#anyway. very vulnerable on main today ig

[ajournalingtrex]

“we mothers stand still so our daughters can look back to see how far they’ve come.”

since i’m starting my senior year, my mother handed me the scattering of writings and pictures she’d written sporadically in a baby book until i was 4 years old.

(apparently when i was one, i called them by their first names just like i do now. some things never change.)

i looked at my mother for a long time on this first page: it was the only picture i’d ever seen of her pregnant with me. she seemed so happy, and that was almost what broke me.

the wish for my life that my mother had written for me nearly 18 years ago was that she wanted me to be healthy. that no matter where i went and what i did, that i would pick myself back up again when i fell. that she wanted me to always remember how much my family loved me. above all, she had written that she wanted me to be happy.

that entire book drips with so much love, it doesn’t go a single page without saying it. calls me a bright girl. advanced for her age. so smiley. always happy and glowing. a fast talker. a faster walker. their beautiful baby girl.

just an hour before, my mother had told me that she didn’t think i was turning out to be a good person.

my mother has broken my heart many a time. i could count instance after instance, scene after scene like i was living in some terrible drama. everybody knows it and nobody wants to talk about it. and neither do i; do you honestly think i want to make my parents my personality as much as i have?

i don’t really have to, anyway. those who have issues with their parents wear it like a dog tag, like an underage flier with their ticket strapped to their chest. i have issues written across their back in place of a kick me sign.

i keep wanting this heartbreak to happen for the last time. for all the fights at 16 about depression to be it. for the screamed rant at 12 about how i wasn’t lonely and i was being dramatic to be the one. for all the times in my childhood where i’ve ever sought my dad’s arms instead of my mother’s to be the tipping point.

i want to stop caring; because jesus, i know i don’t exactly love her, but it’s not an indifference towards her words. it hurts, still. she’s still my mother. my mom. i called her momma at one point.

i want to brush it off.

but it is not so simple. it will take a long time and a lot of work for me and her if i ever wanted to love her again, much less love her in the way that she loves me. and yet knowing all she’s been through in her life, i can work to hold her in a kindness that i know she will never hold for me. a holistic understanding, rather than picking and choosing what i want to understand.

yet that hope is dangerous. and i am reminded of it every day when i find that small child in my heart curled into a ball at my feet. discarded and weeping.

i remember when i pick her up and set her on my hip, wiping the choppy bangs out of her eyes and pressing a kiss to her forehead. holding her gently as she curls into me and sobs.

i’m just as lost as her.

because in every single thing i have done every day of my life—every achievement, every failure, every action, every movement, every relationship, every word—i have pleaded i want my mommy.

and today she finally told me that if i’m not a carbon copy of her, she does not want me back.

that if i am not their beautiful baby girl, if i am instead just their baby, they aren’t interested.

the dejection and sorrow you feel from knowing that the people who are supposed to love you the most in all the world don’t like who you want to be is unimaginable.

[perhapsthanatos]

10:32 pm with yuta ♡

nct’s yuta x fem!reader (got inspired by a dream of mine & found the idea really cute)

alternate title: be the james dean to my audrey hepburn

genre: fluff. a pinch of angst. non idol au. badboy!yuta au.

word count: 1400~

playlist: chinatown by wild nothing, lover’s rock by tv girl & work this time by king gizzard and the lizard wizard.

warnings: featuring johnny (not a warning though). smoking cigarettes. cursing. lowercase intended. not proofread.

a/n: hi i was supposed to post a vampire!haechan fic but i really wasnt happy w it in general :( the plot or overall idea of the fic was really good, but i just felt as if i didnt do it justice so here we are :( but ngl, i kind of like this concept more? maybe bc i can see it more vividly? idk, i feel like my writings r getting repetitive & its getting on my nerves lmaoo this is getting long im sorry do u guys even read this part anyway? i would also like to apologize abt the amount of projecting im doing lmao ive been having some rough days & i love my sister but hate being compared to her so often so this is a way for me to rant abt it ig? also so sorry its coming out a little later bc i woke up late today (& procrastinated for the rest of it so here i am posting really late at night) & decided to go to the convenience store to get ice cream (& a ton of other bad shit pls dont do this its rlly unhealthy) for breakfast bc i can :) any who, enjoy lovelies <3

“oh my, y/n! you’ve grown up so well! just like your sister!”

