#anyways I need 2 shower and also am getting tired of my cat screaming at me so post over bye bye

[arolesbianism]

I just realised that unit swap Ena doesn't actually have any friends outside of 25ji. Quick someone throw a sekai character at me to arbitrarily make her become friends with /j

[dorkery]

Okay i want to take some time here to moan like a bitch because I am going to EXPLODE

1. Parents have been asking me to volunteer sew PPE clothing for Covid-19 front liners. I have no objections.

2. Dad puts me in touch with a specific lady. I contact her. Lady explains the initiative badly and just adds me to the WhatsApp group. I have no idea what the fuck. I'm just told there is a briefing at a mall (BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO???? JUST SEND ME THE FUCKING MATERIALS AND LET ME SEW AT HOME????)

3. Dad checks in to see if I have contacted her. I said I have. At this juncture, I also message the lady again and ask her if she can accommodate my request to sew at home and for a video demonstration. She says maybe.

4. Dad wanders by later, tells me the Malaysian director of health (our surgeon-general) has indicated a PPE shortage. I tell him I've already contacted her, note that I've started to become annoyed.

5. Nobody explains a fucking thing to me. In the WhatsApp group, I straight up just say look will someone tell me what is happening? I'm a first time volunteer I don't know a goddamn thing.

6. WOW COULDN'T YOU HAVE JUST SHARED THIS INTRODUCTORY MESSAGE FROM THE FUCKING START???????

7. WOW SHE'S JUST IGNORING MY REQUEST FOR A VIDEO AND NOW I HAVE TO GO ACROSS THE FUCKING STATE TO SHAH ALAM TO GO TO THIS STUPID MALL TO SEW.

8. Dad tells me to stop complaining and to be 'sincere' in volunteering.

9. It's Tuesday. I tell him I'll go to the fucking mall on Saturday.

10. He proceeds to ask me, EVERY DAY, why I don't just go NOW. I tell him because I chose Saturday. He's unhappy.

11. He complains to my mother. Now I'm openly rude to my dad in front of her (If YOU are so eager to go tomorrow, then YOU can volunteer sew. I want to go on SATURDAY). No one is happy. Especially me.

12. I go to the mall on Saturday. She's asked everyone to gather at 11. I fucking know Malay people and Malaysian time. I tell my hovering father there's no need to be punctual. We get there around 11.05 or 11.10 anyway.

13. The organiser arrives at fucking 12. Can you imagine how fucking furious I am already.

14. The sewing machine they have me use is an old industrial model WHICH I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WORK. Like, how do I thread the needle??? How do I fix the bobbin???? How do I backstitch?????? Not to mention every time I sew, the thread escapes the needle and the bobbin thread straight up tangles.

15. I am straight up not having a good time.

16. Lady is obnoxious and condescending when i say I'm not used to the machine. "ohhh just be gentle with it, it's so easy to use!!!!" bitch this is a fucking Toyota from 2001 and I use a 2019 brothers machine, you're asking a digital native to identify VHS player

17. I take 3 (T H R E E) FUCKING HOURS TO SEW ONE PPE OUTFIT BECAUSE I AM FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY AND FIGHTING THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT MACHINE

18. Dad realises I'm holding myself back from screaming at people and being a rude POS. He goes on to chat with them (why the fuck are you even here dad) and I viciously refuse lunch to work through this fucking PPE. (Refusing food in Malay culture is a slap in the face)

19. It took me 3 hours of silently screaming to finally understand the fucking sewing machine because this Lady has no sense of organisation. I sew my second PPE outfit in less than 25 mins. My dad's like??????? And I'm fuming like, I want to use my own fucking machine.

20. We quickly leave with materials for me to sew at home (15 PPE). I am DONE sewing for the day.

21. Next day I sew all the shoulders only. I think the materials have mites on them bc I'm fucking itching like crazy and had to take a shower halfway and then bug spray my workspace. Dad had the gall to suggest my cats (who started playing around the materials - jesus christ if you're not going to be sewing then you can at least move the cats away right???? I'm BUSY) maybe the ones who caused it but Im like HELLO?????? YOU SNUGGLE OUR CATS EVERY DAY??????? WHEN HAVE YOU SCRATCHED?????? MY CATS SLEEP ON MY FUCKING BED AND YET MY JAMMIES AND BEDSHEETS ARE MITE-FREE WHAT DO YOU THINK???????? and he's like oh

22. Next day, I sew all the sleeves. This gave me the most problems on Saturday but at home this is a breeze. It takes me most of the day. I am starting to get sick of sewing these things. During a break when I'm just going through a message, my dad wanders in and asks me if the seamstress is done for the day. I flatten the urge to tell him to fuck off.

23. I have to make lunch on top of sew and I'm tired. Now I have to sew the neckline and i am discovering quickly this is the worst part of sewing the fucking PPE and I eventually resort to pinning everything in place for the first time. Lady contacts me and asks me on progress. I tell her I just have the string left. She asks me if I want to finish up at the mall. I say NO. I WANT TO SEW AT HOME WITH MY OWN MACHINE. she senses I am not a friendly person.

24. This morning I came down after the usual bout of restless sleep. Dad asks me when I can finish bc Lady had contacted him already. My mood plummets immediately. I started sewing the waist ties as noisily and angrily as possible. Bundle done, I pass everything to him. He meekly asks me if I want a second batch to sew. I say FINE.

YO, AS A VOLUNTEER????? STOP BREATHING DOWN MY FUCKING NECK??????????? THIS THING IS NOT A PLEASANT THING TO SEW???????? AND I AM LITERALLY THE ONE SEWING IT

I AM NOT A FUCKING SEWING MACHINE AND THIS IS NOT MY JOB???? I HAVE OTHER THINGS I WANT TO DO AND I LITERALLY CANNOT DO IT BECAUSE I AM VOLUNTEERING MY TIME, ENERGY AND MENTAL *STRENGTH* TO COMMIT TO THIS

GIVE ME FUCKING ROOM TO BREATHE BECAUSE I AM HATING EVERY MOMENT OF THIS AND YET I AM DOING IT ANYWAY

AND ANOTHER THING!!!!

25. I have been telling my parents NOT to share pics or tell people I am sewing PPE. DON'T FUCKING DO IT????? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST RESPECT THIS ONE FUCKING REQUEST????? STOP USING ME TO WIN RESPECTABILITY, I DON'T WANT ATTENTION AND I ESPECIALLY DON'T WANT THE FUCKING EMPTY PRAISE OKAY???????? JESUS CHRIST

[a-milky-strawberry]

Suga x Reader - Cold (2) (Angst/Slight Fluff)

It’s been years since you were discharged from the hospital. The doctor had put you in a therapy program. You were required to meet with a man 3 times a week to discuss your “condition”.Due to the fact you didn’t go to half of them, you now had to have the sessions in your own personal home. Whoopee! At the time your parents were so anxious and frustrated over you that you felt you couldn’t even take a shit without them trying to break down the bathroom door. The last straw was when they told you (not asked you, told you) that they were going to take the hinges off of every door in the house, not including the front or back door. Yep, that meant the bathroom, your room, their room, closets, etc.. You moved out 2 days later. You had found a nice, small apartment that was cheap to the point of being suspicious. There was no kitchen, 1 bathroom, and your living area and bedroom were connected. The only thing you had remotely close to a kitchen was a mini fridge and a hot plate. It was kinda like a studio only smaller.

You weren’t going to do anything stupid with moving out and plus you hadn’t done much of anything since you got discharged. In fact, you had taken temporary leave from school and they understood once word got around about your accident. However, the pity in their eyes made you wanna vomit. You didn’t need their pity, their “how are you feeling today”’s, or the burdensome help. You just wanted to be left the hell alone. Was that really too much to ask? With the money you were saving for grad school you instead used it to get said tiny studio in Jeonju. The tenants were primarily old people but they were nice and it was always quiet. Sometimes you’d joke to yourself if you accidentally rented in a retirement home.

Today the weather was nice and sunny but due to your blackout curtains you could hardly tell. If it weren’t for the small gaps on the side shining a bit of natural light you’d think you lived in eternal darkness. Besides, the T.V. provided enough light for you as you laid on the cool wood floor. You weren’t watching anything in particular, just surfing the channels for anything interesting. A familiar song bombarded your ears and you tune into the screen.

BTS.

If you could’ve rolled your eyes any harder they’d get stuck staring at your brain.

It wasn’t that you despised them now. In fact, you were still on good terms with them. Well, except for that piece of shit moron Suga. You clicked your tongue as that name entered your head as his face shown on your screen. You spit on the name Min Yoongi. Being that you had an extreme allergic reaction to him caused you to miss out on some good songs and concerts. Though you didn;t really care because--

*K-Chlick*

You groaned thinking you had jinxed yourself as your heard your front door being unlocked by a certain spare key.

“HEY!! WAKEY-WAKEY BEST FRIEND!!” 

Oh no. Please no.

“WOW! IT’S SUPER DARK IN HERE!”

Your curtains flew upon letting in the blinding rays of death. You curled up in a ball and let of a harsh hiss as you were temporarily blinded.

“THERE! NOW IT’S ALMOST AS BRIGHT AS ME!!”

Sigh. You jinxed it.

J-Hope. Jung Hoseok. Sunshine. Your Hope, Hobi.

Now, you hadn’t given him a spare key specifically. You had given it to Jungkook, your still best friend. He gives it to one of the members in rotation when he doesn’t have enough time to check on you. But now, you have almost every member busting through your day everyday even without warning. However, none of the guys are as loud as J-Hope, but what did you expect?

You felt as if someone was staring at you and it had gotten way too quiet. You peeked open your eyes and saw a smiling Hobi with the sun rays in the background like he was some goddamn angel.

“Hey best friend! Didya miss me? Huh? Huh?! Didya?!”

“As much as I hate to admit it, your presence is very… overpowering.” You sighed.

He dramatically gasped and clutched his heart. “Did I just hear a compliment that wasn’t bitter or sarcastic? Am I dreaming?!”

You groaned at his theatrics. “Don’t push it.”

You then felt some strong back pats and rubs. “Okay, okay. Anyway, I brought you lunch.”

You uncurled and sat up to see a large fast food bag and the smell of salty fries and processed cheese with sweaty meat.

“Lemme guess… McDonald’s? Cheeseburger, medium fries, and a Sprite.”

This man had the nerve to look shocked at your obvious guess. “H-How’d you know?”

“You bring me the same thing every time you come over, Hoseok. At least be original and bring me like a Fillet Fish or something.”

Hoseok chuckled embarrassed and scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

You turned your attention back to your T.V. and changed the channel to a random sitcom that played. “You can have it. I’m not hungry.”

Hoseok frowned. “Are you not eating again?”

You rolled your eyes. “First off, just because I was lazy not to walk alllll the way to the kitchen at my parent’s house doesn’t mean I was unintentionally not eating. Second off, no dummy, I just went out last night and picked up some street food. I had some leftover this morning too, so I’m not all that hungry.”

You side-eyed the greasy food on the floor. “Plus, if I eat another McDonald’s cheeseburger again I’m gonna be sick.”

Hoseok laughed. “Fair enough.” He gathered the fast food bag and put it in your fridge for “that special midnight craving”.

As he was heading towards the door, he stopped and looked back.

“Hey, ummm… (Y/N)?”

“Uh-huh?” I answered still watching the sitcom.

“There’s gonna be a concert tomorrow night. And I was wondering… if you wanted to come this time.”

Here we go again. Anytime the guys would visit they would try to convince you to get out of the house to go to either their concerts, after parties, movie nights, and it didn’t matter where you were, on the toilet, in the shower, night outs, lunch, dinner, brunch, you name it. A tiny part of you wants to go, like it’s still clings to who you once were. But, the rest of you doesn’t want to exist socially and you feel like if you see Suga nothing’s gonna stop your fists from colliding on his cheek.

“Probably not--”

“Please (Y/N). I’m begging you.” He was now fully turned towards you and on his knees. “We haven’t been able to be all together or see you as much since you moved out from your parents and we miss you.”

You stayed silent.

“Everyone is so worried about you. Even Bang PD-nim. Everyone misses you and they want to see how you’re doing. Please (Y/N).”

You felt this weird pain in your chest. Almost like your heart was clenching tight at his plea. Why did you feel pain over this?

“I didn’t ask for ANYONE to be worried about me. I’m FINE!” you snapped. You didn’t mean to snap at him or was it that you didn’t mean to be defensive?  Why were you getting so in a knot over this? Just tell him no like you have multiple times. Or was this feeling because you wanted to go? It’s now making your head hurt over how stupidly convoluted your overthinking was.

Hoseok sighed. “If you won’t come for us, then please visit Yeontan.”

Yeontan? V’s puppy?

“I know you saw on Twitter that he got a puppy. Don’t you want Yeontan to meet his auntie?”

Well,... you had been wanting to meet that fluff ball too and the pictures you saw on Twitter made you have a case of FOMO big time. He was the only one that made a small smile appear on your lips and a twinge of happiness in your heart.

You sighed. “Maybe.” you mumbled as you closed your blackout curtains back.

Hoseok was silent for a while before heavy stomps made their way towards you and you were lifted off the ground. “FOR REAL?! OH THANK YOU (Y/N)!!” he screamed as he lunged forward and picked you up in celebration. “YOU WON’T REGRET THIS IS SWEAR!”

“Put. Me. Down. You. ANIMAL!” you yelped. “I’m getting nauseous!”

Hoseok put you down and ran towards the door. “Just wait until I tell the guys about this! They’re gonna be sooo psyched!”

“Dumbass! I said--” the door slammed closed with Hoseok already gone “maybe…”

You clicked your tongue at his brashness. You never fully agreed to go. He was blowing this whole thing out of proportion. Besides, how’d he even think you were going to get it? The concert is tomorrow night. If there is a ticket out there it probably costs an arm and a leg to get it. And that’s not counting if it’s also fake. You groaned in frustration and fell to the floor already tired of the day’s events. You felt your eyelids grow heavy and decided on a cat nap. You crawled over to your mattress and pushed it closer to the T.V. You laid on top and wrapped yourself in a warm weighted blanket and snuggled into your pillow. Before you knew it, you were fast asleep.

---

It was the night of the concert and you were staring at the ceiling in the dark. Why was yesterday’s talk with Hoseok bothering you so much? You hadn’t stopped thinking about it since he left and it was honestly giving you a headache.

*Grooowl*

Your stomach cut through the silence. You lazily crawled over to the fridge and winced at the bright light and shivered from the cool air. There wasn’t much, except the greasy bag of McDonald’s Hoseok had given you yesterday. Sighing, and praying that you don’t get an upset stomach, you took the bag and opened it.

You pulled out some fries and them being illuminated by the fridge light was a ticket and a backstage pass sticking out of it. You automatically groaned and took them both out. What also caught your eye was on the fries bag was written: ‘PLEASE!’ You pulled out the chicken nuggets: ‘PLEASE!’ The cheeseburger: ‘PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!’

Your eye twitched in annoyance. He really was trying here. You looked back at the ticket and then at your phone.

“The concert’s already started… Is there any point in going anymore? Plus, I didn’t even promise that I would even go…”

You looked back at the pleading food and remembered Hoseok’s face when he collapsed on his hands and knees. And even when you told him ‘maybe’ he looked so happy. He would want me to go for even a little while, right? You sighed, got up on your feet, and walked over to your closet.

“Where’d I put that hoodie?”

---

You were now standing outside the stadium already regretting your choices of being outside. You had drove nearly 3 hours from home to this concert and you were already having second thoughts. You suddenly had a stomach-churning flashback as you remembered what they’re concerts are like. It’s hot and loud and sweaty and full of screams; both fanboys and fangirls. You shivered and shrugged it off. You were more than late to the concert. You already knew how this would plan out. They’d tell you it was too late, you’d text Hoseok saying you were late and couldn’t get it, and that you would be the end of it. You’d go back to your bed where things were nice and quiet. At least, that’s what you thought…

“Oh, Miss (Y/N)! You finally arrived! I thought you were having second thoughts!”

A perky woman in the ticket booth greeted you happily and took your ticket. How did she--

“How do you know my name?”

“Oh! From BTS, of course. They told me you’d be arriving and gave me a picture as reference. Though, I must admit you do look a little different. But anyways, they told me to let you in no matter what!”

You internally screamed. Of course. That loud mouth J-Hope must’ve gone and run his mouth to every and anyone. Idiot. What if I hadn’t shown up or threw out that McDonald’s? Wait… does that mean he knows I’m--

“Here you are! Enjoy the show!” the woman said giving me back the ticket stub.

I muttered a thanks and went in. You were more towards the front and that meant you’d be pushed and shoved by the mosh of fangirls. Before opening the concert door, you took a deep breath. You could already hear the soft roar of the fans. Maybe they’ll be singing Heartbeat and it’ll be calm when you walk in.

You opened the door and your ears were immediately assaulted with the unholiest of screeches. They weren’t singing Heartbeat. You slammed closed the door and tried to steady your already hyperventilating breathing. God! Were these concerts always this loud?! How were you not deaf?! Okay, okay, okay… this won’t be that bad. Just go in, stay for about 30 minutes, take a picture, send it to the guys, and get the hell out of here. You breathed in once more ready for the game plan and opened the door once more.

You walked down the stairs and found your row. Being meek and polite, you made your way through the horde and found your spot. You looked up at the bright lights that displayed the dancing group. They were singing Dionysus and of course they were giving it 110% almost matching the same volume as the fans. ‘This song… ah… from the new album…’  You tried your best to endure the loud volume and you bobbed your head to the lyrics. Even if your worst enemy was up there, you should at least enjoy the music. The next song to play was HOME which was your favorite because it was nice and slow. The vocals on Jimin, V, and Namjoon were so beautifully woven that you couldn’t help but sway. You looked at Jimin as he sang. ‘Ah… how cute… oh! I should take a picture…’ You took out your phone and as soon as you were going to press the button someone slammed you from behind causing you to drop it. ‘Shit!’ Not worrying about who pushed you, you bent down and started looking. You were getting glares and whispered comments about your situation during such an emotional and beautiful song. You ignored them and kept looking. It was too dark and you could barely see anything apart from the soft glow of the Army Bombs and shoes.

“Excuse me?” said a male voice.

You looked up to see a nice looking boy holding something. “Are you looking for this?” It was your phone! You quickly stood up and nodded. As he handed you the phone he gave you a wink and a chuckle. “I drop my phone sometimes at so many concerts I’d hate for it to happen to someone else. Hold it tight, kay cutie?”

You felt your face go red and I bowed a quick thanks as you went back to your spot. No way… Did that guy just make you… blush?! You shook your head and went back to the task at hand, taking the picture. As you raised your phone up, you saw that Jimin was making a passionate face. Smirking, you took a pic. ‘I bet if I post this…. That’ll be hilarious!’

As the concert came to an end you had a feeling of slight sadness. You had enjoyed the new songs and the silly antics they did. You also saw how dedicated they had become and how grown and strong they looked. Maybe Jungkook was right. It wouldn’t hurt to pop in every now and again. The stadium was clearing out and you sighed and looked at your backstage pass. Then, you had a question that should’ve been asked before coming: Since when did BTS start doing backstage passes? Where would you even go? As you walked up to the silver gate that protected the security and BTS, a security guard walked up to you.

“Miss (Y/N)?” he asked.

Of course it had something to do with J-Hope. “Let me guess. BTS told you about me?”

He nodded and held out his hand. You gave him the pass and he nodded again. “Please follow me.” You took his hand and he helped you over the gate. Some leftover fans stared in disbelief at the fact you were personally being escorted backstage. Walking back there gave you a since nostalgia. Meeting the guys after the concert, congratulating them, going out to eat as celebration and relaxation. Your heart twinged at the memories, but you tried to shrug it off. You were going to see them after a long time. This is a happy thing, right? Happiness…

“We’re here.” spoke the security guard as he opened the door to the green room. The guys weren’t there yet. “You can wait here.”

