesnt realise to the extent that bruno is .... hiding his real fears. brunos a lot about compartmentalization (hi zippers) and being let into brunos internal... thoughts beyond the occasional worries he mightve shared is a big step for them. bruno buries a lot of his internal problems and worries. he has to. hes got to keep moving, keep working; people rely on him... but abbacchio is the person he doesnt feel like he needs to protect because theyre equals and maybe he can let someone in to shoulder his worries and vice versa. theyre partners.

which is why i think abbacchio initially distrusts giorno so much... its not tht he doesnt trust bruno, but bruno doesnt Tell him about this. he realizes he might not know all brunos fears (specifically @ his distate and hate towards the mafia i made the point about in the bruno isnt evil post where its like.. he Couldntve shared that information, otherwise he would endanger abbacchio)

and it scares him. it freaks him the fuck out because he doesnt understand who this kid is or why bruno trusts him so much but he trusts bruno so he goes with it, even if he doesnt Understand.

anyways thts my TEDtalk ty i love you for reading this if you got here<3

[tigerdrop]

Okay, I'm gonna adress the elephant in the room, ya all folks like to draw each other's Benrys hanging with their Benreys or doing nasty together so don't tell me some of you folks have not discussed or at least thought about a free for all Freeman gangbang with them all. (Gonna admit I make this sound so hardcore when in my mind they actually all play nice for Gordon just cuz they don't quite know if this Gordon has the same limits as "their" Gordon so they gotta make sure at first at least)

i got to thinking about this and your brain is very huge, and wrinkled, for this. here are those thoughts (also they ended up turning into “okay but what if HL gordon ended up in the hlvrai universe and cucked the unholy hell out of hlvrai gordon” at the end. please do not fucking observe me)

can u imagine. 3 gordons powertripping so hard over finally being able to overpower benrey that it sets off fucking geiger counters. and gordons not a weak guy as it is! hes strong enough to catch benrey in his arms when he jumps, so, 3 of him? Hello

c.an you imagine the- what if one or all of them just, yknow. let out a really nasty evil laugh a little bit. or more than a little. i mean. the sheer concentrated satisfaction 

"haha, oh man. you actually like this, dont you?"

benrey, flushed and sweating and hard as a rock: "uhhh, what? no,"

"okay. fine. say it again and we'll let you go."

benrey: (utter fucking silence while trying not to meet any of their eyes)

and. you know. double.....penetration......if anybody can take it its fuckin benrey. mans bein sandwiched between two gordons while a 3rd jerks off over him and fingerfucks his mouth? On Fucking God. if i didnt have like 3 art commissions i still gotta finish i would be dropping everything to draw this but for now you will just have to envision it yourself. minds eye

but also another vaguely-related thought i had was: HL gordon cucking hlvrai gordon. okay, goodbye 

all of that effortless, silent confidence.......hlvrai gordon seeing how its winning benrey over (and, you know, the later HEV suits being a lot more visually flattering than HL1 gordons not helping matters) and being insanely fucking jealous for reasons he does not want to interrogate 

but like......what the hell can he do about it without admitting that he feels jealous that benreys clearly attracted to this version of him that, in his eyes, is like, better in every possible way? thats fuckin embarrassing, man. so instead he just sits there stewing in it and making it incredibly obvious to everyone (except benrey, who is not terribly perceptive of "feelings") that hes jealous 

and the whole time benreys fuckin thought process is just "two cakes! except one of them gets mad when i say his ass looks nice and the other one doesnt". and if hlvrai gordons not interested, then, well, whats the problem? b/c hes not interested, right. he doesnt care if benreys makin eyes at HL gordon, right 

at the same time, consider: hlvrai gordon bitching out loud about how unfair it is that this alternate universe version of him is so capable and intelligent and cool and collected and his fucking cheekbones, man, and its not fair how much more flattering his HEV suit and his haircut are and-- and bubby interrupts him like "for gods sake, do you want to fuck him?"

anyway all im getting at is that what i really want in life is for hlvrai gordon to be watching benrey and HL gordon make out and fuck and just be seething from how fucking turned on he is by it 

