#anyway just uploading otherwise they’d be nowhere

[timethehobo]

Just some Boomers I forgot to upload. He’s just fun to scribble hush.

[kylorengarbagedump]

Defy Your Authority: Chapter 4

Read on AO3. Part 3 here. Part 5 here.

Summary: David Rose voice: Oh, my god!

Words: 3200

Warnings: dude

Characters: Kylo Ren x Reader

A/N: First: Thank you to @bastila-ren and @elmidol for their beta-kindness.

I'M ALIVE. I got super burned out at my job, took 5 weeks of FMLA, got incredibly depressed, but now I'm back! Very thankfully, my COVID symptoms were extremely mild. Thank you very very much for your well-wishes and your concerns.

I wish I could express enough apology for my lack of activity, but hopefully uploading a chapter is thanks enough. You all have been so supportive and kind to me. I am SO thankful and appreciative of everything y'all offer me!

(as a side note: I know some people do not like dude, that it throws them out. I am very sorry, but in the politest way possible: I am not going to stop using it. I like it too much.)

I also hope you enjoyed the chapter! God I wonder what's going to happen next chapter. I just don't know.

Love you all so much <3

“Piece of shit.”

Growling, you tugged out another panel from the silencer’s dash. At this point, about a dozen slats of buttons boxed you into the pilot’s seat, crowding you in the cockpit. All of them looked flawless upon inspection, and this new one was no exception. Wires were attached and the circuits were complete, every switch was grounded. You’d gone over a handful of systems already, trapped in this cockpit for hours. The silencer’s refusal to function made no sense. There had to be something you were missing. 

The memory of smoke and flames licked at the perimeter of your mind. Yeah, there was a lot you were missing.

Pain burrowed, opened a well in your chest, and you shook your head, rubbing your tired face. There wasn’t time to think about anything else. Sitting forward, you started reattaching the panels to the console. You needed to focus on this.  Even though the answer to where you’d go and what you would do once you were finished remained nebulous. Even though you were now apparently unknown and unloved by almost everyone in the universe, including the one man you’d waited on for months. 

You caught a sigh in your chest, exhaling into your palms, shutting out the urge to cry. Crying right now was a waste of time. You still had about fifty systems to check, and you’d only read through about half of Kylo’s post-flight novella. Swallowing, you grabbed your datapad from the seat and flipped to the report, forcing yourself through the urge to skim.

It wasn’t like you weren’t interested. Normally this sort of thing was like a buffet for your freakish little brain. But you kept tasting embers on your tongue. Kept seeing your crew--completely unarmed, helpless fuel outpost workers--drowning in destruction. Kept hearing Hux’s voice: Multiple Resistance fighters… Heat gripped your neck, clogged your throat. Multiple fighters for a tiny station. Multiple fighters against three soft, fleshy bodies.

The First Order was not your creed; just your employer. The machine of war had always been an inconvenience to the prestige of working on elite starfighters. You knew that the loss of three cogs was nothing to that machine. In the past, it’d been nothing to you too. But you’d never eaten meals or laughed with or supported those lost cogs when they’d cried. This loss wasn’t just to war. This loss was horrifically and uniquely yours. 

“Stop.” You shook your head, tossing your datapad back on the seat. You’d finish putting the console back together, then you’d figure out what to do next.

Jaw tight, you grabbed another panel, and your grip slipped. The sharp edge sliced your palm where the wood had lanced you earlier.

“Fuck!” You dropped it and clutched your hand, seething while you tried to squeeze away the agony. Everything from your fingers to your wrist throbbed, and your chin quaked, tears burning your sight. “Fuck! Fuck!” Snarling, you kicked the panels at your feet. “Fuck!”

The thin cut felt like a sobbing gash. You tore off your jacket and wrapped the sleeve around your palm, wincing when you tightened it to the wound. 

“Stupid fucking panels!” you growled, kicking the panels again. “Stupid fucking ship, stupid fucking Kylo, stupid fucking Resistance!” The final kick dented a panel, popped off a shiny button. “Gods!”

You covered your face in your jacket and screamed until your throat crackled, until your lungs were dry. Head spinning, you drew in a breath and screamed again, stomping the floor until dizziness dropped you into the pilot’s chair. Warmth glowed at your cheeks, leaked down your back. Tremors rippled to your toes as you took in a long, steadying breath, exhaling in reluctant relief. 

You considered sitting there forever. But it only took two seconds for you to remember how Kylo also sat in this chair thinking of and dealing with everything that wasn’t you before you grunted and climbed out of the cockpit. 

The rest of the hangar seemed wholly unconcerned or otherwise ignorant to your tantrum. Wiping your eyes, you hopped to the ground, wagging off the lingering fury in your limbs. Maybe you just needed a walk. You cleared your throat and kept your hand clutched to your chest, the whispering ache pulsing in rhythm with your heart.

In all the hours you’d been in the cockpit, the Steadfast had continued to orbit Orinda. Xi-class shuttles whirled beyond the hangar entrance--probably staffed with crew collecting reconnaissance from whatever the Resistance left behind from the attack. Your feet carried you to the fuzzy blue edge of the magnetic shield’s barrier, meters from vacant space. A quiet hum resonated from its perimeter through your soles. 

You gazed into the galaxy. Orinda was a glimmering grain of sand, adrift in the celestial trenches. A fuel outpost turned graveyard. An acceptable casualty of the Resistance. Another home where you couldn’t return. That whispering ache rumbled to a hiss and cast itself over your skin, raking it over with misery, with exhaustion. Your chin quivered. The only place you could think to sleep was the silencer. Eyes falling to the floor, you turned back to the hangar.

“My quarters.”

You squealed and jumped, clapping your hands to your chest. Feet away stood Kylo Ren.

“Shit!” you said, exhaling in relief. “How the hell do you do that?” When he said nothing, you continued, “Like, sneak up on me like that.” 

“You’re not perceptive.”

You frowned. “Okay, well…” He wasn’t wrong. You sighed, shrugged. “Anyway.”

Kylo stepped forward, assessing you in your tank top, scrutinizing the tourniquet you’d made of your jacket. “Your hand.” 

“It’s fine,” you said, holding it behind your back. “Your quarters?”

His stare lingered on your exposed shoulders, on your neck. “Stay,” he said. “Until the silencer is repaired.”

“That could be as early as next cycle.” 

“Given your skill, yes.”

It was difficult to look in his direction. Every worn nerve screamed for his touch. “And then what?”

“You’ll depart to another station.”

You tried to flush the pain from your voice. “So,” you said, “you want me to stay with you through, like, one cycle, and then leave.” You looked to the ceiling in faux-consideration. “Cool. I think I’ll pass.” 

Kylo’s eye twitched. He moved closer, tone icy. “You have nowhere to sleep,” he said. “I…” He paused. His tongue rolled in his mouth. “You mean to tell me you prefer the silencer.”

“Well,” you replied, “I’ve never fucked the silencer. I never told the silencer how I felt about it. The silencer has never treated me like a stranger who just walked off the plains of Lothal.” You tapped your chin. “So, yeah, I prefer the silencer.”

He grit his teeth. “You’re no stranger.”

“Sure could’ve fooled me!” A couple of heads turned in your direction.

“Quiet,” he hissed. “It apparently takes very little for you to be fooled.”

“Excuse me?” you replied. “Run that by me again, Supreme Leader?”

“Now your hearing fails you.”

“This is great.” You offered a false smile. “This conversation is going really well.”

Kylo snarled, shoulders bunching with restraint. “You speak this way and then question why you’re unwelcome,” he replied. “Deaf and foolish.”

“Oh!” A frustrated laugh escaped. “Okay, then. Talk to you later, Your Excellency. I need a nap before I keep trying to fix your dumbass ship.”

Shaking your head, you folded your arms over your chest and stormed past him, anger blurring your vision. Stupid fucking asshole--

You made it three steps before a warm leather glove grabbed your shoulder, and you stalled, goosebumps shooting to your hands. Kylo spun you, your face inches from his, your breath fleeing and forgetting to return. His lips trembled, his jaw tightened, his gaze boring into you before it met the floor, seeking to stare anywhere else. The pressure of his fingers was firm, then floating. And then he swallowed, grip crushing your shoulder, his eyes finding you again. 

No one else in the hangar would’ve known, looking at him. But this Kylo Ren was familiar to you. 

This Kylo Ren was terrified.

“I don’t…” His voice was a feather in the air. “You are…” He averted his attention, stiffening. “You have a home.”

Your chest swelled. Water stung your eyes. “I do?”

“Yes,” he replied, utterly sincere. “But not here. Not now.”

Hairline fractures crept into your heart.

“Kylo.” Your composure cracked. All of you wanted to melt, to disintegrate into his being and know each word trapped on his tongue. There was a reason you could not find him, that he would not unfold himself to you. “Please. Why do you want me gone so badly?”

His lips parted, as if he were about to speak--and he paused. He drew in a breath through his nose. “Complications,” he replied. “Factors you do not understand.”

You stepped closer, throat tight. His breath brushed your nose. “Tell me, then.”

Kylo huffed, shifting on his feet--and his face froze. His limbs locked, muscles taut. His gaze widened, fixated on something over your shoulder. Air leaked from him, like time was slowing to a close. You blinked, looked behind you. But nothing was there. 

Frowning, you cleared your throat. “Kylo?” He didn’t even acknowledge you. “You’re really just going to leave it like that?” 

His pupils were pinpricks.

It wasn’t like you were heartless. You knew that he was attempting wasn’t easy. But what you were feeling wasn’t a sail on a skiff either. You didn’t just deserve more. You needed it.

“Okay,” you said, backing out of his hold. “This was nice. But I have a TIE fighter to repair. So.” He didn’t respond. Didn’t even move. “Whatever.”

You turned--Kylo’s focus flicked to you. His mouth dropped, like there were words he wanted to and couldn’t speak. Instead, he remained silent, fury simmering in his gaze while you pivoted away. You didn’t say anything either. You didn’t think you had to.

When you arrived at the silencer, you clambered into the cockpit, like it was a hole you could hide in until he disappeared. Shame, stubbornness, or surrender--you imagined one of these was responsible for why he didn’t pursue you, but you didn’t care. This ship repair would be your parting gift to him, and you could take off, probably spending the rest of your life wondering how you’d managed to fuck up your affair with the galaxy’s most ineligible bachelor.

Loose panels still swarmed the pilot’s chair. You sighed and put on your jacket, settling in and throwing your feet on the dash. Your hand thumped with irritation as you closed your eyes.

Just a couple of hours. That’s all you needed. Then you’d keep working like the foolish little--

Clank.

You yelped, flinching in your seat. 

Clank.

Heart fluttering, you scanned the cockpit before realizing the noise came from outside the ship.

Clank.

It was behind you. Someone was messing with the refuel port. Or the solar lines. You couldn’t tell. Grumbling, you scrambled out of the chair and hoisted yourself up the escape. If they were fucking up this stupid ship even further--

Clankclankclank.

“Hey!” You popped your head free. “Will you...”

For a split second, you’d thought Kylo had decided to rip the solar line access open and tear into his own power supply. But then your vision focused. The man crouched over the ship was a different intimidating masked man dressed only in black. Your stomach twisted. It was the one from the Buzzard. The one who’d shoulder-checked you.

“Kuruk.”

His head whipped in your direction, the talons of his predator’s gaze gouging your chest. He pulled his hands free of the solar lines, his gloves greasy with reactant.

“Lieutenant.” 

Previously you’d thought absolutely no one but Hux could spit that word with that degree of acidity. But if Hux spat it like acid, then Kuruk hocked it--dragged it up through his throat and sputtered it like necrotic phlegm. 

You crawled onto the dorsal plane with the coordinated majesty of a blurrg, trying not to heave  and ruin any level of authority you might have tricked him into thinking you maintained. When you’d made it to both feet, you straightened, as if you did this all the time, and moved toward him.

“What are you doing?” 

“Repairing a starfighter.”

You snorted. “Really,” you replied. “Tearing out a power supply is repairing?”

Kuruk jerked his arm, wrenching free another line, spewing collector dust into the air. “Closer to repairing than sleeping in the cockpit.”

Heat rushed your spine, swathed your neck. “Yeah, well…” You examined him, watching as he cocked his head to avoid the blinders attached to his helmet. “At least I can see properly when I work on a ship.” 

“Magnification’s built into the visor.”

More heat, this time crackling in your cheeks, drying your tongue. “Look,” you said, “this is my job. I don’t need amateurs screwing it up for me.”

He paused, turned his gaze on you again. “Amateurs?”

You shrugged. “In comparison, yeah, probably.”

Kuruk leaned on his heels, wiping his gloves on his jacket. “I don’t think so.”

“Uh, I do.” This man looked like a weapon. Not an engineer. “What experience do you have?”

“It’s called the Night Buzzard,” he replied. “You might be familiar with it.”

You paused, brow raising. “You…” It was impossible to restrain your laughter. But he didn’t move. “You’re kidding. Right? That’s a joke.”

Kuruk’s hands tensed.

“Dude, that ship’s the ugliest fucking thing I’ve ever seen,” you replied. “Did you modify it with a boiled chokeroot?”

His head tilted. He rose to stand, so controlled he looked to be fighting gravity. “I can do more work with a boiled chokeroot than you can do with an entire Star Destroyer’s worth of resources,” he drawled. “Lieu. Tenant.” 

The hair on your nape stuck straight, your pulse leapt to the ceiling. But the knowledge that Kylo was within thinking distance abated your fear. 

“Might wanna get one then.” You grinned. “You’re not making much progress here without it.”

He stared, filthy fingers furling into fists--and then relaxed, the tension sloughing like reactor slime from his frame. Silent, he returned to a squat, rending more lines from their channels. For some reason, a tiny, irreverent part of you was disappointed. 

No, that was a lie. You knew why you were disappointed. But this man wasn’t the one you wanted to be taunting into a wild sexual rage. Exhaling, you crossed your arms. 

“It’s still my job,” you said.

“And I’ve been told that once it’s done, you’ll be gone.”

“What?” You gawked. “What the fuck? You, too? I didn’t even do anything to you!”

“Debatable.”

You rolled your eyes. “You’re mad because your Master didn’t want you to disrespect an officer.”

“No.” Kuruk’s attention snapped to you. “You’re loud.”

Blood drained from your face. “I’m…”

Moments blinked in your memory like a holodrama. Like how you’d spent the entire time aboard the Buzzard thinking about Kylo slamming you against the dashboard and breaking your pussy open. How you’d mentally undressed him, verbally taunted him, physically ached for him. How you’d blazed with hatred for him and stoked it with longing. And how you’d just noted that you were desperate to wind him into a state of frenzied lust so he’d wreck you entirely.

“Oh, fuck.” You glanced at the hangar’s entrance and wondered how quickly you could hurl yourself into the vacuum of space. Speaking of hurling… “Oh, fuck.”

You couldn’t spare Kuruk another glance. With shaking hands, you fumbled your way to the ground, steadying yourself on your weakening knees. There was no way you were going to spend another minute on this ship trying to fix a starfighter while getting thought-eavesdropped by multiple men, one of whom seemed hell-bent on doing your job for you anyway. 

All you needed to do was find General Hux and get him to reassign you to another station. You’d figure the rest out later when you had time to process your myriad of losses and crippling rejection. You held your breath the entire trek to the command center, only releasing when the doors opened and you spied Hux at the head of the room, briefing someone on something you didn’t care about. 

Wiping your forehead, you trudged over to him. Hux’s gaze darted between you and the other officer, his brow furrowing as you approached.

“A moment,” he said to the man. “Can I help you, Lieutenant?”

Yeah, it definitely sounded worse out of Kuruk’s mouth. “Can I get a new station? I, uh, I need a new station.” The officer peered at you in horror. You coughed, standing at attention. “General. Requesting a new assignment, sir.”

Hux’s lips pursed, his eyes narrowed. “The silencer is already repaired?”

“Uh, no. No, sir, it’s not.” You stared at your shoes. “Still requesting a new assignment. I believe my work here is complete.”

A pause hung in the air. Hux observed you like you were a recently apprehended criminal. He sighed. 

“Dismissed, Captain.” He waited for the man to depart before turning to you. “What do you mean, your work here is complete?”

It was hard to find the appropriate words. “I mean. Uh. Permission to speak freely, sir?”

“No.”

You groaned. “Okay.” A long breath, flooding your lungs with air. “Well. My services are no longer required. My presence is redundant. I cannot return to Orinda. I’m requesting another station.” You exhaled. “Sir.”

Hux’s pink face pinched together. “Something happened with Ren.”

Warmth flushed your neck. “Uh, no--”

“Lieutenant,” he said, like the words were thorns on his tongue, “I unfortunately believe your insight and skill may still be of use to the First Order.” 

“Sir?”

“The TIE project has been approved. You may be just the person to manage it.” 

You balked. “Oh, I don’t know if that’s a good idea--”

“No?” Sharp green eyes pierced you into silence. “I thought you might leap at the opportunity, considering how cruelly the Resistance slaughtered your staff.”

Your heart clenched, your chest speared with pain. Better TIE units wouldn’t save them. But you could at least ensure their loss wouldn’t be in vain. Though you’d never supervised an undertaking of that scale before, the excitement of a challenge glittered in the distance. Glittered, then dimmed under a brooding, Kylo Ren-shaped shadow.