I said a polite thank you and walked around the room. It was so much bigger. Your boys were getting so popular… Well, they deserved it. As you looked around the room, a cage caught your eye. Curious, you bent down and looked inside. “Yeontan?” The dog seemed to recognize its name and lifted its head. You opened the cage and Yeontan walked up to you, sniffing. You picked up the tiny fluff ball in awe and held it close to your face. “Aww!” you screamed. “Aren’t you just about the cutest thing ever! Who's a good boy?!”

Your words got Yeontan hyped up and he started licking your face. You smiled brightly at the cutie. This was so much better than looking at his pictures on Twitter. “You’re a good boy! Yes, you are! You look like a tiny chocolate chip cookie! I could just eat you up but I wouldn’t because you’d be too sweet!”

“(Y/N)?” called a voice. You looked towards the door and saw all the members staring. All of them. You felt nervous and your stomach started churning again. It’s been years since you’d seen them all together. You normally saw them one at a time, but that didn’t mean you saw them everyday. You had seen one member every few months if you were lucky. They looked tired and Jungkook looked more like an adult. Those pictures on Twitter don’t do him justice. What would you even say to them? What do you say in a situation like this?

“Didja miss me?” Smooth (Y/N), real smooth.

Suddenly, all at once, the members group hugged you and started talking over each other.

“See I told you she’d come--”

“Of course we missed you idiot--”

“You’ve missed so much--”

“We’ve miss you so much--”

“Have you been eating?”

“You look sooo skinny--”

“You playing with Yeontan was sooooo cuuuuuttteeeee--”

You pushed back from the group hug and grinned. “Yeah, yeah… I missed you guys too. You look so mature now.”

“How was the concert?! Didja like it?! Didja love it?! Oh who am I kidding? Of course, you loved it! You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t love it! Didja like our songs?!” Jungkook rattled off a hundred words a minute.

“Jungkook, calm down. You’re going too fast for her to answer.” said Namjoon. “Did you enjoy the concert (Y/N)? We wanted you to be comfortable but thought putting you in VIP would make you irritated.”

“Well, I only caught the middle of Mikrokosmos and to be honest,” you said as they got nervous, “HOME is now officially my new favorite song.”

“Really? You liked it?”Namjoon asked. You nodded. “My favorite vocals were Jimin, V, and you, Namjoon.”

As the guys talked amongst themselves, you glanced a saw a lone figure standing far from the group. Your grin turned sour as you two made eye contact. “H-Hey (Y/N).” The group turned to see your reaction. You turned your attention back to Yeontan still in your arms and looked at V. 

“V, where’d you find this cutie? He’s so adorable!”

Deciding not to make the situation awkward, he answered. “Oh, I got him back in 2017. He is adorable huh?”

“Um… (Y/N)-”

“Where do you find time to take care of him? Ooh! Does he tour with you guys? Like a secret member or something?”

“(Y/N)-”

“Hehe, unfortunately no. He lives with my parents for now because of my busy schedule.”

“Ah, I see. I did see that on Twitter. He lived with you guys at first right?”

V nodded. “Yeah, but when J-Hope told us you’d come to the concert I thought you might want to meet him.”

You smiled and snuggled into Yeontan’s fur. “Well, I’m glad I came. And if you ever need a babysitter for this cutie--”

“You don’t mind?”

“Of course not! From now on, he’s family. Plus, it might liven up my room to have a cute puppy in there before getting one of my own.”

“You’re thinking of getting a puppy?” asked Jimin.

You smiled. “Maybe.”

“You know,” spoke Namjoon, “it’s been forever since I’ve seen that smile.”

You felt your face. You were smiling. Why now? You looked down at Yeontan.

“My dog is magic!!” V shouted, hugging you.

You brushed him off and grinned. “Yeah, maybe he is…”

---

You stayed for a few minutes and talked and played with Yeontan all while avoiding a certain someone. You put Yeontan down and stood up.

“Well, I better get going. It’s pretty late…”

Jungkook shot up. “So soon?”

You nodded. “I’ve done a lot today and I forgot how much a concert takes out of me. I forgot how loud and rowdy they were. I’m exhausted.”

You yawned as you were saying goodbye Jimin caught your hand. “You’ll visit, right? I mean, will you be coming back anymore?”

Then Jungkook grabbed your other hand. “J-Hope hyung told us that maybe you’d open back up and hang out with us and eat dinner with us like you used to? Are you going back to avoiding us? Avoiding me?”

You felt a break in your heart. All those times they invited you out over the years you saw as a burden and troublesome for the awkward tension between you and Min Yoongi. When it fact, you had hurt them. You had moved 2 hours away from them. They wanted you and you were too selfish to even consider that you should just ignore the hatred in your heart for Min Yoongi. 

“Well,” you said softly, “being here brought back a lot of memories. Some good, some bad. Listening to your music again, seeing your passionate faces, watching you guys have fun were one of the many enjoyments I had at your concerts. So…”

You let out a sigh and squeezed Jimin and Jungkook’s hand. “I can’t promise I’ll begin saying yes to outings. My anxiety has gotten really bad over the years and like I said, being here brought some bad memories. I also live far away. But… I would like to be here for you guys again…!”

The members consumed you in a group hug and you left saying goodbye to all but one.

---

As you walked down the street, away from the concert you felt a little happy. ‘Maybe the reason I didn’t want to go out was because of my anxiety. Maybe  should’ve stayed with that therapist. I think I still have their number somewhere. Maybe I should give them a call for more meetings. No. I will call them. First thing in the morning.’

As you were having these thoughts, you had the feeling you were being watched. You glanced back and didn’t see anyone. ‘I really should head home. There are always creeps at this time of night.’ As you sped up the sound of shoes speeding up caught your attention. ‘It’s just your imagination. Just the dark playing tricks. There’s no one there.’ You glanced back but this time you saw a shadowy figure following right behind. Following your instincts, you immediately booked it. The person had the same idea and ran after you. Breathing heavy and the sound of harsh footsteps sent fear through you. Why?! Why was this person following you?! No-- chasing you?! A sasaeng fan?! The thought sent you running faster. As you made it towards a more populated area with cars, you glanced back. All of of sudden honking. A car’s headlights. You froze.

Suddenly, you pulled back onto the sidewalk as the car zoomed by. You whipped your head back to see Min Yoongi, panting and sweating.

“IDIOT! WHY DID YOU JUST STAND THERE?! DID YOU WANT TO GET HIT AGAIN?!” he shouted.

“IDIOT?! ME?! I WAS RUNNING TO GET AWAY AND I DIDN’T HAVE TIME TO--”

Wait. Panting. Sweating. Stage clothes still on. Hat and face mask sloppily thrown on.

“WHERE YOU FOLLOWING ME?! WHERE YOU THE ONE CHASING ME?!”

He went silent. 

“Oh my god! You fucking stalker!”

“I’m not a stalker!”

“Oh really?! Let’s assess the situation. It’s nighttime and extremely dark. The only source of light from the stadium to the this main street is a bunch of street lights. Oh! And when I started running, the first thing out of your mouth wasn’t, “Hey (Y/N)!”. It was to run after me like some deranged psycho! Did I also mention IT’S NIGHTTIME! I bunch of fucking weirdos walk around and you expect me to know it was you!”

Your rant made Min Yoongi’s eyes widen and a few onlookers were staring as they passed by. “I-I didn’t think about that…”

You scoffed. “Oh, just like how you weren’t thinking when you told me to disappear and I got hit by that fucking truck? Or when you had the gall to show to the hospital and proclaim your love for me after all you said to my face?!”

He winced. “I said I was sorry--”

“Sorry doesn’t mean shit when your family thinks you should be on some kind of list and your best friends think that for the past 2 years they were the problem and that I was avoiding them! Don’t you realize what you’ve done?!”

You couldn’t stop them from coming. You had tried avoiding this and still the tears you swore to never show had reared its ugly head. 

“D-Don’t you realize what your coldness has done to me…?” you hiccuped and sniffled. “I rarely go outside because I was afraid-- I am afraid that someone is going to hurt me and look down on me the same way you did! And then you have the nerve to save me this time, how dare you! How DARE YOU, MIN YOONGI! WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST TIME!!”

The street grew quiet. Onlookers were now fully staring and little crowd had gathered. Whispering, pointing, gasping. 

“You know… for the first time in years since my accident, I actually had fun today. I heard beautiful music, I got to see my closest friends, and I even smiled.”

You looked him in the eye. “Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve smiled?”

He didn’t answer.

“A really, really, really, really, long time.”

“(Y/N), I--”

“Save it, okay. I’ve spent way too long hating myself and hating everything because of you. Because of your coldness. I thought that if I behaved as cold as you, nothing would get too close to my heart and I wouldn’t be hurt anymore.”

“(Y/N), please--”

“But after seeing the pain of my friends faces, I’m done being cold. I’m done obsessing over my hatred over you. You’ve eaten up so much of my life before and even after my incident that I need to move on. I guess I never truly moved on, even after all that’s happened. I need to get my life back on track. I need to mend some fences that my coldness have frozen.”

You sighed and wiped your tears. “I’m done with you. Goodbye.”

You walked past the small crowd and made way home. You felt lighter. Better. All those emotions that you shoved and locked deep down came out and you couldn’t help but feel better. You’ve felt so many emotions today. Maybe you can feel something. Maybe it just took one emotion to overpower the others. Hatred. Sadness. Heartbroken. You remember the day of the incident. You felt such sadness and hatred that you didn’t want your tears to flow. Well, now they did. Maybe this is a good thing.

No-- this is a good thing.

- - - 

holy shit. has it really been 2 years since the first one. okay! so! I know promised you guys like months ago that this shit would be out by the weekend but college has been absolutely kicking my ass. like holy shit. tbh i didn’t even think you guys liked the first one. but after seeing that people wanted a sequel here you go! i’m sorry that it’s so goddamn long. it’s been a while since i had to write about something else that wasn’t an essay. anyways, here you guys are! i think i might turn this scenario into a multi-part series, who knows. i will try to upload more consistent and give you guys more kpop scenarios and i might start doing reactions too. my ask box is open if you guys have any suggestions. later noonas and oppas. peace out!

[drrameyfanpage]

8 mini fics

Author’s Note: I stumbled across a prompt list and decided to write a few. These are all short one shots. Enjoy!

Rating: Mature (ish)

Prompt 1: “Why are you in my room?”

Ethan blinked waking up. The only light in the room came from the lights outside the windows. He looked towards them first before the bed shifting caught his attention. He glanced towards the bottom of the bed expecting to find Jenner.

“Why are you in my room?” He asked.

“Your room?” Alexandra smiled softly at him.

He glanced around again. This was in fact not his room. “Okay, why am I in your room?” He asked confused sitting up. His head pounded but he doesn’t remember drinking anything. Actually, he doesn’t remember much of anything.

“Do you remember where you were before here?” She asks softly handing him a bottle of water.

He thinks about it. No all he can remember is being at work. “No. Just being at the hospital.”

“Do you remember any of your patients from this morning?”

He tries to think about it but his head is pounding. So, he shakes his head no.

“You and Harper got an argument about the new treatment for our patient Darren.” She paused hoping that would trigger a memory, but he looked clueless. “Harper denied the request to go it, sighting the side effects wouldn’t be good for Darren.”

“I don’t remember any of this. What does have to do with me being here anyway?”

“Well to prove your point about little to no side effects, you stabbed your thigh with the syringe of medication.”

“That sounds like something I might do.”

“Well the side effects were immediate and you passed out.”

“So how did I get here?” His voice rose.

“First you were lucky, you landed on something soft when you went down. Then Zaid helped me get to a room. We monitored you for a while before Harper said she would release you if someone was with you. You were semi awake at that time and very certain you were leaving.”

He mumbled something under his breath before running a hand over his face. “I landed on you?” She nodded. “I’m so sorry.”

She laughed a little. “It’s okay, I got to feel up all your muscles.” He didn’t know what to say and his cheeks tinted pink. “Plus, it was worth it for the ride over here.”

“Oh no, what did I say?” He leaned his head back against the headboard and looked at the ceiling.

“Well Bryce offered to help. We were worried you would pass back out between here and the hospital. You told him to stop getting so friendly with your woman.” She bit her lip. “You also might have told me while tucked you in, that if you weren’t so tire we would be naked.”

He didn’t look at her. “That’s last time I do something like that to prove me point.” He felt the bed move as she crawled closer. She settled over his thighs and pulled his hands away from his face.

“You’re not going to ask me what my response was?”

He shook his head no keeping his eyes closed. “I’m going to tell you anyway. I said you could make up for it when you’re more alert and you said I better hold you to that.”

She shifted in his lap, grinding down on him. He groaned and opened his eyes. “I guess I better not disappoint you since went through all this trouble.”

“Only if you feel up to it. I would hate for you not to remember our first time.”

“What makes you think there will be others?”

“You haven’t heard? I’m your woman apparently.” She grinned at him leaning forward to capture his lips.

He pulled back slightly. “Yes, you are.” Ethan kissed her again.

 Prompt 2: “Hey that’s mine!”

“Hey that’s mine!” Alexandra all but shouted in the cafeteria.

Ethan grinned down at her as he chewed the chocolate truffle he had just taken off her plate. Most of the room was watching them.

“You’re drawling attention to us.” She whispered.

“I believe it was you who was the one shouting.” He licked his lips.

“I’m not the one standing there grinning like I’m up to no good.” She hissed.

He shrugged.

“You’re the one who doesn’t want people to know and right now you’re doing a bad job making it seem like there’s nothing between us.” She glared up at him from her seat.

“You’re just upset I ate your truffle.”

“You’re an ass.”

He leaned over one hand resting on the back of her chair, the other on the table. She leaned away from him slightly as he invaded her personal space.

“Ethan, what are you doing?” She whispered.

“Giving you a taste.” He pressed his lips to hers. His tongue still tasting like chocolate entered her mouth making her moan quietly against his lips.

The kiss brought back memories of the night before where they shared truffles and champagne in front of his gas fireplace as they spend the night making love for the first time there.

Ethan pulled away looking pleased with himself.

“I thought you wanted to keep this secret?” She whispered slowly opening her eyes.

“Secrets are for people are ashamed of something. I am definitely not ashamed of you.” He straightened and people quickly looked away. “I’ll meet you out front after work?”

She nodded biting her lip.

“Don’t do that. You’ll make me harder than I already am.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and walked off.

Prompt 3: “Go away, I’m busy.”

Alexandra had meant to get Ethan out of the apartment sooner but he had been distracting. There was something about watching his put on a dress shirt that did things to her. That how they ended up back in her bed. Now it was too late. Her roommate voices could be heard from the living room.

Ethan froze and quickly pulled out. There was no way he could have sex while there was a room full of people down the hallway.

“Why did you stop?” She pouted up at him, her hand finding his semi hard member.

“Your roommates are here. How in the world are we going to get out of here?” He asked pulling her hand away from him.

“We’re not. We’re going to finish what we started and once everyone goes to bed we’ll leave.” She grinned.

“No way. I can’t continue on.”

“It’s not like they’re in the room with us.”

“That’s not the issue. You make enough noise to raise the dead.” He whispered.

She pushed at his chest and he rolled on to his back thinking she was going to get up. Instead she straddled him. “Just lay there, I’ll do all the work.”

She rubbed him along her opening, making him hard again before sliding down on to him. They both tried to keep quiet as she road him.

“Alexandra, come watch Thor with us.” Jackie knocked on the door.

“Go away, I’m busy!” Alexandra shouted at the door not stopping.

“Busy?” The door handle turned.

Alexandra grabbed a pillow smothering Ethan’s face with it as Jackie poked her head in.

“Fuck! You really are busy.” She quickly shut the door.

“We’re never doing this again here or anywhere outside of my home.” Ethan said tossing the pillow aside.

Part 2:

Alexandra had snuck him out that night after everyone had gone to bed. There had been questions in the morning, but she dodged them asking for some privacy until she was ready to talk. Her roommates had respected that and left her alone for the most part.

The only problem was Ethan really meant he wasn’t doing it anywhere else than his home. She had tried a few evenings back in the call-room and he had left her. She wanted him to realize that not every time someone was going to walk in on them.

That’s how they ended up in his office with her straddling him in his chair. “We need to stop before I can’t.” He mumbled.

She pulled her shirt off and tossed it aside. “Are you going to make me do everything?” She grinned reaching around to unclasp her bra.

She could see the struggle in his eyes as they darkened. He reached behind her undoing the clasp himself and tossed the garment aside. His hands found her breasts and he buried his face in her neck.

“I want you so badly.” She moaned.

“You had me this morning.” He grinned. “And last night. Twice.”

“It’s not enough.” She shifted in his lap.

There was a sharp knock on his office door. “Go away, I’m busy!” He called out not realizing he was repeating what Alexandra had said only a week ago.

“Well, to bad…“ Harper opened the door only to turn back around. “Seriously! Come find me after you…” She waved her hand shuttering and walked back out the door.

Once it was closed behind them Alexandra started giggling. He looked at her annoyed. “Every time!” He said.

Harper passed Jackie in the hall glancing at the file in her hand. There could be only one reason she was over here. “Dr. Ramsey’s busy.” She called out to the intern.

Jackie turned around looking back at Harper. “He needs to sign this.”

“He’s busy. Trust me I’m doing you a favor.” Harper walked off.

Jackie glanced over at his office door. A far-fetched thought crossed her mind as she thought back to catching Alexandra with someone. Was there a chance Harper had just walked in on the same thing? Na, there was no way Alexandra was with Ramsey.

Prompt 4: “Don’t come any closer!”

Ethan grinned as he advanced towards Alexandra. “Don’t come any closer!” She screamed pointing a finger at him.

He ignored her and continued to walk towards her. She shrieked again and took off down the hall. She could hear him running after her. She had almost made it to the bedroom when his arms closed around her waist.

“Eww! Put me down!”

“No.” He grinned. “I want to share with you. That’s what couples do.”

“This is not what couples share.” She tried to push his hands off.

He finally let her go and she turned back around to look at him a look of disgust on her face. “I need to shower now.”

“I know.” He grinned and stepped towards her. “That was my plan.”

“You could have gotten me in the shower with you without covering me in mud.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” He asked leaning down to kiss her.

“Where’s the fun in I’m probably going to have to wash our clothes twice now?” She kissed him back. He picked her up coating the front of her in mud. “What happen anyway?” She asked as he carried her into their bathroom.

“Jenner decided he wanted to chase a stray cat right as I stepped in mud.”

“He’s not covered though.”

“No, he went after the cat and I went face first into the mud.”

“Aww, I’ll make it up to you.”

“You’ll walk him from now on in the rain?”

“No.” She pulled her shirt off. “Put me down and I’ll make it up to you with your pants off.” He set her down and she kneeled on the bathroom tile floor undoing his pants.

Prompt 5: “Stop, that tickles!”

Ethan had never been one for cute cuddly moments. There was no after sex snuggles or watching TV on the couch cuddles in his previous relationships. With Alexandra it was different. He wanted to hold and never let her go. Touching her in some form made him calm and relaxed.

Excepted cuddling and snuggling sometimes led to something he didn’t like. “Stop, that tickles!” He shifted on the couch.

Alexandra sat on his stomach her fingers attacking his sides. He tried not to move too much not wanting her to fall on the floor, but he also wanted her to stop.

“Really, that’s enough.” He said through the laughter.

She kept tickling him but shimmied backwards. “Is it? Part of you seems to like it.” She settled over his hardening member.

“Part of me likes that you’re on top of me.”

“That’s too bad.” She got up and pouted at him. “I’ll just have to tickle myself then.” She headed for the hall before turning back to give him a lustful look.

Prompt 6: “What on earth are you doing?”

Ethan entered his office shutting the door hard behind him. He was angry. Alexandra had been texting him while in a meeting with Harper. All about seemly nothing. She wanted to know where was this or that in his office. The last thing he needed to be thinking about where was his bloody stapler. His eyes fell on his desk. There it was a long with the tape right in the place where he had left them last.

She was sitting in his desk chair, it’s back to him, her head tipped back. “What on earth are you doing?” He said clearly annoyed. “I told you where the stapler was. I told you where the tape was. I told you where the files were. Clearly you found them since they’re on the desk. What else do you need that you paged me?”

