#anyway. i feel like if u feel like u cant leave the house without makeup... it isn’t helping u? not the way ur using it anyway

[treesbian]

screaming sobbing and throwing up at the fact i probably shouldn't wear a black lip do a job interview

[taegis-gf]

Forbidden - Part 3

Dealer!yoongi x Reader

Warnings ➜ smut, oral (f receiving), non-protected sex, some light choking, some angst and a little fluffy, yoongi got beat up a little :(

Summary ➜ You never meant to lock eyes with the beautiful stranger at Namjoon’s house party, you also didn’t mean to completely fall for him, knowing exactly how dangerous it was.

Word Count ➜ 6.5K

NB: if drug-taking in fics isn’t for you/or makes you uncomfortable, also reader is literally getting with a drug dealer, so if any of this isn't for you  - please don’t read!

Notes ➜ hey. guys hehe i hope u enjoy this im in a little bit of a rut with it as i dont even really know where im taking it yet, thank u for being patient with me and lmk what u think ! also sorry for any spelling errors!!

PART1 | PART2 | PART3

The next few days passed without you hearing a word from Yoongi. You had refrained from texting him, always being too stubborn for your own good, plus he definitely didn’t deserve a text from you, However, from the way he had been ghosting you, you had assumed he probably didn’t even care or notice that you were mad at him.

You had gotten past the sad stage of it all and had now reached anger, what had you been thinking jumping into bed with someone you barely knew? 

It hadn’t felt like that at the time though, you had thought you and Yoongi had a connection.

Why did it feel so right when he was with you, why did you two click so well?

And why the hell couldn’t you stop thinking about him?

He was making your life hard, consuming every thought, you had barely got your essay submitted in time and when you did you were pretty sure it didn’t even make any sense, just a spew of words on a document that you wanted out of your sight so you go back to wallowing in self-pity about some boy.

You admittedly had not left your dorm since Jungkook had spoken to you, that was 2 days ago and you really needed to get Yoongi out of your mind instead of lying in your bed and just thinking. 

You were driving yourself crazy admittedly, and you knew you were being dramatic, it wasn’t like Yoongi even owed you anything, the two of you were only at the beginning of something that didn’t even have a label yet. 

However, you just wanted something even if it was a ‘I never wanna see you again’, at least it would be some sort of closure.

The sound of your phone ringing instantly made you jump, the silence being so harshly interrupted it scared you half to death.

You closed your eyes for a moment before flipping your phone over only to feel major disappointment when you saw it wasn’t Yoongi’s name on your screen.

You answered anyway with a heavy heart.

“Hey Tae, what’s up?” You asked.

“What’s up?! You haven’t responded to me in 3 days, what’s up with you?” He asked, his tone sounded concerned and you could only smile sadly at the compassion your friend seemed to have for you.

“Nothing Tae I’ve just been distracted with work you know?”

You could hear him sighing softly before he spoke again.

“I’m calling to let you know we’re all going over to Joon’s, if you would read the damn groupchat I wouldn’t be calling you.”

You scoffed at the curt tone he used with you but you knew he didn’t mean it in a bad way.

“Joon’s? I’m not really in the mood for a party Tae-“

“It’s not a party,” Taehyung said, cutting you off. “It’ll just be the 7 of us babe. Please come, I miss you.”

“How many time have I told you to stop calling me that?” You asked rolling your eyes at the wall.

“Just say you’ll come? I can even come get you.” Taehyung offered.

You supposed it was better than wallowing in your bed another day.

“Yeah fine okay, I’ll come.” You said.

“Good I’m glad, I’ll come get you in about an hour, get dressed I’ll ring you when I’m outside.”

With a quick 'goodbye' Taehyung hung up and you decided to get up and make yourself look human.

You opted for no makeup and just some simple sweats, you knew you and the guys would probably just be watching a movie so you didn’t see the point in dressing up any more than that, although you couldn’t count how many times a simple hangout had been a ruse to get you to a party.

Taehyung called you again to inform you he was waiting outside, so you quickly grabbed your phone and coat and left your dorm as quick as you could.

When you finally reached outside you saw Taehyung’s car and made a beeline, opening the door and jumping in you plastered a smile on your face hoping it would take away from the prying questions you assumed Taehyung had lined up.

“Hey Tae, thanks for coming to get me, a cab to Joon’s is so fucking expensive and I know I’m super out of the way, so I appreciate it.”

Taehyung scoffed. “Please, you know I would come to get you even if you were 500 miles out of the way, what are friends for?” He stated as he started up the engine.

The drive was silent for the most part, you were surprised as you had expected Taehyung to go into full-blown interrogation mode on why you’d been ignoring everyone, but he didn’t, maybe he was waiting on you coming to him, if that was the case he’d be waiting a long ass time.

As he pulled up and you both went inside your heart warmed at the sight of your friends all talking and laughing with each other, you hadn’t seen them like this in a while and it almost made you tear up.

“Hey guys.” You said as you kicked off your shoes and took a spot on the sofa in between Jungkook and Taehyung as he had decided to follow you and sit wherever you were going.

“Hey Y/N, we all thought you were dead.” Hoseok said as stuffed a handful of chips into his mouth.

Everyone else murmured in agreement with a few sly comments about ignored messages and calls.

You closed your eyes and decided the best thing to do was to state you’d had a lot of work to catch up on and that becoming a recluse was the only way you would get it all finished.

You didn’t miss the way Jungkook side-eyed you but simply chose to not look his way for the sake of saving yourself the judgemental looks about your obvious lying to your best friends.

“Come onnnnnnn. Will someone put on a good horror movie already, and Joon please throw me a beer.” Taehyung called.

Everyone got settled as a movie was picked and the lights were switched off.

That was when your phone decided to vibrate in your pocket.

You slipped it halfway out just trying to glance at the notification and your heart jumped when you saw the name on the screen.

Notification: Yoongi: iMessage(s) 1

You muttered some excuse about needing to pee, and jumped off the sofa to run upstairs, needing to compose yourself before you unlocked your phone.

8:37PM

Yoongi: hey i cant even begin to explain how sorry I am…i understand 100% if you don’t want to speak to me again

You watched as you saw the typing dots disappear and reappear as you stared at your phone. Then another message came through.

Yoongi: i really wanted to call you but i was afraid you’d be too mad and wouldn’t pick up so please if theres even a chance you’ll speak to me again - call me. If u don’t i undertsand and i wont bother you anymore.. i feel so stupid Y/N you don’t deserve this

Your heart was beating at about a million miles per hour as you reread his messages over and over. You had absolutely no idea how to approach this.

You decided now was not the best time to call him, you were just going to have to wait it out and call him when you got back to your dorm.

You decided you’d leave him on read for now, he’d left you waiting for nearly 3 days, he could wait 3 hours for your reply.

As you walked back into the room with your friends you sat beside Taehyung and he let you cuddle up next to him, he began gently playing with your hair as you tried your best to lie down, Jungkook patted his lap as an indication you could spread your legs out and rest them on his own and you smiled as he put an arm over them.

You felt incredibly loved by your friends in that moment, tears threatening to spill as the simple comforts they were providing so naturally to you, meant so much in that moment.

You felt a little guilty at your unwillingness to tell them how upset you were, you trusted them with so much and they trusted you just as equally. But things were confusing for you at the moment and you wouldn’t even know where to start.

You looked up to see Jungkook looking at you with concern, he obviously knew a lot more than the rest of them but he didn’t know just how much Yoongi was affecting you at that particular moment.

You smiled reassuringly at him and he gave your thigh a small squeeze before you both turned back to the movie.

You hadn’t realised just how tired you were until Taehyung was gently shaking you awake, alerting you that the movie was over and even though no one was leaving or anything he offered to bring you home.

You shook your head at his offer telling him you would just get a taxi home and that he should stay and enjoy the rest of the night, he had smiled at you softly asking about 5 times if you were sure and you had laughed excusing yourself to the bathroom before he could argue with you anymore.

You found yourself in the same position, just leaning against the door staring at the messages Yoongi had sent a few hours ago, you felt groggy from the sleep and in your haze you decided that calling him and getting this over with would be the best thing to do, you weren’t thinking clearly, but then again, you never were when it came to him.

As you listened to the ringing tone you began to feel your anxiety building, you weren’t even sure what you were going to say to him or even sure how you felt towards him, yeah sure you were upset but did you even have any right to be mad at him? 

It wasn’t like Yoongi was your boyfriend or anything, he didn’t owe you anything.

He picked up on the third ring an anxious and quick “Hello?” sounded from his end, like he was afraid he was going to miss the call.

“Hey…” You said, unsure of where to go with it.

“Jesus Y/N I am sorry, you must think I’m such an asshole. I wa-”

“Do you like me Yoongi?” You cut him off.

“Wh-what?” Yoongi asked, he sounded unsure, like he was afraid he would say the wrong thing.

“Do you like me?” You asked again, slower.

“Yes of course Y/N, I like you a lot.”

“Okay, do you see me as someone you can just fuck and I’ll come running when you call? Because believe me Yoongi you really are talking to the wrong girl if that’s what you think this is.”

You weren’t sure where your bold attitude was coming from, you suppose you’d been holding in a lot of feelings the past few days regarding the situation, but for some reason, it was coming out as anger and with a hint of sass.

“Jesus – no, no Y/N that is so not what I’m thinking this is, you know that right? Fuck I didn’t mean to leave it so long to talk to you, but there was an emergency and I had to leave town to do something and I only got back tonight and I’m sorry, please know I'm sorry.” You could hear the pleading in his voice, the genuine asking for forgiveness. 

Your knees felt weak and you weren’t sure why but all you wanted was to see him, to tell him it was all okay and you forgive him.

But a part of you wanted to stand your ground, you didn’t want to seem like a pushover who was going to roll over because he sounded like he was sorry, this was only a phone call, you couldn’t even look him in the eyes or anything.

“Can you pick me up and we can talk?” You asked, you wanted to see him, ask him what exactly was going on.

“Yes of course, you’re not at your dorm?” He asked the question harmlessly but you felt he was a little nervous.

“No actually I’m with the guys at Namjoon’s house, I can send you the address if you can’t remember..”

“I remember Y/N. I’ll be there in 10 minutes.” 

And with that he hung up, eager to see him - but still feeling cautious - you left the bathroom to tell the guys you were going to wait outside for your taxi.

They all hugged you goodbye and you definitely noticed how Jungkook lingered for that extra few seconds.

He could sense something was wrong with you, but he knew to wait until you came to him with your problems.

As you stood at Namjoon’s garden gate a pair of headlights began approaching slowly and you knew it was him. He stopped outside and you ran to his car door, trying to avoid any of the guys from seeing that it wasn’t just an ordinary taxi you were going home in.

It smelt like a new car inside and you turned to face the driver, he looked over at you with an awkward smile and that’s when you saw the extremely dark black eye that covered his right eye. You covered your hand with your mouth trying not to audibly gasp.

“Yoongi! Oh my god are you okay?” You reached out, wanting to touch his face but realised that wasn’t the best idea before dropping your hand again. 

Your anger at him now replaced with worry, you scanned his face further to see his slightly busted lip as well.

“Y/N, I promise you it’s not as bad as it looks. Can we talk about this when we get to my place?” He asked, placing a hand on your thigh he gave it a reassuring squeeze.

“Your place?” You asked, confused.

“Yeah…only if you want, it’s just that it’s closer to here and I thought you wanted to talk.”

You were nodding, your stomach trying to suppress the nerves that were bubbling up at the idea of going to his place this first time as you also tried to process everything that was already happening.

“Okay, yeah let’s do that.” You said.

Neither of you spoke again the entire ride.

