#anyway... connie's treatment lately has been not good...

[iitsforyourowngood]

so that teaser huh....they really doing our boy like that...

i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again. connie’s relationship with steven is super important and needs to be implemented more for steven’s own wellbeing. connie while has made herself connected to the goings on of the “gem side” of steven can very easily take herself away from that and steven as well. steven yes has other human friends, like the cool kids, and sadie and lars, but they’re all older than him by a few years. they’re all off doing their own thing. besides their relationships were never really like,,, close friends you know. but connie. connie is different. she while aware and familiar with gem stuff, also loves reading and going to the movies! she CAN spend the entire day with steven doing nongem related activities. taking a break and being teenagers. 

the gems are noticing this now that he’s not as fun and spontaneous as he was and it looks like they’re going to try and change that, but... idk i think it’ll be successful for the episode but i can’t see them having as much of an impact as connie would to get steven to have fun again. they can tell him he can’t go help little homeschool today, but tomorrow? steven is such a “I need to do everything myself” person, that i think he would go right back to it. and i love the gems i do but there is much about being human or experiencing time that is different to them, idk if i can see them consistently trying to keep up that idea that steven needs to take a break and that he doesn’t have to adult all the time. 

connie also on the other hand knows how detrimental this behavior can be. like not to just be like always thinking abt dr maheswaran; but steven’s whole have to do all of my responsibilities, can’t take any breaks or be fun, and doing things w/o asking for help; like that’s dr m. and connie is def familiar abt how that kind of behavior isolates urself and pushes ppl away even if you don’t mean to. 

i really wish they hadn’t stuck the prepping for college already narrative on connie. like... it is framed as this is really what she wants to do, and i know they have established connie being a good student. but like u still end up with the asian and nerdy trope... there is no context that tells us how her parents feel abt all of this, but based on the portrayal of connie’s mom as a tiger mom, it’s easy for a watcher to assume that reasonably they’re really supportive of this and probably have pushed her to study more. which just... doesn’t sit right with me.

the maheswarans have grown a LOT as characters despite the little screentime they’ve had. letting connie go to homeworld was a big thing for them. to see how they started its just like people can change? idk how anyone got through any of the gem stuff without having a realization that life is fleeting and could just stop. that sort of adult realization, with them trying to maintain trust with connie by letting her have more freedom, to me that just feels like people who kinda don’t care what connie does with her life as long as she’s happy. if she is doing what she wants she’ll figure out a way to do it. and maybe i am projecting my own headcanons and feelings on to them and this, but it just... makes sense to me that maybe after homeworld... things would calm down a bit.

and again totally understand and get it, if connie genuinely wants to be a very academic person and her own ambition is wanting to get a headstart. it’s just... it could’ve been done SO differently that wouldn’t feel as much like the asian and nerdy trope and could be there for steven’s sake. 

like i understand you have to introduce what’s been going on with everyone at the start of the epilogue. like all you literally had to do was explain that she was busy with school and extracurriculars .... because it’s true and believable and doesn’t feel too extra. like school hours take up most of the day and if she has stuff going on after school like homework, violin, hell nothing told us she ever dropped tennis, like all that as a high schooler can keep anyone busy until 9pm. im sure she’s made other friends too to hang with like jeff. just by said she’s been at school you eliminate the idea that in her free time all she does is work and study.... 

if you REALLY needed the world to know connie was working on college prep too, it’s a simple throwaway line to give to her that’s like. “i’ve gotten started on college prep/i’m thinking of getting started on prepping for college” but you have to give her this line while she’s hanging with steven or leaving hanging out with him. because then you’ve established that connie is literally just not studying. that she HAS been hanging with steven. 

even grace rolek couldn’t be apart of suf for whatever reason it’s as simple as name dropping connie every so often. or show her leaving scenes. like, to be heading out before steven has to take care of something else. or steven saying is going to hang with connie later. even if one of the gems ask where’s connie been??? it’s like helping establish that she is important to his life and it’s noticed when she’s gone. instead she tends to get treat as a convenient person for steven to have around but when she’s not needed she makes little impact on everyone.. which SUCKS. it just feels unfair to her as a character.

but anyway like i was saying. connie connects steven to his human life and can help take him away from gem responsibilities and her appearance is desperately needed. some people have speculated that it’s possible she’s gonna come in near the end and help to steven. and just if she shows up at the end to like fix steven or whatever. it’s gonna suck. because then she’s basically cemented herself as a character only there to help the main character. (which again is another popular trope among poc characters...) instead of a fully fleshed out character who it feels natural to have helped steven along his journey of healing because she is an important person to him. 

[roll-da-credits]

HC: 104th Corps Forgetting Their S/o's Birthday

Characters: Mikasa, Jean, Connie

A/n: sorry for not posting for a while, I was caught up in writing a book I want to make for a friend of mine birthday, this was hilarious to write cause I'm just thinking of Modern Mikasa setting a hundred reminders about your birthday. Anyways, hope you guys enjoy this!

🖤❤️🖤

Mikasa Ackerman

I don't even know how it's possible for Mikasa to forget your birthday, she has prepared for your birthday MONTHS before your actual birthday

But then, on the day of your birthday, she was too busy with everything around her

From Eren planning mass genocide again, Armin freaking out that Eren is planning mass genocide, to Sasha stealing every single food from Nicolo (this is set around Nicolo arrives in Paradis and before Eren went batshit)

Needless to say, she was so busy that she completely forgot

To be honest, because of how hectic the day was, you almost forgot as well, if not for some of the scouts wishing you a very quick happy birthday when they passed you by, before going back to whatever they were doing

Even Levi wished you a happy birthday, so you were a bit sour when you realized Mikasa wasn't going to

Though you waited until nighttime before making any assumptions, when it came and she got ready to sleep then you truly realized she forgot

Of course, you told her that it was your birthday and, cue Mikasa freaking the fuck out.

She immediately apologized a lot, getting your gifts and explaining what plans she had planned beforehand to do on your birthday, only for her to forget

She feels INCREDIBLY bad, almost like when she thought Eren died, kind of bad. You'll have to be the one to say it's alright and that you understand because you knew she wouldn't have forgotten your birthday at all if it wasn't for how busy the day was.

The next day though, she PAMPERS you, she feels really bad for missing your birthday so she follows you around the next day helping with anything and everything that you were doing, getting you water when you were tired, and basically helping you out.

Jean Kirstein

Another person I literally could not see forgetting your birthday, this man probably is one of the person who most cares about his friends, but still acts low-key about it

So again, for him to forget your birthday, it was probably a hectic day.

He had already drawn you a beautiful self portrait of yourself and was planning to give that as a gift alongside other small trinkets the night before.

But when morning came, he's immediately dragged out of bed by Sasha and Connie, since he woke up late, and you were missing. So your birthday didn't really register in his mind.

After being dragged out of bed he was immediately pushed to do his duties, from a lot of discussions with the Anti Marleyan Volunteers, to building more stuff to accommodate the new trade with the Azumabito clan

Long story short he forgot because the entire day he didn't see you and he was too tired with the grueling tasks he had to endure to remember

When you realized he forgot since he wasn't seeking you out, you were rather pissed, so when you did meet him and he still didn't say any kind of happy birthday you gave him the silent treatment, much to his dismay

He's been through the silent treatment with Mikasa before and when you started doing it he panicked, trying to think what he did wrong, only to remember it was your birthday.

No matter how late it is he will suddenly just surprise you the moment you come in to your room, you looked around and you realized he set up a small birthday party extremely quickly and a bit messily.

Candles everywhere for the romantic aspect, a small cake he begged Nicolo to make last minute on the table, and his beautiful drawing completed with him begging for you to forgive him.

Which how could you not??? The man drew a beautiful portrait for you.

Connie Springer

Connie is one of those guys that I could def see forgetting your birthday, he's one of those guys that remember like 2 months before your actual birthday and prepares your gift then

But the next week, completely forgets what he bought and if he did buy you a present

Well the day of your birthday, the two of you woke up and you expected him to say Happy Birthday to you first, but instead he simply said good morning and went about with his day

It wasn't even a busy day, it was a normal day whereas usual he had to do a lot of things but it wasn't a hectic day like in Mikasa's or Jean's case

He just forgot

And somehow, he didn't realize it when Nicolo gave you a small pastry to go with your lunch, nor did he realize it when he sees a bunch more people go up to you only for them to say a couple of words and go on with their day

Dense

Mother

Fucker

Obviously, you feel really annoyed, he was your boyfriend for god's sake and somehow he forgot about your birthday.

Sasha and Jean at this point had already wished you a happy birthday though after seeing how sad you seemed asked you what was wrong. After explaining that Connie probably forgot, they both were pretty pissed.

Connie probably got a good scolding from Jean whilst Sasha watched.

Afterward, he'd actually remember he got you a gift a while back, and after apologizing and setting up a small apology date for the two of you with the help of Jean and Sasha, he finally wished you a happy birthday.

Btw you can definitely use this incident to guilt-trip him any time in the future.

[theotherackerman]

My Mind Turns Your Life Into Folklore

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER: Any recognizable elements belong to Attack on Titan.

NOTES: New Year’s Day January 1st, Friday

Trigger warning: mentions of self harm and suicide.

song credit:

marjorie- taylor swift

CHAPTER THREE:  glitter on the floor after the party

Mikasa stood there, absolutely dumbfounded.

Had Eren really just walked away from her again?

The door opened again.

An unmasked Zeke Jaeger stepped back out and sighed.

“Fucking idiot,” he muttered under his breath as he lit a cigarette.

Mikasa looked over at him.

She knew he was right.

She was an idiot.

As if he was reading her mind, Zeke spoke again.

“Him, not you.” He took off his leather jacket and wrapped it around Mikasa’s shoulders.

