#anyway work just put me in a really fucking awful mood so I'm just going to post this and hope it gets seen lol

[mushroompollution]

Chapter 63: Purpose

Previous Chapters: The Sablier Arc Masterpost (35-42) || 43 || 44 || 45 || 46 || 47 || 48 || [Ceremony Arc: 49 || 50 || 51 || 52 || 52.5 || 53 || 54 || 55 || 56 || 57 || 57.5 || 58 || 59 || 60 || 61 ] bonus: 61.5 || 62

Read the manga: imgur || mangaread (ad warning)

Meanwhile, in Pandora's gardens, the Duchess Rainsworth asks Duke Barma what he's scheming. When he's quiet, she realizes, he's not scheming. Something is troubling him.

Leo is as flowery as ever as he asks Oz to take a walk with him and give him a chance to persuade him to work together.

Gilbert looks terrified as he watches them walk off, but Vincent assures him Leo won't attack out of the blue..... Probably.

little baby Leo little baby Leo little baby Leo

His father had died when he was too young to remember. His mother was all he had, until she died when he was around 12. Her death had been surrounded by rumors, some saying she had been caught up in a drunken brawl, others that she had been devoured by a terrible monster.

Either way, when investigators took Leo away, no one from his village tried to stop them.

He understood that.

He thought he would be arrested, but instead he was taken to the House of Fianna. He wasn't always good with children, though. When one of them asked why his bangs were so long and tried to touch his hair, he had shoved her rather harshly and run off to hide

And that was how he discovered the small library full of books outside the children's level.

Elliot was noble-minded and unyielding. That's probably why someone like Leo, so completely different from him, accepted the offer to stay by his side.

But maybe, that wasn't a good idea after all.

Leo recounts the incident in the crater. The children screaming. Humpty Dumpty's attack had sent Elliot flying. And then Leo had begged him to say its name.

He remembered all of it when he awoke after. Those things all really happened. And yet...

After that, things had seemed to go back to normal. The kids played and laughed like they hadn't lost three of their siblings. Leo was told those kids who died had never existed. How could he argue? He let himself believe, and things quickly went back to normal.

But something felt out of place now.

Leo reveals that he had overheard the conversation between Elliot and Oz during the ceremony. When Elliot had said that he was worried something was wrong with Leo. He seemed to be brooding over something, sometimes he didn't even seem to understand what Elliot was talking about....

So the weird one, the one who was losing it, had to be him, Leo had figured.

Finally, we learn what the Will of the Abyss had asked of Break when his Illegal Contract had dragged him to her chamber at the bottom of Abyss.

She had asked him to find a way to destroy her, and to save Alice.

Once, the Abyss had been bathed in golden light.

Then, suddenly, the Will of the Abyss appeared and warped it into what it is now. This, in turn, lead to the Tragedy of Sablier. Leo inherited the soul of Glen Baskerville, and Elliot became an Illegal Contractor and died, all because of her.

Leo tells Oz that the Baskervilles are on the side of justice and asks him to join them. But Oz says, he doesn't really like people who go around brandishing the banner of justice. When it comes to humans, there is no black or white, justice or evil.

He asks if Leo is going to recreate the Tragedy.

Probably, Leo says, with some hesitation. If that turns out to be the only way to destroy the Will of the Abyss.

[butchcarmy]

Idk if you've written this but can you write about carmy and the reader arguing and he makes her cry? Idk I just feel like thatd be good angst fluff lol

AHH I got carried away as per usual. anyway this is good stuff. wrote a bunch. enjoy!!

word count: 1.3k

tags: traumatized carmy, mentally ill carmy and reader, arguing, language, HURT/COMFORT, ANGST/FLUFF, carmy being a sweetie

Hm…i'm spending a lot of time thinking about the set-up for this. Carmy is a very careful person when it comes to those he’s romantically involved in, but at the same time, he has a hard time controlling his temper when he's in the darkness, as i'll put it. 

here's something awful i think about that i wanna write about. carmy's stressed about work, because of course he is. he's carmy. his head is whirring, spinning with anxiety and self-hatred. i think you're just like him. mentally ill for mentally ill if you will. you're also in a bad mood, and he comes home from The Bear exhausted and keyed up.

“I hate when you push me away like this,” you admit. You've been trying to get him to talk to you since he's been home. Maybe he just needs space, but separation makes you anxious. Especially when he shuts down. 

“I'm sorry that it's so hard for you,” he spits, finally snapping and turning to face you. You've followed him into the dark bedroom, lit only by the harsh moonlight through the window. You flinch. You never quite get used to seeing him like this. 

“I—I just—“ you feel pressure beginning in the back of your eyes. You will it away. “How can I help you if you don’t talk to me?”

“Why do you care so much? Does it make you feel better to take care of someone more fucked up than you?” He snaps, voice raised. His words go down bitter, leaving an awful taste in your mouth. Something in you shatters.

“How could you ask me that?” Your vision’s gone hot and blurry. “I’m your partner. I love you, that’s why I care, you asshole!” You’re stifling sobs. You hate crying in fights like this, but it hurts. You can’t help it.

“Fuck,” Carmy mutters under his breath. He’s gone still in your blurred vision. “Baby, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that—“

“That was so fucked up, Carmy.” You move to sit on the bed, trying to wipe your tears away, but they keep coming. “What’s your problem?”

“You know what my problem is.” His remorse has swept away the anger, leaving him quiet before you. He leans down at your knees, hands on your thighs. “I shouldn’t have said that. Any of that.”

“You shouldn’t have.” Carmy nods quickly, and he raises a hand to your wet cheeks. “Fuckin’ asshole.”

“I know.” He takes your pain, your anger in its entirety. His other hand brings your knuckles to his lips. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it.“

“Sure sounded like you meant it.” Anger flares up in your chest, hurt and betrayed, but you tamp it down, leaning into his hand cradling his face. You take a deep breath to steady yourself. “Damnit, Carmy.”

“I know. I know.” He’s still kissing your hand. “You’re too good for me. I don’t deserve you.” You hate it when he talks like this, because you can tell he really believes it.

“Don’t say that. Please.” 

“But it’s true.” You look down at him in the moonlight, at his sad blue eyes. “I always find ways to hurt you. I…”

“That’s what being in a relationship is, Carm.” You pat the space next to you. “Sit with me?”

“I keep having to remind myself of that.” He sinks into the bed next to you. “I’m so sorry for talking about you like that. Like you’re only doing this out of…I don’t know. Obligation.” He drags a hand across his tired face. “You don’t deserve that. I’m sorry. I just, I just think that—that I’m—fuck—“

“Slow down, Carm,” you say quietly. “It’s okay. You don’t need to force it. I’m listening.” He smiles bitterly at you, and you recognize the love in it easily. He takes in a deep breath before continuing. 

“I still have a hard time believing that anyone cares about me. I can’t even believe that you—love me.” You can practically see the shame rolling off of him in waves. “And it makes me scared.”

“Love is scary, isn’t it?” You say softly. He just nods. “It scares me, too. That’s why I kept pestering you when you got home. I…” You blink quickly. You don’t wanna cry again. “It scares me when I don’t know what you’re thinking. Because…I dunno. It just does.”

“Yeah?” You nod. He has this thoughtful expression that he holds for a moment as he stews on your words. “I didn’t think about it like that. I’m sorry. I think…I think when you kept asking me if I was okay, it…” he sighs, scratches at his temples. “I felt like I was…getting back into a corner. I think.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.” You take his hand in yours. “I can see how that must’ve felt really bad.”

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault that I’m like this. I think—I think it just reminded me of my mom. We would always ask her if she was okay, because she’s fucking crazy, yknow? We didn’t wanna step on her toes. But it turns out we did anyway. And the way I acted just now, I was just like…” He can’t even get the words out. “I’m sorry,” he apologizes again, voice choked with emotion. “I love you. So much. You know that, right?”

“You tell me everyday. How could I not?” You pull him into a hug, tight and warm, and he instantly wraps his arms around you. “You’re not your mom, Carm. You're nothing like her. Okay?” 

“I don’t wanna be like her,” he whispers. “I don’t wanna be like her.”

“You’re not,” you remind him softly. “And you won’t be.”

Carmy leans back to look at you, but he remains close. His expression is knotted with pain. You run your thumb over his furrowed brow, and it makes his mouth curve upwards in a smile. It’s fleeting, but it was there. 

“I’m sorry,” he repeats. “I’ll try to open up more. Let you know what I’m thinking.”

Suddenly, you think about when you first started dating Carmy. He was so scared to open up to you emotionally, but with gentle prodding, he fell apart instantly. There was a hunger in him to be known by others, to be seen by you, and it scared him to death. You see that same fear in him now, but you also see how much he’s grown since then. You doubt you would’ve been able to have this conversation at all in the first couple months. 

That makes you happy in a way you’re not quite able to word properly.

“Thank you. But I hope you also know I don’t want to force you. I just wanna help. And…” You measure your words carefully. “I’ll try not to let it freak me out so much. Because if you’re not in the mood to talk, I want you to know that’s okay. Okay?”

“Okay. I’d like that. If I don’t want to talk, I’ll just tell you. Instead of…blowing a fuse.” He laughs dryly. 

“I’d like that too.” You let out an exhale of relief you didn’t realize you were holding. “Wow, Carm. Look at us. Communicating!”

“I know.” That makes him laugh for real this time, and you’re laughing too. “I couldn’t do it without you.”

“I think you could. But I certainly like doing it with you.” His smiles grows wider at that, brimming with affection. 

“Let me make this up to you, baby.” He pulls you in for a kiss, slow and deep. You let out a little noise when his lips meet yours. 

“Make it up to me?” Carmy’s tongue is on your neck now. Oh. “Aren’t you tired? You—you have work tomorrow—?”

“Don’t care.” You fall back onto the bed, and the blankets deflate under you. You stare up at Carmy, his curls hanging by his face. “You’re more important.”

“Well, if you insist…” You giggle, and your giggles get louder when Carmy pulls up your shirt to blow raspberries against your stomach. “Carmy, quit it—oh—!”

He makes it up to you in full and more by keeping his head between your legs for the rest of the night. By the end of it you can't remember what you were mad about in the first place.

[kaija-rayne-author]

OMG I'm laughing so hard at someone calling me names because I dared post that I had to unfollow people who were toxicly positive about Veilguard and being twats about it to others.

Again, I'm truly happy for you if you liked it. I didn't. You shockingly don't have to be an asshole to others about it. Nor do you need to shit on something other people loved simply because checks notes, some stranger on the internet said that they didn't want to follow people being toxically positive about something you liked. Oooookay then. 🤣

It's a video game. A piece of entertainment. It's fiction.

If you get so worked up over someone else's (a strangers!) opinion that you're slinging ad hominem attacks, maaaaaybe it's time to I dunno, do literally anything else?

Especially trying to get any response but laughter or blocking out of someone like me who has lived through so much that if I talk about even a fraction of it, people go all owl eyed and universally ask in a quiet, shocked tone 'how are you even alive?'

Legit can't stop laughing. 🤣

Update

So, I freely admit that I'm in a bad mood and broke my rule about feeding the trolls. I shall do my due internet denizen duty and block/report.

In all responsibility, while laughing at a troll can be a good tool, it risks escalation, and it's really better to simply block and report. They get their jollies by making people feel horrible. (I wasn’t laughing out of trying to feed a troll BTW. They legitimately shocked me into laughing. I wasn't in a good enough mood to hide my reaction.)

They've either deleted or hidden their responses to me. It's just a crying shame that screenshots are forever. Y'all might want to preemptively block. Up to you.

If they hadn’t been so utterly awful, I'd probably have let it slide. But this behavior is unacceptable in a society.

Transcript since it won't fit in alt text.

Lilithfairen

So you're just a raging asshole who can't stand people enjoying a game you didn't. You should let people know that when you follow them so anyone with common sense can block you the moment they see you around.

Masked responder

That's not what OP said lmao

Me

Oh, honey. You're precious (laugh emoji) Go try to gaslight and sea lion someone else. In your vast amounts of time where you're not being a dick to a stranger, perhaps you should consider brushing up on that 'reading comprehension' thing. I gather it's not your highest skill. Maybe put a few skill points in that.

Me replying to masked responder

Right? (Laugh emoji) Just posting on my own wall, about a Fandom problem that they very clearly demonstrated an excellent example of, and *I'm* the asshole. I'm laughing so fucking hard I'm almost crying.

lilithfairen

Oh, not gaslighting anyone. Because a quick check tells me you're a BG3 stan, which highlights why you don't like Veilguard and the people who enjoy it. Veilguard doesn't write queer people as sexual predator. Veilguard doesn't get off on victimizing non-white people or writing them as innately evil and savage. Veilguard doesn't write a storyline where a goddess is a prop to paint a white guy as awesome and smart and then written as a horrible bitch herself. You're a garbage shitstain of a person who can't stand Veilguard not being a game written for straight white manbaby sensibilities, because you think that's what good fiction is.

Me. Oh, do please keep responding (laugh emoji) you're amusing me and exposing your ignorance nicely. Have you considered therapy? It might help with that whole ... hatred of everyone who isn't me... thing, you have going on. I actually can't stop laughing at the loads of shit you're shoveling. I hope you're getting a decent wage for that. Shoveling shit is hard work.

I did say I wasn't in a good mood.

Anyway... because I'm me... pretty sure a lot of people who play Dragon Age games also play BG3. And liked both. It's not an either or. People can shockingly like both! While accepting that there's no such thing as a perfect game/book/movie/show/anything.

I know several people I'm on good terms with who absolutely loved Veilguard. I didn't, but it's not their problem. I don't make it their problem.

Veilguard doesn't write queer people well. Period. (I'm a queer AF author and editor.)

"Doesn't get off on victimizing non-white people or writing them as innately evil and savage." *blinks*. 'Who do we put across from Harding for a death choice. "Assan."' -John Epler (Not the whole Black man attached to the bloody griffin. The griffin.) That doesn't even get into what having the only Black male companion being part of that choice in the first place says. (Pssst. It's not good.)

Um... the Qunari have long been PoC coded and what they did to the Qunari in Veilguard is nothing short of writing them as innately evil and savage. Seriously? Truly shocked by that one. Taash's first romance scene is really problematic, too.

"A storyline where a goddess is a prop to paint a white guy as awesome?" Did they even play BG3? I've played it 5x and have no idea what they're on about there. And Vlakkith has always been a bitch. (I've been playing D&D since 2E. Is it problematic? Fuck yes.) I guess female and woman presumed people aren't allowed to be evil. Who knew?

Snorts. I'm not white, not a man, definitely not straight, and good fiction is my actual job.

As far as the ad hominem attacks. (Sad head shake) Dirthara-ma, da'len.

All that in response to this post of mine.

[imagine-that-fanfics]

Long day

Steve x reader fic

Woo this took me way too long to right lmao but here’s this, I might make a part 2 to this at some point, first Steve fic I’ve written but I have plenty of others in the works

Female reader, most of it is GN though just a few of the nicknames are fem but you could easily change them in your head, not completely proof read so apologise for any mistakes or bad writing lol

It had been a long day, and when you say 'a long day' you mean a really long fucking day. Luckily the day had finally came to an end and you were headed home, the rain was pouring down heavy, window wipers on full, you were about a half hour away from your house when suddenly all hell seemed to erupt from your engine, "no, no, no! don't do this to me now! wait until I'm home please!" you begged the car as if it would listen however it didn't and instead decided it had had enough and with one last sputter came to a halt. "fuck!" you groan and slump over resting your head against the steering wheel "can this day get any worse!?" you whine quietly to yourself

You’re not sure how much time passes but the rain doesn't seem to be letting up anytime soon so you finally decide to give up on waiting, just as you're about to turn to your back seat to grab your jacket a flash of headlights catch your eye, you sigh and hope that who ever it was would stop and help you out, you also hoped that whoever it was it wasn't some creep. The mystery car must have spotted you as it pulled over just behind yours. you're preparing yourself for whatever was to come, when suddenly there's a knock at your window, as you're winding it down your face drops as you realise just who had stopped to come to your rescue, a shit eating grin had crossed his face once he had recognised you 'spoke to soon' you thought to yourself "need a lift?" he asked almost smug, you glare at the boy "from you? I think I'll pass" you scoffed He shook his head and let out a small chuckle in disbelief "come on, its pouring down and it doesn't look like this old thing is gonna get you home anytime soon, so what do you say little lady? not like you got any other options, I doubt that anyone else will be coming this way at this time of night and definitely not in this weather." you send another glare his way "first, don't ever call me that and second I'd rather get drenched and walk home than spend any time in your company" he lets out another chuckle and shakes his head "aw come on sweetheart I ain't that bad" a smirk grows on his face as you scoff "I'd beg to differ" a small moment passes and you sigh not actually wanting to get home drenched in rain "alright fine, you can take me home" you finally gave in, reluctantly taking the keys out of your ignition and grabbing a few things you needed out of the car before getting out and quickly running and getting into his.

