#anyway. huh. what a day huh (its 2pm)

[widevibratobitch]

im so fucking mad at myself and my stupid fucking coping mechanisms and that it took me this fucking long to realise im a people pleaser and not only that but the most pathetic kind - the kind that doesnt *actually* manage to please anyone lol

[sidlyrics]

【Hamamatsuchou→Tamachi】 Since Aki was around Hamamatsuchou, we went for a walk together 【Yamanote line #26】

This is a translation of this video of Shinya (Dir en Grey) and Aki. The official subs are up, but they were posted after I had done more than half of the translation, so I decided to finish it anyway.

When Aki was talking about his beliefs, the part about the cardinal directions was super confusing to me (not just the vocabulary, but the concept), so I’ll try to ask him to explain and hopefully correct any possible misunderstandings (update: I asked and still didn’t understand lmao).

Shinya: Hi! It's me, Shinya! Today's plan for our weekly walk around the Yamanote line is brought to you from Hamamatsuchou station. Cameraman: Let's go! Shinya: It seems that this is the main entrance. Cameraman: We were sort of passing by. Shinya: Right. Today the weather is great. Cameraman: It is. Shinya: Wait a sec. There's someone there... Cameraman: Huh? Shinya: What the...? He's checking the angle of view. Cameraman: He looks a little familiar, though. Let's go check. Shinya: Let's see. Cameraman: I get the feeling that I've seen him before. Shinya: It does feel that way. It's the silhouette, right? Look! He's still doing that. Ah, the view, the trains... He's trainspotting! He’s checking the wind. Aki: Eh? What are you doing here, Shinya? It's been a long time, right? Shinya: It's Aki from SID. Aki: Yes, I'm Aki from SID. Why are you at my most private spot? Shinya: On the contrary, what were you doing? Aki: At 2pm on Mondays... Shinya: Waiting for the shinkansen? Aki: I'm cultivating my sensitivity everyday. Shinya: I'll be walking now to Tamachi. Aki: Isn't that great? I don't know the area at all. Shinya: Do you want me to show you around? Aki: Cool. Shinya: First of all, that's Tokyo Tower. Aki: I see. Speaking of which, it’s a good example, right? Shinya: Then let's go that way. Aki: Do you know its height? Shinya: Around 333 meters. Aki: You actually knew it, didn't you? Shinya: No way was I expecting Aki to be up there. I'm glad I looked up. Aki: Right. The only place I know in Hamamatsuchou is that railroad switch. Speaking of Daimon station, I have a memory... We met for the first time at the house of a certain senior of mine, right? Shinya: Yes, yes. Aki: The area around these stations, you know, didn't it often become our base of operations? Like a meeting spot. That was just a natural development, right? Cameraman: That was the first time you two met? Aki: The house of that senpai... Shinya: Well, but for me it was a junior... Aki: I don’t have to hide his name. It was Kagerou, right? So actually we first met at Daisuke's house. Cameraman: Ah, so you met there. Aki: We've been good friends since then. Shinya: It was more than 10 years ago. Aki: Absolutely. Wasn't it even longer ago? Shinya: Around 20 years. But SID was still an indie band. Aki: Right. That's a long time... We saw each other and all that in many different places, right? Shinya: Yes, yes. Cameraman: I definitely also have the impression that you two get along really well. Aki: We really do. Cameraman: Plan-wise, we were originally going to go along the railroad track, right? We might as well go there. Shinya: To a place like a shrine. Cameraman: Let's calmly go there. It doesn't feel like a detour, so I say that today we head towards Tamachi station from there. Aki: This looks like a place to grab a drink along the way. Shinya: I've never tried it [in his videos]. Aki: Is it not okay? Cameraman: We rarely go in shops. Aki: Ah, okay. Are you busy? Shinya: Not at all. It was my birthday the other day. Aki: Ah, that's right. Shinya: But there wasn't much else. Aki: It was my birthday as well! Shinya: I sent him a message on LINE on the day. Aki: Was it on LINE? Shinya: Yes. Aki: I see, I see. Shinya: There was no reply. Aki: It's just that I just... I replied just now. Yeah, now... This... That's a lame excuse, right? Got it! I'll treat you to a taiyaki. I'll give you a taiyaki as a present. Ah, oops. I don't have my wallet with me. My manager has it. Then, it's fine if I choose based on my impression of Shinya, right? Shinya: Let's try it out once. Aki: I guess it'll be this one. Shinya: That's right. Aki: Excuse me, one of custard, please. [replying to the shop assistant] Yes. Since the cashless payment method that I have is not supported, can I borrow 280 yen? Shinya: I don't have cash either, so which electronic methods can we use? Shop assistant: auPay and tadaima Tokyo+. Aki: Ah, I see. Shinya: Thank you. Who uses that? I don't have cash either. Aki: I see, then, wait. It may work with auPay, I might have around 1000 yen. It may be my first chance to use it. Shinya: It's auPay or tadaima Tokyo+. Aki: It may be possible! Wait, here, maybe... The balance... Ah, there are even 3000 yen! [to the shop assistant] With auPay, please. Shop assistant: Okay, thank you. Shinya: What's auPay? It's the first time I hear about it. Aki: Why? Why do I have 3000 yen? So here it is. Please, take it. Cameraman: A sense of walking the streets, amazing. Shinya: I've been given a birthday present. Cameraman: Birthday present! It's a taiyaki! It's at the corner of this intersection. Ah, have you tried it? Shinya: Yes. Cameraman: How is it? Shinya: Very hot. Cameraman: Ah, Aki as well. How is it? Good? Aki: Yeah, it's good. Cameraman: It's a sudden feeling of walking the streets. Shinya: Isn't it like when we ate the pandas somewhere? Cameraman: Yes. That's it, maybe. Shinya: Right. Cameraman: Are both your taiyaki filled with custard? Aki: Yeah, they are the same. To show our good relationship. Cameraman: Shinya, is it good? Shinya: Yes. It's hot, though. Cameraman: All you say is that it's hot. Shinya: Because I'm sensitive to heat. I'm super sensitive to heat. Is that gate Shibadaimon by any chance? Cameraman: That's what it looks like. Shinya: That's Zojoji temple. Aki: Is it? Shinya: That's already well known. Aki: Ah, a road safety tablet. Shinya: For luck. Aki: Right. Cameraman: Excuse me for disturbing. Shinya: Excuse me for disturbing. Aki: Are you the type to do things like going to a temple on New Year? Shinya: No, I never go. Aki: You don't?! Aaaah... Cameraman: Aren't you going for Hatsumode [visiting a shrine for the first time after the New Year]? Shinya: Because I'm a person who thinks there are no gods. Aki: Really? Shinya: Yes. Aki: I see. Actually, in my case... Doing things right, getting good things to happen, following a good direction from the place in my life where I'm currently at... How to be in a position for good things to happen... Yeah, about that... It is said that you should do things such as going to a temple that is in the direction you've taken. This year I had to go to the east anyway, so I went to Saruda shrine, which is at the end of Chiba prefecture. I got purified. Since last year was a calamitous year for me and this one is also dangerous [when men reach 42, calculated by the traditional method, according to which children are born already being one, it is believed that it's an unlucky age. The year after that is also dangerous. Aki is now 42, so he is in his dangerous year after the most unlucky year], I’d better do it. Shinya: I've had my unlucky year, but it finished without me doing anything. Aki: Really? Shinya: It finished well. Aki: Ah, really? I see. On second thought... Cameraman: You are basically fine? Shinya: Yes. Aki: That's true... Since your ideas are solid already, you say there are no gods? Shinya: Exactly. Cameraman: But have you ever gone for Hatsumode, Shinya? Shinya: In the past. Cameraman: You went. Shinya: I did it for some reason. Aki: But today will be your Hatsumode, of course. Shinya: A magnificent gate. Aki: But it seems that it's best not to record without permission, right? Shinya: Wow, it was great, wasn't it? Cameraman: It was. Aki: It was. It made an impact. Shinya: It did. Aki: You can see at the same time the Tokyo Tower and the main temple building, that's quite a combination. That's unique to Tokyo, right? Shinya: Certainly. Aki: It feels like a temple in Tokyo. What number am I today more or less? Shinya: Are you talking about the guests? Aki: Yes. Shinya: One, two, three... You are the fourth! Aki: The fourth? So it's not been long since you started. Shinya: No, I'm already finishing. Aki: Finishing? Shinya: Yes. Aki: What do you mean you are finishing? Shinya: Well, I basically do it by myself, but I have guests every once in a while for this Yamanote line project. Aki: Ah, I see, I see. You don't have guests every time? Shinya: That's it. Aki: Aaaah. Cameraman: It's just a coincidence, even with Mana. Aki: Should I call them guests, then? Shinya: All of them by chance. Aki: I also do this [looking at trains while doing the hand gesture from the beginning] every week. I do it every week at that spot. Shinya: I don't think I'll go there anymore, though. Cameraman: It's pretty, right? Shinya: Tokyo Tower is amazing. It feels like I can reach it, you know. Aki: It's nearby, but... I've been called before to come here from Atsugi. Shinya: When we met, you came from Atsugi. Aki: A great night. Right, I was in Atsugi. Shinya: How long does it take? Aki: Mmm... I think it takes around 2 hours. Shinya: Is that so? Aki: It's a little over an hour to Shinjuku. And from my home there is a bus which is 15 minutes to the station, so I'd go to Shinjuku and from there I'd also ride that train. If I have to walk, it would be around 2 hours? 2 hours, maybe? If we started at the same time from Shinagawa station, we could go further than Shizuoka and more or less arrive at Nagoya. I would say that's the distance. Isn't it amazing? Shinya: Well, it is what it is. Aki: Right, right. Shinya: Have you lived in the same house for several years? Aki: Yes, for quite a while. Since COVID started, I made various changes to the soundproofing and other things in my studio room so that I could do online lives. I do them at night. I also work then. Shinya: Before COVID, didn't you have things such as a soundproofed door and so on? Aki: I did, I did. It will be seen during lives, right? The general image of the room was too seedy. I thought that I would improve it a little. It was DIY, though. I worked hard. It took reasonable expenses, it's a waste to move. Wouldn't it be annoying? Shinya: Since you have never come before... Aki: Right. Shinya: to my house even though we are good friends... Cameraman: Eeeeh? Aki: It's true. I've never been to Shinya's residence. Cameraman: I had the impression that a lot of people are coming and going to Shinya's house. Shinya: Right, right. Even though everyone is coming... Aki: I was not invited. Shinya: I invited you, though. How many times? Cameraman: To play boardgames? Shinya: Yeah, things like that. Aki: Well, it's like, you always want to play difficult games. Games like Momotaro Dentetsu are fine. Shinya: You only play games easier than Momotaro Dentetsu? Aki: I want to take it easy like playing Momotaro Dentetsu and drinking at home. Aren't you doing anything special? Shinya: No. Cameraman: The number of games at Shinya's house is amazing. Boardgames. Aki: I've heard rumors that there is a pool. Shinya: There isn't. Aki: In the best district of Tokyo. Shinya: It's a pond. Aki: With a pool. Cameraman: A pond. Shinya: A house with a pond. Aki: A pond? A pond is still amazing. Cameraman: The ginkgo trees are amazing, right? Shinya: They are amazing in autumn. Aki: I see. I've heard from mutual bandmen friends that Shinya came out wearing one of my tour t-shirts. Cameraman: What about that, Shinya? Shinya: I don't really remember it. Aki: ASH told me. Did ASH ever go to your house? Shinya: Yes. Aki: When I went to Shinya's house, Shinya was wearing Aki's tshirt. It was revealed. Shinya: I probably was in my loungewear. Aki: Did I give it to you? Why do you have it? I'm grateful, though. Cameraman: You went drinking and such quite frequently, right? Aki: Absolutely. We often meet. Even though we don't perform together, we end up at the same places. A long time ago I was the one who made Shinya sing at a karaoke. Cameraman: Eh? Aki: He would never do it, right? Shinya: It was very unusual. Aki: At a certain birthday party a few years ago, it was before corona, though. So there was a party and I also went, we drank quite a bit together and we were having fun. I told him "let's lift the ban, let's break the seal". I was like "let's drink". Telling him that, he sang. Cameraman: Eh? By the way, which song was it? Aki: It was Aku no hana by BUCK-TICK. Cameraman: Eh? Really? Do you remember it? Aki: I do. Shinya: It was after drinking around 100 shots of tequila. Because this person here made me drink a lot. Cameraman: 100 shots of tequila? Shinya: As expected, I was also probably drunk. Aki: It seemed like you had given up. Cameraman: But do you at least remember singing? Shinya: Kind of. Aki: Moreover, he is pretty good at karaoke. He sounded like BUCK-TICK. Cameraman: Eh? Shinya: Because I'm a musician. Aki: Shinya, you absolutely should sing. Shinya: No, no, no, I'm embarrassed, I'm embarrassed. Aki: When I asked, he said he would do it. Cameraman: Drinking 100 shots of tequila is insane, though. Aki: 1 song for 100 tequila shots isn't such a good deal, right? Cameraman: Shinya, aren't you going to escape rooms? Shinya: Yes. Cameraman: You don't go to bars much, right? Aki: He told me about some of those games. I've also played, though. That was definitely fun. Shinya: Ah, really? Aki: Escape rooms were incredibly fun. Shinya: It took you quite some time, though. Aki: Because I'm not that good at this kind of things. Cameraman: What was the situation? Aki: It was like looking at a picture and making associations. It symbolized a whole unit. Shinya: I kept looking for an escape room online and showed it to him. Cameraman: Ah, I see, I see. Aki: Yes, yes, you did. Since for me it was, of course, the first time, I didn't know what to do, how to solve the problems. Problems that even Shinya didn't know from before. We were solving them all together. At that moment, as expected, he solved them fast. Are you used to solving riddles? Shinya: I've been solving them since elementary school. Aki: Is it what you've been doing lately? With your bandmen friends and such. Shinya: There aren't many bandmen with whom I can go to an escape room. Aki: Aaaah. Shinya: So I don't play with them. I lost contact with many bandmen. Cameraman: Because your main focus now are escape rooms, right? Aki: Instead of hanging out with bandmen, you are focused on escape rooms. Shinya: Yes. Aki: So you hang out with those who go there, right? Shinya: Yes, yes. Aki: You are a pro, aren't you? Shinya: I am. Aki: Amazing. Shinya: Oh, this is Mita station. Is Mita station at Tamachi station? Cameraman: Yes, yes. We're almost there. We still have to walk a little to get to Tamachi. Shinya: Do you know that there is another place called Mita? It's nearby. Cameraman: Is there? Shinya: There are two completely different Mitas next to each other. Cameraman: What do you mean? Shinya: That there are 2 different places named Mita. Cameraman: Really? Shinya: A Mita in Minato and a Mita either in Meguro or Shinagawa. Aki: It's unusual to have two places with the same name in the same city, right? In different prefectures, though... Shinya: At first, I was a little confused. Cameraman: Ah, we can see the station! Shinya: We can! That's definitely Tamachi station. Aki: Ah, that's Tamachi! Cameraman: Those are the buildings of Morinaga Milk Industry and such. Shinya: The other side of Tamachi has changed so much in the last 3 years more or less. Cameraman: But it's probably more beautiful now. Shinya: It's more than beautiful, it's totally different. Cameraman: Is it that different? Shinya: Don't you know? Cameraman: It doesn't ring a bell. Shinya: It's totally different. It's astonishingly different. Aki: I don't know how it used to be. I don't know how it used to be, so I can't tell how it changed. But I see. Cameraman: It certainly has become beautiful, though. Shinya: It's on a totally different dimension. Cameraman: As if a whole new district was built? Aki: You are so enthusiastic about it, aren't you? Shinya: I was surprised by it when I went to the studio for rehearsals after a while during the pandemic. Aki: Since you say that it has changed so much, can you please elaborate? Shinya: Yes. Let's finish talking at the other side. Aki: Let's do that. Cameraman: Shinya, should we go to the other side of the station? Shinya: Yes. Aki: Wait, shoes for a stage outfit. Won't we take a look? Is it okay? Shinya: They look pretty good. Aki: They do, right? Shinya: A Rakuten store. It is new. Aki: If it wasn't for this opportunity, I wouldn't have walked around a station that I don't know. I rarely do it, but when I'm walking around, I feel like there are some things here that catch my attention and I want to check. Shinya: There are a lot of interesting things. There is always something. Regarding the things that have changed... Aki: From what to what has it changed? Shinya: It's not that. Cameraman: Because it was on a totally different dimension, right? Shinya: First of all, this didn't exist. This suspended passage thingy. This didn't exist either. That building didn't exist either. Nor that one. Nor the other one. Cameraman: How many years ago are we talking about? Shinya: 3 or 4? Aki: Eeeeh? Cameraman: They were able to do this in 3 or 4 years? Shinya: That thing didn't exist. Cameraman: Right, it looks new. Aki: It has changed completely, hasn't it? Cameraman: Was this here? Shinya: No. Everything above ground level is all new. This here used to be a very dirty street. It's also my first time seeing this properly, though. It's become really amazing. Cameraman: It has. You are excited. Shinya: This sidewalk wasn't this wide, you know? Aki: Certainly. Shinya: It wasn't this wide. This didn't exist either. Cameraman: Incredibly beautiful. Aki: What kind of building is this? Ah, there is a board listing the shops. Shinya: I could live here. Aki: We could. Cameraman: We could, right? Do you want to buy an apartment here? Shinya: I do. Aki: Isn't Gindaco good? I want to eat takoyaki! It's enough already with this building, right? Cameraman: It has anything you need, right? Shinya: There is even a real estate agency. If I ask here, they'll find me a place to live in no time, right? There is also an eye clinic. Cameraman: And a café. Aki: There is more over here! Food is not an issue. Shinya: There is full variety. Cameraman: There is a yakiniku restaurant. Aki: And Starbucks. Shinya: Both Japanese and Western-style cuisine. Aki: The food is fine. Shinya: Is there also a Chinese restaurant? Cameraman: There sure is. Aki: There isn't one? Cameraman: Ah, there was one! Aki: Did you like Chinese food? Shinya: No, not really. Aki: Eeeeh? Shinya: I asked because we were saying that this building has everything. Cameraman: There are two Starbucks. Aki: How can you make the conversation flow so easily from the topic of Chinese food? I love it! How do you do such a thing so easily? I'm shocked. I'm surprised, huh. Cameraman: Shinya, do you want to live here? Shinya: I do. The studio is also nearby. Cameraman: It is. Aki: Now we'll go to Century 21 and ask which kind of properties they have. How would you like it? Shinya: I want the whole building, though. Aki: But this building is all offices, right? You can't go in there. Shinya: I want all of it. Aki: Let's buy it. The S of Station Tower is the S of Shinya? Shinya: Yes. Aki: Tamachi Station Shinya. Shinya: As you'd expect, we've arrived safely. Cameraman: We have! Shinya: How was it? Aki: Well, if it wasn't for this opportunity, I wouldn't do these things in Tokyo, walking from one station to another. Moreover, as a place, since it's an area that I don't visit often, there were some shops that caught my attention, so I'm thinking that I want to come back next time in private with Shinya by all means. Shinya: I fully agree. Aki: Wait, wait. Are you up to it? This is not my corner... Is it okay? Shinya: Yes. Aki: Really? Ah, I'm glad. This is a one-sided love. Cameraman: Shinya, do you also want to go again to Hamamatsuchou and drink with Aki? Shinya: Yes. Aki: I always want. Shinya: Me too. Aki: Let's do it again. You, are you up to it? Shinya: I'm super up to it. Thank you for the taiyaki. Aki: No, sorry about the message. I had so much fun! I would have never thought that I would be able to walk with Shinya, the two of us in this laidback atmosphere. If there is another chance, invite me by all means. Even in a different district, okay? Shinya: Yes. Please, come again by all means. Aki: I would like to go for a walk. Cameraman: Thank you. Shinya: As you'd expect, next time I'll be taking a stroll by myself once again. Then, goodbye!