She said nothing and didn’t move. He sighed angerly and walked towards the chair. He reached out and turned it towards him. He gulped and stopped in his tracks.

“Well if you don’t want to help me find my clothes, I’ll just walk around the hospital like this.” She was in nothing but black lacey panties and a matching bra. She started to get up and he pushed her back down.

“You’re not going anywhere.” His voice was low and dangerous.

It was exactly what she wanted. She liked catching him in mood, he wasn’t always gentle and she liked that sometimes. She knew Harper would already annoy him, she just pushed it a little more.

Alexandra reached up and grabbed him by the tie pulling him closer. “I’m not?” She batted her eyelashes up at him and he growled.

“No. In fact I believe you’re about to lose more of your clothes.”

 Prompt 7: “I’m gonna pretend I didn’t see that.”

Harper had known two months earlier when Ethan had come into her office he was going to tell her about his relationship with Dr. Flynn. The thing was once he said it, she would have to take him out of the decision making for the winning candidate. As much as she wanted Aurora to win, she knew ultimately it should be Ethan’s choice.

That was why she stopped him before he could speak. She told him “If I don’t ask, you don’t tell.” He had tried to protest but she kicked him out before he could.

She had to admit Flynn and him had been pretty good about hiding the relationship. There were some lingering looks and touches of hands, but nothing to actually suggest they were together.

The elevator opened and she wanted to groan. She was supposed to leave hours ago, but paperwork had kept her at her desk. Now she was paying the price. “I’m gonna pretend I didn’t see that.” She said stepping on to the elevator.

The couple flew apart. Dr Flynn looked anywhere but at Harper while Ethan had a smug smile on his face and leaned back against the wall.

She rolled her eyes and turned her back to them. The ride was awkward and she was glad when the elevator stopped on her floor. She stepped out but called back before the doors could shut all the way, “I’m glad it’s working out for you both.”

Prompt 8: “Is that my shirt?”

Ethan couldn’t keep still in the elevator. Now in the light of day he questioned if last night had been a mistake? Alexandra shot him an annoyed looked as he shifted next to her.

“You worry too much.” She said with a roll of her eyes.

“I don’t know how we’re going to ever face Dr. Emery.”

“Well you can start by not calling her Dr. Emery since you have never before. That will give something away.” She reached out and grabbed his hand.

He shut his eyes taking deep breaths and leaned his head against the wall. The elevator dinged open and someone got on. The way Alexandra squeezed his hand let him know it was Harper.

Harper want to do anything but get on the elevator. She did though, knowing If she left that would make things more awkward. She gave a tight smile to Alexandra, who looked absolutely fine. She faced the doors her back to them. It was a second before it clicked in her head.

She turned around eyeing Alexandra, “Is that my shirt?”

Ethan’s eyes flew open and looked at what his girlfriend was wearing. Alexandra shrugged, “I couldn’t show up to work in the same clothes from the night before.”

The elevator dinged on Ethan’s office level and Alexandra pulled him away from the wall. She stepped up to Harper. “If you want it back, you’ll just have to invite us over again.” She winked before pulling Ethan down the hall.

[diveronarpg]

Congratulations, KIERSTEN! You’ve been accepted for the role of IMOGEN with a faceclaim change to Brittany O’Grady. Admin Kaitlin: Oh Kiersten... It’s no secret to anyone who asks how much I am in love with Isabella Gagliano. They are such a fascinating character. They bring this vibrancy, this sheer tour de force with them around every bend, carry their thirst for justice with them around every corner--their pen as their sword and paper as their shield. And you, Kiersten, my sunshine angel you brought them to us full throttle. I am particularly in love with the plots you’ve laid out for them, all the ways they seek to raze Verona to ash for the sake of the truth, no matter how bloodied it may be. I absolutely cannot wait for them to bless our dash. Please read over the checklist and send in your blog within 24 hours.

WELCOME TO THE MOB.

OUT OF CHARACTER:

Alias | Kiersten

Age | 20 (dub club, baby!)

Preferred Pronouns | she/her

Activity Level |  6.5/10, give or take a number depending on assignments, muse, mood, and all that jazz! I’m getting ready to go back to school; however, I think I’ve managed to keep activity up pretty well, in spite of that. Anyway, I have burning passion for writing (and pain)–and DiVerona! And along with my burning passion comes guilty pleasures–that is, prioritizing replies over not-so-important (but aren’t they all supposed to be important? c’est la vie!) assignments.

Also… I’m just gonna slide this here… https://catherinedaly.tumblr.com/ :)

Timezone |  EST

IN CHARACTER:

Character | Isabella Elena Gagliano (with a FC change to Brittany O’Grady, pleeeeease!)

ISABELLA

origin: Spain

meaning: pledged to God; God is bountiful

“Qué linda, qué hermosa–nuestro amor. Gracias a Dio.” These are some of the earliest phrases that she can remember coming from Candela and Emilio Gagliano throughout her childhood. Affectionately nicknamed Bella from an early age, the Gagliano child has never been a stranger to beloved adoration. Every morning, her parents would shower the beautiful babe with kisses; every night, they would get on their knees and pray at the side of the crib, thanking God for the gift He deigned to give them.

ELENA

origin: Greece

meaning: shining light; the bright one

Candela Gagliano knew what she was doing when she looked down at her darling baby and decided to gift her with a middle name full of light and brightness. That is what Isabella was to the Gagliano family: a bundle of light that, when cultivated as sweetly as she’d been, would one day righteously burn anyone who dared to try to snuff her out.

GAGLIANO

origin: Italy/Germany

meaning: joyous; brave

There’s bravery in looking the hurricane in the eye and now cowering, but winking. There’s bravery in relying on words and ink rather than guns and bullets–this ideology has been absorbed by the little canary who prefers to sing her truths rather than fight battles that she knows she’s unequipped for. She takes immense joy in dealing justice–a rarity, especially in a place such as Verona.

What drew you to this character? | Would you believe me if I said a bit of my heart has always belonged to Isabella Gagliano? I’m no better than Eros leaving Psyche to tend to her as she so rightfully deserves. When I began toying with the idea of applying for a second character (yes, I know I’m tardy to the party), I told myself that I would look for someone who pushed me out of my comfort zone of innately soft characters. By no means do I consider Isabella rough, but she’s brazen in a sort of “it’s better to ask for forgiveness rather than beg for permission” kind of way. There’s a fire inside of her that I’m dying to get ahold of. And, after going through the list over and over again, I realized that I couldn’t turn a blind eye to Isa anymore.

What is a future plot idea you have in mind for the character? | Where do you see this character developing, and what kind of actions would you have them take to get there? 3 future plot ideas would be preferable.

SEE, I’VE COME TO BURN YOUR KINGDOM DOWN: Isabella is no stranger to injustice or loss; she’s had more than enough of her fair share of both while living in Spain. Her move to Verona was meant to only be an escape, to rid herself of the plaguing thoughts of her mother and father, but the seasoned  man who took her underneath his aged wing implored her to write, she could not refuse. She wrote. The Verona Giornale took note of the little canary and offered her a place, promising her as much anonymity as they can give under the moniker of Imogen, and she greedily took them up on her offer, promising herself that she would EXPOSE THE MOBS FOR ALL THAT THEY’VE DONE.  And may God have mercy on the souls who find themselves immortalized in ink by Isabella Gagliano; for, if they want to live like gods, she will assure that they are crucified like them—painfully, magnificently, and publicly.

YOU HOLD MY HEART, YOU HOLD ME DOWN: Isa was the one to force her beloved to choose between her heart and her family, for she was under the guise that she meant more to Celeste than the family that left her with no choice but to marry and join the likes of the Montagues. But if there was  one thing her parents taught her, it was to never make assumptions; and yet, the Gagliano woman did and got burned in the end. Casting Celeste out of her house that night was the most painful thing she’d ever done, and I’d like to see how she could come to terms with it. Logically, of course, it makes sense–Isabella cannot afford to lose herself in a woman that can never fully be hers, but her bleeding heart cries for its stellina, cries to have the other sweetly nestled against the contours of Isabella’s body, even if only for a night. EXPLORING THE RELATIONSHIP WITH CELESTE is something I’m dying to do, especially since I see Isa as a rather possessive person; will she cave for Celeste, or will she go out of her way to try to make the Duval woman jealous? Will she seclude herself because of her battered heart  and work twice as hard to expose the evil doings of the mobs?

CORRUPT A MAN’S HEART WITH A GIFT–THAT’S HOW YOU FIND OUT WHO YOU DEALIN’ WITH: I’d like for Isa to LOOK FOR WEAK LINKS WITHIN THE MOBS’ ARMOR, for both her own sanity and her publications. Though Fate has been cruel to her in the past, she’s loathe to believe that it could continue to be; surely, Isabella believes, not everyone involved in the work of Damiano or Cosimo is there because of their own volition. Surely, she believes, there are some willing to sing their song for her, so long as she offers something in return. While neither of us are sure what will be offered, I’d love to get the chance to flesh it out and figure out just how far Isabella will go to get what she thinks she  needs.

Are you comfortable with killing of your character? | Only if it’ll cause the maximum amount of pain possible.

IN CHARACTER INTERVIEW:

What is your favorite place in Verona?

Wrapped under plush blankets, arm strewn lovingly across a frame she’s mapped dozens of times–that’s her favorite place in Verona. But, there’s power in a name and in the unfettered truth that she’s too selfish to give up; to remedy, Isa keeps the truth tucked close to her chest out of fear that, if she shares, she’ll lose it and Celeste. So, Isabella settles for something far more bland, but still honest: “My office– at home or at the Giornale.” The answer is far more bland, but it’s still honest. Both places scream Isabella Gagliano, for they’re littered with pads of paper marred by  her loop-filled handwriting and her walls and desk are decorated with pictures she’s taken in her down time (however, her office at home dons more intimate photos–candids, true moments of happiness–than the one at work). “There’s something liberating in sitting down in a space that’s wholeheartedly your own and and just… Being able to write and to be. It’s cathartic, really.”

      2. What does your typical day look like?

“I don’t really have a set pattern of what I do every day.” Isabella prefers to keep a healthy amount of change in her life, just in case someone starts to trail her. Writing under a moniker offers more protection than her given name, but it doesn’t offer invincibility; she wishes to follow in her parents footsteps, but in her own way: stealthily, creatively.  It’s not easy living in Verona without mob protection, but she makes do with what she has; besides, she’d rather die a martyr than a murderer. Languidly and cat-like, she places an elbow on the arm of the leather chair, lips jutting out in thought. “But, first and foremost,” the curly-haired brunette begins, “I wake up. The time varies, depending on what I have planned for the day. If I have a ridiculously light schedule, I’ll lounge in bed ‘til noon or I get hungry—whichever comes first.” Playfully, she chuckles at her own admission before continuing, “But on ‘normal’ days, I head to Giornale, I interview people, I write. Maybe I’ll find time to visit a few friends or just wander around the city. I’ve been here for a few months, sure, but every single day I feel like there’s something else–something new–that I learn. And that’s a journalist’s dream, no?”

      3. What has been your biggest mistake thus far?

“So what—this is it?” Disbelief colors her words and she’s grateful; without it, she knows without a doubt that Celeste would be able to hear the begging undertones, the wretched part of Isabella that wants nothing more than to love and be loved in return.

“Mi amore, what do you want from me?” Celeste’s voice is tired, worn. “You know me better than I do myself; you know—“

“What do I want? What do I want, Celeste?” Exasperated hands slam against her countertop, causing the other to jump in her perch on the couch. “You! All I want is you! How many languages do I have to say it in for you to understand it? How many times?” Isa rakes her hands through her curls to calm herself, but it’s no use; panic and vexation have settled deep within the marrows of her bones, for she knows deep down that this is the end.

“I can’t leave Tomas—“

“You don’t even love him.” Isabella’s voice cracks as it stumbles over the four letter word, the four letter word she’s breathed countless amounts of time  against the soft skin of Celeste’s neck, at the insides of her thighs. Isabella closes the distance between them, brown eyes imploring as she nestled beside her lover on the couch, fingertips reaching and finding purchase on the other’s hands. “You love me. Why—why am I not enough?”

For the first time since the conversation began, she swears she can see guilt in her lover’s alluring eyes. Celeste says nothing, and the silence is as loud as anguished screams. Because you can’t provide for me in the way that my family needs like he can, Isa supplies mentally, because you have no merit in Verona. Because you are neither Capulet nor Montague aligned.

Because you were too late.

“Then go.” She all but snatches her hand away from Celeste’s and she abruptly stands. “Get out. Get out.” Heavy footfalls thump against the hardwood floors as she disappears down the hall to their—no, her—bedroom. A few moments pass before Isabella rounds the corner, Celeste’s belongings carelessly bundled in her arms. “Leave,” Isa hisses, all but throwing the clothes at the redhead, “and stay gone. Stay with him in that big, grand house of yours.”

The Duval woman can only comply. With clothes in her hands and tears in her eyes, she casts her beloved a longing look before leaving. And as soon as the door slams shut, Isabella crumbles to a heap of bitterness, of brokenheartedness. She pulls her knees to her chest and raggedly sobs until her throat is raw.

———

“Signorina Gagliano?” the interviewer prompts, brows furrowing.

She blinks—once, twice, then murmurs, “Perdonami—my mind has been elsewhere as of late.” Then, to remedy her inappropriate silence, she flashes a grin and admits, “Honestly, it’s a bit unnerving being on the other side of this. I’m much more comfortable in your position, caro mio.” His chuckle reveals that he’s not upset, not even bothered. He just wants answers, Isa tells herself.

All anyone ever wants is an answer until it’s not quite that they want to hear. She swallows thickly.

“My biggest mistake would have to be giving people the benefit of the doubt.” Doing so with Celeste had left a gaping hole in her chest that she knows will never fully fill. “When somebody shows you who they are the first time, amico mio, you better believe them.”

What has been the most difficult task asked of you?

“To write,” she murmurs softly, brown eyes more vulnerable than she’d like to admit. It comes as easily as air to her, that writing, but it brings so much pain, so much misery. It dredges up memories that she has spent years trying to bury. “It’s a gift and a curse, you know.” To equally love and hate what you do, to know that it’s the best thing to do–even if not for your own gain. She knows this better than many at the Giornale, for they write from a distance with no ties to the mobs, but she writes from  unwanted connections: her lovesick heart, her bitter soul. “But, you know what they say: Nothing easy is worth having, or something along those lines.” And truly, deep down, Isabella knows this as well as she knows the sky is blue and the grass is green, but it doesn’t make it any easier to stomach.

      4. What are your thoughts on the war between the Capulets and the Montagues?

This is the one question that leaves a metallic tang in her mouth—the mention of the mobs in what she thought was lighthearted practice for one of the newer interns has driven her to lock her jaws until she bleeds. This is all they do: they kill, they steal, and they lie—for trivial, worldly possessions. Money. Fame. Power. Her fingertips twitch involuntarily, the minuscule movement born from irritation and disdain. And this is why I’m here—to strip them of it all, to remind them that the pen is far mightier than the sword.

Isabella clears her throat and her mind by extension; to blatantly admit something that bold, even in the face of a comrade, would be the final nail in a casket she’s not yet prepared to lie in. “I’m not sure if it’s fair for us to have a say on a world that we know nothing of,” she breezily lies, fingertips absentmindedly tugging at her dark brown curls. A brow arches, however, asking the question that she knows better than to voice and he knows better than to answer: Don’t you know better than to ask about the work of the Devil?

Nonetheless, glossed lips tick upward at the corners, just enough to indicate a smile. “My thoughts are based on facts and facts alone when it comes to things not prominent in my own life, so I’m sure that makes them rather bland.”

Extras: If you have anything else you’d like to include (further headcanons, an inspo tag, a mock blog, etc), feel free to share it here!

EXTRAS:

MBTI: ENTP - The Debater

ZODIAC: Libra - October 11, 1994

MOCK BLOG:

https://isabellagagliano.tumblr.com/

PLAYLIST:

https://open.spotify.com/user/r7z4vyhjr8g2jp2t30pkapvwf/playlist/6eVrYzXLiF281uOg3GeqI1?si=PPb1kT6lQp6ZTCDGgA3sqw

HEADCANONS:

Isabella has a tiny, scripted-font “C.” behind her left ear. One drunken escapade quickly led to another, and before either Celeste or Isabella knew it, they were in a hole-in-the-wall tattoo shop. Isa held Celeste’s hand as she got her tattoo—“I love you, stellina, I love you,” the brunette had slurred with a lazy grin throughout the process.

The Gagliano woman is possessive, to say the least; but who can blame her—the child who lost what was most important to her at the time to outside forces, to greedy hands that only sought to take?

Along with journalism, Isa enjoys photography in her free time.

She’s fluent in Spanish, Italian, English, and she knows conversational Russian.

The man that took her in and encouraged her to write recently passed; she visits his grave at least once every two weeks.

[sunshinechii-scenarios]

Hi Neighbor

Hello! I'm back with another scenario finally after another round of just posting moodboards! I also did include a pet cat in here so if you're a dog person I'm sorry! I love cats kskxnsozjs but people see me as a dog person sad sad. W.E I love them both ♡

✿ Seventeen The8 x Gender Neutral Reader ✿ Fluff ✿ 1.7k words ✿ Not Requested ✿ Chii

PSA: If you requested something please give us 2-3 weeks! We’re both in school and busy with personal things! I don’t wanna sound annoying but be patient! Thank you! I make make a wip post where I’ll update the wips I’m working on if that helps!

I made the following divider so please don’t take it or use in your own posts, thank you .- Chii 

          There was an absolutely wonderful opening for the Friday night shift at work and with rent coming up, you knew you needed the extra cash. It was always a normal occurrence that Friday has the least amount of workers, next to the weekend. You picked up the black marker and wrote your name on the whiteboard inside the employee office. Marking your name down, you made up a plan in your head to prepare yourself for working two shifts within 24 hours. Gathering your things, you checked the time on your phone that had been locked up. 7:34 pm, you still had time to eat a quick meal and sleep before you dealt with an afternoon and night shift back to back. You luckily had four breaks in those two shifts but it was hard to take naps with noise constantly around you.

“Bye, Y/N. See you tomorrow!” Said one of the older workers there, you waved them a goodbye before walking out of the building. As your shoes crunched against the fallen leaves and the wind hit your skin, you walked to your stop. You fished out a pair of earbuds and plugged them into your phone as you waited for the bus.

          On the 15 minute ride home, your plan started to come together. You would order some delivery and pay with your debit card over the phone to save the trouble of paying with cash. You would take a shower within the 45 minute window it usually took for your delivery to come and eat before sleeping by 10 AM. You turned the white corridor lined with dark doors to stop in front of the one you called home. You felt up your pockets for your keys. Finally feeling the jagged edge of metal against your fingers you pulled it out, the jingling sound was the only other sound besides the voices you could hear from next door. You recently got a new neighbor, the old one had moved due to work relocation. It was such a shame, you two had been close and it was hard to adjust to a new neighbor, Minghao is his name if you weren't mistaken. You barely said anything to him since he moved in last week. A few greetings here and there were exchanged between the two of you. You only knew his name because of mail being accidentally put into your box day after day. You thought back to a few days ago, around two days after he moved in. He caught you while coming home in your work attire, that day you had been especially tired and it showed in your appearance. 

It only consisted of him saying “hey neighbor,” before he walked into his apartment and his three friends followed. You were worried about the noise factor but to your pleasant surprise you could hear him tell them to quiet down every time they got loud. You enter your home but not before stealing a glance over to Minghao’s door, hearing muffled voices.

‘Maybe he has friends over again,’ you thought to yourself before pushing the dark door in. You felt a fluffy tail around your ankles as soon as you stepped through the door.

