#anyway im sorry if no one understands this... I honestly dont understand this myself let alone anything.

[skrunksthatwunk]

eughhh i feel dumb

[landofgay]

I love you THC I love you CBD I love you CBN I love you CBG I love you CBC I love you all the other minor cannabinoids. I love you cannabis. :^)

[corviiids]

If i ask nicely, would you consider writing the core of Light and L character like you did for Shuake? (IT'S BRILLIANT BTW!! You're so galazy brain. I love reading any meta or just silly posts you posted here <3) because you mention Light a couple time in Akechi's part and now i need to know your thought on him and L.

(Also, about the death note wip you're cooking right now, is it a oneshot or multiple chapters fic? Im super excited for it!)

i ABSOLUTELY would thank you so much for asking and for your lovely kind words. and im sorry this took me seven years to get to i just kept psyching myself out.

here's the ren & goro post this ask refers to for anyone wondering. the 'core' refers to my answer to a writing meme:

26. What would you describe as OOC? [...] it's the same approach i take to language tbh particularly in pronunciation. once you understand how a language forms its sounds at a base level, you dont struggle with the accent on particular words, and you can encounter words you've never seen before and understand how they're likely to be said/spelled/etc. so once i learn to 'speak' a character they come more naturally. idk if that comparison makes sense to anyone else but it does to meeeee all this to say i think a character is ooc if they do or say something i cant reconcile with that core!

the death note wip is a multichap!! thank you for your interest!!! ill talk about it more once i've stopped tying myself in knots plotting it!! broadly it's a what-if type au which has led me to replot an entire series from scratch dont look at me

anyway lawlight below. i will say ive been really desperately wanting to do like a video essay or something about death note which would be a lot about L and light specifically and how i interpret their characters so ill try and not go toooooo insane in this post but maybe ill go more insane later. in a video. with my human voice.

(edit: i failed i went insane)

light - one-way road to the sky

ok let's talk about one of my favourite scenes of the entire series, which i think is widely not super well understood but honestly to me holds the key to light's entire character. it's right there in volume 1

sorry, the only digital copy ive got on hand is the scanlation. for comparison the official print copy reads:

bubble 1: hey, maki, wanna party tomorrow with some guys from s. college? ten o'clock. bubble 2: yeah, totally! bubble 3: hey, can i go too? bubble 4: my mom isn't here yet? what's that nag doing, geez! light (thinking): damn... light (thinking): start looking around you... light (thinking): and all you see are people the world would be better off without.

this happens within the first 40 pages of the first volume. and it's like. haha hey light what the fuck? this is a totally normal scene in everyday life. people are talking about living their lives. nobody's done anything remotely reprehensible in this scene. and light's just walking through the streets experiencing apparently unprompted and quite extreme misanthropy. what's wrong with him

ok let's have a quick look at the first time we meet light in the anime.

[...]

[...]

cool cool cool im gonna pivot again let's look at the first song (besides the overture) in the musical.

ok rook! we get it! light yagami is out here like damn we live in a society time to kill people about it. this is news to nobody! we all know this!! that's what the series is about! why are we rehashing all of this

great. cool. awesome. let's look at all those scenes one more time. but this time don't look at light. instead let's look at the people around him

in the opening shots of the anime (after the shinigami world, which actually is much the same theme): news of brutal murder is narrated over establishing shots of tokyo. light is shown dead-eyed, going about his ordinary life, surrounded by random other civilians doing the same thing.

in the musical, light isn't angry that murders happen. he's angry about the inaction and complicity of the ordinary people around him.

these scenes aren't highlighting that light thinks crime is bad. we all know crime is bad. the point of these scenes is to contrast light's frustration and fury against the reactions of the people around him. here's what light yagami is seeing: we're surrounded with rot. but nobody's reacting. and then life just goes on. so suddenly all those completely normal scenes of people being concerned with the superficial details of their life aren't just normality, they're complicity. day in, day out. so the world is rotting, and to light, it seems that everyone is completely ok with that. that's just the way things are. and that disgusts and depresses him. on top of than that, it isolates him: he feels like he's the only one who sees or cares about this, that everyone dismisses him as naive, that no one else can be trusted, that everyone else is able to ignore something he sees as inexcusable. this is a sentiment he repeats again and again. it reads as arrogance, and it is, but it's also isolation - after all it's lonely at the top and just as lonely to feel like you're at the top even if you arent

can i talk about the iliad again? is that ok with everyone. im gonna talk about the iliad again

in book 1 of the iliad, the commander of the greek army insults achilles by publicly and unlawfully taking a prize (the girl briseis) who rightfully belonged to achilles. achilles reacts by withdrawing his troops from the army, dooming the greeks' campaign. achilles had a lot of friends in the army, so why would he essentially sentence them all to death for something that only agamemnon did? well, (because agamemnon did something publicly that everyone knew was wrong, and yet nobody was willing (or at least able) to stand up for achilles and stop it from happening. achilles, disgusted by the inaction of the bystanders, turned his back on all of them. fun fact i nearly wrote a mini thesis (an academic one not just a long post on tumblr) about the intersection btwn this book of the iliad and legal theory but law+classics is such a niche interdisciplinary field my professor couldnt find anyone who could supervise me so i couldnt do it. anyway that's not the point

is this right or fair? who cares, not the point. what im interested in is what that kind of behaviour says about the individual. light, like achilles, is a highly idealistic person. we all know that in the abstract, but take a second to really really dig into it, because it's actually quite an interesting fact about a character who is popularly understood as being cold and unfeeling or flatly psychotic and on a power trip. idealism isn't naivety, it's not optimism, it's not even really a happy thing. idealism is simply a firm belief in the way things should be at the cost of refusing or being unable to accept what is.

this is the core of light yagami to me. light doesn't become kira because he's cold or destructive or crazy. he doesn't actually even do it because he's spiteful or misanthropic. it's very much the opposite. he's misanthropic because he believes in the world so much. isn't that a great contradiction! ok here i'll show you some proof.

in an early scene (also in volume 1), light describes himself as an optimist and ryuk finds that interesting.

so light is an optimist. he believes in a bright future for humanity. he wants to protect humanity. he likes humanity. no, he doesn't believe that people are inherently good, but he does believe in some goodness as a part of humanity and wants to protect the best of people, in an egotistical way:

how do we reconcile that with a young man who walks through the streets listening to completely ordinary conversations by ordinary people and reacts by wishing death on everyone talking?

let's split out what's going on here. remember what's happening in light's head. light yagami is 17 years old. he grew up with a police chief for a father (in a fictional world where the police are the literary stand-in for law as justice so just pretend for a second that police are good im sorry), watching his father work tirelessly to fight crime - but crime continues, making this an endless, thankless task. and while crime continues, so does the world around him. every day light sees atrocities on the news, and he sees atrocities brought home, and then he lives his ordinary life and watches the people around him apparently not give a shit, only concerned with the petty details of their own little lives. bystanders watching wrong happen, selfishly unaffected. day in, day out. that idealism is getting colder the longer this unendurable injustice goes on. so achilles condemns his friends to death.

what human trait is being exhibited? realistically it's helplessness. would being miserable about crime help to end crime? of course not. people have to go on with their lives, that's a fact, it's even a strength. even light begins the series completely unable to do a thing about the rot he sees around him, which is part of why he's so depressed. but that's not what light is seeing. light is seeing ordinary people appear to choose not to give a fuck about injustice. the thing that's sparking his disgust is apathy, real or apparent. light yagami is an idealist. he wants a better future - a utopia that only he can imagine - something that can only happen if either everyone becomes as good as he is, or he takes control.

if you leave an idealist in an unwinnable situation for too long, their pure belief will start to curdle. it will not turn to realism. they will not accept what is. they will only become more and more bitter that what should be, isn't. they will become a cynicist. this is really the heart of my argument and ive made it a million times and ill make it again. idealism and cynicism are not opposites, they're not even two sides of a coin. they are two points on the same line which moves very quickly in only one direction. this is where i start when im writing him: how do i make someone who believes so hard that it's killing him? someone who believes so hard it makes him believe in nothing?

then we find the third point on that line, which someone can reach by gaining sudden power - for example, a magic notebook that kills people: radicalisation.

how do we reconcile his desire to protect humanity with the fact that what he's trying to protect against is also humanity? how can i say light loves humanity when he has such disdain for them? easy peasy: light sees himself as the messiah. my bumper sticker that says ask me about light's martyr complex PLEASE ask me about light's martyr complex i wrote a song about it ask me about light seeing himself as the sacrificial lamb on the (and then the bumper sticker cuts off)

light loves humanity the way a twisted shepherd might love his sheep. something to be protected, but something beneath you that can't be trusted to know what's best for them. humanity is something he loves because it's endearingly pathetic, something to pity and save. repeatedly he refers to becoming kira as a personal sacrifice, something that costs him his soul but that he has to do. it's a delusion of grandeur driven by dual purposes of ego and some desperate wish to change a status quo he's been despairing about for years.

tl;dr: light believes with all his soul in something he thinks is impossible, and it's killing him slowly, and then a chance to change the world just falls out of the sky

