#anyway. Unfortunately I don't have more specific details than that. As I said I focused a little too heavy on crazy political stuff w/ them

[pestilentbrood]

oh please elaborate the academic drama you've got in your light flight lore, i love these gossips

Unfortunately most of my Light flight lore has got more to do with crazy political drama and one guy being sponsored to commit monstrosities, but You Know What. Here:

Since my light flight lore focuses them more on the past, most of my (willfully academia-brained) guys are historians/scholars/writers/lorekeepers and such like that. They're incredibly at odds with Arcane, who focus more on innovation toward the future.

( This came to a head in one project where a group of Arcane dragons came together with a group of Light dragons to try and map out all that was and all that ever will be, but found neither side could get along for shit. The project included a small town where the researchers/oracles/so-forth stayed, but in the end, things got super wild, religious elements got involved that neither side initially cared for, and everyone ended up exploding (metaphorically) and this may or may not have caused a sort of civil war. )

But don't worry about that. Come with me to the Adherence, a large city in the Sunbeam Ruins (where? Umm. Don't worry about it) that is populated primarily by Pearlcatchers. And everyone here sucks.

All attempts at scholarly discussions end in spitting fights and petty insults, as everyone thinks they're better than everyone else and can never be wrong. And if you're not of Light, or Lightweaver-forbid not a Pearlcatcher, you'll be scoffed and laughed at until you leave.

For example, two of my dragons, Bernadette and Inocenia, are constantly bickering. Bernadette is "Just a Stupid Guard," and therefore cannot be smart and must be very dull and all brawn no brain, and Inocenia is "A Pompous Rich Asshole" who surely relies only on her husband for any good ideas (which is not saying much, because her husband Iuriti is not smart).

Both of them are extremely well-read, studious women who have written long and well-received works in their time, but they have also written their fair share of extremely petty and pretentious diatribes meant just for each other. The spat between the Sunblood's Royal Guard and the Royal Advisor's Wife is one that everyone always tunes in for, because we just gotta see the big important people argue. It's Funny

Mostly it's just Inocenia going "The Intricacies of War ? Haha ! silly stupid strong woman. nobody cares about war because no war is happening. stop writing about wars and what we can learn from them" while Bernadette spits back "You only write about the economy because you control it, drop dead you spiteful old hag" etc

Common conversation quote in the Adherence: "Do I side with the Sunblood or the Rebellion? Mmh I don't get involved in politics. What? Do I side with Bernadette or Lady Inocenia?? WELL, I'll have you KNOW,"

Meanwhile outside of the Adherence, there is Vision, world's most insufferable spiral, currently inhabiting the Incompetence. And he's getting into wild arguments with Riaevis, an old man who claims to have been part of a war that did not exist

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Hi! Thank you for your blog. I often hear from autistic people themselves that they have an excellent memory and they remember a lot of things without problems. And I feel incredibly superfluous because I am an autistic with… a very bad memory. I hardly remember what people say. My special interests are more than a decade old, but my brain simply loses important aspects of information. When I share something with people, I always look at the notes to make sure I haven't forgotten anything. I'm very slow and focused, but my brain gets rid of the information anyway. I was diagnosed a year ago and studied autism and other diagnoses for a year. It was difficult for me to study the topic, because my brain likes to grab details and it's difficult for me to immediately see the whole picture, so it took me so much time to understand everything, but… at one point my brain said "enough!". And I realized that I don't remember almost anything that I learned in a year. Although I could have told a lot just a month ago. Unfortunately, I have not found good information about poor memory in autistic people, as everyone says the opposite. I can only say that I often lose my memory after stressful things, but under "stress" my brain considers any situation where there are too many emotions - good or bad.

Hi there,

Unfortunately my memory isn’t that good either due to my epilepsy. I did find one article discussing some research on autism and memory. Here’s are some excerpts:

Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine and Veterans Affairs Pittsburgh Healthcare System have found that children with autism differ from other children in two specific memory capabilities. The research is in January's Neuropsychology, which is published by the American Psychological Association (APA).

Researchers including neurologist Nancy Minshew, MD, studied 76 children from ages 8 to 16. Half were verbal individuals with autism, half were normal controls matched for age, IQ and gender. The diagnosis of autism reflected social and communication impairments of the autistic type along with restricted interests and patterns of behavior.

First, the children with autism, compared to the matched controls, had poorer memory for complex information (many individual elements or one complicated element) in both word and picture form. In essence, the children with autism found it hard to remember information if they needed a cognitive organizing strategy to aid recall or if they had to detect such an organizing element in the information itself.

The authors speculate that, "People with autism don't have the automatic cross talk between brain systems -- the reasoning and the memory systems -- that tells their brain what is most important to notice or how to organize it thematically."

Second, children with autism also had poor working memory for spatial information, or remembering over time where something was located once it was out of sight. Although working memory for verbal information was fine, a "Finger Windows" subtest of recall of a spatial sequence easily distinguished between children with and without autism. Spatial working memory depends on a specific region of the frontal cortex that is known to be dysfunctional in autism.

