#anyways I feel okay posting them HOLY FUCK I AM SO GOD DAMNED EXCITED ABOUT THIS FUCKING MAP

[catzgam3rz]

I think I'm good to post these now soooo

Have some character sketches I did last night to get a hold of the cats that will be appearing in my Serpent and the Stars map part :D!

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 300: Days of Our Todorokis

Previously on BnHA: Hawks was all “hey Jeanist, wanna go on a road trip with me to my mom’s house?” Jeanist was all “you know it,” and so they hopped into Jeanist’s jercedes and took off. Hawks took a nap and had a flashback to his Dickensian childhood living in a abject poverty with his jerk mom and jerk dad, thinking heroes were make-believe until one day Endeavor arrested his dad and Baby Hawks was all “OH SHIT.” And then he saved a bunch of people, and the HPSC was all “what do we have here,” and blah blah blah, you know the rest. Back in the present, Hawks was all “well my life is currently in shambles, but on the plus side there’s no one bossing me around anymore so that’s pretty cool,” and then decided he was going to talk to Endeavor. Fandom was all “I can’t believe Hawks would side with his childhood hero over the man who burned his wings off and posted a video calling him a violent murderer who took after his abusive dad,” so that was fun and stuff. I can’t wait to see what piping fresh takes this new chapter will bring.

Today on BnHA: Our old friend Carbonation Carl tries to loot a Starbucks and gets his ass kicked by a senior citizen. Society is all “YEAH, WE’RE REALLY STARTING TO GET SICK OF THIS SHIT.” Old Man Samurai is all “this room won’t stop me because I can’t read it” and abruptly decides to retire, which, fun fact, is literally THE LEAST HELPFUL THING ANYONE HAS EVER DONE. Anyway so then a bunch of other punkasses follow suit, and while I won’t say that I’m actually starting to root for Stain to kill some peeps, just for the record I’m not not saying that either. Back in the hospital, Endeavor cries some tears because his life sucks, and then is confronted by his entire family, LED BY QUEEN REI, FIRST OF HER NAME, BACK IN BUSINESS AND LARGE AND IN CHARGE. Rei is all “fuck feeling sorry for yourself, we have a rogue Murder Son on the loose” and I swear to god I have never felt so alive.

so here we go! and just for the record, even though the last two chapters have been phenomenal, I don’t necessarily have any sky-high expectations for chapter 300, mostly because chapters 100 and 200 consisted of Mei Boobs, and Toadette and her horrific quirk lmao. so go ahead Horikoshi, what are you gonna pull out of your hat for this one

oh, back to this stuff again. sob

I guess there was only so much time we could spend having hospital antics and exploring Hawks’s past before we got back to dealing with the whole “the world has gone to absolute shit” issue huh, lol

omg

what’s with these bizarrely cute Noumus. why do I want to pet them

so the narrative text is going on about how people have been super paranoid about the Noumu ever since the USJ incident a year ago. so yeah, I guess the fact that there are now a bunch of them confirmed to be running around is really freaking people out even on top of everything else

wtf is happening here

what did this poor lil glass ever do to anyone. r.i.p.

OH MY FUCKING GOD

SODA SAM IS BACK ON THE LAM

tsk tsk tsk. my man has graduated from snatching purses to raiding cafes. going after that big money. this man has no business sense whatsoever lmao

OH BUT WATCH IT NOW!!

OH SNAP THE PEOPLE ARE FIGHTING BACK. WHATCHA GONNA DO NOW SAM

THIS MAN IS 172 YEARS OLD AND HE’S NOT HERE TO PLAY GAMES!!

WTF IS HE LIGHTING THIS THING ON FIRE OR SOME SHIT. GETTEM GRANDPA YEAHHHH HE’S CHARGING AT EM YEAHHHHHH

lmao so that was fun. and now we’re cutting to Wash!! omg. look at him

he’s so dedicated. too bad you don’t have a car like Best Jeanist. probably takes a while when you’re just running everywhere

you see?? you were too slow!!

NOOOO, GRANDPA. he defeated Pepsi Pete, but lost his life in the process. this is too tragic

anyway so the good news is that the cafe has been saved! but the bad news is, there really isn’t much of a cafe left. huh. I guess that’s one of the reasons why people are supposed to get a license to use their quirks like this

oh snap and now everyone is coming outside, and they’re none too happy to see poor old Wash over here

seriously Wash, get a bicycle or something. also the way this guy is gesturing so dramatically with his hand in this sort of “YOU SEE!! YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!” manner is sending me

OH MY GOD

HE SPEAKS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS. IT MEANS JEANS PUNS ARE YESTERDAY’S NEWS, FOLKS!! MAKE WAY FOR THE LAUNDRY PUNS. CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH THIS ALL... UNFOLD

“the heroes had dwindled away” okay real talk you guys, it is literally only a matter of time before they press-gang the children into picking up their slack. I still don’t know how to feel about that, but it is happening one way or the other regardless. Child Soldiers 2 Electric Boogaloo. wonder if we’ll see a rise in vigilante action as well

OHO WHAT’S THIS? THIS IS A CHAPTER OF GRANDPAS HUH

-- no fucking way

WOW. WOW. WOWWWWWW

wow. so he didn’t do a fucking thing while the rest of the top ten were being turned into red mist in the previous arc, and now that it’s all over and they need his help more than ever, he decides... THAT IT’S TIME TO RETIRE. holy shit. “fuck you” doesn’t even begin to cover it my guy. you stand there and soak up those boos you coward

ohhhhhhh shiiiiit you guys. oh shit

the “I am not here” breaks my fucking heart for real though y’all. oh man. everything he worked for is gone just like that

(ETA: okay so a couple of the takes I’ve seen on this make it seem like All Might is somehow the bad guy here?? “this is what happens when society puts a bunch of glorified cops on a pedestal”, “finally the cracks in hero society are showing”, etc. etc. so, just a friendly reminder that this isn’t happening because of too much trust and a lack of critical thinking; this is happening because the villains killed all the heroes and broke a bunch of murderers out of jail. it’s happening because an organized league of terrorists succeeded in terrorizing, and so society is now understandably awash in fear and panic. like, it’s just wild to me that AFO is RIGHT FUCKING THERE, and yet week after week fandom still has their “IT’S ALL THE HEROES’ FAULT” signs still up on their lawns. BUT WHATEVER, MOVING ON.)

also though, so exactly how much time is passing here now? I wanted to go straight back to the hospital and see what happens with Deku and the Todorokis. please don’t tell me we’re jumping ahead sob. my aaaaangst

OH SHIT

STAIN. LISTEN UP BUDDY. I KNOW WE’VE HAD OUR DIFFERENCES, AND I STILL DESPISE YOU FOR CRIPPLING TENSEI AND TRYING TO KILL MY BEST BOY TENYA. BUT AS IT HAPPENS, THERE ARE ONE OR TWO OTHER HEROES OUT THERE NOW WHO I WOULDN’T MIND YOU PAYING A VISIT I’M JUST SAYING

LOL BUT IT ACTUALLY ISN’T THIS MAN, FFFFFF

sob. yeah I was talking about Old Man Samurai actually but YEAH. HEY THERE ENJI

also is this entire hospital actually run by characters from Super Mario Bros though. first Yoshi and now this guy, come the fuck on that is not a coincidence

lmao they stuck him in another one of these cavernous creepy hospital rooms

wtf is it with Horikoshi and these giant fucking rooms lately. Kacchan’s in chapter 298, then Tomie’s colossal house furnished with like one table and a TV, and now this. and the weirdest thing about it though is that “huge space with nothing to fill it up” is like the exact opposite of what you’ll usually find in Japanese homes lol

so now Enji is just sitting there thinking things like “my head is fuzzy” and “I’m alive” lmao okay. not quite all there yet, huh. I’ll give you a minute

I’m so fucking curious as to who his first visitor is going to be omg. either way it’s going to be interesting af, and either way fandom is probably going to feel some way about it but OH WELL

okay now his thoughts are getting more coherent! and he’s remembering Touya, and feeling regret for freezing up and forcing Shouto to deal with everything instead

!!! OH HERE GOES BRACE YOURSELVES Y’ALL IT’S ABOUT TO GET SPICY

NO TOUYA PLEASE DON’T CRY HONEY NO PLEASE

ohhhhhhh man

okay, I mean I didn’t expect you to, but so instead then you’re just going to do... what? lie there and wallow in regret and self-pity for the rest of your life? son you know that’s not how we deal with our problems here in Shounen

though also, I totally do get it though. honestly, thinking on it, I probably would have been disappointed with any other response. but so this is where the rest of his family (including his adopted son) come into play now though, because like it or not they’re all in this thing together. and so friends, I am once again asking you WHO IS GOING TO BE THE ONE TO VISIT ENJI FIRST

AHHHHHHH

KRANCH!!!! OMG AND THE OTHERS ARE SO TINY NEXT TO HIM THAT I ALMOST DIDN’T SEE THEM AT FIRST. IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE TWENTY MILES AWAY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS REGULATION HOCKEY RINK OF A ROOM

holy shit I’m so excited lkjlklhlglkasdsjldfk

SDKFJLSKHLKJL

the way she has him by his collar lmaoooo. “lol nah you’re not going anywhere pal.” damn straight, siblings have to be ride or die in situations like this. banding together for survival. strength in numbers

OH MY STARS I’M JUST WARNING YOU NOW THAT I’M ABOUT TO DISSECT EVERY LAST REMAINING PANEL OF THIS CHAPTER PROBABLY YOU GUYS. WE COULD BE HERE A WHILE

love how Fuyu has absolutely no idea how to segue into THE SINGLE MOST AWKWARD CONVERSATION SHE’S EVER HAD, so she just GOES FOR IT in pure small talk mode like they’re meeting up for brunch somewhere

I KNOW IT’S A SMALL THING, BUT I APPRECIATE THAT THE FIRST THING ENJI ASKS IS WHETHER THEY’RE OKAY

lastly while I can’t wait for more of this delicious Natsu angst, I also just have to say that Enji has as much reason to cry right now as anyone on the planet. you can’t deny that being confronted by your not-dead-but-you-thought-he-was-dead son who’s all “SURPRISE DAD I GREW UP TO BE A MASS MURDERER AND I HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING IS ALL YOUR FAULT AND NOW I’M GONNA MAIM YOUR OTHER KID” with a side order of “EVERYONE HATES YOU AND SOCIETY IS CRUMBLING AND NOTHING WILL EVER BE GOOD EVER AGAIN” is enough to bum pretty much anyone out. there’s a Pagliacci the Clown joke here somewhere. BUT DOCTOR, I AM THE NUMBER ONE HERO

oh man lol he is seriously falling apart

damn. like you guys, I’m sorry, go ahead and cancel me, but I do feel compassion for the man. it’s therapeutic for me to see an abuser actually feel remorse and be truly sorry and want to change and want to make it up to his family. and it’s also compelling as fuck to read a narrative about a family that’s trying to grapple with that, because let me tell you straight up, as someone who’s done a version of that song and dance -- it is exhausting. it is a piping hot mess. it’s a gigantic mishmosh of extremely volatile emotions that all somehow all contradict one another. love, hurt, hope, anger, betrayal, resentment, attachment, longing. it’s something you can both be desperate for and also want nothing at all to do with. and attempting to portray all of that and write about it is a monumental task, and one which Horikoshi has done so, so delicately thus far, and damn but I appreciate it. anyway, so I’m here and I’m ready for my latest helping of Todoroki Fam Feels you guys

GASP

oh man. OHMANOHMANOHMAN. CAN IT REALLY BE. IS THIS THE REDEMPTION ARC OF CHAPTERS 100 AND 200???

LMAO SHE’S ALL “WE ALL FEEL BAD YOU JACKASS STOP CRYING ABOUT IT”

LAY INTO HIM REI!! SORRY ENJI YOUR PITY PARTY HAS BEEN CANCELLED IN FAVOR OF A “SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT” PARTY COURTESY OF QUEEN ELSA OVER HERE. THE PEOPLE TOOK A VOTE AND WE WANT LESS WHINING AND MORE ACTION

oh my god look at this lady folks

NOTE THE HAIR BLOWING IN THE NONEXISTENT WIND. NOW WE KNOW WHERE SHOUTO GOT THIS POWER FROM

(ETA: btw guys, seeing Rei handle this crisis like an absolute champ despite everything she’s been through is everything, though. I’m reminded of Hawks’s line last week about people sometimes unexpectedly finding liberation when they’re backed into a corner. like things may be shit but goddammit her kiddos need her.)

THE CHAPTER IS ALREADY ENDING SOB, IT’S ONLY A 17-PAGER THIS WEEK, BUT GODDAMN WHAT A WAY TO CLOSE

oh my god. oh my god oh my god. AND FUCK YOU HORIKOSHI FOR CUTTING IT OFF THERE sob. it’s like each week the wait for the next chapter becomes more painful. the Todofam is about to get real, and on top of that Hawks is gonna crash the party at some point down the line, and on top of that we’re still waiting for Kacchan to have his own heartfelt discussion about What The Fuck Are We Supposed To Do Next with his best friend who’s currently in a coma. all I want to do with my life is read about these three things, and all I can do is simply wait as they are portioned out in agonizing, addicting little installments every week

anyway! tune in next time as we answer the question of whether or not fandom will finally run its train of logic all the way through to its natural conclusion and somehow manage to cancel Noted Abuse Apologist Todoroki Fucking Rei. don’t act like it can’t happen. you all know nothing is sacred lol. anyways but I’m ready for anything lol, bring it

[eleanorbloom]

Insomnia (Bryce Lahela x F!MC)

Pairing: Bryce Lahela x F! MC (Eleanor Bloom)

Warnings: N.S.F.W. Cursing.

Prompt: Day 7. Booty Call | Sex Toys | Nipple Play (Sorrry I’m late!!!!)

A/N: Hello! Welcome to my second fic for Kinktober!  It’s a lot more simplier than the first, because I had a lot of breakdowns writing it, probably because all the smut I have written between them has been kinda passionate,  and here they are just horny 😂 but I decided to post it anyway. 

I hope you enjoy it!

  Insomnia.

Eleanor woke up like she had slept ten hours, but it was too dark to be time to get up. She grabbed her phone from her nightstand and checked the time. 01.27 am. She sighed in frustration as she had four more hours to sleep. She locked the screen and closed her eyes trying to get back to sleep.

Five minutes after tossing and turning, she took her phone again and opened Pictragram. After a few minutes scrolling, she saw Bryce had liked a photo of a mutual account that was uploaded just a few minutes ago, so she went straight to his chat and typed:

Ellie 🌻: “Hey, why you up so late? 👀”

Bryce L. 👨🏽⚕️: “Back at you”

Ellie 🌻: “Can’t sleep. You?”

Bryce L. 👨🏽⚕️: “I have the best cure for sleep deprivation.”

Ellie 🌻: “Oh, yeah?”

Bryce L. 👨🏽⚕️: “Magic hands🤟🏽”

Ellie 🌻: “Where are you?”

Bryce L. 👨🏽⚕️: “At home”

Ellie 🌻: “Can I come over? 😏”      

Bryce L. 👨🏽⚕️: “I was hoping you would say that 🤭”

Ellie 🌻: “I’ll be in twenty.”

She replied before getting up from her bed and take a quick shower.

Once she was back in her room, she took the bag with the lingerie she had shopped that afternoon on her trip to the mall with Sienna. She looked at the three lacey lingerie sets, trying to choose a color: navy blue, emerald green, and garnet red. She discarded the first one because she wasn’t really feeling the blue vibes that night, and the last one because even if she was already excited about meeting up with Bryce, that wasn’t an occasion to wear red, so she took the emerald lacey lingerie and put it on.

She looked at the mirror really pleased with herself. The color looked fantastic in her bronze skin, and it made her realize what was the perfect dress to complement her sexy attire for the night. A long blue floral wrap dress with a slit in the middle of her right thigh. It exposed the lacey in her cleavage the right amount and fitted so perfectly around her body, that it made her waist look thinner than it was.

Once all dressed up, she applied a bit of makeup, just red lipstick, and mascara, and then she requested a uber, which arrived in a few minutes.

Ellie 🌻: “On my way 👄”—She texted him from the car.

Bryce L. 👨🏽⚕️: “Finally 🥵”

After a ten-minute ride, she knocked on the door of his apartment with the anticipation about to come out of her mouth. She had been stressed for days since Dr. Ramsey had elected her as the number one in the competition for the Junior Fellow position, and a good bang was the only thing that could ease her from the frustration she had been feeling since that day. 

“Hey”—Bryce greeted as he opened the door, grinning broadly at the very sight of her. He was wearing a blue and pink Hawaiian shirt and dark blue jeans. —"I didn’t see you today”

“I had 24 hours shift yesterday”—She replied getting inside.

“Oh, that explains a lot.”

“You missed me?”—She murmured in a sultry voice, leaning close to see him directly in his amber eyes.

“Maybe”

Eleanor discarded her purse on the entry table at one side of the door.

“You were hoping you would find me scrolling at this time of the night, mmh?”

“Were you?”

“Maybe”

Bryce looked down her body. She was wearing a black leather jacket and under that, the reason his bulge grew painfully under his pants, making him groan.

“Hot damn.”  

Eleanor, completely aroused by the way he was inspecting her body, kissed him hard and wet. He pulled the jacket out in response, tossing it on the floor, and embraced her by the small of her back, his warm hands roaming over the fabric of her dress.

Her perfume intoxicated him all of a sudden. The musk, vanilla, and popcorn reached him like a hurricane of sensations that forced him to go down her neck and chest and obtain every bit of her smell and drink every inch of her sweetened skin, like a craving man.

“You smell so good, Elle”—He sighed.

Then, Eleanor took his hand and brought it to the tie of her dress, inviting him to undo it.

Bryce gave her an intense look, gulping at the very thought of what he would find under the fabric of her dress. She smirked, raising a brow at his hesitation… or contemplation? After a few moments, he pulled the tie down and the fabric slowly began to slide to each side of her body, exposing the emerald lingerie.

“Holy shit” —He breathed, chewing his lower lip as he roamed his eyes over the lacey and sating lingerie perfectly framing the curves of her waist, hips, and thighs.

“Like what you see?”

Bryce slid his hands over her shoulders, throwing her dress to the floor, leaving her body now only adorned with her lacey underwear.

“Like is an understatement.”

“Smooth”

“I am not always?”

His soft hands traveled over her generous cleavage, and then he placed them over her breast, cupping them perfectly, earning a shiver and a whimper from her mouth.

“If this is my reward for every day I don’t have the chance to see you…”—She stopped him mid-sentence kissing him again and pushing him toward the wall, a sharp sigh coming out of his throat. He looked down at her unbuttoning his shirt, exposing his taut muscles with every button undone until she tugged it down to the floor, impatiently.

The moment his skin was exposed, she brought her lips to his collarbone, and went down to his chest, massaging his pecs with both hands and kissing him all over his skin. The firmness of his muscles turned her on even more, imagining his arms picking her up, her legs around his waist, his bulge pressing her core, his hands touching every sensitive spot of her body just as she liked.

Her folds were growing swollen between her legs, sensing how close she was to feel him inside of her again. His hands roamed her back until he reached her bum, taking it with both hands before sliding both under her underwear, now gripping it tightly.

 Eleanor in the meantime started unfastening his pants, and Bryce growled against her mouth when she sank her hand under his boxers, and stroke his throbbing dick waiting for some kind of relief.

He slid his hand up, unclasping her bra, bending down to suck her nipples. Eleanor breathed heavily at the pleasant sensation of his soft hands and his hot breath against her sensitive skin, making her moan when his tongue started to lick her hard nipples.

After a few moments, she pulled his silky brown hair to make him face her. Bryce looked at her agape and confused, her lips plumped and wet.