L - isolate yourself until you can make believe it's just a game

steeples fingers. i have Things to Say about L Lawliet.

ok listen. listen. Listen. listen. are you listening? listen. in general i think people kind of misunderstand characters who are hyper-intellectual and/or behave unconventionally in social settings. you're all going to fucking kill me for this but i think there's a tendency to like... accidentally turn any character who falls vaguely in this broad category into sheldon cooper. god im sorry i feel like i just shot everyone's collective dog

specifically what i mean by that is that 'awkward' gets flanderised in a way that eventually becomes a caricature of itself, because there is so much nuance to actual social awkwardness that it's very easy to kind of pick a template and stick to it without really thinking about what makes that character 'awkward' and what the root and type of awkwardness is, unique to them. so instead we just get, like... generic big word user. generic driven by logic and logic alone guy. generic guy who doesn't Do Well with other people, for Smart Reasons.

here's a list of true things about L which i think are safe to say are uncontroversial

intuitive

logical, master of deductive reasoning

competitive

behaves in an odd way that draws attention

is aware of that fact

focuses extremely hard on his cases and only cares about being a detective not anything else

isolates himself and doesn't like talking to people partly for his own safety partly because it's boring to him

here are things i have seen in characterisation of L which i would like to dispute

makes decisions and draws conclusions based solely on logic and evidence

doesn't understand social cues

here's a list of alternate interpretations which i would like to propose and that i am willing to back up with evidence and/or by physically fighting over them

is driven primarily not by logic or evidence, but by incredible intuition which is supported by logic and evidence when it suits him

has a keen understanding of people, interpersonal relationships, and social norms

leverages that understanding frequently to his benefit

feels that he is not capable of / not a part of emotions that he sees as being typically human (see his speech about being a monster)

and yet in an abstract and self-contradictory and low-priority way still kind of desires connection, leaving him emotionally isolated

chooses to behave oddly on purpose, not because he doesn't realise he's behaving oddly, but because it is not a priority for him

those might seem like fine distinctions at some points, but stray slightly off the mark and his characterisation begins to vary wildly. for example, interpret L as being bemused or unaware of social cues, and one possible characterisation that may stem from that understanding (which i have seen) is that L doesn't understand sarcasm or jokes - which is demonstrably untrue. L demonstrates weak social skills because social skills aren't a priority for him, not because he doesn't understand social norms. after all he does a reasonably convincing 'i am a normal dudeguy' voice on at least two occasions (suzuki the information line guy and asahi the calling matsuda for drinks guy). even with the taskforce, when his behaviour is more of his usual bizarre self, he still makes the effort to treat them respectfully and meet them where they are, explaining himself when they ask, chatting with them, holding ordinary conversations. you can read this any number of ways but my point is that he can do all of this with relatively little struggle

it's also very much not the case that L doesn't have feelings or care about other people. he's ruthless and he's cool with causing people to die if he has to, but he reacts with visible distress to the deaths of the FBI agents, to ukita's death, to the prospect of other members of the taskforce dying. he does care, he's just not morally driven as a priority.

ok but if he can cosplay as Normal Dudeguy with no trouble then why doesn't he. why does he conduct all his business in dark rooms apart from the entire world forever. is it gauche to use a section of my own fic to explain my point? im going to do it anyway

It is easy to identify in Light what he has long known in himself. That little pearl of disruption, grown around an irritating grain of something just unique and tremendous enough to be uncomfortable to the more ordinary around them. L has hidden it by hiding himself. Light has hidden it by hiding within himself. L's black letter is to Light’s vapid smile is to Kira's invisible bullet.

(honestly a lot of what i have discussed here is also covered in this fic so in case this fucking three thousand word essay is not enough for you you can go read that.)

something L and light significantly have in common is that their intellect and unique way of thinking really set them apart from everyone in the world, which is incredibly isolating. but while L has the 'benefit' (arguably could be a detriment but i think he sees it as a benefit) of a unique upbringing which allows him to use his skills to their full extent without worrying about really anything else, light is very much trapped by social convention. while light's life is privileged and materially perfect, he's stuck inside what society expects of him, while L is able to exist completely outside that paradigm. the result is that light has retreated within himself and spends all day playing a part, barely tolerating the monotony and apathy of the world around him by mechanically performing as expected while smothering the part of him that never has an opportunity to truly come out until kira. L, on the other hand, has no reason to put up with a society that is, for lack of a better term, really just beneath him. so he retreats. remember that the first volume/chapter of the manga is called 'boredom'.

you can see that even in his comparatively limited interactions with the task force, he is having to exercise a level of patience to explain to them what he's thinking at every stage, to have to defend his methods, his instincts, his decisions, etc, needing to step through every stage of his reasoning so that the others can follow and won't object. this is NOT just about masking his odd behaviour, it's also very much about having to step through his morals and his process, which is second nature to him but is new to everyone else and needs explaining. it is visibly exhausting to him, and this is with people he actually seems to like well enough. eg during yotsuba arc when light and soichiro keep raising moral concerns, and he has those little "here we go again" moments (which i love SO much and are so telling of him to me) even though he doesn't let his frustration show. which is why he usually does not bother with it and prefers to work alone. he sits the way he does even though he knows it's odd, because he feels he need to sit that way. when light calls it out, he doesn't question that people will think he's strange, so he's clearly aware. he just explains himself.

but if he were out with people on the regular, he'd need to defend himself constantly. the things L does are not conventional. yes the sitting is just an oddity of his so it's a good example, but it's not just the things that are odd that cause a problem: he frequently makes decisions which seem to make massive leaps of logic nobody else (except light) can follow, and often his actions are morally questionable or even reprehensible. all that is because L is extremely pragmatic and results-focused. it kind of doesn't matter to him how he gets from A to B as long as he gets to B. but the way his mind works is that he makes big jumps that make perfect sense to him but would draw curiosity or objection from anyone who doesn't think the way he does. it would be absolutely exhausting to have to constantly defend every strange or questionable thing he did, so he just retreats.

when he works with other people, i think it's worth noting that the team dynamic never actually struggles for L's awkwardness. this is something i really like about death note honestly - L is quirky and strange, but the series doesn't do that thing where it's like He's A Genius Of Course He's Rude To Everyone. he's actually not. for the most part, L is courteous, patient, and polite. he's sometimes blunt or abrupt, but he very rarely does the thing where he's obliviously cruel or brushes people off. he's considerate of people's needs, he's visibly compassionate of other people's emotional difficulties, and he very rarely loses his patience. when matsuda tries to tell the locked-up light about kira resuming activity, L snaps "Matsuda!" to stop him, and then immediately corrects himself to go "I mean, Matsuda-san." it would have been really easy for the series to do that tropey shit where he's so smart that he doesn't bother with politeness, but he factually does. he makes the effort to treat people politely even when he's not actually being kind. when he's asked to explain himself, the reader can see he's tired and annoyed, but he doesn't take it out on people. on the odd occasion he does make fun of someone for being slow, he does so in mostly light-hearted ways. so he is very capable of dealing with other people directly. his lack of social skills aren't for lack of understanding. he just can't be bothered. it's a waste of energy to try and behave 'normally' or to do things that other people find acceptable, whether that's due to social norm or common morality. it is so, so much easier for L to do things alone. without the need to explain or defend his behaviour to anyone, his isolation turns real world problems into something almost purely theoretical. so it really is like a game for him, at least at first.

whatever

i think it's really important for a character like L to not be fooled by the surface-level categorisation of 'smart awkward character'. we really need to find what's driving his awkwardness. it's not ignorance, it's not even really disdain, it's exasperation. he's tired of being surrounded by people who just can't keep up with him, and he does not have enough energy or interest to spend his time handholding everyone through his process, so he just does whatever the hell he wants and avoids people as much as possible so he doesn't have to deal with it.

look i know this is a really long way to say stuff that people mostly already know, but i think L is one of the most finely nuanced characters in the series because he looks like such a simple expression of a known archetype and the ways in which he subverts expectations are so granular that it's easy to completely miss them even while appreciating how interesting he is. the way this translates into how i write him is that he's polite and has a lot of patience until he simply doesn't, at which point he'll inwardly or subtly express that he wishes he didn't have to bother with this shit, that he picks up on fine social and emotional details that other people will totally miss, but that he'll always put his own whims and plans before anything else.

tl;dr: L behaves like someone who is constantly moving at his own pace and for whom dealing with people is rarely worth the effort, but this does not make him inept or unkind.

[bloggingboutburgers]

hi! so, uh, I wasn't really sure where to send this, but you seem nice and (hopefully) have some advice. I'm aroace, specifically sapphic-oriented cupioromantic ace, and I think I have a squish on this one girl. or maybe mesh? idk. all I know is that I really like her and want to be close to her, I think the word for me is alterous attraction? or maybe platonic or aesthetic, because I think she looks really cool too. honestly, I'm not really sure what the heck I feel :') could be a crush, squish, mesh, or just wanting to be friends. uhh anyways, I'm not really sure what to do about it. idk, I guess I want to become closer to her?

anyways, sorry for bothering you. basically I was wondering if you have any thoughts on what im feeling, what I should do, and also maybe how you and your qpp got into a qpr with each other? if u dont mind.

oh! and congrats on you engagement, your 'no one can know I dont like sex' comics make me smile and also have helped me figure out myself! thanks.

