#anyway im writing this from more of an emotional perspective than a logical one... please keep that in mind

[vamptastic]

idk how to explain to people that living in a diaspora sucks and that the prospect of an eternal cycle of expulsions is immensely depressing. i am utterly disgusted by the current actions of the state of israel and basically every single new thing i learn about the founding of israel makes it worse. doesn't make me less sad to let go of the idea of ever living somewhere where i'm not part of a tiny minority in constant risk of danger. even if antisemitism didn't exist it's inherently kind of a bummer to be speaking a different language wearing different clothes and eating different food from everybody around you, forever.

[fairycosmos]

*urgent* I'm feeling really suicidal tonight. I just feel like I cannot survive this and i cannot go on. i have nothing to live for. nothing. I feel so alone and so sad and i just cant do it anymore. I would never kms and I wont do anything stupid. But what do I do about these feelings... I cannot sleep tonight and i just keep crying. please help :(

hey love. im really sorry to hear that. some nights just feel so impossible. it goes beyond words and all conceivable thought. i don't blame you at all for breaking down and crying - while it's painful, it's honestly ok and necessary to process negative emotions. you're not doing anything wrong. the important part is knowing that self destruction won't get rid of them. you feel like you can't go on, you acknowledge it, but you never act on it. you but try your best to cope and practice some self compassion until things feel lighter, usually when the sun comes up, and you can try again. it's a really good sign that you're able to say on a logical level that you won't harm yourself. always hold onto that. do you not what triggered this? what usually distracts/helps/calms you? what do you need in this moment? is there anyone you can call or text? when you're able to, take a deep breath and try to have an honest conversation with yourself. it's alright if you don't have all of the answers. but taking the time to identify short term solutions could really make a difference. if you have to cry or just lie in bed before you get to that point, that's alright too. there's no specific blueprint for his to handle such a dark moment, but ultimately this is just a fleeting moment in your life. and that doesn't mean it's not allowed to hurt but, your worth and experience as a human being is not going to collapse under the weight of your thoughts. instead, you're going to learn as you go. you're so much more capable than you realize. and i don't say that off handedly. you have so much time to figure it out, to become your whole self. and maybe in this moment you don't want that future, and i understand. five more minutes with this feeling doesn't feel worth ten years without it, right? but your life waits for you regardless. and it is ever changing, never set in stone - not doomed to feel as heavy as it all does right now. it's rare to be alive. you have forever to leave it behind. you will get through this because you have the tools to do so, you know? and it's fine if you don't quite believe me, but it doesn't make it any less true.

some suggestions about what you can actually do proactively in this moment to get out of your head: cry as much as you want, write about how you're feeling, get a glass of water and engage with something else (a book, tv, whatever you like), meditate (youtube has some really good ones for depression), call a suicide hotline or a friend/family member if necessary, listen to music, sit outside and breathe, rest when you can. obviously these things aren't meant to absolve you of your issues long term, but just directing your attention else where and weathering the storm is the whole point. just like what you're doing right now by sending this. it may feel stupid or weird to engage in such activities but they do prevent you from obsessing over your thoughts. they lend you some perspective.

i don't know what you've been through or what has led you to this moment, and i won't pretend to. but there are so many ways to learn to manage that don't involve harming yourself. trouble with that is it's exhausting isn't it? trying is so tiring. so the tears are partially a way for your body and mind to let it all out. it's okay. we all have lose it at times. we're human. but you will always be given the chance to start over when you wake up the next day, and that's really something. most importantly though, if you're having frequent suicidal thoughts then i really think seeking professional help is your best option if possible. as a long term solution anyway. it may be scary and uncomfortable but it won't be as bad as your brain wants you to believe. and you deserve to talk about what hurts, to identify the causes of your pain, to learn how to implement healthy coping mechanisms into your life. there's so much that can be done: therapy, meds, exercises. you don't have to die to let go of this frame of mind. please just consider it. don't write the idea off even if you want to. and if for some reason it's not possible, then i hope you know that there are often a lot of community support groups and resources available to people in your position. others have been where you are, they get it to some extent, and you're not alone no matter how isolated you feel. i get that it's daunting, i just believe in you. and i know that your presence on this planet has had a positive impact in ways you can't even comprehend because you're blinded by the idea you have of yourself (as we all are.) you will find so many meanings and reasons to live as you grow into your whole self. even something as small as wanting to see the seasons change. where you're at right now is not where you'll always be dude. and bad nights are just that, bad nights. so if you put your energy into getting by one day at a time, then you're doing it, and life will carve a path for u regardless. but you have to give yourself a chance to get to that point, yeah? if one day feels like too much, focus on surviving the hour. even the minute. eventually you'll look up and see that change was always inevitable in the best way. you are not your low moments. im rooting for you with all my heart and hoping you stay safe tonight, and always. i'll understand if this doesn't resonate with you, but i mean it all. it's here for you to come back to. let me know if you need a friend or if you want to talk. take care, take it easy. get some sleep when you can.