Steve follows behind and gets into the drivers seat laughing to himself as he throws his umbrella into the back seat. "what?" you grumble and he turns to face you once he's put his seatbelt on "you, you say you'd rather walk and get drenched and yet as soon as you're out your car you go running to mine" he smirks and you roll your eyes " whatever Harrington, just drive, the quicker we get going the sooner this will be over" Steve shakes his head, starts the car and pulls away "sheesh, I'm just teasing, loosen up a little would ya?" "not in the mood Harrington, so for the love of god for the rest of this journey keep quiet" you huff as you turn to face out the window you leaned your arm against the door and place your head in you hand as you watched the rain fall. Steve didn't respond and the drive is quiet, well for the first five minutes anyway, he had been giving you quick glances from time to time thinking of the best way to break the silence. eventually he cleared his throat and spoke "so, what were you doing all the way out here at this time for anyway?" you let out a small groan "none of your business Harrington!" "alright, alright, geez was just tryna make some conversation" you scoffed “didn’t I literally tell you to keep quiet though” there’s a short silence that feels like it was hours where you realised you had been a bit snippyer than you should’ve been you sigh before speaking up again “look it’s just been a long day okay, I do not have the energy to deal with all your “Steveness” okay” steve rolled his eyes at that before smirking “oh please you love all my “steveness” as you call it” “yeah just as much as I love dropping something heavy on my toes” you rolled your eyes “yeah you keep telling yourself that, but come on really, what’s got your panties all up in a twist?” You groan slightly “you’re not gonna shut up until I tell you huh?” Steve smirks “nope” “fine, if you must know I found my so called boyfriend was cheating on me this morning, I got into a stupid fight with my mom, my brother seems to be avoiding me for some unknown reason then all night I’ve had to deal with asshole customer and now my car breaks down in the middle of nowhere in the pouring rain and now I’m having to deal with you so there that’s what’s bothering me, happy now?” You let out a deep sigh and turn back to look out the window resting your head against your hand. “Sheesh… that sounds like a lot… sorry”. Those words shocked you to say the least, you never would have thought that THE Steve Harrington would feel bad for you never mind bad enough to apologise for something he didn’t need to apologise for, it annoyed you a little “I don’t need your pity Harrington, just get me home” Steve stayed silent after that not fully sure what to say which was unusual for him he noted.

The journey was filled mostly with silence with the faint sound of the radio on the background, Steve had been stealing quick glances at you not that you noticed too preoccupied with watching the trees pass. Steve deciding the silence was too unbearable cleared his throat before speaking “I’m sure he’s not” your face contorts into confusion as you turn to him “what?” “Dustin, I’m sure he’s not avoiding you, at least not intentionally” “why makes you say that?” Steve let’s out a chuckle “because that kid adores you dude, he never shuts up about how cool you are and how you’re definitely the best older sibling out of the group, always says he wishes you’d hang out with the group more like you used to” your face relaxes happy to hear that Dustin doesn’t hate you but your heart sinks when you hear that he wishes you were around more, Steve notices the look on your face change “shit sorry I didn’t… he fully understands that you’re busy with work and your own friends… he doesn’t hold it against you or anything he” you interrupt him “it’s fine Steve… you don’t need to…” you shake your head slightly knowing he was trying to make you feel a little better, you agreed that you were busy with work and with the people you called friends which if you really thought about it they weren’t really your friends more your exs’ but that was no excuse for not hanging with your brother and his friends at all, you loved those kids as if they were all your siblings, you let out a small sigh “what’s worse is that those guys weren’t really my friends, well I guess I’ll just have to make it up to Dustin and the party” you ran your hand through your hair in slight frustration, Steve gave you a soft understanding smile one that made your heart skip, what the hell was that? And what happened to Steve, this isn’t the Steve you knew, he seemed different, you knew he had been babysitting the kids a lot lately which shocked you at first but let it go, then of course there was Dustin who almost always went on about Steve and how awesome he was now but you couldn’t believe he had changed that much I mean, he was the biggest douche in school but there he was trying to make you feel better about the fact that you had basically ditched your brother and the party over some guy and his friends it was odd to say the least.

The car finally pulled into the Henderson household and you let out a slight sigh in relief which Steve heard and scoffed playfully “geez Henderson at least try and pretend you don’t hate me” your eyes widened slightly “n-no that’s not…I’m just glad to be home, I…” wait why were you trying to explain yourself? It shouldn’t matter what he thought but still a part of you didn’t want him to think you really hated him, sure you thought he was a dick but hates a strong word and you didn’t want him thinking that… why didn’t you want him to think that? You shook your head slightly Steve grinned at you playfully and your stomach flipped as you saw it,you quickly shook the feeling “uhm thanks for the ride” getting out of the car quickly and heading to your front door, Steve got out the car and leaned against it as he shouted your name, you turned looking at him in anticipation, Steve smiled “can’t wait to see you around more” he turned getting back into his car “oh and your boyfriend was an idiot” he said before driving off leaving you slightly stunned, your heart fluttering, what the hell was that? You thought to yourself before entering your house.

[merge-conflict]

and the seconddd

❛ begging is a good look for you. ❜ - for a pair of open graves :3

This one was extremely fun to write, thank you <3333 I'm too excited not to post it right away so if there are some spelling/grammar issues I missed I apologize. :3

Edit: Post with prompts here - feel free to send more! ^^

---

Johnny Silverhand didn’t get tied down, and if there were handcuffs he was always the one in charge. But if there was one advantage to being reduced to borrowing a new body every week it was that he didn’t really have a reputation to worry about. So it didn’t matter if he let V cuff him to the headboard to have her wicked way, especially since he knew he could count on her to take care of all the work.

Like right now, when she had her mouth wrapped around him, fingers digging into his thighs to keep him from accomplishing anything more than a half inch of freedom. He could maybe admit that there was something to the whole idea besides just throwing V a bone.

“Finally got what you wanted, huh?” he muttered, frustrated by the way she was teasing him with the tip of her tongue. “Having total fucking control.”

There was a glint in her eye that meant he’d stepped in one of her stupid pedantic traps, and he instantly regretted opening his mouth. Answering him meant stopping what she was doing, which she did with an awful smile, leaving him entirely untouched as she instead leaned in to kiss him. She took her sweet time settling in, spreading his legs a little wider as she put her weight down onto her elbows.

“And what do you want?” she asked, in the voice she used exclusively for headfuckery.

“What, ain’t it obvious?” He ground his hips against her. “Did you get hit in the head? Forget how this works?”

She rested her forehead against his. “Am I supposed to guess? What if what you want is to stay here like this while I go find someone else to fuck in front of you?”

“Do I get to pick who?” He asked, and then tried to stop her from moving before he remembered the cuffs. She was halfway off the bed before he could think of what to do. “Hey, it’s a joke!”

She paused, one hand still on the bed. Mercifully she wasn’t in one of her moods, although he didn’t like the faintly smug corpo bitch smile she had either. “What do you want, Johnny?”

“This some kind of game?”

“No.”

“Jesus, V–“ He pulled at the cuffs again, but she’d been so annoying about the promise to let him out whenever he wanted that he wasn’t going to let her hold that over him. And she was still looking at him like she wanted to get her hands back on him, so– “You know what I want, so why are you asking?”

“I want to hear you say it.”

“Say what?” He relaxed as she sat back down where he could hook his ankle around one of her knees. “That I want to fuck? Feels like you already got that memo, did you tie me down just to talk at me?”

V was on him in a heartbeat, like he’d known she would be, and if she still wasn’t really touching him at least he had the pressure of her hips. She also had her chrome hand around his throat, with just enough weight to make it hard to swallow. Her voice was low and soft. “I wanted to hear you say it.”

His cock twitched, involuntarily, and she looked so smug he could only just imagine how satisfying it would be to flip her over on her back and show her exactly what she wanted. “What I want is to see you riding my cock.”

“Are you sure?” She tilted her head.

“Pretty fucking sure, yeah.”

“Convince me,” she said, and then smiled in a way that got his heart pumping, like he’d got caught out in the open with someone holding a gun on him. Before he could recover she had her hand back down in between them, provoking him with the barest amount of attention.

“Fucking–“ His voice cut out under the brief press of her hand on his windpipe, and then in a sputter of frustration as she picked up the pace of her other hand. She was touching him so lightly it was like nothing at all, but the tempo was starting to unravel him anyway. “Christ, what do you want me to say? Fuck–“ There was the pressure again, that left him gasping a little, desperate for him to just fucking touch him. “You want me to say please?”

“I want to know what you want.”

“Fuck me,” he groaned, half curse half demand. “Please. Pretty please. Pretty fucking please with–“

He forgot whatever it was he had been about to say the moment he felt her shifting her weight, straddling one of his legs. She pressed her clit up against the head of his cock, rubbing gently against him until he found the angle to grind up against her, using her hand as a guide. Her mouth fell a little open, and he finally had the satisfaction of seeing her losing a bit of control. For a few moments he had her paralyzed just with that, a little friction he sorely wished he could feel in stereo.

“Fuck, V.”

She smiled again– this one genuine and a little embarrassed, which changed as she shifted again to line herself up to sink down on top of him. Somehow she managed to glide all the way down in one motion until he could feel the wet heat hit the base of his cock. He leaned his head back to savor the moment without having to look at her expression, and V released her grip on his throat, fingers tracing delicately along his neck and collarbone, responding to the grind of his hips with a clench strong enough to make his toes curl.

And finally, she walked back down on her elbows, mouth covering his as she started to move her hips in time with his own. “You know Johnny, I think begging is a good look for you.”

He exhaled into her mouth, kissing her softly. “Don’t get used to it.”

[nik-jr-lit]

Some other M. Paul x Lucy moments that literally had me laughing out loud (or smiling)

the time Rosine begged Lucy to go into M. Paul's class to deliver a message because he was in such a pissy mood and likes Lucy better so she goes in and gives the message that he's needed at the local college and he's all "that's nice but i'm not going" and she just pushes his hat towards his hand but oh no his glasses fall off the desk and literally both of the lenses bust and now she's actually scared but before she can even get an apology out of her mouth he hops up, says "well, what a little mischief maker! what a nefarious little englishwoman!! guess i'll have to go if you're going to threaten me like that! :-)", puts his hat on, and leaves.

later on that night when he comes to the school to read aloud to the pupils and teachers and he forgoes his normal spot to go sit next to Lucy (aw) and she moves to give him room but he says "no don't" but she scooches a little anyway and he immediately gets pissed and is all "oh so you want to treat me like an outcast?! you want distance?!! fine!" and he literally makes everyone else at the table get up and move to the other one and grabs Lucy's stuff and puts all of it on the other side of the table so it's just them at opposite ends and he says "happy?" and she's all "you were the one who wanted it like this..?" and he said "no! you were the one who did this!!" and then he reads a French translation of Shakespeare and Lucy is not at all hiding her disdain and he looks up and sees every single eyeroll and smirk and omfg he's getting so pissed but it's dinner time now and she's engrossed in making her watchguard and tbh she's feeling giddy and smug because making M. Paul so flustered and annoyed was fucking fun and she was enjoying it. he gets up without saying a word, strides towards the door, but turns back for his pencil case and...he puts his pencil in...takes it out...breaks the lead against the table...resharpens it...puts it in his pocket...and finally walks up to Lucy. he asks her what she's working on and she says she's making a watchguard for one of her gentleman friends and omg he's really mad now, i mean he's seriously fuming; he's saying she's impossible to be friends with and that he has never done anything wrong but she continues to regard him with passionate injustice and rebellion and she's all "what? :(" and he's, again, immediately apologizing and correcting himself and saying that she does have good qualities but if she'd quit flirting and caring so much for people whose only good quality was being tall and if she dressed more modestly then things would be better. a few moments pass and he's all, "did what i just said make you hate me? :(" but no, all is well and as he's going out the door he says "it's not that you don't look good in your clothes...it's just....nevermind, continue dressing as you do! goodnight!"

M. Paul's party day when Lucy didn't give him a gift and he asked "in really tragic tones" whether all the presents had been given because he wanted hers, only cared about a gift from her and she was starting to get that giddy feeling again from pissing him off, and she literally tells us as the reader that because he cared so much about whether she got him a gift, he fucking deserved to be fooled and get pissed and if that doesn't make you laugh i don't know what will. then he decides to make his party speech about how much England sucks and the things he says just get nastier and nastier until Lucy can't take it anymore, slams her hand on her desk, and says "long live England, fuck France!" and everyone in the room is gasping but M. Paul is hiding his grin behind his handkerchief because, yes, they both love riling the other up. he ends his speech by saying that he's going to take the whole class out to breakfast on the first day of spring and makes sure to say "only my friends are invited" and Lucy says "i won't be there!" and he says "fine!!"

omfg the fact that he was leaving goodies in her desk, correcting papers for her, and, when he's caught, he asks her earnestly whether she likes the things he leaves her.

how he accused Lucy of playing dumb, knowing Latin and Greek, and plagiarizing because she's a fast learner, but then he brags to his academic friends how smart she is <3

[chipped-chimera]

I am ... Idk man. I'm pissed. I'm sad. I'm angry. So the Green Neon Tetras I got absolutely came down with ich and there was so much fucking conflicting information out there ... well it delayed me treating it. Heck I was trying to just be sure I was seeing what I was seeing at first.

Anyway I've lost 3. I think it might be 4 this morning. By tomorrow I suspect it'll be two more. If any manage to scrape through it'll be down to 4. If I'm lucky.

Everyone else (Corycats, Starlight Bristlenose) are fine. Though the Corycats show some signs of being itchy, nothing's become visible and they were on the tank the day I started treatment. Yeah I know, quarantine tank yadda yadda. But considering a 100ml bottle of medication costs 40 bucks and I need to use it for 14 days minimum at 4.5 mL a day - no way was I doing two tanks. It's likely I'm going to run out soon and money is tight since this decided to happen right around me replacing my HDD.

I cried when the first one died. Now I just feel ... numb. My mood has been awful, which isn't looking great for my very expensive rTMS treatment - I'm literally at halfway today. I should have seen results. Instead I'm bouncing between hating myself and angry at everything else because information is so diluted and despite researching this tank for over three months straight, trying so goddamn hard not to fuck up - I fucked up. I know I shouldn't blame myself, but a part of me deep down does. Because maybe I was too stupid to realise on such tiny fish the situation was only going to get worse faster. Then I'm angry I feel stupid because the information isn't clear, or that I feel stupid for crying over a fish because that's what normal people think. I hate how everything is really affordable but then medicines are so prohibitive it'd be more cost effective to let them all fucking die. I hate how people regard fish as objects, decorations for their goddamn bathroom or some kind of 'investment' for rarer varieties, swimming in sterile tanks like their a goddamn floating gold bar - not a life. A living, breathing, thinking little life. That I let down. So yeah I'll fucking cry because no one else will.

This tank was supposed to be a source of relief while I went through this intense treatment but now it's just a trigger for me ruminating over and over. I worry with the tetra population so depleted it's going to cause them more stress making them more likely to die. I'm scared to do water changes, though I need to keep doing them.

I'm angry this parasite is so common it's considered to be encountered by anyone new to the hobby within 6 months, because it takes no prisoners - any kind of fish can get it. I'm angry research only revealed the possibility of a vaccine a few years ago, despite fish being the most owned pet globally. I'm angry the reputable, best aquarium shop in my entire city had tetra carrying this and there's jack shit I can do. I don't know whether to tell them or not even bother. Given the entire shop runs on what I suspect are the same sumps, it's likely everything has the risk.

Maybe I'm just stupid and this is all my fault.

I'll keep trying. I'll buy another 40 dollar bottle and treat them for the 14 days and aone more week just in case. I put too much work into this to give up.

