#anyway who knows maybe they smiled because this girl is clearly bonkers
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🎉
#a thing about me is i love to make my profs smile#if i can manage that im pleased for the rest of the day#well! i made THREE professors smile today so HUZZAH#it doesnt necessarily mean i impressed them i am simply a bouncing ball of enthusiasm when i get worked up#anyway who knows maybe they smiled because this girl is clearly bonkers#but a smile is a smile!
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Favorite Books of 2020
I wanted to put together a list! I read 74 new books this year, and I keep track of that on Goodreads - feel free to add or follow me if you want to see everything! I’m going to focus on the highlights, and the books that stuck with me personally in one way or another, in approximate order. Also, all but two of them (#5 and #7 on the honorable mention list) are queer/trans in some way. Links are to Goodreads, but if you’re looking to get the books, I suggest your library, the Libby app using your library, your local bookstore, or Bookshop.
The Faggots & Their Friends Between Revolutions by Larry Mitchell, illus. by Ned Asta (originally published 1977). I had a hard beginning of the year and was in a work environment where my queerness was just not welcomed or wanted. I read this in the middle of all of that, and it helped me so much. I took this book with me everywhere. I read it on planes. I read it on the bus, and on trains, and at shul. I showed it to friends... sometimes at shul, or professional development conferences. It healed my soul. Now I can’t find it and might get a new copy. When I reviewed it, in February, I wrote: “I think we all need this book right now, but I really needed this book right now. Wow. This book is magic, and brings back a sense of magic and beauty to my relationship with the world.” Also I bought my copy last July, in a gay bookstore on Castro St. in SF, and that in itself is just beautiful to me. (Here’s a post I made with some excerpts)
Once & Future duology, especially the sequel, Sword in the Stars, by A.R. Capetta and Cory McCarthy. Cis pansexual female King Arthur Ari Helix (she's the 42nd reincarnation and the first female one) in futuristic space with Arab ancestry (but like, from a planet where people from that area of earth migrated to because, futuristic space) works to end Future Evil Amazon.com Space Empire with her found family with a token straight cis man and token white person. Merlin is backwards-aging so he's a gay teenager with a crush and thousands of years of baggage. The book’s entire basis is found family, and it's got King Arthur in space. And the sequel hijacks the original myth and says “fuck you pop culture, it was whitewashed and straightwashed, there were queer and trans people of color and strong women there the whole time.” Which is like, my favorite thing to find in media, and a big part of why I love Xena so much. It’s like revisionist history to make it better except it’s actually probably true in ways. Anyway please read these books but also be prepared for an absolutely absurd and wild ride. Full disclosure though, I didn’t love the first book so much, it’s worth it for the sequel!
The Wicker King by K. Ancrum. This book hurt. It still hurts. But it was so good. It took me on a whole journey, and brought me to my destination just like it intended the whole time. The author’s note at the end made me cry! The sheer NEED from this book, the way the main relationship develops and shifts, and how you PERCEIVE the main relationship develops and shifts. I’m in awe of Ancrum’s writing. If you like your ships feral and needy and desperate and wanting and D/S vibes and lowkey super unhealthy but with the potential, with work, to become healthy and beautiful and right, read this book. This might be another one to check trigger warnings for though.
The Entirety of The Daevabad Trilogy by S.A. Chakraborty. I hadn’t heard of this series until this year, when a good friend recommended it to me. It filled the black hole in me left by Harry Potter. The political and mystical/fantasy world building is just *chef’s kiss* - the complexity! The morally grey, everyone’s-done-awful-things-but-some-people-are-still-trying-to-do-good tapestry! The ROMANCE oh my GOD the romance. If I’m absolutely fully invested in a heterosexual romance you know a book is good, but also this book had background (and then later less background) queer characters! And the DRAMA!!! The third book went in a direction that felt a little out of nowhere but honestly I loved the ride. I stayed up until 6am multiple times reading this series and I’d do it again.
An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon. I loved this book so much that it’s the only book I reviewed on my basically abandoned attempt at a book blog. This book is haunting, horrifying, disturbing, dark, but so, so good. The character's voices were so specific and clear, the relationships so clearly affected by circumstance and yet loving in the ways they could be. This is my favorite portrayal of gender maybe ever, it’s just... I don’t even have the words but I saw a post @audible-smiles made about it that’s been rattling in my head since. And, “you gender-malcontent. You otherling,” as tender pillow talk??? Be still my heart. Be ready, though, this book has all the triggers.. it’s a .
Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender. This book called me out on my perspective on love. Also, it made me cry a lot. And it has two different interesting well-written romance storylines. And a realistic coming-into-identity narrative about a Black trans demiboy. And a nuanced discussion of college plans and what one might do after college. And some big beautiful romcom moments. I wish I had it in high school. I’m so glad I have it now! (trigger warning for transphobia & outing, but the people responsible are held accountable by the end, always treated as not okay by the narrative, and the MC’s friends, and like... this is ownvoices and it’s GOOD.)
The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern. My Goodreads review says, “I have no idea what happened, and I loved it.” That’s not wrong, but to delve deeper, this book has an ethereal feeling that you get wrapped up in while reading. Nothing makes sense but that’s just as it should be. You’re hooked. It is so atmospheric, so meta, so fascinating. I’ve seen so many people say they interpreted this character or that part or the ending in all different ways and it all makes sense. And it’s all of this with a gay main character and romance and the central theme, the central pillar being a love of and devotion to stories. Of course I was going to love it.
Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars: A Dangerous Trans Girl’s Confabulous Memoir by Kai Cheng Thom. “Because maybe what really matters isn’t whether something is true, or false. Maybe what matters is the story itself; what kinds of doors it opens, what kinds of dreams it brings.” This book was so good and paradigm shifting. It reminded me of #1 on this list in the way it turns real life experience and hard, tragic ones at that (in this case, of being a trans girl of color who leaves home and tries to make a life for herself in the city, with its violence), into a beautiful, haunting fable. Once upon a time.
I Wish You All the Best by Mason Deaver. I need to reread this book, as I read it during my most tranceful time of 2020 and didn’t write a review, so I forgot a lot. What I do remember is beautiful and important nonbinary representation, a really cute romance, an interesting parental and familial/sibling dynamic that was both heartbreaking and hopeful, and an on-page therapy storyline. Also Mason Deaver just left twitter but was an absolutely hilarious troll on it before leaving and I appreciate that (and they just published a Christmas novella that I have but haven’t read yet!)
The Truth Is by NoNieqa Ramos. It took a long time to trust this book but I’m so glad I did. It’s raw and real and full of grief and trauma (trigger warnings, that I remember, for grief, death (before beginning of book), and gun violence). The protagonist is flawed and gets to grow over the course of the book, and find her own place, and learn from the people around her, while they also learn to understand her and where she’s coming from. It’s got a gritty, harsh, and important portrayal of found family, messy queerness, and some breathtaking quotes. When I was 82% through this book I posted this update: “This book has addressed almost all of my initial hesitations, and managed to complicate itself beautifully.”
Anger is a Gift by Mark Oshiro. I wasn’t actually in the best mental health place to read this book when I did (didn’t quite understand what it was) but it definitely reminded me of what there is to fight against and to fight for, and broke my heart, and nudged me a bit closer to hope. The naturally diverse cast of characters was one of the best parts of this book. The romance is so sweet and tender and then so painful. This book is important and well-written but read it with caution and trigger warnings - it’s about grief and trauma and racism and police brutality, but also about love and community.
The Prey of Gods by Nicky Drayden. This is a sci-fi/fantasy/specfic mashup that takes place in near-future South Africa and has world-building myths with gods and demigoddesses and a trip to the world of the dead but also a genetically altered hallucinogenic drug that turns people into giant animals and a robot uprising and a political campaign and a transgender pop star and a m/m couple and all of them are connected. It’s bonkers. Like, so, so absolutely mind-breaking weird. And I loved it.
Crier’s War and Iron Heart by Nina Varela. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVED the amount of folktales they told each other with queer romances as integral to those stories, especially in Iron Heart. A conversation between the two leads where Crier says she wants to read Ayla like a book, and Ayla says she’s not a book, and Crier explains all the different ways she wants to know Ayla, like a person, and wants to deserve to know her like a person, made me weak. It lives in my head rent-free.
Queen’s Shadow by E.K. Johnston @ekjohnston . I listened to this book on Libby and then immediately listened to it at least one more time, maybe twice, before my borrow time ran out. I love Padmé, and just always wish that female Star Wars characters got more focus and attention and this book gave me that!! And queer handmaidens! And the implication that Sabé is in love with Padmé and that’s just something that will always be true and she will always be devoted and also will make her own life anyway. And the Star Wars audiobooks being recorded the way they are with background sounds and music means it feels like watching a really long detailed beautiful Star Wars movie just about Padmé and her handmaidens.
Sissy: A Coming of Gender Story by Jacob Tobia. I needed to read this. The way Tobia talks about their experience of gender within the contexts of college, college leadership, and career, hit home. I kept trying to highlight several pages in a row on my kindle so I could go back and read them after it got returned to the library (sadly it didn’t work - it cuts off highlights after a certain number of characters). The way they talk about TOKENISM they way they talk about the responsibilities of the interviewer when an interviewee holds marginalized identities especially when no one else in the room does!!! Ahhhh!!!
Bonds of Brass by Emily Skrutskie. Disclaimer for this one that the author was rightfully criticized for writing a Black main character as a white author (and how the story ended up playing into some fucked up stuff that I can’t really unpack without spoiling). But also, the author has been working to move forward knowing she can’t change the past, has donated her proceeds, and this book is really good? It has all the fanfic tropes, so much delicious tension, a totally unexpected plot twist that had me immediately rereading the book. This book was super fun and also kind of just really really good Star Wars fanfiction.
How To Be a Normal Person by T.J. Klune. This book was so sweet, and cute, and hopeful, and both ridiculous and so real. I had some trouble getting used to Gus’ voice and internal monologue, but I got into it and then loved every bit after. The ace rep is something I’ve never seen like this before (and have barely read any ace books but still this was so fleshed out and well rounded and not just like, ‘they’re obsessed with swords not sex’ - looking at you, Once & Future - and leaving it there.) This all felt like a slice of life and I feel like I learned about people while reading it. Some of the moments are so, so funny, some are vaguely devastating. I have been personally victimized by TJ Klune for how he ends this book (a joke, you will know once you read it) but it also reminds me of the end of the “You Are There” episode of Xena and we all know what the answer to that question was.... and I choose to believe the answer here was similar.
You Should See Me in a Crown by Leah Johnson. I wish I had this book when I was in high school. I honestly have complicated feelings about prom and haven’t really been seeking out contemporary YA so I was hesitant to read this but it was so good and so well-written, and had a lot of depth to it. The movie (and Broadway show) “The Prom” wants what this book has.
Plain Bad Heroines by Emily M. Danforth. I never read horror books, so this was a new thing for me. I loved the feeling of this book, the way I felt fully immersed. I loved how entirely queer it was. I was interested in the characters and the relationships, even though we didn’t have a full chance to go super deep into any one person but rather saw the connections between everyone and the way the stories matched up with each other. I just wanted a bit of a more satisfying ending.
Honorable Mention: reread in 2020 but read for the first time pre-2020
Red White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston. I couldn’t make this post without mentioning this book. It got me through this year. I love this book so much; I think of this book all the time. This book made me want to find love for myself. You’ve all heard about it enough but if you haven’t read this book what are you DOING.
In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan @sarahreesbrennan . I reread this one over and over too, both as text and as an audiobook. I went for walks when I had lost my earbuds and had Elliott screaming about an elf brothel loudly playing and got weird looks from someone walking their dog. I love this book so much. It’s just so fun, and so healing to read a book reminiscent of all the fantasies I read as a kid, but with a bi main character and a deconstruction of patriarchy and making fun of the genre a bit. Also, idiots to lovers is a great trope and it’s definitely in this book.
Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book is forever so important to me. I am always drawn in by how tenderly Sáenz portrays his characters. These boys. These boys and their parents. I love them. I love them so much. This is another one where I don’t even know what to say. I have more than 30 pages in my tag for this book. I have “arda” set as a keyboard shortcut on my phone and laptop to turn into the full title. This book saved my life.
Last Night I Sang to the Monster by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book hurts to read - it’s a story about trauma, about working through that trauma, healing enough to be ready to hold the worst memories, healing enough to move through the pain and start to make a life. It’s about found family and love and pain and I love it. It’s cathartic. And it’s a little bit quietly queer in a beautiful way, but that’s not the focus. Look up trigger warnings (they kind of are spoilery so I won’t say them here but if you have the potential to be triggered please look them up or ask me before reading)
Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine. When asked what my all time favorite book is, it’s usually this one. Gail Carson Levine has been doing live readings at 11am since the beginning of the pandemic shut down in the US, and the first book she read was Ella Enchanted. I’ve been slowly reading it to @mssarahpearl and am just so glad still that it has the ability to draw me in and calm me down and feels like home after all this time. This book is about agency. I love it.
Radio Silence by Alice Oseman @chronicintrovert . I’ve had this on my all-time-faves list since I read it a few years ago and ended up rereading it this year before sending a gift copy to a friend, so I could write little notes in it. It felt a little different reading it this time - as I get further away from being a teenager myself, the character voice this book is written in takes a little longer to get used to, but it’s so authentic and earnest and I love it. I absolutely adore this book about platonic love and found family and fandom and mental illness and abuse and ace identity and queerness and self-determination, especially around college and career choices. Ahhh. Thank you Alice Oseman!!!
Leia: Princess of Alderaan by Claudia Gray @claudiagray . I have this one on audible and reread it several times this year. I love the fleshing out of Leia’s story before the original trilogy, I love her having had a relationship before Han, and the way it would have affected her perspective. I also am intrigued by the way it analyses the choices the early rebellion had to make... I just, I love all the female focused new Star Wars content and the complexity being brought to the rebellion.
#red white and royal blue#aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe#osemanverse#star wars#queer books#lgbtq books#books#alice oseman#miri personal#wow this took so long but was so worth it!#long post#book recs#PS: if you've read any of these or have questions about any of these books#this is your formal invitation to talk to me about them!!!! even if i don't know you at all!#even if i don't follow you and even if you don't follow me!#my ask box is open anon is on!#original content
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lost without you | rain (3)
pairing: connor (rk800) x reader summary: You get patched up and reflect on the past you've been trying to get away from, Hank starts connecting the dots between you and Connor, and Connor finally accomplishes his mission. wc: 5.9k+ genre: angst, fluff, mentions of abuse warning
Rain: series — 01 | 02 | 03
a/n: huge shoutout to @rosieatron for all of the hilarious memes you’ve made about this short series!
Hank came as fast as he could, swearing under his breath as he heard a gunshot and another one proceeding the first. His pace quickened. He held his hand pistol in his hand as he approached the open door, the breeze playing with it, moving it back and forth. He saw the lock was busted and his senses sharpened. He didn’t know what he would find on the other side of that door but he was ready to find out.
He stepped in, gun held out to find two things: You and Connor laying on the floor (together?) and the deviant laying a few feet away, struggling to get back up. Hank moved to intercept the deviant before it tried its hand at a great escape.
“Ah, ah, ah.” Hank’s gun was trained on the deviant’s face. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” He walked over pulling him off the ground and sticking some handcuffs on him.
Then he moved his attention to the two of you. “Jesus,” He noticed Connor’s gaping hole in his shoulder. “Are the two of you alright?”
Connor turned to see Lieutenant Anderson standing behind him. “I’m fine, Lieutenant, but Officer (y/l/n) will need medical attention.” Connor gently situated you up right, careful to watch your injured arm. “She’s been shot in the arm.”
Just then, the sound of sirens filled the otherwise noiseless outdoors. A few cops rushed in, ready to fire, but lowered their weapons and moved to grab the suspect. Hank made his way over to you.
“Hey. Talk to me.” Hank kneeled by you, trying to get you to look him in the eye. When you did, a small grin took your face.
“I’m okay, it just hurts a bit, nothing a few Tylenol and some good medical care can’t take care of.” You made sure that answer was enough for him and continued to take a look at Connor. “Connor, on the other hand, is probably going to need some repairs.”