“oh! i’m sorry i’ve almost mistaken you for your sister! y/n is your name, correct?”

“y/n, darling, you are looking so dashing! you really do resemble your sister, don’t you?”

“ah, you must be y/n! i’ve heard all about you and your sister from your father!”

you swear that your reddening cheeks are threatening to fall off any moment now from all the fake smiling. the hundreds of superficial compliments, the insincere flattery and the need for these people to constantly compare you to your godforsaken sister makes you feel even weaker than you are. it gets harder and harder to keep up with a big persona that isn’t at all you. as lucky as you are to live such a lavish lifestyle, you can’t help but hate how your family has to be so perfect. you hate how you have never fit in with them, even if you are so good at faking it. you hate how you have always been stuck in your sister’s shadow, constantly haunted with the reminder that you yourself aren’t good enough. you hate how you now have to entertain the rich and brainless guests at your parent’s gala because she’s gone for some stupid prodigy competition and everyone is only talking about her in front of your face. so what if she’s better the better sister? you still have the right to earn respect, right?

you’re exhausted from all the small talk. your facade gets more brittle by the second under all the pressure. your body feels as if it's gonna give out due to your brain shutting down after all that interacting. you try to keep on going with the night as it unravels itself by being the perfectly poised poster child, trying to make your parents proud. but alive yet almost completely devoid, you decide enough was enough. what if you left right now? no one would notice, would they?

after pulling up your phone discreetly to send a few text messages, you pass through lots of people dressed in gold and finery in a way that wouldn’t have you noticed right away. keep your head down and don’t you dare make eye contact with anyone. nearing the end of the room, grabbing the first glass of whatever alcohol you see and downing it in one gulp, you start walking away as quickly as possible from the ballroom. “ignorant privileged fucks,” you angrily whisper to no one in particular, setting the now empty glass on whatever surface and begin to head to the main exit where no one could spot you running away.

“and what do you think you’re doing here, miss?”

a voice interrupts you, looking up you see that it is your father’s head butler; johnny. he is dressed in a simple black suit that makes him appear taller than he is. his long brown hair is slicked back and his bowtie seems brand new. you have known the man since he started working in your household less than ten years back. you were a reckless child, often trying to find ways to sneak out, finding a way to escape from this life and he sympathized with you. after all, he could barely imagine living your life, never catching a break for yourself and always pretending to be someone you weren’t. he often helped planning when you would sneak out into the night, scheduling things like what time you should leave and what time you should be back, more specifically a time when no one would notice. he would take care of your form of transportation and have your location on at all times, just to be extra safe. as much as he wants you to have fun and have a bit of freedom, he still worries that something might happen to you. because of all this, you two have grown to have a very strong bond. you could confidently say that he is most definitely a parental figure in your life since your parents (and even your sister) are often overseas for work.

“what do you think i’m doing? you think i wanna be in a room with those half-baked bipeds? fuck no!”

“i know, i was just joking. you looked like you were about to explode in there, i wish i could help.” he laughs, pulling out his phone preparing what you might need. “so what will it be for today? the driver? we just need to pay him to keep his mouth shut. a taxi? it’s cheaper than paying the driver, but you still need to pay… not like that’s a problem for you though. maybe an uber would be good enough—“

“actually, i got myself covered. thanks.”

his jaw slightly drops and his eyebrows furrow. he looks straight at you in shock. “what do you mean you got yourself covered?”

you look down at your feet, a nervous habit. “i got myself a ride, you don’t need to help me. i’ll be back as soon as dawn comes.”

he raises his eyebrow. “who’s your ride?”

“doesn’t matter,” you glance down at your phone seeing a notification and wave a goodbye, leaving rather suddenly. “i gotta go, i’ll text you when you need to open the gates!”

“y/n! wait! who’s your ride— and she’s gone.” johnny sighs, watching as you run towards the front gates, tossing your stiletto heels away on the grass while you’re at it. he heads back inside, silently hoping you’ll be fine.

knocking the window of the old black mustang parked outside behind the big bushes, the driver rolls down his window and sends the most charming smile.

yuta in his black beanie, long blonde hair, worn out doc martens, signature leather jacket and black skinny jeans. it almost makes you laugh on how he wears the same thing almost everyday but still manages to look so good.

he is most notable for having a big bad boy reputation and you knew that he was the breath of fresh air you needed in your life. a person who can understand having the pressure of having to be or to fulfill your persona. a person you can completely be yourself around. a person who is full of warmth no matter how cold he may seem on the outside.

