#anyway they serve him a nasty patty

[sound-overlord]

if i had the time and energy id write a ficlet but i think the gang from always sunny in philadelphia killing darth maul would play out exactly like the health inspector episode of spongebob

[nicollekidman]

st patty's tipsy so that's my excuse but abby i am here and knocking on your door and spilling into your house to share a drink and green-tinged edible brownies with you and to talk about dogs and being kept. to say that for all the crimes of s&b (book and show) there is something about kazinej and malina. something like. they ard very different obviously. obviously. but. kaz is kind of murdery in a nasty way, like he enjoys getting silly with it (it= scaring the shit out of people. also murder). inej battling the allegations that she is a murderous wraith by being pious, by being selective about her murders and condemning kaz when he asks her to kill certain people but doing it for him anyway - the struggle to be Good matters soo much to her. men who calls themselves monsters with a kind of bitter pride and young women who are trying really really hard to be Good but are negotiating with what it means to sometimes have power over others andd who actually would/do kill violently under circumstances and sometimes even feel good about it!! and like kaz is not a good person but he Is. the darkling is not a good person but if kaz had lived a few hundred years before meeting inej he would easily be on that level of nasty. jessie serving horny alina when she uses her powers for the first time..... girls and knives and captivity and men who are insane simps for them. self-hating-but-not-really monsters obsessed with myth-making their own faults. myth-making their wraiths their sun summoners. nasty monsters who are Not Normal about women who try to be Good........

and then. And then!! they reach across the funhouse-mirror parallelism because of the knife. That Knife. you Give a Girl a Knife.....i am just saying thatt these are four people who love blood and gravity and drama and being psychosexually obsessed with their own and each other's saintliness vs monstrosity. also i think kaz and the darkling would like very badly to be kept as small dogs by these women. they are so Stupid. kings of phantom thread romance because they would love alina and inej to poison them and tell them to slow down a little. unrelated but if they were all fucking each other, the four of them i mean, there would either be so much collateral trauma and casualty that their relationship could feasibly be called a war crime, or it would calm all of them the fuck down and bring about world peace ✌️ here finish the wine, i gotta go home but text me later xoxo

you scared the SHIT out of me by accidentally typing malina but then followed it up with such a sexy message thank god. i will comment on this later but rest assured we are on the same wavelength! you get it!!

[theficplug]

𝔏𝔬𝔳𝔢𝔯𝔰 ℑ𝔫 𝔄 𝔇𝔞𝔫𝔤𝔢𝔯𝔬𝔲𝔰 𝔗𝔦𝔪𝔢 - 𝔒𝔰𝔠𝔞𝔯 𝔇𝔦𝔞𝔷

Warnings: violence maybe ? none yet really (but i mean it’s my writing so yall know smut is coming lol so 18+)

Oscar Diaz x black reader

You slowly open one eye to look at the clock on your nightstand reading 2:43 in the morning. At this time of night you knew it could only be one person. 

You quickly threw on your cobalt blue robe accented with the floral pattern over your sweats and bralette and padded through your dark decent sized studio apartment towards the loud wrapping at your door. 

"Rough night?" you ask as you give the battered man standing in your doorway a small smile to mask the feeling of worry and dread sitting in the pit of your stomach while taking in all of his wounds.

“If I knew you were coming I would’ve worn something better than this big ass bonnet and old sweats.” you say trying to ease the tension as you reach out for him.

His usual plump lips were slightly busted and the freshly formed bruises were beginning to take shape onto his cheekbone. Your eyes wander to his side and you notice that there must be a deeper wound soaking onto the now crimson stained once white vest top. 

You place his arm over your shoulders and let him lean into you as you help him inside and onto your kitchen table before rushing to the bathroom to grab supplies and towels.

To say that you were a stranger to putting Oscar back together when he fell apart would be a lie.

Since you two were younger you’d always been the one to grab an ice pack for him from the nurse’s office when he’d get into it with the kids on the yard over something they’d say to you that he didn’t like. Or like the time you were helping him up off the ground when he was first initiated. That was the first time you’d ever been that angry and sad in your life. 

It was hard for you to accept at first. Your family came from rivaling parts of town, but a few wrong decisions and moves from your family and you ended up living across the street from Oscar. Your father and his father decided over the years that they had one common ground. Their common ground was to protect the block so they came up with a sort of truce if you could call it that. Down the line Oscar’s father ended up going to prison and basically all hell broke loose.

