#anyway ive been trying to give myself little reminders to read night

[shadows-coffeebeans]

[idnek83]

i have decided that both kazuichi and gundham are terrible at seeking medical attention for themselves if they need it. they both think it's no big deal and it'll be fine so they just, like. ignore it. kazuichi breaks his finger in the garage and just keeps working and like 6 days later he tells mikan "hey my finger hurts" and she's like "?!" gundham does the same with animal bites, just washes em off and wraps em in bandages like sir you need stitches. anyway once they get together they never let the other get away with an injury, and will do the most to make sure even the smallest scratch is taken care of

They’re both disasters on their own, but once they start dating they almost become one whole functional person haha

Soda comes home one day and Gundham’s just sitting on the couch reading a book. He goes to cuddle up with him cus he’s tired but then he notices there is blood leaking through Gundham’s arm bandages?? Gundham’s like ‘it’s fine, I just got bit by a stray dog earlier, because she was scared and protecting her puppies’ and Soda’s like ?????? Did you even clean it? When Gundham says he cleaned it with water, Soda drags him to the bathroom where they keep their rubbing alcohol an unbandages it and it’s, just, so much worse than he thought it would be. He does his best to clean it while Gundham insists it’s no big deal and then Soda sends a picture to Mikan and she’s like “Please!! Get stiches!! I’m begging you!! 😭” and Soda’s like “see dumbass?”

They get Hajime to drive them to the hospital (Soda can’t drive cus motion sickness, and he doesn’t want Gundham to drive with a bad arm, even if he insists he’s fine). On the way Hajime is like ‘I’m kind of surprised you’re the one telling Gundham to go to the hospital’ and Soda’s like ‘What’s that supposed to mean? You think I’d just let him suffer? Fuck you.’ and Hajimes like ‘No, but remember that time you broke two of your fingers after dropping an engine on them and didn’t even think about going to the hospital for like a week? And then you only went cus I made you and they were starting to get too swollen for you to do your work?’

Gundham is just like ‘Excuse me? You did what? How could you be so careless! You could have done serious long term damage to yourself!’ and Soda is just really embarrassed and is like ‘Well at least I wasn’t bleeding out like you are!’ 

They get into a little fight about how careless the other one is and Hajime is just rolling his eyes the whole way to the hospital.

Gundham gets stiches and they put him on an iv with antibiotics cus, surprise, the bite is infected. He should be fine but they decide to keep him over night just incase (Soda insists on staying the night too of course). The doctor also makes a point to tell Gundham that he shouldn’t have waited so long to come in, the dog could have had any number of diseases and if the infection had really set in, he could have lost his arm, or worse. 

Once the nurses are done getting Gundham all set up, him and Soda just kind of sit quietly for a while, and their both embarrassed and a little upset. Eventually Soda just reaches out and holds Gundham’s good hand and says ‘I’m sorry I freaked out, but I was just really worried, and I wish you would take better care of yourself, especially since this could have been really serious.’ Gundham is like ‘I’m sorry too, and I promise I’ll try to take better care of myself in the future, but you have to promise to do the same. No more week old broken fingers.’ and they both just smile at each other and Soda stands up so he can lean over and give Gundham a kiss to seal their promise.

After that they get better at treating the more significant wounds they get, but Gundham still needs reminders that he should be sanitizing every scratch or bite he gets from an animal, and Soda still manages to fracture a finger and not really notice for a few days haha 

Hajime and Mikan are just thankful Soda and Gundham don’t have children lol

[perhapsthanatos]

10:32 pm with yuta ♡

nct’s yuta x fem!reader (got inspired by a dream of mine & found the idea really cute)

alternate title: be the james dean to my audrey hepburn

genre: fluff. a pinch of angst. non idol au. badboy!yuta au.

word count: 1400~

playlist: chinatown by wild nothing, lover’s rock by tv girl & work this time by king gizzard and the lizard wizard.

warnings: featuring johnny (not a warning though). smoking cigarettes. cursing. lowercase intended. not proofread.

a/n: hi i was supposed to post a vampire!haechan fic but i really wasnt happy w it in general :( the plot or overall idea of the fic was really good, but i just felt as if i didnt do it justice so here we are :( but ngl, i kind of like this concept more? maybe bc i can see it more vividly? idk, i feel like my writings r getting repetitive & its getting on my nerves lmaoo this is getting long im sorry do u guys even read this part anyway? i would also like to apologize abt the amount of projecting im doing lmao ive been having some rough days & i love my sister but hate being compared to her so often so this is a way for me to rant abt it ig? also so sorry its coming out a little later bc i woke up late today (& procrastinated for the rest of it so here i am posting really late at night) & decided to go to the convenience store to get ice cream (& a ton of other bad shit pls dont do this its rlly unhealthy) for breakfast bc i can :) any who, enjoy lovelies <3

“oh my, y/n! you’ve grown up so well! just like your sister!”

“oh! i’m sorry i’ve almost mistaken you for your sister! y/n is your name, correct?”

“y/n, darling, you are looking so dashing! you really do resemble your sister, don’t you?”

“ah, you must be y/n! i’ve heard all about you and your sister from your father!”

you swear that your reddening cheeks are threatening to fall off any moment now from all the fake smiling. the hundreds of superficial compliments, the insincere flattery and the need for these people to constantly compare you to your godforsaken sister makes you feel even weaker than you are. it gets harder and harder to keep up with a big persona that isn’t at all you. as lucky as you are to live such a lavish lifestyle, you can’t help but hate how your family has to be so perfect. you hate how you have never fit in with them, even if you are so good at faking it. you hate how you have always been stuck in your sister’s shadow, constantly haunted with the reminder that you yourself aren’t good enough. you hate how you now have to entertain the rich and brainless guests at your parent’s gala because she’s gone for some stupid prodigy competition and everyone is only talking about her in front of your face. so what if she’s better the better sister? you still have the right to earn respect, right?

you’re exhausted from all the small talk. your facade gets more brittle by the second under all the pressure. your body feels as if it's gonna give out due to your brain shutting down after all that interacting. you try to keep on going with the night as it unravels itself by being the perfectly poised poster child, trying to make your parents proud. but alive yet almost completely devoid, you decide enough was enough. what if you left right now? no one would notice, would they?

after pulling up your phone discreetly to send a few text messages, you pass through lots of people dressed in gold and finery in a way that wouldn’t have you noticed right away. keep your head down and don’t you dare make eye contact with anyone. nearing the end of the room, grabbing the first glass of whatever alcohol you see and downing it in one gulp, you start walking away as quickly as possible from the ballroom. “ignorant privileged fucks,” you angrily whisper to no one in particular, setting the now empty glass on whatever surface and begin to head to the main exit where no one could spot you running away.

“and what do you think you’re doing here, miss?”

a voice interrupts you, looking up you see that it is your father’s head butler; johnny. he is dressed in a simple black suit that makes him appear taller than he is. his long brown hair is slicked back and his bowtie seems brand new. you have known the man since he started working in your household less than ten years back. you were a reckless child, often trying to find ways to sneak out, finding a way to escape from this life and he sympathized with you. after all, he could barely imagine living your life, never catching a break for yourself and always pretending to be someone you weren’t. he often helped planning when you would sneak out into the night, scheduling things like what time you should leave and what time you should be back, more specifically a time when no one would notice. he would take care of your form of transportation and have your location on at all times, just to be extra safe. as much as he wants you to have fun and have a bit of freedom, he still worries that something might happen to you. because of all this, you two have grown to have a very strong bond. you could confidently say that he is most definitely a parental figure in your life since your parents (and even your sister) are often overseas for work.

“what do you think i’m doing? you think i wanna be in a room with those half-baked bipeds? fuck no!”

“i know, i was just joking. you looked like you were about to explode in there, i wish i could help.” he laughs, pulling out his phone preparing what you might need. “so what will it be for today? the driver? we just need to pay him to keep his mouth shut. a taxi? it’s cheaper than paying the driver, but you still need to pay… not like that’s a problem for you though. maybe an uber would be good enough—“

“actually, i got myself covered. thanks.”

his jaw slightly drops and his eyebrows furrow. he looks straight at you in shock. “what do you mean you got yourself covered?”

you look down at your feet, a nervous habit. “i got myself a ride, you don’t need to help me. i’ll be back as soon as dawn comes.”

he raises his eyebrow. “who’s your ride?”

“doesn’t matter,” you glance down at your phone seeing a notification and wave a goodbye, leaving rather suddenly. “i gotta go, i’ll text you when you need to open the gates!”

“y/n! wait! who’s your ride— and she’s gone.” johnny sighs, watching as you run towards the front gates, tossing your stiletto heels away on the grass while you’re at it. he heads back inside, silently hoping you’ll be fine.

knocking the window of the old black mustang parked outside behind the big bushes, the driver rolls down his window and sends the most charming smile.

yuta in his black beanie, long blonde hair, worn out doc martens, signature leather jacket and black skinny jeans. it almost makes you laugh on how he wears the same thing almost everyday but still manages to look so good.

he is most notable for having a big bad boy reputation and you knew that he was the breath of fresh air you needed in your life. a person who can understand having the pressure of having to be or to fulfill your persona. a person you can completely be yourself around. a person who is full of warmth no matter how cold he may seem on the outside.

“get in, princess.”

and that was all you needed. you tiredly walked to the other door and sat yourself in the car. rolling his window back up, he looks at you. you are wearing a simple yet stunning black dress along with silver jewelry adorned on your neck and wrists. your makeup is perfectly done but still struggles to hide the fog in your eyes. he has the sudden urge to clear them away. he softens at the sight of you. no one is perfect, but he finds you being perfect enough without ever having to dress up.

“where to?” he asks as gently as he could. he knows that you are most vulnerable during these moments and that it is hard to finally break down your walls after a day full of stress, so he doesn’t pry immediately. all he wants to do is to keep you here, safe and away from your burdens and for you to stay comfortable with him, even if it couldn't be for long. but is that too selfish of him to ask? he hates how you hate your life and it is taking every bone in his body to not run away with you. but who is he to tell you what to do or what to change anyway? all he can do for now is try to find a way to make you genuinely smile.

“take me anywhere,” you whisper to the latter. “i just want to be as far from myself and my life as possible. miles away or the nearest convenience store, just take the long way home before dawn.”

you look down at the cup holders, spotting an open cigarette box. you tug one out of the nineteen and light it with the lighter you kept in your pocket. you lean back and close your eyes. he only admires as you bring the cigarette to your lips, exhaling a cloud of smoke afterwards. letting the radio play quietly, he starts the car and begins to drive away from the mansion. he can’t help but wonder how you (an elegant daughter) and him (a bad boy) are millions of worlds apart, but more similar than you think.

© perhapsthanatos (efa)

[badwolf-winchester]

Ancient Bloodlines

Pairing: Loki x Emy Nightstar (OC)

OC Summary: Emy is the newest Avenger. She specializes in Magic and close range attacks/ weapons. Her heritage is unknown to her as she was left at an orphanage door step when she was a young girl with only the memory of her name. She goes by her nickname Emy but has never told anyone her full name as its a reminder of her being abandoned. Emy can see through any illusion and Magic no matter how powerful they are or how strong the magic is and is unaware of this. Her powers include Telekinesis, Elemental Control, True Sight (as stated above) Enhanced healing and Shifting (she wont discover this till much later in the story). She loves to read, listen to music, play violin, sing, and draw.

Story Info: Takes place after infinity wars. Tony and Natasha are alive Steven comes back from the future after giving back the infinity stones. Vision is alive and living with Wanda in the tower. Thor and Loki live in the tower with the rest of the Avengers and for the sake of the story Himedall is alive and living with the rest of the Asgardians on earth in New Asgard (you will find out why later)

One last thing: Please do not repost my work on any other site or social media, however reblogging on here is fine. I work hard on all of my fanfics and it’s disappointing when people take my work as their own. I am the creater of all my OCs such as Sora Nightstar, Emy Nightstar, and Lithium Nightstar. My inbox is open for any and all requests as i am a multi fandom writer. Let me know how you like the story and i will do my best to answer any and all questions. As always i encourage any and all feedback as it helps with my writing. I hope you all like it!

The Beginning

They say that your parents are there to teach you the rules of the world, but what happens when you have no parents? Who will teach you then? The world is cruel but people are crueler. Ive learned this first hand when the person i trusted most in this world left me on the door step of the St. Trinity’s Orphanage. I was 9 when my mother told me she didn’t want me anymore and i guess I couldn’t really blame her. I mean who could love someone who couldn’t control the powers that grew with each passing year. Someone who started fires out of thin air when they had nightmares, conjured whirlwinds when startled, unfurled earthquakes when angered, spring forth rain showers when sad, and levitate objects when riddled with anxiety. I will never forget that day for its seared into my mind like its own person brand echoing with every beat of my heart. A monster thats what she called me, her own flesh and blood was a monster in her eyes, and i could see the relief when she ran from the solid oak door finally rid of the burden she had to put up with throughout the years. An abomination she cried as she reached the cobblestone sidewalk eager to be rid of me and by the pace she was going at i could tell she had more spring in her step than on the walk over from the bus we exited from. Unnatural she bellowed as she disappeared around the corner a ghost of a smile springing from her lips as she disappeared. These where the last words i would ever hear from my mother, if thats what you would call her.

Emy’s POV

Tonight was just like any other. Crisp cold air submerged the city in a blanket of dark and silence while it settled into your bones. I never minded the cold in fact I welcomed it, it reminded me of the cabin i found one year after running away from one of the many abusive foster homes i was forced to stay with. I’ll admit it was one of the times I was able to avoid the social workers for longer than a week and the happiest I had ever been in my life up until i was captured by Hydra. When I had a flair up with my powers, which usually ended up being fire, i would immediately get sent back to St. Trinity’s but this time i ran before they had the chance to toss me aside. The staff there used to place bets on how long i would stay with a family, they would joke saying i was cursed or jinxed but i knew the truth, no one wanted me. Once the parents found out about my abilities I was sent packing. I was labeled as a flight risk and a danger to others which only deepened my anti socialism.

Walking through the streets of New York i pull my dark purple jacket on and my dark brown hair in a pony tail as I get closer to my destination. Because i don’t feel the effects of the cold weather Tony, being such the dad figure he is, has made it his priority to make sure i still wear one just incase so here i was walking home in black ripped up jeans, a black v neck T-shirt, black and purple checkered vans and a light weight dark purple jacket. With my headphones in my ears and “I like it heavy” by Halestorm blasting I make my way to the place i call home, Stark Tower. Walking through the front doors i make my way past the receptionist who always greets me with a bright smile. As I walk towards the elevator I give her a small smile back and a head nod. After entering the elevator and pressing the button for the penthouse I start to reflect on how i got here.

By the time i was 15 Hydra found me in that cabin and took me away. I went from hopping from family to family to being used as a science experiment, constantly being poked and prodded just so they could get a reaction out of me. As a child my powers where very unstable mostly flaring up with my emotions, its no wonder that Hydra caught wind of me its not like i was hiding it very well or more so that i couldn’t hide it. They tried to wipe my memory to gain control of me “a blank slate” is what they wanted, but for some reason, they failed as I wasn’t susceptible to their conditioning methods no matter how much time i spent in the chair. However, I could tell they were scared of me I could see it in their eyes. This didn’t last long though as they used what they called their perfect weapon code name Winter Soldier to beat me into submission. After that first meeting that left me with a broken arm and a fractured ankle i started to obey, since then Ive met the Soldier a couple of times but if he remembers me he dosent let on and I dont blame him, he has been in that chair so many times Im genuinely surprised he can even remember how to walk. He is stronger than the others as most of the other test subjects had turned to vegetables after the 4th mind wipe, he was on his 10th the last time i saw him with Hydra.

Another test was done on me and this one was different. They used a teseract? If thats what they called it I can’t be sure nor did I care all I could feel was pain like as if someone injected lava in my veins. After they injected me I started screaming after a while I couldn’t even hear myself anymore, my throat was so sore and horse from the constant roar of my agony I just wanted it to end. How long was I out for? Seconds? Minutes? Hours? Days? Years? They didn’t keep clocks there or at least not in the dungeon like cell they had me in. When the fire faded i was left with this numbness and after further tests I realized that I was immune to fire. I can literally stick my hand in fire and i will be left untouched and unscorched. They did the same test with freezing temperatures to see if they could subdue me at least in some way. I must have been out longer than just a couple of days as during the tests i didn’t recognize any of the Doctors. In that moment I realized something, if they were trying to contain me then something must have happened to the soldier. It was time to plan my escape.

Back in my cell i could hear footsteps approaching me and then stop short. One of the scientists frantically trying to talk some sense into someone just out of my line of sight. “She is immune to anything we throw at her sir. We have done every test we could there is nothing left for us to do.” One of the goons in a lab coat stated to what i assumed is a higher up. “Bolden If her powers keep growing at the rate they are it could be days in which she will be unstoppable and with the soldier gone we dont have anything that can keep her in line. She broke Mandy and Rays arms the last time we tested her. She is getting too strong.” Brining a hand up to his chin the higher up Bolden stepped out of the shadows and looked at me with deep interest before he turned to looked at the man and scoffed. As he walked away i felt a cold chill ran down my back as I anticipated what was to become of me; I knew it was nothing good i had already broken their rules. His next words only confirmed what I feared. “ Its simple. Break her spirit or kill her Doctor. And when i say break her i mean in anyway means necessary.” His sadistic laugh is the last thing i remember before everything went black.

Its been 2 years since i have escaped and now I’m living in the avengers tower. I don’t remember what happened after that night in my cell its all a blur of red, screams, and gunshots. When i woke up next i was in a 6ft crater where I was being held captive without a scratch on me. Trees were uprooted and fallen over as if a bomb went off. Luckily the Avengers showed up not long after me waking up and took me to their base where i met Directer Fury. With his permission and 24/7 surveillance provided by Tony Stark via FRIDAY and training sessions to get my powers under control i was allowed to join the Avengers and fight for good. Little did i know that by agreeing to this I would end up in the path of a certain God or Gods who were also taking residence at the tower.

With the sound of a *ding* the elevator shook me out of my mind and back to the present. As i exited the elevator I pulled my head phones out of my ears and was instantly met with the sound of Tony losing his mind. “Where did she go? She knows she can’t be out this late. She could be taken again! Its 5 minutes past her curfew!” Rolling my eyes I roll my headphones up and shove them in my pocket and round the corner. “Tony it takes 5 minutes to get from the lobby to the penthouse calm down. I bet she will walk through that door anytime now.” Came the sweet voice of reason of none other than Pepper Potts. “I’m Home.” I said in a deadpan voice as i walked by the couple only for Tony to stand up and intercept me by placing a hand on my upper arm. “Where did you go and why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?” I looked at him and raised an eyebrow pushing his hand off me. “Tony its Wednesday. I have training with Strange on Wednesdays and I had Friday alert you as I was leaving but you were in the lab with Bruce.” Not sure what to say next Tony mumbled a small apology. “Sorry I was just worried about you. I know you are grown enough to make your own choices as you are 25 but I just want to make sure you are safe. How was the training with The Wizard?” Sighing and shaking my head just wanting to go the library and read I decided to just let it go. “Strange is a hard ass that much you already know. It wasnt bad actually I think I’m warming up to him. I didn’t spontaneously throw him to the wall when he snuck up behind me as i was going over the ancient texts so i call that improvement.” I said sheepishly while side stepping around him. “I’m gonna go to the library now and grab some light reading before bed you guys have a good night.” With out waiting for a response I quickly made my way towards my new destination only to have Tony saying something about guests in the house but I ignored him.

Pushing open the library door I make my way to the poetry section to grab my usual copy of Edgar Allen Poe that I read before bed. As my had reached for the spot i knew i put the book in i find that its not there. “Wait what? Where is my book? I know I put it back here before I left for training so where did it go?” Frustrated I stomp back over to the entrance and rip open the door ready to go on a murder spree while shouting down the hallway. “CLINT! You better give me back my night time book or I’m breaking all your arrows again! No one reads in this tower but me! How stupid do you think I am!?” Straining my ears I listen for any type of movement but was met with dead silence. After a minute I finally hear movement through the vents coming from the west part of the tower and I take off sprinting. Sliding around a corner I barely miss colliding with Steve and Bucky who look like they were on their way back from a mission. Offering a quick apology before I continue my pursuit I hear Steve yell “Hey! No running in the tower!” Not faltering in my hot pursuit of the Hawk thief I continue to zip through the tower ignoring the Captains words until i was almost to the vent that lead to the 2 level family room. Using the railing for the steps leading down to the family area to give me more height i jumped as close to the vent as possible and conjured my signature Scythe to slice through it while twisting in the air kicking the vent free and off its track. A shocked and terrified scream resonates from the vent as the culprit falls to the ground with a thud and a grunt. I landed in a crouched position and slowly straightened to my full hight. “What the hell Emy?! When did you learn to do that?!” Clint yells as he sits up rubbing his left shoulder that he landed on. I started stalking towards him with the blade of my scythe scrapping across the ground as i went while giving him a death glare. “Give me back my book Barton.” At the mention of his last name his head snapped up to me fear replacing the pain from his fall. “Oh shit last name not good.” Scrambling up on his feet he turns and runs towards the common room that connects to the elevator with me hot on his tail and my scythe trailing behind me in my right hand.