His LED blinked yellow at the mention of his name. He looked at Lieutenant Anderson, then back at you. “The repair process is quick and efficient, I should be fully restored by tomorrow.” He blinked a few times and did that head cock thing again.
“Good.” Hank moved to his feet. “I’m gonna go get the EMTs, they’ll probably be able to do something for you.”
“Lieutenant Anderson, I do not follow. I cannot be repaired by emergency medical -”
“Not for you. The girl.” Hank looked from Connor to you and then back to Connor.
“Oh.”
You laughed at his confusion and simple answer, it was cute after all. Connor watched you smile and could not help but feel his eyes light up too. Whenever you were happy, he was happy too.
Software Instability ^^^^^^^^^^^ [A9 EVIA]
...
The hospital lights were more bright and blinding than you last remembered, the brilliant white colors of the room bounced back and hit your eyes with no end. It took a few blinks and eventually your eyes were able to turn down its receptors enough to look around without immediately having to shut them again.
At least you knew where you were, it made the adjustment that much easier. Before, well, five years before, there were times where he just forced you in a car and drove. The only indication that could give you a clue as to where you were was the large billboards scattered along the interstates. You weren’t allowed to ask questions, no, it would be like a death sentence, so you only stared at the window and hoped it wasn’t somewhere remote. You also hoped this transition wasn’t permanent, maybe only a couple of days.
One time, you’d been forced to stay in the middle of the Nevada desert for two months with no access to a phone. Never again.
The machine beeping behind you gave you a perfect rhythm to think to as you stared out the window and watched the rain beat on the window with such a force, you thought shards of glass would shoot out at you. It takes you back to that day, if it hadn’t rained, if it wasn’t for the rain….
“Officer!” Connor waltzed through the door breaking off your memory. You were happy to see him, no doubt about it, but your face was still downtrodden and your eyes a bit glossy. You smiled and took a minute before you turned towards the sound of his voice.
The glass window betrayed your intentions as Connor saw your face in the reflection. “Officer (y/l/n), what seems to be the problem?” He stayed where he was, watching your eyes and face shift.
“Nothing.” You looked at him, your eyes now dazzling and upturned, the opposite from previously. Connor noted the way your hands tangled themselves together as you turned towards him. His heart sank. You still did not fully trust him. “Come here.” You patted on the bed.
Software Instability ^^^^^^^^^^^^ [A9 EVIAN]
Connor obeyed, waddling closer like a child. He made his perch on the end of your bed. His hands hung by his sides, his face attentive, but his eyes were turned down. The LED on his temple was whizzing a sad, despondent, yellow.
“Connor.” You leaned forward a bit waiting for his eyes to look at you, but they didn’t, instead pointed at the linoleum. “Connor.” Your voice prodded and you moved your head in a feeble attempt to get him to look at you. Finally, you reached out to cover his smooth hand with your own. “Connor.”
His eyes were captivated by the placement of your hand upon his own. He was shocked, if you did not trust him, why would you make a gesture such as this? He compelled his eyes to blink, just to make sure his sensors were picking up his visual information correctly. His head moved slowly to the side as his eyes slide up to yours, slanting slightly, trying to figure you out. How could you possibly be so complicated? Your words said one thing, but you did another. A ball of walking contradictions, one he desperately wanted to solve.
“What happened? You were just happy a second ago.” Your eyes squinted.
“I just don’t understand. You say one thing and do another, you say you’re fine when you’re clearly not. How does that help? How does that effectively communicate your emotions?” Connor watched you for a hint of a response, small head tilts, and exaggerated blinks.
You sighed and laughed a bit, it’s true. Humans do tend to say one thing and do another. Maybe it’s just a fault in your programming. “You’re right. We, humans, are a bit faulty when it comes to communicating how we really feel. I’ll try to be better about that.” You patted his hand. “How did your repairs go?”
He looked over at his shoulder as if you could see it. “They were able to repair everything to full functionality.”
“Good.” You leaned back, your arm splint and shoulder patches restricting your full backward movement. Air came out of your nostrils as you exhaled, your slight frustration and pain going out with it. Because you were no longer close enough, your hand slipped out of the reach of Connor’s.
His gears were turning on what you had mentioned earlier. He watched the white comforter with a piqued interest, then his eyes moved back to yours.
“Officer (y/l/n), you mentioned previously you were fine when in fact you weren’t. What is the problem?” Connor persisted, he was going to get some answers.
“Just remembering some things, it’s nothing to fret over. Sometimes when I think back to my past, I see things I wasn’t able to see before. I guess that’s the power of hindsight, huh?” You closed your eyes a moment, feeling your pulse start to rise. Or the power of experiencing powerful emotions.
Connor believed that was only partially the truth, but he would not push. He would get his answers eventually, maybe you truly were not ready to reveal what you were thinking. In the meantime, Connor moved a bit closer, the bedding scrunching up a bit as he scooted towards the head of the bead where you lay.
“Officer?” Your eyes slowly pried themselves open.
“Yes?”
“I know it is not in my programming, but I wanted to say, I’m glad you are alright.”
His words warmed a part of your stomach, pumping its way through your veins and slowly turning your limbs to jelly. Your brain couldn’t form coherent words so you opted to say nothing, hoping the big grin on your face and your warming cheeks would suffice.
Software Instability ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [A9 DEVIAN]
It did.
....
Hank eventually came to visit and uttered the words, “Wow, you look like shit.” You stifled an eye roll, hoping to convey that you were happy enough that he decided to come and visit. You, however, didn’t stifle your following remarks, “Says the man who’s like 50 and barely manages to comb his hair.”
He didn’t like that but chuckled to cover it up. One point you, zero for Lieutenant Anderson. He spoke to you a bit about how it was going with interrogating the deviant and how it was just like a normal case, Android abuse.
“Geez, the fucker had been beaten down so much, it’s no wonder he rebelled. I’d go bonkers.” Hank coughed a bit and moved to sit in the chair beside you, a cup of coffee in the paper cup he was holding.
“Anything else, any other signs of deviancy besides being tortured and beaten?” You had to be sure of everything.
“Naw. It’s a class A investigation.” Hank took a sip of his roasted low quality coffee beans. “Not like we haven’t seen something like this before.”
You nodded your head, your thoughts drifted to that night; stumbling in the rain, dizzy from exhaustion, trying to cover your tracks in the dirt beneath the tree cover. You blinked again, attempting to clear those thoughts.
“Anyway, Connor seems to miss your company.” He looked right at you, waiting for a reaction he was sure he was going to find. How much you stuck to that android raised his suspicions about the nature of the relationship between you two. Hank wasn’t convinced that an android could develop a crush on a human and vise versa, but if two people could make it happen, it was you two idiots. He swirled the coffee in his cup.
“Oh?” You turned towards him, your eyebrows raised. “I’ve only been gone a few days.” Your fingers knotted themselves together and Hank felt he was right about his hunch.
Hank upped the suspense of his response by taking a drink of disappointment, letting the brown, nearly tasteless liquid run down his throat. He felt your eyes on the side of his face as you waited for the answer. Yep, totally right. “He keeps looking over at your desk as if you’ll appear and starts throwing that damn coin around.”
He could have sworn he saw your face blush. “Well, tell him I’m getting released today and that I’ll be back tomorrow.”
“Uh huh. Well,” Hank stood. “I hope you get better soon, kid. We really could use your brain back down at the station instead of those nimrods.”
“I’ll see you soon, Lieutenant.”
“Uh huh.” He waltzed out of the room, another drink of liquid warmed his tongue and confirmed his suspicions were true. I always have to be the fucking wise guy.
...
There wasn’t anybody with when you signed yourself out of the hospital, not that you wanted there to be, right? You ambled through the oversized establishment, admiring the different colored tiles, the handprints that showed when you walked twenty-five feet, and the numbers on the rooms as you breezed past them. There was something so quiet and secluded yet spacious and open about hospitals that you couldn’t quite understand but you appreciated.
You pressed the button for the first floor as you stepped into the elevator, letting the pull to the ground relax you on your way out. Your blood froze as your eyes locked onto a jean jacket and a black beany. What? Trying to control your breathing, you swiftly sauntered out of the elevator and directly to your left, taking cover behind a wall. There’s no way, it isn’t possible. You were sure you had covered your tracks enough. Suddenly, he moved in your direction, but there was no way to go but up on an open staircase. You didn’t hesitate to move towards the first step. Your legs propelled themselves quickly but not fast enough to draw alarm. You heard footsteps right behind you. Shit. You hastily moved up the steps and jumped into the first room you saw, a bathroom thank goodness. Throwing yourself through the door, heart racing, your fingers fumbled over the lock before you heard the click as it sank into place.
Backing up, you leaned your body against the wall, taking a few breaths. Okay, calm down. You’re safe now. Your hand moved to stop over your heart to find it still racing. Closing your eyes, you controlled your breathing and brought your pulse down. You stayed in there a few minutes longer than necessary as you peeked around the corner with the man to be found no longer.
Letting the bathroom door close behind you, you nearly sprinted down the staircase and out to the parking garage across the street. Connor put your car on the second level, spot 26. You didn’t wait as you burst through another set of stairs and on up to the orange level. It was relatively close to the door you flew out of and you drew your keys briskly, tapping the unlock button and chucking the door open. Shutting it with an audible echo, you hit the lock button as if your life depended on it.
You took a few breaths and smoothed your hair, it couldn’t possibly be him, could it?
....
“He’s locked up, probably going to be disassembled.” Hank walked with you out of interrogation block and back to your desk.
“Why disassembled? Shouldn’t we give him a second chance like we give most criminals around here?” You sat down at your desk and held your chin.
“The rules are different for androids.” He shrugged and scooted closer to the computer screen.
“They shouldn’t be.” You swiveled around to pull up some files when Connor waltzed around the corner.
“What shouldn’t be, Officer?” He set some coffee down on Hank’s desk and Hank picked up, tilting his salute at him.
“That android, it shouldn’t be disassembled. We haven’t even given him a chance to fix his mistakes, immediately determining him a fall risk and shutting him down. We don’t do that with our other criminals, why just with androids?”
Connor’s LED moved to yellow as he thought about your statement, observing how passionate you seemed about the topic. He also found you shared information with him willingly, instead of aiming for your classical answer of, nothing, or fine. He felt that you trusted him more and more every time you spoke. He was making progress, getting closer to accomplishing his mission.
Hank looked at the android lost for words, wondering why he hadn’t responded yet. Then became more intrigued as time passed, if he wasn’t conflicted about the question, he would have answered by now. Hmm.
“The justice system has set standards and codes for the safety of humans and the upbringing of an-”
“I know, Connor. I just don’t think it’s fair.” You ran your hands through your hair and turned your attention back to the computer screen.
Connor’s LED moved to red and his head cocked as if he was going to add something to the conversation, his lips slightly parted, but he opted not to. He felt as if the conversation died the moment the two of you broke eye contact, that this mysterious energy he could sense through your gaze kept the two of you in this sphere where you could connect and talk but it was gone. He felt a little empty to be honest, like a book without an ending.
Hank took in the android’s behavior and squinted at him looking at you. “Connor.”
Connor turned his attention to Lieutenant Anderson. “Yes, Lieutenant.”
“Are you alright?”
His LED moved down to yellow. “Yes,” then blue. “I’m okay.”
“Whatever you say, Connor.”
Connor stood stunned into silence. What is going on with the humans?
...
Connor sat on the couch with Lieutenant Anderson, patiently waiting for you to arrive at the house of the Lieutenant. The Lieutenant sat watching the television with replays of what he learned to be a gaming show called “Family Feud.” He was lost at the prospect of there being a feud, more like just a temporary opposition, like opponents have in a game. These families clearly do not know each other and have not met before being on this show so it is not possible for there to be a feud.
“Neck! Neck, Alyssa, neck! Goddamnit! Why would she say brain?” Lieutenant Anderson threw up his arms in exasperation.
“Lieutenant, how can there be a feud? These families have no qualms with each other.” Connor turned his head sideways and moved his eyes to the side as he thought and then back at the Lieutenant.
“I don’t know and to be completely honest, I do not care. Now, shut up, I want to hear this.” Lieutenant waved at him. Connor did not understand this gesture either, but he did understand shut up, so he moved from the couch to the kitchen table where Sumo sat, curled into a little ball of warmth.
“Hello, Sumo.” Connor sat on the floor and reached his arm out to pet him. Sumo didn’t purr like a cat did, but his tail started wagging and that was enough indication that Sumo appreciated what he was doing. A smile formed on Connor’s face, happy that he could bring some comfort to the dog in front of him.
“Connor, get back in here!” Lieutenant Anderson’s voice rang from the sofa even though Connor was only a few steps behind him.
“Coming, Lieutenant.” He gave Sumo one last pat on the head before moving to rejoin the Lieutenant.
“And for God sakes, call me Hank. The whole Lieutenant thing gets on my nerves.”
“Sure thing,” Connor sat back on the couch. “Hank.” He smiled at the Lieutenant.
Hank watched Connor, “What’s going on with you and Officer (y/l/n)?” Connor’s LED flashed yellow. Ha!
“I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about, Hank.” Connor’s eyebrows scrunched up and his eyes shifted again.
“I’ve seen the way the light on your forehead changes whenever someone mentions her and I’ve seen the way you look at her. Is there something going on between you two?”
Connor was not positive what he meant by something going on, but he came to the conclusion - by Hank’s previous descriptions - that he was referring to something romantically inclined.
“Hank, are you implying that me and Officer (y/l/n) are romantically interested in each other?”
Hank coughed a bit and looked away. “In a very indirect way, yes.”
“Oh.” Connor moved his head towards the television screen and played back the time he spent with you. If he pinpointed the way he felt in those moments, then maybe it was so. Maybe he did take an interest with you in that way. He did want to be around you whenever he could, if you went into a dangerous situation alone, he wanted to be there, to protect you, and when you did not open up to him, it affected him greatly. He wanted you to trust him and the fact that you did not still nagged him, eating at the back of his mind.
Software Instability ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [A9 DEVIANT]
“Well? Do you? Connor, it is okay if you do, she’s fantastic.”
“Hank, I’m not sure what I’m feeling. I’m not supposed to be able to feel anything.” Connor's eyes widened as he realized what was happening.
“It’s okay, son.” Hank clapped Connor on the back of the shoulder. “We’ve all been through it at some point in our lives.”
Connor was still searching for some logical answer to the emotions running through his head but he found none. Deviants felt the same things, their actions becoming irrational as a result of emulating emotions. His actions could not be irrational, could they be?
Sumo started barking, moving to the door and wagging his tail fondly. “What is it, Sumo?” Hank called moving from the couch. There was a knock at the door and Connor’s thirium pump speed up noticeably. Connor put a hand over where his mechanical heart lay, feeling it beat irregularly fast.
“(y/n), come in.” Hank opened the door wider to give you more room to walk in. Sumo launched himself at your legs and you bent down to rub him on the head. “Hey there, little man.” Sumo stuck his tongue out and rubbed his head against your bent knee.
Connor watched this whole exchange staring at your face, LED yellow, and a small grin lifting up the corner of his mouth.
Software Instability ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [rA9 DEVIANT]
[Path Unlocked]
“Hello, Officer.”
You looked up from Sumo, to see him smiling. You weren’t sure why, maybe something Hank said earlier, but you created a smirk that mirrored his own. “Hi, Connor.”
....
Hank wanted to get the whole gang together to celebrate a job well done and to just have a night where the three of you could relax and talk together. After Connor spent a couple hours watching you and Hank down some beverages and speak out answers to that gaming programming, his mind drifted to Larkyn Cavallion and the way you evaded some of the questions he had asked that night he escorted you to your apartment. He did not want to pry but if he was going to accomplish his mission, he needed answers and that is what he was going to get.
“Officer (y/l/n), may I ask you a question?” He followed you to the kitchen on the way to refill the chip bowl.
“Sure.” You poured the chips into the bowl, the plastic of the bag crinkling as you shook it.
“Why were you giving me curt answers the last time I came to your apartment?”
