#anyway shauna shipman i love you i did this out of love

[merevide]

update i picked shauna and largely compared her to medea and the video is like 8 minutes and 30 seconds long i want to lay in a bed of flowers n die

pls in my theatre class we have to compare a modern character in tv/film to a greek tragedy and then explain how they fit into the greek tragedy narrative…and ofc i thought of yellowjackets the problem is IDK WHICH CHARACTER TO PICK LMAO

[rhiannonsknife]

heyyy first of all, i just needed to say that your writing is soooo fucking good like i was genuinely impressed when you said that english isn't your first language because I can't imagine how this could get any better. Also, it isn’t only about the way you write but also the way you just get each character perfectly. That's just... woah, just woah. So yeah, I hope you keep on writing for a long time for the sake of everyone's happiness lol

And lastly, you remembered us about how you also write for the rest of the yellowjackets, not that I don't enjoy the whole "let's give love to all ella purnell's characters" thing going on here buuuut i remembered one scenario has been in my mind for a while and I'd love if you wrote about it.

Shauna, after losing so much to the wilderness, carries this relentless, overwhelming anger that keeps most of the other girls at a distance. Even those who aren't outright scared of her still know better than to get too close. She obviously needs love and comfort, but god help anyone who tries to say that to her. And then r decides to take a shot, carefully inching closer without setting her off. Slowly but surely, r makes progress. First, just being allowed in Shauna's space, then a hand on her shoulder, brushing her hand, maybe even touching her hair. When Shauna finally lets her guard down, r sees just how touch-starved she really is, how deeply she needs someone to just be there, to be her person.

Shauna and r start disappearing for hours, slipping off to somewhere, maybe the airplane, where r can pepper her face with kisses, making her feel safe. And Shauna just lets herself melt in those moments, holding r close.

my mind just goes ogdofgkditwukymg w her

── ౿🪵 NO ONE COULD SAVE ME BUT YOU

— summary: shauna shipman needs a hug. that���s it. that’s the summary.

— warnings: hurt/comfort. canon typical dark themes. implied cannibalism (duh). child loss. etc. so: angst. some fluff. did not beta-read this. + i had no clue how to start or end this fic.

— a/n: woah thank you so so much!! i genuinely appreciate that <3 i’m not planning on stopping any time soon! anyway, i hope you like how this turned out!!

out here, she’s lost everything. you all know it, though none of you dares to actually talk about it. it doesn’t come as much of a surprise that she’s beginning to lose herself too. it’s concerning all the same.

shauna still gets her chores done, so it is not like you don’t have her support in this poorly built system, this attempt to keep things under control when -really- all last restraints of control were lost the morning you’d found jackie’s body, buried in the snow, and with all that came after that. the things no one ever speaks about.

perhaps that is why none of the girls have approached her yet: as long as she does what she’s supposed to do, why would anyone try and cross her, or potentially upset her? after what she’s done to lottie, it’s no surprise. sometimes, in moments during which you find yourself staring at her hands for reasons beyond you, you can see the flash of a scar, standing out against the thin skin of her knuckles.

maybe they’re scared of her. or scared of what she’s become, out here. it doesn’t make a difference. maybe you should all be scared of what you’ve become.

either way, it’s not fair. you obviously know that she needs the same comfort some of the other girls have found in each other, whether shauna wants to admit it or not.

so you -with nothing better to do for the most part- make it your mission to be this comfort for her.

at first, shauna gives you short, cold responses when you try to make small talk, but you keep at it. there’s nowhere to go anyway, nowhere she could flee to get away from your slightly awkward attempts to just talk. it’s a first step.

gradually, you notice her replies get a little longer, her posture softens, just slightly, and she doesn’t seem so quick to brush you off. a small sign, but it means you’re beginning to earn her trust. you don’t talk, not always. sometimes, you’ll just linger nearby and watch her prepare the last remaining pieces of meat or sit in the same room as she scribbles in the journal she’s brought from home.

sitting with shauna in silence becomes its own form of closeness; she doesn’t say much, but she lets you be near her. you can’t remember, now that you think about it, when she was last hugged. when she last felt the touch of another person. your heart aches at this realization. could it have been jackie? it already feels like a whole lifetime ago, that she'd been among the group.

over time, she actually starts letting you sit close enough that your legs touch. you hope it’s her way of saying that maybe she doesn’t mind your presence as much as she lets on.

one day, after a particularly hard night, you take a chance and rest a hand on shauna’s shoulder. you’ve noticed, even from a distance, that she doesn’t sleep well. truthfully, no one out here does. but, with your makeshift mattress closest to the spot she’s preoccupied in the farthest corner of the room, you often notice the way she flinches in her sleep, or shoots up in the middle of the night, panting heavily.

when you notice it that night, you slip out of the more or less comfortable ‘warmth’ of your blankets and make your way over to her.

she tenses, but for a moment, she doesn’t pull away. her silence feels like a monumental moment, a sign that she’s slowly starting to let her walls down. you sit like this, hidden by the darkness of the cabin and with none of the others awake, for a long moment. neither of you moves, neither of you even dares to breathe, afraid it’ll pass by as fast as it has come. then, she shrugs away from your grip and mutters: “i’m fine”. she’s not, obviously. but you take it as a small victory. you’ve felt the way she relaxed under your hold, the way she didn’t immediately push you away.

as weeks pass, you notice shauna becoming less and less guarded in your presence. she’s still wary, still sharp, but you can sense the small shifts, a quiet murmur here, a shared look there, that suggest she’s warming up to having you close.

maybe that night is what’s to blame, or maybe she’s genuinely beginning to realize how much she craves the warmth of another person. your warmth.

it’s one of these days where she’s angrily scribbling down words into her journal when shauna reaches a first ‘breaking point’. she’s sitting beside you in silence, the weight of the wilderness and the day pressing down on both of you. the only noise is the angry scrape of her pencil against paper. in a rare moment of boldness, you reach out, brushing a strand of her hair back from her face.

you’re not sure why you do it. but shauna seems so far away from everything, so detached from the reality you live in, that you just want to offer her something grounding.

her first reaction is to freeze, her eyes widening with a flicker of surprise, and you nearly pull your hand away, wondering if you’ve overstepped. but instead, shauna lets out a breath and holds still, allowing you to tuck the strand behind her ear. as your fingers brush her cheek, you can feel her breath catch, her defenses lowering just a little. it’s a brief, fragile moment, but one that feels much bigger to you: an unspoken acknowledgment that maybe, just maybe, she’ll allow more of this.

that’s when things begin to change: shauna starts looking for you after difficult moments, lingering by your side in ways that tell you she needs someone, even if she won’t say it; too stubborn to ever admit it out loud. she lets you take her hand quietly, her thumb rubbing yours a wordless promise that, just for a while, she’ll let you be her safe place.

it becomes routine for you and shauna to disappear to some quiet spot when the cabin feels too heavy. no one has figured you out yet, although you’re sure that they can put two and two together by now: tai has caught your eye, the last time you sneaked off together and lottie has long claimed that the wilderness has its fucked up ways of communicating with her. whether any of it is true or not, something about the glances she shoots in your direction tells you that she knows. that she might even appreciate it, though that could just be because she won’t be the outlet for shauna’s anger anymore.

after a particularly tense exchange with the others, she brushes past you, muttering, “let’s go.” you follow her immediately, of course, and the two of you wind through the forest until you reach the plane’s wreckage. inside, it’s silent and dim, a place that’s somehow managed to become a safe haven. the last reminder of civilization, somewhere far far away from you.

shauna lets herself lean back against the metal frame, shoulders dropping in relief, her usual guarded expression softening as you sit close beside her.

she doesn’t say anything, but her hand finds yours, squeezing it tightly, as if she’s grounding herself in your presence. then, in a rare show of vulnerability, she leans her head on your shoulder, her eyes closing as she lets out a shaky sigh. you wrap an arm around her, pull her closer, and let her melt into you, feeling her tension slowly give way as she buries her face in the crook of your neck.

together, you stay like that for hours, just holding each other. shauna curls into your arms, letting herself fully relax in the quiet. you actually dare to cradle her head and press gentle kisses to her forehead, feeling her melt into your embrace, and trusting you in a way she hasn’t trusted anyone else in a long, long time.