[[rubs my damn temples thinking about how i also feel like HL gordon wouldnt exactly think the world of himself either he just does what he has to do and is really reserved about it, so if someone told him all of that shit about how hot he is he would be almost just as flustered and confused]]

he doesnt fully understand why benrey is hitting on him so hes like flushed and a little embarrassed by it but hes so much more receptive to it than hlvrai gordon is b/c they dont have that antagonistic history........

and. you know. benrey does kind of look like barney. lil bit of feelings-transferral there, too

thinking HL gordon is just as interested in the novelty of benrey being so much more uninhibited than his universes' version of barney. it's jarring at first but. u know

thinks about. HL gordon railing him into the fucking ground and benreys getting Loud and he starts saying gordons name out loud but the whole time hes doing it hes got his head turned to look straight at hlvrai gordon. direct eye contact

you just know this motherfucker is thinking about hlvrai gordon joining in and fucking him just like that but he doesnt. he cant bring himself to move b/c this already feels like an insanely weird situation. just sits there feeling frustrated and horny but not even sure if he should be jerking off right now, even though they literally asked him if he wanted to watch and he sure as shit didnt walk away

does he want to the one fucking benrey right now? does he want to be the one getting fucked by HL gordon??? who knows!!! he doesnt, and he is so very pissed off about it.  if he just got over himself and talked about even just one of his feelings, maybe he could be getting both of these things right now! but you know. hes stubborn

i also had more thoughts about HL gordon/hlvrai gordon stuff but i will save those for a later post i think. this is already embarrassing enough as-is

[bloodycassian]

Sea Dreams - Nessian fic

slight ACOSF spoilers, self harm/suicide mention - angst, longing 

Nesta is a snarling beast of a Fae. If Feyre thought she was bad as a mortal sister, her Fae tolerance and stamina - mixed with her already overdeveloped hard headedness -  made it a thousand times worse.

“Rhys will have no problem winowing you to whatever mountain you want if you’d like to kill yourself a bit faster” Feyre said cooly - practiced and tempered. She had gone over this before her sister had come to visit. Amren smiled smugly from the corner, sipping from her goblet of wine. The scent made Nesta’s mind flash to her favorite bars, the numbing memory of music vibrating under her feet and deafening her mind. 

Nesta’s stomach was fiery with rage - and wine. The combination was not friendly. The wine was filling her muscles as she tensed. How dare they speak of threats to her - to practice them as if to judge what would make the most impact. Killing herself? Was that really the best Amren came up with? “Sorry to disappoint, sister-” She spat the word. What kind pity party did Feyre think she was putting on here? “but I haven’t had my fill of disappointing you yet.” She turned and strode to the arched doorway. It slammed shut with a clap before she could reach the escape. Nesta closed her eyes and took a breath before facing her once friends again.

Amren was standing, arms at her sides, fists balled and eyes blazing with fury. “You’re not just a disappointment to your sister, girl-” Amren sneered at her, glowering even more at Nesta’s half drunk grin. Feyre held her head in her hands, likely wondering how to get her sister back. “You’re a-” Before she could finish with some kind of threat or insult, the door was shoved open abruptly. 

Cassian walked in on what looked like an almost fight. Nesta swayed but turned to look at him. Amren didnt take her eyes off Nesta. “I heard the door and-” He began to apologize for interrupting but it looked like it was needed. Cassian knew enough about Nesta’s drinking problem that it only ever ended in her passing out or drinking into the next day. 

His heart ached for her. Seeing her like this, especially with her doing it to herself of her own accord was maddening. The guilt rode him, kept him awake some nights just to make sure a barkeep didnt try anything with her. He watched over her most nights in the first month, but after Rhys had to wake him up by shouting in his mind he was ordered to stop and leave her be.

“She will work it out in her own time” Elain had promised Cassian after he collapsed on a couch in the river side manor one day. “The only thing she’s working out is our money, and quickly.” Amren muttered from the other side of the room. She was right, Nesta’s self destruction was nothing that she was fixing by going on a bender. 

Cassian snapped back to the present as Nesta turned and glanced at his face before looking down.

“It’s fine, Amren was about to suggest a wine to me anyway.” Nesta wobbled her way over to Cassian, leaving Amren’s arms reach. Feyre’s head snapped up and looked to Cassian’s gentle - sympathetic eyes. She gave him a nod towards Nesta as she slid by him, out the door. 