You looked at him and narrowed your eyes, what was he getting at? “Because they didn’t need that long of a response.”
“What about ‘Larkyn Cavallion’?”
At this name you froze, eyes wide, stance stoic. Your eyes widened further but you didn’t answer him, only moved away from his position to the couch to put the bowl down.
“Officer, what’s wrong?”
“Connor, I don’t want to talk about this right now.”
“When do you want to? Something is bothering you and I want to help.”
“What if you can’t?!” Even Hank looked up at the both of you. Your gaze slowly moved towards him and his LED jumped to yellow as he saw the terror in your eyes. “What if you can’t help me, huh, Connor?”
“I didn’t mean to upset you -”
“No.” You tried to control your breathing. “This is not your fault.” You sighed. “I’ve been going through this thing for a long time and I -” You took a breath and felt the silence in the room weighing heavily on you like a pressure weighing on your shoulders.
You turned to Hank, “Thank you for the hospitality, Hank, but I think I should go.” You set the chip bowl down and grabbed your coat off the rack. You didn’t utter a word to Connor as you hustled your way out the door, patting Sumo on the head before you swung the door open. The door closed firmly behind you and Connor could not help but feel as if this was all his fault.
“What the hell was that about?” Hank turned to Connor who was still staring at the door.
“I don’t know. I was just asking a question.” Connor trailed off, trying to process what went wrong.
“Well, it pissed her off.” Hank watched Connor stuck in a daze. “What are you standing there for? Go after her.” He waved at the door.
“I don’t know what to do, Hank.” He looked at him with the eyes of a puppy dog.
“Connor, just talk to her. Ask the things she’s uncomfortable about, ask the things you’ve been itching to know about her. If you’re ever going to make a breakthrough, it’s now.”
Connor still stood there.
“Move your ass, Connor.” Hank gave him a push, it was enough to make him stumble forward.
That was all Connor needed as he took off into the pouring rain.
...
Your doorbell rang, but you sat on your sofa, watching the rain bead its way down the glass. To be frank, you didn’t feel like conversing right now, Connor’s questions opened up enough anxiety within you. Maybe it was time to leave again, maybe it was time for a fresh start, a clean slate. You rarely stayed in one place for longer than six months, it was what you had promised yourself in order to survive, in order to get a chance to live by your rules.
The buzzer sounded again.
The irritation in your veins started to boil over, why won’t they just go away? You didn’t answer the door for strangers, another part of moving frequently.
“Officer (y/l/n), I came to talk with you. I apologize for my behavior earlier, can we discuss it?”
Now you were really irritated. The last person you wanted to see right now was standing right outside your door. It wasn’t really the questions that upset you, it was how close he was to connecting the dots that teed you off. You’d worked so hard to maintain a low profile and Connor almost shot it to pieces with a few simple inquiries.
You sat for a second longer before pushing yourself off of the couch and looking through the peephole to make sure it was Connor. No matter how much you told yourself you wanted to run away, it was time to stop running, it was time to face the music, and that started with telling Connor the truth.
You took a deep breath and opened the door. His warm chocolate eyes greeted you, hair a bit disheveled from the rain, with a concerned look in his eyes, LED a buzzing yellow.
“Come in.” You opened the door wider.
Connor stepped in, immediately turning to you, his mouth moving a thousand miles a minute. “Officer (y/l/n), I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset, I took notice that you’ve been acting a bit strange. You’ve been on edge and evasive whenever I asked about what happened in the house when we were trying to catch the deviant, the name under your lease - which I discovered on accident -, and the way you furnish and decorate your living space. I want you to trust me. I want -”
You held up a hand to stop him from continuing. “It’s (y/n).”
He looked at you confused and jerked his head forward a little.
“My name. It’s (y/n). You don’t have to call me Officer (y/l/n) all the time, it seems a bit formal.”
Oh.
“(y/n),” He tested the name out. It was a beautiful name, but he was getting distracted and that was not the purpose of his visit.
“Do you want to sit?” You walked into the living room and he followed closely, eager to get the heart of what he came to talk about.
“(y/n), I -”
“I had an abusive boyfriend, well almost abusive, but very controlling.” You broke out, better to get to what he wanted to know - more like what he was going to figure out. “The alias, Larkyn Cavallion, was one I took on so that way he wouldn’t find me, it’s pretty far from my actual name.”
Connor’s LED turned a furious red as images played through his head of a previous boyfriend even thinking of doing even close to harmful things to you. His skin was on fire and he felt flames in his eyes. No one would ever be able to do that to you as long as he were around, he would assure that.
“I’ve been on the run for about five years, trying to escape him, and evade the chance that he might find me again.” You sat with your hands folded. Your voice was emotionless, but you felt a tidal wave of emotion flowing within you.
It felt as if you were free falling, all these memories you’ve tried to suppress finally breaking away from you and this invisible pressure lifting, but you were still falling. You were falling with no guarantee that something would catch you when the ground came into view, nor any certainty that this wouldn’t end in flame and ash. It was a leap of faith in the literal sense and you had to put your trust in Connor, an android, and believe that he wouldn’t spread this information like wildfire, but something inside you told you he wouldn’t.
You spared him a glance and couldn’t take the fire you saw in his orbs, so you looked beyond him. “The day I got away from him, I remember feeling something inside me break, like there was this fog that I was so obscured by that I couldn’t even see what was happening to me, like what was really happening. It felt as if it cleared and suddenly my brain started replaying all our conversations and moments, seeing them in a new light. I don’t know what brought on that wake-up call, but it hit and I knew it didn’t matter how or by what means I used to get out, I just needed to go.” Your hands started shaking and you took a deep breath to steady your voice so it wouldn’t shake.
“I stopped thinking about our entire relationship, I stopped wondering where I went wrong and how I didn’t see it earlier, I stopped pondering why I had let it go this far, I shut it all down. I had to. I grabbed all the cash I had, a couple pairs of clothes, a hat, and my coat and took off.
“He would be home at 3:45, it was 3:35 when I left. I had ten minutes to get as far away from that house as I could. So I ran, I ran through the pouring rain, ran through the tears, ran from that abusive, toxic person, and ran to a new life.
“I cut through the woods, but I forgot he would definitely see my footprints and a little while later I heard his truck. I went thirty minutes out of my way, creating a false trail with my shoes so that I could work my way onto a road and start stepping on leaves so that he couldn’t see the outline of my boots in the dirt. When I turned directions and looked behind me, the rain had been coming down so hard, my footprints were barely visible. I knew I had a chance, so I took off for the bus station.
“I hopped the first one I saw, bought a ticket to go literally anywhere, and as the bus pulled out of the station, I knew, I knew , that if there had not been a torrential downpour that day, he would have easily found me and dragged me back.
“The rain,” you paused, smiling at how significant something most people think is so little is for you. “The rain saved my life. The rain saved me from more years of emotional torture and abuse. The rain gave me a chance to live again.” You stopped, looking at Connor watching you with something soft in his gaze. He got up from the armchair and sat right next to you, waiting for you to continue.
“Since then, I’ve never lived in a place more than six months, I put a false name of the lease, I get a new license plate everytime my birthday comes around, I never make friends because I don’t want to leave any indication that I was around. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to become invisible.” Your eyes turned down towards your hands again, but Connor put his on top of yours, giving it a slight comforting, squeeze, just to let you know that he cared.
“Afterwards, I went through so many emotions, I couldn’t even tell you all of them, I just remember being hyper-aware of everything, all of my surroundings, all the time. I felt like I had to out of fear of him coming back. So now, I’m here, sitting with you, talking about this, for the first time in five years.” You finally looked at him again and saw his LED soften to blue.
“I’m not equipped with comforting people, but I do know that I’m very glad you were able to leave him and that you were able to live life as you should be able to. I understand why you acted the way that you did and I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable. I was attempting to try to help, but perhaps it wasn’t the right way of approaching it. I just wanted you to be able to talk to me and feel like you can rely on me.” Connor watched a smile break out on your face.
“Well, you got your wish.” You stared at him just as intently as he was staring at you. Connor felt his heart rate speed up again and his cheeks start to flush a bright blue, he had an urge to lean in and kiss you, but he shoved it down. He decided you didn’t need that right now, especially with all you’ve experienced, right now, you could probably use a good meal.
“(y/n)? Would you like me to make you something?” Connor watched your eyes light up, correct answer.
“That would be wonderful, Connor.” Connor got up to proceed to the kitchen, but you tugged on his sleeve a bit. “Wait.” You pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. “Thank you, thank you for listening to me, Connor.” You wrapped your arms around him and felt him return the embrace. He was not good with emotions but he was getting better. Watching all that television helped him understand more about these displays of affection. He felt comforted and good having you in his arms, he felt like he was protecting you.
“I’ll be here anytime you need me.” He hummed in response, holding you a little tighter.
[Mission Accomplished]
[Next Task: Take (y/n) on a date]
Connor would definitely fulfill that goal, you could count on that.
....
a/n: I am not in anyway knowledgeable on the topic of abuse, this is just for creative purposes only. If you are struggling with abuse or in an emotionally toxic relationship, please call 1−800−799−7233 or go to https://www.thehotline.org/ if you have an electronic device that is not monitored. Please, please get help. You are not alone, you are never alone, please, please remember that. I love you guys and want to see you physically, emotionally, and psychologically healthy.
#connor x reader#connor fic#rk800 x reader#connor (rk800) x reader#rk800 fic#rain#rain series#rain: rk800#connor is just a sweetheart#and he just means so well to the reader#still trying to figure it all out too#just a super cute series that can explore abuse but not in a crazy triggering way
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You Will Never Understand My Everything
Warning- Sensitive Subject Matter Regarding Racism and Police Brutality
“Hey babe, do you know where the extra gumball tubes are?” Henry asks while walking through the door.
Charlotte jumps slightly, sniffles and wipes at the tears streaming down her face with the back of her hands. She was so focused on her phone that she didn’t hear Henry come in at all.
Plus she purposely chose to hide out in the storage room because no one really went in there. She wasn’t expecting for anyone to find her at all, especially not in such a vulnerable state.
“What’s wrong Char?” came the concerned voice of her boyfriend.
“Nothing. It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.” Charlotte mumbles while standing from her crisscrossed position on the floor. She eyes her shoelaces and dusts off her jeans nervously.
Henry steps further into her space, lifts her head with a finger to the chin and attempts to make eye contact. Her eyes are red and puffy.
“It doesn’t seem like nothing. You’re clearly upset. What’s going on?”
“It’s personal. You wouldn’t get it anyway.”
A flash of hurt flickers in Henry’s eyes and he nods. “Okay. Well if you decide that it is something, let me know.”
Henry backs up slowly and then turns to leave the room. He walks back into the Man Cave with a frown on his face. There is obviously a problem, Henry has never seen her cry in all their years of knowing each other.
He contemplates his girl’s words. I wouldn’t get it? Personal? What is that supposed to mean? I thought we told each other everything.
Ray had recently started participating in what he called Superhero Self-Care Sunday. He was currently in a full face mask with his head rested back against the edge of the couch and cucumbers over his eyes.
Henry walks over to the other side and plops down moodily.
Ray whips his head in Henry’s direction, cucumbers flying. He gives him an annoyed glare for disturbing his peace.
“Why are you being so noisy?”
“I haven’t said one word.”
“Yeah, well your teenage angst is loud.”
Henry rolls his eyes in response.
“Who peed in your cereal?”
“Eww dude. No one peed anywhere. It’s just Charlotte.”
“She finally realized that she was slumming it with you and kicked you to the curb?”
“What?! No!”
“It’s true though” Schowz gives his unsolicited opinion from his spot at the console.
“We did not break up!”
“Then what’s got your panties in a twist?”
“I wear boxers.”
“Whatevs” Ray says while swatting the air in nonchalance.
Henry sighs. “Something is upsetting Char but she won’t tell me what it is.”
“Wait. You’re mad that your girlfriend isn’t complaining to you about all her troubles?” Ray asks incredulously.
“That doesn’t seem like an issue to me” says the shorter man while walking towards them.
“Ugh. You guys don’t understand. She was crying. When have you ever seen her do that?”
Both men looked stumped while trying to think of a single instance where Charlotte had let tears fall in front of them.
“I know! There was that one time when she cried about missing that really good sale for crop tops” Ray offered.
“That was Jasper” Henry deadpanned.
“Oh yeeeeeaaaahhh” he agrees.
“Jasper is strange” adds Schowz.
“Hm. I guess that is out of the ordinary. So what was wrong with her?”
“I don’t know! That’s the whole point.”
“Right. I forgot.”
“Did you ask what caused her sadness?” the foreigner wondered.
“Of course I did! She blew me off. Said that I wouldn’t get it.”
“Maybe she thought that you couldn’t handle it.” “She probably doesn’t trust you” the two older men say at the same time.
“You guys are no help” Henry says frustratedly while getting up from the couch and walking towards the elevator.
“Where are you going?” Ray inquires.
“Away from you” came the reply as the blonde stepped into the elevator.
“Rude” he mutters under his breath before picking up a cucumber from the table and biting into it.
Once upstairs Henry walked towards Jasper who was at the register.
“Hey Hen, how goes it?”
“Bad Jasp. It goes bad.”
“What? Why?” Jasper asks confused.
“Charlotte is going through something but she won’t tell me what it is.”
“Ok and?”
“What do you mean ‘Ok and?’ Char is keeping things from me.”
“Yeah but it sounds like she wants to work through it alone. It probably doesn’t concern you.”
“Charlotte and I always tell each other everything.”
“You guys don’t tell each other everything, that’s impossible. Look, I get that you don’t want to see her hurting.”
“Why does it sound like a but is coming?”
“But...if she has something happening that she wants to keep to herself, then you have to respect that.”
“I hate seeing her so broken up, I want to help her through whatever it is.”
“You have to understand that you aren’t entitled to her every thought and feeling just because you guys are dating. That’s bonkers.”
“I guess you’re right. When did you get so wise dude?”
“I don’t really know. Maybe it’s just my natural state of being.” Jasper responds while trying to lean his elbow against the counter.
Except he underestimates how far away the counter really is and ends up almost falling when his elbow meets air.
“Yeah, natural state of being alright.”
Henry leaves Jasper in the front and takes the tubes back down. When the tube lifts he notices that Charlotte is sitting at the couch with her forehead on the table. Schowz and Ray are nowhere to be seen.
He walks towards her and clears his throat. She glances up in surprise. “I thought you left?”
Henry sits down. “I was in the store with Jasper.”
A few agonizing seconds go by while the couple just stare at each other.
“Listen I didn’t mean...” “I just wanted to...” they start simultaneously.
Both stopping and then nervously chuckling, Charlotte jumps in, “You go.”
“I’m sorry for trying to pressure you into telling me what was wrong. I just hate seeing you so down in the dumps.”
“No, I’m sorry for hurting your feelings. I didn’t mean for what I said to come out so harsh. Thank you for caring.”
“I will always care. I love you Char.”
A soft smile spreads over her face. “I love you too Hen.”
Henry leans in and presses a sweet kiss against her lips. Sucking in a deep breath, Charlotte releases it slowly.
“The reason why I was-“
“You don’t have to tell me” Henry interrupts.
“I know, I want to.”
“Okay” he nods and gives her his undivided attention.
“The reason why I was crying earlier is because I stumbled across the video of Tyrell Watkins getting shot by the police.”
“I haven’t seen it. What happened?”
“Routine traffic stop. The cop said that his car matched the description of a stolen vehicle. His daughter was also in the car, she got it all on Facebook live.
“Was it?”
“Was it what?”
“Stolen?”
“No, the car wasn’t stolen!”
“It seems like a pretty big mistake on the officer’s part. That guy should sue when he gets out of the hospital.”
“That guy’s name is Tyrell. And he can’t sue.”
“Why not?”
“He’s dead.”
“Huh?”
“Tyrell is dead. The officer killed him.”
“Oh my god.”
“The cop asked for his registration and when he went to get it, he shot him several times.”
Silent tears stream down Charlotte’s face as she struggles to get her words out. “The officer is claiming that he saw him reaching for a gun.”
