#anyway no matter how much shit about long distance friendship today i am honestly still excited about meeting up with m

[catchmewjsn]

honestly idk how do ppl I have crushes on act like they don't know.. like how do you perfect the task so much that you're like this I could never do that with such an obvious person as me

[dadoroki]

Reminder [3]

Dabi x F!Reader x Hawks

Description: the final chapter to the story ends here. You’re given an ultimatum, having to choose between your painful past and your current present.

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]

A/N: I can’t believe it’s been about 7-8 months since I wrote part 1. Whoops!

“Not so hard, Keigo.”

You hissed in pain as the man dabbed the cold cloth on your facial injuries. “Not my fault you wanted to play hero and fight all those Nomus yourself.”

If it wasn’t for him, you wouldn’t have been alive. Iv tubes were hooked onto you and the beeping sound of the monitor aggravated you more than the nagging winged-man himself.

“Yeah well someone had to do it.” The sunset highlighted your face and Keigo couldn’t help but fall distracted. The moment was cut short the minute he heard a loud screech coming out of you. While being distracted, Keigo had accidentally pressed deeply into your wound and in return, you punched his arm. “Ow, sorry sorry.”

“Whatever.” You groaned as you laid back down, facing your back towards him. He was about to question your sudden change in attitude but sensed a weird aura around. Getting up from his seat, he headed towards the door in a hurry. “I’ll come by tomorrow alright? There’s something I gotta deal with.” Without looking back at him, you gave a weak wave.

He quietly shut the door to your room but before he could turn the corner, a voice caught him off guard. “So you and Y/N, huh? Never thought she’d go for someone so low.” How did he know your real name? A low chuckle left Hawks’s lips. He turned around and sent a fake smile followed by a wave. “Oh, I’m sorry. Have we met before? Oh right! I sent dozens of my feathers at you. Hope it didn’t kill ya too much!”

Dabi clenched his teeth, roughly pushing himself off the wall. “I’m gonna burn you to pieces you little chicken shit. You hear me?” Hawks playfully held his hands up. “Woah, calm down buddy! But if you’re serious, why don’t we take it somewhere else?”

~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

And that’s exactly what happened. The two men faced eachother with two different expressions. One held eyes full of rage and anger while the other was smug and laid-back.

“What’s with the face? Makes you look even more uglier than you already are.”

“Shut the hell up.”

Hawks rubbed his chin, observing the man infront of him while thinking deeply. “I still don’t get it. Why do you hate me so much?”

Dabi only scoffed in response. “Enough talking. When I’m done with you, I’ll be sure to give Y/N your burnt chicken wings as a present.”

Hawks didn’t have time to think as blue flames ignited his way. He flew around the abandoned area, the flames following close and burning everything behind him. Now it was his turn to strike. He flew towards Dabi, a long red feather making it’s way into his hand and he striked. Dabi managed to dodge all his attacks with ease, causing the winged hero to flinch. “Huh, you’re so weak. I don’t understand Y/N.”

Hawks ignored his instigation, attempting to hit him at least once but continuously missing all his shots again. “Look at you, you can’t even hit me. Why would she pick a weak man like you? You couldn’t even protect her.”

Emotions ran deep inside Hawks. More specifically guilt? Insecurity? Deep down, he knew everything Dabi said was nothing but the truth. He couldn’t protect you and for that, his worth for you was a newly engraved insecurity. That sadness turned into matched anger, causing him to hold a tighter grip on his feather and putting all force into the swing.

Dabi let out a maniacal laugh, gripping onto the man’s wrist and throwing him onto the ground. He watched unapologetic as Hawks squirmed beneath him in pain. He reached down to his jacket pocket and took out a shiny object, twisting it between his fingers above the injured hero in a taunting manner. “Keigo Takami.”

Once the name reached his ears, he froze in sheer horror. First your name and now his? He slowly realized the shiny object was the promise ring he gave you. “You.” The unstable man continued with poisonous venom leaking from the single word. “It’s all because of you. Y/N no longer cares about me and that’s all because of you! I’ve always despised you Keigo. Even when we were kids.”

Hawks was at a loss for words. He was in disbelief, unable to comprehend the situation. “I’ve always despised you since the day we met. The day I realized my feelings for Y/N. But of course, you just had to be in my way. You were always in my way.” Dabi psychotically laughed, recalling the memories like it was yesterday. “You know, I used to blame Y/N for not knowing how I felt. But I loved her so much and felt stupid for even thinking about blaming her.”

Dabi laid his hand flat on Hawks’s face, watching the man hiss in pain as the light heat made contact to his skin. “And then I started to blame myself. I was the reason why she didn’t love me back. I wasn’t good enough for her.” The heat began to increase, making the hero groan in pain. If the first one didn’t leave a burn mark, this one definitely did. “But then I realized it wasn’t my fault nor was it her’s. It was yours, Keigo. Did you know I was planning on killing you back then? To pretend it was a double accident? I was gonna kill you but then I thought about Y/N. She’d be alone and depressed out of her mind and so I chose to spare your life. Man, was I stupid for that.”

With that, he removed his hand to reveal a complete burn mark along the hero’s left side. He stood up and dusted himself off, facing his hand towards the half concious man lying helplessly on the ground. “You ruined my life Keigo Takami and now, I’m about to end your’s.”

Before Dabi could finish him off once and for all, a pleading voice called out for him in a distance. “Touya, please! Stop it!” The voice was so pure and angelic that Dabi couldn’t help but retrace back to the old days. Back when he was Touya. He slowly let his hand fall, backing away from Hawks.

Dabi was undoubtedly a powerful man. However, no matter how powerful or strong you are, everyone has their own weakness. And for him, it was you.

You limped over as fast as you could, the pain from days prior still taking in effect. “You need to let this go. This was all in the past.”

“The past can come back to haunt you.”

“The Touya I know wouldn’t do that.”

“I’m not Touya.”

“You are to me. You’ll always be Touya.”

That’s all it took for Dabi to be wrapped around your fingers. Those eyes once filled with hatred and rage were replaced with sadness and despair. In that moment, he fell completely vulnerable to you. “Just choose me damnit, Y/N.”

You rose a brow, confused at his words. “I know we have our differences but my feelings for you never changed. You promised me you’d always choose me so why can’t you just do that goddamnit?”

You realized at that point, you were given two critical choices. These two choices would lead to two very different outcomes.

Firstly, there was Touya. He wasn’t the same person he was back then but nonetheless, you still made a promise to him. Plus, it was hard to see him as Dabi when all you saw was Touya. Deep down, you were aware that some feelings were still there for him though you definitely wouldn’t admit it.

Secondly, there was Keigo. You always saw him as a friend but as time went on, it was like the friendship turned out to be a stepping stone for something new. Honestly speaking, you already imagined what it would be like to have a future with him.

The time to choose was now. You deeply sighed, getting ready to reveal your answer.

~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

You stood infront of the mirror, taking a full look at yourself. Who would’ve thought the day would come for you to finally get married. A long white dress that made you look like a princess, your hair pinned up, and a sparkling veil travelling from the top of your head all the way down to your dress. The final piece was a necklace which you were having trouble putting on.

“You need help?”

Glancing back, you saw that beautiful faint smile to which you returned. The man made his way behind you and took the necklace from your hands. You watched as he clipped the chains together and smiled, matching his gaze through the mirror. “Thank you, Touya.”

“Anything for you.” He admired you from your reflection, eyes travelling all around to every single detail. He never thought he’d see the day where you were like this. All dressed up for the wedding. An uncomfortable silence filled the room and you couldn’t help but clear your throat. “You should get going soon. You shouldn’t even be here and your family came by the way.”

Touya hummed in response and nodded. He made his way towards the door but stopped and faced you. “It’s not too late, Y/N. Just come with me an-”

“No, Touya.” You said abruptly. “I’m not changing my mind. You know I can’t. It’s the right thing to do anyways.” The right thing to do. He sighed in defeat and quietly left your room. The moment you heard the door shut, you deeply exhaled and rubbed the sides of your forehead in stress. You stared at the promise ring Hawks had given you years ago. Today was the day where he would replace that promise ring with a wedding ring, just like he promised.

“Keigo. I choose Keigo.”

That was a sharp pain in Dabi’s chest like he’d been stabbed right there and then. He was expecting some kind of hope, at least just a little bit, to have you say his name. But you didn’t. There wasn’t even any hesitation when you spoke.

“Why? Why him? Am I not good enough for you?!”

You stared at the ground, unable to look the broken man in the eyes. “It’s just how it is, Touya. I don’t make the rules and I can’t choose any differently. I’m sorry.”

Huh, what a joke he thought. When you’re chained to the institution, you have no choice but to submit yourself. That’s exactly what happened to you and because of that, you were now their little puppet to control. Had that not happen, would you have chosen differently? Would you choose to live your life with him and keep that promise?

Hands deeply shoved in his pockets, Dabi walked away from the building and never turned back.

Tags for my peeps that had to wait😂: @trenchcoatdevilsworld @bmthevick @thepplaskingmonthsago

[lunatic-fandom-space]

Comparing RWBY and YGO DM: The Handling and Evolution of Themes

Hey! Its been a hot minute since I last posted anything RWBY-related but Im laying in my bed right now and Im sick and bored so I guess we're doing this. Today I will do my best to analyze what I percieve to be the main themes and messages of both of these shows, or more specifically, how theyre handled narratively. Im mostly focusing on that part because, while these series do have similar themes and messaging, they are still a few things in which they are wildly different. And with that, lets start with this essay-post-thing!

1. Theres something we need to adress first

Okay so, before we can really talk about this, theres something I feel the need to clarify here: Neither of these stories was "planned from the beginning".

Now, I dont think a story being planned from the beginning or not nesscessarily makes the story any better or worse by default, however, it is still important to acknowledge because the way the story is planned is going to affect every facet of it. Things are not going to be foreshadowed properly, things are gonna be set up only for nothing to come of it, the story might drastically change directions, characters might act differently, etc, etc.

And, this is bit off-topic but, it's much better to just admit that the story was not planned than trying to pretend that it was. Like, there are a lot of reasons why I tend to be so forgiving towards YGO even though its not very good, but one of them is definitely the fact that, as far as Im aware atleast, the guy who wrote it isnt pretending to have had this big master plan all along and neither is the fandom. With RWBY on the other hand... yeaaaah, its kinda the opposite. From what Ive seen of RWBYs fandom, there seems to be this pretty popular narrative that everything was planned even though it clearly wasnt. Thats pretty bad and honestly lowers my opinion of the writers so much more than if they would just admit to not having a proper plan.

Like, I initially consumed YGO like this: Yu-Gi-Oh Duel Monsters, Yu-Gi-Oh (aka Season 0), like, a quarter of the Yu-Gi-Oh manga (I still havent finished it)

In all three of these we have the character of Yami Yuugi, or just Yami. Broadly speaking, he is an ancient egyptian gamer spirit who lives in a magical puzzle that has not been solved for 3000 years until this highschooler named Yuugi Mutou comes along and solves it, thus setting him free and allowing him to possess Yuugi and have access to the vague magical powers of the puzzle.

In Duel Monsters he's perfectly fine most of time, morally speaking. There is an instance of him almost murdering a guy and its a bit unclear what exactly happens to those he mindcrushes but overall he's very much a pretty good guy. In Season 0 most of what he does is set up these games for bad people, where they will go insane no matter what they do. From how I understand this whole Shadow Game, Penalty Game stuff, if you lose a Shadow Game, you get violent and intense hallucinations and you will always cuz yknow, gamer spirit. But if you try to cheat, which most of the bad people do in this show, you get violent and intense hallucinations as a punishment.

Since the two anime are generally considered two different continuities, its perfectly fine that Yamis characterization is wildly different in both of them. But in the manga both of these characterizations appear, basically one after the other with no real arc or consequences, for that matter. Why is that? Simply put, someone thought it was a good idea to try to turn an episodic, very slice of life-y light-horror manga into a more traditional, more plot-driven battle shounen. From what Ive heard, it was apparently largely because of network interference or something, but the point is, it changed directions incredibly drastically with little planning and everyone knows this and I can understand that for the most part.

In RWBY we have the character of Blake Belladonna, who, in the first 3 volumes/seasons atleast, was this aloof, more toned down loner-type character with a pretty strong sense of justice. She's an in-universe marginilized racial minority and she clearly cares about racial injustice. The way its initially framed makes it seem like she had a very hard life and no stable support system, which is what eventually pushed her to join a Civil Rights group/Terrorist organization (good god, the Faunus subplot is so awful, I could write a whole essay about it but Im already de-railing rn so I'll just save that for later).

Then, in volumes 4-5 it turns out her father is actually like, the mayor or chief of this island-place called Menagerie and she grew up in this big mansion with multiple guards/servants. Oh and also, apparently "space is a commodity" on there, so theres that. She still retains large parts of her personality but she's kinda like, worse somehow I think. I cant really describe it in a meaningful way but I hope you get what Im saying anyway. Then in Volume 6 she confronted her emotional abuser Adam (sorry for not mentioning him sooner but yeah, he was like, her abusive boyfriend, which is something that a lot of people disagree with but I wont really say anything about it either way because I dont really feel any specific way) with her friend, Yang, and ended up killing him.

After all that, she pretty much lost the rest of her personality, as well as her arc about all the Faunus stuff. She just kinda became the meek, generically nice, recovering abuse victim. Why? Well, the actual reason is that they didnt plan out shit and are just kinda flying by the seat of their oversized clown-pants and if they and the fandom just admitted it, I would have less of an issue. I still wouldnt be as forgiving towards RWBY as I am towards YGO because the crux of the issue, for me, is just that I dont particulary like RWBY but also like. Do you really expect me to take MKEK seriously as writers after admitting to not have a timeline because iT wOuLd CaUsE pLoThOlEs?

However, since they want us to believe that everything was planned out from the beginning, the explaination would be.... Idk, they deliberately butchered one of their main characters?? Because.. they hate her?? Maybe????

So yeah, that was quite a detour however, I would like you to keep this mind going forward.

2. Themes of the Early Series'

First, what do mean by 'Early Series' for both of these shows respectively? Well, for YGO that would have to be Season 0 or if youre reading the manga, everything pre-Duelist Kingdom. Basically, the part of the series thats a episodic, very slice of life-y light-horror series.

For RWBY that would be the first three Volumes, also known as the Poser-Era. Back then it was just kinda an action series that took place at Anime Warrior Academy (also known as Beacon) with some pretty bare minimum worldbuilding, character-driven plots and developments but now its more of an epic high-fantasy story with more of an emphasis on plot as opposed to just action.

The themes and messages in Early YGO are kinda vague, very confusing to me and if you were to follow any of it literally that would be pretty bad. For now Im just gonna say the main themes are Friendship and Identity and mostly focus on the Identity aspect.

Now, it took me a little while to figure out RWBYs deal but I think the main themes for Volumes 1-3 are also Friendship and Heroism. Once again, I'll mostly focus on Heroism and touch on Friendship more briefly later.

I dont have much more to add to YGOs themes right now, so I'll briefly go over Heroism in RWBY.

In RWBYs setting there are these man-eating monsters called Grimm that have basically infected the planet. In order to deal with that, they have people called huntsmen and huntresses that kill them and protect people. Theyre trained at special academies like Beacon and go on missions there and stuff like that. Our four main characters, Ruby, Weiss, Blake and Yang, are training to become huntresses and one day they go on this mission to clean up a grimm infested city block with one of their teachers. Obviously, that takes a long time so they have to camp out in one of the empty houses. Weiss, Blake and Yang cant sleep because theyve been thinking about this question that their teacher asked them when they were fighting grimm: "Why do you want to become a huntress?"

They have a heart to heart and we find out about their motivations; Weiss wants to bring honour back to her family, Blake want to distance herself from the White Fang (that terrorist organization I mentioned earlier) and as an extension from Adam, Yang wants to have a life of adventure. They also talk about why Ruby wants to be a huntress and it turns out that she judt wants to help people. Unlike the others, she has no motivation besides that. We're meant to listen to that and look at her as a sort-of personification of Heroism: kind, but not naive, strong and most of all, selfless. The others on her team are not portayed as bad for not being like Ruby by any means but we are clearly meant to admire her the most out of all of them.

Okay, now comes the part Ive been looking forward to the most:

3. How did these themes evolve in the Modern Series'?

Alright, before we can really delve into the way they evolved in YGO I'll have to give you a brief summary of the character progression. At the start of DM, during the Duelist Kingdom arc, Yami Yuugi is just that; A darker Yuugi. Hes more confident, bolder, his voice is deeper, hes somehow taller, more ruthless, all that good stuff. Notably, he doesnt actually seem more skilled than Yuugi even at the start of this story, but he's still dependent on Yami. Yami on the other hand, has no identity of his own or even hints at one at this point. He's just The Other Yuugi.

Then during the Battle City arc, they find out that Yami was actually a pharao prior to being sealed in the puzzle, he just didnt know because of amnesia, I guess. So now they need to find out his real name and then send him to the afterlife because hes meant to be dead, but not before saving the world from being swallowed by darkness, which is also a thing they have to do now.

Then we finally get to the Memory World arc, where Yami, Yuugi and the rest of the gang astralproject to ancient egypt via puzzle magic. Yami is trying to figure out what the hell is going on and who all these familiar people are, while Yuugi & Co are trying their best to help him. Then some weird shit happens and it turns out that all of that is not just Yamis sealed away memories, but also a giant D&D Shadow Game that will destroy the world if Yami loses. So now theres Pharao!Yami who is still clueless on the metaphorical and literal playing field and Player!Yami, who is kinda controlling himself now? I guess?? Yamis opponent, The Spirit of The Ring, has something similar to that going on where hes both controlling and properly participating in the game. So Player!Yami is now fighting against Player!TSoTR, Pharao!Yami is now fighting against Thief King Bakura (who is like, the human, ancient egyptian version of the Ring Spirit) and Yuugi is now fighting against Yami Bakura (who is like, the human, modern japanese version of the Ring Spirit). Yuugi gets Yamis real name, he and the gang go over to Pharao!Yami and tell him his name, meanwhile Player!Yami is also somehow helping as well and they defeat the Ring Spirit, thus saving the world. Then they travel to modern Egypt, the Ceremonial Duel happens and Yuugi wins, sending Yami to the Afterlife where he can finally rest and that was the series!

I originally wanted to recount the stuff that was going on with the Ring Spirit and his host as well because they parallel eachother, but this summary is already far too long and I think youll get the point without me needing to explain any more.

My point here is, that the story went from being vaguely about Identity, maybe? to being very clearly about Self-Discovery and Learning to Be Independent. I think this is a very good way to evolve the messaging of your story. How does RWBY track on that?

Well, uh... its not great. I will acknowledge that they have tried to introduce new themes and ideas since, even though I wont really be talking about them in this post. But yeah, the whole Heroism thing really regressed.

Like, I didnt explicitly say it when I was explaining grimm earlier, but theyre not going away. The grimm have always been there and people who sign up to become huntsmen and huntresses are effectively signing up for a job that will never truly be done, no matter what they do. Characters like Ruby and even more minor ones like Phyrrah have shown us that that doesnt matter when youre a hero. No life isnt worth saving, no grimm isnt worth killing, no criminal isnt worth arresting. Then, in volume 6 they find out about Salem. Salem is the Big Bad of the show, shes immortal, controls the grimm and is supposed to be very powerful.

What do our heroes do? They give up. Sike! They were just mindcontrolled by monsters or some shit, of course they didnt give up their mission (which is to bring an Important Macguffin to a city called Atlas, sorry I didnt mention it)!

