#anyway. um. did anybody ever realize how somebody that i used to know is kinda these two in song form

[smile-files]

we both lost because we couldn't find each other

(objectober day 26: lose)

[lexacoolfox]

I saw your bio about angel of death too!! May i request nagito X s/o who's like zack!!:D I hope i don't bothering you and have a nice day^^♡♡

Yes finally! Also your not bothering me, and thank you for wishing me a nice day! Your such a sweet heart adelia-Chan!

Nagito with a S/O like Zack!

Now it is modern time, you probably aren’t a murder but you can be, um…problematic.

You liked to beat people up when the looked to happy or mad. It made you feel good.

You obviously laughed like a mentally insane person when you did.

Now on the first day of school you saw a boy with white hair looking way to happy, he looked like a good target.

He noticed you right away and introduced himself with that smile, he sounded so joyful while doing it. That just made you want beat him up even more.

“Hello I’m Nagito Komeada!”

“Hey Komeada. I’m S/O. You got three seconds to run.”

The last part you said with a dark tone. He looked at you confused.

“Um…why would I need to run?”

“Cause you look way to frickin happy, makes me want to beat you up! I like to give people a fair chance to try to run away. As long you beg or scream for me not to hurt you to bad! I love seeing fear on my victims faces! Gets my blood bumping!”

He softly chuckled.

“Oh I’m not going to run away. I’ll let you do it. Come hit me! An ultimate like you hitting trash like me is an honor!”

You stumbled back and leaned by a nearby trash can and threw up.

“Man is something wrong with you. That’s the most messed up thing I’ve ever heard. You not running away or begging for your life. it makes it no fun. See ya later weirdo, I going to class I guess.”

Unfortunately (or fortunately) you both had the same class.

So you really couldn’t escape him, you had to listen to him insult himself and his thing on hope. Which kinda annoyed you.

You interested him and he wanted to get to know you. Like what your hobbies, your goals, or why do you like to beat up people who look happy.

“Is there a reason why your following me like a lost puppy?”

“Your interest me. Just pretend I’m not here.”

You saw a group of girls. They were laughing at another girl. They poured milk on her and laughed even louder. This brought back a memory from your childhood. A very bad memory.

You feel into a rage. You ran and proceeded to beat these girls to the point where they were knocked out. You turned to the girl who they were bullying you held out a hand for her to grab. You helped her getting up, patted her head then walked away.

Nagito followed close behind. You forgot he was following you. You went somewhere quite with a low chance of other students walking by. Then you grabbed him by the neck and shoved him against the wall.

“You better not tell anyone about anything you saw! Or else your gonna end up worse then those girls!”

“Oh I was never going to tell anyone anyway!”

“You better not be lying! I hate liars more than anything!”

“I’m not lying.”

You looked at him in the eyes. He was completely honest. You let him go.

“I thought it was kinda cool to see you standing up for that girl.”

“I wasn’t doing it for her. I was doing it cause it reminded me of something. Something I’d rather forget.”

“Even though, your speed and strength was amazing to see in action. You also held such passion in your eyes.”

You started angry mumbling not because he was annoying you but your were honestly embarrassed, you weren’t used to hearing much praise.

One day your class decided to have a party, you don’t know how they convinced you. But they did, you didn’t listen to the details just the time and place.

The party was a bonfire party.

Once you arrived you were the last one to arrive, they started off the fire. To where you started internally freaking out. Also frozen in fear.

At some point you were escaped into the back of the woods, Nagito noticed and went to follow you. He heard you near by. You found you punching a tree while yelling. You hade to stop cause of your hands

You wore bandages all over hands, shoulder, arms, and up your back a little, from a incident from a long time ago. You heard a twig snap.

“Who’s there! Show yourself!”

“Oops looks like I’ve been spotted.”

“Ugh! What’s with you and following me!”

“Well I noticed you left the party. I just wanted to know why.

He said sitting on a tree stump. You lean against a tree.

“Don’t tell anyone this. But. I’m scared of fire.”

“Oh. Well, how about we go to a near by gas station. We can get some snacks!”

“I don’t have any money.”

“Don’t worry I’ll pay.”

You weren’t saying no to free food. You guys got a couple of snacks and went to a nearby park to sit on a bench.

You actually had a nice conversation with Nagito. You actually were laughing a lot. For the first time ever somebody smile didn’t want to make you beat them up. Nagito smile made you smile.

You developed a crush on Nagito.

You treated him different from then on.

No threats were thrown his way from you. You didn’t mind when he talked to you. Anytime somebody gave him a nasty look for saying something. You punch your hand against your palm as a sign. You often lean against him when he talks to somebody. Anytime he says an insult to himself, you put him in a headlock and start giving him noogies while saying “why do you keep saying that! Do you got some screws loose Huh?!” You could say it’s tough love. Everbody knew you had a crush on Nagito. But you were to dense to notice your own feelings and Nagito was to oblivious to notice your change in behavior. Surprisingly you and fuyuhiko had a kinda Frenemy thing going on. You two acted like you hate each other, which you do. but you two had a lot in common so sometimes you got along. He’s the one to point out your feelings

“When you going to tell Nagito you like him?”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“It’s so obvious you have a crush on him. Which is kinda weird.”

“What’s a crush?”

He gave you a shock looked. Then called you an idiot. He explained a crush and then it made sense to you.

“So…how do I tell him.”

“Just tell him. Unless your a chicken.”

“Shut up! I’m not a chicken! I’ll go tell him right now!”

You stomped away looking for Nagito to tell him. You found him being Ganged up by some guys. You beat all of them up. Some puked from your punches, some passed out, some ran away. You picked up Nagito and threw him over his shoulder and started walking away with him.

“Um s/o can you let me down? I can walk on my own.”

“No.”

You went back to your place and threw him on your couch.

“Thanks for saving me back there. I didn’t think you would save me like that.”

You flicked him in the forehead.

“Of course I saved you. I love you dummy.”

He blushed at the sudden confession.

“I love you too.”

You blushed and pulled him to your chest. You cuddle him, so you guys are now a couple.

Here somethings you do now your a couple

You are always touching him in someway, simple hand hold, hugging, leaning against him, just anything works.

Your like his own personal bodyguard.

He helps you with your bandages when you need to change them.

He comforts you when there’s fire.

You give him random small kisses.

Everybody and anybody is too scared to flirt with Nagito.

When you two are anywhere like a booth at a restaurant. You have you arm wrapped around Nagito shoulder.

After a long time. You told him things about your childhood, which he understood and helped you deal with your trauma.

Bonus: for this to make sense. I ship fuyuhiko and Peko.

You noticed how fuyuhiko acted around peko. You and Nagito decided to play match maker.

Nagito invited fuyuhiko to a cafe to hangout. While you did the same with peko.

They arrived at the cafe both texting you asking where you were. Both of you texted something came up with your significant other so you couldn’t make it. They spotted each other and decided to hangout. Just according to plan. you and Nagito where wearing disguises to watch them. Nagito went up to their waiter after he took their order, saying he’ll pay for them.

When they learned that somebody payed for them and the waiter pointed who. They realized it was you two. You practically grab Nagito and made a mad dash for the exit.

Later that night you got to listen to a mad fuyuhiko, while receiving passive aggressive text from peko.

“Why you so mad? I’m just helping you out. I mean you helped me and Nagito get together. I’m just returning the favor.”

“What?! Are you implying I have a crush on peko! What gave off that idea?!”

“A lot of things gave off that idea. C’mon you like her. Don’t be a chicken.”

“I hate you!”

“The feelings mutual. Just go for it.”

“You don’t tell me what to do-“

You hung up. You put your phone on silent and went to sleep. Luckily it was Friday so you didn’t have school the next day. So they couldn’t bother you about it.

[shimmershae]

My thoughts on Episode 6--On the Inside

Very appropriate title by the way.  Works in a multitude of ways.  

As always, my randomness is going beneath a cut again to spare the eyeballs of those of you that don’t want to see it at all and also?  Help those of you that have somehow stayed spoiler-free in this brand-new age of early release episodes.  It is still so wild to me that I’m a full episode ahead of half the fandom.  I don’t know what I’m going to do when we get to the final episode and they decide to make us all suffer together--because somehow I do feel they will do exactly that after spoiling us for the first 23 episodes.  It is going to be agonizing.  

Anyway.  Without further ado, Shae’s stream of consciousness review (of sorts).  

Not fair, Angela.  Opening the episode with that shot of that big ass spider.  I hate those suckers.  So naturally, they’re an easy sell for setting the horror scene to me, lol.  

Okay.  Who the hell’s chasing Virgil and Connie?  Walker No-See-Ums?

Barely a minute in and the atmosphere for this episode is moody AF.  

What is this?  Tara Jr. The Walking Dead?  LOL.  Where’s the Scarlett for this mini plantation house?  Anyway.  First three minutes of this episode?  Just as attention grabbing as the first five episode openings this season.  I don’t think people out there are giving our writers enough love for that.  Every episode so far has opened like a mini movie.  

With the way the Walking Dead logo keeps crumbling away with each successive episode, somehow it wouldn’t surprise me at all if the Carol and Daryl spinoff was eventually titled The Living and had flowers growing out of each letter, lol.  I mean, there would be a certain sort of life-affirming symmetry in a show that’s been promised to be much lighter in tone doing just that.  

More Carol and Aaron?  Yes, please.  I don’t necessarily like Carol staying at home and sitting the sidelines like a figurative happy little homemaker in the B story while the rest of the mains are trying like hell to sell the A story, but if she’s going to be totally prohibited from the main storyline until it’s time to blow shit up?  I’m going to continue enjoy getting to see her do what she should have been doing for seasons--interacting with others in the community, especially Aaron and the ladies.  

Truly.  I really am loving my girl getting some quality Aaron and Rosita time.  It’s so long overdue.  

Bless sweet Kelly.  Riding off to her sister’s rescue.  

Why isn’t Lydia shown as part of these plans?  For someone that could barely read last season, I doubt that big ass map was a piece of cake for her and it’s all just guesswork anyway without her guidance.  I mean, why does it feel like they are cutting some of this stuff that might not seem like much plot-wise but would go a long way toward establishing different character beats?  Personally, I would have loved to see her involved in the search and sharing scenes again with Carol and bonding with Kelly. 

Virgil be having that “I always feel like somebody’s watching me” feeling.  Don’t you hate that, lol?  

“You haven’t slept in days.”  But how many days, Virgil?  I’m going to need a number because I’m confused AF about this timeline at this point.  What we’re seeing and what different pieces of dialogue is telling us is not exactly lining up.  I’m going to find it awful hilarious if it hasn’t even been two weeks since the cave in.  For reasons.  

Connie’s spidey senses are clearly tingling.  

Alrighty, then.  She’s clearly got PTSD.  Understandable.  They’ve all had it.  Some have been treated more sympathetically than others, though.  

I mean, it never seems to cross anybody’s mind how Carol probably sees Henry’s head on that pike, Mika’s pale and bloody body, Lizzie crumpled face down in a bed of yellow flowers, Sophia with a smoking bullet hole through her undead head whenever she closes her eyes but whatever.  

Okay though.  But what if Connie had really shitty, impossible to read handwriting?  AKA doctor’s  handwriting.  What then?  

Leah’s face honestly twists my insides whenever I see it, lol.  It’s quiet a visceral thing.  No, that does not make me a horrible person.  Not everybody wants or has to drink the awesome, great, redeemable villainess Kool-Aid.  IMHO, she’s got a face meant for a Walker.  Perfect makeover idea.  Eh.  Mostly it’s her expression and the deadness of her eyes.  

Anyway.  Why is it always the fingers?  Eff that.  

Listen.  If ya’ll can’t tell Daryl’s conflicted AF with the situation he’s landed in, you don’t know how to read NR’s face and eyes.  He’s not a masterclass like MMB but he’s pretty darn good when he wants to be.  

I honestly feel sorry for Redshirt Frost.  

“You do what you gotta do.”  Frost knows what’s what and he’s willing to walk the walk for Maggie.  Impressive loyalty.  I’m left wondering how the current, colder incarnation of Maggie inspired it because I’m still struggling to see it.  Anywho.  My point is the dude knows the score and just gave Daryl the okay.  

Daryl taking off his angel vest before stepping into the role of torturer/interrogator=him shedding the persona/the man Judith and RJ and Lydia and Carol know him to be.  Pushing away his man of honor status so he can just survive somehow.  

Pope never quits chewing whatever the hell he’s got in his mouth.  It’s kind of distracting.  

Ohhh.  We’re back to the Haunted Mansion.  I mean house.  Where are the Hitchhiking Ghosts?  

All the eyes scratched out of those creepy pictures=spooky.  

The good old fogged up bathroom mirror shot.  Somebody’s been watching and studying their horror movies, lol.  Not gonna lie though.  I’m legit bracing myself for the jump scares I know have to be coming.  

I’m loving the music/score in these scenes.  

Truthfully, I could care less about these Reapers.  But they are hella attractive, lol.  Listen.  Angela knows what she’s doing.  

Kelly’s horse is so pretty.  Prayer chain for that baby.  

More dead horses?  Why?  

Connie’s slingshot?  Sorry.  I maintain, no matter how much I like these two, that they have the lamest weapons ever.  Endless supply of Virginia rocks or not.  

So.  Did Virgil and Connie enjoy a little equine for dinner?  Did they kill it before the Walkers fed?  What monsters!  Yeah, no.  Not if they were starving even if I personally could not have.  The more probable story is they fled the camp in a panic and left the horse behind and then it went down.  Sorry.  I didn’t exactly study the wounds on the poor animal because it is so traumatizing to me to continue to see them meet such dastardly ends on this show.  I don’t know who the hell has such a score to settle with horses but stop it.  

Days.  It’s only been days.  Not weeks.  So many times with all that Daryl and Company have had to contend with since the cave in?  Those do not exist, lol.  They’re just a convenient, appeasing piece of dialogue thrown at a fanbase primed and ready to read everything into not much of anything.  There’s just not been enough time for it to happen unless Daryl has literally been up 24/7 for all of them.�� You know, strategizing how to attack the remainders of Alpha’s horde, figuring out how to defend Hilltop before it fell, healing from the wound he sustained at Alpha’s hand, sitting on that log all damn night with Negan waiting on Carol to come home, having a lover’s quarrel with his best damn everything, taking care of the Grimes babies and Lydia, being the reluctant leader.  Kang, why you playing them like that?  Daryl’s a super guy but he’s not a superhuman with clones.  So many times my ass.  

Seriously.  Who been watching Connie and Virgil?  The MIA Oceansiders?  Beta’s Fee Fi Fo Fum Ghost?  

Nice.  A Michonne mention.  Maybe the truth will start to trickle out.  

LMAO at Connie’s “I’m not staying here.”  Me neither, girl.  I would be outta that house so fast.  

They really “Quiet Placing” this episode.  Honestly?  I’m kinda loving it.  

WTF was that?  I know she can’t hear but you telling me all the little hairs on her arms, legs, and neck didn’t stand the fuck up and say fuck this shit, I’m gone?  Pardon my language, lovelies, but that moment had my heart kicking up several beats.  

Okay, okay.  To be fair to Connie, every hair on her body been doing that since the front door closed.  Maybe they’re desensitized.  

Gollum’s chasing Connie!!!  He/She wants their Precious!!!

The knee jerk reactions about this episode sight unseen are OTT, honestly.  And I mean no disrespect by saying that.  I can understand completely where they’re coming from because we’ve been burned so long in this fandom.  But it’s obvious the spoiler source has their particular biases and reads into things in such a way that don’t line up with what’s actually being shown onscreen.  Daryl’s loyalty in this episode and all along quite clearly lies with his family and his community.  He’s been playing Leah since the start and is truly just trying to survive somehow.  

Awful thought.  The Reaper that’s so suspish of Daryl--haven’t quite caught his name or really cared to.  I feel like he might try to get to Daryl somehow.  When he realizes that Daryl cares no more for Leah than any human would care for somebody (they thought) they used to know?  He’s going after Dog.  Or Carol should she finally join this story. 

I refuse to believe Carol isn’t going to be a part of this story.  Because they messing with her mans, lol.  

“You’re ever with us or you’re not.”  Now where have I heard those words before?  I wish I could find that Daryl gif because that had to be one of the funniest things ever, lol.  

Unrealistic suggestion to Daryl, Leah?  Breathing oxygen seems to piss off Carver.  Oh look.  He finally has a name for me, lol.  

I love how all three of the ladies--Carol, Magna, and Rosita--look at Kelly with such indulgent, adoring “little sis, you alright?” eyes.  

They are seriously the most beautiful quartet of characters.  I mean all of them are lovely but Carol and Rosita this season?  Ugh.  The unfairness of the pretty.  

Human bones.  Terminus callback, lovelies.  How it all would have eventually gone down if Gareth and Co. hadn’t met the business end of Rick’s red machete.  

So many horror movie homages in this one.  

Virgil’s like “let’s leave this Texas Chainsaw Massacre behind.”  

Connie and Virgil have obviously bonded, ya’ll.  I’m surprised by how much I’m enjoying their scenes together when the character mostly got on my nerves with Michonne.  He’s a good actor and the core of his character is sympathetic, but I’m not going to lie.  I wasn’t super enthused when he was the one that rescued Connie because I didn’t know how their scenes would play out. But there’s a nice synergy there.  

Okay.  Does Carver want Leah for himself?  Because I’m sure Daryl at this point would love to scream “take her, I know where I fucking belong!”  

Daryl’s digging in deep because Carver has shown him Leah’s potential weak spot.  Nuance is truly lost on some people, LMAO.  He cares about Leah as a human being probably.  He’s Daryl, after all.  The sweet one.  But he sees her as his way outta this and he’s going to exploit it.  

It’s nice to have a silent Negan for once, lol.  I can pretend he didn’t take my baby Glenn away from me and enjoy JDM’s pretty.  

So.  These cannibal people were the watchers?  Hmm.  

I’m really digging Virgil 2.0.  Yeah.  Nobody’s surprised more than me.  

Sweet, sweet scene between Virgil and Connie.  His determination to reunite her with her family brings back the sympathy I felt for him when he told Michonne “I promised her flowers.  Every day.”  

Damn.  How many of those creepy crawly cannibals are there?  

How brave of Connie to confront her fears to save someone she’s obviously grown to care about.  

The Kelly/Connie reunion gave me chills and made me cry.  Thank fuck Angela didn’t cheapen that moment by having it focus on literally anybody else.  Kelly is the most important person in the whole world to Connie and vice versa.  Just like Carol is the most important person in the whole world to Daryl and vice versa.  Angela fucking knows.  Everybody does.  Except the people busy building castles out of sand while the waves of Carol’s and Daryl’s converging stories keep crashing closer and closer to shore.  

Such a beautiful moment given to us by Angel Theory and Lauren Ridloff.  So authentic and sweet.  Kelly and Connie are home to each other.  

Poor Frost.  That’s all I gotta say about that.  

WTF, though.  Was Mel just not available or what?  I want to see more of the ASZ characters that I care about, not the Reapers.  Like I’d be fine with the story if all the characters not named Maggie, Negan, or Daryl weren’t surviving on crumbs during it.  Especially the 2nd billed actress on the entire show.  Angela.  Please.  Fix this.  

One last WTF.  Seriously.  WTF has Maggie done to inspire Pope’s obsession?  It better be juicy after all this shit.  

Overall impression of the episode--

One of my favorites of the season so far.  The horror aspects were fantastic, IMHO. I truly didn’t expect to like Connie and Virgil’s scenes as much together so that was a nice surprise.  She got the reunion that felt most true and earned for the character and her story and I thank Angela from the bottom of my heart for that.  

I would have loved more Carol but I always want more Carol.  I’m okay with her taking a backseat because ultimately?  This was Kelly’s moment with her sister.  Carol and Connie will eventually have their time to sit down and talk.  And pick back up their blossoming friendship because I truly do not feel Connie blames Carol at all.  

I do wish Lydia had been included with the girl group.  Last episode felt like it was leading up to that.  

The Reaper storyline continues to be the weakest link because every time we see them the dialogue and interactions feel totally recycled from the time previous.  I feel like it would have totally been helped by a tighter focus and less stretching out because 8 episodes of this is really diluting what I feel like Angela and Co. are going for.  I’m not here for Leah being redeemed or being a bigger focus in any of the episodes because she does nothing of interest for me.  I’m just peeking in on that story for the Daryl of it all.  

Speaking of the Daryl? You lovelies out there gotta stop taking that spoiler source’s recaps at face value because it’s obvious to me at least that there’ some bias at work.  Every action and word coming from Daryl is coming from a place of loyalty to his family and wanting to protect them, no matter how he has to dirty his hands.  Leah is just a means to his ultimate end.  She’s not his future.  She never was.  His future’s already spoken for and 2023 can’t get  here soon enough.  But like Daryl, we have to just survive somehow.  

Oh goodie.  More Maggie and Negan next episode and looks like no real follow up on Connie and the ASZ reunions.  Hopefully, this is yet another instance of the previews being deceiving but I’m not holding my breath.  

Until later, lovelies.  

Hope my word vomit didn’t bore you too much.  

[there-must-be-a-lock]

Flirtation and Fistfights

Supernatural/Criminal Minds

Word Count: ~2940

Warnings: Drinking, pot smokin’, and (in case you couldn’t guess from the title) a fistfight. Somebody is giving a homeless woman a hard time, Spencer and Dean do not appreciate it.   

A/N: This is part of the Rockstar AU! It’s also for my Rockstar AU square on my Criminal Minds Trope Bingo card. Convenient, right? 

Lemming line inspired by an Ao3 tag. Continued cheerleading for this series provided by @stunudo​, who is wonderful. 

Spot the “It Takes A Village” reference! 

The post-show adrenaline rush is made even sweeter by the fact that there’s a hot tub and a couple easy days in Dean’s near future. The first L.A. show is in the bag. They have another tomorrow — same venue means minimal gear-schlepping and setup, thank fuck — followed by a full day off. 

Neither band has played L.A. in a while, and Dean’s seen a few familiar faces milling around already. It’s nice, aside from the small talk, but he’s used to that; the way he travels, he rarely has time to stay in one place and get to know people beyond the basics. He’s perfected the spiel: “tour’s been great, we’re going into the studio when it’s over, how’s your kid/spouse/dog?” etc. There are a bunch of those conversations happening around him, but people are starting to trickle out slowly, friends and acquaintances heading home or closing out. 

While they’re here, they’re staying at Casa de Pop Star, and Dean can’t lie, he’s looking forward to some poolside naps, movies on a decent-sized screen, and various other creature comforts. 

He’s getting another drink first, though. He leans up against the venue bar and looks around. 

At the end of the bar, Spencer is talking to a blonde, and it takes Dean a second to place her: Lila Archer, movie star and all-around hottie. Dean gapes at them for a second. He can’t see Spencer’s face, but she’s clearly flirting, standing close and putting a hand on his arm. Dean had no idea the kid had game like that. Granted, he and Spencer aren’t exactly close, but. 

Dean hasn’t figured him out yet. Dean is usually good at figuring out what makes people tick, what they’re hiding behind their masks, but he can’t make heads or tails of whatever the fuck happens in Spencer’s head. He has this way of looking at Dean as if he’s an alien species, or something, all bemused and vaguely perturbed like he can’t make sense of the words that just came out of Dean’s mouth. 

Then again, Spencer’s high more often than not, and they don’t exactly have a lot in common, and he’s a goddamn space cadet even when he’s sober, so... maybe he just really doesn’t know what Dean’s talking about half the time. 

He’s not like that with everybody, is the thing; Sam and Spencer got along immediately. They have this whole quirky dork thing going on where they talk in half-sentences that don’t make sense to anybody else. 

Not that Dean’s jealous or anything. Whatever.  

Dean’s drink arrives and he’s distracted for a moment, but when he looks again, Spencer’s shaking his head. Lila’s face falls. A second later, he’s giving her an awkward little wave, and she heads for the door. 

Yeah, Dean’s not usually one for gossip, but he really wants to know what the fuck just happened. Maybe Spencer’s one of those geeks who’s just completely fuckin’ oblivious when chicks are hitting on them? Dean can set him straight. It’ll be a bonding exercise. 

He weaves through the crowd to where Spencer is downing the last of his drink. 

“Tell me you did not just shoot down Lila Archer.”  

Spencer makes a face. “I could tell you that, but I’d be lying.” 

“Dude, what the hell?” Dean laughs. “Did she just march up and introduce herself? I didn’t know she was coming to the show.” 

“I met her at a party a while ago,” Spencer tells him. He’s looking up at the ceiling pensively, avoiding eye contact as he shreds a napkin. “In New York, when she was still in school. I, um. She’d been talking to this skeevy guy, and I saw him slip something in her drink, so.” 

“What did you do?” 

“Grabbed it and threw it in his face,” Spencer admits sheepishly. “And then I got punched, and she offered to, um, take me home and thank me, but I was kinda bleeding a lot. She gave me her number instead.” 

“That’s… actually pretty badass,” Dean comments. Spencer gives him half a smile. “So you guys kept in touch?” 

