#anyway that's a draft 2 problem but i do like to torture myself so here we are

[sabraeal]

NaNoCryMo Day 7

Excerpt:

“Didn’t take long for you to fall back into bad habits, eh, Beoudhi?” Galina sent a sly look over her shoulder as she mounted a wide set of stairs, not at the marshal himself, but Caiyur. “Once a soldier, always a soldier I suppose.”

“There is something mighty fine about standing shoulder to shoulder with a man who knows how to hold the line,” Benoudhi admitted, amused. “Especially when most men you know scramble at the first sign of a scuffle.”

“Ha.” The laugh sawed out of her chest, dry as dust. “They really don’t make men like they used to.” Benoudhi’s mouth canted in a grin. “They sure don’t.”

[ye-bloodeh-liar]

I just finished AC Valhalla – A résumé.

I finished the "main story" of Assassin's Creed Valhalla. These are some thoughts of mine. (This was saved in my drafts for two weeks or so. But my stance hasn't altered. Actually, I'm even angrier now.)

Disclaimer: This obviously contains some spoilers here and there. You've been warned, but tbh, who even cares about the story at this point. Also, I know I don't have many followers, and I suspect none of the few that will come across this post will actually be interested in it. That said, if you like reading people's rants about things, regardless of your interest in video games, this might be something for you. I just needed to get this out of my system somewhere. This is a rant (well, vent? I'm venting, I guess) written as it came to my mind. There's no real structure, I think. Sorry for that in advance.

After Origins, which I thoroughly enjoyed and actually played again between Odyssey and Valhalla, and Odyssey, which's name was perfectly fitting since it felt like a fucking odyssey to grind through, I hoped, actually, I was convinced, Valhalla would right Odyssey's wrongs. You see, Odyssey had one big problem for me: It did none of the things that made and still make me love Origins. In short: The world was massive, but felt copied and pasted, uninteresting to explore and lifeless. Basically, it was a lot of green sprinkled with some olive branches. A lot of the times the only way to know roughly where I am was pulling up the map because based on my surroundings, I could've been anywhere. Compared to the intriguing world of Origins, where you always knew in which area of the map you currently were, this was a shitshow. I mean, just walking through the desert in Origins had more atmosphere than the whole city of Athens (the main fucking city) could ever muster up. (Oh, remember the times of AC Brotherhood, where Rome actually felt like a city even though it wasn't actually humongous like the new games are? Or how atmospheric the whole of AC II was? I mean, Venice? Hello? M a s t e r p i e c e) But I can overlook that. The combat didn't feel heavy, or to put it better, "impactful" like it did in Origins, but more like poking the enemies to their deaths with something that made sword-y sounds. But I can overlook that. The loot system improved a bit, in the sense of giving the option to modify your loot and being able to combine different armor pieces, however, Origins outfit-system was more up my alley. But I can overlook that. Funnily enough, compared to its predecessor, Odyssey looked worse. In Origins the fabric of your outfit look like actual fabric and, I can't stress this enough, waved in the wind. In Odyssey everything felt more static and somehow "fake". But I can overlook that. To me, Origins' story was masterfully done. Personally, I'd say, that this is the closest we've ever gotten to the Ezio-Trilogy. The voice acting was top notch. Bayek was a great character, and the side characters like Aya/Amunet were equally intriguing. I still remember the first time I saw the first confession cutscene after killing Medunamun. It gave me shivers and goosebumps and got me excited for what was about to come. What I want to say with this, is that Origins made me care; care about its characters, care about their backstory and motives, care about the world, etc. After I had finished the DLC The Hidden Ones I felt like I had actually witnessed the igniting spark of something epic, namely the Assassin Brotherhood, in such a chilling way, even though they basically were just chillin' in a cave. Because that's what character building gives you: payoffs. Well, Odyssey did none of that. All it did made me care about was to get all the loot, because that's what my mind always goes for in any game (I'm that kind of stupid ape). I didn't care about what would happen in the end – I just wanted to get there. I wanted to know how the story would end, but in whichever way it would, I knew I wouldn't care for it in the sense of being disappointed or yearning for a different outcome for the character I was so invested in, because, as I said, nothing got me invested in the character(s) in the first place. That's what bugged me the most about Odyssey. Not the flimsy feeling combat, not the husk of a world I found myself in, not the downgrade in design and animation, etc., but the lack of care it invoked.

Now, when Valhalla was originally announced, I was excited as I could be for a video game. Ubisoft was clearly aware of their mistakes with Odyssey and tried to show that they're willing to listen to their fanbase. A world where every area has its own identity? Sounds great. Heavy combat? Hell yeah. Gear and loot that actually matters and is special (unlike in Odyssey where after a few hours of playing you find yourself carrying the same fucking bow 25 times)? Oh my. Choices not for the sake of choices, but story? Yes please. I mean, if you have to implement choices. Even though choices don't really make sense in Assassin's Creed, but that's another topic.

Well, did it deliver (for me)? No. And to be completely honest, I prefer Odyssey, even as the grindfest that it is, over Valhalla, and me replaying Odyssey seems a lot more likely to me, than going through all of Valhalla again. I'm not going to list all of the points mentioned above again in full detail: The world is a bit more intriguing than Greece, but a shadow of what Egypt was. The combat feels heavy, yet every weapon looks too big (????) and it still feels a bit off. My biggest grudge of the minor points is actually the look/the graphics: How on earth does Valhalla manage to look less real than Origins? The fur and pelts on the armor, every piece of cloth, i mean just e v e r y t h i n g looks somewhat plasticy (at loss for a better word here; just compare Origins' outfits in motion to Valhalla's) Anyway, let's get to the real problem here, because all boils down to the point I've mentioned before: Invoking care.

This became very apparent to me after forging the fourth (?; was it the fourth? They all blur together. That's how e n t i c i n g they are. Great.) alliance or so. I didn't give a single fuck about the characters in those arcs. It was very clear that they'd be soon replaced by other characters in the next alliance's arc, which I probably wouldn't care for either, especially, since they all felt somewhat the same: empty. Alliances felt like checklists to do. Even Wincestre, which had an interesting beginning, somehow managed to loose all of its "darkness" after the first two quests. But I could overlook the dreary sidequest-like alliance arcs, if they served the main storyline in some way or form. Now you might ask, what main storyline? E x a c t l y. Looking back, there is none. At least not really. And there where a lot of times playing the game where I found myself wondering, if this alliance-arc-thing I was currently dragging myself through was in fact meant to be the actual story. But it shouldn't be. Was it? I have no fucking clue. My conclusion on what Valhalla's main overarching story is, is what follows:

Eivor's parents got killed when he was a child (never seen before lol), got adopted, and is now part of the Raven clan with his "brother" Sigurd//Sigurd comes home from some raid with the Assassins Basim and Hytham//(Eivor gets the Hidden Blade; I mean, this is an Assassin's Creed game. Big moment. Done in 2 seconds.)//Sigurd and Eivor aren't happy with the new King of Norway.//Sigurd and Eivor fuck off to England (with Basim and Hytham) to set camp there.//Eivor starts to forge alliances throughout England to make his clan's hold on England stronger.// Sigurd and Basim do their own thing.//Eivor meets Sigurd and Basim two or three times throughout his alliance forging.//Basim seems a bit off.//Sigurd says that he was told (by Basim?) that he is a descendant of the gods.// Sigurd wants to "pursue his destiny"// (sidenote: the last few things are all within one (!) short cutscene in a small house. d e v e l o p m e n t.)//Sigurd gets captured and tortured and loses his hand.//Eivor rescues Sigurd.// Sigurd is back in the settlement.//Sigurd distrusts Eivor because Eivor doesn't believe Sigurd and Sigurd thinks Eivor wants to take his title as the jarl (jarls are the bosses of settlements).// And then the end sequence hits. This is where I want to go into somewhat detail again. We go from Sigurd distrusts Eivor to "Eivor, I don't wanna be the boss of the town, so I don't hold a grudge anymore, let's go back to Norway and I'll show you I was right all along" like it's nothing. It's literally just that: You walk up to Sigurd, he says this (more or less) and you sail away. Again: development is taken very seriously in this game. Honestly, at this point I didn't even know that this was going to trigger the ending. My genuine thoughts were "Oh my, finally, after all this grinding, the story is going to start." when in reality of course, ironically, it was going to end. Absolute belter. So you sail to Norway with Sigurd, which takes fucking forever, because OF COURSE you have to sail (for everyone who didn't play the game, yes, sail, that means looking at a viking longship while occasionally moving the stick slightly to change its directions slightly) to your original settlement in Norway, for what feels like far too long, only to say Hi to your dad. Fucking lost it. I thought we were going to assassinate the King? Nah bruv let's just have some quick family talk instead. Some action? Nah. Just get back to the longship. A N D S T A R T S A I L I N G A G A I N. Where? Just around the curve of our settlement in Norway. Yes, they pulled the old trick of the ending is literally just right around the corner of your starting position hehe. Absolute belter. Is this to make it seem like something is about to happen? The calm before the storm? It doesn't work like that. Well, then you actually sail through a storm (lol), which doesn't matter, because Sigurd just says "Let's keep going" and, well, you keep going. Also, to this point the weather conditions have never affected neither Eivors health, nor the ship in any way whatsoever, so why should I be impacted by a storm now? Like, it's a nice thing for atmosphere, but at least make the ship harder to steer or something. Then you walk up a mountain. Funnily enough Sigurd walks in manner that shows that the walk against the storm isn't easy, whereas you, hah, you can just yeet yourself up that mountain like nothing. I could sprint up there. Fucking sprint. Anyway, Eivor and Sigurd enter the Isu temple, because of course, we had to throw an Isu temple in there, I mean, i t ' s A s s a s s i n ' s C r e e d. Was it hinted at before in the story? Not really. Were we chasing or searchig for it? Nah, better get that next alliance going. It just suddenly was. Again: development. So we walk to the main platform of the temple and activate the machine and bam we're in Valhalla (because at some point Ubisoft realised that maybe they should include what is literally in the name of the game). Again, were we looking for Valhalla? Like not in the sense that every viking was, but more in the sense

of was it the main objective of the game? Did Eivor look for a way to Valhalla? Was there anything that led us here other than Sigurd having had a few dreams (that only got mentioned, like, twice?) and being influenced into thinking he was a demigod or something? Nope, Eivor was looking for that next alliance to forge. So, Eivor realises that his experience of Valhalla is fake and he wants to get out. But fake-Odin doesn't want to let him go. In a really weird cutscene (jump to 6:30), Eivor eventually escapes Odin and enters a door with his settlement-family (look, I'm all here for metaphors, but this, this is just utter rubbish. It just doesn't make sense, and there is no payoff whatsoever). Odin actually had a build-up of some sort. In every assassination sequence he's there and talks with Eivor. I actually thought there would be some cool payoff/ending/reveal here. But nah, this ain't it chief. Yet somehow, until here, I had hope. I thought maybe now, building on all this confusion, there's gonna be a relatively good ending. Something enticing. Something that made everything somewhat worthwile. And Ubisoft went: Lol nah. So, you're out of the Isu machine again (for all the non-AC-peoples here: basically like the matrix. Eivor gets hooked up to the machine and experiences alternate reality: Valhalla), and Basim is there. What a twist. The guy that showed up like three times and went from friendly in the first time to super suspicious (like glaring-in-your-face-suspicious) in the two-or-so other major cutscenes he was in, has now been revealed as the enemy. Congrats to that. What a twist. The thing is, and this bothers me a lot actually, it could have been anyone there. It didn't need to be Basim. It wouldn't have felt out of place if it wasn't him. Why? Because Ubisoft failed terribly at making you connect to any character and at building any actual story (or character). It could have been Gunnar, the friendly black-smith in our settlement, and it would have been as fitting as Basim. Then Basim says that this is "for his son". Ah yes, the lost son of Basim, which was mentioned once. Right. Eivor defeats Basim by hooking him up on the Isu machine and gets back to the settlement with Sigurd (in my ending at least. There seems to be a possible ending in which Sigurd doesn't come back.) Cut to the modern day, where Layla now knows the coordinates of the Isu temple, goes there, hooks herself up to the machine, becomes the overseer of time with the other overseer of time which already was hanging out there (I mean yeah, great idea, terrible execution. Build it up, then you can have a payoff. This was just straight outta nowhere, and who cared about Layla anyway.) Anyway, meanwhile Basim, who was still hanging on that machine a fuck ton of years later, pops off, and is now living in the modern day. The idea here is, that we lost the hero (Layla) which caused the (just established) vilain (Basim) to do his fuckery in the modern day. But why should I care? Basim was basically nonexistent in the basically nonexistent story and suddendly I should feel sad or shocked, because he's in the modern day? Is this supposed to be intriguing? And yeah, Layla is "gone". Layla, who had no character building over three fucking games. Why should i be bothered? Why should I care about anything that just happened? Remember when a side character (Lucy) died in AC Brotherhood? That was intriguing. Why? Because they built her as a character we (Desmond) trusted, even though it was in the modern day (which no one really cares about in AC). And this is why Valhalla broke me and Odyssey didn't. Valhalla failed to make me care on a much deeper level. It's just a lot of nothingness. Empty characters in a nonexistent story. And by nonexistent, I mean non-built at all. When I play the game now, I have no actual reason, and throughout the game never actually had any actual reason, to continue. It was a chore. I didn't bother if after three hours of grind I would eventually get a mini-snippet of a husk of a story, and neither do I care now. Everything in

this game is so devoid of sparking curiosity and screams of lacklusterness to the point where I don't even know what I have actually expierenced. For fuck's sake Ubisoft, make me care again. At least once in 40 hours.

May I sum up Valhalla's "story" and content in the glorious words of Catherine Tate: Am I bovvered? The answer, sadly, is a holistic no.

[hanabiira]

THE MEGA RP PLOTTING SHEET / MEME.

First and foremost, recall that no one is perfect, we all had witnessed some plotting once which did not went too well, be it because of us or our partner. So here have this, which may help for future plotting. It’s a lot! Yes, but perhaps give your partners some insight? Anyway BOLD what fully applies, italicize if only somewhat.

MUN NAME: Bunny   AGE: 26      CONTACT: IM & Discord

CHARACTER(S): OCs, and technically Kensei but I have neglected him as of late. 

CURRENT FANDOM(S): Bleach 

BLEACH FANDOM(S) YOU HAVE AN AU FOR:  None that I’ve actually written yet but I have an Avatar LOK AU for Miki.

MY LANGUAGE(S): English, no other languages I can fluently write in. I can read hiragana and katakana and very basic elementary kanji. 

THEMES I’M INTERESTED IN FOR RP: Fantasy / Science fiction / Horror / Western / Romance / Thriller / Mystery / Dystopia / Adventure / Modern / Erotic / Crime / Mythology / Classic / History / Renaissance / Medieval / Ancient / War / Family / Politics / Religion / School / Adulthood / Childhood / Apocalyptic / Gods / Sports / Music / Science / Fight / Angst / Smut / Drama / etc.

PREFERRED THREAD LENGTH: one-liner / 1 para / 2 PARA / 3+ / NOVELLA.

ASKS CAN BE SEND BY: MUTUALS / NON-MUTUALS (for OOC questions only) / PERSONALS (for OOC questions only) / ANONS. (for OOC/IC questions)

CAN ASKS BE CONTINUED?:   YES (please do!) / NO    only by Mutuals?:  YES / NO.

PREFERRED THREAD TYPE: crack / casual nothing too deep / SERIOUS / DEEP AS HECK.

IS REALISM / RESEARCH IMPORTANT FOR YOU IN CERTAIN THEMES?:   YES / NO.

ARE YOU ATM OPEN FOR NEW PLOTS?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS.

DO YOU HANDLE YOUR DRAFT / ASK - COUNT WELL?:  YES / NO / SOMEWHAT

HOW LONG DO YOU USUALLY TAKE TO REPLY?: 24H / 1 WEEK / 2 WEEKS / 3+ / months / years. / DEPENDS ON MOOD AND INSPIRATION, AND IF I’M BUSY I

I’M OKAY WITH INTERACTING: ORIGINAL CHARACTERS / a relative of my character (an oc) / duplicates / MY FANDOM / CROSSOVERS (if I know the fandom) / MULTI-MUSES / self-inserts / people with no AU verse for my fandom / CANON-DIVERGENT PORTRAYALS / AU-VERSIONS.

DO YOU POST MORE IC OR OOC?: IC / OOC.

ARE YOU SELECTIVE WITH FOLLOWING OTHERS?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.  

BEST WAYS TO APPROACH YOU FOR RP/PLOTTING:  Tumblr IM or if you know me, discord. Once you have my discord there’s no reason to IM me really. I’m more likely to notice a message from discord than tumblr since I have discord on my phone and laptop. 

WHAT EXPECTATIONS DO YOU HOLD TOWARDS YOUR PLOTTING PARTNER: I mean, if we’re actively plotting something I at least expect some back and forth?? But if it’s just general spewing of shit about stuff our characters might do I don’t necessarily expect it to become a thread or anything. Sometimes I just like to scream and think about stuff with other people lmao.I don’t even really expect plotting all the time, unless you have a really good idea then I’m all for it!! totally!! I love a good plotted thread but I am also cool just going with the punches. 

WHEN YOU NOTICE THE PLOTTING IS RATHER ONE-SIDED, WHAT DO YOU DO?: If the person doesn’t seem into it I’ll probably just drop it? I’m not going to pressure anyone into any sort of rp they’re not vibing with, it’s fine. 

HOW DO YOU USUALLY PLOT WITH OTHERS, DO YOU GIVE INPUT OR LEAVE MOST WORK TOWARDS YOUR PARTNER?:  I love that this meme assumes I plot a lot lmfao. Uhh...I find it quite difficult to come up with a lot of different active scenarios or stories but I do frequently like to discuss what ifs between my characters and whoever I’m talking to and that often can evolve into an idea for a thread which I am all for taking places. I wouldn’t necessarily call it plotting because it doesn’t always have to turn into something, but its just fun little banter about our characters and their reactions. If I am trying to buckle down and plot I will do my best to contribute to whatever we’re trying to plan? 

WHEN A PARTNER DROPS THE THREAD, DO YOU WISH TO KNOW?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS. - And why?: I won’t be mad, just be like ‘hey can we drop this?’ and I’ll be like “cool”. I get that sometimes you just can’t find the words to reply to something and that’s ok. But just let me know so I’m not sitting there waiting for a reply I’m never going to get. 

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY LEAD YOU TO DROP A THREAD?:  Either an natural ending of the thread or I just....can’t think of any juice to keep it going and get stuck behind a wall. I am MORE than happy to start something fresh and new when threads are ended or dropped! 

- WILL YOU TELL YOUR PARTNER?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS.

IS COMMUNICATION IN THE RPC IMPORTANT TO YOU? YES / NO.

- AND WHY?: I think a lot of misunderstanding stems from a lack of communication. Do I talk OOC with ALL the people I rp with? No, but If I have concerns or questions about a thread or something we’re doing I am 100% going to talk to them about it to make sure nothing gets misconstrued. I get people get anxious but like...if you have the balls to write a character on the internet with a stranger you can send them an IM if you have a questions/concerns. None of us are mind readers, so don’t leave your partner in the dark about your thoughts and feelings. Obviously if they are writing with you they don’t hate you. 90% of us don’t bite and are just lame nerds behind a computer screen, so.... 

ARE YOU OKAY WITH ABSOLUTE HONESTY, EVEN IF IT MAY MEANS HEARING SOMETHING NEGATIVE ABOUT YOU AND/OR PORTRAYAL?: I mean, I’m not going to LOVE hearing something negative but if its a valid point or concern I’m absolutely going to listen to it and try to rectify it? Problem is a lot of people thinly spew hate or baseless negativity and then thinly veil it as “criticism” that stems their personal feelings about a character than it really is anything constructive, which is a no go for me.  Will I 100% always agree with how everyone else plays their characters? No, but if its not hurting anyone and they’re having fun I’m not going to say anything to them. I 100% welcome constructive criticism or tough questions! It’s one way to improve. 

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE SUCH SITUATION IN A MATURE WAY? YES / NO.

WHY DO YOU RP AGAIN, IS THERE A GOAL?: My goal is really just to have fun and enjoy myself. The longer I am here the less I am worried about doing big deep threads or having amazing fancy graphics for that RPC clout. I’m here to have fun with my friends and play my OC that I love. Again, I don’t profess myself to be much of a writer so I’m not technically here to really further and deepen my writing skills. That sounds bad, I don’t mean to say I am adverse to improvement and I am always looking for ways or feedback that could make my storytelling better, but it is not my main goal or reason for why I rp, if that makes sense. Telling a narrative has always been something that’s been difficult for me (I HATED having to write stories in school and avoided creative writing like the plague) but I really welcome ways that could help me be better, because it hasn’t always been something natural to me. 

WISHLIST, BE IT PLOTS OR SCENARIOS:  I YEARN for a good thread with a Shunsui about Miki taking over the 8th division and how she changes it since his time there. She really worries about still holding onto his legacy while also making a name for herself and differentiating herself from him and how he ran things and would really want his feedback and approval. I would also really love if there were some characters that really took an interest in the kinds of stuff she does with the things she grows in her garden and greenhouse. It is more than just “ooh, look at the pretty flowers” and it is not really something I’ve gotten to explore despite my time here. 