“you’re…you’re way too soft for this place, you know that?” you hear her whispering. she doesn’t stop you, though.

when it’s time to return, shauna doesn’t say a word but gives you a look that says it all: gratitude, trust, and something almost like relief.

even when you’re not together, shauna’s glances toward you become longer, her eyes lingering with something that remains unspoken, as if she’s trying to understand this newfound feeling.

around the others, she is still hesitant to be openly affectionate. in the cabin, it is only late at night, when it’s just the two of you, that she lets herself fall into your arms. It’s the only time she allows herself to be unguarded, clinging to you silently as if afraid you’ll vanish too if she lets go.

that same night, you catch a quiet confession under her ragged breath. she’s facing the other way, letting you spoon her from behind. only this way, does she dare to open up about how everything seems to slip away from her. she’s scared but hides it behind anger and frustration. you’re the first person allowed to see her tears.

you can’t even begin to imagine what she’s going through. all the things she’s been robbed of: girlhood, like all of you. even if you’re ever rescued (which seems less likely with every day that passes) how are you supposed to move on? how are you supposed to live, like none of this ever happened? her best friend, who no one dares to talk about anymore, afraid it’ll bring back the things you’ve done. it’s like she was never here at all which, you think, must be even worse. motherhood, too, though she never even wanted it. no one seems to acknowledge that, out of everyone out here, she might just be the one to have lost everything to the wilderness.

in an attempt to comfort her, you trace mindless shapes against the back of her hand, slowly soothing her back to sleep. the letters of her name, a loopy S, gliding across her scarred knuckles with a tenderness so contrary to everything these hands have done. your own name, next. you hear a gentle chuckle coming from shauna. she knows what you’re doing, of course. you don’t stop.

the outline of wiskayok, as you remember from the map. she doesn’t seem to recognize this one, a little crease between her brows. “home” you tell her quietly and the crease vanishes.

it feels surreal that, somewhere out there, home is still a place. that wiskayok still exists to the people, to your families, your classmates, and everyone else back there. that it’s more than just a fading memory.

“you suck at drawing” she finally manages. it’s the first time you can hear the glimpse of amusement in her voice.

“what? you think you’re any better?” you whisper quietly, wanting it to last.

shauna shifts beside you, and takes your hand with a gentleness you didn’t think she possessed still.

now it’s your turn to lay back and feel. she starts with words. “yellowjackets” she spells out. a small smile flashes over your features as shauna studies your face attentively. then, though it’s harder to make out, she traces the word: “champions”. your heart feels heavy with everything that could’ve been.

shapes are next: a tiny heart, resembling the shape of jackie's necklace, then a simple circle.

"that's a soccer ball" she whispers expertly. for the first time, you laugh. it only lasts a short moment before you remember where you are, and that the others are trying to sleep just a couple of meters from you.

you fall asleep with her hand in your own, as both of your eyes grow too tired and you drift off together.

other nights, when she’s fast asleep and -for once- doesn’t seem haunted by nightmares, you find yourself watching over her. it’s the only time you get to see her the way she’d once been: when her features aren’t tense or pained, but relaxed. when she’s the girl you met at the very first soccer practice years ago, who hasn’t known any of the things that’ll happen to her in this lifetime. you stay up all night, only realizing how much time has passed when light starts spilling into the cabin and she stirs up.

you know shauna hates being pitied. so while you do feel for her, instead of asking if she’s okay, you just stay close, offering your warmth and presence. when shauna’s frustration bubbles over, she lets herself scream or cry in your arms, knowing you won’t turn her away. you hold her tightly all through the waves of emotions, murmuring quiet reassurances, and she clings to you, even as she struggles to accept that someone genuinely cares.

“everyone else… they don’t understand. they couldn’t. but you-“ she murmurs softly. “you’re the only one who sees me. the only one who wants to.”

shauna begins to show subtle signs of protectiveness over you, too: always looking out for you and offering the little comforts she can manage. even though her gestures are often quieter than yours, and less obvious, she's found her own way of showing she’s come to care for you, and that she’s willing to fight for you as much as you’re willing to be there for her out there!! <3

[vevobly]

could you write friends to lovers shauna shipman x reader headcanons?? i love how you write her and i think is so accurate!! thank you, hope you have a an amazing day ☺️☺️

Friends to Lovers With Shauna Shipman Headcanons! (Pre-Relationship) [1]

A/N: Thanks, Anon! I always try hard to make sure the stuff I make about them is in line with their canon counterparts, but it can't be helped that some will just be out of character for them anyway. Moving aside from those, this was a bit rushed but I still hope you devour and enjoy it!

You were probably in one of her classes or friends with Jackie. At first, she doesn't really acknowledge your existence—too busy focusing solely on Jackie.

It isn’t until after a party that she and the rest of the Yellowjackets team are invited to that she does begins paying mind to you. What you did wasn't a big thing, to be honest!

You probably just, like, accompanied her for a while and complimented her outfit while she was moping over Jackie leaving her for Jeff again or something.

To your surprise, instead of being told to just leave her alone, Shauna actually lights up and starts talking to you; she thanks you for your compliment before talking about other things.

You guys don't even notice how much time passed with how invested you both were in your conversations with each other before someone from her team came to get her.

From then on, Shauna starts waving at you whenever she sees you around. She starts giving you these small (really cute) shy smiles when you two pass each other through the hallways.

It isn't long until it evolves to you guys striking up a conversation whenever you guys catch the other somewhere. You listen to Shauna, and she feels heard. She feels more seen.

Slowly but surely stuff changes between the two of you as you both get closer to each other. Shauna starts sneaking out of her house at night to meet you after dark, just hanging out with you in her car and talking for hours.

The conversations are just about whatever, school and gossip, the usual. But gradually it goes from that to Shauna spilling a lot of stuff she normally would just never tell anyone and keep to herself.

You guys start glancing at each other a lot, brush hands more often than friends should, and find a TON of excuses just to be physically close to each other.

When you guys are around the team, you both have to play it really cool. I mean, the team knows you two have been getting way too buddy pals with each other, but no one knows more than that.

Tai and Van has this vibe with you two. Natalie has this hunch. Jackie is oblivious to it. Laura Lee, Lottie, Mari, and Akilah feel like something's up with you guys while Misty is just in her own world entirely but she's like Nat too. She suspects something is going on between you guys.

You bet your ass that with how close you've become to Shauna, you get pretty good at reading her especially when she's hiding her emotions. You can tell when something's bothering her, and you're the one she immediately turns to when stuff blows up with Jackie or Jeff's existence pisses her off again.

As Shauna's feelings for you get deeper, she kinda starts pulling away from Jackie. Not just emotionally but also physically. Sure, Jackie is all wrapped up in her relationship with Jeff and her image. But when she starts noticing this? Oh boy, you are toasted. She lowkey starts controlling and preventing Shauna as much as she can from being with you anymore further than she likes.

This doesn't stop Shauna though. In fact, it just makes her spend more time with you. When it's just the two of you, her behavior completely changes. She's relaxed and affectionate (platonically 👀), more free and herself around you.