“She moved to L.A. not long after that. We’ve hung out a couple times, when I’ve been in town, but… I don’t think we’re interested in the same thing.” 

Dean almost smacks himself on the forehead. “I didn’t realize you were into dick, sorry.” 

“Oh, I’m not.” 

There’s a pause. Spencer doesn’t seem mad; his mouth is quirked in something resembling a smile, like he’s laughing at Dean for not asking the right questions. 

Is Spencer just like that, or is he not offering any more information because he wants this conversation to be over? 

Whatever. Dean’s curious. 

“So, you’re into chicks but not Lila friggin’ Archer? Are you telling me she’s not your type? 

“It’s not that,” Spencer says, smirking. 

Dean blinks a couple times. Emily told him the other day that everybody in the band except Hotch was single, so… he’s coming up blank. 

“You gotta give me a hint or something.”

“I’m not into sex,” Spencer says, rolling his eyes. 

“Oh.” Dean hesitates, taking a drink to hide his surprise. “Huh. Is that… huh. Are you — are you out, or whatever?” 

“I’m not not out.” Spencer shrugs. “Most people just assume, one way or the other, and I don’t bother to correct them. I just… don’t really care what people think about me, so if they don’t ask, I don’t bother. I’m not hiding anything, though.” 

“Huh,” Dean repeats. He has no idea what to say. 

“If I do tell them, most people argue with me anyway,” Spencer says wryly. “Tell me I’ll change my mind when I meet the right person, or whatever. I tell them they’re probably right and change the subject.” 

Dean huffs out a laugh. “That doesn’t piss you off?”

“Sorta, but…” Spencer grimaces, fidgeting for a second. “I don’t like confrontation, or whatever. It’s not important. I’d rather just… not talk about myself.”  

“Sorry for… y’know.” 

“No biggie.” 

Dean still feels awkward, but Spencer doesn’t seem bothered. He just sits there, tapping out a rhythm on the bar top, smiling to himself. 

Dean doesn’t do well with silences. 

It occurs to him that he has a peace offering: “Wanna come outside and smoke a joint with me? Could use some fresh air.” 

“Hell yes I do,” Spencer says, brightening immediately.  

They make their way backstage and then through the labyrinthine venue hallways until they come out at the back lot, where the buses are idling. Hotch is on his phone across the lot, and a bouncer near the fence is saying something into a walkie-talkie, but for the most part, it’s quiet. 

Dean lights the joint and offers Spencer the first hit, leaning back against the brick wall. 

“Y’know, nobody’s ever actually asked me about my sexuality,” Dean tells him, and he’s not in the habit of volunteering information like that, but it seems to get Spencer’s attention. 

“Really?” 

“I didn’t ever think about it, until… recently. But it’s true. A fuckload of interviews, over the years, and like you said, everybody just assumes.” 

“Because you don’t contradict people’s ideas of what a man should look like, or talk like, or dress like,” Spencer says bluntly. “As long as you fit within a certain box…” He shrugs, blowing smoke up at the sky. 

“Yeah, my dad was big on that box,” Dean says ruefully. “Wouldn’t he be proud?” 

“Bet it won’t take long for them to start asking. Not if you keep wearing nail polish.” 

Dean takes the joint and frowns at his hands. He hadn’t even thought about that. 

“Really? That’s all it takes?” he asks. 

Spencer just snorts. Dean’s stomach does a nervous flip-flop. 

He’s got an interview with Spin scheduled for next week, and he doubts anybody will comment right away, but eventually... eventually there will be questions. What will he say, if they ask? 

He’s still lost in thought, looking down at his free hand, as he exhales and passes to Spencer. With his eyes on the chipped green polish, it takes him a second to realize that Spencer hasn’t grabbed the joint. 

Dean looks up. Spencer is staring intently at something off to their side, and Dean follows his gaze over to the chain link fence and roll-away gate that separates them from the road. There’s a homeless woman there, hands over her ears, pacing back and forth. The security guy is saying something to her, his voice raised, as he starts to pull the gate open. 

Spencer moves abruptly, striding away from Dean without a word, and Dean hesitates for a second before pinching out the joint and following him. 

As he gets closer, Dean can make out what the bouncer is saying, in a loud, condescending voice like he’s talking to a toddler: “Move. Away. From. The. Gate. Jesus Christ, can you fuckin’ hear me?” 

The woman is muttering to herself agitatedly, and she flinches away from the guy’s voice, but she doesn’t look up from her feet as she paces. 

“What are you doing?” Spencer snaps at the guard. The edge in his tone makes Dean hurry to catch up. 

“She won’t get outta the way,” he says, rolling his eyes. He turns to the woman again and shouts, “Hell-looooo, anybody home?” 

“Have you tried speaking to her like she’s a goddamn human being?” Spencer says, low and clipped. 

“Whoa, hey,” Dean says uneasily. Not that he doesn’t want to head-butt this asshole, but Spencer’s a quarter of the guy’s mass, at best.

“You wanna give it a try?” the guy scoffs. “Trust me, she’s not getting the picture. I’m gonna call the cops.” He directs the last words at the woman, who’s still pacing, more and more agitated: “Crazy bitch.”

“You should apologize now,” Spencer says, sharp and quiet and ice-cold. Dean puts a hand on Spencer’s shoulder, and Spencer shoves it away without looking at him. 

The bouncer has the nerve to laugh. “Calm the fuck down, buddy.” 

“This is calm, and I’m not your fucking buddy,” Spencer snaps, taking another step closer. 

“Dude,” Dean interrupts. “Spencer, c’mon.” 

Spencer’s frozen for a moment, shaking with anger, but after a second, he steps back reluctantly. He reminds Dean of a hissing cat with its back arched and its claws exposed. 

“There you go, listen to your boyfriend,” the bouncer laughs. 

Dean considers him for a half-second, works up some saliva, and spits in his face. 

Everything moves quick and blurry after that; the guy shoves Dean back, cursing, and there’s a shout in the distance as he winds up. Before Dean can duck out of the way of the guy’s fist, Spencer steps in front of him — only to go flying, because he’s a fucking twig and should really know better. Dean sees red. He punches back. 

Then Hotch has the guy’s arms pinned behind his back, hauling him away, and Sam is grabbing Dean’s wrist before he can take another swing. Spencer grunts something incoherent from the ground. At least he’s conscious. 

“Motherfucker,” Dean snaps. “I’m fine, Sam, get off me.” He shakes out his smarting hand and glares daggers at the bouncer’s retreating back as Hotch and Rossi manhandle him into the building. Spencer makes a pained noise; he’s cupping his hands over his nose, and there’s blood dripping between his fingers. 

“Dean?” Cas is jogging over, Morgan behind him. He puts a hand on Dean’s arm, looking him up and down anxiously. “What happened?” 

“Don’t worry about me,” Dean says gruffly, and turns to Spencer. “You okay, kid?” 

“‘M fide,” Spencer mumbles. “Is she still…” 

Dean glances over. The woman is sitting with her back to the fence, curled up with her arms around her knees. 

“Fuck,” Dean mutters. “What should I —”

“I got it,” Cas tells him, and slips through the gate, approaching the woman with an easy, open smile. 

Cas was homeless for a while. Dean hates hearing him talk about it — not because it makes Cas sad, but exactly the opposite; he’s so matter-of-fact about the whole thing that it makes Dean sad. He tells stories, sometimes, and he’s completely fuckin’ blasé even when he’s talking about things that make Dean ache to think about. 

Dean hovers for a second. Sam is crouching next to Spencer, holding his balled-up flannel to Spencer’s nose, and Dean feels useless. There’s gotta be something he can do to help. 

Then he remembers something Cas said, once, and he turns his back on the scene and jogs off to the bus. 

He makes a beeline for the bunk under his, which is designated for storage. He’s got an almost-new backpack he’s been using as an overnighter, when he doesn’t want to lug his whole suitcase into a hotel; he dumps it out unceremoniously. 

He grabs a blanket first, the soft fleece one, rolling it up tight to stick it in the backpack. Then there’s a big hoodie, one Dean borrowed from their merch table the other day. He has a whole collection of tiny sealed soaps and shampoos from various hotels, and he runs to the kitchen to put them in a zip-lock bag. In the bathroom, he grabs a pack of wet wipes, the packaged spare toothbrush that Charlie keeps for “emergencies” — aka when she inevitably leaves hers at a hotel — and about half of their first aid kit. Then he ransacks the kitchen: several packs of ramen, a box of pop-tarts, couple bottles of water… he pauses, considering Sam’s nasty-ass granola bars, before tossing them in too. Sam can get more. He fishes the cash out of his wallet, shoves it in a zip-lock, and then closes the whole mess up. 

Then for a second he just freezes, looking down at the backpack, wondering if he’s being presumptuous or some shit. 

Dean’s always been suspicious of so-called “Good Samaritans.” Everything has strings attached. If it were him, he wouldn’t accept unsolicited help, but he’s been told that’s maybe a psychological flaw, not a virtue. 

Cas told him once about a woman named Hannah (he called her an angel) who gave him a backpack of supplies when he first ended up on the street. Said she probably saved his life. It’s one of those stories Dean doesn’t like to think about, but… he remembers. 

When he hustles back to the fence, Spencer is on his feet, Sam’s bloody flannel clutched to his face as he talks to Rossi and Morgan. 

Cas is still with the woman, who is on her feet, now, looking rattled but much calmer than she did before. Cas is talking to her in that direct, no-bullshit way he has; it’d be off-putting, from anybody else, but Cas is so earnest that it’s comforting instead. 

The woman looks wary, when she sees Dean approaching, so he hangs back until Cas comes to him. 

“I grabbed some stuff,” he says anxiously. “I didn’t know… is that weird? It’s just, like, shampoo and a blanket and — sorry. I didn’t know what to do.” 

Cas just stares at him for a second, his expression completely unreadable. Dean’s stomach sinks. 

“You remembered,” Cas says hoarsely, just as Dean opens his mouth to apologize.  

The back of Dean’s neck feels hot. “Yeah?” 

Cas gives him a quick, fierce, affectionate smile. He reaches out and squeezes Dean’s arm once before taking the bag. 

“There’s a shelter a couple blocks away. I’m going to walk her there. I’ll be back shortly.” 

He watches Cas go, and then he turns to see Spencer staring at them. Dean clears his throat uncomfortably. 

“Thanks, Schroeder,” he says. 

Spencer gives him that look again, like he has no idea what Dean is talking about. Maybe he’s concussed. He lowers the flannel, revealing a mess of dried blood and the beginnings of an impressive shiner. 

“Y’had my back,” he says thickly. Even through his rapidly-swelling nose, it sounds a lot like “Duh.” 

“The venue manager wants to talk to you,” Rossi announces. “Hotch saw enough to make it clear that the guy threw the first punch, so he’s most definitely getting fired, but just in case, they want it in your words.” 

“Fan-friggin-tastic,” Dean grouches. “Well, let’s get it over with. There’s a fuckin’ hot tub waiting for us, I’m ready to get the hell out of here.” 

“You sure you’re alright?” Rossi asks Spencer. “I swear, kid, you have the self-preservation instincts of a damn lemming.” 

“‘M’fide,” Spencer repeats, which is close enough to “fine,” apparently, that Rossi doesn’t push the issue. 

“You gotta be more careful with that pretty face of yours,” Morgan says, and Spencer flips him off. 

As he falls into step with Dean, heading back to the venue, Spencer mumbles, “Why d’I feel like I’b being sent t’the Princibal?” 

Dean chuckles, trying to imagine what a tiny (tinier) Spencer would’ve gotten in trouble for. 

“Hey, you mind tellin’ me why you just went feral on a guy who was the size of a fuckin’ hippo?” he asks.  

“Don’t like... bullies,” Spencer replies, clearly making an effort to enunciate. 

“Weren’t you just telling me how you try to avoid confrontation?”

“S’different.” Spencer shrugs. “Pisses me off. Don’t really care what happens to me, but —” 

“That’s healthy,” Dean needles. 

Spencer’s not looking at him, but his mouth twitches like he’s trying not to grin. “Takes one to know one.” 

Dean stops in his tracks and sputters for a second, turning a snort of laughter into a huff like he’s offended. Then he shakes his head and they keep walking.  

“Thanks,” Dean says again. “That was really fucking stupid, but thanks.” 

“You would’ve done the same for me,” Spencer says, like it’s a given.   

Dean smiles, because he’s right. Maybe he has more in common with Spencer than he thought. 

.

.

.

[gamerwoo]

Seventeen: Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart

Characters: Seventeen x female reader (it’s in first person which like i’ve never done before???)

Genre/warnings: idol au, christmas au, fluff, angst, smut (nothing too wild tbh it’s kinda vanilla), verbal abuse kinda????, mild violence, bullying, cheating, major character death

Word count: 6,055

Summary: In which you find that life works in very mysterious and sometimes odd ways, as does love and death. 

a/n: i think i’ve let the joke go on long enough but this is completely based off of horrible 1d wattpad fics so,,,,,,,good luck reading this lmao

I woke up to my mother pounding on my bedroom door. It wasn’t something uncommon, but it was still something I didn’t like. She was always mean to me. She wished she didn’t give birth to me, which was something she told me often.

“Y/N!” she shouted through the door before throwing it open. “Wake up and pack your things! You’re leaving!”

I sat up, my perfectly straight but still slightly wavy much like a model hair already perfectly falling down my back as if I didn’t even sleep. I rubbed my eyes, trying to comprehend her words.

“Mother, what are you talking about?” I asked.

“I sold you,” she stated.

My blue eyes widened in shock, “WHAT?!”

“Christmas is coming up and I needed money to pay for gifts,” she spat. “A man offered a good deal, so I sold you.”

I knew she was a single mother and struggled to make ends meet, but this was a new length even for her. How could she sell her own daughter? 

“Now hurry up,” she huffed. “Seventeen are waiting for you downstairs.”

I paused as I was about to get out of bed, my eyes finding my mother again, “D-did you say...S-S-Seventeen?”

No. There was no way she was serious. Seventeen couldn’t ever be my new owners, could they? They were my favorite kpop group ever, and with my luck, there was no way something that good could possibly happen to me. I was always such a klutz in school, how could something this great happen to a girl like me?

“Are you deaf? Of course I said Seventeen!” she shouted. “Now get your things and go before they decide to change their minds!”

As my mother slammed my door shut, I quickly got out of bed and threw on whatever I could find -- black leggings with a white crop top that showed off my slim figure, and a denim jacket. I slid on my Converse and quickly packed my things before I ran to the bathroom. Despite looking flawless, I silently complained to myself that I didn’t have time to put makeup on my milky skin. I threw my hair into a perfect messy bun before brushing my teeth and running downstairs to come face to face with...

Seventeen.

I almost fainted, but I knew my mother would yell at me for it.

S.Coups stood in front of the group, smiling his classic perfect smile that always made my melt. He stepped forward to introduce him and the group

He smiled, “Say the name!”

“Hello, we are Seventeen!” they all said in unison as they bowed.

I couldn’t believe they were real and right in front of me. They looked even more beautiful in person!

“You must be Y/N,” Jeonghan smiled his angelic smile. “We’re happy to meet you.”

“We’ll take good care of you!” Dokyeom promised with a bright grin.

“S.Coups-hyung, we should get going!” Dino advised with a worried look. “We don’t want to be late for our flight. We have a schedule to stick to.”

“Yah, I know,” S.Coups sighed.

“Come on, Y/N,” Jisoo smiled as he walked over to grab my bags. I knew he would be a gentleman but I didn’t even have to ask! “Let’s get going!”

And as I left my old life behind with Seventeen, I didn’t look back once.

♡━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡

I love living with Seventeen. They were even nicer than I could’ve imagined, but I couldn’t help but notice something strange. All of them always seemed to be staring at me, and sometimes I would catch them staring. Some members like Jisoo or Dino would quickly look away as their cheeks turned pink, but others like Mingyu or Hoshi would continued to eye me up and down. I couldn’t figure out why.

They were so sweet, though. They would offer to do almost everything for me. It was a much better life than my old one back at home.

“Y/N, let me get that for you!” Wonwoo insisted as he rushed over to open the door to the hotel we were staying at for the night.

“No, I’ve got it,” Woozi said before grabbing the handle and pulling the door open.

“Thank you, oppa,” I giggled before entering the building behind a few of the other members.

After we checked in, it was time to pick rooms.

“I call dibs sharing with Y/N!” Seungkwan called.

“No fair!” Dino whined. “I want to share with noona!”

“I’m older, so I get to,” Mingyu stated.

“I’m the leader, so I get to,” S.Coups spoke up over everyone, crossing his arms over his chest with a smirk on his face, figuring he’d won.

“Or,” Jisoo began before gesturing to me, ��we can let Y/N pick.”

Thirteen pairs of eyes landed on me, and I shrunk backwards. How could I pick? How could anybody pick just one person in Seventeen to room with?! Couldn’t I room with all of them somehow?

Wonwoo seemed to pick up on how flustered I was, and spoke up, “Let’s not put pressure on her. We can play a game to figure it out.”

“Gawi bawi bo!” Dino immediately shouted.

The thirteen boys gathered in a circle to play gawi bawi bo to decide who would room with me. I watched from the sidelines, trying not to giggle too loudly or pass out completely. It was like they were fighting over me!

The first members out were Jun, Woozi, Mingyu, and Vernon. Mingyu frowned and sulked as he walked away from the circle. Woozi seemed almost annoyed, while Jun tried to hide his disappointment by laying his head on Vernon’s shoulder.

The next members out were S.Coups, Jisoo, Hoshi, and The8. S.Coups and Hoshi both cursed, but quickly apologized to me for swearing in front of me. Jisoo was a total gentleman about it -- as expected -- while The8 went to silently stand by Jun, the two of them talking in Chinese to each other, so I didn’t know what they were saying.

It finally came down to Jeonghan and Dino, and Jeonghan kept teasing the younger, saying the baby wouldn’t win. Everybody was watching intently, especially me as they went for the final round.

And...

“Yay!” Dino cheered seeing that his rock beat out Jeonghan’s scissors. “Y/N, you’re my roommate!”

You giggled and clapped your hands together, bouncing on the balls of you feet, “I can’t wait!”

So the rest of the members split off into pairs and found their rooms, and Dino led the way to the room we’d be sharing. But walking into the room, we both noticed something very different than what we were expecting.

“W-why is there only one queen bed?” I asked quietly.

Dino turned and poked his head out into the hallway, finding their manager still there to make sure everybody got into their rooms okay.

“Manager? Is there a reason our room only has one bed? Shouldn’t we have two?” he asked.

“Ah, some of the rooms have singles,” the manager explained. “Why, is that a problem?”

I didn’t want to make somebody change rooms, so I quickly spoke up, “No, that’s okay!”

Dino just shrugged and closed the door.

“Well,” he sighed, “it’s getting kinda late, so we should probably get comfy.”

“Y-yeah,” I stuttered, too shy to look Dino in the eyes.

In the commotion of getting into the hotel, I didn’t realize that my luggage was left in our cars. I gasped when I realized only Dino’s suitcase was here, and he looked up from where he was unzipping his suitcase to look at me.

“Is everything okay?” he asked.

“All of my clothes are in the van!” I cried.

“That’s okay,” he smiled, “you can borrow something of mine.”

Dino grabbed a t-shirt and some sweats, handing them over to me and telling me I could use the bathroom to change first. I blushed as I took them and walked into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. Dino’s clothes smelled like him and it made my heart flutter.

I put on his clothes. I was practically drowning in them from how tiny and petite I am. His shirt was more like a dress, reaching the middle of my thighs. His sweatpants fell off my body, so I couldn’t wear them, leaving me in just a t-shirt and underwear.

I left the bathroom and noticed Dino had quickly changed while I was changing. He turned to look at me when the door opened, his mouth falling open in awe. To him, I looked so adorable in his clothes. But the fact his pants were in my hand and not on my body had him thinking other things as well.

“S-sorry, the sweats didn’t fit...” I shyly told him as I handed them back.

“T-that’s okay,” he stammered as he took them and put them back in his suitcase. “A-anyway, let’s go to bed.”

We both went over to our respective sides and pulled the blankets back before getting in. Dino shut off the lights with the switch on the wall by the nightstand before he got comfortable and closed his eyes.

“Comfy?” he asked.

“W-well...” I began, unsure if I should say what I wanted to.

“What is it, Y/N?” he asked as he rolled over to face me. “You can tell me anything.”

“I-I’m...kind of...afraid of...t-the...dark...”

“O-oh,” he stammered. “Well, um, I could, um...cuddle you if that helps...”

My cheeks heated up, and I was happy that the room was dark so he couldn’t see my blush, “S-sure...”

I felt Dino’s arms wrap around me, pulling me into his warm body. My face nuzzled into his chest as we both got comfortable, our legs tangling together.

“Better?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

“I won’t let anything get to you, Y/N, I promise. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Dino.”

And then I drifted off to sleep in his arms.

♡━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡

Things between the members were starting to get tense, but I didn’t know why. It was a gradual thing that I didn’t notice at first, but I started to tell that they were more passive aggressive with each other sometimes. But today in particular, it was really bad. It was like everybody was just in a bad mood as they sat around their dorm’s living room together.

“S.Coups-hyung, could you pass the remote?” Mingyu asked.

“No, I’m using it,” he snapped.

“No you’re not,” Woozi pointed out.

“You pulled the same thing yesterday!” Jeonghan reminded him.

The room suddenly erupted into shouting and yelling and arguing, and I just sat there in the middle of it, not knowing what was going on. I could hardly make out anything they were saying but I tried my best to keep up as well as try to calm them down.

“Just admit you’re hogging Y/N!” one of them accused.

“So are you!”

I was so confused. What did I have to do with anything?

“Wait!” I shouted above all of them, standing up. “Is all this fighting over me?”

“We all really like you, Y/N,” Jisoo admitted with a sigh.

“But some of us won’t give anybody else a chance,” Hoshi sneered, his gaze on some of the younger members.

More bickering broke out despite by best efforts to stop it. And before I knew it, they were standing up and shoving each other and grabbing at each other and being physically aggressive. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I had to do something!

“She should be with me!” one member insisted.

“No, with me!” another said.

“Fuck both of you, it should be me!” another chimed in.

I tried to put myself between some of them to separate them, but they’d just move out of the way and continue or go after somebody else. I couldn’t stop their fighting no matter how much I pleaded. My chest felt tight and I felt like I was getting lightheaded.

Before I could say anything or do anything else, all I saw was black.

♡━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡

“Y/N?”

Somebody was softly calling my name. I wasn’t sure who it was or what had happened. I couldn’t remember anything as my eyes fluttered open, looking up into the eyes of Wonwoo. He was one of the most soft spoken members, so I was surprised my head ended up cradled in his lap as he looked down at me with a soft smile, one of his hands smoothing back my hair.

“You’re okay!” he grinned. “How do you feel?”

“Dizzy...” I groaned as I tried to sit up.

He helped me up. I was in the lobby of their building their dorm was located in, so I was confused as to how I ended up here.

“I figured you should get out of such a crowded room and get some fresh air,” Wonwoo explained in his deep voice that I always loved to hear -- even if Ididn’t hear it often. “The guys are still upstairs. They feel really bad about what happened and they stopped arguing. Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “I think I just got overwhelmed.”

“That’s understandable."

The two of us stood up from the couch we were on and decided to go back up to the dorm to check on everybody. Thankfully, everything was quiet when we got back. Everybody seemed to be in their separate rooms to cool off, but as soon as the door closed, heads poked out of doors before they all rushed over to apologize.

“Yah!” Wonwoo called over them. “Let’s give Y/N a little space, okay?”

“Don’t ‘yah’ us, punk,” Jeonghan scolded.

Still, they did as he said and gave me a little more space. They asked how I was feeling and if they could get me anything. Despite insisting I was fine, DK went to go make some soup while Vernon handed me a bottle of water to drink.

The boys guided me over to the couch, and I decided to check my phone to pass some time. However, I noticed something odd. My social media was being blown up, and photos of me laying with my head in Wonwoo’s lap in the lobby were everywhere. And none of the comments on it were good either. Between calling me ugly or saying death threats because they thought we were dating. My eyes filled with tears while I read them before I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I dropped my phone and ran out of the dorm, ignoring the boys calling me to come back and asking what was wrong. I took the stairs instead of the elevator before running out the door of the lobby and into the night, wanting to get as far away from the dorm as possible. I tugged up my hood and kept my head down as I ran, unsure of where I planned to go but knowing anywhere was better than there.

I wasn’t sure how long I was gone for, but I sat on a bench alone and cried silently. I did my best not to draw attention to myself, and it worked out well since nobody came up to bother me. At least, not for a while.

I sensed somebody sitting next to me on the bench on my right. I didn’t lift my head, though. I stayed with my arms wrapped around my knees on the bench, keeping my face buried in my knees.

“I saw the comments,” Wonwoo’s familiar voice said.

I looked up, my tear-filled eyes finding him beside me, “How’d you find me?”