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers West Coast #49: BAPTISM of FIRE

October, 1989

Aw, geez, the Avengers West Coast Avengers are so side-lined in their own book that the Great Lakes Avengers have taken over the roster box!

John Byrne must be really proud of coming up with the Great Lakes Avengers. They've only showed up in Avengers West Coast so far and been alluded to when Hawkeye showed up to the big Avengers meeting in Avengers East Coast. I wonder if they'll show up in the Avengers East Coast book or will just be a thing to happen in the West.

I do like the type of cover that's just 'wow, look at how many things happen in this book!' and it called me a true believer so I'm in a good mood right now.

Last times in Avengers West Coast: Vision got disassembled by every government in the world. Hank Pym put him back together but now his brain doesn't emotion. None of the Avengers seemed to care so Scarlet Witch took Vision to Absolom College when they offered to help. But it was really a trap, so ancient bacteria could oozefest Wanda and use her to learn how to take over mutants.

This is really dumb. And oddly will be an echoed plot point later when Morrison does the same thing and calls it Sublime.

Anyway.

Also, last time, Captain America and She-Hulk followed a Quinjet distress signal and tried to rescue Wanda. But ooze-possessed Wanda blew them the fuck up.

Glad they bothered to guest star.

Mr. Random, the Absolom College robot department head, congratulates Black Suit Wanda for beating "two of your most powerful former colleagues in less than thirty seconds!"

While that may be the case for She-Hulk, that's kinda overselling Captain America.

Ooze Wanda clarifies that She-Hulk and Cap hesitated to attack her because they probably thought they could talk her down "not realizing there can be no reasoning with That Which Endures."

A sentiment that Mr. Random can get behind.

Mr. Random: "We stand upon the treshold of the age of mutants like yourself, Wanda. For many years it seemed as though the fates -- in the form of a cruel, genetic quirk -- had chosen to bar us from that coming age. But now, with your assistance, the stage is set for our continued endurance. As mankind falls by the wayside, we shall ride the crest into the mutant millennium!"

Have I mentioned how weird it is when Marvel comics acts like its a natural, inevitable thing that mutants ARE homo superior and will supplant humanity? Cause that's the villain position but you see a lot of the heroic mutants echoing. Their main difference with the villains is willing to let humanity just wither and die on its own rather than being proactive about it.

It's also funny how on one hand everyone acts like The Mutant Millennium is inevitable but also most Dark Futures have something Bad happen to prevent that.

Anyway, these assholes sure talk a lot for people that are supposed to be a hivemind or whatever. I'm not entirely sure I understand how it works.

Meanwhile, the true heroes of the book, the Great Lakes Avengers.

They don't have a Quinjet or even a Quinjetta so they've had to take the next best option.

Buying a private airplane with Big Bertha's money and then have Hawkeye complain incessantly about how slow it is.

I was sympathetic with him when he was being underminded out of his team but I'm back to thinking Hawkeye is a jerk.

Big Bertha even points out that the Great Lakes Avengers don't have access to any of the super cool Avengers tech.

Hey, guy who has spent years with the Avengers, maybe pull some strings and get your new team hooked up with the good stuff?

Meanwhile, Mockingbird has the private plane pointed right in the direction of the Quinjet emergency signal but but but it was so faint they only got one reading. So they can't triangulate. So they're just flying in a direction but have no idea how far to fly in that direction. They don't even have a destination. Making Hawkeye complaining about how fast they're going even more of a jerkass move.

God I suddenly hate Hawkeye.

Mr Immortal snarks that they're on a wild goose chase because now that he's conscious again he can express opinions about Hawkeye taking over his team by putting quotation marks around the word "leader."

He's the Hawkeye of the team. The heroic starscream-lite who is always waiting in the wings to tell the leader he sucks and agitate to become leader instead.

Hawkeye: "Keep the sarcasm out of your voice, buster. You and this crew of oddballs you've assembled were nothing but bush league super heroes before me an' Mockingbird hooked up with you. Now, for the first time, here's a real chance to show the rest of the Avengers what you're made of... if we can ever find 'em!"

Okay. But. Before you took over, the Great Lakes Avengers fought crime. This really seems to be more about you, Hawkeye, wanting to show up the Avengers than about helping the Great Lakes Avengers be all they can be.

Meanwhile, the Avengers West Coast return to their compound following their own wild goose chase.

Wasp calls the trip fruitless but Hank goes NUH UH its good that we talked to Professor Horton so he could tell us what we already know about Vision not being his design and Vision's backstory flashback a lie.

Wonder Man is still a little confused on how everything has changed gears. It really did seem like all that stuff the Avengers learned about Vision's backstory was true. But Hank says it only seemed true to dumb idiots who are stupid.

Is Byrne mad that people don't like this new characterization direction for Vision? Why do we keep getting the same stuff re-stated.

It was annoying enough when Byrne upended Vision's character on authorial fiat but he keeps rubbing it in and being boring.

Even if I don't like this direction, surely there's a better way to handle it than words words words.

Say, for example, the Avengers (West Coast) found the robot Human Torch. Well, shit, what does that mean for Vision? His body was supposedly remodeled from the Human Torch. If there's a Torch still around, where the hell did Vision come from?

THEN you play the mystery out further.

Anyway. Another annoying subplot, ho.

While Hank goes ahead to go do some computer work

(and takes a little rollercoaster car to fast travel to the computer room)

Wasp stays to talk to Wonder Man.

Because he's still in the dumps about Wanda hating him because he refuses to let his brain patterns be used to rebuild Vision's brain.

Simon goes more into his feelings.

His creeper feelings.

He says that it was love at first sight when he came back from the dead and saw Wanda.

Wasp claims that because Wanda had been working on getting Vision to emotionally open up, that's why Wonder Man was so attracted to her. Because... Vision is just a copy of Wonder Man? So trying to appeal to Vision made her irresistible to Wonder Man?

I hate this ship.

I was begrudgingly tolerant of it when it happened in Busiek's run. But now I hate it. I want Wonder Man to blow up. Maybe from a space laser.

Ugh. Anyway. Wonder Man never mentioned his feelings for Wanda because she was already married to Vision.

Then Wasp claims that Wanda doesn't love Vision for his body but for the sensitive soul within and that inner man is actually Wonder Man because his brain is based off Wonder Man's QED Wonder Man should date Wanda.

Wasp: "So even though she didn't know it herself, it was you Wanda was really falling in love with..."

Wasp. You're my fave. But I am getting irritated with you.

Over in the computer room, Hank is also frustrated but for his own reasons. He wanted to do Vision research to try to iron out this riddlesome enigma about Vision's origins.

But the Every Government In the World taskforce Vigilance put a computer virus in the Avengers' computers to wipe out all information about Vision. So Hank has nothing but his own memories to go off of. So even though he said he had important work to do in the computer room, he's mostly just staring at a blank screen.

I know that feel.

Instead, Hank decides to try to figure out where Wanda went.

... Why wasn't that your first priority? She stole a super-sonic jet and vanished!

Hank starts by talking to the butler, Carlos, and asking if Wanda has acted strange lately.

Carlos confirms that Wanda has been distressed since what happened to Vision but her mood seemed to change after she got a letter recently.

But Interrupting Tigra interrupts the conversation by racing by naked. And also feral.

But not Feral. Just feral.

Hank has no idea what's going on but Carlos tells him that Tigra has been acting weird and chasing mice and stuff.

I am once again just flabbergasted by how little attention the West Coast Avengers are paying lately. Seriously. It took THIS for you to notice something was weird with Tigra?

Hank fears that she's going through another phase where her feline nature becomes dominant (even though that should have been permanently cured when something something cat people cat soul something). He chases after her into the woods.

Immediately loses track of her. And then gets pounced.

Idiot.

Tigra jumps Hank and starts trying to maul him.

Hank's costumes are usually pretty durable - his original Ant-Man costume was designed to protect him from ant bites, after all. But he's got a big weak point sticking out of the collar region.

So he resorts to using his shrinking powers on Tigra. Shrinking her to a tiny widdle kitty cat.

I HAVE WAITED FOR THIS MOMENT. Ever since Hank and Tigra casually alluded to it in Avengers Academy.

I hate every bit of context that led us here but I deeply love Hank just holding Chibi Tigra and going 'uh what now?'

Meanwhile, in a Absolom College holding cell, Captain America stops pretending to be unconscious.

He was apparently pretending the whole time, having used his shield to shield himself and She-Hulk from the falling masonry. He thought it smarter to let them get captured then to risk hurting Wanda when she's clearly not herself.

And She-Hulk followed his lead.

Except, she's clearly not on the same page as him. She hoists him up and yells he must be destroyed because he's not been properly assimilated!

Okay, I guess She-Hulk has been oozed too, off-panel. Or... something. She doesn't have the ooze look.

Captain America can't figure out why She-Hulk got taken over but he didn't. And he doesn't have time to really ponder on it while she's trying to make his skull into a bowl.

But luckily? he doesn't have to dodge long because Mr. Random comes in with a zap gun and zaps Captain America. They need him alive, you see?

Elsewhere in the facility, Vision gets bored.

He has no emotions but he's been left lying on a table alone for seven hours four minutes and twenty-three seconds exactly. Logic dictates that he get off his ass and go find out what's going on.

Vision: "This is inconsistent with the alleged purpose of my being here: the reconstruction of my missing data base. Plus, it has been even longer since I last saw my wife. Logic indicates it is time to find out what has become of her. Captain America and the She-Hulk seemed concerned for her well-being."

It's funny that the evil ooze's plans have otherwise been all "everything transpires according to my plans!" and they just forgot Vision.

Now that Vision is thinking about it, Mr. Random's claim that Wanda took off after leaving Vision doesn't really fit with her previous behavior.

Buuuuut, he has no reason to think Mr. Random would just lie about it! So he's going to go find Wanda.

Goddammit Vision. This is why emotions are good, actually!

Vision flies straight up from the facility and JUST HAPPENS to do so right when the Great Lakes Avengers are flying by in their plane. And they JUST HAPPEN to spot Vision so Hawkeye has Big Bertha turn the plane around to rendezvous with Vision.

Hawkeye introduces Vision to the Great Lakes Avengers and Vision says that Midwest Avengers would be a better name. So Hawkeye defensively says the name wasn't his idea.

Then Hawkeye asks about the Quinjet distress signal and Vision doesn't really know but Cap did mention something about that.

SPEAKING OF CAP, Mr. Random and his guys are studying Cap to find out why the evil bacteria can't take him over.

There's some factor in his bio-matrix that blocks the assimilator apparently.

She-Hulk speculates that it might be the super-soldier serum, still in his bloodstream after all this time. Chemically blocking the assimilator.

WHICH MAKES ME WONDER.

Why does super-soldier serum block the assimilator. And gamma radiation do nothing?

Because the evil bacteria is in every "higher life form", it should be in Cap so it should be able to take him over. But its apparently been completely eradicated from his system.

And I just have a lot of questions about how the evil bacteria works. If the evil bacteria is in everyone, why does it mostly seem to be operating out of this college. Instead of... everywhere?

Why come up with a scheme to kidnap Wanda when you can just bacterially zonk Hank Pym and expose Wanda to the ooze under guise of a medical procedure?

Why worry about Cap and She-Hulk investigating if you could just zonk them? Was the assimilator an outside compound that had to be introduced to allow She-Hulk to be taken over? She-Hulk is now loyal to the cause but she doesn't even know what the cause is. So if the evil bacteria is controlling everything, is everyone a hive mind? They're not acting like it. She-Hulk had to be told by Mr. Random not to kill Cap.

HOPEFULLY this all gets explained.

Wanda shows up, unoozed (or looking unoozed, wearing her usual costume) to exposit the hell out of the backstory.

Blah blah blah, first cellular life split in two. One was evil and ate the other one. From then on, all lief had the evil bacteria in it. The evil bacteria guided the evolution of dinosaurs and made them masters of the world until the evil bacteria made the (wrong) decision that dinosaurs were a dead end and abandoned them for mammals.

Scarlet Witch: "Without our presence to guide them, the dinosaurs quickly died out."

Okay, well, fuck the meteor theory then. What really caused the extinction of the dinosaurs was abandonment of evil bacteria.

She-Hulk asks if the evil bacteria is conscious and making decisions. And Mr. Random finally explains some of how it works.

Mr. Random: "While it is true a form of intelligence developed in us almost immediately... for the most part, that intelligence lay dormant. It was many millions of years before we learned to control the process Charles Darwin named 'natural selection.' Once that occurred, however, we began to take an active interest in our hosts. Once every hundred thousand years our intellect manifests itself in a few... ah... random creatures. We study the progress of life. We match the adaptability of one species against another. An assessment is made. Those life forms we judge to be at their maximum potential we abandon. Our presence within their cells shrinks, dwindling eventually to nothing. And our guiding intellect turns to other, more profitable species. After all, our whole and sole purpose is to endure. Thus, we left the dinosaurs in favor of concentrating on the mammals. There we further narrowed our focus to the ultimate mammal, mankind. When Neanderthal proved unsuitable, we shifted to Cro-Magnon."

And presumably on to homo sapiens and now to homo superior.

This whole thing feels like Byrne got really interested in some junk science and wanted to shove it in the book. Like Kirby and his Chariots of the Gods obsession.

Before Mr. Random can further words words words, "Avengers" show up and assemble.

Mockingbird starts kicking college students in the face while Flatman wraps them up in his fantastically stretchy body. And Vision does that fisting thing he does.

Based on one entire page of action, Vision declares the Great Lakes Avengers "most efficient." So I guess that training was worth it.

Possessed She-Hulk tries smashing Big Bertha with a giant techno tube but she's got Blob-esque ability to absorb hits. And in response, she jumps up and crushes She-Hulk underneath her.

I bet She-Hulk is really glad she did this guest starring role now.

Doorman and Mr Immortal spot a big locked chamber that seems really important. In fact, the college student mooks are trying really hard to keep the Great Lakes Avengers away from it.

So obviously, Doorman and Mr Immortal want to see what's in there.

Doorman stands against the big locked door, forming a portal, and Mr Immortal dives through him.

And inside he finds the Assimilator. Apparently not a drug or an ooze, apparently a big piece of tech.

A big piece of tech that creates the telepathic link between all the people infested with evil bacteria. And if its busted, the evil bacteria's plans will be delayed for a hundred millennia.

So, seems like a good idea to bust it and save the day, right? Bad guys just exposed their flashing red weak point and begged the hero not to strike them in it and thwart them totally.

Well, Mr Random thought of that. The Assimilator is protected by a chamber that will flood with deadly radiation if anyone steps inside.

But no sooner can you say, "this looks like a job for Aquaman," Mr Immortal gleefully jumps into the death chamber. When a plot presents you with something tailor made to your skills, you gotta seize the day.

Mr Immortal: "All you're threatening me with is death! An' dyin' is what I do best!"

The mad lad.

Back over at the fight, She-Hulk throws Big Bertha off of her and readies a punching fist. But then suddenly is overcome by a sense of not knowing where the fuck she is or why she's doing what the fuck she's doing.

And it's not just She-Hulk. All the college people that were working for Big Bacteria suddenly start wandering around in a daze.

Mr Random himself has no idea why Vision is calling him Mr Random. His name is Charles Edison.

... Why did bacteria possessed Charles Edison change his name to Mr Random? What's the sense in that?

Anyway, Mr Edison tells the Avengers that there's a dude of theirs dead in the radiation chamber.

But despite the eulogizing the poor, deceased Mr Immortal, Hawkeye just opens up the radiation chamber (the radiation is off now although you'd think the chamber itself would still be radioactive?) and has Flatman scoop Mr Immortal up (you'd think that Mr Immortal would be radioactive?) without touching the pressure sensored flooring.

Since Mr Immortal is dead as a doornail, Big Bertha estimates he'll be back up in approximately ten minutes.

It's fun to have a dude whose power is "doesn't die" so the team can throw him at all the death traps.

Hey, now that the action is done. I have to comment.

Byrne still keeps Wanda from doing... anything.

Post-hypnotic suggestion kept her from fighting Fake Ultron. And then she was too paralyzed by feelings to fight Beserk Vision. And then Mr Random sprung a trap on her faster than she could react two issues ago. And, sure, she fought Cap and She-Hulk but it was revealed that they threw the fight and weren't even hurt. And now when the big Great Lakes Avengers rescue showed up, Scarlet Witch didn't fight any of them. She just hung around with Mr Random.

It keeps happening.

Byrne doesn't seem to want her to contribute to action scenes.