“Why are you being so nice to me? If it’s out of pity…”

Zeke laughed, “It is not you, I pity. It is him. Eren. He is a fucking idiot. I cannot blame him though. I understand it. My father kept my mom and I a secret, that was bad. What he did to Eren, that was worse.” He took a drag of his cigarette. “Not my place to tell you or I would.”

What could she even say to that?

Eren didn’t want to tell her, he didn’t want to let her in.

Instead he had left her...twice. She didn’t know what she would do if he left a third time.

“Didn’t your dad die of lung cancer?” She asked.

She knew he had.

She had been at his funeral, holding Eren’s hand as Grisha was buried in the ground.

Zeke couldn’t help but laugh, “yeah, he did. Fucker deserved worse.” He stomped on the cigarette before turning to go inside. “Do not stay out here too long. Do not want you getting sick. I should find out where Eren wandered off to.”

She began to remove his jacket.

Zeke held up a hand. “Keep it. It’s Eren’s anyway.”

The door swung open to reveal four very angry women and a very angry Armin.

“I’ll take out his knee caps. Annie, you tackle him and take him down,” Ymir called out.

“I feel awful. I really had no idea Niccolo was in a band with Eren…” Sasha sobbed.

Everyone froze when they saw Zeke and Mikasa.

“Hello,” Zeke said with the tiniest of waves.

“Zeke?” Armin questioned.

“Hello, Armin. Mikasa probably needs you all right now. I have to find out where my brother wandered off to this time.”

“Well then you can take Annie and me right to him. Today is the day he loses those kneecaps!” Ymir cracked her knuckles.

Zeke just laughed, “Eren deserves it, there is no doubt, but as his brother, I must protect him. He only began to walk again..”

Everyone’s eyes began to widen as Zeke realized what he had said.

“Fuck! I shouldn’t have said that," Zeke remarked.

Mikasa felt as if she was lost at sea, she was drowning.

Her eyes began to fill with tears.

Her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest.

Eren hadn’t been able to walk?

What was wrong with him?

She couldn’t breathe.

“Zeke, what is wrong with Eren?” Armin spoke up.

“Mentally or physically?”

“Both,” Historia whispered.

Zeke ran his hand through his hair before he lit up another cigarette. “He is going to kill me for even saying that much...I suppose there is no problem with telling you what is already common knowledge.”

“We already know he’s bipolar. I found the band’s website on Instagram,” Annie said as she walked towards Mikasa. She took her hand, slowly pulling her in front of the girls. Sasha took Mikasa's other hand and rested her head on Mikasa’s shoulders.

“I’m sorry, Mika,” Sasha whispered.

“It’s okay,” Mikasa replied.

They all turned their attention back to Zeke who seemed to be observing them all with great c uriosity.

“Then you already saw that his liver went bad too. I cannot tell you much else. There are other things wrong with Eren but like your loyalty to Mikasa, my loyalty is to my brother. He may be an asshole but he is my family. My only family. I do not ask you to understand or even forgive him. I think he is acting like an idiot,” Zeke paused to take a drag of his cigarette. “ While he is my only family, I was not his. I do not agree with him leaving his other family because things got hard. He is acting like our father by doing that.”

“Is he going to die?” Mikasa’s voice cracked.

“We’re all going to die but no. Not anytime soon. The treatment of his liver was successful. I should really go find him and you all should get out of the cold. Goodnight, ladies and Armin.”

And with that, Zeke Jaeger disappeared into the night to find his brother.

No one moved to go inside. They all looked to Mikasa for what they should do next.

“I’m tired,” she whispered.

“Let’s go back to the hotel then. Limo is out front already. I thought we’d need a getaway car,” Historia laughed.

Mikasa’s eyes were still filled with tears, her heart was still racing, and it was hard to breathe.

But she wasn’t drowning or lost at sea anymore.

No, she was safe.

She couldn’t help but feel bad for Eren.

She had once been his anchor but now, he had no one. So she began to cry.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Zeke didn’t have to go very far to find Eren. He was sitting in the passenger seat of the van they had rented to move the equipment. Zeke walked around the driver’s side and opened the door.

“You want to tell me what that was about?” Zeke asked as he climbed into the car.

Eren said nothing.

“Should I schedule you for a session?” Zeke asked.

“No, I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?”

No, Eren wasn’t sure.

He felt more broken than he had when the night had started.

He hadn’t expected to see her here. The last he had heard, she had moved away to pursue her dreams with her new band.

Eren was not ready for this. He had thought he had been when he had sent her the letter.

But how wrong he had been.

“Am I sure I’ll be fine? No. I just want to go home and go to sleep. Is that okay?” Eren answered as he clicked his seatbelt into place.

--------------------------------------------------------

Why had they all slept on the floor of their suite when there three bedrooms each with two beds attached?

Well it was simple.

No one wanted to leave Mikasa alone. Mikasa was very grateful for her friends.

After stopping for breakfast, they all went back to the Ackerman house.

“I’m sorry, Mikasa,” Sasha apologized again.

“Sasha, really. It’s not your fault. Go be with your family. Isn’t Connie coming over so you, Jean, and him can watch movies? I promise. I’m not mad.” Mikasa hugged her friend tightly so she knew they were okay.

Annie and Armin were awkwardly standing by Annie’s car while Ymir and Historia were standing by the limo.

“You guys can go too. I’m fine. Levi is here. Hange is here. Besides, there’s something I have to do today.”

Armin gave her a look.

He knew exactly where she was going.

She nodded.

Ymir, Historia, and Annie look at each other.

“Text us if you need us,” Armin said before he got into Annie’s car.

The other three followed his lead.

As she opened the front door, two furry creatures moved in for the attack. They began to bark and run around her legs.

“Ahh!” She screamed as she shut the door behind her and dropped her bag.

“Sawney! Bean!” Hange yelled as the dogs continued to run laps around Mikasa’s legs.

“Puppies?” Mikasa was very confused at the moment.

“Levi’s. Late Christmas gift. His therapist said that a pet would be good for him. I found these guys. They’re corgis! Look at their little legs!”

The two potato size golden furred creatures jumped up trying to get Mikasa’s attention.

“They’re extremely smart! They can herd cattle with those tiny legs!” Hange picked up one of the puppies and handed it to Mikasa. The puppy began licking her face.

“Tiny legs...sounds like someone else I know…” She muttered as she petted the corgi.

“Ha. Ha. Ha. Those jokes never get old, brat,” Levi remarked as he walked into the room holding two flower bouquets. “Sure you don’t want me to come?”

Mikasa sat the puppy down on the floor and took the flowers from Levi.

“No, I’ll be fine. Keys?”

Levi handed her the keys.

“I’ll be back soon.”

-------------------------------

The graveyard was always empty on New Year’s Day which was why Mikasa always made a stop here. She strolled through the headstones before coming to a stop. She gently placed one the flower bouquets on the grave.

“Hey, Mom. Hi, Dad.” She sat down in front of the grave. “I wrote 40 songs since I saw you last. Historia and I are really making good music together. I wish I had her voice though. She can hit those high notes and my voice just can’t. Levi said you were the same way, Mom. Your voice was lower when you sang. He said when you’d come over, you'd go play the piano and just sing. Even though it was Dad’s family…..it didn’t matter. You just came in and made it yours too….” She could feel the tears rolling down her face.

“He let the piano get out of tune. Hange bought him two puppies. They’re corgis. He thinks I don’t know how hard he’s struggling. He wants me to live my own life but some days, I just wish he’d admit it. He’s too proud.”

She wiped the tears from her eyes.

“Ymir and Historia are having problems. I hope they figure it out. I know they're meant to be together. Armin and I made up. I missed him. He wasn’t really to blame anyway. Eren’s bad off...I saw him. He’s not...I don’t know. I don't know what is going on and I don’t know why I care. He’s still got your ring, Dad. He sent me the box back so I don’t know what’s in it. I’m afraid to open it. I….I just don’t know and I really need you, Mom. I need you to be here and be a mom. I can’t talk to Levi about this. I can’t talk to my friends because they hate Eren and I hate him too...at least that is what I tell myself.”

She began to cry harder, “I miss him. I really do but...what do I do?”

She fell silent as she allowed herself to cry. The ache in her chest from losing her parents was indescribable. She could have used a mother right now.

After she stopped crying, she stood up. “One more person to visit today. I’ll be back soon, I promise.”

Mikasa began her walk to the other side of the cemetery.

As she grew closer to the grave, she heard the soft music of an acoustic guitar playing.

Her heart leapt up into her throat.

It couldn’t be.

Fate could not be that cruel.

But it was.

She saw Carla’s grave and Eren sitting in front of it. His hair was pulled up into a bun. He didn’t look up or acknowledge her at all. She placed the flowers on Carla’s headstone before sitting down next to Eren.

The music was soothing.

She closed her eyes and just listened to him play. She hadn’t heard him play since his dad had died until last night. She remembered the hours he had put into learning the guitar, even more than she had put into learning piano. One day, he had played until his fingers bled, Carla had taken his guitar away. Carla had told Eren that he needed to learn balance. He couldn’t push himself that hard.

A lesson that Mikasa knew Eren still hadn’t learned yet.

She couldn’t help but smile at the memory.

As she continued to listen to each cord, she realized this was an entirely new song that she had never heard before. Had Eren written this on his own or was this something he had created with his band?

Every note began to swim around in her head. She could create lyrics from these notes. Lyrics about what? She remembered where she was but it was almost as if she could hear her parents and Carla speaking to her through the music.

“[lyrics redacted due to copyright],” She sang quietly causing Eren to stop playing for a moment. She didn’t open her eyes, she didn’t want to ruin this moment.

“[lyrics redacted due to copyright],” she sang again.

Eren resumed his playing.

It felt so comforting.

It was as if everything else melted away.

She opened her eyes, daring to look at Eren.

He held her gaze from a moment which allowed her to really see him.

There were dark circles underneath his eyes. It was clear he hadn’t had any sleep. He looked away from her.

She couldn’t help but become self conscious.

Should she leave? Had she intruded on a moment between mother and son?