[alottiegoingon]

hc! shauna shipman has a crush on you

shauna shipman x fem!reader

summary: shauna is awful at hiding her crush on you and you're too slow to realize her feelings and your own

warnings: just fluff but characters are aged up anyway, shauna and reader being two awkward losers in love, VERY cliche and cheesy moments wow

valentines day bonus at the end<3

it was just another friday when shauna shipman saw you in school. you were talking to your best friend lottie matthews in the cafeteria while making plans to go to the mall on the weekend and steal buy some new clothes for a party next week

you had the most genuine and adorable smile ever on your face and shauna didn’t even need to get closer to you to notice how beautiful you look. your eyes appeared smaller thanks to your huge grin and you were looking like a model even though you were just wearing your uniform from the soccer team. shauna didn’t care, you were stunning

you and shauna knew each other before that, of course. you were both in the soccer team, the yellowjackets. she wasn’t as popular as her best friend, jackie taylor, but she also wasn’t a loser too scared to talk to people her age like you. at first when you joined the team, you were terrified intimidated by her presence. it was something about how those dark eyes were always staring at you so intensely that it felt like she could see right through you and read your soul. it was scary!

eventually, you got used to it. well, only when you two got the opportunity to talk. it made you realize that shauna wasn’t that bad. she was just insecure

“you were really good today." was your awkward attempt to get closer to shauna and face your 'fear' of her once and for all

"just today?" her words made you freeze and you immediately regretted taking the first step when her death gaze met yours. "n-no! i mean, you did great today but you are always so good and i-" but then, in less than five seconds, she softens and begins to smile for some reason you didn't know but was too scared to ask. you quit talking immediately and it took you a while to figure it out that she was just kidding. oh, right. she was laughing at how cute you were all desperate like that

since that day you two would talk everyday. it was very awkward and even silent at first but gradually you became friends. jackie was obviously very jealous of you and she would give you death stares for the first few weeks until you fully got into her heart

slowly, that pair of brown scary eyes shifted into something more comfortable in the field. you weren’t scared to go to practice and see her anymore

every single morning before getting off bed, shauna shipman would pray to god (and she wasn't even religious) for you to talk to her again and you would be so upset when she skipped practice for the day cause that meant that you would be unable to catch her staring at you and make your heart beat faster when you both look away as fast as you can

shauna also wasn’t afraid of looking at you anymore. it began with curiosity filling her eyes as if you were some kind of strange creature from another planet. she would study every single inch of you and it would make you nervous cause you thought that she probably hated you. then, it overwhelmed her with happiness every time she had her eyes on you. she had this fuzzy and warm sensation on her chest and it made her heart race. her breath would get stuck in her throat every time you waved at her and skipped towards her after practice even if it was just to say hi

even in parties, the girls would be hanging out all together and shauna would be there glued to jackie with a blank expression, clearly not wanting to be there. she was so upset that she was forced to go that stupid party that she would say the meanest things just to annoy everyone like a spoiled child until you step in and her face goes all red IMMEDIATELY and suddenly she’s speechless

“hi… i didn’t know you were coming…” says shauna with the softest voice EVER after mentally cursing every single person on that party. she definitely knew that you were coming cause she paid attention to you in class and how you were planning to go to this party with lottie. she wasn’t all teeth cause she was trying to keep her reputation intact but it was so easy to notice her lips twitching to a cute awkward smile

when the party was getting too wild and crowded, you two would sneak out to somewhere quiet to talk and gossip, giggling until your stomachs were hurting and not being able to stop

"i know it will make me sound like a loser but i hate these crowded parties. sometimes i wish i was a koala. they sleep for hours and are always high up in the trees and far from people"

and shauna looks at you extremely confused like "what the fuck did this girl just said" but immediately agrees just cause she loves hearing you and would agree to anything you said

"yeah. me too" and she's staring at you with dilated huge ass pupils and a look of endearment

valentines day bonus

you and the girls were discussing valentines day a week before while practicing and you mentioned how you really wanted to have a partner to give you silly little cards and shauna was the first one to make fun of you and say how cheesy that was

shauna hated valentines day. the entire school consisted in a bunch of touchy teenagers kissing and hugging and it would make her want to throw up >:(

(secretly, she was just jealous of them. she was very good at hiding behing a tough shell and pretend that she was way too good for relationships. maybe she was just scared)

come on, why whould she want to receive a stupid card from someone she didn't even care about? it was so cliché and idiotic and she-

"happy valentines day, shipman!" you poke her shoulder before handling her the most cliché card ever. you tried to be cool but you were sweating like a pig when handling it to her and waiting for her reaction

the color vanished from shauna's face for a moment and went back to fully red while she was staring at you completely still, blinking in shock. she didn't seem mad or feeling like throwing up though. not at all. she grabbed the card from your hands and rolled her eyes after reading it

"the field is green the sky is blue soccer is awesome and so are you!"

"jesus christ, that's awful." she complains but you see a smile peeking into her lips when she looks away to hide from you. such a softie!!! "are you smiling?" you tease her

"of course not. shut up, alright?" she immediately shakes her head as an attempt to make her cheeks less red and her smile vanish.

"whatever. i have something for you." she tried to sound serious as she shoves her hand inside her backpack to let it out a pink card that made your eyes glow

"you koalafy to be my valentine"

"wow, shipman..." differently from shauna, you weren't scared to smile and show her how happy you were. its not like you were able to control it either way. but just like her, your cheeks were burning red and you felt special about her memorizing the stupid things you say.

"no. i don't wanna hear a word."

[melswifeasf]

Was it ever real? pt. 2

part one.

Fandom: Yellowjackets

Pairing: Shauna Shipman x fem!reader

Genre: angst; smut; fluff.

Words: 8.2k+

Summary: part two of this imagine. your relationship with Shauna is all you could ever ask for but it’s starting to feel too good to be true.

Notes: sorry it took me forever to get this up, i was kinda lost on where i wanted to finish it but i hope you guys like what i chose. it feels a little rushed it’s because it was but i know you guys wanted this up so i tried my best.

not spell checked!

you were completely and utterly in love with Shauna Shipman. that wasn't a surprise to anyone who knew you, especially not to those who had known you before and after you started dating the brunette. she had you in her hold and you weren't sure you could ever pull away. not only did you not think you were capable of it, even if you were, you wouldn't want to. it was as if your whole world had changed. in no way had you had a sad life before her but having her in your life now just made you realize the beige filter on your life before then.

being in love with her was the greatest feeling you could've ever experienced. you didn't think you could ever love and gone in that way. Shauna had made sure of that since your first date.

New years had been the day that you told her. you'd known before then, possibly since the moment you laid eyes on her but it wasn't until the clock was counting down and there were screams and teens talking around you that you couldn't hold it in anymore. you were both in Lotties basement, your friends all around you while almost everyone had on some kind of new year prop on them, including you who had a black sparkly hat and Shauna who had on a purple bead necklace. the cheap ones that you'd find at the dollar store. her hands were on your waist, holding your body that was clothed with a sparkly red dress. your hair was curled and you had on a pair of black heels that made you Shaunas height. the brunette had on a dress as well, one that Jackie had told her to wear. you thought about telling her to wear whatever made her comfortable but you knew she'd just go along with Jackie anyway.

the whole night you spent it by her side, her arm around your waist that would only leave its place when it absolutely had to but not a second later it would be back. by the time it was a minute away from midnight, you were a little drunk you could admit but you were sober enough to know exactly what you were doing. the brunette didn't drink, she had driven you both there and she would be driving you home. as soon as Randy announced there was one minute left, you turned to look at Shauna and wrapped you arms around her neck.

the minute was spent with your eyes locked on hers. they were sparkling with the blinking colorful lights around the room. there was a loud countdown that was drowned out. you couldn't hear the wasted voices or the screams from your friends. it was just Shauna with her shy smile. your girlfriend who had been devouring you with her eyes all night. your girlfriend who looked at you with so much adoration that could practically make your heart explode.

3... 2... 1...

i love you. the words had left your lips in a whisper. even with the screams and cheers she heard you, that you knew for a fact. she blushed red and you'd never forget the smile that overcame her lips. her lips crashed down on yours in that instant, pouring out her answer. her lips were fast yet soft, there was so much emotion that it made you dizzy and light headed. she had to grip your hip a bit tighter when she pulled away to make sure you wouldn't fall.

and so she whispered the words back to you.

the hallways were crowded with talking teens who were either hanging by their locker or walking out of the school. the bell had rung signaling the end of class. typically you'd walk to soccer practice hand in hand with your girlfriend but she was nowhere to be seen. Jackie had passed a note to you during English, it was from Shauna, you could tell by the handwriting.

meet me on the field after school

-Shauna<3

there was a sense of excitement bubbling inside of you. Shauna was sweet and loved to get you all kind of surprises. it seemed as if your words on your first date stuck with her since they were said. she'd get you flowers spontaneously, send you little notes during class or sometimes letters in your lockers. there was even a time during your period that she made you a basket of all your favorite candies and snacks and a teddy bear that smelled just like her. sometimes she'd even surprise you with dates, whether it was on a picnic or to a movie and dinner.

you were sure this would be something of the sort. what did weird you out was the fact that you hadn't seen any of your friends. usually if Shauna wasn't with you, they would be. you tried not to think about it too much as you walked toward the soccer field as fast as possible. it didn't take long for it to come into your sight. the sun was shinning brightly down on you so you had to squint and put your hand over them to block the sun. at first, you were too far away to see but slowly your eyes adjusted.

it was impossible to bite back the grin that broke out and the way a small gasp left your lips. once you saw your girlfriend looking at you with a shy smile and a poster in her hands, you practically ran to her. the rest of the team were around her, five of them holding up a sign with a huge letter scribbled on it.

