#anyway mom has her ups and downs over the years but eventually dies of cardiovascular disease

[multishipper-baby]

After that last post about Golden's family I've been obsessing over them and writing a whole backstory in my head for them send help

[shrekshugebadussy]

2017 has definitely been a year for me. it started off normal until about june. i went swimming with some friends and i got sick afterwards. my throat hurt and i was coughing. i had water stuck in my ears and they hurt, thinking they got infected (i used to always get ear infections when i was a kid. my ears don’t drain well). i went to urgent care and they took care of it. i then started feeling better and my cough went away and my throat started feeling better. and just when i thought i was going to be alright for good this time, i ended up fainting 3 times while at work.

i’ve fainted before when i was younger, but this time was different. i’ve never felt the heart palpitations before and definitely have never fainted more than once back to back like that. after i fainted the first time and i came to, i looked around and realized that i had actually caught myself from falling flat on the floor. but, thinking, “oh man not again, well, i should be fine now considering what i’ve done in the past.” nope. my head felt a little weird and i knew something was a little off. but i was very confused in the moment and i could really think for myself properly. my manager got me a chair and i got up and sat it in. i immediately felt worse and things started going black again. the next thing i know i’m on the floor again, this time face flat against it. my glasses got scratched and i ended up cutting my cheek a bit on my glasses. my initial reaction after coming to is to sit up. idk why. i just do. anyways they lied me back down on the floor and said they were calling 911. again, i was confused and couldn’t make the proper decisions for me, so i was like, “okay.” they thought i was having seizures by the way i was convulsing when i was out, but after i got up myself and got on the stretcher to go out to the ambulance, things started to get black again and i felt like i really wanted to sleep. i couldn’t keep my eyes open and i felt so weak and tired. i ended up fainting again while on my way out the door. they already had the monitor things hooked up to me on the stretcher so they saw that my heart rate dropped into the 30s when that happened so they knew it wasn’t seizures. i was fine afterwards after he had put an iv in me. i ended up staying in the er for about 8 hours and all they could tell me was that they couldn’t find anything wrong.

so i went home and i ended up spending the next 2-3 weeks recovering. by that i mean i got a week off work and had to go back in the second week even tho i still felt dizzy and like i wanted to faint at any moment. i didn’t, but i was only able to stay 3hrs a day that week. i pushed myself thru the lunch rush and then told them i needed to go home. the next week was better and i was pretty much fine after that. i never felt 100% since then tho, even tho most days were close. about august i ended up having some heartburn problems (i think it was. the zantac worked so i’m assuming it was). i wasn’t eating much anymore as my appetite seemed to have died when i fainted at work.

september came along and i started feeling acid reflux and heartburn again. it was kind of brutal but i started feeling better about halfway thru the month and i was going fine. but then i started running out of money and my appetite kind of went away again. i started to get so low that i wouldn’t go to classes if at all for a couple weeks. i didn’t even bother to go out and get groceries, meaning even if i wanted to eat i had nothing. i never realized how dehydrated i was either. until homecoming weekend in mid-october.

after the game my roommates’ friends came over and we all drank. it was an... eventful night, but it’s not really my place to talk about it. i drank more than i ever had in my life (which is nothing, i’ve never drank enough to get buzzed before so it wasn’t that much). i got buzzed this time and when i woke up the next day i could tell something was off. i didn’t even think that it was maybe dehydration and then drinking on top of that making it worse. i ended up going through the week feeling absolutely shitty. i would sit in class and just feel so weak and fatigued that i could barely lift my arm up without feeling like i was putting all my energy into it. i tried drinking more water but i think i was already so badly dehydrated that my body didn’t want to retain it or something. it ended up being that thursday of the week that i woke up and knew that day was going to be different. i was at my wits end. i decided i was going to go to health services on campus here, but i didn’t think i was going to be able to drive, let alone i also didn’t want to go alone. i was lucky enough i got a friend to take me. but then they said i had to have a referral from my pcp in order for them to take my insurance. i didn’t have a pcp, and the insurance place told my mom they couldn’t do anything unless i had that referral. so, as i’m sitting there trying to get things figured out, i felt like i was getting worse by the hour of the day. i was losing my patience and i felt horrible. i ended up telling my friend to just take me to urgent care.