“get in, princess.”

and that was all you needed. you tiredly walked to the other door and sat yourself in the car. rolling his window back up, he looks at you. you are wearing a simple yet stunning black dress along with silver jewelry adorned on your neck and wrists. your makeup is perfectly done but still struggles to hide the fog in your eyes. he has the sudden urge to clear them away. he softens at the sight of you. no one is perfect, but he finds you being perfect enough without ever having to dress up.

“where to?” he asks as gently as he could. he knows that you are most vulnerable during these moments and that it is hard to finally break down your walls after a day full of stress, so he doesn’t pry immediately. all he wants to do is to keep you here, safe and away from your burdens and for you to stay comfortable with him, even if it couldn't be for long. but is that too selfish of him to ask? he hates how you hate your life and it is taking every bone in his body to not run away with you. but who is he to tell you what to do or what to change anyway? all he can do for now is try to find a way to make you genuinely smile.

“take me anywhere,” you whisper to the latter. “i just want to be as far from myself and my life as possible. miles away or the nearest convenience store, just take the long way home before dawn.”

you look down at the cup holders, spotting an open cigarette box. you tug one out of the nineteen and light it with the lighter you kept in your pocket. you lean back and close your eyes. he only admires as you bring the cigarette to your lips, exhaling a cloud of smoke afterwards. letting the radio play quietly, he starts the car and begins to drive away from the mansion. he can’t help but wonder how you (an elegant daughter) and him (a bad boy) are millions of worlds apart, but more similar than you think.

© perhapsthanatos (efa)

[thatssonano]

Hey, remember the research paper about why TV fails to represent female muslims? Well here it is.

Hey guys,

So I'm finally gonna try to write a real little thing about how TV fails to write muslim women. I thought about doing a real research paper and I wrote the introduction and got really anxious because it reminded of my very stressful master degree lol so this is much more simple. Anyways, let's get to it. 

As a kid, I was very hungry for representation on TV. Mostly because I had no models, no one to identify with. As a very introvert and self-conscious kid, I didn't know what to be or what to do. At some point, I started looking up to my sister, very beautiful, very intelligent and very ambitious girl. So I thought "I ought to be like that, that's what a muslim girl like me should be like.” 

Thing is, I wasn't as smart as she was, my grades were not as good, I wasn't as pretty or as popular at school, and there was not a single box I could fit in. I ended up being the "weird but nice little sister". But I was so invisible everyone would nickname me "Sarah 2" (my sister's name being Sarah.) And you know what? For the first time, I felt like I existed. Because I was "the little sister". Dude, how sad is that?

I was too white for them, not muslim enough, too weird for them. So obviously, it was tough to pave a way for myself when I was the only girl like me. 

The first time I was finally not nicknamed was when I got into college at the age of 17. Only because we didn't choose the same college. And I understood I didn't have to be as smart or as ambitious as her, I understood that I didn't have to get the life she had when I was 22. 22, guys. 

I'm turning 26 in one month. And I chose my own life. But God, how much time it took me to realize that there wasn't only one type of "the muslim girl"? 22 years.  

I'm not saying that to share about my life or whatever, I just want to show the consequences of not having representation on TV. And for sure, many people don't care about representation, my sister doesn't, my brother doesn't. But I do. Maybe that's because I'm hypersensitive, maybe that's because I believe art should mirror reality. All I know is that it's necessary for many. 

I met Sana Bakkoush on a random fan video about several fictional couples on youtube. I didn't know Skam then but there was this second in the video where I would see Noora and William staring at each other or whatever, and there was this beautiful hijabi girl in the back. I had to know what this show was about. So I did my research and binge-watched it. With much luck, I got to the end of the whole show before episode 3 of season 4 came out. So I learnt to grow with Sana, I fell in love with her, and I just felt like I could understand her. I was her. I finally was validated with her. Up until episode 5, all was well. And then,… it just broke? Still today, I'm trying to understand how they could let that happen and I guess there's one obvious reason. The writing staff was white. Julie Andem is white. And to me, if you're not from that community, you should not try to write about this one. 

