#anyway... I'll try to keep the depression to a minimum

[medicinemane]

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[overwhelmed-overweight]

Hi, I'm Ella (she/they 25F).

Time for an official pinned post.

I'm a pansexual vegan feminist who wants to change the world. My dream is to start my own nonprofit organization and devote my life to fighting for a happier society and a healthier planet. This dream keeps me going and sometimes even keeps me up at night. It means so much to me and I want to chase it with all my heart, but I know I need to change myself before I change anything else.

I can't yet decide if this is going to be a recovery blog or not. Maybe someday I'll be more certain. I think I'm just trying to ground myself before anything else.

I'm not low-cal yet, I'm just trying to get control over my binges. I used to restrict to around 500-800 so maybe I can get back there someday, but BED management comes first.

Self-Rules

Drink 1 gallon of water daily

Green tea or lemon-ginger tea with every meal

1,500 calorie limit

25g fiber, absolute minimum

No eating before 8am or after 8pm

Trigger Warnings

Addiction: weed, shrooms, alcohol (previously ketamine and xanax too)

Mental Health: depression, anxiety, ADHD

ED struggles (BED with restrictive cycles)

Do Not Interact

Anyone under the age of 18-- I don't want you to find my blog inspiring or appealing in anyway. I know what it's like to be a teenager on this side of Tumblr, and I don't want to condone it for anyone, particularly minors. Even though I may post about my grand ambitions, there's so much more bad than good here right now. I won't report you, but I will block you.

Bigots-- no homophobia, transphobia, racism, sexism, TERFs, misogynists, religious zealots, or malicious carnism will be tolerated.

[kimberlyannharts]

So I may have been slightly hyped for this book the past few months

For the three of you who haven't heard about this, MMPR: The Return is a story set in the future of an alternate universe of the MMPRs; one where Jason, Zack, and Trini didn't give up their powers upon the eve of the Peace Conference, and thus the team stayed together even after high school. But fast forward twenty-two years later, and the team has broken up due to some sort of tragedy - we know from the Re-Imagine prologue in the 30 Year Anniversary book, Zordon and Alpha were destroyed by Zedd and Rita. But other stuff seems to have happened too. What is that stuff? I guess we're about to find out!

Oh, and I should mention this was written by the original Pink Ranger herself, Amy Jo Johnson. (and her partner, Matt Hotson.) That might be important to know.

It's Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Return #1!

= Three pages in and Jason's already getting his ass kicked. You're forty-five years old, man, you should be at the club

= I know this was debated a bit when the book was announced - how it would line up with Thuy and JDF's passings, especially after coming off the heels of Once and Always, where the focal point was Trini's daughter taking up her powers after Trini's death. (For what it's worth, this book was first conceived pre-pandemic, long before OaA. Making comics takes a long time.) And while Tommy is still a bit up in the air (despite what we'll see in a few pages) Trini does seem to have definitively passed due to illness.

While I definitely get the frustration of Thuy's passing essentially sealing Trini's fate - especially in a comic book, where you don't have to worry about actor restrictions - I'm a little more generous towards it here because Amy and Thuy were close friends and she actually dealt with her death personally compared to how the OaA writers, well......didn't. And this issue is clearly paralleling Kimberly's motivations and feelings to Amy's real-life ones, so this just feels like another part of that.

(Also to contrast OaA's handling of Trini - a) her passing here isn't caused by a graphic onscreen explosion, proving the whole "well they HAD to show it onscreen for more impact!!!" was bullshit b) her friends AND THE WIDER COMMUNITY are actually grieving and talking about her impact on everyone as well as using the non-actor-restriction to SHOW it and c) The book actually gives her a JOB. TWO jobs!!!!!!! Yeah OaA why the fuck did you send ZACK to Congress WHEN IT CLEARLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN TRINI

also I like her middle-aged design. prettyyyyyy)

= onto lighter topics HEYYYY IT'S THESE GUYS!! Bulk and Skull are married and you just can't see the ring through Bulk's gloves, it's real and true

= speaking of which this whole flashback is adorable and nostalgic but I want to point out some background details

= Ernie is just trying to run a fucking business here

= go white boy go

= ZACK/KIM HAS FINALLY COME BACK TO ME MY FUCKING BELOVEDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God, when WAS the last time they actually talked one-on-one in the main series

= FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

= so along with some other stuff I'm definitely taking this as foreshadowing that Trini wasn't cut off from Kim like the boys were. That's the power of WOMEN (and also if we get Aunt Trini flashbacks with Olivia I'll fucking CRYYYYYY)

= Absolutely obsessed with Billy's face here

= D:

= So besides the Trini stuff I want to the keep the Once and Always comparisons to a minimum but it's very funny how both storylines involve Billy using a company as a front for his embezzlement schemes. At least his telecom company PROBABLY isn't war profiteering

= also Alpha's rose <3

= so anyway Jason's gone rogue and was pretending he's the main character until he suddenly went missing, as shown in the first few pages. And Billy and Zack want to become Rangers again to try and find him.

= but the thing is guys, Kim has won the idgaf war. She's depressed, she's traumatized, she spent twenty-two years raising a child with Tommy's genes all by herself, she's tired. She does NOT want to be wrapped up in Jason's midlife crisis drama

= Zack getting so mad and wanting to risk it all for Jason hell yeah those are my Jason/Zack crumbs

= Mysterious shadowy figure watching the old people drama from a distance, you are just like me fr

= OLIVIA THAT'S FUCKING OLIVIAAAAAAAAAAAA and she already sounds so CUTE. If you go back to the diner scene you can see the phone constantly buzzing until Kim finally puts it away. She's like mom. mom. mom. MOM

= also just because the tragic Tomberly family storyline already makes me want to kms do you think that ring is kind of small and plain because Tommy and Kim were so young when they got married and it's all Tommy could afford. And Kim still wears it to this day. I want to die

= It's already been confirmed that Selena is indeed referring to Sylvia here, so I won't talk about that. What I DO want to talk about is Kim's casual momwear. Those sweatpants!!!!!!!!!!

= It would be really funny if Kim just. immediately slammed the door shut

[cowedeakamatsu]

Ahem Ahem. Welcome everyone to yet another cowede peptalk about themselves cos... lets face it i have an issue. (part 3)