But then they arrive in Atlas (which is llike, a city thats floating over another city called Mantle) and yknow, they do some plot stuff thats not really important right now until the city gets invaded by Salem and this big grimm army she has.

What do our heroes do? Well, Ruby, Weiss, Blake and some side characters are chilling, drinking tea in a mansion and Yang and the B Team were actually trying to do something, but even those efforts seem incredibly minimal.

Oh wait, I also forgot to mention that Ironwood (a fairly minor, vaguely antagonistic character up until now) wanted to lift Atlas even higher to save Atleasian civilians from danger while leaving Mantle vulnerable to Salems invasion.

What would be the most heroic thing to do?

A) Let Ironwood lift Atlas, get as much support as they can down to Mantle and save as many Mantle civilians as they can from the invasion

B) Prevent Ironwood from lifting Atlas but then split up in order to protect both Atlas and Mantle civilians

C) Prevent Ironwood from lifting Atlas and then dont do anything else

Congrats! If you choose C, you think exactly like the writers!

And I just

This is so mindboggling to me, I feel like I shouldnt even have explain how this is bad. And like, it wouldve been so easy to actually make them seem herokc through their actions, to make it seem like they did try but no.

I have never seen a central theme be this botched, how in the world did they do that? Why did they think it was a good idea for Ruby "The Embodiment of Heroism" Rose to sit in a mansion doing nothing, no planning, no organizing just ..... God, how are they this bad? Like, this doesnt even have anything to do with it being planned in any way, this is just straight up incompetence

4. Very briefly touching on friendship

The friendship is awful and its not solely because they all have the same opinions. They barely interact with eachother outside their designated pairs which leads to it all feeling incredibly hollow. Theyre also practically indistingushable from one another now, which is a shame because it wasnt always like that. Like, I dont think the characters were that well-developed in earlier volumes but they were very well-characterized. But now we've gotten to a point where you can literally copy and paste one characters dialogue onto another and literally nothing changes, it really sucks.

5. Some closing words

Damn, this took way longer than I thought it would and now Im pretty exhausted. I have no idea how yall always write these but props to you! I feel like this ended up a bit rambly but overall, Im pretty proud.

Please let me know what you think of the points I brought up! Id also really appreciate some tips on how to get better at these longer posts because I am planning on writing more in the future (not the near future, probably but yknow).

Thats all I have to say for now, thanks for reading!

[lachalaine]

drabble . a hangover and two

disclaimer: emilia is jackie’s childhood best friend, and not necessarily the nicest person ever. if she seems excessively rude, it’s because she is. she’s got the biggest ego on the continent borne of being very, very rich and very, very spoiled, and rather just enjoys throwing her money and power around and being the most aggravating presence possible. she has her good sides as well ( just buried severely deep ). regardless, her main countenance is not the best. particularly, she is the type to walk over people if she deems them unworthy, and that’s almost everyone. it’s just the way she is and that’s that. pls keep that in mind if u read, thank you. 

* this has talk of a one night stand and a copious amount of alcohol, please be warned thank u

She wasn’t the type to come around very often, and that much was true.

For how much she might have played a part in Jackie’s formative years, and for how much she’d loved to make her presence known when she was actually around ( so loud and so proud and so unapologetically annoyingly Emilia ) the truth of the matter was, the blonde only tended to slip her way out from whatever obscure part of the world she’d lazed her days about in when she’d finally deemed her esteemed attendance to be – well – most opportune, really.

Which in translation really just meant when her instincts were blasting clamorous and off key that Jackie was currently stuck in a most compromising position of which could not miss.

In this case –

“Why is there a very ugly stranger waiting for you outside your house?”

When she was flat out drunk and nursing a hangover. Apparently.

As you do.

Truth be told, the resonance of the blonde’s lilting accent was honestly enough to startle the plastered girl almost fully cognizant.

Perhaps the most terrible wakeup call ever, truly.

“Oh fuck.” And Jackie knew this script only far too well by now.

But she’d still fucking hated it, dammit. “No, please no, Emilia ---“ Incoherent mutterings of the most debilitated kind, the kind that might’ve made one almost pity her.

Almost.

She wasn’t really that lucky. “Why are you here?”

The smile her suffering brings to the blonde reeks of sheer delight.

And if that wasn’t a cause for concern - she didn’t know what was.

“Now, now – no need to sound so excited to see me, Dulcet. As knackered as you are –” A sharp cackle of amused laughter even as lacquered crimson lips stretched into an amused grin, long nails tugging teasingly at the thick comforter that hid her best friend from view, her viridian eyes alight with a shimmer that was perhaps only just a smidgen all too bright.

It only makes the DJ clutch the material around her just that much tighter.

If only she could sink into the fabric and never come back up again --- oh gods, please help her.

“You should have expected I would arrive sooner or later.”

Please.

The gods response? 

No.

“Emi.” Jackie whines softly into her pillows, the most that she can manage when she feels so absolutely trashed. Even within the confines of her bed, from where she’d burrowed herself in like some kind of burrito – oh lords, it was too much. “Please, god forbid. Not today. I just had. The worst night. In the history of nights. Seriously, I feel like absolute shit and I could just – “

“Retch?” The echo of a loud and most obnoxious sound, much like air being sucked through an empty Starbucks straw. A Venti. Espresso Frappuccino. Non-fat but with extra chocolate syrup and a double helping of whipped cream. Sugar, sugar, sugar. 

( jackie hated how much she’d remembered that even in the throes of her suffering, fuck her sideways, bloody hell )

…oh no. it was happening.

She wasn’t human enough for this. 

Yet Emilia continued onwards with her litany much without pause. “Pass out? Die? Do tell which one it might be, darling, and I’ll either have a trash can or a funeral prepared for you either way. Alexander will take care of it, won’t you, love?”

“Of course, my lady.” The corresponding utterance of a subdued voice, most polite and most obedient. The kind that’d made Jackie deflate only that much further.

Between the both of them and their combined forces, she was turning into a soggy ass pancake. As expected. Business as usual, so you might say. “I can have a plot of land dug and prepared for Mademoiselle Jackie in the course of half an hour. Fifteen minutes, if urgently required.”

…well. That was a very promising response, first thing in the morning.  

Somehow, she’s not at all aghast by it anymore.

What did that say of their friendship, truly? 

She would hate to ask. 

“…how did you even get in here?” She asks instead, tone most wary and uncertain, though somehow sounding already resigned to her fate. “I had the locks changed a month ago when I lost my keys, I could swear.”

The soft wiggle upon her bed, as the blonde made herself more comfortable. “Don’t underestimate my capabilities, Dulcet. I had a backup key made the very evening that you had it changed. Can’t have any barriers whilst getting into my protégé’s house. But, please, before you go on into all that personal boundaries speech and all that jazz – “ The female already cutting her off, even when she was still trying to make sense of the words, holy fucking shit. “Don’t try to change the subject.“ Another too loud sip, another clench of Jackie’s nails into the mattress in a bid for self-restraint, the sound of a doorbell ringing faintly off in the distance –

‘Why was this woman her best friend, goddess help her – ‘

“I ask again: why is there an ugly bloke of a man ringing your doorbell? And holding your knickers, of all things.”

--- that caught her attention.

“WHAT?” She was popping up from the covers like a jack in the box well before the uttered sentence could properly settle, and quite frankly, the expression on the Brit’s visage honestly couldn’t be anymore more pleased.

It was like the smile of a shark that’d smelled blood in the water.

Bingo.

And Jackie was whatever sorry son of a bitch sea lion that had gotten caught in its trap.

Shit.

“Ah – so you do actually possess mobile capabilities. Wouldn’t you wonder at that, Alexander? I am so amazed.”

The most playfully amused smirk even as red lips remained sealed around her straw, while her butler’s expression as he’d stared down at them both appeared as though it truly couldn’t be anymore blasé then it already was, really. His short response was just as annoying. “Yes, my lady. Much enthused, it is truly a miracle.”

why jackie ever bothered to put up with either of them, she would never know.

“Oh, screw you both!”

But she was down and shoving herself beneath the covers again without a second thought.

And yet her moment of weakness had been enough, as blonde so quickly reached out and grasped at the edgings of the covers with a steel grip, tearing it up and off her incapacitated victim with a dark grin. “I would say yes to that offer, love, but three is a crowd and you don’t swing that way the last I checked. Unless something’s changed, of which case I would say I am absolutely aghast that you would not tell me, but I trust you to fill me in on every little bit eventually.” A sassy wink, a relentless attack. Jackie would have no escape from her at this rate. Not if she’d had anything to say about it.

And truly. Emilia had a lot to say about everything, all the damn bloody time, Jesus Christ. It was like she never shut up.

( on her fucking grave, bitch. )

“At least, on anything of what I don’t already know about you, more or less. But we’ll talk about that later. We shift instead our discussion to today’s most important concern, of which case, I must say, you cheeky, cheeky girl –” She’d tittered, tossing her cup backwards and not even checking to see if Alex had caught it. She was fairly certain he would have, in any case.

Considering how often she threw things, his reflexes were superhuman at this rate, really. But anyway, as she was saying, back to the main point behind this visit -

Her best friend’s shitty life choices. Exhibit A, of which she’d practically crooned to the poor girl with an all too amused little giggle, the sound conspiratorial in every sense of the word as she’d leaned down, down, down, down, down –

“I really can’t believe you walked out without your knickers.”

Shit. Wait. What?

If the Brit was trying to give her a heart attack, it was working.

For as it was, all Jackie could seem to do was stare up at the ceiling with wide eyes filled with the most optimal amount of dread, and even she couldn’t deny the sudden and pervasive feeling of absolute doubt.

Her heart echoes a stuttered pulse within her chest, and her whisper when it resounds – is only but a mere breath. “...are you fucking serious right now?”

Emilia’s smile when it spreads – is damning. “Look out. The window~”  

Jackie blinks. Jackie stares. Jackie is really, really, severely, absolutely and terribly uncertain.

But her heart is pounding at her to move. And she’s up. Up and suddenly rolling herself off the bed with naught but a little thump, where she hits the ground hard; and with a long suffering groan, and despite the unsteadiness ( and oh, she really was about ready to hurl, holy shit ), she’s up on her feet and wobbling her way half off towards the hallway without a second thought.

She stops on the landing, she works her way to the window, and with face pressed flat against the clear glass – she feels her heart drop.

And for the third time in a row this drabble ( or was it the fourth? fifth? who knows? ) –

Holy fucking shit.

“He has my underwear.”

Bad adult choices 101 – how not to have a one night stand, whoops.

“Mhm.” Emilia hums as she inches up against the window with her, looking all as though a pampered cat that’d acquired two villages worth of both cream and tuna. “Black and lacy and waving it up and down like the Union Jack. You do know how to choose them, darling. Your drunken decisions would haunt you. It’s fully on brand, I must say.”

Honestly, she’s not even sure how she would have managed to respond. Her soul was fast spiraling into an endless abyss at the proof of her negligence, and Jackie truly feared she was going to go down with it.

How had he even managed to figure out where she’d lived?

The despair of such notion only triples when the man finally halts his godforsaken doorbell ringing and chances a quick glance upwards – merely a moment, really – but Jackie only has just enough awareness left in her to grab the blonde by the shoulder and duck!

It’s far too late, of course.

“BABY!” His sudden screeching proves that point well enough, oh boy.

But she’s on her knees and digging her nails into Emilia’s shoulder before she can stand to even plan an alternative action otherwise, crap.

Is she having a heart attack? It certainly feels like it. And yet Emi, bless her soul, is far too amused to really fucking care.

Really, she’d lived for this, truly. Who else could you have found to be the embodiment of the protag of a rom-com without even trying? 

She was so lucky.

Maybe.

“Provided you are done trying to claw a huge chunk of my shoulder off my body, perhaps we can discuss how you plan to take care of this before the paparazzi show up?”

The look Jackie grants her at that remark with seems to be all kinds of staggering, and the blonde almost feels a surge of pity.

Almost.

She wasn’t that type of person. 

“Earth to Jackie. Oi bitch, wake up.” A short slap against her cheek, if only enough to snap her out of it.

If anything, all the stinging gesture manages to do is make her even more panicked.

Both hands quickly relegates to the Brits shoulders without nary a second thought, and even Emilia – in all her persistent amusement – muses if perhaps she might have gone just a wee bit too far off the edge this time.

Jackie’s whisper to her sounds like the beginnings trails of insanity. “You need to get rid of him.”

“BABY, MY LOVE, COME OUT PLEASE – “

Nani the fuck? 

“Excuse me, you need me to get rid of that?” The look on her face was pure disdain etched into a picture. “Are you absolutely kidding me? The man sounds like a step away from being a desperate git, he hasn’t even said your name yet, which probably means he forgot it. I am not subjecting myself to that.”

“Emilia. Please.” The softness of her voice was not at all equal to the focused intensity of which laced her very being. “I need you to do this for me. On the love of our fucking friendship – “

“Oh god, Jackie.” The toss of her head, platinum blonde locks shifting with the movement as she’d waved the younger female away. “Don’t beg. You know that’s beneath you.”

Excuse her??

“Emi – I am so fucking plastered off my ass I am going to fucking puke on you. That man has my underwear, which means I made the walk home without them, and he knows where I live even though I’m pretty sure I had him passed out cold when I left this morning and I don’t remember telling him anything and with all due respect, I do not think anything is capable of being beneath me at the moment except my fucking grave.”

“Of which I can still have prepared in but a moment, Mademoiselle.” The short pipe up in the background wasn’t helping.

“Alex.” Sanity was evidently not a word in her vocabulary when Jackie finally looked up at him. “I will fucking slaughter you, do not test me.”

A short shrug, an almost amused nod. “As you wish.”

Her concentration shifts back down to viridian hues without missing a beat. “You need to take care of him. But be nice about it if you can. But just -- please. It is a need.”

“It is a need for you to calm down, that’s what you need. I did not fly here all the way from Bali to solve your boy troubles, Jackie. I merely flew here just to laugh at them --- eep!”

If mahogany hues could burn, then perhaps – the blonde mused - she would be on fire right now.

“Please.”

That was no longer a request.

Five minutes later, and she was finally opening the front door with a look upon her face that spoke quite distinctly of her absolute disdain.

If the poor man felt like he’d belonged more accurately squished at the bottom of her heel, it was honestly because he - quite very bluntly - did.

In her expert opinion, at least.

And she was an expert in all her opinions, but of course. 

“Are you done ravaging the doorbell yet, you twit?”

The guy was American, and so he couldn’t quite understand the insult. But also, it appeared he didn’t take to context clues all too well.

That or he was evidently still hung over off his ass.

Whatever. 

“Sorry, I just.” The male began, not actually having expected someone to open the door and yet already scrambling for words, perhaps not even having thought about his actual game plan before he’d come by. It certainly seemed to be the most logical explanation, really. He’d been driven to follow after the girl based on something inexplicable really, he’d just - “The DJ girl. Is she - is she here? I just wanted. To see her. She was gone this morning and I couldn’t find her and she didn’t give me her number and you know I had to ask – “

“She’s not available.” She cuts him off. A short response, a curt and both cutting stare.

How harsh, she hadn’t even let him finish.  

“Not for the next half of a century, at least. But she will have her knickers back though, if you please. Thank you for bringing it.”

The laundry basket she’d kicked out towards him drilled in the fact that he wasn’t even worthy of an explanation beyond that.

He’d stared down at it, and then looked up, and then down again, and then up.

It was quite like watching a puppy really. Unfortunately - 

She wasn’t much a fan of dogs.

The short cock of her head once more, as though that was answer enough. “Well put them in, won’t you? I don’t have all day.”

He was clutching at the piece of lingerie like it was his lifeline now.

‘How terribly depressing.’

“I – but – is she - really not here?” He’d asked, the words sounding almost stilted on his lips.

“No, she’s not.” The female drawled, already rolling her eyes in the picture of absolute irritation. “She’s gone, actually. Lying in a ditch somewhere and questioning her life choices, probably, but regardless, can you please?” Another light kick, a lowly uttered tut beneath her lips. “Put them in?”

Either the guy was slow or he was just very much attached to a woman he’d barely spent even five hours with, good god.

He still hadn’t let go of her underwear.

“But – are you sure? I saw her. People saw her. Come home. Her hair – “

Somewhere by the banister, Jackie was slamming her head against the wall and trying not to groan.

By the doorway, Emilia was heaving a long suffering sigh.

“She’s much a fan of violet, I will tell you that much. Anything that you think is her hair is literally just her couch, her bed sheets, her wallpaper and even her dishes. I’d give you a tour of her place but this isn’t a museum. So god for-fucking-bid – the underwear. Now.”

There must have been a spike to her tone, one that was sharp enough to make the man flinch.

But still. He tried.

“…can I wait for her? I’m sure – she’ll want to see me – after the night we had –“

Another shuddering knock from upstairs, the woes of a plastered woman cursing herself to the high heavens above. It was enough to make anyone look up. 

Emilia didn’t even bother. 

“Not a chance.” The female uttered, lyrical tone not even missing a beat. “In fact, I doubt she even remembers your name. Alcohol tends to do that to her, no offence. Which, I might ask – what is your name, by the way? For short term memories sake.” For it wasn’t so much that she’d cared, but it was always good to have this kind of information on hand for potential blackmail.

At the slightest glimpse of interest, at perhaps a chance to gain some form of entrance, the man puffed up his chest with a sharp nod. “Kale.”

A short stop. A loud screech. The perch of a thin and neatly trimmed brow. 

She couldn’t quite believe this. “Kale?”

“Yes.”

“…like the vegetable?”

“…yes?”

Oh, he was far too proud for a man with a name like that.

“Say no more.” She’d waved him off, much like a woman ridding herself of flies. “Gods, she really must have been drunk off her arse last night. No matter. You can leave now, and never come back again. Drop the knickers or I’ll have my men take care of yours.”

Well – that hadn’t gone the way he’d expected it to. 

“What?”

A roll of her eyes, a mere snap of her fingers. And before he knew it

--- there were three dudes boxing him in. Breathing down his neck. Intimidating him even by mere presence.

Had they been there the entire time?

It would certainly appear so.

They’d just learned all too well to be discreet until needed, that was all.

Suffice to say though, that at the very least – he’d dropped off the underwear without much trouble after that.

Yet Emilia, when she finally stalks her way upstairs, along the look of absolute disdain now directed at her wasted best friend sprawled out along the floor – she’d just had to ask, after all –

“You had sex with a man named Kale?”

As if Jackie’s heart wasn’t already due to give out on her. Of all the fucking things to care about - “Emilia, I swear to god – “

“I am so disappointed in you. Of all things. Kale. You couldn’t just fuck a bloody carrot. A zucchini. A cucumber. No, you go for fucking Kale instead. Jesus Christ, no wonder you hated it. Not to mention, you really need to rethink your strategy of not wearing wigs when you go out with plans to get fucked. Your bum is a sitting duck with these men, have you not realized that?”

Jackie doesn’t know she has it in her to answer the blonde at all anymore honestly. Perhaps she would have. Perhaps she would have not. Regardless, and without further ado, with no small amount of drama --

It appears she passes out. Right out of it. Just like that. 

Boop. 

To the slightest prod of a designer heel - there is no response. “-- is she dying, Alex?”

Said butler appeared as though he could only nod. “Perhaps, my lady. I cannot quite say – “ A low and most suffering groan emanated from the girl, and all too soon, he was quickly rethinking that thought. “It would certainly appear so.”

And for perhaps the first time that afternoon, the blonde doesn’t scoff. In fact, she doesn’t bother to do anything anymore but just release and all too heavy sigh. 