“Fuck me. Fuck me now”—She demanded, almost out of breath.

“Fuck, yes, of course”

Eleanor took a step closer to the entry table, opened her purse, and grabbed a condom out of a box, and handed it to Bryce.

He received the condom and opened the wrapper instantly, while she was pulling out her panties. Once completely naked, she leaned against the table, lifting her butt so Bryce could take her from behind.

She felt his pulsing cock between her butt cheeks, and his hand gripping her hips. Then, one hand roamed towards her folds, checking how lubed she was before entering her.

“Holy shit, you’re almost dripping down there”

“That’s for you.”—She sighed—"Now, please.”

“Of course”

Bryce pushed himself against her in one swift and precise movement, stealing a yelp from her. He moved slowly at first, feeling her folds enveloping him, breathing in when he was entering, breathing out when he pulled out of her until he began to take speed gradually.

“More”—She sighed.

Bryce obeyed and started to move against her at a quick speed, the flesh colliding, his hands gripping in ass firmly.

“Yes… Come on.”

“You want harder?”

“Please”—She begged in a tiny voice, and she felt how Bryce buried his finger on her skin, almost pinching it as his thrusts reached a senseless speed.

Eleanor cried out the moment he picked up the speed she desired.

“Shit, Elle, you feel so fucking good”

“Fuck yes, keep it going, Bryce.”

Bryce focused on trying to delay his orgasm, but it was difficult with the speed and how much he loved hearing Eleanor crying out his name.

He took her by the shoulder and pressed her body to his, still rocking against her, but at a slow pace. His arms encircled her body, touching her breast with one hand, and fingering her clit the other.

“Oh god, fuck”

“You like it?”

“Please don’t stop”—Her begging whimper drove him crazy.

“Okay”

His fingers picked up speed until he heard her squealing in his ear as she arched her back against him, leaning the nape of her neck on his shoulder. Her legs were trembling and her moans erratic. Without waiting, he pushed her against the table, this time to thrust her until reaching his peak of pleasure and her second. Their bodies crashing invaded the room with obscene echoes, denoting the impossible pace he had picked up. Eleanor was out of breath, her raspy voice barely a groaning, her pleasure losing in her throat.

“You’re fucking amazing, yes. —She whispered until she found the last drop of energy to cry out the moment she reached her second climax.

Bryce kept moving until he let himself release, cumming inside her with a deep groan.

“Fuck, Eleanor!”

He leaned over her warm and sweaty back, while Eleanor was completely motionless over the table, gasping for air. After a few moments, he took her hand and drew her to the couch, where both laid with legs intertwined, her head resting over his chest, and Bryce wrapping her with her strong arms.

Even if the orgasm had killed a great part of her tension, the feeling of his warmth and skin against her seemed to do the rest. 

“How’s that insomnia?”

“Worse, I can’t go to sleep if I know I can be fucked again the same way.”

“Or better.”

“Better would mean not be able to walk tomorrow, and I’m not sure if I want that. Besides, you would mess with me for a week for that.”

“No way, a month, at least. And it wouldn’t be because I wanna mess with you, but because I want you to remember how good I did you tonight. Can you blame me?"

"Not at all. And you, ready to go to sleep?”

"Hell no, I didn't make you come over here just for one round."

“Good, because I know exactly what I want for the second round.”    

____

Taglist:  @romewritingshop @utterlyinevitable @starrystarrytrouble @lahellacute @kiteplayschoices @lahamseiroshoe @lucas-koh @fuseboxmusebox @princesslahela @mckenzie-bae @choicesficwriterscreations @lucy-268 @interobanginyourmom​

Let me know if oyu wanna be added or removed from my Kinktober taglist!

[jrwiyuri]

hello i saw your tags on my post and i'm new to jrwi as a whole, i'm only on ep 16 for riptide but i am begging you to infodump to me about riptide tell me everything you've got ping me talk to me who's your favorite character

aHSKjd Okay so honestly I don’t even have a favorite?!!

Like I’ve tried to think about one but I love them all so much equally and they’re so great!!

Chip is such a god damn bastard but I love him so god damn much (he is trans. I know this for sure 100% it’s real Bizly literally told me <3)

He’s so loyal and kind and loving and omg;; his relationship with Ollie?? Fucking lvoe rhat holt shit catch me crying I love the fact he loves kids man ajfkajfksbf

I just rlly like his personality and I also think his morals are a bit interesting. From what I can tell he is very loyal to friends, strangers are a no go and he’s willing to put them in danger over his fitness & himself, and he has a strict no kill rule even with villains (for the most part anyway,)

Plus his entire thing with Arlin? Love that- <3

Gillion is very interesting and I’m so invested into him! Like besides his whole being clueless about the over seas, his entire moral guidelines are very strict and can put the crew into a lot of situations. (But he’s also very self sacrificing so like aha holy shit don’t die 👉👈)

I want to see what happens if a situation presents him with two choices that both seem morally wrong to him and whats he do. I’m just intrigued on his moral guidelines in general

I’m ALSO intrigued on his prophecy and in general culture and I wonder if that’s going to also cause conflict and if he maybe eventually with defy his people / prophecy? Perhaps he feels / realizes that maybe the prophecy is actually shading his moral beliefs or maybe it’s something else Idk!! I have no damn clue but it’s exiting!!!

Also his entire deal with the Dream guy? So god damn scared!!!! (If I had a nickel for every time a dnd character played by Charlie slimecicle made a possibly reckless and not well thought out deal with a more powerful entity & gained a symbol on their body I’d have TWO nickels which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happens twice and based upon the first nickel I’m very scared <3)

But like I do also really like goofy Gill. No serious moral dilemmas, no trying to kill ur friends for honor, just him being him- even if he’s fuckin clueless ^^; (also he’s pangender and Pansexual. It’s real I swear charlie slimecicle sent me a dm I have proof )

And jay!!! The one brain cell (and cannon bisexual?? Fucking hell yea! Also she uses she/he/they pronouns because I condi literally told me on a phone call I had with him it’s totally real I swear)

I feel like I don’t have much to say about jay and I feel very bad but like I’m super interested into her backstory and overall goals more!!!

Her past with with navy is very interesting with the navy and shit?? Like that’s so cool and please tell me more Jay!! You want to open up to ur possible probably trauma and dealings so bad ooOk

She’s is very much a middle child out of the group both literally and physically.

Her dynamic with chip is fantastic and I hope one day she bears the shit out of him just for fun (I mean, Gill already got to- its jays turn now! /hj)

Some other people I’m very excited for are the Lizzie girl who is like the biggest pirate?? I find it very funny that chip is jealous of her but I also just would really like to know more about her 👀👀

And like I already said I want to go more into each of their backstories (well I guess not chips since we know his backstory) & also just to see what the future holds!! Especially with jay since out of the three we know the least about her and what her biggest goal would be (chips is obviously to find the black rose & we can assume gillions is for him to fufill his prophecy)

I think I just- I am excited for the world building snd what other cool secret shit is to come from all of this! I want to know how deep this shit goes and if things like the navy, the thing with the black rose, and gills prophecy could be connected OR clashing in some way?!! (And maybe Lizzie? OH and of course mr Dream daddy- I’m so damn afraid for him)

[eyrieofsynapses]

so today I just watched the first episode of Almost Paradise! And I’ve gotta say, I am impressed. I already had it on my watchlist but I was planning to wait to watch it for a while until I could let Eliot fade a bit from memory, just so I wouldn’t automatically think of him while watching Kane. But I ran into an article this weekend about how it was filmed in the Philippines and the details of that, and my curiosity was piqued considerably more, so I figured... why not? 

(I also started White Collar this weekend and that was very enjoyable, but that’s a post for another day.) 

Anyway, my brain’s buzzing now, so have some first impressions and reactions, plus initial meta-analysis because I am intrigued. In hindsight I probably should have recorded first impressions while I was watching, but I’ll do my best to remember the bits that stuck out. Warning for... exceedingly long post.

ooo, okay, so he’s got a medical condition. I faaaaintly remember reading about this in the summary but I didn’t pay much attention to that, oops.

telling a guy played by Chris Kane not to get his heartrate up! that’s definitely gonna happen. definitely. one hundred percent. not like this guy loves fighting or anything

(also tbh the joke about, ah, sexual dysfunction admittedly left a sour taste in my mouth, because I do not go for that kind of thing, but... this is Devlin and Kane, so I’m trusting, based off Leverage experience, that they aren’t gonna be too inappropriate. [In hindsight there are actually interesting meta reasons for this so the sour taste has dissipated somewhat.])

this poor doctor. she’s so done with him. 

...he’s definitely not gonna pay attention to the monitor is he

that journal’s gonna get zero use oop

(I was duly impressed when he actually did use it later)

huh, liking how we immediately dive into the effect tourism has had on the Philippines. so we’re getting some commentary here too? I can deal with that

...wow. bad shop. eek

I’m sorry but I am loving the touch with the floorboards and such breaking beneath Alex. the look on his face is just perfect

and the monitor goes off! for tbh the last reason I expected it to first go off for, excellent 

MOTORCYLE? did they give him a motorcycle?!

awww no it’s the baddies who have the motorcycle :(

hmm this should be interesting. loving the look of this leader guy tho

--aaaand good asthetic guy is dead! with an ice pick! creepy and creative! 

bar. no way this could go wrong

internal battle! understandable that Alex wants out, buuuuuuut if he’s anything like I suspect he is--

--yup, picking a fight, with a damn pool cue--

--not picking a fight?

...picking a fight. by being friendly. *sigh*

yuuuuuuuup. that’s definitely good for your heart

badass fighting scene! with a pool cue, that’s a new one! love seeing Kane take ordinary objects and turn them into fighting tools

(ngl this had Eliot vibes. that said I am thrilled to see how damn good these fight scenes are and this is making me even more excited for Redemption)

aaaaaaaaaand oh fuck this was a police setup. which. I actually did not see coming, huh

ahahah they’re pissed! because he messed up their bust? or because he just saved their asses? 

...probably technically the former but I suspect the latter is also true

refusing to get Involved being foreshadowed by his indecision earlier! of course he’s going to get Involved anyway, only question is how

“hitter” I SEE YOU. I SEE YOU AND YOUR REFERENCES. I SEE YOU DEVLIN AND KANE

pfffffffffffFFFFFT the meditation, oh gods

that voice. oh Alex. 

I genuinely cannot tell if this is him actually trying or if this is him begrudgingly making an attempt because he has to

lacquering(?) the doors, which, hey, actually look pretty nice--this place is gonna look good when it’s done isn’t iii--

oh fuck Alex is being attacked

(this is definitely something to be concerned about. yes. totally. not like we haven’t already seen him take down a bunch of guys.)

with a garrot! this is definitely totally not how he’s gonna get Involved

oh my gods the detail with the paint. nothing says Competent like getting irritated at how the baddie interrupted your house restoration

hehehehe Involved

oooh, hmm, he thinks they sent the guy after him? what kind of corruption has Alex faced? I mean it’s not an unreasonable fear, but jeez, it sounds like this has happened to him before. doesn’t say much good about the DEA...

huh, this is a level of disturbed I haven’t seen from Kane before. which, granted, I have only seen him in Leverage, but I’ve never seen him pull this out before. the voice crack is an excellent touch

also, worth noting, Alex is definitely a notable level of... hmm, paranoid? this is just a tad bit frantic, though that’s understandable from a guy who almost got killed while in the middle of an attempted meditation

oh god being cocky in the middle of a briefing. poor Kai 

--being cocky and competence porn! of course he takes the watch and turns it into a lesson

...he must be a hell of a teacher

(also, bonus points for actually using the journal. maybe he’s taking this health thing more seriously than I thought he would?)

may I repeat: COMPETENCE PORN

uh-huh, you’re so not involved, definitely, Alex, not like you’re gonna get pulled straight into this or anything

Ernesto is just watching to see how things play out, Kai is... trying to do things the right way, and Alex...

...Alex gives precisely zero fucks. buddy you are so not subtle

right, walking straight into the lion’s den! radiating confidence! terrifying

this is a disturbing level of truth he’s sharing for this lie. I mean, best lies are crafted from truth, but... jeez

hm. so is Alex also a “I don’t like guns” type guy? 

(probably not for the same reasons as Eliot doesn’t [his is definitely more in the “they make it too easy to kill” department whereas I would guess Alex has either more tactical or PTSD reasons], but, hmm. this is something to watch for)

(did they know they were bringing back Leverage when they set up Almost Paradise? I’m genuinely wondering if they didn’t write some Eliot traits into Alex specifically bc they knew Kane missed playing him)

this is a fantastically confident level of grifting--what exactly did he do in the DEA, precisely?

...ah. cool asthetic guy. stuffed in the freezer. gotta admit, I definitely didn’t see that one coming. creepy! 

(and it looks like you actually managed to shake Alex a little, hah)

aaaaaand in the meantime we have Kai following his advice! in an... interesting way. hm. 

(surprisingly this does not annoy me that much in hindsight. not sure why)

and understandably, this does not go over well! except, oh, fuck, DEA guy. this ain’t gonna be good

...worse. worse than I thought. what happened to you, Alex? former partner? whaaat

“attacks”? 

this gonna be the typical “traumatized white dude has Anger Attacks” type thing? 

honestly I immediately went “probably not” given how it was handled in Leverage. wasn’t sure though. but that does leave the question of what sort of attacks? it doesn’t seem like it’d be meltdowns, so what does that leave? 

hmmm. DEA guy is an Ass. we Do Not Like him. I’ve known Alex for less than half an hour but you do not do that to him. you do not use trauma against your guy, Jerkface. 

cutting a deal? this should be interesting

...well shit. I. am sincerely hoping Kai isn’t about to walk in on anything too bad

this definitely isn’t gonna be a fight though, that I called right off the bat

--bottles. dammit

oh, Christ. attempted OD or just drunk?

just drunk! good! well, very Not Good, but better than the other thing

pffffft dunking him in the water and then him going straight back to the water when he sees her, that is both absolutely hilarious and deeply concerning

aaand I’m agreeing with Kai but also, poor guy just got confronted with a hell of a lot of things that would raise his trau--

...mm. yeah. that’d be it. 

...I. was. not expecting that much backstory info straight off. holy cow, Alex. that is. messed up. someone get this man a hug

“one of the guys that cared too much”

(...like you?)

(or is that why you won’t let yourself care now?)

fuck, there was a lot more to that boat scene than I thought. ow

partner who betrayed him like that? I’m just. gods. 

Trust Issues is definitely gonna be a Thing isn’t it

can we just take a second to appreciate how Christian Kane is playing the absolute hell out of this character

aaaand Kai brings him back to the city for a Heartwarming Reminder of why he was in the game! this is very tropey but it is, as John Rogers has pointed out, an instance of the “well-worn writing tool” rather than feeling cheesy! 

holy crap Kai has lost. a lot of people. oh man

ahahahaha classic “why did you bring me here?” line! you know why, Alex. you know why

oh, and Ernesto gets a chance to help him out! I’m already enjoying this so much

awww and Kai shows up to help encourage him! with coffee! supportive friend and very obvious but honestly okay love interest! good!!!

(what the heck is with Devlin and his crew and sticking Kane with two besties? based on Ernesto’s dynamic with him I’m guessing this isn’t gonna be an OT3 but. I am loving the trend)

“I’m gonna regret this in the morning” pfft

huh, working with the DEA agents. not like he’s gonna go off script or anything. that’s totally not gonna happen is it

hehe irritated look while they’re putting on the mic. he is so very unimpressed

--”little episodes”--episodes? 

moment of appreciation for the un-forced-feeling diversity in these police squads

“how’s the anxiety?” I’m sorry what

hold up, when we say “episodes”--are we talking panic attacks? does Alex have actual goddamn anxiety? 

...actually with PTSD? that would make complete sense. I am... intrigued. I am really hoping that that’s the case, actually, because having seen how well they handled Parker and her PTSD in Leverage (as well as Nate’s and Eliot’s) I have a lot of faith that they could pull that off really well, actually. That would be good. 

ppFFFT TAKING OFF THE WIRES RIGHT OFF THE BAT

wait what. you’re telling them everything? what’s your game here? 

“get that frikkin gun outta my face!” yup, not a fan of guns! no disarming though? huh

(also can we just. appreciate how Kane manages to make “frikkin” sound just as much like the cuss it’s replacing?)

(LET ALEX SAY FUCK)

oh. OH

hi Ernesto! hi Kai! I see what y’all doing

ohhhhhhhhhh Alex you goddamn genius. Getting rid of all of the drugs so there’s no way the precise thing he was claiming to be doing can happen. I like this

THE MEDITATION COMING ON ON THE RECORDING I CAN’T--OH MY GODS

Alex please tell me you know how to disarm a gun. please. guns are not effective at that distance

OH. OH I DID NOT SEE KAI COMING. 

got ‘em! murder confession, how did I not see that coming? good stuff

Kai can fight! 

KAI CAN FUCKING FIGHT WOW

I am very much appreciating Kai right now

also is that a FLYING KICK from Ernesto?

they better give these people more fight scenes

aaaaand straight into the water, oh god. I’m assuming this was a choice made because Alex is familiar with this territory? ...I do not think I want to know where Alex learned to fight underwater.

(I really really really want to know.) 

how the fuck has your monitor not gone off by now Alex

choking him out underwater, okay, wow 

what size are your lungs? this is long

extra kudos for excellent underwater filming and wow I am hoping the actors actually came up for air

(this is also unreasonably beautiful for a scene where you’re choking out a drug lord. the water is so pretty)

Evil DEA guy (no I am not going to learn his name, he doesn’t deserve it) is gonna be Alex’s Agent Sterling, isn’t he? this should be interesting

heh, police chief is taking his side! good stuff, good stuff

(it is very nice to see Alex getting some people in his corner after knowing what hell the DEA put him through)

Alex has fallen so damn hard for Kai. this is very very adorable actually

awww he’s really getting into fixing up the shop, isn’t he? I’m sincerely looking forward to seeing how he gets this up and going, it really looks like he’s enjoying himself

somehow I am starting to wonder if the cocky “oh yeah I’m opening up a gift shop how exciting huh” thing at the start wasn’t... actually genuine. he... is enjoying this, isn’t he? good. very good

I am unreasonably invested in this man’s wellbeing for one episode in

!!!!!!!!! HE GETS HIS PARADE

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

giving him his reason to keep going! yes! yessss

oh Alex you are attached now. you are very attached. good luck my dude and don’t let the trust issues get in the way

this is a good show. this is a heckin awesome show. 

also, side note, it is SO PRETTY

I am just loving loving loving all of the scenery. competence porn AND landscape and city porn. beautiful. perfection. excellent

...that was. much longer than I anticipated oops 

anyway, conclusion: hot damn this is a fun show! I am very excited to keep watching this. Alex officially has my heart, even if he’s a bit of a cocky bastard sometimes. Kane is fucking hilarious. (More reasons to be excited for Redemption!) Kai and Ernesto also have my heart, and I am extremely interested to see their character development. 

Honestly, the beauty is surprising. I didn’t expect to just enjoy how pretty it is. The blues of the ocean, the intense tropical colors, even the run-down gift shop--there’s such a gorgeous aesthetic to it all. If I wasn’t already invested in the characters and plot, I’d be invested for that alone. 

So... I have some thoughts on Alex and the show structure.

He’s obviously very disillusioned. There’s a lot of nods to the idea of war--he’s commonly referring to himself as a soldier, as a veteran, maybe as a casualty. I’m gonna take a totally wild guess here and say this show is going to be focused on the drug issues in the Philippines. (Wow, Synapse, how the heck’d you guess that?) I do find describing the war on drugs as a war, and going into the terminology that comes with it, very appropriate, and I like how this show is actively calling this to attention rather than using it as a convenient plot. They’re actually addressing the issue and discussing its impact. And given how overlooked certain aspects of the impact of the drug war on the Philippines is, this is a good choice, especially in order to alert American viewers to the issue. I’m curious to see how they handle that.