THEMES I WON’T EVER RP / EXPLORE: Anything gross. Rape/noncon/underage/furry or weird extreme fetish shit. I 100% do not vibe with racism, transphobia, homophobia, etc. I do not mind some darker themes but I don’t really have any interest on writing any threads where Miki is deeply deeply hurt or tortured or anything like that, which kind of falls under the gore category. Will I write her injured and do I welcome some kinds of sparring/fighting threads? Yes. But I won’t subject her to gross violence and having the shit being beat out of her. Miki is not infallible but I don’t want to write it. 

WHAT TYPE OF STARTERS DO YOU PREFER / DISLIKE, CAN’T WORK WITH?:  Starters that are too open ended, start with a general with a question and/or little scenario building. You know like the “why are you here”, “what are you doing”, “who are you” sorts of starters. They’re boring and I will most likely run out of ways to keep going with them. Set a scene for me and I will have a much easier time! 

WHAT TYPE OF CHARACTERS CATCH YOUR INTEREST THE MOST?:  That’s a good question...Miki tends to like friendly people (obviously) but also gets a kick out of interacting with cold or difficult to talk to characters (think Soi fon, Kensei, Byakuya etc) because she sees it as something of a challenge. She wants to see if she can befriend them. I also like characters that have an interesting theme or shitck . 

WHAT TYPE OF CHARACTERS CATCH YOUR INTEREST THE LEAST?: Characters that are not really in her age group (think the karakura kids). I have the most difficult time thinking about how they might even interact in a way that is not on the most superficial level. Also characters that I can’t realistically see her meeting or running into. 

WHAT ARE YOUR STRONG ASPECTS AS RP PARTNER?: I am pretty easy to reach OOC, and once I’m in I’m in. I love talking about our characters interactions and will spam you with asks and shit if that’s what you want. I will talk all day about our characters if you let me. I will send you stupid memes. Even if I am not posting on tumblr I’m easily reached through discord. And Idk my oc is good??? maybe??? 

WHAT ARE YOUR WEAK ASPECTS AS RP PARTNER?: I would say I’m inconsistent? I know its covid times right now but I do work a full time job that takes a lot of my time and energy usually and I absolutely can’t write when I’m mentally exhausted. It won’t happen. So there may be times where you just won’t see any posting from me and it may take a long time for me to answer a thread or ask. As much as I also don’t like to label myself this way...I guess I technically do suffer from chronic pain (I have a hip malformation), and sitting is one of the things that really can exacerbate my hip and back pain meaning sometimes I just can’t tolerate sitting at my desk for very long or even sitting up in my bed which really prevents me from writing sometimes even when I want to. I wish mobile draft writing was better lol 

DO YOU RP SMUT?:  YES / NO/ DEPENDS.

DO YOU PREFER TO GO INTO DETAIL?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH BLACK CURTAIN?: YES / NO.

- WHEN DO YOU RP SMUT? MORE OUT OF FUN OR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT?: Too much smut is boring, obviously, and I’m not really a fan of smut really just for the sake of smut and threads like that tend to die for me.  And I also don’t rp smut with just anyone, there has to be an established relationship between the characters. But if it flows with the story and it makes sense for the scenario then yeah, I’m down for a good smut thread. 

- ANYTHING YOU WOULD NOT WANT TO RP THERE?: I’m pretty vanilla and I didn’t really give Miki anything that’s really nonstandard. I’m not going to shame anyone for what they’re into or their characters but there’s just kinks I couldn’t convincing write, would be ooc, or I just would be too embarrassed. So far I have not run into anything weird though. 

ARE SHIPS IMPORTANT TO YOU?:   YES / NO 

WOULD YOU SAY YOUR BLOG IS SHIP-FOCUSED?: YES?? / NO. Though I mean ship not in a strictly romantic ship sense. I value all ships as in friendships and other relationships, mentor mentee, etc. and it really helps drive story for both characters I think. Miki CRAVES FRIENDSHIPS!! SHE WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND!! LET HER!! Even negative relationships have value.  

DO YOU USE READ MORE?:  YES / NO / SOMETIMES WHEN I WRITE LONG STUFF (ooc stuff).

ARE YOU:  Multi-ship / Single-Ship / Dual-Ship  —  Multiverse / Singleverse.

- WHAT DO YOU LOVE TO EXPLORE THE MOST IN YOUR SHIPS?: 

ARE YOU OKAY WITH PRE-ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIPS?: YES / NO. - As long as its discussed before hand or is easily implied (say like, an 8th lieutenant). 

► SECTION ABOUT YOUR MUSE.

- WHAT COULD POSSIBLY MAKE YOUR MUSE INTERESTING TOWARDS OTHERS, WHY SHOULD THEY RP WITH THIS PARTICULAR CHARACTER OF YOURS NOW, WHAT POSSIBLE PLOTS DO THEY OFFER?:  Miki is unique, I’d like to think. She is a blend of soft and gentle, but also stubborn, opinionated and desperate to prove that she shouldn’t be messed with. I basically wanted a character that just seemed like a living and breathing springtime breeze. I’m not saying necessarily that some of the tropes she holds are entirely unique to the series, but I think its the blend of all her aspects that make her different compared to other canon characters. Plus if you love that plant and flower aesthetique™ you have come to the right place. Plus she takes it further than just an aesthetic or a surface level “I like flowers” aspect of her personality. It runs so deep and she is so passionate about it in so many different ways. 

- WITH WHAT TYPE OF MUSES DO YOU USUALLY STRUGGLE TO RP WITH?:  Again, ones that I can’t find much of a commonality with so those who are not her age or are strictly human. Though it is not impossible to interact with humans, I prefer to develop her story within the scene of the Seireitei. Also characters that are super volatile and aggressive. 

- WHAT DO THEY DESIRE, IS THEIR GOAL?:  Peace, accomplishment, happiness mostly. Miki wants to be recognized for her hard work as well as desires to form positive relationships with others. She wants the Gotei to feel less disjointed. 

- WHAT CATCHES THEIR INTEREST FIRST WHEN MEETING SOMEONE NEW?:  The way they talk, their facial expressions, their eyes. 

- WHAT DO THEY VALUE IN A PERSON?:  Kindness, determination, drive, sense of humor. 

- WHAT THEMES DO THEY LIKE TALKING ABOUT?:  Plants, flowers, flower arranging, gardening, poisonous plants and their potential affects and uses, tea, shitty jokes, food, general day to day gossip, handsome men (lol), books, kido and other shinigami arts, human world stuff. 

- WHICH THEMES BORE THEM?: Math, long convoluted talks about history, people who talk too much about themselves. 

- DID THEY EVER GO THROUGH SOMETHING TRAUMATIC?:  The thousand year bloodwar. The death of a romantic partner. The death of her mother. 

- WHAT COULD LEAD TO AN INSTANT KILL?:  It’s really hard to imagine a scenario where Miki would immediately go in for the kill zero questions asked with no context. Probably only if it’s someone known to be a threat, has done things that are terrible, and is likely to continue being a threat to others or is actively killing/about to kill someone else. 

- IS THERE SOMEONE /-THING THEY HATE?:  Birds. Hypocrites. Super self important people. 

IS YOUR MUSE EASY TO APPROACH?: YES / NO. - Best ways to approach them?:  Just roll up on her. She’s easily found in her barracks. 

SOMETHING YOU MAY STILL WANT TO POINT OUT ABOUT YOUR MUSE?: uuuuuh she bean.

CONGRATS!!! You managed it, now tag your mutuals! ♥

Tagged by: @bazzardburner technically but for quincy miki which I will also tweak and post there. 

[j-k-notrowling]

Untitled

Hi there! Spoilers up front: this is a gratuitously long-winded “thank you,” not an Ask (also I’m 31 and don’t know how to Social Media so apologies if this is the wrong page/tab/link/widget).

--(oh actually it’s a blog post now because of course I can’t send an “Ask” this stupidly long see? wasn’t kidding about that Social Media thing...)--

I started writing my first book in the Fall of 2016. Before that I’d only written songs. One day I got an idea which didn’t fit within the usual rhymes or rhythms. I tried and tried, but kept on hitting a wall. In addition, I was fed up with the whole “business” of music—the fragile egos, the politics of being in a band, all that. One morning I sat down at my HP desktop computer (again...31) and opened up a blank Word document. I stared at it with murderous intent for a long time, but nothing happened. So I grabbed the nearest book off the shelf (Crash by J.G. Ballard), opened it, and began to type out the first paragraph, copying the sentences line by line. I wanted to see what it felt like — my clumsy fingers pecking at the keyboard, observing how the words fell into place with a musical cadence and tempo almost prophetic, as though the ink were destined to dry in this exact form upon the page, the machinery of its tumultuous birth and impeccable design skillfully concealed. I paused and looked out the window. There was a squirrel on the deck, I remember. And then I saw it. Not outside but inside my own head, behind my eyelids. The song, the one I’d been struggling to write, I saw that it could be a story. I saw it had a clear beginning, middle, and end. I saw a world of characters opening doors to other worlds, other stories, other characters. This was life-changing shit. Suddenly I was a little boy at my first baseball game, drinking my first ice-cold Coke, surrounded by old men chain-smoking Marlboro Reds and muttering dirty words I’d never heard before about the [EXPLETIVES DELETED] on the opposing team. I’d discovered a fire fueled by the psychic anarchy of its own discovery, a Moebius-strip of dramatic invention, a repository for all the pop-cultural turds floating around inside the cracked porcelain toilet bowl of my skull. I wrote prose every night after work. I never thought about what I was doing. I never once stopped to check word counts or page counts. I never thought about sticking to an outline, making sure my story adhered to a specific plot structure, none of that. I wrote like a man in love. Delirious, overheated teenage love. Wear-my-ill-fitting-letterman’s-jacket love (is this also A Thing���️ in Canada?). Stupid stupid stupid love, naive and hormonal and precious and retrospectively mortifying. I’d turn off the world, turn on the music, sit back and watch the words sashay straight into my lap. It took 2-3 months before the ruthless scourge known as Self Doubt farted in my private elevator. Am I doing this right? How many words are in a book, anyway? How many pages? How long is this going to take? Is this an effective way to impress women and/or get laid? Am I writing a novel or a novella? The fuck is “flash fiction”? Are you allowed to write actual books in Microsoft Word? Does it matter that my free trial version of Microsoft Word expires in 30 days? They’re bluffing, right? And so on. I compared my own writing with that of authors I admired; subsequently, I couldn’t get out of bed for a week. I watched 40+ hours of “Kitchen Nightmares” reruns (it’s. the. same. fucking. formula. every. single. episode.) and nursed my shame with bowl after bowl of strawberry ice cream. To think — I’d TOLD people about this fool’s errand, and sooner or later I’d have to show them precisely how awful a writer I was... I turned to the Internet for advice. At first, it seemed like a godsend. There was such a litany of knowledge, so many pro-tips and life hacks and proven formulas for success. This was how I stumbled across your channel. I found other channels which offered more straightforward “DO IT LIKE THIS YOU FUCKING IDIOT” instructions, but I still enjoyed yours the most. I lol-ed at your jokes. I remember a few videos where you spoke highly about All The Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr, which remains among the most achingly beautiful books I’ve ever read. Also you’re Canadian, and you guys just generally Human better than we (Americans) Human. ...and here my troubles began. See, the more I tried to adhere to word count goals, the more I tried to properly organize the scenes on my Scrivener™️ virtual cork board, the less I enjoyed the actual process of writing. So I tried other things, based upon other writers’ suggestions: cut the adverbs, write in the morning, write at night, write during your lunch break, write an outline, stick to the outline, write x amount of pages per day, write x number of hours per day, spend x amount of hours drafting and x amount of hours editing, etc. But nothing I tried made me feel confident in my writing. I started actively hating it, to be honest. I dreaded the cursor and the infinite white void. Then I would watch more writing videos and feel guilty about my lack of ambition, my inability to accomplish simple tasks. It’s only a few thousand words, dude — just get in there and do it. Eventually I would. I’d grumble and feel miserable and stay locked in my little writing dungeon all night, ignoring my friends’ texts and phone calls, and the next day I’d hate everything I wrote, trash it, and start over. Then, when I had no more writing left to hate, I started hating myself. The words in my head turned malignant, putrefied into spongy, black tumors. I’d spend all day at work consumed by thoughts and ideas and goals! goals! goals! for my book, then I’d come home and stare at a blinking cursor and wonder why I was such a worthless failure. I couldn’t write the way these other writers did, no matter what I tried. But I still wanted to write. Needed to, in that yearning, terrible way I suspect you understand. I don’t know why The Internet subconsciously invites us to flay ourselves before total strangers, but it does. So I will. Shit got Dark™️, Shaelin. I gained 50 pounds, started living like a hoarder, stopped hanging out with my friends, stopped leaving the house altogether. I kept the curtains closed so my neighbors wouldn’t see the piles of empty take-out boxes stacked up on the kitchen table. I traded the pleasures and contradictions and beguiling enigmas of women for the 24-hour neon distraction of cheap porno. My cat Maggie, basically the only friend I had during this time, got cancer. I watched her suffer and waste away because I couldn’t bear the thought of putting her to sleep and coming home alone to an empty, filthy house. Eventually she died and I hated myself even more for not being able to save her. I wore the same pair of pants for six months. I’d go to work and sit at my desk all day and do absolutely nothing (I was the accounting manager at a small company, technically my own “boss,” so I got away with this for a shocking, frankly heroic amount of time). Then I simply stopped going to work. And I kept torturing myself with those stupid goals and word counts, never happy with the end result, resigned to feel like a failure every day. I remember watching your “Spill the Tea” video back when it was initially posted. Watching it now is eerie, because you describe exactly what I was going through, what I was feeling. Like, to the “T” (see what I did there? #WordPlay #LitPuns101). I’d never experienced anxiety/depression before, so I didn’t really understand what was happening to me. Not that it mattered, because by that point the damage was done. I couldn’t recognize and isolate the real problem. I’d given up. Even though you said a lot of things in that video I desperately, desperately needed to hear, I didn’t listen. I didn’t want to listen to you, because you were one of Them™️. Your eyes were bright and your voice sounded friendly and encouraging, but your name wasn’t McCarthy or Pynchon or DeLillo or Nabokov. You were just a kid. What could you possibly know that I didn’t? In January of this year I called a local psychiatric hospital and told them I was planning to kill myself. I never harbored any true intentions of doing that, but I figured they’d offer me a nice three-week vacation in a padded cell. Considering the circumstances, it honestly seemed like a relief. I ended up quitting my job, selling my house, and moving back in with my parents 300 miles away. I started seeing a therapist once a week (still do, for the record). So far I’ve lost 30 pounds of the 50 pound surplus I acquired. I kept watching your videos, even though I was no longer in the market for writing advice (#JustHereForTheSnark). You kept me lol-ing through some bad days and weeks and months. I’d listen to you talk about problems with the writing community and nod my head like an old woman in church (#ShaelinSermons™️ #SheTeachesANDShePreaches), but I still hadn’t made the connection with my own issues. I swore off writing completely, went back to playing music. Cover songs in coffee shops and family restaurants. It was fun for awhile. I genuinely felt happier. But my story was still an old pebble poking around in my shoe...calling out, issuing playground taunts, drawing hairy cartoon dicks on my forehead while I slept. About a month ago I stared down another blank page, my first since experiencing that fun-sized nervous breakdown earlier this year. I closed my eyes and heard your voice in my head. “You can do whatever you want.” I had no goals, no arbitrary quotas to meet. I wrote a few lines, stopped, fixed a couple things I wasn’t satisfied with, and then went on with my day. I thought about what I’d written, sure, but I didn’t worry or spend the whole day stressing out. The next morning I read over what I’d done, and I didn’t hate it. I thought it was actually pretty good, funny and off-kilter and a little/lotta fucked up. So I sat down and wrote some more. Took some things out, re-worded stuff, dressed up the bones in silver and pearls. Addition and subtraction. Before I knew it, I’d finished a whole page. Then another. And then the hair on the back of my neck stood up, because I remembered: This is how it felt at the beginning. Back when I was young and love-struck and writing only to catch those moments of pure levitation, that devilish tickle, that rush of blood propelled by my own wild heart. It’s been a rough road, but I finally found what I’d lost. I figured out how to write again and enjoy it. And ultimately, the best writing advice I received didn’t come from McCarthy or Pynchon or DeLillo or Nabokov. It came from a young woman in another country with a camera and a nose ring and a big tapestry and bigger dreams which run parallel to my own. So thank you. Thank you for taking time out of your busy life and braving the Steaming Pile™️ that is The Internet to offer words of empathy and encouragement to complete strangers. Thank you for the wisdom you share. Thank you for being who you are. Know that tonight the stars shine brighter as a result. They do for me, at least. (Also I’m sincerely sorry about the absurd length of this “Ask” wherein no actual questions were posed and nothing substantial was communicated beyond a simple yet torturously delayed “thank you” kthxbye #longlivethenewtapestry 

—Justin)

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S1 Ep 46: Creating All of Your Own Problems

This season is almost over, but I guess the showmakers had one last thing to bring in last second--one last character--one last toy product that hits the shelves. But, the big problem I can see they had to work around was how do you introduce a character who has nothing to do with this season? Just plop him on at the end in his own self-contained arc, I guess.

So we begin by running into Yugi at home/store he lives in, where Grandpa’s sweeping the stoop although shouldn’t he be inside running the shop? Maybe he’s just keeping an eye on Yugi, making sure he doesn’t run off to an island again. Maybe Tea and Grandpa have an arrangement that Yugi doesn’t get to go anywhere by himself unsupervised because he keeps getting horribly distracted and risking his entire life every time he does. Maybe that’s why she meets him here at his house to walk to school instead of at school?

Grandpa didn’t even bring up getting his ass kicked by Kaiba because apparently Grandpa has had a new life threatening event every couple of months for just his entire life.

I feel like Grandpa runs the itty bitty bodega of game shops.

(read more under the cut)

Isn’t the entire point of a game shop to sell fads, what is he talking about? Like, even if you’re a game shop that sells handmade toys that have no lights or automated parts that’s...still a hippie fad thing. That’s still a fad. Maybe it’s just my capitalist mindset, but maybe Grandpa should stock some Nintendo?

But honestly, their family had nothing to worry about because look at this terrifying storefront.

No child with eyes would enter here.

Kinda surprised her threatening him with homework was actually in the show, because her telling him that he’d have to do her homework for a week sounds like more of a punishment for her than the other way around. Like, may as well have a cat with a pen tied to their tail do your homework.

So this pirate here owns the shop and goes by the name Duke Devlin. He’s got a lot of stuff on his face. Kinda looks like he wants to go full Nomura but hasn’t discovered belts yet.

I’m not sure how his headband works, as some of the hair is under the headband and going into his face (thus ruining the point of a headband) and the rest is going over the headband and into his face (thus ruining the point of a ponytail). There’s a lot going on here, and I...I just don’t know exactly how this hair anatomy works.

This weird line on his face disappears and reappears constantly throughout the show. Man this show and it’s love of eyeliner. The eyeliner that few women wear outside of like...Mai. I’ve never seen such devotion to guyliner in my life.

Anyways, then they had the biggest twist so far in all of Yugioh.

Her eyes will cost as much as an entire house by the time she gets this surgery. Anyways, across the hall and in the other room, Duke is showing off his weird dice tricks to a bunch of girls who have extremely low standards. Because when I was in school, the boys fidgeting with dice and cubes and lighters or whatever were actually pretty damn annoying.

Also dice were illegal at my school but my school had a huge gambling problem since like Elementary school, starting at when Pogs were outlawed. Pogs. I was in like 2nd grade, with my fistful of holographic Garfield Pogs and my teachers were like “absolutely not, those Pogs will send you straight to drugs” and I was very, very confused.

Duke, overhearing Joey talk big about his incredible dueling skills, sees an opportunity to get Yugi to fight him. I guess he assumed that Yugi wouldn’t duel him for any other reason, although I’m pretty sure he could have been all “want to duel sometime?” and Yugi would have answered “ABSOLUTELY, LETS GO TO THE ROOF AT MIDNIGHT, SHIRTLESS, DURING A THUNDERSTORM.”

(the liner got shy here, but came back later)

And like he goes off about this dice but does he actually duel with dice this episode? If he did, I did not catch it as I was scrubbing through the duels. I’m pretty sure he didn’t. Not totally positive.

But bro mentioned that Duke was the mascot for a game that exists IRL that they were trying to sell--and I looked it up, it’s called Dungeon Dice Monsters and it looks so freakin complicated and unfun. Apparently it did not sell well, although they planned all these characters and expansions for it. Also, weirdly it came out in 1996 which means this guy is from Season Zero so...I guess I’ll be watching that later.

Nowadays these pieces of this failed game with 10000 pieces sells for a pretty penny on Ebay, but youknow that’s assuming anyone on Ebay is buying?

But, if you have table top simulator on Steam, some saint has added this game as a mod so you can like...play it for the price of table top simulator instead of spending like 800 dollars. That’s nice. I’m not going to play it myself, but that’s nice.

It was also converted into a complicated GBA game, which is probably more of the reason that he’s in this version of the show--since GBA was around the same time as Yugioh, although I could be wrong.

But, back to the show, Duke decides to do some magic because he has no idea who he goes to school with. This was extremely dangerous and stupid and he didn’t even know.

And Yugi just complete loses his mind for like a few seconds. Which makes you think great, everyone in this room is going to die, because this is Yugioh, and that is a thing that can surely happen. But then...