“Well…”

Hux glanced away, gazing through the thick panes of transparisteel, as if offering you any more praise would blind him. “Go to the Supreme Leader. Inform him of my plans.” He offered a slight shrug. “If he disagrees, then so be it. We’ll find you a new station.” The thought was left unfinished--he seemed very confident Kylo would not disagree.

Too bad you disagreed with him. “Yes, sir,” you replied. “I understand. Where might I find the Supreme Leader?”

Hux frowned. “Am I his keeper, Lieutenant?” 

A brief, blissful image of your fist connecting with his chin flashed through your mind. You shook it away.

“No,” you said. “No, sir. I’ll find him. Thank you.”

He nodded. “Dismissed.”

Shooting him a glare, you pivoted on your heel, marching out of the command center. All you needed to do was find where Kylo Ren might be by searching the entirety of this huge Star Destroyer. That would be easy.

[bvnditbulie]

Hey. How are you?

How do you feel about Seungeun being on that girls planet show? I think it’s called.

I was looking forward to a comeback announcement and then this happened so we def won’t be getting a comeback anytime soon I think.

Which is so sad cause I feel like if they keep going instead of having long breaks in between comebacks they could really really gain more fans and such, cause they are so good.

i’m alright, nonnie. hope you’re doing well!

this turned out rly long so i’ve split it up into sections to try to make it an easier read. if you’re only gonna read one section, make it the bulies to-do list! and if anyone reads it all ily 💖

initial thoughts and mnh’s statement

i wasn’t at all happy when i found out, of course. i’m the same as you: i kept thinking a comeback was coming. like when they got a reality show, and then again more recently when yiyeon, simyeong, and jungwoo all changed their hair… and then they give us this instead. i wonder why all the hair changes at once though if they’re not having a comeback… maybe they’re planning to promote as four for a while? though you’d think that would come after the survival ended, and they’d either start promoting without her if seungeun made it into the debut group, or finally come back as ot5 if she didn’t… i don’t know, who knows what mnh is planning.

here’s their statement for anyone who didn’t see it, but it’s pretty fucking vague:

(aw, they apologized. i feel so much better now /s.)

i also totally agree with you there: the girls are sooo funny and talented, they have such good songs and choreo and chemi, and if only more people knew about them, i’m sure they would stan. :/ mnh could’ve at the very least let them release some digital singles in all this time… chungha’s releasing new music all the time; it’s really not fair. i also think they could take advantage of chungha’s clout and the girls' friendship a bit more: release a collab between them ffs! but alas, if mnh isn’t gonna promote the girls well, i guess us bulies will just have to do it ourselves 🙄

hopes and concerns

apparently it’ll be a temporary group, but 2.5 years is still a really long time. so my hope is for seungeun to make it as far into the competition as she can without making it into the debut group, or at least for her to be a fan favorite and give bvndit the exposure they need. bc if she gets eliminated right away, what was the point of all this, no one will have heard of them still and who knows what mnh will do with them. but ofc i don’t want to see her separated from bvndit and promoting with some other group for longer than bvndit themselves have been around. so, yeah. that’s the ideal very specific scenario i’m hoping for, lol.

i’m already worried she’s not gonna get the screen time she deserves and be eliminated early on though, bc after the o.o.o performance came out, firstly: she was only given one closeup (while some girls got several), and didn’t get to be one of the ending fairies, of which there were like 12. and secondly: all the comments under the video were either about yujin or bahiyyih. so ofc buls will be supporting her, but there’s not very many of us, and i even saw at least one person say they wouldn’t vote for her bc they want bvndit to have an ot5 comeback. but if girls planet doesn’t give the girls more exposure, what do you think will happen when seungeun gets eliminated? i don’t know, and i don’t rly want to find out… so since she’s not a popular pick going into the show, we can only hope that mnet gives her an adequate amount of screen time. bc i know everyone will fall for her if given the chance.

bulies to-do list!

so anyway, as always i am nowhere near concise, and i applaud and apologize to anyone who actually read all of this alsdkf. i’m more determined than ever to promote bvndit well through my gifs, so in addition to giffing all of seungeun’s girls planet 999 stuff, i’m also trying to showcase bvndit’s humor, visuals, connection to chungha, etc. anything that might get people interested in, or at least remembering them.

i definitely think we should vote for seungeun on girls planet, at least at first. because otherwise, i don’t know if she’ll get far enough to make any kind of impact on bvndit’s career.

while we’re at the mercy of mnet and mnh, all we can really do is vote for seungeun, make comments under the girls planet videos she’s in supporting her and giving ppl the timestamp(s) of her screen time, just promoting her anywhere and everywhere we can. also be sure to send me your favorite bvndit moments and i’ll gif them to try to make more people fall for our girls. 🤧

(here are some examples of the comments i've left so far. as you can see, they don't have many likes, but tbf i wasn't exactly early to the vids. we should definitely try to comment right after upload if we can! and honestly don't be afraid to spam bc we're up against a wave of people making comment after comment for the other contestants... if you want to add your own comments for seungeun, go here and here.)

mnh keeps squandering their potential and our girls deserve so much better, so let’s do all we can for them! you guys can always come to me if you have any more questions, concerns, or if you just want to commiserate lol. fighting bulies~! 💞

[cotillion-the-rope]

Not Hollow Chapter One: The Hollow Knight

A while ago now I had the idea for a fic along these lines that centered around Ghost and a silently older Grimmchild but unfortunately it failed, I just couldn't make it work. But then I had the idea to repurpose the general idea and have it centered around Hornet instead and so far it's working well. I should maybe finish this fic before I start to upload it to make sure but I'm getting impatient in part because I really like most of what I have so far *and* starting to put it up now should help give me the drive to finish it. So here we are. :)

Ghost stepped away from the now empty plinth that had once had Herrah laying atop it. She’d been the final Dreamer; the Black Egg should be open now. They could go do what they’d been called to do now which was… they still weren’t sure but it was important, vitally so.

There was more in Hallownest to explore and see, more lost memories to recover. But could they really afford to put off their quest any longer? They’d already spent so much time dilly-dallying around doing other things. And the longer they put it off the more they’d fear going because… once they went in, they would never come out, or so their instincts told them. Perhaps it was just a dumb fear but probably not. So, they should just go and get it over with already. … And yet their feet remained seemingly rooted to the ground.

Grimmchild let out a chirp behind, lightly headbutting the back of their head. They turned to look up at him. Before going into the Black Egg they’d have to figure out what to do with him, they couldn’t bring him in with them, it wouldn’t be fair. So… there was at least one more thing to do before facing their destiny. With that, they were able to take a step again.

 -

They searched far and wide but alas Hornet was nowhere to be found. Neither was Quirrel, he’d left his nail by the Blue Lake, which didn’t bode well but didn’t have to mean anything, did it? Maybe the Elderbug or Cornifer and Iselda would be willing to take on Grimmchild? … Probably not though, right? Elderbug lived too stationary a lifestyle and the mapmakers didn’t seem the type to be interested in kids, else they’d have their own, right? Which left no one who could care for Grimmchild.

He’d probably be okay on his own though, right? He could certainly defend himself and hunt for food. Ghost had already wasted enough time, they needed to stop making excuses and just do it before the Infection got any worse than it already was. … And before their fear grew too much and they began feeling tempted to flee from their responsibility.

Upon returning to the Black Egg Temple, Ghost took off Grimmchild’s charm and placed it on the ground just outside. They’d left him in places a few times before, never for long though. So, pretending this was just another one of those times, they gave him a quick pat on the head as he settled to rest on the floor before stepping into the Temple. A proper ‘goodbye’ would’ve been nice but… it was probably easier on both them this way anyway.

Inside, they strode right up to the Egg and let themself in through the now unsealed door. It was dark and cold inside, almost comforting as they made their way deeper and deeper in. Eventually they reached another room.

Chains suspended from the ceiling and anchored to the ground, wrapping around a figure suspended in the middle. A… familiar figure! Ghost had known them in their past life before the chains and cracked mask, before the orange of Infection filled their eyes. Ghost was here to save them, that’s what they’d been called to do.

They drew their nail and swung at the nearest chain anchor. With a few more strong hits, it broke with a loud clang that seemed to fill the empty air before dying out all at once. Ghost moved on to the next one, the figure in the middle… their sibling, tracking their movement with their head. How aware were they? Did they know Ghost was here to save them? … Were they suffering?

No answers were forthcoming as Ghost broke their chains. With the final one cut, they fell to the floor with a loud clatter. They lay there for a few seconds as if stunned or in too much pain to move. But then… they reached up and grabbed their nail, using it to help them stand.

The battle cry they released was… not right. It wasn’t their voice; they didn’t even have one. They swung at Ghost, their form good but subtly off… they’d been chained up for a long time and their arm was missing. This wouldn’t be a difficult fight.

It quickly proved to be an easy fight actually. Until… they started stabbing themself anyway. How could Ghost fight them when they were doing that? It was… too much to bear and yet they couldn’t look away.

Finally, at last they stopped and the battle resumed, more frantic than before. The root of the Infection used their body as if it were nothing but a lifeless doll for it to play with. It was time to stop this.

Ghost was careful not to kill their sibling which drew the fight and their suffering out longer but… it was better than them dying. Everything Ghost had done would be for naught if they died. It was hard but it eventually paid off.

Defeated but not dead, their siblings fell forward, their nail falling from their hand with a clatter. Void leaked out of them from numerous wounds, the most prominent of which was the one they’d inflicted upon themself. Thick orange mist leaked from the Infection boils that had taken their arm.

Instinctively, Ghost Focused, as if they were trying to repair and heal themself with soul. Instead of drawing in soul, they drew in the orange mist. It burned like fire but they persisted even when they were blinded by its burning light.

It would be fine. They’d saved their sibling. That had been their goal all along, they just hadn’t known it. So, it was worth it.

***

Hollow woke to pain and an empty head. … Empty of the Radiance anyway. Their thoughts and emotions were still there, the reason for their failing.

They were lying on the floor of the Black Egg. … How had they gotten there? Why was the Radiance gone? This wasn’t right.

Every movement hurt but they looked up anyway and… flinched. Their sibling was suspended in chains above them. … Hollow’s memories were hazy but they’d battled Hollow and took on the Radiance for themself. They weren’t hollow though, none of the vessels were or ever could be. And if they were, they wouldn’t have gone so far out of their way to not kill Hollow. Meaning they were suffering and would fail just like Hollow had. And… it was Hollow’s fault; if they hadn’t failed, this wouldn’t have been necessary.

Looking away in shame, Hollow reached for their nail laying a short distance in front of them. They used to help themself stand but only got halfway up before collapsing again. The void in the Black Egg had partially healed their wounds but not fully yet and thus they still hurt and leaked void.

Given enough time, they’d probably heal fully – except for the crack in their mask and missing arm, those seemed pretty permanent – but…  Hollow needed out of here. They couldn’t bear to look at the result of their failure when there was nothing they could do about it. And just the room in general was awful, they never wanted to see it again. They needed out!

So again, they used their nail to try to stand. But once more, an intense flash of pain in their abdomen where they dimly remembered stabbing themself in a vain attempt to stop the Radiance sent them back to the floor. Well in that case, they’d just crawl out. It was better than lying here beneath their chained sibling.

With only one arm and refusing to let go of their nail – it was the only thing they had – made it slow going and it hurt. They kept going though, not letting themself rest for too long lest they never move again. It took an age but they eventually dragged themself back into light, out of the Egg.

A distressed mewling and the sound of wings flapping drew their gaze upwards as a baby moth fluttered down to investigate. It settled on the ground in front of them, first to sniff at their nail and arm and then their face; a curious but harmless creature. Hollow let go of their nail and rolled onto their side a bit to lift their hand and lightly touch its head. It was warm and didn’t seem to mind, even pressing into their hand a little. How long had it been since Hollow had last touched another being? … It was impossible to even guess. So free of their prison but not their failure and too exhausted to go further for now, they lay there and let themself pet the baby moth.

***

Hornet watched as Ghost stepped away from the plinth where they stopped. Why though? They had stuff to do, didn’t they? Hornet wanted her moment to grieve without them there. And yet they didn’t take another step even as time went by.

She was preparing to jump out there and ask them what the heck they thought they were doing when Grimmchild bumped the back of their head. Finally, they moved, turning their head to look at him. After a second or two, they started walking again. Odd but… it didn’t mean anything.

As soon as they were gone, Hornet left her hiding spot. Herrah’s body was gone, dissipated into essence but Hornet settled by the plinth anyway, resting her back against it like she’d done so many times before.

She should say something, right? This was the only funeral her mother would get but… what could she say? She’d let it happen, watched it even, because what else could she do? Letting the vessel take the Hollow Knight’s place wasn’t ideal but what other way could the Infection be stopped? … If Ghost wasn’t hollow though it would only be putting it on hold again. …

They… no it, had to be though… right? Even if there were times that that didn’t seem to be the case like when it had stood still for so long after killing Herrah. It had to be hollow because otherwise Hornet was letting her sibling go off and… suffer basically for who even knew how long where they’d eventually crack too and the Infection would return again anyway. So… it was hollow and would contain the Radiance indefinitely.

[Sometime later]

The husks were empty and still once more and the Infection pustules that had taken over the Crossroads were dull and deflating, eventually they’d break apart into nothing. Ghost had done its duty, it was housing the Radiance now. Things were fixed… for now.

She really shouldn’t but… Hornet found herself headed to the Black Egg temple anyway. Just outside the door leading in was… a charm? She bent down to pick it up, giving it a better look. It had a likeness of Grimmchild’s face on it so presumably it had something to do with him. He didn’t seem to be here though so… Still holding it for now, she stepped into the Temple itself and froze.

The Hollow Knight lay on the ground just outside the Egg. It… they were leaking void from multiple wounds one of which was a crack on their mask. They appeared to only have one arm which they were using to pet Grimmchild. Both of them looked up at her gasp.

Grimmchild pushed himself off the ground and into the air. He mewled and chirped, flying in a little circle, clearly distressed about something. Ghost’s disappearance no doubt. Hollow just stared at her, silent and unmoving. Seeing them reduced to such a state after how strong they’d been last Hornet had seen them so, so long ago was… jarring.

She stared at them for a second or two before forcing herself back into action. She pinned the charm to her dress before approaching to crouch down beside Hollow, their head moving to follow her movements.

Hating that she had to do it but having no other choice, she carefully rolled them over to get a better look at their wounds. Their whole body went rigid, a clear sign of intense pain that they could never voice but they didn’t fight her and relaxed once they were lying flat again. … Thankfully though bad, their wounds weren’t immediately life-threatening so there was no need to worry too much yet. Their wounds did need attention as soon as possible though.

“There’s a hot spring not too far from here, can you stand?” she asked, hoping they could otherwise she’d have to…

They shook their head.

Welp that meant she’d have to help them get there but first… “Grimmchild, hush, it’s okay.” She tried to keep her voice calm and level because neither he nor Hollow needed her anger right now. But she needed Grimmchild to stop mewling and chirping and flying around in circles like it was the end of the world. “Your companion is fine.” A lie, a horrible, horrible lie. She should explain to him that it was hollow and thus just fulfilling the reason it was created and therefore there was no reason to worry or be upset because it didn’t even have feelings but she didn’t have time to right now. “So just… come with me and Hollow for now, okay? I even have your charm.” She wasn’t a babysitter but she couldn’t just leave him all alone just like she couldn’t leave Hollow all alone even if they weren’t injured.

Grimmchild chirped a bit more, sounding a bit unsure but she might’ve just been reading into the sound a bit too much – how intelligent was he right now really? But he did calm down, settling down to hover behind her shoulder like he’d done with Ghost.

With that handled, she turned back to Hollow. “This is going to be unpleasant but we have to do it, okay? And you have to help as much as you can, I can’t carry you, you’re too tall.” She should’ve been big and tall too but no she just had to take after the Pale King in that realm; one reason among many to hate his guts.

They nodded, a small motion but firm; they were as ready as they’d ever be.

With her guidance, they used their nail to help raise themself partially off the ground. Enough that when their legs inevitably buckled, they fell with their arm around her shoulders. Thankfully they weren’t too heavy, making it fairly easy for her to support their weight. What the raw void leaking from them might do to her or her dress she wasn’t sure and now wasn’t the time to worry about it.

With Hollow being half dragged, half walking on their knees the going was slow. And the fact they refused to let go of their nail made it a bit harder but she wasn’t going to begrudge them that, she’d probably have done the same with her needle. But after what had to be a rather torturous hour or so for Hollow, they did make it.

Hornet had never been more grateful to see a hot spring. She helped lower Hollow in before sliding in next to them. She’d deal with her dress getting wet later, hot spring water dried quickly anyway so it’d be fine. Grimmchild hopped in too, making a splash she might’ve been annoyed by if it wasn’t for how exhausted she was mentally and physically.

 -

A nudge woke her from a doze; she hadn’t even realized she’d fallen asleep. Shaking the last of it off – or at least as much as she could anyway, she could still easily fall asleep in this warmth – she looked up at Hollow. They were looking back at her, their gaze empty but somehow intense too. … Or maybe that was just her imagination and guilt making it seem that way.

“Do you need something?” She hadn’t intended to snap at them but it was too late to take it back now.