“Shit shit shit shit shit shit SHIT!!” He yells as he makes it fully to the room only to fling forward as i jump and kick his back tired of all the running. Twirling my weapon around I place it at his neck sneering at him. “I will not ask you again.” I said placing pressure on his neck with my blade. Sensing a fast moving object coming from my left from the kitchen I move my head back 3 inches as what looked like a hammer flew by me embedding itself in the wall. Turning my head slowly in the direction of the flying object, I confirmed it was indeed a hammer that was thrown at me. Irritation flared through me as i released Clint from the end of my scythe and turned fully to the kitchen to face my attacker. There stood 2 men that i did not recognize, one tall oak of a man with blond short hair, blue eyes and tan skin in blue jeans, a red T-shirt ,and grey jacket. the other shorter man made me stare at him and faultier for a second as he was so different from anyone i have ever seen, dark blue skin covered his entire body with darker almost black symbols and piercing red eyes, long black hair with black jeans, a green dress shirt and black jacket. Tearing my gaze away from his own curious one i looked between both men before i clenched my jaw letting my irritation settle back in. “Which one of you threw that hammer.” I said venom dripping with every word. “Whoa its ok Emy thats just Thor and Loki they are the asgardian Gods that live here in the tower part time when they are not in Norway.” Clint said standing up quickly. Not moving from my position i narrowed my eyes and flicked them over in Clint’s direction. The ground started to shake as my irritation and annoyance grew to anger remembering what i was doing before being interrupted by the Gods. Throwing his hands up in surrender he then quickly reached into his back pocket and retrieved my book. “Ok ok dont blow a fuse Em.” He said while tossing me my possession stopping me from causing an earthquake. Catching it in the air with my left had I inspected the book to make sure it wasn’t damaged before I let go of my scythe, with a wave of my hand it disappeared back to the pocket dimension I keep it in then looked back at Clint as the tremors stopped. “Touch my things again and i will be wearing your guts like my mom’s pashmina.” I said to the thief before walking out of the room and disappeared down the hallway not giving the Gods a second glance. As I entered my room i could hear a silky voice ring out from the kitchen. “Well isnt she interesting.”

Part 2 coming soon

@nickkie1129

[haruno-sakura-san]

Can't remember if I posted this before, but I was reading through my notes on my phone and found it. Either way, enjoy this playful one shot with Sakura and a mystery man!

🌸❓

"Rough day?" A man who slid into the seat next to Sakura at the bar asked. "None of your business." She snubbed him. "It's been a while since ive seen a leaf nin drink like that," he observed unprompted. She mentally noted that she wasn't wearing her heite. He was either assuming from her gear or he recognized her. "I'm off duty." "I would hope so." Her gaze cut back over to him. A hood and tinted glasses obscured any identify features, but even so he looked incredibly mundane. In her line of work, that was also incredibly dangerous. "Listen, you seem like a nice guy-" "That assumptions a bit premature." "But I'm not here to meet anyone so if you don't mind-" "Actually I do." She glared at him for a long moment, not wanting to be interrupted again. "See, I'm waiting for someone myself." He offered finally. "You don't say" her tone thick with disinterest. "But I'm beginning to think I've been stood up." He sounded more amused than put out. She wondered if it was some kind of pickup strategy to get her to feel bad. "I can't imagine why." She said in the same flat tone. "My thoughts exactly."

Sakura made a sharp sound of disapproval. "My deepest sympathies. I don't see how this has anything to do with me." "Well, it really doesnt, on the surface. But you see, here I was feeling sorry for myself when I see you stomping in here, looking like you've just dragged yourself through a pigsty-" "It was a river bed." "Oh thank you- a river bed. Possibly the sorriest sight I've seen all day - not that I would normally say such a thing to a lady. I'm sure you look at least pleasant under normal circumstances." "Does this story have a point?" Feeling her anger swell at his commentary. "Of course, I just thought it might be nice to commiserate together - one passing stranger to another." She hates the cocky way he inclines his head, gesturing between them with his glass. "No, thanks." "Oh come on - why else come to a bar?" "For a drink - unbothered." "If that were the case, then I'd think the liquor store down the street would have done the job." "And what, have a few drinks at the store front? They have laws against that, you know." "You dont have a hotel room to drink in?" "Of course not" "Interesting." He purred. She realized she said too much. "So your plan was to get tipsy and then travel back to konoha or wherever your headed, seemingly alone, in the middle of the night." "I don't have to explain myself to you." "No, I think I've got a good handle on the situation without any explanation. Where are your teammates anyway? Isn't there someone around to keep you from making dangerous decisions like this. A captain maybe or a boyfriend?" Sakura slams her glass down against the wood of the bar. "For your information, I can more than take care of myself. I have an extremely high alcohol tolerance. And I've had too long a day for a pretty boy like you to be picking at me when all I want to do is have a drink in the peaceful Haven that is my own mind. So shut your trap. Am I clear?" "No, I have several questions." She snarls and begins to crack her nuckles in preparation to put this idiot though a wall when the bar tender yells, "No fighting in my bar! Take it outside if you want to act like animals." She settles back into her seat. "Sorry, sir. No need for that. This poser isn't worth the energy," she grumbles under her breath. "Lets backtrack to pretty boy. That had a nicer ring to it." Clenching her jaw, she takes a deep breath, exhales and takes a long drag on her drink. "So are you going to tell me the river bed story, Pocahontas?" "If I do, will you leave me alone?" "It certainly won't hurt your chances" She huffs. "Fine. I got caught in a fishing net." There was a beat of silence. "And?" She gave him a long-suffering look. "And was dragged behind a fishing boat." His eyebrows rose. "And how did that happen?" "I was pushing the boat. It was beached on a shallow part of the river." "Pushing it?" "Yeah." "Remind me to tip that bartender for not letting you deck me into next week." She smirked into her drink. Damn straight. "So when the boat broke free these fishermen did what? Cast their nets right done on top of you?" "Yup. I had to cut myself free and everything." "No good deed goes unpunished I guess." "Technically it wasn't a good deed, they were paying me to help." "That's even worse. And no one noticed you were missing onboard?" "Well, they wouldn't let me on the boat in the first place -" "Why not?" "It's bad luck." "Bad luck?" "To have a woman on board." "Wait a moment. So before the ship got stuck in the first place, while it was sailing, where were you? Nearby on the shore?" "No. I was running alongside them in the water." He laughed outright. "Running alongside them. That's too good. They didn't even give you rowboat." Her face flushed. She hadn't thought to ask for a row boat. "They were absolute assholes. Usually I can take quite a bit of crap from a client, but when he told me to pay for the net." "Pay for the net!" "And the lost profits for the day" "Ha!" "I told him just where he could shove his

lost profits and came to the nearest bar. I feel a little less sorry for myself now. Glad I could help. Now leave me be." "You don't want to hear my story?" "Not part of the deal. Now scram." He pouted, cheek resting on his hand. "But we were getting along so well." "You have a very twisted sense of relationships if you think that was getting along well." "I cannot argue with that." She didn't know if it was the alcohol or the bickering, but she was finally feeling a little unwound. Studying his profile for a moment, she thought it must definitely be the alcohol. "If you're going to stare, i might as well tell you my story." Definitely the alcohol. "I wasn't staring." She huffed, turning sharply away "Would admiring be more accurate?" "Do you ever shut up?" "For the majority of the time yes I do. It's quite liberating to go on and on like this. Strangers make some of the best conversation. You don't have to hold back because they will never see you again, probably not even remember speaking." She hated that he was right. She also hated that she couldn't see his eyes, instead watching his lips move. Kami must hate her because he had rather nice lips. "You're admiring again." They said. "Staring," she corrected. "Staring then." He said in a low voice, leaning in slightly. "Tell me your story." She said, trying to break the moment by divert this exchange to something hopefully safer for her psychy. Those damn lips curlled up in a feline grin. "Of course, my little mud pie." "Don't push it." She snapped, "You were meeting someone." "Yes, I've been seeing them for some time now. We are both wonderers so we meet about once a month. " "How long is some time now?" "Hmm, about ten years maybe." "And you guys haven't made it official yet?" "Well, it's complicated. They are a little old for me, and I'm not sure what society would think." She got the feeling he was making fun of her, but didn't get the joke. "They've never once been late or missed a meeting. I'm a little worried you see." For the first time since meeting the guy, Sakura felt a little bad for him. "Plus theyve got hands and eyes that wander a bit too much for my liking." "Sounds like they finally got bored and left." She commented. "Well. Even so, the meetings were as much about business as pleasure." "And just what kind of business are you in exactly?" "I'd say we were in the same field." She scoffs, looking him up and down again, not able to make out anything helpful from his form from under his travelling cloak to back up his claim about being a Shinobi. It was convenient line for civilian men who hit on kunoichi, so she rolled her eyes. "Sure you are." "Don't believe me?" "I believe you'd say just about anything to get on my good side."

"Hmm," his lips curled in that feline way, "And I thought leaf nin we're very skilled at seeing underneath the underneath." She froze, recognizing her sensei's phrase. "Who exactly did you say you were meeting again?" "I didn't." She slowly turned toward him, hand sliding to her thigh pouch under the bar, but it was too late. Here eyes were locked on his red, glowing gaze, pin wheels spinning. She felt her consciousness being torn from her body and into the inky black of his sharingan.

🌸❓

Quite sure this was supposed to be Itachi but it's quite OOC for him. So I'll leave it to you reader to fill in who it is. I guess I like Shisui for it myself but don't limit yourself haha.

[cuddlepilefics]

Lullaby and good night

Fandom: Stray Kids

Sickie/Little: Minho

Caregiver: Jisung

 Minho’s POV.:

Our next comeback was approaching and 3racha had only finished up in the studio very recently. Now that all their tracks had been finished, it was the dance-line’s task to come up with choreographies. Being the oldest member of the dance-line, I felt a sense of responsibility, so I pretty much took the lead and spent most of my time in the practice room. In my free time, which was mostly at night, I went to the studio to practice my vocals. I knew I had to improve my singing, I read all the comments online, saying the only reason I was in the group was for my visuals. As much as it honored me that Stay found me handsome, as much did it hurt to hear I was good for nothing. Some nights I skipped entirely, not going back to the dorm at all and meeting up with my members for practice the next morning. Often it took a stern conversation with Chan-hyung to drag me back and get some rest. Couldn’t he see that I needed more time to practice? That I needed to work more to make up for the talent I was lacking? I hadn’t gone home after practice last night, instead dancing for another three hours before dragging my sore body to the studio to go over some of the new songs. I hoped with enough practice I’d get my lines down to perfection. It weren’t many anyways.

The next morning, I met up with Hyunjin and Felix to work on our choreos. The young Aussie was having a tough time, often messing up and being on edge the entire time. I saw his hands shaking every time he lost a step and his brows were furrowed as though he had a headache. Being a little myself, it didn’t take long for me to put two and two together. The poor boy was trying so hard not to slip but the stress was slowly getting to him. He wasn’t even there for a full hour before I decided to be a good hyung and send him home. It took a while for Felix to accept my decision, he didn’t want to hold us back and be a burden and I knew exactly how he felt but after quite some pushing from Hyunjin and me and a call to Chan, the dance-line maknae let the leader collect him from the practice room. From that on, it was only Hyunjin and me. We hadn’t even danced for that long but we were both drenched in sweat. My limbs ached and my protested with every movement. I doubted my dongsaeng felt any different but he put on a battle-face and soldiered on. Hyunjin really was something, though sensitive most of the time, when it came to dancing, he was pure professionalism. Not once did he complain about me torturing both of us with endless reruns of the same sequence. It was easy to work with him and seeing him be strong and push his exhaustion and pain away, gave me the strength to do the same.

We cut our lunch break short. Hyunjin gave me a proteinbar from his bag because I had eaten my last for dinner last night. I’d have to go back to the dorm soon to refill the snack-department of my practice bag. The break was just long enough to catch our breaths and force down a proteinbar and some water. Sure, it wasn’t a full meal but if we ate too much, the sharp movements would make us queasy. My eyes were burning and my head ached but on second thought, everything ached, so all I could do was suck it up and hope we’d finish soon. I was really craving a shower and my bed at this point. We had only resumed dancing for a few minutes, when my eyes were starting to bother me, well, bother me more than before. The bright overhead lights seamed distorted, casting strange shapes. I really shouldn’t wear my contacts for days on end. Blinking rapidly, I tried to clear my vision from the shimmering distortions before looking over at Hyunjin, squinting in an attempt to see him clearly. I’ve probably been staring at him for too long because he gave me a questioning look. The room suddenly shifted sideways before everything went black.

When I came to again, the first thing I heard was a loud howling noise quickly changing in pitch. It was too loud, my head was pounding and the noise didn’t help with that at all. Why couldn’t it just be quiet? I wanted to sleep. There were broken and half-suppressed sobs somewhere close. But where? It sounded a lot like Hyunjin. Trying to open my eyes, I failed as my eyelids seemed to be glued shut. There was a pressure around my hand, which seemed to come from the same direction as the sobs. Finally managing to blink my eyes open, I quickly closed them again and groaned as I hadn’t expected it too be so bright. I felt my hand being squeezed and I gave a weak squeeze back. There was also a voice that I didn’t recognize, words blurring together incomprehensible. Just wanting to sleep, I decided to ignore the voice and kept my eyes closed. It was too bright to open them anyways. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t go back to sleep. As soon as I became aware of the moist stickiness, with which my pants clung to me, it was too uncomfortable to get another minute of rest.

Through all the commotion, I kept my eyes closed. Why wouldn’t they stop bothering me? Is it too much to ask to just be allowed some rest? There were hands on me and my bed was shaking. I tried swatting the hands away but I wasn’t strong enough. My clothes were pulled on and suddenly I felt cold. Was I naked? My breathing quickened as I felt helpless and violated. All I had wanted to do was sleep off the pounding headache behind my temples. Oh thanks, someone had put a blanket on me. The commotion was slowly dying down and I dared opening my eyes again, though only a crack. The reassuring hand in mine had disappeared for a while but now I could feel it again. Looking over, I was faced with a tearstained Hyunjin. “H-Hey, you’re awake, hyung”, he smiled shakily. Trying to speak, I head to clear my throat a few times before I was able to get a sound out: “J-Jinnie? Wha’ happened? People were touching me, my head hurts.” – “It’s ok, hyung. They were only helping”, Hyunjin promised before breaking into tears again, “We were dancing together when you kept staring at me. I asked you a few times what was wrong but – but-…” – “Jinnie?”, rasped, squeezing his hand like he had done to me before. My dongsaeng just continued to choke on sobs, clearly terrified of something. But what?

I wanted to reassure him but how could I when I didn’t even know what happened? I was still so unbelievably tired but I couldn’t go to sleep, knowing my dongsaeng was crying next to me. The door opened and in piled my friends. Chan sat down on the bed next to my, taking my hand into his, while Changbin pulled Hyunjin out of the chair and into his arms. “Hyung?”, I looked at him with pleading eyes. The oldest sighed, studying my face: “You don’t remember what happened, do you Min?” I shook my head a bit, waiting for an explanation. “Hyunjin called us because you suddenly collapsed and had a seizure. He called an ambulance, which took both of you here, we followed”, the leader explained calmly but in his eyes I could see he was anything but calm. I had heard anything clearly but for some reason I couldn’t comprehend his words. They made no sense to me. Why would I have a seizure? I never had one before. My hyung must have sensed my confusion because he added: “The doctor said it might have been caused by sleep deprivation but they couldn’t confirm it yet because no one knew how much or rather little sleep you had gotten recently. To me it sounds likely because there were too many nights you didn’t come back at all.” Refusing to meet Chan’s eyes, I stared at the blanket in my lap, which seemed to confirm his suspicions. “I don’t think I have to tell you that you should have taken better care of yourself. You’re one of the oldest here and I know I haven’t been the greatest role-model but not even I have ever taken it to that extreme”, He frowned disappointed. Fighting tears back, I tried to explain myself: “It’s just, all those comments online, reminding me of my lack of talent. I just wanted to improve myself for Stay.” Great, with that confession I have earned myself another round of ‘Why we are not supposed to read comments on social media’, but I knew they meant well giving me a talk.

Another hour, many compliments for my skills and hugs from everyone later, most members went home, promising that one or two of them would come back later to bring me a bag with some clothes and my toothbrush. Much to my dismay, I learned that I’d have to stay at least one night for observation. Chan and Jisung stayed after everyone else left. I was grateful for their presence because I still needed to come to terms with what had happened. I had talked to a doctor, who had explained my situation again. It gave me hope because he said it might never happen again if I make sure to take good care of my body. His words were very inspirational to me: ‘Rest is a right, not a reward.’ I will probably make a poster of this and hang it in the 3racha studio, so others could also benefit from this man’s wise words.

No one’s POV.:

Chan and Jisung stayed to keep Minho company. The dancer kept a cool exterior to reassure his friends but the two knew he was really shaken-up inside. The trio continued talking, about everything and anything, trying to distract themselves and the mood in the room was considerably light. Until a nurse came in, that is. She wanted to give the dancer an IV, which would also be useful for administering medication for the pain. The atmosphere turned sour and Minho squirmed uncomfortably. He hated needles. Jisung quickly took his hand, trying to calm the older down. The nurse gave them a sympathetic smile as she had seen the same scene multiple times. Her promises, it would only be a tiny pinch and it would be over before Minho knew it, fell on deaf ears. When she took another step closer, needle in hand, the dancer couldn’t take it anymore. He screamed, trying to pull away from Jisung, who was holding onto his wrist. Then, as if a switch was flicked, he crawled back to the rapper, clutching his shirt. “Jiji, nuh let Min huwt!”, he sobbed, his breaths coming in short strained puffs. The nurse quickly put the needle down out of sight, taking a few steps back to give them space. Chan and Jisung had both paled immediately after noticing how Minho had slipped. They were terrified of it happening with a stranger in the room, afraid the little would be treated with disgust. Jisung was quick to sit on the edge of the bed, an arm wrapped around the dancer as he whispered soothing nothings and tried to help the other to slow his breathing down. At the same time, Chan studied the nurse, hoping for any clue on how she thought about little space.

A few minutes later, Jisung had finally managed to talk the little down and the nurse considered it safe to approach them again, without a needle this time. “Hey sweetie, can you tell me how old you feel right now?”, she cooed, crouching in front of the pair. All she got was a whimper from Minho, who pressed himself closer to Jisung, and the stunned looks of Chan and Jisung. She smiled at their confusion: “Regressing in age is a not too uncommon coping mechanism. People only thing it’s uncommon because everyone’s ashamed of talking about it. What’s bad about creating a safe space for oneself? It’s harmless, unlike taking drugs or self-harming as an outlet.” She wasn’t wrong there and her acceptance helped Minho build the courage to meet her eyes. When they were going to give the IV another try, Chan silently disappeared out of the room to call the members at the dorm, asking them to also pack Minho’s beloved cat plushie and a pacifier.

“Min, I’d need to give you some medicine but to be able to do that, I’ll have to put a small tube into the back of your hand”, she tried carefully. The little’s eyes went wide and he shook his head furiously. Jisung rubbed his back, hoping to be able to convince him: “Kitten, I know you’re scared. Hyung knows. But don’t you feel icky?” Minho sniffled and touched his head, whimpering a pitiful: “Ouchie.” – “I know, bubba. She’s going to help with that, if you let her. You trust Jiji-hyungie, right? I wouldn’t let anyone do anything that’s bad for you”, the rapper promised, “You’re my brave boy, aren’t you?” Minho whined loudly, he knew Jisung was right but he hated it. “Usually when we have to give a child an injection or IV, we let them sit on their parents lap”, the nurse mused. Jisung didn’t have to be told twice to kick of his shoes and sit down on the bed properly. He pulled the little onto his lap, who quickly buried his face against the rapper’s neck. Taking a few deep breaths and inhaling the caregiver’s soothing scent, Minho held out his right hand, stretching it far away from his body. “You’re so brave, kitten. Hyung’s really proud of you”, Jisung praised. The nurse wasted no time, afraid the little’s burst of confidence would be over before she’d have the needle in. It was really only a small prick and Minho didn’t even have the time to cry out before it was over. Quickly wrapping a few layers of bandage around the dancer’s hand to make sure he wouldn’t accidentally pull the needle out, she stepped back and smiled. She walked over to a cabinet and pulled out a small piece of paper, chuckling: “A brave boy like you totally deserves some stickers.” – “Stickers!!!”, the little squealed, accepting the sheet and studying it. Jisung grinned, glad the fuss was over, and reminded: “What do we say, Min?” – “Tank chuuu!”, the dancer giggled. With a satisfied smile, the nurse connected the bag of fluids and painkillers before leaving the room.

Chan returned and listened to Minho boast about his knew stickers, while they waited for their friends to arrive with the dancer’s necessities. “Hyung, I’m going to stay here with him tonight”, Jisung announced, still sitting on the bed with the little on his lap. The leader nodded, he had already expected this given the rapper was Minho’s main caregiver and the two were extremely close. They kept playing around for a while, the dancer giggling happily, IV already forgotten, till there was a knock on the door. In came Changbin and Seungmin their worried faces brightening at the sight of the happy little on Jisung’s lap. Their worry had doubled when Chan told them Minho had slipped but it now melted away completely. “Hey there, little one”, Seungmin laughed, walking over and ruffling the dancer’s hair, “You gave your Jinnie-hyung quite a scare”, noticing the little’s frown, he was quick to add, “Don’t worry Jinnie’s fine.” – “Look we brought Soori”, Changbin distracted, pulling the plushie from the bag and handing it over. Cuddling the stuffed cat close to his chest, Minho looked up with sparkling eyes and mumbled: “Tank chu, Binnie-hyung.”

Changbin and Seungmin took Chan back home with them after saying good bye to Minho and Jisung. The rapper gently helped the little to change out of the hospital into his own clothes, making sure to pull the bottle and tubing through the sleeve first and guiding Minho’s hand, so he wouldn’t mess with the IV. The energy and excitement, that had fueled the dancer while the other members were present, soon ebbed away and the exhaustion that had brought him into the current situation caught up to him. “Is there someone sleepy?”, Jisung cooed, running a hand through the little’s hair. Minho gave a small nod, yawning widely while he rubbed a fist against his eye: “Wan’ cuddle Jiji.” – “Okay baby, scoot over a bit”, the rapper requested, climbing under the blanket too, “Here, hold on to Soori, she wants cuddles too.” Clutching the plushie, the little snuggled up against his caregiver, who pulled a paci from the bag and slipped it between the little’s lips. “Go to sleep, kitten. Hyungie will sing for you, ok?”, Jisung hummed, he was hoping Minho would be able to catch up on the sleep he was lacking, “Good night, little one.”

[magicalthoughtsendinterriblefics]

Fangirl, Interrupted - Becca’s Saturday

Summary: Have you ever felt like you’re too far up your fandoms that you’re not really living your real life? Well, that. But more.

Word Count: 1,817

Pairings: Dean x reader, Sherlock x reader

Warnings: You’re not gonna like it. Sudden fandom changes, bit of smut which is not really smutty, lazy writing, suicidal attempt, usage of drugs and alcohol, OOC scenes. 