I feel like this is the point where most people would have been like “eff this” and just turned around, since both Yugi and Joey were in an actual tourney and shouldn’t waste their time but Joey really hates this guy for no reason other than being popular. Joey just has so much rage for people he’s never met before--like really, he’s absolutely terrible at making friends which blows my mind since his best friend is the friendliest person who exists in this show.

So I’m throwing the word draft out there because that’s something card people are familiar with but for those that don’t know, drafts are pretty normal. It’s a randomized deck, so there is the possibility you can get super screwed over in a draft. You can get a whole bunch of like whatever the Yugioh version of that Goldfish from Pokemon is and well, that’s just your deck now. You don’t put a lot of high risk stakes on drafts. They’re just for kicks.

But Joey thinks he’s immortal because he survived that island, so like sure, why not? Lets get rid of the only deck advantage we have and trust this guy, who has done nothing but trick people since we walked into the room.

Damn, Joey! That escalated quickly!

Then, a reallllly weird thing happens that made me super uncomfortable--Yugi changed his clothes. I don’t like this palate swap.

This whole time. That whole time on the island--he had normal clothes.

ooof I owned this outfit in middle school. Exactly this outfit. I had a phase--I call it “gray goth” where I got helllllla emo and only wore gray and jeans for 2 years. The 00′s were a time. We were all very chilly and needed at least two insufficient layers on at all times.

So they draft, but they do it wrong. I mean I guess there’s no “wrong” way but the way I’ve seen it, you selectively make your deck from the cards on the table you don’t just shove every card in there without a strategy. This whole duel is just kinda weird. Not like I really talk about cards at all on here but like...this seems like just the worst way to play draft.

So, because there’s absolutely no way you can possibly have a good time playing this version of the game, Joey struggles.

And then we get a celebrity cameo.

I will never catch another one. I was a one console family and we chose Nintendo. But, I do know my Gradius because this game was on every console ever made and basically resold over and over again up until Konami became a pachinko company.

And so we have a return to dog outfit. Because Joey can’t get away from this weird type of torture. Did Duke Devlin get a tip from Kaiba about Things Joey Wheeler Hates or did two completely different bullies come up with this dog obsession all on their own?

Why is Joey being destroyed by dice? Joey beat up like 12 people in a warehouse once. Anyway, Duke decides to throw dice at Joey and humiliate him into goading Pharaoh into a duel. Again, why would it take this much to goad on Yugi? He freakin loves dueling.

And so, in order to save Joey’s dignity, Pharaoh shows up and is pissed. Back on the island there was like life and death reasons to be pissed--just a while ago, Pharaoh saw Joey and Mai die in front of him and got rightfully upset, but apparently Joey dressing like a dog is like equal in terms of getting this guy super indignant.

Like I’m not sure if Pharaoh realizes that this dog servitude is only as long as it takes for Duke to get bored, which will be about five minutes. Or maybe Pharaoh slept through the fact that Joey brought this on himself entirely by himself and ignored every single time his friends were like “Joey please walk away it’s not worth it.” But like consequences shmonsequences.

This could solve so many of Yugi’s problems if he’d just lose this game. I just feel like carrying around this title doesn’t really do much for your income and yet everyone keeps trying to duel you all the time when honestly, should have probably been just attending class.

Tristan and Tea seem to realize that uh, Pharaoh freaking the hell out is the last thing they need on national TV but I mean, Joey’s a dog so he’s gotta do it. Pharaoh can’t really step down from a fight, no matter how stupid it is, and maybe that’s where Joey got it from.

Or Pharaoh could have just covered Joey this week and caught all of those dice. After a while even Duke Devlin would run out of dice. And it’s not like it said anywhere everyone else can’t beat Duke up because Duke has lost his mind. I just really feel like they should have a way out of this that isn’t boys being proud boys and gambling your dignity left and right but whatever. We gotta sell toys.

Anyway, next week, on Yugioh

Will I even have content to cover? Will Joey have to wear two dog suits --a dog within a dog-- as punishment? Will they just give up and kick this guy’s ass on national TV?

[mymadmedleyw]

(mostly note to self)

plans for the near future - 2022:

- finish 'Change In The Core Of Heart' /2 - if nothing comes in, maybe tonight - all parts are given for that, but I added some things that changed the pace and things like that, so now I have to play puzzle with the previously written parts with the lately added ones to turn it to a whole

- (also I have in mind a short continuation for that - just in mind, no written down notes so far for that, not a single line, but it will be its closure, as 'On The Line' with its opening scene, CITCOH in the middle, and this one as the end - planned title: 'Speed Dial')

- (even before 'Side Hoes Week' I planned a short with Damon (technically playing between 'Huntress' and 'LoD'*), I'm not sure anymore when I'll finish it, but I have a guess, I won't connect it to the event - or I will, if it won't be weird to post it much later...)

*LoD will be my next 'big' after I finish with WTPH, little sneak peek scene/concept for it: 'Sailor'

- started the (short) continuation for 'Two Side Of A Dream Coming True' - I really want to finish that (hopefully and at latest next week), I am almost done with the first draft phase but yet I find it lame, but it might be just because it is unfamiliar for me to handle at the same time many characters

- thankfully I am almost done with the draftly scribbled down plot and ideas for my planned InvisoBang story - I'm troubled to start writing that or just perfect the notes and once, when I don't have anything else in mind to write, sit down with it

- praise the one, who noted to read WTPH first, to get a better picture for 'Green and Gold' series, and only start GG after that! - the two could be read independently though, but it gave me a good mood to go back to WTPH. The problem with that, I am avoiding that - very much. As much that once I wanted to sit back for it, instead an idea came to my mind about a story that now is planned for InvisoBang. Okay, bit of explanation here, because once I have to do it anyway...

-- rambling about WTPH starts here --

According to my calculation, there is only three chapters left for that. The next one in the line should contain parts from the last(?) one. So I have to write - or at least figure out - the last one first, then place scenes from that to chapter19. I'm not sure though 3 chapters will be enough. It might be rather 4.

Just as all of my chapters are mostly from different people's POV, I don't want to cut the chapters by switching between characters. I have a big problem to figure out whose sight to use for chapter20. Each choice has its benefits obviously, and tell what happens differently. Right now, I'm voting for Jazz, but then that would mean I definitely have to press everything to chapter21. It wouldn't be a problem, after all, that's an ending chapter - but! Then comes the question, if I should write a chapter22 or not. Chapter22 is technically the one from what I'd use scenes in chapter19. Each are from different POV. I'm not sure chapter22 would be long enough for an entire chapter, or not. If not, then I could use what I want to enlighten only in short scenes in chapter19. I'm not sure if I'd be satisfied with that solution or not - but I don't want to stretch for all eternity WTPH, three chapters to force myself to write would be enough torturing...

Other thing, once I want to go back and fix every typos and messy sentences in the earlier chapters, because knowing there are many, ruins my mood to think about continuing the story. Once, someone, bookmarked the story with a note that they can't follow the sentences and it gives a headache... yeah, I get it, English is not my native language, I think and put together sentences differently, because my brain works differently. (Our English teacher in high school always said us that we think Hungarian in English too, and we could learn how not to, but of course we will always work like that - it wasn't a critic back then, she taught us how to mix the two. In short, this means no matter how much I use English, how much I try, I'll always think Hungarian.) I use Grammarly though - right now, considering to buy premium - but earlier, when I was busy I only used Word's inner system to spot the mistakes, or Drive Docs. I know, I should have worked more on each chapters, to reduce to the absolute minimum the mistakes, but... no, I will do no excuses, I worked long on each chapters, weeks sometimes even just to fix and fix things again. My absolute average was at the end 1,5-2 weeks to write a chapter, and the same time to edit and post it before I'd hate it. Not even talking about, I tend to mix words, that in my mind sounds the same but not the same, or which are nearly the same in writing, like 'title - tilt', 'thought - though - through', etc, etc. I have a very long list for those. But I guess that could happen with anyone. Also, my main character is confused on mind, which means the sentences are allowed to end with no end...

Okay, sorry, don't mind me, that note just pisses me off because it still hurts. I'm aware of my faults, I'm aware I'm not native, I'm aware I should focus more on grammar, and thinks like that, and only posting things when those are perfect and shiny. But if I polish it - if it could happen at all that I could polish it to absolute perfectness - then it would still be weird, because I don't think or put together sentences the same way. I'm pretty sure, either native speakers do that...

But I accept help. If you spot any typos or mistakes, unclear sentences, stuff like that, please please please, write me, politely - if you can keep in mind that last part, that's my only request towards anyone, really. I might have just overlooked that typo during my numerous editing, because my mind most probably drained out that point to spot that, but I try. I'm not against correction. At all. I'm open to learn, I'm open to any suggestions. Any kind. How to structure sentences, when to cut those, what's the correct way for that to do. Anything, really. I try to learn too from reading others, but that can't be enough, you see. I'd be glad to hear how to fix my writing if you have advices to share with me - don't be afraid to do that. I always try to be better, to develop it all time.

Back to the point, the last chapters for WTPH are something that if once I get into, I know I won't have energy to do anything else. It would be hard. Actually, a part from the end that came to my mind first when I started to write the whole. I took the question 'okay, but how?'. And I answered it, and again, questions after questions, until I reached the point where the first chapter begins. Along the way, other questions appeared, chapter after chapter, things to add, but it was always an end scene to reach, a concept, a what-if. I want to do it properly.

I'm purposely and unconsciously too distance myself to work on it, knowing I have to get into that deeply to give out everything as it deserves to be written. And if I do that, it will drain me out. Also it would be a hard time too, getting back into the characters mind, how they think, what they know, connection to the others... I'm not just talking about Dan, Danny, Jazz or Vlad. I'm talking about the past. Yes, like how Dan was thinking previously, towards Vlad for example, before he came to Danny's time. What was the point that started to make him... else. Mostly you must know (or suspect) it already, but so far those were just hints or theories from each characters, not proven points. Nothing is true so far, only ideas. (But I have to confess, I mentioned everything even in the earliest chapters that was later recalled many times - but still, I'm sure those were not taken seriously, or something that could be important.) So, now, beyond having a hard time to get back to it, I have to close everything, make sense to things, keeping in mind, who knows - thinks - what... It is not easy. It feels to be looking o to climb a mountains, knowing, I'd trip at the top at cliff, and fall endlessly over and over again. It will consume me, but at the same time I know I want to work on LoD, which has a prologue, connected to WTPH's end point... besides GG...

Even if I don't plan to get into the main line for GG until I finish with WTPH or the planned InvisoBang one - I definitely should figure out a title for that... - but I can't get into it much until it has its base. (I mean as it's main mystery could be lead back to the end of WTPH too.) The whole is a mess, I know.

(Side note: the right order will be WTPH - LoD - GG, but! LoD is only a detour in the way. And just as GG could be read independently from WTPH, LoD or GG could be read definitely independently from each. Even from WTPH, if you want to, because the main things would be mentioned anyway. But as I said earlier, for the ones who read WTPH, I would recommend finishing that first - or skip prologue.)

-- rambling about WTPH ends here --

So to cut it short - I guess I'm already late with that... - a planned schedule (for 2022) in summary:

- the mentioned above short ones (maybe the Damon one too, but that's okay to do that before starting to share LoD, after all, it contains a main point for that...)

- start to write the InvisoBang one (or just expand the current scribbled down plot points to make it easier to write it once I could sit down for it entirely)

- go back to WTPH, and finish it (it really got into me that someone saved it to read it first before GG, so I guess I can't delay it much further... besides I really want to start sharing LoD this year, sooo...)

- (at some point open up that document that plays after WTPH, and what I wrote last year this time... it's a short, but thankfully it is - mostly - ready)

- once WTPH is done (I'm not counting some BOTP ones, I know I have a few in mind, but that's not the main line, so it not as important to count with that), I will start sharing LoD, also start for real writing GG

For clarity, LoD and GG even though playing after each other, but once again, you don't have to wait out the end for LoD to start reading GG. Besides I will work on both at the same time, so... The only 'important' thing that connects somehow the two were already mentioned in 'Two Side Of A Dream Coming True'. Dan having sometimes 'dreams' about Dani will be only briefly mentioned in LoD. Technically, nothing else is important within the two story. As I said, LoD is rather a detour for Dan. He won't be in the focus either in that, one of the main characters yes, but not in the focus, either what happened in WTPH. It would be briefed at some point, but LoD wouldn't focus on that at all.

Aaand... I think I managed to write everything out of myself. Thanks for reading it if you reached this point! It meant to be only a summary for myself what to work on after what, and not forget it, and keep it in mind. But also I made it, if anyone would be interested what my near future plans are. :)

[kierongillen]

Writer Notes: The Wicked + The Divine 33

Spoilers, obv.

I suspect this one may ramble. Or it may not. The odd thing is always when things which have been internally discussed forever end up not needing to be discussed in public. For Journey Into Mystery and Young Avengers, I always had the idea of the essay I'd end them with... but when I got there, I shrugged and did a couple of paragraphs which covered the basics.

(There was a grace note in both, in terms of highlighting a motif – Write Your Own Happy Ending and Be A Superhero. Save The World – but that's really minor detail compared to what I presumed I'd be writing.)

Well... I know it's going to be quite long, as I'm going to include the miniature essay on plot twists I lobbed up to respond to a question, just so I can include some WicDiv specific stuff.

So, WicDiv 33. The “Everything you knew is wrong” issue.

Jamie's Cover

Jamie coloured this himself.

There was a lot of discussion over this, in terms of how to resolve the equation that we'd set up. Where to go after the maximalist nature of Dio's 32? I won't mention the other options, as at least some of them may end up being used down the line. One suggestion I quite liked was doing the equivalent of the ABC Look Of Love album...

...which is this scene of posed romance on the cover, and when you flip the album, you see all the lighting and crew. In some ways, that's what this issue does.

But black makes sense on many levels as well. I suspect the idea of the specific bleakness will confound the expectations a little, but the statement of it is very there. We did say this was our Black Parade too.

Worth noting – first cover without a quote on the back. If we were sure the readers wouldn't have looked at the back cover before reading the book, we may have put Lucifer's “Am I the only one who didn't see that coming?” on there. But we couldn't be sure of that, so we didn't.

Russell's Cover

What Russell and Matt are doing over on Thor is state of the art superheroics. I've loved seeing what Russell's done across his time with Jason, and the idea of him doing a cover was just exciting. It's meant to be the full range of the medium, after all. I was surprised Russell went quite as maximalist as he did, but also pleased. I love this kind of operatic movie poster cover, and it screams Imperial Phase, including all the cast of the main arc. Dio's the hardest one to spot – that would be the black eyes over it.

IFC At this stage in the arc, working out what on earth to put in the synopsis is tricky. You have to throw your hands up to some degree.

The tweaks to the bios are the other thing – clearly we've got to set up the information required to comprehend the issue for those who may have forgotten it, without just saying what the thing is. For the very close readers, even the fact it's changed will be a tell. It was another reason we didn't do a preview for this issue, and even if we did, we wouldn't have released that page. Velocity in reading is key here.

With Woden we restate “She had some mysterious hold over him” rather than specifically talking about the Blakes. With Minerva we remind people that she was tortured on Ananke's machine, and then distract with a :(  emoticon.

Page 1

I believe the script for this page and the next is in the trade as “Making Of” material, which is fun. Chrissy tends to choose pages in terms of what's interesting, especially if we have something else to show. In this case, it's my drawing for the design of Woden's Secret Base.

My basic description for this was the Bat Cave, which is a man cave, if you squint. Having an enormous penny in it could have been a giggle. We had to have a few passes to get the lighting right on this – debating the colours on the bars of the cage was also tricky.

In terms of pulling out a detail, the suit of armour missing a head on the right would be a useful one. Balancing the “making sure it's visible” while not leaning too much into “LOOK AT THE HEADLESS SUIT” is Jamie's storytelling problem here.

The main dialogue problem was balancing the level of Cass' response here with her noise at the end of the last issue. Swearing to some degree is fine, but it has to be a specific kind of fffuuuucccckkk last issue. It couldn't be a swear that promised too much.

Page 2

And it's Pink Woden! But he's blue. Lighting, everyone.

Well... There was some debate on the colouring of Pink Woden, in various modes, and various reasons, not least the slight differences in colouring in his previous appearances.

(Issue 14 and issue 21-22, respectively.)

Have I said Pink Woden is my favourite fan name? We use it all the time internally, not least because Mimir is oddly hard to remember. Also, if we get used to saying “Mimir” we may end up saying accidentally in public.

Page 3

I had someone reach out to me wondering whether Cassandra choosing to gender someone by their voice and physical appearance was off. It's something I was thinking of at the time when writing it, and it's not exactly a line I'm happy with. But on balance, I felt it more likely that Cass would say that than Persephone would say anything.

Cass is imperfect in her language in lots of ways. I decided she's more likely to apologise about it down the line and kick herself, which I may end up working in, depending.

(You could also ask “why have anything there?” and that's only answerable in terms of the flow of information and ideas and conversation across the whole scene. Difficult Difficult Lemon Difficult.)

Lovely expression by Persephone in the background of the first panel – in fact, her conflicted expressions throughout. I especially love the reflection of the arriving Woden in the reflection of Mimir's mask in panel 6.

Page 4-5

The challenge here was always choosing where to put the page turns in this issue. What are the big beats. In my original draft the LITTLE WODEN BOY interstitial was actually on page 6, which would change the rhythm in lots of ways – not least in putting the Falling God sequence on a page turn. In the end, we gravitated to this. I'm much happier with it.

(Little Woden Boy works as a creepier punchline at the end as well.)

Anyway, hello! It's David Blake.

I... I maybe should save writing for the reveals all together. In fact, fuck it. Let's drop the ask essay here and we can then talk about the stuff I don't include in it. I'm asked whether you change something when someone guesses something, or how that feels?

****

Oh, god, no. Never change anything if someone’s guessed something. Nothing good lies in that direction.

Why?

Okay, let’s talk – with no specifics – Game of Thrones. If you go into the depths of fandom, Game of Thrones is – to some degree, in some areas – a solved problem. There’s a good selection of fan theories (some of which have come to fruition) which have so much meat on them it was clear they had to happen, or the book would break its structure and become unsatisfying.

These twists are available to anyone who wishes to google for them.

The vast majority of people don’t. So… why change the direction of the story? What’s the point of fucking over the enjoyment of the vast majority of people (i.e. making your story make less sense, as you’re abandoning the already existing thread) for playing gotcha on a tiny fraction of your audience?

(As a quick aside – compare and contrast theorising in a fanbase with actual events in the text that’s being adapted. Clearly, anyone who is watching GoT could have googled the synopsis of the book. Equally, anyone who’s read the books knows the big beats. Does the adaptation change the big beats? If surprise to everyone in your audience is all that mattered, you would. We don’t.)

It’s also worth noting that, while obviously some complain on the nature of the adaptation, most fans of a book generally complain that they wish it was more like the book. In other words, things that surprised them (i.e. differed from their knowledge of the text) were less satisfying. They wanted to see the big dramatic beats, even if they’re stripped of their surprise.

Surprise only matters the first time you read something. For me, any worthwhile piece of literature exists to be reread, and will open up more upon rereading. In other words, knowing the twist should add to the rereading of the book. If it doesn’t, and renders the story less than it was, it’s probably a bad twist – which is one reason why I don’t tend to call them “Plot twists” to myself. I call them reveals. The plot doesn’t contort. It’s merely revealing something in the nature of the world the reader was unaware of.

(As an aside, this means that someone who has guessed successful the direction of the plot is actually effectively skipping to their second read of the book earlier.)

There’s the other side of this as well – not just whether a plot beat has been guessed, but the almost inevitability of a plot beat being guessed. GoT fans have had twenty years to puzzle this out. In that period, a mass communication device emerged which allowed fans to talk to one another and share ideas. This machine would have torn apart any plot.

No one individual needs to guess anything. People can make one step in a chain, and then that step is exposed to thousands of minds. If even one of them can make the intuitive leap to the next step, then it continues. No one person needs to be clever enough to see the whole thing. The internet hivemind is Miss Marple, seeing through the most contorted of machinations.

(In passing, this is one reason why Alternate Reality Games are hard to do, because the mass hive mind will figure almost anything out, almost instantly. Equally in passing, the failure to understand this is another reason why Ready Player One is bad, but that’s irrelevant.)

In other words, the reason why twists are guessable is the same reason they are satisfying. A twist that isn’t foreshadowed sufficiently to give the possibility of being guessed by someone is not a satisfying twist, as it – by definition – came out of nowhere.

To make this specific to my own work. In the case of the biggest and most intricate of my current books, WicDiv, we sell about 18k in monthlies and sell 18k in trades (in the first month of release). That’s our hardcore devoted readership. How many people of them actually read the essays in the WicDiv tags? I’d say 500 at the absolute maximum, and likely a lot less. So for a maximum of 1.3% of our readership, we’d derail a still effective twist for everyone else? No, that would be a bad call.

Especially – and this is key – the people who have chosen to engage with a fandom are aware that they may figure something out. They are trying to figure something out. Why take that pleasure away from them?

In a real way, I think, in long-form narrative, pure plot twists which no one in the world guesses are dead in the Internet age, at least when dealing with any even vaguely popular work of art. You can do them in short-form narratives (like a single novel, a single movie and perhaps a streaming TV show they drop in one go) but for anything where you give a fanbase the chance to think, it’s just not going to happen. A creator should be glad their work is popular enough to have enough fans to figure it out.