Despite these two impairments, the children with autism did not have global memory problems. They showed good associative learning ability, verbal working memory and recognition memory. Because their memories differed in only two specific ways, memory in autism appears to be organized differently than in normal individuals -- reflecting differences in the development of brain connections with the frontal cortex.

The article will be below in case you’d like to read more. I hope this helps answer your question. Thank you for the inbox. I happen you have a wonderful day/night. ❤️

Autism & Memory

[tarisilmarwen]

Splinters: Debriefing

(I missed writing Kallus so much kjhkjafshkj.

Takes place right after the previous chapter.)

---

"And no matter how many times I tell him not to, Ensign Jin continues to pilfer ration bars from the food stores every time we resupply them!" Kallus complained. "I'm about ready to find a switch to smack his hands with."

Ezra chuckled, shadowing Kallus's shoulder as they crossed the hanger. Technicians and pilots bustled about, filling the underground space with a chaotic mishmash of noise.

"Yeah, Jonner's a bit of a hoarder when it comes to food," he told Kallus. "Don't be too hard on him; I think he's still not used to having regular meals. I used to be the same way. Hera's probably still finding hidden stashes in the nooks and crannies of the Ghost," he quipped.

"He hardly looks the starving type," Kallus grumbled.

"Hey, you can't judge that just based on looks," Ezra defended. At Kallus's skeptical look he amended, "Okay so it was obvious with me, but there's no reason to think Jonner isn't a little food anxious too."

Kallus gave up with a sigh. "I suppose you would be more qualified to make that diagnosis."

"How did you even wind up in charge of those three anyway?" Ezra asked. "I mean I know I've been out of the action for a while but—"

The former ISB agent was rubbing his face tiredly. "Don't ask me, I don't—I don't even know. Senator Mothma just mentioned something about Ensign Terez saying I had good advice and the next thing I knew I'm assigned to a band of wild unruly teenagers and expected to whip them into trained and disciplined Rebels." His face soured. "I think she thinks it's funny."

Ezra grinned. "She's not wrong about that."

"It's also a gross misuse of my skills and talents."

The boy shrugged. "Well you know, if for some reason it turns out you've been a double-agent all this time—not saying you are—" he put in quickly, seeing the stung expression on Kallus's face, "—you'll do a lot less damage if you're running around after a bunch of kids. Or, you know," he added, more optimistically, "it could mean she trusts you a lot." Something in his expression sobered. "Speaking of, though, how's Mart? I mean... is he holding up okay?"

"I honestly haven't seen much of the boy. I think he's—"

A loud bang sounded across the hanger as something heavy dropped.

Ezra jumped out of his skin, startling with a violent flinch. Kallus glanced his way to find that the boy was tight with tension, his eyes wide and fixated in the direction the sound had come from. He didn't seem to be breathing.

Kallus's eyes furrowed in concern. "Are you all right?" he asked.

Stirring from his spell, Ezra gave an exhale. "Yeah," he said. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just—" He shook his head, waving a hand dismissively. "It's nothing."

The frown on Kallus's face deepened. "If you're not feeling well—"

"I'm fine, Kallus," Ezra insisted, irritably.

He clearly wasn't, but Kallus knew better than to press the issue. Bridger would talk to him if he felt comfortable doing so.

...He might mention something to Captain Syndulla though.

"Ezra?"

Speaking of...

Both of them turned to see Hera crossing the hanger towards them. Relief and delight shone from her as she immediately came up to Ezra, hands reaching to cup his face.

"Oh my goodness! I didn't know you'd been released!" She touched his cheeks and shoulders, looking him over, amazed at how much better he seemed from the last time she'd been able to visit the medbay. "It feels like forever since I've seen you!" She smiled warmly. "How are you feeling?"

"Hey Hera," Ezra said, easing up at the sight of her. "I'm good, I'm good." The grin he gave her was more relaxed and genuine than Kallus had seen in a while. "Eager to get back into the saddle," he told her.

Hera thumped his back affectionately, standing back. "Well, you might get your chance." She tilted her head, her lekku swinging gently. "Senator Mothma wants to see you."

His smile dimmed. "O-Oh... Okay."

"I can't stay long; they've got me burning the hyperfuel at both ends." Before she left them she reached in, pressing a motherly kiss to Ezra's temple, to which he stiffened and made a face.

"Heraaaa..." he complained.

"It's good to see you," she told him softly as she pulled back.

And with that, she was off again, lekku trailing behind her.

Kallus watched her go, seeing her disappear past a pair of docked Y-wings, then turned a concerned look on Ezra. The boy was hesitating, standing in place and making no move to go, expression uncertain. His hands were twitching as if he wanted to clench them.

"Would you like someone to accompany you?" he offered.

Ezra released a breath. "That... would be appreciated," he said, uncurling with relief. "Especially since I don't actually know where I'm going," he added with chagrin, embarrassed.

Kallus chuckled shortly. "It's this way," he indicated, taking the lead.

***

Ezra wasn't quite sure what to expect when he stepped through the doorway into the briefing room. Kallus steered him to a central holodisplay, where several important-looking members of the Rebellion were gathered, leaned in looking over the readouts and conferring in urgent voices.