He just shrugged before continuing, “I’m sorry about all of that.”

“It’s not your fault,” I mumbled.

“But for what it’s worth, I don’t care what anybody says. You’re none of the awful things they said. You’re beautiful and smart and kind, Y/N. And...and I love you.”

My heart fluttered hearing him say those things, “R-really? You love me?”

“Of course I do,” he smiled. “How could I not?”

“I-I love you too, Wonwoo,” I told him.

And then he leaned in and connected our lips with a soft, sweet kiss.

♡━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡

Pledis was quick to catch onto the dating rumors, and they immediately went to Wonwoo to ask about it. He confirmed it, stating he didn’t care if people didn’t like it. He loved me, and that was that. So that’s the statement Pledis released. I couldn’t care about the haters. I loved Wonwoo and I wanted to be with him.

To celebrate our relationship, the boys decided to throw a party. Everybody was just really happy for us, and I was happy for us, so a party seemed like the perfect idea. It was a huge party, too, with tons of other idols and lots of food and drinks and music and dancing. It was all absolutely perfect.

Wonwoo had gone off to talk to some of his idol friends that he didn’t get to talk to very often, and I stayed on the dance floor. I definitely had more drinks than I normally would, but I didn’t care. I continued to dance to the music, swaying my hips to the beat in a way that was hypnotizing -- especially to one person.

I felt warm hands grip my hips and pull them back toward the person. I was only wearing short shorts and a crop top, so I could feel the material of their clothes against my skin.

“You’re so beautiful, you know that, Y/N?” Jisoo’s familiar voice whispered in my ear above the loud music, his breath fanning my ear. “I wish it were me that you ended up with.”

I wasn’t thinking right. The alcohol, the heat, and the way Jisoo’s hands held my hips as he swayed with me was making my head feel cloudy. So I spun around, placing my hands on his shoulders, and pressed my mouth to his. My hips ground against his as our tongues fought for dominance, my hands moving up to tangle in his hair.

“Do you wanna get out of here?” Jisoo mumbled into the kiss.

I eagerly nodded. He took my hand and began to lead me through the crowd and out the door. He flagged down a cab to take us back to the dorm, and neither of us could seem to keep our hands off of each other in the backseat of the cab. He paid the driver before we got out and went into the building, taking the elevator instead of the stairs. His lips found mine as soon as the doors closed, pushing me up against one of the walls as his tongue pushed into my mouth, dancing with my own. 

Before I knew it, our clothes were ripped off, and I was falling back onto his bed. He crawled over me and pressed his lips back to mine while his fingers moved down to my core, immediately pushing two into me. I moaned out and arched my back at the feeling.

“Jisoo-oppa,” I cried as his fingers hit my g-spot.

He smirked as he took in my blissed out expression, “Are you gonna cum for me, baby girl?”

I came hard around his fingers, dragging my nails down his back and leaving red marks in their wake. Jisoo pulled his fingers out of my heat and put them in his mouth, making eye contact with me as he cleaned my release off his digits. I felt my cheeks heat up under his gaze but I couldn’t look away from him. He was so captivating.

Without warning, he slipped his cock into me. I let out a gasp at the feeling that turned into a loud moan from how he stretched me out. He started out at a hard and fast pace immediately, pulling loud moans from me as his hips snapped into mine.

“Does that feel good, Y/N?” he grunted as my legs wrapped around his waist.

“Yes, oppa,” I whined. “Fuck yes!”

He continued to relentlessly hit the spot that had me seeing stars. His nails dug into my hips as I clenched around him and came all over his cock, crying out his name loudly. He came soon after, filling me with his cum. It was a good thing I was on the pill. 

Jisoo pulled out of me and flopped down on the bed beside me as I tried to catch my breath. 

“That was fun,” he smirked.

We both fell asleep almost immediately.

♡━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡

I awoke to the sun hitting my eyes. I yawned and stretched, squinting against the light. As my brain started to wake up bit by bit, my eyes scanned the room, realizing I wasn’t in a room I was used to. 

Then I saw Jisoo beside me, who still looked absolutely perfect despite the fact he had a lot to drink last night and was also deeply asleep. Not a hair was out of place, he wasn’t snoring or drooling, and he looked like a male model.

That was when I remembered everything that happened the night before. I shot up in bed, the covers falling from my naked body. I frick fracked with Jisoo!

Hurriedly, I got out of bed and scrambled to find my clothes. After getting dressed, I left his bedroom. Thankfully, nobody was around to see. However, I could hear soft crying coming from the bathroom not too far from Jisoo’s room. I walked down the hall and slowly turned the knob, realizing it was unlocked. So I opened the door and saw Wonwoo sitting on the lid of the toilet with his head in his hands as he cried.

“Wonwoo?” I asked as I rushed in to comfort him. “What’s wrong?”

He looked up at me with bloodshot eyes and the most hurt expression I’d ever seen. It shattered my heart into a million pieces.

“You cheated on me!” he sobbed as he showed me his phone. There were articles about Jisoo and I all over the internet. “I can’t believe you’d do that, YN! I trusted you! I loved you!”

I shook my head quickly, “Wonwoo, you don’t understand--”

“Leave me alone!” he shouted as he stood up, pointing to the door.

I left the bathroom in tears, unsure how to fix the mistake I’d made. I hurt the boy I loved the most and I wasn’t sure if I could ever make it up to him.

♡━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡

It had been a week and I hadn’t spoken to Wonwoo since. I actually hadn’t seen him at all despite living in the same dorm. Everybody obviously knew what happened, but only half the boys were angry with me. They either ignored me or lectured me before, but I knew they weren’t happy with me. But I was drunk when it happened! I made a mistake.

“You can’t mope forever, Y/N,” a familiar voice said from the entrance to the kitchen.

I turned around, almost afraid of who I’d find, but I felt better when I saw who it was, “Oh, it’s just you, The8-oppa.”

He walked over to the fridge and grabbed the carton of juice as he kept talking, “I know you’re upset about Wonwoo-hyung, but you can’t dwell on it. You either have to get over him or do something about it.”

“I want to do something about it,” I told him, “I just don’t know what. How am I supposed to fix this?”

The8 turned to look at me as he drank his juice, leaning up against the counter, “Have you tried talking to him and explaining the situation?”

“He won’t even look at me.”

“You did sleep with one of his best friends,” Seungkwan interjected as he entered the kitchen as well, “can you blame him?”

“Seungkwan-ah!” The8 scolded him sharply.

“Sorry, hyung,” Seungkwan muttered, rolling his eyes.

“Anyway,” the older boy continued, “maybe you should try doing some big gesture for him. Prove you love him.”

My eyes suddenly brightened as I got an idea. I smiled widely at The8, running over to him and giving him a big hug, “That’s perfect, thank you, oppa!”

He chuckled, patting my back, “No problem.”

I raced off to my room and closed the door. I grabbed my phone and took to social media, posting my favorite picture of Wonwoo and I. I then proceeded to pour out my heart and feelings, hoping that this would somehow reach him since he refused to speak to me.

‘I know everybody hates me and I know I made a mistake. I was drunk and stupid. But I know I love Wonwoo more than anything or anyone. I hope he can forgive me one day because my heart is his and I don’t want anybody else. ❤’

I hit post and then waited nervously, unsure what to do next. I knew looking at comments wouldn’t help me, so all I could do was try to distract myself until I knew if Wonwoo saw it. So I got off of my bed and went out into the living room, sitting myself beside DK since the bigger couch was taken up by Mingyu, S.Coups, and Vernon -- they were all upset with me. 

My mind managed to be distracted by the variety show playing on the TV, so I was surprised when I heard a familiar, deep voice say my name. All eyes looked over to see Wonwoo standing in the living room, looking at me with an expression I couldn’t quite read. All of the members were surprised he was talking to me, as was I.

I got to my feet, and Wonwoo walked over to me. He towered over me, looking down at me as his face broke out into a smile and he held my face between his hands.

“I couldn’t ever stay mad at you,” he told me before pressing his lips to mine in a sweet kiss, and the rest of Seventeen cheered.

He pulled away with a playful smirk, whispering in my ear, “Let’s take this back to my room, yeah?”

I nodded with a soft giggle as he took my hand and led me back to his bedroom. As soon as his door closed, we were all over each other, but it was more needy than heated like it was with Jisoo. It was like we fit together perfectly, and I missed being in his arms and having his lips on mine. 

He guided me over to the bed and laid me down as he slowly and gently removed my clothes, his lips never leaving my skin. He murmured praises against my skin that had me bushing, but I couldn’t bring myself to shy away from him because I had missed being with him so much.

“I love you,” he murmured against my lips.

“I love you, too, Wonwoo,” I breathed.

I felt his cock slide into my entrance, pulling a moan from my lips. My arms and legs wrapped around him, holding him against my body as he thrust into me in slow, deep thrusts that hit just the right spots every time.

“You feel so good,” he groaned, nuzzling into my neck and sucking hickeys there. “I missed you so much.”

I couldn’t even reply from how good he felt inside me. I bit down on my bottom lip as I moved my hips up to meet his thrusts.

“F-fuck, oppa,” I moaned. “I’m g-gonna c-cum.”

“W-wait, I’m close,” he breathed. “I want you t-to cum with m-me.”

Wonwoo continued to thrust into me, and I could tell he was getting close because his moans were getting louder and higher in pitch. His eyes squeezed closed as he moaned out “cum for me” and released into me. I came around his cock, dropping my head back and crying out his name.

After we’d both come down from our highs, he pulled out of me and laid down beside me. I curled up in his arms as he pressed a kiss to my forehead.

“I love you, Y/N,” he whispered.

“I love you, too, Wonwoo.”

♡━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡

“Thank you all for coming out to our Christmas Eve concert to celebrate the holiday!” S.Coups smiled as he spoke into his mic, looking out into the crowd. “We’re really happy we get to spend Christmas Eve with Carats!”

I stood backstage, watching the concert. So far, it was a lot of fun to watch. They were all so energetic and it was obvious the crowd was having a lot of fun as well. Even I was bouncing around backstage and singing along. But I’ve always been a big fan of Seventeen.

“We should go around and say what we want for Christmas!” Dino suggested.

“Wait, but Santa’s not--”

“Yah, hyung!” Jun cut off Jeonghan before he could finish his sentence. “You can’t say that.”

“Anyway,” S.Coups continued, “let’s do Dino’s idea. I want all of Carats’ love for Christmas!”

His statement caused the crowd to go into a screaming frenzy, which made him laugh.

“You know what I want for Christmas?” Jeonghan asked with an almost evil smirk. He put an arm around Dino’s shoulders and pulled him closer. “Dino nugu aegi?”

Dino sighed, “Jeonghan-hyung’s aegi.”

Jeonghan smiled proudly, “Exactly!”

“I want our Carats to be happy and healthy,” Jisoo smiled.

He definitely was the gentleman of the group.

“I’d like to see my family for Christmas,” Jun admitted. “I miss them a lot.”

I did feel bad for Jun when he said that. It must’ve been hard being away from home and not getting to see your family for Christmas. But I knew the boys would do their best to make his Christmas enjoyable and fun still.

“I want to spend Christmas with Carats!” Hoshi shouted as he made a heart over his head, causing even more screams.

Wonwoo’s turn was next, and I anxiously awaited his reply. We promised each other we wouldn’t get gifts for one another, but I was still curious as to what he wanted for Christmas.

“Actually, what I want for Christmas...” he began before looking off stage toward where I was, “I’d need Y/N out here.”

I didn’t know why, but my heartbeat was suddenly much faster. I walked out on stage, feeling my legs shaking with each step I took. I tried not to look out at the sea of people, keeping my eyes either on the floor or on Wonwoo. He smiled encouragingly as he took my hand, holding the mic in his other hand.

“Y/N, you make me so happy,” he told me, “I don’t care what anybody else says. I don’t care if people don’t like our relationship. I love you more than anything. And that’s why, for Christmas...”

I watched as Wonwoo got down on one knee, reaching into his pocket and fishing out a small black velvet box. He opened the lid and I saw a sparkling diamond ring inside. I gasped as I covered my mouth with both hands, looking down at Wonwoo with tear-filled eyes. He couldn’t be serious, could he?

“I want you to be mine,” he stated. “Y/L/N Y/N, will you marry me?”

I couldn’t even manage to speak, so all I could do was quickly nod my head. Wonwoo grinned as he stood back up and wrapped his arms around me, kissing me sweetly. I could hear the rest of the members cheering, and most of the fans cheering as well for our engagement.

He slid the ring on my finger, whispered one more I love you, and then sent me off backstage again so they could continue their concert. I couldn’t stop staring at the ring as I decided to go outside to get some air. It was very stuffy, and with all the excitement, I was feeling really overheated.

As I walked out back where the buses were parked, I ran into a group of Seventeen fans that must’ve left the venue to look for me, because they definitely didn’t look happy when they saw me.

“It’s Y/N!” one of them called.

“You shouldn’t be with Wonwoo, you ugly bitch!” another called as they rushed toward me.

I went to run away and go back inside, but they caught up to me and pushed me down. They began punching and kicking me as I screamed for help, but I couldn’t be heard over the concert.

Before I knew it, all I saw was black.

♡━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡

I woke up in an unfamiliar room. The walls and ceiling were all white, the lights were really bright, and it smelled like a doctor’s office. 

The fuzziness was starting to leave my mind, and I realized I was surrounded by a bunch of familiar faces. Seventeen crowded the hospital room I was laying in, and I could hear the beeps from the monitors I was hooked up to.

“She’s awake,” S.Coups gasped.

Hoshi quickly ducked out into the hallway to get the doctor.

“How do you feel, Y/N?” Vernon wondered.

I ran a hand through my hair. Despite what I’d gone through, my hair was still perfectly silky and untangled.

“Like I got hit by a truck,” I groaned. “What happened?”

“Well,” the doctor began as he stepped into the room, hearing the conversation as he entered, “you got beat up pretty badly. It was so bad that we had to perform surgery.”

“Surgery?!” I gasped.

The doctor nodded gravely, “You needed a heart transplant, but it was definitely a very difficult procedure. You’re a very lucky girl that both of you survived.”

The first thing I wanted was to see Wonwoo, but as I scanned the faces, I couldn’t find him. All twelve boys were there but Wonwoo was nowhere to be seen. My eyes landed on the leader.

“Where’s Wonwoo?” I asked.

S.Coups hesitated for a moment before asking, “Who do you think gave you the heart?”

My breath caught in my throat, “Did he...?”

“He didn’t make it,” the doctor confirmed. “He gave you his heart so you could live.”

I burst out into sobs. I couldn’t believe Wonwoo would do that. What was I supposed to do without him? I loved him!

“Wait,” I looked up at the doctor as S.Coups stepped forward to comfort me, “you said ‘both of you survived’. Who...?”

“Do you not know?” the doctor asked, only confusing me more. “Y/N, you’re pregnant.”

I gasped. Pregnant? All eyes were on me, all of Seventeen looking absolutely shocked. 

It caused even more worries. How would I raise the baby on my own? Wonwoo never even got to know I was pregnant, and he’d never even get to see the baby. While I was still very upset, I placed my hands over my stomach that already had a little bump, happy that I’d at least always have a little bit of Wonwoo with me.

♡━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡

[ONE YEAR LATER]

“Mommy? What was daddy like?”

I smiled down at my son as he stared at Wonwoo’s headstone, touching the cool stone with his mitten-clad hand, “He was very smart and very kind. You’re just like him, Wonwoo Jr.”

Wonwoo Jr smiled up at me happily, “Really?! When I grow up, I wanna be just like daddy!”

Even though Wonwoo Jr never got to meet his dad, I felt it was important to bring him to his grave on the anniversary. I wanted him to know about Wonwoo even if he had a different father in his life now.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Mingyu chuckled as he picked Wonwoo Jr up in his arms, “don’t go thinking too far ahead. Mommy and I don’t want you to grow up too fast!”

It only made sense when Mingyu and I got together. He had always been my bias, so we were very quick to fall in love after Wonwoo died. Plus he was Wonwoo’s best friend, and his dying wish was for Mingyu to take care of me and look after me. So we got married very quickly, and Mingyu even adopted Wonwoo Jr.

Wonwoo Jr giggled as he wrapped his arms around Mingyu’s neck, “Okay, daddy!”

I smiled up at my two favorite boys in the world, feeling happier than I’d ever been, “I love both of you so much.”

“We love you too, mommy!” Wonwoo Jr chirped.

“Very, very much,” Mingyu agreed before pressing a sweet kiss to my lips.

[cocoisbestgirl]

Fanfic I can’t think of  a name for pt 6

Magda looked around the frozen garden, she didn’t see anybody. She wasn’t sure if she even wanted to. She just savored the alone time like the finest wine, which she had also had today. She thought it was just fruit juice until her head started to fuzz up. Apparently, she could hold her alcohol at least fairly well according to noble standards. She quickly got over the thought and continued to walk. She didn’t even notice how frozen it was outside. 

She sat down on the side of a fountain that wasn’t running due to the freezing cold.  She took a deep breath before finally relaxing her back. If only she could take the corset off, even for a minute. She could barely breathe much less move with the stupid thing on. The earrings Magda wore made her ears itch from being so cold. They almost felt like they were burning. 

She didn’t even care anymore, she grabbed the earrings and took them out. She didn’t know where to put them so she sat them down beside her. She massaged her earlobes with her index and thumb for a few seconds before standing up.

She wanted to go back to the ball, she really did. She just ...couldn't for some reason. Something was holding her back. So, she just sat back down. She looked down at the snow-covered earth. She used to hate winters. It was always...so...so cold. She always had to huddle up with other children, and sometimes Orens for warmth. Now she was willingly sitting in the cold. But this time around she had a full belly, clothes, jewelry. What was she to be upset about? She got her wish. She had a job...kinda.. and a nice home. She didn’t know what she was missing so much.

What about her childhood did she forget? Why was she so selfish? She had NOTHING and now she had more than most people could ever dream. Yet, she still was missing something. Magda’s thoughts raced and a few tears came to her eyes. 

Her tears had no reason to be there. She wasn’t sad, frustrated, or even happy. She just...was. Magda took off her glove and wiped at her eyes. She had no makeup on, so she had nothing to worry about. 

Magda came out of her trance when something snapped, she whipped her head around.

“Ah! Sorry sorry! I didn’t mean to sneak up on you!”

Magda sighed in relief it was just Alan, who had put his hands up at she looked at him. 

“Oh! Please, don’t worry. I’m fine.” Magda felt another warm tear go down her face but didn’t want to wipe it and bring more attention to herself than needed.

“Err...were you-?”

“Yeah, It’s just a lot to take in.” Magda interrupted.

Alan gestured next to Magda, “Is it okay if I- Ah! Sorry! What’s wrong?”

“I-I,” Magda stuttered to get her words out, “I have no idea. I’m sorry. I’m a mess.”

“No! Don’t worry you’re fine. I’m sure finding out your whole life has been a lie has been difficult! I have to say I really admire you..”

“Hmm?” Magda looked at the boy sitting beside her.

“Well... I’m from the slums too... and I grew up even better off than you did. Ah! I didn’t mean it like that! Sorry...”

“Don’t worry. It’s fine. you’re completely right I didn’t grow up with much.”

“And yet...you turned out so well. You’re amazing, Magda!” He smiled brightly at Magda, making her blush slightly.’

“I only did what I had to do to survive. I have some regrets of course..”

 Alan smiled, “I’m kind of sad we didn't know each other as kids. You’d have probably been my friend.”

Magda slumped down a bit, he really didn’t remember her.

“Wh-why did you come to look for me?”

“Well, I wa...I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Magda felt a smile creep up her lips for a second.

“People noticed you not being there, so they came to me. ”

The smile went away.

“Oh.. I should be getting back, It’s getting late..” Magda stood up, “Goodbye.”

Alan tried to get another sentence out to her, but all he could muster was a small-

“Goodbye…”

The blonde boy looked at the earrings laying abandoned on the fountain.

“It feels weird. It tingles.”

“Yeah, it does that. Means it’s cleaning your pores.” Felicity said as she applied another layer of the face mask onto Magda, “This stuff is not cheap.”

Magda’s face was covered in a pink mud-like substance, which she had never seen before. Mud masks were fairly common in the slums, but pink masks? She had never heard of them even once. 

“If it starts to burn, tell me immediately. I don’t want you getting hives.”

“When are we gonna get rid of my scars?”

“Ah...yeah...about that..” Felicity started as she put down the container that held the mask in it down on her vanity, “You’re...keeping them.”

“W-what? But you said-”

“Magda, I know what I said, I’m sorry. Scar stuff is super expensive. Like.. a lot of nobles can’t afford it. We barely can, We’ve had one container for around 10 years. Mother said that unless it's disfiguring we can’t, and shouldn’t, do anything. In her own words, we need your scars to make the story sound more realistic.”

“B-but that’s not fair..”

“Life isn’t fair. I know how you feel.”

“You don’t though…” Magda whispered to herself.

“Uh...um... So..”

“Yeah…”

“Miss! Miss!” A maid knocked on the door and came in, “Miss Magda! You have a letter!”

“Oh...thank you,” Magda said as the took the letter out of its envelope.

The maid quickly left and Felicity looked over Magda’s shoulder. 

Felicity barely had to even look at the letter to recognize what it was for. The stamp was from a lower noble family that had nearly fallen off of the radar but somehow kept its place in the social circle despite almost nothing being spoken of the family. When it came to nobility even bad gossip was more likely to keep your family high in the social circle than no gossip at all. 

‘If you want to be important be memorable.’ Felicity thought to herself as she leaned over Magda’s shoulders.

“Geez Magda, already a proposal?”

“That’s how nobles propose? Sending letters?”

“Sometimes yes sometimes no, it may be a love letter,” Felicity shrugged her shoulders, “Come on read it!”

Magda laughed a little bit and covered her mouth.

“Oh, now you have to tell me!” Felicity tried to snatch the letter away from Magda, but Magda avoided it.

“Well,” Magda started.

She dramatically cleared her throat and stood up.

“Dear Magda Ellenstein!” Magda spoke in a male impersonation that was meant to make fun of the letter’s sender, “I humbly offer you my love and devotion! When I saw you at the ball today I couldn’t help but fall for your grace and beauty!”

“Beauty, yeah sure I guess. Grace?! What is that man thinking!” Felicity chuckled.

“Felicity, be quiet! I’m getting to the good part!”

Magda continued reading the letter, it was filled with some of the most cringe-worthy...well they were probably supposed to be compliments anyway. Half the things in the letter made no sense. It was also filled with little doodles of hearts, and a bird...for some reason.

“Wow, So can I start called you the slum noble now?” Felicity mocked the letter.

“Absolutely not! You are to call me the noble in the shadows from now on!”

The girls burst into laughter in near unison.

“This can’t be real! It has to be a joke! There is no way!” Felicity laughed loudly and stood up from her seat, “Man, Magda. Thanks for the laugh. It’s getting pretty late though.”

The girls looked out the window and saw the dark sky dotted with stars.

“Yeah, I suppose so.”

Felicity handed Magda a rag to wash her face off with.

“Yeah make sure to bundle up tonight!” Felicity said giving Magda a wink.

Magda tilted her yeah and nodded before heading back to her room. She had never felt so happy to get rid of clothes before. She grabbed some of the thickest sleepwear she had and slipped right into bed.

The cold night seeped in through her window, but she knew that it wouldn’t help if she closed the curtains. She liked the sight of the moon, anyway.

“Magda. Maaagda. Magda!”

“Ah!” Magda shot up in bed before rubbing her eyes.

“I didn’t mean actually go to bed. Just pretend.”

“It’s,” Magda looked over at her window, “It’s late Felicity.”

They both whispered to each other to not wake up Eliza.

“We are gonna sneak out.”

“W-what? Won’t Mis...Mother get mad?”

“Worst she can do is ground me, she won’t do anything to you. Yet. At least right now you're her star child.”

“What would we even do? It’s too late for most things. I’m sure all nobles are sleeping.”

“We don’t really have to do anything. Just sneak out. Do our thing. Everybody does it. Besides the civilians in the slums are some of the best!”

Before Magda could respond Felicity pulled her out of bed, and picked her up.

“Wow you’re light,” Felicity blushed a little “A-anyway. I hope you like gardens.”

Magda had to admit the gardens were quite pretty at nighttime. Sure it was winter, but the trees themselves were very nice. The girls had snuck into the Ellenstein Garden. It wasn’t really even sneaking out, but it was a bit of an adventure.

“So! See anybody important making googly eyes at you, hm?”

“A-ah...no. Not as far as I know.”

“Do you have googly eyes for somebody?”

Magda blushed slightly and looked down. 

“He...doesn’t care for me. I’m sure he wants to befriend me but nothing more..”

“Who is he? I’ll beat ‘em up if you want!” Felicity joked, only to look at Magda’s face and realize. Magda was...definitely not in the joking mood.

“No, he’s nice and all. It’s just...he doesn’t seem... he doesn’t seem to... Well, it’s just a feeling.”

“Magda, girl-code! You can’t not tell me!”