“I-I don’t understand.”
“What don’t you understand?” Char sniffs.
“The officer asked him to get something and then shot him for following directions?”
“Yep.”
“That can’t be the whole situation. We must be missing something.”
“We aren’t missing anything Henry. That’s the entire scenario.”
“Can I see the video?”
“It’s pretty graphic. Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
After seeing the video Henry was seemingly more confused and upset. “I can’t believe this. What kind of half-assed training did this officer get? He needs to be fired!”
“It’s not just training Hen. If this was you or Ray, it never would have ended like this.
Henry looked up from the phone with questioning eyes. “What do you mean?”
“You would have been annoyed to have been stopped unnecessarily but you would’ve survived to complain about it later. This turned out horribly because the man was black.”
“No... I don’t think- It can’t be... I’m not sure if- You really think so?”
“I know so. The cop shot into the car with a minor in the passenger seat. She could have been shot as well! The girl is around your sister’s age. If your dad and Piper were pulled over there wouldn’t even be a video. She wouldn’t have recorded anything at all. Why does that little girl even know to film the police?”
“I’m not sure why she pulled out her phone. But I’m definitely glad that she is okay.” Henry answers while scratching his head.
“Because as black people we know that we are disproportionately targeted by the police. We know that recording is the only way to hold them accountable. We also know that even with the evidence of misconduct, officers still literally get away with murder!”
“I-“ Henry starts.
Charlotte stands abruptly. “And another thing! The daughter may be okay physically but she is mentally traumatized. Not only will she never see her father again, she watched him get killed right in front of her. She is forever scarred!”
“Did you know him?”
“No. I didn’t know him personally. But I didn’t have to know him to know that he didn’t deserve to die.” Charlotte slumps back into her seat.
Observing his girlfriend, it seemed as if she was weary down to her bones. Like the sorrow she felt went down to her very core. Like she was defeated.
Lost for words and recognizing that he didn’t have a way to make it all better, Henry wrapped his arms around Charlotte in a tight, comforting hug.
He wanted to communicate how much he wished that the world they lived in wasn’t so filled with hate. How he knows that he can never truly comprehend what it means to be Black in a White world. How he was so angry that this was the reality she faced.
But that wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t fix systematic racism. It wouldn’t bring Tyrell Watkins back to life.
So all he could do at this moment was show her that he loved her and that he would always be there for her.
She sighed and closed her eyes as she rested her cheek against his chest.
“We will never be unarmed when our skin color is seen as a weapon” she whispers.
#Charlotte Page#Henry Hart#Charlotte Bolton#Kid Danger#Chenry#Henry Danger#Riele Downs#Jace Norman#Jasper Dunlop#Ray Manchester#Schowz Schwartz#Nickelodeon
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Sticky Notes
Summary: Someone is leaving Daenerys Targaryen sticky notes with quotes of love on them all around the office. She doesn't know who it is, but when it click, her world will never be the same.
Notes: So this year, I am taking part in a challenge on tumblr by user @jonerysfics and @mhysaofdragons in which for seven days from Valentines day I am uploading a new one shot. So Day 1, 14th February, which is when I'm uploading this, the prompt I chose was 'Secret Admirer'. This is the story I came up with.
Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17780852
--------
Another one.
Daenerys grabbed the pink sticky note from her computer screen and eyed the writing. Calligraphy, handwriting that wasn’t familiar to her in the moment. The fountain pen used for this had danced across the paper surface with freedom and expression, the same as before.
Someone was leaving her love notes across the office, someone in the company she worked for. How did they know she was single and wanting a date anyway? They were clearly just assuming as it was Valentine’s Day at the end of the week. She quickly places the notes in her folder without anyone else seeing, sliding it amongst the pile of other she’d found that week.
You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams - Dr. Seuss.
And the quote, of similar calibre to ones her frantic eyes had read on the others. She didn’t mind, in fact, it made her flush like a woman who had never been complimented before. But this was crazy, she had no possible clue who could be leaving her these notes.
She’d made a list of the potential men who could’ve left the note and had reasonable grounds to believe it was none of them, almost all of the men in the office were married or gay, so who on this plain of existence was leaving her the notes? Sliding into her lumbar support chair, she opens her notepad to the list of potential men and went through the list with suspicion.
Jaime Lannister was a man in a position of wealth near the top of the ranks in the company, but that was unlikely, he was spending Valentine’s with his sister who had just endured a bad divorce, to take her mind off of things. He was a man of good looks, but the calligraphy was certainly not his, she’d read his reports and the typos present was enough to know this wasn’t his work.
Gendry Waters was head over heels for Arya Stark, head of communications, so unless she’s beaten him up and finally forced him to move on then she completely doubted that it was him. The boy man spent most of his day talking about her or making excuses to visit her department and leaving Daenerys love notes was not on that same line of thinking.
Frustrated, Dany shuts the notepad and decides she can’t even focus on her paperwork without some coffee in her system. So, asking the others at their desks if they wanted a drink and not getting a single reply from anyone (everyone seemed to be grump today) she toddled off to the staff room for a caffeine boost.
Head of Administration, can pick out a mistake in a report from a mile away but cannot deduce who is leaving her love notes around the office. And that no one else had noticed was even more of an intriguing factor for her. The fact that the bright pink heart sticky notes had been dotted everywhere with this beautiful blue inked calligraphy had not been seen by another human was completely mind boggling to her.
She pushes the heavy staff room door open, her small, slender frame sliding through as others come out of the way to let her by. Once she passed through the door, she quickly walked over to her locker in which she keeps her special coffee that no one else is allowed to touch.
Searching for the keys in her small jacket pocket, she finds the right combination on her lock before twisting the key in the mechanism and opening it. Her breath catches in her throat as the locker door swings open, revealing her mug and her coffee, with a little pink love heart stuck on the mug.
How?
Her heart is hammering fast in her chest, pumping oxygen quickly around her body as she tries to keep her breathing going. She can’t, she’s speechless, shocked. How had they got into her locker? How did they know the combination? And how did they manage to resist her special coffee? Surely there’s a security risk with this… unless it was security?
I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once - John Green
Her eyes scanned the note, completely frozen into the spot her feet were placed. All of these notes, admissions of love that Dany had never known before. Destruction, that’s all her relationships had been, fiery chasms which were doomed from the start. Yet this person, so effortlessly loved her, or at least admired her enough to wonder what it was like to love her.
She grabbed her mug and coffee, and slammed the locker shut for short of not wanting to be missing from the office for too long, but her mind was racing. Images in her mind of a faceless man, mysterious yet handsome, his hands touching her, his arms embracing her. It had been a while, for it wasn’t like her to just go with random guys in bars or clubs. But loneliness was deeply rooted in her, and like all women, they find the right time will eventually come.
What was she even thinking? A man or woman even, that she did not know of, was leaving her love notes in the office, opening their heart in a way that was completely unexpected and she should find it odd, peculiar. Yet her she was, emotionally affected in the opposite way, it was endearing, sweet.
No Jaime Lannister could concoct this together, no Gendry Waters would even find the time to think of her in this moment, so who was it? Who was leaving these morsels of affection for her? She couldn’t think as she switched the kettle on and filled her coffee mug with a spoonful of her special blend.
She needed milk, she somehow remembered, as images fill her mind of every outcome of this thing that had been happening. Maybe it was someone from the basement, on of the dodgy technicians who can’t even say a word to her when she goes down to complain, who just sweat nervously and scamper away. It would be a disappointment if it was.
She opened the fridge, her heart in her mouth as she prayed it wasn’t one of them, but it all stopped again when she spied the same colour and writing attached to her small carton of orange lidded milk. 1% fat, perfect for the amount of caffeine she intakes for the day, now sporting a ig, pink heart on it.
Everyone knew the orange was hers, so this wouldn’t be something hard for people to find out, but the fact that someone had gone to this effort, when if they’d liked her they should’ve just asked. Maybe they were scared, had a fear of rejection. Or maybe they wanted to play with her emotions like some sick freak who got off on toying with her. Maybe it was none of those things.
If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever - Alfred Tennyson.
Daenerys Targaryen had never blushed like she had in this moment, she wondered what all this would come to, whether she would find out who it was and what they possibly wanted from her. The idea that someone is so consumed and in awe of a simple girl like herself was completely bonkers, that he thought on her daily and would be able to create an Eden for them both to glide through.
Feeling stressed, she put both notes in her pocket, placed her coffee back in her locker and made the coffee with haste. A few minutes later, she was returning to her desk with a headache from thinking too much and a conundrum she was sure to fail in figuring out.
Sliding in her seat, she pulled the two notes out of her pocket and added them to the other fourteen now present in her folder. She put the folder away, and booted her computer. She needed to focus on the work, she had a lot to do that week and she couldn’t be distracted by someone’s obsession with her. Even if she wanted nothing more than to know who it was, she had priorities.
“Miss. Targaryen” Daenerys hears Jaime Lannister say from across the room about one hour into her shift, her mind forcing her to think about work and numbers and emails and orderings so that she doesn’t linger on the pink hearts. She looks at the man impatiently as if she was annoyed he’d disturbed her momentary peace. She notices he’s holding the phone from his desk in her hand. “Boss wants a word”
“Oh, okay” She shakes her head and straightens herself up. She nods in Jaime’s direction as a thank you before gathering herself and beginning a walk up to Boss’ office. It was top floor and while most people took the elevators, Dany preferred the stairs, it got her exercise in.
If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever, We accept the love we think we deserve, I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul, One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving, You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.
She couldn’t help but think about all the messages she’d received over the past few days, notions of love and affection that made her feel gooey. Now wasn’t the time, especially when she had been summoned by the boss. He’ll be wanting an update on Gendry’s progress she suspected, he was a new starter and was coming up to his review period. But all she could think off was this secret admirer.
She reached his office on the top floor of the building and knocked when his secretary outside said it was okay for her to enter. She opened the door and breathed in a little when the smell of lemons and mint hit her nose. It was always pleasant when she entered the office, that familiar smell was almost comforting to her. He could fire her and she’d still be calm.
“Good Morning, Mr. Snow” She uttered politely, smiling and wandering over to his desk. He was writing something on the computer, his glasses on the edge of his nose as he began clicking the screen with his mouse. He looked up from the table and his eyes met hers.
“Hello, Daenerys” His gruff, northern accent chimed as he finished his last bits of business on the computer, a small smirk present on the corner of his lips. She hardly saw him, maybe only once every few weeks as he was always working between the three different buildings they had in the city, but she always forgot how young he was for a CEO and how handsome he was. “Please, take a seat”
She nods before sitting opposite him, nerves kicking in as to what he wanted to say to her. “So, Mr. Lannister said you wanted to see me about something, sir?”
“Daenerys…” He started with a sigh, deep and clear across the room it sounded. “How many times do I have to ask you to call me Jon and not sir? You make me feel ancient when you address me as such”
“Only every time we talk, sir” Dany meekly grinned.
“From now on, it’s Jon, okay?” He warned. She just nodded, them both knowing she wouldn’t do as such and would still refer to him as sir or Mr. Snow. “So, I just wanted a quick chat, don’t worry you’ve done nothing wrong, quite the opposite actually” He mused. “I’ve been going over the figures and reports a lot the last few days and as the company is ever expanding, I’m needing to expand the Admin team”
“Oh” She blinked in surprise.
“I’ll be putting a post up for two new positions within the Administration department, one a regular Administrator and one, the Head of Administration” He spoke cryptically. Daenerys was confused, she was the Head of Administration. “Sansa is leaving her position, she’s my Reports Analyst on the board and her position has opened up, I’d like you to fill it”
This has been the strangest day of my life so far , she mused inwardly as his words was over her in complete and utter surprise. There was many things going on in her life, and she did not expect that this week would bring about a secret admirer and an offer of a position three steps above her current job.
“Sir, I can’t-”
“Jon, first off” He intercedes. “And secondly, you certainly can and you certainly will”
“Jon…” She winces as she speaks his name, making this meeting become too informal. “I have no training in that sort of field, I do Admin sure but that role is Admin, Payroll and HR all rolled into one. If I do it I won’t be able to complete it with satisfaction”
“Daenerys Targaryen, for too long you and your clever mind have been sat down in that Admin office not being tested enough, for too long you’ve been dealing with Gendry pining over my sister and Jamie Lannister picking his nose. It’s time you had a challenge, and I know you’re up to it” He reassured.
She was consumed by confusion and surprise and sweetness and fear. Everything rolled into one as the events of the day (that had only been an hour give or take) melded into her mind and warped her vision slightly. She wanted to accept, she wanted to be free of this doubt crawling under her pale skin. But she just couldn’t do it, and she didn’t know why. “I’m sorry but, this is a huge step, it’s a lot to think about and…”
“Have you ever read The Perks of Being a Wallflower?” He asks suddenly, causing Daenerys to be sidelined by her own thoughts. She shakes her head, but doesn’t say anything. “My sister Sansa recommended it to me when we were younger, and there’s always a quote that has stuck with me some eight years later. We accept the love we think we deserve, and it’s completely true”
“Huh?” Dany blinks. We accept the love we think we deserve, We accept the love we think we deserve, We accept the love we think we deserve, We accept the love we think we deserve .
“Obviously in this case it’s praise, you don’t think you’re worth-” She cuts him off.
“It’s you” She says suddenly, her brain exploding all at once. We accept the love we think we deserve . She glances to his desk and spies on the corner, a small bottle of ink and a fountain pen. Her breathing is shaky, as she looks around the desk for pink heart sticky notes but can’t find anything, all she can find is his hands, gripping the edge of his table.
“Dany, are you okay?” He asks, his own voice cracking.
“Why” She demanded to know.
“Why what?” He asked, a raised eyebrow.
“Jon Snow don’t you give me that eyebrow, why me?” She stands in her seat, eyes steely as she pierced his own gaze with her knife one.
It all made sense in her mind, he would have the master key to lockers besides the janitors so that would make sense into how he got into the locker. It was a known fact about the milk so leaving a note like that in the fridge wasn’t a bother. And him sticking a note on her PC would be easier than most, he was allowed anywhere in the building and wouldn’t be noticed if he stood near a desk. He knew her car, so when she’d left last night and there was on on there…
Her mind was racing, suddenly the mysterious and intense faceless man from her mind had his face, and somehow it was a match-up. His eyes were wide and yet somehow his face had softened when she looked at him. She knew she was red in the face, that the embarrassment of all these acts of devotion were easily readable on her features.
“I… felt something, when I looked at you that I had never felt before” He stumbles. “Corny as it sounds that feeling was the only thing stopping me being drowned in work and bullshit from the family and all the craziness my life seems to want to throw at me as of late. There’s things going on, things that mean soon I will have to let go of this company”
“What…”
“Things I don’t wish to speak off, or I may be lost in the dreariness and doubt that this thing brings with it. I was bold, and stupid yes, in what I started doing last week, but time was running out Dany, and I needed you to be that source of light once again, I needed you to know, to have something good to remember me by”
Daenerys tried to deconstruct the riddles in her mind, but she was coming up blank. Something is running out of time, his time here was, and he wanted to act fast, he was having to give up the company for something. His sister, Sansa was leaving her position. It was all confusing, all overwhelming. But what did feelings for her have to do with all of this?
“I’ve accomplished so much in such a short space of time, I’ve allowed myself to become the very best CEO that there ever was and the happiness of my staff is something I’m proud off. But I’ve been lying to myself for a long time now, and things have changed. And you are part of that change in me. If only for a small while”
Dany doesn’t know how or why it all clicked into place, but it did suddenly. Her mouth hung open, her eyes watery as she realised the ramifications of what he’s saying. “You’re sick” He doesn’t reply immediately, he doesn’t have to. He just bows his head into a low nod and let’s the moment breathe. “How long?”
“For a while, a headache that I couldn’t shake” He confirmed. “Went to the doctors and lit up like a Christmas tree, as such. I don’t know when, and I don’t want to know in all honesty, but I know that if I didn’t do something for you before I left this company and this world, I’d end up being furious with myself in the afterlife, if there is such a thing as one”
She couldn’t process this, but the feeling of admiration and love she’d held inside her this morning was replaced with a melancholy sadness that she’d never experience before. “Sansa… is she?”