Also, as the Great Lakes Avengers first Avengers level mission where they held their own and showed their stuff... It was okay.

They showed up on page 16 out of 23 on unlimited. They basically all got to do one thing to show their stuff. The issue is titled Baptism of Fire, which I assume is referring to the Great Lakes Avengers entering the Big Times but, yeah. They got a couple pages at the end of a complicated plot and happened to find the Resolve Story button.

I'm so far not impressed with how Byrne is balancing three teams in his two interconnected team books.

Anyway, Hawkeye declares that due to bacterial possession, nobody is getting arrested for any of this.

I suspect that he doesn't really want to untangle the situation.

Charles Edison: "... Thank you for that, at least, Hawkeye. It's bad enough to realize I've lost half a lifetime and every penny I own to this thing, without having to face a jail sentence as well."

Vision explains (how does he know???) that the evil bacteria awoke in him and took over his brain. It compelled him to use his family fortune to buy Absolom University and use it as evil bacteria HQ. Also, it apparently compelled him to change his name to Mr Random.

Then, Mr Random gathered together a few hundred other people that the evil bacteria had also awoken in and they all donated DNA to build the assimilator, which I guess let them awaken other people's evil bacteria and create a telepathic link between each other.

Hence why the evil bacteria people were always verbally discussing things and weren't always on the same page.

This plot is dumb.

I understand the mechanics of it all better now. In a last page exposition dump kind of way. But its dumb.

The Evil Bacteria were supposed to be influencing evolution but it seems most of them were doing a snooze. And they needed a big technological thing despite not needing it when they ruled the dinosaurs.

This has been a stupid ass plot.

I'm pretty the last bit of it is why the plot even exists and why I think its because Byrne got enamored with junk science.

Scarlet Witch: "But... Vision... it's all so... frightening... The memories the Assimilator placed inside me... I still have them... Can it be the dinosaurs died because That Which Endures left? And if it someday leaves mankind for the mutants, as it planned..." Vision: "I am not properly programmed to consider such philosophical matters, Wanda..." Captain America: "Maybe not... but I have something to say... I don't know how much of what we've learned today I'm really prepared to accept... Maybe it's all true. Maybe without That Which Endures mankind would still be squatting in the caves, afraid of the dark, of the thunder and lightning. But I like to think there's something more to humanity than just a few pounds of flesh and bone. Something deep inside that sets us apart in the scheme of things. I hope that's true. And I hope no part of it was due to That Which Endures. For if it is... if we are no more than vehicles for this parasite... When a day comes that the Survivor does finally depart... We're going to find ourselves very much alone..."

Meh.

Also, I'm sure its fine that evil bacteria stuffed Wanda's head full of mutant superiority rhetoric and that she still has those memories at the end of this.

I'm sure that's just fine.

Follow @essential-avengers because everything is going to fine forever and nothing will be blisteringly stupid in this book ever. Like, comment, reblog, give me attention. I'm lonely. Just kidding, I've got a cat curled up against my arm as I type this. I live a good life.

[ghosttownwherenoonegoes]

I don't have the energy to message people individually so here is the vent I sent to @munsons-maiden.

I'm tagging people who asked or people I wanna tell - @fandomohana @thefreak0fhawkinshigh @rosesloveletters @darklylucid🫂💗🫂💗

HERE IS WHY TODAY CAN GO DEEP THROAT A CACTUS.

Okay so first of all, I got into work today knowing I would have to do a raffle, but I was told that it would be from 2pm, meaning I had the majority of my shift to do my normal workload. It would be a tight squeeze but it was doable. BUT I GOT THERE AND FOUND OUT THAT I HAD TO DO THE WHOLE THREE HOURS 11AM-230PM, MEANING I ONLY HAD THREE HOURS FROM 8AM TO 11AM TO DO AN ENTIRE SHIFT OF WORK WITH NO HELP, WHILE ALSO HELPING THE OTHER PERSON DO THEIR WORK TOO BECAUSE THEY'RE A TRAINEE!!!!

So that had me on edge almost as soon as I clocked in, and then I saw a dead bumblebee on the ground and just immediately burst into tears. I love bumblebees, just as much as I love cats and snakes and sharks, and it just totally set me off. I'm really sensitive about animal harm/death ANYWAY, I can't watch a horror film if it has it in it, and all I could say to a coworker was "there's a - thing - and it - dead, can't - " and then I was gone; I was sobbing for about twenty minutes and then crying on and off for about forty minutes after that, while doing my normal work, I was just letting myself cry. People were so so sweet and kept asking if I was okay and I'd tell them what was wrong and that would set me off all over again. So I'm going between my work and my co-workers because we only had three hours to do all of our work which normally takes an entire shift, because we had to do the raffle at 2pm (it was a summer fete at our care home today).

And I was nervous about that because I have severe generalised anxiety (I scored 21 out of 21 on the GAD test💀) and I cannot do crowds of people; our care home is always busy when we do events and last year during the summer fete I had multiple anxiety attacks; I did my shift while darting upstairs every now and then to cry and pull myself together. People at work KNOW I am severely anxious but my work senior, who wasn't there today, volunteered me to do the raffle a) without asking me first and b) knowing I don't like crowds, am an introvert and very anxious and c) asked last year not to be made to do the summer fete this year, and between all of this, the call bells constantly going off, the doorbell ringing with people coming in, running around with drinks orders for coworkers while also trying to do my own work in time and help out my coworker, I was overstimulated by 11am and the day just didn't get any better.

I have been itchy, ANGRY, bad mood-y, everyone get the FUCK away from me all shift, while also having to smile and do the raffle and occasionally go off to finish something I couldn't do in those three hours before the raffle, I didn't get any break because we were too fucking busy so I couldn't even sneak a look at Eddie or sneak an Ozzy song to help me pull through, the music was shitty and too loud, people were too close and there were too many of them, I don't like crowds or people or being expected to deal with things like this, and I was honestly in such an awful mood and yeah, to an extent I took it out on my coworkers, one of them brought me a coffee because "you're getting bitey" and they weren't being mean about how dead my tone was but I felt so guilty so that didn't help and then when it got time to do the actual raffle, neither me nor my coworker knew how to do a raffle so I was totally flying blind and that didn't help the anxiety so I was just following vague instructions from people who DO know how to do it and the whole fucking shift was a fucking MESS and then when it got time to get changed to go home, I GOT ASKED TO HELP CLEAN SOMETHING UP AND PUT THINGS AWAY SO I ENDED UP DOING OVERTIME WHEN I HAVE ALREADY DONE OVERTIME THIS WEEK AND JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MY JOB IS TAKING TOO MUCH FROM ME EVERY DAY.

It's a good thing I'm not at uni at the moment, the weather is so hot and my job is so physically intense with every shift being between 26 - 28,000 steps AS WELL AS IT BEING EMOTIONALLY INTENSE so all I have the energy for when I get home is to take care of my body and then collapse into bed to watch horror films. I haven't 'seen' Eddie or read a fic or ANYTHING for almost a week because I'm just so tired and I miss Eddie and I just... I just want Eddie. I'm overstimulated STILL almost four hours after my shift ended, I want to cry, I'm angry and pent up and frustrated and I'm working now until Wednesday; that's my next day off and I just KNOW tomorrow and all the other days are gonna be this demanding and my job is too fucking much but in this economy, I'm lucky to even HAVE a job and hhhhhhhhhh I just want Eddie and I want Uncle Wayne, too.

I don't know how to calm myself down, it feels like my skin is on fire with itches and it's hot outside and I.... I'm just really REALLY tired. I want Eddie. But also, I wouldn't want him to see me like this, at my worst. This isn't the Eri I'd want him to see. My job is eating me alive.💔

Every shift is like this, it's relentless, there's no let up, and I feel so inadequate and like I'm not enough to deal with this. I'm so tired.

[gruesomejack]

"Hi, Harlan."

Rabbit peeked up from his lunch and offered a flash of a smile. He'd been up all morning installing a fence for his neighbor's goats. Six hours later, he was finally done and taking a well-deserved break at the local diner. The plate in front of him was stacked high with French toast and bacon; a cup of black coffee sitting at the side. He was dirty and sweaty and smelled like barnyard critters, but it seemed that wasn't enough to ward off his visitor. "How's it going?" He asked through a mouthful of food, "The fence break already?"

It was neighbor's daughter. She was a pretty thing, maybe in her early twenties. Rabbit wasn't interested in her, but he could take a step back to understand why someone would be. With her brown skin and long curls, she gave off a sort of warm kindness that was hard to miss.

"Nope, but you forgot your money." She said and slid into the other side of the booth. Placing an envelope on the table, she watched Rabbit lick the syrup from his fingers before picking it up. She smiled. "You know, if you stuck around, I would've fed you. I can make bacon and French toast as good as anyone else."

Rabbit hummed, shoving the envelope in the front of his overalls. "I'm sure you can, Danny. I like it here-- And I'm sure you're tired of seeing my face." He said and shoveled another forkful of food in his mouth, returning her smile. "I feel like I'm at your house once a week to fix things. At least. Anytime my phone rings, I know it's your father."

Not a chance. Watching Harlan work around their farm was the best thing to happen to her in years. The man was a literal giant and built like a fridge. -- Not to mention he was stupid handsome. Danielle waved him off and propped her elbows on the table, her smile spreading. "Have I ever thanked you for that?" She asked, her brown eyes soft. "You're good to him and I... really appreciate it. He's still a homebody, but now that you're around, he at least has someone he talks to."

Rabbit shrugged and sipped his coffee. "He's good to me too. You both are."

Danielle pressed her lips together and hesitated. In the four years he'd been around, she'd never seen him with a lady. And, if she was being honest, she was starting to hope maybe he was waiting for her to approach him. Harlan was so sweet to her and her father; it only seemed right to try and get closer to him. "Maybe... I can cook for you, huh?" She offered, "What about dinner? This Sunday?"

Rabbit started to nod and set his mug down, his brows knitting. "I was gonna come over this weekend anyway. Your dad asked me to help fix the deck and gotta do some measurements-"

"No! I mean- Yes, but I was thinking..." Face warming, she tucked a dark curl behind her ear and smiled. "Like you and I? A date."

Rabbit's eyes widened. For a moment, he just stared at her. "Oh... Danny." He stuttered a little and reddened, his ears pink under the cap on his head. "Fuck. Uh-... N-No." He managed and frowned, "Sorry. I-I can't."

The smile on the young woman's face dropped for a second, but she did her best to put it back on to hide her disappointment. "I knew it. You already have someone, right?" She asked, "Sorry, Harlan."

Chewing the inside of his cheek, Rabbit leaned back in his seat and sighed. "Sort of." He said, "I'm uh... I'm widowed. I-I don't-"

"Oh! Oh, Harlan! Why didn't you say so? I'm so sorry!"

Rabbit lifted his hands and waved them, his face deep red. "Don't worry about it. I'm just... not ready to move on." He told her and offered a bittersweet smile.

Danielle still frowned, but nodded in understanding. "You should come for dinner anyway. With dad too." She said, "I feel so awful. How... How long?"

Glancing away, he picked a little at a piece of chipped vinyl on the table. "...Almost five years. Moved up here right after."

Danny let out a breath and leaned back, "Damn. And here I thought I'd get some free labor out of you." She said, trying to lighten the mood. "If I tied you down, we wouldn't have to pay you anymore."

Rabbit's eyes darted back to her before an amused grin pulled across his cheeks. "Don't feel too bad. It wouldn't have worked out anyway." He said, watching cock a brow. "Too old for you."

[lovecolibri]

SaL anon here bestie and *deep sigh* here we are...again. Not to get off topic but have you ever seem The Green Mile?? I have a complicated relationship with that movie but I the thing from it permanently imprinted on my brain is when the warden comes in demands "What in the Blue Fuck was That!?" It a whole ass mood right now after watching that clip and I highly recommend just watching that line to get the full effect.

Why, for the love of God, are we bringing up Shannon again??!! She didn't even really come up during Eddie's PTSD arc but we're just gonna randomly insert her in a episode sort of about death?? Of course we are because KR has literally no new ideas. Oh except for this season where she's like "You know what hasn't been done yet?? We haven't emphasized importance of family by blood so we'll redeem all the horrible parents with zero effort to let everyone know your grudges are petty and just hurt you." You know why that hasn't been done Kristen??!! Because this is a show about FOUND family, realizing your importance and worth in a space that's safe for you to do that, and having the support you need when the bad times come!! She has actually forgotten the very foundation of this show and I'd scream but I'm also so, so tired. You know what time it is then 🍸🍸🍸. Gonna read comfort fic and find a comfort show to put on when that gets hard. Cheers friend!!

Bestieeeee! What. The fuck. Is happening?! I didn't answer this Friday and I should have because yesterday was a WHOLE other mess! I feel so bad for dragging you into this show just in time for it to all go to shit. We survived RNM, we don't deserve to suffer like this again! 😩😩😩

Your "KR has literally no new ideas" line is SO apt after that clip yesterday literally recycling the eddieana meeting. Parallels can be used and be effective but after she literally just re-did Buck's fight with Bobby over returning to work with Eddie (only to not show their apology or Eddie's decision to return to work on screen), and re-did Eddie's "it's time to get back out there after Shannon and figure out what you want") s4 arc last week, this "Buck meets a girl on a call in the exact same way Eddie met Ana" just looks...so so so lazy. Not to mention Buck and Eddie are only ever with women after they meet them on calls, AND we are reverting Buck back to season 1 "a relationship with THIS women must be able to fix me" which is just...gross. Buck was always one of my favorite characters but GOD I dread his personal scenes now because KR just doesn't know what to do with him unless it's trying to get into his pants in some way and she doesn't understand any of the motivations or what drives him as a character. Stop ruining my boy!! GOD I need her off this show like, YESTERDAY.

ANYWAY

This whole Shannon thing has me so 🙄🙄🙄 because as good as Ryan and Gavin are and Eddie/Chris scenes always are because they play so well off each other, this is like, the LEAST interesting thing they could have done and it's clearly not about Chris or Eddie or their complicated history with Shannon, it's just being used to push the "Eddie choosing someone to date for himself" idea. They could have given something deep and emotional this season like Chris now being old enough to start asking harder questions about Shannon leaving and Eddie trying to navigate that with him, or having a talk about Chris starting to be interested in dating and asking Eddie some hard questions about why Eddie isn't dating again since Ana has been gone for so long. But nope! It's "let's pretend this parent never did anything awful and there are zero complex feelings about them" hours once again. Thanks, I HATE it. And for me it ruins the nuance of Shannon's character because she WAS just a person who was struggling. But where Eddie thought his son didn't need *him* so much as he needed Eddie to provide for him and once he found out Chris just wanted to spend time WITH him he fought tooth and nail to make it work no matter how hard, Shannon decided it was too much and cut off all contact because keeping in touch with her son and making sure he knew he was loved wasn't as important as her not wanting to be put in an awkward position. And that's life! And Chris and Eddie should be allowed to acknowledge that they loved her at some point, Chris should be allowed to have good memories of his mom, and still be allowed to acknowledge that she abandoned them and hurt them deeply and there are complex feelings around that!