“Girl-code? Is that a book?”

“Uh...um...no..yes? It’s unspoken rules basically. Like if a girl had lipstick on their teeth you tell them.”

“Well if you want to know that bad, who do you have a crush on?”

“I asked you first!”

“I asked second!”

Felicity grumbled for a few seconds, “Barris...happy?”

“Barris Sakan?”

“Yeah, yeah I know-”

“I hope you have good luck with him! You two would be cute together!”

“N-nobody's ...thank you Magda. Anyway, I have your love interests narrowed down by now.”

“What?”

“It’s either Alan,Ivan, Balfey, or Xavier.”

“I only know one..” Magda admitted.

Felicity stopped in her tracks as they were walking,and did a little squeal.

“I knew it, Magda! I knew it!”

Felicity ran to Magda and jumped up and down.

“I planned a date for you, Magda! That’s the real reason I snuck you out!”

[piperdelaprim]

Headcanon: If Piper made a coming out video (Piper x Tara)

[Yes lads, this is another Tiper piece, with a little bit of a different format. She won't mention her by name, but now you'll know who she's referring to.]

Also, to keep this shorter on the dash, I’ve added the “keep reading” cut after the intro! Sorry for not adding this before! Also this took me 2 months to finish it be like that sometimes tho

Piper: [mellow] Hi guys...

[After saying that shyly, she For about 10 seconds, Piper, while sitting down, stares at the camera and then shifts her focus to her laptop screen, examining how she looks with a rare casual outfit while contemplating on her next set of words.]

Piper: So I don't think anybody's ever gonna see this. I highly doubt in God's name that I'm ever gonna post this somewhere,

[Piper slightly chuckles at her own statement, but quickly shifts back to her serious tone]

Piper: ...but I have to say it. To somebody--er, somethin' rather.

[She chuckles once again]

Piper: As a lot of people know, I'm...well, not poor. I grew up very wealthy, and very fortunate.

Piper: [Her tone raises slightly] So damn fortunate that I got bored of it! [Yet another chuckle] Kiddin', kiddin', but I didn't feel like I had a life to live, uh, I didn't feel free, is a better way to say it. I kinda knew as a kid that I was missing a lil' somethin' in my life. Of course when I was a little child I didn't get this dang philosophical, but it was always there. And I know, I know. I pro'lly sound privileged as hell, but at the end of the day I'm grateful for everything I've endured thus far, but that's not the point here.

[Piper lets out a large sigh before continuing with her story]

Piper: My momma and poppa...though I love 'em to death, God bless their hearts, they wanted me to get married as soon as I can. I was...well...I ain't sure if this is how you say it but, conditioned to think that, that um...I was gonna get married...like a normal girl would! [Pause]

Piper: [Sarcastically] Well, I'm still not married!

[Piper pauses to drink the water cup beside her and then looks at the camera again for a couple moments before continuing]

Piper: And I really wasn't sure why I felt like nobody ever felt like they were...you know...the one! I mean, my life is already so dang crazy, I don't brawl for money or fame, but to, uh, release all the anger within me--to make up for all the times I couldn't resist what I was told to do. The funny thing is...I'm well over the adult age--and I still don't feel so free. I suppose I'm independent, but not exactly...free. If that makes sense.

[About to talk about the most serious part of her life, Piper lets out another big sigh]

Piper: I was set up with many different men by my family, and most of them were very kind and courteous toward me. They were all very good men, but fallin' in love with them was very hard for me to do--it ain't somethin' that came naturally. Well, I ain't been in love for a very very long time. Last time I was in love--it was many years ago--it didn't seem to work out, and lookin' back, it's hard for me to understand why things happened the way they did. Maybe it truly wasn't meant to be, I don't know, but the stars...didn't align. [quietly] They...uh...never did. But anyway, now it's a different time for the rest of the world; we're becomin' more open to each other and we're becomin' more accepting of things I couldn't have imagined being okay when I was growin' up. I'm talkin' about...being gay.

[Nervously, Piper laughs quietly to lighten the mood for herself]

Piper: Being gay, in my household and my family...was...unheard of. I'd like to say even forbidden. We're Christians and they said we can't be gay. I don't even know who the hell "they" is, but it was made sure of that I cannot be gay. It was even an insult I heard growin' up--and my, my, people thought it was a brutal word. Many of my classmates used to say it left n' right thinkin' that their dignities would be stripped for good! And frankly, because of the cruel world we live in, I thought bein' gay was weird, not normal, sinful even. 'Cause to everybody else it was, and I was predetermined to think the same.

[Piper suddenly starts smiling widely out of nowhere, and starts to chuckle, thinking fondly of the next thing she is about to say.]

Piper: Sorry! I get pretty damn giddy thinkin' about this part. I'm just...well I'll just tell you. So anyway, fast forward to present day. I brawled for the hell of it, just for fun. I thought I was straight but life didn't treat me very well.

[Piper suddenly remembers this aspect of her life and the mood shifts back to its original serious tone, but slightly more mellow.]

Piper: I got shit everyday. Sometimes just for breathin'. And it sucked for me. I didn't fit in because people were scared o' me. I was lonely, I was sad, I was...empty to the point where I thought disappearin' would be the answer. It wasn't great to be me at the time. There were such beautiful people havin' the time of their lives out in the battlefield--some o' them so madly in love with either each other or with life as a whole. And I was as jealous as a girl could be. I wanted that so darn badly that my anger built up too much to the point where I just shut everyone out. I also became too violent out in the battlefield and accidentally physically hurt too many people that didn't deserve a scratch. It began to all be too much.

[Piper then remembered the good part about her story, and she starts smiling brightly once again]

Piper: Anyway, this is what you’ve been waiting for, them little happy moments! It’s still a secret, sorta. But at least I can talk about it. So, um, I met this lovely lady in town one day, and I was feelin’ kinda hopeless so I went to talk to her about stuff, ‘cause I had no one. I thought I was a lil mad for just goin’ to some random stranger and ask ‘em about what I should do about my sad ol’ life. And to my surprise she read me like a book...with her cards! [laughs] It was crazy! She just clicked with me so fast, it was somethin’ I never felt before. You know, it made my heart race a lil. 

[She laughs again, except more nervously]

Piper: I’m actually a little nervous right now talkin' about her 'cause it's so scary but, obviously what we have was more than what meets the eye! [She laughs nervously again, but then continues to smile] I'm so nervous talkin' about this because it was against everythin' I knew. It didn't feel right at all, but my feelin's couldn't take it anymore. I was already so restricted in my normal life and everythin' prior to it, I couldn't let this opportunity to be happy go. Again, I thought I was a fool tellin' er how I felt. I mean, what if she wasn't...you know?! But like I said my own happiness was on the line. All the signs added up, for some odd reason I was confident enough that my chances were high. Ah, haha...my mom always taught me to shoot my shot...ahh she might be a lil' disappointed at me though! Well anyway, that new lovely lady with a mask told me she felt the same, and at that moment I never felt more free in my life. I was so scared to my stomach, I was scared of rejection, not only from her but from the rest of the world. Even though it felt so wrong to do, the feeling afterward felt so right.

[Piper takes a short breath and takes a sip of water.]

Piper: Well, I've been ramblin' and ramblin' but I will say this last thing. Love can fix a lot of things--not everythin', but a lot. I still got my issues, life ain't gonna be dandy forever just 'cause I found my lover, but consider this: do things because of love, doesn't gotta be that icky, cheesy type o' love that I was talkin' to you about, but it could be your family, your friends, whoever or whatever, alright! I realized I brawl 'cause I hated myself, not 'cause I loved the adrenaline or the glory. I also realized that I denied this part of me for so long cause I was scared, and I hated feelin' more outcasted than I usually had. I'm still tryin' my best to set myself free, but it's a process that became a little better for me to handle. Just don't do things outta hate or outta fear, it ain't good for you, it ain't good for nobody.

[Piper's cell phone rings, once she finishes her sentence, she picks it up]

Piper: [on the phone] Hey love! How much did you earn today? [She smiles as the person on the other end speaks] That's good. I would be more than happy help you if you wanted, it's what I should do for you, but you keep on sayin' no! [Inaudibly, the person on the other end speaks as she laughs happily]

Piper: [on the phone] I'll come by later for sure! I don't exactly need a readin' though, I'd just love to talk normally. Did you want to...

[Piper uses her cursor to stop the recording before she could finish her question to the person on the other side of the line.]

...

And scene. I hope you enjoyed it! This was a long time coming but I'm so happy I was able to finish it!

[decrescending]

initial hadestown original broadway cast recording thoughts: woop this will be long bc i HAV so much

1. HOLY SH*T THE NEW PERSEPHONE VERSE! who’s doing the best she can? persephone! THATS WHO! i dont condone alcoholism but it definitely is a consequence of hades and persephone’s troubled marriage

2. um so whats up with seph introducing herself again in our lady of the underground

3. CMON GREEN THANG lmao hermes. the cast‘s reactions here is so cute uwu. i missed the slurping tho lmao for me it made livin it up on top tHAT song

4. seph and hermes taking orpheus parts in way down MAKES SENSE yall. im 100% on board. they know what happens in Hell and the mortals dont know shit

5. BRIAN DRYE ON THAT TROMBONE HOLY SH*T!

6. You’re early. I missed ya. F*CKING KILLS ME. EVERY SINGLE TIME

7. huh they really did skip to hey little songbird me for 0.005 seconds

8. PUTANGINA GAGO AJHSHJSHJASHSKH PATRICK PAGE!!!!!! HOW IS A GOD LIKE YOU ALLOWED TO WALK THIS EARTH???? HE KEEPS GETTING BETTER EVERY RECORDING IM IN TEARS I LOVE!!!!!

9. EVA’S where are you now, orpheusss?? GUYS I CANT STOP THE TEARS HOLY SH*T im always looking forward to this part bc it SHOWS so much about eurydice’s character and this productions’s portrayal of her relationship with orpheus

10. I FORGOT TO CLOSE MY MOUTH WTF IM STILL IN GOOSEBUMPS

11. WATCHU GON DO WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN??? NOOOOOOOW THAT THE CHIPS ARE DOWN? F*CKING LAY DOWN MY FACE FOR YOU TO STEP ON!!! these fates are so dang sassy I STAN

12. they sound so full and menacing SHOOT TO KILL indeed

13. eva my baby :((((((((( im gone’s gasp!!! I AM SO DEAD TOO

14. jewelle’s in her skiiiin growl and basically every line ender of this song SLAPS

15. wait for me’s opening notes!!!!! FOREVER FAV

16. mR. HERMES! really do radiate mr. sTaRK! energy

17. orpheus sings with all my heart. kill me the f*ck now

18. AT THIS POINT IM JUST SOBBING

19. who are youuu?? THE FATES REALLY PERSONIFY DOUBT™

20. ajdhasjdhashk you can hear when the set changes!

21. HERMES SINGING WITH ORPHEUS IN I AM NOT ALOOONE! F*CK I HADNT THOUGHT ID LOVE THIS SONG MORE BUT HERE WE GO

22. I’ve talked before how i prefer broadway’s wait for me over nytw’s. I STILL DO

23. THEY TOOK OUT EURYDICE’S SOLO IN WHY WE BUILD THE WALL????

24. in a way i do understand bc it singles out eurydice too much and at an outside vantage point it didnt really need to happen bc all the solo does is present eurydice’s thoughts at this point. IM STILL DISAPPOINTED THOUGH

25. asjdhfjkdh my dumbass only now realized that anything can happen on the factory floor when the foreman turns his back is about persephone’s illegal spring club lmao

26. anybody want a drink? NEVER fails to make me laugh

27. i love our lady of the underground and livin it up on top but didnt seph already introduce herself in livin? sounds redundant tbh

28. but it gets us amber aND I AM HERE FOR IT. I JUST LOVE HER OKAY

29. THIS MUSICAL NAMING EVERY SINGLE BAND MEMBER! I WILL LOVE FOREVER AND EVER! ALSO THE CAST REACTING IS SO CUTE AND SUPPORTIVE

30. BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOu wANT stAAARRRS????? I DIDNT KNOW IT COULD GET BETTER!

31. tell my husband to take his time hades’ infidelity confirmed :/

32. ITS FLOWERS! EVA MY BABY I LOVE YOU

33. oh no theres no growling, shes playing it softer than onstage????????

34. IM KINDA DISAPPOINTED LIKE 1% BC I LOVED THE GROWLING-REGRETFUL-ANGRY-AT-HERSELF EURYDICE SO MUCH

35. OOPS NEVERMIND HER youuUUUUU, the one who i left behind RESSURECTED ME

36. andre’s super soft road to hell intro :((((((((((((((((((((((((((( i BAWL

37. its a sad song, its a sad tale, iTS A TRAGEDY. its a sad song. bUT WE SING IT ANYWAY GODS ANAIS. This song perfectly captures hadestown’s mythical origins. I WILL LOVE FOREVER AND EVER

38. u can hear the cracking in andre’s voice in iTS A SAD SONGs and the cast! the harmonies! I STAN EVERY SINGLE ONE

39. we’re gonna sing it again and again always ALWAYS KILLS ME HOLY SHIT

40. OHMY GOD THAT WAS A WILD F*CKING RIDE lets play it again! (and again)

notice how they released the songs highlighting the four tony nominated cast members? bar wait for me, which is a CLASSIC fav. i mean i get it, even if we wanted reeve to be nominated and even if the cast wants to, MORE SO than we do i daresay, they had to make sure the nominated ones get as much exposure as they can

ALSO i really love the sentiment that hadestown’s many versions and iterations actually makes it SO TRUE to mythology. myths and stories gets passed down in yeARS and generations until we mix whats right or wrong and better or worse. somebody posted about this a long time ago im sorry i cant remember you :( but thats what makes it so beautiful!! YOU CANT JUST F*CKING DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT! we all have our preferences and no one’s is the same as the person beside them but its the same musical we all adore.

also im still laughing about this but i forgot to include it up top dANA LYN! on the vioLIN!! LMAO

[letterboxd]

Self-Defense.

“Tone is fun. Tone is like a fingerprint, and I’m trying to figure out what mine is.” —The Art of Self-Defense writer/director Riley Stearns tells us about his singular new film.

Leaning heavily into ideas centered around manliness, Riley Stearns’ new film The Art of Self-Defense feels pretty loaded. Although it���s clearly presenting itself as satire, the hot-button nature of its subject matter heightens the whole affair.

Set in what appears to be sometime in the 1970s or 1980s, or a cellphone-less present—you can never be quite sure—the film stars Jesse Eisenberg as Casey, a meek office drone who is violently mugged one evening. After recovering, he begins taking karate lessons at a local dojo and falls under the influence of his charismatic sensei, a man named… Sensei. Sensei is played by Alessandro Nivola in a hilarious performance that itself justifies seeing the film, but it’s worth it for several other reasons too, not least of which is a great turn from Imogen Poots, playing a fellow student.

Destined to be polarizing, The Art of Self-Defense affects a vibe that feels influenced in equal parts by Yorgos Lanthimos, Charlie Kaufman and Wes Anderson. For Stearns, who also helmed the 2014 cult-recovery feature Faults, a black comedy described by Letterboxd members as “terrific”, “inventive” and “original”, The Art of Self-Defense continues a never-ending exploration of tone, “the most important part of filmmaking”.

Letterboxd caught up with Stearns earlier in the year to talk jiu-jitsu, ambiguity, violence and the Coen brothers.

Writer/director Riley Stearns.

What was the impetus for you telling this story? Riley Stearns (writer/director): I think I started just worrying: what would happen if I got in a fight? What would happen if I got mugged? What would happen if I was with somebody I loved and something happened and I couldn’t defend them? And I just really didn’t know the answers to those questions. So I started looking into taking martial arts classes, and jiu-jitsu in particular is what I settled on. It was really out of fear initially, and now I do jiu-jitsu because it’s fun. It’s a hobby, it’s a sport that I like and it keeps me in shape. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself, but it really started out of fear.

When I started writing the movie, I’d been doing jiu-jitsu for a little while. I wanted to make a movie in that world, but I realized I could take my experience and my fear and put it into the story, and I thought people might relate to that. And the really interesting thing is some of the guys I’ve shown it to have felt like they saw themselves in the character, even though for me, it’s a stylized and exaggerated version of myself. I see myself in the character, obviously, but I feel proud that they see themselves too.

Is this film’s time period deliberately ambiguous? Deliberately ambiguous, yes. I wanted to kind of be able to just mix technology. I happen to think that analog technology is more interesting-looking, and it adds a certain production design quality to the film that I really like. I don’t want people to have to think about the timeline too much. If you’re thinking ‘why is it ambiguous?’ that’s one thing. But thinking ‘oh there’s an iPhone 7, so this happened at that time’, I think it dates a film unnecessarily. I also try to stay away from cellphones just in general too. Because if you don’t have ’em and they’re never touched on, then you can’t use them, and that’s great, because it helps propel story. But yeah, it’s definitely an ambiguous timeline.

Having said that, your film delves into a subject that there’s so much discussion around right now in society: masculinity (and toxic forms of it). Is that a coincidence? I started writing this in 2015. I think the conversations were happening then, it was just a smaller version. Recently it has really picked up, [with] the #MeToo movement, and there’s people questioning and saying ‘no we’re not gonna take this anymore’. I think that’s amazing, but this was already something I was looking at doing for myself. Just saying, like, I’m a white guy and I’m middle-aged and I grew up in a middle-class family and this is my perspective, and so this hopefully is how I can help. It’s karate and it’s got action and comedy and all that, but I do think there’s a message at the heart of it. At the end of the day, it’s entertainment, for sure, but I don’t want to make something that’s pure entertainment. I want to make something that says something, at least. That was my goal.

The character of Sensei is really something else. What were your conversations with Alessandro Nivola like? For some reason I came up with this image that kind of started with Sensei: he’s the kind of guy who would wear sandals with socks. That’s who Sensei is. He’s a sociopathic character in the film, but he also is just a dork, too. I think he was the kid who was beat up in high school, probably started taking karate to be able to defend himself, thought it would make him cool. And at the end of the day, karate’s not necessarily the coolest thing in the world anyway. Anybody putting on a gi, you don’t look cool doing it. What you’re able to do from the martial art is one thing, but you don’t look cool in the gi.

I think Sensei just wants to belong. He wanted to belong to a group, and no group would have him so he kind of started his own, so he’s got his school, all these students look up to him, and he’s just pretending to be the cool person he always wanted to be. And he also just happens to be kinda crazy too. But yet, Alessandro had fun being that guy, just embracing the quirks of the character and not going the expected route.

There’s a declarative, deadpan tone to this film. Did you talk to your cast about tone? Definitely. ‘Deadpan’ is a word that’s used, and I think I accidentally slip into it here and there, but I like to say ‘literal’. In real life, we kind of hide the truth a little bit to be nice or friendly, and we don’t always express exactly what we’re thinking. I like to think that in the world of The Art of Self-Defense, everyone says exactly what they’re thinking. It’s either black or white, there’s no gray. And I think that helps inform the acting at times. Just saying what you think, and also a lot of times with quote-unquote jokes in the movie, I don’t think they work as well if you play it as a joke. But if you don’t play it as a joke, you play it dead serious, that’s where the humor lies. And we were really able to find that on set.

It’s hard to say that it’s a natural-feeling film, but I didn’t want it to feel so stylized that it takes you out of it. I wanted you to feel like this is just maybe a dimension over from us, a minute shift, but it’s enough that it makes things feel slightly off but it gives it its own world. I like building worlds, even if it’s not in some grand Avatar kind of way. Just hone and feel an atmosphere.

For me, tone is the most important part of filmmaking. I would rather have a nailed-down tone. I don’t know that I’m ever gonna achieve that; it’s always gonna be a battle to figure out what is perfect, but that means more to me than doing some really cool camera move. Or having some big explosion or something. I look at the Coen brothers and I say, like: how are they able to do exactly what they want to do with every single movie, and how does it feel like a Coen brothers film for me every single time? That’s an aspirational thing for me down the line; I want to get to that point where I know exactly what I want, we’re able to achieve it every time, and everyone’s on the same page. Tone is fun. Tone is like a fingerprint. And I’m trying to figure out what mine is.

Violence is a big part of this film. Were you trying to approach violence in a specific way? Um, not necessarily. I think that our society, in the United States especially, nudity and sex is so “horrible” to put on film, but everything gets away with violence. And I think that to a certain extent, that’s not a great thing, but I do happen to find a certain style of violence… when it’s used in a certain context. The films of Yorgos Lanthimos or… who else…

Paul Verhoeven? Yes. There you go. Haneke. There are ways of approaching violence that don’t glorify it, and I do think that there is humor in violence, but I know at the end of the day I’m making a movie. In real life, I’m not a violent person. I don’t like violent things. But being able to explore it is interesting in the context of the film. Maybe it’s the shock of it. Maybe I’m just being clichéd or whatever. But I do happen to find [violence] an interesting tool to be able to use. There are moments in the movie where we show the violence and there’s moments where we have it off camera. And I think being able to decide that may be too much, or being able to say, this is just doing it for shock and not adding anything to the discussion.

Something I definitely did in conceiving the way that we shot it, anything with fists or feet, like punching, very analog fights, all of that could be very bloody. But the moment we used weapons or guns or anything, I wanted [scene description redacted to avoid spoilers] to be almost not bloody at all. I didn’t wanna glorify the gun violence. But with the karate side of it, we just went balls-to-the-wall. So there’s also a little bit of that too, knowingly adding more to certain elements that you want to enhance. I don’t think people need to see [scene description redacted]. That’s not entertainment to me.

‘The Art Of Self-Defense’ is in US theaters now. Comments have been edited for clarity and length.

[obsessedwithereri-nz]

Stone Cold Chapter 4 (FULL)

Levi x Eren

Summary:  Ever since Levi was a pre-teen, he knew he’d have to marry her, otherwise he’d have to answer to his abusive uncle which never turned out well for Levi’s wellbeing. But after meeting a certain singer at his favorite bar, he knew he was in deep, deep shit.

Warnings: None

Follow the #stonecoldfic to find previous chapters. Enjoy!

Goddamnit. If Levi knew he was about to run two and a half miles in the snow, he would’ve worn better fucking shoes. It’s only been a couple of minutes since abandoning Baby in the driveway and he’s almost eaten the pavement five times.

But did he care? Not in the slightest. He would much rather have his front teeth violently ripped out than lose the one thing that has brought him true happiness. No matter what it takes, Levi is going to find him. He’s going to tell him how much he fucked up and how much he means to him.

Of course, he didn’t expect to be forgiven or even spoken to because, honestly, he doesn’t deserve his forgiveness. But he needs it.

All he can do is try. If he doesn’t try, he’ll live the rest of his life depressed, alone and filled with regret. Not that he’ll have much longer to live anyway when he gets a hold of him. When that asshole finds out what happened, and he will, he’s as good as dead.

“Stop it, Levi,” he mutters to himself. If he starts thinking that way, then he will definitely lose him for good. He is the reason Levi’s fought so fucking hard, he is his reason for living.

There’s no way in hell he’s dying before he can tell him that to his face.

-----

“Hey there, stranger.”

There’s no doubt about it. It’s him. Even though they only spoke for a few minutes, he knows that voice. Levi tries to respond, knowing exactly what he wants to say, but he physically can’t form the words.

“Um… You still there?” His sweet voice floods Levi’s ear. The words don’t register in Levi’s mind at first, he just enjoys the sound for a moment. Then when his brain does process the fact that he hasn’t said a word, or even made a single noise since EJ answered his call, he immediately blurts out a response.

“Yes, yup, I’m here.” Levi mentally and physically facepalms himself for being so weird and embarrassing.

“Oh, good. I was worried this was a butt dial.” The brat laughs through the phone. A butt dial… Yeah, as if Levi hadn’t just spent the last 12 hours debating whether or not to call this damn number.

“Uh, nope. Not- not a butt dial.”

“Well, I’m glad. It would be pretty weird if the cute guy you gave your number to miraculously butt dialed your exact phone number.”

Cheeky shit, calling Levi cute. No one except Petra had ever called him cute, and he’s fucking glad. A grown ass man who works for a premium furniture company is not cute. But why on Earth is he blushing like a 13-year-old girl when he says it!?

After a moment of silence, the singer speaks again.

“Ah, sorry. That was, uh, a little much. I’m sorry.”

“N-no, you’re fine,” Levi stands from his spot on the bed and rubs the back of his neck with his free hand. “How, um, how did you know it was me calling you?”

“Well, I haven’t given my number out to anybody else recently, and when I saw it wasn’t a private number I assumed it wasn’t someone trying to sell me something. Call it an educated guess.” He could practically hear this brat’s smile through the phone.

“Right. That makes sense, I guess.”

“Hey, um, I’m actually really glad you called me.”

“Oh yeah? A-and why’s that?” Levi feels his stomach sink, suddenly very nervous.

“Yeah,” EJ drags the word out as if thinking of what to say next. “What are you doing on Thursday?” He blurts out.

Levi freezes mid-pace. Shit , he knew it. This was a bad fucking idea.