Again, interesting drawing parallels to war, too, and comparing it against the likes of WWI and Vietnam. It really gives that sense of weight to the issue and defines a vital aspect of it: the impact of the war on drugs on the people involved. It emphasizes that the people who are fighting it suffer consequences and PTSD just as a soldier in the field does, and it also emphasizes, with Kai, that it isn’t just the people actively fighting who bear the consequences. It’s also the people on the sidelines--it’s the families, the people on the streets by the gunfights, the economical impact, etcetera. 

But there’s also an element to Alex’s character that automatically makes him relatable to a lot of people... and it has nothing to do with the PTSD, nothing to do with the war on drugs, nothing really to do with the main issues. It is, simply, the intense hopelessness and depression that comes with trying to make a difference. In his case it’s making a difference on a severe worldwide issue. But the vast majority, if not all, of Almost Paradise’s audience should be able to relate to a feeling of never doing enough. And there’s certainly a large section of that group who can relate to being part of a fight that never seems to end. Doesn’t matter what you’re doing--if it’s driven at helping, it rarely ever feels like you ever do enough. But the advice given is excellent. One of the best things to do, when you’re feeling hopeless over this, is to focus on and take deep joy in the impact you do make. 

Alex is an expression of a frustration that a lot of people deal with. This, I think, is one of the reasons why he instantly drew me--and presumably the rest of the audience--in (outside of a fantastic actor and great humor). He’s relatable. He’s something that most people can see a part of themselves in. 

Anyway, symbolism and real-world talk aside, this is just... fun. It’s genuine fun. We’re covering rough issues, but there’s a lot of well-written tropes in here too that are written in that way that makes them enjoyable to relive rather than painful. The humor is delightful and plentiful. There’s a lot of beautiful feel-good moments. I’m suspecting this’ll be a comfort show, and I am perfectly all right with that. 

Onto the next episode!

[godwithwethands]

lmao i don't know all your shipping preferences but can i say, i much prefer sam with ba'al than with jack (this might be because i'm a high jack/daniel shipper but also, i just prefer the sam/ba'al vibe over the sam/jack vibe)

I'm a multishipper so I ship pretty much everything simultaneously: I love JackDaniel too 🥰🥰🥰 They are so cute and so good for eachother 🥺

Honestly yeah I prefer the vibe of BaalSam to JackSam as well 👁️👅👁️ But that's personal taste and interpretation of course 🥴

Oh no now I feel like explaining in depth why I love Baalsam and why I ship it... oh no... someone stop me 😩... LET'S FREAKING GO I'M GONNA EXPLAIN WHY!!!!

Mino’s “Here’s why I love BaalSam so much” aka just me gathering up the few baalsam crumbs the show writers, Amanda Tapping and Cliff Simon left in their wake....and baking a cake with those crumbs.

Before I start, PSA: English is not my first language, so please bear with me if there are any mistakes 😭

Okay so I feel like at first I can't explain it without mentioning the differences with jacksam, and to all jacksam shippers: I love jacksam to bits too and they're so good, as the show has showed us multiple times, but I miss a little spice here 😩🌶️

I will also briefly talk about things I have found in Baalsam fics that I adore in (Fic points)!! And link back to fics I love with (x)!!!!

(Mid-writing note: I realize I say a lot about Baal and less about Sam, and that is because I just think about Baal way much than I think about Sam, mainly because we have so little Baal screentime compared to Sam’s screentime. I often wonder how/what he feels and try to analyze his behavior closely. 🥺 I don’t do it as much with Sam, sadly 😭

1. The ship dynamic scale (totally made up by yours truly, me 😎)

I often describe the ships I prefer as "A is obnoxious and B is struggling to stay sane" (maybe because it is a description of my own relationship??? 🤔) (this is exagerrated for fun and giggles don't worry i am fine and happy). They are all a variation of this, in different levels. I'd say jacksam fits level 1, Jack being obnoxious sometimes but in an endearing, jokingly, "aww you're such a goof 😍😂" way, and Sam's not really struggling, she just laughs and shakes her head, her heart full of love for her man.

Baalsam on the other hand. Oh boy. They are on level 5 out of 5. What the hell. Baal is obnoxious, in the villain way. And that means, a VERY extra way. He's mean obnoxious. Putting salt in the wound obnoxious. "if you don't shut up I will punch your teeth in/shoot you" obnoxious. Sam is struggling every minute to stay sane with this crazy motherfucker. He's SO MUCH. ALL THE TIME. But joke's on her, she also thinks it's funny. 🤡 That's her sanity flying out the window.

Seriously, Sam has to put her foot down. She has to play Baal’s game and sometimes be mean too. I feel like Baalsam allows Sam to unveil her true potential. A strong woman who takes no shit from men and 2000 years old overlords. She can be 200% true, smug, mean. Maybe JackSam respect each other too much they wouldn’t dare saying/doing some things like Baalsam would  🤔 Maybe Sam is restrained by everything she lived with Jack, the respect she has for him, the 10 or so years spent having him as her superior officer.

A lot think that Sam got her smug from Jack, but I don’t agree: she was smug from the get-go in COFG. She just can’t be too smug with him around or it’d sound like insubordination. Aint she tired of being nice? Doesn’t she wanna go apeshit? That’s what baalsam is. Sam going apeshit and quitting being the perfect nice girl.

Baalsam is an explosive volcano and it ravaged me 😩💖💖💖

2. Baal is a Villain

Send him to horny villain jail!!! BONK!!! 💥🔨

Baal being a villain is VERY important. Villains are so extreme. Everything he does, he does way too hard and too much. His evil plans? As layered as an ogre. Onion. I meant onion. His wardrobe? Nothing but the finest. His love? He'd give his Queen the Universe.

I love that. Everything he does, it's too much. But it's so amazing. Urghhj I love it SO MUCH. Sam is overwhelmed 😩💖 All of that for HER?? Damn, boi either really wants to get laid with her especially or.. 🙊‼️ I love the concept of a Villain’s Love because it knows no boundaries. A villain won’t be held back by things like morals, the love they feel is disproportionate......AND I DONT KNOW Sam being able to provoke this kind of feeling in Baal’s little snake heart makes me lose my absolute fucking mind!!!!! 

Very important too: even if he becomes a SGC ally in one way or another in whatever AU, Baal will still keep his good ol' villain habits. Sam would try to tone them down, but they will always be there. You don't erase 2000 years of bad habits 😭. His first solution will be murder, and she will go "we talked about this." Classical Enemies to Lovers shit  🥴💖 (x)

(Fic point: When Baal does something so extreme yet so so soooo damn sweet for her and Sam can’t believe it??? 10/10 Or when he acts on his villain plans for distasteful jokes and that puts Sam on a tight spot and he immediately feels bad at the unfair treatment she gets because of him (x))

3. The endless verbal jousting

I love watching them being mean to each other. If Baal goes too far, she /would/ hit him, and he would turn his other cheek saying "Do it again, loved it". What a freak 🥴🌶️ (x)

Honestly I just love their little sparring matches, even more so when they do it in front of an audience. Like lmao guys..... y'all flirting in front of everyone what the hell!!! BONK !! 💥🔨 horny jail for both of you. At least Teal’c seems to enjoy their jousting  😂 He even teases them holy shit, Teal’c is the true multishipper in that show!!!!

(Fic point: When they argue and come to a fistfight (mostly Sam hitting and Baal taking or blocking the hits)? HELL YEAH!!!!)

4. Admitting the other’s qualities

I’ll start with Baal:

Baal seems to appreciate the courage Sam shows in front of him. You could explain her confidence in The Quest by saying that at this very moment Baal doesn’t have an advantage on Sam since she’s the one holding the gun. There is something else, and I will bring it up later.

Let’s talk about Reckoning!!!! The situation is different, Baal actually called for help whereas he was supposed to kill everyone on Dakara. And here goes the little sparring match in front of Jacob  🤡 Sam ordering Baal around??? Being smug as hell??? 10/10 love it

It’s the first time he sees her and he’s taken aback. He should look mad, having a woman addressing him like that. But he looks rather surprised and curious of what’s going to happen next. I can literally hear the little “Hm. Interesting.” in his head. Baal enjoys that smug look on her face. Tau’ri female who??? Who IS she!!! Quick gotta be a jerk so she won’t suspect I’m crushing super hard right now!!!! Cliff Simon decided Baal will be the horny one among the System Lords and holy shit he did just that 😂😂😂 i’m sorry i’m just incohenrently babbling at this point I CANT BELIEVE THIS, I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!!!!!!! you thought that huge ass post was going to be me thoughtfully bringing points and evidence? nope it’s just me losing my shit.

I believe that, despite what Baal says, he recognizes Sam’s intelligence to some extent. He’s just too proud to say it clearly and is too busy testing Sam’s limits. The more I think about it, the more I feel like he really looked for that punch in The Quest. Some kind of... I don’t know... “What makes you so special, as a female Tau’ri, to be on your kind’s elite scout team? How much can you take before you retaliate, if you retaliate at all? Show me what you’re made of.” kind of thing? Baal has shown some kind of interest in Earthlings in the past. He has studied them while living among them and he seems to like how different they are from other humans, Now he knows she’s as fierce as she needs to be to survive in this galaxy.

Have you sEEN his smile and his laugh after she punched him in The Quest? AFTER SHE TURNED HER BACK TO HIM TOO, OH, MY GOD. He really wanted a drastic reaction from her and he got it.

That is a “I love me a woman who can kick my ass” kinda smile if you ask me  👁️w👁️...

What makes me think that it was a test is: after the punch and Sam’s threat to kill him, he stops being so annoying and they can finally work together. But why? Why did he care about being killed? He was a clone, there’s no way he was still hoping to steal the Sangraal from SG-1, so his mission as this one Baal clone couldn’t be fulfilled anyway. That makes me think that he was just testing Sam’s limits, and maybe having a little fun with her.

(Fic point: I LOVE IT when Baal gets access to the SGC and everyone gets on his nerves because he thinks they are all dumb as shit. But when he talks with Sam, he’s not so annoyed. She can keep up with him. Well, sometimes she needs a little help but- Maybe she’s okay to be with sometimes...(x))

Sam’s turn: 

It’s no problem for Sam to admit Baal’s intelligence. However the idea of working with him just makes her go [grimacing emoji]  😭 😭 😭 She just knows he’s gonna be obnoxious pfahahaha But!! She trusts and values his knowledge nonetheless! She knows that teamed up with Baal, they can solve anything. I believe that’s why she asks him for help so easily despite...Well, Baal being Baal.

I feel like, when you put the "it’s a matter of life and death” thing aside, Sam’s desire to learn could push her towards Baal. She knows there is a lot she could learn from him, and they can work together once he stops insulting her every 5 seconds. She can learn from him in those moments.

(Fic point: I love fics where Sam learns things from Baal... It’s usually very sweet, because Sam is absolutely adorable when she’s excited about science and Baal can’t help but melt a little bit when she smiles so bright at him. Thankful.) 

5. Sam’s kindness 

I said earlier that, as we all know, Baal is a villain. But what’s important here is that he is a Goa’uld System Lord. 

No trust, no kindness and love allowed between those guys. Those would leave the door open for treason and low blows. (See Qetesh in Continuum)

(I believe the only Goa’ulds truly in love we saw were Apophis and Amaun’et)

Now what I tell myself is: that must be pretty freaking lonely. In any shape or form. You can’t have friends, because you can only befriend your fellow godlings who will try to kill you at any given opportunity. Same for mates. 🤔 Baal is just alone at the top of his army and that’s all. What if this isn’t enough? He is different from other Goa’ulds.

What if Sam’s genuine worry and thankfulness towards him in Reckoning were the first time he had someone feel those towards him for like, hundreds, or even thousands of years? Not something distorted and stained by any slave-to-god adoration?

He is soooo surprised. He even stutters a little? At a loss for words when faced with kindness, you, galactic overlord? And she looks actually worried about him and his ship about to go down, when before saying thank you, she asks him what’s going on. I like to think that this first interaction shaped what Baal will think and feel for Sam forever....And that it made him a bit soft for her  🥺 Maybe he sees in Sam (and in the rest of SG-1, see: how much fun he’s having with them during The Quest) a possibility for friendship and maybe more, something he hasn’t considered for A WHILE. He seems to be thinking “did she really say that...wait what do I answer to this...uh....Good luck.......ok i said it. damn that was weird.” 

Also can I briefly talk about this??

Why does Sam look so embarrassed in a “Oh god right Dad is right there and saw all of that hUM.” way 😂 I don’t think she felt like it was creepy, since Baal was just responding to her kindness, and she definetely doesn’t want to talk about her being nice to a System Lord with Jacob bjfdjgbfdg

(Fic point: All I can think of is this fic where Sam gets thrown in a prison cell with a badly beaten up Baal (his symbiote is not able to heal his wounds because of a collar he wears), and she refuses to leave him there to die. They escape together 😭💖💖💖 (x))

6. Sam knows Baal will never hurt her

Maybe this is a result of Sam’s kindness in Reckoning, but Baal made it clear to Sam that he would never hurt her directly. And this is what I was referring to when I said “there’s something else” in Sam’s confidence in confronting Baal. This line below activates all of my monkey braincells because what the hell!!!!

That’s “I kinda like you” in Villain language is it not????? Out of all the things Baal could have answered to “You can kill me if you want”, he decides to say “I would never dream of killing you.” with a voice so soft... oh my god. Talking about soft....

Is it me or Baal’s touch on Sam is kind of gentle....like he doesn’t hold her wrist too tight or anything,,,,  🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭💖💖💖 Because honestly, another Goa’uld would have yanked on her arm so hard to put their hands on that hard drive but no no no he just closes his hand on her wrist and lets her go gently when she pulls out of his grip and AM I OVERANALYZING THIS?????? IM SORRY I GOT THAT TRAIT FROM MY DAD!!!!!!! we just have that tendency to watch things over and over again to notice all the small detailsssss

I like to think that afterwards, once the heat of the moment gone, she noticed that, hey. He /could/ have hurt her very badly, she was at his mercy after all. But he decided against it. Maybe because she’s the only one who’s been nice to him for literal cenTURIES????? HHHNHNHNHNHN I CANT!!!!!!!!!!! I HOPE SHE NOTICED IT!!!! And that it’s why she’s so confident addressing him like she does in The Quest.

I think I’ve addressed pretty much everything here and I’m going to talk about more things I like about BaalSam but more on the headcanon side  🤔

Miscellaneous: 

About Baal’s host:

I have said multiple times that Baal is different from other Goa’ulds, and I really don’t think it is just an act. 

He is willing to break the god act, change strategies when he realizes there are better ways to proceed, searching for new allies in drastic situations, etc etc... Baal is way more human than other Goa’ulds.

What if that was because Baal let his host’s thoughts influence his own?

Why wouldn’t there be asshole humans wanting to be hosts to asshole Goa’uld symbiotes? Just like the Tok’ra, but on the villain side? (even if Tok’ras are assholes lol) (except Jacob. I love Jacob) (And Martouf) (I don’t like Martouf but he’s the only one with Jacob that I consider a Real Tok’ra) (The other ones are hypocrites) (ANYWAY!)

I love to think that when Baal doesn’t have the flanged voice, it is his host who speaks, as Tok’ras do. I know symbiotes don’t have to talk with the flanged voice but. Having Baal and his host thinking so alike that it doesn’t matter if it’s the host or the symbiote talking makes so much sense to me. It really could explain his different way of thinking. Baal has shown curiosity for humans and how they think, how to better manipulate them...What if it was because of the good experience he has with his host? It could also explain why he’s the horny one amongst the System Lords 😂 He is just very human in a lot of ways.

Now you’re like “ok but what does that have to do with Baalsam” AND YEAH I HEAR YOU !!!! I just think it may be easier to imagine Baalsam for a non-shipper if you see Baal in that light?  🤔 🤔 🤔 it sure helps Sam seeing herself with him in fics 🥴 I don’t know!!! We know so little about Baal, and there are so many possibilites. I’m going way out of the Baalsam remit but at the same time, I strongly believe those who don’t understand the ship are those who stop their analysis of Baal at Abyss. He is so much more than just “that one Goa’uld who tortured and killed Jack in that one episode”. Baal has so much potential that makes this ship work!! Sam seeing that potential makes this ship work!

Sam hosting Baal (yes, the symbiote):

OKAY OKAY OKAY SO!!! This is something I LOVE to bits!!

That’s a thing that is great if as I said, Baal and his host are on the same wavelength. But it can work without it nonetheless.

Sam hosting Baal, consensual or not, is always ALWAYS such an amazing trope. (x) It’s really something that makes me hyperventilate because it makes them so close...so blended...it’s infinitely intimate... When Baal is in love with Sam, it’s even better. (x) I almost can’t describe it because it is so wonderful. Being able to feel each other’s feelings. Baal healing Sam from inside when she’s injured. Sam deciphering his emotions and most importantly the affection he has for her, especially when he still haven’t confessed it? holy shit it’s SO DAMN GOOD!!!!! The silent conversations they can have within Sam’s head, Baal pouring Goa’uld knowledge into Sam’s mind. It’s just the two of them and I can’t express how comforting that is to read.

i don’t know, random stuff I like i guess, I’m almost done: 

He just really craves her attention huh. Look at that smile, so cute...”I’m smart! Did you know I’m smart as hell? Of course you did. But I Would Like You To Acknowledge It.” He’s even bouncing on his heels, i love when he does that!!!! He is turning towards Sam especially too  😭💖 and she’s just ê____ê LMFAO

(Maybe this is just another “it is my speciality and not yours” moment but hey i like to give him the benefit of the doubt 💖)

Baal being “I’m tired of being a villain, I want to be loved now”...Aren’t you tired of going apeshit? Don’t you want to be nice? just a little bit?

Baal using so much petnames so easily... i’m usually not a fan of those but having him saying “my love, my sweet” etc etc oh fuck!!!!! i don’t know wHY it gets me!!! 

A lot of Baalsam fics are smutty, and while I enjoy that, I still think they have so much potential on the spiritual level. They’re both nerds and they both have so many things to learn from the other. (x)

Baal taking Sam on his ship to show her some neat space stuff.

Baal loving motorcycles just like Sam and modifying engines with naqadah.

Guess i’m just gonna link to fics I love now nvkjfdg and that I haven’t linked to already--

In the Lap of the Gods - Rating: M - Sam gets stuck in a sarcophagus with Baal. Really well thought fic, I love it!!!

The Mating game - Rating: M - Ten dates. Can I call this slow burn? It’s slow but not too slow. Please read this, it’s hilarious and so well written like- this fic makes me lose my absolute shit!

The Mating Game: Endgame - Rating: E - Read after The Mating Game. Honestly yEAH!!! Amazing sequel to an already amazing prequel, what else can I say 😩💖 you got some Host!Sam action in this too!!

Enemy Amongst Us - Rating: E - Hmmmm Sam falling for Baal is always yummy 🥴 It has more than that, it’s pretty wild!!!!!!