“Hey, Cece.” You bent down to pet the white and gray cat on the ground. She started to walk off to god knows where while you took off your coat and shoes. You called in your order and paid, finally being able to enjoy a hot shower after a long day. You took your time under the hot water, letting it relax your tense muscles. The steam filled the tile bathroom and you looked down to your hands, red due to the hot water. You heard a female voice that interrupt your thoughts through the walls. The walls were thin but not that thin, it took a lot to hear someone talking from another apartment. You got out of the shower after that, you had been in there way too long anyway. Your noticed your prune like fingers while you changed into a fresh change of clothes. The doorbell rang just when you exited the steamy bathroom and prepared the cash tip.

          You thanked the delivery man and gave him a tip and sat down at your coffee table. Opening the bag, you took out it's contents. You saw Cece making her way towards you. Getting up, you lifted her into the couch and she turned a few times before getting comfortable. Came that time of the night to look for a show to watch while you ate. Although, once you did it was nearly impossible to enjoy your T.V show in peace. The voices next door got louder and louder. You wanted to shut them out and ignore it as white noise but you could make out every word they were shouting. Disregarding your damp hair and your cat meowing for you to not leave again, your hand turned the handle to your front door. You slipped on a pair of slide on slippers and walked the short distance to Minghao’s door. You took a deep breath before knocking, what were you going to say? Stop yelling? Regardless, you knocked and waited for him to answer. To your surprise the door opened quickly, you saw the angry looking girl behind Minghao. You assumed this was the loud female voice you heard while trying to relax in the shower. She looked angry and was red in the face, you saw tears streaming down her face with bits of mascara. You blinked rapidly and tore your eyes away from her, not wanting to make awkward eye contact.

Looking at Minghao, you began to speak, “hey, I’m-mh?!”

‘Hey, I'm your neighbor from next door. I know you just moved in and all but I have a night shift in 4 hours and I would appreciate if you kept the noise down,’ is what you wanted to say if it wasn't for his lips pressing against yours but you weren't complaining. They felt smooth and plush, unlike your own that was dry from not applying lip balm after coming out of the shower. You saw no point in it, you were going to eat right after but in this moment you wish you did. He held onto your body as you practically melted. You have never been kissed like this before with your luck in men. They didn't kiss you like Minghao did. They wouldn’t be able to kiss you like Minghao did. He pulled away, staring into your eyes before leaning towards your ear.

“I know this looks bad but play along and I'll explain everything later.” His breath tickled your neck and caused your cheeks to flush.

“U-uh sure…” You could barely say anything since you were still in shock from the kiss. He interlocked your fingers together and stepped away so you could see the girl in your sight again. She was just as shocked as you were.

“This is the girl you keep saying doesn't exist.” Minghao said while motioning over to you.

“So you’re the one, huh?” Her voice was just as loud as before but it was slightly brittle.

“Uh,” you felt Minghao’s fingers tighten around your hand, “yea! We’ve been seeing each other.” You saw the anger in her eyes and felt scared, like she was about to attack you. She start to walk towards you but Minghao let your hand go and stood in front of you.

“I think it's time for you to go.” Minghao said calmly, trying to be the bigger person in this situation.

“This isn't over!” She screamed louder than before.

“Yes it is.”

“Ugh!” The girl stomped out of his apartment but not before slamming his front door so loud that you heard your cat meow from the wall.

“I should be expecting a call from the landlord in a day shouldn't I?” Minghao crouched down and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Most likely.” You crouched down to be eye level with him. He pick up a fallen pillow and threw it back in the couch.

“About before, I'm sorry.” He looked at you apologetically.

“It’s fine, a nasty ex?” You said.

“Now she is.” He said blandly.

“Oh, I'm sorry.” You said quickly after, not really knowing to comfort him but he didn't seem to mind that he just broke up with his girlfriend.

“It’s alright, we got into our 9th argument this week and I expected this to come.” He got up and started to fix up the rest of apartment.

“Do you want help cleaning up?” You asked him, figuring it would be weird to just leave after that and you wanted to speed up the process so you didn't have to hear cluttering while in bed.

“That would be amazing, thank you…” His voice trailed off.

“Y/N, I live next door.” You pointed to the left wall of his apartment.

“Ah, you always bring my mail over to me.” He nodded his head at remembering your morning attire and half awake face when you would drop off the said mail.

“So,” you paused before continuing to pick up the Chinese fashion magazines,” do you always kiss your new neighbors?” You said after you put them on his coffee table.

“Why? Want it to happen again?” He turned to you to saw your face flush a deeper red. He tried to hold back a smile.

“How about I take you in a date first? We’ll see if everything plays out well and I'll kiss you again.”

“Date? Wait! My take out! Ah, it's probably room temperature by now.” You suddenly remembered your food and sighed, you didn't want to use the microwave since it was half your age, a ‘goodbye present’ from your parents.

“I’m sorry about that, you could use my microwave if you want to. It's brand new.” He offered up his kitchen to your use and pat the top of the microwave.

“You just saved me from my old rickety microwave.” You sighed happily.

“You saved me from my ex, it's the least I can do.”

You spend the next hour continuing to help Minghao with his apartment and ate at his place also. You introduced him to your ragdoll cat and Cece loved him, so did you. Maybe love is a strong word but you are definitely attracted to him now. Usually you kiss after two people get together but a change up in the order makes it interesting.

“I still have my night shift….”

I HAD THIS WIP FOR 5 DAYS AND THATS THE QUICKEST i’VE EVER FINISHED, MODIFIED AND EDITED ANYTHING. I like this little prompt so I worked with it and it’s not bad! :o Until next time!

Please don’t claim this as your own and please don’t do anything with it without my permission. If you don’t want it happening to you, don’t do it to others.

[novadreii]

a diatribe about the emotional unpacking i’ve been doing this summer, specifically regarding my anxiety, how it’s affected me, and how i’m trying to drop kick it in the face. 

i will be honest and say that this weekend i’ve been sitting with some mild anxiety. mild, but still there, enough to set off alarms. just this...undercurrent of fear about the future. i go back to school in exactly 1 month, and getting my degree means more to me than arguably anything right now. some of you have been watching me bitch about this for years, but i’m stubborn as fuck and refuse to let it go. it’s not about the status, or the diploma. it’s a struggle of significance for me; since 2012 i’ve wrestled on and off with my mental health and this made staying in school consistently impossible. so in 2015 i made the decision to not go back until i was properly ready. a lot has happened since then, but to make a long story short, i’ll never be more ready than i am now. finishing this means everything to me; it means digging my heels in, working hard, and earning something for myself. something that, for a long time, i really lost hope that i was even capable of achieving.

but as always, doubt always starts to creep once the deadline approaches: what if i fail again, what if i can’t handle it, what if i drop out and have to work boring low-level jobs my whole life, what if i panic, what if i can’t do it?

every piece of text on the subject that i’ve ever read, every meaningful message from all my favorite books/series, has pointed me towards this one solution for when i’m paralyzed with fear: just feel it, sit with it, don’t run from or avoid it. and once you’ve done that, go through your fear and do the thing you’re afraid of anyway. that’s called bravery, and if you repeat this process enough times it will give you the confidence to keep doing it in the face of anything you fear. how often have we heard that being brave is not synonymous with being fearless? fearless is a lofty concept, an ideal, but honey, it’s just not realistic. everybody has fears. the most incredible people throughout history had their own fears; what sets them apart is how they dealt with them. 

my methods for avoiding pain/fear these days are 1) weed 2) tv/video games in excess and 3) avoiding my responsibilities/doing anything that would progress my life. obviously this will not work out for me, not in a long-term sense anyway. 

so recently i’ve just....stopped using coping methods when i’m getting into my fear. i do anything other than my usual destructive habits. i force myself to clean in a frenzy, i listen to loud music on my headphones, i go for a walk around the block, i read a book, i’ve even forced myself to do boring paperwork that i was avoiding. i make a challenge out of forcing myself to do the exact opposite of what i really want to do in that moment.

and THAT’S where the magic happened for me. once i confront Fear and do it over and over and over again, it begins to lessen. i’ve done this before, and i survived. it wasn’t that bad. it was worth the effort it took to just deal with it. 

the truth is that everything in life is a trade-off. you can’t get anything you want without sacrificing something of equal value whether it’s money, time, energy, or any other resource. and on the flip side of that coin, you can’t just avoid your life and desires, not without paying for it emotionally. so logically speaking, if both paths are equally as difficult, if they take roughly the same amount (but a different TYPE) of effort, which one will i choose?

it’s become obvious to me now, whereas it wasn’t before, that i should choose the path with the end result that is most worth it for me. depressed bastard who never did anything with her life? or...who knows? someone who actually tried and maybe got SOME of what she wanted? so now that the two choices are so clear, i’m beginning to feel drive, determination, and ambition again. goddamn, i was born with those traits burned into my personality and identity; losing them temporarily during the last few years fucking hurt, i really did lose a part of myself. but they were just dormant, inactive, because i can feel them faintly taking root again. and it feels friggin amazing. 

so nowadays i’m practicing a new skill: willpower. i believe it is absolutely a skill that anyone can cultivate and work on. i realized that i can force myself to do shit i know i should be doing instead of running from my problems. knowing that i will feel so much better if i just address and overcome what is scaring me is enough to motivate me. i can do this without resistance, without wanting to go hide in my bad habits. my awareness (my true self, separate from ego), knows the right answers, the correct path. i can physically do what i know needs to be done even if my mind is screaming at me to self-destruct instead; i have that power, because i am not my mind. none of us are; we are the awareness behind the mind, so to speak. if this sounds too new-age for you, i’m sorry. but i’ve been reading books on the topic for years without understanding completely. it made about 75% sense to me up until now, and i found the missing piece. mindfulness, the Self, the Ego...it’s all interconnected, and i used to think it was more religious BS that I didn’t care for. but it really isn’t. it’s a logical approach to heal yourself emotionally, and it starts with recognizing that your internal dialogue, your thoughts, and even your emotions, do not make up who you are, so you don’t have to be a slave to them. i wish i could articulate this better, but i barely understood it myself when i first started researching the topic. but something inside me knew that the answer i’d been looking for was somewhere in this train of thought, so i’ve kept with it (if you’re interested, the one book I would recommend is the power of now by eckhart tolle. i know, i know. but it really is the most easily digestible medium for this subject. just know you will have to engage with it and put in the work to fully understand). 

so anyway, that’s what i did this weekend. no weed, no mindless distractions, no emotional eating, despite the low burning of fear about school in the back of my mind. i cleaned the shit out of the kitchen and my room instead, which was distracting and physically tiring. then because i still felt restless, i went for a jog. now i’m showered and tired, about to watch a movie that i feel i actually earned. i think Fear produces a nervous energy that i can dispel with any kind of physical activity, which takes the edge off and makes it bearable.  

and lo and behold, by not being destructive at the first sign of feeling afraid, i didn’t burst into flames or anything. sure, my heart rate might jump for a bit, i might feel a bit sweaty/nauseous for a couple minutes. but then i swallow it and continue on my path.  by going through Fear instead of doing a 180 away from it, i can continue moving forwards instead of backwards. i can grow and progress, not stagnate. and another hard lesson i’ve learned is that the stagnation from avoiding my life has arguably caused me the most pain, far more than the fear of life itself. 

i isolated myself from my friends (missing one of their weddings which i have to try to not beat myself up about for the rest of my life). i stalled in my education. i was cut off socially, emotionally because i was in denial, and going nowhere. 

so i think i’ve just reached a point where anything is better than this. than a lonely, unfulfilled future where i reach none of my potential. on my deathbed all i’d feel is profound disappointment. and to that idea my gut reaction is HELL NO. is this what they mean about actually hitting rock bottom, even though i felt like i’ve hit it countless times before?

because now, i am finally willing to fight for what i want even if it’s the hardest thing i’ll ever do. once school starts, my days are gonna be long as hell. work during the day, and schoolwork on evenings/weekends, so logistically i need to make my life flow to accommodate how hectic my schedule will become. i’ll do so with the following steps:

gonna clean my apartment and car to stepford-levels of cleanliness (in progress, about 50% done). will also go on an organizing spree. i’m generally a neat person, but it could always be better you know? my state of mind is usually amplified by the state of my surroundings, so that’s one of the best ways to help myself.

gonna stock up on non-perishables/cat supplies/toiletries to keep effort spent on grocery shopping and errands to a minimum from september to december. 

gonna nail down a healthy meal prep routine so i can properly fuel my carcass through everything. cereal for dinner won’t cut it anymore.

in general, i will develop solid self-care routines in the areas of sleep, fitness (will work in occasional exercise where i can to let off steam), food, and giving myself mental breaks. again, this will keep me from losing my shit. 

this is my 4 point plan, and notice how little of it has to do with school itself. but i know that if i take care of myself properly, i can ground myself enough to get through anything. 

studying, homework, going to class, the pressure of exams...i feel confident, finally, that i can take all of it on. in fact, i’m starting to feel my old competitive spark slowly coming to life again, and i’m tempted to say bring it on.

and sure, Fear isn’t going anywhere. i haven’t vanquished it or anything. far from it; it’s still right there, making my chest tight when it gets really bad. but what’s changed is that i’m not afraid of Fear itself anymore. that is a huge distinction i’ve had to make, and it’s taken me years to get here. it’s much easier to do The Thing and confront Fear while doing so, rather than avoid both The Thing and Fear altogether. because that way of life was miserable for me, whereas option 1 will actually yield results. and weirdly enough...avoiding Fear doesn’t even make you like, less afraid or anything. what the hell?

so, after years of struggling and cowering and letting myself off easy for everything, it’s that simple. i’ve boiled my approach down to something weirdly logical and direct, because i’m over this shit, to put it elegantly. i will enthusiastically and unabashedly go after what i want in life, and when Fear inevitably pops up on occasion, as it always will, i’ll acknowledge it with a nod or a small dab (lol), and then continue doing what i was doing. i can be afraid without letting it paralyze me. fear isn’t really able to stop my body from doing what i want it to, i can actually smash my way through that mental barrier. i think that is what is at the core of the concept of bravery, and anybody is capable of it (yes i got that from soul eater, a life-changing message). 

so i simultaneously feel insanely motivated and driven for the first time in years, and also scared as shit. it’s the strangest feeling, a kind of nervous euphoria. but it’s okay. knowing that if i just trust the process and take things a day at a time, i will get to where i want to be eventually; that makes it so much easier. in my mind, this lends incredible significance to every little step along this journey. keeping good work habits and taking care of myself are what it’s going to take, and truly understanding that every Good thing i do for myself, even the tiniest thing, is what will get me there one day. it removes resistance from my thought process, and resistance is usually what gets me to cave, and run away. it makes every difficult, necessary step worth it to me, and that is what fuels me.  

so ultimately, my conclusion is this: i’m just going to have to get strong enough to carry my fear with me throughout the whole journey and use it to fuel me, instead of letting it pin me in one place for the rest of my life. and that’s the thing: invariably, over time, the relative burden of that weight decreases as you get stronger. 

so knowing that, how could i not just charge forward like a maniac, fear be damned? because the truth is that i can overcome it in the present moment with enough effort, and in time, it won’t take anywhere near the same amount of effort. pain is always temporary, so i don’t need to fear it right? i just have to use pain, and Fear of pain, and that’s the promise i’m making to myself as i attempt to close an unpleasant chapter in my life. 

i’m finally getting back my drive, my spark, when for so long i just tried to convince myself i didn’t actually want the things that i did. i thought that my goals were unobtainable, that i was too weak or incompetent to achieve them, so i may as well convince myself i didn’t even want them in the first place. isn’t that sad? it really is, and i’m trying to reflect on Past Me with compassion, instead of frustration for all the lost time and unhappiness. it won’t change anything, and i want nothing more than to move forward. because one day, it will all have been worth it. 

[classic-rock-roller]

1. Randy’s left on tour with Ozzy and you’re up in Northern California with Crue recording an album with them as a featured artist. You’re with Nikki in a store picking up energy drinks when he comes up to you with a magazine. “You may want to see this.” You look at it and it says that there’s been speculation from an ‘anonymous source’ that Kevin and Bonham are having an affair while you and Randy are away. Do you believe the article and how do you respond?

Of course, I don’t believe the article. I know Kevin and Bonham. Their close friends but not romantically attracted to each other, plus Bonham loves Randy too much to ever cheat on him. “I don’t believe it plus its the Inquirer you can never trust those guys they just print crack.” 

2. You’re working on your collaboration with QR, and you are sitting with Bonham, Randy, and Kevin, trying to work out the solo section. Randy and Bonham are talking about where to have tension and release in the chord progression and at one point Kevin says, “Mm, sexy. I love tension.” Randy ignores him and Bonham rolls her eyes. How do you respond?

“Could you stop your stupid sexual comments all the time? It’s fucking annoying. I had to grow up with it and I don’t feel like hearing it at work.”

3. You’re staying in a terrible hotel on a road trip with Kevin, Randy, and Bonham. You’re coming out of the shower and you see Bonham hiding under a blanket, Kevin shouting out the window, and Randy on the phone with the front desk. What happened to cause this mess and how do you respond?

I look on the ground to find a gun and what I think to be a hand but I’m not sure. “Jesus fucking Christ. What the fuck is that?!” 

4. Your band is in a meeting with your manager after the GNR tour to try to decide your next move. Your manager knows how badly the tour went, and that you have received crazy death threats from Axl. The first suggestion out of his mouth is for you to have just Axl return and appear as a featured artist. You’re sitting in stunned silence but Bonham just says, “Are you high or just incredibly stupid?” How does your band and the manager respond?

Manager: I am neither. I’m trying to find the best way to make you money.

Me: That’s also hazardous to our health. Did you not see the message he sent to my house? Where my one-year-old son is?

Erik: I don’t like him. No. 

Linus: We’re ok. We don’t need that much money. 

Daryl: I don’t know I could use that much money. 

5. Your band is out with Crue one night to celebrate the conclusion of your collaboration album, and Kevin and Randy stayed home because you got tired of Kevin hovering. Nikki’s been nothing but nice to you, which is good. You’re mostly talking to him, and Bonham’s become good friends with Vince. He’s been buying her drinks all night, and you notice her acting funny. She says to you, “I want to go home, I don’t feel right.” Nikki responds for you, “Just a minute, I’m right in the middle of a story.” She kind of nods and sits back down, but once Nikki finishes his story, she and Vince are nowhere in sight. You ask Mick where they went and he says, “She wasn’t looking so good so I think Vince was taking her home. I’m not really sure though, but I know they’re not here.” What do you do, and how do Nikki and Tommy respond?

Me: “I don’t trust Vince in a car. He’s been drinking.”

Nikki: “They're fine. I promise.”

Tommy: “Yeah, he didn’t drink too much.” 

I go out t the parking lot anyway to find Bonham and Vince and tell Vince I’m taking Bonham home. 

6. Kevin’s said a million times that he hates your cat Nikki, but one day you come home and he’s cuddling with him. “I thought you said you hated the cat.” How does he respond?

“Well, the fucking cat sat on my chest and wouldn’t leave and then he started purring and he’s just so fucking cute.” “Mmmhmm, yeah you hate him soooooo much.”

7. Your sister and Axl keep seeing each other even though literally everyone is explicitly against it. You haven’t talked to either one of them because you don’t approve for about a month when you get a phone call from your sister. You hand the phone to Bonham. “I don’t want to deal with her, you do it.” Bonham answers the phone, and the conversation sounds serious. Once she hangs up, she says, “Your sister said Axl got her pregnant. She hasn’t told anyone because she doesn’t know what they’ll say and she doesn’t want him to leave her.” What do you do?

“I’m going to fucking kill him.” After Bonham talks me down, We go see my sister and we talk options. She wants to keep the baby and she decides to tell Axl. She does and before he can say anything I say, “Now you look. I may not like you, but you made me an aunt. So you best be taking care of my sister and your kid or so help me god I will hunt you down and make your life a living hell.” 

8. You and Kevin are watching a movie with Bonham and Randy. Bonham is eating chips when Randy says, “I love you so much.” She doesn’t even look up and she says, “You should I’m a damn miracle.” Randy laughs and says, “You’re sure confident.” How do you and Kevin respond?

Kevin, gagging: God do you two ever stop flirting?! 

Me: Oh stop, it’s cute. 