Original A/N: Because of who I am, I like to exaggerate everything. With that being said, let me tell you that this is how I felt for many years, with multiple fandoms. I have lived a tortous life, therefore I was always seeking to live somewhere else. Almost all of my childhood and teenage years were an on-going loop between my fake life inside my fandoms and my real life. I barely remember anything now outside that make-pretend life I created for myself.  Now I am living my life, in a way that I can no longer hide inside that fake life. Call it what you want. Anxiety is coming back to me, fyi, and I tried to hide there but I just can’t. This is my way of expressing it. The Girl, Interrupted theme is because I watched it yesterday after performing Lisa’s monologue at my acting class - a way of giving therapy to myself through art. Anyway, I hope you don’t read this fic. I didn’t like it at all, but I feel the need, nonetheless, to share it somewhere. To have evidence that I went through that. Probably, someone out there has too. Idk.

New A/N: I wrote this MONTHS ago, long before I got diagnosed, and I got scared of posting it because it could be too depressing. But I hate leaving drafts all alone so here goes nothing.

Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought you were moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy… Maybe it was loneliness…

“Put her in restraints!” A woman yelled. “Withdraw blood… Give her five milligrams of Valium, IV”

“Turn her head so she doesn’t aspirate,” another woman advised. I felt my head being turned by a pair of terribly warm hands.

I was attacked. I had been attacked.

“You should check my hand. There’s no bones in it anymore…”

“What were you thinking?” The first woman asked.

“I was trying to save the world…” I replied, “Don’t worry, you’ll thank me later.”

Sometimes it’s hard for me to stay in one place.

“Hey,” I opened my eyes at the familiar voice. The image at first was blurry, but I could recognize the colors of their flannel shirts. My back was killing me, and my arms felt numb. “(Y/N) are you okay?”

“Yo, sweetheart! Wake up!” A rough voice called out. I could see his red flannel.

Red flannel. Dean was wearing a red flannel, and Sam had the green one. That could only mean one thing…

I looked down at my own clothes, I was wearing a brown flannel.

I smiled childishly, and my vision finally cleared. Both men were staring at me, worried. “I’m home,” is all I could say.

Dean sighed and rolled his eyes, Sam smiled back at me.

“Yes, you are,” he said, “you’re home with us. Where else would you be?”

“At a hospital or some shit,” I replied.

“We don’t do no hospitals, sweetheart,” Dean reminded me from afar.

“Did we get him? The djinn?” I inquired, with wide eyes.

“Yup,” Sam nodded.

Dean appeared back again, handing me a cold beer. It was closed. Sam took my hand and guided it to my forehead, so I could press the bottle to my forehead. I was probably wounded there too.

“We Jafar-ed the shit out of him,” Dean snorted. Sam inhaled profoundly, as an attempt to not slap his brother. “I Jas-min that we almost didn’t make it…” Dean continued, “but enough Abu me,” he giggled, “how was your daydream, sweetheart? Where’d Iago?”

“Please, stop,” Sam begged. Dean tried to argue but Sam was already looking back at me. “But do tell us where did you go?”

“I…”

“Where did you go?”

“(Y/N)” a strong light blinded me for a second. I suddenly felt something in my eyes, pulling them open. “(Y/N), we’re calling you!” The voice chanted. “Hello, Earth requires Ms (Y/N)...”

“Wha-what?” I stuttered, pulling away from the light.

The scenery had changed. I was no longer at a motel room with awful wallpaper, but instead at a very nice living room, though the wallpaper was still awful.

“Are you okay?” The man that had been calling my name asked. He kneeled in front of me.

“Are you real?” I tilted my head to the side, and he smiled tenderly.

“As real as your nose,” he said and booped my nose. His touch was soft and warm.

“What happened?”

“You fainted,” another voice answered. I looked back, only to see the familiar figure of Sherlock sitting on his desk, typing furiously on his computer. “I told you not to get too close to the evidence, but did you listen? No, why?” He gazed back, “Because ‘oh Sherlock, don’t be so stern, it’s just a flower bouquet!’ but I was right, as usual.”

“Let her breath,” Watson commanded. “We both smelled it too and nothing bad happened.”

“Yes, but so did the police officers… All male, I must remind you” Sherlock snapped. “The flowers were sent to a woman who, where is she now? Oh, yes, DEAD!”

“I don’t get it,” I interfered.

“I suspect the flowers are poisoned with some sort of chemical that only affects women, by reacting to their production of hormones.” Sherlock informed me.

“Right… And what does that have to do with your intoxication?” The female voice asked again.

I suddenly snapped back to the hospital. I was laying in a hospital bed, with lots of tubles connected to me. There was a woman in white, sitting by my side with a notepad on her lap.

“Well, obviously I’ve been affected… It’s the flowers, you see…” I spoke.

“Flowers? What flowers?” The nurse, she was a nurse, asked again.

“The poisoned flowers!”

“Do you see them now?” She inquired.

“Of course not!”

“No?”

The djinn stood behind her. “Say no,” he said with an ominous voice.

“No,” I obeyed.

The nurse looked behind her and the djinn disappeared instantly. “Are you seeing anything out of the ordinary at the moment?”

“No, why would I? I’m not crazy,”

“At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if you were…” Dean sighed. He was sitting by my side, in bed, and was connecting his phone to the charger. “I am a little crazy too, you know?”

“Oh, yeah?” I trembled.

“Yeah,” he muttered and finally let go off his phone. He turned to look at me for a second before cuddling me. I was the small spoon, he was shirtless. “I’m crazy about you.”

“Smooth,” I replied sheepishly. I could feel the ghost of his arms around me… Ghost, because I couldn’t really feel him. He was hot, yet cold as if air was blowing over my skin.

“Are you okay?” Dean asked.

“I am.”

I wasn’t. I’m not okay.

“Good night, sweetheart,” he whispered and pecked my shoulder. Again, I felt it but not quite.

“Dean?”

“Huh?” I closed my eyes, not wanting to see what would happen after I said what I wnated to say.

“I feel like I’m still inside the djinn’s daydream,” I confessed.

Dean sat up and fixed a lose strand of hair that was falling over my eyes.

“You’re not inside a djinn’s daydream…” He said, calmly.

“How can you tell?” I asked, still not opening my eyes.

“Because djinns don’t exist, that’s why,” he said.

I finally opened my eyes. Black locks and blue eyes were all I could see for a moment.

“Djinns are mythological, and that is all…” Sherlock continued. I could hear his voice turning from Dean’s to his own. “I understand that maybe the toxins from the flowers could affect your perception of life, but there is nothing to fear. The effects will pass and you’ll be good as new.”

“I don’t feel good as new.”

“Clearly,” he grunted.

Noticing my state, he decided to go a little further from his usual behaviour. He pressed his head to my arm… I was still laying on my side, as if I was still being the small spoon.

“I will be here, by your side, as long as you let me.”

My heart fluttered, but not in love but rather in pain.

“I can’t control that.”

“The pills are having a positive effect on her now, we can get her to be conscious for a bit longer than before…” I heard a voice coming from the hall.

“What is that?” I asked. Sherlock tilted his head.

“What?” He furrowed, “I don’t hear anything.”

“Well, I do.”

I got up from bed and opened the door. At the other side of it was a hospital hall rather than Sherlock’s. All white, with blinding white lights. The nurse was talking to what I assumed was a doctor.

I felt like I would faint again.

Sherlock got up as well and dragged me back to the bed, closing the door behind us.

“You know what could help?” He smirked. “I know… Because I know you.”

He got me back in bed, facing up to the ceiling. I was about to talk, when I felt him pulling down my pijama shorts. A sigh left my lips, as I felt his tongue rubbing my clit in circles. I closed my eyes, filled with pleasure, and tried to keep it quiet so neither Mrs Hudson nor Watson could hear us.

“Come here,” I begged after a while.

I opened my eyes and saw Dean crawling up to my face. His tattoo was covered in sweat and his hair was ruffled.

“You thought I would just leave it there, sweetheart?” He flirted and, without a warning, he thrust inside me. “You feel good today… Tight, and so wet for me…”

I moaned, getting lost in his green eyes. I wanted to kiss him, but I couldn’t.

I didn’t even feel his weight over me.

I blinked.

TARDIS.

I blinked again.

Dean was looking at me, dumbfounded as he made love to me.

I shook my head and closed my eyes again, letting my body fall back into the pillows as I succumbed to the pleasure he… they were giving me. I called both of their names in between whispers until I climaxed.

I sighed and opened my eyes.

I was in my room. Darkness surrounded me. I was alone, and my fingers were still between my legs.

I wiped them quickly with the bed sheets and took my phone to googled Dean Winchester’s name, only to find out that he was not being looked at by the US government, but rather a fictional character. Not only that, but I saw pictures of him in the most intimate moments… Moments I could recall from living them with him.

I clicked on one of his pictures.

Jensen Ackles… Married.

I clicked on Sam’s.

Married.

I clicked on Castiel’s.

Married.

They were all married. Click by click I undercovered the lie I was living in.

“But what about Sher?” I thought to myself.

I googled him. Fictional character, based on the books by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

There he was, my Sherlock, next to others who had also played him.

“I thought I was in a hospital,” I whispered.

“Maybe it’s just your unconscious mind asking to be treated by a professional.” Castiel’s voice spoke.

“Maybe it’s because that is where you’re going,” Sam gestured to the side of my bed. A bottle of vodka laid there empty, next to empty sets of aspirins.

“Is there an end to this?” I asked.

“I’m afraid not,” Jim Moriarty spoke from the darkness. “But aren’t you having fun?”

“What if I die?” I insisted.

“You won’t,” Sherlock said, “you still got enough energy to call an ambulance for yourself.”

“Please do,” Watson begged softly.

I grabbed my phone and dialed the number.

“I need an ambulance…”

“We’ll see you on the other side, sweetheart.” Dean smiled with a glimpse of sadness.

“I love you, guys.”

Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought you were moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy… Maybe it was loneliness… Or maybe I was just a fangirl… Interrupted.

No tags for this one.

[clumsyclifford]

hi my love i’m hope not too late but i would like you to tell me about my loves jewish cake, anything you want to but specifically baker calum 🥰 thank you i love you

of course you aren’t too late!!! ESPECIALLY to talk about jewish cake oh my goodness meg i shall die for you i love you. alright let’s see what i can dig up

ha’ahava hazot shelanu + it’s so simple

a cut, per usual

so let’s start WITH:

ha’ahava hazot shelanu

jewish cake was a labor of love for myself. little known fact about me is that i am in fact jewish! :) and around christmas time i always get a little prickly about the surplus of christmas spirit and in this case the amount of fic for it. and i’d sort of had this hesitant idea to write a jewish fic in the back of my mind for a long time, but it felt like a really big divergence from the Cast of Characters that was for some reason a lot more dramatic than any other circumstances into which i could place them, so i’d basically been hesitating for several months. in november we had a brief conversation about it in the club which looked like this

but the idea still made me a little nervous and so i kind of talked myself out of writing it, as always. and THEN, middle of december, iba sent me this 1d fic out of nowhere with this accompanying message:

and i kinda lowkey almost cried!! it was such a jewish fic. i read the word kvetch and i almost lost it. the fic was just so unabashedly jewish. and i was like...well. that’s what ive been wanting to do. so now i have no reason not to do it.

in the ao3 notes i talked a little bit about my internal debate over How Jewish To Go with the fic because on the one hand i really do understand that it can feel alienating going into a fic with zero understanding of the culture but on the other hand since it was MY fic i wanted to make it jewish the way i’m jewish. which is like...............very. i don’t think i ended up striking a balance so much as just deciding to say fuck it and write it the way i would want to read it, but i definitely think that was the right decision for me.

there was actually one more motivator for writing this fic, especially the WAY i wrote it, in eight chapters, and that motivator was that i wanted to break 400k on ao3 before the year ended. i just wanted to have an even number and 400k was a good goal. which i did achieve thanks to jewish cake fic being the 13.6k beast that she is! so that was also part of it

NOW! as for the PROCESS. i created the doc on december 22 and i originally kind of thought it was a little bitchy to write a hanukkah fic after hanukkah had already ended but was reminded that most christmas fic is neither written nor posted on actual christmas which reassured me well enough. i had already had the idea to divide it into eight chapters for the eight nights of hanukkah and i thought that would be a nice way to showcase different aspects of the holiday (seeing family, playing dreidel, opening presents etc) and also in certain cases (like the third chapter where they do some baking) some days that weren’t necessarily hanukkah-driven but just a nice natural consequence of being on break for hanukkah. i wanted it to feel like hanukkah feels to me!! normally i don’t like people seeing the way my outlines look but this one i don’t mind sharing so here’s what i had at the top of the doc for reference while i was writing. not everything in that first list got included but most of it did !!! 

i’m not really sure how this fic ended up being cake. i never used to default to cake but for some reason as i was diving into this one it just felt right. that’s all i can say about that. meg you have genuinely shifted my approach to fic i DO default to cake sometimes now and that’s on YOU. 

the very first thing i ever wrote down for this fic was this part that ended up going in the summary:

“Happy Hanukkah,” Calum says, smiling at Luke as their fingers intertwine.

Luke murmurs, “Chag sameach, ahovi,” and Calum’s face is aglow in the candlelight.

that was The Moment for me. i didn’t even write the rest of that scene until later but i had those two lines written down straight out the gate and i knew they were gonna close out the first scene because it just Felt Right. and i was right! very cool and fun for me

now the nice convenient thing about having this fic separated into eight discrete scenes/nights/chapters was that i didn’t have to write it in order, and i didn’t. i DID write the first night/chapter first, but then over the course of maybe a week, i wrote (deep breath get ready): the first half of chapter 2 (hemmings family) > the beginning of chapter 5 (the dreidel game) > most of the scene in chapter 7 > the beginning of chapter 3 (where they bake) > finished writing chapters 2 & 3 > started chapter 4 and finished chapter 5 > finished chapter 4 and wrote the rest of chapter 7 > all of chapter 6 > all of chapter 8 aka the proposal. i deliberately saved the proposal for last because i don’t think i could have written it exactly right without knowing the events that came before it but everything else was all over the place as you can see. 

a problem i ran into a lot, and i talked to my sounding board and fellow jew sam about this among many other things, was that i had a lot of trouble characterizing very obviously Not Jewish people in a way that made them Very Jewish. not even like, Jewish But You Can Ignore It. i wanted them to be front-and-center jewish like i am and that was hard for me to navigate because obviously my speech patterns and vocabulary as an american jew are extremely different from 5sos’s as australian goyim (non-jews) like i do use hebrew words in my day-to-day communication all the time and i somehow had to keep their mannerisms but also insert mine BUT not insert so many of mine that the fic became incomprehensible and it was just. a Challenge. here’s some insight into THAT crisis

and then again writing the other characters in other chapters

i sent sam the doc when i was mostly done writing it, mainly just to be reminded that at least one person was going to appreciate this fic, which worked out nicely because she very very much did. genuinely i cannot stress enough how insecure i was to write and share this fic. like i’m gonna be really straight up with you meg, i think part of the reason i had calum and luke baking sufganiyot was because to me that felt like a sort of bribe? i basically wrote what felt to me like the least appealing fic ever and then my mission from there was to add stuff in that would convince people to give it a shot anyway. i was trying to make it worth everyone’s while. the baking was my trade-off, i was like “well yeah it’s a jewish fic but maybe she’ll be happy enough that it’s cake and they’re baking that she’ll forgive it for being a jewish fic” yes i realize how kind of hilariously tragic this sounds but !!! you never get jewish fics!!! and you especially don’t get them in fanfiction for obviously non-jewish bands!!! anyway. we’re not gonna get into this whole thing but like. even though objectively i knew that i had been told again and again people would appreciate the fic i still had doubts and knowing something and feeling secure in it are very different things.

also, i didn’t remember this, but apparently i had a lot of problems with writing the proposal! here’s a sneak peek into that mental breakdown

don’t actually think the fic specifies (making life easier for myself) but they have already had dinner in that scene. so now you know. 

i could choose to not get this elbows-deep in the details of Crises I Had While Writing This Fic but instead i am choosing to go all out. here’s another thing i had trouble with:

(i did end up using transliteration obviously but i DO think actual hebrew would have been a cool flex)

and as for the title, ha’ahava hazot shelanu is the name of an ivri lider song that i love, and it translates to “this love of ours” and i realize titling the fic in hebrew was a Choice but i did talk to sam about this as well and that went roughly like this

by the way here is the song, i absolutely love it and i cannot recommend it enough. also i’m not sure how glaringly obvious this is but the chapter titles on ao3 are just hebrew numbers. like the first chapter is echad which literally means one. and so on. are they the correct genders? i don’t know ! fuck gendered language.

one more thing and then ill move on but an unfortunate natural consequence of writing a hanukkah fic (at least the way i wrote this one) is that it necessitates presents. so i had to come up with presents for these dumb boys to give each other. and to be completely honest with you i don’t remember how i did!!! the ones calum got for luke were trickier because they were actual things. for some reason this luke was always a version of luke that just kinda like, wore makeup, so that was just a question of figuring out an eyeshadow palette that would be Nice but not obscenely schmancy (i did ask the club for help since i know nothing about makeup but as usual i ignored their replies). but that by itself didn’t feel like enough of a gift, and so i tried to think of something that would be more than just the gift of an object. like, something that would maybe enable luke to spend more time on something he loves. piano music made sense to me because it wasn’t just a thing by itself it was a thing that encouraged luke to play piano and even to improve at it and to learn songs that he could be excited about. so! that was that

the trip to israel gift was a little bit of a retcon situation i really liked the idea that luke had been planning to give that “gift” to calum for a hot sec that he’d have had it ready, but i’d already written the scene where he and mali talk about israel, so i went back to it and edited it a little to hint at the idea (luke plays it off very casually because he is a clever boy) but i thought there was something very romantic in the idea of the israel trip, of luke planning a future with calum and a trip to a place that means so much to him (to me yes maybe luke and i are the same blah blah) and getting to drag calum around to falafel places and teach him words in hebrew and it just seemed like the appropriate trip for these two cute jewish boys to plan so i rolled with it.

okay moving on slightly!! to baker calum <3 baker calum was more of a cameo in the hanukkah fic, in the chapter i wrote with you in mind, but i can talk about it’s so simple here as well because i fucking adore that fic.

it’s so simple

so the inspiration behind the fic came from the “kitchens are for lovers” rhetoric and the realization that that would be the perfect...sort of thesis to build on for a fic for you in specific, because you are, in my mind, a very kitchen-based person, given your baking habit. it actually just worked out pretty nicely for me honestly because i’ve been wanting to write a big Kitchen Romance type fic for a while and you just gave me the perfect opportunity. here’s what i had at the top of the doc for the fic for you

and then once i sort of landed on the idea for the fic, it just made a lot of sense to make it jewish cake because, well, im gonna be real w you, because i identify very strongly with jewish cake and the kitchen-romance aspect felt like a very bella thing in the same way that jewish cake felt like a bella thing. and so i wanted to be able to romanticize these kitchens to share the way that i, bella, feel about them, and that was easy to do when the characters were so similar to me. not to mention this cake already existed in my head as a very settled, domestic duo, and they had their own home and had already had a kitchen-romance scene in the hanukkah fic and the whole thing just fell together perfectly. i had this sentence in my head and it was: “Shabbat in Luke and Calum’s kitchen looks something like this.” the kind of thing you would read in a fic summary right? and especially having it take place on shabbat felt like an extra layer of domestic easy romance to me so that was kind of my guide

here was my "outline” for this:

Romance :)))

obviously calum was going to be the one doing most of the cooking/baking because he had been established as the Kitchen Boy between the two of them and maybe i realized in the course of writing it that while i was luke, you were very much calum. so the goal was then basically to romanticize (1) the kitchen and (2) luke as much as humanly possible for you (see: message sent to helen and ainslee)

unfortunately i was unable to do baker calum justice as much as i would have liked because i could not have him baking anything complex because i can’t bake anything complex and if i had tried to describe him baking something complex and then described it wrong i would have died of shame so that is why he is only baking brownies BUT they have chocolate chips which hopefully makes up for it. also i just stumbled across this which i think pretty well represents the crisis i had regarding baker calum

:)))

re: the soundtrack (so to speak), i wanted to include some songs that i associate with you meg but you see the situation is that some of those songs are 5sos/mali/atl songs and so i couldn’t include those, for obvious reasons, which did narrow down my choices somewhat. fortunately i think the mcfly worked pretty nicely i mean yeah it’s a little obvious that i was forcing mcfly into the story but they deserved to be there. i think i’ve mentioned this but i genuinely have a memory of listening to star girl on a loop in my kitchen at home and in my head the hood-hemmings kitchen looks like my kitchen because i have zero imagination so it felt to me like these songs just belonged in kitchens. and that they’d be inherently romantic. woah i think my brain is short-circuiting i’m not sure i’m making sense anymore. point being i hoped that you would appreciate it nonetheless.

a note about the short introduction, because it’s very unlike anything i’ve put in any other fic to my knowledge. i kind of wanted it to feel like the prologue to a fairytale, almost. i wanted it to feel like the beginning of a movie, when the camera is slowly, slowly zooming in from a Big Picture down to one house on one street and then through the window into the kitchen while the voiceover is very serenely describing the scene. i wanted it to feel like we were in the kitchen before even calum was and that we were standing against the fourth wall watching the fic unfold. and also, i wanted to make the fic romantic as fuck, from the get-go. there was to be no confusion: this fic was going to romanticize the living daylights out of the hood-hemmings kitchen.

(also you may have noticed that despite having “london” in the list of Meg Things at the top of the doc, the fic never actually specifies that they’re in london. that’s because this fic was really an exercise in “how much can i hint that they’re in london without outright saying it so i don’t establish a canon that i may later regret” which went as far as me asking helen what her kitchen floors and counters are made of. like. if you want it to be in london then hell yeah it’s in london but i didn’t wanna lock myself into that decision just in case so i never actually said it but i hope it kinda felt london-y anyway lmao)

so...............i THINK that’s all i have to say. “all” as if i havent just written an entire dissertation but at least it’s done now. i sure did say a lot! that was a lot!!! but also a very very fun and interesting dive into the ~process~ of writing these jewish cake fics. also, for what it’s worth, the way hanukkah fic was received basically calmed all my fears about writing jewish fic, which was a relief for me. so thank you for loving it, i don’t think you know how much that means to me!!!! i love YOU so very much

[loudsuitlover]

Doctor Harry IV Dulce introducción al caos

A/N: This is pretty much a story. Like a real one. And there are more than two characters and I love them all and I’m excited about this. Thank you to everyone who reads my shit. You’re great. 