He recognized Bail Organa, the senator from Alderaan. An older, gray-bearded man must have been General Dodonna. There was a woman in-between them, red-haired and clad in white, intense eyes focused on her conference. Those eyes glanced up when she noticed his approach, and she uttered a short, "Excuse me a moment." before turning from the holodisplay to face him.

Ezra came to a stop, slightly awed. He didn't quite know what to do with his hands, which fidgeted softly by his sides.

Mon Mothma clasped hers behind her and addressed him with an air of formal grace.

"Lieutenant Commander Bridger." She nodded to acknowledge him, a smile playing at her lips. "It's nice to finally meet you. Captain Syndulla speaks very highly of you."

Ezra reached up a hand to touch the back of his neck with a small, quite improper giggle. "She uh... she does huh?" he said, his eyes down bashfully.

"Focus," Kallus grouched from behind him.

He snapped up straight, eyes widening and jerking his hand back down to his side. "Right!" Hands fisting he bent forward in a short, stiff bow. "Senator." As he straightened the stiffness eased out of him. "I uh, saw a recording of your speech to the Senate. Pretty bold words."

The woman's smile turned rueful. "I only wish I'd said them sooner," she said. "The loss of Atollon was a hard blow to morale." She waved a hand to indicate the gathered Rebel company. "I made a call for the disparate Rebel cells to stand together above Dantooine." Her hand lowered again solemnly. "Less than half of who I'd hoped for answered."

Ezra swallowed down a swell of bile and guilt. "I'm sorry," he said softly, his chin dropping.

"Don't be." The soft admonition made him look back up. Mon Mothma's expression reminded him of Hera—tired, but warm and optimistic. Her eyes shone with it, and the upturned corners of her mouth. "It just means a little more work to persuade people to our cause," she said. Her hands returned to being clasped behind her. "That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about."

"I'm... not sure I follow," Ezra confessed, his eyes wrinkling.

"I'm told you withstood several rounds of the Brisney-Favvin Method," Mon Mothma said, paying a brief glance at Kallus.

Ezra shrugged. "I guess. I didn't exactly ask."

"I've already read Captain Kallus's report, but I wanted to confirm it from you." Her face softened before she made her request. "Can you describe the procedure they used? If you're comfortable, that is," she added quickly.

A nervous flutter passed through Ezra's stomach. He became hypersensitively aware of several pairs of eyes on him. Kallus's gaze in particular was heavy with concern. Ezra's fingers wrung together by his sides. The static that hovered constantly at the back of his head seemed to grow a fraction louder. He didn't really want to reach back and touch it. But Senator Mothma was waiting patiently, so he forced his discomfort down.

I don't have to go into detail, he thought. A surface description would be enough.

Steeling himself, he began to speak.

"They drugged me," he said. "A lot of truth serum, sedatives, and some other things later." He shook his head. "I'm not sure what. One of them burned," he remembered. "They kept me under pretty much the whole time. And in-between asking questions they shocked me."

Mon Mothma listened with a pensive expression. "At random or in a repeating cycle?" she asked.

"Repeating cycle."

She nodded sagely, giving a sigh. "That's all the classic trappings of the Brisney-Favvin, then. The Senate banned the use of the procedure years ago." Her head straightened, a trace of anger in her voice. "I'm disappointed, but not surprised, that the sanctions are being ignored."

Something had occurred to him. Ezra's eyes squinted, then widened a bit. "Wait, are... are you gonna reveal that the Empire's still using it?" he asked. "In the Senate, like you did when you called out the Ghorman massacre?"

A look passed between Mon Mothma and Sentator Organa. "Unfortunately we can't do so publicly without compromising our operatives in the Senate, due to the nature of how we obtained the information." She returned her attention to Ezra. "But behind closed doors, it could be enough to sway a few dignitaries. Again," she emphasized gently, "only if you're comfortable."

Ezra hesitated, thinking.

"We won't reveal it was you specifically," Mon Mothma promised.

He stirred from his thoughts, giving a shy half-shrug. "Sure, yeah," he said. "Whatever helps the Rebellion, right?" He could feel a quiet displeasure rolling off of Kallus but he ignored it.

Senator Mothma smiled and gave a nod. "I'm sure there are many other ways you can help the Rebellion, Lieutenant Commander. Have you been cleared for active duty yet?"

"Not yet," he told her, shaking his head. He tried not to sound too disappointed about the fact. "But I see Dr. Leslynn again in two days so, you know, maybe."

"I'm certainly looking forward to it." She stepped back, posture formal again though the warm, Hera-like expression was still in place. "Your fortitude and resilience in the face of Imperial torture is admirable," she told him. "We're lucky to have you."

A confusing flip rolled through Ezra's heart. He felt choked up and flushed and short of breath all at once. For a long while his throat was too tight for him to speak. He cleared it with a soft cough, and then managed a small, "Thanks."

Senator Mothma nodded once to dismiss him, then turned back to her conference with the others.

Ezra stood in place awkwardly, unsure now where to go next. The room resumed operations around him, paying him no more heed.

Except for Kallus of course, who turned his severely disquieted expression upon him.

"Are you sure you're comfortable with this?" he probed.