So! like i said my mental health got a bit better, my libido is back motherfuckers, theorically all should be way better! Welllll my libido did came back... but a biiiiiit too strong. As in insanely too strong, and it came back with a looooot of frustration build up, and a overflowed ego that I feel like I have to flex or else i'll re-despair over self confidence and go back to being dark cowede (and big shotout once again to the "close to cowede gang" @plaindanganplain and stoopid name cos during those 2 months i was half depressed half flirty over everything, and complained cooooonstantly. and now ? i'm half flirty half a total bitch, which is probably just as hard to deal with but the thing is im the fucking best so i dont care~) and with that frustration, came frustration conscerning this whole shebang of 1 person vs multiple (harem) once again, @makoto-naegi-stud-and-friends @plaindangan and even the good @carnyreborn if they have good memory know its a thing i always tried, because while im absolutely NOT into the whole alpha thing, i have a strong kink for feeling loved, and... look X aint the only person I had to do multiple person for even though i fucking HATE IT (heck even in my first RPS (without the erotic) back in da good ol days, i found myself planning those monster hunter type / scooby doo esque quests about solving a mystery then tracking what will be a good fun creative stuff to fight (it wasnt dnd, we didnt even really had rules, just a setup universe all our character evolved in, it was on skype and factually ive never been happier) and I had to develop all those side characters and keep track of everything only for a KEY ELEMENT given to 2 other players not being disponible because while the quest was going on those 2 decided to NOT play their part and literaly go in a private room to erp instead ? and for those who say "yeah but thats what a gm does" know i wasnt a gm. I helped create the plot and all but there was no real gm just a bunch of people co writting a cool fun story half stolen on kingdom hearts character because i'm a fucking fanboy. ) and this kinda stuff happened on repeat for other a year. and when i got into erp ? a gooood chunk of them was for absolute assholes who asked the world and gave minimum effort. So anyway i kinda became allergic to doing multiple chars, i hate it, when im super horny im down for anything, but even this i have NO FUN doing at all. BUT since i did sooooo many I developed a desire to be "the center" of those harems. and i already asked all of the affordmention goats to try one erp harem style with a character of my choice (no surprise if it was very often shuichi, kokichi sometime) annnnd well none of them really worked. for carny it was a time and disponibility issue. for plain, well it did kinda work but i ended up overcomplicating things and then I felt bad for it so i sabotaged it, and with the last one well, i jumped to an episodic 1 V 1 formula, cos since the plain accident i feel easily bad for overworking people. back on our subject : X. so what happens is, im back in the game, after 2 month of not responding to our last rp i respond, i try to make my answer fit all their kink especially cos, its at that point a 1 on 1. aaaand they say afterward that they dont want to continue it. OK im in the cowede isnt depressed anymore mood, so its annoying and frustrating cause i know that in Z point in time youll guilt trip me into making another new thing that will be even mooooore focus on X's because they dont want to continue our older stuff but dont want to create a new one but dont want to not have a harem. So i decide "ill just be like "ok" and will come back later. (part final comming soon)

[alas9]

✨ 📖 ✏️ studyblr masterpost jam ✏️ 📖 ✨ Day #5 as an independent game designer maybe?

Today is about study tips! And I think you won't like mine, hehe but I'll give them anyway.

Create the environment for studying

My first one is to set the environment you study at, to make it more conducive to do so!

Our brain does not like friction, since it was forged in a time of total sedentary lifestyle. Animals in nature only expend energy to flee/fight a predator, search for food, and reproduce. All other energy costs represent enormous friction for us. When creating a habit we must lower the friction to the minimum, to the point where we can repeat the task day after day without it bothering us, and gradually increase the demands. If you don't have a study habit, don't try to lock yourself up for an entire afternoon until you understand basic concepts of whatever. Try watching one video, then two, then 5, then spend an hour on a tiny project. Think tiny, well your first project should be smaller than that. The 1% everyday rule.

Adopt an aesthetic that you can maintain over time

I don't want to discourage the flirty fairies of studyblr, I love following beautiful studyblrs and people who romanticize their lives, but I'd love to say to you to don't make your own honeypot that diverts you away from your goals.

I know it sounds super idiotic to say it, but for many people, it is important to romanticize their life as a way to reduce the friction in their tasks. Aesthetic is in everyting and some of us like to have control over it. Part of it is maintaining a blog, a bullet journal, etc. I don't think it's a bad practice, since falling in love with your lifestyle is something healthy and not an obstacle. Romanticizing student life can be trap that we all may fall into sooner or later. In the first years when I decided to be self-taught (before that I went to art school for 5 years before dropping out, missing a year to graduate) and started investing my time in learning programming, I wasted a lot of time trying to accommodate every minimum detail to make it enjoyable. I loved going to art school because it was a very sensorial and aesthetic experience, and I wanted to bring a little of that experience to my new life in programming. My first notebooks were unsustainable, my blogs too, I never managed to finish a bullet journal, my Notion had the most beautiful and impractical templates ever seen by humankind, and I spent more time maintaining those things than actually studying. I had an intermediate hiatus, driven by having started working in programming, and I returned to studying in a much more practical and clean way, with fewer worries and clear goals. Reaching your goals is also a vibe lol

Do excercise and invest in a good chair (or a good desk)

I know this sounds random and I have no advice to give. In fact, I think this is my best advice. I have a protrusion on my spine, I have another coworker who has 2, and a coworker with 3 (the latter is working full remote because she can't tolerate sitting in the office). Office and study life is extremely sedentary, and even worse if you do both at the same time. I used to be a girl who did ballet, gymnastics and basketball, until I moved to study and almost at the same time I started working. The anxiety of stillness made me addicted to snacks. I have gained considerably weight since then and my physical disposition after 10 years is no longer the same. I have colleagues who go to the gym just to physically support this lifestyle. You need a lot of strength and endurance to avoid falling into depression and other physical illnesses, such as obesity, bulges, or back pain. Sitting for so many hours can shorten your leg muscles and twist your spine. The sooner you dedicate yourself to your physical health, the further you can go. Sometimes you just can't study or challenge yourself more because your body doesn't allow it. Besides that, eat well and drink water.

Get an ergonomic chair that keeps your spine aligned, or some of those desks that allow you to work standing up, they are excellent investments.

---

Information about programming is everywhere all over the surface of the web, there is little to honestly talk about it. That's why I think it was more valuable to talk about the consequences of living this lifestyle for so long. I hope it helps someone.

[basedkikuenjoyer]

I do wanna circle back to a big root, Oda's history as a Rurouni Kenshin assistant is a huge thing to keep in mind with Kiku's role in all this. She's such a huge, blatant callback to both the iconic protagonist and Oda's own contribution. But an evolution of both. Really one of the coolest things about Kiku. A much more mature trans narrative than Kamatari who wasn't bad to begin with, and for Himura...to me the big one is that Kiku's not a stupid pacifist. It's one of the things I love about her and a fun nudge with being so ladylike; it's not some grandiose oath she always keeps. Kiku's just by nature sweet & gentle but practical. She'll use the minimum necessary force.

The other one to me though is this. I'll try to keep it vague enough it's not a huge Kenshin spoiler because I don't want to delve too deep about the reasons anyways. The point is that a core part of Himura Kenshin's emotional journey involves this "Fallen Village." Much like Okobore Town, these lawless slums aren't uncommon, they're drawing from history, but this is not some minor moment and it's echoed in how Kiku's story begins. The difference in tone is the key here:

For Kenshin, it's his lowest point. The fallen village is depressing, save for its Yasu-type geezer. Locking his sword away and just sitting there, Himura completely loses himself in visions of hell and self loathing. Kiku? She puts her sword aside because she didn't really need it. Okobore is one of the places we see her at her happiest. That's her story structure, it's a bad place but liberating. You're an adult now, it benefits you to just blend in as a normal girl for a while, and you're enjoying it. Not avoiding duty, she snaps to it the second it's time, but your time in the slums feels more like a bright spot.

It's a cool contrast. Kenshin lost himself in the slums, Kiku found herself in the same environment. A flower thriving in the desolation.

[nozoroomie]

Bit of a personal ramble since sometimes, you just gotta do one. tws will be in the tags

I have had a very long 2023 so far. I was put on medical leave at the end of February due to my job situation changing in the company I'm employed at, as well as not acknowledging/ taking care of my grief from losing Meredith. I'm on a list to get a psych evaluation but it's quite a long waiting list in my area, so I might not see someone for a while yet. I've been off of work since March, but have been actively trying to find a new job/ new field to work in while also taking care of myself and my mental health.