P R O M ?

you didn't seem to be stopping as you ran to the brunette causing Shauna to drop her sign and flowers as she caught you in her arms. your feet were lifted off the ground as she caught you and spinner you slightly to catch her balance. you pulled away from her for a second to peck her lips repeatedly before you hugged her again. you could feel eyes on you which were no doubt from the rest of the soccer team which slowly made you realize that you had yet to give a verbal answer.

finally you pulled away from her and your feet landed on the grass. everyone was staring at you with a raised brow, complete silence overcoming the field. Shauna was still looking at you with that same shy smile causing yours to widen. you didn't give a verbal response at first as you picked her lips once, "yes!" you said before kissing her once more. the response causing the girls to begin to cheer loudly and soon after a hurdle of bodies tackled the two of you causing your teeth to clash and the kiss to stop.

it seemed as if the girls were more excited than both of you as they all began to cheer and jump as if they had just won nationals. when the girls had finally calmed down and gave you both space, Shauna bent down to grab the flowers and poster before she handed the lillie's to you and let you admire the poster better.

the record player in your room had a disc playing making the song echo throughout the room. the house was alone aside from you and your girlfriend. your parents had gone out of town for the weekend, initially it was supposed to be a family thing but it turned into a romantic getaway when you realized you could spend the weekend with your girlfriend instead of your disgustingly romantic parents. they didn't need that much convincing to let you stay which told you all you needed to know.

it was Saturday; Shauna and you had spent Friday at a party. Saturday morning was spent making breakfast - which was really lunch and watching movies. you were a bit hungover and neither of you felt like going anywhere. you wanted to take advantage of the empty house. your parents would always have you and Shauna in your living room and the one time she let her go in your room you had keep the door open. the only times Shauna could be in your room would be when you'd sneak her in but you had to be quiet otherwise your parents could hear considering their room was right beside yours. you knew for a fact, they'd be able to hear anything and everything. it was rather unfortunate how you had to find out of such thing.

once it started getting dark you ordered some food and spent some time talking about anything and everything. it was one of the things you loved about Shauna, she never ran out of things to talk about. it wasn't until about an hour after you ate dinner that the conversation turned into kissing. it was your plan to do so, while she ranted about her last game, you began to scoot closer and closer until your lips began to kiss her neck softly. she quickly got the hint after that.

it was how you landed in the position you were in now, her body on top of yours with her in between your legs. her lips were moving against yours hungrily. your knee was bent and she was running her palm up and down your thigh. every time she'd move her hand up, she'd move your shorts further up your body.

Shauna wasn't a virgin, she had told you that two months after you started dating. she had lost it during the summer before junior year. it was someone from another school, a jock, someone Jackie had introduced her to and practically pushed her into his arms. it wasn't horrible but if she could take it back she would. especially now. what she would give to share her first time with her girlfriend and not some douche who didn't bother to ask if she was okay when he finished.

the hand that wasn't on your thigh was cupping your jaw as she dominated the kiss. Shauna had never really been all that dominate throughout the relationship, most of the time you'd be the one leading her to where you want or telling her what you want but it was different then and there. she was the one caressing your skin without you moving her hand there, she was the one who laid you down and began to kiss you hungrily. it was obvious you were both impatient, having been together for almost six months without actually doing anything intimate.

Shauna was too shy to ever initiate it and you weren't exactly ready. although you never believed in the whole 'losing your virginity' hype, it still scared you. there were too many things to worried about and considering Shauna never pushed you, it just felt easier to wait.

you just couldn't wait any longer. the brunette moved her hand away from your jaw and moved it down your body until she reached the end of your shirt. she pulled away for a second, her eyes searching yours for some kind of consent. you smiled softly and nodded your head. that seemed to be enough for her as she leaned down to peck your lips before pulling away altogether. she began to pull the shirt over your head which made you sit up carefully. once it was off, she threw it on the floor beside her and leaned down to kiss you again.

this wasn't her first time seeing you in a bra, she had seen you changing in the locker rooms more than once but it was the first time you were both alone. Shauna bit your bottom lip softly causing a small noise to erupt from your throat. Shauna didn't make it obvious that she had heard you but she definitely had. you would've been able to tell by the smirk that flashed across her lips but you were distracted by the wet kisses that were being trailed down your neck. she was leaving marks, no doubt but you didn't care in that moment. your eyes were screwed shut as you tried not to make any embarrassing noises. the only reaction Shauna could feel from you was your hand gripping onto her hair tightly.

her lips didn't stop even when they were met with your bra. instead of waiting for her to ask for your permission, you arched your back and took the black laced bra off in a second. Shauna pulled away as you did so, her eyes not leaving yours until you threw the bra somewhere in the room. when it was off, her eyes trailed down your body until they reached your bare skin. you felt a sudden surge of shyness overcome you causing you to reach up and pull your girlfriend down by her neck. she didn't complain as her lips were back on yours.

as her wet lips moved against yours she reached down to take off her own shirt, she pulled away for a moment before leaning back down. you didn't have to open your eyes to know what her body looked like under the black shirt she was once wearing. her toned body was engraved into your memory. every time you made out, your hands would creep under her shirt to caress her toned stomach which you knew she loved. every little detail about her was in your head and you weren't sure it would ever leave.

the kissing alone was turning you on and you were growing impatient. you could feel the dampness in your underwear and a part of you wondered if she could feel you. that thought didn't linger though. sensing that Shauna wasn't sure enough to do so on her own, you grabbed her free hand and moved it down your stomach until it was inside of your shorts. she pulled away in that instant, her eyes searching yours carefully. the way she looked so concentrated and concerned made a small smile to form on your lips. you loved this about her. you just loved her.

her touch was a bit clumsy and you could practically feel her nerves radiating off her body. it made you frown, knowing neither of you were experienced and you knew all she wanted was to make you feel good. instead of voicing your reassurance, you searched for her eyes. once she finally locked eyes with you, a small smile formed on your lips and you leaned forward to kiss her softly. a whisper escaped your lips when you pulled away, "i love you."

your words were more than enough for her confidence to come back, "i love you too" she mumbled before leaning back down to kiss you passionately. with her lips on yours, you had almost forgotten her hand inside your shorts until she began to run her finger up and down your slit. you gasped softly at the touch, your back arching into her and your lips stopped moving against hers. she pulled away after that, her eyes showing nothing but concern, "are you okay? did i hurt you?" she asked worriedly.

you shook your head quickly, "keep going," you said and gripped the back of her neck tightly. she almost smiled at your reaction but held herself back. she began to grow more confident with every gasp and moan that rippled from your throat and when she felt you were wet enough, she pushed two fingers inside of you. the action caused you to pull away completely, a rather loud gasp leaving your lips. she froze instantly, her eyes searching yours to make sure you were okay. when you nodded at her, she took it as her hint to keep going. she moved in a slow pace at first, trying to get used to the feeling and listening to exactly what would make you react the most.

until you were growing far too needy, "faster," you whimpered, gripping at the back of her neck even tighter. she nodded and did as you said, her eyes trained on yours. as much as you tried to keep your eyes locked on hers, you couldn't control the way they snapped shut from the intensity of it.

she bit her lip as she thought of the advice Tai had given her. it was stupid, really. three months ago, while at a party Taissa made a sexual comment which made Shauna feel a bit intrigued. she had never been with a girl and neither had you meaning it was likely your first time would probably be a let down, something she didn't want. it made her seek advice from Tai, she was hesitant to do so, expecting the taller girl to laugh or tease but she didn't. in fact, she seemed like she genuinely wanted to help. maybe it was the fact that she had been in her same position before and she would've loved to have someone give her advice for her first time, she wasn't sure. but she did help Shauna and in this moment, she was racking back to all the points she had given her.

she had done pretty much everything, made sure you were turned on enough so it wouldn't hurt, went slow until you told her to speed up. the only thing she could think of were two things, hitting you at a certain angle which she can't quite find and another thing.

without a second though her fingers curled inside of you causing your eyes to open, "fuck," you moaned. she looked at you, waiting for your response. "keep doing that." you nodded making her chest swell with pride.

as she kept going, it began to grow harder for her to move in a steady pace. while she was thinking that she was hurting you, you began to feel a pressure in your lower abdomen that made your nails dig into the brunettes skin. you didn't have time to feel bad about it as a certain pump made your body climax. you moaned loudly, your back arching and your eyes practically rolling to the back of your head. Shaunas face flushed at the sight, her movements not stopping as she tried to help your ride out of the high you were feeling.

when you finally landed back on earth, you gasped at her movements, far too sensitive. she got the hint when you reached for her hand so she'd stop. you looked blissed out, your eyes closed and your face flushed, all of it making Shauna feel more than confident.

the brunette grabbed her shirt along with your own. she put hers on and set yours on the bed for when you felt like it. once her shirt was on her body she laid down on the bed beside you, her body turned on her side so she was facing you. it took you a minute before you grabbed your shirt and slipped it on, then you turned on your side like your girlfriend had done.