Life changed when Oscar had to step up and eventually become Spooky and you had to make a decision to leave Freeridge to later come back and help. You left for university a few towns over to become a doctor. It took a lot of years of discipline in medical school and a lot of all-nighters, but here you were back in Freeridge to give a voice to black women in the medical field after noticing black mothers were dying during and after childbirth at an alarming rate (not being taken seriously by their non-black doctors usually played a huge part in this statistic).

"I've seen better days." he says, giving you a half hearted chuckle and you nod along listening to his voice but his tired and purple-y pink eyes spoke louder than his words. 

 This was him. He never said much, not even the day you two met in middle school. 

Flashback 

You just wouldn’t stop talking when you walked over to him sitting by himself under a tree eating his own food. You even asked him if he liked anime and let him watch Inuyasha on your ipod.

“You make your own lunch?” you would ask him as he’d nod and take the bag out of his backpack. 

“Yeah, I ain’t got nobody to do all the shit like on the shows where they have pancakes waiting on the counter for breakfast. And like the brown paper lunch bag with the ham sandwich and apple slices in it or whatever they put in it. And I don’t like the stuff they serve. I wake up early anyways so I just make my own shit and something for Cesar to eat in the mornings.” he says laughing and laying out the little containers on his backpack one with mac and cheese in it and another with what seems like a hamburger patty.

“I get you. My parents work a lot to try to pay off some of my fathers “expenses” as they put it so. I usually just get whatever nasty food they’re serving up in the caf.” you say as you snuggle in next to him and pull open your chocolate milk carton. 

Ever since then you two met everyday under that tree in the courtyard during lunchtime. He eventually started bringing a container for you too so that you could eat “something good for once” as he would say. 

His intentions were always good at heart but they at times were clouded by his rage.

He wouldn’t, almost as if he couldn’t, let himself feel the hurt and process the trauma. He didn’t have the time to process it all because he was always thinking of his next move for himself and for Cesar.

His father left and his mother was never around as you learned quickly when you’d spend hours at a time at his home sometimes while your parents were off taking care of business. It was Oscar doing the grocery shopping, making sure Cesar never fell behind with his homework and classwork, and that he knew that he was loved. 

He was left behind to take care of his own business. You met Cesar pretty early on when he’d chase you around with random beetles he’d find in the yard and put in requests for you to bring him Gogurts and m&ms from your house. He liked you instantly and took it rather hard when you left for uni. 

You offered to take them both with you, but “Spooky” had already built a “life” for himself that Oscar didn’t get to walk away from.

Present

You move around the kitchen to sterilize all of your supplies and lay them on the table next to him before cutting the shirt open to take a look at how deeply the weapon seared into him.

Your eyes moved up his body following the patterns of the bruises, cuts, and scrapes before meeting his eyes. You looked at you for a moment before looking away from your gaze and nodding to give you the okay to do what you have to do to fix him up.

You knew that it was better to never ask questions about his escapades.Which was fine because you weren’t sure if you ever wanted the real answer. It was almost a routine for him to come visit you from time to time. Whether it was to hook-up or just because he needed someone to talk to because it seemed like he could trust no one besides you, Cesar, and Jose. 

He stopped coming around after you told him you found someone. Safe to say that someone didn’t give a reason as to why he didn’t want to date you anymore after only 3 weeks and tried to avoid eye contact with you at the clinic.

You pour him a shot before pressing a soft kiss to his lips and proceeding with cleaning and closing up the deepest wound. You bandage the first one before moving onto the rest.

“Duele como una perra (hurts like a bitch).” he groans before you give him a quiet “i know” and press another gentle kiss to his lips.

 Around an hour later you were in bed with him after ordering food for the both of you. Your fingers tracing over his temples softly trying to get him to fall asleep, but he insisted on staying up and catching up with you for the last month when you haven’t had a chance to talk. More so kissing on you and loving on you when he should be resting.

“You’re not Spooky to me, you know. You’re still the same person who ditched so you didn’t have to participate in dissection day. You’re still the same person who taught me what the difference between a prawn and a shrimp. I mean I’m not blind to the fact that things have changed. Cesar calls me from time to time. I know what’s going on. I’m just saying, let’s go. Let’s leave. Let’s start over. Don’t you want that? We can go to Hawaii or Canada. Somewhere we can just start over. We could convince them that you’ve died from these wounds and they won’t even look for you.You know I can make it happen. I’ll still practice and you can carve a new life for you and for Cesar.” you say as you run your fingers over his chest.