These complex parental relationships leading to the found family of the 118 has ALWAYS been at the heart of the show and you're right that KR has NEVER understood that and has spent this season undermining that bond across the whole team and any time the story tries to emphasize the found family it's also still pushing the blood family importance so the storytelling comes out confused and in opposition to itself giving the audience emotional whiplash. I'm just so very very tired of this. I'm positive it's too much to hope for but with audiences tuning out and the constant complaints at how the show is handling arcs and pacing and KR's choices, and even now articles by people who often write about 911 calling out the inconsistencies, maybe the negotiations for renewal will come with some stipulations on who gets to be in charge. Even if I didn't love EVERY storyline choice in the early seasons, the episodes themselves were ALWAYS enjoyable overall and there was so much good stuff going on it was easy to let the stuff I didn't like as much roll past, so it would be good to get back to that sort of vibe again and KR has proved over several seasons that she is NOT up to that task. With the Tarlos wedding wrapped up, we might get...I don't want to say "lucky" because I don't think Tim is the greatest thing ever, but we might get some bit of pacing and consistency and flow back in the show (I know LS has some pacing issues as well but that feels to me more like them having to work around RL's insistence on centricity than anything else)

Oof. Lets see if we can make it through these last few episodes with this dating nonsense, the sperm donor arc and L coming back, and maybe even a Tay Kay jumpscare. Can't wait 🙄 At least Ravi is back home and the finale emergency looks like it will be good and we're getting injured Chim so we're going to get *some* crumbs out of this mess. And then it will be summer and I've got a fic idea started soooo, we'll see if I can get anywhere with my astronaut!Buck, NASA medic!Eddie Countdowns inspired thingy. Cheers my friend, we are going to NEED IT. (But hey, if we survived RNM, we can do ANYTHING. But also we shouldn't have to and I need this show to STOP IT.) 🍹🍹🍹🍹🍹🍹🍹

[munsons-maiden]

Kiki!! I am here to vent about today!! You don't have to reply if you don't want to! Thank you for letting me vent to you.🫂

Okay so first of all, I got into work today knowing I would have to do a raffle, but I was told that it would be from 2pm, meaning I had the majority of my shift to do my normal workload. It would be a tight squeeze but it was doable. BUT I GOT THERE AND FOUND OUT THAT I HAD TO DO THE WHOLE THREE HOURS 11AM-230PM, MEANING I ONLY HAD THREE HOURS FROM 8AM TO 11AM TO DO AN ENTIRE SHIFT OF WORK WITH NO HELP, WHILE ALSO HELPING THE OTHER PERSON DO THEIR WORK TOO BECAUSE THEY'RE A TRAINEE!!!!

So that had me on edge almost as soon as I clocked in, and then I saw a dead bumblebee on the ground and just immediately burst into tears. I love bumblebees, just as much as I love cats and snakes and sharks, and it just totally set me off. I'm really sensitive about animal harm/death ANYWAY, I can't watch a horror film if it has it in it, and all I could say to a coworker was "there's a - thing - and it - dead, can't - " and then I was gone; I was sobbing for about twenty minutes and then crying on and off for about forty minutes after that, while doing my normal work, I was just letting myself cry. People were so so sweet and kept asking if I was okay and I'd tell them what was wrong and that would set me off all over again. So I'm going between my work and my co-workers because we only had three hours to do all of our work which normally takes an entire shift, because we had to do the raffle at 2pm (it was a summer fete at our care home today).

And I was nervous about that because I have severe generalised anxiety (I scored 21 out of 21 on the GAD test💀) and I cannot do crowds of people; our care home is always busy when we do events and last year during the summer fete I had multiple anxiety attacks; I did my shift while darting upstairs every now and then to cry and pull myself together. People at work KNOW I am severely anxious but my work senior, who wasn't there today, volunteered me to do the raffle a) without asking me first and b) knowing I don't like crowds, am an introvert and very anxious and c) asked last year not to be made to do the summer fete this year, and between all of this, the call bells constantly going off, the doorbell ringing with people coming in, running around with drinks orders for coworkers while also trying to do my own work in time and help out my coworker, I was overstimulated by 11am and the day just didn't get any better.

I have been itchy, ANGRY, bad mood-y, everyone get the FUCK away from me all shift, while also having to smile and do the raffle and occasionally go off to finish something I couldn't do in those three hours before the raffle, I didn't get any break because we were too fucking busy so I couldn't even sneak a look at Eddie or sneak an Ozzy song to help me pull through, the music was shitty and too loud, people were too close and there were too many of them, I don't like crowds or people or being expected to deal with things like this, and I was honestly in such an awful mood and yeah, to an extent I took it out on my coworkers, one of them brought me a coffee because "you're getting bitey" and they weren't being mean about how dead my tone was but I felt so guilty so that didn't help and then when it got time to do the actual raffle, neither me nor my coworker knew how to do a raffle so I was totally flying blind and that didn't help the anxiety so I was just following vague instructions from people who DO know how to do it and the whole fucking shift was a fucking MESS and then when it got time to get changed to go home, I GOT ASKED TO HELP CLEAN SOMETHING UP AND PUT THINGS AWAY SO I ENDED UP DOING OVERTIME WHEN I HAVE ALREADY DONE OVERTIME THIS WEEK AND JESUS FUCKING CHRIST KIKI MY JOB IS TAKING TOO MUCH FROM ME EVERY DAY.

It's a good thing I'm not at uni at the moment, the weather is so hot and my job is so physically intense with every shift being between 26 - 28,000 steps AS WELL AS IT BEING EMOTIONALLY INTENSE so all I have the energy for when I get home is to take care of my body and then collapse into bed to watch horror films. I haven't 'seen' Eddie or read a fic or ANYTHING for almost a week because I'm just so tired and I miss Eddie and I just... I just want Eddie. I'm overstimulated STILL almost four hours after my shift ended, I want to cry, I'm angry and pent up and frustrated and I'm working now until Wednesday; that's my next day off and I just KNOW tomorrow and all the other days are gonna be this demanding and my job is too fucking much but in this economy, I'm lucky to even HAVE a job and hhhhhhhhhh I just want Eddie and I want Uncle Wayne, too.

I don't know how to calm myself down, it feels like my skin is on fire with itches and it's hot outside and I.... I'm just really REALLY tired, Kiki. I want Eddie. But also, I wouldn't want him to see me like this, at my worst. This isn't the Eri I'd want him to see. My job is eating me alive.💔

Fucking Hell, this sounds like a fucking nightmare of a day.

I'm so so so sorry you've been going through all this shit today, and I'm so FUCKING ANGRY on your behalf. I've volunteered in a hospital for a year so I know what it feels like to do everything everywhere all the time all at once while never catching a break and I have so much respect for you for going through with this. And as a fellow gal with anxienty disorders (they're, like, our matching friendship bracelets or some shit😂) I can absolutely understand the horror of this day. Jesus H Christ.

I'm gonna run your work senior over with my car. If I take the ferry I can be there before your next shift starts 😂 But seriously, I'm sorry you've had to deal with this shit. And I hope you know Eddie, Wayne, AND me are proud of you 🖤 I'm sending you the biggest hug ever (just without a gif this time because my wifi is a bitch today) 🖤

[pavlovianfuckery]

the mental reset button is in the ass, right?

A/N: Re-uploading all my fics after having a slight mental breakdown and deleting everything, bone apple tea and all that anyway

AO3

now with a part 2

The Master-masterlist

Fandom Masterlist

Summary: If you can't figure it out from the title I don't know what to tell you

Pairing: Blaine DeBeers/F!Reader

Notes: pegging, fingering, rimming, some light choking, no use of y/n

Length: 7700~ words

Can I come over?

You frown at the screen. The text is, for lack of a better word, strange. Maybe not in itself, but he always prefers you coming to him, both for what you presume are egotistical reasons and because he's made his thoughts on your shitty little apartment pretty clear. Since you'd perhaps foolishly offered him a key, it's not like he really has to ask, and even if he didn't have it he'd no doubt manage to get in anyway if he wanted to. Yet there it is, and you're not quite sure how to respond. It's pretty early yet, only afternoon, but you suppose it'd give you something to look forward to.

Tonight?

His reply is nearly instant.

Right now.

That's new. You end up typing and erasing a few different things before settling on a simple:

Sure

Perhaps not the most eloquent, but it's not like you're going to tell him 'no', not when he's got your curiosity piqued.

⁂

Something is…off. You can't quite put your finger on what's going on just yet, but it's there. He's not in a bad mood, not precisely, but there's something. For starters, you suspect that he's a bit tipsy. A few months ago you probably wouldn't have noticed it but by now you know him well enough to be able to tell, and he's definitely had a drink or two. And then there's the fidgeting. Of course he's acting as flirtatious as usual but it's almost a bit over the top today, and he's clearly banking on you not commenting on it, but you notice that, too. For a while you play along, but eventually you can't do it anymore.

"Alright, spill."

He frowns at you from the corner of the couch, distractedly spinning one of his bracelets around on his wrist.

"What exactly am I supposed to," he takes a break from fiddling to do little air quotes, "'spill'?"

"Don't get cute with me, it's not going to work." You give him an annoyed look, because this is already getting old. "There's clearly something going on with you today, I can tell."

"You really think I'm cute?" When that little quip doesn't work, he has the gall to roll his eyes at you. "Nothing's going on."

"Are you high or something?"

"Not on drugs, doll, so you can relax." he wraps his arms around himself and shakes his head, not quite meeting your eyes. "Got to say, love how that's where your mind goes."

"So what, then?" As he opens his mouth to respond, you cut him off. "And don't say 'nothing' again, I'm not dumb."

"Even if it's got nothing to do with you?" Why is he so defensive?

"And if it does?" You shoot back, starting to get a bit ticked off. Why does this feel as if it's turning into a fight? Shit. "Look, if it's something you don't want to tell me, I'm not going to fucking argue with you. Just..." you sigh, hesitating as you bite your lip, "you're kind of freaking me out a little right now."

"Aw, don't tell me you're worried about little old me?" He's so quick with it, always deflecting, hiding behind that smart mouth of his. You can't deny that it stings a bit that he evidently still thinks that he has to do that with you. Even though he obviously doesn't return your feelings, you wish he'd at least know that he doesn't need to. He shrugs, tapping his fingers against his side. "Fine. Let's just say that my dinner doesn't quite agree with me."

"You're not going to puke, are you?" You wrinkle your nose at him. It's silly and definitely childish, but the incredulous expression on his face is worth it.

"What kind of question-" For a moment you worry that maybe you've pissed him off, but then some of the tension drains from his shoulders and he shakes his head, barest hint of a smile on his lips. "No, nothing like that." He shrugs and rather than volunteering anything else he flicks his eyes away. When the penny drops, you can't help but feel a little stupid. Right. That kind of 'doesn't agree with'.

"So..." Shimmying across the couch with a grin you lean in and close some of the distance, but not quite invading his personal space yet. "Is it something terribly embarrassing?"

"...No. Just drop it, will you?" And that doesn't sound anywhere near as convincing as he was probably going for.

"You're no fun." With a small pout you run your toes up the back of his calf, making him uncross his legs. "Can't you be a good boy for once and just tell me?"

"What makes you think it's any of your damn business?" There's no real heat there though, so he's definitely more embarrassed than pissed off.

"Well, you're here, aren't you? Kind of makes it look as if you want it to be." When he doesn't deny it, you move a fraction closer. "I'm not going to kiss and tell." You watch as he blinks slowly, once, then twice. So he's at least considering it. Besides, he hasn't got up and left, so it can't be that bad. Keeping your touch gentle, you slide a hand up over his shoulder. Instead of pushing you away he leans into it as you ruffle the soft curls at the back of his neck, letting his eyes slide shut for a few seconds.

"You're adorable when you're all shy."

"Not shy, doll." But his eyes remain stubbornly closed, so you're not sure who he's trying to convince, here.

"Oh, so you just really felt like playing twenty questions today, then?" Maybe you shouldn't tease him like this, but it's hardly your fault that he's making it so easy. "Or is this your idea of foreplay?"

"You're not letting this go, are you?" His voice is a bit gruff and he's still not looking at you, but with the way he's slowly relaxing under your hand, it doesn't feel as if he really wants you to.

"Tell me to stop, then." And then you wait. And wait. The moment stretches on for what feels like forever before he sighs, tenses up.

"I keep thinking about..." He trails off, then takes a few deep breaths, fidgeting again. And then, quietly, in a quick little rush of air; "I want you to fuck me."

"That's it?" Despite the words making want pool like hot lead in the pit of your stomach, you can't keep from letting out a little giggle. "I'm almost disappointed." He frowns, shrugging you off as he pulls away.

"Hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Guess I was expecting something a bit more off the wall than, well…that." That doesn't really seem to help. "Just saying, since getting it out of you was a bit like pulling teeth, I was half expecting it to be, I don't know, you wanting to dress up like a cow and have me play milkmaid, or something." That gets a choked noise from him that's very nearly a laugh. He shakes his head in response, but now he's finally smiling, albeit reluctant. "Oh I'm sorry, were you getting me mixed up with someone else?" At his puzzled look, you gesture vaguely to yourself. "Pervert, remember? Pretty sure you've said so, yourself. Besides," you shrug, "I'm just glad it's something I actually want to do, because if it had been the cow thing I'm not sure if I could've hacked it, honestly."

"Noted." His tone is dry but he seems a bit less on edge, so you consider that little segue to have served its purpose successfully. "So you want to?"

"Mm. Just one thing, though. I get that you're on a bit of a brain right now, but if that's all this is, just leave me out of it, okay?" You very nearly cross your fingers. Now that it's been put on the table, having it get taken right off again would be no fun at all.

"Why?"

"Not sure if this is news to you, but I actually give a shit about you. Against my better judgment, I might add." You pinch the bridge of your nose with a sigh. Why are you even having to explain this? You know that he's not stupid, so what part isn't clicking, here? "If you're going to feel like crap once it wears off, I don't want to be the reason for that. So just..." You trail off, not sure how to put this in a way that doesn't sound like you're telling him 'no'. "Just tell me that you actually want it, that it's not just someone else living in your head right now."

And that's the rub, isn't it? Because as much as he takes and takes, him asking for something, leaving himself vulnerable like this, is not something he does. It just isn't. As the silence stretches out, you expect him to get up and leave. When he eventually moves, your heart lurches in your chest. But he's not turning away, instead he's moving closer, his face all wry amusement.

"While I appreciate the sentiment, this is me." He does a crooked little nod, hitching one shoulder. "Sure, it's not all me, but if it was none, I'd still be back at my place. Probably be white-knuckling it and drinking while I wait for it to wear off. So if it's all the same to you..." Now he's the one leaning closer, until his breath ghosts your cheek, "I'd rather you take care of me, hm?" And it's obvious he's trying to act casual about it, but you can see the way his brows knit together, and despite the airy way he says it, it still lands like a punch to the gut. Even if he doesn't mean it that way, it's still an admission of trust, small as it may be. It sets a heady mix of desire, pride and something dangerously close to love cascading through you and just like that, your hands are shaking. It's almost funny how fast it gets to you, how intensely, because it's not as if you haven't done it before.

"Fuck, you just scrambled my brain a little, I think," you breathe, suddenly not sure where to look. "I feel like I'm going to have to apologize in advance, here."

"Why? Change your mind already?"

"No, but," you let out a shaky little laugh, holding a hand up so he can see. "I might end up touching you like a diabetic middle schooler handling a candy bar."

"Not exactly inspiring confidence there, doll." He's teasing again, and in a weird way it actually helps, comforting in its familiarity. "You sure you're up for it?"

"Don't worry, I know what I'm doing." You plant a quick peck at the corner of his mouth. "I'll take care of you, if you'll let me."

"That a promise?" Even though he's trying to sound flippant, it's a bit more brittle than usual.

"You nervous?" If he is, it doesn't show in the way he kisses you, slow and sure. Still, maybe you should pump the breaks for a second. "Hold on, just, wait." With a sigh, he lets you push him gently away. "Where are you even, um...at, with this stuff? Really don't want to end up hurting you by accident."

"Not sure if I should be flattered or insulted, here." Shaking his head, he lets out a quick little huff. "You're not going to hurt me. Let's just call it dealer's choice, and if I change my mind, I'll tell you."

"That's fine." It's probably as much as you're going to get, but at least you can work with that. "Can I put my mouth on you?"

"You want to-" He splutters, then clears his throat. If he could blush, it looks like that's exactly what he'd be doing right about now. "Why?"

"Because I want to." Because you're beautiful. Because I want to see what noises you'll make. If he thought that you were going to try and get this over with as quickly as possible, he's got another thing coming. Since you're not sure if this will ever happen again, you plan to make a meal out of it, so to speak. "Besides, it's as good a start as any. It'll be good, I promise."

"You're so fucking…" Trailing off, he shifts in his seat, then lets out a shaky sigh. "If you really want to."

"Yeah, I do." Reaching for his hand you give it a squeeze, then press a kiss to the back of it, though you can't help but tease him just a little bit more. "Now, I know how you feel about my shower, but can you please be a good boy and get yourself nice and clean for me?"

"Alright, but only because you're asking so nicely," he grumbles, and while he looks incredibly put upon the whole way, he does go.

As the shower hisses to life, you busy yourself with getting things ready. The harness and the lube turns out to be the easy part, picking a dildo not so much. For a second you think about making him pick just to see what he'd do, but decide against it. In the end you settle for something brightly colored with a good curve and a nicely shaped head, a bit on the bigger side but with enough give that it shouldn't be too much. There's just enough time to lay everything out on the bedside table before the shower turns off.