They looked away. Offended or indifferent? There was no way for her to know or even begin to guess.

She did a quick glance around for Grimmchild because he was no longer in the pool. He was on the edge of it, his wings wrapped around himself as he slept. Looks like she wasn’t the only one in need of a nap. “How do you feel?” she asked, turning to look at Hollow again. “Or uh… are your wounds doing better?” Because it was easier for them to answer yes or no questions.

They nodded. The crack on their mask was still there which was a bit worrying but it was no longer leaking void. Their arm was still gone too, though the spring being able to heal that had been a long shot anyway.

“Good, stand up so I can see.” She stood up too, getting out of the pool before she started drifting off again.

Hollow obeyed, standing up with ease, a good sign for sure. And their wounds were healed, wonderful. But at full height, they hunched forward… not in a way that seemed to indicate pain or discomfort though. They just weren’t holding themself proud and tall anymore. So even though they were physically healed, mentally they weren’t and alas there was no magic cure for the psychological damaged they’d suffered.

“Looking good,” she said in her best encouraging voice. It wasn’t one she used often though and sounded rather insincere. With a sigh, she bent down to scoop Grimmchild up into her arms. He made a soft chirp ad shifted a bit but otherwise didn’t stir. “Now let’s find a place to sleep.” Did the vessels sleep? Surely they did, right? Ghost had a way to entering the Dream Realm after all. Did that count as sleeping though?

Hollow didn’t respond but followed her when she left, dragging their nail behind them.

Normally, Hornet would’ve just found a small hole to hide herself in while she slept. But while she could easily hide Grimmchild the same way, Hollow would be far too difficult. Not that they needed to hide anymore but it was the principle of the matter and it was better safe than sorry. Besides after how long Hollow had spent in chains, they deserved a comfortable place to rest regardless of whether or not they were capable of sleeping. So she started towards Dirtmouth. There were plenty of perfectly good empty houses up there and Elderbug should have no reason to care if the three of them stayed in one for a bit.

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Tel Aviv 2019: Straight outta Lithuania to Eurovision with a rampaging mess that gave a lukewarm conclusion

Oh dear.

When it comes to my country to choose, they’re often chosen to be overlooked by the Eurofan community, especially because of our insanely long procedure of choosing, that would often cause everyone to hear the songs live more times than they’re supposed to. And it seemed to be a similar case this year because while not as long as usual, we still had 7 shows + an additional week break (that allowed me to watch some more Destination Eurovision! Woo!), and a big pile to songs to swim through, usually submitted by all ranges of songwriters who’re willing just to get their names known to the world creditswise (looking at you Ashley Hicklin and co.) and often are paired with our talent show rejects that fade away as soon as they come in if their song and their chances crash out before the final (see Germantė Kinderytė - she didn’t make it to the lives of The Voice Lithuania, had a killer song though that didn’t make it to the semis thanks for the jury annihilating her pointswise TWICE and only ended up lucky the televoters’ 10 was enough to get her through. Another example: Benas Malakauskas, who got lucky to be on the selection for two years in a row, but did not go beyond the AUDITIONS in said talent show! Yet progressed to the second round at farthest both of his years). And even then, you’re never sure if these songs ARE even on the lineup. Last year we had angry Erica Jennings pulling her song out of the comp just because of having to hear the juries critique others so abrasively (at least abrasively I guess?) one show in, but then it suddenly re-emerged back, but instead sung by Monika Marija - fresh off her The Voice Lithuania victory. This year we had some names pulling off for no reason, some names pulling for A reason (like Sasha Song who couldn’t turn up for the live recording of Heat 4 because of his song not sounding the best way possible, and was fined for it lol), and some names being added last minute or even changed unexpectedly (Tomas Sinickis, you heard of him? Now he underwent by Tommy Modric... yes the footballer Modric). Which is as crazy as MIIIIHAAAAIIIII deciding not to compete in the Romanian NF because “it’s all rigged and me a tryhard won’t feel too safe enough to finally win on this one” oh boo-hoo, think of the kids who never liked your sorry ass anyway. And think of the kids in general before showcasing your half-naked or mostly-naked body in front of them.

Excuse me for my long ass paragraph number 1, BUT we were actually so dang dramatic this year that I cannot contain myself without letting y'all know why this NF deserved a much better winner to come out of it rather than THAT that actually came to be. I'm a native so I know every single detail. So if ya wanna know why exactly I'm underwhelmed, read 'em up. If you wanna know that I'm just underwhelmed, just skip ahead to the review, idc. Did you make your choice? Well then. Let's delve into the details:

• The first clear competitor, Monika Marija, releases a song that people really want to see in the selection but she assures everyone it’s not THE song. Then she shows her other one, and people honestly want the first one back, but grow to adapt to it.

• Lineup reveal happens with her in it, wbk. Along with some other interesting names like Jurgis Didžiulis (off InCulto), Jurgis Brūzga and etc.

• First show is filmed and broadcasted as normal. But, after the broadcast, a pissed-off parent is mad at his son’s result on Facebook (and the result seemed fair enough to me actually despite liking the song because it’s such a second-hand NF tier entry that isn’t meant to last that I’d even see fizzle out in... A Dal for example).

• Also a minor lulz related to one contestant’s song lyrics sounding like Russian swearwords (you know the ones the kids are yelling on CS:GO) but that was fixed

• Lineup changes that include Sasha Song, the second-most-recent X Factor Lithuania season winners at the time 120 (yep that’s the band’s name) and some other guy who came and went last minute without a word from him back as to why lol. (As well as one of the lost starlets of 2018, Emilija Valiukevičiūtė, was initially announced in the first lineup reveal but fizzled out by Heat 4 as well.)

• And it turns out Monika Marija chose both of her latest releases (including the first one she said she won’t enter) to participate because her fans want it so and she felt like it, although fans were more attached to the 1st one she entered.

• Jurgis Didžiulis brings Erica Jennings with him - yep, the same lady who withdrew because of the jury has grew some thick skin over a year and joined the lineup too. Among other things.

• Second show had a major televoting issue that affected the scores massively (basically only a few hundred votes were missing lol), and had the issue affected any of the nonqualifiers enough for them to qualify, they’d be added to the semis as a wildcard. So naturally, someone of the NQs complained about it BUT it turned out it did not affect anyone anyway. Another act got pissed for being mistreated by juries too by the way.

• Sasha Song withdraws last minute for reasons above, and his fine is 2000 euros. Well, now you have to know that if you, fellow Lithuanian, want into Eurovizijos, you need to be a bit rich to accept circumstances like these, otherwise you’re totally fucked.

• Heat 3 happens as normal BUT Heat 4 brings in some fire as it turns out that one of the contestants’ stepfather was offering his company’s services (like, those outside children play parks’ assets) for televotes to her dear stepdaughter’s song, with her EVEN NOT SEEING ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT. LRT, as clever as they are, decide to null her televotes in protest. Shame tho as the song was good, and way better Laurell Barker submission than the ones she got on ESC this year.

• One contestant, Alen Chicco (also from X Factor Lithuania, may or may not even be from the same season that was won by 120), causes a bit of controversy by having a black man on his performance

• During the semi stage, Monika Marija asks her fans not to vote for the 1st song she submitted to the selection, but rather support her 2nd song that won the semi comfortably, way after the folks were attached to her 1st song already and claiming it’s better for Eurovision (no it’s not), but it backfires spectacularly when the jury has enough guts to make her qualify with it, even if the televote for it was rather low.

• But before semi 2 happened and Monika Marija sang her weaker song, a contestant with the name of Migloko resorts to middle-finger the audience during her performance for no reason in semi 1.

• Monika Marija succesfully goes on to withdraw one of her songs (the one from semi 2) just to not split her fanbase even further when it comes to the final, therefore not lose. Also has to pay a fine of 2000 perhaps.

• Jurijus Veklenko, which was one of the front-runners along Monika Marija, was accused of having his song published on Soundcloud a year too early, but as a demo version, therefore not commercially viable enough for ESC rules. Later he was let off easy by LRT, but decided that EBU should investigate and report if they think it’s not fine, but if he was allowed to compete with that, he was possibly not in danger afterall.

• And since Monika Marija has got only 1 song, her final spot she got with that other song was given up for the aforementioned Alen Chicco.

• Finally, Monika Marija was still THE front runner of all this, having a sizeable amount of a fanbase enough to support her, even more so than the eventual winner... yes, she did happen not to win in the end. U mad?

And even if Monika Marija would have honestly been an anticlimactic winner, this next guy is even more so, because although shocking, his song is pretty much by-the-numbers Eurovision NF pop you’re gonna get, although not as cheap as the one written by constant NF failures that submit their stuff for countries like Moldova, Belarus, Romania and Malta (that until Malta ditched their NF). And the one that ended up winning is the said person whose song was uploaded a year too early as a demo - Jurijus Veklenko, but for now, he’s pretty much needed to be addressed as Jurijus. No wait, he’s back to being Jurijus Veklenko, but he dropped the “us” from his name, that’s odd. (By the way, he’s the only ounce of Ukraine you’ll ever have this year - his father is of that nationality, hence why the ever-so-Slavic Veklenko surname)

“Run with the Lions” is the song name, and for a title as anthemic as this, the song... not so much. Like I said, it’s pop, and it’s good that it’s pop, but it’s just pop. I doubt that Jurijus’s songwriter team did anything to distinguish the demo from its final product, hence why it was so easily autodetected somehow. Like, the structure is there, the lyrics are there (but what even ARE they? “if you wanna see, just open your eyes”?? “if you want a voice, just open your mouth”????), but where’s the depth, man? I really felt like I needed more of this song, especially in the choruses. Like, some additional background instruments like strings wouldn’t have hurt? In fact, this song has a slight revamp (I’m saying “slight” because no marginal changes had been done) that adds up some acoustics in the background of the 2nd verse and only changes one line (”there’s no need to be afraid” now is “you don’t have to be afraid”. Wow, revolutionary. What about “You don’t got to hide away”?? Why repeating “You don’t” twice in the prechorus???!!!... ooh I’ll be here all day if I only talked about nitpicks)... and it yet still feels too little. Thankfully the choruses have someone shouting something like “huh huh hoo” synthetically to liven it up somehow.

Yet somehow, out of nowhere, I admit liking this? Our boi is capable of singing live - both high and low; his voice and the song fit in delightfully with each other; and while basic, the melody is pleasant, non-offensive, non-ear-grating... perhaps the problem of it all is that it’s too inoffensive? Something that flows away in the wind and passes you by without you knowing. Something that you’re told that it’s not background filler and you were just not paying attention to the actual music that was playing. Something so algorithmic, you’re easily able to make your ears cancel it out as it were just some sort of white noise!

Yeah, I don't think I want to describe us all that much. It's a pretty okay pop song, it's nothing groundbreaking (bar the message of being free to do all you can do), I enjoy the sound of it, it doesn't annoy me, I can fully be down to supporting Jurijus and his voice. Too bad it's in a year AND a semi where MoR pop songs DON'T dominate - we're way past those ages. To stand out, it needs to be anthemic, it needs to have a stage presence, it truly needs some X factor, and our staging nor our song offers it. And guess what, various other people are still mourning over the loss of Monika Marija, which I find perfectly reasonable, but who would have to lend us their final spot instead if she won? Armenia? Romania? Denmark? So many questions, so little time left to answer them all.

Right now I will just conclude with me saying that I like this. It's inoffensiveness is pleasant, and in any other year we'd be the perfect filler songs for the final, like we were in the past. Cool cool.

Approval factor: Anything that will make me forget how much of my nerves did I waste over stanning someone in our selection while knowing that Ieva will win is a good noodle in my book. Jurijus wasn’t exactly one of my favourites (you’ll see why when you hit the unfortunately long NF corner section), but that’s perfectly fine, seeing that I can finally be a proud supporter of my own country’s song.

Follow-up factor: we're a completely and utterly random nation, sending anything our juries found amusing the most at the time. So don't bother about follow up consistency every being good or bad. We're just going with our own flow and... that's basically it. Though we could, on an occasion, do better with picking songs, that's for sure. And maybe finally we will not have a song that's littered with "oh oh oh, yeah yeah yeah" kind of sounds... like seriously, "Run with the Lions" has a bridge that mostly consists of "ooooooohhhhhhh" and then one actually non-interjective line at the end. (At least in Tel Aviv you'll be hearing the backings murmuring "run with the, run with the, run with the lions" during it, and that's something.) I love it that we never change in our random tactics, I'd just love it more to see some actual change in the song quality, y'know? THEN will it be a good follow-up.

Qualification factor: I’m so devastated at saying this, but foreigners say that we’re probably going down to deat meat levels this year. But I still have hope in us qualifying. Believe it or not, the people out there still don’t buy into the Lithuanian diaspora power, and genuinely believe that our harmless tune is chanceless. I only understand that it cannot work its magic when we send something risqué and incredibly opinion dividing (but most people dislike it anyway), but just look at our results on the years when we were generally received bad when we were just boring. “C’est ma vie” qualified. “Something” qualified. Back when Donny Montell was such an unknown in the Eurovision lore because 2012 was his first year and his song was considered “dated”, he still qualified. See something here? We still can, and WILL, be able to pull through possibly, and I don’t doubt it that diaspora will lap up our mediocre song because Lithuania. Patriotism strong! (Oh and a handful of votes for Jurijus for being so hot.)

NATIONAL FINAL BONUS

I already discussed the Eurovizijos drama in lenghty detail, so expect me not to re-iterate everything down here shortly, but what you need to know off it is that it had every single drama aspect you’d ever want - faulty line-ups, voting frauds, televoting malfunctions, forced plagiarism accusations, too-early-published-song accusations, late entry withdrawals, qualifier replacements, technical difficulties allowing to repeat a performance and some contestants being visibly pissed off by the jury (and to some extent, the overall) results. A total jumble <3 Never change, Lithuania. (except for the godawfully smug-ass HoD, I started to get tired of him AND his bald head doing this to us. It's been 10 years, retire already.)

So it’s better to talk about all the non-dramatic things I liked about our NF this year! From songs to performances, from shits and giggles to something serious - I’m taking you for a hefty ride.

• First and foremost, I actually didn’t mind one of the Monika Marija’s songs? Yeah, “Light On” was a good and polished pop track that has THAT power to get you good, with them strong sublime female vocals. Even if it kind of sounded like an Ikea store version of "Stay with Me" by Sam Smith. Not that there's anything bad with it, but any kind of plagiarism cases have and will always be barred from Eurovision if noticed by the organizers. This is not 100% dead-on ripoff, but there are shades of knock-offery here and there. And it's even a better "Stay with Me", and with a better message - Monika Marija reminisces of that one time she was almost dying herself, but she's here, she's survived, and you musn't hang her off the lifeline. At least it's "Light On" that got all the love in the NF in the end and not the painfully mediocre "Undo" ripoff wailfest "Criminal". It was so slow and plodding and I never got why so many people loved it. If "Undo" was a product, "Criminal" would have been its "made in China" counterpart. Anyway, here's "Light On". And please don't spam me messages with how much this would have been a contender for top 10 over Jurijus. :P In Eurovision it's an added bonus if your faves do well - the fact that they were in Eurovision is the most important thing, and I perfectly understand why do you miss it here on ESC grounds. Just... I'm tired of "MM top 10, Jurijus bottom 3 in semi", okay? Monika Marija can try our NF again. She’s very talented, and there’s a possibility that we’ll see her in ESC in the end anyway. Pave the way for our Polyglot Queen, Eurovision 20xx! ^^

• Now here's for once a cool Lithuanian artist that didn't come from a TV talent show! Antikvariniai Kašpirovskio Dantys ("antiquarian teeth of Kashpirovsky") is probably one of the coolest Lithuanian bands that I know - doing absolutely any kind of genre they're pleased with - from folk to rock to ska to acoustic pieces - I admire them for being so diversive! Too bad they entered with one of my lesser favourite tracks in their entire discography - "Mažulė" (one of the many ways to say "baby", as in, trying to call your lover cute, female gender case. Can also mean "baby girl" in this context). I have nothing against this kind of track they thrown in the selection, ska music and Eastern musical elements are gooooooood, plus I finally got to know what is a "forró" that doesn't mean "hot" in Hungarian - it's a music style popular in Brazil! However, the chorus could have at least sounded more "party"-ier. It doesn't really excite me to dance the window-cleaning dance to it. (Oh yeah and do you remember that this song is about a car, not an actual lover? They're basically confessing their love to an automobile. How they're protecting it from vandals, how did they dream of getting the car since young age, how wouldn't they change their car for any other. Romantic, I'd say.) However I am happy for the over 30 year olds that find this song completely and totally amusing when I can't quite seem to. I do say that I like those elements, the brass and all that. It was the only Lithuanian song in the sea of English ones in the final (just like A Dal was, but inverse - almost all songs in Hungarian but one English (and a bit Russian), and that's an achievement. AKD should be proud of themselves for impacting both our nation AND the international viewers which found fun in this! Respect. Maybe they'll win our NF soon if they keep on winning the audiences, or they'll probably GTFO forever. IDK, the latter is more plausible, sadly. They're so unique that they cannot be just a thing for more editions - just one for a try out, and that's enough.