Grief is... it's just consuming. It comes out of no where and its overwhelming. It makes me feel alienated from my friends and family, even more so because of the preexisting anxiety and depression. I'm trying my best to stay social with people, do things that would make me happy, but I disassociate a lot. I sometimes feel like I'm just kinda looking in and that I just don't.. I dunno, fit? I get anxious about what to do and say in conversation that there's nothing to overthink about. I feel scared that I'm too depressed to hangout with friends and like I'll ruin it just being there. I don't know what to talk about without being scared I'll make people uncomfortable if I start mentioning anything that brings me into talk of emotions or feelings. I get exhausted thinking about crying. I know it's healthier to feel feelings and express them, but I'm tired of it sapping all my energy for the day afterward. I'm tired of my roommate checking in with me and then saying "Same shit, different day" and him just having to hear me vent about the same thing. My medication helps me do the things I need to function, like eating, getting up, taking care of my animals, but when it comes to actually dealing with all of this I feel like I just can't navigate it. Anyway, all this to say even after all this time, I go back to work in a couple weeks and I'm just not ready for it, especially since I hate this new position and there's literally nothing I can do about it. I applied for almost 40 jobs on my leave and only had one interview that I didn't get a call back for. I got certified to work as a budtender since earlier this year there were literally dozens of budtender positions, and if I had the cash at the moment I'd be doing my smart serve as well, but god. No calls back from anything but one place. It's ridiculous, especially with people complaining nobody wants to work (aka the excuse all the business owners use when people want a living wage and not bare minimum wage.) And that's that for job hunting. I'm hoping one day I can at least find passion for things again and get back into a creative habit, but until then I'm just going to keep trying to navigate these murky waters one day at a time.

[eddiediaaz]

you know what? i think being unemployed/on EI benefits for a few months during winter (starting in early december), while things go back to normal in the vfx world, is not the end of the world. in fact, i think i'm gonna try to see it as a break that i need and i'll try to make the most of it.

just some rambling incoming lol i feel like writing in a journal. used to do that more on my previous account but here i think it's a first

i am frustrated that i have no control over my career, as it currently hangs in the hands of a few millionnaires in the states (mine and thousands of people, i know). i'm frustrated that i had only started finally putting money aside for projects after cclearing my credit debt. i'm frustrated i've "lost/wasted" my summer doing overtime.

but. but i've also never had a work or school break for longer than 3 weeks since i've been like 15. half my entire life i've spent going to school full time and working part time and during the school breaks, and then to working full time without any kind of break. i never had a long nice vacation. the only break i've had was in 2021 i went 3 weeks on medical leave due to my depression and i couldn't afford to take more time off, so i went back to work against the doctor's recommendations. i know it's like that for a lot of people lol, it's a regular thing to work all the time, especially in north america's tiring work culture, but still. so it's... nice? to think about being unemployed for a few months. i'm trying to see it in a positive light.

i think it'll be nice to have a few months to myself and not having to work. i'm incredibly privileged and grateful that my current salary is good enough to give me comfortableish benefits while on EI. which is another insane thing to even think about?? and rather new too, i've only had this salary for less than 2 years and it's the only reason i was able to clear my credit debt quicker than expected. it's not even that much money but as someone who grew up pretty poor and has always been living paycheck to paycheck, it feels insane that i can be on EI and still be able to pay my bills comfortably, you know?

anyway. i think i'm okay with it. frustrated that i have to press pause on my life projects, again, but thankful that at least i won't have to, like, get the first minimum wage job that comes just to pay my bills (not sure minimum wage could cover that lol). i've been there before, having to get whatever job to make it one month to the other, multiple times, and i'm thankful that, at least, it's happening while i'm in a better financial position. and by better financial position i just mean that i only have a portion of my college debt to pay back, no other kind of debt. i don't have any kind of savings or placements or whatever "regular adults" have tho.

one thing i am scared of is boredom. what the fuck am i gonna do for 3 to 5 months without working full time lol??? like. i've never been there!!! and i don't even have a car to like, go places! i'm already thinking of where i could go volunteer in the city, of cheap projects i could do in my apartments and stuff like that. i'll stir crazy after the first month i think, not gonna lie. or maybe i'll just play the sims a lot

ultimately, i need to keep in mind this will most likely only be temporary. my employer said they wanna keep in touch with me for when things go back to normal, so i am hopeful that, at least, i may have a job to go back to? of course i definitely am losing this job in december, but there is hope i can get hired again at that place. because i do love this company and i was proud to have made it there.

[potentialautist]

Woke up late today, much like most days.

I feel a sort of constant anxiety lately. I was supposed to start applying for jobs but was having issues with my phone number. After telling my mom I wouldn't want to move in with her (long story, very crappy family history, and so on), she snapped, threatening to disconnect my phone service. Which is fine, I don't care much about that. After a couple of days, she apologized, but I told her I would like her to disconnect my service anyway since she's already threatened to do it twice, and I have zero tolerance for drama. I found out it's on a contract plan or something, and she's having trouble with disconnecting it. Anyway, my dad, who I live with, offered to let me use the sim card from his phone for work since he rarely uses it. I'll have to change the number on my resume, but that's okay.

On to what's ACTUALLY stressing me out though. Applying for jobs... my father and I were going to go for a walk last week to check out places where I could get an application. But then the drama with my mom happened, and my plans have been dragged out to the point where I feel very unenthusiastic about doing anything.

I keep thinking about what will happen once I can actually get an interview... I'm not diagnosed with autism but I certainly do suspect that I am on the spectrum and I don't think I can mask for an interview. I also don't think very highly of myself and don't know how I can be a convincing candidate for employment.

If I do manage to land a job in spite of my lack of social skills, I worry that I'll burn out quickly. My first job was 2 years ago after I finished high-school and I was only able to last 2 months before completely burning out. I worked as a chambermaid for a small motel. I spent a year trying to recover from burnout but I feel as though I've only become even more burned out.

Then, as I was starting to get back on track around this time last year, I decided to try a new anti depressant but it sent me into a psychosis. I spent several months in a complete delirium and I'm still very hard on myself now that I've finally recovered. I feel completely out of energy, but I want to move forward with my life. I want to be able to make enough money to move out of my dad's, get my license and get a car.

But I worry that I won't be able to accomplish those things.

It probably wouldn't kill me to be more optimistic about job hunting, but I truly don't know how to feel that way. The worst part is that I want a job, and I want to be able to have a relatively average social life. I can picture myself with the average minimum wage job and be happy, but I can't help but assume I'll burn out too fast by putting too much energy into masking.

But what if it's totally safe to be my authentic self? What if I'll be fine?

Last week, I was explaining to my counselor that I feel anxious all the time, but I don't really even know if it's regular anxiety. I'd describe it more as being overstimulated constantly, mixed with being anxious? I don't know. He told me to write about things every time I feel anxious, but I don't think I really understand what I'm supposed to do. Also, I haven't been able to identify any anxious moments this week as I've been hermitting indoors all week.