Yes, I may have overthought this.

But that’s only half the question.

How do I actually feel when someone guesses something that’s going to happen? Well, this is long enough already. Let’s put the personal stuff beneath a cut…

*

I’d say you sigh “Oh, poop”and shrug.

And then you get over your ass, because you know all the above is true. Writers are often megalomaniacs who think they can control everyone’s response to their work. We don’t. We can’t control everything. We can barely control anything. We really have to let go. I’ve said WicDiv is a device to help me improve as a person, yes? It would include in this area. I have to learn to let it go, and internalise all of the above. If I can make most of my readership have the vague emotional response I’m looking for, I’m winning.

I’ve mostly succeeded at this. I’m certainly better than I was two years ago.

(I’ll probably write more about spoilers and twists and stuff down the line. I’d note that setting up twists that *are* easily guessable by the hardcore is part of the methodology. Having a nice big twist foreshadowed heavily is a good way to hide another twist behind it. “Hey – pay attention to this less subtle sleight of hand while I perform the actual sleight of hand over here.” In which case, there’s less of an Oh Poop response and more of a cackling evil mastermind response.)

The sigh can occasionally be accompanied with a “Hmm. I wouldn’t have posted that” or – more likely – “I wouldn’t have posted that THERE.”

To stress, what follows isn’t about my work per se, but culture generally, and is very much personal. This is stuff which good friends disagree with me on.

As a fan, I never tweet my own fan theories. I only tweet joke ones. Even my crack theories I don’t tweet, as they’re normally so bizarre that if they actually DO happen, I wouldn’t want to take the thrill away from people. Even in person in conversation I make sure we’re going into a deep fan hole before sharing them, aware that they may be true.

In a real way, the more likely I think something is true, the less likely I’ll say it. As this is my job, I tend to see basic structural ways stories are heading way in advance of most people. I’m a composer. I know how music works. You have a vague sense of what way they’ll go.

(One day I’ll write down my crack theory for the end of the previous Game of Thrones season. Maybe after next season, as it’s not impossible that they may end up doing it, though it’s increasingly unlikely.)

If I had a really good theory I’ve gathered evidence for? You can guarantee I’d put it beneath a cut. That’s the stuff which bemuses me. It’s a cousin of posting major spoilers about any piece of culture the day it comes out. The worst is one regular twitter trope – I’m always bemused when people do a “Calling it! XYZ will happen” tweet. Which strikes me a little like standing up in the cinema 20 minutes into a film and shouting out that you’ve guessed the ending. This ties back to the stuff I wrote above about twists being less effective in the modern age, except in a place where you can control the context and conversation. People may message in movies, but they rarely message everyone in the room.

(In passing, as it’s vaguely on topic – you may remember the research from a few years ago saying people who know a twist enjoy the story more than people who don’t know a twist. Even if this is true – and a single study should always get an eyebrow raise – it strikes me as a confusion over what “enjoy” means. All pleasure isn’t equivalent, and you can only have surprise on your first time through a work of art. That’s novelty. You can have that and then gain the “not surprise” experience second time through. If you spoil a work, it means the “novelty” experience is something you will never have. You may enjoy something more if you know the twist but you can always rewatch it to get that pleasure. If you’re spoiled, the individual specific pleasure of that first watch has been stolen.)

But that’s a conversation of social mores. Really, it doesn’t change anything in terms of how we act… and sometimes, I even grin when someone gets a twist in advance. The machine is working as intended. It’s actually kind of worrying if no one is thinking something is up in an area you’ve set up to be iffy. And… the alternative is worse – hell, there’s buried twists and details in Young Avengers that no one’s managed to figure out yet.

Twist ending: oh, no, I was a ghost all along.

****

I'm pretty sure the asker was asking about the Woden/Blake/Jon twist, and I'm primarily talking in terms of balancing the various needs of the group.

The problem with this twist was less making sure that people didn't get it, but making sure that everyone understood its import. If, hypothetically, I didn't want (barely) anyone to get it, we wouldn't have mentioned Jon after we introduced him in issue 6. Problem being, everyone needs to know Jon is a person who is Blake's kid when they hit this beat. My solution was to just reintroduce Jon hard, and resolve it, knowing that most people would just accept that. Then everyone knows who Jon is, so the father/son switch makes sense.

(In other words, far better some people suspect Woden is Blake rather than everyone going “Jon who?” Especially because the real horror of the Woden/Blake reveal is in its details.)

There's the other aspect to it as well – it's the sacrificial decoy aspect that I mentioned above. Even if guessed, it's a big enough twist to distract people. I reveal this at the start of the issue, so people will probably suspect that's enough big reveals for the issue. Yet no.

(See also: issue 11's dual deaths)

In reality, I was much more worried about the relatively small leap from realising Woden Is Blake And Jon Is Pink Woden to Mimir Is A Head.

But more on that later, I suspect.

Anyway! Storytelling!

There is something incredibly instantly disturbing about Blake without the helmet on, right?

Persephone's line was tweaked a bunch. I cut it as far as I could while still existing. It's a tiny moment of Rising Action, immediately squashed.

The switch to green as the cage goes to full power, plus Matt Wilson's wonderful pixel effects.

Love the Tron-eque light-bike trails seguing into flashback...

Page 6-7

The first date is just before Ragnarock 2013, where we first saw Jon on the stage in Laura's Flashback in issue 6.

This is a “Performance” by Jon, so is presented as such, in the same manner of Persephone's performance in issue 20. Jamie's integrated circuitry design is great, and allows us to go to a limited palette. 8 panel, 8-bit glory.

And Jon Blake.

You write and discover the characters. Jon has barely been in the book – he has a couple of lines of dialogue in issue 14, and that's it. I always knew why Ananke rejects him as unsuitable, but specifically how that would be articulated was something I thought I'd discover on the page. Writing a new character this far into the book is the sort of thing which keeps it interesting.

I was worried it would be hard, or shallow, as surely all the relevant little bits of me are already taken with the rest of the cast? Within a couple of sentences of typing, I knew I had completely forgotten one Gillen archetype.

I realised Jon was a heroic take on Lloyd/Mr Logos.

I laughed. Of course. Perfect.

The 11 days later says so much about how intricate the timeline is around here. It's the day before Baal and Sakhmet made their public debut.

The “She's a fucking weirdo/language” panel is a joy.

Yeah, Ananke really does like hanging around in people's gardens.

I specifically called for Ananke to be in an outfit from a previous God-creation sequence...

Page 8-9

...so Jamie could reuse the masks and only draw Jon transforming, and pull an extra page out of the budget.

The most embarrassing bit here is that I wrote this from my memory of Mimir's legends in the early drafts, and only remembered to actually check my notes at lettering. In fact, I'd got a couple of minor details of Mimir wrong.

(Or rather, didn't grasp the complexities of Mimir – it's very hard to get a take on Mimir, because the main myths we have of him are contradictory.)

Page 10-11

Man, I want to go to Mimir's club night.

In my original draft I wrote it as Jon cutting off Ananke's “Mimir” so that the god name wasn't revealed until the last page of this whole section. As in, it would stop people putting the book down, googling “Mimir”, realising “Heads” and then possibly seeing where we were going at the end of the issue.

I decided against it, in that's only going to be a tiny fraction of readers. If people want to break the flow of their reading to look up facts, I can't control that. Even then, I also knew it would be far from certain that just because they realised Mimir is a head, that they'd then realise others could be a head before the end of the comic.

And NOT including Mimir breaks the flow for everyone else, and is a bit cheap. Better than that.

That knife gets around.

Page 12

First panel: I never get bored of modern blur photoshop to show this kind of effect.

PoV shots are something I adore in comics. The six-panel grid gives it lots of space as well.

Honestly, that last panel with Mimir's own reflection is the creepiest thing in the world, and I love it.

Page 13

Yeah, I'm much happier with the interstitial here. Horrible.

(To state the obvious: Pinocchio reference.)

Page 14-15

I just imagine the tension in this room. Ugh.

I originally had a bunch more written for Woden here, but cut it. It was much better in the silent. He may say some of it down the line, but cutting it right to the basics – the particularly creepy basics – seemed key.

We went with a normal gun. Normal guns were at the start of the story, and have sort of disappeared. Once more we return.

Lots to unpick in all this dialogue, so won't give anything else. I'll say the whole exchange about the machine was as finely picked over to imply the meaning as much as anything else in the book – that's the thing about comics. The flowery fancy stuff? That's great and fun. But the real job is the compressing of precise exact detail, especially in a book which is nothing but precise detail.

I was chatting to Jamie about issue 34 earlier, and Jamie said how much he likes drawing Mimir's helmet. Looking at page 15 makes me see it – the second and fourth panels are just excellent in completely different ways.

Page 16-17-18

Jamie chose the steady angle, I believe, with a background drop, and Matt working the colours to show the emotions.

First panel is where the last of the fun drips out of Cassandra's expletives, and we're just left with something that's really just offensive and ugly. If there's any point where the issue reaches the black cover, it'd be this sequence.

I'm glad they've got here though.

Clearly, this is a Jamie masterclass. Pick it apart, learn. delight. Like – penultimate panel on page 16. The pause, the glance aside. Perfect. Look across page 17. There's a mixture of emotion and sheer dullness and boredom and fear, and how it all pushes and pulls again.

(“And I got it” is something else)

I believe I've said WicDiv contains a recapitulation of basically everything I've ever done as a creator. Mainly the Jamie and me stuff, but basically everything. I realised Laura's arc on Imperial Phase is me reprising what I did in Generation Hope – probably one of my least remembered things, which strikes me as fair – it only landed properly as we inched towards the end of the year. The plot was basically “Is Hope Good Or Bad?” when the answer was “Her Dad died a few days before the issue started. She's fucked up.” Only in mainstream death-happy superhero comics would that work as a twist. This was a bit like that – we distance the reader from Persephone and just show the actions and see what you make of it.

“Try to be kind. You have no idea what people are going through.”

That was the stuff I'd had planned from the start, but it only got more specific as I got nearer it and WicDiv became what it was. I've talked about having mixed feelings about WicDiv's success. Laura's arc is it writ large. I hate that the definitive work of my career is this. If my Dad was not dead I would not have written this book. There is a guilt and anger that is hard to articulate directly there, and is the material I was mining for this.

On a boring technical level, we did a lot of work with Cass explicitly saying facts to ensure that no one in the readership thinks Laura is confessing to killing her family. In an issue as twisty as this, I suspect some people would have.

(The second panel on page 17 is another one – tall enough to have a bunch of half ideas.)

And Laura, after making a breakthrough, immediately crumbles to another mistake.

The “Laura” line is a nod to the song, and one of the lines in the original WicDiv document sheet.

Page 19

I was going to tweak Cass' line – in some myths he's a giant – but that she's musing gives her a little freedom to dance around what we know.

You know, I suspect one reason why Mimir was never brought up as an option connected to Woden is that he's one of the very few Norse myths who've never appeared in a Marvel superhero comic. Or at least I don't think he has.

Normally we'd put something as big as the head remove on a page turn, but it's a physically small beat, so not something you will automatically recognise out the corner of your eye when you're reading.

I love Cass' thinking face in the penultimate panel. Thinkythinkythinky.

Two major beats happening on this page, of course – it appears Mimir is a head (or a robot head, perhaps?) and Mimir thinks the machine does nothing.

And then we hard-cut to what we do, but it's worth dwelling on this a little. When thinking of plot structure, I talk about a few ways to disguise twists. Earlier, I mentioned a Big Twist can make people suspect the twists are over. This is something I tend to think of as a revealed move. As in, you create a machine of logic with a missing part. You add the missing part as late as possible, and then immediately move to what has been concealed before the audience is able to process the new information.

Hence two beats and a hard-cut...

Page 20-21-22-23

Anyway – this clearly had to be a page turn. To state the obvious.

Steady angle shot here, to have the awfulness of it there. I suspect if I’d had space I'd have had the last panel on page 19 be a third of a page, so the two removed heads could mirror one another.

As a minor detail, Minerva's running feet in the second panel of 20 are really good.

Minerva's gesture on page 21.2 is a joy. I know that feeling, Mini.

I really wanted Inanna to be talking from off panel on page 21, but that definitely would give the game away. The problem with distinctive fonts...

And 22 is the reveal on the heads. Probably best not to say much more about this, as I suspect any of the design elements will intersect with what happens in issue 34, so I'll talk a bit about it then.

Tara and Inanna's expressions really are wonderful.

Luci's line came surprisingly late. The “Talking Heads” interstitial came early. The only reason I wasn't going to use it here was in case I wanted to use it later. I decided I didn't.

Okay... twists.

In reality, for me, it's a case of once you've decided that this is the plot, the only way to do it is dovetail towards an issue like this. Any of these individual beats provide too much connective tissue to the other ones, meaning all must be revealed or none.

(You could argue about Minerva, I suspect. Maybe.)

It's been strange writing a book like this – when so much is there early on. Seeing who got what and who didn't, and how people reinforced people has been interesting. That the core WicDiv tumblr community has never really suspected Minerva was off is in some way a surprise – though I've had people talk about that directly and personally. Blake/Jon and Minerva-is-Off-In-Some-Way were the two twists I would guard, but their primary importance was in how they led to the Heads.

When Ray Fawkes told me “There's a reason you're doing all the decapitations, right?” circa issue 2, I suspected that I'd overplayed the hand by having a literal talking head in issue 3... but it turned out fine.

“Played the hand” is interesting phrasing, and telling. Writing something as intricate as this is like doing a slow-motion card trick, in public, constantly. It is a form of constant stress. I have been paranoid of fucking it up in stupid ways, and it's impacted every single conversation I've ever had about WicDiv. Like just writing one name when I mean another or something. There was a hilarious panic when I added ‘Killer Queen’ to the playlist, just thinking of it as a quite funny Ananke song... and then realised there was only one character in the cast with a connection to the band Queen, and that was Minerva. Should I take it off the playlist? No, someone may notice that, and it's against my rules anyway. I quickly added a few other things to camouflage it.

As if anyone is watching that closely, y'know?

That's an extreme example, but an entirely characteristic one. I have lost sleep over it. Even a year ago, I wished I could just get to 33 and not worry about it. When 33 dropped, it was simultaneously excellent (the response was basically what we expected) and an anticlimax (The amount of emotional and intellectual effort you put into doing this is not worth it. It could never be worth it.) I've been telling friends that I'll never write a story that operates like this again. Partially that is because I wouldn't want to repeat myself, and partially because – as I said above – I think twists are less effective in long-form serialised work in 2017, but mainly as I don't think I want to do this to myself again. I'll find some other way to torture myself.

(Spangly New Thing certainly abandons the Scorpion's-Tale narrative model in favour of an intricate character clock of woe.)

Actually, talking playlists...  I have prepared something. There's a secondary WicDiv playlist which I've been using since July for songs which speak to the end of year three and the remainder of year four. I didn't want to add these songs to the main playlist in case a particularly determined WicDiv fan worked out issue 33 from them. This says a lot about the high levels of anxiety I've been running on for the last few years on this topic. It would be terrible to blow it in such a dumb way. Now, those reading in issues know secrets the trade readers don't. So it's going to be an interesting few months.

Here's the playlist. Keep it mum. I'll add it to the main list when the trade's out. Don't shoot me for the first track.

You may have seen us trying to prod people to reread WicDiv before 33. This was partially in response to a friend who read 33 before it came out who said – I paraphrase – “I wish I could tell people to reread the series now, because after they read 33, those issues are gone, forever.” She's right – it's a pure ‘everything changes’ issue, and you can't reread the comic earlier, because everything has transmuted beneath your fingers.

Which is by our design, but is still a grim thing to think about. We've destroyed all those issues on the shelves, and replaced them with a new story. On the bright side, we've given you 35 free comics. I suspect this returns to Jamie’s and my twitchiness over comic prices, and trying to make ours better value, every way we can. In this case, we want to make rereading valuable and exciting.

SIGH! This has been a journey, friends. I'm glad I no longer have to think about any of the above. There's huge stuff coming in the final year, but it's got entirely its own character and momentum. The cards we're playing with have fundamentally changed. There's so much stuff to come, but it builds from this.

Oh – I'm sort of regretting mentioning the thing about the third theme in the backmatter, as it's clearly the sort of thing that's going to drive a certain strata of reader to distraction – especially as if there's any number of other themes in the book. The one I was thinking intersects a little with pre-existing major themes, and speaks to the particular spin on them. We'll get to it eventually. Don't worry.

Anyway, to sum it all up, clearly with four talking heads, WicDiv is four times as good as Sandman. That is a FACT.

Christmas Special shortly, the trade collection in January, the 1923 Special in February and we're back with issue 34 in March, with the new arc.

Thanks for reading.

[tintinxtintin]

possession ch. 5

Jade

"I don't want you to go home." Brady says as we walk down the beach. We've been down here for about three hours playing beach games with all the guys, and thirty minutes ago, he suggested we take a walk. I agreed happily, really liking being alone with him. Not that I don't enjoy the other boys' company, I just like having some time alone with Brady.

I really like him, and it almost scares me. I've never felt this way with anyone the way I do with him, and it's only been four days. It's like I'm falling without a parachute, and I just know that I'll crash, but something else is telling me I won't.

Liking him is almost a dangerous thing to do. I know how popular he is and how big his fanbase is. I also know the amount of hate I could get for even being seen with him. But I just can't keep my distance.

Those two days when he was too busy to text me, felt like torture, like he was on his phone and just chose not to talk to me. But I know Brady wouldn't do that. He had to rehearse for hours, and also find time to sleep and eat.

"Yeah me either I love LA." Just as he's about to reply, two girls in rather revealing bikinis walk up to us, giggling and screeching. One of them, a blonde, pounces Brady, and the other glares at me. I look away, feeling awkward.

"OH MY GOSH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! WILL YOU PLEASE TAKE A PICTURE?" The girl hugging Brady yells. I glance around, hoping no one is paying attention. Luckily for us, the beach isn't really crowded, So no one even looks up.

The curly haired boy smiles a fake smile, and takes the picture. The other girl turns to me, shoves her phone at me, and rudely tells me to take one of all three of them. I want to say hell no, but I don't want to possibly ruin Brady's image before it's even fully developed.

I snap the photo and hand the girl her phone back. She snatches it away, and her friend snickers.

"Are you guys dating?" The blonde girl asks. I blush a little at the thought of dating him, but shake my head.

"No, we're just friends." I can't help but notice a little frown on Brady's face, but I keep it to myself that I saw. Both girls continue to glare at me before saying they love Brady and walking away giggling.

"Thank God, I thought they'd never leave." I gasp and lightly smack him on the arm.

"You can't say that about your fans!"

"I can if they're rude. The blonde one spit on me when she yelled." His face turns into a grimace, and I laugh at how cute he looks trying to be angry. It's like how you have that one friend who's small and adorable and when they get mad it's cute.

"They were really rude. I mean, she practically demanded I take that picture." A noise inside my pocket interrupts our conversation. I pull out my phone and see a text from Liv.

Liv: Your mom says we have to go. Phones are dying and the boys should get back to the hotel

Me: on the way back.

"We have to go back. My mom is ready to leave." He nods, and we walk back the way we came, conversing the whole way. He listens when I tell him about my childhood, and I listen as he tells me about his. Much to my dismay, we eventually arrive back where we left everyone.

"Goodnight Jade." Brady says as he and all the guys are gathering up to leave. I tell him goodnight as well, and look over to see a sight for sore eyes. Sergio and Liv are standing off to the side of everyone else, Sergio leaning down to plant a kiss on her cheek.

I guess I'm not the only person who saw it because some of the guys howl in praise at their friend. He waves them off and starts to walk away with them. Liv comes over to me, and I shoot her a look that says she and I will have to discuss that later.

Before heading back to our hotel, we stop at McDonald's for dinner. I love every bit of my double cheeseburger, and Liv gets her beloved McChicken. How she eats those gross things I'll never know.

Once back in our room, I change into a tshirt and some gym shorts, and check my phone for any messages. There's only one, and it's from Brady.

Brady: I miss you already haha

Me: very smooth kid, very smooth

Brady: What can I say? I'm a go getter ;)

Me: get some sleep weirdo

Brady: Ugh, fine. Goodnight for the second time

Me: goodnight.

"Girls, I want to talk about some things with you. There a few things I want your opinion on, and one is based off of the other." My mom says, coming from the bathroom. Liv and I nod, waiting for her to continue.

"Liv I know that your home life isn't very great and I know that you hold a lot of anger for your parents. I want to know what you think about me officially becoming your legal guardian for the next two years. You basically live with us anyway."

Liv looks absolutely shocked, and I can tell she's never even thought about this before. I have considered it, but I never knew my mother was too. I think the whole thing would be amazing. I already consider her like my sister, so nothing would change.

"Yeah, I'm good with that." I nod in agreement, and my mom smiles.

"Okay good. I already have some paperwork drafted up, and I talked to your parents earlier today. It took some convincing, but I managed to get them to agree to sign. The second thing I want to ask you about is how do you feel about moving? Since you'd be living with us all the time, I'd imagine you want your own space."

"Moving where?" I ask. I don't really have a problem with moving, but where we would go is a concern. I want to live somewhere where there are things to do.

"I was thinking about moving here to LA."