“I’m working.”

“Okay,” he drags the word out again. “What about after work?” Goddamnit, kid.

“I, um, I-I have plans.”

“Look, I know this may be a little forward of me,” Oh no. “And I don’t normally do this kinda thing, but I really enjoyed talking to you last night and wanted to, y’know, hang out. I understand if you don’t want to though, I can be pretty annoying somet-”

“No-”

Levi. He thinks to himself.

“You’re not annoying.”

Levi, stop.

“In all honesty,”

Hang up the phone.

“This has never happened before so-”

Seriously. Stop. Talking.

“I-I was just caught a little off guard, I suppose.”

Hang up the damn phone, Ackerman!

“I just don’t really know what to say right now.”

“Well,” the singer speaks up. “The only advice I can give you is to say what you want to say. Whatever your heart is telling you, just say that.” And just like that, the booming voice inside Levi’s head goes silent.

His heart… You mean his cold, dead one? Yeah, it’s saying nothing, hasn’t for years.

“Nothing.”

“Huh?”

“I’m not doing anything after work on Thursday.” Woah, where did that coming from?

“Oh, really? I thought you had ‘plans’” the singer’s voice is oozing with sarcasm and Levi lets a small laugh slip.

“I’ve changed my mind.”

“Can’t say I’m upset by that. So, I’m performing at The Library again on Thursday night at seven, if you want to have a drink with me before then? Let’s say at six?”

“Tsk, are you even old enough to drink, brat?” Levi’s eyes widen at what just came out of his mouth. Well done, Levi. There goes your one chance to have an actual friend. Laughing sounds through the phone, and his cheeks warm at the sound. How can a laugh sound so adorable to somebody whose heart is supposed to be stone cold?

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me,” EJ says coming down from his fit of laughter. “And I’m taking that as a yes you’ll have a drink with me?”

“I’ll see you at six, you damn brat.” With that, Levi hangs up.

Without realizing it, Levi has a smile on his face. It’s not as big as Hanji’s; no one's smile could ever compete with her creepy ass smile, but it’s big nonetheless. He even bites his lower lip to try to contain how elated he’s feeling.

However, when he does realize what his heart is making his mouth do, he snaps himself out of it by slapping his cheeks a few times.

This is a bad fucking idea. Levi thinks to himself. Getting drinks with… With…

“Shit!” he says under his breath when he realizes he never got the damn brat’s name. He goes to call him again but stops right before selecting his number. Levi doesn’t want to seem clingy like he can’t wait a couple more days before finding out his name.

Thinking about saving his number as a contact in his phone, he goes against it since his number is technically saved under his recent calls and, on that note, scrunches up the piece of paper with EJ’s number on it one final time, and throws it in the trash.

Over the next two days, everything happened the way it always did. When he returned to work on Wednesday morning, the Ral’s didn’t even give him a passing glance, despite being told he had a vomiting bug the day before; so, the usual. He got on with his job, being doubly careful not to ‘mess up’ any orders for these prestigious fucks ordering ridiculously expensive furniture that is truly not worth the investment.

Although, he normally didn’t care an awful lot if he fucked up an order because he is a mindless machine at the office. He didn’t need to give his work his 100% because he’s done it for so many years, it’s actually become extremely difficult for him to fuck up.

However, there was something that was happening to Levi that’d he’d never experienced before. There was only one thing his mind would focus on; seeing EJ again. Whenever he thinks about seeing those eyes or hearing his voice again, butterflies erupt inside his stomach almost making him feel physically sick from nervousness, meaning Levi actually has to try while at work.

Nobody can find out about the brat, people will start asking questions and get him involved… He’s probably shooting himself in the foot, but he can’t help but feel a little excited to have his own little secret, while also feeling absolutely terrified.

He had spoken with Petra Thursday morning telling her he’d be going to the bar after work to have some alone time, which wasn’t unusual for him. So, instead of driving in together which they normally do most days, she took her car and Levi took his.

Levi also decided to wear his favorite suit, knowing it highlighted his musculature in all the best ways. The only downside, it’s Petra favorite also. The only excuse he could come up with for wearing it to the office was that he was in a good mood and felt like dressing up, which wasn’t entirely a lie.

The day goes by without any noticeable incidents and at four o’clock, Petra comes by Levi’s office. They both usually finish work together, but when Levi goes to the bar after work, he stays for an extra hour or so to get shit done and out of the way, then goes to drown his sorrows.

“Hey,” she says as she knocks on his door.

“Hey,” he sighs as he looks up towards her. “You heading off?”

“Yeah. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. I know my parents are still giving you a hard time.”

“It’s fine, Petra,” Levi purposefully returns his gaze down towards his desk. “You’re mother actually came and apologized to me today.” No she didn’t. He’s only saying that to get her to calm down and drop the topic.

“She did? Oh, that’s great! I’m so glad they realized they were acting horribly.” She has a large smile on her face. Good. Now he hopes she doesn’t go thanking her mother for something she didn’t actually do.

“Yeah, everything’s fine now.” Yet another lie.

“Good.” She sighs in relief as she walks over to give him a hug from behind, wrapping her arms lightly around his neck and shoulders. “What time do you think you will be home?”

“I’m not too sure,” Levi answers honestly, for once. He turns his head to face her. “I’ll let you know, okay?” Petra raises her eyebrows and smirks.

“Will you really?”

“I’ll have my phone in hand the whole time. I promise.” He hates using that word, but he knows if he didn’t, she’d be calling and texting like she did on Monday night.

“Okay,” the couple share a kiss. A pair of green eyes flashes into Levi’s mind. Of course he starts thinking about that brat while he’s kissing his girlfriend, but he can’t help it. He begins to kiss Petra back with a little more passion than he usually does as he continues to think about EJ. After a moment, Levi snaps back to reality and pulls away, clearing his throat.

“I’ll, uh, let you know if I’ll be later than eight, okay?” She nods in agreement and plants one last kiss on Levi’s lips.

“You really do look good in that suit, y’know.” She flirtatiously winks and waves to her boyfriend as she leaves his office.

Once out of eyesight, Levi groans and lets his head drop into his hands. He doesn’t even know the brat’s fucking name yet and this is what he’s doing to him? Maybe this really is a bad idea. He should call him and tell him he has to cancel.

Say what you want to say. Whatever your heart is telling you, just say that.

His hand that was reaching for his phone immediately freezes in place as he hears a familiar voice in his head. Right, his heart. Levi keeps forgetting about his heart. It’s always either been silent or completely drowned out by his mind convincing him what the right move is to avoid trouble.

Damn it, this was so much easier for Levi when he didn’t feel anything at all.

Five o’clock finally rolls around and it’s almost time for Levi to leave the office to meet with EJ. Heart racing and butterflies reeking havoc, he finishes up the last of his paperwork for the day. He decided he was going to meet up with EJ, but only for the hour before his performance, that’s it. He’ll go, have a drink, find out that what he’s feeling is all in his head and a load of bullshit, then go home to his girlfriend.

“Oi, Levi.” A feminine voice sounds from the doorway to his office just as Levi stands up to leave for The Library. He looks up to see Mrs. Ral approaching his desk, holding a large stack of papers in her hands. “It’s good you’re working late because you’re going to redo all this paperwork.”

The stack of papers smack down onto his desk, some coming away from the pile and slowly drifting onto the floor.

“What?” Levi asks, irritated because he knows exactly what she’s doing.

Even though there is absolutely nothing wrong with his paperwork, she still gets him to do it all over from scratch because his handwriting is too ‘messy’, or he spelled a customer’s name ‘wrong’, or one of the papers has a bent corner. No one cares about a bent corner. He can’t use white out because it looks ‘messy’ and ‘unprofessional’. And his handwriting must be in cursive because it shows ‘elegance’.

What. A load. Of bullshit. Levi wishes he could give this vile woman a piece of his mind but, once again, he knows what will happen to him if he does. Sometimes he thinks it’d be totally worth it; realistically, however, it wouldn’t be in the long run.

“Don’t ‘what’ me. You know exactly what’s wrong with these.” Levi doesn’t give her the satisfaction of a response, so he stays quiet and stares at her. “For the love of God, you really are as stupid as you look, insolent child. Look,” she snatches a piece of paper from the pile and slams it down in front of Levi.

“I don’t see anything wrong with this, madam,” Levi spits out that final word without looking down at the form.

“You are asking for a smack, boy. You used black ink when you’re supposed to use blue. We’ve made it very clear that all paperwork must be filled out using blue ink.”

You have got to be kidding me. That’s what this senile old hag is upset about this time? The fucking color of ink!?

“Mmm, so it is,” Levi responds through his teeth, still having not looked at the form in front of him. “My apologies, madam. I’ll get right on it.”

“What my daughter sees in you, I’ll never understand.” Her vulgar tone could be picked up by even the most anti-social and oblivious individual. “ Street rat .” How the two of them haven’t ripped out each other’s throats yet, most people have no clue.

Shooting daggers directly into the back of her head, as if playing a fun game of darts, Levi angrily begins to re-write all 56 pages worth of bullshit paperwork. He meticulously gets through about 10 pages before checking the time.

5:39 pm. Knowing it takes at least 20 minutes to get to The Library from the headquarters, he bolts up out of his office chair, shoves the ‘poorly’ filled out paperwork and his laptop into his briefcase, and sprints out the door.

[ficdirectory]

Somewhere Inside (Disuphere series #4) Chapter 9

(To listen, click here) - 12:31

Francesca can’t explain it really.  She just feels bigger.  Like she can do stuff.  That she said stuff, and Pearl even listened?  Pearl is a grown up.  Even more grown up than Jesus or Mariana or Dominique.  And she listened.  She didn’t just say Francesca shouldn’t tell adults what to do.  Pearl knew Francesca wasn’t trying to do that anyway because of consent.  Because they don’t ever force each other to do anything.  Because that’s not right.

“What about you, babe?” Dominique asks.  (Dominique is the only one who ever calls Francesca “babe.”  It’s short for “baby” but Dominique doesn’t mean it that way.  She means it like she cares.  Like Francesca matters to her.)

“Um...I never did any Feelings Laundry either…” she admits, only a little embarrassed, since Pearl already said she didn’t do it before either.

“What are you feeling the most right now?” Dominique tries.

“...Like I did a good job?” Francesca asks, like it’s a test and she might get the wrong answer.

“So, proud?” Dominique smiles.  “We’re proud of you, too.  You have really good suggestions and ideas.  I like seeing that you wanna help others.”

“Yeah, that’s a big deal, buddy.  I’m glad you’re proud.  You should be,” Jesus nods and puts his arm around her.  Francesca leans into him.  He smells like man deodorant and outside and spearmint like gum.

“I used to feel...like...kinda surprised?” she admits.  “Because I didn’t know Levi was gonna be here.  But now we’re friends.”  She smiles at him, and he peeks at her a little and smiles tiny.

“That makes sense,” Pearl offers.  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys sooner.  I was afraid you might not wanna come.”

“Why?  Levi’s nice,” Francesca maintains.

“He is, yes.  But change is hard for people,” Pearl allows.  “Like, plans changing last minute.”

“I have a question,” Francesca says, not looking at anybody.

“Sure,” Pearl nods.

“It’s just...I think part of why I was surprised was like...I thought that friendships shrink?”

“I’m not sure I understand,” Pearl says.

Francesca looks at Dominique.  Can tell just by looking at her face that she’s listening.

“Like, one time, kids at my school were making a club with all the girls in my class.  And I came over, and one girl asked me to join in, but then another one said they already have enough people.  I thought if Levi came, one of us had to be left out.  I thought that one of us was me, probably, ‘cause I’m the youngest.” Francesca admits.

“Ah,” Pearl says, like she gets it now.  “Well, it sounds like you’re describing friendship like it has a rubberband around it.  What happens when you put a rubberband around a lot of things?”

“It squeezes them together?”

“Right.  And if one extra thing stretches it too far, what happens?” Pearl asks.

“It breaks.”

“Yeah, but friendships aren’t like that.  We don’t have an invisible rubberband around us forcing us together.  We’re together because we wanna be, right?”

“So, it won’t break if I join?” Francesca asks, shy.

“Nope, there’s always room in friendship.”

“For people, not things,” Francesca remembers.

“You got it,” Jesus nods, like he’s proud of her again.

--

“Mari, do you have some feelings laundry?” Francesca asks, surprising Mariana, who has been quietly listening.

“What?” she asks.  It’s filler.  She heard the question, gets it, but the words to answer are nowhere around.

“You wanna share a feeling?” Dominique asks, quietly.

“Tired.  And sad…” Mariana sighs.  She hates to be a downer, but it’s the truth, and the name of the game right now seems like Truth Time.

“You can keep resting as long as you need,” Jesus encourages.

“Why are you sad?” Dominique asks, giving Mariana a few seconds after Jesus’s comment.

“It’s so different now.  Like...I’m different…  Before when I came, I had...energy.  I could have fun.  Now I’m just exhausted all the time.”  Mariana can feel Levi’s curiosity, and she’s thinking about what to say.  How much to share.  In the end, she doesn’t, because it’s so hard to even hope all the words will be there, and he’ll get it, and not just feel a bunch of pity for her.

But it’s Levi who speaks next, surprising her.  “Yeah.  It’s hard to feel different...in a place that feels so unchanged.  It’s like...jarring.”

“Yeah.”

His eyes are so sympathetic, locked on hers.  Mariana has no idea what he’s talking about personally for him, but she feels understood.   “And then if nobody knows...or realizes...it’s worse.”

“Exactly,” Mari nods.

“That’s a pretty major reason to be sad,” Levi nods.

“But I think maybe you overlooked that your roomie,” Dominique gestures to herself “considers napping one of her greatest skills.  You don’t have to nap and be exhausted alone.”

“Thank you,” Mariana nods.  “Now you,” she nods at Dominique.  

--

“Oh…  I guess...okay.  I feel…”  Dominique hedges.

The truth is, she feels put on the spot.  And is there a word for that?  Like, all eyes are on her.  Like she’s got to perform. It’s a gross feeling.  And she doesn’t know how to navigate this expectation of vulnerability when she just doesn’t know Pearl at all.  She feels like Levi would get her dilemma.  But not being able to fully trust all of the people in a space at once, makes being completely open and honest feel like being shoved off a cliff into an ocean full of sharks.

She’s relished being the foreperson here.  Calling on people to share.  Explaining things.  Kinda running them.  But to share herself?  Well, that feels...whatever the hell this feeling is.

“What’s your biggest feeling right now?” Francesca asks, and Dominique’s touched.  Francesca’s great about reciprocating the help she’s been given.

“It’s not a feeling…” Dominique hedges.

“Neither is sock feeling,” Levi offers, “But you all accepted that.”

“Nobody’s gonna get mad...or leave…” Mariana encourages quietly.

“...Like it’s inevitable that I’m about to be eaten by sharks…” Dominique admits, head down.

“You’re feeling in danger?” Jesus asks, sounding surprised and concerned.

“I guess?” Dominique says.  She glances up at them.  Smiles reflexively.  “I mean, it’s okay, though.  I feel fine.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Pearl insists, which only makes Dominique wanna lean into fineness that much harder.

“Maybe it feels safer to be fine,” Levi challenges quietly.  “I get that.”

“But we’re all safe with each other here,” Pearl insists.

“But we don’t know that!”  Dominique insists, her voice suddenly so intense it makes Francesca jump.  “You haven’t demonstrated that.  You haven’t proven it.”

“Well, neither have you, but we all still shared with you,” Pearl insists.

Francesca makes an obnoxious noise like a buzzer on a TV game show.  She’s got Hermione’s wand and points it at Pearl.  “Saying somebody’s feeling doesn’t matter is disrespect.”

Pearl’s mouth drops open and she looks at Jesus and Mariana to back her up, but both of them look like she crossed a line.  It makes Dominique a little glad.  

“Well, so what?  What does that mean?  I’m just the bad guy now?” Pearl asks, arms crossed.

“Questions are cool.  Dismissing people isn’t,” Jesus maintains.  

“I didn’t know it was called that…” Levi breathes.  “That there was a name for it.  That it counts as disrespect…”

Dominique might be the only one who hears his comments because Pearl’s talking again, and she has a big presence.

“I used to make mistakes a lot,” Francesca offers.  “It hurt my feelings and made me feel like you guys didn’t wanna be my friend anymore.  But that wasn’t really true, right?”

“No,” Jesus agrees.  “We’re not rejecting you, Pearl.  But we are calling you out.  We don’t tolerate disrespect here.”

Dominique bites her lip and watches.  Can’t quite believe Jesus is so calm.  Levi, too, though he’s scooted his chair away from Pearl slightly.

“But I was just saying that we’re all trying.” Pearl exclaims.

“Maybe Dominique’s trying, too.  You don’t know.  You don’t know her.  You didn’t ask one question,” Levi comments quietly.

Pearl shuts her eyes.  Dominique doesn’t.  She watches everything.  If this falls apart?  It’s on her.  She has to know what’s coming.

“Oh, and you know her,” Pearl insists like she doesn’t believe Levi at all.

“I’ve talked to her.  I’ve listened.  Yeah.” Levi counters.

“Like you listen to me?” Pearl counters.

“Okay, Time.  Seriously.  We gotta stop this.  And breathe,” Jesus decides.

It takes all of Dominique’s focus to be able to drag in a single breath and then let it out.  She looks around at everybody doing the same - at Levi - watching everyone else breathe, curiously.  Eventually, she can do it again.  And again.

When they’ve done that for a while, Jesus nods.  “Okay.  Listen.  Dominique, do you know what you were feeling that made the shark feeling so strong?” Jesus asks.

Just like that, the words are there:

“Fear.  Judgement.”

“Okay.  Pearl, can you hear that Dominique’s afraid right now.  Is feeling judged?” Jesus wonders.

“I am, too!”

“Hold on, though.” Jesus keeps trying.

Dominique wants to give up.  To walk away.  To go shut the door of the bedroom and not come out, but if she does, she knows she likely won’t come out for days.

Mariana slides her hand into Dominique’s.  Francesca walks over and hands Hermione her wand back.  It helps some.

“We’re saying…” Mariana starts out slowly, looking at Pearl.  “That Dominique’s not trying to hurt you.  She’s afraid.  Can you hear that?”

“Yes, because I’m awful.  Clearly.  Everybody’s having a terrible time because I wasn’t honest.”  Pearl wipes her eyes.

“You feel blamed,” Levi realizes.

“Well, yeah,” Pearl laughs mirthlessly as more tears escape.

“You could’ve just told me,” Dominique says quietly. “Instead of pushing me.”

“I’m sorry.  I was trying to be reassuring...by telling you it was safe to talk to us? But it seems like my default is severely irritable these days.”

“Sounds like trauma,” Dominique comments lightly.  “Which is something I know I would never judge.  I got plenty of my own.  I’m just asking...please don’t judge me for my hesitance...which is trauma also…”

“Fair,” Pearl breathes.

“I think we need to do our Feelings Laundry every day practically,” Francesca announces.  “Because there’s a lot of it right now.  So we maybe need to make sure we do it more than just one time ever.”

“That sounds like a great plan,” Jesus nods.

Dominique excuses herself to go to the restroom and try to get a hold on herself.  It’s not easy.  She needs Mom right now like she needs air, but they don’t have cell service.  So, instead, she clutches her wand (which Mom made for her) and closes her eyes, willing her Mom to think of her too.

She breathes and tries to calm down.  But instead, there are tears.  And as healthy as Dominique has been told tears are, they always make her feel weak and stupid.  

She needs her Sadness costume but it’s not here.  So she stays locked in the bathroom thinking about money changing hands.  About being forced into situations she was in no way ready for.  About losing control.

But, just like that, Dominique swallows.  The mask is back in place.  Because with Pearl around?  She still doesn’t feel safe without it.

One more deep breath, and then Dominique opens the door.

Levi’s there, waiting by one of the couches.  “You okay?”

“Yeah.  I’m fine,” she nods.

“Cool.  I’m fine, too,” he tells her.

“Cool.”

Seems like Pearl has headed out already, thankfully.  Dominique hopes Levi doesn’t start to hate her because she doesn’t get along with his sister.  But he seems to have his own issues with Pearl.  

He sticks around a little longer, helping Jesus and Francesca build their fort, and then he walks home.

Dominique goes to bed that night in full costume, clutching her wand.  

She dreams of money.  The smell.  The sound.  The glint in the men’s eyes.  

Wakes up.  Gasping.  Wishing Jesus knew to give her a heads up about that.  But in all the things they’d discussed.  Her trigger around being either asked for cash by a man or unexpectedly bearing witness to cash changing hands had never come up.

And now it feels like all the words are trapped inside.  With her actual feelings.

Maybe things will look better in the morning...but somehow...Dominique doubts it.

[dailyaudiobible]

05/27/2021 DAB Transcript

2 Samuel 12:1-31, John 16:1-33, Psalm 119:65-80, Proverbs 16:4-5

Today is the 27th day of May welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I am Brian it is a joy and an honor to be here with you today as we…as we continue the journey through the week. I really kinda make this final press towards the end of this month and continue forward into the next month day-by-day, step-by-step. So, we find ourselves in the book of 2 Samuel in the Old Testament and we’re dealing with David’s life and it’s like, the whole story took a weird turn yesterday. The army is in battle, David has stayed back in Jerusalem, he sees a beautiful woman named Bathsheba taking a bath, he summons her and ah, the result is a pregnancy, ah, very, very likely Bathsheba didn’t have a whole lot of say in any of this but she is a married woman who’s pregnant with somebody else’s child so she lets the king know that, who then hatches his own plan to try to do a cover-up that doesn’t work. And so, the king has one of his loyal warriors Uriah the Hittite, the husband of Bathsheba, he has him put in a very, very dangerous place where he is likely to be killed in battle and he is. We’re not quite done with this story but we left our reading yesterday very clear that what David did was evil in the sight of God. And so, that’s essentially where we pick up the story. 2 Samuel chapter 12.

Commentary:

Okay, so in 2 Samuel, um David had done something evil before the Lord, evil in general. And the prophet Nathan comes to tell David a story and it’s a story about a rich man and a poor man, rich man has plenty, poor man has almost nothing but he does have this little lamb um that he bought that he loves it’s a part of the family. And the rich man has a guest and he doesn’t want to take from his own flock so he goes and steals the poor man’s family member and slaughters and serves it up. Of course, David’s hearing this story as the king and he has all of the authority of the king and so his blood is boiling like ‘off with his head’ sort of thing, until he realizes this is you, this is you David, this is what you have done and David takes it, uh, full force. And he repents but we’ll notice something because we’ve actually turned a corner in the reign of David. David is a good man after God’s own heart as the bible says and he had to grow up in some really strange circumstances and grow up really, really fast. And he also has done some really, really bad things. We can step back and say that this thing that David did with Bathsheba, yeah that disqualifies him but then we gotta step back and look in the mirror and go like, what have I done that disqualifies me then. Because, yeah, maybe I haven’t killed anybody, yeah I never had that kind of authority but who knows what I would have done had I had that kind of authority at some points in my life. Who knows what we’re capable of because we’re all capable of some really, really horrible things. All we need to do is look at human history to realize the depths of horribleness that we’re capable of but when we remember that we are utterly dependent on God we’re telling a totally different story. Things are never gonna be the same for David. We’ve kind of worked through all of his childhood and his ascension to the throne and his honor and his excellence but after this Bathsheba thing he loses the respect of his family. And, things are never the same for David’s reign as we will see. As we head towards this next chapter, this next season in David’s reign in the days ahead. Things never ever go back. He struggles from this point forward.