Those are not all but they are the ones i prefer 🥺💖💖💖 (along the ones I linked during the essay) 

I think I’m done? Congratulations for reading all of this lmao  😭💖 I hope you can see why I love Baalsam so much now!! They are just SO MUCH FUN!!! 

feel free to send me asks and stuff about this TvT/

[majicmarker]

so i’ve had a lot on my mind lately — the good, the bad, the ugly, you know the drill. i’m used to the bad and the ugly, but i think (and ofc by my therapist’s rec) i need to give a little credit to the good, too. not to mention the good is largely comprised of people, and those people deserve a sports stadium wave, yk? idk shit abt sports, whatever, but i know what the wave is and it’s like the grandest gesture i can think of, SO

listen, y’all. to get real here, i hate fandom. my time spent therein has been hit-or-miss, but the misses got me hard and contributed to some major self-loathing, etc etc. we’re not gonna get into the specifics, i don’t owe that to anyone, but suffice it to say things got Rough.

but so much of it can be so, so good. and rn i want to keep on my rose-colored glasses, and the rosiest parts for me have always been @kitten1618x and @mygutsforgarters

(quite a few others, too, but i no longer have everyone’s info. and some ppl are newer friends, or relationships that have moved more slowly. i have mad love for u guys too, obvs, but ik melissa and gus irl so we know each other More and they’re who this post is rly about atm. pls know i don’t want to harsh on anyone’s feelings)

the tl;dr version of events is i met them both via fanfic. i happened upon theirs like “bitch!!!! **i** wanna do this, they’re bomb as hell” and then i made them be friends w me. they’ll tell you they wanted to be friends w me first, but that’s not important bc **i** am the one making this post, so they can both like,, suck it.

ANYWAY.

@ melissa : so bitch listen. here’s the thing abt melissa…… i found her while browsing jonsa fic back when i cared abt GOT, and she brought me back to what i loved so much abt romance when i first started, way back in junior high, what’s up. i bad a fascination w historial romantic epics for a loooooong time — those formative yrs, amirite ladies??? — but girl i could never write it so well as melissa. immediately she struck this balance between the drama you expect from historicals and the levity of a good romance, and i was just like, “hand to god this woman must be published already, surely???”

(she’s not, but that’s ridiculous so we’re gonna skip that)

(also she’s busy?? we’ve been friends for like six years and i will never know how many kids she actually has, but the point is she’s a goddamn superhero and i’m obsessed w her, MOVING ON)

i just Had to be her friend for two reasons: 1) she’s too talented, and b) i have said that abt 2 ppl my entire life and she was the first, so i was like, “AH YES MY HOLY GRAIL”

so ofc i slid into her DMs just as effectively as that one guy i had a crush on when i was sixteen and he’s still shooting me texts every valentine’s day bc of the societal pressures i guess (it is Far Less Effective these days, he’s my age and therefore too young for me, gross, but i digress), except me and melissa go way stronger.

she reminded me of why, half a lifetime ago, i started writing romance — bc it’s fun, bc i want to. bc i can do absolutely anything i want, bc who else is gonna read it but me and whoever i share it with? it was all up to me what i wanted to do with it, and i could do anything. nothing really mattered but what i wanted, and i hadn’t felt that way abt anything in such a long time — let alone abt something i used to love so much.

melissa’s writing is so beautiful, it’s everything i wanted to achieve when i was fifteen and never got around to perfecting. and i’m totally okay w that now, bc what do i need to do myself that she’s not already doing/wants to do in the future? when i found melissa’s writing i found a missing part of me — a part i’d maybe lost, maybe i gave it up, idk, but it was totally gone until i found her fics and they fucking clicked. i had to reach out bc there was a part of me that was a part of her, and she helped me find that again w/o even knowing it.

so i found melissa via GOT, and from the start she’d been trying to get me to write some bethyl. years and years, she dropped not-so-subtle hints — and by “hints,” i mean legit directives that i watch just enough TWD to write her some beth/daryl fic. real crafty, she is.

eventually the stars aligned: i was bored w the same dynamics i’d been writing for years, i wanted smthn new, i was restless, i was line editing a bethyl fic she’d written, and — again — this shit clicked. her fic made me want to explore this dynamic i’d never done before, so i watched the prerequisite episodes (no more than that tho, i super hate the show and i’m begging y’all to not @ me abt it anymore). i found smthn that i’d been missing, smthn that challenged and excited me and brought me back around to why i love romance and, more importantly, why i want to write it myself.

so as i was starting to write bethyl, i was poking around the ao3 tag to get a feel for what had been done, what hadn’t, anything i might be missing. and goddamn BAM —

@ gus : this is where u enter dramatically thru a red velvet curtain that i don’t wanna touch (Metaphorically bc you do romance better than me and i’m cool w that bc your talent simply Cannot be touched, and Literally bc i hate velvet) — i was like, “please for the love of god let her want to write contemporary romance, i need some good fckin food”

i happened upon “doo wah diddy diddy” first. ofc the summary hooked me, forget my usual hard no against pregnancy fics (i have issues w pregnancy and that’s all anybody Needs to know, back off), but This Bitch !!!!!!! has a way with words and i wanted to be friends w her straightaway. lmao too bad for her, now she’s stuck w me

gus’s fics gave me what i wanted without having to write it myself. her style is so distinctive, she hits the notes between porn and Actual Affection that is missing from uhhhh, every romance i’ve tried?? (why is everyone so intent on the sex part?? fckin chill. at best it’s unrelatable and at worst u sound like u’d rather wear someone than fuck them, check urself)

she writes w such care, she wants you to know what she’s doing here, and what she’s doing here is combining the physical and emotional needs of both characters w/o infringing on anyone’s comfortability. you root for these characters bc they simply want to be together, no strings (and if there are strings, damn, they talk abt it).

gus makes you believe in love in the modern age. like, not to sound like one of those ppl who post fckin “no one in this generation knows how to love!!!1!!11!!” memes on facebook, those are dumb, but gus’s writing made me think “yeah man, love ain’t dead, it’s just abt how we approach it.”

(if y’all haven’t guessed yet, i have some hang-ups abt relationships. i’ve goddamn earned those. but melissa and gus both brought me back to where i needed to be — in this place where, yeah, we’ve got some shit to deal with, but we all still deserve the things we want, and those things are achievable. i could not have gotten here without them, so jot that down.)

gus is Real, she’s funny, she’s unapologetic in the way she writes. ofc she has her personal hurdles, but who doesn’t?? and tbh nobody writes a sex scene like gus does. physical, realistic, but balanced w the emotional depth that makes you root for these characters bc you can Feel how much they want each other — not just sexually, but in the less-erotic aftermath of that passion. it continues to blow my mind, bc i’ve never seen anyone do what she does. i can’t even pinpoint the specifics, bc she just… Does It. and you’re reading it like “yeah bitch that’s it,” and That’s It.

it’s fckin wild.

these two — my best friends, the lights of my life, both of whom always make me crave chicken tenders at THE most inconvenient hours bc somehow we always talk abt chicken or ice cream or ultimately DQ, but they're both so hot idec — have something special.

i really, really want them both to know that: it’s not just in how they’ve treated me as a friend, but who they are as people, in their creative pursuits. i’ve never known support the way they’ve shown me; i’ve never known this much enthusiasm or investment or belief that i can do what i want with my talent. i want them to know that i feel the same way abt them and their works.

sometimes, when i look back at their writing that completely kicked my ass, i still can’t believe that they’ve become two of my best friends. it’s totally bonkers. they’re This Talented, and they wanna be friends w my spastic ass? GIRL. i’m out.

i’m not always the best at being present, at giving people what they need when they need it. but with everything that melissa and gus have given me in the past few years, i need them to know this — honey!!! i need all y’all to know this, bc i know fandom shit is hard, but you should know some of these friendships are so, so worth all that bullshit, so —

they have so much to give, so much to say, so much to offer. i could not have kept going without them. i couldn’t believe in myself without the faith they’ve given to me. i hope that i can always give that same faith right back.

and that, babes, is what real soulmates are all about.

[imagination-of-a-melted-bitch]

A few boys from Haikyuu down with the swirl! I saw this tik tok and was like damn, I feel a little inspired! So hope you enjoy! I’ll be posting the rest shortly!

How You Meet || Haikyuu x Black!S/O

Kyotani (Mad Dog) Okay but his real name is fucking adorable

Credit

•You notice him first. You had been dragged to yet another volleyball game by your best friend to support her lifelong crush, Oikawa. You were honestly tired of hearing her beg and uplift him all within the same breath and agreed to go, once again.

•”I’ve never seen him before,” You point to the blonde who had just been switched in, making note of his odd dye job. “Who’s he?” Your best friend picks up on your lowkey excitement almost immediately and is eager to answer.

•”Oh, that’s Kentaro Kyotani but Oikawa calls him mad dog.” She’s more excited than ever now, as much as you listened to her go on and on about Oikawa she listened to you and your struggles. One always stuck with her, ‘I wish I could find a guy who was actually into black girls.”

•”You should talk to him after the game!” You go to respond but a whistle from the ref cuts the conversation short. You watch number 16 closely, almost in awe, jumping a little when he smacks the ball to the ground with enough force the shirts of the other team lift a little.

•”Holy shit.” You sit there, a little startled by his very attention catching debut of the match. “There’s no way in hell I’m talking to him.” You sit back, crossing you arms as you shake you head. Your best friend looks over at you and breaks into a fit of giggles. “What?”

•”You’re totally crushing on him!” She throws her head back and accompanies her very annoying but somewhat comforting laugh with a loud, seal-like clap. “I’m going to congratulate Oikawa after they win so you can come down and talk to him!”

•”I’m not talking to him.” She drags you down there and shoves you in his direction. It wasn’t a question, you now realize.

•Shit, shit, shit! They just lost, he’s probably pissed and kicking himself for the mistakes he made. No, no, no, “H-Hi.” You’re so shy when you finally work up the courage to talk to him.

•Kyotani picks up on this almost immediately, a small smirk settling on his face. It wasn’t often girls came up to talk to him, he was told that it’s not because he wasn’t attractive, he just wasn’t very approachable. “Hey.” He sounds so tired, and worn out, you feel bad for coming up and talking to him right after an intense game.

•You introduce yourself, all the while kicking yourself because you can’t talk without stuttering every once and awhile. Kyotani is so amused, people are usually terrified in his presence and opt for leaving before they can even finish a conversation. “I’m Kyotani.”

•God, his hands are so strong, he gives you a light squeeze when he notices you dazing off as you stare at your hands. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” You repeatedly bow, tapping your cheeks a few times to calm yourself down.

•She’s pretty. Is all he can think. You caught his attention as soon as the crowd started to come down from the stadiums, how could you not, especially with a pout like that. Kyotani’s eyes focus on your lips for a mere second more before flickering up to your eyes and it’s only then does he realize you were holding out your phone.

•”Can I have your number?” This is usually the part where they laugh in your face and reject you or politely tell you that they aren’t interested. Kyotani snatches the phone and types his number in, sending himself a text so he’d have yours as well. “T-thank you!” Your bottom lip quivers, shit, get ahold of yourself.

•”You know you’re the first person who’s ever held a full conversation with me.” He chuckles but his expression never changes, it’s still dark, almost uninterested. “I’ll see you around.” He gives you a wave and goes to shake hands with his opponents once more, Oikawa’s instruction and very much against his wishes.

•”I did it!” You squeal, turning to your best friend with a shocked look painting your features. “I actually got his number!”

Bokuto

•This time it was you to drag your best friend to yet another volleyball game. You had your eyes on a certain ace and just couldn’t turn down the offer to see him play.

•”I’ll go but only if you actually talk to Bokuto this time!” She, Mina, says this every time and every time you agree only for the game to end and for you to hurry out the gym. “I mean it! Either you talk to him or I’ll never go to another game with you.” Shes never said that before, she must be fed up.

•”I love you!” You plead, taking her hand in yours. “I really appreciate and love you!!” You repeat in a sing-song voice, batting your lashes at her. She breaks out into a smile, playfully snatching her hand.

•”Yeah, yeah, I mean it Y/L/N!” You can only roll your eyes, maybe today was the day you’d actually talk to him.

•”What the hell is wrong with him now?” Akaashi groans, watching the ace slump around the court, messing up receive for the set point from the first set.

•”Bokuto, what’s wrong?” Akaashi doesn’t have time for this, not here, and especially not now. The look on Akaashi’s face when Bokuto tells the team the reason he’s so bummed out is everything. “Really? The arena?” He’s so over it.

•”I wonder what’s wrong with Bokuto?” You find yourself worried about the adorable owlish boy, leaning forward in your seat just a little to try and hear what was being said.

•Think! Think! Think! Akaashi’s hands are on his hips as he looks around the arena, he needed something to get Bokuto out of this slump or they were doomed. “Ahaha!” He finds you in the front row in the center of the bleachers, no doubt you had gotten here super early for that spot.

•”Would you look at that?” Akaashi clamps a hand down on Bokuto’s shoulder and points in your direction. “Y/N came all this way to see you!” Bokuto’s face immediately lights up, it’s not like he’s had a crush on you ever since first year. “You can’t let her down!” That’s it, that’s all he needed.

•”I want every set!” Bokuto stands with his hands on his hips, the biggest grin on his face. Akaashi’s taken back by the request but expects no less, there’s no point in arguing.

•”Fine,” Bokuto’s eyes linger in your direction and he misses it when you look over at him as the ref blows the whistle, signaling the start of the second set. “Bokuto! I need your head in the game!”

•”Every set.” Is all Bokuto says before assuming his position. He looks at you one last time and he swoons when he sees you watching him with wide eyes and if he wasn’t motivated before he certainly was now.

•”Hey! Hey! Hey!” Every time he does that it reminds you of fat Albert and you live for every second of it. You even join him in his cheer as he lands the final blow, the ref blowing the whistle to signal the next set. “Hey!” He points to you and you can’t help but match the wide, almost goofy grin he’s wearing.

•”I see you!” Your best friend squeals, nudging your side as you look anywhere but the court. Why, why did he have to point to you out of all people. “Now you totally have to talk to him!”

•”Why? There’s no way he likes black girls...” You mumble, crossing your arms as you feel the weight of yet another unsuccessful crush fall on your shoulders. You’re pulled out of your slump when it’s Bokuto’s turn up to serve, focusing on him once again. He winks and gives you a thumbs up before sending the ball over the net. ...no way...right?

•”Girl please, he’s basically playing for you right now!” Damn her, always getting your hopes up. “Either you talk to him or I’ll talk to him for you and if I have to do it, I’ll make sure he knows you’ve stalked his Instagram on more than one occasion.” Your eyes widen at this and you’re suddenly onboard to talk to him.

•”Okay! Okay you don’t have to be such an ass!” She only laughs at this as the both of you refocus on the match.

•They won! Of course! You’re a lot less nervous when you make your way to the court, having talked down your nerves in the middle of the third set. “Hey, Bokuto?”

•He immediately stops the conversation he’s having and turns to face you, that big ole smile returning. Gosh, he’s so adorable! His smile falters a bit before it returns and you realize you said that out loud. “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I’m so sorry-“

•Bokuto takes his phone out of his duffle bag and holds it out to you. “Since I’m so adorable?” Oh my gosh, is this really happening right now? Is all you can think as you put your number in his phone, hands shaking the whole time. “Oh,” He types something out once he’s handed back the phone and your pocket vibrates.

•You pull it out to find a text from him. Your adorable Ace ;). You look up at him with the biggest smile ever, gosh, how hard am I falling for this boy?

•”Thanks for coming out! I’ll see you around?” He’s so chill but he’s totally flipping his shit on the inside. She’s actually talking to me! She smells so nice! Oh my gosh, her smile! His heart is beating a million miles a minute and the second he turns around his cheeks flush the deepest red. “I did it!” He screams, picking up Akaashi and spinning him around.

•“I actually did it!” You show Mina his contact and she breaks out into the biggest smile.

•”I told you!”

Kuroo

•”Why, why, why did I agree to this?” You’re kicking yourself as you make your way to the gym. “I don’t know any of these guys!” You cry, coming to a stop in front of the gym doors. “Maybe they don’t even want a manager!” You huff, opening the doors anyway.

•”Who’s that?” Kai asks, holding the ball in his hands at his hip. His questions causes everyone in the gym to turn toward you. You squeeze the straps of your duffle bag and bow, wanting to sink into the ground and disappear.

•”Oh yeah, surprise boys!” It’s Kuroo. You’ve only seen them play a couple of times but each time they won it was because of him. You remind yourself volleyball is about the strongest team of six but damn does he help. “This is Y/N, she just moved here from America at the start of the school year!” Kuroo bows to you and you squeak, not expecting such respect from someone of his stature.

•There’s a chorus of greetings and each and every boy comes up to you to introduce themselves. They’re smiling, they’re laughing, it’s a warm environment, maybe this won’t be too bad.

•Or maybe you were an idiot. Here you were again, for the third night in a row, creating the most absurd scenarios of you and Kuroo in your head. “Would he actually call me pretty?”

•It’s getting harder and harder to walk into practice without immediately looking for Kuroo and the others have start to notice it too.

•”If you’re going to tell him you like him please try not to give him a big head in the process.” Kenma, quiet and observant as always. “I mean, not to make assumptions or anything.” He gives you a sly smirk and continues onto the court to practice some sets.

•Why did he say that? Am I being too obvious? Do I stare too much? God, I probably stare all the time and Kuroo’s probably so uncomfortable. Why hasn’t he said anything? I should just quit and move back to America!

•”Y/N!” There’s an arm in front of your face before you know it, flexing as it took the impact of the ball. You’re frozen in your spot, unsure of what had just happened, your eyes can’t even work up the nerve to follow the ball as it drops to the ground. “Whew! You gotta be careful!”

•You look up at your savior and are terrified to see it’s Kuroo. Why? Why? Would I have rather taken a ball to the face than be this close to him? Maybe! “Uh, thanks!” Am I sweating? Where do I look? Where do I put my hands? How do I fucking function as a human being?

•”Of course! Someone’s gotta to protect the princess of the court!” There’s a few whistles from the players on the court, but you have nothing to say. Did I just hear him correctly? “Can’t let anything happen to the pretty princess of the court!” His lips curl into an innocent grin but he knew exactly what he was doing.

•”Princess?” I am most definitely shaking, I am most definitely sweating, and I am most definitely unaware of what to say. “I’m sorry, did you call me princess?”

•”Oh, I thought you knew about that!” Kuroo turns toward you, scratching the back of his neck. He looks down, reaching for his phone. He holds it out to you and shows you a contact. It’s your number that you do not remember giving to him and the name for the contact is ‘Princess of the court 👑. “See?”

•”Oh.” Is all you can say, it’s all you can muster. What the hell so I say to that? I don’t even have his number, do I? I sure hope I did because that wouldn’t make me a good team manager. You’re a mess, so much running through your head.

•”Is that weird? Should I start with Y/N and work my way up?” Damn. He was so smooth. All you could do was stare at him. You tried to speak but nothing come out. This is so embarrassing!

•”Alright, I’ll start with Y/N and work my way up.” He smiles and changes the contact name. “You better text me though!” He throws his phone onto his bag and jogs onto the court.

•That did not just happen! That did not just happen! “Y/N!” Kuroo screams and you flinch, moving to the side just in time. “Damn. It looks like I’m going to have to keep a really close eye on you!”

•Damn. That really just happened.

Feel free to send in request!

[let-it-raines]

for catch me if you can, I want to see the proposal! I really thought that was going to happen in the epilogue (which I looooooved), but since it didn't, I need to see it now please!!!!

This was literally the first Catch Me If You Can prompt I got after I posted the story (with several other requests for this coming after because you guys apparently really wanted to see this), and last night I finally got the story that was in my mind out into words! So, I hope you all enjoy this one! Thank you for being so kind to me and letting me explore my favorite little universe some more ⚾️ 

Found over on ao3 with all of the other words | here |

-/-

November 2020

“Oh my God.”

“What?”

“Oh my God.”

“What? Emma, what?”

“Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.”

“What the bloody hell is wrong?”

Emma tosses her phone at Killian and then sits up in bed, kicking away the comforter and getting her foot caught before she not-so-gracefully rolls out of bed, nearly landing face first on the rug. Or the hardwood. Yeah, she definitely would have hit the hardwood.

Probably knocked out her front teeth, too.

That would be attractive.

Oh my God.