Part I Part II Part III

INDIE’S POV

I have avoided Harry today. That’s so silly, I know; because he probably didn’t give the other night much relevance. I mean we just had a pizza, well he did, and I threw up. I threw up a lot; but he’s a doctor, he’s used to seeing people throwing up every day and I’ve had pizza with professor Gibbins before; that day I stayed with him for practice after lunch. But for some reason, after he saw me like that, it’s embarrassing for me to encounter him.

I just had to come over for the clinical session before their day starts because I have class afterwards anyway and Harry’s not here so I reckon I won’t see him today. Maybe I don’t ever have to see him again so I can’t stop this stupid desire I have for him. It’s pathetic really but he’s just so attractive. I mean I know he is, not just for me, because I’ve seen the way girls look at him and I know Olivia would gladly take off her undies if he wanted to take her to bed. Jason’s name appears on my screen after I go out of the clinical session.

“Hey, J.”

“Hi.”

We haven’t talked directly since last Friday when I was a jerk to him. He’s talked on the group chat so I know he’s been alright but the fact that he’s calling me is a good sign. I thought he was mad at me. I know he doesn’t like it when I talk about David like that, but I also think someone has to say something. I worry about him and I only tell him because I love him and I don’t want anyone to hurt him.

“Are you busy?” He asks.

“I just came out of the clinical session we have to attend to.”

“Right.” I hear him breathe in. “Was Harry there?”

“No, he wasn’t.”

There’s a pause and I bet he’s nodding.

“Well, how are you?”

“I’m good. I wasn’t calling you for this.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“I should be.” He sighs. No, he shouldn’t. “But I’m fed up with getting mad at you for the exact same thing every single time. You have your opinion and I think you’re a meddlesome but I know you mean well.”

I choose not to answer to that because I know we’re unable of discussing that without fighting and I don’t feel like confronting him at eight thirty in the morning.

“I was just calling to tell you I can’t go to your Mum’s exhibition.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, I forgot I had promised David I was going to go with him to his hometown.”

“That’s in two weeks.” I tell him. “Can’t you go to his hometown any other weekend?”

“Well, no, we’ve already talked to his family… You don’t mind, right?”

I’m tired of David’s shit. He probably organize the whole thing so that Jason couldn’t hang out with us especially if he was going to “dangerous territory” because he knows it was my mum’s exhibition. I’m beyond mad. I start walking outside and bump into Harry whose eyebrows raised as he looks at me. I’m about to walk away when Mr Gibbins stops me and tells me to wait for him before he disappears inside his office. I talk to Jason under Harry’s attentive stare.

“What do you mean I don’t mind? Of course I mind! You barely hang out with us anymore and that was going to be a special night. You know it means a lot to me that you guys are there.”

He sighs.

“I’m very sorry, Indie. I just can’t cancel on my family-in-law. I’d go if it was any other weekend but…”

I can hear the regret on his voice and that’s what drives me crazy. He wants to come it’s just fucking David.

“You’re not coming because David doesn’t want you to come.”

“No, that’s not it.”

“Listen, J, I know some people forget about their friends when they have a boyfriend because well, you can’t fuck your friends, but I never thought you were going to be one of those people. I thought we were more important to you. You could make some time for us too.”

“Can’t we have a Golden Girls’ day this week?”

“No.”

I want to hang up but for the first time in forever he seems to be listening and I won’t take this opportunity away. Jason is smart and handsome and funny and kind, he could have any partner he wanted to, so I don’t understand why he would settle with such an arrogant controlling toxic prick.

“Tell him to fuck off for once, J. Having a boyfriend doesn’t mean you can’t go out with your friends alone every once in a while.”

“We went out on Friday…”

“Because he had gone out with the team too!” I take a deep breath. “Don’t you want to come with us?”

“Of course I want to go with you. You just don’t get it. He…”

“What? He hits you?”

“WHAT?” He all but yells. “NO! Indie, how can you say that?”

“Well, I don’t know anymore, J. He reminds me too much of Javier.”

“He’s nothing like Javier.”

“He does the exact same things.”

“No, he doesn’t. He loves me.”

“Yeah, Javier used to say he loved me too but that’s a very weird way of showing it.”

There’s complete silence from his end. I start fearing he’s hang up until I hear him take a deep breath. I don’t know whether he’s quiet because he doesn’t want to be rude to me or whether he just doesn’t know how to deny what’s obvious anymore but I can’t keep having this conversation here.

“Listen, J, if you don’t come I just won’t understand it and of course I mind. You know there are two people in a couple and he doesn’t get to decide every little thing. You’re your own person and get to decide your shit too. Just think about it and of course call me if you need anything. You know I love you.”

With that I hang up. I know I have to be on his side no matter what but this topic really gets on my nerves. How they stood by my side when I was with Javier is beyond me but I know he’s gonna need his friends if he’s going to break up with him which I hope he does soon.

“Problems?”

My eyes move up from the floor before me until they meet with Harry’s. He’s staring at me with a worried look on his face. Has he been listening?

“No.”

“Who’s David?” He asks.

“Jason’s boyfriend.”

“And Javier?”

Man, he’s so nosy. My expression is hard but I’m not really mad at him. I’m mad at David and frustrated with Jason but not mad at Harry. I have to remind myself that before I let my anger out on him.

“He’s mine.”

“But you said you didn’t have a boyfriend.” He’s frowning.

When did I say that?

“I don’t.” My eyes hold his and I watch his expression softens. Does he care? “I meant he’s my ex.”

He nods his head.

“Are you always so blunt or is it just with me?”

“I’m not blunt.”

“You didn’t use to be but don’t think I haven’t realized you avoided me today. And yesterday.”

“I didn’t avoid you yesterday.”

“You stayed with Dulce for your practice.”

“Dulce’s a very-”

“You always go with me for practice.”

My mouth opens so I can argue when professor Gibbins stands next to me with a confused expression and a folder on his hand.

“Is everything alright?” He asks having a look at his folder so he doesn’t have to look at Harry or me I suppose.

“Yeah.”

Harry answers for me before he walks away with a frown. I can’t believe he’s actually mad that I didn’t bother him yesterday or this morning? I mean nobody wants to have a student following them around the hospital and asking questions and taking notes. All of sudden he likes teaching?

Professor Gibbins and I walk together to class on a professional silence until he makes conversation asking me about how my study is going. I tell him I like his notes because they’re easy to understand and I appreciate the effort he put at making them and he ends up blushing. Professor Gibbins is very cute. He walks around pretending he’s this cool guy with a big motorbike and a cool leather jacket but you can easily tell deep down he’s like a little boy with a toy. I wonder whether he likes videogames like my brother.

I join Marie as professor Gibbins get the ppt ready for the lecture. There’s no sight of Olivia or Jason obviously because this lecture is not mandatory and on wednesdays we all have hospital practice in the afternoon. Marie tells me they’re both coming to have lunch with us at the restaurant we like. The Chambers is just ten minutes away from the hospital and they have really, really great food at a very affordable price. I reckon the fact that it’s not on a well-known area lowers the prices of the meals but the food is signature cuisine and the staff is great so we love the place.

Professor Gibbins tells us the Surgery and Anesthesia department had decided the hospital practices should end with an essay so that we could actually get a mark on that so all the hours at the hospital would have a more rewarding result. I hate essays but I understand and I think it’s a fair idea.

“I’ll send you the list with your tutors afterwards. I think you all know them but it’s possible that someone has a tutor they’ve never met because we’ve tried not to overload anyone with work.” He states. “Well that’s all guys. See you on Friday.”

Marie and I leave the lectures hall gossiping about Olivia and Mario. Apparently they kissed on Friday night. The girls told me Saturday morning when I woke up at their apartment and Olivia was embarrassed to death. It was funny to see her like that because Olivia is never embarrassed of being sexually free and hooking up with whoever she wants but for some reason she was mortified about this.

Jason and Ollie are already sitting at a table when we get to The Chambers and I set my eyes on Jason’s, trying to get the vibe we stand now, and I can tell he’s sorry. His eyes look at me with regret so I give him a little smile. I still want him to come to my mum’s exhibit but we still have ten days for him to come around. I hold his hand over the table and he gives me a smile back.

“Wait, what’s that?”

Marie’s eyes bulge out of her sockets as she stares at Jason’s neck. I lift my ass off my chair so I can lean over the table and have a look myself.

“That’s a bite clear as day.” Ollie giggles.

Jason blushes.

“It was David…”

“What an animal.”

Marie seems horrified, her green eyes fixed on the bread.

“Did it hurt?” She asks.

“No.” J places a hand on her shoulder as if trying to reassure her. “He did it on purpose.”

“What?”

“I did one on him too.” He shrugs. “So that everyone knows he’s mine and I’m his.”

I’m afraid my eyes are going to fall off from my face.

“You mean he marked you like livestock?”

Jason rolls his eyes but I can tell he’s embarrassed.

“You can twist it as you like, Indigo, but it’s something intimate and romantic.” He defends him. “And if you need to know, it gets me hard as a rock when he does that.”

“Jason!” Marie scolds him.

“It’s completely out of place. The fact that he’s aggressive on bed can be a turn on but he shouldn’t be controlling in your life out of the bedroom and have you marked like a cow. You’re not his property, J. You’re yours.”

“I belong to whoever the fuck I want, Indigo. Why can’t you understand that? And don’t you find it funny that you’re trying to control me by telling me David is controlling?”

I count to ten. I don’t want to punch him in the face.

“I haven’t forbidden you to go to his mum’s exhibition.”

I know he wanted this to stay between us. That’s why he called me instead of saying he couldn’t come on the group chat because we both know the girls would give him some shit for not supporting my mum.

“What?” Marie asks.

“That’s not it at all. I can’t go because we have a commitment to his family.”

“Can’t you have a commitment any other weekend?”

“No.”

“Does it turn you on when he tells you what to do?” I ask him.

“On bed, yes.”

“And out of bed?”

“It’s more complicated than that. Sometimes he gives me orders that ends up on sex and that’s not a bad thing. It’s just another way of understanding sex, Indie. I wish you’d respect that.”

“I would respect that if it was only about sex. You do you in bed, whatever gives you pleasure. I’m just saying you should draw the line. Show him he isn’t in control of your life even though he might be in control during sex. You’re your own person and you should be in control of your own life.”

Jason sighs. I know what I can say isn’t going to solve anything but something tells me, even though he tries to convince me he doesn’t listen to me, that he does. I know I keep him thinking and for now, that’s all I want. I place my hand on his wrist on the table.

“You know I love you.”

His green eyes meet mine and he nods.

“I love you too.”

I know he’s angry at me but that doesn’t change the way we feel about one another.

“Oh my God you won’t believe this.” Marie’s looking down at her phone with her mouth opened in a tiny circle.  

Jason, Ollie and I look at each other without understanding until she looks up from her phone and explains.

“Professor Gibbins sent us the lists as he said he would.”

“Which lists?” Jason asks.

“We have to make an essay for the practice. It’s a couple of clinical cases that a tutor would give us.”

“Do we choose the tutor?” Ollie asks.

“No, that’s what the lists are about. They assign you the tutor.”

“And what’s what we won’t believe?”

“Student Indigo Blue Anderson” I flinch as Marie reads my full name “Tutor Harry Styles.”

My eyes bulge out of my sockets and I choke on my water. Olivia taps on my back as I bring a hand to my throat. What kind of joke is this?

“But that’s not all…” Marie bites on her bottom lip. I’m afraid what she will say next. “Student Olivia Bassot, tutor Mario Matteoti.”

Olivia stops tapping my back to freak out herself and Jason laughs out loud as both Olivia and me look ahead with eyes wide opened.

“There’s no way this was a coincidence.”

“Do you think they got to choose?”

“That or it was professor Gibbins who did the distribution.” Jason laughs. “This should be fun.”

One hour later, after lunch and discussing Mario and Olivia’s fling and the possibility that the same thing happens between Harry and me, I’m making my way towards the Anesthesia doctors’ room where I hope to find Harry. I’m going to tell him he’s my tutor and then I’ll find someone else to do the practice with but I’ll inform him because my friends thought he had the right to get offended when I just disappeared on him without any warning. I still don’t get it but if it’s four against one, they might be right.

I knock on the door and wait for someone to let me in. He’s sitting on the desk typing on his laptop when he sees me. His green eyes set on me as I walk towards him.

“Are you busy?” I ask.

He hums as if considering whether he can give me his attention or not before he points at the chair next to him.

“I just need another minute and then I’m with you.” He smiles.

I take a seat next to him and place my hands on my thighs. It’s crazy I get complete changes of mind every time I’m close to him. This weekend it was easy to decide it wasn’t a good idea to keep up our weird friendship but now I see him and I remember he actually texted me and I feel all sorts of butterflies on my belly. That’s just silly but he smells so good and his skin looks so tight over his muscles and his eyes are so beautiful and he seems so smiley all the time.

There’s another doctor on the room but when she leaves we’re left alone and less than a minute after that Harry turns his body so his corporal language lets me know I have his full attention. He raises his eyebrows as if asking me what I need.

“I just wanted to let you know you’re my tutor for this essay we have to do.”

He smirks.

“I know.”

“Okay.”

My eyes set on his. I want to ask him why he knows, I want to ask him whether it was a coincidence but I would be mortified if he went “of course it was, what were you thinking?” so instead I just shut my mouth and take a deep breath.

“Well I-“

“Wait” he sucks his lips inside his mouth and then he frowns. I know by now that’s his serious expression. “Before you continue, I wanted to apologize.”

I raise my eyebrows. I wasn’t expecting that.

“My reaction this morning was out of line. I don’t want you to feel pressured or like… I mean I’m aware I’m six years older than you, I’m also on a position of… I don’t know how to say this without it sounding bad but.. I guess on a position of power over you in some way so I wouldn’t want you to feel like you have to be nice to me just because I kind of supervise your way around the hospital and… I wanted to apologize if I crossed a line or if I made you feel uncomfortable.”

Why did that sound so sexy? And why do I not want him to say that? He also realized this can’t be and this is not good for either of us but then again that means there is indeed something, isn’t it? I need to tell the Golden Girls this. I feel lots of different ideas colliding in my mind but there are too many for me to focus on any of them and understand what is it exactly what I’m thinking. All I know is I didn’t like him when he said that.

“You didn’t make me feel uncomfortable.” I confess.

I see his green eyes sparkling as they focus on mine and I feel like he’s trying to read me as hard as I’m trying to read him. His shoulders are tensed as if he was ready to run any minute from now.

“So would you stay with me in your practice?” He smiles timidly.

I nod my head, his shyness is contagious.

“We can work on your essay.” He offers.

“Cool.”

“Do you have any ideas?”

“Aren’t you supposed to give me a clinical case?”

“Yeah” Is he blushing? “But if there’s anything that’s interesting to you, we can work on that. I mean if there’s something you don’t quite understand or something you’d like to know more about, I could search for an interesting clinical case about that.”

That’s very nice of him. I bet most tutors would just give students well-trodden clinical cases or clinical cases they’ve solved themselves so as to work as little as possible but he doesn’t mind working double to make things easier for me.

“I don’t know… Maybe we could do something about anesthesia on an epileptic patient? I think that could be interesting.”

His eyebrows raise and he smiles at me.

“You’re very smart, do you know that?” He tilts his head and I giggle. I can’t believe I just giggled. “Let’s see what I have here.”

With that he begins his search and turns his laptop screen to me so I can see what he’s doing too.

“You don’t have patients now?”

“I’m on consultation today.” He answers without looking at me. “I just made a round before lunch so if no one calls us, we still have half and hour or so before we make another.” He looks at me so he can give me a smile and then turns back to his laptop.

After a few minutes of silence as he opens, reads over and closes documents, he speaks again but he’s not looking at me.

“How are things with your mum?” His question takes me off guard. “Did you work it out?”

“She let it be.” I reply.

His green eyes set on mine for a few seconds and I know he’s holding back for asking more questions. I’m glad he knows when to ask and when not to. Trying to avoid his eyes, mine set on my phone that doesn’t stop vibrating on top of the table.

“You can answer.” He lets me know. “I’m just searching for your case anyway.”

Hoping to avoid more questions, I grab my phone and realize the reason behind all the vibrating is The Golden Girls group chat.

Jason: THEY CHOSE THE STUDENT.

Olivia: What are you talking about?

Jason: THEY DID. Professor Gibbins told me.

Marie: Please tell me you did not ask him directly.

Jason: Oh, please, I’m a ninja. There’s no way he noticed.

Olivia: INDIE DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

Jason: Harry Styles wants your pussy on a tray.

Marie: JASON!!!!!!!

Olivia: Give it to him. Everyone knows you want to.

Marie: Ollie, for the love of God, how is she going to do that? He’s her professor.

Olivia: He’s not! And even if he was, so what? They’re both consenting adults.

Marie: I don’t think that’s right…

I block my phone and leave it on the table. I feel so nervous I want to throw up again. Did Harry choose to be my tutor?

“I like this one.” He states before he reads the beginning to me and turns around to check whether I like it too. “Wow, is everything alright?”

I bet my face is a poem. I’m even dizzy and I don’t know why this is affecting me this much. I can’t believe he’s interested in me like that. I mean what does he see in me? He could literally have any woman not only in the hospital but everywhere else. He’s some sort of god and he’s just too much for me. I think I’m going to faint.

“Yes.” I lie.

“I’ll email you the case.” He says. “I think Danny gave me your email with the list and you also have mine” he looks for it on the list “or I could always text you.” He smirks.

My cheeks are set on fire and he chuckles as he sees me. So he apologized for crossing the line just moments ago and now here he is jumping over the line and doing a headstand on the other side.

“Let’s go.”

With that he stands up and waits for me next to the door. I don’t know whether he’s moving too fast or I’m a turtle but I try my best to follow him around and as usual he’s all smiles and puns and jokes and I find myself rolling my eyes at him more than once. We’ve bumped into Peter a few times and he’s picked on him every time.

At seven o’ clock, when it’s time for me to leave, I stop Harry before he enters another patient’s room and take my attendance signatures paper out of the pocket of my white coat. He’s signed all of my practices smiling smugly but this time his smile falters.

“This is your last practice?”

I smile at his disappointment.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t think it’d make a difference.” I shrug.

“Well, I could have offered you a coffee or something.”

“We’ve been very busy anyway.”

I dismiss his offer with a sincere smile and I see his eyes dropping to my mouth. I raise my eyebrows setting my eyes on the paper he’s holding on his hand for him to sign my paper. Olivia must be waiting for me. She’s taking me home today. Harry nods and presses the paper against the wall so he can sign it. He looks at me once as if he’s considering something and I swear he’s got something to say when he turns back towards the paper and signs. He’s shaking his head. I grab the paper and pull from it but he doesn’t let go so I chuckle and blush and keep pulling until he lets go of it. I’m sad he did.

“You will be missed Sorry.”

I smile. He didn’t say he will miss me, but I know that’s what he meant. I don’t know why I’m not moving but neither is he so I don’t know for how long we stand there just staring at each other.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Is it about practice?” He raises his eyebrows.

I blush and shake my head. He ruined all the courage I manage to gather to ask him that so now there’s no way I can ask him.

“Then” he interrupts me even though I’m not ready to ask him now “since it’s not about practice, how about you ask me outside of here?”

I feel a crease between my eyebrows. Is he saying what I think he’s saying? My heart is beating fast on my throat as Marie’s words resound on my mind. I don’t think this is right either. What would my family think of me?

“Can I take you out sometime?”

I can’t read his expression but he’s looking at me as if he knew I was going to say yes. I don’t know why in the world he would want to take me out. I’m serious, there’s nothing I have that he can’t have in another woman better than me. Probably older and sexier too.

“Why?”

It looks like I gave him the crease to wear between his eyebrows. His green eyes investigate mine.

“What do you mean why?”

“I mean why do you want to take me out?”

He chuckles. I don’t know whether he’s laughing at me, whether he finds me funny or whether he’s just as nervous as I am.

“Why do you think?” He laughs.

“I don’t know. That’s why I asked you.”

“God, Sorry, you’re making this so hard. It’s okay if you don’t want to, just say no.”

“Okay, then no.”

With that I walk away, almost running away from him so that I don’t have to see his face. I have no idea what just happened. Did he just ask me out? Did I just say no? Oh, God, I still have an essay to do with him! That’s going to be so uncomfortable. Just like Frank Sinatra, I want to roll myself up in a big ball and die. I still have to wait for Olivia because to my surprise she’s not here smoking when I walk out as usual. Usually I have to deal with her complaining about my slow ass but today she’s the one making me wait. My phone vibrates on my pocket and I pick up without checking the screen.

“Where are you?”

I hear Harry’s laugh and my breath catches on my throat.

“Miss me already?”

“Sorry, I thought you were someone else.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What?”

“I said I’m sorry.” I can hear his stupid smirk.

“Yeah, but what for?”

“Because I was rude to you. I didn’t want to talk to you like that. You just… It made me nervous that you rejected me.”

“I hadn’t rejected you when you snapped at me.” I correct.

“But you were going to.”

“I wasn’t.”

WHAT?

“What?”

Oh, boy.

“So you’ll go out with me?”

His grin is contagious even through the phone because only that could be the reason I’m grinning too. I’d like to see him now.

“I… Don’t you think it’s inappropriate?

“Why?”

“Because you’re my professor.”

“I’m not.”

“You’re my tutor.”

“Do you want me to tell Danny I can’t be your tutor?”

“No!”

He laughs. What would professor Gibbins think? What would professor Gibbins think anyway? They’re friends. I’m sure he’ll end up knowing and what does that say about me? That my tutor and I went out even before he marked my clinical case.

“It’s just an essay, Indigo.” He reasons. “Danny could always grade it for you. I’m sure he wouldn’t mine. Plus, I’m sure your essay’s gonna be interesting to read so he’d read it anyway.”

I smile at that. I like the compliments he gives me about my work, especially because I know he means them. He’s very honest. If he thinks something I say is silly he’d also tell me so that makes this count more.