"was that okay?" she asked shyly. her words made a smile breakout on your face.

"are you kidding? that was amazing" you confessed lovingly. you moved closer to her and placed your hand on the girls cheek softly. she smiled at the action and let your lips press against her own. it was soft and loving until she felt your hand start to wander down her body. she quickly pulled away.

"tonight was about you," she said, her big brown eyes showing nothing but adoration. you frowned.

"you don't want to?"

Shauna shook her head quickly, "of course i do," she reassured and tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. "but i wanted tonight to be all about you." she admitted. you nodded with a small smile.

"okay," you whispered. the brunette hummed and pulled you into her chest. you could hear how fast her heart was beating and it made your own heart beat at the thought. you loved her. more than anything and you were afraid you'd lose her somehow. even the thought made your stomach turn. how could you live without her? without her kisses and her hugs, without her brown eyes looking at you across the room. without her shy smiles and hearing how much she loves you. how could you live without Shauna Shipman?

"i love you," you whispered into the room, hoping those words would have the same affect on her as they always did on you. they did. you didn't miss the way her heart beat loudly against her chest as soon as those words were said.

"i love you too" she responded. if only she could hear the affect those words had on your heart.

she didn't feel the same. if only you had known the truth then. you wouldn't have been relieved that you spoke so loudly and you most definitely wouldn't have accepted her request. after hearing your secret, Jackie wouldn't leave her alone. she kept going on and on about how you were pretty and kind to her and you would make a great couple but all Shauna could think about was Jackie and Jeff. she didn't want you. it didn't click to her, not on the drive home and not during the three hour long conversation Jackie had with her in which all she talked about was the double dated the four could go on and all of the things that came with her best friend having a girlfriend. it did once she was getting ready to fall asleep. having you could distract her and she wouldn't be the only single one. she wouldn't have to feel the longing of wanting to have what Jackie had with Jeff. she would finally feel what being with another person and not being a third wheel was. you seemed to really like her and that would make anyone feel better about themselves and she didn't want to take that for granted.

so the next morning when she picked up Jackie to go to school, she told her that she'd take her advice and ask you out.

what had you just read?

it was just a rundown of what was written in that book. you left out the part on how she thought you were spoiled and how you got around the school. you left out the part in which she just wanted to feel loved.

how stupid could you be? how stupid could you be to believe that she would love you back? that you were lucky enough to have admitted to liking someone and that person liking you back?

you always protected your feelings, or at least you tried to. how did it not click that it was too good to be true?

the pain was unbearable. you couldn't even begin to explain what it felt like, even if you tried. was this a heartbreak? it was. Shauna Shipman had managed to be your first love and your first heartbreak all in the matter of six months.

you hadn't meant to read it. you didn't even mean to have found it. it was the morning after and Shaunas parents wanted her home so you went with her. your parents wouldn't be home til late that night and you didn't want to be alone. she was in the shower when you found it. you weren't looking for it, you weren't planning on reading it and you felt wrong to it. you just couldn't explain the need to, you couldn't explain the feeling in your chest that you had to read it. in the end, you were right. there was a reason you felt that urge, a reason you felt in your chest. it was to protect you. to protect yourself from looking stupid for any longer.

when you began to read it, you felt wrong doing it. you felt dirty and like it was an invasion of privacy. that didn't last longer than a second. you didn't read anything before the day she said yes, not wanting to invade her privacy to that extant. you just had to know what she felt the day that she accepted your outing.

you deserved to know. you deserved to know that she didn't love you. that she only used you. that you were just a joke to her. you deserved to know that you have yourself to someone who didn't deserve it. that you had reserved yourself for so long just to fall into her trap. fuck her.

the door opened behind you but you didn't flinch. your eyes were trained on the book on the desk in front of you. you didn't even turn when she spoke. "my parents are on their way home, they said they want us to go to lunch with them but only if your comfortable. they can be a little overwhelming" she admitted with a small chuckle. her words didn't register, you didn't have the mind to think about the fact that her parents were actually trying with you after telling their daughter that they wanted her to date a guy. they were never disrespectful or all that homophobic but they did express the fact that they wanted their daughter to be with someone that wouldn't cause others to hate her. you should've listened to them.

Shaunas brows furrowed in slight confusion at your lack of words. her mouth opened to speak but it shut just as quickly when you turned around, her diary in your hand.

"what is this?" you asked, eerily calm. Shauna looked confused at first, her eyes moved away from you and to the book in an instant before she looked at you once more. there was panic in her eyes and you didn't miss the way they glanced at it twice more before she finally took a step toward you.

she didn't get far, just enough so that she wasn't across the room from you. "you read my journal?" she asked, both hurt and panic written all over her features.

you scoffed in disbelief. "what the fuck is this Shauna?" you pressed, not at all caring what she to say about you. it didn't matter that you fucked up by invading her privacy, not in that moment.

at your angry tone and the anger swirling in your eyes, her panic officially set in. she had to fix it. "just let me explain," she said quickly, taking a step toward you but you flinched causing her to freeze in her spot. she had fucked up majorly. she knew that. god did she know that. it didn't matter what she said or did, you wouldn't forgive her and she couldn't blame you.

"no." you said firmly while holding your hand up so she wouldn't come any closer to you. "tell me what the fuck this is." the words were stern and your tone was harsh. they left a heavy tension in the air and they cut deep into Shaunas heart. you'd never been like this. never with her. there were barely any arguments and when there were, they were small and were resolved usually in the same day. this wouldn't be the same.

Shaunas eyes began to water and it was taking everything in you to not match her emotions. it was taking everything in you to remain angry instead of broken, to show that you were pissed off and not that you were feeling the heaviest heartbreak you've ever felt in your existence. "please," she said desperately, holding her hands together in front of her in an almost begging manner. "i-" as she began to speak you cut her off.

"you what? you were so fucking jealous of your best friend you decided you'd settle for me?" you clapped back. you knew your words would hurt and you accomplished it. you knew Jackie was always Shaunas biggest insecurity and you promised yourself to never use it against her and yet here you were, doing just that.

Shauna ignored your harsh words "please just let me explain" she repeated, hoping that you would just listen.

"explain what?" you chuckled dryly, "explain the fact that you used me?"

Shauna shook her head quickly, "at first," she said making you shake your head angrily but she didn't stop there. she was panicking to finish what she had to say or you'd leave. she knew you'd leave. "not after i realized how much i actually liked you" she tried but instead of making you feel some type of love, it made you feel angrier.

"when did you know?"

"y/n" she begged but you didn't budge.

"when did you fucking know Shauna." you snapped. you needed to know when her feelings changed. when she thought you were enough for her to love, if she ever even did love you. you needed to know when it wasn't just about her needing a lover and instead needing you.

the brunettes eyes shifted away from you and to the ground for a split second. "on our first date"

her words somehow made you angrier, you couldn't explain it. "don't lie to me!"