“Hmm. Pity. Do pick her up then, I suppose.” The slight nod, even as she’d quickly turned on her heel and moved to make her way down the hall. “We’ll take care of the rest, as usual.” 

“Shall I prepare the funeral then, my lady?” The servant had the gall to ask, already bending down to pick up the passed out female, cradling her in his arms much like one would handle overly precious cargo.

One that was lightly snoring and stunk of a distillery, at least. 

How charming. 

He didn’t mean that statement in sarcasm.

For all as ironic as it was, she really was as precious as they would come. 

At least they would think so, really. 

“Hardly, Alex. We’ll bother with her funeral only after we prepare her bath. The bloody girl is still as hopeless a turtle as ever, wouldn’t you say? All these years and she’s still the same absolute mess.”

The smile the male sports as he follows after his lady appears to be if anything -- only all too pleased. And he knows for a fact that the same amusement is only ever matched by the blonde. 

Not that they would ever tell, of course. 

“As ever, madam. A very curious turtle indeed.”

But perhaps, just as they had back then, they’d rather much appreciated her that away after all.

FIN

[bbbb-barnes]

Dance With The Devil [ 2 ] - A Mobster!Bucky X Reader.

Summery- You’re a hard working NYU student that left a small town childhood of gangs, drugs and violence behind. When you find out your mother is struggling you go back home to help, only to realise the gang your father used to run has become ruthless, however a handsome and dangerous man from your families rival gang catches your eyes and you can’t seem to stay away.  (I am bad at summeries, if anybody can write a better one SLIDE IN MY DM’S ill love u) 

SLIDE IN MY DM’S ANYWAYS requests are open or just come for a chat and let me know what u think x

Say hello to my greasy beefy boi 

Warnings- Swearing, mentions of violence. 

You had been home for approximately 3 hours and you were already bored. Your mother had stopped doting on you and allowed you to settle in your room and after you had attempted to chat to your seriously ill grandmother for half an hour you needed some time to yourself. Your preppy room was exactly the same as you had left it when you were 18, the old pictures of you and your friends you had gotten printed off at the convenience store around the corner for a quarter each were tacked on to the pale pink wall and curling at the edges, there was a ‘Toy Story’ poster on your wall which made you chuckle so you kept it up, the thing that made you cringe however was the bright pink and yellow polka dot sheets and matching bedspread, they needed to go. You quickly packed your clothes away, taking note how colourless your current wardrobe is compared to the bright clashing patterns of your younger years. It was so strange being back, you felt like you had just slipped back into your old life, your mom was downstairs making dinner and you could have easily been 17 again and studying for an algebra test on your garish bedspread, it was all very nostalgic. You padded down the stairs and eagerly followed the delicious scent of food. You found your mother hunched over a large pot on the stove humming to herself, various spices littering the marbled side.

“Smells great, Ma” you complimented as you slid onto the kitchen stool opposite, she glanced up from the pot and gave you a grateful grin. Your mother was a beautiful woman, she kept her beauty in to her older adult years, albeit with a few grey hairs and extra wrinkles around her deep hazel eyes.

“Thank you dear, do you mind watching the pot I have a quick errand to run” she sighed as she untied her apron and placed the steel lid back on to the simmering pot, she sounded tired and it made you frown, she had been working extra time as a cleaner recently to help pay for your Grandmothers medical bills, she then had to come home and care for her and it was clearly taking its toll.

“I’ll do it, you look exhausted” you quickly offered, thinking the fresh air would do you some good anyways, however for some reason your mother didn’t look convinced. She smoothed down her blouse.

“I’ll just mess up dinner and I have to go to the store anyway” you quickly reasoned, but she still softly shook her head, the concerned expression not leaving her face, first Steve and now your mom, the secrecy was getting annoying, your scowl obviously said more than words ever could as she flopped down on to the stool opposite you.

“Y/N, dear I need to collect my wages from my boss James, but James is a high-ranking member of The Commando’s, you can’t go over there” she was uneasy, and you could tell, and you felt like your eyes were going to roll back into your head.

“If I hear about this god damn ‘gang’ again today I’m going to scream. I’ll go” you told her firmly, standing up and dramatically pushing the bar-stool away from you but she caught your arm with her hand.

“I wish you would start taking this a little more seriously, I thought Steve would talk some sense into you today” she warned you, not letting go of your arm.

“I don’t understand this at all, first of WHY are you working for this man, secondly how are you even in contact with Steve if they’re all so dangerous.” You admitted defeat and flopped back on to the bar-stool, eager to get some answers.

Your mother ran a hand through her wispy hair and looked wistfully into the distance as she prepared to answer.

“I know James’s mother, we were friends long before any of our families got involved in this gang business and we remain friends, we promised not to let that get in the way of our friendship, although it’s getting harder to do that recently. As a favour to his mother James gave me a job cleaning his house for good money, I won’t say he’s overly pleasant to me but he’s the reason I can pay Nonna’s medical bills, so I don’t complain. Steve is a lovely boy, he knows what happened at the hands of your father, he’s the reason that god awful gang leave me alone, but they all secretly think that I’m still working for your Uncle Jack, and with you back in town they think that’s more reason to be suspicious in their opinion, they think he’s training you up to be a part of the Moretti’s or something stupid. You need to stay away, you’ll just be used as a pawn for their horrible games, they’re always looking for a reason to declare all out war on each other.” She told you very matter-of-factly, you took a few moments to process her words and honestly all they did was make you angry. You weren’t property and you certainly weren’t going to be used as some kind of pawn in pathetic fights, the fact this James guy seemed to treat your mother like shit didn’t make you feel much better either, but you had made a promise to stay out of the way and as much as you wanted to storm into that guys house and tell him to grow the fuck up, for everybody’s sake you didn’t.

“Okay, I’ll be good” you finally admitted defeat to the obvious surprise of your mother and you watched begrudgingly as she pulled on her coat and hurried out of the door, you considered following her but decided if you were seen it would do more harm that good. She returned 10 minutes later, her facial expression giving no indication as to how it went, and you simply didn’t ask, the less you knew the better it had seemed.

After scarfing down two helpings of spaghetti and watching your mother painstakingly try and get her mother to eat you had offered to do the dishes in a lacklustre attempt to not have to watch. You stood over the faucet lost in your own thoughts, it was nearing 7PM and you were seriously in need of some sugary snacks, the worst rom-com Netflix had to offer and comfy (not neon) bedsheets. You assessed your oversized sweatshirt and skinny jeans and decided it was acceptable to leave the house in them. The problem of transportation being the only thing stopping you from a family sized bag of skittles, in New York driving was always the inferior option, however in New York you could get almost anything delivered straight to your door, Ubers Eats didn’t seem to be active here. You softly snaked around the living room door, your mom was sat on the sofa next to your grandmother, they both seemed to be engrossed in a cooking show, the light of the TV illuminating the cosy room.

“Ma, do you think I could possibly borrow the car, I need to run to the store?”  You asked in a sugary sweet voice, automatically you were transported to when you were 17 and had to ask to borrow the car to go to the Dairy Queen a town over with your friends. Your mother seemed to have the same thought as she grinned up at you with a fond shake of her head.

“Of course, dear, be careful” she handed her keys over to you and settled back into the sofa as you made your way to the driveway and into the black Nissan Versa.

The drive to the only Wal Mart in town was therapeutic, you had always enjoyed going for drives when things got a bit too much. You recalled driving to the state line listening to Fleetwood Mac once when you had first got your licence after somebody threw a brick through your living room window and your parents got into a fight about it. You sped through the now dark streets, the route coming back to you like muscle memory.

Lazily grabbing a shopping cart you slouched around the linoleum floors, the fluorescent lights making you squint slightly, you didn’t know what you wanted so you decided to just grab a little bit of everything, you weren’t particularly in a rush to get back home so you wheeled your cart to the candy isle where you came to a complete stop to consider your options, you reached for a bag of Twizlers when you heard the painstakingly familiar voice of a certain blonde and muscled ex neighbour, was this town really that small?

“Y/N” his voice was slightly raised as he hurried toward you with a large bag of chips in his hand.

“Hey Steve” you greeted casually, turning your attention back to the shelves and the various flavours of Oreo’s.

“What are you doing here?” he sounded slightly flustered and you turned to look at him with a scowl.

“Its Wal-Mart Steve, am I not permitted to be here? Is it past my curfew?” you retorted sarcastically, throwing the cookies into your cart with a little more force than needed as he looked over his shoulder.  

“Sorry” he replied a little sheepishly and you waved him off, running a hand through your hair and you wheeled your cart further down the aisle, out of your peripheral you saw him follow you.

“Watcha’ buying?” you asked, mainly out of politeness as he seemed dead set on following you, you grabbed two bags of M&M’s, one crunchy and one chocolate as you weighed on what felt like the most important decision of the day, you furrowed your brows slightly.

“Oh, I’m here with Bucky, we’re grabbing some groceries for his Ma” he replied casually, he had seemed to calm down a little by this point, he reached over and grabbed the chocolate M&M’s from you and tossed them in your cart, you wrinkled your nose at his choice.

“Bucky?” you questioned sorting slightly at the strange name, Steve sniffed at your tone.

“My pal” He shot back simply, you turned to look at him, leaning softly against your shopping cart.

“What kind of a name is Bucky?” You chuckled a little as Steve looked mortified at your comment.

“Mine.” A gruff voice came from behind you and you jumped slightly and whipped around. Stood a few feet away from you, with a gallon of milk in his large hand was possibly the beefiest guy you had ever seen. He had piecing blue eyes which were currently trained on you, he had long, dark, slightly greasy hair and stubble that coated a strong jawline, this man screamed danger and oozed confidence, everything in your bones wanted you to be afraid of him but you couldn’t deny how drop dead gorgeous he was, the obviously tailored suit aiding his allure. He took a few steps towards you and you fought the overwhelming urge to take a few steps back, you felt Steve shift behind you.

“Unique name” you muttered, not sounding as confident as you would have hoped, he cocked a brow at you but didn’t reply to you, instead he looked over your head to give Steve a look you didn’t understand.

“Y/N, this is Bucky” Steve said flatly from behind you, Bucky gave you a nod and a once over that he didn’t even try and make subtle.

“Kinda figured that one out the hard way” you murmured but flashed him a polite smile nonetheless, a slightly awkward silence settled in-between the three of you, you tried to look everywhere but Bucky, who was looking brazenly at you, the ghost of a cocky smirk on his face.

“So… How do you two know each other?” you asked, turning towards the shelves and grabbing a bottle of soda.

“Well, y’know… Family friends” Steve managed to choke out to you and you raised your eyebrows at his clusterfuck of an answer.

“We’re in a gang together” Bucky spoke matter-of-factly, his voice was gruff and low, and you liked it, you rolled your eyes.

“Oh GOD, that stupid gang” you scoffed as you placed the soda into your cart. Bucky leaned against the shelving, a look of intrigue on his features.

“You’re not scared of the gangs?” he questioned, a hint of amusement in his voice, you snickered at his question, giving him your full attention, no matter how hard it was not to cower away from his intense gaze.

“Scared of people that watched The Godfather once and run around thinking they’re in the Mafia? No not at all, I’m more scared of the rats in the subway” you wheeled your cart passed him and away from a slightly spluttering Steve, but they both followed, you came to a stop outside the ice cream freezer and Bucky placed himself at the foot of your cart, his amusement gone, only disbelief in its place.

“Maybe you should be scared” he said it quietly and almost teasingly, raising an eyebrow at you as you felt a small rush of Goosebumps take over your skin.  Before you could reply a heavy hand clapped down on your shoulder making you jump slightly and Bucky smirked at your quick slip of demeanour, damn Steve.

“Didn’t I tell you to stay out of trouble?” He questioned quietly which made you roll you eyes, you roughly grabbed a pint of Ben and Jerry’s before spinning to face him.

“I’m in Wal-Mart Steven, not Iraq” you chided sarcastically, you saw Bucky smirk at your words and it made your skin tingle slightly, Steve didn’t reply instead he gave you a firm, warning look, you both knew that isn’t what he meant. Steve was on edge, he knew catching Bucky’s eye was hardly flying under the radar and he knew when he best friend wanted something, or someone he got it.

“We’re going to go” Steve announced, looking over your head at Bucky shooting him a glare. “Bye, Y/N. See you around maybe?” you gave him a small nod and a tight smile.

“Goodbye, Y/N. I’m sure it won’t be the last time” Bucky teased with a smirk. You were too flustered to think of a witty response so just settled on raising your brows at his overwhelming confidence and with that they both stalked off.

And as quickly as Bucky and Steve came, they had left. Leaving you stood in the cold chill of the freezer section, clutching your melting tub of cookie dough ice cream wondering what the hell just happened.  You walked around the rest of the store a daze, you knew you should be scared of Bucky, everybody had warned you against them, Steve was on edge about the fact you went to Wal-Mart on your own for Christ sake, there was clearly a very real threat here, but you just couldn’t see it, maybe you were blinded by the fact you found him painfully attractive. You didn’t want to get into that mess, he was less treat you right and make you blueberry pancakes on a Sunday morning and more fuck you in an alley way behind a club and not call afterwards.

You made your way to the check out and started to load your array of sugar on to the conveyer when a nervous, acne ridden boy stopped you.

“Um, excuse me miss, this has b-been paid for” he stuttered out and you gave him a look of confusion and stopped unloading your cart.

“No, I haven’t paid for this stuff” you cocked an eyebrow at him as he shifted from one foot to another.

“Um Mr Barnes has taken care of it, it’s okay” He managed to stutter out, but you were still highly confused.

“Who?”

“Um, Bucky Barnes”

TAGLIST - @evolutionofkatep   @ghostslikemydoubts @crispychrisevans @gday-im-socially-awkward @usernamesarelies @seems-sosimple

[elemyah]

Link: Ao3 Title: Too Hard to Say Rating: Teen+ Pairings: Gladiolus Amicitia/Ignis Scientia Warnings: - Summary: Gladio never liked the parties held in Insomnia’s castle, but they were especially unnerving when he already had so much on his mind.

@gladnis2018

The parties held in Insomnia’s castle were an annoyance, to say the least.

Alright, maybe that was an exaggeration: there was plenty of tasty food and expensive drinks, enough to keep him occupied for some time. But Gladio had never been good at dealing with nobility — which was ironic, considering his own lineage. All those endless pleasantries and smiles could get on someone’s nerves given enough time, and he wasn’t that patient to begin with.

Besides, he was particularly moody that night, so, instead of socializing, he isolated himself with a plate of food and a few drinks, ignoring the world around to the best of his ability.

After some minutes of eating and playing a game in his phone, he noticed someone approach him through the corner of his eye, and wasn’t too surprised to see it was Ignis. As expected, he looked impeccable in his formal attire. However, there was a hint of exhaustion on his face only those who knew him well could identify. Not surprising, considering he probably had his part in organizing the event, and then had to go around, greeting and chatting with everyone as the representative of the prince himself — who, as usual, had chosen to stay home and ignore his duties.

Gladio felt bad for him.

“So, enjoying the party?” he asked in a playful tone.

Ignis stared at him, reaching for his glass, turning what was left of the drink in one go. Gladio raised his brow, a brief laugh escaping his lips.

“Well, that answers it.”

“My face is sore from smiling so much,” muttered Ignis. “I’m still smiling, am I not? I simply can’t stop… this is a nightmare.”

“Stay with me, Iggy,” Gladio pulled the chair beside him. “You went through worse things than this.”

“Perhaps,” Ignis sat down, taking out his glasses, massaging the area between his eyes. “But I’m still fairly certain that you’ll find my deceased corpse laying somewhere on the floor before the night ends.”

“I sure hope not, you’re the only thing keeping me from dying of boredom.”

Ignis laughed, putting his glasses again.

“I have to admit I’m surprised to find you alone,” he said. “Isn’t it against some rule of the Amicitia’s family to stay unaccompanied for more than two minutes in any public event?”

“I think I scared any possible company away with my face.”

Gladio gestured towards the wound on his left eye, that he gained protecting Noctis from a bunch of assholes. Most of the stitches had already come out, which meant he now could move his face without feeling like the cut was opening again. But the scar was still evident, and he’d be lying if he said all the curious and surprised looks didn’t bother him.

“And I believed what they said, about girls liking scars…” he added with a humorous tone.

But Ignis didn’t laugh at his attempt of a joke, observing him with a worried expression. Gladio averted his eyes.

“Is it healing well?” asked Ignis.

“Yeah, but I’m pretty sure this one won’t fade with time.”

“Do you mind?”

Gladio looked at him, unsure of what he meant by that. Ignis carefully reached for his face, touching the area close to the scar with the tip of his fingers, examining it.

“I’ve said this before, but I’m glad it didn’t get your eye.”

“Yeah…”

Ignis retreated. They stayed silent for the following seconds, until a wave of nervousness made a brief, humorless laugh escape from Gladio’s lips.

“It’s ugly, isn’t it?” he asked.

“Believe me, they would have to make a bigger effort to make you look ugly.”

Gladio didn’t reply immediately. Moments like that made him wonder if Ignis’ words and touch meant something more than a close friendship, or if he was just reading too much into it.

“If you’re the one saying so…”

They changed the subject to more pleasant things. The time passed, and at some point Gladio found his father amid the crowd, standing beside King Regis, as expected from a Shield. Despite the professional smile, the old man looked tired as well. It seemed parties weren’t among the Amicitias’ favorite pastimes. Except, maybe, for Iris… Gladio was sure that little monkey would find a way to enjoy herself, no matter the situation. He smiled fondly at the thought.

His eyes met Regis’, who raised his hand in a subtle gesture to call his attention.

“Iggy…”

Gladio touched his elbow, indicating the King with a movement of his head. Regis made a sign for Ignis to approach him.

“Seems like your break is over…” said Gladio.

“Please, end my life,” muttered Ignis as he stood up.

Gladio watched as he walked away, then stretched his legs under the table. The waiter passed by, and he grabbed two glasses of champagne, one for himself and other for Ignis.

Maybe he should go take a walk outside? He considered it for a while, but decided to wait until Ignis got back. He’d rather have someone to talk to, anyway. It would make time pass faster, and in a more pleasant way.

Gladio finished drinking his champagne. Long minutes passed before he started to drink from the other glass. He could always get another for Ignis later.

Speaking of Ignis, Gladio spotted him in the distance, among a small group of older people, with his perfect posture and fake smile. It was so damn fake… How couldn’t anyone notice it?

He laughed to himself, finishing the drink. Wasn’t drinking alone such a depressing thing, though? The highest point of his night had been the few minutes he got to spend with Ignis. Now that he thought about it, that party wouldn’t have been so bad if he got to spend more time with him. He could even get to enjoy it.

He finished that drink, and when a waiter approached him again, he took another two glasses. Hope never dies, right?

Gladio kept waiting, but there was no sign of Ignis coming back. He glanced around the place, but his friend had vanished amid the crowd. Great, his last bit of entertainment was gone.

As time passed, a feeling of restlessness overcame him. Maybe he should have taken that walk, after all… But he wasn’t feeling like doing it anymore. Besides, if he started wandering alone, he’d go back to feeling self-conscious about his damn face. He knew it was part of his job as a Shield to protect Noctis with his life, and he was fine with it. He was proud of it. But he also didn’t imagine something that small… That stupid, could bother him so much.