[harunayuuka2060]

Barbatos: *still feeling guilty about the last incident* MC, about the other day... I think it's better for us to separate rooms for a while.

MC: ...

MC: That's fine with me. Anyway, I will start working for the new employer tomorrow.

Barbatos: Huh? But how about your three-month vacation?

MC: *looks at him with an intense stare* I don't think I will be able to enjoy it after you started avoiding me.

Barbatos: That's because...*looking at the bandage on their neck*

MC: ...

MC: I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable. I'll take my leave. *stood up and walked past him*

Barbatos: ...

----------------------------------------------

Satan: Is Barbatos okay? He looks so down.

Lucifer and Diavolo: ...

Lucifer: Barbatos, where's your spouse?

Barbatos: ...

Barbatos: *tearing up*

Mammon: O-Oi...

Lucifer: I knew this is going to happen.

Diavolo: Why? I don't get it. I didn't see them fight.

Lucifer: I'm sure something happened between them.

Diavolo: Barbatos, you can tell us what's going on. And besides, we're not used to seeing you cry.

Barbatos: MC cancelled their three-month vacation and went working again.

Satan: So... You're being neglected?

Barbatos: No! I did!

Satan: ...

Satan: Sorry. You didn't have to yell at me like that...

Mammon: Let me get this straight. You're crying because your spouse started working which is your fault because you neglected them? Huh?

Barbatos: I can't really say the exact reason since that's our privacy.

Asmo: I bet it was a kink play and you got guilty when the effects of lust subsided.

Barbatos: ...

Asmo: ...

Asmo: Wait. I guessed it right?!

Barbatos: As everyone noticed the bandage on their neck, that was my doing.

Diavolo: Damn. I thought MC just accidentally tripped down the stairs!

Lucifer: Diavolo, where did you put your logic in that?

Mammon: Dude, I suggest you try to talking with them. Ya' know, maybe call them?

Barbatos: They might be busy.

Satan: Did MC tell you that you should never call while they're on duty?

Barbatos: No...

Mammon: Then do it! MC is so understanding and I'm sure you'll be able to clear up the situation!

Barbatos: Okay... I'll do that. Please excuse me for a moment. *walks away*

Them: ...

Asmo: I should've pulled out my phone and recorded while he was crying.

Satan: Do you want to be dead?

---------------------------------------------

MC: *in the middle of piling up the corpses when they received a call from Barbatos*

MC: Hello.

Barbatos: Um, MC? Are you free to talk?

MC: Yes. What is it?

Barbatos: ...

Barbatos: Are you upset about me?

MC: ...

MC: No. Never.

Barbatos: But...

MC: I realized that I should be considerate of you more.

Barbatos: ...

MC: I had made you worried. I will never do that again.

Barbatos: ...

Barbatos: So... Will you still be spending time with me?

MC: Yes.

Barbatos: ...

Barbatos: Can you tell me where you are right now? I want to see you.

MC: I'm about to leave this place. Let's meet somewhere instead.

Barbatos: How about in Ristorante Six?

MC: Okay. I'll be there at 2PM.

Barbatos: Alright. You don't need to rush. I'll wait for you.

MC: Goodbye, dear. See you later.

Barbatos: *in a light mood* Yes. See you later. *hangs up*

MC: ...

MC: How good of you to wait for my conversation to finish before you show up.

*The monsters who served as guards of the place they broke in*

MC: Nobles should start hiring someone capable. The ones you're protecting are already dead.

The monsters: *snarls at them*

MC: *sees one that resembles like an owl* *mutters* I think I'll keep this one alive. I wonder if my husband will like it.

--------------------------------------------

Barbatos: MC! *smiling genuinely at them*

MC: Was I late?

Barbatos: No. You're just on time and... What's that?

MC: An owl.

The monster captive: *flaps its wings to greet Barbatos*

Barbatos: Oh... I like it.

MC: I'm glad. Feeding my blood to it is worth it.

Barbatos: What did you say? *noticed the wound on their neck has been re-opened*

Barbatos: MC, why did you do that?

MC: I want this owl to be loyal to you.

Barbatos: ...

Barbatos: I understand. *pats MC's head*

MC: ...

MC: *holds his hand for him to caress their cheek instead*

Barbatos: *smiles* How about we go to somewhere more private?

MC: That's fine with me.

[gyuwrites]

LAZY DAY

pairing : boyfriend!seungcheol × genderneutral!reader

genre : fluff, non-idol au

warnings : —

rating : sfw

summary : seungcheol who had a day off, wanted to go on a date. however what he planned was ruined when the both of you slept in and missing the time, well it wasn't completely ruined..

w.c : 0.7k

fic is under the cut!

"babe...wake up." you said with a hoarse voice as you shook him. him still looking dead as ever, you ended up not bothering him. you looked around, looking like you can't process where you were at. your hand made its way to your phone as if you knew where it was and you checked the time.

you paid no attention to it at first, lowering your phone and stared at your sleeping boyfriend, entranced by his calm sleeping face. that's when it hit you, the both of you missed your scheduled date. it was 2 in afternoon and you both were still in bed.

"babe...cheol...wake up, we missed our date. are you even alive ?" you shook him harder and he woke up, with a gasped as if he couldn't breath.

"huh...huh ? why..what...what happened ? did someone came in ? did someone tried to rob us ?" he looked around, defence mode on. you laughed, mainly because of how dumb he looked right now, his bed hair and sleepy face made him look like a small animal that needed to be taken care of.

"no one is here, it's just the two of us, cheol. what i meant was we missed our date." he looked at you with an unreadable expression. does he not remember our date? you stared at him while he stared back at you.

"wait...oh our date! wait...we're late? we're late!" you laughed as he panicked. you fell back to your shared bed as you laughed harder.

"hey..stop laughing! we're late!"

"we already missed it, it's 2pm. now come join me."

"oh we did and 2pm? damn it, i was looking forward to our date." he sulked as he walked to you. seungcheol is a man who enjoyed dates, whether if it's a long date or a short quick date, mainly because he wanted you to be by his side most of the time.

however, because of his work at the office, his schedule has been packed...sometimes he couldn't even eat because he had so many papers to do. in fact, he comes home by 12am or later and the next day he's gone by 6am so technically you wouldn't see him at all unless you stay up until 12am or later

his boss gave him a day off because he saw how seungcheol's dark circles were getting darker and him falling asleep and waking up with a paper stuck onto his face. he's the top 1 worker there anyways

seungcheol who knew he was sort of neglecting his partner, planned a whole date just for him to pamper you with love and affections that were missing.

"let's become sloths and do nothing."

"lazy day it is." he said as he pulled you closer to him by the waist. you stared at him, admiring his features as he caressed your cheek.

"sorry for not making it up to you" although you did felt sort of lonely when he was busy with work but you understand where he's coming from. yeah, you did work but at a café and your shifts starts at 8am to 3pm. after your shift, you'd pretty much be at home or buying groceries (if there's nothing in the fridge) so you weren't as busy as your boyfriend.

"it's alright. your presence makes up everything." cheesy ? maybe but who cares. if it makes him feel better—

"but still, think of how many things we could be doing right now?"

...maybe not.

you watched as he sulked. you knew he enjoyed all the dates he goes with you so seeing him sulk because of the missed date is nothing new. it has happened a few times...

"it's fine, i promise. we could do many things at home too, you know."

"like ?"

"uhh...sleep ?" you answered, not quite knowing what to do other than sleeping. it has been awhile since you both had a lazy day. most of the time, the two of you would just lay in bed, order food and watch some netflix movies.

"let's just watch netflix, order food, and let the day go by own its own while we're in our own world. but for now, let's get ready for the day, our breath smells." you laughed, slowly getting out of bed, put on your cute bear slippers and ran to the bathroom

"dibs on the bathroom!"

"hey! you take long showers. give me five minutes and i'll be done, come on!" he whined as he held your wrist, preventing you from going inside.

"no can do, babe." you teased and removed his grasp on you and shut the bathroom door. you heard him groan and fell onto your shared bed as you giggled.

"now i wonder what time you're gonna come out."

[alloutshirt]

yes im debating if i should wake up at 6 for harry

[ofmurphys]

✰ –– hero coffee roasters. 2pm, on a tuesday.

this bitch wants a frappu-fuckin’-ccino. murphy blinks and pastes on a smile. jesus. fake-owning this shithole’s getting real old these days. “ oh, hun, of course i can improvise that sugar rush for you. don’t even fret it. we totally keep vats of that fake java just lying around. ”  honestly, murph can’t tell what’s worse –– the fact that this cardboard cutout vsco girl even asked, or the fact that she actually believes her.

hero coffee roasters loses a customer that day. as the doorbell jingles shut with the force of the girl’s slam, murphy pops a redhot into her mouth and chews. does nothing to hide her growing smirk. yeah, yeah. 

good riddance.

or alternatively :  hey demons, it’s me, ya gurl !  back at it again with my very snakey shadow gorl. click that read more to learn about this gorgeous amoral piece of ass. i’m trying out a new intro format, so... bear with me !  i hope y’all enjoy, and pls hmu on discord for plots !  

murph is... straight up trouble. so if you want drama ?  you want bullshit & compulsive lies ?  you want ill-founded rage with no apologies later ?  you’ve come to the right place .

this is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world . . .   just kidding. murphy berman doesn’t shed tears for shit.

— && guests may mistake me as ( zoe kravitz ), but really i am ( murphy berman + cisfemale + she/her ) and my DOB is ( 11/7/1994 ). i am a ( “ coffee shop owner ” ) and would like to stay in suite ( 306 ). i won’t be much of a bother because i am ( + cunning & fierce ), but i can also be ( - acetous & cutthroat ) at times. personally, i like to ( code, flick gum wrappers at pigeons, bring my pet turtle to the movies, sit back and watch shit burn ) when i have the time to relax, and my favorite snack is ( those purple doritos, y'know. chili or whatever the fuck  ) to have in my suite. thank you for checking in !

i n s p o .

coffee shop –– hero coffee roasters.

pinterest.

soundcloud –– soul sounds.

soul anthem.

b a c k d r o p .  ( tw: drug mentions, alcoholic tendencies, alcohol, crime, allusions to domestic violence, violence, murder. )

2am, bar’s closed. but braids still sits, forearms draped atop the counter, shades askew. as you restock new handles, she raises a finger, like she might say something, then pours herself another bourbon. cutting her off is the least of your worries –– it doesn’t take a genius to tell this cookie can handle her own. and the shit she’s spewing ?  something tells you this has never been aired before.

“ so picture the fuck outta this, bub. ”  a swig.  “ you’re born and before you even got the wherewithal to speak, you’re shipped off to some graham cracker family in the  ‘ burbs. you start leapfrogging –– my term, tee-em –– ”  a tattooed finger traces the symbol into the air accordingly. “ and after a while, it’s a game. hop a house, stay a while, see how much of their shit you can pocket. ”  nostalgic sighs accompany a litany of stolen goods :  cash. jewelry. first edition tetris game, hand-fuckin’-held. the hoopers’ prized gold kazoo.

don’t believe her ?  onto black marble slides proof. 

“ then you land. hard. the fuckin’ landry’s. ”  a scornful chuckle. “ miss me with that white picket fence ass shit. but they get you your first comp, so... when they ask to adopt you, you’re like. i dunno, man. sure, i guess ?  and guess wrong. ”  turns out the landry’s aren’t as warm or welcoming as they claim. their youngest kid dies, freak accident. monkey bars. “ family falls apart worse than that time you tried to make a ball from fresh cigarette ash. you were eleven. ”  tattooed over the scar.

braids tells you ‘bout the party being over. the bruising. but she laughs through it, rolls her eyes like she’s talking ‘bout silly old friends instead of terrible old people.

her birth mother finds her. they meet up a few times in a local park, whisks her away when she’s twelve. is it kidnapping ?  technically, who gives a fuck. they lived low. under the radar. in apartments above dive bars. spent a summer breaking into parked cars. finally landed with j.j., who turned out to just be a glorified drug mule.

“ new york was fine to me. y’know, fucked off in school. kid shit. ”  she shrugs. you won’t know it, but she’ll astutely sidestep the fact that she hacked her first global system at 14. she won’t mention she started accepting paypal offers from obscure reddit threads two weeks later. by 17, she was contracting independently –– a business venture, she’d tell her high school counselor, assigned to keep her from winding up on the streets. 

matty, her best friend since the move to new york, decided to kiss her silly after trying shrooms. she liked it. told him maybe he could do that more often.

“ he cleaned up, ”  braids purses her lips. “ after high school. stopped messing with his crowd. our crowd. ”  she grabs two stirrers from a container dangerously close to your hand. taps ‘em on the counter like she’s stomping out mini fires. “ let him put a ring on me. y’know make bey proud. ”

she won’t mention that while matty gets a job as a cook at a bougie french restaurant, she continued to deal with devils. woman in her high castle. under the guise of cpu-based tetris and a whole lot of freelance web design.

but then roosevelt savings bank gets robbed. and they somehow trace the ip back to her.

it’s an easy mishap to shake. showed ‘em the websites. the code. the computer usage logs. the blues believe her, but matty...

“ trust issues. sad, huh ?  thought i was fucking around behind his back. ”  with criminals.

“ and then shit gets good, homie. we’re tasting stupid fucking cake. red velvet... ”  cue a laugh. bitter. the stirrers stop tapping. “ then i meet aamina and everything goes to shit. i brought it up, you know. like. hey, your fiancée might be a little bit into pussy. ”

for the first time all night, her eyes meet yours. and it’s only then you realize... there’s some heavy fuckin’ sadness swimming in those baby browns. worlds pass through them. alternative stories –– where matty wasn’t high. where he didn’t reach for the knife.