“[lyrics redacted due to copyright],” Eren sang, making Mikasa realize truly how much she had missed his voice.

Sure, she had heard it the night before but this was different.

This felt private like it was  something only to be shared between them.

They had written songs together before, yes.

Nothing like this though.

Nothing so deeply personal.

When Eren stopped playing, Mikasa was pulled from her thoughts.

“See you later, Mom,” he said as he stood up and readjusted his guitar.

He looked down at Mikasa before offering her his hand.

She took it, allowing him to pull her to her feet.

They began to walk together out to the parking lot.

Mikasa didn’t see Eren’s car in the parking lot.

“Zeke will be back in a couple hours,” Eren muttered as he looked down at the ground.

“I can take you home...to your home.” She looked up at him. He was staring at her. “Carla would kill both of us if I left you here in the cold for hours.”

“I’ve been through worse,” he muttered before he nodded.

The awkwardness between them was almost too much for Mikasa to handle.

She should have left him in the cold.

She should have never offered to take him home but she couldn’t leave him.

Even after all the horrible things he had said to her, done to her, she couldn’t just leave him here alone in a cemetery parking lot.

She unlocked Levi’s car and climbed in.

Eren hesitated for a moment before he got inside.

“I’m at the old house,” he told her before buckling his seatbelt.

Mikasa reversed the car and backed out of the space.

[feverinfeveroutfic]

chapter twenty-seven: lars of the dead

“Okay. Okay, Scott. We'll see you soon.”

Aurora hung up the phone and brushed away a couple of tears. Sam had taken her seat on the far side of the room and she rested her elbows upon her knees. She kept her head bowed away so no one would have to see the tears in her eyes. Marla rested a hand on her back in hopes to comfort her: she sniffled and brushed away a few tears from her eyes.

Sam meanwhile couldn't muster up tears for herself, and it made no sense. She had no idea as to how to feel about any of it.

Aurora doubled back to them as the tears began to fall for herself.

“Zelda and Belinda are on their way, too,” she told them in a broken voice. “The boys should be here later tonight, too. Scott told me they were boarding onto the plane right then.”

“How long's the flight?” Sam asked her.

“Well, they're in Sweden right now. In total, it's about a twelve hour flight from Stockholm to New York—they have a stopover up in Reykjavik first, though. But seeing as it's around three in the afternoon right now, they'll be home real late tonight, though. Like around midnight.”

Sam sighed through her nose and bowed her head towards the floor.

“I'm so sorry, Sam,” Marla wept and she brought her free hand to her mouth.

“I just wonder how his parents feel at the moment,” she confessed.

“Scott told me that Jan just broke down,” Aurora filled them in, and she brushed away another couple of tears from her eyes. “I heard Ray breaking down in the background, too. No idea about Connie, though.”

Her voice bled away as Sam thought about how close she had gotten to Cliff there. She knew that in a few months time, Lars would be out and Cliff planned to move on out. That was the plan, however, and yet it seemed set in stone.

She thought about her parents and what she would say to them. There was the funeral to be planned. There was all of it. There was what to do afterwards. There was all of it. All of it!

So many questions and what to do after it she had found the answers, or maybe there was no answer.

At one point, she stepped outside to the cold autumnal rain to get away from the space. Aurora offered to join her, but she told her she would go out alone.

“She needs to be alone, anyway,” Marla told her before Sam left the building. She adjusted the brim of her hat and the rain stayed out of her dry face. A heavy, full feeling emerged in her chest and her stomach turned at the smell of fresh chocolate from the bakery next door. That cup of Mexican hot chocolate she had made for him.

But she shook her head and she kept on walking. The school stood in the shadows of the rain and she wished to be away from there, to never walk there ever again. Cliff had walked home with her.

Everything reminded her of him, from the rain water in the storm drain next to her, to the buildings all around the block. The water reminded her of the way in which he always seemed to find her and he always soothed things over when he showed up. The yellow of the street lights. The yellow tulips.

The book shop. Siddhartha in that book shop.

Cliff came over from San Francisco and yet that neighborhood made her think of it, and it made her think of him. A waft of cinnamon caught her attention as she rounded the corner. The smell of Christmas. The trip back home to Carson City and California.

When they all ate dinner together.

When they saw Legacy together.

Legacy!

She wondered if they knew about the news. She turned her attention to a shop window to her left: amongst the small rivulets of rain water, she gazed on at herself. Her face had washed out to a sickly white, or perhaps it was the incoming darkness that did that for her. But her dark eyes gazed back at her and she wished she could crawl inside of them. Crawl inside of that darkness and disappear into nothing.

Into the same nothing that Cliff had gone into himself. No tears to cry and the sky did it for her anyway. She lingered in an alleyway with her head bowed and her hands tucked in her coat pockets. She stared down at her waist and she yearned for another touch courtesy of Cliff himself.

He loved her body. She didn't realize it but even in the midst of the setbacks, the omissions, and the heat itself, he still came back to her very flesh. To feel him again. To hold him again.

Even with the rain, she took off the hat by the crown so the inside pointed upwards. She brought the inside closer to her nose for a whiff. Even amongst her own smell, she could still catch a good whiff of the way his hair used to smell. She had no idea as to how long it would last inside of her head given her own smell, but she knew she had to relish every part of it.

She thought back to her dreams of the mysterious man with the stripe in his hair, and she wondered if she would still dream about him even with Cliff gone. She recalled what she had heard from him that one time.

“The clock is your friend.” She realized what he meant by that now. Cliff was only three years older than her and yet three years felt so small and miniscule when she thought about it. In three years, she would be the same age, and yet three years ago, she still lived on the West Coast and Metallica were still rather small in the music world. Three years. Three years time his scent wouldn't be there inside of her hat anymore.

The clock was her friend.

She also thought about another thing he had said to her: “embrace her.” But who was he talking about? The heavy feeling in her chest and the hollow feeling in her stomach only worsened with the feeling of hunger. She needed to call her parents, anyway.

The whole feeling was so much for her that she returned to the space in hopes to call up her parents, but Belinda and Zelda had already showed up there with tears in their eyes as well.

“I'm so sorry, Sam,” Zelda told her as a single tear streaked down her face. “I had no idea you guys were together.”

“It was only official for a little bit,” Sam assured her with a sigh through her nose. “But yeah, we were—we were kind of a thing.”

“If you need anything, tell us,” Belinda said to her as she put her arm around her.

“Thank you, Bel. Other than the fact that I'm kind of hungry and I need to call my parents, I don't really need anything else at the moment.”

“I don't really feel like going out, though,” Marla confessed from the next room. “Given it's raining and whatnot—and I kinda want to be here when Charlie gets here.”

Sam turned her attention to Zelda.

“By the way, does Louie know?”

“The hell he does,” Zelda replied as her eyes glistened and shone bright. “The first thing he did was call up Chuck and Eric, and then Zetro. When I left, he told me he wasn't moving from his spot there on the carpet. Making sure it doesn't turn into a bullshit game of telephone and whatnot.”

The three of them took their seat on the floor outside of the room: the chairs had been tucked away in another side of the building. Zelda, who continued to shed tears herself, turned her attention to the room before them. The rehearsal spot. The place where Anthrax had played that song for Sam on that first day.

“Let me ask you two a question,” she began with a sniffle.

“What's that?” Sam asked her.

“Why haven't the Cherry Suicides gotten a better place for ourselves?”

“Why haven't you?” Marla called from the next room.

“Well, I mean, we have looked around—but we haven't really gotten anywhere with our music, though. People like us and stuff. If Metallica and Anthrax got the same treatment, why haven't we been given a nice space like this or a record deal for that matter? We have a whole batch of songs to boot. We've never been approached by this label here or anything else, really.”

“Good question, actually,” Belinda added. Sam lowered her gaze to the floor before her. Indeed, they were a good band and it only seemed fair to have someone on their end to pick them up.

“There's no girl bands on this label, either,” Marla chimed in from the next room. “At least, that's according to Charlie.”

“Surely you've been recommended,” Sam said. “I think you have—Aurora went out, though, so I can't ask her about it. She's in charge of all that. I'm just her assistant.”

“I think we have, too,” Zelda recalled. “Another thing I want to know is why haven't we gone on tour yet. Ourselves.”

“I always thought you would kill on tour,” Sam told her. “Just the times we got to see you and everything.”

“And why do you ladies get stuck here doing all the work, too? You should be out having fun with all of us!”

“We're art students—we're kinda tied down to it,” Belinda said.

“But you're artists, though! Artists need to kick and scream and doubt themselves and be a part of this great big world! I'm surprised you girls haven't gotten more pissed about all of this. If Cliff dying has done anything to me, it's that I realize we're all being tied down. We need to rock n' roll like the boys.”

Sam and Belinda glanced at another.

“We should tell them about it, too,” Marla suggested. “They're all open minded boys—they'll understand.”

“Yeah, especially Louie,” Zelda continued, “in fact, before I left the apartment, he even said that to me. He said 'you girls need to whip us all into shape. We're gonna get too lazy.'”

Sam thought about Joey and if he kept his promises to her, to not drink too much or indulge too much. It was all a two way street. They needed each other. Of course!

Within a few hours, Aurora emerged from the cold drenched darkness with Scott, Frank, Charlie, Dan, Joey, James, Kirk, and Lars behind her. The first thing Sam did was throw her arms around Joey and he rested his chin upon his shoulder.

“I was just starting to get to know them, too,” he whispered into her ear. She stood back but she kept her arm around him. The grave looks on their faces told her everything she needed to know.

“Honestly, what even happened?” Marla asked Charlie once he planted his lips onto hers.

“We got ahead of them,” he explained in a soft voice and with a gesture back to James, Kirk, and Lars, “like their bus left a day early from ours. We were in Stockholm when someone came to us and told us, 'Metallica's bus rolled over about an hour up the road.' Kirk and Cliff drew cards as to who would slip in the top bunk, and Cliff drew the ace of spades, believe it or not, so he took that. No idea how the bus rolled over, though.”