Once again, he drank the champagne from Ignis’ glass, and it tasted bitter on his tongue. Noctis had cried at the hospital… He never saw the brat react like that before, and part of him felt guilty about it. Ignis was there too. He spent more time than he should at his bedside, when he probably had more important things to do. Just stood there, listening to his endless whining and trying to keep him distracted. That’s when he began to wonder if Ignis felt something for him — and when he realized he was hoping that was the case.

The lights at the party seemed brighter than before, and he foresaw a nasty headache on the next morning. He noticed the waiter approaching his table again, and hesitated for just a second before calling him with a gesture. Again, he took two glasses, but this time they were both for himself.

“Well, I’m already fucked up… Why stop now?”

That was a terrible way of thinking, but, honestly, he was too tired to care.

After being introduced and having to sustain a conversation with at least a dozen different people, Ignis finally managed to slip away. He was good at socializing, yes, but it didn’t mean he liked doing it. Especially when he was that tired and with a more than inconvenient headache. Maybe it was a sign that he should start sleeping better.

If he had to be honest, the only pleasant thing to come out of that night was the chance to spend some time with Gladio. Not that it was such an unusual thing, especially considering that they trained together almost every day. But for them to meet outside of Insomnia’s castle, without the excuse of accompanying Noctis somewhere, was quite unusual. And he enjoyed it. Probably more than he should.

He made his way back to Gladio’s table, and in seconds his optimistic expectancy was dissolved into something closer to dread. It was clear Gladio had been drinking — way more than he was supposed to. He wasn’t causing a scene, but had a grouchy expression, and would glare at anyone who looked in his direction. Ignis approached the table with cautious steps, but as soon as Gladio saw him, a smile appeared on his face.

“You finally got back…” he said. “I was starting to think I’d have to drink your share again.”

“Gladio,” Ignis carefully took the glass out of his hand, placing it out of his reach. “I understand that you don’t like parties, but I think you had enough for today.”

“It’s not that bad, once in a while,” Gladio shrugged. “If we have to go through this shit, then we better make the best out of it, right?”

“That’s not the issue here.”

Ignis sat beside his friend, hoping no one called him this time. He was sure that, if left alone, Gladio would just go back to drinking.

“You should be thanking me…” answered Gladio. “This way you’ll have an excuse to leave early.”

“It’s not much of an improvement, leaving early just to take care of a drunk man.”

“Really?” Gladio showed a suggestive smile. “I’m sure we could have much more fun on our own than in this place.”

Somehow, Ignis managed to keep a straight face at those words.

“I’ll pretend you didn’t say what you just did.”

Gladio laughed for a while, then looked at Ignis’ eyes, his face resting against his palm.

“You’re really beautiful, you know?”

That sudden comment made Ignis stare at him.

“Excuse me?”

“I never tell you that, but you’re so damn beautiful…” proceeded Gladio. “And so fucking smart. Man, you’re just amazing.”

His voice was loud, and drawing more than a few curious eyes to them.

“I appreciate the thought,” said Ignis, “but maybe you should lower your tone.”

“Why?” Gladio elevated his voice even more, getting up from his chair, glaring at the guests around them, as if daring them to keep looking. “So these people won’t judge me? They already look at me like I’m some kind of ugly monster, so why should I care? Why should I care about any of this?”

“Gladio…”

Ignis placed his hand on Gladio’s shoulder, trying to calm him down. But it was clear that he wasn’t feeling well. He had never been one to drink until he lost his senses, and that was what worried Ignis the most.

“I’ll take you home,” he muttered, placing his arm around Gladio’s waist, guiding him to the exit.

Gladio accompanied him, grumbling at anything in their way. Ignis went straight to his car, helping Gladio sit on the passenger’s seat, taking his place beside him. He hadn’t drunk much, but still drove slowly for safety measure. They reached Gladio’s place, where he’d been living alone since he moved from the Amicitia’s mansion. It took some effort to take him out of the car, and even more to drag him to his apartment on the fifth floor. There, Ignis had to search his pockets for the keys, hearing a few comments from Gladio about him “trying to grab his ass”. He just took a deep breath and helped him walk inside.

The place was messier than Ignis remembered, as if Gladio hadn’t taken his time to clean for at least a week.

“I’m gonna puke…” he announced, suddenly.

“By the six, Gladiolus!”

Ignis tried to guide him to the bathroom as fast as he could, but there was still a trail of vomit left behind them. Gladio proceeded to empty his stomach in the toilet, while Ignis held him by the shoulders, making sure he didn’t lose his balance.

“Feeling better?” he asked.

“I guess…”

There was vomit on his clothes, and Ignis couldn’t just leave him in that state.

“I’ll help you take a shower,” he said.

With some effort, he managed to free Gladio from his dirty clothes, dropping them on the floor, together with his own jacket — which, at that point, was only staying in the way. He turned on the shower, waiting until the water became warm, guiding Gladio to it. Once he felt the water on his body, he grunted, trying to leave.

“You need to clean yourself,” said Ignis in a patient tone.

Gladio tried to leave again, but Ignis stood in his way.

“Gladiolus Amicitia,” he said in a serious voice. “Stop being difficult and allow me to help you.”

Maybe because of Ignis’ tone, or maybe because he simply got tired to fight back, Gladio stayed put, under the shower. Ignis felt a cold shiver, and realized his clothes were drenched.

“Hey…” Gladio’s voice called his attention. “Do friends usually do stuff like this?”

“Like what?”

“Undressing each other, being together under the shower… Y’know, this stuff.”

Ignis took a deep breath. Of course he was conscious of the situation, but he couldn’t let that stop him. There were more important things than his own personal feelings to worry about.

“You’re aware that I wouldn’t need to do any of this if you hadn’t drunk more than you should, right?” he asked back.

“Way to put the blame on me…”

“Except you were to blame from the start. Drinking like that, and all else.”

Ignis turned off the shower, helping Gladio walk out of it, quickly drying his body with a towel. He guided him back to the room, carefully avoiding the vomit on the floor, walking Gladio to the bed, making him sit there as he got some clothes from his wardrobe. He found some difficulty in convincing Gladio to wear pants, but somehow managed to do it. When he tried to put a t-shirt on him, though, Gladio leaned on him, almost making him fall under his weight.

“Ignis…” said Gladio in a low tone. “You know how I feel about you, right?”

Ignis lowered his eyes, letting out a deep, tired sigh.

“I don’t think we should have this conversation now,” he said, carefully pulling Gladio away from him.

Gladio cursed under his breath.

“You’re so complicated…”

“Says the one who can barely stand on his own. Come on, raise your arms.”

Gladio did as he said, and soon he was fully clothed again. Ignis helped him lay on the bed, and only then started to pay attention to his own clothes.

“I can’t go back like this,” he searched the wardrobe for something he could wear. “I’ll borrow some of your clothes, if you don’t mind.”

“Or you could just spend the night here,” suggested Gladio.

“I think I had enough of you for tonight.”

“You could never have enough of me,” he laughed. “You’re even taking my clothes.”

“Is it even worth it to remind you of the reason?”

Ignis took the smallest pair of pants he could find and a hoodie. They were comfortable, but, as expected, way too big for him. He turned to face Gladio, who was gawking at him, bitting his lower lip.

“I just discovered a new kink…” he muttered.

Ignis counted to ten and asked the Astrals for patience. He reminded himself that Gladio wasn’t his normal self at the moment, and that he shouldn’t get mad at him. He approached Gladio, placing a pillow under his head, covering him with a blanket.

“I’m hungry…” he grumbled.

Ignis sighed.

“Alright, I’ll make something for you.”

He went to the kitchen, searching it, realizing both the fridge and the food cabinet were equally devoid of anything he could use to make a proper meal. There was, however, a few Cup Noodles and some other pre-made food on the shelves. Didn’t that man eat anything but that? He made a mental note to discuss the matter when he was sober again.

Without many options, Ignis prepared one of the Cup Noodles, approaching the bed when it was ready.

“Gladio…” he called.

But Gladio had fallen asleep. Ignis simply looked at him for a moment, deciding not to wake him.

“And you say I am the complicated one…”

He placed the Cup Noodles on the counter, and proceeded to clean the floor and put the dirty clothes on a bowl with water. He should clean them as soon as possible, but he was tired. He just wanted to lay on his bed and have a long night of sleep.

But, as tempting as the thought was, he knew nothing good could come from leaving his friend alone in that state. After a minute of consideration, Ignis took a chair, placing it beside Gladio’s bed.

“It’ll be a long night…” he thought.

Gladio woke up with his head aching. His mind was foggy, and he could remember little more than brief fragments from the prior night. He looked beside him, seeing Ignis there, sitting on a chair with the glasses on his lap, asleep.

“Iggy?”

His low voice was enough to wake him up. He looked at Gladio, putting his glasses again.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Like shit…” admitted Gladio. “My head is killing me.”

Ignis got up, stretching his back. It crossed Gladio’s mind that the chair wasn’t among the most comfortable places to spend the night.

“Where do you keep the medicine?” asked Ignis.

“Bathroom. Cabinet.”

Ignis walked to the bathroom. He came back seconds later, approaching the sink, filling a glass with water.

“Here,” he said, offering Gladio the glass and the pill. Gladio drank it, and the cold water, more than anything, made him feel a little better.

“What time is it?” he asked.

“Little past three in the morning,” Ignis took the glass from him, placing it in the sink.

“Shit…” he felt a sting of guilt in his chest. “You’ve been here all this time?”

“I couldn’t leave you alone in that state.”

Gladio closed his eyes, trying to force his memory. Things started to come back to him, and he soon wished they didn’t.

“Are you hungry?” asked Ignis, calling his attention. “You fell asleep before you could eat.”

“Ah, yeah… But—”

“Besides, you really should buy something other than instant noodles to eat,” Ignis interrupted him. “You’re as bad as Noct when I leave him alone for a few days.”

Gladio smiled, but the guilt soon made the expression fade.

“Sorry,” he said.

Ignis didn’t say anything, approaching his bed when the food was ready. Gladio ate in silence, only then realizing how hungry he was feeling. As soon as he finished, Ignis sat on the border of the mattress, looking at him with a serious expression. Gladio averted his eyes.

“I think we should talk about what happened,” said Ignis.

“Iggy, I’m really so—”

“Stop, Gladio. I’m not asking for you to apologize, I just want to know what’s wrong.”

Gladio stayed silent, avoiding his gaze.

“You’re not one to drink carelessly like that,” insisted Ignis. “There’s something bothering you, isn’t there?”

Silence again.

“Gladio…” Ignis placed a hand on his arm. “Please, talk to me.”

Gladio hesitated, not sure of how to start putting his thoughts into words.

“I don’t know,” his voice was little more than a mutter. “I’m just thinking too much.”

“About what?”

He made another pause. Ignis waited.

“I never thought too much about it, being a Shield and all. But after what happened…” he touched the end of his scar. “I realized I could just… I don’t know…” he pressed his lips together for a moment. “Die, any day, just like that.”

That word felt like a stone on his chest, but after saying it out loud, it became easier to proceed.

“It was such a stupid fight, and still… It made me realize it’s not because I’m a Shield that I’m invincible. It should be obvious, but… I never thought about it before. Being a Shield doesn’t mean I’ll always be able to protect Noct. I can fail at this… I can die, and then there’ll be no one to protect him.” His throat felt dry. “He was crying so much at the hospital, I didn’t know what to do. It… It made me think of Iris. If anything happened to me, she’d cry like that too, and it’d be my fault.”

He felt tears in his eyes, and tried to hide them with a nervous laugh.

“I’m not making any sense, am I?”

“That’s not true,” said Ignis. “It’s alright, Gladio… I understand.”

Gladio didn’t answer, his own words still echoing on his mind. He clenched his fists, all of those thoughts suddenly feeling like too much to bear.

“I’m scared…”

As soon as he said it, something broke inside him and he started to cry. Ignis put his arm around his shoulders, bringing him closer, hugging him. Gladio leaned his head against his chest.

“It’s alright…” muttered Ignis to him, caressing his hair. “I’m here with you… It’s going to be alright.”

Gladio didn’t know for how long he stayed like that, but when he finally calmed down, he felt exhausted. It was like he had cried away every single feeling that was inside his chest, and now he felt strangely empty. Lighter.

“Sorry…” he said after a while. “I think I needed to let all this shit out.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you talked to me.”

He looked at Ignis, offering him a light smile.

“I don’t think I’d be able to talk about all this with anyone else.” He hesitated for a second, then reached for Ignis face, gently caressing it. “Thanks for listening.”

Ignis smiled back, placing his hand over Gladio’s, holding it against his face.

“Iggy…”

“Hm?”

“Can you stay with me?”

“Of course.”

They lay beside each other, their bodies close, legs entwined. Ignis’ presence and warmth felt good. Comfortable. Calming.

For the first night in a long time, Gladio felt completely at peace.

[redpink-archive]

show me healing

“I’m here if you need a person.” small piece i was inspired to write after noticing how sad rosa looked in the show me going ep of b99, i felt like rosa’s and jake’s friendship could be expanded a lot more so this mess happened lolol also pls bear w me as this is my first time ever writing a fic omg be kind…. also shoutout to tilde (@sergeantames) for helping me edit this u are amazing ily anyways w/o further ado, here is my fic also alternatively titled rosa + jake + emotions lol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The air is cool when Rosa steps out onto the balcony to get some fresh air. She lets out a sigh of relief; she wasn’t used to having to deal with so many emotions and so many people hugging her in such a short span of time. A part of her was grateful for her squad. She loved them all so dearly, and seeing their relieved faces when she walked back into the precinct did pull at her heartstrings, maybe even enough to make her feel like crying. She’d never tell them that, though.

The immense love that she had for her team slowly morphs into an uglier feeling, something she doesn’t even know how to describe. She sits down on one of the concrete ledges and tries to untangle her thoughts. She feels angry, she feels horrified, she feels anxious, and mostly, she feels so small. The events of the day replay over and over in her head but nothing makes sense, nothing feels real. She barely feels real herself. The last thing she remembers clearly is relaying her badge number and name to the dispatcher right before joining two other detectives who were headed to the hotel as well. Everything is a blur after that, and the only thing reminding her that she’s still alive is the coldness of the concrete she’s sitting on.

“Hey.” Rosa hadn’t heard the balcony door open and nearly jumps out of her skin as she turns to face the person who came to check up on her.

Jake.

“Sorry,” he quickly adds as he walks over to where she’s sitting. “I didn’t think anyone would be here, and I just needed to process some stuff, and the cold air weirdly makes me feel less alone.”

Rosa turns her head back and focuses her eyes on the building that she had been staring at before Jake came.

“Yeah, the cold air is the only thing reminding me that I’m real right now,” she says without breaking eye contact with the building. She feels Jake sit down next to her on the concrete.

“How are you, Rosa?” His voice is soft, and this has more of a profound effect on her than she was expecting it to. She pulls herself together and turns back to him.

“I- I don’t know, I’m fine.” She watches Jake’s brow furrow, and swivels her head back to face the building. She doesn’t need sympathy, she just needs time to forget. She already feels herself repressing the events of the day, and she’d rather leave them at that instead of trying to unpack those events right now with Jake.

“I understand if you don’t want to talk. I just hope you know that I’ll always be there for you if you ever find yourself in a bad place, ok?” The simplicity of his statement is highlighted by his matter-of-fact tone. They’ve been through a lot together, and she knew that he always had her back. “I’m here if you need a person,” he adds.

She wasn’t expecting to reply, but her words spill out faster than her brain can think to stop them. “I don’t know how I got back, Jake. I told you that it was prank, and that I didn’t use the elevator on purpose, but honestly, I can’t remember walking back into the precinct. I literally think I just saw stairs and climbed up them, uninhibited, and ended up on the fourth floor. After I responded to the call, I think my brain switched to autopilot because I don’t remember making any conscious choices, I just remembered my training. I didn’t even feel like a person.” She wasn’t used to sharing so much about what she felt to others, even though she had known Jake the longest out of all of the detectives in the 99th precinct. She felt so exposed, but even that did not stop her from continuing.

“I do remember thinking about what if I died right there. A part of me was ready, I think, to die.” She’s shocked at her own revelation, but the more she thinks about it, the more she realizes that it was true. Rosa had been ready to sacrifice herself. For the job. For the civilians caught in the crossfire. For the people who left their homes today and didn’t return, and the families who they left behind.

“Were you really?” Jake’s voice cuts through Rosa’s thoughts like a knife. It sounded too hoarse to be his own voice, and he hadn’t noticed that he’d been holding his breath the whole time she was talking. Rosa looks down at her hands.

“Yeah,” she starts, “but I would have missed you guys a lot.” She lets out a small smile and looks up at Jake, but quickly looks back down when she sees him staring off into the distance with eyes that were a little too shiny. After a brief awkward silence between them, she gently nudges his shoulder.

“Hey, I’m sorry for freaking you out with what I said. I don’t really know where a lot of that came from.”

Jake promptly turns his attention back to Rosa. “No, no, please don’t apologize. I wasn’t even there when it happened, I don’t know why …” He trails off, struggling to find the right words to say what he feels but Rosa cuts him off.

“You know, on the way back here, I thought about you a lot, and all the stuff we’ve gone through together, and how scary it was to not have you there in a time of crisis. I mean remember being on Hawkins’ task force? That was some scary shit. And going to jail? Even more scary shit. But it was easier to go through it with my best friend, you know?” She watches Jake hastily rub his eyes with his sweater sleeve. He lets out a soft chuckle.

“Best friend? Some best friend I am, I don’t even think we got a chance to talk about what happened on that task force after everything ended and we came back.” Jake lets his anger seep into his words. He had always regretted not sitting down and talking with Rosa about the task force and the trial and being in jail for months. Sure, the whole experience had made him doubt his decision-making skills for a while after he witnessed firsthand how easily it was to be able to put away two innocent people. He became more cautious when determining the guilt of a potential suspect. It’s what made him a better cop, according to Holt. “You see it as a weakness, but it means you’re growing,” he had told him. But what about Rosa? How had the experience affected her?

She steps in before he has a chance to continue. “Hey, that’s equally my fault. I mean, I could have also initiated something.” Jake looks unconvinced, so she backtracks. “Okay, fine, I probably wouldn’t have, but it’s fine. You had a lot of things going on, you proposed!” Jake’s face lights up at the memory of that night and his huge surprise to Amy, and Rosa laughs at his very predictable reaction. “There was no reason for us to talk about it in the midst of all of that,” she shrugs.

“But that’s not the point of a friendship,” Jake argues. “Any person can be there for you when it’s convenient. Friends are supposed to make room in their schedule for you, especially when you’ve know each other since the Academy, and especially when you’re best friends,” he tells her.

“You know, I always considered you my closest friend because you didn’t try and talk to me about personal matters. Back then, it seemed like everyone was always itching to know everyone else’s ‘story’,” she says while making air-quotes with her fingers and rolling her eyes. “You were just content to test out the cool guns that were there, and it was refreshing.”

“Okay, there’s no need to make me out to be some sort of gun fanatic,” Jake huffs, making Rosa laugh again. “And while that may have been true at first, I think we’ve come too long of a way to not be able to be more open about how we feel out on the field, because … you’re right. It is scary out there, and it’s too easy to let that consume you. I mean, doesn’t a small part of you want to be more like the Swedes?” Jake breaks into a smile, eyes glittering, but not for the same reason as before.

“God no, and I’ll have someone mercy kill both of us if we ever end up like that,” Rosa deadpans while Jake struggles to contain his laughter.

“You KNOW people that can do that kind of stuff?” He asks incredulously, and Rosa makes a face.