Hey!! I'm so sorry I'm replying to this ask so late T^T Kinda buried myself in other projects of let myself get distracted for this blog for a lil while... Either way I hope I'm not too late TwT And don't worry, you're not bothering at all!! (Also thank you so much for the kind words, they mean a lot TwT)

I guess... Whatever you do about it is up to you honestly, as vapid as that probably sounds of me! Heck, maybe you've already taken some steps since writing to me too, late as I am...

I also don't wanna put a label on how you feel, because it's a very personal thing, but I'll say – honestly you don't even necessarily NEED to put a label on it, not yet or not ever (whatever works for you), if you're not sure how to call it. The most important thing is if you're vibing with what you are, besides that you don't owe anyone any explanation. Though I guess it's also understandable to want to know what to call it if you're gonna bring it up to her... But also (maybe I'm naive, but yeah) I think there's nothing wrong with just sincerely saying you don't know how to call things yet either, even to her. I feel it'd be fair to both of you still, personally.

As far as me and my QPP, I didn't do anything – they were the one who realized they had a squish on me and took all the steps originally to get it going 🙈 Which they told me was definitely nerve-wracking! But yeah, their handle is @civiart if you want to reach out to them too for more advice, or they can also answer further questions here on my behalf, they told me whichever is fine with them^^

But also in case it helps, I've actually drawn how it went down for us here in the past, and I tried to elaborate a bit on my own experience of a QPR here and here!

And sorry again for being late TwT I wish you the best though!

[gege-wondering-around]

Hello cariad! I really liked this question and I'm so curious to know your answer!

What's something you're very passionate about? 🩵

And how did you discover this passion?

hi darling @dontcallpanic! sorry it took me so long to answer! hope I'll be able to do justice to the ask and your answer was extremely heart warming and you're such an amazing person for doing that🫂🩵

something I'm very passionate about is:

meritocracy/'getting what you deserve'

I've seen the world being unfair since I was very young, I've seen it first hand in second grade and it got stuck with me.

(little back story moment: a classmate of mine wanted to cheat from me and I tried not to let her but she kept insisting, the teacher noticed and scolded me and put my desk against the wall)

ever since, I've never let anyone cheat off of me, I've tried my hardest to never cheated myself (unless it was necessary, like last year with chemistry because the teacher was the worst and next year we dont have that subject anymore, so the whole class just opted for the best way out, and I honestly don't regret it. but other that this one time, cheating is not for me).

anytime cheating was brought up by one of my friends, I'd be the one going against their methods (sneaking 2 phones so they'd keep one during the exam, hear bugs to listen to audios, long ass cheating sheets under the chair and such) cause the one who did this, were those who could simply study and get a very good grade.

and it was such a common thing to do, to cheat every single time, that they'd brag about it like it was the success of the century. and they never got what they actually deserved and it makes me sick. cause i know people who bust their asses to keep their grades up and have little to no recognition for their efforts, while these other people who cheats just get away with it.

and they don't just cheat on exam... one cheated on her gf as well, one is planning on cheating the driver theory test, and so on.

(another back story moment: math exam, i studid days for it and a friend of mine kept asking me for help. at home, i did an exercise we both struggled on and got the right answer but i knew the method was wrong but found no other way to get to the answer. i send it to my friend, don't remember what she said but i remember she told me it was done wrong and i knew. next day, the day of the exam, 10 minutes before it she went to our math teacher to ask him how it was supposed to be done and showed him the pic with my work, and he obviously told her it was done wrong (and i knew the whole time it was) and she came back fiercely saying 'i told you it was wrong' but i let her me. during the exam, she had photomath doing her exam while the teacher was 1 meter away from her. and he told her nothing.)

but apart from school, I've seen this in my parents' work environment too, cause they are both the most hard workers and they get less than most and have to do everything for others cause, for example my father, is the only one who can this particular machine (which is falling apart) and he had to 'study' the whole thing to understand how to make it work, while others, whenever its their time to work on it, they just give up the second the machine decided to break and those people don't work for the rest of the day.

anyway! (you can already cleary tell my passione about this...)

to make it short, it makes me sick that busting your ass gets you nothing and cheating gives you everything. and I discover it (if you can say you can discover this) because everything is unfair and I want to be fair. I wanna play fairly and get what i deserve, whatever it might be.

it's one of my strongest moral, not to cheat, and it shows not only on test but friendships and relationships too cause I'm extremely loyal and honest and genuine (to the point others take advantage of it) but I'm proud of it regardless. i get what i get and im satisfied by my results cause i know the efforts behind it. but seeing nothing more than the wolrd being unfair takes away from me the enjoyment of being able to do the things i do... yet, I try my hardest to make sure people get treated fairly, i want people to know their efforts aren't wasted on their interests or success (such as grades and others).

but moving on cause i could rant about meritocracy forever...

psychology

ever since i was little it mesmerized me. the human mind, behavior, response based upon past experiences and how one person can be molded by society and the wolrd.

i knew a few things about psychology and it helped me (along with helping me helping others too) to go on with my life and get over certain moments when i was at my lowest.

i wanna understand people deeply (and i can even without psychology, I have a lot of empathy for others) and this helped me a lot to understand their behavior and feelings cause even subtle hints can tell you so much about someone.

i feel that, knowing psychology even a little bit, gives me the ability to make a web of someone mind (even if it'd be so little and insignificant) which is amazing to me. to be able to put something to abstract and complex as someone's identity on paper, to understand them to the point you get the ALMOST completely (in that little aspect, for example why i care so much about meritocracy. psychology can only tell you that much about my passiont towards it) because love makes the understanding complete.

i don't believe that you can understand someone simply based upon psychology because you make them nothing more than a rat lab. i believe you need love to fully get someone's way of being, you need to understand their feelings and reasons and psychology can do only so much about it.

in short. to understand people, i discovered psychology cause i needed to understand myself, why i was depressed and such, and it helped me come to the realization i couldn't help myself until i started loving who i was.

which brings me to...

love

i have a tremendous lack of love in my life and my friends ease that pain without even knowing it. my kindness comes from love, everything i do is based upon love.

someone once told me i can't live a life based upon love, seeing love everywhere, but i don't care. for me love can be anywhere, it can be in a little hobby i picked up simply to do one thing and ended up being useful further on, it can be in putting a can os sode in the fridge knowing you won't be the one drinking it. (and its your fav soda as well). it can be sharing something with those you love, even i simply 'hey i dreamt this tonight...' and have a good laught together.

love is everywhere, i can see it everywhere. it can be anywhere.

i want love to be one of my motivations, to be one of those things i carry with me anywhere i go, something i can share cause everyone can use some love regardless of everything.

i discovered love in a strange way. not through a relationship or my family. but through internet and not by having a relationship online.

it came out of no where, this manga i saw and read without knowing anything about it and it made me sick to my stomach cause it was claimed to be about love but there was no love in it. it all felt forced and that's when i started developing my thought about love, of any kind, and when i understood what love might be for me.

after that, love drove me through my lowest moments, helped me back up again and it showed me my passions. even if they changed with time, everything i did or picked up as an hobby was made with the intention to love.

and this brings me to the last one (at least for this post)...

writing

i write of love and i love writing.

it literally saved since when i was down really bad, i could only write. and i wrote endlessly, i still have some of the things i wrote years ago, the sorrow and pain and agony in those sheets of paper reminds me who i was and how far I've come. and all thanks to writing.

now i write fanfics about love, i pour as much love as i can in my pieces and i try my hardest to leave a lesson in my works (despite the fact i haven't post a single one yet). i started writing fanfics when i wanted love to be tangible in my own way, i started being a fanfic writer when i was touched so deeply by some characters' love (without even being canon) that i couldn't comprehend the cruelty behind taking away something so beautiful from the narration. (or life, if you want).

the day i started writing was when i set down my goal in life: to show love is possible. whether it might be through fanfics, poems, letters, messages, quotes or book dedications (cause the fic I'm working on rn is dedicated to someone really meaningful to me).

and it all started when i was around 7 or 8 and ever since then, I've been writing for a decade now and I'm still going strong on it. it's my way of being, of showing love and understanding, it's my way of be alive despite everything, is my way of fighting.

and anytime someone close to me mention how they'd like to start to write, i cheer them up as much as possible, and when they have doubts and maybe we are having lunch somewhere and they ask me 'hey how do you do it without stressing yourself?' or something similiar i pour my heart out to tell them writing is always about writing for yourself.

i discovered writing paragraphs and poems because i was becoming mute (not like medically speaking, i just never talked) and i needed to get it out and talking with my voice about it only made me feel less and less, like i was tearing away pieces from myself simply because people could be aware of me if i spoke about myself. I didn’t want people to know me, i wanted them to ignore me.

so i wrote.

i kept writing. from my thoughts to little stories, to poems and messages, and finally to fanfics. i kept writing everything down, i write myself down so I'm tangible in a way that doesn't tear anything away from me.

i became tangible in a way where it doesn't matter if I'm a male or a female, if I'm old or young, if I'm this or that.

i made myself tangible and memorable, something you can comprehend and live, something you can notice and not ignore.