“Come on. It’s just going to be you and me. Forget about the hospital. That’s doctor Styles and Sorry but it’ll just be Harry and Indigo.”

“Indie.” I correct him.

“Indie.” I swear the vowels sound different when he smiles. “Harry and Indie.”

“But why?”

“What do you mean why?”

“Why would you want to take me out?”

“Isn’t it obvious? Do I really have to explain it to you?”

“I mean… You could out with anyone-”

“Well I want to go out with you. It’s simple.”

“It’s not. I know you don’t care but I’m still a student.”

“Okay, Indie, stop. You’re on a swirl. Listen to me.” His voice hardens and I feel funny between my legs. “It can’t be that bad. If it goes wrong, I can always tell Danny I don’t have time for your essay and I know he’ll supervise it but that’s not even going to happen. Come on, it can’t be that horrible.”

“I don’t know.”

“Dinner.” He tries.

“I just…”

“Just dinner.”

“Okay.”

What did I just say?

“Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow is Thursday.”

“So?”

“So I have lectures on Friday.”

“But it’s just dinner.” He chuckles and I thank God he can’t see me because I bet my cheeks are bright red.

Ugh, how smug can he be!

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He hangs up.

I can’t believe I just agreed on a date with Harry. I try to gather my thoughts as Olivia walks past me with a big smile on her beautiful face. She seems to be on a good mood.

“Harry just called me.” I tell her. “We’re having dinner tomorrow.”

She grins mischievously as she unlocks her car.

“What did you do?”

She shrugs.

“I just talked to him.” She gets inside her car and I open the door and jump on the passenger’s seat.

“WHAT? What did you tell him?”

She laughs like a maniac.

“He stopped me on the hall and asked me if you’re always so hard to get with guys. I said yes.”

“Ollie!”

“I also said it was just a shell and that deep down you love fiercely and with passion.”

“You’re an idiot.”

We both laugh like crazy.

[iereiaio]

𝕸𝖆𝖐𝖊 𝖞𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝕮𝖍𝖔𝖎𝖈𝖊

There is no shadow work prompt today, however I will be giving some updates, and then some insight on a reading I had received and then one I just did for myself. They have similar messages but I feel mine is more in depth. I will be separating the topics into sections so you can skip around to what you’d like! 

Updates regarding the Account

I will be trying to post more starting today. I feel as though Haides hasn’t been very happy with me considering my inability to devote ANY time to him, aside from talking to him at night before bed, and sleeping with his altar bag. I feel he’s in the forefront of my mind on most days, but I’ve been lacking the motivation and energy to do anything about it. I am a Priestess. He chose me out of nearly 8 BILLION people in this world. He’s been with me since I was born into this life, as well as all of my previous lives. He has been with me for hundreds, if not thousands of years. I had gotten this confirmed by several readers, and several of my own readings, and I had always had a very strong pull towards him, as well as luck with a lot of things. He’s believed in me for so long, and I can feel his patience in me wearing thin, and it’s a very lonely feeling. He hasn’t pulled back from me, however I just feel like he doesn’t have as much faith in me as he once did. So I will be trying to do shadow work at the very least once a week, but I aim to do 3-6 days a week. So expect more posts with shadow work. I was healing when I was journaling and pulling cards every day. I have been very stagnant lately and I know it’s because I’ve been neglecting my journey of healing, but also my deities and other passions in my life. I know Haides understands, but I also know he wants me to do better and try harder. Even a little bit of effort, I’m sure he will appreciate 

The reading I had received 

I got a reading from a friend today, I pulled it regarding new deities potentially knocking on my spiritual door (I feel as though Lucifer and Lilith are wanting to work with me, but somebody I don’t know said that Lilith told her it was an imposter entity, so I am needing to do some research before confirming or denying that. This reading was supposed to do that, but instead it came for my throat. Anyway, on with the cards:

6 of swords

5 of swords

10 of swords

9 of swords

4 of pentacles

7 of wands

the Hermit

queen of swords  

So into the interpretation, they said I have very little energy (as represented by the 6 of swords), and that Im trying to heal but it’s just really difficult. Any new deities coming into my circle will provide me more energy, but it will “hurt” me a little bit- (represented by the 10 of swords, I am personally believing it may be once I start putting more energy into Haides, I will be getting this newfound energy) And by hurting me, it will be learning lessons. As lessons are often hard to learn. I am represented again in the 9 of swords, being in pain consistently (mentally) but with the 4 of pentacles, Hades will help me step into my personal power, and break free from restrictions i feel financially- but also emotionally. Im being given the opportunity to go forth after the things in life that im passionate about, and i know what im passionate about but i fear both success and failure. The Hermit, which was a funny draw, because Haides uses that card to represent himself in my decks- but I feel alone a lot ofthe time (not a lie anyway lmao), and with the Queen, im being called to action to either step up or get out of the battle. Im being called to be more assertive and call to Haides for the strebgth Im currently lacking. “Embody him so to speak”. They suggested EVOKING Haides, and even INvoking him next. They also said my protections might be weak (hope I don’t regret saying that online)

Now onto my own reading

So, for mine, I did it pretty soon after theirs, since they gave me a bit of clarity on what to look for. As well as insight that Haides wasn’t too happy with me and my depressed shenanigans. While YES hes understanding, and more understanding and patient than many other deities would be, he is still growing impatient with me, considering how little effort im putting into ANYTHING. So with the insight, i decided to do my own pull based ont he reading I had gotten from my friend. The cards I pulled were:

(the first reading was very short and to the point)

Page of Swords 

The Hermit (only to find Haides in the deck)

King of Cups

And in the second reading, which was much longer, I pulled:

Two of Wands

Eight of cups (R)

Four of coins (R)

Seven of cups (R)

Three of coins 

The High Priestess (R)

The Magician (R)

The Fool

Page of Cups

The World

The Artist (unique major arcana card to this deck)

The way that I personally interpret the first reading, is that Haides misses my energy, and would like to help me gain it back, however I need to devote at least some of my energy to him and show him my loyalty to him in order to get that in return. I cannot expect help with healing without giving him anything in return. I need to do better if I want his help. He will be there for me, but he wants me to do better. He wants the best for me. 

As for the second reading, I have some decisions i need to make, i assume about my current artistic path, i will have some career opportunities but i need to work now to get them. My depression and hopelessness is represented by the 8 of cups, ive been in a real bad rut these last couple weeks, moreso in the last few days as some bad, traumatic memories have started to resurface. Haides is reminding me with the 4 of coins to start being more responsible, not only with my money, but with my time. I’ve spent so many days moping in bed, sad, sleeping all day; he wants to help me but he wants me to prove to him that I am devoted to him and my healing journey. He wants me to try, even on hard days. He wants to give me clarity and strength to move forward, but again, wants me to  prove my loyalty to this journey. If i put forth the effort, i will grow and blossom in the ways I need to. I will succeed with him by my side. However I need to be more open with myself, and not allow ignorance to take me off my path. I need to remember that the things that have happened to me, have already happened. And while it’s okay to process and be sad about them, and traumatised (as its as if im living these things for the first time), but I cannot let them ruin my entire day, or multiple days. I cannot let my life waste away because of something bad happening. I need to stop letting insecurities rule my life as well. I’ve noticed when I get insecure about something, I shut down and don’t even complete, or start the project. I need to understand that everything isn’t going to be perfect. Though despite the learning I need to do, I also need to cater to my inner child. I need to hold onto that innocents and free spirit. i need to focus on new beginnings and getting these new things rolling instead of just staring at them hopelessly, letting them intimidate me. I need to dive back into spirituality and again, tend to my inner child. If I can do that, I will be successful and happy; I can be brought to the right path, but I need to get back on the right path. Things are rocky, and it’s gonna be a little weird going backwards so I can get back on the right path, but sometimes it’s necessary. I also believe I will have a lot of success with art. I just need to put my mind to  it and put energy into it. I wont get recognition and success by never drawing or posting. I wont succeed if I don’t put in the work. 

[calenheniel]

Queen of the Ashes, a frozen fanfic | Part IV

Frozen | Alternate Universe | Hans x Elsa | Romance, Drama | T+

They met as children, each with a secret. Plagued by tragedy, their paths meet again many years later, and their secrets are unraveled.

Part I | Part II | Part III | Updates: #QueenoftheAshesFrozen

Author’s Note: This fic is probably going to end up being 7-8 parts in total in draft form. I may then go back and re-edit to have it published in 4-5 longer chapters. Anyway, I don’t want to say anything else. Happy quarantine reading!

»»————-　❈　————-««

IV.

She awoke the next morning to a vicious headache, groaning at the sunlight streaming through her window.

Every scene from the night before came into clear focus, and she swore at herself for refusing to drink, wishing that she could forget certain conversations.

I wouldn’t joke about something like this.

She rolled over, stuffing her face in her pillows, trying to block out the sound of his voice.

I wanted to be honest with you, Elsa.

She raised herself up on her hands in a huff, marching over to her closet and throwing the doors open with a burst of wintry wind. She regretted it as soon as she saw her clothes covered in a dusting of snow, and brushed it off while muttering to herself, the headache unabating.

Just as she finished changing, a knock on the door made her jump, and her newly-made crown nearly fell from her hands.

“Your Majesty? It’s Gerda,” said the voice of a servant on the other side. “Breakfast is ready for you. The princess is already at the table.”

The queen almost dropped the crown again, blinking. “Anna is… at breakfast? Already?”

The older woman creaked the door open a little to smile at her queen. “Yes, Your Majesty. With one of your guests, I believe.”

She turned red from her face down to her hands, still uncovered, and her mouth dropped open, then shut again, before she could manage to reply. “I see. Thank you for telling me,” she said, and quickly slid on her gloves. With trembling hands, she secured her crown atop her head. “I’ll be down shortly.”

“I’ll let them know,” the servant said, curtsying and closing the door.

The queen leaned against her bedpost, shaking her head. A frown spread across her features and remained there even as she left the room, taking long and angry – but still outwardly composed – strides through the hall and down the staircase.

She stopped just before the entryway to the private dining room, and took a deep breath, knowing what waited for her if she turned the corner.

I can promise you that it’s not Anna I’m after.

She shifted her frown into a neutral expression with some effort, swallowing, and stepped forward.

Her headache was gone.

»» —— ««

“Elsa! We’ve been here for a while. I thought maybe you decided to sleep in, for once.”

Her sister’s exclamation forced the queen to present a smile, though her nose wrinkled as she did. “Yes,” she replied dryly. She ignored the other person in the room even as he rose and bowed to acknowledge her entrance. “How the tables have turned.”

Her sister laughed at the remark until she snorted, and the prince sat down again. “She’s saying that because I’m never up this early,” the princess explained to their guest, grinning. “Elsa’s always back at work by the time I make it downstairs.”

Her smile dipped a little at this last comment, though the prince was quick to reply: “Is she?” He looked up at the young queen, who was taking her seat at the head of the table when their eyes finally met. “I can see that.”

She stared daggers back at him until he turned away. “I feel very fortunate to have been invited to a private breakfast with you two,” he continued, bowing his head. “It’s been a long time since I shared a meal with family,” he said, smiling sadly, “or something like family.”

Her lip twitched at the comment, and she could barely restrain a scowl as her sister pressed a sympathetic hand to his. “Well you have us, now,” the princess assured him, “and you can join us for breakfast or for any other meal whenever you like.”

Irritation crackled through the queen’s spine. “Anna…” she said, “I don’t think—”

“Don’t worry, Elsa,” her sister interrupted. “I already told Hans he’s welcome to stay with us in the castle as long as he likes, so he doesn’t have to go back home so soon.”

Her mouth went limp. “As long as he likes,” she repeated, oblivious to the servants placing her meal down in front of her.

“Yep,” her sister said, smiling. “Won’t it be great to have him around? Up until yesterday, we haven’t had anyone else here in the longest time,” she said, adding in a gentler way: “I know it’ll be a change from what we’re used to, but… isn’t change good, sometimes, too?”

She gripped her silverware hard enough to feel them start to ice over, and then she exhaled, compelling herself to nod politely in agreement. “It can be,” she forced the words out, and then looked at the prince, her gaze hollow. “And has our guest agreed to stay?”

He matched the princess’s smile. “Yes, at least for the next two weeks of festivities,” he replied, standing to bow. “Or as long as you’ll both have me.”

She gestured for him to sit again, and turned to her sister. “We should talk about this later,” she said. “Anyway, please keep eating, or the food will get cold.”

The princess pouted but went back to buttering her toast, eyeing her sister with caution in the silence.

The queen refused to meet the look, finding her gaze torn between her breakfast – which she had no appetite for – and the prince, who ate his meal with patient precision, his utensils hardly making noise as they touched the plate.

At length, she cleared her throat to get his attention. “So,” she began, tapping her nails against her glass of water, “what were you two talking about, before I arrived?”

“I was just—”

“We were mostly just talking about that time he visited when we were kids,” her sister interjected, looking relieved to be speaking again. “He was reminding me about a lot that I had forgotten.”

She swallowed, her stomach turning just as it had the night before. “Did he?” she asked. “And what did you remind her of, Hans?”

“Just the games we used to play together—or rather,” he corrected himself, “of the games I used to watch the two of you play, while I skulked off to the corner.” He chuckled. “I was really so unfriendly back then. It’s a wonder you two were still so kind to me in spite of it.”

Suspicion laced her stare as her sister giggled at the memory. “Yeah, you were a little on the antisocial side. But you did help us with those puzzle sets that I hated, and I almost got to dress you up in one of Elsa’s gowns that one time, before you ran away.”

As they laughed, the queen watched their exchange between small bites of her meal. Observing how her sister’s sunny, bright disposition was unflinching throughout, she wondered if her deeper fears were unfounded.

“But you told us that really good story that one time, about a kid who could… make fire? Or something like that.” The princess shook her head with a smile. “You had a good imagination for such a sourpuss.”

He looked embarrassed at the comment. “Oh, that? I’m surprised you remember it,” he replied. “I just made it up on the spot, actually. It wasn’t from a book, or anything like that.”

“I knew it!” the princess proclaimed, clapping her hands together. “Even as a kid. I mean, I don’t really remember it that well, but…” She trailed off, tapping her chin thoughtfully. “I think I was upset because you didn’t give us a good ending, or something like that.”

His smile flinched for a second. “No, I didn’t.” He sat up taller. “But enough about me. What about you two? Are you still getting into any trouble, these days?”

“Us? Trouble?” the princess replied. “No. Not really.” She forked a morsel of smoked salmon over to the side of her plate. “Not in a while.”

The two sisters exchanged a long look at this, and the elder coughed to break it. “Not for a long time,” she agreed, and took another sip of water. She shot the prince a dark look. “We can’t afford to get into trouble.”

“Well, Elsa can’t, anyway, now that she’s queen. Me, on the other hand? I do all sorts of crazy stuff,” her sister said in a conspiratorial way, smirking. She added in just above a whisper: “I just do it behind the scenes, you know? So it’s not obvious.”

“Right,” said her older sister, her blonde brow rising. “It’s not obvious at all when you’re riding a bicycle in the hallway, whooping as you go.”

“Okay, well, a little obvious.”

The two shared a genuine laugh at this, which lasted until the queen remembered the presence of a third party at the table. She cleaned her lips self-consciously with a delicate dab from her napkin, and when she looked up, she noticed him staring at her.

Her face flushed. “I should be going now,” she said suddenly, “as I have some work to attend to.” She forced her head to turn towards her sister. “And I believe you have a meeting with the French ambassador and his party starting in a few minutes, don’t you?”

The princess slid down in her chair with a groan. “I forgot about that,” she sighed. “Can’t we take the day off? Your coronation was only yesterday, and—”

“No, Anna, we can’t,” she cut in with a stern tone, though her skin was still tinged red, feeling his eyes on her. “And besides,” she continued, “it’ll be an opportunity to put your French lessons to good use. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?”

“I guess,” her sister muttered, crossing her arms and sliding down the chair further. “If I have to.”

The queen held in a chuckle, her attention finally returning to the prince. “And you…” she paused, uneasy.

He glanced down at the napkin on the table next to her plate, and then back up at her. “I’ll find some way to occupy myself, I’m sure,” he offered, smiling in the same, unnerving way he had all morning. “Should you deign to have me at another meal, I would be honored to join.”

“The library,” she said suddenly, wearing a thin smile. “We have an extensive collection; I think you might like it in there.” After a beat, she explained: “If I recall, you were quite the bookworm when we were children.”

He nodded, a little taken aback. “Yes, and still am,” he said. “I’ll go there, then. Thank you, Your Majesty.”

She did not like his manners –the overtness of his looks, the presumption of another invitation to dinner, the use of her formal title – but, for her sister’s sake, she smiled and nodded as she rose from the table. The prince and princess followed, curtsying and bowing to her as she left.

As she reached and then ascended the staircase, her heart pounded so loudly in her ribcage that she could hear little else.

»» —— ««

The presence of the dignitaries at court meant that the queen could not avoid in-person meetings as before, and her morning was soon occupied by one foreign sycophant after the other. Each was more eager than the last to make an impression on the mysterious young queen, with more than one unsubtle mention of marriage prospects and suitable candidates.

Forced to endure their suggestions, she was at pains to smile through the conversations, and often tried to change topics to trade, politics, architecture, or really anything else. She snuck a curious glance in the direction of the library whenever she got a chance, and her nose would wrinkle a little each time she did, remembering who was inside.

When the last meeting with the Spanish ambassador had drawn to a close – she ended it early after the words “Prince Diego, a fine young man” had left his lips – she took a small lunch in her bedroom and walked directly to her guest’s place of temporary exile, finding that her feet were leading her there before her head could protest.

She was unsurprised to find her sister with the prince, sitting at a table with a large book of maps open between them. He pointed at locations while the princess commented between bites of her sandwich; his handkerchief being empty, the queen surmised that he had eaten his already.

“Ahem,” she said to announce her entrance, and the prince leapt up from his seat, bowing.

Her sister merely waved, gesturing for her to come over with a mouth full of food. “Elsa! Come and look at this. Hans has been showing me where he’s traveled with the Navy.”

She frowned a little as she approached them. “You know you’re not supposed to eat in here,” she scolded.

“Sorry,” the princess apologized, grinning sheepishly, and stuffed the remainder of the sandwich in her face.

This earned her an eye-roll from the queen, who nonetheless took a seat next to her, staring at the prince with feigned interest. “So you’ve traveled,” she said.

“Yes,” he replied, smiling as he took his seat. He smoothed his bare hands out over the pages, pointing at the North Sea. “I was just telling the princess about my last trip to Scotland on duty, some years ago. We were out on a naval exercise and got caught in a bad storm with crazy winds. I was lucky to—”

He paused when he noticed that both sisters looked uncomfortable at his tale, their gazes turned down. Realizing his faux pas, he sat back with an embarrassed look. “I’m so sorry,” he said, “I didn’t think—”

“It’s fine,” the queen snapped, eyeing her sister with some worry. When the princess nodded back, she repeated in a calmer way: “It’s fine. You were saying?”

He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter,” he said, “it wasn’t a good story, anyway.”

A silence settled upon the group until the princess broke it, remarking: “But his other trips sounded wonderful! He mentioned one to France, where he stayed out so late he missed his cleaning duties the next morning on the ship.”

She giggled, and he chuckled in return. “It wasn’t funny at the time, when I was sure I’d be whipped,” he commented, “but I was able to squeeze out of that scrape, fortunately.”

The queen smiled. “It’s good to be a prince, isn’t it?” she remarked, a hint of smugness in her tone. At his furrowed brow, she peeked at the grandfather clock in the corner of the room behind him. Seeing the time, her eyes lifted. “Oh, Anna,” she said to her sister, “isn’t it time for your music lesson?”

The princess blinked, following the queen’s eyes to the clock, and then sighed. “Yeah, it is,” she admitted, dragging herself up from the table with a frown. She patted down her dress, and looked at her older sister with pleading eyes. “Can this be the last of it today? I told Hans we could have tea together later.”

She inhaled, and then relented. “Fine,” she agreed, then added more gently: “You’ve been very helpful these last few weeks, Anna. Thank you.”

The princess beamed at this praise, nodding. “Of course, Elsa. I just want to help where I can.”

The two sisters curtsied to one another, and just before the younger one left the room, she grinned at their guest. “I’ll see you later, Hans. But don’t you dare eat any of the chocolate eclairs without me!”

He smiled back at her. “I’ll try not to, Your Highness.”

She flashed him a suspicious look before finally exiting, and he laughed a little when the door closed after her, eyeing the queen with a curious stare. “Does she really have a lesson,” he asked, “or was that just an excuse to get her out of the room?”

She frowned. “She always has music lessons on Mondays at one. Not everyone has ulterior motives like you, Hans.” Her gaze narrowed at him before turning to the table, and she brushed off the remaining crumbs from her sister’s sandwich into her palm with a sigh. “She brought you lunch, I presume?”

He folded the handkerchief, calmly following her lead. “I thought I’d made my motives quite clear last night,” he replied, “and yes. She was kind enough to bring it to me.” After they had both finished cleaning the table, he shut the book and placed it under his arm, meeting her eyes with one raised eyebrow. “I’m surprised you haven’t sent me away yet.”

She gestured for him to lead them as he walked to the original location of the book, following him with a straight and stiff posture. “I wanted to, when I heard you were at breakfast with her, but…” She swallowed. “Then I saw how you two were getting along this morning, plus just now, and I—well, I couldn’t just throw you out of the castle in front of her.” Her frown returned. “But you knew that would happen, didn’t you?”

He paused in their travels to turn around and look at her, his smile cautious enough to invite suspicion, but not confirm it. “You really don’t trust me at all, do you?” he asked. “I can’t say I blame you; I haven’t really earned it yet.” He didn’t aver his eyes from hers. “I was prepared to leave this morning, but Anna insisted I join her. And, remembering that you wanted to tell her yourself that I was leaving, well…” He shrugged and turned back around, continuing his walk between the library’s endless, tall shelves. “I didn’t want to disobey your orders, Elsa.”

She stood stunned for a moment, and then stomped after him, her arms crossed. “How convenient for you,” she hissed as she caught up to him, and then added with a crinkled brow: “And where did you find that book? I haven’t seen it before.”

He stifled a laugh. “The stacks at the end,” he informed her. “Reminds me of the library at home.” He continued after a beat: “I spent a lot of time in there, growing up.”