That'd be so awesome! There's fun things to do, beautiful beaches, and not to mention I'll get to see Brady more often. The thought of moving here makes me happy, and I know Liv agrees. After we've all agreed that moving is okay, we throw on a movie to watch. Liv and I stay up talking about Brady and Sergio, and how we both really like them.

Sometime around 2:30am, we both fall asleep, I dream of my cafe run with a certain Italian singing hottie.

______________________________

[shsl-shipper-gamer-fangirl]

Dangan Thieves AU - The Circus of a First Palace

A/N Finally! An actual fic for the dangan thieves AU. I think it’s a good 6k draft (I’m a bit rusty, sorry!) Also please take note that I’m going to skip the tutorial and awakening scenes so we can jump right into the first palace! But first! Gotta thank these awesome people for inspiring me! Send them lots of love please!

[concept art Palace Ruler Chisa 1] [2] @ministarfruit

[first summary] @annsparksthegmr

Beloved Teacher and Ringmistress

“Chisa Yukizome. Hope’s Peak Academy. Circus.”

“Commencing navigation.”

All it takes are three keywords and a mysterious app to see just how despairing someone’s heart can be.

Once the dull throb inside their heads subside, so does all form of rationality. What once was the school is now replaced by a circus tent. Spotlights surrounded it, making it hard to miss among the drab concrete buildings. There aren’t even cognitive students loitering around, after all they are most probably the performers inside the tent. From afar, a crowd cheers, over what they’re not sure. If there’s anything they are certain of it’s that this is no dream.

This is reality. This is the reality as seen through their teacher’s eyes. This is a despairing palace.

This is Miss Yukizome’s Palace.

“No matter how many times I see it, it’s still… sad,” Chiaki— Bonnie says with a dejected sigh. She’s already transformed into her Dangan Thief outfit, prepared but not as enthusiastic. “To think that someone like Miss Yukizome has a palace… It’s a plot twist but I don’t like it one bit.”

“Me neither. But this is what we’re up against,” Hajime— Ace says with a face that isn’t exactly thrilled about this either. He readjusts his gloves out of nervous habit. “I don’t like the idea of confronting her like this but this is only way that might get through her at this point.”

“I don’t want to hurt her but… I don’t like how she’s hurting the others. I just want our old teacher back,” She contemplates morosely. If she was still the same Chiaki then maybe she wouldn’t have done anything. But she’s different now. She won’t let herself be a helpless npc. This time she’s going to be the best playable character. “Let’s go talk some sense into her, Ace.”

They enter the circus tent shortly after and explore until they eventually reunite with Monomi at a safe room.

“Uwawa! You came back!” Monomi cries as she hurls herself at them, only Bonnie catches her though she doesn’t seem to mind the cold shoulder from Ace.

“Not like we had a choice. Us coming back has nothing to do with you though,” Ace comments it goes ignored.

“Were you lonely, Monomi?” Bonnie affectionately pets the bunny mascot.

“Just a bit!” Monomi pulls back, she wipes off the tears from her button eyes and puts on a sweet smile. “But I’m okay now that you two are here! Are you going to steal the treasure?”

“No, we just came here to visit you,” Ace says sarcastically.

“Is that so? Ehehe, that makes me so happy!” Monomi blushes and shuffles her feet shyly.

“…” Ace doesn’t react at first. He doesn’t know how to react to this. So he doesn’t. At all. “Anyways, we’re going to look for this treasure now.”

“Oh! Oh! Let me help!” Monomi excitedly hops towards him with her arms raised in volunteer.

“No offense but we don’t even know what you are, much less what you can do,” He shot her down.

“It’s alright. Let her help,” Bonnie counters him with a smile that was more reassuring than the third party in question.

“What.” Ace shoots her an incredulous look. “Why? You can’t tell me that she isn’t suspicious. Besides, I don’t think we can afford to babysit her.”

“You don’t need to worry about me! I can defend myself pretty well!” Monomi puffs proudly at first but then shrinks back to awkwardly shuffling her feet. “Actually, the shadows don’t attack me for some weird reason… So! I definitely won’t hold you down since I won’t need defending!”

He points at her in accusation. “Okay first of all, that sounds suspicious as hell.”

“Or convenient for us,” Bonnie amends. She’s taking this new information too well that it has Ace concerned. Did that seriously not raise any alarms? She sure didn’t look that alarmed though. Then again, this is the same girl who sleeps through alarms that could save her life. She’s too complacent around alarms apparently. “She won’t hold us back and that’s all that matters. For now, shouldn’t it be fine?”

No, it definitely wasn’t fine. But Ace feels like he couldn’t win this argument anyways, at least not without a worse headache than this. They’ve already wasted enough time as it is. Might as well just go along with it just to get it over with and hope this won’t be their downfall. “Fine. But we’re not going to wait for you if you get left behind.”

Bonnie mouths a ‘thank you’ at him and then she turns to their guest party member. “You hear that, Monomi? You’re coming with us, probably.”

Monomi jumps, overjoyed. “Yay! I pwomise you, I won’t be a pwoblem!”

They’re Dangan Thieves trying to steal from the ringmistress of this circus filled with shadows out to kill them. Ace thinks that a walking stuffed toy is the least of their problems.

Well at least Monomi was somewhat helpful. She was able to find a map so there’s that. Ace had to hold back a comment about how any of them could have found it, it just so happened that Monomi was walking in front so she’d see it first. Bonnie was encouraging Monomi too much.

They traversed through the circus according to the map. There were four main levels and upon exploration, they were able to discern the specific themes for each level. There was a clown level aka nightmare fuel level, they never talk about it. There was a human performer level which would have been amazing if only they didn’t recognize some of the faces of the cognitions. There was even an animal level, those shadows were more brutal than cute.

Perhaps even more bizarre than the levels themselves, was the main mode of transportation.

“I’m not afraid of heights but I’m starting to reconsider,” Ace comments as slowly walks on a tightrope with his heart hammering in his chest. He can never be too careful since one misstep could land him dead. Meanwhile Bonnie just speedwalks right ahead of him. How does she even do that? Does she have a cheat code or something? “How are you so calm on these?”

“Why shouldn’t I be calm?” Bonnie asks without a single tremble in her voice, as if they aren’t walking on a trapeze wire that’s above a god knows how deep chasm. He had a feeling that if he wasn’t on the wire, she’d be jumping across it instead. “I’ve played lots of games with tightropes so I’ve gotten the hang of it… I think.”

“Bonnie, I know you’re into games and all but that is not how this works,” He tries to correct her thinking, he tries so hard.

There is no doubt in his mind that videogame skills do NOT transfer in real life, especially tightrope skills. Why does she make it sound like it makes so much sense when it doesn’t?

She even says it so innocently that it physically pulls a deep sigh from him. Maybe it’s because this is a cognitive world. Her ignorance transforms into unprecedented skill here. Yeah, right. “I mean, aren’t you the least bit scared of falling?”

“But I’ve never fallen in videogames?” She replies, honestly confused at what he was getting at.

“That’s not— Ack!” He loses his balance and for a moment, he thinks he sees his life flash before his eyes. He snaps out of his reverie through pure spite at the fact that his life was boring. He recovers his foothold with some effort on his part. Then there’s Bonnie, already at the end, watching him with curious eyes. He gives up. “You know what, forget it. Why do I even ask?”

“Ah. There’s a cannon here we can use.”

“That better shoot us to a safety net because I’m still pissed at the shadow trap the last one shot us into.”

It did land them on a safety net but as they were about to find out, it was just a false sense of security.

“Another cannon? What the hell?”

They landed on a glowing safety net but surrounding them was pitch black. There was no floor or tightrope to walk on, just darkness. However once they climbed that net, they found four cannons at the top, one for each corner. Each cannon was aiming at a different direction, at what exactly they couldn’t tell. It was far too dark to see anything other than the glowing safety net.

Until there was fire. Several fires actually.

“Seriously? Rings of fire?” Ace asks, already dreading where this was going.

“This feels very Zelda-esque. I think these cannons will lead to more cannons but there’s only one true path,” Bonnie analyzes at the top of her head. She claps her hands in appreciation. “Amazing! I’ve always wanted to try solving this kind of puzzles outside of videogames!”

Ace however, didn’t share her enthusiasm. “Didn’t we already meet our quota for puzzles at that house of mirrors?”

That puzzle in particular was more confusing than it should have been. Ace still feels a hole where his pride used to be since Bonnie knew how to solve it at a glance while he just wasted half an hour in there. How was he supposed to know that he had to look at the backgrounds that the mirrors reflected? He was too preoccupied comparing his own actual reflections which looking back, was obviously a lost cause. Anywhere he looked, his reflection was warped in some way.

Hell, there was even this one mirror which he was sure was broken since it wasn’t reflecting him at all. It was reflecting some dude with long black hair and red eyes. That was just plain unsettling.

“Only lazy dungeons have one type of puzzles. You got to give our teacher credit for creativity,” She shouldn’t be praising this torture palace but that’s what it sounded like. At least someone was enjoying this. She turns to him with expectant eyes. “So how should we do this? Should we split or stick together?”

“Let’s just take turns shooting each other I guess.”

Eventually they solve the puzzle with ease but not without grudge. And here Ace thought he hated trapeze wires but it doesn’t come quite close to his animosity towards cannons. How many times did he get blasted off them? Too many in one lifetime. At least this puzzle was pretty straightforward so he couldn’t complain, as much. He can still hear ringing in his ears.

Not long after that, they finally arrive at the Treasure Room. It’s more anti-climactic than it sounds.

“This is the treasure? Doesn’t look much of a treasure to me,” Ace comments on the floating blur in front of them. The only hint that it was some sort of treasure was that it was the last room and by default, it should be the treasure. That and sometimes it sparkles or at least he thinks so if he squints hard enough.

He is not impressed. “Don’t tell me this is another puzzle.”

“Hmm…  Not a puzzle but maybe it’s a locked key item?” Bonnie suggests thoughtfully. “Maybe there’s a certain condition we need to clear first before we can get it.”

“That’s right!” Monomi suddenly pipes in. “Right now, the treasure is distorted just like everything else here. To steal it, we need to transform it into something physical.”

“How exactly do we do that?” Ace asks with his usual skepticism.

“By having the Palace Ruler conscious that her treasure’s about to be stolen!” Monomi says it matter-of-factly.

“Doesn’t the Shadow Chisa already know that we’re going to steal it though?”

“No, not that one. The one you should target is the Miss Chisa in your world,” Monomi corrects and then adds on, “This world is built from the real world. Remember how you two had ambushed her in her office and how that opened a level here? It’s the same principle.”

“I see. So if we tell the real Miss Yukizome that we’re going to steal her treasure then she’ll be conscious about it enough to actually have the treasure manifest here… or so I think,” Bonnie concludes with honed logic.

“That’s exactly it! Good job!” Monomi flails her arms in cheer. She’s proud that her students learn fast.

“So what? We just tell her something vague like, 'we’ll steal your treasure’, just like that?” Ace holds his chin, contemplating. His lips form a straight line. He doesn’t like this plan at all. “I don’t know about this. It feels like an express ticket to expulsion.”

“Don’t worry! You don’t have to actually do it yourselves. Or rather, you don’t need to reveal your identities!” Monomi cheerfully reassures them. “As long as 'someone’ is out to get it then the effect should be the same.”

“Got it. Leave this to me.” Bonnie raises her hand enthusiastically. Her face is determined but also just barely hiding her excitement. “I’ve always wanted to try something like this.”

“Wait, what something? What exactly do you plan to do?” He asks in concern but she just smiles coyly.

“It’s a surprise.”

Sending a calling card was definitely a last surprise.

Not just one calling card but several in fact. They practically littered the school. They were scattered on the ground outside, and on the floor inside, some were posted on the walls. They were hard to miss. How did she even get to print this many without getting caught? How did she post them all without getting caught?

And yet here was Chiaki, playing nonchalantly, still not caught.

He walks towards her and whispers discreetly, “Hey, isn’t this a little bit overboard? Shouldn’t one calling card to her desk be enough?”

“Maybe… if we were already famous.” She shrugs. She doesn’t pause the game but she continues the conversation, “If it were you and only you got this card, what would you have thought?”

“Someone has too much free time on their hands?”

“Exactly. It’ll come off as a prank and it’s easier to contain it into a private incident. Something she can control.” She stops talking when a few students pass them by and then whispers in a low voice, “But this? This is public humiliation. This will at least cause a panic and an outrage at most.”

“I see… Posting on the whole school level does make it look high priority.” He has to admit, this was a well thought out plan. Impractical as it may seem at first glance, the reasoning behind it was on point. There’s just one concern left. “Do you think it worked though?”

She doesn’t answer. She doesn’t need to answer.

Because someone else makes the answer known for them.

“What rotten oranges! The most rotten of all fruits!” They turn around and see Miss Yukizome shouting furiously, already sweeping a pile of calling cards. “To think that someone would go so far? I don’t think they understand just who they are messing with! I will find the brats behind this. After all, rotten oranges should be either thrown or buried.”

And while Hajime was sweating bullets from that obvious death threat, Chiaki seemed to take the news better.

“It looks like we have a treasure to steal,” She states with a triumphant look.

—

Dear Ringmistress Yukizome

Your despairing desires have turned this school into a circus. You no longer treat students as they should be, instead you educate them mercilessly. This distasteful show has gone long enough. We have come for you to repent and so we are going to steal your heart.

Sincerely, The Dangan Thieves of Hope

“Did you really think you could steal my treasure?

This school is my circus and I am its ringmistress! You rotten oranges are nothing more than stage performers who jump at my command! Petty thieves have no place in my circus!

I’ll make sure to have you jump through fates worse than rings of fire!”

—

Just as Chiaki had said, when they returned to the Treasure Room, the treasure had manifested. Instead of the indiscernible blurred blob, an extravagant top hat floats before them. Even at a glance, the material woven with is of high quality and the buttons glimmer with a shine similar to polished gems. Truly for a hat, it could be hailed as a treasure.

“A fancy top hat, huh. I was kind of expecting a whip honestly,” Ace comments as he admires it from afar, almost mesmerized.

“I guess you would think that. But it’s actually the top hat that’s the true status symbol, I think,” Bonnie adds on, just one of those trivias she picked up from videogames.

“The top hat is prettier too!” Monomi practically coos from the side.

“Well it doesn’t matter. Either way, we’re stealing it.” What’s important is that they’re taking this treasure with them regardless of their preferences. He tentatively reaches out for it—

Only to be pushed away by Bonnie.

“Ace, watch out!” She shouts and tackles him just in time before flames errupt from where he once stood.

“What the hell?” He coughs, accidentally having inhaled smoke. Suddenly the room felt all too hot.

Just as soon as the flames burst, they die out in an instant— along with the room’s lights. Suddenly, darkness swallows them.

“Did you really think it would be that easy?” The voice of Shadow Chisa creeps upon them. In the darkness, she could have well speaking through a megaphone beside them. “Do you think the way I treat my performers is cruel?” She chuckles eeriely and her hollow laughter echoes in the dark. “Well then let me show you how I treat thieves!”

With a snap of her fingers, the spotlights are on again.

Gone was the backstage room they were in. Now they were out in the performer’s ring, surrounded by bleachers filled with a crowd seemingly materialized out of nowhere. Shadow Chisa flicks her wrist and her whip cracks. The sharp sound summons a savage shadow that could pass off as a monstrous tiger. She sits on it as if it was her throne. It was a dangerous sight to behold. That was the least of their concerns at the moment. After all, the treasure was now beyond reach, and on top of Shadow Chisa’s head.

“My top hat is not some pretty thing to be simply stolen. It is a right to be earned. An honor that I earned,” She boasts high and mighty from her perch, looking down on them. “Only those who can perform the best shows have the right to wear this!”

She cracks her whip numerous times, each time a shadow comes forth.

“Watch and learn just how inexperienced you truly are without my guidance!”

Naturally they wouldn’t be able to take the treasure without a fight. This much they expected. They even managed to sweep off the first batch of shadows in just a few turns. But every time they defeat a shadow, Shadow Chisa simply cracks her whip and summons another, sometimes even more. They knew that in order to win this, they had to attack Shadow Chisa but she remains beyond the shield of shadows and out of reach. But that’s not even all of her tricks.

“Ugh!” Bonnie grits her teeth when a critical hit lands on her. She’s down on her knees, gasping.

The crowd roars. It isn’t just for show either since the enemies get buffs while the two of them get debuffs.

“Sorry… they got me off guard,” She slurs, already feeling her speed lowered.

“It happens. Just take care,” He answers curtly.

This isn’t working out. At this pace, they’ll end up exhausted and out of items before long. They have to change strategy, maybe aim elsewhere. Ace tries a different tactic and pulls out his dual pistols.

He fires at Shadow Chisa but she dodges with a flamboyant flip, mocking him. “Dammit!”

The crowd’s roar is even louder this time. The effects are instantaneous, perhaps even stronger.

“What the hell? Isn’t this a little unfair?!” He shouts in frustration as he feels his attack power leeched from him. He can barely hold his weapon with what little strength left in him.

“What did you expect when battling in this ring? We are all performers here. It’s our job to please the crowd, is it not?” Shadow Chisa taunts them with a malicious grin.

“Just give us the freaking hat already!” He barks at her as he narrowly dodges a shadow’s swipe. It’s sloppy and he knows that he can barely dodge another. These debuffs were hurting them more than the actual attacks.

“Wait, Ace. Maybe we’ve been doing this wrong,” Bonnie suddenly brings up when they were cornered.

“What? Did you figure something out?” He shoots her a desperate yet hopeful look.

She doesn’t disappoint. “It’s just as she said. Even though we are fighting, we’re also in the middle of a performance.” She gestures towards the crowd surrounding them. “Don’t you think we should show off our showmanship a bit more?”

…Show off?

Something clicked in the back of his head. That makes sense. That could actually work. That could turn the tables for them. “Oh… I think I get it now.” He nods at her, placing his full trust to her idea. “Alright, Bonnie. Show them how it’s done.”

“Blast off, Galaga!” She summons her persona but rather than using it to attack, she uses it in an improvised routine.

Bonnie latches on it and lets it take her to the highest point where she stays there for one dramatic moment longer. She lets go and falls head first. Her arms are crossed over her chest and her face is as peaceful as ever with her eyes closed. The crowd gasps at her bold move. She plummets fast towards the ground. Even Ace has to hold his breath. Just when there’s only several feet left, her eyes open. She flips herself upright and Galaga swoops in from beneath. She lands tall and proud.

The crowd goes wild. It has never been this loud and this time they were cheering for them.

“Alright! It looks like now’s our chance!” Ace triumphantly shouts, he feels stronger than ever.

From there, they regain their momentum. Aside from sending out Bonnie to do tricks, Ace found out that pulling off flashy moves or dodges had that same effect. For most part of the battle, they were the ones buffed rather than the shadows. It didn’t take long until Shadow Chisa finally ran out of shadow performers to summon.

“Enough!” Shadow Chisa growls at them. “You think that those cheap tricks are enough to best me? Truly the folly of amateurs. I’ll show you just how entertaining a performance should be!”

With another snap of her fingers, the spotlights converge towards Shadow Chisa, the light so intense that she could not be seen. From the blinding light, she bursts through transformed. Dark skin seething with fire, pointed horns portruding her head, and three pairs of arms each holding a flaming whip.

The crowd’s cheers are deafening.

“See? This is how you excite the crowd!” She gloats at them and the crowd goes ballistic. She looks down on them from her high perch and challenges them, “Now let me see how you top this!”

Her attacks were brutal. Six hands meant six attacks per turn and then there was that special tiger move. There’s also that annoying fact that she can do a trick before every turn of hers so all of her attacks are strengthened. But with Chiaki’s performance, they managed to get by somehow. She keeps coming up with impromptu routines that steal the show. Literally stealing the whips certainly helped, that was Ace’s favorite trick of hers.

All of them were exhausted at this point however against all odds, they were winning.

And it pissed off Shadow Chisa.

“You insolent brats. How dare you ruin my performance!”

“Give it up! You’re already out of tricks!” Ace jeers.

“The crowd loves us more so this is our win!” Bonnie shouts and as if on cue, the cognitive crowd cheers.

Shadow Chisa is not taking any of this.

“What kind of a ringmistress do you think I am? Of course I always save the best for last!” She barks, unwilling to accept defeat. She narrows her eyes at them. “Your last that is.”

They did not like the foreboding feeling that sentence held.

“Didn’t I tell you before that I’d make you jump through fates worse than rings of fire?” Six hands snap consecutively. Six large rings of fire encircle the two thieves from top to bottom. There’s no room for them to escape. “I like to call this one, Orange Flambete.”

She extends all of her arms and then swiftly brings them towards three pairs of claps.

Time slowed down at that point. Ace realized with all too much certainty what was happening. As her hands were getting closer and closer to contact, so were the flaming rings growing smaller and smaller around them. At some point they will undoubtedly get trapped and burned alive. No reflex or persona could save them. He chances a final glance at Bonnie, he recognizes the dreadful realization on her face. The same inescapable realization that mirrored his.

They were going to die.

He didn’t want to die.

He didn’t want her to die.

He didn’t sign up for this just to die.

Dying like this… Dying like this is…

Boring.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!” He clutches his head which feels like it was just set on fire. The pain scorches along his skull and his screams burn scars along his throat. He panics when he thinks that the flames have already gotten to him. Everything burns. Everything hurts. Everything dies. He doesn’t want to die. Not like this. Not a boring death like this.