I hated and still hate being tangible in the way of a woman. I'm tangible because people can touch me and i hate it, so i wrote. and that's my way of being tangible, without letting people take away anything from, without having them touching me.

and this is all in my writings, in my poems and my fanfics this things always come up somehow, maybe subtly or maybe not but they are always there cause i write for myself. i write to have something to leave behing in this life. i write to be tangible even in the future. i write so maybe someone else will write too and be tangible just the same way. i write to inspire and teach, to myself and others.

i write to be. i write about love.

so...

yeah this is pretty much it, i hope i made justice to the ask somehow and i hope the part about meritocracy wasn't too boring or like a rant (cause i swear it gets animated whenever its brought up and my bestie keeps me shut before i scream at teachers to fo their job, anyway!)

hope it was of your liking and im glad i have a chance to answer this as well. wish you an amazing day and hope your writing journey is lovely and filled with passion! and remember, before anyone else, always write for your own enjoyment and according to your tastes and likings!🫂🩵

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

MAC HI don't mind me i just finished the genloss founders cut and im putting my ful lreview in ur inbox bc u said u weren't gonna watch it i think but i want 2 share my thoughts with someone who will not rip me to shreds for criticizing it even slightly <3

OK. I'M NOT GONNA LIE. IT KINDA SLAPPED. maybe i just think it was really good in comparison to the original four hours of streams that dragged on. i honestly thought the original streams of genloss were longer but NO all three streams add up to about four hours???? it just felt so much longer when i originally watched it i guess!!! u can understand why i am sure. but the founders cut was like two and a half and oh my goddddd cutting out a lot of it made such a huge difference. holy shit. like i definitely did get bored and skip through a little bit but honestly i didn't skip through much!! every time i got to a part where i was like "oh fuck not THIS bit that goes on for 30-45 minutes god dammit" it ended up being like maybe ten minutes at most which was SUCH A GODSEND. i am delighted to report that they cut the half hour cooking bit in the first episode down to like 7-8 minutes <3 the best surprise ranboo could have given me tbh. like with the way things were cut down and framed differently i actually laughed at a couple points????? WILD. did not think i would find any genuine comedy here. lowkey there were points that were funny. insane

honestly with the unfunny bits being cut down, it actually let the slightly more serious lore bits shine more, and the payoff for when it got to the third episode felt SO much more deserved. like. the original streams i'd probably give a 3/10 collectively and that's being generous but i would unironically say the founder's cut deserves like a 7/10. maybe a 7.5 if i found it in myself to ignore the bad special effects. (there was still plenty of bad comedy ngl i still don't know why charlie slimecicle's face was superimposed on a towel. that scene was nothing. it was literally nothing. they could have removed it and it would change nothing but they kept it in idk why)

ANYWAY. if they had released genloss like this first maybe i would unironically be a fan of it now. tbh. i would still be making fun of the bad comedy and the horror that was barely horror but i think i would actually be like participating in the fandom a lil and i would probably find it in me to find some charm in the bad special effects. all in all Not Bad!! not good, but not like actively bad. ofc im still running on the adrenaline of the ending because episode 3 was objectively the best out of them all so maybe my perception is skewed but. kinda decent. 7/10 👍 anyway i hope ur havin a good day i hope to finish pd season one soon over the next couple days!!!!!

taking the cowards route and putting my thoughts under the cut bc a lot of my mutuals these days really enjoy genloss and i don't want them to be mad at me

(genloss crit/neg/whatever under the cut)

dude this makes me so unironically sad . why the FUCK was genloss what it was the first time around when this was obviously the better route to go from the very beginning. I am still staunchly in my "I don't like genloss" position but. I DID WATCH IT. i sat through ALL of the original streams and it was so miserable for me. im not going 2 watxh the directors cut or whatever bc i dont hate myself enough to sit through all of that again but i trust your opinion!! if only it would've been planned out thought out prerecorded videos from the start I also probably would not hate it as much as I do!!! maybe I even would've liked it !!! (<< not likely bc i do have Other Issues with it than just the fact that it was too long too unfunny too unfocused etc whatever im getting into hater territory sorry. always welcome 2 genloss fans to try to explain to my why its Good Actually so i can recommend them actual horror media)

like . the streams added absolutely NOTHING to it other than that final choice scene or whatever. and even if they wanted to do that still u know what would've been an awesome smart choice??? prerecord and edit the whole thing and then premiere THAT video on twitch- then when it comes time for the final choice you can still have people vote!! then you can have two separate endings prepared based on which way the vote was swaying. like. its that easy. it would've made the whole experience so much more enjoyable . ughhghghg the fucking wasted potential on HOURS of unfunny badly improvved bits is so devastating

personally I still cant excuse the bad effects considering the amount of times ranboo bragged about the genloss budget like. maybe you should've used your resources better and also if it would've just been prerecorded from the start things wouldn't look as rushed as they did but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ what do I know !!

anyway I'm so glad this version was better but for me it will always ALWAYS be tainted by the . misery I felt while watching the streams lmaoooo . I wanted to like genloss so bad. I tried so hard. head in hands !!!!!!!!!!!

[roadyblr]

NO! DONT. TELL. HIM. HE IS MY HUSBAND AND I WILL NEVER LET GO (me saying this like I haven't said it to 25 other idols..)

this you??? but all jokes aside I'm so proud of myself for taking this beautiful picture from their kindergarten TRICKY HOUSE episode. its beautiful. and the best part is that JUNGHOON IS ACTUALLY THERE ASKFKFKSFSFFJKAFFSK

can I know what ur main is so I can follow?? I don't really mind what kind of blog it is, I just wanna follow

anyway, Haru is one of my obsessions (YECHAN IS STILL FIRST. DONT SAY ANYTHING.) as of right now. like he's so pretty.. and he's so talented. there's this video of nexz singing live and their voices are SO CLEAR!! like they're literally so freaking talented its crazy. AND THE BEST PART IS, theyre 5th gen.

so sorry to be a hater but illit and I've could never (don't use me, I love their music)

back to yechan, on kprofiles his favourite foods are ramen (a no-brainer, who doesn't love ramen), tteok bokki (I love it but I had to search up how to spell it), sushi (another no-brainer) AND THESE LITTLE CRACKER THINGIES THAT ARE SO GOOD WAIT HOLD UP.

THESE THINGS. THESE ARE SO FREAKING GOOD, THEYRE MY WHOLE LIFE (I mean he is but like..) it says on kprofiles its called gorabab??? someone fact check

AND TO MAKE IT EVEN BETTER HIS FAVOURITE DRINKS ARE COKE, BOBA AND TEA!! WE'RE SO ALIKE!! (except one can skate and one cant :D)

also, I played a game today and we won by idk how many. anyways, there is this one girl that plays for that team. her nickname is triple C or CCC because her eyes are so far apart she looks like a chameleon. and during training camps she would wear the same cheetah print shirt like three out of the five days. that translates to Colour-Changing Cheetah. (shes such a pick me like nobody likes her. she reeks of main-character syndrome fr.)

anyways. there was this time she scored a goal during the game and on her way back to the bench she was showing off to her teammates how she did it. (she spun around and shot it. annoying) to be fair we didn't have our regular goalie and this girl has only played goalie like twice in her life.

and she scored twice within the last 20 seconds of the game.. like girl. let it go.

anyways, we won like 13 or 14 to like 7 or something. ME. I SCORED A WHOPPING, drumroll please...

5 goals. :D

it was a great day. and I got to hangout at my teammates house the rest of the day.