He stops kissing on your neck to look at you for a moment considering that your impulsive plan might actually work before shaking his head.

“I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about it. You know this isn’t what I wanted, but I knew that  eventually it’d catch up with me. I just didn’t want Cesar wrapped up in all of this bullshit. I don’t know. Maybe it could work. But you know if this goes bad-” he says trailing off and you give him a quiet “i know” before wiping at a stray tear from his cheek.

You wrap your arms around him and slide your hand down to rest on his stomach gently.

“I’ve got something for you.” you say quietly before moving his hand from your thigh and reaching into the nightstand 

“Maybe this will finalize your decision, Oscar.” you speak softly while placing the ultrasound in his hand and watch as his expressive eyebrows scrunch before it dawns on him. 

He looks from you to the apricot shaped grey blob on the photo and back to you while nodding.

“I knew it. I knew something was different about you this time. Your skin is glowing more. You’ve got a different energy.” he says as he leans up wincing at the pain and wraps his arms around you to the best of his ability without aggravating the wound on his side. 

“ I wanted to wait until I knew for sure before I told you. 9 weeks today. Can you believe it? That’s why we have to do this. You deserve happiness and peace too Oscar. I can see you with your own restaurant. You changing lives by donating a portion of your food to those in need. Me with my practice for women of colour. We could even get Cesar in university or a trade school. Whatever he’d want to do. He knows he has my full support.” you plead to him as you trace over his cheekbone and take his hands into yours.

“Alright but we gotta do this precisely. There’s no room for mistakes-” .

@chaneajoyyy @blackmissfrizzle @theogbadbitch @spookys-girl @ceo-of-baby @heybriheyyy @sweetpeachjones @mbakuwife @wholelotta-melanin @ambitionwood @bigchoose @teardropzih @theesotericqueen @mirandkimy @doitforthevine67 @dasia21​ @sinfully-dope​ @love17us @amyhennessyhouse

(lemme know if i missed anybody for the tag list. i know this intro is long as hell but if yall like it i’ll keep writing on this one lol) 

[folded-irony-blade]

So, I’ve been holding onto this girl for a while. She’s a fan troll.

I adopted her from SophiaBlackwood on Deviantart, and together we came up with a hella cool story for her, which I have adequately expanded in time.

At first, when I saw her, I thought she’d be best as a cobalt blood with that dress. Seemed a logical conclusion for me. But, I did some soul searching, and came up with something a whole lot better. At first, I thought she should be a Caprist.

She’s basically pretty chill with authority, doesn’t really protest government, or anything like that. Doesn’t give two fucks what the empire is doing, as long as she can go about her ways without problem. She exists in the present, and generally would like to keep it that way. Thoughts of the future, of inheriting her father’s empire of GRUB PATTY RESTAURANTS fills her with stress. Which brings us to...

Behold. The PATTY PATRIARCH. 

This motherfucker right here, is the progenitor, and owner, of the PATRIARCH PATTY franchise of grubburger restaurants. They serve a plate of hot, fresh foodstuffs, harvested straight from the PATRIARCH PLANTATION, on which LIHZYE BORDNE, the aforementioned gothic lolita, lives. 

Fields of GRUBBURGER PATCHES, GROUND STARCH LINK BUSHES, RED FRUIT ORB PIE TREES, and a FROZEN DAIRY DRINK GEYSER are characteristic of the PATRIARCH PLANTATION's general makeup. These wonderful delights, as well as others, are harvested around-the-clock by lowblood labourers, who get paid basically fucking nothing, to bring you the best in homegrown alternian foodstuffs. 

The best part about it, is it's FREE. Go to any PATRIARCH PATTY location, and just order to your heart's content. The fees came in the TAXES which AUTOMATICALLY DEDUCTED directly from your bank account. Don't have a bank account? You probably noticed you're missing a fiver here, or there, every other day. That's part of the PATTY PATRIARCH'S guaranteed tax plan. He's the KING of patties, and he will take his dues. 

Nobody knows where he lives. He's never on the plantation. If you're lucky, when you show up to a restaurant location, he might just zap on down for a visit. Do some clowning around, entertain guests, decapitate a couple lucky patrons for your entertainment, then he's gone before the drones can show up, leaving everyone with the experience of a lifetime.