“Oh come on! You were just telling me how long you’ve known me for!” She pretends to be offended at Jake’s gross underestimation of her vast amount of connections with shady people. Jake looks equal parts amused, impressed, and worried. She lets out a chuckle, but it’s quickly replaced by silence. “But I do want to thank you for looking out for me. I know I have a hard time talking about stuff like this but I appreciate you trying.” She pauses for a second, then continues. “And I’m sorry for not realizing that our friendship isn’t something that we can just half-ass.”

“That’s right, we must full-ass it!” Jake exclaims, a part of him actually being genuine. He transitions quickly back into being serious. “I’m sorry, too. I was really worried about you being alone and in danger-”

“I wasn’t alone, Jake,” Rosa reminds him.

“Well you were without the squad, our squad, so, a part of you was alone,” he justifies himself. “But, yeah, we were under orders to stay back, and I felt like I wasn’t doing anything to help so went directly against Holt and left with the intention of helping out at the hotel. But I hadn’t even gotten to my car before I realized that Holt was right, and that the squad needed me there to help them not repress their fear about this situation. And you need the same thing, we all do. I mean, God knows me and Amy are going to talk about this when we get home. I can’t even imagine what would happen if one of us…,” he trails off, lost in thought, leaving the sentence suspended in thick air. He shakes his head and continues. “The point is, emotions are hard, and we are all still learning how to express them in healthy ways, and I want you to learn with us.”

Rosa sighs. “I want to, too,” she manages to say after the bit of silence that passed while she was digesting Jake’s words. And she really did want to.

[gabriellapatterson-blog]

Challenge 7 part 2

I sat in a big chair in the women's room flipping through a book called Red Queen that I had found in the library. I was starting to get frustrated at this common trope. A girl whos supposed to be with a boy (i.e in a selection to compete for his hand at marriage) is distracted by some other side boy who she ends up either being endgame with or cheats on boy A with. (i.e getting a crush on said person’s brother). I grumbled as I was starting to get annoyed at Cal and Mare. JUST STICK TO THE RIGHT BOY GIRLS.

I huffed and put the book down before I heard yelling from the outside of the room. It sounded like Ben and Wyatt? I considered getting up to go over and talk to them since it’s not like they can come into the wome- oh they’re in.

“Don’t tell me what I want or don’t want, Wyatt!” Ben yelled. Oh they’re fighting. Does Ben not know where he is? This isn’t really the place to have a fight. I felt like it would be rude to watch but wouldn’t it also be rude to not? To just read a book like nothing at all was the matter?

“What’s even the point of keeping this going when clearly no one wants to? Danielle said herself she barely liked me, that I was fake and annoying and—” My eyebrows furrowed. I didn’t know Danielle that well but she didn’t seem outright mean. It doesn’t seem like something she would mean or at least say without taking back. My eyes shifted over to her for a moment before I decided it would be rude to stare so I looked down at the ground and listened.

““I’m obviously not enough to keep the girls around. Or keep them safe.” He added. He shouldn’t blame himself for that. If he was referencing the attack. No one really could have prevented it, we didn’t know it was coming.  

“Half of them left me for other people they met in the palace.” I felt my heart drop as Ben said that next part. If he knew that I liked Wyatt that would mean I was hurting him. I didn’t want to hurt Ben that’s why I hadn’t told anyone and why I wasn’t planning on doing anything with my feelings. I just wanted everything to stay as it was till I left. Wyatt being my friend, us having funny conversations. I didn’t want him to go further away from me nor for us to get any closer in our relationship.

“And one of them wants you,” He added which caused my heart to jump and my eyes to widen. Did Ben know? How did Ben know? Please- just let it be some other selected.

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed you and Gabriella. How do you think that makes me feel?” My stomach churned as I felt my heart drop again. My face flushed as he had called me out now in front of all of the other selected, he told Wyatt I have feelings for him. I bit down on my bottom lip. Fuck- I didn’t want this. I didn’t even want Wyatt to know let alone for him to find out like this. I breathed a little shaky as I tried to keep myself together.

Don’t respond Gabby, don’t do anything to give yourself away. You can convince them both later that Ben guessed wrong as long as you don’t crack now. I felt a lump in my throat. I wanted to cry. He told Wyatt. There was no way I could put our friendship back together after that. I wanted to run and just bury my face in bed and cry my eyes out until I packed my bags and left.

I never wanted this. I wanted to stay with Wyatt for as long as I could. To laugh and to be happy and not to think about my impending doom in a career I hate to make my mother happy, I be stuck heart broken yet again because of some boy that just didn't want me. Because honestly, I mean who would want me? I’m just some idiot doof who can’t even keep her feelings hidden. I never should have applied for the selection. I should have just stayed home.

Staying home would have been easier. I didn’t have any strong friendships here. I mean I had talked with Ophelia and Viv but they were closer to each other than I was them. Danielle and Darcy seemed nice but I didn’t know how to approach them. Zara seemed content on her own. I like Natalya but here I am alone. The only one I have is Wyatt and now I don’t even have that.

I wanted to just keep my life, but the better version. This was the better version. Here with Wyatt, laughing, having fun, just being together and forgetting about the rest of the world and the mess that was my life.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Wyatt mumbled before he continued,  “I didn't— you know I—” Wyatt wouldn’t do that to Ben. Neither of us would. We both cared about him, Wyatt clearly more so, but he was my friend too and I never would intend to hurt him. We hadn't been together in any way that was weird, we’ve just been talking like friends. I’ve been trying so hard to be careful. How did Ben figure it out? Why was he spilling this now?

I looked around, there were guards outside of the room, maids in here. I bet at least one wont be able to hold their tongue. I shifted my attention back to the two of them and made eye contact with Wyatt for just a split second. Don’t back down, don’t look away, don’t get flustered. You need to act like you don’t like Wyatt. You’re not embarrassed to make eye contact.

Wyatt was quickly the first to turn away. “Please, just—” He continued,

“NO,” Ben yelled firmly as he took another step into the room. I bet he still hasn’t noticed where he is. “No just anything! God the one time in your life you do something for yourself it’s with this? The only thing that’ll truly matters besides my coronation during my reign?” That made me feel sour. This? He thought this was the most important thing besides his coronation? I mean not like his whole reign? Controlling the lives of hundreds of thousands of people? That's so much more important than a dating game show.

“If every obstacle is telling me to end the Selection then maybe I should listen. Go be happy. Take your stupid photos and be with anyone you want. I don’t care anymore. Just leave me alone.” Ben said saying everything he never should have said.

Wyatt considered all he had said for a moment before turning, “ okay…” He said and left. Ben watched for a moment before turning to further enter the room then seeing us all and realizing he had just made quiet the scene. He quickly left to go chase after Wyatt. He regretted it that was clear.

I stood up with a huff, pissed. How dare he? How dare he?  It was not his right to tell Wyatt that, it was not fair for him to blame Wyatt for my feelings, it was not fair of him to push his problems and his anxiety onto his brother. Ben was being a little shit. I don’t care if he regretted it, he’s a 21 year old not some 10 year old who’s excusable for his bad temper.

I walked out of the women's room each of my steps almost being a stomp. Good thing my ankle was better and I wasn’t in heels because I’m very sure the heels would have snapped from my rage walking. I wanted to fight.  

I couldn’t punch or tackle anyone now. I was mad at Ben. I wanted to kick him in the shin, hit him right across the face. Hurt him in some way for payback. I took a deep breath knowing I couldn't.

Even if Ben weren't the prince I’m still old enough that by now I should be able to control my own temper. I need to stop resorting to violence. I went back to my room and changed into one of the swimsuits I had, put a coverup on and made my way to the beach. I hadn’t officially gotten an okay to go swimming again but I was furious and needed to be outside. I needed to hear the waves again which were always so calming for some reason.

I got into the water which was thankful cold against the hot air, I had asked for a surfboard so I had one with me as I went out. I hadn’t really paid attention to the weather outside but the waves were rougher today. Good. I wanted to be thrown around. It would give me something to fight and take my attention off of all of the drama.

After I bit I walked back to the palace. My hair was dripping but I didn’t really mind the cold droplets on my back. As I walked in I felt happy. I felt clean and fresh and a little tired from all of the moving. I’d probably shower then take a nap. Then my eyes caught Ben and it was like 93% of my rage returned. I quickly turned my eyes away to try and just walk by him.

I heard him walk over to me and I knew my escape plan of intimidation and ignoring had failed, “Gabby.” My name sounded horrible in his voice. I didn’t want to hear it. I wish he had kept his mouth shut and let me go on.

I looked up at him still pissed, “Benjamin.”

He glanced away from me for a moment before he returned looking tired. He probably hasn’t gotten much sleep lately, with all the press and now this, fighting with a sibling is horrible too no matter who’s in the wrong. No Gabby, he wronged you, you’re mad at him.

“I only wanted to say I’m sorry for what I said. I had no right to say what I did, especially in front of everyone else.” Great I’m getting some copy and paste apology he can use on every girl.

“Sure,” I rolled my eyes.

I wanted to leave but a question had been hitting at my head, “How'd you figure it out? I figured distancing myself from you would help you get the idea that I wasn't super into you anymore but I don't see the jump from that to Wyatt.”

He ran a hand through his hair, “I don’t know. I saw you guys look at each other one day and it sort of... clicked I guess.” I couldn’t help but feel a bit bad for him. I had wronged Ben too. I was here for him. I liked him for a bit too, he must have liked me somewhat or else I wouldn’t still be here. It wasn’t nice of me to go off flirting with his brother.

“I should apologize to you too. What you did really hurt my feelings, especially because I hadn't even told Wyatt how I felt and wasn't planning on it because I liked where we were of just getting to be friends without drama or dealing with the hypothetical ethics of it all, not to mention I'm very sure he just sees me as a friend and I'm not really fond of rejection- anyways I'm getting side tracked-” I mumbled, “-this is why I got blackout drunk a few nights ago.” I sighed then tried to gather my thoughts to properly apologize, “I miss not having to think, but again, anyways even though you were a massive ass you're probably also stressed and having a selected like your brother wasn't a help. I mean I never intended to every do anything with it so you really shouldn't have stressed because I had planned for no one but me to know so it's not like the public would find a way to criticize you for it, but you didn't know that so I individually added to your stress so I'm sorry for that.”

He looked sad at my apology. Why? It was better than his copy paste one, “You don’t have to apologize. I know I was an ass, a huge one. But you- if you guys wanted to be together, maybe not now but…” He looked off to the side before turning his attention back to me, “in the future? You should. I’d only want the both of you to be happy.”

I chuckled a bit finding his careful dealing with the topic a little funny, “Well, I'm very sure he doesn't feel the same way. I'm planning on talking to him later and am fairly sure I can convince him you guessed wrong. Just to let you know so you don't talk to him again about me liking him. It's just easier to not deal with all that other stuff.”

“I know Wyatt. He- well, I’ve revealed enough about him already.” He frowned mostly to himself. I wonder why he’s still so sad? His garbage apology worked. Well probably because his brothers upset at him. “I’ll let you two figure it out.” The hell is that supposed to mean. There’s nothing to figure out.

I paused for a moment before thinking about my rage from earlier, “You're very lucky that you caught me right after I went out, this will probably be the first time since I was eight that I will have been as mad as I was and not ended it in physically fighting someone. To be fair it is normally, highly justified. But fortunately for you, you got to keep your nose not broken unlike the last fellow.”

We talked for a bit longer about my history with violent interactions and outbursts. Really it was just two. I was 10 and like 16 so they weren’t that serious. And I felt justified in both of their cases.

I went up to my room. Washed my hair, then took a nap. I crashed onto the bed and just let everything out. Regardless of Ben’s apology, Wyatt knew now. I wasn’t sure if that was something I could fix. I wasn’t sure if everything had just fallen apart and I’d lost my only friend here. Granted I don’t think I’ll be staying much longer now that Ben knows I don’t like him.

I kept thinking about Wyatt and how much I wanted to stay. How much I liked him and wanted to be with him. But there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t and wouldn’t ruin our friendship, or even risk it.

Plus there was the whole ethics aspect of this. Ben, I would technically be cheating on him if I tried anything with Wyatt. As long as I was in the selection I was supposed to be loyal to Ben. Dating Wyatt would be incredibly risky. I doubt Ben would follow the law and have us executed if we got together, but if anyone else caught us there wouldn’t be a choice in the matter. The people would be livid and you have to listen to the people.

Not to mention this meant I would go home soon. Back to a place where I have to act. Play a character. Someone who hates surfing, a good daughter who wants to learn. A three. Someone with the brains to play the part. To make it through life with a plan. A strict plan. A plan with no fun where I’m stuck working everyday inside some cubical or a classroom. Reading papers, organizing, or color coding. To be my scaredy cat self again who’s too fearful to talk to the people I life. To live my life shut in a cage with no hope of escape.

That or I face the war. I ruin Elliana’s childhood. I turn her into me. Always fighting to keep her family together as her older sister selfishly goes off to follow her passion not giving a damn about the damage she leaves behind her--about her sister who she left behind her. About the wreckage of her parents fighting and screaming behind a shut door but their voices are so loud that the world shakes with each hateful word they throw at each other as you just hope that maybe tomorrow something will change but it never does.

I can’t give that to Ellie. I can’t be Riley. I can’t hurt everyone around me to pursue some stupid hobby. I’m not even good. I pulled the blanket over my head as I tried to keep everything inside.   

I took a deep breath shut my eyes, and tried to go to bed. I really couldn’t I spent the night going in out of fits of crying then back to sleep, crying, sleep, repeat. Till finally it was morning.

The next day I waited for the afternoon then went to fix things. I needed to be composed. I needed to seem convincing. Unfazed. I didn’t like Wyatt so Ben spilling my secret wouldn’t bother me because it wouldn’t be true. So I had to see like I was only upset because he hurt Wyatt. Which I was but that was in addition to him hurting me.

I stood outside his door and considered knocking but decided that he may not let me in if I had so instead I went for the more direct option and just opened the door. I stumbled in prepared to talk but saw Wyatt in bed, asleep. I walked up to his bed to be sure and looked down at him for a moment. Sad because he's sad. Then I noticed the trashcan full of his pictures and frowned more. I  walks over to the trashcan and carefully took them out and smiled at them because they're cute and have happy memories. Like Ellie being a sadist and forcing me into the weirdest pose for a picture. I then walked over to his desk to set them down by his camera.

Suddenly I heard the beeping of his wrist watch. He was laying on his chest so when he moved his arm and turned his head slightly to turn the alarm off he hadn’t seen me. He then flopped his face down onto the pillow.

“You should probably wake up since I assume you set that alarm for a reason.” I said and leaned against his desk.

He jumped from the bed, sitting up and looking over at her, eyes wide open in shock. But then he looks at he opened door and blinked staring back at me, “How did you- Were you-were you watching me sleep?” He asked utterly alarmed. Normally I would have laughed but I just wasn’t in the mood. I hadn’t slept well from all the crying after all.

I shrugged, “No. I came to talk. I really just got here, then I saw you had thrown your pictures away and got distracted” I said and motioned to the pictures.

His eyes went to the box and he pressed his lips together, shifting to let his feet touch the floor and reaching for his shoes—not facing me, “You should’ve left them where they were.

”I shouldn't have that's not where they belong. Why are you putting shoes on?” I asked.

“Am I required to stay barefoot during our conversation?”

“I mean a lot of people just don't like wearing shoes when they're in their own area. You can wear shoes if you want.” I paused for a moment and decided I should get started on fixing things,

“I don't like you like that by the way. I don't know where Ben got the idea from but it's not true.” He clenched his jaw.

“Well, obviously I like you as a friend but not like romantically. That would be unethical and not correct. Sorry if I did anything to make him think that since he yelled at you for that for one thing.” I said mumbling the rest after my first sentence.

He leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees and sighed, “Gabby..”

God, I annoyed him didn’t I? “Huh? Sorry, I don't mean to bug you I just wanted to clarify that.”

“I see.” He replied and stared at me. Wyatt hadn’t really been like this with me before. It’s because he and Ben are fighting I’m sure. Riley always closes off to me when we argue.

“Oh well I wanted to talk to you about Ben too. I'm sure I don't fully understand how you feel or the fight, especially because the closest thing I've had to this with my siblings I acted more like Ben, but you should hear him out. People say things they don't mean when they're mad because they get defensive and try to hurt the other. They can be especially good at it if they know the person because they know where to hit. Ben seems really sorry from what I've heard. Talking to him will help you move past this as opposed to sleeping in your room and pushing him away.”

“I’m not avoiding him.” Yeah and I’m mature. A total lie. He mumbled, “I just need some space... and that’s what he wanted anyway so”

He trailed off, chuckling softly but not it of amusement. He stared at his hands for a moment, then shook his head, “Look, he’s going to feel bad about what he said, there’s no way around that. I’m not- I’m not mad at him. But I don’t want him to keep lying for my sake.” He swallowed and rubbed the back of his neck, “I understand if he doesn’t want to put up with me anymore.”

I understood how Wyatt felt. At least a little. Riley had pushed me away before, not wanting to deal with me being her little sister. Especially when she was a teen and I was still a child. She didn’t want to hang out with me. But I also feel the other way around. I was always picking up after Riley. Fixing things with mom. Keeping everything together while she chased her dreams. I have said some nasty things to her before out of frustration at always having to deal with her.

This was different though, Wyatt hadn’t done anything wrong. Ben attacked him without reason. Ben needed to apologize point blank. And I know he has, but Wyatt needs to listen. So I need to think about who I was in those times where Riley was sick of me for once. To try and relate. This was the first time I had really seen Wyatt upset and I already hate it.

“If you talked with him you'd know that's not how he feels at all. He was just mad and had an outburst. Like when a kid says they hate their parents.” I mumbled a bit to the side, “Which really he did act like a child.” I then focused back on him, “Anyways, he didn't mean it and taking a depression nap and throwing away your pictures isn't going to fix anything. Which by the way they're great pictures he just went for a low blow.”

“It’s not a depression nap. I didn’t sleep much yesterday. And I know he was lashing out. I know how he gets. I was hoping I could get to him before that and, we’ll, clearly I didn’t succeed. But what he said...a part of him must think it’s true.” His breathing got shaking and he rubbed his eyes, “Heck, I think it’s true. I didn’t throw the pictures away because I think they’re the worst. I threw them away because they’re not that special. Which is why I don’t do photography as more than a hobby. There’s no point. I take pictures because I want them. I’m not sharing them with the world. Especially not to your dad like they’re some great gift. He actually wanted to pay for them.”

I plopped down on the bed next to him. I knew a bit of how he felt. With my surfing. I wasn’t anything special but I loved it. Though, Wyatt’s different because he’s special. He’s good at it, “You're a good photographer. Plus you seem to really like it. Since you like it so much you should continue regardless of the quality. Which by the way your pictures are again great. Even if sometimes you don't think they look the best everyone else loves them so just try to think about that when you can't get yourself to like them.”

He doesn’t say anything for a moment but then mumbled, “I like them.”

“That's good then. Because you like them and everyone else loves them. So no more pictures in the trash, okay?” I asked.

He glanced at me and the hint of a smirk appeared as he muttered, “I’m not a little kid.” But then he looked at the floor again, “Thanks..”

I chuckled and decided to make the mood lighter, “If either of us are the little kid it's me, my temper is as uncontrolled as a ten year old's. I got very close to deciding to go tell Ben to be ready to ball up.”

He genuinely chuckled, “Are you going to defend my honor, Cupcake?”

I smiled happy that it seemed I was getting through to him, I then leaned back on the bed with one arm behind me and held up  the other up and smirked, “Of course, what else would I do with these perfect guns.” My other arm being up was for showing off.