This is happening. It is. It’s really, really happening, and Emma doesn’t know what to do. Does she actually want it to happen? Of course she wants it to happen. She’s wanted this to happen for what feels like forever. She’s waited and bided her time and written report after report and dealt with sexist men, including her boyfriend.

Okay, well, he’s a special case, but it still happened. There were still repercussions from that, and most men don’t see the error in their ways like Killian does.

There are still repercussions from all of it, from being a woman.

The hoops she’s had to jump through have been insane and unfair, but she did them anyway. She watched tapes and kept stat sheets and analyzed them and has freaking notebooks on every player on the Yankees as well as every other team in the American League.

Oh shit.

But does she actually want this?

It’s a change. She likes where she is now. She likes what she does. She likes traveling with the team and being out on the field and…

No.

No, no, no.

Fuck all of that.

She’s always wanted to be more than the pretty girl on the sidelines. She loves her job and admires every woman who has it, but she wants to be in the big leagues. She wants to break that damn glass ceiling with a baseball bat.

“Holy fuck, Swan. Is this what I think it is?”

Emma stops and turns on her heels to look at Killian as his eyes shift between her and her phone. His mouth is hanging open, and she can’t really imagine what she looks like.

Ridiculous.

Definitely ridiculous.

“It’s my offer for a final interview.”

“To be a full-time booth commentator for the Yankees?”

She bites her lip and nods her head. “Mhm.”

Killian chuckles and drops the phone to the mattress. “You’re a badass, love.”“I am a badass.”

“You’re an amazing, talented, intelligent, witty, beautiful badass.”

“Please, keep flattering me. I’ll take all of the compliments. You can make me blush.” 

“And I can see that blush all the way down.”

Emma laughs before looking down and oh shit.

She’s naked.

Like, completely naked.

She got offered a final interview for her dream job while not wearing any clothes, and how is she going to tell people that?

Well, she probably doesn’t have to tell them that. She can omit that part.

“Twenty-nine, I think I’m losing my mind,” she mumbles before walking across the room and picking up Killian’s shirt from the night before, slipping it over her shoulders before she walks back over to the bed and straddles Killian’s lap. “Is this real?”

His hands run over her shoulders, little sparks of electricity shocking her, before he’s tucking her hair behind her ears. “It is indeed.”

“I’m so excited.”

“I’m so proud.” He leans forward and softly presses his lips into hers, and she instantly melts into him. She’s vibrating with nerves and excitement and the slight desire to vomit, but Killian takes all of that away in the movements of his mouth and the curl of his tongue with hers. She has so much to do, so much to prepare for, but that can wait for at least this moment. “I am proud no matter what happens going forward.”“Yeah, well, that’s because you’re far too supportive.”

“Hmm,” he mumbles before wrapping his arms around her until he’s shifting her onto her back. “Now, you really shouldn’t have put this shirt on.”“And why’s that?”

Killian looks up at her and winks. “I think we both know the answer to that.”

-/-

Emma doesn’t sleep for two weeks.

Killian probably doesn’t sleep because she tosses and turns throughout the night.

It might be the least amount of sleep she’s gotten in her entire life, and that’s certainly saying something considering her childhood and the amount that she doesn’t sleep when she’s traveling for work.

There might be less of that soon.

Or not.

She doesn’t know.

She has to be a shoe-in for the job, but there’s this part of her that still doubts that the networks are going to make the right decision. So many men still think women don’t belong in sports, especially male-dominated sports, and she has been told one too many times that her job is to be a pretty piece of ass in a tight skirt.

What if they don’t want her doing anything other than that?

What if they don’t even let her go back to that?

“Go back to bed.”

“What?”

Killian rolls over and wraps his arms around her waist, pulling her back to him and pressing his nose into the back of her neck. He’s so damn warm. Maybe that’s just the way her heart is pounding with her thoughts.

“Go back to sleep,” Killian murmurs. His lips flicker across her skin, and she shivers. “You’ve got an early morning, and you need to go to sleep.”

“You’re a pot calling a kettle black.”

“That’s an old-fashioned saying.”

“I’m an old-fashioned girl.”

Killian snorts into her neck and spreads his hand out over her stomach. “That’s a lie if I’ve ever heard one.”

“Shut up.”

“I would if you would go back to bed. I know you’re nervous, but you can’t be tossing like that. You’ll be dead in the morning.”

“I can’t sleep.”

“You can,” he whispers. “I promise. In eight hours, it’ll be over, and then we can celebrate.”

“I’m not going to know if I get it right after the interview.”

“We’ll celebrate the possibility. I think a pie is calling your name.”

“Oh, so you’re going to be stress baking while I interview?”

“Absolutely.”

“At least pie will come out of it.”“And your dream job, Swan. That too.”

-/-

She nails the interview.

Or, at least, she thinks she does.

She’s honestly got no idea, and if she replays it in her head enough, she’s going to convince herself that she completely and totally screwed it up.

She didn’t she couldn’t have.

Hell, at least Killian made pie.

And at least it’s the off-season after the shittiest season in the world, and they can sit on the couch and catch up on all the TV they missed and mope together. That’s all that really matters anyway.

“This is really good,” Emma murmurs as she scoops some of the pie out of the pan. “I don’t think I’ve eaten in weeks.”

“Well, now you’re free to eat and sit on the couch as much as you want.”

Emma leans over and presses her lips to his cheek.

“Good.”

-/-

She gets the job.

She gets the freaking job.

And words and emotions and everything else in the world can’t really describe how excited or emotional she is. This is her dream. This is what she’s always wanted. Well, not always. Bit for the past decade? This is what she’s wanted.

And she got it.

She got it, she got it, she got it.

-/-

“Oh, come on, come on,” David laughs as he stands from his chair and whistles. “Everybody take a moment and listen to me.”“What if we don’t want to?” Will shouts out.

Out of the corner of her eye, Emma sees Belle playfully shove Will and Liam do the same thing.

“I guess you’re out of luck then,” David continues. Killian wraps his arm around Emma’s shoulder, and she rests her head there. David really shouldn’t be giving some ridiculous speech when everyone has been here for approximately two seconds. He also really shouldn’t be giving one because she specifically said no to that. “Emma is probably dying inside because she told me I wasn’t allowed to do this, but I am her brother and love to embarrass her. But I will keep it short, though. Emma has worked hard for this, has had crazy situations thrown at her from every direction, and I could not possibly be more proud of her and the life she’s created for herself. So, here’s to Emma.”

That was a hell of a lot shorter than she thought it was going to be. Thank goodness.

“To Emma,” everyone echoes.

“To you,” Killian whispers into her hairline.

“Alright,” Elsa claps, “who wants to eat?”

“I do,” Addy screeches as she climbs up onto the counters. “I want pizza.”

“You act like you haven’t eaten in weeks, Addy.”

“You made me wait for Emma to get here, and now she’s here. I want pizza.”

“Come on, Els,” Emma laughs. “Give the girl some pizza. More importantly, give me some pizza.”

“It’s your night. You can have all of the pizza you want.”

“Really?” Addy squeals.

“No. You get two pieces, kid. Emma gets all the pizza she wants because she’s a grown-up and we’re celebrating her getting a new job.”

“Is she still going to be on TV?”

“I am, kid,” Emma sighs. “You get to hear my voice even more when you watch the games on TV now, and I’ll be home more even when Killian is away.”

“Good,” Addy says as she gets her plate of pizza. “You do better braids than him.”

“Oi, that’s harsh right there, mate,” Will mutters.

“It’s the truth,” Liam agrees as Emma snickers. “Emma does do better braids than Killian, but I obviously do the best.”

“I’m feeling attacked,” Killian mutters as he slides around Emma and starts filling his plate. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t taught how to braid here. I will have to endeavor to learn so I’m no longer bad-mouthed at celebrations that are obviously about braiding skills.”

Everyone starts getting into the pizza and chips, the vegetable platter staying unsurprisingly full, before spreading out across the main floor of Liam and Elsa’s house. If Anna were here, she’d be appalled by the fact that they’re having pizza instead of a homecooked meal to celebrate, but she doesn’t know how damn good this pizza is.

Or how good the conversation is.

Or how good it feels just to know that this year, with all of its ups and downs, has turned out to be a lot better than she ever could have expected three weeks ago. And she gets to still think that with the horrible season they just finished and all of the other shitty stuff that happened this year. She gets to think that because she deserves this for all of the shit the baseball world has put her through.

She’s never thought that the world owes her anything, but maybe for just this once she deserves this.

She deserves it because she’s damn good at her job, and she earned this.

“Watch out on how much pizza you’re eating, little brother,” Liam starts, “wouldn’t want you to have to work off a bunch of weight when your off-season is over.”“Liam, be nice,” Elsa sighs.

“I think Killian’s good on the being fit situation,” Emma promises as she pats his stomach. “I could give you more details, but I feel like that would freak you out.”

Liam groans as Killian chokes on his food. “Swan.”“What?” Emma laughs. “I’m just saying. I think you can have all of the pizza and beer you want.”

“I’m driving tonight, so I’ll hold back on the beer. The pizza, though, I’m taking home with us.”

“So much pizza talk tonight,” Ruby groans. “I thought we were more interesting than that.”

“Oh, see,” Elsa starts, “I can quote all of Play Paws, so I’ve been boring for a long while. Liam, too. Actually, Liam more than me.”

“Hey.”

“What? It’s true.”

“You all need hobbies,” Ruby says. “Oh, oh, oh. We should go out. Like, to an actual bar. We can get babysitters for all of you guys who have procreated, and it’ll be great. Just imagine Mary Margaret dancing.”

“Rubes, stop. She’ll hear you, and you do not want her trying to prove otherwise.”

“Oh, no, I do. It’s my favorite thing in the world.”“You know,” Graham starts, “you’re not necessarily the best dancer either.”

Ruby holds her finger up. “If I get a few beers in you, you’d never know that.”

“This is going to be a thing, I can feel it.” Killian leans over and presses his lips to her temple. “They obviously don’t know about how you dance.”

“Oh my God, stop. I’m a horrible dancer.” Emma takes another bite of her pizza. This is probably her fourth slice, and she’s definitely going to regret it in the morning. Not right now though. “But I do think we can agree that the person we most need to see dance is Will because he talks a big game, but I have seen videos from spring training.”

“Oi,” Will shouts from across the room, “don’t judge me by your boyfriend’s Instagram stories. I am better than every person in this room.”

“Better at what?” Mary Margaret asks as she walks in the room with Ariel trailing behind her.

Emma groans and hides her face in Killian’s shoulder as Ruby starts laughing.

“Dancing, love,” Killian explains because he’s apparently a glutton for punishment.

“Oh, we should totally get babysitters and go out,” Ariel squeals. “I’d love a night away from Morgan.”

“That’s a brilliant idea,” Mary Margaret agrees.

Emma lifts her head from Killian’s shoulder and stares Ruby down. “See, I told you.”

“Oh, come on,” Killian laughs, “we should let them have their fun. Besides, we might have a little fun, too.”

“Let’s go next week,” Mary Margaret suggests.

“That sounds perfect, love.”

“Wait,” Emma laughs as she turns to face Killian, “we’re going to Spain next week.”

“Exactly,” Killian winks. “We’ll be safe and far away from the horrible dancing.”

-/-

“Oh my God,” Emma sighs as she falls back against the front door, “I’m exhausted. I shouldn’t have worn heels tonight. That was dumb just to hang out at your brother’s place.”

“I thought it was a great decision. Your ass looked fantastic.”

“You’re such a man.”

Killian chuckles and leans into her until his nose is pressing into her neck. “What can I say? I like the things I like.”

“Are you attempting to seduce me, Jones?”

“I was going to give it a shot.”

Emma hums as he rubs his scruff across her skin. She used to hate that, but now she enjoys the pleasant burn. It often feels weird when he’s shaved it all off. He did that last week, and she was not a fan.

It felt weird running her hands over his cheek or kissing him.

“I’m too tired, but if you play your cards right, maybe in the morning.”

“Promises, promises.”

She pushes back on his chest, and she can see the smile on his face, tired but genuine just like hers. They both definitely ate too much pizza tonight, but not enough that she doesn’t want dessert.

“I do promise. Now, let me go change, and then I want to eat some leftover pie in bed.”

“Let me guess. I’m in charge of heating up the pie.”

“You’re so smart. I knew you were learning something in college.”

Killian chuckles before playfully slapping her ass and nudging her toward the bedroom. “Go change, Swan. It’s your night. You can have whatever you damn well please.”

“Oh, I like the sound of that. Can I have nights celebrating me more often?”

“As long as you don’t let it all go to your head.”

“I would never.”

“That’s a lie, but I’ll take it. Which pie do you want?”

“The peanut butter chocolate one you don’t like. On the bright side, though, you don’t have to heat that one up.”

Killian mockingly bows, and Emma has to bite her lip to keep from laughing. The idiot.

As he makes his way to the kitchen, she heads back to the bedroom and to the closet, kicking her heels off before tugging down her jeans and pulling off her sweater and her bra. She really wants to leave all of her stuff on the floor, but Killian has done so much for her today. The least she can do is not make a mess, especially when she’s going to steal one of his t-shirts to sleep in.

God, why is hanging clothes up the absolute worst? Her side of the closet is a disaster while Killian’s is perfectly organized, and she’ll never understand how those parts of their personalities are compatible.

Seriously, he organizes his t-shirts by age, which is a lot when the man owns over one hundred Yankee-related shirts from an eight-year-career.

She wants one of the bigger ones, so she goes to the bottom drawer when he used to wear things that weren’t so form fitting to find an old, worn in shirt. She finds one, pulling it out, and then beneath it is a small black box.

Oh boy.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

Emma knows what’s in that box. It could be earrings or another charm for her necklace or anything else, but somewhere deep in her gut, she knows that it’s none of those things.

Holy shit.

They’ve talked about this. They’ve had a million vague, slightly terrifying conversations, and then one or two serious, definitely terrifying conversations over whether or not they wanted to get married or if they were okay simply being together.

They both said they were fine with either.

They also both knew which one they preferred.

She just didn’t know that it was happening now.

But it makes sense. They’ve been together for a year and a half, which isn’t really that long, but it feels like it’s always been this way. It feels like it’s always been the two of them and a team of idiots traveling across the country to play baseball and talk about baseball and eat pizza at two in the morning in hotel rooms.

It feels like this is the way it’s always supposed to be, and at no point in her life did she ever think she would feel that way.

Emma was never the girl who got to have this many good things, and this part of her does still think that if she blinks, it’ll all go away.

Slowly, she closes her eyes.

One, two, three.

When she opens them, the ring box is still there, and because she knows there’s no way in hell she’ll be able to keep her mouth shut over finding it, Emma takes the box out of the drawer and carries it with her into the bedroom where Killian is already in bed and has a piece of pie waiting for her on her bedside table. She immediately walks over to him, crawls onto the mattress, and straddles his thighs.

“So, don’t be mad at me.”

His brow arches. “Oh, it’s always a good thing when you say that.”

Emma wrinkles her nose and leans forward to kiss his forehead. “I mean it. You can’t get mad at me for what I’m about to do.”

“I feel like that is a promise I can’t keep, but for you, my love, I’ll try my best.”

Emma sighs before taking a deep breath. This is the right thing. This has to be the right thing.

She can’t not tell him she knows.

“So, I was getting a t-shirt to sleep in, and I found this.” She holds the box in front of her, and Killian’s shoulders immediately tense. That’s probably not the best sign. “And that’s why I don’t want you to get mad at me. I haven’t looked at it. I promise. I didn’t want to do that without you, but I knew that there’s no way I could see this and then not act like a total freak. So, just, if you were waiting because you were hesitant of my answer, you should know it would be yes.”

Killian’s hand moves from her thighs to her hand, and he takes the box from her. She can’t seem to look away from his eyes, though.

“I was going to wait, Swan,” he softly explains. “You were never supposed to find this, and you certainly weren’t supposed to find this when we’re in the middle of celebrating your career. This wasn’t supposed to be happening today.”

“Wait. How long have you had this?”

“A few weeks.”“And when were you going to use it?”

“The day you got the email for your interview. I had this whole big plan.”“Yeah?”“Mhm.” He reaches up to tuck her hair behind her ear, and she turns her hand to kiss his palm. “I was going to cook dinner, but I wasn’t going to make it obvious that something special was going to happen. It was simply going to be us in the living room, the lights turned down and a movie on, and I had a speech.”

“Did you?” Her heart is beating a ridiculous rhythm. “Can you say it now?”

Killian clicks his tongue. “See, if I say it now, I’m afraid it will sound forced, and we wouldn’t want that, now would we?”

Emma softly laughs and leans forward to rest her forehead against his and cup his cheeks.

“I think I would.”

“I already took so much of your spotlight away in big moments of your career. I don’t want to keep doing that.”

“Killian Jones, you have never taken anything away from me. You’ve only added to those moments.”

“Careful now. You’re starting to sound like me.”

“Count it as a good thing.”

His eyes flutter closed, but then his nose is burrowing into her cheek and she can feel his lips move as he speaks. “I remember the first day you walked into the locker room as a reporter. You were strong and confident and took no shit from any of the players. I think right then and there I knew you were a force to be reckoned with, even if I had never spoken to you.”

She had no idea he remembered that day. Absolutely none. There’s no reason he should, but he does somehow. It’s easy to forget how their lives have been so intertwined for years when neither of them put too much thought into it.

Ships passing in the night.

At least back then.

“Emma, every thought I had on that day has been proven time and time again. You are bloody brilliant in every way, and I’m a better man because I have you by my side. I don’t ever want that to change.”

“I don’t either,” she whispers. “I can’t believe you remember my first day. I didn’t even interview you.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve been known to have a good memory.”

“Much to my dismay sometimes,” Emma laughs. Her heart is still beating far too quickly to be healthy. “You make me better, too. I didn’t ever think – I – ”

“I know, love. I know.” Killian’s lips press into hers, slowly, softly, reverently. “Will you marry me, darling? Will you marry me so that nothing in our life will change except for the fact that I can walk around obnoxiously calling you my wife all the time?”

Emma barks out a laugh, and her heart finally settles because this right here is everything it was every supposed to be and she feels calm about it.

“Yeah, I think I’ll marry you, twenty-nine.”

“You think?”

“Just shut up and kiss me again. You knew my answer was always going to be yes.”

“It’s nice to hear it, though.”

“Then yes, Killian,” she whispers before kissing him. “Yes.”

-/-

-/-

cmiyc peeps: @mrtinski​ @bluewildcatfanatic @killianswannn @dorisquinn​ @onepunintendid​ @authorarsinoe​ @stunningswan​ @eala-captian @galaxyzxstark @xellewoods @mariakov81 @ultraluckycatnd @royalswan @shey-starsfury​ @superchocovian​ @sals86 @iam2307 @ashley-knightingale @karenfrommisthaven @scientificapricot @captswanis4vr @ultimiflos @jamif @idristardis @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @tiganasummertree @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @captainsjedi @teamhook @notoriouscs @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog​ @cs-forlife @andiirivera @jonirobinson64 @qualitycoffeethings​ @carpedzem​ @tornadoamy​ ​

[aglimmerintheriver]

How to mentally keep baneful spirits out - no tools required AKA How Not To Give A F*** About the Uninvited

You can find so much info on here and throughout the web about negative entities and protecting yourself from them. Just as there is so much info, there are all of these different perspectives on how our energies associate with them. In this post I hope to cover a lot of different perspectives, as well as some creative methods for dealing with baneful spirits and your own defense magic tool set.

Introduction

A lot of mythical creatures are based in energetic truth- the vampire is aligned with the energy vampire, the evil and feared witch (like in the Witch movie) is aligned with the early-Christian understanding of the Wise People. The word Witch came from Wic, which means ‘Wisdom’ in Germanic languages. Think of anything given malevolent or benevolent power in the media, and you can likely tie it to misconceptions about the witchcraft and pagan community.