I don't really know how to help myself, but I hope that I can improve on myself this year nonetheless.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary296

7/11/24

thursday

have eaten ice cream. feeling depressed.

not about eating ice cream. just because i freaking cut my hair today and i think i cut the sides too short and it makes me sad like really sad like my hair was pretty now the sides are too short i think and i just hate my face but i think it frames my face a little better or something or i don't even know i'm just sad because i think i am making myself uglier and uglier or maybe i am just getting really ugly now, suddenly. i can't think that way or else i will jsut go and hurt myself . but i don't feel good. i feel really stupid. i make my bangs too wide i think is one thing. i could just let the sides grow out a little longer i think. but i am stupid. i am stupiddddddd. i hate my face and panic like an animal in quick sand and cut cut cut until i feel better but then i look and feel worse and i know or think i know no one would really even see a difference. i am just so stupid it hurts myself. it hurts to be inside myself.

so i am just sitting here listening to katie dey's flood network feeling very stupid and tired already at 8 pm.

i sent the email to the cassette guy with the j-card stuff + the wavs all labeled and everything. hope he sees that and is like "cool" and then i'll be like "cool."

anyways. i dunno what else to say. i cooked today and that was nice, and my gf was watching joe biden fall apart on her computer, and i asked about the future, and she said if it gets bad she will hide me away. i really love her, i wish i were not something that might impede her life in any way. does my presence in her life make it less easy for her to be normal, does being not normal make her life harder?

i guess that's how that works, by definition.

i am also upset today because i did cut my bangs they aren't too short i think it's just the sides went too high i guess. i should have tried to just keep it a little bit um more of an oval thing, more pronounced i guess. i hate that i can't feel okay about myself longer than a day i hate feeling ugly all the time i can't take it anymore sometimes or that's how i feel. it's really hard.

maybe the final piece of beauty being labor is that, like much labor, it's final piece which consummates or completes it, makes it true, is the faith essentially in its completion or its end. this isn't to say anyone needs to feel that for it to be complete, but the notion is that as one labors and suffers, one puts stock into what makes that suffering occur in the first place. there is a point. feeling pretty, at the end of all the labor, this is a final piece which creates prettiness, maybe the most important part, the faith is the most important function in that most terrible labor where one's self esteem is abandoned in favor of... i dunno... being image, maybe. but i was always image. so i dunno.

it makes me want to cry too much to think about. but my lack of faith in myself or its impossibility, the final part of being pretty is believing you are, i can't, but also, there's some kind of freedom in this. i know that my desire is one which hurts me. i just can't give it up. i wonder if cutting my hair is just something i do instead of cutting my arms.

just putting this here to break up the misery.

tomorrow i think i need to at a minimum work out 5 minutes of music for the short film, ideally, maybe 10 minutes. i kind of want the song to be continuous. though idk. i guess that might not work. i should just try 5-10 minutes in aggregate for the scenes i have been given. then maybe try and figure some lyrics out for stuff so i can work out new song-y songs to release for whatever is next.

i am tired and truthfully for some reason i want to wake up and have tomorrow be today and that none of this happened. i don't know why but since a kid i've felt that very much, a very regular feeling/wish.

anyway,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[glossyrup]

ghost

230814

i am trying to ride my wave of emotions these past couple of weeks. i will always associate me feeling like shit with whether i am about to have my period but i don't want to normalize that mindset. if i am sad and i feel things, so be it. yes it's probably enhanced by my pms but at the end of the day, the underlying sadness and depression is a close friend. i am trying to understand what causes me to feel this way. deep down i know part of it it's because of that significant other that i wish for but could not have. i can't help but to think - dear god, wouldn't it be easier for me if he would just have feelings for me as i have for him? will i feel better about my life in general? will the hole in my heart is filled? will i feel complete? will i feel content? will i be able to get braver to face the world and my fears? will i be able to feel comforted and safe just because i have someone to talk to on the things that worry me? or it is only meant for me to deal with life in entirety by myself? why do i sometimes feel sad after my every interactions with him? he's like a ghost to me, i can reach out to him but he's not really there. why do i feel that i yearn for him when he's only doing the absolute bare minimum? he's a friend and i always love his company. i love when i can ask for his advice. i love to be vulnerable with him and share my worries with him. and when he did the same thing to me, i don't feel burdened as i want to be there for him through every ups and downs. at least that's how i know i feel about him. do i love him? or do i not know him enough to love him? i care for him. but on what basis? he's not sweet. he's not charming with me. but i like him anyway. he's kind in his own way. thoughtful in his own way. he's very mature and smart and i always admire the way he thinks. he works hard. very hard. all he thinks about is working and i feel like i've already understand that part of him and i'll be okay about it. he can be annoying and confrontational at times, hard to read sometimes, complicated, multi-layered, and still that only intrigues me even more. everytime i spend a good hour talking to him, i always want more of him in my life. i want to know what he's up to. does he feel happy today. what made him frustrated today. did he skipped lunch today and have coffee instead? did his colleagues made him laugh today? did he called his parents to check on them? what keeps him awake at night? what is his comfort movie? does he look up to see the moon? does he like the sound of waves crashing? what's his favourite colour (i think it's green)? so much about him i want to get to know more of. but i feel like i can't. i feel like i miss him, but again on what basis? why do i feel this way? why can't i let him go when there's nothing to begin with?

[ifeelsoemptysometimes]

I have a gynecology appointment and I'm terrified out of my mind. Just thinking about it makes me feel my anxiety in my throat and tear well up in my eyes. Maybe I've just thought about it too much but im just. So afraid. I told my grandma how I've had a pelvic exam as a kid and I'm pretty sure I was left traumatized from that bc what else explains my strong aversion amd fear?? She looked sorry for me but of course wasn't able to say much to me. She told mu aunt and she said I was just embarrassed and nervous. Nut I knwo those feel like, and sure I do feel those things its normal to fee like that but I also feel such a deep and strong fear. Panic attack level fear. That's not embarrassment or nervousness. Of course I understand that she of all people wouldn't have really understood so I didn't take it to heart. It's not like she knows me anyways. I also told my mom and she also didn't know what to say and told me so. It felt nice to be honest. She didn't just brush me off as if im being crazy. Bare minimum I suppose. But yea. She said that she wanted me to do it in the States but idk how much it's gonna cost me there. It's only gonna be 800 pesos here which is about,, 60 bucks? So it's literally do obvious. And my cousin is gonna go with me instead. I cant help but worry tho. I'm afraid that I'll have a panic attack and that I'll be called crazy. I tend to shut down-ish, depending the situation, and if im conscious, I'll try to calm down but it seems that if someone tries to touch me I'll freak out and start screaming. It's kinda harrowing imo. Not to mention the draining of energy that happens afterwards. I'm afraid that they'll think im fucking crazy or some shit. That's even more embarrassing in itself. I'm also afraid that I'll spiral bc of it, fall into some sort of depression... I know im just catastrophizing but I can't help it. I'm so terrified that I could vomit. No one i I talk to understands how I feel and it's so distressing. I need to keep talking about it till someone understands. I need someone to understand my fear and not just think im being exaggerated or a crybaby. This being said... I hate how it makes me wish Donnie could just hold me and tell me I'll be okay. For him to hold my hand and just confort me. I'm so pathetic. But hey that's how I cope I guess. It feels like thats they only thing that could relieve me. Ugh. So stupid. So yea. I'm just... not well. I suppose I'll update myself on here tomorrow. How knows maybe it won't be as bad as I feel it will be. Maybe im just my chronic anxiety talking. Maybe. Well see.