The first thing that strikes you is how soft he looks like this, hair damp and one of your towels wrapped around his waist. The second is that he smells like your soap, and something about that makes some primal part of your brain almost purr. It's entirely nonsensical but you still can't push the thought down; yours, he's yours.

"That wasn't so bad, was it?"

"For you, maybe," While he's clearly going for nonchalant, the set of his shoulders tell a different story. Despite trying to pretend otherwise, he's nervous, even if it's just a little bit.

"I better try to make it worth it, then. Come here." As you pat the covers next to you, he hesitates, but only for a split second. There's still a few stray droplets of water dotting his skin, making you ache to kiss each and every one away as he reclines next to you. The leisurely way he stretches out on his side is clearly aiming for casual, but not quite getting there. "Do you still want me to?"

"You don't need to keep asking." He frowns as you reach down to card your fingers through his already messy hair. "Are you going to get on with it or do I need to get a signed permission slip first?"

"Depends. Do you have one?" You grin, because this, you know. This is familiar and easy. "It'll have to be notarized and in trip-"

You hadn't been expecting him to let you finish, but you're still caught off guard by how impatient he is. Now that things are getting more real he seems more concerned with getting it over with than actually enjoying it, and the kiss is deep, almost urgent. Putting a hand on his shoulder, you push to give yourself some space and while he frowns at you, he doesn't fight it.

"You always take such good care of me, so just relax and let me take care of you for once," you press a quick, soft kiss to his lips, "there's no rush." This time around it's better as he simply lets himself be kissed but he still pulls at you, dragging you down. There's nothing nervous about his hands sliding up the back of your shirt though, or the way his hips lift as you pull the towel away, leaving him bare. Gliding a hand over the exposed skin, it never ceases to amaze you how someone so sharp can be so soft to touch. Even though he doesn't mark easily it's not that hard to imagine what that would look like as you drag your nails over the swell of his ass.

"Now who's rushing?" He murmurs as you grab at him, blunt fingernails digging in as you gently squeeze.

"I'm not," you sigh, giving him another squeeze just because you can, "I'm just…enjoying."

"Yeah?" Sliding a hand over your stomach he rucks the shirt up until he's cupping your breast, rubbing the pad of his thumb in teasing little circles around your nipple and making you shiver. The hint is obvious enough and as you pull the top off, he watches hungrily. When your hands go to the fly of your jeans next, he lets out a little relieved huff. "Was almost starting to feel a bit self-conscious, here."

"Sure you were." You can only barely keep from rolling your eyes at him. There are plenty of words that come to mind when you think of him, but self-consciousness is not one of them. When your jeans are finally kicked off and discarded over the side of the bed, they're quickly followed by your underwear.

"That's better," he hooks his leg over yours and pulls you close, grinding his half-hard cock against your thigh. Despite the crudeness of the gesture it still feels intimate, and it makes you wish that you could truly have him, that he'd be yours, for real and not just for the moment. Instead, you'll simply have to take what you can get. Pushing him onto his back is nearly effortless, he goes with it so easily. Sucking a lazy trail of kisses down the side of his throat has his eyes fluttering shut as he cranes his neck to give you better access.

"You're so beautiful…" You sigh, mouthing at the line of his clavicle, tracing the delicate bone with your teeth and dipping your tongue into the hollows before sucking the beginnings of a bruise into the sensitive skin at the join between his shoulder and neck. "It almost isn't fair."

"Careful, there," his voice is a soft rumble under your lips as you kiss your way down his chest, "keep talking like that and I might start to grow an ego."

"Mm, can't have that, can we?" You wish that you could see his face right now, because the noise he makes as you drag your tongue over one of his nipples is damn pretty, too. Enjoying the way his breath hitches, you can't help doing it a few more times before moving on.

While you do have an end point in mind, it's hard not to get sidetracked as you kiss your way down his body, briefly dipping your tongue into his navel as you go. Usually he's the one between your legs and not the other way around, but you don't mind the reversal. Not when he spreads them so readily, the soft hairs there tickling your lips as you kiss the insides of his thighs. For a second you're sorely tempted to bite him, to litter the creamy skin with bruises, but instead you nuzzle him gently, trailing kisses up to the crease of his thigh. Licking a fat stripe all the way up to his hip is messy and entirely self-indulgent, but you do it anyway. As you suck a bruise into the line of his hipbone he bucks underneath you, stiffening cock brushing your cheek. Even though you hadn't been planning to, you kiss him there too, running your tongue up the seam between his balls and up his shaft before wrapping your lips around the swollen tip.

"Fuck, doll," he rasps, chest hitching as he settles a hand over the back of your neck. The grip is gentle though, which is good since he'd just reminded you what you were actually supposed to be doing. Still, you give him a few slow sucks before pulling away, drawing a frustrated little sound from him. You press one last kiss to the tip of his cock before tapping his hip.

"This'll be easier if you turn over." He's quicker about it than you'd thought he'd be, rolling over onto his stomach without protest. The smooth lines of his back almost make your mouth water and for a moment all you want to do is kiss him again, every single inch, from the curve of his shoulder and down the dip of his spine. Instead, you grab his hips, gently directing him. "Up a little bit, sweetheart." For a moment you think that he might comment on your choice of words but in the end he doesn't, only hesitating for a second before getting on his hands and knees. Inwardly, you heave a sigh of relief. "For a minute I was worried you were going to make me say 'please'." Gliding a hand over his ass, you hum. "You're very pretty like this too, you know. How's that ego coming along?" That gets you a small huff and an eye roll in return.

"You don't have to," he licks his lips, then looks away. "It's not like I'll break if you don't, you could just-"

"I know." You press a quick kiss to one of his cheeks, giving the other one a squeeze. "Really want to, though. Think you can let me, just a little?" He's so tense that he's almost vibrating under your hands, but he lets you spread him open, shivering as your breath wafts over him. When you lap at him the sound he makes has you wishing all over again that you could see his face right now, but you only continue for a few moments more before pulling away, running a hand down his side. "Want me to keep going?"

"Yeah, that's…" he trails off, sighing as you lick at him again. Running the tip of your tongue around his rim has him letting out a low moan. For once there's no wisecracks, none of his little power plays, just the rustle of the sheets and him slowly relaxing into the intimate touch with hushed little noises you're pretty sure he doesn't mean to make. When you probe at his entrance with the tip of your tongue he swears quietly under his breath, back starting to arch as he leans into it with something that's almost a whine, and as you push in as far as you can, that 'almost' turns gossamer thin. The feeling of being the one that picks him apart for once is something that you can definitely see yourself becoming addicted to. Every little sound from his pretty mouth goes straight to your core, the heady feel of being the one doing that to him making you slick with want. By the time you press one last sloppy kiss to his asshole your jaw is getting sore, but seeing the mess you've made of him makes it worth it. He's trembling, cock dribbling pre-come, back tense and altogether too lovely.

"You…" he pants, almost sounding disappointed, "you're stopping?"

"Oh, so you liked that?" You mouth at his cheek before biting down on the soft flesh, just a little. "It was kind of hard to tell."

"Fuck you." The words are a bit too slow and shaky to be entirely convincing.

"Is that your way of saying you changed your mind?" You run a finger over his saliva-slick entrance, gently pressing against it. Rather than responding right away he presses back against you, but when that doesn't work to speed things along he hangs his head, his frustration palpable as he heaves a sigh.

"…No."

"Just checking." As you keep rubbing at him in soft little circles he shivers, and that's about as much of this as you can take. "Not to complain about the view, but can we move?" Planting a quick kiss at the small of his back, you gently press your fingertip against him, just teasing.

"You know the kid-glove treatment really isn't necessary, right?" Despite the huffy way he says it, he's not pulling away.

"I know." And you do know, but that doesn't mean you feel like skipping ahead either, not when he seems to be enjoying it, no matter how much he tries to pretend otherwise. "I just want to make sure you feel good, you deserve to. Besides, I'm enjoying the hell out of this." Bending back down you drop a kiss to his ass-cheek, sucking a bruise into the unmarked skin before poking the back of his thigh. "Now move, I want to play with you some more."

"Someone's bossy tonight." But he does move, stretching out on his back and giving you a salacious look as he spreads his legs. "This better?"

"A little. Still room for improvement, though." With that, you grab the discarded pillows at the end of the bed before tapping his side. "Up."

"See what I mean? Bossy." He lets you slide the pillows under his hips though, and while not perfect, it's an improvement as far as angles go. At least this way, you'll be able to see what you're doing. Ignoring his little quip, you kneel between his legs and lean forward, caging him in with your arms. It's not a position you're that used to being in, not this way around, but it's one you could definitely get used to.

"You good like this?"

"Will it make you get on with it faster if I say yes?" He shoots back with a lopsided grin, hooking his legs around your waist and grinding up against you.

"Pretty sure it wouldn't kill you to stow the attitude," you sigh, bending down to nuzzle the side of his neck, humming as you plant a few small kisses there. "Can you do that for me and maybe save the mouthing off for some other time?"

"And here I thought you liked my mou-" Before he can finish you bite down, hard enough to leave a bruise and make him let out a small laugh, legs dropping back down. "Alright, point fucking taken," he groans, the vibrations of his voice humming against your teeth. "I'll behave."

"Good." Dragging your tongue over the reddening skin, you give the spot one last hard suck before letting go and reaching for the bottle of lube on the bedside table. You half expect him to start right up again, but he doesn't. Instead he simply watches as you slick your fingers up, eyes heavy-lidded and hands twitching restlessly at his side. As you circle his entrance he shivers again, legs spreading a bit wider apart.

"This okay?" You flick your eyes to his face as you sink a finger into him, watching the way his throat moves as he swallows, tongue darting out to wet his lips.

"Not made of glass, doll," he murmurs as you gently thrust a few times, "don't have to be so damn careful." Rather than argue you add another finger, making him let out a small gasp. Despite his earlier protests, being thorough seems to have paid off because he's relaxed and pliant, taking the added digit easily. Pressing a third finger against him, you hesitate.

"A bit more?"

"Yeah," he quickly nods, brows knitting as he angles his hips up, "yeah, you can, it's fine…" Maybe it'd be better to slow down a bit, but then he's pushing against you, still so impatient. Stroking down his thigh with your free hand, you gently grab his hip as you slowly sink another finger into him, making him let out a quiet groan. There's a bit more resistance this time, but he doesn't tell you to stop. When you're finally pressed all the way inside you simply hold still, feeling the echo of his heartbeat around your fingers, faint and impossibly slow.

"God, I love touching you like this," you moan as you twist your fingers, dragging a choked little noise from him as you savor the way he feels wrapped around them, "you're so soft." Just watching the way they disappear into him has you aching, making your thighs go slick. Flexing a few times, you hook your fingers upwards slightly, his breath first stuttering and then becoming a drawn out moan when you find what you're looking for.

"Fuck," he groans, hands loosely gripping the sheets as his eyelids flutter shut, "do that again…" So you do, pressing upwards and sliding the pads of your fingers in massaging little circles, enjoying the way it makes his brows furrow and jaw go a bit slack.

"You're being so good for me right now." Giving his hip a little squeeze you rub your thumb over the line of his hip bone, "you're so lovely." And he is, the slow movement of your fingers making his cock twitch and leak, dragging breathy little sounds from his mouth with what feels like barely any effort at all. You wonder if this is what it must be like for him all the time, when he's the one making you unravel with just a touch. It's addictive and you half wish you could spend the rest of the evening just like this, with him wrapped around your fingers, letting you work him over until he's like putty in your hands, spent and messy.

"You gonna keep me waiting much longer?" It's still impatient, but it might have been a bit more convincing if he wasn't half moaning, the words coming out in uneven little fits and starts.

"Just a bit more, promise it won't be long." For a minute you consider trying to add another finger just to see if you can, but in the end you decide against it. "You really want it?" Still slowly thrusting right into the spot that keeps forcing those sweet noises out of him, you don't wait for a response before dipping your head down to lap at his half-hard cock, making him let out a low strangled sound. For a moment you're tempted to take him into your mouth properly, to bring him off like this and feel him spasm around your fingers as he fills your throat. It takes a fair bit of self control to keep from doing exactly that but you manage to pull yourself away, even though it almost hurts to do it. "Say yes, then."

"Fuck, yes." The response is a bit unsteady, but between patience starting to run low and your fingers thrusting into him, it's quick. For a moment you think about turning the tables, make him beg and say 'please' the way he likes to do to you, but in the end you dismiss the idea. It might be pressing your luck a step too far, you want to see this through properly, not piss him off.

"Alright," you drop a kiss to his belly, giving your fingers one last wiggle, "just give me a minute." As you withdraw, he lets his head fall back against the mattress with a low frustrated sound. It almost makes you feel a bit bad for making him wait for it, but only almost.

Assembling the harness and slipping it on is easy and if he has anything to say about your choice of dildo, he tactfully keeps it to himself. As you kneel between his legs again you can't keep from leaning in to give him a quick kiss but he doesn't seem to mind, responding eagerly as he pulls you down.

"You should…" He mumbles against your lips as your faux cock bumps against his real one.

"I will, just let me…" As you untangle yourself from his arms, he only reluctantly lets you go. Grabbing the lube again, you make sure to be as generous as possible as you slather the thick gel over the toy.

"There's easier ways of doing this, you know." It's more teasing than actual complaining on his part, though.

"Oh, I'm aware," you stroke his thigh, the soft hair there tickling your fingertips, "but I really want to look at your pretty face when I'm fucking you." The angle isn't quite right, so you grab the base of the dildo and push it down, dragging the tip of it over his entrance. "Just put your legs up for me and you can have it, love." For a moment you think he might not do it, but a gentle push is all it takes.

"This work?" This time, everything lines up much better. He's incredibly pretty like this, disheveled and spread out like a work of art, and for a moment the vulnerability of it almost makes you choke.

"It's perfect." Moving in closer, you grab hold of one of his raised legs and drop a kiss to the inside of one bent knee. "You're perfect." As you steady the toy with your hand and press against his opening he tenses up but it quickly passes, letting you start to push inside. It's slow, feeling like it's two steps forward and one step back, every movement making his breath hitch, but he doesn't tell you to stop. When his body finally yields and the head pops in, you almost moan right along with him. "You sound so damn good," you try to hold still, but it's not as easy as it perhaps should've been. "Not hurting you, am I?"

"No." Head falling back, he frowns, taking a few gasping breaths. "Shit, that's a lot."

"Too much?" Despite knowing how durable he is, you can't quite keep a note of worry out of your voice, "do you want me to stop?"

"Don't you fucking dare." Reaching up, he grabs for any part of you he can, which in this position isn't a whole lot. In the end, he wraps his fingers around your forearm, keeping you from pulling away. "I'll be fine, just…go slow."

"I will, just try to relax for me." You tighten the grip on his legs, steadying him as you slowly push deeper at what feels like a fraction of an inch at a time. Every sound tumbling from his mouth sends a jolt of pleasure through you until you're almost drunk off it, the thought that you're the one making him do that. That he trusts you enough to let you. Despite the almost glacial pace he's still trembling, breath coming in almost frantic little gasps, the grip on your arm verging on vicelike. "Just breathe," you give his knee a reassuring squeeze, "I've got you, you're doing so, so well, just a bit more…" Even though it ends up sounding mostly like nonsense it does seem to help, his grip loosening and legs going a bit less tense. You don't know where to look as you push the rest of the way in, eyes flicking between his face and his opening as you slide home. When you're finally pressed against him all the way inside, he swears under his breath. "You alright?"

"Yeah." Nodding a bit shakily, he lets his hands fall down to grip the sheets again, "still a hell of a lot, but it's…" You watch the way his stomach tenses and hips twitch as he tries to grind up against the toy with a sigh, brows furrowing, "it's fucking good, though…"

"Let me know when I can move." For a minute you just watch him, trying to stay still and give him time to adjust. Running your hands over his calves, you can't keep from smiling at the way his toes curl when you roll your hips slightly, just barely nudging him.

"I think…" He wets his lips, hesitating for a second before slipping a hand down to lightly stroke himself, "you can move a little, just…"

"Slow, I know." It takes a few tries to find a rhythm, only partly because you don't want to rush. Mostly it's because it's hard to look away from him touching himself, even though he's only half-hard and just lazily stroking, not even trying to get off. You're not sure if he relaxes into it so easily because of something you do or if it's the brain kicking in, but it doesn't feel anywhere near as important as the sound he makes when you start thrusting into him with longer, fuller strokes. And you know that you should probably shut up, but you're not sure how. Not when he's making the sweetest noises at every roll of your hips, all whispered filth and breathless little moans, not when he's gripping the sheets until his knuckles turn pale. Certainly not when you've got his thighs tensing under your hands as he lets you fold him almost in half. "You're so fucking beautiful like this."