(sorry for being a certified yapper)

love ya!!! <3333

YECHAAAA-*gets shot*

i keep saying how much i want new tricky house episodes but that usually means album on the horizon *touches ground* i feel it coming... it's already in motion (sumin spoiled the vibes, and considering they learned choreo for watch out not even a month after trial and error that album is already pre cooked)

also it's @vanumanum 💜!! i've exposed myself on here before for my silly edits but full warning i 9 times out of 10 forget to post but i've been trying to be more active im just dumb (xikers drop more spooky photos so i can edit sh monsters in them)

5th gen actually pulling out a bunch of good groups ("XLOV DEBUT AAAH" i screm) and honestly considering what company their under it's almost expected (jype boy groups eat)

also me, an illit liker, as tick-tack plays in the bg: 🧍but also understandable (this is fine everyone's entitled to opinions/i can't speak for ive i can't speak for 99% of ggs that's not my area)

oh i've had those before! the korean reads as goraebap but take what i say with the biggest grain of salt because it could be read differently but i think i'm close enough

i love when i understand nothing about sports i was a shotput/discus clown that's all i got :> (i played three way soccer and took a ball to the face i was like ACTUALLY this is not my sport andalsoididntgetalongwithsportsplayers-) but you got five goals!! that's like 36-39% of the teams goals so i'm gonna say you carried for funsies and because i have giving blatant favoritism💜

[jackienautism]

So for life is strange did you save the town or Chloe bc as much as I liked Chloe - Kate was my girl and I tried way to hard to make sure she didn’t DIE - ain’t no way I was letting my girl get taken by the storm im sorry Chloe 😭😭😭

i ended up watching my friend stream the game (hiii @kilowattsons) so i havent played it myself but! iiiii. honestly cant remember what we ended up doing? im PRETTY sure we ended up saving chloe ? (im not pretty sure) but i cant rly remember my reasonign as to why i wanted to do that either. im glad you like chloe thouhg bc a lot of people dont ): like i can understand WHY but its much more complicated that "oh shes a shit friend" yk? but anyway

KATE IS VERY BELOVED.... she rly reminds me of a character i love dearly from fire emblem three houses... and i dont blame you for wanting to MAKE sure that she lived. bc i know its left ambiguous in regards to what happened to some characters following the storm but like. i totally get wanting to FFOR SURE save your girl. there was a ton of other side characters. WAIT ?????? I DONT THINK WE SAVED CHLOE? OR DID WE. I CANT REMMBER. I VAGUELY REMEMBER SEEING LIKE THE WRECKAGE OF THE TOWN BUT I ALSO REMEMBER SEEING CHLOE'S FUNERAL? i guess we went through both endings like one after another. but i seriously cant remember im so sorry. but anyway, as i was saying, there was a ton of side characters that i RLY liked that wouldve been affected by the storm but were already dead</3 for example. i fucked up w/ victoria and got her killed. and of course nathan is already dead by the end of the game in that ending. i think ? things are fuzzy my apologies. its been like. almsot 2 years (GOSH.... that long huh?) sinc ei watched my friend play and was fixated on the game. but yeah. aside from those 2. i rly like dana and kate ... and i Loved chloe. so no matter what ending i chose i would be losing</3 like a lot

but yeah. dont blame you for wanting to keep kate safe fdkffdsf girl went through A LOT and doesnt deserve to die like that. thank you for the ask! sorry that i rambled fkdgfdg

[fairycosmos]

chloe do you have any tips on 'forcing' oneself to shower? at the moment it's extremely hard for me not only bc of my depression but my foot is also in a cast bc it's broken which makes showering even more physically taxing.... just i need to shower but can't bring myself to do it 😭

hey honestly ive been thereeeeee and am often still there it's a fucking nightmare and im so sorry you're going through it as well - i know there's a lot of weird stigma and shame around these lesser discussed aspects of depression, but it is truly a massive part of the illness and not smth to internalise or shame yourself for. i've used a few different approaches when i haven't had the motivation to shower in the past - the 1st is just breaking it down into smaller chunks. wash my face, brush my teeth the first day. then slowly build up to either stepping in the shower and letting the water stream over you for 5 minutes, or even giving yourself a sponge bath/washing ur hair over the sink so you dont have to get fully undressed and exert a ton of effort and feel overwhelmed. i think this might be the best option for u with ur foot the way it is. a little is always better than nothing. i live by that TBH. sitting down in the shower also helps me massively, makes it a quite a bit less draining TBH. i also do this thing where i set an alarm for 10 minutes and just tell myself im going to clean myself as much as possible in that time, and that i can manage it because it's only 10 minutes and then i can lay back down and breathe, and that it's not this big deal my brain is building it up to be, and even if it is and even if i cry or panic or feel like shit, it's just 10 minutes. it's also super important to have the self awareness to realise this cycle you're in where neglecting your needs makes you depressed and you're depressed because you neglect your needs (at least that's part of the reason), and learning how to stop that perpetuating by doing one small task for yourself per day is one of the only ways to break out of it. i have to say every time i shower after being in a depression pit i don't regret it, and i know it's very hard to conceptualise that right now, but it's true. another thing i often try is just counting to ten and then forcing my body to move, i literally scream at myself in my own head to ignore my thoughts and just keep moving and just get the fuck in and out of the shower without making it more than what it is, i try to focus purely on my body and being in it and not on my mind - i understand that prob wont work for everyone lol. incentivising yourself is also always a good idea - tell yourself if i manage to take a shower i can watch a show i like or go to sleep or have a nice snack or practice a hobby you enjoy or whatever you like to do. i think training ur brain to see self care as a positive / neutral thing is a vital part of trying to move beyond this. anyway sorry to ramble i think that's a summary of what i usually do but if you ever want to chat more ab this or if you need a friend just give me a message! i hope you feel better soon x

[buckyismybae]

THE VERY FIRST NIGHT ~ b.b barnes

summary: you were part of the ✨orginal seven✨ who saved nyc in 2012. steve’s friend bucky was recently brought to the compound to be an avenger after being saved from hydra. bucky being known previously as the “winter soilder” had never known kidness from anyone but steve and sam after being saved. you accidentally run into bucky in the most awkward way possible. what a great way to welcome the newest avenger.

warnings: nudity, bucky being a gentleman (yes thats a warning), fluff, curse words, thats pretty much it

comments: hii this is my first fic so please be nice!!! im sorry for any and all spelling errors and i hope you enjoy!!!

Unlike everyone else in this compound besides Steve, Sam, and Nat I wasnt totally upset about the whole bucky thing.

Yes he killed Tony’s parents but it wasn’t actually him. Thats what these people dont seem to understand. It wasnt his fault that he was being tortured and controlled by hydra. 

I haven’t actually met him yet so I still have to do that. But im totally team Bucky, Tony just needs to get over it (its not like he liked his parents anyways).

I was unfortunately sent on a two week long mission the day Bucky was set to arrive so I was the only one from the team who hadn’t met him yet.

But today was the day I was supposed to go back to the compound where I would go immediately take a shower to make myself somewhat presentable as I had blood and dirt caked on my skin from my mission.

I didnt want to be all gross when meeting someone who meant that much to steve, let alone a new teammate as he was offically an avenger as of two weeks ago today.

Steve honestly hadnt talked about Bucky before we found out about him. I can understand that though as it was probably to painful to talk about past people who meant a lot to us.

Its painful enough trying to see Steve talk about Peggy.

I think we all have people who even though they might not be apart of our lives anymore they will always be with us spiritually.

Thats what my parents are to me. Its what Bucky and Peggy are to Steve. Its what Yelena is to Nat and so on and so forth.

I couldnt wait to meet him. He really did mean so much to Steve, therefore he meant a lot to me.

Often times people would assume Steve and I were dating when in fact he was like a brother to me.

I was only 20 when the avengers first assembled to defeat and detain Loki. God that greasy headed man did some damage to NYC.

Steve looked out and was there for me since day 1 and promised that he would always be there for me. Thats why I love him as a brother. Thats why i was excited to meet the man who had protected him for all those early years of his life. To meet the man who had been there for Steve when his mom died.

I had offically gotten back and headed straight for the showers. Did I have my own in my room that was amazing? Yes I did. But they make us decontaminate before we enter the compound which makes sense.

No body wants to be walking around and step in ailen goo from someone after all. Totally not based of my own experiences.

I was walking into one of the open shower rooms when I heard some recruits behind me.

But just left it alone as I didnt have the time nor energy to even wonder what they were laughing at.

I got in the shower and immediately turned on my music. My playlist had a lot if music on it but it was mostly just taylor swift if im being honest.

Thats when the shower thoughts kicked in.

Does Bucky like taylor swift?

Does he even know who taylor swift is?

If he doesnt i HAVE to be the one to show him.

i wrap my shower up and go step outside to wrap myself in one of the softest towels ever.

I go over to my locker bag to get my clothes I was going to change into. Thats when I relized why those recruits were laughing. Those bitches stole my clothes.

So now I have no clothes on or to change into. I peek outside the room and relized im screwed.

My only plan is to scoot to my room in this skimpy towel before anyone sees me.

I run. I book it. Its still not enough.

Why did stark have to put so many god damn windows in this place.

Of course the Avengers are having a meet when I try to run back to my room. They all turn to look at me. This is the first time I ever met Bucky. In a towel that barley went passed my mid thigh, hair dripping wet, i look like a wet mole rat.

They are all staring directly at me. Tony starts to walk out of the glass room where meetings are held. He stares directly at me as if he had never seen me in his life.

“Woah, what the hell happened to you?”

“The fucking recruits stole my clothes when I was showering.” I made sure to say it loud enough that everyone in the room could hear.

They all just looked at one another puzzled not really knowing what to think.

“Now if you all excuse me i am going to go dry off and get some clothes on before i found what who stole my clothes and murder them.”

I scurried off down the hall to try to get to my door before anyone talk to me again.

“Hey your y/n right? Hey wait up.”

I turned to see Bucky coming towards me.

“Oh hey, sorry I didnt really hear you. Whats up?”

“ I just wanted to ask how come I havent seen you before and if you were alright?”

I stand there for a moment too long thinking about the last part. He didnt even know me yet he wanted to know if i was alright. This was the man who steve talked so greatly about these past few weeks. This was Bucky Barnes not the winter soilder.

