#anyway we’re gonna try it again bc they live in my head. like mold <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[becauseplot]

putting au fic draft on pause because im thinking about them again

[roylustang]

In my preparation to live a life more outdoors I have not used AC or heat in my house for the past year. It wasn’t really an experiment, but here’s what happened:

The temperature range outside for the past year (including wind chills and heat indexes) was approximately 26F during the predawn hours in winter to 110F at the height of the day in summer. The temperature in my house probably ranged from about 40F to 90F, but I had no way to actually measure this so it’s just an educated guess.

Obviously we’re skipping over spring and fall, because you don’t need climate control for those seasons anyway. 

Let’s start with winter, since we’re heading that direction again. For me, the main challenge of winter is honestly braving the cold for 30 seconds when I need to put on a bra to go running. That’s really it. I usually don’t wear one to work because I’m usually wearing three layers of clothing, so I don’t need one, but if I go to the town gym I have to change (the gym does not have climate control either). I don’t really have a solution for this other than to just suck it up, or wear a bra to sleep (which I used to do all the time in high school, but I dislike it now).

In order to stay warm in the winter, I have three main methods: kotatsu, blankets, and hot shower. I’m almost always wearing 2-3 layers of clothing and fingerless gloves, which I usually sleep in too. I usually do laundry biweekly in winter, and weekly (or more) in the summer. So that’s a point for winter (also no bugs). Anyway. 

Kotatsu is pretty obvious--it’s warm under there. I know my housemates have already broken their’s out for the season, but honestly I’m gonna try to not use mine this year as an added challenge, I guess? Idk, I’m also just lazy and don’t feel like getting it out. And also because...

Blankets get the job done pretty well. This apartment came with 5 million blankets. I’m currently using 3/4 of the Main Blankets on my bed, but the third one is still too hot sometimes at night. Otherwise, as long as I put my hood up I’m never cold at night or when I’m sitting in bed, which is usually what I’m doing at home.

Hot shower is the third method. I love this one because it literally gives you cold immunity for like up to an hour afterwards, especially if its Too Hot. I once got out of a Too Hot bath and ended up sitting in my underwear in my 40F room for awhile after because I was Too Hot. 

The secret fourth method is exercise, which I do a lot of because it is my Lifestyle. You have to change quick though bc your sweat will get cold fast. (then I take a hot shower, and I’m basically cold immune until its time to go to bed again lol)

Summer is a lot worse in my opinion, mainly because it’s humid. It’s literally sweat central and because this is rural Japan, I can’t exercise shirtless outside. It definitely makes me want to go outside though, because sweating is much better when youre moving than when you’re just sitting somewhere. 

I don’t really have multiple methods of cooling off except for cool showers (of which I took many), occasionally putting an ice pack on my torso when I felt like it, and using a fan (which is extremely necessary in order to not sweat, and also dry my body off when I come back from exercising. I will literally sweat through an entire shirt in 10 mins, the humidity is fucking insane, I have wrung 100ml of sweat from my short shorts, I have disinfected the home gym mats after using them for those aforementioned 10 mins. The chewing gum in my kitchen was ruined simply bc it was humid. I had to clean mold off the kitchen floors and tables. Just imagine constantly being soaking wet if you’re not in front of a flowing air source, that is my life. Luckily I derive a very masochistic joy from this, so it could be worse). I keep the windows open literally 24/7, and the fan runs whenever I’m in the house basically, unless it’s raining because it’s significantly cooler then. I essentially do not wear clothes in my house in the summer. 

The worst and completely unanticipated consequence of this though was the appetite loss. I lost approximately 10 lbs on accident, because I wasn’t eating lunch (mainly bc I wasn’t in school and I just didn’t feel hungry). This really fucked with my health and made me much more prone to passing out, especially during exercise. I was also iron deficient, though I don’t actually know what the cause was, because I was tested for that at the beginning of June. My hair was definitely falling out though. Anyway, when fall came around, I gained it all back. It’s wild to notice how my appetite changes from season to season. Now that its getting colder again, my dinners are much bigger than they used to be. 