He hit me gently with the pillow that was next to him, still smiling a bit, “Be careful. Ben bruises easily.”

“I talked with him earlier so I think now I've calmed down enough that I can just verbally defend you honor. Though, I will keep that in mind in case we ever square up.”

He nodded and thought for a bit, “Did he apologize to you?”

“Yeah he did. I suspect he's been doing rounds to apologize to all the girls. He looked absolutely horrified when he finally realized what room he had been in.”

“That’s good.” He said then fidgeted with a button of his cuff and then spoke ”You didn’t have to come here but um, I appreciate it. Next time knock though.

I chuckled, “Right sorry. I was worried you would be like "Leave me alone angst angst angst, somehow death glares through the door.

He laughed, “ I would never sound like that! And that’s physically impossible.”

“I'm not quite sure what's possible with you and that glare. Sometimes I feel like it's like you've put a curse on me. Or that I'm already being murdered. It's intense. Though, Ben said earlier that when I glared at him it was good enough to scare children.” I crossed my arms proudly.

“So that means you scared him?” Wyatt asked as he must have heard me call him a child earlier.

I laughed, “I actually did scare him. Though, he still talked to me so it didn't have the total effect I wanted. You'll have to teach me the death glare.”

“It took me years to master. Besides, you’re too cute to ever be convincing.”

I felt my cheeks flush. He called me cute. Oh my god he called me cute. Probably in a non romantic way but still HE CALLED ME CUTE *blasts off like Rudolph in the movie* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dm94FmRX6c0

“wouldn't think you'd be good at death glares since you're such a dork but I'd be wrong. Who knows maybe I'd do great at them.” I replied as I tried to hold in my giddiness.

He cleared his throat as I said dork for some reason, then looked at the ceiling, “I don’t know, you’d look like an angry chipmunk.”

I looked back at him and saw him looking at the ceiling then reached over to turn his head to face me and I tried to glare, “Did it work?”

He turned red as I suddenly realized the proximity of our faces and turned red myself, “Nope, sorry to disappoint.” He pulled back quickly, and rubbed his nape awkwardly and looking away.

“I should probably head back to my room now. My maids will want to get me ready for dinner and I'm sure you have whatever you set an alarm for.” I said totally embarrassed and wanting to go. I was supposed to be convincing him I didn’t like him. Not pushing out faces two centimeters apart.

He cleared his throat, “Sounds about right.” He quickly stood and offered me a hand.

I took his hand and got up, “See you at dinner, table mate.” I excused with a thumbs up then turned to leave.

[hysterialevi]

Where the Demons Sleep pt. 6 (Cobblebats)

From Oswald’s POV

Slipping the boxing gloves onto my fists, I prepared myself for the next fight as the crowd outside gathered, filling up the entire building with busy chatter. The audience today seemed much larger than the one from the last match, and I even recognized a few faces scattered among the sea of people. It looked like word was getting around about me, and I could see a some fans avidly searching around for me. I only hoped they would be generous enough to leave a few pounds behind. After all, I didn’t have many options on how to give William the money I owed, and this plan with capturing Brannigan wasn’t exactly the most solid idea. If I wanted their money in my pockets, I’d have to give them the performance of a lifetime.

“Oi, Cobblepot!” I heard Braxton call out from my side as he entered the back room. He firmly patted me on the back. “The crowd’s gettin’ rather giddy. If you don’t get in the ring soon, I’m afraid they’ll start takin’ hostages. You ready for today’s fight?”

I nodded. “Ready as I’ll ever be. Not that I have a choice. People don’t pay to see me lose.”

He let out a soft chuckle, puffing out a cloud of smoke with it. 

“Tough as nails, this one. Just try not to get hurt too badly, yeah?”

I smirked, stretching my arms. “Who says I’m gonna get hurt?”

Braxton pointed at my smile, glowering in a joking manner. “With a grin as smug as that, someone’s bound to try and twat you in the face someday. It’ll probably be me.”

I gently placed a dramatic hand over my chest. “You would harm me? Your closest friend? Why, Hugh, I am absolutely dismayed. Since when did you become so barbaric?”

Braxton’s stern expression only appeared to stiffen further. “Keep sassing me. I’ll show you ‘barbaric.”

The two of us snickered amongst ourselves for a few, pleasant moments, simply enjoying each other’s company as the other boxers geared up around us, completely oblivious to our conversation. 

I missed being able to talk with Hugh like this. It felt like it had been so long since we could just sit down and be friends, and not have to constantly worry about William or his men. I honestly found it slightly depressing that the majority of our interactions these days were all about business, and it...kind of reminded me of my friendship with Bruce. 

Nineteen years ago, my everyday life consisted of nothing but getting up in the morning, going to school, and spending some time with him. As kids, Bruce and I thought we’d be together forever. We always came up with these crazy plans about abandoning our lives in Gotham, traveling the world, and doing whatever we wanted -- but those days were long gone. Now, I was just some lowly criminal barely scraping by in the gutter, whilst my old friend lived like a king on his father’s throne. I just hoped I would be able to reclaim mine someday.

“Hey, Oz.”

Snapping back to reality, I found Braxton peering at me from under his hat’s rim as his gentle, blue eyes examined my face, focusing almost as if he were trying to read my thoughts.

“...what?” I replied, somewhat taken off-guard. “Are my devilishly good looks distracting you?” The older man crossed his arms.

“Look,” he removed the cigarette from his lips for a second, “as much as I love your commitment to sarcasm, I can also tell when you’re using it as a cloak.” He quirked his brow. “So? What is it? What’s botherin’ you? And don’t gimme that ‘I’m fine’ bullshit. I’ve known you for too long to fall for that anymore.”

Leaning back against a nearby wall, I sighed in defeat as my gaze fell to the floor, and that photograph of Brannigan popped up again in my mind.

“Those documents you sent me,” I explained, “I looked through ‘em last night.”

He urged me on. “And?”

“There was this photo of Brannigan that I saw. He was standing with some of his accomplices, and...well, according to Rosie, one of them was...Bruce Wayne.”

Braxton paused. “...wait, what? What are you on about? Bruce Wayne? Are we thinkin’ of the same one?”

I nodded. “Yeah. The one from Gotham. The one Alfred works for. I saw him standing next to Albert.”

Hugh shook his head. “...no, no, that can’t be right. I mean, he lives halfway across the bloody world, for fuck’s sake. What interest would he have in a gang war all the way in England?”

I shrugged. “That’s what I’m tryin’ to find out.”

He thought for a moment. “Hmm. I don’t like that a Wayne is involved in this, Oz. I understand that you used to be friends with Bruce, but...considering the type of man his father was...well, can’t be too careful. Just tread lightly, all right?”

“Of course.”

With a final glance a the crowd outside, Braxton patted me on the back again, slightly pushing me in the direction of the door. 

“Well, anyways, I’ve kept you long enough. Get on out there and give ‘em a show. Also try to knock a few teeth out while you’re at it. Maybe we can pay William with the gold ones.”

I laughed. “I’ll do my best.”

Before I could take a single step out the door however, someone else had already come storming in like an angry bull, blocking my path and nearly swatting me aside like a fly. It was none other than Richie Kane, William’s son.

Richie was a colossal man, to put it simply. He may have been the younger child, but his height would’ve convinced anyone otherwise. Even at a distance, his figure towered over me, and the fact that he was mostly muscle certainly didn’t help matters. Sometimes, I wondered how the hell he even fit through the doors here.

Regaining my composure, I took a better look at him as he prowled into the room, adorning his signature, pissed expression. As always, his dark hair had been neatly slicked back, and the absence of any facial hair revealed the long, deep scar right underneath his cheekbone. He was wearing a navy-blue suit that matched his eyes, and in his hand, I saw a loaded pistol. Shit.

“Err, hey, Richie,” I greeted, trying not to provoke him. “What are you doin’ here?” The taller man approached me.

“There you are,” Richie said, irritated. He had obviously been looking for me for a while. “Follow me. My father wants to see you.”

Hugh jumped in. “And why is that?”

Richie turned to him. “None of your business, Braxton.”

“On the contrary,” he fired back, “Cobblepot technically still works for me, in case you forgot. His business is my business.”

Richie fell into silence for a minute, glancing back and forth from me to Braxton before finally complying.

“My father wouldn’t tell me the details, but...something happened last night involving my sister and Cobblepot, and he’s not happy about it. At all. He said he wants to see him immediately.”

I froze. “Your sister? You mean Rosie? Is she okay?”

Richie glared at me. “I was going to ask you the same thing.”

I stuttered for a moment, unsure of how to react. “Listen, I dunno what William thinks I’ve done, but Rosie’s fine. At least, she was last I saw her.”

The giant gangster closed the distance between us. “For your sake, she better be. Now shut up, and follow me.”

I gestured to the ring. “But what ‘bout the match? I can’t just leave all those people out there.”

He obviously didn’t give a shit. “My sister’s safety is more important than your little cat fights. You can box later. Now, for the last time, just. Follow. Me.”

As Richie made his way out of the room, I simply stood there and exchanged looks with Braxton, both of us dumbfounded. I had no idea what Richie was talking about, and as far as I was concerned, Rosie was in no danger. I supposed I would find out soon.

“We better see what William wants,” Hugh recommended, heading for the exit. “Jesus, that prick really likes to stir things up, don’t he? Nags us non-stop for a mountain of cash, then robs us of our opportunity to earn it. This match could’ve won you a decent portion of the money we owe. Unbelievable.”

I took off my gloves and pulled a shirt back on, following Braxton out the door as the crowd began to grow somewhat rowdy. 

“It’s all right, Hugh,” I reassured. “I can handle William. I just gotta figure out what he wants first.”

The other man scoffed. “Well, good fuckin’ luck with that. Sometimes, I’m not even sure if he knows what he wants. Not the best personality trait for a leader. Though, I suppose that’d require a personality in the first place, wouldn’t it?”

I chuckled. “You might be the most bitter person I know.”

Braxton grinned at me with pride, adjusting his hat as he made his way outside. 

“Why, thank you.”

WILLIAM’S OFFICE

After a few minutes of trailing behind Richie’s massive figure, the three of us finally reached the ominous double-doors which led to William’s office as low, muffled voices barely slipped past the sturdy material, murmuring in hushed tones. I could’ve sworn that the temperature had dropped by ten degrees, and the closer I got to the entrance, the more I wanted to run. What was going on? Was Rosie okay? What did William think I’d done?

“He’s inside,” Richie said, gesturing for me to go in. “I’d...be careful about what you say to him. When my father gets angry, fists often get thrown around.”

I furrowed my brow in concern. “I hope this ain’t coming from personal experience.” 

Richie frowned, looking away from me.

“He does what he has to. Anyways, c’mon. The sooner we get this over with, the better.”

Pushing the doors open, Richie allowed me and Braxton into the dark office as he stepped off to the side, locking us in and unveiling the disturbing scene in front of us.

In one of the corners of the room, I saw Rosie sitting on the floor, crying, with her head lowered in shame as her shoulders shook. There were lines of mascara dribbling down her cheeks, her hair had been ruffled up, and parts of her skin appeared bruised. What the hell happened to her?

As for William, the crime-boss was standing in the center of the office with his back facing us, and even with his hands shoved in his pockets, I could still see hints of red staining his knuckles. Did he...?

“Ah, Cobblepot,”  William said, his voice as calm as ever. “About time. We have much to discuss,” he threw a glare towards Braxton. “What’s he doing here?”

“He insisted on coming,” Richie hastily explained. “Said that Cobblepot’s business was his as well.”

William let out a disapproving “hmph,” nearly piercing through Braxton with his gaze.

“Very well. I suppose I can’t argue with that.” He slowly approached me. “Tell me, Oz...do you know why you’re here?”

I continued to stare at Rosie, unable to take my eyes off her. She was still pretending not to see me, and with every passing second, I felt more and more invisible due to the lack of acknowledgement. That was, until William wandered into my line of sight, blocking my view.

“I asked you a question, Cobblepot,” he almost growled. “I expect an answer.”

I did my best to appear unwavering. “...No. I don’t. An explanation would be nice.”

William gave me a warning look. “Careful, Oz. After all, your life isn’t the only one at risk here.” 

He returned to the center of the office, tracing a finger along the edge of his desk. “The reason you’re here...is because a certain someone told me that they saw Rosie paying you a visit last night. Alone. In your own room, no less. The whole thing was rather secretive, from what I hear. Almost like the two of you didn’t want to be seen.”

I glanced at Braxton in confusion, uncertain of how to respond. “Erm, what are you...” my eyes sprung open with sudden realization.

“Wait -- you think that we...”

In a matter of seconds, William was up in my face again, backing me against a wall.

“I’ve made it extremely clear that you are not to get anywhere near my daughter. And yet, you have the audacity to approach her behind my back, using her for your own satisfaction like a common whore.”

I stumbled over my own words, beginning to panic a little. “Kane, listen, I swear to you -- I didn’t lay a single finger on her. Nothing happened between us.”

William didn’t look convinced. “Oh? Is that so? That’s not what she told me.”

I froze, peering over at Rosie. “What?”

She wiped some tears from her eyes, barely able to make eye contact with me. I saw her mouth the words, “I’m sorry.” I could hear William’s signature, low chuckle.

“Unlike you, Cobblepot, my people know to be honest. They understand what happens if they’re not. Perhaps you’d like to see for yourself?”

Before I even had a chance to react, Richie had kicked me to the ground from behind, and restrained my arms, preventing me from making any sort of movement. Meanwhile, Braxton was trying to break free from some of William’s other men who had blocked him, and was about ready to throw himself between me and Richie. I saw the crime-boss himself walking up to me with a newfound aggressiveness.

“You’ve been a nuisance for long enough,” William cracked his knuckles. “It’s time you learned some respect.”

Snatching me by the collar, he tightened his fist and prepared to land the first punch until, out of nowhere, Braxton suddenly intervened.

“Wait!” He exclaimed, snagging William’s attention away from me. “Just...wait. This is my fault. All right? I’m the one who sent Rosie to him. Oz is innocent here. And besides, he’s one of my men. I take responsibility for his actions.”

I stared at Braxton in bewilderment. What the fuck was he doing?

William paraded over to him. “You’re the one behind this, Hugh? Is that true?”

He nodded. Though, it didn’t come off as obedient as maybe William was hoping. “Yes. It’s true.”

The crime-boss sneered. He obviously didn’t completely believe Braxton’s claim, but considering that it was either me or him who would get beat, I doubted William cared who received the punishment. And so he played along.

“Well, in that case,” William shoved Braxton to the floor, just like he did to me, “you are either the bravest or the dumbest man I’ve ever known. I’ll let the devil decide.”

Still stuck in Richie’s grasp, I desperately tried to wrestle free as the crime-boss got closer to Hugh, getting ready to beat him to hell whilst Rosie remained motionless in her corner, crying even more than before. She was almost covering her face out of guilt at this point, and she could scarcely watch what was happening. If I survived this day, she and I were definitely going to have a talk.

At the sound of a bone-shattering thud, I saw William slam his fist across Braxton’s face with a fearsome amount of strength, nearly hurling the man’s entire body onto the floor, and coaxing a squeak out of Rosie.

“D-don’t...don’t hurt him!” She pleaded. “He’s --”

Braxton cut her off before she could say more. “--Don’t stick your neck out for me, love,” he slurred out through bloody teeth, somehow still conscious. “...You’ve done quite enough.”

Falling back into silence, Rosie practically zipped her mouth shut and averted her gaze from the violent scene, hiding in the shadows of the office as William resumed his current task. Part of me wanted to run over and comfort her, and tell her everything would be all right, but part of me also wanted to relentlessly rebuke her for putting Braxton in this position. What the hell was going on in her head? What did she expect would happen?

Well, whatever the case was -- none of that mattered now. 

At the moment, the only thing I could focus on was the expanding puddle of Braxton’s blood growing on the ornate rug beneath us, spreading with every hit William sent smashing across his face. He didn’t hold anything back in his assault, and even when I tried to look away, the pained grunts ringing in my ears only made the image more vibrant in my head.

I had no idea how he was doing it, but Hugh simply refused to collapse. Even when his body threatened to break, Braxton managed to keep his head up and look William dead in the eye, almost as if he were telling him, “come get me.” It made me grateful that I wasn’t the one being hit, but at the same time, I was also worried sick about Braxton’s physical condition. Despite his brick wall temperament, he was still just a human -- and everyone had their limits.

I heard William laugh in a sinister manner, wiping his hands clean. His attention was back on me.

“Look at you,” he mocked, crouching down to my level. “Oswald Cobblepot...the so-called champion of the ring. Brought to his knees when no one’s even attacking him. Pathetic. You’re nothing but a penguin hidden among eagles. You can try to fit in all you like, but everyone knows you can’t really fly.”

I clenched my jaw in anger, gritting my teeth and doing my best to bottle up the rage.

“I don’t know what Rosie ever saw in you -- but she certainly won’t be seeing you again.” William stood up and turned to his men. “I’m done here. Take them down to the cellar.”

Hauling me off the floor, Richie aggressively shoved me out of the office along with a half-dead Braxton while Rosie stayed behind, left to face her father’s wrath all alone. Normally, I would’ve felt bad for her, and I couldn’t deny that I was somewhat concerned, but half of me found it hard to sympathize with her at the moment, considering what we just went through. I only hoped Hugh would be okay.

As I was shown off through the building for everyone to see, I felt my face grow hot with humiliation as onlookers nailed their curiosity onto me, immediately recognizing my face even though my head was down. It was beyond embarrassing to be at such a low position, especially after being praised as one of William’s best fighters, and there was no doubt I would be disappointing a lot of fans who had been counting on me. Being dragged around made me feel like a dog on a leash, and I wanted nothing more than to bury myself in a hole for the rest of my life. Though, I supposed that was exactly what was happening, wasn’t it?

“I wish he hadn’t done that.” Richie suddenly commented. Despite the apathetic tone to his voice, he actually sounded sincere. “...I’m sorry.”

I sighed in frustration, shaking my head. “Well, it’s done now, isn’t it? Can’t really change the past.”

Richie loosened his grip on me slightly. “No, but you can change how it affects you. Whether you grow or crumble from today’s hardships...that’s all up to you. No one else can make that decision.”

A bit surprised at the sentiment, I simply gaped at the brutish man for a moment, unsure of what to say.

“...erm, thanks...Richie. I appreciate the thought.”

His expression stayed serious. “I’m sure you’d appreciate a way out more.” He leaned in towards my ear. “I didn’t tell you this, but my father’s got someone else locked up in the cellars. Someone by the name ‘Aiden King.’ He’s not exactly the most cautious bloke -- in fact, he’s kind of a fuckin’ idiot -- but he could definitely help you escape. It’s something to consider.”

I nodded in thought. “I’ll keep an eye out for him. Thanks for the info, mate.”

Richie cracked a smile. “You’ll find a way out. Penguins are known to be slippery, after all.”

I smirked. “They also walk weird and try to fly.”

Richie scoffed. “Give a man enough alcohol and he’ll do the same. You may not be an eagle, Oz, but wings are pretty useless when you’re locked in a cellar. I know you’ll think of another way to escape.”

I let out a breath, looking over at Hugh. “I just hope Braxton’ll be all right.”

Richie didn’t seem as worried. “I’ve seen him in action before. I’ve also seen how much he cares about you. Trust me,” he put a hand on my shoulder, “as long as you’re breathin’, your friend ain’t going anywhere soon.”