• So, Alen Chicco. What’s so special to have him in the final instead of Monika Marija's weaker entry? Well, he's just a fantabulous persona, unique in every step he takes. And surely I was excited to see him preparing something for Eurovizijos after I read his name on the participants list. And then his entry did come. I wasn't quite sure what to think of "Your Cure" at first but the chorus is a pop beauty I hold up to myself somehow <3 now I find the song nice as a whole, the theatrical-like verses peak my curiousity though the prechoruses feel too drawn out a bit and could have had some big pauses be shortened or removed... yeah. But the most interesting thing is HIS LOOKS <33 his wardrobe and level of expressiveness is vast, I love it how eveything here was different each and every time he performed, and it all was always presented incredibly differently. I admire ONE (1) chameleon

which Alen Chicco are you today? ✨

• And that's almost basically it I have to show you concerning my faves? Yeah, I definitely had enough of our NF having this many songs too, I almost had no good favourites that made it to the semis and people would care about slightly if they'd be willing to. Nothing I could be excited over, nothing I could be passionate about as I was last year about my fave. Well I did like some qualifiers to semis but I don’t think they are THAT worth y’all’s attention all THAT much... However, I will definitely let you in on two of my personal non-finalist faves. Allow me to introduce the first band whose song is a guilty pleasure of mine only - it's Laimingu Būti Lengva ("it's easy being happy") with "Pasaulio vidury" ("in the middle of the world"). Now, it's not very competitive or anything, in fact the guys looked like hobos on their live performance and one of them was randomly shouting "heeeeyyyyy" a LOT of times, like a random heckler that's supposedly livening(??? is that a word???) up the performance, and they sang disappointingly... but the studio version, man. I dare you to not get hypnotized by the slow electric guitar feel. (You probably won't but idc.) I love it, I love the beats and how trappy but cool they sound on those verses, I love the slow soft rhythm, I definitely love the whole melodic execution, and the vocals actually sound alright on there (mainly thanks to autotune but yeah whatever). I have problems though - with a band like this, I barely see how can I get genuine enjoyment out of this song myself without having to slap myself in the back for admitting to actually like this. So I call it my "guilty pleasure" quite a lot of times. The song's structure is quite interesting, but it's mainly the repetitive verses and choruses smeared across the whole song at random. I get the song's point so much that I hate the band for hammering it into my head all this whole time - the song's protagonist met a red-haired and blue-eyed girl named Isabel in Portugal (the supposed "middle of the world"), they fell in love, that's it. But they emphasize it a lot that the girl was blue-eyed... not even I would if I had to write this song, and *I* have a blue-eyed people bias. The whole package was completely unappealing and with how they showed it it didn’t really look like something that even needs a staging or Eurovision at all, but I still keep this song to myself, and will definitely replay it a lot this summer. Just as much as the song that you'll actually get to watch the performance of down below - it's "Song of My Life" by Soliaris & ForeignSouls. It's cool, funky, catchy, vibey, laidback and summer-fun-infested. I cannot really describe separate parts all that much because all flows in so well. It's a good song to chill out and have a cocktail too. And it features a rap part that doesn't bother me at all! Good one, Soliaris. I didn't like your music back when you did mediocre 00s R'n'B, but you positively surprised me, both by returning to our NFs after like 9 years of absence AND bringing this gem. It didn't need an extreme staging - just some dudes having fun and that's it. And they brought it. It saddens me that these kind of songs don't stand a chance to qualify to the very final in our NF anymore, as they kind of would have in 2012 or so, but I'm still happy they exist. I only have had some issues with the lyrics laying out the words in sentences ("spend with me this beautiful night" bothered me a bit because if you translate it to Lithuanian in the exact same sentencing way, it'd make even more sense than it does to me now), but other than that, I fucking loved "Song of My Life". It might as well be my overall NF winner, haha.

• Oh and how could I forget Tiramisu??? That's perhaps my biggest discovery of this year. They moved on from utter unknowns to... still unknowns, but more known for the Eurovision fandom that does care about Lithuanian NFs. Here you have an oddly titled song, "The Smell of Your Eyes" (and you thought Safura smelling lipstick was extreme - but to her credit, lipstick DOES have a faint odor, doesn't it?), which is both insane AND original, and insane original is obviously encouraged. And the whole song sounds pretty damn good for a band that no one heard of and that used to do jazzy-ish and inoffensive musical flairs before. Here we have slight influences of folk even! And the violins, too. A generally charming piece that draws you into a pagan forest. Too bad the staging was completely misunderstood - they definitely had to put on some guy with a cheap Iron Man mask to pretend to give the band some intensity... lousy move. It could've looked way better if it were more mysterious and forest-like and had a more enchanting camerawork. And a little more colors than emerald and forest greens, too. The video clip looked way better and more high-budget than the staging came to be. Observe:

Felt like everything beautiful was stripped of it because the music video could not be repeated on stage. Ah well. The televoters gave them love but the jury did not let them to improve, and down the Bermuda triangle of fallen female violinists from the 2019 season went a lady of the name Rima Tamo, together with Gabriella Laberge and Tilla Török (who did not even appear on stage at that time of need!). Here's a spooky fact for all these 3: female violinists that all featured on songs in E minor, performed 1st in their respective heats/semis, were really loved by televote but hated by the juries, missed out on the next stage of the NF by 1 place. Coincidence? A curse? Tiramisu were obviously disgusted by the jury trashing their staging so they talked about hating them on Facebook. What's worse that they could have actually qualified if they've gotten at least 9 more telepoints that could've pushed them to get 10 televote points in general rather than 8, all thanks to a televote count error that removed large portions of votes. And that way they could have been wildcard qualifiers instead because they would have still gotten 8 televote points with the actual televote numbers, but the organizers of the NF said that if the televote failure would have hurt anyone's place in the final, they would have wildcard-qualified instead. No one did not, so screw it. At least "The Smell of Your Eyes" remains THAT song - lots of folk, lots of violins, lots of effort put into it, and the people actually loved it for that. Just that it's so sad that the jury didn't let them improve overtime... just like Hungarian jury didn't let Leander Kills go further... a shame, really.

• And now, onto the non-entry-events and stuff that happened, besides some actual good jury shade (like the one time at least one juror says that “you wouldn’t win even if all the contestants got sick”, technical errors in the production (thanks to one of them, one of the semifinal acts actually got to perform again... but the televote didn’t give her votes anyway lmao) and the constant reminder of one of our charities which gives tickets to Eurovision for the best disabled person story.. I don’t know where that is but our NF somehow acquired a skit from an Austrian man that’s been exploring stuff in Israel (I think) because of Eurovision this year... and man did I think that this skit was rather... hmmm... middle-ground funny? Slightly too annoying but still kind of alright to look at? It was fun, but certainly odd to find out about that it even exists.

• After feeling so disappointed with Hungarian juries's decisions on the night of February 22nd, I left my room to watch our NF's final on our living room TV, hoping for everything just to end already because I did not expect anything good happening on this final. I haven't even decided to go back to watch A Dal and see AWS reprise their song a little less louder than when they competed last year. And then our NF gave me a complete and utter surprise - The Roop reprising THEIR Eurovizijos 2018 entry. If you've been long enough here on Tumblr to know me, you would probably guess that I'm a big fan of "Yes, I Do" by The Roop, which I wanted to see winning our NF so badly last year, but in the end... you finish the quote so I don't have to. And it's odd because this year I felt the exact similar way with Hungary as with Lithuania last year - I have clear favourites I root for in both of those but deep inside I knew there was gonna be a different winner I only find okay and nothing else. (The difference is that "Az én apám" has grown on me since, "When We're Old" did not at all.) So back to discussing the interval act instead. For this one guest number of the NF's, the song began on a piano, "pretend" played by The Roop's lead singer, and then he got his butt off from the piano chair (unlike Duncan in Tel Aviv), to the microphone stand, and the song continued off sounding like its original version that was sung in last year's NF. I still love this song and even loved that version with piano at the beginning, but why did it not take over the whole song though? Just to not let the audience fall asleep before the Carousel would've? (Yes by the way, we got guest acts from other countries performing on our NF as well! But Carousel were the only ones to have a guest appearance, the other acts were either unchosen or perhaps busy doing Tel Aviv preparations, lol.) Well, good for them. I may or may not still would love The Roop entering and winning our selection someday, if they ever decide to participate again. They could've this year but they did not return, so maybe in 2021? Let this girl dare to dream for once, Lithuania ^_^

• I love when our NF has postcards, no matter at which stage of introduction they are on. In 2016 the postcards were present in every show (the ones for the final were the best), in 2017 they were only introduced in the round 3 of heats (sometime before the semis), in 2018 - from the 2nd round of heats onwards, in 2019 though they were only for the final... what’s the punchline for this paragraph? Oh, there IS none. I just confessed my love for our NF postcards. Just keep scrolling :)

• Okay so I know no one really pays attention to our heats because we have too many of them AND we have too many songs in them, and the eliminated ones always stop mattering to everyone right away. But I'm here to bring you a favourite meme of mine that hailed just from the heats alone: miss RÙTA, who could have done much better during her performance if she didn't constantly look like she's incredibly constipated. I don't know what makes her look like that - the lipstick? the grin? her over-dramatic entry about wordly disasters, "Paradox"? I may never know, but I will let you have a good look at it if you don't want to watch the whole video I linked. Personally, I liked the red staging this song had, and the song wasn't bad, but the singer felt agonizingly nervous and never got the chance to do better, sadly. Oh and look at that sleek tattoo, mmm.

• Oh and our NF featured a metal song but it’s so formulaic and by the numbers dad metal that I didn’t even support it all that much.... however I’ll let you listen to it if you’d really like. And there's this best alternative song of this year's NF that I've heard that also ended in the semis, and it's way better than Fusedmarc's alternative (despite having some ugly beatboxing skills). Check it out too if you will.

And thankfully, that’s that for another year. I’m getting so awfully tired to compress my own NF even further more, especially with my enthusiasm for the actual quality of this NF going down the shithole with every single heat show coming after each other just like that, with more mediocre songs after more mediocre songs. I’m also openly declaring that I have barely any energy left with continuting these writeups, seeing that there’s too many to go and most of them are STILL undercooked drafts. But I’m tryna pull through. I have another completely completed review underway afterwards - just a few edits here and there on it and I’m done with it, m8s! And then I’m piling up new paragraphs after new paragraphs on other reviews.

So I hope I let you know why do I think that the end result of ours is lukewarm - from a dramatic NF there should have been a slightly dramatic winner tbh, but in the end we got a pop song that only a few people like. Brutal. And with the biggest hopes in my eyes for our success I’d like to finish this off with two words. Sėkmės, Jurijau!

[grimelords]

Two days after I said I’d upload it tonight, here it is! My October playlist is finished and it’s chock a block full of good music and also bad music that I love. From John Mellencamp to drone metal, from Katy B to Cassius, it’s all here and more. Deadmau5 also is here and for that I apologise.

Small Town (Acoustic) - John Mellencamp: Guess who had a legit emotional reaction to a John Mellencamp song this month, thinking deeply about what it means to be from a small town and how much this song gets right and wrong about identity and freedom in a small town versus living in a big town? This guy. I think this song works a lot better stripped down acoustically than it does in the album version. It gives the lyrics a lot more space, and really lays out just how simple the sentiment of the song is. It sets the tone of this month's playlist pretty well now that I think about it. I've been feeling like a real pea-brain hayseed this month and big chunks of this playlist really reflect that.

Katy On A Mission - Katy B: It feels like this and Hold It Against Me by Britney Spears (which was also 2011) is the moment that big american style dubstep completely crossed over into the mainstream, Scary Monsters And Nice Sprites was about six months ago and from there it was a tidal wave until oversaturation and complete death. But Katy On A Mission is different because it's at least got the credentials of dubstep pioneer Benga producing it and it doesn't go all-out on the super dirty bass, or even particularly have a big drop at all - it just uses it textually all the way through and it's better off for it.

I Only Have Eyes For You - The Flamingos: The way this song is recorded is insane. It literally sounds like they're at the bottom of a well. And it's mixed in that good early stereo hard-panned style so the lead is in the right channel and the whole harmony is in the left channel and absolutely soaked in reverb in a way that just sounds incongruous with the rest of the song. It sounds like a dream. My favourite moment is at about 2:30 when the harmony vocals get so large on the high note that they clip out and distort in a way that just sounds very, very cool.

Horses In The Sky (Live Version) - The Sound Of Animals Fighting: The Sound Of Animals Fighting was a post-hardcore prog supergroup where they were all anonymous (it was just the entirety of RX Bandits plus Anthony Green from Circa Survive) and I really wish they'd done more like this after their first album - because they still wrote very very good songs but they got lost in the mire of studio ambient interludes and being avant-garde for the sake of it which sometimes worked and most times just bored you which thankfully they only succumb in the end section of this version. Compare this to the studio version if you want to know what I mean, halfway through the guitar solo it just starts playing in reverse.

Split Wide Open - Cannibal Corpse: Here's what I mean about feeling like a pea-brain this month. Cannibal Corpse is proper troglodyte moron man music. It makes me feel dumb as fuck like a real stupid guy. There's something interesting about Cannibal Corpse's enduring ability to shock people, and that a band making such extreme music are at least a name that people know. They were in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective for god's sake. Before Marilyn Manson and that wave of cabaret shock-rock really got into the popular consciousness Cannibal Corpse were making shocking, violent music without any of the glamour and I think it's served them well in the long run. Songs like 'Hammer Smashed Face' or 'I Cum Blood', are shocking in title, artwork and content to this day are still musically shocking to the vast majority, far more than Marilyn Manson's spooky androgyny and wearing like a top hat and having fangs or whatever that's aged like milk and become just another boring cliche. The idea of the devil being charming and sly, disguised in charisma is so much more boring than the devil just tearing you apart like mince meat and eating you. Anyway I'm here to say Cannibal Corpse is good music for dum-dums like me.

Funeraloplis - Electric Wizard: Someone's edited it now but it's still in the footnote links, but the best ever piece of writing on wikipedia was the quote on Electric Wizard's page where they were explaining the origin of their name because it said "Is the name Electric Wizard made out of two Black Sabbath song titles? [smokes a big bud of weed through a can] Hahahaha, yeah it is!" which is so good and sort of all you need to know about them.

I <3 U So - Cassius: Looking back through this list it seems I'm having a real 2011 moment for some reason. I don't think I *get* Cassius. From everything I read about them they seem to be french dance royalty but they literally have two good songs and they're both in this playlist. These two songs are very good though so maybe it's just that. Anyway it's a shame what Kanye did this to song on Watch The Throne but I don't blame him, it feels like this song is just impossible to work with. It's at a weird tempo, it's incredible loose, it basically has one section. I imagine this song would have frustrated a lot of DJs when it was popular cause I really don't know how you would mix in or out of it, but fuck it while it's on it's a great song!

Youth, Speed, Trouble, Cigarettes - Cassius: This is the other good Cassius song. I'm pitching it as the theme song for when they eventually reboot Skins. I really appreciate that this song has 1 idea and basically just does every variation it can with it before bringing it to a climax. When your idea is this simple and this good that's all you need. Also the big toms that kick in after the 'just one more' but are heaven sent.

It Took The Night To Believe - Sun 0))): Sun 0))) are such morons and it's so funny that you can be so dumb and so serious about this sort of music at the same time. On this song Greg Anderson is credited as Mystik Fogg Invokator and Stephen O'Malely is credited as Taoiseach, which is the name for the Irish prime minister. Whenever I listen to Sun 0))) for the first two minutes I'm like 'lol this sucks' but then suddenly the guy is like 'cry yourself to ash' and I'm feeling the pull of the void quite heavily. Basically it's just like that meme.

Seven Angels - Earth: I remember ages ago some guy posted Earth 2: Special High Frequency edition and it was just this whole album with a high pass filter on it which is a funny joke. Anyway it interesting to think of this album in the context of when it came out. Two years after Nevermind, six months before In Utero - grunge at the absolute height of its power, stoner metal like Kyuss and Sleep huge when suddenly this guy comes out of nowhere and distills guitar music down to its essence: slower, louder, heavier than anything else by an order of magnitude.

Mutual Slump - DJ Shadow: I finally saw Xanadu this month and now I can finally relate to the weird smiling breathing out your nose noise that she makes after she says 'I'd never hailed a cab before' in this song.

Walkin' On The Sidewalks - Queens Of The Stone Age: Queens Of The Stone Age's first album is 20 years old this year and I've been thinking a lot about how it was a two person operation. Josh Homme played and sang everything on this album except the drums and it's funny to think about writing this sort of music all by yourself outside of a jam structure. He really sat down with a pad and paper and wrote down 'outro: bass riff x400' and then recorded it just like that.

Witch - Maps & Atlases: I wake up with this song in my head so often it's insane. I think a triplet groove in 4/4 like this is such a good and underused feeling and this song really deploys is perfectly. I want more of this, the good kind of math rock where it's not just guys doing midwest emo tappy riffs that all sound the same.

Down 2 Hang - Kirin J Callinan: This is what meeting up with people from the internet feels like. It's kind of a shame that this album got completely overshadowed by the Jimmy Barnes screaming meme, and that it's the first and last a lot of americans will ever hear of Jimmy Barnes but in reality it's exactly what Kirin J Callinan wanted to good for him I suppose.