Overall, I’m gonna keep doing this, because i’m very used to it now. I just have to make myself eat lunch when summer comes around again. Cold spaghetti never tasted so good let me tell you. Also, my electricity bill is like half of what my housemates are, so thats fun.

[polzkadotz]

Asas reread their fics - ftayc - part 4

And we’re back to rereading this fic!!!! last chapter i reread was the 7k monster of chapter 3, and this one... oh. Oh, this is also 7k?

wowie

if you want a spoiler to interest you, here we go lmao

we begin with this author’s note bc I don’t think I ever really talked about it here on my tumblr???

It was sort of my first time being recommended, really. I had noticed that my hit count had gone up substantially and I couldn’t understand it, but it was nice??? and then i found the post on the library and I was like Oh. I See.

Whoever it was that recommended me, thank you. Seriously.

But enough mushy-wushy, let’s tackle this giant.

We begin with this exchange, which...

I was trying to be funny and this still makes me smile so at least I amuse myself lmao

Neil needs to free himself of the plot device I pulled out of nowhere and he taps into his reserves of power that he has hid away for, basically, forever. One thing that I wish I had made more clear, which was basically the vitriol going through my mind as I wrote this fic, was that Neil had been cutting himself of his powers and how powerful he was for a fucking long time because

1) he bought into his mom’s reasoning that his father was simply Not Someone They Could Face and Win

2) he had made himself fit into a mold that would “make him survive” but, by doing so, he basically chained himself to a fraction of the three-dimensional person he used to be, which made meeting Jean and finding out that he had become a pet god for a human even worse because Neil could see all the ways they were similar but Neil had been doing that shit to himself voluntarily.

Originally, when I thought about making Neil a god in this fic, I did think about modeling him out of an existing god but also, the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to make him be someone who was struggling with letting himself be what he was with his full-potential. Someone who had been cutting himself back for so long he had basically lost whatever sense of personhood he used to have. Someone who had started to get tired of cutting parts of himself and forgetting what he used to be so he would survive for--

What? Survive for what? Neil eventually realized he hadn’t been a person for too long and as long as his father was alive, he would never feel safe to be.

Now that I think about it, Neil was very much me working through my own shit about trying to live as myself at the same time that I had different versions of past me struggling with the person I was becoming. The person I wanted to be.

Anyway, back to the story.

There’s a throwaway paragraph where I sort of tease that Andrew’s dragon is becoming "hungry” and it was basically me trying very hard to foreshadow that the priest thing was going to happen lmao

After battling for two paragraphs against the thought of creating a new priest, Neil gets them back on track to go as far away as its possible for both dragons flying.

Nicky tries to get Neil to talk about the god thing, and I like how I made it clear that even being reminded that he had been a god was something conflicting to Neil.

And then we get to the part where Neil suddenly remembers that he has a lot more money than what he had previously said in the first few chapters, but who cares about plot consistency, am I right? Does it show that this fic was edited hastily? Because I can guarantee that it was :3

They stop in Mumbai, I think (the place is not important for past Asas and honestly... can’t say that’s changed lol). Nicky tries to get Neil to talk more about being immortal and stuff. Neil gives a bit of backstory, as a treat, and Kevin reveals what he knows, as a threat I guess lmao

I kind of imply that Neil only had one priest, which... I remember is not what I put in the sequel.............. so I do recommend you reread your fics before writing a new piece, wink-wink

OH MY GOD I MADE NICKY ASK WHY NEIL’S ENGLISH “WASN’T WEIRD” AND THEN I REPLIED WITH A SENTENCE THAT WAS BASICALLY STRUCTURED WITH PORTUGUESE GRAMMAR AND SOUNDS VERY WRONG IN ENGLISH

Asas... my god, Asas.

Anyway, after a lot of questioning, they eventually go to sleep and, when Neil wakes up from a nightmare, he has his daily fairy tale dose from Andrew, who’s also awake. I gotta be honest, I don’t even remember that fairy tale but it explains the Aaron, Andrew and Tilda.