“The cops said it was black ice,” James joined in that big booming voice, “but Kirk and I both looked and there was none. They also said he was partially ejected from the window, too, so the bus literally came down on him. The dumb idiot bus driver was hammered, I'm sure of it. Guys from Armored Saint went home already so there's no asking them about it, either. God damn it.”

Frank turned his attention to Sam, who had her arms around the silent Joey still, and he brushed away tears himself.

“Last thing I said to Cliff was I would see him tomorrow,” he told her in a low voice.

“Aw, Frankie.” Sam let go of Joey for an embrace on his part. Frank held her so close to his body: if nothing, he would always be her best friend. Her best friend forever.

“Honestly, if you girls were with us, it probably wouldn't have happened,” Kirk confessed. “Aurora could drive the four of us. Cliff would still be here...” His voice trailed off.

“I hate to do this right now but why haven't the Cherry Suicides been signed yet?” Zelda piped up. “Especially since you guys seem to value us so much. We could've actually done something for you!”

“Yeah, I mean, why do you boys get to go out and do stuff but we women stay here and hold down the fort?” Belinda demanded. “We have things to do ourselves, sure. But it only makes sense, though. Losing one of your own ought to change everything, especially with us.”

“We love you girls,” Scott assured her.

“But why do you guys get the big fucking tours,” Zelda joined in, “and bands like mine get relegated to the tiny clubs the size of a pinhead?”

“Wish I knew the answer to that—”

Right behind them, Sam took a step back and pressed her back to the wall. It was too much. They were arguing and yet they seemed to overlook the very fact that it was her boyfriend who had been killed. Not just their friend and brother, but her boyfriend. She turned her head to the right: Joey had disappeared into the drenched darkness himself. For all she knew, he had gone back home.

She turned her head to the left. Lars lingered with his back to the wall himself. He looked as though he had something to add and yet no window opened for him. He stood much shorter than James and she never noticed it before, either.

They were all either arguing or staring off into space and wondering about life from thence forth. But she had already done that on her walk. It was time to do the dirty work and turn over a new leaf for herself. For themselves.

The aroma of fresh coffee caught her attention. They were all bickering but she saw no opportunity to join in with them all.

Cliff was gone. Cliff was gone and all they could do was argue and turn a blind eye to her.

But then Lars turned his attention to her. She looked over at him and his gesture for her to come closer to him. She did and he held onto her shoulder. Lars guided her away from there and into the next room so they could be alone. The only light came from the street outside of the window on the far side of the room.

But the darkness comforted her like a blanket; he brought her over to the corner closest to the side door. Even though the chairs had been taken out of there, Sam still took her seat in the corner. She wanted nothing more than to be under the shadow, away from everyone else. She brought her knees closer to her chest: the new weight on her body kept her from moving them in closer.

In the dim light, she rose her gaze up to Lars' silhouette.

“How do you like your coffee?” he asked her.

“A bit of cream and that's it,” she answered in a broken voice, even though she hadn't shed a single tear up to that point. Frank cursed something out there and Marla started crying again. Sam bowed her head and hunched her shoulders. The two of them sneaked out of there and no one noticed them, either.

“My boyfriend gets killed and they argue like a bunch of hens,” she muttered as she folded her arms across her chest.

“It's understandable, though,” he assured her as he took a pair of mugs out of the drawer. Using the soft light from the street next to them, he poured her a cup of coffee. “On the flight home, James and Kirk argued for the entire twelve hours. I tuned them out when we landed in Iceland. I was starting to get a headache.” He handed her the mug with a soft look on his face.

“Thank you,” she said in a near whisper.

“You know—if it is any comfort to you at all, I had believed I had rekindled my friendship with him all the way through and he was excited for me when we were headed for Scandinavia. I was excited and eager to return home and see my old friends again, and he was happy for me. I thought it was going good between us again. The bunch of us having reaffirmed our friendship to each other and we would start our own thing there in the Bay Area...” His voice trailed off as he poured himself some coffee and he took a seat next to her. She knitted her eyebrows together when she thought about what Cliff had told her.

“Did he ever mention the possibility of coming out this way at some point?” she asked him, and in the soft yellow light from the street, she could make out the frown on his round face.

“No.” He paused. “Never heard anything like that from him. Why?”

“He told me that he wanted to be out here to be closer to me. If James and Kirk got rid of you, then he was going to leave, too. It's like he had it all figured out, it was weird.”

“Why didn't he at the very least get out here instead of relying on something that perhaps wouldn't happen anyways?” he wondered aloud in a single breath.

“I wish I knew.” Her face fell. “I even asked him that.”

“Why not consider coming back out to California? You are from there after all.”

“Yes, but I love New York. This is my home. I have my friends and my life here. And Louie lives out here, too.”

“Right, Louie lives out here! I can envision it with him, come to think of it. But—he was always a home grown guy, though. I can't envision him doing that.”

“And he's gone, too.”

“And he's gone as well.” Lars sighed through his nose and he brought the mug closer to his lips. Sam turned her head and she made sight of the golden yellow light upon the side of his face. Their voices floated into the room right there but neither of them flinched a muscle.

“We were all struggling,” he added. “But at least we had each other.”

At the sound of that, Sam started to wonder if she had anything to do with Cliff's desire to get away from them. She brought her mug to her lips again for another sip and then she turned her head back in Lars' direction.

“Do you think maybe I drove you guys apart?”

“You? What would you have anything to do with it?” He was stunned.

“Because we were together. You said it yourself: you had each other.”

“Yes, but—truth be known, Cliff and I had been drifting apart for a while. And by a while, I mean a full year.”

“So—before we were together.”

“Yeah. I mean, if anything, you helped him ask some questions about himself. You forced him to look at himself. I know this because I went through the same thing before I met James.”

“Really?”

“Oh, yeah. Before my life as a drummer, I was a tennis player. But then, out of curiosity, I put an ad in this music magazine called The Recycler. I kind of did it as a joke. I wasn't expecting anyone to reply to it. And then James called me, and I had to question everything after that. Sometimes you meet someone who forces you to better get in touch with yourself, even if it means potentially putting everything you already had before you on the line. Sometimes you meet someone who helps you figure out yourself better than you ever could by yourself.”

The room outside fell silent and Sam gazed past Lars to the small sliver of a doorway. Even with a mere pocket of view into the next room, they could tell no one in there.

“Did everyone leave?” she asked him, and he followed her gaze. He returned to her so the light shone over his face again.

“Don't know.”

He sighed through his nose.

“They say the flame that burns twice as bright, burns half as long,” he remarked, to which he lifted his mug to the darkness. “To Cliff.”

“To Cliff,” she echoed him in a soft whisper of a voice, and they both took drinks of the hot coffee at the same time. Sam brought the mug closer to her chest and she bowed her head. Lars sighed through his nose and he gazed on at her with a thoughtful look on his face.

“By the way, I had no idea the two of you were together,” he confessed in a low voice. She peered up at his face and the shadow cast over his right side.

“He told me to keep it a secret,” she recalled with a shrug of her shoulders, “I finally told Aurora about it a few months ago and it never slipped out. I guess loss is truly revealing. If there's anyone crying right now, it should be me—” She was cut off by the sound of her own tears. She vowed to turn over a new leaf, and yet her own body disallowed it. Lars put his free arm around her.

“D'you call your parents yet?” he gently asked her, to which she shook her head. “You should while it is still early. Three hour time difference, they're probably still very much awake.”

Tears burned her eyes. She had no idea how to say it other than come right out and tell them.

He fetched up another sigh and he raised his mug yet again.

“And happy birthday, Alex,” Lars continued. Sam lifted her gaze up to him with tears still in her eyes.

“It's Alex's birthday already?”

Lars nodded his head as he held the glass close to his chest.

“Tomorrow is the twenty seventh. He's eighteen on Monday.”

“Aw...” Her chin trembled a bit.

“Little man. Delicate little young boy now officially a young man, and the gray hairs to go along with it.”

The clock was her friend. Gray hairs. She wasn't thinking straight and yet it made sense to her.

Sam's eyes burned with tears. A firm lump emerged from inside of her throat. The news of Cliff's death had kept the tears at bay but those words from Lars did the trick. Her lips trembled and she brought a hand to her face. It all came out of her like a waterfall.

Her boyfriend was gone. Lars set down his mug on the floor and he moved in closer towards her with his arms wide open. He held her close to his body and she buried her face in his shirt. It was as torrential as the rain outside of the window. She could hear their voices on the street and yet all she wanted was to be held by Lars. She didn't want him to let her go.

“Go make art,” he encouraged her as he rocked her. “Call your parents and make art.”

“I can't—” she wept. “I can't—”

“Do it!” he pled. “Do it for the sake of Cliff. Do it for life itself! Life is precious, Sam—make art with the tapestry of life!”

“Cliff did say that he was inspired to play bass because of the death of his brother,” she tearfully recalled.

“Take a page from his book,” he said with a nod of his head. “Make the best art you can possibly think of. Release yourself. Free yourself from the pain. It is painful—but it will free yourself from the pain of living and the dead itself. Do it for Cliff. Do it for life. Do it for yourself. Add to the world. Leave a legacy the way in which he did. Leave a legacy and burn.”

[snk-furbies]

I thought Eren's birthday would be a good time to post my thoughts on Eren that I've been meaning to post ever since I first got into SNK around a year ago, but that came and went so this is a little late. But anyway...

Back when the first anime season was what everyone was talking about I of course heard of SNK as well, but was never interested in watching it myself. One article I read on it had something about how the story moves away from the typical shounen fare where the dumbass hotheaded protagonist saves the day with his passion and willpower, and instead portrays Eren's attitude in a more negative light and requires him to rely on his more level-headed friends just to survive, let alone achieve anything. But what I got from this was just that it's yet another dumb and reckless shounen protagonist, I've already seen enough of those so no thanks. Seeing audience comments of Eren being a constantly angry brat who does nothing but scream about revenge didn't help either. 

