#anyway. anyway. im still so fucking angry that i couldve been in a different country next year

[kimmkitsuragi]

re: last post... i just remembered how fucked up it makes me feel to hear Rich and careless people's thoughts about all this. one girl told me the other day "well... if it all goes to shit, i can just go to france. i have dual citizenship" and what am i supposed to say to that lol. well i cant. what will happen to me and all the other people who will simply have to live with All This if it all goes to shit indeed

[cutesilyo]

personal rant below the cut

when will i ever shut up about being the only atenean in my batch lol

it always singles me out! all the goddamn time! because everyone else either 1) has other batchmates in the same school as them, and has built a shared sense of community or 2) they’re also alone in their university, but no one gives enough of a shit about that university to have formed opinions about it

and the shittiest thing is that most of my batchmates are in the same university system, so most of them have shared experiences even when they’re all in different campuses in different parts of the country

and you know what, at first, this is something that made me so damn depressed lol. like i felt so goddamned lonely. like i loved my university, but maybe i needed to transfer just so i could fit in better with my fucking high school batchmates, as if that wasn’t the most pathetic line of thinking i could’ve had at the time. anyway, that was before, and now i’m just angry and bitter because they always have this holier-than-thou attitude on me when like. lol shut up. i couldve been in the best goddamn campus of your damned university system but you know what, i managed to escape our high school’s insiduous propaganda for that system and i am so much better for it. i’m in a university that has policies that say they invest in their students, and in the betterment of the school not just in facilities but with student support. i’m in a university that has policies and admin and staff professors and a community that says that they care about me, bitch! your damned university rankings don’t reflect that

also, fuck your stereotypes against my university. and fuck you

i’m never going to say anything about this to any of you because, you know what, i realize that im blowing this out of proportion. none of you are ignorant towards me, not in a malicious way. you just honestly don’t know how to connect with me anymore, and that’s fine. meanwhile, i just feel cornered all the time because when you do engage with me, i’m the only one who can speak for my experiences in college; contrast that to the lot of you, who have an actual friend group composed of people in the batch who are also still with you in university. you may not be conscious of that, but i have to confront that reality every single time i have to speak with any of you.

anyway, anyway, anyway

anyway. 

i’m just a little bit too tired of this. i dont know if any of you will grow out of it (lol probably not), but just. damn guys. maybe learn to think out of your own ass sometime

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i am sad today. i dont want to be sad and i dont like sadness but im aware that being sad is part of the process and not being sad at all would be unhealthy so i’m trying to be an appropriate amount of sad. i have a lingering stress headache and i cant seem to smoke enough (could be correlated lbr) but im still not dieing (except from the heat, which is pretty unbareable.) 

i want to talk to somebody about it but i cant and when i do they have their own totally made up judgements that have nothing to do with the evidence of the time we personally spent together.

and im not like trying ot hold up my life for him - i did what i could today which may not have been “enough” but i ate and cleaned and did a bit of work on my projects. im sad its not more. overall.

today i am having glimpses of what i wanted and some subconcious answers are coming to the surface after asking questions i didnt have the answers to right away. is he thinking of me? if he is - is it just the same? is it just stuck in his own world of whats right an wrong to him right now? or is it anything else? 

i love him because he has the same kind of ideas and values and morals that i have, some of which i dont have the capacity to live right now. not that i want a hundred wives and husbands. and i dont know if we mesh on his version of polamory and i dont know if i mesh with the real version.

but our views on society and how things make us feel are similar. in some ways i feel like hes alone in the world s much as i am despite the people he has. but maybe im projecting. he acts out the feelings i have many times, when i dont have the energy or security to do it. we enjoy the same kind of foods, alot of the same kind of music, movies, a desire for knowledge, an open mind, a sense of adventure, going with the flow. im known for kind of just thinking of something and making it hapen and he tries. 

i wanted a life together with this. i guess maybe in the future if i met someone else that was like this maybe i’d want them too? and like i feel like maybe in some ways - in some, i dont know. its all so complicated. but my history - “i can see myself with anyone - female or male, in a non sexual relationship forever.” i feel like this is an unusual way that isnt necessarily common but perhaps one scenario it could work in some way? i’m just trying to get one. just one. i’m not concerned with other ones and i think my way of seeing it is way deeper because it wouldnt be like a super active thing i would do. like i wouldnt seek people out to add to my life and fit in this idea i have. i would just live and if i happened on someone maybe it would work. but just one would be totally fine with me and i cant even find just one. 