Around the clock means around the clock. Bring some fucking sunscreen.

Lihzye Bordne is expected to inherit the PATRIARCH line. Which she wants absolutely fucking nothing to do with, because she has other interests.

Their lusus is a giant white Bullgator. Who occasionally feeds on labourers who have been worked to death.

The Condesce is fully aware of the existence of the Patriarch, and she sees him as a bit of a thorn in her side. Since he keeps showing up on Alternia, where adults are fucking forbidden. But she can't do jack shit about him, because where the fuck does he even go? She doesn't know. She has no idea what kind of teleportation technology he's using. She can't trace him. And she's basically given the fuck up, even though she gets taxed for his food too.

Not that it's much of a bother, since she has basically infinity money. She just makes occasional orders of PP food, to make herself feel better about how fucking helpless she is to stop this boy from clowning around.

If you pay the taxes, you are automatically entered in the PATRIARCH Lottery. If you win, you are not told you've won. You wake up in the middle of the day. Terrified. You hear the honking of clown shoes approaching. The door to your respiteblock opens slowly, creaking on its hinges. You tremble. Knowing the end is nigh. A clown has come to cull you, for funsies, or maybe to make some paint from your blood, or take you to clown church. This is it. THIS IS THE E-

The clown puts a paper bag on your bed, then gives you two jaunty, but careful, pats on the head, and quickly retreats, honking all the way. Your bed is wet. But you have survived this day.

The bag is a PATRIARCH MEAL. Extra Large.

Anyway, back to Lihzye.

Lihzye doesn't enjoy the whole 'oppressing the lower castes' thing, but isn't much of one to stand against it either. She occasionally culls particularly cute, or good looking lowbloods to add to her collection. Other times, she'll drag the corpses of those who've died from exhaustion, instead. Lihzye has a parlour full of dolls. Except those dolls are actually stuffed trolls. She takes these poor dudes, and dudettes, and drags them into her preparation room, where she drains their blood out, replaces it with Faygo-based preservatives, then dresses them up in custom-made dresses, gowns, and suits, before setting them up in her parlour. She talks to them. She reads to them. She grooms them, and makes sure they look as good as they did when they were alive, because gross dead looking dolls are nasty as fuck.

She sees this act as 'levelling the caste system'. Because 'we're all equal in death.' Occasionally, if she gets the chance, she'll add a mid, or high blood to her collection, as well, but that's rare. It almost takes getting people to donate their corpses to her directly. 

She doesn't drink faygo straight. Instead, she prefers other, refined faygo-based drinks. She'll boil faygo down to its base components, soak tea leaves in the concentrated faygo juices and/or powder, then make faygo tea, using hot faygo water, which exists btw. Other times, she'll distill the sugary juice with wormwood into Faygo Absinthe, which she'll serve chilled, and drip cold faygo water over a cube of refined faygo sugar(sugar extracted from faygo), as you do when drinking Absinthe properly.

Her strife specubi is Hatchetkind. Hand-hatchets, and two-handed one-blade axes both fall into this category. Basically, any woodcutting axe.

Her name is based off of https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lizzie_Borden

Her chucklevoodoos don't work on living beings. Instead, if she were to ever use them, and directly defy imperial code restricting chucklevoodoo use, her ability is to mind control the dead. Thus making her parlour a small army of puppets. Her dead puppets have the full gammot of powers they had when alive. Thus giving her access, vicariously, to goldblood, blueblood, rustblood, etc powers, depending on who she has in her parlour.

[moczothe1st]

Let’s Play Fire Emblem IV: Genealogy of the Holy War, Part 23: An Altenuous Situation

Part 22

Welcome back to another week of Let’s Tolerate Thracia.  …. I mean, let’s play Fire Emblem IV.  When we left off, we had just recruited the world’s worst hostage, and were about to send him back to save his doofus father.  Let’s check out our new kid!

So here’s Cairpre. He’s… he’s certainly around.  His Major Bragi holy blood and all those staves in his backpack should be enough to tell you he’s actually the second child of Claude and Sylvia, making him Lene’s younger brother.  How he ended up in Thracia, away from his sister and adopted by Santa Claus, will have to be a story for another time because right now we’re summarizing his unit and he’s… okay.  Basically another Claude. He starts off at level one, which is not as big a problem as it could be because he should never, ever be in combat anyway, and comes in with several long-range healing staves that will make his level shoot up fast. He’s just another healer, really. Not a bad healer, but nothing super impressive. 