However once I finally read the manga properly years later it turned out that Eren's character became my favourite thing about the whole series. Part of that is because of the aforementioned treatment of typical shounen tropes which makes for an interesting change from what I'm used to seeing, but also because of I didn't find Eren that dumb or impulsive to begin with. Though do note that I'm comparing him to shounen heroes I'm familiar with, and being smarter and more sensitive than Luffy is not exactly a high bar to clear, but then again what else would I measure him up against if not my past experiences with other media in a similar category.

One thing that stuck out to me pretty early about Eren was how the unexpected amount of humility. Sure in the early series he is pretty confident in his ability to kill titans, but that doesn't last very far. For example when he fails at the 3dmg balance test at the beginning of his training he doesn't throw a temper tantrum at the shock of not being as amazing as he imagined or for being bested by his perceived rivals, but instead is worried for his future and asks for advice from his peers who had laughed at him earlier. 

But most importantly I really like Eren's attitude towards his superiors. For starters we don't get stuff like this (read right to left):

Instead Eren gets pushed around pretty harshly, but we don't really see him disrespect those above him, or even think unkind thoughts thoughts about them to himself or talk trash about them when they're out of earshot like Mikasa. Even when Oluo is repeatedly outright rude towards him we never see Eren think any less of him. Or when Levi talks very dismissively about how Eren should figure out the situation himself in the forest in the Female Titan arc instead of getting offended Eren's first reaction is "I see, I don't get it because I'm new and he wants me to use this as a learning opportunity". I remember that a big moment for me getting into SNK was when I realised that Eren uses polite language when talking to his superiors even when he normally speaks like what you'd expect from a hotheaded shounen protagonist. Overall I find that he's quite a disciplined soldier and can follow orders just fine, and we don't have to suffer through plot points where the overly emotional protagonist ruins a plan and jumps into action where he doesn't belong because he just couldn't control his feelings (to the point that we do get a plot point where his team dies specifically because he chose to follow the plan and not his own instincts). And when he does oppose his superiors in the serumbowl it's an entirely different kind of situation.

Then there's the topic of intelligence, and even there I don't think Eren's quite the short sighted muscle brain I expected him to be. There are plenty of scenes where he identifies his situation or at least tries to come up with some kind of plan through the story, for example how he killed two of the kidnappers as a child, how he understood what was up with the trial and didn't hold a grudge towards Levi for the assault or how he tries to think of how to deal with being captured by Reiner and Bertolt. Or when the army sees his titan transformation as a threat in Trost he plans to use his titan power to "somehow" escape and get to his basement (which isn't really much of a plan but we're comparing to the likes of Luffy and Naruto here), but most importantly he has a plan B, which is admitting that the first plan isn't realistic and trusting that his smarter friend is able to talk them out. Which I think is a pretty good and humble plan, especially from a supposedly dumb emotional shounen protagonist in such a dire situation (plus it's a great moment with him and Armin).

However I may be completely off the mark with my interpretation when it comes to what Isayama had in mind when writing Eren's intelligence since the databook gives him only 3 out of 10 for wits, which is the same as Connie "forgot why he went to the bathroom" Springer (and lower than Sasha's 5). Also the fact that Isayama seems to often talk pretty dismissively about Eren and asked the anime team to make him dumber doesn't help... Usually I think it's best not to argue against the author, but in this case I think I'll call Death of the Author; regardless of how you interpret "wits" I don't think manga Eren should have a value that low.

None of this is trying to suggest that Eren is not at all hotheaded or somewhat dense though. He repeatedly starts fistfights in the dining hall, is the only one unable to understand Hitch's feelings for Marlowe and (at least according to my interpretation) has no idea what is really going on with him and Mikasa's relationship, and as a kid one of the first things we see him do is believe the bullies are afraid of him when in reality it's Mikasa they fear. In the beginning of the series he has a very naive black and white worldview, and when it's challenged he has trouble adapting to it. But specifically the fact that he is impulsive and not the smartest guy out there is what I like so much about him; I really like seeing a shounen hero like that who isn't defined just by these traits and who the story doesn't let get away with his recklessness and stupidity. I'm used to free spirited power fantasy shounen protagonists being allowed to do whatever they want regardless of rank or social norms, or alternatively being the meek and insecure underdog on their way to become less meek and insecure, but I can't remember reading any other series where the hotheaded hero doesn't get his way just with passion and willpower alone, and instead has to follow a lot of rules and behave himself. For example Fullmetal Alchemist also has a quick-tempered teen in an army, but it has a completely different tone, and in it Ed can disrespect his superiors as much as he wants and the quirky officers just laugh it off.

I've seen other people write about how Eren would very much like to be your typical shounen protagonist, but to his misfortune he's stuck in a series which doesn't allow it. Which I find very accurate, and indeed when put into a less serious story like Spoof on Titan or the Jr High spin off Eren becomes a lot more annoying in my eyes: in them he's often reduced to being the loud dumbass who needs other characters to babysit him to get anything done. Now that I think of it, the Jr High Eren is pretty much what I thought I was going to get from the main series.

Finally, the above is based on the pre-timeskip Eren. As for 19-year-old Eren I really like how Isayama has allowed him to grow up from being reckless and dense, and the change feels like a believable evolution from the stuff he has gone through. While what he has done has been shall we say questionable, I love how composed and totally in control of his emotions he has been and how he has managed to pull off an undercover mission like this, and I can't wait for Isayama finally feeling like revealing what's really up with him.

[jeanandthedreamofhorses]

It was already heavily implied that humanity wasn't extinct as soon as we knew the titan trio came from outside the walls. Ymir's story being moved in the anime made it hit a lot harder emotionally. In the manga its placement came years after we'd last seen her, and knowing she was probably dead by then made it feel flatter. And Marco's death coming up when Reiner was having an identity crisis made more sense of how the stuff going on in his works. And it's important for Annie, too.

Sorry for the late response; I’ll answer point by point.

1) Not necessarily, because remember, at around the same time we knew that they came from outside of the walls (Reiner and Bertholdt’s reveal) we also learnt that all titans were once humans. I don’t know what general fandom consensus was, but I at least assumed humanity was still extinct but there were a select number of titans who had managed to shift back into humans. Alternatively, there could have been a small human community that survived the apocalypse and existed rudimentarily beyond the walls. There was nothing to strongly suggest that the apocalypse never happened at all. 

The early inclusion of Ymir’s flashback revealed explicitly that the cause of the titans was humans creating them, knowledge which skips a massive part of SNK’s thematic journey from monster to human - the whole purpose of the Uprising Arc is to introduce the idea that the Titan threat is really a human one. Revealing this now undoes a large part of what makes it so great and essential in SNK’s unwinding narrative. But, it shouldn’t be all that surprising given that this journey has been undermined before by the removal of Eren’s sympathy for Annie, which was its first major step. As is sadly so often the case with producers of adaptations, they clearly haven’t looked for anything below the surface. 

Additionally, Ymir’s backstory is far more enjoyable to watch with the knowledge of who the real Ymir actually is, and the presentation of it as a series of images flashing besides the letter’s quiet melancholy to a loved one shortly before death was, to me, much more moving than the anime’s basic flashback technique, entirely within the mind of a character and at a random time for the sole purpose of filling up the episode quota of the season; which is also dumb, because since Clash is quite a short arc and Uprising was quite a long one, why oh why didn’t they just combine the two into a 25-episode run like last time and allow adequate time for both? I mourn for the inevitable compression of Season 3. No matter what anyone else says (even Yams himself!), I really liked how the manga paced it.

But most importantly, Ymir’s letter fits with thematic perfection at the end of an arc about the uncovering of mysteries and delusions and dealing with the emptiness that exists beyond them.

Return to Shiganshina was the arc of Pyrrhic victories, the arc that really tested whether the lives lost in this grand pursuit were really worth it after the human and morally ambiguous elements were emphasised in Uprising. Erwin never got to see the basement, and though Eren did he found that the thing meant to bring an end to the war only revealed it to be far larger than he thought. Grisha’s revolutionary dreams are destroyed after being betrayed by his own son and realising the monster he’s become. Mikasa finds out the person she’s been fighting to protect will inevitably die in a few years. Armin who had longed for acceptance finds the man he had looked up to has died because of him and now is the figure of widespread distrust. Levi has to make the choice to let the man he lives to serve die, and fails to avenge him. Hange loses both people closest to them as well as their eye. Jean is unable to completely conquer his humanity for the sake of the mission (his constant struggle from the start, now being tested again in the latest chapter - I think he’ll try and shoot anyway but Magath will jump on him and sacrifice himself to save them), Connie is unable to avenge his family, Sasha is flat-out knocked unconscious in an explicit deprivation of ability. Marlowe loses hold of his grand ideals at the end. Reiner’s attempt to be a hero fails in just about every way possible, Bertholdt’s attempt to take responsibility ends with his death and the loss of the Colossal Titan power, and Zeke’s arrogance is humiliated by his ignoble defeat by Levi. 

The revelation of Ymir’s death fed into that greater theme as, to Historia, just as to the reader, her mystery and her absence kept us hoping - but now that hope is dashed against the wall as it is revealed that she was not a god like her name suggested, but a human, and one had already died long ago. And so Eren can take no pleasure in seeing the sea, because the dream associated with it is dead. It’s this nihilistic pit that allows the SC, and especially Eren, to commit the atrocities they are now - hopefully the final Arc will eventually help the, rediscover the passion, hope and soul they have lost after too much time spent with monsters.

So, if it’s disappointing to hear Ymir’s backstory knowing she’s likely dead…that’s the point.