what would i have done with him? in my dream life scenario where do we end p, what am i doing and why is it different? i just.. i think maybe this is another similarity where i have this really stubborn belief that i never had to fulfill an entire investment because he never did but he uses it as one of the reasons it doesnt work. but like i’m taking on this huge obligation in my dream to change my daily life that i’ve never actually been capable of doing before even when i was being given what i wanted. and with my shitty ex my excuse was that i didnt want to come back to live with his behavior. which is not a great excuse at all for not getting a job. its not. 

but i guess in my dreams i overcome all my bullshit for him and we set off packed up and maybe i’d have sacrificed my cats and eased my worries and concerns a bit and let go of my past. we’d have a great adventure across the country, deepening our relationship before settling into this new life. id embrace the change and find some menial job to make him proud and contribute to our unit. id support him and love him and care for him as we worked towards his goal of his own land / farm where we’d work to live off the land and have a more simple life. 

i love gardening and making my own things and animals and cooking and just being like a very basic human being who doesnt drive a fancy car or go to fancy institutions of works 9-5 jobs. and like i get that i can make this happen fo rmyself and i can work towards it myself and maybe thats a lesson i can take from this that i discovered what i would rather sincerely do and i can find someone else walking this road too. but i really wanted to feel like i had a piece of it solidified before i sacrificed so much of myself and well being for something i thought could happen with this person. like i think both of us have valid points but in the end he could have not bought me frivolous things and expected me to pay for them myself when i was looking for a reason to save for a better life. i dont want to do that and i wouldnt do it? i was just never given anything. i guess its like really fantasy land ideas i had here. especially when its him in my dream. i’m upset that i know that these days apart doesnt add to positivity and will only make it hard and akward on the goodbye, changing nothing. the more time goes by with zero communication what so ever the more i feel like maybe it’s just entirely over and i guess lucky for him i have no desire like i usually do to attempt to salvage anything because hes ultimately leaving. why try and salvage a relationship thats not going to exist anyways no matter what you say or do 48 hours before the ultimate decision? 

i love gardening and making my own things and animals and cooking and just being like a very basic human being who doesnt drive a fancy car or go to fancy institutions of works 9-5 jobs. and like i get that i can make this happen fo rmyself and i can work towards it myself and maybe thats a lesson i can take from this that i discovered what i would rather sincerely do and i can find someone else walking this road too. but i really wanted to feel like i had a piece of it solidified before i sacrificed so much of myself and well being for something i thought could happen with this person. like i think both of us have valid points but in the end he could have not bought me frivolous things and expected me to pay for them myself when i was looking for a reason to save for a better life. i dont want to do that and i wouldnt do it? i was just never given anything. 

i feel the way i do though because i realized what i might want in life and it was like almost there and i could have maybe had it if i were a different person and wanted even more different things and i’m sad about it. kind of like how i bring up my ex asking me to marry him. to me that was like we were already engaged. it proved that someone was willing to spend their life with me and although i didnt take it sometimes i think like fuck i was so close. if only i just did this and this and let this go and bent for this i couldve had what ive wanted. 

i hate my investment being trivialized like when he says maybe if i had more in life id not want to spend as much time with him. but my investment was him and i guess alot of it was proving that i had what it takes to succeed in certain areas of life but i failed in others. but then - i was constantly proving myself which in itself makes for a bit of a fake relationship and unbalanced because according to him i was never actually worthy because i dont want his craziness. and i guess hes right. 

i hate that hes not thinking about me and what we couldve had. i congratulate myself for not reminding him. next level in maturity for me. our life couldve been stable and cute and simple. selfish and selfless. the characters we couldve become, the partnership that would be infamous. i’m so angry that i cant have that. i’d grow flowers on our farm and be an independent local floral designer, planning wedding and craft fairs, participating in farmers markets with the food we grew while he took odd carpentry jobs. and id take that whatever job when i landed, you know? becuse i’d want this and i’d know that i can finally have it if i just put in a bit of work for it and im surrounded by people i love. 