He starts the long walk back to his adopted father to recruit him while Patty just keeps right on stabbing some helpless dude, like a hero.

Good job, Patty! The healer down south of her who kept patching that guy up should push her over the edge to another level, and she’ll be close to promotion.  And with him gone, other units who were busy keeping her target standing still can move to clear out Hannibal’s castle.

Mook: If you wish to claim it, you must first claim my life!

There was absolutely no need to do that. He’d have disappeared peacefully when I recruit Hannibal anyway.  I just wanted the free experience points.

Patty is learning to become a cannon lately, huh? When she promotes she’ll just wreck people.  Lana also gains a level from warping our remaining promotion candidates back to home base to pick up their new clothes, with Lene’s help. 

Your mom would be proud, sweetie. But not as proud as I will be of our four shiny new promotes!  

Oh, that’s beautiful. Tinni in particular is a standout here, because promoting to War Mage lets her use swords (which… no), Staves, and pushes her Thunder rank up to A so she can finally buy her mom’s old Thoron tome.  

And Patty is here too! Cairpre even gains his first level just from zapping the army with his Fortify staff.  A good one, too. I’m so proud-ish of him.  And from here, Seliph is finally close enough to recruit Altena…

Altena: My brother, Prince Leif, has explained the truth to me, and I can no longer oppose you. If you please, I’d like to join your ranks.

Seliph: Princess Altena?! … Ah, yes. That’s right! Prince Leif has told me everything, and we’ve both prayed you would come… He’ll be so glad to know you’ve joined us. You’ve made a difficult but wise decision.

(I like the implication that the entire drama with Altena was something Seliph knew about, but just kind of slipped his mind.)

Altena: … I can still scarcely believe this has all happened. And yet, the moment I gazed into my brother’s eyes, I understood everything.

(Platonically! She was gazing into his eyes platonically! God, I hate that I feel the need to specify that.)

Altena: His eyes revealed my father’s warm gaze…  and as clear as if it were yesterday, I felt for a split second as if I was swaddled in my mother’s gentle arms…

(PLATONICALLY!)

Seliph: I admit I’m still not entirely sure what King Travant was trying to do with you. I still cannot see what would have led him to spare you and bring you into his home after murdering your parents…

(… It was the holy spear of the gods that only she can wield. Why do so many people have trouble grasping that?!)

Altena: I’ve heard he once told my brother, Arion, that he sought to use the power of Leonster’s holy lance, Gae Bolg, as his own. For that alone, he needed me…

Seliph: You were little more than a tool to him?

Altena: I… I’m still not entirely sure. For all his cruelty, he still treated me as if I were his true daughter.

(… When?)

Seliph: Did he, now… I suppose I’ve never known much of his ways.

(That’s cool, neither did the writers.)

Altena: I must as a favor of you, milord. It’s about Arion… we need to help Prince Arion!

Seliph: Certainly! I’m hardly eager to fight a man of his fine caliber, if what I’ve heard is true. The only question is, can we convince him?

Altena: I’ll do my best to persuade him again. All I ask is a little time. Please, milord!

… and having had that dopey mess, also let Cairpre recruit Hannibal.

Cairpre: Lord Seliph freed me from Luthecia!

Hannibal: Cairpre?! Y…you’re safe!

Cairpre: Yep! Listen, Papa…. I want to join Lord Seliph’s army. Thracia’s changed so much lately…. I want to fight to help all of its people, and bring back the old Thracia!

Hannibal: Heh… you’ve grown into a splendid young man, Cairpre. Very well! I, too, shall serve Lord Seliph.

Cairpre: Yes! Thank you, Papa! First we’ll help free Thracia, and then together, we’ll challenge the Empire!

See, Altena? That was a nice normal discussion that didn’t make either of them look like total doofuses who weren’t paying attention to the war they were in. Ah, well, let’s take a look at the newbies.

So here’s Hannibal. He… well, let’s not mince words, he probably wasn’t worth the effort of recruiting him. He’s not a bad unit, inherently, being a General with Pavise, Vantage, and Adept (though with only 11 speed, it’s unlikely he’ll be activating that third one very often). It’s just that the majority of his stats are only ‘decent’ at a time in the game when many units are approaching ‘godlike’, and like Arden before him, he has a lower movement range than everyone else in a game where you’ll quickly find yourself wishing everyone would just get a horse. He’ll get a little use, but honestly most of the time he’ll be staying at our home base to make sure no random reinforcements sneak up and steal it from under us.