“Dont try to fight her while she’s drunk. It will only end up with her vomiting or punching.” Cassian offered his advice with a glum smile. It didnt help his feeling of hopelessness as he turned to follow Nesta. 

“So were you planning on sleeping on the Sidra bridge tonight or an alleyway a block away from your apartment again?” He challenged her once he caught up. She was nearly to the front door surprisingly. Feyre’s paintings flashed by him, tinted in blue with the glow of the moon shining in.

“I dont need your shit Cassian.” She said, her voice emotionless. She flung the door open, the cool night air brisk against Cassian’s face and wings. Winter was coming in quickly, and the chill off the mountains sweeping into Velaris reminded him of soaring high above the illyrian mountains. His wings flared slightly, ready for flight. 

The thought was gone in an instant as Nesta paused before the steps of the house, as if contemplating. Cold air always sobered him up too. “Seems like you need a lift though.” He said gently, offering her his hand. She debated silently to herself. Would this be considered weak if he had offered? She glanced between his eyes, and his outstretched hand. No mocking or lingering joke was to be found on his dark features. She let out a long breath and placed her hand in his. 

And she was gone. Her stomach left below her as Cassian hurled her into his arms and took off with her, the air biting into her skin. She was sure all of Velaris heard her short scream of surprise. Her hair whipped around her as Cass adjusted to begin flying - not towards her apartment...but towards the house of wind. “Where are you taking me?” She asked breathlessly. She could see the entire city from this high. The wending river a dark ribbon separating the town.

“You’ll see, just stay warm.” He winked at her. She begrudgingly tucked her arms inwards, her hands folding on her legs that he cradled more gently than she though he would be capable of, considering how warrior-god like he was most of the time. She glanced down yet again, the lights of Velaris quickly disappeared from view.

+

Cassian knew that there was no way that she was still warm, up this high and flying as fast as he was. He wanted to get to outlook as quickly as possible for a myriad of reasons. The main one being deciding that maybe falling from a height was better than drinking herself to death. But she seemed...content in his arms. He tried to pull her closer, to share some of his extra warmth but he could tell she was holding her teeth clamped shut to keep from chattering.

“We’re almost there.” He promised, nodding forward. He could smell the fresh salty mist before he could hear it, and the sound made him smile. The wind wasn’t so bad tonight, from what he could tell. His wings weren’t fighting against the normal hurricane like wind that the sea air brought in. 

Cassian set her down slowly, letting her acclimate to standing again. He told himself his lingering hand on her lower back was to make sure she wasn’t going to drunkenly stumble over the cliff they stood upon. 

She admired the small grassy area quickly, then her focus shifted to the sea. Her lips pursed and she looked to her feet, her eyebrows scrunching. They were surrounded with the sounds of the ocean crashing and the whisper of the grass around them swaying and that was it. He hoped it was enough. Knowing it wasn’t the same as some of her packed drinking venues with cards and live music, he doubted it would be for her. He craved her approval. He cleared his throat, tucking his wings in tight to his back. He was nervous, he realized. 

This place was sort of sacred to him. Bringing her here was… vulnerable. He was a warrior but put his heart out for her to mangle at every chance possible it seemed. Sometimes he didnt know why. 

Cassian could see her cheeks were flushed red. Either from the biting cold or embarrassment, he didnt know.  “This is better than the bridges in Velaris, I suppose.” She joked lightly, pulling her hair back and untangling a few knots. Without a thought Cassian took his hair tie out, offering it to her. 

“This will help… for when we fly back.” He nodded for her to take it. His hair was shorter, and a lot easier to untangle. He would hate for her to have to cut any of hers out because he kidnapped her here. He cursed himself for choosing now to bring her to this spot. He didnt know if she would ridicule him for having such a place for himself. 

She paused before taking it, eyeing him suspiciously. When she finally accepted his offer, Cassian’s heart leapt. Maybe even a miniscule action as this meant there was some hope for her. “I like to come here when Rhys and Az are being...too much sometimes. When everything is too much.” He said, looking out towards the rocky shore below them. The tall islands of rocks sticking out from the breaking waves shone like faint beacons among the black sea. 