The boy shrugged. "She said they're not gonna say who it was, so it's not like anyone's going to know."

"That's not the point," Kallus said, an undercurrent of frustration in his voice. "Are you okay with the details of your personal trauma being discussed between other people?"

Ezra stifled a groan. "Kallus, it's fine. I don't—I'm not—" His words stumbled over each other. He stopped, closing his eyes a moment and taking a deep breath to clear the jumble of thoughts in his head.

He opened them again.

"I want to do it," he said quietly. "I need to feel like... like it was worth something. Like we didn't lose everything at Atollon," he continued, his mind drifting to Sato. A sinking heaviness felt like it was weighing him down. If the mission hadn't gone so belly-up... if he hadn't... then Mart wouldn't be alone right now and the Rebellion wouldn't be struggling.

Kallus made a face like he could hear Ezra's thoughts, chagrin twisting his mouth.

"That... doesn't sound entirely healthy," he said.

Ezra cracked a smile. "Yeah, well, fortunately you aren't my therapist," he said lightly, turning to find the nearest door. "So you don't have to make that call." He thumbed over his shoulder. "I'm gonna go see if Hera has anything for me to do on the Ghost. I'll see you later, Al."

Kallus had been looking as though he wanted to say something further, but upon hearing that he sputtered. "I beg your pardon, Al?"

"What?" Ezra asked innocently. "You said I could call you by your first name."

"I never meant for you to be that comfortable with it," the ex-ISB agent muttered.

"Don't be so embarrassed, Alexsandr," Ezra teased, "It ruins your image." and then he ducked out of the room before the sight of Kallus's darkening face could send him into hysterical giggles.

***

Kallus fumed, watching Ezra dart off. Despite the boy's cheerful tone, Kallus couldn't help but notice the skittish way he veered around a pair of techs working on an open circuit panel, their electro-welder making little yellow sparks as they pinched it.

Like he didn't want to be anywhere within earshot of it.

He sighed.

That talk with Captain Syndulla was definitely happening now.

---

As always, chapter notes!

1. Continuing off a bit of a thread I started in "Cracks In The Mirror", Kallus has now found himself mentor to the Iron Squadron kids. I did it because it was it funny. :)

2. And because it's still a hideous narrative injustice we never got to see Mart's reaction to his uncle's sacrifice. There will be more to come on that end.

3. I played off Ezra's interactions with Mon Mothma as though he had just an eensy little bit of a crush on her. We all know the boy has a type, come on.

4. Ezra's startle reaction is growing more pronounced. Kallus can't help but notice.

5. Space Mom Hera finally appears! As mentioned prior in "Cracks In The Mirror", Ezra's ordeal has made her into even more of a workaholic than usual, hence why she hasn't seen Ezra until now—too busy making the Empire pay.

I am so looking forward to next week's chapter you guys. Drop me a review and tell me how I'm doing.

[uth0ttm]

lADS EXCITING NEWS

maybe,,,,

IM NOT DEAD CACKLING SM-

AND OH MAN

THERES A LOT 2 TELL YALL ABT WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE TIME THAT I HAVENT BEEN ON HERE

SOME SPICY THINGS HAPPEN IN THIS STORY BUT NOT SUS SPICY, SO ILL PUT TWS FOR WHEN SAID THINGS APPLY

ALSO THERES A TLDR AT THE BOTTOM FOR YALL WHO STILL WANNA KNOW THE STORY BUT DONT WANNA READ SM

So like,,,

Awhile ago now, literal months has passed by since I've been on here but, I had deleted Tumblr bc it was just taking up way 2 much space on my phone and I wasn't using it much, which is understandable yk. Get rid of the things you dont use often for space. So I did

Well in the whole process of that shit happened

Biggest shit I never thought would've happened in HIGH SCHOOL of all places like miss gurl this shit was wack

So last December I met a girl and her friend because I was hanging out with my then gf in the library, and I overheard this girl and said friend talking abt Resident Evil: Village (if you don't know what this game is by this point in time u are fr living under a rock my guy-/lh), and specifically about Lady D. And now I know I shouldn't have been eves dropping or continuously listening in 2 their conversation, but I honestly couldn't help it bc literally no one else except for maybe 3 other people would talk abt things like Resident Evil bc this high school was built in probably one of the most mormon places u can find in Canada that borders the States-

So for that reason, ofc I was gonna be invested in their Convo. Well after listening for a bit, I politely excuse myself from my then gf bc she was doing homework at that point n it seemed like I was just gonna be bothering her rather than having her also be excited abt these two other people talking about RE. Then gf let's me go over and so I honestly pretty timidly walked up to the two cuz they're sitting at a table in the library, and I asked if I could sit down with them and talk to them because I've never heard anyone else talk about RE in this school. I did also apologize for listening in bc the conversation they were having could've been personal life details, but it was all about RE when I was listening in, so at least I wasn't intruding in that aspect. Anyways, the two let me sit down and talk with them, and the both of them are really excited to have another person to have sit down with them and talk about what seems to be one of their fixations and so we talk for quite a while before having to go home. What I didn't realize is that this girl has been on my bus the entirety of grade 12, and even though I sat in the back and she sat in the back, I never took notice because I was more focused on my brother, who was in grade 9 at the time, and unfortunately (or fortunately, however you wanna put it) I am quite overprotective of said little brother. But also, when I say this girl sat in the back of the bus, I meant it was WAY back, and this is because she is permanently in a wheelchair. Now you may be asking "what's so important about that fact, why do you have to specify that?" Well I have to specify it for later on in the story because it ties into the insanity I faced later on in this story. So she's in the very back of the bus because we have the bus that's meant for people permanently in a wheelchair to help them get onto the bus, and once she's on the bus, the whole way back home I'm talking to her, and I introduce my friends I already had to her because she's a really cool person and I have no clue why I've never noticed/spoken to her in the first place.