When Yoongi finally pulled up into the carpark of a luxury apartment complex you stared in disbelief. This was where he lived?

He makes a lot of money doing what he does you quickly reminded yourself, suddenly embarrassed at size and quality of your dorm room.

You followed him inside and stopped at the entrance completely in shock at the sheer size and beauty of his apartment. 

You shook yourself, you were here for one thing.

“Take a seat please, Y/N.” He said motioning at the large plush sofa.

You took a seat but watched as Yoongi stood examining you.

“Aren’t you gonna sit?” You asked the atmosphere was tense, awkward, you couldn’t even sense Yoongi’s mood, he was just looking at you, expressionless.

You looked back at him, you were starting to feel frustrated.

“So what? We’re just going to sit here in silence, scratch that, you’ll stand, I’ll sit?” You asked, crossing your arms over your chest.

“I’m sorry,” Yoongi replied.

“What?” You asked, your eyes shooting up to look at him, you knew he had to be in pain with his eye and you felt a twinge of guilt for being annoyed with him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t call or text, I know I left you in your room like that – after we had just…I’m sorry Y/N.” He sighed heavily, finally taking a seat beside you.

“Just tell me what happened, I’m an understanding person Yoongi, but I don’t think I can do this if you’re just going to keep disappearing on me…”

You couldn’t bring yourself to look at him now he was closer, you decided the floor was the best place to look at in that moment.

“It was an emergency…it’s stupid, rivalry is a very real thing in this business. I got into a fight with some guy when I went down there. One of my friends was seriously threatened by some people and we had to go down there and deal with it.” He explained, you didn’t want the specifics really and you were glad he wasn’t giving it to you.

“Yoongi…you’re like - I mean - do you really think you’re the best guy for that sort of thing?” You were half teasing him, but also very worried, this wasn’t something that happened a lot, was it?

Yoongi scoffed out a small laugh.

“I’m not usually the guy that handles situations Y/N, I just had to go down there to talk it out with some people.” 

You shuddered, you hated this, hated that this was his life.

Yoongi gently placed a hand on your thigh and you allowed him to keep it there, finally looking back up at him.

“Jesus Y/N, I’m sorry for leaving you like that, I would never do anything like that to you on purpose…please forgive me?” 

You knew he was sorry, you could feel that he was sorry.

You whispered out a soft ‘I forgive you’. 

You knew it was weak of you but you seemed to be at your weakest when Yoongi was looking at you like you meant the world to him.

Yoongi let out a sigh of relief, a small smile on his face, but he winced in pain as the smile opened up the wound on his lip.

“Let me get you something for that.” You said, standing. 

You could use the distraction more than anything as you asked him where the bathroom was and grabbed a damp cloth and some tissue.

You sat down turning your body to face him you lightly dabbed at the wound and cringed a litte in sympathy when he hissed in pain.

“Hold the tissue to it so it doesn’t bleed again.” you said as you folded it up and handed it to him.

“Do you have any ice? It’ll help your eye..” You asked as you went to get up again.

He simply nodded, and pointed to the freezer, allowing you to worry and take care of him.

You sat back down again with a small makeshift ice pack, and told him to lay down so you could place it over his eye, he protested a little but it didn’t take much to coerce him.

“I’m seriously not even in that bad of shape Y/N, you should see the other guy.” He said, laughing a little but then immediately stopping as the pain in his lip stung.

You rolled your eyes at him, knowing he was joking but it did make your stomach twist with nerves at the same time, what if this had been a lot more serious?

When you didn’t speak he reached over for the remote to turn the T.V on, you supposed he couldn’t handle the tense silence you were giving in return for his bad joke.

As he searched about Netflix he spoke again “I have to say, I do think you’d make a pretty sexy nurse.” He joked again and this time you cracked a smile, unable to stop yourself from scoffing out a laugh.

“Are you seriously flirting with me right now?” You asked, sitting back down on his couch you lifted his legs to allow them to rest on your lap, a simple gesture to show him you didn’t completely hate him.

He laughed a little, a genuine laugh and you found yourself laughing too.

“Put a movie on, keep the ice on your eye and shut up!” You said through laughter.

You did end up watching a movie, the night got more and more comfortable as Yoongi decided to order takeout and bring out blankets to the couch. 

As you both cuddled up to each other your hand absent-mindedly playing with his as you watched the movie, it was an incredibly intimate thing to do but it felt so natural you could barely keep the smile off your face.

As the movie was coming to an end you began yawning announcing it was getting late and you should get back to your dorm, but as you made a move Yoongi’s brought his arm around your waist tightly a small ‘don’t go’ escaping from his lips.

You sighed, you wanted to stay over if you were being honest but was it really the best idea?

“I don’t know Yoongi….I don’t even have a change of clothes or anything.”

Yoongi pulled you him closer to him and you let yourself relax into his touch.

“I’ll lend you something to sleep in. Please Y/N. I’ve missed you.”

And with those 3 word’s he didn’t even need to say anymore.

You let out a sigh of content. “Yes Yoongi I’ll stay.”

He got up, asking you to follow him to his room. 

You obliged, following after him to the nearest door. He opened it up and motioned for you to wait on his bed while he found you something comfortable.

You looked around at the unfamiliar room, the first thing you noticed was how clean it was, that was unusual for a guy his age it was simple, his sheets white and his room plain you looked around in awe.

You weren’t sure what you had been expecting if you were being honest, but as you were about to comment he was suddenly standing in front of you, a black tee and a pair of basketball shorts in hand.

You smiled up at him “Thank you Yoongi.”

“That door there is the bathroom.” he said pointing to an ensuite inside his own room.

You nodded going in and when you shut the door behind you you let out a long sigh.

You were really going to stay here tonight.

As you got changed you realised the t-shirt he had given you was long enough to ignore the shorts he had given you.

Folding your own clothes and leaving them on top of his wash basket you grabbed your phone for a quick glance before you returned to him.

A notification from Jungkook.

11:12PM

JK: I hope you’re okay you seemed a little off tonight, please remember you can talk to me about anything.

You smiled, feeling your heart swell at the loving message you typed a quick reply with a thank you and lots of heart emojis.

As you left the bathroom you saw Yoongi awkwardly standing like he wasn’t quite sure what to do with himself.

He looked up at you and you saw him eyeing your body, his eyes travelling up your bare legs, you felt the heat of his gaze taking you all in and you couldn’t help but revel in the feeling that you had that effect on him.

“I’ll – um – take the couch, you sleep here.” You could tell he was distracted over your lack of clothes but he cleared his throat and began to leave.

“Yoongi.” You called and stopped him in his tracks.

“Thank you for being such a gentleman.” You giggled.

You heard him scoff a laugh before walking out of the room, some sort of pyjamas in hand.

So here you were, left alone in Min Yoongi’s bedroom.

You werent exactly sure what you should be doing, should you just go to sleep?

As if it were that easy…

You felt giddy as you got under the covers, his bed was huge compared to your single in your dorm.

You tried to relax and calm a little remembering you were technically meant to be trying to sleep, you reached over to turn off the bedside lamp, shrouding yourself in darkness.

You decided to scroll through your phone for a while trying to think about other things and definitely not how badly you wanted to go out there and ask Yoongi to come back.

Your intentions weren’t even of a sexual nature, you simply just wanted him to lay with you, you wanted to fall asleep in his arms – something you hadn’t got the chance to do yet.

After about 20 minutes of tossing and turning and checking every social media platform you decided to take a deep breath and just go ask him, you were nervous that he wouldn’t even want to but then again he was letting you stay in his room after all.

You slowly tiptoed across the floor, afraid in case he was already sleeping you quietly opened the door.

You realised you couldn’t even tell with as you could only see the back of the couch and not his form, you decided to half shout half whisper, praying he was awake anyway.

“Yoongi!”

He head came into view as he sat up from the couch, looking wide awake and a little confused.

“Is everything okay?” He asked, a look of concern crossing his features.

“Yeah…” You realised just how shy and nervous you actually felt as you continued speaking. 

“Will you come sleep beside me Yoongi please?”

You saw a small smile appear on his face, “Of course, I’m super glad you asked, I wanted to ask but I thought you would see it as creepy or something.”

You rolled your eyes smacking him on the shoulder as he got closer.

“Your whole dick has been inside me but you think cuddling is as the creepy thing to offer?!” You asked, eyes widening in shock a little.

Yoongi held his hands up in defence as he followed you to the bed both of you climbing in on either sides.

“I don’t know…” He trailed off looking at you as you now lay beside one another.

“I guess I thought you were still mad at me.”

You sighed a little and looked at him scanning his face and frowned a little at the black eye that adorned his beautiful features.

“I hate that someone hurt you Yoongi.” You said, you hadn’t really meant to say it aloud.

Both your faces were close looking at each other in comfortable silence, a small pout forming on his lips at your statement he leaned in and gave you the smallest of pecks, it was so sweet and tender you felt like you heart was going to beat out of your chest as heat formed across your cheeks.

“Let’s go to sleep Y/N.”

You nodded, leaning in a little closer to him and shutting your eyes after whispering a soft ‘goodnight’.

*

You woke up feeling too hot, far too hot. As you took in your surroundings and remembered where you were you smiled at the reason for your warmth, realising Yoongi had pulled you in and draped his arm over your waist in the middle of the night. You felt comfortable in his arms, having one of the best sleeps you’ve had in a long time, your worries felt at ease for once and you just simply felt in the moment with him.

You slowly shifted until you were turned to face him, he pouted a little in his sleep at the disruption and you couldn’t help but smile harder, placing a soft kiss on his pout you watched as his eyes fluttered open slowly, confusion on his face as he tried to take in what sensation had just woken him up.

He smiled when he saw you looking at him, stretching his limbs and letting out a long yawn.

“Did you sleep well?” You asked.

“Mmmm yes I did, I really like waking up next to you…” He said, his handing tracing absent-minded patterns on your arm.

“Me too…” You trailed off feeling a little sad that this wasn’t going to be a permanent thing.

“Your eye looks a little better, I think it’s starting to heal.” You said reaching out to touch his face gently.

“Hm you don’t think it’s sexy? Like in a 'wow I’m a big sexy bad boy' way?.” 

You couldn’t roll your eyes hard enough turning away from him only to have him whine and pull you back to face him.

“Yeah that whine sounds so bad boy.” You said giggling as he pulled you closer and began kissing your neck.

“Hmmmm, you smell amazing.” He said nuzzling further into your neck with a groan.

You felt yourself begin to grow a little hot at the noise, his lips leaving a hot trail down to your collarbone.

You let out a pleased noise.

“Hmm you like that baby?” He asked beginning to move his body so he was hovering over yours, his mouth kissing lower.

You let out a noise of approval feeling too hot and worked up to speak.

His hands found your hips and he slowly pushed up the t-shirt you were wearing his hands gliding along your warm skin.

As he pushed it up further you helped him, pulling it off you completely leaving you in only your underwear.

Yoongi let out a groan at the picture of your almost naked body in front of him resting his forehead on your stomach trying to compose himself for a moment as the mere sight of you was making him go a little crazy.

You let out a whine “Yoongi do something. Please.”

He looked back up at you a smirk on his face, “Now who’s whining babe?”

You let out a scoff quickly followed by a sharp gasp as his mouth latched onto your nipple.

His tongue teasing and sucking you could feel the wetness pooling at your core.

You wanted to squeal a little, the frustration of how teasingly slow he was going was making you feel crazy.

As he took his time, making sure to kiss every inch of your body by the time he got close to where you needed him most you were a writhing mess.

“Yoongi please.” You gasped out when he kissed the inside of your thigh, merely a few centimetres away from you soaked panties.

“Tell me what you want baby. I’ll give it to you.” He said planting another soft kiss even closer this time.

You suddenly felt a little embarrassed, you don't think you’d ever begged to get your pussy ate before.

“I want…your tongue on me, fuck please.” You breathed out, hardly able to think straight.

Yoongi put his hands to the hem of your panties silently asking you to raise your hips and you did allowing him to pull them off.

You let out a yelp when Yoongi pushed your thighs further apart so he had a full view of your leaking core.

You let out a low whine of embarrassment trying to close your thighs a little but Yoongi had a strong grip.

“Sorry I’m staring, your pussy is beautiful though…” 

You immediately brought your hand up to your face not believing the words coming out of his mouth.

“Yoongi shut up!” You said from behind your hands.

Yoongi laughed a little bringing his head down, you nearly moaned at the feeling of his breath on your core.

“Please.” Was all you whispered out, so beyond desperate for some sort of relief you were clenching around nothing.

Yoongi’s tongue slowly licked up until he started slowly licking at your clit,  giving it all his attention.

You moaned, absolutely in bliss at the feeling, but you needed something more.

“Yoongi your fingers please…”

His cock twitched at that, hardening further at your words, did you know what you were doing to him?

He happily obliged, slowly slipping a finger inside you, pumping in and out before adding a second, stretching you out further.

As he kept up his assault on your clit, you didn’t think you’d ever felt an orgasm approach you this fast before, the familiar pressure building in record time.

“Yoongi oh my god – I think – I think I’m gonna come, please don’t stop, please.”

As he listened, knowing you were close he picked up the pace, pumping his fingers faster and sucking on your clit a little bit harsher.

“Fuck!” You half yelled along with a moan, turning your head to the side and closing your eyes as you let your orgasm wash over you, your whole body felt heavy as you came down, the whole time Yoongi’s tongue never left you slowly working you through it.

“Yoongi.” You said, breathing heavily. “Get back up here.”

You turned back as he slowly moved back up so his face was facing yours again a smile on his face.

You placed your hands on either side of his face, feeling like your heart could burst at the sight of the man in front of you, pulling his face to yours so you could kiss him rather than say something stupid.

Yoongi groaned a little as his hard-on brushed against you, he must’ve been in need of some serious relief.

You felt an immediate pulse of fresh pleasure at the thought of him getting hard at the action of eating you out.

“Yoongi…want…you to fuck me.” You said between short kisses.

Yoongi smirked at you.

“Really?” He asked feigning innocence and you honestly could’ve rolled your eyes at his teasing if you weren’t so turned on.

“Yes baby please, want you to fuck me so hard Yoongi and I know your big dick will fill me right up.” You said trying to sound as seductive as possible, you could play this game if he wanted too.

Yoongi just stared for a second as his brain buffered not believing the filth coming from you.

“Fuck.” Was all he said as he began kissing your neck again and this time you felt him fishing his cock out of his underwear.

Lining up at your entrance, he stopped just short of pushing in.

“Tell me how bad you want it baby and I’ll give it to you.”

Fuck he was going to be the death of you.

“Yoongi please, I need you so bad, need you to fill me up…”

And with that, he plunged into you bottoming out immediately.

You gasped at the pressure, your head falling back and your eyes almost rolling into the back of your head.

“Jesus fuck!” You yelled as he continued thrusting at such a relentless pace he had to grab you by the hips to stop your body from moving farther up the bed.

“Tell me what you want baby… harder, faster?” He asked, his breathing laboured as he tried to keep his pace up.

“Fuck yes oh my god I’ll come so fast like this.” You said your voice practically vibrating with how hard he was fucking you.

“Yeah?” He said his hand moving further up your body he stopped just short of your throat eyeing you up.

You had a feeling he was little too nervous to ask what he wanted but you knew just what was on his mind and you loved the idea.

“Yoongi choke me.” You gasped out.

“Please choke me a little, please? It’ll feel so good.”

Yoongi’s hip stuttered a little at your words his eyes widening in shock, he nearly came right there breathing deep, trying to compose himself.

“Yeah? Are you sure?” He asked.

You nodded like a crazy woman. “Yes.” You breathed out, not finding any more energy to speak, you could feel your orgasm coming.

His hand slowly snaked up your body until it was resting at your neck he slowly wrapped his fingers around it, applying light pressure.

“Baby... you need to tell me if it’s too much okay?”

You nodded at him again.

His fingers squeezed a little harder as he began fucking in you again as lightning speed.

You closed your eyes letting him choke and fuck you however he wanted, you were in a state of bliss as the familiar knot in your stomach was so close to snapping.

He didn’t choke you too hard always alternating between some pressured squeezes and releasing again.

“Feels so good.” You said when he eased up his pressure for a while.

“You wouldn’t believe how fucking hot you look like this baby…all spread out for me you’re so dirty baby, tell me... do the guys know what a little slut you are?”

Fuck.

You shook your head no.

“God if they could see you like this I think they would never recover.”

You weren’t sure where it came from but for a moment you pictured your 6 best friends watching you, and it sent you right over the edge.

“Yoongi I’m coming fuck, I’m coming!” You said as one of the best orgasms you’ve ever had tore its way through you.

Your core spasmed uncontrollably as you moaned, bringing Yoongi over the edge with you.

“Jesus christ.” He breathed out as he gathered up some strength to pull out of you and roll over to your side.

You laughed out loud as you turned to face him, unable to think straight you said the first thing that came to mind.

“That black eye still makes you look like a dumbass.”

It was Yoongi’s turn to laugh as you both tried to get your breathing under control.

“Come on, let’s get in the shower.”

*

You and Yoongi spent the rest of the day lazing around in his bed kissing and laughing, you had even given him a quick blowjob when you’d both gotten a little too handsy once again.

You didn’t think you could feel this way with someone but the absolute ease and comfort you felt being with him was indescribable.

As you both lay in his bed watching Netflix – although there wasn’t much watching – you heard the front door knock.

“Babe it must be the pizza, go open the door while I grab cash so he doesn’t leave.”

“I'm indecent!” You whined only wearing one of Yoongi’s shirts.

“Go give him a show!” He said winking at you as he went in search of his wallet.

You rolled you eyes getting up anyway not risking the delivery person getting fed up and actually leaving.

As you got to the door you made sure the t-shirt was pulled as far down as it would go.

You opened the door and swung it open “Hi can you wait –“

You froze.

“Y/N?” 

Your eyes widened in shock.

You were standing face to face with none other than Jin.

[btxtreads]

ANOTHER TAG ASHJHJASD

extra long tag game (aka a tmi that no one particularly cares for)

tagged by @txthearteu​

tagging @markhyucknorenminchenji​ @qtsoobin​ @beomberry​ @txtdiaries​ and other people who wanna do it idk

ONE

tell me the first song that made you stan your current fave group and why did your faves attract you so much?

of course, none other than king943 hSJADJSAJHAS. He’s a little secret I’ll let you all in on: the first person I actually noticed in TXT was,,,,,,, Kang Taehyun hSDHJAHJSDAHSA but he wasn’t my bias. I just thought he was cute (also amused me bc my BTS bias was Taehyung and I found a guy named Taehyun cute), but I didn’t stan them then. I started stanning when I saw ONE DREAM.TXT where they talked to BTS and found them really cute and endearing. Looking into them, they were wild, and chaotic and so fun and also i got rEAAAALLY attached to Soobin. So here I am. There u go, my stanning story.

TWO

rule: answer the ten questions and write your own!

what’s your unrealistic goal for life?

becoming a famous actress or singer hJSHADJSA

if you had known that we would be in a global pandemic, what’s one thing that you would’ve done before things shut down (if they have for you)?

Went to a theme park. I miss going to theme parks 🥺

what’s an unconventional thing that you carry around with you when you go out?

hmmm most of the time i just go out with just my phone and money unless I need to bring a bag due to safety concerns/more items needed. So I’d say nothing unconventional.

favourite type of plushies and why?

God do I seem boring hsahsajjsa but i wasn’t too big on plushies. I had a gigantic teddy bear named Justin when I was a kid (it’s a bear with shades that my brother gave me) and I used to buy plushies whenever I’m in disneyland, it’s all in my sister’s reading lounge. The only plushie in my room now is a Mollang doll wearing like a blue shirt/dress, it’s my favorite rn It’s squishyyyy

favourite song right now?

right now, it’s Work It by Sabrina Carpenter.

something that you’ve always wanted to learn?

Dancing (i literally suck. i have no idea how. no joke), Vocal Lessons (had some lessons briefly for like a year but i stopped and want to take some again), music production, acting, hosting

tell a funny story about yourself (or just something that you’ve witnessed)

ok okok so one time in our class groupchat we were talking about class elections for officers. There were muse votes and some people were saying they want me to be the muse but i didnt want to bc i was busy with work. Then they started saying that they want me to be the muse and this guy that i rejected be the escort. while this is happening, i was simping hard for soobin in another chat. anyways, i got everything mixed up and accidentally sent the soobin simp stuff to the class chat and everyone thought i was simping for the classmate i rejected i was so asHAMED.

headphones or speakers? why?

speakers! idk i just like blastic the music loud.

craving any food right now? what are you craving?

anything with cheese

which music streaming platform do you prefer? why?

spotify since its free for me askjjksad someone pays for my subscription lmaooo

😌✌️

questions from cj to me:

android or apple? why?

APPLE because im loyal 😌 and i guess im just used to it so its easier to use for me + all my gadgets at home are mac

words of affirmation or physical affection? why?

I think there should be a good balance of both. The words will have the ability to give you this sense of comfort and satisfaction and you know just overall a peace of mind when you hear the right words??? and physical affection bc sometimes it’s just better to get a hug or a kiss isntead of talking yk? actions speak louder than words sometimes

bean bag or rocking chair? why?

Honestly, this would depend. If I’m reading a book and feeling very vintage with a hot cup of coffee, definitely a rocking chair. If I’m watching TV and basically just chilling I’d go for Bean Bag. I like maintaining the atmosphere.

do you view a half-filled glass as half-full or half-empty or an in-between? why? (go as deep as you can)

I view it as in-between, because there’s always room for improvement. There’s always things to change, and consider, and make better. There’s no such thing as perfect.

If someone were to grant your wish right now, what would it be and why?

Please stop corona right now and let everyone go back to their daily lives and please let me attend a TXT concert bls im begging on my kNEES

if someone were to give you anything you want right now, what would it be and why? (something that can be held)

Give me Soobin I just want to give him a hug. this is valid i can hold him

favorite season and why

Winter! Even if I’ve never experienced snow or winter before, the whole idea of snow is just really fun and endearing to me. One of my bucketlists is to see snow in real life. I think it has to do with the fact that I’ve always been this person to prefer the cold over heat.

what made you enter tumblr?

I’ve always been here! Just not in kpop tumblr. I’ve since deleted my old accounts and shame  but i came back to write. It’s always been so stress-relieving to me, to write without any expectations on my back because I’m thinking about grades or a competition. Also Soobin simping is a daily thing and I gotta release it somewhere man

are you happy with where you are in life right now? why or why not?

Yes. I may not be the richest or the prettiest, or smartest or whatever, but I have a good family that loves me. I have good friends that support me and I have TXT and BTS to help me cope when things get overwhelming. I have a job that gives me a little bit of income (it’s not too common for college students here to get jobs like in the US, most of them just focus on acads) and all the means to continue my education amidst the pandemic. So really, I’m grateful for where I am now.

to see the boys in real life but for it to happen only once in your lifetime, or to meet the boys via online fan meeting as many times as you can in your lifetime? why?

Why do you have to do me dirty cj,,,,, prolly online. I may not get to hug them or anything but I get to talk to them still. As may times as I want to. And as a girl whose sanity literally just depends on Soobin giggles rn it’ll be very therapeutic to me to see them and talk to them as much as I could, even just through a screen.

QUESTIONS FROM ME TO YOU:

Cinema or Netflix? Why?

Fire or Rain? Why?

What’s the worst experience you’ve had as a KPOP stan?

How do you handle stress?

Favorite Disney Princess and why?

Which fictional character do you say you relate the most to?

How did you get into KPOP?

What kind of merch you got 👀

Would you date a KPOP idol? What would you do if you do date one? (doesnt have to be your bias, just wanna see what y’all would do)

Would you rather be with someone you love but doesn’t love you back or be with someone that loves yu but you don’t love them back? (Or, as the Filipinos would say, Mahal ko o Mahal Ako)

THREE

rule: bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations, then tag nine people.

AIR ༉⋆͙̈

i have small hands / i love the night sky / i watch animals and birds when i pass them by / i drink herbal tea / i wake to see the dawn / the smell of dust is comforting / i’m valued for being wise / i prefer books to music / i meditate / i find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

FIRE ༉⋆͙̈

i don’t have straight hair / i like to wear ripped jeans and overalls / i play an organized sport / i love dogs / i am not afraid of adventure / i love to talk to strangers / i always try new foods / i enjoy road trips / summer is my favorite season / my radio is always playing

WATER ༉⋆͙̈

i wear bracelets on my wrists / i love the bustle of the city / i have more than one set of piercings / i read poetry / i love the sound of a thunderstorm / i want to travel the world / i sleep past midday most days / i love simply lit dinners and fluorescent signs / i rewatch kids shows out of nostalgia / i see emotions in colors not words

EARTH ༉⋆͙̈

i wear glasses or contacts / i enjoy doing the laundry / i am a vegetarian or vegan / i have an excellent sense of time / my humor is very cheerful / i am a valued advisor to my friends / i believe in true love / i love this chill of mountain air / i’m always listening to music / i am highly trusted by the people in my life

AETHER ༉⋆͙̈

i go without makeup in my daily life / i make my own artwork / i keep on track of my tasks and time / i always know true north / i see beauty in everything / i can always smell flowers / i smile at everyone i pass by / i always fear history repeating itself / i have recovered from a mental disorder / i can love unconditionally

FOUR

PERSONAL

name: -

nickname: rina

birthday: - 

zodiac: gemini

nationality: filipino

languages: english, filipino 

gender: female

sexuality: straight

height: 5′2 like 2 years ago, i probably grew like an inch or two 

BLOG STUFF

inspiration for muse: --

meaning behind my url: bts and txt fanfics to read hasjhsahj

blog established: ,,,,, i cant remember askjjksdjkdsa but the blog is only a few months old!

followers: 384!!! love yall 

FAVORITES

favourite animals: b u n n y y y y y

favourite books: CAMP HALF BLOOD SERIES BY RICK RIORDAN IM ZEUS’ DAUGHTER YALL

favourite colour: black, blue, purple

favourite fictional characters: Percy Jackson, Jaron from Ascendance Trilogy, Chimmy!!! hihi

favourite flower: white roses

favourite scent: coffee

favourite season: winter

RANDOM

average hours of sleep: 3-5 or 8-10.

cats or dogs: dogs because cats scare me

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: coffee!!! especially if it’s iced and sweet

current time: 12:21 AM

dream trip: California. Look I have the visa, pls miss rona. just leave so cali can just let me IN

dream job: actress or singer

hobbies: writing, reading, watching crackvids

hogwarts house: gryffindor

last movie watched: Work It (bc it has sabrina carpenter ahshsahsa i have low standards when we talk about Sabrina)

last song listened to: Helpless - Hamilton OBC

no. of blankets you sleep with: 1

random fact(s): if given the chance again, I would go on a date in high school. Also try to exert more effort in my appearance back then i looked like an honest to god M E S S (tbh i still do but now i have eyebrow liner on) hsajhsajhh

FIVE

10 things I can’t stop listening to (at the moment)

Run Away - TXT

Work It - Sabrina Carpenter

Euphoria - BTS

Song Cry - Yeonjun

Helpless - Hamilton OBC

Satisfied - Hamilton OBC

Journey to the past - Anastasia OBC

Lost in the Woods - Frozen OST

Perfect Song - Sabrina Carpenter

Friends - BTS

[minecraftoworymode]

picked a whole bouquet of whoopsie-daisies the other day reading some Very badfeel content so to cheer myself up here’s some super self-indulgent ramblings about romeo recovery post-s2

“YOU CAN DANCE IF YOU WANT TO YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR INTERNALIZED MISOGYNY BEHIND” or how romeo learned to stop worrying and indulge in the ““feminine”“ shit in life

when romeo transitioned he scrubbed everything that could be potentially viewed as feminine from his appearance and behaviour. while he did everything he could about the former (hairstyle, clothing, body language, voice), it didn’t feel like enough bc he couldn’t change some things that ppl used to be jerks- his frame (short and lithe), his family, his being trans- so he made up for it by trying to “act” like a “real man”. this unfortunately meant he was super vulnerable to manipulative alt-right indoctrination tactics (”we will validate you as a man as long as you endorse our assholery and share our shitty beliefs about what it means to be a man”) and he was on the verge of getting sucked into gamergate ideology when [THIS LORE IS ANOTHER POST] and hey, now the world is minecraft. u dont gotta perform gender roles for villagers they dont care. xara will not only actually eat ur liver for pulling The Bullshit but when you are kind she smiles, so bright and warm, and it is very very nice so maybe you should keep on doing that. n fred? fred is chill with their Everything in a way uve only ever Dreamed of. romeo marinates in this sauce for a couple centuries and comes the closest to being comfortable in his own skin he’s ever been.

however,

after the Incident he slam-dunked himself back into the hypermasculinity juice bc it was a mindset “safe” from feeling pain, whether his or others’. n since the worlds the admins created dont have the same ideas of gender as the world they came from, once he’s been dethroned romeo has a particularly hard time adjusting wrt That on top of all the other 2750347502730 issues he has to face

anyway flash forward a couple months of being incredibly volatile bc he now has to confront all the terrible things he did and how Dare u make him do that and maybe if hes nasty enough he can provoke someone into killing him and saving him from having to unpack All Of That- (note from @simple-mooshroom-herder​: Xara and Jesse at least grasp that Romeo will probably burn himself out on this bullshit eventually and the best thing to do is interact with him with a certain level of healthy detachment. Eventually he'll see that theres no "getting out of this" and he'll start to do the Work but until then its very frustrating to see that tactic take him nowhere.)

- one day petra notices how he’s constantly staring at all the ppl wearing cute dresses in beacontown and at first she thinks he's being creepy but then realizes that he's not being creepy and actually she knows exactly how he feels bc she also used to look at ppl wearing clothes super not suited for combat like that, like she wished she could wear them too, like if she just didnt have to keep up this image of the Warrior who is Not Soft Ever-

n ok. listen. these worlds have been specifically engineered to be better and kinder than the one the admins came from, and when people mess up- even REALLY mess up- people are generally not only willing to forgive you but support you as you try and get better. it’s instinctual for communities to respond to misdeeds with rehabilitation and reconciliation, rather than retaliation and renunciation (tho its not an overnight thing and it generally takes 1-3 people to spearhead the process, esp if the actions have affected a large group of people). like. ivor created something that almost destroyed the entire world, not just beacontown, yet by the end of season one he’s grown to be a part of the team- n its not just jesse & co being forgiving here, bc when ivor made his s1 build with 3 lava source blocks people objected to it, but by s2 he not only has lava in his build but a giant lake of it. (im assuming the fences around said lake are coming eventually, bc safety is still important, but the implications im choosing to take from this are a) despite almost ending the world people let him into their lives anyway and b) the community not only grew to accept but encourage his self-expression.)

BUT ANYWAY before i go off on that even more one day petra and romeo basically put on an impromptu fashion show in jesse’s house (bc their house is huge and, kind of perfect for a fashion show, and also right next to the order hall’s armory whence they stole a bunch of fancy swords to match the outfits) n theyre having a blast until the hero in residence , returns to their residence (and with COMPANY) n romeo is absolutely Mortified- caught red-handed showing feelings of an almost human nature, oh my god, this will NOT do- n this whole grand soliluquy of shame and excuses and apologies grabs the steering wheel of his tongue but he cant even spit a single syllable out bc jesse and lukas almost immediately dip leaving romeo panicking for a second before they come back with their inventories FULL of cute outfits, including a billion skirts and dresses, some of them are even enchanted so theyre like. super shiny or constantly flowing or things like that.

this actually ends up spiralling into a town-wide... not quite fashion show bc there's no runway or anything, everyone just shows up in their cutest/coolest outfits .. fashion convention?? Anyway several people come up to him and compliment him on his outfit casually before continuing along, not recognizing him not only bc of how hes done his hair and makeup n what hes wearing but he just seems... so happy (he might be wearing something on his head? like a headpiece or hat or something? but also maybe not hmm)- whoever this is, he's not hunched over like he's got several centuries' worth of sins crawling on his back he’s not trying to shrink and make small a human-shaped apology for the simple fact of his existence not dragging his feet like hes ready for, dreading, a hundred mile trek through the desert repenting hes just. hes literally just Vibing

anyway he's mostly been silent or just providing very quiet "thank you"s but when it turns out that some people showed up ready to play music and there's a song that he knows he literally cant help but start jamming out its the GOod Stim everyones a-dancing and a-jiving and some people start to sing and so of course he does too (the healing power of dancing and singing in cute outfits.... unfathomable) but. ppl recognize his voice

and after a few seconds he notices how quiet it's gotten all of a sudden n everyones looking at him like "oh shit thats the admin" and honestly his heart breaks. visibly

but

then someone starts singing, so quiet it takes a moment for him to hear over the sound of an encroaching panic attack (oh god he has airpods in), but when he looks over theyre smiling - theyre smiling at hiM???? AND IT DOESNT EVEN LOOK MEAN??- and doing this very simple step, that he catches onto just as easily as he matches their singing (its a fairly common little tune n dance)

theyre like standing like a good few meters away but as they take turns with lines in the song they slowly inch closer

and he thinks hes starting to recognize the dance that the steps theyre doing is from but at the part in the song thats coming up ur supposed to allemande left and even tho theyre like, less than a meter away now literally no one has really wanted to get close to him, let alone actually touch him, so hes totally expecting them to be like 'psych' and humiliate him in front of the entire crowd-

BUT THEN THEY ACTUALLY GO FOR IT???

he completes the step without even thinking about it n continues onto the next in this state of dull bewilderment where there is but one braincell active in his head and it is just going, in a very tiny voice, "danser?"

- when they linked arms the person briefly seemed surprised that he didn't like, chew their arm off or anything (he had. kind of snapped at people a few times during the past few weeks), but then their shock turned into a wide smile and they sort of- nodded? at someone over his shoulder like 'come and join us, it doesn't look like he's going to kill me after all you guys can put the eulogy writing on hold'

what rly makes his heart do the confused and hopeful conga is that this isnt even anyone romeo knows, its a total stranger. or- like- he saw them while he was pretending to be jesse he just didnt care to get to know them beyond ‘name and gimmick’- its not even someone who has any reason to think he'd be cool to befriend its literally jsut someone taking a chance on him (tkae a chance take a chance take a chance take a cha)

afterwards hes like "i should thank jesse for putting you up to that, it was fun" and theyre like "what? jesse didn't "put me up to" anything, dude, you just looked super choked. * something something surfer lingo who would i be if i just left someone to feel bad when they could be having fun dancing you know?*"

he H

[sugarpun-fairy]

BEING A FAN AND DATING JOEL PIMENTEL - HEADCANNON

A/n: i was just fooling around w my mate @brattybombshell when this came up LAST MONTH I’M LATE FOR EVERYTHING SO PLS FORGIVE ME

also this is huge so yeah, enjoy urselves 

-x-

He meets you on the meet&greet  

You're all shy and nervous and almost pass out too like the girl from that vid and he's enchanted

P.S. it's your first show ever

And you bring everyone a letter with a small gift in it

The boys joke with you the entire time, trying to make you loosen up a little

You notice some of Joel's looks at you but you're like  

Nah, fam, me? Nop.

But the thing is that YES, FAM, YOU!

He's curious about you, your laugh and puns (that are just worse than Erick's)

He looks like a KID trying to find you when he's on stage  

But he can't

You were too far for him to see you and oh if he could bring you closer (like to his side) HE WOULD

After the show he's asking the whole staff to find you  

They can't

So he nicknames you Cinderella

You stole his heart and left without letting any traces

But he remembers your letter

He search for it like a dog searching a bone it dug on the backyard

He wants anything he can find about you, he NEEDS

A name, an address, an user

Homeboy is SO relieved when he finds your letter  

When he reads it and see your number there? He's on the clouds

He could swear he wouldnt complain about ANYTHING ever AGAIN  

Well, if you answered to a number from another country at least

He calls you  

He text you  

And you're like WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING MATE

That's when you pick up and he's like "hey it's me Joel"

You almost faint right there

Let's say that the show was on a Saturday and he's calling you at like

3 AM

And he's like PLEASE COME MEET ME I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU and you're like FUCK

Your flight is booked to the afternoon

You dont have this much time

The two of you don't even sleep

He sends a car to pick you up and you're a bit scared but SO excited (bc let's be honest the world is rlly dangerous for girls/women)

You didnt had time to put on makeup, just a quick shower so when you meet him you're all "oh boy I should have dressed up better why didnt I listened to my mom" AND HE LOOKS AT YOU AND HIS EYES FUCKING SHINE

That's when you stop, freeze and thinks  

"Fuck  

He's too much sand for my paper truck"

Then you see he's wearing the choker you gave him

And you melt

He's like "do you know a place we can go?" And you're like "I DONT LIVE HERE FUCK HE MUST THINK IM PATHETIC AND MUST BE REGRETTING CALLING ME HERE”

He finds it adorable how your body language shows your nervousness  

You can't keep eye contact  

But then you do

And then he's like "fuck" and you're like "fuck"  

And he's like "if you dont feel uncomfortable we could just get some snacks and stay at my room and talk about life" and you're so nervous you just shake your head

You see the amount of letters and gifts in his bed and you're like  

"IM REALLY HERE HOLY FUCK"

He doesnt make any move if he feels you're too uncomfortable  

So by the sunrise you're both sitting beside the other eating something from room service and he's listening to you rambling about your life

(He finds it adorable how distracted you get when you're talk and how sometimes you mix languages)

Then you stop talking and just sits back  

He's like omfgwhatdidido

And you're like imtalkingtoomuchheprollythinksimboring

You two stand there in silence and you look at the window

Sun is rising

His window is pointed straight at its direction

Mate

You love that boy  

But theres nothing more magical than the sun rising so you just go

And he goes after you

Mate it's beautiful

The sun, all the colors

But hes not looking at it

Hes looking at how even more beautiful your smile gets when the sun hits your face

"I'm sorry can I kiss you?" He snaps  

You're pretty sure you heard it wrong  

"What? Wait really? Yes please!"  

He nods and laugh  

You're smaller so he's leaning down and suddenly you're so nervous YOU BURST OUT LAUGHING

Your next thought is "I fucked up" so yeah you cry a bit  

You can't lie and say you hadn't cried already because the whole thing was SO UNREAL

The show  

The meet  

Being there with him

When he tries again it works

His hands are around your face then on your nape  

You dare to put your on his shoulder and his hair

His hair is SOFT

You guys keep touch

Using instagram since you doesnt have iOS (you tell him you hate it and won't ever trade your lil samsung, he gives you one anyway just bc he can)

You're not sure how to feel about it

First you're on the show  

Second you're kissing him at sunrise on his hotel room  

Third he's sending you gifts just so you can talk more?????????

Anxiety kicks in OF COURSE it's way too much

He stops telling he's single on interviews  

The boys tease him about it all the time

Talking about his Cinderella

There's a whole move on Twitter to find out who she is

You know who she is

Sometimes you're insecure  

About his career  

About you two  

About the fandom  

About EVERYTHING

He's always reassuring you about how he feels and doesnt care about anything else

(Your answer is always the same: anything else but music)

You're scared you'll start annoying him w your insecurities

So you start talking to the other boys too about it

Guess who slips that Joel wants to take you to tour with them when you can?

its hard to convince your parents, your vacation from work and college are not at the same time and you're like FUCK

the tour ends and you cant go and you're feeling so down

until he texts you saying he'll go to your country to see you

WE GOT POSTS EVERYWHERE "Is he going to see his so called Cinderella? So that means they met during the tour? Make your bets everyone"

it's crazy

you spend the first nights with him at the hotel before going to your house

the feeling of him being too much for you hits you everyday

gets worse when he goes to meet your family and youre like oh boy

you're so nervous you almost throw up

and everyone be like IM SORRY WAHT and you be like WE NEVER DID ANYTHING STOP RIGHT THERE

he spends that night at your house

its you, him, and your pet

and when you wake up you starts crying because you still can't believe

he also loves to hear you sing, even tho HE'S the singer there

its just a thing he likes, how you try your best even if you hate your own voice

a couple days before he goes back home he's like "get your passport i want you to go with me" and youre like "SO IF I TELL YOU ITS NOT THAT FAST WHAT WILL U DO"

and he just goes "JUST GET UR PASSPORT I HAVE A COUPLE MONTHS OFF AND I WANT YOU TO MEET MY FAMILY TOO"

At moment you're thinking if you could just leave everything behind and go live w him

part of you wants to

part of you is like "WHAT IF HE GETS TIRED OF YOU AND LEAVE YOU AND YOULL BE ALONE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY WHAT WILL YOU DO"

U insecure again

he talks to your parents, assure them you'll be fine

so you go

at first is just a short time

no one will die because of a little vacation right?

WRONG you're both destroyed when you have to go home

what do to? what to do?

stay? go? (SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO TANANANANA sorry)

you know he wants to ask you to stay, he knows he cant ask you that

you turn to him and be like "if i find a job here and have the proper documents ill stay" bc you dont wanna be a burden and want to have your own independence too

also california  im not sure if he does live in california but for fictional purposes the answer is yes

one of your dreams

so you stay

he finds a small ap for you to share and his mom helps you find a nice job

when you're all set he turns to you and be like "i want to make us public" and you kinda just freezes right there

you've been together for almost a year now so why not? you end up going for it

-x-

taglist: @southside-sweets @batboys-and-other-messes @imaginesandideas @brattybombshell

[boojersey]

VIC DO ALL THE ASKS BC I LOVE U AND WANT U TO HAVE FUN

*SWEATS* AYE AYE CAPN

cw for like some common lgbt+ topics such as dysphoria violence discrimination etc just. tread carefully if u get triggered easily by bad lgbt experiences

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? -im a gay trans man and my pronouns are he/him but they/them is also acceptable!

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?-oh wow i originally thought i was a lesbian because i didnt even know what transgender was i just thought wishing i was a man meant i was butch and then i met my friend donnie in eighth grade who told me he was trans and it was kinda a huge slap in the face but with a sack of gay bricks? and i found out i dont like women through actually having sex with cis women and finally realizing it. really wasnt for me so now im just a gay man as opposed to queer as an umbrella term but i periodically refer to myself as such

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?-oh yea i literally was misgendered today i just kinda brush it off but it can be hard sometimes especially when people know im trans and do it

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?-i first told donnie about my gender, it was a thing where i went to bed the night i met him and was like  .. wait holy fuck and then the next day i was like BRO HOLY FUCK but sexuality? i dont really know???? it was so long ago it was honestly probably my group of friends on kik that i had in 2013 (u were included in that mister!!!!)

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?-im not actually fully out but the first time someone who was an adult knew about my trans-ness was what really set in for me the fact that i could come out one day; my friends mom referred to me as seance (and like. obviously she respected my gender she has a trans kid) but it was just super jarring bc no adult had known yet abt my identity in any way and as a result i was rlly glad it was nighttime in that car bc i cried almost immediately; the first time i came out on my Own was to my cousin and he laughed in my face so that was pretty damn awful and its kinda funny cuz the bastard is bi so u would think hed have been accepting but n0pe!

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?-im out to my friends now ! and the reception was generally positive bc i think i do an ok job at picking ppl to be around in terms of morals so there was little bad reception

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?-i hate when ppl ask if im gay as in for men or gay as in for women because im trans, i am a man so when i say im gay i feel like that should be easy enough to put 2 and 2 together but when they ask that i feel as if they still view me as a woman

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.-emo of the gods themselves it is absolute scene and emo vomit and i love it; its seriously hard for me to wear dresses and skirts without dysphoria and just general discomfort but i own a couple anyway bc theyre cute i just. never wear them

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?-my main thing at the moment is gerard/frank/grant morrison bc i love poly fics very dearly and gerard/bert because bert mccracken deserved better than gerawrds internalized homophobia lol

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?-makeup to me is an androgynous thing so i wear eyeshadow a lot and lipstick sometimes, eyeshadow is easier on my eyes than eyeliner bc im allergic to a lot of makeup thats on the heavier side so if i put on eyeliner my eyes will water and burn throughout the day but with eyeshadow im mostly ok; other opinion is that makeup on Anyone can be sexy as hell if they do it for fun and wear literally what they truly want and not just what they think is accepted or what they Should wear

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?-oh yeah my dysphoria is pretty debilitating if im gonna be honest; i used to have very little problems with it because my hold on reality was loose at best (before i was medicated to clarify) but now that i am almost completely Here my dysphoria is pretty bad and even just like. the knowledge that i have breasts is pretty awful; a few weeks ago i put on an outfit that i have to wear a victorias secret bra to fit properly in and just one look in the mirror had me sobbing and i had to change my clothes before i could leave the house and i havent worn a bra since because just the thought of showing off my chest makes this stark fuckin dread shoot through my veins but i also have dysphoria in regards to my voice that i discussed at my last trans therapy group meeting actually ; my voice has a tendency to bounce around my octave range so sometimes ill be like. excited then hear what i sound like. and ruin it for myself immediately u kno? im not even gonna talk about my dicksphoria bc thats just. awful. 

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?-ohhhhhhhh my god u know what? ive heard..so much .. that im gonna instead take this opportunity to mention my mother genuinely thinks dnd is satanic

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-the fact that were so strong. we are so fucking strong we deal with violence and opposition constantly and at staggering rates yet we stay strong and we continue loving through all of it, whether its in dark corners in secret or loudly in the streets we continue loving and do so with all of our beings because we know its our own truth and well gladly go to hell if it means we got to love on earth (not that everyone believes in hell or the idea that us gays go to hell but my point stands)

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-we have this audacity to create divide (to the fault of mostly cis white gay men thank u very much) when what we need to do is love each other because we are different but at the end of the day we all need to remain in tandem and as a family or we will never get to where we need to in terms of acceptance and that means being uplifting and protecting our trans sisters of color, our disabled lgbt members, our autistic lgbt members, our anything past cis white gay man because we all need recognition, we all need love, and to exclude any letters of lgbt is to tear ourselves down and set ourselves on fire

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?-no :((( no one would drive me in the past and i dont think ill have a way to get there this year either

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?-brian molko! my bisexual, androgynistically-inclined father who birthed me at the tender age of 16 when i found placebo

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?-ya theres been a few and i dont rlly like to talk abt my relationships with anyone unless theyre online relationships so im just gonna leave it at that

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?-pantomime by laura lam! its one of if not my favorite book to this day

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?-y a every damn day bitch ! example is when i was deadnamed by my psychiatrist while she knows full well what my name is the other day; another is the countless times i get called a lesbian ???? and when strict lesbians ask me out i get a very bad taste in my mouth (i understand full well that sexuality is fluid, these are lesbians that spit the ‘penis is gross blegh’ rhetoric)

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?-uh im just gonna say preacher bc its my favorite show altogether n cass is bi/pan/something similar

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?-@ble3dmagic is my boyfriend in crime (not rlly thats a joke) and @musicalsense​ is my sunburnt Brother

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?-queer! i also use f*ggot a lot when talking about myself and my friends that are ok with it

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?-i went to a drag show and it was so amazing and one of the first times i felt accepted in my own community that i cried

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?-well i identify as a man with no leaning towards womanhood or nonbinaryhood in any way, its just . man . but in terms of Expression i am quite androgynous bc i can rlly appreciate femininity (NOT the same as womanhood) and being a man to me means just that ive always wanted to grow up with that “gender role” like i always wish i was raised as a stereotypical parent would raise a son and ive always been more interested in stereotypically masculine things and people since i can even remember and i feel like puberty was just this unpreventable spiral into something i didnt want. i didnt want it at all . this is tmi but when i got my first period i cried my eyes out bc the idea of being called a Woman repulsed me so much and since i didnt even know that being trans was a concept i was just this scared puppy full of confusion and fear aimed at myself because all the stuff i heard i was supposed to be proud of the change but i wasnt i was so ashamed of it and the idea of being called a woman made me sick to my stomach and i just wish i could go back in time and hold myself and tell me itll be alright 

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?-absoLutely not i hate kids (and by that i mean i hate being around them and the culture that surrounds having children; i do not treat kids like shit and i do not act like hating children is a personality trait; i get migraines and usually the second a child starts screaming or crying i am on the floor of my brain writhing in dire pain and i have absolutely no desire to support another human life when frankly i cant even support myself; its also just not a lifestyle i want to live)

What identity advice would you give your younger self?-god so fucking much. so fucking much. so many things i wish i could say to myself

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?-i think if someone wants to adhere to them then hell yea go ahead just dont expect others to do it or try to tell other people its a Norm or something; theyre for the most part christian in nature so i dont have any desire to follow them myself, i want a relationship (if any) thats more of a coexistence if that makes sense, like. roommates plus dick

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?-i always used to anxiously chew on the idea that my chest dysphoria is just me holding disdain for the shape and size of my breasts but let me tell you. the second i put on my binder for the first time i immediately started crying because i was so overwhelmed by the fact that i was looking at something one step closer to myself and i know full well i am never going to have that doubt again. this week has been exponentially cathartic and therapeutic for me

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?-i want the cisheteros to know that nothing they learn about us is new. everything about us has been around for so so long but has been silenced and erased to the point where a lot of us dont even know many things about our rich and beautiful history

Why are proud to be lgbt+?-honestly? its hard for me to not just straight up say im not proud of my identity. its taken me years to stamp down the plain grieving toward my identity and wishing i could have the easier path but frankly? the fact that i am choosing this path of hardship and hell on earth just to be who i truly am i think speaks volumes of my pride in my identity at this point; further back in my archive by a few years my posts are littered with sentiments of bitterness wherein i stated that i hate being trans and not just cis but i like to think ive finished hating myself for my identity. i like to think im proud now. to ask me why is to ask too much of me, all i know now is that i am proud and thats enough for me right now.

[swearronchanel]

8.08

how did the series fly by this quickly? anyways, let’s see how it ends

Aww poor Val

Now Shelagh and May, I can’t with all the sadness already

Vanessa Redgrave isn’t helping either ugh

But I’ve missed the nuns being nuns and singing I’m glad they squeezed some in

It’s so hard to be stuck in the middle like that, sorry Valerie

Now a teenage girl with cancer wow they REALLY wanna make me cry tonight

Shelagh always keeping herself busy lol omg like that to do list is serious

How many kids does this lady have damn

did he say Schroeder like the Baroness in sound of music? my subtitles skipped that and my hearing is shit apparently 

Val didn’t even put makeup on, you know she can’t even

“I’ve rather missed the cinched in waist” there’s my Trix

Also love her plaid pants

Cutting the photograph right in half ugh this is terrible

Lucille is so sweet

Ugh I feel that I hate hospitals so much

ANGELA SPOKE!! I’m shook

MAY SPOKE WHATTTTT!?

this is sad but I’m too shook that both of these silent little girls just spoke it’s a Christmas in March miracle

this is so rough bc we know Val’s gran really didn’t mean to cause harm. It’s all the system’s fault man for making women’s lives so difficult

What’s wrong with Reggie?😭

Phyllis!! Ugh I’ve missed her. The lack of her has been unappreciated

Also I still love Ms Higgins LMAO I want Phyllis and her to go out somewhere

Omg I’m in tears I can’t like this is heartbreaking, my grandma is my number 1 I can’t imagine being in Val’s situation

Someone tell me what’s wrong with Reggie and who must I fight to solve the issue !!!

Aww and now May’s gone 😭 

LMFAOOO SHELAGH AND FRED

the swat of the hand is a mood 😂

RIP to the disco ball, symbolizing my energy crashing and burning

LUCILLE DEFENDING VALERIE YESS

but i would’ve thrown hands like 1) do not talk to me like that & B) mind your business bc it’s between my gran and me

“Gentle sir” I still believe Sister MJ has a platonic crush on Cyril and I love it

LMAOO oops they’re all in their slips omg too funny

Remember when the girls had funnier lines like Trixie asking Jenny Lee if she was naked and indecent when knocking on her door? 😹

Aww now Vi everyone is succumbing to tears can we stop PLS

Why is this conversation so pure? Cyril is a gem

Poppet😭 Sister Hilda sounding like Mrs Potts

“I’ll teach you” ok I really like Sister Hilda

Pub money omg

“How nice..” LMAO Sgt Woolfe really has trouble with the curve 😭 is he naive or just too persistent

But Phyllis is smart af to set them up so she’s free from him😂

“You fixed that tap” LMAO I love Reggie

GIRLFRIEND! 😭 “no, beautiful” PUREEE

YAy Phyllis is coming home *starts singing in the key of one last time from Hamilton, Phyllis Crane is coming homeeeee*

“If only the laws were different” preach Val. We know the real villain. 

“No one can go through life without experiencing any pain at all” ain’t that the damn ugly truth 😞

Lucille giving her a gown ugh my heart

Reggie writing a letter to his lady again my heart

Ugh now the dad has a sob story this is all too much

Now Sister MJ will say something that’ll hit the feels as well

“None of that defeatist talk” remember when the Dowager Countess Violet Crawley said “don’t be a defeatist my dear, it’s very middle class” LMAO I miss Downton but let’s continue

Another baby girl

Ugh more feels why is this finale so damn sad

Sgt Woolfe sent Ms Higgins flowers, get ittt girl

Omg this is too much sadness I can’t

The tears in sister Mj’s eyes 😭

Dr Turner and Fred having a little moment is honestly sweet. They’re such dads

“I am the elder” OK SISTER MJ WE HEAR U SIS !! Sister J can take a seat! you know if she were around this series..

poor Fred was so worried

Not gonna lie I lowkey didn’t see this coming. I thought May was really leaving. But you know love gotta conquer all or this isn’t a ctm finale Lmaoo 😂

And now the Turner’s officially collect kids ((it’s a It Takes Two (1995) reference  LMAOO pls don’t come for me ill stop))

May is adorable & I love her

MS CRANE IS BACK IN ACTION YES HELLO OUR SOVEREIGN LONG MAY SHE REIGN IN NONATUS HOUSE SHALL WE POP OUR ROLODEX’S IN HONOR

“Where would I be if not along side you?” GOSH SISTER J MORE TEARS FOR ME

SISTER MJ PULLED UP TOO, UGH I CANT MY HEART

I can’t take the wigs serious like why do they wear them LMAO

England really can’t let go of a lot of dated traditions can they? like the 18th century looking wigs and well, monarchs 😂😂

“They never said that to Cinderella” it just gets more sad by the minute

EXCUSE ME SIR DONT SNAP AT BEATRIX FRANKLIN LIKE THAT

Cath came omg

Can there be one smidge of happiness pls ? I need some hope here

She’s changing her plead to guilty omgg

6 years oh shit

“Until you girls with all your training and all your learning sort something out with the men who make the law..” PREACH GRAN

ABORTION BEING ILLEGAL ONLY STOPS SAFE ABORTIONS FROM HAPPENING!!! yelling at brick walls at this point

I’m so glad Val and her Gran are made peace😭

the nurses serving princess looks😍😍

FATHERS AND DAUGHTERS WALTZ I CAN NOTTTT

PATRICK, MAY, AND ANGELA

IM IN TEARS GOOD FREAKING BYE

ScHRODER DRESSED IN CINDERELLA BLUE SOMEONE HELP

Phyllis holding a random girl and Sister J holding Angela 😭😭

“Gathered together we find our light, and each spark shifts and multiplies scattering its radiance on our ordinary lives. Like everything precious, more valuable when shared. Like every common miracle, made of the stuff of stars.”

Omg Violet brought Jane I cant

“Let the line shine...See the hope, see the promise.. Tell your truth. Tell your story. Tell your love.” WOW feels

THIS WASNT ENOUGH HAPPINESS LIKE I KNOW THATS LIFE BUT STILL I NEED MORE POSITIVITY TO GET ME TO CHRISTMAS

can’t believe I watched the entire series in real time, from London like wow life is crazy

But my time is halfway done already, catch me watching the Christmas special back on my couch in the states. ok bye see ya maybe in december

[bxcketbarnes]

Dance With Me

Pairing: Stiles Stilinski x Reader

Author: @ninja-stiles

Words: 3631

Request:  Hello! Idk if u do requests based on songs but 'It won't Kill ya' by the chainsmokers is amazing and I just pictured this scene like it's that Party at Derek's house with the neon lights, and all that y/n can think about is dancing with Stiles but cant bc they're best friends and that'd weird, she has a huge crush on him, kinda angsty in the middle but fluff af in the end bc obvsly Stiles likes her back?? It's ok if u dont do it tho, ily anyways ♡♡ keep doing awesome writing by anonomoose!

Author’s Note: I thought this was cute. I hope you think so as well! Thanks to my amazing friend @mf-despair-queen for proofreading this for me!!

Word going around is that Danny’s throwing a party over at Derek’s loft, which I’m assuming he doesn’t know about, and I really want to go, especially with Stiles. Unfortunately, Stiles is having a bit of a rough patch right now, along with Scott and Allison. The three of them were kind of like surrogate sacrifices to find out where their parents had be taken to, and since then, they all have been having nightmares, sleep paralysis, and hallucinations. I’ve been debating with myself all day long to see if I should ask Stiles to come to this party, maybe it’ll help him relax a little bit. I saw Lydia at her locker, checking her makeup in the little mirror that’s on the back of the locker door. Stiles didn’t notice that I had stopped walking, so I walked over to Lydia, feeling a little nervous about asking for her opinion.

 “Hi, Lydia,” I smiled and she looked at me through the tiny mirror, giving me a small smile. She finished applying her lipstick, closing her locker softly before turning around to face me.

 “Hey, Y/N. Whatcha need?” She questioned and my eyes widened, surprised that she knew I wanted something. Lydia chuckled, closing my mouth that I didn’t realize had opened. “Yes, I knew you wanted to ask me something.”

 “U-Um, I wanted your opinion on something,” I started, looking behind me, seeing Stiles talking to Scott, his eyes glancing towards me for a split second before looking away. “You heard about Danny’s party, right?” I asked and she nodded her head, twirling a piece of her hair. “Well, I wanted to ask Stiles if he wanted to go, to get him to relax a bit, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not,” I muttered, blushing a bit as she smirked, laying a hand on my shoulder.

 “Aw sweetie, you have a crush on him,” Lydia squealed and my cheeks darkened, looking to the floor as I nodded. “I think you should totally ask him, it’ll be a nice way to get close to each other, just don’t drink too much, because you’ll probably end up doing something you’ll regret,” She smiled and I nodded my head, a smile on my lips.

 “O-Okay, I’m gonna do it. Right now,” I boldly stated, pushing some of my hair out of my face, turning around, facing them. I bit my lip, looking back at Lydia. “How does my makeup look?” I questioned and she gave me a thumbs up, pushing me in their direction. I let out a breath, shaking off the nerves as I sauntered towards them, feeling my heartbeat faster. I glanced at Scott, seeing the same smirk on his face as he told Stiles he was heading to lunch, leaving him alone and I became a little more nervous.

 “H-Hey, Y/N,” Stiles stuttered, giving me a small wave before pulling me into a hug. “Why didn’t you tell me you were going to talk to Lydia? I would’ve went with you,” I bit my lip, shrugging as I played with the tips of my fingers, not actually speaking a word yet. “You okay?” He asked, laying a hand on my arm.

 “Y-Yeah, sorry. I was lost in my thoughts. Um, I wanted to ask you something though,” I paused as he nodded his head for me to continue, a grin on his beautiful lips. “I-I was wondering if maybe, you wanted to go to Danny’s party? A-As friends, of course,” I muttered, mentally facepalming, taking my lip between my teeth. Stupid. Stupid. His cheeks turned pink as he scratched the back of his neck and I begin to frown, thinking he’s gonna say no.

 “I-I mean, I usually don’t go to parties, because I’m never invited, but yeah. I definitely want to go,” He smiled down at me and my frown turned into a smile, wrapping my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. Stiles chuckled, wrapping his arms around my waist, resting his large hands on my lower back.

 “T-This is great, oh my god. I can’t believe you said yes. Now, I have to go to the mall and find a cute outfit because I don’t have any cute party outfits and I need to do something with my hair an-,” I get cut off by Stiles placing his hand over my mouth, my eyes widened as I realized I was rambling. “Sohhfrryf,” I apologized against his hand as it muffled, not sounding like a word at all.

 “It’s okay. God, I forget how much we’re alike in some ways,” He chuckles as we walked towards the cafeteria. I giggled, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear, biting my lip again. I’m in too deep.

 I had texted Lydia and Allison, asking them if they would want to come with me to help find an outfit. I also wanted their fashion opinion, since I’m not exactly a fashion guru. The both agreed and Lydia offered to drive us, so here I am, sitting on my front step waiting for her and Allison to pull into my driveway. My phone begin to ring, snapping me from my thoughts and I dig through my purse, seeing Stiles calling me. I slide to the answer the call, pressing the phone to my ear. “Stiles? Hey, what’s up?”

 “H-Hey, Y/N! Um, this is a bit hard to explain, but I-I can’t go to the party,” I frowned, my heart dropping into my stomach. I clear my throat, my vision becoming blurry as the tears pooled.

 “O-Oh, okay. Um, okay,” I noticed Lydia’s car pulling into the driveway, wiping the tears from my cheeks. I noticed the frowns on their faces as they get out of the car. “I-It’s fine, Stiles. U-Um, I have to go though,” I whispered, my voice cracking a bit.

 “A-Are you okay?” Stiles asked and I covered my mouth with my hand, trying not to let out a sob. So much for working up the courage to ask him… “Y/N?” He questioned, worry laced in his voice.

 “I have to go, Stiles,” I muttered, hanging up the phone before he can say anything else. I put my phone back in my purse, running a hand through my hair as I let out a shaky breath. Why go to this party now? The girls sat down next to me, Allison rubbing my back as a few sobs escaped from my throat. “I feel so pathetic,” I whispered glancing at the two of them.

 “You’re not pathetic, sweetie. You’re hurt because you like him, probably even love him,” Lydia mentioned, pushing the hair out of my face. “I’m going to assume he said he couldn’t go to the party?” She asked and I nodded my head.

 “I thought, I really thought that he’d be excited to go, but I guess I misread everything. I know that he’s dealing with a lot of shit. I just wanted him to relax a bit,” I whispered, sniffling a bit.

 “C’mon, maybe shopping can distract you for a bit,” Allison murmured, pulling me off the step, heading towards the car.

 Stiles looked down at his phone, frowning as Scott walked into his room. He didn’t notice him walk in as he continued to be in thought, wondering why I had been so upset about him not going to this party.

 “Dude? You okay?” Scott asked, Stiles’ head shooting up, looking at him. Stiles nodded his head, placing the phone on his bed as he rubbed his eyes, feeling tired. He hadn’t been getting much sleep lately since he can never figure out when he actually wakes up or is still dreaming, more like a nightmare though.

 “Y-Yeah, I just got off the phone with Y/N and I think I made her upset,” He muttered, looking to the ground. Scott sat on the chair by Stiles’ desk, furrowing his eyebrows.

 “Why do you think that?” Scott asked and Stiles looked up at him, tugging on his bottom lip with his teeth, letting out a sigh.

 “Danny’s party is tomorrow night and I told you I’d help you guys with getting Kira’s phone, so I called her and told her that I couldn’t make it to the party,” Stiles looked back to the floor, tapping his foot as Scott got up, patting him on the back lightly.

 “Kira and I could possibly do this without you, if you want to go with her,” Scott mentioned and Stiles shook his head before letting out a groan, rubbing his face with his massive hands.

 “I have no idea what to do,” He sighed, looking down at his phone, seeing a picture of the two of us. Allison saw us outside where we go sometimes for lunch, by ourselves and Stiles had placed me on his lap, his arms wrapped around my waist as we were laughing about something. She sent me the photo to me that night and I awed at it, immediately sending it to Stiles.

 “Just follow your heart, man,” Scott smiled.

 Allison, Lydia, and I have been strolling through the mall going from store to store, trying to find something that I would like. My thoughts were still on Stiles, though. Did he not want to go with me anymore? Is he going with someone else? I let out a sigh, getting the girls’ attention as they turned around, giving me a look. I mutter an apology, walking in between them as we walked into Forever 21.

 “I’m sorry guys. I promise, no more Stiles,” I smiled, linking my arms with the both of them as we made our way to the clothes racks. I took my bottom lip between my teeth, sifting through some of the clothes on the rack, no really liking any of them. I heard from someone at school saying that there’s going to be body painting, so I want something that’ll show a bit of skin. Lydia came up to me, holding a white lace bralette crop top and a pair of short shorts that are ripped under the pockets, handing them to me.

 “This, this is gonna be perfect on you,” She beamed, leading me towards the dressing room, looking at the clothes in my hand. I walked into one of the dressing rooms, closing the door behind me, locking it. I undress, looking at myself in the mirror for a hot minute before putting on the shorts and top. Wow, I actually look good. I smiled at myself, looking at my ass in the shorts, approving. I heard Allison walk into the dressing room area, telling Lydia’s there’s a minor problem.

 “What is it?” Lydia asked as I pressed my ear against the door, listening closely.

 “Scott and Stiles are here,” Allison whispered and my eyes widened, opening the door, facing the two girls.

 “They’re here? Right now?” I asked and Allison nodded her head as Lydia squealed, admiring the outfit I have on.

 “Babe, you look so good!” Lydia mentioned, bringing me into a hug as Scott and Stiles showed up just outside the archway of the dressing room and Scott cleared his throat, the three of us glancing towards them. My breath hitched in my throat, seeing what Stiles was wearing, plaid shirt with a white undershirt and denim jeans, and he looks so, so good. I looked to the ground, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear, feeling his eyes on me.

 “I-I’m gonna go change,” I whispered, walking back into the dressing room, hearing small talk from my friends on the other side of the door, before hearing nothing. They must’ve went back out. I took off the crop top, just as the door opened, Stiles walking in and closing the door behind him. I turned around, letting out a small gasp, covering chest with the top. “S-Stiles!”

 “O-Oh god, I’m so sorry. I thought you would’ve been dressed by now,” He stuttered, closing his eyes, letting out a sigh. “Um, I wanted to apologize,” Stiles muttered as I slipped on my t-shirt, looking at him like he’s crazy.

 “And you couldn’t wait until I was done getting dressed?” I questioned, narrowing my eyes at him as he peeked, seeing I was dressed, my arms crossed over my chest.

 “I-I was being spontaneous?” He sounded unsure, blushing a bit, rubbing the back of his neck. “Like I said, I wanted to apologize for canceling on you,” He sat on the small bench as I sat down next to him, our legs touching slightly.

 “I-It’s fine, Stiles. I told you it was fine,” I whispered, looking up at him and he glanced at me, frowning.

 “It’s not though. I’m pretty sure I made you cry and I didn’t want that to happen. I hate when you cry and for me to be the person who did it, made me feel even worse.” He looked to the ground and I frowned, taking one of his hands in mine, playing with the tips of his fingers.

 “I just wanted you to relax, Stiles. You’ve been under a lot of stress lately and I just wanted to help.” I smiled at him, leaning my head against his shoulder.

 “That’s why, after I help Scott and Kira, I’m going straight to that party. Okay?” Stiles asked and I looked up at him, grinning. I nodded my head, leaning up, pressing my lips to his cheek before leaving the dressing room, looking back at him before leaving.

 “I’ll see you there.” I bit my lip, walking out of the dressing room, a smile on my lips. I walked towards Lydia. “I’m gonna go buy these,” I mentioned, smiling as she nodded her head, a grin on her lips.

 I had called Lydia in dire need of help with my hair. I had no idea what to do with it as I paced my bedroom, all dressed up in my outfit, makeup applied and everything.

 “Alright, in the chair!” Lydia told me as she barged into the room and I scurried to the chair in front of my vanity. She stood behind me, brushing my hair as she thought what she could do to it and she ended up french braiding my hair into two tails. “There!” She grinned and I stood up, standing in front of her.

 “How do I look?” I asked, twirling around while biting my lip. “D-Do you think Stiles will like it?” She smiled, nodding her head.

“He’ll love it. I promise you,” She said, linking my arm with hers as we head towards her car, driving to Danny’s party. I became more nervous the closer we got towards the loft, since I’ve never actually been to a party before. We pulled up to Derek’s building, getting out of the car as I look up, seeing all the lights going off in his loft, my heartbeat speeding up. “C’mon, you got this.”

 We walked into the loft, seeing the mass of people dancing to pop music, most of them grinding on each other and I was about to walk out when Lydia stopped me. She gave me a look and I sighed, turning around, walking into the loft as she brings me towards the body painting area. The girl running it smiled at me, which I returned and asked me what I had wanted. “Uh, surprise me,” I chuckled and she nodded her head as she began to paint lines on my body, noticing how nervous I am.

 “How come you’re nervous? Meeting a guy here?” She asked and I glanced at her, swallowing visibly as I nodded my head.

 “Y-Yeah. My best friend, who I have an unhealthy crush on,” I muttered, looking down at the glowing paint. She grinned as I blushed, thankful that it was dark in here, continuing her painting.

 “That’s adorable. Are you going to tell him tonight?” She looked up at me as she finished the paint job on my body. “Do you want lipstick?” She questioned and I nodded my head, pointing at the orange one. She picked it up, placing the color on my lips. I rubbed my lips together and she gave me a thumbs up, telling me it was perfect.

 “To answer your question, I might. I’m not actually sure yet. I need to muster up the courage first,” I chuckled, giving her a tip. She takes the five dollar bill, smiling at me as she patted my back.

 “You got this!” She grinned, pushing me towards the crowd. I bumped into a few people, muttering apologies as I try to find Lydia. I heard the loft’s door slide open, glancing over to it as I see Stiles, Scott and Kira walk into the place. I made my way over to them, smiling when Stiles noticed me, his eyes widening a bit.

 “Stiles!” I yelled, bringing him into a hug, feeling his arms wrap around my waist. I pulled away from him, waving at Scott and Kira. “How does my body paint look?” I questioned and Stiles’ eyes raked over my body, licking his lips a bit, nodding his head.

 “I-It… You looks great,” He breathed out and the song changed, the familiar beat of my favorite song came on: It Won’t Kill Ya by The Chainsmokers. I really wanted to ask him to dance, but chickened out. His hand wrapped around my wrist, leading me towards the spiral staircase as we sat down on the steps.

 Oh, dance with me, it won't kill ya

And one for the road

 I tapped my foot to the beat, watching people dance, seeing Allison and Isaac dance together, along with Kira and Scott. I let out a sigh, glancing to my left, looking at Stiles, his eyes on the dance floor.

 Dance with me, it won't kill ya

And one before you go

 “Um, Stiles?” I asked and he glanced down at me, letting out a hm. I can feel my heart pounding against my chest. “D-Do you wanna dance?” I looked towards the dance floor then back at him as his lips parted, doing the same.

 Dance with me, it won't kill ya

And one for the road

So why won't you stay a little longer?

 “O-Oh, I don’t know,” He started and I bit the inside of my cheek, nodding my head. “I’m not a great dancer,” Stiles muttered, his eyes still on me as I looked away from him. He’s killing my confidence here.

 “E-Excuse me,” I whispered, standing up about to walk away when his fingers gripped onto mine, making me turn around. He stood up, intertwining our fingers, leading me towards the dancing people. I bit my lip, looking at the back of his head and he stopped in the middle of everyone, facing me a small smile on his lips.

 “Even though I’m not a great dancer, I’ll gladly dance with you. Especially to your favorite song.” He took a few steps back and I furrowed my eyebrows, wondering what he’s going to do. He began doing the sprinkler in a weird, hyper way and I busted out laughing, covering my mouth with my hand as I joined him, dancing like fools together.

 You're putting your jacket on

Oh no, is the moment gone?

Don't wanna regret this one

Ooh, I wanna know ya

 He pulled me closer to him, grinning as he finally looked relax. I laid my hands on his biceps, smiling up at him as our foreheads touched, my cheeks heating up, not realizing how close we were. Both of us moved to the beat, his hands on my hips as I shake them side to side. We continued to dance for about a half an hour, my feet ending up getting tired as I took his hand in mine, pulling him back towards the spiral staircase. Stiles sat behind me, his arms wrapped around my waist as I laid against his chest.

 “I’m really glad you invited me, Y/N,” He whispered into my ear, feeling his lips on the side of it. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath as my heart skipped a beat.

 “I’m glad I did too,” I muttered, looking back at him. His eyes connected with mine and started to lean in, our noses brushing together as my eyes fluttered shut, waiting for his lips to connect with mine. Our friends watched from a distance as Stiles closed the gap between us, moving our lips against each others. I rested a hand on his cheek as his hands grip my waist, pulling me closer to him, sitting on one of his legs. He pulled away, his lips parted as I opened my eyes, smiling down at him, running my fingers through his hair. Some of my orange paint was on his lips and I giggled, rubbing my thumb along his bottom lip as his tongue came out, licking his lips a few times.

 “Wanna get out of here?” He asked and I nodded my head, getting off of his lap. Stiles intertwined our fingers as he lead me out of the loft. “If you didn’t get the hint from that kiss, um, I really really like you, Y/N,” Stiles muttered, looking down at me as he leaned onto the back of the jeep. I stood in between his legs, taking both his hands in mine as I smiled.

 “I really like you too, Stiles.” I bit my lip before leaning up, pressing a chaste kiss to his lips as he had the biggest grin on his lips. He leaned down again, meshing our lips together in a sloppy kiss before we got into the jeep, driving to his house.

[user3838626-89-919]

I know your blog is about body positivity and that it's more important than how other people look at you or even how you look at yourself but... you still look really good anyway and how do you do it...? No matter how much I say to myself that I like my body but I can't shop for clothes without feeling bad? I really like cute things I see on here or pinterest but even if I find something that does actually fit well and is affordable I still won't buy it? I don't understand why I'm like this?

hi sweet pea i just want u to know that i absolutely do relate to this and a lot of times i have to really force myself to get dolled up as a form of self care. like some days i really do feel bad like youre describing too!! try not to beat yourself up for experiencing a very human symptom of toxic beauty standards.  

aside from that, what i do to make myself feel like i look good is to go through the actions even if my mind isn’t in the right place.

for example, if i happen to be shopping (not often bc of money but whatevs), i just grab a bunch of stuff, put it all on, and focus on whether the article 1) fits my aesthetic 2) is comfy 3) will either add variety or serve as a staple piece in my wardrobe 4) seems worth the price. i try not to think about whether i personally think it makes me look cute if that makes sense? when its almost objective and im just going  through a checklist like that i find its easier to manage and less likely to backfire and winds up boosting my confidence more in the long run!! 

another example: there are periods of time when i cant really leave the house for lots of reasons, and that lends to hanging out w/ no makeup, real frumpy pajamas, unkept hair, as well as less personal hygiene. while i think its also important to unplug from thinking about personal beauty all the time and it can be very freeing and uplifting to just exist like that, after a long period of time it does really starts to warp my perception of my attractiveness. so again, even if im not going anywhere and no ones going to see me, even if im not feeling cute, i go through the motions. one of the easiest and most effective gesture to feel a bit better is to just wear my cuter pajamas or lounge clothes instead of my more dingy pajamas. or a cute pair of socks. sometimes i will also just do one or more of these things: skincare routine, bubble bath, hair treatment, nail painting, quick makeup, good smelling products, hair styling, shaving, plucking eyebrows, face mask, etc! this wound up being really long but i hope you get my point! im wishing you well on your journey

[mariska]

hey everyone. sorry i’ve been gone for a while. life has been really difficult, more-so than usual and i’ve been struggling to do anything social including posting on most of my social media pages. im hopping on because i need a place to vent and i dont have therapy until next thursday but my moms went up to bed and im trying to fight off a panic attack so if ur bothered by vent posts or whatever i wont take any offense if you scroll past this, i dont really even need anyone to read it i just need a place to vent my thoughts out right now

so things have been really hard for me lately. im still fighting to try an get a diagnosis for being on the autism spectrum (and im trying to find as many reliable sources of information about ‘non-traditional’ autism symptoms as i can so if u happen to have anything saved like that i’d super appreciate it if u sent it my way) and i still havent gotten the full results of my neuro/psych eval yet, but my moms are going to have a private meeting with the woman who tested me on wednesday so im crossing my fingers that goes well. today we decided to go to the local renaissance faire as a family and i found an old dress that i bought at the same faire when i was 10 (that was way too big for me at the time but fits me now) to dress up in and did my makeup and took a shower and was all hopeful about that. it took about two and a half hours to get there because traffic was especially awful today so i was a little stir-crazy from being in the car for so long when we got there but managed to pull myself together. it started off really fun and i was enjoying myself, there were multiple places at the faire that did shows every few mins and i watched some dudes joust and watched another guy who was an expert with whips do cool tricks with that and then happened to stumble upon an acrobatics show, there was like one row of seats (like low to the ground wooden bench type seats) left empty around the area so we sat and watched them. when their show ended i went to leave and one of my moms said we needed to stay in that area because my other mom was getting food for them and a water for me and we would lose her if we left. so we turned around on the bench facing the opposite way of the stage so that we could see her if she walked up. i thought about getting up a few times but kept getting distracted because of my shit adhd brain and also someone asked me to take a pic of their family and i was like ‘ok!’ and did that and then sat back down. so anyways my other mom found us and i was like ‘alright lets get going’ and then they sat back down to eat their food and i was like ok. so we continued sitting the way we were sitting and then like 5 mins later i thought i heard someone talking about us behind me???? like ‘look at them, its the whole row. this never happens anywhere else only in massachusetts’ and i turn around and like two girls are staring directly at me who just walked on the stage i guess???? and i was like ‘oh! i’m sorry, i’m totally oblivious, i didn’t know a new show was starting’ and the one who was talking about me looked at me and was like ‘no its fine its just that its so funny how this only happens here and never when we do shows anywhere else. just think thats weird.’ and then turned away and didnt like....start doing the show they were going to do......just continued to try and drum up an extra audience (and also borrowed some persons apple cider from the audience and drank it? i mean they didnt seem to mind so whatever i guess but. uh?) and like their show hadnt actually even started yet so they were still going to set stuff up. and while they turned away and went to the other side of the stage to continue setting stuff up i scooted closer to one of my moms and told her that i was like kind of mortified and really embarrassed and felt like i did something bad and wrong even though i hadnt meant to and that i felt like i was going to cry. so she removed us from the situation and we walked around for a few minutes and i tried to let it go but i really felt (and still continue to feel to this very minute hours and hours later) like i did something bad and was unintentionally rude and my mom told me that she saw and heard them act like that with the other audience people too and that they had just been trying to joke around with the audience in order to drum up more participation for the show that was coming up and that it seemed like part of how they opened the show, with like, snarky humor or whatever? but then i freaked out more because i hadnt even considered it being a joke? and i still dont get if it was meant to be a joke or not? which is part of why i ended up getting so worked up......i really genuinely thought up until today that i had no problem telling when people are purposefully joking around even if its at my expense because i grew up with a lot of sarcasm (new england is like....Extremely sarcastic all the time) but like......i guess not.......if it was a joke i still dont understand it. anyways i completely was unable to keep it together while we were walking around and tl;dr: burst into tears, became extremely extra flustered and embarrassed that i had burst into tears in a very public environment, managed to wipe my eyes and pull it together enough so that i could properly exit the faire with my moms without anyone asking me why i was sad, then immediately burst into tears again after getting in our car and cried the entire way home.

i just feel so embarrassed and flustered still, as of the time im writing this at almost 10 pm. and i cant stop replaying the scene in my head. and i genuinely dont know if i did something wrong or not or if those girls were just joking and heckling the audience or whatever. i dont understand that concept. i feel a lot of shame. im still trying not to burst into tears at the thought of it. and it makes me feel like i shouldnt even bother trying to do nice things for myself outside of my house because it seems like every time i go somewhere other than the mall i end up misunderstanding a situation with something or someone and end up having a complete emotional breakdown about it for the rest of the day, if not the week. im so frustrated with myself and im so frustrated with the way my brain works and i wish i could just process social interaction the same way as everyone else because the rest of the world seems to think this is not a problem for me!!! for whatever reason! i cant stop thinking about today and every time i think ive forgotten about it the memory replays in my head and i feel my chest seize up and i get a sensation to burst into tears again. even now im scared to post this because im afraid that im just like......taking everything too seriously and i sound unjustified in my reaction which i mean....i guess is true....in a way......i dont know. did i do something bad???? i really feel like i did. and i have no way of resolving this problem if i did. i cant stop overthinking this