“She will be CEO after me, yes” He nodded, rubbing his head as if he was already tired and wishing to go and lie down somewhere. “So please, take her position” Daenerys didn’t say anything for a while, she was just aghast as the information overload that had been handed to her. “I’ve never said this out loud, but you have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen”
The air is hot suddenly, and she feels the warmth of his words hit her somewhere deep. Tears were hot and heavy in her eyes, and her heart ached for this man before her. A man she didn’t know very well, who doted upon her, a man she wished she’d got to know better. She was so sidelined by the revelation that she didn’t even notice him coming around to her side of the table and sitting in the other chair next to her.
“It’s not my place to ask this of you, and if you have plans then I shall be respectful and accept your wishes. But this Thursday will be my last Valentine’s Day on this earth, and I would like to take you to dinner, if it pleases you as such” He was leaning on the chair arm for support, his hand shaking a little.
Daenerys was so overwhelmed. She had been offered a brand new position, found out the boss was dying and had a crush on her all within the space of five minutes. Her mind was doing a million calculations and as she stared into his eyes, on the seat directly adjacent to hers, she couldn’t find it within herself to deny him of this.
“Kiss me” She demands, grasping what little amount of power she had in the room, trying not to be overwhelmed by the heartbreak that was sure to follow in the coming weeks. “Kiss me and show me that your feelings are true, that you really do like me and I will do everything in my power to be there for you”
There’s a moment just when the world around them completely stops, that time stands still and everything else fades away. There’s no ticking clock teasing them of time they have left, there’s no one to tell them to not do this reckless thing that was about to happen, there was only her and him. His eyes held a small amount of lust but mostly regret. She wonders if perhaps he’s wishing he’d said something to her years ago when he hired her, instead of waiting for this catalyst that had spurred him on.
But when he places a hand on her cheek, his thumb wiping away the tears she had spilt for him, she felt warmth and love and devotion. The same feeling she got when reading those notes the past few days.
And so, their lips join.
Bittersweet, that was her overwhelming feeling as his soft lips move in sync with her own. It’s glorious, wonderful, tantalising and crackling all at the same time, but there’s such a sadness to the kiss. She’s never been kissed like it in her entire life, but the she couldn’t fight against the thoughts that were going through her, the realisation of his confession. She wanted to pull away before she lost herself in this beautiful moment, but she couldn’t, she could only try and help ease his pain in this way.
Daenerys thinks about the feel of his lips on hers that sends her mind into a sensual state of intoxication. She wished more than anything to reach towards his face and touch them lightly but that wish battled the urge to just keep kissing him. The lips were the gateway to the body, in her mind, they were softness, passion and the promise of the sweetness to come.
But there was no sweetness around the corner that she could stomach. Only a looming sense of doom she had been familiar with that came to follow her. But he was a miracle in this moment, a gentleman in the way he���d wooed her, honest in his intentions and heartbreaking in his confession.
When their lips parted, there was an overwhelming silence. In that silence all of their feelings and secrets were laid bare, all of their passions and the spark of love that existed between them. In that moment, in his devoted and secret love, she was strong. One kiss and she had the courage to do what had to be done.
“Jon” She breathed raspily, her hands on his arms as their foreheads touch. There was a moment where neither of them breathed, the air clinging to them as if a verdict would be laid out bare for all. “Thursday night at 7, yeah?”
He sighed deeply, kissing her once more in thanks for giving him that small piece of happiness. “Thursday night at 7” He agreed, leaving small kisses on her neck, causing the skin on her face to feel redder than the lipstick she’d been wearing before the kiss. “Beautiful”
Pink heart sticky notes, oh how I am thankful for you.
It was strange from then on out, she was living in a time bomb where anything could strike at any time. Oblivion was inevitable, but the way he and her faced it together, after that day, was strength to accept what was coming. All she knew was that by the time Thursday came around, and she had finished her dinner date with him, she’d fallen in love the way you fall asleep, slowly and then all at once.
#jon snow#daenerys targaryen#jonerys#jonerysvalentine#mhysaofdragons#jon x daenerys#game of thrones#fanfic
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Disappointed But Not Disheartened: Reflections on A Wrinkle In Time
In early 2016, when it was announced that Ava DuVernay was attached to A Wrinkle In Time, I tweeted about how excited I was for it and she favorited my tweet so I screenshotted the notification and showed it to everyone on the planet and have been anxiously awaiting this movie ever since. Jennifer Lee, one of the two screenwriters for the project, is who I aspire to be, and Ava DuVernay is, as far as I’m concerned, one of the best filmmakers of all time, and, although I honestly don’t remember much about the plot, I read at least 3 books in Madeleine L’Engle’s Time Quintet as a child and definitely really enjoyed them. (I may have read Many Waters and completely forgotten it, but I think I was just not that interested in transitioning to the next generation and so peaced out after A Swiftly Tilting Planet.) In the months before its release, I declared multiple times that A Wrinkle In Time would probably be the movie of the year for me.
Now that I’ve seen it, I can say more confidently: it’s not my movie of the year. Just to be sure, I saw it twice this weekend (and I also watched the 2003 TV Movie in between to compare – it’s not great but it’s also not, like… resoundingly worse). The second time around, I enjoyed it way more than the first, and I think it’ll only continue to grow on me with time. Visually, it’s just spectacular: Ava DuVernay and Naomi Shohan have built a gorgeous and imaginative world. Production design is maybe the only element of cinema that L’Engle’s original novel lends itself to easily, and they tapped that to its fullest potential. But something about the storytelling just didn’t quite click for me.
And before I go on, I want to be clear: no one working on this movie had anything to prove. People will frame it that way – can a black woman direct a $100 million movie? or can a little brown girl carry an action-adventure blockbuster? – but none of that is really up in the air. Black creatives have proven time and time again that they can and will carry franchises, so we can stop pretending that was ever even a question. And we all saw The Dark Knight Rises and were like, “hm, very middle of the road”, and yet no one raised an eyebrow when Christopher Nolan got a Best Director nod this year. Ava is still one of the best working visual storytellers in Hollywood (and has increasingly excellent brand recognition – any studio would be lucky to have her helm another blockbuster). Storm Reid is charming and will continue to get work. Jennifer Lee is still my hero. It is dumb that I’m nervous to admit that I was disappointed by A Wrinkle In Time, like if it wasn’t the perfect movie no one will ever try to make movies like it again. Creatives do not have to break new ground with every movie they make for their work to be considered valuable. And in a lot of ways, A Wrinkle In Time was groundbreaking.
So, bearing in mind that this movie doesn’t in anyway reflect on anyone’s capacity for great filmmaking, what made A Wrinkle In Time feel disjointed to me?
My first thought was maybe it was just a failure of casting. They apparently searched for 7 months for someone to play Charles Wallace, and as cute as he is, Deric McCabe felt awkward and stilted to me the entire movie on first watching. Levi Miller was the cutest stalk of celery I’ve ever seen but that’s kinda the most I can say for him. Everyone was charming, but no one – Storm Reid included – really had the chops to carry the weight of all the bonkers exposition this movie demanded of them.
That said, the performances felt less stilted to me when I watched it a second time – Storm Reid and Deric McCabe did have some really keen and nuanced moments, and Levi Miler, despite speaking like he’s never met another human being before, gives truly excellent face. And the adult casting was superb; Chris Pine as the affirming father of a biracial daughter seems like an obvious and sincere choice, and also ZACH GALIFIANAKIS. Clearly Aisha Coley knew what she was doing because it takes some serious insight to look at Zach Galifinakis and think, “this schlubby comedian will play the kindest, gentlest father figure in cinematic history.” No actor is actively wrong for their part, and no one is phoning it in – the younger folks are maybe just still figuring some things out.
So if the performances felt awkward but it wasn’t a failure of casting, I hate to even suggest it, but maybe then it’s a failure of direction. If these actors had the potential to perform this script well, maybe Ava just didn’t direct them appropriately. There are some moments where I think this is actually true: if you’re working with young talent struggling to create a genuine sense of chemistry, maybe don’t block things so they’re standing several yards apart as they exchange intimate dialogue. There were multiple weirdly slow, far apart exchanges between Meg and Calvin that probably would’ve felt loaded with meaning with more competent actors but just felt bizarre and confusing with these kids.
That said, I am reluctant to criticize Ava’s work here, largely because these children have spoken quite sincerely multiple times about how kind Ava was and how safe they felt working with her. When working with young actors, I think that’s the most important thing. And so if these kids felt most comfortable shouting at each other from across a football field, then fine. I’m okay with that. And also, let’s not forget: Zach. Gala-friggin-akis. Ava knows how to get what she needs.
So then perhaps there was something weird about the camera. The cinematography of this movie felt deliberate, like it was meant to create a real mood around this story. It felt like the idea was to shoot this thing in a way that was disorienting to reflect the magic and uncertainty of the world these characters occupy. But that didn’t really click for me: I mostly just felt like the camera placement was in the way. Maybe because the performances weren’t strong enough to come through, but maybe because cutting from a traditional over-the-shoulder shot to a strikingly tight 90 degree profile is always going to take you a little bit out of the moment. (There were two particularly striking moments that made me chuckle they were so disorienting: one when Ms. Whatsit and Meg’s mother talk in such a tight, shallow-focus profile shot, I could’ve sworn they were about to kiss; the other when, in the middle of a conversation between Meg and Principal Jenkins, there was a cut to a close, shallow-focus shot of his name placard, and then a very artistic but completely unnecessary tilt up as the focus racks a very tight shot of Mr. Jenkin’s face.)
Weird cinematography can interrupt the flow of even the best scenes. But maybe – and I hate to say this even more than I hate to suggest Ava’s work wasn’t as good as it could be – but maybe, I am just making excuses here for Jennifer Lee. Maybe this was a failure of script. And I do think that Jennifer Lee and her writing partner, Jeff Stockwell, made some really positive changes. I think they captured and amplified the essential relationships and motivations in this story. I think getting rid of the twins and playing around with the Murry family structure, as well as adding a lot of scenes with the dad and giving him a central character flaw, gave this story a clearer and cleaner direction than the Weinstein-produced adaptation in 2003. And I think that the whimsy of the book was captured in a way that felt visual and cinematic in this screenplay.
But it’s hard to deny that this screenplay felt a little clunky. There was a lot of exposition and no clear moment when a goal or central question was obviously stated, which probably would’ve helped me enjoy the film a bit more on my first watching. It was somewhat unclear when the acts were changing, which made it hard to be totally swept up in the beautiful and immersive imagery. The sequencing at the end is awkward – why does Calvin just watch a deeply intimate conversation between Meg and her dad? (He’s just smiling in the corner of one shot when they hug at the end and I truly burst out laughing in the theater.) What did Calvin and Mr. Murry do in the backyard for all that time when they tessered away without Meg and Charles Wallace? Why did Charles Wallace get so easily distracted by the family dog (for a seemingly very long stretch of time) when he ran into the house to get his mom? Why did Meg not laugh out loud at Calvin when he said, “Funny how it took a trip around the universe for me to have the strength to confront my crazy dad!”? And speaking of Calvin, while I think the decision to trim a lot of the fat around the Meg-Charles Wallace sibling dynamic was a good one, it sort of begged the question: why is Calvin even here? (It’s actually sort of nice bit of commentary – to help save the universe, men simply need to trust women and affirm that their ideas and instincts are correct – but it felt undeniably odd that Calvin came along when all he did was fall off Reese Witherspoon’s lettuce leaf body and then eat a bunch of sand.)
Having said that, it does seem like there were some fairly substantial reshoots or at least major cuts made after principle production, because based on the trailer, what seems like a big expositional scene got left on the chopping block. I’ve also heard in interviews that they shot and were starting to animate an Aunt Beast scene between Mr. Murry’s tesser and Meg’s final confrontation with The It. Perhaps the original script did a better job of integrating Calvin and establishing clearer act breaks and character voices. Maybe, for reasons beyond their control, this script needed to be torn up a bit and it was too late for the writers to polish the rough edges that were left behind. Or hey, maybe Jeff Stockwell took hostage of the whole thing and made a bunch of bad changes at the last minute that Jennifer Lee couldn’t talk him down from and her hands are clean! (I don’t know enough about WGA rules to totally tease out what that cowriting process looked like based on the billing – that is maybe very possible – but it’s not very kind to Jeff to just assume that about the script so I won’t.)
At the end of the day, A Wrinkle In Time did not come together for me like I hoped it would. It’s not easy to tell why major sequences got cut pretty late in the game or why the cinematography decisions and acting decisions came together as awkwardly as they did. Whatever the reason, this movie just didn’t do it for me. But even as I left the theater feeling a little disappointed, I was not disheartened. This movie wasn’t anything like, say, Suicide Squad, which feels like a project that was fought over, a project where everyone involved seemingly knew the movie was a train-wreck but also “knew” it wasn’t their fault. It’s hard to point the finger at anyone here; everyone has something to be proud of (and something to be less proud of). No sequence feels pulled because the studio didn’t trust its creatives or because the director didn’t trust her actors. It feels like a product that was made by a whole, a whole who struggled with this beast together. A Wrinkle In Time feels delightfully collaborative, a movie made by committee in the best possible way.
Perhaps the biggest takeaway, then, is that adapting L’Engle’s bonkers novel is a hard thing to do. To no one’s fault, the stakes of her story are simultaneously impossibly large and surprisingly small. Her characters speak with a rhythm that is odd even when done well, and the world she built evokes more the concept of beauty than actual images of it. (And let’s not even begin to unpack cinema’s troubled troubled relationship with Christian-influenced fantasy storytelling.)
But here is a group of people who all earnestly rose to the challenge. They made the thing. And it is flawed in a lot of ways. But as Meg Murry knows better than most, its faults are not undeserving of love.
#a wrinkle in time#storm reid#ava duvernay#madeleine l'engle#jennifer lee#zach galifianakis#review#reflections#film#cinematography#a wrinkle in time review#jeff stockwell
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Beneath Cherry Blossoms in Sannouzi Temple
Title: Beneath Cherry Blossoms in Sannouzi Temple
Author: Jaroslav Lewis
Fandom: Detective Conan
Pairing: KazuHei with ShinRan on the side
Summary: She was trying to change. He acted on impulse. There they stood, in a familiar place. The place where it all began.
Disclaimer: I don't own Detective Conan and any of Gosho Aoyama's characters. I simply borrow them when I'm lonely.
Something had changed. She knew and no matter how hard she tried to deny it, she just couldn't shrug the thought off of her head. She tried to act as if nothing had, as if things were how they used to be but deep down she knew she had been different around him and that for the past few years she had just been pretending.
Hattori Heiji was no longer a mere childhood playmate, a best friend or as she'd always call him, a brother because he was so much more, perhaps all along he was never those things to her to begin with and it was only then that it struck her. It was an overwhelming awakening for her, liberating but also frightening.
She felt powerful whenever she was with him, almost as if she could do anything as long as he was by her side, as if she could surpass any challenge, any harm that could come her way. Heiji was her safe place, her home but that was all the more reason for her to be frightened about her feelings for him.
She thought he might not feel the same way; that maybe to her he was more than just a friend but to him, she was nothing more and nothing less. She figured she might not have any chance with him. Heiji was not only handsome, and well-skilled in Kendo he was also a renowned, brilliant high school detective while she was nothing but a plain teenage girl. Maybe her Aikido skills made her something more, but compared to Heiji's achievements, that was nothing to be proud of. Heiji would probably never see her as something more than an ahou (as he'd always call her).
She thought she could go on keeping it a secret to him, but the longer she tried to hide it the stronger she felt it, the urge to tell him the truth. There were so many instances when she tried to tell him about it, but also so many circumstances that hindered her from doing such (to which she somehow feels thankful for). The anxiety also always takes over her. Though she'd feel so determined to confess to him, in the end, she'd just chicken out and it happened countless times. Perhaps, the circumstances were just an excuse. It wasn't fate that's hindering her. It was herself all along.