In spite of her reservations, the queen replied: “I did too, in here.”

He peeked at her over his shoulder, tapping the volume under his arm. “Then I’m surprised you didn’t recognize this.”

She glared at him. “I haven’t read every book in here—just most of them,” she retorted. “Nautical maps weren’t exactly my favorite.”

They arrived at their destination a moment later, and he smiled at her as he slipped the book back into place. “Then what is it that the Queen of Arendelle likes to read?”

She reddened. “History of architecture, mostly,” she mumbled, her arms relaxing a little, “and fiction, from time to time. Everything else I read out of boredom, or because—”

“You were told to?” he finished, and she frowned. “Yes, I’m familiar with that kind of reading, too.”

Their gazes met in the pause that followed, and her cheeks grew redder upon realizing how closely they were standing to each other. “Anyway,” she began, stepping back from him, “I… I’m not going to ask you to leave. Not yet.”

He blinked. “Oh?”

She pursed her lips. “Not because I want you to stay, of course,” she continued. “It’s for Anna. She hasn’t had anyone to talk to in a long time outside of me, and I’m not exactly the most thrilling company.” The redness in her features had not abated, though her face softened as she admitted: “I haven’t seen her this happy in a while, and I don’t want to take that away from her.”

Before he could chime in, she continued: “She does seem taken with you, to be sure, but… knowing Anna, if she liked you in that way, she’d have told me so already, and probably in dramatic fashion.” Something in-between a smile and a cringe touched her expression. “Thankfully, that hasn’t happened yet, so I’m inclined to believe that the connection you two share is… innocent, for lack of a better word.” Her gaze was penetrating as she added: “And it must remain so.”

He bowed his head. “I wouldn’t have it any other way,” he assured her. “I’m just grateful to know that you’re starting to believe me when I say as much.”

Reminded of what he had told her the night prior, she sucked in a breath, her stare still wary. “Right,” she rejoined. “Because your designs are on me, not Anna.”

“‘Designs’ makes it sound so… villainous,” he remarked, sighing.

“Is that so?” she scoffed. “Then which term, exactly, would you prefer me to use?”

“Just…” he started, and then leaned his elbow against the shelf, his hand brushing against a divider. His gaze grew more focused on her. “Interest.”

“Interest,” she repeated. She glanced at his hand dangling a few feet away from her, his bare skin unnerving her again. “The kind of interest that leads you to sit on the throne, I presume.”

“It’s not about that,” he replied so quickly as to catch her off-guard. “You said it yourself last night: if I really wanted a crown and nothing else, I could’ve had that already.”

“Then what is it, Hans?” she asked. “What makes your ‘interest’ in me so different from all of that?”

He looked down at her crossed arms, and she followed his stare; when she realized the meaning in it, her skin flushed anew, and she aligned her hands to her sides.

“You know, I thought it was strange, at first,” he began, cocking his head to the side, “how Anna never mentioned anything, in all our conversations over the last two days. I would’ve thought that she’d speak of nothing else, remembering how enthusiastic she was about it when we were children.” He stared at her in a thoughtful way. “Not to mention that shock of white hair she has now, which I can’t recall her having before.”

At her silence, he resumed his speech. “But then I remembered the news of how the castle in Arendelle had suddenly been closed off, and how, for years afterwards, no one had seen either of you in person. I thought at the time that it might’ve been related to what I saw here, as a boy, but I couldn’t be sure, and I…” He shifted in his stance. “Well, I had my own problems to deal with back then, and couldn’t spend as much time theorizing about it as I would’ve liked to.” He paused. “Talking to Anna, and then seeing you again, all those old ideas came back to me. I tried to bring it up with her in a roundabout way last night when we were in the gallery, after almost an hour of discussing our favorite kinds of sandwiches and chocolates, but she just gave me an odd look.”

She swallowed. “What did you ask her, exactly?”

“If you two were still building snowmen in there,” he answered, and her shoulders rose nearly to her ears. “She said, ‘how could we build them indoors?’ So I didn’t pry further.” He studied her red face and trembling hands. “I thought perhaps she was protecting you, but… given how chatty she is about everything else, I guessed that wasn’t it, either.”

His tone was calm but directed as he continued: “Then, I saw it at breakfast – when you were gripping your fork and knife – and when she didn’t even notice it, that confirmed for me that whatever is going on, I wasn’t going to find out from her.”

She bit her lip to keep it from quivering, but did not reply, staring at the ground.

“So I’ve been wondering, Elsa: what happened?”

She watched him take one step closer, and sucked in a breath, her head snapping up. Tears stung at her eyes. “I—” she started to say, but her reply was cut short by her own, erratic breathing. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

His gaze softened. “It’s all right. You can tell me.”

She shook her head. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me,” he offered. “I might understand it better than you think.”

“How could you?” she shot back at him, a deep frown etching itself onto her lips. “You don’t know what it was like to be alone for all these years, to have to lie to your only sister, to not even be able to hug your own mother and father before they—”

She cut off her speech before she could finish, placing her face in her hands.

“Elsa.”

A familiar voice and a warm hand on her shoulder roused her from her misery, and she looked up, half-expecting to see her father again.

Instead, she was greeted by a pale-faced prince who held her steady with his hands on her arms, and when she had gathered her senses about her, she stepped back out of his grasp, faintly aware of the traces of snowflakes still stuck to her dress.

She passed a gloved hand over her face. “I hurt her, Hans,” she said in a small, quiet voice. “I hurt her.”

“How?”

Her hand dropped to her side, though she still would not look at him. “It happened a couple years after you visited,” she murmured. “I struck her in the head by accident while we were playing, and… everything changed, after that.” Her jaw tensed. “By some strange creature’s magic, she was made to forget what happened—not just on that night, but on all the other nights before. Anything related to my—”

She could not bring herself to say it, her voice coming out as a croak when she next spoke. “She thinks she was born with that streak of white hair.” She touched the spines of some of the books on the shelf next to them with shaking fingers. “She doesn’t know, because she doesn’t remember. But I do.”

He was quiet for a long while, venturing to speak only when the temperature had become more bearable. “It’s not just your powers that she doesn’t remember, Elsa.”

At his comment, she finally looked at him, bemused. “What do you mean?”

He brushed a snowflake from his shoulder, and watched it melt in the air before looking back at her.

“If she was made to forget who you were,” he replied, “then how can she know who you are, now?”

[atinytokki]

My Way

iv. Best Case Scenario

There was no point in trying to sneak back into the Hall. 

Hongjoong had left the familiar comfort of his former home behind, scared out of reading his mother’s diary by a group of strangers who had been arriving to cart away their belongings, auctioning them off to who knows where.

It was all he needed to know his relatives had gone through with selling the cottage.

So he hid the book in the floorboards, walking back to Jangwon on tired feet, nowhere else to go, and took the verbal beating he knew to expect for running off like he had.

Except it wasn’t just Aunt Minkyung. It was Aunt Ajung, and Aunt Sohee, and even Sohee’s son Myungsoo and his fiancée Bora.

Hongjoong sighed and closed his eyes in exasperation, slowing to a stop in front of them.

It looked like they would be causing a scene in the entryway. One Hongjoong should’ve expected. 

“Where have you been all night?” Minkyung snapped. Hongjoong didn’t even get a chance to answer.

“And the night before the funeral, no less!” Aunt Ajung muttered, clearly more upset about the inconvenience than anything else.

“Do you have any idea how worried we were? We thought we’d have to send a search party—” Sohee began but was interrupted by Aunt Minkyung again.

“You could’ve died, do you realise that?”

“Well, sorry to disappoint,” Hongjoong finally shot back, trying to get around the imposing gaggle of relations.

Scandalised gasps went up all around him but he kept walking.

The pair of gardeners tending the front lawn were wide-eyed and whispering to each other.

Suddenly someone yanked on Hongjoong’s arm, pulling him back. He was confronted with Aunt Minkyung’s incredibly red face, arm raised as if to deliver a slap.

“How dare you show such disrespect, you ungrateful—”

“Let me through!” Cousin Seyong’s voice broke through the chaos as he pushed past the crowd and pulled Hongjoong out of his mother’s firm grip. “No time, he needs to get ready.”

Confused but grateful to be whisked away from the confrontation, Hongjoong followed Seyong into the private wing occupied by the master of the hall and his immediate family, where Hongjoong had spent the night previously.

Yujung was there waiting and shushed Hongjoong before he could ask anything, scanning him up and down.

“Look at you, you’re filthy.”

He had nothing to say on the matter, so he let himself be scrubbed, washed, rinsed, and dressed. He had to admit as he stood in his best clothes and let Yujung wrangle his hair into something presentable, that it felt kind of nice. Something he had missed.

“You’re taking care of me.”

It sounded like a statement but underneath the emotionless exterior it was a question.

“Well, nothing’s decided. Not until this evening.”

They still had a funeral to get through. 

Hongjoong nodded quickly and steeled himself. There was no guarantee of anything anymore. He knew that the moment the storm split their boat in two.

...

The sky was grey. No sunshine, and no rain. Just another average overcast day.

Everyone was assembled behind Jangwon on a hill facing east, the highest point in the town.

They were there, bathed in incense and dressed in grave clothes. They had already been bound in shrouds and waited to be lowered into the ground, with a final nail driven into the coffin lid symbolising the finality of their departure from this world. Those bodies weren’t Hongjoong’s parents anymore.

Uncle Ryeowook was reading off a speech about them, their achievements and contributions to Panhang, their dedication to their family and community, and most of all their tragic reminder to be cautious on the sea.

He said nothing about their kindness or their sense of humour. He wouldn’t remember them by their patience as teachers or their example of bravery. He didn’t know those things about them.

One by one, visitors came up and bowed twice to pay their respects. Hongjoong recognised nearly everyone, and tried not to make eye contact with his former friends and classmates. 

His old neighbour Bosung placed a hand on his shoulder silently but left without saying anything else. Hongjoong was glad for it- the fewer awkward conversations, the better. Who knew what would become of those relationships, cut off and fizzled into nothingness once he became prisoner at his family’s behest. 

Tuning out the loud wails of the women and turning away from the solemn faces of the men, Hongjoong’s eyes went to the ocean, imagining his parents waiting for him to hurry up and get on the boat so they could set sail and start their day.

When the guests dispersed to drink and stuff their faces with ceremonial food, Hongjoong lingered to bow one last time.

It was deep and long and full of emotions and apologies. The tears he kept at bay.

As he stood, he pictured them casting off without him, leaving him behind to explore fairer shores.

But it was alright, he could be patient.

He’d join them when it was time.

He wasn’t overwhelmed with sadness anymore; he was quietly but fiercely angry. 

Nothing Mother and Father needed to know about.

... 

“I know about the gossip.”

An embarrassed Yujung turned from where she had been scolding a whispering servant and faced Hongjoong.

He kept talking, mindlessly slicing into pieces of fruit but neglecting to eat them.

“They throw the word orphan around, they say I’ll never inherit anything. That I’m no better than a servant in my own home.”

“It doesn’t matter what they say,” Yujung insisted, shooing away the servants before they could do anymore harm and sitting down across from him, grabbing his arm with conviction.

The action shocked him into slicing himself, flinching at the small trickle of blood coming from his hand. The wound barely registered as Yujung hurriedly snatched up a handkerchief and pressed it to the cut. Hongjoong simply shook his head and went on, “But it’s true. In the best case scenario, I’ll be granted some form of independence until I can escape and take care of myself.”

“Don’t speak like that,” Yujung scolded quietly, with a lot less vigour than anyone else in the Hall would’ve. “We want what’s best for you.”

“Maybe you want what’s best for me,” Hongjoong chuckled dryly. “No one else in this house does.”

He had been snacking on leftover fruit from the funeral all afternoon while his aunts and uncles entertained their guests and then shut the study door again so they could discuss his future living arrangements.

Eventually even Yujung had to leave and give them her opinion. Hongjoong didn’t have much hope in her ability to better his situation, not after what happened last time.

One of the servants came and called him to the room at half past six.

Now was the part when they stopped talking about him behind his back and invited him to the face to face conversation.

Uncle Ryeowook beckoned him forward around the side of the desk and so he went, ignoring the eyes he could feel on him.

“Assuming you don’t want to be sent to an orphanage, we’ve come up with a solution, Hongjoong.” 

He said it like he should be grateful for such merciful intervention.

“We think you’ll like it,” Aunt Minkyung added from behind her husband. “Very much in fact.”

Aunt Ajung got straight to the point, reading from the legal document the assembled family members had drafted up. “Technically, you’ll be in the custody of the master of the hall, that’s Ryeowook, but Seyong and Yujung will be your primary caretakers until they have children of their own, as Ryeowook and Minkyung have little time and patience for another child.”

Well, that was a relief.

“Your education will continue under the family tutor, but at your age we’ll be expecting you to work for your keep. In the fields, or the mines, or the kitchens— wherever you’re needed. It will depend on the day.”

It was bare minimum provision, with the slight advantage that he’d be in the care of the least abhorrent of his relatives, but bare minimum nonetheless.

Aunt Minkyung smiled a tight smile at him like she was confused why he wasn’t on his knees thanking them. “It’ll be useful to have someone so flexible helping to run Jangwon!” She explained cheerfully.

Hongjoong knew what they were playing at.

He was old enough to take on responsibility but young enough not to be granted freedom.

He was well bred enough to be taught social graces but low enough on the ladder to work for free.

So he simply bowed to each of his superiors, extra deeply to Seyong and Yujung, and padded upstairs silently like the outcast he was.

Minutes or hours later- he couldn’t be sure- his new guardians came to find him sitting by the window watching the sun shrink behind the clouds.

The mysterious stranger’s prediction had been right. The second storm was arriving after all.

Cousin Seyong cleared his throat uncomfortably and tried to offer some condolence. “I’m sorry, it’s the best we could do...”

“But I did push for them to give you more time,” Yujung broke in. “Time to, you know, grieve and... and integrate with the routine here... all of that.”

Hongjoong turned to face them and forced a smile. “Thank you,” he said, and he meant it. The meeting could’ve turned out a lot worse. “Is there any way I’ll be allowed out on my own from now on?”

The couple glanced at each other indecisively. They’d never been parents, they hadn’t the first clue how to proceed with respects to a boy already approaching his teens.

“Well, you’ve run away once, I wouldn’t put it past you to do so again,” Seyong sighed honestly. “Perhaps as long as you stay away from the cliffside and the beach...”

“Provided you tell us when and where,” Yujung amended quickly. “And you’re always encouraged to bring someone with you.”

“Not that you’ll have much time for wandering anyway,” Cousin Seyong pointed out, pulling the curtains shut, blocking Hongjoong’s view of the coast, and preparing to leave the room. “You’ll be busy with lessons and work and such.”

Keeping him occupied so he couldn’t cause trouble. That was the plan.

Hongjoong nodded his acceptance of the conditions and bade both of them goodnight. 

They were worried about him, he could see that, but things were off to such a clumsy start, Hongjoong didn’t put much on their ability to control him.

Not when he already had a destination in mind.

For most of the day he’d sat alone while chaos ensued around him. There would be a small window of time for him to get away unseen but he knew the road well.

As he lay awake, he thought of the family moving into his cottage tomorrow morning. They would have no idea what it had once been like. Maybe they would even move the furniture or change the decorations.

It wouldn’t hurt to simply observe the proceedings from a safe distance, he decided. 

Rain was falling on the windows, and his pillow had grown wet, but only from his own tears. 

His aunts always told him not to cry, but they weren’t around to admonish him.

For once, he was happy to be alone.

...

A/N: Another sombre update from me :,) Forgive me if the chapters are sparser because of school. Don’t forget to like and rb <3

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[shannygoatgruff]

My Brother’s Keeper - Chapter XI

Genre: Psychological Thriller

Modern Ivar X Modern Hvitserk

Rating: MA+18

Overall Warning:  Dark story told from an emotionally distributed person’s POV with graphic and sadistic material including rape, terror, torture, kidnapping, drug use, slash, implied incest, necrophilia, and insecurity. Heavy trigger warnings.  

Chapter Warning:  Character devolving.Graphic sex. Torture. Rape Necrophilia.  Heavy trigger warnings!

Summary: Mama always said to be their brothers’ keeper. Now there is absolutely nothing these two won’t do for each other.  Boys will be boys…

A/N: This chapter might be a hard read, but it's supposed to be because Hvitserk is devolving. It's hard to explain without giving too much of the story away, but trust me, there's a reason for this. I hope I did a good job showing the struggle within the character.  

Chapter XI

I don't remember this ever being so stressful. Maybe it's because we've never taken two of them before.  Well, we’ve had two in the same night, but never two at the same time.

I thought it was logistically impossible, but Ivar had everything planned to the letter. He's brilliant – a tactical genius. Just being able to think of every move before it happens, all of the calculated risks, even the reactions…if I could have his looks, charisma, and his brains?  I’d be the total package.  

Even though every part of the plan worked perfectly, there’s still something nagging at me.  All of this feels off. Of course, Ives says it’s because I’m just a creature of habit, but I think it’s more than that.  We’re doing all kinds of stuff that we have never done before. We’re breaking rules, making shit up…

I’m all for him being spontaneous, but for the first time since we were kids, I can’t read him.  Normally, we’re on the same page when it comes to this.  We know what the other is thinking by a look or a head nod – but right now?  I don’t know what the hell is going on.  

He came up with this plan and didn’t tell me about it.  He just did shit. Naturally, it worked out; it’s Ivar.  But, he just did it...without me.  

He said he didn’t want to burden me with the details, that I’ve been so stressed lately, that he just wanted me to sit back and enjoy.  I know and trust that he would never do anything to hurt me, and that he always has my best interests in mind, but it’s a little scary not being able to be inside his head. 

It’s empty when I can’t feel him. 

This bond we share, not as brothers, but as soul mates - being two life forces that are perfectly in-tuned with every aspect of each other…that feeling...he’s slipping away from me.  

Now, he’s doing shit that he knows I don’t like. Take drugging them for example – I’m not into that. There’s a big difference between getting high with someone and drugging them. When we get high together, they get to pick their party favor, sit back, and enjoy the ride.  It makes our night together so much more fun because we’re both in an alternate reality before anything ever gets started. It’s kinda like Star Treking through the Twilight Zone.  

But when you drug a person, you’re taking away their choice.  They don’t know what the fuck is going on.  They’re all spacey and shit, and I can’t tell if they really want to be there with me, or if it’s the drugs talking.  I need them to be able to make the choice. I need them to submit to me and not give up because they’re high.

I know I’m being a bitch about this.  He was just doing the best he could to make sure we got both of them.  I can’t help but to try to think that had to have been another logical way to do this.

I wonder if Ivar knows that I went inside their house last night?  I bet they didn’t know that their bilco doors weren’t locked, or that Ms. Johnson never fixed that cellar entrance from that time when we got in there to get some of her pills, a few years ago.  Hmm.

I was good.  I didn’t touch anything; I just watched them make love.  She is beautiful and the way she looks at him is enough to make me want to lick her face.  Her body is amazing. I could tell that from when she was standing in the back yard, but naked?  Dainty, pale skin, soft curves...she’s gentle and he was a little too rough with her, for my tastes.   

His body was the direct opposite of hers.  He’s got defined muscles, hard plains, tanned skin. The way he touched her, picked her up, slapped her ass...you don’t manhandle a woman as delicate as her, like that.  It took everything I had not to kill him right there. 

But she seemed to like it.  He turned her.  He destroyed a perfect, angelic being and turned her into his personal blowup doll. That’s why they had come.  I have to save her, and he has to pay.

So, what other choice did we have?  How else were we supposed to get them here?  Drugging them was the lesser of the evils, but fuck...this?  

If it was just slipping them something, I could live with that.  But what the fuck am I supposed to do now?  How am I supposed to go through with this if I know their names and their story? 

I seriously don’t think I can do this anymore.  I mean, I want to. God I really, really want to. But they're like real people now.

I guess it would have been a little weird to just take them out for drinks and not ask them anything about themselves. Well, I didn't ask, not really. That guy, Bishop…what did he say his real name was? Heahmund?  Like I gave a fuck. Well, he decided to tell us all about him and his beautiful wife, Aud. And because that shit for brains doesn’t like the natural lull in conversations, we had to find out all about how they just got married and moved out here. 

He's from up North and she’s from the back East and apparently, they met someone in the middle, blah, blah, blah...  I don’t care about their life story.  But I do care that their families back home are going to miss them.

Just talking to them was weird, too. Usually, people only talk to Ivar. But them? They were talking to me, like looking at me and everything. And the way Aud’s eyes twinkled every time she said, Fitz, it was like…wow.  I just wanted to keep hearing her say my name over and over again.  I almost told her my whole name, just to hear what it sounds in her mouth. 

I want to eat my name off her tongue.  God, that would be fucking amazing.

Maybe that’s why I started getting hot and dizzy when they got up to dance, and Ivar opens the capsules and dumps the contents into their drinks.  I just wanted her to say my name one more time, without being drugged. 

"Now!" Ivar's voice fills the cabin and pulls me out of my head. My eyelids feel heavy as I open them. My neck doesn't start to hurt until I reposition myself in this chair. From this new position, I realize that this guy is naked and handcuffed. He’s wearing the dog collar around his neck and Ivar is holding the end of the leash in his hand, practically dragging him around the room. 

But, what is that damn rattling noise? Wait, are those the leg shackles? Where the hell did they come from? I thought Ivar got rid of those things months ago. 

It hurts my neck, but I still strain it to look around them until I can find Aud. 

There she is, sprawled out on the mattress, her arms tied to the metal grates of the fireplace, and her legs are tied to something that Ivar has sticking out of the floor. What in the hell is that, anyway? Whatever it is it looks sturdy enough. 

I must say, Ivar's been doing a lot of work fixing this place up. He must have spent a lot of time here when I was out of it before. The lights in the ceiling work…they flicker but, at least, they're on. Most of the other shit has been cleared out, too. Between cleaning up this place and taking care of me, where does he find the time to do anything for himself?  I really need to do a better job of taking care of him.

Bishop’s muffled voice is weak as just before he falls over when Ivar puts the cattle prod to his chest. If only there was a way to make him understand that my brother would just as soon electrocute him for the hell of it - it would be in his best interest to just follow along. 