its like .. he wont rent an apartment here because its a “waste”. he doesnt want to “live here”. so why would i put in peripherial work when this isnt where i want tobe and it doesnt get me to where i want to go? 

but maybe its me. maybe its not. i think ive grown. when i was younger i wanted this punk shack with my ex. i could really picture it in my mind - we would have this open concept kitchen lined with beer and liquor bottles from all our awesome parties where people played guitar and sang all night and it would be messy but cute and we’d struggle but it’d be like part of the “game” of “surviving” and it wouldnt be a big deal and it’d be more like we’d just embrace it.

that of course never happened. we never had a party. not once. he sat playing video games on a thrift store couch while i made food and did chores and he went to work and i guess i just laid around and acted like i was doing something. 

maybe its all for the best.

im sad hes not thinking about me. im sad he doesnt believe in even a piece of my dream. im sad i have to start over. 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i feel neutrally tired about all of this. you know, i’m not angry or sad or stressed, i’m just kind of tired of this whole routine. it’s become glaringly obvious that this man is very very spoiled and ungrateful. 

yesterday was a fine day. he took me to the farm to get a pumpkin like i asked. he bought me food and was overall really nice and in a good mood - he was focused on pei and the things he would do or need for his trip. i felt comfortable and relaxed despite not even having weed and not having much sleep. 

this morning when we woke up, we had sex and i went about my morning - made a tea, had a smoke and he had a shower. he asked his mother for the survey plans for their cottage in pei so he knew what to prepare for when he wanted to build this garage (the whole 6 month master plan’s goal). she said she would have to look. this set off a chain reaction - he went to look for a crock pot the family owned but he had never used ad couldnt find it immediately, when his mother offered cookig advice he freaked out ad then when she asked him about a few set of chores he was supposed to do, he freaked out again.

at this point i had literally spoken no words from when we had sex. i was just passively floatig throughout the house, gathering my things just to be organized. i went to look at what he was actually making and he said something like “i’m going to drive you home after this i want to do my own thing and i dont want to be around you”. to be fair, he couldve said “people” - i’m ot entirely sure what i heard but it more likely sounded like you. i simply turned around, got my bag from downstairs, got my stuff from outside and walked home. i did not even reply or say goodbye - theres not even a point. like i would get either some argument about how he said he would drive me home or a grunt goodbye; both still equally rude replies. 

but i was kind of proud of how i reacted very immediately and without hesistation. i didt think like ~what would he want or ~whats appropriate to do. i just did what i wanted to do which was leave. it wasnt like oh i think id like to sped the day alone, do you wat a ride home - it was just ‘fuck off’ without being ‘fuck off’. and i don’t deserve that. 

on top of this, during sex he asked outright if anyone else has touched me. not like ~oh no one else ca touch you or ~would you let anyone touch you - just outright ‘have you let anyone’ and its not a light thing. its not joking. if i said yes it would hurt and we’d probably stop. but the parameters he stil puts forth is that he “cant” cheat. but what about me? and why am i used like this? i literally spoke _no words_. 

its very unhealthy. and i dont believe its about me. i’m glad ive come so far in personal relationships that i am able to seperate myself from them and not take things personally.and like i do feel “used” but its not like this is the absolute worst part of it. he said to me, “you havent been around long enough - this is what i do, im excited about something until im not and then i drop everything and go to the next thing” -- as if i havet been witnessing this the entire time weve been together. its all one exciting thing to the next and nothig is ever what its hoped to be. 

and hes very negative. which i guess is a bit ironic coming from me. but everything - everything sucks. and like to its greatest pit of whatever terrible thing it could have. you know - “king of the losers”. acknowledging that “i’m” okay but its really just being on top of a pile of shit. 