“ Oh hey sorry I was going to introduce myself later but sorry I was on a mission the past two weeks. This is my first night back since, sorry! I wouldve introduced myself a few minutes ago but…” I glance down towards my current state pointing towards the short small towel that was covering my body. “ I was a little preoccupied.”

“ Oh well im sorry for bothering you but I just wanted to say hello and make sure you were ok.”

“ Thank you so much bucky, and hey we should hang out sometime. Maybe when i have some clothes on.” I said with a certain little giggle.

“ I would be honored to hang out with the great y/n y/l/n. Everyone that ive talked to said you were the kindest person they have ever met, i mean steve alone talks so… greatly about you that you didnt seem real. I dont have very man friends around here and he said if anyones gonna be my first it should be you.”

I look at him for a moment. How could anyone not wanna be his friend? Hes seems so caring and kind even after everything hes been through.

“ I would love to be your first friend, even though I think you have a few you dont know about yet.” I say simply knowing how everyones warming up to him or atleast the idea of him.

“Well goodbye y/n ill let you get back to well getting dressed see ya around.”

“Ya bye bucky see you around.”

With that I relized he lived right down the hall from me. Wow I thought to myself. Just wow.

[urlocalnonbinarybastardwrites]

hiii so i put in a request for the matching thing but you didn’t respond to it so im guessing i didn’t put enough info which i completey understand!!! very sorry about that, i hope ur still doing these requests if not i deeply apologize. anyway pls take ur time so so sorry!!

i’d also like to be matched with someone in pjo pls!

personal info ? 15 yrs old, i’m a girl, she/her(truly idc), bisexual, half mexican (white dad…)

physical: i have medium length wavy brown hair with grown out bangs, im 5’4 average weight, pretty tan, brown eyes, silver circle glasses, i wear smudgy eyeliner w/mascara, i either wear tank tops with big pants or big t shirt with shorts

personality: i’m honestly very weird with the people im close with, like very. i have brainrot humor so im always saying weird ass shit acting like it’s normal. i’m also very sarcastic and if im not very close with someone i give them like 0 reaction i guess? idk ppl tell me im nonchalant but that sounds rlly corny 😬 anyway im very embarrassing in public when im with my friends and they hate it but i think its funny idc!! im also pretty moody but im just a teenage girl!!!!!!! i dont get mad that easily tho like i can take a joke i just get ANNOYED easily but then ill be fine in a few minutes. also ppl tell me im very funny so 😇 meat riding myself YES IM A NO SABO KID I AM TRYING TO LEARN SOANISH.

hobbies/intrests: love love love listening to music, love tv girl, tyler, mitski, arctic monkeys, the smiths, depeche mode, the cure, lana, tame impala, beabadoobee and so many other generes and artists but i only know like 2 songs 😬

i also had a severe fnaf phase, avatar the last airbender, spiderverse, saiki, and obvi percy jackson

currently OBSESSED with slushy noobz they are my whole personality they are how i act. along with avascreams on tiktok ive literally had 6 different ppl tell me “you know that one girl on tiktok?? you act just like her” IM TRILY NOT EVEN TRYING TO ACT LIKE HER I SWEAR. also love sam and colby i full heartedly believe in ghosts just watch ima become a ghost hunter 😊😊

as of right now my hobbies are playing stardew valley and never getting my homework done, i also love to draw but im not very good at it. i also love painting but i haven’t done it in a while bc of school :(( i take piano lessons as well but again, not very good even after 5 years. i rlly like reading too but again bc of school i haven’t read as much lately, love playing with my pets (dog and cat) they’re so cute i love animals so so much i want more but yknow im busy, ive also gotten into working out bc im tryna lose this face fat🫥

likes: love carnival rides!!!! they’re so fun i love the fair SO MUCH. beautiful atmosphere truly. the zipper is so fun don’t let anyone lie to you. nature, i love going on walks in the woods but i can’t bc i don’t live near any😔 food i love food, korean, mexican, american, japanese, i love it all. english class! teacher is so sweet i love her and its also easy and boring so

dislikes: six flags. i hate roller coasters. annoying ppl like bruh stfu up OH MY GOD. when my mom asks me about college, leave me alone pls!

okay i truly don’t know what else to put i hope this was enough 😓😓

-faith 👐

Hey Faith, I am so so sorry that this took incredibly long to complete. I’ve been insanely busy these few months and lots of personal stuff going on so I really hope that this does it justice! And also also don’t be sorry I’m really sorry that this took so long

Your PJO ship: Leo Valdez 🔥🔥🔥 (man I’m jealous)

Explanation: honestly the best way I can explain this is that you’re crazy totally matches his crazy. Your freak matches his freak. is somebody gonna match my freak? Yes, someone will match your freak and that person is Leo. Starting off with your physical appearance, I think that he would be very attracted to you and I think you give a vague match of his mom like I feel like you look like his mom a little little bit, which is what kind of drew him to you in the first place I feel like he probably saw you in a crowd and his jaw dropped. He just thought that you were your clothing style. He also liked your eyeliner which he had you do on him whenever you guys got comfortable enough in the relationship he was like hey can I please have your make up routine done on me? He looked rlly hot but anyway- you guys are just so chaotic together with your personality like you match him so well I feel like Leo in order to make a relationship work with him. He needs to have someone that’s either vastly different than him or the same because I mean, I just see you guys as Deadpool and Vanessa, you guys so chaotic in public you guys would do so much embarrassing shit together and social anxiety would be afraid of both of you combined, a deadly duo. Whenever you were first getting to know each other, and you were more relaxed and chill around him less if you’re crazy with showing, that’s what kind of Drew him like he thought that your dynamic could be that you would kind of be more opposites, but then he slowly realize that you were just as fucking goofy and silly as him, and he would have a blast with you as you guys got further on into your even like just friendship that eventually turn into romance. You guys always have the funniest times together like I’m not joking. You guys would be the couple to go out with if you wanted a good time because you guys just yeah you’re chaotic and glorious and also really freaking funny and I mean yeah. (I would also like to let you know to do a deeper dive into your personality. I did research some of the people you mentioned that you were compared to and watched some of their videos and subjected myself to the painful amount of puns and batshit crazy, honestly I’m pretty impressed if people are comparing you) as for your hobbies, he would love playing Stardew Valley and I feel like he would romance. Sebastian don’t ask me why, but I just feel like he would. He would totally want Sebastian as I don’t know why OK I really don’t. I really don’t but anyway that’s just my personal theory. But he would love playing Stardew with you. He’s also a procrastinator when it comes to homework and work and taking things seriously in general so you guys would be quite the interesting duo and I feel like U2 would just end up making out during study date so if you want someone to study with? He’s probably not the best person. Also, I think that he would love your art and would be absolutely obsessed. If you ever did any artwork of him or just inspired by him like he would love that he would frame that shit he would brag to everyone about how good you are and same goes with piano he’s obsessed even if you think you weren’t very good after five years of playing he thinks you’re magnificent. It took everything in him to not compare you to Apollo because he knew that that would probably get you like blasted into the sky or something, but he just thinks anything that comes from you is good basically. That’s Leo Math.

You + Anything= Good.

He can never read very much because of his ADHD. I just feel like he would lose interest in books really easily unless they’re really exciting or exactly what he’s being into at this point, so I feel like he would get the being too busy to read. He also loves animals. He would absolutely snuggle all the pets in the world. I feel like he just loves animals. I feel like he especially loves dogs because they match his energy and he’s definitely like a golden retriever guy or maybe a Chihuahua guy one of them anyway dogs are very Leo core. Also, he thinks your chubby face is cute, and while he promotes working out for the healthiness of it, he thinks you have the wrong motivation if you want to get rid of that cute squeezable cheeks. (Multiple cheeks if ykwim) he also loves carnival rides and he’s a huge foodie so if you ever went out to him, you guys would end up eating more than your stomachs and belts can handle I mean yeah you guys would just be done if you ever went out to eat because he would order so much food and then I feel like because of his ADHD he’d be midway eating through another thing and then see other stand and be like babe. We gotta go there next. basically you guys would be extremely full. He also likes nature walks. I think that he kind of just likes the dirt of it because he’s definitely not afraid to get dirty and he loves just poking around nature I mean, I honestly that’s how I see him going on hikes like he’d pick up slugs, he do all kinds of like gross stuff. People normally wouldn’t do like I don’t know, letting a worm crawl on his arm or something.  anyway you guys totally match each other crazy and match each other’s freak yes just like the song, and I really ship it 💕💓💗💞💗💞

[schizosupport]

Hi! I never send asks I'm sorry if this is weird or awkward? I'm just sitting in a mental health ward right now and trying to figure out whats going on.

So I've had mental health problems for a decade now but the past week is the first time my paranoia and things have ever gotten this bad, it felt like there were creatures? shadow people? in my apartment and i was only safe if i stayed totally still and silent cause then they couldnt hurt me, i kept seeing them out of the corner of my eyes, and it just wasnt safe to touch the floor or look in mirrors in the same way your brain wont let you touch a hot stove and no one seems to understand when i explain that its just not safe i cant do it and i cant explain. Is there a word for that? i dont understand any of this.