After everybody wakes up from their naps, they go to their last destination: Tokyo.

Wait lemme check:

when did they leave Mumbai in my story?

when did they reach Tokyo?

yeah, that math totally checks out.

Whatever. As they arrive in Tokyo, Neil splurges even more money on a hotel for the whole crew, even though they had been pretty not nice to him as a whole lmao. But! The boy believed he was going to die, so what was he going to do with all that money?

Nothing, so he programmed an email to be sent to Andrew with the info for some of his bank accounts and fucked off to try and find what his mother had stolen.

Neil gets on a ferry that will take six hours to reach the island where is the volcano that his mother had made him hide his father’s immortality. Neil got nekkid because he wanted to have clothes when he got out of the volcano, you know?

(Also, yes, I’m gonna ignore the other time inconsistency from his travel inside Japan, I was very much pressured by the whole “got recommended on the library” okay, you can judge me through those lenses)

Unfortunately, for him, he wasn’t alone when he finally climbed out of the volcano.

Fortunately for him, this Ichirou Moriyama doesn’t want his father, who is very much interested in becoming immortal, to actually become immortal. Neil explains the whole immortality thingy (I found some typos and honestly? I shan’t fix them. It adds character) and Ichirou subtly kicks Neil’s clothes closer to him, which... I get it, my guy. It’s kind of difficult to have an intimidating conversation when someone’s bits are out and about.

As they are trying to hash out their problem -- as in, Neil’s father told them that Neil’s immortality would be viable to cure Kengo --, Andrew appears blowing his ball of flames onto both of them, and Neil uses his powers to create a pocket that repels the fire, so it doesn’t touch him or Ichirou.

(Why didn’t he use those powers on his clothes, as well? Dunno, don’t poke at my plot too much or it will definitely crumble right into your face, you’re gonna inhale too much dust and die from fandom toxicity, AND THAT’S NO WAY TO REACH A GOOD DEATH)

btw:

Neil, my dude. The dragon thought you were in danger? Chill out???

Neil rages for a few seconds but quickly turns that into a situation to ask Moriyama for his protection against his father, since Neil just technically saved his life.

Oh, and if you think “Uhhh, why would Neil even believe that Ichirou would keep his word?”

Don’t worry, I gotchu:

Ichirou agrees with the deal, for plot reasons. Since he got a deal out of it kind of easily, Neil thinks, “Wait a minute. If I give my father’s immortality to this Moriyama, literally passing the hot potato around, then the Moriyamas won’t be after me for an immortality, my father probably won’t be immortal and come after me as the death machine he used to be and I might be able to use it to free a certain god????”

So Neil uses his father’s immortality to bargain for Jean’s freedom, and he doesn’t wait for Moriyama’s response for that one. He simply hops onto dragon!Andrew’s back and they fly away into the... sunset? Sunrise? Don’t ask me, I clearly can’t keep track of the time passage in my fics.

And this is the end of the chapter!

Let me say something that I hope will be quick: this chapter felt much better written to me then the other three. It’s shaky in places, definitely, and it could’ve gone through a more severe round of editing, but I can certainly feel the positive outcomes of the pressure I felt after my work got a shout-out. This fic had been pretty much geared towards myself, so writing about the world-building wasn’t my focus at all in the other three chapters. In this one, I try to at least explain some concepts I came up with which???? Go me??????

I still wish I had taken the time to work on this entire fic to make it as close to what I had in my head, but in a comprehensive form for the attention that it got, you know? I mean, from the ashes you crawl is still my most everything -- most kudos, hits, comments, bookmarks...  It deserved so much better but also... I like that it feels rough? I like that it can clearly help to contrast the growth of my style or whatever?

It was written after a long, long writer’s block, and it only got edited and posted because I decided to participate in an event for a different fandom and it got me excited about writing again.