He's already looking half a mess, gasping for breath that you know he doesn't really need, and as you slow down for a few seconds to give your legs a rest, he reaches for you again. Rather than fight it you let him pull you down, crashing his lips into yours with a desperate sound that goes straight to your aching, neglected core. He's holding on so tightly that it's difficult to move, his cock hard and leaking, rubbing against your belly as you rock into him. Something about the way he clings to you makes your heart swell until it feels as if it might crack your ribs and you know that it's stupid, but maybe it's alright, maybe you can say it just this once. It'll just be part of whatever this is and it'll be fine and-

"I love you." It's quiet, almost getting lost in the sound of your bodies sliding against each other, but you know he's heard it because for a second he tenses up, looking almost pained.

"You really fucking shouldn't." He's so quick with it even though his voice breaks and with the way his face contorts and eyes flutter shut, you know you've probably messed up, possibly badly. It's not enough to make you stop though because he's still holding onto you in any way that he can, not pushing you away.

"I know," you try to keep your voice steady, though it's not entirely successful, "I know, but let me anyway." Panting, he buries his face in the crook of your neck, hands fumbling at you as he bites down, making you flinch at the dull press of his teeth. It's more from surprise than pain but you can tell that it's going to bruise as he sucks at you, seemingly determined to leave a mark. As his shoulders hitch you're not sure what to do except softly pet his hair as you rock against him, letting him muffle his stuttering little moans against your skin. "Won't you please look at me?" When he doesn't respond, you go still. "Do you need me to stop?" That gets a reaction, making him reluctantly let you go, and for a second you're sure that you've ruined it.

"No, don't." It's a bit ragged around the edges and he quickly hooks a leg around your back to keep you from pulling away. "Don't stop." He doesn't quite look at you as you straighten back up, though. Why couldn't you just keep your mouth shut?

"Still good, then?" Your hand moves almost on its own and before you can stop you're reaching down and stroking his cheek, thumb rubbing over his cheekbone. When he leans into it with a soft sound it feels as if your heart might crumple like tissue-paper in your chest.

"Yeah, still good." His tone is flippant as he digs his heel into the small of your back to give you a little push but even though he quickly blinks and looks away, you can see that his eyes are a bit too bright. "Would be better if you moved, though."

It's surprisingly easy to fall back into it and find the rhythm again, and even though you're still not going very fast or even that hard, it doesn't take very long to have him trembling underneath you. You can't even bring yourself to feel offended that he's laying back and letting you do all the work even as your legs are starting to burn from the effort, not when every thrust has the most delicious noises spilling from his pretty mouth, making your cunt reflexively clench around nothing. It's like a perfectly lovely form of torture, to only be able to watch and listen to him slowly fall apart without any relief of your own. A slight change of angle has him almost melting into the mattress, legs quivering and drooping until you end up supporting most of their weight yourself, but you can't find it in you to mind. It's not like they're heavy and he looks so perfect like this, awash with pleasure.

"Like that, keep going…" There's an edge of urgency to his voice as his eyes slide shut, brow furrowing in concentration. "Don't fucking stop…" And you try, you do, watching the way he twists the sheets in his hands, desperation etched into every line of his body as he tenses up, then falls back down with a frustrated noise, mouth falling open as he pants. "Felt like I was going to fucking come, fuck," his voice is reedy with it as he almost squirms.

"I want you to," you rub a hand down the back of his thigh, watching the toy as you thrust more shallowly into him, teasing his entrance and making him nearly whimper as you almost pull out. "Tell me what you need." Leaning on his chest you can feel the thrum of his heart beating, so strong and fast under your hand that he almost seems alive. "Whatever you want, let me help you."

"You…" He takes a few frantic breaths, and you're not sure if he's hesitating or just doesn't want it anymore, but then he's pushing at you again, poking his heel into your back. In any other situation it would be hilarious that you've managed to mostly shut him up for once, but right now it seems almost cute. "Just…do that again." Before you can respond he grabs your wrist, pulling your hand up.

"This what you want?" As you trace the curve of his Adam's apple he nods and then swallows, and for a second you're tempted to hold it between your teeth like some sort of wild animal. Or possibly peel it and take a bite, you're not sure. You can't wrap your fingers around his neck properly so instead you simply cradle it in your hand, gently pressing down. Bracing yourself against one of his legs you do your best to replicate what you'd been doing before, every noise he makes vibrating against your palm. This time he doesn't leave it all to you though, quickly sliding a hand down to touch himself. Despite the lightness of his touch, every stroke pulls a desperate little noise from his throat as he's trapped between the thrusting of the toy and his own hand.

"Is that good, sweetheart?" He can't really talk and barely even nod as you push down on his neck, but the noise he makes certainly sounds like it is. Ignoring the burning in your thighs you try to keep the pace steady, watching the almost pained expression on his face and the way his jaw goes slack as he chases it. You can tell that he's getting close, his breath coming in unsteady bursts, catching and faltering as the pleasure ratchets higher until he's pressed right up against the edge, leaky and throbbing. "You're so pretty like this, just let go for me, I promise it'll be so, so good…"

When he comes it's with a sound that's nothing short of obscene. It has your cunt twitching in sympathy as his release spills from him in thick spurts, making you moan right along with him. It's messy, painting his stomach and spattering up his chest, some of it hitting your forearm. You do your best to fuck him through it, not stopping until he's spent, letting go of his flagging cock and collapsing bonelessly into the rumpled sheets with a contented little whimper, shivering from the aftershocks. For a minute you just watch him come down, giving him a moment before the less fun part.

"Need you to relax for a bit," you press a kiss to one wobbly leg before easing them down, watching the uneven rise and fall of his chest. He only hums in response so you do your best to be gentle but the blissed out expression on his face barely flickers as you withdraw, quickly pulling the harness off and discarding it over the side of the bed. Turning back you can't quite keep a giggle from escaping, because with the way he's spreading out, you'd almost think that it's his bed and not yours. "Is there room for two?" As you stroke down his side he flops onto his side, letting you move the pillows away. At first you simply stretch out next to him but after a moment's hesitation you turn over, wrapping an arm around his waist. "You alright?"

"You didn't have to do that." That's not really what you asked, but you don't have the energy to argue. But then, it doesn't really sound like he does, either.

"I wanted to." You drop a quick kiss to his shoulder and tighten your grip around his waist, unable to keep from teasing him, even if it's just a little. "Did you come good and hard for me, sweetheart?"

"What do you think?" He sounds exhausted and completely fucked out, the words going fuzzy around the edges with it, making almost you glow with pride.

"I don't know," you drag your fingers through the mess on his stomach, "I think I might do better next time."

"What makes you think there's going to be a next time?"

"Funny, that doesn't sound like a 'no' to me." You nuzzle the back of his neck, the damp curls tickling your nose as you pull his scent deep into your lungs, "Care to give that another try?"

"…No."

⁂

part 2

The Master-masterlist

Fandom Masterlist

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[sincelastsession]

I have been unable to sleep and then I finally did pass out today I'm from lack of sleep and Woke up I was very anxious And nauseated and I don't know if the 2 are synonymous or if I'm sick I don't think I'm sick though unless I eat something bad. Anyway I feel awful right now like just mentally like not a harm to myself or others but just Pretty fucking mean brain time.

And I have been trying very hard to ignore that because it's very intrusive and I have absolutely no desire to go that direction that my brain is just slamming me with

So yeah I've just been an anxious mess with a stomach that's fucked up and I am crying like a baby and I don't even really know why like I was not in a bad mood I don't know if I just had a regular no trigger panic and anxiety attack but I did take my meds and I do feel calmer but I'm still weepy and I don't like this

So the neighbors that have been torturing me have let new neighbors know about me and my neighbor who went up to the front office and raised hell because they weren't listening to me and they needed someone else to go up there to prove it for some fucking dumb reason

I've gotten my security camera it won't be installed till the weekend unless I can find somebody to come out tomorrow evening

Since the people in apartment 60 are going to have the at least not renewed That means that I won't have to deal with them for a super long time or at least my neighbor won't

My parents have told me that I will be moving in September I don't know if I should believe them I am very exhausted from all these stupid events that don't even have to do with me but I was roped into and then unroped myself because hell no

Like I just I don't have the mental capacity and I don't feel good like I'm dealing with chronic pain and all sorts of other health issues right now and I don't fucking want to deal with someone who is not my child unless they reach out to me and ask for help because I cannot talk sense into my sister who is drunk or high most of the time and you and I both know that people in addiction have to choose to get better

And I am kind of sad for her but also very disgusted and pissed off at her for many reasons I'm not going to shame her for having any sort of addiction but I don't like that she has that issue right now and it worries me because her aunt her biological aunt died recently from alcoholism and a medical condition that caused her to die early from the drinking and Piper has not been tested for that genetic disorder or whatever So I am very concerned especially since she's 22 and parties a lot and I know when I was younger I did drink and then I got older and I was like You know this isn't my j how many more and I don't like hangovers anymore and I just quit because I don't really have that addiction Genetics thing that many people do struggle with and I'm sure that if I drank every day I could become addicted but I don't ever have like cravings for drugs or alcohol

Actually that's a lie sometimes I want a beer like I'll just crave the flavor of a beer even though usually I think they're pretty fucking gross but I assume that you understand what I mean by that

I'm not sure what to do and therapy tomorrow I am exhausted though and I wanted to work on things but I don't know if I am capable right now

I'm also really concerned because apartment 60 was sent a letter today about the fact that they won't be allowed to renew their lease

So I don't know if they're going to retaliate but they have told the new neighbors all about me because for some reason even though I've told the office that I can literally hear these people talking about me from every room in my apartment the people in apartment 60 have not been made aware that I can hear Everything they're saying so I'm a little worried about what's going to happen when I put my security camera up

I'm allowed to have it and it has cloud storage and capability of more than 1 person to have an account and look through the camera if need be and I was going to talk with a courtesy officer and see if it was capable of allowing him to access it for emergency reasons or to just check and see if it really is as bad as it is when I call for noise complaint before he walks out here and then tells me that nobody's being allowed because they see him and they usually scatter

And I'm not even anxious about any of this other than the fact that I am terrified apartment 60 is going to retaliate against me when it was my neighbor who raised hell and went to the front office finally because she was sick of it she knew I was dealing with it for a while but she's been dealing with her breast cancer and she just finally had enough.

So I found that out earlier today I was thinking that we were going to have to speak to mister Lewis who owns the property or did own the property or manages the entire patrician management properties something like that.

My parents have been really aggressive and cruel to me lately for really no reason because I've asked them like hey why are you mad at me did I do something wrong and they just get really pissed off and hang up on me or says that they have to go and hang up and I don't know what's going on

I know it's possible that it's not like personal but I really don't like that they're being cruel and I have calmly asked them you know can you stop being mean to me I didn't do anything to you why are You talkin' to me like that I don't deserve that and they will say something like really mean and nonsensical and just hang the phone up and I am left very confused and I did not blow their phones up with text messages today I did not have that compulsion today

And I did try to talk to my dad and he got mad about me repeating myself once or twice and he was like you need to fucking quit doing that and I'm like I can't really help it and he has a tantrum about it and I don't exist to please him or anybody else and this hurts my feelings so much because it's part of who I am currently and yes it is obnoxious but it's not something that I am Controlling that I am aware that I can just suddenly stop because when I do try to suddenly stop or I do get told to shut up Sometimes the compulsion gets worse and it's not something that like unconsciously doing I have been made aware of it many many times for the past couple of years and it's gotten worse and I don't know what's causing that

Willing to work on that but I need people to quit being so fucking critical of me because other people do understand when I say it's my OCD and I do apologize When that is happening. It is really frustrating having to apologize about something that I really don't have a good control over

I don't really get to pick or choose when it happens

So even though people hate it and everything it's like hey guys you don't have to live with this it's embarrassing already and I'm aware of it but it's actually pretty physically painful to quit and I don't know how to explain that it's something you would have to experience yourself and people just won't take my word for it and think that I'm just trying to make excuses to repeat myself and I'm like why would I do that

So yeah

And yeah I am worried about the people in apartment 60 I don't know when they're lease is up but they will have to move then but hopefully I will move before they do so I don't have to deal with it but I do worry for my neighbor but I also know she's grown and can take care of herself like she did the other day

I wish I could just go on a vacation for 2 weeks

Just like do my therapy session on video chat or something and go somewhere 42 weeks but I can't afford to do that right now so I'm trying to have vacation at home and vacation at home is just you know not the same

I've been using this little heart monitor which I guess you will see tomorrow and it is driving me insane right now I don't see a red rash but it it's like hell and I'm trying not to touch it because last time I had to wear one of these and they went to remove it it ripped some of my skin off and there was a horrible rash underneath the entire times so I'm hoping that this won't damage me as bad. It has to stay on till the 30 and it looks fucking gross right now because it has fuzzy particles stuck around the edges that I can't get off unless I use it alcohol be and then that might make the sticky come off completely so I just have to deal with it.

My appointment with my primary care yesterday she took a lot of pictures of me for medical reasons because I am growing a fucking mustache now and also like a beard as if somebody has given me hormone treatments to change genders which I do not like for myself because that's not how I identify

But it did give me a flashback to when I was a child having medical studies and pictures taken of me

And I did not tell her and I did not react but since then it's been flashing back to that and even though nobody hurt me I was a small child in a government study and my parents did not come back with me when they took me to the photography studio in the hospital

And I did not tell her and I did not react but since then it's been flashing back to that and even though nobody hurt me I was a small child in a government study and my parents did not come back with me when they took me to the photography studio in the hospital I remember the people being nice but I also had to strip down to my underwear and they took pictures of my body because of the rash I had from my autoimmune disorder I had at was really uncomfortable when I was a kid and I didn't know that I could just tell them I did not want to do it and I was also a really shy kid and I went non verbal a lot and my parents just thought I was being shy and I could never explain it to them

So it's kind of like a weird trauma to have it's pretty unique one. But also when I remember that trauma from early childhood where I was actually abused pops up andI guess it's because both of those things involved pictures

And I do wonder if the pictures have something to do with why I don't want people to take like normal pictures of me and I only take head shots and I don't know if those things are connected and I don't know if we should explore that at some point but I figured I'd just mention it here so you might take note if you feel it's important for my treatment

Since me and my partner had an argument he's been pretty quiet I mean he did apologize for his bullshit properly and I'm not mad at he's been scarce

So me being a person who doesn't look at relationships like everybody else and I don't know how to explain that I don't know what's going on I don't know if people just have reflection period after these sort of things or what

I did talk to him briefly about 20 minutes ago just asking him if he was okay and he told me he was okay and that the movie long legs sucked andSuggested that I do not go see it even though I love Nicholas cage

And I sent him a couple little sweet messages but he didn't reply and I'm tired and I'm not gonna message him again to get a reply

I don't think that our relationship is in trouble currently I just don't know what to do when he's being super quiet andI always have this very irrational anxiety unrelated to the anxiety I'm having today thatThat people are angry at me or just don't want to deal with me or something like that. And I know that he may not want to talk to me and that's fine he does not have to I'm not holding a gun to his head to talk to me

But it sucks when people apeople are going through whatever and they don't really reply to you and you just feel really fucking alone

I mean it's pretty obvious I have abandonment issues. It's pretty obvious that I have some codependency problems and I tried to keep it all in check and I tried to have time by myself but the thing is unby myself a lot and today I wanted to be by myself other than talking to him because I didn't think I would get stressed out by him or you know a few other choice people if they did happen to contact me but mostly today I wanted to be left alone because of all the chaos

And I find it really ridiculous that me wanting to be alone and then like feeling very lonely and it's just I don't know

Because I'm alone most of the time and if I'm not talking to people is that I'm not talking in general I'm just dead silent all day long and some days I have nice quiet alone days where I just can relax but it's been so long that I don't even remember how to try and relax and when I say relax I don't mean fully relaxed because I don't even think I'm capable of fully relaxing unless I'm under anesthesia

Like I feel like I could be given a fucking horse tranquilizer and I would still be awake

I mean before my Doctor diagnosed me with a heart condition that says that I cannot have Various sedatives and sleep medications Especially meds like trazodone. Because I remember taking that medicine and my brain and body would fight it for a while much longer than most people last and I would hallucinate black & white. And I think it's really weird because the only other times I have had any sort of visual hallucinations medication-related they are always in black & white and that is just weird and I haven't asked my neurologist about that but I'm not sure he would even have an answer.