In the book of John we’re, we’re…we’re nearing the end. And Jesus is giving conversation to His friends, his disciples, giving them advanced words, giving them understanding. And He’s essentially telling them the time that we’re about to go into together here it’s gonna be kind of like a woman in labor. We’re about to be in some painful struggles together because something new is being born. So, He like, explains it to them like labor, she’s in pain, she’s having contractions, she’s pushing, she’s doing all of the things, it’s a painful process for her but once the baby is born, once the baby is delivered that’s not what she focusing…she’s not focusing on the pain anymore, she’s focusing on the joy of new life. And so, Jesus is essentially saying think of like that, like in your heart and in that direction. And then He spends a…a good amount of time on this concept, like, I’m going somewhere you can’t go and um, in a very, very little while you’re not gonna see me anymore, I’ll be gone, but then you will see me again and it’s kinda cryptic. And the disciples aren’t understanding it and He knows it and He keeps explaining it to them. And so, how can we look at this? He’s gonna go away and they’re not gonna be able to see Him and then they are gonna be able to see Him. I mean there’s a couple of ways that we can look at this that I think we can all…they can… they are all correct. For the disciples, they are going to need to learn a new way of seeing Jesus, a new way of understanding Jesus. Like, after His resurrection things are gonna be different. They’re never…even when they see Him physically, like they’re never gonna be able to see Him again. This is somebody who rose from the dead, this is the glorified Son of the most High God. So, they can’t see Him the same but He also isn’t going to be staying and so they have to see Him different. Which is one of His central messages, ‘do you have eyes to see and ears to hear this kingdom’. So, He’s been teaching them about eyes to see and ears to hear and now it’s gonna have to be put into actual practice. We’ll remember from the gospels that when the disciples see Jesus again after His resurrection it’s kind of confusing, they don’t recognize Him, they’re not…I mean He disappears, like all of these things happen until He finally ascends to the Father, then He’s gone and they have to go back to Jerusalem alone and talk about it and He’s been so clear about love. He’s been so clear about loving one another and having compassion on one another. He’s been so clear about this is how the world will even know that we’re disciples of Jesus it’s the way we love one another. And so, at some point this Spirit of Truth that Jesus talks about, that we talk about, we pray for all of the time. The Comforter is going to be sent and their gonna have to begin to realize that Christ is not an external human figure on the earth anymore. He’s ascended to the Father sent the Comforter back. It’s the same Spirit that raised Christ from the dead that now indwells us when we look at each other we’re supposed to be able to see that. So, Jesus is saying, I’m gonna go away and you’re not gonna be able to see me and then you are if you have eyes to see and ears to hear. But this also kind of is an eschatological statement like about the end we would call that the second Advent. So, the season of Advent leading up to Christmas, Advent means arrival, and so we observe this season going into Christmas to commemorate and  celebrate the arrival of the Savior. And we have an understanding that we are waiting now for a second Advent, another arrival in which He will rule and reign forever. So, He’s going to go away and you won’t be able to see Him and then you will be able to see Him again. And we find ourselves in the in-between of that, in the waiting of that. And in the waiting we realize He has not abandoned us, He is within us. He’s everywhere if we have eyes to see and ears to hear. And we will have the Spirit of truth to lead and guide us on the path, illuminating the path. And I love that, I’m thankful, I’m thankful for that. We all need the Spirit of Truth and so that’s why we pray. The Spirit would lead us into all truth as He promised. So often because we’re here at the scriptures and that’s what we’re here to understand the truth; to get our eyes open and our ears open so that we can see what’s really going on here so we can participate and collaborate with God and His work in the world instead of this small story where we’re just trying to find our place in the culture. There’s like a way, way, way bigger story going on that we’re invited into but we need guidance into all truth.

Prayer:

And so, as we so often do Holy Spirit would you come into this? We invite You by opening our hearts to You, we believe that You are the Comforter and that will lead us into all truth if we will simply pay attention and seek wisdom and seek Your voice, watch for Your movements within us and the things that You are after inside of us. Because so often we’re facing external ‘what are you doing in this world’ when actually in begins with us, ‘what are you doing inside of me? Transforming me, that I might have eyes to see, that I might have ears to hear, that I might know that I’m being led into all truth’. And so, continue Your work of sanctification in us we pray. In the name of Jesus we ask. Amen.

Announcements:

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And that’s it for today I’m Brian, I love you and I’ll be waiting for you here, tomorrow.

Prayers and Encouragement:

Hey DAB fam this is Dave from Pennsylvania calling. I just had one of the greatest Saturday nights I’ve had in a while. So, after going to Gateway our house of prayer we ah, we went up to our normal dining spot and to fellowship afterwards. And, sorry, excuse my painting, I just finished a 5-mile run. Yeah, so we went over to our dining, dining hall and uh, well we fellowshipped there for about 2 hours then most of the guys left and then it was just 3 of us left. And we were talking for…until 4 in the morning. Then another person came in for their breakfast before and well we got into a conversation with them. We listened to his testimony and well in 2005 he was in motorcycle accident which kind of left him literally dead on the side of the road. When he’s found by the first responders they had to bring him back to life and bring him to the hospital and he had a major injury to his brain. Well after uh what seemed to be the 3rd or 4th time as far as his testimony is concerned he…the operation was held, he got the brain clots out of his brain and without turning into a vegetable turned him into a normal human being. So he was able to walk around, he lost nothing, nothing. That’s how much the Lord was with him. He lost literally nothing. He was in an accident that left him dead on the side of the road and through operations which would have left him in a state of vegetation the Lord brought him back to life. And he’s up walking around, I mean, he works at a machine shop now. Like, that’s how good God is. See ya DAB, God Bless.

This is PG from NC I called in to pray for Kingdom Seeker Daniel’s family. Brother just be encouraged. Uh, I remember when you called in before and said that uh, your kids were in all sorts of directions, estranged from you, mostly because of your ex-wife and that their lives were…all had challenges and they were far from God. So, we’re just gonna pray with you again this morning. Lord this morning we pray for Daniel Jr., Lord I pray that uh, in the midst of his incarceration, in the midst of this situation, God I pray that You would begin to reveal Yourself. Lord, I pray You’d send the right people and speak the right things Lord that would um, capture his…not only his attention but capture his heart. Lord, I pray that um, that God You would do a complete and deep work. Lord, it would be easy to pray for a quick and easy rescue from this problem but God so much more we need a deep and complete work in him, Lord, one that draws him to You. And so, God do Your work. Lord, I pray that in the midst of that God that somehow, You’d also do a work and reach uh, his siblings and Daniel Jrs mom. God there is so much redemption and possibility and opportunity here. And I just pray that You’d do that work that only You can do. Lord for Daniel and Lady of Victory, God, this morning, I just pray that You would just encourage them. God, that You would give them glimpses of the work that You’re doing in Daniel Jr situation as well as those around him. And God, we give You glory. Amen.

Good morning DAB God bless you all. Kingdom Seeker Daniel I am praying for your son who was arrested. I am praying in the name of Jesus to have an encounter with God first and foremost. I am praying in the name of Jesus for God to mercy, for God’s grace to be upon him. I am praying for the presence of God to be revealed to him and to pray in the name of Jesus to come to him the way He came to Saul on this road to Damascus. I am praying in the name of Jesus for a total turnaround in the name of Jesus. And to use this experience to be a witness to others of what God is doing in his life in the name of Jesus. And I am praying for the Comforter to be upon all of you as you all go through this process regarding your son in the name of Jesus. Alavia from New Mexico you called in for your co-worker um who lost her daughter who was murdered 2 months ago and other family members who she also lost I am prayer for financial struggles and the spiritual warfare. I cannot imagine what she’s going through, I just can’t. Just knowing that she lost her daughter to murder and…and everything else is just like, it…it, it just overwhelms. I am praying for the Comforter to be upon her in the name of Jesus. I am praying for God’s love to just be wrapped around her that she would be smothered up in His love in the name of Jesus. I am praying in the name of Jesus that the Lord is gonna open doors for her that’s going to bring financial freedom in the name of Jesus. I am binding every spiritual attack upon her in the name of Jesus. This is Esther from Orlando uh Kissimmee Florida haha.

Hey Daily Audio Bible my name is Zachary Star and I barely ever call in but I’ve been a long-time listener and I’ve always appreciated the Daily Audio Bible. And I was just wondering if anyone has it on their heart to pray for me? I feel, for some time now, very certain that God is calling me to be a pastor. And more specifically I pray that as God equips me and calls…you know, and calls me to be the man He wants me to be, that He would be the one to shape me. That His hand would be the one that shapes me to be the pastor that He has called me to be. I…one of the challenges I see going forward and just in life, I want to be who God calls me to be, I want to do the right thing and the way He would want me to do, and I see so many things done today at church that I don’t necessarily think that’s the way it should be. And everybody has a certain frame, uh, a frame that has either been constructed for you know, for things to be more easily understood uh, we have different denominations, we have church governments but when it comes down to it I really want people to know Him and that’s really what it’s all about. But that’s what God is calling me to do if you could just pray and that God would be the one that would shape me. Um, we have His word, we have His Holy Spirit and I really want Him to be the soul shaper of my life, even in my calling. If you could just pray for me, I would really appreciate it, thank you very much. I hope you will all will be blessed and be encouraged in Jesus name. Amen.

[braxarchives]

The Talk ― CANON. (current verse)

Max attempts to move on, which leads to Brady coming to the realization that opening up is better than hiding in the dark. Facts about his upbringing come to light, and a truly honest conversation is finally had.

Headcanons following the events of 011: Things between Brady and Max had cooled down some following the extra ass hookup on Brady’s birthday. Now emotionally in a slightly better place and realizing that he doesn’t want to keep sabotaging their friendship, Max has begun to pull back - and started to casually see someone else in the process.  

------

Brady, sprawled out on the couch high out of his mind? Totally unheard of. Okay. So it wasn’t, at all, not even a little bit. But what was a bit different was how he felt. Which was... sad. He couldn’t really put it any other way. He’d already gone through feeling pissed off and disgusted and a multitude of other things, mostly toward himself but which he attempted to project onto his thoughts about Max. And now he was just sad. He knew he fucked up; he’d known it for months now, since he first let Max kiss him and then let things progress for months and eventually put a stop to it because he couldn’t get past his own shit. But he supposed it didn’t actually hit him just how much it fucking sucked until recently, when he realized Max was seeing someone else.

Well, Brady didn’t actually know what was going on, exactly. They couldn’t really talk about that shit, not fully, not like they used to. But he knew his best friend and the way Max was acting told Brady all he needed to know. He’d found out about the girl and since then, Max was out a lot more on random nights (much like this one, though to be fair, Brady hadn’t asked where he was going), and Brady could put two and two together. He just didn’t want to. And that was what led him to lie back on the couch, taking a long hit of the joint in his hand as he screwed his eyes shut tightly, willing himself to stop imagining Max with somebody else, and to ignore how fucking awful it made him feel. It was impossible to ignore it, though. It was all he’d been thinking about for weeks now. Brady wanted him. He had for way too fucking long and he needed to stop getting in his own way. Although he knew he couldn’t just step up now and think Max owed him shit; he didn’t think that. But he owed a whole lot to Max, not the least of which being honesty. When Max got home, Brady stayed where he was. His body felt heavy despite the way his heart rate picked up when he heard Max come in. Brady was so done being a coward. He was hiding behind his past, the one Max knew next to nothing about and that wasn’t at all fair to him. Brady had to just man up and get real. Otherwise nothing was ever going to change. “Max,” Brady muttered, still staying where he was and staring up at the ceiling. “Hey. C’mere for a sec.” After what felt like an eternity, Brady pushed himself to sit up. He couldn’t quite look him in the eye yet, though. “Wanna tell you somethin’.” Before he continued, Brady reached over to offer him the joint.

The party wasn’t nearly as fun as Max had hoped it’d be. There were few people he actually knew or recognized. There were barely any drinks or weed or even some damn chips. The only real bright side to it was Calia, who’d for some reason been hanging out with him for the past couple of weeks. She was freaking gorgeous, and confident, and made him laugh. He really didn’t know that much about her, truthfully, but being around her had just been fun. And it was nice to get outside of his own head and bullshit around for awhile. He realized he’d been in his own feelings a little too much lately, and wasn’t acting enough like his normal self, like maybe everyone was used to. So he’d been going out more, meeting new people. And just a few short weeks ago, he’d met her.

Tonight, they both had found their own spot away from everybody else, out on the balcony. She'd tried to teach him a bunch of different things in ASL that he probably did wrong, or were probably definitely not the words she was telling him they were. But she'd laughed and kissed him anyway, so he figured it didn’t really matter all that much. But the night was cut short; she had to be back home for whatever reason and he hadn’t cared much about sticking around to try to entertain himself tonight anyway. So he found himself back at his apartment, stepping in through the door, and the first thing he noticed was the familiar smell of weed wafting throughout the air and assaulting his senses head on. Brady. Sure enough, his friend was there, stretched out on their couch like a really big ass cat. Max nodded to him, the half smile that always seemed to cross his face at these moments appearing yet again. He tucked his keys back in his jacket pocket and nodded over at him. “Wassup, man.” He said in greeting, noting the way his friend seemed to be glued to the cushions. And suddenly he felt a familiar little tug of...something. Max wished Brady had gone to the party, too. They always used to do shit together. And Max had always had the most fun when he was around. They’d been good lately, despite everything, but they still haven’t completely gotten back to the way they used to be. Max was partly to blame for that, because maybe he was still feeling things that made it awkward to treat him like just his best friend. But it still made him sad. He just missed him. He couldn’t really help it.

Max let his thoughts drift absentmindedly as he neared the couch, eyeing him curiously as he outstretched his hand to take what was offered to him. "Yeah? Everything okay?" He let himself fall onto the cushions beside Brady, examining the joint before raising it to his lips. He paused as he took a hit, letting the smoke fill his lungs before slowly letting it billow from his lips. He wordlessly handed it back to Brady before turning his full attention to him. ”Didn’t let Ratthew out of his cage again, did you?” He nudged Brady’s shoulder with his own. “Told you last time I’d kick your ass.”

Still staring ahead at nothing in particular, Brady took the joint back and simply held it for a moment, unsure of what to say. Max was goofing around with him like normal and Brady appreciated that, but he just couldn’t bring himself to say anything like that back. “I want to, um.” He stopped. He’d probably never had this conversation with fucking anybody before, because it hadn’t mattered so much in the past. Only one girlfriend he’d ever had actually mattered enough to him for him to introduce her to his family, but that hadn’t been anything like this at all. She was a girl, after all. “I never really told you ‘bout my parents. Like... at all.” It wasn’t like Brady didn’t ever mention them, and it wasn’t a secret that they didn’t have a stellar relationship. But he had never expanded upon that, had never explained why that was. Taking another hit, he still wasn’t sure if he was ready to, but then maybe he no longer had a fucking choice.

Brady put out the joint, because although he still wanted to hold it he knew he’d be better off if he just saved the rest of it for after they were done here. “You know about like, all the military shit.” Where his father, and his father’ father, and his father’s father’s father’s uncle’s stepson’s brother and whoever the fuck else had been; where they’d wanted Hunter to be, but had given up on Brady. “But that’s not the only reason the Colonel was kind of a dick. Is kind of a dick.” Brady shrugged. “Always just kinda wondered if he even wanted kids. ‘Cause it was like he didn’t wanna be an actual dad, he wanted to be a military leader again. So if he did want kids he really coulda fooled me.” Brady shifted uncomfortably where he sat. His trust for Max was the only reason he could manage to get through this so he just had to do that. “My mom is better but they’re both conservative as fuck, and traditional. We weren’t really allowed to have our own beliefs growing up which was super fucked. And even though we’re older they still don’t like to hear when things are different from how they taught us. Or... how they thought they did,” he muttered.

“But my dad, he—“ Brady stopped just to mess with the joint in his hand and take a breath. “God, he always made me feel like I was never fuckin’ good enough, you know? No matter what I did. He never told me he loved me or that he was proud of me or any of that shit you’re supposed to hear from your own fuckin’ parents. Then when I got older every day it was about how selfish and irresponsible I am and why can’t I be more like Hunter or just get my act together and be serious for once.” He didn’t know where he was going, but now that he’d started talking about it, he couldn’t quite hold back. “My whole life I was just trying to be this perfect little adult and couldn’t get it right. So I never learned how to take care of people. Just how to manage how shitty some people can make you feel, and how to have fun even when there’s someone in the world who just doesn’t fucking want you to.” 

For the first time he managed to look at Max’s face. “I’m a whole fucking mess, dude. A mess I didn’t wanna drag you into. We were fine when we were just friends because I knew I couldn’t hurt you. But now we’re not that anymore and...I already hurt you so who knows what the fuck I’d manage to screw up if we—“ Brady trailed off and looked back down at his lap. “Whatever. My dad just made me feel like I can’t handle anything like that. Being the right person for someone when apparently I’m not even who I’m supposed to be.” He shook his head. He knew it was all bullshit, that the Colonel was projecting some crazy ideas of who he thought Brady should be onto him and that he couldn’t force it. But it was hard not to let it get to him. All he’d heard all his life, from his own father. “Sure you’ve noticed my relationships have never actually...been relationships.” Because he always pushed and ran away. “I don’t know how to do that. And I didn’t want you to be where I tried and inevitably fucked up.”

Max caught on pretty quickly to the fact that this wasn’t a normal situation. Normally Brady joked back instantly; played along with whatever bullshit he said. This time, though, he was just sitting there quietly. It sent warning bells off in Max’s mind, concern settling in at the idea that something might be wrong. He was immediately on high-alert when he began to talk about his parents. Brady so rarely talked about his family; not like this. So he stayed silent at first and just let him get out whatever was on his mind. “Ah. Man. I’m so sorry,” he said quietly, not knowing what else to say at first. He just drew one leg onto the couch, folding it so he could turn his body sideways to face him. There were things Brady had mentioned before, offhand, that led him to believe that his family was on the stricter side. He never delved deeper than that, and Max never pushed his boundaries. Now that he was finally talking about it, though, it was clear how tense things really were with his Dad. His chest hurt at Brady being so seemingly vulnerable. He wasn't like this often, if ever. And a big part of him was glad he trusted him, even now, to talk about it. “That’s a lot of pressure to put on just a kid. And on you now. You deserve to live your own life, Brady. You’re not wrong for wanting that.” And he really hoped he knew that. Max studied him carefully, trying to understand what he was trying to tell him by gauging the look on his face. Max’s parents were the exact opposite of what his friend was describing. He could only imagine what it was like to have parents who expected you to be one way. It was no wonder why it was effecting him so much right now. They were his family. They were supposed to be the people who supported you the most.

A certain protectiveness swelled in his chest as Brady went on. He wished things had been different for him, or that his parents would ease up on him now. The way he fidgeted made him want to reach out and still his hands with his own, but he didn’t. Max knew he probably needed to just say what he needed to say. “Have y’ever talked to him? About all of this?” He asked, gently, not knowing if that was a dumb question or not. He’d always been free to voice shit to his parents, if something was bothering him. But Brady didn’t seem to have that same luxury. ”Does he not listen at all?” Max wished he could be more help, and he wasn’t even sure what brought this all anyway. But he supposed it didn’t matter. If he needed to talk to him he’d listen. “Hey, Brady. Dude. We’re fine.” He emphasized quietly as he looked at him in earnest. “Yeah. I’ve been hurt, but not because you really did anything wrong. We’re still friends; not like I’m going anywhere. I haven’t gone anywhere for three years. I live with you, dude. I let you eat the last of my cereal. I trust you with all my social media passwords. I don’t even flinch when you’re a dick. And you have been a dick sometimes.” He almost wanted to smile, but it wasn’t the time or place. “But so have I. You’re my best friend, Brady. If you’re a mess, I’m a damn mess too. So you have shit going on with your family. Hard shit.” He held his gaze for a moment, trying to silently let him know that he understood. “That doesn’t make you a screw up. Just means you're in a bad situation.” He reached out, then, to place a careful hand on his arm as his friend looked at him. Max tried not to read too much into what he was saying; tried not to let the warmth spread through his chest as Brady tried to explain. But he couldn’t just ignore it completely.

“Listen. You don’t have’ta be anything. Not with...me. Or anyone else. No ones saying you have to change who you are just to make someone happy. I didn’t want that.” It felt weird to talk about what had happened with them now; after everything. But it was time that things needed to be said. Since Brady was being honest with him, he'd do the same. "I just wanted you." He willed himself to talk steady so Brady understood him. This wasn't about him right now, or how he felt. It was about Brady. "You're not a fuck up. Everyone who fucking knows you knows that. You're one of the best people I've ever met. And nothing you could do would make me think any different. Just wish you believed it." He let his hand drop between them, but didn't look away from him. "And if your Dad doesn't see that then he's fuckin' missing out, man."

“Talk to him and say what?” Brady knew Max was just trying to be helpful, and he appreciated it. It was just hard not to be on the defense during a conversation like this. Brady shook his head slowly. “It’s not like what you have, man. He doesn’t wanna hear me out. Doesn’t matter what I say. I’m wrong.” The thing was, he and his dad were able to have decent talks sometimes, that Brady even enjoyed here and there. But at the end of the day, he had to be so careful about what they talked about and what he said. He wouldn’t exactly call that great conversation. Even this, just talking about all that shit and how it affected Brady was hard. Max was reassuring as always and Brady swallowed despite the lump in his throat. He was wrong that he’d been a dick; he hadn’t done anything wrong. It was Brady who fucked with him unfairly. “You’re not, though,” Brady argued. It wasn’t that he didn’t think Max had his own shit to deal with, but Christ, he was such a good guy. He knew what to say and do and he deserved someone who could give that back to him. Someone he could remind that they weren’t a screw up and have them actually believe him because that sure wasn’t Brady. At least he didn’t flinch away from Max’s touch.

“Max, bro, it’s... not that simple.” He wished it was. If all he had to get through was figuring out how to do things right, this whole thing might not have been so messed up. But of course that wasn’t it. “It’s not just about that stuff.” Brady paused and sighed. “Look. I was like, I dunno, fourteen or something when I realized just how fucked up things were. My brother, he started seeing this dude seriously. Living together and shit, found out later on they were gonna get married and all that. But they didn’t. And a lot of it had to do with our parents.” The air around them felt heavy. When Brady wasn’t speaking the silence was deafening. So he kept going. “You shoulda heard the shit my dad would say. My mom, she just refused to call him Hunter’s boyfriend. Said his friend would be coming for Thanksgiving or whatever. But my dad wasn’t that subtle. Made goddamn sure I knew how he felt. It was unnatural. A sin. God, such fucking bullshit.” Repeating it all made Brady’s blood boil. He hated that it had to be a thing. And he especially hated now looking into Max’s eyes as he recounted it. “Couldn’t exactly come out to them after that. Or anyone,” he explained, his voice and everything else about him feeling incredibly small at the moment. “And I couldn’t... I couldn’t do that to you.” The sadness returned, replacing the brief anger he felt, and Brady had to look away from him again. “I don’t know if my parents are ever gonna know who I really am because I just can’t fuckin’ stand the idea of being even less to them.” His eyes stung and Jesus fuck, there was no goddamn way he was going to cry. “You wanted me but you didn’t ask to play this stupid game with me. And I don’t want you to have to.”

It didn’t quite click in Max’s head until Brady delved deeper into the issue, and suddenly everything made sense. Max hadn’t even known Brady was into guys as well until recently, and he always figured he had his reasons for keeping it to himself. Part of him just always thought it was how he was; a private person. He never quite put two and two together that his Dad might be the reason for it, and it made him nauseous that Brady had to deal with it. Max was lucky that his own parents accepted him, but he was well aware that there were families that weren’t like that. He just never thought, or wanted to think, that his best friend came from one of them.

“That’s not something anyone should go through. Not you, or your brother. I know they’re your family, but... Brady. There’s nothing wrong with you.” He spoke quietly, though his words were adamant. “You care about them.” Of course he did. They were his parents. “You want them to accept you. I’m not gonna sit here and tell you you’re wrong for feelin’ the way you do.” Max had dealt with those types of people before. When he was a freshman in High School, he’d react to the names and the comments and the looks. He’d argue back, just as emphatically as some of the comments, which sometimes resulted in bruises he’d struggled to hide from his family. But the difference was, even after dealing with all that shit, he could come back home to people who did accept him. Who loved him. Now everything else didn’t get to him anymore, or at least not quite as much or as often. Because he knew at the end of the day he’d be okay. His gut twisted at the realization that Brady didn’t have that at all. “It’s your family and it’s your life, and no wonder you don’t want to tell them. I wouldn’t either.” Honestly. “But it's not good to not feel like you can be yourself. Even if you’re not ready to tell them.” After hearing that Max wasn’t sure when anyone could possibly be ready for that encounter. “I never meant to... make it seem like I wanted you to immediately... I don’t know. Come out or something.” Max swallowed. “I know I can be a lot, man. But I never expected you to be. You've always been different than me." Max was always the one to be in front of the camera; Brady was more behind the scenes. Quieter. Less abrasive. He always admired that about him. He never knew some of that might because he was scared to show certain sides of himself.

"I just knew I was into you.” He paused, his heart thumping hard in his chest. "Am into you.  It’s not a game. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like for you. But I'm...fuckin' here, man. You say you don't want me to have to be in it. But what if I want to be?" He shook his head, but didn't look away. "You really think something like that's gonna stop me? Look at who you're talking to, bro." He almost wanted to laugh. "You know... how I feel. I’m not gonna just change my mind because you’re not out. Or because we might fuck up. Or because you’re going through shit. Doesn’t work that way. No ones telling you to change who you are or to spill everything to your parents. It’s just. If you want something, whether its me or. Someone else...” Though the thought put a bad taste in his mouth. “I don’t want you to miss out on something that could be good if you gave it a chance.”

“Just... stop, okay? I know that’s not what you meant. And it’s not what I said.” Anyone who knew Brady knew that he liked to do things on his own terms. That included coming out and everything else that meant absolutely anything to him. Max of all people wasn’t about to make him feel like he had to do one thing or the other. “I am myself. Mostly. Just not to them.” He thought he could hold off until later, but almost instinctively Brady found himself reaching into his pocket for his lighter. “If I wasn’t mostly myself around them I wouldn’t have skipped college. And definitely wouldn’t be in filmmaking.” It broke their poor little hearts, but Brady didn’t give a fuck. So why did he care so much about this? He’d never had a clue, and he still didn’t, so instead of dwelling on it he lit the joint again.