Fast In My Car - Paramore: If you can't tell already I'm having an extremely basic bitch moron man month and that included listening to this Paramore album a lot and telling my girlfriend about how isn't it so interesting that the guitarist Taylor York just took over drum duties for this album after their longtime drummer quit and did such a good job playing drums AND guitar and her rightly not caring at all. I'm always impressed by songs that keep the same chords through the verse and chorus, it seems impossible but it works great here.

Don't Stop The Dance (feat. Delafleur) - Breakbot: I'm clapping my hands to stress each syllable when I tell you that Disco Will Never Die.

Oqiton - Jeremy Dutcher: I'm so glad this album won the Polaris Prize because I feel like I would never have heard of it otherwise. I absolutely love it, and I think what I love so much about it is that it doesn't fall into the trap of similar projects like this in the past of smoothing out all the jagged edges and turning it into plastic pretty music from the untouched ancient peoples - it's a real and alive reinterpretation of old music that looks toward the future and past in equal measure. Including the actual original recordings in each track is such a smart move, it gives you the context you need so this album isn't about liner notes and extra sources and it lets those old recordings seamlessly fold into these new reorchestrations.

I Remember - Deadmau5 & Kaskade: Anyway moron month continues here with the only worthwhile contribution to the planet earth that Deadmau5 ever made, I suspect by letting Kaskade do most of the work. It sounds sadistic but I really appreciate how this song is nearly ten minutes long, I'm a big fan of any song with that much confidence that actually pulls it off.

Overtime - Jessie Ware: Fucking Jessie Ware is back and she’s got Bicep producing! I think I added this song to my playlist before it was even a minute in, I just heard the bassline and my brain stem said yes.

Body - Julie Jacklin: I really think Julia Jacklin might be the best songwriter around right now and I cannot wait for her new album. I guess this keeps with the moron man theme by telling it from the other side. I keep listening to this song and then getting into a real mood for about an hour afterwards so I can't imagine the damage the album is going to do to me.

Can't Tell Me Nothing - Kanye West: Throughout the whole ongoing Kanye drama I've been thinking of this song. " I feel the pressure, under more scrutiny, and what I do? Act more stupidly" "I'm on TV talking like it's just you and me". Anyway he's had is money right for a long time but it's becoming increasingly apparent that you really really can't tell him nothing. I think it's interesting that the thing that seems to have spurred him into clarifying his beliefs and finally backtracking on anything is that Candace Owens tried to credit him for the shitty Blexit thing and it turns out the one thing you can't do to Kanye West is manipulate him into putting his name on something he doesn't believe in or didn't create. It's insane that John Legend and Mos Def and Talib Kweli reaching out didn't change anything but Candace Owens taking one too many liberties absolutely did.

Like Wolves On The Fold - Colin Stetson: I've said it one million times but I love Colin Stetson. I love how straightforward this is for a Colin Stetson song. You can sing along to it! So much writing about him focuses on the intricasies of his technique rather than his resulting very human, very primal music. I feel like his music is not very far from beating on your chest and yelling a lot of the time (especially toward the second half of this song) and the saxophone element just makes it a lot more socially acceptable.

Sack 'Em Up, Pt. I / Sack 'Em Up, Pt. II - Gwenifer Raymond: Bandcamp had a really good article about American Primitive the other day https://daily.bandcamp.com/2018/10/10/american-primitive-list/ and I found this album in it and fell completely in love instantly. I listened to it five times in a row. It's just incredible and I'm so glad that the music I love is finally being rescued from the mire of New Acoustic youtube men with their slapping and tapping and harp guitars and moving forward in new ways with artists like Sarah Louise, Marisa Anderson and Gwenifer Raymond. Women are finally allowed to play guitar now and thank fuck. One of the things I really appreciate about this album is just how written it feels. Every part, even the very swirly Part One of this song feels very purposeful, and if not totally written at least improvised in a tight framework before moving into the completely written second half. There's nothing wrong with improv but in a genre like this that's almost overrun with guys putting out hour long improv records it's refreshing to hear someone with such a clear vision execute it so expertly.

Bleeding Finger Blues - Gwenifer Raymond: Also, get a fucking load of this. An absolute powerhouse performance from a master. There's not enough solo banjo music around and it's a shame because I don't know if there's a better argument for banjo as a solo instrument than this song. The other thing I like about this album is there’s three banjo songs on it, which works well for breaking up the sequencing and making each song really distinct in a genre where albums can really blend together.

4:30 - Danger: It's a shame that Danger never really fulfilled his potential. With songs as good as this as 19:11 he seemed set. But then he took about a decade off before his debut album and I guess he lost something along the way. Anyway, doesn't matter because when you've got a song as good as this it's all you need. Also here's a good video where someone just put this song over the bar scene from Terminator which really accentuates the vibe in my opinion. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z37R39-mff8

Crybaby - Abra: I love love love the production on this. A friend sent it to me because he said it reminded him of the Call Me Mr Telephone song I was raving about and he’s absolutely right. I love how formless it is, it goes through about three different verse ideas before finally getting to the chorus at about a minute and a half in and it’s only stronger for it. I’m so glad a new generation of darkwave adjacent people are discovering freestyle because this is great.

OMG!!! - Yelle: This song is probably best experienced with the music video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoWK4rV3INY It’s fantastic on its own, especially the “oh my god!” sample and the whole chorus section, but the video - titties out, covered in glitter, very very good dance move for the rising 'ooo' part, a hamster is there. Really accentuates it.

Copacabana (At The Copa) - Barry Manilow: Was thinking about this song the other day. Woke up with it in my head actually which was strange. I feel like this song and the Pina Colada song definitely take place in the same cinematic universe.

King Of The Dead - Cirith Ungol: I've been rereading Lord Of The Rings and also a very dodgy 70s sci-fi series called Dray Prescot and so divine fate has drawn me to discover Cirith Ungol. The good kind of metal where all the album covers could also be fantasy novel covers and all the songs are about how cool it would be to slay an ancient demon with a sword. I love this song because it feels impossible to sing it without doing some very dramatic face acting and also his voice is completely insane. I feel like this is maybe just how he talks.

Sugaree 10/21/1978 - Grateful Dead: Grateful Dead are good and ever since I came to terms with that I've felt like I'm always on the precipice of buying a box of tapes, covering my car in confusing stickers and dropping completely out of society. The problem with a big chunk of live Dead recordings that I've heard is that while the playing is always on point, the vocals can vary wildly - especially when they try any kind of harmony, but this recording is just great. Fantastic vocals with a lot of feeling, ample crowd noise so it doesn't feel like just a sterile soundboard recording, and of course an incredible extended jam.

Ring De Bell - Brother Resistance: I don't fully understand what rapso music is yet, I don't have enough understanding of the culture or surrounding genres. I basically just found this Best Of compilation and have been listening to it a LOT. As I understand it it's 70s Trinidadian calypso music that got very political, which is very cool. I'm a big fan of this sort of lyric where it feels like you could just go on and on for days about all the places you should ring the bell.

Kojack - David Rudder: The crown jewel of this compilation is of course this song I've posted about before and absolutely love to death. A protest song about them taking Kojack off the TV because it's too violent when shows like Dallas and Dynasty, which are far worse, remain on the air. Miami Vice! Before youtube comments and online petitions you had to make extremely good songs about this kind of thing, and its a huge shame that we've allowed this to die.

The Power Of Love - Celine Dion: I love Celine Dion because all her songs sound like they were recorded across 5 countries and 8 different studios and cost two million dollars. They always sound too expensive for casual listening to me, like I should have an emergency mink coat on me at all times just in case The Power Of Love starts playing in a supermarket.

Airworks - J Dilla: I've been listening to Donuts a bunch this month and really thinking about what makes him so good and the vast legion of Dilla imitators on soundcloud bad and I think this song is a good example. The main sample sounds straight up ugly, it's backwards and twisted to hell, the main strings part keeps folding over itself, it's just chaos but completely controlled chaos. Every imitator is so afraid to make a total mess like he does and is too focused on the underpinning laid-backness of the beat, where Dila somehow makes the relaxed feeling easily as a result of a million clashing elements.

Anti-American Graffiti - J Dilla: I also found a playlist on Spotify where someone had put together Donuts with all of the the original tracks it sampled (or at least the ones that are available on Spotify) and it's such an illuminating new way to listen to this album. https://open.spotify.com/user/keatonkreps/playlist/1TPeWt38uceWXD1Vhyf7wx?si=NJ_jHrYqQpCt18q-W9nrag

Marvel - Solillaquists Of Sound: Every genre has good music in it. Even rappity rap conscious hip hop has good songs like this one. There’s another song on this album called Popcorn that’s basically the It’s Media picture converted to a .wav but this song is good. Especially her vocals when they come in halfway through sounding like an astrology zine except good.

Rock Island Line - Johnny Cash: Johnny Cash has around one million songs about trains, including ‘Blue Train’, ‘Train Of Love’ and a song called ‘I’ve Got A Thing About Trains’ but this is the best one because it’s about train-related fraud and doing perhaps the most outlaw country manoeuvre ever and telling the toll man that you’re carrying livestock when you are in fact carrying pig iron.

I <3 U So (Skream's Made Zdar Feel Like He Was 20 Again Remix) - Cassius: Also as a kind of coda, here's Skream's version of I <3 U So, where he's completely ironed it out and turned it into a pulsing dnb thing which is always impressive to me when people completely reverse the feel of a song in a remix.

Worms Of The Senses / Faculties Of The Skull - Refused: Stereogum had a really good article about The Shape Of Punk To Come on its 20th anniversary and whether it really did turn out to be the shape of punk to come. They asked a bunch of people whether the title seemed arrogant and the vocalist from La Dispute had a really good answer where he said "But it’s like calling your shot and then fuckin’ hitting a home run. If it was arrogant, it was justifiably so." which is so great. https://www.stereogum.com/2020358/refused-shape-of-punk-to-come-turns-20/franchises/sounding-board/​

listen here

[artificialqueens]

Heavy Rain Ch.5 (Shalaska/Katlaska) -Insomnidelic

AN: It took longer to upload this than expected because my laptop screen shattered while I was in the middle of editing :) Enjoy <3

“Hey it’s Chad, leave a message.“

*beep*

“I know you’re still pissed, but do you have to ignore every last one of my calls and texts?” Aaron huffs into his cell phone before taking a drag of his cigarette. “Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I’m taking care of it today… I’ll be home before you know it. I love you.” He wraps up his voicemail and pockets his phone.

He’d been chain smoking in the alleyway of the Ritz for nearly an hour now, avoiding entering the swanky hotel for obvious reasons. The rain starts up again, forcing him to snuff out his cigarette and reluctantly make his way to the hotel entrance. He walks briskly through the lobby into a waiting elevator, gingerly pressing the number to Justin’s floor.

After leaving last night, he wandered aimlessly throughout the streets of Hollywood before stopping to rest at the first seedy motel he could find. He laid on top of that filthy bed for hours, struggling to wrap his head around the situation he’d put himself in. Images of Justin and Chad flashed behind his eyelids as he tossed and turned. How could he choose?

Since when was it a choice?

His eyes drift to his bare ring finger on his left hand. His tattoo stared back at him from where his engagement ring used to be, the jewelry now resting safely in his back pocket.

It was never a choice. It’s time to let go and move on. Just like you did the first time.

He arrives at his designated floor and exits the lift, slowly making his way around the corner to Justin’s suite. He takes a deep breath as he raps sharply against the door and waits for Michelle or Justin to answer. After a while, he knocks again a little louder.

“Justin, it’s Aaron. Open up.��� He says. Still no response.

He grows frustrated with himself for not checking with Michelle to make sure that they’d be here. He pulls out his phone to give her a call but is distracted by the chime of the elevator signaling somebody’s arrival on the same floor. He listens as footsteps near accompanied by two arguing voices, straining to catch bits of the heated conversation between whoever was coming his way.

“No he won’t, Justin.” He hears clearly from one of the voices.

Justin?

Aaron whips his head around to come face to face with Justin and Brian, both drenched from the storm, standing just inches apart. Their conversation stops abruptly upon spotting Aaron, obviously surprised to see him waiting.

“Baby!” Justin exclaims, darting from the end of the hall into his arms.

Aaron could feel his erratic heartbeat against his own chest as he held him close. He was soaking wet, but he didn’t care. Having him in his arms enamored him just as much as it did the night before. He peeks over Justin’s shoulder to lock eyes with Brian who stood several feet away, a stony expression gracing his features.

I swear this isn’t what it looks like, Aaron pleads with his eyes.

Brian wasn’t stupid. He’d heard enough from Justin to know that this was exactly what it looked like.

Aaron gently peels himself away from his ex, putting him at arms length to get a better look at him. His eyes were red and puffy, but he couldn’t be sure if it was tears or water from the rain dripping down his cheeks. Aaron furrows his brows and looks to Brian for an explanation.

“We had lunch!” Justin rushes out, noticing the way his lover glared at his best friend. “That’s all we did, I swear.” He squeaks, afraid Aaron would assume something else.

“Oh.” Aaron mutters, confused by Justin’s defensive behavior. Brian kept his distance, struggling to find his voice before finally breaking his silence.

“What the hell are you doing here?” He blurts, only able to say exactly what he was thinking. His tone angered Aaron. As if he had any business being here over him?

“I could ask you the same thing.” Aaron replies, pushing gently past Justin as he makes strides to come face to face with the other queen.

“We had lunch.” Brian sneers. Where was this hostility coming from? For all he knew, Aaron could be here to tell the truth for a change. But witnessing the way he embraced Justin a moment ago had him believing otherwise.

“That doesn’t explain why you’re following him back to his room.” Aaron says, keeping his voice low, his mind quickly jumping to the conclusion that Brian was looking to hook up. The thought angered him more than it should have. “You’re the last thing he needs right now.” He whispers harshly, eyes glancing back to a perplexed Justin who remained standing near the door.

“Me? All you’ve done is keep the truth from him. He deserves to know, Aaron. That’s why I’m here. I’m exactly what he needs right now.” Brian spits back a little too loudly. Aaron glances worriedly back at Justin who was now only a few steps away from the bickering queens.

“What’s going on?” He asks, inching closer. Brian’s comment hadn’t gone over his head. He knew they were keeping secrets. His heart sinks as he imagines what could possibly be so bad that even Aaron would withhold it from him.

“Nothing.” Aaron groans, infuriated by Brian’s lack of control over the volume of his voice. He forces a smile and turns to face Justin. “Why don’t you go in your room and change into some dry clothes while Brian and I-“

“No. You’re talking about me and I’m sick of being kept in the dark. All anyone has done since I woke up is keep things from me and it fucking sucks!” Justin exclaims, refusing to let Aaron dismiss him to his room like a child. He walks back over to the door and swipes his key card to unlock it. “Get in. Both of you.” He demands, gesturing with his free hand for the two queens to enter.

Aaron and Brian share a puzzled glance at one another, taken aback by Justin’s authoritative demands. It was so unlike him to take control like this. They warily make their way into the hotel suite, Justin following behind them before shutting the door.

“Sit.” He commands, Aaron and Brian obliging without protest. Aaron sinks awkwardly into an armchair leaving Brian to sit adjacent to him on the couch, both fearful of the direction this was headed.

“I want you to tell me everything. No more secrets.” Justin continues, flourishing his hands in a swiping motion before placing them on his hips. The room falls silent as Aaron and Brian gawk at him, neither of them sure how to begin.

“Maybe we should call Michelle first.” Aaron pipes up, pulling out his phone from his back pocket. He sure as hell wasn’t going through with this without her.

“No. We’re not waiting for her.” Justin objects, reaching over to snatch Aaron’s cell out of his hands.

“Give it back, Justin.” Aaron says firmly, standing up with his hand outstretched. He tries his best not to panic, praying that Chad wouldn’t pick this time to finally return his calls. Justin quickly pockets the device, ignoring Aaron’s request.

“You can have it back when I get some answers.” He snaps. He knew he was being ridiculous, but he so desperately wanted Aaron’s undivided attention. He looks to his left to catch Brian typing away on his own phone.

“Hand it over.” He demands sternly.

“No, please! I swear I’ll put it away.” Brian begs, clutching his phone to his chest while blindly pressing ‘send’ with his thumb. He hoped a message reading “HELP ITS JU” would make enough sense for Michelle. He didn’t have time to spell out Justin’s name.

“Brian, please. Do it for me.” Justin pouts, eyes begging. Brian reluctantly hands over his phone. How could he say no to that face? Damn Justin for looking so cute while behaving like a total lunatic.

Justin pockets the second phone and takes a shaky breath, closing his eyes and exhaling through his nose. The ball was finally in his court. He struggles to figure out what to say next, walking to the center of the living room to give himself some space to collect his thoughts before turning to face his supposed best friend and lover.

“I’m sorry I’m acting like a brat,” He begins with a whisper. “But you both need to understand that I woke up in a hospital bed after teleporting four years into the fuckin’ future, okay? So far, all I’ve been told is that my cat is dead and that I won a fucking drag competition. I know there has to be more than that.” He forces out, biting his lip as he tries to make sense of his own words.

“I’m so sorry.” Brian sighs, shaking his head slowly. It was truly awful what Justin was being put through. Waking up in a strange place, surrounded by strange people. Confused beyond his understanding and lied to on top of it. He didn’t deserve it.

“Ask us anything and we’ll tell you the truth, I promise.” Brian finishes honestly.