“ he lost it. ”  silence. she looks away. “ anyway. ”  she launches into why chicago –– why she studied pre-law for two years before tossing in the towel. because “ fuck a judge, man. ” and she’s into the finer things in life.  ( she struck you as an arts type. what with the glasses. the vintage band tee worn like a dress. maybe you get a glimmer of pride knowing you were right. she won’t mention that the whole thing’s a farce. )

she launches into why a coffee shop. she’ll tell you the beautiful thing about coffee is it takes no shit. she’ll tell you owning a place gets fuckin’ wild, but she’s in it for the free java and coffee-themed booze. a perk all hourly baristas like her enjoy.  “ and we made that top list or whatever. of fly places here.  an honor. i’d like to thank god, and also jesus. which i hope you know are my boys bazzi and frank ocean. ”  

you’ll google hero coffee roasters later. and find its registered owner goes by brian tubolino. but hey, maybe she’s married.

when braids finally decides it’s time to go, sunlight’s nipping at chicago’s heels.

“ you chill if i ... ? ”  before you can answer, she’s takin’ a swig straight from the half-finished bottle of bourbon. picks it up and cradles it under one arm, precious cargo. 

“ souvenir, man. in remembrance of you. ” 

[pug-bitch]

That’s not why I’m going (6)

5 o’clock somewhere

Book: The Royal Romance

Pairing: Drake Walker x Amara Suarez

Rating: some foul language, some suggestive, otherwise PG!

Word count: 2,490

Notes: This starts with Drake’s POV, the morning after the derby. I’m starting to drop huge hints about Amara’s backstory, because I can’t help myself...

*****

Drake had set his alarm for 6 am, just in case. He gently pushes Amara’s head back onto the pillow, looks at her as she winces a bit.

‘Go back to sleep, Suarez,’ he whispers, planting a small kiss on her forehead. He couldn’t help but smile.

Before heading out, he finds a little piece of paper on her desk and quickly scribbles his number. Underneath, he writes: ‘Text whenever. Good luck today.’

Back in his room, he starts getting ready, a smile still plastered on his face. He’d have to knock it off real quick, at least before his breakfast with Liam. He’d have to take a shower, too. He still smelled like her, after a whole night of holding her in his arms.

Damn, he couldn’t stop thinking about her.

*****

‘Good morning, Lady Amara.’

She was already awake, and thank God, because she was able to find Drake’s note with his phone number before anyone else could.

Especially since it was Bertrand waking her up for once.

‘Good morning, Duke Ramsford.’

She found it ridiculous that he insisted on her using the proper title whenever possible, but she complied. She was familiar with authority and hierarchies. She didn’t love it, but she saw its value. She always had, especially because of her old job. Plus, it made Bertrand happy, and when he was happy, he stayed off her case.

‘Good, you’re awake,’ he says. ‘You need to get ready. You have a tea party with the other suitors, and later, you will all be taken to the croquet game with the Queen. Any questions?’

‘No, Your Grace.’

Bertrand flashes an excited smile. ‘Great. Now hurry. You need to swing by the boutique before brunch.’

He leaves promptly. Amara rolls her eyes. What a weird guy, she thought. She couldn’t believe that he and Max were brothers. They didn’t seem to have anything in common, which had never been her experience with siblings.

She steps out of bed, thinks for a second, and grabs her phone. Too eager? No. It would just be so he had her number, too. She sends her message and starts getting ready.

*****

Drake puts his phone back in his pocket, still smiling. He’d reply later, he didn’t want to appear too eager. Liam waves at him from the balcony. Drake shouts ‘Sorry, I’m late! I’ll be right up.’

He climbs up the stairs faster than ever. It was obvious that he had a spring in his step.

‘Drake, come take a seat!’ Liam says. ‘I’m surprised to see you in such a good mood, you sounded quite drunk on the phone last night. Did you get a good night’s sleep?’

Drake realizes he should be a slightly better actor and says ‘Oh, I slept pretty well I guess. I wasn’t drunk last night, just...tired.’

Liam nods, but Drake can tell he doesn’t quite believe him. After a long pause, Liam asks him the question that he was dreading: ‘Did you happen to see Amara last night? I never heard back from you.’

‘Yeah,’ Drake says, trying to sound as cool as possible. ‘I went over to check on her, she was fine. She had just finished skyping with her roommate. See, she didn’t lie to you.’

‘I’m glad,’ Liam continues, without breaking eye contact. ‘Still, there was something weird about her demeanor last night. I thought about it, and it really seemed as if she didn’t expect me to be there. I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I see only one reason.’

Drake audibly gulps. So that’s it, huh. He’s busted.

‘She must have thought someone else wrote her the note,’ Liam adds. ‘One of the other suitors, to mess with her.’

Drake had to fight his urge to roll his eyes. What? Was Liam that self-absorbed that THIS was the only reason he could see to Amara not expecting him? Damn. He had never noticed how cocky Liam was. He chooses to nod silently.

‘See,’ Liam pursues, ‘I knew Olivia could be tough, so can Kiara, and I should have been more careful about Amara being left by herself among these ladies who are pissed about a commoner entering the competition.’

‘Honestly, Liam, I think you’re reading too much into this. I saw Amara and Olivia interact the other day and they seem to get along just fine. I’m sure Amara was just tired and she was surprised that you summoned her.’

‘Summoned? Come on, it wasn’t like that. I asked her out! And she came, but stayed like five minutes.’

‘Asked? I don’t recall seeing any questions on that note.’ He stops in his tracks. Fuck. He wasn’t supposed to read the note. Liam raises his eyebrows, visibly shocked.

‘Oh, you read it?’

‘I mean, I placed it on her desk, so I glanced at it.’

Liam takes a sip of his coffee, without a word.

‘You give me a menial task and then you complain when I’m not a perfect little servant?’ Drake can feel himself getting angry. He needs to calm down. It wasn’t Liam’s fault that he was conflicted. But still, he feels like a lackey, when he’s supposed to feel like a friend.

‘It’s ok, Drake,’ Liam says softly. ‘I can admit that my note was a tad direct, and that I wasn’t really asking. But she was free not to show up.’

Thank God, Drake thought. ‘Yeah. Well, maybe she felt like it was a bit intrusive of you to send someone to her bedroom to drop off a note. But then again, we could sit here all day speculating about how she felt. I can tell you that I saw her last night and--’ ...and she’s a really good kisser. ‘And she was fine.’

‘Ok. Thank you. Did she mention anything about our rendezvous?’

Drake couldn’t believe what his friend was asking. What was he, fifteen? ‘No. Sorry, Li. She didn’t. But to be fair, I didn’t stay long. I checked on her and left her be.’

‘Alright. Thank you. And I’m sorry you felt like I was giving you a menial task.’ Oh. What a heartfelt apology. ‘You’re the only one I can trust and I really like this woman. I’m just eager to see her, that’s all.’

Eager, or pushy? Drake smiles, hoping Liam changes the subject.

‘So Drake, anything new in your love life?’

Oh fuck. Here we go. ‘Nah. I’m not looking for anything right now anyway.’

*****

‘What did you say your last name was, Lady Amara?’

They had just finished playing croquet and had started the picnic with the Queen, along with the new, surprise suitor, an icy blonde named Madeleine. Some of the other women seemed to know her, and Amara would have to ask Maxwell or Olivia about her later. Why did the bitch need to know her last name?

‘Suarez.’

‘Oh, how exotic,’ Madeleine replies, still squinting at her, sipping her tea.

Exotic? What the fuck did that mean? Amara shared a knowing look with Hana, whom she was half-expecting Madeleine to call ‘Oriental’, next. What was up with this colonialist shit?

But Amara merely smiled, not wanting to lose her composure. She was doing so well with Queen Regina, she didn’t want to screw up, especially for Maxwell and Bertrand’s sake. It sounded silly, but she really didn’t want them to regret choosing her to represent House Beaumont, even though she had no interest in Liam at all.

‘So, Lady Amara,’ Madeleine continues, ‘where did you go to school?’

‘I went to NYU, Lady Madeleine.’

‘Oh, how American.’ Amara almost laughed at this one. Yeah, NYU is American, because it’s in America. No shit, Sherlock. Madeleine continues: ‘And what did you study?’

Amara hesitated. With her last name, her alma mater and her major, Madeleine could find out a little too much, but she also didn’t want to lie and claim a major that she did not have. So, she told the truth.

‘Criminal Justice.’

Everyone went silent, but Amara noticed Olivia’s smirk. Of course she would enjoy that.

Thankfully, they changed the subject and started talking about politics, Queen Regina obviously testing the ladies. Amara felt like she was doing well, and Hana’s approving, proud looks reassured her. She really lucked out when she met her, she thought.

After the event, Amara spotted Maxwell waiting for her. She was happy, but at the same time, it strangely felt like her dad was picking her up from preschool, and that was a tad infantilizing. But it was always good to see Maxwell, and it always brought a smile to her lips.

‘Amara! How about some coffee? You too, Hana, if you wish.’

Olivia passes by and, without making eye contact with anybody, just says: ‘Coffee is for weaklings. Let’s get drunk.’ She grabs Amara by the elbow and guides her.

‘It’s 2pm!’ Hana protests.

‘It’s 5 o’clock somewhere!’ Maxwell says, excitedly.

*****

‘Another, Suarez?’

Amara nods, and Olivia heads to the bar to order another round. Hana, a true lightweight, is already giggling, while Maxwell is about to hop on the table.

‘Amara,’ whispers Maxwell, ‘since when are you BFFs with Olivia? I hate to say this, but I feel really cool.’

‘I wouldn’t say we’re BFFs, but we had a couple of moments, y’know. She’s not that bad.’

‘Growing up, she scared me a little, but now, I have to say, she scares me a lot. I’m glad you managed to tame her a bit. But I’m just wondering, why didn’t she offer ME another round?’

‘She didn’t offer me one either,’Hana squeals, thus proving that she really doesn’t need another at all.

‘Hana, honey,’ Amara says, squeezing her friend’s arm, ‘how about some water, huh?’

Olivia comes back with the drinks and looks at Maxwell. He seems to shudder. ‘So, Beaumont, did you know about Madeleine?’

‘What about her?’

‘She joined the competition today. She was at the croquet game bullshit, with Queen Regina, who obviously favors her. Isn’t that fucked up?’

Maxwell’s jaw drops. ‘Seriously? Is that even allowed?’

‘Who cares? Whatever Queen Regina wants, Queen Regina gets. Same goes for fucking Madeleine.’

‘Um, are you guys gonna tell us who Madeleine is? I can’t take the suspense anymore,’ Amara interrupts.

Olivia takes a sip from her cocktail and starts talking. ‘Madeleine was in the previous competition. She was engaged to Liam’s brother, Leo. But he didn’t want to be with her, or to be King, apparently, so he abdicated, broke the engagement, and ran away with some bitch on a cruise ship. That’s why Liam, who’s not the first child, is set to be King after Constantine. Madeleine comes from a powerful family, she is Countess of Fydelia, and also Queen Regina’s niece.’

Hana makes a horrified face. Olivia quickly adds: ‘It’s not a Game of Thrones situation. Regina is not Leo and Liam’s biological mother.’

‘Right, I knew that,’ Hana says hastily. ‘I just forgot for a second and it really...grossed me out.’

‘Well,’ Olivia continues, ‘it’s not unheard of in Cordonia, or in Europe for that matter. That’s kinda how monarchy works. In any case, now you know. She was pissed when the engagement broke, not so much because she wanted Leo, but more so because she really wants the crown.’ She downs the rest of her cocktail and, in the same movement, gets back up to get another.

‘Jeez, this woman is a machine,’ Maxwell whispers.

Hana nods furiously.

‘I’ll be right back, guys,’ Amara says.

She joins Olivia at the bar, sits next to her, and asks ‘Are you ok?’

‘Yep.’

‘Come on, Olivia. I know it’s not a coincidence that you took everyone here for drinks on the very day Madeleine makes her debut.’

Olivia sighs. ‘Fine. It pisses me off. She just waltzes in and everyone is ok with it.’

‘Not everyone. I didn’t care for her little pointed comments, and I know Hana didn’t either.’

Olivia scoffs. ‘I didn’t mean you. I meant the Royal family. It’s totally rigged, now it’s obvious Liam is gonna choose her.’

‘No! I can’t see Liam liking someone like that.’

‘Sweet summer child. You think it’s up to Liam now? Before the bitch showed up, I would have agreed with you. The very fact that you’re here proves that Liam had some sort of agency. But the Queen brought her niece back to the competition, and that means she’s about to take control. Game over.’ She gives Amara a long, pointed look. ‘Not that you care.’

Amara raises her eyebrows. ‘What makes you say that?’

‘For starters, your Walker boner is showing.’

Amara chuckles. There’s nothing she can say to that.

‘Alright, let’s go back to your two kids over there. Lee is about to pass out.’ Olivia shakes her head. ‘After two measly cocktails. Shame.’

*****

Amara plops onto her bed, her head slightly spinning. She’s getting really concerned that she might end up with an alcohol problem.

She looks inside the bag of groceries she just bought. Thank God for Maxwell who was still sober enough to take her to the store. She needed normal and comfort food, not just courtly finger sandwiches. She realizes she’s actually complaining about free food, but oh well.

A few bags of candy, some instant mac and cheese, granola bars, grapes, apples, potato chips. Perfect for a depressed teen, with a hint of fruit.

She looks further into the bag, to the item she carefully hid from Maxwell at checkout. She hadn’t felt ashamed of buying condoms since she was, what, seventeen? She quickly puts the box in her nightstand. There, she thinks, now she can relax and she won’t have to think about it until she...does.

Alright. She sits back in her bed, and fires up her computer to look for some music to play. For the first time today, she feels truly relaxed. Madeleine’s presence was irritating, sure, but at least it would help keep Liam at arm’s length, since his stepmother would make him give Madeleine some attention.

She grabs her phone, looks at her missed calls, but she won’t call back, not tonight. No, that’s not what she’s looking for in her phone.

The text from Drake, the one he sent her while she was at the bar, is what she goes back to.

Hope croquet wasn’t too tedious. Let me know if you get bored.

She smiles. When was the last time she re-read a text ten times? She would feel pathetic, except that she felt so fucking light.

*****

Drake is in his bed, reading Annie Proulx’s Accordion Crimes for the millionth time. If anybody asks, he’ll say it’s a coincidence.

His phone buzzes. Funny how his phone now mattered to him, when he didn’t give a shit about it, just yesterday.

He grabs it a little too fast, a little too eagerly. His heart beats faster upon reading the message, and a giant smile appears on his face.

Wanna come over?

*****

Taglist:

@andy-loves-corgis , @drakewalkerwhipped , @drakxwalker , @drakewalkerrosenberg , @drakeswalkers , @drakelover78 , @silviasutton1989 , @jovialyouthmusic , @drakeandcamilleofvaltoria , @mariahschoices , @drakesensworld , @thequeenofcronuts , @notoriouscs , @drakewalkerisreal

Thank you for your encouragements, everyone! Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist :)

[octoberdecemberwrites-blog]

Untitled Coffee-Shop AU?

“Did you just call me Magnus?”

A beautiful blonde sat across from Alec, now wearing a disgusted expression on his face. “Alec, what the fuck?”

“I…um…I…” Alec tried to cover for himself, but it was no use.

An unforgivable mistake had been made.

And it was all Magnus Bane’s fault.

Alec narrowed his eyes over at Magnus, who was dutifully pouring coffee behind the counter. He hadn’t even noticed Alec when he’d walked in with his date…

Or at least he was pretending not to notice.

Alec had specifically chosen the Witchlight Café on Main Street for his first date with Not Magnus. He’d known that Magnus would be on shift, since it was around 2PM in the afternoon. And in about an hour or so, Magnus was going to need a ride back to his apartment. Typically, that’d be Alec’s job, happily escorting Magnus all around the city—

Until Alec fucked the fuck up.

******************

They’d been hanging out in Magnus’ living room, lying side by side on his couch. Alec specifically remembered running his fingers through Magnus’ hair, as Magnus kept his head firmly rested against Alec’s chest.

Alec’s phone alarm had gone off for the umpteenth time, reminding him that he needed to start studying for his final exams. He’d been giddily procrastinating with Magnus Bane in his arms for hours, but if he didn’t leave the apartment soon, he’d end up pulling yet another all-nighter…

And it would be his third all-nighter in a row.

“Gotta’ go.” Alec had whispered the words into Magnus’ ear, before shifting away from him on the couch. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Don’t go.” Magnus shamelessly pouted, as he sat up in his seat. He rested his elbow against the couch fabric, while blowing out a heavy breath. “Stay.”

“Magnus, I need to study.” Alec offered him a smirk, as he bent to kiss Magnus’ forehead. “I’ll text you when I get home.”