its just.. its getting too hard to remain optimistic about a future with him. whatever my life is doesnt affect him nearly as much as his does me. my whole life is built around being available to him and i was okay with this becuse it was like “investing” in a future i wanted to have. or i do want to have. i want a partner. some “family”. but i just dont feel optimistic like this is going to lead to idyllic happiness. not the way he sees it. and why should i spend my time following such a volatile perso who is unable to commit to anything. i guess it was easy to walk away because i thought like - what if i was across the country? what if i coulnt just walk away from this rude person and i was _stuck_? i dont want that and i guess if i dont want that, i dont want him. i’m just... too scared to live with him. like i want to live with him. i reall really do but everything in my being says omg no. no no no no. anyone i told that this was a thing would tell me absolutely do not move across the country with this person. its not like.. dont change. dont live somewhere else. its that this particular person is very ... not the right person to do this with. maybe i need to be a ifferent person too. maybe i need to be a very strong indpendent individual who works super hard and hustles lots of cash an then its all just fun and games and wooo life. but i cannot be dependent on this person. they are not dependable in any way shape or form. they are a fucking prayer. and in order for me to make such huge changes in life i would be very dependent on this person. especially right now. maybe in two years ill be a better version of me but the me right now would need a lot of hand holding an encouragement to make such drastic life changes and decisions. 

if it was plausible to just get a nice apartment in this city together - great. thank you. not even long term, lets just exist with each other before making giant life decisions. thats a marriage. with no commitment. i cant. i just cant. 

and you know - i’m very sympathetic. i know exactly what it feels like. to have no fucking clue what you want, where to go, what to do, who to be friends with, who to have a relationship with - i get it. i’m really confused too. and this is such a shitty time - i dont know if other times have been more shitty but this seems like a pretty shitty time after society going through so many wars in the past 100 years that have grown more powerful under the advancements and like we, collectively, are different people from 50 years ago so what was “right” and “good” 50 years ago is not relevant to today and we are floating without guidance. how do we survive now? weve evolved to a different mental state and we dont know how to nourish this. its like falling into great advancements with no mental capacity to understand their affect on the social psyche. 

theyre right.  the colective “they” - your parents have little to do with your chances. their social standing and coping amongst evolution to bring them to such standing has a lot more to do with your chances but if along the line you figure out your way of coping in evolution then you may rise above or find your own level of “happiness” which is mostly fulfilling basic personal needs. but when evolution continually transitions through different ways to fulfill these basic needs or possibly gives you even more ways to do this, it becomes more difficult to realize how you will find your way to cope in evolution. milennials are realy seen as weak and a joke; like re-branded hippies but focused on mental health and emotions, “refusing” employment to ‘feel better’ in life when there was a time when people just took any job because the only way to cope within that evolution was to exhance your service for money or boarding itself. thats not the case anymore. society evolved in such a way that this generation is capable of fulfilling may basic personal needs sometimes by just existing; perhaps their parents pay for food and shelter and provide them with clothing well into their “adult” years. many older generations started working to SURVIVE at 12 - 14 years old. our generation worked because “thats what you do” or to save up for an iphone. most of our grandparents worked to buy bottles of milk or to help the family or for their own vehicle but why save for one when your parents let you drive theirs anyways?

and again - it’s not the parents fault. it’s now easy in society for parents to do this. a large majority of parents, nd the majority leads the collective society. could my parents? no. but a lot of people around me did have parents that did this and my parents cared for me in other ways. society allowed them to breed children who would become introspective because they were no longer in such dire straits for survival. and older generations are upset about this - dont you know they had to want to die regularly to survive? why shouldt we? 

so as we gain this introspective into ourselves and “new” psychological ideas come up and vast people are “diagnosed”, it becomes harder to accept things which harm our psyche. so we get a big rise in racial inequality and gay rights and things which seem “liberal” but is simply termed this way because some people - maybe a large amount even, could not refuse employment and worked to survive even in this era. that was the generational hand down - exchange your service for money or starve. and theyre not “in the wrong”. other things affect how you build your coping tools - where you live, the climate of politics etc. maybe you realy just had to do that and there wasnt time to invest in this modern evolution of introspection. you dont have time to look within when youre starving on the outside. so this resentmet and bitterness builds between these two sides which may even exist in the same generation but neither of them is wrong. should one work to survive? probably. animals hunt most of their lives. we should probably work to survive. no one can just be handed food ad shelter forever unless you’re a very unique and special person in royalty. and 99.9% of us are not. but should we also kill our psyche? animals dont deal with smart phones and insurance rates and credit scores and bankruptcy. they just go out and take what they want and our society has evolved past this. so we cannot just assume you just work to survive when survival has been complicated. it takes a higher level of thinking which wemay not fully even comprehend at this stage in the evolution. 