Well fast-forward to only a few weeks later, we've become really good friends, this girl (who I will continue to call S) and her friend (who I will call G) have full on integrated into our friend group and are all getting along great with each other. Plot twist, or so I thought, because I found out way later on that my then gf had been going behind my back to 2 of our other friends and ranting about how jealous she was of S and how I had apparently been spending way too much time with her and G, and not enough time with her, even though whenever I'd go to spend time with someone, it was always her. I was stuck to her side as the loyal golden retriever bf. Yet she was going behind my back and claiming that I wasn't spending enough time with her and all my time was going to not S AND G, but only to S. She was getting severely jealous of S because she thought I was going behind HER back and was cheating on her with S. My gf at the time even accused me of such in private and I had to prove that I had never, would never, and could never cheat on her because I'm too loyal to do so, plus S had already stated that she was AroAce due to childhood trauma involving her moms bfs when she was little, because with her being in a wheelchair, she didn't want to end up getting into an abusive relationship herself, because she has no easy way to get out of something like that, especially with having muscular dystrophy. I told my then gf that as well. Eventually said gf believed me and things were smoothed out, at least I thought so, but as time went on, then gf was still very jealous and still going behind my back and saying mean things about S.

So fast forward to April of this year. I'm really excited about this month because the 23rd of this month would have marked mine and said gfs one year anniversary, so ofc I was excited. That and at that point S and G where really close friends of mine, especially S because we found we had a lot of the same interests as each other, and even if we didn't, whatever interest the other wasn't into, we'd still hype each other up about it and state how cool it was even if we personally weren't into it (and this is how she got me into the band Ghost all the way back in January, but that's another story for another time-). Well, I was also excited about April because about a week prior to it being April, student council had announced they were gonna have a talent show event, and I didn't know this but S was gonna be in it! When she told me I was really excited about it because she's a real good singer and she knows all about music because that's what she's good at besides art. So she's telling me all about it because she came to ask me what song, specifically from Ghost, she should do, and when I gave her a few suggestions, she deliberated on them and had chosen Life Eternal. After a little while of us talking, she had also asked if I would perform with her so that it would be a little less freaky to perform in front of the whole school, and although singing in front of people scares me (I'll only do so in front of my brother and people I'm really close to usually), I agreed to sing with her because I will do anything for my friends. Little did I know however, this would only make my then gf MORE jealous. So anyways, time goes on, we did the talent show, it was pretty fun and as a last minute decision I had decided to paint half of my face in Copia/Papa IV's papa makeup, which made S really happy, and all day and a few days after, we won't stop talking abt how wicked we were, even though the thing as a whole wasn't, we were just happy and excited about our part we had in the talent show. This happened on the 12th of April. Fast forward only a couple days later, the 15th. At this point said gf and I had quite a few arguments, all started by her, all somehow involving S, and all deescalated by me. However, things weren't gonna be deescalated this time, since then gf had cheated on me the night beforehand with some guy. I was obviously taken aback by this because why would you ever do that? Anyways, we break up that day, but we don't tell any of our friends because we don't know how to break the news to them. Or so I thought. Even to the last minute, then gf had found a way to blatantly lie to my face. Remember how I've been saying then gf would go behind my back telling 2 of our other friends how jealous she was of S? Apparently she had PLANNED THIS WHOLE CHEATING AND BREAKUP SCHEME AND THOSE 2 FRIENDS ALREADY KNEW WE WERE GONNA BREAKUP

I only found out about this whole thing the next month, in May. But I went along with this big lie, which I only thought me and then gf knew about. Anyways, a week later is when S finds out we've broken up because finally it was decided by then gf and I that maybe the rest of our friends should know, and we all individually told them, although I didn't exactly one on one tell S about it, she found out through one of my Instagram stories, and so S being S, she runs to my DMs about it and asks if I'm ok. I tell her truthfully that I am, I've gotten over it, this and that, just generally reassuring my best friend that I would be ok, but if I had to, I would come to her if I was feeling sad.