But it just kept getting worse and worse until my friend called the police on me and they took me to the hospital. ive calmed down now and realize it wasnt real but it FELT real and I feel like im going insane and don't know what to do, theyre saying its micropsychosis because of my bpd and because its supposedly bpd they dont know if they can help with meds but i dont feel like i can function like this, i know it gets bad again when im alone and i live alone and no one here seems to understand anything about psychosis at all, they keep giving me pamphlets on anxiety and breathing exercises (helpful but not what I need-what do i do when im seeing things? when something feels unsafe do i force myself to do it anyways as exposure therapy? or treat it like its real and try and calm down that way?) And basically i was wondering if you have any advice? or even reliable places to read more to learn about psychosis or micropsychosis or whatever this is? i just know its terrifying and im scared and dont feel like i can talk to anyone about it. Sorry this got so long!

Hi there!

It sounds like you had a really scary episode of paranoia, I'm sorry that happened to you! It's definitely recognizable to me as an experience, and I completely understand why you are scared of being that irrationally afraid again. It's very scary to lose control of your own mind in that way.

It always sucks when the MH professionals around you don't seem to quite understand your difficulty. While they may be right that this sounds like it could be an episode of "micro psychosis" that could be associated with bpd (or other disorders), that doesn't mean that it isn't a type of psychosis and that you can't benefit from resources geared more at that.

I would say about medication that the professionals may be reluctant around antipsychotic medication, because those are very side effect heavy medications, but if you continue to have experiences like this, it's not to say that it couldn't be worth it for you. Everyone responds very differently.

As for how to "deal with it" it's honestly very hard, especially in the beginning, and it's not something I can easily summarize in my current state and everyone is very different. But I think that trying to find things that make you feel more safe in the moment is important, even if it's "silly". Like for me, if I'm having a bad time when I'm going to sleep, I'll sleep with my lights on to avoid the worst of the paranoia. And I know some people have a teddy they consider protective, stuff like that. It might seem like "leaning into the crazy", but I don't personally think that it's harmful to use the "crazy" logic of these episodes to find a bit of comfort as well.

I hope that you can start to feel more safe.. and if this continues or gets worse I hope you can find some help from the professionals in your life.. otherwise I recommend looking for communities of others with similar experiences.

I hope this answer finds you well,

Glitch

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

auggggggh ive been wanting to make this post for an eternity but i havent been able to because I keep trying to explain myself WELL guess what. Im giving up, heres the song Wenn ich tanzen will from Elisabeth: das Musical with english translations, does it not make you think of what if Feysand was interesting

If you dont wanna watch the whole thing for some reason, I'd like to highlight this part

Fly!

I'll fly alone!

I alone want to accompany you through night and storm

I don't want to be accompanied anymore

Not even by you — I won't let myself be led

You're free only through me

Only through me

Only for me

For me!

For you shall make the way for me

I'm going my own way now

I've seperated myself from you — Leave me alone!

You've fallen in love with me

Because there's no freedom without me

And no one can understand you except for me!

Oh and also this part (theyre kinda singing over each other at this point)

I'm strong enough on my own!

You were only strong as long as you still thought that you were weak

I'm not calling for you!

You will call for me!

I'm not seeking you out!

You will seek me out!

I'm beginning to love my life!

Soon you will hate it!

Okay, I actually lied at the start of this post, I am gonna try to explain myself. My ideal not-boring version of Feysand that I think of when I listen to this song is like. Okay so, the structure of the story is fundamentally the same (except it takes place over a wayyyy longer timespan) with Feyre initially just kinda going about her new life as a traumatized fae and Rhysand coming to pick her up once a month, which ends up helping her because the SC manorhouse is kind of just covered in a bunch of depressing ooze rn (figuratively) and she cant really leave and Rhysand is basically giving her an excuse to hang out in a place without ooze, so its easier for her to have a good time. Rhysand is kinda awkward around her initially because hes basically like "ohhhhhh shit oh fuck, the woman that I tortured UTM as a fucked up way of coping with what Amarantha was doing to is my soulmate!!" because i really hate the fact that Rhysand apparently already knew about her and dreamt about her before she was even fae, it shouldve snapped in place for both of them during that little scene at the end of ACOTAR but Feyre has no concept of how a mating bond is supposed to feel like so shes just kinda like "huh, that felt kinda weird. anyway"

(this inexplicably got very long. like, 6 more paragraphs long. so much for me not explaining myself)

So yeah, Rhysand is hardcore struggling trying to figure out how to win her over despite all of the torture, but fortunately for him all she wants is to be left alone, so he does that, no putting her in unecessary danger and no asking insane favors of her even though theyve only been hanging out for like two weeks. Idrk how, but at some point they would start to get closer, this all happens very slowly, its a true slow-burn. And then one day Tamlin is like "I cant stand it, I need to find a way to break this bargain" so he collects a bunch of guys and he tells Feyre that theyre gonna go out and travel through all of Prythian and maybe even beyond in order to find a way to do it and itll probably take them atleast a few months. And then when Feyre says she wants to come along because this is about her after all, hes like "no, its dangerous and also, if Im gone then the Spring Court is gonna needs its Lady" and then he puts the shield around the manor because yeah, Im keeping Tamlin shitty in this one, sorry. This is about me trying to make Feysand good but trying to figure that out with Tamlin being in-character is too complicated for me rn so Im just gonna stick to the character assassination (thats something SJM probably also said while writing ACOMAF)

So yeah, like in canon, Mor gets her outta there and then Feyre starts permanently staying the night court except shes not going out on political errands because of the war with Hybern because honestly, this whole war plot is so stupid and it feels so unecessary like cmon Sarah girlie, I can tell youre not actually interested in writing politics, just stick to the romance and the healing journey. Anyway, during her stay she inadvertantly starts spending more time with Rhysand and realizing that he suffered too and that hes only human or fae or something like that, which helps her deal with her UTM trauma because she kinda thought of him as the embodiment of all her new trauma, so seeing that hes really not that and that hes just a person that she can make peace with helps her

Rhys is falling head over heels for Feyre because she just reminds him SO much of Cassian while Feyre is kinda conflicted but starting to develop some affection for him, and again, this happens over the course of many many months instead of just two. And after all that time, Feyre is starting feel pretty good and she doesnt really wanna go back to the spring court if shes totally honest with herself and then oops, Tamlin's back! He finds her and hes super worried like "oh my cauldron, feyre, my servants told me he just kidnapped you and they couldnt find a way to free you!! but Im here now and Im taking you back home dont worry" and Feyre feels guilty and shes basically like "yeahhhhh this was totally necessary, I definitely wanna go back... home, its just that he exploited this loophole in the bargain so had to stay here. Totally against my will, oh no it was so bad" and Tamlin tells her not to worry, theyve found a way to break they just need to get back to the spring court so they do that

At the Spring Court, Feyre gets to thinking. She thinks shes basically completely defeated her trauma by hanging out with Rhysand and shes like "well, my trauma was pretty much the main thing that made mine and Tamlins relationship not work, so now that my trauma is gone its gonna be all smooth sailing from here" and she just willfully ignores the fact that his way of coping with his UTM trauma was suffocating her and making it impossible to deal with her own issues and when she pointed it out to him he had a panic attack about it. Also, at this point it kinda hits her that shes been spending all this time with Tamlins enemy and feeling this affection for him that she hasnt really felt for Tamlin ever since theyve been back from UTM and their relationship started getting really bad, so now she feels very guilty and wants to rush into a marriage with him after all. Also, maybe by this point shes revovered enough to take a step back and start focusing on her surroundings again instead of just herself, and she realises that the people of the Spring Court would really need this kind of big celebration after this long time of turmoil and suffering, so maybe that plays into her decision to marry Tamlin as well idk

Meanwhile, Rhysand is back at the night court absolutely CONVINCED that Feyre is gonna come back to him even without the bargain or atleast send him a message or something, because of the mating bond and because by this point he thinks that Feyre loves him back, she just hasnt said it because Tamlin interrupted them or whatever. Yknow, because Feyre stopped throwing shoes at him and started to tolerate his presence somewhat, which are obviously the surefire signs that someone is in love with you. But anyway, Feyre never does get back to him because shes busy with her wedding and also trying very hard not think about either Rhysand or Tamlin too much so she doesnt simply run out into the forest to avoid dealing with all this bullshit

So yeah, Rhysand finds out about Feyre marrying Tamlin and he gets very upset and so he winnows to the Spring Court on the day of the wedding. Feyre has just been dressed up in this gorgeous pastel pink and green pantssuit (thats very important for the story) and now Ianthe is leaving her alone for a bit before the grand wedding ceremony. At this point Rhysand comes in and they have a confrontation thats basically just the song except in dialogue-form, remember when this post was about a song I really like, yeah me neither. During this confrontation I really want Rhysand to bring up the mating bond and kinda throw it in her face and I want Feyre to basically respond "oh, so now the guy who always preached about giving me choices and not letting others decide for me is gonna get on my case for not doing what some god wants from me, gtfo" and thats basically how it ends. Then the next book is the book where Feyre hay to make the choice between Tamlin and Rhysand because its a romance series at the end of the day, so even though I would like the last book to just be Feyre ending up single and going on her own adventures, I recognize that thats not a great ending for a romance series so

