#anyway. feeling hella suicidal since all the things are all connected and all the mental anguish is ganging up on me ✌

[robinsnest2111]

if I just had someone to hold me through all the bullshit emotions bombarding my brain right now I probably wouldn't have to suffer as much as I do right now. stupid...

[starryjyrus]

What Jyrus Means Too Me and Why I’ll Never Be Fully Won Over By Tyrus:

!!TW OF ATTEMPTED SUICIDE AND DISCUSSION OF MENTAL HEALTH!!

The Summer of 2017 was by far the best Summer I’ve ever had, it’s kind of a shame it was followed by the worst Summer I’ve ever had..

Anyway, back at that time I had been really into SmurfVlogs (still am, I’ve been watching him since about 2015-16 I’d say) anyway, everyone had been mourning the loss of Girl Meets World and he had announced on his channel that Disney planned on making a show similar to GMW and that the pilot had been released on YouTube, I became hella curious especially when I had heard the rumor that there was a possibility of a gay main character and that there was supposedly going to be a gay love triangle between Cyrus/Andi/Jonah, this definitely peaked my interest considering Disney, outside of Good Luck Charlie and a few other cameo like characters/relationships spotted in different movies/series, like Finding Dory, hadn’t really had that. And a MAIN character? Possibly TWO main characters being LGBT? I obviously had to watch. I of course heard other things that made the series look good, ie the Teenage Pregnancy storyline, the diversity in casting and more, but this is what sold me. Thus started my obsession.

Anyway, I watched the show. I watched the first episode on YouTube and continued watching after that, I remember the break in between the middle of season 1 that was only like two weeks, I remember seeing missing scenes in the show that wasn’t in the original promo (their was a shot of the coming out scene in the season one promo, if it wasn’t obvious to some episode 1 of season 2, or at least the first half, was originally the episode 13 of season 1) and I remember the speculation around that and the reasoning as to why they had cut that scene out.

I was in love with it. The whole storyline was just so pure and the relationship between Jonah and Cyrus was the single best thing I’ve ever witnessed. I made a fan account on Insta for it, a Tumblr, edits and so much more. The whole community was so beautiful and it was so much fun and wholesome. I’d watch the show and remember how amazing the world could be, how something like the ‘friendom’ could exist haha. I was getting older and I know it seemed weird (I was going into my Sophomore year, possibly just ending my Freshman year of school when I started watching) to be so invested in a CHILDS show but I couldn’t help it. It was an escape from reality. A place with positivity and happiness which at that time I desperately needed.

I made some of my best memories of my life during that time of the show premiering and during the hiatus. And the majority was because of things in relation to Jyrus. I’ll never forget those times and what being connected into a fandom like that was like.

The friends, the edits, the Insta live-streams from casts, it was insane too see how happy they got from it all and how much of a new experience it was. Other things like the Asher ‘be you’ memes and Josh on here with his ‘persongoingfast’ tumblr made it great as well. Even if I’m not a big fan of Josh as a person now, due to reasons, (mainly with him seemingly making fun of or mocking Jyrus and stuff like that, considering I used to really look up to him and be a big fan to see belittle something I cared so deeply about hurt me on a level l cannot describe) him being so interactive then was still an amazing thing and helped make things so much more fun at that time, so thank you @joshua-rush for that. Sincerely.

Everything was so beautiful during that..until it lwasn’t.

My mental health got really bad due to some losses and such in my family around November of 2017 and I had to be hospitalized in a mental health facility for a few weeks. It was extremely scary but I found comfort in the place, mainly due to some fellow people inside that watched Andi Mack, relating to them and being able to talk about the show with people who actually watched it? It was incredible. No one up to that point (aside from my mom who I forced to watch with me) watched the show and could talk with me about it.

I got out and the support and concern I get from friends online was overwhelming, so many people cared about me while I was gone and worried about me. No one ever really did that, at least my friends didn’t, I remember opening my phone for the first time on the way back home when we stopped at a McDonalds and the amount of messages put me into tears. There were people online who I’ve never met and we only really knew each other through a ship and a show genuinely CARED about me? It was breathtaking. I have much more friends now that would be concerned and care about me, but at that time irl I really didn’t. And the fact so many did was unbelievable.

Everything slowly but surely was getting better and worse in some areas, my overall depression state was getting better, due to medication and such, but I had relapses a few times in bad areas like self harming as well. It was pretty back and forth for a while.

Then, the worst thing that could’ve happened, happened. A quick backstory is that I don’t live with my mom, I haven’t since 7th grade and instead have lived with my Great Aunt and Great Uncle. I was always very close to them for my entire life, especially my Great Uncle, he was for a long time the most important person in my life, he was like a father too me. Hell, he WAS my father for the majority of my life. And last year on July 11th, he had unfortunately passed away.

This was absolutely devastating and considering I already was struggling with mental health and depression in the first place..ya can probably guess the spiral that ensured.

For a while I was doing okay, and then one day I broke, it had been around the time of Cyrus confirming he no longer had a crush on Jonah and when everyone started to switch from Jyrus to Tyrus and Jyrus shipper hatred became pretty popular. People were sending a specific Jyrus shipper anons of saying they wished they’d die just because they shipped Jyrus, you couldn’t go on YouTube comment sections on videos about Jyrus because you had people shitting on it everywhere, people started commenting under Jyrus edits on Instagram about how Tyrus was better and how gross it was to ship Jyrus, I got DMs of people genuinely upset because I didn’t like Tyrus, I had friends leave the sites due to the bullying they were receiving, we had some Tyrus account going around saying Jyrus shippers were ped*philes, It was insane. Now, I of course was NO saint and I know I’ve done and said some messed up shit too and if I ever hurt anyone I am deeply sorry for that, it was not my intention. And I know Jyrus shippers are not all saints either but this was just out of control. Especially whenever it was hurting a lot of people who were innocent and making them feel wrong about something as little as shipping something.

And I had a mental breakdown. I had just lost the most important person in my life and now the place that I considered my safe haven was crumbling before my eyes and all I could do was watch. It was too much. I had people saying they wanted shippers like me dead, and finally I just couldn’t handle it and completely had a melt down. If you are already having thoughts like these and you have people reinforcing what you already thought and not making you feel like you belong, well, anywhere, it really does get too you.

I of course, came out alright. Thank you to the Tumblr creator that called the police that night for a lot of that.

I’m sorry this is so long but I’ve been holding this in for so long so please bare with me.

Anyway, I am doing much better now and I’m thankful to be here still. I’m learning to fight against the haters rather then take shit and bottle things up like I used too. I still have a lot of issues but since that awful night, I haven’t had any plans of suicide or many thoughts of it.

I’m going into my last year of high school and soon I’ll be a legal adult. It’s been such a ride to get here and honestly I never thought I would but I finally think I’m getting past all of the shit in my past and am moving on.

My main reason to make this post and to be so open about everything here was to try to explain a lot of why I’m always going to be for Jyrus and not so much for Tyrus. I have other issues then the fans when it comes to Tyrus, but it has always been a main one when it comes to me not wanting to ship it.

When I look at Jyrus, despite them being pure and amazing on their own, I see some of my last good memories, I see the best time of my life, I see a point where I felt the best and where everything was going really right too me, I see long lasting friends, I see beautiful edits, I see a community, I see love, I see loyalty and so much more.

But when I look at Tyrus, all I see is the bad memories I have associated with them and the shippers, in a lot of ways, Tyrus has been a huge source of my personal pain in life, I know it seems silly and it probably is, but I have such an emotional dependence on Jyrus and Tyrus messed me up in a lot of ways in regards to that. I lost the majority of my safe haven when they emerged as more then just a crack ship. All I see when I look at them is sadness and that’s all I’m probably going ever going to see.

I tried in numerous areas to get fully on board with the ship but I just can’t. I have no love for it in a way I do for Jyrus. It’s not a terrible ship, I know that, but throughout everything that has happened even if it had no flaws I don’t think I’d ever ship it a lot.

I know everyone has their own version of things and reasons why they ship what they ship or don’t ship what they ship or like some shippers but hate others, this is just my personal story on the matter and I hope it clears up some of why I act the way I do online sometimes and why I’m so defensive of the ship and shippers.

Sorry this was so weird, I just needed to get this off of my chest cause I’ve had it in there for so long and I needed to talk about it.

[ncfan-1]

I just want to say I adore all of the meta you've done on Eclipsa! And I loved your headcanon and fanfic on Skywynne being Eclipsa's first daughter too! Do you have any other headcanons about them or other past Mewni Queens?

Thankyou! I’m glad you liked the fic and the meta!

As forhead canons, well, I’m keeping some of my Eclipsa head canons under wraps untilwe find out more about her on the show, but there are some I can talk about.She had Skywynne (or whoever her older daughter turns out to be, if theyaddress this on the show and it turns out to be someone else) at a relativelyyoung age, nineteen. She married her Mewman husband when she was seventeen. Hewas only a year older than her; this wasn’t some ‘old man marrying a child’deal. They were friendly with one another (they liked to talk shit aboutmembers of the court they didn’t like together, and both trusted to the other’sdiscretion), and her feelings for him were… complex. So complex that Eclipsaherself can’t really define them.

Whydid she marry him? The Butterfly family sort of goes through cycles of having alot of branches or relatively few; in present-day, it’s pretty extensive, butin Eclipsa’s time, it was relatively small. Eclipsa didn’t have a lot of alliesat court, and her future husband was from a powerful family. When thingsdeteriorated, the fact that he was from a powerful family wound up workingagainst her. Badly.

Skywynne?Once her mother was crystallized, Skywynne did much the same as Elizabeth Iregarding Anne Boleyn and never spoke of her again. She wore some of hermother’s old jewelry from time to time, but otherwise, avoided any connectionto her. Skywynne had to work hard to rehabilitate the reputation of the crownin the eyes of the Mewman people after everything that went down with Eclipsa.She had to work equally hard to avoid falling under suspicion of sharing hermother’s “unconventional” beliefs, both regarding dark magic and the place ofmonsters in Mewni society. (Her natural position towards both was already inline with Mewman society as a whole. She was predisposed to fear and distrustdark magic, and was inculcated with the institutionalized racism of her people,which unlike her mother, she never shook off, nor even questioned. This didn’tmatter to the royal court.)

Skywynne’spersonal feelings for her mother were complicated, to put it mildly. Sheregarded her mother’s fleeing Mewni as a personal betrayal, and even beforethen, their relationship wasn’t untroubled. I talked about it in thispost, but basically, Eclipsa, though she loved Skywynne and she did try, wasn’t an ideal mother. AsQueen, she already didn’t have much time for her kid, but she was also, uh,consumed with other things (Research into dark magic. Trying to make strides inintroducing reforms into how monsters are treated. Stuff like that). Also,performing the constant emotional labor that comes with being an involvedparent didn’t come naturally to her. They didlove each other; they just didn’t have a perfectly untroubled relationship.Eclipsa was a bit absent, and Skywynne more than a little needy. They bondedover a shared love of spellcasting and research.

On topof regarding her mother’s fleeing Mewni as a personal betrayal, she wasrepelled by Eclipsa’s experimenting with dark magic (though like the rest ofthe MHC, she didn’t know exactly what Eclipsa did, and never cared to find out)and repelled by the notion that monsters should be regarded as equal toMewmans. Her feelings towards Meteora were resentment that this was the childher mother had “replaced” her with mixed with quiet revulsion of theabomination she and society both regarded a Mewman-monster hybrid as being.

Butlike Eclipsa, Skywynne had a fascination with incredibly dangerous magic, though unlike her mother she had thegood fortune to be drawn to magic that wasn’t regarded as “dark.” Unfortunatelyfor her, time magic happens to be even more inherently dangerous than most ofthe dark magic her mother came up with. She died a rather gruesome death whenone of her experiments went wrong.

Otherhead canons?

-Skywynne had a twin girl and boy at the age of thirty-five, and no otherchildren.

-Celena the Shy, like Star, read Eclipsa’s chapter, and like Star, made use ofthe All-Seeing Eye, though she did so much more than Star did. A bit too much,in fact. Her insatiable curiosity led her towards “things men were not meant toknow”-type knowledge, and as tends to happen when someone stumbles on “thingsmen were not meant to know”-type knowledge, Celena did not come away from thatmentally unscathed. Many of her contemporaries thought she held her fan up toher mouth as some sort of nervous tic. It was in fact because of a curse thatwas laid upon her; I’ll leave that one to your imagination. The fact that shewears gloves over her hands may be significant.

-Celena favored plant creation magic. She wasn’t much of a fighter.

- Eclipsamet her monster lover/possible second husband shortly after she became Queen.She had a number of monster friends that she made when she snuck out of thecastle while she was still just the princess.

-Someone, I think it was @nomidot, head canons (or head canoned; I don’t know ifthey still do) Eclipsa’s mother as being blind. I like that head canon, so ifthey don’t mind, I think I’m going to use it, too. My version of Eclipsa’smother was named Persephone. She went blind as a young child due to illness.She could be rather distant with the court, fierce with her own child, but shestill loved Eclipsa very much, and Eclipsa spent much of her childhoodpractically attached to her mother’s hip. Eclipsa didn’t like to worryPersephone, though she spent plenty of time worrying about Persephone. Persephone had an ebony cane with a silver handlethat she used to walk with.

-Eclipsa’s father died when she was a little girl; she has no clear memories ofhim. Her mother died when she was fifteen.

-Eclipsa’s first foray into dark magic involved trying to bring her mother backto life. It ended badly. Really badly. The results were… Well, imagine theresults of human transmutation in FMA: Brotherhood if the result was actuallythe person the alchemist was trying to bring back to life, and you get thepicture. What was brought back didn’t survive very long.

-Already reeling from the loss of her mother, Eclipsa sank into a deep, numbdepression after her attempt to bring her mother back to life failed so spectacularly.Her first husband supported her through it (though he didn’t know about theresurrection attempt; no one in the royal court did), hence Eclipsa’s verycomplex feelings for him. No one else had been willing to do that; just him.She sort of fell in love with him during this period. It wasn’t an enduringlove; what it was was lingering.

-Solena died by committing suicide.

- I’mwavering on whether the “a castle stormed” in Solaria’s tapestry poem refers toher castle being stormed, or her storming someone else’s castle, namely acastle belonging to the monsters. Right now, I kinda want to believe that whatwe know as the Butterfly family’s castle was originally a castle belonging tothe monsters that Solaria sacked and conquered. After she conquered the castleand established it as the home of her court, any references to it having oncebeen the monsters’ castle were thoroughly effaced. Whether or not I stick withthis head canon, I’m head canoning her as one of the earlier Queens of Mewni,rather than being one of Eclipsa’s descendants.

-Bubipsa the Barbarian Baby-Eater… oh boy. Right now, I’m head canoning the‘barbarian’ part of her epithet as coming from her having a Johansen father. Asfor the ‘Baby-Eater’ part… She got away with it because the babies in question weremonsters. Yes, really. Even the ultra-racist Mewman royal court regarded thisas being beyond the pale of acceptable behavior, because, you know, babies. Since they were monster babies, though, the MHC didn’tregard this as a crystallizing offense (Though Rhombulus was still appalled.Hence why he cites his mistaken recollection of Eclipsa as being a baby-eateras justification for crystallizing her). Bubipsa was eventually killed when herdaughters staged a coup against her; eating babies wasn’t the only unsavorything she was doing, as it turns out. Oh, and no matter how evil you thinkEclipsa might turn out to be, Bubipsa was worse. Much worse.

- Thetreaty Comet intended to sign with the Monster King… Well, monsters would havebeen better off if the treaty had been signed, but that’s more because therearen’t too many ways they could be worse offthan because it was a fair, equitable document that was going to signal thebeginning of a new age of peace and friendship between Mewmans and monsters.Comet’s particular brand of racism was the (not really) “benevolent” kind. Thekind of benevolent racism that believes in noble savages and ExceptionalMonsters and “separate, but equal.” Which is to say, still hella racist.  (I don’t have a hard head canon for why Toffeekilled her, not yet. I’m still hoping the show will address that directly.)

- Star (is not a past Queen of Mewni, but she’s on here anyways)was originally left-handed, but when she was about seven years old, she brokeher arm while playing (Let’s be real, given the stuff we know she got up topre-S1, she probably wound up with broken bones at least a couple of times).Her mother let the break heal naturally rather than heal it with magic to tryto teach Star a lesson about being reckless (And because healing magic can bekind of dicey and Moon isn’t an expert, but she told Star it was to teach her alesson about recklessness). One of the consequences was that Star had to learnto write with her right hand while she had the cast on, and couldn’t reallywrite with her left hand anymore even after the cast came off. She still usesher left hand for plenty of stuff, and is still left-side dominant, but shewrites with her right hand nowadays.

(Theissue muddling this is that pretty much anyone who’s left-handed has to learnhow to do certain things with their weak hand. I’m left-handed, and I can tellyou that the average left-hander uses their right hand for more things than theaverage right-hander uses their left hand for.)

[rinadewolffe]

My impression of Life is Strange: Before the Storm

So I got through it last night. I actually had to think things through because I really feel heartbroken. And from now on, here come the massive spoilers for the game.

So, Life is Strange... We know that. There is no other person, living, dead or fictional I could relate to more than Chloe Price. Ever since the first season of Life is Strange I wanted to know her story as well. And honestly, thank you Deck9 to take me on that journey. Even in Before the Storm I have three save files: one for my best friend, one in which I make the decisions like I was sixteen and one in which I decide like I would decide at my current age. But I consider my official playthrough is the one on which I make choices like I was sixteen and here’s the reason why: I was nothing more than Chloe. We clearly have some differences, but I also know how it feels to be alone, in pain, boycotted, being a freak etc.

No, my father is not dead. He was just wasn’t around when I needed him most. Not because he died or because he didn’t love me, simply, he worked far away from home most of the time. And only recently he decided he’s fed up with that and he will start working in the region. It will not really affect my life or how I grow up as I’m way over 14, I’m over my teenagehood, in fact, officially I’m even closer to 30 than to 20. And when my father wasn’t around I was left alone with my mother who... whom I actully love, but she is toxic.

Getting back to the topic, I didn’t lose my father but I lost a father figure at the age of 12. That was when my world turned upside down. And I felt just like Chloe: alone with grief. She couldn’t understand why that happened to her and neither did I. We both tried to brush the pain away. And here is just another difference: I didn’t get addicted to weed. I simply tried to drink the pain away and I rebelled like never before, up until I turned around 23.

When Chloe met Rachel they immediately felt that it was something different. Whether or not it was something more than a friendship, it was strange and strong. And believe me, meeting this kind of a person is only once in a lifetime. Their bonding started immediately.

But was Rachel really manipulative? Was she so bad for Chloe? Remember how Eliot tried to make her see it that way? It was just the Max vs Max scene in the first season, when “Bad Max” tried to convince Max about that Chloe is bad for her. Could that be Chloe was simply blind and she was just happy she actually found someone she could trust? Is it really that bad?

But let’s forget about the moral questions right now, let’s actually get to the episode.

So how was it? We were thrown right into the middle: we learned Sera’s story. It was actually told. The mystery is over. Dislike. However I loved the depiction, how the two girl watched the story through the viewfinder. Because that was where their bonding really started, right? At the viewfinder.

The next scene in Rachel’s room was just... Heartbreaking and heartwarming at the very same time. This was the time when their relationship deepened. Chloe just made it clear that she would do anything for Rachel. She knew she just found that special person. Rachel was the only one there for Chloe in that confusion and vice versa, no wonder their relationship developed quickly.

I think it’s needless to say that every scene which involves David purely disgust me. The only reason is that he is also broken but he plays his cards very, very wrong. Like Chloe was a threat to her. He stated that he knows she didn’t like him, but seemingly it works vice versa as well. The only person here who tries to keep things together is Joyce but her opinion about disciplining clearly differs from David’s. He tries, but his methods are so wrong and there’s no way he can’t see it. The thing he tried to connect to Chloe through the death of his friend is just simply... weird, to say the least and it was not enough. It would never change the fact that he doesn’t respect Chloe and this was the first time he actually almost hit her. The girl was disrespectful, I admit that, but let’s be honest, David was a dick to her before and it wouldn’t change just in one day. 

Moving on to the junkyard where Chloe could actually fix the truck and she meets Rachel, Merrick and Frank. The fact that Rachel finds the whole fixing the car and having a blue strand of hair hot is just... I don’t know, it totally hints that Chloe’s not the only one who’s crushing... Anyway, of course it wouldn’t last. The way Merrick tried to prove he’s the alpha is just... I wanted to say it’s disgusting but thinking about it, it’s just typical. And the fight scene was something I was not prepared for, however by the trailer I had the feeling that Rachel would get hurt. If you try to mock Chloe about that she did actually nothing, try to think about it: she actually admitted that she froze. She technically blamed herself. She didn’t really think about that she actually got Rachel to the hospital just in time. I think most of us would just freeze in a situation like this. The hospital scene was just the peak for me, to be honest. The promise Chloe made to Rachel was the sign of that she would do anything for her. And around this point I started to lose my shit, especially after the scene with Eliot.

Like, what was he thinking? He was stalky enough in the hospital, wasn’t he? But when he went full rage on Chloe he almost scared me. He used to be the Warren of Before the Storm. By that time it became clear that yeah, he’s Warren but dumber, more stalky and much more unstable. Actually scary. I partly get where it comes from: he feels like Chloe is ungrateful. He even emphasized that he was there for her all along. That’s right. Okay. They dated for a while and it surely made a bigger impact on the guy. But releasing all this anger on the girl was just not right. Not like this. The only thing he achieved was Chloe couldn’t care any less about him. 

And this was where I lost it, finally. When Chloe got to the mill. Right before that when she spoke to her dad one last time, admitting finally that was not real was really touching, but she had only one goal: to save Sera so Rachel could actually meet her. That whole scene, including, and actually highlighting Sera’s and Chloe’s conversation was so off, so unreal for me I basically lost faith in the game. (And I had no idea the worst was yet to come...) My 16 year old mind wouldn’t have understood the whole situation either. Rachel would’ve deserved to meet her (I know there is an option, if you choose the bracelet in episode 2), but still... Maybe Sera was right, maybe she wasn’t. Chloe did everything she could. The last decision was just like... terrible. There’s no good ending again, right? Lying or telling the truth, in both cases Rachel would be hurt one way or another.

And finally... the ending scene which left me... I don’t actually know if I feel dissatisfied or dissapointed. Definitely not backstabbed. But wrapping up 3 years like this is just... so off for me and I guess I’m not the only one. They were happy. Chloe believed for the first time after a very long time that she can be happy and she definitely deserved that after all the things she had to go through. The dark room scene, the actual ending scene is just messed up. I really hoped that I could see more of these two. I don’t want to rant about this, really. And I won’t say that the game sucks. I actually still love the game, I love the characters, I love how mental and emotional problems are depicted. My problem is (as it was with the first season as well) the ending. Nothing else. But let’s just try to sum things up, it’s hella time, LOL.

Rachel and Chloe met when they were most in need for someone. They helped each other out. They both had issues, that’s right, but it doesn’t mean that they are bad for each other. They needed understanding and they could provide it for each other. If you think that there was no Amberprice in the last episode, think again: a relationship is not about making out all the time. There were  hugs and kisses and cuddling up and it’s not necessarily a friendship thing. Think it over. If you still think they are toxic and trash, try to think it over. Most probably you never had issues like them. You should be a little bit more open minded. People with mental and emotional issues are stigmatized everyday. IT HAS TO STOP! Not understanding something can easily lead to bullying and bullying is more than just a little harmful. It can lead to suicide. And if you think that these kind of people are better off dead, the problem is with you. It’s time to think about it...

Anyway, I loved the game overall, generally it was well made, and met almost all my expectations, but the ending... I can’t help it, it’s just FUCKED UP. I’m sorry. I can’t get over it. Deck9 basically went Dontnod about the ending. I hope they are not intending to cut the ties with this. We need more Chloe and Rachel. If not by them, please, anyone. Three years is like a vast time. 

Well guys, that’s it for now, I guess it’s more than enough XD Further questions, comments and anything are more than welcome.

Stay hella, guys!

[the-rainbow-shaka-brah]

(I have no idea how to title this because well, this post is going to get kinda personal)

Life is Strange saved my life. Now I know what you're thinking, how could a video game save someone's life. Well, here's the thing... it's not just a game... it's an experience, one that got me back on the right path in life.

 Before I found Life is Strange I was very depressed, like... dark thoughts depressed and... I remember searching through Jacksepticeye's playlist collection at 2 o'clock in the morning for something to watch and finding three 2 hour videos about a game I had never heard of and frankly had no interest in. I figured I'd just watch it until I was bored out of my mind and eventually fell asleep, but what I found was amazing. 

I was hooked on Doctor Who at the time and loved anything that had to do with time travel, so when I first saw our shy cliche hipster protagonist... I felt...connected, like... I had something in common with this character. And sure enough, Max and I share a lot of the same fear, we're both talkative and quiet all at the same time. And we had one person in life... that after years apart, opened our hearts. Unfortunately, I realized my true feeling too late and we haven’t spoken in almost 3 years.

Anyways, I watch all the videos (Chrysalis- Chaos Theory) and immediately fell in love. I didn't start out shipping Pricefield, because well, homosexuality was still kinda new to me. I grew up with... I don't want to say homophobic but yeah, parents who didn't really teach or tell me anything about girls liking girls and boys liking boys. But by the time I played Episode 5: Polarized and watched Max and Chloe kiss... like... kiss for reals, it didn't seem weird. It felt so natural and normal and...oddly comforting.

I started to think why that was.

Let's just say the game made me look at my whole life and re-evaluate it. I saw that throughout my whole life... I've liked both boys and girls. 

The realization was shocking and frankly, it scared me absolutely shitless.

So I hid my discovery for months, unsure how to... tell my parents that I was... well, what ever I was.

When I finally came out, my mom was...shocked I guess, she didn't really have a reaction and neither did my dad. They both said not to think too much about it, that I shouldn't rush into decisions like that. While writing this right now, I realized that... They didn't want me to be the way I am... and that sucks because come on... parents always tell you never to be ashamed of who you are.

I struggled for a whole year, forced to keep my newfound identity a secret. My parents closeted me and that's so not right. I became depressed to the point where I started thinking about my life’s worth, and if it was really worth anything. I made the mistake of telling my parents and they, of course, said that if I was having those thoughts they’d send me away to a medical facility or something. So I lied and said that I simply meant I felt like I was losing sight of what I wanted to do with my life. They believed me and the matter was dropped. So I continued to suffer in silence. 

 So, I guess as a coping mechanism, I started writing my fears into my Life is Strange fan fiction and well, it helped... a lot. I started talking to the kind people over at LifeisStrangeFans.com and found so much support, people who accept and are okay with who I am.

As of March 23, 2017, I came out to the rest of my family as Bisexual, everyone is... well struggling with it. My mother seems to be the one struggling the most, even comparing having my pride flag hanging up on the wall to having a swastika up. I don't understand her and she doesn't understand me, maybe we're not meant to, but I hope someday in the future we can settle our differences and become the strong family we once were.

The rest of my family though... shit, don’t even get me started. My grandparents were devastated and completely denied my sexuality, and I haven’t really heard from them since. My uncle dissed me on Facebook and... not even bothering to say my name (if he was trying not to out me I get that but saying “At least you were raised right” to my friend is hella fucked up).

Life is Strange has been there for me, the game has given me a wonderful fandom that hungers for new content and I'm glad I'm able to contribute.  

I started writing Life is Strange Fan fiction in 2016, shortly after the Episode 5 finale. I, like many, was greatly disappointed in the “Sacrifice Arcadia Bay” ending so, I set out to make it better. In its earliest variation, my first fan fiction “The Calm Before The Storm” [Which is currently being rewritten (again)] was only 7 chapters long. Now, almost a year later, it’s complete, coming in at a total of 78 chapters. Wowser. I’ve grown as a person since then, mentally and emotionally.

In my newest fic #NoFilter, I deal with much darker topics than in my original “fluff fest” of a fan fic. For one, I wrote both Max and Chloe to have dark pasts, full of pain and hurt. Thankfully, most of the things they experianced have not happened to me, but some of them have. (spoilers) Both Max and Chloe are suicidal (Max being passive, Chloe being semi-agressive), and that’s something I’m still, to this day,  dealing with. This story is my therapy, this game has been my therapy. This game means everything to me... it’s basically the reason I’m still here writing this today

I don’t want to sound all self centered or anything, but I highly recomened reading said fics. Here’s the link (if anyone has even read this far) if you’re interested.

“The Calm Before The Storm”: 

Wattpad

FanFic.Net

“#NoFilter”

Wattpad

FanFic.net     (This one’s hard to read at first cause I was still getting used to using this site but it gets better around Chapter 10)

So... thanks to anyone who read this... i don’t have a lot of people to vent to nowadays... 

[newhologram]

New’s Atlas Subluxation and chronic illness timeline

It’s in my nature at this point to document things and it’s smart to keep track of my healing post-procedure anyway, so I might as well make a timeline here and share the experience as usual :p 

Feel free to ask any questions, it doesn’t bother me at all. We need to let patients be teachers too, I think. 

So here is my atlas subluxation and chronic illness timeline with backstory leading up to the procedure before it gets super specific with dates. I will try to update this during my healing as much as I can to document changes. I’m putting lots of links to posts where I talk about things as well, but you can also go into these tags on my blog to find more information: #personal #atlas subluxation #fibromyalgia #chronic pain #chronic illness #invisible illness #narcolepsy #ulcerative colitis  1.16.17 Posted with info up until this day. 4.12.17 3 month update!

1989: Born December 29th at a 3 1/2 lbs. Taken out prematurely because there was a complication with the umbilical cord and I was no longer growing. I had to stay in an incubator for 11 days until I weighed enough to go home, which was 5 1/2 lbs. It’s unclear whether or not the subluxation was present after birth; it’s possibly that I could’ve been pulled out in a way that caused it, but we have the next event as a definite marker for when things started getting worse. 

Summer of 1996, age 6: While playing with sister I accidentally fractured my collar bone. I went up into the air, I remember seeing the ceiling coming closer, and then I fell straight down onto my back pretty hard. I cried and cried and said over and over again, “I broke something, I broke something” until they took me to the hospital. I vividly remember how I shook when they put me on the table to x-ray me. The doctor cheered me up by pointing out the gas in my chest. But basically they were like yep, there’s a fracture right there. And they sent me home with a sling. I remember that it had dinosaurs on it and it made me happy.

1996~2000, age 6 to 10: Always sick. Daily stomach aches, digestive issues leading to restrictive diet, nausea, back pain, bad posture, fatigue, insomnia, nightmares, sleepwalking, always cold, chronic bronchitis, hypersensitivity to stimulus like sound, light, color, taste, smell, temperature, and even experiences whether positive or negative, auditory processing disorder making it hard to understand what people said, problems with being “too excitable” and having intense reactions to rejection which was hard because I was constantly bullied and controlled by peers for being “weird” and “different”. I struggled in most subjects, but especially math, and I could never really handwrite properly, even to this day. School in general was just very hard because I never felt well and couldn’t keep up with others. Crying on the floor meltdowns whenever there are loud sports games or if a friend goes home early from a sleepover or if a parent gets mad at me (or I think they are). These meltdowns persisted into adulthood. I was always just called dramatic for them.

2001~2009, age 11 to 19: Middleschool and highschool were even harder. I struggled in most classes except for creative ones. Health problems persisted: first sleep paralysis with hallucations episode at age 12 or 13 and often had episodes after school that would eat up my early evening and wear me out mentally, still had problems with bronchitis, ovarian cyst caused me a lot of pain and missed classes, then I started having even worse digestive problems. By age 15 I had my first upper endoscopy and colonoscopy where they discovered ulcers in my esophagus, stomach, and intestines. Feelings of isolation, unable to feel like I could connect with people, noticeable depression, loneliness. First vomiting panic attack at age 17. At 19 did a homestay in Japan; an amazing experience but made difficult by vomiting, fatigue, insomnia, anxiety leaving the house and exploring by myself and freaking out when I got lost.

2010~2016, age 20-26: Health problems begin to worsen in early adulthood. Age 21: I’m vomiting a few times a week and having a ton of other problems, diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. Sleep and fatigue problems making it hard to work at my retail job especially while I’m in college. Age 23: suddenly the sleep paralysis and insomnia are impossible to manage and I go several months with very little sleep, getting worse and worse, every day having looong hard sleep paralysis episodes that leave me with horrible headaches and slurring like I’m drunk. I still go to auditions and work jobs I book as best as I can but get a narcolepsy diagnosis after a long process of sleep study and being yanked around by insurance not letting me actually see the neurologist for my diagnosis. Depression is getting to the point where it almost paralyzes me but I do my best. Health problems cause fights with family. Age 24: not long after the narcolepsy diagnosis: the pain and fatigue become excessive and debilitating and I get the fibromyalgia diagnosis. Condition worsens and worsens, a bump forms on my upper spine that causes horrific pain and distress. 2014 I’m in the ER/urgent care 4 times because the pain makes it unable to rest or stop vomiting for days on end (the most being 6 days where I lost 12lbs). I go to an Ayurvedic healing center because the doctors were useless. There is some improvement but I still struggle, at least I had a lot of good coping tools to keep myself a live, if only barely at times. In bed most days in horrible pain and exhausted by simple things such as getting up to use the restroom. Depression is horrible and a cloud of suicidal urges hang over me for almost 2 years because I feel like a failure who is ruining my family’s happiness by being sick and I feel an intense hatred for myself. I try to work a very mellow part time job at a perfumery but the pain makes it too hard and I’m eventually let go.   Age 25: Depression persists but I force myself to start doing background TV/film work on a weekly basis. Making money helps calm me but it’s incredibly difficult with my health problems and I often vomit on set from fatigue and pain. I start seeing a chiropractor to help alleviate the pain and depression. It helps but I have to see him twice a week at first, then once, then every other week, but during a flare up it’s back to once a week. I also start seeing an acupuncturist which helps with organ function and eases some symptoms but I still have to see her regularly and the expenses add up and cause more problems with my family since I’m barely able to afford them on my own.  Age 26: I get a part time job in retail to help supplement me while I do background work. With the skills I learned I’m able to manage things but I still suffer a lot every day and don’t sleep well because of the pain. Later in the year I stop doing bg work and get an additional part time job. I had accepted long ago that I would be in pain for the rest of my life and that all these tiny minimum wage paychecks I worked so hard through agony for would just go straight into managing my symptoms. I accepted that by age 45 I might be bedridden but at least I was doing my best now in my 20′s and I needed to accept whatever time my body had on this planet and do my best to be a source of light for others going through the same thing.

Starting the week of the December 18th, 2016, I have a lot of work days in a row and I’m slammed with auditions. It’s getting colder and colder, my pain is higher, I don’t have much time to rest. By Christmas Eve I’m in bed all the day with only short sporadic moments up to pee or try to soothe the depression with an activity. It’s so bad I can barely last 20 minutes at times before I have to stumble back to bed green in the face and weak.

This flare up continued until Wednesday, January 11th, 2017. 25 days of high pain and fatigue levels and going a few weeks only able to eat yogurt and a few crackers with one or two proper meals a week if I can. Lots of throwing up, usually two nights in a row, maybe a little break, and then back to it, just horrible persistent deep nausea. This is why I got down to 103lbs. Oops.

So, here’s where the timeline of atlas subluxation discovery and treatment starts:

12.18.16 ~ 1.11.17: Flare up from hell that wouldn’t end. It was suddenly back to the intense high levels I had back in 2014 when I didn’t know all these pain management techniques. Naturally, I was terrified and used every possible coping technique possible to get through it. Since it was so high I was just. Hoo. Each day was a rollercoaster. The pain gives me hella moodswings. Zip, zip, had to just keep it zipped as much as I could so I didn’t look like an asshole. If I had to work one shift I basically had to make sure I didn’t do ANYTHING beforehand to save those spoons and keep the pain from spiking, but I didn’t want to pass up auditions so I forced myself to a few. The pain got so bad I couldn’t even sit up in bed most nights. Missed a lot of work. Had to meditate like crazy to keep positive thoughts in the front of my brain but it was very difficult.

1.5.17: Barely clinging to positivity but trying my best, since I’m always in bed I work up the strength with a LOT of rest and pain management to play a little Pokemon. Meanwhile I’m trying to work on gross crunchy calcium in the back of my neck (yeah, it’s nasty) and this huge chunk comes off inside my neck, like just... a crunchy chip floating in there that I could move and scrape against my neck

UM. I YELLED and immediately posted about it and freaked out because by googling “hard crunchy back of neck floating” I discovered atlas subluxation. http://newvagabond.tumblr.com/post/155495266822/atlas-orthogonal-changed-my-life-migraines

1.6.17: Appointment with primary care physician to update her on my rapidly worsening condition and talk to her about atlas subluxation. She got flustered and was saying, “this isn’t something the healthcare system considers as treatment” and I was like WHY and at this point I was done being pushed around and I said many times, “Sorry, I just need you to hear everything that I’m saying” as I went over this whole page of notes I made for her about how this procedure could give me my life back. I lamb’d her into submission in order to get her to write several referrals to try to find someone. All she could do was refer me to the bone doctor and the neurologist.

GUYS IT’S LITERALLY LIKE, oh, your brain and body are breaking down because this one bone might be out of place? It’s that simple and obvious and we can find it in x-rays easily if we know what we’re looking for and there are already specialists who do this specific adjustment around the world?

Hmm... nahhh... nah... don’t even check there. Just treat this girl’s depression and pain with drugs FIRST, before we determine that it’s the organs themselves with the deficiency. We’ll just try that and see what happens, $50 please. I have been on 3 different depression/anxiety meds, zofran, xanax, ativan, tramadol, various colon steroids?? Just a ton of crap.

Even knowing I will need to pay an atlas doc out of pocket, I get so depressed that I can’t even bring myself to make a phone call for an appointment. 

1.11.17: Crying and screaming level of pain, very weak, depression so intense all I could think while obviously very, very ill was “I’m the worst/I should die/I’m just a problem/I’m ruining my dad’s life/I’m an unreliable loser and all my coworkers and employers think I’m lazy and dumb/no one likes me because I’m too weird and always sick” etc etc. My dad almost took me to the hospital because the pain was just way too intense and making me lose my shit. 

1.12.17, day of procedure: In the morning my dad called me and suggested we just do it, just call one of those specialists. I was in no state to make phone calls so he did it for me. He picked the closest one and called her. He said, “my daughter has fibromyalgia and she’s in bad shape” and the doctor said we could come in that day.

My post after the adjustment describing the experience with photos Even walking is different Other details about the visit Brain activity is high at bedtime but I can feel my body 1.13.17, day after procedure: Wake up sharp at 8am, do yoga. Got some pretty intense back and neck pains and fatigue but it’s different. I feel sore and aching like my body is letting go after holding onto something for a long time. I have an appetite.  Talking about how this is the first doctor I’ve ever met who was just so confident in her ability to help me instead of shrugging and giving me drugs Reeling because everything is making so much sense and how our medical system is awful Prophetic dream? 1.14.17, day 2: Went to school, had fun because I could think properly. My dad took me to do errands after. I got really tired and had pain but it was still very different. We picked up some suggestions the doc gave me to help my body during the healing process. Thinking about how crazy it is that my body is going to be slowly adjusting and healing over the next year or so More thoughts as I feel my body change and think about what lead up to all this Hope and healing Already seeing a drastic change in sleep

1.15.17, day 3: Back to work at my retail job. Kind of difficult because I’m under strict orders from the doctor not to lift more than 5lbs as not to make my atlas go back out of whack. Lots of pain and fatigue by noon from having to use my body so much. But brain is still sharp, having fun with customers.  On my break I start looking up atlas subluxation and how it affects a child’s brain development since I realize that this means that I grew up with a compressed brain stem. Unfamiliar feeling of peace and calm Sad thoughts remembering my childhood Suspicious of the medical system not recognizing this A thank you to friends and followers during this hugely important time

1.16.17, day 4: Day off. Pain levels got pretty high so I did my best to rest a lot. I was too tired to play more than a little video games.  Noticing I look different in pictures Anon asks if the bump on my spine is gone More research, ebook with alarming symptoms that match mine Exposing a secret Text post talking about the pain and family members looking into this now/ Meant to be Stepping stones Having another look at my MRI More info 1.17.17, day 5: Very tired. Slept in until 9am, managed to do 5 pushups, yoga, and some light hula hooping. Had a good breakfast and got about an hour of editing done by 11:30 before I was just way too tired, so I napped until a little after 1 and had a small lunch. The pain wasn’t so bad, it was mostly fatigue. I ended up needing another 30 minute nap before I went to work. I felt kind of depressed but I’m not sure if it’s because of my worry about work. I worked today and I have to work tomorrow, I’m just worried 2 days in a row will be rough like it usually is. I still really wish I could just take time off completely and not force myself through these shifts. But I don’t want to lose my jobs. :( We’ll see. Epic upper body spasm while trying to make a snack 1.18.17, day 6: I slept really well despite waking up randomly at 3. I felt calm and warm without my heated blanket on for awhile, and fell back asleep easily. I ate a really good breakfast and lunch and work wasn’t too bad. I’m still very sore and aching, and having to move around so much definitely doesn’t help that. My mood was back up again, but I do feel a bit emotionally overwhelmed by all this information. I’m feeling anger and the urge to call my primary care doctor and ask her how she can even call herself a doctor.  Wondering what differences my acupuncturist will notice Crooked glasses no crooked atlas yes Sharper brain at work Frustration and wondering how much worse I would’ve gotten Positivity is important but it doesn’t fix a spine by itself Happy to have answers but feeling a lot of sadness 1.19.17, day 7 and my follow up with the atlas orthogonal doctor: Follow up post here with “after” x-ray pics Thoughts on Snapchat Ashwagandha Lots of fatigue and also depressive mood swings keeping me in bed.  1.20.17, day 8: Fun day out with a friend, very much needed. She got me a gemstone for spinal alignment! Pain wasn’t too bad all day and by 5pm I was getting tired. VERY squirmy feelings. 

Atlas noise is grossing me out Dear my body Reflection on my experience in the crystal store and how life has been the past 4 years being so sick Thinking about a classmate saying something kind of inappropriate 1.21.17, day 9: Bad depression and fatigue. Missed school and had a really rough time at work. 1.22.17, day 10: Mood improved a lot, felt okay at work and had a good massage. Super hungry.  Sat at my desk for so long! But also so much wiggliness that I hate 

1.23.17, day 11: I felt good so I vlogged a lot! I pushed it a little and had to rest a lot after though, oops. 

Pain is high at bedtime, I need some kind of memory foam pillow 1.24.17, day 12: Acupuncture appointment went well, she was pretty amazed. Worked, pain came and went. Felt energetic. Even played OW when I got home. Depression is coming in smaller waves now but they’re still strong and can knock me over. Answering an ask about x-rays Another ask about fixing the atlas yourself Depression coping tips

1.25.17, day 13: A lot of depression first half of the day. It got better once I got to work. Pain got up there at night but I managed to get some OW in. Forgot to buy spicy patches but I have a new magnesium oil spray.

Brain reprogramming

1.26.17, day 14: Went to the market by myself and regretted it because I ended up in bad pain by 11am. Didn’t get much done the whole day, slept on and off like a toddler. 

Thoughts on growing up Spoonie snaps: food and owies Night sweats pretty much gone 1.27.17, day 15: Another day of lots of pain and fatigue, but I managed to do a little bit and play some games. The impact of choosing not to suffer in silence Fatigue depression

2.6.17, day... omg idfk! I’ve been so wiped out I haven’t had the energy to sit at my desk and keep this updated. 

Basically, things have still been a wild ride. I had a little over a week of high pain levels and fatigue but thankfully no vomiting, but looots of depression and badbrain. I’ve been doing my best to manage everything and stay on top of my self-care routine as usual. Each day is different and things are changing little by little. 

Since so many of my updates/thoughts are in text posts I’ll just link them like I was already doing. 

1.28.17 Chronic pain problem of trying to time medicating

1.29.17 I feel like I’m not allowed to rest One day I’ll be big and strong Recent snaps of pain management and finding comfort in cats and facemasks

1.30.17 PMS messing me up and such

1.31.17 Before and after x-rays and thoughts about my MRIs Got an adjustment at my regular chiro and it went great

2.1.17 Recent snaps of special spine pillow and such Missing gaming because too much pain ;(

2.2.17 Vlog teaser: working on medical marijuana vlogs! Advice for an anon Relating to a follower about overstimulation caused by a new pain

2.3.17 Spoonie actor visibility Snapchat story Heard back from the MyStrength people Intense flare with bad spine and rib pain and fever

2.4.17 Vlog about getting my handicap parking placard

2.5.17 Tonsil stones ; ; Morning depression Spoonies, Stay (about spoonie suicide) Intrusive thoughts, healing is painful, and on being a late bloomer

3.14.17

Time has gotten away from me. It’s hard to keep track of things. I’m having good days but more bad days. Lots of swelling in my upper neck now. Video here to show how big it gets http://newvagabond.tumblr.com/post/158336271242/this-is-what-i-mean-when-i-say-ow-my-upper-spine possibly because I didn’t rest and stuff, chiro had to do a lot

Depression was pretty bad too. And there’s been a huge weather change. It’s possibly that’s related to my flare up. Feeling hopeless.

Frustration at being told I’m lucky to be so skinny when I am skinny because of health problems Going to school in pain and realizing other people don’t have any idea what this is like  Spine pain feels like spine is moving slowly, like braces on teeth Feeling pressured to work when my body is not well I wish I’d known it’s not normal Bad pain, acupuncture, experimenting with oils Threw up for the first time since January  Being happy isn’t only for the neurotypical ER doctors hate us Malingering, teachers thinking I was faking Low spoons from having to keep up with people who have near infinite spoons

March got better towards the end with more frequent massage and me getting very serious about my Ayurveda self-care routine. Yoga deep stretch 2x a day, strict rest breaks, lots of ashwagandha, etc. Sleep became difficult again, both at night and during the day. 

Neurological tics and SP Spine spoonie end of March Appreciate the time a spoonie gives you Emotional detox the past 4 years Low pain day despite stress and activity ?? didn’t have to medicate until 9pm Ashwagandha powder feeling changes Two days in a row of low pain and good brain function Survival is anything but typical More ashwa goodness Glass half full Suddenly back to being in bed most of the day Medical records showing just how incompetent my old docs were What does it mean to be strong? Spine swelling stealing my days I want a spinal implant Spoonies are always performing Losing friends when you get sick

Sesame oil and hot/cold pack life New vape cartridge for spine pain relief! Golden milk with ashwagandha every night!

Had a very busy week even with low pain days and got worn out after 6 days, high pain, but still great mood. I felt very positive and optimistic. Reality felt very strange with low pain. But I was back to my usual struggle the next week. 

I still feel very much like the only way people will take my health seriously is if I push myself into collapsing. Also spine is so noisy when I do my yoga. I got my tax return and I’m so thankful because I was able to stock up on pain relief products! But I’m still kinda worried about the neurological symptoms I’m having.

 I saw my new doctor and was really surprised.

4.12.17 3 month update and thoughts.

[tinamaetales]

Plot Twists (2018 year end blog post)

Looking back, I never could’ve imagined that I will still be here. Whenever I think about how my 2018 started, I can’t help but be proud of myself – proud because the greatest achievement I’ve got from 2018 is my own survival. I never knew that in some really weird way, I will be able to find my will to live. And now here I am, a living proof that life is still worth fighting for despite all the chaos that surrounds you. While I gotta admit that I am not yet fully healed, I am trying my best to become better. In short, I’m still fighting.

I’ve welcomed 2018 in a gloomy manner. It was during those times wherein my depression is really at its peak and nothing can make me feel better. My family and I went to my mother’s hometown in Matnog, Sorsogon for the holidays and despite the fact that I get to bond with them and welcome the New Year with the people whom I know loves me the most, I was still on my lowest low. The thing about depression is that it is not just sadness, it is a mental disorder. What most people failed to see is that depression isn’t just about being sad – it is a battle inside your head, a battle against yourself and your own demons. Back then, my nights are filled with crying until I fall asleep and my mornings are filled with anxiety and fears. To make it short, I was a mess.

I don’t know where I got the courage to do it but I managed to bring myself to the Hospital that has a Psychiatry Department. I just went there with a very messy mind. I asked the staff at the lobby if there are any available Psychiatrists for that day and they told me that their doctors would only accept patients if they have an appointment but nonetheless I decided to just ask for the room number so I can secure a schedule for the next weekend. But, fate seems to be on my side that day because when I asked the doctor’s secretary, she told me that I can see the Psychiatrist even without securing an appointment – they can accommodate me since they do not have much patient that day, it is just that I’ll be last on the list.

After that, I was under medication. I was given anti depressants and meds for my panic attacks. What I’ve realize is that the battle I am in is actually more tiring than any other physical activities; it was a never ending battle against yourself. And even though you already have the medications and professional help to back you up, your willingness to help yourself plays a significant role too. At the first few weeks, I’m just being obedient because I want to stop thinking – I just want to feel numb because I am tired of everything. I don’t care much about myself – I lost my willingness to live. Little by little, I have come to a realization that I do not care if the important aspects in my life are being affected because of the mess inside my mind; I realized that I am slowly disassociating myself to the people around me, I’ve become incompetent with my job (I used to work at the frontline section and I’ve noticed that I was the weakest when it comes to dealing with our applicants…I always make mistakes) and I lose interest to the things that once matter to me the most. I’ve become a living ghost – not dead but not alive either, just a breathing thing.

Plot twists, whether in the books that I read or in the movies and/or tv series that I watch, always makes my heart race; such events happen at the most unexpected time that’s why it makes one become thrilled – but I never knew that I’ll get to have my own taste of plot twists in 2018 and they are hella worth it. I’ve watched a lot of Korean Drama series (I even post my reflections and reviews of them here) because I love the way they execute the stories. My all time favorite would definitely be Goblin because of its life and death theme and I could still remember all the quotes from that drama but if there’s one from it that can describe what my 2018 has become it would be this: “Every life is touched by a deity at least once. Just when you’re drifting away from the world, if someone nudges you back in the right direction, that’d be when the deity chooses to visit you” It was sometime in February of 2018 when I was inside my room, crying so hard, that I felt overwhelmed by everything. At that moment, I only think of doing just one thing and I was super sure of it – killing myself. At that moment, I just want to end it all – the pain, frustration, anger, resentment, loneliness and worthlessness. I was so sure of that decision already however, something (or might it be someone? IDK) pulls me back to my senses. It was as if I was already in the middle of jumping but at the last second I hold on….like Kang Chul. Right at that moment, my tears ran out but my chest still feels so heavy and after a few minutes I passed out from exhaustion. The next morning, I woke up feeling a bit relieved and I don’t even know why. It has become a habit of mine to check my phone first the moment I wake up so when I did it that morning, I was surprised by the amount of messages I’ve got from my friends. I suddenly remembered how I posted something (a goodbye message) on my facebook account and it made them worry. I felt bad as I read their messages because I made them worry. It was at that moment that I’ve realized that I still got a few good people supporting me. I was also reminded of the phrase “Suicide doesn’t end the pain, it just passes it on to someone else.. Maybe, the fight isn’t over yet. Maybe, my life is still worth living.

Our Division’s Director during those times informed me about the Wellness Program that our Department offers to its employee for free in which I can go to their partner institution and can have a consultation with a Psychologist. I’ve decided to go with her when she paid a visit at their clinic. It was actually a nice session that we’ve had. Our conversation lasted for about two hours (the same with how it goes with my Psychiatrist). He has the same advises as my Psychiatrist though – only different in their approach. My Psychiatrist told me to learn a sport so I can release the emotions I am feeling and he also pointed out that learning sports is a great way in building one’s character, on the other hand, the Psychologist told me to try doing things that I used to love (like museum visits) but with no obligations attached (since I told him that I visit museums and historical places because I need to write something for my blog), I’ll just do it to enjoy the moment. I’ve kept those advises in mind. But there’s one thing in common that they’ve told me and that is to face my fears. 

I am scared of people, that’s the truth. I am afraid of associating myself with people especially those who have authoritative aura because of my father. I don’t want to keep on telling the same story here over and over again but just for the clarification: I am traumatized because of the environment I grew up with in which my father would be throwing things and be screaming whenever he is mad and he never know how to listen to others. I am scared of being around people because I have this paranoia that they will hurt me; it will take me a very long time before I can trust someone. But, I just can’t allow my pain to hinder me from reaching my goals in life, right? I have to learn how to overcome such trauma because if I don’t then who will do it for me? My Psychiatrist told me to do the “kontra-phobia” thing in which I have to expose myself to the things that scare me (slowly, of course) in order for me to get used to it until it will no longer have the power to hurt me. And that’s how I ended up being an iKONIC.

I can still clearly remember how I asked a friend of mine from work to give me song recommendations since whenever I got music playing while I’m stuck in traffic, I can manage not to be scared of the people around me and most of the songs she gave me are from iKON. At first, I was really curious as to why she keeps on suggesting that I try watching iKON TV and listen to their songs because I was all like, “who are they anyway?” But then I decided to give it a try because that friend of mine has really good taste in music so I guess iKON’s songs are worth listening to and damn it, I wasn’t wrong. iKON doesn’t have any bad songs! The first song of theirs that I listen to was “Rubber band” and I can’t get it out of my head the entire day. When I went home, I decided to watch some of their videos for me to get to know them. The first ever video of theirs that I watched was their dance practice for Love Scenario and one guy from their group caught my attention instantly – Kim Jinhwan. I ended up having a huge crush on him and was only interested in him. Few days later, I decided to watch iKON TV and it was the best decision ever. That show sealed the deal, it made me an iKONIC. I also decided to watch their survival shows, Who is Next: WIN and Mix & Match. What I realized after watching their shows is that, they are worth it. Those seven guys are the best representation of my wanderlust millennial self. You see, they are the same age range as me, three members are older than me (Jinhwan, Yunhyeong and Bobby), one member is the same age as mine (B.I.) while their maknae line are all younger than me (DK, Junhoe and Chanwoo) that’s why I feel that I can connect and relate with them naturally. And from what I’ve noticed ever since I became an iKONIC is that, I suddenly have the courage to continue living – sounds so cliché, right? But that’s what I felt. 

It was those seven guys, collectively known as iKON that became the best plot twist of my 2018. In fact, I can’t even imagine how that year would’ve rolled if I didn’t get to know them. They just inspire me to be resilient and to keep going. The best lesson I’ve learned from them is this: anything is possible as long as you are willing to make it possible. This reminds me of the certain exchange of words between Hanbin (B.I. – iKON’s leader) and YG (CEO of YG Ent) in which the latter told Team B (back then they were just called Team B because they were still trainees) that they can’t fly like their opponents but then Hanbin replied with “We’ll just crawl, sir” and I just have to give him a round of applause for that. I never see that as Hanbin’s way of making things less tense during those times but instead, it was his way of telling everyone that even though you tell them they can’t, they will prove you wrong. That certain phrase of him sort of motivated me for it was a reminder that no matter the circumstances you are facing, as long as you are willing to put the effort in working hard and fighting for your goals in life then you can make it. You can never go wrong with hard work. And that’s the thing I love the most about iKON, they are very hard working, they never slack off. They are consistent in giving their all in everything that they do and I guess that’s the reason why they produce great quality of music (deep lyrics and melody’s on point) because their passion is always burning; they don’t care about the charts because they make music out of passion. The seven of them are different from each other yet complement each other very well. Like the rainbow with seven different colors, iKON is a seven member group in which each member has their own unique charisma, talent and strength that makes them shine.  

As I’ve mentioned, iKON was my best plot twist in 2018 simply because they help me pick up my broken pieces and build myself up again. In fact, there are a lot of things that I’ve done in 2018 that I never knew I could accomplish and thanks to those seven dork for giving me the motivation to become courageous. For someone whose panic attacks is being triggered by people who have strong voices, crowded places and basically any interaction with people, I was able to somehow overcome those fears little by little throughout 2018 because I have iKON by my side. 

I am scared of people with loud and strong voices as well as any sound that is too loud because it will make me feel unsafe – I will feel like those people will hurt me. Since Bobby’s a rapper, he has this distinct tone of voice that is really strong and at first I get a bit scared when I listen to his parts on their songs – especially in Anthem (it was one of their best songs, btw. It’s lit af) but upon getting to know him more, I’ve seen how good of a person he is (all iKON members are) and so that’s how I started the “kontra-phobia” thing that my Psychiatrist told me. I keep on listening to their “loud” songs and to all of Bobby’s songs (from his solo album and his songs from SMTM3) until I realized that I’ve become calmer now and my panic attacks have lessened. Although there are still times wherein I will feel a bit scared when I’m exposed to a noisy environment or when I have to talk to people with strong voices, at least now my panic attacks aren’t that bad anymore and there are even days wherein I won’t experience any panic attacks at all. Looking back, I can’t help but tear up a little since I never knew that this moment would come – that I’m overcoming my anxiety and fears little by little. Remembering the times wherein I would experience the worst panic attacks (there was even a time wherein my officemates have to rush me to the nearest hospital because of my panic attacks), the tightness of my chest, difficulty in breathing, feelings of suffocation, and entire body’s numbness makes me feel grateful to them for helping me to not experience it anymore. If I could describe my panic attacks in a scenario it would be like this: you’re swimming in a pool but suddenly you started drowning and even though you try your best to swim up, you just keep on going deeper and deeper as if you’re destined to drown. And I hated feeling that way – it makes me feel so weak. Now, as I look back at those moments, I can’t help but be proud of myself for slowly overcoming it and iKON was a big part of that improvement.

It was also iKON who inspired me to not be afraid to face life’s challenges. The struggles that they’ve faced from doing two survival shows just for them to debut shows how much they’ve been through and how far they’ve come – and that journey of theirs is such an inspiration. Looking back at how my 2018 went by, I can say that I’m proud of the small victories I’ve had. I was able to do things that I once thought I can’t. I watched iKON’s concert alone which was obviously a sold out show with 18,000 iKONICS in attendance (but I gained new friends!) and no panic attack happened, I watched a movie alone (I watched Goyo: Ang Batang Heneral and it was a blockbuster! I didn’t get a good seat because the cinema’s really full), applied for a debit card account on a Monday (imagine how crowded the bank was during that day), tried the Sound Healing experience, went to World Trade Center during their Christmas Bazaar (it was really crowded) and went to an amusement park on Christmas Day and tried riding their roller coaster (the mini one coz I really can’t handle those kinds of rides) for the first time and I did enjoy it (obviously, it was filled with lots of people and lines in every ride is really long) and so much more that I couldn’t actually keep count. Slowly, I am getting back to my life’s rhythm. Slowly, I am learning how to live again. Slowly, but surely, I am building myself up again – and I guess that’s the best achievement. 

To iKON, I know this might not reach you at all but let me just say this, Maraming maraming salamat! Mahal ko kayo, pinaka. Thank you for saving me.

And to the other relevant people in my life who made my 2018 worthwhile, the ones who never gave up on me, the ones who understands me even during those moments wherein it is really difficult to do so, the ones who loved me despite my flaws, the ones who stayed even though they are better off without a burden like me, the ones who still see the best in me despite showing them my worst, maraming salamat! I won’t make it this far if it weren’t for you guys. Ya’all know who you are :) 

2018, it was a plot twist filled year but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Jalgayo! From now on I will only walk on the flower road.

I will keep on fighting!

X, 

TinaMae   

[dcathwithoutglory-blog]

it’s jay. again. my browser just crashed. so i’m just gonna copy and paste my old intro. there’s no time to try and make it better. rip !

⌊ priyanka chopra, cis woman, antigone ⌉ ⏀ have you spoken to ALEXANDRA “ALEXA” MEHRA recently? the THIRTY-FOUR year old who’s been in seneca for SEVEN YEARS or so? either way, they always seem to remind me of FLOWERS PLACED ON A GRAVE, A RUSTY COMPASS, STORMS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT whenever i see them on main street. on a good day they’re pretty MORALISTIC, but they can also be RESISTANT. ⌊ jay, 19. est, she/her ⌉

the story of antigone that y’all probs already know but jic.

triggers: brief implication of incest but like wbk, brief mention of suicide, death, creon bein a bitch

brief overview of antigone (character + eponymous story):

antigone was born to oedipus and jocasta.

we all know what happened there. after that, oedipus was like “see no evil feel no evil” and jocasta yeet’d out of living.

her brothers went to war against each other. when creon ascended to the throne, he allowed burial for eteocles with honors, but was like “lmao if u bury polyneices i will kill u”

but antigone was like ‘lmao SURE JAN’ and tried to convince ismene, her sister, to help her bury polyneices. ismene was like ‘ok that’s a rly bad idea like good luck but count me out tbh.’

antigone is rly bad at digging graves tho so polyneices’s body was found and creon was like ‘oh my GOD’ and she’s like ‘fuck the government viva la morality!’

then creon was like ‘ok anyway rmr when i said u wld die if u buried polyneices so ig now u have to be buried alive in a tomb’ then antigone was like ‘actually i’ll be hanging myself before u can do fuck the government’

then he was like ‘at least u’ll be dead! oh wait -

Y’ALL GO SAVE EVERYONE’ but then it was too late

antigone and his son had both killed themselves and everyone, including himself, were just like

“get WREKT creon!!!!!”

alexa ( play despacito ).

triggers: suicide (x2), death (x3), mental illness implications, war, brief mentions of torture and murder

ok now onto alexandra ! so, like i did for valda, i looked up names that shared the same meaning as ‘antigone’ (which essentially means “against”) and one of the suggestions was alexa but i also wanted it to sound. super valiant. but at the same time. i wanted it to be something that could have a conversational nickname. so im already hc’ing that she has ‘despacito’ saved on her phone. also alexandra is my middle name so like?? stan list?? OK ANYWAY.

alright, so alexandra was born to a very upper-class family. her father was a politician and her mother was a successful lawyer. they provided well for the perfect nuclear family –– two sons, two daughters, a golden retriever, two cats in the yard life used to be so hard now everything is easy cause of-

like... her early life, say birth to age 14, was... nice. actually normal and nice. have i ever done that before? has my own edgelord ass ever done that before? i don’t think so.

which is why things obviously took a turn for the worse

but yeah. when she was 14, she was like “hey mom idk how to do pre-algebra” (a mood) but there was no response from her mom. so shrug city, you know? she just went to her older sister instead. but like... so much time passed.... and nothing....

finally, this nosy bitch decided to be like “ok i’m gonna go see what tf she’s doing” and that was just... a terrible idea. instead of finding her mom doing her nails or talking on the phone or any number of reasons she may not have come out yet, she found her mother hanging from the ceiling fan.

she tried to get her brothers’ and sister’s help, and they tried so desperately to help (you know, while also calling 911 and their father), but it was to absolutely no avail.

after this hella traumatizing experience, the children grew closer as the father grew farther.

he began getting lost in his own mind, sometimes accidentally mixing the past with the present, a la willy loman style. he would hold slight conversations with their ‘mother’ while at the table, then began holding them with various others from the past. it was pretty clear that his mind had just been looking for an excuse to snap, and the death of his wife had been the perfect scapegoat.

although it had originally just affected him in his home life, he began holding said conversations in the presence of people outside his family.

this is not good for a politician.

i mean it’s not good for anyone but...

his support immediately began dropping. his team gradually left him, finding there was no way he would ever be able to gain another victory if he kept on living in a limbo between the past and the present. given that he’d started ‘talking to his brother’ during one of his speeches... 

rest in peace to his career.

alexa (play despacito) was 18 at the time, her sister - 20, one of her brothers - 21, the other - 24.

they were all legal adults! some of them had even moved out! so their father figured his next move would not affect him in the way their mother’s death had!

so he shot himself.

the only people who showed up at his funeral were alexa and her sister. her eldest brother proclaimed that flying across the country would be too much of a hassle for that, and the other brother simply did not respond.

her eldest brother did, however, enlist in the army after setting legalities in place that would allow him to send money back to his siblings. he had joined simply because it was an easy opportunity (what with all of the propaganda), but his decision prompted the other brother to do the same –– this time because he was talented at ‘the art of fighting.’

and bc more money but like... get wrekt.

alexa’s sister dropped out of college to work a full-time job –– one that paid fairly handsomely. alexa took some odd jobs.

aka, everyone was trying to make money.

creon was right when he said “money! nothing worse”

so things kind of dipped when the eldest brother was killed. after an accusation that he’d become a traitor, their other brother had taken it upon himself to ‘anonymously’ torture and shoot him. but the other side did it!

which everyone knew was a lie.

because of the accusations, he was not only not allowed a military funeral, he was also not meant to be buried in any honorable fashion. instead, his body was returned to his hometown to be buried there following a quiet and uneventful funeral.

his grave was left unmarked.

nonetheless, the grave was visited every day, new flowers laid atop.

meanwhile, their other brother was considered a newfound military icon. he’d gotten rid of a ‘traitor’ (they continued to pretend it was someone from the other side, of course), he’d killed many an enemy, he’d done this and that and this and that and it all made him look so morally grey to alexa and her sister (who, granted, had yet to find out he’d killed their other brother), but like such a white knight to his fellow soldiers.

he truly rose in the ranks. it was what he was meant to do.

but the more he killed, the more he tortured, the lack of grief towards his brother’s death...

alexa’s sister wasn’t buying her hypothesis. it wasn’t necessarily because she saw their other brother was some pure being, but because she simply didn’t believe he was capable of that.

the next time alexa saw her brother, she got confirmation enough. what to do with the information, she wasn’t sure, but she knew she had to do something...

murder wasn’t the solution... she didn’t have any military connections that would allow for her to spout some lie about why he needed to be dishonorably discharged... but what he did couldn’t skate by...

to this day, she is still wondering what she can do to fuck him over. his success in the military keeps growing grander and grander, thus rendering any fake dishonorable discharge excuses completely moot. her sister still doesn’t believe that there really is a solution –– that, while it is greatly harmful, there’s absolutely nothing they can do and ruminating on it is worthless –– trying to find some quest to defeat their own brother is absurd.

although she has since moved to seneca, attracted to its small town appeal, she continues to visit her eldest brother’s grave every week –– it’s about a two hour drive, so it’s worth it.

she’s taken up work as a cemetery caretaker

because of COURSE she would.

and, although its pay is.... lousy, she’s been making due. for the tombstones no one visits any longer, first she’ll look them up to make sure they weren’t slave-owners or anything, she’ll bring them their own flowers. the dead deserve just as much respect as the living, hm?

personality.

i just realized i didn’t do this for valda (aka, i’m about to update her intro with it), but a total enneagram type 2.

too empathetic for her own good, too ‘this person whom i do not even know deserves flowers’ for her own good, too ‘i’ve got to protect _______ by doing _________’ for her own good

a capricorn

so driven by her own moral compass, she does not CARE about anything that says she has to go against it

her moral compass can be super faulty sometimes tho

pretty quick to make assumptions tbh, but has so far been right abt most of them.

so also driven by gut feelings ig

dramatic tbh. i mean she’s the adapted version of a character whose first lines contained “there's nothing, no pain—our lives are pain” SO.

also p independent (as in i said valda was independent), but her vendetta isn’t against men in general, rather just her brother who is still alive

so like,,, that said,,, holds grudges.

im bad at personality sections!! as has been stated before!! but i think the gist has been gotten across!!

wanted connections.

so rn i only have one specific one which is her sister and can be found on the wc page

will come up w/ unique ones later but until then open 2 hearing urs/brainstorming!

tl;dr.

(refer to triggers listed before the bullets.) a lot of death? like mom kills herself then dad turns into willy loman then dad kills himself. brothers both join the army. one brother kills the other brother for being accused of being a ‘traitor.’ said brother doesn’t get a proper funeral and his headstone is unmarked. the other brother rises in the rankings and alexa knows what happened. convinced her sister of it, but her sister is more logical and let her know that she was very angry too, but making her entire life about it would do nothing but endanger herself and others. moved to seneca because she liked the small town feel. still visits her eldest brother’s grave every week to leave flowers. works as a cemetery caretaker bc WHY NOT. brings flowers to graves that are either unmarked or no longer visited. i hope you read all of that and just thought ‘oh my god fckin EDGELORD’ because you’re right.

alright ! fin.

like this or hmu if you’d like to plot !