2) I don’t see how it helps to have a flashback of Reiner’s split personality to explain his split personality. That’s not explanation, just…repetition. The reason Reiner’s role in the death scene is so effective in the manga is that Reiner’s reaction is the crown on top of the helplessness of the situation of the Warriors (and all sides) - Reiner had acted as the monster figure but it’s just part of his inability to process his grief, superbly perfecting the tragic pathos for the Warriors throughout the scene even while doing something so terrible. Three flashed images cannot compare to the drawn-out desperation of the situation that gradually generates the pathos culminating in Reiner’s reaction, nor does it explain (in the season itself) why they do it in the first place. And once again, thematic timing! Bertholdt’s death so clearly parallels Marco’s that if they don’t include this scene in Season 4 I’m gonna get mad - and just with Bertholdt’s death that gave no-one any satisfaction, so it was with Marco - another example of the Pyrrhic victory that belongs to the RTS Arc.

3) While I agree wholeheartedly that Annie deserves the best treatment, they had the good sense of including her training Eren to build sympathy for her (although still no “Maybe I could teach you” ARGH), and the Lost Girls light novel made Annie sympathetic before the Marco scene was even written. Including it before its time in both the season and the OVA was unnecessary and thematically harmful padding.

The SNK anime has been unsalvageable since Episode 25′s Rage-Monster Eren; even their attempts to fix their mistakes just disturb other careful formations. Its value lies solely in its music, voice acting, and function as a gateway to the manga. 

TLDR, the SNK anime is to the manga what this cake is to The Simpsons:

[hauteseeker]

Seven days in the Southwest solo. How can I describe my experience?

Unexpected. Exhilarating. Fulfilling.

There is so much to cover, so I am breaking down my time spent between the two different states and ten various cities that I visited in two parts.

Let me first start off the introduction to New Mexico by saying this; God made this area. You can see it in the landscape. It’s hard to be in this part of the country and not fathom that a higher power created such a beautiful scenery. My three-day stay in Santa Fe also consisted of travel through the cities of Albuquerque, Madrid, Cuerellos, Abiquqi, and Ojo. During my stay in New Mexico, I was able to experience various parts of this unique ecosystem along with art, people, and individual towns that are indeed one of a kind.

Day One: Albuquerque

The official day of my road trip started on Wednesday, October 10th. I took a late flight out the Tuesday before with the goal of arriving at a decent hour to my Airbnb in Albuquerque. That was not the case. I got about 4 hours sleep at the Airbnb( which was a waste of money) and quickly had to make my way to the festival grounds in time enough to catch a balloon ride.

Let’s backtrack just a little. I went to Albuquerque to attend the International Balloon Fiesta. I stumbled across the festival a couple of years ago and thought it looked amazing and knew I some point in my life I just had to go. It is recommended to get to the fairgrounds early. I didn’t realize I how soon until I hit the entrance. Boom. Traffic. I knew I was not going to let the lack of a ride ruin my trip when my goal was just to be apart of the unique experience anyways.

Waking up at the crack of down to see beautiful balloons rise to the skies was fantastic. During my time there I met some wonderful characters who had a long-standing history with the fiesta. One older woman shared some incredible insight with me. “What other sport in the world can you find that an any and everyone can participate in,” she said. It was true! Men, women, young, old, were walking the festival grounds, refereeing the balloons, and even navigating them that day.

Even though I did not make it into a hot air balloon, just being there was totally worth it. My biggest advice when attending this event is for sure to dress in layers. It is a bit cold that early in the morning in the area. You should also stay a couple of days for the festival if they can, at least one additional day to attend evening events, as well as explore other parts of Albuquerque.

After the balloon fiesta, I had plenty of time to kill before my Airbnb stay in Santa Fe, so I decided to drive the scenic route of Old Route 66 and the Turquoise Trail. The trail is a 50-mile drive along Highway 14 that encompasses small mining towns, authentic restaurants, and eccentric art communities. My first stop was in the city of Madrid. An older artsy community full of land art, small boutiques, and of course, turquoise jewelry. When visiting this town, be sure to stop at some of my favorite little shops:

Shugarman Little Chocolate Shop

Connie’s Photo Park

Ghost Town Trading Post

Jezebel Glass Studio and Sculpture Garden & Soda Fountain

Collaboration

Crystal Dragon

Next, I stopped at the tiny, almost ghost town of Cerrillos. Stop by the Casa Grande Trading Post Museum and Petting Zoo for low-priced raw turquoise and other jewels and gems, One of the last stops where you can find the unique gems for a really good deal before entering Santa Fe. Before departing the town of Cerrillos, I made my way to a saloon and bar with a modern take called Black Bird, a very modern restaurant compared to the others I had seen along the trail. I met the owner and indulged in a delicious Angus burger called the ‘Black Jack Ketchum’, topped with a gun-powder rub, gouda cheese, onion, cilantro, bandit sauce which was some smokey flavor that reminded me of almost a sloppy joe type of taste all served on a kaiser roll. The perfect meal to keep me moving on my way to Santa Fe.

The ride through the Turquoise trail was amazing. I was I had one of those Google cars so I could have had a video of the area around me. It was amazing! So much land art, random bits of it everywhere. If you have time, be sure to stop by the After a long day one, I decided to grab some fast-food grub and chill out the rest of the evening at my cozy Airbnb residence.

Day 2: Ojo and Santa Fe

Day two of my trip kicked off pretty early. I had a spa appointment North of Santa Fe. Before hitting the road I Yelped a spot to grab a quick breakfast burrito. I learned, unlike maybe Chicago’s brunch only burritos, that the compact version in New Mexico is an everyday “thing” there. I stopped at El Chile Toreado and grabbed a breakfast burrito full of mixed meats(polish sausage, chorizo, and bacon) along with potatoes, cheese, and peppers. It was simple and fantastic.

About an hour outside of Santa Fe is Ojo Caliente and it’s well known natural hot springs. The springs at Ojo Caliente feature the only hot springs in the world with four different types of mineral water. The spa waters range between 80 – 109 degrees and are sulfur free. Before diving into the enchanted waters, I first indulged in a lovely spa service. My services included a included a 50-minute Essence of Ojo Custom Massage, a Native American Blue Corn and Prickly Pear Salt Scrub, and reflexology foot therapy all performed by Chris, my therapist for the day. After my fantastic treatment, I made my way to the hot springs and spent the remainder of the afternoon soaking and savoring the majestic surrondings.

Before making my way into the city of Santa Fe, I took a brief detour to the Santa Fe Opera House. Unfortunately, it wasn’t open, but I managed to find a way in and peruse the grounds. The space is absolutely beautiful, I can only imagine what it would be like to attend a play or show here. Also, the views from the opera house on the lustrous hilltop neighborhood are awesome to take in as well.

I made my way back into to town to grab a quick nap and conduct my next moves for the evening. In New Mexico, the traditional and notorious eats contain chile peppers. They are literally everywhere you go. For dinner, I made my way to La Choza, a favorite among locals for its traditional New Mexican cuisine. For dinner at this colorful and casual eatery, I chose the combination plate, which contained a blue corn burrito, carne adovada, and chile relleno, served “Christmas style”( red and green chile). It came with side pinto beans, posole( hominy never had it, but it was great), lettuce and tomato with a side of Sopilla, a puffed bread that essential soaks up the heavy chile sauce. It can also be enjoyed plain or with honey as well. The summary of this dish was heavy and very, very spicy. If you don’t like spicey, get the chile sauce on the side.

During dinner and over a separate drink at a hotel, I had the pleasure of meeting two very interesting fellow travelers. One was a teacher from Indianapolis who used to live in the Chicago area, the other, a producer from L.A in town working on a film, who I met at the trendy LA Posada Hotel during a nightcap. It’s amazing the type of people you can meet over food and drinks when traveling solo. During our conversations, we talked family, creative careers, and of course, Chicago. A great way to conclude my second day in Santa Fe.

  Day 3: Santa Fe

My third day in New Mexico was spent seeking out the art scene in Santa Fe. The first stop was a tour of Museum Hill, a combination of five different museums. I made my way to three, International Folk Art, Museum of Indian Art and Culture, and The Wheelwright Museum of American Indian. Each offered its own unique aspect of history and relevance to the New Mexico area. My favorite out of all three had to be the International Folk Art Museum. It was definitely the most culturally mesmerizing and relatable space that I have ever been too! The museum featured everything from a special exhibition on Tramp Art to global Folk Art in all of its various forms.

After hopping to various museums, I made my way back into the center of town to check out some the iconic Canyon Road and its many galleries along with The Plaza. Canyon Road has 40+ galleries that feature both local and global artists. My favorite was the contemporary ones that featured distinctive and conversational pieces. Some of my favorites that are worth checking out are:

Intrigue Gallery

Corazon

Rockaway Opals 

Santa Kilm

Turner Carroll Gallery

Jim McLain

Mark White Fine Art

McCall Fine Art 

Canyon Road Contemporary 

Pippin Contemporary

Dark Bird Place

Poetic Threads

Robert Nichols Gallery

While along the Plaza, be sure to not only to check out the higher end shops for inspiration but definitely barter for handmade goods with local merchants who hang out outside of the shops at as well. Get a little dose of architecture by checking out the historical churches, Loretto Chapel( climb the staircase if you can I did not have a chance to) and the Cathedral Bascialla of St. Francis Assisi.

  I needed to refuel before making my way to Meow Wolf, so I had dinner in the neighborhood at a spot called tune-up cafe, recommended by my Airbnb host. Tune-up Cafe is a modern take on New Mexican style food. While there, I dined al fresco and watched the sunset on a truly beautiful day and took in my surroundings. The restaurant was full of young families and couples that were composed of a more hipster-ish crowd.

For dinner, I decided to try out their version of Chile Relleno. I had read the reviews beforehand and noticed and just had to try the El Salvadoran Pupusa as an appetizer. I went for the steak flank as a filler.This was my first time having the pupusa and it was fantastic. Light and flakey in taste with killer filling. The steak was well seasoned and contained just enough spice. My main dish of chile relleno was also very good. It was hearty but not too heavy. Very well seasoned and just enough to keep me full as I made my way to my next destination.