9. Kevin’s sick of you hanging out with Nikki, so to try to make you jealous, he starts to hang out with Bonham a lot. She’s a little oblivious to what exactly he’s doing, so she just kinda goes along with it. Randy takes notice and immediately goes to you. “I don’t know what you told Kevin, but he’s been all over Bonham and she can’t see it, so what are we going to do?” How do you respond and what happens next?

Me: “He’s like that because he’s jealous of all the time I spend with Nikki and he’s too blind with jealousy to know I only love him. We’ll just let Bonham down easy that he’s doing it to make me jealous, which is childish and pisses me off.”

We tell her and she gets annoyed with Kevin and then Kevin and I have a serious talk where I tell him he has no need to be jealous. I never liked Nikki in that way and never will. 

10. After the bar is finally closed and the gentlemen who were playing have left, Randy is talking to the sax player and they won’t shut up. After a while Kevin shouts out, “Come on, Randy, we gotta go!” Randy’s response to that is to say to the sax player,” We’re on a road trip and we’re about to go up to Wyoming, you wanna come with us?” How does she respond and what do you and Kevin say?

Sax player: Of course, that sounds awesome! 

Me: Great! It’ll be fun having you on our adventure...Bonham. I’m calling you Bonham from now on. 

Kevin: Why Bonham? But it’s great to have you aboard. 

11. You’re working on a song for your collab with Crue, and Bonham asks if she could sing for this song. “I’m not trying to steal your thunder, BabyCarrot, I just really like this one, Nikki’s good at writing.” Before you can respond, Tommy says, “Yeah right, funny joke Bonham. You couldn’t sing to save your life.” He’s just making assumptions to be a dick. How do you respond?

“Tommy, stop being a fucking dick. And don’t snicker it’s not funny.” 

--------------------

1) You and your singer have signed your two sons up for soccer. While at their games, you, Randy, and your singer always sit on the grass and watch while Kevin runs ups and down the field. “Come on, Mal, Will, pick up the pace! Make that goal! Steal the ball! Go, go, go!” Many of the other parents give him looks. How do you, Randy, and your singer react and how do your kids usually react?

2) You and Kevin take your kids back to school shopping. Your singer usually does it with you but she has to work the day you had it planned so Kevin comes with instead. He didn’t realize it took this long and halfway through goes, “Oh my god, why do they need so much stuff? They don’t need this much fucking stuff for school. A notebook and a pencil should be fine.” How do you respond?

3) Mal decides to take up an instrument but your singer and Kevin don’t tell you what until you come over for dinner one night. When you get there, you can hear Mal practicing the recorder. Kevin goes, “Oh, we love the recorder!” Your singer adds, “It’s so loud!” How do you and Randy respond?

4) You and your singer take Randy and Kevin to a PTA Meeting for your kids' school. It’s extremely boring and about halfway through Kevin jumps and screams, “Who the fuck cares about any of this unless it directly affects the children's education? I don’t really want to hear how you installed a new crosswalk in the parking lot or a new lightbulb in the gymnasium.” How do you, Randy, and your singer respond and what does the rest of the PTA say?

5) You’re celebrating your birthday with Randy, Kevin, your singer and four-year-old Mal and two-year-old Will. You’re just about to blow out the candles when Mal asks to join you. You, of course, let him and your singer gets a really cute picture of the two of you. After you blow them out, Kevin jokingly says, “Oh, we forgot to tell you Mal’s sick.” How do you, Randy, and your singer respond?

6) Your singer has brought you, Randy, and Kevin to a family picnic to meet her family. You’re sitting at the table with her uncle and a few other people and her uncle says, “After losing all that weight I can finally see it again.” Your singer’s face screws up and she says, “Eww, I didn’t really need that mental picture right now...or ever.” How do you, Randy, and Kevin respond?

7) You, your singer, Randy, and Kevin are walking along the street and you and your singer are eating ice-cream. Your ice-cream falls off your cone and you say, “Oh fuck me.” Randy says behind you, “At least let me take you out to dinner first.” How do you, your singer, and Kevin respond?

8) Your singer’s neighbors are over at her family’s picnic and she’s holding their eight-month-old son and dancing around with him while his mom is eating. You’re sitting next to Kevin and Randy and your hear Kevin whisper, “God, she’ll make a great mother to our kids one day.” How do you and Randy respond?

9) Your singer brings her sister and Axl’s baby to one of your recording sessions with Crüe because she’s babysitting him. She’s holding him and singing Ten Seconds to Love to him, and Nikki leans over her shoulder to look at the baby. You look over at Kevin and if his look could kill, Nikki would be dead. What do you say to Kevin and how does he respond and how does Kevin react to Nikki being that close to your singer?

10) Your singer Dj’s one night a week at her old college radio station. One day she takes you and Kevin with her to the station and says, “Ok, even though it’s after ten, you can’t say fuck, cunt or another word I can’t remember. Otherwise, the station gets fined and I may be taken off the air.” How do you and Kevin respond?

11) Your singer is dreading her high school reunion. She doesn’t want to go, mostly because you have a concert right after, but you make her go anyway. You dress for the concert before going to the reunion. Your singer is super nervous but the minute she goes in she takes her name tag, places it on, flips everyone off and says, “I was here. I am now leaving. Have a good night!” Before she turns around and leaves the ballroom. How do you and her class respond? 

@osbournebemydaddy   your move Bonham, love       

[cardboard-moon]

40 Things You Never Wanted To Know About Me

You probably already know me decently well or else you wouldn’t be reading this, so instead of rehashing the basic (boring) “getting to know me” questions I dug a little deeper and asked myself about what’s really important. Here is the result: 40 Things You Never Wanted To Know About Me. Enjoy!

1. What Parks and Rec character am I?

While I could argue for almost everyone on the show I’m probably most like Ben Wyatt: a white, brunette, and sad man who eats soup alone on a park bench (minus his love of math and rollerskate kink)

2: Top 5 books?

To Kill a Mockingbird, The Secret History, A Prayer for Owen Meany, The Help, 11/22/63

3: Top 5 movies?

Chinatown, Star Wars, Rear Window, National Treasure (nick cage can be good in small doses ok) and Nancy Drew (2007)

4: Top 5 shows?

Parks and Rec, B99, That 70′s Show, Mad Men, Arrested Development

5: Top 10 most iconic vines?

1) Chris is that a weed/Mary is that a police

2) Hi My Name is Trey I have A Basketball Game Tomorrow

3) Rebecca It’s Not What You Think

4) The one where the girl is just hitting elmo with a baseball bat

5) Anything Kermit but esp. the one where he falls off the building

6) You Know This Boy Got His Free Taco

7) 2 Bros Chillin in the Hot Tub

8) Waelcom to my Keeetchen we have bananis and avocadis

9) Whoever Threw That Paper Your Mom’s A Hoe

10) i spilled lipstick in your valentino bag (yOU SPILLED WHAHULAUG LIPSTICK IN MY VALENTINE WHITE BAG)

6: Where do I see myself in 21 years?

One of my dreams in life is to marry the heir to a prestigious winery out in wine country. I have a vision of myself at 39, waking up at 10 AM on a tuesday and standing on my private balcony in my state-of-the-art spanish stucco villa. i am drinking a chardonnay despite the early hour whilst i observe my grape empire in my silk negligee. the only event planned for the day is a portrait sitting for my rottweilers (4 of them), for which i have arranged spaces in the family’s private art gallery. i am aging well despite the harsh california sun and my partner and i have a trip to tuscany planned for the fall. it’s a charmed life and i never tire of eating grapes  

7: Top 5 favorite cryptids

1) Nessie (Nessie is a true lady I believe in her)

2) Mothman (not real)/ el chupacabra (possibly real)

3) the kraken (definitely real)

4) Bigfoot (not real but a legend anyways)

5) the yeti (real only in russia)

8: Do I Believe in Ghosts

It’s a complicated topic and of course we will likely never know for sure but the short answer is yes. in my opinion though, what ghosts are is the important question: are they really the dead coming back to haunt the earth? are they just manifestations of energy that the mind interprets into recognizable shapes? hallucinations? or is it wish fulfillment and the reduction of tensions on a heavy conscience? our brains are capable of powerful things, but it begs the question as to whether if a human desperately wants something to be true does the human mind have the power to make it true? c. s. lewis mentioned once that he never understood the ghost debate since, given that ghosts are real, they have no real power over us or anything interesting to say. but i believe that just goes to show how the mystery is far often more important than the solution.

9: Best/Worst Month of the Year

Best: May/November (spring/fall in full swing, holidays, time off school, great atmosphere) Worst: August (too dang hot & start of school)

10: What is one of my embarrassing secrets

I didn’t learn how to tie my shoes until I was nine (velcro ftw)

11: What is my Dream Date

We go cryptid hunting in the woods and have a picnic in the dark; you supply dogs for entertainment and guardianship purposes, i supply drinks and the cryptozoological myths we are chasing. Afterwards we get gelato

12: Top 3 Presidents

(this is based solely on arbitrary opinion not policies) 1) Barry Obama 2) Lincoln  3) Millard Fillmore (his name is funny) 

Honorable mention: jimmy carter (he was the only noncorrupt man in office for like 30 years before barry)

13: Top 3 Vice Presidents

1) John Adams, if nothing else but for the drama this man caused 2) Walter Mondale 3) the big boy JB 

Honorable Mention: Nichard Rixon

14: Top 3 Secretaries of State

1) Madeline Albright 2) Henry Clay 3) Elihu P. Washburn 

(note: secretaries of state have the funniest names, like Hamilton Fish (1869-1877) rest easy Mr. Fish)

15: Worst Activity they make you do in middle school PE

Middle school P.E. is the worst in general but I’m going to say either grading you on your shotput skills (?) or BMI (??) or just the tuesday run in general (luther kids know)

16: Top 4 Worst Scents

1) Washing a knife covered in peanut butter 2) Really cheap perfume that they sell in checkout lines at convenience stores 3) Olives 4) organic deodorant

17: Top 7 Conspiracy Theories

1) The Denver Airport is an underground military fallout shelter designed to protect the 1% from nuclear warfare

2) A Roman pope adjusted the Gregorian calendar so that his reign would fall on 1000 AD so we’re actually living in the year 1783

3) Paul McCartney is dead and was replaced prior to the Seargant Pepper album by a lookalike named Billy Shears

4) The state of Wyoming is a myth

5) Avril Lavigne died and was replaced back in the early 00’s

6) The Titanic sank because too many people went back in time to prevent it from sinking

7) Not to be cliche George Bush and the military-industrial complex orchestrated the 9/11 attacks (jet fuel can’t melt steel beams and all that)

18: Inside jokes with myself

I’m not usually a “gamer” but every year without fail someone introduces me to a game exactly at finals time and I get hooked and it ruins my gpa and study habits. This year it’s Stardew Valley, last year it was Dream Daddy and the year before that it was undertale and I blame Jojo for absolutely all of it bc they are usually the instigator. Anyway, every year I joke with myself about what game will derail my grades this year

19: Top 5 Worst Tactile Sensations

1) Putting tights or leggings on wet, hairy legs post-shower

2) Running fingernails along cardboard

3) Sweating in a turtleneck

4) Having wet, salty hair after swimming that drips down onto your back and makes the top of your shirt damp

5) Reaching into a bag of grapes and only finding really soft, slimy ones

20: Best Cat I’ve ever encountered

One time my friend and I were leaving Romancing the Bean and walking back to her car and the fattest, fluffiest, softest ginger cat I’ve ever seen came trotting up to us and flopped over at our feet. He was such a good boy!!! And so friendly with strangers!! He was very well groomed and just wanted some love, and whenever we stopped petting him he would jump up onto our legs and leave little wet paw prints everywhere, I wanted to kidnap him

21: Best dog I’ve ever encountered

All of them

22: Best squirrel I’ve ever encountered

My dad has befriended a squirrel named Nutty that likes to sneak into his office when the door’s open and steals peanuts. if the door is closed he’ll bang on it and scream until we acknowledge him

23: If I were a furry what would my fursona be

I do not know because I am not a furry. HOWEVER someone who is well-versed in furry matters told me once that I would be one of those long, nervous dogs like a greyhound maybe and tbh I could see it

24: Favorite/Least Favorite Disneyland Rides

My favorite has always been haunted mansion, except for the halloween season when it’s nightmare before christmas and then it’s thunder mountain. I just love the outside atmosphere of the house bc I’m a slut for that southern gothic architecture style. Worst is splash mountain because there’s no seatbelt and LOGICALLY i know I don’t need one but it doesn’t stop me from having a panic attack every time I get on and we go up the big hill as I worry about being flung from the toboggan across the park

25: Least favorite restaurant within 10 mile radius of my house

I live over by Porto’s so I am #blessed to be surrounded by some really dope food. However there is a hipster place a couple of blocks over in Toluca Lake that only serves bizarre food like fried chicken in maple syrup with waffle fries and it’s surprisingly bland, so the lack of taste combines with how expensive it is probably makes it the worst (it’s also forgettable bc I can’t even remember its name)

26: Rank of JBHS history department according to how good of a parent they would be

9.Mr. Bixler - I have never had this man so I can’t say shit. NA/10

8. Ms. Snowden - I’ve never had her either but I’ve heard enough about her between Burroughs and Luther to know that this woman is kind of scary, intimidating and uptight, all things I personally do not desire in a parent. 2/10

7. Mr. Hatch - I love Scott Hatch but he is a tremendous mess of a man. Judging by his wife’s instagram photos his idea of parenting is taking naps while cuddling his children and letting his wife do the rest of the hard work. Plus he seems like the type to be too wrapped up in his own melodrama and too busy hangin out with his best friend Edward Frankenbush playing Xbox to pay much attention to his kids. However, he did skip the first day of school to take his daughter to kindergarten so he gets points for that. 4/10

6. Mr. Lee - Mr. Lee is a very respectable guy who seems like he does a very good job providing for his family. He’s ranked as middle of the road because he’s a naturally private person so I can’t speak to his parenting tactics or personality much, however the few stories he shared about his daughter were very cute and he does the typical teacher/parent things like making her his screensaver on his computer. Overall, a very quality dad and man, 6.5/10

5. Mr. Fitz - Kyle Fitzgerald is similarly a mess of a man, but the difference between him and Scott Hatch is that he seems to make an investment in his kid. He always talks about current events in terms of what idiocy his poor daughter will have to put up with which shows his devotion to her well-being and survival in a confusing world. Also he brought her in to go swimming once while I was working at Verdugo and I got to see them having a great time on the splash pad and it warmed my heart. Great dad 7/10

4. Mr. Piper - Richard Piper is such a good father but in a detached way. He loves talking about his son and wife just as much as he loves talking about planes. The real kicker? When he talks about taking his son ON planes and geeking out over history together. He also asked all of his classes for people looking for tutoring work when his son was struggling in math which is so cute. Good guy Rick gets an 8/10.

2. (tie) Mr. Frankenbush and Ms. Hacker - Ed and Jan are both beautiful people. I know Ms. Hacker is #divisive but I personally am a big fan and would die to have her guidance in my daily life. She’s always interested in what’s going on in people’s lives and sure she’s definitely chaotic but it’s a loving chaos that’s only looking to help other people. I’ve not had the pleasure of having Mr. Frankenbush but he always is hanging out with his son Joey and they love coming to the Burroughs pool and playing water polo together; they spend a lot of time together since his wife works so much and they have such a buddy friendship. Both of these lovely people are super devoted and invested in the youth and would make great parents. 9/10

1. Mr. Clark - A god. We don’t deserve this man and I can’t sing his praises enough. Were were all lucky enough to be Greg’s children I don’t think evil would exist in the world. 11/10

27: Worst book I read for school

Hands down Tale of Two Cities since it’s the only one I’ve never finished. Dickens just doesn’t do it for me I guess plus I get really tired of the one dimensional characters and how much he romanticizes Lucy

28: Favorite little-known tidbit of history

When Richard Nixon went to Soviet Russia as Eisenhower’s VP during the cold war his secret service agents detected higher than usual amounts of radiation coming from Nixon’s hotel room, so they started talking loudly about it bc they knew the Soviets had planted buds and were listening. Within like an hour the radiation had vanished and they never heard anything about it again so man Soviet’s ain’t sly

29: 5 Places in Burbank That Are Definitely Haunted

1. Coral Cafe for obvious reasons, look up the ghost on youtube

2. The View seems like it would have some kind of el chupacabra-esque creature prowling around, maybe a mountain lion hybrid

3. Fry’s Electronics

4. The abandoned train station under the bridge

5. The LA river by the equestrian center

30: Rank of all the AP classes i took in order of entertainment value

9) AP Bio: I liked bio but the class wasn’t very entertaining. There’s not a lot of humor in bacteria and cells, and Mr. Van Loo is much more of a calming than a humorous and chaotic presence, so overall it takes the hit as the least entertaining class.

8) AP Stats: Math is similarly not very entertaining, but Mrs. Hollingshed’s erratic personality gives it the edge over Bio. Definitely more humorous than expected of a math class.

7) AP Econ: I bombed econ and business/money isn’t very entertaining but Jan Hacker made it so thanks to her chaos (love her though).

6) AP Euro: European history is incredibly iconic because, spoiler alert, Europeans are idiots and historically speaking everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. I just wish I remember it since I think idiot sophomore Lily slept through most of the class so needless to say I didn’t soak up much of the entertainment value. If it were up to me I’d take it over again and maybe stay awake this time.

5) AP Lit: Lit was just as much challenging and intimidating as it was entertaining, so it balances out. Mrs. Caluya is notably iconic and the books we read were all pretty interesting so it gets a high vote from me.

3) (tie) Gov/APUSH: History is always entertaining in my eyes since people do stupid things out of pettiness. These two tie for different reasons: Mr. Piper is a great teacher and that mock trial we did for the industrial age was great, but the subject was also extremely entertaining overall. I loved reading about how John Adams made making fun of him illegal. Gov was mostly just entertaining because of Mr. Hatch and how salty his is about the government. His sarcastic comments about how corrupt everything is gave life to an otherwise pretty lifeless subject.

2) AP Lang: aka the class with no curriculum, or the Kuglen Hour. I love Mr. Kuglen so much and he is responsible for 99% of the amusement in the class. I somehow learned how to be a better writer by listening to him complain about Trump and everything else under the sun for an hour every day so it was well worth it. Also who doesn’t like a class where you read Dave Sedaris for homework?

1) AP Psych: Without question, this is the epitome of entertainment. Psychology is just a mishmash of people trying to figure out why humans are as stupid as we are and why we do dumb things. Add in all the iconic psychologists and history and a class led by salty Mr. Hatch and you have a recipe for an entertaining year.

31: Top 5 Iconic JBHS teachers that I NEVER had (no particular order)

Mr. Peebles: A quirky man who I would have loved were I any good at math whatsoever

Mr. Arakelian: Band kids hate him but the stories I hear are so frickin iconic that I wish I could be an honorary band kid for a day and see the horror firsthand. If you have Arakelian stories please send them my way I’d love to hear about your pain

Mr. Frankenbush: A sad boi who everyone should get to experience and I regret never having.

Dr. Madooglu: He was so kind to me after the failed anti-trump lunchtime protest last year and he didn’t even know me. I wish I could’ve experienced him as a teacher.

Mr. Clark: The man, the myth, the legend

32: List of some iconic swim horror stories

Charlie breaking his hand after he lost a race and punched the gutter as hard as he could

Some idiot JV boys smearing poop all over the Burbank High locker room

The entire JV team getting Burroughs swim banned from Islands

Me almost passing out at the Los Amigos meet last year after I didn’t eat or sleep all day

Everyone always feigning illness or injury to get out of swimming the 4x100 relay

Getting in trouble for watching boys volleyball practice instead of doing the weight room sets

Every. Single. 5AM morning practice before school.