i think psychology is very important because we dont understand why people are people. we dont know. we know why the sky is blue but we dont know why we are people. and not just psychology but science and the belief of how our being, our physical being on this planet came to be. we collectively have not agreed despite the very obvious misgivings of current theological theories. 

how or in what way should you survive on this planet? why are we required to exist as we are in this society upon birth. like all of these rules and obligations an responsibilities of being a “good human” are placed on you for the rest of your life and all you did was be born. all you want are basic needs fulfilled but you cant even do that until you acknowledge the land you were popped out on to does not belong to you so you abide by these rules now whether you want to or not. and thats just government and law but on this deeper spectrum its an obligation to be a ‘good child’ a ‘good citizen’ - pay your taxes, go to work, have children, buy a house; these are the quest objectives. but why? i think our generation is not the first to ask why but the first in a very long long time to ask why are we doing it this way. not so much why are we here. many of us have decided for ourselves. but why are we livingin society in this particular way and what can we do to survive in a society which is not designed to really benefit anyone. its not about that homeless man geting up and feeding himself, its about taking responsibility to feed that person. animals do a better job at this and we feel we’re in evolved thinking. 

society has become very convoluted and confused which has bred confusion in its most recent generation. ive lived a very unique life and yet feel the same way abou these things as my peers because the “temperature” of the environment is the same. its hot, we all know its hot an we’re trying to figure out ways to deal whether its running through a sprinkler, going to a public pool or looking ridiculous in a kiddie pool on your front lawn. it’s gross, it’s not a good time, no one wants to do anything and we’re not feeling it. and this evolution is like climate change. there is absolutely still people capable of coping under this stress, farmers still work, lumberjack still cut wood but theyre fucking miserable and they do it because theyre used to feeling like they want to die to survive. but its getting hotter and its getting harder and even though they feel it the only thing they know is to keep working until they cant anymore then die crippled and miserable. being popped out inexperienced and then thrown into a change which even the experienced are struggling with creates a lot of unrest. a lot of anxious and depressed people. 

what do we do? what should we do? you cant change society you can only follow the ebb and flow like flock of birds or schools of fish. this is how we cope as humans, to live as a society. and if society is in upheaval it directly affects the ability to easily obtain our basic needs. 

i used to feel envious of stupid people. like atleast they didnt ~know this shit. because this felt depressing. like being stupi would be easier and id be happier but those who choose to remain ignorant or passive hurt a lot and they struggle through some of the barest traps society has created durig this shitty time and now i feel sorry for them. spinning your wheels over and over, dragging yourself through the mud, throwing away money, living extravagantly and ignorantly but going absolutely no where. not going up, down, side ways - no where. i’m there too. i’m right there too on the train stopped at the station waiting to fucking go and we’re here nd we’re buying shit from the dining car and we’re chatting and excited but we’re not goig and we’re not really sure why and we’re all talking about why we’re not going but we’re still not going but hey atleast hey still got cookies. 

no one person is driving the train either. its like a group effort where everyone on the train has to believe youre moving forward for it to start but if one jack ass thinks youre not, then its a complete halt. 

life is hard but i dont think alot of people realize exactly how hard it is. im trying to learn to appreciate the little things. people with greater minds who had better understanding and less luxuries of the era coped with appreciating little things. taking bike rides in the fall in the nice downtown streets; it’s been a highlight of the season. painting in a studio this week; sure it was not glamorous or anything but i actively went out and created art with others. my room is neat and clean and organized. i did laundry with ease on my own time for free. 

i wasnt upset i “had to” walk home. i apreciated the fall weather & buzz of halloween approaching, time to think without screens of distraction, exersize and activity, the ability to buy cat food & cat litter. im not angry about it. i’m tired of being angry about a train im not really driving. if i can never truly conceptualize what i want because of society why keep trying. why cry over spilled milk.