“Studying’s for losers.” Magnus’ tone was playful, and he followed up his phrase with a conspicuous whine. “Who told you college was a good idea, anyway?”

“Yeah, well, we can’t all be baristas. Some of us need to be able to do more than brew a pot of coffee.” Alec joked back with Magnus, his face still set in a wide grin—

Before he noticed that Magnus’ frame had gone completely still.

“Magnus? What’s wrong?”

“That was a pretty fucked up thing to say, Lightwood.” 

“What? What did I say?”

“We can’t all be baristas? Some of us need to be able to do more than brew a pot of coffee? Do you really think that’s all I do?” Magnus scoffed, as he stood away from the couch. “I actually have to work for a living, you know. Didn’t have the luxury of rich parents to pay my way through life.” 

“Magnus, come on. That’s not what I meant. I was just kidding.” Alec moved to gently place his hands on Magnus’ waist. “I know that’s not all you do—”

“Do you think you’re smarter than me?”

“Yes.” Alec quickly answered Magnus’ question, without a second of hesitation. “But why does that matter? I like you, Magnus, just the way you are—”

“Aww.” Magnus gave Alec a faux smile, before he pushed Alec away from him, entirely. “Thank you for liking the dumb barista. You’re a real saint. A real genius.”

“Magnus—”

“You should go home. Gotta’ study for your finals, right? You don’t want to end up like me. You don’t want to end up a dumb barista.” Magnus brought his hands towards his cheeks, as he feigned a horrified expression.

“Magnus—”

“Go home, Lightwood.” Magnus dropped his horrified act, before emphatically pointing towards his front door. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Baby…” Alec took a step towards Magnus—

But Magnus just rolled his eyes, as he headed off to his apartment’s kitchen.

*****************************

And that was the last time Magnus had actually said a word to Alec, whether in person or through text.

It’d been nearly a week since then, and Alec was getting antsy. He and Magnus had never solidified their relationship, with neither one of them bringing up the “boyfriend” label. Alec had just assumed that they’d naturally stop seeing other people, as they grew closer and closer to committing to each other—

Until he’d come into Witchlight last night for a quick drink, only to see Magnus openly flirting with a rather gorgeous brunette. The woman had wild, blue streaks in her waist-length hair, and her brown skin perfectly matched the gold jewelry that draped from her neck and ears. She was making Magnus brightly laugh at her every other word, and Alec could tell that it was Magnus’ real laugh, not just the one he put on for his customers. Alec could easily imagine them as an immensely happy couple. He had visions of them tightly holding hands as they left the coffee-shop after-hours...

And the thought caused Alec’s heart to shatter in his chest.

But, instead of dwelling on the fact that Magnus had so breezily gotten over their time together, Alec decided that if Magnus Bane was ready to move on, then Alec Lightwood was going to move on, too—

Even though it seemed like his brain was still stuck on the busy barista behind the counter.

“Yeah, sorry about that, Josh.” Alec finally came up with a reply to his date, who was still staring daggers at his head. “Magnus is just—”

“The cute bi guy at Witchlight, yeah, I’ve heard of him.” Josh let out a hearty laugh. “Everyone’s heard of him, Alec. Although, I think it’s more of a Look, Don’t Touch situation.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Uh, didn’t you just hear me?” Josh sighed with an exaggerated air. “Alec, he’s bi. Which is code for not to be trusted. Guys like him just say they’re bi so they can fuck anything that moves. He’s probably a serial cheater, too. They always are.”

“Oh. Right. Got it.” Alec nodded in understanding, before pulling his chair away from the table. “This date’s over.”

“What the hell? We just got here—”

“Yeah, but you’re an asshole, so…” Alec lightly shrugged, as he gave his date a barely-there wave. “No, thanks.”

“Oh my God. Seriously?” Josh took a slow sip of his coffee. “You’re really going to ditch our date? Because I told you the truth about bi guys? Get a grip, Lightwood.”

“Get a grip…get a grip…” Alec pretended to mull the words over in his head—

Before he gripped onto his own cup of iced coffee—

And was soon pouring its contents into Josh’s unsuspecting lap.

“What the fuck! What the fuck!” Josh jumped away from the table, his face flushing a deep red. “Fuck you, Alec Lightwood!” Josh flipped Alec the bird, as he made his way to the coffee-shop's bathroom.

Alec calmly placed his now empty coffee cup down on the table, as he shot a look back over at Magnus—

Magnus’ eyes were laser-focused on the scene unfolding in front of him, and Alec could tell that Magnus was beaming from ear to ear—

But once Magnus’ gaze caught on Alec’s, Magnus hastily put on a stoic expression, as he prudently went back to work.

******************************

It was the end of Magnus’ shift, and Alec was hovering a bit too close to the counter.

He was waiting for Magnus to come out the back, retiring his Witchlight uniform for his typical set of clothing.

As Magnus emerged from the back of the store, Alec walked up to his side, following him right out of the coffee-shop.

Magnus didn’t seem to notice Alec’s presence, as he kept his attention focused on the path ahead of him.

“Magnus? Magnus?” Alec coughed a few times, making sure to keep in pace with Magnus’ every step. “Magnus, hey.”

Magnus stopped in his tracks, slowly turning his face towards Alec’s. “Yeah? Something I can help you with?”

“Magnus. Please.” Alec was trying his best not to sound desperate, but he could hear his desperation seeping into his tone. “Please, just talk to me. I mean…if it’s not too late…”

“Too late?” Magnus quirked a perfectly manicured eyebrow over at Alec.

“Yeah…I uh…I saw you with…your girlfriend…last night? The girl with the blue hair?” Alec offered up the information, as he nervously bounced on his heels. “Is she…is she going to give you a ride home or—”

“Catarina?” Magnus couldn’t help but smirk, while a laugh bubbled through his chest. “My girlfriend?”

Magnus’ laugh tore through his entire body now, as it only grew louder and louder. “Oh my God. Oh my God. Alec, is that why you were on a date with that asshole? You thought I was already seeing someone else?”

“You’re not?” Alec’s voice was lined with hope, and he found himself taking a step closer towards Magnus. “Oh, thank fuck.”

“Where’d you even find that guy?” Magnus shook his head in confusion, before he took a step closer to Alec, too. “HotGuysWhoHateBis.com?”

Alec thoroughly chuckled, as he instinctively wrapped his arms around Magnus’ sides. “He’s just a guy from one of my classes. He’s been trying to ask me out for a while, but I was…preoccupied.”

Alec then took a moment to read Magnus’ body language, searching for any sign of discomfort or unease—

And when he didn’t find any warning signs, he bent to gingerly press a kiss on Magnus’ forehead. “I missed you, Magnus.”

“I’m still mad at you.” Magnus’ voice was soft and barely audible. “I get enough shit from the customers here. I don’t need you thinking my job is pointless, too.”

“I don’t think your job is pointless…”

“Yeah, but you don’t respect it, either.” Magnus sighed, as he moved away from Alec’s hold. “Which makes me feel pretty shitty. I respect you, Lightwood. Even when you fall asleep with your English paper barely finished…and then you wake up the next day so proud of yourself for somehow writing a paper in your goddamn sleep.”

“I didn’t think I wrote it in my sleep! I just figured I’d gotten more written than I initially thought—” Alec stopped himself mid-sentence, his eyes suddenly going wide with the realization. “Wait. That was you? You finished my paper for me?”

“Yep. I guess those two years of community college served me pretty well, huh?” Magnus smiled up at Alec, as he folded his arms over his chest. “I had to drop out, though. Ran out of cash. Decided to get a job and save up for another semester or two.”

“Magnus, I…” Alec didn’t exactly know what to say, now feeling a sense of extreme embarrassment. “I didn’t know—”

“Whatever.” Magnus blew out a loud raspberry, while quietly shuffling on the pavement. “What I’m saying is, you’re not smarter than me, Lightwood. You’re just richer. Never get those two things confused. Ever again.”

Alec firmly nodded, keeping his eyes trained on Magnus. “I won’t. I’m sorry. I’ll never say anything that fucking stupid. Ever again.”

“Okay…” Magnus clicked his tongue against his teeth, with his gaze kept towards the ground. “Um…did you want to…maybe drive me home? I mean, it’s whatever. I was just going to call an Uber or something—”

Alec chose not to respond with his words, instead taking Magnus’ hand into his own palm—

And silently heading for the Witchlight parking lot.

**********************

Magnus and Alec were back on Magnus’ familiar, living room couch.

Something on Magnus’ TV was playing, a show that featured a quite heavy laugh-track—

But Alec really wasn’t paying too much attention to it.

He was watching Magnus as he chewed through the last bite of his slice of pizza. Once the slice was successfully eaten, Magnus openly licked pizza crumbs off his fingers, softly humming under his breath with each lick of his skin…

It reminded Alec of the soft hum Magnus so often made while he was taking Alec in his mouth…

Alec’s mind gradually drifted to exceptionally graphic memories, particularly ones of Magnus confidently sucking Alec’s cock—

“Are you done?” Magnus was pointing towards the pizza box, as he licked another one of his fingers. “Do you want me to put the rest in the fridge? Or did you want to take it home or something?”

“I don’t…I’m not…” As Alec snapped back into reality, he came to an immediate conclusion. “Magnus, I don’t want you to eat pizza with anyone else.”

“What?” Magnus’ confusion showed through his tone. “What does that even mean—”

“Boyfriend.” Alec shifted towards Magnus, nearly pulling him into his lap. “Be mine. Be my boyfriend.”

Magnus nodded, as he hooked his leg over Alec’s thigh, now straddling Alec’s waist. “Yes. Okay. Yeah. Sure. Yes.”

“Really? I thought, after the whole, um, dumb barista thing…I didn’t know if you’d want to be with me—”

“Alec, are you serious? You dumped your perfectly good cup of coffee into a guy’s lap. Just because he was talking shit about me.” Magnus grinned, as he leaned towards Alec. “You defended my honor. You’re obviously boyfriend material…even if you are a little full of yourself.”

“Hmm…full of myself…” Alec grabbed onto Magnus’ side, taking in a shallow breath. “You wanna’ be full of me, too?”

“Alec.” Magnus groaned, and his eyes closed with a wince. “Alec, that was such a bad line. Oh my God. That was painful.”

Magnus took a few more seconds to recover from the awfulness of Alec’s line—

Before he pushed his hips against Alec’s, purposely grinding down into him. “You’re lucky you’re so fucking cute.”

Alec’s hands were already at the hem of Magnus’ jeans, trying to force the fabric down. “These…these need to come off…now.”

“As you wish.” Magnus moved away from Alec’s hips, smoothly pulling down his jeans. Magnus reached for Alec’s pants soon after, until they were both solely in their respective boxers and t-shirts.

Magnus moved back into place against Alec, once again grinding his hips against Alec’s...

Alec moaned at the sensation of Magnus’ length pushing at the fabric of his boxers, so casually rubbing against the clothed shaft of Alec’s now hard cock.

Magnus continued to push against Alec, letting out little whimpers of pleasure as he rested his head on Alec’s shoulder. “Alec…it feels so good…”

“Hold on…I can make it feel even better…” Alec licked a broad stripe along his palm—

Before reaching down into Magnus’ boxers, and taking hold of his cock.

Alec’s strokes of Magnus’ shaft were firm yet uneven, his concentration being totally blown by Magnus’ indecent moaning.

When Alec could hear Magnus’ breath beginning to hitch in his throat—

He pulled his hand away from Magnus entirely.

“What? No, no, no. Please.” Magnus whined, as he reached for Alec’s hand. “I was so close.”

“I know.” Alec smiled back at Magnus. “Stay right here.” 

Alec carefully moved Magnus off his lap, as he momentarily stepped out of the room.

Magnus continued on with his whining, the noise only growing louder the longer Alec was out of his eyesight.

When Alec returned to the living room with lube in his hand, Magnus grabbed the bottle and briskly removed his own boxers. “Hold on. Let me just—”

“No. Hands and knees. “ Alec nodded towards the couch, and Magnus quickly followed Alec’s command.

“Open.” Alec cautiously kneeled behind Magnus, as he softly patted Magnus’ thighs. “As wide as you can.”

Magnus, once again, did as he was told, his body momentarily trembling with pleasure. He trembled even worse when he felt Alec’s boxers sliding down towards the couch, the fabric lightly brushing against the back of Magnus’ thigh on its way down.

Alec wistfully sighed, before lowering his head, just enough to align his mouth with Magnus’ rim.

He then darted out his tongue, dragging it back and forth along Magnus’ entrance—

And Magnus’ knees threatened to give out on the couch. “Sorry, sorry…that just felt really good…”

“It’s okay.” There was a smile in Alec’s voice, as he playfully kissed Magnus’ rim. “I love how sensitive you are…physically…emotionally…”

“I’m not emotionally sensitive. You’re just an asshole—”

Magnus’ words were cut off by Alec’s hand roughly wrapping around his cock.

Alec began to firmly stroke Magnus’ shaft, as his tongue returned to its previous position, steadily licking Magnus out.

Magnus desperately panted for breath, as he felt himself getting closer and closer. “Alec…I can’t…I’m gonna’…”

Magnus’ orgasm came through with a barely restrained cry, as his come spurted from his cock and directly onto Alec’s still pumping hand.

“Rest.” Alec softly spoke to Magnus, while he moved a hand towards the lube. “Just make sure you keep your ass up for me.”

Magnus silently nodded in response, as he fell forward on the couch, resting his head against its fabric—

While keeping his hips still pushed up into the air.

Magnus soon moaned against the couch cushion, as he felt Alec’s now lubed finger pressing into his entrance. “Alec…more.”

Alec obliged, sliding another finger into Magnus—

And Magnus quietly whimpered at the feel of Alec’s fingers stretching him out. “More.”

Alec hovered a third finger over Magnus’ rim—

But Magnus subtly jerked his body away from Alec’s hand. “No. I want you. Inside.”

“Okay. Just let me get a condom out of my wallet—”

“Wait.” Magnus’ blood ran cold, as soon as he heard the word condom. “We both got tested last month. Why would we need to use a condom?”

Magnus’ voice felt stuck in his throat, his heart beat now erratic and wild with fear. “Alec…did you…did you sleep with someone else—”

“No! No. I just figured…after our fight…you wouldn’t want me to…I just thought you’d need more time…”

“Alec, you’re my boyfriend now. We’re going to get into fights sometimes. It doesn’t mean I don’t want your cock like God intended.”

Alec laughed, before pulling Magnus’ hips closer to his own. “Right. Well, just let me…”

Alec adjusted his cock against Magnus’ rim, carefully sliding into Magnus—

Into his boyfriend—

And once his cock was buried several inches into Magnus, Alec pushed his chest downward, effectively “trapping” Magnus against the couch cushions.

Magnus slightly bucked his hips back towards Alec, encouraging him to please, please move.

“I’m going to fuck you. I promise.” Alec smirked, as he took a moment to run his gaze up and down Magnus’ body…

Alec thought that Magnus looked perfect, from his currently messy, sex-affected hair, all the way to the pads at the bottom of Magnus’ feet…

And it wasn’t just Magnus’ body that was perfect. It was his…everything. The way he smiled. The way he laughed. The kindness in his heart and the sweetness in his soul…

Alec then felt suddenly overwhelmed by the very concept of Magnus Bane. How did Alec get this lucky? Was Magnus just incredibly bored? Would Magnus wake up tomorrow and realize he could do so much better?

“I love you.”

“What?” Magnus’ words had completely taken Alec by surprise. He was so taken aback, in fact, that he genuinely wondered if he’d actually heard Magnus right the first time. “Did you just…did you just say you love me?”

Magnus stilled underneath Alec, as he buried his face into the couch. “Too soon, right? It’s way too fucking soon. Fuck. You don’t have to say it back, Alec. I’m just. Fuck—”

“Magnus. I love you, too.” Alec beamed down at Magnus, even though Magnus couldn’t see the expression. He then reached for Magnus’ wrists, as he pressed them further into the couch. Soon, he moved his hips against Magnus, too, his thrusts forceful and calculated. “I love you…I love you…”

Magnus’ face was wet with tears, and he discreetly wiped his skin along the couch fabric. Alec’s heartfelt admission of love had made him so emotional, but he didn’t want Alec to see him crying and think that he was in any pain...

He especially didn’t want Alec to stop.

“Mine…Magnus, you’re mine…” Alec increased the pace of his thrusts, as he softly kissed Magnus on the back of his shoulder. “All mine.”

“Yours. Yes.” Magnus was on the verge of another orgasm, his cock grazing against the couch with every single one of Alec’s thrusts. “Alec. I’m yours. I love you. I’m yours.”

Magnus’ reply was Alec’s final straw—

He spilled into Magnus not too long after that, filling Magnus up with his come.