Anyway, I’ve talked too much. Here’s to hoping I can contain myself in the next posts lmao

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | PART 4 | PART 5 | PART 6

[tempestshakes01]

happy and anxious. 

happy because i love my apartment and i love Lil Cup of Joe. he is a terror and the sweetest boy ever, and i feel so much love for him. this is why i can’t be around an animal for an extended period of time. i will die for any creature i get attached to and lil joe is now my baby. 

but i am anxious because i put of working when my brother brought home a puppy. he didn’t ask me to, but he’s an idiot who’s never home and bought a puppy to make him come home. i gave him 3 days and when his habits didn’t change, joe was being left alone and untrained, and i needed a running buddy--well, i took over. joe’s now potty-trained and knows a few (one) command. i take him everywhere to socialize him. he’s mine. but i’ll never say that to nick. who still needs to go therapy. i don’t know him. i don’t know what goes on in that head of his. it’s like we switched personalities in our 20s. i went from the quiet, serious type to basically a manic 13 yr old boy. he went from a wildly charismatic clown to a brooding hipster. what makes him laugh? what is he thinking? what is he passionate about? how does he talk to other ppl for hours but he can barely speak to his family for more than half of one? what did we do?

i got really angry the other night thinking about the fights i’ve had with my parents this past year. 

1) washington d.c. - mom and i got into to it in front of the fuckin white house at dusk. i was so emotional and upset at being there, right there where trump fucks over our country, and my mom was being...well, the woman fox news molded. i was furious and trying to keep it nice, so i asked if we could just stop. stop talking. i was gonna blow up. and my mom was like, “why do we stop when you say stop, but when i ask to stop, you continue?” which...is it true? i didn’t think so, and because i can’t keep my mouth shut, i argued until i walked away. i walked into the crowds and then i kept walking. i kept walking. i kept walking.  

it was terrible. i texted her “i’m gone” and i left. 

i forgot the details but i wandered that area of d.c. got a coffee. tried not to cry. and then...remembered how much trouble my mom’s phone was giving her, that her gps apps weren’t being accurate, that she wasn’t confident at the metro, and that it was now dark. that she was alone in an unfamiliar city with a camera bag strapped to her screaming “i’m a tourist!” 

i felt like utter and complete shit. it was one of the most despicable things i’ve ever done. later, i told some people and they were like “she’s a grown woman! you were both upset!” but no. i can’t make excuses like that. i knew that my mom was scared. i burst into tears. a crazy sobbing girl in the middle of d.c. i immediately texted her and told her to get back to me when she got to the hotel. 

an hour later, back at the hotel, my mom couldn’t even look at me. couldn’t speak to me. i knew i had to apologize and i did, wording it carefully because i walking on a minefield. i again blocked out most of the conversation, but it quickly dissolved into a mess of confessions. i was wrecked. at first because of what happened, but as our conversation turned into an argument, i became furious again. over how she interpreted some of our interactions. over how i “blamed” her for my anxiety and anger. i told her i got my anger from her. that i was slow to it like my father, but when something lit inside me it burned bright and hot and deadly like her. that her grudges and cold shoulders hurt me so, so badly when i was a kid (which she then explained wasn’t a grudge, just her processing her anger...but that was way, way into the night). oh god, it was so bad. so bad. she confessed how she felt about all us kids. told me about her problems with andi and nick. told me she wanted to move away from us. told me she didn’t want a relationship with me or them if it was going to be like this. 

i didn’t sleep. just cried and cried. like i did when i was a kid. sobbed in the bathroom and then under my covers. we barely talked the next day, but it slowly became okay. i didn’t know how to explain how much i loved her, so i tried to show her.      

in the end, we were ok enough. 

2) driving 30 hrs across the country - my dad and i were talking and he told me how he didn’t get us, and that we were hurting mom by rejecting her or something. he was upset and my dad doesn’t get upset, so i got upset and moody. and he was like “why are you like this? just with me? just with us. you’re so cruel.” and i knew it was true but it still took me an hour to snap out of it. and i apologized. 