In Shonda Rhimes’ “Grey’s Anatomy” there is an episode where Dr. Miranda Bailey talks about how her OCD creates negative, scary fears within the mind that feel so real that they become real, but she also says that if her mind can think up and believe in these terrible, scary things, she can also think up positive things that make her feel better about those fears- things that help create a buffer, to save her from being so afraid. I’m completely blanking on which episode this was, if you know please let me know and I’ll add it in. By bringing this up, I want to point to something that inspired me to write this post: that elasticity of our perception and of the power we hold within ourselves being dependent on our awareness of our power.

All of this to say that this is not a post created for someone experiencing demonic intrusion. I may or may not have experienced this kind of interaction and if I have, I was simply saved by calling on Jesus (holy freaking heck did not expect the Christian god to help me out but he did) and asking that he save my soul from the attack. If you are under demonic attack or believe that you are, please consult a shaman or a witch who knows how to deal with demonic power. My understanding of demons is that they were the very first spirits here, and so they are the oldest of the old and have a lot of power. That’s not to say your power stands no chance against them, but if you feel overwhelmed by the spirits you’re facing, a lot of the times it is helpful not just for our spiritual protection but also for our perception of how safe we are to call on someone outside of us for help- whether that be a deity or other type of spirit we revere as having badass protective strength or another human we believe can help protect us/banish whatever’s in your sphere.

Perception and Reality

What we believe is what we see. Another way to phrase this is, ‘Where the mind goes, your energy flows”, a very famous phrase within the spiritual community (I believe it has Buddhist origins but not sure of who said it first). This is why a lot of witches are recommended to meet with a therapist or psychologist regularly to ensure our mental health is strong. A lot of people within our community believe that mental health creates spiritual gaps wherein baneful spirits can creep in and target us, but others believe that the cause of mental problems is our spiritual health itself. I’m in the camp of believing mental health is important no matter how you see the correlation- taking care of your brain is just as important as keeping up with the rest of your practice. 

Another aspect of protection and magic is not just ‘what we see’ but how. To bring in a little cognitive function theory, someone with extroverted intuition (or Ne) would likely see a situation and the world from twenty or more different lenses. This is like viewing the world through a multi-faceted crystal and being able to look at all these different crystal-edges and see a different distortion. And that’s really what our view is mostly, because it is nearly impossible to go around living your life and be able to see everything EXACTLY as it is. It’s just not reasonable to think you’re going to be able to have a clear lens every time. If you do and if you’ve developed that, please share how you did and help me figure that out haha, but until then I’m going to work with my understanding that our perception is going to have some type of illusion to it.

And here comes what this post has been leading to- the thing I’m excited about. The Imagining, and the power in that imagining. This is mental craft.

The You-Shaped Perception

In focus meditation you’re told that attention to the breath or to one sensation is important, because you’re narrowing your cannon-sized attention to the size of a pinhole. In much the same way, mental magic is about not just changing your lens, but also how you use that lens.

You       can.         do.            Anything.

It’s true. I mean, within physical means, right? You’re only going to fly if you know how to build mechanical wings, so this isn’t some offhanded promise meant halfheartedly. Nope, I mean this with all of me.

The mind is our friend and our enemy. I’m not even a big fan of meditation and yet I know that. It’s that changeable lens we see things through and how we think of them.

Our mind, my friend, is our power.

In speaking of the mind, I am not just thinking about your brain matter, or your reason, or whatever. I’m talking intention (leading to manifestation) and conscious attention to changing our thoughts.

Think something long enough and you start to believe it. Don’t like your thoughts, or how you feel? What thought or visualization would help you feel better?

There are rabbit holes we fall into where we either can’t control our thoughts and feelings due to mental illness and other times when we just don’t want to control them. Sometimes it feels good to be swept away by our own ocean of emotion and madness. It’s part of being human. The former situation (with the rabbit holes) is likely to be helped by a mental health professional and possibly some anti-depressants. The latter can  a p p a r e n t l y  be helped by meditation. 

(Also, did you know that meditation helps grow the gray matter in your brain? Sitting down and just watching your thoughts pass like clouds, allowing your body to rest, opens you up to expanded compassion, self awareness, contemplation, and helps your memory. If anyone is interested in practicing this, I’m going to be working through this free online MBSR/Mindfulness course in the hopes of helping my depression and my powers of intention- it looks like a great resource especially during this time of political and global tension. I believe our souls are deeply connected to one another and also to the overall soul of the world. Everything that happens in it is something we collectively experience and all of the stress along with this social isolation that the majority of us are experiencing is incredibly traumatizing. I highly recommend checking this out and seeing how it affects you over a few weeks’ time: https://palousemindfulness.com/ )

The point I’m trying to make here is that 98 times out of 100 times, YOU control your perception. And that’s a very empowering and creative thing. Especially when you identify as a witch 😄

gif of Joaquin Phoenix as the joker with a smiling mask on, then pulling up the mask and grinning.

DAMN TABITHA JUST GET TO THE POINT ALREADY

Okay okay. Here’s my point.

You can use creativity in your craft. You know this already. But you don’t need a book of spells (they’re fun to read though) and you don’t need the latest books on psychic magic. You can seriously just use your magical brain.

Intention is everything. Your natural intuitive powers are where your strength lies- I’d say it’s the key to unlocking whatever the heck you want in life. 

Look at your life like it is a children’s story book or movie, alright? It sounds stupid but please stay with me if you made it this far, because I think this is where it gets good. You know how the main character faced this seemingly impossible task or challenge, and they didn’t know how they’d do it but they did it anyway? Things just worked out for them, either because they did some work to help meet their goal and they fought to believe in themselves, or because the writer(s) wanted to throw them some tools that would help them easily get their goal.

You’re the main character and you’re the author of your story. And not only are you the author, but you’ve got all these spirits helping you co-author what unfolds in your life. So it doesn’t matter if there’s a damn fire-breathing knife-throwing monster standing on top of you while you sleep because in your witch brain, all you need to do is say “I am stronger than you will ever be. I am the apex predator” and watch that nasty bugger fucking deflate.

What is the most empowering thing is realizing that you are worth fearing, yourself.

Now this isn’t an excuse to take on a bad-bitch persona and mess your life up. Don’t go around hexing people willy nilly, please. Don’t think you can conjure a demon and be able to control it.

Just know that you can control yourself and the space you’re in. Cause you a badass, bitch.

An actual example from my real life

I have a little known disorder called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. Essentially it’s scary AF because I have dislocations on the daily and they’re painful and honestly, it’s the bane of my existence. 

That’s not even exaggerating haha.

So along with it comes a lot of second guessing self worth, because of how it’s perceived and how I’m perceived because I’m a lady with EDS. The questions I’ve fielded, the conversations I’ve had, the experiences I’ve had to deal with as a result of it are utterly ridiculous (sometimes, downright despicable). 

One day I was talking to my therapist about self-perception and not feeling strong enough to face life with my handicap, and she asked me to point out the strengths it’s encouraged in me. I was able to point to a few things and while I did, I could see Brigid beside me and this oak shield forming around my body, and I imagined that every word I spoke, every good quality I have grown from having my disorder, made that shield stronger.

There are the times when I rabbit hole and I forget what that armor means and looks like. I forget that it’s there. But inevitably, something happens that would normally feel like it was undermining me and instead, I remember that oak shield and Brigid’s protective, loving energy, and I remember how expansive it feels to see myself as being worth this life and as having valuable traits to offer to the world. That’s when I see that shield again.

As you can see this isn’t only for spirits, but it applies even in those situations too. I’ll detail my channeling session that ended with calling on Jesus another time haha as this is getting quite long. To wrap this up:

TL;DR: “How not to give a f*** about unwanted spirits”

- Decide not to give a f***

- Decide what you will give a f*** about

- Find a couple practices for protection that you like and stick with them

- Know what clairs you have that are strongest (and if none feel that strong right now, that’s perfectly normal. Don’t put pressure on yourself, just enjoy exploring how your intuition works and pay attention without obsessing (or try not to obsess anyways). You have time to experiment with intuition, I’ll try to find some good sources for this and write something for those of you frustrated with figuring out where your skills lie or how to use them.

- Know that they’re working, that you’re a freaking badass witch, and that nothing can come into your space without earning your wrath (which can just be a GTFO and a call on your fave deity if you like)

A lot of the time, spirits who show up don’t actually have any dominion to stay. You have the power. You own the space, you own YOUR space (the space of your body). So own that you own it and do it with certainty. Feel the POWAH haha.

Sources mentioned:

https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2011/01/eight-weeks-to-a-better-brain/

[achieveandhunt]

live typing extra life 2019

warning: this a fucking LONG post. if you plan on reading it all, godspeed.

i typed all of this as it was happening on stream so this gets progressively less coherent as i grow more sleep deprived. prepare yourselves. i may or may not go off topic at some points

larry vehemently vomiting pure malic acid. we’re off to a great start

what the fuck the soggy ass popcorn in that ranch jesus christ

lindsay in the song from AH the musical. i love her so much

jeremy going YAAAAAAY after someone eats a cursed oreo

matt getting AGGRESSIVELY kissed by larry

“this kiss this kiss” before geoff and jack kiss

geoff “i’m from alabama” ramsey

THIS FUCKING RANCH SEGMENT HAS ME GAGGING

jeremy “the alcohol demon the whiskey goblin” dooley

alfredo “you wont believe what the white people did today” diaz

DUSK BOYS DUSK BOYS DUSK BOYS GET THAT DICK ESSENCE

wait why does it sound like wonderwall

they look like characters from the matrix

the speaking parts. make my teeth hurt

in conclusion: they weren’t kidding abt the tight pants 

okay everyone get ready for eric soundboard spamming YEAH BABEY

“hi i’m from broadcast and i don’t want to be here” they represent themselves well

also, let’s take a second to appreciate broadcast here!! they have a really tough job and don’t get a ton of credit. lots of love to all of broadcast!!! you guys are awesome

i am: foreseeing problems with this eric sound board

which one is eric?? will the real eric please stand up?? was the real eric the one we found along the way??

“i’m... just really worried that i won’t ever find love-” “i really don’t care”

WHY DO THEY HAVE THAT ON THE SOUNDBOARD (what does that apply to? whatever it is you’re thinking of, but mostly “daddy wants some”)

ooh someone’s about to get a fReE tongue piercing from a pineapple

god dammit i went to the bathroom for thirty seconds and now they’re eating chad’s chest hair

owie the shock collar and belly slap look painful, but drinking natty light from a shoe? that’s a true punishment

“and this roast was brought to you by meundies”

ah yes what better way is there to end a segment than people throwing up

“man action” oh no

THROBERT MULVEINY

K A R B is blind in T W O of her eyes

“my last name is cottagecheese”

I HAVE A PIECE OF METAL SHOVED UP MY A S S 

chris has somehow managed to lose 23 years of age and roughly 412 pounds

“just open throat like baby bird” who the fuck is writing this and why is it jeremy

jon. jon you’re breathing in adam’s ass fumes

a summary of this segment: ass and cottage cheese

BARB IS HERE I REPEAT BARB IS HERE

“to fitness” -starts choking-

final fitness coach: tad, here to workout your issues so they can beat you into submission

“will you buy my wet” well i don’t see that on the raffle items

we’re back folks & i’m loving this walk around segment

moonball wall and gavin&michael will soon be reunited can we get an F in the chat

jeremy getting a borderlands tattoo is very on brand

what’s extra life without a little satan

“starvation army, putting lead back into paint, increasing childhood obesity” people in chat: TAKE MY MONEY

chris “i’m doing a different hole” demarais

ah yes. the game we all play in hell: twister

nobody edit chris getting mustard shot down his throat. i’m scarred enough from the original clip

oh fuck. oh god. the mayo. oh god what the fuck is up with the misuse of condiments this year

this just in: a human soul costs roughly $12,700

D̷̯͑̆̈́͝Õ̸̲͎̥̬͈̬̙͕̲G̸̢̧̠͉͚̙̲̙̓̔̀̇S̷̥̀́͆̈́̇̀ ̶̣̞̗͚̬̭̖̦͇̈́̎̈́̿̓̈́͆̒̋D��̙̟̩̫͉̺̐̊̚Ö̶̥́̋́̓ͅĜ̵̞̌͋̏̉̌̕͝͝S̵̤̹̣̫̮̻͛̍̑̕͝͝ ̷̧̨̞̙̥̟̜͍̉̍̑̏̇̀̾D̴̻̮̩̯͓͉̖͎̘͐̒͋̓̉͝ͅỎ̶̰͓̳̥͑̅͛͊̒͐͊͘̚G̵̩̻̦̥̠̃̔Ş̶̹͚̩̱͖̀͆͘ ̸̢̢͇̻͔̗̺̼͖̱̏̾̔̚D̴̨̨̫̙̃̾̋̾̆̓̓Ớ̷̡͓͎͊G̶̱̣̣̰̝̖̰̗̓͐̐̊͋̀͊̀̕͝Ş̷̩̺̬̖͙̺̟͗̈́͒͗̀̑́́̕͠ ̷̡͈̼̲͈̳̫̺̝̈́̋͌͗̒ͅD̸̨̬̞̪̗̘̄̑͆̿̈́͘͠͝O̸̡̡͇͕̻͎͍͉̅̌͗̄͌̑̉̔͂̎Ḡ̸͙̟̪̞̬̬͕͐̈̏S̶̝̪̼̮̠̜̭̳͖̘̑

urine: to help with aerodynamics

jon: maya, speak! maya: *the smallest arwoo*

today’s mvp: any dog. pick one. no matter which you pick, you’re right

how the fuck did blaine change back from satan so quickly

barb as a cat is... my new sleep paralysis demon

blaine: barbara speak! barbara: climate change is real

#dogsforkids

this just in: extra life killed my wifi

we’re back & kdin is in the business of killing people with spice. she is the spice queen

queue six thousand well-timed 1337 donations

HOLY SHIT THAT’S COLIN FROM WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY

hmm “questionable liquids” is very... questionable

trevor: oh there’s four of them! we all get to join in the Fuckkkk

“what’s your favorite kind of candy” “any meat”

i like pickles and i would rather rip my eyebrows off than drink the juice so i feel for trevor

the only thing worse than drinking apple cider vinegar is shooting it out of your nose

“can you feel the love tonight” “i used to and that’s the problem”

“flubs every word man” damn, really missed the chance to say captain hair

jeremy not being able to intentionally flub his words is so fucking funny

OK BOOMER 

wow i can feel my blood pressure spike just watching these shots

Xavier Woods is here and he wants to know if it’s Christmas

miles doesn’t know what a question is

WHERE’S YOUR HAIR

oh no. oh no helping hands is next. everyone clear a splash zone

CHEF MIKE CHEF MIKE CHEF MIKE

miles bossing around chef mike is priceless

“you leave that fucking dough on the floor”

“you wanna slam your hands down on the table” *pizza sauce goes flying everywhere*

HOEDOWN HOEDOWN HOEDOWN jesus why do i keep doing that

“If Colin Mochrie is listening, I’ll see you here next year” OH FUCK YEAH

--- this is when i take a break so my soul can return to my body (aka i have work to turn in. college will never not be a pain in my ass) ---

oh god dammit i missed all of Always Open. fuck college who needs a medical degree

so... we have some very interesting things happening in family feud and i’m not sure if i like any of them

hmm. is now the time to get drunk

oily twist feels very... ominous

what do you mean you don’t remember gandalf having a taser in lord of the rings?

someone in the chat said “big stupid sleeping thing is what my parents called me in high school”

i think i’m blacking out what’s going on i don’t remember the past two hours

ah yes. voldemort and snape having a talk show together sounds exactly like something J.K. Rowling would make a spinoff book or show or porno of

can we just talk about how much shit chris has been doing this year? what a guy. what a dude

“coldy with voldy” actually means getting knocked the fuck out cold because you only got three hours of sleep last night and you don’t want to miss chef mike and lindsay cooking

this snape poem is summarized by one phrase: “that was terrible sit the fuck down” (sorry chris)

“let’s destroy a weasley” enter chad

fucking called it

“you smell poor” i need a caffeine drip

heh the wheel spins are at 69 heh nice

i’m a grown ass woman

welcome to a section called: we torture chad for your entertainment

“who wants us to kill weasley?” *massive cheers from the audience*

“wait weasley step away from the wideshot so i can masturbate to this later”

“i’m not gonna rub my eye mom”

oh they’re really gonna kill chad on stream huh

i felt that chest slap in my soul

i think i felt my own ribs crack

oh fucking

tumblr deleted my thoughts on the fanfic section

alright. fine. brief summary: my teeth are burning

my mom lindsay is on next and i’m so excited but i’m nearing the point of loopiness so things will go downhill dramatically from here

this is my fucking fourth extra life, you would think i’d be smart enough to sleep the night before

LINDSAY LINDSAY LINDSAY THAT’S MY MOM

JEREMY JEREMY JERE- wait a second... did jeremy get taller

oH CHEF MIKE CHEF MIKE CHEF MIKE

i hope Xavier comes back next year because he’s funny as fuck

m y a t t

oh god the mcdonald’s shade i’m rolling

lindsay “who’s the chef here” jones

chef mike mentioned mayo and i involuntarily gagged

chef mike clowning the big mac. i’m crying

he made the right choice with ryan bc i’ve seen his cooking stream(s) and it’s nothing if not great content

i heARD A MICHAEL JONES

“lindsay you haven’t done anything but warm up cookies so far” “yeah and?? you’re welcome”

you know that classic snack. slightly warm oreos

JEREMY THE LIQUOR GOBLIN DOOLEY IS BACK

oh god him screeching across set is making me cry laughing

why does it remind me of trevor’s voice cracks in the one minecraft ep where they’re singing the lion king

the biggest spoon for the smallest shot glass

i just realized we’re not even halfway through yet and i’m scared for the length of this list i’m gonna end up falling asleep involuntarily at some point

lindsay no your teeth are going to errode from that shot in your mouth

well timed leet donation #1829495

this gorden ramsey bit is so fucking good

jack: what do you think of the arugala? matt: i don’t even know what you said

iT’s NoT jUsT tWo CoOkIeS miCHeAL

jeremy and michael just chillin amidst the choas is exactly my demeanor at any party i’ve ever been to

lindsay scores: ryan = 7 because diet coke, matt = still eating lindsay’s meal so it’s a 10, xavier = also still eating it so it’s an 8. total: 25

“deep fry everything but a remote control”

chef mike scores: ryan = 9 for no death, matt = greens are present, words were said, score is 8. xavier = Gourmet Mcdonald’s, food is edible, score is 8. total: 25

oh fuck it’s a tie

now they fight to the death. death = doing as many shots as possible

i think we’re all going to need liver transplants after tonight

no jesus please don’t vomit oh goD oh fUc k please- oh thank god

okay i’m making a part two this is too much

[rockettransman]

MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT ROCKETMAN

I HAVE SO MANY! HERE WE GO!

prelude: i went into this movie pretty jaded and not thinking i was gonna like it. in my head, i got john lennon and elton john confused. i was thinking it was about john lennon. “oh god, they made a movie about that prick?” further, i was already dreading it because they play EJ’s hits on the radio at work all the time, and frankly i was fucking sick of tiny dancer and im still standing. when i watched the trailer i was like “aw geez, elton john sings these? damn, i was hoping i could tolerate him at all.” so. not many high hopes for this movie.

that was until i was on a six hour flight from boston to portland, oregon, and i was delirious with pain and boredom. i was sat in the middle of a father and daughter, and so i really didn’t wanna pull out my laptop and get in their space. reading the subtitles from the office off the airplane tv made me sick. the lights were off and it was 2 am, so no reading. i. was. BORED. and then, i saw someone watching something in the row in front of me. where i was sitting i got a whole view of their screen. oh, they were watching that elton john movie. they didn’t have subtitles on, so i could only take from visual and context clues what was happening. it looked flashy, and oh-- that man just stared lovingly, tenderly into another man’s eyes. oh shit. oh yeah. elton is gay. 

now i’m hooked. if i’m anything, i’m a trans man in a desperate search for a complex queer romance movie. i wanted something that would pull on my heartstrings, that would wreck me emotionally with a high reward. suddenly elton is staring at himself in full garb, putting on and taking off his glasses. smiling then frowning. glasses on. smile. glasses off. scowl. oh he’s in distress. oh, is he snorting coke? okay, cool, tight.

from here on out, i watch the movie with (no audio) the predisposition that elton is in severe distress, dealing with drugs and self-sabotage all because his feelings and attraction towards men are confusing and frustrating and he doesn’t know how to cope with them. is he in denial? does he hate himself for it? does he try to make himself attracted to women? obviously, i was incorrect. elton was pretty secure in the fact that he was gay in his personal life. 

i think about rocketman for days until my flight back to sarasota. i decide to watch rocketman on the plane back instead of renting it. but for some reason, my goblin brain told me to rent it, and i did. but i ended up just watching it on the plane anyway.

i was disappointed. really, kinda bummed about it. every article and review said it was R for a reason. there was plenty sexual content and drugs to do elton’s real life comparison justice. in the movie i watched, i saw none of it. there was some drinking of alcohol, he took pills, it was implied he snorted coke. i saw no kissing, no intimacy, not even a tender hand on a cheek or embrace between elton and another man. this movie was praised for being so groundbreaking! for representing so much of what elton’s life was really like, with drugs and sex and all that. and now that i thought about it, i heard not one curse word. “bloody” was tossed around a lot, but that is used as an inflection. and during the pool scene before he throws himself in, when he meets john at the deck, he spits something about “his secretary shagging him in front of the pool boys.” that had me in utter confusion. there... was no one there with john? he was just sitting there? must’ve been something i missed.