He then slowly pulled out of Magnus, choosing to rest behind him. Alec, still in an orgasmic haze, clumsily grabbed for Magnus’ waist, wanting to make sure Magnus’ back was tucked against his chest…

But Magnus turned around in his arms, now facing Alec with a pleased grin. “I can’t believe that talking to the weirdo who pulled all-nighters at Witchlight actually worked out for me. Maia told me that you were probably a serial killer.”

“What the hell? I thought Maia liked me!” Alec frowned—

But Magnus leaned forward, quickly kissing Alec’s frown away. “She does like you! But she also said that serial killers can be really charismatic.”

Alec frowned again, and Magnus broke out into a twinkling chuckle. “I’ll tell her that she was wrong, okay? You’re not a serial killer. You’re just my boyfriend.”

“Just your boyfriend.” Alec nodded to himself, before letting out a contented sigh. “Sounds perfect.”

“Mmmhmm.” Magnus let his eyes close, suddenly feeling the effects of their lovemaking on his bones. “And when we wake up…we can take one of those IQ tests online…”

“Why?” Alec’s eyes came to a close, too, as he nuzzled closer to Magnus. “I thought we were over that whole thing…”

“Oh…no…now it’s just a friendly competition…” Magnus happily settled into Alec’s arms.  “But…if I score higher than you…I’m gonna’ make you call me Professor the next time we sleep together…”

“Magnus—”

“I’m gonna’ make you raise your hand and ask me if you’re allowed to come…” Magnus lightly chuckled into Alec’s chest, his consciousness beginning to slip away from him. “Gonna’ make you read aloud from one of your textbooks while I suck on your cock…”

“Magnus…” Alec sweetly pressed a kiss to Magnus’ temple. “Go to sleep. I’ll see you when you wake up.”

“See you when you wake up, dummy…I love you…and you’re going down…” Magnus’ final words were followed by his breathing becoming peaceful and steady, as he finally drifted off into sleep.

“Love you, too, Magnus.” Alec grinned, as sleep succinctly flooded throughout his frame. “I love you, too.”

[irregulardiaryposts]

00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

so

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

[deyzalee]

Dear God,

Today was a wonderful day. I woke up early because I m going to cook chicken estopao, pancit bihon and preparing for our trip. I am so thankful because my day was so productive. We left here about 9am, passed by first at budget wise, fueled a gasoline and bought flowers for my ancestors burial. We took pictures of Limpapa bridge and I am going to post it here so you can see how happy am I. I didn’t expect that our travel time will take long. The last time I get there in Lintangan was when I was on my high school days. Your will and wisdom levels up as the day goes by and I am really amazed by it. We used our private service (Crosswind) as our transpo and the road is good and smooth. As we arrived at Lintangan, I eagerly asked Papa if where is the river with the hanging bridge, unfortunately they removed it already because they build a well constructed bridge. I am amazed by the development of the province. We arrived already and stayed at Auntie Floren and Uncle Noli’s house, we had some chit chats and I also checked the blood sugar of Auntie Nena, Auntie Flor. I checked the blood pressure of Auntie Nena, Auntie Lfor, Auntie Meding and Uncle Noli. I am praying God that even though some of their blood pressure is high, you will blessed them with a good health so they can still enjoy their hearts desire. After that we had our Lunch cooked by me, we enjoyed eating and they complimented me for the effort. And since its Lola Monaya’s death anniversary, we visited the cemetery so we can pray for their peaceful rest and help us guide with righteousness. We lighted candles and put flowers on the graves of Lolo Vicente, Lola Monaya, Auntie Esperanza, and Uncle Ping. Only Lola Monaya which I saw and bonded personally. We also had a beach walk and talked with my nephew Yan2x, she is so nice and listens to my stories, likewise. I also advised her and shared my thoughts about life and experiences. The ocean breeze and the sceneries, its very calming, relaxing and amazing nature. Fingers crossed I’ll be back there where I can sit, lie, meditate along the shore line. Mama and Papa decided to leave, we left there at around 2PM. We brought us my nephew Amy, she is 12 years old and daughter of my cousin Manang Marie. Good thing she allowed her daughter to bring here at Zamboanga City. My mom wanted to help her in school, also Amy will help us here in our house hold chores. Hopefully She can finished her studies and achieve her goal to become a teacher. In my realization when I visited Lintangan, someday if you will blessed me again to work as a Nurse at Abu dhabi, UAE, is that I will help some of my relatives especially those who are in need. I will share my blessings to them in your perfect time. Please hell me on my desires and always guide me to goodness. I m also sorry for Melhan because he had a bad image to my family. Please save Melhan from darkness Oh Lord, like the way you did it for me. I know he is good that is Why I love him. He made me learn what Love truly meant and I m so blessed that I met him. Soon and in your perfect time we will see each other again. I am also happy because after the trip I fell asleep a few minutes and it felt so good atleast I m regaining my sleep slowly with no medications at all. I just need to do heavy activities so I will not rely on medications anymore. I m sorry God for my English, I m really not good and I m trying to improve it by reading your Bible and Quran. I also saw and shared to Mama and Papa that I saw a truck with your name in front of it which is YAWEH. “Ikaw God huh! Hinde ka nagpapakita pero para- paraan. 🤗😘☺️😇Anyways that’s all for today, here are some of my pictures that I will post so you can see it. Thank you and I love you always God.😘

[artstropicalokinawa]

慣れない新居で、慣れることについて考える

　引っ越してみた。引っ越しといえば大抵の人にとってかなり大きな決断であるだろうが、私がその決断をするときにはいくつかのチェック事項が足りていないような気がする。例えば、新居と勤務先の距離はどれぐらいか。新居の近くで食材や生活用品を揃えるにはどこに行けばいいのか。また、新居には旧居の荷物がすべて入りきるのか。新居で新たに必要となる家具は何か、など。

　決断力はあるが判断力はないと言われる。今回も決断だけを先に、「あとはどうにかなるだろう、えいや」と引っ越してしまった。沖縄に引っ越した時もそんな感じだったと覚えている。職だけ決めて、あとはどうにかなるだろう、と。どうにかなってしまったから、今の自分があるというのは確かなのだけれど。

　先日、初めて神戸市の新居から大阪市の職場まで行くと、その遠さに、この先が不安になった。特に退勤時刻が21時台になる遅番シフトの場合は、電車の乗り継ぎが悪く、帰宅に２時間ぐらいかかってしまう。さすがにこれは時間がかかりすぎだろうと笑ってしまった。週３日の勤務が現在コロナのおかげで１日は在宅勤務が認められているから、週２日、小旅行をするんだと思い慣れるしかない。そして、自宅内はすべての段ボールを開け終わった今でも物が溢れている。もう少し物を減らさないと、この部屋では過ごしづらそうだ。

　引っ越してみると、本当に、自分という人間は、習慣で、なんとなく生きていたんだなあと実感する。いざ引っ越して、自分の周辺の物の配置が変わると、朝起きて、まずどうしていたかも思い出せないし、日々どんなルーチンをこなしていたのか、さっぱりわからない。何をすればいいかわからなくなるととりあえず、一番やったほうが良さそうな、仕事用のPCを広げてちょこちょこメールを返したりスケジュールを調整するということをやってみる。そうすると、あっという間に時間が過ぎている。時計を見ると21時25分。あれ？旧居では、毎日この時間はいったい何をしていたんだろう？

　けれど、きっとこの部屋にもまもなく慣れて、だらだらと過ごせたり、また出不精になってみたりできるんだろう。ルーチンも生まれていくのかもしれない。環境が変わるたびにひどい便秘になったり頭痛を生じたりするくせに、意外と私は習慣を自分の身に寄せることも得意である。

　中国福建省に留学したときには、あてがわれた寮の部屋にブーブー文句を言いながらも、最終的には出不精になっていたから、部屋の中の居心地はよかったということだろう。もともと部屋にあった椅子がボロボロで、たった50元ほど（当時約800円）で背もたれのないプラスチック製の屋台用椅子を購入し、それに1年間腰掛けて学習した。

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　新居は山の麓にあり、窓を開けるとモワッと森林の匂いがする。私の記憶ではこの匂いは「おばあちゃん家」なのだが、これも、もうまもなくすると私の鼻腔はあたりまえの匂いとして何も感じ取らなくなるのだろう。

　三宮駅から新居へ向かうために市バスに乗る。後部の座席に座り、車窓を眺める。途中、何度か同じ系統番号のバスとすれ違う。バスとバスがすれ違うとき、必ず両方のバスの運転手の様子を観察してしまう。那覇市に住んでいる時もよくバスに乗っていて、たまに見かける運転手同士の挨拶を観察することが楽しみだった。同社どうしの運転手は挨拶し合っているが、やはり他社とは挨拶しないようだ。同社どうしでも、仲良しな場合はジェスチャーで互いに笑わせあったりしている運転手もいたし、目を合わさずに会釈するだけのクールな運転手もいた。神戸市バスでは、残念ながらそんな挨拶風景を見ることができなさそうで、残念だ。残念だけれど、もう半年もここに住めば、バスどうしのすれ違いに運転手が挨拶をするかしないかなんて気にすることもなくなって、沖縄で見たような光景はもう記憶から消えてしまうかもしれない。

　住んだことのない土地に住むことを決心した時、賃貸の契約書にサインをする時、いつも心の中で「住めば都」と、まじないのように、つぶやいている。また、19世紀末から神戸にはたくさんの中国系移民が定住している。彼らも、「住めば都」と思ったのだろうか。辞書を引くと、中国語表現で「住めば都」は「久居則安」（北京話読み：ジウジューヅーアン）と言うらしい。

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　ある日、大阪の職場からほど近い台湾料理店に昼食に行くと、BGMにBEGINのアルバムが流れていた。もう14時頃、私がランチの最後の客だった。静かな店内でBEGINを聴きながら、辛い麻婆豆腐を食べる。涙と鼻水が出てくるほどの辛さなので、白飯で口を休めながらじっくり食べる。店内の静けさから音の細部まで聴き取ることができ、『かぎやで風』をアレンジした曲や民謡をアレンジした曲、様々な沖縄音楽のモチーフが散りばめられている。BEGINって、こんなに面白い音楽アレンジをしていたのか。古来から現在まで脈々と継承された沖縄伝統音楽と、ロックやポップスを見事に混ぜ合わせる。これぞ"沖縄大衆音楽"だったのだと衝撃を受ける。そして、那覇の国際通りで、観光地で、嫌ほど聴いたBEGINの最有名曲『島んちゅぬ宝』がついに流れる。イントロを聴いて「はいはい、日本全国民が沖縄といえば思い浮かべるこのアンセムね」とうんざりするも、他に客がいない店内では、その歌詞がするすると脳内に入ってくる。そして、沖縄を離れてから初めて気づく歌詞の素晴らしさに、心底感動する。今までBEGINを見くびっていてすみませんでした。少し落涙してしまったのだけれど、麻婆豆腐の辛さのおかげで、店員にはバレていなかったと思う。

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　久々に台湾人の友人と梅田へ夕食に出かけると、関空から台北への飛行機代がバカ高く、とても帰ろうと思えるような状況ではないらしい。中国人の友達も、春節休みの頃に一度帰郷し、自分が飼っている犬を中国から大阪まで連れてくる予定だったらしいが、コロナのせいで帰郷さえできず、犬も中国で家族に面倒を見てもらうことしかできないとのこと。

　すっかり忘れかけていたが、私も、ゴールデンウィークに北京へ渡る予定だったのに、コロナのおかげで中国東方航空の航空券をキャンセルし全額返金してもらっている。少しだけ貯めていた中国東方航空のマイレージサービスからは、先日、マイル残高がいついつまでに失効しますよ、という機械的なお知らせがメールボックスに届いていた。

　コロナにびくびくしながら生きるこの期間が長くなるほどに、周囲の人や友人知人に「どこも行けなくて、（山本さんは）辛いんじゃないですか？」と言われることがあるが、実のところ、パッキングという旅行前の一大イベントが大嫌いなので、さほど辛いとは思っていない。あのパッキングという作業だけは、何度やっても慣れることができない。それに、今は距離を置いて中国の音楽状況をネットで俯瞰する方が面白いと思っている。

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　家で食事するときに少しずつ、『乐队的夏天』（英名：THE BIG BAND）という中国で大人気のシリーズ番組を見ている。これは、バンドの格付け番組で、しかも、これまではテレビや動画サイトには登場しなかったようなインディーバンドが登場する。番組内では、各出演バンドの裏側にあるストーリーがAmerica's got talentのように感動的ドキュメント映像として放映され、バンドメンバーや関係者のインタビューも取り込んでリズミカルに進んでいく。ステージ上で１バンド１曲演奏し、それを観覧者と、司会者たち、音楽専門家たちが投票により評価する。M-1のようにランキングが決定し、下位の者は淘汰されていく。ときにはバンドのメンバー同士の喧嘩やその後の仲直りの様子が放映されたり、フルタイムの仕事を持っているバンドメンバーが仕事の合間にリハやライブをこなしていく並ならぬ努力の様子に観覧者や司会者が感嘆したり。音楽を聴く上で不必要なバックグラウンドがどんどん公開され言語化される。そして、バンドメンバーらの言動、友や仲間を大事にする姿勢、創作において諦めずに努力する姿勢などが褒め称えられていく。そしてこの番組を見ている私もバンドたちのストーリーを消費しているというわけだ。食事ごとに、もうこれ以上見る必要はないんじゃないかと思うぐらい下世話な番組なのだが、中国のポップ・カルチャー理解と語学習得のための修行と言い聞かせ、嫌々ながらも習慣化させて見ている。コロナを見事封じ込んだとされる中国の首都、北京で収録されているその番組に映る観覧者たちは、マスクこそしているが、ステージ前に密になり、バンドの演奏と一緒に大声で歌い叫び、友達どうし肩を組み、跳ね回る。

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　コロナと生きる社会って、要は、良くも悪くも自分の「慣れ」や「習慣」を増やし妥協していく作業なんじゃないだろうか、と思ったりもする。人と会わないことに慣れてみる。代わりに、人とはメールや手紙を丁寧にやり取りすることを習慣化してみる。海外に行くことを我慢することに慣れてみる。代わりに、身体的に海外に行かなくてもできる、バーチャルな情報収集を習慣づける。もしくは、今まで慣れすぎていたものを見直してみる。今までしょっちゅう聴いて嫌になっていた沖縄の大衆音楽を聴くことは、土井善晴氏が提唱している「基本はご飯とみそ汁で十分」論に近い。みそ汁。こだわらなくても自分の好きな具が一つ入っているだけで、特別なおかずになり、ご飯とみそ汁だけで満足したりする。飽きたと思っていても、実はその中身をまったく見直したことがなかったりする。

　けれども、慣れるとまずいことだってある。『乐队的夏天』のようなインディーを謳っていたものが大衆性を帯びるときには、何らかのプロパガンダが含まれていることも怪しんだ方がいいんじゃないか。慣れすぎる前に、頭を冷やさなければいけない。そういえば、最も慣れてはいけないのは、日本政府がコロナ対策として行った愚策の数々である。当時、Go Toキャンペーンのニュースに違和感を抱き呆れた私たちも、結局は今、その言葉が世間に馴染んでしまったことを認めないわけにはいかない。

　対して、不必要な慣れを断ち切れたこともある。これまで、音楽関係者の末端のすみっこに自分がいると思い込んでいたから、何かと音楽イベントには足を運ぶようにしていたけれど、コロナでイベントが開催されなくなったことをきっかけに、それをやめた。徐々に音楽イベントは再開しているが、もう付き合いでイベントに足を運ぶようなことはしていない。そうしなくても、自分は自分で音楽イベント以外の他からきちんとインプットできているんだということを知ることができた。家で一人で寝転びながら聴く音楽は楽しい。

　コロナを恐れながら生活することにも慣れたし、夏は毎日暑くてもマスクをしたし、外食を減らすことにも慣れた。自分の適応能力をひとつひとつ確かめながら暮らすと、いろんなことができるようになったかのような錯覚に陥るのだが、結局は慣れてしまっただけである。そして自分の生活を全て見直してみると、慣れや習慣からくる行動がほとんどである。見えてしまったものも見えていないふりをし、そのまま慣れておいた方が幸せなことも多い。「住めば都」と念じながら、嫌なことには目を瞑り暮らす。

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　新居からは、約30分歩くと繁華街に到着する。引っ越し前には歩かなかった30分という距離を、今は２日に１回は歩く。引っ越しから１週間も経たないうちに、この距離を歩くことに慣れてしまった。夕方、繁華街に向かおうと歩き始めると、寺の鐘の音が聞こえた。「もう5時か。」それ以外は何も思わなかった。ここに引っ越してきた初日は、夕方5時に寺の鐘の音が聞こえることに感動していたのに、もう慣れて、日常の音になってしまった。

（2020年11月2日）

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My thoughts on how to get used to living in a new home

I moved houses. Moving is a pretty big decision for most people, but I feel that I do not ask myself enough questions when making that decision. For example, what is the distance between my new home and my place of work? Where should I go to get food and daily necessities in my new neighborhood? Will all the things I had in my old house fit in my new house? What kind of furniture will I need for my new home?