[rreader]

Hey 😊 I just sent a jealous Bucky request where the Reader loves him but thinks she isn't good enough so tries to move on with someone else and Bucky gets super jealous but I don't know if it sent or not? Thanks x

Pairing: Bucky x ReaderFandom: MCUWarnings: Smut, a bit of swearing

A/N: thanks for sending it again, love, I didn’t get it before! Anyways, I honestly could’ve written 20 more pages on this prompt lol. you didn’t specifically ask for smut, but I couldn’t help myself. Hope you like this, hun!

                                                         *****

“Hey (Y/L/N). Your Avenger boyfriend is waiting for you,” your boss of the coffee shop said.

You turned around and saw Bucky sitting at the table in the back, waving his hand in a small motion.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” you mumbled while taking off the apron and then making your way over to him.

You wish he was. You wished for it every single day. 

“Is everything alright? Were we supposed to meet?”

“Yeah, everything’s okay. There is this event at the compound tonight and to be honest, I’m not even sure for what, but Tony said I could bring someone and I’d like you to be that someone.”

You smiled. The fact that he thought of you made you incredibly happy.

“Of course. I’d love to.”

                                                            ***

“Mister Barnes, over here, please!” the paparazzo yelled from all angles. You were waiting somewhere at the side for him to be done with the pictures and felt your eyes glued to the man you were here with tonight.

Up to this point you still didn’t know what made him be friends with you. Now you only wish he’d feel more than friendship, because the way you felt about him at this point was far more than that.

You were utterly in love with this man and everyone who watched you stare at him would see it.

You might even tell him if he wasn’t an Avenger. He should be with someone like him. Someone who could do good in the world.

When he was done he turned to you and held out his hand for you.

You smiled and placed your hand in his.

Together, the two of you walked hand in hand into the heart of the party.

“Wow.. that’s.. a LOT of people.”

“I think Tony invited some actresses and models.”

Fantastic.

No better way to make you feel shitty than look at women who are younger than you, look like goddesses and are way more successful than you could ever be.

“I’m gonna get us something to drink,” Bucky nodded and you went over to the bar to get some alcohol for both of you. You sure as hell would need it.

While you waited for the drinks, you turned around to watch Bucky once more.

He had sat down onto one of many couches that were all put to face each other and was currently talking to a woman and Steve.

You approached, a little unsure of what to do, but Bucky immediately made room for you, so you sat down next to him.

Bucky was caught up in a conversation with the woman he had talked to before about his previous heroic acts. You soon discovered that she herself, had powers and saved a village from burning down.

An entire village.

You drank your cocktail in one gulp, trying not to think about the fact that you were sitting in the middle of important people.

And of five women you could imagine as Bucky’s future wives.

You weren’t one of these five.

You took another good look at him and smiled when he turned to you and did the same.

It broke your heart but.. maybe it was time to move on and find someone else. Someone on your level.

                                                four weeks later

“(Y/N)! Oh my god, you’re in the papers!” Olivia, a colleague and good friend of yours sprinted over to you and basically shoved the proof in your face.

Some other employees came over to see what the fuss was about and Olivia was, in fact, right.

There you were, on the freaking front page of a tabloid.

“'Avenger girlfriend spotted at fancy restaurant with someone other than her boyfriend’? I’ve never said that I was Bucky’s girlfriend.”

“Wait you were serious when you said that you aren’t?”

“Wh..- Are you all thinking that I am?”

Basically all of your colleagues nodded. 

All of them.

Even your boss.

“Well, I’m not. And that guy,” you pointed to the picture of you and a man, “is the one I’m actually dating. His name is Michael and he’s great. Can we all get back to work now? Thanks.”

You turned around and angrily cleaned one of the tables.

Bucky and you had barely talked since the event. He had asked you several times if you were okay, but you always said that you were busy and had some stuff to deal with.

The good guy that he was, he never pressed, only said that he was here if you needed him.

Didn’t make it any easier, to be honest.

But in the long run, a relationship with Michael was better for you. 

You had to move on and stop dreaming about a romance with Bucky, that would never happen. 

                                                            ***

Michael and you had decided to go to some random pub for your date tonight, in hopes of no paparazzo finding you in a hole like this.

While you two were enjoying the evening together, it didn’t take you long to see someone who shouldn’t be here. Sitting at the bar, watching you with something that looked a lot like anger and something else..

He had every right to be angry. 

You kept saying you were busy and dealing with stuff, but in truth you were going on dates. 

Despite of you being in love with him, the two of you were ultimately still friends and friends really shouldn’t lie to each other about that.

“I’ll be right back, okay? Just need to powder my nose real quick.”

You got up and wanted to walk past him, but he grabbed your wrist and pulled you down for kiss.

Bucky gulped his drink down with much more force than needed and walked after you when you were heading for the back of the pub.

Instead of going to the restrooms, you went outside through the back door and waited for him in the alley.

“Hi,” you said when he stood in front of you.

He didn’t say anything, simply stared at you. There was something other than anger in his eyes, but you couldn’t figure it out just yet.

“Listen, I was gonna say something, but I didn’t know how to approach the topic.”

“You mean going out with an asshole like that?”

“You don’t even know him. And anyways, why do you care so much? Shouldn’t you be happy? That’s what friends usually feel. Not anger.”

“I’m not mad at you.”

“Then what? You’re jealous or what?”

He didn’t say anything to that.

Then you started laughing. As if Bucky Barnes would be jealous. Seriously, why would he be? He never showed any signs of feeling something more for you.

“Oh you have got to be shitting me, Barnes. This is ridiculous.”

When you wanted to go back inside, he spun you around and pressed you against the cold stone wall with his own body.

Before you could even react his lips were on yours, hard and demanding.

You probably should’ve stopped it right there and then.

You started distancing yourself from Bucky to move on from him.

A kiss like this wouldn’t do the plan of ‘moving on’ any good.

And it obviously didn’t stay with the kiss.

Your hands were fisted in his shirt, pulling him as close as possible, while both of his hands were on your hips.

The next thing you knew, he picked you up and you instinctively wrapped your legs around him.

Like this was something the two of you did every other day.

You also thanked yourself for wearing a skirt today, so getting rid of the underwear was way easier than normally.

“Tell me.. Does your boyfriend make you feel like this as well?”

“Shut up, Barnes.”

He grinned and sucked provocatively on your neck, leaving behind a huge mark.

You’d punch him later for that. For now, you were busy with getting his penis out of his pants.

You’ve thought about this moment more times than you could count and while you always thought it would be somewhere more romantic and not in a dirty alley, you felt your body shivering with excitement.

A moan escaped your throat when he was finally inside you and none of your previous fantasies about this moment did it credit.

It’s as if the two of you were made for each other. Never before did you experience a feeling like this before and the way he kissed you while slowly starting to move made everything more perfect.

Your head fell back against the bricks, when his pace became a little faster.

“You know, I’m sure..-”

You covered his mouth with your hand.

“Shut. Up. Bucky.”

He pressed you harder against the wall and kissed your neck once more.

Your legs around his waist tightened and your nails dug in his shoulders, when you could feel your orgasm approaching.

Your mouth was at his ear and you started moaning his name, up until the orgasm finally came. And then, completely on accident, you said the words you promised never to say to him.

“I love you so much.”

The second the words were out, he came inside you, kissing you once more.

The two of you stayed the way you were for a little while longer, before you entangled your legs from him and got back down on the ground.

You didn’t know if he hadn’t heard your confession, or was ignoring it. 

Once you were fully dressed again, a small moment of awkward silence came upon you.

“Did you mean it?” he asked. He sounded so vulnerable. Which was something you hadn’t thought of ever saying about Bucky Barnes. He always seemed so strong.

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Why did you leave when you love me?”

“Because you deserve someone better than me, Bucky. I honestly believe that the right one is out there for you and it’d be a shame if you wasted your opportunity with her to be with me.”

He only spoke when you had already opened the door.

“The only thing, that kept me sane these last months was the woman I love. The only thing, that made me feel like a normal human being..-” he came closer until he was right in front of you. “..- was the woman I love.”

“Bucky..”

“I don’t care about other women. There is only one I care about and she’s dating the biggest idiot I’ve ever seen in my entire life.”

You had to giggle.

“You’re kinda cute when you’re jealous, you know?” 

“I’m not jealous.”

“Of course not,” you went inside the pub and tried to break it off as nicely as possible with Michael. While he didn’t completely understand what happened, he accepted it like a real man (bless him, because apparently these men still existed), hugged you and went on with his life.

When you turned around, Bucky was waiting for you with your coat at the door.

You still didn’t feel like you deserved him, but maybe he would change your mind someday.

 Right now, all that mattered was that he loved you too and for the first time in weeks, you felt complete joy again.

[cinniharpy]

It’s 2AM. Almost. Come along and listen to old lady Amanda go on about some random shit. Maybe you too can offer your thoughts.

Tonight’s topic: introverts and extroverts. More specifically, why I classify myself as an extrovert while most would call me an introvert.

I am PAINFULLY, awkwardly shy irl. At least, if you haven’t reached friendship level 175 with me. And if you have reached that level, let me just say, I am sorry. You get the full Amanda in all her farty glory.

But if you aren’t at that level, you’re gonna see zero personality Amanda. Which is like… I dunno, all that’s coming to mind right now is Normal SpongeBob from that one episode. So. Like that. Only quieter and avoids eye contact and does the least amount of interaction possible. If you’d met her and were told you immediately had to place her within the binary of introvert/extrovert, you’d say introvert with no hesitation.

And YET.

When I was in college, I went to one of the counselors they had on campus on a whim. I was having a lot of social anxiety and decided to see if this would help at all. I don’t remember exactly how the topic came up or even most of what was said anymore, but the counselor brought up the definition of introvert/extrovert in a way I hadn’t heard it described before. She said that introverts are drained by social interaction and must recoup by being solitary, while extroverts are drained by being solitary and get energy from social interaction.

I weighed this against what I knew of myself. I thought of how I’d organize events on Facebook for trips to the movies and such. How I thrived off living in a dorm where there was always, always people around. How I desperately wanted to connect with more people, I just couldn’t get over my fears enough to do it.

I told her that with that definition in mind, I was clearly an extrovert. I must have frowned or something, because she asked me why I looked disappointed with that. It wasn’t so much that I was disappointed, but I suddenly had to redefine the way I thought of myself. But the most surprising thing about it was that this felt like it made more sense.

And whaddya know, my roommates were in a psychology class not long after, bringing home stuff from class, and I took that Myers-Briggs thing for the first time. And every time I’ve taken it I get an E. Usually ENFP.

So it was like, cool. Information I guess. As long as you believe the whole introvert/extrovert and Myers-Briggs things are valid. Which I know is debatable for some.

But I still don’t know if I know what to do with that information or if it even matters. Because, even with learning that and coming to think of myself as an extrovert I didn’t change in the ways I wanted. If anything, as time went on and I left college, I became more withdrawn.

Which was frustrating. I still think of myself as an extrovert. I could never live alone, as I’d definitely become too depressed. I like having people around, even if I’m not interacting with them. Just having other people in the same house makes me feel more secure, I work better, and overall I’m happier. I get very hype from hanging out with people and interacting with people outside the norm. Like, my roommates and I will go hang out with some other friends for a while and I’ll be so jazzed that I’ll have trouble sleeping.

But I never accomplished my goal. Which was to basically merge the two versions of me that there seemed to be: The quiet, shy, zero personality Amanda, and the other Amanda who was more of a stereotypical extrovert around those who’d achieved the required friendship level.

Because I like level 175 Amanda better; most people seem to. She feels more like “the real me.” I mean, to be honest, you guys here get a better glimpse of her than a lot of people I talk to irl. It’s easier online. But that social anxiety… And, well, just anxiety in general. It’s impossible sometimes.

Sometimes it feels like level 175 Amanda is underneath the surface of zero personality Amanda and she’s banging on the walls begging to come out. But zero personality is a tough shell to crack. And the doubts that hold that shell together are a glue I’ve yet to be able to dissolve. I hate zero personality and yet she’s my shield against the world.

And honestly? One of the worst things about that struggle is when I do meet people who know me from my online presence at conventions. Because internally I’m so excited and happy that they’d come find me and I want to talk to them and be friendly… but I worry I come off as cold. Because inside me I’m wrestling with what I always deal with in talking to people: I want so desperately to make a connection, but I don’t know how.

And that’s why my shyness is painful. Anxiety has settled in my chest like a parasite and it feels like its claws are too deep in to remove. So I’m left with this feeling of “I like the people, I just don’t know how to be a people.” And emotionally, it hurts. It’s a gap I can’t bridge and a distance that’s always kept. It can feel like a literal barrier between me and other people.

So it’s easy to understand why other people would classify me as an introvert. But I still think of myself as an extrovert. Maybe I’m not a stereotypical one externally. But what you’re not seeing is level 175 hidden away yelling BUILT THIS CITY at the top of her lungs.

Or, you know, maybe it’s all just bullshit anyway and none of us are really either an extrovert or introvert, but hey! If classifying ourselves makes it all easier to understand then maybe the bullshit is ok.

It’s now nearly 3AM. Meaning the time for over analyzing ourselves is over and we must mindlessly scroll through Tumblr till falling asleep.

Y'all today’s question of the middle night is: do you feel like you fit perfectly into either extrovert or introvert?

[yas-surveys]

162. // THEN, THEN, NOW

Then: December 18, 2014 Then: December 18, 2015 Now: January 13, 2020 (Damn it would be cool if i answered this last december anyways)

1. Where was the last place you went to hang out? Do you hang out there often? If not, where do you usually go? THEN: i can’t actually remember HAHA. maybe 7-eleven or something, yeah. THEN: at the mall i guess, well not really often, but for the christmas time i guess, since i go shopping with enzo NOW:i have literally no idea, the last time i was out was to go to school, and i dont think that counts as a hangout, DAMN IM BORING

2. When did you last speak to your best friend of the opposite sex? What did you talk about? THEN: - Friday, his love life. HAHAHA. THEN: - yesterday; all kinds of stuff, lol, HAHAHA, but we last discusses about the gift his friends gave him and he was too lazy to read the instructions so i read it for him lol NOW: yesterday! we were talking about going to the beach

3. Would you rather be called ‘beautiful’ or ‘sexy’? Why? THEN: - beautiful bc when you say beautiful, it’s kinda all in all, your personality and stuff THEN: ^^ NOW: WHY PICK ONE, WHY NOT BOTH? 

4. Do you think someone is attracted to you? THEN: probably??? THEN: i honestly have no idea NOW: yeah

5. When was the last time you used public transport? THEN: last Friday THEN: yesterday NOW: the last time i went out? january 8

6. Are there any flirty messages in your inbox? THEN: - noooope THEN: nope NOW:

7. What age do you think is the right age to lose your virginity? Do you think people are losing it too soon these days? If so, why do you think people feel the need to lose it at a very young age? THEN: - idrk, maybe when you know your emotionally ready and you have a job bc you need to support your child yourself. yeah, bc sometimes teenagers don’t think about what’s going to happen to them if they got pregnant, what they have in mind is the happiness while doing it or something, idk, maybe bc being not a virgin is a huge part of your life and stuff and they like to brag to others and stuff THEN: ^^ NOW: hOLY SHIT IM ACTUALLY CRYING AT MY ANSWERS HAHAAHAHAAHA ANYWAYS, LOSING YOUR VIRGINITY DOESNT MEAN GETTING PREGNANT MARGARET, THERE’S CONTRACEPTIVES. OH MY GOD. But sorry for my past self, I won’t say that there’s a right age to lose your virginity? Some who lost them in such an early young age are probably thriving right now? It doesn’t matter? As long as it consensual and you’re in the right mindset of what you’re doing then I don’t see why it’s supposed to matter? Like they say virginity is a social construct, which you just fucking call when you first had sex. I do think people are losing it too soon but I don’t think that’s such a bad thing? It’s a fucking normal thing that humans long. What we should talk about the issue of unwanted pregnancies and sex education. But not the point that wherein really young people are doing it? I really can’t say, I don’t have much statistics. But I do feel like that CERTAIN people need to lose it since being a virgin is now such a big word. Which is what we need to demolish. If we just unhinge that word from it’s meaning then I don’t think everyone would make such a big fuss about it? You’re just another person to have sex for the first time? Congratulations, now everybody, move along?

8. Do you make an effort to be nice to people you dislike? Would you hang around with someone you disliked, if your other friends liked them? THEN: - yeah. well, me and my friends, dislike the same people so we’re fine THEN: ^^ NOW: yea, i actually do since i believe that even though you hate somebody else, it’s no excuse to be not nice to them? so i don’t get this plastic thing tbh

9. What’s the closest thing to you that’s green? THEN: - the couch i’m sitting on right now THEN: like a placemat i’m sitting on lol NOW: pillow

10. How exactly are you feeling at this moment? Why do you feel this way? THEN: - It’s so fucking cold, idk maaaaan. i’’m just rly feeling cold. HAHAHAHAHA. there’s this typhoon in our country and it’s just so cold THEN: OH GOD, i feel really sick and hot rn and i’ve been coughing all day :—( NOW: tired, my heart’s kind of hurting from the ashfall probably?

11 So, tell me a bit about your best friend of the opposite sex. Are you strictly just friends, or is there something more between you? THEN: - ooh, enzo, just in the past question we’re talkiing about his love life bc he broke up with this girl but i think they’re coming together again since they always talk and stuff. so we’re strictly just friends, and i don’t really like to be with him since i think it’s going to destroy our 3 years friendship THEN: still enzo, i mean this girl i’m talking about, enzo ended finally this may of this year, after lots of on and offs, and he’s not been with anyone since and it’s been the same for us, just friends, we cOOL bFFS 4 lyf NOW: OH MY GOD. THE GIRL WAS ESTER FUCK ME HAHAAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHA HOLY SHIT, but it’s cool that enzo’s still my best friend

12. When was the last time you felt severe physical pain? What was the reason for your pain? THEN: - ooooh, i hit my knee on the edge of my bed. GOOD. it hurts a fuckin lot THEN: i can’t exactly remember, like severe sooOOoo idk rly NOW: idk tbh HAHAHAHAHAHA 

13 . In your opinion, what makes someone attractive? Be as general or as specific as you like. THEN: - appearance bc you know that’s the first thing people see and the personality THEN: well i guess now, it’s kind of both, i mean, sometimes, you look at what he’s doing and and his personality and just look at the appearance next and you can actually consider it sOooOOo NOW: ummm his mIND OH MY GOD. tbh now that i’m thinking of it very deeply, that’s where his intentions come from, what he thinks of you, what he wants to do for you, how much he loves, IT ALL COMES FROM THERE. SO DAMN. IF YOU’RE BOY A GENIUS. KEEP HIM. BUT LIKE EMOTIONAL AND INTELLECTUAL GENIUS.

14. When things in life start going wrong, are you the kind of person who tends to fall apart, or do you try to stay strong and hold it together? THEN: i’m kind of mixture of both. HAHAHA. THEN: ^^ still both lol, depends on the situation NOW: FALL APART LMAO.

15. Someone tells you that you’re beautiful/good-looking. Do you agree with them? THEN: - depends on who the person is THEN: ^^ NOW: i’d say thank you

16. If I came round to your house to have dinner, what would you make for me? THEN: - oh god i don’t cook soooo. THEN: ^^ NOW: but who are you? 

17. How did you meet the last person you added as a friend on Facebook? THEN: - i haven’t add anyone on fb so idk THEN: i haven’t added someone for a long long time, prolly a teacher in my school for school purposes too NOW: i have no idea who i last added on facebook. damn. so that’s still me after 5 years wow.