Meow Wolf was a completely unexpected experience. It is something that a person has to try out for themselves to get the full experience. It’s one of that artistic endeavors that is made for any and everyone to understand and participate in. No need for Master level analysis, its really about immersing yourself into the art itself. Be sure to check the events calendar for Meow Wolf, as they constantly have some form of live entertainment happening weekly. ��While I was there, I had the chance to vibe out with the locals and enjoy some West Coast Hip-Hop artists from around the area, such as Zion I, Wakeself, DJ Element, and Def-i, whose lyrics touched on everything from love and unity to racial injustice and Indigenous oppression.

It was by far my favorite part of the trip and a great way to end my last night in Santa Fe.

Many people questioned me about my trip to New Mexico. “Who goes there?” ” There won’t be any black people there” What’s there?” “You are going along.” All of these questions came to mind as well for me, as well as “who cares?” The whole point of traveling is to experience places you never knew existed. It was an escape from my current reality. It was a look into someone else’s reality. It was a taste of a reality that includes happiness and fulfillment, something that I am still seeking.

Getting to that point of living my best life takes some self-evaluation. During part one of my Southwest trip, I addressed some of the things I have lost sight of. One was realizing how important my independent is and how is. I’ve become attached to certain people I’ve met since living and Chicago and that attachment has made me very comfortable. Being comfortable has made me complacent, a little lazy, and stuck. No more of that. This trip also made me recognize how much I love planning and researching, and if I can do this for myself, I can do it in a career. It affirmed how easily it is for me to strike conversations with people and throw bashfulness to the wind. It reminded me that I cannot depend on other people to bring me happiness or fulfillment.

It reminded me that I have to continue on to my next journey, and not get distracted by dumb stuff. No matter how attractive it looks from a distance, I have to make it to my next stop.

  Albuquerque to Phoenix: Seven Days Seeking the Southwest Pt.1 Seven days in the Southwest solo. How can I describe my experience? Unexpected. Exhilarating. Fulfilling. There is so much to cover, so I am breaking down my time spent between the two different states and ten various cities that I visited in two parts.

[balarsen22]

Therapy 5/11

Talked about being done with school and my last final. She called wholeness center about how I had been considering taking pills, however I don't have a primary provider there at the moment so she left a message with Connie. I told her about Tuesday night and how bad I got when I was studying and noticed a pattern. She thinks that maybe I get like that due to that I feel my worth as a person is due to my performance. She asked if I noticed that black and white thinking anywhere else besides school- I think it's been coming up a lot for derby. I then brought up her calling me a coward. She did it on purpose. She said that there's a lot of times that she goes between the factitious bringing it out vs me being a coward. I said I know I'm a coward, in many aspects of my life, but in the past it has definitely been a mix. She said she doesn’t think I’m a coward in the rest of my life. I might be afraid all of the time and struggle with some things, but I'm still trying and still doing what I need to do. I feel like a coward. I said I'm not an idiot. I can see that I have a lot going for me in life and that there's people who care, but I don't want to keep living if it's going to be like this for the rest of my life. She asked if I saw her as a person, which I do. I have been more and more lately. She said that she'd be completely destroyed if I killed myself. I didn't really know how to respond. She said that there's a lot of times that she has been banking on it being factitious talking about wanting to kill myself, and that she takes a risk doing so. But she followed that up by saying that she doesn't think I would tell her if I was actually going to kill myself. Which is probably true. She said that she takes it as a good sign that I'm talking about it. Talked about her dog for a bit as a distraction, and that he has a lump. its most likely a lipoma, but I told her to take him in to get it looked at anyways since its hard to say without actually examining it. Then we talked about la Luna. She said that I have every right to be angry about it. that its like going into surgery to fix a broken leg, but coming out of it with an amputation. I still blame myself for it. If I wasn’t such an attention seeking little prat I wouldn’t have been in that situation. She said that things aren’t all on me though. That there are a lot of parties to blame, including herself. She said that the way La Luna ended things was extremely unprofessional, and I have every right to be angry. She also said that she made the mistake of allowing La Luna to take point in CO in communicating with the treatment teams. I don’t blame her, but it has made it harder to trust her opinion because she had also thought TK was really good, and referred me to la luna. Granted, everyhing at La Luna was helpful until I left for residential. IOP helped immensely, but then once I was gone and the way they handled me coming back was extremely unprofessional.  She asked if I would want to write them a letter, and read it out loud in session. Which is always good because I feel like it communicates my thoughts better, but I don't like reading out loud, or talk a lot. Mainly because I'm really aware that I fumble a lot when I talk and it makes me really self conscious, so I like to have time to prepare. I fucking rehearse the things I want to talk about in my head right up until the moment we start session so I don't have to struggle quite as much to find the words. It's really turning into a sensitive spot for me. She told me that it's all in my head, that o speak fine and she's never thought that I stumble over words a lot or anything like that. I also explained that when I get quiet like I do I know it's probably frustrating for her, but that's how I process. My Brian is going 100 mph and I can't formulate the words to speak it or words can't keep up, and sometimes I'm trying to figure out what to say or how to say it, and sometimes I'm trying to figure out if what I'm feeling is just my initial reaction or what I truly feel about something. She pokes fun at how I get quiet so much, but most of the time she gets annoyed when I say the first thing that pops into my head too. She thanked me for explaining, and said to just tell her I need a minute to process, because most of the time she thinks I'm being too stubborn to talk and she can't tell the difference. My homework is to write La Luna a letter. We talked briefly about Montana this weekend, she wished me luck (even though I'm not playing).

[balarsen22]

Therapy 4/13 through Therapy 4/14 (an insane 24 hours)

Thursday afternoon we started out talking about neurofeedback, and that I meet with Dr. Steve on Tuesday. She asked me how my appointment went with Connie, and told her how I fired her and everything that had happened in the appointment. Jessica wasn't thrilled about me being on ambien, but did agree that I needed some sleep, and this is temporary at least. She seemed disappointed that I didn't show her my cuts, but I told her that there was no way in hell I was going to show them to her, and that clearly I showed in the appointment that my current medical judgement was better than hers. And anyways, they’re all scabs anyways. She asked if I heard any more about possibly retaking the exam, and I told her how I’m not going to be allowed to and I scored a whopping 7/100 on it. I said that I figured out that I probably won't fail the course if I do well on my next exam and the final, I told her that I had a really rough night after I found out. When I left her office yesterday I still felt like shit, as the night went on got worse to the the point that I seriously considered checking myself into the hospital, and had I not been riding with shannon and megan down to Greeley for scrimmage. I told her that I didn't skate, but it kept me safe for the time being. I considered asking them to take me to the hospital, but by the time I got home I was a little better (and I realized that I’m not going to any hospital or treatment center unless someone makes me). She was really happy with the coping skills I had used once I got home, but took it badly otherwise. I mean, the fact that I cut and seriously considered suicide within 4 days of each other isn't a good sign. She’s worried, and I guess for good reason. She said she wanted to try tracking something, and had me list all of my meds. She was really surprised at the amount of stuff I’m on- I joked that I feel like an old person with my big pill boxes I use. She then had me rate my my anxiety over the last few weeks, which is usually around a 5. She asked me if I could ever remember a time that I wasn't anxious at all, and I realized its probably been since early middle school. or at least its averaged to about a 5, sometimes it spikes and I have panic attacks, currently about every other day or every 3 days. And she recorded the symptoms I have- racing heart, can't slow my thoughts, feel like I can't breathe. She asked the same questions for depression- over the last few weeks I rated depression around a 7, with symptoms including lack of motivation, feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, and suicidal ideation. I said how it also comes in waves, and she asked me how many times in the last week it hit a 10. Within the last week, it was 3 or 4 times. She was concerned about that too, because I take a lot of different meds. She said she was going to consult a doctor about it (someone other than Connie). She said that it would be good to have a doctor watch me for a few days with it, and asked me if I thought I should go to the hospital. I admitted that I might need it, but I have too much going on right now and I can’t. I said I wasn’t going to go unless someone made me. I can't just drop everything in my lfie, even though i know I probably need it. But I had admitted that one thing I told myself last night was that if it didn't get better, I could always do it the next night. She asked me if I could keep myself safe tonight, and I honestly couldn't answer. I knew I would be good until after scrimmage for derby, but after that I really don't know. I said I would like to think I would be, and I don't plan on doing anything right now and used a lot of coping skills the other night. She asked again if I thought I needed to go to the hospital again. I was quiet, and then finally admitted that one of the things that got me through wednesday night was the thought that I could always do it tomorrow night. After I said that, she told me that I needed to go to the hospital. That I could either go voluntarily, or that she would have the cops come. She had me call Megan to see if she would take me. She gave Megan her number to text her when we got to the hospital and where I was. And then it was time to go. Session had already gone 5 minutes over. She got up and spread her arms, and gave me a hug. She told me it was going to be okay. I left, and then turned around and knocked on her door and asked what I should do about school, about the fact that I have an exam tomorrow, and next week. She told me that that’s what case management is for, and that she already has a release with me for CSU signed and that she would contact them. And then I left.