Once again Max was the best person he knew, and it only made Brady shake his head, guilt and so many other feelings forming a pit in his stomach. The mention of someone else made Brady feel like he was sinking into the sofa. There certainly wasn’t anybody else. At least not anyone serious, whose name he could even remember. “That’s the thing,” he said, expelling the smoke he’d just been holding in his lungs. “Don’t think it can be good. What I want. Not with them in the picture.” He couldn’t help but picture a repeat of the situation with Hunter, and frankly, Brady didn’t think he could handle it. “You don’t know what you’re talkin’ about. You really don’t.” Brady knew that if they were going to do anything for real, make this an actual thing, it would only be between them for... god knows how long. And Max deserved better than being somebody’s dirty little secret. After a moment Brady looked up at him, lowering his voice as if somebody might be able to hear them despite being alone in the apartment. “You realize I wouldn’t be able to tell them about you,” he said, hoping Max caught on to his hypothetical. “Or... fuckin’ anybody ‘cause it would get back to them.” The idea of not being able to tell them something so deeply personal, their own son, made his jaw tighten. “I wish I could tell them, I’m just.” Scared. But fuck if he was gonna say it. “I dunno. Point is you don’t deserve that.” He stopped, once again fidgeting with the joint, but more carefully this time. “Just want you to be happy, y’know?” He had never felt this nauseous before, and he wasn’t sure what exactly it was. Maybe the thought that Max being happy meant doing whatever he was doing now with whats her name. “And I don’t think I can do that.”

Max knew that Brady was for the most part, himself. That's what he liked about him; had always liked about him. He was never afraid to say what was on his mind or to make it clear when he had something to say. Which is why this was all kind of a shock, even if the signs were all there. He just felt the need to reassure him in that moment, even if it wasn't helping him. He was still so... sad. And he wished he could help more than he was. But he couldn't change the way people thought. No one could. "I'm sorry," he said, quietly, not for the first time. "That you're in that situation. I don't want to make it harder for you. But, man..." His eyes followed the smoke wafting out of Brady's mouth, and the sight was so familiar. This wasn't just some guy. He never had been just some guy. He shook his head, and Max's tone shifted. He was going to lay it all out for him, was going to have to. "Fuck you if you think I don't know exactly what I want." Normally it would be said with a laugh, but his tone remained serious. "Maybe you could say that shit to someone else, and they'd go along with it. I know you're trying to do what you thinks best. You're a good guy, Brady." He searched his eyes, trying to let him know that he meant it. Had always thought it. "But I've been happy with you for like three years. And that was just as friends. If we let it be something more, it'd be hard. I'll agree with you 'bout that." He wasn't completely idealistic, he knew very well what it was like to hide things. And it might be one of the hardest things in the world, but again, this was Brady. "But come on, man. Is it that crazy to think that maybe it could be really fucking good, too?"

He shook his head, and dared to shift closer to him. "I understand why you don't want to drag anyone into this. But what if I want to be?" He wasn't going to beat around the bush anymore. "I'm into you, Brady. You probably know that's not exactly a recent thing." Max barely figured it out himself, but it was suddenly all so painfully clear to him. "You don't have to be my...boyfriend, or whatever other term you wanna use. I understand where you're coming from." He did, too. And he didn't want to overstep with him, but he felt like since Brady was being honest. Now was the time to be honest too. "But I want you, and I'm not gonna back away unless you really want me to." It was easy to feel hopeful when Brady was saying all this stuff, finally opening up. He swallowed and gently reached out with both hands. One clasped around Brady's wrist to still it while the other carefully plucked the joint from his fingers. But he didn't raise it to his own lips, not yet. "And that's the question. What do you want?"

Brady thought he might have started to panic and run away again when this got even more serious, turning into a legitimate conversation about what they could become, but that wasn’t the case at all. The anxiety he’d felt about talking about his parents slowly gave way to warmth. Maybe it was because he was so high, but he knew it also had to do with Max always having that effect on him. Every fucking time. And he liked hearing that someone cared about him enough to want him even through all of the bullshit that no one deserved. “I only wanted you to ‘cause... you didn’t know about any of this shit,” Brady explained, his voice low. “It felt kinda shady to let you say all that and just accept it when I knew there were gonna be problems.” Granted, he shouldn’t have let it get that far without a conversation in the first place. But what could he do now? He didn’t even flinch when Max touched him, not until he was taking the joint from him. Without even asking. Brady looked at him, this close to ignoring his question entirely. But he figured he could handle both. “I just want you to understand what’s going on here. That it was never about...not liking you, or feeling any of that same stuff. And if you get what I’m saying here,” he started, but paused before adding and you’re not gonna wanna tell people because that was probably unspoken, “then I don’t see why we can’t keep doing what we were doing, but. Without excuses, I guess.” They both knew it was never just hooking up, but Brady obviously hadn’t had any way to say that without telling him everything. “I dunno, though,” he added, reaching over to take it back between his fingers. “First problem is I don’t wanna associate with anyone who thinks they can just take my weed without asking.” Brady raised an eyebrow at him.

Max had been left confused over the whole situation with Brady for months. For awhile, he hadn’t been sure if a lot of it was in his own head; wishful thinking. He’d gone through a range of emotions: embarrassment, hurt, confusion. There had always been something off about how Brady had acted when Max had let on to how he felt, but he hadn’t been about to argue with him about it any more than he had. So now that he was finally telling him the truth, Max was just relieved. If not cautiously optimistic. But on the other hand, he was sad for him. He’d had no idea about the stuff with his parents, and it did make sense why he hadn’t wanted to get involved with him. But Max wasn’t the type to just give up on something because it might not be what he expected. “I do get it. I get what you’re saying.” And he did. “I’m not gonna lie to you and say it’s just gonna be second nature for me. I mean, I’m out. More than out. Have been for a long time.” It had been a part of himself for so long that it was just second nature to be vocal about it. “But I understand why you’re not. And I’m not gonna. I dunno. Do anything to make that worse for you. Or try to get you to do anything before... Before you’re ready, you know?” He could really use that joint that Brady grabbed back from him right now, but he couldn’t help but grin regardless. Still Brady even when they were trying to have a freakin’ heart to heart, or whatever this could be classified is. Max wasn’t entirely sure what even brought this on, but he almost couldn’t believe he was talking to him about this right now. It made his chest feel warm, despite the fact he wouldn’t let him smoke his weed, obviously.

”Yeah? Weird. Don’t think I can associate with anyone who’s so stingy. Guess this conversations over now.” But he didn't argue it or try to be annoying like he normally maybe would be; didn't really feel up to it when his mind was on other things. The teasing fell off, his small smile fading as he shook his head.  “Listen, if you really mean all that. If you feel comfortable. Then okay. We can keep doing what we were doing before. No excuses. And if it’s too much. You can tell me. I know... I know we’ve been weird and shit. But we’re friends.” His words were genuine and he felt fucking vulnerable all over again. He didn’t think they’d been having this conversation. He’d been putting the whole thing out of his mind for the sake of their friendship; been keeping himself busy. And just like that, guilt settled into his gut. Calia. “But I've...got to be honest with you too. I’ve been — kind of seeing someone. For a little while. Just a couple weeks. Not a big deal or anything. We’re mostly just friends." He felt guilty. He’d known how he felt about Brady when he’d started to get to know other people, but at that point he figured whatever was going on between them was over and done with. They hadn’t been dating or anything anyway; that was clear from the beginning. And he hadn’t been really trying to keep it from him. They had agreed to get their friendship on track. But now he felt like he needed to tell him for the sake of not feeling shady, like he’d kept something from him. Although he knew he probably didn’t need to explain himself. “It’s not serious. Just. Yeah.” He reached a hand up to run through his hair. “It’s been... a real weird past couple of months.”

It felt good to fix things — or to start to fix things, at least. Brady could finally take a breath knowing he hadn’t ruined things with his best friend forever. He should have known it was going to take a lot more to come between them; they’d have had to officially figure it out eventually. “Appreciate that.” This wasn’t gonna be ideal for anyone, whatever they decided to do. At least not right away. But like everything else in his life, Brady would figure it out. He had to deal; he had no choice. And that was what he had been telling himself since Max had started hanging with somebody else, which he was all too painfully reminded of as Max himself brought it up. Brady shifted in his seat and took another long hit, pretty much just to occupy himself as Max spoke so he didn’t squirm. “I know.” God, did he know. “It’s whatever.” It wasn’t just whatever, it hadn’t been whatever since the moment Max had first mentioned going to hang out with someone god knows how long ago now. But Brady wasn’t going to tell him how sick it made him feel because that wasn’t fair. Brady had made it clear he didn’t want things with Max to go any further and he had respected that. So Brady had no place to care. And yet...he did. “You can do whatever you want,” he mumbled. He was trying not to sound as shitty as he felt, but it was the truth regardless. Brady didn’t control his choices. He didn’t know what else to say about that, frankly, so without looking up he reached over and offered him the joint again, this time on Brady’s own terms.

Max felt off telling him that; like it was wrong to say it out loud. Still, it felt even worse not saying it and pretending like he hadn’t been hanging out with someone else during the time they were not... doing what they had gotten used to doing. Max had been trying to separate himself, if he were being honest. He hadn’t wanted to ruin their friendship by continuing to have feelings for him if Brady didn’t want them, and he knew himself. He knew he got into his own head and had a tendency to be a little too emotional when it came to certain things, so he’d put himself out there again. But suddenly everything he knew changed; got flipped around. And Brady was essentially saying he wanted him, too, despite all of the things that had held him back before. Max was having a real hard time not feeling fucking hopeful about that and not fixating on that particular detail, because it was obvious Brady had trouble talking about his family and everything he’d just told him. He didn’t want to overstep any boundaries he might still have, but he also had been fucking... pining over him, for the lack of a better term, for God knows how long now. And now when Brady was admitting to him that maybe it wasn’t entirely one-sided, God, that same feeling came back almost instantly. “That’s not what I’m trying to... I just wanted to be honest.” He shook his head as he took the joint that was now offered to him, but now he wasn’t even thinking about smoking it. Just held it in his hand, twisting it in his fingers as he glanced out for a moment. “She's cool. Been a good friend.” What was he trying to say? His stomach kept turning anxiously. “But I keep thinkin' about how I miss you." And that wasn’t fair to her, even if it was just for fun. He wanted him to understand that. The idea of saying too much and scaring him off now was daunting, but he needed to know where he was at.

“Let me try that again. We did hook up.” Max peered at the side of his face, honest to God anxious. “But we’re... not going to anymore.” He knew Brady wasn’t his boyfriend, that this was all new for him. But Max wanted so badly to see where it could go. He’d never stopped wanting to try, even through their distance. Which normally would have been a problem, until suddenly it wasn’t. And he knew he could do what he wanted. But he’d already known who he’d wanted for some time now. He wasn’t gonna let that opportunity slip just because he’d been in his feelings. He lifted the joint to his lips once more; the smoke filling his lungs familiarly. “We were hanging out.” He reiterated, heart still kind of racing and he couldn’t seem to stop it. He held the joint back out to him, for good this time, trying to meet his eyes as he exhaled slowly. “But I’d rather be hanging out with you.” He paused, and he wanted to shift closer really badly in that moment. “And I want...” Max started, but stopped. Thinking over his words for once. “If it’s okay with you.” It was weird saying this out loud. This time without any alcohol involved. A little weed, maybe. But it was different. “I really wanna kiss you again. If that’s cool.” He stopped and cracked a smile. And fuck he hoped this wasn’t too much too soon. He’d never been this scared of someone turning him down before. But things were always different with Brady. “You should be proud of me, you know. That alone should warrant a yes. Didn’t even have a Four Loko this time.”

“Bro.” Brady knew what he was trying to do, to patch things up in his own way just like Brady himself was trying to, but it didn’t stop his stomach from twisting. “Gotta be honest, I know and I don’t really wanna hear it.” Max was too nice for his own good sometimes. But he was sure he could try to understand why Brady didn’t need him to be that transparent. And instead of coming right out and saying he was jealous as fuck, especially considering he had literally no right to be, he’d just make his responses crystal clear. He wanted to not care who she was and what Max did, but he’d be lying if he said that, so he decided not to. Brady’s heart pounded in his chest when Max said he wanted to kiss him and he couldn’t quite hide the smirk that finally overshadowed his grumpiness. Still, he couldn’t help but think he should hold back a little. “Is that a good idea?” he asked, mostly just wondering aloud. He knew they were having this whole conversation for a reason, but something in him told him it might not be right to jump right back into things right this second, for maybe the same reason Max had wanted to be so honest about what was going on with him. “I am,” he conceded with a firm nod. “But it’s also not like it was then.” Then it wasn’t supposed to mean anything. This was supposed to mean a whole lot more. And Brady almost felt like... he’d be wasting it, a first real kiss, if Max wasn’t actually thinking it through. “Just want you to be sure I guess.”

Max could tell Brady was getting upset, or maybe uncomfortable about what he was saying. So he wasn’t going to say anything more about it. It even made him feel a little guilty. He wanted him to know he wanted him; had wanted him. So now his instinct was to show him instead. It felt like a pretty good idea to him. This is what he’d wanted for way too long now, but Brady’s words caused him to take a small step back. So to speak. Sometimes it was hard for him to take a second to think or to stop himself from doing something that felt fucking right in the moment. But Brady had just told him the truth and told him about his parents. Maybe it was too much too soon, and he was trying hard to tell himself that as he made himself stop in his spot. “If you want to wait, or think I need to. Then okay.” He knew Brady meant about wanting something with him when things were like they were. But he couldn’t help that he already knew, without question, that he’d do it for Brady. “I can wait. I’m more patient than I look.” Max cracked another small half-grin to try to ease the mood, but at the same time, he was dead serious. He nudged his arm gently with his own, but made no moves to touch him any further, even if God knows he wanted to. Holding himself back was hard. But shit. This was Brady. He'd respect whatever he wanted to do. And maybe he should talk to Calia first, because he did want to do this right with him. And she deserved honesty too. "But just so you know, I'm gonna want to kiss you eventually. And I'm not going to change my mind about that. Not unless you do." His words were sincere. "Or your breath is really bad. But those are just about the only things that could scare me off, dude." He wasn't going to just turn him away because of his parents or because he wasn't ready to come out. Max was far from perfect. He didn't like keeping secrets, but he couldn't help but have a feeling this would be worth it.

Brady nodded in genuine understanding. He still felt fidgety, looking down so he could focus on the constant, dare he say it, nervous movement of his fingers. Because suddenly he was at a loss. He had said what he’d needed to say and so much of his anger, every negative feeling that had built up over the course of his life about his parents, had been put out into the universe and now it was melting away. Max didn’t make him feel that way; quite the opposite, in fact. So he was back to feeling a little deflated, almost sinking into the couch below him. Though maybe that had more to do with being high. He couldn’t be sure and he didn’t really care. “Well,” he said after a few long, quiet moments. “I think we should. Wait.” It sort of just felt like the right thing to do. Kissing Max was a gateway to a shit ton of emotions and physical urges that Brady didn’t really think would do either of them any good when he had just spilled his guts. “I just wanted to tell you that stuff.” Brady pulled his legs up onto the couch beside Max and lounged back a bit, almost kicking his friend in the process. But fuck it, he could deal. “I felt like I owed it to you, or something. After everything.” Everything he had done to screw Max over. But they both knew that. He rested the hand holding the joint over his knee. It was nearing its end at this point and Brady stared at for a moment before flicking his gaze back up to Max’s face. “I’m sorry, man,” he said quietly. A blanket statement, he supposed, because he didn’t specify further. It felt like something he should say, though. “I’m glad you didn’t tell me to go fuck myself.”

[neshatriumphs]

Don't Make Me Over 35

*Just realizing that I hadn’t put up the last couple of chapters in this space, but since I’m trying to finish up my fics, gonna go ahead and add these on my tumblr. Thanks.*

Sam was strumming his guitar and singing, or humming, or lipping words. He had a few days off of work. He spent them trying to find something to do around the house. He found out that Jonesy's people did all of the stuff around the house… and that they hung all around the house… all the time. Did Unique take on their home as a studio to work from until getting a new one? He wondered as he looked at her, lying on her belly on the loveseat while Jonesy was on her back on the couch. They were discussing their contracts, filming schedules, travel arrangements, maternity leave… "And we have candidates in place for nanny services when you return. You just need to make a decision."

"Oh!" Sam finally interrupted, "Nanny services?" He repeated, eyes on Jonesy instead of Unique.

Unique answered, "Now, before you try to go off on some tangent about nannies not being a good resource or children need their mothers or wherever you're intending to go with that look of disdain, let me tell you – women who can't afford nannies oftentimes spend less time with their children than the women who can… and those women often get less done around the house. Mothers have a full time job with a nearly impossible workload. A nanny is simply an additional pair of hands so that a mother does not have to compromise her career or other responsibilities while she raises her children."

"Mrs. Baylock said she was an extra pair of hands," Sam said.

Jonesy furrowed her eyebrows and shook her head, "That's only frightening if your baby is the Antichrist." She noted Unique's confused face, "Omen reference."

"I don't want to know your obscure movie references," she told her.

"Obscure? Movie is a classic!" Sam muttered, plucking his guitar strings a little harder than before.

"You do love the classics, don't you?" Unique asked with a smile. Sam threw her a look and she shrugged. "It's not the old days anymore, Sam. Jonesy can actually have a highly functioning career AND be a great mother. Have you ever seen Beyonce? Of course you have. That child looks loved as hell. You don't understand what a nanny is and what she does is the problem."

"Unique is providing the nanny as a perk of my job, Sam. So, it won't cost us anything extra and like she said, I will be around the baby more than anybody else in the world," Jonesy told him, rubbing his hair, as she did. He leaned into her petting, though his face still wore a sour pout, so she continued to coax him. "Think of her time with the nanny like time with a babysitter or time with a family friend or even time in a classroom. Some people send their kids to daycare so they can work. Mine will be relatively close, sometimes even on site and her caregiver won't even have to tend to any other children."

"I don't really like the thought of daycare, either. I mean, at least until its time for her to go to school, she should be at home with her mother."

"Her mother won't be at home, but if you feel that strongly about it, there is a such thing as a stay home dad," Unique reminded him. Sam furrowed his eyebrows even more. "Oh, so you want somebody to stay with the baby – just not you. Alright. Anyway…" Unique rolled her eyes and sat up, to scoot closer to Jonesy with the information. "If Jonesy tells me that she doesn't want a nanny and she wants to be at home and simply on call for times that I need her, that is fine. But Jonesy told me and we have been arranging that she wants to work, full time. She wants to travel with me for the long haul. I don't want to do it without her, but I will if I have to."

Jonesy waved a hand, "No, you don't have to. Why would you have to? I have a free nanny." To Sam she said, "We discussed this. I mean, we discussed that I wasn't going to quit my job. Remember? We couldn't afford it and I didn't want to."

"But, we didn't discuss a nanny, though," Sam said. "With all of the things that have happened, I just… honestly don't trust anybody." He shook his head and shrugged. "I mean, I can work out things so that my schedule lines up with when you won't be around so that I can watch her."

"Then, we wouldn't see each other and she wouldn't see the both of us, at the same time. Sam…" She looked at Unique, "Can we talk tomorrow?"

"Of course, Hunny. I'll be here, as always." She collected her things and rushed out.

"It feels like you're planning out the baby's life without me, again." Sam set the guitar aside and got up to sit on the couch, by her. She sat up, too. "It's not about the time or the plan or the person… well – it kinda is that too, but… this is OUR baby. We've discussed this."

"That's not what this is, Sam. This is my career. I was working on the plan and trying to get everything figured out before coming to you, Chief. I wanted it to sound as appealing as humanly possible before bringing it up, because I knew that you wouldn't like it, but I also know that its going to be excellent for me and it will not disadvantage her, at all. Not in the least bit. I'm not hiring a nanny so that I can spend summers in Tahiti or something. I'm hiring a nanny so that I can run errands, cook, clean up, and do makeup without carting Babycakes in a pouch on my chest." She held her hands out, "I've been collecting instances of children raised with nannies who have better relationships with their mothers than children raised by their mothers without nannies. I mean, both of these things can work, I'm not saying that kids with nannies are better off, at all. But not getting one isn't really going to work for me."

He looked at her sad eyes and nodded his head. "You're right. And I believe you. I don't think you were trying to plan things without me. But, now that its on the table… I… What can you tell me that might help me feel more comfortable about Cakes being with some stranger?"

"Only that everyone is when they're little. Do you know how many people I trusted in my youth that didn't mean me any good? But, my mom and dad couldn't protect me from everything, all of the time. It's reality, as hard as it is. But, she will not be on a battlefield. She'll be nearby. I will see her. We will be in each other's company, but if Cakes cries while we're recording, I have someone who can step outside with her. If… I break out in a rash, I have somebody to make sure she's not exposed to it. My intention is that the nanny can literally have whatever life she wants, outside of my schedule for her. Within that scheduled time, if I finish Unique's makeup and want to take my daughter out for a sundae, I can. But if Unique has a bruised nose from falling over and I have to spend hours making her look like she'd never seen a bruise a day in her life, I have that opportunity, as well."

"The nanny sounds like she'd be doing my job, while I'm at work…" Sam said.

"But, she won't be. She'll be doing the jobs that we don't have enough bodies to do while we do what we can and have to with the bodies that we have. We're getting her now, so that she can meet the baby on site. So that she can become familiar with the woman who will be telling her how to help out with her child and so that you can size her up, yourself."

"Wait… there's gonna be a nanny before the baby even gets here?" He said, shaking his head.

"Yep. This will be like her pre-field training. Knowing the parents and what they like and need is an important part of being able to know what the child will want and need, while she's in her care. I wish that there was some kind of movie about a good mother who had a nanny. They totally exist and I'm totally going to be one."

"Well, maybe one day, they'll make a movie about you," Sam commented.

"There's not enough film in the world to cover my story… wait… does that mean that you're on board? Even without the presentation of my evidence?" She asked, with a wide grin.

"I trust you, Jones." He gave her a kiss on the lips. "I think you won me over with the I can size her up, myself." He nodded and Jonesy covered her face.

"This poor woman is not going to have a chance…" She mused.

"This is the kind of thing you need to have a damn competition and show for," he muttered, which made her giggle for a moment. Then, she stopped and thought for a moment, then pulled herself up and rushed off, with her cell phone. "Um… Jonesy?"

His arms were folded when Mercedes opened the door for the young lady. "Hi, Mercedes! It's so good to see you again! And this handsome man must be Sam," she said and held a hand out to shake his hand. He accepted it and she introduced herself. "My name is Bree. Thank you for your consideration in this competition." Two more women joined them, within a few moments and the cameraman from Unique's show came in to set up some cameras while they held a group interview.

Jonesy treated it very similar to how they had treated the auditions for the show, welcoming the women, "In this age of reality television, and in my quest to find the best nanny for me, we had this fun idea to make a little web show of the process. As you have all agreed on the application, we now have the cameras rolling. For the moment, our bedroom is off limits, but all of the other rooms have cameras and we'll be reviewing them, as well as watching you ladies during this time. It's only three weeks. I am due in one week, if things go as planned. Two of the weeks will have Babycakes on board, or should. I hope you all make the most of it."

Sam didn't have much to say. He was in complete support of the cameras and the scrutiny, for the purpose of finding someone trustworthy enough to look after their baby in a matter of weeks. Being engaged to an online sensation meant that sometimes, life was looked at very closely, anyway, but looking at other people closely for this was something he could agree to.

Ryvie Jones and Mary Evans were around. Any day now, Jonesy would go into labor. Renee Stobb took charge of things, as best as she could, mostly by going through all of Jonesy's already best laid plans and making her own schedule to reflect that. "Jonesy is ridiculously organized and everything has already been thought out. I feel that I need to be ready to place my life on hold and sync my world with hers if I really want this thing."

She shook her head and laughed, annoyed, "Bree spent the entire afternoon playing games with her little sister."

Bree and Ra were sitting on the floor and Bree told her, "Awww, yours looks better than mine! What's all of that? Right there?" She pointed to the finger painting.

"That's ice cream!" Ra cheered.

"Ice cream? I LOVE ICE CREAM!" Bree cheered. "Hey… I wonder if your mom and sister will let us get some. What do you think?" Ra smiled, excitedly and Bree took her hand. "Come on. This is how you ask, nicely, okay?" She asked Ryvie, "Mrs. Jones, if Maserati and I clean up our mess really good, will it be okay for me to buy us some ice cream?"

Ryvie stared at the girl for a bit, then nodded, "If you two clean up all of your mess, Miss Bree can go get you some ice cream and bring it back here. But, you have to help her out, like a big girl, okay?" Ryvie told her toddler, who rushed to follow the instructions while Bree wondered, "So, what kinda ice cream you want me to bring you?"