If dude thinks it’s bad now, just keep defying, Ivar. He’ll learn.

The sound of my chair leg scratch along the floor makes Ivar’s head turn toward me.  His smile splits his face in half and he offers me a wink. "Glad you decided to join us. You woke up just in time." Now that he has an audience, I know he is not going to hold back.  

Truth be told, I’m a little sad about that fact. I kinda liked them, Aud & Bishop.  It might have been nice to have some friends or possibly get to know some people that Thora and I could go out with as a couple or something.  I’d like to hang around some regular couples to see how they do things, get some tips on how to be normal.  Judging by how far things went while I was out, there doesn’t seem to be much hope for that now, though.  

Oh, well.  It’s not like I can do shit about it now; unless blacking out counts. That seems to be all I can do lately. That must be why I'm sitting over here in this lumpy ass chair in this corner, like a child on punishment.  I don’t even really remember what happened.  One minute Aud was sucking me off and her husband was calling for her.  Then I was sad because his voice was breaking my heart.  Next thing I know, I’m waking up here, just in time to watch my brother break my two new friends.  

"You with me, brother?  Come over here, you gotta see how cool this is.” Ivar's face turns from pleasant to harsh when looks back at Heahmund, "I told you to get over there and fuck her. Now!  Don’t make me tell you a third time." Did I wake up on planet Quaddork?  Ivar usually does the torturing, but now he’s going to use them to do it to each other? 

It’s a brilliant idea, but shit if I don’t feel bad about it. 

My legs are wobbly, but I make my way over to the mattress and I swear Aud's eyes remind of Thora's when she's afraid. Just the way she's looking at Heahmund to save her, like a kid who needs their daddy to protect them from the things that go bump in the night…fuck. Out of instinct, I kneel down and touch her bare her foot. Even if I can't help her, I just want her to know that I'm here. 

She's so scared, but I want her to know that she doesn’t have to be scared of me, “It's okay Thora. I'm not going to hurt you." I need to find her clothes. Her body is on display. Every man in this room, including me, can see her entire naked body.  This isn’t right.  She needs to be covered up, at least part of her, at all times.  When she’s naked, she becomes the parts and the reaction I need and not the woman that I want. She can't be like that.  Especially not here and definitely not around my little brother.

"If you don't fuck her, he will." Ivar's voice is harsh causing the tears to run faster from her eyes. "They think I'm fucking around, Serk. Why don’t you show Bishop, here, how it's done?"

I love Thora and I make love to her all the time. But not like this and I won’t do it in front of him. I have to keep something separate, something for myself. "Ivar, please.  Keep Thora out of this."

"Aud." Ivar has the leash wound tightly in his hand as he kneels beside me. He strokes my hair and whispers in my ear. "Her name is, Aud."

I nod my head, "Right." That is her name, Aud. 

Fuck Aud. She's not Thora. My hand trails her leg and when I reach her hip I hear a scuffle behind me. Bishop is trying to get at me. I guess Ivar’s trying to stop this from happening. I don't know how he managers it, but somehow he’s gotten the larger man on the ground and when he nods his head, I know what he wants me to do. I cover her body with my own and before anything happens, I remove the ball gag from her mouth. "It'll be over soon. I promise."

"Please help me, Fitz?" Her whisper makes my heart skip a beat. I stroke her hair back and focus on her face as she sobs her request. She's so pretty.  So innocent. Ivar doesn't understand, we have to protect the innocent ones. 

"It's okay, Thora.” I close my eyes as I kiss her forehead.  “I'm here.” My thumbs trace the side of her face and I wedge my hips in between her legs. 

I just need to look at her for a moment. I want to take in all of this innocence before I possess it.

I hear screaming behind me and it makes me turn around.  My brother looks satisfied, he must have gotten his way from the man in the collar. "If you want him to stop, you know what you have to do." He gives the leash some slack before yanking it down forcing the man to kneel on the mattress.  Holding his hand out to me, Ivar motions for me to come to him, "You'll have her soon, Serky. Let her husband have a turn."

As soon as her body is exposed again, I realize she's not Thora. She doesn't look like her; her body is not like Thora's. She's laid out and waiting for another man. Thora would never do something like this whore in front of me. Instead, she would be putting up a fight, trying to keep what we have sacred. She wouldn't betray me and lay with someone else.

"Heahmund?" She cries as he says muffled words into the bend of her neck, slowly positioning himself on top of her. He's taking his time, trying his best to stall. Little does he know, he’s just going to piss Ivar off more. I can't take my eyes off of them. All this human interaction is marvelous. "Just do what he says and he'll let us go," her words come out weak and choppy as she tries to reassure him.

"No, he won't," Ivar laughs at my statement. He’s squeezing my shoulders and cracking the fuck up like I just told the joke of the fucking century.  I have to admit, his laughter is making me start to giggle, "He's never gonna let you go."

She turns those hopeful eyes towards me and suddenly it’s not funny anymore. "But, you can, right, Fitz?”  Why is she nodding at me? Does she want me to agree with her? “I promise we won’t say anything.  Please, help me?”  

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Ivar's boot come down on Bishop's hip. "I gave you an order, slave," his voice is so calm and even that it scares me.  I know that tone – this is the calm before the storm.  If this guy doesn’t get his shit together, Ivar’s going to get angry.  

I don’t even know to describe what it looks like when Ivar’s angry.  That time a few weeks ago, when he had a tantrum because he wanted to go out is nothing compared to when he loses control.  It’s like his eyes cloud over to this shade of blue that’s not known to man, and his normally electrifying smile makes him look psychotic.  That’s why I usually go into another room when Ivar works.  I love to see him happy, but I hate watching him become a monster.   

For my little brother to be such a beautiful man, his monster is so ugly.  I hate the way it twists his face and how it sucks all the good out of him.  It’s like he just becomes a black void, that can only destroy.  I know it sounds crazy, but when Ivar’s monster takes control, he’s so ugly because he forgets he loves me.  

Judging from the slow transformation in his features, I’d say Bishop’s only got a few minutes to get his shit together before Ivar starts turning, "Just fuck her, like you hate her." I don't know why I'm trying to help him. Maybe it's because I know what he's feeling. I know damn well what I'd be feeling if it was me and Thora.

Bishop pleads with her eyes and she permits him to hurt her. He's slow about it. He's trying to make it as pleasurable as possible, considering. He shouldn’t deviate from the script, just do what the fuck he’s been told. Oh well, I tried to help him. He's not listening to my advice, that’s just too bad for them.  Any and everything Ivar does to them now will be on his head. All he had to do was follow the rules. Just let Ivar be in control without trying to be the hero. Now it's his ass. Literally.

Without warning, Ivar shoves the cattle prod into him, causing him to push violently into Aud, making her scream. I can’t stop laughing at the fact that Ivar's going to shock him from the inside until he gets his desired reaction. 

"I said fuck her." He sends another shock to help coax him along.  It’s not until the husband is behaving like a good boy, does Ivar pat floor next to him for me to join him.

I trust that Ivar knows what he’s doing.  I’m sure that he wants me beside him, getting a front-row view because there’s a lesson here that I need to learn.  I’m just too tired and confused to concentrate on it.  My mind keeps wandering and I can’t seem to stay fully in this moment.  

As soon as my head lands on his lap, his strong fingers gently rub my scalp.  It’s almost enough to make me want to go back to sleep.  Only, I can’t stop watching this man fuck his wife with so much force because he's afraid to have me do it. I don’t know if I’m enjoying this.  It’s a little too fucked up, even for me. 

"Punch her." I didn’t even realize how heavy my lids were until Ivar’s voice broke my concentration.  He’s just saying the first thing that jumps in his head, now. I can tell by that boyish chuckle of his.  Sending another shock to Bishop makes him react like a trained monkey. Each time he sends a charge, Aud gets another punch to her face.  Each punch she gets, makes Ivar laugh. Every laugh from him, makes me wrap my arms around his waist tighter, and smile.

I can't tell who's crying harder, him or her...poor things. 

Ivar's entire body shakes under my head as he laughs, but he never stops massaging my scalp.  It’s the weirdest, most comforting sensation.  I wonder if it feels like that for him, too.  "Good dog.  Now, choke her." His Pavlovian response technique seems to be working because he doesn’t even need to shock this guy into playing out his fantasy. 

Without any more guidance than just Ivar’s words, a large hand wraps around his wife’s throat, but he’s not applying any pressure.  “That’s not hard enough to choke somebody,” Did I just say that?  I was thinking about it, but why did the words come out of my mouth?  I don’t want him to hurt her.  I like her.  I have to protect her.  If anything, I want to hurt him for hurting her.  But, maybe this was his way of trying to keep her safe.  Maybe by not choking her, he thought he was appeasing my brother and protecting his wife. 

The only problem with his plan is Ivar knows it’s not hard enough to cut off her oxygen supply. "I'm sick of repeating myself to you, dog. You will learn to do what I say." This time when he shocks him, he doesn't let off of the button. He sends the shock waves throughout Bishop’s body in a way that makes the muscles in his hand stiffen, locking around Aud's throat.

Those eyes. All of that innocence seeping out of those eyes with each tear that rolls down her pretty face. She was so beautiful. So angelic. Now she's nothing. Those large eyes are fixed in my direction, staring lifelessly at me, begging me to help her. "Thora?" I reach my hand forward but she doesn't respond.

"You see what he did, Hvitserk? He killed Thora." Ivar's voice is soothing as he tries to console me through my grief.  All the loving and coddling in the world can’t fill this empty void suddenly growing inside me.  I know what I need to do. This man was twice her size and he raped and strangled this beautiful, innocent creature. 

He is evil. "You thought he was your friend, Serk. But now Thora's dead because of him. He needs to be punished."

I stand to my feet in one swift motion and I kick him in the ribs. I watched him kill her. All she wanted was for him to protect her, but he was too weak to do that. Well, I’m not weak. 

He is going to pay for failing her. 

The cattle prod lands with a crash across the room and I'm inside of him faster than he can recover from it. "You like raping women? Do you like how it feels?" I pound into him ignoring his cries. My weight, on his back, lands him on top of her and he gently shakes her body to try to wake her up. "She's dead, fucker! This is your fault!  Why didn't you just fucking listen?" I grunt my words because I'm so angry. How could he let that happen on his watch? He didn't deserve her.

The leash is wrapped so tightly around my hand that the blood no longer circulating in it. With each thrust, I pull back on it until I start to hear the bones in his neck crack under the pressure. He can't die soon enough.

"That's it, Hvitserk. Just like that." Ivar coos from behind me, his lips gently grazing my neck.  I know that panting sound he makes when he’s jerking off. When I look over at him, I feel myself smile at the sight of his hand vigorously stroking his cock. The harder he jerks, the harder I thrust. It's like we're finally in sync again, pumping rhythmically with each other.

I didn't understand what he was trying to show me before, but now I do. People like Bishop, the strong ones, they deserve this. They are ones that the world bows to because they're charismatic and exude a presence that people like me don't have; they deserve to be taught a lesson. Ivar has shown me that I'm stronger than I think and that it's my job to let the rest of the world know my strength.

It has nothing to do with the act; this all about power. No matter how many muscles Aud’s husband has or how tough he thinks he is, I'm more powerful than him. She should have known that, too. She should have chosen me to be with, not him. They made the wrong choice by overlooking me. Now they have no choice, I'm the last thing they'll ever see.

Bishop's lifeless body lies limp in the corner until Ivar decides what he's going to do with him. Right now, he sees fit to just stare at him while smokin a joint and listening to music. I, on the other hand, can't get enough of Aud. I don't understand how I could confuse her with Thora before. 

Maybe it was something I took before I left the house or maybe it was the helpless, innocent way she looked at me. Whatever it was, I’ve never met someone that could blur everything around me like that. For the briefest moment, I couldn't tell what was real and what was just in my head. Right now, though, being inside her now, I know the truth.

She feels just as soft and just amazing as I thought she would. She didn't see me before, but now she does. I've shown her more care and love that fucking coward she married ever could.

It’s because I need her to see that I can take of her that I can’t stop indulging in her. It’s almost like I need to show her that I’m worthy of the gifts that she's given me. She helped me get back my confidence. 

She showed me how to find my strength, and she gave me back my power.  

My new neighbor, Aud, saved me.

I want her to feel how much I appreciate everything she's done for me. Every time I cum, I'm hard again, just thinking about what freedom feels like. If I could figure out a way to consume her so she would never leave me, I would…I just don’t want this feeling to ever go away. I've already licked her; tasted her; bit her; cut her and loved her. What other way is there to make her a part of me?  

She drove the hunger away. It's not just fed, it's gone. She did that for me. She gave me a chance to have a normal life.

Aud sacrificed herself to cure me. I will forever be in her debt.

Kissing her mouth hungrily, I turn her head to have her eyes focus on me. "Thank you." When I roll on my back to look up at the ceiling, I notice Ivar's smiling face looking down at me. "Did you have fun tonight?”

I look at the hole at the ceiling before cutting my eyes back at him.  Rubbing my bare chest I start to laugh, "Ives, tonight was fucking awesome!”  Gently placing a hand on Aud’s thigh, I give it a light squeeze, “Thanks, brother. I needed that.”

“Of course,” he says, winking his eye at me, “I will always be my brother’s keeper.”

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[cowboyshit]

@adampage tumblr did a dumbass thing and messed up the read-more to where I couldn’t put it under one so I had to delete your ask and I’m making a separate post for this disaster of a ramble hoooo boy i hope you’re ready for what you’ve unleashed

adampage  asked: ma’am I know you’re high off your rocker but if you have time would you please critique hangman’s playlist for me bc I want to know your thoughts 🥰 anyway yeehaw

OH MY GOD yes???? yes I fucking WILL?????? let’s just pump the breaks on what i was doing right the fuck now, get his playlist in front of me (even though ive been listening to it nonstop and have so many things to ALREADY SAY) and talk about this shit. im sorry if this isn’t coherent im pry just gonna ramble. (edit to add now that I’m done: ITS FREAKING 3252 WORDS LONG LMAO OH MY GOD)

first and foremost. I Love It. let’s just slap that down. get that out of the way. ITS SO GOOD. SO FUCKING GOOD. also this is going under a readmore cause YEAH. it’s THAT LONG.

let’s start first with mr. adam ‘i taught graphic design when i was 20 and learned adobe illustrator and photoshop to design my own tshirts when i was an indie wrestler’ page’s cover image. wait. no. back up - look at the profile image he chose for his profile. it’s not a selfie. it’s not a picture he snapped with his camera. it’s a screenshot of the “has been drinking” moment on aew dynamite. what a lovable FOOL. he really saved that and put that as his profile pic im skjdfkjfd okay now swing back to the anxious millenial design with the signed hangman adam page for the cover. he designed that. I swear he did. I swear he did that. I could be wrong but I just feel it in my bones. that was him. also, THAT should have been the vintage shirt. cowboy shit is cute but ANXIOUS MILLENNIAL COWBOY? I NEED THAT AS THE SHIRT!

okay now let’s get into the songs. wait. before i go through it I do want to say something about the playlist overall.

I can’t decide if this is because he shares so many similarities to the character hangman adam page, but so many of these songs apply to his character like, this fucking playlist plays like a hangman adam page THE CHARACTER playlist. like this is the playlist i’d find on 8tracks back when that was the “thing” in fandom where every song makes me go “OMG THAT IS THAT CHARACTER” like. I don’t know if he did that purposefully as an extension of the character? or if it just happens to line up because of how similar he is and his story is to his character but SOME of these songs wooooo boy they get deep dont they? when you compare them to the character?

okay. songs.

so I know some of these, especially the classics, summertime of course, but for the ones I didn’t know I love them so much. they have such a vibe that just fits him, and they’re all so good???

rather low by nick shoulders is one I didn’t know and I fucking LOVE it. and look. it goes from Long Time Gone by the Dixie Chicks. Long Time Gone about being away from the country life, from home and if my THEORY is right about this playlist hitting the character, hangman is struggling with being lost, without a family. it goes from that to rather low, which talks about not being welcome at home. like “I told you once I told you twice, I’m steeped in verse and cursed in vice” ajdskjds GOOD lyrics. beat slaps. song slaps. I love it.

okay so we go roll on mississippi which is soft compared to the two upbeat songs that just hit us before. calms you down after that high energy beat rather low had. lets you breathe. AND it’s got a sad, soft, longing pull to it, falling in with more of those “lost” from home themes. “You're the childhood dream that I grew up on. Roll on Mississippi, carry me home. Now I can see I've been away too long.” UGH! and also, it’s just a good fucking song.

then we go to a song i haven’t heard and love, going places by aubrie sellers. it’s a little bit funkier, but still soft. also groovy as FUCK. and it obv talks about GOING places. so maybe the first three songs were about the home he’s left behind, but now it’s about where he’s going. and man this song just SLAPS.

A CLASSIC is next, 1970 something illegal smile by john prine. it has that classic soft croon, such a good country sound and it’s a little bit playful. it makes you wanna smile and sway back and forth. it’s a good song. fun. but it’s almost a little bit. dark? “ Won't you please tell the man I didn't kill anyone. No, I'm just tryin' to have me some fun. Well, I sat down in my closet with all my overalls, tryin' to get away from all the ears inside my walls. I dreamed the police heard everything I thought, what then?” it just makes me think of when his character “killed” joey ryan. I could be looking too far into it but, that’s what popped into my head.

OKAY NOW this next one. fuck yeah I DIG this song. I hadn’t heard this song and it quickly went into my liked songs. and if we’re following his character, the lyrics hit HARD. “ I've lost the will to try this worthless lullaby. Its melody won't fly me past oblivion. I bet it would be nice to find that paradise, a world of sparkling light beyond the setting sun. But I don't dream anymore” ugh !!!!!!! UGGGHH!! SO GOOD?? and even the slight upbeat to it. “would if I could but I don’t dream anymore” uuuuggghhh SO GOOD. love this song. one of my faves of the whole list for sure.

the next two back-to-back are CLASSICS and fit the hangman adam page character so damn perfect. i’ve even looked at lyrics from merle haggard’s i don’t want to sober up to night for adam in the past akjfdkjdsf it’s fucking perfect. and then followed by dwight yoakam’s honky tonk man?! amazing. we go from from fucking heart-wrenching lyrics if you think about them for him: “ I don't want to sober up tonight. I don't want to act like things are alright, and I don't want to change just to make you think I'm happy. That's my right, I don't want to sober up tonight. I want to keep my mind a little hazy. I don't care if all my friends think I'm crazy. The way I treat myself I might be a little crazy But that's alright, I don't want to sober up tonight. I'm here to drown another day of misery. I'm in here to spend one night without a mem'ry and the way I'm drinking now there won't be any memory. But it's alright, I don't want to sober up tonight” to HONKY TONK MAN. HONKY. TONK. MAN. “ Well I'm a honky tonk man and I can't seem to stop. I love to give the girls a whirl to the music of an old jukebox, but when my money's all gone, I'm on the telephone singing, hey hey mama can your daddy come home?” ajhsdjksdjkf like. look. partying hangman, drunk, swinging a girl around in the country bar???? cause he refused to sober up and just wanted to have fun? anyways regardless if there’s a connection or if im reaching, these are some good classics to pull out right here. honky tonk man will ALWAYS bring the party back up.

another song I didn’t know but now love? happy reunion by colter wall? this is a good freaking cowboy song??? and it’s a cute story???? about what a cowboy does during his day??? what the fuck? riding along the range with his dog, helping the cow, getting the calf back that’d gotten lost???? CUTE? anyways this is a vibin as HELL song and if it’d come out when I was still raising cows my ass woulda been blasting this shit as I drove to feed the herd for SURE. this song is a whole ass vibe and I’m digging it.

okay. walk through fire by yola? another i didn’t know (which - so far it seems all the songs that arent classics - spare dixie chicks - are from 2019) and I am obsessed with???? it’s so good? and fuck just such a good love song??? “Standing on the side of the river. Staring across the great divide. I'd give all my gold and silver just to get to the other side. Your love is like a rescue vessel, carries me through the night through these flames of destruction. I know you're gonna make it right. I know, I know you're gonna save my life.“ LIKE? HENLO????????? FUCK!!!! THATS SO GOOD. that whole song I could post all the lyrics tbh. and the way she CROONS it ugh. yeah. I love that song.