--

but i feel sometimes angry bc i got the emo dump from both my parents. about both my siblings! and they don’t even talk to them about it! my parents don’t even touch nick anymore! they leave him alone because it’s easier that way and he wouldn’t listen even if they tried to talk to him! and my sister would get super huffy and feel judged and act out in some way and take the kids! so. i get it but i hate it!!! because i got the feelings dump! i got the tears and the hours of psychoanalyzing why we are the way we are! and i hate that i feel burdened by it sometimes?

 i want to be there for my parents but sometimes i’m that petulant child that still wants a mommy and daddy, not two parents who are human and exist with their own emotional life. and that’s so unfair to them and wrong of me, but i feel that way because i’m the child that gets this brunt of this side of them.  

but it’s because in my own way im the most difficult and this shit spills out when i push them. 

--

my parents (mostly mom) are only getting more set in their ways and defensive of their opinions. my mom...my mom who taught me so much about art and the world and appreciating different cultures and music and lived life with such vigor and wonder...i can see that fading and hardening. she’s stubborn about what she like and doesn’t have much interest in anything new. she’s offended and hurt when i gently bring up her how she used to be. 

my dad’s always been this way. very traditional, but kind. spoiled, but hardworking. likes what he likes. but he’s eating more greens. he’ll try what i make because i made it. we listened to latino usa and old radio lab podcasts that whole drive from wa to tx, and he loved it, and we discussed the episodes. and i loved him so much because he gave them a shot and we connected. 

but my mom. my mom. i miss her and she’s right there, but she’s not. and i know i’m part of the reason she’s retreated into herself and her more ‘sturdy’ beliefs and the friends who share them. she’s so quick to judge and harsh about it these days. is it age? is it us? is it this horrible world?

--

i came home to this. i came home and how quickly people change bc i didn’t expect my mom to be so old. in spirit. she’s tired. she doesn’t trust me. we’re working on being gentle. i’m working on not being so quick to anger.

my dad and i...i’m thrilled we’re getting along so well after i treated him like shit during the ~separation years~ between my parents. i was awful to him and he knew why, but he never called me out on it. 

my sis and i are fine. i’m so relieved she got out of that last relationship with that TERRIBLE PERSON and came to her senses, and somewhat grew up. we kick it. she cooks for me. we don’t completely jive cause she’s hood, but can code-switch between worlds, and i’m suburban through and through, so i’m not as cool or smooth as she is. i’m her dorky weird little sister and i appreciate her love for me. 

my brother? a mystery. a complete mystery. 

and i’m reminded of how he called me on my birthday and started weeping and asking about therapy and saying he’s sorry he never believed in my anxiety because it’s true--you don’t ask for, you don’t know why it appears, and it wrecks you. and he deals with it now for no discernible reason and he sounded so, so broken over the phone that i was shaking and crying when we hung up.

but now he’s as chill as ever and takes minimal care of his puppy because the 1st dog he got was pretty hands-off from the jump, but she was grown and pooed and peeded everywhere for months (he says no, but that’s selective memory), so now lil joe is mine and i need to get a job because the lack of structure is killlllllllllllllingggggg me. but i don’t want to leave lil joe :( 

--

it’s funny how i never set out to write all this shit, but it comes spilling out. 

huh. wait.

i left and i worked on myself but then i missed my family.

did i come back to work on the family? to work on my relationship with them? is that my purpose here and why i felt compelled to return?

--

went climbing with GA. i was totally afraid of falling and bouldering isn’t as fun to me as top rope, but i wanna keep at it. 

trying to set something up with B and A. my buds. i love em. 

gotta set something up with L because I have a feeling we’ll be good friends here. and weirdly, BG contacted me even though I haven’t talked to him since college? and even then we weren’t that close. he was just inching toward asking me out and never managed it.