Aaron doesn’t say anything as he sinks back into his seat, lowering his gaze to the carpet. He was nowhere near the same level of willingness that Brian sat on. Thunder clapped and the lights flickered off and on.

If that’s not some fucking foreshadowing, he thought to himself.

Justin gazes at Aaron, suddenly overcome with emotion as he replays yesterday’s events over and over in his head. How could someone so close to him less than a day ago suddenly feel so far away? The signs were there last night, he realizes, an evident red flag raised just before Aaron left. It ate at him relentlessly.

“Why didn’t you say it back?” Justin begins, stifling his tears. He’d convinced himself that he was stronger than this. Stronger than the hold Aaron had on his heart.

“Say what?” Aaron replies, broken out of his trance. He already knew. He’d thought about it endlessly as he tossed and turned the night before.

“We stood right there.” Justin points to the doorway. “You were leaving… and I told you I loved you. You didn’t say it back.” Justin’s voice trembles, tears silently building up and pouring over. Maybe he wasn’t as strong as he believed himself to be. Aaron struggles to find his voice. The room was silent enough to hear a pin drop.

Or in this case, a phone buzzing in Justin’s back pocket.

Aaron’s eyes widen.

No.

Justin reaches shakily for Aaron’s cell, pulling it out slowly and turning it in his hand to view the screen. He’s met with an image of Aaron and another man on the display. They’re kissing in the photo. “BABE” in all caps flashes along with the vibrations of the ringing phone. Not one person dared to breathe. Neither Aaron nor Brian needed to see the screen to know who was calling. Justin’s heartbroken expression said it all.

“Oh.” Justin eventually chokes out, swallowing the lump forming in his throat. He grips the cellphone tighter, unable to take his eyes off the screen. Aaron sits in complete shock. Brian hides his face in his hands; he couldn’t bear to see the anguish in Justin’s eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Justin whispers without looking up as the phone ceases it’s buzzing in the palm of his hand.

“I didn’t want to hurt you. Not again.” Aaron breaks his silence, his voiced cracking from the weight of his words. His explanation seemed so ridiculous now.

“Well it’s a good thing I don’t remember the first time, isn’t it?” Justin spits, a wry smile spreading across his face. He chuckles to himself, his laughter contradicting his clear emotional pain.

Brian wasn’t fooled. Justin was in hysterics. His breaths were getting shorter, his laughter quickly replaced with labored breathing as he struggled to get enough air into his lungs.

“How long have you been with him?” Justin questions, smoldering eyes locked onto his now apparent ex lover. His world. His everything. Suddenly it was as if he had a thousand pound weight placed on his chest. He began to see red, his fingers going numb at the tips from lack of oxygen. Aaron remained silent, which only further enraged him.

Justin draws his arm back and hurls the phone full force at Aaron’s head, missing by an inch, the wall behind him now sporting a sizeable hole. Brian gapes in astonishment at how seemingly unfazed Aaron remained. A cell phone was nothing compared to the beer bottles Justin had lodged at him during a number of their drunken fights.

“HOW LONG?” Justin shouts, his rage uncontainable.

“Four years.” Aaron rasps, his eyes not quite reaching to meet his ex lover’s.

“Four years?” Justin croaks in disbelief. He clutches at his heart, desperate to keep it from pounding straight out of his chest. “You’ve been with him for four fucking yearsand you go behind his back to take advantage of me?” Justin shudders at the memory of him and Aaron making out on the love seat, shirtless and intertwined with one another. A beautiful memory now completely ruined.

“I didn’t go behind anyone’s back! He knows I’m here.” Aaron attempts hopelessly to defend himself.

“Really? I doubt he knows anything about us almost fucking on that couch last night!” Justin screeches, jabbing a finger at the love seat that Brian was currently sitting on. “How could you keep something like this from me, Aaron?” He whispers brokenly, eyes heavy with disbelief. Aaron was his soul mate, the absolute love of his life. And he now belonged to someone else entirely. It was earth shattering.

Brian reaches his breaking point for discomfort and stands quickly, clearing his throat.

“Ok, I think maybe we’ve all heard enough here today.” He rushes out his words, locking eyes with a trembling Justin. He couldn’t stand to see him hurt any further.

“You’re right. Let’s go, Brian.” Justin agrees, spinning toward the door without so much as a second glance toward Aaron. Brian follows after him, not giving a care where they were going. He wouldn’t even entertain the thought of separating from him at this point, not trusting Justin to be alone with himself.

“Whoa, where the hell do you think you’re going with him?” Aaron argues, standing to put himself between the two queens. His question was directed at Brian. He didn’t trust the self-proclaimed sex maniac not to take advantage of Justin in such a sensitive state.

“It’s none of your goddamn business where I go with my best friend, asshole!” Justin yells and shoves Aaron aside, grabbing Brian by the hand and pulling him toward the door.

“Best friend? Is that what he told you? You’re fuck buddies, Justin.” Aaron asserts with a bitter laugh. “He’s just trying to get deeper into your pants. He doesn’t give a shit about you.” he continues to run his mouth, not even believing his own words. All he knew was that Justin trusted Brian more than him, and he couldn’t stand it.

“Is that true?” Justin chokes out, looking into Brian’s eyes. If possible, his heart breaks a second time. Brian was the only one he thought he could trust. The only one he could seek comfort in.

Aaron is flooded with guilt at the realization that his words wouldn’t bring Justin closer to him. They would only drive him further from the one person who stood a chance at ever making him happy again. Brian’s face turns an unholy shade of red.

“Yeah. I lied to you.” He admits softly, not breaking eye contact with the younger man. “But Justin, I swear on my life. You’re so much more to me than just sex…” He trails off. There weren’t enough words to describe what he felt. He gazed into Justin’s glassy eyes, once filled with pain now lifeless and void of warmth. Justin’s grip loosens around his hand before completely letting go.

“Please, don’t…” Brian begs, reaching out for him as he turns away. Justin pauses but doesn’t look back. He rips the door open and slams it behind him without another word. Brian squeezes his eyes shut.

Michelle is going to fucking kill us.

–

“Holy shit, are you guys seeing this?” Adore slurs as she stairs out the window from her perch at the end of the stage. She takes another swig of her beer, mesmerized by the way the trees outside bent under the forceful wind and rain.

“No shit bitch, why do you think I haven’t left your drunk ass and gone home already?” Violet smirks before finishing off her own drink.

“’Cuz you love me.” Adore whispers into the other queen’s ear, tugging on her earlobe with her teeth as she wraps her arms around her corseted waist. The two had decided to stay in LA for a couple of days for a few impromptu shows at local drag bars since the cancelled tour left holes in their schedules.

“Would you lay off the PDA? People are already taking pictures. Reddit will be a shit storm tomorrow.” Violet whines, batting at Adore’s hands.

“I’m just giving them the show they paid for, jeez.” Adore sighs, leaning back to sprawl across the stage.

The bar was packed to capacity as word spread quickly that Violet and Adore would be making an appearance tonight. Unfortunately, the power cut out minutes into Adore’s set as the storm outside progressed. Weather reports informed everyone within the downtown LA area to take shelter in place which meant no one would be leaving the bar, even if the show was cancelled. Adore and Violet opted to kiki with their fans instead as they sat at the edge of the stage, both taking full advantage of drinks being served on the house for the inconvenience of being stranded.

The door to the bar swung open as a lanky, wet mess of a man entered. He couldn’t bear being out in the rain much longer and needed a place to sit until the storm blew over. He stalks to the bar and takes a seat on one of the few available stools before slouching over the bar top, burying his face in his arms.

“Does that guy look familiar to you?” Violet nudges Adore, her brows furrowing as she tried to put a face to the drenched, slumped figure. Adore sits up to get a better look.

“What the fuck? I think that’s Alaska. What’s she doing here alone? I thought Michelle had her holed up in that hotel?” Adore inquires, hopping off the stage and making her way through the crowd, Violet following close behind her.

“Lasky?” She whispers, gently laying a hand on Justin’s back. He flinches and snaps his head up in surprise.

“Oh… I’m sorry, I don’t really want to take any pictures or sign autographs right now.” He apologizes to the girls, assuming they were nothing more than just fans that’d spotted him in what he now realized was a drag tavern. He lowers his head to stare at the bar top.

Adore and Violet share an amused look at his reaction to seeing them. They’d almost forgotten that he didn’t even recognize them as boys, much less in full geish. They each take a seat on the two empty stools on either side of him.

“Oh babe, trust that I have more than enough pictures of the two of us together.” Violet chuckles and reaches to grasp Justin’s chin, gently turning his head to face her.

“I’m sorry, do I know you?” He rasps, taking comfort in this stranger’s gentle voice and touch. Adore lays her hand to his back once more and begins to rub soothing circles. His tense muscles slowly decompress under her finger tips.

“You’ve known us for a while, actually. We were even there with you at the hospital.” She murmurs, gently brushing at his soggy bandages still wrapped partially around his head. “But don’t worry about that right now. Just tell us what’s up, boo.” She says softly, an encouraging smile on her lips. Justin takes in her words before bursting into tears for the thousandth time that day.

“Aww, why are you crying?” Adore asks, sharing a concerned look with Violet over Justin’s shoulder. A guy standing next to them at the bar glances over at the sound of his sobs.

“Alaska!?” He shouts in excitement, garnering the attention of just about everyone in the venue. Droves of people begin to make there way over to the three seated queens. Adore quickly pulls herself up to stand on top of the bar and raises her hands to the crowd.

“Back off bitches! We’re having a private conversation and I don’t want any of you coming up and interrupting us, K? Party.” She yells before plopping back onto the cushy bar stool, the crowd quickly dispersing with groans of disappointment.

“Maybe we should take this to the dressing room for a little more privacy.” Violet suggests, nodding her head to the back of the bar.

“No! I want a drink.” Justin demands, sitting up straighter in his seat. He wanted to drown his sorrows the only way he knew how.

“Oh… Honey, I don’t think that’s such a good idea. You don’t drink like you used to.” Violet informs him apologetically, shaking her head.

“So I’ve been told. I don’t care. I’ve had a shitty day and I won’t tell either of you anything until there’s alcohol in front of me.” He whines, pouting and crossing his arms over his chest. Adore cocks an eyebrow at Violet before turning to the bartender.

“Can we get three shots of Maker’s Mark?”

–

“I can’t believe you just let him walk out like that!” Michelle hisses at Aaron and Brian, fishing her cellphone from her purse and frantically dialing 911.

She’d arrived just moments ago, having rushed here as quickly as possible upon receiving Brian’s panicked text. Unfortunately, the storm was the cause of several accidents on the freeway, which delayed her arrival by far too long. When she finally made her way up to the hotel suite, she was met with two sullen queens and a missing Justin who’d been gone for an hour already.

“What the hell were we supposed to do, tackle him and pin him down until you got here?” Aaron argued back.

“Yes!” Michelle exclaims, turning away from the two to speak to the emergency line operator.

“Why didn’t I go after him?” Brian whispers to himself as he stared off into space from his spot on the couch. When Justin walked out, it was almost as if time froze. His body turned to stone, unable to follow after him.

“Because you, like me, knew there was nothing you could do to keep him from leaving.” Aaron replies, overhearing him from a few feet away.

It was almost exactly like when Justin walked out on him the first time. He packed his bags and loaded all of his stuff in a U-Haul before driving across the country to make his mark on Hollywood. He didn’t even say goodbye. Aaron didn’t blame him. It was easier that way. There was nothing he could say to make Justin stay, partly because he wasn’t sure if he even wanted him to.

“This is all your fault.” Brian seethes, eyes flaming as he glares across the living room at Aaron.

“My fault? Last time I checked, you lied to him too.” Aaron steps closer to the other queen, his fists balling up at his sides.

“All I wanted was a chance! I lied to him so I could start fresh. What’s your excuse? You’re engaged, Aaron. You already got your happy ending. Why couldn’t you let me have one with him?” Brian explodes, his emotions from the earlier events finally catching up with him.

“Will both of you shut the fuck up? I’m on the phone.” Michelle hisses over her shoulder. “Yes, he’s been gone for over an hour now… What do you mean you can’t file a report until it’s been twenty-four hours? He has brain damage for Christ’s sake. I want a cop on this, now!” She demands to the 911 operator.

Aaron mulls quietly over Brian’s rant. Why did he really lie? He’d convinced himself that it was to avoid hurting Justin. But he quickly came to recognize it was more about keeping Justin. When Justin pressed his lips to his in the hospital it was like going back in time. He was suddenly the same gangly twink with messy brown hair who looked at Aaron like he hung the moon; he didn’t want to let him go.

“I’m sorry.” Aaron finally responds. “It wasn’t anything against you. He just has this effect on me…” He trails off, unsure of how to explain it. Love, whether it was old or new or lost or found, would never be a clear concept to him.

“I know the feeling.” Brian whispers.

But Brian wasn’t like Aaron. He wanted Justin for who Justin was now. He wanted Justin for his constant Bette Davis impressions and his annoying vocal fry and even his tantrum during All Stars. He wanted the Justin he’d gotten to know over the years of endless touring and drag race responsibilities. Growing close to the Justin from before that time was simply an added bonus. There was no end or clear beginning. From fan, to rival, to friend, his underlying feelings for Justin and Alaska Thunderfuck remained one in the same.

“Ok, that was absolutely zero fucking help.” Michelle snaps, hanging up her phone. “I need both of you to start calling everyone you know in LA right now and tell them to be on the look out. He can’t have gone far, the weather is getting worse so I’m sure he’s gone inside somewhere by now.” She finishes.

“Oh, did I forget to mention your favorite baby smashed my phone into a million pieces?” Aaron chuckles sardonically, holding up his destroyed cell phone and pointing to the hole in the wall.

“Fuck, I’m going to have to pay for that.” Michelle gripes.

Brian reaches for his cell in his back pocket, surprised when he doesn’t feel it’s familiar rectangular shape through his jeans. He stands and searches between the couch cushions with his hands, expecting it to have fallen between the cracks at some point.

Oh shit.

“Justin has my phone.” He wheezes, wide eyed as realization finally hits him.

“You’re just now telling me this? We could have tracked him by now!” Michelle huffs in annoyance as she dials the number to the phone company. Thunder roars  and the power goes out completely, causing the three queens to grown in frustration with the sudden darkness.

The storm was reaching hurricane status. Hopefully Justin hadn’t gone too far.

[shineyma]

Amy’s note: I’ve chosen to respond to your comments in-text; my commentary is in bold. It’s just easier to keep track of that way. Plus I added a read more for obvious reasons! ;D

Alright. I’m going to start with your post regarding Daisy’s “you and Fitz belong together” to Jemma. 

I honestly can’t even consider it a thing Daisy canonically told Jemma because her overall characterization is far too good for this sort of thing. I don’t think this is something S4 Daisy would tell Jemma. It’s just a joke, another instance of bad and inconsistent writing, right up there with Jemma’s “I can’t think without Fitz.” Three and a half seasons of Jemma finding herself in much direr, more desperate and far more apocalyptic situations – where she’s had her short break-downs/freak-outs to relieve some of the tension, then went right back to work using her genius brain to provide solutions – all of that cast aside so the writers can cater to their obsession with FS. Jemma’s break-down here wasn’t consistent with her previous characterization, and to try and pin it on the trauma of what had just happened with the Fitz-bot would be a form of retconning. *sigh* 

I both agree and disagree, nonnie! I liked that Jemma had a mini-breakdown, because she has been through a lot over the last few years and that piles up. Plus, as dire as things have been for her...killing one’s own boyfriend (regardless of the fact that it’s a robot version) is pretty traumatic. So I don’t think we can really dismiss this situation as “she’s been through worse”, especially considering that it’s not just that she killed LMD Fitz, but also he attacked her. That’s gonna (or should, if not for the writers’ dislike of consequences in fs-land) leave some scars.

So I liked that she had a momentary breakdown and had trouble thinking and gave up hope. Hope hurts, Jemma knows that more than anyone, and while she’s chosen before to hold on to it and find it in bad places, well...things are looking really bad there.

That said, I would’ve liked it better if she’d just stuck to “I can’t think” and left Fitz out of it. If it’d been a breakdown about her and not a breakdown about fs, it would’ve been much better. And less jarring.

And this thing where we find two women amidst a crisis having an exchanging and most of it focusing on the one’s male love interest – all the while these women have so many traumatic and otherwise experiences in common that they could talk about – is The Flash’s Iris and Caitlin all over again. But it’s even more inexcusable and unforgivable here because it’s out of character for both Daisy and Jemma in this situation and they have they kind of long and rich and complex history together and Caitlin and Iris don’t. And on this note, nyxelestia reblogged your post and made a truly excellent and well-though addition about AOS and the treatment of Daisy/Jemma. (Oh, I’m getting angry.)

Actually, I think the saddest part is that the exchange didn’t mostly focus on Fitz. They made a plan and Jemma referenced Daisy’s need to atone and said she couldn’t lose her and they argued about what to do and so on and so forth, and then Daisy dropped that destiny crap in out of nowhere and that’s what we’re remembering. Without it, it was a really great scene. Minus the aforementioned “I can’t think without Fitz” stuff.