She stared at him, in shock. Nesta’s gaze was piercing, boring into his eyes as if she suspected him of something. Cassian stared right back at her. “Do you come here a lot?” She asked, choosing her words carefully. 

“It depends what you would consider a lot. Not as often as you visit those bars, no.” If she wanted to test him he would do it back. 

She scowled, turning away from him to face the water. “If you brought me here to ridicule me, dont bother. My sisters are already taking care of it.” The truth of the words stung, but Nesta was used to the feeling. Knowing your own truth made you impervious to other people throwing it back at you. The waves far below them crashed against the rock. Or perhaps against eachother. The white peaks in the bay below churning and rising, pushing and pulling each other endlessly. 

Cassian stepped to her side, his feet silent on the soft grass under their feet. Despite his size and warrior title, he was stealthy when he wanted to be. “I brought you out here for.. Silence I suppose.” His eyes shone in the moonlight, full of hope. Burning, pleading hope for the one he stood next to. Nesta leaned into him slightly, unconsciously. She told herself it was the wine making her sway. “It seems like you’re never getting much of it lately. I didnt know where I was going really until we were halfway here.” He stole a sidelong glance at her, her face gave away nothing. That wall was up, and not going anywhere anytime soon. 

Anger burned hot in his chest. He wanted to shake her, to throttle her and scare her until she felt the same fear he felt for her. On her behalf. He stilled himself, breathing deeply. Then he let himself fall to to the ground, staring up at the unobscured stars. She could walk back for all he cared. He knew he was lying to himself. She was locked in place, determined not to give him the attention him laying down called for. 

The stars glinted brightly despite the strength of the moon this night. Not as good as a night with no moon, but still better than Velaris. Nesta shivered as the wind brought a splash of ocean mist up from the bay. She let her statuesque form move finally, the cold too much to bear. Slowly, as if she was unfreezing each muscle, she followed him down to the ground. 

And it nearly took her breath away. The sight of so many stars was… impossible. Was there some solar event going on? She found herself agape in awe at the tiny lights shining for them. Nesta briefly tried to think back on the last time she had even looked at the sky, not to mention now with her better Fae sight. Something in her chest caught and she feigned a cough. 

Cassian could have fallen asleep there, would have loved nothing more than to be able to with her. He didnt have a doubt she would wake him up if he did fall asleep. His hair tickled his face, and he brushed it back. The moon was beginning to could, sea air making the area foggier.

Nesta shivered beside him. “I should have brought a blanket, I apologize.” Cassian sat up on his elbows. And immediately was struck at the sight of silent tears rolling down Nesta’s cheeks. She was not shivering, her chest was holding in the sobs. Like an animal tearing at its cage. He didnt know if he should look away. 

“It’s fine. We can go.” She said quickly, her voice quivering. She sat up and wiped her face. “If you’d be so kind to take me back.” There it was, that beast inside fighting back again. He sighed, pushing his way up from the ground. 

Cassian felt his chest caving in. The sight of her gaunt, and still fighting him. “Nes-”

“I said we can go now.” She snapped, wrapping her arms around herself. 

He ground his teeth together, knowing that pushing her was not the best option. He should heed his own advice to Feyre and Amren. “Right this way.” He ground, holding his arms open for her.

She wrapped her arm around his neck and they both pretended not to notice Nesta’s silent tears as they left Cassian’s point above the sea. She told herself it was because of the wind. 

She nodded off at some point, a mix of the crying and the wine making her exhausted. Cassian’s warmth and gentle arms around her lulling her into a stupor of relaxation she hadn’t known for quite some time. Not since their family’s cabin. The nightmares since the Cauldron keeping her up nightly. Possibly not even as well as in their shared bed at the cabin, with hunger pains keeping her awake at night.

Cassian took his time bringing Nesta to her room in the house of wind. He cradled her head to his chest, the soft scent of her hair was one of the most relaxing smells he had ever encountered. Every door opened on his way to her bed. He laid the thick comforter over her limp body. Her gentle face turned angry once she left his arms. His chest ached again.

“It’s going to be okay, Nes. I promise.” slight pressure on her hair accompanied the words.

The actions were so faint in her it could have been a dream. Her first good dream in a long time.