I have been told that I am decisive but I do not have good judgment. This time, too, I decided to move first, and I did it by saying to myself, "Let's go for it. Everything will be alright." I remember that it was like that when I moved to Okinawa as well. I had only decided on the job and I thought whatever would happen would happen anyway. I am sure that I am here today because everything did turn out alright. 

The other day, when I went from my new home in Kobe to my workplace in Osaka for the first time, I became worried about the future. Especially when I have a late shift and leave work at around 9pm, it takes me about two hours to get home due to poor train connections. I laughed to myself that this commute was way too long. Now, I am allowed to work from home one day of my three-day work week thanks to the coronavirus, so I just have to accept the long commute thinking that I am taking a short trip twice a week. Even now, when I have finished opening all the cardboard boxes, things in the new house are still overflowing. Living there will become uncomfortable unless I reduce my belongings. 

Whenever I move, I realize that my life is mostly a product of random habit. When I move and the layout of the things around me changes, I cannot remember what I usually do when I wake up in the morning and completely forget my daily routine. When I am not sure what to do, I do things that seem the most useful for me anyway, such as opening my work laptop, busily answering emails, adjusting my schedule, etc. When I do that, time passes really quickly. I look at the clock, and suddenly it is 9:25pm. Huh? What did I do at this time of day when I lived in my old home? 

Nevertheless, I am sure I will soon get used to this house and I will be able to laze around or become a couch potato again. I may form a new routine. Although I tend to suffer from constipation or headaches every time my environment changes, I am also good at creating habits for myself. 

When I studied abroad in Fujian, China, I complained about the dormitory room I was assigned to. However, in the end, I became too lazy to go out, so I must have been comfortable in the room after all. The chair in the room was almost broken, so I bought a plastic stall chair without a backrest for only about 50 yuan (800 yen at the time) and for a year I studied sitting on that chair. 

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My new home is at the foot of a mountain, and when I open the windows, I can distinctly smell the forest. In my memory, it smells like "grandma's house," but I will soon think nothing of it as my nostrils become gradually accustomed to it. 

I take the city bus from Sannomiya station to my new home. I take a seat at the back of the bus and look out of the window. On the way, my bus passes other buses with the same system number several times. Whenever the buses pass each other, I always observe both drivers. When I lived in Naha, I often rode the bus, and sometimes I witnessed greetings between drivers, which I enjoyed seeing. Drivers of the same company greeted each other, but apparently did not greet the drivers of other companies. Even among drivers of the same company, some made each other laugh with gestures as though they were close friends, and some coolly nodded to each other without exchanging so much as a glance. Unfortunately, I do not think I will see such scenes of greetings on the Kobe City Bus, which is a shame. It is a shame now, but after living here for six months or so, I may no longer care whether drivers greet each other when the buses meet, and the scenes I saw in Okinawa may disappear from my memory. 

When I decide to live in a place where I have never lived before, I always think to myself, "Home is where the heart is" as I sign the rental contract. By the way, many Chinese immigrants have settled in Kobe since the end of the 19th century. I wonder if they also thought that "Home is where the heart is." I learned its expression is "久居則安" (pronounced "Jiǔjū zé ān") in Mandarin.

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One day, when I went to a Taiwanese cuisine restaurant for lunch near my office in Osaka, BEGIN's album was playing as background music:  the most famous Okinawan pop band in Japan. It was around 2pm, and I was their last lunchtime customer. I ate spicy mapo tofu while listening to BEGIN in the quiet restaurant. The food was so spicy that my eyes got teary and my nose got runny, so I ate slowly while cooling my mouth with white rice. I could hear the music well because the restaurant was so quiet. The album was sprinkled with various motifs from Okinawan music, including an arranged version of "Kagiyade-fu" and Okinawan traditional music. I was shocked to realize that their music arrangement mixes modern and traditional and it presents true Okinawan Pop Music. Then, finally "Shimanchu nu Takara," had been played which is the most famous song of them in whole of Japan. I used to hear it ad nauseam in Kokusai-dori and other tourist spots in Okinawa. When I heard the intro, I felt annoyed, thinking, "Ah, this anthem again, too much" but the lyrics naturally entered my mind in the empty restaurant. I was deeply moved by the beauty of the lyrics, which I noticed for the first time after leaving Okinawa. I felt bad for underestimating BEGIN until then. I shed a couple of tears, but I think the restaurant staff did not notice—it could very well have been caused by the very spicy mapo tofu. 

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I went to Umeda with my Taiwanese friend for dinner for the first time after a long while. According to her, the cost of flying from Kansai Airport to Taipei was so high that she could not even consider returning. A Chinese friend of mine also planned to return home during the Chinese New Year holidays to bring her dog from China to Osaka. However, because of the coronavirus pandemic, he could not go to China at all and had to ask his family to look after his dog. 

Although I have almost forgotten about it now, I was also planning to go to Beijing during the Golden Week, but because of the pandemic, I canceled my flight with China Eastern Airlines and got a full refund. I have saved a modest amount of mileage points for China Eastern Airlines, but they sent me a machine-generated email the other day to notify me that my mileage balance would expire on so and so date. 

The longer this time of living in fear of the coronavirus continues, the more people around me ask me, "Isn't it difficult for you not to go anywhere?". Actually, I do not mind so much, because I hate the big hassle of packing my suitcase before going on a trip. No matter how many times I pack my luggage, I never get used to it. Besides, I find it more interesting to take an overview of the music situation in China from a distance on the Internet. 

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When I eat at home, I watch bits of a TV show called "The Big Band" which is very popular in China. It is a TV program where people rate music bands. It invites indie bands that have not appeared on TV or video sites before. In the program, the story behind each band is aired as a moving documentary similar to those in America's Got Talent, and the program rhythmically develops including interviews with band members and their colleagues. Each band plays one song on stage, and the viewers, MCs, and music experts evaluate the bands by voting. The ranking is decided like M-1 which is the most popular annual Manzai gran-prix in Japan, and those in the lower ranks are eliminated. Occasionally, the program shows scenes of fights between band members and their subsequent reconciliations, and the viewers and MCs express their admiration as they see the extraordinary efforts of band members who have full-time jobs to carry out rehearsals and live performances in their spare time. The program reveals and narrates a great deal of background on the bands, which is not really necessary for listening to the music itself. Thus, people admire the words and actions of the band members, their attitude of respecting friends and colleagues, and their efforts to create music without giving up. In the end, I also consume the stories of these bands as I watch the show. It is such a vulgar program that, at each mealtime, I feel that I should not watch it anymore. Even still, I am reluctantly making it into a habit to better understand Chinese pop culture and learn the language. The show is recorded in Beijing, the capital of China, which is said to have brilliantly contained the coronavirus. The studio audience flock together in front of the stage—albeit wearing masks—and shout, jump, and loudly sing along with the bands, with their arms around each other’s shoulders. 

＊

I sometimes think that living in a society that coexists with the coronavirus means, for better or for worse, to make compromises by creating one's familiarity and habits. I try to get used to not meeting people. Instead, I try to get into the habit of exchanging thoughtful emails and letters with them. I try to get used to a situation where I cannot take trips overseas. Instead, I try to get into the habit of collecting virtual information, which I can do without having to physically go abroad. Or, I try to re-evaluate the things I have become too familiar with. My experience of listening to Okinawan popular music, which I had become sick of hearing in the past, is somewhat similar to the stance, "rice and miso soup are good enough as a basic" advocated by cooking expert Doi Yoshiharu. Ah, miso soup. I can turn miso soup into a special side dish without making a fuss by simply adding one of my favorite ingredients, and I can be satisfied with just rice and miso soup. Even if I get tired of something, I may just have to re-evaluate its contents. 

However, there are things that we should not get used to. When a TV program that praises indie bands like The Big Band becomes popular, we should suspect that it also contains some kind of propaganda. We have to cool our heads before becoming too engrossed in it. By the way, one thing we should definitely not get used is the number of ridiculous policies introduced by the Japanese government as measures against the coronavirus. Still, I have to admit that Japanese people have got used to the Go To Travel campaign in the end, even though we found the phrase silly and strange at first. 

＊

Conversely, I have been able to put an end to some unnecessary habits. In the past, I assumed that I was somewhere at the bottom of the music industry, so I tried to go to music events as much as possible, but the coronavirus has helped me quit the habit as those events have been canceled due to the pandemic. They are gradually returning, but I no longer go to music events to tag along with my friends. I have realized that I can still get the input I need from other sources without going to music events. I enjoy listening to music while lying down alone at home. 

I have got used to living in fear of the coronavirus. I wore a mask even when it was hot every day in the summer, and I got used to eating out less. As I live my life while testing my adaptability again and again, I get the illusion that I can now do all sorts of things. However, I have simply grown accustomed to doing these things. When I re-evaluate all aspects of my life, most of my behaviors are the product of habit. It is often the case that you can live more happily if you simply let yourself get used to your situation and pretend not to see things even when you do. I shut my eyes to unpleasant things while saying to myself, "Home is where the heart is." 

＊

My new home is about a 30-minute walk from the downtown area. I hardly ever walked for 30 minutes before, but I walk that distance twice a day now. Less than a week after I moved here, I got used to walking that distance. In the evenings, as I started walking toward the downtown, I heard the sound of the temple bells. I simply thought, "It's already 5 o'clock." On the first day I moved here, I was impressed to hear the sound of the temple bells at 5pm, but by now, it has become a daily occurrence and I have got used to it.

 November 2nd, 2020

＊

山本佳奈子 / KANAKO YAMAMOTO

ライター。アジア（特に中国語圏）のメインストリームではない音楽や、社会と強く関わりをもつ表現活動に焦点をあて、ウェブzine「Offshore」にてインタビューやコラム記事を執筆。不定期に発行している紙のzineではエッセイを書く。尼崎市出身。2015年から2017年まで那覇に暮らし、2017年から2018年までの一年間は中国福建省福州市にて語学留学。その後、那覇で一年、大阪市此花区で一年暮らし、現在は神戸市在住

Writer. She writes interviews and column articles on the web magazine "Offshore," focusing on non-mainstream music in Asia (especially Chinese-speaking countries) and expressive activities which are strongly related to social issues. She writes essays for the print version of the magazine, which is published irregularly. Born in Amagasaki, she lived in Naha from 2015 to 2017 and studied Chinese in Fuzhou City, Fujian Province, China for a year from 2017 to 2018. Later, she lived in Naha, Okinawa, and Konohana-ku, Osaka for a year each, and now lives in Kobe. https://offshore-mcc.net

[blankspacebabys]

Everyone keeps asking me about my SS story and I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to post about it but tbh it’s taking me this long to wrap my mind around the idea that it actually happened to me!!! (Also I’m sorry this ended up being so long??? I really didn’t think I would have this much to say lol) 

So it all started on Oct 19th at around 9:30 am I was scrolling through my feed before I left for work and all of a sudden I heard the IM alert go off and saw the notification from Taylor Nation. It took me three times to read through it and realize it was REAL and not just one of those fake accounts. My dad was sitting in front of me and all of sudden I shot up from my seat and started freaking out, he seriously had no idea what was going and jokingly said “What did Taylor like something of yours again?!” And I was like “No no no this is her people contacting me asking me for my phone number!!” I was basically in shock the rest of the day and literally couldn’t keep my hands off my phone. Finally around 2pm I saw a NY number calling me and immediately answered it and heard Natalie from TN’s voice. We talked for a good 3-5 minutes and she said Taylor wanted to invite me to a special event on Sunday the 22nd (3 days away!!) and asked if I was willing to make the drive down to LA (its like 5 hours away from where I live), I immediately said yes and knew there was no way in hell I would miss this opportunity. After getting off the phone with TN I was rushed with tons of different emotions. I was extremely ecstatic, in shock, denial, and tbh I even felt a little guilty (weird right?) that it was happening to me and I couldn't share the experience with anyone else. 

ANYWAY FAST FORWARD TO SUNDAY.

When I got to where we were all suppose to meet, I checked in with TN and immediately had so much anxiety, thankfully I met @ithinkiamfinallyswift @redlipclassic91 and @cryslovestaylor right off the bat and we all instantly clicked. (seriously love you girls and so glad I got to experience this night with you girls.) 

ANYWHO after we got loaded up into the these buses we were driven up to Taylor’s house, where we were led into her back yard and I kid you not when I say it was the most magical experience. The sun was starting to set behind a few palm trees and we were all out by her pool. There was tons of food spread out on three or four different tables (and the cutest REP cookies and special REP M&Ms). She had the BEST smelling candles with speciality labels with reputation & the SS date printed on each one of them. (Cutest details ever). We all hangout in the backyard for a while, admiring her gorgeous pool, eating food, mingling, Tree was out there talking to fans for a good while as well. 

Eventually it was time for us to head inside. We barley had a chance to even sit down and get settled before Taylor came out from one of the rooms, she immediately said she had friends with her and Jack Antonoff, Danielle and Alana Haim, and Ruby Rose all came out and joined us in her living room..casual right? 

Taylor made her way to the front of the room, saying hi to everyone. She explained what the night was going to entail and how we had all gotten picked. She explained the meaning or inspiration behind each and every song on reputation, when LWYMMD she asked us if we all wanted to get up and dance.. obviously we did. I remember her running over to where our little group was and started dancing with us, she booty bumped with Kimani and danced with her before she spotted me and came over to me and started GRINDED on me??? Me??? THIS ISN’T EVEN AN EXAGGERATION, HER BUTT WAS UP AGAINST MY WAIST AND WE WERE DANCING TOGETHER. It wasn't until the song stopped until I realized that it had actually happened and one of the girls was like “OMFG KENDRA THAT HAPPENED” dead.  I SWEAR TO GOD THIS HAS TO BE ON FILM SOMEWHERE. We watched her cute little self struggle with technology before we got a sneak peek at the ...RFI MV and we all died the two times she showed it to us. THEN, we listened to the rest of reputation, and I wish I could put into words how truly amazing this album is. I loved watching Taylor as she reacted to our reaction to each parts of different songs or lyrics. 

I took away SO much from Sunday night but one big thing was that Taylor is honestly SO happy and SO proud of this album. 

Our group photo came first and Taylor welcomed us into the room, giving the four of us each another hug before bringing us into a huddle. Taylor walked us over to the LWYMMD throne and said: “So we basically have to make this the best group picture in all of history”. She handed me the phone and told me to act sassy and then insisted she didn’t want to be in the middle of the throne and set us up before we all posed.

When it was my turn, she ran up to me saying, “Kendra? Ken- Kenny? Is it okay iif I call you that?!” I was beyond shook at this point and Taylor looked at me and started laughing. “Yeah, that was a bit more stalkery than you thought huh? I stalked you pretty hard for about a year or so. That’s kinda embarrassing huh?” She pulled me in for a hug and the thing about Taylor never pulling away first from a hug is 100% accurate. After we pulled away she looked at me and shook her head. “Wow it’s so nice to finally hug you!” She said before grabbing both of my hands. I told her how this was 11 years in the making and she had the audacity to thank me for sticking by her for 11 years. I told her about jingle ball among other things and how I loved her shoes 🤦🏼‍♀️ There was a million other things I wanted to say in that moment but literally my mind went blank. 

Taylor made me feel so at home and so special Sunday night and it’s definitely something I’ll never forget. I’m so thankful for this opportunity that I never imagined could ever happen to me. I’m also sooo thankful for all the new friends I met and got to experience this with. ❤️

[daviskrait]

post patagonia life

I decided to take a break from hostel-hopping and try out another work exchange. I've been in Pucon, Chile for a few days now working as a bartender (lol) at a hostel. Life has slowed down a bit and I am catching up on the last three months of sleep like a TRUE👏🏽SLEEP👏🏽KWEEN. Traveling is a lot of fun, but damn it can be tiring. I have a little Harry Potter room here that is tiny and dark and I give it 5 big ass stars.

My first shift at the bar was ...good? Who knew pouring a beer perfectly could be so hard. Add on top of that; English people like no foam, Dutch like a lot of foam, Irish know more about beer than you ever will, etc. etc. etc. Luckily, I kept my cool and survived the rush of people and one douchey English bloke who complained and rolled his eyes at me. SORRY OLE CHAP, IT'S MY FIRST NIGHT. My hard edge works well in the service industry, apparently.

Anyways, I had my first day off yesterday and the weather was shit. Pouring rain, high winds...the usual. I was excited to explore around town and maybe do a hike, but with the weather I decided laying in bed until 2pm was a better idea. Once the rain cleared, I took a walk. Got back and read my book on the porch. After a while I thought, "Shit. I'm bored."