18. What is your relationship with your mother like? Is it a close relationship, or do you distance yourselves from each other? Why do you think your relationship is the way it is? THEN: - my relationship with my mom is great, i can talk to her about anything and stuff THEN: ^^ NOW: yea i guess, we are pretty close but not to the point where i tell her EVERYTHING, that’s just creepy

19. Can you remember the very first conversation you had with the last person you texted? THEN: - it was kirsten and i met her at 2nd grade bc it was the first day of 2nd grade and i was new andit was a big school, i didn’t know anyone so i cried and she went up to me and asked me why was i crying HAHA THEN: it was danice, and i honestly can’t remember tbh HAHAHAHAHA, we met in 4th grade NOW: it was my mom and ofc i can’t remember our first conversation

20. Do you keep up to date with the charts? Are there any songs that are kind of old now, that you still like to listen to? THEN: - nah, bc, i kinda listen to everything that makes my ears happy. HAHA. yeah. THEN: ^^ NOW: oh, hell no. i don’t even know what are the bops these days. i’m a grandma when it comes to music.

21. Who or what has been on your mind the most today? THEN: - christmas. christmas. christmas. THEN: yes yes yes ^^^ NOW: aw,,, i really do like christmas,,, hehehe, um nothing tbh

22. At what age do you think you’ll be ready to think about having children? THEN: - maybe like 24-26? THEN: as long as i’m financially stable then i’m good NOW: never. having kids.

23. Put your iPod or any music player on shuffle and give me the first two lines from the first 10 songs selected. THEN: - ‘Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck; Some nights I call it a draw’ - ‘Cecilia, you’re breaking my heart; You’re shaking my confidence daily’ - 'First thing’s first, I’m the realest; Drop this and let the whole world feel it’ - 'Give me more lovin’ than I’ve ever had; Make it all better when I’m feelin’ sad’ - 'Baby, when they look up at the sky; We’ll be shooting stars just passing by’ - 'It’s just another night; And I’m staring at the moon’ - 'It’s probably what’s best for you; I only want the best for you’ - 'Saturday morning jumped out of bed and put on my best suit; Got in my car and raced like a jet, all the way to you’ - 'When your legs don’t work like they used to before; And I can’t sweep you off of your feet’ - 'so let’s sing na, na na na na, hey ya; cmon and sing na, na na na na, hey ya’ THEN: - ‘I am not that kind of girl, who should be rudely barging in on a white veil occasion’ - ‘And i hate to say i love you, when it’s hard for me’ - ‘Your love is bright as ever, even in the shadows’ -  I was born in the arms of imaginary friends, Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I’ve been’ - ‘ My heart is sinking, As I’m lifting up’ - ‘ Wise men say, only fools rush in’ - ‘ Come on skinny love just last the year, Pour a little salt we were never here’ - ‘ He said, “Let’s get out of this town, Drive out of the city’ - ‘ Hush, don’t speak, When you spit your venom, keep it shut I hate it’ - ‘ I can taste salt water , And if I blink again’ NOW: OH MY GOD IM LAUGHING AT THOSE ANSWERS OKAY HERE’S MINE -  She's got a family in Carolina, So far away, but she says I remind her of home - You’re white dress, sparks words spontaneous -  Ain't never felt this way, Can't get enough so stay with me - After the war, I went back to New York, A-After the war, I went back to New York -  Darling, darling, doesn't have a problem, Lying to herself 'cause her liquor's top shelf - I wanna pick you up and scoop you out - I've got a secret for the mad, In a little bit of time it won't hurt so bad - Mr. Vice President, Mr. Madison, Senator Burr - You keep saying that you’re alright, but I can see you through your fake smile you’re not - 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, There are 10 things you need to know

24. The last time you went for a night out, who did you go with? THEN: - i don’t rly go on night outs but maybe the last one will be last october 28 wt my friends THEN: i still don’t go on night outs, well i mean, the latest i came home this month was 10:30 and i was out christmas shopping with enzo so NOW: my college blockmates i think?

25. Do you know anyone who doesn’t use Facebook, or dislikes it? Do you like or dislike it? THEN: - yeah, one of my best friends, laya, she hates it HAHA but we need to use it for school stuff. and laya actually keeps an eye on things, she wants not to be noticed on fb and stuff HAHA. i don’t really dislike it but i don’t love it either THEN: well laya has not been ranting about fb and she’s been using it a lot for chat purposes so, as of now, i don’t know anyone NOW: i don’t think so, neither

26. Have you ever mistaken a complete stranger for someone you knew? THEN: - yeah, but i think, i haven’t came to them (*i came to them, 2020) and said hi HAHA THEN: yeah NOW: yea

27. What did you have for breakfast this morning? THEN: - just bread and peanut & butter, and i’m rly hungry rn THEN: well i got out of bed like 3:36 or something, and there was no food so i ate this good large bread HAHAHAHAH and just some nerds and chocolate and that’s all the food i’ve eaten today and it’s 8:40 already and i haven’t had a proper meal yet, i’m really hungry NOW: tocino

28. Have you ever made a promise to someone that you didn’t keep? THEN: -  yeah, i think we all have THEN: yeah NOW: yeah

29. Are you ever afraid to show how you feel? THEN: - yeah, i’m always afraid THEN: ^^ yep, i am still NOW: depends on who i am with

30. Have you ever been blamed or got into trouble for something that wasn’t your fault? THEN: - yeah THEN: yeah NOW: yeah

31. Have you ever wondered what death might be like, and what might happen afterwards? It’s depressing to think about I know, but do you have an opinion about it? THEN: - yeah, oh my gods, it’s just so confusing; what would the people feel if i died and stuff, and what would happen to me, would i still see my friends and stuff THEN: i’ve been reading a lot of books associated with death, i guess, and it’s making me think more, and i guess, it’s just sleeping forever and it’s quite creepy NOW: yea of course, i don’t really have an opinion about it? but i do wonder what happens next? do you really lose unconsciousness and just drift away? 

32. Tell me something you like about your life, and something you dislike about it. THEN: - oh god, it’s gotten pretttty chaotic, i’m miserable and depressed and confused than before THEN: my life rn has beeeen a complete mess, GOD, i don’t like it. i really feel down and i mean being on christmas break is actually heping me a lot sine there NOW: i honestly can’t think of one things that’s going in the right direction at the moment, yesterday I was fucking crying my eyes out and promised myself to get checked as soon as I can.

33. Choose 10 people at random. THEN: 1. Ysabel 2. David 3. Enzo 4. Ester 5. Laya 6. Earl 7. Pamela 8. Nica 9. Kirsten 10. Kris THEN: 1. Kirsten 2. Enzo 3. Laya 4. Danice 5. David 6. Hannah 7. Pamela 8. Ricafort 9. Ysabel 10. Vito NOW: 1. Kirsten 2. Raphael 3. Enzo 4. Kate 5. Derick 6. Aly 7. Cely 8. Miki 9. Joui 10. Vanessa

34. Do you think 1 would ever help you out if you were in trouble? - i hope so NOW: yea

35. Would you swap places with 2 for a week? - sure, HAHAHA NOW: HELL NO. 

36. What would you say if 3 asked you out? - yea sure HAHA NOW: sure

37. Who is taller, you or 4? - i have no idea, i think she is NOW: she is

38. Do you think 5 has ever lied to you? -  yeah, probably NOW: i dont think so?

39. Do you think 6 will ever get married? - yeah, why not NOW: yea

40. If you had to cook a meal for 7, what would you make? - i did the numbers random, and it ended up on pamela again HAHAHAHAA but still, bacon HAHA, the only thing i can make that she likes NOW: PANCIT CANTON HAHAAHAHHA

41. Do you think 8 will ever get married? - yeah. NOW: yea

42. If 9 turned up at your door now, what would you do/say? Would you let him/her in? - YA YA YA NOW: yea

43. When is 10’s birthday? - o god, i’m not rly sure lol, prolly april???? i’M SO SORRY VITO NOW: september 18

44. Have you ever felt jealous of 1? - yeah, i guess, but not that much NOW: yea i guess at some aspects like being rich lmao.

45. If 2 decided never to speak to you again, would you care? - OH GOD YES NOW: OF COURSE I WOULD OH MY GOD

46. What colour is 3’s hair? - black and brown NOW: black

47. Do you know what colour 4’s eyes are? - black NOW: black

48. When was the last time you talked to 5? What did you talk to him/her about? - yesterday, not much NOW: january 7 in chat, january 11.

49. Who has kissed the most people, you or 6? - we haven’t kissed anyone yet HAHAHA NOW: OMG I ACTUALLY HAVE NO IDEA!!! i feel like me? but still no idea

50. What is the age difference between you and 7? Who is older? - she’s older. but i’m still taller HAHAHAHA NOW: she is

51. Describe 8 - what does he/she look like? - oh, he’s dark brown, laya and i LOVEEEE his legs, it’s smooth, he has a pretty strong feminine side and he has a subtle curly hair, his teeth are quite crooked and HE’s REALLY FUNNY NOW: REALLY SMALL GIRL WITH A SMALL FACE and long hair and such a petite frame

52. Is 9’s house within walking distance? - no, it’s near our school and our school is 30 minutes away without traffic from our house NOW: NO WAY

53. What if you found out that 10 had sex with the person you love/like? - OH MY GOD well, starting they’re not gay and stuff but if it happened, i would just be shocked NOW: HOLY SHIT THAT IS PRETTY AND VERY UNLIKELY BUT HOLY SHIT. THAT’S VERY WEIRD SCENARIO TO PICTURE

54. Do you like your teeth? THEN: - i don’t love them but i don’t hate them either THEN: i hate it NOW: hate it

55. Have you ever been to the cinema to watch a film, and ended up walking out because you hated it? THEN: - nope THEN: i have never done it, it’s just like wasting money and why watch a film when you know you wouldn’t like it NOW: UGH NEVER, if you don’t like it then just sleep? it’s cozy in there

56. The last person you held hands with, is that person single? THEN: - it was carl, but we’re just friends, and it was a joke, and yes he’s single THEN: i can’t even remember NOW: no he’s not

57. How about the last person you messaged on Facebook, are they single? THEN: - yep THEN: yes NOW: nope

58. How old is the 11th person in your phone’s contacts list? THEN: - i have no idea THEN: - still have no idea NOW: i don’t know tbh, her late 20′s?

59. Does it bother you when people ask questions about your love life? THEN: - nah THEN: not rly since i have non HAHAHAHA NOW: not really

60. Does the last person you kissed have freckles? THEN: - nope THEN: i haven’t kissed anyone yet so NOW: nope

61. Is it easy for people to tell when you’re upset, or are you good at hiding it? THEN:  i have resting bitch face so people always think i’m mad or something THEN: ^^ NOW: I DONT HAVE A FUCKING RBF WHO WAS I KIDDING!!! OH MY GOD. i’m not good at hiding when im upset.

62. Have you ever thought about joining a dating site? THEN: - oh gods, idek. i really have no idea HAHAHA. but yeah lol THEN: sure why not lol, but i always thought about it being very awkward NOW: already did

63. On a scale of 1 to 10, how you would you rate your own appearance (going on how you look right now)? THEN: probably 6 lol. i look oily and my hair looks awful right now THEN: prolly a 7, because i feel like ‘I LOOK REALLY OKAY AND THIS IS NOT WHAT I LOOK LIKE WHEN THERE’S PEOPLE AROUND NOW: OH HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD A SOLID ZERO. 

64. On a scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you right now? THEN:  a 5, i just found out that my crush wants to bring evrything back gdi (Oh my GOD, HE DID NOT WANT EVERYTHING BACK, 2020) THEN: a 6, i guess NOW: 7????

65. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate this survey? THEN: - like a 7? THEN: ^^ NOW: ^^ 

[elbluehiphop-blog]

October 7th

Today is October the 8th.

My father passed away October 7th 2002 when I was Five years old and yesterday was the 15th anniversary of his death. I can’t help but have him on my mind this year for some reason. Usually the day comes, and some years I’ll remember, while other years I’ll completely forget until it’s Halloween and I’m out doing whatever to celebrate, then the thought pops into my head. But this year was different, I looked down at my phone as I woke up and when I saw the date it immediately registered. “Oh, it’s the day my dad died,” I thought, almost too casually for my own comfort. But then I also came to the realization that not only was it the anniversary of his death but it was the FIFTEENTH anniversary. Wow... 

15 out of my 20 years on this Earth have been spent fatherless. It’s to the point where I sometimes even forget other people have one and I don’t. I almost have no conceptualization for what a father is other than the Eutopian idealization that I carry with me about how I would be when/if I become a father myself. I often wonder if it’s even realistic to believe I could be a decent father, let alone a great one. And I want to be great. 

However, the strangest part of the 15th anniversary is the day before it came: October 6th. This was the day I found the saddest, most heartbreaking song I’ve ever heard. “Apple Blossom” by Esperanza Spalding. At first when I heard it I felt bliss, the way the composition seemed to speak WITH the lyrics, rather than merely accompany them was a feat that I realized I someday wanted to accomplish with my own music. I was inspired, profoundly, and for the next few hours I looped it as I studied. Each time I listened through I was trying to relive and feel the emotions I had experienced the previous listen. But I never quite did. The experience was different each time, evolving slowly from a song that brought me hope and essentially made my heart go “Awwww, what a sweet song” to falling into a beautiful (because of how the composition was constructed) nightmare I’ve dreamed many times before, and one I prayed I never lived. 

My biggest fear in life has been finding the girl I absolutely am in love with, I’m talking no doubt in my mind, always intoxicating, gorgeous love, and losing her to the cold and unrelenting hand of death. 

This is precisely what this song is about. This is precisely what my mother experienced with my father. 15 years ago. 

“With memories of when her boughs were arms that held him as a younger man together they would marvel at the birth of the springtime” 

“But now [s]he stands beneath the apple blossom every year where they used to go walkin’ -- and he tells her about the summer, and the autumn, the winter in his heart, and their apple blossoms”

“As [s]he opened the earth to receive [him] [s]he prayed heaven would be waiting to meet [him] [s]he kisses [his] cold cheek goodbye But [s]he couldn’t surrender the hopes they had sired So in [his] folded hands [s]he placed a seed From their favorite tree And [s]he laid [him] to rest ’neath a blanket of white Until they meet again in the springtime” 

I listened to this song as I studied and continued as I left the library and walked to my car, and as I drove home. I listened to the song until I got home and fell asleep. Depressed. 

The feeling was nothing new to me. For as far back as I can remember in my recent past I’ve been living in my own blue period. Living from it, experiencing through it, and creating out of it. The blue is a product of my failure to find fulfillment. I’m not entirely sure where the emptiness stems from, but I do have some ideas. Perhaps it comes from my ambitions and my tendency to be over ambitious; and if such a thing exists it surely would exist with me. Through my ambitions, I work myself until I’m depleted, and then some more. Maybe I’m just tired.

But I’m positive that’s not the only thing contributing. 

I’m alone. I have been forever, honestly. But I’ve never felt lonely until now. 

My last relationship was my only (real) relationship. The only time I was with someone who loved me and I felt I loved. But that love was not the love I wanted. I wanted the love I never had. And the love she gave me felt familiar. It felt matronly, to a fault. Over time, my body and soul understood and started to reject it by killing my animate agency, something she called passion. Something she said I lost. I did. It was because I knew what I needed and I was sure (whether or not I was right, and sometimes I still wonder) I wouldn’t find it with her. However, as she left to Mexico for the summer, she was terrified because she probably thought it was over for sure. She could probably sense my disconnection and figured the relationship had no chance of surviving until she came back. And that is probably why she did what she did down there. But that doesn’t explain why she never told me, even when she dumped me and made me feel like I was broken and could never be fixed (although, admittedly, I probably helped manifest the sentiments). Still, it was over. 

It was over and for the next three days I was in hell, but miraculously on the third day I was resurrected. Sure, I still had some shitty feelings or whatever, but for the most part I was back to being functional and decently happy. 

The next few months featured my best acting job. I seemingly managed to suppress my emotions and kill the part of me that held any sort of sensitivity to the world. 

In the midst of this weird period of being a robot, the actual love of my life, a woman I hadn’t spoken to in months called me, and she rejuvenated me, just like she always seemed to do. She lit up my life with her voice, it was that simple. We spoke throughout the rest of the day, but she revealed too much and I didn’t hear from her again for another couple of months. That was the longest period of time in my entire life. 

During that period of time I met someone else who proved to be very special to me and more important than I had imagined to that point. The problem was that she was her best friend, even though their friendship seemed to be deteriorating at the time. She reminded me too much of her and eventually I sobered up and realized the relationship I built up with this girl was a mistake. I was gone. 

The thing is, this girl made me despise and resent the love of my life. Whether it was through manipulation or through actual good intentions I’m still not sure. But the haze was not worth it to me, so I decided to pull my head from the clouds. 

I just realized that was last October. Funny... 

Anyway, the longest period of my life came to an end and the love of my life came back into my life and she did as she always did: rejuvenated me. She’s wonderful. 

Things went back to normal. 

We would always talk about the days when we were both in the same city, before she went up the coast to where she belongs, back when we were in high school and we used to sneak around just to see and talk to each other whenever we had the chance. When we used to go walkin’. 

I still love her and I’m pretty sure I always will regardless of the time that passes, of the distance between us, of the psychological barriers placed in the way. I’ll love her. 

However, all those factors will make sure we never get together.  

Yes, I have been trying to move on, and yes I’m actually being fairly successful at it. I’ve definitely never made this much progress before and that’s encouraging I guess, I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter. 

Moving on. 

I’m at school everyday feeding my ambitions, grinding in the desperate hope that someday all of my hard work will pay off and I will finally be well off, for me, and for my family. I’ve never been the type to be an especially dedicated student, but recently I’ve had the desire and the desire has been enough to keep me focused. So now I spend more time in the library, I spend more time reading, I spend more time doing my homework, I spend more time going the extra distance needed for me to have a chance at being successful. And believe me, I am going to be great. I refuse any other result. 

And after I get home from school, I get right to work again. Musically. But I’m not going to talk about that too much, you know how hard I fucking work. 

All that is to say is that no matter how much I’m working and what I’m working towards, it’s just not going to be enough, It’s not going to be what I wanted. It’ll all simply be a result of the method in which I chose to cope, but it won’t be the thing that fills the void. Though, I suppose it could be worse, I could let all this shit crush me, but that’s not who I am. 

“It took me time to realize that I’m living life for love, but that shit is just a lie.”  

I wrote that for “Until I’m gone” and the line is absolute bullshit. Love is not a lie. And even if it was, I would have no idea because I’ve never experienced it. 

But If I have experienced or if I will someday find it if I haven’t already, then I pray that I don’t live out the nightmare that haunts me. I hope I never have to put that seed in her folded hand, from our own apple blossom, as I kiss her cold cheek goodbye. 

Imagine finally finding fulfillment. Finding the love of your life. Finding LOVE, actual love. Not some half way, almost love, but the real fucking thing and having it ripped from your hopelessly weak grip by the grim reaper’s almighty grasp. Losing it all, to an unstoppable force. Something we simply can’t escape. 

I know. I know we’ll all die someday. But I pray I never see her lifeless body that was once animated by the beautiful soul I fell in love with. I pray I never have to. But if she has the same fear as me, then I guess I’ll make sure I live long enough to make sure she never has to face it, knowing that I will have to. I’ll live it all out for her, because I love her. I love her now, even if I haven’t met her. I’ll love her forever. And when we meet for the first time I know the feeling will last until I meet her again, in the springtime. 

That was on October 6th.