But Ace eventually dies.

And so Blackjack is born.

Whatever remnant of Ace was had combusted into dark flames and replaced with someone else. His short brown spiky hair was now long ebony locks. His suit was replaced with a trench coat, his bowtie with a cravat, and his gloves were now dipped in red. His mask held a long beak and large clear lenses cover his eyes that glow red through. It was eerie, how different he carried himself. There was something unsettling about every fiber of this being.

Whereas Ace seemed full of life, Blackjack felt like death incarnate.

With a flick of his wrist, the flames instantly die out and in the next moment, the rings instantaneously crumble into dust. He didn’t even need to summon a persona. It’s as if he has complete control over everything simply by existing. If the Reaper exists then surely this person was Death himself.

The room falls into a reverant hush, even the crowd is uncharacteristically silent.

“What just happened?” Shadow Chisa asks, shocked but mostly annoyed.

His head slowly turns towards her, his eyes glow menacingly. Red is the color of blood.

Do shadows bleed?

Shadow Chisa feels her blood leave her body. She instantly fears for her life.

She doesn’t even get the chance to put her fear into action. She doesn’t even see what’s coming. In one swift movement, Blackjack has disarmed her of her weapons and her arms bend at all the wrong angles. “AAARGH!” She crumples helplessly with barely enough life left.

He calmly walks toward her as she tries to crawl away.

“G-Get back! Go away!” She shouts at him. She tries to snap her fingers but even those were broken without her knowing. She doesn’t bleed, not externally at least. But she doesn’t need to see the blood to know that she is dying.

And she will be killed faster.

So she pours what little remains of her life into desperate panic. She tries, and squirms, and crawls harder, as harder as her broken body can go.

Unfortunately for her, she doesn’t go that much farther. At least not enough to get away from the encroaching death.

He doesn’t hasten his walk, he doesn’t need to. In just a few languid strides, he reaches her. He stomps a foot on her chest, halting her movements. It weighs heavily on her like judgement. His heel digs into her, as if digging for a grave, her grave. Two guns are aimed at her head, loaded and ready to fire.

Two bullets, one for the kill and another for pity in case she survives the first one.

His expression is unshifting, unreadable, unfeeling.

He has yet to even say a single word.

It all happened so quickly that it had Bonnie reeling. She feels as if she was just watching some show, not really something happening in front of her. It was all too surreal. But the sight of Shadow Chisa on her dying breath snaps her right out of her reverie. Hajime or whoever that person is— is about to kill Shadow Chisa.

They came here to steal the treasure, not to kill the palace ruler.

She recovers on her feet and rushes towrds them. She thinks she sees him from her peripheral vision, curiously watching her every movement. But even so, he does not stop her. Not even when she was rushing in with desperate hurried steps. Not even when she abruptly pushes the guns away with trembling hands. Not even when she looked at him with a dead set determination.

He does not stop her. Instead he simply observes.

“That’s enough,” She starts off sternly. She may be out of breath but her resolve barely wavers. His face is still impassive but hers softens. As much as she wants to stop him, she also wants to show her gratitude. And so despite the situation, she smiles warmly.  "Thank you for saving me… us.”

“…” He observes.

“But I think we can handle it from here.“ She stands her ground even as he quietly regards her. There is no movement from him, not even the slightest twitch of fingers on the triggers. She holds her breath, her eyes never leaving his.

He is done observing.

”…“ There is the faintest flicker in his eyes or maybe that’s just the glint from the lenses. When he speaks, his voice is as empty as his eyes. "Hmph. How boring…”

She wanted to ask him what he meant by that. Boring? What exactly did he find boring? And who was he in the first place? How is he related to Hajime? What happened to Hajime? How did he even appear? And why… why do his eyes look so empty? These were only a few of the questions she had wanted to ask. She wanted to ask him but she never did get the chance.

Dark flames errupt from nowhere and consume him whole.

When the flames die, so does Blackjack.

And so Ace comes back.

He clutches his head which strangely felt like it had just been set on fire. He couldn’t tell if it was a migraine or a hangover or both. Probably both. Or maybe just something worse. Just what the hell hit him? Hot white flashes of pain scorch along his skull as he groans weakly, “Ugh, I can’t… Did I get a critical hit to the head or something?”

“I’ll explain later,” She calmly reassures him. “For now, let’s deal with this first.”

Shadow Chisa is already on her knees, face towards the floor, and begging. “I didn’t mean for it to get this far. I just wanted what’s best for my students. But somewhere along the way, I forgot what’s important.” Her body shakes as she cries. It’s hard to imagine that this was the same shadow that was hellbent on killing them before. But it’s easy to remember the sincerity their teacher used to show. “Please forgive me. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“I think there are others who deserve to hear that apology more than us,” Bonnie says as she gently pats her by the shoulders.

“Yeah, so long as you reflect on what you’ve done, there’s always hope for you.” Ace snatches the top hat from her, she doesn’t even fight for it.

With the treasure gone, the palace crumbles and so does her despairing desires.

“We’ll see your change of heart on the other side.”

That wasn’t the only thing they saw on the other side.

“What the?”

“What is it, Hajime?”

“Remember what Miss Yukizome’s treasure was?”

“A top hat… right?”

“Yeah, well about that…” He sucks in a breath, readying himself for delivering the news. “I can’t seem to find it.”

She tilts her head. “Did we drop it on our way out?”

“No, I’m pretty sure it was in here all the time and the zipper was closed so there was no way I could have dropped it.” He goes through the loot bag again but grumbles when he still can’t find it.

“Maybe I should look at it instead?” She offers.

“Okay. But be careful—”

She unceremoniously pours out the contents.

He sighs, tired. “Nevermind. Just go do your thing.”

She sifts through the various valuables they collected and makes a note of each one in her mind. Nothing else seems to be out of place, all the other loot is still here. Except for the top hat. But there was something there that wasn’t there before. “Huh? What’s this doing here?”

She holds up the strangely misplaced item.

“Hey, isn’t that your class picture?” Hajime comments as he looks over her shoulder.

“Yeah, it is,” She confirms with a fond expression.

“I wonder, how did that get in there?”

“Maybe this was the treasure all along…” She whispers.

“Huh?”

“I think that Miss Yukizome, in her own way, was just trying to protect everyone.” She examines the photo closely and takes note of its pristine condition, as if it had been conscientiously cared for. This only confirms her suspicions. “After all, this was her treasure, right? Her intention was good but somewhere along the way, her methods turned bad.”

“I guess so. I mean she’s a kind person at heart.” He almost winces at his choice of words considering she also possessed a despairing heart. But they both knew what he meant. Their teacher was truly a kind and caring person. “That’s why it was so shocking at how despairing her desires were. It didn’t feel right. Especially not with her.”

“I get the same feeling too. Her methods were too extreme. And it’s not like her to think such dark thoughts.” She places the photo down as she contemplates further. “What if… What if someone else had implanted them?”

He raises an eyebrow at the idea. “You think so?”

“I’m not sure… It’s just a theory,” She falters.

“It’s… plausible I guess.” He nods as he develops it further. “I mean if we could go into the cognitive world and change hearts then who’s to say that there isn’t someone else out there distorting other people’s hearts?”

“It’s certainly better to think that Miss Yukizome’s actions were caused by someone else but…” She hesitates a bit for she concludes, “That would imply that there is someone else out there.”

“And that person is still out there,” He finishes.

It’s not a happy theory.

But it’s something that they can’t look away from.

“If there is such a person then I want to find them,” Chiaki announces with a face set with determination. “We can’t just let them wreak havoc. All they’re doing is spreading suffering. We have to stop them.”

“I agree. Besides, who knows who else they might have changed hearts? Depending on the person, we could be facing a crisis if we don’t do anything about this,” Hajime seconds her conviction. “We have to make sure. Once we know, we will find them. And we will steal their despairing heart as well.”

They may have stolen the despairing heart of their teacher but this was just the first of the many heists of The Dangan Thieves of Hope.

[kayvsworld]

Could u convince be not to hate Steve 'Hypocrite' Rogers? I'm really trying not to hate him but whnever I think about anything to do with him I just get even angrier at him. MCU Steve is a repentless fuck up and I wanna know what u have to say about him? U don't seem like u hate him and u also love Tony so I figure u probably see stuff I'm not seeing and I wanna know what ;u; (mostly so I can stomach stony fics to widen my range of reading material) :p

steve rogers is a stubborn emotionally-constipated asshole. i also love him very very much. here are some post-cacw thoughts on why i still love him:

flawed characters are good, and the only reason we expect Perfection from This Particular Human Character is bc other people (and…the narrative….) put him on a pedestal. I can’t be mad at him for doing what he thought was the right thing, because as a fan of tony stark, i know that sometimes things that seem like a good idea at the time are maybe actually not always that great

issue: banking on the fact that your rich genius teammate and his team of lawyers will still get you and your friend out of a bad situation After you let him know that the friend in question murdered his parents a week before christmas and that you’ve lived in his house and looked him in the eye while Knowing Abt This for several goddamn years is uh. a v scary situation and potentially a bad plan for 19 reasons. prioritize the people you know are ride or die & cut ur losses

some people are emotionally constipated assholes who do their best and fail miserably,,,,To Cope™

ok but seriously have you ever had 6.3 billion Terrible Things happen to you in rapid succession, and then One More Thing comes along (to take away the only remaining thing in your life you can control and the only semblance of normalcy you have left) and you just. dig your heels in automatically and go “absolutely fucking not”

like i will personally bet you 5 canadian dollars that steve has been crossing his arms and glaring at the tv for months like “listen what else do they want us to do. we’re helping. we’re the good guys. they Have To See That we’re good people and we’re doing our best and we saved the world Come On if we just wait…maybe…….it will…..Be Fine without us having to do anything? maybe?” 

he’s been fighting to keep People™ safe for a While and it’s Apparently still not enough and he is probably tired and bitter and frustrated. also, last time he was working for/with a third party they turned out to be nazis and while i get that that 100% isn’t the same as a UN Panel (noT THE SAME, STEVEN) at some point you have to take a quote out of context, plant urself like a stubborn asshole tree, and say “actually no fuck you please just let me do the only thing that is giving my life meaning right now in a way that doesn’t make me feel trapped and afraid for myself and my team”

peggy (steve’s last connection to his life before waking up in the future) had just died, and bucky (steve’s surprise Actual last connection to his life before waking up in the future) has been having a Hell Time and is being targeted. sometimes when you find out your best friend has been brainwashed and tortured for 70 years, your bullshit meter maxes out and you (steve rogers, “fight me” personified) want to give the finger to anyone who wants to do absolutely else to that person. yes, getting him help was an option (the other option being some kind of prison?) but also, it still would have been someone else making that choice for bucky, and at some point yelling “can you please just leave him alone” with ur fists becomes a default reaction

as someone who regularly avoids things when i should really deal with them, i 100% believe that there is a large part of steve that genuinely thought he was protecting tony. sure, he was protecting himself and bucky, too, and he admits that openly, but i can buy that steve had been sitting on the couch for months listening to tony talk about Processing His Grief Through Technology and screaming internally like “would it truly and genuinely make it easier on this guy to know that his parents were brutally murdered by my friend and i’ve known abt it for 2 years when he’s still this messed up over it already oh my god”

the problems i have with a lot of steve’s choices really just come down to the film not giving him room to put up a legit argument. a lot of it was banking on me assuming that captain america & the team were correct bc they’re cap & the team in a captain america movie? if they had given steve a speech instead of a shitty letter, i’m sure i would have initially understood his side a lot better

some people are emotionally constipated assholes who do their best and fail miserably,,,,To Cope™ Part 2: The Letter

steve is not great at feelings. steve is not great at processing and expressing his feelings in a healthy way. steve is an all-or-nothing prickly bitch (see: every film he’s been in) and taking these excellent canon facts into account, i do actually genuinely believe that this dude forced himself to sit down while in hiding to write 12 different drafts of this letter by hand in cursive and eventually ended up with the monstrosity tony received

he can’t apologize for the accords situation, because he doesn’t think he’s wrong, so he can only apologize for hurting tony. “i’m not sorry for what i did but i’m sorry that it hurt you” is a shitty thing to read and say but i guess at least,,,he,,,was honest? steven why didn’t you get a friend to proofread this letter

by saying that the avengers are more tony’s family than his, he probably thinks he’s acknowledging that tony cares about them and was doing what he thought was best. im personally for my own sanity choosing to believe that.

“i’ve never really fit in” aka “okay i definitely didn’t talk enough about where i was coming from at all for the past few…..years….and this was the only draft that included my ‘i’ve been lowkey struggling’ admission and didn’t sound vaguely pathetic or directly mention my friend who involuntarily murdered your parents” 

this entire thing is actually imo a fairly decent “listen i know things are really messy right now and i hurt you and we’re both still upset, but here’s some effort on my part. if you ever need anything, here’s how you can contact me & i promise i will still drop everything to come help you with what you need” gesture considering the situation & time frame

anyway, steve for sure messed up with his approach to this and put a lot of people in danger, but as someone who is a fan of tony stark i have to take The Context into consideration and also understand that sometimes people do questionable things even while having the best intentions. it was a really rough situation and i think mr evans did a great job of showing steve emotionally shutting down and struggling for the past few films? i can see where he was coming from from an emotional standpoint, & bc of these and 130 other reach-y reasons including me just enjoying him as a person, i forgive him. it’s 2:30am this is so long oh my god

[amythecinnabunny]

Apartment 42 -- A BuckyNat AU

Master and rival assassins unknowingly live together for almost a year, making sure their real jobs remain a secret from each other and everyone around them.

Chapter 11

"I never told you because I was afraid of this. I knew you were the Widow a week before Christmas at least. I thought about telling you every day, but I was sure youd react horribly and I'd lose you." 

Natalia hugged herself and looked up at James. "You mentioned nightmares . . . what were they about?"

"You," James said, "you dying. Various ways. All very terrible, very traumatising. Josef, the one that attacked us on Christmas eve, he features in a lot of them." 

"How do I die? In your nightmares."

James shrugged. "Oh, you know . . . impaled, beheaded, shot in the head, shot in the heart, stabbed in the heart, ambush, rain of bullets from Hydra agents, starved, tortured, the works." 

Natalia's eyebrows rose. "Any of them have your hand in it?" 

"One," James admitted. He frowned at the carpet of Natalia's current bedroom. "Hydra can do this . . . thing. I'm not sure what it is. It's new. I don't remember what happens in between. I hear some agents talking. Says it turns me into a machine, obeying every order. They call it effective. Really bad nights are the ones where they use it and I come back to your dead body. I never know what happened, but I know I did it. It -- it -- sometimes it's really bad. Sometimes it's a clean shot. Sometimes you're covered in bruises. I -- I don't want to talk about it." 

Natalia walked up to James and took his hands in hers. "Don't. Just . . . do you love me? Do you really love me?" 

James tightened his hands around hers. "More than anything or anyone I've ever known."

"How much?" 

James offered her a small smile. "Completely, doll." 

Natalia watched him carefully. "I want to believe you but I know myself, and I know that I would lie to me. I don't know."

"I don't expect you to, doll, I just need to let you know that I stopped chasing the Widow the day I met you outside our apartment. I only realised it that night. I just need you to know that you're what I'm going to miss. One way or another, this is going to end. Either I succeed, or you succeed. But either way, we won't get to stay here. When Hydra takes me back, you're what I'm going to miss. You, with your bright smile, your twinkling eyes, your infectious laugh. You and your annoying habit of being unable to remember where anything goes, that horrified face you make when you taste your own cooking, the fact that your bras somehow manage to hang from the top of the fridge and finding heels in the freezer, that stupid face you make everytime I suggest cleaning the apartment, when you curse under your breath in Russian and you think I can't hear, the fact that you hate the toothpaste I buy, when you want attention and you'll do anything to get it, those little ballet moves you subconsciously do when you actually get cleaning --" 

Natalia shut him up quickly by lifting up on tiptoes and briefly brushing her lips over his. She leaned against him, using his arms for support as she stayed balancing on her toes. "Love me," she whispered.

"How much?" James asked without hesitation. 

"Completely," she said, silently daring him to deny her.

///////////////

"I see the two of you have ironed things out," Ana commented when James joined them at breakfast in the courtyard.

"At least you didn't have to hear them ironing until three in the morning," Maria grumbled, snapping her toast in half. 

James hid his face behind a mug while Natalia pretended like she hadn't just choked on her coffee. 

"I only got back with Howard at one," Natalia said, turning her nose up, "your husband is to blame for how late it was." 

"Oh?" Maria said, raising an eyebrow. "Am I to assume that the two of you wouldn't have been slamming the ironing board against the wall if Howard had come home earlier?"

"We would've done it in our own apartment," James muttered.

Anthony cleared his throat. "Can we please not discuss your sex life in front of my oats?" 

"Sorry, darling," Natalia said, "but this is all on your mother." 

"Tallie!"

"What? You started with me!" 

James laughed softly and pulled her closer, chair and all, to kiss her cheek. "You're so childish, doll." 

Anthony rolled his eyes. "You watch too many old movies, Uncle Jamie. Who even calls other people 'doll' anymore?"

"Why not?" James asked, grinning.

"It sounds so . . . blergh. Like I just imagine one of those porcelain creeps with Aunt Tal's face on them. Eugh." 

"Anthony Edward Stark, did you just subtly call me ugly?" 

"What? No!" 

"Besides," James said, "I've barely seen any movies, let alone old ones." 

"No, I don't mean old black-and-white stuff. I mean like, movies set in like really old times. Like that stupid World War 2 romance movie where that soldier got drafted and in all his letters home, he called that girl 'doll' and then when he got back, he realised he forgot her name. . ."

While Anthony rambled on about the movie that truthfully sounded like she would have seen it, Peggy's mind drifted. There was something nagging her. She just couldn't put her finger on it. It bugged her the entire day, as well as the next.

///////////////

"Jamie! Hello, love!" 

"Evening, Peggy," James said, leaving Ana to greet Peggy. "All good?"

"Yes, why?" 

"You're . . . bouncing. You never bounce. Uh, is Natalia back yet?" 

Peggy's eyebrows lifted, as if she'd just realised something. "No! They're still out. Howard's got something big going on at work these days so he spends a lot of time there. Anyway, come with me. I've got something I want to ask you." 

"No problem," James said, offering Pegyy his arm.

"Why, thank you, Sergeant Barnes." 

She hadn't called him that since the day they'd met in the hospital and James had almost forgotten he reminded Peggy of someone in her past. Still, he didn't call attention to it. People made mistakes all the time.

Peggy walked until they were in Howard's study where she was sure they wouldn't be disturbed. "Jamie, I want to know a few things from you." 

"Uh, sure. What's up?"

"What's your full name?"

James laughed slightly, grinning until he realised Peggy was serious. "James Buchanan Barnes. Why?"

"What is the name of the person you know best and what is the name of the person who knows the most about you?"

"Oh, that's easy, they're both Natalia." 

"Jamie, do you even know your birthday?" 

"Yeah. It's tenth March." 

Peggy stepped closer to James. "What year?" she asked softly. "In what year were you born?"

"Peg, what's going on with you?"

"You don't know, do you?"

"Of course I know! It's nineteen--! Uh. . ."

Peggy stared at James for a second. "Seventeen. You were born in 1917, Jamie. You served in the war. You died in the war. Your best friend was Steve Rogers. You had three little sisters and you all lived with your parents. You and your family was all Steve had. You . . . you were my best friend too." 

James stared at Peggy. "You're joking. You're making it up."

"Why would I make this up, Jamie? Do you really think I'm that desperate to have something to hold on to from some of the best days in my life?" 

"Peg . . . it doesn't make sense. Look at you! Look at me! I don't look anything near your age!"

"I don't know how it happened, Jamie, but I know that once upon a time, you used to be Bucky Barnes. You used to braid my hair, you used to make the best tea I ever had, you used to always say that you'd bring me home so the girls could meet their older sister, you said we would all make it out of the war, you said you would help Howard with that stupid car, you said you were gonna get me married to Steve, you said so many things and then you went and DIED!"

James just managed to dodge Peggy's left hook. 

"Peggy Carter, what is wrong with you?!"

"You promised you'd help us win the war and we had to do it without you!" 

"That wasn't me, Peggy!" 

"Bullshit, Barnes! What's stopping you from remembering me?"

James's jaw dropped. "My memory is the biggest problem you have with this theory of yours?! If I'm really your best friend, I should be looking like you!"

"Theory?!" Peggy cried, "I know you're Bucky and I pray that it's not too late when you remember!"

///////////////

Peggy's outburst sat on James's mind for days.

"What's on your mind, darling?" Natalia asked one afternoon, leaning over James's shoulder to steal a few fries.

"Nothing, doll," James lied, smiling and snatching one of the fries from her hand with his mouth. "Stop stealing my food." 

Natalia rolled her eyes and grabbed two more before sitting across James. "Don't lie to me, darling, you're not that good at it."

James debated lying again, but decided she was right. Once she'd looked past the Winter Soldier, she stopped being blind to all his little lies too. Not that the reverse wasn't true. 

"Hydra wants you." 

Natalia froze with her hand over the fries. "What?" 

"Hydra wants me to recruit you." 

"You can't recruit me. I'm Red Room!"

"Try telling that to Karpov. He's a bitch when he wants to be." 