[divine-draws]

okay i had a whole google doc that i wrote a buncha shit but imma try to CONDENSE it and make my ideas more clear bc there was some wishy washy in there. BUT dabihawks ice skating au bc im gay for that shit. all of it under the cut bc this shit is gunna get LONG. buckle in fuckers. ALSO FEEL FREE TO ASK ME ABOUT this i will be happy to answer shit :3c

SO fair warning before we begin. i know shit about ice sports. im like 1) not THAT educated nor have i legit participated though ive always wanted to and 2) this is just self indulgent so like if i dont get shit right or whatever dont come at me bro. im here to have FUN and live a bit vicariously. also as for location of all this shit i dont know and dont care and am american so my perspective on things are skewed. anyway cw: abuse mention

so dabi (touya) is a previous figure skater

he’s a figure skating prodigy 

enji was a pro hockey player (id say figure skating but this man was BUILT like a brick shithouse idk man) has a lot of championships under his belt but doesnt even begin to touch the legacy of his one sided rival yagi toshinori

him and rei meet and marry at a young age. she like.. actually liked him then?? shit was kinda okay but things kinda.... got bad quick. the abuse etc was ... yeah. she ends up having dabi and fuyumi (they’re twins babeyy) at a young age too and kinda doesnt feel like she can get out of her horrible marriage 

we wont dwell too much on the bad part of all of this though. anyway rei was a figure skater

p well known and known for her fucking GRACE god she moved so well on the ice.

she was so beautiful and spoke through her movements and enji loved that... and so as a hockey player and with a (now previous) figure skater wife he was like aight my kids WILL take up an ice sport and be the FUCKING BEST

dabi isnt made for hockey. enji tries to get him into it but it’s... nah... fuyumi isnt the best with figure skating. she’s good!! and her and dabi do some pair skating when they’re younger but it’s.. hm. dabi is the one with the clear talent here. (fuyumi is a beast on the ice when it comes to hockey though. will dominate. but she kinda... didnt really continue with it)

enji isnt PLEASED that his son isnt gunna be a hockey player but he still values figure skating and will fucking make sure he’s the BEST at it. and so the brutal training starts. he gets some good coaches and also takes up the coaching mantle 

the thing is.. rei was amazing as a skater but her body just... wasnt really made for all of that??? and dabi unfortunately kinda inherited that. his body hates the impacts and such. he’s amazing at figure skating. he has a grace similar to his mothers but there’s something more fierce to him. 

and honestly !!! he gets far!!

also natsuo comes around. he’s a bit too clumsy for either sport and resents the fact that him and fuyumi are neglected by their father. he also loves touya and gets so pissed seeing his brother so hurt

and shouto is born and this kid was made to be on the ice. he’s skating from the moment he can fucking stand on his own.

obvs enji’s attention is split but it’s mainly on touya who is winning championships and GOING places but it’s still not good enough

anyway idk how far he goes?? but it’s the biggest competition yet and on ice mid routine he lands wrong

one thing leads to the next and he’s pretty much medically retired from a young age. he can skate. he can still kinda preform but he cant do what he used to at ALL and he cant keep up with the brutal pace enji sets. there’s a lot of trying to push him still and it’s just.. not happening

for all it’s worth dabi is kinda glad he isnt doing it anymore. but he fears for his babies brother. shouto is a natural and while yes being a professional athlete of any sort is brutal on your body, his body is a lot more capable

but like touya before, shouto is pushed to his absolute limits. bleeding and injuries and puking his guts out from being pushed too far

there’s a lotta resentment but he still pushes through w skating. 

(side note but there DEF is some todomido/tododeku w hockey player izuku who ends up being coached by THE yagi toshinori and who helps shouto out w making shit his own)

anyway so in the end dabi ends up working at a rink tho lol

it’s p much owned by shigarai and run by the lov (who in this au end up making their own little ragtag unofficial local hockey team p much and play games against other teams like them)

despite his father’s whole career, dabi does enjoy playing hockey with these dipshits

but yeah he enjoys his time working at the rink, fucking around and sleeping in random places and sometimes running the zamboni

he’s also best frenemies with shigaraki. they get along and both deal with a shitty upbringing and despite some slight animosity they both would kill if someone fucked w the other 

(also at some point dabi DEF teaches some little kid classes lol)

also dabi does sometimes skate his own routines from time to time. only when he’s alone really. though fuyumi has a pass to be there though he will gripe still