"i'm not!"

it was silent. you tried to process her words. she knew on your first date meaning she had only initially wanted to use you. was she even being honest? or was she just saying that to try and soothe things over? did she love you or did she still want someone to warm her bed? and after the anger came sadness. she used you. the girl you were oh so in love with, used you. it was after that in which your tears couldn't be stopped. not even if you tried. when Shauna realized your teary eyes, her heart dropped. she did this.

you shook your head, "i don't believe you," you said, a tear rolling down your cheek making you wipe it away furiously.

it made Shauna speak faster than her brain could process. "that day was everything to me. you made me feel a way i never had before. every time you looked at me i could feel it in my stomach, every time you would tell me about a 'friend' i just wanted that to be me. i wanted it to be me in your life. that's why i kissed you." she explained, hoping you would believe her. wishing you could understand how much losing you was scaring her.

that wasn't enough. it could never be enough. her words couldn't fix the betrayal you felt. her words wouldn't take away the fact that she only went out with you because she was alone and you were you as she put it. "fuck you" you spat, angrily wiping away all of your tears.

Shauna shook her head "please" she begged once more. she took a step forward, not caring that you were stepping away. she didn't stop until you were pressed against her desk but she didn't reach out to touch you, not able to go that far.

"no Shauna." you said pushing at her chest "fuck you! it was always real to me! i didn't have to hear you talk about some friend to know i liked you. you know how much last night meant to me, how much i wanted it to be with someone that loved me as much i loved them." you cried, your voice breaking at the end. her own eyes began to water at the sight.

"but i do! i love you!" she exclaimed, desperation dripping in her voice.

it could've been enough. it should have. but it wasn't. it just wasn't. "no you don't! i didn't have to force myself to like you! i just did! i fucking love you and that's me! not some fucking way to make myself feel better for always being in my friends shadow." you shouted, the words hurt her. you knew that. you intended that. you wanted her to hurt just as much as she had hurt you.

"you don't mean that." she shook her head, her face contorted in pain.

"i fucking do. we're over. leave me alone and don't you dare try to contact me again." you grit out and pushed the brunette completely off of your body. Shauna caught herself on the bed and watched as your stormed out of her room with tears streaming down your face and a broken heart.

cries could be heard throughout the house. your sobs echoed and they left everyone in the room with a heavy heart. your parents weren't home yet, you were thankful for that. you weren't sure what you would do if they were. they loved Shauna and you didn't want to tell them that you were wrong about her, she wasn't the sweetest girl in the world. she didn't deserve your love and you in fact couldn't be with her forever. what a funny thing. how funny of you to ever have thought that you could be with her forever.

"y/n/n" Lottie mumbled softly, her hand caressing your back in soothing circles. you couldn't feel it though, you couldn't feel anything but the pain in your chest.

"it's hurts so much" you cried into Lotties chest. your hand was clutching your shirt and your face was blotched and puffy by now. Taissa, on the other hand, was pissed. as soon as she heard Lottie tell her what happened, she threatened to go beat Shauna up but Lottie knew that was the last thing you wanted. Van was there too, on your  right with her hand on your shoulder to show you that she was there.

"i know." Lottie whispered softly. she didn't know. she didn't know what it was like to love someone that much. you were so in love that truthfully, no one believed that type of love even existed.

it did. to you.

Van looked at her girlfriend with a glare making the brunettes eyebrows furrow. the ginger girl rolled her eyes before motioning to you with her head. it was then that she understood what she meant. the brunette sighed softly and finally turned toward you. she took a step forward and bent down on one knee, her hands reaching for yours to get your attention. your red eyes turned toward her in slight confusion.

"she's not worth it, y/n" she said softly, expecting her words to bring you comfort but instead they made you cry harder and Lottie reached over to hit her arm with 'what the fuck' look. Taissa shrugged her shoulder holding her hands in confusion making Lottie shake her head. they seemed to have a silent conversation that was too loud and it was as if you could hear them.

"i love her" you cried, "she's my everything. she's literally the air i need to live and i feel like i'm dying," you continued. Taissa looked stunned by your words. her words weren't enough. nothing she could say would change your broken heart.

she nodded her head, "okay" she said lowly and stood up. you looked a little confused until you felt her pull you into her body into a tight hug. "im here. we're all here." she reassured.

but she wasn't here, and that's all you really wanted.

the change was hard. going from being with someone for six months straight and seeing them almost every day in those six months to avoiding her as much as you could was a lot. all you did was avoid her. you had classes together and in those classes you switched seats with whoever you were friends with in that class. you went from being lectured by your teacher in those classes for talking and laughing to being completely silent and paying attention to the class. your group of friends, or at least your old friends began to hang out with you again. even Mason began to talk to you again, thinking that in some magical way you were sad enough to rely on him. that would never happen.

you walked the halls with most of the cheer girls and some of the jocks, you went back to sitting with those friends at lunch too. you didn't have Shaunas hand to hold and she didn't hold your backpack and books as she walked you to your next class. everyday at lunch you watched the table you would sit at with Shauna. most of the time you would sit with Lottie, Taissa and Van but sometimes you would sit alone. those times, you spent it giggling and gushing with the girl, everyone else just disappeared.

Shauna didn't like your old friends and after sitting at the table just once she told you that she felt uncomfortable which started the day in which you avoided them as much as you could. you did everything for her. what a joke.

soccer was over so you didn't have to deal with seeing her everyday in the locker room or at practice. she had tried talking to you a couple of times but each and every time you would have a friend, whether they were the 'popular' ones who talked to you so you could ignore her or the three musketeers who would glare at her. there was an instance in which Taissa got a little too aggressive which just angered you. it was between you and Shauna and you didn't need anyone fighting your fights.

spending weekends with your girlfriend went to partying with your friends and crying in your room. your parents had noticed, it was impossible for them not to have noticed. the breakup hit you hard in more than one way and they were the first to notice. you barely ate, you were either never home and if you were, you'd spend it listening to music and crying your eyes out.

and just like that, a month had passed and it was prom. what was supposed to be a magical day with your girlfriend turned into going alone with people who didn't even know you. not really.

for what it was worth, Shauna didn't give up with a lack of trying. she'd buy you flowers and leave them on your locker or doorstep. she'd write you letters or notes but you never had it in you to read them. you just couldn't. nothing she could say could take away the embarrassment and humiliation you felt every time you thought about it.

the dress you had chosen for the night was black and long. it was tight against your body and it had a slit running up your left leg. your hair was curled and your makeup was light. you had arrived in a limo with your friends. you wanted to ride with Lottie but they had been so annoying that you couldn't say no. it's not like Lottie minded, Van and Taissa were going with her anyway.

unfortunately, you didn't take into account that Mason would be going with you and god did he not take no for an answer. he wasn't too touchy, he'd just put his arm around you or call you beautiful far too many times. not to mention the fact that all he did was talk about how you were single now and so was he. why couldn't he take the hint? you weren't interested in him or anyone else for that matter. you loved Shauna and you weren't sure if that would ever change.

at some point you detached from the group and went to your other friends, who were all more than happy to see you. originally, you didn't want to go, not without the girl that you loved but they had been the ones to convince you to go. there was no point in mourning alone when you could be doing it with your friends, maybe even getting drunk. that sounded amazing. getting drunk and forgetting about everything you had gone through.

until your eyes landed on her. until you saw the girl of your dream standing across the room from you in her beautiful dress. it was dark green and long and it outlined all of her curves. she looked perfect. in they eyes of a goddess, she was perfect. every inch, every little part about her would put angels to shame. and when you saw her, it was as if the air had been knocked out of your body. it was as if you had been smacked in the back and you had to recover from such a harsh blow. the brunette was beside Jackie and Jeff who were too engrossed with each other to even look at her. until her eyes finally found yours.

it was the first time she had seen you that night and it showed. in the way her face turned red and the way her eyes widened and they raked down your body over and over again. you were beautiful in her eyes and the sad part was, you believed that. even though you wished you didn't, you knew she loved you in the end. it was impossible to fake something to that extent. but it didn't change the fact that she only saw you as a tool in her plot at the beginning, it didn't change the fact that you weren't sure you could ever trust her again.

as much as you felt love, you felt heartbreak and watching the way she looked at you with nothing but love, just broke you even more. instantly your eyes looked away from the brunette and you tried to focus on whatever it was Taissa and Lottie were talking about.

but even then you could feel the way your heart was constructing against your chest, the way your breathing was growing labored and the way all of your muscles tensed. it was too much. you couldn't be there, it didn't matter what your friends had said over and over again, you couldn't be in the same room as her and not feel how much love you have for her.