SO IT TURNS OUT THE AIRPLANE’S VERSION OF THE MOVIE WAS HEAVILY CENSORED. i watched the real thing when i got home yesterday and was FLOORED by the differences in the same movie i had just watched. in the scene where elton remarks he’d like to change his name, they completely edited out the character behind him peeing into a glass bottle. they also cut out the scene where elton is staring at the performer, being yelled at to close the door, and the kiss where he’s pinned against the wall. holy fuck. i realized when i saw that, i had missed something MAJOR. this meant i was missing some MORE major explicit, probably important-to-the-plot-and-character-development stuff. oh, now i was excited. 

(we could talk all day about the fact that a single kiss between two men was cut because it was deemed “too explicit”, and in a movie about elton john being the ultimate irony)

the sex scene AND take me to the pilot were completely missing in the airplane version. i had no idea this song existed! oh my god, it was a banger! i cried tears of happiness during the song. holy shit. the tense energy between he and john, standing there silhouetted by the window, and then all of a sudden they’re all over each other, fingers tangled in hair, moaning into each other’s mouths, squirming, trying to get as close to each other as possible. this is what i wanted. this is what i was looking for. not because i was looking for something “hot” or “dirty.”’ i wanted an intense sex scene because then i knew it was real. i wanted the desperation, the nerves, the tender way they cradled each other, and how they went to town on each other. it was elton’s first time being intimate with a man, and it was such a nerve-wracking, intense, lustful, desperate moment. taron and richard absolutely nailed it. The swaying and the leaning into each other, the grabbing and nuzzling and all of a sudden they’re all over each other... it honest to god moved me. not to sound too “grew-up-baptist”, but sex, especially the first time you have it is so special and intimate and personal and important (imo). i know all the times i’ve had sex, it was a very, very special moment to me, and i wholly and completely trusted my partner then. i was so happy elton could find security and love and a heckin good time in bed with another man. it must’ve felt so freeing.

This was between two men! In the smack dab of the AIDS crisis in like 1975 or some shit! If being queer is this fucking tough in 2019, imagine what it was like in 1975!! MILLIONS of people were left to die by eat-shit Raegan who say by and said “aw that’s cute.” MILLIONS of people died for loving who they love!! That’s fucked man!! Seeing a triumphant moment like this in the middle of what was happening and what it could mean for Elton and his career just rly got me ya know

my entire perspective of the movie changed from then on. i was excited to see what else i had missed. in fact, some of the songs weren’t bad. maybe i’d like some of elton’s stuff after all?

i missed the scene in the closet. on the airplane, he followed john into the closet and shut the door. the scene cut. but in the real version, suddenly john pinned him against the wall, mirroring the scene of the first kiss i missed, and elton lamely stutters he wants dinner with him, not a sexual act john was certainly looking for, and in the next moment he was hungrily snapping at his finger. i missed exactly how much coke elton snorted. i missed entire scenes and nuances that provided so much to the story. man, i was angry i missed all this. i was cheated.

when i finished the real version, my perspective on the movie, and elton, and his music, had spun an entire 180. i dug it. i listened to rocket man on repeat during the entirety of my forty minute run. i fell asleep listening to the soundtrack. i woke up today listening to it, and have been through the whole day. i have not been able to get this movie off my mind. im watching it for the third time right now.

WELCOME TO THE THIRD POINT OF THIS POST!

if you made it this far, thank you. what i wrote feels so important to me. someone needed to hear it. I WANNA TALK ABOUT THE ENTIRE ROCKETMAN SCENE. I have PTSD with psychotic features. This means that under the right triggers, i hallucinate, visually or auditorily (is that a word), things that aren’t there. sometimes they’re scary, connected to my past trauma, but sometimes, they’re hazy outlines of good people who i think i know. i also deal with all the lovely things that come along with ptsd, including dissociation. pretty much any and everything can trigger me in a specific way. the pool scene was incredibly difficult to watch. seeing a little boy playing piano underwater, him sinking and hovering and singing along, and people slowly descending, dancing in the water until they retrieve him. the vision snaps apart and holy fuck elton is in trouble. (as an aside, that’s one of my favorite affects of film: the protag is under the influence of something, whether it be a hallucination, drugs, in a deep fantasy, or just otherwise a storytelling device, and he is in imminent danger. the audience is aware he is in imminent danger. the protag, however, is cool and chillin and hanging out, not aware or bothered, and maybe this is where a major character arc beat hits. in an instant, they’re pulled out of it, and we--the audience and the characters--are hit with how dire the circumstances really are.)

Suicide is a super sensitive subject to me. when he mumbled “i’m going to fucking kill myself” and plunged into the depths, my throat constricted. it was a difficult few minutes, but i held my breath, gritted my teeth, and paced myself through it. despite the sheer terror and panic that was racing through my brain, the entirety of it was so beautiful. the bright blues, whites, and blacks of the pool lighting and bubbles decorating him, the flow of his--forgive him, i don’t know if there’s a cultural name--outer garment, how curious and confused he looked as he watched his younger self do something he did now, and the people twirling through the water, reaching out, and eventually snatching him up until we’re suddenly in the present--dude, the cinematography of the entire first verse is so, so breathtaking. the scene in the ambulance and getting his stomach pumped was a bit too graphic for me (i could feel a flashback/hallucination creeping on; sometimes i can’t tell them apart.) but it was all done so smoothly. when they lifted him up, spun him around, undressed and dressed him all in one fluid motion, i lost my fuckin mind. i rewound it several times to just watch that sequence. the pain, reluctance, and exhaustion in his face right before he was handed his bat and exuberantly entered the stage was so intense it was palpable. my heart ached for him deeply. it’s allll about putting on a mask of being truly happy and well, when just before that, he had tried to fucking kill himself. how fucking heavy is that shit?

the downward spiral kept me on the edge of my seat. honky cat was funky as hell, and i loved the little tiny moments and gestures towards each other. maybe john and elton truly cared for each other for mere heartbeats before it all went south. he was hurting so bad and ruining everything and in such denial i wanted to throttle him by the shoulders to scream “LOOK WHAT YOU’RE DOING! YOU BIG FUCKING IDIOT!” he was constantly suffering, doing more coke and drugs than i thought a person could keep in his system. the suicide attempt, the fantastic Dodgers show, the night and day between his outward appearance and his actions, all of it was so gripping. the group therapy medium through which the story was told was insanely cool, too. i thought at first it was a bit cheesy, but it worked. i loved that he confronted everyone who had hurt him, and who he had hurt, and reconciled. i loved that as the major plot beats went on, his clothes eventually toned down in loudness, mirroring how the story was going along in real time. he went from having an explosive outburst, to levelly confronting his parents, and firmly insisting they not treat him like that anymore. they didn’t have the right. we could see how he’d grown through several different literary elements. the fact that it was laid out so plainly really helped me, someone who is dumb as fuck and constantly misses nuances like that.

it’s so disheartening to see elton’s first love was someone who was aggressive, non-interested, and who refused to listen to him.

(im at the pinball wizard scene, and holy shit this tune fucks)

at the end of the day, when i had thought the movie fell through so many expectations, i watched the real, authentic version and was so, so happy with how it turned out. it was much more honest than what i had thought it was. when the credits rolled, and it said he and his husband David Furnish had been happily married for 25 years, the tears really started coming. Elton did it. He survived through all the shit he put his body through, all the heartache and loneliness and terrible isolation and suffering, and he won. He got what he always wanted. A man who loved him deeply, purely, passionately, and properly. 

i haven’t shut up about elton john for days. i’m kinda baffled how something gripped me so intensely, when i had written it off as stupid just a day before this. thank you for reading. i’m sure i forgot a lot of things i wanted to express, but hopefully i got something across. let me know if you read this, please. if you made it all the way down here, i owe you like $5. drop me your venmo.

thank you for reading. this movie touched me in a way i didn’t think was possible. thank god for elton john. thank god for his perseverance. thank god for his story, giving me and millions of others hope that happiness will come. recovery is possible. healing is possible. you just need to reach out first. thank you and goodnight.

[kitten1618x]

GoT Afterthoughts ep. 08x01 ‘Winterfell’ (Part 1)

Whew! I’m sorry this has taken so long. I’ve got two munchkins home from school with a stomach bug, and they’ve been cutting into my rewatch and write-up.

~

So, a few things before we kick this bad boy off... I have not read or interacted much with anyone (except writing up that post yesterday about the opening creds) and I have avoided the discord server (even though I’m DYING to gush) as to not skew my own perception of the episode. Those of you who follow my blog know that I am partial to political!jon, but here’s your heads up for anyone else that just stumbled onto this recap. And with that...

~

We begin the journey of our last season similarly to the way we began our very first: An excited Winter Town boy frantically scrambling to find a better view of the royal retinue marching on Winterfell—complete with the same musical score. Let’s call that strike one against Jon and Dany, as we all know what a farce that first royal couples’ relationship was.

~

This boy, as he shimmies up a nearby tree, very much reminds me of a combination of both Arya and Bran in the pilot — Arya even spies him and smiles, as she stands watching with the smallfolk (a nice book nod). Her face at initially seeing her big brother Jon makes my heart skip a few beats, and I kind of got the feeling she was going to call out for him, but changed her mind. She looks down then, and I’m honestly so worried for their reunion because they have both changed so much, and Arya isn’t the same little girl he remembers.

~

Her smile fades as Jon and Dany pass her by, and the Hound comes into view. Her feelings with Sandor have always been complicated, but we don’t have much time to dwell on that, because Gendry rounds the corner and there’s a different kind of smile lighting up Arya’s face now—and I’m so stoked for their reunion, because it’s what I deserve. WE ALL DESERVE THIS OKAY?!?!?!

~

And what do we have here? Ahhhh yes, the typical D&D ‘cock’ and/or (in this case) ‘balls’ banter via Varys and Tyrion as they once again travel together in another wooden box. You know, we damn well better get the payoff to the jackass/honeycomb/brothel joke this season, or I swear by the old gods and the new that I’m blowing up the Sept of Baelor... oh wait.

~

Missandei looks visibly uncomfortable at the impassive stares of the Northerners as they ride by. However, Jon did warn them about the North—which he reiterates to a rather annoyed looking Dany, who no doubt expected a much more warmer welcoming for coming to “save the North”—but it’s pretty clear there will be no Myhsa crowd-surfing here.

~

A screeching overhead sends the Northerners frantically running for cover as a smug-looking Daenerys smirks proudly at the fear her dragon children instill when they split the skies above. Let’s be real here — that was no coincidence. Remember this?

Dany is in complete control of Drogon, and let’s call a spade a spade: this was a cheap intimidation tactic driven by spite. And I honestly can’t even say I blame the girl, but it’s probably not the best way to make new friends, either—especially when they are all of the mindset that “a Targaryen cannot be trusted”. Just sayin’, Dany girl.

~

And we have Arya’s reaction to seeing Dragons for the first time as they soar high up over Winterfell and Sansa, who watches from the ramparts. Sansa’s reaction is quite similar to Cersei’s—as in, she really doesn’t have one. Someone please cue My Chick Bad by Ludacris!!

Jon and Dany enter the courtyard and Jon springs from his horse to bring Bran in for a signature Stark squeeze and a forehead kiss (another season one callback). He proudly admires how Bran has grown and is now a man, only for Bran to answer with some vague and emotionless three-eyed raven shit, before staring down Daenerys while Jon moves to Sansa’s open arms.

~

*Perhaps no one informed Jon about Bran going all sentient-being?

~

I’m sure most of you already noticed that while this is supposed to be the same hug scene we were shown in the HBO teaser, it’s not the same shot, nor the same angle. In the teaser, Jon makes this soft face and goes straight to Sansa’s arms...

But in the actual episode, Jon goes straight to Bran’s arms, and his expression is quite different...

And in the teaser the hug is much longer in duration, and Sansa doesn’t look up at Dany until the end—still not relinquishing her hold on Jon.

However, in the episode, we get a shorter version and a different angle, while Bran and Sansa simultaneously stink-eye Dany the entire time.

*please note Jon’s expression isn’t the same as it is in the hbo teaser—which begs to differ WHY they chose such a romantic shot of these siblings to hype the final season? I mean, I know why... do you? 😉

~

Annnnnnd moving right along. Jon asks where his darling baby sister Arya has gotten to, as to which Sansa replies “lurking somewhere” — which is an odd response, but I’m not gonna lie, it did make me chuckle a little. If I had to make a guess on this odd dialogue (other than the D’s just suck at dialogue sometimes), I imagine it serves the purpose of leading Jon to assume that the girls still have the same strained relationship of their youth.

~

Not one to stand by idle while getting eye-fucked from all directions (and not in a good way), Dany sashays over to be introduced to the stunning redhead Jon was hugging on, to learn she is (only) his sister (whew!), and the Lady of Winterfell. And with that said, I need to take a moment to address something to all the antis who will probably hop on this post (cuz I know y’all are there): Jon is NOT the Lord of Winterfell. Winterfell does NOT belong to him, not even as warden of the North, not even a little bit. He has no say, no ownership, no NOTHING on Winterfell. The only way he becomes the Lord of Winterfell is if he marries his cousin, Sansa Stark — which is just ONE of the many reasons WHY a marriage between them is advantageous. Tell your friends.

~

The tension kicks up a notch as the introductions proceed and Dany feeds Sansa platitudes of how beautiful she and the North are. Perhaps her words are meant to be kind, but after all she’s been through, Sansa is not here for the bullshit — remember how nice Miranda was in the beginning too? Besides, my girl’s jealousy is so thick, she’s almost GREEN. So, giving Dany a full-bodied once over, she haughtily replies “Winterfell is yours, Your Grace.”

~

Annnnnnd...

Before a full-blown catfight ensues, Bran throws some ice on the situation—and by ice, I mean ice dragon (harr harr harrrr). The wall has come down, and your dragon is one of them now, he informs Dany—whom of course is horrified by the news. (And probably by Bran too, as I assume she, like Jon, did not get the Bran is the 3ER memo).

~

We move into the Great Hall where we learn that Sansa has already made the intelligent decision to call all their banners to retreat to Winterfell as soon as they knew that the wall had fallen. Little Ned Umber isn’t really sure whom he’s supposed to address or how (bless his little heart), but in any event, he’s getting the horses and carts he needs to safely bring the rest of his people back to Winterfell. Jon tells the maester to summon the Nights Watch as well.

~

And of course you know little Lady Mormont has some shit to say. She’s not pleased with the turn of events and wastes no time voicing her opinion and stirring the ire of the Northerners. But hey,

(Sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

But more on that later, because Jon looks really nervous as little Lyanna throws shade — and his first instinct is to turn and share a look with his sister, errr wife, cousin!, Sansa.

~

I feel like he was looking to her for support, but she’s got none to offer at the moment. So, he pulls himself together and tries to calm the dissent by giving another rousing ‘we need allies and I brought them’ speech, and he actually says something VERY interesting here: “I had a choice: keep my crown or protect the north. I chose the north.” I mean, he ain’t lying, and the best place to hide something is right in plain sight, after all—and of course nothing about that statement sounds political or off at all, does it? I mean, because the Dany stans/jonerii insist that Dany agreed and was FULLY onboard to come north before Jon bent the knee, so why would he say that, then? Go on, tell me...

~

Tyrion decides to throw in his unwanted .02 — simultaneously backing up Jon and feeding Dany’s savior complex (the greatest army blah blah blah — gods, I cannot wait until everyone sees how useless the dragons will be against the NK, especially when using them to roast the wights puts their own soldiers at risk). His words aren’t met with any gratitude when he also drops the bomb that another enemy house of the North is also on its way to Winterfell.

~

Sansa is taken aback but recovers quickly. Armed with her signature snark, she asks how they’re expected to feed the ‘worlds greatest army’ — something she did not prepare for — chased by a sassy, “what do dragons eat, anyway?”

But wa-wa-wait, HOLD UP. Did Dany just— Did she just throw down the gauntlet?

~

Why, I believe she did, my friends! jskslkdlsksjsklslsljsllsl 😂😂😂😂

~

I can’t even with this episode, guys. It’s like I’m watching a medieval version of Melrose Place (google it, youngin’s) with Jane and Sydney throwing shots by the poolside!

Okay, okay, but all joking and snark aside, Sansa has got a valid point. She isn’t prepared to feed all these extra mouths PLUS two fucken huge dragons. I mean, winter is here, and where could they possibly find enough food to sustain everyone? It’s almost as if the show is making it a point to remind us about the lack of food and where did we last see wagons loaded with food? Oh right, I remember...

Put this one behind Northern Independence on the list of ‘Petty Things That Won’t Matter Because the AotD is Coming’ — you know, because who needs food to survive? And who the hell wants independence, anyway?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

~

Moving right along, and holy mother, maiden and crone, this is getting long and I’ve barely scratched the first 15 minutes of the show!

~

You know what? Nevermind, I’m just gonna go ahead and publish this, and post the rest tomorow when I finish it — I know y’all are thirsty anyway. lol Forgive the sloppiness, as I did this ALL on mobile, and my paragraph breaks kept disappearing and arrrrrghh tumblr!

~

*Some gifs/images mine. The others were taken from google. Thanks if it’s yours!!

[bxstiae]

Drops all my urls in here late as fuck :3c

[ @rejectgods / —– 🇸 🇪 🇳 🇩   🇦    🇺 🇷 🇱 ]           🇬​🇱​🇦​🇩​🇱​🇾​ 🇦​🇨​🇨​🇪​🇵​🇹​🇮​🇳​🇬​ 🇦​🇱​🇱​﹗

I cannot believe you are doing this to me Jorm. I love you man but. alright. I’m gonna do this differently than I would if it was just one URL. You have what… 5 blogs that I follow? Though I heard you were making another one. Anyway… On this post alone, I’ll give one paragraph per muse ( that I have seen you interact/post on ). That being said, when I get the chance, I will make a google doc for your muses and get a better in depth thing per muse. I’ll probably start on it when I wake up, but you gotta give me a bit okay.