--

fav emmy looks: zendaya (obviously. omg, whatta babe), maisie williams (whatta look, suits her perfectly, killed it), gwen christie (whatta jesus babe), that girl in the billowing mint green dress, anddddd clea duvall (a babe in a tux). 

vm continue to make me sad and hopefully things go well with tour for them. it’s nice to see them getting along with charlie and tanith. with bby charlie and tati and max’s kid coming along...oh boy for scott’s emotions. he’s gonna ignore the HELL out of those sad feeling for what couldvebeen with tess and he’s gonna plan hard for his and j’s future offspring instead. (can i also predict that i think one thing scott’s gonna have trouble with in his marriage--oddly enough--is keeping the marriage a partnership and not bulldozing over his spouse with his wants and needs ...wait, that’s not odd lol) 

--

anyway, gotta take joe out to pee. gotta get to bed soon because i wanna be on the trails by 7am and then maybe to the climbing gym. this face maybe a potato but my body can improve! (i’m thicc at the moment thanks to texas food 🤧) 

[beebomeebo]

Numb

Type: fluff

Request// “do you do anything besides smut? if so, can you do a fluff about a girl who's really depressed because her dad and stepmom are total assholes and brenny walks in on her relapsing and everything is all cute and cuddly bc they cry together and i need to be in a fucking relationship when that happens oml”

(A/N) Ahahahahahah sorry guys for being dead for so long, it has NOT been the best year for me but I'm dedicated to get more stuff done and get my shit together. & omg guys, thank you so much for 400 followers!! I’m sitting here in bed at 3:56 in the morning almost crying because I didn’t think my writing was that likable. Anyways, have a dribble drabble

Warnings: sneaky Bren, crying, the tiniest bit of angst, self-doubt, back talking, slight physical fight as well as verbal, cursing, :) fluffy Bren (: , !!no smut!! 

Pairing: Brendon Urie x Reader

Word Count: 2.2K

 I finally arrive home after a very long day at school. As I walk through my front door I slightly lower my shoulder so my backpack can slide off and heavily meet the wood floor. I throw my hair into a messy ponytail before slugging myself over to the couch. All I wanted at this moment was a nice nap.

I cross into the main hallway and into the living room. Not even bothering to walk around the couch I flip over from the back of it. Landing face down, the fluffy cushions mold to my body as I reach for a throw pillow to place my head on. Right as I close my eyes I feel my phone vibrate in my back pocket. I groan quietly to myself as I dig it out. Keeping my half my face buried into the pillow I bring the screen to my face to read the text message.

 Brendon :)

Hey, how did school go?

 Too tired to write a real response I type:

 Stupid. Gonna sleep, txt u l8r

 I then toss my phone onto the coffee table and melt into the warm couch cushions.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

“Y/N! Y/N!”

I’m abruptly yanked out of my dream. My vision goes from black to hazy to a blur. And as my eyes adjust to my surroundings I feel a soft object collide with my face.

“Y/N! Wake up right now!” I turn to realize that my bitch of a stepmother, Sara, had thrown a pillow at me. “I specifically told you to clean the bathroom and the kitchen when you got home. And what have you been doing for the past two hours?”

I peel myself from the couch and glance over at the clock to notice, indeed, that two hours have passed. “Uh, sleeping?”

Obviously very pissed, Sara mumbles between her teeth, “Worthless child.”

“I’m sorry, what?” I retaliate.

“I said, ‘worthless child.’” She replies, this time slightly louder. “All you do around here is eat our food and sleep. You never do chores, you never do anything for this family.”

“What the fuck do you mean I don’t do anything? I literally just gave your dumbass dog a bath.”

“Do not use that language with me.”

“Or what, Sara? Or fucking what?” My blood begins to boil as Sara’s face turns with anger. With my adrenaline up, I quickly stand to face Sara. I was a good five inches taller so I wasn’t really scared of her. Just as I was about to turn around to retire to my bedroom Sara quickly raises her hand and strikes it across my cheek. I stumble slightly but quickly regain my balance. Now beyond pissed, I shove Sara into the kitchen counter behind her and her back collides with the marble. She falls to the ground clutching her back.

She picks her head up and looks up at me. “Go live with your fucking mother.”

