#anyway no you have to literally convince and beg and force health care workers to HELP u

[bunnihearted]

the thing is i hate seeking medical attention for anything bc health care workers are rude af and i hate them, i hate talking to them bc they suck soooo much energy out of you. they're supposed to be there for you, but it really is the other way around lol. no i hate talking to them bc they're so unpleasant to talk to or even be around. you have to literally demand them to help you even a little bit, and im too exhausted. they arent even nice or helpful in the slightest smh

[my-dog-is-a-carpet-blog]

I have been severely inactive in the last two years. And, though I am sure that very few people will care, I want to talk about how a somewhat small thing changed my life in the biggest way possible.

As probably no one knows, I have anxiety. My anxiety was made apparent to me in 7th grade when I transferred to a school where I experienced a lot of academic pressure. Then, I switched schools again, this time to where I knew literally no one.

But anyway, I have been battling my anxiety for nearly five years, the worst being in 9th grade when I couldn’t even walk down the hall without experiencing an anxiety attack and usually couldn’t recover from one until time to walk through the halls again.

I had very few friends, and I was known, even by people who didn’t know me, as the girl that never talked.  

During freshman year, I felt like I had nowhere to turn, but during sophomore year I had a small hole to squeeze through to escape my anxiety for a little bit. That small hole was a coding class that I took, I was surrounded by computer nerds that also had anxiety, but they didn’t let their mental health define them. This was a class that I could recognize that I was good at something without feeling like I was bragging. And, as we usually worked in teams, I could actually connect with people. 

But now to the real start of the story. There was a contest that my school participated in, a web design contest where teams create a website for a school affiliation. The winners of this contest won a trip to San Francisco to tour big technology companies. I wanted to win that trip so badly, and so did the two friends that I made in my coding class. 

We worked for 6 months on a website for our school band, and it was beautiful. I am more proud of that website than anything else I have ever done. And I felt in my gut that we were going to succeed in winning that trip.

Fast forward to the day we found out who won, and I was the only one from my team that won. That pushed me into a state of anxiety, because I was going to be going across the country with a bunch of people that I didn't know. For the next month I freaked the fuck out everyday, and I wanted to back out but my family assured me that I would be okay and they threatened to disown me if I didn’t go... so...

I made a friend about 3 minutes into the trip, you know.. extroverts adopting introverts and shit like that. I also spotted a pretty cute dude, so that was a plus, although I didn’t even talk to him until the last day. I didn't feel as much anxiety as I thought I would, which was a huge fucking relief. And that trip changed my life. 

I saw that there is much more out there for me than staying in a hick town in the south, and that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. We went to google, where I have dreamed of working since I was 8. And we saw so many amazing places that I didn’t know existed, AND THEY ALL GIVE THEIR WORKERS FREE FOOD!! I discovered that I actually like big cities, even if they do smell like weed and shit.

I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself when I got home, because I had been doing so much for the last few days and suddenly I was doing nothing. But my anxiety was virtually gone for a while.

Now back to the cute boy, I actually talked to him on the last day of the trip, and we kind of hit it off, but as friends, kind of. And I am a bit of an Insta-stalker, so I found him on Instagram, followed him, and we’ve been talking ever since.(which is currently 101 days)

He has given me quite a lot of confidence, as I don’t usually have friends that I talk to everyday outside of school. And he somewhat convinced me to transfer to his school. And I fucking hated my other school so I jumped right on with that idea because it would give me a fresh start, and a chance to see my friends from my old school district.

I thought that I would experience a ton of anxiety, that’s what usually happens when change happens. But, this school is half the size of my other one, and it is for people who are focused on academics. They treat every class equally, like art class isn't put below science class. They actually have involved clubs, the clubs at my old school were basically ’give us money and your name will be on a list of “members”’ but they didn’t actually do anything. The teachers and staff actually care about the students, they care about learning every student’s name and making sure their school experience is a good one. The counselors care about making sure student’s have classes they want, I practically begged for two years to be put in an art class at my old school and never got one, but here I said that I like art and they immediately put me in art.

I haven’t experienced severe anxiety at this school, and I even volunteered for a part in the class play without being forced into a part, and I didn’t turn beet red while playing the part either. I actually enjoyed it. I walk down the hall everyday, and I have yet to experience an anxiety attack. I‘m not known as the girl who never talks, and I actually have friends. I still talk to my cute guy everyday, and though the lunch food is still sickening, I am fucking HAPPY.

I know that my anxiety is not gone, but I no longer allow it to define my life, and I hope that everyone who has faced anxiety can someday also look it in the face and tell it to fuck off.

TLDR: I have anxiety, and won a trip to California. I made friends and was convinced to transfer schools. My anxiety has somewhat diminished.