Boredom isn't really something I face often while traveling and it's not something I deal well with. Even in Denver, I would call my parents and chat about all the past and future events going on yada yada yada, and my mom would often remark, "At least you're never bored, huh?" I told one of my coworkers here that I was bored and he (kind of judge-ily) said, "You must get bored easily." I was like, Yeah. I do. Bud. He is also the type of guy who "doesn't see color" and gets super defensive about everythinggg. Note to self: don't add him on Facebook after this post. After that convo, I decided to just keep reading and my mind began to wander.

When I was working 8-5, my ideal day off would be one where I sat outside reading. Ideally next to a pool. Or went for a walk or hike. Maybe took a nap. I had my ideal day off! And I was complaining about it! I thought about what a good days entails for me. Some good food. Maybe some time to chill on my own to rest and relax. Some time to be social and enjoy the company of others. Time to move my body. I was like, "Huh. All boxes checked, this is a perfect day."

I had to kind of step outside myself to realize this, but it was easy to do once I slowed down a bit. My days, I'm sure as well as anyone else's, can be so affected by whatever mindset I choose. At first, I slapped the word "boring" on my day because it was slow and different from my norm here. Once it was "perfect" I was happy as a clam.

Kind of a magical transformation.

Now, I know if you're reading this at work you are probably like "SUREEEE KAITLIN, ITS EASY TO HAVE A PERFECT DAY WHEN YOU ARE TRAVELING AROUND SOUTH AMERICA, YOU IDIOT." I get it! I know I'm spoiled in this situation! But...I'm just sayin. It's easy to let yourself make or break a day simply by the words you attach to it.

That's all I'm saying! Take it as you will.

Still. I hope you find yourself finding only the good words for your days.

Much love.

[paranoidwino]

the horse in my dreams

You can read this also on AO3 Please leave a comment!

Happy birthday @ragwitch !!!

Thank you so much for being you and I hope this day is filled with joy and happiness! I hope you like it! :D

“You have 2 new messages!”

Darcy tried really hard not to lunge at her phone; Jane was still there after all.

But she had messages, two new messages.

She looked at the clock surreptitiously, 2.45pm. She deflated immediately. Of course it was just Nene and Bells’ updates. Meh.

Every day since the dawn of time Bells would wake up, bat her cute blonde eyelashes and rise with her golden wings. The sun would rise and Nene would lower the moon and… possibly get into bed? She had never asked what they did after that. It wasn’t even a difficult job, they just needed to give the things a light push. The sun and moon were as self sufficient as her dawn.

She reached for her phone slowly, tapped in the pin and slammed her thumb on the ‘Gate’ app with more force than necessary.

It was a simple app, with just a big red button in the center, and it was exactly that.

Like the useless box, Gate consisted of a button that was created to be pressed at will without any real use. Unless you were Darcy, of course.

She counted the minutes slowly, and as soon as the display signaled the go ahead, swished her thumb again on the red button. A question popped up immediately. “Would you like to proceed?”

Well, yes, or Bells will destroy me… she sighed. Confirm.

“Dawn successful.”

Yay… job done. Was she supposed to feel proud? Like, yay, you pressed the correct button, dawn is coming and humanity will not suddenly wonder why the sun is up at night?

Three more messages had come her way checking if everything was okay.

Darcy huffed.

‘No one panic, all is okay!’ and then she felt guilty, because she wasn’t any more patient than they were. So she added a quick ‘how’s everyone doing?’

The first replies came from the family gods, followed by a slew of ‘I’m okay, how are you?’ from all the minor critters. The big Kahunas didn’t peep at all, but they were always busy (case in point, she didn’t remember the last time they met all together?). Sometimes she wondered what it was like, always being needed and wanted.

Oh, Darcy did have her glory days, back when there were no cars and the only way to move were horses. Ah, the glory of being the goddess of horses during the past five thousand years.

Those times were over, though, and horses were nothing more than a luxury now. She still had to oversee them once in awhile, but now her duties were exclusively composed of ‘making dawn happen’ and ‘protect the heroes’.

And because never let it be said that the Zorya of protection didn’t know how to do her job, she’d planted herself right smack in the middle of it all, at Avengersland.

Okay, it had been completely accidental, but come on! No one should question her methods, seriously.

Avengers Tower was the best place. She’d lived all over the world and in every kind of abode, but this really really took the cake. Well, live was a big word, she mostly crashed into Jane’s apartment. She had her own flat, far from JARVIS and Tony’s prying eyes, but still. Jane wasn’t complaining about her company and she got to cook for everyone in the mornings and have the best view of the city.  

“Darcy?” Jane’s voice roused her from her thoughts. “Have you seen Jacob the spectrometer?”

“...You killed Jacob two days ago, Janey. Cannibalized to build Jack, the new and improved version.”

“Oh.” Jane blinked. “And where is Jack?”

“I’ll go fetch it for you.” Darcy huffed. She needed to text a bit more anyways.

‘I need you to step in the Red Zone a bit tonight.’

Darcy gaped.

Reread the message.

Nope, it was still the same.

Her jaw clenched a bit and she clicked her tongue twice.

Had she been in a less public place, she’d have screamed. But she wasn’t. So she waited the end of the day with the same grimace painted on her face.

The moment the door of her apartment closed behind her, however, she wasted no time pressing the ‘recall’ button.

“Hello, you have reached Shira’s voicemail, please leave-”

“Don’t you even dare, you sugary porcupine!” She threatened slowly.

“a message after the beep.”

How dare she!

Darcy hung up and took a big breath. This was not the moment to freak out.

It wasn’t the first time the goddess of immortality, the pink confetti porcupine (who would forever be called ‘slave driver’!), sprung a sudden switch of shifts on her, but this was taking it a bit too far.

One, the Red Zone was in Europe, and she was totally not. Two, it was already night in Europe!

What was she thinking. There was no way she could be in Europe in two seconds without borrowing some serious wind power-up, and she owed the Buyany one favour too many.

No, going in person to patrol the areas between Russia and Austria was not an option.

The only option left was… No. Nope, no.

They had apps now for this, no regalia was necessary to do their job. Heck, she’d dumped the giant shield and double-bed-sized cloak the moment Toth developed the Gate.

As if summoned, the Shield vibrated from its hiding spot in the sealed trunk under her floorboards, making the flat shudder a bit. The neighbours woke up with a gasp, wondering about earthquakes.

Darcy was too classy a god to giggle. Nah, who was she kidding.

But the problem wasn’t solving itself. And the more she waited, the longer the Red Zone would be left unchecked, and this wasn’t ideal.

She checked her phone. Nope, Gate was closed until 2pm for her. Rude.

She groaned. She’d have to do it ‘old school’.

List lied.

They all did.

All these people with their ugly minds and their disgusting paws and their beady eyes.

Wanda was done with them.

She put her hands on the wall that she shared with her brother’s prison and pressed her face into it. They didn’t let them talk to each other, they couldn’t even see each other.

But these mad men watched. They saw everything.

Pietro and Wanda’s rooms were glass cubes for Hydra, the only walls separating them from each other and from the outside. She supposed she was lucky. Her room had a tiny bolt hole that made it possible to look outside. It almost made up for the lack of toilet or privacy.

...Who was she kidding.

She was seventeen, and these soldiers and scientists had seen her in various states of undress, they’d stared at her as she ate, probably ogled her while she slept.

She fought a wave of nausea.

Suddenly the little window at the top of her cell seemed the only good thing of this place of torture.

Liberation Front for Sokovia my ass, she despaired.

She and Pietro had thought this was the answer. They were finally doing something for their country, this was what their parents would have wanted.

But it wasn’t true.

They’d been played like the kids they were and now it was just them out of over 200 candidates for the List procedure, the remaining 198 killed by the Sceptre.

The Sceptre. She shivered.

It had shown her everything, a new life and a purpose. It had given her powers.

But it probably didn’t intend to give her such a power, because she could see and feel its machinations behind the kind words, and after a while she stopped responding to them.

She didn’t show it, lest they start torturing her again, but she was free.

And she was going to free her brother too.

Wanda watched with trepidation as the last of her handlers fell asleep. They usually did that. Sleep and presumably wake up when she was asleep. They never bothered with security cameras either, since the whole cage was all glass panels and there was nowhere they could hide.

No matter, tonight, she was going to peek from the window and plan her escape.

Only, there was no light outside, no moon to show her the way, and her cubicle was so bright the contrast didn’t really allow for any kind of visual.

She cursed in Sokovian and refrained from spitting on the floor.

It was then that she saw it.

A magnificent, shining horse, as big as the mountains surrounding her beautiful Sokovia, trotting slowly across the forest with his huge legs. He was made of smoke, or wisps of light, she didn’t know, but he was silent as a grave and his hooves didn’t make the ground tremble after him. Maybe she was dreaming, after all.

But it didn’t look like a dream. It didn’t feel like one.

And before she knew it, the horse became rosy and red and golden, reached the horizon line, and it was dawning already.

She lowered herself to her cot, pleased that no one had noticed, and contemplated the exceptional event.

There was only so much her brain could have made up. If, and it was a big if, she wasn’t dreaming, if this was real and the horse had been real too, there was only one explanation that made sense.

It was a very shaken Wanda Maximoff that, for the first time in years, curled into a corner and prayed.

Thousands of miles afar, Gate was opened again.

“You have one message.”

Huh.

That was weird. Like, really weird.

Darcy glanced at her clock, it was still obscenely early for Nene to start bitching at her, he should be recharging the moon in… five hours? Six, maybe? She was totally not responsible this time: dawn was not happening for another good fifteen hours.

It wasn’t Nene, or Bells. It so wasn’t. Darcy almost dropped from the chair she was sitting on, attracting Jane and Natasha’s attention.

“Is everything alright?” Natasha asked, sipping at her drink with an elegance one wouldn’t give to a Russian with vodka.

Evening drinks between girls were the shit, seriously, and Jane was a STEM major, she had the best friends and the best recipes when it came to experimental alcohol.

“Yeah, yeah.” Darcy laughed nervously. “It’s just… Nothing, nothing!”

Natasha looked at her curiously for a moment longer, but then went back to talking with Pepper about Tony and apparently that was that (she didn’t believe that for a second, Nat had a perfect track record at being inconspicuous. She’d have to warn the dreams god, just in case).

But this… this hadn’t happened to her since, well, at least since cars were invented, maybe even earlier!

Someone had prayed. Like this was an honest to ...could she even say ‘honest to God’?, well, anyway, this was an official request, a 100% legit message. For her!

She could think of nothing else all night long, and it came almost as a relief when everyone bade each other goodnight and they all went their separate ways (‘I’m taking a cab, Nat, I am not going home alone, promise!’...As if).

She swiped her hand over the Gate, excited for the first time to open the dreaded app. Of course, the excitement lasted for all of three seconds. She had expected a prayer for a horse, maaaaybe a thank you for the most beautiful dawn of all times, but her stomach bottomed out in panic when she read the three words.

‘Please, save us.’

It was signed as ‘Wanda Maximoff, 17’ and followed by an information overload about her whereabouts and past. Toth had done his job alright with this app, she hardly had to do anything at all to find the believer.

Darcy’s heart broke at the story behind the girl… Young woman, she amended. One doesn’t suffer this much without becoming a woman, and she wished she could solve all of her problems with a simple waving of her hand. She couldn’t.

There had been a time, when she’d been the strongest of protectors, when she could have wielded her Shield and instilled terror on the assailants of the poor and weak, when she could have taken her Cloak and protected everyone. These times were long over. No one asked for this kind of help anymore, no one fed her with power to do it.

But the idea of leaving this girl, who had probably swallowed more pride than she was allowed to, and that was probably scared witless with no hope to escape, to die cold and alone made tears spring to her eyes (and she was not a pretty crier, despite what the bards had said about her and morning dew… yeah nope).

Her Shield rattled from under her floor. The lamps flickered.

No, she couldn’t abandon Wanda and pretend nothing had happened. “I… suppose I could ask Nene for help… He’s bound to owe me one in the next few centuries.”

With a nod she moved her bed and the wooden planks that separated her from her trunk. The Shield was too impatient, however, and with one last rattle, ecstatic to be so close to its master, broke free of the containment measures put upon it and rolled at her feet.

She huffed and stroked it affectionately. It hummed a bit, as if purring.

“You impatient little thing”, she scolded him playfully. “Looks like we’re going into battle once again.”

“Oh? Are you?”

Crap.

“Ah!” She jumped at the sound and scrambled on her feet.

“So,” Clint started out from the window he was perched on, “Nat tells me to check on you because you might have gotten in some trouble and here you are, with a ...is that a Shield at your feet?”

“...If I told you nothing is happening and that even if I don’t come back by tomorrow everything is cool as cucumber, would you believe me and report these exact words to Nat?” His eyebrows reached the hairline of his incredulous face. “Yeah, didn’t think so.” She gestured vaguely at the bed, “Come in, it’s already a mess without you falling from the windowsill.”

Clint pouted. “There’s the fire escape under the window, I’m fine.”

“Right.” She deadpanned. “We’ll just say the last four times were all calculated.”

His pout cleared and he shrugged, but he still entered her room and sat on the bed.

They looked at each other in silence for a few minutes.

And a few minutes was already too much time she was losing there.

“Look.” She started awkwardly, “if you’re done staring, I really need to get going. I’ve got an appointment to sell my soul, yeah?”

That shocked him into moving again. “Sell your soul? To who?”

“Nene.” She replied absentmindedly. The trunk was still unlocked under the floor, so she reached forward and physically dove into it to look for her Cloak.

“Who’s Nenay?”

Darcy’s head poked from the lid of the trunk. “Nene.” She repeated, louder. “He’s the god of the moon.”

Clint blinked.“...Okay. Why are you selling your soul to the god of the moon?”

Darcy huffed, closed the trunk with a snap (no trace of her Cloak, go figure, prissy thing) and looked at him, then made a ‘ta-da’ gesture with her fingers. “I don’t… think I’m going to sell my soul, like, whole soul, but man I’m going to owe him after tonight.” She looked meaningfully at the trunk. “If I manage to leave somewhere in the next century.”

“Why are you selling your soul?” He looked serious now. Whole body forcefully relaxed and eyes fully focused on her.

“...Fine.” She sighed and ruffled her hair. “I received the first real prayer since… I don’t know, maybe 1760? Ish? Later? I can’t remember, but I didn’t have believers at all and this girl needs my help and I need to reach the other side of the world tonight and unless I sell my firstborn to Nene there’s no way I’ll be able to penetrate an enemy base and leave with two mortals.”

“You’re a god.” He was… very cool about it, considering the last ‘god’ he’d met was an Alien prince that wanted to kill mankind. She nodded. “I... I’m just trying to do my job. I need to do my job. And that girl needs me.”

He mulled it over a bit, and then clapped his hands. The bed bounced with his sudden movement. “Okay, where are we going?”

Reasoning with Clint about party members’ veto was like championing to discuss reason with a goldfish. Useless and counterproductive.

“You’re not going” turned into “You’re not going alone” and then “Oh my God okay you’re coming but only because Nat is coming too” and again “Fine, but there will be no blowing up stuff.”

He wasn’t extremely cooperative on that point, either.

In the end, Darcy was persuaded that waiting another day would not kill the poor girl (she had received another two messages from Wanda in the last three hours, so far the situation hadn’t changed… much) and that Natasha’s expertise with Hydra (who was not dead, apparently!) and the Red Zone would be invaluable while planning a rescue.

Rogers and Tony were away from the base and it was best not to bother them, Thor was who knew where and Bruce was best left in the Tower in case they needed a ‘doctor’ of the Avengers variety upon their return.

Natasha was supremely unconcerned with Darcy’s weird request, like being asked to reach a country to storm a base where children were tortured was hardly a Wednesday activity. Considering who the woman was, she was probably right.

They hit the first snag when Clint said the words ‘stealing a jet’ all in the same sentence.

“We’re not stealing a jet,” Darcy said with finality.

The two spies looked at her sideways. “Darcy,” Natasha started slowly, “if you want to keep this op under wraps, not announcing it on paper is the safest idea. We can always make up a story later.” She added reassuringly. Clint was nodding beside her.

“No no no, no one is stealing anything to get to Sokovia. We don’t need to anyways. It’s night.”

Natasha looked at her with sudden understanding. Her eyes widened a fraction and flitted all around her.

“...And just how did you plan to get there?” Clint said challengingly.

“Are you an immortal?” Asked Natasha at the same time.

They looked at each other and there was some kind of silent conversation there, because Clint raised his hands and Natasha started with her questions again.

“Are you immortal?” Darcy nodded. The spy nodded back. “Are you able to guarantee your package complete immunity?”