Anyways, another week passes by, and S comes to me on discord really confused, and honestly pretty scared, and so me being a good friend, I sit down and listen to her. She reveals to me that she thinks she's started to have feelings for me, but since she doesn't really know how that feels, mainly due to her trauma induced AroAceness, she is currently freaking out about it because she doesn't know if they're actual feelings, or if it's just her brain trying to play tricks on her and whatnot. She then proceeds to profusely apologize because she knows this is bad timing on her part since I had just gotten out of a relationship and she feels really bad and like I'm going to hate her for such. But I reassured her that her confessing this to me wasn't going to make me hate her in any aspect, especially because she was confused about what her feelings were. In the end, I told her I would think about things and tell her the next day whether or not we could take things further, and then we went on like that and just didn't revisit the topic for the rest of the night. So the next day, I come back and tell S over discord that we can further what's happening and just kinda see what happens. I was expecting her to jump right in when it came to a relationship, but she held back and told me outright she couldn't be in a relationship yet because she didn't want to get into a relationship with me, and then a week later break up with me because she got too scared and couldn't handle it because she didn't want to be the next person to break my heart, especially since it was broken not that long ago. I respectfully accepted that and asked her where she wanted to go with that, and thus started her journey on learning to be ok with dating, and that not every person was going to abuse her like she had seen when she was little with her moms boyfriends. Weeks go on and whenever the topic of being in a relationship came up, it was always her asking me questions so she could be more comfy with the idea of a relationship. This whole time shes trying to figure things out is probably one of the hardest things she's experienced because she doesn't exactly know what to do, hence why she asks questions involving relationships, and so I answer to the best of my abilities. This whole time shes also really amazed and confused at how patient and nice I'm being about the whole thing and that if this were anyone else they most likely would've given up, but I got all cheesy on her and told her that if you truly love someone, you will be there for them no matter what, and that seemed to reassure her any time she was so confused about my patience towards her.

Anyways, it comes to be mid-May, the 17th to be exact, and the whole time I've been helping S figure what's going on out, we've become really close. We haven't talked about relationship things all the time leading up to this point, but it's been enough to help her get more comfy with it. Anyways, the night of the 17th of May, we get back onto the topic of relationship stuff, and it ends with her saying she thinks she's finally ready for a relationship!! She says that she's still a little scared and that there's still a gross feeling in her tummy when she thinks about being in a relationship, but she tells me that she's pretty sure it's just her brain trying to trick her, and her best bet is just jumping right in at this point because she doesn't think she can get any more comfortable, and in her words she said "what's the worst that could happen!" (Keep this in mind because this is kinda funny tying into this next part of the story) so at 10:56 PM, on May 17th, S finally said yes to being in a relationship with me, and today, September 17th, marks 4 months we've been together!! It's really exciting because even before being in a romantic relationship with her, the platonic one we had was one of the best friendships I've ever had, and since knowing her, I have been extremely happy and I could not be more thankful for having her in my life. One of my favourite nicknames for her is Skrinkle, which is just a deformed way of calling her my scrungle, and she calls me Scrinch, which is her romantic name for me that is literally just an inside joke about the Grinch, but idm, I think it's pretty cute lmao.

But, that's not the point, unfortunately story does not end at me getting my happily ever after with my absolutely beautiful gf, no, we're still on abt my ex gf, bc she's ✨fucking insane✨

And no, I don't joke about that. This isn't a classic case of the one ex over exaggerating how wack their ex is, no, my ex is literally fucking insane I swear to you. This is because the next day, our friend group is at school and it's lunch time, at this point ex gf stopped hanging out with us ig because I was there kinda thing. Anyways, one of our friends, who was also one of the ones ex gf had been talking to behind my back, tells me, Skrinkle, and a bunch of our other friends that she is scared for specifically Skrinkle's safety, because recently my ex gf has apparently been making death threats to Skrinkle in an entirely separate server where only my ex, and the 2 friends she was talking to were in, and ex gf would always try to poorly disguise said death threats as vents that she needed to get out

Now TW here for certain people

Now this is the part in the story where, if you've forgored, you remember that Skrinkle/S/my gf is in a wheelchair because of a disability she has because my ex gf, within her disgusting, hate-fueled rants, said on multiple occasions she had wanted to push Skrinkle down a flight of stairs, there was another instance where she talked about walking behind her with a hammer and wanting to bash her skull in, and, this is the fun part, last night (which would've been the 17th of May, the day we had gotten together), she had written a several paragraphs, of in depth details on how she wanted to murder Skrinkle. She had written these details an hour after me and Skrinkle got together. Now rightfully everyone sat there in stunned silence after our friend had told us this but she said she told us so we would be safe because she genuinely was scared one of us would get hurt, especially Skrinkle. I just kinda looked at Skrinkle and joked about how she had said "what's the worst that could happen" after she decided to say yes to being in a relationship with me, and we had just found out that the absolute worst that couldve happened did happen, and it was an hour after we had gotten together. Anyways, we continue talkig on about this, mainly about what we should do in this situation bc its really fucked up, but partway through I start overthinking bc I'm just like aw fuck I got her into this mess, she's gonna get hurt bc of me, this that n the other thing yk, n I start breaking down. People start freaking out bc they've never seen me cry so they're trying to make me feel better but I'm just having an absolute moment over here fjsjdnd-

Anyways, I calm down eventually and we get things sorted out but uh

yEAH-

THATS THE BASIS OF WHATS HAPPENED TO ME THE PAST LITTLE BIT IVE BEEN GONE

AND NOW IM IN COLLEGE THATS WACK-

BUT BESIDES THAT SHIT THAT HAPPENED MY LAST YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL, THINGS ARE DOING ALR AND MYSELF AND MY NOW GF ARE DOING GREAT!!