"im gonna get some air" you rushed out as quickly as you possible could before turning your body and leaving before anyone could stop you. Taissa and Lottie were about to chase you but they were stopped by Van who saw the way Shauna had started to rush out the door the second you looked away.

"Van-" Taissa snapped, about go off on her girlfriend for stopping her but the ginger girl shook her head.

"let them. they have to talk about it" she said.

Lottie sighed heavily, "she's right."

by the time you made it passed the doors, Shauna was hot on your heel. "y/n!" she said loudly, trying to get your attention.

all you could do was shake your head. "no." you said, tears already building and making your eyesight blurry. you couldn't do this.

"please." the brunette begged, you could hear the desperation in her voice but you couldn't. you just couldn't. your body turned and you were met with an equally upset Shauna.

"i can't." you shook your head. "i can't, Shauna" you replied with a trembling jaw. she looked like she wanted to take a step forward but she stopped herself from doing so, afraid you'd run away.

"im sorry. please know i'm sorry." she begged.

her words didn't help, in fact they only made your pain worsen. "how am i supposed to forgive you? how am i supposed to ever trust you again?" you cried, throwing your hands up in frustration.

Shauna shook her head. "i'll do anything. you know i will. just tell me what i can do to make this better." she cried. could she make this better? could anything in the world fix the humiliation you felt when you read that book?

you weren't sure anymore but you didn't have to think about it because you were being saved by an unlikely hero.

the black beat up car rolled up beside you and the passenger door window opened to reveal a blonde with smudged liner and an unlit cigarette in her hand. "everything good?" she asked, her eyes darting between each girl.

"can you take me home?" you rushed out before Shauna could answer for you. the blonde looked a bit surprised at first, you two weren't exactly friends.

"uh.." she trailed off about to say no but when she saw how desperate you were, she sighed. "get in." she said motioning to the back door. you didn't have to be told twice.

as soon as you stepped inside your bedroom door, you took off your dress and threw your body onto the bed. you were drained, emotionally, mentally and physically. you knew going was a bad idea but you let yourself be swayed by the three people who convinced you to go to school that day. maybe if you would have said no, Shauna wouldn't have the opportunity to ask you out. maybe she would've backed down. maybe your heart wouldn't be torn in two.

of course, your conversation in the parking lot wasn't enough for the brunette. she couldn't let you go. not then and not ever. she loved you too much and she knew you loved her too. she'd never experienced such a feeling and she was sure she'd never be able to again.

so she did exactly what you told her during your first date. did the only thing that could maybe make you realize she did love you. that she made a mistake and that everyday from the day she wrote that stupid entry, she wished she could take it back.

the song was low at first, just a soft humming that could be confused with a car driving past with loud music. until the song grew louder to the point in which it caught your attention. it was close to your house. your brows furrowed and you slowly lifted your face that was buried deep into the pillow. your makeup was smudged and you could feel the stickiness of your mascara along with tears on your face.

considering how you looked, you wanted to ignore it but it was getting hard to the longer they stayed. it was someone who obviously wanted someone’s attention, you just weren’t who yet. with an eye roll, you got up from your bed and went to your mirror first so you could wipe away the smudged mascara and wipe away the still wet tears that were falling. when you thought you looked okay or at least not completely and utterly broken, you went to your window and pulled back the curtains.

the sight before you was something you most definitely weren’t expecting. anything but that. maybe some annoying kids playing music too loud or a neighbor with their radio on but never would you have imagined to see your ex girlfriend standing in your front lawn with a boombox above her head. anything but that.

suddenly nothing mattered and suddenly she hadn’t broken your heart. she wasn’t Shauna Shipman, the ex that had completely destroyed you and any chance at wanting to fall in love. she wasn’t the one who wrote those things in her diary but instead the one who kissed you in her car. the one who would hold your hand in class when you’d get anxious, the one who’d stay sober when you’d drink, who would let you fall asleep first so you didn’t feel alone, the one who would let you put your legs under hers even though she hated it. the Shauna that you fell so utterly in love with.

without a chance to second guess yourself, you turned away from the window and ran out of your room. your hurried footsteps echoed throughout the house making your dad ask what the commotion was about. you didn’t even think to answer as you reached the front door and whirled it open making a gush of wind enter the house. it didn’t matter that you were shoeless and that you were letting her in again. it didn’t matter because she was Shauna, your Shauna.

the brunettes eyes widened when she saw you rush out of the house and she quickly dropped the boombox as you ran toward her. it was like deja vu as she caught you in her arms. you did the thing you had been wanting to do since you broke up, the thing you dreamed of. your lips crashed down on hers in a passionate, love filled kiss.

it dripped with emotion, with sadness, ache, longing but overall love and adoration. each of you loved each other so passionately that you couldn’t stay away. not for a moment longer. it was easy to say you’d never let her in again but seeing her there, doing the thing you told her you’d always wanted, you couldn’t resist. this was Shauna, even if she was also the one who wrote those things in her journal, it didn’t change the fact that you fell in love. it just didn’t.

tears began to fall once more causing you to pull away. Shauna had a matching expression and you could feel those tears on your lips. “im sorry.” she said quickly. “im so sorry, i never meant to hurt you and i promise i’ll never do it again. i promise-”

you shook your head and leaned down to kiss her gently. when you pulled away, the brunette finally set you down on the ground and you took advantage of it to wipe away her tears with your thumb. both of your hands were holding her face gently. “i know. i know you are and i know it won’t be easy to get over it but i want to try. i want to try for us.” because losing her hurt way more than loving her and you couldn’t put yourself through that any longer.

you couldn’t explain it and maybe a lot of people wouldn’t understand it, including your friends but it didn’t matter. Shauna Shipman was a good person, a good girlfriend and someone worthy of love and forgiveness. you just couldn’t bring yourself to stay away from her any longer. not now and scarily enough, maybe not ever.

“i promise you everything i’ve said is real. i promise my love for you is real. it was always real.” Shauna said, her eyes still watering. neither of you knew if it was from sadness or love or maybe both. maybe it was sadness you felt of being away from the person you loved so much.

your lips quirked into a gentle smile at her words, “i love you.” you said softly. Shaunas lips matched yours and you felt the way she pulled you into her by your waist, this time not waiting for you to initiate it.

“i love you so much more.” she responded before you felt a pair of soft lips come crashing down on your own.

you’d be okay.

[krookodyke]

do you have any hcs for which yellowjackets are jewish?

anon by sending this ask you have secured a spot as my best friend. please come over for challah & kugel on shabbat this week.

ANYWAYS obviously clearly shauna is jewish. it’s a very certain and specific vibe… i think both of her parents are, her bubby on her mom’s side came over just before WWII and her dad’s family has been in The Area since the early 20th century i’d think. she doesn’t really GAF about her own judaism but jackie thinks it’s soooooo cool. jackie pulled up to the shipman family seder once when they were smaller kids and was like WOWIE ZOWIE! that’s also because jackie loves shauna’s family so very much and they love her, LOL, so by proxy she loves anything jewish because it’s associated w that joy. i’ve actually written a fic about shauna’s bat mitzvah (she’s acutely miserable) i also have a fic in the works that’s shauna sitting shiva for jackie… YAAAAYYY MISERY! 🖤

because i tend to project i really want to say van is jewish… but in a distant way. i’m thinking there’s a paternal jew slay there, in that her dad was jewish but didn’t want to raise his kids jewish and after he died (i’d think when van was little but small enough to remember, like she was maybe 8) it was like. Well. and her mom is suuuuuper catholic so there’s not much space for her to explore it. she probably has a bunch of her dad’s old judaica but just has it sealed away in a box in the attic or something… honestly i don’t think (crash or no crash) van ever saw any sort of faith fitting into her life (or at least her life out of the Wilderness), much less judaism, so it’s just something she doesn’t do. vicky palmer gives me irish american vibes, but like Assimilated (like her family came over a Good amount of time ago) and van most likely did irish dancing as a kid much to her chagrin. poor girl!

i think nat’s dad is italian catholic but her mom is lowkey jewish. like nat’s maternal grandma was jewish but she died when nat was really little and her mom doesn’t talk about it and just won’t. something interesting about nat’s mom is that she’s very, like, submissive, and will just succumb to the circumstance and doesn’t really challenge things. because of this nat knows she’s locked off, she’s a sealed box, and won’t talk about anything regarding her parents to nat. it’s distant and a sore subject and nat doesn’t like to talk about it really either, especially because her mom doesn’t even talk to her own dad (nat’s grandpa) anymore. might be because of that might be because of Something Else. who knows!

but tl;dr i think miss shipman is Definitely a bonafide new jersey jew, with nat and van being Jew-ish but it’s not really something they can talk about or ask about further. i would love to write (or see!) a fic about the yellowjackets coming over for a passover seder at shauna’s house on the second night… i think it would be very fun & sweet & slay. as east coast girls it’s just improbable that None of them are jewish… and at the very least i hope we get shauna jewish confirmation… it’s so needed.