When coach martin finally figured out how periods work and suddenly we couldn’t use that as an excuse for not swimming anymore

33: What Office Character Would I Be

A mix between Angela, Oscar, and Kelly (we love our dramatic icons)

34: #1 Thing I’d Bring With Me to a Desert Island

Castaway for instructional purposes

35: What Would I call my memoir

Schadenfreude

36: 7 Best Buzzfeed Unsolved Episodes (no particular order)

This is one of my favorite shows so these are my recommendations:

1. 3 Horrifying Cases of Ghosts and Demons - one of the very first and best episodes; a 45-minute special where the Boys investigate the Winchester house in San Francisco, the Island of the Dolls in Mexico, and the Sallie House in Kansas

2. The Strange Disappearance of D. B. Cooper - A man going by the name of Dan Cooper hijacked a plane, demanded money and passage to Mexico, and then at some point jumped out of the plane and was never seen again. To this day no one knows his identity or his fate despite some of the ransom money turning up in a river somewhere.

3. The Haunted Halls of Waverly Hills Hospital - Ryan and Shane explore an abandoned asylum in Pennsylvania and some creepy stuff ensues. One of the best supernatural episodes

4. The Thrilling Gardner Museum Heist - An almost hilarious story (with reenactments!) about a seriously inept security guard and the loss of some of the world’s most beloved paintings. This was one of the first episodes after they started making money and the production quality is off the charts 

5. The Scandalous Murder of William Desmond Taylor - Another excellent reenactment story about one of Hollywood’s first and biggest scandals, the suspicious murder of a leading film producer.

6. The Enigmatic Death of the Isdal Woman - A woman’s body was found suspiciously burned in the European wilderness and no one knows who she is or how exactly she was killed. Watch if you like espionage!

7. The Strange Killing of Ken Rex McElroy - An entire town seemingly rose up to murder a douchey, violent pedophile. One of the only episodes that’s actually happy?

37: 6 Things I would Have Changed About High School

1. Definitely would have joined yearbook as soon as I could

2. Wouldn’t have forced myself to swim for all 4 years; if the passion’s gone then you shouldn’t force it. It’s just a sign that you need to move on to better things

3. I would’ve taken more AP’s and maybe tried another stem ap class. I’ve always been self-conscious about how bad I am at math, but I’ve gotten a little better over the years and instead of being too afraid to challenge myself I would’ve liked to see how I could do and prove myself.

4. Worrying less about grades!! I killed myself over my grades for like three years and then I just kind of let myself go. I would have let myself have who knows how many more hours of sleep and taken the L on a couple of assignments; I’m still learning that my health is more important than perfection.

5. Meeting the right people! I wouldn’t have restricted myself to a few friends and would have branched out more by joinng stuff like JSA. It sucks meeting the right people your senior year and realizing that I was hanging out with the wrong people this whole time.

6. Spanish instead of French.

38: What Would I Name My Farm Animals if I had A Farm

I’d definitely name them all after female Shakespearian characters. My cows would be Hippolyta and Titania from Midsummer, my horse would be Desdemona from Othello, my chickens would be Gonereil, Regan, and Cordelia from King Lear and my goat would be named Gertrude from Hamlet

39: Most Useless Talent I Have

I have a really strong internal clock so when I don’t think about it too hard and guess intuitively I can usually predict how much time has passed/what time it is without looking at a clock. It’s really only useful for estimating how much time I wasted standing in the shower staring at the wall

40: Top Regret After Writing This:

Writing this instead of studying for my econ test in seven hours.

Thanks for reading!

[bittersot]

2020-12-17 pt

Wrote this to vent and it became much longer than planned:

So I've been feeling like shit since I was 13 cause around that time I got depression due to me ending up in a class with mostly new ppl(I had pretty much only gone to school with ppl who had known me since kindergarten until then), and at the age where me being autistic being very obvious to everyone around me and me feeling extremely othered and cut everyone off because of #fear due to social anxiety when I got singled out by my classmates, and I didn't know what was wrong with me, or that anything WAS inherently different abt me, I thought I had ADHD at age 17 and got diagnosed with that + Autism(which I didn't expect at all) right before I turned 19.

And inbetween the age of 13-17 I did a LOT of introspection to like, "solve" what I did wrong so I could get along with people again, and I realized that I fucking hated my dad and that he has raised me and my siblings to take criticism and bullying, because ever since I was little, whenever me or my siblings did something bad/wrong (cause we were KIDS lol) we were met with snide comments and made to feel bad for not knowing things, and learned to lash out and attack to "defend" ourselves because we felt that we had to, cause we were told our everything would attacked whenever anyone said anything ever. And that + RSD was NOT a good recipe for most of my life (and still affects me to this day).

I would compulsively lie because when you have ADHD you fuck up a LOT due to impulsiveness, and never learned how to back off and do things calmly cause admitting I was wrong was equal to admitting that I was worthless and would never make it on my own(my father has said this exact thing in swedish). And like, my mother never defended me and instead defended HIM by telling me that "old dogs can't learn new tricks" when I talked about how he invalidated my emotions and how he made fun of my little brother SPITTING on me and tried to play it off when he could tell I was clearly hurt because it made HIM uncomfortable to deal with.

He has clearly never actually wanted us kids and had us to make my mother happy but didn't actually think too much about actually raising us, much less that we'd be around for(at least) 20 years.

Anyways, so, my point is, I have wanted to move out for a WHILE, because my family have been terrible for my mental health and I can't stand eating with them cause I'm autistic and they are loud and it wears me out and everyone is competetive cause we were raised that way and all advice I offer to them in how to deal with their issues and what I can do to make shit easier for them is brushed off. I want to move out cause I've noticed that lately, when I am home alone with only my cat I feel as if I have SO much more free time, cooking went by fast and I felt like I had time to do everything I wanted, despite being at work 9 hours every day + transit to and from work taking roughly 1 hour itself. When I was alone I felt more comfortable to move around in the house, it's like when an option showed up, I still had issues with executive functioning and doing stuff immediately, but I did do it, and I've noticed that when the rest of the family is home, there is a 90% chance that whenver I am deciding on what to do(eat, shower, bake, draw, play video games etc) that I just end up going to my room and lying in my bed, not sleeping, but not really enjoying it either, I just, don't feel comfortable doing anything with them around, they tire me out.

So, I want to move out, but I just recently got my first job, and there is a LOT to do when caring for your own place, even if its an apartment run by.landlord, and, besides all that, I could NEVER live alone, I NEED to have at least 1 more roomate, and here's the thing: I cut off EVERYONE in highschool, I don't hang out/talk with anyone my age in Sweden. Not only that, I'm autistic, regulation deficit, bisexual and questioning my gender, and on top of all that, I am very opinionated, so to find someone who 1, is not ableist/homophobic/transphobic/racist, and 2, is very much like me in terms of morals and 3, can STAND being around me, I am going to need to be SUPER picky. And like, finding other LGBT people in Stockholm around my age alone is difficult, I've tried on social media and barely gotten anywhere, and lord knows I don't know my social places where others like me would hang out.

I've always been the black sheep of the family and I don't think my siblings don't have it hard, but they very much do not understand what it's like to have no one around IRL who you can trust completely, and they like to make fun of it. I've never told them about my neurodivergence, but at this point I would be genuinely surprised if they didn't at least expect it. The thing is, they shit on things I do because of it all the time, in front of my parents, who know I am neurodivergent, and they do nothing about it, because me defending myself is on the same level on them calling me weird for very obvious autistic traits that aren't in anyway harmful. And I do think my mom wants me to be happy, and wants to care for me, but I really do think that she also wishes I wasn't like this, and that she too would be happier if I moved out, or didn't even exist at all. This is where I start crying while writing this, ha ha ha.

Anyways, my little brother has made fun of me for being uncomfortable with him screaming ableist slurs specifically to bother me, and my sister calls me weird and annoying for not wanting to eat with the rest of the family(when they always yell and almost constantly argue), and outright said she doesn't want me to live here anymore, and I'm just. Tired. I agree with you, I don't want to be here, but you don't understand what it is like to not have anywhere to turn, you're always surrounded by friends and make sure to rub it in how weird it is for me not to be the same.

I don’t know what to do, I got a job, I got a goal, a degree I desire, and ideas as to who I want to be, what I want to do and who I want to surround myself with. I’ve tried looking, and I’m going to keep trying until I find the friends I can trust. I wrote all of this originally to quickly vent about how my little sister telling me she doesn’t want me here anymore feels like it has all come full circle in a way since I turned 13, seeing as she herself is 13 now. She’s absolutely being dramatic, I know that, but I also think she’s honest, I know she is, I think we all would be happier if I didn’t live here, but I know it wouldn’t solve the rest of the issues with this family, the way she thinks it would.

So to end it all, I posted about the hunger thing earlier today, so I guess I’ll leave something else here as well, because it made me realize how much I forget over the years. The only reason I get by is due to my OCs, I have no emotional intimacy with anyone else, but if I may say, I’m pretty good at understanding the complexity of individuals, and make up different scenarios in my head where I go through different things. Not that it can be compared to real beings, but being able to come out, handle rejection, deal with ableism, workout how to explain my desires and wants to others, have prevented me from stagnating over the years of this solitude, and I rely on them a lot, which I’m sure I’ll forget in 10 years if I’m still around by then. Well, anyways, this rant is now 7500 symbols long, as well as 2 google docs pages. so I’m going to end it here, future me, if you read this far, drink water and brush your teeth.

[crimsxnflxwerz]

Like The Dawn [ch.2]

Rating: Teen+ Summary: Sometimes it takes opening your eyes to find what you’re looking for.[ or Persephone gets reborn as a baby boy named Ryan, and Hades takes the human form Shane in a desperate attempt to find his love once again. ] Pairing: Ryan/Shane Tags: greek mythology, Hades and Persephone, reincarnation, oblivious Hades is oblivious, memory loss Author Note: This is both my own take on the classic Greek myth of Hades and Persephone and how reincarnation in Gods work and such. Original ideas stemming heavily from mythological texts.

ps. i changed Ryan to a transguy when i edited the story for a03, so that’s canon now! hope it doesn’t turn anyone off ;;v;;. also, Sara’s in the fic because she deserves to be in ever fic. happy thanksgiving!

Ryan was drowning.

Maybe drowning wasn’t the best word for it. He’d been walking along the dark shore of a vast, choppy river, bare feet walking delicately on thousands of small, round pebbles. The horizon was a white light that bled up into a black sky like a watercolor painting. There were no stars, no moon, no sounds but the waves lapping at the rocks. He’d been walking for miles, but he wasn’t tired. He’s been watching the water for hours, but the image hadn’t changed. The light stayed the same, the air remained chill, the darkness absolute.

And he had walked into the water like it was the most normal thing he could have been doing. As soon as his foot touched the water, it felt like he’d been bitten. Like a thousand teeth were piercing his skin. The water physically recoiled, moving as a single body, steam hissing upward.

He wasn’t drowning. Drowning would imply accident. This was no accident. He’d stepped into that black water to die, and that had been that. He could remember why he had done what he did, what he was escaping, but the pain in his chest outweighed the fear of the water. There was a voice in his ear.

“Once you do this, you cannot go back,” it said. “Unless he finds you, you may not return to what you once were.”

Ryan heard the words, but held his resolve. Eventually the water engulfed him, and he opened his mouth, letting it in. It felt heavy, and cold, but he couldn’t leave now. He’d made his choice, and that was to die.

The last thing he heard was a name, his name he thought, but it said, “Persephone.”

Ryan jolted awake. He looked around his bedroom, eyes scanning frantically for his clock. His eyes located it on the floor, probably knocked over at some point in the night. It’s neon blue digital numbers read 3:30 am. Sweat was covering his entire body, soaking through his pajama shirt and into his pillow. He threw the covers back away from his legs and sat up on the side of his bed.

Another dream about it. He stood shakily and went to turn his shower on. Another dream about drowning. He peeled his pajamas off and tossed them in his laundry basket as he waited for the water to warm up. What could the dreams mean, he thought, staring at himself in the mirror. He ran his fingertips along the thin surgery scars on his chest. They were pale enough by now to not be very noticeable. Maybe the dreams were from the shots. It didn’t make much sense, but he figured he might as well look it up later.

He hopped into the shower and washed all the sweat off his body, the hot water pouring down on his shoulders, loosening up his muscles. Despite having a general fear of water, he loved showers. He figured since you couldn’t drown in a shower, that it was relatively safe. They look less time, too. If he was feeling particularly timid about water one day, he could just get in and out and still feel clean.

Ryan had held a fear of water and drowning since he was a baby. His mother used to only fill the tub up an inch or else he would start screaming and crying. She had no idea why he would be afraid of the water, they both agreed that nothing had happened to him to justify the fear.

In middle school, Ryan’s friends liked to joke that he had died by drowning in a past life. Although he didn’t believe in that kind of thing, he always found himself feeling forlorn or lonely whenever the subject was brought up. And now, living on his own, the idea continued to haunt him, but this time through vivid nightmares.

Though he had a fear of water, it didn’t hinder his other loves. He loved exploring, writing, and filming. The first thing he did with his new laptop was set up his own Youtube channel. He only had his laptop camera, but he would talk for hours about conspiracy theories and things that he found on his many nature walks. He wasn’t very good at cutting his videos down, since he thought everything was pretty important, but he learned through trial and error. Then he got his first camcorder for his 16th birthday. It was small, but unlike his laptop camera, he could take it with him on his journeys. He documented everything he could, the videos gaining some more viewers now that the video wasn’t just of him.

He wasn’t bad looking, but it could get boring watching just someone’s face for almost an hour.

Today, he would be filming again before he went to work. Since graduating college, he hadn’t gotten any kinda job that really went along with his major. It was hard to find work in film, especially if the thing you wanted to film was myths, ghosts, and local legends. His job was to take calls and transfer information. Basically, a secretary. He wasn’t mad about it though. It wasn’t a hard job, it paid for his new recording gear, and it had good hours.

He got out of the shower and threw on some flannel, jeans, and boots. He wanted to go out in the woods today. He’d been researching fae and other mythical creatures that hung around wooded areas recently. In fact, he’d been kind of into reading mythology, too. It wasn’t that he thought the stories were real, they were too fantastic, too magic. Ryan did believe in some unexplainable things, but there had to be at least a little logic to it.

He was mostly interested in things like fairy rings. His mother had told him once that they were active spiritual zones, and they were caused by tiny spirits sleeping on the Earth. She said that she wasn’t sure if they were good or bad, they just were. He was hoping to find some of those today, maybe study them further.

As he walked from his apartment, he felt deep inside him that something about today was just—off. For lack of a better term. He wasn’t quite sure what was going to be off about it, maybe his gut was just fooling him or something. He held fast to his camera bag as he waited for the bus. He wasn’t in a bad part of town, but the bad feeling was making him a bit paranoid. He didn’t need to be in a bad part of town for something bad to happen, anyways. He sighed in relief when the bus pulled up and he paid with his bus pass.

The bus generally took him to work, so he felt a little out of place being so dressed down. At his job, he didn’t really need to wear a suit, but he did wear a button up and slacks, sometimes a tie. He looked around and saw that other people were wearing nicer things, carrying laptop bags and briefcases. He was glad that his stop wasn’t too far down the road.

Stepping off the bus brought on a sigh of relief. Ryan looked ahead, across the street, to the state park he had chosen to explore today. Along with the bone-deep fear of water, Ryan also had an uncanny relationship with nature. Ever since he was a child, both animals and plants have had connections with him. He could nurse any house plant back to health. Deer would approach him on his walks in the woods. Dogs and cats acted calmer around him, as if he had some kind of aura that spoke their language, like he was telling them that they were safe now. All the better for his journey in learning more about the world around him. He remembered once, when he didn’t have his camera, he had been approached by a fox. It sniffed his hand and trotted along behind him through his walk that day. It had been so magical, if only he’d caught it on camera.

He dug his camera out of the bag and flicked it on as he crossed the street. He figured he’d just take the first trail he saw, and soon spotted one that was marked with stones. As he stepped into the woods, the feeling from earlier came back, but he brushed it off yet again. There was no need to worry, right?

Sara: Do you wanna hang out at your place today?

Shane squinted at the screen of his phone. He looked at the clock, but remembered that he’d actually unplugged it last night, so it wasn’t on. Judging by the light outside, he’d have to guess that it was around noon. He rubbed his eyes with his fingertips and let out a small groan.

Six months. Six months, he’d been a human without going back down, even once. He’d never been in the overworld for this long at once. It was exhausting, really. As a human, in his human body, he needed to do things, like eat, and sleep. In the underworld, he never needed to do these things. Drink nectar for pleasure, bathe to pass time, and lay in his bed covered in furs to see if they still smell like her.  

Oh yes, he’d been in the overworld for six months, because he could have sworn he was getting close.

He wasn’t sure why he felt this way. There was no indication besides a tightness in his chest, an anxious feeling in his gut. His very soul reaching out, feeling hers reach back.

Shane: No, you know the rules. Corner café?

Since living in the overworld, Shane had discovered many things about humans. First of all, if you slip up and call yourself something like Hades, people don’t take you seriously. Shane did some searching on babynames.com to find an average kind of name for a male. Shane seemed like a pretty good name, and so that’s what he became. Eventually, it became natural to refer to himself as Shane, but in his slip up period, he hadn’t made any friends.

Well, he had made one friend.

Sara: okay fine… just so you know, your “rules” are dumb.

Sara was like a blessing. Shane had thought it was a good idea when he came up to the overworld to start his search via dating apps. Truthfully, he just didn’t know how or where to start searching, and he already had a curiosity about human dating, so he figured it wouldn’t hurt to try it out. He’d made a profile for himself, and the only person to actually respond and come through was Sara. They chatted online for hours at a time, and finally met up at a café.

Shane already knew that Sara wasn’t Persephone before they even physically met. He was sure that when he found her again, something in his chest would ignite. When he started messaging Sara, he’d been excited, but nothing seemed to click. They went on two dates before he told her this. Well, he told her that he didn’t think they were gonna work out, but followed it up with a friendship invitation, claiming he needed a friend because he was “new in town”. Sara had taken it really well, she almost seemed relieved when he asked if they could just be friends.

Shane: you know you like them ;) see you there.

Sara was interested in finding out more about him. She figured out quickly enough that he was looking for someone specific, not just anyone. Not someone he hadn’t met yet. Maybe it had been the faraway look in his eyes when his eyes happen to catch a bouquet of flowers. Maybe it was the desperate arch of his shoulders, always looking, head held up in search. Somehow, she knew, and she just wanted to help.

They were meeting today for coffee.

Shane threw on a flannel and sweater with jeans. Feeling comfortable, he grabbed his wallet and laptop bag. He discovered quite quickly that he couldn’t do much in the overworld without some form of currency, and apparently gold coins were a thing of the past, so he had to make due. He found a place that traded jewelry for cash, and happily traded some lesser crafts for enough money to live in the overworld. He left his apartment and walked down the street to the café to meet up with Sara. She lived closer to it, so she’d probably be there before him. He wondered if he should text her what he wanted, or just wait until he got there.

On his way to the café, he kept looking across the street at the state park. There was something about the park that was calling to him today. As he walked, the feeling grew stronger. He looked on curiously at the forest, wondering the world was trying to tell him something. If he did go into the park, what would he find there? The feeling was coming from an ancient part of him, one that has been searching for decades, for millennium, just to find her.

He managed to pull himself away for now, since he was nearly at the café, but it didn’t leave his mind.

The café door jingled when he entered, and he saw a girl life her head. She had short, curly hair was had been dyed a deep purple. She immediately beamed at him, waving him over. Shane came over and saw that she had a number on her table.

“Order something already?” he asked.

“Oh, don’t worry, I got you something,” she grinned. “You like tea, right?”

He blushed at the thoughtfulness. “Y-yeah, I love tea.”

“Oh! I’m glad I remembered, haha,” she said. “I got you tea. I figured, since I was already here…”

“That’s very nice of you,” he scratched the back of his neck. “Oh, how are you?”

Sara shrugged one shoulder and absently picked at a peeling bit of paint on the table. “Eh, I’m okay, better now that I have company!”

Shane moved his chair a little closer to her, draping an arm over her shoulder. “Oh, what happened?”

“Just another date fell through,” she muttered. “It’s so hard to find someone these days.”