THANK U 2 THOSE 2 READ THE WHOLE THING

ITS QUITE A LOT

WHICH BRINGS ME TO OUR TLDR SO LIKE

Tldr; I met a new girl who's physically disabled, became friends w her, ex gf got jealous of her, we broke up bc ex cheated on me, girl I became friends with caught feelings for me, we eventually got 2gether, and my ex gf plotted to kill a disabled person and made wild death threats and whatnot (some involved pushing her down the stairs), but dw we're both safe and thriving now and I'm currently in college :>

[onrainynights]

So I'm about to tell y'all a tale, buckle up. Everything here is 100% true, except names are changed or shortened because duh. Also warning there is slightly nsfw content, nothing explicit and only mentioned but still warrants a warning.

So, I'm 17, almost 18. I'm a high school senior. The story starts almost two years ago, in the fall of 2018. I was a sophomore. One of my best friends, V, was in our school's show choir for the first time, and had made friends with a new guy one year our senior who was also in slow choir. I knew before I met him that he was gay, because V told me. This guy can be called E. One day, he sits at our lunch table and I'm not really paying attention to his conversation with V, I'm just eating my lunch. But then I look up and my first thought when I see him is "eyebrows" because he has really thick eyebrows and then "wow he's actually really cute." He was the first person I was attracted to in over 2 years. I proceed to ask V all about him while admiring him from afar for several months. At this point its nothing more than attraction because I've never really had a conversation with him. Then, in the spring, I volunteered at the show choir competition my school hosted. I ended up talking to him (yay), and he hugs me within minutes of meeting me. One of the first things I ever say to him is "I like your eyebrows." Things are slightly awkward, because I'm an awkward person, and so is he, but it's pleasant. Unfortunately I don't get to spend too much time with him because we both had things we needed to do and there was A LOT of drama that night not involving either of us.

After that point we would talk occasionally but never really got to know each other, UNTIL fall of my junior year and his senior year. By this point I had a crush, but it wasn't more than that and I didn't feel we knew each other well enough to warrant me telling him my feelings. We were both in the fall musical. At auditions, we were friendly. Except he asked me about J, a guy one year younger than me, who was also just as gay as both me and E. The way he asked me "Who is that?" I knew, immediately, that he was attracted to J. He sounded exactly like I did when I first asked V about E after seeing him for the first time.

Regardless, E and me talked a lot more during rehearsals, though we usually kept our conversations light in topic. We flowed well, and he was just as physically affectionate as I was. After a few weeks, I see him cuddling with J during rehearsal, and a friend informs me they started dating. I asked them both questions about how it started—a Snapchat story, go figure. At first I was jealous, but I saw how happy E seemed, and that was all that mattered. But I didn't really know J, like at all other than his name, so I started spending as much time as I could with the both of them. They were a cute couple, I have to admit, but they always did PDA because of J's homophobic family. They only ever saw each other at school.

The first time I talked to J without E there, we bonded. I don't remember over what. The next time, we were alone because I pulled him aside after he made a dirty joke that I honestly couldn't tell if he meant (he did. It was hilarious, and I told him up-front that I wanted to be friends with him. He enthusiastically agreed.) The time after that, it was because I decided he should know about my feelings for E. I didn't want him to potentially find out later on and think I was trying to steal his boyfriend. He was amazingly mature. He said he felt bad for taking E from me when I had liked him longer, but I assured him that E didn't belong to me by any means and besides, J made E happy and that was all I cared about. I think I was already in love with E by this point but I didn't know it yet. J and I joked about my feelings for E whenever we were alone. We got along really well and it was a great time.

One time I cuddled with them, and it was nice, and when E had to get up J and I kept cuddling and talked about how much we both just wanted E to be happy. It was really nice.

And then, closer to the opening night of the show when the set was being built and there were more places to be out of sight, something strange happened. Now, earlier when I said PDA I meant they made out in front of others frequently, and the first time they did anything sexual with each other was in a well-known security camera blind spot in the upstairs math hall after all the teachers had gone home. I know that because J and E (mostly J) liked to tell me about their sex life. In fact, I knew more about their relationship than most people probably did.

So we were backstage one day, when E wasn't needed on-stage much despite playing a main character. There were two prop chairs between the three of us. J sat on E's lap on the chair that had a higher back and I sat as close to them as I could in an office chair. They weren't kissing or anything, just talking.

It was innocent, at first. But then J started working E up, if you know what I mean. It wasn't really uncomfortable for me, because J somehow made me feel ~included~ in their activities. He would whisper something lewd to E, who would blush or say something back, and then would tell me about how affected E was, how hard he was. At some point I think E mentioned not wanting to come in his pants, but I'm not sure. I kinda forced myself not to look into this event after it happened, so the details are a bit fuzzy. Eventually, E made J stop because he had to go on stage soon and didn't want to have a boner while pretending to be straight. J and I talked afterwards, but I don't remember what about, and it was never mentioned between us again. I'm fairly sure that J was a bit of an exhibitionist, and that E wasn't really one but wasn't opposed to what J was doing, either.