Darcy thought about her Shield, which was not able to withstand a bullet barrage but was very willing to try, and her Cloak which was indeed able to resist such a thing, but wasn’t willing to leave the trunk at all, and shook her head.

“Okay, we need contingencies for this.”

“Are we going to address how to get there?” Clint asked loudly.

“We’re using the horse, of course.” said Natasha immediately.

“What horse?!”

The horse, as Nat had playfully called it, was at least ten times the size of a quinjet. Who was he kidding, it was probably as big as a mountain.

Wispy and evanescent, the horse of the goddess of dawn was truly a majestic thing.

Unfortunately, Clint had no idea of how to pet it… he was barely as tall as its hooves.

Darcy, or whatever she was called, he supposed, was openly laughing at his awestruck face.

“Don’t worry,” she winked. “He can shrink.” She raised a hand, and the horse became smaller. Still big, for he was as big as an elephant, but definitely more manageable than what he was before.

The horse’s intelligent eyes darted all around, looking for threats. Finding none, he started chewing on the grass (or tried, because evanescent ghost horses could not eat real world grass, apparently).  

“How is a horse of this size even going around unnoticed?”

Darcy’s smile dimmed a bit, “no one really believes in us anymore, Clint. We’re myths.”

Oh.

“...Are you going to disappear if this ‘only prayer’ dies?”

Darcy shrugged. “Nah. The universe needs its order. You can’t kill one of us without killing everyone else in the process, and there’s always someone believing in Life or Death, if not in a superior God that is Good versus Evil. It’s an all or nothing kind of thing.” She seemed extremely dismissive of the possible disappearance of her species, but Clint supposed it was fair.

Despite believing there was no God, no one could deny that Death was very much a thing.

“That’s…convenient.”

The goddess flashed him a smile and preened a bit. “We try. We did invent an app to do the job for us, after all!”

She put a hand in the horse’s mane, prompting him to turn his head, and stared into his milky white eyes. “Fly fast, my dearest, sali sali sali.”

The horse neighed loudly, and maybe it was him, but had the wind picked up?

“Come.” Darcy’s voice sounded different, and when had she mounted the horse anyway?

She extended her right hand to Nat and helped her climb up.

“Come, Clint.” She said next.

Well… he’d never been horse riding before.

Flying was always awesome.

Pity she couldn’t do it often, what with being very busy and all.

They were flying as fast as her horse’s magic was carrying them, invisible to anyone under the thick cover of his misty fur. They’d reach Sokovia soon enough, and hopefully before Nene and Bells had reasons to complain (‘they’re the big shots in my line of work, okay? like… ugh. Yeah, the jerks.’).

“Wasn’t the creature following the Sun supposed to be a dog?” Asked Natasha from behind her. “Ah… maybe? Then again, I heard stories of me being married to the Sun, who is my father, and carrying his spawn.” That was the story, right?

“Isn’t it true?”

“Nope.” She popped the p. “The ‘Sun’ is a girl, she’s very much not interested into a relationship with me, she’s got a kid who I’m pretty sure is a vampire… and last I checked I didn’t have kids. I do, however, have the cutest dog called Baker!” she added.

“Huh, you kept that dog from New Mexico.” Clint mumbled from behind.

“Yeah yeah… and hey, look, we’re here!”

“We’ve barely flown for one hour!”

“...Have we? Damn, I’m going to owe the winds my firstborn.”

Ten minutes out, two guards in, two guards out, ten minutes...

Wanda Maximoff was going crazy.

But she couldn’t stop counting for a second, or she’d lose the all important moments once again. Every four hours and thirty two minutes, the guards would switch and make a slightly longer round  across the lab, and that was the moment she had to strike.

She pressed her hands together. If only her powers were consistent and controllable in any way.

In the cell beside her, she heard her brother scream as another bout of whatever the Sceptre had done to him attacked him.

Pietro.

She may not be the eldest, but she was done waiting for these madmen to kill them or brainwash them into compliance. She’d save her brother herself.

Seven more seconds and the shift would be over. Six… Five… Four… Three

BOOM.

Strucker’s castle shook with force and everything around her trembled.

The walls behind her creaked in agony and she gripped at the solid bars of the tiny bolt hole she’d used as a window.

The guards had all left shouting in languages she didn’t understand.

Outside of the castle, the huge horse of mist stood proudly in front of List’s and Strucker’s men, mockingly unruffled by the pellets and bullets he was being shot with.

How was it even possible that they could see him so clearly when just three days ago they hadn’t batted an eye at his passage.

The grunts of someone outside her cell had her whirl around. She should have been running already!

But it was a Hydra henchman who was grunting in pain, as the well shaped thighs of a redhead in an expensive tac-suit choked him from behind.

A man with strong arms and a petite woman wielding a shield bigger than her followed suit.

“I said no explosions Clint, it wasn’t hard!” The tiny woman was grouching in English. Wanda’s English wasn’t great, but she could get by. These were not Hydra, she could tell.

“Who are you?” She called in accented English, her hands sparking a bit with her power. If they meant harm, she’d deal with them.

The woman’s head whirled toward her and her face transfigured into an expression of pure joy. “Wanda? Is that you?”

Wanda frowned. “You know me?”

The woman nodded fervently, so fast it looked like her head might detach from her body at any minute. She studied the glass cage in front of her, prowled around it like a lion, then pressed her lips into a thin line, brandished her shield with both of her hands, and just… hit it.

And the glass in front of her broke to bits and she was free.

“Yes!” The woman’s arms embraced her and Wanda couldn’t understand why. “Of course I know you! You sent for me!”

Wanda’s eyes widened, because this woman, she couldn’t possibly be…

“I’m Darcy.” Darcy smiled. “Patron of horses, dawn and protectors. It’s so good to meet my most important -and only- believer.”

Life continued and soon everyone was back to their routine.

Pietro and Wanda had settled in nicely, Clint being a constant presence in their life and probably best moral compass they could find, especially until they managed to fully control their powers.

For her part, Darcy kept her jobs of Avengers-herder and divine powers as she had.

The fact that she now had a couple of faithfuls didn’t really change anything (yeah, she’d hoped in something… more?), apart from the weirdest messages.

“You have one new message!”

Darcy didn’t even look, this time. She swiped her cell phone and pressed on Gate absentmindedly.

The gate was closed.

She frowned and looked at the time. Yeah… it was a bit too soon to start her job. Whoops.

She checked her phone and smiled.

Dinner with us? Pietro is cooking. Wanda

[mangotheavocado]

Mental Ward Part 3

So we had our first meeting and all talking about who know’s what.. i was very very nervous talking about it.. so i was very quiet that first time.. lasted about 30 minutes to almost an hour

We had our first smoke break.

At that time i never smoked so i never ever had any cigs at that time.. people looking at me funny because i don’t smoke.. i do now but that’s till later..

Their was this one girl who came up to me and asked me why i don’t smoke.. i said “ i don’t really like smoking.. but i love the fresh out doors at least “

She looked at me into my eyes and said “ I don’t fucking like you and i hate you already “ 

I said “ You don’t even know me and you already hate me? It’s fine with me “ 

My room mate who smokes like a chimney told me .. “ Just ignore her because she is here for a reason and she is a loon.. “ Knowing me.. i was just already tired of this place and wanted to escape already..

BUT

Time went on and i was getting used of everyone and I already knew what everyone was in here for.. 

We had so many groups i wasn’t keeping track of it all anymore.. we had art,music,reading,yoga,bible studies... ect ect.. 

Smoke breaks were very nice but that one woman who wanted to kill my ass.. luckily she went home awhile later.. so i was happy as a clam.. EVERYONE was happy too.. we all danced and all because she was the meanest one out of the whole group.

Coffee was fucking golden there.. First Comes First Serve as i see it.. I always got hot coffee with extra cream and sugar.. and people looked at me like HOW THE FUCK .. Exact face what they looked at me for lol! 

While later.. most people left and new people come join.. when you leave you have to be put on a bus and then they drop you off at the nearest location where you lived and then you go where ever .. My room mates never left ever.. they been here so long.. they call it home.. really sad to see..

One of them been there for 6 years and other one was there for 9 months.. They had their stories.. 

People who been there had different reasons.. Drugs,Depression..Ect Ect..

I was there for severe depression.. 

SO...

Medicine time.. You take medicine every morning , afternoon and night.. depending on what type you had.. one i had was only mornings.. called “ Zoloph “ not sure if that’s the spelling.. This is how you got to have your medicine.. you get doctors.. different ones each time.. you have to explain what you had.. then they put you on what they think is best for you..

I had one named Dr.Serpus.. he was awesome but i feel like he hid something all the time, because he always sneaky.. Most of the staff here are mostly jamaican.. but that is okay because i don’t care what color you were.. as long as you were respectful... maybe 3% white here.. 

Most patience who came in were white.. some were racist so i never hung with them... 

So one day this dude who was maybe about 25-26 came in.. and the first thing he told me was “ WOW you are so god damn beautiful.. why the hell are you even in here... “ i was shocked..because he was new and he just walked in.. JUST i repeat JUST walked in..

I said “ well thanks? “ he said “ anytime my princess “

Its funny because he looked so fucking normal.. until one day he snapped so hard and we had a code yellow.. because he didn’t like one of the staff here... ALSO at one point he got so addicted to me.. he wouldn’t leave me alone.. and when he hugged me.. they pulled me aside and him aside saying “ no hugging allowed” I was like “ for real ? its fine haha “ 

I was the hottest one in that whole mental ward i guess because, everyone i mean everyone had the biggest crush on me , men and woman.. it was mad weird.. because i never got this many people liking me at the same time.. 

EVEN some staff was hitting on me.. i’m trying to get help but half the staff wanted to get in my pants..

But anyways .. My roommates and i ended up being the pack leader of everyone.. somehow we did.. and when new people came in .. we made them feel good about them selves and we made everyone happy.. EVEN the group leaders we had told us that “ You and your roommates make a great pack leader “ I was like “ NIOCE “ it was amazing.. each day everyone was growing on me like family.. so i was happy .. BUT not gonna lie.. the first time i went in .. i cried the first night..because i missed everyone.. and i got used to it after days later.. 

We had a few code yellows before.. we all had to be in our rooms and all.. i was so fucking high from my medicine that i didn’t even care.. it took me few to get used of my medicine.. because it made me feel weird and my vision was tripled.. and it was weird as hell.. but then i got used to it.. really good medicine to make you sleep..

Then while later.. this random man came out of his room stark naked.. saying “ CAN I GET FUCKING ATTENTION NOW, HUH ? “ it was kinda sad because everyone did ignore him.. i mean i was because he was so weird and like he was really crazy and would fight anyone on site .. but like he wasn’t mean.. its just that if you stare at him.. he would wanna fight you... so yah.. 

This one dude who was about mid 30′s was so adorable.. he was very shy and he was like 6′5.. and he spoke all random stuff like every 5 seconds and couldn’t stop talking and it was okay.. he was so innocent.. reason why he was put away because his mother abandon him when he got older.. she couldn’t handle him anymore.. so hes been there for ever.. but he was a huge chain smoker.. huge.. he’s still here today.. 

Later on in time.. my room mates actually went home.. changed lives.. so happy for them.. and most people left too.. THEN i left.. the day was amazing! I left about 2pm .. my friend picked me up and thank god.. I didn’t want to take a bus home and wait hours for an actual ride... thank god my friend came through.. I had more stories to tell you but it’s too personal and its very secreted so.. maybe one day.. 

Everyone said goodbye to me and hugged me .. that’s when you can actually give hugs haha.. 

PS: The Leader of my group turned out to be a HITLER fan.. everyday he stood up and said with this arm pointing up like hitler always did “ Hail Seizer “ which means hitler in a diff language.. That really shocked me so.. yah.. but anyways i had a great time in there and it changed me from this day.

I ended up not being on that medicine anymore.. but i notice i didn’t need it anymore.. i am my own person and i do not need medicine to help me be happy!!

Ended up smoking cigs , but its okay :) helps me anyways... 

I know its bad but its my life and my body..

Thank you for anyone out there who listened to my story :) Hope you enjoyed it!! 

[emeraldbabygirl]

Monsta-X

I was looking up pics of Monsta-X for wallpaper and it made me further realize that I don’t want them to be like BTS. People in American are quick to judge others, especially if they listen to music from East Asia. So far there hasn’t been any bad things or hate towards Monsta-X, which I’m thankful for, but I’d just like them to be successful in Korea. I mean, why do kpop groups have to be successful in America when a lot of Americans could care less. It’s just fans that want to be noticed for liking a different kind of music because we always get shit for it. Figure if the genre becomes popular in the states the hate will stop. But it won’t. BTS has been in the states long enough to handle themselves but Monsta-X isn’t. Monsta-X are very sensitive boys, I don’t want some hate comment to really get to them and make them think they aren’t good enough to break into the U.S. Honestly, that doesn’t matter to me. They are popular in Korea and that’s what matters right? I know they don’t want to take a break but their health is important and besides, Starship should work harder to promote Boyfriend. I’m afraid they will disband. No new kpop fans really know who Boyfriend is. Boyfriend deserves to be loved like when they first debuted. Being in Starship’s basement isn’t fun.

Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s cool that Monsta-X, Got7 and BlackPink can be interviewed by news shows. I think it’s cool that Momoland and ATEEZ can be on FBE and that NCT, Exid, Suju, Tiffany and even BTS can be on Buzzfeed Celeb. I think cool that BlackPink, NU’EST, iKON, Got7, Monsta-X and SF9 got interviews with Billboard it’s awesome that Tiffany, Sunmi, SF9, Stray Kids, ATEEZ, NCT, Monsta-X, Epik High, Astro, BlackPink and VAV get to have world tours or North American tours because a lot of these groups are underrated and hopefully a world tour might show Koreans and Korean fans how awesome these groups are; but I think groups like BlackPink, Got7 and Monsta-X need to stay in Korea. It might sound racist or selfish but I honestly don’t want such amazing groups to get torn down by the harsh and hateful comments of Americans. I think kpop is awesome but I think artists need to focus on themselves and their Korean fans. I think kpop, for the most part needs to stay in Korea and I think BTS needs to bring it back down to Earth lmao.

It’s a lot of stress on the idols, the more popular they are the busier they will be. Look at BTS: they haven’t have a proper break since the YNWA album came out. Comebacks and tours are back to back, you can tell they are tired. I’m not a fan anymore but I feel bad for them, their health could be declining and nobody would even know. I mean, BTS really trying to collab with every American artist when most of them are trash. Steve Aoki is the only good collab BTS ever did. And on top of the whole BTS thing, TXT was signed to an American label like, yes they are under Bighit and they’re already big in Korea but they are children. I honestly don’t want them to ever promote in the U.S. It might be too much and they’ll probably get hate cause “they aren’t BTS” and they’re kids. It’s really unnecessary for Bighit to do that imo. Just promote them in Korea and Japan. If they start promoting in the states that could go so horribly. First of all, they are actual children. They are young and have no idea how American react to kpop and they don’t need to be doing all this ridiculous American debuts and such because their tiny bodies will get worn down and it’s not far on them. It’s not far that they just debut and Bighit just wants to make money off of them. It’s too much for them to handle. I don’t want them to get hurt. Just like I don’t want Monsta-X to get hurt.

Anyway, before I lose my already derailed train of thought, I think it’s cool that all these groups are breaking out into the U.S and slaying every country but I think they all need to slow their rolls. Honestly at this point BTS is more of American artists than Korean artists. They’re practically living over here, they keep attending American award shows. It’s ridiculous. And a lot of fans of kpop nowadays just know those groups listed above because that’s all anyone ever talks about. It’s..its..like..stan underrated groups, they work so hard and get no recognition or anything. It break my multi-stanning ass’s heart.

I love Monsta-X, BlackPink, Twice, Got7, Exo, Red Velvet, and NCT but those aren’t the only groups. Those are just the most popular in Korea and the states and prolly to rest of the world and because of this there’s literally 5 people each supporting these smaller groups.

Getting off track I liked the golden age of kpop better. Groups like Infinite, Brown Eyed Girls, Big Bang, 2NE1, Shinee, KARA, TARA, Sistar, MBLAQ, 2PM, Miss A, Wonder Girls, 9Muses and ZE:A. That’s where it was at people. Just a few non Korean fans, no fan wars, at least no as bad as rn, no salty fans complaining about collars between Shinee and Fx or Big Bang and Wonder Girls, no scandals, no hate, idols could date and not get hate cause it was in secret, idols could interact with each other on music shows and there was no “omg they must be dating” rumors. It was all pure fun and just people of the same age having fun and being close because they were all lit adults who were in the music industry together.

I guess I should like an old woman complaining about the better days huh? I like so many groups, even the ones of today but the older days were better. There’s just too much going on rn. I guess that’s why I’m into underrated groups now because the small fandoms and they’re no fights or hate and it’s calming. I stan so many groups. I feel old. Stan LC9