Know this: I’m doing this because I appreciate you a lot. and you deserve to know how much I do. That and well holy hell, you cannot expect me not to say no to you like that when you say ‘drops all my urls.’

You KNOW that I will take that as a challenge & do it cause you said.

BTW: you weren’t late. You sent me that the same day that I posted it.

Lets start with Accelerator since you asked me on them –

Opinion on;

CHARACTER IN GENERAL: An asshole tbh. An Overpowered little shit. Okay. Really though, from what I’ve gotten though in the little stuff I’ve watched with you? THEY!!! ( honestly forgive me if I say he. I naturally tend to lean towards those pronouns even for nonbinary characters ) Anyway they are honestly a mood tbh. Just not giving a damn but also defending theose they care about. Definitely psychotic, but its okay, I suppose they are allowed to. Then again, we barely scraped the surface with ToAru so maybe I’ll wait until I know more.

HOW THEY PLAY THEM: I’ve only see a little bit of Accel, but from what I know? It’s really good! Then again, your prose in general is something I absolutely love. There is big of edge to Accel that’s different than the other muses too. Like I’m not saying they’re edgy - they just has something very specific to them that I like.  

Read more now cause I wrote an Essay for you.

Lets go with Lif first, cause that was the first blog I followed @ultaegrr –

CHARACTER: Cold, ruthless, unforgiving, spiteful.. Like honestly I feel like there are a lot of words to describe Lif, and yet, none of them really describe him. He’s a very complex character. Like VERY complex. I could give you my aspect of him but honestly, that can wait for the doc. Nonetheless, he is actually a character that I would get my grubby paws on to RP as. I probably won’t for the sake of my sanity but I do really have my own portrayal of him that I would want to try out.

YOUR PORTRAYAL: Given that your Lif is canon-exclded and not the Lif from the games, I can go into a rabbit hole with this one. I will not ( again, we will save for that doc ). I will only brush up on a few things. He’s by far my favourite out of your muses. Like of all of your muses, I would pick Lif as your best one. Your prose on him is my favourite from all your muses and I would be content with just following him ( and Kiran ). That being said, you know I would follow you anywhere anyway cause you’re my friend and I support your brand. Anyway, sorry but I’ll elaborate some other time.

Kiran is next cause honestly… Kiran @breidabllk

CHARACTER: I can’t really go into depth with them as they are like an OC? They aren’t really but its the player  of FEH. Each kiran is unique to the player. So don’t have much to say.

PORTRAYAL: honestly when I think of Kiran, I think of you. This is a loaded statement too, cause it can be meant in different ways. One way: I literally think of the summoner as your Kiran. Granted do I have my own crack Kiran? Yea, you know that. But honestly, the first thing I think of when I see the name is… yours. Like if somebody were to say who should I follow for the summoner, you would be the first person to come to mind. I have others as well but you’re the main one. The second way?: Kiran is you. You are Kiran. to a degree. Like??? I know they’re not. but at the same time, there are so many things about you two that are similar. But that’s why I think I love your Kiran so much. They’re so realistic. Like there is a part of you in them. It’s not just a character. They feel so tangible compared to other characters and I can’t describe it but it’s so… authentic.

Alfonse now because he’s a boi @valhoil—

CHARACTER: Honestly? Sorry to punch ya gut but. I didn’t like him. This was something different than me and Hector. Cause I didn’t CARE for hector. But Alfonse? I had experince with him already from playing FEH. and I just…. didn’t like him. I don’t know why. I think it was cause for me he was a bit of a child? But that’s not really it either. Something about him didn’t rub me the right way so I kinda just… ignored him a bit. I mean I didn’t completely ignore him cause he’s important to the story in B3 & B4. but you know what I mean. I just… was meh about him.

PORTRAYAL: Now this is where I go, yea you made me change my mind about Alfonse cause DAMN, I stan him now. I.. Really do. I will go on more into depth with him as well but again, we will refer to the doc on this one. I don’t want to sound like I’m repeating myself. I do have to say that the inner turmoil on him though is something that I support for character development. Definitely the main thing that I love about him. But more to come later.

I almost forgot about Grima.. cursed. but Grima @rotdivinity –

CHARACTER: FUCK YOU GRIMA. honestly though. I hate him as a character. I want nothing more from him than to die. Him/Her/them, whatever. That’s all you need to know for now. Grima needs to die.

PORTRAYAL: dear lord, I forgot about him but he’s definitely a favourite. From what we have discussed and talked about, you actually make me feel bad for him? Well that and your Grima is the reason why I made Emmeryn in the first place! Honestly though.. Your Grima is the only Grima I would ever want to follow and a part of me also wants to make a Naga cause of what we discussed. But you know I’d probably never make a Naga cause I don’t support her – at least from our discussions about Grima, I’ve come to despise Naga really. Lol cause I love Emm, and she loves Naga.

Okay, last one. Marth @exaltblade –

CHARACTER: I have a love/hate relationship with this tiara wearing bitch of a princess. There, that’s all you need to know.  

PORTRAYAL: can’t tell you cause you haven’t really done much with him yet. But from what I know, I am actually…. very VERY excited for him! I know you’ll do great.  

Now that I did those, let me finish the rest. I probably will elaborate more in the doc for you as well, but… you know.

The Mun: Jorm, I honestly…. don’t know where to start with you. We’ve known each other for what? 2 months? I mean I suppose longer, but we didn’t officially start talking until recently. But as you already know, I would do anything for you. We are so close to each other too! Like really?? I have never vibed so well with somebody so hard and fast. But with you I’m just like damn, I will absolutely do anything for you. I don’t know why? I really don’t but honest to the gods, I truly do care about you a lot. I love talking to you on the phone. I worry for you when you are being quiet. I know that I can be a bit too much sometimes, and I’m sorry for that, but you know that when I see your name, its like when I see Core’s name. I get excited and it makes my day. I hope you know that. And if you didn’t, well I am tell you now. :)

Do I:

RP with Them: Yea I do. Well I’d say I do, but you know Chrom is put on hold at the moment. That being said, we’ve done a LOT of plotting and discussion on a lot of things and on just about every muse too. So you may not always see the RPs but we do.

Want to RP with Them: Of course! Honestly, I don’t care for speed. We could never RP in our lives, but we talk about our muses all the time okay? and that alone makes me happy. But also yea I do want to RP. and I do, in fact, want to RP with Link. I just dont know how with Accel…  

What is my;

Overall Opinion: 

**NOTE: Mun’s answer are all to be completely honest. Don’t send url if you don’t want brutal honesty

[theblackcollegian]

Raging with Passion or Burning with Lust

I have to be honest here: when Aloysius asked me to write a piece to be featured on his blog, I was a little nervous. I stopped writing years ago, and even then, I was only ever moved to do so when I was so fed up or “raging with passion” about something that I dug the hell out of a keyboard. 

And then came the golden question: what do I write about? My dwindling love life, my two years in the already-exhausting workforce, or trying to hold my life together by a single damn string thinner than the end of my eyebrows? And then I decided: fucking all of it. 

So, here are some of my truths and some of my revelations, as I write them from my father’s childhood home in Haiti. 

Career

Being a Black Woman in a Predominantly White Workplace

Why is it that whenever a Black woman who is in a position of influence makes (professional) decisions - popular or unpopular -  that are rooted in merit and morality, instead of succumbing to workplace politics and bullying, that she is all of the sudden “unapproachable” or “difficult”? Or both?

I’ve had this conversation with many of my Black women friends - young and old. The first consensus is that we all experience this at some point and sometimes throughout our careers. The second consensus: it is exhausting and frustrating and it impedes us from doing our work with excitement  although we continue to do it with confidence.

As much as I’d love to offer a solution, I really don’t have one but I do have a few thoughts.

Tolerating this sort of behavior in the workplace is detrimental to our efforts as professionals and to our morale as human beings. Yes, Suzanne, we’re human beings - just like you. 

I support the creation and existence of Black-owned and predominantly Black spaces, but I also acknowledge that these spaces don’t (realistically) reflect the demographics of the general workforce.  

Fleeing to predominantly Black spaces doesn’t necessarily eliminate the problem, nor does it offer an appropriate strategy for addressing this issue.

Love and Romance

Reciprocity/Unrequited Love

Reciprocity is important - not in the tit-for-tat sense of gift exchange and acts of service, but in the sense that  in any romantic relationship, love, care, attention and commitment should be reciprocated.

One reality is that most of us know two things: 1) when our love is not being reciprocated and 2) when our love STOPS being reciprocated.

Another reality is that some of us continue to invest in the relationship in the hopes that - one day - our prospective romantic partner will suddenly realize “how special [we] are” and seize the opportunity to love us blind and mute, despite the reality that they continuously devalue us daily by allowing us to wear our hearts on their sleeves while they wear theirs on their genitals. (*deep breath*)

I can admit that, in the past, I’ve put a prospective romantic partner on such a high pedestal that I’ve completely ignored the fact that I felt and KNEW that my love was not being reciprocated. I can also admit that I’ve also been on the other side of the coin and that I’ve taken advantage of someone’s love without reciprocating it; I am not proud of it. In either case, I continue to ask God for clarity. 

Emotionally-Unavailable Partners

In my very young and naïve days, I co-wrote an article titled, “How to Love a Man who Doesn’t Know How To Be Loved”. It was an overly-ambitious attempt to give life to a false understanding of what I THOUGHT was one of the pitfalls of my “situationship.” (Key word: situationship. Bitch, I done grown.) Our downfall had nothing to do with his emotional availability and I hope to truly make amends with this person one day. Anyway...

The fact that I was even capable of producing a piece like this speaks to the diseased “pick me” mindset that  I was riddled with and that we demonstrate when we pursue emotionally-unavailable partners. 

Potential

Some lovers keep us paralyzed with the very unoriginal idea of “potential” - both perceived and promised. 

The potential of true romance: I call this “layaway love”. It’s the idea that: 1) our lover promises us a future (e.g. marriage, a family) without any commitment in the present (e.g. exclusivity, titles); we dwell on these promises and fail to realize that we are being led on. And 2) that we perceive our lover as having the potential to be a great romantic partner and caretaker because of scattered romantic gestures that serve as a glimmer of hope when they aren’t otherwise being a complete terror in our lives.

The potential of stability: I think that, all too often, women - especially professional Black women - fall into the trap of sticking around because “he has ‘potential’.” And all too often, we get flack for overlooking someone with “potential” for someone who is already established as if we don’t have the liberty to date men who are already established. 

In either case, “potential” can sometimes keep us in stagnant and unfulfilling relationships and situationships that we have no damn business being in.

At the root of all of this tolerance, is the perception that you can’t do better. And you can. You always can. 

Finances

As a lifelong medical patient, former student and now a severely indebted post-grad, my relationship with money has always been more like an anxiety-filled acquaintanceship. Up until about a year ago, opening up a bill - especially a medical bill - used to give me  anxiety.

I am now at a point where I feel like I’m in control of my finances even though I have a massive heap of student loans and I continue to have medical expenses. There are three systems that I now swear by: auto-pay, scheduled payments and payment plans. These systems take the anxiety out of the process by somewhat removing me from it and allow me to comfortably live with the understanding that I cannot afford to pay it all at once and that’s fucking okay. 

I am learning about financial literacy at my own pace and remain steadfast in my sentiment that nothing is wrong with living modestly.

(Also, checking your credit score. I was scared for years to check my credit score. I finally checked it about two months ago, and holy guacamole, does it look good!)

Health and Lifestyle:

Stress: Stress ages you; it robs you of your joy and peace of mind and it can fucking kill you. 

Some people in your life are living and breathing stressors. I’ve learned that, when dealing with these people, you can be sympathetic; you can be empathetic, but you cannot carry everyone’s load and you cannot be everyone’s savior. Eliminating stress can sometimes mean ending your relationship with these people. That is okay. 

If your job brings you insurmountable amounts of stress, but is unfulfilling, unrewarding, and you don’t feel appreciated, leave as soon as you have the means to. Come up with an exit plan with a solid deadline and take your talents elsewhere. 

Meditate, surround yourself with people you love and who love you and visit places and do things that bring you joy.

Health: My father always says, “In life, two things are certain: aging and death.” In a sense, you are only responsible for the life you lead and the condition in which you meet your demise. Take this to mean whatever you want. 

At 25, I realize that while many things were and still are out of my control, I’ve missed multiple opportunities to be the healthiest I can be. I am taking small steps to ensure that I live a STRONG life, regardless of whether or not it’s a LONG life. 

Peace.

[nyxi-styx]

On Character Development

Let me preface this by saying that I started watching Supernatural somewhat casually in 2012, but binging in 2014. (The first episode I ever saw was actually a rerun of ‘A Very Supernatural Christmas’ back in 2008/09-ish.) I diligently watched EVERY episode, catching up online or on the app when I didn’t have cable. I stopped watching season 12 a few episodes in because I hated it. I watched some of the beginning of season 13 and it was “okay”, watched Scoobynatural because I’ve loved Scooby-Doo for as long as I can remember (my bedroom in 2nd grade when I was living with my grandma was entirely scooby-doo themed), and watched Gabriel’s episodes because... he’s my fave. I got tired of the repetitive storylines and recycled lore. I got tired of their mistreatment of characters. I am still tired of these things. And I’m tired of the constant fandom drama. I tried to leave, to get out, to stop caring. But I still care about the characters, the cast, my ships... Destiel and writing content for it has been a big part of my freetime for the past 4-5 years. It’s hard to walk away from something that has made you feel so many things so intensely. I started out as a Dean girl (still am) and Samcurious (Still am). Then I was a Cas girl, a Crowley girl, fuck- even a Kevin girl, before ultimately settling on Gabriel. When information about the end of season 14 came out, I was surprised at the route they’d chosen to go, amused, and- as a Rob Benedict fan- kind of excited. I was (and still am) ready for the absolute SHIT SHOW I know season 15 is going to be. It’s either going to be bad in the way that bad horror movies exist and you watch them because they’re so terrible but they’re fun. Or it’s going to be bad and no one is going to have a good time. It’s going to be emotional in the time leading up to the airing of it all anyway. There’s going to come “Last day filming with [actor]” posts, “Last day in the Impala“ posts, “Last day in the bunker” posts, and saddest of all “Last day as Dean/Sam/Castiel” posts. It’s going to be painful. But I’m ready and willing. I can’t wait to see what they do next. Anyway...

I tried to watch JUST the season 14 finale. But I barely made it five minutes before I had to turn it off. Not because it was bad, but because the recap, “Carry On Wayward Son”, and J2′s acting abilities and the EMOTIONS they portray... dragged me right back in. I knew I had to catch up. Against my better judgement. “Fuck.”

So, once I finished catching up on “Slasher” (great Netflix series, highly recommend), I started catching up on anything I hadn’t seen of season 13 and rewatching Gabriel’s episodes. (Did I mention he’s my fave?)  I’m now 10 episodes into season 14.

Now, the show isn’t without its faults still. Honestly, so many things could be solved if Sam and Dean would stop letting monsters monologue. Shoot first, ask questions later. But... then we lose all the drama, right? Still more things could be solved if Sam and Dean would talk to each other openly and honestly but hey. BMs, right? Bro moments? Broments?

First of all, no one will EVER be able to touch Mark Pellegrino’s performance as Lucifer. He makes me feel everything: From “Lucifer is annoying and I goddamn love him; he’s so funny.” to “Jesus fucking christ just KILL HIM WHILE YOU HAVE THE CHANCE!!! STAB LUCIFER! LET HIM DIE!!” and everything in between. He almost got me to sympathize with him. Yikes.

Secondly, the range of Misha fucking Collins and his multiple portrayals of different versions of Castiel (and Jimmy) will never stop blowing me away. He’s gone from Angel of the Lord and High Holy Tax Accountant and you WILL show him some damn respect!... to sassy as fuck (honestly I live for him sassing Lucifer while they were locked up in hell) and not willing to take shit from anyone except Sam and Dean. And that’s growth, man. He’s just... I don’t have the ability to put all of my thoughts and emotions into words, so please settle for a simple “UGHGHGHGHHHHHHHH” followed by a keysmash like so: aslkfla;sknfkasdjfnwqrjqejrfna Sam, Dean, and Cas are all REALLY GOOD DADS to JACK??????????? Like I expected it from Cas since it’s his duty because he promised Kelly and all, and I kinda expected it from Dean once he came around because he’d be the dad he wished he’d had, but I wasn’t quite expecting it from Sam??? But Sam is REALLY good??????

Sam has changed a lot too, overtime, and I don’t know how to describe it, exactly, but whatever it is... while I have always recognized Jared as a handsome man- sure, even hot or sexy at times- I never was SUPER into him... I’m more attracted to Sam now than I have ever been in the past and it’s something in his personality that has shifted that I can’t quite put my finger on. But attraction aside, it’s so GOOD to see these characters actually grow, change, and develop despite the fact that the show seems to have forgotten how to do that.

Now, at first, when I heard about Dean accepting warzone!Michael and being his vessel, I was angry. “Fuck that. That’s out of character. Dean would NEVER!” But... upon seeing it happen... okay, I get it. It was super in character. And it was awesome to see Jensen play something vastly different (and kinda hot) and do so very fucking well. The pain and fear on his face when he realizes what he has to do... Well fucking done Jensen!!! And the raw fear and pain on Castiel’s face as he waits alone... Well fucking done, Misha!!!

What I hadn’t noticed in my first watch-through of “Exodus” (I think)- and it’s probably because I was angry and turned it off- was that Dean said “Gabe sacrificed himself for us. We owe him everything.” First of all, I love the canonization of calling Gabriel “Gabe”. 12/10 Secondly, this is not the attitude I would ever have expected Dean to have about Gabriel. Not when you consider their history. And Jensen’s delivery of that really hurt. Additionally, when Gabriel is recounting his time hiding out in Monte Carlo to Sam and Dean, and Sam gets annoyed and cuts him off, Dean looks like he’s actually enjoying the story. He even turns to look at Sam with an expression I can only describe as “excuse you. the man lived my fantasy life and i’m living vicariously. rude.” The fact that Dean wasn’t always curt or hostile towards Gabriel is not at all what I expected and it’s honestly good to see that kind of growth. Dean and Gabriel aren’t really super different, after all. Furthermore, what I didn’t notice through BOTH times I watched Gabriel’s s13 episodes and what was featured in the recap preceding 14x01... Dean shouted “Gabe! No!” when Gabriel was killed by Michael. I didn’t notice this before and I legitimately had to pause the recap because it pained me. It genuinely brought me to tears. Again: GROWTH. Like... Dean actually cared about Gabriel. And that was something I never expected but oh my god.

I love finding things out about the characters we didn’t know before. So we all knew that Dean likes junk food, is a big nerd, loves Scooby-Doo, and loves classic rock music (and is a disaster bi) but I LOVED finding out that he loves horror movies and uses them as an escape. (Jesus, Dean and I are almost the same person except I’m pan). Gabriel’s entire backstory is another thing I loved finding out. Juicy tidbits are the best tidbits. But Gabriel’s character development is another whole post on its own.

Sam taking control and commanding forces out of the bunker is another personal favorite. As was Sam’s interactions with Lucifer and Rowena.

I don’t know. I’m starting to ramble because all of this is just bringing up more thoughts and I’m getting disorganized and derailed. It’s too long of a post as it is so I’ll just end it.

I’m just really glad to see the characters growing and developing in a show that’s just a dead cash cow that they won’t quit beating enough to take risks and make changes.

Oh god, the Wayward Sisters episode was its own hot pot of character development and  a masterpiece, but again... another post of it’s own.