[clerati]

Tag Game: Pick your top two favorite characters from five of your fandoms and explain why. Bonus points if the two characters have some sort of relationship (romantic, platonic, etc).

I was tagged by @talesofruby01. Thanks for the tag!

I did six fandoms, because at first I could only think of three and then I thought of six. Oh well.

Gilmore Girls - Jess Mariano and Paris Geller

Gossip Girl - Serena van der Woodsen and Jenny Humphrey (sorry Blair!)

Yellowjackets - Jackie Taylor and Shauna Sadecki née Shipman

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (TMMM) - Luke Kirby's Lenny Bruce and Astrid Weissman (sorry Imogene!)

The Vampire Diaries - Elena Gilbert and Katerina/Katherine Petrova/Peirce (Nina Dobrev supremacy!)

The Hunger Games (THG) - Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark

Tagging: @dayenurose, @stellaluna33, @strideofpride, @hydesjackiespuddinpop

Explanations on my choices under the cut! You're about to find out way too much about me via the blorbos :)

Gilmore Girls - Jess Mariano and Paris Geller

Criminally robbed of the besties bonus points I deserve...

Jess Mariano is my character of all time. I'll fight you. The highlights: Jess comes from an abusive, loveless family situation and is a bit prickly from the ordeal (both to himself and others), but is just such a goodhearted and hardworking person that he gets out the other side with both loving relationships (with himself and others) and a good, safe life that he’s built for himself. Character of all time!!! Who does it for us like Jess Mariano?

Paris is incredibly ambitious and a little bit of a bitch (in a cool, sexy way), and therefore I love her. Also, your honor she’s a repressed lesbian. These things happen. And I will never get over how quickly she comes to understand Marxist theory when working her first job. She was never a snob; she literally was just never exposed to anything outside the upper-class.

My man Jess would have helped her with that and it would have been amazing. And he would have been comfortable living in that scary apartment with her (and Doyle) and Rory.

Gossip Girl - Serena van der Woodsen and Jenny Humphrey

When I have to shorthand my self, I say "I'm a Serena van der Woodsen type". The only reason I relate more to her than Jess in terms of self is because Serena and I shared the incredible lows of teenage girldom (plus we’re both exceptionally beautiful). Also, Jess never did drugs (cigarettes count, but they don't, also I don't think they were really a habit). Good for him! Don't do drugs! Serena definitely did drugs, and she started them (and boys, who don’t love her but sure do think she’s pretty!) very young. The incredible lows of teenage girldom... and how they stick to you into womanhood... She tries so hard to “change” when really she needs to change her situation, but that’s the struggle... How do you leave everyone and everything you’ve ever loved? And even if you could, is there really anywhere on earth you can escape the incredible lows of girldom/womanhood?

Which brings me to Jenny Humphrey. I’m not even gonna start on the incredible lows of teenage girldom because just watch the show, my poor girl... ANYWAY! Did I mention that I love seeing ambition in girls and women? She’s the living embodiment of going after what you want, *and she’s earned it*. She becomes Queen, not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES, and it was only sort of on purpose once!! And do not get me started on her high school fashion career. It kills me that her family wasn’t more supportive, but I know she’ll be successful because literally no one and nothing could ever stop her. And, I know this one is probably a hot take, but I honestly think she’s a really good person. She fights against the corrupting force of the UES better than most, and she is a really sweet and earnest person when she feels safe enough to just be herself.

Yellowjackets - Jackie Taylor and Shauna Sadecki née Shipman

Bonus points: They're in love! (Yes, present tense.)

Talking about teenage girldom and how it sticks to you into womanhood... I could write essays, but I'll just say this. Jackie is my favorite. She's most of us (I say assuming my experiences are universal). She is the metaphor for what happens when you devote yourself to the role assigned at teenage girlhood (it makes you repressed, i.e. the death of the self).

Shauna is a metaphor for all the fight it takes to survive teenage girldom into womanhood, and how it's a never-ending fight (she's the friend/lover, she's the mother/daughter, she's the hater/butcher/killer).

Teenage girldom is traumatic experience and it colors your adulthood, and that's the show, but also these two characters are the clearest metaphors on that main theme. Everything is a metaphor!!! Also, they're both sides of the repressed sapphic romantic-friendship. Hard relate, my girls!

TMMM - Luke Kirby's Lenny Bruce and Astrid Weissman

Some of you may be asking, Why not Midge? Why not Susie? Well, this is my list and I do what I want.

Luke Kirby's Lenny Bruce needs no explanation. He is the dream man. He's earnest and exceptionally romantic, and there's something about him you can't help find admirable to the point of inspirational. Maybe it's that he's brave and honest. Maybe it's that he's ambitious in that way that's hard to be as a woman. Maybe he's just really charming, because he's that for sure. But, of course, he's a mess too. Who isn't?

Astrid Weissman! She's so so so funny. She's not trying to be funny. She's not making jokes. She's just delightful! Also, all of us out there swimming in cultures that are not those in-which we were raised. Astrid Weissman has got you with her over-correcting, overcompensating, and just sheer enthusiasm. You go, Astrid!

The Vampire Diaries - Elena Gilbert and Katerina/Katherine Petrova/Peirce

Bonus points: They're related/doppelgangers!

UGH! If they aren’t the dichotomy of self, idk what is!!!

Elena is *such* a good person. She is literally the martyr she is such a good person. She loves and she will die for that love. That’s Elena. But it’s all about circumstances. Elena is an orphan (she had a beautiful, loving family before they died) suffering from survivor’s guilt, and she’s mostly keeping herself together with her love for her loved ones. If she isn’t living for them, she’s just gonna disappear.

Now, Katerina/Katherine, she’s got kind of the opposite thing going on. She had her newborn baby she loved very much ripped from her arms before being disowned by her family and banished from her hometown. She has no one who loves her and no one to love. She holds herself together with love of self or she’s just gonna disappear. And that she does. She is a ruthless pragmatist, because she has to be to survive. Because the world is harsh and cruel (and frankly really sexist), but she’s clever and strong, and she survives. That’s what she does. Elena dies for you. Katerina/Katherine survives despite you. Everything is a metaphor!!! My favorite thing about Katerina/Katherine is that she doesn’t *just* survive. No, she *loves* life. She’ll literally be being held captive by a vampire who has been hunting her relentlessly for hundreds of years, and she’ll take a moment alone in the house to drink and dance, because what’s a spare moment if it’s not being lived? Life is not just about survival.

THG - Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark

Bonus points: They're basically soulmates!

Here's the thing. Katniss is a survivor/pragmatist with zero social skills, but an endless and earnest pit of love and enough passion to literally fuel a revolution.

Peeta is a child abuse victim who has learned to wield social manipulation (the charm offensive! plus literally lying!), but hasn't met an honest expression of emotion in his life (until he figures he's about to die so he might as well tell Katniss she's pretty) and doesn't know how to receive love.

They literally just fit each other. Peeta is charming when Katniss literally cannot. Katniss helps him survive when he's literally dying in a river camouflaged in mud and plants. But most importantly, Peeta teaches Katniss how to live in more than just survival mode, and Katniss reaches into her deep well of love and teaches Peeta how to be loved. Everything is a metaphor, but your honor, they are the couple of all time!!!