And after two borderline duds, we finally get our shining diamond of the map.  Altena is a monster; even unpromoted her stats are already mostly equal or better than Hannibal’s, and she’s got more levels left to gain than he does with better growth rates on top of it, thanks to coming with two different Holy Blood types, Major Nova and Minor Baldur.  She’s also a flying unit, meaning Fee no longer has to go everywhere alone, and comes into the army carrying all of Quan’s old spears, including the truly awesome Gae Bolg coming at last back to our hands after we barely got to play with it last time.  It may not be the almighty nuke that Forseti or Balmung are, but +10 each to Strength, Skill, and Defense is nothing to sneeze at.  Our two combatants can now head into nearby castles to face the Arena. I suspect… there will be slight differences in performance.

Altena: Seven wins, gained two levels: +3 HP, +2 Strength, +1 Speed, +2 Defense

Hannibal: Six wins, gained one level: +1 Strength

One of these two had a better performance. Though, in fairness, Hannibal getting creamed did let Lana gain a level from healing him.

Much better!  Okay end turn.

Legion of Doom: I suppose it was unavoidable… Fortify our defensive line. Until reinforcements arrive, we must defend the castle at all costs.

Brock from Pokemon: Heh, no matter. The rebels’ little rampage ends here. Ready, men? We’re going in. The Emperor himself’s put a handsome bounty on each rebel head. We mustn’t waste a chance to claim it for ourselves!

So there’s our next issue. The invading Grannvale squad to the north is fairly nasty. Entirely composed of promoted cavalry units and packing two healers with them; they’re hard to wear down in a single turn, and if they all get a shot at the same unit they can definitely take out all but our strongest kids.  So, you know, don’t let that happen.  To the south, at Grutia castle, is almost the opposite; a veritable swarm of ballistae, so Fee and Altena can’t even really get close, and a Dark Bishop with a siege tome. Once we get close to them they’ll break like cheap glass, but getting there can be risky, to say the least.  We’re going to split up; it’s a bit tricky, but in general the ballistae are not a huge issue compared to the bishop miniboss, so anyone who goes for the southern castle mostly has to have enough resistance to take a shot from him, or enough speed and luck to reliably dodge him. I go with Seliph, Leif, Nanna, Ares, Larcei, Shannan, Julia, Arthur, and Lana.  The rest of the army will be blocking off the pass to stop the incoming cavalry. Ideally, we’ll get a situation where we can split their attack across several people and then crush them on the return trip.  A few turns over movement, and we find ourselves…

Not even close! Everyone was too far away, and that first one snuck up on me real good.  I didn’t realize I’d put Lester at the edge of someone’s movement. I was so caught off guard I didn’t screenshot the combat (he dodged. Go archery!).  So our first step right now is to back the Hell up.

…

Well, okay, second step.

That’s for swinging at my squishy horse archer, jerkass. I draw back everyone to create a battle line that’s split in the middle by the castle; this should be drawing out a big chunk of the enemy without letting them focus fire on one character. End turn!

Not bad, other than the fact I forgot to equip Finn with his big-people spear and he got a little creamed. Cairpre, care to patch the team up?

Good kid. Rest of the team, rock out!

…. I really dislike that we couldn’t kill that fucking mid-boss. He hits like a truck and he’s annoyingly fast. I… don’t want to end the turn. I see it going badly. But… *sigh*… let’s see…

…. Yeah, I knew that was gonna happen. I knew it. Dammit. Reset.

Okay. This time, we are going to be brave and run away. Once more, kill the outer layer and flee. Go, my brave cowards!

And with this, the only character in the boss’s attack range is Arthur, who is parked in the castle and wielding Forseti. Yes, I am a vindictive person.  End turn!

… That’s it?!  You didn’t even take a shot, you fucker! Fine, fine, Arthur will come to you.  

Congratulations, Musar, you managed to land a single blow.  That is more than most of the foes he slaughters can achieve.  Arthur also gets the droppable Tornado tome from this boss, meaning he can sell the Elwind he’s been using for his sister to pick up later, or maybe it can go to Lana after I get a chance to promote her, haven’t decided yet. Cairpre even gains another level after healing Arthur’s boo-boos.

Good kid! Not very bright, but talented in his own way.  Now, hey, who wants to slaughter?