Anyway. Re: Brett and Ward’s return, Jed Whedon said that they wanted to bring Brett and Ward back without negating what they’ve already done with the character, and that sounds to me a lot like Brett/Ward is only going to be a temporary Framework thing – but hey, of course dream on! (Not going to lie here; this is me crushing your Ward hopes in a sort of, kind of, maybe revenge for making me do all those calculations and consider the dates and get my hopes crushed that November 8 isn’t related to F.Z.Z.T and FS. Although I’m honestly grounding my own excitement too because I also want Brett and Ward back so badly.) By the way, “I have MISSED HIS FACE and I want him to stay FOREVER” is precisely what I’m feeling about Brett and Ward’s absence. You’ve put it into words!

XD I admit that I am deserving of having my hopes crushed. But I will live in hope anyway because I like this show better when Brett’s on it. (Not to say I haven’t been enjoying s4 thus far!! I’ve actually really loved it! I just would’ve loved it even more with added Brett.)

About Framework!fic: it should definitely be the new rock!fic. That was my own immediate thought once the episode ended. The two cliffhangers are so much similar in nature, in all the possibilities they open up, that it only makes sense. So get on that! You only have, like, a month or so (…she says as if she wouldn’t read a Framework!fic a whole decade from now). Daaaazzle me as you always do! (Side note: this is just an expression of my pure and unbridled excitement over Framework!fic. No one is in no way ever to feel rushed or pressured to write anything.) Also, please never stop being a #terrible and predictable raccoon. Your #terrible and predictable raccoon…iness gives me life. This is the kind of #terrible-and-predictable-raccoon-produced content I signed up for. :3

<3 <3 <3 Thanks, nonnie!! That’s so lovely to hear! :D

And finally, onto the Framework theories!

I was personally never worried that Jemma would die because she appears to be dead in the Framework, and for a number of reasons. Firstly, there’s Elizabeth’s status as a core cast member and one half of FS. I think that if she were to be killed off, we’d strongly suspect it slash feel it coming, like with Brett. And we know how much the writers love FS. One of them dying is, I think, pretty much the only kind of drama they would not create with those two. Then there’s Jemma’s “but dying in there will definitely kill you” to Daisy. Maybe it was just me but the minute we saw Jemma’s grave in the Framework and we were thus “told” that Jemma is dead in the reality of the Framework, my brain immediately went down the path that said Jemma was dead in the Framework before her consciousness was uploaded to it, and that what she’d told Daisy about dying in the Framework resulting in death in the actual reality, only pertained to people who were uploaded in the Framework, no the made-up replicas that existed in it (e.g. Mack’s daughter, Coulson’s students, perhaps Ward etc.). So unless a time jump happened (highly unlikely considering how the Framework sequence was presented) where Jemma’s uploaded consciousness died inside the Framework, the supposedly dead Jemma is merely her replica.

See, I guess everyone else saw it coming, but Ward’s death came out of nowhere for me---and while I knew they’d kill off Hive (because aos has something against multi-season arcs, even when it means wasting amazing villains), I honestly thought they’d find some way of keeping Brett around. Maybe it was denial, I don’t know; point is, Brett being gone for good came TOTALLY out of left field for me. It left scars. So I was absolutely worried that they’d do the same with Liz. XD

Plus, I sadly don’t share your assurance that they wouldn’t kill one of fs for drama. They have a clear preference for Fitz and imagine how many episodes of him blaming himself and missing her and angsting and angsting and angsting they could squeeze out of Jemma’s death? Oh, not to mention everyone else’s lives revolving around him while never addressing that they might mourn Jemma in her own right. The writers love that stuff.

Now, re: a potential resurrection if she’s truly dead and buried there, I honestly can’t tell if the writers would go as far as to pull a Buffy or Dean with Jemma. Buffy is Joss Whedon’s show. And I think her middle name’s Anne, like Jemma’s? And her first name is Elizabeth? Also, Dean is named after his grandmother, Deanna. And he hooked up with that angle turned human turned angel again, Anna Milton, a few episodes into S4 i.e. his resurrection season, and all that about the first thing Anna heard on the “angel radio” was “Dean Winchester is saved.” (Maaaan, it’s truly dark down here in this hole. How do rabbits see? Do they have night vision? :3)

Re: the November 8 and deliberately hidden year of Jemma’s date of death, JD’s red herring theory is likely and it gives me hope and I love it. Again, I wouldn’t put it past the writers to have made the calculations necessary to connect it to F.Z.Z.T. and make it another FS-related thing instead of Let. Jemma. Have. Her. Own. Non. Fitz-related. Storyline. But there are other things to consider here before we talk about old episodes and how the date might connect to them.

First of all, we have no idea if Jemma really is dead. (Side note: we’re always talking about the Framework replica of Jemma. We’re assuming the gravestone is there at least a whole moment before our Jemma is successfully uploaded or whatever else on Earth happens.) Jemma could have faked her death for one reason or another. Or some people have theorized that the gravestone is actually the rendezvous point for Daisy and Jemma i.e. the backdoor that Jemma programmed in the Framework so she and Daisy can get out of there once their mission is complete.

Ooooooooooo, I hadn’t heard the theory that the gravestone was the backdoor! I like that one. Faking one’s death is always a classic, so I’ve loved that one since I heard it, too. (Spoiler alert: I actually have a little gifset re: that possibility scheduled for tomorrow.)

Another theory I read is that Framework Jemma is indeed dead, and that the real Jemma will simply not be uploaded and wake up to coordinate the rescue of the others with Elena from wherever Radcliffe and Aida are keeping them. I find this one highly unlikely if I’ve being honest – not dramatic enough, especially considering all the other far more spectacularly dramatic possibilities.

But in the end, before we can really work on any of the individual characters inside the Framework, we have to figure out the overall reality of the Framework. Coulson being a teacher and teaching children to fear Inhumans, May ascending in the elevator at a Triskelion with the HYDRA logo plastered on its side, Fitz as a – theorized – Tony-Stark-esque version of himself… None of that means anything unless we know the details – indeed, the World History of Framework!Earth. Is HYDRA the same evil organization that they are in reality? Certainly, the logo remains the same stupid, menacing, evil-looking octopus. But that could be for the viewers’ benefit or some other practical reason. And then, building on that, did S.H.I.E.L.D. fall? When did it fall? When did the uprising happen? Did S.H.I.E.L.D. ever exist at all? Did Captain America? Were there any World Wars at all? Is it a Nazi dystopia? The Inhumans clearly happened. But how did they happen? And is Daisy even one of them in the Framework? And so on and so forth.

My own personal theory for why May’s HYDRA: she saved that little girl in Bahrain, which we saw. So say the little girl then used her power to get May under her control....and then Hive came back and swayed the little girl, thereby getting indirect control of May. Now Hive is ruling HYDRA, Coulson fears Inhumans because they’re all swayed and doing Hive’s dirty work, and so on.

(I will freely admit that 50-60% of this theory is just grounded in me wanting Hive back. Getting Ward is amazing enough, but I’m greedy.)

Anyway, really there are way too many possibilities. We can’t even begin to guess what happened and what didn’t.

Except kind of we can, because the idea was each person plugged into the framework had a single regret changed. So anything that happened before the oldest of them (Coulson or May?) was born in the real world probably happened there too. There would need to be some kind of consistency between the worlds, otherwise the circumstances that created their regrets might never have happened, thereby denying Aida the chance to fix them, right?

So probably the World Wars happened, probably Cap existed, probably HYDRA was evil. Whether Cap’s still around, HYDRA’s still evil, etc....that’s harder to say.

Assuming we answer the above, we can work on individuals. “We are being called in,” as seen on Daisy’s phone, is a pretty good indicator of what she and Ward might be doing for a living. Could be misdirection. If it’s not, do they work for HYDRA? And again, if we don’t know what kind of organization HYDRA is and what the form of government is in general, we can’t speculate on May and her working at HYDRA – maybe even heading it.

And then we also have to decide whether Aida was immediately alerted when Daisy and Jemma uploaded themselves into the Framework, and if she made any adjustments – and to what ends. Did Aida kill Framework Jemma on purpose, to stop the real Jemma? Did she put Ward in there instead of Lincoln to do the same to Daisy? Because I could buy that some part of Daisy might have thought about Ward might have turned out like if he hadn’t been found by Garrett – if he had been found by Coulson or some other good, loyal S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. Or if his family had never been abusive. So, a good Ward could have been her boyfriend of choice in the Framework, but only if Lincoln had never existed in reality. I sincerely think Daisy’s true desire is Lincoln, not Ward. And not just because she called his name and thought she would find him in her and Ward’s bed. Lincoln just makes sense, emotionally and mentally.

Re: Daisy’s boyfriend of choice, it’s been pointed out that Ward makes sense as her boyfriend in the framework because of the lack of choice. Aida mentioned in the episode that she had to keep resetting the framework when they added someone new; if Daisy had been caught and plugged in the way the others were, Aida would have adjusted things to address what ever Great Regret she thought Daisy needed fixed. But because Daisy wasn’t planned for, she just got slotted into the life her double was living as a consequence of all those other large changes. Whatever rippled out from the others’ regrets being fixed led to Daisy being with Ward; her own choice had nothing to do with it.

Because I agree, she absolutely would’ve chosen Lincoln.

So, to circle back to an earlier point, making a connection between Jemma’s date of death as seen on her gravestone and one of the old episodes is a very messy, all-over-the-place thing, because it would require this and that and the other for the circumstances that led to F.Z.Z.T. to have happened in the reality of the Framework as well.

See, as much as I like all the theories that have Jemma not dying in FZZT...I think you’re giving the writers a liiiiiiiiiittle too much credit there. I don’t know that they’d actually consider all the possible ripple effect and technicalities, not when they have the opportunity to turn it into a “I’d be dead without you!!” shipper moment.

Alright, I’m done. That’s about all I can remember that I wanted to say. Thanks, again, terribly, for letting me send this to you this way. It made the text much easier and less stressful to produce and handle (I absolutely cannot guarantee the absence of all sorts of mistakes). You’re an angel. And you can also edit it however you want, you know. Go wild! Write comments in between if you want. Delete stuff. Add jokes.

You’re welcome, nonnie! <3

P.S. Yes, I have indeed made the submission essentially anonymous. In the words of Steve Rogers: “Internet. So helpful.” Especially when you suffer from crippling shyness. Which I hate. Because it makes my life unnecessarily difficult and impossible.

I totally feel you, nonnie. I have horrible social anxiety and 99% of the messages I send to non-mutual blogs (and, honestly, even them sometimes) are sent on anon. I don’t blame you at all!

Thanks again so much. ❤ ❤ ❤

And also, yay for the Framework!fic you’re making progress on!

My excuse for posting this at 1AM: I finished and posted the fic! Yay?

[jessestoddard]

Today’s interview with Karen Marie Chase is part of my ongoing blog-to-book project: Life After High School: Secrets To A Successful Life By Those Who Have Had Twenty Years To Think About It (or) What They Didn’t Teach Us Gen Xers In High School. If you missed the last post, click here, otherwise, you can start at the beginning here.

Karen Marie Chase

(Formerly Karen Marie La Mesa)

Beverly, MA

My Life In High School

Who were you in High School and how did you feel about it?

Who was I in high school? I was a nice girl who didn’t really fit into a group. I was athletic but wasn’t a “jock.” I got good grades but wasn’t a “nerd.” I wasn’t a “stoner,” yet I had friends who smoked and did drugs. In fact, I’ve never had even a single drag off a cigarette or tried a drug in my life. I had lots of friends but wasn’t one of the “popular” girls. A girl who had nothing—but everything.

I am a child from a single parent family—the girl who would help anyone and expected nothing in return. I was an independent, hard working kid, (started babysitting when I was 9, got a paper route (delivering the Skagit Valley Herald) when I was 11, started bussing tables when I was 15 and moved into working in a kitchen when I was 16 and have been working ever since.

How did it make me feel? Honestly, I never really thought about it before, but as I write this I am feeling really proud. I never caved to peer pressure or did anything I didn’t want to do just because other people were doing it or tried to talk me into it. My mom taught me to treat other people the way I wanted to be treated. A motto I lived by then and one I still do my best to live by today.

What did you think your life would become when you graduated?

What do any of us think our lives are going to become after graduation?

I thought I’d graduate from college, get a job, get married, have kids and live happily ever after. Who doesn’t picture some version of that grandeur?

My Life After High School

What happened in your life to you, for you, and by you in the last twenty years (how have you used your time and who have you become)?

As mentioned I come from a single parent family. My mom was proud and didn’t have help from anyone, which meant, we (me, my mom and younger brother) moved… A LOT.

I went to five different first grades alone.

Born in Torrington, CT, we landed on the West coast fairly early. On our way to the west, we lived in South Dakota and Colorado before landing in Reno, NV. We spent time in California, and Oregon as well. When I had just four weeks of 6th grade left we moved to Anacortes.

My brother and I were in shock. We had two aunts there and had visited but never thought we’d live there. My mom sent us ahead of her because she thought it would be helpful for us to make friends for the summer.

The Anacortes School District separated my brother and I. They sent him to Island View and me to Mt. Erie. The week after we got to Anacortes we both got the Chickenpox. Then I got to go to Camp Orkila. Met some great friends at Mt. Erie. Friends I keep in touch with today.

The move to Anacortes wasn’t easy. I’d come from a big busy, 24-hour city with huge overcrowded schools to a small “island” that rolled up the sidewalks at 8:00 every night. We spent four years in Anacortes.

I struggled at first; most kids who lived there had lived there their whole lives. They already had their groups. It took me a long time, but I was beginning to find my way, and then it was time to move again.

I was so ANGRY with my mom for moving us again. It was the summer of 9th grade. I had friends, a boyfriend, was doing well in school and sports, a paper route. I didn’t want to move! I sat in the U-Haul with my arms crossed and didn’t speak to my mom the whole way. How could she be doing this to us again?

I started 10th grade in utter shock. I thought Anacortes was small! We moved to a town called Wilton and in 11th grade the next town over, Lyndeborough. These are truly TINY towns. The junior high and high school were combined, Wilton—Lyndeborough Junior Senior Co-Operative High School and only had 350 kids total for grades 7-12! I learned the definition of tiny. My graduating class had 43 kids and 40 of us graduated!

I started dating a guy who lived up the street from us. I dated him all through the remainder of high school and college. We broke up for a period of time when I was in college. I graduated with a Bachelors Degree in Fine Arts with a Graphic Design concentration. After graduation, I got an apartment with that boyfriend. We broke up about a year later.

Finding a job after graduation was shockingly hard. No one will hire anyone without experience, but no one wanted to give experience. I finally got a job in a business card print shop making $11 an hour.

I was so upset at this. I did everything I was supposed to; I went to college and got a degree… And for what? To rack up $80k in student loans to make $11 an hour?! What a freaking joke! I could have skipped school and got a job that paid me $8 an hour and have no student loans.

A woman I was working with sort of put things into perspective for me. She said, “Karen, I’ve been working here 10 years and I bet your starting pay is very close to what I make.” It really made me think.

I stayed at that job for two months because as luck would have it, the job I really wanted called me. The person they’d hired didn’t work out and I was choice number two. I left the BC job and took a design position in Concord, NH. I replaced two designers and they had a temp in to help me but I ended up being the sole designer. I was doing the work of two people but only getting paid for one.

At this job, I learned Life Lesson #1: It was a small family company. One of the guys who worked there gave me the best professional advice I’d gotten to date, “Just remember kid, this is a family business and you ain’t family.”

I worked my ass off at that company. Doing the work of two people and it got me nowhere. I still worked my butt off though. If there is one thing my mom instilled in my brother and me, it was a strong work and moral ethic.

Because student loans were so expensive I needed to find another job to help pay for them. My aunt got me a job bartending at a small bar. From there I went to bigger bars, some a bit nicer, some a bit seedy. But I made good money no matter where I was. On a Wednesday night, I’d make what I made in a whole week at my design job.

I’d been a waitress through college but not a bartender. I LOVED it. It was a natural fit for me. I have never been someone who required much sleep and I love people, so two jobs didn’t effect me in any way other than making it easier to pay my bills. I had a great time bartending.

At the same time, I’d convinced my best friend from High School (Wilton) to get an apartment with me in Manchester, NH, aka MachVegas.

Boy did we have a blast! We had so much fun the cops showed up more than once.  Let’s see… They came to our Halloween Party, our Pimp N’ Ho party, our Toga party. Heck, they showed up at our not-even-a-party card playing Saturday night…. Yep, we gave the Manchester police some funny stories to tell!

During this time I learned my second life lesson…

Life Lesson #2: Don’t date a guy you meet in a bar.

Working behind a bar you get hit on all the time and it’s very easy to turn these advances down. I decided to give one guy I met a chance. He seemed different. He was the nicest guy on the planet until you added alcohol!

Early on I disclosed that drugs (even weed) were not something I wanted in my life (this was the main difference between my high school sweetheart and me).  Unfortunately, he smoked a lot of it. To his credit, he tried to give it up but that translated to more drinking. He got so bad that my friends and family didn’t want him around.  Friends would tell me I was invited to things but that I couldn’t bring him.

I finally had enough when on a really bad snowy night he was being nasty and I said I was going home. It was a bad storm but I ran to leave anyway. I jumped in my car and went to back up and hit my breaks abruptly to his mom screaming to stop. He had thrown himself under my car and I nearly ran him over! Once he got out from underneath he ended up on the hood screaming at me to drive because he was going to die tonight. His parents came out and his father and I ended up wrestling him to the ground and pinning him down until he was foaming at the mouth. I didn’t even know that was real. Thought that was just some special effect you saw in the movies. The saddest part, the next morning he didn’t even remember doing any of it.