On my way home I texted Megan to let her know I was leaving the office- she was already at my house and waiting. I got a text from my dad, saying that he heard I had a rough day on Wednesday with my anesthesia equipment exam, and that he’s thinking of me. And then I started freaking out. Especially about telling my parents that I was in the hospital on suicide watch...). I started thinking of all the things I had to get done this weekend, and school, and what I would tell my coaches, and the punchies team (that i’m a captain for), and work, and my professors. I texted Jessica to see if maybe if I could just stay with a friend tonight. I didn't get a reply. I got home and Megan was waiting, she looked so sad and worried. And she was really quiet, which is unlike her. I tried to slow my mind down enough to figure out what to pack. The last time I was at mountaincrest they didn't let me bring jake, but that was 4 years ago. I was thinking of everything i had at TK, but also that I probably couldn't have any strings on my clothes or shoelaces on my shoes, and trying to figure out what else I would and wouldn't be allowed to have. I was trying to figure out if I could bring Jake. I was trying to figure out what to do. I didn't want to go, but I was going to go. My head was racing as I tried to get some stuff together, and it took awhile. But eventually I got my stuff together enough to go. Megan started driving towards PVH, and I tried to get normal conversation going. We had barely gone 2 miles when Jessica called me back. She had been in session, which is why she hadn’t replied. She told me that if Megan was okay with it, I could spend the night there, but if I felt like I couldn't stay safe I needed to go to the hosptial. She told me she would see me at 3pm on friday- it wasn’t a question, I either was going to be there tomorrow at 3 or I was going to the hospital. So Megan turned around and brought me home, and I told her I would grab my shit and maybe eat some dinner, and I’d be over in about 20-30 minutes.

I walked in my room and cried for a little while, and then once I could control myself I threw my stuff in a bag and got my derby gear together. I ate a bowl of cereal really quick (I knew I wouldn't be able to handle much more than just that), and headed over to Megan’s. I tried to act normal, and we played bananagrams with Cam. It really brought me back to my time at TK and ERC, because that was what we always played. We left for the league meeting, and then had derby scrimmage after that. I skated, and was mostly there. I didn't feel like I played the greatest and was just completely mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. But I was told that I had some good moves while I was jamming, so that was cool. Hurt and I were joking on the sidelines when we were jamming for punchies about how we cringe when we go up against lines that had trick, and pounder, and mal, and ub, and boss, and all of them, and how they just kick our ass. Urrkin overheard us, and came over to remind us that we’ve been playing for under a year, and that it's a good sign because they’re having to actually work to contain us, so not to get too down on ourselves. So that was kinda cool. But I almost fouled out- I had 6 fouls (I would foul out at 7). Normally I skate pretty clean, so that was weird. I struggled a bit when we played our bruiser lines, because they just have me rotate through different positions. Which I like all of the positions except out, because that is definitely my weak side (especially after pulling that muscle in my right leg, I can't brace quite as well on it). I don't talk much and I’m not very good at being uplifting, but I’m trying really hard to give UB a lot of positive feedback- it seems like lately all she gets from other people and the coaches is what she did wrong, and I always can kinda see her deflate a little (although she puts on a good front). I told her that she’s doing great and that she communicates more than what the coaches realize on the track, and to try to not let it get to her- they are finding smaller nit-picky things because she does everything else so well and know that she can handle it. Most of the time people just tell me good job and leave it at that, probably because I’m still pretty new (I’ve been skating for almost 8 months now though!) After derby, punchie’s captains had to meet with the resolutions committee because Dead had an issue with us not making an exception for her not getting in all of her attendence hours to be eligible to play. I just wanted to leave. As I sat there, I realized exactly how quiet I really am in comparison to others in those situations.

Megan drove back to her place, and we checked in on the way home. I wasn't nearly in as bad of a place as I was last night, but was still struggling some. I explained some of the coping skills that I used. We dawdled a little bit before going to bed. I was tired, and I kept having intrusive thoughts of suicide, but was doing my best to use good coping skills. I had the realization that derby may be a more socially acceptable form of self harm for me (mainly because I somehow got velcro burns in my armpits and every time I moved my arms it stung, and helped with the self harm urges. I attempted to go to sleep on the couch, but was up for another hour or two. My mind got dark, but it helped a lot being at megan’s house. being there was my constant reminder of why I am not allowed to give in to the urges. Knowing what it would do to the people I love and care about is ultimately what is keeping me going right now. So I did some ab work (quietly), and progressive muscle relaxation, and deep breathing, and tried to distract myself on my phone. I eventually fell asleep around 2, but woke up around 4:30 and gave up on sleep around 5. Megan had wanted me to let her know when I was leaving, so I poked my head in their room like she had asked. Idk if she actually heard me, but Cameron acknowledged it. I went home and got ready for school, and then went to Path and studied for a few hours before the exam. It was an open note exam, but I only got 85% on it and it was pretty hard. Cardiology kinda sucks, and I couldn't focus. I’m just tired. I picked up my prescriptions over lunch, and worked hard to focus on the anesthesia lecture. I need to rock these next 2 exams if i’m going to pull off a B in the class (because the equipment exam really fucked my grade over). I skipped therio because I had to meet with Jessica at 3, even though I really ned to pay more attention in their because I need to do well on that exam too, or I’m going to end up with a C in the class...

Friday afternoon we talked about how last night went and what ended up happening since I saw her last, and how the exam went. She asked why I backed out of going to the hospital, and I told her all the things that were racing around in my head. I brought up how shitty I felt for putting Megan in that position, and she agreed with me that I can't do that to her again. She asked about the rest of the night, and I told her how I only got a few hours of sleep. I tried to tell her at first that I didn't have any suicidal thoughts, but she called me out on it. She said that she knows I’m afraid of having to go to the hospital, but she can't work with me if I lie to her. She asked me again and I told her the truth that yes, i did, but I used healthy coping skills and being at Megan’s house was my constant reminder of why I can't hurt myself. She asked me what my plan is from here, because I need more help than what she can give me. She feels like she’s just putting out fires every time that we meet, which has been the norm lately. We haven't gotten to do EMDR in a few weeks because of it. She told me that she thinks I need to go to residential. She even has a place picked out that she wants me to go- Sierra Tuscon (provided they take my insurance). I do not want to go. I don’t want to give up everything i have planned for the summer. She said that it would be different than TK, that I wouldn't be going for the eating disorder this time and would focus on the mood and depression instead. But I still am against going. She asked how I was feeling, which at that point I had gone numb. I was exhuasted. She asked why, and I explained that I usually feel nothing at all or everything at once. She said that maybe in here would be a good time to feel everything at once- I joked that I think she just wants to finally see me cry. She always asks what the face I had made was for, so when she made a face I asked her right back. I joke that 2 could play at that game. She said I could always ask her, and I laughed, because I don't ask many questions. She directed us back to the conversation said that something has to give though- it’s not ethical for her to keep treating me if I’m not getting better, or if I just keep getting worse. I said that I’m hoping that maybe if I can get some sleep, I will start to improve. I had just picked up my ambien (they didn't have it in yesterday), so maybe tonight I would actually sleep. I know from experience that when I get this sleep deprived everything else starts to fall apart. She said that if the ambien doesn’t work, that I’m a medical anomaly. We decided that we would give the ambien 2 weeks to work and see if that improves my mood at all. If it doesn't, we would reevaluate, and I would have to go to residential. If it helps some, we will find an IOP. I would prefer an IOP, at least that way I don't have to give up my entire life I have planned for the summer. She asked what would happen if school found out about all of this stuff. I mean, if I go to school for 9 months and residential for 3 months out of the year, or if they caught wind of all the stuff I’ve been doing outside of school. She said they would see me as a liability, and could kick me out. I don’t want to think of that. They won’t find out what’s going on outside of school unless I’m hospitalized or unless I tell someone, so there’s that. She lightened up the conversation for a moment by asking me who she was going to have staring contests with when I leave in a few years? She always comments about how I almost never blink. Most sessions I stare her down, trying to figure out what she  She then told me to get out my phone, and that I was going to call my mom. I told her I couldn't. How do you tell the people that gave you life, that raised you, that you want to die? She said that either I could in here, or I could do it outside of session, but if I chose to do it outside of session that she would have to call too, just to make sure that I actually did. I talked about how my mom gets this voice though, when she’s worried or has bad news, and it tears me apart. She said I could text them instead, but I said that mom would still call with that worried voice. She said that they would rather be updated and know that we are working on it and have a plan, rather than be blindsided like they were last year with residential. She said she knows it's hard for me to keep them in the loop because I have always worked so hard to keep them out of the loop for this type of stuff, but they have the right to know. That receiving this sort of information is better than receiving a text that their child is dead. I said there’s no way they would be informed via text, but she said that a lot of times if parents are out of state they may hear through the grapevine. That made me think of the time I yelled at my mom for not telling me that grandma had broken her arm, and I found out when Carrie posted a picture of them together on facebook. I took out my phone, and she helped me write the text (she said how she’d explain it, and I made it my own). I ended up texting them “I just want to let you know that I've been pretty depressed and sleep deprived lately, and I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts this last week. I've been seeing Jessica daily and we have a safety plan in place. I have been prescribed a new sleeping medication and we're hoping that once I get some decent sleep I will bounce back, but if not we are considering hospitalization and higher levels of treatment again. I'd rather not talk about it, but I'm safe and I just wanted to let you know.” I showed her that it sent (and sent to mom and dad). I told her that my mom was going to call, she didn't think so, and for me to stop shooting daggers at her through my eyes. She asked about my plans for the rest of the night and the weekend: I told her I had to take off of work to meet with her, so I was going to drop off my meds at Megan’s, and then go home and hopefully mow the lawn because my yard is a forest, and try to go to bed early. I have a punchies bout saturday night, but otherwise I’m going to study for my anesthesia exam on tuesday because I need to ace the next 2. My dad had texted me back while we were talking, and my mom a few minutes later. Jessica was happy with what they said, and that she was right that my mom hadn’t called me. I told her to just wait, and then my phone started ringing. I said I told her so. My mom just wanted to see if there was anything she could do, but there’s nothing my parents can do right now.  She asked me to ask jessica if there was anything she could do, and Jessica agreed that there wasnt anything they could do right now, but if she thought of anything she would let her know. My phone was loud enough that Jessica could hear the conversation with my mom too (it’s really quiet in her office most of the time). I asked her if she heard the voice, and she said that she loves my mom’s voice, that it’s so sweet. I asked her if she would think the same thing if her mom used that type of voice with her, and she acknowledged that she would feel the same thing. We ran out of time. I won't see her until Tuesday, but she made me promise that if the thoughts got bad again I would go to the hospital. It’s the last thing in the world I want to do, but I agreed.