I wanna end this off by saying that I was trying to only focus on the romance for this because its easier, if I were to write my ideal acotar sequel it would look different than this even if I used the original acomaf as a base. So yeah, thats it hope you enjoyed my 7am ramblings, I have been awake for three hours already writing this

[sugar-omi]

HI IM AN INSANE BAXSTAN AND SWIFTIE AND UR RYT MR PERFECTLY FINE HAS IMMENSE BAXMC POTENTIAL

while i think its not Unlikely for mc to forgive baxter within the span of the dlc, i DO think theyre not given enough options to feel complicated abt it. u pretty much have to decide how to feel from the start, and arent given a lot of room to change ur mind. For example, my mc Anne is a very forgiving person, especially with bax bc she understands his need to be entertaining & liked. HOWEVER she starts the dlc off thinking "ok if hes gonna be distant i can do that" but then when he jokes with xavier shes like "well im CONFUSED now and i need answers" and shes irritated, but also still likes him. after the bowling she hugs him and is still like confused, but again likes him still. by the time shes baking with him, shes both confused and endeared with him but is kinda harsh with him, even when hes apologizing at the wedding.

All this to say; its not UNREALISTIC mc would forgive in that timespan, its just the lack of complexity mc is or is not afforded that makes it feel too fast. additionally, while u do get to be mad, theres no real moderation for it, and no way to be like "this is a start, but it will take time to trust him fully again". so yeah, it feels rushed and personally i think it was rushed to be released due to whatever reasons (either not caring abt baxter or wanting to work on olnf, who knows)

anyway, i would go on about baxters dlc and its shortcomings for hours if given a chance so for now ill just call it here <3 signed, 🌸Anon

YES YES I AGREE

i do think there was a lotta effort n good stuff but into baxter, and i also havent replayed it since they updated some stuff so maybe its a bit better since release

but i do agree i think the emotional range is very limited its either "idc anymore", "im mad", "i look back fondly", "im pretty sad abt it", n all that stuff n its just pretty straight forward in whatever you choose

i think step 4 is a bit short? maybe?

BUT I ALSO THINK ITS PRETTY FLESHED OUT, now i haven't acted professional w baxter, i tried but i just didnt have time to go through w the route. but there are options!!! its just one and done i think so its kinda like, you cant express How conflicted you are

bc realistically id be so sad but i also hold a grudge so id be like "yeah you say you love me n all that n i GET IT but also im scared"

BUT I ALSO THINK ITS BC WE ARE PLAYING IT WITH SEVERAL HOURS??? like MC has 5 years to get through the emotions, but the time between him saying "see you never!!!" and "omg hi, i miss u but u dont need me but i miss u?!?!!?!" is like less than 5 minutes so.....

LITERALLY I WAS PLAYING IT THE FIRST TIME N I WAS LIKE "you bastard, fuck you. i hate you. stfu. YOURE SO CUTE. you ASSHOLE. i am going to KISS YOU. i want to slap you so fucking bad right now"

like pls i was freaking out during my first playthru

i think baxter's dlc was more focused on the "i am hurt" and "i have XYZ reasons for being like this" and it goes through all that and its less "lets work through your complex feelings/this is how you reacted when we met again bc you felt/feel very conflicted and now we will work thru it"

BAXTER DLC IS LITERALLY "I CAN FIX HIM" OMFG

but honestly i like the baxter dlc better than the derek dlc bc i HATED how "i can do everything by myself!!!!" derek was in step 2 and how sibling focused it was, i man i still loved it of course but i wish derek n mc had more 1 on 1 time

and then in step 4 it was like "i missed out on everything, i feel shitty n im sorry!" and mc just.... idk maybe i need to play it again but i was still mad derek ghosted for a whole step n then it was still very family focused, and while i loved that as well

i just wanted more derek by himself, i wanted to pamper him n love him n just yk

idk, all the dlc's are so good but i do think the forgiveness is very quick which makes sense bc they're making ol2 but man, i would love if it was just double the length or half that to just flesh it out some bc i wanted some sweet moments w the boys as well :(((

ANYWAY YES I DO AGREE ITS NOT UNREALISTIC

just unrealistic for ppl like me who take 2-3 years to get over wtf happened and another 2 to actually settle in my decision to forgive 😂😂 but even then, if i had 5 years to get over it i could prbly forgive him after a lot of crying and a bit of screaming LMAO

[despite-everything]

im sitting outside my partners apartment in my car and honestly i shouldnt have come. im pretty upset (with both of them, but one in particular) because of some shit and id been debating not coming down to see them (i live an hour away... i have a thing in this town tomorrow night, so rather than just driving down for that i was coming today so i could spend the night with my partners and enjoy time with them) and i convinced myself to visit anyway and i shouldnt have. if i didnt have to be in this town tomorrow id actually just turn around and drive back home. i thought itd be best if i still came because id be embarrassed to tell my dad (who i live with) why plans changed and im tired of lying about shit like this. i need to talk to my partners aboutthis because if nothing changes i will break up with them - i understand that these problems that are arising are due in part to mental illness, but its not fair to expect me to just have to adapt to shitty treatment because of it. we're all fucking mentally ill and if they can't improve their behavior after months of promising to them im just fucking done. this has happened to me so many times before in friendships and relationships and its fucking embarrassing!! if i was anyone else i'd be saying to break up immediately but i don't want to.

im just fucking venting here but i dont know who to even talk to about this other than my partners and while that's going to happen eventually im just like... im fucking upset. every few weeks, i drive for more than an hour each way to visit people who live in a town i used to live in. they rarely come see me. i spend money on food and gas when i do this and have to account for it in my monthly budgeting. i stay with people who say they have no plans and want to prioritize us spending time together, but when i get there, they almost always have made separate plans while i'm there that i am not part of, and rarely give me a warning so that i can adjust my schedule or make other plans of my own. i mention that this is an issue, they promise to do better, then they dont. i adjust to texting a few days in advance to check their schedule, and despite doing so,they consistently make or have "forgotten" other scheduling conflicts that they bring up either the night before i drive to visit or when i arrive. thats the scenario, right? this has happened to me before. last time, it was with my high school friends who continued to string me along until i decided that it hurt too much and i slowly backed out of the friendships. no one has reached out since. this time, it's my fucking partners. the main difference is that i have a key to my partners apartment, meaning im not stuck in my car/in parks when they're busy. but thats just so fucked up. especially since my partners used to encourage me to step back from my old friends who were hurting me this way.

im just venting so i can get some of this shit off my chest before i go inside. to my knowledge, one of my partners is inside napping, while the other is in some meeting they didnt tell me about until last night. i dont even know what the fucking meeting is about or where it is.

i dont want to go inside because... what? am i supposed to pretend everything is fine and hide my feelings so they dont feel guilty? thats not fucking fair. if i let my upset show, they're going to act like kicked puppies and im going to feel fucking awkward because i dont want excuses and i dont want groveling or a hundred "im sorrys". i dont want that. i want their fucking behavior to change.

[antiradqueer]

Sorry to have to say this publicly, it's just aggrivating.

The most active anti-radqueer blogs are anti-paraphilia (meaning that something out of someone's control if they develop it makes them inherently evil and broken and not their actions) and I'm happy to see one of the loudest ones log off for good. If you want people to not go to spaces where their urges to contact will be encouraged, you cannot push paraphiles away from your community.

One of the last anons they responded positively to was someone saying that someone anti-contact needs to go to therapy because of even having a harmful paraphilia in the first place. Anti-contact!! You know, the people who do not act on their paraphilias and instead find coping skills through fiction, roleplay, kink/BDSM, etc. Trying to find ways to engage with something like a substitute for it that does not cause harm since repression can cause harm as well.

It's gross how the anti-radqueer community treats paraphiles with harmful paraphilias like this. It's frustrating as a paraphile myself, and it feels like anyone who is anti-radqueer only tolerates me or sees paraphiles as okay if something out of our control is something that caters to them and not our actions. How the anti-radqueer community treats paraphiles will push paraphiles over towards radqueers because then we at least have people saying we are not inherently broken for how we are, and often are this way through trauma.

excuse you we dont talk about socks poorly in here, regardless

anyway i just generally dont give my stance on alot of things here so everyone feels comfortable talking, it only seems fair, thats why i let all kinds of asks in here and mainly comment on the parts that id understand/agree with, and i kinda wanna keep it that way cus alot of my opinions cant be boxed under just "anti" or "pro" (yaknow cus theres alot more complex shit than just hating or just liking)

but yeah i get what you mean, im honestly still trying to wrap my head around it, but like at my age i wouldnt really be able to do that yaknoe

also theres like, how many anti radqueer blogs.. i can only think of me, anti rq zone, and all the sunset paras. i might just be missing people cus they dont show up in tags lol