Ever since she realized what he meant to her, a lot of things have been messing with her head also, with actions towards him. It used to be way less complicated back then, when she saw him as nothing more than a friend. But now, things have changed. She was more conscious of herself, of how she looked and how she acted especially when she's around him. She has been putting more effort on being more lady-like around him, even having second thoughts on continuing her Aikido training, worried that the martial art made her too intimidating.
Toyama Kazuha never cared about society's superficial beauty standards until then. She used to be fine with how she looked and never bothered being boyish around him but now, she'd always find herself browsing through some fashion magazines, looking for some tips on how she'd look more pleasing in his eyes. Most of her spare time revolved around scanning through the pages for articles on "Steps to Make a Guy Fall in Love with You" or anything of related topic. She even tried putting on light make up and styling her hair differently, a change which didn't go unnoticed by the observant young detective of the west.
"Oi, What took ya' so long? And ya' seem to still have some of the strawberry flavored thing ya' ate for breakfast on your lips, ahou." Heiji pointed out as she stepped out of her house, approaching him as he waited standing next to his motorcycle.
"It's lip tint, boke!" She retorted, clearly feeling as though her pride was stepped on and pulverized by the man who was the main reason she took an effort to look more presentable that morning.
"And for your information, it's cherry not strawberry.- Not that you'd care since ya' couldn't even tell the difference." She added.
"Pshhh and what's with your hair anyway? Where are all the ribbon things ya' use to tie that? Ya' know we're riding my bike to school. I don't want your hair all over my face when I'm driving!" He scolded, clueless about his childhood friend's intentions.
"I dropped the ribbon because it was too childish. Will ya' grow up for once, Heiji! You ahou!" She argued as she flung her school bag, almost hitting him on the arm, but missing as he stepped back, avoiding her beating. -Talk about good reflexes all thanks to Kendo. It was one of their usual childish fights. There was probably never a day that passes by that they don't have one. It wasn't Kazuha's favorite part of the day and frankly, she wished Heiji treated her like a lady and would be more of a gentleman, kind of like Ran-chan's Kudo-kun. Though she had to admit, those fights are what make them Kazuha and Heiji. It was one of the few things that are theirs and though she'd get tired of it at times, she'd never want it to change, she'd never want it to perish, whatever it was she had with him. And she knew deep down, if their relationship ever changed and if the daily quarrel with him stopped, she'd miss them, every moment she spent with him. She'd definitely miss him.
"Oi, ahou. Get on the friggin' bike, will ya'? If we run late to class, it's on ya'?" He said as he hopped on his bike and tossed the spare helmet to Kazuha and, waited for her to ride behind him.
Kazuha caught the helmet and wore it, concealing her face and the redness on her cheeks which were due to the heat of embarrassment, frustration she felt towards the same young man who has been making her heart throb against her chest and butterflies do somersaults inside her stomach. She hated how dense he was and how he couldn't even bother to tell her how beautiful she looked, always teasing her, making fun of her, making her feel even more insecure about herself. But what she hated even more was the fact that by the end of the day she could never hate him and he'd still be the one she'd want to look at her and notice her as something more than Kazuha the best friend, Kazuha the ahou.
Something was up and he was sure for he had known her long enough to know if something was bothering her. For the past few weeks, Toyama Kazuha hasn't been acting like herself. He noticed that she hadn't been tagging along him that much anymore. Just last week, she refused to go home with him because she wanted to be with her girl friends in Aikido club. At first, Heiji thought Kazuha just needed some time alone with the girls. After all, Kazuha had other friends too. The same way he liked being with his pals in Kendo club, or with people who understood his passion for the art of mysteries and deduction like, Kudo for the matter. But a day turned to two or three days of a week being out with others instead of him.
He used to spend his mornings going to school with her and afternoons going home with her but now, it's just the mornings for her and him. She wouldn't even go to lunch with him anymore, telling him that she had to be studying in the library or that she didn't want to eat anything because she was on a diet. Heiji thought it was complete bonkers. Kazuha had never been on a diet before. She didn't need to. She looked perfect.
He also noticed, she had been putting on makeup now and she also decided to wear her hair down. He thought she looked really beautiful that morning and that he was totally stupid for being an ass about it. It was just that he felt overwhelmed by how she was starting to change. He always thought she looked perfect even without make up on and that the ribbon has always been a part of her. He knew he'd never see her without one. He liked seeing her face with no obstructions on like her hair. Well, she had good hair it's just that, he loved it tied neatly, away from her face, so that he could see her clearly and look at her peridot orbs, adorable cheeks, perfectly-shaped nose and pinkish lips.
He secretly loved stealing glances from her whenever he's bored in class and he loved looking at her amusing facial expressions. He loved seeing her eyes light up as she smiles when she's interested in the lesson. He loved the way she'd crinkle her nose and pout her lips when she's concentrating on solving a difficult Math problem. He had even grown fond of teasing her because he loved seeing her adorable frown and her flushed cheeks when she's arguing with him. Heiji loved a lot of things about Kazuha and he hated seeing those things go away just because she decided to change. He didn't want her to change. But he figured it wasn't up to him. He isn't even her boyfriend in the first place.
Heiji couldn't quite put his finger on it, but there had to be a reason she was acting that way. As keen and intelligent as he seemed with his eidetic memory and brilliant reasoning skills, he figured Kazuha was one of the few things he could never figure out.
He thought that perhaps, Kudo was right after all… That no matter how good a detective you are, you'd never see through the heart of the woman you love…
"Oi, Hattori. What's up?" Kudo Shinichi's voice popped from his phone after a few rings, making him snap out from his reverie. He had to admit to himself that he felt relieved to hear his pal's voice, though he knew it would take him a long time to get used to East's Kudo Shinichi's real voice. He had always heard him with Conan's squeaky kid voice, it was different hearing him as a seventeen year old boy, but he was glad those days are over.
Growing up, Heiji never had siblings around to talk to. He always had Kazuha but at that moment, the problem WAS KAZUHA and he figured, the right person to turn to had to be Kudo. Afterall, they had a lot in common and were both hopelessly in love with their best friends.
"Any case there you want me to look into?" The high school detective from Tokyo asked when he heard no reply from his friend over the phone. It took a few seconds for Heiji to come up with a reply. It was the first time he'd actually confide to Shinichi about his love life. Usually, it was always about mysteries and tough cases and he never thought this day would come. It felt weird for him and very unnatural. He'd always put a tough act around Kudo, his pride always taking over. But this time was the right time to let that go. Kudo was his friend and he knew they shared a bond more than just solving cases. Heck, they've already gone through a tough life and death crisis when they took down the Black Organization, why should he hesitate about turning to Kudo to help him with his Kazuha Crisis?
"No… Actually… It's about Kazuha…" He stammered. He felt his face heat up in embarrassment when he heard Kudo chuckle over the phone.
"I see? Well what about her?" Shinichi asked calmly, encouraging him to go on after noticing the hesitation in Heiji's voice.
"She's been acting all weird lately…" He replied, telling him about her antics, the makeup the hair, everything. Shinichi listened fervently over the phone and thought about what might have been causing the girl to act that way and then it hit him…
"You know, Hattori… Well, this is just a speculation and this is clearly just based on your statements and what I've observed with Ran. Hmm… The first time I saw Ran dress up and put on light make up was when I asked her out on a date to the Beika Central Tower Restaurant. You don't think…"
"Kazuha has been asked out by some guy on a date?!" Heiji said, cutting him off whilst finishing the sentence for him. He felt like punching a wall for a moment, almost like when he got mad when he saw some guy flirting with Kazuha. The green-eyed monster was definitely acting up on him again.
"Look, I'm not saying that that's what is actually happening here, Hattori. It's just a speculation…" Shinichi said, trying to calm his friend down. "But you know, Kazuha's not some case you'd have to figure out on your own. If it really bothers you that much that she's changed, then why don't you just talk to her about it. I mean, you've got nothing to lose, Hattori."
"But what if… What if she finds out?" He asked worriedly.
"So what if she does find out?" Shinichi repeated, putting an emphasis on Heiji's own question. "Haven't you been trying to let her know all these years?"
"I know but it's not the right time yet. I'm not sure I'm ready to tell her yet…"
"Well, when will you be? When run into some goons and get into trouble solving cases?" Shinichi asked, giving him a little push. "Think about it Hattori or you'll regret it…"
"That's easy for you to say. You're perfectly fine with Ran now." Heiji scoffed, letting his stubborn side take over. He couldn't help but get jealous at how his friend was finally together with the girl of his dreams. He hoped he had the guts to tell Kazuha about how he truly feels the same way that Kudo got to tell Ran about his.
Kudo on the other hand, couldn't help but sigh as he rolled his eyes in frustration. He couldn't understand how the Osakan detective would bother calling him for advice in the middle of his studies (especially when he's got a lot to catch up on) and then just counter everything he's been telling him.
"Look, think about it this way… What if some guy is interested in Kazuha? What are you going to do?" He pressed, hoping that his western counterpart would take a hint.
"I don't know? Investigate and find out who the guy is?" Heiji replied, unsure of his answer.
"NO! YOU BAKA!" Shinichi scolded before heaving another sigh. "Well maybe I'd do that too, but that's not the point… What I'm trying to say is… Would you just let some other guy take her from you?"
Heiji stayed silent as his friend's words rang in his ears.
"Would you just let some other guy take her from you?"
He felt his heart beat rapidly against his chest. He wasn't quite sure if it was because of the excitement or anxiety that hit him, but he knew he had to do something about it.
"I think… I think I want to tell her…"
"Then go for it!"
"But, what do I say?"
"You'll just find the right words to say when you're there, Hattori." Shinichi said, remembering how the words just spilled out of his mouth when he chased Ran in London.
"Where should I do it? Should I do it right now or after class? Shouldn't I plan and take her somewhere special?" The detective of the west started bombarding him with so many questions.
"You just say it. It just happens. It doesn't matter where." The great detective of the east couldn't help but laugh. He genuinely smiled to himself as he recalled his confession in London, how beautiful the buildings are and the scenery was but at that moment nothing else was more beautiful than Ran.
'You wouldn't even notice or care where you are because when it happens all that matters is her and all you see is her…'
"You confessed to Ran in London." Heiji pointed out crestfallenly.
"It was a spur of the moment thing. Trust me. Planning is useless. Just let it happen."
Kazuha was shocked when she found Heiji standing by the locker room for Kaiho School Aikido Team. She noticed that he still had his Kendo uniform on and thought that he must've rushed there after practice. On the other hand, she too was still in her martial arts uniform and was thinking about changing. She hated the fact that Heiji seemed to have no clue of the concept of personal space. She hated that she had to see in her wrinkled Aikido uniform, covered in dirt and sweat, her hair tied up in a messy little ponytail.
Unbeknownst to her, Heiji didn't care if she didn't look that presentable. In fact, he even thought she looked adorable even when she was messy. He took notice of her wearing her hair up again, only to be a bit disappointed that she still wasn't wearing her signature ribbon.
"Hey, I was thinking of taking you somewhere after practice." Heiji announced as he leaned on the wall casually, briefly making eye-contact with her before breaking their gaze to look somewhere else as he felt really nervous.
Kazuha was bewildered by his sudden invitation. She didn't know what to say. She had been avoiding him for the past few weeks. She figured she needed some time away from him to sort out her emotions. Every moment she spent with him made her feel like bursting. She felt that she was not ready to be around him that much yet.
"Gomene, Heiji. I have other plans this afternoon." She replied with the littlest hint of remorse. She looked away to head straight to the girls' locker room, hoping to get away from him as soon as possible before he noticed that she was bluffing. Being a detective, Heiji had good skills in reading people. She was afraid he'd see right through her. She wasn't even a good liar to begin with.
Heiji couldn't help but notice the hint of coldness in her tone and it was then that he confirmed it. His suspicion was right after all. Kazuha had been trying to avoid him for the past few week.
Before he could say anything and confront her about it, Kazuha had already walked out on him and went straight to the girls' shower a place she knew Heiji couldn't enter. Obviously.
He muttered a curse under his breath, but decided to let it go, thinking that making a fuss about it would only be a waste of time. And so, he went straight to the boys' shower and decided to get rid of all the sweat and dirt he had from sparring, cool down and shrug all the negative thoughts he had in his head.
'Maybe I should just try another day… Maybe tomorrow before class…' He thought to himself as he left the shower running as he stood there, lost in his thoughts. He had been finished draining the excess soap from his body and was done almost half an hour ago, but his pondering kept him there.
"Haven't you been trying to let her know all these years?"
"Would you just let some other guy take her from you?"
And it hit him.
"OI! HATTORI YOU'VE BEEN THERE TOO LONG! ARE YA' DEAD OR SOMETHING?" One of his peers called out from outside his shower door.
In one swift movement Heiji turned the shower knob to stop the water from running and wrapped his towel around his waist. He got out of the shower and scrambled to get into his clothes, hoping to make it quick to Kazuha.
'Crap. Why did I have to spend too much time thinking about this on the shower?'
Heiji was lucky that girls take a lot of time getting ready. Despite taking too long in the shower, he was able to run into Kazuha in the hallway. He spotted her walking with some guy from their school's Aikido team. They were chatting as they took long slow steps by the corridor. Heiji also noticed how Kazuha would giggle and smile at him from time to time. He felt jealousy boil up inside him when he observed how the guy stole glances from her. She wasn't his but her Peridot orbs, cute little nose and pink lips were only his to look at. At least, that's what he thought so…
"See ya' tomorrow, Ryuu-senpai! Take care!" Kazuha said, bidding her colleague good bye. As the two part ways, Heiji rushed to grab her wrist, stealing her away as he dragged her with him.
"Oi! H-Heiji! What are you doing?" Kazuha asked, astounded by her childhood friend's harsh actions. His steps quicken as he continues to drag her with him. He went faster with every step he took. Kazuha almost tripped.
With all the strength she could muster, Kazuha stopped her tracks and pulled her wrist away from Heiji's grasp.
"What the hell's wrong with you?" She questioned furiously, massaging her already numb wrist.
"You told me, you and I have a bond of steal that no one's ever going to break…" He replied. She stared at him in a clueless manner with her light green orbs. Though she knew exactly what those words meant, after all she had said them to him countless times; she had no idea what they had to do with Heiji's current actions.
"I've had it with you avoiding me for the past few weeks. If you have a problem with me, Kazuha just say it." Heiji said exasperatedly as he looked into her eyes, piercing her Peridots with his Emeralds.
Kazuha felt her heart beat fast upon the young detective's sudden interrogation. She quickly avoided his gaze as she struggled to come up with a reply.
"It's like I don't know ya' anymore." He spoke when he heard no response from her.
"Heiji I…" She was at lost for words. How was she ever going to tell him?
Unbeknownst to Heiji, it broke her heart that she had to avoid him for the past few weeks. She missed him a lot. But being around him hurt her as well. She was hurt with every second that she had to be with him, suppressing her feelings for him.
Her lack of response drove Heiji to desperation. Without having anymore second thoughts…
"Look just answer me honestly." He demanded. "Who's the guy?"
Kazuha was taken aback by his boldness. She had always known him to be very straight-forward but she never expected him to have that kind of audacity to ask her such a private question.
'It's you. Ahou.'
"What the hell are ya' talkin' about. Th-there is no guy or what-so ever." She denied breaking their gaze, hoping that he wouldn't pester her anymore.
"You're not around me anymore. All of a sudden, you're wearing your hair down and you even put on makeup. You're being more conscious about how you look like or how you're acting. You think I wouldn't notice?" He deduced.
Kazuha was taken aback by the young detective's conclusion. She never knew he'd go out of his way and use his skills to figure her out. Though his intelligence and keen eye for details had always amazed her, it bothered her that he used such skills to invade her privacy. Though it seems that it shouldn't matter anymore, considering that they had known each other for years, it's still a given that they should set boundaries for each other. After all, Heiji is still a man and Kazuha is still a lady. Heiji crossed that line and it embarrassed Kazuha.