Bree smiled and told the camera, "I want to be the nanny. I love the ladies. I love their web shows. I loved the Diva Experience. Jonesy's makeup art. Unique's drag. I love all of this stuff. But, I also love hanging out with kids. This job, if I can get it will be someone that I admire in an industry that I adore paying me to do a thing that I love." She traced a circle with her finger, "Full circle win, if I can somehow get this."

The other woman, Mack, was Unique's former personal assistant. She said, "My job became less necessary after Miss Jones came into Unique's life. I still ran some errands and kept up with the studio maintenance - being sure that things were organized and clean and accepting deliveries and keeping up with inventory. But, I lost my job when we lost the studio, so this is going to be very helpful to me. I already have an established ongoing rapport with Miss Jones and I have experience being that extra pair of hands that they speak of…" She frowned, "I don't have much luck with babies, but that's what this training is for, right?"

Sam said, "It's… not training. This is your interview."

"Well, I mean, I can DO babies. I just haven't assisted in the helping with babies department yet. I'm a renaissance woman. I can multitask and I'm a quick learner…" She bit her lip. Sam already looked unimpressed.

He frowned at the camera while Mercedes simply laughed, "She is getting a kick out of this. Not one of these women are right for the job."

"They ALL have their skills," she said. "He's being unfair."

"Babycakes, when you watch this, know that it was your mama's doin,' that you ended up with whatever nanny you'll get stuck with." She laughed even harder, now.

Renee was reading up on doula training made easy while Mack was memorizing the game plan for when Jonesy went into labor. Sam looked at Bree, on her phone and asked, "What are you working on?"

She furrowed her eyebrows and answered, "I'm not working on anything. I'm playing Candy Crush."

"You're... Do you realize that you're in a process to try to get a job?" He asked.

"Of course," she said, stopping her game, "What would you like me to work on Mr. Evans?" She smiled brightly, awaiting instructions.

"I didn't have like anything in mind, particularly. But, the other two ladies are doing their thing," he informed her.

She glanced at them and nodded as she whispered, "They're a little behind. Unique announced that Jonesy would be looking for a nanny months ago! Renee was not familiar with Jonesy, at the time and Mack was familiar, but did not qualify for the job, therefore didn't make any attempts to learn any information. You know why I'm here, Mr. Evans? I am here, because the moment that announcement was made, I contacted the studio with my credentials as a long term neighborhood babysitter, my qualifications as a doula, my work experience in three births, to date and a few years of daycare services, from my own home... complete with references. Neither of these ladies want this job more than me and neither of them are more qualified. I will do whatever you ask me to, but in the meantime, if you've got nothing, I'm really obsessed with Candy Crush."

He folded his arms, "All of that was in your file?"

"I haven't seen my file, but I sure hope so," she said with a smile.

"You're like... 18..."

"You are so sweet and cute, Mr. Evans!" She said and wrinkled her nose, returning to her game.

He shuffled his way over to Jonesy and she was looking miserable and rubbing her belly. "You okay?"

"I'm crazy. This was a terrible idea. Why did I decide to do this?" She asked.

"You're impulsive," he answered honestly.

"I am so damn mad about that fact. I don't want these people in our house and I'm tired of looking at their faces." She grumbled. "But, I can't pull the plug. That'll make me look bad."

"Look bad? How? You have literally, in the past year been violently assaulted (more than once), going through a pregnancy, started a new job, completed a major project, had your workplace burn down, and had a seizure. That has all literally happened to you within a year's time. How are you going to look bad for finally getting tired?" He asked. She shrugged. People would say things. She already knew they would. "I'll shut it down, if I have to. I will go in there right now and say 'Bree won, everybody go home,' if I gotta." She raised an eyebrow.

"Bree? Hmph." She rolled her eyes.

"She's the most qualified, isn't she? Doula and daycare and all that stuff? I don't know, unless she lied, because I didn't see any of that in her file. I combed through those files."

"Nothing to do with her being young and supple and pretty," she commented.

"And nothing to do with a what? She's alright, I guess. I wasn't paying attention. I had my Daddy Glasses on, trying to find my daughter's nanny. But lemme see," he turned and looked at Bree, sized her up and jokingly blew out a whistle. "You're right, Jones. She's got the goods, huh?" The face that she gave him was enough to slay him, but for some reason was met only with his chuckling. "Oh, so you wanted to try to prod me, but you didn't want to hear that. What did you want to hear, Babe? She's invisible outside of the paperwork that claims that she can do the job. I had my money on Stobb, but she doesn't have credentials."

"She's got credentials," Jonesy said. "They all have credentials."

"I mean to take care of a baby and slash or child. Keep up, Jones. This is serious business we are dealing with, here." He threw an arm around her and told her, "I think if you're stressed, we need to pull the plug on this. Its only an online thing and nobody is paying you to do it. You have real shows to consider, coming up sooner than necessary." He gave her a kiss on the side of the head.

"It's only a couple more weeks. Baby will be here in days and I won't even care about the cameras," she said.

"Mmhmm." He intertwined their fingers and kissed the back of her hand.

"But you like Bree, huh?" She repeated.

"I didn't say that. But, I think your mom likes her and your sister likes her. She's good with kids and people. I mean... she plays Candy Crush instead of studies, even though she knows she's being recorded. That's either sheer idiocy or she's confident in the skills."

"And she's pretty," Jonesy said. "I'm not gonna get mad if you admit that the woman is damn pretty, Sam."

"That has nothing to do with the job, though. I thought you would like her for it," he said.

"I do. I'm glad that you chose somebody. That's gonna make all this much easier," she admitted.

"But, it would have been easy if you gave me three resumes with the stuff on them and no photos!" He fussed.

"But, then you would have insisted that you had to see them in action… You're a stubborn man, Sam Evans. You don't make things easy for me."

"I try!" He snuggled against her. "I want to make things better for both of you."

"You'll be perfect. I already know it… I want a foot rub," she said and poked her bottom lip out.

"Stubborn Sam is on it!"

[pirateninja1854]

Razzleberry Pop

“Are you calling me selfish? After everything I’ve done for you?”

I winced at the ice in her tone. Normally at 6:34, we’d be chatting idly on the phone. I would listen to Maya as she ranted about customers she’d had that day, told me what a tiring job it was, and made small chat. The days were hardly ever normal now, I had to keep reminding myself. Her dubious, snarling face when I’d confessed it this morning still hung in my vision.

“N-no, I didn’t say that! I really am- w-well, I feel like a- I just d-don’t think this is the best way to handle-”

“Excuse me?” My girlfriend whispered, forcing me to lean closer to my phone to hear her. “You’re critiquing how I handle this. Seriously? I’m not the one being irrational, Emmet! Jumping to conclusions like this- Like thinking you’re a woman, for God’s sake- That’s not the best way to handle it. I swear, boy, anybody else might’ve just thrown you right out, crazy things like that. Lucky you have me, sugar. What are you to the people at work?”

“I… a… A boy,” I whispered hoarsely. The words felt terrible, betraying, if only to myself. “I’m a boy to them.”

“So then, what are you?!”

I winced and leaned away from the speaker. “I’m a b-boy.” My voice snapped in two midway through the sentence, and I choked down a sob.

“It’s okay, hun, you know it’s just one of those phases. Lucky for you, I’ll be home in an hour. We can throw all of that pink shit in the trash, alright? Love you.”

My mouth remained glued shut. I worried the ring that sat on my index, staring at the cool lavender stone set inside, as deep and faceted as the waves of a rolling ocean. Cobalt veins twisted inside of it. The swirl of colors reminded me of my favorite ice cream flavor, Razzleberry Pop, which was kept on the menu solely because I always ordered it. Only one parlor sold it in the entire city, and I’d always wanted to share it with someone close to me. I’d taken Maya there and gotten us both Razzleberry Pop with chocolate shavings sprinkled throughout, which cost almost a day’s salary, though I’d thought the memories would outweigh the expense. She’d stood up and left after a few minutes. Later, she claimed she didn’t like the flavor, though maybe it was also the way they carbonated it to fizzle and melt in your mouth. Maya didn't like surprises.

“Ah, hun? I said, ‘Love you’,” She repeated, venom spilling into her voice.

I bit my lip and said nothing. A lump grew in my throat. I opened my mouth, snapped it shut, and hurled my phone across the room. It smacked the wall and dropped to the bed across from me with a soft thud.

In between ragged breaths, I heard her shouting through the thick quilt. Wincing, I didn’t pick it up. My only thoughts ran to what I’d done, how mad she would be, and how I could do something like this. I knew that, in exactly an hour, I’d hear the same words from her. I’d messed everything up. If only I’d never brought my gender up, if only, if only.

Twisting the ring, as my habit had become ever since I’d found it, I scanned the room. A plethora of personal items caught my gaze, ones Maya would call too ‘girly’, as they were almost indistinguishable from her own. These were the things she would throw away, all with special places in my heart, and all pieces of me.

My gaze hardened.

With a deep breath, I set out to do the inevitable.

The suitcase I’d chosen read ‘Party Girl’ across the side in neon stitching. The name tag read as my real name, the same one I’d found on my ring. Everything went into it, save for a few choice items I’d changed into, the ones I’d always wanted to wear in public but never had the courage to. I even brought out my makeup, something I’d never normally dream of doing, even alone. Now, I would. This time, I told myself, I wouldn’t be backing down, and I’d never do so again.

That’s what I was thinking, anyway, until a knock at the door shattered my fragile train of thought. A vivid, spritely voice came through.

“Hello? I’m sorry to-” “Go away, Maya!” I shouted. “I meant w-what I said, and you can’t throw me out! The only person who belongs i-in the trash is you!” The moment of power and anger quickly fled. Had I done it again? What if this was the wrong thing to do? She wasn’t saying anything, so it must have worked, right? Had I even wanted it to work in the first place?

“Um, I might have the wrong address, sir/Ma’am!” The voice calls, though there’s a bit of unease in it now. “I’m looking for an Emily, see, because something of mine is hers now. Not that I am looking for it back.”

“You’re l-looking in the wrong-...” My voice faltered as my mind ran through the sentence again. Like flecks of gold protruding from a murky sifting dish, pieces of the sentence slowly became clear to me. “Wait, you don’t want it back from… ah...”

“Emily,” They repeated. “Do you know her? I think that she might need some help, of some kind.”

How did they know that name?

“Why don’t you come in?” I said slowly. “I may know where to look.” I dropped my suitcase and went for the door, but stopped. The ring that sat on my finger still had its vague, violet sheen, and it shimmered like a pool of oil. When Maya had begun to deposit my checks in her account for safe-keeping, I’d lost most of my ability to spend money on myself. Finding a treasure like this, especially in an ice cream parlor, out of Maya’s sight, had felt almost magical. I was ever amused by its wonderful glow, and wore it almost constantly.

Except around her.

I twisted the ring off of my finger and tucked it snugly in the front pocket of my suitcase.

As the door swung open, it revealed a pale face framed by a short, auburn bob of hair. Their jade eyes crinkled at me with amusement. “Oh, it’s nice to meet you! I haven’t introduced myself, even, haha. My name is Alex.” They stuck out their hand and gave me a small, cheeky grin that showed off their dimples.

I glanced at their hand, their expectant face, and back again. This felt too much like fake kindness, like when Maya would come home beaming, only to quietly berate my actions. I had yelled at them, hadn’t I?

Their grin faltered slightly, their arm lowering. They opened their mouth to say something.  

Abruptly, I shot mine out. “I-It’s, ah, it’s good to meet you too.” I made a small attempt at imitating their cheery expression as they took my hand. Wider still, their smile quirked to the left side of their face like an off-centered Mona Lisa. They followed after me and stepped inside.

“S-sorry for yelling at you,” I mumbled, fumbling for the light switch. “I thought you w-were somebody else.”

“It’s alright. You’re one of the only people in the complex who actually answered, so no great shakes! Are you expecting- well, that person, anytime soon?” I couldn’t see them in the dark, but the idea seemed to set them on edge.

“Not r-really. It’s kinda early for her t-to show up, but- Ah, there we are!” My fingers flicked the mechanism and I blinked in the sudden brightness. Realizing the mess I’d left while packing, I felt my face heat up.

“Are you a fan of the Colts?” They asked, sidestepping my suitcase to sit on my desk chair. They pointed to a poster that Maya had stapled over my side of the bed in September, saying that all the other girl’s boyfriends were into sports.

I shrugged and shook my head. “I’m actually not too into… hockey?”

“Football.”

“Right, Base-Foot-Basket-Sport.” I giggled when they gave a small snort, covering their mouth.

“Pfft, yeah. Not to be too on topic here, but does Emily live anywhere in this complex? I didn’t see her name on the directory, but this is the only place left to look.”

I bit my lip. “Everyone I know is in the directory, but… we have a lost and found. What is it? Maybe what you’re trying to find is there.”

“No, that’s not why I’m looking for it, because I’m trying to find the person it found. This is kind of crazy, but it just… attracts people in need. And I can’t help but get the feeling that this time, she needs more than it can help her with.” They look up at me, eyes solemn, almost sadder, than before. “It was mine once, and it helped me figure out a lot about myself, and other people. My apartment was meant for two people, anyways, so it’d actually be nice to have somebody else. That is, it’s there if they need it. This person is stuck in a tricky place, and I’ll be damned if I don’t pay it forward, since I’m sure I can hardly even begin to do so.” Their gushing waterfall of conversation cuts off as abruptly as it began. “Does... that make sense?”

I found myself nodding vigorously. “Yeah, of course! I only wish I could help you more with that.” Silence consumed the both of us, each for different reasons, and I felt my gaze drawn to Alex. I watched their bare foot as it traced the woven seams of the carpet. Following it back up to their face, I witnessed as their forehead creased in deep thought, their eyes as they danced and flickered. Freckles splattered their nose. Messy and feathered, their hair was just like the fire whose color it took on. After a long while, they sighed and stood, startling me out of my trance.

“Thank you anyway. Really, it was wonderful to talk to you.” They looked away. “About Emily.” They headed for the door, and I followed behind them.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be more helpful,” I murmured.

“You know…” They paused in the hallway. “I never did catch your name.”

“My… oh.”

I’d never used my name, the one I discovered for myself so long ago, when I met someone. Truthfully, I hadn’t thought of it or dared to say it aloud in so long that I’d almost forgotten. Maya had called it fake, but Alex wouldn’t have said that, would they? Regardless, I would’ve never seen them again, as much as I enjoyed their company. This may have been my only shot.

“Emmet!”

Alex and I jerked our heads towards the shout in unison. I shrank out of the hallway at the mention of my dead name, leaving only my head exposed, because I knew that voice all too well.

“Who’s this?” Maya ambled towards the two of us, her casual nature betraying how serious she had become. “Is she a friend? Funny, I don't think he introduced us.”

The two of us winced, I at “he”, and Alex at “she”. They shot me a pleading look, laced with confusion.

“Th-this… M-my…” I faltered. Maya’s gaze shot daggers, first at Alex, then to me. I swallowed a lump in my throat, if not for myself, then for them. “Their name is Alex.” I matched her gaze with newfound anger, surprising everyone including myself. “They’re m-my friend, Maya; A girl is b-bound to have them once in awhile, if you let her be herself.” I marched into the room that only belonged to her and snagged my suitcase. I turned back to her and lifted my baggage up for her to see.

“All of this is what you wanted t-to throw away. All of m-my CDs, my ‘girly’ clothes, and-”

Before I got another word in, Maya wrenched the handle from my grip. Loose items in the pockets cascaded out. She shook it and cocked her head as the remaining contents rattled inside. “Baby, all you have in here is a bunch of lies.” She sighed. “I wanted this to be over as much as you did. I can’t believe you cheated on me with somebody who can’t even get that they are what’s in their pants, but you and her both have that in common.”

She took another step closer to me, her breath sickly-sweet as her voice. “Why don’t you get it, hun? You were so great before all this, so you know what you gotta do. All it is is a sickness, except no doctor can cure that.” She gestured to my clothes.

For a moment, I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but I then snapped it shut. I turned my head desperately to Alex, who’d been silent this whole time, and saw they were staring at something that had fallen out of the suitcase. Maya followed my gaze, and in turn, theirs.

“Some tacky jewelry?” She laughed. “Boy, who do you think you-” “This is not your decision,” Alex whispered vehemently. “And it never was.

“I came here to help a stranger I knew to be in need, and I found someone who was even more than that. A girl who knew who she was, who was kind, courteous, and didn’t deserve the hell the world gave her. Somebody who just needed some kind words, encouragement, and a lover who didn’t treat them like trash. Let me tell you something- She is out of your league, on a journey that is hers and hers alone, to share with people who she loves. And you were lucky that she ever stopped by for you at all.” Alex plucked the ring from the ground and held it out to me.

My fingers trembled as I slipped it on, that magical, shimmery Lavender that read:

Emily

One hand clamped down on the bag with all the pieces of me inside, and the other on the person who gave me the bravery to take them.

“Nobody belongs in the trash, Maya,” I whispered sadly. “Not even girls like you.” Hand in hand with Alex, we marched out of the building to begin a journey of our own.

Their favorite flavor became Razzleberry Pop, with chocolate shavings speckled throughout.

[pcostales-blog]

I should be doing work but I wrote a love letter instead

Something I wrote a while ago :)

I should be doing work. But there’s always work. I want to put down in writing how I feel right now, because I’m not sure I’ve ever felt this way before. Hmm. You know how you say that every little thing Rayyan does makes you understand what love is, every little thing he does is so beautiful? When you sent me that video of him eating random bakery items? That is how I feel about you. I think I’ve felt that way for a really long time now that I think about it. I could just watch you and feel amazed, overwhelmed, filled up. It is probably why I keep capturing your various expressions and showing them to you. Every little thing you do I just want to keep looking at. It’s really no wonder that I know your every expression by heart, and that I can predict everything you do. If anybody put in this much time, effort and passion into anything, they can master it! Wow man, mini ‘discovery’ here. It makes sense to me now, how I know what you’re thinking and what you’re about to say half the time. Hmm.

The tragedy of it all, the biggest tragedy which makes me feel so bad about this whole thing, is that it looks like I’ll lose an amazing friendship because of this. What am I going to do without all the positivity you bring into my life? I’m jealous. Of Rahul, of Bhavna, of every random person who gets to keep you in their life but I don’t get to even though I want to, so badly. Don’t freak out but I’m crying right now hahaha. I don’t even know yet if I’m going to have the guts to do this, to cut you out for as long as it takes… I hope I do it. For my sake (and yours)

Recently, I know I’ve kinda been draining you cuz of this shit too. Like I know you felt all helpless in Mumbai when I was playing my love playlist :D and I promise you it’s going to get worse. The pain and sadness. And it’ll drain you. So I dunno, long run, this is the best thing to do for you also. Do you really want a friend in your life who won’t be happy for you when you get married? I want to get to that stage but it’ll take me time. I’ve been in denial for so long about my feelings for you, I’ve been denying they are real, that they come and go… but it’s high time I acknowledge that the feelings are real I can’t take it anymore. There is a part of me that is just so happily in love but there is also this constant part of me that feels only one emotion, strong and clear- rejection. WHY doesn’t he like me the way I like him, want me the way I want him, see me the way I see him. I look in the mirror and I look at my head and I hate it. I think, would he be attracted to me if I had long beautiful hair like he said that Samreen crush of his had? Am I not feminine enough for him? Should I wear black so that he compliments me? Should I wear something classy but completely covered up so that he looks at me, for a moment, like I’m a Muslim?

I also know this WHY question is not a fair question to ask you, it isn’t a fair question to ask anybody- I can’t question the mechanics of getting attracted to someone- when you’re not attracted you’re just not. Friendzone is friendzone. It is just frustrating and confusing for me- I accept you wholly and I need you to accept me that same way- which isn’t possible.

(I do remember your Shakira is so sexy but I still don’t wanna marry her explanation- but these thoughts come into my head anyway.)

I also know I am not being practical with all this. I know that the actual event of getting to marry you comes with several things that I’d say are deal-breakers for me…you know what I am talking about…but I can’t bring my brain/heart to care about those things now. All I see right now is you through my coloured feelings-lenses. Your slight hunch. Your soft hair. Your laugh. Sighhh your laugh. I yearn for you to be mine, for it all to be mine, even though it isn’t practical and it doesn’t make sense. I want to tuck you into bed. I want to kiss you on your cheek. I want to play with your hair. I want you to let me take care of you. I want to take care of you. And um I want my kids to have you as their father. That escalated quickly :P

I spoke to my friends about it all- and well, Divya said, that I should cut you off when I still have some semblance of control over this situation. Because my initial idea was to just wait for an explosion- a huge amount of crying or something, some sort of a breaking point where I would have no choice but to end this. But if it gets to that stage, who will take care of me now? This isn’t college, I don’t have friends around and I have to work.

Of course, I, selfishly, plan to meet you and make some more amazing memories with you these coming 2 weeks in Chennai…and then maybe that’ll be the last we see each other for a while. At least till this stuff completely leaves my system. No idea how long that’s going to take. Fuck, it pains me every time I think that I’ve to let go of this friendship as well. And so do you. I’m so sorry.

You know I still don’t know if I’m just going to wake up in a couple of days, ignore that I ever wrote this letter, trivialize everything I’m feeling, make it seem small, and start talking to you as usual…till this damn cycle repeats over and over.

I have loved feeling this way. To be honest, it’s only been a week since I acknowledged to myself that this is real and that this is more than just a crush. And that acknowledgement has made me feel some amazing things. I’ve never felt this way before. It’s beautiful and you know what, I think the pain and bittersweetness of not having my feelings returned, somehow makes it that much more intense and beautiful.

I’m feeling all the clichés man. I sometimes see you when you're not there. As in often I mistake somebody for you and do a double take. I know your face by heart. Your every expression. When you're trying to explain something you consider ridiculously simple. You have an expression for that, did you know that? Your need to give a clear conclusion/takeaway for EVERYthing. Your need to follow up even after a phone conversation and say that was a good conversation. All the little things about you that are so uniquely you, I just watch and enjoy and love. And someday you're going to look at someone like this, you're going to know every inch of somebody's face by heart, you're going to look at somebody and just love them for no reason, you're going to look at somebody and it's going to cause intense and beautiful feelings in you that you're just going to sit back and enjoy, and sometimes it pains me that that person can't be me. You know what, you’ve made a little writer out of me! :P The only times I’ve written over this past year have been about you! You give me things to write about! Wow! Isn’t there some quote that goes like love makes poets of us all? Hmm. Anyway, now I can’t imagine how pained and messed up actual writers and artists must be and NO YOU ARE NOT AN ARTIST.

Now, this letter makes the T & A saga sound like it was mostly a negative event for me. Which it really isn’t. My so-called pain is negligible compared to all the positivity you’ve brought in. I take anything you say very very seriously. I internalize whatever you say that makes sense to me. Even though I’ll make fun of you for being preachy or something. Some amazing things you’ve taught me that I strongly strongly believe in now-

1.       To lean on my friends. To just seek help when I need it. I’ve been doing this and it’s been amazing. Thank you so much.

2.       That anything can be achieved through grit and will power and effort. You’ve kinda made me much more solution-oriented you know, and you’ve made me firmly believe there are solutions to everything.

3.       Writing down things helps internalize them, helps get them out of your system, etc. Gratitude writing and many of these little life hacks that articles recommend, I used to dismiss but now I’ve understood that there’s really something to them.

4.       This list is annoying, the rest of this letter I wrote so spontaneously but this list is annoying so I’m putting a brake on this

As I write this, I’m realizing something- I idolize everything you say. I mean, I’m like a baby who looks up to you as friend, parent, navigator through this murky world. Any thing you say is the ONLY thing in the world for me. You get it? This is probably why I hate the fact that you don’t approve of drinking, skimpy clothes etc. I mean with a friend, it is very easy to sort of live and let live but here, I try to live my whole life in a manner that I think you’d approve of. I look at my life through your eyes. I don’t know how to explain it. But that makes things you disapprove of a constant fight for me. I keep bringing it up, the skimpy clothes or alcohol etc and fighting about it. This is the reason I do that. Everything you say is constantly on the surface of my mind. What would Thanish do is the most natural response in my head to lotsa situations now. It’s ridiculous how much control you unwittingly have over me. I was talking to a friend today and he made me feel that late marriage is absolutely okay. But in my Thanish world there is only one reality, get married ASAP because family is everything. I’m easily influenced in general, and I’m EXTREMELY easily influenced by you. I don’t really know what I want so most of the time I mirror the desires and dreams of those closest to me, I think. So many perceptions I’ve built that I’m sure will go away if we stop talking for a while. Pretty sure the positive changes will go away too. Hope not.

 Anyway, I don’t know, maybe I’ll snap out of it. Or maybe I just need to go flirt with some boys. Or maybe this is real and it’ll take me months to recover. Not talking to you is going to be hard as fuck and you are going to help me with that, as always. Sigh. I’m so fucking sorry for pulling you through all of this.

I’m so happy to have fallen for someone that I’ve a solid friendship with- it’s the dream! Just a liiiittle unfortunate that you don’t feel the same way :P But practically, I’m 100% sure this won’t be a good match and all that. But well. Fuck my heart. What to do.