when i got to the urgent care, i walked in and told the lady what was going on. she just looked at me and said reluctantly, almost, that with the way i’m feeling and the limited resources they had there, that i needed to be at the ER. so i went to the er and i had to explain myself again and again. that was when they did more tests on me to compare to june’s and the only thing they could notice was my heart rate being high. especially when i stood up.

they had me do the lay down, sit up, stand up test like 5 times throughout the 5 hours i was in the er. (actually the last three hours i think was when they really noticed it and kept testing it). they noticed that when i stood up, my heart rate spiked into the 120s and didn’t want to come down. after 2 ivs in the er, i was starting to feel better, but they decided to keep me overnight for observation on my vitals.

i got no sleep that night. i tried my best but i was so uncomfortable, out of my element, alone, and worried. i could hear other patients in the rooms next to me everynowandthen. at one point of the night i heard beeping and a nurse running down the hall (keep in mind i was in the cardiovascular part of the hospital stay or whatever). i kind of freaked out a bit and i just couldn’t rest. (i heard the nurse ask if he was alright and he said he was okay so idk). i also had a roommate. even tho we had the curtain to separate us, i still knew she was in the room with me. i was kind of uncomfortable with that too. i didn’t want to wake her or disturb her or anything. she was already having a lot of unbearable chest pains and all. plus, out the the 20 some hours i was there in that room, no one came to see her. i felt so bad for her. (and this wasn’t her first time in the hospital for cardiovascular events). i felt so bad for her.

anyways, i was so tired the next morning and i felt sick to my stomach. i really thought i was going to puke. they came in with breakfast and i tried my best to eat, but i couldn’t eat much. i eventually stopped trying and just laid there, suffering. my vitals thru the night were normal, but they were high normal. like, 80s-90s when laying down. when i got up tho, they still spiked into the 110s-120s. and i was already on my 4th bag of fluids. one doctor eventually came in and took an ultrasound of my heart. everything looked normal to them. the only thing they noticed (with other tests, not the ultrasound) was that i had an inverse of... some kind of waves, idr what they’re called, and one of my valves opens differently than normal. but, it’s not of any concern as they told me it’s just something people have. (learn something new every day huh?)

anyways, the cardiologist finally came in to see me after my mom got there. he started talking to me about how i felt when i fainted in june and all that. he said that it sounds like i had vasodeppressor syncope (idk how to spell it) in june and that it probably turned into POTS, considering most, if not all, of my symptoms were of pots. so he did his normal checking routine with the stethoscope and feeling my ankle and said that everything is working like it should, just why my heart rate is so high was a little confusing cuz i had 4 bags of fluids and it wasnt calming down like it should. he ended up giving me the lowest dose of metoprolol tartrate to see if that would work on calming my heart rate. if not then i would be put on the table. i really didn’t want to be put on the table. and i had really bad anxiety whenever the doctors would see me, so i shook a lot, and my heart rate when up during that time :/ but 🤷🏻‍♀️. after about an hour or so, the cardiologist came back and said that he liked where my heart rate was at (in the 70s now) so they released me that friday evening.

i went home, like, all the way home back away from school. i had my medication now and i was ready to get some rest. the only thing tho, was that i must’ve been so exhausted that i fainted again. i walked into my house and stood at the counter for awhile. i was reading the side effects and what not for my new medication and when i started reading about some of the side effects that could be dangerous idk why i thought i showed some but i started freaking out a bit and the next thing i know i’m fast walking to the living room trying to take a seat before things start going black on me. i only made it to the archway when things started going black and i said so out loud as my mom and brother were still in the kitchen. i must’ve made it to the couch tho cuz the next thing i know i’m sitting on the couch, hands on my cheeks repeating, “oh my god oh my god,” while my mom was in front of me consoling me. i didn’t come back all the way right away (if that makes sense). like. i went out and when i came too things were still partially black and my hearing felt like i was underwater and i could hear ringing. (no heart palpitations tho). i must’ve went out again not too long after that cuz then i remember sitting back up and my mom still consoling me telling me to lay back down. i was at a weird angle on the couch but i felt so tired and weak and i was afraid if i moved or even tried to get up i would faint again. we considered going back to the er there in lansing, but i seemed to be fine after the second event. my mom had never been around me when i fainted before, so this was new to her and it scared her (sorry mom). she said like what the others have told me when they watched me faint: my eyes roll back into my head and i start convulsing. which is weird cuz i don’t feel anything or hear anything or see anything, whatever. i just assumed i become limp and my eyes are closed 🤷🏻‍♀️. anyways, my grandma was called (she was with me when i was at work back in june) and she came over and they watched me for a bit. i’m sure my brother was scared too cuz he’s never seen me faint since we where kids. anyways, my mom called the nurse back from the hospital near my university and the nurse said that since i’m not a patient there anymore that she really couldn’t say whether or not i need to be back at a hospital. my mom had taken my heart rate when i was coming back and all that. i seemed to be fine, so my mom camped me out on the couch there and she slept in the chair next to me that night.