Why do guys always do too little until it’s too late then expect forgiveness? I’d been pushed to a point that I couldn’t return from.

I was trying to get away from him when I met David. It was a freak 80-degree day in the middle of February. The print shop I worked at had two buildings and I happened to notice a job sitting on the counter that was supposed to have shipped two days prior. Luckily, UPS picked up from our 2nd building later in the day. I grabbed the box and hurried down the hill.

As I was approaching the building there were two guys at the bottom the hill outside the main entrance to the building. One was on a motorcycle and said something. I didn’t know them so didn’t think they were talking to me and looked behind me. As I got closer I asked if they were talking to me and the guy on the motorcycle said, “Yes, do you need help carrying the box?”

I thanked him for the offer and kept going. When I was heading back they were still there. As I went by, the guy on the bike asked if I wanted to go for a ride. I said sure and kept walking. I caught him so off guard that he stumbled over his response which was, well I’d take you for a ride but I just got this bike today and don’t have the passenger seat yet.

I stopped and looked at him and said well then why did you offer? He tried to give me his phone number and told him if he was serious when he got his seat I worked at Town & Country and was the only Karen there. He could call me when the seat arrived.  It snowed 6 inches the next day!

A week or so later I got the call. It was snowing again and he said while he got his seat in, it was snowing so perhaps I would like to get a cup of coffee. I told him I didn’t drink coffee. Radio silence. I laughed and said, “But I do drink other things!”

I invited him to get some friends together as some of my girlfriends and I were going out that weekend. He ended up coming alone…. My aunt said, “Oh, he’s a brave soul.”  We dated for a year and got engaged that Christmas. We planned a wedding and sent out invitations and everything then I called it off after he broke my trust. We tried to work on things but it was never the same.

A few months shy of our 4-year anniversary—the day after Christmas—he said his feet were feeling funny to the point that I took him to the emergency room. He was diagnosed with Guillain-Barre´ Syndrome. An autoimmune disease that causes your immune system to attack your nervous system.

David was a Desert Storm Vet and I learned a lot about autoimmune diseases and the elevated number of Desert Storm Vets to suffer from them. The good news is if you are going to get an autoimmune disease this is the one to get. Ninety percent of people recover from it 100%, but it is a long slow recovery averaging 6-plus months. He spent a couple weeks in the hospital and a month in rehab. Every morning I would go to the hospital get him in his wheelchair and do laps around the hospital. Go to work, go home, walk the dogs and go back to the hospital.

By then I wasn’t bartending anymore but was a shot girl at a local bar. It was a hell of a lot easier than bartending and to my surprise much more fun! I met one of my very best friends in this job.

A funny thing that I can say with confidence is that I never judge anyone based on appearance. When being introduced to this girl on my first night, for some strange reason I looked at her and thought to myself: Oh man she’s going to be the biggest bitch ever!

I have no idea why I thought that. I was introduced to Amanda and seriously we were instant friends and have been the best of friends ever since.

That year, I left the bar early on New Year’s Eve—ran to the CVS and bought a bottle of sparkling cider and plastic cups and ran to the hospital, jumped the gate and waited outside the employee entrance until someone came out so I could get up to David’s room for New Years.

He was moved to rehab a few days later where I continued the same routine until it was time for him to come home. Sadly it was a downhill spiral from there.

Life Lesson #3: Don’t go down with the ship.

He had a hard time getting back to norm. In fact, he never ended up going back to work. I don’t remember why but he started doing drugs—heavy drugs. I tried to help, tried to get him back on track and to being well emotionally and mentally but I just wasn’t enough and he continued to spiral. We broke up, I moved out.

For the first time since before I graduated college I moved back home. This time, unlike when I left the long time beau, I took my things, things we bought together but I paid for and packed up. I made the mistake the fist time around of letting my Ex keep anything we bought together because my new roommate had furniture and I made better money than him, and I thought I’d be able to replace it sooner. I tried my best but can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved, so I said my goodbyes and moved on.

I started spending time with a guy I met in college. I’d gone back to school to see a friend graduate and bumped into him working. Eric and I became friends my junior year. I was a bank teller while in college and he came to my window.

Little did I know my whole life was about to change.

It turns out this guy worked at my college. We became pretty good friends in our senior year, but after graduation, I never expected to see him again. At my friend’s graduation, we reconnected.

We never talked again all summer then out of the blue he called me that winter and asked if I skied. I didn’t but had just learned how to snowboard. We started hanging out a lot that winter, while David didn’t.

After we broke up, I ended up doing some design work for him and he helped me build my office. I started a graphic design business and my mom lets me build an office and studio apartment in part of a building she owned. He came up on weekends to help me build it.

I got my little design shop up and running. Studio K was in operation for about 3 years.  I was also working part-time at the chamber of commerce. I got my name out there, met other businesses and business owners.

I was more or less breaking even and then in May of 2006, my office and apartment were flooded in the Mother’s Day Flood. A huge portion of New Hampshire flooded when 14 inches of rain fell in a short time and flooded much of southern New Hampshire and parts of Massachusetts.

We’d been close but never single at the same time.  For the first time in our friendship, we were both single. I also never saw anything working out between us because he had two children. His life was in Massachusetts; my life was in New Hampshire.

At the time I also had a 17-year-old cousin in my care. I wanted him to be able to finish high school and get off to college before I made any drastic changes.

Well, the Mother’s Day Flood changed all that. My office and apartment had been flooded out.  Which forced my hand to move sooner than planned. We made arrangements for him to stay with a family friend until graduation and I packed up and headed to Massachusetts to start my life with Eric.

I’m not really sure how all that happened. I never imagined I’d ever go back to Massachusetts—let alone live there.

We had some serious ups and downs and some REALLY trying times with his kids. He was working two jobs so I spent the majority of the time with his kids. At first, it was fine as the kids were really good kids.

As time wore on their mother started to cause all kinds of problems for us. Such major problems that we almost didn’t make it. Jealousy is a very unattractive quality. After years together I finally told him it was time to take things to the next level, that I wanted a family and if he didn’t want the same things as me then we were wasting each others time. I felt if he didn’t know after 5 years, he was never going to know and told him I had a time set in my mind that if he didn’t make up his mind, I’d be forced to make up mine.

His deadline was New Years. If he didn’t make a move by then, I’d be moving out. In October he surprised me with a trip to Mexico. He’d arranged my mom coming to pick up my dogs to watch them. He bought suitcases and a bathing suit for me and a couple dresses. I was floored. I tried not to get my hopes up. We’d never been on a vacation and this was a fancy one and was a gift in itself.

We arrived on the morning of Halloween. My favorite holiday! And that night, to my shock—he proposed!

To his shock, I asked him if I could think about it.

He wasn’t sure if I was serious. I was. I asked if we could have a baby? He said he was close to saying yes. I told him kids were a deal breaker for me. I wanted a family so if we could have a family and do something about the situation with the kids (things were still really rocky) then I’d be happy to be his wife.

We saved for two years to pay for our wedding. I wanted to be married before we had kids.  If I had known it would take so long to get pregnant then I might not have waited. I never dreamed of how hard it would be to get pregnant. It turns out there was an issue that was standing in our way, but as luck would have it after several years of trying we were finally blessed with good news. A baby was on the way.

Life Lesson #4: A healthy baby is truly the most amazing gift anyone could ask for.

I took for granted how difficult it would be to get pregnant. Then once I was, a healthy baby became the true blessing in life. During my pregnancy, my best friend (my partner-in-crime shot girl) lost a baby to a very rare umbilical cord accident when she was 7 months along.

She too had a hard time getting pregnant and this was very traumatic for her and her husband. Also while pregnant, another close friend’s baby was diagnosed with a severe heart condition while still in the womb. My niece stopped growing and arrived a month early. I had no idea what a blessing a healthy baby is on top of having the baby in the first place.

We did not know if we’d be welcoming McKayla Marie or Alexander James but were answered when Alexander James arrived on May 30th, 2015. It was a week late but perfectly healthy!

I have never felt more blessed than I do now. Everyone told me life as I knew it would change. I didn’t expect it wouldn’t but I had no idea it was humanly possible to love someone more every day! He is truly amazing.

I know I’m biased but he’s just perfect… If only he’d sleep!

I joke that I followed a boy to Massachusetts. I figure it’s ok since I married that boy and we now have the most amazing little boy and a couple wonderful stepchildren and hopefully a daughter-in-law in the works.

So that’s where I am family-wise. Career-wise, where am I? What was my path? It’s been a little bit of a bumpy ride.

I mentioned I went to college after high school, started out working in a couple print shops, left the second to be the art director at a magazine in Manchester, NH.

I got there and had one of the less-than-awesome experiences in my career.

Life Lesson #5: It’s not lonely at the top.

I got to this art director job and walked into a girl who was acting as art director and being more or less demoted. Their director had left and one of the girls working there had stepped up and was acting as art director.

She didn’t know I was being hired until the minute I walked through the door. What a way to start out!

I should have known better. This was also a small company and also run by a husband and a wife. The husband was fine, the wife—not so much. She was nasty and would play me and the rest of the designers against each other. She told me it was lonely at the top and that I couldn’t be friendly with the girls because I had to be their boss. I do not agree with that philosophy whatsoever.  I believe if you are good to people they will be good back to you and I stuck with that philosophy.

Needless to say, it didn’t work out and this was what pushed me to open Studio K Graphics. I knew I could do a good job and make money at it.

I met a friend/former customer for lunch one day shortly after leaving and he told me he had something in his car he wanted to give me. I got there and he opened the back door and in the car was a printer, a fax machine, a computer and a few other office necessities. He said I was talented and could make it running my own business. I, of course, refused the gifts. There was no way I could pay for them.  We went back and forth and I only agreed to take them if he’d let me pay him back in some way, even if that meant through trade.

So it worked out and that was how I started Studio K Graphics. Once I closed it down after the floods, I kept some of my customers, I just didn’t take on any new ones. I still have a couple I do some work for today.

When I was in college I worked in the kitchen for work-study. I called the guy who runs the kitchen at Endicott and asked if they could put me to work until I could find a job. I was in luck. So I worked in the kitchen at my old Alma Mater for a couple months until I landed an art director position at a company that published trade magazines.

So here we go again, a small company, run by a guy who had his daughter working there for the summer. Well, she was as “Royal Princess” as the piece of work he was!

What a disaster that place was. This was truly the worse job I’ve ever had. The guy was the type of guy who thrived on conflict. He wasn’t happy unless there was some drama going on and if there wasn’t any he created it. His daughter was a prima donna and ended up staying when the editor left. She took over.

Everything bothered her. You couldn’t put an article in her inbox without “disturbing” her. Augh! I hated that place. The guy squashed every shred of creativity out of me and made me a paranoid nervous wreck. Every day I’d go home crying. I only stayed there a year. I couldn’t take it.

This was during the time when the economy was having a rough time. Graphic design and web design jobs were often being combined into one and I had zero web training. I had several very successful interviews and even a couple second interviews in Boston. Something happened with all of them.

McKay Healthcare had a client they were hiring another designer for but got held up indefinitely with the FDA. They assured me not to worry; it would just be a couple weeks. Several weeks went by and when I checked they said they didn’t know how long it would be held up—could be a year.

The other, NSTAR, a union job working for an energy company needed someone with web experience. They had someone they also liked and had web experience. Elder Hostel loved me and I passed the test they gave me.  They didn’t mind I didn’t have web experience because they were willing the train the right person. The manager was going on vacation for two weeks so she said she’d be in touch when she got back.

As luck would have it, Murphy struck again. While she was away, their web designer gave their two-week notice and now the manager was making her hire someone with web experience as there’d be no one there to teach me. Such a bummer. I was really excited about that job.

FINALLY, I was working through the career center to find a job and get my resume in good order and take some classes. I took the Myers-Briggs Personality test that I thought was a total load of crap. A bunch of stupid multiple-choice questions that supposedly would tell you what kind of personality you had. There are only 16 different personalities.

I found out I’m an ENFP and let me tell you it kind of freaked me out a little bit. It nailed my personality to a ‘T’. Also, it tells you some jobs people with your personality types have been successful in and some to stay away from.

What was even more profound was that it gave me insight as to other personality types and traits they exhibit and I learned why this last job was such a pure hell for me. My personality doesn’t need timelines to get things done, actually, they are often counterproductive. I can multi-task and flip back and forth between more than one project and be working on them all in tandem. Quiet time isn’t needed. Music and or people don’t distract me or prohibit my productivity.

The boss’s princess was the complete opposite. She had to have timelines, schedules, could only do one thing at a time, noises, music, and people were distracting to her. Again I learned so much taking this test about others and myself.

I finally decided that I needed to take a web design course or I was never going to find a job. I found a program at the career center that would pay for me to go back to school if I could prove that I needed to be retrained to get back in the workforce. It was a lot of paperwork but I was determined and when I tell you Murphy struck again, it’s true. The day I was supposed to start my first class, I got a call from a staffing agency, I do think the ONLY staffing agency in the area I hadn’t heard of before and likely the only one I wasn’t registered with.

They found my resume online and had a job they thought I’d be a good fit for, and asked if I could come in the next day for an interview. I said sure—why not check it out?

They sent me to Salem Five (my bank) the next day for an interview. They called me later that day, said they loved me and asked if I could start on Monday! I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to work while in the program of going back to school and of course my caseworker was on vacation and no one could answer me so I accepted the job. I couldn’t imagine them telling me not to work.

It was a 3-month contract job to cover a maternity leave. I was fortunate enough to make a good impression on all the right people and 8 years later here I am.

I started out as the graphic designer and when she came back a role was created for me. Half my job was charitable foundation administrator and the other half was an event planner. I was brought on during a hiring freeze so my salary was low but I loved this company so much, I would have cleaned toilets to stay.

One of my first projects I worked on was an internal newsletter. It had a birthdays and anniversaries section. People were celebrating twenty- and thirty-year anniversaries. In this day and age that is unheard of. It spoke volumes to me about the integrity of the company. The first year I worked there I was nominated for employee of the year! Whoot Whoot. I didn’t win, but to even have been nominated after less than a year, I felt pretty good.

My career has evolved at the bank. I started out as the designer, then charitable foundation manager, event planner, to PR specialist and social media manager. Two years ago I was promoted to Assistant Vice President and I know almost all of our 574 employees. The bank has grown from 18 branches when I got there 8 years ago, to 30.

As much as I’ve had a good run and learned a ton, I will be hanging up my hat and heading to another bank where I have accepted a Marketing Manager Position equivalent to my bosses role at Salem Five. I can’t wait! Looking forward to the new role and spending more time with my kiddo. The hours and pay are much better!

My Life Lessons

What were the major life lessons and wisdom that you gained during your journey over the last 20 years?

Nuggets of wisdom I’ve learned: Mom was right.

Work hard, and be a good person and good things will happen to you.

Everything happens for a reason.

Even if we don’t understand it at the time, I have to believe there is some reason/bigger/grander plan.

Old clichés you hear as kids are true, the older you get the faster it goes! People weren’t kidding about that! Eh, what do the grown-ups know? Clearly a lot more than any kid ever thinks.

Don’t work for husband/wife companies unless you are family. As my co-worker told me, this is a family business and you ain’t family.

It’s not lonely at the top. Screw the asshole who said that (Jody).

The former president at Salem Five shared this golden nugget with me. One day when talking to him about character flaws, he said, “Karen, a person’s biggest flaw is often their greatest attribute.” I will never forget that.

Letter To My High School Self

If you could write your 18-year-old self (or however old you were when you graduated) a letter, and send it back in time, what would you say? What lessons or wisdom did you learn? What encouragement or warnings would you give yourself?

If I could leave advice for my 18-year-old self, I’d say:

#1, Mom taught me, don’t ever do anything to someone you wouldn’t want to be done to you—live by that wisdom and you can’t go wrong.

Treat people the way you want to be treated.

Be yourself—don’t let friends or family define who you are.

Believe in yourself and have confidence. If you aren’t there yet, fake it. Confidence comes with experience—it will come.

Tell the people you care about that you care.

Give someone, anyone, a hug daily.

Tell your family (particularly your children and your parents) that you are proud of them.

Live your life for yourself and no one else. You can’t please others if you aren’t pleased yourself.

The older you get the less time you’ll have for drama and bull. You don’t have to be involved. Don’t let it weigh on you, and just walk away.

Be kind and others will be kind to you.

Appreciate the little things and be true to yourself. At the end of the day, the only one you need to please is yourself.

Smile! It increases your face value.

Lastly, roll with the punches. When life serves you lemons, make lemonade and DON’T, I repeat DON’T, hang around with negative or bad influences. People tend to become what their friends are.

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  In the next post, I will wrap things up with Chapter 13.

Are you from Generation X? I want to hear what you think! Please comment below and participate in the conversation about What They Didn’t Teach Us Gen Xers In High School. What do you wish someone told you when you were eighteen?

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Life After High School: Interview with Karen Marie Chase Today’s interview with Karen Marie Chase is part of my ongoing blog-to-book project: Life After High School: