#anyway. i cant imagine not going through the first puberty i have

[despite-everything]

honestly i'm glad i waited to start hrt until i was in my 20s. i can't imagine just going through Extended Puberty if i'd started it as a teenager.

[anosci]

Media Thread 2024

im making a list of media ive watched/played/etc this year with brief thoughts. its going to be far less featured than my music list, but still a bit long.

list below the cut

January

1/ Portal Revolution (2024) i went in expecting a very polished set of portal 2 styled test chambers. i was NOT expecting a story that captured my imagination very good experience

2/ The Ancient Magus' Bride (2017) every review i saw for this said it's bad. huh??. sure it's not perfect but i quite enjoyed it. a bit soft, a bit atmospheric, a bit girly. amazing job actually drawing me into a british fantasy setting.

3/ Violet Evergarden (2018) at worst, it feels a bit like its on rails, maybe eager to lose focus. but overall i rather enjoyed the story of the most traumatized girl in the world slowly learn to be human. idk if its "65th best anime ever" good, but… a lovely ride!

February

4/ Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit (2010) i heard this was somewhere between nfsmw 2005 (which i love) and burnout paradise (which i just Couldn't get into). i heard correctly. i fell in love with this. with the semi-open world. the daynight cycle and weather. and with drifting somehow! (but mostly weaving through traffic.) captivated. also worth mentioning: the cop mode was an interesting variation in gameplay. not my fav, but good.

March

5/ Titanfall 2 (2016) finally playing this and.. yeah I see why ppl were comparing it to HL2. I'm more "nodding along with this assessment" than feeling it, tho… idk. it's good but it doesn't resonate with me. the movement, though! that slaps! is this… schmoovement?

6/ Need for Speed: Heat (2019)

this was hard to get into, specifically because the pacing was just kinda... wack(?) for me anyway. plus a lot of other small little spots of friction. but it was never enough to turn me away (mw2012, burnout paradise)

by the end of the "storyline" races, i found myself having a good time. maybe a mixed bag, but well worth the 3 dollars or w/e it was.

April

May

7/ Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai (2018)

a damn good bait and switch. i feel the focus got a bit wobbly in the middle, but i found myself enjoying the overarching exploration of Puberty Syndrome nonetheless. i do not like tsundere but this was played honestly enough that i evaded cringing. the show is an interesting web of relationships centered around a bit of a straight shooter. i think it worked nicely, though i fear it wasn't focused enough to truly stick with me. i cant help but imagine a heavily trimmed version with just the first and final arc. that would've blown some socks.

8/ Rascal Does Not Dream of a Dreaming Girl (2019)

yeah the show was good enough that i watched the movie immediately after. (im not as interested in the 2nd movie tho.) i feel like i chugged a pint of stupid juice before watching this but i still followed the key plot points i think. is madoka genre? there's something satisfying about this explanation of the loose anime thread, though i think this might've worked better as The Anime (RE: trimming etc). a bit of kudos for giving some weight to "it was all just a dream"

9/ Kaguya-sama: Love is War (2019) this show is at its best when it's needlessly dramatic and convoluted. sometimes, it's brilliant. but, sadly, it also wants to stay in the episodic high school romcom genre, complete with serious pining. maybe that part's ok but it's surely not for me. i do not trust this to stay fresh for 3(?????) seasons.

June

10/ Dungeon Meshi (2024) i have the opposite of a soft spot for high fantasy stuff. hate it. this reeks of it. and yet, whenever im watching it, i am FULLY drawn into the world with a sense of wonder and anticipation. there were so many characters and all of them were delightful. my only real complaints were that, especially towards the end, the pacing was wack. feels like they chopped it to bits for the anime... and for what? a つづく? man... ill probably actually grab the manga.

July

11/ Hitoribocchi no OO Seikatsu (2019) it's cute before it's anything else. i was drawn in by a very relatable protagonist that literally has a panic attack first episode, but… that didn't last. I got 3 episodes in before deciding that the show isn't for me. the person that this show is for, though, i think is in for a treat. nako is alright.

12/ Ride Your Wave (2019)

very…. summer. maybe a little too bright for me (not literally but. vibe. ily.) i somehow missed the "supernatural" tag and wasn't sure how grounded to be, which was fun lol everything is connected in a satisfying way, but something didn't quite click for me. not sure what it was. or wasn't. i'd still call it a good watch

13/ Weathering with You (2019)

I saw a review of this that went as follows: "discout kimi no na wa". that's… almost right, but really reductive. it didn't hit as hard for me, but carried an atmosphere all of its own. i think its biggest weakness was deploying the damsel in distress trope for the climax. absolutely throwing away a lot of character development... second weakness was not leaning into the supernatural angle, but I also think that's 100% a matter of taste. I think the two could have been solved in one stone, but meh... aside from that: vibes were off the charts, and the art direction wall to wall great. every frame a painting etc

August

14/ Mother 3 (2006)

for the first time since November 2008 (apparently), I decided to revisit Mother 3.... via Lauren the Flute's Let's Play. I remember way back then that I thought M3 was a little weaker than EB for me. Revisiting it has solidified that opinion for me: It's super strong at some parts and really weak at others, to my taste at least. For the most part, everything I remembered as "my fav bits" from 16 years ago are my favorite bits today. To comment on Lauren's playthrough specifically: at glance, she seemed to be the most emotionally invested. and. yeah! It wasn't the best stream setup, but it was the most resonant. another LP of hers may appear here lol

September

October

15/ Beastars (2019)

Furry anime? "Yes", but the nontherian kind. Zootopia ass. This immediately had me suspicious from episode 1. But then, I kept trying to see if I was wrong. and the show kept delivering some fascinating symbols! the hype was back! and then it threw all of that away. "you were reading it backwards the whole time dumbass". augh. if I hadn't done that, I think it'd be an ok watch. what kills me is that some of the plot threads here would make an INCREDIBLE anime. but they withered away from a lack of focus as some really annoying threads were added instead. also the icky biological essentialism. what a terrible aftertaste. :(

props for having (half of) a really good sex scene though i guess? I was kinda impressed.

16/ Keep Your Hands off Eizouken! (2020)

what a delightful nod to not just the art of animation, but the practice of it. the shitty parts. the deadlines. the overworking. said with reverance!

each of the characters were interesting foils for each other, though to varying degrees. Kanamori became my favorite. she took the role of manager, a role thats somewhat antagonistic usually. yet in here she looked like a badass mob boss, fighting for the creatives, brandishing huge clever strength.

lovely show!

November

17/ BNA (2020)

it is ASTOUNDING how much more I enjoyed this than Beastars. I can't help but make the comparison since they're kind of companion shows: 2020 furry anime. but. god damn.

treating beastmen (furries) as a separate class, like humans with "superpowers", did wonders for the plot.

I think both BNA and Beastars tried to show a rigid system of thinking and say "it doesn't have to be this way. tear down the barriers.", but BNA actually pulled it off. the bad guy became a Big Bad obsessed with racial (species-ial?) purity, whos downfall was literally in mixing blood.

what im saying is BNA is the pro-choice + antifa version of Beastars.

watching this was fun because it was well structured. i picked up plot elements from their foreshadowing. fun! animation great. idk. all around good time, even if i dont think itll stick with me. fun watch!

18/ Haibane Renmei (2002)

I had an itch to revisit this again. it's a flawed masterpiece. and the flaws are all petty things. budgetary stuff. i wish the soundtrack were longer and the shots larger and the folly higher quality. as-is it feels like peering through a foggy window into a beautiful garden.

but MAN it's a good damn garden.

the finale is a bit too "hardcore action" than it needs to be but every other aspect is just. a delight.

i realized this time that my initial reaction to the show was probably heavily influenced by these surface level complaints. "i wish the soundtrack were less orchestral" i probably said at the time. but now i think it should've been more. i can't imagine it veering too far away from what it has. mushishi has its sound and haibane has this sound. iykyk

19/ Charge!! Cromartie High School (The Movie) (2005)

the live action adaptation of the manga, on kenny lauderdale's rec. it's very...... low budget and 2005-core. but despite that, it does a great job at being CLEAR with its delivery of jokes and information. clear hilights for me: the hijacker scene (until the ***ism) and the "getting the team back together by walking towards the camera" scene. also the drugs scene lmao.

there were quite a few jokes and gags that misfired or just didnt work at all, but that might be to-be-expected for a film like this. a fun watch as a fan of the source material, but only just.

20/ Arcane S2 (2024)

holy shit this is drop dead gorgeous 110% of the time. every frame a god damn painting.

the plot felt like A LOT of threads that weave in and out of each other. just when everything feels like it's starting to resolve nicely, a thread you forgot about barges in and undoes everything. rinse and repeat. it's fun actually.

very underwhelmed with the ending but w/e. a nice watch

December

21/

[sarah-sandwich-writes]

Hey there! I absolutely LOVE your fics, they’re incredible and I cannot wait for lemon boy!!! I was wondering if you have any tips for feeling confident in your writing, recently I feel like I’m critical and overthink every word :/ I cant help but compare my ideas and writing to other people, thinking that they would be able to do it better than me so there’s no point. I know I love writing, but I’m scared it will become a chore or something I’m afraid of.

Thank you so much!!! I feel you so hard. I get overly critical too (currently clawing tearing biting my way out of feeling like that actually aha), but I think we all do and it's an unavoidable cycle that all creative types have to go through.

A long time ago I saw a thing going around talking about how all creatives go through periods where their ability to create doesn't live up to their standards, their tastes. When you start, your standards are low and your abilities are even lower and as you continue creating you get better and the two start to align and you're like, I Am A God, but then you continue to create, you continue to learn, you grow and change, your standards elevate and, eventually, outpace your creative ability.

It sucks. It's demoralizing. You felt so good about your work but now all you see are the flaws. You only see all of the ways it doesn't measure up to what others are doing or what you expect from yourself and there are so many ways it doesn't measure up. Speaking from personal experience here (。_。)

But if you keep creating and you keep creating and you keep creating, your ability will catch up to your standards again.

I promise you're not worse than you used to be, just like I'm not worse than I used to be. You're going through creative puberty again and again, over and over so long as you continue to create amen. Right now you're all lanky limbs and too-big front teeth, but you'll grow into them so long as you continue to create.

I can't tell you how to be confident in your writing. But I can tell you to write what excites you. Write things that capture your imagination even when you're not at the keyboard, things that haunt you throughout your day until you get the chance to scribble them down so you don't forget. Write what you will go back and read even if you don't think you did a very good job writing it. Write something that you can look at and say, "Yeah, it's not very good but I love it anyway." Write something that is so in-line with your heart, your humor, your sense of right that you forgive the mistakes, you forgive all of the ways it doesn't measure up to your standards.

I can't tell you that writing won't become a chore. It might. It did for me. I was afraid too and that led to me pushing too hard and holding on too tight until I was burnt out. But I can tell you that when that happened it wasn't forever. I didn't write for a year and a half and during that time I didn't miss it, until I did. I learned that I could stop, fully 100% walk away, and it would still be there waiting for me the moment I was ready to start again. I learned there is so much joy in starting again. I learned that I love to write, even when it's scary, even when it's hard, even when I don't think I'm any good at it. I'm not afraid anymore.

Keep writing. Write for yourself. Write things that, yeah, maybe Stephen King or whoeverthefuck could write it better than you. But will he? First of all, when would he find the time? How will you ever get to read this wonderful thing that's living in your head if you aren't the one to put in the work and write it down?

I don't think good writers are born from people who want to do a good job writing. I think good writers are born from people who want something and no one has produced it exactly the way they see it in their head. They're people who have shoes they want to walk in down roads untraveled in worlds undiscovered. Or maybe the road is travel worn, familiar, and really rather crowded actually, but no one has walked it wearing this extremely silly hat that I made all by myself.

[moonscarsandstars]

im having feels about alphard and i’ve never done one of these things so bear with me and also im way too sleepy but let’s not go there.

basically atticus 2.0

okay so let’s start off with etymology

the name ‘alphard’ is of course a star, because the Black family have an aesthetic to keep

but it’s the brightest star in the hydra constellation

you know who else was the brightest star in a constellation?

thats right, our one and only, sirius black!

his name also roots from arabic, which is pretty fucking metal for someone coming from a racist™ family

it derives from the word  “Al Fard“ which means ‘solitary one’

for some reason im getting victorian era widow living in windy hills writing poetry about her former lover but okay

but the correlation of astronomy and etymology between alphard and sirius has gotten me super hyped up on their relationship

of course uncle alphard was the cool™ uncle, but what if he was so much more?

what if he was the one who kinda brought sirius out of his shell?

because i cant imagine that living with the Blacks with such a fiery, rebellious personality would make for an encouraging childhood

so if sirius was this little kid, with so much pent up anger and suppressed personality

who was that small light in sirius’s life? like the one person who truly allowed sirius to be himself?

my old man, alphard

also for some reason, i get the vibe that he was really into either rifle shooting or archery

something muggle related that walburga didn’t want her kids near

but both reg and sirius was super curious, and absolutely loved it because it’s really the only muggle thing they’ve ever seen

and so every summer when the kids went and stayed with him

he’d show them his collection of rifles that he’d collected

and he’d tell stories of buying them from muggles and learning it with those wooden target dudes

and sirius and reg would just look up to him in awe because he talks to muggles!

oh and what if alphard, our old school rebel sometimes took them to muggle london?

imagine this: young sirius and reg wandering through 70s muggle london with this smart, friendly but also intimidating young man

and they’re just so excited, but they try to keep quiet because they were raised to sit still look pretty 

i hate their parents ugh

anyway so sirius finally snaps when he sees a popcorn maker

and for the first time alphard’s ever seen, one of walburga’s kids smiles

sirius points enthusiastically at the popcorn maker blurting out questions at the speed of light

until regulus tells him to keep quiet

sirius suddenly realises his outburst, and is filled with fear

because oh god, he loved uncle alphard, and the last thing he wanted was for his uncle to be mad

but then to his surprise

alphard just chuckles and smiles at him

his expression turns concerned when he sees the near tears in sirius’s eyes

“what’s wrong?” he asks in that gentle tone- that no one could expect from such a burly man

“i’m sorry,” stuttered out a five year old sirius, trying to keep tears in

“don’t be sorry! you were excited, there’s nothing wrong in having fun, is there?”

and this is the first time sirius has ever heard such a thing

so he looks up at alphard in confusion

alphard gives him that sweet, encouraging smile

and sirius hugs him like anything, holding on tightly and letting tears stain his robe

uncle alphard is actually the first person sirius had ever hugged

the only one he’d ever hugged until third year in hogwarts, when him and james had that conversation

back to alphard

these meetings to muggle london would be secret, and neither of them would tell their mother

regulus of course had his suspicions, and felt bad about hiding it from his mother

but in the end he loved fish and chips too much to give it up

especially when they had ice lollies while at the river or seaside

alphard and sirius had an even closer relationship once sirius was sorted into gryffindor

of course, he got the hateful and toxic letter from his parents

but a little while later

he also got one from alphard, which probably made him cry more than walburga

firstly because now uncle alphard would hate him!

but secondly because alphard was the only letter for a long time that’d encouraged him, and told him that he was still loved

and sirius just couldnt believe it

he couldnt believe that he had such an amazing uncle, who even loved him after he disappointed the family

and they corresponded a lot more than walburga knew

much more than walburga wanted them to

“because he’s a bad influence, mixing in with the wrong sort. don’t follow his ideas, they’re wrong”

it was also around then that sirius started questioning his own bigoted beliefs

and he started talking to uncle alphard about them

uncle alphard, being the atticus he was, guided sirius to the right path

(something that walburga would never know of)

also helping sirius make friends, because sirius was so lonely

fast forward to third year

puberty hits sirius like a fucking snake with angel wings on steroids

(dont question my similes)

so sirius starts getting crushes

but here’s the thing- he doesnt have crushes on girls

why not?

marlene was pretty, so was alice and emmeline

so why didnt he want to snog them senseless like james peter, and the rest of the boys did?

he sends letters to uncle alphard, who tells him not to worry

because as all, it doesn’t happen to everyone, and sometimes it takes a little longer for some people

it was also worth mentioning that he wanted to grow closer to fabian prewett

he didnt know why, but he probably wanted to hang out more often with fabian

and so he does

he hangs out much more with fabian, and finds that fabian wants to hang more with him

and that makes him happy

so one late night, both of them were staring at the stars, stolen drinks in hand

(they were at the age that firewhisky tasted disgusting, but an lightly alcoholic butterbeer or gillywater wasn’t bad)

so here they are

and neither of them knows who started it

but suddenly they were snogging each other senselessly

and sirius knew deep down it was wrong, but he just didnt want to stop

because there was this feeling growing inside him- this warm feeling that just made all the rules broken worth it

the next day, however, they both wake up in all sobrierity

and the horror of what they did hits them both like a brick

both of them run away from each other as fast as they can, fabian running to the kitchens and sirius running to the common room

what’s the first thing he does?

he writes to uncle alphard

because uncle alphard would know what to do. uncle alphard would know how to fix this

uncle alphard’s reply was like a punch in the gut for sirius

there wasnt a way to fix it

but there was more

sirius wasn’t broken

sirius wasn’t broken

sirius wasn’t broken

and though there was a hidden part of him screaming in his motehr’s voice

he knew that if alphard said he wasn’t broken, then he really wasn’t

and it was that moment that sirius felt it the most

not when he was sorted, not when andromeda patted him on the back

it was now that he felt accepted

[sup4l3e]

I’m Crazy...

I’m insane...

I've lost the plot..

I'm hopeless..

I'm worthless..

I'm unloveable..

I'm pathetic..

I'm weird..

I'm strange..

I'm not okay...

I'm a psycho... (ok this one for me might be true... question it, go on try it! i dare you! ;0 lol)

BUT...

I AM!!!

Those are just some of the things my own mind tells me on a daily basis ... yes here it comes a blog about anxiety and depression... omg!! i know right the cliche of it all. like who hasnt written a blog about depression before ...

oh woe is me! am i right?

well... thats where you're wrong!

(before i start i want no sympathy im not writing this for the "aww's" and the "bless her" comments, i dont want sympathy or empathy ... this is simply because ive experienced and lived with depression for about 14 years and if i can help one person feel better about themselves by reading this or help someone realise that they are not alone then, well, i can rest easy tonight. If anything i want to empower people)

I lived for so many years in the dark, keeping all of this too myself and you know what it did? absolutely sweet FA apart from making me so much worse, it gave ammunition to those little voices, telling me all of the above, making them win!

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago that talking about my experiences and how im feeling would help.

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago how many other people around me were going through the EXACT same thing.

Two and a half years ago i was a completely different person, i was sheltered, i was in a very toxic relationship ... with myself. Most people would disagree, they'd say i was actually in a toxic relationship with my ex partner; but i cant blame him. Dont get me wrong he was toxic and looking back i was lucky to get out when i did, however i am also grateful too him, because he showed me exactly what i dont want in my life. and being fair to him i'd lived with my own toxicity in my mind for a good 10 years before him, so god forbid i'd give him the satisfaction of all that praise coz by god did i do a damned good number on myself without any of his help. ;)

In all honestly though, i do blame myself and my own mind, because 2 and a half years ago those little voices in my own head were the only thing i was listening to, they were winning. I wasnt listening to my family who were worried sick about me, who were practically begging me to tell them what was going on in my head, who i shut out, ignored and pushed away because i couldnt cope and you know what? they didnt deserve that at all. i live everyday regretting that i put them through that, So i now live everyday hoping to make them proud of me and live each and everyday with a promise. I do however live every day regretting that i didnt let them in earlier because if i had of i wouldnt have gone through the hell i did and i wouldnt have genuinely believed "this is what i deserve" "no-one else will love you" "no-one else wants you" "no-one cares"... i wouldnt have had too live a LIE.

The lie was people did love me, i just couldnt see it, people did care about me, i just wouldnt hear it, i needed their help, i just wouldnt speak it; because at that point in time my own mind was telling me that i didnt deserve any of that, and that nobody would ever want to do that for me. So i found sactuary in a toxic person who in the long run made me the strong person i am today because if it werent for him i'd never have the confidence in myself knowing what i overcame, and if it werent for him i wouldnt have seen my family and loved ones take charge and say "Leanne enough is enough" .. they gave me the metaphorical slap across the face i damned well needed and brought me back to reality, they categorically wouldnt allow that behaviour to carry on anymore and for that i will forever be grateful!

i made a promise to them that day that i would always tell them when i was getting low again and i made a promise to myself that day that i would keep them in the forefront of my mind in all of my decisions and i would also promise to try and help anyone else who was ever in the same position i was in.

depression is a funny old thing, everyone will experience some form of depression throughout their life, some people are genetically wired to experience it, some people will experience it from a young age, some dont experience it until very late on in life, some experience it from sad/happy/overwhelming life events, some unlucky souls just never find happiness. but no matter what EVERYONE will, at somepoint experience depression. in this blog im going to try and explain how i've learned to manage and cope with mine.

A bit of a backstory of my depression, it started around the age of 14-15, my depression. I dont know where it came from but it was right around the time of my GCSE's, college, boys, hormones, and being diagnosed with PCOS (for those of you who dont know what that is its Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) i was told at a young age of 14 that i had some sort of syndrome which "would only matter when i got older", and that i had some of the prettiest ovaries the sonographer and gyneacologist had ever seen... in hindsight that wasnt going to be the compliment i first thought it was or the dismissive statement they portrayed it and brushed it off as, at all! THAT diagnosis changed alot of my life, however i will get back to that.

As most teens do around here I started studying for my GCSE's at just 15 years old. i was so stressed out i started actually hearing a screaming voice in my head. i suffered panic attacks daily, sometimes a few attacks a day, and that is where my anxiety started and then, good old depression smashed me in the face. i found the more stressed i became, the more id hear that screaming inside my head which then lead me to thinking " holy fucking shitballs im hearing voices im actually insane" therefore leading to more anxiety and panic attacks. so much so i would come home exhausted at 4pm everyday crawl into my pyjamas and climb into bed ready to do it all again the following day. (dont get me wrong i sat most nights on msn using the latest flashing emojis for EACH and EVERY letter of the alphabet, to the point it looked more like hyroglyphics and obviously getting the colours just right with the codes to make your name and status show in a rainbow. but that was all done in pj's curled up in bed because i couldnt manage much else ... however, if my mam asks i was revising and doing my homework THE. WHOLE. TIME, not talking to my friends about how hot a certain crush's bum looked that day ha! am i right! :P xoxo)

This was all a massive thing for me to go through aswell, due to the fact my dad has mental health issues and lives with schizophrenia, so, naturally at this point, you can imagine i was picturing myself in padlocked straight jackets and padded cells, talking away to the screaming voice in my head. the funniest thing was this screaming voice wasnt saying anything nasty or bad it was just my thoughts screaming at me like everything was angry, so genuinely just everyday life thoughts but those screaming at me, like, imagine thinking "leanne dont forget to pack your PE kit" but in the voice of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket... it. was. TERRIFYING!

Anyways, so yes high school was a massive contributor, then i made the choice to leave college at 17 because i, like many others, didnt have the faintest clue what i wanted to be when i grew up (little did i know id live the life of peter pan and neverland would be my sesh house OIOI!!!) In leaving college i went into full time work, as a 'temp job' until i decided what i was going to do... unfortunately, 8 and a half years later i was still their prisoner! haha, Nah, dont get me wrong i met some absolutely amazing people in that job and i did love it but i knew at the end, if i didnt get out it was going to kill me off. I'd gotten to the point in that job that i cried myself to sleep knowing i had to go back in the next day. that place contributed alot to my depression not because it was a bad job but because id made a wrong decision and was stuck there. i had to leave.

my next massive contributor, and this is where i divulge some of my REAL heartbreaks. PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or what i like to call Poly fucking Cystic fucking Ovary fucking Syndrome or "lets just fuck shit up!" (no im not bitter about it at all lol) because of this shit, from the very young age of 14 (like puberty isnt hard enough - spots, hair in places you never wanted boobs growing overnight, bleeding once a month being the biggest inconvenience) i have also had to deal with weight issues, hersuitism, depression, anxiety, hormones that sent me bat shit crazy, pain, headaches, fatigue, you name it i had it. but the biggest heartbreak, being told that id always have difficulty concieving and carrying a child. Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, knows i have always wanted to be a mam. (and not the sesh mam who looks after all my drunken idiotic friends on a night out ... coz i swear thats all they ever think i do lol) I mean a real mam, to a real baby. and being told at a young age that i had the prettiest ovaries the gyneacologist had ever seen wasnt the compliment i thought it was because it turned out my ovaries were absolutely covered in cysts. And for years i have tried to have a baby but alas nothing ever happens. i've had a few close calls and ive miscarried, or at least i think i did, the test came back positive but then about 3 days after that pretty pink second line, i had the heaviest period i had ever had for around 4 hours and then my body went back to normal as if nothing happened. it broke my heart.

They say the human body is delicate and intricate and should be treated with respect... i say its a machine and its a absolute twat at times, and why should i respect what in essence has caused me heartbreak from a young age FOR NO FUCKING REASON. but hey ho... life. goes. on.

so... thats my life story or just a snippet of it. and some of the reasons why i have depression.

heres how i cope...

Well, for a long time.. and i mean a VERY LONG time i didnt. i hid it, i hid away from the world. i drank alot. i avoided family, i avoided my best friends, i avoided anything that would have brought me back to reality.

For a long time though, thats what i needed. now im not saying running away from your issues is easy and thats what you should do because its definitely not. im saying i NEEDED to do it at the time because i had no other way of coping and i NEEDED too to learn what not to do in the future. So masking, for me, was better than facing things 'alone'. In that time though, i made my issues alot worse and in fact caused more issues. it hurt my family, my friends and well hurt myself too, because in the long run i still had to sober up and i still had to deal with the same issues that got me down in the first place, i ended up in debt which contributed further too my issues. I did some very silly things which when i look back on them now i could have hurt so many people. i took an overdose of painkillers at one point around 2 and a half years ago. I felt so weak i saw no other outcome but instantly regretted doing it and made myself sick so that they came back up. i've told my mother and close friends about this previously but i think to really show how much i've learned and to reach out to anyone who is feeling the same way i did, to tell them IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER AND EASIER. i think saying that, shows my honesty throughout this post and allows for my experience and honesty really show that i want to help anyone going through the same thing.

Masking just makes the pain go away for a short period of time. learning from your pain and making it your strength is how you really overcome your own mind and depression.

It wasnt until i realised i was never alone, just how selfish and stupid id been all that time, because in masking, hiding and running away, id stupidly stopped myself from a faster recovery, less heartache, less pain and mental and physical torture. and really i stopped myself from helping others in the same position as me.

it wasnt until i learned to make my pain my strength that i truly found peace in who i am.

i still have days where those voices wont shut up, and they win and thats ok.

i still have days where i cannot climb out of bed and thats ok.

i still have days where i cry and the pain is too much and thats ok.

because i learned all of it really is ok! everyone has those same thoughts the same feelings the same illnesses. and i know that tomorrow WILL be a better day.

you just need to learn how to make it and own it as your own!

nothing has changed for me, all of those things are still true they're still real, my body hasnt miraculously healed itself, i still made poor life choices, it hasnt changed my hormonal imbalances but it has changed my mindset. it has changed my life. i made a choice to change my mindset and not let it beat me i decided to let people in. my family are my guardian angels because they never gave up on me, they dragged it out of me and frogmarched me to the doctors for the help i needed but some people dont have that support in their lives.

i'm lucky enough now, to have lived with this for long enough to know my signs, and when i know what i call, "going dark" is coming. basically when i start slipping and losing control of it again, i identify it and know how to manage it head on. unfortunately my body because of the stupid "intricate machine" i have and how broken it is (believe me the day i can swap out into an AI robot body imma sign straight up for that shit imma have me a body like Jennifer Anniston) my body however tends to go into a meltdown, i end up with more migraines, pain and infections. i also get extremely tired to the point i can sleep for a good 15-20 hours a day and thats not me being lazy (although if sleeping were an olympic sport i'd be the universal champion of it BED=LIFE) thats really me needing to reset. at that point in time when i know this is coming, thats when i reach out; i tell my friends and my family "I'm not okay" because i know now i can do that, i can talk to them.

i, personally, take medication daily, and for some reason we live in a society where people are actually shamed for doing so. i know if i dont take those 2 little tablets every day i will lose control and become a shell of who i really am. my seratonin levels drop and i practically become a robot barely functioning. so why should i be ashamed of those 2 little 'happy pills' which make me the person i want to be and know i truly am! no chemical imbalance is going to get the better of me! if i can have the help, im damned sure going to take it. along with the happy pills, aswell as alot of sleep, sunbeds, spending time with family and friends whenever i possibly can, i now have a job that i love, i also retrained as a beautician, and i love going to the gym and swimming whenever i can, ive found i can manage mine alot better. one thing that massively changed my life was limitting when i drink. i rarely go out drinking anymore and the reason is because i know deep down i will end up in a very low state afterwards. alcohol is a depressant and i wont allow that kind of thing to get me down. so now instead i choose to drink once a month if not less. i havent cut out the drink completely i just know if i want to get blinding drunk i need to be in a very happy place to do so. so i am careful where i drink, who i drink with and what i do whilst im drinking and unfortunately much to my neighbours disgust that tends to be in the house whilst singing along to whitney houston or disney songs at the top of my lungs, but thats how i know i'll not plummet the day after, and lets face it anyone whose heard me singing knows whitney had nothing on me ;)

In all seriousness though, the best advice i can give anyone living with depression is talk to someone, talk to your family, talk to your neighbour, talk to your friends, talk to your doctor, talk to your dog, your cat, the postman, the man on the bus who sits oddly close too you... just talk to anyone. tell them how you are feeling tell them your experiences. tell them what is getting to you. Find someone who you can trust, find a stranger. write it all down in a blog. video it. GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST! SAY IT OUT LOUD! Just. Bloody. Talk! please!

everyones experiences with depression are different some people mask it, some people show it, some people (like me now) shout it from the fucking rooftops because im not afraid of my emotions anymore.

everyones ways of coping are different too, some people find the gym helps, some rely on medication, some rely on talking therapies... there are so many different ways of coping out there now... the only way that doesnt work is not admitting something is wrong and fighting your own mind without help, knowing something isnt right but still doing nothing about it. The only way of not coping is living a lie, you dont have to do this alone!

Basically do those things just for you, the ones you've always wanted to do! get that tattoo you wanted, quit your job, retrain, change your hair colour, buy that car, buy that dog, book that holiday.

do what makes YOU happy!

live for you and open up, people would rather know how you are feeling than see you struggle or ultimately not be here.

open up you never know someone might be feeling the exact same way you are and it could bring you closer.

but remember most importantly:

You ARE NOT Alone..

You ARE NOT Crazy..

You ARE NOT insane..

You HAVE NOT lost the plot..

You ARE NOT hopeless..

You ARE NOT worthless..

You ARE NOT unloveable..

You ARE NOT pathetic..

You ARE NOT weird..

You ARE NOT a psycho..

You ARE NOT strange..

And..

You ARE okay...

You ARE Beautiful..

You ARE Worth it..

YOU ARE Loved

i hope this helps...

thank you ☺

[weissfai-blog1]

Best Wishes to You.

Ae Pete Childhood Friend AU I just realized, why does all my fics contain scary, torment and full of heartache plots? I wanna see the darkness inside me? Hmmm.  

Ae and Pete grew up together. Both of their mothers are friends from high school, though the difference was that Ae’s mother is not from a rich family, while Putch came from a very well known family. But that doesn’t stop the friendship of the two that extends towards their sons Ae and Pete. 

The mansion of Putch is just right beside the 4 storey building house of her friend. 

When both mother’s got pregnant, they tease each other that their two babies should be married so that they can be a real family. 

Ae was born months earlier than Pete.  

Ae become the protector of the shy, clumsy and often teased Pete, cause Ae doesn’t like it when Pete cried. When they were kids, he once fought with Pete that end up into the later crying – his chubby cheeks so red and his eyes are shimmering with tears – he felt his heart break and vow that he will never let Pete cry again even if he finds a crying Pete super cute. 

Whoever makes Pete cry will answer to Ae’s fist and kick. No mercy whether it be a girl or a boy. That continued till their high school. 

Ai Koon Chai is the word of endearment of Ae to Pete that started when both of them are only 7 years old. 

Pete seems so delicate and unlike him who often has bruises here and there. 

Ae’s mother will often knock his head when he forces Pete to play outside and making the young master dirty all over his white shirt. Pete will then cry and tell his mother, ‘Please MaeMae don’t hurt my Ae. Don’t hurt his head, he might turn into an idiot.’ When Ae heard that, it was his turn to knock Pete’s head, Pete will massage his head while Ae was getting his 3rd knock from his Mother for hitting Pete. 

Putch will only laugh when Pete will arrive dirty with mud and grass on his clothes. Par Jiew will laugh along and fix the young master before the master of the house arrives. 

When Pete at the age of 9 was inside the mansion learning English and other complicated stuff, Ae was outside playing football with his friends, getting yelled at by his mother, getting into fights with other kids, racing his bicycle with the other kids. But he never forgets to come back exactly 5pm caused that means Pete can play with him.

Pete will cry when he will see Ae with a bruise or a scratch and sometimes blood on his knees and elbows, Pete have perfected the art of taking care of Ae in that department. There’s always a first aid kit inside his room or bandage, gauze and ointment inside his bag.

Ae hates Pete’s dad for breaking Pete & Mae Putch heart when he abandons them. From then on Ae swore that Pete will never feel abandon nor will he ever feel that he is not needed.

Ae often spend the night at Pete’s room and this is their usual ritual:

Ae and Pete will talk about anyone in their school

Pete will laugh non-stop because Ae apparently gain a nosy friend in the form of Pond who Pete thinks is so funny (though Ae will never let Pond near Pete cause he knew how perverted that jackass was – their first meeting was him saving Pond from their teacher when the later drops his porn mag)

Pete will read while Ae will watch the latest football match on Pete’s large TV

Pete will beg Ae to help him with his math problems

Ae will be so prideful to let Pete help him with his English but a puppy pouting Pete will have his way and teach him anyway

Pete and him will play video games and when Ae sees that Pete was about to cry for his lost for the nth time, he will lose on purpose to put a smile on Pete’s face

They will sleep together holding hands

Pete slowly grew taller than Ae and become such a fine Koon Chai. Ae doesn’t know or get why he felt a sudden shortness of breathe or that he is having a weird heart palpitation whenever Pete is near.

He knew Pete to be cute and pretty, much prettier than any girl he knew. Not even their prettiest girl in school can compete with Pete’s look. But he was amazed when Pete hit that stage of puberty. He looks so much delicate than before, milk skin that seems to bruise with a slight touch. Brownish hair that’s so soft. Long eyelashes that covers those sweet looking doe eyes. And what made him question himself more are those pink lips. Why does he feel the urge to just – well – just cover it with his own lips?

Some of their friends teases Ae that Pete is now much taller than him but Ae only grins and show them his fist with words: ‘Yeah he is tall. But I can still beat the crap out on all of you.’

Ae and Pete are still together but not the same as before where they are joined by the hips. Ae focuses more on his football club and Pete focuses more on his studies to help his mother.

It was their last year in high school and both decided to attend the same university, though Pete going to International College while Ae will go to Engineering (Civil Engineering Degree) as he is more familiar with STEM than any other.

Pete went to Ae’s classroom to ask him if they will return home together when he opens the door a girl was confessing to Ae.

‘I’m sorry!’ Pete shouted  and close the door with a bang. ‘Ai Pete!’ Ae shouted to the running Pete. Ae was not able to run after Pete as the girl grabs him and asked again, ‘Please go out with me!’

Ae did answer and the girl cries.

Ae runs and he was told by Par Jiew that Pete went to the hotel with his mother.

It took 2 weeks before Ae and Pete saw each other again and Ae was confused as to why Pete’s face is smiling yet his eyes is so sad.

He felt hurt and wanted to know why. He doesn’t like that Pete is keeping something from him.

Pete only shook his head and told him, ‘You’re imagining things Ae. I’m okay. I must be just tired cause I took internship with my Mom.’

‘Are you going to work over the weekends?’

‘Yes Ae. And also the whole summer. We both passed the entrance exam so now I’ll help Mae and learn more about the hotel.’

Ae nodded and looks at Pete. Pete is saying something that’s slowly breaking his heart. He wont be able to see Pete and spend time with him.

‘How about you Ae? How are you and your girlfriend?’

‘MY WHAT?!’

‘Eh. But Ai Pond and the others, even Ai Sun and Ai Dear are teasing you about her right? I heard that she keeps on following you and even manage to be the manager of the football club. She’s so dedicated to you na.’

‘Pete. She is not my girlfriend and will never be.’

‘Why Ae? She looks cute.’

Ae looks at Pete. ‘Do you really want me to have a girlfriend?’

Pete smiles and says, ‘Yes. So that maybe you wont be so grouchy like a beast.’

Ae looks at Pete and laughs and ruffle his hair. Ae then suddenly hugs Pete and put his chin on Pete’s head. ‘I miss you Pete. If you have time to visit me, visit me please. Its so lonely without you by my side.’

Pete wanted to caress the arms that holds him but restrain himself.

He just nodded and smiles sadly.

They are now in college and Ae joins the football club there. Pete on the other hand is bombarded with activities and events for the InterCollege.

He was surprised to see Tin there.

Tin and him are mutual friends through their parent’s social status. Tin told him that he came back from England and is now studying the same course as Pete.

Both are friends in a unconventional way, as Tin considers Pete as his only friend and he will often said to Pete, ‘You are so privileged to have me as you friend.’ In which Pete will only laugh.

Nobody knows this but Tin may be cold and super rude to others, but he has a kind heart. He just doesn’t trust anyone especially when they get to know his family name.

Tin was taught by his idiot elder brother about life early on. Not to trust easily and not to give your heart just to anyone.

Pete is happy that Tin is here now, though he have forgotten to introduce Tin to Ae.

Ae and him still eats breakfast together but something happen after their 2 months in college.

Ae got himself a girlfriend. Pond, Dear, Sun, Oat, Ping and Bow are all surprised with the news and all look at Pete who was smiling and cheering his special friend. ‘Congratulations! What’s her name again?’

‘Yihwa. She’s a nurse student.’ Ae said with a forced smile on his face.

The whole gang asked so many questions and teases Ae so much but it was Pond and Sun who back away a little and side by side went to Pete.

‘Pete… are you okay?’ Pond asked, sure he is nosy and an asshole to some, but he cares so much about Pete too. Pete is the most gentle creature he had ever met and he knew about Pete’s feelings.

Sun who was said to be a flirt and often jokes himself being the guy for Pete was worried. ‘Ai Pete, do you want me to do kick Ai Shorty? Just tell me?’

Pete shook his head with a smile while looking at Ae who was busy laughing and getting angry with questions from their other friends. ‘He is happy. That’s all that matters.’

Sun and Pond looks at Pete and both nodded with mutual understanding.

If Pete doesn’t want to tell Ae his feelings, then they will respect that. But should Pete ask for their help, they will give it 120% for they care and love this little Prince.

Because Ae has a girlfriend, the text messages he sent Pete every morning is being rejected:

Ae. Eat with your girlfriend. She won’t forgive you if you didn’t invite her.

I’m sorry Ae. I’m busy. (⋟﹏⋞)

I’m sorry Ae, I’m with P’Money, we have to attend an event for reference. ＿ﾉ乙(､ﾝ､)＿

Ae, I’m sorry. I’m with Tin this morning. We need to finish our reports. (T_T)

I’m sorry Ae about dinner. Tin and I are still at uni. We have a presentation tomorrow at 8am.  (つ﹏⊂)

Ae, I’m sorry I missed your call. I cannot go with you to dinner. I have to finish some essays with Tin. (༎ຶ⌑༎ຶ)

I’m so sorry Ae, please tell Yihwa sorry too. I know its her birthday, but I just cant go out. We have three proposal report due tomorrow. (ಥ﹏ಥ) Tin and I haven’t finish the second part. Sorry again na. I have given Pond my gift to Yihwa. Please check! I told Ai Pond not to drop it, that’s a perfume.

Ae. Please tell Yihwa that I cannot go with her. I’m so sorry again. I have to go with Tin. Our professor just tasked us to interview his dad! Can you believe? Of all people, we are to interview his dad! ⊂（゜Д゜⊂

Hello Ae. I’m so sorry. I know its your 100th and Pond told me about it. I gave Pond our gift to you guys. Enjoy!

Ae have been staring at his phone. He had been reading all the messages of him and Pete.

For the last 3-4 moths the only time he saw Pete was when he was passing by the Engineering Department to talk to a professor. He was about to go to him when the professor of their class enters and he have no choice but to go inside the room.

He was with the Tin guy he presumes. Tall, white, arrogant face.

What he understands on the last message was: “I gave Pond our gift to you guys.” >> OUR GIFT. WHO THE FUCK IS ‘OUR’?!

He read again the message and compose a new one:

AE: Hello Ai Koon Chai. Are you still busy? Yihwa and I are going out tomorrow and she told me to invite you.

Koon Chai: Then can I bring a someone?

AE: Who?

Koon Chai: Tin.

Ae reads it again and he didn’t notice how hard he was gripping his phone.

AE: I don’t know him Pete. I’m only inviting you.

Koon Chai: Oh. Then I have to decline Ae.

AE: What do you mean?! Are you saying you won’t come with us if that friend of yours isn’t with you?!

Koon Chai: Ae… please don’t get angry. I can sense your anger through your messages.

AE: Then don’t be unreasonable! I don’t know who the fuck is that guy. You keep on mentioning him to all your messages!

Koon Chai: I’m so sorry Ae. I wont’ bother you again. Please take care.

AE: AI PETE!

Ae didn’t receive any messages and he tried to call Pete only to be greeted by a busy line. He tried again and again and when 2 hours had passed, he knew Pete just blocked him.

Ae was so pissed and punches the wall. He will talk to Pete. He will not let this go. Just who the fuck is that guy as if he is someone more important than him?

Ae went to Pete’s apartment the following morning.

Ae confronted Pete on his apartment and Ae was shocked. How many months have they not seen each other? Pete looks so pale, but what stunned him was how beautiful Pete is and that he cant believe himself that he let those months passed by and he was not there to see this beauty for so many months.

‘Why did you block me?’ Ae asked in contained anger.

Pete didn’t answer and just shook his head. Ae was insisting until Pete gives in

‘Because Ae doesn’t like Tin.’

Ae was so angry with what he heard that he shouted ‘Why the hell should I like him?! Who the hell is he anyway?

‘Tin is Pete’s boyfriend Ae.’

‘What did you say?’

‘Tin is my boyfriend Ae. I am gay.’

Thanks @opald for the inspiration. hugs hugs hugs 

[nimirel]

How much of a virgin the CP boys are

yep thats it liiterally nobody asked for this but i cant begin to explain how necessary this is in my mind

this is way too long i’m so sorry

spoilers ahead so read at your own risk 

Okay we’re gonna go from least to most so of course first off we have

Karma: This dude is a fuckboy if i have ever seen one, what else is there to say. He is a 19 year old entitled, atractive, confident and flirty prince who likes to avoid his responsabilities and fool around. This boy has been getting it since puberty landed a good blow on him. Like,, him playing around with an unsuspecting witch and then breaking her heart is what got him cursed in the first place so.... yeah,,,, he’s not a virgin,,, not even close

Rumpel: Okay let’s state the facts: he was living with his fiancee until she cheated on him. Like... are you guys trying to tell me that in the year or so (?) they lived together they didn’t stay up playing doctor into wee hours of the night,,,, yeah,, unlikely. Plus the ladies loooved his annoying ass flirting so it is pretty safe to assume that ,before Bria (Brie cheese), he had gotten together with some lucky lady. (imagine the scandal, the drama when rumors started in medical school that chevalier had charmed one of the nurse’s assistant... how outrageous)

Fritz: i know i know “Nimi what the fuck are you thinking!!!! he should be lower on the list” but hear me out on this it’s going to make sense at the end i promise. I’m still conflicted on whether the 3rd place belongs to Fritz or Waltz but our lost boy’s situation is kind of complicated so let’s play it safe and go for the big bad wolf sweet little puppy. At first we problably thought the same thing: my precious angel,,,,he’s pure,,,,he’s been love with Lucette since he was born,,,,the most loyal knight BUT we cannot forget about Varg >:3c. As I went down this hellhole I started thinking,,, he’s 21 and has been Lucette’s personal knight for 5 years (4...6 i can’t remember right now so let’s settle for 5) making him 16 when he started serving her while Lucette was 13, and who crushes on a 13 year old??? no-fucking-body. Therefore, we can assume that, while Fritz cared for the princess it took at least 2 or 3 years for him to start actually falling for Lucette, in his route he even says that it was a gradual process, so we have a 17/18 year old handsome and single knight with hormones (and VaRG). And yeah... knight training is very demanding and our boy Fritz is specially dedicated but y’know,,,, the camaraderie is strong and he and his knight buddies probably went out on their nights off to the tavern... we all know how hot men in uniforms are so... it is pretty possible that he had some sort of relatioship at some point. While we cannot confirm nor deny that he indeed popped his cherry, he definetly has some sort of experience with phisical affection. To further prove my point we can go back to the moment when Lucette kisses Fritz for the first time, the princess is the only bashful and embarrassed one because of the kiss, Fritz on the other hand just wonders if it is a dream and LAUGHS at Lucette’s reaction. So... yea.. he’s done something... iwe’re just not sure how much 

Waltz: *sigh* SO, at first, I thought, “this nerd is a huge virgin, he’s been stuck in a tweve year old’s body for most all his life, there is NO WAY he has gotten any action” however... i started soing numbers and now we are facing TWO possible scenarios:

One - Somewhat experienced. This is only possible if we follow a timeline where Waltz is cursed right before the Queen’s death. So, in the game Waltz is 22, making him 18 when the Queen was betrayed (by him) and defeated.(Which brings the question, is Waltz body 18 during the game? it doesn’t make a lot of sense since everybody says that he looks 12 and has not changed so either Waltz looked 12 when he was 18, or the curse reverted his age and people say she hasn´t changed since the curse. We are going to follow through this last hypothesis). Now, similarly to Fritz, while they are still teenagers the age difference is still too strong for Waltz to be crushing on an 11 year old when he is 15. So one could argue that (just the same as Fritz), there is a gap of 2 or 3 years when he cares for Lucette, but still is not in love with her, where he could have had some sort of relationship (I like to think that when he truly fell for her was when he met her again at the Marchen). However, whatever Waltz may have had could have not gone too far or been too serious given that he was under Hildyr’s tutelage and,,,, she doesn’t seem the kind of mentor that gives a lot of freedom and space to her pupils (plus Waltz already spent most of his free time playing with Lucette). Then, he could have some experience with physical affection, but nothing too far. Explaining as well how he is also pretty comfortable when Lucette kisses him, but is rather tense when she asks to stay the night with him.

Two - NOTHING. In this case, Waltz was cursed in the age he appears to be, so 12 or so. (This brings up now a different question beacuse it assumes that Waltz betrayed the Queen 5 or 6 years before she was defeated,,,,, what has my boy been doing all that time, was he with parfait???) Anyways, if he was cursed when he was 12 and has looked like that ever since,,,,,,,, yeah,,,,,,not much luck with this one. 

Rod: SWEET PRECIOUS PURE ANGEL. NOT ONLY HAS HE NEVER TOUCHED A SOUL HE IS TERRIBLY SHY WITH ANY FORM OF AFFECTION. HE IS CLOSE TO LUCETTE -> BLUSHES, HE HOLDS HER HAND -> BLUSHES, HE KISSES LUCETTE -> BLUSHES HOTTER THAN THE SUN. ROD AND LUCETTE REMAIN VIRGIN KING AND QUEEN AND YOU KNOW WHAT I RESPECT THEM MY SWEET BABIES. 

[drterminal]

the umbrella academy s1 reactions - part 3

lets go umbrella gang!

part 1: https://casey-brinkes.tumblr.com/post/182841103516/umbrella-academy-s1-reactions-part-1

part 2: https://casey-brinkes.tumblr.com/post/182861701786/umbrella-academy-s1-reactions-part-2-ep-2-3

this part covers episodes 4 through 7 uwu

EPISODE FOUR

- i love how pogo’s just ready,,, holding the serum,,, hsbjndfhn

- luther “okay so basically,, im monky” hargreeves

- “poor diego” hahaha if only you knew

- luther is so edgy sdhjbfkksfhbdns 

- “for one day i think you'll be fine” SHUT UP LEONARD MEDS ARE IMPORTANT!!!!

- leonard is really pushing his relationship w vanya and I Don't Like It

- i hope the rest of the fandom hates leonard as much as i do

- “no wonder we didnt last” were diego and eudora in a relationship in the past??????? did they really make police mans a woman to give diego a relationship??? 

- why does this show make everything romantic

- like i get luther/allison bc that was a thing in the comics (which i don't like anyway), but vanya/leonard and diego/eudora make me ://////

- leonard’s being a creepy weirdo again but when isn't he

- diego i know you have a rivalry with your brother but calling him a monster is a little too far

- oh shit they got the eyes

- okay but. how do they think hazel and cha-cha killed grace?? they didn’t know she was a robot (the academy obviously doesn't know this but their kills aren’t clean. just look at their victims later in the episode)

- NYFSJKDHBD NUMBER FIVE PASSED OUT WITH DELORES

- “you know what’s funny? i'm going through puberty. twice” trans people be like

- IOHDFNSFGFREIOGLFJ HE TOOK HER FUCKING MEDS

- FUCK LEONARD LIVES

- EUDORA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

- klaus winking at the lady on the bus hjsndshfb

- “YOU THROW ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE GODDAMN KNIVES AT ME, I’M PRESSING CHARGES”

- HBDNSFJSB LUTHER PATTING DELORES

EPISODE FIVE

- oh look its kate walsh

- i love my angry boy, diego hargreeves

- so the handler = carmichael??

- okay so the whole deal with the handler and the kennedy assassination is weird because in dallas number five is trying to stop his older self from killing the people involved in the kennedy assassination bc tua takes place in this alternate universe where kennedy never died (bc older five stopped them) BUT in that timeline the world ends bc kennedy meets hargreeves and gives him nukes and the nukes end up in hazel and cha-cha’s hands and they go boom SO in order to make sure the world doesn’t end allison assassinates kennedy. but in the netflix show kennedy dies? i think? bc older five never stopped the assassins bc he wanted to get back to his time? so i don’t know how that’s going to work. of course things are VERY different from the comics and im aware of that but im just wondering how shit is gonna work out with everything changed yknow. SORRY FOR THE HUGE PARAGRAPH 

- DID VANYA JUST FUCKING PUT SALT IN HER COFFEE???? (update: yes she did)

- these dumbasses and their food choices (vanya was just out of it BUT DIEGO AND KLAUS WERE NOT)

- YES POGO PLEASE SAVE GRACE

- “you know i can't drive” that's how u know klaus is really lgbt

- i also love klaus and diego’s relationship

- “wearing grace’s heels” klaus hargreeves, a nonbinary icon since age twelve

- is klaus okay???? like there’s all this shit that’s already happened to him PLUS now he has ptsd from war and a dead boyfriend

- i love hazel not being able to comprehend peaceful bird watching

- agnes is iconic

- FUCK NUMBER FIVE WHY

- F U C K

- IS THAT FUCKING BEN’S BODY WHAT HEUFJC

- THE B OO K

- MOTHERFUCKER

- no. what i think is about to happen better not fucking happen

- OKAY SO WHAT I WAS THINKING DIDNT HAPPEN BUT I DONT FUCKING KNOW WHAT HAPPENED INSTEAD

- WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH GRACE AND POGO

EPISODE SIX

- the little scream when the umbrella popped in hfjdksfk

- “terminate hazel” OH NOOOOO

- @ comic fans did y'all notice the temps aeternalis masks on the wall of the briefcase room

- VNAYAAYD ADNJK POWERS. VANYA. POWERS.

- yay hazel is alive! thank u cha-cha

- but im interested in what actually made her not kill him. cha-cha’s the no-nonsense, cut-to-the-chase one. she wouldn’t hesitate in terminating someone for the commission, so why hesitate now? because hazel’s been her parter for, hell, who knows how long? or did he sway her in his little speech?

- let me tell you i love analyzing this series

- BHDSJAKKHBFKJNSFB JNS JNAFSNJKAL DIEGO SUPPORTING HIS BROTHER WITHOUT HESITATION!!!!!!! “well dave must have been a very special person to put up with all your weird-ass shit” DO YOU HEAR ME CRYING

- “what an asshole” we been knew buddy

- “to finish the feast” allison. honey. that food has been there for years

- everyone in the academy is an idiot and you know what? that's valid

- OH Y<M GFODPSMF SHES BURNING IT

- diego geniunely cares for klaus. i love them

- THE TRANSITION FROM KLAUS FALLING OVER AAA

- dave D’:

- SHE HAS A PLANE TO GET TO. YALL DONT HAVE TIME TO DANCE

- THE TRANSITIONS IN THIS EPISODE ARE REALLY GOOD THO

- “im an idiot” yes, yes you are. you all are

- OHN YMTNJ FDISJAKNDJFIJOSFBHSDOKSJBH XBJOA CHA-CHA

- FUCKJGIHDFN IMAGINE. CHA-CHA DOESNT HAVE THE GUTS TO KILL HAZEL BUT HAZEL HAS THE GUTS TO KILL HER. IMAGINE

- WHAT A FUCKING POWER MOVE

- the “tough” one can’t kill her partner but the “distracted” one can

- i doubt hazel would go through w it but like. just imagine

- i'm so writing a fic for this now

- SHE IFPOHDJSFBS SHSE FOUND THE BOOK

- D A V E

- SDJFLJKLDLND KILLING HER (she isn't dead tho) WITH HER OWN GRENADES. P O W E R  M O V E

- OH NO EVERYTHING’S FUCKED UP

- HSDBJN “WHO THE HELL IS HAROLD JENKINS”

- but really who the fuck is that

EPISODE SEVEN

- “i'll save you from the evil dr terminal!” 

- HARGREEVES IS SUCH A DICK

- OH MY FUCKIGNF GOD HE JUST MURDERED HIS DAD

- his dad was a dick too but JESUS 

- “money money money money” HBJSDBHKJN KLAUS

- OKAY I SUSPECTED IT BEFORE BUT SJKFDJBFKNKL 

- NO WONDER LEONARD’S SO OBSESSED WITH VANYA

- AND THATS WHY LEONARD HAS NO RECORDS, BC ITS NOT HIS REAL NAME

- LITHERHEORKFJDSLB:UTHER LIUTHER :LUTHER LUTHER 

- PUT KLAUS DOWN

- i LOVE klaus’s relationships w all his brothers 

- SEEING THIS DAY FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE IS SO COOL

- “yeah, he didnt seem dangerous when i first saw him. looked kinda scrawny” “yeah, well, so are most serial killers and mass murderers. i mean, look at him” “thanks”

- DIEGO JUST BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR SJNDFJKBDLFB

- “you know the door was unlocked?” KSHDFJLFJHBDJLAHsb

- JKHDSJ SHE CANT REACH THE ATTIC

- FIVE YOU DUMB IDIOT TELL YOUR FUCKING SIBLINGS WHEN YOURE DYING

- why does leonard / harold get stuck with such an ugly name BOTH times

- oh god they're kissing

- :(

- this such a good scene tho... (the ben & klaus one)

- LUTHER ARE YOU OKAY?????????????

- “huge fan of the furries” FSHBDJKNBHDKNBHADWKNL

- “WHY’D YOU DO THAT??” “I HAVE NO IDEA”

- klaus :(

- “did you?” “no, no, no, of course not, why would you ask that about me?”

- OH MY GODN IS THIS WHERE KLAUS MEETS COWBOY GOD???

- aw its little girl god not cowboy god

- y'all are missing out in cowboy god

- oh worm leonard’s all beat up BUT. VANYA. POWERS.

[sterekloving]

A small collection of high school aus! There’s so many wonderful ones out there that has yet to be read!

And Then There Is No Mystery Left (Baby, I’m Sweet On You) -  Swing Set in December - 1k - Teen

Stiles has no idea why Derek is sitting at his lunch table.

As Good As The Real Thing - literaryoblivion - 5k - Mature

He’s maybe had a crush on Stiles for going on two years now, but there’s no way he’s ever going to act on it or say anything. But, he's memorized all of Stiles's quirks and habits because he and Stiles have been in the same history class for two years now, and he always ends up sitting by him. However, he and Stiles have had limited interaction with one another, which is fine. Derek can subside on his daydreams of Stiles. He can live the rest of his high school career on his fantasies alone.

That is until their teacher assigns them to be partners for a project.

Awful, Wonderful You -  stilinskisparkles - 16k - Mature

Truth be told, Derek was suffering from the mild delusion he lived in all summer wherein he actually thought this year might be different, and he might, perhaps, be able to bury the hatchet with Stiles and start over.

The superglue that’s destroyed a ninety dollar pair of pants, however, says otherwise. Derek knows how this play goes down; eventually, he’s going to have to climb out of the pants and trudge back to his dorm half naked. Stiles will gloat for a damn week; Derek will have to put up with constant remarks about Stiles getting him out of his pants... Dammit, he’s actually going to get Derek out of his pants, and it’s not even close to the way he pictured it happening.

Betting On Forever -  mrstotten, veritas_st - 17k - Mature

It’s not like Stiles spends a huge amount of time thinking about it. But when he does it seems strange, good strange, but strange nevertheless, he cant really put a finger on when they decided to become civil to each other let alone friends, best friends even.

Him...and Derek Hale. Can you imagine it?

Binomial Coefficients - DevilDoll - 20k - Teen

In which brainy freshman Stiles Stilinski wants star quarterback Derek Hale to join the math team, AKA math nerds in love.

But Then What... -  Stoney - 24k - Explicit

Senior year is almost over, and all Stiles needs to do is keep his head down to survive. A teacher calls in a favor, leaving him stuck tutoring Derek Hale, one of the most popular jocks in school and a member of a group of douchecanoes who have bullied Stiles for years. He's someone Stiles totally hates. Totally. Like, doesn't like him even a little bit. DEFINITELY isn't attracted to him.

Except that is a total lie. Fuck his life, seriously.

C’mon Now Sugar - teamfreewolf - 39k - Teen

A Teen Wolf/Veronica Mars fusion AU. Stiles helps his father out with his private investigation agency while trying to survive high school. But when murders that might be connected to the death of his best friend Laura start occurring, he is forced to team up with her brother Derek to get to the bottom of it.

Dancing (With Another Man) -  perksofbeingaiko - 35k - Mature

Derek Hale fell in love with Stiles Stilinski the moment he laid eyes on him. The boy was imperfect, vibrant, and confusing - everything Derek never knew he was missing in his life. The problem, though, is that Derek doesn't want to ruin his newly formed friendship with the boy. But with each day that passes, Derek finds that his chances start to run thin, until his world turns over completely when Stiles gets a boyfriend.

Double Date -  dragon_temeraire - 2k - Teen

Stiles scores a date for him and Derek with two of the hottest girls in school, but things don’t go quite the way he expects.

Easy Alpha - interropunct - 4k - Teen

Easy A/Teen Wolf AU. Wherein, Derek Hale is the high school hussy, Jackson and Scott really need to learn to use their inside voices. And, contrary to popular belief, everyone is still a virgin.

Help Me Get In Touch (With What I Feel) - alenie - 3k - Explicit

“Stiles, what happened?” Derek says as sternly as he can (which isn’t very). Nevertheless, there is a pause on the line, and a small sigh.

“I was just…having some Stiles personal time, you know? And…I may have gotten something stuck. Um, in me.”

“In you?” Derek says incredulously. “What do you…oh.” Enlightenment strikes. “Like, in your…”

“Yes, in my butt!” Stiles snaps.

(I Ain’t Scared Of The Fall) I Felt The Ground Before -  planiforidjit - 41k - Explicit

"You know what the solution is," she says.

"What's the solution?"

"You get a mate."

"Thank you for that, Laura. I'll file it away with the other idiotic ideas I've already tried."

Derek is sick of being treated like he's property and he's sick of his family pressuring him to find a mate. So the obvious solution is to fake a relationship with Stiles Stilinski, the annoying lacrosse player and alpha that Derek may or may not be pining over anyway.

I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me) -  bleep0bleep - 10k - Teen

Derek gets in an accident and loses a few years of his memory; suddenly everything is different— he's not a freshman loser anymore, but a popular senior, captain of the basketball team, a shoo-in for prom king, too, and he should have everything he's ever wanted— except he doesn't seem to be friends with Stiles anymore.

If You Asked Me If I Love Him, I’d Lie - dereksstilinski - 37k - Explicit

Derek has already typed the entire report out and even got all of the stuff prepared for the poster that Stiles and him will have to present. Derek found that he actually didn’t mind doing all the work when it was Stiles he was doing it for, but he wasn’t going to let Stiles get away completely. He was going to get Stiles to come over and help with the poster, so help him god.

In A Straight Line Down - standinginanicedress - 40k - Teen

“So you want to go to Prom with me just so you can get a plastic crown and a fifty dollar gift card to Outback Steakhouse.”

Stiles sets his jaw. He wants to go to prom with Derek because he wants to go to prom with Derek. But, of course, he's stubborn and prideful and can't admit to Derek how it's barely been twelve hours since they officially broke up and he's already barely handling it as it is, so he just raises his chin in the air and says, “yes.”

John Hughes Did Not Direct My Life - nascentgalaxies - 48k - Explicit

Stiles and Derek are childhood friends who drifted apart. When Stiles joins the lacrosse team against his will, the universe (with a little help from Laura and Lydia) chooses to push them back together.

Knot If You Don’t Knock - jsea, marguerite_26 - 13k - Explicit

Stiles never expects to present as an omega -- that's something that happens to people like Greenberg, not him. He is so wrong.

His life only gets stranger when Derek Hale mistakenly bursts through the door of his exam room during a doctor’s appointment. What happens next is a complicated series of events, including freshly baked cookies, book-carrying and surprise heats.

Oh God, He’s Hot - lupus - 6k - Explicit 

When Stiles came home a couple of days before junior year started from a summer away, he was a little more than excited to see his best friend Derek, especially now that he’d finally gotten the courage to act upon his long standing crush on the guy. There’s just one problem; somewhere in the span of three months puberty hit Derek like the bus hit Regina George and all of the sudden Derek is hot. And Stiles isn’t the only one who’s noticed.

Practice Makes Perfect* - blacktofade - 21k - Explicit

In his sophomore year, Stiles gets dragged to lacrosse tryouts by Scott and ends up practising alongside the senior captain, Derek Hale. Stiles just wants to live long enough to become a junior.

R.A.P.I.L.A - neko_fish - 7k -Teen

The first time Stiles talks to Derek Hale, it’s raining, it’s pouring, and Scott went and ditched him to ‘study’ with Allison.

(Thank you, best friend Scott.)

Roses are #FF000 - nashirah - 6k - Teen

“Roses are red,

Violets aren’t blue, they’re fucking purple,

This place is neat,

Let me buy you a Slurpee.”

Stiles finishes and looks pointedly at Derek. “They don’t make avocado Slurpees.”

“I’m filing for fake divorce,” Derek decides.

Seems To Me It’s Chemistry - HalfFizzbin - 4k - Teen

Awkward Nerd Derek has been crushing on Handsome Jock Stiles since forever—so getting paired with him on a Chemistry project is definitely the best/worst thing that's ever happened to him.

Soluble -  HalfFizzbin - 1k - Explicit

Derek comes back after summer break all hot, beardy and brace-less. Stiles honestly has no idea what everyone's freaking out about.

The Great Pretender - talktowater - 45k - Explicit

Stiles is the new kid at Beacon Hills High, class of 1958 and he's trying to make an impression. Derek can't figure out why this kid is so set on making such a bad one.

The John Wilkes (Kissing) Booth of Fundraising -  relenafanel - 4k - Teen

There are only a few people Stiles actually wants to kiss, but it turns out the students at Beacon Hills High School either aren't as discerning or (less likely) actually want to kiss him, because his shift at the horrible-terrible-idea kissing booth is oddly popular. 

Even Derek Hale shows up in line.

The Nerd Party - bibliosexual - 6k - Teen

Until this moment, Stiles wasn’t even sure Derek could read, and now he’s trying to steal Stiles’ obscure eight-hundred-page fantasy novel. What.

This Might Be Irony -  thepsychicclam - 38k - Mature

Stiles and Derek have been close friends since the Hale siblings moved in next door after their parents' death. But Derek's in the popular group, he's a star baseball player, and he dates popular Pep Squad captain Jennifer Blake. Stiles doesn't have any of that, just his skateboard and a hopeless crush on Derek (oh yeah, and his Vote Lydia Martin Prom Queen button). As prom and the baseball state championship grow closer, Stiles and Derek start rekindling their friendship.

And it all begins with two white boards.

Tutor!Verse - betp - 33k - Mature

They meet when Derek is seventeen and hates history almost as much as he hates his ex, Kate, and Stiles is sixteen and taking junior-level history classes.

We Are So Intimately Rearranged* - secondstar - 28k - Explicit

A High School AU where there are no werewolves and no hunters. Stiles is getting ready for his senior year when he meets Derek at the coffee shop he works at.

What I Go To School For - goodnight_tinyhumans - 5k - Teen

Derek is having a hard time with chemistry. Stiles is one of the best students in the class. This couldn't possibly go wrong.

Worth the Wait* - Dexterous_Sinistrous - 13k - Explicit

Stiles always had a thing for Derek, but then again, so did everyone else. Stiles just wanted to be seen as different, which was why he waited. But maybe he waited a little too long.

You Can’t Dodge Stiles Stilinski - stilinskisparkles - 27k - Explicit

“And this is it?” he points at the first girl. “I saw you in first period, you barely bothered to catch any of the balls you were tossed. I’m pretty sure you spent more time on your cell.”

The girl rolls her eyes, and looks completely unashamed of the fact she had her phone out in class. Derek knows Finstock would have stepped on it.

“And you,” he points at the second girl, taller and with eyes that meet Derek’s coolly. “You can’t throw anything worth half a damn. And what are you,” he points at the boy, trying not to look him in the eye, and failing. “A hundred and fifty pounds wet?”

The boy smirks at him, and Derek looks resolutely away. He’s now desperately trying not to picture him wet.

"I can't work with this."

(You Drive Me) Crazy -  I_glitterz - 5k - Explicit

When he catches Stiles looking at him, his lip quirks up the tiniest bit and Stiles’ insides melt as his heart starts to race. A blush spreads across his face and he looks back at Scott’s love struck face when he catches Allison walking into her classroom.

He’s pretty sure he’s just as gone on Derek as Scott is on Allison, but at least Scott has a fat chance in hell with Allison.

You Look Like Bad News (I Gotta Have You) -  standinginanicedress - 38k - Explicit

Option A : violently tell Derek that they are under no circumstances ever to hook up again because it was stupid and dumb.

Option B : tell Scott the truth, stand back and watch as Scott kills Derek with his bare hands so Stiles doesn't even have to face the music. Not an option at all, actually. Expunge this from the record.

The real Option B : calmly explain to Derek that the situation is too fucked up and hey, maybe if Derek and Scott ever shake hands and make up, he and Stiles can hook up again because, man...it was great.

Option C : forget everything, charge headfirst into danger like fuckin' Bravehart and have sex with Derek all over again.

Option D : bury himself alive and wait for the worms to eat him.

You’re The Comeback Kid - capeofstorm - 45k - Mature

Derek Hale doesn't do friends, not after the fire that claimed his entire family and landed him in foster care. He just wants to graduate and get on with his life. But Laura always said he was a bleeding heart and that's how he ends up with Erica Reyes as his best friend after he helps her through a seizure one day. 

Erica's not content with being the loser epileptic anymore, not now that she's Derek's friend. She intends to become the uncrowned queen of the school because running things from behind the scenes is always fun. 

Add in Stiles Stilinski, the guy Derek can't help but notice and help with some bully trouble.

And how the hell did Erica talk him into taking Isaac Lahey under his wing?

[time-2-vent]

So. This is a master post about my grandma. Some of this has already been talked about here but I posted this on my private fb and wanted to keep it here too.

.

Okay.. so. This is gonna be a long and detailed one.

Ive never had a space where I could vent about my grandma to more than just people close to me without being blamed or her finding out. The only family I have on here is my mom and im hiding this post from her for various reasons. I understand if many of you can't read all the way through this because its gonna be a lot. I just want the people around me to have a better grasp on exactly why im so depressed.

Before I start im gonna add a trigger list because there is a LOT and im probably going to be very emotional typing this. A lot of it ive never spoken about publicly.

So for a list of TW:

Emotional, physical, sexual, and animal abuse, r*pe, p*dophelia, racism, su*cide, hospitals, ableism, be******ty mention, fatshaming, weight mention, f slur.

.

.

.

.

Okay. Im going to start at when I moved in with her. She tricked my mother into signing over custody of me when I was 10. When I was 9 years old I was forced into a mental hospital after being heavily overdosed on medications meant for adults to the point I was "sitting upside down in my chairs unresponsive and talking about tranquilizers" which i have no memory of. The hospital was probably the worst experience in my entire life and I was almost murdered by one of the older kids. After getting out of there I moved in with my grandma.

Throughout my life shes said and done so many horrible things to me. She would always yell and scream about the smallest mistakes. She used to pick me up by my hair. She was just fucking horrible to me.

Around the age of 10-11 when I started going through puberty she would always make fun of the way my genitals looked. She would ask me to stretch my labia out and move it around. Specifically she would ask me to "show me your bat wings". It was fucking disgusting but as a child I thought it was just haha funny joke.

For a while I thought I just imagined that until my mom brought it up to me and how she CAUGHT HER saying that to me multiple times. So I had confirmation that I wasn't just imagining it. I once confronted her about it and she immediately started crying (ive only seen her cry 3 times in my entire life) and told me if I ever said that again she would tell everyone in my family that I was a "prostitute" and would make everyone in my family hate me, and that it was my mother who did that to me.

My mom lived with me and my grandma for a few years but eventually moved out on her own because she couldn't handle my grandmas abuse.

My grandma dated my moms r*pist, which was my moms uncle, and told my mom she never got r*ped, and said my mom only fucked him for "attention and cigarettes". My mom was 12 at the time.

My grandma told me at 15 that the "only reason you think you're trans is because you got diddled as a kid"

My grandma called me a whore when I started becoming sexually active despite her having her first child at 16.

She once told me I was "just like my father" who is a sex offender and abused me as a child. I was also forced to give my at-the-time step brothers head when I was 3-5 and was taught that it was okay.

My grandma has called me every possible name in the book. Anytime she does something wrong its automatically my fault. She told me she would believe that im trans when I showed her my dick (at 16).

Shes incredibly rude and racist, says she hates how she can't understand Asian people. She's said the n word. She's made so many "jokes" about how "aggressive" Black people are. When my cousin found out he had Black in him she said, and I quote, "I always knew he had a n***r ass" which fucking disgusted me. Shes scoffed at my mother for limping. She scoffs at anyone disabled. Always says "you wouldn't catch me looking like that in public." She would tell my mom she was faking her pain. And coincidentally of all 4 of her kids, one was born with physical deformities. she says thats not the reason why, but she gave her up for adoption. She yells at anyone standing in her way who isn't aware. She is incredibly rude when she speaks to people to the point its embarrassing.

When I hung myself earlier this year and a friend came to pick me up she was yelling at me like "Oh so you went and tattled on me didnt you? Did you say oh boo hoo shes so abusiveeee!!" As I had literally just laid passed out in the snow from hanging myself.

When she found out I hung myself she bitched about how I had her snow boots and how she would have had to climb up the hill to find my fucking body as if it were a chore. She asked me if I wanted to be cremated out of nowhere and when I said no she replied "good I didn't want to have to pick your piercings out of your dead body" when I told her she made me want to kill myself she laughed at me and said "well then you'll never survive" my first suicide attempt was at 12 years old. A few weeks ago I started carving at my throat in front of her because im so desperate for her to LISTEN to me for 5 FUCKING SECONDS. I have legitimately cried on my knees and begged her to treat me like a person time and time again. She laughs at me and turns it around to my issues. She guilt trips me and makes me think everything is my fault. She calls me disgusting for having 1 or 2 shirts on the floor. She told me to MY FACE she will never see me as trans. Misgenders me, misgenders my friends. I jokingly told her one of my cis friends was trans, and when she left she asked me "does he really have a penis?" ABOUT A WHOLE ASS CIS WOMAN. She told me she ran over and killed a dog with a broken leg to "put it out of its misery" she would always use glue traps and I told her not to tell me about it so she waits until were in public and says "yknow whenever I catch a live mouse on one of the traps I throw it into a plastic bag and then go do the litter box to suffocate it". Shes threatened to make me pay the hospital bill when I called 911 because she was unconscious. She says horrible things to me EVERY FUCKIJG DAY. She's always making everying my fault all the time and sits and smiles while I'm sobbing and pouring my heart out because im tired of the abuse. Im so fucking tired. It goes on and on and on every day of my life. I literally slit my throat in front of her and she only stopped being mean for about a week. Im so depressed and mentally ill and this is beating on me every moment of my fucking life.

In not done but im shaking and need to stop typing for now

Edit: some other notable things, when my grandpa disowned me and stopped speaking to me for over a year she told me it was probably because of how disgusting I was. And "nobody wants to be around that".

She will ask me specific random questions about specific friends and if I dont know the answer or I forgot, she goes on a tangent about how terrible of a friend I am.

When I was cutting her hair she kept telling me I was doing it wrong, so I did it her way and she hated it and told me she's glad I didn't pursue hair because im terrible at it.

When my cat was dying she originally refused to take him to the vet because he was "just gonna die anyways so I might as well let him", then gave up her cat to the vet because she was peeing but didn't wanna take responsibility for that so she lied to them and said she showed up at her door and didn't tell them her age or even her name and that was so fucking cruel.

When she starts laughing at me sometimes she'll talk to me in a whiny "baby voice" and be like awwww, waaa im so abusedddd *mocks me crying*.

And she always talks in a tone that sounds pissed off and seems confused when I feel like I'm being scolded.

She gets in my face and puts her finger in my face and backs me into corners sometimes and then when I smack her hand out of my face she says she'll put me in jail for abuse.

Oh yea and simetimes when she gets mad at me she'll be like "ok GIRL" in the middle of me talking. Like its annoying and uncalled for.

I cant believe I forgot this holy shit. Years ago (was a minor here as well) I was attacked by my neighbors dog and it knocked me down and when I got home my grandma was accusing me of be******ty and said she was "watching it fuck me" and I was so fucking disgusted and hurt.. I try to block that from my memory because it was my third dog attack and I was traumatized.

She also regularly calls her brother a F@ggot. He is the only lgbt family member (he's gay) that i have.

She regularly fatshames people while only a few feet from them. And will whisper to me about how disgusting they look.

She asks for all of my friends deadnames and gets mad when I dont answer.

"I can't be abusive because I give you a home. I could have let social services take you."

"I cant be racist because my ex husband is Black"

"You must be living in a fantasy world where you make up shit that ive done."

"Id be depressed if I stayed in bed all day too."

"I need to learn to have lower expectations for you."

"I'm starting to resent you. So ill be taking 200$ a month for rent." (She has stopped this thankfully)(edit #2, she started taking it again im gonna be here forever lmao)

When I was underweight she would say things like "you look like an aids patient." And "Are you trying to look like your mother?"

"You're a hoarder"

[autisticmob]

on a similar not to the other gender stuff i just wanna say how wild it is when you realize youve actually been experiencing gender dysphoria your whole life but like, at the time you didnt realize that it was A Thing to be trans so you attributed it to other stuff

like i vividly remember as a kid in like 1st grade or smth saying “hey mom i kinda wish i could be a boy” and she just said “no you dont” and i figured like. “well i mean ok i CANT just magically turn into a boy anyway so shes right i just wont worry about it.” 

and then like, i hit puberty in fucking 3rd grade and had DD cups by the time i was 10 so like... i had all this angst about having boobs and i just assumed it was because i was the only one who had them at that point. idk why a red flag didnt go up when everyone else caught up to me and i still hated them but yknow compulsory heterosexuality/cis identification is a bitch.

and all through middle school and my first few years of high school i wore really feminine clothes and heavy makeup because i saw other girls wearing those kinds of things and i was like HOLY SHIT THATS PRETTY (newsflash asshole you just fucking like girls) so i would try to emulate that but when the dresses were on ME i was just like oh... yikes... that doesnt look right at all.... so i just thought i was a real ugly girl and just kept trying to find a brand of femininity that felt right but none of them did. 

then i realized i liked girls and i was like ok well im never gonna get a gf if i dont somehow signal tht im an Enormous Lesbian (technically bi but whatever) so i cut off all my hair! and it was cool and i liked it but i was still trying to look very femme even with the pixie cut and it just wasnt working out for me so eventually i just “stopped trying” and like

imagine my fucking shock when suddenly, with no makeup, and my baggy ass depression clothes that hid my curves, and my newly short, masculine haircut, i looked in the mirror and suddenly didnt hate how i looked. like... every bone in my body was telling me like, “this is what it looks like when you give up. girls are not typically found attractive when they look like this.” 

but i fucking DID and i was like whaaaat ok well i guess i just transcended all my insecurities suddenly, thats very convenient so im not gonna question it too much. and i still didnt fucking get it!! like lmao dude how dense do u gotta BE! so then i went to olive garden with my family and for the first time, the waitress looked at me and my dad, and was like “what would you gentlemen like to order?” and all of a sudden im grinning like an idiot. like. everyone assumed i was just laughing at her “mistake” or whatever but i was just. genuinely pleased, and i didnt really know why. i wasnt even gonna “correct her” or anything but obviously my high-ass voice tipped her off that something was Amiss in some way so yknow. that entire incident lasted probably all of 20 seconds.

and i guess from that point on, when i realized that people COULD look at me and think “hey thats a boy if i ever saw one!” i was... kinda disappointed every time that didnt happen? and thats around the time i figured out that maybe my gender wasnt always what i assumed it was 

and im still not 100% sure what my ideal body/label/etc. is but like... its definitely not “cis female” so idk it just makes me kind of emotional realizing that kids are growing up now with the concept of transgender identities being like... a legit topic in the public eye?? like holy shit if i’d had the words to describe what i was feeling back in first grade, before society unloaded all its shit on me and convinced me that my feelings werent a thing that i even COULD have? holy shit! man i wouldve been so much more insistent about it. maybe i wouldve even been able to transition before estrogen-based puberty started wreaking too much havoc on my body and self-image. like if my mom knew then what she knows now about trans stuff? she wouldnt have even fucking SAID that shit to me! she probably wouldve just said “are you sure?” and we couldve had a whole fucking conversation about it instead of me repressing that shit for like a decade.

i know theres still shitty people and shitty parents out there, and not all the attention being given to trans people right now is positive attention. but holy shit i get so fucking happy thinking about all the young kids whose families and peers and teachers and stuff have the tools now to treat them the way they deserve?? like when my sister was 13 she told me she had a friend who was ACTIVELY transitioning already and i was like holy shit! im only 5 years older than her and even then, when i was her age?? i cant even imagine a 12 or 13 year old kid being that fucking brave and that fucking in tune with their own identity... like stuff is bad right now obviously and things are kind of going to shit but theres still little things like that to celebrate and im so glad yall