[diaryoftheunidropout]

DAY 133

I think it's day 133. Or at least around that number. Maybe it's actually day 132 or 134. I don't know and I'm sorry I forgot. Anyway, it's the 15th of July, and day 1 was March 3rd 2023. I never understood why Tumblr didn't show when something had been posted. It just stays really vague like "x months ago". Maybe I just haven't figured out Tumblr yet, that's highly possible.

I had to go back on antidepressants a couple days ago, on the 12th of July. It was a really hard decision to make because I was really hoping I could hold on until after I came back from my US trip to see my favorite band, but I had to face the truth: I wasn't going to be able to hold on this long. It's a bit disappointing to think a year ago I was slowly coming off antidepressants, looking forward to starting university in Paris, and today I'm just this depressed, anxious mess, absolutely petrified whenever she thinks of her future, a future where she'll probably end up working 8 hours a day just to earn the minimum wage in some shitty supermarket. And I know I'm capable of so much more than that. Or at least would be capable of so much more than that if I wasn't so ill.

I was so mortified at the thought of dropping out because it had just never been part of my plan, whatever the plan was. I always imagined I would have a normal life when I was a child. But what's a "normal life", really? I guess maybe I thought I'd grow up to be this cis, straight, happy woman, eventually finding a nice man and getting married. I thought I'd do long studies that I'd love and find a job that pays well and would make my parents and grandparents proud of me. I thought I'd have my dad til he would die of old age. And I thought I'd always be a feminine girl, never overweight anymore, with long hair, and no tattoos. And I am none of that, and will never be any of that. Not that it's necessarily a bad thing. But when I lost my dad, it's like my whole plan vanished because he had somehow always been part of the plan despite me knowing he was sick. And I knew I wasn't going able to follow my plan with such an important part of it being gone forever. Suddenly it's like I had no plan anymore. I just lost myself completely and fucked up and I know I'm turning out like two of my online friends who are a little older than me. I absolutely love them but I know they're unhappy, and they go to work because they just don't have the financial means or mental stability to study. I am the same.

I think most days I just hold on thanks to Alice. It's stupid but I have so much admiration for them, and they reply to me so often, and it keeps my heart warm. It's completely delusional to think this, but sometimes I wonder if we aren't meant to be more than strangers online. I wonder if I'm not meant to become an author, and she'd become, like, a friend and a mentor to me, because I am so young and she once was an author of my age as well. I have other delusions, like "oh it's fine, I'll just win the lottery soon" but I know that mentality only pushes me to gamble more and more, and for someone who has the most terrible spending habits, that's just very meh, and possibly dangerous.

Anyway, less philosophical thinking, more actual life updates.

I'm trying to finish preparing my US trip to see my favorite band but I find it incredibly difficult considering I fell into a terrible depressive episode about a week ago. I'm not even sure what triggered it. Maybe the loneliness? I may not have realized but since I knew my godmother wasn't going to be here for 3 weeks and my mom was mostly MIA because she was spending so much time with a friend, I might have been lonely. Not necessarily felt lonely, just been. Thankfully I have a friend who often comes to Paris and we spend a lot of time together. Like we spent the last two days at this massive convention, cosplaying our favorite characters. It did me a lot of good honestly, because for once I wasn't thinking about the future or all the stress from going to the US on my own.

For the depressive episode, I think what might have started to trigger it was after my godmother and I went to London Pride to see the cast of Heartstopper. It was this crazy, last minute decision and it was worth every penny we paid for it, and the shock of going back home after all of that might have been to much. Another triggering factor, and really what sent me spiraling completely to the point where I had to take meds was my mom. Couple days ago I was on the phone with her and she tells me about her friend whom she spends a lot of time with. And then I say I'm not feeling well because I'm so scared I won't find a job in September. And then she basically says, not as directly but that's what she was implying "oh, no worries, when you can't live in Paris anymore because you've gone completely broke and haven't found a job, you won't even have to live with me, my friend said he'd give you his apartment to live in". And when she uttered those last few words I was so angry, so out of my mind that I just screamed "I don't need some good knight to save me" at her. And I'm afraid that caused her to stop wanting to see that friend, and now she's isolating herself, walking 25km a day and living on salad and water one day, and everything she can eat the next. When she's not in a bulimia crisis she's in an anorexic one and the worst part is, she sees anorexia as a victory compared to bulimia and I don't know how to tell her that it's gotten too bad for her not to check herself into a mental hospital for her own good because she is just never going to get better on her own.

Life's fucking rough. I still have good things to look forward to. Season 2 of two of my absolute favorite shows!! And then seing my favorite band (although that implied a lot of stressful travelling)!!

Man I just wish I could sleep through everything except for the good moments.

Ps: the camping car trip I mentioned in Day 93 was overall quite bad. I was super sick with extremely high fever for almost half the trip and couldn't even stand up for more than 20 seconds. I had genuinely never been this sick in my life and I was getting pretty much zero compassion from my family. When I got home I went to the premiere of a movie based on one of my favorite series and it was a really good experience although I was still sick at the time. I went home for a while, saw my doctor who said it wasn't much, got better on my own, and that's about it.

[greenorangevioletgrass]

WAIT I HAVE MORE.

This one was more something I thought of for myself but...I can share

So...muslim!reader lives with the Avengers right bc that's cool and awesome and the team needs a lil more rep so..anyway

Eid's coming around, but like...I mean reader doesn't have anyone to celebrate with right bc surprise surprise she doesn't have a family outside of the Avengers

So it's kind of depressing. I mean I remember during the beginning of COVID when we couldn't go out, and we couldn't celebrate Eid properly, I was SO DEPRESSED

Anyway, she's like mm whatever its fine i wont bring it up bc...why would the Avengers want to celebrate with her??? But Mr. Parker finds out right.

And he's just ISDUH WHY DIDNT YOU TELL US?? And he goes around to Tony and he's like mR.STARK Y/N HAS A HOLIDAY COMING UP AND I WAS THINKING MAYBE WE CAN CELEBRATE WITH HER BECAUSE SHE DOESNT HAVE ANYONE TO CELEBRATE WITH AND ITS SAD IF SHE MISSES IT ANd Tony's like... yeah why not?? And rounds up everyone else and it's so cute and sweet and y/n 10000% cries a bit because the feeling of acceptance and the fact that they just want her to feel happy ig is too much?? Ah. Ah ah ah. I ALSO like the think that with like...fasting and stuff, the entire team likes to TRY and help out. Keep the swearing at a minimum, same with the inappropriate language, try to make things a little bit easier. Because...yes. And Peter organizes the ENTIRE thing because he is the sweetest thing on this planet and I just

ahh I'll go away now

my god i really miss 2012 avengers era where we pretty much agreed that everyone lived in the tower and everything is fine and dandy and hawkeye lives in the vent 😭😭

but yeah my goddd! i also love the idea of peter parker being jewish, and maybe yom kippur falls in the middle of ramadan and they have a day where they both fast and the team holds a huge meal at the end of it <333333

i love love love this don't go!!!

[festeringneondistraction]

I want to write poetry again but its just not happening!

Lately I've been so in my head. So many feelings and worries, its just real mental illness hours so in other words: I'm going through it. I've been journaling and posting and that's all fine and good but usually I can take those base thoughts and flesh them out into poetry! I'm very creatively frustrated right now because I have the urge to create but I just... cant. I try!! I definitely try and its not that I'm being a perfectionist about it at least not consciously. I firmly believe in making not-good art just for the sake of art. Bad art is amazing! But its just lots of stress intrusive thoughts then just TV static. The combination of extreme near constant anxiety, and brain fog.