As the plot thickened, you could feel like it was unbalanced, incoherent, and that many things didn't make sense. But that's pretty normal, because if you don't live the problem, you can't understand. Now I won't curse Julie Andem for not trying, but I guess what should have been done was to hire a muslim writer. And God, people can't tell me it's too tough to find. Even if it was not Iman Meskini's job, she could have asked her. God, this girl taught more about ramadan through her ig story than Skam ever did. 

Now I'm not saying she didn't do us all dirty when she gave us 9 episodes instead of ten and it all broke us on June 17th 2017 (Yep, this day is a national holiday now). And honestly, I've got not one good explanation for this except they didn't feel her story was that important. Unconsciously, I hope, because it would be too evil otherwise.

The reason, to me, that Sana was so many people's favorite character was because Iman Meskini gave her so much realness. Sana was strong yet vulnerable. Everyone, muslims like non-muslims could understand her, and I think she inspired so many people. Her life is amazing, and she's what now? 22. I really hope she gets a Nobel Prize in the future, she deserves it. 

Now let's talk about the others. I think it'd be a bit faster. 

Imane Bakhellal. Uhm. Well the main issue is the same, she was written by a white man. So obviously, it was 1. wrong. 2. wrong. 3. wrong. The story barely focused on her faith and whenever we'd see her pray she'd be interrupted. Look, I've been praying for 13 years and the only times I've interrupted my prayer were because I had just realized I had not done wudhu. Or I was too jet-lagged so I was praying in the wrong direction.  

Thing is, Imane didn't make me feel anything. And it was even sadder, because I am a muslim living in Paris. To me, her story wasn't focused on her, it wasn't even focused on religion or her struggle living between two cultures. I didn't learn a thing. And God, that hurt. That hurt even more when the director didn't acknowledge it was poorly written and was actually proud of it. It hurt that white people get the right to write our story and we're there, not having any voice. It sucked. But I guess, she had ten episodes, right, even if the last episode was within the same day. 

It didn't really bother me that she kissed him. The speech she recited did though. I got really frustrated about it. How hard would it be to find a muslim writer? Honestly, I would have been glad to join them, even as a volunteer. 

I'm not actually mad at the actress, I guess it was just a reflection of her relationship with islam. And I know many people got the representation they wanted, but to me, it remains poorly written. To me, it remains hypocrite because they don't get it. Being a muslim woman of color in France sucks sometimes. But having at least her story focused on her would have been great too. 

 Ok, let's move on. 

Amira Mahmood. I love her a little less than Sana, but I mean come on, that's understandable, right?

Amira is strong, she's beautiful, kind, smart. And her season was going well, until it wasn't anymore…. Because, well, it ended. I keep on wondering why it happened and I came with no logical answer. So maybe it was lazy writing, maybe it didn't matter to them, maybe the writers were just tired. I don't know, honestly, I don't know. But it pissed me off bad. (Honestly it was the third character I was let down on, lol, it started to be a lot to handle). Also, the other seasons were so greatly written, they had depth and understanding, it was soft and beautiful. And to me, season 4 just felt… lazy? Sure, I loved Mohammed but the Australia plot wasn't even that important it actually got fixed over text? And how hard would it be to find exciting plot for a muslim character? What? Everything should be about kissing, hair and sex? Well, no. I mean, I would have loved to see her actually working, I would have loved to see her actually bonding with her dad, I would have loved to see her at a boxing game… The summer and fall after I graduated high school was a very hard time to me, mostly because it was a time of discovery and transition. Everything was changing. God, they should have explored that more. So I don't know, I just felt detached then, and I think that's more sad, actually.

But I do believe the actress did a great job, and I wish Tua all success. 

Shall I give a little paragraph on Nadia from Elite? Hell yeah I'm going to. Well, the show is focused on sex so, I mean, are we even surprised the writers did this to Nadia? Not really, but we're still mad. Again, it was written by white people; who focused on all the stereotypes people spread about muslims. The strict dad? Check. The very quiet and invisible mom at the mercy of the dad? Check. The muslim girl who does not actually know why she's religious and only follows her parents' footsteps like a sheep because islam is just way too strict so no one in their sane mind would ever venture in such a religion? Check. The hunger for having white friends and doing the same? Check. Falling for a white guy and giving up everything she ever "believed" for him? Check. I hope the writers heard about what people had to say about it. 