SO HAWKS AM I RIGHT??

now there is a couple ways to go with this and somewhere in me there is an au with hockey player hawks who takes skating lessons from figure skater dabi BUT

i think for this au we’ll just say he was a figure skater from the get go

i think he WANTED to do hockey as a kid. like shouto he’s also a fucking natural and was skating as soon as he could fucking stand and walk. and he looked up to enji and kinda wanted to take up hockey but 

listen,,, trans hawks. who wanted to be like todoroki enji and be a pro hockey player. shit just.. didnt work like that though and besides he’s a tiny dude and god he’d be fucking obliterated 

he kinda is self taught and the ice is his escape from his shitty home life

idk how this works but listen gotta tie in the commission somehow???

he’s scouted or whatever for figure skating at a very young age and his mom is happy to take the heavy scholarships and happy to sign him over to skate for these ppl and have them push him to be The Best

and this kid is FAST. he’s fast and is insane with his jumps and stg it almost looks like he’s FLYING (which gets him the nickname hawks)

the coaches are brutal and shit sucks and a lot of the time it kinda sucks the life out of the sport but he still enjoys it

he has a love for outfits that legit have flare to them (also im thinking of johnny weir’s one outfit w the feathers but yknow instead of white they are RED) and while he does do routines to boring ass music he mainly likes doing shit different (also dabi was p much forced the whole time to do shit to that boring ass music but on his own he’d use his own music taste to skate to)

and he’s good!! he GOES places. he’s like makes it to the olympics at a young age and is one of THE youngest gold medalists for figure skating

im sure somewhere along the line him and dabi DID meet. it was at some competition and hawks was VIBRATING bc there’s ENJI and he wants and autograph and oH GOD IS THAT HIS SON??? he’s HOT. (and at this time dabi still had his red hair and like no piercings and what little ones he had they were out but this dumbass will not recognize him later on)

but god he needs to chill TF out or he will fuck up in the competition 

he hears about dabi’s whole accident and like feels for him but again it’s not like they were friends. there was more of a slight rivalry and they barely spoke if they did

but so idk like.. between seasons hawks finds himself going like nearly every day to this rink.. aka shigaraki’s rink (also sidenote but lbr it’s really run by shirakumo who kinda has to fucking herd the cats w this group)

as frenemies dabi and shigaraki share their distaste for some of these pro athletes (tho some get a pass) and kinda complain about hawks a bit tho like..... shigaraki cant complain TOO much bc of the money from hawks renting out the rink for a few hours almost every day

dabi is too gay for this shit when he actually sees hawks in action. rip him 

tbh they dont really interact tho (besides dabi telling him to gtfo the rink or he’ll run him over with the zamboni) until one day that hawks catches dabi skating

he was done and should have been gone but he forgot something on the bleachers and then he sees dabi and.. oh boy he’s GAY AF

and also dabi is RLLY GOOD???

and so hawks makes a FOOL of himself and startles the poor guy and p much presses all the wrong buttons w asking why he doesnt compete or something

and i mean im sure they had some SLIGHT progress w talking before. nothing significant but god the walls go RIGHT THE FUCK UP and dabi is pissed

tbh dabi was gunna get to the point where he LEGIT talked to him and maybe lowkey asked him out (he says this but shigaraki calls his bluff) and now there is no way. he storms off and tries to avoid him so hard

and hawks tries to corner him a bit but after some time he does manage to corner him and be like pls just let me take you out to dinner to make up for that shit????

aaand dabi accepts bc listen okay he cant say no to free food ??? like he’s kinda pissy w this guy but also.. listen he has EYES 

anywayyy p much this just leads to them dating

hawks DEF looks him up and watches all the vids of him and like the idiot he is realizes that he met him before ( “oh my GOD i know you” “uh… we’re dating i hope u know me?????”  “nO I MEAN WE MET AT (insert comp)”)

but before that dabi did like tell him some shit. mainly about like how he used to skate blah blah and the whole thing that ended all of that

he doesnt really delve too deep into like his shitty childhood until well later

idk what leads to it but the convo finally comes up and it’s so draining for dabi and hawks is horrified and ready to fight his dad (“listen i just sharpened my skates i’ll just-”)

anyway some side things bc this is long and i will answer questions on this tho

rumi is a women’s pro hockey player and fuyumi who actually follows hockey and shit has the BIGGEST crush on her (they end up together)

also natsuo comes to see one of the leagues games (he hasnt really seen them play tbh?? he hears about it from dabi but he lives like at least a few hours away on campus and is going for med school so rip him) and like he meets shigaraki and anyway dabi is losing his FUCKING MIND bc his best frenemy/boss and his younger brother are FLIRTING. RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM???