FUCKIN YES. DOLLY FUCKIN PARTON. youre not gonna make a country playlist and not include a dolly parton song boy i KNOW IT. and the song choice??? hm? remind you of a CERTAIN COWBOYS STRUGGLE WITH NOT HAVING A HOME???? “What difference does it make which way I go, got an empty feelin' down inside. Still I need to stay alive and who can tell what waits beyond this road. I'm a drifter” ajdfshjsd god I love dolly. and of COURSE he does too. i’m so pleased by this choice I can’t stop smiling. ugh. love this. love dolly.

sandpaper oneside, rubber other by the bobby tenderloin universe what do you know? another 2019 song I didn’t know and yet absolutely LOVE. I also am loving how he does a mix of classics with newer (but still almost classic-country sounding, maybe like. classic meets modern) country music in this playlist. AND WHAT A SONG. it’s so good? and again, just makes me think of the character. “there are two minds inside me. that’s one life too many. but i keep moving slow on both sides, strong as I can be.” tell me that doesnt make you think of hangman adam page. and it has such a... sad vibe. “i cant believe the things i am. as much a lion as a lamb” !!!!!!!!!!! ugh such a GOOD LINE. THAT SLAPS. LOVE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ugh this song. especially the back vocals of the woman that comes in later on? it’s like. ethereal. beautiful. fucking beautiful and almost haunting. paired with the sad lyrics? UGH. gorgeous.

long white line by sturgill simpson i do know and LOVE and it’s got a fun, uplifting cowboy beat following the more slow, sad croon of the last song. it’s SO COUNTRY. the way it’s sung? SO COUNTRY. and also ajdfskjsd adam. “I woke up my baby was gone without her I don't need no home” and “Gonna' push this rig 'til I push that girl out of my mind. If somebody wants to know what's become of this so and so tell em' I'm somewhere looking for the end of that long white line” kjdjkfdkjf this is just such a country song, and it fits SO well, especially after that previous pick.

now we go from two new songs to another classic. another (i think) 1970s country hit. lonesome, on’ry and mean is SUCH a classic country song. it has that good old sound, and the story it tells too. and just, I can’t stop thinking about hangman just “ Been driving these highways, been doing things my way. It's been making me lonesome on'ry and mean.” ajdskjflkf it’s fair to say that character IS lonesome, on’ry and mean right now. anyways, fun country song regardless and I DIG the addition.

okay back to a newer song and holy shit. this is my personal favorite of the new songs he introduced me to. this song I LOVE this song. fuuun FUN beat, makes me want to fucking GROOVE. I love love love this, and I love the way the singer sings? it just makes me wanna UGH. just wanna sway to it. the whine in the croon I just love. and the BEAT. the beat is so fucking good. and the lyrics? “I'm that wholesome Midwestern boy that you want to bring home to your mama. Even though I bring you joy, baby I'm not the toy you wanna play with at night. Too many things I've seen. Too many people and places I've been. I'm thinking about doing those things I shouldn't be doing. Something I've never done before. I want something to fuck me up. Need somebody to fuck me up. Everyone feels like it. Fuck me up, fuck me up, fuck me up” ajdsjkds I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH “Well I might go and get drunk and stoned 'cause it's better than being only crazy. If I ever come back, wherever I end up at is where I was supposed to be.” it’s so perfect for his character it drives me crazy. this is a song I’d listen to and first, groove to, and then be like THIS SONG IS HANGMAN. love this song. absolutely a favorite.

the next song though. the next song. fucking hangman adam page and his love of biscuits. southern biscuits by seasick steve oh. my. god. this BOY. THIS COUNTRY BOY. THIS BISCUIT LOVIN COUNTRY BOY. this is such a damn good addition. not only is it so fucking country, almost. spoken/sung? the soft hum with the fucking banjo??? and of COURSE of course he knows and loves this song I can’t with him. and it hits you with the: “ Southern biscuits, nothin' better in the world 'less they're made for you, by your southern girl.” and I go UWU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

two new songs so guess what? classic time. BALANCE. HE’S KEEPING BALANCE. I swear he’s done this purposefully and I could be crazy I could be giving him more credit than is due but I swear he’s picked the arrangement of songs too. because this is too coincidental. so, we’ve got our classic livin on the run by david allan coe. what a DARK song to go with. about a man who murders a woman and lives on the run (again, can’t help but think of the joey ryan murder thing, but hey. that’s just me grasping for straws) regardless if it ties or not, it’s a good classic and it’s fun to croon to even if its uh. dark but sung like. upbeat? almost???

okay, another classic and, to me, one of the sexiest songs on this playlist. I fucking love this song. it’s sexy with an underlying of dark. she literally seduces and knocks the guy out and robs him blind and he’s STILL craving her summer wine like. this song is SO GOOD. so fucking good. the way the music swells with the storytelling is beautiful. “Strawberries cherries and an angel's kiss in spring, my summer wine is really made from all these things. Take off your silver spurs and help me pass the time, and I will give to you summer wine” is just so ajkdfskjdfs ugh i love this song

and guess what? two classics so we’re swinging to a newer song. left turn on a red light by blackfoot. oof. I didn’t know this song and it hit me, it’s so good and I know im saying that about all of them but Honestly. “ Sun shines down on the desert, and it seems to make my life a haze, and I dream of my childhood sweetheart,and the freedom that I had in those days.” UGH. “ Will I always be a rambler? Will the ones I love always keep tellin' me, "You stare too long in the mirror, son, someday you'll be too blind to see.” HELLO???? those lyrics? SO GOOD. and again applying them to hangman just makes me FERAL SCREAM.

cowboys and hippies by cody jinks is such a hangman song it’s almost unreal. if I was going to REALLY reach I’d say it almost reminds me of the way the crowd pulls him back. “At some old honkytonk bar that I know by the smell, some old drunk on a barstool on a Merle Haggard tune. That's my kind of room. Raising hell with the hippies and the cowboys. They don't care about no trends, they don't care about songs that sell. Yeah, tomorrow I'll be gone, so tonight everybody just sing along, raising hell with the hippies and the cowboys” GOOD LYRICS. this has the same sad undertones too as a lot of these songs have too.

ugh. I love him sincerely for this next one. blue skies is one of my favorite songs, but blue skies by willie nelson? YES. my grandpa used to play willie nelson ALL THE TIME and I love this version. an uplifting song to follow the heavier songs. I’d like to think of a hangman who has the blue skies from now on. all of his blue days gone. this song is such a classic (cover) that just. good pick. I love this.

alright, so we’ve got a classic but he’s chosen the version from bojack horseman which makes me think that might’ve been the first time he heard it, but that’s neither here nor there. stars is a BEAUTIFUL song. and boy am I happy we had blue skies before this cause fuck. how sad? how emotional?????? “People lust for fame like athletes in a game, we break our collarbones and come up swinging, some of us are downed some of us are crowned, and some are lost and never found” fuck. fuck fuck fuck. and the last two lines, thinking about hangman? “So if you don't lose patience with my fumbling around, I'll come up singing for you, even when I'm down.” FUCK. my HEART. good pick but OUCH. good but ow.

summertime by orville peck is next BLESS finally an orville song I was gonna lose it on him if he put a playlist and DIDN’T include an orville song. interesting though he went with summertime, the newest, and not any of the ones off pony. but! it follows stars well. its soft, lull, and the lyrics are so hangman now that I put it in this context. “Catch 'em by surprise and chasin' the horizon, nothing holds me down. Askin', "Where the time's gone?" Dreamin' with the lights on, tryna keep your eyes on something along the rise" anyways I know YOU know this song well it’s so fucking good. has that same soft pull a lot of these songs have. the way that chorus swells though? the secondary vocals??? ugh. yeah this was a great choice, I’m glad he went with summertime. it fits the vibe of this playlist so well.

we’re ending on a song with such a country sound to it (i mean all of these do), a bit more upbeat, a bit more funky. “Some say I'm a wild man, drink too much nectar from the corn” and also “Oh the school, it wasn't for me. I earned my stripes a different way I learned to sing harmony and go play out on the stage” definitely makes me think of hangman for SURE. it’s a funky song to end on, and if you keep listening to the playlist on repeat like I do, it even falls into long time gone really well.

and of course this is assuming you’re meant to listen to them one after the other and not on shuffle. I’m sure it still works on shuffle but I LOVE the flow of this playlist listening to it one after the other.

love this whole playlist. and my identifying it with the character could TOTALLY be reaching, but of course I’m going to think of him and analyze his selection of *these* songs specifically to put out to all of us. out of EVERY song he likes. he didn’t include... hmm cowboy take me away, for example? shoulda been a cowboy??? the vibe of the overall playlist FITS “anxious millenial cowboy” it has an underbelly of sadness to it. and I dig the fuck out of that.

overall 10/10 I love this fucking playlist thank you goodnight

[shinidamachu]

Holding On And Letting Go - Chapter II

Summary: Chapter I |  Chapter II |  Chapter III |  Chapter IV

Word Count: 1049  Genre: angst  Fandom: InuYasha  Pairing: Inukag  Format: multichapter  AO3 Link: 🌹  Fanfic.Net Link: 🌹

“‘S strange.” He said, late in the night — another one without her. They piled up around him. Vicious. Uncaring. It took him right back to his lonely childhood nights, wandering helpless, grieving an irreparable loss and avoiding the monsters in the dark.

Except the monsters were now a ghost who he ran to every three days, begging to be haunted.

The nights then felt as long as the nights now and yet, it was his favorite time to attend the well, knowing the low odd of getting disturbed or caught saying something embarrassing, since the villagers were fast asleep.

“You taught me how to feel again.” He continued, remembering how naturally Kagome teared his guard apart, a guard he had build out of past sorrows and rebuild — even stronger — out of mistrust, made to be impenetrable. “And I did. Mostly for you.” He shrugged. “Now that you ain’t here. What am I supposed to do with it?”

InuYasha waited for the miraculous answer he knew not to come. Not that he believed in miracles or any of the sort — not for someone with the likes of him, anyway —, but because he was truly lost.

All the love he held belonged to Kagome and to Kagome only. It was killing him that he couldn’t just give it to her.

“Sometimes I still boil an extra cup of ramen. And yes,” Kagome answered the comment, made by absolutely nobody, that she knew for sure InuYasha would if he was there. “I know it’s stupid. Old habits die hard, I guess.”

The more time passed by, the less she wanted to think about it. Days, weeks, months. None of it made sense anymore. She sighed and looked outside the wellhouse, a summer breeze agitating the Goshinboku leaves under the sunlight.

“I also keep waiting for you to burst out here and take me away at any moment, complaining I was taking too long, like you always did.”

The fact that he hadn’t, after all this time, was a clear indication that their situation was final, because if he could, Kagome was certain InuYasha would have come for her long ago.

“I wish you would.” She said, ignoring the lifeless well and the truth she couldn’t face just yet.

“You really got me spoiled, I hope you know.”

It was true. Hunting was not nearly as appealing as before and whatever food the humans cooked wasn’t quite as tasteful as hers.

Besides, since Naraku was defeated, InuYasha oddly found himself wanting to settled down in one place, for a change.

The slayer and the monk had already married and started their family there. Shippo spent all of his free time in the village too. Perhaps InuYasha could do the same. It was about time he stopped bother his friends on every cold or moonless night.

“I don’t think they’ll mind if I build myself a hut.” Far enough so that he could keep some peace and quiet, close enough so that he could be there in a heartbeat if trouble comes to them. With space to spare, for the runt to crash if he so wants. InuYasha smiled. Kagome would like that. “Nearby water. I remember how obsessed you are with those baths of yours.”

He blushed at the phrased implication, but never took it back. Simply because he meant it. Of course he did. Kagome has been a part of his future long before he came to realize it and ages before he cared to admit it. InuYasha would be damned if he stopped idealizing how their life together would be like now.

Even if she looked lost for him forever, how was he supposed to believe that when everything was a constant reminder of her?

Every time he stumbled on one of their uninformed old friends they asked about her, not used to seeing one without the other. Every time he wield Tessaiga in battle, he thought about the brave girl who managed to pull it out of his old man’s grave when no one else could. And every time he rested next to the Goshinboku, he played back the day they met in his head.

That was why he kept long exorcism trips with Miroku to a minimum, why he could never leave this place even if the whole village suddenly demanded him to, why he was always praying, dreaming, hoping...

Just in case she comes back.

“Keh, even if they did care, I’d like to see ‘em try and do something about it. ‘Cause I ain’t going anywhere.” InuYasha informed. “Not without you.”

“It’s true what they say, you know?” Kagome rested her cheek on the edge of the Honekui no Ido as the fatigue of a long day finally caught up to her. “You do learn to live with it eventually. What they don’t tell is that you don’t forget. Not ever. You’re on my mind when I less expect, even when you shouldn’t, even when I idly let myself believe I’m moving on… I miss you so much”

The bottom line, however, was that she didn’t want to move on. It could make things easier and maybe her friends would stop pointing out how often she seems to forget to smile lately.

Still, Kagome cultivated his memory pinned deep inside her brain, because the only thing stronger than the need to move on was the fear to forget.

And she was terrified.

In countless occasions she had wished to be an artist, only to immortalize his features when the cruelty of time fatally made it all fade away. The strong jawline, the cute ears, the impossible golden tone of his eyes.

But remembering hurt and Kagome knew InuYasha felt the same way — which made it all worse because she wanted him to be happy. With or without her, his happiness has always been the priority she held highest on the top of her list.

At the same time, the selfish part of her, the one she tried so hard to keep sealed and hidden, was reluctant to let go of whatever little room it had claimed in his heart.

“Don’t forget about me, okay?” She said, eyes closing under the low moonlight that entered through the open door.

Sometimes that selfish part wins.

A/N: thank you so much for reading!

[gaveherhearttotheliontattoo]

Title: Wrong Winchester Turned Right (Part VII)

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader (Female)

Word Count: 2205

Warnings: None that I know of

Prompt: So not really a prompt, I was on Pinterest and I looked up fanfiction prompts and this popped up from a user who I can’t find the account of… Anyways reader jumps on the back of who she thought was her best friend in public but ends up quickly realizing her mistake.

Note: I’m not caught up on Season 13 yet so that’s why it’s not keeping up with the show. Hope you enjoy.

(Read Part I Here, Part II Here, Part III Here, Part IV Here, Part V Here, Part VI Here)

-

You took a deep breath, sinking into the water. You opened your eyes, the chlorine burning only a little in comparison to what you are used to. The dull sounds of the outside world had you closing your eyes, letting the quiet and darkness fill you with a sense of calm.

Dean watched you, you’d been down there for two minutes, at least, how much longer could you actually hold your breath? He dropped his towel next to yours and stepped into the pool, shivering from the cool water. He continued wading out, prepared to pull you up, when you floated to the surface.

“What’s your record?”

“Excuse me?” You smoothed your hair back, squinting at him.

“How long can you hold your breath?”

“Depends on the circumstances, but it’s helpful to practice holding my breath since I never know when something will try to kill me by drowning me.”

Dean shrugged. “I won’t be taking that on any time soon.”

“You know I’d win.”

“Hence why I won’t be taking it on any time soon.”

Laughing you leaned back, letting your body float. You closed your eyes, gently pushing the water with your hands. You kept your eyes closed, even when you felt the broad chest behind you, the strong hands circling around your stomach, pulling you close.  “Dean…” You shivered, unsure if it was from the breeze or the lips on your shoulder.

“Ya know, it’s been a really long day,” Dean said, squeezing you closer.

“At least let me look at you.” Dean spun you, pulling your legs around his waist. You placed your hands on his shoulders, brought your face close to his, close enough the tips of your noses touched. “Sam or Cas could walk out here.”

“We aren’t doing anything.”

“Close enough.”

“Are we?” Dean asked, smiling, pulling your hips closer.

You rolled your eyes but smiled. “Insatiable.”

“You haven’t seen anything yet.” Dean put a hand on the back of your head and crushed his lips to yours.

You yielded to Dean’s attack on your mouth, moving your hands to his neck, letting your fingers play with the hair there. Your mouth opened, letting Dean explore. You were lost in him, so easily. You knew this could only end badly, you were hunters and hunters never got their happy endings.

“I’ve been told I’m not all that before but never has a girl just stopped kissing me.”

You blinked, saw those green eyes clouded with intrigue. “I’m sorry, I got lost in thought.”

“Sorry I couldn’t keep your attention.”

“Oh, don’t be butt hurt, it’s not you.”

Dean massaged your neck with one hand while still holding you close with the other. He walked backwards until he could sit on the steps. He settled you on his lap, placing both his hands on your hips. “What’s wrong?”

To tell the truth would stir another pot you weren’t ready to deal with so you lied. “It’s this case. Something isn’t sitting right with me.”

“We’ve only talked to a few people, it’s only been a day.”

“Something about it seems familiar though.” You shivered, this time you knew it was from the breeze, the setting sun didn’t help either.

“Let’s get back inside, maybe Sam has found some more information.” Dean carried you to your towels. He set you on your feet and then wrapped your towel around your shoulders. Throwing his over his shoulders he pulled you close as you walked back to the room. Inside Dean shoved you towards the bathroom. “You should shower, it’ll help warm you up and it’s not good to keep the chlorine on your skin, it’ll dry you out.”

You smiled and picked up your bag. Once you had the bathroom door shut you let the wheels turn on this case. All these girls, only girls, it reminded you of the vampire case, only there had been men then. What could possibly be taking them, there’s no way they all just up and disappeared without something out of the ordinary happening. As you stripped out of your suit and let the weak warm water from the shower head wash over you you thought about all the possibilities. You’d have to make a list and do some research. Vampire, succubus, incubus…

The door popped open. “(Y/N), hurry up, I can feel the hydration leaving my skin.”

You peaked your head around the curtain “Well, there’s always room for two in here.” You winked at him as his mouth opened. “I was just about finished so if you’ll shut the door I’ll hurry.”

Dean pulled the door shut and grabbed his bag. If it had just been the two of you on this hunt he might have actually joined you in that shower. When you exited the bathroom in jeans and a tank top Dean knew he needed this hunt to end. The more time he spent in close quarters with you the further down the rabbit hole he fell.

“Sam,” you started, picking at a loose string from your shirt, “does something feel off or familiar about this case?”

“I mean, we’ve definitely dealt with missing girls before.”

“There’s just something about this one.”

“(Y/N) you get this way whenever we have a case with missing girls.”

You weren’t sure if you should be offended or not. “So?”

“Just makes me worry about you.”

Sighing you sat in the chair across from Sam and reached across to take his hands in yours. “Don’t worry about me, okay? Just had an odd sense of familiarity is all.”

Sam squeezed your hands before sitting back. “Sorry, can’t help myself. Now, as for this case, we should get some sleep. We’ve got to talk to the townspeople and anyone else who might have known these girls.”

As you crawled onto the far side of the far bed you yawned. Between the days activities and swimming, even for only that short while, you were exhausted. “Where did Cas go?”

“Didn’t say, just left.”

You stretched and then curled up on your side, facing away from Sam. “Get some rest.” You heard the other bed creak as Sam dropped his weight on it. You wanted to make a joke but your eyelids were so heavy, you were so tired you couldn’t even open your jaw to pick on your best friend.

------

You woke up sweating and attempted to kick the blanket off, until you realized you weren’t covered by a blanket but by a man. You pushed at his shoulder, kicked at his shin, but all he did was roll and pull you with him. You had one leg draped over his and an arm wrapped around his chest. You glanced up and had the urge to run your fingers through his hair.

“Whatever you’re thinking, stop.”

Of course he was awake. “I was just thinking about running my fingers through your hair.”

“Go back to sleep (Y/L/N).”

“You’ll have to release me so I can do that, I woke up because I was sweating.”

Sighing, Dean removed his arm from your back but you didn’t roll away from him. “Well?”

You tilted your head and kissed spot right below his ear before rolling off of him.  You shifted your body so you weren’t laying on his arm. You wanted to go back to sleep but you were acutely aware of the man next to you. Despite the sweat you missed the physical contact with him. You turned to face him, purposely getting a little closer.

“Why can’t you ever just go to sleep?”

“Why do you have to be a personal heater?”

Dean dropped his legs off the side of the bed and moved to the air conditioner knob. After he turned it three clicks he walked back over to the bed. “Stand up.”

You didn’t question him. Standing you watched as he pulled the blanket down enough for you to crawl under. As the whirring of the air conditioner started you curled up under the blanket. Dean joined you, pulling the blanket tight against the both of you. It didn’t take long for the cool air to fill the room and you noticed Sam shift and get under his own covers. As the cool air surrounded you you shifted closer to Dean, pressing your back to his side. Dean immediately curled his body around yours, placing his hand low on your stomach.

“Better?”

You snuggled in closer to him, knowing Dean had a smug smile playing across his face. You hated yourself for feeling this needy. “I just happen to sleep better when I have someone next to me.”

“Just someone?”

“Well, sure, sometimes you can only get one bed for the night and Sam and I had to share.”

“You slept with Sam?”

Now it was your turn to have a smug smile play across your face. Dean’s spark of jealousy had you turning to face him. There was a hint of a scowl on his mouth and you were thankful it was dark enough you couldn’t see what those green eyes were saying.

“Yeah, but he knew how to keep his hands to himself,” you paused and placed a hand on his upper arm. “Well, not at first but that lasted for about two seconds, just didn’t feel right.” You felt Dean’s muscle flex beneath your hand.

“You trying to piss me off (Y/L/N)?”

Sighing you squeezed his arm. “I don’t know how to handle what you’re doing to me.”

“So you piss me off?”

You weren’t sure what to do so you backed away and rolled onto your back. It was easier to give Dean shit than to admit you cared for him. You weren’t sure how you got here, it was just a little fun flirtation. How are you supposed to navigate this? You needed to focus on the case. You didn’t have time for anything more than a flirtationship, but the more time you spent with Dean the more you wished for more.

“(Y/L/N)?”

“I’m not trying to piss you off, I just don’t know how to handle this.”

“Handle what?”

“This,” you say pointing between the two of you. “What are we doing Dean?”

“Having fun.” When you didn’t say anything he continued.  “(Y/N), what’s going on?”

“Alright, just let me get this out.” Guess you were stirring that pot after all. “I’ve never been unable to focus on the case I’m on until you showed up. For some reason there’s this pull with you and it’s driving me crazy. At first I thought it was just flirting, a little kissing, but the more time I spend with you the more I want to see where this could go. It’s easier to piss you off, keep you further away than arm's length, than keep falling into this hole.”

You couldn’t even look at him. The silence stretched through the darkness and you immediately regretted saying anything at all. You tossed the blanket off and walked to the bathroom. After turning the lock you sat on the edge of the tub, you couldn’t even look at yourself in the mirror.

“What is wrong with me?”

You remind yourself of the many monsters you’ve taken down, the fact that you’ve never acted like this before over a guy, and that you’re a strong, capable woman. One part of you said you didn’t need a man but the other part of you fought and said wanting one didn’t make you any weaker.

There was a soft knock at the door and then the doorknob jiggled. “(Y/N), please open the door.” You didn’t move from the edge of the tub. “(Y/N) I will kick this door in.”

Knowing he wasn’t lying you got up, flipped the lock, and then sat back on the edge of the tub. You stared down at your hands as you twisted them together. This is embarrassing.

Dean shut the door behind him and then kneeled in front of you. When you didn’t look at him he put a finger under your chin and tilted your head up. “Why are you hiding?”

“Because I feel silly.”

“Why?”

“This is just awkward. We’re hunters, nothing good comes out of relationships.”

“I know plenty of hunters who got their happy endings, but I don’t think we need to worry about that. We just need to live in the moment. (Y/N), if it’s not obvious, I like you. I would like to see where this goes as well.”

“Dean, our lives don’t really create many opportunities to go on dates, to see where things go.”

“I think if we want it enough we can make our lives work with dating and seeing where things go.” Dean takes your hands in his and pulls you up with him. “I’m willing if you are.”

You stared into those green eyes. Were you really considering this? “Nothing ever actually happened with Sam and I, it was just a dig at you.”

Deans smile reached his eyes. “You’re good at goading me.”

“I’m nervous.”

“We can be nervous together.”

“I don’t have a lot of experience in this area.”

“That’s okay, we’re experiencing it together.”