#anyway. passing out now I’ll rb all my likes tomorrow zBdmssn

[enderspawn]

hhnngngn this might be rambley bc im still trying to organize my thoughts n stop them from just rattling around in my head but. god chip is just. defined by his guilt.

from the moment the black rose went down, from when he saw arlin get swallowed up in that ocean to save him, from the moment he became haunted-- its just been guilt. the base of all of this is built on the back of that initial survivors guilt and has been compounded by every event hes gone through since.

gillion vanishing like that just brought everything back, bc its the same thing again-- he loved someone and they got hurt and vanished and its because of him. whether its because he offered them a card (he didn't, the other two even said he didnt, but he did in his own eyes) or because he got the cards in the first place or even because he pulled gillion onto that fucking boat.

theres some part of him that feels like all of the tragedies in his life are connected via the one thing they have in common: him. he is the issue.

and normally its enough for him to hide that away behind a cocky ego and self aggrandizement and caring only abt himself and later his few loved ones (because by god all he wants is to be loved) it doesnt get rid of the problem. it only invites more people in to eventually get hurt. arlin, the black rose, price, ollie, gillion-- fuck, even things like putting roofus and amber in danger just by being around them.

that's why seeing the crew was the final straw for him, the thing that broke him. because the moment he fucking left their lives, they thrived. all without him. surely they, and everyone else, would be better off without him around to fuck things up.

bc thats what he is, isnt he?

a fuck up. a mistake.

a bastard.

the core of the issue really is just. his own self-loathing. its fueled by his guilt and then the guilt is made worse by the self loathing in a fucked up ouroboros.

i think chip is also a lot more introspective than people give him credit for. i think its bc of his dont-care brash kinda persona, but he's really cognizant of his own thoughts. its just… that entire thing is also tainted by his own poor self image.

he can recognize that his desire to make his own crew with jay and gillion and keeping ollie around is all just him trying to recapture the black rose. that's not… something EASY to recognize, that your own actions are fueled by this self-internalized desire. but because of his loathing, he views it as selfish. that he doesnt actually care for these people (he does so much it hurts), only what they can give him and how they compare to his past he can't escape.

thats what fucking haunts him, it's his own past. its the fragile reflection of this bygone age he can never return to because he can never be that little boy again.

chip has spent over half his fucking life just trying to reclaim that past-- to find arlin and drey and finn and to have his own crew to be the loving family he's cursed to never have. he wants something he can be proud of, something arlin would be proud of so that he never has to face the idea that arlin won't like who hes become, because that's the only thing that has kept him afloat.

and god fuck. thinking over it now, he knows arlin is out there now. he knows that, and he knows his best chance would be with the riptide crew-- with drey and his friends. he knows arlin is suffering. but. he still wants to leave.

and he thinks himself so selfish for it but hes selfless, he's giving up everything hes known and had because he thinks, hopes, prays, that it will spare the people he loves. "if you love them let them go" kind of thing. he wont be with them but they'll be better off without him and all he rlly wants is for them to be okay.

and god i. i touched on him seeing his own introspection through the lens of selfishness. and in a way, chip is an inherently selfish character. or at least a self-centered one. he cares most about him and his loved ones, he often acts without considering how it will impact others and only based on his own desires, and he presents with an ego the size of mars.

but fuck he is so selfless-- even more so now that he's been with the riptide pirates, especially gillion and his ideals of being a "hero". but even his own low self-worth contributes to his selflessness.

on joaldo island, when the three of them and la alma were locked in with the baron, he signed to be the paramount champion. they didn't know if the contract was magically binding, if he would be stuck, but he signed it anyway because it was the only way to protect everyone else from doing it-- even la alma, who he barely knows! but he cares for him and that means he's willing to do what it takes regardless (its the right thing to do, chip wants to do right he wants to be good but its been trained out of him by the need to survive first and foremost-- focus on yourself bc thats all you have)

we even saw it this episode with the compass. he knows its evil, he knows it can do horrible things to you-- he doesn't care. jay is looking for niklaus, which can't be good, and he has low-enough self preservation to use it anyway because if it works it means they have a way-- they can find gillion, jay doesn't have to make a deal, it will be alright. no matter the cost to chip.

when jay tries to stop him from signing that contract on joaldo, chip just says that he'll figure a way out. that he always does. and that fucking line makes me ache because its true.

chip is like a cockroach. no matter what shit life throws at him, no matter how many tragedies he has to face, he keeps on going. even when it seems aimless, or that it would be pointless (like a 10 year search for a man sunken to the bottom of the ocean)

the sad part is, despite his plans to leave the riptide pirates behind, even if he went through with it.... i think he'd keep on going. it would be just another weight on his shoulders to carry and he'd go on. keeping to himself, isolated and hurting and so very alone, but at least he isnt hurting anyone. maybe he'd return to the solo-sailing lifestyle, returning to his pointless search because he doesnt know what else he can do.

but that would like… i think kind of be it for him in a way. he's alive, but he stops trying to reach out. hes alive, but life has beaten the endurance out of him to keep trying for anything better.

idk this whole post reads as really melodramatic n angsty n shit but listen im in my feelings. let me live, MOM.