*sniff* Not bad at all. All that remains of this enemy force is one healer that Patty can chew on to her heart’s content. I have Lana warp Lester back to the home base to promote, and on the next turn she can do the same to Arthur.  This army is really coming together!  To the north, I’m going to let Cairpre have most of the villages; he’ll need money to repair his staves after spamming them to gain levels on this map. Lana will too, of course, but she…

Has a booooooooooooyfriend. Ulster is rolling in cash and he’ll only be getting more, since he barely needs to spend anything these days, relying on nice normal swords instead of legendary money sinks, so I’ll just have him give Lana all his wealth next turn.

Now, to the south, it’s… *sigh*… time to wade into the Ballista Storm, I suppose. This will be annoying, so I’m just gonna smash it as quickly and brutally as I can; Ares, Leif, and Seliph, go right for the boss and kill.  Everyone’s on a horse so they should only have to spend one turn being shot at before they reach and take out the boss. Eeeeeeeend turn!

And you know what, let’s just stop there? It’s like seven more shots of just that.  I hate ballistae so much.

Judah: This world is Lord Loptyr’s to smother in darkness!

I appreciate that I somehow managed to miss the cool-looking part of the Fenrir spell and got the weird hit-flash moment where the whole screen turns randomly blue. Now then, our turn, and let’s try to end this fast.

*whistle* Leif, I always forget just how much of a monster promotion turns you into.  Up to the north, meanwhile, we still have an army.  I know, I forgot them too.  

You do you, Patty. While Patty torments a priest… again… Lene takes this time to chat with her newly-recruited and long-lost brother that she doesn’t actually know.

Lene: Wait, you’re from Darna too?

Cairpre: You’re familiar with Darna, Lene?

Lene: Yep! I grew up in the abbey there. They told me my mom was a dancer, who left me there when I was about two years old. That’s why I’m a dancer now. I was thinking that maybe, if I did the same thing as her, one day I might find her again.  It’s kind of embarrassing, but I taught myself everything I know about dancing.

Cairpre: That’s really great of you, Lene! I, er, guess I thought wrong about you…

Lene: Not a big fan of dancers, Cairpre?

Cairpre: Not really…. At least, not unti I met you, Lene.

Lene: Awww! Thanks, Cairpre!

Cairpre gains +1 Luck from this, because…. Look, you need to stop asking questions. I also choose not to zap Arthur home after all; he doesn’t need his promotion, and I want him to shut up and marry Julia already, so I’m gluing them together for now. Maybe they’ll hook up, maybe they won’t, but either way I’ll demand they sex who they are told to sex. Instead, Lana just heals someone and levels…

And Lester takes his promotion.

Not a super impressive promotion, but… a promotion. The turn ends there, and the enemy phase is a desperately sad event, with ballistae firing and missing again and again. It saddens me. I’m sad.

Look at that! Even Oifey doesn’t respect them.  

In any event, Patty finishes bullying the clergy and Cairpre zaps her…

And we dismantle some siege equipment.

And that’s that! The current section of map is over, so I take a few turns to move folks around; Cairpre starts trekking north to get his fortune, while the rest of the army splits up, most of them heading south to hook up with Seliph and co., but Patty, Ulster, Lana, Shanan, Tinni, Faval, and Altena are staying in the north to reinforce our assorted castles.  Thracians are tricky and they can fly, so you can’t leave your castles unattended for a second on this stupid map. The first time I played I actually managed to lose all of them but Meath just through sheer force of stupid.

And it is on this exciting note that I leave you for the week, gentle readers. Seliph, will you play us out?

(You may remember the previous update wherein Arion just suddenly turned into a rampaging douche. That state of events has stuck.)

Lewyn: I suppose that stubborn dracoknight pride compels him to fight to the bitter end.  I was hoping the legendary Arion of Thracia would be a wiser man than this… Seliph, I hope you understand we can’t turn back now. This last battle needs to be fought.

(Well, yeah, dude, his family has been trying to kill us for two weeks while we politely ask them to go away.)

Seliph: I don’t understand him. Why would Arion insist on fighting such a futile battle… how can he be so callous? Does he not understand the grief he’s inflicting on Altena?

… And hey, for once, Lewyn doesn’t spout some pseudo-philosophy at us! This really is a bright note to leave an update on. See y’all next week!

Total Resets: 27. I knew that boss was a bastard and I still let myself get caught off guard. For shame, me.

Part 24