Honestly, I know some would say "there are muslim girls like this". Well, ok. But what about us? We've been invisible to society for years and years. I grew up without having a single fucking idea about who I was and I just always felt like I was the odd one out. Too white, too Algerian, too muslim, too girly, too boyish, too into traditions, following too much her parents' rules… Well, growing up I just decided, I will never be enough of something, because I’m a little of everything. So yeah, some muslim girls do that, but some others don't. And we want to see these girls too. We want to normalize their way of life, so they can just live. And we want them to have the same screen time than the rest of the cast. And we want them to have exciting plots too. 

God, I've been smothered by the fucking veil debate in France for weeks and weeks and I couldn't breathe anymore. That's why we need visibility. To be acknowledged. To erase ignorance and hate. To create a homogenous society in this globalized world where everyone is different and it is okay. Because as long as your liberty isn't in danger, then the other can live as he wills. 

To finish I guess some of you would be like “if you’re so eager to criticize the work of others, just write your own story” Well I did. I actually finished one scenario in French and I have just started one in English. But how can I actually make it into reality if I don’t know anyone in the business bold enough to work with me on it? 

Honestly if you've read all of that, congratulations, thank you so much, love you all, peace out. 

I didn’t write everything I wanted but I believe it’s long enough already lol. Be safe, well and kind. (that’s what Bob Morley says and he’s a king).

[survivorkomnata]

Episode #13: “I'm about to make a million dollar mistake..” - Tim

So....pretty sure my game just suffered a MAJOR setback. Alyssa was my ride or die to the end, and Karth just proved himself to be an unreliable ally. He felt threatened by Alyssa, and maybe rightfully so, since she would definitely have probably beaten him. So at this point, it looks like the sides are lining up to be Me/Zach vs /Tim/Karth/Stephen at this point. I don't think I can convince either Tim or Karth to go against the other, but Stephen might be a possibility. I promised him my loyalty if he'd be my ally, and I argued that tim and karth definitely could NOT and have shown that they will break those promises, so Stephen is pretty much my hope at this point. That being said, I am one clue for spelling the word 'ESCAPE' in the idol hunt, although I don't know what to do with the word once I get it. If I can pull out an immunity this time and get the idol, it's a possibility I could still make it to the end. Here's hoping.

So I survived the last tribal!!!! I can't believe it!! I'm very very satisfied with the way last round unraveled. I pushed for Alyssa to go because she was the main person after me and I was happy with targeting her this round. I pushed for her name because I figured Zach wouldn't want to go to rocks over Alyssa and if he didn't then she'd go home. I didn't want to vote Jake out because I'm trying to bring him to the end of the game with me and karthik. It all worked out in my favor when Stephen won immunity and Zach,Alyssa, and Jake voted for me. Karthik wouldn't flip on me and Stephen had nothing to lose in the event of a rock draw.

So this round's challenge is mastermind! I absolutely love this challenge it is my favorite!!!! Ok so the worst case scenario that can happen tonight is Zach winning immunity and Jake playing an idol on himself!!! That would leave me completely vulnerable. The only way I would survive in that scenario is if Zach and Jake vote Stephen and not me, which I doubt. But the numbers are dwindling quickly. Does jake really think he stands a chance against Zach or Stephen at the end???? He can't be that delusional right??

i promised alyssa i would have me or jake in ftc.

i lied.

the idol is gone.

i'm flopping at this challenge.

it's over.

i'm going :airplane emoji: fifth place.

i think there's a decent chance the vote is 3-2 and i'm in the 3, but get idolled out.

So basically at this point, my path to the end involves Karth not being an idiot, but for whatever reason, he doesn’t want to recognize Stephen as the legit jury threat he is. Ughhhh

Zach claims Stephen is the biggest challenge threat between the two since he has won 2 immunities. I disagree. Have yall SEEN Zach premerge??? He literally carried every tribe he was on. He def has challenge capabilities that I or Stephen don't possess. If I vote out Stephen then it leaves two duos at final 4. Its a 2v2 and if Zach wins that immunity then the game is over for me. If Jake wins it will go to firemaking and I will get my ass handed to me by Zach. On the FLIP SIDE If I vote out Zach then the game becomes a 3v1 with Stephen being a solo player. If he wins that immunity then I can kiss my chances of winning goodbye. If he loses then his game is up and I get to go to f3 and possibly win?? So that is why I'm leaning towards voting for Zach over Stephen.

I'm about to make a million dollar mistake.