“Oh yeah, tell me about it,” he laughed. She smiled up at him. Their conversation was interrupted by a server coming over and asking them if this was their order, and set down a tray. The tray had a steaming cup of tea, a mug of coffee, a bagel, and a bowl of yogurt with oats and fruit. Sara nodded enthusiastically, and the server left them, taking the number on their table.

“Is that all yours?” Shane asked, but then she handed him the bagel and cup of tea.

“Oops, looks like I got more food than I can eat…” she muttered, trying not to grin. Shane blushed.

“You didn’t need to get this…” he said, but smiled about it anyways. After making friends with Sara, Shane had realized how lonely he’d been all by himself for so long. It was good to have a friend. In the underworld, he never had any friends. Well, he didn’t try and make any either, but still.

“Well, I needed to pay you back for all those things you’ve done for me!” she insisted. Her hand ghosted over the necklace she was currently wearing. It was a small diamond moonstone on a silver chain. The moonstone was one of his favorite gemstones, and he basically hoarded them in his palace. They always gave off a calming aura, or at least it seemed like it. It reminded him of the underworld, or at least the good parts of it. Like standing on the white shore of the great river Acheron. Unlike Styx, Acheron was peaceful and pleasant. The yang to Styx’s yin.

He’d given her that necklace the day after they decided to just be friends. He wanted to thank her for sticking around. There weren’t many people who did that for him.

“Oh, you don’t have to,” he smiled, before spreading some cream cheese on his bagel. “But this bagel will do just fine.”

They talked for a bit, sipping their drinks and simply enjoying each other’s company. Eventually, though, the pull from earlier came back. Like a magnet in his gut, being attracted to something in the woods across the street. He gazed out the window, feeling himself zone out. He imagined his beautiful wife, the night before she killed herself. She was wearing a gorgeous crimson sheer dress, roses and sticks of red berries woven into her hair. The last place he saw her was when he had left her lounging on their bed, neck red from kisses, blinking sleepily up at him.

He shouldn’t have left her that night. He hadn’t been that busy, it could’ve waited, whatever it was. That had been so long ago. He’d let so many memories go, but not that one. Her dark eyes, heavy lashes, the curve of her body, the softness in her voice. It was all so clear, and yet, he had overlooked all the signs.

She hadn’t really been happy with him. There was always something calling her away. She was like a caged bird, a chained animal. She sang and smiled and laid down to be touched, but it was all for show. She might have loved him, but he wasn’t enough. He had never been enough, and he never would be. He didn’t own her, because no one could ever own such a spirit.

“Earth to Shane,” he was brought back by a hand waving in front of his face. Sara looked at him quizzically.

“Something on your mind, buddy?” she asked. He felt his chest tighten when he looked away from the window. He brought out his wallet and plucked out a few dollars.

“Hey, I gotta go, here’s some money for the tip,” he said, hurriedly.

“Wait, you’re leaving already?” she asked, looking a bit disappointed. She rolled with it, however, and called after him as he left the café. “Well, text me later, I guess!”

He looked into the woods across the street as he waited for the light to change. The feeling inside of him grew stronger the longer he stared. The feeling told him that she was close. She was there, in the woods.

“I don’t know if you’re really out there,” he whispered to himself. “But I’ll find you, I promise.”

[cosmosogler]

hi i had a bad night

at some point i realized i was awake. not sure if i’d slept before that or not. but then i started coughing uncontrollably and then i threw up. i looked at the clock since i was up anyway. it was 3 am.

i went back to sleep. i had the kind of nightmare where you are trying so hard to wake up and you just can’t and then you are screaming irl and your cat is startled. 

they were gonna get me.

then i didn’t want to get up until 7:55 and then i showered and i was very angry. then i started crying a little bit. i was thinking about a message mom sent me yesterday. she said dad was bummed because he didn’t have anyone to eat thai food with. 

someone has to be angry about this. no one else is going to be angry about it except me. 

no one was angry about craig either. i had to do it myself.

i was really slow about making myself lunch and eating breakfast because i didn’t really want to eat. i remembered today is spaghetti day so i didn’t worry about making a full lunch and just packed some snacks for later in case i got hungry in the afternoon and needed to stay on campus for whatever reason. (i should have stayed longer.)

i biked to campus and took notes during class. i used my new pen, which i bought on saturday, which has four colors! i think it helped me a lot toward keeping the lecture organized in my head. but i also very quickly noticed even more just how erratic the quantum professor is. but classical went very well as far as note taking went. i made sure to summarize the class in the space above the date as well.

after that we went and got spaghetti. we found out harrison is 19. gotta go fast, i guess. after they went back to the department i went over to the counseling center to start group therapy at long last.

i found myself reacting a lot but about 2/3 of the way through the meeting i stopped talking. i was also the only one that the facilitator didn’t ask about how the meeting went. maybe because i was sitting just outside her field of view and i was fidgeting but being quiet. i like everyone well enough. not sure what prompted me to, kind of, get stuck between my thoughts and my mouth. i guess i felt like my comments/questions would have changed the topic of conversation too much and maybe talking about religion was a good idea.

i did bring up that religion comes with a lot of bad memories for me and if i don’t joke about it i start remembering...

well, i start remembering even if i do joke about it. no one’s gonna be upset for me.

i know i don’t have to hold on to anger. i guess that makes it more... meaningful that i do? not sure how to word that. if no one is angry at dad then that means what he did was ok. and it wasn’t. and he never, ever apologized. and if he wants to hold on to the macho act so bad then he can do it over there, by himself, without me.

anyway after that was e&m but i was so burnt out that i just drew snoopy instead of taking notes. it’s going to hurt my grades. there was an in-class activity and i had the right answer right away but then i let my neighbor talk me out of it and i got points off because i changed my answer to the wrong one. we have another test next week. it’s the only thing contributing to our grades. the professor doesn’t take homework.

suzanne wanted to talk to the grader for classical tomorrow because a lot of us are getting points marked off for things we did do. like i wrote down an equation weird and he wrote “don’t do this, do this instead” all over it in huge letters when in the very next line i had done the thing he wanted me to do. but he didn’t see that because he was busy writing his correction over my work. suzanne said it happened to her too. 

i also got points off for saying that the first derivative was 0 but not also saying that the second derivative was also 0 before starting to do actual math. but if the first one is 0 it follows naturally that the second one is 0 because the second one is calculated off the first... my head is spinning.

anyway after that i spent an hour reading an article, and then i did a classical problem all by myself! suzanne gave some input, as in, she told me i didn’t have to do one of the things i was doing and showed me that i could look up the details of the coordinate system i needed online. but i knew how to start the problem right away! i am hoping that’s a good sign. we are going to finish the assignment tomorrow so we can spend the weekend studying and stuff instead of trying to get the homework done for monday when the test is on tuesday. the three hour long test. on tuesday night.

then the e&m test on friday afternoon.

i biked home before the sun went down!!! i made myself dinner and cleaned up the apartment a bit and brushed snoopy and gave her some cookies. and i actually got her to bat at one of her toys once!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am so proud of her. 

while i was cleaning out her main litter box i stopped by the balcony. the hallway is outdoors so there’s just some balcony/bridge areas that look out over town. i watched the sun set for a little bit. more than 5 minutes but less than 10. it was... interesting.

i recognized intellectually that the sunset was colorful and beautiful, and i really liked how the clouds looked next to the orange-peach sky and the way the hotel down the road was lit up under them. but emotionally i didn’t really... feel anything, i guess. like normally a peaceful moment like that would just be really nice and i would feel something inside. but tonight i was just tired. i did bop along to my music since no one was around but... i dunno it didn’t move me when i knew from memory that it should. i don’t feel anything any more.

it keeps me up at night actually. it bothers me when i am riding my bike and thinking. it bothers me in the shower. it bothers me while i’m eating. 

i try to think of the people i love, and the animals that i love, and i don’t feel anything. i can’t remember what that feels like. to care so much. to “feel for” them. maybe it would be upsetting once the impact settled in if one of them was feeling bad. but thinking about it, thinking about my new classmates, “how would i feel if keegan broke his leg??” i don’t have an answer. “nothing” is all i can think of. i don’t feel anything.

i guess i feel... bad? sometimes? usually when my professor is being passive aggressive or when i’m hungry. 

did i talk about my talk with the professor yesterday... i think a little bit. i talked about how he kept talkin about how bad i did. i wanted to be angry. i wanted to cut him off and tell him that i was actually doing almost everything he accused me of not doing. but i just felt exhausted. i didn’t even feel exhausted. i felt sleepy. i wanted to put my head down on the table and take a nap while he babbled nonstop at me.

i felt like that during the prelim except it was so overpowering that i did actually fall asleep. i passed out. i can’t say “i took a nap” because, like, that technically happened, but it wasn’t normal. i didn’t actually need a nap. but my brain was very insistent that i needed to spend a large chunk of my twelve-hour test asleep. 

but those are my two emotions right now. “nothing” or “bad.” at least when i’m screwing around with my classmates at krishna or whatever i’m not thinking about how i feel. i still feel nothing but it’s not on my mind so i feel a little more comfortable trying to smile instead of automatically laughing every time i mention how bad i feel. 

“i can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or not” is kind of a weird comment to make. the answer is “both.” 

at group i really wanted to ask if anyone else ever got called “cute” or “sweet” and how they dealt with knowing that their peers don’t take them as seriously as everyone else. it was at the forefront of my mind for the last third of the meeting. i didn’t bring it up... i’m having my classical midterm before our next meeting. this was just an introductory session so i couldn’t have worked on test anxiety anyway, but... i guess i feel like i should have talked about myself. at the same time i feel like i talked too much. 

instead of grading or doing any more work or anything useful (well, i took care of some tax stuff with mom’s help) i spent some time catching up on all the stuff i’ve bookmarked over the last two weeks. i don’t have a lot of energy this week. i think all my classmates are also dragging their feet just judging from how much time suzanne spends hunched over her desk, taylor spends watching anime, luis spends playing goat simulator, harrison spends riding luis’ skateboard back and forth across the office room, keegan makes himself scarce, rebika just seems kind of lost. 

there’s another grad student that joins us for krishna spaghetti on wednesdays. his name is soham. he’s got a great sense of humor, i’ve loved basically every comment he’s made. he spends a lot of time in his office at the end of the hallway though so i don’t see him a lot.

umm i think that’s it. still feeling kind of rattled about the nightmare. i didn’t describe it because i’m not sure how to. it needs so much context that i’d be here for another hour. it was the kind where i was using every trick in the book to try to get away, everything i’ve learned i can do in dreams over the years, but the monster knew all of them too and just didn’t care what i did. i could walk through a wall and it would still be right there behind me. i could fly away and it would catch me with a fishhook or just come up there and get me itself. i could hide and it would track my scent. i could hole myself up in a bunker and it would unlock the front door and just walk right in. i knew better than to call for help but i was so desperate that i was just screaming and i carried that with me for a moment as i finally woke myself up.

at least this time it wasn’t craig. it was “ambiguous best friend for this dream.” it’s... easier to deal with, in a way, long term.

[elevenhoursinfront-blog]

17th April 2017

We were woken up at around 0200 by Cherry and her friends coming into the room. Cherry had gotten herself so drunk that she couldn't walk. Aimee was trying to get her into bed but Imogen and her friends were standing around laughing. Cherry climbed the ladder to get onto the top bunk but fell off backwards. Lucky she was caught. The Italian guy in our room jumped out of bed to carry her onto her bed. I shouted at them to be quiet because Steve had work in the morning and it wasn't fair. They didn't all need to be in the room shouting. They all left and I kept an eye on Cherry whilst I fell asleep. Steve's alarm went off at 0900. He had a later start today as it was bank holiday Monday. He was exhausted though and furious about what happened during the night. We had breakfast with Dan but Megan was too tired and stayed in bed. I felt the same way, I should've done the same. The boys left for work at 0955 and I sat around for a bit before doing the washing up. When I went back to the room, Cherry was awake. Turns out she threw up in her sleep and didn't know about it. On a serious note, she could have died choking. That happened in work at DeVere twice. She slept in her sick and went to breakfast in it too. Welcome to the world of backpackers. She changed her sheets not long after. I went onto my laptop to start applying for more jobs. I spent a few hours applying and applying. I still hadn't heard anything back about the trial shift I'm meant to be having. I'll give her some time before I text her again. Cherry wanted me to dye her hair so she went and bought a box dye. She's a bright white blonde and her roots are dark. I'm hoping they don't turn orange. After her hair was done, we both went to shower. Her hair actually looked alright, I was quite impressed. She absolutely loved it. She FaceTimed her mum who also loved it. My talents are endless, I tell you. Dressed and ready to face the day by 1300. I went back onto the laptop to look for more jobs. By 1400, I was contemplating jumping out of my bedroom window. By 1430, I had fallen asleep. What is actually wrong with me? Why am I also so tired I can't keep my eyes open? I'm lethargic 24/7 and I sleep more than a cat. "Charlie, how was travelling?" "Not sure, I slept 90% of it". 1630 I forced myself up. I even heard myself snoring at one point. My roommates must think I've come to the other side of the planet to sleep without my mum shouting at how lazy I am! (60% true) I needed a coffee and I needed something to eat quickly. I ran to Coles to buy some eggs, onions and a cup of coffee (no running had actually taken place). I managed to borrow some more sweetener which is an added bonus. I got back into the hostel and made a cheese and onion omelette that completely failed and turned into scrambled egg - not complaining. I sat on my own in the corner eating my lunch watching the world go by. Megan and Kat came down and went onto the computers to apply for jobs. I went over and joined them but I went onto my laptop. We all sat chatting and applying. By 1815, we had enough. I couldn't look at the same rubbish jobs on the same rubbish job sites any longer. At 1830, it was time for the hostel bingo. It's free to play and you can win food and drink. We sat on a bean bag with a clipboard and pen. There were roughly 30 backpackers all waiting to shout BINGO. 3 rounds and 9 chances to win something. Each line or house, you get a good handful of stuff - chocolate, steaks, watermelon, beers. Every 3 rounds you got a lucky number. If you hear the number, the first person to shout 'balls' wins a beer. The final big round was a large bottle of vodka. I'm in it for that. Vodka over goon any day. They were also giving away tickets to the big comedy festival that costs up to $40. You get to pick your comedian and all sorts. We played and played for about an hour not winning a single thing. It got to the last round and Megan had one number left. This was for the vodka. We were waiting for 22 to be called. We had to shout it first otherwise there would be a tie-breaker question and let's be honest - we're thick with 0 chance. 22 was called as the final number and Megan and I screamed BINGO! We were so excited and everyone else groaned. We were so happy, a huge bottle of vodka! Free nights out here we come! Everyone started to leave which was great, just in case we hadn't got bingo, we'd be given the bottle any way! We also won an avocado and 2 tickets to the comedy festival. You're not allowed alcohol upstairs in the room but there was no way I was keeping that in the communal fridge. I've put it at the back of my locker, with a padlock on. We're not stupid. Steve and Dan got home at the same time we were playing bingo. They got showered and we started to make dinner. Steve and I were desperate for a food shop so dinner was a 'hope for the best' type. Half a mince going out of date, baked beans, onions and sweet corn. I found a chilli con carne powder mix in the free food so it would be better flavoured. We had it on rice and it wasn't too bad. We sat with Sophie, Megan, Dan and Kat. After dinner, I FaceTimed my mum for a bit whilst she was on her break at work. We all stayed round the table chatting until 2230. Kat got a text about a trial at a cafe... Turns out, it was the same text I got. Unfortunately for me, she got responses and a date/time. I was happy for her but I was also really upset I wasn't good enough. Australia is great at making you feel unwanted and not good enough. It sounds like it's a group interview and I wouldn't stand a chance against anyone especially as they go by looks. I give up. I left and went to bed. Silly really but it had annoyed me. Kat told me to come along anyway but I'm not the sort of person to go unless I've been asked. Steve and I got into bed around 2330. I might just text the woman tomorrow and see if she invites me along. We'll see what happens.

[naomi-l-tiessen-blog]

Tips on Staying Motivated With Writing

Hellllloooo everybody ~

Happy Thursday Blogday!

I’m not going to lie, I’m being a heavy-duty hypocrite right now. This blog is about staying motivated to write (especially when you already are working full-time in a job that is NOT writing…*le sob*), and guys, I’ve been literally dancing around my computer for like 2 hours, avoiding this blog like the plague. I have been doing everything BUT writing…paying bills (barf), cleaning the house, making lists of all the things I need to do (I love a good color-coordinated list!), anything and everything that did not consist of typing.

I am so ashamed of myself. Where’s a nun jingling a bell screaming, “SHAME” when you need one?

Alas, I am here now, and I am GETTING THIS DONE.

So, as some of you might know, I like to refer to myself as a wolf cloaked in sheepskin. Not only does calling myself this make me feel badass, but I also feel like, at this point in my life, it accurately describes who I am. I am a writer trapped in a nurse’s body, and up until last year, I didn’t realize just how badly the writer in me wanted freedom, how badly the wolf I had been hiding inside wanted to howl. But it’s not as simple as waking up in the morning, throwing open your window, and declaring to the world, “I AM A WRITER, HEAR ME ROAR!” And I know some would disagree, but at least in my case, you can’t just quit your day job and assume the role of Starving Artist (see above reference to paying bills and barfing). Unfortunately, money still makes the world go round. It is simply not that simple, not for me, anyways. So, if you’re like me, you work full-time and write on the side. Sort of like a double life.

And that is ok.

It’s ok to do both. As much as I hate nursing, I know that I still rely on it heavily. It would not be a smart idea to jump ship (my husband can be my sugar daddy, right?), not when talk of buying houses and going back to school are in the works. So, as I slave away at a job that makes me feel dead inside, I am spurred forward by the hope that, one day, I can completely submerge myself into my writing and leave nursing in the dust.

But, that’s going to take a lot of work.

And sometimes, as much as I hate to admit it, the drive is just. Not. There.

Sometimes, when I come home from a 12-hour shift, my brain is so tired, all I want to do is watch TV or do something that requires very little thinking. And don’t even get me started on night shifts. Once, I went down for what I intended to be a light nap, and BAM! Entire day gone. Oops.

I know I’m not alone in this. Sometimes that full-time job we are reluctantly committed to just sucks the life right out of you, and you feel like you have nothing left to give to your writing.

That’s where this blog comes in! And Lord, I need this now more than ever.

So, without further ado, here are 9 tips and tricks to staying motivated to write, even when you feel like life is shoving a whole bunch of suck in your face, and your job is killing you slowly.

I could have done 10 tips but I chose not to because, hey *points to self* writer. Writers are weird. Not sure if you knew that already or not.

ALSO, a wee disclaimer: some of these won’t work for everyone. Hell, some of these don’t work for me. But that doesn’t mean that they aren’t solid pieces of advice!

ALSO, another disclaimer: before anyone gets their pantaloons in a jumble, I’d like to point out that I have nothing against people that have already claimed the role of a full-time writer. I know that there are people out there that had no choice but to jump into the role, whether they were ready for it or not, and actually, I’m incredibly jealous of you. That takes bravery. Right now, I can only dream of doing that *sits in a dark corner rubbing hands together, murmuring, “sooooooon”*, but I know that my time will come when I am finally able do the same. But I should mention that whether you are a full-time writer, or a wolf in sheepskin, these tips can still apply.

1)  Carve out a bit of time each day to focus on nothing but writing. This could be when you're in the shower. This could be on your lunch break. This could be when you are waiting for your bout of insomnia to pass and for sleep to finally take you hostage for a couple hours. Even if you are just tossing around ideas, or working up a new subplot, or brainstorming that next big scene, it will make the next time you sit down to write a bit easier to slip into relatively unscathed. This SORT OF falls into that saying, “write every single day,” but to be honest, I’m not terribly fond of that saying. Like I mentioned before, sometimes it’s bloody hard getting my brain working at a functional pace after a long day, but if I’ve at least catalogued some time thinking about my manuscript, I still feel like I’ve accomplished something at the end of the day. So, in my opinion, if you do something writer-oriented every day, whether it’s brainstorming, note-jotting, or planning/strategizing, that still counts, and is getting you a little closer to your goal. And that is dandy.