Honestly, in hindsight, I'm not sure what to think about this, because I was always so certain they both viewed me 100% platonically, but then they included me in their "sexytimes" without hesitation. In fact, at one point a plan was in place for me to room with them on an overnight trip so that they could do the do without making their roommate uncomfortable. They were both fully aware that I was probably the only person who didn't mind their PDA, and that sentiment may seem incongruous for a love triangle such as this, but I never questioned it. I loved E selflessly, and so it made me happy to see him happy, no matter what—or who—was doing so. Also, I think perhaps I was crushing on J at some point, but I'm not sure. These screenshots are of me explaining the event to a very close friend a few days ago after the shock wore off that I hadn't told her about it as soon as it happened.

At some point, a mutual good friend of mine and E's, who we'll call A, hosted a party for the cast of our musical. I'm not sure if this was before or after the casual exhibitionism incident, but I'm inclined to think it was before.

This party did not involve alcohol of any kind because theatre kids don't need any to make a party unique, wild, and totally unforgettable. It was small, with maybe 20 people at its peak. E and I were there and J was not, because his family thoroughly sucked ass. Anyway, at that party E told me he was in love with J, and wanted to marry him some day. I, obviously, thought that was kinda crazy to say after knowing each other for two months, but I held my tongue because E smiled so widely when he said it. Later that same night, everyone was sitting around a fire, playing a game somewhat similar to truth or dare. Due to a lack of seating, E ended up sitting on my lap for most of the game, which lasted over an hour, my hands around his waist. It was very nice, and when he got up he laughed and said he forgot he was sitting on my lap. He forgot little things like that a lot. I always found it endearing.

Then the show performed and then it was over, and I didn't get to talk to E again until a few months later, and I never talked to J again. Unlike most teens, I do not talk to people online /through text unless I already know them super super well. I hate getting to know people over text. By the time I see E again, because he's the student assistant in my choir class that semester, he and J have broken up. It was messy, and E is hurt. They're on-again-off-again for several months, but I can never forgive J for hurting E, not when he had talked about only wanting E to be happy. Despite that, I wish I could have spent more time with J. He was a good person, but he and E had a toxic relationship after the honeymoon stage, I think because J simply was not ready to be in a serious relationship. (A agrees with me fully on this.)

So E talks with me and a mutual "friend" (we're all friendly but I wouldn't consider this person a friend. Funnily enough, he also had a crush on E at some point, and we bonded over this. Funny how that happens.) about his relationship, and the things he says raise some red flags about J (including J doing something E didn't like during sex and then not stopping when E asked him to. I was very very angry at this but tried not to show it). It became clear to me that their relationship was toxic, but I didn't feel like I could do anything about it. In hindsight, I should have known their relationship was doomed a lot sooner.

Specifically, there was one point during the musical that J had to resolve things with his ex, who was a friend of mine (who I didn't know was queer and wasn't supposed to until E accidentally let it slip.) While J and his ex talked, I cuddled with E and reassured him that everything would be ok. He was convinced that J would cheat on him or get back with his ex. This lack of trust should have been a sign for me, but I didn't realize it until much, much later. I was focused on comforting E at the time and J couldn't have been farther from my mind.

Then, after E and J got back together again for the last time, covid happened, and school closed. I haven't spoken to E since, and no one knows what's going on with J. The only thing anyone knows is that they're not together anymore, and from what I can tell, they're not in contact at all and aren't going to get together again. E graduated, J is at a different school, and despite everything, I miss both of them.

Every day, I pass by a photo of E and A in the hallway of my school, and my heart swells, and I feel like crying. A graduated too, and she's moving thousands of miles away at the end of October for college. E is still living in our town, going to community college, but I never get to see him.

Our school is doing a fall play instead of a musical this year, and E and A are coming to visit and see a rehearsal before A moves away. It could be one of the last times, if not the last time, I get to see either of them. I'm going to tell E about my feelings, because for the first time since I realized my feelings for him were not skin-deep, he's single and not recovering from a nasty breakup. I'm not expecting him to return my feelings, but I'm expecting surprise. I've been very careful up to this point to keep my feelings from him—I thought it would be selfish to tell him when he wasn't emotionally available. A loves the idea—apparently she thinks someone confessing feelings for her after years would be sweet—but I know that if someone did that to me I might not be so happy. I would be shocked and surprised first, and then my reaction after that would depend on the person.

Also, to complicate all of this, I'm trans and he has expressed confusion about that before (poor guy is uneducated in that department, but not bigoted and certainly better than some gay men can be, but I still have no clue if my trans status would deter him from having feelings for me)

My feelings for this guy are deeper than anything I've ever felt before. I really love him, and I know that I'll regret it forever if I never tell him. His visit feels like it's as close to the right time as I'm gonna get, and it might be my last chance on top of that. I don't need him to return my feelings, but I need to know that I did everything I could to take my chances.

TL;DR: I'm a gay idiot but I'm finally gonna tell him how I feel