dabi and hawks are really gay together and have skated together by this point and made out on ice a few times and shigaraki was miserable and is like “NOW U KNOW!!” and dabi is pissed bc “yEAH BUT THAT”S MY LITTLE BROTHER??? IT”S NOt thE SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” 

[txthots]

An estimation and analysis of Yeonjun’s chart

-virgo sun, scorpio moon- [See this is why it took me so long to get his chart out- Personally i think that he also exhibits some libra moon sign traits too in the way he comforts those he cares about (ex; the time beomgyu cried and he was the first one to come and comfort him). But in order for me to get his rising sign to be aquarius the time had to match up accordingly, but I also do see him having a scorio moon, too (i have a scorpio moon i feel like we share a lot of the same feelings). plus his moon is riiiggghhtt there next to libra, like one degree away so really with the time i feel like we can take both moon signs into considerations. After all, this is just an estimation!]

okay so. virgo sun males? greedy in bed. same for libra sun males, but the thing is, virgo suns tend to be more apparent about it; they’re picky as shit too. with his sun in virgo and his moon in either scorpio or libra (for the sake of convenience let’s just agree that he’s a scorpio moon) he is most likeluy a fuckboy. Probably got his feelings hurt once and just be getting his dick wet left and right, and then be like “oh that one girl in like the 8th grade really messed me up bro.” sike fkajrgsrrjkn probably not to that extent. We dont know if he really is one by just looking at his birth chart, but just know that the fuckboy potential is there! Scorpio moons are also very intense in bed, and then virgo suns are just into that kinky shit. these two together.... whew the DRIVE on this boy. wait till i get to talking about his venus.

-aquarius rising. I feel like he has an aquarius rising because of his sense of style and the way he carries himself. He’s got some kind of cocky air about him(not in a bad way, he just knows who he is and he’s confident in himself and his abilities). Not in the same way as like, say a leo rising would, but it a more subtle and less loud way. For example, in their first showcase that they were doing in america, the rest of the members were freaking out because it was one of their first real performances as a group... but all Yeonjun kept saying was “We’ll do good. Don’t worry.” cool as a cucumber. Confident. sexy.

that being said he’s confident in his abilities and he’s got this ambition that doesn’t seem to quit so. like i said his DRIVE. hes probably got stamina for DAYS, dog. But just be aware that aquariuans (or at least, most aquarians I know) have this complication with wanting to be loved and having attention/wanting a LOT of space. The ones I have experience with generally don’t like to show much affection and are very shy with it, so if you’re looking for aftercare then you’d probably have to initiate it and he’d probably be awkward with it and kwEKJFS WAIT TILL I GET TO HIS VENUS IM GOING TO GO INTO DETAIL MORE ABOUT THIS OKAY

-mercury in virgo. Oh god lol. If he don’t like something you will surely hear about it. But i don’t think he’s the type to nitpick at something youre self conscious about, just things he knows that you can easily fix within five minutes. my mom is a mercury in virgo. just know that if you do something weird in bed he will call you out on it when you two are alone and when he wants an upper hand... “you say im weird but you did that thing with your feet like 2 nights ago what the fuck was that? Yeah? That’s what i thought shut up.” Also. Puts you in your place. sharp with his words and says all the right things. Probably into dirty talk and will definitely be the one to initiate something kinky between you two. His mercury is also in the 7th house, so he definitely like’s hearing his partner’s feedback!!! Very important to him.