Natalia rolled her eyes. "Maybe he and Barkova are siblings."

"Barkova?"

"Madame B, her name is Vladimira Barkova. Didn't you know?"

"No. Should I have?"

Natalia shrugged. "Maybe not. Anyway, how would Hydra even manage that? Madame B doesn't let her students and agents go that easy." 

"Well, Karpov never explained that bit, but I'm pretty sure he's not talking about getting Madame's permission for this."

Natalia pulled her hand back and slumped into a normal seated position in her chair. "Hydra wants me to ditch the Red Room," she said, "as if I were trying to escape." 

James nodded. "I believe so. There are numerous ways we could do that and I'm sure you've run through them all already, knowing that none would work but. . ."

"James, are you actually considering this?" 

"Yes, Natalia. I am. Because I don't want to spend the rest of my life running, looking over my shoulder. I don't want that for me and I sure as hell don't want it for you. Do you think things have gotten better because we know about each other? No! It's probably gotten worse! Because when this is over, Hydra's going to take me back and wipe my memory. I won't remember you. I won't be able to miss you. And worst of all, I'll hate you all over again! I won't remember loving you! And you! You won't get that luxury. You'll have to see me hating you while remembering a time when I loved you! Knowing you, you'd stand your ground and you'd let me shoot you! Because I know me, and I know I'd rather die trying to save you than fight you to survive. If we do this," James had stood up and now leaned on the table, palms on either side of his forgotten food, "there is a chance that won't happen. There's a chance at a life for us. We'd be partners. We'd be together. Hydra isn't saving us, but it would protect you from the Red Room." 

Natalia blinked very slowly. "I can't kill Howard," she whispered, "I can't do that to them." 

"You don't have to do it. You just have to let me." 

"I can't -- I can't let you kill Howard. I -- he's my mission!" 

"And mine." 

Natalia shook her head, trying to find her footing in this whole disaster. 

"And one way or another, doll, one of us is going to have to lose this mission."

prev || next

Masterpost

[caeslxys]

tagged by: @emis!! Thank you this was so much fun I love this stuff

tagging: @fullmetal-the-last-alchemist @arohunk anddd anyone else that’d like to do it I guess!

appearance: 
- I don’t have any pictures of myself on here yet but I actually plan on posting some later so I’ll link them then! - OH and I have red hair and brown eyes bc thinking now those pics are black and white so there’s that 


personality: -Ahh I’ve been told I’m bubbly and nice and really really sarcastic so like my sense of humor can make me sound mean but You’d Be Fooled bc actually I am one of those people that Cannot Say No or Be Outwardly Mean To People Ever. -There are very very little ways to make me dislike you in anyway so if I have a problem w u it’s probably justified tbh 


ability:
 - drawing and writing!! Hopefully 
- I can both stay up till 6 am and sleep til 8 and be perfectly functioning of go to sleep at 6 pm and not wake up until 2 pm the following day and not know wtf is going on - Hand puns. Living w/o a right hand gives you hand jokes For Days and I am both hated and loved for it 


hobbies:
 - Writing and singing and stuff 
 - NAPS 
- Video games (generally stuff like ffxv or legend of Zelda!!) 


experiences: 
- I haven’t really done anything?? I am a Poor Nugget that has lived in the middle of nowhere for most of my life so not much to do 
- I did however get into an art school!! So I’m having a lot of fun w that! - Speaking of art school, I tried to form an animation club thing last year that worked for the most part if the people weren’t lazy and actually cared :// might try and start it back up bc we had some very good story concepts 


relationships: 
- MY FRIENDS R GREAT!! 
 -I don’t have a lot of irl friends tbh..,but the handful I do have I love w my whole heart–I also did a hit of a social media cleansing three or so years ago so ppl I talked to online back then I don’t talk to anymore so I’m out here trying to form more friendships tbh 
- I am entire salty single Pringle 


my life: 
- I am both somehow never asleep and never awake?? 
 - i have played softball from the tender age of since I was born. (There’s a picture of like 3 month old me holding a baby bat I swear) 
- i haven’t ever had a job both bc i live in Mississippi and there’s Nothing and bc my school days go from 7 to 5 so i have no time 
 - My friends and I try and go out to eat like once a week just to hang bc last year we had basically the same schedule and now none of us see each other in class so we’re trying our hardest 


random shit: 
- I injured my left knee playing softball three years ago but never got it treated so I’m just Suffering - my right arm is Fucked, basically. Bends weird and shit and also is constantly in pain but like it makes for good jokes and stories of overcoming my inability to hold a mass amount of objects at once - I made up my first character and drafted my first story when I was ten and I have been working on that same story and characters since (7 years!!! Going on 8 that’s crazy I love my kids!!) 
 - My fave characters are the ones who were WRITTEN to be these tortured souls like their back stories are awful their family was murdered they ran away they’ve been hated all their life but they take all of that hatred and bigotry and instead love people. Like. They learned from their darkness how to be light. Those are my fave characters

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Not Vibing + Nostalgia | Doing the Write Thing #47

Dudes. My writing life has just been so weird lately.

I’m not really vibing with this book right now. I don't know why. Kind of a bummer, but it happens. That’s okay. The important part is, I’ve been writing. Though to put it out there, I’m in an editing + outlining mood. Not a drafting mood. Does anyone else feel that way too sometimes? I mean, editing and outlining are still SO important, but for some reason, my stubborn brain refuses to believe I’m being productive if I’m not writing. Even if I’m outlining a million chapters a day, I still can’t feel content with my productivity. It’s weird. But yeah, anyway. Not vibing with you, FOSTERED #5. Not vibing.

THAT’S OKAY THOUGH.

Don’t know if I’m going to have much time to vibe beyond today and tomorrow because GUESS WHO’S DRIVING FROM TORONTO TO PENNSYLVANIA THURSDAY TO SEE PRECIOUS KID.

(when ur brother took that photo cuz both ur brothers already met the band for u because ur brothers happened to be on tour in California cuz ur brothers happen to be in a band, and also didn't happen to have a show that day so they drove like 2 hours just to meet the band for u and ur sister cuz ur brothers are great even tho like don't tell ur brothers cuz ew brothers.)

(when u made that poster Justine [middle] is holding with ur sister [u did the lettering] and ur brothers got the band to sign copies for u ur sister and ur best friend and they do and r like the sweetest people ever)

(when u find out precious kid is having a show in Pennsylvania and even tho its a 7 hour drive ur brothers and mom decide to take u becuz u have the best family ever)

Also, going to Mexico from next Monday to Friday with the family. So my life looks like this:

Thursday: wake up really early and drive all the way to Pennsylvania. Watch Precious Kid show. Faint.

Also Thursday: drive to grandparents’ house and sleep there.

Friday: drive all the way back home.

Saturday: RELAXXXXX

Sunday: Pack. Also. Don’t panic. You’re going on a plane. But don’t panic.

(this is going to be really hard lol.)

(I’ll try)

(I’ve gone on a plane before no problem)

(Except now I’ve got anxiety (TM))

(rip)

Monday: Get up at like 2AM (so basically just don’t sleep the night before), go to airport, get on plane, go to Mexico.

Rest of the week: Enjoy Mexico fams.

Friday (or whenever we come back I don't know things I just go as things go): hello back home Toronto school starts soon BUT ALSO YOU’RE SEEING SURF CURSE IN LIKE 10 DAYS AND MAYBE GET TO MEET THEM AND ALSO DAUGHTER RELEASES A 13 SONG ALBUM TWO DAYS LATER.

HONESTLY JUST FREAKING LIVE YOUR LIFE BECAUSE LOOK AT ALL THE AWESOME SHIT THAT HAPPENS.

Anyway onto the update.

Daily word count goal: 250

Words written: 789

Total word count: 120 981

Total page count: 219

Songs played: SO I don't think I wrote with music, but I have a couple things to say in regards to music.

Like I mentioned one of my ALL TIME favourite bands (right behind The Strokes, like SO close behind The Strokes sort of) Daughter, is releasing a new album on September 1st. I about died. I talked to @sssoto​ about this after noticing they posted an ominous uncaptioned photo yesterday, and I can’t believe it actually happened.

It’s actually a score to the new Life Is Strange video game, but GUYS. Daughter just released their second album at the very start of 2016, and I don't think anyone was expecting them to release something so huge so soon. I’ve been screaming all day because of this news if you know what I mean. ;)

So punny.

They released one of the songs off the album today called Burn It Down, and I’m just going to leave it here because I'm afraid I’ll just type in all caps like OMG GUYZ ITS SO GOODZ so to avoid embarrassing myself:

The lyrics are absolutely amazing. I adore everything Daughter because Elena writes every lyric with such care and has such amazing word choice. Honestly look at me being a writer commenting on word choice in lyrics. ;) I can’t help it. She’s honestly an amazing lyricist.

Here’s some of my faves from the song:

Always said I was a good kid Always said I had a way with words Never knew I could be speechless Don't know how I'll ever break this

And there’s:

Now the world is only white noise Frequencies that I can't understand

NOW THE WORLD IS ONLY WHITE NOISE LIKE WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT.

(See what I mean. She writes with so much care but it doesn't seem forced. Writing goals. Also so sorry if Igor or Remi or someone else also penned these lyrics as well, lol. I love you too.)

I'll set fire to the whole place I don't even care about our house

!!!!!!!

So I got a little carried away there. Daughter is greatness.

Let’s just get carried away more, shall we?

So Surf Curse released their second album Nothing Yet this year. I’m a chronological music listener, so if I like a band, I have to like them A LOT because I buy every album and listen to them in order. I’m not a single song listener. Like, there are so many single songs I love from other bands but I’m such an awful music listener, I won’t listen to them until I fall in love. Basically, any band I listen to is a favourite band.

(I’m so sorry, I’d love music recs though if you have any. I genuinely do love when people do that. :) I apologize for my weird music habits though. Genuinely don't know what’s up with that, lol.)

My point was, I finally got Nothing Yet. My sister, best friend and I (with my brotherz cuz lol) are going to see them, and obviously they’re going to play songs from this album. I’ll admit, this album doesn't have the classic ‘Surf Curse’ sound, but I’m so down for Nothing Yet.

Nothing Yet is a lot more indie than punk but aaaaahahhahaha guess who’s living for it.

Favourite songs so far (I’ve only listened to it once full through since I just got it but): Falling Apart, All Is Lost, Nostalgia, Sleeping, and Christine F.

This isn’t related at all to my writing session tonight but.

Things to know: I’m not having as much fun as I should be? I’m writing a Lonan Clark Interrogation Scene (TM) [they’ve happened so many times because this boy is such a savage at this point they’re like recurring episodes looooool], but eh. Content is fine, but I’m not vibing. You catch my drift? Did I just say catch my drift.

How I felt: Is it terrible if I say bored. Sorry Lonan. dkm. (This is a me thing. It’s literally a great scene, and I’m just sitting there like yahhhhh no.)

Bad haiku to describe writing session: Boredom is not good / Especially when the scene / Is kinda good yeah

Rating of writing session out of 10 and why: 6.5 because of the above :(

On a scale from 1-10 my level of stoked-ness is: also a 6.5

Lyrics to describe writing session: He wants it easy; he want it relaxed / Said I can do a lot of things, but I can't do that / Two steps forward, then three steps back

--The End Has No End, The Strokes (Room On Fire)

I can promise you I’ve used these lyrics before but honestly me. I want it easyyyyyyyy I want it relaxed said I can do a lot of things but I can’t do thaaaaaaaat.

GIF to describe writing session:

*AND THAT OVER THERE IS RACHEL’S MOTIVATION FLOATING FAR, FAR AWAY!*

Thank you Julian. You always believe in me.

Excerpt:

How about some savage Lonan dialogue.

“I really have to tell you the truth?”

“Unless you want your brain matter to paint a Picasso on the wall behind you, I’d suggest so.”

(lonan is the second person)

(I should make that clear but I don't really need to cuz I have tags before this + context but)

“This could take as little as a half hour if you stick to the facts and stop with your bullshit, but seeming as though doing so is impossible for you, I’ll settle for two hours. Understood?”

honestly is he talking to me in this last one. because this scene could literally take me as little as a half hour if I stuck to the facts and stopped with my bullshit but it seems as though doing so is impossible for me so I’m settling for two.

(We all have off days. It’s okay.)

(It’s funny though because I don’t really have writer’s block. I know exactly what needs to happen but every time I try to write I'm like oh this is torture what are words.)

(This happened yesterday too. When I re-read what I wrote, it was fine, but it’s taking a long time to put together! Which is fine. Honestly, that happens sometimes. :))

So that’s it for the writing update! That’s actually not it though! So before I really started blogging, a few really special people in my life did some really amazingly sweet things for the FOSTERED books (+ I’M DISAPPOINTED), and I wanted to stroll down memory lane and talk about it.

EDIT: So I just took 3 hours to find all of these images. I had to scroll through my Instagram which has over 2000 photos on it... Like sometimes I wish I could go back and tell my 12 year old self that literally no one cares but alas. I’ve blurred all handles etc out because my (and everyone else mentioned here) Instagram is private, sooo that’s exclusive to friends and family.

Without further ado, I bring to you, NOSTALGIA. To preface, these were all from 2014/2015. So no judgements. lol. Excuse how lame I am in these captions. Honestly. Also: I hope this doesn't come across like I’m boasting about things people have done for me as that’s not what I’m intending at all. I just want to share the love and kind of thank the people who did all this stuff for me one more time because honestly, every single thing I received genuinely touched me, and everything I receive now continues to touch me. It makes me really happy thinking about all this stuff, so I thought I’d share the good vibes. :)

1. I’M DISAPPOINTED cast fanart

So @sarahkelsiwrites​ drew these guys for me in 2015. I mean let’s just give a shout out to Ben. (Her art doesn't look like this anymore lol. So sorry Sarah.)

2. My first Twitter banner

Do I need to explain this one.

Also, that ain’t my handle anymore wut kind of.

(i’m now @ rachellwrites)

(but I don't use my twitter for anything besides reblogging precious kid tweets so there’s a warning)

3. Ashley’s Foster comment legacy + Sarah and quinoa

I mean. Sarah’s profile picture was legit an avatar she made of Harrison through an app or something.

4. Fetus Loner angst tho I didn't know he was angsty

It’s almost three years later and The Emotional Loner Chronicles is now running its 12th million season ft melancholy and angst

5. Ashley’s Foster comment legacy lives on

6. Fosever foreverrrrr

Sarah made me this really awesome plastic thing with perler beads to commemorate Fosever (MC + love interest aka foster + reeve) and I can’t get over how cool this thing is... It’s been a while (like a year) since I’ve seen it, but it’s lying around somewhere, and it’s incredibly cool. It actually attaches together. Thanks @sarahkelsiwrites!​

7. @sarahkelsiwrites​‘ early Reeve fanart

sarah’s going to kill me for putting this on here lol. Honestly though at the time I literally freaked. She drew it for me when she was at home sick, and it’s just so thoughtful and adorable lol.

8. Ashley’s cliffolution

@imdisappointed​ (Ashley) is the best best friend I could ask for. Bah.

9. Making paper cranes with Ashley

Ashley was actually the one who helped me make all the paper cranes on the newer edition of the FOSTERED books. She posted this when we were done, and I still can’t stop laughing.

10. I’M DISAPPOINTED love

this is just so sweet, lol. bah.

11. Clifford fanart by Sarah + caption

Sarah drew this portrait of Clifford a very long time ago, but it still remains one of my favourite things ever.

12. Sarah and Lonan clash heads a lot 

Do I need to explain this one other than the fact that @sarahkelsiwrites​ literally calls the FOSTERED books Harrison Palooza.

13. The Harrison Chair

Here’s a really cringy old excerpt from book three that explains why Sarah posted about a chair in a hotel room ignore the literal terrible writing :

“She’s in Texas?” I blurt, turning around on the spinning chair. Harrison stares at me for another second like he’s contemplating some evil plan, walks up to me, lifts me out of the chair, sets me on the bed, then takes a seat in it himself. “Oh yeah…” he mumbles. “So much fucking better…” “Harrison!”   “Jesus, this is so much fucking better…” he moans, rubbing a hand over his face. “What the hell was that for?” I growl, crossing my arms over my chest, cocking an eyebrow up at him. He sighs before deflating completely in the chair, answering me with his eyes closed. “For sitting your fat ass in my chair.” He grumbles, soon demanding Foster go turn on the coffee machine.

I talked to her about this recently, and apparently she still gets mad over this. Oh boy.

14. Lonan and his Quest bars

This is actually my own comment but I’m sharing because this is just too good.

15. I don't even know what’s going on but Harrison.

@sarahkelsiwrites and her pro Harrison edits. I just love the font choice in this.

16. Sarah makes Reeve a birthday cake

This was so cute, and I actually forgot this happened until I found this post again super recently!

17. Cousin retrieves a cup with the word Foster just to show me

This was years ago, but I think it’s just really adorable? I think it’s so sweet that she went out of her way to get it. Honestly. I can’t gush because I’m just eklsblwkanelfkn feelings.

18. Ris cover from the trash

This picture was actually what pushed me to make this post because my cousin and I just talked about this a few days ago! She told me she looked through the trash for weeks to find this thing because it looked like it said RIS and lol honestly I just... That’s so funny and thoughtful and plain adorable cuz I know I wouldn’t search through the trash for Harrison (leave him where he belongssss), but she did and that’s just bahhhh. So thank you Becca. for literally going out of your way to retrieve two pieces of trash with my characters’ names on it because if that isn’t their aesthetic, I don’t know what is.

19. Sarah’s emojis

lol. I cri.

20. Greek god.

I can’t help but laugh so hard every time I see this. HAHAHAHAHA.

So that’s it! I talked about birthday cakes etc, before, so I didn’t include them in this round. But honestly, all of these things mean so much to me... I wish I could project my gratitude a little more eloquently, but I’m so happy these three wonderful people are in my life, and thought of my book and liked it enough to take their own time to make things for it.

Most of this was all a couple years ago, like I mentioned, but I still love all of these things now. Thanks so much for letting me share them with you! I hope you guys enjoyed this post. :) I’ll see you in the next one!

--Rachel

[humanauction]

chapter draft - R (digitisation of youth)

R - disenfranchised middle-class youth

people, they say this new lot, these kids, are many things:

narcissistic selfish can’t focus disconnected hard to control entitled nihilistic lazy no accountability

it’s got to a stage now, that the people in charge - those people - have actually started asking them what they might want. seems a lot like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted, but whatever.

to the kids, they ask:

“so what do you want?”

and these new lot they say all sorts of things:

we want to be heard we want to have a job that means something we want to make a difference we want to leave our mark on the world

and…

we want meetings on tiny chairlifts (google) we want fruit and macha tea, barista coffee for free. (zoopla) we want inclusive gym memberships (find company) and we want monthly staff prize giveaways (apple) we want fitbits (target) iPads! cereal! BREAKFAST-LUNCH-AND-MOTHERFUCKING-DINNER!!!

and so they get it. but they still aren't happy. they never use hardly any of it. but they do make sure people. all the people. their friends, fans, followers. all of those people.

:-)

sooooo lucky, babe

and this makes the kids feel.

lets break this one down for a second. what can be blamed, now that the time for blame has well and truly elapsed? you can still try it, but whats the point? most of your torturers will be dead soon if they aren't already. so anyway, coming from a blame-based culture of email accountability what have we got:

i. technology 2 - nurture C) nature IV = AAA

technology

Facebook. it has a lot to answer for. twitter, too. instagram, reddit, snapchat, VK, vine, youtube… all of them. enablers that they are. because technology has skewed the kids minds and everything they do is uploaded. everything. clever or stupid, bad or good. there forever. even if you think you deleted it. uploaded and photoshopped. because even though these kids are keen for everyone to know they are definitely having fun, the most important part becomes the enhancements. masks are added, things get rubbed out and smoothed down, everything gets a cool looking filter with a anonym. so even when having fun, the fun still needs to be improved upon before sharing it with the world for their approval. everything:

what they eat; what they wear; where they go; who is there; what makeup; cars they saw; buildings they passed.

go to a fireworks display sometime. don't take your phone. instead just look around. try to count the people just enjoying the display. then try to count all the people busily recording or streaming it for upload. all these uploads, they would be fine if they were examples of your daily happy life, but the overwhelming truth is that most of these kids, they make it look amazing but inside they don't know who they are and they are weak and they are cowardly. and yet to the rest of the world they are confidence incarnate. someone, anyone, has a question or a problem and immediately, out of nowhere:

Andreas messaged you; je$$ie commented on you link; tom messaged you; doug28 messaged you; Leon messaged you; Melinda Hart messaged you; hotdog24 messaged you; messaged you; messaged you; messaged you; messaged you…

and it goes on. and on. and hundreds of people “like” your sad, existential, question, even though this is the only genuine, honest, question anyone has asked in months. and all these scared little weak cowardly children who know nothing, you know what they say?

they tell you EXACTLY what you should be doing. no questions, no doubt. they KNOW everything about what you need to do. they simultaneously search google - with its very limited menu of results - and type comments. they copy the words of some sadu from india, or a woman respected for her feminist stance, or elon fucking musk. but they don't say this, instead they quickly repackage it for your very public consumption, with their own mark added as if this pseudo-philosophical answer isn't actually the re-hashing of some ancient, greek or german or chinese scriptures they don't even know exist.