"I'm not one of your silly detective cases, Heiji…" She said in a tone almost inaudible for him to hear. Her face was flushed a deep shade of crimson from embarrassment and also from holding the tears that were right on the corner of her light green eyes. "I'm not some culprit you just corner around with your deductions…"
She mustered the courage to look him in the eye even though his gorgeous emerald orbs were so hurtful to look at, at that very moment. He had a guilty look in his face, it was hard not to forgive him right away, but Kazuha's stubbornness was strong to fight that urge. She wasn't ready to tell him. She wasn't ready to lose him.
As Kazuha turned her heel to walk away from him, Heiji felt his body move on its own. On normal circumstances, he would just let her go and let her be mad at him. But it was different, now. He had learned where he messed up. He wasn't going to let her go.
He grabbed her wrist again and made her face him. Her tears failed her and fell rebelliously from her light green eyes. She struggled to pull herself away from his grasp, but to no avail, she was drag relentlessly by Heiji until they reached the spot where he parked his motorcycle.
He sighed as he loosened his grip on her aching wrist. He lifted her by the chin and made her look into his eyes. He gave her a soft gaze and smiled at her sadly as he tucked her hair behind her ear and brushed her tears away. He took something from his pocket; a silky dark green ribbon. He leaned in towards her as he reached for her long dark brown hair and used the ribbon to tie it neatly. Kazuha couldn't help but blush at how close Heiji was too her. Her cheek was abruptly pressed to his chest and she swore she heard his heart skip a beat.
"I know you're upset." He said as he pulled away from her and took the extra helmet and gently placed it on Kazuha's head. "But there's something I have to tell you… There's something I have to do. Something I should have done years ago."
He took his helmet and rode his bike. Kazuha's body move against her will as she sat behind him, cursing to herself, annoyed at how no matter what happens she just couldn't stay mad at him.
As soon as Heiji felt that Kazuha was riding securely behind him, he took off to an hour drive to the place where he first found out that he had fallen in love with his best friend.
The sky was orange as the sun was about to set when they arrived at Sannouzi Temple in Kyoto. Nostalgia started to kick in as a tinge of familiarity hit both of them. The two know the place from a fond memory in their childhood, a memory which Kazuha never knew she shared with him. Heiji took Kazuha to a memorable spot underneath a Sakura Tree.
"Maru Take Ebisu Ni Oshi Oike
Yome San Rokkaku Tako Nishiki
Shia Aya Buttaka Matsu Man Gojou
Sekida Chara Chara Uonotana
Rokujou Santesu toorisugi
Shichijo koerba Hachi Kujou
Juujou Touji de Todomesasu"
He could remember clearly how soft her voice sounded as she sang the folk nursery rhyme, how beautiful she looked in her red kimono, how dramatic the scene was as cherry blossoms fell down on her while she stood there, immersed as she played and bounced her ball with her small hands. Ten-year-old him watched her immensely, mesmerized by her charm. He was young when he decided that she was his first love. He thought she was some girl from Kyoto and mistakenly thought that she was two years older than him. He looked for her for so many years, foolishly not knowing that she had been beside him all along.
"I promised I'd tell you until you get tired of it…" He said. "I've always stood up for the truth, but to be honest, there's something I've been keeping from you all along. I've always had the chance to tell you, but I always blew it."
Kazuha stood by, leaning against the tree trunk as she observed and listened to him intently. Heiji had always been an open book to her, but at that moment he looked just so natural and transparent. He looked more vulnerable, but more human. It was a different side of him he had never seen in her life. He was always acting so strong around her, always trying to protect her, always so confident as he solves cases and corners culprits into surrendering to the police. It was a total contrast to how he looked at that moment. There was no spark of confidence in his eyes. He was talking very slowly, even stammering in between his sentences. He kept fidgeting as he placed his hands in his pockets. She also noticed that… he was blushing…
Though the sight of him was new to her, there was something about him that hadn't changed. He looked sincere as always like when he'd call her an idiot and get mad at her whenever she'd get in trouble but his eyes would always tell her he was worried sick about her. Like when he saved her from falling from a cliff and she instead wounded him with an arrow, so he'd let go and save himself, but he didn't. Like when she almost got shot and he took a bullet for her and injured his left arm. She cried a lot but he still smiled and gave her a pat on her head. He even let her hug him tight as she cried on his chest.
"Last year, when we came here with Ran and Kudo, you asked me if I had found the mystery girl from Kyoto. I told you I did, but I never told you who she was. That's because I found out that she was you all along." He continued. Kazuha's mouth went agape at the sudden revelation.
"I love you, Kazuha. I always had, even before I knew that you were my first love. I promise you I'd tell you until you get tired and this is me, keeping that promise." He said, mustering all the courage he could use to get it all out of his chest. "I know I have been a jerk to you all your life and you probably don't see me as a man or anything. And ya' probably like someone else-"
She realized that it was her time to tell him. Driven by her strong emotions that have been longing to be set free for years, she threw herself at him and wrapped her arms around him as she rested her head on his chest, hugging him so tight as her tears soaked his school uniform top.
"I love you too, Heiji." She whispered against his ear, wasting no more time. And she figured it felt good to say it. It was new to her, but it was all good.
Heiji was still in shock, but returned her embrace and rested his head on her shoulder, breathing in the familiar scent of her orange-blossom perfume.
It seemed like forever when he pulled away from her.
"But I thought… I thought you liked someone else." He said, still surprised, but undeniably happy that she reciprocated his feelings.
"It was all for you… " She answered, shyly. "Ahou. I thought you'd like me more if I looked more… I don't know, lady-like I guess."
"Ahou…" He chuckled at her foolishness. He gave her a soft smile as he lifted her by the chin and made her look into his emerald orbs. "I don't mind the changes you'd like to make for yourself. But I do love the bare face, the girly ribbons, even the boyishness… It's all you, Kazuha…"
She gave him a small smile as she nodded.
"Now, care to explain to me why you've been trying to get away from me?" He asked suspiciously as he raised an eyebrow at her.
It was her time to fidget and come up with an explanation.
"I was honestly trying to get over you…" She answered. "But I couldn't."
"Well you wouldn't now, would ya'?" He said, smirking as he leaned closer to her, her face only a few inches away from his.
"Don't push it." She warned.
"If you had told me sooner, this wouldn't have been complicated." He teased, making her frown.
"Hey! I would have told you if I had known how you feel. And how would I know? You could have at least dropped a hint!" She retorted.
And there they were again with the bickering…
"I have been dropping hints all over you! S-some hints at least! Ahou!" He argued.
"Really, now Mr. Detective? We'll it wasn't very clear to me!"
"A guy would never hang on a cliff that long with a girl who just poked his hand with an arrow if he didn't love her!"
"Oh yeah! Well that doesn't count. I'm your best friend and that was a life and death situation. Besides, you were constantly teasing me, always calling me ahou-mmph"
She was cut off when he closed the distance between them and pressed his lips onto hers. Her eyes widened in shock as she felt his lips brushed gingerly against hers. It took a few seconds for her to respond to the kiss. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he wrapped his arms around her waist. Kazuha took a small step back and felt the tree behind her, leaning to it as he pushed himself closer to her and tilted his head a bit as he deepened the kiss, brushing a bit of his tongue against her lower lip, asking for access in which she granted right away.
'Yep. It's cherry alright.' He thought to himself, submitting to his error in his deduction earlier, remembering their argument about her liptint as he tasted more of her sweet lips.
In Sannouzi Temple, underneath the same Sakura Tree stood the once ten-year- old girl who innocently sang Kyoto's Road Song as she absentmindedly played with her little toy, oblivious to the world around her and to the boy who like her was once ten-years-old and observed her with so much curiosity in his eyes. So mesmerized, that he missed her when she left.
It was the same place, the same old Sakura tree that showered them with cherry blossoms as they stood beneath it, except it was different because the girl and the boy were no longer ten years old and they had found each other. In the same place where it all began, a new beginning, a new chapter was bound to unfold.
AN: 14 pages. 5,939 words. First fanfic in almost two years and first ever attempt at KazuHei. I've written some Detective Conan fanfics here when I was twelve. All of them were about ShinRan and all poorly written so I decided to delete them. Hahaha! It took me a week to finish this 5,000+-word one-shot. I had a hard time figuring out how I should end it. I wanted to make the fic romantic and sweet but the same time, keep Kazuha and Heiji's characters and maintain their "tough love" kind of relationship. I'm really fond of how they try to hide that they care about each other, especially Heiji who's got this slightly arrogant shell on the outside but is actually a shy softy for Kazuha. I hope I gave justice to the KazuHei pairing with this fic. I also hope that you guys enjoyed reading this, as much as I have enjoyed writing it. I'm really sorry if this fanfic is way too long to be a one-shot and I apologize if it bores you to death. I just really word-farted and tbh, it's all because I've written the first part with so much feelings for a guy friend that I have liked/loved for some time now. Anyway, that's a different story and it's not very much like KazuHei coz he has a girlfriend. Hence, here I am stuck in the friendzone. He doesn't know anything btw. I'm considering telling him, but I don't know. It's such a big risk and I doubt that it would be anything like this fanfic. XD Hahaha I guess, I'll just pour my heart on writing and focus my energy on KazuHei/ShinRan fanfics while I try to get over him. I don't know. Hahaha Okay, I'm word farting again. So sorry! . Anyway, hope you guys R and R! 3
Love
~J
"Watcha' doing to my Kazuha?" Was on record and was kept playing on repeat in Kazuha's cellphone while her boyfriend, sat and covered his flushed face with a pillow.
"Remind me to send Kudo-kun and Ran-chan a gift of appreciation for this fine treasure, ne, Heiji!" Kazuha giggled teasingly at her embarrassed detective of the west.
"Ahh! Stop it will you!" He complained as he threw the pillow away and tried to snatch the phone from Kazuha, but to no avail. "Delete that thing!"
"I was right afterall. You did say 'MY Kazuha'" She teased as held the phone away from him. "I'm going to make this my ringtone."
-Owari-
#dcmk#detective conan#meitantei conan#case closed#hattori heiji#heiji hattori#heiji#toyama kazuha#kazuha toyama#kazuha#heiji x kazuha#kazuha x heiji#heiji and kazuha#kazuha and heiji#kazuhei#gosho aoyama#fanfiction#jaroslavlewis
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The Story of Juho the Jahoo
Story time. Strap in. This is long.
Here’s the story of Juho. If you don’t speak Finnish, you should know that the J sound in Finnish is actually a Y sound like at the beginning of yellow. So read the above as “You-ho the Yahoo”. He is indeed a ho. And he’s a yahoo. And I don’t like him.
I want you to picture the craziest fan you have ever known in your life. Think of that person who’s obsessed with a celebrity so hard that you think they need help. You know at least one of them. Maybe you are that person. Well, you are not as crazy as Juho.
I met Juho at the anniversary of the opening of the Riff, a bar in Helsinki owned by the drummer for the 69 Eyes. This was in late May, 2016. I ended up talking to him because he was wearing a HIM shirt and I was wearing a HIM necklace and we just got chatting. He was kinda cute. Obviously he was trying to look like Ville Valo. He has the 90s Ville hair and jacket going on and I think that’s cool. Doesn’t really look much like Ville, which is probably exactly why I was attracted to him, but he pulls off the look well. Whatever. I’m actually kind of turned off by people who aren’t their own person. If they’re twinning too hard with a celeb it’s a turn off.
So I do kind of make a move on this guy because he’s attractive and friendly and he’s like “You’re cute and I’m flattered, but I have a girlfriend.” I’m like okay, and I leave it at that. I go about my way.
Later in the evening, he approaches me. Drags me over to meet his girlfriend. I’m super drunk and I think I actually flirt with his girlfriend at some point, which obviously does not warm me to her. Awkward. Whatever, that’s not really an important part of the story. Eventually she goes home. Note that Sandra Mittica, Ville Valo’s infamous ex girlfriend, is there at the party and she and Juho know each other and I’m pretty sure that she knows Juho is absolutely bonkers, but I’m getting ahead of myself.
So I’m there, Juho is talking to Sandra, I’m talking to these other two random guys from Turku and Rovaniemi, just two random guys having a conversation. Juho comes over, literally pulls me out of the conversation I’m having, and pulls me to the back room. I’m following all this because there’s something about Juho that’s interesting. I don’t know what at this point, but it’s interesting, and I want to know what’s up in his head. I end up in the back room. Most of the conversation is in Finnish, Sandra’s there, Juho’s there. Juho is making eyes at me. I’m uncomfortable because 1, there’s a guy who has a girlfriend making his move on me and I don’t want to make the enemy of half of Helsinki (if you make one female enemy in Helsinki, you make a million female enemies in Helsinki; news travels fast), and 2, I’m in the room with the ex girlfriend of Ville Valo, a person whose name I have never heard said with reverence (Sandra’s, I mean, not Ville’s).
I spoke briefly to Sandra. She didn’t know clearly what was going on, but she could tell that there was something up between Juho and me. She called me out on flirting with Juho. I was actually low-key annoyed at Juho at this point because he was expecting me to follow him, telling me to be quiet, and just not being very pleasant. Also, I’m not a passive person, as he’d learn about a month later…
I’ll note that Sandra was not unpleasant. in the Ville Valo fandom she gets a bad rep, yeah, but she wasn’t bad. I didn’t speak with her long enough to get a sense of her actual personality, but she didn’t seem awful at least. I’d tucked my Heartagram necklace into my shirt when I’d realized she was around, so she didn’t see that, but she saw my HIM wallet for sure and could tell I was a fan. She wasn’t a monster to me, a HIM fan.
The bar closes, Sandra says her goodbyes to Juho (they’re friends apparently?), and everyone tips out of there. Juho beckons me out. I follow because, well, we all have to get out anyway. He offers me a cigarette. This was before I became any kind of social smoker, so I said no. He asked “Want to go back to my place?” I said no. No explanation. All I said was “No.” I walked away. I thought I’d never see him again, I’d never find out what about him gave me a weird “you’re interesting” vibe.
I went back to the bar a few days later. Talked the the bartender. He knows Juho pretty well. I was kind of bitching over Juho and the bartender was defending him. But it kind of felt like if the March Hare was defending the Mad Hatter, you know? Two different crazies insisting the other isn’t crazy and that everyone’s fine and nothing is wrong.
Soon after that, I leave Helsinki to go up north. I come back at the end of June for a week. So on June 29th I’m in the Riff late. Really late. I’d been out with a friend earlier and she’d went home, but I’d stuck around to drink and write and just enjoy being in Helsinki, my favorite place on earth. Chris Kael from from Five Finger Death Punch was hanging out there, so I got to meet him and talk to him, which was pretty cool.
Around 2AM, Juho walks in. I’m just like “…”
He sees me. He recognizes me. Says hello, all smiles. Girlfriend is nowhere in sight. He’s talking to some friends for a while while I’m talking to Chris. At some point, Juho comes over and invites me out for a cigarette. I accept.
We sit outside talking. He’s still attractive. I have very little respect for him at this point, but I’m still intrigued by him somehow. He tells me he’s having a problem with his girlfriend because he drinks so much and she doesn’t like that. So he’s here at the Riff drinking more and talking with a girl he was hitting on in front of her a month ago? Because logic.
We get talking about Ville, about Sandra, about Ville’s dad. About how both he and I are in weird positions where we’re fans of Ville but we’ve never met him and we’re just friends with people who are close to him. We relate to each other like that.
We go back in, do shots, and then he invites me home. This time I say yes. I wasn’t drunk enough that I was worried, and he was drunk and un-muscled enough that I could definitely fight him off, so I say why the fuck not. I have no intention of sleeping with him, and I tell him that. I also tell him that I would have gone home with him when we met if he hadn’t had a girlfriend. Everything’s going fine… Until we get to his apartment.
Remember how I said to picture the craziest fan you can think of? Allow me to introduce you to Juho. I get into his apartment. Previously, I’d only seen the fact that he tries to look like Ville a bit, wears HIM shirts, wears HIM jewelry, and has Ville as his phone background. His apartment is a crazy person’s shrine to Ville. No pictures of family or anything on the walls, only pictures of Ville. His computer background is Ville. His sheets are heartagram sheets, which I didn’t even know existed. The first thing he did when we got in was put on HIM and a HIM concert video. He starts showing off all his HIM merch. Heartagram shirts, a backpack, a hat, a zillion beanies, a fucking pair of underwear hanging off a chair...