Just to clarify somethings I'm at a very difficult season of my life right now for a lot of reason. I'm also a bit of an neurological alphabet soup (multiple diagnosis) so this is what I'm dealing with. Side note self-diagnosis is valid and you can kindly leave my blog if you think its not :). I'm just clarifying what doctors have told me and what else might be going on. Also I realize some of these are so co-morbid that its a bit redundant but I'm just listing it anyway.

CONFRIMED: Autism, depression, PTSD, ADHD, Social Anxiety/general anxiety, dyspraxia (also called developmental coordination disorder), dermatillomania, and a nice history of self-harm.

COMPLICATED: Chronic migraine (I do get migraines fairly consistently with aura I've had doctors acknowledge my migraines but no official diagnosis yet) mysophobia, ARFID (its extreme obvious for me that I have very real and severe food issues, I've just never talked to a doctor), dyslexia and dyscalculia. I was pretty much treated for both and struggled in those areas significantly. Just never put on paper to my knowledge.

SUSPECTED: OCD, maybe all of this is just CPTSD? who knows.

What im trying to say is there is a lot to unpack in my brain. For anyone who actually read this far thank you i love you id love to talk :)! But really who knows what's causing what sometimes. And when you struggle with brain fog and poor introspection??? What am I even supposed to do.

Id also like to mention im a daily weed smoker. I try not to smoke all day I try and wait till (weirdly enough) 4:20 is actually a great time of day to start lol. But seriously i at bare minimum wait till 420 I usually try to go a little longer.

Weed is one of the only thing that helps with the anxiety. As I am reading all this back and my landry list of diagnosis is right in front of me.... WOW im a high anxiety person. and there's shit I didn't even mention. It all really loops back to Autism and Anxiety. Its to the point where ill go to a friends house.. im feeling anxious but excited and I think im masking well. Then after like two minutes of talking to me my friend will almost always say "Shade you need more weed." Like damn is it that bad. People find it hard to talk to me sometimes because im so high anxiety these days. It used to be that I could talk to anyone and make them feel comfortable. I might be freaking out the whole time but It used to be that I was so good at masking my anxiety and autism people wouldn't notice.

Also hi! My name is Shade and yes its my actual legal name. This rant about poetry turned into like a mental illness recap and informal intro. If my blog gets even the tiniest bit of attention i'll do a proper more light hearted intro. Just really speaks to the ADHD I guess. I have so much more to say but if I let myself keep typing it will become a compulsion and I wont stop for hours so Im done now :)

[scarluxia]

Let's talk about some Adventures I had in Phoenix, AZ in 2015. It came up in my FB Memories and even though I determined to let everything from last decade go, this one still rankles. I got "in trouble" with these people for being open about my experiences on my Facebook because, even though I hadn't mentioned names, they didn't like me "putting their business out there".

CW for ableism, depression, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and I'll try to put all that in the tags.

My partner, Loki (yes real name), and I had been urban camping in Portland, OR for about a month. It had gotten cold and rainy to the point where we couldn't safely stay living outdoors, and Loki's father (who didn't approve of me) had demanded he come back to California and live with Loki's uncle. He made it quite clear I was not welcome, so I ended up going to Arizona because I had a friend who was willing to put me up. She and I had known each other since 2008 and I figured I would be safe with her. At the time, Loki was much more easily influenced by what his family wanted, and we ended up having kind of a nasty set of conversations over whether he was abandoning me.

While in Portland, my wallet had been stolen so I had no ID or SS card. I had reported it stolen of course, but had received no response until I was leaving Arizona.

My friend in Arizona had two young sons, a husband, and a boyfriend. Now, I have some sensory issues that make it so I have a hard time being around children. High pitched noises hurt me to my bones, like, even now I have to leave the room if my son gets overly excited and starts shrieking.

I was sleeping on the couch in the living room, which was where the kids would go when they woke up and where the TVs and entertainment consoles were.

Anyway, they wanted me to contribute to the household and whatnot but I was severely depressed and I think I've provided all the context I can remember? If the rest of this doesn't make sense, please know that there was a part 1 but it came up in my Memories on a different day and i didn't think I would be rehashing it.

So I couldn't do work, couldn't do anything anyone had asked me to do to satisfaction because various things that did not, in fact, depend on me. Maybe I wasn't being enough of a ~team player~, I don't know. But anyway, I did my best with what I had. Sometimes, because of THE EXTREME FUCKING SENSORY ISSUES THAT COME WITH AUTISM, I would get overwhelmed by the kids screaming. Two little boys, barely school age, and their parents sat them in front of a TV and gave them controllers. That's it. They had toys in their room, sure, but they weren't getting outside. I suggested taking them out a couple times, but firstly, I didn't know the area and wasn't about to go out alone, and secondly, I can't split in half and I'm not in good shape, so even if I had known the area, I wouldn't have taken TWO small children outside to run around where they could run out of the designated area. I'm kind of anal that way, I guess. But Woman A (mum) and Man B ("uncle") never got off their arses to help me take them outside, and Man A was at work.

Oh, yes, parental interaction with the kids. Woman A loved her sons very much. But at their age (3 and 5), they both should have been toilet trained. They should have gotten at least two hours outside every day. They threw fits when they weren't allowed to play video games because, instead of games being a special treat that was earned with good behavior, they were toys carelessly tossed at the kids to keep them out of everyone's hair. Conversely, and bizarrely, reading to them WAS a special treat. The father woke up, played games, basically brushed off his kids, and went to work. Same when he got home for lunch, and he *ordered* us to have them in bed by the time he got home for good. The mum did somewhat interact with them, but mostly just wanted them out of her hair. I wasn't so nice because I'm not good with kids in general and also loud screeching HURTS, IT HURTS IT HURTS MAKE IT STOP. (Same with snoring, or any noise made when I want to sleep.) This isn't me being a ~diva~, it is an actual manifestation of a mental disability.

Woman A was of the opinion that "everyone who lives in a house with kids automatically becomes a coparent", maybe because she wasn't willing to actually parent her kids herself.

Note from the future: I still disagree with the idea that "anyone who lives in a house with kids is automatically a co-parent". Parent your own kids. I don't expect my dad to parent my son when we go visit him and he made it quite clear when I was pregnant that he would not take on a co-parenting role (because his wives 30-50 years ago had handled the babies and he doesn't really know how to calm them down beyond entertaining them)

She got a really bitchy look on her face whenever I (who have been around children, especially TROUBLED children, all my life) made any sort of suggestion. Well sorry, lady, but it's not like you're doing such a great job with them. Y'all act like you barely want anything to do with them. Like they're cute and little and fun to snuggle, but actually teaching them anything? Forget about it, just toss em a controller and hope they don't kill each other in the game or real life. Meanwhile, they have no outlet for their natural physical energy, no real outlet for their curiosity. They're going to grow up stupid and sedentary, with "no one paid attention to me during childhood except when it was convenient for THEM" to deal with. The older kid recently got on meds for a condition that, from what I observed, was likely much more nurture than nature. And what everyone ate, my God, those kids were the only non-overweight people in the house, and it's little wonder! I bought ACTUAL NUTRITIONAL food for everyone, and the adults look at me like I'm from some demon dimension. I made a light comment about how I'd never eaten anything like what they had growing up. You know, boxed potatoes, veggies out of a can, white bread, sugary peanut butter. And Woman A was like, "well YOU don't have kids."

