#anyway yes corax and night haunter

[necrophiliak]

[cannibalise]

my suicide note is just gonna be a manifesto on why raven guard being gay with night lords is an inherent part of who they are conceptually and theyre like if subfactions were soulmates and

[incorrect-primarchs-quotes]

Ok so a completely impartial opinion on the „Which primarch is best in bed" topic from a person who doesn't feel attraction to ANY of these Bois

Lion- 5/10. AND THAT IS NOT A BAD SCORE. Lion does what he needs to do and nothing more. His partner is always okay, he is always okay, nothing exceptional, but nothing to complain about. Perfect middle ground.

Fulgrim: 9/10. Hear me out here for a sec. Fulgrim would be perfect but he is overwhelming as fuck. If someone just wants to have a nice and wholesome vanilla time, Fulgrim will probably always bring some kinky bullshit to the table.

Perturabo: 4/10. Perty doesn't give a fuck about you. He's probably not even sexually attracted to anyone. Having said that, he's building sex toys for Fulgrim.

Jaghatai: 7/10. The Khan FUCKS. I would imagine it like Khal Drogo in the Song of Ice and Fire books. Nothing actually kinky per se, just like... Really rough vanilla. Which is great for some, not so good for others.

Leman: 7/10. Probably same as Jaghatai but more Viking flavor and he will lift his partner just to display his power.

Rogal: nope/10. Rogal is ace. Period. Leave him alone and let him build things in peace.

Konrad: The Night Haunter is a 3/10. KONRAD is an 8/10. When we are talking about Konrad as the sociopathic murderbatman, then no. No one wants that. But if we are talking about Konrad as the tactical leader, terror tactics user and justice enthusiast... Then yes. 8/10. He would be amazing. But same problem as Fulgrim.

Sanguinius: NOPE/10. Sanguinius. Is also. Ace. And all the blood angels too. (It's canon) He was too good for you anyway

Ferrus: 3/10. Ferrus is the stereotypical man. He only thinks about himself, his partner is never satisfied, never experiments, and his hands are cold.

Angron: 5/10. Would be the same as Ferrus, BUT he actually lasts long enough to do something.

Roboute Guilliman: 7/10. The opposite of Fulgrim. He is AMAZING and vanilla and cuddles, and nothing else. But hey. He's a good guy. Husband material.

Mortarion: 2/10. Stinky. Selfish. Probably lost the ability to enjoy it because of all the toxic gases he's been huffing.

Magnus: 8/10. Look. In my headcanon, Magnus is demisexual. It's very logical if you think about it. So he is rarely attracted to anyone. But when he IS. OOOOH BOY. He did his reading. And he's a shapeshifter. What else could you want? Only problem: Probably tries to use warp fuckery in bed like that one scene in Watchmen. Homeboy out here cloning himself so he can rail you while he's studying in the other room.

Horus: 8/10: Same as Roboute, only more willing to experiment.

Lorgar: 2/10. No. Just no. Never. In no universe. Stop.

Vulcan: 10/10. Yes. Just yes. Always. In every universe. He is amazing at cuddles, gives great hugs, but is also kinky and will support your kinks. Concerned about your well being and always asks for consent on everything. Best man.

Corvus: 9.5/10. Same as Vulcan, only he's probably a bit less cuddly. Sorry Corax, you get second.

Alpharius and Omegon only have sex with you so they can steal your wallet and identity. If you're okay with that, they are a solid 7/10.

[fuukonomiko]

"Honestly, I'm not all that serious about Magnus. He's made it pretty clear that he's unavailable. I'm just trying to make the man smile, he needs it. But, hey, if the Lady Karimah wants to come with, she's more than welcome. If I get invited to a threesome I'm not going to sa you no! By the way," she nudges the Goddess, "your Night Haunter did indicate earlier that he might possibly maybe consider a threesome." She winks. Just the absolute, utter, total WORST.

She laughed. “Why, yes yes he did say that. “ Fuuko pulls out a scroll, about five feet long. “You do have to meet certain requirements before we do consider. He’s very persnickety you know. You know how long it took before he even let me get to first base? I’m not going to answer that....”

“Oookay. Down to the list. Let me see. For a possible, and I mean possible...threesome with Konrad Curze and Fuuko, you must meet the following requirements. 

“You must not bear the name Lion El Jonson, Roboute Guilliman, Vulkan, Corvus Corax, Angron, Magnus the Red, Lorgar Aurelian, Fulgrim, Alpharius...dammit every single Primarch you CANNOT be named as such. Anyway...must not have a history of the cooties...no history of weird anything down there...which is understandable. Let’s see...must be physically able to benchpress 135 lbs...wait...that’s how much I weigh...what? I AM NOT GETTING BENCHPRESSED. Anyways....prefer dark hair, stay away from white blondes because it gives him nasty memories. Are you keeping with me, Anon?