“Fuck you.” I spat and then stormed into my room, making sure to grab my phone from the coffee table.

As I was leaving, Sara shouted, “Nobody loves you, you ungrateful brat.”

I shoved earphones into my head and turned the volume as high as it can go. Then I just lay there in my bed, looking up at my ceiling. My vision becomes blurry as droplets of water develop in my eyes and then disappear down my face as I blink them away. Soon, I can only see blurry before I completely shut my eyes and just weep. A small puddle forms on my pillow where my tears have landed. I try to lose myself in the loud songs that played through my headphones but I couldn’t help replay those words: “Nobody loves you.” It was as if my head was a broken stereo and those words were the only songs that would play.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

I stopped crying about twenty minutes ago and now was blankly staring up at my ceiling, imagining what it would be like if my dad never met Sara.

A whole lot better. I thought to myself.

After a few minutes of creating my perfect life with just my dad- one where he never went to that bar and met Sara- I hear a muffled tapping noise through my blaring music. I quickly sit up to see if it was my dad coming in to yell at me. But my door remained closed and unmoved. Shrugging it off as just my imagination I lay back down but here it again. I jerk myself upright and this time I lower my music volume and take an earbud out.

“Yes?” I say quietly. No response. Then, the tapping noise starts up again, this time a bit louder and aggressive. It catches my attention that the sound was coming from my window. Tap tap tap. Unaware of what was waiting for me on the other side of the glass, I grab my softball bat that I kept in the corner of my room. As I slowly creep toward my purple curtains a faint silhouette starts to appear; as I step closer and closer the figure becomes taller and taller. Fear surges through me like lightning as I become only inches away from the sheer that masked the figure. Tap tap tap. I close my eyes, take the deepest breath my lungs can receive, and gather every ounce of courage that I have. Swiftly unmasking the window, I raise my weapon in anticipation of an attack. The figure becomes recognizable from the tall, dark hair to the sharp line of their jaw. I pause in space as my mind races to attach a name to the face.

“Brendon.” I breathe with relief mixed with surprise.

“Y/N, let me in! And why are you wielding a bat?” The boy says through the glass.

“What are you doing here?” I asked hushed so Sara wouldn’t hear me. Setting the bat against the wall I unlock the window and lift the glass so Brendon can crawl through.

“You weren’t answering my calls and texts and I got worried.” He says to my back as I close the window and pull the curtains over to cover it. I sigh in response.

“I just haven’t been in the mood to talk to anyone,” I say turning around to meet him.

Brendon’s face shifts from soft to concern as his eyebrows furrow and his puffed lips gap open. His stocky fingers gently graze the side of my face that had previously made contact with Sara’s palm. My eyes darted to his shoes. He wore his favorite worn sneakers and I noticed there was still dirt on them from waiting outside the window.

“Don’t tell my Sara did this.” His voice was stern yet soft.

I stayed silent, scared that if I speak my words will catch in the back of my throat. I clench my jaw to pull back tears that were forming.

Brendon cloaks me with his arms as I’m pulled into his chest. My arms wrap around his torso and hold tightly onto him. We stand there for a moment in perfect silence.

“What did Ms. Skank do this time?” Brendon asks gently pulling away from me and pulling me toward the bed to sit down.

I sat on my cross leg next to him as I relive the entire scene, making sure to tell Brendon every moment I could recall.

“’Go live with your mother?’ What kind of person says that type of thing?” He asks with disbelief.

I shrug, staring at my wood floor. “She knew it would hurt me. That’s why she said it.” I feel the similar adrenaline kick as my heart picks up speed. My jaw clenches, my fists close tightly, and my body stiffens as I reply every moment that Sara has made me feel worthless and stupid. Then I think of my mom, how gentle she would be, how understanding. My muscles soften at the memories of her.

Noticing my change in mood, Brendon squeezes my hand and pulls me to his chest. I rest my head on his shoulder and he rubs my arm.

“I miss her so much.” I finally whisper, teardrops hitting Brendon’s leg.