i slept fine that night. and even tho i was still not definitely 100%, i was just happy i got some sleep. i still felt super dizzy (my medication didn’t help majorly with this part) and i had trouble walking and standing for long periods of time as i was afraid i was gonna faint again. my mom helped me to the bathroom for a couple days and at the end of the week i ended up being alright to go back to school. i ended up not going back to classes right away tho cuz i still felt crappy and i needed to get used to the fact that i was back at school, alone and away from my mom/comfort.

then, halloween day, i had my first doctors appointment (and second technically as both were scheduled on the same day). i went to this one guy who is probably going to be my new pcp. the next one was the cardiologist. the pcp guy prescribed me prozac and both doctors said i was good and that they’re glad i’m doing alright. the cardiologist was happy with my heart rate and he told me he hopes i don’t have POTS cuz there’s no cure and it’s a headache to treat, but he would pretty much have to put me on the table to find out i’m afraid. anyways, i started prozac the next day and over the next couple nights i started to lose sleep. i couldn’t sleep no matter what and i was starting to feel absolutely exhausted and weak that i could barely walk to the bathroom without feeling like i could pass out. plus, my room was so freaking hot and i couldn’t open my window cuz a spider was in there so just fucking rip me i guess.

i eventually cracked open the window and my friend got me some melatonin that was able to help me sleep. i was able to get the spider with some spray but i got it on my finger and i went to wash my hands good, but when i was about done things started going black again and i somehow made it to my bed before i fainted so i was able to save myself. i lost my appetite throughout this whole weekend and my stomach hurt really bad. it ended up hurting most at night and the next morning i had gotten sick. only, there was basically nothing for me to get rid of. after i started getting some sleep i started feeding myself more (forcefully) and i drank more. i found a way to take my pill that was easier than trying to swallow it cuz at the time i couldn’t swallow it and i wasted one because of it. i ended up putting it in applesauce and i ate it that way for weeks. but, i had to force myself to eat cuz nothing sounded good and every time something went in my mouth i wanted to gag so it was rough. i eventually grew out of it and then i was able to eat well and drink more.

i missed classes for about a month. i have no motivation or ambition to get caught up on the things i’ve missed, even tho i’ve tried and succeeded on some. i’m failing about 3/4 or even all four of my classes. but i just can’t bring myself to care. i just want to go home. i haven’t been able to get a job bcuz of my condition and so i’m basically broke and idk what i’m gonna do. i felt pretty shitty this past week and today i’m actually feeling better but who knows how long that’s gonna last. i can try to get a job but idk who’s gonna take me with this condition and depends on what i can do cuz i ain’t going back to mcdonald’s where i’m on my feet for long periods of the day doing constant activity. i would faint again. i know it. and, i can’t just stop taking classes cuz then i would really have to get a job to start paying off my debts.

i can definitely say it’s been a year, but i guess i can’t say it’s been a bad one. (tbf id say the worst year was when my grandpa died and then my other relatives after that but anyways). i did get vip tickets to see my favorite band and even tho i wasn’t able to go, my friend picked up my items for me. and, i did come out to my mom and things haven’t changed between us so that’s good. she accepts me and just wants me to be happy and healthy. so i mean, this year hasn’t been horrible i guess.

sorry this was so long and if anyone even read all of this i thank you for taking and interest in me. i hope 2018 will be better for me and everyone else ❤️