I am a mess..idk what to do. I am unsure if I should be glad or sad for being the only person not getting votes so far. I have been doing the best I can but it still seems that I would be seen as the goat at the end. Its so unclear for me on how the jury perceives any of the remaining people and who their favorite. All I know is its definitely not me. At least winning this immunity could have given me some confidence but I wasnt lucky in that either.

I've been pretty calm all day today knowing that I'm going to survive the Tribal Council thanks to my idol. Maybe to a strange degree, but honestly, it's all okay. Jake winning immunity is unfortunate only because it limits my options of who to vote out, but I was leaning towards voting Zach anyway, so this isn't the worst case scenario at all.

Since Alyssa has been voted out, Tim and Jake have both told me that I'd win if I make Final Tribal Council. Tim even got a little vindictive with me when I tried to argue I wasn't the biggest threat to win. I appreciate the compliment, but not all of the implications that come with it. Needless to say, if I didn't have an idol, I'd be packing my bags tonight. But luckily, thanks to Tim, Karth, Alyssa, Jess, and Ally, and all the information they gave me, I won't have to worry about that. My eyes are on F4.

Winning the next immunity challenge would be amazing. It might get me into Final Tribal, but it may also just get me into F3 immunity. I have no clue what it could be. I hope I don't NEED to rely on immunity to stay, but, I mean, give me a break here. With so many people saying I'm THE threat to win, how could I not feel that way?

🚨🚨🚨ANNOUNCEMENT🚨🚨🚨 🚨THIS IS POSSIBLY MY LAST CONFESSIONAL FOR CELESTIAL: KOMNATA����

i believe this vote will be 3 votes stephen, 2 votes me. i also believe, in some way, stephen is going to get idolled.

my initial plan was to get [tim + karthik] = stephen [zach + jake] = tim [stephen] = zach

so when one of them idolled, i was safe. however, tim not being on board derails that plan entirely. this game is so frustrating. his logic to a degree makes sense. i support it. but like, stephen will sweep this FTC and i honestly probs wouldn't so. also, through our conversation, i realize how smart tim is. good for him!! king of analyzing.

anyway.

firstly, thank yawls for hosting. i'm sorry 2 alyssa. it's just sucky cuz the "three biggest players" at merge (this is on paper, not legit) were ally/alyssa/myself, and all three of us are probably leaving back 2 back LOL

i also want to apologize to jake. this is for post-season ig NNNNNN jake - i want 2 apologize for being distrusting of you in the past. you are a great person + i am so appreciative to have worked with you & met you in this game.

i am leaving this game content (if i do, that is). i played hard. despite a huge target on my back, i managed to get fifth (when i almost got 10th/7th). i had a pretty elevated social game, physical game too, and i think strategically i was fine. my main blunder was the idol misplay but zzz i wouldve used it at f6/7 anyway probs, just bc ppl knew i had it. i dont want to stroke my ego or anything but im fully accepting of how i played. i only wish i had more agency, but i dont really fault myself for that i guess (but when i get to jury/post season ill def see that it's probs more something i did but... for now, i'm angel :$)

me rn: Alexa, play The Climb

going✈️fifth and going✈️jury tonight! cheers

🚨🚨🚨gays dont win lol🚨🚨🚨

Sooooo...this vote basically hinges entirely on Karthik. If we three vote Stephen (is and Zach), then Stephen is out UNLESS he plays the idol which is a distinct possibility. Either way, the possibility that Stephen gets three votes and doesn’t have an idol is the only way Zach can get thru this vote, and I really hope he does.

Zach is voted out in a 3-2 vote. He becomes the seventh member of our jury.

[zagosinger]

Brand analysis portfolio 401.3

I’d say this was a very strong month to deconstruct my notions of what being a professional artist means, of what should my mind focus on, of what it means to be an Artist. The self awareness aspect also impacted me massively, I’ve been much more in touch with my musical roots like Heavy Metal and classical, also been researching Brazilian Funk that was and still is a big influence where I’m from, a sound I’d hear a lot throughout my teens. This module certainly gave me a better notion of what an original artist is about, what a creative is about.

Week 2 questions ( 05.10.17 -- 10.10.17 )

-- About the aspect of fragmentation of “views” throughout medias, how much my views number matter for a cover song?? How realistic are they, meaning how important career wise?