2)  Having said that, don’t forget that you need to be committed. Maybe some days all you can afford to do is think about writing. And that’s totally fine. But the days you can manage to sit down and actually write, I urge you to. Having a full-time job doesn’t give me a lot of free time, so whenever I see the opportunity to write, even if it’s a couple sentences, I seize that opportunity so hard. Writing, as much as it is a passion for us, it needs to also be taken seriously. Treat it like a second job. Show it that you are committed to making it a priority. Let it know that you are serious about it. Writing has feelings too, you know! So, when you are planning your week, look ahead and see when you can squeeze in writing. Maybe cut down on the video games (haha, yeah ok), or cancel that Girl’s Night Out that you didn’t really want to go to anyways. Maybe get up a bit earlier than normal, or go to bed a bit later, in order to jot down an extra couple hundred words. Any little bit helps. Do whatever it takes to get from point A to point B.

3)  Visualize your manuscript in all its finished glory. Now, I’m going to tell you right now that this tip doesn’t work for me, because when I think ahead, all my mind is doing is, “OH GOD THE EDITING, THE BETAS, THE DRAFTS, THE MARKETING, THE PUBLISHING OH GODDDDDD”. Sooooo, there’s that. But for those people that are highly visual, then this tip is wonderful! Think about your manuscript all polished and pristine, that beautiful, sharp looking cover, and your name on the front of your novel baby. You, my friend, are officially an author, and your novel is ready for the public! You are so much closer to your goal of having writing be your main career now! Can you just envision it? Isn’t it wonderful? Great, now get writing.  

4)  Don't wait for the muse to strike. if you do that, you'll be lucky if your manuscript is done in like, 7 years. Seriously, I’m speaking from experience here. I get it…it’s hard when your brain is begging to do literally anything but write. But if you give in to your brain’s pleas every single time, you will never get anything done. You need to push through. “But my work will be shit if I just push through!” Yeah, it might be. But that’s what editing is for. “But this is haaaaarrrdddd!” Uh, yeah, it is. Who said it was easy? I’d like to have a word with them.

5)  Start early. Start marketing even if your manuscript isn't done (see example: meeeee). Get into the writing community and make friends that are in the same boat as you. Let's face it...as supportive and loving as some people are, if they aren't going through the same shit as you, it's hard for them to truly understand what you are going through. "Well, why don't you just write it like this? It’s really not that hard!" Or, "Why don't you just wait for inspiration to strike?" I LITERALLY DON'T HAVE TIME TO SIT AND WAIT AROUND, DEBBIE, GAWD. But on a more serious note, finding people in the same situation as you builds community and fellowship, which helps motivate and encourage. Since I’ve joined several platforms in an attempt to become more public with my writing journey, I’ve come across many people with similar situations. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone in this. I have no idea what I’m doing, and it’s a relief to know that tons of others don’t know either! Let’s be clueless together!

6)  Now, on that note, make sure you aren’t distracted. For me, this is easier said than done. I get distracted a lot. A LOT. Like, squirrel much? I literally stopped writing this blog several times to do something else (my relationship with YouTube is an unhealthy one). But that’s where time limits come in. Time limits are your friend. Set down a chunk of time with ZERO distractions. No TV, no Facebook, no Instragram, no Twitter, no YouTube (unless that’s the source for your music, then by all means). Just you and your manuscript. For that chunk of time, show your manuscript that you mean business. If you are easily distracted like me, these time limits are generally smaller…like 30 minutes to an hour. Some people can go longer. When my time is up, I take a small break. I try to get up and stretch, see what my cat is up to, maybe grab some water or a snack. Get the body moving, get the blood flowing. My breaks can range from 5-15 minutes. But then it’s back to writing, and back to no distractions.  

7)  Make goals and reward yourself for achieving them. They can be small goals, like hitting a word count, or finishing a scene or chapter. It could also be on a larger scale, such as setting up a deadline to finish your first draft. Whatever it is to keep you trucking along, make sure they are obtainable to you (trust me, it’s pretty soul-crushing when you set a goal that you know in your heart of hearts that you can’t reach but you try anyways and crash and burn horribly). But when you reach those goals, hooray! Reward yourself, you deserve it! Maybe take a break and play video games, watch a movie you’ve been wanting to see, treat yourself to a nice dinner, or get a facial. I personally like candy. Those fat Twizzlers get me every single time.

8)  Always push yourself to do better/challenge yourself. If you were able to write 500 words yesterday, maybe shoot for 1000 today. I tend to not focus on word counts, because honest to god, the moment I hit one, I am done for the day, even if I’m in the middle of a scene that I’d been dying to finish. My general challenge is to finish the scene I’m working on. Some days, this is incredibly easy. Some days, this is really fucking hard. I once didn’t get to go to sleep till 4AM because it took me that long to finish a single scene. But I did it, and man, it felt so freaking good. Waking up at 8AM, however, did not.

9)  Be accountable to yourself. It is up to you and you alone to get shit done. Yes, you might have amazing support systems in place, as well as friends and family cheering you on, but at the end of it all, when it’s 2AM and everyone’s gone to bed, and it’s just you and your computer (or notepad), who is in charge of getting those words out? You. So when you don’t meet that goal, or more or less pull a Scarlette and get distracted into oblivion, it is your own damn fault. It’s ok to make mistakes and not meet goals. It’s ok to get distracted, just don’t make it a habit to blame others. If you transfer blame to something or someone else, you’ll never learn from your mistakes. You are responsible for you.

And that’s it!

I hope these tips come in handy. Whether you are struggling to find motivation, or you just need a bit of encouragement, or someone to tell you that you’re not alone in living the double life, then this blog is right up your alley.

If not, well, then…hah, sucker, you read the entire thing anyways!  

Until next time, happy writing!

[icoulddieandwecouldlive4eve-blog]

just in case this goes missing

This is my manifesto

That beautiful morning, i hadnt gotten any sleep that night because i was up ranting about OCCULTISM and rape and dug abuse. When my friend, Quaint, showed up he was shaking and his lips were an off shade of grey. He asked to use my phone and called his mama saying that he might go to hospital today because he felt sick. I told him that he wasnt sick he was just DTing and needed alcohol to subdue the effects on his body. I walked to go get medicinal whiskey but the liquor store wasnt open. I walked to the whole foods and picked up 2 bottles of wine and some doggo treats for his dog, chance. He didnt want the treats i gave him but he was such a good protector of his friend. We passed the wine around, casually outside of the unopened shop. 

THEYASKEDME IF WAS SEEIN OR HEARING ANYTHING

It was Monday morning (Mid December 2019) when i had contact with the first officer in front of an establishment called “The Love of Ganesha” on Haight St in San Francisco. I dont remember his badge name or number but he was a well groomed caucasian male. He approached me because he had gotten a call that morning about disorderly conduct (or something along those lines) he arrived at the scene, harrassed my surrounding family, and moved them down the line. After everyone had moved he approched me and Threatened to detain me for being under the influence or for being crazy or something like that. He told me he was taking me to the SF psychiatric ward. I asked him what he was detaining me for. I asked him again what he was detaining me for. He approached my husband and asked Sean if he knew me and if he could help me move me belongings and myself to another location. My stuff was in dissarray but we moved down to the corner of haight and ashbury where my husband sean took and long nap (we were up the entire night before)

My friends and i spent most of the day on that corner, playing with our kitties and talking to touring adults. Around sundown,shortly after a woman donated several dogbeds, my good friend Caveman approached the corner and put down his belongings. Seconds later a squad car with flashing lights pulled up to the scene and two officers of the law got out. One of them was a young african american male and the other was a (assumed to be) younger asian american male. The asian american male (we’ll just call him “woodstick”) “Woodstick” immediatly addressed caveman by asking him “how is your son” whih i thought was very rude. But then “woodstick” told everyone that they had to leave “his” corner. (im pretty sure he doesnt pay rent on that corner but anyway) as me and my husband packed up our belongings “woodstick” got out his big wooden stick and wore it on his hip like a Gun. I wasnt threatened but everyone else, all fed up with the harrassment, moved along. 

I stayed up all night that night talking my husband’s ear off and crying. I fell asleep shortly but was woken up by my hyper-sensitive on-guard dog around 4:30 am. So not much later in the morning i got up and even through my husband asked me not to go, i wanted to walk and yell and talk someone els’s ear off. So i took our 3 kittens, (because they were wide awake) and i went to haight st. i sat on my dog’s bed on the corner of haight st and ashbury and made a sign that said I protest this state. For  the sake of my deceased friends:

I screamed that i was being raped, I screamed that i was being murdered, i screamed “wake up people” and i screamed “NARCAN call 911 call 911 call 911 i am overdosing on heroin! oh wait thats not what someone who is overdosing on heroin sounds like” I was furiously flipping off everyone and nobody cared. 

Anyway, an african american police officer arrived at the scene, right around 7 am right after shift change i assume (she never mentioned getting a call). She pulled up wto me and said “stand up”, i said “no”, she said “im taking you to jail”, she put on black gloves and got out of her car and asked me politely what the problem is. I explained my situation to her and she politely told me where to go to file a formal complaint against off. “Woodstick” and then when i continued to not comply she gave me a tresspassing 25 ticket. Then she said that because i wasnt leaving “ we were going to have another problem” i told her to contact her SGT. and she did so. A white man arrived at the scene and rudely told me… something (i wasnt listening ) i was also flipping off people as they walked by. So the SGT starts grabbing at me and pushing my hat and other belongings around, almost as if he was trying to piss me off more. Then he grabbed me by my shoulder and so did the african american female officer that had orginally made contact with me. I explained “dont touch me” “stop harrassing me” “i know my rights” (which im not sure i do anymore)Then shorltly another 4 or so officers showed up to the scene and pushed my face into the ground, got one arm behind my back, broke my glasses and they said “stop resisting” multiple times. Then they threatened to take me to jail. They told me my religious artifact would have to be removed and then they forcefully tried to remove my silver and lapiz ring. My figner had already been broken recently so  i knew that my ring wouldnt come off easily. I told the officers that as they FORCEFULLY tried to remove my religious artifact. I mentioned the first amendment to them. They continued to try to remove my ring threatening me with detainment. Then the SFFD showed up and they put me on the gurnie. Forced my right hand. Took my cat’s basket and my dog’s new dog bed that was given to me by that kind woman.

Took me to the Zuckerberg San Francisco General hostpitable where they werent very hospitable. After they laughed at me and made fun of me, they got me a chaplain named mary kay who gave me 2 bibles and another chaplain also named mary talked me through the trauma like a couple of pros. They doctors asked m what was physically wrong and i told them my hand feet and torso and arms hurt. They brought in an xray machine and asked me if i might be pregnant. When i said it was possible they left with the xray machine… never took  a urine sample. While they were xraying my hands i told them that i believed i have a stress fracture inin both of my feet. They never even checked. After being taken to the psych ward (which reeked of county jail) I spoke to a psychiatrist for 5 minutes before they knocked me out witha variety of pills. The next morning i woke up and they gave me my breakfaast (mushroom omlette) and i announced i was doing a hunger strike, drank a cup of coffee. Not long after they allowed me to call my mom. My mother offered to pick me up from the hospital but i told her i wanted to be released on my own recognisance. Not long after they allowed me to shower and leave. 

MY partner, sean, was waiting outside for me and my friend shane came and picked us up.

That evening i bought a pack of PBRs, because it was all i could afford beer wise, and i went to haight st and handed them out to my friends. I put my belonging under a scaffolding to protect it from the cold rain. My friend caveman screamed at me on sight “you are the only other woman to be 5150 from here other than misha” who misha is i dont know.

King and 14th

I scrambled to get to the train station. Screaming the whole way. I begged people to let me use there phone because mine had died. I went into the train station and frantically tried to find money in my purse. An older african american woman approched me and asked me what the problem was and offered to by me a ticket. I stated plain and clear that i would also need a ticket for m partner and she said it would cost her too much. My partner told me to quiet down and payed for his own ticket while she bought me mine. I promptly lost it.

Friday the 13th December

It was raining when my partner got off the BART train. We walked to the closest covered porch and started to unwind. After watching a couple older gentlemen leave the building i assumed that it was a federal building. We went to sleep there. Around 2 am (december 14) in the middle of shift change SGT 8 and OFF 10 woke us up and off. 10 threatened to take me and my husband to jail… or to the hospital… i dont remember exactly what his plan was but he put those stupid blue gloves on. As soon as i started rambling to myself they left. NO CONTACT 

My husband and i got our asses moving and as we walked we started to argue (but not in a “im mad at you and you suck”kind of way but in a “i was exhausted already” kind of way) i told him to stay put after we walked not even half a mile. I walked with my yellow water bottle in hand so that traffic could see me more clearly. I got to the fire house. Rang the doorbell.

Rang the doorbell again, i was quite dehydrated at this point. I used my limited knowledge of morse code to sing S.O.S. and WATER and FIRE and HELP. when i noticed the fire department waking up i motioned at them for water. They laughed and shook their heads or something like that. I was so angry at this point i may have started hallucinating. 

2 cop cars pulled up. 4 lights shone. I put my hands up with my big ol sharpie in one hand and my water bottle in the other. SGT 8 rushed me, snatched the bottle out of me hand, threw it away from me, and put my on the ground and in cuffs. He did not read me any sort of any rights. Anyway he asked me if i was writing on the building or doors. they ran my name. Asked me what the problem is… i told them i was tired and i had just had a fight with my husband. I mentioned the domestic abuse and they said “dont use that word” i told them i needed a ride to the hospital, he said he would only give me a ride if i was under the influence of drugs and shined his BRIGHT ass light in my eyes, practically blinding me. I told him i had smoked weed (a legal substance to consume if you arent operating a motor vehicle) he said i didnt seem high and he was right because the cheap weed i smoked barely did anything anyways. So i mentioned the water thing again after they allowed me to sit on their bumper (so polite) i asked them for their badge numbers and the ten (more like a seven but he’s a cop there is only so far you can get with that) said he was 10 and the four told me he was 8. Brisbane PD. where there is no hospital apparently. So they confirmed that i was being transported and he said hed give me a ride to square one. And one water bottle when i got out. Then he told me hed give me two water bottles which was great because i was REALLY fucking thirsty at that point. And then in the privacy of his cruiser he said “my water bottle is just like your water bottle except my bottle is full and yours is empty” which i thought was pretty offensive but i didnt say anything. So SGT 8 drops me off at the gas station (which wasnt the federal building that i woke up at that morning but details are so 19th century) and puts my water bottle and a new sealed water bottle on the curb of the gas station. Takes my cuffs off, probably said some fuck shit. And said “anything else” and as they got into their cars i said “oh yes and i am in fear of hurting myself AND OTHERs”

And i walked.

And i screamed

And i cruised by my sleeping darling and i wrote a little happy face on the lid of the bottle and i left it for him and i walked some more and when i was out of ear shot of him i whistled. I SCREAMED and i banged my bottle against a pole. I took out my lipstick and i drew a heart on a sign. I drew my signature (MAD (mutually assured desrtuction) read it in HS kinda liked the ring to it) and i walked and i screamed some more. I heard owls in the trees. I saw two men in the trees one had a light in his hand and they stood patiently. I said “hello?” and i heard one of them say “what?”

Later on after eating and getting some fluids in me i am back at the Brisbane fire department and i rang the doorbell once. A young beautiful woman comes to the door and i told her i needed medical attention

Giovanini Gomez asked me what i wanted #1 asked me what he could do for me. 

They gave me a psychotic break and a whole season of episodes and then asked me what they could do for me. Then told me very rudely to get out of town.

So i did

[kewpieandco]

My Boss

November 11, 2017

I work for a very demanding lady.  She knows what she wants and she wants it done now.  Heaven help you if you mess up the job.  The hours are long and the requirements are grueling.  Apparently I missed the fine print on my job application that said, “Applicants who do not read minds need not apply.”  But I got the job anyway, so here I am, a year and a half in on the toughest job I’ve ever had.   My work hours change based on my boss’ many moods.  On this particular day, my boss was in a bit of a testy mood.  Thus follows the events of the day.

1:30a.m.:  My boss called me up and said that she couldn’t sleep.  I asked if she knew what time it was and informed her that I had been asleep.  She said she didn’t care and told me to come over and bring her something to drink.  I did as she commanded.  Then she insisted that we stay up and talk for hours and hours.  We did so until she finally succumbed to sleep and I was granted permission to clock out and return to my own slumbering state.

6:30a.m.:  My boss called me in a tremendous huff, informing me that I was late to work and was already falling behind on the multitude of tasks she required me to complete for the day.  I apologized for oversleeping, but I told her that I was very tired from working late with her during the night.  She flew into a rage at my pathetic excuse and reminded me that there were plenty of other competent workers out there who would love to have my job.

7:30a.m.:  In an effort to smooth things over with my boss I made her a special breakfast.  However, when I presented it to her in her office, she took a few bites then threw it up all over my hair and clothes.  She did not apologize.  She just hurried off to attend to some other important business.  

8:00a.m.:  I went to the women’s shower room to clean myself up, leaving the door slightly ajar so that I could hear my boss call me if needed.  My boss skipped the calling part.  Apparently she needed me to tie her shoe so that she could go outside.  So without a word, she threw back the shower curtain and stuck her foot into the shower, impatiently waiting for me to tie the dangling laces.  Startled, but not surprised, I covered myself as best I could then carried out her wordless wish.  She left silently, then returned a moment later just as stealthily.  As a thank you for my service, she threw her favorite book into the shower, just in case I got bored cleaning her vomit out of my hair and needed some quality literature to pass the time.

11:00a.m.:  My boss took some personal time in the mid-morning to get refreshed and to collect her thoughts.  She seemed to be in a more agreeable mood when she returned.  That is, until I found her throwing all of my personal belongings into the trash.  While I was fishing my hairbrush and spare shoes out of the garbage, my boss got a hold of my purse and emptied all of its contents onto the ground.  She opened my chapstick, took a bite of it, then threw it across the office.  She scattered my credit cards and was working on pocketing some blank checks when I caught her in the act and asked her to please respect my personal space.  Again no apology was made.  She just jumped up off the floor and demanded lunch.

12:00p.m.:  Unfortunately, lunch was not satisfactory.  My boss loudly vocalized her disapproval then hurled her food onto the floor.  She looked around the office dejectedly, spied my lunch, then devoured the entire meal without asking for my permission.

1:00p.m.:  Before going on a brief break, I made sure my boss’ needs were met and set up a video she had been wanting to watch for research purposes.  I also gave her a new magazine that she had requested to study.  I then stretched out on the couch in the break room and closed my eyes for a few moments.  I heard the sound of paper tearing nearby.  I opened my eyes and saw my boss standing over me, covering my body with shredded magazine scraps.  Break time is over!  Back to work!

2:00p.m.:  During an afternoon snack, my boss defecated in her pants and pretended nothing had happened.  When I asked her if there was something she wanted to tell me she shook her head and continued on with her business.  I pressed the matter and walked towards her, telling her that she should get cleaned up.  She dodged my approach and fled the scene in a mad dash.

3:00p.m.:  I finally convinced my boss that trying on different outfits would be fun, or so I thought.  However, when I presented an array of clothing to her, she screamed like a banshee and ran naked through the office until I caught her and forced her to see reason.

4:00p.m.:  It was my turn to take care of some serious business in the ladies room and I was excited to have a moment of privacy.  Unfortunately, my boss jimmied the lock and burst into the room for no other reason than to check on me.  She does not tolerate lollygagging employees.

5:00p.m.:  My boss told me that she liked the dinner I prepared for her.  But after she tried a bite, she gagged and spit it out into my hand.  She then proceeded to feed the meal to stray dogs and cats who have a special place in her heart.

7:00p.m:  I advised my boss to go to bed early since she had been up late the night before and she had a busy day planned at the office tomorrow, but she insisted that she wasn’t sleepy.  Finally I convinced her to get into her pajamas.  She then wet herself and laughed as she ran out of the office and sat on a cat.

Indeed, my job is far from easy.  But it is the best job I’ve ever had because my daughter pays me in hugs (and kisses for overtime), and that makes every second worth it.