Like, this is a fucking room full of crazy.
So the total tally is: He tries to look like Ville. He tries to act and sound like Ville. He pulled a couple of “pickup lines” on me that were Ville quotes (which I called him out on because I’m not letting someone get away with bullshit), so he tries to talk like Ville. He dresses like Ville. His room’s a shrine to Ville. He listens to nothing but Ville. He watches nothing but Ville. He talks about nothing but himself and Ville. All his technology is Ville-themed. He has some of the same friends as Ville. He smokes because Ville. He’s a fucking alcoholic because of Ville. He’s vegan because of Ville.
He has no personality outside of Ville. And it’s kind of creepy.
He thinks he’s gonna sleep with me because he thinks he looks like Ville. I’m just like no, dude, you have a girlfriend. I actually have to push him off of me a couple of times, but I can’t really go anywhere because the busses had stopped by then and it was going to be another three hours before I could get home.
We talk. He says outright that he respects me more for not sleeping with him, for listening to him. He tries to feed me vegan pasta, which would be good, except he can’t cook worth shit. The kitchen is full of beer bottles. It’s beyond bachelor pad. It’s a cry for help. He’s a mess because he has no identity outside of Ville.
At 3:30AM his girlfriend calls. I keep quiet. His girlfriend decides she wants to come over NOW to talk shit out, so both me and Juho are like “shit.” He sneaks me out really quickly and I’m like “You owe me one, man.” He’s damn lucky I didn’t tell his girlfriend that he’s a cheater because I’d wanted to a month ago and still hadn’t. He is low-key on my shit list at this point. I make it out of the apartment and have to hide behind a trash bin on my way down the street so his girlfriend didn’t see me while she walks up the other side.
I think hiding behind a trash bin at 3:40 in the morning in Helsinki is probably one of the lowest points in my life. If you could put a soundtrack to that moment, it would be the James Bond theme song, but, like, played by a third-grader on a kazoo.
I finally get home at 6:30AM. I message him the next day to call him out on his shit and stuff. He blocks me on messenger. I’m pissed.
I end up at the Riff again the next night. I absolutely did not go because I was looking for him. In fact, I was almost furious when I saw him there. But the look he gives me… Oh I still feel powerful to this day from that look. Fear. Pure fear. He’s afraid of me. I corner him eventually. He’s afraid and stuttering his words and all that. I tell him to unblock me. I tell him he needs to tell his girlfriend what’s going on. He nods and stutters more and leaves to go to the Tuska festival pre-party with some friends. He never does what I told him to do.
I haven’t seen him since. We’re still connected on facebook and such. I see his updates and he’s still with his girlfriend. He’s still a drunk ho. He’s still a Ville-obsessed mess. And he’s still on my shit list. When I get back to Helsinki, he’s gonna have hell to pay.
So if you ever feel like the crazy fan, think of Juho. Next time you want to go to a celebrity’s house, think of Juho. Always remember, never try to buy a personality at a rock merch shop. Or you will end up like Juho. Don’t end up like Juho.
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14) possible. Huge mistake, imo" Yeah. The show is already dragging. If they keep this up, the series will eventually lose a lot of its charm and meaning. e) "So, without June around I feel like Serena will just go back to old ways. Which is ridic cos she is an intelligent, powerful woman when she actually has the balls." Indeed. It's like Gilead has taken its toll on her and reduced her to a coward. Pre-Gilead Serena was a firecracker, even if she was fighting on the wrong side (that sounded
15) manichaeistic, but you know what I mean). For the record, I do believe they’ll give her some sort of redemption at some point. I’m just a little pessimistic. How are they gonna sell it as plausible and organic after 2x10? We’ll see, I guess. f) “It was just such a prime example of exactly how they maintain power in Gilead and how they managed to get it working: estranging women from each other.” SO. MUCH. GOLD. Suffice it to say, I really liked that June confronted Fred, after she didn’t
16) manage to get through Serena’s walls (and pride).And don’t get me started on that white rose. Every single flower has a special meaning/symbolism on this show and given that the garden is the only thing left to Serena at this point (kudos for admitting that knitting sucks, Serena, I’m 100% with you on that LMAO)… Word though. That music box and the flower were certainly nice gifts (small steps are better than none), but I still think that Serena could have done better. If she could get rid
17) of Cushing that easily, she could have let June see Hannah. That would have been an EXCELLENT way to express her gratitude/show her kindness, but alas. As for June’s excitement with the gifts? I smiled, I couldn’t help it. But I also felt a little sad for her. She’s so used to Serena abusing her and treating her like a baby machine (instead of an actual person), that such a little kindness makes her happy af. It really astonishes me how empathic June is with Serena (funny aka not funny at
18) all how that same empathy doesn’t extend to Fred) in the finale, even after the 2x10 incident. She’s certainly got some Stockholm Syndrome going on, but it’s also not that simple? There’s the codependency (fuck you Fred), the intellectual compatibility (writer/editor), the fact they’re both victims of Gilead now and that they both didn’t try to burst their own personal bubbles when it mattered (pre-Gilead). Holly tried to wake June up of course, because things were looking grim, but June
19) ignored her. Damn, I could go and on about this toxic yet fascinating duo, but I’ll restrain myself.
———-
[I had to look up what manichaeistic means, and now I’ve learnt a new word! :D Also, yes, I totally get what you mean.] Firecracker is a good word. I feel like she’s one of those people who is super enthusiastic about ideals, and thinks they’re great ideas, and then… learns the hard way and is killed by their own ideas. (Literally or metaphorically.) She’s so interesting to watch because her pre-Gilead persona was quite a bit different, just in a different way than the other women. Hers isn’t so much a physical cage (like Handmaids and Marthas are literal slaves) as a psychological one.
I honestly don’t know how they think they’re going to convince the viewers that Serena even deserves any sort of redemption story. 2x10 was a serious nail in the coffin. The only way I can even see it working if Serena suffers A LOT, shows genuine remorse and understanding, AND if we see things from June’s POV who gives Serena a pass for every single horrible thing she does. Serena is like June’s blindspot. It’s mental. Like you said, June is shockingly empathetic with Serena who doesn’t deserve it at all. She just never seems to give up on her no matter what horrible shit she does. Like??? And, yes, there is clearly some Stockholm Syndrome thing going on but it seems to me anyway, that June is very forgiving (most cos she has to be to survive physically and mentally) and that she’s really fucking good at compartmentalizing. If I’m correct about that last one, it’s going to come back and bite her in the ass one day and there will be a breakdown. You can only stuff things away in little boxes for so long before it all falls down. I have to think the relationship (whatever it is, antagonistic or cooperative) is so much more complex.
I think to some degree, June sees Serena for what (a loser) she is and that is very scary for Serena, but for June it allows her to empathise a bit easier than most. I don’t think we as viewers even get many glimpses of Serena, just chilled out and herself as you would EXPECT a human being to be. One of those is 2x06 where I think the OG Serena comes thru esp the night fireside where Serena is like… a completely different person?? From the weird parroting of June’s slang, and probably one of the only times we actually see her smile authentically at feeling the baby move, to that weirdass attempt at bonding during that Handmaid party (wtf), she’s so socially awkward around women it’s unbelievable. (Maybe that’s the guilt when you’re faced with all these women your perfect society has enslaved!) But it’s like she really wants to make a connection for some reason. And then when June asks to see Hannah, and Serena just starts crying??? And we find out as she throws a plant pruning tantrum in her safe space lol it’s cos she thought her and June were actually becoming friends?????? LIKE. WHAT IS HAPPENING. What is this high school shit? That episode made it seem like Serena just really wants a girl friend and is pissed off cos she thinks June was only being nice to get close to her daughter –which duh. “I DID THESE WHOLE 3 NICE THINGS! WHY DOES SHE KEEP ASKING TO SEE HER KID? WHAT A DEVIOUS BITCH!!!!” (Clearly the other Wives aren’t real friends.) MAYBE, and I’m just throwing this out there, the best way to make friends is not kidnapping, enslaving, raping, and assaulting the girl you want to be your bestie lol??? Just a wild thought, Serena.
I’m not trying to woobiefy Serena, but when I watch that episode, it’s just such a different Serena than we’ve seen except in other glimpses (and usually those were just because Serena was directly getting something she wants), but in 2x06 she stays very consistent in it. And, incidentally, she doesn’t attack June at the end. She just runs off and sulks like a child. Then 2 episodes later, with Fred out of the picture, she’s back to wanting to be besties again, coming to June’s room and confiding in her and asking her advice and blah blah blah. It’s shit like that that make me wonder if that’s the side June relies on in order to be able to forgive Serena–for her own survival.
Maybe I give Serena way too much credit. That’s possible. She’s still an awful terrible person, but there may be a tiny sliver of humanity in there somewhere.
So if we see more of that Serena who doesn’t resort to violence every time something doesn’t go her way, and we view her thru June’s eyes rather than our own, perhaps they can finagle some sort of not-completely-bonkers redemption arc. But it’ll be really difficult imo.
ANYWAY.
Yes, I thought those moments at Serena’s door and then going to Fred was brilliant. Like, you can see that June knows EXACTLY what is going on with Serena, and how disappointed and annoyed she is that Serena folded so easily, and now June’s on her own again so she has to go protect herself and kneel to the king to save herself.
I have mixed feelings about the music box. It’s so… trivial and stupid and juvenile on the one hand. It’s very symbolic on the other, even June sees it. The girl in the box. And then, when you consider that Serena likely has very little she can give to June in terms of physical objects (since basically Wives had to throw away everything) so she gave her her childhood music box which she was likely saving for her imaginary daughter. If you take it that way, it is meaningful. But that’s just fanwank really. And, it locks. That may mean nothing, but it may mean something. June has literally nothing else of her own that has any sort of privacy but Serena gives her a box AND the key to lock it.
Honestly, lol, when I first watched 2x08 and Serena is like, “I won’t forget your help”, I turned to my friend and was like, “Was that a threat?” Like you just can’t tell sometimes with Serena. I was relieved when it wasn’t in fact a threat lol.
I agree SO HARD about the flower/music box gift in 2x08 though. Like, c’mon. Firstly, bitch, you’re recycling gifts now? You’re just giving her BACK something you took away to punish her. And a flower, which will die. With all her connections, she easily could have given June something about Hannah, either a visit or a photo or a drawing or SOMETHING. This is something I still don’t get about Serena: why she is SO FUCKING OPPOSED to letting June have anything to do with Hannah? Maybe you have a theory? It’s one of those things I don’t get. Is it cos she’s jealous June has a child and she doesn’t? Is it just a power play thing? WHAT THE HELL IS HER PROBLEM WITH JUNE AND HANNAH? Like, she easily could have June eating out of her hand if she arranged a visit(or two) with Hannah. Instead, she throws temper tantrums any time June brings up Hannah. IDGI. Sigh.
And yeah, if you really want to show June your gratitude, it takes more than a fucking child’s toy. And ITA. The saddest part was how happy June was just to have that box. She was literally hugging it like a child and it broke my heart. Like, that’s what she’s been reduced to by Gilead, and the Waterfords.
(Side note: I feel like June is one of the worst treated Handmaids on a daily basis? Like, sure, Naomi doesn’t like Janine but they have a much nicer house, gorgeous room, she gets ice-cream, etc. Janine fucking BIT Naomi to the point she bled, and she doesn’t appear to be punished for it at all! Can you imagine if June bit Serena? All hell would break loose. There’s that Wife that feels for Emily and tries not to do Ceremonies, and she plays with the dog and stuff. And I don’t know how bad/good it was for Lilly, but she said she preferred it over her previous life. Meanwhile June’s trapped in the dark, musty attic and Serena insists on making her life extra-miserable every chance she gets, including not even allowing June to wean Nicole (intentionally).)
And despite that, June is still like, “Well, Serena deserves my kindness.” WHAT. June is a much better person than I would be. Then again, I can’t help thinking at least in the finale, that June felt a little guilt. Serena never would have lost a finger if she hadn’t pushed her to do it. BUT THAT’S MOTHERHOOD. Sacrifice not for yourself (like Serena does), but yourself for your children. I read some interview where the showrunners were saying the main line through S2 was June teaching Serena how to be a mother. And that really didn’t make sense to me for a while. And it really solidified June’s pure, unabated hatred for Fred. As if slapping him wasn’t hint enough, she leaves Serena’s room after comforting her, and confronts Fred about it. If I was Fred, I’d be even more concerned then than when I found the rose tbh. If June is willing to come after Fred directly after he had his own wife maimed, in defense of said wife, that’s some bond right there. But then, June doesn’t seem to give a fuck about Fred at all and isn’t scared of him at all. Which, is smart in a way, cos he’s so grossly obsessed with her that she can get away with virtually anything.
“There’s the codependency (fuck you Fred), the intellectual compatibility (writer/editor), the fact they’re both victims of Gilead now and that they both didn’t try to burst their own personal bubbles when it mattered (pre-Gilead).“
OMG. OMG. OMG. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SOMEONE SAYS IT!!!
That last bit is something I sort of keep to myself cos like criticising June isn’t on my list of fav things to do but I thought the show was trying to make it REALLY clear that June was pretty late to the party when it comes to Gilead. Like, she had so many warning signs, even Moira was calling shit out, and she just sort of went along with the Gilead prep. Holly (a lot) and Moira (to some degree) were both like “WAKE UP!” But June and Luke just la-dee-da’ed around like “Oh it’s not that bad.” There’s the bathtub analogy and she even comments on how nobody really paid proper attention when it was building. So, at least she knows.
I’m not hating ofc. I think almost everybody would behave the same. You see it already in some places. So, I’m not saying June is terrible for not doing more and it’s easy for us to say, “OMG. If that shit started here I’d be outta America so quickly!” But, at the end of the day, most people just sit by and watch.
But I mean insinuating in any way that June deserves what she got gets the wrath of Hell. Not that I am saying that! Nobody deserves what those women get but it’s important to think critically about these characters and if June recognises she was idle until it was too late, I think as viewers we should be able to say the same. Without it being taken as victim blaming, which I am very much NOT doing.
Also, as an aside, I understand how problematic it can be to suggest that June’s forgiveness of Serena is the desirable outcome cos IRL I think forgiving abusers is a very dangerous path to go down. It never ends well. (Although I am also someone who counts restorative justice as a viable option for some crimes. I studied it for a term in uni and it’s not something I can discount. I don’t think punitive/retributive justice is always the answer. Note: I’m talking about Serena’s crimes against June specifically here; her other wider crimes require something stronger than a healing circle lol.) The only thing I can think of is the entire environment of Gilead is so different that perhaps if you remove environment, people can change. It’s a very dangerous game to play and I certainly wouldn’t suggest this to anybody in the real world... I just, I want Serena to get some sort of redemption--and I don’t mean “happy ending”. Just something... else. And I am not opposed in the THT universe to June forgiving her. Simply cos there’s a bit in the book (IIRC) about forgiveness being true power and it seems like the idea the show is playing with. It’s something I remember from my childhood indoctrination at church as well, this whole “forgiveness is power!” mantra. I’m not sure I buy it. (I think it could be freedom, but I dunno. I’m no theologian or philosopher.) Ah. I’m conflicted.
“Damn, I could go and on about this toxic yet fascinating duo, but I’ll restrain myself. “
PLEASE DO NOT RESTRAIN YOURSELF. IMO they are indeed the most toxic yet fascinating pair on the show and I could read your thoughts about them forever. Not to mention, I feel like the actors have really good chemistry and play off each other exceptionally well. Again, I can’t recall the exact interview but I think it was Yvonne talking about the process and she and Moss really walk thru it and figure out everything. All that work shows. Honestly, this cast is strong. Like I can think of 6 of them that are excellent, a few that are pretty good, and then some blahs (no names mentioned lol). Ann Dowd totally deserved that Emmy for S1 and I honestly, I know I’m completely biased and all, but Yvonne’s S2 performance was stronger than Ann, AND everyone else in that category tbh. So nuanced.
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