---Considering the nature of the new business model of music, I feel the covers ( and eventually vlog ) are my form of exercising content Marketing and my only way at the moment of having any work public, of having a portfolio, potentially connecting to/building a fanbase and exercising arranging/producing pop music in general. However youtube eats dramatically my songwriting time and this is my main concern about it. I’m having a hard time letting go of doing the covers since I feel is my only way of showing something musical to the world, with the attention it “deserves”. This in turn makes me wonder why do I think my songs wouldn’t have the same impact. Maybe the fact I’m posting something “numbs” my insecurity of trying to get the same attention with my own music. I just feel I should be spending more time creating my artistic persona and my musical universe instead of having to spend so much time on how many views am I getting on Youtube with songs that aren’t even mine. I think this course is showing me how important it is to spend the time on such a thing as to building your persona as an artist. The funny thing is, it creates a certain anxiety towards my journey, ( maybe a lack of confidence on the industry? ), it feels like I’m wasting time, it feels like I’m overthinking this, thus it generates anxiety, it paralises me and I end up being reactive to this life of complete independence in London.

-- How important is it to have a fan base at the beginning?? Like YouTube views, Facebook likes and IG followers? I feel that paying attention at it distracts me from creating he best music I can, although I feel if I don't pay attention at it, no one is gonna listen to it anyway. This in turn makes me very anxious while writing, the "no one's gonna listen to it anyway" phrase creeps into my head..

--How much would you say we're still dependent of the industry ( meaning labels, PR companies) at the moment? Should we focus on whatever is possible putting our creativity and drive to be big on original music first and recognise our limitations or should we actually actively be our own PR agents?

9 October 2017

I asked myself this question on 03.02.17, it’s still pertinent today, although I can answer it a bit better nowadays.

Como se inserir num mercado que parece que tem medo de tais artistas? No sentido de não segurança em repertório e/ou estilo, no sentido de que a maioria das "principais " oportunidades que aparecem e que se apresentam como fontes de renda para o "artista classe média baixa" são na sua grande maioria para bandas function ou cover. A questão dos vídeos do YouTube que praticamente demandam a produção de covers, não dando espaço na vida do artista para trabalhar propriamente em seu material original, enfim, a minha questão segue, como eu, enquanto artista original ( leia-se que tem o seu próprio estilo, suas próprias músicas ) posso me inserir neste mercado? — Translation: How should I insert myself in a market that looks like is afraid of such artists ( meaning orginal artists )? Not in the sense of security in repertoire or style but in the sense that the main opportunities that present themselves as sources of income for the “ low middle class artist” are in their great majority for function or cover bands. The matter of Youtube that practically demand the production of covers not giving space in an artist’s life to properly work in his original material, my question follows, how do I wilst an original artist ( that has his own sense of style and original songs ) can insert myself into this market?

… on the same day …

Muitas transformações de princípios fundamentais, me sinto muito mais confiante em me concentrar mais na minha música original, na minha própria identidade enquanto artista e songwriter, em estudar as músicas que realmente me movem enquanto artista e levar uma vida em torno de algo que realmente me move pessoalmente, sinto que eu não gastar mais tempo com os covers me tirou um peso muito grande, me sinto mais livre para realmente fazer o que importa, sinto mais e mais que a criação de músicas próprias agregam muito mais valor à sua pessoa profissional na música do que simplesmente ter um portfólio com músicas de outros artistas que estão até saturada. É legal ter a reação positiva e o reconhecimento alheio mas eu quero isso com as minhas próprias músicas/identidade.

— Translation: A lot of transformation of fundamental principals, I feel much more confident in focusing on my own music, my own identity as an original artist and songwriter, in studying the songs that actually move me as an artist. I feel that not spending the time with covers lifted a very heavy weight out of my shoulders, I feel more freedom to do what really matters, more and more I feel the creation of my own songs aggregate much more value in your professional person in music than simply having a portfolio with songs of other artists. It’s fun to have the positive reaction and acknowledgement of other people but I prefer having this with my own songs/identity.

16 October 2017 ( Monday life admin )

Me sinto muito mais leve sem a pressão do Youtube, não me sentia verdadeiro à minha arte ou ao meu objetivo em geral, parecia que eu estava me privando de trabalhar na minha própria música em função de algo que eu nem sabia se era pertinente. Elaborei uma questão muito boa ( que foi respondida ) para o UD. Entendi qual a prioridade que a música original deva ter na vida do artista original. A questão da vulnerabilidade, a questão da construção desta persona artística, todas as referencias a serem estudadas e esmiuçadas e serem exploradas em função da sua personalidade e representatividade, quem voce representa? Quais ideais? Qual a sua forma maior de mensagem?