-Venus in leo. venus square saturn. And venus in the 7th house..... LORD. okay. SO venus in leo is definitely a great place to have your venus in!! Leo venuses can go all out for their lovers, give big and grand displays of affection, and be super attentive and genuine. definitely one of my favorite venus placements. these are the type of people who will go all out for their partner, most likely are more into giving than receiving, and just LOVE to take their time with their partner.... HOWEVER. his venus is square his saturn.......... LISTEN. lISTEn. I’ve dated a person who has their venus in leo but their venus was square saturn, just like Yeonjun’s. All i can say is that sex was amazing. Very intense, very pleasurable, it felt very genuine, and then it was kinky as all hell and the STAMINA. I was edged MULTIPLE times, and i think the longest time we went on was about 4-5 hours(you have to take into account that this person has different placements as yeonjun though, so other factors could probably come into play with that being said). felt like i was on cloud nine most of the time and i’d finish overstimulated and shaking and sweaty. BUT it was a VERY off and on thing. people with venus square saturn on their natal charts tend to be very closed off with their romantic feelings and their relationships in general. It doesn’t mean that they’re incapable of love, because they definitely are capable! it’s just that it’s very hard for them to continue expressing it without feeling uncomfortable. for example, do you guys remember that one time where txt were in new york, and all the fans crowded around them and showed them a lot of love? It seemed that all the other members were amazed by it, and of course him receiving that kind of love can give him a warm feeling but it can also make him very uncomfortable. He looked like he wanted to get out there real quick and i noticed that he wasn’t saying a lot... I felt that he liked it, but he wasnt in the condition to project how he felt! But of course our yeonjun has moments where he is very flirtatious and loyal to MOA (just as a leo venus would) and truly does love them, so that kind of balance is something that he has to work out in his saturn return.

-sag mars, mars conjunct pluto, mars in the 10th house. FIrey sex, literally. Sagittarius is a fire sign and they just know how to take charge. ho god, his future partner is going to be so lucky. takes the lead, is spontaneous, overall just sexy. He’s also so confident to begin with, and on top of that he’s got his mars conjunct pluto, so he’s intense, he’s passionate, and he’s got this inner strength (both physical and inner strength). he will break you. period. Both pluto and mars being rulers of scorpio, there’s a very scorpio feeling about his sexual nature and dare i say....... yeonjun is mf hung................... anyway his mars being in the 10th house, he knows he is passionate and he wants to be recognized for it. But he can get carried away, and he needs to work on balance (for example, he needs to show you he loves you with ways other than his dick!).

oh god, my head hurts. Okay

-jupiter in taurus in retrograde, in the 2nd house. Puts high value in money, food, and good sex. If you can’t put it down right he might just be gone lol. definitely an ass man. again, he has a tendency to take things to excess and needs to find a good balance.

-saturn in retrograde in the 3rd house in taurus. this just further perpetuates the idea that has a hard time expressing himself. don’t expect him to get all loveyy dovey lol. If he has a one night stand dont expect any kissing or cuddling after lol

-uranus in aquarius, conjunct his ascendant, in retrograde and in the first house. I think this makes him uranus dominant and aquarius dominant? wild when he dont care about people he really just dont care. Idk how else to put it. anyway for one, this makes him has a rebel attitude. He probably gets off on the fact that like, your parents or your best friend dont like him lol. has a bit of a 4d personality, and AGAIN, another aspect that further perpetuates that he cannot fully express himself. i feel so sorry for this man because i have a 3rd house stellium..... could not be me.

-jupiter and moon square neptune, neptune in retrograde, neptune in the 1st house in aquarius. highly in tune with your feelings. Perceptive and sympathetic. He knows what makes you feel good without you even having to say it. You could bring something up that you really liked that he did last night and he would be like “yeah, I noticed i should probably do that more often.” very creative in bed too.

-neptune, ascendant, and uranus sextile pluto, pluto in the 10th house, pluto in sag. a bit of a control freak lol.  sex is probably a spiritual thing for him or something. definitely a dom, idk why i didnt say that earlier because so many things on this dudes chart screams dom. his power... this dude is literally so transformative. im serious. You know that song.... i feel like a whole.... brand... new.. bitch....... thats you after one night with yeonjun sfiuhewhK. also a crative genius in every aspect. incredibly ambitious

-lilith in sag, lilith in retrograde, lilith in the 10th house. Likes foreign partners. prolly got a hoe in every state, county, country, he been to ngl. his karmic duty is to have more faith in others and trust a little better. again, a bit of a rebel