“I know, I know.” He hushes, gently placing a kiss in my hair.

I break away from him. “You know, if I hadn’t gone to that party this never would have happened.” I choked.

“Y/N, don’t blame yourself. This is not your fault.” Brendon’s puppy dog eyes scan my face and I notice that a thin film of water was developing on his bottom lash line.

I break away from his eye contact and lower my head to hide my face. “Sometimes I wish I was with her. Forever.”

Stumbling on his words Brendon chokes, “Please don’t ever say that, Y/N. I need you. You’re the only thing that’s real in this shit hole of a town. If you left I don’t know what I would do.”

I finally gather the strength to look up at Brendon; his eyes were bloodshot and puffy, there were small rivers running down his face and his bottom lip quivered. I crash into his chest and let all my emotions go. All the pain and hurt that I’ve been bottling up pours out of like a waterfall as I clutch onto Brendon. He began sobbing along with me. In that moment, we were both vulnerable. Yet, together, we were strong.

After what felt like ages, the sobbing calms and we’re both just left holding each other. I break away to wipe my smeared makeup off my face but Brendon beats me to it. “I’m sorry for being such an ugly crier,” I whisper into his hand.

“Join the club.” He chuckles and I catch a glimpse of the hairpin curl of his smile.

I smile weakly at his joke.

“Why don’t we get you cleaned up and watch some movies, huh?” He raises and offers his hand.

I nod and accept his hand in mine as he leads me to my bathroom. I blankly stare into my mirror as Brendon turns on the shower. My body feels numb and exhausted from crying and all I can do is stare at my reflection. Noticing my lack of movement Brendon wraps his arms around my waist and rests his head on my shoulder. I hold his strong arms. We make eye contact through the reflection and I become lost in his deep brown eyes.

“You know, you’re the most beautiful girl at school.” He speaks to me. “I was so nervous to speak to you last year. And when you said yes to going on that date- after like, five attempts- I was beyond excited. You make me feel like a kid in a candy shop.” His cheesy words force my cheeks to redden and I try to muffle my laughter. “And you taste just as sweet.” He winks and smiles at his own humor.

I roll my eyes and break away from his grip. “Ok. It’s time for you to leave.” I laugh as I playfully shove him out of the bathroom.

“The way you scream my name is so sexy!” He says quickly before I close the door on him.

“Shut up!” I yell through the door. Once in peace, I grin like an idiot. Stripping my clothes off my body I feel the water and once naked, I step into the steaming chamber. Every muscle relaxes as I lose myself in the water.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

I turn off the shower and step onto my bathmat. The yarn bristles tickle the space in between my toes. I reach for my towel and wrap it around my wet body. Opening the door, I notice Brendon sitting on my bed flipping through Netflix. His attention switches to me.

“Feel better?” He smiles.

“A little,” I answer making my way to my closet.

“Oh, I already got your PJs ready.” He lifts a pile of fabric that was at his side. I smile and take the clothing from him.

We stare at each other for a moment before he gets the idea and turns his back to me. I face my back to him as I let the towel drop to my feet. And quickly slip on the warm, soft fabric. I turn around to a smiling Brendon.

“Were you watching the entire time?” I laugh, chucking the towel at his head, landing on his head and drapes over his face.

“Maybe.” He sings through the towel. “You’re just so sexy.” He chuckles, removing the towel from his face.

I roll my eyes while I take my place next to him. “So, what are we watching?”

“Well, I was thinking either Finding Dory or Minions.” He showcases the most childlike grin.

“Really?” I say sarcastically, “Kid movies?”

“Finding Dory it is!” He pecks my cheek and clicks on the movie title. I roll my eyes as he pulls me to his chest. Shuffling my body, I adjust to cuddle up to him. My arm drapes perfectly around his torso and I feel the steady movements of his breathing. Brendon nestles his face against my hair, planting a kiss on it. “You know I love you, right?”

“Shut up and watch the movie.” I tease.

“Well fuck you, too, then.”