I think it might just be one of those really weird things.

I wish I could take ambien because I had the best fucking sleep of my life when I took that I did have 2 ambient adventures but nothing that put me in horrible danger. Not purposeful just took my medicine and did not fall asleep like I was supposed to and decided to apparently make some art and then the other time was I went outside and thought I saw moondog creatures going through things in my mom's car and so my dad just found me in the side yard with my hands-on my hips staring at her car and I was in a good mood I remember it vaguely and then he just Brought me back inside and told me to go to bed and I was like okay and went to bed and I continued taking the medicine and it really did help me to sleep but when my heart condition popped upThe Doctor told me I could no longer take it and I'm mad about it.

I have had insomnia and I think it's genetic because I believe my dad's mother also had a lot of trouble sleeping and getting rest and such and I do share quite a few traits with her

My father also has some sleep issues and I'm not sure about my mom I think she just works too much and spins too much money which is why she works extra hours but I can't do anything about her shopping addiction

I am grateful that she bought the security camera for me even though I didn't ask her to

I'm not going to ask her to pay me back the money that she owes me because of that

You know I never really want any arguments or drama with people but when they poke at me so much it does rile me app and it's very hard for me to get back to being calm because other people seem to be able to easily just get Uber it and go back to how they were before and I don't know why I have trouble with that it seems like my emotions have to catch up to my logic and that takes a lot Longer than I would like but I haven't found any sort of way even with cognitive behavior therapy techniques to really make it shorten

So basically I just have to wait while I'm sitting there kind of beating myself up because it's just like logically I know what's going on but emotionally it's like a Big stupid battle

And yeah I do want to do the disassociative testing because sometimes I do wonder if I am split in some sort of way that doesn't have to do with a personality disorder I think maybe my PTSD is causing something to happen or just you know years of abuse and trauma have done something to my brain well it's sort of obvious that I already have something going on but I would like to explore what it is and how to deal with that or work on you know staying In touch with reality more than I already am

And it's funny because I had a friend of mine talked to me a couple of days ago and she was like if I had to deal with as much as you did I would be delusional as hell on purpose and I was just like that sounds great but In practice I don't think it would be practical to do or healthy

I'm also trying to figure out a way to be brave and learn to skirt the rules for SSI without getting into trouble so I can make money because I feel it in my bones that my dad is getting worse and my mom is also getting worse and I can't really do anything about my sister and it's sort of like I feel like It's crunch time like I only have so much time before the clock runs out

I feel like this a lot. I get in a panic because I feel like I'm going to run out of time and then I'm fucked

And then I asked my dad and mom like I had a fucking meltdown because they kept giving me so many different times and months and days that I would be moving and nobody could give me just a general answer that for sure I would be at least looking at placesBecause I'm tired of having my hopes gotten up and then dashed

So finally my dad told me again that September is the month and so I'm trying to get my brain which is also me which is a mind fog but I'm trying to get my brain to understand that I'm going to have to wait till then and hopefully it wasn't bullshit because I don't want to deal with getting my hopes up again

I need to move regardless of psychological issues because I have physical issues that are causing me problems right now and I probably should be using my Walker but I fucking hate using it and bringing it with me places and sometimes I break down and do and I don't know if I'll have it with me tomorrow or not

I mean I don't think that you mind or anything just thinking about it out loud.

There are some articles about how some people with AD HD just process out loud and it also has to do with autism and then O CD comes in to play and so I Know that we can't just stick that Problem to one diagnosis but it is like you're symptomatic of those diagnosis and I did tell my dad when he was bitching at me that I Don't Know if it's like neurological Damage or if it's something that can be fixed or helped much More than I'm already trying And my trying is pretty much failing every time I try and it sucks and I get very mad at myself but I don't Feel like anything is clicking in my brain when I tried to stop myself on certain things

Like I don't know how to describe the click in the brain thing

Like it just kind of feels like I'm trying to do it but the request for the action is not being met with an OK we're gonna stop no matter how hard I'm trying to stop so it feels like I guess like the brain sends a signal to itself and says hey we need to stop doing this thing and then my brain just says nope I don't think so and continues to do it and I don't know how to fix that shit

And if I do have some sort of neurological damage you know they have not found it on ACT scan or AMRI

But I know that there's another type of brain scan which my insurance probably does not cover that shows when certain regions of the brain light up and when they don't and it's not an MRI even though Mr i's do have some capability like that

And I can't think of the name of the type of imaging and it's the kind that they use to look at schizophrenia and study other mental disorders and there's clinics that do it but I can't for the life of me think of the name

I feel like if I just had better health care access I wouldn't have so many issues in general

Like a lot of things will give me relief to know when in Spring I should be seeing my genetic assistant again because she has a very long appointment Wait list

And honestly I did get some sleep but I just feel like something is just draining my energy completely and I've been feeling like that for about a month and it's probably stress I mean that's the most obvious answer but I have been feeling just physically not great and it is exhausting to deal with chronic pain and crazy family and then other medical issues And I wish I could just get a break from it but that's not how it works

The situational depression that I am feeling is kind of just wavering if that's a way to describe it

I mean it's there it's more just annoying than anything and I don't really feel like super nasty but it just feels like a heavy cloud hanging on me and I'm trying to ignore it because it's just obnoxious

Like I don't like having sad bitch disorder

I would rather I've an episode of Mania where I just clean my apartment and talkward faster and act really super happy but it's been like years since that has occurred

I understand that manic episodes are pretty nasty for most people who suffer from like bipolar and other conditions but the Mania that I get once in a Blue Moon is just like I actually feel happy and I can do a whole bunch of stuff and I clean like a crazy person and there's no executive dysfunction and I feel like I'm powerful and shit and then it's gone in like a week at most

And then I just kind of go back to neutral normal

And you know I have my low moments but I don't really have like the nasty depression all the time

Even if I did I don't think that there's a medication out there currently that I have not tried that did not give me some sort of issue and the main ones that they give people that generally work really well for most of the population actually make me feel worse and that is fucked up and not fair

Because I mean who wants to have more interesting thoughts and feel more suicidal type feelings when they're just trying to feel better you know that's what happened after taking prozac for so long and I do worry that because it took prozac for so long and it's probably you know it probably was never a normal depression it was probably the dysthymia I was diagnosed as having when I was 14-15.

And I thank them treating me for regular depression and not short-term and just making me take prozac for many years without a break probably fucked my brain app and then the brakes that I did have I was on another medication that did not work obviously and I really don't know what happened last time I was in a facility but when I figured out that it was the prozac causing the problems and I took myself off of it All of that shit went away and it was pretty fucking bad so what I'm experiencing right now is not Is anywhere near that feeling.

Right now I just feel like a weepy baby and that's about it and I'm sad but I can logic it and I am feeling my feelings so there's really not much else I can do other than just raw dog this crap

I haven't smoked much recently either I did the other day for my pain but it wasn't really helping the pain as much as I would have liked it too so the Doctor gave me a non steroidal anti-inflammatory injection that is leaving my system right now but she gave it to me because I was all swollen on my hip

And I see my rheumatologist on the 29th so hopefully they can tell me what's going on or get me into physical therapy where they can fix the problem because it might just be due to my hypermobility

Also I know I've probably mentioned this before but I am wondering how much do auto immune disorders cause inflammation in the body and caused psychological issues from the inflammation

Because over the years I have read that people with auto immune disorders often experience emotional changes and mood changes and depression and such because there's inflammation of the brain as well and the tissues or you know things like that

I'm not super well versed on that topic because it wasn't mega interesting to me because I didn't feel like my last Rheumatologist before my new one would really understand or be able to answer the question I don't think that they were trained very well

But I wonder if I'm having any sort of flare up inflammation if that could be causing the brain problems or part of the problem I don't know if there's any way to remedy that but just a thought as to why I'm might be having some extra issues

I really loved my partner but I really miss my ex and neither of them are probably good enough for me but I still love them both

Like I desperately miss my ex-boyfriend but since he got sober he isn't speaking to me or coming around if I see him in public he's a sweetheart but he's not really seeking me out to spend time with me even though he said that I was his best female friend you know and it hurts I mean today I sent him a message to just ask him how he was doing and he just ignored me And I don't know if I should continue to put any energy towards that at all but I don't want to lose him

I feel like I'm losing him and I don't want to lose him and I know we're not dating but I mean like even as a friend

And I haven't told him what's been going on in my life because people don't want to know apparently

You know I'm supposed to just be like oh living the dream and everybody's like yeah me too and then nobody talks about anything and I think that that's like something that's fundamentally fucked up about society is that people just lie to each other and people just talk and stupid little riddles all the time and for me I just don't understand why they just don't directly say what they want to say

I mean I get it I'm not like them but I also know lots of other people that aren't like them either that are pretty direct but I just don't understand why other people have such a problem and why it's such a social taboo to just directly say something to somebody and they get all upset even though there's nothing to be upset about and I don't know if that's just like the United States that has a big issue with that

I've read that in other countries it's not that big of a deal to just directly speak to people and I've thought about if I could afford to just expand the Netherlands because apparently they're very direct people and that sounds like my jam but I don't actually really want to move just to be understood and accepted

But I've also read other really interesting things while I'm like going on my little special interest deep dives that people in other countries also don't experience various diagnosis the same

For instance lake in our country people with schizophrenia tend to have more negative experiences and in some regions and countries they have more positive experiences and often those people are looked at as shawman's and things like that like prophetic almost in certain cultures and I find that to be pretty fascinating and I wonder about Lake cultures before they developed like mental illness treatment what did they do back in early civilization did they just kill people did they just lock them away I mean I know that those were practices

But like were there any positive practices that were done when people had issues where they just seen as people with gifts

Anyway I can't remember the rest of what I was going to mention here and I'm tired so I guess I'll just talk to you tomorrow I don't know if you'll read this before I see you.

I mean hopefully you get a second to do so.

I know that my other journal entries probably are concerning but I don't want anybody to worry too much because like I've told you it's just kind of like brain vomit but I figured you could glean something from me when I'm just journaling.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary275

6/18-19/24

tuesday - wednesday

the birthday went ok until it didn't.

my gf's brother is a paranoid baby who thinks everybody is making fun of him always and stuff. just a miserable life he leads, can't deal with anything, can't take anything that he could spin into being a slight against him or even people who communicate differently. and it's also not our fault that he says outrageous things that are funny, even, he is a funny person, and it doesn't have to be, and it often isn't, that he is the joke. he is problematic and semi-awful, and he'll look at me and talk about how he'd actually be okay with having a trans gf if he never had to see the dick and i can hear that and say whatever, you know, but it's funny that i make you think that, it's funny to see that as a kind of being sincere, and i don't even hate you for it even though a lot of people rightfully might! and it's not even about this, because it doesn't bother me that much, it's just an example of his whole thing, you know. un-woke and crazy and lonely and stuff. what made him go off at my gf and our friend and me by extension was his paranoia that they and i were all doing all this stuff behind his back, and i don't even know what that would be. like honestly, he called us gaslighters, said all of our personalities were smoke and mirrors, that kind of shit. i don't get it! i'm only ever myself, or, i'm condemned to be myself, this is all there is, there's no trickery, i just think lots of things are funny and maybe it's bad that i default to laughter but i do and i try to be nice to people and stuff. he's an asshole though, condescending constantly, telling me about how i have no way to know america's awful because i've only lived in vegas, how he knows the spirit of the land, how great the east coast is. like sorry i was too poor to move anywhere else my entire fucking life!!! and then we went to a bar downtown and sat in uncomfortable silence after he blew up at us in the parking lot, and i had to mediate, to try and express that if my gf can't figure out why he's losing his shit, why he thinks we aren't nice, even though we're there listening to him, spending time with him, talking to him, doing what he wants, but i guess that put him in the bad mood in the first place, cuz he didn't want to do the cafe thing, so we went somewhere else! the problem was solved, but the fact my gf suggested something instead of letting him pick, which he coulda done she just suggested something to him, like, gosh. what an ass hole.

so there was that. seeing our friend was lovely though, the one who lives here, mo, that kinda thing is always nice, i'm glad he was here to deal with it too, i suppose, if it were just my gf and i, we really would have just shut down probably, or made things a little worse. other people help us be more regular maybe. idk.

or, idk. well adjusted?

anyway, b4 i go work out, here's some pix of me, the sun's coming up and i haven't even worked out yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

, :

my phone cam was like smudged... whoops,

#deaddeaddemon'sswag #wow #wow

is my #wow #whoa thing ironic? am i insincere for that, i think it's like, kawaii and stuff and funny too.., it entertains me, so like, is that fake, what does sincerity even mean when the only sincere thing to someone is talking about how bad life is and how you hate everyone on earth.

n e wayzzz, i need to sleep soon, i haven't got to work on the cover art. i need to remind myself, i want to put a thylacine somewhere on it, maybe like, damaged or something, it just feels like kinda of cool. idk, they always captured me as a kid, an uncanny animal, haunted feeling cuzza the extinction and stuff. the cryptid angle too, i guess how they got put out there online, as creepy long dead ancient things, or creepy because of the long dead and ancient. it's weird how old always =s creepy, i suppose i can understand, old buildings, at least, centers of rot, things we don't want to see living there, weird how dwellings fit us and pests, and other kinds of animals tend to not want to be in these things.

here's some funny photos from the psp camera also:

it handles dark lighting in a really fascinating way to me, super harsh, makes things look like outerspace, noisy as hell too, obv.

i also took a long vid with it today, it seems like i can record a long time with it if i'd like, which gives me some fun ideas. i won't post the vid here, it's by gf's brother blasting carseat headrest in mo's car, just too much. it's out there to find though, or i guess unlisted on yt. i may cannibalize the vid for pieces cuz i like how it looks, all the lights downtown, the sad ugliness of it.

for the cover, i also need to draw some kind of corpse-thing, it seems like a right way to fill some of the space that i'm troubling myself over, just like, fucked up flesh, basically, a pile, or like, maybe think of globsters? to bring it around to cryptids... that's a good idea yea... globster beside tuberose.

listening to this, right now:

a classic, to me, love the weirdo riffs on this, love how it's about a man being so pathetic and self pitying, 'he claims he's the victim', the amount of venom directed at that attitude, it's something that feels really interesting/smart, real autocritique. if not smart, the kind of obvious thing that ought to be surfaced because it's never surfaced enough i think.

i have to sleep now, so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[worst-xmas-song-bracket]

#CORRECT #back when i worked at The Nightmare Retail Store they only had like five songs on the christmas playlist #and they would play on shuffle for the entire eight and a half hours (counting lunch) of each shift #one of those songs was 'the 12 days of christmas' #i swear the version of the song they played was like ten minutes long #and it would play every half hour or so #and if you haven't listened to that song recently i suggest you do #if only to understand my misery #it is incredibly repetitive with virtually no variation in any of it and is mind-numbingly simplistic #and despite the holidays there were still slow times in the store #but we were only allowed to work our particular section and not leave it #and i was a cashier #so i would be standing on register with nothing to do except stand there and wait #and then the opening notes of 'the twelve days of christmas' would play #and i would speedrun all five stages of grief before the lyrics even started #because i would basically be trapped on register with no distractions with the world's most jauntily mind-numbing tune playing on loop #over the course of that holiday season i went from not really noticing when the song was playing #to going 'huh this song kind of plays a lot' #to finding it kind of annoying #to actively groaning every time it started to play #to being put in a miserable and slightly murderous mood every time i heard it #i cannot emphasize enough how awful it was to just be standing around #and then for the umpteenth time that day hear those opening notes #and then just 'on the first day of christmas my true love gave to me: a partridge in a pair tree' #'on the second day of christmas my true love gave to me: two turtle doves and a partridge in a pair tree. on the third day of christmas-' #over and over and OVER #i swear corporate putting that on the very short shuffled playlist should have been classified as psychological class warfare #anyways fuck that song and fuck that entire store

Tags from @underwhelmingalchemist

Oh my god. I'm pretty sure that's a violation of the Geneva Conventions. You have my sincere sympathy.

Second Round (5/16)