— Translation :

Considering the nature of the new business model of music, I feel the covers ( and eventually vlog ) are my form of exercising content Marketing and my only way at the moment of having any work public, of having a portfolio, potentially connecting to/building a fanbase and exercising arranging/producing pop music in general. However youtube eats dramatically my songwriting time and this is my main concern about it. I’m having a hard time letting go of doing the covers since I feel is my only way of showing something musical to the world, with the attention it “deserves”. This in turn makes me wonder why do I think my songs wouldn’t have the same impact. Maybe the fact I’m posting something “numbs” my insecurity of trying to get the same attention with my own music. I just feel I should be spending more time creating my artistic persona and my musical universe instead of having to spend so much time on how many views am I getting on Youtube with songs that aren’t even mine. I think this course is showing me how important it is to spend the time on such a thing as to building your persona as an artist. The funny thing is, it creates a certain anxiety towards my journey, ( maybe a lack of confidence on the industry? ), it feels like I’m wasting time, it feels like I’m overthinking this, thus it generates anxiety, it paralises me and I end up being reactive to this life of complete independence in London. ( 05.10.17 )

— Gotta stop trying to please your parents… Connect to why you need to start expressing yourself, and express yourself, it looks like there’s a catastrophic anxiety of doing your own thing and going nowhere.

— It lacks vulnerability.

— It looks like you’re ready for battle.

— You’re sound looks too professionalised, a bit cold, it lacks vulnerability.

— You want approval, therefore you go straight to marketing.

— You’re best marketing start in your actions.

WEEK 3 THOUGHTS ( 12.10.17 -- 16.10.17 )

BBC Radio: Marketing, hacking the unconscious

Interessante o conceito de mainstream Marketing como algo relatable, acabei de ver uma notícia de Ed Sheraan, "World tour jeopardy for Ed Sheeran in london bike accident", eu vejo hoje como ele é a face do inglês comum, ele realmente representa o jovem inglês comum, "familiarity breeds trust”.

24 October 2017 ( Tuesday life admin )

Music is going in a very positive and nurturing phase in my journey! I feel I’m reconnecting myself to my creativity again in a very productive and realistic way. Unfortunately I feel youtube occupied too much of the space my creativity towards my own art/music should be in. With UDAS I can now visualize the value of building a persona around your music/art, of really defining your references, compiling your ideas, bringing to consciousness all your identity towards your music. I hearing music differently, consuming art differently, I now understand how important the artist actually is for society in general. Somehow music, singing always felt like such a natural and intuitive way of expressing myself through.

30 October 2017 ( Monday life admin )

My perception of art evolved exponentially, I’m consuming art differently, I’m hearing music differently, I’m understanding my role as a musician much more now, I’m deconstructing the notion of an original artist, what’s his meaning, what’s his purpose, why do we need them. It makes me look at my act of creation in a very different way, it makes it lighter, with a stronger priority, I’m coming closer to understanding and connecting the dots of where do I fit in this world of music as a professional creative. Songwriter is what comes to my mind the most often, Songwriter before Producer I’d say.

My singing is definitely improving, although I think it's lacking in me the discipline to do the physical exercises that I so poignant about, I certainly left my technique aside for a bit in favour of more personal and logistical aspects of my artistry. I’d say is valid to do exercises at the gaps of time, where you don’t feel it happening so often.

My piano is going okay, I don’t feel so pressured but I do feel like my piano could match more my style, and by saying that I imply less classical and more R&B/Soul piano playing, my original songs included.

My songwriting it’s at the verge of a leap of creative productivity, I’d say that my evolving understanding of my particular sense of what’s my role in art makes me so much more infused with the desire of giving my language and perception of the world to people to listen to. The single act of finding a new meaning to the artist and what’s the artist’s role in society ( not with all its pretentiousness this phrase implies ) transforms my art in so many ways that the business aspect of it, which I’m so keen on, just becomes a consequence of focusing on the latter, as money should be as well.

My production skills at the moment are at a holt, I think it’s valid to first understand how a song is built ( analysis ) and then to focus on exercising the technical recording and production aspect of it.