“but why?” ask the adults, “why?”

why? why? everything always comes back to one thing. its almost a running theme through societies facilitators: the internet, mobile phones, drugs, booze, sex, gambling. they all give us this one thing that we all love:- dopamine

dopamine NOUN

Biochemistry

[mass noun] A compound present in the body as a neurotransmitter and a precursor of other substances including adrenaline.

the irony of the fact all anyone is trying to do is release something already present in their own bodies is thoroughly lost on the kids, however. they don't really know what dopamine is; all they know it they have no confidence. how do they feel better about themselves then?

posting pictures; getting various likes; gaining followers/subscribers; receiving calls & text messages; getting something shared; having their comment favourited; tweeting; being re-tweeted (that’s a big one)

because what these things do to these young minds is exactly what smoking, drugs, alcohol and gambling did for the generation before. and the results of heroin, crack, super-strength booze, barely regulated gambling, binge-encouraging licensing laws and draconian governmental drug policy have now been accepted as deeply damaging and complete failures respectively. so kids, they don't do all the normal stuff. they don't learn to get natural levels of things in your brain like serotonin or dopamine you would get from doing all those things your grandparents enjoyed so much:

dancing travel picnics laughing the cinema sports love

you get the idea. without this they have to find it elsewhere, or else be miserable. these kids, they are at a difficult point as it is, and they have access to this thing the adults don't really understand. they may have invented it, but the great thing about kids is they'll always find a better way of using your idea or invention than you ever thought of. no one ever really thought social media would end up being our primary mood regulator. and that creates a unique difference between older generations ability to access large dopamine stimulants and the new. for the traditionalists there are age restrictions. there are legal restrictions. there are “controls” placed on “substances”. but the internet and social media is an ever expanding constantly evolving dopamine dealing monster of the kind the adults have never seen before. its easy to see why as we get older religion becomes more important. when you start to see the devil in things, you start to think maybe we could do with some sort of righteous opposition.

so low self-esteem combined with a literal 24/7, 365-days-a-year access to small, neatly-packaged releases of the very addictive, Dopamine. and the adults look at the kids and they despair.

how? why?

as if living through the first attempt to supercharge the release of mind altering alkaloids and the like had happened to someone else. or maybe that’s why. and the ultimate fears of the kids are now so different. so removed as they are from the real world, everything negative is directly relatable to their social media feeds.

if 20,000 hectares of primary rainforest gets bulldozed for soya someplace? thats ok. a north african nation collapses into war creating a flood of immigration? so what.

no one liked my comment; I'm not getting as many views as previous vlogs; losing subscribers; being unfriended.

these are the things that they obsess over, reading their own posts and comments over and over and over and just check one more time in case… in case nothing, really. just to see how other people have reacted. if they have reacted. whoever they are. or most likely are not. and the adults, they don't understand. so you got unfriended, so no one liked a video you posted.

“what’s the big deal, kid?”

they don't understand. despite everything they have essentially become more technologically able versions of their own parents. they got through just in time to buy a house, to have a career, to afford a family. mostly. just. but to a young mind already busy withdrawing into a digital construct they view to be more real than the reality they occupy in, increasingly, physical form alone. it is not only a big deal, it is the only deal they can relate to. and in the end, they just end up in the same cycle of addiction that has plagued humanity since we learnt to identify, cultivate, extract, distill, process and store the things we love so much to consume to excess.

take any junkie.

please.

no, but seriously take any addict and examine their behavioural patterns for just a second. ask one addict. ask a former user. ask a junkie. ask me. ask any, ask all. ask them to take you back to when all this started and the story you get will go something like this:

“when i was between the ages of 9 and 16 something happened to me. maybe it was one thing maybe it was a series of things. maybe it was a person, an event, a situation. and whether or not this was true in hindsight, at the time, i didn't feel i had any friends or support and someone introduced me to (enter relevant drug/drink/behaviour here), and it made me feel like i fitted myself. and this was the first time i had ever really felt like that,”

rewind a second, to when you were even younger:

“when i was younger all that mattered was my parents. they stood as gods. real gods, like the one in the old books. not a kind and patient lord, no, an autocratic benevolent and wrathful being. that made me feel unimportant, scared, abandoned.”

why does this matter? let’s go back forwards for a second to most people’s ideal path through their developmental period:

so you are at an age where your parents recede in your mind as you are made aware through religion or neglect that there is a bigger picture full of clans and tribes and groups and affiliations. you need the approval of different people now. potentially people your parents would not approve of. and these people, some of them, eventually, will become something you feel a part of, support, are supported by. based on things like love, respect, and mutual understanding. as you grow older these regular and reoccurring figures lean on you and support you and they become your family.

nice, right?

but what if this never happens? not really. not physically. what if this only happens on a screen and your peers consist primarily of fans, followers, subscribers or thousands of friends you will never meet? it is human to need the tribe, because it is human to need. but back to our gambling, alcoholic, addict:

so now i’m 19-46 and I'm running through cycles of abuse, abstinence, relapse, abuse, abstinence, relapse… based on the stresses in my life. normal stresses. job problems? consume. personal problems? consume. the message is consume and he/she does so willingly. the supply is so massive demand will never catch up. it never occurs for the longest time to her/him it might be the behaviour that causes 90% of all consumption related stresses. without having ever formed any relationships in his/her adolescence that weren't mutually exclusive to the drug/drink/behaviour she/he decided to be his/her favourite(s). she/he can’t just go and see a friend. by this stage any interaction requires consumption.

but there are treatments. there are options. there are ways to get away. it isn't easy, but it is possible and there is some sort of legislation to deal with problematic members of society. if nothing else, there is medication. but with an increasingly technologically immersed society, how can someone addicted to something like social media and the internet possibly get away.

ask a scientist. ask a few. ask me. or ask google this exact thing:

people who spend more time on social media are more likely to suffer from depression than those who don’t.

and that. that’s a fact. so now you're an addict. do any of these things:

check your phone first thing in the morning? have your phone out when you are with friends? check your phone whilst driving? read emails or generally scroll whilst in meetings? message people you know are not there to answer?

addict. like it or not, thats exactly what you are.

2. nurture & 3. nature:

the western failed parenting techniques of child psychology and personal empowerment. the whole:

“you are a precious snowflake” “you are special” “you can be anything - if you try hard/want it badly enough”

and these kids, they live in a whole new world. there is political correctness for the first time. some kids always come last at everything. they used to just be last, but now? now they get a certificate or a medal for taking part. for the first time, just being there is rewarded.

but its a bit like mcdonalds in the end. you remember the star system? well if you dont, the employees wore stars they earned to show… something. but rewarding failure or mere participation, it doesn't work. in the end the medals aren't worth anything, the stars are pointless, and all they do is depress the individual who “won” it/them and has to display this very public badge of weakness or subservience. you get it in the military too - medals earned and medals given. they are two very different things, and the second are largely auction pieces.

so these kids, the ones we are talking about, they go through this whole, ever-shorter, “childhood” of entitlement, filled with promised futures of exceptional achievement.

and then they go to the workplace. not to work, because now there aren't any jobs and you are going to be working for free, then minimum wage, and eventually you’ll be a professional and wont earn enough to survive in a city like london. the kind of city you need to be in if you stand a chance at all. so these kids, they move to the new city slums and their parents guarantee rents these kids cant afford. first day, they walk in, probably late, get shuffled about for a couple of hours between people who need someone, but don't really want them and WHAM!

imagine: a huge wall, a wall so huge it blocks out the sun.

got it? ok, so now imagine that wall falling like a rogue wave off the coast of hawaii the size of an office block directly through your soul when they make you understand, these, these, these adults. make you understand, it turns out, that what you were told was wrong. everything all of it. and more relevantly here:

“you are NOT a precious snowflake” “you are NOT special” “you can NOT be anything - NOT if you try hard/want it badly enough”

ego shattered. soul screaming. hot adrenaline flushes. green soundless black-out flashes. it’s like a panic attack. oh no wait - it is a panic attack. and it hits fast. you, who can do anything, cant control panic when it hits. everyone thinks they’ll be able to. mostly no one ever can. and now you have a whole generation with a naturally low sense of self esteem, who need medication for anxiety and panic attacks on top of everything still to come. nothing is real. everything a lie, pretend, an illusion. everything is fake except for the only fake thing here. so they dive into a digital simulation of an approximation of the life they wish they have and get pleasure when people tell them they like the person they in reality, aren’t.

4. AAA

remember how it was, before the internet? before broadband?

having to wait for CDs to be released? waiting for the shops to start selling them? or records? digging through crates for weeks, month, years, for that one tune? having to go and watch bands play live to hear rare performances? that feeling of finding something new? to have to wait week-by-week for your favourite show to air? before auto-record? before boxsets? on normal analogue CRT television sets? those big massive things? having to go and take a night-class to learn something? by doing it? with other people? going to the supermarket to chose your food, let alone actual real markets? contribute to delivery costs? for anything? food? clothes? postal items? from china? having to research from books? referencing whole books? lots of them? technical books? having to use them in situ because they were reference material? microfilm? those big blue/green screens of blackness?

photocopying? like scanning, but different?

museums? of history? to see how things looked on walls? in frames? books? weapons? jewels? bones? museums? of art? deciding on your favourite school, again? style? artist? sculptor? surrealism? dada-ism? dutch? renaissance? meeting girls? meeting boys? face-to-face? standing around? asking them out? the groups? the bravado? the nerves? the acceptances? the rejections? borrowing books from the library? waiting for a book to be returned? paying fines for late returns? meeting up at the cinema? making plans in advance? agreeing where to meet because of all the people? because no phones? going to the video store and seeing if any of the newest movie were for some reason behind another movies box-cover? because they were all out? yeah, you took the copy of the movie you wanted from behind a box with the picture of the movie you wanted on it. thats how you knew they had it. and if it was a new movie, they had loads of copies.

but they always ran out. remember that?

not now, no way. now it’s all: AAA

Access All Areas

in a world of near-instant gratification, these kids they get confused. its back to the whole first day at work scenario. the one where they arrive knowing fuck all and expect to be making life-changing decisions by the end of the week, if not the day. imagine that same kid after six months, dejected, feeling wasted and useless because they aren't achieving anything related to the buzzwords they crave:

importance impact effect

abstract concepts. like time itself. irony at least is still doing a healthy trade through all of this, this, temporary glitch? collapse of civilisation? no one really knows, and increasingly the kids, they don't care. means nothing to them. doesn't give them what they need when they see pictures of it so they don't look and the algorithm makes sure that part of life goes away. and these kids, they don't know what a 10,000lb bomb looks like, let alone how you get it halfway across the globe. and drop it on someone they will never meet? definitely don't care. instant access, instant gratification - what did it get them mainly - desensitisation to everything that isn't directly related to their ever-shrinking worlds. what would you like to see?

road rage videos organised fights between rival hooligans how to cold-extract OTC drugs to leave only narcotics how to make guns and knives at home any and all types of porn, gay porn, horses fucking hookers porn dog-fighting bull-fighting murders decapitation compilations rape war-footage bombing campaigns

its all there. google it, you don't even need to boot TOR from a flash drive outside a coffeeshop and use a secure, encrypted VPN client to start surfing the real web. the “dark” web. you don't even know what’s on there. no, all of that stuff is on google. once you know this stuff exists, mainly, most people, they ignore it. they don't like it. we all know horrible stuff happens every day.

how do you build legacy, quickly? an over-night empire? seems maybe you can’t, so knowing this, the kids, they call for revolution. but what for today? we wait for nothing now and this is what they know. don't like your wrinkles? inject your face. anyone over 24 should consider it really. make-up: it’ll only get you so far. and it takes seconds. you don't need anyone even nearly like a doctor related anything to do it, either. just a girl from a shop. what could possibly go wrong? lips? cheeks? piercings? tattoos? a culture expanding as people at once require armour to protect them and imagery to define them, yet all at the expense of the seemingly increasingly expendable physical form. as they retreat into virtual reality so their ability to interact on a personal level is reduced. as they become less able to interact with different types of identities due to essentially poor socialisation through lack of experience, so they need aggressive external visual stimuli to confirm what it is they like, and by extension like to be seen doing; being; enjoying… combined with obsession in the western world with perfection of the physical form, unrealistic expectations of the human body and the now-perverted nature of sexuality, it creates people at once obsessing over how they look, yet at the same time destroying it with chemicals, inks and holes ensuring that they will never achieve the natural perfection they secretly, unknowingly programmed to strive for.

but the world, it continued despite this western regression into virtual reality. and in the meantime some terrible things have been happening.

the middle east becomes a battle ground. a global recession wipes out most peoples chances at a productive future. but these kids, none of this means anything to them. despite going global, the choices available due to the frankly poor algorithms that chose your future online, it drives the kids deeper into smaller, more extreme, more perverse groups. where all they care about is a constant rolling stream taking them down and backwards towards the last thing they saw. despite a potential global meltdown, international political upheaval, environmental catastrophe… they largely - after signing a petition maybe, or liking or sharing some corrupt culture and land destroying oil disaster waiting to happen - remain obsessed with:

what about x celebrities lips? look at the funny kitten/child/puppy limited edition gold adidas trainers cars women men food place they will never go things they will never see

they feel better. like things. re-tweet. minds so programmed to rank and number everything, this all-consuming infatuation with what the best one is, the prettiest one, the thinest… the top tens:

(search for most self/celebrity-obsessed top tens on youtube)

1. Living in a Car: Top 10 Places to Sleep 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

(+ add section of “i added him on snapchat, but i didn't subscribe to his youtube. channel.

and the adults, they don't understand what this means…)

when they look back, in the future, this will be the time. the time when the lines, they first started to blur.

[faithtales]

Life after university

Ever since I successfully managed to endure four years of university torture, I’ve had the very same question flung my way…

“Nde ukutanino?”

Honestly, this question annoys me. For so many reasons. I don’t mean the people who ask me are annoying per se, but the question annoys me because of personal reasons. I know they mean well. They probably have a “Congratulations!” dancing on their tongue, waiting for me to give them some kinda good news.

“I’m working for [Insert prestigious organisation here] and I’m a [Insert prestigious position here]. I get [Insert a great salary + job’s great benefits here] and I’m happy! Life is GREAT!” Maybe throw in, “I’m getting married in [Insert month here]!” for extra seasoning.

Nope!

I have, on a couple occasions, just laughed instead of answering the question. Recently, I stared blankly at the individual who asked me the unpopular question. My mind trailed off.

“I’m staying at home, doing chores and spending so many hours I’m ashamed of admitting on social media.  I sometimes take stupid quizzes like “design your house and we’ll tell you when you’ll die”. I am struggling with my health; I collapse sometimes, especially when I’m stressed, which is usually caused by overthinking and my very unhealthy habit of not eating and/or sleeping enough. Sometimes I find vacancies that I tell myself I will apply for, and lose interest in the job when I’m about to apply so they just end up as starred messages on my WhatsApp, or in my email draft folder. I have managed to break my habit of nail biting, but I subconsciously bite them when I’m deep in thought once in a while.”

Then I remembered that I had to use my brain to come up with an answer instead…

“Palibe. Ndikungogona kunyumba. Ndikupuma kaye,” I said quickly, then let out a laugh.

“Oh ok. Ayi zipumani,” they said.

I should have probably come up with a better reply. But oh well.

Honestly, I don’t know where my life is heading. I don’t know what I’ll be doing in a year, where I’ll be or who will be around me. I don’t even know about next week. Heck! I don’t even know about tomorrow. When you’re living in your parent’s home without much happening in your life, you remember that you are sapuni. You wake up with plans… well, not very important plans… maybe I’ll tidy my room. Or I’ll go collect ka jacket ndinapeza pa kaunjika kaja koma kokula mmikonomu kwa a tailor in town… or I’ll try to edit my CV this time and actually apply for that research assistant job… those type of plans, but plans all the same… Then mum wakes up and just says, “ndikufuna upite mtown: upite ku chigayo. Kenako ukagule anyezi, tomato, bread…” and before you know it, you have a list of things to do in town. This is when you realise that the driving lessons they paid for you were so they could easily send you in town, not necessarily that their daughter should have driving skills.

My mum’s sending-you-to-town trips interest me. Her list is usually short. But you can spend over 2 hours in this very small town of Zomba. When you’re in town, she will call you and tell you she forgot something else. Then she will call again when you’re almost done and you have to go back to square one. By the time you’re getting home, you feel tired and hungry. But at least you had a had the chance to check if the tailor adjusted your jacket yapa kaunjika yokula mmikono (no, he didn’t. he said I should go mawa. He will DEFINITELY have it ready then. He said the same dzana).

Another thing unemployment has done to me is it has made me care less (mind the gap) about my appearance. Back in college, I would never go on campus with unkempt hair, shabby clothes that don’t match. Now, I wear the first t-shirt I see and I’m okay with wearing masilipasi. This morning, mummy sent me to town. It was her usual short list. But she told me to hurry because “tomato akufunika lunch yomweyino”. This was somewhere around twenty to twelve. So I just wore what I could and rushed outside (yes, nnali nsanasambe. Nndadzuka mochedwa). As I was about to get into the car, she asked me, “Upita mmutumo muli choncho?” I had African threaded my hair the night before. The opportunity cost of unbraiding it for just about an hour’s time in town was too high. I was going kumsika anyway.

Lol. Guys. I would have been ashamed before. But I laughed. I laughed hard.

“Mum, it’s just Zomba Town. I’ll be back before you know it!”

Poor mum. She just looked at me, shook her head and probably muttered to herself, “Koma mwana uyu nde akhwatchitsatu.”

 Which brings me to the next question I get asked these days.

“Have you found ‘someone’ yet?”

Respectful people say, “Mukupephelela aBrother koma?”

“Munamaliza school’tu, nde mukudikila chani?”

Eeeeh. This topic.

You know, when you’re far, you look at a watch and admire its beauty. You look at those hands moving around in complete harmony and it’s just beautiful. But then when you open the back side of the watch, and you come close, you will see that there’s SO MUCH going on. It’s actually more complex than you initially thought.

Yes, that’s what marriage is like to me now. From afar, beautiful! We wrote “goals” under pictures of couples with matching clothes. Those beautiful photos of families looking happy made it all look rosy. I kept pushing the thought of marriage away, like, let me finish undergrad first. Now I’m close and I see how complex everything is. Marriage is WORK! Finding and being the right partner is also not that simple. It’s not just some pretty photo and great caption, or a big colourful wedding. It’s a lifetime commitment to someone you will have to stand for the rest of your lives. And honestly, it scares me! (It scares a lot of us, I’m just brave enough to admit it). Then someone comes along and adds the pressure by asking “tivina liti?”

Anyway, my life currently has been interesting, but I’m loving it. Despite all the uncertainties, I appreciate the fact that I am in my parents’ home and there isn’t too much pressure to move out or get a job. I want a job I am satisfied with. I want to do things I am actually happy with. I know a lot of people say you have to throw your CV everywhere. My reply is always the same: I do not like to have my CV all over town in the name of trying my luck. I know what a long shot it is, but I do not want to settle and work in a sector I have zero interest in and be stuck in some boring cycle. A friend gave me this piece of advice that has helped me so much. She said, “You are in your own time zone. Don’t you dare get tempted to look at what your friends are accomplishing and start to look down on yourself. It’s not a race.” That gave me so much peace. When a classmate asked me for advice on what to do because he got offered two jobs at once, I was tempted to look down on myself and say to him, “really? You call that a problem? Not knowing which job to pick? I can’t even get an interview!” But I stopped myself. I got happy for him. I helped him make a decision. That is all. Different time zones.

Finishing university was a great feeling. I loved it! My graduation was even more exciting. Chancellor college wasn’t easy, friends. And despite my unemployed state, I thank God and celebrate it every day. No one, and I mean no one, can ever take that away from me: I got a degree. I worked for it. And I am so darn proud of me, so should a lot of us unemployed graduates. There’s an achievement we should never forget or underrate. Yes, we can be more, and we will be, but let’s also count our blessings.

There are so many long term goals that I have, and most of them do not even involve working a 7-5 job. I have never lost sight of those goals. Sometimes I feel like just another dreamer, but I know I will get there. When it comes to marriage, I have learnt to lay all my burdens down at Jesus’ feet. He knows my tomorrow better than I do. He also knows what makes me anxious. I get comforted knowing the one who knows my tomorrow is the one who is guiding me. I also find comfort in knowing I am operating in my time zone-things will happen when it is the right time, that is all. I know we have all heard that same message before and it starts to sound corny, but believe me, you will look back at all this one day and agree with me- IT WILL HAPPEN AT THE APPOINTED TIME.

Yours truly,

An unemployed economics graduate

-The pain from every setback is just the feeling of your wings taking form.

- Now, Jesus said, in the Word. Jesus said, “If you ask the Father anything in My Name I’ll do it.” But sometimes, when God performs something and does something that we ask for, yet we don’t…It comes in an unexpected way, and sometimes in an unexpected place, and at an unexpected time. But God will answer in His Own way, if you’ll just believe it. See? See?  You must believe it, accept it, and then don’t take it back. Hold onto it. Lay hold of it, and say, “This is it. God said it. That settles it. If God said so, that’s finished, no matter how long.” There might not have been one molecule come into existence when He said, “Let there be” for a world. But, He, He is Eternal. And after while, become molecules and atoms. And it come up, because He said it to be that way. 

62-0120 -  The Unchangeable God Working In An Unexpectable Way      Rev. William Marrion Branham