Um, no, but my father did.

I have a kid now, am working part time at min. wage because my boss sees my performance as so-so (plus she's been forced to give me a raise every time the County of Where I Live raises the minimum), in a single-income household, on as much Family With Kids welfare as My County will allow, and I still wouldn't feed my kid that crap LOL

Spoiler alert: they made me use all my food stamps on their household and then kicked me out later that month so... When I bought food I bought HEALTHY food, like, I've been on food stamps my entire life... Also, WIC specifically pays for WHEAT bread, fruits & veggies, and they do let you get peanut butter without sugar so idk what was going on there with them.

My father was a SINGLE PARENT raising a daughter in America after 20 years of living in Europe and raising kids with his previous wives. Well, up until the divorces, anyway. I was the only kid he ever got to keep. He told me things about how the others had been raised compared to how I was raised, and I saw the outcomes of different parenting styles in my peers as well. My father was a very poor man whose trade had been outsourced and who struggled to support us for years. And yet, we never went hungry, and he never fed me boxed potatoes. Never fed me sugary peanut butter, white bread, or veggies out of a can.

Ok I understand canned veggies are better than no veggies, and not everyone can get fresh, but you CAN get frozen in AZ. I always had fresh or frozen growing up.

It wasn't because we were living in the lap of luxury. It's because...

HE FUCKING VALUED OUR HEALTH OVER CONVENIENT, CRAPPY, NUTRIENT-FREE FOOD!!!! This is not a difficult concept. He ALSO read to me every night, despite having what I now realise was a very grueling day at work just to put said healthy food on the table. I didn't get to watch TV or play computer games (edu-tainment, the only kind I was allowed) until after all my homework was done. I can't remember if I was a particularly active child, but I'm sure I had the OPTION!!!! TO GO OUT.

Meanwhile, when I was at various stages of my life, I met kids whose parents shunted them from guardian to guardian because they didn't want to deal with them, kids whose parents were kind and supportive but rubbish at enforcing discipline, kids whose parents were abusive in every kind of way, and kids whose parents did their best.

You know, I wasn't raised perfectly. My upbringing lacked social grace and included some toxic ideas about womanhood that I've only been learning to overcome recently in my adulthood. But DON'T FUCKING ACT LIKE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT RAISING KIDS JUST BECAUSE I DON'T CURRENTLY HAVE ANY. I have my own life, the lives of my peers, and a wonderful online community of new parents raising children in kind and socially aware ways, to draw inspiration from. I can go to any one of them, and to my own parents, and ask "hey does X seem weird to you?" And they'll give me their honest opinion, which *is valuable*. I have even mapped out a general idea of how to get through some parts of my children's lives, and I'm not even planning to have kids for at least another few years. I mean, honestly, it used to be "I don't want kids ever", but dear gosh, if I can have any part of raising someone in a manner that defies procrastination culture, entitlement culture, and everything wrong with the way my husband and I were raised, maybe it wouldn't be a complete horror. If I can ensure that not all hope for the next generation is lost, hey.

Anyway, I've gone off topic...

I also had some issues with the men. Man B just didn't seem to like anything ever. I had no idea what Woman A saw in him. I remember one time he tried to tell me, a Christian, that I can't tell people what a "real Christian" is because it ~invalidates their identity~. Excuse me, no. It doesn't work that way. There are things that Christ taught, and anyone who blatantly goes against them IN THE NAME OF CHRISTIANITY, IS NOT A REAL CHRISTIAN. And yes, I realise this entire rant has been very judgey and technically I'm not supposed to do that either, but it's not like I'm saying they're going to Hell. Just that their kids are going to be sluggish and stupid, and I can't understand how these people have the gumption to try to lecture anyone else about life when they're not even TRYING to get their own lives together.

Yeah so they tried to lecture me about how I was "letting" Loki mistreat me and how I cared more about "socializing" with my estranged husband (I have separation anxiety) than helping around the house e_e They also implied I used depression as an excuse to be lazy.

Man B was supposedly "super employable." Well, okay, even though his "job hunt" seemed to consist more of sitting around playing video games, he was larger than my father (who is 6 ft tall with a protruding gut and weighs 240 lbs at last count) (My father and I are both 60 lbs above our ideal weights. But we're working on it!), and never seemed to get past the phone-screening process.

Now, Woman A told me that Man B was looking for work and that her family and some friends looked down on him for being a freeloader. Probably because she was anxious about me thinking the same. But here's the thing: I wouldn't have cared. Honestly. If you want to sit around playing games all day in your married girlfriend's apartment with her and her husband playing video games all day, go right ahead. If you want to bake three potatoes at a time and take them back to your room for a snack, hey, more power to you. But don't piss out the window and call it rain.

I don't care how employable you are, where you live, who you're living with, or what your lifestyle is like. It doesn't affect me in any way. But don't act like you're doing something you're not just to appease someone's judgmental family. That doesn't ever end well.

Now, see, I clearly have a problem with people who do that. I don't hide many aspects of myself, though I will refuse to answer a question if I feel it's none of someone's business or if they're just asking it to be a judgmental asshole. I refuse to compromise myself or my safe space to accommodate someone who can't make peace with who they are. Hell, you know me! You know my show!

Wait, this is Tumblr, so you might not know my show. It's a YouTube storyboard dedicated to processing and mocking some spiritual and psychological abuse I've undergone in my life. On Facebook, it was one of the things I was known for at the time because I was constantly posting clips and art, and trying to recruit voice actors.

I sell anyone out who I catch lying to me about anything! That's nothing new! And these people knew that about me. For SEVEN. FUCKING. YEARS.

So anyway. Woman A has a lot of great short term goals but no actual follow through because "I'm just not in the mood right now." No judgment there. I've totally been there. The only problem is when it gets ME in trouble.

"Let's walk the dog." "I'm not in the mood." Okay, then the dog doesn't get walked because I can't figure out my way around the place alone.

"Let's do the dishes." Woman A doesn't let me know when the washer stopped. Okay. Then the rest of the dishes don't get washed.

"Let's take the kids outside." "No I'm too tired." Okay, then they're going to be RUNNING AROUND THE APARTMENT SCREAMING WHICH MY EARS CANNOT FUCKING HANDLE so bye I'm just gonna borrow your room and isolate myself for a bit.

"Let's go to the gym!" "Maybe later." But later never comes.

Do you see where I'm going here? As for the men, they BOTH complain that they're "doing too much" around the house. Okay, probably fair for Man A, who works full time and deserves to come home to a clean house. But Man B. Wtf. You literally do nothing, except when you do, and when you do, we're meant to throw you a parade? That's not how adulthood works, or so I've heard.

Note: All three of these people are older than me. I was 24? at the time, fresh out of trade school, on my own for the first time in my life. (Maybe 2nd? I ran away when I was 17 but ended up with my grandparents so idk if that counts.) Woman A was 26 at the time and had been married since 2008, had experience with office work and parenthood, etc. Both men were older than her. I was a chronological adult with the life experience of a teenager, so I felt comfortable saying that.

So did I mention that I'm sleeping in the living room during this stay? And the adults don't go to bed until like 2 AM, which means, because of my disability, wherein I cannot sleep if there's any sort of non-ambient noise, *I* don't get to sleep until AFTER 2 AM. And the kids? They come in the living room screaming at 6 AM. Yep. Okay. Living on 4 hours of sleep, for the mathematically challenged. That and dealing with the emotional turmoil of being separated from my husband when I've got high separation anxiety in the first place. All my pain, everything, it's up to 11. and I'm supposed to contribute but there's not really anything that allows me to contribute.

So what do they do? They ambush me. Call a "family meeting" to tell me absolutely everything that's wrong with me, after WEEKS of telling me what a big help I am and how grateful they are to have me around. Tell me I'm letting my "social life" get in the way of me helping around the house. Hmm. Social life. You mean, VENTING IN MY SAFE SPACE (Facebook, no names named) AND TRYING TO MEND THINGS WITH MY HUSBAND??????????????? Okay. Well since you guys treat your woman like shit, you clearly don't understand or appreciate devotion to one's spouse. Seriously. Woman A told me she used to have extreme separation anxiety with Man A, and that he would brush off her emotions as irrelevant. Her solution was to make it a poly relationship and take a lover WHO TREATS HER THE EXACT SAME WAY. I'm serious. She got no emotional support from either of them. They basically just threw pills at her and trained her to lie down until her feelings went away.

And she had the gall to lecture me (24 at the time) about how Loki (19 at the time & from a pretty horrific family) treated me. LOL ok. Log. Splinter.

As she knew, I'm monogamous. I do have some opinions on polyamoury based on individuals I've gotten to know who are in those types of relationships, but those opinions are irrelevant to this series of rants. Except one, which is pertinent: if you're going to take another lover, they should provide something that your existing lover(s) don't. If you're suffering from low emotional support and you just find someone else who doesn't emotionally support you and who treats you like a child who can't be trusted??? What are you even DOING? Like, she told me NEITHER of her men trust her judgment. What the fuck is a relationship without trust? And don't even try "dick too bomb" as an excuse when you tell me you haven't gotten laid in months and your husband is using your condoms on Woman B.

They don't support you. They don't trust you. And yet YOU'RE telling ME that things with my husband won't get better unless I follow your lead and take another lover? HELL TO THE NO. My husband has his faults, but if I tell him Person X can be trusted, he believes me.

Except for his ex-girlfriend whom he tried to add to our relationship when he tried to be poly, months later. That went Badly.

Or maybe he just knows I'll deal with them myself, with my hot, hot temper, if they turn out not to be trustworthy. He also doesn't treat me LIKE A CHILD. And while I sometimes point at things and make small motions when I can't physically talk, or sometimes even use baby talk when I'm feeling cutesy, I DON'T POINT AT A PIECE OF PAPER AND GO "THE CARRRRRR!!!!" IN AN INCREASINGLY HIGHER PITCH BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY, "Honey, I think we missed the car payment this month. Can you double check while the agent has you on hold, please?"

Okay, being a dick about losing words due to stress was not my finest moment, but at the time, I was just so appalled by how they treated her and how she allowed them to treat me.

So basically these adults who are nowhere near having their lives together, and aren't even really trying, put me on blast for not having everything running perfectly when THEY expected it to.

Let's reiterate. I couldn't get a job because I had no ID or social security card. I was waiting for them to be returned to me. I couldn't walk the kids or the dog, go to the gym, or complete all the household chores because no one would guide me. I need that guidance because of various components of my disability, which I really hate admitting to because I'm super fucking prideful, but I figured hey, she's not neurotypical either. These people will understand.

Their response when I brought this up? "You're an adult. You should know better." Sure, okay. But you should know that a child ought to be potty trained before he turns 5, or even 3; that kids need to run around, are entitled to their parents' attention and consistent discipline, and need!!! healthy!!!! food!!!!

Oh, discipline! So, she would send Older Boy to his room over misbehaving. But rather than enforce time-out, she'd go, "oh, I think I'm being too haaaard on him," and just... Relinquish. He's not about to learn anything that way, ma'am.

They called me trying to reconnect with the person I love more than almost anyone on this earth "obsessing over your social life". Well again, you treat your woman like shit, so MAYBE my undying devotion to the person I love goes a LITTLE bit over your head.

They told me that the household should be my first priority. Except no, because I am an autonomous person and my FIRST PRIORITY is, was, and ever has been the love of my life, whomever that may be at the time. That is 70% of my personality. I'm pretty sure anyone who had ever met me can vouch for my extreme devotion, and this woman had known me for SEVEN. YEARS. I'm not going to throw away 70% of myself to do an impossible task that no one will help me with.

They told me a lot of things I wasn't doing right, and for those of you who also struggle with anxiety and depression, you know that being told for weeks that everything is okay and you're so great and so helpful, and then being told that you're rubbish at everything... You know that that is hurtful. Devastating, even. I wanted to kill myself. I said that. I said that and expressed my feelings about some other things, in my safe space, without naming any names.

And even though I was posting in my safe space, I was polite about it. I was as gentle and rational as possible. I wasn't calling anyone out. Not like I am now. I wasn't trying to lead a witch hunt. I was just overwhelmed and trying to express my feelings. Trying to get myself not to kill myself. I had to tell myself over and over again that it's not what Loki would want for me.

In the morning, they woke me up and kicked me out. Said it was rude for me to say I don't care about their household. I never, NEVER said that. I said "Loki is my first priority." Something along the lines of "that's just how I am and I shouldn't be vilified for it." That doesn't mean I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. IT JUST MEANS THAT MY PRIORITIES WILL *NEVER* BE WHAT SOMEONE ELSE WANTS THEM TO BE. I AM A PERSON. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO DECIDE WHAT TO PRIORITISE, AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!

I MEAN, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. MY NAME IS *SIGYN*. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU IGNORANT ASSHOLES EXPECT?! WHY THE HELL SHOULD YOU HAVE FELT THREATENED BY ME SAYING ANYTHING IF I DIDN'T NAME NAMES AND WAS ACTUALLY RATIONAL? IF YOU SAW THIS, *MAYBE* YOU WOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE PISSY, BUT NOT THEN!

They kicked me out after having asked me to buy them all food. I had used up all my food stamps. Because I hadn't anticipated this at all. I hadn't known they would take such offence to my existence, to my ways. To the fact that I value the man I married more than I value... Whatever they wanted me to value, I guess.

Fun fact: I ended up in a women's shelter after this, and one woman told me to actually kill myself because she was tired of hearing me cry at night.

They said I hadn't made any effort to get my life on track. Because I can just snap my fingers and make my ID appear. Because I can just manifest the money for a replacement. They said all these things that left me almost unable to breathe, in retaliation for me posting that I was suicidal.

Later, Woman A told me that this had been a long time coming and that they were trying to make room for Woman B and Woman C, both of whom were willing to have sex with the men, which is something that I would not. I feel the first woman I met at the shelter was accurate when she said they basically kicked me out because I wouldn't sleep with them.

I also later found out that my ID and SS card had been returned to sender. The Portland PD called me and told me. So my father came to the conclusion that the people I had been staying with sabotaged me from the start. For a while, I didn't feel it, but last night I dreamed about it, and the dream made me angry. I didn't deserve to be treated that way. And I really had to get all this off my chest, so for those of you who didn't immediately whip out your tiny violins, thank you.